We Hate Movies - S12 Ep568: Varsity Blues

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

On this week's episode, the gang continues the Back to School theme with an episode about the MTV Films cult football drama, Varsity Blues! Who's doing the worst Texas accent in the film? Why did they think the gag with the little brother was funny? And what number pig is Billy Bob actually on? PLUS: Coach Kilmer would rather die than take a coaching job in Shittington! Varsity Blues stars James Van Der Beek, Jon Voight, Paul Walker, Ron Lester, Scott Caan, Amy Smart, Ali Larter, and a baby Jesse Plemons; directed by C.H.U.D. II's Brian Robbins. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Selection varies by location, wall supplies last, discount taking the time of purchase, see sales associate for details, offer valid 821 through 93. this week on the program we don't want your laugh it's varsity blues i'm andrew jupin oh that's just stephen shaddock over there eric blues chris cabin and we hate movies Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. We're talking about the big teenage blockbuster of 1999. It's Varsity Blues, directed by Brian Robbins, who you may remember. as one of the stars of head of the class the star of Chud 2 Bud the Chud

and a whole lot of creative control over at Nickelodeon back in the day this motherfucker was responsible in part for all that Keenan and Kel the Amanda show all that shit all that makes all that the show when you said all that I thought you meant like a catchall for Nickelodeon

no the child sketch show that gave birth to the career of Keenan Thompson and other comedy luminaries like Lori Beth Dinberg. I just totally forgot it was called that. And criminals like Amanda Binds. Yeah. Many a Hollywood horror story was birthed out of all that. I am

sure. I mean, it's just, you know what, dude, no one should be around that many kids. How about that? No, I don't think so. I think that's a bad idea. Unless you're an, unless you're an actual educator and there's rules in place. But that's what I think Nickelodeon was trying to get to, though. That was the heart of the kid power movement. It was like, we could do this all

ourselves. I was like, nah, dude. Get the fuck out of here. We could do it ourselves. This is what we need to do. We bring back Nickelodeon, the kid power thing. We can do it ourselves, and we see, can a few toddlers drive a bus? It's very healthy. A bunch of grown men yelling at kids to make them laugh. Be funny.

That's what's called a podcast. What about a kid bomb squad? Just a bunch of little kids. I like that. Dude, yeah. And it's called Kid Boom. Oh, that is good. Oh, my God.

going to say Little Hurt Locker, but that is better. Oh, little hurt lockers pretty good too, though, dude. And they all have like drinking problems because they can't handle the stress. Can you imagine like a little kid and like the little like a little version of the Jeremy Renner fucking bomb suit? Yeah. I think

you're like, oh, and then you could look right it into the show. It's like, oh, they have to do it because their hands are so small and the wires are so tiny. That's right. You know, around like 1900, I think this was like the economy. Like you'd have kids working in the factories. You would have probably like the bomb squad

our children because they're like, you know, you're first in line. You've got to get through it and be seasoned as an adult. Yeah, the hurt locker would have to be the DeGrasi-esque teen bomb disposal unit. Oh, I see. The kids show would have to be the hurt cubby.

Something of that effect. Like you have to, because you have to look hot, you know, DeGrasi did a bunch of different shoot-offs, right? They weren't just one. Yeah, there was a lot of shooting off on that show. Yeah, including Drake. way, great. A cubby's like where you where you're hanging your coat or something, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, DeGrecy when shooting off with Snake got that girl pregnant. That's right. I know a little bit about DeGrecy, the original, the OG. None of that Drake nonsense. There was a character called Snake. Dude, definitely. Snake got somebody pregnant, man. Wow. Snake has a snake. Was he

DeGrassey's wallet inspector? No. He was just kind of like a tall dupist and everyone was like shocked he got laid, which I was as well. Was he like four years older than the rest of the kids? Yeah. That show is wild. It's very proto-902-10. It's not available anywhere.

I'd podcast it myself if I could, but it's not really available. Huh. When was, when did that show start? You say it's Proto 902-1-0? Yeah, it's like mid to late 80s into the early night. Get out of town. I had no idea. I had no idea. And that shows Wild with a capital W.

I always felt like that was like a Doctor Who show. like it's been on forever like since like the dark ages this show has been going on are they all playing the same characters but like each era they just get another actor like a doctor who thing no i think the next generation literally is about like their kids and so on and so forth i think snake's kid is a is a is a character dude jesus is he named frog son of snake son of sniglet folks at home you might notice this is kind of we're doing like back to school episodes It's back to back. Yeah.

It's exciting. Yeah. You know, it's nice because a lot of movies deal with high school. They do. And we don't do many sports movies on here. I'm trying to change that because sports movies are right for the picket. Oh, yeah, definitely. The problem is whenever we do the Blue Chips episode, our voices are going to be shredded.

Just like absolutely gone for a week. I'm going to have to take like a bow of silence for like 72 hours before doing the show. Just drinking nothing but warm tea. not talking to anybody. It's a movie specifically about Nick Nalty screaming. That's mostly what it's about. And Shaquilla O'Neal and others,

before we stop talking about varsity blues or start talking about it, I should say I do want to hit play really quickly. Wow. All righty. It's back, baby. It's America's favorite game about obsolete materials. It's the

VHS trailer game, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Excuse me. I think I'm coming down with something here, guys. But it's season 12, which means we are dealing with legends this month. Legends. Thank you. If we

do, if we apply the MasterChef mode to VHS trailer game, it means only losers one last year. This is the real season. Yes. Everything that happened last year was crap. These are legend. Chris, if you don't

watch Master Chef, that's literally what Gordon Ramsey says. Like everything else, everything from the year before is dog shit to like, get you excited about this year. And he would love starting from scratch. He will deride a bad meal. He's like, that's like a season two meal.

It's season 11. Meanwhile, the season two persons cry on their eyes out. But it's the VHS trailer game, ladies and gentlemen. We're really excited about it. We have to give one more congratulations to Chris Cabin. Thank you.

Do we have someone else that wants to give congratulations, Steve? And I just want to, you know, not only do I want to congratulate Chris Cabin, but I think one celebrity, a ghostbuster named Ernie Hudson might have something to say. Hey, Chris, congratulations.

Anyway, I just want to say congratulations, man, on winning the movie trivia game on your podcast. It's pretty extraordinary. It's extraordinary. I love that. Extraordinary. I cut up Sir Ernie Hudson's

wonderful cameo, which is on our YouTube page by the way in full. YouTube.com slash we hate movies. But I love so. It's my favorite line which is like congratulations on winning the movie trivia game on your podcast. Yeah, totally. It's just like

I mean and bless him. We still love him. But you know, he couldn't have given a fuck about you, Chris. Oh no. Of course not. The guy was in fucking, he's in Oz. Why is it giving shit about me? But it is just so great though, because I think it's like he forgot for us. second that it was winning something on your

own show. So it's like yeah, man, great accomplishment, I guess. Hope the fucking Venmo clears. Hey, Chris, congratulations on beating your son at Mario Card. Congratulations. Wow. Good for you.

Extraordinary. Tony Soprano gets himself a cameo for feeding A.J. Soprano. And also extraordinary is a wonderful word. It really is. Oh, because it's just like the farthest thing

from extraordinary but so it's season 12 the rules are going to get run back I'm still thinking I'm still tinkering there might be a rule change in maybe the next month because we'll see we'll see how this goes

but I've been tinkering but for right now season season 11 rules are still in effect even though they're garbage which is you know I'm going to ask

I'm going to give you five clues for each trailer the first person to buzz in gets it. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Each clue is worth in descending order. The winner right now, and I believe that's what we're going to do. It's another cameo, right?

It's going to be a bigger batter. Yeah. Come on, come on, everybody. It's got to be a great, great cameo. The Ernie Hudson one was so much fucking fun. I cannot wait to see what we're going to do next year. Chris, you better start brainstorming on your next. We don't know.

Well, here, I did want to say, Steve, if I go dubs, I want to make a gentleman's bet to me and you. okay if we do it we have to do an episode that you've kiboshed for many years nothing but trouble oh wow okay all right so this is this is a big belt that's hang a sort of damocles one would say i like this i like this eric wait a second do you all cosine eric the other thing is now you and i got to throw it so this can happen and so we can do nothing but trouble no no no you haven't been throwing it that's what i've been doing So this is actually, Chris is a great idea because this proves it's not rigged. Because the last thing I ever want to do is watch nothing but trouble and talk about it.

Essentially, that's a good two and a half hour episode we're talking about there. If you know me, you know that. So that's, all right, that's great. That's the Chris Cabin running back award. But Eddie also gets a cameo. Eric and Eric and Andrew, if they win, another cameo. And if the guest team wins, that's not going to happen. Okay, so as, as you know, 5,4, 3, 2, 1, people are going to buzz in.

And if you buzz in and guess incorrectly in that round, you will be out for the round, but able to come back in the next one. And this is kind of a weird VHS situation. So I'm going to give you the release year as well, because the first one is in one of those, like, crappy trailer montages of like, we're having fun at, Paramount, set to we got the beat. A lot of stuff is in here. But I wanted to take this one because

pickets were fairly slim. So from the year 1996, ladies gentlemen, put that in your brain. Okay. Okay. Here we go. In inaugural episode of the VHS trailer game for season 12 legends. Game Masters clue. a feature-length adaptation of a TV show

a road trip filled with body cavity searches a feature-length adaptation of a TV show a TV show that's a road trip no a the movie itself is a road trip that's a fair question has buzzed in Bees is about hit to America that is five big points

sure that's the body parent And the next one would have been more helpful, which is the trivia, the tribute trivia was Paramount Executives considered making this a live action movie. That probably would have given you a little. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about what,

okay, now what TV show was about driving across the country and they made a movie about it and it's got cars in it. That's where my mind was. Yeah, and I totally forgot Robert Stacks' character's obsession with the full body cavity searches,

which is quite funny. I rewatch that in quarantine and God damn it, it's a fucking masterpiece. It's one of the, it's, it makes the, The Simpsons movie look like dog shit.

Oh, my God. I mean, that's not hard to do, but yeah. Okay. Round two, this is 1999, which was coming soon to video, FYI. Game Master's Clue. A sleek, gritty remake of a revenge yarn led by a real piece of shit. Eric. Just think of the time, I think payback maybe.

That is five points for Eric. Cisca. Chris and Eric are tied for the lead. Got Mel on the brain after our Macsathon. Did you know that they made a because that movie, there was a 2005 version of Payback called Payback Straight Up. Really? Where in Brian, Brian Hegeland was like fired. So it's kind of like the Snyder cut of payback.

But it's actually shorter than the theatrical cut. I kind of remember this coming out. Yeah. No, it's, it's, It's the same movie. It's just recont. I remember that. Yeah. I think I even saw it or bought it. And I didn't tell you because I was a bit of a fan of the movie back in the day.

There is, if you're a fan of the movie, there is an amazing comic called The Hunter by Darwin Cook, which is a adaptation of the Donald Westlake, Richard Stark novel. Yeah. Yeah, it's really awesome. It's one of my favorite things in the world. I can lend it to you. Yeah. Here we go. Now, back to 1998.

now on video ladies and gentlemen now on video okay a snow sorry heaven forbid game master's clue

a snowy thriller that pits friends against one another in a chase for some ill gotten money found on an abandoned airplane that's Chris Cabin

a simple plan it is a simple plan five big points name of it god damn it five big points there and now ladies and gentlemen, we've got a 10 point

oddity bonus round a movie I've never heard of I'm always excited about this so 10 big points are at stake here and I'm even going to give so it's 10 points for the exact title and five points for either an approximation of that title or if you

get there if you guess before I give the stars you can be like oh is it the one with so and so and so and so I'll give you five points for this because this movie is very obscure to me I said for 10 points in a movie I'm positive doesn't age well

at 1980s period piece about a precocious teen coming to grips with his parent coming out as a trans woman I think I know this I think I know this from the fucking year it's the adventures of Sebastian Cole

holy shit I know why I know this you know why I know this this is insider knowledge i went they filmed it at my high school while i was attending wow that is the only reason i know that fucking movie it's got adrian grenier yeah yep and uh clark gregg is the is the person the the the is the trans woman in that movie and man this trailer is stacked with capital j jokes and it's not great holy shit clark gregg Clark Gray. That was a beautiful poll, Eric. They had parts. Well, it's only because I was there when they made it.

Because they had parts of the high school, like, shut down while I was, like, going to classes because they were filming. You get any classes canceled because of it? I don't remember. Isn't he, like, really into Whippets? Like, that's a key part of the movie is he's, like, really into doing Whippets. No, you're thinking of me and you working at the multi-plexed concession stand. Well, that was that, too. while that movie came out.

I just remember he was like either skateboarding or bicycling down the hallway and I was like, oh, there's my fucking 11th grade teacher's room or whatever subject I had. That's tremendous. Wow. Eric Siska, by the way. At the end of round one,

Eric's just getting the lead. Just want to put that out there. Incredible stuff. Legend. See, you know, because it's not rigged, you know, it's not. I'm going to admit, I'm going to try to be a better loser this year. that's right because you're a legend

you're a legendary fucking loser yes by the way could you do more of these where they're filmed around where I grew up okay absolutely I will definitely only movies filmed around Eric's hometown or movies that he worked on like set security more make sure we get one for taking Woodstock Julian Poe with Christian Slater

Mr. Gibb whatever that movie was Dirty dancing. It's also the good student now, actually. They renamed it. Oh, okay. So that, ladies and gentlemen, is round one of the VHS trailer game. We could now actually have a podcast

about a movie called Varsity Blues. Yeah, you know, first of all, once again, man, that MTV music television productions logo. Wow. They just, it takes you back. Like, you just know. Here's the thing.

When you see that, regardless of the film's quality, You know at least you're in for a good soundtrack. Yes. Yes. And that's what we got here. The beginning of the movie, it's like this like bucolic horse shit. I'm like, get to nice guys finish last where I'm changing the channel.

No, it starts with this super serious intro music, like it's fucking wrath of con. Did we mention the MTV Astronaut? Of course. Yeah, he's in the logo. It's so, I don't understand the logo. I mean, MTV films never like did anything. else besides what Joe's apartment. But that was the, isn't that from the

logo from the MTV? Like the astronaut putting the flag in the, yeah, because it was in that like footage. The moon the moon man was always like part of their thing, right? And when they had like the movie awards, that was like the little moon man trophy that you got.

They fucking loved that astronaut. Yeah, you guys are incorrect. Joe's apartment, Beavis and Butto do America. Dead man on campus, varsity blues, 200 cigarettes elections south park bigger latter and uncut the wood the original kings of comedy saved the last dance pooty tang zoolander orange county that is a way more than i expected and i knew there was more that's i didn't say anything about that two movies only thing i'm looking

down you can take away my points i am looking down they did the footloose remake uh they're still around doing this huh wow pink skies ahead uh Still? Yeah. This like Varsity Blue is like, it doesn't strike me as an MTV property. And some of those you listed also don't. Well, it's weird because that's kind of the problem with this movie is the tone is everywhere. And sometimes I would argue what it's at its best, it feels like an MTV movie.

And what it's not, it feels like, I don't know, like a bad movie of the week or whatever. Lifetime almost. Yeah, I mean, because it's a fucking high school set drama like that. much feels like a lifetime movie but then when you're like you know having a bunch of silly shenanigans and food fighters are playing and whatever else you know that's like that's mtv studios but then it's like when you get fucking i don't want your life that's that's lifetime in america we got a set of laws okay it's you don't kill you don't steal and you fucking love football and that's what this is about this is about older people come and watching little

kids play football. It's very serious. His opening here, it's so fucking serious. There are laws against killing. There are laws against stealing. But down here in Texas, there's another law. The law of the gridiron. And the law that I could take the gun anywhere and I can give you, I, you know, I, and no abortions. Oh, yeah, that's right. There are laws prevented ladies from having a If you do it with a gun, then it's okay. And they're allowed us to love football. You better fucking love football. By the way, the accents, our accents are just as good.

I think they're pretty close to just as good. Pretty cartoonish. You've got a couple people in here that sound okay. The guy who plays Billy Bob, like kind of has it. Scott Khan kind of has something going on. Amy's smart. She's playing an alien. I don't know what's going on.

there. Well, Amy Smart is just trying to act. I'm just so. I looked up at James Vanderbeek. He was born in Connecticut. So technically we're more Southern than he is. That's actually true. And you can fucking tell, man. You can fucking tell.

By the way, the I don't want your there's this kid in my high school who didn't even look like James Vanderbeek, but I think somebody said he looked like him once. That's all it takes. And then everyone would just go up to this kid, be like, I don't want your lap. shut up.

Like for years. I like that they married him with it instead of, you know, it being good. No, definitely. It was not, again, it's at all boys high school and you're just going to get ripped to shreds, man. If you look even remotely like James Vanderbuech, just like you go to English class, like, I don't want your English class. Shut up.

I just, I would love it if the kid just like starts going to like, they're at the Wendy's and the cashier is like, okay, your order is going to be 10, 50, and then you just look at me and I don't want your life and you just do it to every job you don't want to have like you're at the mechanic and they're like okay we're going to put I don't want your life and just keep on doing it's fine sir but you still have to pay for this fucking transmission repair I don't want your life that's what the talented Mr. Ripley said till he found the one oh that's right oh then it was oh I do want more your life is your life is your life is your life is one that I would like. Oh, I mean, I would like your life. Yeah, yep, exactly. Yeah, so James Vanderbik, of course, is playing Jonathan Mox, Moxen.

He is the backup quarterback to the very successful Lance Harbor, played by the late Paul Walker. You know, Lance Harbor, king shit in town, dude, that dude's getting fucking blowjobs every day of his life. It is amazing how,

like Paul Walker I mean like even still to this day has a better career than James Vanderbeak I mean let's just be I want to go on record though as saying like I have absolutely nothing against James Vanderbue not at all actually think he's kind of funny

he's good like comedically there was that short lived sitcom with the fucking dumbest title of all time don't mess with the B in apartment 23 yes yes terrible title but he's playing like a fake version of himself on that show if I remember it right and it's fucking hilarious I just wish he found more of a road in like doing comedies and stuff

yeah the guys always had presents like no matter what he's always just been every christmas yeah yeah he's always been there ready to give give whatever he wants but like Lance harbour also March 8th 19 March 8th he also gets presents that's his birthday. Uh-huh. What are you saying, Kevin? No, like Lance Harbor has this fucking billboard of himself. Yes.

Like, that's getting egged like every day, right? No, it's not. No, it's not. Chris, they teach every kid to worship these people. This is Texas high school football, dude. These guys, it's not an exaggeration, are like gods.

Like, did you see any of Friday night lights the show or anything? Like there you're no no one listen first of all another thing it's fucking texas you egg that paul walker billboard you are getting the death penalty i believe that there's no backlash in the high school that there's not a faction of kids that are like fuck football fuck all this shit doesn't exist in texas when you grow up it's it's just like you're either going to play football or you're going to give football players of blow jobs i don't care what you're doing one or the other right i mean my son could not play football so he was obligated to give a football player a blowjob. He's a con-catcher now. Listen, we hate homosexuality as much as the next folk, but there is that rule. And you know what? These guys start sucking some football player dicks.

I mean, like, Chris, I'm sure, yes, not everyone in the entire state is into high school football. Every one of them. Those kids, they're not doing anything to the extent of egging. Like, you will be given the death penalty. It's not worth getting the chair to egg a bill. Oh, no, it's worth dying for this. I would have to do it.

This would be too much for me to deal with. If it is a billboard of the guy's face on his own fucking lawn, it's incredible. Well, it looks like a real estate agent. Which I always find weird why real estate agents, like, the only profession you need to, like, show your face in. You know what I mean? Well, I think that's because, like, you know, you're following a total stranger into an empty house. Yeah, I get that's true. You want to make sure it's the right person you're going in with.

Imagine that, yeah, it's just some, like, old creeper who has. as like an old version of the billboard. Yes, Lance is right in here. Why don't you come in and lock the door behind you? Oh, Lance, he's down in the basement. Yeah. I saw something kind of creepy driving around upstate New York, where the people have been even up here,

you know, putting like a billboard essentially on their lawn with a photo of their kid that just graduated high school, like they can't believe it. All right, well, that you egg. That you definitely. And then it also, you know, they also say, like, what university they're going. And it's like, Brownbound or whatever the fuck. All right.

Just got a fucking value meal menu up for a fucking predator. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Nice looking daughter you got there. Oh, where's she going to college? Excellent. Thanks for the information, you total idiot. Yeah, Brownbound is on your fucking doorstep when I shit on it.

Isn't that a tab on Pornhub? Yeah. Oh, it's a, it's a subsection of the extreme tag, dude, when you're fucking. fucking brown. So is that like they, they tie you up? It's shit play. It's definitely shit play. But the bound, I want to, don't don't forget the BDSM. I want to So you can't run anywhere

when they're huck and shit at you. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I do think that this movie owes a lot to the book Friday Night Lights, which it obviously doesn't cite at all. Because that's what this thing is, right? It's like the dark side of like this subculture that you know doesn't get talked about.

Never read it. And I never saw the TV show. So just letting everyone know my my skill sets up front the TV show is quite great I will say who's in that Billy Bob Thornton no Billy Bob Thornton's in the movie and it's like is that like

after like they spun off the TV show into the movie no no the it's separate yes yes the movie came first they spun off the television show the the movie has like Garrett Headland and Derek Luke if you remember that guy Lucas Black

of Friday Night Lights Fame and so on. And Tim McGraw is like the alcoholic dad. Oh, and in the TV show, what is it? Raymond Chandler, what was that guy's name? Kyle. He wrote some good Pulp, noir novels and he also...

Long Dead Detective Novelist Rayne Schelders starring in Friday Night Lights this week on NBC or whatever fucking, I forget where it was. It doesn't matter. Which one's better? Is the TV show or the movie better? The TV show is better than the movie. I think anyway.

Oh, Chris Cabby, you partook. I part took. I got like three seasons. Early Plymonds. That was a good cap of Pletman's before he became a big deal. Is he playing the same character he's in this? Yes, yes, that exactly. Yeah, he just grew up and now he's on Friday night.

How about that a football expanded universe? You know, like all the football movies are connected. You can get Al Pacino to walk into Friday Night Lights from any given Sunday. Those days are right next to each other anyway. Boy, I love. coming to Texas. Your dick's not hard enough to win this game. We're like first stringers.

But no, it would make sense because James Woods would be a crooked doctor on Kilmer's staff, dude, that would work out there too. That's true. Yes, scumbag acknowledges scumbag. But yeah, so like he's, yeah, whatever. And it's like this, yeah, after like this, oh my God, Lodge and football. It's just like Billy Bob shows up. Let's roll!

And then nice guys, but it's last start, I'm like, fucking finally the movie started. We are skipping the cross boy. The fact that in Texas is you don't play football, you have to be crucified, apparently. No, this kid is like, this is the A number one biggest part of the movie that doesn't work.

Is this kid who's like trying on religions and very? ways. So like this is just him dying for the town sins or something. This isn't a punishment. This is just this kid is weird and that's the joke and it's totally fucking underbaked

and makes no sense. Well, it's a better off dead gag, right? Like yeah, that's true. It makes total sense of a better off dead like totally quirky, squirky kind of movie. Right, I want my $2. Exactly. But that's not this because we're supposed to care about

characters in like five minutes. So don't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like the heightening of that joke. Oh, dude. Well, just do it. Just do it. He goes from that to like he's now, later in the movie he dresses up as a member of the Muslim Brotherhood. And you're like, ha ha ha ha. And then like the fucking like the cherry on top of all of this is like towards the end of the movie, he starts his own cult. And they look like, they're just kind of like moon and nights or something. And he's just like leading all these children into his house. And the pale. like the mother's like oh you started a cult that's so cute like that's supposed to be the joke but it's like I don't know man there's already jokes in this movie where like there's a fat guy who owns a pig like that's the jokes for this movie and some guy got burned to death down this street in Texas for starting his own cults so yeah don't encourage it you're also editing out clearly editing out the extremely violent fucking scene where uh banderbeek's father

finds the Quran in his house oh yeah definitely it loses his fucking shit dude, this guy is a total zero. A Muslim book. I don't know, man. This guy is so in the weeds with Texas high school football. I don't think he knows what Islam is. By the way, we do know, you know, like there's tragic story with the actor playing the younger son, Kyle Moxon, and you know, don't tweet at us about it. We know it. Yeah. We're not making fun of the actor. We're not at all. Tragic. Yeah. But you're right, though, Eric, because everyone's an expert in their car. I just know our fan base. And they, you know, If we don't mention something, some guy's going to let me know.

But here's something, though, like, why can't, I mean, the dad should be, and that's another thing of this movie, like, characters come in and out of importance. The dad is, like, totally unimportant for the most part, but keeps, like, you almost think he's going to be, and he never is. What do you mean that fathers aren't important? I think that if you had an actor of note playing this dad, like, maybe that changes a little bit, right because in the in the friday night lights movie not that he's like a big actor but like tim mcgraw plays the dad and tim mcgraw is a fucking huge music star and like actually not that terrible

an actor funny enough but like he's in the movie he's like you know an alcoholic real you see him like really wrestling with like you know the football team was the biggest thing in his life this guy is just like you don't at least as far as i remember like you don't know what he does for a living you just know that he at one time also played football but he wasn't a quarterback and he indeed sucked shit the whole time. He's a whiny loser. This is a problem. I need the dad to be somewhat respectable. Like even at the end like when you're supposed to think like you just hate this fucking guy from the beginning. There's no sense of like Mok's like kind of likes his dad even. He's like, no, I fucking hate my dad. Yes. He's a piece of shit. Right. Hence that line. I don't want your laugh.

Yeah. I read books written by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. God damn it. I look. how that establishes how smart he is for reading Slaughterhouse 5, like people can't believe it. Well, that's the thing is it makes it it's totally age appropriate.

Like, that's what you do in high school as you read Slaughterhouse 5. Yeah. And that it is still a great book. I'm not saying it's a high school book. However, it doesn't make you a genius. But he's the only kid who's allowed to read in the whole

fucking movie. Like, he's the only one who has a book. I do love the dad is like, all right, well, mocks, we're going to pray. He also says, like, I think the other son's on the cross and it's bothering. He was like, we need to pay attention and focus on the game. What the fuck are you going to do with the game tonight besides get drunk? But that's, dude, that's what happens. And, you know, all these parents out here with young children are like, you just had a kid,

which like, okay in the 21st century, whatever. But like, you cannot, folks, when your kids are in a high school age, if the fucking world is still around then. You cannot, I know, but just in case, I want to give this one, you cannot attempt to live vicariously through your children. It is poisonous for them, but also one of the absolute most

embarrassing things you can do to yourself. I can't believe Mox was going to start, but the moon wobble fuck did it. Oh my God, the moonwobble happened and canceled the football season. I knew I should have taught that boy to throw a football in a pool.

No, same thing happened to me. Wobble fucked up my career too, son. Yeah, I was going to go pro until that fucking moonwobled and fucked up my left leg. We are a family plagued by moonwobbles. Fucking Kilmer said there wasn't no moonwobble. I'm telling you, there was a moonwobble, and it's why my life so fuck don't. This is a perfect transition because Scott Kahn has the line good mooning when he gets into Billy Bob's pickup truck because he's flashing his naked ass.

Dude, Scott Kahn, say what you want about the guy physically fucking fit. Of course. I think he's probably the best actor, like the guy that he has exactly the role that he needs to have and he does a really good job with that. He's incredibly capable of handling this role. And I think he does quite well with this kind of guy. Like these guys definitely, of course, exist. And Scott Kahn, you know, maybe didn't have to reach too far.

I don't know him personally. just kind of seems that, you know, with line, you know, I think he has some personal experience with screaming lines. Like, I need to hit some ass. Oh, dude. I'm about to fuck your pig. She looks like she fell out of the, I'm going to suck your dick tree and hit every branch on their way down. Now, the thing is, we've done the, that's just too many words. Like the, you fell out of the ugly tree. The ugly tree. That, that, that's snappy. I'm going to, like, you're shoving a whole sentence in there. Suck your dick tree. Now, I've, been working on some maps and I'm

trying to find this, you know? I'm going to suck your dick tree. I'm like Ponce DiLion going into the journal. I'll try to find you suck you're on the on behalf of the fucking dendrophilia society. This was what the, that's what Darren Aronofsky's the fountain was all about was trying to find the dick sucking tree.

Hugh Jackman lost Rachel Weiss to time just to find the dick sucking tree. That dick sucking tree outlived them all indifferent and they came back and were born again and still were gravitated to the dick oh my God. I've traveled 5,000 years in the future

and I finally found the dick-sucking tree but now I'm too old to get it up Well now here's the question because now we're calling it the dick-sucking tree which is a totally different situation Suck Your Dick Tree Well I mean I'm the I'm gonna suck your dick tree Alludes to people being magically enchanted To have to suck dick

Yeah, the suck your dick tree means the tree is sucking your dick Well so that's my question between the two I don't know, maybe it's got both features. It's got an import. Oh, you bring someone with just in case. Yeah, and then you can try it both ways. There's a part in this, the pickup montage here. We're getting everybody where it's before we pick up Paul Walker and Scott Kahn.

And it's just Vanderbeek in the car. And Billy Bob, like, you know. Oh, yes, I know. You get a late start in the morning, you know. You're trying to make up time. Okay, fine. You're going to eat breakfast in the car. This dude is.

manhandling like fucking pancakes or waffles or something and then he drinks syrup right out of the bottle and I almost threw up all over my coffee too. I mean you can be that big and just kind of you know what I mean? Like overreed occasionally or what you don't mean you could just be that

big period. It doesn't matter. You're not drinking syrup in the morning. I don't know. I think I think he just has this shit in the car because he likes to eat in a way. I don't know. We knew a guy in college. I'm not going to name names or anything but I had to move his car once because he got so wasted. He's a heavier guy and, you know, put the seat up and, you know, I'm going to move his car for him.

And I went to, like, you know, put it into reverse. I don't know which way I was going. And I was like, okay, here I'm doing it. Oh, wait. No, this is a giant bottle of fucking sweet and sour sauce that's just lives in his car. I mean, I guess you never know when you're going to need to shift down to Flavortown. That's the thing. But that's for nuggets only, I would.

think. I don't think he's drinking it like it's water. I don't know. No, that's for coffee. That's what that one is for. Marge, can you tell Lisa, I just want a cup of syrup with my breakfast? Like I have every morning. You just have to imagine that like whatever fucking like a syrup company were like, yeah, we'll pay it and Dunkin' Donuts would not pay it. Like that's what I assume here. Like can't you have him eating a donut? Can't you have a breakfast burrito from fucking McDonald's? That would be more normal behavior. And this guy is anything but.

I think that's also true. He's also like, this guy's doing the thing where it's all performance all the time, but he's getting really sad at night kind of a thing. Absolutely. Just like, oh, yeah,

I'm going to drink syrup. Oh, I want to throw up, but people think I'm cool. I mean, dude, no greater example than when Billy Bob fucking loses his lunch in the washing machine,

the party scene, and then has to do the big boot and rally. And you know that guy just wants to go home. Oh, man. You know, he didn't even buy that pig. John Voight bought up for him. Oh, don't. Just so he knows at all times.

Just this is you. This is you, Billy Bob. Wow. We should use this opportunity to get into John Voight here. Yeah, playing, I almost call them fucking Coach Kruger. That almost works. Coach Kilmer. Yeah.

I got to say one of the absolute best casting decisions of all time, because, one, John Void's a piece of shit. So playing a piece of shit like Coach Kilmer comes very naturally to him. But also, man, any movie that features John Voight fucking going down in flames and being publicly humiliated to this degree, God damn, dude, that's an extra star and a half right there. I was really hoping Scott Kahn was going to get a baseball bat to the nuts number two. Oh, yeah. That's what you're really hoping for at the end there, but you don't quite get that. Well, you'll talk about the end.

I'm just curious about how this all plays out at the end. But we'll talk about it. Oh, I was hoping that like Scott Kahn would take him to the suck my dick tree. And throw him down, have him hit some branches and then force feed him. Oh, no, I fell off to suck my dick tree. And I got to suck some dick. That damn tree fucked me up. That damn tree ruined my life.

Coach Kilmer is going to fucking hang himself from that same tree instead of sucking any dick. Dude, let me just, let me just predict. that. What his body's hanging in the trees one dick sucking branch loops up. Get that rig of mortis. God. But so, yeah, they get to school. We should also say

Wendell is the African-American player who was actually a former running back for the Kansas City Chief. This guy never really acted again. But he was just. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I mean, I think it was kind of a low level. Like, he wasn't like a big deal. But like, you know, he did play the NFL at least. Pretty magnetic. He is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Totally good

in this movie. Um, the thing, oh, so yeah, Billy Bob, uh, oh, uh, Elile Swinton was the dude who plays Wendell. Um, anyway, so Billy Bob, they pull into school, right? Billy Bob, pig in the car. Also, Pig Parker. You get to look at this fucking shitty park job this guy does. No, I fucking missed it. He's in this big, huge pickup truck and he's way over into the one side of the space. Scott Kahn can barely open the door.

Vanderbke, whoever is there, Paul Walker. Like, you got to fix that, Bob. You can't fucking do that. Well, that's the thing, dude, that it's fucking football. You're like, son of a bitch, oh, football. God bless football. I guess I'll walk for 20 minutes and miss my class. There's a huge dent in my car door, but it was because of a football player's truck.

So never mind. I'm surprised they don't have like those things you put around your rear room mirror. It just has like a little football on it. And then you just go away with everything. You park over three parking spots. Well, I think maybe Billy Bob doesn't need that because it's like, oh, pick up truck with a massive pile of pig feces in the back. That's Billy Bob.

We also learn around here that James Vanderbeek's character is dating Amy Smart as Julie Harbor. She is the younger sister of Paul Walker. Look out. Much like the Fast and Furious franchise, we're fucking some sisters here. That's kind of crazy. That's, you know, Amy's smart, but this is a dumb move. I feel like, you know, dating your friend's sister is kind of bold. Yeah, it also, like, it's, it takes too long to figure that out in the movie for, at least for me.

I was like, she's what? Oh, okay. It's not really clear for a while, I think. Pretty early. All right. Maybe I'm the idiot. Yeah, it's fine. You know, I was just thinking about where that suck your dick tree was.

I just really just didn't love football enough. You just didn't love it enough. I was on Google Maps putting down some pins. to hope and to find it. Maybe it's this tree. Oh God, maybe it's this tree. And you have to test it both ways. Like, well, this tree suck me off.

And it's not, you've got to bring someone with to throw them off of it to see if they will then suck your day. You know what? I'm saying it right now. I am fucking putting a tip in to the Jersey City Parks Department. Look out for Steve Sadeg. He's a real tree fucker out there. Yeah. Yeah, Johnson. Another one. Another dead one. Yeah, he died.

rubbing his dick up against a tree thinking it was going to suck his dick. How does that kill somebody? He just shredded his genitals and... Oh, no, no, no, no. Look, look. Listen to me, Chris. This is only the first month of season 12.

We can't be talking about shredded genitals. What's it doing? To be fair, he's a legend. He's allowed to do what he wants. That's true. So we can tone it down a little bit, you know, for the folks at home. Poison Ivy Dick, maybe.

Sure. Sure. That's, you definitely don't. I'd probably kill myself if that happened. We could make it very itchy, right? Would that at some point become pleasurable? Like, would you start feeding off too much? No, it's never.

No, it's just you wish you. Just checking. We got to a rally. Take that math class. I want to know how many classes are canceled so you can hear from the football team before they play a fucking game. The Wikipedia plot synopsis said that. that this character of, you know,

James Vanderbeek is intelligent and gifted. You know, he reads a book. You don't see anything else. Well, that's the word as far. He reads Slaughterhouse 5. And because of that, I think you wrote an essence like,

you know, once I read Slaughterhouse 5, well, okay, here's a fucking full scholarship to Brown. Congratulations. Full academic scholarship. Yeah, like you don't get any, like, sense of what he is outside. Like, football's not life. Well, what else do I know?

know about him other than he's fucking Kurt Vonnegut fan the only doesn't even say it is that i want i want to ratchet always like mr vonnegut junior you're right you need that can't hardly wait stole that the only classroom scene is the sex one right yes so yeah sex ed you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't but like you need to have him in an actual class of something have an english class i guess exactly i guess you're supposed to think he's talented because he knows so many names for penis. Oh, I wrote them down, Chris. Do you want me to pull that up? Please, let's just do it. You want to do it now? Wait,

one record correction before we get too far off of it, again, for all the car experts out there. Can't Hardly Wait, didn't steal shit from this movie, because it came out a year before this one came. I meant the idea of a Kurt Vonnegut superfan. Yes, but in that movie, though, I mean, that makes total sense.

Like, Ethan Embry is talking nonstop about how he wants to be a writer. Like, you need that in this movie, because especially because the end of the movie, and I guess that little part about we have laws against murder at the beginning of the movie. The movie also ends with Vanderbeak narration and like I guess that's supposed to be like your stand by me

esk. He wrote a book about all this shit. Yeah, exactly. But you don't know that. They don't tell you anything. Yeah, but it just sounds that way. But Vonnegut is like a cornerstone of the genre of school movies right back to school with Rodney. Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. So the... Are you going to read the name

for boners, right? Yeah, sure. Let's do that. The male erection, pitching a tent, sporting a wood, the icicle if formed, the marches on. See, I don't even get half of these. That's a fake one. The march is on. That's fake. Stiff, stiffy, Mr. Mortis, rigor mortis is set in, flash rocket, Jack's Magic Beanstalk, tall, Tommy, mushroom on a stick, Mr. Mushroomheadhead.

And my personal favorite, I'm just adding in them myself as Eric here, is the purple-headed yogurt slinger. Purple-headed yogurt slinger. but purple-headed yogurt slinger it's too much fantastic fantastic that's a mouthful I got to say you don't hear purple-headed enough

in terms of the penis the only other thing that comes to mind is a naked gun second what is it two I'll say naked gun two what because it's got a funny title two and a half whatever so naked gun two they have a reading of like a porno novel

and it's the purple-headed warrior and you know moved into the you know what but that's the only other reference I can remember I'm purple-headed something in a movie got it the other weird thing though about that whole sequence is like she specifically is asking for slang for erections

yeah well but a lot of these just read like a slang for a penis itself. Yes. But her thing is just like it's sex. This movie is horny as hell which we'll get to do after this. But like her thing is like oh you know we just need to like destigmatize some of this stuff. Let's say all the stuff we're not supposed

to say so it's not so bad kind of a thing. Also I'm a stripper that strips uh, in town by the way. That's that's the thing. Also we never get into any. It's just like oh cool. She's a stripper. Yeah. I get to see that and it's not ever not once are they like why does she have to do this why does she

paid enough is she is this how she gets school supplies for us this is like i everything needs to be more explored in this movie and how are they the first people in this school to find out about this that's the thing how it's the road it's up the road it's totally fucking unbelievable like and you need and i'm fairly certain that this doesn't have it you need a line where Vanderbeek is like, oh, everybody meet at the fucking general store tonight. We're going someplace out of town. We're all taking my car. You need that.

Because otherwise, yeah, we are just in this town and everybody would fucking know that that lady strips at the fucking local strip club. Everybody knows everybody. And like, you know, dad is going to be there every fucking weekend. He's like, aren't you my son's health teacher? Holy shit. I can't look at that actually. I got to go watch football. It's the only thing I care about.

It's the only thing that makes my purple-headed yogurt sling. It makes it sling yogurt. We should say so because we're really jumping all over the place. Hey, honey, you never sling yogurt last weekend. It's been a while since we slung yogurt. Where was the last time we went slinging? I got to find the tree first. No, that's just for sucking.

I'm talking slinging. Listen, I'm your wife. I want to suck your dick. You don't need the tree. we gotta stop trying to find that tree huh i'll be a millionaire if i find that tree once i find the tree i won't need you anymore janus i'll stay here for october but then i'm heading back out in the winter to find the tree i'm hot i'm gonna i'm gonna stay in the woods and find it you hear me martha i want this guy's movie where it's just him doing this but it's like

the lost city of z yes absolutely just a big fucking jungle adventure with this guy. It would be awesome. It's now time to bring Simon Jr. along with me to find that I'm going to suck your dick tree and oh no, we're both dead. Great movie by the way.

The detail I wanted to get out because it's the only thing that sort of at all attempts to set Vanderbeek's character like apart from the rest of these guys is there is a scene after that pep rally or whatever where he's like under the bleachers with Amy Smart. They're talking about how he really hopes he gets into brown yada yada and then i'll never see football again

and like you it's the only real time it's ever kind of discussed that they have some sort of plan about like getting out of town you know he's gonna go to school and fucking rhode island and you know they'll be far away from texas and yada yada but it's really the only time that it comes up if nobody at the school is throwing eggs at the billboard amy smart has to be if she has to live in that house with this god amongst men that if there's a billboard of your brother in your front yard

your older brother and yeah she would have to rip that thing down or burn it down like every other month I couldn't I can't deal with that but then you'd be the first suspect right and then suddenly your dad's telling you to do stuff to football players even more than usual

I mean this dad is I mean I think he's an even bigger loser than Mox's dad. Or maybe not. Oh, definitely. Oh, it's a real tough one. It's a real tough one. This guy seems like he might be more successful. See, that's why I think it's Mox's dad is the bigger loser, because at least Mr. Harbor, played by Richard Lineback, who's been a bunch of stuff.

He does care more, I think. But you also at least glean that he was like some Glory Day's quarterback versus like Mr. Moxon, who you know, doesn't really have much. This guy, Richard lineback, by the way. He's in speed. He was in the ring. He's in Natural Born Killers. He's in Twister. He gets fucked up in the beginning of

Natural Born Killers. Ooh. It's quite, I just rewatch that movie. He gets fucked up. It looks like he retired. All right. Oh, did he? Good for him. Yeah. His last credits justified in 2012. Oh, okay.

Like that. But yeah. Yeah. So like, we watched the first game which is they just win this game right it's like this is not where he gets his shit fucked up no it's not this is just you see like how good the team is and whatever but this is right away

though from this football scene this first game scene you fucking know John Voight is a fucking pig headed terrible coach because there's a there's a moment in the game where like you know I don't know if it's like a the receiver doesn't make the

reception or whatever but the ball it's just a dead ball on the ground, and it lands in front of Vanderbeek, who's sitting there reading Kurt Vonnegut inside his playbook binder, like he's looking at pornoes in fucking science class or something. And the ball like comes to his feet,

and he picks it up, and nonchalantly hucks this fucking thing, like across the field, nails the referee right in the breadbasket, knocks the wind out of him. And fucking John Voigt, through this whole movie, is doing nothing but we are a running team.

We are a running team. And I'm like, dude, do you see the fucking rocket that is sitting on your sideline, you idiot? What are you doing? Running team. He raids, though. Not in my football team. Ain't no reading. It's James Patterson. We don't read. It's James Patterson or bust around here, fellas. That's it. If you didn't buy it in a fucking airport, you ain't reading it on the fucking field. I think it's like if you read too much, your eyes go too fast back and forth. but you need to be thinking about your feet. This guy is a terrible coat.

He apparently has won 22 district championships and two state championships. I feel like the state championships are way, way in the past, by the way. He not only has a statue of himself outside the stadium, the stadium is named after him. Yeah, also here's the thing, John Boy, you love bragging about them 22 conference championships

and the two state final championships. That just means that 22 times you didn't win the stage championship. Exactly, but no. But this guy doesn't fucking coach defense. Like, they're always down by 10 points. Fuck you, dude. Yep.

And it's also weird that like every main character and Steve, correct me if I'm wrong here, but every like Scott Khan, obviously Paul Walker and James Vanderbyke, Billy Bob, it's all offensive players. They don't socialize with the defense at all. It's very strange. But Billy Bob is supposed to be defense, right? No, he's an offensive lineman. Oh, but he's lineman, I guess, okay.

Yeah, he's on the line, but he's like an offensive tackle. Even at the end of the movie, like the big defensive play, like Scott Kahn and what you would call it, Billy Bob have to get involved because they have no idea how to do that, I guess. Like the defense is just like, I don't know. Well, because you never see them practicing with any of these guys. Yeah. All this fucking trick plays and whatever the fuck else.

So they win and now we're at a big party. And this, that's the thing is this movie is like. kind of like a teen romp and then like the drama comes in like it's just like one there all these scenes are mostly successful like the drama scenes and the romp scenes but they just kind of rotoscopy or just kind of like alternate and to be nothing essentially well also i mean i mean scott con is very funny and energetic this but he's a serial killer like oh for sure yeah my god the first steps of serial killerdom is in he starts singing a song in this party uh she uh she broke my heart so i broke her jaw and he's swinging a bat with him i'm like

okay everybody let's this this party after the big game here we should mention billy bob says a you know a slur while he while he's getting himself into the headspace to play this other team yeah there's a big old f bomb here stunningly though it's the only one in the movie shocking it's It's funny because I remember seeing this movie. I've seen this, like, probably like five times before this. And like, I never noticed that before. Like, it, I always started. Were you watching it on like television or something?

I guess so. I guess so. But like, I guess I, like, maybe they edited it out. That is possible, I guess. But I don't remember it the first time I saw it. Well, because it's kind of, it's off to the side. Like, you're just walking by Billy Bob's locker and he says something like, he's like singing a song and then he's not afraid of those.

It's a prayer. I will fear no belief from Bainville. I think it's doing like in the valley of the shadow of death thing, which is just like, I don't know, cringe at this point. Coolio's like, keep my shit out of your mouth, kid. Also, I saw Pulp Fiction too. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, this party's pretty wild. The other thing with Scott Con, it's not in this party scene, but another one.

like Scott Con definitely even though Billy Bob's got the slurs Scott Con definitely the most cancelable football player on this team because it's it's that fucking line and then later they're at a practice it's before they go to the strip club and he's like talking to James Vanderbeak and he's like

you know the thing about girls in this town whatever it is they're all panty droppers all you got to do is give them this pill that pill this pill and a couple of beers and they drop it and I'm like Perk-a-sac two Vicodin and a couple beers So when they are unconscious

and fighting for their lives Yeah well and again he does Like it's just he's a lovable scamp Is the way it's sort of played Like yeah You're not supposed to like him and like you know I think Banderbe's like Are you going to enjoy prison?

Hey this knucklehead Yeah There's at least that but I feel that's a fucking note from Paramount that's like You know what Somebody's got to tell that kid that that's wrong Because this movie It's written by a guy

W. Peter Illif, and I feel like, if you look at his IMDB photo, it tells you everything you need to know about the guy. I just looked at it. This is fucking great. And this is the guy who wrote Patriot games, Point Break, story credit on the remake of Point Break, but that's got to be

just characters. He wrote the screenplay for that. Yeah, see, exactly. Like, this is the guy that definitely wrote fucking Varsity Blues, and it's a screenplay that feels like it was written by like a first year screenwriting kid like 18. Let's do some podcasting here. So this gentleman,

a white gentleman, if you could believe it. What? Wait, what? Sandy. What color was he? Sandy blonde hair. A goatee. Big fat cigar to his mouth. And he's wearing a hat that he's made himself.

Yes. That says ill if on it. But it's got the NFL logo for some reason. He's wearing a backwards hat. And in the background, I mean, did he just pull this? from his Facebook. It's just, there's a sign that says no parking anytime. Where is this photo from? His other photos

lead me to the same questions. Oh, wow. Look at this. Yeah, these are, wow. Oh, my God, there's one where he's like totally drunk and sweaty and he's doing his weird pointing at the camera. Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah. Still got that goate.

Peter Illif, who loves you, baby. I think he thinks this is like his Tinder or something. Yeah, this is a guy who definitely was friends with Don Simpson. Oh, for sure. Who's Don Simpson? Of Berkheimer and Simpson. Oh, he's the producing partner. He died. Oh, that died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the big action guy.

There's one picture of him in front of an enormous bong. Has anyone gotten to that one yet? Oh, fuck. I decide to stop looking. I'll put it in the chat. I'll put it in the chat. There's just a picture in his IMDB that's a painting. There's three bongs tied to a hookah. Yes. I'm sure it's a Crop from. Oh, what is this? And what is the vacuum cleaner? I don't know, man. My man lived alive, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tweeter rules. I mean, my favorite part of that seed with a tweeter. There's just a picture of a Tales from the Crypt cover. The comic. If you go further down, there's an uncropped version of his main photo. And he's smoking cigars with his son.

Oh, his son, Dane. That's sweet. I got to say. Dan's probably your listener. Dane, reach out. I finally got to the bong picture on my iPad and like looking at it a little closer here. We're talking. Yeah, like it's a bunch of bongs precariously taped together. There's a hookah there. There's a vacuum clear.

This guy is just a 50-year-old man in a dorm room somewhere. Yeah, it's like somebody when you're like your dopey fucking drug dealer friend made like a space station with joints and tried to make you smoke it. I don't need this. This is too much. complication, buddy. Oh no. Did you see the picture of him eating the ice cream bar? No. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. There it is. Wow. That's a great one to put up. Oh, I mean, whatever. I don't know the guy personally, but these are some fucking funny pictures, man. I mean, I'm sure he's fine. I'm sure he's a nice dude. He's probably good hang. Seems like a very nice guy. Seems like he would, you know, share whatever stash he has. I mean, but I mean, like the Twitter storyline, if you were to like just focus. on it. It's a Paul Schrader movie. He's got all these pills at home that he's dealing to his fucking

classmates. And he's like, remember he gives fucking Lance a thing of pills? And he's like, don't worry. I got plenty more. He's running him over the border. You can keep this whole bottle. I've got more. By the way, I just texted you guys. I'm sorry. I'm just

looking through this whole album. But it looks like he kind of maybe wrote a porno novel. Sure. That makes sense. Did you get the picture? Fast flashed a bang time and there's a woman, there's a gun that I guess is smoking and there's a woman inhaling the smoke from the gut. This is very hot. Is the gun itself made of smoke? It looks I don't know, but then there's also just the logo of the FBI. Yes. And then an adult movie

marquee above that. I think this looks cool as hell. And either Miami or Reno something behind it. Maybe Miami. I mean, this makes it. I don't know. know like it's very sexy to shoot a gun in a woman's face yeah folks look up the photo if you want to know more because it's it's seriously a gun pointing at a woman's face and smoke coming out of the barrel and going into her mouth and she looks like she's enjoying it um can we talk about my favorite character of the movie which is at this party scene yeah um he is it's the guy we're talking about the scene anyway it's when tweeters got the the wiffle ball bat yes and there's the guy from class of 80

at the party. I love this. Oh, man. So 19 years ago. So this must be... From the time of this movie. People in Texas, this probably happens all the time. You get like, letcherous older people that are like, I played on the team. I get to hang out. It's a whole

state full of Woodersons. It's a whole state full of Wooderson. Exactly. And Twitter just like, he's like, hey man, let's have some fun. And he like just puts a potted plant on this guy's head. He's like, I would do William Tell and he like knocks him in the nuts and it's amazing but I want this entire you know Paul Schrader movies I want Paul Schrader on and it's about this dude just getting

up hung over the next day being like oh man none of them high school girls fell off the suck your dick tree dude what the fuck what the fuck I just I just got to go to my job tomorrow at Radio Shack that will never close down Scott con when he hits him in the nuts by the way. He says like, oh, you want to be on America's funniest home videos or whatever and he's got Billy Bob filming it and he's, after he hits him in the nuts, he says that they ought to call

it America's funniest shots of the nuts. I mean, he's right, though. That's what that show was. That's very true. That's all it ever was. It was like, testicular trauma. 90% testicular trauma and then people falling off trampolines. And like some dogs too doing some fun

stuff. I had some cute dogs. Sure. Yeah. Or like a solid like you spooked your aunt who was coming out of the laundry room or something. Yeah, like that kind of shit. But it was predominantly dudes getting hit the nuts. Don't pretend it was otherwise. Exactly. Most of it, like the most common one was probably

like, we're going to light the birthday cake and then suddenly someone runs in and punches the dude and the dick while he's going to slow down. That was the most common video. I mean, it's a guy standing next to a big gorilla and he's getting a little too close to the cage and then some guy runs out

and punches him in the nuts, basically. Is that at work? Yep. This is also in this party scene. We are briefly introduced to her at the pep rally, but head cheerleader here, played by Allie Larder. This was her first movie ever,

first movie role ever, and she's playing Darcy is this character's name. And she is dating Paul Walker, of course, the Star QB. And they're going to have a little laundry room fuckfest. Sure.

like this is where you're like oh wait this is a spectacularly horny movie yeah and like she's like taking her underwear off and he's like I don't know if I can baby and she turns the dryer on or the washing machine on it's like don't worry baby let the dryer do the work and it's like this is a movie about children yep yeah well I mean

like Lance I'm sorry he's you've built this world where the football like he's the QB he has to have a card that's like, uh, sorry, buddy. I got to take your parents room and fuck in it. Yes, exactly. I, you know, I got the card and you know, I can do it. Like your parents want me to fuck on your bed.

It would be an honor for you. Hey, honey, Lance left us a mess, baby. This is amazing. Honey, honey, take some of that come, put it in you. All right. You know, no, maybe it won't work, but listen, maybe we'll get it at Lance Harbor, baby. They've found a football hero in her, Jack. Listen, Marcy, Marcia, before you take it, let me smell.

a little bit, just a little bit. Oh, that's the good stuff, baby. Snorted it right into my brain. Oh, man. Oh, Lance, I cannot believe Lance Harbor fucked on my bed. I can't wait until the guys are the tackle store. I'm going to put on a child's jersey and pretend that I'm him now. He's so cool.

I got to get up early tomorrow and get to the plaque store so I can get a Lance fucked in my bedroom plaque. for my house. Maybe I put it in the office. Hell, Marcia. What do you think? The great thing about it is in this town, you don't even have to custom order those.

They just have a pre-made at the hardware store. That kid had 2,000 yards last year and he fucked in my bed tonight. That's amazing. That child fucked in my bed. That 2,000 years passing. My God. My God. That's amazing.

Got it into the end zone in here. Oh, oh, anyway, my daughter, too. Oh, I'm so honored. Oh, that's great. I hope he has sex with her some more. I also love, I love Billy Bob and Amy Smart going at each other like it's that the beginning scene in Raiders the Lost Dark kind of thing. Exactly what I was going to say, dude. Yep, like she is Marion Ravenwood and Billy Bob is that other lady.

And they are just doing, they're playing quarters, which is always fucking lethal. Because here's the thing about playing quarters, folks. inevitably. I feel like nine times out of ten we have two quarters opponents. One is really good and one fucking sucks shit and that's what's going on here. Amy Smart really rules at this and Billy Bob

not so great and he's got to do one last fucking boiler maker dude and this guy like the whole room. I think maybe Scott Khan has the line. Someone's like uh oh you hear that sound. Billy Bob's gonna throw up. I mean in my binge drinking days there's no worse feeling than you're

about to throw up, but you're like, you know what? It's part of whatever bad game I'm playing. Better do it. I never do it. I never played quarters. No. I never did either. I played a stupid bullshit. I never had two to rub together. I mean, I specifically

call, recall one time Steve, we were doing like a very like laid back four person power hour one year at school. and it was a bad like whoever went on the beer run like totally messed up and there was a lot of heavy beers and I think it was like

Sam Adams was one of them or some shit like a heavier beer and it was like okay here's the last shot and like when minute 60 hit I was in our bathroom and I did the shot and then vomited I knew I was going to vomit but yep you gotta finish the game first There's no legal action presented if you can't finish a drinking game. Just a rule for the kids

out there. You'll be just fine. Party responsibly. Also, don't puke in a washing machine. Oh, definitely don't puke in a washing machine because that's what Billy Bob does. He also ruins the fucking that's going on. I left some hot dogs in there if you get hungry. Oh, honey, Billy Bob threw up in our laundry machine. Our house is twice blessed. I'm going back to the hardware store and buying one of them pre-made sons that says Billy Bob threw up in my house.

Son, he's a son, eat some of his vomit to give you powers. He's a high school football player. He's the top of the food chain. Oh, man. So we cut to this like barbecue that's going on. And this is like, man, this is the line of all these fathers. It's so embarrassing.

Oh, is this a barbecue or this? is this where they're watching the practice? Like they've literally just, yeah, it's not the barbecue scene yet, but it's like these dudes just showed up to watch the practice and they're drinking beers. Like, that's how into it folks are down there with this shit, man. It is a religion. It is bigger than the Lord God.

It's bigger than religion. I would say it's just, it's finding new public places to get drunken. It is acceptable. That's why everybody's fucking alcoholic in this movie. That's funny. There can be multiple, multiple motivations, Chris, If football is in the air, you can drink all you want. But if you drink outside beyond that in the United States, you'll be murdered.

I'm amazed. They even make his, Mox's mother is an alcoholic. Like, it's in the barbaraeat in her hand. Yeah. The barbecue scene, it's like the fear and loathing scene where they all turn into reptiles. It's ridiculous. I mean, we can get to it right now because it actually turns out it's right here after the practice. And this is when like the, um,

mox's dad, Harbour's dad or going out about who's son's better, like, yeah, well, you're sure. And I mean, also, like, obviously, Lance Harbor's better because he's the fucking quarterback. He's the starting quarterback. Like, that's, that's, you know, end of argument. A team of professionals

evaluated the two of them and figured out which one was better. High school administrators or whatever. I mean, what's a coach at the end of the day? You're paid and you're registered by the state as an actual coach. Like, Listen, down there, you can't just be some fucking Joe Schmoe off the street. There's like registration involved.

They better registrate these guys because right when they're done, they could move them right to the sex offender registry. It's moving right over. Well, Lance is definitely the better football player. But you know, that Mok's boy, he has a TV show that's very popular. A teenage soap opera. I mean, he must be, he has to shuttle back and forth all the time, it seems. Yeah, but to be fair, I believe Harbor's going to.

have the bigger career in the films, okay? Harbour is going to be in all sorts of teen films and move on to some car movies. He might, he might do that, but he was going to flame out spectacularly because my boy here's got moxie. Mox. Is it better than the other question is, is it better to burn out or fade away? That's true. Those are the two. That's the, right? Someone makes a meme of that with Paul Walker's photo and James Vanderpitz one. fading away like back to the future. Personally, I'd rather not die in a fiery car. I had no chance

of escaping from. Here's a line that I don't know if I heard properly, but see what you guys think here. The dad's at one point at the start of the scene, I could have sworn or talking about one of them is intentionally holding back

one of the kids an extra year so that when he's like of football playing age, he's like older and bigger than some the other kids. Did you catch that line? I missed it, but that makes total sense. And it's something about like, oh, don't worry about being left

behind. It's all right. Something. And I was like, wait, what nefarious shit is going on here with this kid's line? I think that's standard in Texas. Everyone's left behind like two or three years so they can get beefy for the games. Yeah, we've got him a gym membership for his third birthday.

We just want to get him in there and start getting him ready for the field. I will say an astonishing amount of these seniors are 18 years old. I mean, they're just trying to get around some of the dicier parts of this movie. But obviously, you know, some of it's like they got left back at least. Oh, yeah. They're like 38 or something. I love this loser father falling into the fucking fence because he can't catch this very, very fucking weak pass from James Vanderbeek.

Does he get hit in the face? He does. Well, he gets hit in the face after that, yeah. Because then it's like, all right. So he's humiliated twice at this morning. Exactly. And then like the guy. the guy is like giving him shit

and he's like oh yeah let's finally see here I would have put a beer kid on my head and my son Paul Walker is going to do an awesome job and knocking it off and I'll be fine and then it's like why don't you do it and then like everyone it does turn into this like really nasty again the directions all over

in this movie this really nasty kind of like almost trippy kind of like everyone's like do it do it do it you're like getting inside a vendor Beaks head including a baby Jesse Plemons, and to spite his father, he breaks his fucking nose in a big bad way.

The line that sets him off is when the dad just goes, you fire that fucking pig skin. I'm just surprised that they were allowed to reference William Tell without like someone being beaten up for book learning. Well, first he's going to throw

the football and get the can off my head and then we're going to kick your ass for being a nerd. That William Tell. better have been a member of Jeth Roteau or we're going to beat the shit out of you here. Your teeth's getting knocked out. Coincidentally, by the way, we're talking about Paul Schrader.

William Tell is the name of the Oscar Iza character in his new film The Card Counter. There you go. There's something. There's something. Little nugget. Little nugget. Oh, this is the, so we get the sex ed scene right around here.

which we pretty much covered although I have to say one of the best things Purple yogurt slinger before the purple yogurt slinger when the teacher is because she's trying to say like okay we're going to say some of the slang for these organs and whatnot

and then we're going to get rid of them we're going to say it and get rid of them or whatever we're going to just say penis and vagina the whole time and so she asks for what are some of these slang terms and this guy in the front row sheepishly raising his hand going,

uh, is boner one of them? Like, dude, you know it is. You know it is, Craig. Come on, man. Come on. Like, the football team is eating all the oxygen in school. This is your time to shine. Say boner with some pride. Totally. The teacher is literally asking you to say boner. It's the one time you can say it and not get in trouble. It would be funny if he just completely beefed it like, uh, bony. that's that's one right a bony i got a boner i got a booner i got a booner baby get ready for the booner i got a rock hard boni bar i've got a booner uh how about an afternooner for my booner i i get out of here george i have a stiffite right that's one a stiffite is it not you're an anti stiffite oh it's no stiffy oh i'm sorry oh i lost again uh i do billi the important part about this scene is Billy Bob

has to go to the bathroom. He starts throwing up because in the game that we saw, he gets what we used to call, he got his bell rung before a concussion was a word. And so he's like really struggling. And then like he has to go to the nurse. And this is when you see what a piece of shit Kilmer is. And he's like,

you could take the rest of the day off, boy, but you got to be a practice. You're going to be just fine. Do you care about the team? You better play that boy. You better play to that. And it's like he fucking, he twists it so that, like, he, because he tells Billy Bob just, like, sit in the nurse's office for the rest of the day, and he's like, take advantage,

just hang out here, do nothing, take advantage, rest up. As in, like, you know, isn't it so cool? You can just hang out in the nurse's office all day. Meanwhile, like, yeah, this dude could have a fucking serious brain bleed going on. And also, you see in the other game, also, right before it, Paul Walker is getting some, like, leg injection kind of a thing.

So, like, there's all sorts of, what do you call it there? underhanded stuff. Listen, listen, I don't know what's in the vaccine. I ain't going to get it. We know, yeah, put that fucking weird liquid in my knee right now. I got to play football. He's, uh, oh, what is it? I, uh, it's a, oh, I mean, it's a painkiller injection.

They're numbing him up, so he can't. He's, like, injured and not that extreme. Heroin. He's, yes, yep, it's heroin. Throw me to me right now. Throw it to me right now. throw it here. Like a fucking like corticosteroid or something like that.

To just like, you know, the whole thing is John Void has all these injured players that he's forcing to play hurt by injecting them with shit. That's totally illegal. It's totally normal. That's just how you win ball games, son. All right, son.

You got to come in here. I got the Weapon X program for you, boy. You're going to have Adamate your skeletons. Now, Lance, you come in here. This is where the gamma bomb's going to go off. You got to get Rick, get Rick Jones out of there. Get Ricky Jones out of there. Who gave this boy claws?

She's breaking up a football. I'm popping. That's right. I got a soup. I got to call him an X-Man. God damn it. All right, Billy Bob. Get in this experimental chamber now.

All right. Now sit down here. This radioactive spider's just going to bite your hand, Billy Bob. Oh, dude, big fat Spider-Man sign me up. Oh, that rule. Totally. There's got to be some sort of what-if horse. shit where like rhino gets bit by

the radioactive spider right you know into the spider verse where's the fat one how about that? How about the body positivity? I want to see some webs go around the Chrysler building and take it half of it down with him. I want to see myself on screen. How about that? Yes.

A mirror. So we have like the next big game and yes Billy Bob playing you know really seriously injured here fucking says to you know he's on oxygen. Here's the thing. He's on the bench

with oxygen attached to him. And Voight is like, okay, I need you one last time. One last drive. Billy Bob, get back out there. And he fucking collapses on the line, like right as the snap happens. Is there no second stringer? Come on. That's the, yeah, that's again by John Void is a terrible fucking football coach in this movie, man. And so he collapses, the defense breaks through immediately. Paul Walker gets fucked up by these

dudes totally blasts his knee out. And the crazy, one of the crazier parts of this movie is Paul Walker's own father. They cut him in the stands. He stands up and like puts his hands on top of his head. It just goes, oh no,

don't do this to me. To me. You fucking asshole. Every parent in this movie's a piece of shit. Because wasn't he going to go like play football somewhere? Miami, I think, or Florida. Florida, too.

or state or some shit. Yeah. So like it's a big school. He's going to go there and he's going to maybe have a career but everyone in this stupid town thought, well, maybe high school is the most important thing in the world. Isn't it be awesome if you had a kid that went on to play in the NFL? That'd be

like that you could put on a fucking billboard that other thing, right? He's like he's been this father and probably the mother too. Like they've been plotting all these years like and then when he's finally in the NFL we're going to be rich. He's going to be our little fucking money train.

You know, don't even worry about it. We're going to be set for life. But fucking John Void is too busy trying to win the game against Shittington or wherever they're playing against. Like, you know what I mean? We've got to play hard again, Shittenden. Uh, Shitterton up by 10 in the break.

Wow, we just really squeaked one by there, Shittington. We had to really squeeze it out, but we squose out that victory against Shittington. I can't believe my own son messed his leg up, playing. Shittington, I better put this pillar over his head

tonight. Oh, man. Oh, those fucking up those uptats shitton girls think they're so great. I'm here talking to Bubba Tiny Dick Dixon about the game between the coyotes and the and the Shittsville

shitters tonight. Like, I think it's more important. Like, oh, cool, this kid went on to do something outside of my little fucking sphere. No, your life only matters for four years. Oh, man. He's like 14 to 18. Four touchdowns against Shittington. That is a day I'll always remember.

Wow, man, four touchdowns against Shittington. We flush those fuckers. Yeah, I got so much shitty ass that night. It's funny, I keep on hearing Shittington and I hear it more. I was like, oh, Shittenden FC. Oh, I. Oh, no, looks like Shittington F.C.'s been relegated once again. Oh, back down you go, Shittington FC. Oh, no, the Shittington keeper has gone down. He's down for the season.

That's going to hurt Shittington's chances. Quite a spell of grass burn there. Oh, what a sport. Oh, you're for Shittington. You're bollocks, mate. You're bollocks, mate. That's great. So the thing that's fucked up also is like

he obviously Paul Walker has to come off the field. I have to say props to Paul Walker really selling this fucking energy. This guy is screaming on this football field. He's doing a really good job here. So then it's like they're all like the entire stadium, these two guys that we keep cutting to in the announcers booth who shock of all shocks real Texas high school football announcers. Oh, you can smell it.

actors. No. Oh, you definitely can. Wait, wait. Everyone is like those two dudes are real real announcers. And they'd announce is it just at the game or are they putting this on like television or are radio in a real way? Probably local radio to imagine.

Yeah. In Texas it's definitely radio but like especially nowadays would not shock me if that's also television. Really weird man. And back then I mean only 20 years ago like it was definitely on like public television or something. If we started obsessing over high school students suddenly it's a problem they could do it all they want

well look eric the only way that bubba tiny dick dixon is going to make a living is if he has this job talking about children playing a sport it's fucking bizarre to me that's all and i'm from the same god damn nation apparently now let's say there's a lot of uh uh weird stuff going on they call me Bubba Tiny Dick because my penis is very small. My name is not Richard just to be clear. I want to be really clear about that. I'm also... Boys, I have some terrible news I have to report today.

Bubba Tiny Dick Dixon, who we all know and love, the best nose tackle this team has ever seen is transferring to Shittington. I can't believe. I can't believe it. We are going to set fire to that fat boy's car right now. I heard he actually found the dick sucking tree and it couldn't find it

to suck if you know what I'm saying. and he won't share he won't share this tiny dick with any of us but the funny thing is all of these people once Paul Walker has to come off the field they're like

well the game is totally over with now we may as well forfeit and then like fucking Voight has to be like all right Max get out here you're going in boy and everyone is like this fucking piece of shit

he's going to lose this goddamn game for us Kilmer you got to just fucking call it, man. Don't even let it play. Like, they're so disgusted that James Vanderbeek is going in. You can't let a book reader in a football game. Don't mess it all up.

They don't know what to do with the ball. They'll probably try to put it down and hit it with a mallet. All right. Now, this ain't no slap. This ain't no slapstick moxin. You better eat in the breakfast of champions right now, motherfucker. You're going to be singing the sirens of

titan by the end of this night, motherfucker, this is football. Just screaming motherfucker at kids. That's exactly what this is. You ain't no dead eye dick from where I'm sitting. I'm going to tell you what. We're going to run the cat's cradle on three. Go. Boy, you naming football plays after books over there or what?

We could change the author if you like there, coach. We can go Hemingway next. Okay, the sun also rises on five. Go! but no he comes in and he wins he does a great pass he does a 40 yard pass yep he shuts him the fuck right up a 40 yard bomber he also i think it's because they he's trying to like stop the clock or something he hits the uh the shittington bear cascott in the face which is which is good i do love it's so great that's got to be that's like intentional grounding at least like that doesn't count sorry when you like pass to no one yeah I mean, you could kind of, I was watching it in the first one. Yeah.

The second time he does it to that guy on the fucking horse, that's definitely intentional grounding. But the first time, I think you could make the argument, there's like a dude, like way off to the side. And it could be like, I was trying to throw to Jenkins. Got it. It's just, that's just Texas style football. You hook it at the nearest person off the sides. And then you put some beans on it or something. If you injure somebody from the audience, you get an extra 10.

points. Yeah, we do a death race 2,000 rules, okay? So now if he could, if he could throw that football at a, at a, at a hospital full of injured people, he get a lot of points right there. But very important to note right here, John Voigt

calls some fucking play and James Vanderbeek's like, this guy's an idiot and he changes the play, calls his own shit, and literally himself scores the winning touchdown. He runs it into the end zone and John Voight is like, few, which is hilarious. It's so awesome watching this guy get upset this whole movie.

He's a piece of shit. It's great. I love seeing it. You won. Why don't you just embrace this? Because guess what? Because we are a running team. We are a running team. We don't throw the football. Unless you have Adamantium to put into Paul Walker, you should fucking adjust. Yes, exactly. You should be thankful. Oh, shit. I thought the season was over. I've got a totally good, maybe even better quarterback. That's good news. Swallow your pride for a second and just be like, you done good. today and then go to the

shit bar and stew on your own. No, he can't he can't stand to watch a reader win, Eric. He can't do it. It pisses him off. Because he's never one thing, readers never win and winners never read. That's how it works. He never learned to

read or write. I think that's why he resents him so much. At the hospital you found out that Paul Walker is out for at least 18th. And it's all this terrible shit where the dad is like, how long is he out? Not as, is my son okay because he's a real fucking piece of shit and it's like oh he's

out for 18 months if he ever plays again he had scar tissue on his knee he shouldn't have been playing at all and John Voitz's like well I don't know and then it's kind of weird because like yeah it's that you know I found an awful

lot of scar tissue down there and then John Voight's like oh you know what James Vanderbeek maybe you get on home now. You get on home and like he leaves. And then Allie Larder is like, oh, well, I know my boyfriend just had this career ending football injury, but gotta go and like runs after Vanderbeek just looking for looking for the next QB. Unfortunately, that's what this character is doing. It ends up being extremely sad what we find out when she's just like, I would, I just want to be attached to a like a football guy because it's the literally only way to leave this town. Well, let's talk about that because it's a

thread that gets dropped immediately. She's in like two and a half scenes in this movie, even though the one, and I'll let me pull it up, because it's the worst piece of IMDB trivia ever pulled up. But she's like, you know, she comes on to him and she's like driving in his car. It's like, mind if I get changed? And he's like,

well, I don't suppose so. I don't want your life either. Just want to be clear. I do not want to be a cheerleader. I don't worry. I say this to everybody. Whenever I don't want to be what they are, I just tell them. I don't want your life.

What's also wild about it, though, is like she's changing and everything. And again, hornyest movie I've watched in a really long time. Like, she's just like running her tongue around her lips like repeatedly.

Like, she's changing. And James Vanderbeeks doing a really bad job of like not looking, you know? Well, that's the weirdest part about this movie. So much of it is like, oh my God,

look at these sad old fucks and they want to like live through these kids. Here's a movie where you want to live through these kids. Like, you know what I mean? Like the wish fulfillment angle of this movie is so bizarre. If we didn't focus on the parents wish as much at all or, you know, and Voight was just this foil and we had sexy shenanigans, it might feel more right. Yes. Um, yeah, it's, it's weird though with Vander. I mean, like, yeah, I do think you're mostly right, Steve, but like, what he winds up

doing like with Alley Larder, like sort of takes that the other way. Well, you know what I mean? she invites him to her house and he's like you know this is the muscle brotherhood scene we'll call that he's at a condoms he's at a convenience store and he's like should i be a good guy should it be the guy that i want to be what i'm buying condoms i'm going to our house so he goes and she's like hey and she's like not dressed you know she's just kind of dressed like a hoodie and like t-shirt she's like oh i don't think you're coming over and he's like can ashdale come in like sure let me Do you want a, do you want a, what do you call it, a Sunday? Ice cream Sunday.

Well, I suppose. Showdown. That would be totally fine, I suppose. Well, I do have a bit of a sweet tooth after a. I don't want your laugh, but I want your sweets. I must have drank me about 15 Dr. Peppers. Because he is kind of sounded like virus fucking gum. He is definitely doing that.

But I mean, like, and also the thing is like, dude, if you're like, you know, you're doing the thing like, do I want to cheat on my girlfriend, my high school girlfriend, et cetera, et cetera, what do I do here? figure that out before you get to her house and also definitely figure that out before this woman comes out in a whipped cream bikini and then you have to be like, oh, this is too much. It's like, wow, I feel like a total asshole.

It further establishes. You know what, dude? You got to have sex with that girl. Like, you went this far, dude. Like, she's coming out with fucking desert accoutrema over her genitals. It's too embarrassing. You have to have sex with her.

Yeah. Exactly. God damn. This is in this movie. It's like to show that he's got. this moral character because he read it in a book or something, I guess, because he's the only person who's not a fucking monster in this town. Yeah, sure.

Let me be honest with the alley larder, my dick don't work. It just don't work. So, uh, sorry, I thought it was going to work. It ain't going to work. After games, it just don't, it don't get up. I don't know what the problem is. But I mean, she has to go into the shower immediately. Yeah.

Like, because you've got stickiness that you don't want the other stickiness, not the stickness. you were expecting tonight. I.M.D. And he's like, oh, sure, yeah. What is this bit here? The scene in which Allie Larder appears basically naked but for the whipped cream bikini is generally regarded as the film's most iconic scene and possibly the most iconic moment

of Allie Larder's career. Oh, come on. No, no, no. Just keep that off the fucking IMDB, God damn it. see the price part of the problem like whatever fucking basement dwelling loser wrote that shit they got rid of the message boards so these people are like you haven't heard last to me i want to talk about the fucking whipped cream bikini i think about it all the time i think about it all the time i'll talk about it in trivia uh somewhere like a little before that

happens and it doesn't matter but um just thinking i Again, on the fucking horniness of this movie, there's a scene, or is it right after he turns her down? He goes and buys beer and he gets like a, or he's going to buy a soda. Yes. And then the guy's like, oh, you don't want that and gives him like a six pack for free,

which he takes and he's just kind of walking around town, drinking. And at the party that he is, this does happen before the whipped cream bikini. Because at the party, he has just dropped Ali Larder off at fucking Scott Kahn's Kyle Tweeter character steals a police car

and then so this is the police car comes back and he's got the sirens on in the lights and James Vanderbier, Vick, it's kind of funny he hides the beer behind him really quickly but then it's Scott Kahn with three women and they're all nude in this police car and they're all like getting ready

for this fucking huge goddamn devil's advocate orgy and I'm like this is the horniest fucking movie. and James Vanderbig, I want to assure you that these girls are criminally underage. And we're talking about sophomore tongue bath. Yes, sophomore. Oh, that's right.

He definitely says they're sophomores, right? And Vanderbeek and Scott Conner known to be 18, capital Yikes. But the thing is he picks up is, he goes up to James Vanderbyke's like, hey man, you won't in. It's like, dude, I am not going to jail tonight, man. That is like one of those. Do you ought to be in a documentary in five years? He's like, no, dude, I don't. I'd rather go home and not worry about it.

When those three girls inevitably wind up murdered in the woods, the fucking documentary is getting made. And Vanderbeek and Scott Conner going down. Yeah, Twitter. The other book I read was in cold blood. I'm not going with you tonight. Sorry. Yo, dude, you want to be in a true crime documentary?

About 10 years? Come on in. Yo, man, I read all about what was going on of them Robin Hood Hills murders, man. I'm not getting fucking wrongfully accused like the fucking West Memphis 3. Dude, all I know is it a couple of years I'm going to have a one-on-one conversation

with Ms. Sarah Koenig. All right, all right. Oh, yeah. NPR is going to explore my ass. It's going to be great, man. They're going to put a show out. It's going to be sponsored by MailCamp, the whole thing. Yeah, explore, exploit, whatever.

There is a fucking hilarious line that Allie Larder has when she's inviting Vanderbeek to the dessert suere where she goes it's half off night at the gun club my folks never get home before midnight just yeah dude just kicking back some

beers at the gun clone but she's known to be I mean like our house is amazing she's rich they even say at a certain point I think he's trying to tell Amy smart that she's not quite so dumb she's like no she got straight A. He's like, why? I mean, and

I totally understand people get stuck in small towns, et cetera, et cetera. But this girl, if she's rich and has good grades, can go to any college she wants and that could be off-site. That could be away. But she's insecure. She's insecure. Steve is the whole point. Also, you might be, you know,

they say like, oh, she gets A plus, the only thing you remember about Larder's character is the fucking bikini. So why the fuck would I think, like, remember her as being smart or being from a good family if the only thing that they're focusing on is that shit. Well, the character disappears after this scene.

He says no. He leaves her in the whipped cream bikini. And then like the next day, she's like, that was really sweet. I can't believe what a nice guy you are. Thanks for like making me feel like a fool in my own home. And then she's out of the movie. Like totally out of the movie,

which is like, okay, you kind of need to finish that character one way or another. It is weird, right? Because it's like, right when it's like, oh, there's no possibility for sex between her and one of the main characters. Get the fuck out of here. No, I don't have any opinions. I have no end of life. Goodbye.

Wait a second. Did I hear this right? Not only, so you turned, so you left that one because he's broken, I get that. And you got turned down by this one. That said, bus out of town.

I will have no daughter of mine not be with a football player. Did you do the whipped cream? Baby, did you do the whipped cream bikini? And he still said no, God damn it. I thought that was going to work. Oh, I got to get my mocks plaque, I guess.

Oh, I have to return it, I guess. He didn't come in my bed, you idiot. You didn't make him come in my bed. You should be more like your sister, you know, young, naked in a police car with some guy named tweeter. It's kind of funny because the second they drop Allie Larder's storyline from the movie, they immediately pick up and then totally more or less drop up another thing where

they're in this hallway and Wendell is like, and just a reminder Wendell is the black character, he's like, listen man, you know, Kilmer is a fucking racist dude. Have you ever noticed how like we drive down the field and he has

no problem giving me the ball, but when it comes time to get into the end zone he's always given it to tweet or that guy's a fucking racist. And James Vanderbeek is like, well, don't worry about it, Wendell, because this next game that's coming up I'm definitely getting you in the end zone.

You have fucking scouts coming the whole thing, right? And then the game that comes next is the one where they're all hung over. Yeah, that's a good point. They fucking blow it. He doesn't give him the ball. Like, he gives him the ball in the big game at the end of the movie where I guess maybe a scout is also,

but like they never really address like the John Voight shit. Like I need a thing where like, because the only, I mean, yeah, John Voight is a racist. He's calling this dude boy through the whole movie. Like, you fucking get that. Like, it's there, but, like, they kind of just sort of dip their toe in it. And I need that to go a little further, too.

I need John Voight getting called out for that shit. Yes. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, this movie does this all the time. It just, like, it has stuff. And it just, like, it, like, stands through the hourglass. It's gone. It's also important to note that in this exchange with Allie Larder,

where she's like, thanks for fixing my life, mom. she gives him like a like a you know larger than just friends kiss on the mouth and amy smart sees what's going on here and is not too pleased about it and like even that thread because she's like you know what oh you think you're too big for your britches mott's we're breaking up and like that's cool and then like later in the movie he like goes to her job and this is when she's like she's serving burgers at a drive through the window and like to get rid of i think this place speaking of uh fucking wooderson i think this drive-in place here, the burger place, is in

Dazed and Confused. Oh, really? Yeah. Same restaurant. Yeah, I think it's when they're playing Frampton comes alive and dazed and confused. This seems like the same place. But she like gets rid of him, but like there's no big at the end of the movie, she's just like, yay,

Max, you won the game as opposed like you know what I mean? Like, is it about their romance? Is it not? Because it doesn't seem like it is. It's not really, right? No. If it were like, first of all, there would be a scene at some point towards the end of the movie where, you know, they hook up somewhere.

Like, for a couple that's dating, there's not a lot of action going on here. Or, like, in the epilogue, instead of just, like, his fucking weird Richard Dreyfus narration, it's like, maybe it's like an epilogue and it's like, you know, and then a year later, like,

she came to school also in Rhode Island and words. And, you know, you see them together on a college campus or some shit. but it's like by the end of the movie she's drank the Kool-Aid just as much as anyone else and she's like fucking do the football do it you did soulfully good for you

you did the football soulfully good this is when we get a ton of nudity in this horny movie because we go to a strip club to stick it to to Kilmer I guess I don't know I think it's like yeah I don't know

I think it's like, boy's not out. Bonding. Paul Walker, like, just got out of the hospital, so they're, like, taking him out. Sort of like, we're still all friends. Yeah. I mean, every waking moment of James Vanderbeek's life is thinking how to fuck over Coach Kilmer. So maybe it does go into it a little bit here. But, like, I was surprised.

I couldn't believe, like, maybe there's some sort of alternate TV cut or something, Chris, because I did not remember the nudity in this movie. This much new. This extreme. There's tons of nudity here. It's quite a lot. it's i mean the whole thing wouldn't you just be like immediately like oh yeah yeah your teacher's going to be up on stage in a minute yeah yeah yeah you know everybody all of us know the teacher's

going to be up on stage in a minute but no it's supposed to be a big surprise you know i will say that like you know we're mentioning the nudity and stuff because it's jarring nowadays but like we should kind of get back a little bit to this maybe meet them half no i don't i don't think it's a bad thing but i think you're right like just like because like shit like this doesn't happen anymore so you're like my god movies had nudity right and yeah what's also it's because it's like it's a it's a high school set movie which i mean those like teen sex comedies kind of went by the wayside and you would always have like thrillers or whatever with with nudity but now the like whatever thrillers do get made now you know don't yeah

so it just seems weird to go back and watch an old like this was kind of a late era for the like teen sex comedy but that's this does feel a little late, yeah. American pie, of course, which is the same year. Yeah, this is, same year. The age of DVD had a ton of nudity, I feel like, the classic, like early 90s, late, early aught, like, late 90s early aughts had like, yeah, just, just, just nudity scenes for no reason, just so you'd buy the DVD and

buy the unrated cut. Like, it was all like girls gone wild-esque kind of shit. You know what I mean? You're right, you're right. It's just interesting to see what has changed, like, oh yes Obama banned or something we've gone too far the other way for sure like I think that there would some nudity would be like you know substantial nudity in so far

as like it matters as opposed to just some character takes their top off but yes well this at least you're in a fucking strip club it totally makes sense to have nudity right sure what now I guess what happened is no one wants to do R rated movies anymore and everyone in the film industry is the son of someone

in the film industry so they can't have a they can't take risk. Yeah, and sex, they, they just don't know. Also, they don't, everything's sexless now. Like, yeah. None of the, the Avengers do not fuck for store. Right, because it's, right, right.

Because now everything is just for kids. This is supposed to be for kids who are about to become, you know, adult. Adults, like 17, 18, you know, like, it's weird. I got to say it's very weird that like the two choices on nudity they make is strip club. That makes sense. It could have been in the background and not such like, here's the show fellas. Right. But the other one, it's weird that the other nudity is the sophomore girl in the front.

It's a little weird that they're like, this is a sophomore and you saw her boobies. It's for the dads. It's for the dads, my friend. This is a good point because it's just like adult nudity seems to make no sense. Sure. I agree. I'm very into adult nudity. here's one thing

I'll put that on your fucking tombstone Steve Sadek I'm very into adult dude I don't care Here's the thing Football star or no Billy Bob is getting arrested At the strip club

Oh for sure You do not get up on stage You do not touch those women Like and the bouncer that comes out Like all right Bill You see the ponytail on this guy That guy doesn't give a flying fuck about high school football Maybe it's implied that this whole football team

Will fucking murder every single person in here if we don't let them do what they want. I feel like arrested is one thing, but this kid would be beaten within an inch of his life. That's what you, if you fuck around in a strip club like that, dude. That's actually true. Like, we're not going to call the cops, but we're going to hit

you with a bunch of pipes out behind the dumps. You bleed to death on the sidewalk outside. Yeah, you should have gotten an arrest. Dude, he's, he's like, he's like, it's a strip club, man, I'm striping. I'm working to night. It's like, no, sir. You know what?

you're not getting on the stage. You're certainly not touching this woman. And just come this way. I'm going to show you my collection of fucking metal baseball bets. Yeah, why did it? It's totally wild. Why didn't they just cast a wrestler to be the bouncer and like take Billy Bob out by the scruff of the neck or the scruff of the skin, I guess, since it's shirtless in this.

Yeah, dude. I mean, no stranger to stripper movies. Get fucking Kevin Nash. Get that guy in there. He fucking chokeslams him or something. Well, maybe not choke slams. He does something to him. Yeah.

yeah he suffers through a line of dialogue and he's off coach coach kilmer has to inject shit in his neck definitely but so the next day that they really hung over and they blow the game against shittington yet again uh the the whole stripper the teacher stripping oh yes i just want to mention hot for teacher pretty on the nose and it's like is that diagetic sound or non diagetic sound because they're like oh shit it's the teacher but the teacher it's the teacher one's stripped to that if she was trying to hide that she's... No, but she comes up with a chalkboard, dude. Like, that's her act.

It's the theme. She's the stripping teacher who is also a stripping teacher. Like, that's, which is insane. That's how you lose your job. Eric, to answer your question about what's going on in the digesis here, it's definitely dietic sound because at one point, I don't remember which actor,

but one of the guys sitting at the table is singing along to it. And he is in, like, his mouth is clearly in sync. with the lyric so like yeah okay no that makes total sense it just feels like that song is for us to know who she is oh yeah yeah it's definitely that and it serves both ways i like let me tell you hot for teacher has played at every strip club in the united states of america there's no doubt in my mind that's not but that's not nearly as bad as a goof up as thunder so if i was hung

over a shit and it was forced to play a football game the the thing that expressed my emotions would not be ACDC's house rocking thunds are struck it would be one of the scratch your recordings from a Daniel Johnston tape like just absolutely just barely audible mostly annoying

yeah it would be off Michael Hurley's fucking armchair rock or whatever because it would just be like some old whistling noise that just makes you feel very very uncomfortable man

but this montage of them just getting the shit kicked out of them is pretty great. If only because it's more John Boyd getting furious. Love it. Love seeing this guy have his fucking shit rain down on. Half of this movie, so like he rips into the team

afterwards. He is having 20 to 2 by the way. He's having fun yelling at this heavy kid. For sure that's part of it. Like John Boyd is an actor, John Void is a person. Yeah. Yep. He's loving it. He's taking it in. He loved yelling at this guy.

Absolutely. Also, here's the thing that I want to know about. I want to know where the fucking snitch is here. Is it one of these guys? Is it the teacher? Because somehow John Voight knows about the strip club and that's infuriating. He hopes last night was fun. I mean, he could probably tell they're hung over. He could probably smell it. But also, but it's also possible. No, he says something about the strip club. Oh, really? Oh, does it? Maybe he was there. Oh man he's in the back Dude that'll be great It's like I've been following you boys The whole time And then it's like fucking flashbacks And he's just everywhere Just sipping whiskey behind him

He's at the convenience store He's at all the house parties It's like the It Follows ghost But it's John Voight Man I would rather invite the It Follows ghost Over to my house for dinner than John Voight Oh yeah

More considerate It follows to be much more considerate Kill me quick Definitely but they're still in the big championship game so that's good news uh they're just oh this is the part so he yells at billy bob and he's like if it wasn't for you you know paul walker would still be playing which obviously is shitty because obviously it's john foy's fault and you ruined my perfect season he says to him you know and back at home uh we have the i don't want your laugh scene which is great fantastic absolutely the dad doesn't even have much to say about he's like whatever he's doing that he's doing the same thing he's like okay we have to go over the plans of the game. And I'm like, what, what are the plans that have to go over? Are you going to tell him when you're going to move from Budweiser to Bush in the stands?

What is the plan? Well, because that's a great point, because isn't the start of this, James Vanderbeek finds out he was accepted to Brown? Yes. He gets a full, a full scholarship to Brown. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, the mom is excited. The little, the little brother's excited.

You know, Vanderbeek's excited And the dad is just like Well, uh, Mox, you know, yeah, Brown's really great and all But we really got to concentrate on the strategy for tonight And you're totally right. It's like, what is your strategy? And this is like, again, you're such a fucking loser, sir.

Like, there's no strategy for you. Your ass is sitting in the stands with everybody else. You have no strategy. You also, from what we're told, we're a very shitty football player. So why should he take your advice anyway? Well, why don't we, why don't we go from Schlitz to Bush to not? Maybe save some money for you for a congratulated dinner for Brown.

Don't, don't hate me, son. Please don't hate me. Hey, is Brown anywhere near Shittington, son? Are you going to a Shittington college? You better not be going to shit. I will not have a Shittingtoner in my family. Do you understand me, boy? What was wrong with What university?

but the kid, little kid with all his funny religious bullshit comes in with the pig and he's like, oh cool, Billy Bob gave me his pig and James Vanderbik's like, well, that's not right, you know, it's like, well, it's also fucking terrible because the kid's like, oh yeah, you know, he said for you to have the pig because, you know, we'd know how to best take care of it. And it's like, oh man, the only way Billy Bob would be given up this pig as if he was planning on committing suicide tonight. Better go to the football field. Also, Billy Bob's been bringing these fucking pigs to parties. So we're on pig number 16 or 17. That's, you know what? That's a great detail. They leave out.

Which number pig is this? Well, because he's doing, he's doing the thing where he's given the pig beer. And I don't know. Guys, I don't know. Scott Khan is fucking it at least once. Maybe one. He and Billy Bob split a case of malt liquor. I mean, no, I, like, Billy Bob would feed this thing bacon, like, really would do shit like that. I just know. I just know that's so fucked off. That pig is going to be a fucking witness at Scott Kahn's trial, man. He's going to be part of the documentary true. He saw his, sir.

Mr. Wigglesworth, can you please now point in the direction of the man who slaughtered those young women? The tail straight. Let the record. Let the record. that the tail straightened in the direction of our two defendants? Now, Mr. Oinksworth, have you ever met a man named Jaw Rule? He

apparently had some hand in all of this. Yeah, Act 1, the pig that saw it all, I read glass. What they don't tell you is that the pig was far too drunk to remember anything that night. Buy a tote bag. The pig was far too.

drunk to get behind the wheel of that truck. There's no way, there's no way, ladies and gentlemen, the pig was driving that truck that killed those girls. The pig cell phone records don't make sense with the towers that it hit. It just opens. They don't breed pigs in Coyote Town.

They have to bring them in from Waven, but pigs do come in and one became the pet of a very, very disturbed young man. Last fall, I took a trip to Shittington and I have to say the town is just as bad

as they make it out to me it really lives up to its name new serial spinoff Essington oh yeah is that is that by the way is that first podcast ever

cereal is that still around are they still doing season they haven't done they've done like little spin-offy stuff but they haven't done a proper season in years and what season are we at boys

12. That's right. That's right. But the bus route that Billy Bob said he was on only goes through Poop's Falls. And may I remind you, ladies and gentlemen, there is no best buy in Poop's Falls. But, you know, so Bill, it's a pretty emotional scene. I think that this is the, it's the saddest scene of the movie. This got me. And he does a good job. What's this actor's Damocke? lose it. Keep going on in Billy Bob. Yeah. RIPD. Yeah, he did pass away. His name was Ron Lester. Yes. And he does, you know, and it's sad because it's like, you know, he's just like,

I want to win, but I can't. I feel so bad about all this stuff. He's shooting all these trophies and shit. Like, it's like, it's sad because he's, he's turning his back on that life of his. And it's also sad that he had them to begin with. Yes. And also, you know, he's like, this is most improved player at lineman camp. this is the championship when we were nine. Do you remember that when we were playing peewee football and Vanderbeek's

like, yeah, that's when it's fun. I mean, I think this movie, you know, for all its flaws, and there's plenty of them. The movie does a good job at addressing like the stresses put on like high school athletes, I think in a way, like especially in this fucking Texas football culture. My goodness gracious.

And, you know, not, not for nothing though. Of course he's got a gun. No problem, dude. Shotgun wherever you need it. How old are you? You're going to shotgun on the shit out of that fucking football field is what he's doing. Oh man, I sold a gun to one of my precious baby fucking athletes today. I am so

proud of myself. Oh, my God, I got to go to the hardware store. Get me one of them plaques that says I sold a gun to Billy Bob. I kind of like the idea of like just like the way that a mocks like was trying to buy a soda and got like a six pack of beer instead. Like he tries

to buy a mop and they hand him a gun. That's just I was just trying to clean my house. but this guy wants me to commit suicide. You clean it with a gun. Are you stupid? Come on. He talks him down and it's a nice scene. Because the other part of it too is like the fucking shit that Voigt

rammed into his head in the locker room is still playing in his head when he's like, you know, I fucking I let the team down. I let Paul Walker down, blah, blah, blah. And then Vanderbeek, you know, he's like, I was supposed to protect him, blah, blah, blah. And then Van der Beak is like, well, now I'm the quarterback and I need you. to protect me. You know, it's a, it's a truly nice moment. It is, but that, that, that cuts to go ahead. No, but then the next day, like, Billy Bob's got the pig back and he's like,

I'm back, baby. And it's like, nah, dude, you need to talk to somebody like pretty regularly for a little while. I talk. It's not even, I mean, sure, that like, yeah, all these characters fucking reset like cartoon characters. Exactly. Absolutely. You're absolutely right. You were nine hours away from taking your own life, FYI. Absolutely, but here's the thing. It's not, it would be one thing if, like, the movie went from that scene directly to,

which is what you're talking about, Steve and Billy Bob, it's like, hey, I got the cat scan, and I'm fine, I don't have a brain bleed, and whatever. That's one thing. But this movie has this big emotional scene. It's the most successfully dramatic scene in the movie. And then it cuts, like, you get fucking whiplash because the

next scene is the Little Brother Start in the cult. Oh, right. Yes, exactly. And it's just like, what are you fucking doing? It's like cutesy poo. And it's like, no, dude, we just, we just had an emotional scene. And the movie's almost over. Yep, totally. There was a pseudo-suicide attempt almost, like total emotional breakdown.

And now it's like, oh, look, hon, he created a cult. You weren't emotionally moved by this? This was so good. Like a kid alienated from his family, his loser father and drunkard mother. And then he just, he finds his followers, okay? come on let's give the kid some some credit here what's wild too is that's a long line of boys that this kid is fucking holding in the house man you want to talk about another another fucking documentary pretty soon definitely dude i found them all at the bus station

they're calling it what was great apocalypse what was great about making this documentary series was that it was in the same town so i already knew the best place to stay and eat. Kidpocalypse and HBO Max original. Dude, I would watch every episode of Kidpocalypse. The still is just like

those like two little baby shoes and you're like, what happened? Wow, you see the poster for Kidpocalypse? This is two little baby shoes? Wow. What happened? Great, Mark. HBO has done it again. The real water cooler show Kidpocalypse.

They haven't even gotten to the baby shoes yet. And we're on episode three. But, you know, so like the, the idea is like, it's the big game. It's the big fucking game. And Kilmer is putting pressure on them. He says it's 48 minutes for the next 48 years of your life. Which is like, hey, you know, like not only if, only if you want to live like Al Bundy. Exactly.

And they do okay. they do okay in the first half but they're still behind and you know that's not good enough for Coach Kilmer so he's giving them a bunch of shit and this is when oh and in the

the Wendell gets the big touchdown but then also sprains his ankle or some such or shit he gets like a cramp or something so he's going to go into the locker room

and he's about to get the shot as they're saying and this is what everybody turns on him and Paul Walker shows up and also is like you ruin my life it's fucking great this scene of all these guys turning on him

this fucking football team mutiny is so awesome and I really love like fucking Sean Voight tries to strangle James Vanderpick in the locker room dude it is fucking hilarious was it just before this when he's like you know I could mess with your transcripts

goodbye to the round because that's it's a little bit it's before the game and he's like he basically says like he's reminding him again that they're a running team. We're not going to throw this football. And if you do, I will ruin your life. I mean, you can't. So, like, Brown University

is like, well, this shit he'll, uh, fucking, uh, whatever football coach said that he didn't graduate. So I guess he didn't graduate. It wouldn't matter. It's an empty threat. It's a totally empty threat. But they make him like too much. Like, at this

point, you should be Gaddafiing him. Like, honestly. Yeah. Honestly, like he's so villainous at this. point and everybody hates him it's great because it's just like John Voight in real life yeah oh yeah I mean I guess that's the one good thing about having John

Voight like Angelina Jolie must have this beautiful super cut of all of these scenes of her fucking dad getting his comeuppance like absolutely I mean he's always that character and then like you have all Ray Donovan where he's just getting the shit beat out of him all the time oh is that right oh yeah oh yeah he's just

a total old scumbag in it it's wonderful. Why have a therapist if you could just watch your dad get the shit kicked out of him. Like, why bother it? On tap. Totally. You have that shit on tap. You got the, you go watch the Aliconda scene over and over again. Totally. You just fucking put

this DVD on on Christmas Eve and masturbate for hours. So what happens next right is like Amy Smart's like you're a whiner, Max. Be a hero. And then Knox is like, Heroes win. what what what what if I lose yeah and this is yeah but this is when the mutiny happens and he tries to choke

out James Vanderbik really funny scene and basically uh vanderbik's like the only way we're going back out there is if you don't come out with us and it's like uh void is like no way I have control this team he goes out to the the whatever the hallway and no one follows him and that's what he realized he's lost and you know this is so great because he fucking walks out of this locker room like nothing's wrong and he's clapping like, hey, here we go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

And dude, that door closes behind him and he has that realization. Like, it's a great shot right here if this dude realizing his life's over. Oh, I love it. I had to pause it. I don't know if his life is over. Just be like, oh, you know what?

Sorry, I missed the second half of the game, folks. I had diarrhea. But we won a championship, so another one for me. Congratulations. He could grin and bear at the end voiceover says he never coaches again. I mean, he could at least go to Shittington

and coached. Exactly. No, he would rather die than coach Shittington, dude. That die he does eventually, I guess. Vanderbeek gives like a pretty decent, like, rousing speech instead, you know, I say

fuck that, which is a kind of great line. And, you know, let's be heroes is what he said. These dudes are fucking amped up. And then in comes the absolute big mystery of this movie and I'll just put it out there we can figure out what's going on here

but Steve why is there not a single assistant coach that is an excellent you see one earlier like I think like when he's not giving the right plays or whatever also I'm curious yes where does John Void's headset go because it doesn't go to James Vanderbeak

I really could Paul Walker's wearing it oh okay yeah Paul Walker's got one on there but again Paul Walker's learning to coach the team so no I mean like who's who is he talking to on the other who is anyone that's the question just listen to the radio oh my god oh my god i think maybe paul walker has a concussion that fucking headset's not even plugged in who's he talking to like what um but yeah like there's yeah you're right no assistant

there's no coaching staff yeah i mean it is kind of nice if only because yeah we're told that paul walker you know from that moment got into like he really realized he could coach and like, you know, totally kept his life going being a coach. It's really great. But like, you have multiple coaches on a football. Like when I played football, it was, you know, nowhere near, you know, where we grow up, it was like it was big, but it's not Texas football big. And we had a very large coaching staff.

Like, sure. These motherfuckers down there have a mass, you know, like probably to rival NFL teams or college teams in a lot of cases. Offensive coordinators, all sorts of people. Special teams coaches, where the fuck is that guy? You know, like all of this. They just all vanish. And like the kid powerness of this movie comes in here hard.

And the kids are just coaching the team. Oh, uh, coach Kilmer. Could you, uh, yeah, your offensive line is very, very, uh, impressive. Could you tell us, uh, who, uh, is in your defensive teams? And who is your assistant? Oh, yeah, uh, I hired ghosts. They're all ghosts. You can't see them.

None of them. I don't think. Offense is what wins games, you see? So the other stuff ain't that important. No, I'm not talking to anybody. I'm talking to my dead wife on my headset is what I'm doing. Yeah, me and Nina. Offensive wins games.

Like, fuck shit. Damn it. Nina, Nina, do you want them to block? Okay, Nina says, we're going to block. We're going to block. Yeah, yeah, block it. My dead wife says, get out there and block the pun. Dude, there is a, my dad.

My dead wife says we want to do a wheel route. Wheel route says my dead wife. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. My dead wife says let's go Shittington. Yep. Inside this headphones, I got a broken up widget board. Just all inside.

David, quit joking with me about Shittington. Now quit pretending to be my dead wife. Get on out of there, David. So my Ouija board friend David lives in my headset, too. Doesn't know shit about football Because he died in 1867 I guess yeah I should introduce Nina and David

Nina David We're going to be working together That's the whole staff Ghost party Hanging on my headset right now It's fucking great Also massive LOL to the cut of John Voight In his office packing up his shit

Yeah It's fucking great And he looks You know what This movie is so big anyway. Have him hang himself in the office. Absolutely. Absolutely. We're not pulling punches anywhere else. Let's let's go for it.

And you're yourself off your statue's hand. Oh, yeah. Totally. Do we mention the big winning move, right? They get Billy Bob in and Scott Kahn and what Billy Bob like just smashes people and then Scott Kahn just like hits the ball down. yeah they block the punt yeah okay tell me the technical terms please well no what so what they're doing here Eric is and it's you know it's a tough situation there's a few precious seconds left in the game and the team who is currently in the lead by less than a touchdown is about to punt the ball away and so the what are they the fucking cougars or the coyotes is the main team the coyotes thank you

the coyotes will then have a chance to like catch the ball and return it down, but odds are they will be tackled much farther away than if they can block the punt. And so they're in their scoring range already. It's very hard to block puns. But this is what happens. Billy Bob is like, I'm going to block this. Don't worry about it. Coach Paul Walker. They block the punt. And it sets the team up to be in striking distance of their own end zone to score. So very hard move, but they pull it off here. And again, this is a great like the clock's running out. They do a pass at one point.

And he's like, God damn it, Scott Khan, you got to get out of bounds to stop the clock. He doesn't. He gets tackled and stays in bounds, so the clock is still running. This is where he fucking tosses the football

against that cowboy's head and knocks him off the horse. And all I could think about was that itchy and scratchy land joke where the guy's just like, all I wanted to do was entertain. In the fucking scratchy suit or whatever. I mean,

there's one thing to hit a mascot in the face. It's pretty bad to do that. knocking somebody off a horse that dude could be paralyzed exactly absolutely he could be stomped he kind of just gets up you see him you see him dust off his cowboy hat like stupid son of a bitch if you weren't a goddamn texas high school football star i'd kill you because i respect you because of the sanctity of football sir also though you're doing this like to the opposing teams like mascot guy there'd be a fucking riot oh absolutely the conference championship game oh yeah those people would start going ape shit.

Yeah, it's Mox's big, like, Toronto foot moment. And just in the background, you see the cowboy coming behind him with, like, about to strangle him. Razor wire. Or piano wire. But then, yeah, the big play that they do to win the game is this, like, trick play that James Vanderbeek

has been trying to, like, have them practice when they're in practice. And John Voight, like, keeps, we're not doing any of that silly shit. We're a running team. blah blah blah and you know it's it's a scotch mighty ducks or whatever but it's you know james vanderbeak tosses it to scott con i think it's scott con or maybe some other guy and then scott con does a a lateral pass back to billy bob and we've set this up because he's never caught it before the place never worked and of course it works uh yeah this movie's kind of like muddy ducks with titties i think is the idea yeah that's how was pitched action yeah right i got a new movie

coming out for you. I want this. Here's a script I wrote. It's like Mighty Ducks, but with Tiddies. Here's two million dollars. Yeah, yeah. They play hockey in Texas, right? Yeah, yeah, right? They do that. It's a big. A lot of stars. Big, big hockey team

town, isn't it? Yeah, that Texas. Yeah, but you know, this Billy Bob winning this. It's always, it's cool seeing a linemen have a victory like this. Never in these movies. Does the lineman get to win the game because linemen don't traditionally score points or anything. So like kind of neat. I don't know.

I was a lineman, so I guess that's why I kind of connect to it. Fair enough. And this is the fucking funny thing of like Billy Bob's got like four of these kids on his back and he's still just fucking crawling down the field. They don't, you know, they don't get him down until, you know, he's in the end zone. But it is hilarious watching this guy carry like three different dudes on his back at the same time. The trick is to try to try to pull his pants off. Because that'll distract him. Try to do that while I'm doing it.

It's what you did do to King Hippo and punch out. Dude, his pants fell down. He got all embarrassed about it and then he let his guard down. He's got their band-aid over his belly button. You've got to hit it. What was the deal with that? What was going on there? But were his guts going to fall out of his body if he took that off?

He just had a belly button ring that he just didn't want to show people. Oh, sure. You don't want to get ripped out in combat. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, got it. Let's keep it safe, but he liked the party on the weekends. Definitely. And then there's just the standby me ending and that's fine.

You know what I mean? Which is not even, it's like, oh, you know, Billy Bob cried because he's a bit of a crier and, you know, tweet or drank because she's a bit of a drink. No, I want to know what happens to these people. Like, where does Billy Bob end up? Then I wrote the Mason book Friday Night Lines, which. Yeah, but I feel like if you did that, though, Steve. like realistically

it was like Billy Bob works at the bait and tackle oh Twitter he's a bartender sometimes but he's also over here at the hardware store yeah it would just all be like yeah because they all you know that's the kind of the really the sad ending right as if James Vanderbyke were

to be like well me and Amy Smart got away to Brown but everybody else they're still there and they all hate themselves and their lives and their kids and you know what everybody the vicious cycle continues thanks for reading bye bye I wrote the book Satan's Playground about tweeters' adventures

and latter arrest. Yeah, you could be realistic. It would need more of an animal house like ending. Like, yeah, a tweeter is now under indictment senator for the great state of Texas. Billy Bob opened a pig rescue sanctuary

or something. One of them has to get the he died in Afghanistan shot by his own troops or whatever. Oh, I totally get the need of mine, dude. We didn't see that. Here's one thing that should have happened and it doesn't and it pisses me off because all you get is the shot of John Voight walking down, you know, to his car, like with the box in his hand from the office and the big statue right there. And this is where James Vanderbeek is like, oh, yeah, you know, Kilmer never coached again. You need to see these kids pulling that statue down like it was the statue of Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, exactly. Like, that thing needs to be pulled down. Someone puts a fucking rope or a chain around its neck, ties it to the back of Billy Bob's pickup truck, and they pull that statue right down. Fuck that guy. God damn. Fuck him.

Fuck you, Coach Kilmer. Piece of shit. And the last line of this movie is so terrible, and it's almost like a goddamn commercial for the admissions department. And because Vanderbeek is like, and me, well, I'm a graduate from Brown University. I know, good grad.

Lauddy fucking da dude Congratulations yeah totally like it's just a really we need the animal house ending you guys are totally right I knew yeah I graduated from Brown I got a master's in reading

I'm a big reader now professional reader that's what I do for a living I had a former boss that was a Brown graduate total piece of shit total asses that sounds right I'm sure there are people who aren't pieces of shit from Brown, just to be clear, but I don't know.

The whole Ivy League, you can shove it. There's a good friend of mine who went to Brown and she's all right. I'm sure. Eric, Eric just really wants to bring back college boy. What's college boy? Yeah. As an insult. Calling someone college boy.

Oh, yeah, totally, yeah. Yeah, you're just mad that all four of us went to a state school. That's just, you know, it's fine. irreversibly changed my life forever It would be better or worse Then I went to Shoney purchase And then I had somehow still a lot of debt I don't know how that worked out

But Oh well because he was out of state dude They fuck those kids the worst Man But that's the end of the motion picture Final thoughts and recommendations Steve Sadek we'll start with you I would not recommend this movie

I think it just It doesn't age terribly well I also think that like it's just kind of a pat sports movie you're probably better off watching Friday Night Lights or you know the TV show either the movie or the TV show to get what this is trying to do

and it's just sort of like a mess tonally like it just scene after scene just kind of doesn't add up to much of anything at all so fun soundtrack although I will say speaking of soundtracks they play a hero by food fighters twice in this movie and that's a crime you got you got to pick your spots folks

one one spur movie it definitely you know lessens the effect the second time around exactly yeah Chris Cabin

yeah I'm I guess I have to do a light recommend because I did watch it a bunch when I was younger but it's not very good coming back to it it's not very good

I also I'm not sure if James Vanderbeek works as a lead in a movie no I don't know if that I like him that's the thing is I like him quite a bit and I think he has

a presence not presents Eric but he just never it never really paid off in the movies it paid off pretty well on TV for a while but yeah I don't know it just this movie made me feel very bleh

that's interesting I could see like maybe swapping Walker and Vanderby can see what that is yeah that might be it so yeah I'm I'm gonna echo what Steve said I'm not going to recommend it I understand why people may like it

this first time for me so it's a little weird but the tonal stuff and yeah Vanderbeek maybe is not up to snuff and um but I you know what I get it I get I get it and I don't get it so take that for what you will yeah you know it's a light recommend for me

you know I this movie came out while I was playing high school football so it was on a lot at various engagements and whatnot And, like, yeah, looking back on it, it's not a great movie. I mean, if you haven't seen it, you're going to know whether or not you'll be able to tolerate it just from this conversation. So, like, you know, check it out if you think you would enjoy it. And, you know, if you don't, and especially if you don't care about football and whatever, like, definitely don't bother watching it because it's talked about in literally every scene of the movie.

Indeed. But that's it. That is Varsity Blues from 1999, directed by Chud 2, Bud the Chud Legend, Brian Robbins. If you want more We Hate Movies, of course, check out the Patreon, which is Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. We've got a lot going on there this month, including a We Love Movies episode

on the Christopher Nolan film Memento. Ooh, the breakout hit. It's a good one, folks. That's right. We got that going on. And then we have, you know, and we're recording this in advance, so I don't know what's out when.

But, safe to say, pretty big guy coming up on the Gleap Glossary this month. That's right. Pretty big. pretty handsy, maybe sort of like Tweeter was in this movie. Of course, yes, I'm talking about General Grievous. Uh, the robot

man who had a lot of hands and lightsabers and said stuff and attack of the clones. We will be discussing the life and times of General Grievous on our Patreon. Mm-hmm. There you go. A pound puppies on animation damnation. That's going to be

exciting. Featuring Mr. Ernie Hudson. So there's something there. Yeah. A little synergy On your podcast Pound Puppies On your podcast Pound Puppies on your podcast

Pound Puppie podcast That's extraordinary So until next week with I just want to say pound puppies But what are we talking about actually Steve? Oh we're actually talking about that all over But that's all the Patreon stuff

God damn I love Ernie Hudson so much But here on the Feed. We Hate Movies Season 12 rolls on. What's going on next week, Steve? It's been an oft talked about episode. It's going to finally, film, anyway, it's going to finally be an episode Single White Female with a guest

Jordane Searles coming back to the show. There we go. It's been a long time since we've had her on. It was back of the Pirates Days of Quarindee. You are indeed. And if I recall, I'm thinking of the right movie here, Tobos, spectacular death in this film. I believe, no, I don't know if he died.

But he's not a nice guy, I'll tell you that much. I could have sworn he got murdered in this one. No, I think you're thinking that Stephen Weber, my friend. Oh, geez, I think you know what? I think you're totally right. But you know what? This is going to be a great when you watch. So until next week with single white female, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Just Gavin. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.