We Hate Movies - S12 Ep590: Eternals

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

On this week's episode, the gang brings their survey of some of the worst of '21 to a close with the comic book movie that's a real drag, Eternals! Why couldn't they have stayed closer to the comic, both narratively and stylistically? How did they not realize they needed to make Angelina Jolie's character way bigger? And how in the world did they think these non-character Deviant animals were acceptable? PLUS: What if Remy from Ratatouille joined the MCU as the Avengers' cook?  Eternals stars Gemma Chan, Richard Madden, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek, Kit Harington, Kumail Nanjiani, Lia McHugh, Brian Tyree Henry, Lauren Ridloff, Barry Keoghan, Don Lee, Harish Patel, and Bill Skarsgård; directed by Chloé Zhao.  Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, this is the one that almost broke us. It's Eternals. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Turnels. Cabo! And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program as always. Yeah, that's right. This is the final worst of the previous year month episode. We're going out with a bang. It is indeed Eternals, directed by Chloe. Jow and Woof, Wolf City population in this movie.

Oh, yeah. So you got a Sprite turtle? Yep. You got a Pepsi internal? Yep. You got a Mountain Dew internal? Slice a Turnal. You know, what I like to do is I put

some cranberry juice in that Sprite eternal and then I have a nice little cocktail there. But a virgin cocktail because it's a tiny little girl. A Coke Eternal. That's Martin Scorsese, I guess. Mount Dew, I think, would really of flavor called Eternal. Yeah. Oh, totally, dude.

It's like brown and gold or something. Yeah. Oh, that's flying off the shelves. Look up there. See what that deviants do with my wife. The deviant up there with my wife. All right. Yeah. So the basic overview of the plot of this film. Oh, dude. Go for it. Bye. You want to do it? I'll be over here kicking my feet up. No, I was just going to say that there's all these deviants and they started making

art and all these like angel men got robots or got mad about it, angel robots got upset about all the deviant art because it's all the, they're putting, you know, they're drawn Velma in a way that shouldn't be drawn. Yeah, she don't been like that. They're eating fishermen. Why would you do that? Why would you do such a thing? Richard Mann's like, I've just, I've got to stop them. They're making Sonic get pregnant in all sorts of ways. It's wrong to have Sonic get pregnant. We got to wipe him off the face of the NERC, the Ninja turtles ain't supposed to do that. We shouldn't involve ourselves in the stuff

of man. World War II, let's let that happen, but then someone's drawing M-Preg, Captain Kirk, and we got to fight him. We got to eradicate the meme lords. I mean, I guess so I could This is a Marvel Studios

motion picture for those not in the know. So as such, we have to throw it to comic book expert Steve Sadek to shine some light. on just how much they deviated from the source material. Steve Sadek, take it away. So two things. One thing, I'm not an Eternals guy. This is a Jack Kirby joint, and I'm a huge Jack Kirby person,

but it also is incredibly derivative of what he was doing at D.C., which was better. Jack Kirby left Marvel after a lot of stuff in the early 70s, did D.C. stuff, created a lot of awesome characters, including the new gods, which are very, very similar to the Eternals. that was what uh what's her face was supposed to adapt into a motion picture yes which also would have been equally as terrible um if uh what uh aver do verne yes i mean maybe it could have been good but probably not um especially with the dc leadership uh dc movie leadership being what it what it is but uh and that's you got your dark side and your granny goodness all that all that Snyder shit those characters were created out of that run granny goodness that's uh yes well she said that she's very slightly in that but you you know, Mr. Grampy? Yeah.

It's a Grampi. It's just one of the blobs in the extended Jack, Zach Snyder's Justice League. One of the blobs that are near Darkside is Granny. You know, honestly, I feel like I'd rather watch that movie again than this movie. A hundred percent. That's, yes, I will give that. And now people are defending, people were coming at me hot on Twitter for trashing this movie.

Is it just blind IP loyalty at this point? It's like, this is a Marvel movie and a Marvel person. It has to be because I refer. I refuse to believe there are that many fans of this part of the Marvel universe. Like, well, I had never, not that I'm like a huge comic book guy, but like, I'd never heard of this. Well, that's the thing is the eternal, so like the new gods gets canceled. Kirby goes back to to Marvel. He wants to continue with that idea.

So he kind of makes it, and it's a very different comic. I just read a lot of it. And I actually like it, but don't love it. And I'll get into the differences in a second. But that, too, was canceled. And they've never, like, I mean, the thing is. This series has never actually succeeded in comic book form because nobody gives a shit. And I mean, I'm sorry.

I know Neil Gaiman had a cool mini series, so that is a success in and of itself. So like, but I feel like the rule is if you can't put out fucking 25 issues or something without getting canceled due to lack of interest, you shouldn't put $100 million into a film. But it does make sense for the test balloon between the quote unquote phases to make it to make it. I mean, like, I hate to think of it that way, but that's how they're thinking about it. And that's how everybody's thinking about it is one of the most pretentious things of all time. It is. It's so- Phase one. It's so stupid. But like, you do, this is a perfect, like, no weight to it because nobody gives a shit. Yes. But you could do whatever you like with it. And again, hey, if it's a hit, it's a hit. But if it's not, it's not that big a deal. And what, what, you got a, you set up blade. You set up. Did they? Guardians of the Galaxy 3

and you set up probably a Black Knight Disney Plus series Yes And that's and that's good enough That's good enough for them For in the interim Of trying to get a fucking Oscar

I think they'll probably get the second They'll get a second Eternal's out of this It made enough money And now there's these people coming out of the woodworks That like this movie And again it's okay to like a movie

Yes I sure It's okay to like a movie But what the fuck would they do in a sequel I mean I guess Great question You're totally right I mean, that's why I think, Chris, your thing seems a little more feasible or realistic, right? It's like if they just fold this shit into a Guardians movie or whatever.

I think some, I'm not sure if it was Faggy, but somebody came out and said, we're not, we're not particularly interested in looking at more eternal stuff. Oh, really? Okay. They said that outright. And I don't blame them. Well, there's got to be something because, listen. I'm not either. There's got to be something because this is not a company that gets. caught with their pants down with shit like this. And this movie ends with the Eternals will return. And also

but here's the thing, Chris, the Oscar thing is really instructive. Obviously, you got Chloe Schau, huge prestige director. I mean, obviously she became an Oscar ready director while she was making the movie. She directed Amazon lady. Yes. Dude, I'd love to see fucking Kingo piss in a bucket in this film, man.

Oh, he's way too popular for that, dude. He's a super success. Bollywood star. David Strithern's just like, Kingo, I could have a nice home with you Kingo, we could I know we have had bad lives separately, but we could make

something new, Kingo. Dude, straight there and wakes up in the morning, he's making that breakfast and he fucking goes in the bedroom and Kingo jumped out the window running across the backyard to get out of there. Yeah, start up his shitty van. Yeah, Sprite dies of exposure. They have some weird fucking hobo funeral for her.

Oh, yeah, you got to fucking burn that thing on a pyre, dude, absolutely. So, like, I mean, yeah, Steve, I think you're, the whole thing, I never thought about it because I didn't know the history of it. But yeah, like, if you can't make a comic run work, why would you make this into a movie? I mean, like, I only got 19 issues out of this fucking thing before they were like, please stop the master of comics. The whole, like, you know, run of like a television series on one disc DVD. You know, you see that like the fucking Emerald sitcom complete series on DVD and it's a single disc. Why not bring Mantis back as a major motion picture?

Let's do that. That was a time in the comics, right? They were just doing comics of everything. I mean, I was Googling Black Knight after seeing this movie. And it's just like, yeah, there's comics for everything. But Eternals, I just, I'm sorry, there's like nothing to grab on here for me as a viewer. Because I'm, you know, I didn't read it. I'm ignorant or whatever.

But it's like at least like a regular superhero movie. I can wrap my head around. oh a guy in a cape he's got to keep his identity or whatever but this is like they were kind of like angels or something anyway well that's part of it that's fucked up right is and steve you can speak to this more again obviously but like the changing of the source material because they were not angel robots in the comic series what were they the coolest thing i mean and that this is what i really like about they kind of kind of are the kirby series had basically uh earth is just a bunch of apes and then a celestial came down

did some genetic experiments and created three different races. One being turtles, who are beautiful godlike people, two being humans and three being deviants, who are, FYI, just monsters that have voices and intelligence and they have humanoid-shaped monsters. Yes, they can drive cars, they have like cool guns and ships. All the people in my Twitter mentions. All the deviants. not flowy space dogs that make no sense Steve are they like

is it like a Mr. Smith are they all like do they look the same or are they do they all have their own character they all have totally different characters like one's pink one's green one's blue one's whatever and like they have horns they don't and all this stuff and it looks really cool you know what I mean and it's I think that you

like Bill Sarsgaard is the king of the deviance in this movie Crow who's actually a Kirby creation as well who actually in the comment fucks Athena Angelina Jolie they have a secret romance kind of a thing

that's a cooler idea than anything I've seen in this movie by far and this movie like the tail end of this movie when they're like

in the cave on the island and he's like talking to her or whatever and this movie is kind of suggesting all that but like one

this thing just learned to talk 10 minutes ago and this whole idea that they're running around from these motherfuckers you know, they're deviant this and deviant that

and it's just a bunch of different kinds of animals strung together with a bunch of neon cable. Like, yes. And you don't have a moustachioed blah, blah, I mean, honest to God, say what the fuck you want about that Spider-Man movie, but like, you know what's in that?

It's chock full of villains. And they're talking at Spider-Man, and they're a direct threat to Spider-Man, and you understand, like, their motivations. Like, yes. And, you know, how, and think about the scene, Like when, God, these names, when Icarus, right, Richard, Richard Madden, is that the actor's name? Yes. throws Salma Hayek off that cliff onto the ice and, you know, all those deviance murder her.

If that was a rad thing where she was like fighting people that were attacking her, instead of just like these animals, like, get out of here. Well, they did that too with, which is a movie that I like a lot more than this, that Shang-Chi, it's a really cool movie. And then all of these weird gray goblins cut out of a mountain. And I'm like, oh, so that's what we're doing? I don't care at that point I love Shang-chi's father because he's a fucking actor that wants to beat the shit out of somebody

like that's what I want. Yeah, Jess, I agree. But for this, like the dog people and shit, I just, I don't know what's going on and I can't stand. It's because they don't want to actually have like, it's already too stuffed as it is. Can you imagine if this had actual like fully realized

like Doc Ack level fucking villains? this movie would be seven hours long and like honestly this is one of the few movies I'll say it would have been better as a TV show this should have been your Disney Plus because you you suffocate this movie by putting

so much story into it and having to flip back and forth to how this all came to be to also what's happening with fucking Ajax and who killed her oh it's definitely not Icarus even though it's very clearly him yeah it's just

like it's so much story and I'm supposed to also like have fun and feel light it's impossible you're asking too much on top of that they commit all the fucking cliche shit like okay okay where the eternals are now fighting each other oh and now they're back to being together again yay well icarus went away but yay and fucking i got to say it now the worst thing that ever happened to fucking marvel as kevin figgy learning that you could actually film a sunset it's the worst thing because this is the worst looking of the bunch I think I I I'll disagree there I think that there are some really interesting not interesting with the capital I but good looking shots I think the celestials look cool I do I actually like the volcano setting for the end of the film

that it's in daylight on a beach it's a little it's better than fucking just some atlanta fucking garage you know what I mean I mean but it also just looks like a fuck it like I know that it's hack to say it but it it looks like an apple commercial like literally all of it looks like Apple commercial shit. Well, the other problem with, like, the end of it, and, like, we'll get to the chronology of the movie and, you know, as much as we can, but we're jumping all over, and it's short. But I realized, again, one of the biggest problems I have with this movie is how remote everything feels. There are so few, like, tertiary characters because you're

insisting on cramming 10 of these fuckers, 10 Eternals. Way too many. Versus, like, you'd have... you know, fantastic four or like the X-Men, you know, there's a core group. This is 10 fucking people that they're all trying to give weight to and then like when you have scenes like in

like Central America when they go and get Druig and the fucking dumb animals attack that village. All of the people like run away and it's just the Eternals fighting in an empty forest. The thing on the island it's an uninhabited island so it's just the

eternals again. Eventually you sort of feel like they're in like a fucking holodeck program or something because I mean the stakes become very low I mean like the stakes are incredible as high as any Marvel movie's ever been if not higher but you don't feel that

because you don't actually have any humans that actually matter which is a mistake it's and yeah like again with the you know when this um whatever they call it like the birthing of this celestial out of the earth

right if that happened someplace that was like populated then you could at least have some shit, like, you know, Independence Day type city-ish, 75-9-11s, maybe kind of destruction shit, or like people actually being like, oh my God, what's, there's no reactions to this thing. Yeah. Until after it's all over with, when there's some newscaster, two weeks later, like, yeah,

that huge hand that came out of the earth and then magically turned to marble, people are still asking, what's going on? You know, people probably call us a hypocrite or what, hypocrites or whatever, because we set on, like, I think. Batman versus Superman episode that, you know, 75, 9-11s is too much. But honestly, give me fucking something to look at. I mean, if some collateral damage, give me something. As opposed to people just blasting each other with yellow light for 45 minutes?

Wire dogs. You'll get a lot of wire dogs and the wire dogs are very dramatic. If these were like big, fur, furry fucking beasts and like Kingos, like shooting lasers through them and there's blood mist or something, sure. But the thing is, like, he's shooting lasers out of his fingers. That looked like, you know, fake garbage into other fake garbage. And then there's, you know, 10 of these fellers and ladies. And then they stand around, they mope, they question life.

They fight the big God guy, baby dude, sort of, not really. It feels like just everything just happens passively. She just pacifies it at the end. Yes. It is an interesting thing because part of this movie is alluding to climate. changed. And it's funny that they actually do have a solution. Create a huge glacier

out of the god being to dislocate all the glaciers that are melting away. Create a new one out of the god baby that's being birthed out of the planet. That'll fix it. Is it frozen or is it turned into marble? It looked frozen to me. It looked frozen to me

too, but I'm looking on Wikipedia. I'm seeing marble. So I don't know what that. Because I think the thing is at one point she's like oh yeah I'll just freeze it and then we'll figure out what to do later like this the solution to this movie's problem at one point is like we'll just kick it down the road and like I'm gonna hide under a pile of coats and hope everything works out are we sure they're not humans honestly it's better off if it's marvel marble marble doesn't melt we're good baby we're set right to raise the levels of the ocean yeah yeah we're good baby don't you fucking worry we just killed a fucking god being we did it baby It's like a whiskey stone or something. Yeah, Bob Hoskins comes out and yells out, I meant ice. And runs away.

Yeah, so I mean, whatever it starts off and we realize we get a brief idea that Eternals are space beings that are work at the pleasure of the celestials who are enormous space gods. And we get, we see them on their ship on the beginning of their mission to Earth. and Ajax is de Bois and she wakes up Icarus. Salma Hyak's character. Yes.

After a cleaning product. Yeah, she got I think Thor's like hat when he was a teenager on sale. This thing she's wearing on her head for most of this. My God.

And she wakes everybody up and a big problem with this movie. So Richard Madden and Gemma Chan meet each other and he's like, I'm I'm I'm fucking Circe. cut and just not i mean like well they have zero chemistry folks and it's a big problem they're both

terrible actors i feel like that's exposed now yeah i chad started as a robot it's important to remind remember that's what she was first acclaimed for also we can't what wait what she's uh humans it's a it's a it was a show on uh bbc and uh i think fx or who some oh right i know that show yes she she was one of the leads of it and that was her first like big break maybe she's actually playing a really good robot. Maybe I should be complimenting these performances. Yeah, there you go. Holy Toledo. And maybe the family in crazy rich Asians was so rich they could afford to have an android built and call it a daughter that was played by Gemma Chan also. Oh yeah, Android wife. That's, I mean, those are all the rage in Asia. By the way, also, you can't have Rob Stark and John Snow in a

movie saying Circe all the fucking time. It's, I mean, A, just you can't have them both in the same movie. and B, you shouldn't, because neither of them are any fucking good. I'm sorry. Well, and fucking Kit Harrington doesn't even get a chance. He's basically not in the movie. I don't understand what they're trying. I mean, I know that they're trying to set up the fucking Black Knight or whatever. That's it.

That's really it. But I mean, like, it's just, and that's the thing, too, is I mean, you want to, and you said it, Chris, because it's very obvious that this movie was supposed to be Marvel's pushed towards legitimacy, pushed towards an Oscar. Then you have to leave those trappings at home and make a movie that begins, middles, and ends. You can't have the post stinger sequence. Like I just keep thinking of like that that scene at the end of the Seinfeld episode where George is on his in his underwear and Jerry comes in is like,

and you want to be my latex. And you want to be the best picture of the year. Like that's not how that works. Well, Steve, there's another, he, there's another way you can do it. You can just complain and cry and whine to everybody about how you're the richest person in the world, but you don't have it. I don't have an Osco, could you give me one, please?

Just fold mouse into the MCU or what's another American Splendor or something, reboot it into the MCU. Harvey Pekar teaser like fucking Nick Furry has to get Harvey Pekar. You're putting a team together.

All right, I'll go with you, but just wait a second. I've been waiting on this bagel for 10 minutes. Steve, first, a couple of things. One, you mentioned this on our Mortal Kombat Live show, and it definitely applies here. You know you're in trouble from the jump. The movie literally begins with a scroll that says in the beginning.

Yeah, you just can't. There you go. God damn, it's too much. This scroll is terrible. Celestrials, and they created the universe and light. and yeah there's deviance and they made turtles got made to like hunt them

there's this guy named Arisham he created the sun by the way the first one it's just too much like I know the scroll's there to try to get us set for this world but this world is too much shit

jammed it's like you might as well be all in Latin this scroll it's yeah it's it's way too big it's way too much and you need to sort of pick your spot. I mean, that's things like Jeba Chan, who is the lead of this movie for better or ill, and I believe for ill, it's you, she disappears for large swaths. And then

we're worried about Kingo and what he's doing in in Bollywood. And then we're worried about, oh, is Sprite going to do whatever? And it's like, well, then no. And then I have no purchase on any of this. You know what I mean? I have no. Because if if it's all about her and Icarus, because that's the whole point, right? At the end, it's, it's the two of them and their love for one another, et cetera, et cetera, and it just doesn't

it doesn't work. You know what I mean? Andrew, I think you had a great point on the group chat earlier that like Kit Harrington's character is the boyfriend who's just a dude. That's your POV for the audience. That's we, yes. Yeah. Yeah. We need that guy. Take him through the movie, make it him

maybe it's like a one crazy night thing. Well, my girlfriend turns out some internal and she's got crazy friends and here we go. That would be something. Like that's, you know, the whole sequence in London where they are kind of just like walking along and then there's a deviant attack and then like

you know they it looks like you know everything's going tits up and then Icarus comes in and saves them and it's like oh we haven't Icarus we haven't seen you in a while and it's like when Kit Harrington's running around like oh what the fuck's going on what the fuck is that you know and like he's seeing Searcy like do magic for the first time

or whatever it's like that is kind of the most engaging part of the movie for me because I'm watching it through kit harrington right because i'm also experiencing all this for the first time and like the vast majority of his screen presence is his picture on her iPhone when he's calling her and she doesn't pick up the fucking phone yeah the first action scene is by far the most engaging and most interesting to me when you have sprite and all them together i mean it's just i mean everything that the problem with this to me is that whenever

there's a moment to engage with like they make such huge decisions like the Hiroshima decision which is fucking nuts where like I'm like you have to really pat out this you have like 20 minutes

to explain yourself here and you can't because you have to Kingo has to make a Bollywood film don't you know and that's the thing right speaking to Kingo the only other non-Eternal

that has so much screen time is the character of Karoon played by Hirish Pate who I think is the best part of this movie but the filmmakers are totally unconcerned with having him do anything other than step in I will say successfully say funny lines I think the guy is totally great

and he's like a total Bollywood legend by the way the guy has been acting for decades in India and like it's awesome but his joke is just like I'm continuing to film and this is all crazy but I'm like give me more time with this guy because without Kit Harrington, this is the guy that I'm trying to experience the story through

and they're unconcerned with that. No, they are. I mean, and that's the thing too is that I mean, it's just these the set pieces are what they are but they don't actually you don't know what you have a very vague idea what the Eternals are and then they start fighting these

incredibly vague looking dog creatures and you're like, yeah, okay, so then are we going to take a breath? Oh no, now it's now it's present day and Jebichin's just like working at a at a museum okay but then what and then like sprites there and she's changing shape as to

as an adult woman flirting with somebody and you're like wait what and just it all just sort of happens far too quickly and not even to the extent of like the parts I feel like an hour in when the eternals break up or an hour 20 minutes in when the eternals

break up that's the first time I had an idea of what they actually meant to one another which is a bad thing and also like I don't know it's this sounds like a stupid complaint but like you know aside from like here on we hate movies right or other entities like ours i don't believe that you should consider like co-workers like family in that way you know what i mean and like these people are just co-workers and if they kind of like i feel like they need to sort of decide which one it is like are they co-workers are they family

and i guess you could argue like that's what the characters themselves are wrestling in within the movie itself but like I just don't buy it they all appear to be people that are like kind of more or less unconcerned about what happens to the other yeah aside from they can all sort of agree that they're bum that Ajax was murdered and that's the thing too I've said this many times on this show and I believe everyone has agreed I'm a sucker for getting the band back together narrative like that is like something happened in the past and we've got to come over it no man remember the good times from the bad times but it just is so muddled and there's so so many of them.

Is there an hour-long Leonard-Skinnard song to get the whole getting the team back together portion of this movie? Because that's what you would need to get that kind of the energy here. Because it is that but like again, like if you

would split these up into episodes and like tailor them to each fucking character like that makes more sense. The fact that's smashed together like this does it. The disconnected feeling everybody's talking about this fucking episode is that is that you can't hold on to everything

everything slips away no Steve I have a question about the comic sure um just in thinking in along the lines of what Chris was still talking about like when you're reading like an average eternal's issue are all 10 of them like up each other's ass every time or like I've eight issues in and I've met like four

eternals you know what I mean like yeah because they slowly beat that out and yes you're focusing on one two three or four of them at any given time, which is the right number. You know what I mean? Like sounds, tops. Leave the other six for Eternals too. And yes, exactly. You know that they're there, but they're not part of this story right now. But yeah, it's like, it's like X-Men, right?

Like, we know there's dozens of X-Men characters. Yes. But the, like, the films, you know, especially the better ones, focus on a limited number of them. And yes, that number is probably more than 10, but there are like three that have huge arcs, three or four, maybe, right? Like, think about that fourth movie. It's like Wolverine's story, kind of rogue story. And then, like, the Scott Gene mashup shit, right?

But, like, there's, yeah, plenty of other X-Men floating around that are played by lesser celebrities and whatever, you know, that could just kind of, like, come and go from the story. And think about how that X-Men movie starts, the 2001, right? Like, Wolverine thinks he's alone and he's eventually brought in. I mean, there's that fight with Sabretooth or whatever. right but then you then he sees what a bigger world there is with these mutants and it's like I need to see somewhat some like a I need a stepping stone yeah scene or scenes to get me into being like oh those are the those those are the 10 eternals right well I mean yeah I mean Eric

a movie that I think this is in conversation with this and she talked about how Snyder influenced Chloe Zhao talked about how Snyder was an influence on her. This does seem very just this leagy, like the whole thing. I mean, not just the Superman illusions in Icarus, which are pretty stunning.

But like all of it, it all just seems like that's, that's, that idea to make them gods, like to actually treat them like gods. Right. And then but this. Mopee and about like, should they even do this or whatever. All the things that they,

that people like about the Snyder movies that they try to make those like big characters like that and don't make them chit-chat like friends. Like this is literally their nightmare. Like this is the nightmare version they were talking about is this. Right.

I mean, the thing of it is the passivity too because literally what the eternals are doing where you find out is they're literally like kind of doing that thing of like so could we go home or we killed all the deviants like 500 years ago and waiting for a call back like dude they have been i sent him three i sent erisham three emails the last one had an exclamation point i'm not going to send a fourth it's up to him now it's a bunch of

really bored people that have been waiting too long for a ride home yes i'm like i can't even tell you how unexciting that is jesus christ do you have any idea how busy i am it's not like i have assistance, you little fucking twerps. I get billions of emails a day. I'm sorry, I missed yours. But to go piggyback off of that,

I just don't understand their motivation. They've been around for thousands of years. Who gives a fuck if the world ends? Yes. I didn't mean like, don't they want to die at this point? I know Sprite decides to become a real boy Pinocchio grants that power to her at the end

and she can age and die. Yeah, but I mean I just Jepetto, Jepetto Oh yes Jepetto Pinocchio was the boy Here's the thing, they come down Big action scene

We meet all of our Eternals We haven't talked about Which is amazing how This movie is so all over the place We haven't talked about literally The biggest movie star To ever do a Marvel movie Which is Angelina Jolie

Who's a fucking movie star On the clock She might as sorry to interrupt you But she might as well not even be here No, she might as well not be. What the fuck? She's like, she's staring in a corner. Because apparently she wanted this to be a cameo,

but then like Chloe Jauer kind of like showed her all this stuff. And then she was like, oh, I'll do a bigger role in the movie. Sure. I believed in the vision, I bet. Believed in the vision and wanted to be more in the film, which is fine. But like, there's not nearly enough or not enough of her. You know what I mean? Like she's just, of all the characters that I want to know more about,

it's fucking Angelina Jolie. and then like she has this like bullshit like I don't know Alzheimer's problem that I can't understand it's amnesia no no excuse me excuse me it's literally mad weary I'm mad weary yo that's literally what it is that's incredible I think I have that too the idea is because they you know we come to find out the big twist which is a change from the source material is that what's this celestial acroid or what's this fucking thing's name erisham erisham and Yeah, because I might as well. Cone head type of guy. Dude, if they got Dan Aykroyd to voice, because the voice is nobody, obviously, it's just a voice actor. Good for him, get a check.

Yeah, good. If they got fucking Dan Aykroyd, come to me, my Eternals. Listen. Circe, you are now the leader of the Eternals. Yang, yang, gang, and you inherit all the responsibilities we're in. I'm getting a blow job that's 40 feet tall. Celestial blowjobs.

Look into it. Turn it into Crystal Skolvaca. The people love nothing but trouble. We're going to make seven of them. Druig has nothing to do with it. What the fuck is I saying about the Celestials now? Oh, they're... No, no.

Thena's problem is she starts to remember her past lives. Oh, yes. Because Earshim built all of these Eternals as like these basically these beautiful sexy android looking things they're just robots really and you know

she at the end of every like these same 10 beings are sent to various planets sit around till the population gets big enough that another celestial can be birthed out of it and then they get sent back to the mothership mind wiped and sent back out

her Angelina's problem in this movie is that she is remembering all of those past adventures on other planets and it's like scrambling or noodle. It gives her a berser rage and she starts cutting people up. I do not understand the whole population thing.

So I guess because of energy, life, like life gives energy so it feeds the celestial within Earth to be birthed. Yes. But I don't know, man. We have to wait for the population to be big enough. You'd think you'd step in at the Holocaust at that point.

no no don't you do you remember they do the whole they asked the question because of course it's why didn't you protect stop and the answer is humans wouldn't develop the way they were supposed to i need 15 minutes on what's supposed to mean thank you space aliens are invading every fucking day in this narrative the MCU and they don't care and the most interesting thing is in the early part when john snow has to say like are you a are you a are you a like Dr. Strange? Like, that's something you would genuinely have to do now. You would have to ask somebody, are you a fucking God being? I'm dating now? Can I still? Will you let me hit? Will it be

interesting if the Eternals would take, they should maybe take out superheroes? Like, what the fuck's the point of those guys? And I mean, what the fuck is this? Who created these goddamn robots that get mad weary? Oh, you wanted them not to

get mad weary. Oh, that's, That's going to cost you much more, Arisham. This one was set to weary. So, okay, Arisham, I got you, I got you down for 10 Eternals here. No problem, no problem. Easy, peasy. One's going to have mad weary, which you want for some reason. Okay.

Nine of them are adults, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous adults. Why on Earth? You're the space garden. You got the United by checks here. But why would you want an 11-year-old girl out of curiosity? Because it's not even a thing where it's like, okay. speaking on like cone heads like we're like a family

we gotta look like a family and so you gotta be like the little kid right like they're not doing that so like making it a child is fucking dumb and I realize it's a it's a boy child in the comic it's dumb then also it's dumb in any sense

and it's like we're doing Kristen Stewart Chris Dunst rather an interview with the vampire yeah but it doesn't really pay off because I don't know but just it's kind of too creepy for me. I'll be,

I'll be completely honest. I was a little grossed out and the character is annoying. Sorry, folks. Yes, she is very annoying. It'd be great never to see this actress again. But anyway, it's amazing that like the moment,

the subtext between her and Icarus is weird and would be interesting if you didn't at once, just make it part of the dialogue by bringing up the tinker belt, which in turn is a Disney IP drop. I mean, That's not really what it is.

Well, hang on to say. Look, I refuse to think that they're not thinking about shit like that. You say what you will. Maybe I'm the crazy person here, but like I refuse to believe they don't think about shit like that. In the comics, this is something I read, in the comics, okay, so in the 1970s before the IP machine is what it is now, one of the passing references was that, and this is dumb, but they're eternal. So, Sprite met J.M. Barry somewhere and Sprite was the inspiration for Peter Pan. So they have, they have acknowledged this in the comics, Cabin. Okay, but like, you don't have to use everything that's in the comics, even if it's only 19 fucking, fucking page volumes long.

Like, you don't have to use that. They used it because it's part of their IP machine. I totally disagree here because it's about pedophilia in a strong sense. I don't think like, you know what we want to do is back end this with our selling Tinkerbell in this. But like if it's weird anyway, then to just, A, break it by just being like, yes, this is literally what we're talking about is like, but and then to also what I think just make a drop like that, it's, to me, it's unbelievable and it ruins what was one at least a little strange part of this movie.

So, yeah, so Kingo should have said, you know that guy you met that wrote that story about you? maybe i would have maybe like that better i mean i don't know cabin uh from what we've like complained about so far this movie would have benefited from taking a closer look at the comic books yeah i mean maybe like yeah if they used other stuff other than the tinkerbell thing i'd love it started like citizen kane give me a newsreel show me with them with famous people show me them throughout history or whatever to get me up to speed yeah well you can't do that though because then it would be fun and fun equals not serious and this is supposed to

to be the serious NCRU movie. So you can't have like Kingo in Hollywood in the 70s like in a pool with Nicholson or something. Oh boy. Jesus Christ. Go get out of the country. Go to France. Oh, right. I forgot that happened. Yeah, exactly. But the thing that I was trying to say 20 minutes ago was that there's a track record.

You're talking about why would. Eresham make an eternal that could have this madwary Why would Ehrisham make an eternal that's a kid? Eresham has a track record of kind of being shitty at this because his whole thing is like, okay, I sent first

these deviants to the planet to take out all of the apex predators so that the human race could thrive and grow. And then, whoops, I built them wrong. And they became self-aware or intelligent or whatever

and they started hunting the humans so then oh my god to fuck up to fix that office fuck up I had to invent all these Eternals robots and send them down to kill all the deviance my god now I'm way over budget on this project like just hearing this guy talk about how he

fucked up at work is kind of hilarious because you are literally a god being sir what was that principal Skinner thing like that to kill the lizard we just introduce apes and then oh what it's it's when the little

the eggs hatch or something and the little lizards are all over Springfield and it's like we have to introduce this to get the lizards and then what happens when those take over? Yeah,

we introduce the apes to get there, whatever. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And they'll all freeze to death in the winter so it'll be fine.

I mean, Eresham is just a deadbeat dad. He goes around knocking up all these planets. Yep. Cross the universe. And then like when you're asked like hey could you help manage the growth of this child please he's like okay i'll throw a couple

dogs at it uh and then you know the dogs take over they start eating some of the little like energy batteries that are powering your baby and then you're like okay um i guess uh how about some robots we'll send down some robots that'll make the baby happy right that'll keep the baby happy and it does for a while until you bring the fucking dogs back well apparently there are some dogs that got forgotten and they were frozen and then climate change. Climate change. Well, that's the only time this movie remotely

has anything to talk about that is, and it doesn't even talk about it's just like, ah, they unfroes. Look at them, look at them. Look at them. Look at them now those Davians. Like, we thought you had them all and we don't. And that's fine. But like, if I also like, at the end of this movie where they're like,

we are going to, because Kingo you know, Camille and Johnny's character is like, oh, you know I don't uh we can't stop the birth of a billion planets we're talking about billions and trillions of lives if we by not sacrificing earth somebody in that room has been like yeah and by the way i've been looking at the looking at the window it's got like 60 years left like tops absolutely total it actually feels it feels pretty right on the money to have this thing born now because the fucking gas is about to leave the tank and we're about to stall out here exactly

the other thing about all that though is like yes we have to destroy this planet so that celestial can be born and go make 20 other planets i mean my whole question is like the fuck four yep and i don't know that the movie actually answers it there's something where erisham's like oh yes well all of us celestials you know we throw energy all around the universe like a big ping pong table and i'm just like okay like what the fuck do I care? Well, no, it's Celestials have a pretty interesting tax system. The more children you have, the less you have to pay. So, you just start knocking up planets left and right and birthing all these godbeams. Okay, Eresham, you have

2.5 trillion dependents. Give me my money! He must have really hated that blip because then suddenly, like, the baby, you know, went back to the first trimester. Oh, yeah. Ajack.

Ajax, played by Salma Hank, actually says that. She's like, oh, that's what happened was after the blip, which the, and I'm sorry, these new Marvel movies still are grappling with how to relay how that could even, how human beings would survive, which they wouldn't. You know what I mean? Like, there couldn't be society after that. But after the blip, after they all went away or after they all came back? After, since they went away and then, like, Arisham was like, oh, shit. And then they came back and Arisham was like, all right, now's the time kind of a thing. That's why the emergency is happening now, because everybody's back and the population is just, oh, it's just right.

There's always an alien that wants to kill you out there, folks. Actually, absolutely, when Thano snapped his fingers, did like half the celestials disappear, too? That'd be cool. I don't know. What happened to my drinking buddies? shit well no because well if his brother

is one of these machines yeah see well I feel like they're they're gonna have to retcom that right because like clearly Star Fox who comes here at the end of the movie played by Harry Styles which is the only time this movie gets any fucking

charisma in it whatsoever literally in the fucking first mid-credit sequence like he's like yeah I'm Thanos's brother like in the comics and Steve correct me if I'm wrong jump in but like I was getting the feeling that all things being equal Eternals are on the same level

as like Thanos and all that And now because the Robits Exactly that changes it So I don't think Harry Stiles is technically His actual and eternal in the sense Well that's what Pat Lonswell calls him is he calls him Thanos his brother It's very you're right

It's very confusing because I think in the comics And I'm not a Marvel guy But the Eternals The Celestials kind of set up shop On all sorts of different planets And put a lot of different Eternals all over over the place and Thanos is sort of an eternal as is Star Fox

It's incredible because that's the moment like it's Harry Stiles who is he's very charismatic I mean just in general but like they they borrow Guardians of the Galaxy's sauce for this one scene to give you a kicker out the door

because like my God if I had foreigner in this film before this I'd have been so happy but like of course you have to have feels like the first time at the end of it because it's the beginning of the new phase. And I just wanted to kill myself. There was some pop song in the beginning

when we go back to Earth. When we go back to Earth and the idea, Gemma Chan, Circe's like kind of Oh, Time by Pink Floyd. Human weakness is that she likes Instagram, which is, you know, there you go. That's something. They're just like us.

Yeah. Fuck. You just imagine people like, like, like she's like posting self she's like she's a fucking eternal she never even had kids so you know how she has that body right isn't it like

she's a robot from space and it's fucking creepy she's fucking like a dude who's like I don't know what 30 or under yeah it's like total pedophilia right I mean she's like 5,000 it's disgusting I mean it's fine

he's hot she's hot And I mean, and that's the thing too So one thing this movie gets a lot of credit for Which I don't think is deserved Is the quote unquote sex scene So like Dude, people who praise that sex scene Tell me you haven't seen a real sex scene

Without flat out saying you haven't seen a real sex scene These people like, oh yeah Yep, look at that Oh my God, the eroticism There was more eroticism in the McGruber sex scenes Let's be honest with ourselves certainly more thrusting As far as superhero movies go

fucking Michael Keated hit it and quit it with Vicky Vale 30 some odd years ago like and you know what they didn't do beforehand get legally married which of course they had to do in this movie they had to get legally married before they had

sex because only mommies and daddies are allowed to do that and it's okay I guess if they get they have a fun little wedding ceremony and it's their wedding night that's what we all have to aspire to now she's got a microchip in her belly yeah it's a nice day

for a robot wedding I totally did not notice that the first time Steve but last night I was like oh this wedding ceremony hits right before that sex scene doesn't exactly damn you Disney god damn you I guess that would be wrong if it's pre-marital sex

for fucking like first of all Eternals would be going through the human population like nobody's business. Yep. Absolutely. And that's why like I wanted because like there was something about parts of this movie and I don't know I don't know what but I guess it was because it felt so not like a Marvel thing to me. It felt like I was like watching an adaptation of like a non-marvel comic and the only thing that sort of jumped to my mind was the feeling of like when I read Preacher and like those are some scumbags in that movie in that series right those are some fucking scumbags all over that story and like I realized last night I was like I want there to be scumbags like you need you know like this fucking druid guy oh he's a scum bag dude but like I got to see him doing scuzzy shit do you know he has a whole village under his command yeah he's doing David caress shit all the time everyone in that village has been fingered and whatever else it would be great

if they're like landing in the village and all they hear is like it's just all over the place everyone is getting fucked at once yeah it's creepy because he can command everyone to fuck each other just this fucking large Bacchanal this orgy he's walking to each tent

to like look in and different sex scenes and jerk off himself and it's played by notorious boy creep Barry Cogan just one of one of our favorite boy creeps he's great at it He's really, that's what you get him for. He's fantastic. In the grand tradition of Jesse Eisenberg, he really does do a number here.

Where's he, where's he creeped out people the most? It's got to be killing of a sacred deer. That's a big one. That's the one. He's very unsettling in the Green Knight. I really like him in that movie. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like Scravenger guy. Yeah, and yet another boy creep. He was supposed to be why the last man, which would have been way more interesting if he was the character. If he was the guy that got canceled. Yeah. Yeah. Does someone get canceled off of that? Oh, no, no.

You say boy, creep and cancel. My ears perka. Some hot goss. Yeah, so whatever. We get a flashback. We got some flashbacks. I feel like this is how they're like showing you.

You know, oh, here's how the Eternal used to fucking do their thing or whatever. Meanwhile, I'm like, I don't know, I kind of just want a movie where the Eternals are doing their thing and not in these like garbage flashbacks that are just informing shit. I want it to be part of the movie,

but we go back to 575 BC. We're in Babylon. Yeah, baby, this is great. The gates of Babylon. I've seen these things in person. It's pretty cool. Oh, is that right? Yeah, they're in Berlin because of Europe, you know.

Oh, yeah. Sticky fingers. But I thought they did a good job of doing the CGI render of the city walls. It's kind of cool. Yeah. But like so they're all like partying because like this is where 575 BC is like they have destroyed all of the. They're celebrating. They're like, all right. After this job, that's it. We've killed all the deviants or whatever. And this is the first. Please I have a family. Sorry, deviant. What'd you say, wire dog? Cut that fucking wired dog's head off

And fuck it I want you to fuck it It's in Babylon baby It's practically the only time We could do this and get away with it But what was it Oh well this is like the first scene Where we see someone getting

Sort of called up to talk to Eresham Like this is Selma Hayek Asa Jek gets like She's got this little like gold ball That pops out of her body when she's like getting a phone call from him or whatever and she's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hold on one second.

Oh, I'm getting something. All right. Yes, Arishap. No, one second. One second. One second. Dude, let me tell you. I mean, Eric, I think you were right to praise the digital rendering of the village walls and

whatever city walls. But like, any time we're doing this talk to Erisham floating in space thing. Oh, it's garbage. It's abysmal. It's so. so bad. It's stunning. I agree.

I think that there's some celestial shots at it. Like full body celestial shots are good. The two celestials at the end look good. Celestial full body. What is this? My search history? I'm not talking about the way the celestials look. I'm talking the way.

Yeah. The Eternals look floating in space. It looks horrible. It takes you right out of the movie. It looks like you're watching a fucking audition tape. To give it some credit, I do like all the eyes and the, multiple horn things or whatever is on its head. Once again, I don't have a problem with the way

Ehrisham looks. I think the Celestials look cool. But when you do shot reverse shot of them talking to this thing and you go to the reverse shot of the human actor and this is you know, I think there are times in this movie where Chloe Jow's very like sort of the sort of floating close up, you know, shot that she does, kind of it works until you realize that you're like just in a Marvel movie and then you realize the

movie from scene to scene kind of looks night and day but whatever uh but where it does not work is when it's applied here and it just it looks so bad like you're filming a friend of yours on a bad cell phone in a dark parking lot so back in the modern day we're dealing with uh there's a dead body at a ranch i almost thought we were in my home and dry for a minute and I got very excited but no it's Ajax they found

Ajak dead and then like before any like the Gemichad goes down and he's like oh oh my friend and then just all the start

Richard Mann's like it must have been deviance the deviant yeah we found deviant dinner Jack and I'm like oh so he did it

okay cool that's that's maybe I wasn't paying quite as much of attention the Richard Madden turn at the end was not, I didn't see that coming.

I didn't piss my pants surprised, but I didn't see it come. You know, I think I might not have initially saw it coming either, but at that point in the movie, I had turned on the movie to such a degree that I just couldn't possibly give a shit. You know, that's exactly where I was to her, because I was like, all right, whatever, man. Because again, look, that's kind of an interesting idea.

And Icarus, even the Kirby stories, is like the main guy. So to do that, the one person that really cares about the intro, I was like, oh, come on! but like everybody else doesn't care at that point yes yeah

the only thing I did want to mention about the tail end of that Babylon scene is like that's where they have their big falling out and like the band breaks up but I think Drewig wants to save humanity other people kind of do

we love to talk about Makari whose character has no motivation whatsoever she's just around yes but Druig by the way wants to violate the prime directive. Yes. Right. Which is a big problem.

And this is also around the time that Angelina Jolie's brainworms come into effect and Gilgamesh is like, hey, let's, I'll take care of her. I'm still, did anyone, are they in a romantic relationship or are they not in a romantic relationship?

Because it's not really clear to me. The movie won't tell you. No. I mean, but I know they're not legally married so they can't have that. That's why. that's why. That's exactly why. Like, I'm sorry, you're living with someone for thousands of years in a desert in Australia. Yeah, you're fucking each other. I mean, but it's also just reverse Hulk Black Widow. Oh, it's absolutely that story. It's just like the same thing. I was like, okay. And I'm like, I do want to point out, now that we are mentioning Gilgamesh played by Korean actor Don Lee. Woohoo. Fucking rules. I have to say, I think he is one of the bright spots here. I think he gives a great performance. I think he gives a great performance. he is hitting the right kind of tone for what I think they were going for is like yeah he has his moments where he's being very serious and where he is doing like the action stuff but he's also managing to bring a kind of subtle humor that's not exactly the and so that happened just weed and garbage tone yeah that isn't in this movie that much I mean there's a little bit of it there's some like it's king go right it's king go does that a couple times some sprite stuff where it's like, well, that happened the kind of stuff, but that's about it.

But that's, it does remind me though that any time, and the movie would have been so much better if this was absent, but like that dinner scene where they go to Australia and find Gilgamesh and Thina living together to let them know, you know, that Salma Hayek's Ajax got murdered.

And they're having dinner and it's like Sprite out of nowhere. I mean, this was in the trailer. She's just like, so who do you think's going to lead the Avengers and I'm like, the fuck do you care? The fuck do any of you care? Why the fuck do you even know about these people? It kind of takes me out of the movie when they do the usual MCU nods

to the rest of the MCU because it kind of doesn't feel like an MCU film which I guess is why some people like it. But it just, it feels like nothing fits in place together. Nobody really did like this. I mean, it did finally get its money back, but like remember it had it starting out at least it was about as ill-fated as, I mean, like...

People love the movie, Chris. Do they? Some people love it. Some people, like, some people love everything. Some people love that fucking Dana Garvey movie, Master, Disguise. I can't fucking account for them. I can't fucking deal with them. I mean, I do think that the, there's only a few MCU, or this. One, they talk about the blip and that, they know, said, blah, blah, blah.

And then I think even that's because Ajax's motivation, like, they have a great power to overcome whatever. but there's Kingo at the table and it makes no sense whatsoever I was like oh yeah I used to know Thor when he was a baby now he won't return my phone calls like you're calling Thor on like what how also

weren't you just a robot that were implanted on earth and you had no memory before that am I nuts did I get that wrong no Steve you know what they're doing right there is they've been they're trying to tell you which of these people are the people you used to like Gilgamesh is your Hulk and then

Athena is your black widow and they're just you're reversing their their relationship there. He is your Thor, the one who's a little bit more rowdy and fun and you know a little that and it's just like by the hand telling you just it's the same shit it looks a little better or like it looks

more like an Apple fucking phone commercial well if you ask Kumal what he was like pulling from for this character it's like a a Bollywood actor who I don't know and fucking John McLean.

What? He was like, yeah, Bruce Willis as John McLean and the Diehard movies and another Bollywood actor, those are my influences. I was like, what? I did not get that.

I did not get those flavors. Apparently, Arrow Flynn as well was mentioned, but you don't see that at all in this, really. If you mean just flashy, just say flashy. Yeah. But I mean, and again, like he's flashy all this and we, joke, but, you know, that he lost all this weight

and he got in this incredible shape. The end of the movie, he's like, guys, I will see you all later. And I'm like, wait, what? Insane. What is going on with that? Honestly, like, I mean, you know, make fun of them all you want, but he has at least a presence and stuff. Yes, exactly.

And he's not completely super serious dour, mopey, crybaby shit like the rest of the Eternals. I would have been happier if I was at Kingo the movie. I was just jealous of him leaving because, like, I would like to go too. I would like to go with Kingo.

Hold on. We're allowed to leave? Oh, cool. It's the Kingo way to watch the movies. You get up and leave in the third act. You hear one line about BTS and then you fucking go. Thank you. Thank you, Kingo.

Brian Tyree Henry is, I will say, Brian Terry Henry is really good in this movie and is probably the most interesting of the Eternals, but he also gets sidled and doesn't, you know what I mean, goes all around. I don't know. It just,

it's, Well, that's, I mean, like, I think Brian Tyree Henry is great. I've seen him on television in movies. I saw him in a play. Like, the dude is awesome. And I feel just like, because I've seen him in so much, like, can confirm he's not letting it fly

in this movie. Yeah. I think he's good, but I just feel like they're not letting the character like really go. And I'm sorry, like, the end of the movie, he's basically responsible for just like keeping Richard Madden on a fucking leash while the rest of them are going and doing it. Like, come on.

Man, I don't know. You're right. I mean, this suffers, again, from having 10 Eternals. That's way too many Eternals. And that's the thing, too, is like, you know, another one of the things that this movie gets, it's celebrated for. And I do think that it gets, it deserves some of it just because it's a,

it's an actual out, out and out gay superhero. It's there. At least it's there. But he actually, he actually kisses a man. I was totally shocked by that. Good on here for that. And this movie, it's kind of amazing.

This movie was getting banned in more conservative countries. and Angelina Jolie and Chloe Jauer like that's bullshit and Disney was like we're not gonna, you know what? Then we're, then you don't get them, we're not gonna censor the movie. Here's a censored version of the movie.

Yeah, I just come around the back. Yeah, we will not censor that. That kiss is really important. Why don't you come by in like 1130. I got a censored version for you. Is that right? Did that happen? That's, I mean, according to Wikipedia,

there are edited versions of this in countries that are not cool with it. That is interesting. but by the way, you could remove his character completely from the film and it would be basically unchanged. Well, he's the one that actually is the most, he's not in the first, I don't even like, he's in the

first scene, he's not in the middle hour, but the last hour he becomes incredibly important. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, excuse me, he invents the fucking plow. He does invent the plow. And it's supposed to be a big, hey yuck, he yuck, yuck. And it is not a big he yuck, yuck, he's a pain in the ass.

Gone for most, now the movie folks at four and a half hours and he's in it for like it feels like 30 minutes he's in the film yes no no it's not yeah because he disappears he wants to do he wants to do science stuff and they do have that

really awkward Hiroshima scene which we can just talk about right now sure they talk about like oh you're trying to get fastest that's his name fastos I think yeah yeah oh you want fastos to come back huh I don't know about that probably going to be pretty

Hard. Fastos gave up the human race sort of like first quarter of the 20th century if you know what I mean? And then it's like boom cut to aftermath of Hiroshima in 1945 and I was like and I

was not prepared. I'll tell you right now. I heard about this. I heard I heard about it before I went to the movies to see it and even still I was like you've got to be kidding. And he's weeping on the floor and Ajax, you know, Salmahawk is like consoling him and it's like oh it's so it's so sad that this had to happen like didn't have to happen

eternal did it and also like all the stuff leading up we read the news the last six to 10 months and or a couple of years like what was going on in germany like those concentration camps which we're not going to talk about that I guess everybody's just chill with yeah well I think that the Hiroshima thing it's just like one step too far the hall you know everything else it's like Oh, boy, that's a bag of worms. A lot of trouble there in Europe. And then when this happens, like, damn it, the baby's setback again,

that poor celestial. Well, isn't the murder of six million people also a fucking setback for their stupid baby planet plan or whatever the fuck? Don't ask me what the eternals fucking care about. It seems like they're pretty selective of their tragedies. Yeah, it should tell you something that in the moment after this, as he's going through the aftermath,

he's not trying to save the people he might be able to. crying in the middle of it just weeping over what has happened it's the really sad version of so that happened so that happened and there's literally nothing I can do about it I'm sure there's definitely not people on like the outer rim of this blast fucking burned and needing assistance and

having their teeth fall out of their fucking head immediately all the eternal's like oh that is just too much that's ridiculous that's a goddamn ridiculous I'm pissed up about that. But at the same time, my suit's getting powered up in my body because of the radiation. Oh, right. Eresham sent an email back

re-holocaust. Don't get involved. Well, that's it. I just no, I sent an email. It was a really long email in a bulleted list. Daddy said no. So I guess the Holocaust continues. Drewick is just going around the perimeter with a gurney by himself, being like,

you guys want to help me? Anybody? I know I'm not supposed to help these but come on guys really Hitler was just he was such a good public speaker that the Eternals were like under his sway also I just don't get like why some

levels of intervention are okay and others aren't right if the whole thing is like you just need to let humanity like do whatever so they can become the best whatever it would stand to reason that you would interfere with Robert Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb wouldn't be

made, right? And so, and then it's like, an esteem engine is what Fastos wants to give the, the Babylonians, or maybe it's the Mesopotamians, I don't remember, a steam engine. And they're like, no, no, no, no, these motherfuckers can't handle a steam engine. And that's when he's like, well, here's a plow. And I was like, well, so now you're just kind of doing an ancient aliens thing. Yes, yeah. Absolutely. So, like, but that's interfering with, so, like, their whole, their whole stance is fucking bullshit. It's absolutely. bullshit. But here's the thing, is if they had interfered in all these grand tragedies and horrors of history, the people of Earth might not be so ready to be killed off. Because now,

as of now, dealing with all that stuff, we're all ready for the grave. Oh, absolutely. Just dealing with the last five years has made us ready for the grave. But beyond that, we have a full memory of every terrible thing that's ever happened now. And we want to die. And therefore, the baby can be birth. The fucking Celestial Baby can be birthed and no problem whatsoever. Take me now, Celestial Baby. Please. No, no. Let the celestial baby come out. Let Tiamit or whatever the fuck his name is. It would be great if at the end of this movie, not the middle of this movie, one of the middle of this movie is when they go and they have to get their ship and it's in Iraq. And they're like, oh, let's go find our big old ship. Oh, no. It's all those dead

children on top of it. We should have got involved in this war in Iraq a couple of like, get them off of there. Get them off of there. That's really biting that ass. We've got to go to the fucking car wash. I just realized the thing by the way, Kevin, you was talking about like the last five years and how like the state of this planet has us ready for the grave, which

I'm not going to fight you with. But it just made me think about this movie's like kind of cowardly thing about global warming because like, yeah, that's kind of what we're doing. But the movie, it has a real opportunity to address that and it does it. Like they don't put the nail on the head. when Richard Madden is talking about those

deviance that came out of the ice, he could have said global warming got so bad that this ice shift happened and they came out. What he says is like that fucking dumb, we didn't talk about it, but, you know, early on in the movie, when we get to London and are introduced to present day, Gemma Chan, there's this, we're told, a worldwide earthquake. And so Madden, first of all, Well, and then you got nobody on the planet talking about this earthquake, which, okay, you're talking about a global earthquake. I feel like that would be a topic of discussion you could have a scene about with, like, human beings, but we're unconcerned with human beings. Maybe Blade's going to talk about it. I bet he will. I'll bet he has a lot to say about this earthquake. Oh, God, I really hope not. I wish, I want John Madden to talk about it. Sure. Get him back from the grave. The earthquake is coming in. It's coming in everywhere.

See, the problem was You had to get out there ahead of the global warming And now what happened was You got this earthquake Coming in from the back side QB doesn't even see him And bam

Global size And you got Kingo coming in With his finger goes Goat Bum bum bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum The deteriorating defense up here You see the ozone Completely gone

Absomided I wish fucking John Madden Was a goddamn eternal man Me too That's a opposing figure Yeah Some kind of authority he'd never be able to get to that island

to help out though, Steve, because he can't take a bus to an island. That's a very good point. Famous non-flyer he was. Oh, really? Yeah. It's him and Lars von Treer. Interesting. Both twisted motherfuckers. But so, yeah, like now we're looking around, we're getting the band back together. We meet up with Kingo

and we have this very large Bollywood sequence, which is fine, but not really before this movie. It's not. It's not. I know. I'm really trying to be nice. It's how the fuck How in the ever-loving fuck do you make a beautiful Bollywood dance number boring Somehow this movie figured out

I feel like everybody You know how like sometimes when you hear things about like Bruce Lee and other martial artists who have had their skills like put to film The filmmakers would be like hey can you I think this specifically with Bruce Lee was like can you slow down what you're doing

like so we can catch it on camera I feel like that's what what they're doing here? Like, can you kind of slow this down and do this at like half or quarter speed? Like, it's just this, it's way too lazy's wrong because they're not being lazy, but it just, it doesn't have that sharpness that Bollywood numbers often come with. Hey, could you take the jubilation down by like 20%? That's exactly.

We want about 20% less jubilation in a Bollywood film, you morons. Kumil is not the guy for this. And again, I really like the guy. he's fucking hilarious and I think he's good in stuff but and you know you read all these stories this is the scene he was the most uncomfortable by because he's not a song and dance guy and I'm sorry it shows like it's

that's a skill that people have and some people don't and I certainly don't have that Coomel in this number in this movie is my dad dancing at a way well that's the thing is like you can't really compare Bollywood with the MCU because it's just so even American

you know blockbusters because they're so sterile at this point and the jubilation you're right because there's not a real genuine emotion left in the MCU I mean if this movie had the stones the end of the end of this movie should have been a huge

Bollywood dance number like you know what I mean like really like you do that and again like because that's the problem too and again and you want to be my latex salesman this movie does not have an ending it's I'll see you next time and that doesn't happen in Oscar winning film sorry you don't do a sequel

set up for an Oscar winning felt just save it for when Dev Patel plays Mr. Sinister I'm half hard not bad honestly is that being floated around or what no no that's just the thought because of the hair the the facial hair from Green Knight made me think of it oh

yeah I could see that but isn't this also like violations of their prime directive and in interfering in human society in some degree the fact that he's a movie star for did it's multiple generations he played his grandfather and father and shit.

I kind of was entertained by that. It's a funny joke. Don't get me wrong, but it's still like you are interfering with human society to some degree. Suddenly some other guy that could have been a Bollywood star is now not. Sidling up to J.M. Barry, too.

You know what I mean? Tell him some stories. That's the thing too. You're right, though. It's not just like saving lives and killing lives. It's like affecting the earth. You know what I mean? And that happens when you walk down the street.

Exactly. Ever hear about the butterfly effect? Come on, folks. It would be funny, though, if, like, Kingo had to keep on, like, doing public funerals. Every, like, for every iteration of him, he had to be like, okay, it's about time. Do the makeup, put on the hair. Let's get me in a glass case. Yeah.

And then put me in the ground. I think that's right, right? It's like he announces, like, he's going to retire from acting, right? So he's been doing it for several years. He's having, you know, he's having, like, Karun put, like, some white highlights in his hair, make him look kind of little salt and peppery. And then he's like, all right, now I'm retiring from acting. And then he waits a little while, introduces himself again as the next relative,

kills off the other one, has a Lenin-esque funeral, absolutely. Does nothing for the dozen or so natural disasters that ruin his gun, rules. Nope, not at all. but they say even he and Sprite used to be a team and they were hanging out all the time but then he was like yeah man it was just kind of hard because everyone was like

why isn't that little girl getting older so I had to ditch you yeah totally he was like oh hey Sprite could you do me a favor could go to the convenience store and just grab me a Coke real quick it's like yeah no problem

King go oh no Kingo, I got your I got your soda. Oh, he said he was going to put me a nanny. Yeah. Yeah, so they're like, hey, Kingo, bummer news, man,

Ajax was murdered. The deviants are back. We got to go. And so now we get on Kingo's private jet that he has. And this is a thing I don't care for. I like the crew and character. I think it's a great performance. I think he's got a lot of funny lines.

I don't like this whole like I'm making a documentary as like a fake way to get more exposition out. Like do do better than this. All this like shaky cam shitty video stuff that I'm looking at. Well, this adds the only moments of levity in the film as well when various other eternals destroy those cameras. And I'm not saying that's actual levity because it sucks. I mean, I agree with you, Andrew.

I think he's one of the best characters, and this is another way you could have someone be introduced to the Eternals and take us through it for a POV for the audience. But some of these gags, man. It is just unbelievably funny for Sprite to call Kingo a fake friend in the middle of this disastrous thing that's happening.

Yeah. I'm like, at this point, I'm like, I don't care. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, what happened in Macedonia? I don't give a shit. It's all they care about because they're fucking, you know, clipping their toenails during the Holocaust, dude.

Like, they don't give a shit. Nobody cares. It's all about interpersonal relations. And it's just home listening to my chemical romance and sulking about it. It's like turning on days of our lives on, you know, episode 10,000. And you're like, oh, so the eyepatch guy was with her and then with him and then this happened. Mm-hmm.

And it's just them rehashing that shit. I couldn't give a fuck about any of the Eternals I'm sorry So they do from Mumbai they go to Australia Which we already talked about except for the thing that happens here is

Gemma Chan She has already gotten out of the corpse of Salma Hayek The little gold floating ball That Ajax uses to communicate with Accolid there And ends the Quidditch match as well

She ends it immediately which you grab it You know, she's trying to figure out how she can, like, use it to call to, like, go, you know, talk to Eresham or whatever. And they're like, well, just go, we're going to stay in here and just keep chatting about our favorite friends, the Avengers. You go sit out on the lawn under that tree and I don't know, maybe you'll communicate with him. And it happens. Immediately. And, you know, she goes up and this is where we get all the information about the emergence. and he's like, sorry to let you know this way,

but I figured an in-person meeting would have been better than an email. Here's the truth about your existence, sexy robot lady. You're a sexy robot lady. Well, that's it. Back to Australia with you. All right, listen. So, yes, we're going to tear the earth open

like a fucking broken condom. It's going to be destroyed. But make sure all of you Eternals have your travel vouchers for your next assignment. It's very important. I don't want you guys not expensing this properly. It's a huge hassle for me when you don't do that. Also in the interim, I'm going to need you guys to work on my taxes.

This new baby's got to count for this quarter. I can't tell you how important this is. And the other thing we should mention is so they're like, before this encounter, the Eternals are all like, well, whenever Eresham comes back to pick us up, we're going back to our home planet of Olympia. And then this is where he's like, by the way, that home planet totally doesn't exist, and I built you in something, I'm deciding to call the world forge. Oh, come on.

What, I mean, just whatever. And you have these, like, Gemma Chan is standing in what is like a simulation of the room where these things were all built. And she's standing next to a not yet finished version of herself. and let me tell it once again ladies and gentlemen I don't like something's got to be going on with the special effects budgets I think someone

is siphoning money off the top and this is all that they have left because like Gemma Chan's standing in this room where there's supposed to be like rows of these unfinished robots I can't I sound like a broken record but that also looks absolutely dreadful

it does and I mean all we're doing right now is just ripping the matrix at a big bad way it's a middle of the it's a middle of the movie twist it's about the the celestials using human beings as batteries essentially and et cetera et cetera and by the way your reality is what you thought it was etc you're a robot and i mean like it's just and it doesn't hit because i don't care about anybody i do not care about any person and angela jolie is i keep like having to like push past people to look at angela jolita jolie and an angelina jolie movie it's very bizarre

It's really weird that she's in this movie. I'm sorry. I find it really strange. I mean, I think the whole thing screams of not knowing where to put the camera, like having too much to put it because, like, yeah, I actually think her fighting style is pretty interesting. I think during the action scenes,

her fights are the most interesting, the way she, oh, by far. Swords stuff. But, like, yeah,

there's this unbelievably interesting little moment when Gilgamesh finds out that Ajax was killed, where he literally tears a cast iron pan in half. Yes. and it's just this minor detail in the background. You could have made that like a shot, you know, and maybe have an emotional moment with this character

but you've got to keep moving. You have to keep going. Another scene coming. I mean, again, we only have three hours to get an entire mythology out. You know what I mean? Which is not actually that much time for 10 mother effing characters. And that's the thing

with like, you know, I don't know if it was figy directly, but somebody was like yeah, we're not doing the whole thing like we did with the Avengers where they're all going to get their little movies and then they're going to come together as one big group. We're just doing the big group. What we're going to do is almost exactly what Justice League did. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to say that. I'm sorry. Pretty sunsets. Yeah. I mean, that's fine because no one's going to see a fucking Kingo movie or a Gilgameshville. Well, I just said I would rather see a Kingo movie than this movie. But you do, you do a

prequel, well, you do a thing where maybe that's the TV show, right? You go through all their each Eternal gets a few episodes and then you do this movie when people are excited because they know what the fuck this is. Or you do a thing

where it's like this first The Eternal's movie was just a few of them. Well, that's the movie. The arc is a bringing the band back together thing. And honestly, what you needed at least, if you were doing it that way, and you have this first movie

one of them they're Avengers is fucking doing something maybe it's like a small role but like it's there to sort of ease that transition and there's just maybe like I don't know

four of these fuckers you have to worry about and then Eternals too is we gotta go get fucking fastos and whoever else like yeah they tried to just

do the thing that didn't work for another company and they thought they could do it better and they did not please put Chris Pratt in this the shit he's been doing

otherwise has been horrendous, and I include his life in that. Yeah, dude sucks. I'll disagree. I'm happy that there's no MCU or is in this to keep it. At least feeling, and that's one of the things I will give this would be some credit for. There's zero people in this with screen presence.

Sure. I mean, no, I agree. Maybe Kingo comes the closest. That's where we're at. But I mean, I like Barry. That's, I mean, like not screen present necessarily. It's the characters. It's the character's script. You've got Angelina Jolie. Barry Cogan, Brian Tyree Henry, these are people that could be in a movie

that would light it on fire, but they aren't allowed to because they have to talk about the fucking the world forge and unimined. I don't even know what else is. Oh, man, Unimine. I just can't. I just cannot. I don't want to leave Lauren Ridloff off this.

She's the actress who plays Macari. I think she's great. I saw her in a play actually a while back. She's a really great actor. But what is she doing this? She's just jumping around fucking collecting things like a little stinker. You know,

again, they sort of intimate you know, that she's had some sort of past relationship with Drewig. Drewig there. You know, it's not super direct. It's also not

super hidden. It's kind of like right in the middle. Could you use more of that. I will say, they have more heat in chemistry than Madden and Chen. By Miles, I say. I felt the heat between them. Like the end of the movie when Barry Gogan, like, she realizes that Barry Gogan is still alive

and like they come together and he, they sort of like connect foreheads. Like they just sort of like put their heads together. Like that is a more striking moment than like the entirety of, uh, Cersie and fucking, uh,

I mean, well, they wouldn't weren't allowed to kiss because they didn't get legally married. That's right. Um, yeah. So they're all like kind of not really thrilled about the news and they're like, well, you know, we need to figure out a way to stop this thing. What if we, you know, put it to sleep? Well, who could do that? Our good buddy Druig could do that. So it's back, we're back west going to Central America to find Druig. And he's living in a very small village in the jungle, weirdly controlling people, hopefully with like some gross sex stuff going on, but not in this movie.

happening on the sidelines, you know? Oh, absolutely. The sidelines. Like right off screen, folks, there's some nasty shit happening. And then, uh-oh, deviant attack, guys. Oh, man, deviant attack.

It's so exciting, dude. The deviants show up, and they look like, I don't even know what, and they just kind of flutter around and, you know. One of the biggest laugh lines for me is in this movie, in this moment right here, in the movie where it's Circe and Icarus

just having another boring moment together like in the jungle and Icarus is like Circe there's something I want to and then he gets yanked away by this flying deviant dude it is unintentionally hysterical it is very funny and I was like

holy shit something's happening in this movie finally it's been it's been on for three hours here we go and then he just comes back he's just like I'm fine. I got to say I like the laser beam eyes. Those are fun to look at. I thought that's pretty cool. What's that

X-Men that does that? Cyclaws. I just, I couldn't stop thinking about. Oh, yeah. Cyclops. Yeah, why can't this isn't the space pirate that birthed Cyclops, right? No, it's not Corsair. Cyclops's father. Okay. Nice. Nice. And look, by the way, I love that this motherfucker could be like Corsair. Yeah. It's Cyclops' father. And earlier in this episode, proclaimed to not be a Marvel god.

Not that much of a Marvel guy. Sure. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you don't know any of them Cyclops' second cousins, but that fucking Glep-Clop father name you got down. But, you know, this whole sequence is, I think, a pretty good action. It is, but I mean, the deviants wind up

being nothing. They're no ones. Nothing. They are active. Like, because I mean, like, it'll be one thing if, you know, because, again, and look, there's this thing about, like, how Peter Sarsgaard's character absorbed Ajax power. Bill Scars Guard. Bill Scars Guard. I get those mixed up

with all those scars, all those scars. He absorbed her power and now he could start almost talk and like, oh man, it's the beginning, a new beginning for the deviants. And he gets cut into confetti. He disappears. There's another scene where he does this whole thing. He

kills Gilgamesh, absorbs his power and he disappears from the movie. And I don't even know what he's doing there at the end. It's insane. It's insane. He kills a great character, which I'm sorry, like, Sprite was right there. Gilgamesh fucking eats shit, saving Thina. She has one of her fucking episodes and just like stands frozen watching this dude get murdered, which like, she never kind of comes to grips with by the end of the movie, but. Andrew, she's mad weary. As are we all. Indeed. But he stands up after taking Gilgamesh's powers and he just goes,

you are not Savior's Eternals. You are murderers. Bye-bye, movie. I, you know what? I don't know. Get away for, to make that guy talk at the start, you know? Yes.

Figure a way to do that so that I know that there's, I don't know, some kind of motivation, some kind of presence behind these gleep-glop dogs. like the point of the deviance in this movie is obviously the red herring because the real evil is the eternals themselves you know, Icarus, etc. And that's fine. But the way

to do that is then not have Peter Bill Scarsard at all, just have them be dog monsters which I wouldn't like either. But at least then like they're just a bunch of noise and they disappear throughout the middle of the movie and you're like, oh yeah, they weren't the big thing. When Bill Scarsgaard

comes back to fight her, I'm like who are you and why are you fighting her? what happened. Yeah, and I don't even believe they say the character name, do they? Does Angelina say it? Maybe, maybe not. I don't think so. Crow, K-R-O.

Is that the name? Yeah, that's the name because he's, and he's a huge character in the comic, and that's cool, but not in this version. But no, they're all deviates. It's all wire dog, wire bird, wire cat, wire fox, and, like, that's it. Like, it would be insane if she said that name at the end of this movie. I'd be like, where did you get that name? Or was this the flying one?

maybe I'd get crow. And you, I think, could have it both ways, because I think it's either Chris or Steve, I think you already said, like, we couldn't have all these devians running around as humanoid talking creatures because you can keep track because we also have 10 Eternals. I agree with that. However, maybe you restructure it. So it's like two or three deviants. And then they're fucking, you know, the, the things doing their bidding are these, these dog and wire cheetahs and wire terectals and whatever the fuck? All sorts. of why. Why are hippos? All kinds of stuff, man. Dude, if one of those things

was shaped like a hippo, honestly, pretty cool. By the way, the villains are the good guys thing. Didn't we just do this with Captain Marvel? Yes. Yeah, we did. And Ben Mendelsohn was so much more character than this does. And Gemma Chan was in that

movie as well. Oh, was she? I think she was one of the Cree. She was, yes. Yeah, she eats shit at the end of the movie. Oh, nice too bad. Yeah, all right. P.D. that character i'll never remember so like whatever this is the end of that attack and it's like oh shit i think at this point we richard mann has a flashback and we find out that he was the bad the big baddie all along where he's just like oh you figured it out there that ajack why don't

why don't you come over to to alaska with me real quick i got something to show you no no the good cuts are in the back a jack just keep going down keep walking down that way jack dude and we are told that like for whatever reason Ajax you know has more memories they you know they say something about like oh Ajax like been around for millions of

years or something like that and it's like lady you can't see this coming you know what I mean and like unless it's a thing where it's like I knew it all along Icarus like strike me down the rest of the eternals will rise up more powerful than you can imagine

like something like that right? If she has like an OB-Wan kind of death, maybe, but it's like, you could not see this fucking freight train when you're sitting on the tracks lady, come on. Maybe it's like the Irishman or something with like, with Jimmy Hoffa being such good friends

with other friends. There's no way my best friend would murder. That's another internal. Of course. It'd be fine. Oh, shit. I'm being shot. I thought we were getting ice cream. No. But yeah, they have this like we already talked about it

but they go to Brian Tyree Henry in Chicago they're like hey you got to do this he's like cool fine then they go back to the mid-east because that's yes where the ship has been left so they go on the ship the domo is the name of the ship which I thought was kind of cool and yeah this is where

they're kind of like fighting about what to do the unimined plan is sort of you know they're like yeah all right that sounds good fastos why don't you build that so Druig can like put this fucking you know thing to sleep. And then this is where Icarus is like

walking out and he says to Kingo like goes after him and he's like I'll follow you anywhere Icarus and he's like don't say that to me you know you're not who I think I am. And then yeah this is this flashback six days ago it says and I was like I was like that's unbelievable because I feel like I've been

watching this movie for at least three weeks. Also you just had to be fucking zipsaping around centuries buddy. He really fucking six days? The fuck do I care? Give me the courtesy of a week ago. Please, man.

And, you know, this is the big thing where it's like, he starts fucking with him, right? He's like, I can't allow you to do it. You're not allowed. It's against the rules. Well, that is, that is it. It's against the rules. That's mostly his reasoning.

To be fair, though, like, in his mind, like, it's like all week you told me, we were going to go to McDonald's. Right? You're like, Steve, you want to go to McDonald's on front? I'm like, yeah, that sounds like a good time. And like, I've got my meal picked out. I know what I'm going to do. And then the last minute, you're just like, now I want to go to Nathan's instead. Well, I just

I really wanted to go to McDonald's though. Like, what the fuck? I mean, I've been thinking about this all week. And by that I mean, a millennia, I've been waiting to go to McDonald's or we're all going to go together. And now you're changing the plan? I agree. I think I think Icarus is the good guy. I mean,

evil Superman has also been done. I'm like, I'm sorry, it's just in the culture, but like, the boys has already done evil Superman much better. Yes, better than any of these dower properties could. Yeah, this is just like, like absolutely, like I understand it's a different tone and everything, but like literally there's no energy to this performance in Richard. He's literally just jawing at you. Dead fish. He's got nothing to do. He's got plenty to do. He just doesn't do it. And it's a thing where that's when the movie really starts to fray because this is the biggest turn of the movie

like this is you really have to be like oh shit and like yeah honest question by the twist honest question do you think that they were directed to take their performances down because they're robots it's a good question probably

I don't think so I think they were directed to take their performances down so they could make a quote unquote serious superhero drama right yeah I think that's what this is Superman delivering Amazon packages It would be fantastic. But, you know, and that's what sucks is like this confrontation scene could be pretty cool, right?

Because he's like, you know, you won't succeed against me and I'll kill every one of you if I have to. And I'm like pretty badass. And then this is like Sprite decides to go with him and you're like, okay, we got some defection here. But then it's just totally killed by Kingo going, we're no match guys. it's Icarus and he leaves and I'm going to wait a second that he like

you know it's like well we're supposed to be here for the birth of the new thing like who you're right like yeah that's why we exist I'm not going to vote for Trump I'm just going to not vote

exactly yeah I totally get you know Kingo you know not wanting to be a part of it and staying true to the plan and you know whatever but like to make me on board with all of the surviving eternals by the end of this movie

it needs to be a thing where it's like uh oh is this the end for one of the eternals and then blam blam there is kingo on the beach and it's fucking stunning that that doesn't happen just from like purely a story structure thing and then at the end of the movie he's in one of the little epilogue scenes where like

he's taken sprite under his wing to go to school and I guess they're going to go back to India or whatever the fuck And, like, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, we would have, we would have, we would have, we would have included him, of course, but the actor was unavailable as he was at the gym. Yes. Important. Uh, he fights. And, like, this is the thing, too, is, like, Angelina Jolie is like, I've always wanted to fight.

he's like let's get it all then and it just sort of does you know what I mean like again like this should be at the end of the movie where like holy shit it's Superman and Batman fighting each other or I don't know it's it's it's Iron Man and Captain America fighting each other and it's got no weight to it because Angelina Jolie is on Ambien and out of this movie for most of the film and Richard Madden is I apologize Richard Madden and now what scene are you talking about Steve When they fight on the ship, she fights them in the ship for like four and a half seconds. Right. Well, that's what's confusing because the first part of that, like when the whole argument is going down, she's literally in the other room.

And I'm like, why isn't she here for this part of the scene? How big is the ship that you don't hear the commotion? Ah, sir, you're taking a crap. You missed it. I'm evil now. What to go for it? I'm in the cafeteria. The cafeteria.

No, you take her right out of the, you never mind. I'll find you. And like to fight for a second. Sprite does join because she is actually in love with Icarus. And I do kind of want Icarus to be like, I just, yes, I appreciate your support. Oh, you're one of my best. It's never going to happen, though. I just, I really got to be clear about that.

It's just, it's not going to, it's never going to happen. I know we've been hanging out for 7,000 years, but listen, you still look like a baby. and it's fucking weird it's creeping me out it would be oh man it just starts doing it I would be that would make me very happy there was this like

oh Richard Madden for Bond and I'm like Richard Madden did not be in anything I want to watch dude the only way you're going to cast Richard Madden as Bond is if you promise me at the end of his one and only movie he's fucking murdered like Daniel Craig

you know I bet it's going to happen just because, you know, obviously we live in the worst timeline. Everything's been terrible. These last five years we're saying, you know, God, baby, kill us. I think I think it's going to happen just because we live in the worst world. I mean, I guess was Tom Holland, would that be worse than Richard Madden? Tom Holland would be worse. Absolutely. Yes. I actually, the only time of over liked him even as an actor was that Elton John movie for like a hot minute. Oh yeah. He's good at that. He's kind of a scumbag. Like, I think that's probably what he needs to be. Like, this role, it just doesn't work for him. And it's like, yeah, it's just

I mean, I would be, I would be curious what a Richard Madden, not Bond, but like a Richard Madden superhero performance was like if he was allowed to act like he wanted to be there. Yeah. Because this whole performance is like a hungover substitute teacher that's pissed off. He got called in for the day. Yes. And it's just I don't want to be here And to me at least It comes off on screen that way So he he destroys

Faustus is working on the fucking Unimind he destroys it It's kind of like basically the equivalent Of like when your sibling is playing With a bunch of Legos And you go in and break them And they go hey That's kind of what's going on

So then like he flies away whatever And immediately I mean thank God He came up with this idea so fast Fastest is like, oh, well, actually, you know, Cersie, if I took that weird quidditch thing out of your chest, maybe I could do something to refit that to make it be the unimined. And I'm like, whatever, whatever the fuck ever. File it under information that would be useful yesterday.

And they're just fighting on the beach here. And Athena kills Crow. It is seen that, I mean, again, like this character has had no development whatsoever. And also, like, I'm sorry, Marvel. A, he looks like shit. B, I cannot hear this thing. Maybe lower it to two to three voice modulations as opposed to seven.

He's like, pull up to the second window. I'm so exhausted by the voice modulation. Yep. Like, you know what? In that Masters of the Universe movie, I'm pretty sure Frank L. Frank Langela is not voice modified

and that's you know kind of saying something and it like you realize though the lengths to which they're doing voice modification in this movie because news flash Pat Naswalt does not sound like Pat and Oswald in this voice role it is

modulated to shit and it's very weird because it's got like the faint it's got like a faint reminiscent of Pat Naswold's voice it keeps on going in and out it's like so distracting I was like losing my mind in that little scene because it's like, is that Pat and Oswald or did they just like edit it

edit out parts of it that didn't sound funny or something. Trust actors to act, please. Yes. Not only that, it's the worst looking CGI I have ever seen for. It's a bad boy. Yeah, really bad. But also, yeah, by the way, Newsflash, Disney,

Pat and Oswald was in one of your fucking movies doing a great voice performance. But even in a mouse movie. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's in the I would love it. If Rebbe was in the MCU, that would be really a step up for the whole series, I think. They'd have fun with him, right? Like him and Groot or something? He's the personal chef to the offenders. Come on. That works. Come on. But even the, what do you call it there?

The voice modulation is so bad. Don Lee, his voice is in that scene too, and you can't tell the difference because it's just like, I don't know, or would you like if I talked like Gilgames, which I'm now talking like, wait, wait, wait. Look at me. I'm President Barack Obama now. Sounds strong. Yeah, it's all going to end up sounding like the thing monster at the end of the thing. It just, it's... It would be rad, though, if actually, yeah, you were right, like you were doing all them impressions, Steve? If it was like a deviant that was like the deviant's equivalent to like Rich Little. And he's just like doing all these impressions and shit. That would be kind

of something. Sure. He was diced into confetti so he doesn't get the chance to get, you know, he can't get his George H.W. Bush impression down. And the thing that's a bitch about it is like she fucks this dude up with these swords. It's like he's like squeezing her and he's got all his fucking tentacles out

trying to steal her powers. She like reaches or she gives herself a reach around and pulls out these two blades and fuck cuts this thing up. And you watch it kind of fall to pieces. And I was like, man, can you imagine how this scene would play? If the thing that was falling to pieces

at the hands of Angelina Jolie, was an established fucking villain character that you like recognize from somewhere or something also wouldn't be great if you could see this thing this fucking lighting my fucking I never like I didn't feel it was solo I didn't feel with anything else but this one specifically

there are so many scenes where I cannot tell what the fuck is going on because it's so dark Chris can I ask you why you mentioned solo right there is there a lot of night stuff on that I only saw it one time There is the start towards the battles a lot of where

Han is deployed and he finds chewy there. People have complained about the color issue there. But hey man, let me tell you some little tip. Close those blinds. I understand that. No, but it's

like other people that were complaining about that, I think to Eric's point is like, you know, I was trying to watch this movie on my fucking phone while I was on the bus. And I couldn't see shit. sure um so that's that and now the eternals are fighting each other we already said brian tyree henry and his power is technology which would make sense if he was like a big like kind of cable uh the common book character guy where he's got big

crazy machines that he's built in advance but he just sort of build stuff from like sand and stuff and like how does that work well i mean we can't we can't get into the magic of how stuff works i know but still. But so and he makes... Big dumb line here. Big dumb line. Sorry. Oh, here comes. Please tell me. I know. Oh, maybe not. I don't know. I'm kind of jumping around the scene, but there's a part where like Drewig is like trying to go up against Icarus.

And Icarus just uses his laser eyes to like push him six feet down in the sand. And then turns around and just goes, Drewig's gone. It's over. It's like the fuck you talking about. There's eight more people trying to kill you. Oh, no. The one I had, which is when Brian Terry Henry's Fastos straps Icarus to

the floor, he goes, I always wanted to clip your wings Icarus and I threw up my living room. I just had to throw up in my living room. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty shitty. That's the thing with the fucking

when he says it's over, I'm like, the hell it is. Like, what, how am I supposed to believe? Like, first of all, the whole thing with the deviance being able to kill them? What the fuck's that about? Like, it's just like, oh, yeah, you're, you can, I guess it's just supposed to be under the rubric they evolve,

so now they can kill you. I guess so. I guess, but like, but still, like, all the time, I'm just like, I understand who can kill who here at all. Well, they don't like age and whatnot, but like if you went up to an eternal, like, as a person and shot them in the head, like, are they bulletproof? Oh, yeah, they do heal right back up.

They're not dying from that. I'm confused. What proof do you have? But they literally say they're immortal. Like, if anything's going to kill them, they wouldn't be able to die. Like, well, Highlanders are immortals, but there's a very important weakness that they have. Well, Highlanders are well-defined, Andrew. That's the problem.

Early in the film, I forget which one, because there's fucking 15 or 10 or 70 of them. Sure. But one of them gets cut and Ajax, like, touches them and the wound heals. So maybe you need a special eternal, the medic eternal? I don't know. I need a medicate a turtle. So Gemma Chan is trying to stop the celestial and Sprite shows up and stabs are in the back. And then Barry Coogan just fucking hits her with a rock.

You know how surprising that was? I think they were expecting Sierra Mist. Oh, yeah. Oh, actually, wouldn't it be crazy if like Sprites like, you know, getting after. whatever and then it's like thunk and her eyes roll back at her head and she falls forward and oh my god standing there with thor's hammer is the little seven up spot guy because if anyone is worthy to fucking wield that hammer it's the seven up spot guy good point i stole this from the noid oh fuck i mean sprite sprites uh you know young girl

they should call her seven up that's probably your age yeah we should have done a series of seven up movies with the Eternals every seven years for two million years two million entries I guess yeah every seven hundred years you check back in yeah so yeah drewig hits her with the rock uh she falls down and then druig man again dumb as donkey dick he's just like I can't do this this is your fight now okay and I'm like why yes why help her you're a team the fuck are you talking about? Like, and it's fine that that's the point is that you want to, you want to, like, that's, I understand, like, in the

writer's room, you've got a big whiteboard where it's like the last, the big climax has to be, uh, Searcy versus Icarus, because they have this history together, but you need to make that happen convincing. You can't just be like, yeah, I hit somebody with the rock. I'm just going to take a knee here

real quick. Dude, yeah, all of these superheroes that are like passing the trash. It's like, there's another way to have your leader, your new leader rise from all of this. And it's not by default. I hit a little girl with a rock. I'm done for the day. Yeah, you know,

that, that Icarus didn't kill me or anything, but I feel like I have a nasty chest cold now from that. That definitely hurt me some way. I don't think I'm up for it. I got to tell you. Maybe some chicken soup for me today. But yeah, so, you know, this emergence starts happening. Cool, big hand coming out of a volcano.

I like, I like the visuals here. Yes, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. there is a fucking ridiculous thing though we were complaining about the collateral damage there's a thing where like where one of the because it's like a head and then a bunch of fingers from a hand

are sort of coming up out of the water and when I don't know which part is coming where I think it's one of the fingers is coming up it creates like a whirlpool and you see this island like totally go under and it's like there's a couple of tiny little houses like here and there that you see fall into this huge

whirlpool but like conveniently i guess everybody was on vacation and there's somewhere you don't see any people there's not even like a fucking clothesline with shirts on it or you know anything that would actually lead me to believe that sentient life lives on that island and i was like that's cheap i need some fucking people dude i need someone like whoa i'm in a whirlpool now yeah just if even if they're i don't know why it was don't knots i just did i'd like don't that's yeah if he shows up even you you're bring him back CGI him Tarkin him

to this and he's part of the Avengers now but yeah so this whole emergence is going on and you know

Circe starts like trying to do it you know freeze this thing or turn it to marble I guess is the idea and the unimine thing the concept

as I understand it was like if we join together in this unimined all our power will consolidate and make us more powerful and that should be enough to like

fuck this thing over, put it to sleep, kill it, whatever they're trying to do. And as that's happening you know, Circe like, Icarus comes up, but then, uh-oh, like he gets caught up in the thing too and now all of the Eternals are linked into this thing and the big motherfucker turns to stone in the middle of the water and that's it. And then dude, the second this is over with Icarus just starts crying.

What I want is when the celestial emerges from the water and it's yellow, I want at least one of these it turns like, holy fuck it was a yellow one. I really thought it was going to be green. I really, I just had it

in my head this whole time. I'm like, and then the green celestial is, it's a yellow one. Fuck, that's pretty cool. All right, who had yellow in the celestial birth pool? So the tides are probably fine, right? Yeah, they're probably fine. I told you, Drewing.

It wasn't going to be fuchsia, you fucking idiot. God. It's my favorite color. But yes, and this is great. He's so distraught because you let his love destroy a celestial, his only purpose on this earth. And like a good robot, he's like, I want to fucking fly right to the fucking fun.

Dude. And so I guess this is the point where I should mention. So I saw this in the theater And it wasn't due to interest in it It was like it came out the same weekend Or maybe like the weekend after The New Lower Manhattan Alamo Draft House came out And you know

I love checking out all sorts of theaters So I was like all right I want to see how they're operating Let me go down check it out I was sit when I tell you I think I was sitting in the same row With all of the fans of the theater eternal. All five of them. All five of them were there. Right. And man, I mean, they were

bless them. They were having a great time. It's fine. I, you know what? However you find joy as long as it's legal and not hurting anybody, I'm okay with it. So they're enjoying it. I wasn't theater comedian. I was sitting there very quietly just drinking a bunch of beer and eating my chips and everything. And they were kind of annoying, but whatever. It was their turf. I'm only visiting. So this fucking scene happens Where this Icarus Flies into the sun

And I couldn't take it anymore And I just burst out laughing And when I tell you The death stare That this guy gave me When I started Oh my God Because like

That row of friends Were heartbroken At what they were just seeing And I was just belly laughing At this dude doing it And this guy You know It didn't come

come down to this, but I feel like a second or two it crosses mind, like, I'm going to sucker punch that guy when we walk out of the theater. He was so pissed off, but like, I'm sorry, it's the dumbest thing I saw all year. Uh, Andrew, I mean, you should have really just, you should have honestly just slept him with a white glove and tell him, you know, I'll see you on the parking lot. Oh, another thing that happened? So one of the, one of the dudes in the group of friends was

Australian. And they had before the movie they had been somehow it came up and that's how I like other than hearing his voice like something something this dude was from Australia and they were talking about it for some reason I think it was in relation to like

oh COVID I wish I could go back home and like whatever it was but the part of the movie where they go to Gilgamesh and Tina's fucking hangout place and the screen just goes Australia one of the people that was with this guy was like

say Dave look And I was like, oh, my God. See, Andrew, if you had read the seven issues of the Eternals, you maybe would have felt what they were going through when Icarus burns himself to death. Maybe if you had read all those 17 issues. How many were they? 19.

But, I mean, there's been more than that. Just the original Jack Kirby run, but most of them have been canceled, most of the series. Chris, to your point, also, just this dude flying into the Sonic, crying about it. I need to see him like really get in there and

start falling pieces. You know, I want to see his robot skeleton. Yeah, give me the gears. And if that's what happens, and I mean like here's a problem because you got Gemma Chan down on the ground. Does your boots on the ground. I need her to be fucking devastated. I need her to be like,

yes, we won the day, but at what price? You know what I mean? Oh my God. My immortal love of thousands of years that we were legally married. We never got legally divorced because I would also be a sin. Oh, wow, we're amping it up to Catholic. Our Catholic wedding ceremony.

I don't know. I don't know, Steve. She's got ramen night to look forward to with her boyfriend back in London. But I mean, like, she's not, she's just like, well, that was something. And hey, hey, hey, Sprite, let me make you into a real girl because I have like, I basically, it's like a good Mario when you get the star. Like, I've got like six minutes of awesome power. Who wants what? Who wants what? I got six minutes. You want to be a real good. Burns is doped up or dying or something. And man, it's just like, I, the scene you described, I don't know if she could even deliver as an actress. And also, I'm a robot, so I don't need to do it. Yeah, I guess so. And what we're told here, again, if, it's a big if, I am understanding this correctly, was that part of there, they realized like, oh,

The failsafe that's built into this whole thing about why, you know, we can be present for the destruction of these planets, but we're not killed when the planet is exploding, is because much like how they connected together, they also, like, the eternals are built to automatically connect with the celestial that's being birth. So they're, they're, like, you know, protected. But what they tell us here is that that that also, wound up helping the Eternals to their advantage because once they also connected with the celestial, that boosted the power even more. So the funny thing is this celestial connected with them

to protect them or whatever and wound up actually committing suicide. Because it was the juice from that thing that powered it enough to kill it. It wasn't the Eternals. Like, yeah, they helped out, but like this giant TAMUD thing fucking killed itself basically. Yeah, you fucked it up. And I mean, like, you know,

not to, I actually, like I said for I will be clear. I'm glad that there's no other MCU connections in this but this fucking robot head comes out of the out of the ocean and no one's like the war machine is just sitting on his hands nobody's like totally. You want to check out

pick up the fucking phone. See what's going I know whoever is on you know after end game I know everyone's scattered but there are there are superheroes on the planet that would be like you hear about that big old head there like what's going on that big old head but should we uh go check that out you think or

Steve, let me, can I ask you something with Endgame? Do you remember it at all? I actually just rewatched it. Okay. Is the World Engine that thing that Peter Dinklage is up in? Oh, good. That's, it's, it's not the same thing. I think it's not, okay.

He's like a super troll and something, something. Gotcha. Super troll. Yeah. I don't know why a super troll is so funny. It's good. It's better than Pip the troll. I'll tell you.

It's a giant troll. It's fantastic. So whatever. That's the end of it. She becomes a real girl. Everybody breaks up. We have a fun, quote-unquote, scene at Fastos's house where Angelina Jolie, again, it's just like she's drunk this entire time. It's like, look at at this kid. She probably has to put her hand in a toaster, which means it. It shouldn't have.

I know I shouldn't. After watching this movie, I almost put my hand in a toaster. I was going to put my head in the oven too. That would take some of the pain away and like, you know, Fastos is like, you lost babysitting privilege. L-O-L. Here's a thing about that line because it really irks me.

They, and it says two weeks later, we're just, we're in South Dakota, by the way. Eating some of the worst pizza I've ever seen. Holy shit. Do you see this shit? It's disgusting. Dude, that should be against the law. Whatever that, call in that pizza. We're going to get hate for making fun of that.

pizza. Whatever. It looks terrible. That's the pizza most people eat. They just pour ranch dressing on it. You know, spaghetti sauce, whatever else they find laying around the house, macaroni and cheese. Yeah.

Some unknown, terrible chain of pizzeries called like pizza house. Yeah. Been all over the Midwest that I just don't know about, but is terrible. And they're just eating it up in this. Well, no, they're in Chicago. They should be having good pizza. They're not in Chicago. that's what I'm saying.

They're in South Dakota. Oh, they're being, I think they're hanging out at, Ajax House. They're loot in the fucking place. They realize a lot of good shit there. The thing with that fucking line,

those, about the earmuffs, it makes no sense. Like, you do, parents do earmuffs when it's like, you know, you're going to swear

in front of a kid or just like something they shouldn't hear, whatever. But it's like, yeah, Angeline and Jolie, like, he's, the kid is like,

what's your powers? And she makes this big trident out of nowhere. and like stabs through this orange that the kid's trying to get off a shelf or whatever and Fasto sees it he's like whoa whoa whoa and he comes in and he goes earmuffs and then turns

to her and goes your babysitting rights are revoked and I was like what did you need to fucking call in earmuffs for that for? No so Fina McCari who's done two things in this movie and Druig are like hey you want to have a thruple

in space like sounds great they they fuck off to find other eternals and yeah like again jemma chan is like wow that was a really impressive time for me being an eternal hey kingo what are you up to is like well i'm gonna keep being kingo i guess and bad bad kingo line here had to write it down because i almost fucking threw up myself where jemma chan is like kind of like uh sort of like second guessing herself like ah geez i don't know i feel like i kind of cocked that up a little bit and king goes, you followed your heart. We all did. And I was like, one, gross, but two, so you followed your

heart when you fucking left all of your friends to figure out this whole thing and left the movie, dude? So it's, but here's the thing. It's like he's, he's like, this would be a, a relationship ending rift. A, one, you, uh, the eternals have stopped a celestial and that's a huge problem because billions of lives are never going to get born for this. shit-heel planet that I hate or B, you left us fucking high and dry, fight us less still you piece of shit. I've never speaking to you

again. Yep, exactly. It's insane that they just act like he didn't do the shittiest thing ever at the worst possible time. I just don't understand it. And then they just get, and here's the thing again, like you want to be my latex salesman. The movie needs to end.

You can't have them get sucked into space and have a next time gadget. This sequence drove me nuts this whole like it's interesting it's interesting i because i feel like steve there's a difference between at least how i see it a sequel set up which is what i believe this is and what a lot of these movies feel like and it's not just the mcc where it's like you're spending a large portion of the movie being like get ready for the next one i feel like this movie for what it is, they're like, oh shit, this celestial is going to be birthed through the

earth and everyone's going to die. We don't want that to happen. And they do stop it. So I would just put out there, part of my argument is like, this movie does finish and then there is just this sequel setup tacked on to the end of it. I don't know. It does come closest, I think. If there is one bright side to any of this, it is that that I almost feel like this. But like they had already melded that so well in by like iron man two is the only really egregious one and all the other ones you kind of get used to it but like this one i just kind of felt like by the end of it when it actually happened i'm like these are the two energizing moments in this movie out of a movie that is not energizing at all yeah they get zapped up and he's like well you're gonna have you're gonna hear it from the celestial court or something yeah yeah yeah and it gives him a ticket It happened so quickly and I had to look on Wikipedia I wasn't sure if Sprite was with them

I didn't know who actually got sapped in his face she's not it's just Kingo and what's her face and Gemma Chan right yeah it's Kingo Circe and Fafstess I believe is the other one? Is that the guy there? Yeah I think the thing with Sprite is like well she's not

an eternal anymore so he's kind of like unconcerned with all that but Steve the thing that does drive me crazy about this sequence is it's intercut with like how it starts is Gemma Chan's back in London with Kit Harrington there and they're like kind of walking in the park

and whatever and she gets like pulled up I do really like the shot of the celestial peering through the cloud that's I think really well done but then what's so annoying is like after it's like and you will be judged your day in space court is 60 days

from the day put on the ticket good day and like Instead of them, seeing them get zapped back down to Earth, like it just cuts back to London. And there's Kit Harrington walking around like, Searcy, where'd you go? Searcy. And the last thing you see of the movie proper,

not including Stingers, is just a close-up of Kid Harrington. And I'm like, he wasn't in the movie. What are you? What are you doing? They are in space, but the good news is, yes, six out of ten celestials don't even show up for the ticket.

So then you get right off. the thing is you do want to show up the celestial's almost never show up. The celestial officer has to be there that day. Yeah, so then just to really quickly touch on the two stingers, the first one is the domo is flying out in space

and you have Drewig, Thienn, and Macari like kind of getting ready to see all kind of positions they can get up to and whatnot on their long space voyage. Oh yeah, hell yeah. And here it comes Pat and Oswald farts through some kind of fucking gateway of some kind of some kind, which it's like, by the way, if it's this easy to just like board your ship

Eternals, how about some shields? Yeah. Oh, you wanted shields on your ship. Oh, no, my friend. No, no, no, no, Celestial. We're going to have to talk about this. And here comes, yeah, Pip is the character. And he's basically like the hype man. Yeah. I guess is the idea here for Eros. So in comes Prince of Titan, brother of Thanos, Defeater of Black Roger, Star Fox of Mystery Planet, Eros. And Harry Stiles just comes in and I was like, wish I was watching this movie, whatever adventures these two.

Oh, I know where your friends are and I know how to get them back. And it's like, okay. And he's got the gold, he's got, I guess, a gold ball. Or maybe it's Gemma Chan's gold ball. I don't know. He's throwing in his hand. It's going to be either the Thor movie. be or Guardians 3. I can't tell. So did you

do you ever see a blue celestial? Wow. Fuck, that must be crazy. A blue one. Shit. I can't. I know. I've seen the yellow. We saw yellow and I was like, fucking whoa. One time, I thought I saw a magenta one. Turns out I was just really high.

I saw a teal one off of Alpha Centaurian. I got to tell you, disappointing. And then, yes. Oh, and then the last. Stinger because I mean like in this scene with I mean Kid Harrington was in one and a half scenes The last scene is him With Gemma Chan he's like oh yeah you know

I have a pretty complicated family and literally I've looked this up three times Who Dane Whitman is in the Marvel universe And I've forgotten each time and now I remember now It's the Black Knight which is a sea level Avenger at best Did you notice that they also Make a nod to his criminal uncle early on Yes, yes.

That is the first black night. Because she said, Gemma Chan says something when she's trying to tell him it's on this fucking FaceTime call or whatever where she's like, you should probably call your uncle

or whatever. So let me tell you, cut back to me at the theater. These fucking nerds are sitting here, right? Uh-huh. This kid Harrington scenes happening. This woman, the same one who exclaimed to the Australian

that the screen said Australia, same person. She just, she's on the edge of her seat this kid Harrington scene and she just starts going talk about your family mention your family mention your family

and she keeps saying it and I'm like oh my God this woman is the only person in the theater that knows what the hell's going on and I have to say at that point unlike many Marvel movies that I've attended in theaters a lot of clear out before them stinger scenes really really

I believe it because like who could possibly give a shit at this point but at the same time I don't know like a guy that dresses like a knight with a sword sure I'm in

I'll watch a 10 plus show the sword the sword that he has by the way and this is Wikipedia I do not know this and I did not ask the woman after the screening

but it's apparently and they reference it earlier in the film it's something called the Ebony Blade which is like the reverse of Excalibur because when they're

when they're on the domo and Angelina Jolie I think is messing around with the sword someone's like, oh, is that the ebony blade? And she's like, no, it's Excalibur. So I guess this is... What was like? Talk about your family.

Talk about your family. But in that scene, Andrew, Sprite was like, oh, yeah, Arthur really liked you. So like Arthur was like plow and Athena or something. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. I'd watch that. Where's that fucking fly back on? Sprite was being a little creep, like hanging out in the closet.

That's what that thing's been doing for hundreds of years. Thank God that they could finally hit puberty in four or five years. Now that's a king. that would be the line now I'm just thinking about this person watching like the godfather talk about your family talk about your family

do it oh do it she's watching fucking Christmas vacation talk about your family talk about your family oh yeah in the first episode of the Black Knight Disney Plus series

where Chris Cooper plays Nathaniel Garrett oh yeah then she'll be saying No, he's talking about his family. How he's talking about his family. Listen, when he goes to, like, touch that blade, she fucking lost her mind. And then, speaking of, speaking of blade,

you just hear a voice that, like, only confirmed by Chloe Jow herself. It's not credited anywhere. I don't know if they've confirmed it since, but you just hear, sure you're ready for that, Mr. Whitman? And Chloe Jow has said that that is Mahershala. It sounds like him.

It does. But like, and I guess that sort of fits-ish because, I don't know if Blade ever interacted with the Black Knight, but I know that Blade, come on, Andrew, it's a blade. Yeah, I'm going to guess that's true. It's a blade right there on the table. It's got to be Blade. I did read a pretty red Blade run from a while back. It was just, I got one of those like compendium things on my iPad. Blade definitely running around chasing Dracula at one point. Oh, yeah. They were, they were mortal enemies. those those those fucking blade comics i have to say it's it's so good it's so fucking good and then all of the marvel

extension shit that they did about just dracula like they had a whole line of dracula comics that's nice in the 70s and it's dude it's just dracula going around having adventures it kind of fucking rocks it really rocks a dracula movie in the emceu there is uh we should do it because it's one of the craziest animas I've ever seen.

Oh, yep. It was requested. It was a request month, actually. But it wasn't picked. It's a Dracula movie from like the early 80s that is based on that line of comics. And they basically try to like fit 70 issues of comics into like 68 minutes. And you can feel it. And it's just the craziest thing in the world.

There's angels. It's just, it gets nuts. Dude, I've seen a good chunk of that. I think I like fell asleep. But like that movie is like, if you ever. wanted to figure out the sensation of being on Coke but you didn't want to risk doing Coke. Watch

that because it's so unhinged and wild that like I was totally on board for what I saw but I think the problem was I was watching in like a bogus like YouTube rip and it just looks shitty and like I don't think it's it's hard for me to hold interest and attention when something looks that bad. Dracula

Sovereign of the Damned 1980 by the way. There it is. And yeah there's a on a date with a girl last night. I was talking about work and different stuff. And she just said, talk about your family. Talk about your family. Talk about your family.

Well, I think we've talked about this Eternals family for long enough. We're starting to edge in on the actual runtime of the film. So we'll go around recommendations and final thoughts. Eric Sisko, we'll start a new. That's not usual. I go first today. So I think it's unforgivable that this movie is just an absolute snooze. And I really think that, like, it made me re-appreciate, I guess, Zach Snyder because

bad Xerox version of his ideas throughout this film. But I do think we need, like, a come to Jesus moment with some of the Marvel fans. Like, it's okay to be critical of an IP that you like. Like, we're doing the book of Boba Fett on Patreon. I've been very forgiving of a certain few first episodes, but like the show is just not that good. And I have to grapple with that. So you can grapple with maybe not every single fucking movie is an A plus. And you can just chill out for a second. So that's a recommend you got there. Yeah, it sounds like I got to recommend on your hands. It's really, it's not for me. I actually,

I really despise this movie. And I actually think this is the worst movie we did this month. And I'll include Space Jam in that equation because Space Jam is a lot shorter. And at least there's some spectacle of some degree. And this is just a dower, drab bore. Chris Cabin. Absolutely to everything Eric said there. Yeah, I can't stomach this. To me, it is representative of what we're going to be seeing from them

is now they want to be taken seriously. It's not enough to be, you know, rich and to own like all the fucking theater space that's going to be given for the next decade. uh no no no they also have to be honored by the academy and that's very important and we all care a lot about that about those goals um i yeah even beyond that even you know just as it is like the movie doesn't work i didn't care about anybody in it the good actors kind of fade into the background uh and it's written really poorly uh so yeah big no from me Steve Saneck

A big note for me as well I kind of try to come into this as open You know I was reading that Eternal's Buckle I'm gonna really give it a shot And it lost me really quickly It's the it's the lack of color It's the lack of charisma for the actors It's the way too many characters

It's all the stuff we talked about It's the lack of Kirby stuff You know what I mean? Like I think that there's a better I actually don't think there's a better version of this movie actually I think it's a TV show I don't think this should have ever been a film And like just the

the lack of one thing is the action is a problem like the action scenes are I was thinking about Matrix Resurrections which is an amazing movie by the way yeah almost our we love movies but dune just etched it out but like the way lot of wachowski like uses the city and uses the actual the action to move the story forward is something that never happens in these marvel movies and it's really indicative in this one because the drew the deviance don't even matter so like It's like movie, movie, movie, deviant fight that does nothing, movie, movie, movie. And it's just, it's just kind of a shame and it's a slug. But I would rather watch this than Space Jam.

But this movie does make infinite look like fucking Highlander. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I mean, I don't know that I would say anything, you know, different from the criticisms that have already been, you know, Wade. I agree with all of it. I like Chloe Jow as a director quite a bit I was not on the Nomadland despise train

like a lot of people were I've seen all of her movies this is far in a way the worst thing she's done I really hope that you know she can kind of go back and tell like great human stories again because I think she's very good at that

and I like her style I don't think it's appropriate in this kind of movie I really don't it just it did not that it's inappropriate it didn't work for me. And also, to put it out there, you know, we are, of course, always very critical of, you know, the MCU and yada, yada. But like, I will say there were four MCU movies that came out this year. I saw all four of them in theaters. And to be perfectly honest with you, I liked three of them to varying degrees. I think Shang She is the best of the bunch. I had a fucking blast with that movie. Although, Steve, as you pointed out, I think, like, it does suffer from that same, like, here's just a big fart monster at the end. And, you know, Black Widow I had fun with. That was one of my first returns back to the theaters. I saw it in IMAX.

I had fun with that movie. And, you know, I'm the outlier here. I think I liked Spider-Man the most out of the four of us. I had a lot of fun with that movie, too. I, you know, the MCU's batting average for me this year is actually pretty good. And this movie is not. And also to toss in there, to be fair to everything, also really Doug Hawkeye. I did.

So, like, I liked a lot of fucking MCU property this. here folks. This one just no, and it's not even a seeing as a believing thing. Go see the writer. Chloe Jow's the writer. That's a movie. You should go fucking see instead. But that is going to do it for our Convo on Eternals. It's going to do it also for some of the worst of the previous year, month, here on We Hate Movies. Which means, starting next week,

we are back to original programming. But before we get to that, of course, be sure to check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We got a big old honking WLM episode up now all on Denny Villeneuve's Dune That's a big dense sci-fi property We had a lot of fun with

Let's see we got an animation damnation on Little Ellen If you can even believe that exists It does indeed Eric who we who we talking about it Oh sorry Chris I was just so we have a Melro 210 That's out now I believe Yeah yeah oh that's out

A very spicy one yeah big one for everybody And just what's going on with the What's going on with the Gleepe glossary Well, the Gleepe glossary this month, our Star Wars Shine Show. We are talking about Dengar, kind of a little bit of a deep dive, a riff with you guys, and then I do a special book report at the end because I finally decided to sit down and read that short story about him, which I did enjoy. So it's a big Dengar episode for you, folks.

And it's going to be very illuminating for people watching Book of Boba Fett to see how the 90s EU contradicts what is going on now. Of course, the Nexus returned this month to its regularly scheduled programming where we indeed will kick off the third

and final season of TOS, which is pretty wild. I believe the episode of Spock's Brain will be talking about, but so much stuff on that Patreon. So get on over there if you're not subscribed, patreon.com slash we hate movies. Now, here on the main feed, of course, we hate movies prime continues next week.

And Steve, now that we're back to our regularly scheduled programming. What film were we going to be talking about? Oh, we were putting on a comfortable pair of old jeans in 1996's Big Bulley. Yeah. Yeah, dude, we are talking Tom Arnold and Rick Moranis. Oh, yeah. Oh, this was a movie we were going to do like maybe two years ago or last year and like it turned out it wasn't streaming anywhere, but good news, the gods sung upon us and here we go, Big Bulley streaming once again. I'm going to put that on Kingo. I I think Kingo did that.

Kingo did that. He made it so that Big Bully was on the stream. That's why he left the big fight as he had to get Big Bulli back on streaming. Well, all hail Kingo for getting Big Bully back on streaming. And next week we'll be talking about it up and down. I haven't seen it in a long time. So I'm very excited.

But so until next week with, man, Tom Arnold making a return to the program. And Rick Moranis returning after just a few short weeks away. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Sisker. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. podcast.