We Hate Movies - S12 Ep580: Taken (Live in Chicago)

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Recorded October 14, 2021 at Zanie's, Chicago, IL On this week's episode, we're bringing you one of the nights from our recent October run of shows: Taken live in Chicago! Does Liam Neeson dream in VHS quality? Why don't these rich kids just take a car service? And what 17 year-old girl plots to follow U2 around Europe... in 2008? PLUS: Just in time for the holiday season, give the gift that shows your care—a gift card to Zappers!  Taken stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Leland Orser, Jon Gries, Holly Valance, Olivier Rabourdin, Arben Bajraktaraj, and Xander Berkeley as Stuart; directed by Pierre Morel. Be sure to catch WHM's last show of the year in Brooklyn on December 9th! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

POMAYOR. POMAYOR. We're going to be able to be. Is this thing working? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're having things. Hello.

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit, Chicago, what is happening? Hi, everybody. We have taken the stage. Oh, there you go. More of that. This is a little weird, no? Yeah.

We're back. We're doing shit in front of people. Give yourselves a round of applause, God damn it. Here's the thing. We weren't sure how any of this was going to go. And I got to say, Chicago, you kick fucking ass. Look at you all. Yes.

We want to thank you for taking the vaccine. Seriously, seriously, thank you for being responsible and not assholes. It's very nice. Very nice of you. They've taken my daughter and they started giving her this vaccine. Now she's got 5G swimming around in her system. Her arms are biggest magnets now. Now she's safe in an HG hotspot.

I took the vaccine and I just start pissing my pants whenever I drink. do that guy that guy in the trailer peas his pants in public an awful lot quite a lot it seems I think he thinks nobody notices in the pictures he doesn't seem to

he just seems like hey because he doesn't know where the fuck he is at any given time he's blackout drunk this is a real thing you can Google it he just

when he needs to go he needs to go and he goes and I think it's admirable see well no I don't even think it's that I think he's an early zipper I think he starts pissing

So does he like cut the scrote? Not cut the, that's not blood, Eric. I mean, he's just got like five seconds more of piss than you usually would have before you zip up. And that's where it all comes from. If you say so. I think so. I've thought about this a lot.

Early zipper, ladies and gentlemen. He's zipping so early, he's pissing in his pants. He's very busy because he's an early zipper. Who is that? I got nothing. Is this some like old 1970s tell me? Yeah, yeah. Kind of almost a Johnny Carson.

Oh, right. Almost. If he had a small, like small, you know, testicles, call him a squirrel nut zipper. Holy shit. Yes. I'm going to go yes on that one. Yeah.

All right. All right, you want to see if we can do this? Yeah, give a shot. It's been a couple years. Last night worked out. All right. Let's do it. Ready?

My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Steven Sadek. And we are we hate movies from New York City. Thank you for coming out, Chicago. Thank you, everybody.

The pretzels are being served. Look at that. Love that shit. Tip generously, by the way. These are tough times, folks. Tip generously. Now, the film in question, as you saw, taken from the year 2008.

And boy, can you fucking smell it with this movie. It's always nice to be back in Chicago. It's also always nice to watch a Liam Nees, movie? Because you go through the filmography and be like, what's that? 17 movies in three years? How's that possible? Dude is the king of secret movies. One of them is called unknown. They don't even know what the movie is.

No, dude, you know what that was? That was like, oh, hey, director of that movie, we got the poster printed and he was like, the poster for what? And he was like, the movie that we're making with Liam Neeson, where they have the secret corn formula. And he's like, but we didn't decide on a title yet. And then the dude unrolled the poster. It just said unknown, and they had to go with it. Yeah, there was two, it was unknown, or we'll figure it out later. And it was, we'll figure it out later.

It just was too many words on a poster. If you kidnapped my daughter, we'll figure it out. It totally still works. Oh, yeah, we'll be figuring it out later when we walk amongst the tombstones. Or when I'm driving a fucking snowplower. What was that one? What was that one called? I forgot.

Cold pursuit? Yes. Is that right? No, is that right? I think he might be right. Thank you. Liam Neeson's biographer right here in the front row. That's excellent.

Thank you for coming out. I'm happy to have you on hand. You know about the pissing, right? You're going to leave the pissing out of me book, right? 2008, this is a very, like, obviously the world was changing, not as fast as it should. But it's a very George W. Bush kind of era terrorism movie. Of course it is. Yeah, oh, yeah.

The whole movie is, you better not leave him. American soil. Look what's gonna happen to all the pretty girls if you leave American soil. We were just like millimeters away from a freedom fries joke in this movie.

Just anywhere could have gone. Yeah, he, and it's obviously there's like torture going on and it's like, we're in the audience, like yeah, he did it. He got the bad guy. Yeah. Zapping balls, loving it. I love it movies when they zap balls

and I remember about all the shit. Yeah, all the balls zapped along the way. A lot of those are a porn hub or? Yeah, that's the extreme tab. Yeah. Zappas.

Yeah. Oh, the Zapp tap. I like that. I don't go to browsers. I go to Zappers. It's a different site all altogether. It's all exclusively standard

deaf videos. The audio is all out of sync on everyone, but it's on purpose. Zappers is a literal brick and mortar porn website. Like, you have to actually drive there and go inside. Welcome to Zappers.

We have standard definition pornography. We make the tapes out back if you'd like to see one be made. Or star in one. My wife, Inger, sits in the back and dubs all the porno tapes. She's also the talent scout for the group.

Yeah, you can find us at WWW Rural Route 9 up the road past the gas station. Dot com. Sadly, Zappers is going out of business. Thanks a lot, pandemic, and internet pornography. So this movie starts with a videotape of a birthday party.

Right. And it's all VHS. It looks like there's going to be tracking problems. And then all of a sudden, Liam Neeson bolts away. You're telling me this kid's dead. If this is how it's opening, it's a bunch of little kids and then he wakes up and I'm like, oh, so he's dead. And he's going to go kill the guys who are killer. No, no, no, she's alive. Somehow. She's alive.

And also, he's dreaming in VHS quality. Which is the dumbest thing. He wakes up and there's no TV on. No, it's just him in his sad, sick, loner apartment, cold Chinese food everywhere. I want to see that video of Kim's first birthday again. Better put it into my chest vagina video drone stuff. Dude, remake video drone with Liam Neeson. Absolutely.

That'd be something. and get that fucking James whatever stink off at Woods. C.G.I. Chess vaginas, I don't know. Practical effects are bust. You're talking about, yeah, going from James Woods to Liam Neeson, both on the low end of nice people. Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. I suppose.

Neither of which a cool dude. Nary a cool dude to be found at that party. But for Liam Neeson, I mean, if you're a Central Park, a handsome cab driver. He loves your ass. Oh, sure. For you to the death. Fuck those horses.

That's a business. Maybe that didn't like get out of New York City, but there was a thing where like our mayor when he got elected was like, you know what we should probably not have is that heinous handsome cab shit. Those poor horses are getting abused. And everybody was like, you know what? You're right.

That makes total sense. Except Liam Neeson, who was crusading that these guys were going to lose their jobs and fucked the horses you can always make more fuck the horses yes yeah not like not how you're thinking of it oh all right

I guess I was at zappers still I would like to announce that for some reason Liam Neeson is now the head of the union for the handsome cab riders of New York City we need representation dude that listen if he and maybe it'll even happen he's going to make a movie

where he is a handsome cab driver and he's like whipping a horse through Central Park chasing somebody they've taken my horse. It should just be the horse chase scene from true lies. Yes. With Liam out there.

Two hours of that. Go ahead. Call out any glue factories you happen to see. Look around for anyone having a picnic playing harsh shoes. But yeah, he's dreaming in VHS. He fast forwards through the trailers and he wakes up and he sees that.

And I guess so he, we find out he's like an ex-CIA guy. and he's moved back to L.A. to be close to his daughter. He's retired from the CIA and like he's living in like a lone gunman shack. He's going to this like hardware store or wherever he buys this fucking karaoke machine. Dude, I thought. On a weekly basis like he's on layaway.

Dude, this is what it is. Dude, I think. 170 bucks at most, I guarantee you. I think he's doing research at a pawn shop. Okay. I had me eye on this karaoke coming. Gonna buy it for me, daughter's birthday. Here you go, Kimmy.

There's only a little blood on this karaoke machine. It was used in a family annihilation, but I swear, it's like new. The CD player's broken, but you can hook an auxiliary cable and play whatever you want. Just ignore that little sticker that says property of Chris Benoit. Oh, my God. It hasn't even been 15 minutes. What he did they play? It's simply the best.

He annihilated his family more than 15 minutes ago. No, no, I'm saying. We're not arguing that fact, Eric. Look, we know the family is dead in the ground for a long time, but I'm saying we haven't been on stage 15 minutes. You're already talking about a family tragedy.

That was the 15 minutes I was referring. They like it. I love the guy at the pawn shop who's just like, hey man, if I charged you like 10 bucks every time you came into research this karaoke machine you would have owned it five times over what are you fucking it's a karaoke machine

I'm not selling a fucking car here it's not worth my time to tell you about the karaoke machine on a weekly basis regularly yeah he comes in and he's just like oh fuck again okay yes yes sir the CD player is still a six disc changer I haven't taken any away I haven't added any more

discs it's a six disc changer And this is a piece of shit for a former CIA agent who should have, you know, all these accounts and God knows where. It's this piece of shit. And they, this salesman has got him believing like, oh, yeah, this Gwen Stefani uses this one. Blake Shelton loves it. All the other people. Yeah, it's $50. They just like the design.

Yeah, Elvis practiced on this. That is a weird thing, right? Because he's like, my daughter wants to be a singer. So you're buying a karaoke machine so he can practice, I get. This is a bad birthday present. It's a bad gift. He brings it to her and Maggie Grace

is like 25 when this movie is, it's like she's supposed to be 17 but she's playing it like she's nine and a half years old. Yeah. Daddy, oh my God! Dude, they even have her run. You know when like little kids run and it's like

they haven't been using their legs for that long? You know what I mean? like she's kind of doing that and like swinging her fucking elbows it's like where did you learn to run they are dressing her in rompers with hearts in unicorns on it she's 25 that's that's how the family and islanders can catch them so fast you're not playing scout on broadway for fucking to kill a mockingbird you know what i mean like the camera can see that you're 25 she's dressed like strawberry shortcake

through the whole, like, beginning of this movie. Speaking of Broadway, I'm shocked we haven't seen, like, taken the musical yet. Ooh, I like that. You're getting taken. Call out any tattoos you see. I have a very special set of skills. Yes, dude, totally. And that's the song, like, his hero's journey song.

Yeah. I can see this happening. And now I'm shooting your wife. It's just a flesh wound. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, see? Oh, yes, my wife sucks. Oh, yes, my ex-wife sucks.

Dude, he hates Famke Jansen in this movie. Something fierce, huh? Holy moly. But I bet his best memories of her in VHS mind, right? They're probably all tracking errors, and it's like, you can't... I can't see my wife how I remembered her. Oh, fuck, I taped over it with a couple of them X-Man movies using. And oh, now what's this now?

A baseball game? Oh, look. Some pornography from Zappers got in here. I even taped the one with the blob in it. I hated this movie. What the hell's wrong with me? And, you know, he brings her... The idea is it's a divorced guy fairy tale, this film.

And... Because it's like the whole thing is like his... Fangio Janssen, Smoke Show, obviously, ex-wife, but also a cold bitch and she's married to Zender Berkeley and he's like the richest man

in the world. Yeah. Yeah, dude, this is like if Bezos wasn't totally bald. If Bezos was kind of hot. Yeah, totally. Yeah, no, yeah. Speaking of smoke shows, Zander Berkeley in this movie. You know, taken four

they should go to space. We're taking off. Wow, I slid it. it right in. You know what? Goes to show you, folks. Sometimes you just got to go with your gut. Okay. You never know. Take a fucking chance. Okay, Kimmy, you're in space now and you're about to be taken by the aliens. Call out, call out the color of goop, you see.

I'm sorry, are we saying allians? I'm from Ireland. And that's how they say it. It's true. Call out the, are they gray aliens? I love the Michael Man boxing biopic. Aliens with Will Smyth So he's got this shit

karaoke machine and like she's like oh thanks daddy and like gives him a heart We gotta say hang on though It's at like this compound Of course There's like this security guard Who's like uh

Are you on the guest list for this teen's birthday party And he's like I'm our fucking father And then this guy's like I work for for her father? And dude, this is something you never want to hear from Liam Nees and he gets right in this dude's face

and he's like, I'm a real father. Ooh, shit. That dude just got some new information at work today. That's what that was. Zander Berkeley's going around like, yeah, I sired that shit. Yeah, Zander Berkeley's got a horse house

and another house for the party. You can go to one or the other. We generally call them stables, not a horse house. that is a horse house it's bigger than a stable oh got it two stories so does the horse have its own pool

yeah of course seven horses picked to live in a house when horse house yeah so the horses stop being fake and start being real this show's getting haywire yeah see sometimes it's also good to not take chances so you know it's 50-50

sometimes you'll just fuck yourself it's a bouncing act but like famous jams is like oh, you know, she stopped wanting to sing when she was nine, you idiot. And she's like, she's an adult now. And she's like, Daddy, a pony. Like, she literally, like, moves from the bad karaoke machine. And, like, it's not like, oh, he bought her a new car.

Or maybe he bought her the trip to Paris. Or, like, something a 17-year-old girl would actually like, but no, it's a pony. Dude, and she even climbs. This is a grown-ass woman. Yes. Climes on this horse, like, eh, eh, eh, ah. Xander Berkeley's got that great line

after he presents this horse and he's just like, hey, Brian. Want to stick around? A little better than a karaoke machine. Wow, that gift looks like real shit. Is that a karaoke machine made of a horse? This one is. Oh, you know, it just comes out.

You know, I told Rosa not to leave her garbage on the lawn. Oh, is this your, oh, no, it's your gift. Oh, awesome, Brian. Wow. didn't want to get her voice lessons or anything just a karaoke boy okay I just

I will go to my grave not understanding this decision for a birthday present it just is dumb and he winds up going to he's having a sad night and his boys come you know when the boys come in

with you and your boys that did terror across the nation you and the old boys are back tell the old terrorist story talking about all the old days man fucking pulling fingernails off and waterboarding. It's a B, B, B, B, Q. The extra B is for Blackwater.

Remember them? They're still around. Blackwater, remember, Paul? Yeah, da-da-da-na. You should do some more early aught stuff, huh? Of course. And then they're doing the thing that like bros do, which is like, oh, man, you know, your daughter doesn't love you.

Forget her, dude. Come back and do more torture with us, bro. We'll go back on the room. Remember the good old days? You know, Liam Neeson, I didn't want to say anything, man, but I was at that birthday party, and it looks like your daughter never learned to run properly. Why don't you come back and be a terrorist with us?

I mean, terrorist interrogate. Well, no. You know, I was stabbing a 15-year-old in the eye the other day, and blood spurted in my mouth, and I was like, where is Brian for this? Brian would love this. Brian, was it weird attending a birthday party and not bombing it? I've never been on the other side of it.

You know what I mean? I've always been the one bombing the birthday party. Apparently, he got in trouble because he left an assignment, probably bombing a birthday, to attend his daughter's birthday around the world. And he got demoted, and then he retired, I guess, in disgrace. All because you absolutely had to attend a different birthday party. Showing emotion is a big problem in that organization. He has to face Rumsfeld.

after he's like, this is why we didn't give you Guantanamo, okay? You're just not up for the job. You're running off to birthday parties all the time. Oh, Guantanamo would have been a great gig. I'm a fiend for Mahitos. Yeah, just, oh man,

just a couple of miles from Miami. The family could come visit. We do Disney World. I work on Guantanamo on the weekends. I could wrap birthday presents so well because I used to wrap exploding cigars that I would deliver to Fidel Castro. Dude, that is a special set of skills that is unadvertised in this movie.

His present rapping ability. So good, right? Holy fuck. Did you, anyone watch the movie beforehand? The intricate birthday rapping? Oh, my God. That's why they're so good at bombing stuff because it looks like a real present. When I rap with something, it looks like a bomb.

Just soft corners. Oh, the softest of corners. Just like me. Dude, I rap a birthday present or a Christmas gift or something It looks like I left it in the fucking washing machine No, and then my like handwriting comes to play as well And it looks like, remember when Jack Nicholson as the Joker Wrote to Kim Basinger gave her a present?

It says, urgent on it and like the R is backwards. That's what my handwriting looks like. Happy birthday, my wife. You're also labeling it with red lipstick too. Exactly. Joker was doing. And I always forget her name, so I write, My Wife.

My Wife. Happy birthday, my wife. I take you, my wife, to be my wife. Dude, also, Famke Jansen's name in this movie is Lenore. Mm-hmm. So me lost Lenore, me ex-fucking wife. Oh, never more, I guess. I shall live in Lenore's house, never more.

this sad fucker but he keeps calling her Lenny I guess that's what she was in the old days yeah the fucking party days oh yeah dude the torture days she used to be a really big Simpsons fan but that just faded away so these friends are

what she used to call them Carl is I'm saying all right so you got Leland Orser is one of these friends he's the guy who is in seven with the nived to dildo, of course, you'll remember.

And I did. I did. He told me the fucker. You could see the uncut version of that at Zappers, I think. Yeah, Fincher cut it out, but Zappers put it right back in. That's our biggest sheller right there. And they convinced him to take, they're like, look, man,

all right, we get it. You maybe don't want to, like, pull off fingernails anymore. Waterboarding, you don't have the heart in it. But look, $2,500 to basically be like a bodyguard at a concert for like a Britney Spears-esque or like a Shakira type performer and he's ready to wet his whistle because an assassin

is lurking in the shadows of this fucking arena. The woman the artist's name is Shira by the way, like honest to goodness Shira no one and her big hit I have the power Yes. Oh yeah she's opening for the masters of the universe

he man and everybody's going to be there oh fuck Orko's not on tonight playing bass, what happened? If those were real guys, you would definitely go watch them, right? Oh, my God, yeah, the mass of the universe playing a band?

I guess it would be kind of like Guar or something. Yeah, like a Skeletor situation. Oh, no, I thought you meant like literally like the monsters from that cartoon. Yeah, yeah. No, but like if it's Guar, it's like dudes and costumes and whatnot. What if they were real? Shit, dude, I think that's a Liam Neeson movie right there.

Man at Arms definitely playing the drums for sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think Krull was that movie. He's in Kroll. Oh, that's right. of course. Great movie. Yeah, better than this.

That's true. We'll get there. Thanks for the tip. By the way, the request lines are open. By the that, I mean, just shout shit out. Please, any time. We were joking. We were joking.

That's enough of that. So, like, but he's like, yeah, you know, all you have to do is walk this pop artist from here to there. goes, and she's like warming up, and he does the thing a fucking bodyguard is not supposed to do. He's just standing there, watching the door,

he's like, you've got a beautiful voice, and she's like, fuck. God damn. I got one of these guys. We got a jerk off her here. We got a jerk off her here. No, no, no. Could you give my daughter a million dollars? Exactly. Could you make her career? See, that's the thing.

It's one thing where she's, because she's just doing like some warm-ups, you know, doing some scales. And that's when he makes the comment about your beautiful advice and she's like alright pervert whatever but then like this woman is going like she's playing the fucking Staples Center like this is a big gig right and she's going to walk out

of the dressing room and he's like really quickly my daughter wants to be a singer any tips and she's like yeah here's a tip shut the fuck up I'm working right now do you happen to have a record contract on you I could just borrow it for a minute before you get on stage can I get your head

real quick I know you're in one mode right now can I just fuck that up really quickly. After the show, could you teach me an instrument? By the way, it's important to underline all this focusing on singing, Maggie Grace doesn't sing a single note in this whole movie. It's bullshit. Well, they're just trying to make her not kidnap me in this movie. They like, they like kind of

bookend it with like anything and that's what this is, I guess. They're trying to contextualize her as a real person. But then you wouldn't call your movie taken. That sounds like an object was stolen. Yeah, exactly. It's not. not kidnapped it's not abducted no oh you're taking my property yeah that belongs to me it was that taylor lawton yeah i did not see it did anyone see abducted big fan of abducted right there wow look at that so what's that it's like taken but he's like a werewolf that's his special set of skills that exactly you got it dead on right there nice all right he's abducted by alians Ali is I'm not getting

I don't know why I'm saying it but I like it It hits it right It hits my ear really well And so like whatever She's like fuck off And she's like you know yes I find a new career And he's like wow

These pop stars are not like us At least when I'm torturing terrorists They're not talking back like this I bet they're great singers too When you really get like the juice is flowing, you know, electroads. Sure. Sure. And whatever, she

like, you know, she does her thing. Maggie Grace calls him like, hey, I want to meet you tomorrow, just you and me. And he's like, oh, daddy daughter, date. I'm really excited about this. Now, quick, Kimmy, before I hang up the phone, you're not going to sandbag me and secretly bring your fucking mother, are you?

Before that... I better change my tape before that lunch so I could remember it at VHS. You won't believe it, boys. I have a a date with my daughter friend tomorrow. And they're all like, oh, that's great, man. That's really cool, dude. Well, it's hilarious because they've gone five minutes without doing something

manly, so they all have to go to a side room to play poker in the middle of all this and just like hash it out between them. It's your standard, like, where all these like X-whatever's talking about the old days in South America toppling governments and whatnot. Don't you ever miss Eric Prince, man? He threw the best parties. His sister fucking sucks, though. Former Secretary of Education jokes.

But yeah, as he's walking her out, we do like three minutes of the bodyguard for no reason. There's this guy with a knife. What is this guy's story? I want his movie. I want this movie. I want, like, it was the Taken Special Edition DVD and it's a side movie,

which is this dude and his motivations leading up to this failed to see. assassination attempt. Also, like, what are we doing? I saw the preview. I'm in the theater because of the special set of skills. I don't need it teased out like this. This guy just comes out around the corner

with a fucking switch army knife. Like, hey, Oswald! He dismantles this guy. It's nice. Instantly. It's kind of hilarious. And now she's like, well, I guess I was a jerk when I was kind of rude to you before and then you saved my life. Hey, you know, I'll get your daughter vocal lessons.

Or, like, she can meet my vocal coach and see what he says. What we got there. We're not going to give you anything to judge. She's not going to sing a funk of note. But it will happen. It'll happen later. And now he's like, oh, I've got a real birthday present.

Stewart can sit and fucking spin. I got Shira's vocal coach. Better than a fucking horse. Let's see that fucking horse teacher to sing, eh, horse? Nay. Yeah, Stuart's. Skeletor took me out during the last set, you know. So he gets sandbagged at this diner because in walks Lenore and it's this whole,

like he thinks he's there for like just a nice lunch, you know, get rid of the, you know, the Xander Berkeleyness of it all. Nope, this is a daddy, can I go to Paris conversation? Ooh, this is awkward. This dude is getting sandbagged. Oh, man. And she's like, oh, you know, I want to go to Paris to see art. And he's like, why would you want to see art?

you got the fucking internet look it up on Google and he's like well I'm not very comfortable you know what hey oh it's just yeah it's me I'm gonna go it's me and Amanda

or my friend who's two years old she's 19 and then like her cousins are gonna be there like all right how about a compromise how about I go to

and you won't notice I'm there you're a redwood tree of course I'm gonna notice you but no this is this is where he slips up you're usually covered in blood yes we're going to notice But this is where he slips up

because all he has to do is be like, yes, okay, you can definitely go to Paris. And then use all your super spy shit to follow her. Don't ask permission to spy on somebody. Just spy on somebody. Yeah, totally. And, you know, Famca Jansen, he says no,

Famke Jansen starts twisting the screws, which is just sort of like, hey, remember when you ruined my life? Well, you're missing. Maggie Grace starts crying and weeping, holds her care bear, and runs out. of the restaurant. Dude, that's the other thing, though.

Like, it's not just her fault because Liam Neeson's like, oh, yeah, here's your raspberry banana milkshake extra sprinkles or whatever. And I'm like, she can fucking vote. And when you're done with your milkshake, I'll help you change your diapers. Do you want to go to KB toys after this?

Ooh. No, I want to go to Paris, Dublo, and have sex. That's what, that's the trip I'd like. so he comes to the house afterwards and agrees you know this can happen to have some rules though you got to call me when you're there is one I need the phone number of these people yeah I want to call me when you land

it's your classic dad move which no one ever does yeah I don't know of course not because it's just it's such a schlep getting off the plane and going through the airport I'll call you when I get to the fucking hotel okay oh yeah the airport it's so terrible going through an airport plus you know

these taxis are so expensive Dude. Would you like to share? They meet this guy. I don't know what this accent is on Peter. He's trying a bunch of things at once, maybe. I looked him up and he's supposedly French, but it's like a boorat type of amalgamation. Yeah, it is weird. It's weird when Maggie Grace walked up and he was there taking a picture of her with the cell phone and went very nice. He's like all of Europe is one guy. Yeah. He went to the accent soda machine and put every kind in one cup.

Down the line. Mellow Yellow, too. But we're missing one piece. On her way out, you know, he's like, and I'm driving you to the airport. He drives to the airport. He finds a map with all these little stops on it. He's looking at this. And he's like, what's going on?

And Fabka Jansen's like, listen, we lied to you. She's actually not just going to Paris. She's going to all of Europe because she's following the band U2 around. No, she's not. Wait a second. You two. What is wild is that is how this movie tells you the script was originally written in 1992.

Of course. Because what fucking 17-year-old in 2008 is following around you too? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, even he is kind of like, really? You're sure it's not Little Wayne or anything like that. Does she want revenge for getting that album stuck on the iPod?

She couldn't get it off? It's just, what are you talking about? And I mean, like, what? I'm sorry, it just takes me a while. And she's not going there to try to stab them or nothing? That's why people go to concert. Obviously, that's why you're all here tonight. Yeah.

To stab us. Hey, Siska. I'm fine. I'm fine with that. And, but like, you know, he's like, all right, I guess, I guess I have to deal with this. They go, and yes, on the way out. on the way out of the Paris airport, they become the world's biggest fucking marks.

I mean, Jesus. Dude, they might as well be wearing like American flag necker chips. I mean, it is just, like, put a sign on yourself that says, please kidnap me. Like, you're getting your picture taken outside the airport you just came in from... Just kidnap me, please.

You know, the sites, the airport. Ah, yes, the exit ramp. on the Charles de Gaulle Airport. Excellent. We're seeing everything on this trip. It's art. It's beautiful. But that's...

Eric, you... Precedo it was a role. The taxis are very expensive. Can we split one? And they're like, yeah, sure. You're so cute. And... I am pittal.

So expensive. Expensive. And the thing is, they all get off together. You don't see the cab ride, but I kind of feel like when they get in, they're like, oh, yeah, we're going to one, two, four, rude, or whatever.

fuck, where are you going? Peter's like, oh, so weird, I'm going to the same place. I had no idea. Wow, what a weird surprise. Wait a minute. Then you are on the fifth floor? I am on the fourth. This is weird, no? Oh, yeah, we took the whole fifth floor. Do you want the access code for the door to? Okay, we could give you that. What do we say our favorite movie on three? One, two, three. You say it first. I also was going to say

Zedonis, oh my God, wow! We both love the same movie the same much, oh wow. And, you know, I think watching this movie, and you know, a couple weeks ago we were talking about an American world from Paris on the show, listen, right?

Excellent movie, excellent movie. Good one. No, but it just makes me think, right? Like, at this point, if you go to France and some weirdo invites you to a party? Mm-hmm. Just say no. You're either getting eaten by werewolves

or you're getting fucking taken. Yeah. It's a lose-lose situation. You're going to be taken or you're going to be abducted by aliens or eaten by werewolves. I'm sorry, it's warwolves. War, war, war, war, wolves.

Allians and warwolves. It just sounds like you're choking on something. Oh, no, I am. Yeah, he's like, oh, there's a cool party tonight. He's like, what floor are you on? The fifth floor is like, wow, I can't believe that worked. Okay, oh, no, cool. He's, like, calling his guys, and he's just like, yes, I have two.

They are very dumb. They're, like, embarrassingly dumb. You're going to have to check, but I'm pretty sure door is unlocked. So it's also 2008, so they get in here. And, like, they're so stoked to follow you, too. but I guess the movie can't afford that shit so she just puts on the hives

which would make more sense but I mean also do 2008 with the hives it's a little late for the hives I mean they never stuck an album on my iPod but I mean it's 2008 I still say switch it because I'm dealing with the idea that these 70 year olds just want to bone

the shit out of Bono and I can't take it don't you mean bono and the odds yeah the odds the urge come on

this is just getting out of hand the odds we didn't invent the way they talk that's true we did not it's true we do it's very important again because she's such a sweet little girl at 17

we have to before she stops being a character for 90 minutes of the movie we're like so you're a virgin right okay cool and that's Glad we got that out of the way. Thanks for clearing that up. We're going to come back around to that later, just to double check.

But, yeah, it's good to know. Good to know. And also, they make a point. Amanda, her friend is like, ooh, I can't wait to have sex with Peter. It's like, I have to go watch Strawberry Shortcake. And she hides in the bathroom. And this is where the taken call starts. This is where the takening happens.

Because he's all pissed because he's like, she was supposed to fucking call me. And he's calling her. He's blowing up her phone, like left and right. He also calls Femke Jansen at one point and she's like, don't fucking call here ever again. And that's kind of like one of her only remaining scenes in the film.

There's like one or two more. But one of them is don't fucking call here ever again. I just took my ad of Ann, please. You're gonna wake up, Stuart. And so like this is the very famous scene where he finally calls her and he's like, you know, you were supposed to call me. We would find out that the cousins

that Amanda was supposed to be staying or out of town, so now Maggie Grace is a little uncomfortable as, you know, who is going to change her diaper at this point. It's an important job. And so she's real worried about that. Amanda's not going to do it, too. They already had that talk on the plane. She's her daughter's girl.

She pees in her pants just like I do. And this is, you know, it's a cool, it's a big old house where you can sort of see someone who kidnapped from across the way, which is nice. I love that. I always wish I always have. had that feature in a house, you know? Yeah.

Where I'm standing in one room and somebody else is getting kidnapped, but I'm not kidnapped yet. I guess what is it like a courtyard situation? You get a window into your own house? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Karen and Gregory are looking at downtown Paris

to find a new flat for themselves. They're hoping to rent a square-shaped entire floor of an apartment building that has a big courtyard right in the middle so you can look across the way and see if she's ever getting taken. It has to be close to downtown, but with a yard big enough

for the dogs to run around and maybe someday kids to play. It took us 15 minutes to get to House Hunters last night, this time 30. Not bad, I say. There must-haves include no locks whatsoever. Look, it's just the best in Chardon Freud of television, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know what to tell you. Divorces at the end of every episode. It's got to be, right? Especially international. Well, that's the thing. They're all. divorce prequels, which you don't see often. Usually you're seeing divorce sequels.

That's true. Yeah, welcome back to prelude to a divorce. I mean, Househunters International. And, you know, so she's like, oh, yeah, dad, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, you know, I'm still mad about the YouTube thing. And like, then, you know, Amanda's dancing in the room. She gets kidnapped. Maggie Grace gets really worried. And he's like, oh.

And I love, he has this look on his face. If you watch this movie so many times as I had to for this stupid show, he has his look immediately. He's like, oh my God, they took command it. He's like, oh. And immediately, he's like, well, I guess my daughter's getting kidnapped. Like, he's like, he's right there, right there immediately.

Yep, totally. It's like, ha, another takening, isn't it? Fook. Gonna lose that second bodyguard job. I told the guys I'd help out with because me stupid daughter got taken. And he's like, you know, I'll go into the other room. I got some bad, I got some good news.

and bad news. The good news is you're not going to be seeing YouTube on concert. The bad news is you're going to get taken. I'm so sorry. All right, so real quick. Seeing you two in concert or getting kidnapped by somebody.

I don't know. These guys... And you return totally safe. Yeah. Now? Now or earlier, 80s? Everyone is yelling kidnapped right now. It's important. Let me make up my own mind.

No, no, no, no. It's not like Joshua Tree era. Okay. Elevation. Yes, exactly. I don't have to hear a fucking beautiful day. I would rather be fucking sold to a sultan or whatever happens at the end of this. Whatever that is.

Because I cannot, listen, I cannot spend a fucking dime to hear that guy go one, two, fourteen in that fucking song. This is a true story about that song. It came on the radio once I was driving in upstate New York. and I was like oh fuck I hate this song distracted by the music I hit a deer dude and in that moment

you were like fuck I wish I was that deer yeah oh boy that deer got elevation and then excellent excellent as I pulled over

and the deer bled to death on the side of the road the echoing of you too through the forest whew Then I got in the car and drove away. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so she gets taken, or she's about to get taken, and he's like, you know, and she's also, I kind of feel like if I was on the phone of my dad's going to get kidnapped, like, is there anything I could do right now? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Should I try locking the door?

No, no, no, no. What if I tried to jump out this window? No, no, no, you're just going. to be taken. What if I start looking for a gun? Nope. Taken. Taken.

It's already happened. Okay. I don't know why you're even talking to be any more taken girl. I'm going to start calling you a Taken girl. You are so taken right now. Baby Taken. Oh, little baby Taken. Look out.

Taken Juniors. He then gets on his little black CIA book and like records the conversation and tells her yell out the clues or whatever. It's like we're playing charades. Honey, I need to know. How hot he is. If he has any tattoos. We're going to do it like the bard game, Guess Who, all right? Any mustaches.

Glasses? Do they have glasses? Yell out if they have glasses. Is he a big fat guy with a red pointy beard like that other freak in that Guess Who game? They really made those people look like weirdos, huh? I don't know. You know what they were is if you tried to like draw like a slightly more photorealistic weevil? Yes, exactly.

Ask your grandparents about Weebles, by the way. Sorry about that. I feel young tonight. I don't know what that is. Well, let's see. They wobble, but they don't fall down. They were little, like, Danny DeVito-shaped, like, Matroshka doll kind of things.

And you could, like, flick them, but they wouldn't fall down. You could flick them at Zappers. That's where all the good Weebel porn is at. So he gets, I mean, like, also the weird thing is, like, so, like, she gets kidnapped, and he, He gets on the phone, you saw it in the trailer, he does that whole spiel. He does say, oh, I don't have a lot of money.

But Stewart does be like, yep, hey man, how do we get out of this situation? What's it going to cost for, you know what? And also, I'm a human being for my daughter and Amanda. Oh, by the way, I'm kind of responsible for her too. Amanda is not involved at all in this. And also, it's so funny that he's just like, listen, I have no money. Fuck you. Do whatever you want to her.

Oh, that would give Stewart the upper hand. That's not happening. But that goes back to the fucking cab line at the airport. Like, do you want those blithuan? No, my dad is a billionaire. Fuck you. Exactly. I have a debit card with $100,000 on it, each shit.

How do they not have the guy with the little fucking line? Yes, exactly. Dead meet one and two. But he does not look for a man. He's like, you better let my daughter go. The blonde is yours. I mean, hey, look. Look, look, I'm a businessman.

You're a businessman. You keep one, just give me back what once was mine before that fucking Stuart came in. It's not a two-for-one special. But, you know, and he's like, I'm going to fucking kill you, and he's like, good luck. I love that good luck, man. What a delivery.

It's awesome. It's almost as good as the Star Fox. Good luck. Boo, boom, boom, Adam. Exactly. Bip-bit-bit taken. Someone should kidnap that fucking frog. Oh, dude, absolutely.

Falcour. Help me! No, I'm not. Slippy, you shithead. I'm only going to help the fucking rabbit. The toad is all yours. They found the frog dead, drugged up at a construction site.

Andros did it. I'm so glad all these Star Fox references are playing. Well done. Well done, folks. So he immediately goes, And I mean, like the first thing, you knock on Stewart's door and you'll be like, listen, everybody's shit down. She got taken.

Or I would even say she was kidnapped because that's how human beings talk to one another. No, no, dude, you got to come to that fucking front door like the town choir, like, taken! There was a taken. Hello, taken! Liam Dyson has a huge bell coming in. Totally.

He fucking buries the lead. He's in the house for 10 minutes. And then he's like, oh, by the way, she was taken. Because he comes in, he comes in, and he's just talking shit to Stewart. He's like, I fucking looked up all your shady business dealing, Stuart. Do you have any enemies?

Anyone want to kill you out there? That's right, Stuart. You're all over Hunter Biden's laptop. It's photos. It's photos of him smoking crack in the bathtub. And you. I saw you draw a little happy smiley face on his penis.

So, yeah, he's like talking about, like Stewart had some like Russian oil deal that went tits up. Don't worry, it doesn't really matter at all. And then he's like, oh, yeah, she got taken. Anyways, Bam Kugentz is like, what the fuck did you say? Taken where? Oh, you know what I mean? Taken.

Well, like to the Louvre? Taken. Oh, like to the Eiffel Tower. Oh, taken. Oh, to the Archde Triumph. Taken. Are you trying to say kidnapped? Taken.

Oh, fuck! Stewart, you got to get to be an airplane to Paris. hour ago and a time portal. Dude, this is got, like, he's so excited to make this dude eat shit. He's like, finally, Stuart, the day has come, you're working for me now. Book me a fucking plane. Now you're my travel agent, Stewart. Just shut up and let me enjoy this

minute. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. All right, my daughter was kidnapped. Back to work. Erection down. Time to get to work. When he's on this airplane, he's just listening to good luck over and over again. It's pretty cool. I want like the flight attendant that's stuck fucking dealing with this guy.

Like, oh, a sixth scotch, Mr. Nason. Good luck. Good luck. That's the thing is it's not like headphones or anything. It's blaring in his ear. So anybody who walks by is just hearing, good luck. Good luck.

And this weirdo sitting alone in this plane. But it's not all that, but it's like she's screaming and crying. He's like, yep, uh-huh. that's my daughter getting taken. Listen, it's for work, okay? Jesus. The flight attendant, like, goes into the fucking cockpit

and is like, uh, so this dude's listening to a real gnarly tape out there. Are we going to Epstein's Island again? Some twisted shit on this tape. No, that's next week. Next week on Taken. He gets to Paris and he starts fucking tearing shit up.

He's like, He's doing a bunch of Batman shit that comes to nothing. Like, he's getting shirt fabrics from somewhere. That goes nowhere. He's also, like, going into the rooms, like, listening to the tape, like, oh, she wasn't here when this part happened or whatever. Like, he's a fucking psychic trying to feel vibes. If you, it's just to remind you, if you weren't watching the movie five minutes ago, here's

what happened. If you were just joining us for Taken. The inciting incident will remind you of it. But I love that the kidnappers walk in, no problem. They can get into this place. And he's like, oh, boy, I don't have the passcode. I'll stand outside with a bag of baguettes like a Frenchman. And I'll walk in when someone comes out.

Dude, him with like these fake groceries is so awesome. He's just got all these, like, fancy pastries, like, looking around. But it's great. I blend in, right? He's using the grocery bag to, like, hide his face. Which, like, I guess if you were, like, you know, Steve's height and you have, like, a big thing, a grocery is what-not. You could play it off. But this is a big-ass Liam Nees and Frankenstein

motherfucker. And he's holding this huge bag of groceries seven feet in the air. It just doesn't work. Pick the lock. You're a spy. Grocery gags. And meanwhile, we found out from Lelandorcer, one, that

they'll live 96 hours to find her or else like she's not coming back, which is a vague estimate, I would say. And two, the Albanians have. I love how every movie that has Albanians in it Pretends that they invented Albania And they have to explain you

It's like it's a fucking country with a lot of people in America It's fine, we've figured it out No, no, the exotic Albania You've never heard of it in Holly Weird Jim Belushi cries at every one of those movies Yes We're real people Because of course they are, it's so fucking dumb

That this movie's like treating them like it's a fake country Like it's fucking Commando or something Yes, exactly But so they're looking for, you know, he takes a bunch of stuff. He finds her phone, which has a picture of this asshole on it. Well, in the reflection of a thing in the background of the airport, and he enhances it at a kiosk? No.

A kiosk that's buried in a subway station. Also, we should mention Liam Neeson, fan of disposable cameras in 2008, going to all these one-hour fucking photoshopps. This movie was written in the early night. and nobody updated the draft. Nobody bothered. This movie was probably written for Van Dam,

which also a better movie, by the way. You're going to be taken. Now's the accents match. So, no, that would be like, go, he would, his kids would be going to America. Sure. And then he'd have to come here and kill a bunch of shady Americans, which would be cool.

Not bad. That's all right. Not bad. But apparently the original casting was Jeff Bridges. That's right. He dropped out. He was literally cast. all right man you're just going to get taken dude

I'm sorry oh man someone snagged my daughter he finally got to play that in crazy art though hey dude they're taking your daughter man oh that kid really tied the room together no woo pissed on the kid man

oh that one was disgusting It was disgusting. Walter, will you stop talking about Afghanistan? It was eight fucking years ago, man. I mean, question mark better movie? Maybe. I just can't imagine him like, like Jeff Bridges breaking someone's neck. How does that work now?

No, no. That's it's unsettling. Oh, I'm sorry, man. Hold fucking still, God damn it. Yeah, it just wouldn't work. I'm glad he dropped out. No, it's not. Oh, wait a second, though.

So is there an alternate timeline somewhere where he takes the gig and now he's doing all them Liam Neeson movies? Yes, he's driving a fucking snowplow now. Walk amongst the tombstones, man. All this movie's non-stop. I got to take the train to work.

I'm a commuter now. Fuck, I can't run all night. How many more can we do? You can feel that running out of gas Where it's like all those titles sound the same Hey man they got little hands and fingers to get in there And clean the ammunition But Schindler's list

But the cool thing about Jeff Bridges Is if he told you a story about the 1970s While he was messed up in an interview About him walking along the streets looking for something It'd be marijuana and it would fucking rule It'd be a fucking cool story Oh totally As opposed to other stories that assholes like to tell.

Oh, yeah, man. For no fucking reason. Oh, yeah, man. I was just looking to score. Exactly. And it would have some, like, weird left field twist where he'd be like, and then I turned a corner and met Peter Cushing. Really nice guy, honestly.

Smoking weed with Peter Cushing, that would be something. That would be fucking dope. You may fire that blunt when ready. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Say that later tonight. he finds Peter Peter's running this game that he has

on some like lady from Sweden or something it's like do you want to split the cab It's so expensive This guy's got his script down dude He totally does

At that point you'd think Like the transit cops Someone would be like This guy's here every day Yeah totally This guy's always look at a split cabs What's his problem? Oh he's a kidnapper

Oh And if if fucking You know Nisen was smart he would like follow the cab and then abduct this guy later of the day but he just like does it at an airport and everyone is looking. Something tells me

if you are in like the parking like the arrivals area of an airport and you take a guy by the back of his head and smash it against the hood of a car someone's saying something you know that's just me but I think someone would be saying

I think that guy's beating that guy up I just love how he shoves him in the back of the taxi and says drive and the cab driver obviously isn't going to do that. What do you think? This is America? No, I'm going to leave my fucking cab, you idiot. You have to put a gun up to my

head before you ask that. Before. Is this where he gets the other dude like pulls him out of the car and then he kicks him right in the dick? Yes. Nice moment. It's cool. Nice moment. A fucking dead hit on that. And this guy, Peter, gets final destination killed by a truck

which kind of rules it's so awesome it's like that great blend of like it's brutal and it's fucking hilarious and I think may have been reserved for the unrated cut only oh really yeah so we watch the one true cinema well I mean it's

hilarious because that must have been the best moment of that guy's life you just outwitted a super spy you jumped off a fucking bridge onto a truck survived it you're like French Batman. And you're just like looking like yeah. Yeah.

It is hilarious. Yeah, he is just it's like who gets that death? Sean William Scott in final decision. Actually that whole series is people getting hit by cars. But you know and like oh shit that's my only lead like yeah you should have fucking you know came it eased up a little bit. And again he just like

sachets away. There's no fucking like airport police. There's nothing like you caused a huge traffic jam. This dude jumped off this thing, and that guy definitely got hit by a truck. I don't know, man. There was like a nine-foot monster, and he was doing stuff. It's definitely

not a human. I don't know what it was. I'm not following him. Was it an alien? It might have been. Dude, he kind looks like an alien. I forgot to mention it, but the die job this guy's got in this movie. It looks like he's about to pull a fucking Rudy Giuliani and start melting. It's disgusting.

I got a very specific set of killed. It's being a lion piece of shit getting drunk it's getting sued and he goes to his French contact or whatever

this guy John Claude dude from the old days the torture days y'all are nothing they gave this guy like one page where it's like I don't know just talk about how you now have a desk that's your job it's just like

I can't do nothing of all these desk jobs I have Oh, the desk, the desk, the desk. Not only do I work behind the desk, but I work for someone who works behind the desk, and that guy works for a guy who works behind the desk, and that guy, he just works for a desk. It's very weird here in France.

I live in the desk. It's pretty relatable, I think, right? Living in a desk job? And then your boss is a desk job. I got what he was saying. But that's just all to, like, diminish this guy. virility. Like, Liam Neeson's out there doing the stuff. He's also like,

oh, you must have fucked up when you got to a desk. He's always, like, giving him shit for it. He's like, no, actually, I get to spend time with my family, and that causes me not to get divorced. See, that's just how that works. There's a moment where he's like, oh, you slipped up and you forgot the exact

weight of a gun with bullets in it as compared to one without bullets in it. You're not a psychotic anymore. It's a weird moment where he's basically like, I hope someone got fired for that blunder. He was like, I don't know, man. He's not a fucking paid assassin anymore. Who cares?

He's got kids, man. Shut up. He winds up going to, he gives him a lead to this like weird car park prostitution ring thing that's really crazy. He shakes, well, he shakes down a prostitute in order to get, and then he puts a bug on the pimp. Yes, yes.

And he gets this Albanian translator to just listen to pimp talk. Welcome back to Pimp. That would be a huge podcast, I think. Pimp talk? Yeah. Definitely. New project from Eric Siska.

No, we're not going to try to figure out what that would sound like. No, we're not going to bother. Yeah, there's some alleys you don't walk down. And this is, yeah, this is when they get to the park. Like, basically, like, the Albanian translator is like, oh, they're going to this car park. That's where they take their ladies. And it's this weird thing where, like, the line is around the block. First of all, it's a construction site.

Got it. What the dude says is, oh, he's. He says he has to go back to work at the construction site because there's new product in. And Liam Neeson is like, ah, yes, France's famous construction site. There's no, like, tailing the guy. The translator doesn't get a name of the construction site.

There's no address. It's just the construction site. I would like to think, like, he burst through five of them first before finding this one. Where are the prostitutes? We're just building a bridge, man. Fuck, I lost 20 hours going around French construction site.

What a waste of time I should have fucking followed the one guy And yeah This is where everybody is All these ladies are like drugged up And he looks And one of them has this jack This bejeweled jacket

This girl has to wear again Because she's like I'm 17 She got like fucking buckshot From a bedazzler This has his jacket It's like mini mouse rules On the back or something like

It's like You're old enough to get insurance on a rental car, your fucking Mickey Mouse jacket. Come on. It's a bedazzled shit, man. But apparently it's some other girl that he doesn't give a shit about immediately. No, no, but she's like an information vessel,

so better keep her alive for that reason and that reason alone. Well, this is what he started, this is probably the first seed where he is like just murdering people. The body count in this movie, at least IMDB, he tells me, is 35. Take that Jason Vorty. It's a lot. You fucking Bush League kill count.

Amateur. Oh, amateur. I thought you were saying an armchair. No, he's an amateur. Got it. I like that. Yeah, he's just like ripping people apart in this scene. This is where he really kind of like, you know,

starts takening a little bit here. Because that one chase scene with the guy's like nothing. This is like where he's really breaking necks, getting like knives and throats and whatnot, you know, what you paid for. That shit. I mean, again, if it was Jeff Brzez, like, can I buy you some coffee?

Let's just go down. You tell me where my daughter is, man, and we'll just call it a day. What's happening in this place, man? Shit. Let's go catch something at the last picture show. Neeson got so lucky here because none of these guys can hit him with bullets for some reason.

No, no, not a single one. There's like machine guns happening. Dude, these are all. riddled and nothing happens. Because they're in the Storm Trooper program. I feel that's what it was. They're like spraying this fucking car with machine guns. And it drives fine.

Don't worry about it. I don't know, dude. To Storm Troopers credit, it must be hard to shoot Mark Kamel at a distance. He's a tiny man. You know what I mean? You really got to squint. Those masks aren't helpful. But fucking Liam Neeson. My God.

Always remember that Albanians always travel a single file to hide their numbers. Which is essentially what the French detective guy says, because he's like, I don't know how many Albanians are in this country. They fucking single file in here. And now they've ruined my country. It's kind of, it kind of sucks this way. This guy is like, first there are five or ten of them. Now there's 500 Arabians.

Yeah, no, it doesn't kind of suck. It sucks, too. It is pretty bad. It's gross. It's a thing that you can do if you're using a fake country, which I guess the writers of this movie maybe thought Albanians. it was at first. But if you're using a real country, you shouldn't do that.

No. A whole country that's just Albany? No. Doesn't exist. Oh my God. Don't let me get taken to Albany. Dude, because you will get out by the skin of your fucking teeth.

Let us tell you. Instead of giving you heroin, they hook you up to buffalo wings, I suppose. Someone approaches you and says, do you want to not split a cab because they're so cheap here. We're just going to sit you here and you're going to have to listen to Mario Cuomo

talk for a long time. Oh, the father. Oh, the fucking father. He's even worse. Let's do some more New York jokes for everyone in Chicago. Governors from 30 years ago jokes. Fuck that whole fucking family, by the way. Absolutely.

Yes. Okay. You got it. And he just rips these dudes apart. I don't know what really comes to. Well, it's a car chase. And here's the thing. I'm coming to this movie for like close quarters,

stabbing and neck brakes and whatnot. Car chases, you can leave out of this. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. And it just kind of does a little car chase here. Destroyes the whole construction site. So sorry that children's hospital isn't being built. Yeah.

And also part of his very special set of skills is not just electrocuting men's testicles. It's also putting people through detox which is really helpful and kind of sweet he cleans this girl up yeah he does which is nice only because she's got information on his precious baby daughter property that's but once we get that information she vanishes what do he might have killed her yeah to like cover his tracks oh right he doesn't want the like the Albanian mafia following him like a seat of him dumping a garbage bag off a bridge just a really big rug yeah he's just carrying down to France yeah you shouldn't

taken her jacket, so Chuck. Sorry, I mean, if you had been me, daughter, I would, well, you know, all right. Bye, bye, you're the river's problem now. Is this? Well, that's where it would go.

Yeah. Is this when, in the construction site, is that when we find Amanda dead and near your tear is shed? Well, that's later. Okay, okay. Yeah, it is later. All right, that's fine. We'll get there. Let us figure out the continuity.

we'll ask for help when needed it's all right but he whatever he blah blah blah he detoxes her I think the French guy

again it's basically like I want you to leave town here's a first class ticket out kind of a thing oh yeah this is where he really like fucking fools these guys because they're all like raiding where he's going to be

and it's uh oh the cell phone's up against a little walkie talkie cleverly amazing meanwhile he's like he's like a block away on the tallest tower, the tallest man in France. The iron giant

is like 30 feet from you. It's really something. Like, he couldn't even be bothered to crouch. He's standing in all his seven-foot Frankenstein glory. Like, a fake mustache or something? Glasses. At least sunglasses.

Yes. And, also because you could spot that die job from space. That's the other thing. That's how the alley and stuff. got me. It's like as red as that fucking Zanis sign back there. My God. Terrible. Yeah, so he does,

he makes his way to like a safe house where the sort of like the hideout they call it the red house or whatever. That's the tip that the woman coming off the age gives him. Like, oh, I remembered something about the house with the red door at Rue de Paradis. And this is, he starts

fucking these dudes up. He finds the guy, the fucking good luck guy. This is where he finds him. This is insane. is like It's the dumbest part of the movie. Because he's impersonating a French cop in English with this fucking brogue.

Yeah, my name is John Paul Partier. Yeah, yeah, that's right. This guy, this like, you know, criminal guy like does not blink once. He's just like, well, it's a business. It's not even a badge.

A badge is not presented. It's a business card that's like, trust me, I'm a cop. My name is Jean Paul O'Grady. Oh, well, that's just the EU for you. Oh, yeah. They're all moving around now. Gotta get out of that thing, dude.

And, yeah, he's like, oh, you know, he's like pretending to shake them down. And the funny part of this scene is he's trying, like, it's a whole bunch of people sitting around the table is like, one of these guys is my good luck guy and I don't know which. So I need to keep asking them different questions to get them to say something. And he's got this, you see him like the scene before. like he's in the hotel room. He's got an English to Albanian dictionary and he's like doing language homework and you realize what it is

is he gives this piece of paper to this dude. He's like, oh, me friend gave me a little piece of paper with some Albanian on it. Don't ask why. But can you tell me what it says? And the guy reads it and says, good luck. And then he just opens fucking fierce rage on all of these guys.

This might be the best scene in the movie even though it makes no sense. of the violence, the sheer violence we get out of this scene. Totally. And he pretends to be a dead body stuck under another dead body, which is an awesome move. Just icing these dudes. Let me just take this other dead body. We used to call this a blanket in the industry.

And this is where he finds the dead friend is in here. Adios, she's never mentioned again. Yeah, it's never like, hey, I guess I have to go to Amanda's parents' house and let them know where her body is or something. Zero grief for this.

I think he blames her. Like, fuck you, Amanda. It sounds more like a steward problem, if you ask me. Well, you know, today I won't be pishing in my pants. Instead, I'll be pushing on her corpse. Yeah, he finds his checker a pulse, and then it just cuts to, like, a garbage fire and him staring at it.

All of your loose morals got us here, Amanda. You were the real U-2 fan. By the way, I almost called it U-2. I want to be clear about that. Dude, that's when they play shows on Halloween, man. Ooh, dude. Because that music is scary as fuck year-round. And he, whatever.

Oh, this is, well, this is, dude, Marco from Tripoya. This is, like, the lead dude. And it's like, this movie has a couple of built-in commercial breaks, which is awesome. And it's like, you know, they fade to black. And then it's like, next time on Taken. And it opens. And he's got those fucking nails that he's jamming into this dude's thighs. Ooh, good times.

Wouldn't you just die immediately? once a nail goes in my knee I'm like yep I'm gone I'm checking out dude I'm checking right out absolutely that's it I'm done and all these divorced dads are just jacking off in the theater

I know fucking get it yeah jam that fine get it yeah I was just about to do that my assistant manager exactly real zappers move here he turns on the electricity

and starts frying this guy good line here about like oh you know here the you flick a switch and it stays on all day. I used to have to pull out fingernails and drop acid on people. Our hero, ladies

the gentleman. Absolutely. The dullest brothers taught me well. See, but that is a weird thing, right? Whereas if this was like just slightly more competently made, you could be like, oh, he's like an anti-hero. But the movie is like, this dude kicks ass. This dude will always fucking kick ass. And he is like the great new American cowboy.

Yeah, take it. Take it to him. taken get him get him taken oh my favorite part was when taken took that dude made him cry like I went to my boss with my father I do think that's what the fans

of this movie are calling him in the street over taken man taken man bro I saw taken on the fucking street what the guy taken Tekken? No Taken

Oh dude fucking Liam Liam Neeson is a selectable character in Tekken. That dude would fuck shit. Absolutely. Huge reach. Huge reach. Taken, Tekken.

Taken. Taken. Taken. Taken. Taken. Taken. Talkin. Oh, I'm doing TikTok on Taken.

I'm doing Tech and TikTok taken. There's a dude that should definitely be on TikTok. No. He's a little old. He'd be on like tick-tack toe instead or whatever. The last thing you want to do is give that guy a fucking hot mic, dude. The last thing you want to do. The last thing you want to do.

thing. Yeah, that's true. So this is my latest pissed pants. Doing a dance you. Yeah, no, you're dancing. The piss pants dance. That could become a TikTok trend, actually. Do the Piss Pants Challenge. Oh, yes, dude. Hey, Zoomers out there. Piss Pants Challenge on TikTok.

Do it. Go ahead. All the cool kids are doing it. And he torches this guy enough until he gives him the information because torture is a good thing and gets you exactly what you need. Every single time. It works flawlessly every single time. And then he leaves the switch on. which is awesome.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he gets a name from this dude. I think, what, St. Clair. And we go to this, uh, Jeffrey Epstein Gala here. No, this thing. For first, we have to go fuck up that French cop's house. Oh, yes. Oh, this is.

This is, bonkers. And I have no idea who it's for. I don't. I do, I do not. It's for me. Okay. Finally, something for. I think it's pretty fun to see this guy like,

They're having this nice, like, dinner. The wife's very gracious. Oh, Brian, it's so great to see you again. And he just shoots her in the arm. It is kind of awesome. It's one of those things where so, like, Jean-Claude comes home and Liam Neeson's already there. So this guy knows he's totally fucked.

And he's like, oh, you know, I got to go put the kids to bed and he, like, reaches under their little trundle bed. There's a gun under there because, of course, there is. And pockets that because he's ready to, like, attack this guy. And Liam Neeson, like, cuts right to the bullshit. He's like, you fucked me on this. You're fucking crooked. What's going on here?

and the guy won't give it up and he just immediately shoots this wife and it is, I don't know the editing, what is going, just the combination of everything coming together it is the perfect storm to make the funniest fucking thing you see in this entire movie

is just this hilarious shot in the arm and he's like, oh it's just a flesh wound I didn't mean it to be a flesh wound I fucking missed. And then he forces Jean-Claude to like look up the guy on the computer and then he knocks him out we don't know what happens to that wife

she's just bleeding that place. But Liam Neeson, he thinks he makes everything okay here. He goes, apologies to your wife. And then fucking pistol whips this guy. Yeah, I'll tell her. Thanks for beating me half to death. You know, Jean-Claude, I don't, I actually like when your friends come over.

You know what I mean? Usually they're nice guys. I mean, I would like some notice. You know, I want to make sure I have enough food in the house. That Brian, though, I don't know if we're going to have him back. Look, he's been going through some hard times. His daughter was taken. I told you about the takening.

It would have been more poetic maybe if he'd stole his little daughter. Yeah. Oh, and I found out. Now you know what it's like. Maybe now you'll get off your arse and help me find my daughter. This is when we go to the crazy Epstein gala,

which is like, I don't know what we're doing here. This is, hey, I got a cool ticket to a new party, man, awesome. Oh, fuck, it's in a French mansion and everything. baby, let's go. Better bring my debit card. Hillary, don't wait up. I'm going to be swiping

all night. There's something. You think this is a cash only operation or what? Wire transfers and whatnot, maybe. It's pre-Bitcoin. Yeah, that's true, because now Bitcoin is what you'd use to buy human slaves and all that.

Absolutely. That's why everyone's so obsessed with crypto. What do you think they're using it for? yes sure but like yeah he's just going he's going he's going he's going around you guys have fucking working out at home i don't know what the fuck's going on over here jesus christ anyway steve you were saying he's just going around this party and there it's this weird scenario he finds up in where it's like there's a room where a lady comes in and all these fucking creeps are in various

octagonal shapes and looking at them. Yeah, it's gross. It's really gross. And like your bidding kind of a thing? Yeah, no, you're pressing a little red button to bid on women. It's really horrible and sort of like sucks the fun out of this conversation

because we'll swing right through it though and get it over with. I will say it's nicely it's like a big box at a sporting game. Like they bring you liquor. Sure. They bring your food if you want buffalo wings for the sex trade. Chris is right. It did look very nice.

Yes. I'm spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy people. But also, I definitely need a plate of buffalo wings. Hey, man, the buffalo rings here, Condorock. I'm not kidding. Holy fuck, it's all you can eat. Fried raviolios. I'm there, brother.

Man, just buying girls and eating potato skins. Fuck, baby. That guy ran the car. country for a while. About eight years. For a great little while. And he finds the room with this one guy and of course

his daughter comes out and then he's like you've got to buy her man. Hey, could you do me a solid? What's awesome here though is like the ambivalence of all the other scumbag pieces of shit also participating in this auction because you can see everybody. They all have a clear view and it's just like one old.

old creep. Another old creep. Another old creep. And then here's this creep with Liam Neeson with a gun to his head. And none of these guys are like, hey man, is that guy fucking it up for the rest of us? Is this a cop? Like, in these extreme sex situations, you're just like, that's what he's into. Wow. Yeah, he likes to buy people with the big guy with the gun to his head and the buffalo wings are there. I think a few booths down, like, you know, Trump is there. Like, I'm the, I'm that going to buy anyone because I've got one at home, Ivankas. I'm just

browsing. But these potato skins, hmm. I do wish at Liam Neeson had, like, not gone straight for the gun and, like, just been in the, like, I don't know, I think she's kind of cute. Don't you think?

Kind of good looking, huh? It might have worked better, right? Yeah, might have. Oh, yeah. Or he does reverse psychology. You would never bid on that one. she's too good for you she's a little too hot for you huh

oh yeah I'll show you asshole so like he convinces this guy to successfully purchase his daughter 500 grand it's a real bidding war it's gross and then

I got out bid by some guy with a gun to his head eating mozzarella sticks baby should have brought the Discover card with me? Well, we're not enemies yet, so just come over and use Ivanka. She's like the toilet of the house.

Can I get some? Wow, wow. All right, we're going to let that one breathe. Can I get some Adrian of Chrome on the rocks? This is a pretty cool party, man. Let me just scrape it off

Barron real quick. Moving on. Hey, you know, just, we're doing both sides, right? Sure, yeah. Uh-huh. Fucking see. Oh, those we hate movies, boys, give as good as they can. We're fair and balance.

More than Foxx now. Yeah, exactly. So, he gets kidnapped immediately. He gets, like, caught immediately, right? Yeah, he's, like, knocked unconscious for, like, a half a second. This brilliant military mind that's gone through all of the world, killing kids and fucking mothers cannot look outside a hallway

when he's leaving the room couldn't do it. Well, he doesn't get killed. It's a great shot of him falling down. It is kind of great because it's actually just hulking Liam Neeson falling over. Ooh, it's awesome. I forgot to look behind me.

And the movie's trying to say something because the guy who's running the whole ring this like French guy is just like, hey man, it's just business. And it's like, oh, wow. I've never seen that a fucking action movie before. Oh, just business was. Oh, pardon me.

I'll back off. Excuse me. I'm sorry for ruining things. I had no idea. Oh, shit. What do I owe you? I'm sorry. Just business?

I had a few cocktail weeners. Hans Gruber is just holding on to a thing. It was just business. Oh, well, come on up then. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. My apologies. I didn't know it was just business.

let me just pull this bullet out of you when he kills all those guys he escapes from he's he's going to be murdered by them and he kills them by like throwing fire extinguishers at them which is pretty awesome great yeah there's huck and fire extinguishers one goes off he breaks a pipe or something so things kind of get spooky for a second I guess is the idea

and then he unloads his gun on this French pervert oh man it's awesome though man it's great but this is now we're moving on to what I believe is the sixth villain of this movie? Well, that's the thing just they keep kicking the can down the road and I guess it's the cool, in quotation marks thing is like, oh, in these

worlds, it wouldn't be like a big scary villain. It would be everybody and I get that, but like, it's a fucking dumb action movie. I need like somebody. I just need one guy. That's the guy I want to see die last. Yeah, I need him twirling his mustache and it should have been the dude Marco from Troppoya from the middle

of the movie. Give Marco from Troia, I don't know, a gun suit to fight Liam Mason. Oh, shit. That would do it. Then he'd be at least as tall as Liam Mason. Uh-oh, shit. It's a mecca, Marco. I had no idea. If you had Jeff Bridges in the movie, he could say,

Marco from Tramoya, put this in a key with a bunch of scraps. I like it. I'm kind of coming around to this idea of Jeff Bridges being intaking. I'm kind of into it. I'm fully in, I think. Dude, here's the thing, though. If the sequel, then, though, with Jeff Bridges in the lead role still, you'd have to do the Teen Wolf like

Taken T-O-O-O, and it's like Jeff Bridges with sunglasses on, like surfing on the poster for some reason, because maybe it's like he's on vacation and then like someone gets taken, taking vacation, there it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. Now we've figured it out. I like it. I like it a lot. I like it a lot. The third one, though, has to be taken rides again, right? Oh, totally. Yeah. He's on the horse

that Stewart gave the daughter now. It's mine now. And it's basically City Slickers 2 for some reason. I was just to say, Taken Grit. Taking grit. Taken grit.

Or the legend of Marco's gold that it's Slickers 2. Now we're going to rob those Albanians. Exactly. He winds up on a boat where she is now at and there, you know, there is this like, you know,

I guess Saudi Arabian guy that's like bought her question mark. It's a it's a nondescript. We're just putting in an ethnic looking person is what the movie's doing. The actor, the actor though, this dude is like late in life Brando. Oh, too, yeah.

Holy shit. He's taken up the whole bed in this one scene. It's literally job of the hut pretty much in that scene. They make them gross. It's not needed. Honestly, you have the knife maniac that he stabs into balls three times. Oh, yeah.

Which is fantastic. Pretty great. I'm taking your nuts. But that's the thing is like now he's fighting this guy. I'm like, is this the last guy? Like no. And then like the last thing is this guy,

this Marlon Brando dude has a knife to Maggie Grace's neck like we'll negotiate. He just shoots him in the head. I'm like I guess the movie ended. Oh, that's it. Was that it? Oh, that was it.

Oh. Oh, all right. The guy has like one and a quarter lines. His first line is And then the other line is We couldn't let go And then that's it And Liam Mason shoots him in the fucking face

I need blood spatter Of some kind here right One squib I beg of you I don't know who made squibs illegal But stop doing that please Now we're talking Yes please the most important part of the show

Thank you so much Tip all of your waitresses Yes Tip your waitresses Tip well tip often Thank you. And, you know, she, like, you know, Maggie Grace goes into his arms, like, oh, thank you. And every divorced dad is in fucking blubbering tears.

Like, I haven't hugged my daughter in years, man. Maybe 10 Christmases from now, that'll be me. Oh, man. Okay, so all right. So if I was kicked out of Emily's last Thanksgiving. for my horrible political beliefs. What if she was taken by human trafficking? And what if I arranged for that to happen

so I could look like a hero, maybe? Then Emily loves me, and that rotten bitch, Martha has to eat it. And then you know what? Maybe my Iverbectin stuff? I don't know. Maybe that's pretty cool. Maybe it's pretty...

Slap some of it on a bagel, eat it? I stole it from Stewart's horse. Now, Jean-Claude, you have to understand, I'm going to have to shoot your wife for this to work. This all hinges on me shooting your wife. It's a whole thing, really. Oh, I'm just sick over the whole. Hey, Jean-Paul, me again.

Notice that you're not taking my calls, buddy. Just want to let you know. Maggie Grace is totally fine. We're back in America. I'm just sick about the whole shooting your wife thing. I was in a dark place and, you know, I hope I can talk to you before the New Year, but Merry Christmas, Joya Noel,

the whole fucking thing. Again, my bad, my bad. The message comes up. Yes, this is Jean-Claude. I am divorced now. Please do not leave any messages. Yeah, you don't make... That's not couple scouts.

His friend shot me. After I asked him to open the wine. and then like what appears to be a real like tacked on ending because this movie much like speaking of you know like diehard movies like just end like at the airport when they get home but I guess to sort of like pretend as if trauma doesn't exist and she wouldn't be like horribly scarred for a long time she again stupidly runs up to this door

and she's like oh daddy what are we doing here and he's like you'll have to wait and see and the door opens and it's this Shira lady again and it's like surprise vocal audition like no fucking way well hi there I'm Shira I heard a certain little girl was human traffic recently it was you

oh my God you're right it was like a make a wish thing now let's sit behind this piano and see if we can get some smiles on that face like fuck you movie and you might even want to take this moment to hear what Maggie Grace sounds like singing

Nope nope credits but I have to if I'm recalling correctly in one of the other movies there's definitely like her in a recording studio and I'm so thankful that continued her fucking journey to be a recording artist in this

Taken franchise yeah they got Will I am behind the board it's a beautiful scene Oh, and that's the end of the movie, folks. There it is. That is all she wrote. Fucking movie. So we do have to be getting out of here, wrapping things up and whatnot.

But first of all, big thanks to all of you for coming out. Once again, give yourselves a round of applause. Thanks again for the staff at Zanis. They've been great tonight. Give them a round applause. and once again thank you all for doing your part so you could fucking be here tonight

and be here tomorrow by the way and by here tomorrow I mean just on the fucking earth still all right but before we get going of course as tradition here at We Hate Movies Live we have to acknowledge that the best place to find intelligent

totally non-insane film writing on the internet is to go to the IMDB user review section The best. Now we got a couple here tonight written by totally unhinged people. Cool. Were you going to say something, Steve?

No, I said, ooh, I was excited about the IMDB. Oh, yeah, get excited, dude. Crazy fucking shit here. I have to figure out which one I want to read for... I think the one by Divorced Warrior 666 is the one we want. All right, let's see. We'll go this one first.

one out of ten stars Oh no Are the reviews on this page legit or plants from the studio? And again by page He means the user review section Of the internet movie database I like how like 20th century Fox

Or whatever the fuck Is paying an intern Like no you've got to turn the tide on the IMDB user review Oh my God we're going to be sunk This was written in 2009. Oh, wow, okay. Okay. Hot off the presses.

Yeah. Wow. Judging from the reviews on this site, you would think Taken was this incredible nonstop thrill ride when, at best, all capital letters, it's a disappointing rental. Every aspect is far-fetched beyond belief.

We'll file that in the fucking no-shit folder. Do you watch an action film? I just found out this is a movie. You know, Mother, I watched this fascinating documentary last night called Taken. I thought my TV was a window. They got some real problems over there. The nasty ex-wife,

the rich stepfather that gives the stepdaughter anything? Anything? That's where Zander Berkeley doesn't. going this movie, and you know what? That's fine. Yeah. Head on over to Zappers for that movie. Who begs the lead for her help after he realizes

he was wrong. The naive daughter who is kidnapped 20 minutes after getting into the country. Yeah, okay. I'm with you there. Then Liam Neeson springing into action and blowing up every and anything. Well, again, it's an action movie. What the fuck did you think you signed on for?

Every step of the way, this film never rises above cartoon status. Pretty sure it's a live-action motion picture. Oh, I get it. Reading the comments on this site, I'm frightened for the future of man. Finally, a sentence written in the user review section that makes sense. Well, Gorsh, Mick, she got taken. Yuck.

Ha ha, good luck. Because he would be the kid now. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Every step of the way this film never... Oh, yeah, cartoons, that's got that. Move on, drunk guy. Reading the comments on this site, yeah, okay. Then again,

Paul Blart Mallcop was number one, two weeks in a row at the box office, so I was already afraid for humanity. All right. Sure. Okay. I might have written that, I think. I don't know. I don't know what I was doing.

Oh, your divorced dad, six, six, six? I don't remember what I was doing at 2009, man. now this is this is truly something 10 out of 10 stars this was written in July of 2008 so I think this is the real hot off the press is okay yeah

subject line Nissan is the vodka of James Bond's martini what you know what we're all gonna think about that and then next week right into the mailbag and see if you can figure that out You're going to be drinking.

You're going to be fucking. I have a very special set of spirits. The most thrilling movie I've seen in a long, long time. Neeson is what we would fear if James Bond went to hell and came back for revenge. Just go watch James Bond, you maniac. Who's already definitely going to hell. Oh, yeah, James Bond is definitely Oh, straight to hell, straight to hell, dude.

For discussion. Then we got a parenthetical here. I doubt big budget quantum of solace will top this. Nailed it, nailed it. Man, this guy is grinding an axe against Daniel Craig. Like to grind something else against Daniel Craig.

I would do that too. Any time. Bring it on, Danny. Danny That's my pet name for him Got it I loved Jason Bourne But where Bourne is confused For half the movie

Neeson is looking down The barrel of a pistol Three Quarters of the time In a three-way spy battle I would But now he's doing like Fucking fantasy football With movie assassins

None of them exist They're all fake They don't exist But if they did Imagine that three-way Oh yeah No, they might not exist, but you cut to that fucking wrestling fan.

It's real to me, God damn it! Sure. Sure. In a three-way spy battle, I would put Nissen edging out born who would be a step above Bond. What the fuck are you even saying? What is this? A math equation?

And then the flash would totally be Superman in a race, which is information everyone should have at the year-ready. That's spot on. That's this dude's other reviews. Oh, absolutely. Later. All right, here we go. Between the jaw-dropping action sequences

was the subject matter of international sex trafficking, which was pretty miserable to watch. I love how this dude is like, this movie totally harshed my buzz. But he gave a 10 out of 10? 10. Even though his buzz was, was harshed.

Pretty miserable to watch. Although killing is wrong. Man. Man. Although killing is wrong, death was never more satisfying to watch. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City, Chicago.

Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out. Stay safe. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you. That was a hit gum podcast.