We Hate Movies - S12 Ep592: The Truth About Cats and Dogs (with Jenn K.)

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

On this week's show, the gang welcomes Jenn K. back to the program to chat about one of the most 1990s-feeling rom-coms of all time, The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Why did we try so hard to make Ben Chaplin a thing? Did they have to make Uma's character that stupid? And what in the world was with that tortoise maneuver?! PLUS: Steve recalls the time he chose Chasing Amy for family movie night!  The Truth About Cats and Dogs stars Janeane Garofalo, Uma Thurman, Ben Chaplin, Jamie Foxx, James McCaffrey, and Mitch Rouse as Bee Man; directed by Michael Lehmann. Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, L.O.L. to them ever trying to make Ben Chaplin a thing. It's the truth about cats and dogs. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Sisko. Chris Gavin. And Jennifer Kay. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. We're approaching Valentine's Day. We're getting in the rom-com mood here. It's The Truth About Cats and Dogs from 1996, directed by Michael Lehman, who has done. on a lot of TV in recent years, but check this stacked filmography, y'all. Heather's Hudson Hawk Airheads. Hell yeah. And then two gigantic slips, my giant and

40 days and 40 nights. What a king. We will be talking about 40 days and 40 nights at some point. That will be happening. So he directed Heather's? Yes. So here's a little piece of trivia that I know from listening to the Heather's screenwriter's DVD commentary many times

in high school is that he originally wanted his idea for who would direct Heather's would be was Stanley Kubrick which would make this guy I guess the poor man's Stanley Kubrick Oh boy Three and a half hour Heather's all like

All lit by candlelight I feel like that's like if you're a Hollywood producer and you find a young screenwriter Especially like the 80s are like Well it's either like Kubrick I'd like to yeah uh huh okay sure Okay I'm writing it down High in the sky

Stanley Kubrick, I know he makes one movie every 12 years. But what would you settle for Just Some Guy? We have Just Some Guy. I mean, I hate to tell you this, but he is technically still working on Full Metal Jacket. I know it's 1990, but it's still, he's still doing stuff on it.

I don't know what to tell you. We should say, of course, we're welcoming in a friend of the show, Jen Kaye, back. This is Jen, Did I hear Steve Right, you have seen this movie 10,000 times? Oh, at least.

That's what Steve said. It's a sickness. I have a lifelong push and pull relationship with this movie. It's a bit of a will, they won't they hate. Were you in theaters on this one when it came out? No. This was a rental, family rental.

Very unfortunately, because there's some real awkwardness. Chelsea has the same thing. Yeah. It was bad because, like, you think, I think, you know, it's pretty tame overall, except for that one thing, which is like even, actually even worse than a sex scene, frankly, because it's like so unsettling and you do not expect that in a movie at all, especially when you're that age. Yeah, so very memorable. Yeah, that is a left field development and I was not prepared. Even though I was told in advance that it happened, it was like, oh, yeah, this is uncomfortable.

It's very long. It takes longer than you think it's going to. I have also seen this quite a lot of times, mostly because I had a very big crush on Janine Garofalo in the 90s. That bridge troll? Shut the fuck out.

I'm just, I'm playing the movie right now. I know. It's incredible. It is truly one of the, like, that thing is, like, I don't think I ever really was paying attention to what was even happening. It was just because, like, if I had actually paid attention, I'd be like, oh, what the fuck? Why?

So you were like watching them Comedy Central half hours in ways I never even imagined. Oh, yeah. Inventing all sorts of new ways to watch stand-up comedy. Oh, shit. She's taking out a notebook. Oh, she's working stuff out on stage. Hey, if you want to know who bought the one ticket to Clay Pigeons, it was me. I remember, this is my first time watching this movie ever.

But I think I remember liking Clay Pigeons. Good Pigeons is okay. I think I've seen it. I definitely watch this movie as a young and because I like both Uma Thurman and Janine Garofalo and I'm like Is there something going to happen?

What are we doing here? Really liven things up a little bit. Well, I'll tell you, I mean, there's the one scene where the three of them are getting wasted and I was like, uh-oh. I think it was on Ben Chaplin's mind in that. Oh, absolutely. So the truth about cats of dogs,

Let's talk about the title really quick. So that's like a cheeky title because cats and dogs flock, well, not each other, but you know what I'm saying? Like the truth about, like the birds and the bees, you know what I mean? Gotcha. It's like they get along like cats and dogs as in, you know. Not good? It's an explosive combination, you know. Right.

Is that also the name of her radio show? It is. Yes. She is telling you the truth about cats and dogs. as a... You call up the fish? She's hanging up? I think so.

She dresses a fish issue, I believe, in the... She takes all the animals. And she knows how to check a turtle's prostate, so there's that, too. Oh, man, fingering a turtle in this movie, didn't see that coming. It would be hilarious if she just stopped, like, when someone was like, I have his fish, she's like, fine. I mean, you heard the title of the show, right? I mean, it's fine.

It's whatever, fine, whatever. But, yeah, this is stupid. Brian, do we have any dogs on the line? All right, so fine, we don't. All right, fine. Fish it up. What did I tell everyone last week? The last five minutes of every show is devoted to non-cat or dog pet problems.

Why do we even scream the calls? It's my question. Why even fucking bother? Hey, big question also. What is the frequency of this program? That's a great question. It appears to be daily. No.

It does. It does. It appears to be a daily program Up where this happens At least a Monday through Thursday Kind of a thing It's wild It kind of ruined outlook on life

Didn't it all these 90s movies Where it's like oh I could have that cool Interesting job No you can't No you can't No this movie lied to me Frazier lied to me I'm not working on the radio

Given advice So Jen you're our guest this week And you know You've seen this movie a bunch if you had to distill the plot of this movie very quickly, how would you do it? All right. So the plot of this movie,

great question. So it is about a woman who is, I guess, some kind of, well, she's a radio veterinarian. Yep, like you do it. She's also short and brunette.

And this is a big problem. In the universe of this film. She has a neighbor, played by Uma Thurman, who is tall and blonde, which is the best thing to be, no matter what else you look like or are like. And

they do a little Sirono act on this photographer and then they all learn something, and then they end up together. In spite of the fact that she is short and brunette, he still likes her

well, short brunette and a psycho. He still likes her in the end. And then they end up together and then that's, and then the movie just ends. The psycho note, I think the psycho note's really important. And like, it is, that is what we learn, Jen. Oh, yeah. That's what we learned. She's fucking crazy.

Accepts herself as a maniac. That's really what she's doing. And you have to imagine at some point, they were like, they were in an office somewhere and they're like, look, we need a British guy for this. Hugh Grant is too angular, I guess. I don't know what, like a softer Hugh Grant is what we need. and it's Ben Chaplin, who is this little, like, kitten. Like, he's just, like, adorable.

Like, it's just, like, a little cartoon character walking through this movie. His career is kind of cursed, huh? Have you looked at it? It's not good. What are we talking, Steve? He's in that movie, Birthday Girl, that Nicole Kidman movie, which is one of the worst. I got a story about that movie. Ooh, he's in another, Jen, we watched this.

Do you remember it Lost Souls? the Winona Ryder That like weird Catholic baton. It's probably a stay tuned. It's also super boring. He's in murder by numbers a little bit which is kind of a movie. I totally forgot he's in murder by numbers.

That's a super stay tuned in a half. He's in the thin red line because he was working in 1998. That had to happen. They let everyone in there. Yeah, just not much is the idea. You know, like just never really broke out. I was just going to say he's like a British Mark Duplas

with like a fifth of the charm. Mark Dulles. I mean, I do have to, just because you brought it up, I do have to say, I was really sad to know that they cut out all Louis Anderson's scenes in the Thin Red Line. Oh, yes. He was a major. It was beautiful scenes. He was in the field telling Sean Penn what to do.

Guys, don't cross the Thin Red Line. And no jokes about how thin it is. RIP to a fucking great one man That was a total surprise Very unfortunate Anyone any other dead people you want to throw to the bus Chris Anybody else? Look I've got a Sydney joke for later

I can't wait for it Well I'll say speaking of the dead This movie was written by the late Audrey Wells This was her first produced screenplay She would go on to do Not a lot of stuff Actually probably a couple of state tunes Now that I'm looking at it

The Brendan Fraser George of the Jungle that abysmal Bruce Willis movie The Kid Under the Tuscan Sun Shall We Dance The Game Plan A Dog's Purpose and her

final live action screenplay The Hate You Give Which was also not great The Dog's Purpose was the one where Dennis Quaid Was like throwing dogs into the river Throwing that dog in the river

Or whatever was about like just How you get rid of dogs Yeah Also under the Tuscan Sun Also known as divorce can be fun Yep, absolutely. Divorce can be fun just to partner it with a little bit of mild alcoholism. but the thing that I was reading about that's interesting is her original screenplay

like the way that she wrote it and I guess this was coming from Garofalo and Jen I don't know if this was mentioned on the DVD commentary but she was saying how I guess the movie was originally written more as like a movie you would

expect to find Janine Garofalo in in the 90s which is to say very low budget very like indie feeling kind of rom-com and then when Uma was cast they were like, oh, wait, you know, Fox was like, now we have like a big star on our hands. Let's give it a bigger budget.

And now like it became this sort of like not indie feeling at all like studio rom-com. Yeah, I'm fascinated to imagine what that alternate universe version of this movie is. Because like I feel like it's not that much better for sure. Because there's a lot of crappy independent rom-coms, many of which Dean Groplo, was also in. But yeah, I just feel like what, I guess it would be like even lower key. And I guess the ending is a little more is like bittersweet.

But, no, no. Well, I mean, bittersweet would be better than like, I love you now that I'm, you manipulated me for weeks. And I don't even know, tried to make, tried to like trick me into having sex with a model.

I mentioned that her name and this is Abby. Abby normal. Well, this movie is kind of an overblown. It does turn into like an overblown 90s sitcom. You know what I mean? Like you can just almost hear the... Oh, definitely. Yeah.

Because it's on The Lying Woman. The audience just goes up in a applaud whenever Jamie Fox walks in the room. Oh, big time. Yeah, because the Cyrano inspired plot is probably the second most common, sitcom rip-off plot. The first, obviously, being It's a Wonderful Life, that's your, like, number one sitcom riff episode, and then

eventually you also do, like, the Sierra N O'Riff episode. I mean, it's just, I cannot imagine that having Ed Burns do this movie would make it any better. I just can't, like, and that's, that's what they have to be talking about, right? Like, I can't, like, romantic comedies of the time. Like, I don't, I, yeah.

Yeah, they're looking for a brother's McMullen. Oh. She's got a dog So big It'll crush this town It's Clifford Oh yes Speaking of

Speaking of music that could have been in this movie And music that is in this movie Man this movie starts With this like sloppy ass Laid Back fucking jazz Like it's a goddamn Woody Allen movie No Get that clarinet out of here

I mean at one point in this movie And I mean, at one point, they play Blues Traveler. And I'm like, you know what? That's your avenue. Like adult contemporary VH1 hits is what I want to hear in this film. But yeah, Geneo Roflo, when we see her at home the first time, is listening to solo Sting. Sting. Yeah, it is a red alarm if I've ever seen it.

I would never, if I was an actress and they tried to make me, they tried to make like my character to listen to sting, I would walk off the same. Jen, so your motivation in this scene is that you're listening to solo Sting. I'm out of there. I'll take the Aaron Neville. I'll even take the Aaron Neville. When he is trying to have a threesome to Aaron Neville. I mean, congratulations, dude. Better men than you have failed at that.

I love this first scene of her at the radio station. You see her like how the show goes. And you got David Cross as well. one of the people calling in. That's kind of cool. Also, when she's getting into the office, this helps us illustrate how ugly she is because, you know,

people don't hold the door open for her or the elevator. Yeah. And the idea is like everyone in the elevator is very tall, I guess. So she's, I mean, I guess that's the thing is that she's short. Is the big part problem? Like men don't like short women?

The small part. They just hate her, though. Like, when she goes in the elevator, they're just like, Oh, fuck her. And I'm like, probably an asshole or something. I guess.

She is an asshole because this is a very common movie problem where like a character has some kind of chip on their shoulder about something. And then they just act like a sarcastic jerk the whole movie. And you're supposed to like relate to it. But it's like, no, she's just be, she's like coughing and puffing through this entire morning experience. She's a very unpleasant person. Yeah, she does seem like it probably makes for a bad co-worker vibe in the in the radio studio

that's definitely true. Yeah, because you know she goes into her engineer and it's like, oh, and they wouldn't hold the elevator for me and this guy shut the door on my face and he's just like, oh my God, Abby, can we just like start the show? I have to hear this every day. Totally, yeah, I've been running commercials.

You're five minutes late. What's going on? Oh, hi, Abby. No, you don't have to quote three pages from The Economist today at me. Thank you. Thank you. This producer closes the door

and she goes on the air and he's just like, you know, it's really hoping we'd get like a Frazier and Ross thing going on. And I just don't see it happening. No. Frasier was on the air at this point, and very much we're borrowing from that as like a fake movie job that you want kind of a thing. Yeah, it's that thing of like you are a licensed medical professional of some kind, but you are not practicing. It's just like, you always expected Frasier to like take on some clients and like not once does that happen on that show. I mean, he paved the way for like Dr. Oz and shit like that.

Totally. Oh, yeah. Oh, Niles, I'm running for Senate in the Pennsylvania now. Oh, Niles, I'm spreading vaccine misinformation all over the country. Don't play with that. Kelsey Graber might be doing that shit. Oh, that's a good point. Oh, man.

Yeah, I haven't heard what his ass is up to these days. After money plane or whatever the fuck. Oh, right. It was indeed money plane. Still, I've never seen money played somehow. Worth to watch. Maybe we should do that on the road one. Maybe this year or something.

We'll get it on our money plane to do the money plane. No. So that's like sort of her, you know, her work life and everything. And then she's at home later. I think another thing. The thing is maybe her coworkers hate her, but also like this movie in general just hates her. Yes. She's dressed in like baggy pajamas for 90% of this movie.

Inside and out, by the way. I mean, I guess that's, you put her to burlap sacs. You're not like, oh, it's not a 1996 Janine Garofalo. Is that what we're trying to do? Yep. They're doing their damnedest. Exactly. And they also give her a horrible haircut.

Jen had a big problem with this haircut Oh huge problem It's a real A real S show This haircut Well she looks like What do you call it there Oh god

What's the name of the The little girl comic Fran No You don't I'm talking about With slug-o and the whole thing Oh Nancy Nancy? It's almost like a Nancyish

Kind of a situation Yeah and it's so flat And like it looks kind of unwashed A lot of the time too For some reason Which I guess is to show how low key she is But no And yet her face is encaked in makeup, which they try and pretend she's not wearing because movies love to do that.

Like, it's very strange. It's like the minimal amount of like makeup comparatively that like she has through most of this movie is just a setup when there's the scene where like the counterwoman at like the department store really lays it on thick so you can be like, oh now she's got makeup. So this is makeup. Yeah, exactly. So she's at home playing the violin and the violin. the dark, Jesus Christ, which is what you want to be doing.

Real serial killer behavior. Yep, absolutely. You got some heads in the freezer with this trick. And she hears some shouting or there's a knock at the door and it's drunk Roy. Actually, played by James McCaffrey,

who I don't think any of you watch it, he was a big character on Rescue Me, the Dennis Leary show. I know him from American Splendor. He's the guy that like brings his daughter over to do a comic with Paul Giamati's Harvey Pekar

and has a drug problem but it's like, you want to just keep her then? Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm overdue for that. He was cool on Rescue Me because he played Dennis Leary's brother-in-law who was like killed in 9-11 and he would like appear to him like throughout the show. As a ghost? Yeah.

Like a force ghost? As a vision. Yeah. That's interesting. They didn't do like make him translucent. No wavy lines or anything? No, they would just be standing there. But that was part of the show was haunted by.

Was there like a high budget episode showing? the, you know. The nether space? What happened to him, you know? Dennis. Was there a 9-11 episode of Rescue Me? Well, no. I mean, in the first season, there's a lot of flashbacks because he's having like PTSD. So yes, actually

to answer your question. But anyway, so he's knocking on the door. He's got the wrong apartment. And I don't know why they bother to like hold the reveal that it's Uma as the neighbor. No. Because she's like shouting like, get in here, Roy. You're in the wrong apartment. And it's like,

I know Ouma Thurman's in this movie. It's literally 75% of the reason I'm watching it. Just ask Chris Cabin. Absolutely. And like, do you think that if I was in a, this apartment complex, I'm expecting the loud couple to be yelling. I know that's happening. It's just a part of living in an apartment complex like that.

The 3 a.m. violin practice, I would be much more having a problem with that. and like the thing about the Roy situation is like you don't even like you might want to get one scene of where he's like you see like how seductive he is sure or like what she might have maybe ever seen in him other than he has like a mane and a leather jacket uh but like yeah this just like he's an asshole from the very get-go but they play umma and umma has to play this character unfortunately much this is not exactly what what she should be doing in movies as dangerously stupid.

Like, literally, like, somebody that needs, like, welfare checks. Like, hey, we're used, we're not using the stove, right? We're ordering food in. This is what it should have been. They should have assigned her as a veterinarian to check on this woman. And then she uses her for her own weird sex games. Technically, we have classified her as a pet. Yes.

We don't know what else to do with her. But, like, yeah, could you give us some advice? for what it's worth and like yes she is dangerously stupid fucking mittens pinned to her jacket all year long but like I actually thought

she is pretty funny in this movie and like her doing like screwball kind of stuff was interesting to me but the problem is the rest of the movie isn't a screwball comedy yeah she's the only character that's in a screwball comedy and you're like well wait a second you can't go from

like how she's acting to Janine Garofalo like you know while I'm on the radio again. Well, she needs to be more like Will her in broadcast news. Like, there's this like sense of professionalism. Like, she should already have the anchor job.

Like, the thing that should be about her is that she does know everything about aesthetics and she knows how to present herself and she knows all that stuff. But no, she's just like a bumbling buffoon who like dresses up like a toddler for half of them. I think part of that's also like is this a commentary on L.A. model

or something. If this is a girl who's an L.A. model, she has to be this stupid. Right. I mean, but it's like, it's like embarrassing though. Like Ben Chaplin gives her a book and she almost breaks down in tears because it's the first time she an adult woman has

received a book that doesn't have pictures in it. I mean. I didn't think it was that bad. But yeah, so she, you know, whatever, they have this argument and Abby, he's He's like, is he, is this what he's calling her fat and stuff and yelling at her?

Yeah, he calls her an ugly bitch. Uh-huh. Well, no, he calls her a dumb bitch first. That's right. And then, uh, and then on the way, on his way leaving, he calls her a ugly dumb bitch. Oh, because Abby comes out with her violin bow and like kind of threatens him with it. And he just breaks it, which is what you would do in that situation. I mean, I totally.

It's only, you got a sword on this guy. Uh, and that's kind of, they're kind of, I would call it a meat cue. I guess. Yeah, pretty much. So, you know, it is pretty much the next day. So yeah, I think this is at least a Monday through Thursday radio gig. She is back at the radio station on the air and here it comes.

There's a phone call and it is Ben Chaplin as this photographer and he just can't get this dog on roller skates to calm down. I love the detail too that like he got it from the shelter and immediately threw roller skates on it. He like adopted

it for a photo shoot And this phone call brings him around to maybe keeping it it, I feel. Otherwise, he's going to kill it in the alley. I don't know. I'm going to stop it. I mean, honestly, like, you know, adopting a dog anywhere is pretty tough now. You really, you know, you got to talk.

There's like, well, they talk to you about stuff. There are interviews. You need references. You're like, yeah, I want a dog. I want to throw it on roller skates, then throw it into traffic. Sir, sir, this is not, it's not as easy as getting a gun, okay? We're talking about adapting a dog here, sir. We don't do returns. That's a long process that you have to start probably give it some time.

Why don't you, Ben Chaplin, for one fucking photo shoot. Totally. He said he didn't even clear with the people he was shooting. He is trying to return this dog like a fucking white girl Instagram influencer after the fucking worst part of the pandemic. Like, I can go out of the house now. I don't need it anymore. I forgot that happened. Oh, yeah.

Massive problem. with those people. One thing you have to ask yourself, which is, oh, is this dog still alive? And the thing is, a helpful hint for you guys at home. If you're watching a movie from the 90s and wondering about the animals, it's like watching a movie from the 40s and wondering about the people. Everybody's dead. Every animal you see in this movie is long dead. Except possibly the tortoise. Oh, that's a good point. The tortoises do live a little longer, don't they? Unless Uma Thurman caused some anal fissure with that thing. died after the scene

He's bleeding out Come with me with some new information but I'm pretty sure the turtle is dead too I'm just gonna take a bed of flyer on this one I think the turtle's dead too

you're just watching Casab blanket everyone's having a grand all time all these people are fucking dead all these animals they're dead they need to start updating

this IMDB because Hank the dog is credited and he's got one credit and it's just this and we don't have any date of death or anything see you think you might be a 30-something year old dog possibly

it's because they took him out Eric they whacked him right we've said this before or whatever he knew too much don't get don't get Randy Quaid involved in this but you we need the IMDDB the internet dog a thousand percent or whatever I was doing my god I know this comes up later but the guy in the cafe that swats the B he's credited as B man hey B man B man oh oh here comes B man

No, yeah, I also like them tall. I am a thermon. But yeah, so he's like, oh, how do I calm this dog down? And like, they have like kind of a fun, I guess, flirty conversation, which is like if you get on all fours, you know what that means. Yep. It's also, I mean, it is weird that like this dude's instinct is like, uh-oh, this dog is freaking out.

Better call this radio show? Like, you know, the fact that this. this guy even knows that a show like this exists. It's kind of weird, you know. You know, I didn't see, he didn't pull the old 90s sitcom thing that Seinfeld is so guilty of this where it's like, let me call that radio station. And just they immediately start dialing a number without having to look it up. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and during this whole conversation, there is a lot of dead air. This is like a dull. This is not great radio here. Yeah, we need to cut to the producer freaking out. I do. Because he's not even describing what he's doing. So it's just like she's giving him instructions And then it's just silence while he does it

And so people at home are just like What is going on right now? I mean I guess it's for like ASMR people Who are really having a fun time here Because I mean Janine's got quite a breathy voice That's true and I feel like the sound of dog roller skates Must be someone's like ASMR trigger Absolutely

Yeah I like ASMR and beastiality So I listen to this show Brave New Frontiers Eric Who is not helping the situation is Ed, the photography assistant, played by Jamie Fox. Hell yeah. This could have been, like,

if you were like, Andrew, $50, do you think Jamie Fox appears in the truth about cats and dogs? That's 50 bucks. I would lose. I would bet the feel that there are no black people

in this movie, but here we are. We had Jamie Fox, of all people. It's funny that, like, like, all of them, because there were so many of those movies that were, like, adapted from French movies

into American movies, such as Jungle to Jungle, previous episode but like this also feels like those movies that has the same like temperature and overall look and like the bodiness like

the little we're having a little bit more fun in the groin section here everybody it reads as English as second language for sure very weird and like I guess it technically like because the Serrano connection it kind of is but like

yeah So he gets the advice. It all works out. The dog's cool. Great job, Janine Garofel. He saved another life. And then in a stunning turn of events, this dude shows up at the radio station to thank her.

First thing is first. He calls her. This isn't the first scene, actually. After the David Cross call, he calls. This is before we meet Uma. And then he calls the station to say, hey, can I talk to that lady, that personality? Like, oh, you're right.

We'll patch, we'll patch you right in. Absolutely not. Right to a personal desk phone. Like, that's, that's not how that works. I mean, especially for like, I mean, for any, you're going to get talk radioed, man. Like, this is going to happen. You keep putting these people through. And she's like, oh, well, let's have it.

He's like, can I buy you a drink? And she's like, oh, sure. I'm 510 and blonde because I'm a lunatic. Insane person. And she's looking at a picture of Uma Thurman, who's done a photography gig for like some speaker company. And it's Uma like sexily sitting on top of the speaker or whatever. But the other weird thing that he says, I forgot. Yeah, this is the phone call part.

Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I wanted to call you to let you know that like we, the gag of course is we slept together. The dog slept in the bed. But then he also says, did you get the picture I said? Oh, yeah. And I was like, holy fuck, buddy. you're sending photographs to this woman at the radio station? Big trouble.

Did you get the thumb I sent in the mail? The cipher? Do you get that envelope of hair I sent? Yeah, I have your grandmother's ID here. Could you talk to me, please? Hey, hey, Abby, we got a heavy breather on line three. I'm just putting him right through. He's jerking off right now.

Oh, good. I'll try to date him. But it's interesting, too, like not only just saying, like, oh, I'm, I guess maybe living out of fantasy saying you're this or that, but then like agreeing to a time and place and then going about your life, like it didn't fucking matter. Just say no. Why aren't you just saying, I don't

do this. This is not, like, you definitely need the fucking scene of seeing the whoever screens these calls who obviously also hates her being like, fuck her, let this psycho through, and then this happens. And then she just like, there's this sad, quote, unquote

seed of him and this dog on this bridge, just like looking off into the seat. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, buddy? Like you're, I'm sorry, you're Ben Chaplin. You're adorable. You're doing fine. Yeah, and he's a photographer, which is another fake job you can't get. His life is paradise.

Did you look at that fucking studio and apartment he has? It's absolutely insane. Like, Janine Garoflo's apartment almost looks correct for the job she does. Almost right. But the one that fucking, the bench, Chaplin has is like he produces movies. It's also interesting like they're established like Uma Thurman is this model or whatever and she's appearing in print photographs and stuff and he has he's a photographer maybe working with in that industry. There's no no like wait what or anything.

And he doesn't know who models are like yeah you're totally right there. Yeah and she also knows nothing about photography like at all like like he barely seems to know what a photograph is. But so he comes and again so he storms into this police. police station, this radio station with the dog the next day, like, I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. Oh, right that way, Mac, you want to yell at our on-air personality? Go right ahead. Wild. Like, I know this is pre-9-11 world, but I feel like they had some kind of security back then. Absolutely. I mean, you know, like, Nakatomi Towers had a dude sitting at the front desk. Yeah, he was easily assassinated, but he was there. Bruce Willis had to check in. That's what

he should do. He should start killing security guards with this dog to find this lady. You know what? Usually I'm supposed to take you by the arm and escort you out and maybe even throw you down the stairs a little bit. But she forgot my birthday like every year. Like everybody else is really good about it. She forgets all the time. Why don't you just go on through buddy? Oh, another mouth. Another mouth breathing lunatic here to see that small woman. Go right ahead. I'm great at my job. You know, she's too ugly to protect. If she was tall and blonde, I'd screen you.

But as it is, you know, she deserves to die. Oh, wild animal, too? Go right ahead. It's a busy day for Janine Garoflo getting visitors at the studio because before he shows up, Uma shows up, because we got our run-ins with Roy conflated here mixed up. There is the first one where we don't see Uma. then there's this second one where they're having the argument and Janine goes out and this is where the bow gets

broken. Yes. And then so this is Uma coming to the studio to be like oh yeah I bought you a new bow and some flowers and yeah I want to kind of be friends with you because there was a thing where Uma is sort of like complaining about her like station in life or something and then she basically is

like Janine Grafalo's character gets insulted because you know Uma's like then the next thing you know you have a cat and you're 40 and you know Abby, Janine Garofalo is like, you know, what's wrong with that? They kind of have like a fight. So this is her like sort of trying to make it, you know, make up, uh, do a make good here. Yeah.

So she brings us like big bouquet of flowers and the violin bow into the studio. And you know that her producer behind that glass is going to be the engineer. I knew it. Oh, definitely. You'll be 20 bucks, Brad. Told you. Told you. That's why she wasn't paying attention to you, Brad.

Told you. Yeah, and like so And like Ben Chaplin comes in Gunblazing, no, comes in and is like About to is like which one is Abby and for whatever I mean like in a maniac thing oh no I'm sorry He assumes that Uma Thurman is Abby because she's Already been described as such

And then Uma's in the booth kind of messing around with the headphones Pretending like she's on the air And I mean like Like a child would if they were in this circumstance The voices couldn't be any different, any more different. It's like James Earl Jones and Paul Giamondi. You know what I mean?

Like, Huma's got this like deep husky voice and Jean Grawfell's got this like Rye, sarcastic, like East Coast thing. Low husky voice. Yeah, well, I mean, it's different. It's a little more nasally, I guess you'd call it. Yeah, that's true. I would say gravelly. Gravely, yes. It just, it couldn't be more different. He's like, wow, you sound

totally different. She's like, oh, the radio adds 10 pounds? I don't It's like James Joel Jones playing Darth Vader, you know? Like the pop cover on the microphone makes you sound so much different. It is hilarious, though, because she says something about, like, you know, the radio makes all the difference or something like that. And he's like, oh, yes, I've heard about that. Yes, definitely.

Blimey. Oh. I have zero personality. Oh, meanwhile, I was, I meant to stab you right now. that's why I'm here could you tell me which which one of you is Abby well no reason other than

I need to know who it is I'm here to kill you know it's best not to keep your eyes on your purse at all the time you should just let whatever happens happens you know now I kind of want this to have been the movie like a play Misty for me where like a psycho tagger at the radio station

pardon me ladies one of you had your last breakfast which one was it but so to like make this lie work Abby is pretending to be Donna the assistant I can't and so like

Noel is Uma's character's name Noel and Abby go out to lunch and this is you know we hear all this stuff from Uma about like oh I don't eat I just like to order and look at it because I'm a model does everybody get it Beep, beep, beep.

We're having fun. And this is where this, I mean, it is so, like, not for this movie, but it is hilarious, this guy freaking out about the B. It's nice little bit. I mean, like, the thing that's weird about her is that you would imagine if you have enough money to pay for this place, the place you have. Yeah. And also just buy food that you're wasting. Like, are you, like, you would have to be, like, on magazine covers. You're not just like a stereo equipment ad that's pinned up for some reason.

Like, it makes no sense to me. That's a risque ad for Eagle speakers, by the way. It is really something. Doesn't it want to make you upgrade your sound system? It does, I guess. I thought Eagle was a family company. No, not anymore. They're also responsible for the Deaf Leopard covers.

Now that Chuck Senior died, Chuck Jr. took over the company. Chuck Eagle Yeah, it's Chuck Eagle Chuck Chuck Eagle Jr. Wow, what a great name. That's like the most American name of all time. He's definitely there on 1-6, dude.

Don't worry about it. Oh, yo, yeah, Chuck Eagle. He had some things to say on the internet. He was bragging on Facebook about some things on 1-7. But this point, the point of this scene is with the B-guy is like everywhere. There's also another thing when they're walking in some guy, like, does a bicycle trick and like almost gets hit by a car kind of a thing also very funny that was in the that was in the trailer right because everyone's trying to impress umma but i just noticed in my notes one line

umma has at this this lunch where she's not eating anything she's concerned that you are what you eat and that she's nothing yikes yeah that's a real you got problems lady yeah we just breeze right past that to a joke that really could not be made like they get out of this restaurant at fucking umma thurman is like what what's wrong and judea gropolo says nothing that an AK 47

and a clock tower wouldn't cure and I'm like you couldn't make within a 10 year radius you can't make that fucking but it's a funny jam it really is it like it hurt me up I was like wow okay it's some spice not only is it fucking hilarious it's a weird thing where you're like

oh that could have been something in your standout Yes, exactly. Which means it shouldn't be in this movie, though, is the thing. I'm sure she's doing some ad-libbing and something to make this movie even remotely humorous. I don't think she's great, but she is so much, like, in comparison to so many states, like, Chris Rock is like one of the worst, like, he does, he's always doing stand-up. Every movie he's ever done, he's always doing stand-up.

No matter what, even if the material is not stand-up, even if it's a traumatic reading. Yeah, but I think she's a legitimately good actress. I think she's pretty good in this That's why Chris Rock's best movie is top five Because he plays a stand-up in that movie And it's fine that all of his dialogue Sounds like he's doing a bit She

But the whole point of this part is like Oh, all these men are going Going crazy over her and like ignoring Abby But I mean I feel like if you were to ask A Room of 10 straight men Who they preferred Janine Groffler or Omer Thurman It would be like a six to six to four split

Not like nine to one. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. It's just, it's a preference thing. Like, do you like tall women or do you like short women? Do you like these? You know what I mean? Like, it's not, like they're both very, very good looking is the short, short, long and short of it.

Yeah, and they're also very distinctive looking because it's not like Uma Thurman is like a classic blonde bombshell type. Like she is also an acquired taste in her own way. Yeah. It's not like a Denise Richards or something like that. You know what I mean? Like where it's just like this bodacious babe. I mean, Umitherm is gorgeous,

but like it's a very specific look. Yeah, you're right. But high, like very tall models were very big and like I guess there always are, but like in the 90s, it seemed like a very specific thing. The Kate Moss thing. Yeah.

Yeah, they're big. They're tall, dude. Yeah. I guess it just comes down at the end of the day. Do you like women with huge hands or do you like one with very small hands? Yeah. At the end of the, you're totally right, Jen.

At the end of the day, how many tough jars are you trying to know this? these hands man are enormous they're really big it's wild stuff dude they're pickle releasing hands oh she's she's got a pair of real can i get that for you let me crack that lobster for you the uh the bar that they go to you know they're so meeting brian at this bar and he is like

immediately telling Janine Garfalo all about how he thinks he's meant to be with Uma Thurmond and I'm like fucking crazy Like if he just wanted to fuck her or whatever Wanted to fool around like that would be fine Because I guess at this point Like I think they've come to the agreement

Like we're gonna go to the bar Janine Garofalo is going to tell him immediately And then she And then she spills fucking sauce all over his shirt Which I do agree It's not a great look You can't be giving it You can't be spilling the beans about something

like this when you got a salsa shirt on your hands but this is like you're right when we were saying that this is like very 90s sitcomy because this is the moment like you watch all those friends episodes or Seinfelds where it's like this whole thing is diffused if you just say this thing right now and it's not that

I guess because of the salsa but this is also this was where Steve you mentioned blues traveler starts playing and they do indeed start playing here the way that the movie they're trying to to make it sound like it's bar music like dietic and not just like playing

on the soundtrack. But the way that it's mixed definitely makes it sound like Blues Traver was playing a gig in the other room. And I was like, oh cool. Like this movie's coming out in 1996. We're definitely about to have a John Popper cameo

right here. Oh, bummer. No such luck. Just bad mixing. They might be playing. They'd have to be at a stadium for them to actually. I guess that's true. They were huge at the time. Huge. you know, for the fictional movie and then he could give like Gene Graflow

a little like life lesson about believing in yourself. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that might be better than her lying about having a goat farm that she's at. Oh, Don, I hope you're not giving me a run around. You have to be like, oh, you're putting me on, aren't you?

You're putting me on. On a cracker with some cheese. Like, I don't know why you wouldn't just say she works with me at the radio station. Yeah, I I'm a publicist. I'm a producer. I'm literally anything. I've seen anything. It's one of those things where it's like,

first of all, you know, Ben Chaplin's, whatever, he says like, oh, you're here to screen me for Abby. Oh, how wonderful. And then she sees a plate of cheese go out from the kitchen. That's where she goes, oh, I make cheese. Man, it's like lazy usual suspects. But they go back to his place and like, yeah, I'll give you all. it's a banger interior but the outside of this thing

I was like does he live in a bomb shelter like you see them approach this building and I was like there's a dead body murdered by John Doe from 7 in that room

like the outside of this place looks so weird first of all two spacey refs in a row and I appreciate it second least usual suspects is that how

Kaiser Sose started saying he's verbal kint like he was in an awkward social situation like his foot fell asleep and then they're like oh there's that guy with the leg problem and the myth just built itself from there

exactly but this is where yeah they're looking at his photos and this is like you know Janine Garofalo and Uma are both looking at them and it is like Uma is playing an alien

who's never seen a photograph before because he's like he does it twice to her in this movie where he's like what do you think of this one and she's like what do I So my soul's in the photo now. And you know Gene Draclo is some kind of art genius? Because she's like, I really like

those textures. Yep. Yep. Oh, yeah. That's art history 101 or better, possibly. And this is all a fucking sick set up by this son of a bitch, Brian, because then all of a sudden there's a knock at the door and in comes Jamie Fox with this little girl. And he's like, oh, good, you're here. And Ben Chaplin's like, oh yes i called him straight away his niece has a turtle problem and i was like man that's fucked up she's not she's not working right now she has to so the thing is you have to inject

this turtle and it's like he jimmy fox says they got everything from the veterinary like why can't that guy that person inject it well jenn and i were talking about this last night about the the implausibility of her own show because every call would be like you got to go to the vet like that would be like that would be it's okay Like, my dog is throwing. Okay, so you want to go to the vet. Yeah, oh, my dog will, uh, is, uh, is having this. Yeah, you'll probably want to just go to the bat.

My cat got hit by a car. Uh, vet. Yep, that again. Uh, maybe go to the pet store. You are just waiting for the psychos, like, to come on to your radio station and be like, oh, I, you know, he just, he doesn't talk to me like he used to, you know? Yeah. And like, it just that drags out for 30 minutes. Yeah, I mean, like, what, at the time Howard Stern was huge. You kind of want to have.

like a huge amount of freaks calling up she needs her own whack pack on this show get a calico cat on a Sibian no calico pussy

please good gravy what was I gonna say about that though I'll come back to me go ahead Steve sorry so the girl it's like oh my turtle

or whatever I'd be like first of all cats and dogs not turtles and parrots you got the wrong lady Sorry. Oh, what I was going to say was, to your point, yes, definitely. She would not be able to, like, administer anything other than go to the vet. But it would make more sense if the show was like, if she was like a dog whisper kind of thing.

And it was like behavioral. Like, those are things you can give advice on training, behavioral things, whatever. But yeah, like, my dog's kind of wheezing and she hasn't been eating for a couple days. And I'm sorry. It's like there will be nothing she can say to you besides going. to the doctor. Yeah, my dog ain't a child, go to the vet. My dog, he's wheezy, go to the vet. Go to the fucking vet. I mean, the attitude of the film is a little bit like a concerned parent who has like a 26-year-old, a single child who is really into their dog and like not dating.

Like that's the whole like, like all the people who are essentially treated like crazy people on the air are just people who are like really into their pet. And the whole point is like, these two people have to stop caring about their pets and start boning. Because otherwise, we'll all die. Like the Pope said. Yes. That's true. That's true. So, Jen, when you watch us as a youth, how did the turtles scene play out with your parents or not so much?

I mean, I think that wouldn't have occurred to me as being, like, sexual or weird at all. Yeah. I mean, obviously, like, butts are funny. But butts are always funny. But butts are just funny. Like, I don't think it would have creeped. me out the way it would have if I was a little older. Your parents would have given a no one look

about that turtle getting fingered. The connotation. So the phone sex scene was the problem. That was the issue. It was courageous of them to put this in. It was a new thing just invented, I thought. What's weird to you can, it's very interesting. It's not the clothes or the soundtrack so much or the fact that you're seeing

Janine Garoflo in a movie that really tells you it's the 1990s. Oh, here it comes. What really does it is Jamie Fox saying in all seriousness, all seriousness, that Uma Thurman is indeed all that in a bag of chips.

I couldn't believe it. Wow. Unreal. Like he made it up, too. I mean, it is so totally crazy that he just says it, like, so seriously like oh god damn look at it like i was like so that that happened i mean i guess there was a point in our in our collective pop culture where you said that and you meant business i i watched

a move i it was like a trashy piece of shit but like this is like 2001 2002 and i heard a bodonka donk in the wild wow it was absolutely incredible i i forgot completely that that happened and I was horrified all over again. And absent of any like attempt at comedy. Like it was just like, oh, and of course, section seven, the badonka don't. No, no. It was like some guy's friend and like look at that badonka don't. To somebody who they don't even cut to.

Like entourage style, we're walking away from something and we're really cool. And then one of his side guys says, look at that badonka don't. So you saw this in a movie, not real life. No, in a movie. I feel like if you hear that in real life, Chris, you've got to call me immediately. It fucking happened. I heard it IRL. We might have a crank yanker loose. Those people are immediately executed.

We all know that. But so to save the turtle's life, she has to finger it. And Janine Garofalo has to let her know how to do it in the other rooms. Like, oh, we'll go wash our hands kind of thing. But it's also like now that there's like a living being being tended to. too. Maybe this is where you break your reality. Just come clean and be like, hey listen, we were doing

some weird scam on you, but you know what? This turtle is in trouble. I should come clean. I'll tell you right now, if it was a dog or a cat, absolutely they would fold so fast. But the fact that it's just this gnarly little turtle, it's just like

fuck it. You know what? If you puncture this thing's wrecked them, it's just the turtle. I'll give you the two dollars to go by another one. I guess, you know, a turtle with a punctured rectum could go on to have a long and healthy life. I mean, look at Mitch McConnell. That's true.

That's very true. I remember when Uber Thurban needed to think of my assholes. I was too shy and I never came out of my shell. Never thought about cling wrap the same again. Yeah, we are wrapping it up, aren't we? You have to, really. Yeah, no, that's true. That's true.

But so then, but it's a pretty quick cut after that scene. Like, yeah, the head come out of the shell. We don't see needle penetration, which is a problem for me. But just this turtle being like, hello! I thought it was kind of funny. How did you know I liked that? Oh, it's his thing. So she, they make a date to go to this department store and Ouma's like, I'm going to help get you gussied up there.

And this department store clerk Just spending time in her day Telling Janine Groflo how disgusting she is What the fuck man I just don't get it Yeah let's just oh you're disgusting And like I think Janine's got Snappy one liners as well

Yikes She has she has the snappy one liners When she takes stuff back to this lady Oh right Towards the end of the movie But this is where it's like OMA's like oh you know We'll get all these products for you

Get you done up right and whatever And they cut and it's just Janine Garfow looking like a fucking clown. It's outrageous. Well, I imagine this is where young Steve's antennas went right up when Uma Thurman says I'd fuck you. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm like, all right.

Dude, that's like Chekhov's gun. Don't set that off in the first act and let's going to pay it off in the third. Now you've got to start really paying attention to the movie. I love there's the bookstore scene. It's kind of like, there's just a lot of like, oh, isn't she beautiful? and it's a bookstore scene where

Umma Thurman what you call it? She takes her to a bookstore Groffalo takes her to a bookstore and what are these and the guy behind the counter they're talking and the guy behind the counter is just like well you're so beautiful anything you do is perfect or something

terrifying it's something something about her body and then he goes and what a body it is yes that's right and the guy doing it is her brother. Umma Thurman's real life brother delivering this line and like, I don't know, why don't you switch him and be guy?

Exactly. He could be a guy there. We're trying to hit everything for everyone, you know? Oh yeah, that's true. You know, the incest creeps in here. Hey, hey, Tony. So what we want you to do here is hit on your sister. Just this scene you're going to hit on your sister is what's going to happen. And like, I

took that, I didn't even check. I would But I took down the note, a bookkeeper who looks like Uma Thurman. It's like, what the fuck? It's going on in this scene. It's like if Uma Thurman and John Lennon were like Photoshop together, it would look like this dude. When you look at it, like when they get the close-up, when he says this bone-chilling line, they have the same exact eyes. It's the same eyes.

And you're just like, ew. Explicitly, we want you to talk about your sister's body. is the reference you how much you like it is what we would like you to do Hey Hey Michael Yeah can we just I was thinking in between some of these takes here

You know what would be funny If bookstore guy You know maybe I just like took it for a walk a little bit You know just just tell her How beautiful her body is What I'd like to do with it I mean what the character would like to do with it I like how you're thinking buddy

I really do I think this is a good way I think we can open this scene up a bit I still can't believe that that's the brother, geez. Deccan, Thurman, by the way, D-E-C-H-E-N. I think about that. I think I've played an arcade fighting game called that. Deccan-Thirman 3. Absolutely.

But so here it is that we're at the moment, folks. The big fucking phone call scene. Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. And it's like you, go ahead, Steve. Oh, no, because Ben Chauplot has a scene with Jamie Fox where he does. does indeed profess to be a little weirded out that like she seems so different in person than she does on the radio on the radio she's so smart and whatever and on in person she seems

dumber than a bag of rocks kind of she doesn't know what books are did everybody catch the horrendous ADR in that's quick scene by the way no it's like they're outside getting into ben chaplin's fucking Jurassic Park Jeep that this guy has for whatever reason. And Jamie Fox is like standing on the other side of the car. They're outside and it's all really bad ADR. But like it gets really horrendous when Jamie Fox, he just has this line that like they must have recorded later

while he was in a Burger King drive-thru. Because it's just like, you're letting your brain do too much of your thinking. It doesn't sound like him. Jamie Fox in that take is not moving his mouth almost. It's so bad. Do they cover something more like a salacious? Like, think with your dick, brother.

Oh, yeah, probably something like that. Get the TV cut in for Comedy Central. Yeah. So, yeah, he calls her, because he has her number. And I guess he's like, oh, wow, you sound like you do on the radio. And also like that woman I keep meeting. Strange. Hey, you sound like your friend who hilariously spilled salsa all over herself while

blues traveler was playing. Again, are you giving me the run around? I really need to know I've been listening to that song nonstop since that day in the bar Are you giving me the run around So in your household, Jed, this scene's starting up You're all, you're just totally cool with it

You're just like relaxing You're watching a nice family film Exactly, we're just sitting down They're having a nice chat Like you know, they're intellectually connecting Adorable, you know, joking around Taking a bath together It gets a little saucy

But you know, nothing crazy She's playing the violin Like I've seen that before sounds good This sounds good we're going good. That's what is funny about this, right? Because you're right, like the bath happens and you're like, uh-oh. But then literally the next thing is the two of them are making a tuna

fish sandwich together. And you're like, all right, maybe it's diffused violin concert. Okay. Sure. I'd be hanging up. I'd be like, uh, yeah. This crazy, would you like me to play the violin for you? Oh,

sure. And if if you're not hanging up at the violin in concert, you were hanging up when this dude is like, I don't know, can I just read to you for a little while? Read to you, Roland Barth. Like, what the fuck, man?

Like, one thing, if you're like, it's a romantic novel or something, or like, even like poetry, I could understand. A book about fucking photographs by Roland Barth. Are you fucking insane? Well, you think about when Harry met Sally, when they're just watching TV together, and it's so lived in and so nice, they're on the phone.

you know, they're watching the same thing. That's something human beings could do. Yeah, but he's reading this book about photography because he wants to see what's going to develop. Oh, I see. Yeah. I just always love what movies and television think that, like, is going to make the audience think that these people are smart.

Like, I'm fascinated by this. Obviously, that's, like, all Frasier. And then, like, these are things that I watched as a child, which gave me this weird idea about, like, what smart people do. that smart people would sit on the phone and read each other, like dry kind of academic texts, I guess.

Yeah. Question mark. Philosophy about photography? Yeah, sure. Get the fuck out of here, man. I mean, I just don't, I never, you know, thought that reading, you know, an academic photography book

after this like, dry as nails violin concert could make people so horny that they could not revert the course and it just ultimately devolves into phone sex. Yeah, because see, the violin turned her on and the photography stuff turned him on. I see. And now they're both ready to go.

And I mean, like, I guess that's the thing is like, again, this is a guy that you don't know. You barely met. And like, he's just calling you at all hours reading to you and begging for phone sex. It's a hard thing to convert, dude. I'm sorry. Because you don't see them discussing it. It's just sort of like, he's already like, I've taken me pants off or whatever.

And like, also like he's, here's a thing. And I mean, like, let's get gross here. Right into his blanket, like right into it. Like, dude. What are we doing? The law are you hiding from? He shot right into the blanket. It seems that's what he's doing.

Yep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a smear job, for sure. You're, again, like, that's like, a hundred. dollar fucking laundry bill dude that's they say

when you send it says it off to you like is there a comforter in here and also did you come on comforter oh come on

well you know I did too you're right look at this way I mean you have the expendable income for the dry cleaning on this

fucking confeder if only because you weren't wasting all that money on a pesky date that's true do you have like a handy like undershirt

even just anything other things then where you're sleeping in five minutes. But you don't see him being like, let's do something naughty. You know what I mean? Like the planning doesn't happen. No,

it just kind of like, it's just, it's so I guess I think that's better if it seems to unfold naturally, but that's like, I'm just curious if that's ever happened in the history of human communication. Well,

I mean, if it happens. I guess it's the first time ever. But even then, I still think someone was like, I've got an idea. you have to lay out the ground rule exactly but the line that he has is like

because she says something like oh what was that noise and he was like oh I just took my shirt off oh don't don't mind that that's just my crunchy crusty bed I wish you were here in it oh it's flaking off again

it's like dandruffed in the wind she she's God that's gross she says it was so gross it blew all the thoughts clear out of my brain. It's what, so he says I just took my shirt off. She says something like, oh, and then he goes, so is this really happening? Are we doing this?

Like, she has to be like, are you jerking off right now? I mean, first of all, he's been jerking off the entire time. Yes, yeah. Yeah, sure. But she joins in, right? She joins it. And that's what's shocking. it just keeps going.

Yeah, it does. They're on the phone until 4 in the morning when he decides, I'm going to come over and we're going to have breakfast, whether you want it or not. Yeah, which is true, but I'm just talking about the sex, the phone sex part of it is so long.

Yeah, because I mean, like that's, there's a point when everyone in the audience got it and you could just pan up and it's fine. But it doesn't, you see like this blanket move. Oh, yeah. do. There's a lot of like breathing. Yes. A lot of breathing. I guess you really get the point. I don't know. What else do you think was happening? Like we get it. There's a lot of her like rolling around

giggling. Like yeah. First of all, the giggling is a different animal altogether. Are you into the giggling or not into the giggling? Listen, if I'm having phone sex and on the other end I hear giggling, I'm like, are you even into this? Because yes, I'm over here jerking. I mean, I'll tell you what, young Chris Cabin was really into this. You don't say. This was just a little tracking scene

here. Oh, beautiful. Just wonderful stuff. I was like, is there a director's cut? Is there a 30 minute version of this? Now, Jen, I'm curious, though, on this family watch of this movie, was there any fast forwarding involved? No, my parents didn't do the fast forward. They just did the Stony's silence.

It was like a punishment worse than the fast forward. Like, and this is obviously, pure projection on my part, but I always felt it was very accusatory. So this is all my fault. I chose this movie. I made this happen. It's incredible that you're saying that because that is the vibe

that I would get from my father, where if we were watching something similar, there was a vocal response in my house, which was, what is this shit? And it felt like it was always pointed directly at me, like, you fucking pervert. What movie did you pick? I didn't know I raised a little pervert. He's doing this. He's doing this while we were watching Top Gun. It was very much like, I'm not going to be doing the favor of fast forwarding.

You're going to sit there and watch this. That's 100% how I felt there's not actually what's happening. I think what was also happening is that my parents were dying inside. Yeah. And everyone was just too paralyzed to touch the remote. I mean, that all sounds terrible. But my parents were very fancy and free. So they're like, oh, yeah, come on in.

We're watching Hellraiser 3. That naked lady's being flayed alive. I would, can we do the fast forward? can we do something else? Yeah, I also am in this. You have the cruising story. I have the happiness story era where we were just like, yeah, whatever, just do it. Tiger Beat.

I think if I watched happiness with my parents, my father would have banned television in the household for life. I mean, just him, the idea of him, like, freaking out just like a sex seat. Like, I imagine him watching Top Gun and be like, Andrew, that is not what you do with ice. All right? Ice is for beverages. Do you hear this? I feel like somebody's dad must have been like,

Turn a shit off at the volleyball scene. Like, no, wait a minute. God damn it's that kind of movie. I also, I will ever tell these stories. I don't know if I've ever told this before when my mom turned off chasing Amy. Oh, shit. No, I think I remember you telling me this.

Maybe it was not on the show, though. Yes. We're all watching. You know, I liked Kevin Smith, obviously, and like kind of suffered, made my family suffer through it. But everybody, you know, liked at least those first couple of movies. And they were all like, you know,

race-ish, but not too bad. but we're watching it's family movie night for some reason. I chose chasing Amy because I wanted to see it. And it's the part... Well, and you're the little pervert. And I'm also a little pervert. And it's the part when Joy Lauren Adams, they're in the playground and they're taught...

I mean, like, you know, a lot of stuff's happened already. And my mother's been a fair sport about it, I suppose. But it's the part when, you know, I think, I believe the line is... Because they're talking about how could lesbian satisfy each other? And it's like, well, how big could a tongue get? she shows her his tongue. My mom's already uncomfortable. And then she pretty much mimics

fisting really quickly. And that was it. That was the end of the ball game. So turned off. Turned off. Oh, this is that's too much. Oh, that's okay. That's it. That's it. And it was and that was it. And I finished it the next day. Oh, I was going to say she didn't throw the

tape down the incinerator. Oh, it was Blockbuster, dude. Oh, yeah. You don't have bankrupt to the family, dude. No more of this filth. Flour and filth, Stephen. I won't have it. But yeah, so Eric, as you pointed out, immediately after the sex scene,

like this dude's still come drunk and he's like, I'm going to come over. Oh, and look at that. It's almost morning. I've been tallywacking my tallywacker since late into the night, into the morning, and now we must have breakfast. I'll be over in a minute. Sleep it off. Let that thing heal before you go to her house. All right. Let me just get out of bed and take my blanket

it off. Let me apply some band-aids to this danged-up wanker. It sounds like you ever. Well, I don't know. What do British people say? Oh, my goodness, my danged-up wanker. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

the peroxite stings. Oh, the peroxite stings. Oh, no. Oh, it's just disgusting. I'm so glad I was on the sip. Oh, God. Happy Valentine's Day, but that's absolutely. This is so deranged. Tim just going over there with a box of cereal and a carton of milk.

And I don't even know what's more deranged. That or than her trying to do a Mrs. Downfire. I know. I screamed in the house. I was like, she's pulling out of Doubtfire. Wait, is this after? So this is 96. I'm pulling up Mrs.

Dowfire right now. Delfire's 93. You're totally right. Yeah. So she's definitely just doing a Mrs. Doubtfire. Fascinating. Help is on the way, I guess.

At least with Robin Williams. Williams, man. It was like a delicious meringue pie of some kind. This is just, we're slopping mayonnaise. Oh, God. Gross. I guess, no, it's the West Coast. What's it called over there? It's not Helmonds. Oh, God, you're right. I forget. Helmins is called something else

on the West Coast. Really? Yes, it is. Best taste? Something like that. Me and my brother got into this because I didn't know this. Fascinating. It's a piece of trivia. Hellman. I'm looking it up right now. Helms on the West Coast. Yes. Helmens on the West Coast is known as best foods. Of course.

Was there some big like West Coast guy named Helmin that was like a big famous anti-Semite or something? I'm going to show. I'm going to put this in the chat because you all need to look at it. The logo is the same but it just says best foods on the inside.

It's fucking fucked up. I bet because like there's some product testing like oh you know, dipping your French fries and Helmonds that doesn't sound as good as best foods because they do ranch or whatever else out there. We love our ranches. Oh my God.

It's the same exact. It's freaky, isn't it? And both of them, best foods and Helmans, apparently claim to bring out the best. Well, I guess that makes sense. It makes sense both of it. Because I bring out the best because you're bringing out the best foods. Right.

And then on the East Coast, it's Barronstein Bears. On the West Coast, it's Barron Stain. Oh, that's what happened there. That's what caused that rift. I get it. Yeah, so on the East Coast, Sinbad was in that movie. And on the West Coast, it was Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah.

Dude to him. I think the dress was gold on that. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Nelson Mandela's got killed in prison. Yes, indeed. But also even creepier. So he just shows up, when did she give him her address?

Two, she's like, you know, she does this whole thing where like she's got this horrible mayonnaise. First of all, someone's got a food finish at this web, on this movie. And we'll talk about that in one of them. Oh, yeah. Upcoming scenes. This mayonnaise is definitely part of it. She got the tomatoes all over.

She's like, oh, I've got this face mask on. You can't. come in, he's like, well, I'm not leaving until you give me an article of your clothing, something you've been wearing all day. See, this is, if you weren't totally into this psychotic behavior, you would have to shut it down right here. Yes, but where you're asking for fucking elements of clothing.

And it's so odd because, like, I mean, obviously this guy has his own mental issues, as evident from this film. But, like, so she doesn't want to meet up with him earlier in the night. And so, like, obviously, this part of this whole phone call from his perspective is like winning her over by talking to her like so on and so forth and now she's like more into him and might want to meet up with him eventually but like not now

like she already didn't want to hang out with you at the beginning of the night you're supposed to be like easing her into this why would you want to heck out with someone you just had phone sex with it's very straight you don't want to see that's the whole point of phone sex it happened and you're like be cool about it dude like just be like all right cool maybe I'll call you tomorrow bye

was anyone else expecting something to happen with this shoe she tosses him a shoe and I thought like oh that's not like Uma Thurman's shoe size is going to be different we're going to do like a cinderwellow I mean yeah that's a good call though dude I didn't think of that but this movie's certainly not above it

they use it for a really stupid like when the fucking dog brings it over to remind him at near the end they do bring it back but like this is like dude it's first of all she just came she probably wants to go to sleep I would assume, but also it's 3.30 in the morning.

I don't want to do any eat at 3.30 in the morning. Are you nuts? She's got to give dog metal could have advice by like 3 p.m. What is this? It's obviously the thing of like, can I come in and maybe sleep over? It's like, we're going to graduate to the real thing. Like, not tonight. First of all, I've been lying to you this whole time.

I'm Janine Garofalo, by the way. but second of all not tonight like we had our moment it's it's been cool be cool about it oh oh honey I must look like a Yeti

in this thing now go away if there was any possibility of this dude getting around two by coming over with breakfast

sure the you know maybe something more than a box of cereal and fucking milk that really screams like I pick this up at the gas station

on the way over here because it was the only thing open because it's 3 o'clock in the morning it's banana nut crunch by the way and he does bring bananas ladies and gentlemen this guy's a loser man and a loose cannon I don't know

so the next thing is she goes up Janine Groflow goes up to Uma Thurman oh Uma Thurman reads a Cosmo article because that's one of the things she does because she's a big old moron and it's like is your boyfriend a loser or I would say is your boyfriend verbally abusive is the checklist I would use for this dude

but it's like is your boyfriend a loser she's in tears because she realizes her boyfriend is a loser this is when you want to get maybe the social services like when she starts crying because she thinks her boyfriend's a loser I've just disconnected I was like

I can't do this anymore this is ridiculous why why is she a baby and you know like there's just this other scene, it's like right before she takes the quiz, where so like, I don't know if we mentioned this, but she is planning to audition to be a news

anchor. And so she's rehearsing like this fake newscast thing in the mirror, and he's doing like, I told you I'm trying to sleep. Throwing shit at her and you're just like, all right man, like it is a true bummer that you needed a Cosmo quiz to fucking shine

to light on this here. Her news audition is great though. Her like being happy and giddy about like, yes, 71, 71 people drowned? Oh, great. But she says to, yeah, she calls up Garofalo or whatever, and like,

Janine Garoflo gives us a precise time on this, and she's like, oh, we had a great time last night. He called me. We talked for seven hours. Yikes. And she doesn't, I mean, I guess she doesn't talk about the phone sex here, but wouldn't you be like, and it's weird, like, he just started

touching it. I was like, I guess this is happening. I didn't want to hang up and it felt weird to not. So I kind of did too, but I didn't get anywhere because it was really uncomfortable the whole time. But he certainly did. Make no mistake about it. Noelle, he definitely started jerking off

before I was even into it. Before we even talked about it, it was already happening. And I was like, oh, I guess okay. So Uma goes over to Brian's apartment here because they're like, all right, we're going to stop this charade once and for all. I'm going to go to his apartment and hang out and

you have to go do your radio show. Uh, so we'll, you know, this'll blow the whole thing up. He's going to realize you're on the air and I'm, you know, sitting there talking to him. So she goes over to the apartment and he's like, oh, yes, oh, would you like something to eat? Let me see what's in the fridge. This refrigerator is disgusting. It's, you know, they're trying to do like single guy, whatever, but like this dude is getting food poisoning from anything that's being eaten in here. I think I blinked and missed it. What's in there?

It's just like gross, like uncovered food. Is it best, uh, best foods, ma'am? He's got a butterfinger bar in there. He's got a back through a bunch of crunch. He's a refrigerator. A bunch of just loose candy. Don't you knock over a movie theater last night? The cereal will go bad if you leave it out.

Don't you understand? Oh, God. Are you British people here? Here's the thing. I don't know what you freaks do over the pond. Are you British people refrigerating candy bars? Is that what you fucking freaks are doing? That's fucked up. It's fucked up. If true.

They need their Cadbury flakes in the refrigerator. Ooh, let's snap into some coldies. Can be a coldie from the fridge. May I interest you in a cold peep? Oh, man. Refrigerated peeps. I don't know about that. It's chilled to perfection.

It's the bunny ones. Don't worry. Every boxing day, my father gets a what you recall it, out the freezer and we break our teeth on it. We're celebrating our one year wedding anniversary.

We're taking all the three musketeers out the freezer that we had from the wedding reception. They're still good. Would you like some frozen sour patch kids to Shuck-on. You know those big furry hats that those guards have

at Buckingham Palace? That's what I imagine what a British condom is like. Pardon me? Yeah, he's nice furry condom, you know? What gave you that, though? We're talking about candy. Oh, I'm thinking about my own thing over here.

He's got his own show happening. So this is, Steve, you alluded to it a second ago when this is like someone here, either the original screenwriter or someone who did a punch-up is really into food play. It's because first she's like, oh, I've got tuna fish, which you love. And she's like, oh, I gave it up this morning because she doesn't eat. And it's like, okay. He's like, well, I've got this plate of sweets.

And it's a big thing of cake and there's some cheese on it. And he said it was left over from a photo shoot. Oh, it's under photography lights. Then he puts it uncovered in the fridge for undisclosed number of days. Months. Well, he was, to be fair, he wasn't expecting to keep the cake. He was bringing it only in for the photo shoot and then he was going to try to return it. Hey up and take this photo.

I got this cake back to the baker. Now, what's the cake always green? No, yes, yes, it was green, of course. Sure. Okay, I have to, I have to talk to you. The cake is on rollerblades. I don't know how to, I don't know how to deal with this. But so she's like, oh, no, I mustn't.

I mustn't eat food and, you know, model jokes. bottle of jokes. No, you have to try it. And he's like, it's this big creamy cake that he starts, like one bite would be one thing, but he feeds her the whole thing. Did he do anything to it prior, right? This is like whenever I think of a potlock at an office, people are fucking, they're fucking pissing in whatever else and stuff.

It's happening. This obsession of yours. Yeah. Are they bringing a booyer base there? You wouldn't believe the horror shows that used to unveilers. veil at my old office. I need to bring a fifth person here. Jen, you've worked in a lot of offices. Were you ever uncomfortable at potlucks

because you were afraid of what people were doing in there? Um, no. Okay, good question. Okay, you're naive. Hey, let me tell you something. I wasn't, but I am now because he's been fucking ragging on this shit for like four plus years at this point. I'm just saying, I can't be the only person that thinks this

and that means someone else is doing bad things. Eric, Eric, why won't you eat the mac and cheese? coming there. You know there's coming there. There fucking probably is. Why is someone coming in that machine? To get back at you. For office politics, Chris.

You wouldn't understand it. I don't know. I mean, now I'm getting convinced. He poisons your mind. Luckily, I work from home now. Yeah, yeah. Thankfully, COVID took out the potluck. Yeah, we'll be another potluck for quite some time. but this is also where he gives her the book

and she like mildly freaks out like no one's ever gave me words before this is an intense gift like if someone you haven't even really had a real date you have not had real sex before and he gives you Subod de Beauvoir's letters to Jean-Paul

sucked I do not think so no that's Francis McDormann and Joel Cohen that's like that's the only couple that gets to do that literally ever and no matter who's given what copy to who, either of them is excited as

fuck to receive. And you know why? Because they've been married for 30 years. Yeah. It's just... Not like, it's not like, it's not a woman you're vaguely stalking. Yeah, definitely, like, the definition of coming on too strong. I think I remember my first moment when I thought of this is when I had some cake that was so salty.

It was ridiculous. What's it matter? You don't like my grandmother's famous salt cake? the thing, dude. And they were like, what, what's a matter? You don't like it? And they're smiling at you with a little creep smile. That's, yeah, see, folks, it's a really important lesson here. It's very crucial. You are not the most hated person at your own. I was absolutely the most hated. No, you don't understand it. It's a savory birthday cake. Yeah, it was fucking weird. Anyway,

but so she's supposed to, her part of the bargain, because Janine Garoflo is a huge fucking coward is to turn the radio on when Janine Grofalo goes on but she's like oh no she's so overwhelmed by this sexual food situation and the book she's like I can't oh I'm late for my shift

and he's like I can get you there very quickly in my Jurassic Park car dude this Jurassic Park car is insane and like also I was supremely bummed that for a 96 minute movie, I paused at this point. It was like, surely this

is over. Forty-five minutes. Yeah. Stunning stuff. But yeah, so they go from like briefly making out to racing to the radio station. And it's like, man this is dumb. Like the show goes on

the air and he sees her right there, like still in the lobby and doesn't, he's like now, wait a minute, and starts like chasing her he goes in an elevator and then she's like running up these stairs and like they somehow get there at the same time kind of unbelievable which again he's coming on way too strong because the thing is i'll drop you off cool you've done that i'll talk to you later dude no he follows her up but he's like he goes into the production booth uh into the booth is like can i watch your show and she's like no yep i need to concentrate she says and like yeah exactly i'm working here no you can't just gawk at me Do you have a job? Yes. Don't you have to take pictures of some kid roller skating with his mom or something?

All roller skate photography. Nothing but. There was a briefly cathartic moment here where like he's running to the booth and she opens the stairwell door and slams it right in his dumb face. I was like, all right, brief respite, excellent. But yeah, I need to concentrate, whatever. So now they're like this, who does he like better, rude? routine because she's like, I don't know, now I kind of like him because he gave me a book and no one's ever believed I could read before, I guess.

Yeah, it's a real like no one's treated me like an adult before. Yeah. And it's like, well, I have an idea. Why don't we go to his apartment and get hammered and like, I guess, what is the plan here, Jen, to see who he likes more? I mean, no, because what she says is, well, get hammered and see what happens. Okay. That's the recipe for a night.

this whole thing is like the button to a joke because she's like Uma's like giving some ideas about what they could do at this point and it's like well we could do this no well all right how about this no all right well what's the third idea

we just go to his house get shit face and see what happens oh the question Uma wants to ask him who if you had if you're stront about on a desert island would he rather stay with Times playmate you know the playmate of the area Thank you, Jen.

Thanks. I was trying to fix that. Hitler again. Yeah, look at me showing you my gaps. Oh, boy, lift up that leader hose. No, times person of the, times woman of the year or the playmate bunny of the year. So great. That's the question.

Right, yeah. Right. And they're like, oh, that's stupid. No, let's just go there and get hammered. So they do. Yeah. And then this is where you're like, all right. you know, now something's really going to go on in this movie.

We're doing piles of tequila shots here. We're doing tequila. There's also, someone brings a bottle of DeSorono because it's the mid-night news. They're smoking inside. And was there, was there an ape mask or something that play here? Someone's got a monkey mask on. Oh, it's a cloud mask. Yeah.

That's right. Oh, did you hear this new bed? They just started their cold slip-knott. They're meant to be amazing. Got to listen to the notes they're not playing. It's going to say the notes they're not grunting. But I mean like, yes, I mean, clearly if you're Brian, you're just like, oh, well, I guess this is happening.

They're all here together. This is what we're trying to do. Like, you know, they came here, both of the, it's, first of all, it's a weird thing. Uma walks in, she's got a bottle of booze. And he's like, all right. And it's a really embarrassing, like, he goes to close the door. And then Jimmy Grovel's got to fucking put her foot in the door and be like, actually, hello.

And like she's also got booze and it's like shots, shot, shots. He's got to be like, all right. They're both here. It's late at night. Yeah. They're just pounding booze in front of me. Like, as am I, like, let's get it going. And they're just sitting around.

Like, they're not watching television. They're listening to music and drinking and smoking in his. house, which is really like, I would just, I feel like he must be like, okay, should I put on a movie or should play a board game or is like, no, no, we're just going to sit and drink. Okay. I would be sure she wasn't into it because she brought Donna. Like, I feel like, her keep on showing up, I'd be like, oh, she's not into me. Yeah, exactly. She doesn't feel safe around me at the very at least. Yeah, yeah, at the very least. She should not. No, she should not. But like, at this point I'm just like

I would I would be at least asking like what is your relationship with Donna do you just like do you like help on the cheese farm or what's going on here are you like best friends

from back when I would love that if they're totally smashed and he's like so what's your cheese production like the fuck are you talking oh right yeah the cheese

big time you know it would be awesome though if he's like well my father used to run a cheese factory and back in the UK and I actually know a lot about cheese productions and I'm going to ask you

like if she was like caught in the lie my father was a bit of a monger cheese and hate all right ladies sit down there anybody want a cold one oh yeah I mean all right here's a Nestle's crunch for you

and 100 grand for you here you are Abby I didn't forget it's a bowl of ice cold Reese's pieces They're frozen together, you see. So you just lick the outside. They'd fall in the back of the fridge, you know, so I gathered them up and put them in a little bowl for you.

Might be a few skittles in there. Be cautious. Oh, yes, this is a chilled Heath Bar, you see. Very rare. You got to be careful with some of them candies, man. You can't get them too cold. Then you can't bite through them like a fucking cold Heath Bar. Be careful.

Crack a tooth. Chip your teeth. They wind up she just gets in his photography chair and he starts doing the old oh you're surprised I thought you were a bridge troll but you're actually quite beautiful

and she's like she like gets sexy on him sort of the hair sexy expressions is not an insult to Miss Jeanette Grafalo for whom I have the utmost respect but her sexy looks are not really she looks more like she's about to throw up for all the tequila

yeah she does like nauseous not sexy Well, it actually kind of works because like the movie does nothing to like help this along but like Garofalo IRL is probably really uncomfortable having to do this shit

so they sort of had to they should have worked it so like you know he's saying like oh don't be so nervous or something like because she looks absolutely miserable confused like actually confused about what she's doing there really is to look

and then Uma gets in on it and she's like all right now it's my turn take my picture and Garofalo bales and you know she kind of taps out at this point like look you can have him yes you know if you're if you're Brian you have to be like oh is she getting cold feet

come to bed Donna Donna it's going to be all right I've done this three other times there is kind of a funny like she's leaving and like putting her coat out and he's like oh you're leaving

secret rendezvous and like Janine Garofalo's like the tone and the response is great. She's just like, you know it. But I was about to get out my big furry hat condom. And you know, Garofalo's like, all right,

you know, just go forward to him with her. Like, I'm done. You can stay here. And I did appreciate this shot. It's kind of cool. Like you see Garofalo is like looking at the apartment building and you can see like their silhouettes and it's like they stop on the and it's kind of a good moment of like

oh actually is she going to turn them down and then uh oh no you know they both walk up the stairs and uh this is when like the movie gets montage heavy where umma thurman goes away for some modeling job and she keeps leaving June Grofalo messages because she feels so bad right and it's just

you know okay it's that part of the movie you know because the problem is this movie winds up having like two like second act climax which is what makes it feel so off because this whole like her

getting sort of like frustrated right here and that whole thing and like calling it like that seems like it's a place where the movie could end and you know that's why I was sort of like you know 45 minutes left of the movie but then like obviously the other actual confrontation has to be like he finds out and gets mad

and it's like there's not enough movie here so now we're just doing these montages to kind of stretch it out a little bit. Yes. And the, and the, in the, him feeling bad stuff really feels like it afterthought, I'm like, get over it. Like, come on. Let's move it along here. We all know, but like, it is really just all these schemes. It's like, rather than just tell the truth, like, hey, how about this scheme? That didn't work? Shit. Okay. How about a new scheme? This time, we're going to have him write down what he likes about me and like, see if it's more you.

Like, what the fuck? Just say something. One of you, I beg of me. you. I was screaming at this point. And Uma's saying on these messages, like, look, by the way, I feel like you got a lead with this, Uma. It's kind of like the ninth message we see her do where she's like, oh, I know I've been leaving you messages for days, but right here I figured

it probably important to tell you, I didn't sleep with him. She wanted to tell her in person, you see. That's the thing. Oh, stupid. And she comes back, and it's like, hey, look, I'm going to solve this stuff. And she kind of does this thing. She tells Brian to go to Junine Ruffalo's place at five and she'll tell him everything and I the idea is Gin Grawfell will be there and he'll have she'll have to basically you know

admit it right but then we're doing more Mrs. Doubtfire bullshit here this is well this is after they've had that beach walk the long beach walk and this is this is where I had it I had it they run into each other at that department store makeup counter right that's right she's she's returning the makeup and there is kind of a funny bit where he's like Donna and like her backs to him and she's not responding which is kind of great. But yeah, they have this long walk on the beach

and I'm like, motherfucker you've been talking to this woman all afternoon. How have you not reached the conclusion that this was the woman from the phone sex? I masturbated with this person. And there is some bullshit line that Janine Garofalo has to like

sort of I guess justify her insecurity which you don't necessarily need. to do but you sort of need to set up earlier like if they set up like her ex-boyfriend said you know what you're you're ugly and i'm leaving you then that would be an insecurity but it's something something oh i went to college and i gained 40 pounds so now i'm very insecure even though i did you notice the uh the bit of uh inflation there with that steve no she says and this you know this is 96 so figure you know whatever she's in college in like 89 90, maybe.

She's like, oh, I gained, have you ever heard of the freshman 10? In my head, I was like, well, we called it the freshman 15. Yeah, I was very curious about that too. I was wondering if it was, if it was that there was some kind of like inflation going on. By the time we all were in college or the 15, or if it was that like whoever was like, you know, at the end, making the final changes on the screenplay, it was like, we cannot be implying that women should go around gaining 15 pounds. I think we had to add five extra Because we went to college in the early aughts Where like Mountain Dew was in like bread and shit

Oh no I got I got an inflation problem All these teenagers are getting fat Oh God I heard it's up to Next semester it's gonna be the freshman 25 There's all that fructopia Oh definitely So much frutopia maybe Well maybe how about this

Maybe it's like an East Coast West Coast Hellman's thing Out there it's only Tampa. Damn, America's sinking into the ground because we're too fat. I had myself a sandwich yesterday on a big loaf of Mountain Frost Mountain Dew. I was making a

two to fish sandwich, put mayonnaise all over my face. Supposed to be good for you. Oh, my God. I'm in the kitchen. Next thing I know, I forgot how to make a sandwich, tried to eat my own chin. If he has like a moment, a senior moment or something, someone like a staffer should come out with like mayonnaise

on their face and just be like, yeah, I'm Trubon Jen Socky comes out Oh my God ladies of gentlemen Miss Talfire's here She's going to do the news

for us Miss Daufires I guarantee they did that with Reagan But the TV looked so bad In the 80s And people were like

Yeah I guess that's Reagan Yeah It's tough now With the HDs It was just the puppet From that Peter Gabriel video That was one of the state of the unions

Yes thing here where like she's cold he puts his coat on her. Also dude I got to tell you what you're fucking claiming you are not interested in this woman dude you're blowing on her hands to warm her up let me tell you something pal. Yeah. Inappropriate

unless you're into this chick. If I could be really pretentious for one minute here. One minute. Oh just one. You've been going on for 11 years now. Well super this is more than usual. Oh real serious stuff. Okay. I hate that I

I thought about this, but like the French thing really hit me this moment because this shot of her looking at the sunset with Ben Chaplin is literally the end of the Green Ray. It's like literally the same shot. Yes, you're totally right. And I actually thought about this. I was like, this is kind of way too artistic for this movie. Like, let's move on. Like, the cinematography doesn't need to be this good right here. It's a soulful moment. I'm like, What are you doing in this pervert pet and fucking phone sex movie? But the whole thing gets totally blown up because she's like, oh, I got to go, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, oh, one more thing, Donna.

And she turns out like, yes. And in her head, she has to be like, fucking finally here it comes. And he goes, tell Abby I miss her face. Yeah. Face especially screenplay when this is the thing you've been saying without saying the whole time about Janine Garofalo. Fuck this. And so yes, Abby, Noel comes back and she's like, yeah, you know, just do it at three's company. Meet me in my apartment. And oh, before you do, write down a list of all

the things you love about me. And if you're, if you're Noel and you're trying to get these two together, I'd be like, write down all the things you love about me. Leave off any physical stuff. Just what do you think about me, my personality. Do that. Do that. Yeah, not like what you like. about me, but like why you like being with me or like things you like doing with me or something like that. And he gets

there and Janine Groffalo's there and she's like oh, Noel's in the bath and I'm just out here and we're not in a relationship. And this is like some deranged shit though because he's like, well, can I just talk to her for a minute? And she's like, oh, I have to see

if she's ready and like runs in and she's doing like both voices. It's a real fucking Norman Bates shit. And he's falling for it also with like Garofalo like talking like herself and then her being like, and now this is

my woman boy. I know and I do have to say gentlemen, if you're in this man's situation and you go over this woman's house her friend is in her apartment wearing her, wearing pajamas and the other one is in the bathtub. What do you think is going on?

What is your, like, what, you're just like, okay, cool, like normal, regular? Business meeting. They'll talk about, you know, entrepreneurial effort. Yeah, that's what ladies do during business meetings. They got like pillow fights and whatnot. Absolutely. So, yeah, they just, they have this whole thing where she's, he reads the lists or, you know, whatever. And then, you know, she basically has to start saying that she.

she thinks she's ugly. And like the screenplay doesn't make her use the you word. Yes. The dialogue is just like getting narrower and narrower to the point where like if she says one more thing, it's going to be, because I'm fucking ugly. It's like wordal with actually, you know what I mean? Like it's all the yellow things say spell ugly, but the movie, they haven't put it together yet.

And then he finally just does it. It doesn't matter what she looks. like or whatever. And then like in the dumbest and I have to say like this really sort of gets both Uma and Garofalo off the hook here, their characters in a way, because it makes neither of them have to tell him the truth. He finds a flyer for her radio show on like a little side table and puts it together and I'm like, boy, that's cheap. One of them has to say something. I'm surprised she would even have her like headshot on there if she thought. she was so disgusting or whatever.

Well, that's true, because also in the radio, when he goes to the radio station, very importantly, it's like, oh, all the radio personalities. And it's like, and the truth about cats and dogs. And it's just a cat and a dog. So, yes, it is odd that she would have her own photo there. Yeah, because this movie has to walk a fine line that it does not,

which is that, like, the movie can't talk directly about, like, can't call Gene and Graffle ugly, or even have her disgust that she thinks she's ugly because we, the audience, have eyes in our head and we feel like she's not ugly. So instead they just like make, and they also don't, they obviously don't want to address like, they don't want to get into fat or not fat or any of that stuff.

Nope. Which is like, good. But at the same time, it's like, so then it's just like not like, what is her problem then? Like she's just. Excuse me, Jen. She's vaguely unpleasant. And that is really a hill to climb right there.

Yeah, it's just like you need to put The movie needs to put a finer point About what she thinks about herself What he thinks about her And what the rest of the world thinks When they see her Because they don't And so it's just like

I don't even know what we're talking about Well even so much so at the end Like so he finds out Oh man you're Is this some sort of joke You're a comedy routine This that the other thing And he like starts really laying into them

And he goes like Yeah You're so you're the You're the stupid and beautiful one and you're the smart and you know what, forget it. I'm like, don't finish the fucking set. You need to talk about this.

You made this movie up movie. Exactly. Also here, while he's like piecing this together in this scene and like it's awful throughout but there's kind of like some blissful silence here while he's putting it together.

The score to this movie is it's reprehensible. It's so bad too. Like there's like this. like little mandolin like when they're walking along the beach yeah that's all also terrible Howard Shore is taking it for a walk

yeah I think it was a let's have the assistant write this one and we'll put Howard Shore's name on it he could take a long walk off a short shore yes there we go sort of something that's sort of something I thought about not saying it

but here would be then what we do get in this next scene is something that you can oh and i've been here myself you know the person's going through a rough time man cup of coffee in the morning at a bar yep not good this is when the first scene is like when umma thurman disappears from the movie where it's like it's them on the beach and like well that was wild and wacky and she's like oh by the way i didn't get my uh i didn't i didn't get my whatever my newscaster gig. Obviously, I'm so stupid. But you're a great friend. She's like,

Gene Gruffle is like, here, I have this other job with the radio station for you, which is not what you wanted. And she also says it's not news, but it's pretty good. But she doesn't say what it is. What is it? What is this job? Is it secretary? Is it a prop in the floor? Well,

actually, we need somebody to hang up new portraits. You see a funny person. I had taken a picture of myself to be hung on the wall. some joker, a bunch of fucking dogs and cats. So you know what? We do a new picture hanger is what we need.

Okay, Noel, so could you help us, please? I mean, it would have been a nice thing if you see at the end of this movie. Like, maybe Uma is like the call screener now, but like she, you know, she's also working like the Ros Doyle angle. So she's like getting some lines in on the air. They have some witty banter or something. It's just so weird because she's just so weird because she's. he's just like wow thanks and is gone because i guess what the the real the indie version of this

movie which would be more satisfying if it's like wow this guy is gone but aren't we great friends you know what i mean that's sort of something maybe yeah yeah because also like there's no resolution to any of their characters at all like it's not like umma thurman's like oh like learns to be more confident in herself yeah or anything at all right she doesn't nothing happens to her really like she's actually i guess worse off the end of the kind of. I would actually, yeah, like, and the indie version of this movie would also have an interesting scene where she tells him, and there's an interesting back and forth about revelation, rather than her talking to him while he silently sips coffee at this bar for three

minutes. Dude, and when she is trying to apologize and like he's not having it, this, that, and the other thing, and then, you know, she's like, whatever her line is, she's like, for what it's worth like I really did like you or whatever I thought we'd be good together and he's like now we'll never know will we yes and like she stares at this guy and I guess they thought that this was like

a joke like awkwardly staring at him for like 20 seconds while he ignores her before she turns and leaves the bar and I'm like this is just uncomfortable and it's making her even weirder I mean like that's the thing is like she the character

is definitely flawed and whatever but she wasn't weird in this way and now of a sudden she's weird and it's like, eh, just leave. It's not funny. It doesn't work. No, it's not good. Because also, like, I don't,

because since we, this movie is almost criminally underwritten, we don't really quite know what her motivation is here. Like, does she really think that he's going to like forgive her and they're going to get back together or are she just trying to like, like, apologize. Yeah, that's the point, right. I mean, obviously I know where the movie's going.

unfortunately but but so like she gets like yeah it's a weird like you never see obviously he is going to change his mind and they will get together but like you never see him have that epiphany like she just goes back to work and then it's like

oh you got a package here and she opens it and it's a fucking pair roller skates I mean literally this is I think you do see the epiphany because Chris mentioned this earlier because he's in his apartment sad and alone and then the dog brings him her shoe

and he's like oh the shoe and I guess but they don't show him smelling it but I guess that's implied I mean honestly I was gonna say

that dog should not be eating that shoe I'll be honest there's flakes on the shoe as well Flakes look if you're going

to if you're going to sniff and lick the shoe just keep it to the outside of the shoe my precious flakes oh my God but like literally

somebody like it's uh you know the um the end of wayne's world this is cute rom-com ending like literally it's got nothing to do with the rest of the movie it's just like well what if we did the scooby-do ending like you know what if we did the cute rom-com ending where someone goes to somebody's work and does something cute and everyone in their office goes wow but yeah so like and this it's just none of i mean like this movie is whatever but like this literally does not make sense. Like, the dog is there with this package,

and then, like, the dog is pulling her on the roller skates to a predetermined destination. And I'm like, dude, you've had this dog for maybe two months. Like, however long this story is supposed to go. Like, there's no way you trained it to do this. Like, this would be some really impressive, like, kennel club dog show shit right here. And I'm not buying it with this dog.

Although I will say the dog, I think, fabulous canine. Oh, incredible. absolutely incredible. Oh, wow. Oh, Jerome, you know, there's a dog here in the middle of the lobby. She let it up to that piece of shit up there, probably for that piece of shit up there. Let's get this dog on the elevator, huh? Hey, dog, you know what Florida is, right? Okay, I'll see you up there. Love that dog.

I'd like to lodge a complaint. You're passing bad medical advice to these pet owners. And I'm telling the authorities about that turtle finger thing. 30 stitches later and I'm still not okay. All right. We'll put up a little content advisory thing before those episodes. But so he's like he's at the beach or whatever and they it's really quick. There's a couple of lines back and forth.

And then like we get to some real wide ass open mouth kissing. Kind of unbelievable. Got to be clear here, she has got a haircut from two movies later. I don't even know. Because it's much longer here. It's a much better haircut.

Oh yeah, she was well into shoots on the matchmaker at this point. Maybe she was filming Copeland possibly. Oh, maybe. They had to fucking pull her out of a Just for Laughs performance. Get it back in for some reshoots.

But, oh, the kissing is, it's a lot and it's a lot. Yeah, I don't remember writing this, but my last note on this movie is just smooch. I wrote down, smoochers. My next and final note was, I thought this was actually kind of funny. She was like, oh, that night on the phone, I'm pregnant.

See, that is a very funny joke, and it's destroyed by Ben Chaplin's shitty response. Because she flips that so fast. I feel like that's another great Garofalo joke or something. And then he just goes, the last line of this movie is he just goes, don't as it as it like you know as it like don't joke about it don't say that or whatever and he's just like don't that's what i have a cop mine he says are you sure it's not are you sure it's mine

oh well you're that that's you're right that is the last line of the movie but it's it's one of those like the camera is already panning towards the ocean yeah it's an a d r line that you don't see his mouth actually say but you're totally right he does follow it up with a, are you sure it's mine? Which is funny, which is why they had to do an ADR, because they were like, dude, we have to have you go out with something entertaining. And that monosyllabic response

you gave was not in. There's one thing you should know about me. My bed is pregnant and I impregnated your shoe. Oh, man. Yeah, nine months later, Vincent Lindon is like giving birth to a fucking phone baby. Oh, and one time I impregnated

a cake at a potluck. One of those guys, huh, Eric? He seems the type, to be honest. Just to be clear, if we're doing notes, my notes said hard makeout. That's what I said. I said, we're playing password here. This kiss is, and then all parentheses,

open mouth. Mine says fucking in public. Yep, there's also that. I'm glad to find out that we were all of the exact same wavelength at the end of this movie. Love it. Basically, like a kid, like a little kid watching a movie, like, ew.

Yes. I mean, I'm sorry, it's gross to watch people make out. It's not cool. I've turned off whole movies, but specifically, this is a lifetime movie issue, often, when there's terrible folly kissing sound. Oh, it's too bad, I will turn off a whole movie. Yeah, like eating a sandwich as a fucking sounds kissing. Yeah, no, it's good.

We're in love now. Pass the best foods bayonets. I love you. Don't. That is the end of this motion picture. We will go around with recommendations and final thoughts. And our guest this week, Jen, we'll start with you. So do I recommend this movie?

Would you recommend it or any other final thoughts you have about the film, the truth about cats and dogs? It's really hard to recommend this movie. I've seen it a million times. and yeah if you haven't seen it don't that would be my if you have already seen it yeah keep watching it like you might as well like you already got it in your brain keep going sure why not keep the streak alive you know all probably this would not be the last time i'd see this movie buy a long shot it's just but if you're not infected already you know just like stay safe

wear your mask uh uh steve saynack you know i'll i'll give it a light recommend And I will say this is, and this is, I want to give credit to the woman I stole that from last week when I said that, um, uh, big bully is a regular movie. I took that from my, my lovely wife. Jen is very clear about like, let's just watch a regular movie tonight. And I, and I know exactly what she means by that. That's like something like Big Bulley or this movie. This movie is exactly a regular movie.

I mean, aside from the phone sex. Uh, so it's like a light recommend, like kind of a hangover movie situation. I do like to watch, you know, Ginny Grofell is very funny and very beautiful. And so it's Huma Thurman's very beautiful, very fun. So these are good things to watch. Ben Chappell's a dry toast. So there's that.

Eric Siskin. I can't just I can't really fully get there. It's a light not recommend. I think there's definitely worse you could watch. But it didn't quite didn't quite get there for me. So now. Chris Cabin. I mean, I guess I have to because of my history.

I just watch this movie so fucking much. but like in your flaky bed in my flaky bed with pictures of Janine and Graffalo all over my wall no I mean it's it's it's funny you call it normal movie this is like a deeply irregular

like wildly strange and like what I think you've been by that is a very 90s movie yes it feels like a drenched in 90s stuff and like yeah the trying to the beginning of the terrible let's bring four movies over here

and futs with them a little bit make. It just has that whole scent about it. If I had not, like Jen, if I had not already seen it, I would probably tell you no. But I just have this history of the movie and I can't, a lot of me is

imprinted from this. So I have to give it on a light recommend. I'm going to do it. Not good. I feel you, Chris. We're in the same horrible boat. It's terrible. I guess I'm kind of like a light recommend. This was the first time I saw it. It was one of those

movies where like I knew that VHS cover like front to back and it was just kind of like all right it seems wacky enough but I just never you know got around to it and I thought it was like fine I really thought like

Uma to me was like the best part of it because I thought she is legitimately funny but it's just from a totally different movie that's not this and you know and I like Garofalo too I think she's fucking hilarious she's been you know

obviously in much better stuff than this. Wet Hot American Summer, for one. And, you know, if you have it, like, I think her stand-up is very funny. I got to see her do stand-up one time in Brooklyn. It was a lot of fun. She's a very funny person. This was just a weird experiment

that did not work out so well. But that is going to do it for The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Jen, so much, thanks so much for coming in and hanging out with us on this one. Anytime. I'm really happy to celebrate Valentine's Day and love you, Air, here on me. Just to be clear, love you area is a hallmark network situation, yeah.

Is that right? So happy love you, Ari. Do not say that. I just want to celebrate. I hate you, Ari, over here. This certainly will not be the last time we go to the filmography of Michael Lehman. That's for darn sure. I mean, who knows?

We could, by looking at this when I got here, there is an entire possibility we're doing one of these on listener requests. I don't know. But that is the truth about cats and dogs, directed by Michael Lehman from 96, like I've said, twice already. in the last few seconds. If you want more we hate movies, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies.

You've got a lot of cool stuff on the Patreon for the month of February including, of course, the final few episodes of the first season of the podcast of Boba Fett. We'll see if that

totally underbaked Star Wars TV show is worth a good goddamn in these last weeks here. We'll see about that. We got a we love movie. Speaking of Ouma, of course, we are doing two.

We love movies episodes this month, Kill Bill Volume 1 and Kill Bill Volume 2, both coming out this month. Very excited about that. Two feature-length episodes on that $5 level, folks. And if you want to double your pleasure, you go up to the $10 level where you get that horrible Boba Fet show, but it is very funny and entertaining. But if you want to hear more...

Our show is very funny and entertaining. That other show is, the actual show is not. If you want to hear more of Jen, you can get to our $10 once in a lifetime. She's already done the... What is that movie called? Deadly Mile High Club. And this month, we have a new episode coming out about stalked by my doctor, the return. Yes, yes. We forgot it on the Big Daddy Dispatch, but to let everyone know, yes, once in a lifetime, we'll return in February because it's

Love You, Air, or whatever, right? And we'll be talking about stalked by my doctor, too. I'm so excited. And speaking to huge creeps, who are we talking about on the Gleeve Glacery this month? Well, we're kind of continuing this theme of kind of doing pairings with the book of Boba Fett, because last month, we

to Dengar. This month we're going to do the Max Rebo band. Yeah. Yeah. And well, we're going to learn all about the day a lot of them perished on Jabba Sale Barge. It was the day the Jiz died. I guess so, except for, I guess Max Rebo got out, which is, you know, God bless, dude. And of course, new episodes of Melrode 2 and O

and the Nexus are on there. Listen, it's a stacked thing, folks. Check it out. Patreon.com Slash we hate movies. It's honestly too much. So check it out. And, of course, on the main feed here, WHM Prime, a new episode will roll out here next Tuesday. Steve, what will we be talking about then? Dust off your worst Irish accents, because we are going to get blown away next week with a friend of the show, Jamel Bowie, coming back. Yes, this is awesome.

I'm excited for this. I'll tell you right now, you know why? I'll admit it right here. I have never seen this movie. Oh, man. Neither of I, so we'll see. Oh, wow. Okay.

We will see. It's a wild one. treat. It's a wild. Oh, my God. Tommy Lee Jones finds out about you too. It's just incredible. Oh, boy, I love it. So until next week when Jamel Bowie is back on the program talking blown away, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, Chris Cabin and Jennifer Kay. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.