We Hate Movies - S12 Ep603: Morbius

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

On this special broadcast, the gang is chatting about the new Marvel snoozer, Morbius! Why in the world didn't they bite the bullet and make this the R-rated film it was meant to be? What is Jared Harris even doing here? How is this vampire movie so un-horny? And were they kidding with the way they advertised Keaton here? PLUS: The guys imagine how great it would be to podcast from International Waters! Morbius stars Jared Leto, Matt Smith, Adria Arjona, Tyrse Gibson, Al Madrigal, and Jared Harris; directed by Daniel Espinosa. Catch the guys later this month when they play Boston, D.C., and Philly! Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, break out your bags of bogus blue blood and get chugging because we're talking morbius. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Eric Siska. Lucian. Lucian. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in with this very special emergency episode. Hong Kong. We are coming to you just a few days after the release of Morbius directed by

Daniel Espinoza who you may know as the director of Snobakash with Joel Kahneman which was a Swedish crime thriller no thank you

executive produced by Martin Scorsese for some reason this motherfucker did Safehouse with Denzel and Ryan Reynolds that's probably the best

of the bunch because the other one is life like boom totally what's his fellow's name again

Daniel Espinoza Espino yeah no it's just the name though so your joke doesn't want yeah I know that's okay the reason of this emergency episode was this movie got announced like 2018 or 2019 and immediately like I feel like I was in the street and I was like well that's a terrible idea like I just and you stopped dead on Fifth Avenue and you were like guys this is does everybody else see this bad idea and I've just been desperately waiting and the pandemic moved this around quite a bit and then also I think Sony was like fuck what are we going to do with this well also you

Clearly, Jared Letto's demand in his contract that nobody else shoot a scene with him ever in any part of this movie. There's a lot of him just alone in this movie. A lot of close-ups, like, cut to him close-up? Yeah. To somebody else close up. Well, this is a question, though,

that I just thought when you were saying, your bit there, Steve, about the production, like, you know, being announced in 2018 or whatever. Was it like, we made this a long time ago and it got shuffled because of the pandemic? Or was this like a Pandy production? No, no. this was made in 2019.

Okay. Ready to come out in 2020. Got it. Okay. And the pandemic went nuts. And it's been to some odd years. This is an interesting character. I want to, you know, if there's new listeners joining us, don't worry, Stephen Sadek is a morbo export. Experts, not export, but if we sent you overseas, you'd be a Morbo expert. He's a morbidly enthusiastic, Morbius fan. Don't say it.

A morbthusiist. Yeah, it's, oh, boy. So what's your connection with this character? because you know about the character. I didn't know any of this shit. And you were very excited about this release. Like, even before we thought we were going to do an episode. He won't stop talking about it.

Like, you hear it on the air, but we hear it every day about Morbians. It's like, because it's just so stunning to me, he is a D-List, Marvel, like absolute D-List. Marvel villain sort of anti-hero that doesn't make much sense outside of either Blade or Spider-Man. They're like, let's give him his own. let's get two hours on this guy who can't sell a fucking comic book I might argue that

it almost feels like a troll yeah it kind of feels like Marvel's like we're never going to make a Batman movie so why don't we make a shitty vampire movie that's half a Batman movie essentially I mean the fucking him in the bat like tank the tank with the I'm like that is literally like a shot from Batman begins of

like the fucking bats going up. Exactly. The score is like... Let's talk about the first scene real quick that he's going into a bat cave. He's got a helicopter pilot that he's hired. Then we cut back to 25 years earlier. When does this take place? Is this after the events of the film where he goes to this bat cave?

Or is this where he gets the bats initially? This is where he... He's... There's some gobbledy gook line about like these specific bats have learned to something, something. they survive only on blood and he's like trying to harness a bunch of them

so these are the bats he puts in the bat ta tank yes these are the batta tank yes exactly those are the bats that he uses to make this thing that he wins the Nobel Prize for and tells them to go fuck themselves which is all right so first of all we have an arachinophobia opening which I really

appreciate that's true actually no way question about this before we get away from it because Eric you mentioned the helicopter and someone was someone was joking about the poster on Twitter about how like there was the helicopter in the middle of the poster. And it was like, oh, this helicopter is going to play a big part of the movie. It's just this one little prologue scene.

But this prolog scene was really pumped up in all the trailers. Him coming to this bat cave was like a big part of the trailer. It's like 35 seconds long. I thought these people were being murdered by the bats. And then we just leave that thread. We never pick it up again. I guess they weren't. I mean, like that's the thing.

It would be great if it wasn't a ratophobia scene. and somebody died because they came in contact with these things. Or like, this is like, you know, the opening the Raiders or some shit. I was going to say the intro to me was more Jurassic Park. Like, like, let's go to this specific place. Yeah, yeah, sure. Instead of dino DNA, we get bat DNA. Bat DNA.

I kind of want these other guys to all have like little bat cages. And like, all right, get as many as you can. And just like, if you can get 10 in a cage, great. If you're 20, even better. And then it's just kind of like scrangling for bats. get as many bats in this cage as you can and then we'll translate that to money for school supplies, American teachers.

Health insurance? No. No, that's not going to be happening. Just if they bite you, just ibuprofen, that's usually good. Speaking of health insurance, the whole he, Dr. Michael Morbius. Yep. Uh-huh. That's his name. That's actually his name. Invents fake blood and it's like

a Theranos Elizabeth Holmes type of thing. It's blue milk too. It looks like blue milk. Yeah, dude, it kind of dealing like some Star Wars blue milk that he's chugging throughout this movie. I can't believe we've got, we're actually pretty getting pretty going on this episode. We missed the best part of the movie,

which are the Vaporwave Nicholas Winding Refn as opening credits. Yep. We're like, oh, color. Best part of the movie. Absolutely. It's bookended with this title sequence and whoever did it, God bless you, did the only worthwhile thing in this movie.

I will say I also weirdly, I don't understand what they are. but those trails of energy that come off. I don't get that either. But it's colorful. The vaccine shed. That's what it looks like when you're shedding vaccine. It gives you a vapor ghost that just comes off your body.

Oh, I'm not going to take a Michael Morbius vaccine. No, thank you. I like my nose to be protruding, not dug into my face. Thank you very much. Oh, you trust Horizon. Uh-huh. You want to know the history of Horizon. I got a podcast for you.

Listen to by exactly seven people. Once we do get into the powers, that trail stuff comes off. I guess they're trying to look like venom in some way. Yeah. We like goopy stuff in Sony. But that was a splash of color. Like I was like,

that at least is keeping my eye. Because it's really like rich purple. It looks very cool. That's true. Color wise. But yeah, he's just shedding that vaccine. You got vampires fighting in this movie.

The sexiest fighters of all time. Instead, we resort to that marvelization of just gloop fighting each other. And it seems like nothing. It's two cartoons. You know how sexy vampires are? Then they could cut a rug, too. I wrote on my, I wrote on my notes, because especially at the part where, like, he kisses her and like even when he feeds on her later, and she's good looking and depending on who

you are, Jared Leto is good looking, I guess. And it's just like the unsexiest vampire movie I've ever seen. It's incredible. It's very Spider-Man-esque fighting, like, I mean, for, for good reason. but like also the like the slow motion shots and all those very Zach Snyder-esque when like you catch like a punch in mid like Matt Smith as vampire zombie here's the thing I don't think that's an accident because Matt Smith and Jared Letto's characters are jawing all through this movie about how they're fucking the Spartans and this that and the other thing

and there's like a there's a downright slow motion shot of Matt Smith dumbest look on a human being's face possible. Slow mo, running with that spear, he's trying to throw it at Jared Leto. That's just a shot from 300. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, it's rancid. One line that I really have to hit, because it's one of my favorite, it made me laugh at loud in theater

was the, he comes out of the helicopter, Morbius does, and he's got this rare blood disease, which I don't think is even real. Maybe it is. You can yell at me on Twitter. But like, and he has two like walking crutches. And this guy next to was like, do you need a doctor? And it's like, Well, no, I've been doing this my whole life.

I mean, like, I don't need to do it. That didn't happen in the helicopter. Did you ask me that at the helipad when we took off? Did you just notice I have these two walking crutches? This is for the audience. I am a doctor. Oh, yeah. Is that fucking crazy?

Somebody like you can, can be a doctor? It actually has a lot in common with Dr. Giggles when you think about it. Yeah, that's true. You know, the doctor heals thineself. You know, this is. You're going to turn me into doctor. Now we've got to, we could bring these all into the ICU, Eric. Yes, the doctor by the doctor.

You get Dr. Morbius in there. You get Dr. Giggles. You get Dr. Strange has to be the head of the whole thing. Dr. Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. Exactly. Oh, my God, Michael Morbius, you're drinking a cool looking blue drink there. I can't help but notice you don't like to bite 14-year-old girls.

That's kind of a bummer for me. Now let me ask you, does your fake blood have any hypnosis qualities and suggestibility that could be elevated through your fake blood? I would love some of that. Or in a pinch, is it going to help me out with my weak boners? For our stalked by my doctor movies, check on our Patreon. Exactly. The structure has been super weird, especially at the beginning because, like, yeah, it's the bat cave.

You don't know what's going on. and all these bats rushed towards them and you're like, okay, and it says 25 years earlier, we're in Greece, which is the character, the comic book character, is Greek in, really? Michael Morbius? Yes, that's, what? Yes, oh yeah. So this kid here in Greece

is supposed to be Greek and then Jared Harris, who's got the school for wayward blood kids. Jared Harris, who is here to die. Like, literally that's it. He's the headmaster at Bad Blood University. There's some line about, he's like, well, I'm going to send you to New York City.

Look, you, you weren't, you weren't supposed to be able to reset the blood majigger. The thing that when we get to the start of this grease scene that I was like, is this movie going to be all of this? And this is the only time it happens. So it's kind of worse. It's like all the bats come at the Jared Leto's face like in Costa Rica and it cuts to black. We do a fucking iris in on this island. And I was like, oh, that's how we're handling transitions in this movie.

Nope, that's just the only time that that happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, he is in this hospital. This is where he meets his little buddy, Milo, who will grow up to be played by Matt Smith. Well, he's Lucian first. Like, well, you're Milo for some reason. Dude, so, okay, I, I, what is that? Is his name Lucian Milo, Milo Lucian?

No, it's just Lucian. He's like, you're Milo. He's like, well, no, it's actually Lucian. And it's like, well, no. You're Marlo. And is it the kid before was Milo? is like, no, well, you're like the fourth Milo. There's always a Milo here. It's like what the fuck is a little

creep up to? That's okay. I didn't get any of that. I didn't understand. Oh, you're Milo. You look just like Milo. Do your hair like Milo did it? Oh, yeah, look at that painting of Milo. Here's about some bad fittings for you. It just looks like Milo. Oh, I'm on the top of a building now and there's purple stuff coming out of me.

I've got vertigo. Oh, my God. You fell under the bay. Oh, Milo. The last Milo died. You have to die, too. Don't you understand that? Oh, Verda Milo, the movie.

Alfredo Hitchcock. Verna Milo. And this is the, Steve and I had a hearty laugh. We saw this together last night. We had a hearty laugh at the theater. He's basically like, okay. Now I guess my name is Milo. What?

And this little kid just hilariously keels over. Oh, my God. Wonderful. And it's like this weird. But this is where this is a weird. montage of what it's like to live in Blood You where like he's like Oh yeah you can't go outside all the Greek kids

Are gonna make fun of you You gotta beat the shit out of you I cannot believe that This is Greek Eurasia then I don't see I don't see a fetta I don't see any mention of Anthony Quinn Nowhere here's some Saginaaki dude Yeah please come on anything

But I mean like it's I mean it's I guess he's an American in Greece because this And he's a Brit in Greece because it's like The best blood place for their or whatever. Or maybe it's like, you didn't tell me that. Listen, I mean, maybe it's a thing where it's like, dude, we got to set this hospital up in Greece because there's some real funky illegal shit

going on. We can't have this in the UK, man. Replishing their blood with olive oil. They're going to shut us down for all these blood experiments. Yes, you get a tax credit. It goes directly to Germany still. I'm sorry. Andrew, you mentioned seeing the movie with Steve.

I think we should briefly mention our theater experiences. Oh, yes. We saw this on opening night Thursday. March 31st, and now today's April fools, you saw Morbias. It is a great fucking trolling. So, like, for my experience, I just went to a kind of a rundown movie theater.

There was nobody in the theater forever. Eventually, two people did show up. One guy with, you could tell he was a Morbo head. You know, he had the biggest tub of popcorn I ever saw. I didn't even know they had the industrial VAT version at this theater. And then the other guy, just, you know, he came in a little late. I did not think another person, another soul, would grace the theater on opening night. Like a little late, like into the feature late?

Like, yeah. Like, did he miss the back cave? Like, during the vapor wave credits. Okay. And then he walked out during the end fight. That guy's got the right idea. Smart move, I would say. So what were your guys?

How was your audiences? So I went to theater in Danbury and AMC. I went to the first showing at this theater. How far is that from your house? And what's your address? Well, that's exactly 25th. Wait. And what's your social security number? Wait a minute. One of these days he's going to fall for it. Keep trying. What's your phone number?

You already know that. You already know that. I could read that to people right now. Stop it. Let me pull it up. Five, five. The, so I was at the AMC, Danbury. And I had about seven people in my screening. They all came in during the credits. There was a family. 1.8. No, I can. I lost that.

So there, I had a family behind me. A family. What kind of, what do we talk? Like olderish kids, little kids? About like, nine, ten year old. Any blood problems, you think? Blood problems? Yeah, and these kids, they look like.

Finally a movie for us. Exactly. Do they look pale as fuck? He was. A couple of myelos in the theater. He was going up and down the theater's staircase. I think he was trying to get some exercise. Oh, well, yeah.

Get the blood flowing. Yeah. And so he was with his family. They were definitely on the fucking phones the whole time. But they're behind me, so I don't really care. They're not making much noise. There is this father and his daughter about three rows ahead of me. This guy gets up at least four times before the movie actually starts.

Oh, wow. His ass is out. Like, look, I've had plenty of plumber ass. This was much more than that. Wow. This was about a third of the cheek. About, really? Like, he just wasn't thinking about it.

I could just, like, he was probably there specifically just to hang out with the kid, I imagine. Sure. But, like, because what happened was, uh, the movie gets in, like, maybe 10 minutes in. Like, we're kind of ending the grease part. Mm-hmm. And they leave. Yeah. They just immediately leave.

And a part of me wonders if they were one of those people who just wanted to see the across the Spider-Verse trailer. Oh, maybe. Or was it a pants malfunction? We got to get home. We got to get home. I got to go. My ass is making out here.

Oh, God. Honey, they ran away. It's just me, me and my jockeys. He just turns to his daughter and he's got like all these pieces of the belt buckles. What do I do?

You've got to catch you, darling. You got to go find my pants. I'm going to go to jail. Everybody else stayed in the theater thing. So how many people were there? They were probably like 7.8. Wow. If you guys, how about you guys? A little later showing of Morbius.

We're at the Alamo draft house downtown. Late night, a little rowdy, a bunch of people. I'm sure it was packed. Dude, I thought, listen, here's the thing. You know, you're going to a fucking draft house and like, say what you want about that chain. It can attract some of the most insufferable nerds of all time. And I'm like, I go there.

That's why I go there. Yeah, I go there to see those comic book movies, but it's also like some people watching shit. And I was like, here we go. bring out the nerds let there be geeks and we walk into the theater and there's like three people and it's like okay okay maybe it'll fill out

by the time the movie ended like I did a quick turnaround when the lights came up there was like 12 people in this auditorium and I will say by the way I don't think I've ever experienced this this movie hits credits multiple people audibly booing just audibly booing in the theater it was after the second stinger

because I think that's what everybody was waiting for I was like, how is this going to tie into whatever? When is this going to become something I actually enjoy? And then they realized that it was all a fucking bait and switch. So they're like, boo. Yeah, I kept expecting Michael Keaton to have some kind of role. He's the second cast member on IMDB. And he's in the trailers, right?

He's prominently in the trailer, probably in the later commercials because they want to trick you into seeing this movie, which is why. I mean, both Stinger scenes are vulture related, which is also an odd turn for Stinger. which is also one of them. He's in full vulture gear. So he's not there for that. He did like an hour on this movie. I had a fucking phone booth somewhere. That's a thing.

That feels like a voiceover. I would imagine that being like one of their computer generated fucking Keaton-esque fucking voice. Oh, Jesus. If we're doing that for. Oh. Because why wouldn't you show him in that? I don't understand what like because you think that thing looks cool. And it just feels like they did a stinger with my.

Keaton. I'm sorry we're talking about the very end of the movie now. If they did a, they did a stinger with Michael Keaton and then they were like, well, it's not enough. We need another stinger and we need him looking like vulture because people forgot. Spider-Man Homecoming was a while ago. Sure. It needs to be shown in armor,

which I guess he, we might as well just talk about it now. Okay. Yeah. Let's maybe, yeah, let's maybe do this because it's kind of like a thing to talk about it. And then we'll talk about more of you. It's also not related to the movie. It's not at all. Not even a little bit. So Michael Keaton appears in prison in this other world because of the Dr. Strange thing.

The dimensional rift is shown or whatever the hell you want to call it. Which looks like it was done on a PC. That looks really bad. Some screensaver shit. And it's just him in a prison outfit, be like, huh, hope they have better food here than my prison. Good? Is that good enough? And then I guess in this universe, no one knows who the fuck he is.

So they're like, I guess let this guy out of jail. I don't even know how he got in here. That's the whole thing. He's a New York One report about who he is. And I'm like, this is a stinger scene. What are we talking about? And then presumably he has to leave there and perfectly recreate his costume from the other universe. That's the thing.

He is coming from the Tom Holland universe to this one. So that, of course, raised up. I was seen this on Twitter last night. Like, so which spider versus this? Is it Andrew Garfield? Is it to him? It gives a shit. But like, that's the same question I had was like, so he.

just perfectly designed the vulture suit again? Like, where was Tinkerer helping him out with all that shit? It's true. Well, also, we've also know for sure that vulture's a bad guy. Sure. It's been made clear, like, an understandable bad guy, you know, Michael Keaton did, the

script was good, giving him some humanity as well. The whole fucking Morbius movie is about how he's a good guy. Yes. Yeah. And then, like, at the end, he's like, oh, villain guy. Yeah, let's be villains. That's absolutely, oh, what, a spider what?

What's that? I did not know he was supposed to be a villain, Morbys, I did not know he was a villain. He was a villain then turned into an anti-hero and then kind of walks between the two because he's a living vampire. He's like a reluctant vampire. I think eventually he's like, I'll only feed on evil people

and yada yada, so that's like, you know, are you into that, or you're not into that? A dexter vampire. Kind of a dexter vampire. But the thing is like you, so the second stinger scene is like this fucking Matthew McConaughey whiskey commercial where Michael Morbius is driving in the desert

Yeah, what are we in outside of Vegas or something? Morbius, who's never driven a car before? Like, you know what I mean? It's not even like he's not known to be driving. Is that why you like him? Relatability. And then like he stops in the middle of road for no reason and then Michael Keaton's cartoon comes out

and he's like, hey, I don't know how I got in this world, but I think Spider-Man was involved. I think I want us to a couple of guys like us team up and he's like, I'm listening and I'm like, are you that's what the booze happened. May I interest you in possibly killing a teenager?

No, why? Who? What's a Spider-Man? Who are you? What is going on? It's kind of crazy. I'm just, are you a vampire? I'm a vampire. This whole exchange is so terrible and like they really didn't bother to do the fucking full-on tombstone pile driver line of have him be like,

I don't know, it's something to do Spider-Man. What do you say? We team up and get down to something sinister. Like, just do it. Just do the thing that everybody can see you trying to piece together but no one's going to give a fuck about when you do it anyway. I assume

this world that they're in is the Venom world just because he will have to be like... I think I realize the Sinister Six or whatever. Yeah. They're going to make that the suicide squad for the Marvel version. Yeah, that makes sense. Wouldn't this be the Garfield averse?

because they sort of tease Sinister Six at the end of that second Spider-Man. They were teased lasagna as well. I would watch a movie of Andrew Garfield just eat in a tray of lasagna. Oh, totally. I hate Mondays. No, the thing, no, I don't think it is

because I mean, I think that for all intents of purposes, the universe is closed except for now it's reopened with the last Spider-Man movie. Well, because also, right, that, yeah. Well, because in that movie, don't you see Tom Hardy is Eddie Brock in a stinger scene or something? No, you do not. Where is that from?

That's at the end of No Way Home. Oh, that's what I was saying. Venom comes into the MCU, drops some of his goop and then goes back. And then goes back to his universe. And now there's goop and Marvel. He splooges in the Marvel universe and comes back. So that they can have their own venom.

That's a different actor. Probably. I cheaper actor. Look, I just missed Michelle Williams. Okay. So I led a little bit of my venom splooge in the other universe. The vulture thing, though, is really Marvel doing, yeah, you can use it.

They ask, like, who can we get? Like, we want to have something to tie in with this thing and blah, blah, blah. I was like, are you got anything for my people? No, we're good. Yeah, just take, I don't know. Mike, you busy? Not really. I mean, if the Doctor Strange trailer is any

sign, they are about to go absolutely buck wild with all this X-Men. We'll see. Oh, should you tell him what the movie's planning to do? Patrick Steer. Oh, I hope to strange. Welcome. Welcome Michael Morbius. Oh, isn't everyone excited?

You know that thing that you hate about the Marvel movies? Get ready for a lot more of it. I thought what you did rejecting the Nobel Peace Prize was quite brave, young guy. Very dope. Wait, so Professor X with Patrick Stewart's going to be in Dr. Strange. I didn't see any whatever trailer. He's in the trailer. You see Dr. Strange is going before some like counsel.

Tribunal. Yeah, and you just hear Patrick Stewart's like, oh, should we tell him? Oh, my God. Yeah. So back to Morbius. Yeah, sure. Cave, we see Milo and then Jared Harris is like, oh, by the way,

you're so special. You should go to America to be even smarter. Is Jared Harris foot in the bill for this education, by the way? I have no idea who he is. What's his name? I don't know. Nobody knows. He's there to die. I watched it yesterday.

What is his name? What is your name? All smart sick boys go to America. It's the best place for smart sick boys. You can't stay here with us in Greece where we all talk like this, I guess. I mean, and you're allergic to olives, so you clearly cannot stay. You have a smart sick boy like Vito Corleone. Remember he went to America?

He was sickly. He had to stay in the little Ellis Island Hospital for a bit. Remember that movie, Mr. Morbius? Remember how he was a good guy? Sickly white geniuses go to America. So he gives Morbius on his way out, gives Milo a origami something, a note in origami. And that's like sort of Barbius' calling card is origami, which is kind of a boring calling card. We've seen that in movies before.

The only reason it's a calling card is because he accidentally, one falls on the floor in a place that becomes a crime scene in a few minutes. And Tyrese picks it up and is like, well, you'll look at that. That's it. That's as far as that goes with the origami calling card. I have to say that the Canary and the coal mine with the Batman shit is absolutely the fucking James Gordonesque, the fucking Al magical character. You're totally right. The glasses and the mustache. It's just, and the way he carries himself is also very Gordonesque. It's just, it's unbelievable to me. I could never tell from this detective team like who was supposed to be the lead guy like Tyrese or Al.

No idea. And I don't know that the movie really decides, but it's like, nobody cares. magical is the one kind of trying more. Yes. He guesses the idea. Tyrese has that great line of like, sir, thank you for your fake blood. It saved my arm in Afghanistan. Oh, right. So his fake blood was invented prior to the war in Afghanistan. See, that's a problem. It's trying to tie down. When did the war in Afghanistan happen? Oh, right. It was 50 years long. So yeah, it's always, it's happening now now. Well, actually now it's finally not happening. Well, if it's supposed, if this is supposed to be happening now like in current day like the main so you're saying that well this movie was made before they they pulled out of the gap yeah actually that's fair he would this would he'd be in greece in

like what the early 90s yeah I guess he said 25 years earlier so he'd be some the early 90s but so he gives him this uh origami note it's like I'll see you soon mylo it falls out the window my favorite scene is mylo getting a like so kid I mean like I don't know man people are bullies that it sucks but a kid with crutches you're going to really start bullying this kid. And we are like fucking Robert De Niro kicking this kid. But it's so funny though. I know it's bad, but like he's like, please give me back my letter. And he's getting his ass kicked. It's great. And then he starts like beating this kid half to death with his crutches. That's how you realize that he's sort of going to be the evil one. Yeah. Like as soon as I saw that swipe dude, I was like, oh, here's our villain. And I kind of want to see like, I want to see him turn this kid this big fat Greek kid to jelly. You know what I mean? Yeah. Really going for it. Then then Jared Harris can be like, Oh, now, break up that fight, you do? And then he could be like, oh, well, we'll have to, he's dead. Oh, no, we'll put this under the rug.

We'll take his blood and put it in you. Take him to the furnace. That's the only place we can really get rid of him. But then we cut to the Nobel Prize, and he's getting the Nobel Prize. And it just, it's a weird scene where, like, it's actually consequential movie where he rejects the Nobel Prize,

but you don't see that. It just cuts mid-sets. And now Michael Morbis says, ah, and they cut to like, he's in the hospital and then like his girlfriend Martine is like or his friend Martin's his friend yeah his friend Martinez like I can't believe you

turn down the Nobel Prize it's bad for the hospital bad for you right but I'm like did he turn down the noble I guess so like I would love to have seen that and get up to get up and get up and give a speech and say he just kind of walks away because he showed up to say fuck you yes exactly just not gone I mean

it's a nice vacation hell I get it I mean I assume they put you up in a very nice hotel but that's the problem once you say fuck you now when you go back to the hotel, they give you the bill. It's like, hey, dude. Right. Oh, fuck. Oh, yes. It would appear as if you said, fuck you during the ceremony. Here's the bill for your four nights here.

This five-star hotel. Should have kept your potty mouth shut. But, like, that happens multiple times in this movie, Steve. And it's a weird thing where, like, this movie is not even two hours long. It's an hour and 45 minutes. With credits and stingers. Yep. Oh, boy.

You don't see him do that. You don't see Matt Smith take the same potion and turn into the villain. There's all the shit that they cut out and you're like, for what? And you get the feeling that Jared Lito was like, like, if there was something longer than a paragraph, he's like, no, I'm not doing that. Like he's just, I can't be, I know, I won't be bothered. God bless the runtime though. I mean, it's very short, but at the

same like 144 is short now for some reason. But if you added 15 minutes in, where explain some shit, I wouldn't mind. Or rounded stuff out. Exactly. Like how, I mean, there's so many questions. Like, how and why is Matt Smith a billionaire? What is that relationship like? You have no idea what he does for a living.

He just has like this swank pad in New York. And he's bankrolling all of Michael Morbius's research at this. What is it called the sundown facility? I think it's a lab in Wuhan, China. The Hanover, whatever. He's trying to splice. Horizon. There it is.

Try to splice human DNA with bat DNA. It's, yeah. I could see why it was shelved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That might have been a little bit of a controversy. I could see that. But to your point, the Milo thing having money, you need to explain that. I guess it's just a billion-dollar baby that fell into Jared Harris. Yeah. And he'll send Michael Morbius, not you, my little golden egg. No, no, you shall stay with me. Well, it's weird because it appears like now in the present-day situation, like, Jared Harris is just like his doctor. He's contracted to only have Matt Smith as, like, his only patient.

But it's also not, like, it seems like, doctor, nurse, like, therapist, the whole fucking shebang is him. And I do wonder if the reason that they have, like, Jared Harris, like, kind of just being the connective, like, literally for certain scenes to work, you just have to have another actor doing this. Yeah. So I wonder if Jared Leto had, like, I have this list of actors, I will stand. Jared Harris is one Matt Smith is two I mean I guess so

But is Jared Lotto Really the kind of actor That can make dumbass demands like that I mean he won an Oscar I guess yeah I mean this movie is bankrolled on Jerry I mean let's get into him too I mean like I'm not the world's biggest Jared Lito fan

I liked his earlier stuff His Fincher stuff You know panic room is fun in And he demanded that there needed to be Another Jared in the movie This is a two Jared picture It's actually good luck, just to have another Jared there. They had to cut Jared Fogel out.

Yeah, sorry. That wasn't the original cut. But like, you know, and like he got really insufferable. His Joker is absolutely terrible. Yeah. And all that stuff. I kind of liked him in House of Gucci, which I was kind of surprised by. Yeah.

But this, I've never seen him care less. I have never seen my dude care less. Is he trying to be like stoic cool and it comes off that way? That's probably right. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. But here's two things.

It's like you act so hard, Chris, that you end up not acting in a game. I guess so. That is probably true. But like the other thing he does a lot and it's something that is common with what he won on Oscar for is being sickly. Yeah. That's true. That's like a whole thing in this.

Two things, two quotes that were revealed about this that tell you exactly what his mindset is one. He said, well, the character of Michael Morbius is so close to my actual personality. I didn't need to go so deep into my method acting. So no person. So just sort of like, it was just sort of like, I just kind of showed up like that's because it's also like your Johnny Depp, I'm not getting a haircut for this role kind of a situation. Yep, definitely. And the other one is he's like, even though he put all the prosthetics in house of Gucci, people are like, so you didn't do prosthetics for this movie. He's like, no, I just thought the digital effects would look better. So it's like, yeah, I don't want to sit in a chair for four hours. Absolutely. You see so many people, they overplay what it's like to thirst for blood and to consume it. I have to say from my own experience, It's a very leisureful activity. I just take a big glass, pour it out, and sip it.

It's nice. It's very delicious. It's like tomato juice. It's its quiet taste. Coppery. Yeah. So do we mention, by the way, as lady friend Marteen Bankroft? I don't know if this is a character from the comics.

She is, yeah. This is Andrea Ariona, who I guess was on True Detective Season 2, a bunch of other stuff. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything. That fucking season of, that is such a piece of shit. You kind of, you kind of have to see it to believe it. Like, it's so, like, the worst performance. Colin Farrell's okay in it. But, like, Vince Vaughn is doing such up his ass bullshit in that.

He'll do that. Yeah. Really bad. So we get a little bit of him, like, doing some research here. He does, like, a bat autopsy at one point, which is disgusting. There's, like, a little girl under his care while he's doing these experiments. And, like, so he does the experiment, like, with the fusing of the bat DNA and the people. DNA and a computer screen

turns green and there's a little green check mark so we know that the A mouse has a heart attack. He's created a new way for mice to have heart attacks which is very important. A nice little CGI mouse dies and then is quickly resurrected. All in the sake of pushing evolution that's like the whole conversation

here is she's like hey I don't know man this seems pretty fucked up you're sort of like forcing the issue here on evolution. But the idea is he part of his condition is A he needs multiple blood blood transfusions a day and two he is going to die

really soon like he's already outlived like he's only the outer rim of like whatever his life expectancy is supposed to be and so that's sort of the little girl starts to crash and he has to do like a medically induced coma and that like sets the clock and the motivation again he wants to like save this girl

because he's a good guy remember everybody's good guy he's great credit oath do no harm whatnot so he goes to Matt Smith That's not according to the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, fucking Morbius, that asshole? Did you see how much he ordered? Rost beef sandwiches.

And look at all the pornography on the pay-per-view. And to say, fuck you in front of all of my friends? I don't even think he enjoyed the pornography. He just liked it in the background. I don't know if I'm talking about her school. I hope that guy turns into a vampire. Honestly, I don't mean to be. be a dick or not? I just hope that fucker turns into a fucking vampire. It's a funny premise, right,

that a doctor accidentally turns himself into a vampire. I guess they're trying to do like a mad science thing. Yeah. Well, it's a very marvely, I mean, early 70s Marvel thing, which is like, one, you know, oh, like, especially Spider-Man villain thing, which is like, I have this horrible condition. Oh, let me heal myself. Whoops, I'm a monster. Right. Like Dr. Strange is like, let me heal myself, whoops, I'm a wizard now. Exactly. They're all kind of follow that formula. Right. So he goes to Matt

Smith and he's like, hey man, we kind of got like one last shot at this. I think I got the serum where it needs to be we got to do human trials next which means you guessed it. International Water Science Experiment. Matt Smith has henchmen in this scene and they never come back. It's like this Russian dude and he's like,

what's with the muscle man? And it's like I won them in a poker game. A There's a total bullshit set. And I leaned over to you when we were watching it because he goes in the door and like this goon gives Jared Leto a hard time here. And he's like, you know, oh, you're only treating me this way because you're bigger than me or whatever.

And I was like, oh, when he gets all mortified, he's going to be jacked and he's going to kick that dude's ass. No, we never see that guy again. Well, that would be something you would like to see. So, of course, it cannot be. Paying something off at a movie. Yeah. That's not going to be happening.

Oh, that guy? Oh, yeah, I beat up that henchman off screen. We are just trying to get to an ending here, folks. That's what's happening. We are fast forwarding to get to that Stinger scene. That's all this is. Next scene's a coming. 13, oh, sorry, 13 miles off the Long Island, you could do whatever you want. I was burst out laughing when they mentioned Long Island because I think they're like,

it's like the International Waters thing. We're maybe trying to hint at Dracula a bit. Oh, yeah, totally. How he came from jolly old England to wherever. A boat with like dead people. people on it. Yeah, that kind of a thing. But, you know, it's all these mercenaries who seem not to be briefed whatsoever. Yeah, they have no clue what they're there for. I need to know, like, and again, like, these are like one line from Matt Smith, like, well, and my parents left me all

that money, then I know how that is. One line from Matt Smith. Listen, Michael, you're going to do this crazy thing. There might be pirates out there. The law might get involved. I'm going to send you some guys. That's all I need. Like that's anything. You could have sent the dude from the house. That's right. Yep, exactly. It would make sense, but like, they don't, he's just on a boat with all these dudes machine guns and I'm like, why? And like these dudes who seem to have orders that say like, if something goes tits up, you have to murder Morbius. Because like he, so he does the experiment, right? And like he starts freaking out and whatnot. And Martines like behind, you know, he, leto's like locked in a room or whatever. And she like is like, oh, somebody get help or, you know, whatever's going on. And the. And the, dudes are like upstairs playing poker and it's like, what is going on down there? Let's go see. And like, they run in with these fucking machine guns ready to blast this dude.

Oh, I was expecting Dr. Jekyll and I get here and it's Mr. Hyde. And he, you know, lays ways to these dudes. Now listen, it's my oldest and dearest friend in the world, Michael Morbius. He's like a brother to me. He gave me my name. It's actually Lucian. Everyone calls me Milo now because of Michael Morbius. Anything happens. Murder.

He is the first to be murdered. No, no, no. Bring more machine guns. Bullets are no object. Get as many as you can in the body. You may want to get some dynamite, you know, some grenades or something. Have you ever set fire to a body on a boat? Man, some of these guys get scratched up by I presume Jared Leto's actual cocaine fingernails.

Well, again, he was, this is so close to his actual character personality. Oh, cool. I don't have to trim my coke nails. Well, this is like, that's the thing. It's like, in this movie, he's more of a raggy vampire. In real life, he's more of a blade villain vampire.

Like high command, high fashion. Sunglasses that never makes sense. I just realized something. I glanced at my notes. I mean, this was, I was taking them during the movie, so maybe I'm wrong. Was the boat named Mernow? Yeah. Wink.

Ouch. Everyone banging out. I got salt in my eye. I'm winking. Dude, well, it's hilarious because... So there's a couple of things where you needed some take-toes with pronunciation. This Martine character

refers to the award that he turns down as the noble. So let's reset on that one. Because I couldn't say Nobel. No, because it is. Everyone else says it. Everybody else says it.

What the fuck is going on in this movie? So it's a prize for bravery. You can just ADR that. So he turns down our Turns down our award This girlfriend is misprouncing it I hate that fucking Michael Moore I just heard

I know I know I shouldn't speak ill I wish he turned into a vampire I am just saying He left a turd in the shower I talked to the man A turd in the shower What kind of a man shits in the shower But then the other one is

Jared Leto does a Like distress call After he kills all these dudes so everyone on the ship is dead except for Martine who's been pushed by one of the goons and hits her head. She's out cold. He sends a distress call to the coast guard. This is where we get 17

miles off the coast of Long Island, L.O.L. And then he goes, like, oh, this is the SMC or whatever the registration is on the boat. Mernaw. Yeah. And I'm like, no, again, you're referencing a fucking legendary film director.

Because if you're not following folks at home, FW. Murnau, directed Nosferatu. That's what we're doing here. Yeah, it's pronounced like Murtaugh. I mean, is that because it was Long Island? Like, what? It's just, just tell, stop the recording and be like, Jared, it's Murnau. Try it again. It's like, my girlfriend needs a doctor. I guess I'm not one. I'm jumping into the ocean. Dude, him just jumping off that boat is fucking hilarious. So what do we think, two things.

One, we could do a show 14 miles off the Long Island, right? We should do a fucking, a live show. Yeah. Get like a cruise ship type situation. Yes, I like with a little stage. It's not that far, guys. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, Chris Cabin. Please do not push me overboard. Anything goes. And in this special episode from the high seas, Chris will marry a horse. Live TV. You get them on the boat. I'll do it. Up to the zoo after all these years. Don't mind that. This is a bunch of Vietnamese gentlemen playing Baccarat behind us. Don't worry about it. Look, we're doing. doing this without ads, so we had to make a deal here.

That's the thing, yeah, do you want to answer? Do you want us to broadcast on the high scene? Ooh, it's brought you by crypto for human trafficking. I now pronounce he podcaster and horse. But the, we should talk about Morbius's appearance, right? Like he, yeah, that's something. I mean, the weird thing is like, vamping out. I mean, the nose going back is a little. It's a bit weird because, I mean, in the comics, he's just, that's just how that dude looks.

Like, he's just deformed all the time. And it's like, does the comic design match? Because, of course, I went home and I put on the Spider-Man 90s cartoon. That cartoon is fucking hilarious. It's great. But in the comics, did he look like that with the big white head, how they put him in the cartoon? He's got, he's all white all the time. He's got varied long kind of hair, and he's got like a pushed in-nosed and, like, vampire teeth.

He just looks like a fucking monster all of the time as opposed to, like, this, this, cure doesn't make him sexy because that is something Jared Letto looks like because they show him they have like some CGI like emaciated body stuff. Yeah and then he gets muskles. Yeah he gets really sexy for a bit. I think they just took the shot of Jared Letto's body at the

end of Requiem. Yes. And then just put his stupid Morbius head on it. Yeah. But this that scene of him like looking in the mirror on the ship reminded me of Spider-Man 2002 and Toby's looking like oh wow big change, big

changes. Right. It's like emo Spider-Man a little bit. But yeah, he is. But I mean, I don't, I mean, A, prosthetics would be so much better. I don't necessarily mind the CGI, but like when it, they start fighting and he really starts moving, I'm just not watching it anymore. It becomes incomprehensible. The fights in this are a big problem, especially once you get to the final ones with Matt Smith, where it's just like, you added the not goop, the, the, the drifting purple dust, which is cool in concept. Oh, the vaccine shedding. vaccine shedding. But then you got vaccine shedding everywhere, and I'm like, well, they were right.

I should have listened to Fox News. I've gotten three shots already. I'm not getting a fourth one and turn it into Michael Morbiz. Okay. Three, I understand. It got me through 2021. I never got the virus. Thank God. I would take 20 shots if it turned me into a vampire. Absolutely. If you look close enough to the vaccine he's taken in this movie, you can see it says I've ammectin on it. You got to pause it and you really got to get your little glasses out, but it's right there. Oh my God, he's mixing Pfizer and Moderna.

This is unheard of. He's got a hunger for blood. So yeah, so she, enter what you'd be called Tyrese and Al Madrigal and woof, dude. I'm like,

I know Venom had this, right? And I think that part of what the problem with this movie is I think we were all a little too nice to Venom because Venom was, I wasn't. That first movie is fun.

bad is the sequel sucks I think it was terrible I thought the first one was like it was a big honk and whatever but Tom Hardy's a lot of fun to watch it is exactly Tom Hardy is good yes and this guy is bad and I think that because that was

successful even though it was kind of a bad movie they're like oh they'll eat any slop and it's like well not really because Tom Hardy actually like just elevates that movie into something that's like kind of like popy and like kind of weird there's humor in that movie Like even when I didn't like it, I was like, they're going for jokes.

That's at least a positive step forward. And Tom Hardy's become like a legit movie star now. Yes. You know, like legit movie star. Jared Letto is an actor that he's chasing Oscar bait. But he doesn't have like anything that really hooks into a general audience's appeal. What is a big, big Jared Letto movie? This is it?

Honestly. Is this his first like lead? How many movies has he led? Because he's in movies. But like, he's a suicide squad Which is a big movie But he's also like That's a big

He was cut out of it Pretty much Yeah I mean that's an ensemble How's of Gucci Ensom Yeah I mean he's the lead

In Requiem Yeah but that's like Trillion years ago But we also I mean Requiem is good And interesting And art house too

And it's art house And we've a lot of different people It's splintered Like the Oh I thought you were saying A movie car It's not just him It's got like

Ellen Bernston And all that And Wayans is a pretty Big part of it But yeah he's not He's not like He's in movies You're right

he's not like a huge lead of movies. And that's the thing, too, is like, Blade as well, an all-timer. Wesley Snipes is a fucking movie star. You know what I mean? Like, you- Chapter 27, I guess, is he's a lead. Oh, yeah, that's true.

I did not see it. That movie sucks shit. Lord of War, he's the second fiddle to Nick Cage. So he's immediately overshadowed. And this, and he's doing snappy Arnold-esque one-liners in this, and they suck. It just doesn't work.

It doesn't. No, he's not. So, like, whatever, Al Madrigal and Tyrese, Which, woof, when I was going with that, like, Venom had, like, a vague cop thread in that as well. So, like, maybe we did a vague cop thread in this. It's like, no, not really. Like, they do nothing.

No, and I kind of get the feeling that these were people that all had, like, I can imagine all these people openly on, like, Twitter or something, saying, like, man, sure would like to be in a Marvel movie at Marvel or something. Just like, it feels like all these people were just like, I would technically like to be in the MCU. Can I... Is there some way to technically get in there? Can I blow the mind of everyone in this room right now? Sure.

Sure. I'll insert my pants. Did you know that Tyrese's character, whatever, Sam Stroud, Simon Stroud has a robotic arm in this movie? What? In the movie you watched last night. Wait, what? I thought the artificial blood saved his arm. I'm passing this around.

There's a photo? That's just not in the movie. It's like, it's an amazing... He's got like something like that looks like... They cut this out and then they just made that line of like... like my arm was saved. It looks like an advanced super soaker. If it's a robot arm,

then the fake blood didn't save it. Oh, I see what this is going on. There's some tubing going from his, from his shoulder to the lower forearm. So maybe that's the blood making the robot arm work. Whatever, but that is 6,012% not in this movie.

Science fiction fantasy comic books. Black men can have arms. You know, you don't have to cut off every black. guys are. Yeah, why is he Jacks? Yeah, exactly. But I mean, like, even still, like, that would give him something to do in this movie is use, oh, you didn't expect me to use my robot arm. And maybe that's a line that gets cut. But I mean, like, so then what is he even doing in the movie to begin with? It's a great question because he and Detective Al Madrigal accomplish absolutely fuck all nothing.

I mean, I think the answer is they're trying to ground the movie in some type of reality. Like, people would be like, where are the cops if we don't see them? But also, where is Spider-Man? Where are the Other superheroes, where's anyone? Or Tyrese just called out Bob Iskoff on Twitter. It was like, hey, man, would love to be part of it. Would really love to be part of that. I mean, like robot arm, useless cop, whatever you got for me, man, I'll do it. Look, if in some iteration of this character in the comics does become a character, boy, that'd be great.

They should do something, right? At least one of these cops at the end, now maybe I blocked it out. Maybe this did happen. No, they don't do anything. Nothing happens. Okay. Nothing happened. They should do something. They should help in some way. At the end, when Morbius defeats his ill-defined villain and flies into the night,

ill-definedly, Tyrese just looks up like, it's kind of a next time, baby, but not really like, it's just like, Morbius, oh, you son of a bitch, and that's it. Let me look up to the sky and go, maybe. I feel like it's closer to a next time, baby, if you knew he had a robotic arm. That's what he should put his arm up to the camera. close the robot fist? And then just a robot middle finger go up or something. That'd be fun. Yeah, so

they're like trying to figure out what's going on. Meanwhile, Morbius goes, he sneaks back to the lab. And this is like, you get a little bit, because he's, you know, Letto is using like a, like a little recorder to document like the notes as he's trying to figure out what happened

to him. So you get a little bit of like how he's feeling and what these powers are doing. You get his like echo location shit. Dude, this effect with the ears where it makes his ears look like the underside of a mushroom. It's disgusting. I want to vomit. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Now Steve has been going on for months about his bat radar capabilities. So did it hold up for you? Oh yeah. I was everything I wanted to see. I was like what I want when I go into the Morbius movie guys, I want to see goopy streaks of shit

and I definitely need to see bat radar. It's the worst kind of fucking like super power. or weird ear. Like, I just, Weird ear. So he's like, you see he can kind of

like jump around or whatever. Oh, students. And what did you deduce you to weird ear? He'll be here at the academy. Now remember students, no talking shit. He can hear for miles. I actually like to be called more beers.

No, no, weird ear. That's very nice, weird ear. And now everyone remember, his ears are not actually mushroom. So if you get hungry and you want to put them in butter, that's, Out of bounce. And remember, his superpower is listening.

Remember that. And if you lick those ears, you won't be tripping on mushrooms because believe me, I've tried. Do not try to serve those in butter. No, no, no. Well, you licked my ears? No, nothing further. But, you know, like, and to Chris's point, this is Jared Ludu's favorite kind of scene in this movie, which is most, he's just by himself for a long time here.

Totally. And he's like, he's just this rubber ball. he's doing some Jack Nicholson stuff. Yes, you're seeing him, like, experiment with, like, closing his eyes and, like, listening to catch the ball flying all over. He realizes, like, the shit is, like, kind of wearing off. So he has to keep drinking the fake blood to sort of, like, power back up or whatever. And the whole thing is he realizes, like, the time between, like, when he chugs a bunch of this blue milk and, you know, then the time where it starts wearing off, that window is getting shorter. and the whole thing is like

you know he's doing this with the fake blood because he doesn't want to drink the real blood because that's that means he's a bad guy if he's drinking the real blood like why have fake blood if you're not using it all the time and Mila's got so much money like why don't why don't they just have tons and tons of fake blood

yeah just don't be drinking it all the time again because it's not even like um I was thinking about this like usually it would be like you know oh the good vampire will go to blood banks and steal blood you know what I mean not kill people. But I think actually because there are blood shortages and

stuff, it's like, oh no, you're not just killing one person. You're killing like a hundred. They should like. Yeah, Jeffrey Wright can't help you anymore. A fun and games portion of this movie where they're wearing lab coats setting up fake Red Cross blood drives. It's fun music. It's him and it's him and Matt Smith right this

way. Exactly. And they're like rubbing their hands together. It's like, oh, you get a cookie now. Oh, we have some orange juice here for you. Totally. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's probably what happens to most of the blood you donate. Oh, goes to vampires, for sure. Right to big vampire.

Yeah, Peter Thiel. Yeah. He was the head vampire. Straight to Kissinger. He's got to chuck that shit these days. That is right. I have the Michael Morbiage disease. He must, right?

He's like a pure little goblin now, right? I go into a bath of blood much like my favorite movie, Hostel Part 2. Play it again. When is the last time you saw Henry Kissinger in direct sunlight? Question. Yeah. Question.

Oh, he'd go right up. Oh, yeah. It just flames everywhere. Oh, no, I'm going up like a Cambodian village that I fucking insiderated. My other, my second favorite movie, Manhunter, has a scene much like the, the sunlight thing. That's not a thing in this, right? Yeah, we're just not doing it. He makes it dumb as donkey dick jokes.

about it too. That we'll get to. We'll get to. Oh, we'll get to it. Don't worry about it. But so, like, yeah, we're basically just explaining his powers, not to great effect, because I was still confused. Nope. By the end of it, he goes into, there's just this one room just filled with bats, just filled with these bats.

The bat to tank. And who's feeding these bats? It's my question. Yeah, you don't see that scene. Are they feeding it? The fake blood? So I don't know. And also, who's, who's scooping up the bat shit?

Is the real? Because that's what he goes in there to become one of them. He's like, oh, is you shitting in there to become one of them? They're like my brothers. We all shit together. We must learn to live together like this. Janet comes in. There's all the little bat pellets and then just the big human coil in the middle.

Yeah, we see, we hear all your complaints. Yes, yes. We should have had a Butler character. But I got to tell you, Jared had a list of actors that he stands. It started with Jared Harris and it ended with Matt Smith. Jared Harris has Milo's, he's kind of like the anti-Alfred. He's like an Alfred that works against you. For Milo anyway.

Yes. Yeah, because he's like, he's always like trying to make Milo be good and Milo wants to be evil. I'm just thinking about other properties that have old living men. It's not a lot of movies where some guy's got an old living man with him. So, but Matt Smith comes into the movie and he comes into this after a while. Actually, what's going on is now Jared Leto is. Morbius is testing how long he could last

without this fake blood so he locks himself in a room He's seeing a baby up on the ceiling The underworld starts pumping in And Matt Smith's like Oh wait, you're cured Holy shit, you're really sexy And he's like, I can't give you

my sexy curse dude I can't let you be sexy One of the funniest parts of the movie is right here because Matt Smith drops into the lab and he's like So what's going on here today my best friend oh no what's going on with you and like Leto is convulsing

in this glass cage and he sees Matt Smith and he just starts writing blood in blood on on the wall with his own blood or on the window and Matt Smith just goes blood like confused and I'm like dude all you guys talk about all the live long day is blood why would you be surprised

that's what I understand like what flavor fat human what do you want artificial also So, my favorite is he writes blood and his own one says, what? Oh, blood. And then he like underlines. And it's like, oh, I get it. Oh, man, the underline incredible. I thought it was going to be a full sentence. Now I see. So he gives him fake blood. And then he's like, oh, my God, you're cured. Look at you. You're walking around. You look great. You've got muscle mass. That's exciting. And it's like, can't do it, bro. It's just, it's too awesome like this. It's actually a curse. You don't understand the curse of having erections again. It's so terrible. I don't know.

We're broken dicks part of this whole thing? They just look very lethargic. It's like they're not really up for getting it up. Droopy cocks. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. They look droopy. That's the look is droopy.

I love the idea of a medical procedure being a curse. Yeah. Being a vampire is almost never a curse. Like, you don't turn into a vegan vampire, it's awesome. It's all plus. And in this case, it's much better because you have like all the potocatives and none of the negatives. Yes. It's like being a Jim Jarmish vampire, dude.

Oh, man. Those fucking vampires, Anton Yeltsin, Tilda, all them guys, Tom, what's his face? Yeah, that's another Tom. Who's that guy? Hittleson, yeah. Like, that's the vampire life for me, man. Living in a burned out house,

listening to records, playing guitar. And then you show up there, you're like, dude, could you fucking make me a vampire? Oh, no, it's a fucking curse, man. I have to live for hundreds of years and play cool guitars and, like, have crazy sex. You wouldn't, you wouldn't, you would hate it. Andrew, you would hate it.

You would totally hate it. Because you don't want others fucking getting in on your shit. Look, you want to be the only one who's looking for the big bopper skull or whatever. Bye, bye, baby. That thing has got to be in peace.

Oh, yeah. But if you have all the time in the world, you could piece that baby together. You want to talk about 13 miles off the coast to Long Island. Oh, don't know. It's the ocean. Yeah, Tom Hiddleston does a little night swimming, finds the fucking pieces.

But so Matt Smith, unbeknownst to the audience, but pretty obviously, because he's in this room and they show very clearly when he walks in all these vials of the cure. He must have palmed one of them and walked out after. They have this huge argument. It's like, you're going to, so now you're sentencing, because again, like, it's like Matt Smith's like, I'm going to like die tomorrow and every day sucks. And now look at you doing backflips. He's like, no, man, you would hate it. Dude, you would hate feeling this good. Oh, dude, you'd hate it.

And Matt Smith could do the arithmetic. And Jared Leto, too, he knows that whenever fucking Matt Smith kicks it, he's in for quite the windfall as far as money comes. Yep. He's definitely getting a piece of that action. But that's why I feel like you got to be careful with this, though, right? Because, like, you piss him off. He's going to go and change that will.

Then you're screwed. Well, then it hinges on Jared Harris, who is in love with Michael Borbius. Oh, absolutely. was he's the golden child he's the golden boy made for that education so the next thing you see is this nurse

who they've sort of set up earlier like she's just a nurse that they work with and it's like the only closest thing to a horror scene in the movie you know she's just in a hallway and like she sees something

batting around behind her and it looks exactly like Morbius batting around even by grudge American remake standards this is not very good. No, it's not scary. It's a, and I don't know what, you know,

here's the thing. Like, it doesn't, we don't need this kind of a jump scare kind of. Yeah, no, I don't need that in this movie. I know how dumb as shit this movie is. Like, I know I'm not here to be spooked. Come on. Look, look, you guys don't care. I don't care. Let's just get this over with

everybody. That's, I mean, that's the morbious way. Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on. Don't play me for a sucker. Just fucking get on with it. You could have had a sexy bite. Give me sexy bites. You know, I thought he was leading there, we're leading there with the girl at the bar. Obviously, that doesn't happen. We'll get to it. But...

And this nurse is kind of sexy. I want to see like that. That's... Thank you, Eric. Where are my sexy bites? Bend over and I'll show you. Here's the thing. You're going to bite my bottom. Now my bottom's big. Oh, that's another thing that's so stupid about this. And again, you know, talking about

fucking blade, there is no on-screen violence in this movie. There's no gore. There's a moment when he's attacking those mercs on the boat, he straight up cuts a dude's throat and you hear the like sound effect and the actor grabs his throat like, but like you don't see a goddamn thing.

That's clearly what they figured out was that like if you make the wet noise, you don't have to show it. Right, right, right. You just put a lot of wet noises in here. It's horseshit. A little gurgle. But like Deadpool was humongous.

It was rated all. R? Like, what, why are we, the only way to make a vampire movie that makes any sense at all is it has to be rated R. Like, it just has to be. Right. Yeah. For sex alone, which obviously is nowhere near this film, and for violence, you need an R-rated vampire movie.

Deadpool was also Sony Marvel, right? Am I wrong? That was Fox. Ah, Fox. Well, R-I-P-D, Fox. But, you know, just make an R. You're allowed. No one. I feel children shouldn't be seeing the Morbius movie anyway. But here's the thing. I feel part of this is they have to.

They won't. I feel like it's the studio hedging their bets where it's like, all right, this is an F-class character. No one gives a flying fuck. We cannot prevent someone who wants to go see this movie to see it. You know what I mean? You know what you do is like, like they did with the D character, uh, peacemaker, make a TV show. Well, yeah, maybe a vampire TV show and then maybe fucking Deadpool hangs out.

That's the thing. what is, does Sony have a preferred streaming service? I don't do that they do right now. Because this feels, uh, crackle. Oh, crackle, okay, that's nice. Do they own this? They own crackle. It would make more sense if something like this,

it acts like something that was made for like the Disney Plus. See, like just to be dumped off there. It's an interesting. It's somehow too dark still. Worldware in now, like used to be when a, when a TV show was made, like sometimes 20th Century Fox would make a TV show that airs on NBC or whatever.

Yes. It's just make. make the show and then license it to Disney or whatever. Put on Hulu or something. Yeah, exactly. Something. Well, because this is a question I had because I haven't watched it yet. I will dabble because I like the actor fine enough, even though I literally don't know what this character is and whatever. But like, Moon Night. Yep. Is Moon Night like violent? Like what are we, like how how crazy are we getting on Disney Plus with that shit? I have not seen it yet. I do want to check

it out. It must be violent enough because yesterday when I signed into Disney Plus to watch the Simpsons. No, I know what this is about. They asked me to, am I okay, keep moving my profile to TVMA. But that's about taking the Netflix daredevils and that's now on Disney Plus. Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh. So I think that's why that is coming up. Did anyone else see that article about on for Captain Mark, Captain, no, for the Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which came out last year on Disney Plus. Yes, yes. They edited some of the violence. They took the blood out of certain scenes. I read about this.

I looked into it. Apparently, it was upload. It was like the file was changed out in error. Yeah, they said it back. Yeah, they said that. I don't know. Because this article happened, like some fucking maniac,

good for him, found it. It was like, they changed the blood in Captain, Falcon and Mother Soldier. And then everyone kind of was like, that's insane. And then they're like,

oh, no, we had the wrong file up there for a day. It's back to normal. The wrong file that we paid to have digitally altered. we were caught sorry yeah that show is so fucking milk toast to begin with removing the blood what a crazy concept which is just nuts because and that's where we're going here and i mean like that's kind of actually we're not just on a tangent because i mean like now we even a fucking vampire movie yeah it's just got it has to be totally bloodless in sex i think the vaccine uh where shedding

helps obscure any violence yeah yeah and then and then and then you do you use the snider fucking slowmo to give like a pause of clarity in the middle of this fucking yeah like everybody slow down this is where this person's standing this is where that person standing now will speed it up again it's it's the lunitunes thing at the beginning of a roadrunner cartoon when they're zooming and they're

like bing and it's just like the roadrunner you know what it were roadrunner asperius and then whatever the fucking yeah but then you got that slow mo shot so we can look at the shots so that all those stupid Twitter accounts can like crop and be like just the most beautiful fucking the light

Have you ever seen anything like this? Have you seen the fucking, speaking of that, these apes that are like looking at this like still from the godfather and they're like, this looks like fucking garbage. What the fuck? Why isn't someone turn on a light here? Why is this image expressing the inner life of the character?

The fuck is up with that? Morbius. So he gets arrested. He gets arrested for the murder. of this. Well, it's this weird thing he's trying to leave. And this is when Tyrese is like, oh, by the way, thanks for saving my arm in Afghanistan. And Michael Morbius thanks him for his service. He certainly does. That's kind of funny. What do you think about it, really? And then like, they realized that a nurse has been murdered. The hospital gets locked down. And

there's an action scene where he like escapes through the roof. He beats the shit out of Tyrese and Al Madrigal here and then yeah he like jumps up I guess they're like this office building is at the Guggenheim or something like it just shoots right up circular I work in an atrium it turns out

but then and this is sort of something I want to know for later in the movie yeah Tyrese pulls a gun on Morbi as like I got you and he gives up and then it's like so then you could just shoot this dude so like later when we have this super serum that's going to cause a blood shock that's going to kill both him

and Matt Smith that does kind of cure the suicide cure why I just fucking shoot the dude and also how about just don't run I know they want to inject some more action

but this goes nowhere there's no real action here some people shoot some bullets at him as he's jumping up the Guggenheim stairs but nothing really happens and then once he's in the cell

he's like well maybe I belong there maybe he should have that realization earlier and just went willingly it does feel like a throwback to the time when we were doing superhero movies that were just about what are the powers? Yeah. Let's see all the powers. Because like Matt Smith does not matter as a villain. Do not fucking try to tell me

otherwise. He doesn't. It's honestly it's disappointing. There should be something else going on. You would think we catch day in and day out about like oh man another training this and that blah-bitty-blow but like I'm sorry. When at one point in this movie a subway is coming and Jared Leto is kind of like just sniffing the air and then just

starts flying I guess also on wind I have to see him figuring this out somewhere other than the start of a chase scene like you're right and it's and then he's just flying all over the place like Superman which is crazy right it's nuts. Vampires don't do that

vampires can fly Dracula's well I guess but like that's like Superman see that's the thing yeah vampires need to restrained, elegant, and sexy A.F. Thank you. He's flying kind of like new Batman is flying with the chipmunk suit. Well, yeah, there's no squirrel suit, though. He's just like bouncing all over Manhattan. What would be a cool turn for this movie, which they don't do, which they do in the Marvel universe, which is why he's like so enmeshed with Blade and all these other vampires is the idea, which is a cool idea, is like, no, vampires actually do exist in this world,

but I'm a different kind of vampire because I got mine through scientific powers. And that's a cool kind of a conflict, right? And it's him versus, it's Matt Smith isn't just another Morbius. He's actually a real vampire who's afraid of sunlight and garlic and all this shit. And he's got to do this other stuff. That's why those 70s, that run of Dracula, where he's, him in, like, Blade is fighting, like, actual Dracula. Yeah. And it's just, it's a cool shit of, like, Blade, you know, modern telling of the vampire lore, blah, blah, blah.

and then like here's the historical whatever, that's it's something that makes it interesting. I do wonder like how much the announcement that they were going to do the Blade movie affected this and the script it's well. Like I could imagine them doing

like that would make so much more sense to make this about vampires than about you know two guys who like each other. Two fake vampires two frenemies. Essentially yes. that's kind of it. We are at the moment

where I feel it is the lowest low point of dialogue. Ooh, I know where you're going. I love it. Because Jared Leto is in this jail cell, Tyrese and Madrigalor are like trying to interrogate him about the murder of this nurse. And Leto's like starting to get the DT

shakes and whatnot because he hasn't had his blue milk yet today. And he just goes, I'm getting hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry. I would not fucking believe that fucking line of dialogue. And I guess you'd expect the audience would be like, woo, they did the Hulk thing.

Dead silence in the theater except for me going, what about the weird fat guy in your theater? Did he do anything? Dead silence. And you go, yeah, yeah. No, nothing. Even popcorn guy. Didn't like it.

Honestly, yes, I would like to see you hungry. More vampire stuff would be very nice in this movie other than dicking around. So he goes back to his cell. Matt Smith poses as his lawyer. and he goes inside of his cell and there's this scene where he's just like, oh, Michael, we'll get you out of you one way or another.

I know you're not capable of killing that woman. Oh, don't quote the notebook at me. Oh, the notebook show. Here's a bag of blood and I'm going to walk away like Kaiser's so sad. Oh, yeah. Because you see him like, you know, leave or whatever and he's like, we'll get you out of here, don't worry.

And then like, yeah, Leno notices that like Matt Smith has left his cane behind and you see you see a shot of his tennis shoe uh you know wearing feet straightened out and then he's just fucking dancing all right mr myler one cigarette lighter gold one prophylactic used oh actually not used for this character did you see the vampire the vampire zombie did you see him which way did he go it is such a deliberate comes through we're just doing the end of usual

suspects in the middle of this movie yeah sure why not dude it works oh man oh yeah oh but if they had

if they had gone the vampire out Brian singer as the king of the vampire true to life that dude's heart he's a real vampire

the but also like so like this is he's in like some super prison everyone's got like body armor and guns

and like oh yeah it's the fucking jail from face off dude where are the magnet boots instead of Arkham we have

the men detention center, that's what it says. Is that where they got Emstein? He does I think you're right actually. Matt Smith actually has a weird line. I'm like, oh, you don't belong in here, Michael. This place is for terrorists and

drug deals. I think it's actually, it's terrorists and drug lords. And I was like, what is going on in this New York? But also like, so like everyone's like, they're like, time's up. Get out of their other guy. Is it? Yes, I'll be right there. Huge bag of blood. I'd be like, sir, you drop your enormous bag of blood. By the way, we definitely

frisked you on the way in. Yeah, totally. Oh, that? Oh, that's not mine. Did he hide it like on his willie or something? Yeah, probably. Oh, that's... Alley Wacker. It's Sally Wacker. It's a trick bag. It's a Hawaiian punch in there. I just wanted to give him a nice treat. Just wrap this bag of blood around my schlong. Yes, but then it would have been great, actually, if Letto drop the bag of blood, like usual suspects and he pieces it together because he's like but Kane he took the other serum and he drinks the blood he gets really mad

and flies out of his cell and now Morbius is out into the middle of the night and he's yeah he's like jumping around the rooftops and whatnot and this is like oh this is where Matt Smith just kills this newsy yeah like this guy who's like the last newsie in New York

the daily bugle everyone oh wow that's right Spider-Man worked Oh, my God, there's my own a spider game. I don't know. James is going to be that one pictures of Spider-Nus.

Clever headlines. My God, who cares? There was, I mean, man, I got to tell you, even in that

Dollas Donkey Dick Internals movie, there was chittering in the theater. Of course. There was just nothing watching this movie. Dead silence.

Some snickers at the wrong time. Oh, sure. The wrong time, which was totally the right time, by the way. But it's a daily bugle like Michael Morbius got to get him and this guy's like, ah yeah, finally put that creep down and he's like, well don't you love him?

He created artificial blood and saved millions of us like, yeah, well look at that fucking weirdo those weird legs or whatever he says. And I think he says, well, he killed that nurse. And then he's, this is what like activates Matt Smith to be like, oh, you think he killed that nurse. Well, what if I told you I killed that nurse? And then

again, he attacks this guy and we do not fucking. can see it. We don't see it. We hear Jared Leto hearing him scream through his weird mushroom ears. I want to see like that fat newsy being drained of his blood behind like a garbage can some little kid sees it walking by. I'm like

Bobby, no. It would have been like you know what? It's set in Manhattan. Here's what you do. You're making this movie pass it through the aesthetic filter of American Psycho. Yeah. Give this movie that kind of a vibe. A better Jared Leto movie. Yeah. Oh right.

If he's fucking around with that newsy Dude, yeah, there's your alleyway scene. You could see it getting done. Yeah. But you can't not make movies for babies. Yeah, you can't dump that on Disney Plus. That should piss people off. Or crackle, I guess. They haven't problems with the stupid fucking movie

where the fucking girl gets her period and turns into a panda. Pardon me? Turning red. Wait, wait, wait, she bleeds. No, it's a metaphor. It's about puberty. Yes.

Okay. And then everyone's like really like, I don't think my child should know about puberty. And it's like, well, they're going to. It's like, oh, wait, not up to you. This is how you lead to fascism is the parentification of everything. Sure. Everything is through the lens of what about the children?

Let go with your pearls, you fucking idiots. Not even what about the children. What about your imaginary version of the children? Exactly. And then everything turns it to grooming in quotation, Mark. Oh, what? Yeah, okay. I'm sure all these kids are going to turn out great with all this fucking

abstinence only. Don't look at the real world. Everything's fucking Marvel. The cool thing is there's never going to be a gay kid in Florida ever again. That's awesome. That's true. They solved that problem. Cured. Oh man. Speaking of problems, the subway fight scene that we have here. And this is where I turned to you in the theater, Stephen. I was like, where did they film this movie? Because this

does not look like... It's the tube. It's London. It's very clearly London. Right? I was like this little tube-esque for this New York subway scene. It's a good A train, though. They got the real A train, sure. And they got like the, you know, the font that we have and the black and white text and whatnot. Like, I get it, but good God.

Yeah, I did think it looked really off. And what would it said front street? Front Street. Yeah. But they're, you know, this is when they're having, you know, and it's a very boring conflict, which is just like, you have to accept what we are, Michael. We're fucking vampires.

Yeah. No, I never want to hurt anybody. and then they kind of fight each other. And then again, Matt Smith kills like seven cops, which would be cool if there was any blood or something. Yep. Just nothing.

And again, like, I just, I think the character design, like it's kind of weird the way, like I like the character design, but the implementation is wrong. It's kind of like watching two, what do you call it, animatics fight each other.

Because like, this is what it should look, this is what it will look like, but it looks much better in the movie. Yeah, yeah, no, no, it's the movie. It's the first. draft. Yeah, exactly. Not good. And they fight each other and this is the train part where he flies away and you're like, what? He's just flying in front of that train

I don't understand it. Just prior to that, we do see some cops get killed. At least we show that. I know, even though it's bloodless as well, it's like, owie, I fall down. But he just kind of beats him up sort of like really bad grade F matrix fighting. What is the like super teleporting power? Is that a thing in the comics? I guess he's going so fast. I guess. Is that what it? It's when you're playing a video game and you're moving along and you hit forward twice really fast

and just kind of darts a little bit. Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. We do get some fucking honest or goodness bullet time as well. I was shocked to dust it that one off. Jesus Christ, what are we even thinking? And then we remember that there's a woman in this movie. Like, oh, I guess we should give her something to do so that he has coffee with her

and he kind of explains, like, I didn't kill the nurse. He killed the nurse. And then now this counterfeiting C plot. Well, so this is just because I told you, Eric, that we would get to it. This is where they're sitting at the diner and she goes to, like, hold his hand and his hand goes in front of a ray of sunlight. And she's like, oh, sorry. And he goes, no, it's all right. Not that kind of vampire.

Oh, suck it. This is one of the worst scripts of the year. Yeah, the interesting kind of vampire. Yeah, no, no, it's not like all the cool rules that they have. No. But this counterfeiting thing. It is. Who cares?

Who cares? It's just like big. It's also he can, it's, the whole thing exists so that he can set up another lab because he can't go back to the big corporate lab. Another lab in what looks like mostly like a graphic design office. It's, and also like you can't just re-rig a printing press to turn into a blood fucking thing. Well, no, because we are told in the beginning and in Greece, we see that he's McGiver. Oh, of course.

Because he, MacGyver is what they're using to make a centrifuge. And you did it with a bald point pen. Yes. Michael, remember I'm in this movie, Jared Harris. It's so funny. He hears these dudes walk up to the counter and there's a woman working at the counter and they're like, hey, can you break this for us or whatever? And she does the little pen and she's like, sorry, this is fake.

And he's like, oh, why don't you try this one? And while you're at it, take this one for yourself. Like just trying to pass these bad hondos and his ears sort of prick up. And he just follows these two dudes. And yes, weird graphic design. sign office. They're like watching TV while making shit here, making their fake bills. And he comes in all

like cool as shit. Like you know, I'm going to, you guys can keep all the money. I'm just going to keep the equipment and you're going to get the fuck out of here. And then it's like there's 26 bones in your hand. He's breaking them or whatever. And he also says, finally the stinky pinky. Oh, wow.

Another dudline because he's like, I want your whole printing press. Leave the bag of spicy cheetahs. Oh, right. Morbius gets down with spicy cheetahs. Yeah, and you know what, man. Isn't this fun, kids? We're all bumming that Bruce Willis has to retire,

but dude, with quips like this? Yes, yeah. You know, we'll still have quips in the world. Thank you, Jared Leto. What a hilarious, dirty, fucking spicy Cheetos line. But that's the, that's the disgusting thing. If you just know, Jared Lettos never had a spicy Cheetos. Oh, of course.

Oh, no, totally. Not once. No, totally. But the other thing, too. Do Cheetos come in cucumber? Then he might be into it. You know what, dude, if they do, I don't want to fucking know about it.

This is why Oscar Isaac is better at Moon Night because there's that photo of him eating Cheetos. Oh, with the chopsticks. With chopsticks, which I've done since, and it is a delight. Wonderful. Oh, my God. That's a fucking, that is what the phrase life hack was invented for. Exactly.

Because that's a life hack and a half. Because honestly, I went to, I saw Ad Astra and I got the one and only time I ever got this flaming hot popcorn. It was a Flamin Hot Cheetos popcorn. They don't even allow that up by you. I got the third base with the Easter Bunny. afterwards. My hands were not I had to really figure something out.

Dude, I don't think I've ever actually had a spicy chito. I've had the spicy tachitos or the tachis. Got it. I like the spicy cheetos. I thought, listen, not to get too gross, but like this movie isn't gross, so we got to have gross somewhere. I thought my asshole was going to fall out of my body. Sure. With these spicy tachis, dude, this is toxic food we're putting in our bodies here. The one line that is actually, it's in the newer trailers,

but actually is not in this movie. Uh-huh. He says it to this guy who's breaking his hand. He's like, the guy's like, who are you, man? And he's like, I'm Venom. And then he says, no, Michael Morbius, how are you doing? That's in the trailer. That's not in this movie.

No. It's really, at which I'm glad it's terrible in the trailer, but it's also like, what, though? I mean, if that wasn't in the movie, that's a real, like, please remember this is a whole universe. We're really trying to glue something together. We're working on it, folks, okay? Al Madrigal does have a line

when he sees the ship with all the blood in it. He's like, oh, man, I haven't seen anything this bad since whatever. That stuff that happened in San Francisco. The one with the venom and the red venom. Oh, right. I was like, what is that? I was like, Godzilla? What's happening?

Both of those venom movies are our Bay Area set? Because I only saw the first one. The first, the second one, I also saw, I couldn't tell you a look about it and it was terrible. At least that's my memory. It's not very good. But is Al Madrigal like a cop there? No, he's not. I don't believe so. They just

want to just say something I read on the news. I don't know. Whatever. But so he takes over this printing press and now the cops go into Martín's apartment and literally like they go in this apartment and looking for somebody. I'm like, who are they looking for it? You realize it's Martin and I'm like

oh yeah, because she's not a character. We've never seen this apartment before. Nope. Nope. Nope. What you need to do if someone breaks into it, right? Yeah, that would be nice. But the funniest thing is they just go in and they're like, well, she's not here. And like, Madrigal's shaking this litter box. I guess, you know, like how you have like pan for gold. You know, he's like, well, no turds in here.

So the cat hasn't been here in a while. He starts eating it. Nothing. It's dry. It's clean. It's clean. And then it cuts to her with the cat and Morbius in what looks like an art. installation. There's like these

lights in grass and fucking like, did you everybody remember this season? I mean, I guess this is what he did to the printing press place. He just turned it into like a... He spruced it up a little bit. I think so. I just brought, I put a bunch of trees in here and dirt. What a weird thing to do for your hideout.

And she cuts herself on a cat food lid booth. That's a bad cut by the way. That's a been there. Oh, really? Yeah. It's just because those those cans can just go right through. There's a little like pole top. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think I've ever cut myself in one of those, but I hope to one day. It's a bleeder dude.

But so, like, she starts bleeding and then Morby's like, oh, this is like the only time this movie is like, maybe a sexy woman and a sexy dude and a vampire movie. No. Something could, no. Stop. Wouldn't you think of the kids? A movie like that should be illegal in Florida.

And they just kiss. They just barely. You know what? It better be their wedding day. It's a Barbie and Kendall being, having their heads smashed together by a five-year-old child. It's, it is the most...

It's like, the most unsexy, emotionless kiss. It looks like she even kind of like hesitates for a second to put her mouth on his. Yeah, sure, let her, though, that's why. Yeah, because this movie is about being bisexual.

This movie kind of being about being more fucking. Oh, yeah, because a lot of it, I mean, even when... Because in the next scene, it's like, oh, no. The blue and red shit that they're always talking about. Matt Smith is straight. everybody and he's just like dancing I mean I know Matt is straight or whatever maybe he's not

but like the character Lucian Milo is not straight and so much to Chris's point like the thing is like later on in the movie even Jared Harris like you have to accept yourself and I'm like I know what that means Wait so is the character in the comics Is that a character in the comics and is he

He apparently is He apparently is but this movie like They're just like in love with each of That's very true yeah And if so if that is true And it's fine to make a movie about that I need more fucking hot gerletto chest. Sure.

I need Matt Smith chest. I need something here. Gay vampires could be hot as fuck. They could be hot as fuck together. And that would be an interesting avenue to go there. A little movie called interview with the vampire. Yes, exactly. All you get of that is that is this fucking horrid bar scene with Matt Smith and this girl

that he buys a drink for with these two like, like soccer hooligans. No, they are finance bros. Oh, yeah, because they make a point later. like Wall Street bros who were killed in the parking line. Yep, totally. We are, uh, yeah, you all watch Joker, right? Yeah, he's like Joker. This, I mean, this whole thing, it's like

it was kind of, it was interesting enough to start out with this bar thing. Okay, this, this is interesting, where are we going with this? Oh, he's they're, they're insulting him. There's going to be a big fight. Oh, no, no, he's, oh, he's leaving now. Oh, it's going to be a nothing fight in the parking lot. That's going to be barely visible later. Okay, cool. all you get is like you see the dudes like leaving the bar you know hours later they're all wasted and like Matt Smith is up high somewhere and you just it's like POV dropping down on those dudes and then the only time you actually see it is when Tyrese is reviewing security camera footage a bar fight you wouldn't even let you tease the bar fight you wouldn't even give me a bar fight like a vampire bar fight like some guys like come on do something he like literally punches his head off and it's like holy shit that's not awesome it would be

be super cool but be a movie alas get like a collateral scene like a strobe light and it's in the middle of the crowd that's easy work you could get stunt people to do that you could take out this whole club and it could be sort of like a blade movie in a way yeah you know and then it's like oh man 50 dead at the fucking exactly whatever and vampire on the loose oh and you know what you can you do that you come home with the donna logg yep you come home and he can take care of all of your stuff at home. Oh, I thought you meant that Milo's now played by Donald Lowe because he's gained so much pounds from drinking the entire clubs were the blood. Dude, we were just, we were, we were referencing Lost Highway the other day. And I feel like

if this movie, like, Matt Smith was just like, oh, my stomach and like doubled over. And then when he sat back up, it was just fucking Donald Logue. Yeah. Why not? Yeah, it's a movie. But so now everyone's like, oh, now there's two vampires on the loose. And this is when Morbius defines his ill again like we don't think that these guys are invincible because they haven't been he's like the only way to kill him is this crazy serum I can cock that's going to kill him and it's also going to kill me just like no you can't kill yourself because I don't know we kiss that time I guess and fucking in a goddamn the MCU one thing everybody gets a cool name sure I like all that shit what what do they call Matt Smith the vampire murderer

man that sounds like what you'd call Van Helsing I'm like what no the character's name apparently that he was supposed to sort of be based on even though like that they changed everything about him was Lucian something slash hunger that was his like kind of vampire which is kind of a cool name

why wouldn't you just do it call him hunger why would you change it I'm hunger now all I do is hunger like yeah that can do that you totally do it I just wrote that line that's it that's it yeah instead the villain of this movie Milo I don't know

That sounds interesting Better Scrabble Ah yes Famed dangerous villain Milo So Jared Leto Jared Harris

Too many Jared Was watching TV And realizes Matt Smith's a vampire He goes to him And he also remembers That he's in that movie You got like 14 texts Like dude

You're supposed to be in Morbius right now Oh shit Fuck I He's like watching a football match Fuck fuck I'm in Morbius When he fucking shows up, dude, at the apartment, I was like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you're in this movie. You have not seen him for an hour. Oh, yeah. And then this is pretty sparse dialogue for him to say, I've devoted my life to you. And then Matt Smith's something like, oh, but now you're repulsed by me. So I'm going to scrape your tummy with my cocaine fingernails. That's it. And, like, oh, my, Morbius was always daddy's favorite.

It's like, well, I don't know. I've asked you many times not to call me daddy. It's a little weird. And you're kind of proving my point at this point. Yes. I mean, look where we are. Yes. I mean, he's not actively murdering people.

So, way, I think I bet the right horse there. Backed him well. So he stabs him in the tummy, like Eric said. And there's just black slot. It's like Venom got him. Like, it's like black splotches all over his stomach. It's so bad. Like, just put blood in this movie.

God damn. And you think, I mean, the way this scene works. works because Morbius gets called by Jared Harris. He has to fly, because again, Jared has to not have a name in this movie, has to fly and try and save him. The last lines of Jared Harris need to

mean something, which is something like oh, you thought your dad was this guy, but it's this guy. Or, you know, like, when you were in the orphanage. You know, like, something. You have truly become sinister. That would be something. But he's just like,

you've got to get my life. And I'm like, yeah, I got that one, dude. Figured that one out all by myself. I could not even believe. Like, that's pretty much the last line. And he croaks and you're just like, what were you in this for, man? Money, money, money, money. Bathroom retiling, seriously.

So at some point around here, like, Milo has gone to Martine and was like, hey, do you know where Morbius is? Milo, Martin, and Morbius, by the way, this is one of the worst fucking screenplays in a while. Yeah. So, and she's like, no, I wouldn't lie to you, Milo. I don't know where he is. And he's like, okay. And then like basically like kidnaps her, puts her on this roof thing. There's been a clock on this lady's head for the kidnapping. You know when the third act is coming at Alamo when they give you a check. You know when the third act is coming in this movie when she gets kidnapped. And like, so he sort of like attacks her, injures her in some way that she starts screaming. So then like his bat hearing, he starts like flying to save her. whatever. And now that Morbius is like fully like at peace with himself and ready to go and fight Matt Smith, he finally has a purple cloak. Yeah. When it's been orange and all other kinds of shit before. And he's finally reconciling the blue artificial blood and the real red blood into purple. Oh. Cemiotics do that like that. And now just like the stalked by my doctor movies, he's got a syringe that he hopes to get people with. Deadly syringe. And he's going to eventually

do it to himself or whatever he tells martin that it's like it's out you know i brought this into the world it's up to me to take it out and then we kind of move towards our fucking big well he nothing fun because we watched we watched the movie played before this so he bites her uh at he feeds on her to get enough strength

to kill milo but then also drops a bit of his blood in her mouth though but I think he does it by accident or maybe he doesn't I don't know is she becoming a vampire but that she does wow she wakes up like from the dead That's kind of the end of the movie.

She's got, like, fucked up eyes and whatnot. I think I might have been looking at my phone taking notes. She's going to become the next bat tender at his house. But then, yeah, I mean, like, this is the big fight that. It happens in a sewer. And you know what, it happens in a, what am I looking at? It happens. I mean, and this reminds me very much, Eric, because you know, maybe Chrissy saw this too.

Venom v. Carnage was a totally undecipherable fight. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's just, and this is. very the same thing. Well, it's very goopy. It's very all over the place and people are tumbling. And Venom and Carnage did the same thing where they occasionally just freeze frame it.

And you get some sense of where the action is supposed to be. Unbelievable. And then it goes back to it. And that's what this fight is. It takes fucking 10 minutes barely. And then like, yeah, they find themselves in some basement. Morbius is kind of wounded from whatever happened in the middle of this fight.

They sort of like fall through a bunch of layers of like construction. scaffolding and gravel and concrete they blow through the Ninja Turtles house at one point. Holy shit, those look like fake vampire. They took all pizza

with him. And then he's like kind of Morbius is sort of like down for the count. I guess yeah, because he got like totally body slammed or whatever and he puts his hand like in some water and something something he calls this army of bats

which. Okay. Yeah. And then like once Matt Smith gets like down for the, oh, because the bats, he harnesses the bats and throws them at Matt Smith. And then he stabs him in a stake through the heart, but the syringe. Uh-huh. Yeah. And then there's this dialogue where Milo's like, you can't kill me, Mr. Mr. Morbis, remember the good times. Remember when you saved me from those Greek children beating me up. Oh, wait, you had gone after your fancy prep school by then. Look inside your heart, Jared Lennel. Look inside your heart. But he even says, like, you gave me my name. Remember, you're the one that said Milo and kind of ruined my life, actually. I had enough problems with the blood disease.

Now everyone calls me fucking Milo. I still don't understand why he would do that. And when he dies, Jared Lernery's like, goodbye, Lucian. It's like, oh, wow, cool, not really. And at that moment, since I still was just not understanding it, I was like, so Milo's been the last name. I don't know what's going on. Also, though, one of the funnier parts of the movie, we both

had a big belly laugh at this. When the wave of bats is like running into Matt Smith and they're like biting him and shit and he's screaming, that is some hilarious stuff. He's, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, that's fucking great. I wish there had been

like a flashback to Morbius's parents dying and like necklace of rubies just being ripped from mother's neck. But yeah, I mean, that's the fight. And then, like, you see Martine wake up. And Jared Leto's, like, kind of looking at the camera, like, what else you want from me?

And then the credits hit. Yes. And that's the movie. And that's when I was like, is that fucking it? I screamed it in the theater. Where is Michael? What happened with Michael King? Oh, well, here he is.

We talked about it earlier. Yes. It's just, it's astonishing. Like, who could want this movie, A, in this format, A, at all. like be in this format again like the point of a vampire there's got to be blood there's got to be sex there's got to be something yeah and also the trailer made you think michael keaton was going to be part at least like it's somehow inter what like very clearly that's what they were telling you in the trailer yeah so for sure yeah i mean he could have partnered with milo or something

initially and then we could have gotten a you know like that that way you can have like milo was better than he is in this movie and he was kind of helped he was kind of corrupted a little bit? Right. Jared Harris has to take care of Milo on the go, so he needs vultures a flying pack to go and make sure and wipe his ass as he fights and eats people. I need wings to wipe Master Milo's ass. But it's sort of astonishing, though. This has never happened, because obviously there's nothing in this movie that would attract fans. They use the stinger in the trailer, which is insane. And then like, so like you sit, and I think that's why everyone in my theater, our theater

at the very least, was like, oh, so that's the stinger? Like, the whole movie that, like, I kind of expected is only a stinger? Yep. It's wild. I think this is the first that that's ever happened. It's a, I mean, it's usually the stingers kept under wraps, like the whole point. Of course, it's

like, oh, what's the fucking point of them? I mean, they're stupid anyway, but it's usually the point. Absolutely. Like, if you had, like, the winter soldier in that back to tank in Wakanda as the trailer for that fucking movie. Yeah, totally. I mean, this is truly, truly a new low.

Yeah. For this shit. It is truly a new low. And on that note, that is the fucking end of this total cinematic duktastrophe. Final thoughts. We'll save Steve for last because he's our Marvel guy. Go to Eric Sisko. All right.

Morbius. Wish it was lesbius. That's my entire review. I would not recommend it. This movie is not good. Excellent. Chris Cavan. I said it when a big no, of course, right up front. Absolutely do not see this movie. But I was texting you guys last night. I am like, it is already gone. Whatever. I was watching all the purple wisps falling out of your body as we were talking about the movie. It just was, at the minute we got done, I was like, oh, this thing's leaving quick. It's not a movie. This is not staying around at all. No room at the end for this plot. I really have to like, I was like, thank God I took. fucking notes because this really is going to just be gone immediately.

Like there's nothing here. Nothing here at all. Yeah. No, I'm not going to say anything new. I think, you know, this movie, I don't know, it's kind of like a big pile of guano, wouldn't you say? Nice. Grano. A source of nitrate. It's just a waste of time, man. I mean, I just I really wish they would

stick to characters that people know. People know that people like that. And also, you know what that would less movies because there's less of those characters. Because when you start to scrape the bottom of the barrel like this you're going to get shit like this where the actor doesn't care where the director doesn't care

where nobody cares and like when you ask people why they made this movie like I don't know you know what I mean like and that's kind of what it is like everybody just sort of is standing around like Matt Smith I guess tried I think the the girl who's what her name Oh Martin who played Martin the actresses played Martin is trying

you know what I mean and that's it Everybody else doesn't give a shit. Everybody else is just sort of holding water for the next thing. And the next thing's never going to happen. There's never, you think you're going to see fucking Jared Letto as Michael fucking Morbius again? I will eat my fucking half. Whenever the next blink happens,

he'll die first. If they do a Sinister Six movie and get, you know, they get Keaton in there and maybe they rounded out with some big names, I could see them throwing him in. Yeah, I guess so. I will see that Sinister Six movie when I see the Flash movie. movie. It's just, I don't think it's happening. I really don't.

That's, yeah, I mean, well, the Flash movie only come out if Ezra Miller gets out of fucking jail. Right. Can that dude stop getting arrested? No. The answer to that is no. Did they film that movie at all yet? It seems like they did. It was supposed to come out this year-ish. And then they were like, nah. One of the 73 directors that have been attached to it had to directed. Oh, you all, Ezra Miller kept insulting every one of them. So, Andrea Arjona She's got some like energy Like you know but pretty magnetic

But that's it yep That is totally it And that is it for this conversation About Daniel Espinosa's Morbius Ladies and gentlemen If you want more we hate movies Of course check out Patreon.com Slash we hate movies

We got a really fun time WLM out this month On the last action hero motion picture Tons of fun We recently just put up a A sinkable commentary Harry track to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which is

a lot of fun conversation and taking the wind out of that piece of shit transphob, J.K. Rowley. We're going to have a once in a lifetime on Stocked by my doctor A. P. Patience Revenge, aka for Stephen, stopped by my doctor three. Thank you. Thank you.

That's right. Now we've done all, not all three. My God, bite my tongue. I hope there's 70 of these things. There's two more of them. We've done. This will be our third episode on the Stock by My Doctor franchise and you can check out all those past episodes because when you unlock content on Patreon

it's not just this month's offering gang it's everything we've ever done and for you Morbius heads out there we will be reviewing the Spider-Man episode where Morbius is introduced with and I don't want to spoil it for Eric and Chris because it's really wild with on animation damnation

there it is that's the name of the program yeah thank you so all that more over on the Patreon and of course here on the main feed the show does continue next Tuesday a brand spanking new episode what do we be offering up then Steve you know a little treat for all you folks you had to sit through Morbius this

week we're going back to Arnold Town and one of his most insane movies it's Junior Oh Danny you're gonna get wet Donnie get that out of me This is of course the live show that we did last year The Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina

It was a ton of fun and I think you guys were have a lot of fun listening to us. And if you like live shows, we are on, we're on the road this month in Boston, Washington, D.C. and Philadelphia at the end of the month. Check that out in WHMpodcast.com slash door. That's right. So until next week with Arnold having a baby. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeach. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.

That was a hit-gum. Thank you.