We Hate Movies - S12 Ep573: Stay Alive

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

On this week's episode, the 2021 Halloween Spooktacular continues as the guys chat about the totally stupid video game-centric horror film, Stay Alive! Who on Earth thought these character names were clever? Were Milo's roommates having "Slipknot Sex"? And where is all the cocaine for these kids? PLUS: If you die in the game, do you die for real? Stay Alive stars Jon Foster, Samaire Armstrong, Frankie Muniz, Jimmi Simpson, Milo Ventimiglia, Adam Goldberg, Sophia Bush, and a totally underused Wendell Pierce; directed by William Brent Bell. Catch WHM on tour starting this week! New Chicago date added! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, one of the most forgettable films I've seen in a long time. It's Stay Alive. I'm Andrew Jupin. Haunted Game Genie Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween.

I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes, dead is murder. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the wicker man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks.

He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. More creative! Put the fucking lotion in the bad. What an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. The 2021 Halloween's spectacular rolls on to a movie that up until I turned it on, I had been consistently forgetting the title for like two weeks. It's Stay Alive from 2006 directed. By William Brent Bell, you may know him as the director of The Devil Inside, The Boy, the Boy, too, and the upcoming orphan, colon, first kill. Steve's favorite director, shit. I got to tell you, man, I had a little bit of fun last night, you know what? What the flying? I had a little bit of fun last night.

I didn't love it. I'm not a big, here's the thing, sometimes you need to, you need to, like, order a really shitty chicken parm hero when no one's looking at an eating. eat it in the bathroom. You have to do that. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do it. Sometimes you will.

Yeah, or, I mean, like, if you want the Andrew equivalent, like, ordered Taco Bell at 11.30 at night when your wife's asleep and then throw it down the garbage shoot. But it's not even that. It's boiled chicken with ketchup on white bread. That's what you ordered. Can I ask you, were you having a good time last night because you knew the three of us were also watching this and you were just cackling to yourself? I just, it's. It's horrible.

You like this. You actually like this. You know, we do a bad movie podcast, you see. The movies aren't supposed to be good. And I enjoy. But you found a good one. You found a good one. And the boy, to be fair, I like the boy quite a bit.

It's really stupid. The boy too is intolerable. Just an FYI, I want to come out against the boy too. You'll be there, though, once the pre-sales go on for this fucking orphan. Oh, my God. and revenge, whatever it is? Absolutely. First kill, but is that a prequel then? I don't, that's a good point. I think it is. It has to be like 47 years old. I think it is a prequel. Yeah. Steve is a boy lover. But when two boys are involved, no, they might talk then.

Yeah, that's exactly correct. Please, the boy lover. The boy lover. I love the boy. Well, Steve, since this was your pick, do you want to quickly boil down what this insufferable motion picture is? Well, I mean, it asks the eternal question is what if you died it for real if you died in the video game sure yeah I think since like the days of Pong yeah exactly I'm wondering I think we've been referencing

that for years and I've never even seen this movie so now this is the movie right this is finally you die in the game you die for real did they say it in the movie I don't think they don't say it it's the way we've been saying no it's a poster they dance around it though they dance around it because I think it's a I watched the trailer last night because I was like

he didn't say it And then in the trailer, he does say it. He does say, you die in the game, you die for real. Let me ask you this, Steve. I didn't watch that trailer, but I want to make maybe a prediction here. Whatever there, you know, whatever text is in the trailer for this motion picture, is it the same font as you wouldn't steal a police car? Because it seems like it's that kind of a trailer.

It was, the trailer is amazing because it's like, it's, it actually takes you through the whole beginning of the movie. And it's just like, there are 100 million gamers in America. Oh, boy. One and four is addicted. And I was like, what are you talking about one and four? Oh, man. Wait a second. So is this like a message movie?

I guess so. This film is, long story short, is a horror video game that kills you when you actually die in the game. And this guy and all of his dead-faced friends need to figure out how to survive and stay alive. That's right. Yes, indeed. Now, there's a lot of dead faces here. we got Frankie Munes, who I have to say,

we have a lot of fun with Frankie Munoz on the show. He's riding his race cars around Arizona or whatever he does nowadays. Good for him. I think it's a micromachine set. I think we established that. He's out his little me on orange track doing loop to loops. He's also like miserable. If you ever look at his Twitter,

like he just is like so self-pitying and like, oh, oh, they put, they got, they gave me a small machiato instead of a lot. Fuck my life. Oh, man. He does shit like that all the time. A Miserab Twitter follow? No, thank you. No, absolutely not. That's a mute or an unfollow at worst. But I have to say, this movie at least reminded me like, he is charismatic enough.

He was so watchable on that sitcom. He's the best in this movie, probably. Yeah. And then you got Sophia Bush. Swink. I don't know what that is. It's a metallic swink. I was afraid to Google Swink.

I was like, all right, guys. Maybe it's like a surly twink. If you're known as the boy lover, yeah, you can't be Googling. First of all, I am not known as that. And I would like to not be known as that. Well, we know you as that. The movie's called what? The boy.

There you go. Note to self, update Steve's Wikipedia page without him knowing. But yeah, so, and then, yeah, Sophia Bush, she's somebody. She's, she's on that Chicago PD show, which I, that's what I only know her from because it crosses over with SVU sometimes and I've seen that. She's encased in, like, CBS Amber. She's been in, like, TV forever. Like, just hopping around to different stations.

But she's not related to the evil political dynasty. I don't believe so. Okay. I hope not. You never know. You got Jimmy Simpson, always sunnies and other things. Westworld. West world.

I actually, I like him in things, but not this. Not this. He's insufferable in this movie. I mean, like, it's the character. It's not his fault. It's supposed to be the annoying character But also like Important thing to mention

I think up front This movie is PG-13 And it was distributed by Buena Vista Which indeed is the mouse for folks Not in the Know This is Disney's like only slasher movie Fascinating That's why there's shit like

There's no sex in this movie The violence not really there Gore-wise And also most importantly Jimmy Simpson's character is not doing cocaine In this movie Phineas Jimmy Simpson's Phineas

Or Finn the names in this movie. There is, you can tell that they didn't want to show any more. There's this one scene very early. Milo Ventimiglia in glasses. He's the Drew Barrymore of the motion. They do is she's all that with

my old ventimiglii. They make them, try to make them a little less attractive by putting glasses on him. Does the opposite effect, by the way. He kind of looks hot. I'll be honest. But he comes back to find his roommate and his girlfriend dead. And like, they literally have to like, okay, I'll give you

second of blood. And like they showed the scene of what happened for literally one second and then they go right off. To be fair though, they do also they show them fucking and he's fucking you're in a pig mask? Is this a slip-knots sex? Dude, slip sex.

Hey, we can't forget. I want to fuck, I want to come during the crescendo of weight and bleed. Here we go. Okay, now we can go. See, that's why I just made a orgasm sound because I couldn't tell you what a slip-knot song sounds like. I've never heard one. I could tell you.

Garbage. Chris and I can have a little slip-knock care. It's the sound of a garbage truck falling off the Empire State River. Close. Very close. Including the wind sound before the crash. Now hang on a second though because we're getting too far away from it. We got to keep track of

everything. We have fucking Phineas. We have Swink. Sophia Bush's character is welcome to the season, I guess. October. Yes, indeed. What the fuck? Every time someone has to say it as a name, I feel like they're like,

October. Like, it does not roll off the tongue. I think the worst name is Milo Vintem, which is Loomis Crowley. Oh, that sucks. I'm going to do a little elister nod there. And you got Samir on Armstrong, the O.C's Samar Armstrong. Oh, okay. I didn't recognize her.

As nobody. as nobody. She's like sexy gamer girl and like in the O.C. But she's not the gamer girl. She's the one that I guess kind of we're supposed to watch the movie a little through her lens because she's the non- gaming. Sexy secretly homeless

girl. I guess. Dude, then I have power over her. Oh boy. You want to eat tonight? That's where Hutch is going towards the end of this. Oh yeah. Hutch. Hutch. Our main character Hutch. It's like Ben Foster

Jr., by the way. Fuck this kid. Ben Foster's, yeah, his little brother. Wow, but these have to be like nicknames. These can't be real names. Yeah, I don't. I would hope so. Cocaine names. This is what these are. At least with that first final destination movie, I think, into, it kind of trails off, but all of the sequels kind of have them here and there, too. It's all the, the shit about, like, they're named after directors or whatever. Yes. Like, Sean William Scott's character is Billy Hitchcock. Sure. So, like, there's something, you're not just calling him Hitch. I mean, like, it's always, that stuff

always hits my ear so, it just makes me, it just makes you flinch. Because it's tippity tap, zap-a-zap screenplay names, and it's obnoxious, because this is a movie, much like, I think the first time we ever encountered this was in our Chud commentary where everyone is saying, Bosch all the time.

Yes. And Murph and whatever else. There, every sentence is like, October, do this. Hutch, where are you? Like, the personal address like that? Yeah. Well, because there's so many characters are all interchangeable so you have to do that so you know who you're talking about. And they think because they give them stupid names

like this, they'll, like, you'll remember them? No. I know. I'm sorry. I can't remember any of this shit. I don't remember who any, but they do say the name of the movie at least 8,000 times. It's the game. I did not remember because, you know, off that point, I didn't remember what Adam Goldberg's

name was in this movie. I just looked it up on I am. Miller High Life. Miller Banks. I'm going to name my son Miller. Oh, that's a nod to Agent Cody Banks, another Frankie Muti's kind of a sign. And also Dennis Miller, famed comedian and video game fan.

We'll have to do Agent Cody Banks one of these days. Doesn't he thwart like Paul Giamati? No, that's big fat liar. Boy, we don't answer that at the same time. You guys are some fucking bank's heads over here. Paul Gimani in that movie gets the David Cross, I blew myself from Arrested Development. Like, there's something

about that movie where he's just like a big fat blueberry at the end of it. Oh, fuck, P.G. Now you're just a blueberry. Oh, life is unfair. So what the hell is Agent Cody Banks about? That's like a teen kid. It's like James Bond Jr. essentially. Agent Cody Banks. Save the world. Get the girl. Pass math. Yeah. There it is. And there's a sequel. Hillary Duff.

Yes. Yeah, that's right. It was a big deal. Munez and Duff in the same movie. It's like, you know, directed by Harold Zwart. You know, one day I'm going to be coming to. down that corner, you know, it's going to happen. Isn't Zwart the German word for black? The Schwartz. Oh, I see. Yeah. This guy, the agent Cody Banks

director directed the Karate Kid remake. Oh, shit. Yeah. The Karate Kid remake, and I know we should talk about Stayal. No. It's a great movie. It's always this weird thing. Like, why wasn't there a sequel? Like, not that I wanted it to happen, but like it was super successful. Everybody loved it. Was it?

Wasn't it or wasn't it not? Which movie are we talking about? The Karate Kid 2010. Oh, I thought you were talking about Steyla. By the way, it's two hours and 20 minutes long. I've never seen it, but it just sort of, when that movie came out, it seemed like a hit. I was like, oh, here we go, karate kid part two. I don't know.

Yeah, I'm not sure. Maybe Xi wouldn't allow it. Who? Oh, yeah, you're not going to, yeah, that's true. You get one. You get one. That's it. Jackie Chan, teaching karate.

Yeah. Just seems wrong. long. Yeah. It's pretty stupid. So we start, it's Milo Ventimile. Yeah, he is the Drew Barrymore.

The cold open of this like movie though is really like you're only seeing the video game for a really long time and this is 2006 and these are like sub 2006 video game graphics I feel. Yeah, and it takes the video game to walk you through it a little bit. It takes place

at a very evil residence a resident that Residence has a lot of evil at it. Near a hill that's silent. Yes, they're very close to that the high... Silent Hill 4 is mentioned in this. I don't know if there was a 4. Is that real? I was wondering about that. I never played the first

Silent Hill. That movie is supposed to be good, people say. That's better than most video game adaptations. The Roda Mitchell, Silent Hill. Oh, Roda Mitchell is in it? She's the lead in it. Oh, interesting. I mean, the thing is they do mention Silent 4, but they also mention, and I have a hard time

believe in that in Silent Hill, there is something called a mega blaster. Or a hyperblaster. I was like, no way. I was like that kind of name for a weapon doesn't gel with what I thought that game franchise was, but like, you know, I don't know. But I mean, that's the problem always with when you do a video game movie about a fake video game, you're going to get those like clunkers. And that's what this whole movie is, is those clunkers of like, oh, it's just like that thing you're like, but not exactly. Right. But you couldn't

find one video game nerd to tell you what actually happens in Silent Hill 4? That would be a really good idea. Get the hyperblaster in this creepy game. I mean again though, we could be wrong. It could be a thing. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. There's a hyper blaster. I don't know, but it's very important to point out yes, it's a residence

that's evil, but it's a very specific kind of residence. Indeed, this video game takes place on a southern plantation. Yes, gentlemen. Well, this movie actually was the last movie filmed in New Orleans before Katrina, which is shocking. Press X to bury Mama Gump.

You died on a Sunday. Presser brunch. Press circle to throw rocks at Jenny's old house. Let me stop a thousand tweets. There is a hyperblaster. There is a hyperblaster. Stopping some tweets.

Okay. Congratulations. Everything. Okay. Look at game FACQs can't aim the hyperblaster. And now the hyperblaster's got some problems. Hyperblaster, wow. You have your game with a faulty hyperblaster. What an idiot.

Yeah, so it's about, this game is about heritage. It's about history. Yes, indeed. Which is also weird because they use this real woman, this real historical figure Countess von, whatever her name is. Who was Hungarian? Yes, and they just moved her to New Orleans. 300 years later?

Just do Delphine Lollori. Like she's right there. I said to you off the air, you're not going to do that because then you have to acknowledge slavery in the movie. And that's not what we're doing. Of course you do.

She fucking killed slaves. That was the thing. Well, they could have just said killed her like servants or something. They wouldn't have to do that. Like they wouldn't be obligated. In 2006, they would not have to be obligated. Here's the thing.

You fucking take this video game. You set it in Hungary and make it kind of like, Transylvania type setting or whatever. That like Hungarian dance number five catchy tune set that to some killing? I'm going to enjoy it. A Hungarian dance number five is like, Mabo number five. Yeah.

A little bit of dancing in my life. A little bit of hip twist in my life. And all the girls' names are like European. Yeah, yeah. Katrina. An Agatha. Dagmar. Shvanafanta.

Katarina. Katarina. Ava brought No Ava maybe Yeah yeah Yeah But yeah it's like this little walk through

You're walking through this haunted house Yeah and he just goes in there And gets killed pretty immediately This kid sucks at this game Totally sucks shit I mean for all these like folks that are like Hard ass gamers in this movie A lot of easy kills

Well the weird thing is A you're totally right though Andrew The graphics suck shit Absolutely And usually in these kinds of things you want the graphics to be kind of better than what you would get, you know, like, Tron. You know what I mean? Like, to date myself.

Like, that was like eight bit like on steroids, right? That's kind of makes it an immersive, interesting looking thing. But that's like, yeah, you're using like movie technology. You can make a better looking fake video games. Exactly. You don't have to have all the video game playing components of it. But then, like, people would be like, well,

video games don't look like that. I feel like you would get criticism either way. Yeah, no, it's true. But Tron rules. They should just make this tron. They get sucked into the video game. That's. Holy shit, man.

You die in the game. You die for real. I've been living in here for 30 years. Man, I'm due for a rewatch both of those. You got to stay alive, man. Oh, Michael Sheen's about to play. Don't worry. He's good.

Solid snake built that from a bunch of scraps. a bunch of twisted scraps bunch of twisted metal and like also the thing about this like in the beginning of this it's like Milo Ventimili was playing the game and like there's like crawly people on the walls and stuff

who never come back you know what I mean like that's only it would be something if more crawley people yeah or like because like the the idea is like oh all this stuff is actually real but then when you see the ghost they look like video games.

So you kind of want like, yeah, you want it to go the other way later in the movie where it's like, oh shit, these are real ghosts. They're actually scary. I mean, the ring has been out by now, right? Oh, for sure. Just rip it off.

Just have the characters walk out of the video game or whatever and become a real person. That'd be cool. Money. Yeah, that's a visual effect. Here's the thing, though. You know what movie does this idea kind of better? Like, people aren't getting killed or whatever.

But this movie could have been better if it functioned. this way. That second new Jumanji movie is all about like the video game. It's kind of, it mirrors more the Robin Williams movie. All the shit comes out of the video game. Yeah. Not them going into it. And it's like, Jumanji's running wild in the town. And like that's the movie. That should have been this. Like they're coming out of the game looking, you know, yeah, it's like shitty like 64 bit. Yes. And then they come out the TV

and it's a real looking creepy ring girl or something. I didn't, I didn't understand that those Jumanji. Fun is fuck both of all right? I have not either. They're not masterpieces but like if you just want to like have a good time or also like this movie also reminded me of brain scan a previous episode and that's a successful version more or less

because you invent a character like the trickster and you it's actually an inventive moment and all this fucking like half like it's a shitty video game A B it's Bathory who I'm like okay yeah like she ain't talking the trickster's talking a mile a minute. And it's

played by Alice Kriege. And you can get Alice Creche to be scary, dude. Yeah, yeah. Alice Crease is just scary in general. She goes to Whole Foods. People clear the fuck out. She's in that red, green line. You can just go right ahead, ma'am. Oh, my God, I was about to overpay for this

backs of chicken masala that I fucking didn't weigh before I got to the register. But now I saw Alice Creche and I'm shitting my pants and leaving it behind. I was just getting a pint of chicken noodle soup. I don't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just look like this naturally. I feel like there's a single shot of her in this movie and she's

got like dead ass like black shark eyes and whatever. And it looks awesome. And I'm like, dude's scenes deleted. What are we doing? Actually, speaking of scenes deleted, quick question around the horn because I don't know who was watching what. There's supposedly a 15 minute longer director's cut. I watched the 85 as as much of a fan of this film as I am and I only watch it the first time last night I won't be going to watch anymore

Really? 85 is playing. I think next October if you find it. Eighty-five is sticking with the boy then. Yeah, sticking with the boy. It doesn't appear like they're offering it to rent anywhere. Like at least on Apple, it was just like the theatrical. It must be like a DVD. Unreated DVD. In Germany only. Apparently there's an entire character that was cut out of the movie. I read that on Wikipedia. Is that right?

In the added scenes in the unrated version, the entire character in subplot or something is removed. What's the subplot? They didn't say. I would have guessed. That's funny because I would have guessed that the larger cut like makes Wendell Pierce do anything. Like, because he just disappears. Jesus Christ. Which thankfully for him, he got to disappear.

He's enjoying a nice nap or a long fucking bender. Is the, uh, is the character that got deleted's name like crank or something? Did not tell me. There's probably someone on IMDB that we didn't see in the movie. Oh, my God, Ratchet died in the game. Now he died for real. My cousin Trot is here. Me Trot, everybody.

He's a great gamer. We call him Trot because a lot of the times he gets diarrhea and doesn't know it. Yeah, his mom's Sarah Palin. It would be great if somebody was like, oh, shit. Okay, so all I have to do is say this spell to make this happen. And they do it for Banjo Cazoois to be able to hang out with Banjo and Cazooey. Absolutely. But then he gets eaten by that fucking bear.

Oh my God, he's a real bear. Dude, that's what I want. All the bird looks on dispassionately. All of the, yeah, like the cutesy video game characters, they come out the world, dude, they're evil. Cuberts just fucking sucking people. Mm-hmm. He's eating them.

Oh, dude, fucking Diddy Kong rips your face off and fucks it like a real monkey wood. On IMDB, there's a character called Fidget. I don't remember that. I don't remember Fidgett. Maybe fidget guy. Oh, twins, fidget and spinner. Oh, man. But so whatever, he's horrified and, like,

he dies pretty immediately gets hung by these chains. After being told that this game is the sickest shit since fatal frame. Because he calls a hutch. He's like, yo, man, I got the new game. You want to come over? And he's like, nah, dude, it's like fucking two in the morning. And I'm not going to do that. I have a job.

Exactly. It's a thing where Milo's character is. a guy who's like a beta tester so he's getting all these games before they come out and it's like this is the spooky new horror survival game called Stay Alive and he winds up

going upstairs to talk to his roommates. He wants anyone to play with him and they're just fucking pounding. Yeah. With a pig mask. The pig mask moment is beautiful. This is also a weird thing where like Milo is clearly living in like a big four bedroom house

and some development in suburbia. it's like, got this fucking roommate for it, dude. They have a foyer, like a cathedral ceiling where he gets hung from. Yes. In front of the, like, yeah. It's a full on, like, pseudo-McMansion type house. It's pretty wild, but yeah. Yeah, I'm sure we have some listener that's furious.

Like, we, yeah, we have them and we like them. We live with roommates. Well, Milo is a bit of a shut-in type, it would seem, because, like, you would think he would be banging all the time in a big mask. Chris, remember, gamer. Yes, I guess. So gamer that's shut in. Let's be honest. You know, let's have some brutal truths out there, folks.

Sure. Don't you got all of them? Yeah. Time to put down the video game. Step slowly back. Listen to Uncle Eric. Yeah. Walk through the threshold.

The door you mean the front door. Yes, I mean the front door. I was going to say take off the video game and put on a kung fu movie. Yes. Listen to Uncle Eric. Yes. Yes. Like a sensible shutting.

Yeah. I still stay in. Don't leave the house. Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Whatever, dude, I will sit there and play Need for Speed Heat for three hours and not notice a second of time. But, like, this roommate of his

is going at it with this girlfriend of his and he takes off the mask and I'm like, you could have kept that on, buddy. Yeah, you look better with it on. But also, like, it's, I guess they're very libertined in this house because he's just knocking. This dude's inside this girl.

He's like, hey, Baron, you want to go hang out and play? I was like, dude, I'm literally. literally, like, in the middle of sex. We're marinating right now. We're not even coo-todling. Soaking. You guys hear about... Soking, that's what a big.

Yeah, the new Mormon sex thing. Oh, no, what is what a craze? Oh, my God. Oh, it's not new. It's not new. Really? I learned about this first... Shut the fuck up.

On that show, it was a short-lived Amazon show called... Fuck, it was with John Goodman, like, Red House or something. Oh, Al-Gudmus? Alpha House. He was soaking in it? No, but one of the characters, Ben, he was an old UCB guy, Ben, something I think,

really funny guy, played a Mormon character and there was a thing where they talked about this soaking business. I think the new development is the jumping on the bed to simulate. We've got to explain this to Steve. Okay, so the thing is... I can't wait. Can I just point out like, you can still explain this, Eric,

but can I just point out finally for once, in 11 years on the air, someone else is explaining a weird sex thing to Steve. Exactly. Yeah, because Steve's Steve's the guy that's plugged in, man. He's just, he's depraved. That's for sure.

And usually you're on top of your cults. And, you know, Mormonism, without a doubt, is a creepy weird cult. Within the community, it's called pegged him. Please. What this soaking is, is Mormon teens do not think it's a sin to have, to put your penis in a girl's vagina and not move it. Oh. Like if there's no thrusting, it's not sex.

So it's not sex. I just have my hard dick inside of her. And now the new twist is, well, if I get my friend to watch us fucking jump on the bed, suddenly, that's not, I'm having sex without having the sin of sex.

Well, the someone's watching you? Yes. No, no, no, because someone is helping you simulate the movement. They're jumping up and down on the bed.

So they're forcing you to fuck. It's not, like the bed moves. And then your, your dick and vagina go up and down. And I never thought I would say this out. dry humping is so much better than that. Of course it is.

Of course it is. Because you don't have to have a fucking friend come in and jump on the bed. And listen, any Mormon listener out there who's participating in soaking, it is sex. And not only that, it's more sinful because it's a monashto, technically.

Yeah, absolutely. And you are going to hell. You know what Mormon teen out there listening to this show on the sly and your parents, you know, hopefully don't find out. It's also fine. It's totally okay if you have sex, just be safe about it.

Have sex. Fuck. Do not soak. Yeah, don't soak. Just fuck. It's just, it's just dumb. Soak before sex is the idea.

Well, yeah, you want to clean. Oh, can you clean your junk? Clean that johnson. Yeah, that's the best way to do it. Note to self. Clean myself. I mean, so what is, I mean, like, is the idea, I'm like, yo, Eric, I'm going to come over your house.

You're going to soak. Come over. I'll be the jump on the bed guy. But next weekend, you got to come. You got to be jumping on the bed. I think so. Yeah. We got a little back and forth there.

Exactly. Well, but also. Their sister marriage would allow for a more polycule type situation. Sure. Yeah, that's actually good point. Where you would have a third come in and help you. That's a fair point because you're all going to grow up to live in like a murderous ranch house. That's not all Mormons. Let's just. Really?

Very few live in murderous ranch houses. One in 20, top. It's spooky business, though, isn't it? Definitely is, dude. Oh, my God. Smookier than this movie. Absolutely. So he goes to bed after, they're like, shut the door, man.

Not too upset, though. They're like, we'll do that later. Come in later. Even the woman who's getting railed is just like, excuse me, can you come back in a few minutes? Like, she's not. Yes. I'd be screaming, go to the fucking door. Exactly.

That's how that works. That's always what I've encountered. But I have to assume Milo has been like in the corner with them. Oh, for sure. And or like, you know, they're all playing with each other. Fapping. It's a flapping. That's what I thought the Amazon show was called the fap house.

John Goodman Fapin. So he just goes to bed. Imagine that. He's got that commercial now where he's like a face on the finger. The finger on the face. Oh, yes. The face on the finger on the finger ever. People might not know this, but in the United States, there's like rampant online gambling

and that's just legal now because our societal structure is completely falling down. So we're increasing the opiate of the masses. So people don't actually do anything. That's until we get. Re-sponsored by Graft Kings. We'll edit this part out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair.

But, oh, my God, what was I saying? I was the finger face. Oh, my Lord. So there's a commercial in the United States, at least, where there's John Goodman's face on a finger, and you've never seen this guy so slim. But imagine that. Imagine a bunch of John Goodman faces on your fingers and then you're fapin.

Or maybe it's just the whole cast of Roseanne is on there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Pretend my dick's the Chinese food You're all going to grab it at the end of the table So that I guess you would cut your thumb off And then insert Katie Segal on a new thumb

Kind of thing Oh is that what happened? Yes I know she got exiled or whatever She's in like nine or something And like Katie Segal is on it And she's just playing She's like dating John Goodman

Oh that's amazing They murdered Roseanne dude They had her fucking OD Oh no The finger thing is just so gross The idea of your fingers having teeth and eyes It's why those thumb movies are fucking abomination But John, I mean John Goodman

Like if I'm stroking and then I hear John Goodman just say Enjoying my stroke I'm sitting here enjoying my stroke I would enjoy that. That would make me happen All right Did you make him like say lines he had in movies Like you're just jerking it off and he's like Time is on my side.

Would you make a lick it? But only not lick it. No, no, no, no. But he would have to do the lines. Absolutely. But you would have to make them for jerking off. Like time is on my side. It's good if I'm having a long stroke.

Oh, actually, he can help you with the J.O.I. Situation because you're just jerking on. And if you're going too far, he goes, over the line. Yes, exactly. But if you're figuring your own asshole, it's like, this is what happens when you fuck a stranger at the ass. Thunt. Yeah, yeah.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger at the ass. Thund. that little that tongue would be. It'd be like the tiniest mouse licking your... But John Goodman saying, don't come. Don't you come? It would be fantastic.

I would never get hard again. No, I think my balls are seizing up already. Not yet. Hold it. Hold it. What a filthy fucking discussion. Release. Because we don't want to talk about the movie.

Stay alive. I know. So Melvin, never in my life. And I'm glad I would be really embarrassed. If I ever had a nightmare about a video game Like that's what I'm like You know what dude

But so he has a nightmare But the video game He goes downstairs The power is out I guess That's why he's got a lighter I was confused by this And it basically scary scary stuff happens He gets hung

Is this in that show This is us Does he die every episode Is that how it works It's like a South Park So live die repeat or something Right I think it's like

They just keep reminding you That he died In like a microwave explosion or something stupid. Yeah, some appliance blew up. I just think every episode he should get killed. Like a hot plate blows up in his face or something. He's trying to make popcorn and fucked up. I think it is a hot plate.

I think you might be right. But then it's like you know, there's been like three more seasons with just flashbacks of him in Vietnam or some shit. Well, you know, this is the Darwin Awards. You know, if you can't handle the hot plate, get the fuck out of the planet. Oh, yeah. When your dad tried to put, you know, his

hearing aid in the air Friar. Oh man, that was so sad. He doesn't live that long though. He dies in the 1970s, I think the show says. That's cool. I know nothing about the show I'm taking a victory lap on that one because when it came out of the show sucks ass and I was like, no, it's the greatest show anyone's ever made. And then sure enough, which happens a lot with TV shows, the next season everyone's like, what were we thinking? I'm like, I know what you

were thinking you were fucking idiot. But then someone's thinking something because it's in like it's fifth or sixth season. Oh, of course. It's never going to end. No, of course. Never. going to end. And Milo Betta Bigley is like, I don't know, at some point he's, you're going to have to see him like going to Korea or something just to give him more time. Just give

Sterling K. Brown another television show and let's all get on with our lives. That'd be great. Every morning I wake up and I say, it's never going to end, is it? Not about that show, just in general. Yes. So he's dead. He's hanging from a fucking, hanging from a, having it from a belt at his fucking closet. Basketball

reference. And Rex, here he's in the foyer. Yeah, he's hung from the ceiling. Like from a shand, where a chandelier would be. Right. Whereas Rex, his sex buddy, was like hung and bled from. But you see it for, I'm not kidding you, like a second. Like the room is covered in blood.

The room is covered in blood, right? Yeah. Which also, like, the movie is starting off with this notion of like if you, you die the same way you died in the game. But like, them two motherfuckers weren't even playing the game. like when you learn at the end of the movie that that doesn't matter. Yes. But most of the movie you're told it does matter but the beginning of the movie also tells you

it doesn't matter. It must be like a Jake Paul like gaming house like because like they must have funk in that place I bet right? Oh, the crimes in that Oh sure. I mean but like they must have all as we learn like part of this is you say an incantation and you get so all three of them must have done

this together. I see. Just see. Deleaded. Yeah, yeah, again. Got it. Because this was probably three hours in the original. When he interrupts them having sex or whatever, they're like, oh, we haven't played the game for hours, loser or whatever. Oh, they do say they played it. They have played it. Got it. Got it. Got it. They died. So then we get introduced to Hutch Ben Foster's brother who, who boy, this kid.

If you are to believe, if you are to believe the IMDB trivia, apparently Ben Foster was supposed to play this character. And then he said his brother would be better suited for it and what that means is this movie is beneath me and I'm going to give it to my brother who I also believe is beneath me I would like him to move out of my guest house

the foster brother was having a run though because he was in the door and the floor and he got a bunch of fucking notices for Is he the kid from the door in the floor? He's also in the mysteries of Pittsburgh yeah yeah yeah oh that's a forgettable movie yeah sure they gave him a lot of chances and he botched elves

man, I'm fucking Kim Bessier in this movie. Right? That happens in that movie. There's a good door in the floor. There's a good like Jeff Bridges. It's fucking amazing. But there's a scene where Jeff Bridges is totally

going to town. Oh wow. That's like a split second. That's fucking awesome dude. Yeah. Put that in Tron. It's one of those like dreadfully sad indie movies that like

I definitely saw in theaters. Maybe we saw it together and it was just like well now we feel like total shit. during that run where like Jeff Bridges could do no wrong like that was I mean he was the contender on he had like a five year run yeah contender great movie yeah he uh this kid this chin strap goate mustache but but his his hair in general and the like office clothes he wear he looks like Jim from the office in this he does actually yeah he does wow he looks like the porn parody version of Jim from the office also point from the pointedly who he's looking like is Keanu at the beginning of the Matrix. Yes, also true. Let's not try and do that.

He gets pulled into his boss's office. His boss is Adam Goldberg. Miller Banks. Miller Banks. Adam Goldberg always acting as if he's on cocaine. This is another character that should be fucking tooting up a storm in this movie. He's usually fine, but even he sucks in this fucking movie.

Dude, he's way better in previous episode that we just did. the prophecy. Oh, yeah. Remember? Yes, yeah, totally. He's got a fun nervous energy. Exactly.

He's been very capable before, but I guess because it's just trash and no one gives a shit about it, I guess this is what happened. He's also very funny on the sitcom Friends. Apparently Steve Zahn was supposed to play this character, dropped out at the last second

and they're like, hey, Adam Goldberg, you got two days? And he's like, yep, I sure do. Wow. You know, honestly, Steve Zon and Ben Foster, it might have been better. Not a good movie, but it might have been better. Oh, definitely.

Yeah. Also, Adam Goldberg. But yeah, you're totally right, Steve. He gave him a day. It's a single fucking day because he does not leave this office set. You're totally right. So it basically comes in and you think Hutch is going to get in trouble. He's like, oh, I should have got you the report.

Yes. I don't care about that. What I need to know is how do I get past the last level of the video games? This is Silent Hill 4. He even says this is why I hired you, which is baffling. But this is a gamer's dream. Yes. I don't have to do my actual stupid office work.

I just have to tell my idiot boss how to be his stupid video game. Hey, man. It's the dream job. It's a fucking great scam if you can find it. So I get why they're like, they're like, wouldn't this be great kind of? Yeah, but I think that it's not sad at all. Here's the weird thing. Some guy hires you for your video game knowledge.

It's like, yeah. You don't have to work. Don't worry about work at all. It's like, yeah, in three weeks I'm drinking this guy off. Yeah, that's how that's going to go. It's just like, oh, no, man, you're so good in video games. all I need you to do is come in here, give me some tips from now and now and again. He's definitely asking

you if you have a dealer for sure. He's looking for a new hookup, sir. You can get me through Silent Hill and you can get me some meth. Here's the other thing though. It's 2006. I know we're like a year away from YouTube, but like the internet exists. Just go search

for a game guide. Don't hire this guy to give you like IRL video game tips. He said something, something the walkthrough didn't help him. Oh God. They have a fucking line to cover every dumb ass. Let you know, dude. This movie's very good and I'm going to defend it. See, it's iron

clad. We cannot penetrate. We're trying to find avenues to make fun of it, but totally. It's all there. I got to find the fucking flaw in the death star somewhere. Yeah, they did their homework. Oh. Stupid impenetrable video game slasher movie. And whatever, it's just sort of like, oh, I need to take today, tomorrow

off because my friend fucking died. No, he gets the call in the office. Because it's like a little tit for tat. It's like, I'll tell you how to beat this part in Silent Hill 4, but can I have tomorrow off? Presumably to just go play video game. Is he a video game pay pig out of, Adam Goldberg? Is that what's going on here? I guess so. I think you're exchanging tips for fucking other office services. That sucks because in that case, October should have this job. Absolutely. I mean, honestly, get fucking him out of here. Hutch out of here. Hutch.

Fucking named after furniture. I had a college professor. She taught her like a college writing course. very cool woman. Her name was Professor Hutchinson and she was like, you can call me Hutch and I was like but that's also the nickname for the highway that you take to come to campus. I don't know that I'm

comfortable with that. Hey, where's Starsky? Yeah. That's kind of the thing like that's like that's kind of like call me house. Like I'm like, shut the fuck up. You're not a private detective. Give it a rest. You can't tell me to give you a nickname. I'm not doing it. You know what

You know what T-bone, I think we all decided on for me. Yeah, my name's Brendan. You can call me the badass. Oh, yeah. Get the badass in here. I need some Silent Hill for help. So he finds out that his friend died and he goes to the funeral the next day. And this is where he meets Abigail, who is the friend of the girl who is having slip not sex.

Oh, right. And she's just like, this is creepy. And someone needs to tell her to please stop because she's like, oh, I always thought I'd be taking pictures at so-and-so and so-and-so's wedding. But I guess since I can't do that, I'm just taking pictures at the funeral. No, you're not. No, you've got to put that down.

Get that camera. Listen, a camera should never go into a cemetery. I guess that I would sign on to that. No shutterbugs. It should be on the sign of every cemetery. That's a good point because then we wouldn't have to deal with that stupid fucking ghost orb crap or whatever. It's going to happen eventually, man,

because every stage of life gets infected. by capitalism and now Instagram eventually there's going to be like we're going to monetize graveyards we are absolutely going to monetize graveyard look I'm saying you know what maybe you can take a camera you should at least cover yourself up

get some camouflage go into bushes a little bit don't just be there be like snap snap snap it'll be the thing where you know the kids that's got to hold the pictures like first day of kindergarten

you'll just put like a placard on the on the grave is like first year in the ground right come back second year in the ground third year in the ground i got a great way to monetize cemeteries get some fucking vending machines out there yeah like just you know some water i think los angeles has already started right don't they show movies there it's like yeah sure just piss and shit the hollywood forever cemetery yeah just dump your garbage on this stupid poor soul also set up parking in the cemetery yes so because then you have visitation times

then you break down the whole fucking thing i love showing movies in the cemetery like that it's like yeah i got this whole picnic here. Take that Jack Lemon. Well, I guess you could show deep throat in the cemetery for a prize. Great. I'm stuck in purgatory and I got to watch fucking B

movie. Great. Excellent. Jerry Seinfeld as a B. Oh, and he's into big ladies, great. That's great. That was my thing. I was into big ladies. Why don't you stomp on me? Stomp on my grave. Oh. Oh. That's why he's in purgatory. He's into it.

but like they this girl comes up to him because you find out later in the movie it doesn't really matter he has a huge tragic backstory which is hilarious oh it sure is but and he was raised

by Loomis's family Loomis and this little girl comes up like you know mom and dad we're going to throw away all of his video games and this satchel I wanted you to have it

here at my brother's funeral you can take I don't know lady just go to GameStop and get $9 in store credit be done with it. That's the highest you're ever going to get in store credit at GameStop for turning in games. I don't want to pick on this lady too much, but this is like the worst actress in the butt.

Oh, of course. She goes up to Hutch and he's like, he had a statue and he had to say it. Would you like it? I think you're right, though. This movie has a real problem with annunciation. I was like, I had to put on the fucking, I had to put on the fucking subtitles. I'm like, who is saying what? A lot of mumble mouths.

mumble and marble mouths in this movie. So he gets, he gets stay alive. By the way, marbles, that was like your great grandfather's video game they were hooked on. Dude,

one of my all-time favorite original Nintendo games, Marble Madness. Adapted from regular marbles. And they, based on the popular game, based on the popular game made famous by the greatest generation.

It was that and jacks. Right? I love jacks. Throw some jacks down. You get the bounce. Ball. Suddenly, boom. There goes the entire day. Ladies and gentlemen, 500 of our citizens have been killed in downtown Detroit. There's been a shower of marbles. It is truly marble madness. Dude, Roland Emmerich's marble madness. Just make that movie. I like this idea. I would love that.

Went right through his skull. Just the marble right. Dude, dropped at a certain height. It just goes right through. Oh, my God. The marbles just broke the White House. I just cried I just saw the trailer again for that moon revenge movie where the moon's going to walk on you now the moon dude the moon it looks good actually it looks fun it looks dumb

I can't wait I'm so fucking excited but actually here's because you could take the battleship route right they made that battleship movie it's a thing where aliens are pummeling the earth with marbles god and a team of experts has to go up into a space station

there's a mutual game of marble madness this plot of pixels I think What we're going to do is we're going to get some, we're going to get some jacks in there. Get some jacks in there. Finally a crisis I can handle. Marble madness. I remember playing marbles. Oh, I'm getting ready to flick these things.

Come on, man. Flick some marbles. I know I can't do it. I've lost my marbles. He goes to this vampire coffee shop where Finn and October work. Jimmy Simpson and Sophia Bush who are brother and sister

in this movie figure that out and he's like hey yeah I'm back home this home movie takes place in New Orleans I guess he lives

in the city and this is like some Louisiana suburb kind of a thing I would love to like see more of anything in New Orleans yeah for sure

feels like any town USA it does you see some stuff like later you see October's apartment she's got this kind of cool

those balcony places, apartments that they have there in New Orleans there where it's like, yeah, an apartment with a balcony? No, but it's like the whole floor is balcony. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Flores. Yeah. Franda is the word I think I want to use.

Like a wraparound porch, you say. Yeah, that's cool. I've never been in New Orleans. You got to go, dude. I just hope I don't run into any spooky video games. They're like, oh man, it sucks. Loomis is gone. He was part of our gamer clique. I say clique, not click.

I don't think he is though because there's a reference made to like Jimmy Simpson doesn't know these people that are killed because he's going off about like and this is dumb as shit and I you know I don't know if it's actual like gamer slang but he gets the copy of the game and Hutch is like oh this was the last game he played before he died and he's like well we got to burn around for your friend Milo like burn around he means like play around of the game that's very straight. If I die, you could throw all my video games in the garbage. How about that? But what about the boy? Should we let him go? It's a movie that I enjoy, Eric. All right? And I've only seen it once. Just once?

Just the one time. Wow. Oh, so I should get rid of the tombstone. This is, here lies Steve, the boy love, or say. Yes, please. So they make these plans to play the game and everybody's coming over to Hutch's house. And, like, in preparation, like, I appreciate

this guy straightening up a little bit before all his friends come over. What's the deal, speaking to Jerry Seinfeld, with this character washing out solo cups to reuse them? I was shocked by this. That was disturbing and disgusting. I guess it's to underline that this

is in the mid-aughts. Remember that, folks. And also they're poor and lazy. I guess poor is really what they're trying to underline. But this is a gorgeous apartment. Sell your fucking four-foot-tall steamboy poster. And, buy some fucking flatware. I don't know

what that art is on the wall either. It looks awful. This whole place is terrible. But the washing of the solo cups, like yeah, that's gross. Even if it's a thing, if you're like, oh, these are my beer pong cups. I keep them so I can buy new ones. Yep, it's disgusting. It costs $1.99 for 50 of them. Reusable.

The Red Solo Cup was taken over the nation at the time. A lot of you listening are too young to remember this. But, I mean, there was that song? There was that song. What was it? Keith, one of those country, yes. Toby Keith had a song about red solo cups. It was everywhere, obviously. I want to kill a terrorist with a red solo cup. That's about how it meant. Yeah. Part of collegiate life. Yeah. Look, I only like drinking

out of cups that I've also pissed in. So I've washed them out. Look, I wash them out. What do you want from me? Also, you got to get some snacks, some gamer snacks. So everybody shows up. We're introduced to Frankie Munis's swing. Do this upside down visor. You can fucking shut the fuck up with this. We tried to make that happen for a while. Where was that from, though? I remember from Can't Harley Waite, but that's it. That's my first recollection of it. Well, the Pacific Sun Corporation was just like, we need, we're bringing back visors.

I know that we're trying to order a bunch of beanies and we actually got a bunch of visors. What if we turned them upside down? In the past, clothes have fit. What if they didn't? What if they were way too large for you and you looked absolutely idiotic? That's right. Now, thanks to Pacific Sunwear, the green visor is no longer just for old accountants in It's a Wonderful Life. It's for babies who don't know what they're wearing. What if everyone wore Hawaiian shirt?

Jimmy Simpson commenting on that he's excited. Abigail is coming to the game party because, quote, girl has got body karate going on. Yes, indeed. Nice. This is where I was like, my kingdom for this character be killed right now. Well, this way, he's a, he's like a depot zone for every like shitty Dane Kook like saying that's ever happened. Yes, you're totally right. It's just

sputtering out of his mouth. Oat six, we were still letting that motherfucker make movies. I totally forgot about Dane Cook. That's right, because his girlfriend was only three years old at the time. Yeah, yeah. Wait, oh, really? I think he's married to like a 17 year old girl or something like that. Wow. Or yes.

Speaking of Hutch the other Hutchinson Doug Hutchinson Rout. The true hutch. Right. The one true hush. They're divorced, right?

What was it named Courtney Stodden? Oh yeah. There was a whole thing. Fuck me for knowing that. What a piece of shit I am. At least she didn't marry a child. I'll say that much. They're like, hey, Adam Goldberg,

do you want to be in this scene? And he did the finger. thing, which meant the money, so that means he had to do it on the one day. Look, we're not going to hire you for 48 hours, but how about 36? What is the more lame route here? Having your boss come over to your apartment to play video games or playing video games online with your boss? He's keeping distance making it at the office.

Because once you go over to somebody's house, that's like the beginning of a friendship. Yeah. You're staking that out at least. He's keeping it professional. Yeah. Yeah, so you're saying Miller High Life was doing the thing that like HR would approve of. Yeah, I think he's making the smart move here. Although he's like smoking in the office, that's a little much.

Well, he's hungry. I mean, he's just, he's drunk with power. That's true at this point. In 2020, as of November 2020, Kelsey Taylor, Dane Cook's girlfriend was 20 years old. Wow. And how old is he? Like 46. 46.

That is a hard age to say. Age gap lovers. That's insane. It's a lot. It's a lot. I couldn't imagine even talking to a 20 year old and I'm like 10 years younger than Dane Cook practically. I think like they're sitting around like on date night you know and she goes

Papa, tell me again about the shocker. Bend over and I'll show you. That's right. What was life like before Zyractwa? We just can't connect. You know nothing about Phineas and Furby. I think it's Phineas and Furb. It's just Ferbby was that like little creature.

The alien thing. Oh, yeah, the little like, uh, doll. It was like a grambling, basically. It was Aguoy, excuse me. You just have to talk to somebody who's like, Oh, it's just so amazing. When the modern family invented the sitcom. And you're like, oh, no.

Oh, man. Papa, what was it like growing up without the internet? Why is she vaguely European? I started it. I know. I'm just enjoying it. I think this is running over from our conversation on 90210.1 because we have a 902.1 podcast called Melro 210 that we have on our Patreon. And we were positing that Dylan McKay has French children. Oh, that's right. Of course, Clements, his French daughter. That's right. Patreon.com slash we have movies.

What do you mean that Ed O'Neill wasn't always 70? Well, he was in a little movie called, uh, oh, fuck. K-9? Dutch. Dutch. I got hutch on the brain here. It's like, you know, your left brain says Dutch and your right brain says hutch, you don't know what to do. God is saying, by the way, now that's the second Ethan Embry movie referenced on this episode. Wow.

I love it. Love that guy. Do you think his ears are tingling? Oh, I don't know. He's a cool dude, man. Really? I love Ethan. You hanging out with him?

No, but he's a good Twitter follow. And I like him and stuff. I don't watch that their Netflix program. Was he just tweeting about his overdraft fees or, uh, oh, come on. No, he's actually, I mean, that's pretty funny, but no. Is he washing it out Red Solo Cubs? Oh, come on.

I'm talking about how I like this guy. I know. He's on, we're having fun. What the fuck is it? Grace and Frankie, that's the show. Dude, I'm sure you could buy and sell me any old day. And he's welcome too. I would love to be bought and sold.

Buy the boys. Stephen's say that. Take the boy. So they're playing it. And yes, they're like, oh, why can't the game start? Oh, I guess we have to. read this this prayer and like Frankie Munez was like

the tech kid is just like well that that's like voice activated technology we're years away from that but they say it and then of course the game starts yeah and I guess he has a bunch of monitors set up in his house here's the thing I don't think you ever get a straight on

shot of that you don't they just show the individual monitors every time and also you're playing this game for the first time how do you know that it's like a multiplayer like Five people can get in on this. Like, and they start,

they start, you are, characterizing their characters immediately, they know everything. Oh my God. Adam Goldberg, like,

you already know you can do online play with it. Like, I need them to figure this out a little bit more like, oh, okay, oh good, everybody,

it is a multiplayer. Sign in. I like how they do the character creation and they all just make themselves. Yes. You could put, oh my God,

I can put a visor on my guy? That's amazing. And it's a fucking right side up visor and I wanted Frankie Munas to take a moment and be like, there's no way that I can turn this visor upside down. It goes that you select visor and it drops down normal

or stupid. Stupid. Absolutely stupid. Actually, it's stupid or asshole. Frank Immunas with that upside down visor was giving me some like Seth Green can't hardly wait viz. Yes. Big time.

Yep. I think actually one of the buddies not in Seth Green's click, but I think in Mike Dexter Exeter's crew. It doesn't Freddie Rodriguez have an upside advisor or an advisor of some kind? I just never saw it in the wild. It was just something.

No, it's bone chill. You know, a buddy of mine tried to make that happen. It was a thing where he tried to wear it out and everyone was like, no, man, that's not on. And good on you guys, because you have to do that. When someone experiments with headgear and it doesn't work, you have to let them know. Another buddy of mine tried goggles. That didn't work either.

Like the goggles you just wear it on top of your head. I love that. A friend of mine, workout gloves. Just normal day-to-day, like just hanging out in school. Did you let that happen? Oh, no, no, no. I told them right. Paul, you've got to stop this right now.

There was a time for Steve had a hat. Do you remember this? Oh, yeah. I was starting to wear a Tom Waits hat. You had, and I just, I had to put a stop to it. I was like, Steve, I love you too much to let you wear this hat. It was a bad time for me. It read too much like magician or a guy that does magic on the side.

You're doing close-up magic at someone's kitchen, absolutely. Oh, so it was kind of like a top hat thing? No, it was it, it was a Tom Waits? Like kind of like, you know, like a Frank Sinatra kind of hat. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Now I got you. And it's like a hobo hat. There was a hole.

You're looking for a bean dinner with a hat like that. Oh, dude, you get to get to Bean Dinner going? Yeah, you do some gaming. Dude, put your piping hot bean dinner and your nice and clean red solo cup. Bean dinner would be great for a gamer because you just want sludge. anyway, right? You just wash it down some mountain dew

and then you're done. You're done. You don't have to be true. You don't have to be. Oh, red mountain. By the way, and this is everyone under the age of 50 turned it off real quick.

Anyone notice when he calls when Lumis calls Hutch at the beginning of the movie in Hutch in the foreground of Hutch's Bachelor pad a balls energy drink. I saw this.

I saw this. It's an iconic bottle. You cannot forget. get it. B-A-W. L-S. Yes. And they even sold those on campus back when we were in college because we are that old. Ribbed like a blue glass dildo. It was very bizarre. Yeah. Just like an... Scam of the century. It's like an energy drink. It's like what monster is now. It tastes it like bubble gum soda.

I actually kind of liked it. I kind of liked it too, but I was dumb as fuck. And then... Carbonated pepto-bizmo. No, thank you. But in that moment, the fellow on the other end of the call, I don't know, Hutch, living, whatever these fucking names are, liver, bottom, I don't know. Oh, liver bottom, the British friend. Oh, chaps, well, I've heard of you perish in the game, you perish for real.

Hello, can we move the video game start time up a little bit? It gets a little late for me on the other side of Pondier, yep, if you're dying the game, you die for real. Perhaps we could play at Greenwich Mean Time. But the guy on the other end of the call, maybe it was Hutch or whatever, is drinking a Red Bull.

So we're showing all the gamer fuel, if you will. You didn't get any soby life water. Can't believe they couldn't wedge some Taco Bell in here, though. Right. Well, they probably said no when they saw the graphic renders. That's true. This is most of the movie? No.

Yeah, we can't. The volcano sauce is for bigger, bigger movies. For Michael Crichton closers. Oh, fucking Michael Crichton tie-in Taco Bell meal. I would like that. But so, like, they're playing for a while. it's spooky scary. Everyone knows what they're doing.

They are, I'm sorry, but they are like a little too scared by this video game. Exactly. Well, they're like, oh my God, what this is so fucked up. I'm like, do you see what you're looking at, dude? Jimmy Simpson excited to start playing the game wants everyone to get ready because he wants to, quote, butter this muffin.

So he wants to fuck the video game. That's what I take from that. Is it a buttering the muffin simulate? either are you about to play? Otherwise, you want to fuck the video. You won't have to buttering your muffin. You won't last five minutes. Uh-oh, you burned your muffin.

That's a good question. Is there an alternative? If you fuck in this game, do you fuck for real? That's a great question. Ooh. Yeah. Well, you should experiment with that. Start low stakes, though.

If you fart in the game, you fart for real. Well, that's exactly what was supposed to be explored in the Trot storyline was the farting and fucking in the game for real. Right, right, right. It would be great of like the power. or like the energy what do you call it there like the health thing is like you know it happens sometimes like I'll be a whole turkey

like Castlevania did that yeah and like that's what it is at this game and everyone keeps getting really full oh my god I'm gonna throw up Jesus Christ I ate a whole turkey just to get my health points up in the game

I have to eat an entire Thanksgiving turkey every few minutes feels like I ate an entire turkey and five apples oh Jesus Christ I'm in breath of the wild. I just ate 25 apples to get back all my hearts.

If you play Mario Brothers, you get fucking a high as shit with those mushrooms. Yeah. You don't know where to go anymore. You're just high on mushroom standing. I was going to do a boss level of breast in the wild. I had like four rice dishes. Jesus Christ. Can you shit in the woods

in this game or what? Mario, I ate a glowing flower. Now I can't stop puking on fire. All of this is way better. By the way. There is to say something nice as I try to do about this terrible movie. There is a very

funny smash cut here where they're walking through and Jimmy Simpson's like okay, like game looks pretty good, pretty spooky scary, but you know what? It's kind of moving a little slow for my taste and they do a smash cut to all of them being super into it to the point where they're all sweating horribly. Yeah.

Kind of funny. Jimmy Simpson is like shamed. three layers. He's in his underwear. That's why I need them blowing rails in this movie. Absolutely. Because then I would totally get it. I'm like, oh yeah, they're really into the game. They're all fucking snort and coke. Meth. Like you could, this is more of a meth crew. This is, I would think. And Jimmy Simpson definitely is the type. Anything to keep you up so you can keep playing the game. Keep gaming, dude. So Adam

Goldberg dies in the game, which he doesn't know yet what means he's going to die for real. He gets separated from the pack. He gets stabbed in the throat. We should also say roses are important. And if you throw a rose, it makes the ghosts go away, which is sure, whatever. But he doesn't have any roses. He winds up meeting the countess in some torture room. She stabs him in the throat. And everyone's like, oh, well, I guess we'll call it a night.

And then Adam Baldwin, Adam Goldberg, again, like, I don't know, like, are you hiding from your wife? Like, why wouldn't you go home to play the video game? Dude, he is, though, because there's a line. One of the detectives in the movie is, like, Adam Goldberg, like, told his wife he was working late. Oh, I see. You better not be playing

this fucking video game, you loser. You fucking pizza shit. Don't you smoke in this house? No, definitely. You smoke at work. Why don't you go to your whores, Zelda? Why don't you go back to your

whores house? You got a voice message from someone named Peach. Who is that fucking bitch? How you like them in dresses, do you? I know we kind of just moved off it, but the Jimmy Simpson stuff, someone, one of the ladies, I forget which one, says to him. October or the other one. I don't know, which, Miss October, November, whichever. One of them says to, if you had any less sense, you'd be half a penny, which I feel like that's like a Clint East wouldn't cry macho.

And somebody next to him says like, what? What does that mean? If you had any sense, you'd be half a. penny right it'd be so good yeah put that guy in a home is that how the movie heads i haven't seen it yet no well i think warner brothers is his home now they're just wheeling them in and out of like the conductor room god bless him i hope he makes movies into his hundreds me too just keep going just stilted and bizarre just as like cry macho as i like it he's got that fucking old bastard irish blood though because i think his mother lived well over a hundred or something Oh, I hope he turns 103

and he's still having threesomes in these movies. Please, just do it. Go. If you die in the day, you die for real? Yeah, oh, man, his video game movie would be pretty something. Red Dead Red Dead Redemption done by plenty. Yes, that's what it would be.

It would be that or Marble Madness. Oh, yeah, I used to play this back in the day. Dude, that's right. They're like, oh, we have to get like the reigning world marble champion to defeat these aliens. And they just wheel out Clint Eastwood. I love it. He plays him in marbles.

Great. So he gets, I mean, like, it's not even a good jump scare at all. Because they're all these, like, we're just running at, like, the camera is running at the person. Yeah. And that's it. And he gets stabbed in the throat with a big bunch of scissors by this computer lady who looks like dog shit. Yeah. It's so dumb.

It's so dumb that they decided to make her look like a video game. Like, it just makes more sense. because, yes, the video game is in real life, so she should be fucking real life. Then you can have Alice Creed for more than one shot of this movie. But it's just also, like, boring because it's like, it's just

like drab gothic get up. Like, it would be hilarious if like a virtual fighter came in and stabbed you in the fucking neck. That would be wonderful. But you are, again, basing this on a real character for some fucking reason. I don't get it. I don't get it. Just make her the fucking countess,

whatever the shit. I feel like somewhere along the lines, another script was like eaten by this one. Definitely. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, I think it was the fucking biopic of this historical figure. Yeah, so they're like, turned into stay alive somehow. So now welcome Wendell Pierce and other detective. Wendell,

because Hutch comes into work the next day and oh my God, his boss has been murdered and he like pushes past everybody and then Wendell Pierce is like, interesting, you're interested in your dead boss. He's like, I don't know, it fucking sucks, man. What do you want for me? He does, here's one thing you definitely do not do. He tries, he

tries to push past Wendell Pierce? Absolutely not. That dude will fuck your day up. I mean, even if he's shaking off a nap, which he is at this moment, like you still have to respect the man. And I guess Hutch is surprised

to find himself a suspect, but obviously you would be. Yeah, of course. You're a fucking dangerous loner, a gamer. Oh, come on. I mean, it's true. Like, you know,

hashtag not all gamers. Sure. Just get your alibis in order, folks. Well, that's the thing is Hutch has a pretty solid alibi. He's with all these people playing the game. Yeah, Detective Tibido is Wendell Pierce's character. Detective Tom Tibido, yes.

He's like, oh, yeah, with a bunch of friends, you say. Well, I guess we'll have to look into that. And then at no point is it ever like, oh, by the way, Hutch, we contacted all your friends and every one of them corroborated your story. I get it though. Tibido, if you're

Tibido, and you're like, okay, you were with some friends. Where are their names? October. Finn Swink God, some girl I met at a cemetery whose name I'm forgetting

At my friend's funeral And yeah Timito's just like Yeah this dude definitely Yeah you killed your Because like Tibido is like kind of Not Has to take a shot

He's curious about Hutch But the other guy's really like He did it You know immediately This other guy Who's just a big fat Straight from pornography Nobody

Exactly Rio Hackford. Apologies. Detective King. But this is, it's 06 and we're in New Orleans, but this is still pre-Tremay. It would have to be because Treme is about Katrina. Oh, that's right. Of course, does. So that's, uh, I forgot that this was the last movie made in New Orleans before Katrina. So I wonder then, does Wendell Pierce just live down there full time, you think? I have no idea. Or maybe it's just a coincidence that he's in this movie and I mean, he's, he's true. He was like, oh, what, one day? Sure. Yeah, I got it.

I guess that's true. I mean, it is so like, you have a fucking powerhouse like, Wendell Pierce in this terrible movie with nobody in it. I don't know, man. Maybe give him more time, maybe some scenes on his own doing some investigations, make him a character instead of just literally dropping him from the movie. 85 minutes.

Yeah, Ben Foster's brother, eat it up. Wendell Pierce was born in New Orleans. Oh, so maybe he loves it. So whatever, the movie kind of moves on. They're all freaked out. I think this is when Hutch starts to put it together that he died in the same way and oh my God, Loomis.

there must be something going on with this game. Jimmy Simpson still wants to play the game because he's so into it. He's very horny. He's very horny for the game, but he's not horny for anybody else. Right. Other than Abigail, I guess. They all have like a spooky moment

where it's like they almost kind of get killed. Like there's a part where Jimmy Simpson like almost gets hit by a car. Yes. There's like a little montage of like, who, that was close. That's true. And Frankie Munez starts talking about this thing that he's been reading about online called Perceptive Reality.

Sure. And it's basically video games coming into the real world. You're perceiving things. And it's like such a half-baked thing that they throw into this movie that comes to nothing. Nope. It's just like let's give it a cool like

buzzy sounding whatever to like quote unquote explain this whole phenomenon. This movie cannot be 68 minutes. You listen to me now. Cannot be 68 minutes. So Hutch, right, like you said, Steve, he is starting to suspect. He's like, look, you know, Milo Ventimilia, pig fucker guy, lady who's getting fucked by pig fucker guy.

They all died, and Adam Goldberg all died the way that they died in the game. Like, you cannot tell me that that's a coincidence. And somehow, and I don't know what's going on here, there's some hacking of foot because, like, he just gets access to all these police files. I think it's Swink because Swink is like Is he hacking? I think he's hacking Nice. And yeah he I don't know all the files he realizes It's 85 minutes and I couldn't pay attention

It was really difficult Honestly it was No like honestly if you're gonna do that Give me a hacker montage with like the fucking stupid Electro music Exactly which ends with We're in Yes exactly I need a

We're in totally turn this into a cyber thriller Absolutely We can talk about Jimmy Simpson's death, which is my favorite part of the movie. Oh, my God. It's fucking hilarious. Because he's just like driving, what he calls his whip because it's 2006.

Oh, my God. This song, he's singing. This Prague rock that he's screaming into the sky. I was embarrassed for him. And they're like, oh my God, you're playing the game right now, right? And he's like, I don't know, maybe or something.

I don't know what. This is what they realize that you don't actually have to be playing in the game to be dying in the game. And I'm like, well, then that's stupid. Yes, because he's driving down this road It looks like the fucking Where they have like the final scene

In Knife in the Water or something Or Ace, anyway And he sees a little girl In the road and it's like little zombie girl And he swerves and almost runs into a tree But doesn't and then he gets out of the car And he's like, well ha see Because I didn't die in the game yet

Bebitty Bebitt and Beah And then he's run over by a horse-drawn carriage That is hilarious But the fucking And the thing they keep doing in this movie is, like, once the video game is, the movie looks worse. Yes. They make everything dark so you can barely see what's happening. Yep, you've got to cover up them bad special effects somehow, dude.

Yeah, light is expensive. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. Yeah, you dim them. And it, the fact that he dies by horse drunk carriage, the fact that the horse drunk carriage comes back later, it's just like, it's the, like, you know, Jason had a hockey mask, Freddie had a knife glove. This lady's got a horse-drawn carriage that's also haunted. And later in the movie, Sophia Bush has to be like, someone ran over my brother with a horse-drawn carriage. I want to hurt them.

And I'm like, L-O-Fucking L. That is how, though, you know that she was receiving some sort of financial compensation for this movie. Because there's no way without being paid, you could say a line that stupid and get through it. It's tough. Somebody ran my brother over with a horse-drawn carriage, and I'm going to find that.

Nothing wrong with these horse-drawn carriages, Mayor de Blasio. You've got to keep them. You're just taking, you're taking money out of the pockets of some hard-working ghosts. I was walking up and down the street, look, and now I'm just... That's enough, Mr. Dyson. That's enough. I was looking for a video game character. Walking all up and down Central Park South, looking for horse-drawn carriages.

I was looking for Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson's punchout. Yeah, you know why. Only has got as far as King Whippon. Mr. Dicent's had a lot of stress recently. He's been pissing his pants, as you know. The Japanese guy in that game was hard to be, too. Piston Honda, I believe. Yeah, he was very difficult.

He had the eyebrows. Boom, boom. That's how you knew he was coming for you. Oh, yeah. You know what? Piston Honda killed my brother and I'm going to find him. They should make that a movie. Punch out for sure.

You know, you just make it rocky. Yeah, like a boxing comedy. That'd be hilarious. Go ahead. That'd be easy. I don't get why you don't. do this all the time. But whatever. The movie kind of goes on. The next person...

They should make duck hunt. Yeah. Like, just like a bunch of idiots out like hunting ducks and they like accidentally kill each other or something. Their dog starts talking to them. Yeah. Kill your family. My dogs laughing at me. I'm going to kill people. Yeah, yeah.

That'd be cool. But no, at the, at the crime scene, Wendell Pierce comes back with his other detective, the other detective, he finally comes out. It's like something's going on with this game. I know it's going to sound crazy. The other detective's like, ha, this game's stupid. Let me play it for 10 minutes. And he dies in the game. And sure enough, he's going to die for real. Here's a question I have, because I started thinking about it in

this moment, because Frankie Munez has like a laptop that he's got the game on, right? But like, they are also, like at the beginning of the movie, they're playing online with Adam Goldberg. Yes. The movie, I guess, never really decides if this is a game you can play offline or not and like kind of just ignores it because this laptop ain't tethered to nothing. There's one point I think when Jimmy Simpson goes

back to the game he says like story mode is better anyway. Oh, I see. So there are I guess that's a reference to there being multiplayer and regular single player. That is true but also remember none of this matters. They completely ignore this shit

and like literally as the movie goes on they're like oh forget that rule. We have to do a new thing. forget the other rule. We have to do a new thing. I'm sorry. You're right. They keep on, like, not following their own rules that they're setting up. And, you know, hell, this podcast this week doesn't matter. And next week we'll have a fresh, good program. Yes, of course.

But it's fucking hilarious because this is, man, another horrendous line given to Sophia Bush. She goes, uh, why did you have to bring that game into our lives, hunch? My brother's dad. Yeah, that's tough. I could have just played bloodbored and been chafed this whole time. It was Loomis's fault. It is. Like, honestly, burn the box.

Like, you're the next of kin to fucking Milo Ventibiglia? Well, no, but it's like the parents got the good stuff. Like, I don't know, you like video games. He's got like fucking four video games at a fucking knapsack. Why do you take it? But that's like bringing that to the fucking funeral. That's, I would be like, leave that at home. We'll talk about that later.

I'll get it later. You know, we're burying your fucking brother today. Loomis would like to be buried in it. Do you see this thing that went around Twitter a little while ago of like gamers graves? No. And it's like people are getting like, I think some of them were in Russia or whatever, but people are getting like game themed tombstones. And like, you know, it's like a like a little space invader made out of cement.

Yeah, shit like that like referencing the game they loved or it's like a cement controller type of thing. I want my casket to look like one of those pills from Dr. Mario. Now, that's pretty cool. Yeah, you can talk me into it. Yeah, that's pretty cool. I don't know, man. You want to get a little controller carved on your tombstone? Whatever.

Sure. I just think it's funny because everyone's going to walk by and see like, like, you know, oh, wow, that's not the new next gen council. What a loser. If you want to monetize cemeteries, that's one thing that's going to happen is like some of these nerds are going to put like literally like cabinets where their fucking tombstone would be. Oh, that's interesting. Like, you know, PS2, which is like, I think.

what this game is played on. That seems so archaic at this point. You walk by a tombstone that displays a PS2. You're laughing. I'm sorry. Well, but I think maybe, though, you could look at it as like, well, it's a vintage thing. Like, imagine you saw one with like an NES controller. I guess.

I still laugh at it. Here's the move, though. It's just like the outline of the controller, but then there's real pushable buttons. You can make me dance in hell. And you can do a special code, the fucking corpse just pops out of the ground. Press X repeatedly to make me wrap on the top of the coffin with my fucking fingernails falling off.

I guess Steve's tombstone would have a picture of the boy on it. I would have to have a picture of Brahms the boy. Just a little doll sitting on top of the fucking tombstone. Oh, that's what it is. Do you just have the fucking poppet? Like a little gargoyle to watch over you. No, it would be the hulking man that is actually really Brahms. Oh, I do not see it. Yeah, I'm like this seven foot dude.

I got hired to sit on Steve Sadex tombstone This is what I'm doing Better than the wall, I'll be honest I was hired to shit on his chest And I sat down and that's why he died That is the funniest part of that movie though It's like I didn't know this

The first movie is well alert for the boy And who cares But like the whole movie is the woman from Downtonabby or not down Nabbie She's on dead Lauren Conrad right? Is that name? Yeah

Cohen Is it Conrad or Cohen? I don't know. The woman from walking dead who played Maggie thinks that this fucking doll is alive, but the twist of the movie is, it's this huge hulking dude that lives in the walls. Yes. And he moves the doll around. That's amazing. Yeah, it kind of rules.

Should we do that as an episode? Maybe. I'd be into it. Steve will do a solo episode. It'll be four hours long. So is the second movie just like them dealing with that tall hulking guy? No, it's magic. Yeah. It's like magic is alive? Yes. Oh, see, that's. can't do that. Chris is correct, by the way. Lauren Cohan. Not Coen. Coen. Cohan. That's like a church of England, not Jewish, I think. Cohan, the barbarian.

So now Lauren, now October is doing a lot of research. She finds out about this old witch and you got to fucking put nails in her and you got to burn her blood, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, second detective guy goes to like a video game store. Oh, man. Like, dude, here's the thing. I know that you're job is to like run down leads you could just Google like stay a live video game and then see what happens yeah you don't need

to follow up at this like off brand game stop or whatever and this dude like behind the counter is all like oh well you don't game or whatever and this motherfucker's like well I haven't played video game since I was the greater Louisiana Kubert champion not too bad right there

I think that this scene only exists to service the dumbass like stinger at the end of the twist ending is really good but yeah so he just goes in there, this guy kind of runs him out. He's like, ha. But he calls Weddell Pierce. He's like, yeah, nothing.

No video game called Stay Alive that I could find. I just talked to one kid in a video game story. Yeah, really did his due diligence. Correcting a tweet from earlier, I said, Kohan, because she's English or whatever. She converted to Judaism at age five. There you go. Well, how about that?

Because her stepfather was Jewish. I just want to stop the tweet and correct the record. There you go. Did it. Did it up. And also, I like looking on my phone instead of talking about stay a last year. It's a tough one. I'm going to hang out on this phone for the rest of the show.

It's fine, Eric. It's fine. Hey, Eric, if you die in the tweet, you die for real. Oh, my God. Then I'm dead already. In the video game, the other detective gets like his face ripped open by something. You see it's like a weird something goes through the back of his character's head and then like extends out like opening a vice. And then there's like metal spider fingers in his mouth.

pretty fucking rad, whatever it is. But you don't see it in the movie. No, you see his Ford F-150 and he kind of like, you hear like a blah, and like the car sort of shakes a little bit, fuck you. And then they like make the windshield a little black. Like, oh, that's blood.

And who cares? Sucks. Because his detective dies now Wendell Pierce is looking for Hutch. He's good. He's like the number one suspect. He's fucking had it with Hutch, dude. He raids this dude's apartment and it's like October and swing are there and they have to like fucking high tail it out the back

or whatever. Wendell Pierce comes in. Actually, he's got kind of a cool line right here. He's like, toss the apart. I was like, fuck yeah. That's, fuck yeah, bunk. You tossed that apart. I think it's the last line he has at the movie, maybe. I think you're right, dude.

Because God, how do you just let this excellent actor just sashay away from this movie, dude? I can't even believe it. You pay him two grand a line and make sure it doesn't go over 10. You got fucking five sentences, Pierce. And so now they're like, okay, let's go in the safe house. And Sophia Bush gets killed here because she's just kind of smoking and wandering around. There's a great Frankie Minna's line where someone says something about like, well, where's October?

And he's like, don't worry about it. She's just outside smoking. I was like to say that is dead on. Where's Reese? And she was the other kid It was Reese Dewey Malcolm Dewey Yes yeah

Jesus Yeah He was the father And let's do it What was what's her face I think it was Lois Was it Lois? Might have been Lois

I think you Might be right there I watched a lot of that show But I don't remember any of it I did not watch much of it at all I remember liking it quite a bit That was a They might be Giants theme song

Life is I don't know I just It was something like that I remember life is unfair That's all Life is unfair You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.

It is Lois. There we go. And the theme song is? No, no, I'll look it up because I want to be on the phone. By all means. I don't want to go. I might actually. I kind of have to go.

We'll be over here working. We'll give you a knock on the door. That's fine. Thank you guys. Continue. She winds up going into the spooky house and she thinks that she's not playing the video game. She's going to be okay.

but oh and she finds the lady the red lady and she's like oh if I put nails in her I'm gonna get her she gets a nail gun you're gonna die bitch or she's like

shooting at the ghost and the ghost is like fuck you I'm a ghost I'm a video game lady what do you think you're gonna do unless those nails

are eight bit ooh that's a thing she gets hung upside down in her throat cut before she goes go fuck yourself which is

oh yeah you get your one F bomb it is they might be giant there you And I won a Grammy Award for Get This Category Best Song Written for Visual Media We got a Grammy for fucking anything

Just say best theme song That's what it means Look if you make an art installation in a museum And to make a song for it We're counted Around here somewhere And this is important Because it's I think it's before

Or no it's not Because it's Hutch talking to Abigail Yeah Oh LOWS And he finally decides to give the backstory because they're breaking into Milo Ventimilia's house for some reason. And he's like, well,

as we tried to burgle my dead friend's house, I'll give you the backstory here. Yeah, so what happened was my dad was a piece of shit and either the mother was having an affair or he thought she was having an affair and he decided to burn the house down. They got stuck inside. The mom died.

Hutch couldn't save her and the dad is in jail. And he's got some line where he's like, and when my father next sees the light of day he'll be 76 years old pretty crazy family and we get some flashbacks of the burning

because the kid is too scared to cross fire which makes a ton of sense but he keeps seeing like a Nintendo controller on fire or melting rather it's amazing he kept up

with gaming after some that's pretty dramatic I would love if Hutch was also like slowly planning like and let them in on it he's like yeah and he gets out when he's 76

and when he does I'm going to be there and I'm going to blow his head off. Oh, that would have been something. I've got a gun picked out just for it. I can't wait for the day. I'll be 47 when it happens. Our international listeners might remember this. UK singles chart,

peak position of 21. What for the Malcolm in the middle? Boss of me. Yeah. Wow. An Australian singles chart 29. And also charted in the Netherlands. But the Law and Order theme song charted at number two in the 90s for at least like five years. But I guess

this is saying it didn't, I guess it didn't get a lot of play in the United States because we were inundated with it with the TV show. In the United States we gave those motherfuckers triangle man and that was the last time the populace at large gave a shit about that. That was plenty. Yeah. I like

Oh, they have their call. Oh yeah. They can go for a while. I'm not a part of it. All right. Not bad band. I like but yeah so he he lets that information out then we also realize to kill a witch

you have to burn her blood guess what's gonna happen at the end of the movie folks I think it's my favorite line he tells his whole story because earlier in the movie somebody shows a blood or he goes and everyone's interesting

and then he tells Abigail this whole story and then she goes wow I guess that's why you're afraid of fire I was like yeah when my mom was burned to death by my dad kind of spooked by Flames.

What is his response, though, because he's like, I'm not scared of it. I hate it. Or like, I'm disgusted by it or something like that. It's like, so are you like gagging every time you turn a grill on? Are you just yelling at the fire? Also, are you Frankenstein's monster? Hodge! Hodge!

Hodge hate fire! Man, Frankenstein would do a better job with this movie. Oh, definitely. In this role. Like, this guy sucks. Get Carloff in here, dude. Get the fuck out of here, Ben, Foster's little brother.

The big important detail, though, is they get the address of whomever sent this dude. The developer, they call it. And it happens to be this plantation. And this is kind of the climax. Swink is realized on

the ride there, on the very long ride there, by the way. Yeah, like 15 minutes we're driving in this movie. I thought they were somewhere else and were coming to New Orleans. Because it's the first setting that actually looks like something from New Orleans. Because I wasn't recognizing

there are a couple of like city skylines. Apologies New Orleans. I did not recognize it. And like up until like around here I was like, where the fuck is this movie said? Somebody eat a po-boy for crying out loud. There's only like there's some line where Hutch says,

he says to Wendell Pierce's character, he's like, oh, I live uptown just off of magazine. Yeah. Maybe that's a real street. There's a magazine street and every fucking fucking city that ever has been. Do we have a magazine street here? I'm sure we do.

I don't know about that, but that gives me a chance to be on my phone. I don't think so. I'm helping you out to see. Eric, here. I'll just keep on letting them out.

This movie folks at home, this movie. There's a line though, too, it's so fucking bad because they real, this is where they realize the thing the game maybe told us already,

but they go, uh, if no one's playing the game, that means. And then someone else goes, the game's playing by itself. Then Frankie Munis is like, Well, I guess I'm the best gamer here.

I'm going to have to play the game by myself. All right. List of magazine streets. Oh, please don't. There's not one in New York City. The closest one is Newark, New Jersey. Okay. Obviously, New Orleans has one.

Okay. Cambridge, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts. Albany, New York. It's in New York. Podcast listeners around. Yeah, that's my magazine street. Yeah.

There's a magazine street. We love it. That's about it. Now it's just telling me, like, it's a magazine cafe. Oh, nobody cares. The thing that's dumb here is they realize that the house in the game is exactly the blueprint of the house that they're in. So then, like, Frankie Munez becomes, like, the dude who's navigating by playing the game and telling Hutch, like, where to walk and everything. Yeah.

That was, like, at least something. I guess that's a little interesting. It's the closest it gets to what it should be, which is them being pulled into the game. Yes. Yes, and she, Abigail, finds this wardrobe that's in the game earlier, that's like a secret pass that she goes in. And here in the movie is where you find the guy that made the game or the woman that made the game who's a witch herself.

Yeah, the architect. Exactly. Like, because then at least you're like, why did you do this? Because of this crazy reason. And then you've got a movie. Because you need souls for, you know, something. Counterpoint, do fucking nothing. Do counterpoint.

Do jack shit. She gets, like, scared, like, it's a room with all this, these notes and stuff, like, well, who does this room belong to? In IMDB, anyway, I didn't notice it in the actual, like, cast list when the credits were rolling in the film itself, but Alice Crege is credited as the author. Okay. But, like, I need, maybe it's in that magical 90-minute cut of me. I just need a little more of that, though. What most of what I remember is this, this girl Abigail, roaming in a black room for what has to be eight minutes. Yeah.

It's a lot of just roam in this house. And like, totally lost. Weird ghost babies are holding on to her, but you don't even really see the ghost babies. She sees the, I was laughing because it reminded me of that Seinfeld where Susan's got the doll that looks like George's mom. Because there's a doll that she finds that looks like the Alice Creege character that you've been seeing. Yes. And it's like, I don't know, pick one. Like, is it the doll or is it this woman because like, what, he just got a doll that looks like you?

so was this historical figure known for having little babies that ran around or Bathory or I don't know Either one I do not know You're the one dropping the names Well the name It seems like I mean if you're going to have someone Who's killing people in her house constantly in New Orleans

It sounds like Lurie to me Or fucking Anne Rice If it was Anne Rice she turned around like Hello Oh come in We'll have some weird sex and then I'll kill you. Oh, you're a vampire.

I have to slay you. I believe it was the real world New Orleans. They went on a tour of the haunted house. Oh, shit. Did they make it out alive? I think so. Cool. Yeah, like the Lurie House is a huge part.

Like, whenever you do those tours. Anne Rice's house. Anne Rice's house is also on the tour. Yeah, I think I did the one when I was there. I think probably we did the Lollary House. Oh, really? Yeah. I think so because we were, I don't remember a ton

because it was a drinking ghost tour of New Orleans and one of the stops was like the Absinthe Cafe was a small group of us and everyone the guy was like You fucking chasing the dragon Steve

The guy was like listen You're not gonna no one's gonna like absinth So just order one per couple And have a sip and then throw it in the garbage Then me and my wife were like Uh uh it's our honeymoon We're getting one each And because it's New Orleans

You can walk with your drink I we were both, like to have absin. Literally filled to the top in a fucking, in a, like, how big was the glass? It was like a normal sized little plastic cup. Just filled with absent?

Filled with absin. And I, we both drank the whole thing and man the hangover the next day. Oh my. Oh, gosh. Steve. Because I had to prove something to literally nobody.

You might have broken into the Leroy house. You proved it to the spirits. Yeah, they were like, this dude's way too drunk. We're not going to haunt this guy. he's not going to remember it whatever but so like now it's all happening and

she's getting assaulted by all these ghosts and Frankie Munez is telling Hutch how to get to her and at some point he's like I wish there was a crowbar and Frankie Mee says no problem and he throws a crowbar on the floor No it's it's worse than that I think though it's like he says something like

you're right Hutch is like I wish there was I had a crowbar or something and Frankie Muna's like looks in the game and sees one and goes try look into your left and there's one just there and it's like movie what do you do it and if they could affect the real world from the game there should be something like pulsating in the basement

like a computer system of some kind what it decides to do is instead there's this whole backyard of this plantation that's your classic New Orleans above ground cemetery with a massive tower in the middle of it and that's where this woman's body is hiding I would just have done a search for towers in New Orleans. I know it's going to be longer than most cities.

Let me, let me check that out. No, Jesus. But Frankie Vita is at this point, like, she starts to, she realizes that he's helping everybody. So now she's sending her carriage ghost after him. And he's like, bitch, I'm not even playing the game. You're cheating. Bitch.

He says, like, bitch, like four times. You're saying bitch a lot in this movie. He's also the one that's like, that's gay. This wristband looks gay. Oh, does he say gay. Oh, wow. The plaza tower, 45 stories. Yeah, not bad. That's not what this is. This is a fucking little torture tower. A residential tower.

All right, let me check. You only have a permit for a residential tower. That could be no more than four stories. How many corpses are you going to put in the tower? That's really what we need to know. The number of corpses are going to dictate how fucking wide this thing needs to be. How far is it from your curbside? That's also going to be a big thing here. he Frankie Moodis jumps out of the way of the carriage and I'm

I was a little annoyed like you can't have two carriage deaths in a movie folks what are we doing here yeah this isn't sleepy hollow but he like falls in a pile of roses but then in the game

it says game over and it shows him dead so you I was pissed I was like you didn't show me Frankie you the whole reason I'm here is to watch Frankie Munez die totally I've been watching

seven seasons of Malcolm in the middle waiting for this moment but you don't see him die and you assume he's dead just wrestles with some flowers Hutchin, what's her face go into the castle to kill the lady

they get separated by a door and she's... It's kind of a castle. It's part of a town. Yeah, yeah. She goes in and they get separated and she's like, you have to go on and kill the witch, I'll be fine here

or something's like, here take some roses. Yeah, here takes some roses. And she's just like screaming, like ready to face death and like going to ape shit. Like, I don't care about you. No, I don't care. Get killed.

I don't give a fuck. Yeah, and then some nerd comes to her place trying to torture her. It's not the countess. No, it's just some other guy. Quick thing, though, about the two of them being separated by this door and he's giving her the rose petals or whatever

is like, I mean, I was pretty dumbfounded by this. You see this? She's like kissing his fingers through the door window. What is that about? This whole movie, she's just like, I'm sexy.

And it's like, I guess so, but now's not the time for it. Totally. No, because we went over. We mentioned it earlier, but we went over in the car. Yes. She confesses to Hutch that she was not friends with Loomis or Newmerall. She's living in her van and just randomly was taking pictures at the grave site. You're right.

Because she's like, oh, my dad isn't whatever and my mom doesn't teach kindergarten. I don't live in a whatever house. I'm just kind of a homeless creep who likes taking pictures and cemeteries. Also, living in a van down by the river. And now that I've got Hutch on here, I can lay some ground. Maybe I got a bed tonight. Exactly. If I kiss his fingers.

You're totally right because it is fucking hilarious because they're driving. She's driving the van girl. You want to eat tonight? Kiss my fingers. Oh, you know, maybe if I kiss his fingers, I can maybe meet his brother. Hutch goes, oh, so that means your van is. And she's like, that's right. I'm living here.

I'm a Tracy Chapman's song Sorry I'm in a video game Every day I'm a video game And I got a kiss his fingers That's the only way we're going to get out of here I got a kiss his finger Talk about a video game now

Yeah So whatever You got a fast car eat a mushroom It'll go even faster Ask your grandparents To get a fast car Throwing red turtle shells out of it

Oh Hii I have a feeling that Bowser's gonna win Ha he I He's gonna win He's gonna win He deserves it Why does she's like Eating these rose pillows at one point

Is she eating them? I mean, listen, I made a note that said Abigail stupidly ate the petals. I made a note that it looks like Homer Simpson visiting that brewery writing a note to March. Whoa, five dollars. I'm like looking at these notes. Only these don't make sense. You can't eat rose petals. I don't remember that.

One note says burn her. Is that good? I think she's throwing them on the floor and they burn for some reason. Okay. And long story short, Hutch nails this lady three times where he's supposed to. And then what is the only thing close to a scare when he's about to leave the room? She sits up. She does a solid like Mike Myers sit up. Because it's fucking Alice

Kreege doing it, dude. Yep. Alice Kreege goes to a restaurant and she's like, why is it anyone? No one's going to serve you because you're far too scary. Oh, that Arlo Guthrie song, Alice's restaurant. Alice is restaurant. Look, I hate to do this, but if you don't serve me, I'm going to haunt you. She can't get anything she wants

at Alice Crease's restaurant. She looked like a dead ghost. No, no, you will see me in your mirror if you don't get me some stupid. Ma'am, we're not going to serve you this clam chowder until you take those horrific shark contacts out of your eyes. Those are my natural

eyes. I am a ghost, you see. Yeah, all ghosts have these eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She bolts up. It's kind of scary. She takes the nails out. It's like, oh, my God. He realized, he knocks over an oil lamp, but guess what he has to do, folks? He burns her. And Frankie Boutam, bum, bum, bum.

And Frankie Boutis comes up because he's, like, too scared to leave because of fire. And Frankie's like, come out of you. Let's go, man. Dude, it's so dumb. And it's fucking hilarious because this dude, Hutch is just screaming stuck in this fire. Oh, it's funny. Like Frankenstein. And he escapes.

And that's kind of the end of the movie, except, uh, this makes no, I mean, like one, you know, horror movies, obviously like usually it's like, oh, we thought we defeated the witch,

but we didn't. Yeah. That's usually the twist ending. Which is this. But then who is distributing this game? Jeremy! Absolutely would have to be the trickster. There's got to be some fucking assistant that's mailing this.

And here's the thing, too. I mean, like, It appears as if there's been a whole advertising campaign design because they already have, like, the boxes up on the shelves, like get this game. Cover of Game Informer, baby. Oh, that's right. So what is Game Informer? So Game Informer, the offices got this game. Everyone who played it died.

And then they were like fucking five out of five stars. You know, this might actually solve our gamer problem here in the U.S. Well, one and four is addicted, Eric. Yeah. So if we can get rid of at least one and four. I would just love every company, like all these video game companies, like, because at the beginning, they're like a voice contact technology. They don't have that. You can't like voice command into the video game to say the thing at the beginning that makes it a ghost thing. Every video game coming to be like, yeah, we do have that. Yeah, it works beautifully. The PlayStation has that. We haven't made any other games with that technology on it. But this one does.

Well, you know, as far as I'm, I've observed casual. on Twitter and whatnot, because I don't really read video game reviews. But like, from what I've noticed, these companies that run these like games media things or whatever are all run by total fucking monster pieces of shit. So like, it

stands to reason that they'd be like, oh yeah, this game that fucking kills kids, whatever, let's write a fucking 10 star review. I would give a 10 stars. But that your reporter, it's like that documentary now, the vice one where everyone keeps dying. Literally, everyone, you said

review this game dies. It's a very scary game. The all Idy aller. It's the guy from the beginning, from the other video game scene. It's just like, oh yeah. And he puts it into a PlayStation 2. Yep. And everyone starts

reciting the prayer. And it's like, oh, my God. She's going to be everywhere. It's a way lame version of the end of Halloween 3. It is. Now, it's like, I guess we saw earlier that the game won't even start until you, you say the prayer. But like,

is that ever explicitly said in the game materials or just people like plugging it in? I forgot to read the booklet that came. I definitely, the game's broken. Yeah, yeah, I would save your life.

It would save my life, my laziness. Well, it's like what that switch to controller thing you have to do in a solid snake. Yes, in a Metal Gear Solid. Pardon me? You're fighting somebody who knows all your moves

and the way to beat him is you have to put it in, the controller into the second port and then he doesn't know your moves and you kill him oh Jesus that's pretty stupid man kind of rules

it's kind of it's really interesting was that like did it take people a long time to figure out oh yeah it was just what is how the fuck do you beat this guy

and what fucking person figured it out like what a thing oh I'm a viewer hutch did and Adam Goldberg was very appreciative the website

Hutch and Loomis broke it oh sure I just yeah but who is she's got a marketing department apparently this old witch.

She's got a whole fucking distribution. It's called generational wealth. Oh man. And that's the end of this fucking dumb as donkey dick motion picture. We'll go around the horn here. Steve, what are we thinking?

I think it's a recommend. You know what? Of course I do it. You know why? Because it's dumb as donkey dick. It is literally as dumb. I'm not saying it's a good movie. It is a terrible movie. There are so many clunkers of lines. Actors don't know. what they're doing. It is poorly edited. It looks like shit. Please give this movie a spin. Chris Cabin. Well, I don't like donkey dick. So I'm going to say no. I'm going to say... Put that on

your fucking tombstone. Chris Cabin. Did not like donkey Dick. Did not like doggy Dick. What likes horse dick instead? Hose dick. I love. No dog. Look, just the adult kind of dick. Not the donkey dick. Don't like pony dick neither. Uh, yeah, I didn't like this at all. I didn't like the cast. Was that the, uh, the Deftones B. record was a pony dick. Pony Dick. I think that was also a rejected line from CryMancho. Yeah, I don't like pony dick either.

Horstich's great, though. But yeah, big no for me. Yeah. One of the worst we've ever done. Enter the Pantheon. Only the 88th time we've said that. It's irredeemable. I don't like it. I would say

no. But I guess if you're watching, if you do like a marathon situation. Yeah. And maybe this is like the bathroom movie totally you know in the rotation ordering the pizza exactly sure sure yeah I would say it's a big no and here's the thing I'm not

averse to stupid movies of course but my beef here if I'm gonna watch something this fucking dumb you better be showing me these kills yeah that's true I can't take fucking censored and stupid how about some nodity too yeah sure right

some what nudity I said it weird for some reason. I don't know what's going on. I'm out scrambled. I know this is you know, but I would like to remember it too. It would be to be able to remember any part of it. I'm struggling as is. Listen, you gotta

you gotta. You gotta figure out a better title. I just could not remember it. It was insane. It is tough. I don't know. I mean, you're not going to call it like the video game killer or something. No. There's got, and here's the other thing. This is the video screen.

Come on. Kill screen. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Here's the thing. Also, don't watch this movie. Watch fucking the trickster. Brain scan. Brainscan. Brain scan. Brain scan is a better version of this.

Great movie. Previous episode, we covered it before. A lot of fun. Yeah. We'll give that a spin as well. Yeah, I do think it's a much better. That's a much better film. Yeah.

Also, it's a capital of field. I just realized that movie also, the video game footage in that movie is just footage of real life. Which makes sense? Yeah. And it's all POV. Yeah. And you got Eddie Furlong. instead of Frankie Munes. They kind of sound the same.

And Frank Glenn Gellow, man. Ooh, that's right. That's the other thing is you got some folks in that motion picture. Not a ton. Ben Foster's fucking brother. Yikes, man. But that is the end of Stay Alive and our conversation about it. It's from Odd Six directed by William Brent Bell.

Catch his next one. Orphan First Kill. We'll be first in line in theaters. Steve will be there. Whatever screening you go to. Say hi to Steve when you see him at the theater. In the one theater playing it. And as always, of course, there's more content over on our Patreon, patreon. Patreon.com slash we ate movies. We have a very spectacular edition of We Love Movies Out

that is all about the most excellent an American werewolf in London. We got an AD comment about Doug's Halloween adventures. Remember Doug from the 1990s? We also got the prowler commentary either out or coming out very shortly. Coming down the pikeman, absolutely. Do not forget what is more scarier in time for Halloween, then bureaucracy, Chancellor Valorum

on the Gleap Gloucery Side Show, where I read about Star Wars characters of these guys. And we even got a very spooky once-on-a-lifetime dropping this month. Oh, the devil's diary. You got to hear this episode. And also apologies to all of our Canadian

fans who listen to that episode because it's the most Canadian movie I've ever seen. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's dripping in maple syrup. A lot of Tim Horton Jags. Oh, yeah. I recall. But as always here on the main feed, the show continues. The spooktacular continues next week. Steve, I believe if I'm correct this time, we got some friends coming by the clubhouse. We do to the spectacular finale of 2021. Fuck, I just can't keep track of these weeks, man. It's over already. Unbelievable. And we have James and Chelsea from Dead Meat coming on. It's going to be super exciting. That's right. To talk about Lepricon, the OG. That's right. I mean, I'm, I'm,

I'm excited to revisit. Not really. I'm sort of excited to revisit this movie. A little bit. You got the Lepricon. You got Darn-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-A-N-A-A-N-A-A-N-A-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A. I'm more excited just to hang out with James and Chelsea.

Yeah, they're our good friends from Dead Mead. And maybe we'll just talk to them and see how everything's going. Yeah, just, you know, see what they're up to out in L.A. Just catch up. That's right. But in some form or another, we will be talking about the film Leprecon. Next week on the program, and we welcome our friends from Dead Meat on the show.

Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare.

Sometimes. That is matter. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicterland. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies.

Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos for creators. Put the fucking loser in the bad. It was an excellent day for an exorcism. That was a Headgum podcast.