We Hate Movies - S12 Ep604: Junior (Live in Asheville)

Episode Date: April 12, 2022

Recorded 11.19.21 at the historic Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina On this week's episode, the guys are live in Asheville, NC chatting about the outrageous Arnold & Danny "family" comedy, Junior! Why is Danny DeVito's fertility clinic simply named "The Fertility Clinic"? Is Arnold reading medical dialogue off of clipboards? Why is this ex-wife just popping in like Kramer? What business is this of Frank Langella's at all? And have two actors had less chemistry together than Arnold and Emma? PLUS: Danny DeVito produces and stars in a series of JOI videos!  Junior stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, Emma Thompson, Frank Langella, Pamela Reed, Aida Turturro, James Eckhouse, and Christopher Meloni; directed by Ivan Reitman.  Catch the guys later this month when they play Boston, D.C., and Philly! Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Bhophe. I'm going to be able to be. We're going to be. We're going to be. Oh! How are you? Asheville, North Carolina. What is happening?

Oh, oh my word. Oh my goodness. Let me take this seat. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. You got to get off your feet, Arnold. You're pregnant now. You can't go on planes.

You can't go to work anymore. Put down all that soft cheese you're eating. Oh, no, the mercury and the fish, Arnold. You can't. eat that? Oh, fuck. Hey, Asheville, how are y'all doing this evening? All right.

Very, very cool to see so many of you out here tonight. Thanks for coming out. Thank you for doing your part to save humanity, getting fucking vaccinated. Well done. Give yourselves a round of applause there. Thank you so much. Woo.

Yes, but we don't know. It might make us pregnant. Oh, you were looking for a COVID booster. I accidentally knocked you up, sir. I'm sorry about that. No, I wanted the, yeah, I wanted the Pfizer. I didn't want the cum needle. No, yes.

Abergast made this? Oh, yeah, we're going to be pregnant. One in one thousand makes you pregnant with Arnold Schwarzenegger's baby. That's pretty okay. I would be getting boosters nonstop there. Oh, totally. Dude, you're like a fucking gambling fiend

buying scratch off lotto tickets. Maybe the next one. Maybe the next one. Maybe the next one. Because I could have my little muscle baby. If you told everybody that they were going to get pregnant by Arnold Schwarzenegger if they got the vaccine, they might take it up. Danny DeVito, less so maybe.

Well, are you going to do something? Oh, no, just the baby wound up looking like me, which you don't want. Oh. I mean, he's short, I'm short. You get it. You're much more attractive than Danny DeVito, though. Oh, wow. I'll take some pity claps.

I'll take pity every thing. this is really cool to be on the road again it's been nice shaking the dust off as it were I think we're in good shape for this evening though so why don't we say we give it a try how does that sound all right three two my name is Andrew Jupin I'm Chris Cabin Eric Siska Steven Sadat and we are we hate movies from New York City

thanks so much for coming out tonight it is great to be here in this great ass city that I've been to a couple of times. It's very cool to be back playing here for you all. A question, though, how many of you all are familiar with the show we run on the internet? All right.

Apologies. Yeah, apologies in advance. Who is at the show last night, anybody? Oh, apologies double for you all. Don't raise your hand that's not going to show up on the audio feed. Rear. I'm just, you know.

What if it did, though? That'd be cool. Listeners at home, there were about five or six. Maybe. For those of you who do not know who we are, if you haven't seen this before, if you're here on a bad first date, it will probably be your last date with this person. Sorry.

This one, yeah. We are a comedy show from New York City where we use a movie such as Ivan Reitman's Jr. As a jumping off point for profane disgusting, and every once in a blue moon, insightful conversation. I've really underlined the profane and disgusting for this one. Yeah.

Not so much on the insight. I don't know much. No, but I've heard what Eric's been cooking up backstage. Oh, yeah, yeah. I kind of wish this was like a ninja movie. That'd be fun, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, there's all these ninjas.

I have to break their necks. Oh, it has to be some white guy karate. Oh, no, all these ninjas keep being birthed out of my party. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Ninja Baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah, I mean, we can't be making them boss babies anymore, so maybe it's Ninja Baby. Ninja Baby.

Uh, here's a question. Is this both the worst movie for Ivan Reitman and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Ooh. Yeah. Ivan wrong man for this one. No, I think he was the right man to do this fucking tripe, dude. Come on. My super ex-girlfriend, yes.

That's better than this movie. I think so. I don't know, dude. Because I'll tell you right now, ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you right now. Two words, Uma Thurman. Yeah. There we go. There it is.

That's all. That's all. So that's better, so you're wrong there, Chris. Come on, Pamela Reed? Come on. I'll give you two words for this movie, though. Expect taint. That's the name of the drug. So, Eric, so you're already out on the pharmaceutical end of this.

If you wanted to really quickly, so this one, we've got to give it over to you, really distill to its core essence what this movie, Jr., from 1994, directed by Ivan Reitman is all about. How would you pitch it? Danny DeVito sizes up. Arnold and thinks he can put a baby

in them. And then they because they were also putting babies and monkeys and now they're going to put one in him. Yeah, that's accurate. And find a little love along the way. Thompson's there for some reason. She's got an egg cart

she's riding around for some reason. The dairy section she calls it. She stores eggs in it, which we all know as female come. Yes. We don't know that. It's the one. I don't know that. That's news to me.

They mix together. And it's the beauty of life. All of us, Chris. This is why homeschool is terrible. Well, no, me and Eric are the only two that remember sex said, it seems. I love that the movie starts off with, we're battling the very, very real issue of monkey miscarriages. We're very concerned about that. America's zoos are.

hurting. I mean, after it's on the cover of Time magazine, what can you do? I thought you were going to say, I thought you were going to say, Steve, you liked the fact that this movie starts exactly like Ghostbusters in a basement of a library. It does. No human being

would stack books like this. It must be a baby. These babies are stacking books. Oh, my God, look at that floating ghost over there. It must be a baby ghost. Also like that, I said, babies aren't human beings. that kind of aren't, right? You've got to be 18

and older. I think I think what, so Arnold finds this baby, you know, it's like this very long tracking shot of like a lot of people in the library and Arnold is, he's wearing glasses, so he obviously reads a lot of books that he's a doctor. You know, Ivan, I'm playing a scientist and I think

that you sell it better, I should wear some glasses. What do you think about that? Yeah, sure, dude. Yeah, that's a great idea, Arnold, 200, 300, 400, you know, Ivan, I am so thankful this is a third collaboration about films revolving

around being a parent in some way. 600, 700, 800. Yeah, it's fantastic, Arnold. I love working within 900. You know, Ivan, it can be so lonely sometimes in Hollywood. It's nice to have a collaborator like you alongside me. And that is 1500. What'd you say?

I do. So he finds this baby and he's like, oh my, he's like, oh, ah! And you know, the baby's peeing. If it was me and I found, if I found a baby in a library, I would be like, babies over there? I've got to find someone else to take care of that.

Oh, that's a bad situation. Here's the thing. I'm not picking up this baby. No, absolutely not. Nothing, dude. I am going straight to the front desk. Hey, great library you have here. One problem, a lot of missing babies. There's a stray one down in the basement you might want to look at. We got a sting going on.

Leave a baby alone in the basement of a library and see what sicko's come and pick them up. No, it's leave a baby, take a baby. You know, you just have it in a tray. Oh, sure. Also, like, I could have done without the urine gag. Well, that's, you, no, you can't do without it

because it's a fucking 90s man. It's like, ah, the baby peed! Oh, this baby is broken. I need another one. It's leaking. Yeah, hi. We went to see Junior last night, and I was promised that Arnold be peed on by a baby,

and it didn't happen. I'd like my money back. That's actually fair, because, like, people love when babies, like, puke, and shit. Yeah, absolutely. You know? And all tough guys act like

it's unomorph blood. They're like, oh, so in the movie, Jr. It's a nightmare. He wakes up. He wakes up.

He wakes up. It's like, oh, wow, what's a strange nightmare. But wait, before the wake-up, though, the thing that really lets you know, like the button on this dream sequence is not the getting peed on. It's he turns and he's like, what's that noise?

And it's like a screening room full of babies. It's like 30 babies in this library basement. Ew. Now I want to see like Arnold birthing 30 babies or something, you know? He's not a fucking dog, dude. He's built strong like one. Let me tell you, after watching this movie, one was enough. Sorry, Arnold, you got quidplets.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's water has burst. The city is flooded. Well, I love that he wakes up. So, you know, he's a world-renowned scientist of some such thing, built like a brick shit house. And he's like, wow, what's a scary three? let me do my light calisthenics for the morning

and he goes like Wow, that's how he's in such great shape Yeah, he just let you do five at these I think it was a thing where he was like You know me and President Clinton Have this thing going about the presidential Physical Fitness Test Maybe I can work some calisthenics into every movie I'm in

And yeah he goes to his monkey lab And like it's kind of amazing Like I think Arnold is a lot of fun But Yeah When he has to do it. do like this, because he's like a big deal scientist. He has to be like, well, the ladies have the sexual organs.

Like, anytime he has to like do sexual, like actual scientific talk, it's just like, let me read this really quickly to you, everyone. All I have to do now is freeze my wife until I find a cure for her disease. I'm just cooling my heels here in Julia. Important detail to point out, not the last time Arnold technically played a scientist. Freeze's maternity specialists. Yeah. Yeah, that's one person clapping for Mr. Freeze.

That's right. Why would they clap you? You weren't did it? I'm sure Mr. Freeze also froze some eggs, too. Just like freezing a lady, right? My beloved Nora, someday you'll come out of this weird ice coma and we'll procreate! Well, I had to do it before the accident because all of my semen freezes. It comes out as an ice cube, really.

Oh, ow. Ooh. That's nice. Like frozen kidney stones. Hold on I'm about to. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm getting a cube job. By the way, the shot of all the babies in the screening parlor

might give you an idea of what Ivan Reitman thinks of his audience. Yeah, you're all a bunch of stupid babies. That's what he thinks. Stupid babies, want to watch me do shit? Sure. So, yeah. Oh, well, I was going to say that Steve, the thing about him, doing the science stuff, they're very

they think they're sly, but they're not sly at all, where it's like he'll have a clipboard when he's saying this science shit. Or there's like a book that he's looking at during a presentation, and you know the script is just taped in there. And he has to shut down like every other part of his body. Like, he remembers things

and he can walk and he says, alright, they have to shut down the parts that feels things on my nerve endings have to be shut down, thank you. I am no longer a learning computer. Artled cut. Women do not create knives and stabbing weapons as a T-1000.

It'd be a lot cooler if they did. So we also, of course, meet Danny DeVito who's in this movie, and he works at a place that the sign literally just says, the fertility clinic. Okay. I mean, that's good

for a search engine. I don't know about bringing customers in. It's a little chic. It's like, the coffee house. you know what I mean? Yeah, hey, Arnold, I own the hippest fertility clinic in all of San Francisco. We put it in an abandoned warehouse. Here's your baby. You want room for milk?

And then Justin Timberlake comes in. It's like, drop the thee. Fertility Clinic is just cleaner. Just call it Fertilla. And this like establishing shot of the fertility clinic is the first time you really get this James Newton-Howard score that's bouncing around. And all I can think of is he was hired to do the score for some Christmas movie and got fired.

And then Ivan Reitman hired him for this and he was like, say, I have, because it's like, there's actual jingle bells going on. It should be snowing on Danny DeVito during this movie. Well, it was, it was, it's a Thanksgiving movie, technically, even though it shows, like, nobody's caught in a turkey, which you would want. Someone's getting basted, dude. Oh, that's actually. say right there. I like that. I was just about to ask, how is this a Thanksgiving movie, but Steve cleared that right up.

That's it. It's done. He's probably cutting some cheese, too, you know, some food. Somebody's getting stuffing. Oh, yeah. Arnold, I'm going to put the stuffing in you, you're my big bird. Also, as we learn from the trailer, right, this came out, like, early September, right? Or what's it? November 20-something

Labor Day, right? Labor Day, this year is now November 23rd. I think you could have just released this on thing, and it was like this November 23rd, someone's getting stuffed. Would it totally, and honestly, maybe more people would have come out to the theater for it. Hey, this Thanksgiving, buns are in the oven. Oh, there you go. All so good.

Yeah. I bet this baby came out better than your Thanksgiving dinner, you fucks. You idiots, come watch my fucking movie. Well, that was aggressive. I guess I will see it. Yeah, so he's just like a... The weird part about Danny DeVito's character is, for the most part, he's like

Arnold is the quote unquote brains and like the cold whatever and like his quote unquote character arc is the one he like becomes more feeling through this process and like Danny DeVito's the heart I gotta find my parents I don't know, yeah. Think about our sisters

and our mothers we want to get pregnant well so he oh you got one? I found a new way to steal babies. Start from the beginning. Yeah. You don't need Gotham's firstborn when you make them. Dr. Cobble Pot's home-baked babies. Someone has had to have tried that of just like, I'm going to make a bunch of babies to be my private army. It'll take a while, but I'm sure it's happened.

I mean, that's why, I mean, Andrew has already explained why he was not going to have kids. I'm not because I'm like 40% sure I would have a penguin kid. Like, just like, you know what? The odds are against me on that one. And it's like, nah, dude, we're good. But that, dude, you're total, because that plays into another one of my fears, right, is like giving life to an eerie kid. Oh, yeah.

You know, like a Damien or like a fucking, the orphan, whatever. That 30-year-old kid's name was. Like, just some terrifying child, you know? Neither of you have cobble pot money either, so you couldn't really. Totally. Those kids are going right off that bridge.

Like a sack of unwanted cats. Yeah, those people had money, and they did that. But yeah, so they are... And it's weird, it takes a while to realize they're working together on this drug which is expect tain. Is everyone paying attention?

I thought it was expect taint. It's not taint, it's taint. Because when I'm watching this movie, I expect taint. Now, Arnold, what you got to do is you stuff the pill in your taint. It dissolves through your pores. And then you're pregnant.

You know, Danny, that kind of sounds like we should go back to the drawing No, we don't have to do that. Just take it. Put it in your tank, I don't. They're working together they're doing a big pitch to the FDA like, hey,

all these monkey miscarriages, we've solved that problem. Now let's go on to the big show. Update, we have solved all the monkey miscarriages. 13 New York Times headlines later. We've finally done it. But they're like, let's work on humans.

and they get rejected by Franklin Gila is not only the dean of this school, he's also like the president of the FDA and possibly the governor of California. He's the kingpin. He's the kingpin. He's the third double kingpin of San Francisco, I guess.

Later in the movie, he's got like roving debt squads and they're like, the deed told us to do it. He calls in all of San Francisco media for a pregnancy. And this is like why, like we've lamented before, talking about Ghostbusters, like, oh, we wish Dean Yeager had a larger role in that movie, right?

Because it spawned one of the greatest Dan Aykroyd deliveries of all time. Hey, Dean Yeager! But this is what happens with, if Dean Yeager is allowed to run a mile. Oh, I see. You get Frank Langela in this movie, and that's Trouble Town. And he starts running a racket. I mean, he's got Evil Man Goatee, too.

This is a terrible looking thing. I had, and maybe Arnold looks good in this movie. Yeah, Franklin Gall is. a fucking snack, though. And I think this was around the time. Fuck me, Skeletor is what I say. He was

in that Lolita remake. Oh, yeah. Where he's running around his fucking cock is doing the plane prepared. He had a exquisite stuff. His peepy floppy cock out. But yeah, dude, I would get injected with his cum, right? Absolutely.

Why not? If you're going to have a baby. That's how you get super geniuses. You don't get like monkey babies. you would from the Schwarzenegger thing. Or like the movie Baby Geniuses. Could you imagine a talking baby? Could you imagine? Just putting it out there. Think about it. Who's the, what's the fucking old piece of shit in that movie? There it is. John Voight indeed. And so they get rejected. It is very, I mean, like, to your point, like, not only is the library seen very ghostbusters, they have this thing where they get, you know, they get thrown out of the university for their

crooked science because they get rejected for the thing. Frank Langela takes a lot of pleasure in it and now here comes Emma Thompson. I mean, what hurt more? Being in this movie or being cheated on by Helen Abottom Carter? Which is being in this movie? Oh, I'm sorry, everybody.

It was 25 years ago. Are you guys all upset about a nearly 30-year-old infidelity scandal? That's weird. So what happened there? She just... She's with Kenneth Branagh at the time. Thor's Kenneth Branagh at the time.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Take us through People Magazine 1995, please. No problem. I just think the hell in the bottom card had got away with a lot of shit that she shouldn't be got away with. Wow, look at me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I hope she's brought to justice.

Wait, got away with a lot of shit she shouldn't have got like, what, killing a kid? No, she was a hurricane in the 90s. She fucking stole Kenneth Broughta and Enter Burton. And they've now started a podcast called She Did this.

Lock her up. That's right. That's right. No, I don't want any of that Channing at a we hate movie show ever. Shut the fuck up. Don't do it. All right, well, I'm sorry to the state of hell and a bottom part. I hope she's having a nice day. I'll say that. Of course she's just fucking someone else's

man. I'm just picturing you and your mother. Every night, dude, you and your mom, like, You know, in the mid-90s, just flipping through a People magazine. Mom, can we move over to Star yet? I'm bored. Just going like, that's awful. You know what she is? She's a hussy.

So, yeah, they get turned down by the FDA. They're getting kicked out of the place, much like the Ghostbusters, right? Arnold has locked the door. And, like, this is the first time I think you see Frank Langela's hit squad here. They're trying to, like, break the door down with a flamethrower or something. Like, I guess they're scared he's going to steal research or some shit. Is that the idea? We're all going to hell tonight.

Me and these monkeys are going to burn. That's, I mean, these two... Oh, my God, if he commits suicide with 12 monkeys will be all over the news. Drink the Kool-Aid monkey. We should quickly mention, I guess this is probably like a spiritual sequel to Twins because that was also, like, a weird cum mixture made them. Yes, that's true. That's absolutely true, Eric.

I thought that was just like a flub at the hospital. No, I think it was... Yeah. Is that right? Weird cum thing. Oh, okay. You're just like, give me the cocktail. Mix it up.

There is, it's been a really long time for twins, but I believe there's like some super science where like, it's like, oh, they make... Super science or stupid science? Probably both. Sure. But it's like, oh, we'll make the perfect man and it's Arnold. Like, let's do twins and like, oops, it fell on the garbage. And here's Danny DeVito.

So the five second rule works if you drop a French fly on the floor. Yes, yeah. but a vial of Danny DeVito. Well, the funny thing about Twins is the opening of that thing. It is a cum trick. Eric is correct on that. It's a good come trick. They do the fountain soda trick where they put in cum from all the best scientists in the world.

Yeah. And only one egg. And it's amazing. It's like a little Coca-Cola, some Mountain Dews, a little Sprite. A little biologist, a little geology. So wait, who was the scientist that was responsible for Danny DeVito? Vita, while is Sean? They all come from the same mixture.

Inconceivable. Turns out it was conceivable. But they, yeah, so Arnold is refusing to go and like Emma Thompson because like, I don't know, like I like her a lot as an actor, she's really funny, she's really smart, but like this movie she's just falling down the whole time.

It's just like, oops, she fell down. Because what we're trying to do here obnoxiously is like a screwball, you know, like bringing a baby type Comedy. Did you say screwball? Indeed, I did. Take it away. No, I mean, it would be nice if they had some screwball in this. Instead, Danny Vita just pricks them.

You know? There's a little bit of screwing in this movie. I take off your pants, Arnold. All right, Arnold, we're going to make love now. Can't wait to prick you. Don't worry. I put the lady come on the tip. Look at it in there. The egg. Danny, it sounds like

you've been taking some notes from Eric Siska. I told you before, he doesn't have a doctorate. Apologies, but the exits have been welded shut. So she comes in, right? It's like her, her like, why I says Gruball comedy, her thing is like, she's a klutz. Yeah. And that's funny, maybe once. Yeah.

But I think we rewatched it today at the hotel. And I got to say, you're going like seven or eight gags. of her being a klutz. Look, I understand she's British. You don't have to tell her to be Hugh Grant. Yeah. She doesn't have to be Hugh Grant.

That's right. Nervous, Fuddy-Dutty Brits were all the rage in the mid-90s, though. It totally checks out. Because what the fuck was the year right before, right? Nine months? Nine months? The most buffoonish she's ever been. Four weddings and a feudal is only like two or three years before this.

Yeah. But they still walk among us, folks. They just use American accents. It's a travesty. Dr. Strange is a secret agent. It is. He's not that secret, dude. Hello, it is me an American named Dr. Steven Strange.

Wow, sounds like that British Wizard is actually American. You know who could play a teenager from Queens? A British kid. They must be from the same American state that Hugh Lorry is from. Yes, Mr.

Mr. Stark, I love getting a falafel down on Queens Boulevard. If Spider-Man took place in 1776, I would understand it. I'm a huge fan of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Squad. I'm going to the boutique. Well, Peter, things are looking very weird. Let's take this lorry, I mean bus. We now call them buses, Peter. Hey, Aunt Me, I'm making

Stark money now. We should move to a bigger flat. And Russi to tell me is like 100, 200, 300. No, Peter, we should get you, your vocal cords change with that money, actually. It sounded pretty bad. It's just

because that kid is a baby, and I don't believe him as an adult ever, and if they cast him as James Bond, I'm fucking done with it. All right? I'm just done with it all. But, so, like, she feels bad, so she's like, oh, cool. Frank Langello is, like, dancing on their grave.

He's really happy about it. Like, you Ghostbusters, I mean, baby busters need to get out of here. And she, but she's like, oh, I feel so bad. Like, Arnold saves her, and she, like, kisses someone in the mouth. Like, she wants to fuck this dude from the jump, which makes sense, because he's built like a fucking doorway. But instead, he's like, please stop making out with me. This is very disgusting.

She gets off of him and knees him in the nuts. Yes. This is cool. You know, Ivan, I think it's one disgrace too many, me getting kneed in the nuts. Well, when you kissed me, I wasn't so into it. Then you need me in the nuts. And I'm like, well, maybe. With come back, let's start over now.

I'm ready to go. Are you one of those women I keep on hearing about? What, me mashers? Just kidding in general. Yeah, because he's this, like, dangerous loner in this movie who has no relationship with anyone in the entire United States besides Danny DeVito. Nobody's like cat-c-c-call, I'm sorry, I would cat-call Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I'd do it right now. Yeah, honestly, so he's never, it's never happened. Nobody's been like, yeah, I'm attracted to you. What? There is a part in the movie, though, like, you know, if you said, whatever, it doesn't matter. But there's a part where he's like, oh, yeah, Danny DeVito, we are not friends. And also, I hear everyone in the lab making fun of the way I talk. And you're just like, oh, Arnold.

It's so sad. Well, have you heard your voice? Well, this is the rare Arnold movie. And in a good sense, wherein they're like, oh, he's like, because like they lose the funding. Arnold's like, I am going back to Austria. I'm like, fucking finally. It's like, oh, it is me, Dr. Hess from New Jersey. Yes, my favorite musical artist is the boss.

I am from Hock and Sack. That one does kind of work. if you say it makes it but yes he's from australia we're actually fucking putting a hat on it's like fucking finally my name is stephen johnson oh this was like denny de vito follows him on an airplane and stuff and like buys a ticket this is a crazy thing right like they're hard up for funding there's clearly money problems going on hard up by the he's trying to he's trying to yeah yep nice stifing up sorry oh yeah but he's trying to convince arnold to go along with the scheme and Arnold is getting on the plane.

And Danny DeVito, last second, buys a plane ticket to wherever in Europe, because they don't specify Austria. He says, I'm going back to Europe. But, like, you're dropping two grand to convince this. I don't know, I mean, make a phone call the next day.

Are you see this townhouse he's living in? Of course, he can blow $1,000. Fuck it. And it's also in 94. He's at, like, fucking four box cutters in his pocket. They're like, oh, go on, man. Enjoy it. Dude, he is bum-rushing the security office,

And this woman is just totally calm, like, oh, you need a pass to go after this point right here. He's like, well, I don't have a ticket. I see what's in your pocket. The plane can go anywhere you want. Oh, I'm always carrying a box cutters. You never know when you're going to need it. What if you find a box and you can't open it?

Sometimes you need to do an emergency C-section. Oh, my God. They are, this is where Danny DeVito comes with the plan because it's like, look, you know, we don't have funding but we do have all this fucking, we got crates of expectane all we need is a host and Arnold is like, what woman

would let someone take an expect, what pregnant woman would take an experimental drug? And the answer is, I don't know, anybody, if you paid them enough. But it's just like, oh no, what about you, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You should get pregnant. Absolutely. Marcelo Mastriani did it. You should do it too. But it's right too. This is a good move because you could

like put a horse in him or something, you know? It's a big dude. Horse baby. I was half expecting a monkey baby to come out at the end because they're working so close to these monkey eggs. You'd think, Junior, that sounds like a monkey name. Oh, sorry, Arnold. I got the tubes mixed up.

You're giving birth to a monkey man. Oh, no, I'm giving birth to a human zee. They haven't tried this since the Red Army. I'm going to call him. I'm going to call him Mighty Joe Young. So that's what that movie's about. But like Arnold gets convinced, you know what I mean? We saw the trailer all together right now.

That's pretty much what it is. He gets convinced. And the idea is, and the very specific plan is like, look, it's just going to be first trimester only. Don't worry. It's going to be as big as of a grain of rice. That's his kind of thing. That's the whole, because that's like the amount of like research that they'll know,

the data that they need to collect and yada, yada, yada. And then it'll dissolve. your own body. It'll just disappear. Well, because we're very much dancing around the A word in this movie, right? We're definitely not saying abortion. And it's just like, you know, Arnold, you just have to go for one trimester

and then, I don't know, we can go on vacation. Yeah, I'll get up in the... There's a step there that you're missing, Danny. Listen, do you ever see dirty dancing? You know what Jerry Orbach does it dirty dancing? All right, Arnold, we get seven weeks of research and then I'm calling Jerry Orbaugh. But so that is the thing we are dancing

We never say it But it's there It's like we'll just do this And then we'll take it You know what I mean? Like and so Arnold You know Well we need an egg

And like earlier on in the movie Emma Thompson in a very clumsy thing It's like writing a whole fucking Case full of eggs And like Danny DeVito's like Say And he like goes into her lab Late at Night

Steal something labeled Junior And this is when she wakes up She's got cheese on her face. These were trying to make her not look fucking hot as balls. Balls aren't hot. A 1994, Emma Thompson, look the fuck out. Oh my God. She's got cheese on her face. Yeah, somebody was into it. Totally.

It was doing it for somebody. Oh, yeah, I'm a cheese it? Could you just, oh God, put cheese on your forehead. Oh my God, put it back, put it back, put it back. Oh, fuck, it's Guna. Shit. Let's get together and make some cheese whiz. Now, yeah, I'm going to the Marriott to meet up with a bunch of cheeses. And they were Gouda Fest, 2002, baby. It's as Gouda as it gets.

Oh, my God. She's smoking. It smoked Gouda. Both of my finishes at once. Get out of this porno theater, cheese fucker. Look at the giant cheese wheel. It could crush you. It's hot, man.

What the hell? were we talking about? Oh, wait, oh, he goes into the lab, right? He opens this cryogenic chamber, and he is looking at all these little samples like fucking Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park. He's just like, oh, look at this. You got a junior and you got a

T-Rex. You got a dilaphasaris over there. It's really too bad you can't make like an over-easy or like a scrambled. We got to get you to some sort of continuing ed shit the second we get home.

The thing is that nothing matters. It doesn't matter what I know. It doesn't matter what you know nothing matters. But it's great because she wakes up and she's like, oh, what's going on? He's like, oh, you know, I wanted to ask you out on a date. And then she throws up everywhere. No. Pardon me?

Will I go get sick in the loo? Was this like just to distract her? Was this sincere? I think it's a little bit of both. It's totally both. Because his whole thing is like, all right, well, either way I'm getting out of here with an excuse. But maybe I'll get a hot day. too. Well, he's also

specifically very divorced, which we kind of... Oh, you don't forget for two seconds that he's divorced in this movie, because the ex-wife comes into his office one day and is like, oh, hey Danny DeVito, remember the reason that we got divorced because we couldn't have a baby together? Well, guess what? I'm pregnant. And he's

like, oh, my God. Oh, Angela, fantastic. I can't believe it. Oh, it's the time we had sex at our friend's wedding. And she's like, mm-hmm. All right, there's the door. Right there's the door, you can leave now. In the craziest, the, I mean, this is...

Hold on it, wasn't Helena Bonham Carter, was it? That goddamn homewreck her. She really can do it all. You know, that Steve Sadek warned me about her. You didn't expect that when you bought your ticket, but you got it. What was I talking about? No, she was impregnated by... Oh, that's the craziest thing, right?

This is a movie in where Arnold Schwarzenegger is impregnated. Yeah. But the craziest, but the craziest bat-shit insane part of this movie is his ex-wife comes in and is like, I'm pregnant, it's not yours. Please be my OBGYN.

Get the fuck out of here, lady. Get right out of town. Are you kidding me? I was impregnated by Aerosmith, which one? I don't know. They all went to town on me or something. But then it turns out not even to be Aerosmith, it's some dude. Also, I'm pretty sure I don't have the OBGYN's oath in front of me,

but they're not allowed to play home games, as I understand it. Like, if you've been there before, you're not allowed to be the doctor. We won't be the most intense emotional situation you got. Yeah, exactly. The most intense emotional situation you got. But the best part is he's like, all right, that sounds really awful, Angela. how about you go if there's any guy who's better than me

it's my partner 902 and those James Eckhaus is in this movie oh and the head of hair what a smoke show holy shit fuck dude but the way they talk about James Eckhouse in this movie

his name's Ned and he's at the practice with Danny DeVille they talk like he's John Doe from 7 yes they're like Pamela Reed whenever she's like he creeps me out he keeps me out he keeps checking me and it just creeps me

out. Back away Danny DeVito, James Eckhouse has the upper hand now. You tell, and that's the thing, you never I mean, as far as bad Yelp reviews go, want to be an OBGYN that's getting creep reviews. Yeah. She's just like, he looks at me grossly.

It's fucking disgusting. Please, ex-husband, be my OBGYN. He's like, I don't know, babe. There's a whole city out there full of us. He also showed my brother this knife dick thing. He really liked it, but I told him not to do it. That's what we call.

Not expect taint, but like break taint. Yes, Eric. He told me the fucker, and I did. Carved her up like a Thanksgiving turkey. What's in the box? What's in the box? Arnold, what's in the box? Yeah, wouldn't that be wild if a guy came out with like a knife dick to carve

turkey at Thanksgiving. Imagine if you're like uncle did that. Just, it's going to be a little careful one here. Just like, position himself over the table and just like, you know what it is, you know what it is. You know what, man, I'll be out in the car. Hey, cousin, uh, cousin Clara, could you, uh, show some cleavage? I'm losing some steam here.

Oh, the knife is going down. Motherfugger, the Uber driver said he was three minutes, 10 minutes ago. All right, let's get to the movie. Wait a second. Can we talk about Danny DeVito's office? Sure. And a very famous patient that's in there.

He made the trailer. He makes the trailer. You catch the head of hair on Chris Maloney in this movie. He looks like fucking Michael Richards with that hair. Yeah. It's almost a Seinfeldt. It is almost exactly. Yeah, you're very Seinfeldian with that muller.

And Danny DeVito has to teach him how to Jack off. Welcome to jerk off instructions. I'm your host, Danny DeVito. And he's got this shelf of porno tapes. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

Slow down. Stand up and walk around a room for a bit. As is Danny DeVito's jerk off instructions. I bet it feels hard. Yeah. One of these movies he has on VHS is called Sex Crimes, 2084. and I looked it up and it's real

what was the there's another one L.A. Raw L.A. Raw. Beaverly Hills Cop Yes, Beaverly Hills Cop which Google keeps telling me I want to look for Beverly Hills Cop

but no I don't. No, I'm looking for the story of horny detective Axel Fuckley. Is this name Axel Fuckley? I don't know, but it might as well be, dude. It doesn't tell us much on the IMDB the director is Adam.

No last name. Yeah, you know what Adam is, dude? That is so fucking Meemaw doesn't see what you're doing out in Holly Weird. When you're telling me, Ma'aw, you're making movies. Oh, Adam, Beaverly Hills, cop? Oh, no. Oh, Adam, and the follow-up, Beaverly Hills 902-1-69? Unbelievable!

This Thanksgiving is ruined. I'm going to carve the turkey with this knife dildo from the first. film seven and get on with it. Oh, this one looks good. Fletch Fuchs. He does. Dude, how? Okay, wait a second. A Fletch Pornow parody, dude, you got some guy

standing in for Chevy Chase in a porno film? Like, you fluch? Is that kind of close to like a fuck? Flush? Is that that Tom Hank's Apple movie that just came out? Oh, you're right. He's just like, Tom Hanks. It's just like fucking a robot in that or anything? Yeah, that's it. I heard that robot's

got some funny one-liners in that movie. really? Yeah. Probably not though. So. Right, right, right. Chris Maloney jerks off in that cup. That's all I wanted to say.

Well, yes, it's very important. We know that. Yeah, we got to get to the movie. But he winds up. So Arnold is like, okay. Arnold asks like, where did you get the egg? And it's like, ah, don't worry. It said Abby something.

Abbey normal. Because he's basically doing a Marty Feldman and fucking young Frankenstein in this film, essentially. Yeah, he doesn't know what this fucking. thing. Exactly. It could kill you. I really don't know. Well, actually, and I don't know if this is just like a terms

from the biz or what, but he's like, oh, don't worry about it. Arnold, it was from an anonymous harvest. Oh, shudder, an anonymous harvest. He injects Arnold with the cum needle, the lady cum needle, and then you know, the plot starts progressing from there.

By the way, this is grand larceny. You still like, you know, someone's fucking jizz. It's like, I don't know, Like, that's like $200 worth of value, if that. Yeah. $200. That's like $10 grand to pop those eggs. Yeah, lady eggs are hard.

Oh, oh, eggs, yeah. Semen they'll take for like $50 a load. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm not paying for this. There's semen running through the streets of every city. Exactly. Every fucking sewer system is full of common. But a lady egg, that is harder to come by.

It's true. Yeah, a lady egg is essentially winning chopped. It's like $10,000. Yeah. Is that all? you get for having a deal with being on that show. Yes, it's second. What are you what are you going to spend your winnings on?

Oh, I think I'll buy a lady yet. But yeah, so now, Danny DeVito, in a very sensual scene, they like to use the, what do you call it there, the ultrasound, and he's trying to find where to put it. Because again, like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger's body isn't exactly set up for this situation.

What? And they're like, basically like, I don't know, put it in the back somewhere. Like, look, there's no... Arnold, do you got any vacancies in there? Any place I could just huck a baby? You still got your spleen, Arnold? Towards the end of the movie, it's like,

it's jamming up his intestines or something? Dude, there is a thing. It is a blink and you miss it line, but Danny DeVito is like, I don't know, something tells me it's wrapped up and his lodged intestine. So this baby is like stretched out, like a prisoner. Meanwhile, like, shit's flowing in these fucking pipes next to it.

Well, because that's again, he was never expected to carry it to terms. So it's like, I don't know, put it anywhere. It's like, oh, I'm going to throw that TV out later. Just put it over there. Wherever. Don't worry about feeding it or anything. That won't come up. Dude, that is the thing.

You just, you got to not ask too many questions about this movie because it falls apart like a house of sand. Absolutely. Also, the best thing is, so Danny DeVito and I, Arnold Schwarzenegger have been working together for a long time, we understand. Pamela Reid comes in and is like, oh, hi, nice to meet you, this person who's been part of my

life for about 15 years now. The first time you meet your partner's fucking partner? Well, I think it's a thing where Danny DeVito just clearly doesn't take his work home with it. But also they're fucking divorced. And this lady is coming in. You want to talk about Michael Richards just cramoring into Danny DeVito's

house at all hours. There's one part where she walks in, And what's Danny DeVito's name in this movie? Abergath. Well, what's his first name? Larry or some shit. It's Larry. Yeah, it's Larry. And Arnold is Alexander Hess. There we go. Like Rudolph. She walks into the house one time and she's like, oh, Larry, are you home? I just let myself in.

And you should have Danny DeVito being like, no fucking shit. It's a Tuesday. She is just waltzing into this. And there's one part where he's like, you know, I'm trying to be civil about this. uh we are divorced i do own the house and she's like i don't care about that divorce paper this will always be my house it's like lady in her out with this marriage change the locks i will break into your house danny davido exactly i will break a window i'll come into this house whenever i fucking like okay angela i'm changing the locks you got fucked by arrowsmith i am now changing the locks i can't believe she lied about that i know it's a weird because at the beginning of which is like well it was it was aerosmith

and you know everybody's like oh that's the 90s but then later on because she says he left because he had to go back on tour she says who on tour she just says Arrowsmith and then later on you find out she's the he's Arrowsmith's personal traitor what is that? You're missing

the fuck she's she's like Aerosmith and then later he's like oh and I just assume it's Joe Perry and he's like you disgusting piece of shit It was their personal trainer, okay? I just lied about it, okay? And their personal trainer is, of course, their drug mule.

It's just a... Yeah, I was like, Aerosmith's personal trainer. What are you kidding me? Just Tom, then. Why don't you just say Tom impregnated me? So now Arnold is sort of is pregnant. He's going through the whole thing. When he gets, when he moves into Danny Vito's, we can't, I'm sorry.

We can't skip it because it's the most horrifying part of the whole fucking endeavor is he like gets the injection and then falls asleep and we wake up to a dream sequence where a bo-b-b-b-bo-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bab comes in holding this bo-b-b-b-b-baby and it's like obviously this lady didn't have a sad card and she don't say shit

through the whole scene, right? She's just smiling uncomfortably at him. And he's presented with this baby and he's like, ah, come in the baby and looks at it. And this, I mean, forged in the fires of hell, ladies and gentlemen. This fucking baby with the Arnold

CGI face and it's actual Arnold like superimposed on it and he's just like you know what? I think I would that is how I would have a kid. If I could have a kid if I would have that kid. What? And you'd raise him and love him? It's going to be the stallion that mounts the world

you ever see this though? I mean it's a real thing like not with like right newborn babies but like after a while and they start kind of looking like a person. Maybe some of you out here, your friends have this, maybe some of your own. About 18, 19, you know? No, no, no. Like, just like, you can be like a few months old,

baby start getting like adult face and then you see like a little toddler that's just got a face that looks exactly like an adult. Like, probably like they're going to grow up to look like Walter Mathau. Yeah. Now that I'm saying this, the next time you see one, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It'll ruin children for you all over again.

But it won't look like an Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. Which is why. I'm not having kids. That's the thing. That's what you wanted, yeah. I want that. I mean,

I've long said that the most disgusting thing I've seen CGI create is the mask, smirms from son of the mask. Oh, those are terrible. This might overtake. This really might have done. Cinema's greatest come.

Well, I love that, like, Ivan Reitman was like, well, a movie's going along pretty well. No one's freaked the fuck out yet. We're 35 minutes into this movie. No one's freaked the fuck out. We got to do something about that. Oh, Arnold will superimpose your face

onto an infant. That'll do it. I mean, we're making a family movie. They should be a little scared. Fear brings families closer together. And Arnold wakes up at Danny Davis bed. He does a pregnancy test. He has to pee in a glass, and it comes up like a fucking hazy IPA.

Holy shit. This juice bomb that he pisses out? It is very dark. You need to drink more water, sir. Arnold Schwarzenegger, we need some piss. Here's a pint glass. Fill it to the top. And he does. Filled to the brim this thing.

It would be funny if he just poured it all, he poured a little bit into the test tube like he needs to like. No, no, no, no. That would also just be gross again. It kind of looked like this. It does look a lot like that. But that's the thing. Like, he's also a scientist.

He knows how much Danny DeVito will need for the experiment. You drink that piss down there, dude? Yeah Yeah Yeah but he's like You're pregnant And this is when like Worst delivery of Arnold's career right here by the way

Danny DeVito is like You might be crazy But you're also pregnant Trail a line And then he goes I'm pregnant Just the absolute And I know he's not Lawrence Olivier

I love the guy But how about a take two For that one Warmth isn't his thing. When he's talking to a monkey, it seems like he's talking to the governor. I'm going to miss you most of all, monkey

co-worker. You want the monkey to fuck her? Get Downey Sr. in here. He'd do it better than right man. I think it would be very interesting if they started cross-breeding humans and monkeys in this. The Soviet Union tried a dude didn't work. We all know this.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean it won't work. That's, I mean, this was a missed opportunity. This should have been the prequel to Planet of the Apes. Oh, nice. Oh, shit, this is how it all started. Forget that right. You know, Junior's a little old hat. Let's call him Caesar.

Classical name. Oh, no, I shouldn't have been fucking the monkeys. Now they are taking over the planet. And it will truly be a planet of Arnold's. What are you doing with James Franco? Get out of the air! going to kill you. So he's pregnant, now we're doing

like, and that's the thing. This movie, I mean, like, this movie does, it doesn't function as a comedy, because, like, you expect, and you do get a lot of pregnancy jokes. You expect laughs, though, right? But, like, the sentimentality is off the charts. Off the charts.

Because it's like, oh, we're talking about babies. You love babies. We got to be nice about it. You like, baby. You like, baby things don't you and pregnant things don't you like all of that it's not boring the joke is he comes into the office

is like my nipples are sensitive and everyone's like the fuck are you talking about well yeah yeah look look if you use clamps that often you're gonna get somewhere and tear you know you're just having these clamps hanging off your tits man they are just gonna pull them right down

Arnold we live together we could talk about this literally every time why are you screaming in a closed office about your nipples. They make like a quarter-assed attempt to have like the rest of the lab

assistants be characters because this other fucking total nobody guy is like, hey you talking about sore nipples over there? I get those from surfing. Do you surf huge Austrian dude? And here's the thing, Arnold should just be like, yeah

it was from surfing, you are correct. But he like shoots, he's like, I do not surf. There's no way he surfs. He sinks. Sink like a stone. I've been feeding the monkeys. I must confess.

They love me. If he started breastfeeding monkeys, another star. Bring it up to two stars. That's right. But because of all, like, he's doing things like he's getting morning sickness and whatnot. And it causes Emma Thompson to think that he has a drug problem.

and she, like, confronts him. Like, this is a person she doesn't know, like, at all. And she's like, oh, excuse me, do you have a substance abuse problem? Like, who cares if he did, lady? Mind your business. Yes, I've just been blowing rails all the time. Goodbye English lady. That's why I keep going back into the laboratory

because I have a huge stash, but I can't remember where I hit it. I don't know. But do you want me to stop looking to stop? Monkey miscarriages? This helps me. That's why there were monkey miscarriages. I hide the cocaine inside the monkeys, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?

You know what? You've got a lot of curiosity about what's going on in my life. Pay attention to your own and that goth lady hanging around your husband. Open your eyes. She's coming faster than you think. Your life is about to be totally ruined. Actually, as a matter of fact, you're here filming a movie with me. me, where's Kenneth?

What is Kenneth up to back in the United Kingdom? He's not Shakespeare, I'll tell you that. After Fight Club comes out, Arnold just makes a panicked phone call to Tim Burton. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know. She's trouble, man. I've seen it in action. So, but yes, they make this, it's a really bad joke where it's like, oh, do you have

a substance abuse problem? No. And Danny's like, Danny Devin is like, oh, you know, he's got this, all of his village and Austria has this Glockensbergin disease. And they're like, what does it do? It makes you fat. Just say, like, I don't know, dude,

I put on some weight. Could you mind your own fucking business? It's a real disease. I'm a strudel hound. I mean, also to just get this total stranger off your back, how about, yeah, I am a drug addict. Good day.

What are you going to do about it? Yeah, get lost, lady. that kind of goes to nowhere because they keep trying I mean it may come as a surprise to all of you who did or did not see the movie but Emma Thompson and Arnold Schwarzenegger not a lot of chemistry

not a ton of stunning stuff not a ton of chemistry it's tough for all Schwarzenegger to have chemistry with anything that's not a gun generally speaking he's not been great or like an alien he's beating up

or Danny DeVito I already said an alien he's beating up well he wasn't playing himself in space jam he's a different kind of alien that's true that's also true um yeah so they make up this disease or whatever and it just it totally goes nowhere the whole thing like this is where

the laughs are really supposed to be coming right because like all the hormones are messing with him so there are things that you can like justify with the science in this movie right which is like he's watching like a Folgers crystals commercial it's a Kodak commercial it's a Kodak? Oh, is it okay? Oh, famous.

Well, how about earlier today when I was like, where is this commercial from? You fucking kept them tight little lips shut, huh? Because I was waiting for the show. Oh, great. Well, the big fucking reveal. It's a Kodak film commercial. Listen, it's a Kodak moment.

Save it for the show. But so he's like crying or whatever. He's like, the little girl grew up, and now she's not daddy's girl anymore. And like, okay, that's fine, I guess, right? I bet that daddy remembers what the piece was like on his lip. and now she's getting married I'm crying daddy

but then they start who wasn't daddy and what did he do daddy did you impregnate that man too do you know what that daddy did do you know what that daddy did that daddy left that's what that daddy do

no but so here's the thing though then they start doing really stupid shit like because they're living together they also then just become like an old married couple and Arnold's like he doesn't get invited to some function that Danny DeVito is going to and he's like you know I have not left the house

in forever I never see you anymore you're working all the time Danny DeVito says I have to go to this big meeting in San Francisco I live in San Francisco Maybe he lives like just outside the city limits it's the full house house They never really define

the spatial relation on anything including with that fucking Arnold womb But just all I'm pointing out is like all of these jokes about them being like a couple all of a sudden is some of the biggest fucking thuds in cinema history. Well, because like the thing is like at the end, he's like, all right, Arnold, you can come to the dance or whatever it is. And he's like, oh, I don't know what I'm going to wear. And then someone's homophobic uncle is fucking wearing his knee out laughing.

You're getting them, Arnold. You're getting them all. The joke is like, oh, I am now, I am now like woman. I care of a people. It's like, dude, you work out 14 times a day. You've always cared of appearance. You're on a never-ending press tour. Give me a fucking brain. Exactly. I guess the difference, though, in appearance-wise,

is he's like, maybe I won't. We have fun Hawaiian shirts through the whole field. I would have preferred it, honestly. And this is the big gala thing, and this is also the trailer, I was like, ooh, you look radiant. You're positively glowing. Like, Frank Langell is trying to angle a threesome a little bit here.

By the way, if that happens, sign the fuck up immediately. Holy shit. Yeah, you're going to want to have a camera rolling for this. Just one thing, Arnold Schwarzenegger, I'm a top. Yeah, well, you know, at this party, Arnold keeps saying how much he likes Frankson blankets. He could have got a Frankin' Blankets. He could have got a Frank in a blanket right there, husband. They call those Langellas at the sack.

And there'll be a Frank in a Blankett specifically because Frank Langela famously only fucks under the cover. I see. Of course, yeah. He's a modest man. You better turn those lights off if we're going to do this. Whoopi was always complaining. I forgot about that.

I mean, the whoopster man is some interesting decisions. Langela, Ted Danson? She got around, dude. She likes them tall. Nothing wrong with that, man. Tall and Frankenstein looking on. It's okay to get stooped.

It is one way to get stooped. There's like a very long dance sequenced Emma Thompson showed. Again, they're like, two cold fish slapping against each other, trying to like find some chemistry. It's like, I am falling in love with you, Emma Thompson. Yes, these are feelings of love

coming out of my heart right now. The character's name is Angela. Angela. Emma Thompson. And I am falling in love with you, Chief Hard Apple, whatever your name is. John Matrix. Arnold lets her get away with one of the

was fucking greatest indignities of all time. He notices there's TP on this woman's shoe. He says nothing to stop this. They go out on the dance floor. She's dragging a huge fucking tail. Here's the thing. There is a bit of a social back and forth about like should you

if somebody's got spinach on their teeth, yes or no, do you tell them blah blah blah for a state. Toilip paper, you have to be like, dude, this toilet paper over there. You got to take care of that shit right away. Right away. There's a couple things. It's just a mandatory thing. Yeah. Toilet paper on a shoe. Someone's fly being down. You have to intervene.

You know what? Of humanity you have to intervene. You know what? It's kind of working for me. A little bit of shy supply. Oh, you have such dirty shoes. Your shoes are so dirty. What a dirty girl you are.

We are totally, we are doing it for somebody because they're dancing and like, they're both just awful at dancing, right? But they see some like sexy couple that's there. They're doing some sexy dancing and whatnot. They try to like emulate it. And she does like a move where she kicks. her leg out and the fucking shoe goes flying because she can't go four minutes in this movie

without humiliating herself and he goes to get the shoe and brings it back and you see like her bear be stockinged foot and he's like now we're just like we are Cinderella it was working for Ivan Reitman and it was working for people in the theater

this fucking pharmaceutical conference has a dance floor packed like a summer wedding in a Bitha I've never seen anything like it there's like a tango couple who are about to fuck going all around the thing and then the toilet paper

and then the toilet paper somebody should have seen if you're a stranger you're just like I got a little shit on your little shit down there the toilet paper on your shoe down there well the thing is like even if some of them can dance well they're all unfeeling cold

doctors which are fucking terrible they've had an education so they're terrible I agree I didn't So I'm good. Where did we meet again? College. All right, my grades were a little lower. Sure.

So the next movement is, Danny DeVito's like, you're becoming too much like a lady crying at commercials. I'm putting a stop to this experiment right now. Stop taking the medicine. And this is when Arnold's like, I will continue taking the medicine because I need a baby. And there's like lightning because we're like almost doing a Frankenstein. But it's insane because it's like, yeah, we're Frankensteining with the lightning and the score,

but then he's like, if you are a boy, I will name you a junior. If you are a girl, I will also name you junior. If you are born dead, I will revive you because it's like Frankenstein. If you end up being a monkey man or a monkey woman, then yes, I will call you junior as well. And if you are the devil, I will call you master. Man, you, by the way, birth in the Antichrist, that's hitting the jackpot.

Oh, yeah. You're living good. Yeah, you know he's going to set you up with like a nice house or something. A mansion, probably a moat. If you're, if you're birth to the Antichrist, you could probably still get a boat these days. Mia Farrow overreacts in that movie.

Oh, you think she should have given it a couple of weeks, see how it all worked out? Yeah, absolutely. Just maybe she's, you know what, John Cassavettis, you were totally right. You were totally right. you said a Martha's Vineyard and Hampton's house?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I would love to be impregnated by Arnold or the devil. You got to watch it though, man, because I'm pretty sure Damien was trying to kill them parents. Oh, yeah, that's true. That guy was trouble. That's also okay. I've lived a life. Yeah, you have a pretty good couple last days there.

You're living in the lap of luxury. I guess so. Evil luxury, but luxury. The lap of evil luxury. That's right. Your legacy will live on and conquer Earth. So Danny Thibito he puts on weight is the thing.

Yes, he finds out because it's Arnold's birthday. And they like bring him out one of the absolute worst looking cakes I've ever seen in my life. Like I would send it back. Like I didn't ask for it anyway. Get this cake out of my face. It looks like a flat tire.

Like someone made a cake to look like a fucking flat tire. You found some dog shit in the street and put the candle on it. I apologize. A fat man sat on it and it's kind of uneven here in the front. Someone sat on it on the bus and it's awesome.

And like it doesn't, it's all in service of Arnold like lifts his shirt up at one point to clap like yeah candles blew out and like the baby bump is there and there is this amazing shot of Arnold is like seated and sort of like a high lab chair and Danny DeVito is like as high as it's gonna go

and he's like He is like eyed to belly with Arnold, and it's like, ah, crap. I mean, that's, I mean, that's amazing because if I had, if I, if he pulled that up and I saw that, I would be like Drew Barrymore's mother at the beginning of scream when I found her outside. But, yeah. Please stop this. I love it. Deep cut, but I like it.

Totally, man. A couple people got deep cuts in that movie. God damn, dude. Anyway, what happens? Some days, you know, some days it's just like, God damn. What happens in this movie? So now Danny DeVito is aware that Arnold's pregnant,

and then they have this argument, he's like, let me keep my baby! And it's like, okay, all right. It's so insane, and this is, like, Danny DeVito's like, oh, he's part of a psychological study I'm doing in conjunction with the universe, to these psych department like he thinks he's pregnant.

That makes me feel comfortable that a psych patient is in this fraternity clinic with me having a regular baby. Yeah, he's having a breakdown. Don't worry. Don't worry. He's fine. Yeah, he's humongous.

I know, and he can kill us all. He's a danger. He's like a fucking lethal weapon. Look at this fucking guy. I mean, it is so funny that like, they always, I mean, any Schwarzenegger movie, they stroke his ego a little bit, but this one is special.

They look under the microscope at his guys and Danny DeVito Big load yes he straight up says big load in this movie

you know boys can swim Arnold Ivan Ivan Ivan I know I'm not a producer on this movie but I can't help but notice my newest script has a red pen through what my line should be and something in clearly

Arnold's handwriting that just says wow your load is fantastic you could repop the earth. And this is not an exaggeration, folks, that did not see the movie. He says load. Yeah, he does. It's a load. Very nice. It's incredible

stuff. But now he's also he's telling Danny DeVito at this point again about the hormones and everything and this is like, oh, Danny, I'm getting so fucking whony all of a sudden. And he says that he cored out a melon and got a stifeng. Well,

what do you expect? He's load bearing. He's load bearing That's pretty good And he's like kind of like The movie's going on He's kind of flirt with Emma Thompson Emettompson comes to his apartment Or to Danny DeVito's house

He's like oh I have an excuse to see you And it's like you are to fuck don't you And she's like Yes I would like to fuck And they're like This is another one of those moments Where Arnold is like Shown at home making

Some of the world's worst looking pasta Holy shit that's bad He's insane It's like he's got the little strainer out and you can see the pasta. He drops it in a bowl and it's so overcooked the whole thing turns to oatmeal.

It's disgusting. But this is another one of those moments where Danny DeVito calls and he's like, oh, I think I'm going to be late. I'm meeting with the so-and-so pharmaceutical guys. And Arnold, because this movie thinks this is fucking hilarious, is like, you've been working so much.

I made dinner. Now you're going to be late. It's like, they're not married. It's not funny. Let's keep moving. What's your name comes over right here? He's about to get the second. bass with fucking Emma Thompson

and Pamela Reid shows up like I don't care about and it's a dumb gag right here too where like they're making out on this couch and she Pamela Reid opens the door and comes in and the whole couch just goes backwards well he does say something that I feel I've said to all of my sexual partners which is

do you find my body disgusting do you find my body disgusting You know what classic Arnold line I said to all my sexual partners? Cohagen give these people air. Yeah. When I bust, I'm like on the surface of Mars

without a helmet on. She's so befuddled by that question, though. She goes, what did you say? And he clarifies and he's like, my body, do you find it disgusting? think. It's like, I don't know, man, parts of it.

But for being totally honest. Is this where she confesses? She's like, I was hot and horny for my fat cousin. Oh, right. Yeah. Keep that shit in the United Kingdom. You know what, dude?

Or move to fucking Alabama, dude. More women I didn't go to college with. Where were all those fat cousin lovers? Honestly, that's where that fucking Churchill obsession has gone too far. That's true. I also love stogies much like Churchill. Fucking a guy that looks like Churchill,

that would be my darkest hour. Well, here it comes, my Eric Siska's darkest hour. You cannot argue with a tiger when it's penises in your mouth. Yeah, just suck and hope for the best. I, by the way, can we give a round of a plus for Steve remembering any line from that movie? Any line at all?

Trailer only. I can only paraphrase that one scene where he's like, well, poor people on the subway, how are all of you? Fuck that movie, man. But whatever, now we're having, like, they're eating Rocky Road together and horseshit it's something. Oh, yeah, we're pigging out. You better believe there's a jar of pickles on.

on the table. But at this point, like very shortly thereafter, Pamela Reid finds out, and it's like the lamest, uh, fainting. Like,

because Danny DeVito, like, has an argument with him, and he's like, you should have aborted that baby, Arnold. And he's like, take it back,

Danny DeVito. The baby heard you. You apologize to Junior. You look at my stomach and apologize to it. And it's just like he's apologizing. And Pamela Reed's like, what's going on?

What's going on is we're divorced? And you should have left my fucking house two weeks ago. Yeah, I'm going to fuck this big Austrian dude. It's none of your business. What the fuck? My entire refrigerator is empty. Exactly.

What happened? At one point, Frank Langela visits because he's like, I guess he still owns these guys. I don't know what's going on. There's this whole, like, Frank Langela cold on the trail of the movie. Yes. And this is, again, like, Dean Yeager, only in the first part of Ghostbusters, it should have been get a total nobody

for this role and he's in the first part of junior and that's it but he comes in he storms in he's waiting for them like while they're like bickering over grocery shopping

because again they are really trying to make you laugh at this old married couple bit and he's like look at that you're living together that's certainly weird

as the dean of that college you used to work for I'm going to storm into your house right now and you're going to let me search around for some reason in your garbage and whatever

yeah you hear me Felix and Oscar. And like he does figure it out and then the next scene Arnold is at this lab which kind of like pushes towards to the end of the movie. Arnold is in the lab and Franklin kind of comes up with like

two security guards like well Mr. Schwarzenegger you're now the property of the college and it's like well no. We're going to dissect you. We'll fight for it. Okay. Yeah totally.

He pushes him in a over like a bunch of beakers and shit in any other Arnold movie he would go over this thing full of glass beakers and they'd be sticking out his throat. Like this is it's a weird it's a weird super violent moment in this movie that

does not have violence otherwise and Langela goes right over this he has the singer my body, my choice oh fucking hell man so Langela finds like some of the empty expectane bottles

in the trash, which is creepies, rooting around through the garbage. And he's like smelling it. Like, hmm, someone's pregnant here. Still warm. They can't be far. But at this point, he's convinced they're hiding like a pregnant woman somewhere.

And he's like, somewhere in this house, there's a pregnant woman. Locked up in the basement. I'm going to smoke her out. Let me see the basement. I saw that Kiss the Girls movie. Let me see the basement. But, yeah, so he knocks him over

and he goes on the run. then David already knows and picks them up and this is when like they go to some like pregnant colony and Arnold starts dressing as a lady and a very dicey movie becomes more dicey. I didn't think it was possible, honestly.

Yeah, we get the real tired jokes of like I was an East German Olympian and that's why I'm so fucked up. I mean, but you had to know if you were going into a movie about Arnold Schwarzener becoming pregnant. You knew you were not going to get out of it without him having a wig on. Yeah, no, that's true.

That's absolutely true. That's absolutely true. And the so, yeah, the heat is on. Like, that's why Danny DeVito gets him out of San Francisco to this pregnancy retreaters. I'm sure these things exist and they're not called pregnancy retreats. I do think it's the same colony from twins, though. I think this is an offshoot of that. When we think pregnancy, we

retreat. That's true. But it's also important to point out at this point, Emma Thompson has gotten hip to what's going on. Arnold discovers at a dinner date that they have that she was worried about whether or not she'd ever find somebody to have a child with and so she froze one of her own eggs and put the label in her own little cryo thing as junior

and he's like, oh fuck. Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Donnie, get over here. So he like races out of there. He kind of comes clean, You know, at some point, she flips out, understandably so. But the problem is, Danny DeVito never gets yelled at in this movie. No, no.

This was his whole thing. He was the one that Dennis Neddried that fucking junior egg in the first place. Not a lick of law comes finding this guy, man. I just have to assume he's dealing with whatever crime wave James Eckhouse is perpetrating in his fertility clinic. I got enough problems here. My partner's a hansy OBGYN. So, yeah. Like the last fucking 30 minutes of this movie.

I swear to God, when they got to this retreat, when I was watching it a couple weeks ago, I paused it to go to the bathroom, and I thought something was wrong with the time code because there was 30 minutes left to this movie. I just was totally stunned. There's this whole like, you're pregnant now, montage.

It's a song about being pregnant. Butterfly kisses. Doing the breathing, you're pregnant. being pregnant I see pregnancy from both sides now and when Emma Thompson finds out that it's her egg

she's like yo dude you gotta fuck me those are the rules dude she and this is where if you get Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant and he doesn't fuck you you're like what the fuck yeah

but this is where we know we have entered into a really dicey situation here we're talking reshoot town because all of a sudden Emma Thompson shows up at this place with the world's worst wig on

you've ever seen. It's like you know sometimes a lot of older movies like HD transfers have not been kind to them definitely the case with Junior because you can see it's like the wig is stapled to her head all the way down to like the side burns

it's so awful. Oh yeah Emma today well we're going to staple your face we're going to step your face because I don't like your hair and yeah it's like so she comes in and basically yeah like Eric said it's just like

well you're going to have my baby we better have sex and then she says to Arnold she's just like do you have a roommate at this facility and he's like nine she's like let's go let's fucking go and you don't see

the sex scene all you've seen is like Arnold is passed out in the bed and she pulls his shirt it up so the bump is exposed and just like puts her fucking head down on it and it's like this is it's so weird but it's beautiful right now this is beautiful right i got a question about this at the end of the movie it's revealed now she is pregnant was this the moment was this well it says one year later so i don't think so okay so turns out it's only nine months to make one of these little guys hey i don't know jack from shit but i am very happy to know that he was still pumping loads into her well i

after the seat. Yes. Well, after. Well, because for some reason, I guess they got married after the events of this film. Which is a really weird, like, if you're at a Christmas party, and it's like, oh, how did you do me? Well, hilarious story. We were both

fertility scientists, and his wow, his son of a bitch partner stole an egg that I froze from my own body, and he carried it to term. That's a hilarious story. I'm calling the cops right now. So Arnold goes into labor

And it's a big thing They're like again The tendrils That the dean of whatever college has At this fucking colony The guy Tracy Walter Who plays Bob and Batman Is uncredited as a janitor

He calls up Franklin Gunn's like It's happening He's having the baby I'm like Who the fuck are you? I have spies everywhere I thought you were my number one guy

Now you're fucking narkin on Arnold's Schwarzenegger. Come on, Bob. Fucking Bob, man. But so this is what Langella calls a press conference at the hospital, and, like, Danny DeVito's, like, plowing through town. They're like, I got to get Arnold pregnant. And then Eckhouse lets him know that, oh, my God, there's all this media here.

So they do a switcheroo, and Pamela, what's a read, is in the car. That's, like, the joke. Yeah, the old switcheroo there. And then, like, because it matters at all, there's like, so there's Frank Langela. And you think, really, he's like the dean of, California. But then there's just some old fucker that they

drag into this movie. And this guy I guess is like the real deal, Dean of the School or something. I think he's the Dean of America then, right? I think you're right because this guy, like Frank Ella's like and here it is ladies and gentlemen, the world's first pregnant man. And then Pamela Reid gets out of the car

and Langela is humiliated. And this guy, we've never met him before. He has no other lines after this. He's like, you know Frank Langela, you're a fire. your shit can't out of here fired from who are you what

I have a boss I've been conducting myself all wrong I thought I owned the university and it makes a ton of sense even though I'm sure someone someone in the writer's room is like it'd be great if Arnold had to push

and they're like that's not going to work no no no that's you know what we already you know what I think we can get around like people asking how this baby eats Oh no! Is it coming out of my ass or my dick?

I'm sorry, Arnold's dead. He was split right in half. Split right in half his junior came out. Holy shit, Arnold. You got bone tomahawked over there. You know, you know the Boulder from Indiana Jones? That's about the size of the baby we pulled out of that thing. Holy shit, Arnold. It's like Jason Boy, he's got a And meanwhile, Pamela Reid's having a kid, and it's like, oh, they're having kids

in the same night. It's kind of like Father of the Bride part, too, in that way. It kind of is. Or nine months, the fucking dual. Oh, sure. And Arnold has a healthy baby girl, and Pamelaide is a healthy baby boy. We cut to the end. They're at a beach somewhere.

The girl. Oh, no, it does kind of look like the beach from old. I really think so. Oh, no, Danny. I'm 97. What a weird twist. The baby, so they named the daughter, Jr., and they named the boy Jake. Jake. I don't know why. Hey, hold on. Any Jake's here tonight? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I didn't expect that to happen. All right. That's what I thought. But if he takes DeVito's name, though, in this movie, Jake Arbighast. That's a detective in the 40s. He really is a detective in the 40s, of course. We're going to give you a younger brother. We're going to call him the fat man.

It's Jake and the fat man. Yeah, welcome. He's my niece, my nephew and nephew, Jake and the fat man. But they, he gives, DeVita delivers her kid, and she's like, why don't you become the father of the kid because the other guy doesn't want to be? He's like, that sounds fantastic. Have a baby to shave the marriage.

Yes, please. No problem in sight. Hey, you just pushed a human being out of you. Why don't we get married again, get moved in again, start annoying each other again? Those drugs are still coursing through your veins. Agree to this now. I mean, you know it got bad because earlier in the movie, there's this like bone-chilling line where Arnold is, when he wakes up in Danny DeVito's house and he's like, oh, your bedroom is decorated very interestingly. and he's like, oh, it's actually

Angela's bedroom. And he's like, oh, separate bedrooms. And it is fucking heartbreaking, and it is not for this movie at all. Danny DeVito. Because Danny DeVito, by the way, he shouldn't say, he's a great actor. He's a great dramatic actor. He's pulled it off a ton of times. He pulls it off here. He just goes, yeah, Arnold, well,

there's a lot of stops on the long road to divorce. Oof. Every exit is Humiliation Town. It sucks, Arnold. Using my own metaphor, if you drive on the shoulder and her get pregnant by somebody else,

you get right back to marriage. I just went around a couple of cars there, Arnold. Honey, why don't we get back on the road with four flats and see if we can make this thing work? So whatever, the last joke of the movie is like, you know, they're like, oh, Emma Thompson's pregnant, so she gets to have a baby and you know she's like oh I'm going to have

a baby it's going to be amazing Pamela Reed you guys should have another one a super nosy thing to say to anybody absolutely stay the fuck out of it don't suggest shit to anyone never never do anything never be like so when are you two going to have kids when you feel your brain doing that

then remember shut the fuck up that's right the answer to the shut the fuck up find your own fucking business it is none of your fucking business when two other people may may or may not have a child, shut the fuck up. Or if you're going to do that, you have to do it with everybody.

You should have a child. You should have a child. You should have a child. The thing is, oh, yeah, you know, well, my dad was a serial killer, and I'm just afraid to pass that on. Oh, but you'll learn to love it. Actually, my grandfather, the last name, Hitler, and we made a pact not to breathe. Oh, Arnold, it's only been a year now, and I got to tell you, I love getting pissed on by this kid.

I love getting pasted shit on by this kid. When it hits your lips, you're going to change your mind. But the last joke of the movies, Pamela Reid doesn't want to have another kid. She's like, I'm not going through that again. And everyone looks at Danny DeVito. And it's like, here we go again, the question mark. We'll see you next summer for Junior, too.

The DeVitoing. Junior, Jr., coming fall in 1998. Well, and the other thing, though, is like the creepiest part of the movie is yet to come. over the credits where Frank Sinatra's fucking under my skin is playing and you know it's just this fucking son of a bitch

crooning about I got you under my I think they thought it was funny but it's like Cronenbergian levels of terror it's gross you know that's like a romantic song about Arnold Schwarzenegger and the

demon baby inside him right that's what's under his skin and that's Ivan Reitman's Jr., ladies and gentlemen. It's a movie. Exhaustic. Terrible movie. It's a terrible movie.

So we have to start wrapping it up. Of course, we want to thank you all for coming out tonight. You have been totally awesome. Give yourselves another round of applause. Thank you guys. Big thanks to the Orange Peel. These folks have been great. Tip them bartenders.

Be nice to everybody. Awesome. awesome venue. But before we go, we always like to end a We Hate Movies show with just, you know, a little tip, a little bit of a notice about if you're on the internet and you're looking for the best, most

definitely non-insane film writing out there, the place you need to go is the IMDB user review section. Cahir's do lunatic. Yes. The old Tribune. So we got two for you this evening here. One's very

short and one is not. We'll start with a short one first. 10 out of 10 stars. You know what's funny about that is is Danny DeVita is very short and the other one's not. It's kind of why I went with this. Yeah.

Others are reviews are twins, you think? Yeah. Subject line. Interesting concept. Okay. Okay. Written by Bevo 13-678. Posted April the 3rd,

2020. we got ourselves a quarantine review I like that dude you should not it's a little unfair to tell anybody to hold up

what anyone was doing in April 2020 to the cold out of day no you're right it's nobody's business you're fresh off it honestly you found out March you're just starting this shit

totally but you know what you put it on the internet and I'm here to read it it's true because literally all it says is I like the bit how Arnold Schwarzenegger got pregnant I like that bit too

That's it Good shit That's it You know what? Concise Just getting right in there Exactly what I liked And you're getting the fuck out

Not too shabby So our other one here One out of ten stars Oh no Oh come on And I have to say You'll know why At the end of it

but I want to posit right now that this review may have been written from beyond the grave. Ooh. Nice. I like that. I like that. I never did that before.

I'm sitting on the simian. It's really important to figure stuff out at the end of the show. All right, all right. End the show. Okay, here we go. Subject line, never watch. written by Joseph Noah.

What do you know that guy? Oh, shit. Are you Joseph Noah? Oh, Joe, no. Oh, he's terrible. Oh, yeah, he's dad. Oh, honey, they're doing a Joseph Noah review. This is going to be terrible. It's my favorite film critic.

Okay. February the 10th, 2014. This person probably lamenting the fact he was alone on Valentine's Day coming up. Oh, no. Here we go. Come on. Okay, here we go.

Nine reasons to avoid this movie. Ooh. Paul, could we get a little music for a junior in here? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. All right, there we go. Number nine. It is deeply disturbing. Gotcha.

Number eight. It will give you nightmares for the rest of your life. Rest of your life? How does he know? I don't know. What do you know? Jesus Christ? I don't know. Let's get to the end of the review.

Maybe we'll find out. Life is short, Chris. Okay. Number seven, you'll never look at Arnold the same way again. Also true. Number six, your face may become permanently locked in a look of shocked disgust. Number five. Freddy's coming for you, or is that?

No, no, I don't know. I mixed it up. Number five. You may find yourself standing over your broken TV, wielding an axe you did not know you even owned. And you may find yourself standing over a TV. How did I get here? This is not my beautiful DVD.

This is not my Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. And the days go by, and you're watching, Jr. You may find yourself watching a pregnant, large Austrian. behind the wheel of a large automobile. With a tiny friend and a British wife. Hello. Oh.

Come flowing underground. Number four. You will need to see a psychiatrist at least once a week. Number three. So it's a new thing then. Yeah, a little new thing. Number three, Saddam Hussein's luggage.

Just trying to make it more letterman-esque That makes no sense Number three Your psychiatric bills will eventually make you poor Clearly this review is written by an American Number two When your psychiatrist realizes you are hopeless You will be admitted to a mental facility

Where you will spend your remaining days He's hanging too much on the psychiatrist This is now three or four now Well, don't worry, dude. Don't worry. We're about to wrap it up right now. Number one, you will eventually kill yourself. Wait for it.

Yeah. I know this because it all happened to me. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City. Thanks so much for hanging out, Asheville. We will see you all next time. Bye-bye. Thank you. That was a hate gum podcast.