We Hate Movies - S12 Ep607: Max Payne

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

On this week's episode, the guys are chatting about the incredibly dumb viddya game adaptation, Max Payne! How wild is it that he's a down-on-his-luck detective who also has dead family baggage—what are the odds? Why would anyone do this Valkyr drug recreationally? And how in the world does Beau Bridges not get the Credit Hammer at the top? PLUS: Get ready for the next big Nintendo craze, Super Mario's Hot-Hot Girls!  Max Payne stars Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Beau Bridges, Ludacris, Chris O'Donnell, Donal Logue, Amaury Nolasco, and Olga Kurylenko; directed by John Moore. Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on we hate movies well look at that it's another movie where people are constantly chugging blue liquid it's max pain i'm andrew jupin stephen sadak eric ciska major pain and we hate movies wrong movie what Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. We got another video game adaptation for you. It's John Moore's Max Payne from 2008. I got to say right up front. This dude, dreadful fucking film. You take a look at this shit. Flight of the Phoenix remake, Omen remake, Behind Enemy Lines, A Good Day to Die Hard, this, and something called IT with Pierce Brosnan Lookout.

I never saw the Oman remake, but the Flight of the Phoenix remake is uniquely terrible. That's very bad. The Omen remake is very bad. Both of those in theaters. Actually, saw behind enemy lines and theaters and a good day to die hard. I heard John Moore fanatic. I guess so. Whoops. His picture on letterboxed is hilarious, by the way.

He is like an American flag scarf, but it's not like the colors. It's like de great. It's like the cover of the Zach Snyder's Justice League. It's all like a white. It's really something. Look it up on letterbox. It's incredible. It looks like he's sweating through the oldies in this fucking picture.

I got to tell you. I will say if you asked me in 1999, if enemy at the gates is one of the best movies ever made I would probably say it was Oh behind enemy lines Okay so then I'm way wrong Okay so behind enemy lines

Was that Owen Wilson Yes Wow Behind enemy lines Wow And Gene Heckwood's like Oh we got to get him out of here Before I retire from filmmaking

Because this is getting pretty bad Kevin you were not kidding I don't know what is going on with this scarf He's got a tie on in this picture Now I got to look at shit up Post it to the chat. It's on my iPad. I can't do that.

I'll get it. Cabin, you do it. I mean, also what's crazy? This dude's an Irishman. Oh, that's nice. He kind of looks like, what's his face there? There's a bomb in Centennial Park.

Paul Walter Houser or actually what's the same? No, not Richard, Julie. Looks like Paul Walter has. Got it, got it, got it. That Oman remake, again, is just so bad. So totally fucking bad. Okay, I'm seeing the fun. now. Yeah, he's got the

stars draped over him there. It's a bit of a weird choice, especially for an Irishman. I mean, maybe it's just a scarf that has stars on. I don't like that anyway. Yeah, I don't know what. It's in a very specific pattern. The Irish likes stars, horseshoes, and balloons.

And honestly, that seems like it's a Tinder photograph that gets swiped the wrong way a lot. oh man so anyway this guy he saw Sin City and he loved it so much he wanted to make dim

city how long we working on that this afternoon I was after I watched the film I jotted that little number down and I was like I'm going to work that in the night Eric went to the comedy store for one joke Eric Zizka ladies a gentleman

Eric Liska you got any onesies what do you guys think about this dim city because it's not only a dark and grainy film right you know also the mood right but also Mark

Wahlberg's big dumb guy oh yeah that's also he's a big old moron yeah I would also say Eric you could also go with a dumbstantine would also be dumbstantine would also work 100%

yeah I wrote down of my notes you sir are no Constantine this movie because I mean not even close listen I've kind of been dancing around and don't tell me I don't I don't know why I can't tell you is I've been dancing around a constantine rewatch because it's a fun movie yeah and like after this definitely getting thrown on this week yes we should mention I believe the video game doesn't have this crazy supernatural element it's yeah but this isn't even a real super natural element anyway it's that's true. It's a hallucination. It's a shared hallucination, which doesn't make a ton of sense. And if it's special to the world, sure. But then you have to explain that to me a little bit. We put monster juice in the drugs by mistake.

I mean, I don't know, man. This is a movie about a fucking detective whose family is murdered. And he's trying to figure out why. And like a pharmaceutical company is involved. And like, that's all it should be. I don't need this Norse mythology. All the pharmaceutical stuff, I assume. has something to do with Resident Evil too

because also video game adaptation stuff. Well, we should say up front though then Chris because I mean like get this out of the way. Yeah, this is a video game. Did anybody play the game? I did. I definitely I don't know if I played I might have played both of them but I've definitely played at least one all the way through. I think in one of my sadder years I watched a buddy of mine

play it for a while. That was kind of fun. Yeah. I never. You're just hang out of a buddy's house. good beer. He's played a video game. Like, this is pretty cool. It came out like 2001. So I either played it like, I don't know, the summer before college or maybe freshman year being a real cool guy with my fucking tower PC. Yeah, I never touched this stuff. I saw a picture. Somebody showed me a picture. He looks in the video game like he's one of the Cuomo clan. Yeah. He's got that luck to him. He looks like a scuzzy like Guido kind of guy. Very much. Eric, do I recall

correctly he kind of talks like this oh no what's gonna happen to be max pain absolutely because we're trying to do I mean we're really trying to do that hard boiled like film noirish type of stuff the entire video game really relies on like voiceover narration of that guy who's right in this movie by the way James

McCaffery yeah that's right yeah he plays the FBI agent in this movie who gets like one second scene apparently was the voice actor for Max Payne in the game and it makes it makes sense like that you would do this for him too because like by this point well 2008

I think Rescue Me maybe it wasn't over but it was definitely drawing to a close so like he had been on TV sort of regularly for a while at this point in the world of like you know when we talk about video game adaptation we talk about this a lot which is like

when you're watching a tumor movie like well fuck I just kind of wish I was watching Indiana Jones because again it's it's the same thing where it's like oh let's make Indiana Jones the video game with the sexy lady this is like let's make a cool noir movie as a, you know, rock'em, sock a video game. And that's cool.

And it's like, yeah, what if we added fucking dark angels to it for some reason? I just don't even know. The drug of the game was called Valkyre, I believe. It was. And we know what's great about the video game, too. And they do do a scene or two of it in this movie is we were just saying, oh, you got to activate bullet time. Because remember the Matrix, everyone?

We got to do bullet time. Yeah. So everything slows down. you could shoot like, I don't know, more funnly. That's like there's a game out now that I was playing on Switch called, oh, fuck. I think the word hot is in the title. It's kind of like a shoot-em-up thing. The graphics are like very sort of like basic, but it's all that sort of like physics,

like slowing down time and hot, hot girls. You're talking about pornography, dude? Oh, fuck. Maybe I am. Great franchise. They got to put that on. out on Switch. Where's the port for

remaster that? It's not this, but it's like hot shot or something like that. I don't know. Super hot? Yes. Yeah,

there we go. Oh, okay. Super hot. Mario presents hot, hot girls. Oh, get over here, ladies.

Get kissing each other. What? Wah-hoo. Oh, we're all to get to canceled. Oh, no. Bowser stole our ladies, man.

The one thing. The one thing. The one thing. all the hot, hot girls. It makes sense for those girls to be undressed in Bowser's castle because he's got all those lavas in his house. I'm sorry, Mario, but your hot, hot girls are in another castle. I mean, Bowser is also, he's all about not wearing anything.

Like, he's a nudist, of course. He only has that collar. That's it. That color tells you everything you need to know. He's sex forward. He's very sex forward. Yeah, absolutely. So he's got like a big old turtle dick or something. Yeah, but it opens up and has to come out.

It's like the shape of water dick. Oh, did they show that dick? I got to rewatch it. They didn't see that. They explain it at some point. Ladies are attracted to the power though. You know, he is a king for sure. You know what I mean?

It's got like a James Gandalfidi build as well. You know what I mean? Yeah, but he's also super strong dude. So all these hot, hot girls, he's doing like those cool like standing 69s, you know? He's also, he's also, he's also. super strong in another way. This guy is not firing any blanks. He's got so many kids and they all have castles.

That's true. That dude has way too many kids. I think Bowser's fucking Irish in those games. And you know, tip off his shell. Very horny. Wrap it up, you fucking fat dragon. Jesus Christ. Wrap it up, you fat dragon. That's a t-shirt,

right? Oh, definitely. So one thing that I know was not in the video game was this subplot, the Manchurian candidate-esque subplot about the Marines and the super drug? Yeah, well, you know what, dude? I mean, that's just straight fucking, we're in the middle of the war in Afghanistan. Yes. I mean, we're commenting.

I was more surprised. I don't know if you guys have seen this like where, so he's like a detective, right? Yep. And then his wife gets murdered? Dude, could you believe it? I mean, like, detectives usually solve crimes for like things that Abidon. other people, right? That's what you expect. That's like getting home and opening your door and finding a podcast in your house. I would say that's almost too

personal, Steve, for you to be getting involved with. It's strange, but that he does do it though, because he has to, I guess, right? I know, and it was just so fucked up. Oh my God, they killed his wife. And dude, and his baby daughter, I've never seen that in the movie before. That was really. That fucking blew my mind. This is big time

the video game. I remember there was even like a, they're sort of not like full on hallucinations, but they were like dark dream levels or something where it's like you're running around this darkened house and you're hearing the baby cry forever and it's just like, okay. So they basically, I mean, they use

that like pseudo haunted house shit to like filter in this other stuff like all the fucking, I almost call them parodemons, but like these dalcaries or whatever, right? Because like if you got a dark house and there's a like lone baby crying somewhere in the darkness like creepy shit and then at that point

it's like well, why not some fucking evil angel things let's do it sure yeah because well the other why else are you doing this weird look like if it's just going to be a normal like oh a corrupt organization bow bridges killed my wife like if it's just going to be that like there's no real reason for this to look so stupid and like to look over stylized this way it's incredible that this movie is 08 in 07 uh Or was it also 08? No, I think it was 07. Whatever year

fucking Iron Man came out and Jeff Bridges is also playing a guy who knew the protagonist, his whole life as a trusted confidant and then also turns out to be crooked, just like Bo Bridges in this movie.

I think that's fantastic. I really have to know. I know it's the name. Iron Man's 08, by the way. So the same year the Bridges Bro is playing crooked favorites. Hey, well, look at us. We're playing crooked fucks, brother.

I just really need to know if they did they hire Bow Bridges because the name of the character was BB I think so because I really need to know Mark Wahlberg would just could only call him Bo Bridges okay I could shorten it to BB maybe that's how I'll remember

I'll remember you bro Mark his name is Carla no you know just BB's fine we'll just shoot those other we're going to have to reshoot those other scenes we're just going to have to shoot him I'm Mark and I'm M.M. He's Bo Bridges and he's Beebey. What's so fucking hard? I was so

curious about this because I assume that was the reason. That like has to be. It's just Marky, Mark, didn't know what to say. He had to say BB for Bo Bridges, but apparently it was a character in the game, but a completely kind of different character was like a cricket

DEA agent. Well, it's the same character because they take the DEA thing kind of out of this. He's just the security head for the evil corporation. right the big pharma place aries or whatever it's called and so but in the in both this and the other one in the video game he's like the the father figure and he was the former partner of his of herald pain or whoever his father is that's he was that in this movie too yeah yeah they both that's the one thing that keeps but the DEA thing I don't think is anywhere in this oh no it's not DEA I think he's supposed to be like a beat cop it was a weird I was having trouble being like so you were a cop and now you work for you for this pharmaceutical agency, but yeah, I guess if he's like

the head of security for that, sure. It's just an odd career transition for BB. Absolutely. And I kept on thinking, I'll be, it's a throwback,

but I, every time the word BB, and the name BB is said a lot in this movie. It is. Every time I thought about, uh, uh,

what's a deadly friend? I, every time, every time I was like, I was like, oh, is the fucking little monster going to come,

the robot monster going to come around the corner? Speaking of the little monster coming, I kept thinking about Netanyahu. I just kept thinking of Netanyahu. So did Max Payne? We have to kill your wife, if you understand. She said something nice about Palestinians. So she must be killed now, now, now.

Max Payne is my favorite video game. When I first heard BB8 from Star Wars, I thought they were talking about Netanyahu's final term. Ken? They kept reluctant that guy. So this thing starts out with Max Payne floating in the water I don't believe in heaven I believe in pain and fear and death

There's armies of bodies in the river I mean I think that last line There's armies of bodies in this river is pretty cool I do like the visual of him floating And there's all these other corpses like At least you don't got it like we do Join us down here Have a beer

It's actual armies of people Yeah it's all the test subjects from the army that died on Valkyreary or whatever and they threw him in the water. That's Bo Bridges' fucking dumping ground. I was half waiting for him

to start saying, so here's me. I was banging this old actress. And then some former director was also telling me I should leave, but I didn't.

So I got shots. Oh shit, von Stroheim, bro. Von what? Von Dutch? Yeah, I love that shit. I would bet. I would bet.

everything that I have that Mark Wahlberg has never heard of Eric von Stroheim No doubt about it But he has rocked no fewer than 20 Van Dutch hats Yes absolutely Oh Eric von Stroheim

The Hat guy He's famous I this movie And it's especially when it starts to get going Speaking of Von Dutch and douchebags It feels like a fake movie from the entourage universe It does Remember that

I am Queen's bulletin That Jekylland Hyde movie he makes In the entourage movie It's probably better than Max Payne Probably the Escobar 1-2 probably I would imagine Oh, Mettie Ian bro I'm talking about Mettie Ian The um

Is Vince gonna do Max Payne and not Uh Not actually Sorry about that I noticed when he This is kind of an interesting thing. So we're talking about the Bridges Brothers a second ago. A thing I observed

last night watching this, he's floating in this water right, and he's there and he's like clearly it's Mark Wahlberg like in a tank and he's holding his breath and shit. When Mark Wahlberg is underwater, like totally underwater, right? He looks exactly like Donnie Wahlberg.

Which is to say that Donnie Wahlberg is a water larded Mark that's accurate. That seems about right. if they ever need you know him to play like a like if they ever have to show Mark Wahlberg as a corpse just pull in Donnie yep exactly

just like splash a bucket of water on him you'll believe that's Mark Wahlberg's dead body honestly and Jenny McCarthy seems like a perfect samalcrum of all of the women that Mark Wahlberg has knocked up or given a venereal disease too well not anymore my friend he's found Jesus

so you should just fuck right off hold on a second I'm not going. I'll stop that. Mark found Jesus. Oh, yeah, man. Where was he? Bend over and I'll show you. He was at the garden. Well, he's doing, he's got some new movie where he's playing a priest, too. Is it like a, a violent priest of some nature? Yes. It actually is. Dude, it's a fucking, he's a, it's a, it's called Father's Stu.

And he plays a boxer who becomes a priest for some reason. And Mel, you know who's in it? Mighty Mel Gibson's also in it. Oh, yes. Yes. That's what you want. The Catholics are coming out tonight. He's a killer priest. No, I think he's just another guy like who's like, oh, how could you be a priest? Or I guess he's just dad maybe. They have the same last name.

Now we're the cast. Oh, no. Or brother possibly. Mel Gibson cannot play Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, that's a good way. That would be very funny if it did have. But I heard the last thing I heard from all Marky Wahlberg was that he was. definitely going to do. This is what I thought you met when he became a Christian. He's going

to do the Bill Belichick biopic. Oh, nice. Finally get his Oscar. That's how he would get it. I mean, come on. Better start eating. Joke Oscar. Do it. He's, he's playing Bill Belichick? He wants to eat. That was the last thing he says, like, look out. Bill Belichick, a biopic, me coming. Is Bill Bill Belich? I was it Bill Biopic. I said Bill Biopic. Is Bill Belichick famously Christian? I don't know. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's Mark Wahlberg, what the, but it's the Pats, baby. Yeah, it's a faith. I mean, it's a faith that's unto itself.

Yeah, I mean, that's, that would be something you would call it chicken wing the movie. So whatever and like, we kind of flash back to a very meaningless thing which is like Max Payne works the cold cases and that's all he does and

there's this guy like, this guy's like if you end up here, you're a piece of shit just like Max Payne. Right, he's showing this, this fellow around. And I'm like, okay, so this guy's going to be a character in the movie. He's going to be our conduit. He's going to be our eyes as the audience. No, he's just gone.

Well, it's funny. He's a black gentleman. And like, it's like, he asks like Mark Wahlberg, like, hey man, you want to get a beer. And he doesn't even say anything to him. And he's like, yeah, Max doesn't go out much. I'm like, nah, if you were white, he'd probably go out with you. Oh, yeah, Max Payne. Yeah.

I buy that with Max Payne. The funny thing, too, is this other, this like egg-shaped, gentleman that's showing the new guy around like it's not just like Walberg's down here he's like if you're down here with us kid it means you fucked up something bad we all got shit we're trying to repent for

or whatever and then the guy's like prodding and prodding and prodding like yeah how did Max get down here blah blah blah and the guy's like finally had it enough and he's like look his wife and kid were moited because we should say this is this is a New York City set motion picture

filmed exclusively in Toronto. So you got fucking Canadians up and down this cast. Props, though, for them filming a lot of it outside on location. Because look, it looks better than a Marvel movie in that regard. Sorry. But yeah, he's like, yeah, there's a ground

and sky that you can see sometimes. Real fucking buildings they're standing in front of them. They do love this flurries of snow, which I was like, is this CG? Oh, dude, some of the worst fake snow I've ever seen in this movie. Yeah. There's a scene where, like, someone opens a window, or it's where it's like Max Payne raids, I mean, we'll get to any raids, like Donald Logue's office at the police station, and then, like, jumps out the window. And when they break the door down, it's like, oh, he got away. And there is, like, shredded pieces of paper flying through the window.

It looks terrible. Because it's, like, big enormous flakes of snow, the entire film. Yeah. Well, there's that shot where Lupino, the one of the bigger village, is, like, outside. naked and it's definitely supposed to be like a Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner's shot. Sure. The snow coming down and him like hanging off some

balcony somewhere. This dude's doing a lot of looking off balconies in this movie. It's kind of like his main function. But we see a little bit of like what Max Payne's getting into here after hours and of course it's your thing of like yeah he's riding this desk during you know

work time but he is still investigating you know trying to solve his family's murder so he's like walking in the subway like baiting tweakers to mug him so you can get information from them. Yeah and I mean the funny thing is like what we find out is that his family was murdered

three years ago and only through the events of this film does he start being like yo maybe I should check out where she worked he's just like going into alleyways beating up fucking meth heads hoping to get information for three years. Yeah you're not wrong dude

It's like how good of a detective is Max Payne in the first place? He's a terrible detective. I mean, if you meet Chris O'Donnell and you trust him, immediately get out of the door. Get the fuck out of here. He's evil. Look at this man. Yeah. I got to tell you, man, he's too old for it now.

I said this last son in the group chat. He's too old for it now. But if you got Chris O'Donnell back then, maybe a couple years younger, but I think, oh, wait, O'Donnell still could have done it. He could play that total rat fuck Matt Gap. Looks exactly like him in this movie. If you gave Chris O'Donnell, Matt Gats a stupid fucking Beavis and Butthead haircut.

You mean, that guy's going to eventually be president, so maybe he could play him like as an older. The problem is, is that I don't know how you quagmire a jaw like that. Like, that's what you need to do. Chris O'Donnell would have to let out his jaw by about two to three inches to get a Mac Gates. Oh, man.

So when you were talking about, meant like she's she's trying to get these uh these users to fight him in this subway station he then goes to the subway bathroom a fictional thing we would all love to use totally a new york city yeah a new york city subway bathroom in 2008 get out of here fantasy film it does they don't exist anymore there's more realistic shit in lord of the rings it's absolutely true one of those talking trees i could see that happening before a a new york city subway restroom reopened Swords and shields are made every day. Let's just be honest.

And what is Ghalm, if not just a fentanyl attic? Right? That's true. His precious is the fent. And the Mount Doom is the toilet you flush the drugs down. So he's beating the shit out of these dudes. And one guy gets away, but like he's high

on this stupid drug. So all these evil angels are bothering him. and like he just gets hit by a subway which is pretty cool. You better believe I rewind that scene saying what the fuck just happened because I never saw this movie and I didn't play the game that much

but I was like hold on what's happening in this week these gobobiles are like coming down from the sky scratching at this guy that he gets by a train and I'm like I guess it was hallucination and I could just put that to bed

but they keep coming back Mamma me one of my hot hot girls was taken by a gobolid Oh, it's a hot to hot to goblin They took him a hot to hot to girl Man this drug Talk about a Mario party

Get some hot hot girls in there Now we're talking Sure totally That might be the smash brothers then Oh my Lord in heaven This fucking drug shit is pretty stupid So these guys don't seem like That they were in the army

And being officially tested on So I guess our we come to find that Marine Corps like Sergeant who's now hanging out in a nightclub he has like zero time in this movie be cool to develop maybe sure the villain at all

yeah it's a weird thing where like this whole movie this guy Lupino is like the fake villain because Bo Bridges is the real villain so what you do learn in in the end of the movie though is that Bo Bridges is it's like something something yeah we just put the drug

out on the streets and I was like the fuck did you do that for it's limited it's like quailudes or something like you know they're not going to keep making this stuff even at the at a part at the party they show some blonde woman like just kind of like taking some of it like all these like demons come out just like oh this sucks and i'm like yeah dude you wouldn't take the stroke twice it's it's thank you it's such a stupid we could just get right into it max pain goes to a party uh at this dude trevor's house who's like some old informant guy and he's walking around and over and yeah there's this

one part where like the movie like continues on but the camera stays in this room to watch this girl do this drug and she's like so hip to take it and then yeah like she lays she lays back on the bed like you just have a you know a killer hit of something you know

and you're ready for it to kick in and then it's just like whoa and she's like oh no what the fuck it is a one and done drug later in the movie they suggest like the whole thing was that it was a combat drug. Sure. And like when you see the interview

with Lupino before he became a psycho, he's just like I just feel like nothing could touch me. I feel so great. I'm like, where the fuck is that feeling? Anywhere and anybody else except this guy. That's that's another fucking blinking. You miss it line though, Chris, because he's like

again, I think it's fucking Bow Bridges is like, yeah, like the people we gave it to, like the vast majority of them freak the fuck out. But like a few people here and there, it did what it was intended to do. So it's like Lupino and then maybe a few other dudes, but everyone else has totally adverse effects, it's including Max Payne. They are warriors, you know, that dude. So it's like this Nazi crank developed for that kind of guy specifically.

It'd be cool if you knew a buddy who was like addicted to this drug. And like every time he's just like, oh man, I was watching Ocean's 11 last night. I fucking hate when all those demons showed up in Ocean's 11. I was like, dude, you got to get off that drug, man. It's not in the movie. Man, that was so fucked up on the blue stuff last night. I was watching Constantine, and it was totally fine. You can't, like, try to follow it at all.

Like, literally when Olga, like, he meets Olga Kurlenko. Curlenko, yeah. He meets her at this thing. And her whole thing, she keeps on saying, is like, oh, I need the drug to keep the demons away. That's how they stay away. Okay. And I'm like, okay. So nothing makes sense.

fantastic. Olga Kirillinko, objection, Your Honor, she gets the hammer in this movie and Parlin's, the hammer is who gets the end and the credits. That's got to be Bo Bridges. Yeah, of course. Stunny.

He's just like third build. I'm like, no, no, no, no. If he's in the movie this much and he's kind of the secret villain, it's and Bo Bridges and everyone goes home happy. Maybe I could see an argument for Chris O'Donnell if he was a character. Yes, exactly. It's not a character. Therefore, it doesn't make sense.

Yeah, Uncle Kerolenko playing a creatively named character at Natasha. And she comes up to this movie all wasted. And she's like, I thought I knew all of Max's friends. It is a hilarious delivery here. Yes, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I only get hard for my dead wife. You're barking up the wrong tree. yeah masturbate to old videotapes of old birthdays we had for the baby yeah i gotta fast forward i gotta fast forward through all the parts where it's just the baby on screen

shows wore a hot dress on those birthdays you know man his fantasies about his family and later on when he's like thinking he's gonna go meet them and be in heaven again i want to ask you guys your thoughts on this now if you have a baby in heaven does that you know not like birthed in heaven, but your baby dies, it goes to heaven. Does it grow up? Can you go up there and hang out? Like, there's a great question. I think it becomes a baby ghost for sure for a little while at least. But then that's like, it's just babies are so dependent on you and a baby ghost, one that won't die and go away if you don't take care of it. Like that sounds like a nightmare. Well, the baby ghost problem is that we are seeing less and less castles being built

in this modern day. And we need more castles for baby ghosts. They don't do well in apartments. I'll be honest. They just don't, they don't seem to really flourish there. Like the movie Baby Ghosts starring Joe Estavis. What? There is a movie called Baby Ghost,

and I know it was done in Rift Tracks, but I watched me a decade ago. It is an insane Joe Estavis movie where there is a baby ghost haunting an apartment building, and it's got a great theme song that goes, I'm a baby ghost. Now I'm free.

Do da, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Yeah, it's, it's, This VHS cover, whatever, looks amazing. Yeah, my wife and I found it like a 1am one night. And like, again, this is years before Rift Tracks did it. And it changed my life. It is the most boring, bad movie you'll ever watch though. But I thought you were going to say that time you experienced a baby ghost in your old place in Brooklyn, Steve.

Oh, yeah, that was just, I think that was just something a baby ghost experience. Please walk us through your haunted. No, I think it was just a vet, but it was just like every night at like midnight, there would be, like a wailing through coming through my vents and I'm like that's fucking creepy Max Payne. I was kind of I was kind of Max Payne. Another

actor who I think is pretty good that's totally wasted in this movie is Milakunis. She is Natasha's sister and is also something something very powerful crime boss. Absolutely. You got it dead on right there. Question mark.

Don't need any more explanation. What are you talking about? You don't need no. It's just a heavily involved mafia playing Mona Sacks in my notes I have is she terrible because that's the problem with I think Milakounis is really

specifically like really good and good things and really bad and bad things and I don't it's she's one of those actresses and that's fine comedies yes comedies she's great and she's good in Black Swan too yeah I think she's very funny but also like watching this like I would watch

her do some kind of like John Wick like if she was casting that fourth John Wick as something because like she is like very natural with the gun play and shit like it was all working but like it's just not a character

and at this point I mean it's 2008 like she was as big as she's ever been and it's just like you're in this movie for two seconds literally the movie abandons her she shows up impossibly in the final action sequence she shows up and then vanishes just as quickly Yeah, she really does.

It's great. She like takes out Beau Bridges number two who you didn't realize was a character until they really amp him up you're like, okay?

Yeah, it's kind of, it's a real hey, whatever screenplay. Hey, whatever. And so, uh, yeah,

Mona Sacks is all pissed off that her sister Natasha Sacks is at this party. Seems like there's been some sort of sobriety issues here. Sure. Something, something.

So that's one Mona Sacks and one, Nat Sacks. That's right. It's just such a name. Sacks. Yeah. It's got to be like a shortened thing because they're both supposed to be like Russian in this movie. Sex. Sanova or something. Oh, so in this party, we also meet Trevor, one of his lowly guys. I only notice this guy because he's played by Andrew Friedman, who is the pervert uncle from

capturing the Friedman's. Yes, actually. That was a pervert dad and son. I think they captured that guy. He wasn't able to be in movies anymore. No more computer courses for that, Bozo. Was it before 2008, though, Steve? That's the question.

That's a great question. No, from, it's always sunny in Philadelphia. Charlie Dave's a weirdo uncle who's like rubbing his thighs. Oh, Uncle Jack. Yeah. I love that guy. Good on. This dude's been in a ton of shit.

But yeah, I was like, oh, Uncle Jack. That's appropriate. Yeah, and he's just another guy that kind comes to nothing. He was a former Max Payne informant, we're told, as the idea there. But this is the scene where he follows Natasha into this back room.

She gets high on the blue powder drug. And Mark Wahlberg here is noticing like there's all these people with wing tattoos including this guy Lupino. What's that about, bro? Whoa, look at that only one wing. That's fucked up. How are you going to fly away with just one?

Stupid tattoo, bro. I may be, I may actually adjust my detective strategy of beating up random homeless people, which is what I've been doing for three years. I suppose I can stop beating up the homeless and follow a lead. Why not? Yeah, Eric Adams, take note. Man, that guy. Fucking rank choice voting.

Fuck you, New York City. But so like, she goes back with him and he's like trying to get information. out of her I guess is the idea and this is when she's like I'll have sex with you and he's like no bro you're not my dead wife my beautiful angel dead wife dude the funny thing is though

she doesn't know that it's a dead wife situation and she's just like oh yes it's just someone who broke your heart and not here anymore how about I be her you close your eyes and fuck me and I be her for you and I was like lady this is the dead wife you're talking about

he's going to get pissed about this. At John Morris camera, I mean, it is about as a tasteful as Al Bundy. It's just like, take a good look, Costanza, every fucking, every turn, every cut for as soon as she enters the fucking frame.

There is, though, a really like, you are embarrassing yourself by trying to do this shot, but also keep it PG-13, because she takes everything off except her underwear and she lays down in the bed, like, you know, in reality

she'd be laying there just topless like let's fucking do this but she's just got like the part of the under sheet of the bed just draped over her. It's like a pillowcase. It's so weird. I was like you fucking undid the bed just to do, like you

unmade the bed just to do this. She sees like Max Payne and it's like she sees what zero pussy does to a motherfucker so she's trying to help him. She's trying. I guess that's true. But listen, I don't know how horny you can get

when you're with someone who's hepped up on Scarecrow's Fear Toxin. Like, I'm fucking a devil angel or whatever. Yeah, this is awesome. This is great. I mean, fucking a Valkyrie, bro. I don't know.

I would feel pretty, I'd get, my ego would be boosted pretty well if a woman was like, I'm seeing demons. I'm seeing angels. Yeah, dude. I'm seeing a fire above me. Your life's flashing before your eyes as we're getting in there.

I mean, I don't know, Chris, like, yeah, you're, you're fucking doing the deed. And if it's like, oh, I'm seeing heaven, I guess that's one thing. But if the screams are, oh, I'm seeing demons, that's not a great response. I don't know, man. I mean, some people might be into that. Yeah, I think Chris is on to something. The burned angels, you know, just everybody likes the feathery type. That's true.

Ash and the burn. Walbert gets in a great line here. And it's something I've always wanted to yell at somebody, but he's, He's trying to get her out of the apartment. Like, she's kind of not, she's like, wait a minute. Seriously, you don't want to fuck me? This is the first time this has ever happened to me. And he's like, get your shit and get out.

And I'm like, oh, man, get your shit and get out. Great thing to say to somebody. And I guess she steals his wallet, even though, I don't know, she's like a mob boss of some kind. I mean, I guess I don't know. Fuck this guy. This guy, you know. Yeah, true. He's now bruising her ego.

Yes, yes, I am loaded. I don't need the money. but hey, hey, hey, look at him trying to use bank card tomorrow morning. Fucking loser widow. He is kind of a loser widow, to be quite honest. I think that's a widower, by the way. But she just gets got by Lupino here. I mean, I think we see more of these demon things.

And again, I'm watching this movie because it's not explained just yet. I'm like, are these things real? Because if these things are real, and I'm like kind of just like, gripping the back of my couch gonna break it for five seconds like totally it was a thing where I'm watching it and I was like I was like I had the text drafted to you guys

like some sort of like are they fucking serious just in case these things turned out to be real but so whatever she's dead the next day but why again like why why was she killed why what's his motivation to kill her

that's a great question he doesn't make any sense yeah he doesn't make any sense. They say that he's making an army at some point. And I'm like, what is he doing? And then like that goes nowhere. However, like is Bo Bridges telling him, oh, you got to kill this girl. Frameback Spade. Probably not. See, there's no plot to this. There's no like, what is this dude who's got this nightclub full of this Valker drug? What is his end game? What is he doing? Why is he doing any of this shit? I don't know. It seems like, I mean, I hadn't thought about it, Steve, but I think of the notion of like

and again, the movie doesn't say this, so it's just speculative but like that seems like the best motivation for why Lupino would kill her is to do this like framing of Max Payne but you know, because Bro. Bridges is like, uh-oh, he finally

thought about maybe investigating his wife's job. Oh fuck. Here's the report. Max Payne Max Payne beat up six homeless people last night. Excellent news. Every day, he's just excited because he's just on the entirely wrong track. Things are looking up.

Gotta say. Couldn't be the healthcare industry, bro. I mean, they're heroes. They're saving lives every day. That's right. They are. We should talk about the... Did anyone else notice that the blue medicine, which, by the way, is not injected,

which is kind of cowardly. You just drink it. It looks very much like the blue liquid used in maxi pad commercials. You know what I mean? To show absorbency. Yep. Oh, my God. Absolutely.

100% correct. I didn't think about that until right now. And I'll tell you, I've always kind of wanted to drink that blue. Well, that you'll see fucking dragons and shit. But here's the thing, here's the thing. Great point about not injecting it, right?

It's ingest to get it going. But then why? Oh, why? Later in the movie, when they go to this dude, like whatever Green, John Green, or whatever, he and Milakuna's go to find Owen Green. They go to find this dude and he's in some fucking tweaker pad or whatever.

It looked like the beginning of Denzel and Lithgow, what's that movie? A ricochet. Yeah, where they go in that, like the drug den house and ricochet. Kind of reminded me of that. Yeah. The dude has, and I guess it's just like, so he's doing this stuff, but also

maybe, you know, pushing needle drugs also because, like, he holds up his arm and he's got the wing tattoo, like Mark Wahlberg notices the wing tattoo again. And there's track marks all over his arm. So I was like, are you also? shooting this shit? Or is that it's a separate drug addiction? He probably wanted heroin to come down from all these fucking

rabid demons and shit, dude. I guess that's true. That's true. And now to Steve's point, I mean, you know, huff in a maxi pad, that could be an interesting drug for sure. Oh, yeah. I think they did that in the 70s. They do a lot of things in the 70s. I'm a toughest nails detective. My name is Max Pad.

You could call me Maxie. My friends do. Tampon squad We keep shooting this guy But he's not bleeding What the fuck? It's like something's absorbing the blood It's awful

Oh no, it's good So whatever The next morning Max Payne meets up With Donald Logge Again another dude I'm like oh fuck yeah Donald Logge in this movie For eight seconds

He's playing Alex Balder An old partner of Max Paines They had falling out because Max Payne basically felt like this dude wasn't working his dead wife's case hard enough. Yeah, because probably Alex was being like, it's definitely B-V and the corporation, they 100%

did this, they have the power, they have the means, she probably, she probably fucking saw something she said, you're not doing it enough, bro. There's no way. It's got to be some junkies, bro. No, they are a pharmaceutical company. Do no harm. It's like, what is this guy, care. I mean, you're not going to bring her back. Like, whatever at this point.

Three years, I say, you know, let's sleeping dogs lie. That's my opinion. And Max Payne, if you're still sore about it, time for the urn, dude. Yeah, go join them. You piece of shit. Why don't you raise a baby in heaven? No, yeah, it definitely can't be a doctor, bro. They take the hypocrites oath. They sure fucking do. Raise a baby in heaven. Wasn't that that that fucking shithead Eric Clapton's song? Oh, yeah, because his, his kid made a leap of faith there. This kid was like, oh, fuck, my dad is Eric Clapton. So, yeah, he's just like, hey, listen, man, we, you got to come with me.

There's something I need you to take a look at. They go to where Olga has been laid out in the alley, and he's like, hey, so your fucking wallet is on this dead girl. What's going on here? And the dead girl is in pieces, and no one can even recognize her at first. I think Max Payne identifies her by the tattoo. Yes. That's my favorite metal band, bro.

She's the same ink. I went to the At the Gates show with her, bro. I mean, yeah, exactly. This is 2008. This is very, very popular. What is also crazy? Oh, shit, dude. I saw had a Glass Chaw show last night.

But that fucking tattoo, I mean, what did we come to find Donald Logan has found or whatever? It's like, this girl's got the same tattoo as your, you know and it's like why would like so your wife just comes home with a mystery tattoo and is the pharmaceutical company putting that on her? Is she how involved? No no no no no the wife didn't

have it but Donald Logge is looking at the crime scene photos again because he has seen the wing tattoo and Olga Kirillenko and he's like where have I seen that before and he's looking through the crime scene photos when the when Walberg or when Max Payne like found the wife dead there was like

that dude there was like a couple the dude still in the apartment and he murdered one of them. Right. And that he finds the photo and that guy, the dead assassin had the tattoo. Yeah, because he, well the photo, see, this is the, it's a visual

medium. So he's got a photo of, I guess, that guy's arm. And it's circled and it says just like Michelle. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, so she had that tattoo as well. This is an image conveying something to me. No, no, he just played bass and pig destroy.

I mean, also, like, what a lame thing to do. It's like getting a cannabis leaf tattooed on you, man. It's just like, yeah, dude, I love weed. It's like, I know. Yeah. But if anyone listening has that, I think it's quite cool. It's very cool if you have it. So Donald Logue is quickly dispatched.

Is he, is, is, do we, does Max Payne comes and finds his body? Is his, is he decapitated? I think his throat is cut. That sounds right. And that's, yeah. And that's the problem. This movie is PG-13. let's just do the R for well I guess because I mean literally because it's video game adaptation you want as many like 14 year old boys to show up and see this movie as possible yeah however came out seven years prior I think those kids are old enough to see an R rated movie and it's just it's just so funny man because it's like you know I mean we still the film industry Hems and haws over getting a PG 13 over an R anyway and like I got news for you in 2008 just as it was just as it is now in 20.

22, nobody gives a fuck about film ratings. Like, you rate this movie are kids under 17 that want to see it, we'll fucking find a way to see it. Like, a parent is not going to give a shit. Like, the whole rate, it's just bunk. It's just fucking bunk. Yeah, there's definitely been at least one kid out there who got on the apps, their parents' TV, and it's just going through and go on shutter and somehow watch most of society. Oh, sure. And they shut. That's definitely happened.

they should. It's society on... I actually changed my settings to MA on Disney Plus. Could I now watch Society or... Yes, Disney Plus is now presenting the shunting in all its uncensored glory. Oh, no.

Our cut. Oh, no. I opened the porthole to the society universe. This is going to be bad. Dude, if it was just Benedict Cumberbatch's face on a fucking ass, oh yeah. Oh, yeah.

I hate to go up my own ass or anything like that. You know, you help one little teenager with an incredibly small problem and now all of a sudden my face is on an ass Oh man, like the fuck hell universe that would be great to explore. Oh, so yeah, so yeah,

he finds Donald Logue dead and then he's like, oh wait a minute is that my ex-partner dead on my own house? Oh, oh, oh, oh! And then like some dude just starts beating the shit out of him. And this is, I have to say, like yeah, PG-13 rating

but like he gets his ass handed to him. in this house fight and it's kind of awesome it is it rules I wrote it down like this is my favorite part of the movie obviously it just really get this shit kicked out of him and so he wakes up in the hospital and this is so funny because like

I wasn't really super looking at the opening credit so I didn't even notice like Bowbridge's name at the top and so like they cut and he wakes up in the hospital bed and it just like kind of cuts farther out and you see who's sitting next to him and it's just like bam bow bridges yeah

and the most sins city part of this whole movie is his hair this hair. Bo Bridge's hair? Yeah Bowbridge's hair looks like it was a portal from the Sam Ramey Spider-Man. It was just like it's so cartoonish in this fucking thing. I mean

the saturated color also but like man this like took me by surprise. And so we get a thing just a quick cut in like this is the movie I got to say I rarely I rarely figure things out way in advance. But like, I called this movie

from like, this next shot. Chris O'Donnell's like reading a newspaper and it's like brutal murder in Harlem, drug dealer suspected. And he's like, go. And then like goes and like shows this old lady who's

like evilly sitting in a limousine and she's like, well, I'll have to do something about this. And I was like, all right. So the pharmaceutical company's crooked. They killed his wife. Got it. Oh, what's that fucking almost an hour and a half left? perfect. And the second you see Bo Bridges, like, well, he's in on it. Like, not even,

I mean, it doesn't even, I don't even know what, like, you know what I mean, it's just like law and order rules. Like, you got Bro Bridges, he has to be. Yeah. Who could also, who else could possibly be in? Exactly. He's the only star left. Unless like Milakunis actually somehow was like, you double back and like, oh,

she's like, oh, no, I killed my own sister for some reason. Or maybe we find out here's the other star in this movie. So Mark Wahlberg insists on going to Alex's funeral, even though everybody is certain he killed him. He's in the hospital from that altercation or whatever and

all right. You're going to stop by the office and picking up a fucking shirt for the great funeral we're going to. It's nary seven hours later that they're putting the suit in the ground. And literally everybody, like, people who don't know him are like, you know, he killed his partner, you know, that's it. You know, that's it. You're not bad. Yeah. And like, everybody's doing it. So he

goes to this funeral. I love this part. And Nellie for pop singer Nelly Furtado. Could not believe it. Brings down the house chewing him out. Oh, it's great. This is the, you said the beating up is the best scene. This to me, this dressing down is so wonderful. For me, the end credits. The uncredits. Also, a wonderful moment. Actually, no, it's great because he goes, I mean, like, but first he goes up, she was like, Krista. And he's like, kind of say, I'm sorry for you lost. She slaps him. And then someone the backer goes, Jesus.

And then she like gives him the business. Like I can't believe blah, blah, blah. You know, he, and it's not even like she thinks she killed him, but it's more like you weren't his friend anymore. Like you always gave him shit about your dumb dead wife. You piece of shit, Max Payne and fucking hate him guts. She's like, you made him think he hadn't done enough. And he felt fucking horrible guilt over the murder of the family and everything.

And then dude, this was the nuclear fucking button here. she goes, and what is Max Payne done except bring misery to everyone who ever can for him? And I was like, fucking touchdown Nelly for Tito. Jesus. I got that again. Oh, Jesus.

It would be awesome if you fucking looked at the credits on IMDV and it's just like whoever the fuck has guy who says Jesus at wake. Because that should be credited, that delivery. Absolutely. I honestly, hit back for every time someone gets hit by a shotgun shell goes flying.

Jesus! Which happens a lot. The shotgun, man, the shotgun impact physics in this movie are kind of great. They're fun. Bullet time. Always a shotgun fan. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah.

This is when I yelled out, what? In my own home, which is him and Bo Bridges leaving. He gets kicked out of his best friend's funeral. Kind of a rough week for Max Payne. And on his way out, a car pulls up and Chris Ludacris Bridges gets out

and it's like you're coming with me Max Payne I'm internal affairs I'm like no you're not no you're not you're gonna you're gonna use a computer to steal his car some shit you're from the Fast and Furious franchise thank you because there's a couple he's fun in the Fast and Furious movies

that's fine he's a fun rapper the thing is like I believe him as a rapper I believe him as a car thief I believe him as like as even a comic release guy. I'll believe him as a best by shift change manager. I'll buy that. Internal Affairs? No, sir. No, ma'am.

Everyone signed up for this, I guess, because they thought this was going to be like a big franchise. Sure, yes. I didn't notice this. I read this on Wikipedia afterwards and I didn't have time to go back before we started, but apparently there's even a post credit scene in this. Oh, you better believe it. We'll save it, but

fucking help. They really thought they had something here. Michael Keaton comes in. He's like, What am I doing in this universe? Weird. Hey, Hey, Max Payne, you want to go fight Spider-Man?

I was a donkey shit. I was just in another cell. Now I'm in another cell. Pretty useless, huh? See you guys next time. Well, that's like, you know, like, Nelly Furtado must have, like,

fired her management after this. Oh, sure. You told me to get into movies because it would make me popular. I could have just done a fucking horror movie, and you had me in this shit. Well, that's, I didn't, I didn't look it up, but has she done much else

acting? Because I got to say, she's actually pretty good. Yeah, she gives the business. She gives it the business. It's good. Look now. So, oh, man, I got to say, it wasn't my favorite part of the movie. I will 100% point that out when we get to it. Because it's one of the greatest things I've ever seen Mark Wahlberg do. I called it. I was like, oh, that's the part Andrew's

talking about it. And you're right. But, dude, I had a massive LOL when they are, so ludicrous is like, all right, like, we're going to go downtown to the IAB office and I got to talk you about this. He shows him a crime scene photo of Donald Logue

and the expression on Donald Logue's face is fucking hilarious. It is like, like, it's as if someone, uh, threw you a surprise party and the second, like everyone yelled surprise, someone slashed your three. Because he, because the look on his face is like, hey

what? Like it's just they really needed to do like a couple of options. Maybe like one that looks a little less totally funny. No, yeah. It's like, it's like if there was an S&L sketch, he was scared to death. You're totally right. That's exactly right.

I mean, it's just, it's a hilarious reaction to having your throat cut. Kind of love it. But, oh, so, yeah, I'll go ahead. No, no, whatever. Like, he just basically tells this guy to go fuck himself. He's going to get his union lawyer. Like, that's kind of it. And, like, the ludicrous thread goes nowhere.

Sure does not go anywhere. I do have to point out that his name is Jim Bravera. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm like, just call him Johnny Bravo. Just get it over with. Just fucking break the fucking, you know, get into trouble legally. Just do it.

It also would be hilarious if Ludacris just shows up in this movie. He's got the Johnny Bravo haircut. Yeah. Why not? Fuck it. Doing a bad Elvis impersonation. I'm happy with all this. He'd be better in the role of Johnny Bravo. Then she would be in this movie. We should do Johnny Bravo on AD.

It's been a long time. Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, yeah. I'm going to watch that cartoon in the long time. I'm sure he's a problematic phase. He might get canceled. Mm-hmm. Which is definitely a real thing. So look after that. So he goes to the fucking police department and all these homicide cops are like,

what is this fucking piece of shit doing here? And he's like walking through. And everybody's like spitting on him and hissing like fucking. Jesus carrying the cross in the street, man. Everyone's just giving this guy the business. And he fucking runs into the office. And this is where he finds the photo that's like same as Michelle question mark. Is this where he also gets a little brief encounter with.

Oh, yeah. Dean Sanchez from the stalked by my doctor Colin the patient's revenge movie, which is our Patreon offering on once of a lifetime this month on Patreon.com slash weA movies. Now, Eric, can I ask you, is Dean, Sanchez also known as Dean the golden shoulder Sanchez because the fucking wailing he does on this fucking door.

Oh yes. Yeah. Oh yeah. He's incredible. He's throwing this shoulder as if he's a football line linebacker. He's just going in there. Well, that's a funny thing. It's like Max Payne walks into the homicide office. There's 2,000 homicide detectives. Just looking at this guy calling him a piece of shit and walks through them. Like one of them needs

to put a hand on like, yo dude, you can't be in here. But he gets to the office. And then like the door lot of like, well, there's nothing we can do now. It's like, no, you should have stopped him beforehand. Yep, exactly. Like, why did you just let him barge into the office like that in the first place?

He's wanted for murder. He lost his wife. I mean, come on. He lost his wife. Let him do whatever. They're fucking milking that for years. For three years back, get over it. Hey, here's the thing about Dean Sanchez, by the way. The actor's name is

Rico Simanini. And I think he must be, friends with this director or something because he's in this. He also turns up as a colonel in a good day to die hard of all motion pictures. And I just texted you guys so I wouldn't lose

it while I was looking at his profile. He was in a movie in 2020 with Eric Roberts that's called My Last Best Friend. Whoa. The plot revolves around two identical looking men, Walter, and the nameless protagonist.

I believe just from looking at it. Yep. Oh my God. Two Eric Roberts? It's another two Eric Roberts movie. Oh my God. I love this.

We got to find it. We got to fucking find it. We absolutely have to. The only thing better than Eric Roberts is two of them. I don't know, man. The problem with doing a show like ours is like it turns into like the odyssey and like you find your your path on Eric Roberts Island and then you just start doing Eric Roberts movies all the time and you forgot why you even got.

there and where you were trying to go and it's like been five years and all you've done is review Eric Roberts movies. That's very possible. Yeah. I mean, that's how Max Payne feels like when he's beating up these poor men in the subway station. Yeah, there's the three Eric Roberts Sirens who call you and they're like, hey,

hi, hi. I got almost 700 movies. 500 of them were terrible. And they all have to clamshell bras too. Of course. They have to go all out. Man, if he had 200 great movies, that'd be something. Yeah, I was about to say, dude, that's a little generous with that stat.

I'll tell you what, though, Steve, to your point about like, yeah, you know, doing Eric Roberts movies or whatever, that is a slippery slope. I will gladly slide down, my friend. So, yeah, so he runs out of there. He fucking disappears out this window like Batman, which is hilarious. By the way, we had, he gotten off an elevator that was still going down to get to this office. It's a real great point. So he jumped out of.

at least a two-story window. Yeah. You know. I mean, it doesn't bother Constantine. It's not going to bother him, Eric. I mean, come on. I wasn't paying attention to the elevator continuity, unfortunately. Yeah, it was there.

B.B. is still going down. So, you know, pain gets caught in an alley by Mena Kuhna Cunis. Who wants to remind people that she's still in the movie? Yes, absolutely. And she does so by saying, we need to talk about my sister. and then just starts pistol whipping him with a machine gun. It's kind of funny. This is, I think, a Sin City as it gets, really.

Yes. No, this, and there's actually, the dock is literally the dock from like the beginning of Sid City with like Michael Batson. You got a bad ticker hardigan. And she's dressed, you know, pretty sexily in this scene with the high heels and everything. I still can't get over that name because it's so close to moan sex. Yeah. Which is a fun.

time for adults only. And my sister, orgasma. That's right. They're all here in my new game. Hot, Hot, Hot Girls. Get away from my hot, hot girls, Luigi. Find a your own. Go back to your mansion and jerk off. Yoshi, get your tongue out of there.

Oh, no. Waller Luigi would fucking clean up. Oh, that dude, forget it. Yeah. He's prime Brooklyn trash, dude. BDE on Wall Luigi, my friends. I'll tell you what, though, with that Waluigi man he's giving you something oh for sure absolutely dude yep it's probably it probably just makes like a lightning bolt shape come up on something on your body yeah it's something after

sex with him you it's a it's applause because he gave you the clap wah want want want one someone liked it yeah he's while luigi gives you the blue the blue shell you think you're in first place but you're about to lose dude you're about to lose. That's the spiky shell. You didn't know that. So she brings him to find this Owen Green dude and he's

tweaking it up screaming in this tweaker pad yelling about like, they took her up in their wings. They took her up in her wings. And this is when he's hanging out. He like gets up on a door, on a windowsill and this, you see this demon,

this like fucking I Frankenstein looking motherfucker is pulling on the back of him. And you see his, his nails are like being like he's like he's like trying to hold on but clearly I mean I guess it's supposed to be gravity

but like you're trying to have it both ways here and it's worse shit. Especially because like this moment in particular like Max Payne starts running at him in slow mo like don't do it bro I need you to tell me who killed my wife and you see this fucking Valky thing

pull this guy away from the window like he goes flying backwards so far that it's not just like he jumped out the window and I was like at that moment I was like oh so they are real because it just pulled him but no definitely not definitely not he does hilariously land on a car though yeah that's good and that's like so that's there's that they go to the tattoo parlor this guy's like oh man you want to hear about Norse mythology this guy kind of looks like while while Luigi a little bit he sort of does this guy looks like he did some some backstage work

with Nick Cave in the Bad Seeds. Oh, definitely. This guy sounds like an actual ghost. All I could think about, though, in this, because, like, Mark Wahlberg, like, they go into this tattoo parlor, and he's looking through the tattoo books, you know, like pictures of things you get,

and he's like, oh, what's that one? And this dude, first of all, you don't expect him to have the voice that he does. It's very, like, deep radio, very nice kind of voice. But he's like, those are Norse Valkyries and he starts going into the history

of this thing and all I could think about was Chris Farley in Wain's World and then afterwards Mark Mike Myers is just like wow that security guard was awfully informed he's giving him like every piece of information about this tattoo

can he do that for every tattoo in there like that's a butterfly young girls put that on their back and it stands for there were ancient butterflies They came from Indonesia originally, and they meant to kill you. Yeah, they'll pick out the righteous dead, and they always rewarded those who drew the first blood on the battlefield.

Because in Norse mythology, which also includes butterflies, you go to hell if you go to sleep and die. You got to die violently, brother. Oh, that tattoo right there? Yeah, that's a Tweety Bird kissing an ass. Normally you see those placed on an ass of somebody, so it looks like beloved Looney Tune Tweety Bird is. kissing the person's ass.

I would tell you the history of that one, but we don't got all night. But it's some deep, dark, strange stuff, brother. Yep, that there is a Mario from the video game Hot Hot Girls. It's just a regular Mario,

being he's got a huge erection. Yeah, bro, can I ask you? Do you know who killed my wife? You know everything. It's just so awesome. There's a weird, this comes to absolutely nothing. they cut away from that to like this dude Lupino just like torturing this guy

and I was this something about making the army because he kind of just murders this dude yeah I think this is the test I assume and this is all my math because the movie to tell you this I assume he gives them the drugs if they freak out that he kills them because they're not going to do it but if they if they soldier up they become one of his army of the undead or something I got it you know what I that makes sense we were doing all those hot, hot girls references. We never said laying pipe. Oh, yeah. The show ain't over yet. Motherfucker, you should have worked in it. I just did. He's a plumber. He's a plumber. Technically, you worked in it.

I can just say something. That's sure. Sure, sure. You know what joke we should have told? The following. Too much emphasis in comedy is made on timing. I cried myself on having none of it. Eric, what do you read it? Telling me what jokes to make three days later. Yeah. Yeah. So whatever. Milakunis goes to like some contact of hers. This dude Lincoln. It's actually the actor Jamie Hector who fans of the Wire know played Marlowe Stanfield for a fashion on that show. Great performance there. He's in this for like two seconds doing some vague West Indian accent. And he tells her like, oh yeah, like the dude you're looking for is Lupino. He holds up at, are you ready for this everybody? The Ragnarok Club. which when you when we get to the ragner rock club it's even stupider because it's actually something

else it's like ragland and brocco or something and like the lights on the sign spell out Ragnarok and I'm like well that's even worse I just make a club Ragnar my family's old factory it's me

Lorraine Braco she should have been in this movie yeah this is Lorraine Braco and for HGTV were we doing this nightclub I bought it for one euro now famously Ragnarok was the home of many monsters

I forgot she bought that village she'd get it fixed up nice and what she did I watched that whole series everyone was called but there was a like a limited series of Lorraine Brocko repairing an Italian house I think it was called this old tomato house Yeah, it

You know Now in the basement Because it's an Italian house It's got Mario and he's plowing His hot hot girls He's laying pipe Mario's down there Lay pipe in my basement

Right now I'm being fucked And his brother Luigi's At the other end Oh man I got the Eiffel Tower From the Mario brothers Absolutely Had to have gotten that

It's so cool Yeah you know like there's been so many Halloween's that have gone by oh yeah for you know two Mario brothers got it got dirty one night oh totally and they definitely made the laying pipe joke then for sure of course

there is a fucking hilarious thing of Max Payne driving to this factory or whatever and uh it's it's he's like playing over like a bunch of things people have said to him while the you know over the course of the movie kind of like the Lisa Needs Braces dental plan thing and it's like you know this person that person whatever and then this guy again the tattoo parlor guy because his voice

is so distinct and rich and different than everybody else's and it comes out of nowhere and it's just like that's a Norse valcary a soldiers angel I fucking love it so much uh but so what is the dealer pain goes to like uh he's actually not driving to the club he's going to like a storage facility because he finds that this is where he yeah he wants to look at like old stuff from his wife and this is where he finds that all of her

Aerith files are missing and he's like wait a minute evidence dude and this is where he notices for the first time that this this ACER logo has the fucking feather on it yes

which I don't know Bowbridge is like how about you start telling these dudes not to get tattoos of the logo of your crooked pharmaceutical company. This should really prove, like, Max Payne before, like, they make a point of these, like, now he's a grieving, you know, widower and all this,

but, like, he must have been, like, the worst husband ever. Oh, definitely. If you didn't pick up that this feather thing was just from the folders that were on your fucking dining room table every fucking day for the last goddamn three years. Like, I just, I don't under, he must have been just like, yeah, baby,

you're doing whatever you're doing. I don't fucking care. I got a murder to fucking solve. There's no way. She has to be happier dead than alive. Absolutely. Yeah. So he finds that

his wife's former supervisor was a guy named Jason Colvin, which we learn is Chris O'Donnell. And he fucking goes to Chris O'Donnell's office. Like this is pretty much yeah, this is we're at right. Yeah. He goes to the office to like get some information out of him and I got to tell you this is again, not my favorite moment of the movie, but

I never knew how entertaining it could be. And it's because by the way I think he's a good actor and he's selling it. Chris O'Donnell's getting the shit beat out of him here. Oh yeah. It is fucking hilarious. You didn't know you wanted to see it and the same thing happened to the next scene when he gets shot in the heart. I'm like, well, that's pretty satisfying. Apparently in the unrated edition. Now, we all watch the theatrical, I believe, right? Yes, that's correct. Because the only way to watch

the three minutes longer unrated edition was to buy it. And I don't think so. Just take a look at this picture because I just put there because apparently in the unrated edition like Jerry O'Connell's nose explodes in CGI

blood. It's not just that. It's a bunch of more blood. Because I have seen the under, I watched the theatrical for this time, but the last time, the first time I watched it. I saw the unrated version. Really? You watched the unrated version? But it was, I mean, it was like whenever it came out on digital originally. I read it on the trivia, right? Like his fucking chest explodes.

Yes, it's really gory. And like the digital, like, you see it a lot in the movie anyway, but they just amp up all, like, we're in the first days of digital blood puffs and sprays and stuff. So there's just like 20 times that in the original, in the unrated version. but yeah so max pain is like beating information out of this guy it is kind of hilarious chris o'Donnell's calling for his secretary jacky and he's just like jacky which is so great and like this girl like gets up from her desk and is like mr colvin is something going on i love that he happened to be holding the giant folder of evidence when he when he's encountering max pain

and something, something, Matt, he's like, I'll tell you everything that you need to know, Max Pay. You just have to get me out of this office alive. And then Bo Bridges, like, brings in the fake cops who are crooked and they just shoot him right in the heart. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. It is so, because it's a weird, like, office standoff. This, like, fake SWAT team runs in and everybody's, like, at a standstill because Walberg has a gun on Chris O'Donnell. And it's just like, boom, fucking huge bullet right to this dude's heart.

love it. I would have liked another Jesus. It's the same guy. Who keeps inviting that guy? He's on the SWAT team? And then we get the most impossible sequence. It's like, Max Payne opens fire on like this basically mercenary

SWAT team. Yeah. And none of them can hit him whatsoever to the point of which he's just like leaving the building. It's crazy. I mean, they shoot the shit out of this place. This office is decimated. and yeah, he gets out of there and he gets down to like

some basement level and he runs into ludicrous and it's like, all right, now remember Mark Wahlberg, I'm in this movie and then like a bomb goes off to blow the door so that's kind of the end

of ludicrous trying to get into the movie. Yeah, so Max Payne runs away and then it's just like, you let them leave, damn. It is a wild coincidence and maybe they named it after the fact, But, like, the drug that makes people see these Valky things is just called Valker. Like, again, you got to do better at covering your tracks here at Bow Bridges.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you, man. Well, originally I was going to call BB Superjuice. Come on. No, everyone did know that I'm making the drugs. Isn't that what you want? B.B.'s patented super juice. Makes you a better soldier. Step right up.

Some, do you want to be a better soldier? come here, come here. Do you mind dark demonic visions? No? Good. Sir, are you related to me? No. So, like, he,

Walberg is watching this Lupino testimonial video that they shot. And this is where I was like, oh shit, this is insane that now all of a sudden it's a war on terror movie. Yes. Like out of fucking nowhere. And it's just this dude being like, oh man, when I was hepped up on this stuff,

I was killing all sorts of insurgents. Don't even worry about it. Something, something red, white, and blue. Okay. Which I guess, like, when you think about it, the movie... It's got a political... Is being critical about all the bullshit. So that's kind of something.

It's definitely not shining a positive, rah-rah America light on it, at least. But it was 08. That was just where the tide was at the time. But I agree. I mean, it's better than the opposite. Well, exactly. And also, it would be impossible to be inspired. by anything in this movie. Have you watched this? It snuffs out everything. It's just the look of it even.

Yeah, we're not going to secretly trick guys and girls into recruiting themselves into the military by watching Max Payne. We'll just leave that for the NFL. If anything, we're going to, if anything, we're going to drive them to the real drugs. That's true. And this is when, like, Max Payton's like, well, I got to do it. I got to go to Club Ragnarock and snuff him out. And it's like,

She, Milakutus for somebody's like, you can't go to, I'll help you at anything, Max Payne, except for going to club Ragnarok for some reason. It's a weird thing where like for this scene and this scene only, she like emotionally cares about him because she's like kind of almost crying and she's like, you think if he kills you, you'll be with them again to which Walberg responds. That's how it works and Cox a gun. Just like, that's how the Lord Jesus Christ works. That's just heaven, bro.

that's just it it's the laws of heaven stupid cacoc and I am not going to hell for that Vietnamese guy because I was gacked up on Valca when it happened it's not even my fault

it already happened why do you care it already happened it's in the past so pain goes to this club or whatever and he's fucking taking out dudes left and right this over the back

slow-mo shotgun shot though it was a little much the bullet time. You had to do it, bro. A little bit, yeah. But are you, are you like bending over backwards doing stuff like that in the game? You do like...

Slow motion. Yeah, it's kind of more Sam Peck and Paw-esque. Yeah, like, I know the slow motion stuff happens, but is he like a fucking gymnast bending over like this? I don't know. I think there was too chunky. You're thinking of the game, Hot Hot Hot Girls. Oh, right? Yeah, a lot of bending over backwards.

Exactly. Exactly. All the yoga levels, it's very... Mama me, now that I can do this I'll never leave the house. He's laying pipe into his own mouth. That's cool. No.

You know what? I hope a giant flower that spits fire doesn't come out of his dick into his mouth. Wow. Do you think honestly, I would say, let me know if you guys disagree. I would classify Burdo as among those hot, hot girls. Let's go here in the mix.

Totally. I'm into it. No doubt about it. If Burdo was real, death would. If a drug that I could see demons, maybe once. He has like this big fight scene with Lupino

and what is it? Fucking boat bridges comes out of nowhere and he's like, the angels aren't done with you yet. Just fucking shoots this guy. That's the end of that. It's kind of. All right? It's kind of a,

and that's what you know for sure he's crooked, which is like 20 minutes too late. But at the same time, it's like you kind of want Mark Wahlberg. to win that fight, right? And then you know what I mean? Like just that makes it the movie. This is what this scene like where that BB shoots

the guy instead apparently inspired one of the guys who made the video game to like write a screed denouncing the film. Why? Because like BB in the game was like a hero and not crooked? Well, no, because Max Payne should be killing this character and not

who wasn't even anything or like a resemblance of the character in the game. It was like quite quite a different turn for BB in this there was also i forget if it was actually shot or just planned the original was that they were max pain was going to kill uh the lady who's the head of the pharmaceutical company right yes and they were going to do a end of die hard three shoot a electric wire into a helicopter yeah blow up the helicopter and see this old lady get fried up but uh no i guess we're not doing that instead maybe we'll hint we'll do it in the next

movie. That might be exciting. So we can't have it here. That's what the stinger is, is him being like, now I got to kill this old woman. It's literally what it is. We already got the footage for it. There was Max Payne, too, as a video game, not as a movie. Well, you know, I can

understand, like, the guy who made the game, you know, very popular game. He's very proud of the game that he made or whatever. And to see it, butchered like this on screen, I get it's a bummer. But the guy should be thankful, at least, this is literally the only screen play this person has ever written.

Before or since, literally the only fucking thing. It's one of those like, how did you get it? How did you get the job? Who the fuck are you? It's also so rare that that ever happens that you only like, even with a piece of shit like this, the fact that you were like, you were the guy who took the hit

like, look, we need to put out the Max Payne movie. The kids love this shit. We got it. Seven years ago. And so they get this guy to finally do it and they can't even throw up a bone to like, you know, a dog babies for the hunt for Rosco or something like that

just anything. Wasn't there, yeah, speaking of babies, wasn't there like a baby geniuses direct to streaming shit in the works probably? Hey,

please, yeah, get this guy. The Max Payne guy should write the baby. We got to eventually do that baby geniuses movie. Oh yeah. For fucking John Void alone.

I would love to talk about some babies again. I don't know if the fucking authorities would like Nothing wrong with talking about babies. I'm not talking to babies. It's good. Thank God.

Question, because we keep saying like, oh, yeah, you know, the game came out seven years before the movie. When did that second Max Payne game come out? Was it before this movie? Like, were we writing the popularity of both? I think the first game was 2001-ish, and the second game was like 2003, 2004. Yeah, so it's been like four or five years of nothing from the Max-Pain universe. got it okay so yeah the that fucking candle had still been extinguished so yeah there's kind of this fucking bow bridges like parlor scene speech here he's

talking about how he this is a weird thing where he's talking about like he at when he killed mark walberg's wife he realized what he'd been missing all his life and I was like killing people yes it's it was like it was the first problem I ever solved all by myself. And I was like, wow, this is going to be great. I'll just start killing people. I read this weird thing. I started reading this guy, Brett Easton Ellis.

She's got some books that really are influential for me. And I think just some bloodlust would really break open my life a little bit. Get a little loose. Some of it gets a little, you know, creaky hand weird if you ask me. But it still gave me some ideas. And Walberg here sort of takes. a minute. There's a dumb as shit flashback to Walberg

again in the bedroom and he sees fucking Bo Bridges like reflection in this like baby, what do you call these things? Carousel. Mobile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he's like slinking out the window like, got to go.

By the way. It is such a dumb effect. I love that the door of the room says baby on it. Yes. So Mark Wahlberg doesn't get too confused when he, you know. It's when Max Payne's coming home wasted after working a 48-hour shift, dude. Don't throw up in here. What mood do I go in?

There's one that says, baby. Yeah, there's no. There's one that says wife. The fucking master bedroom should say Max on the door. So that's the room you go in, okay? Go in and it's the bathroom. That's the one that has Max on it. Go in there, please.

Because he is a piece of shit. Well, I would like to think that it's more that there's no movement whatsoever on actually getting this child a name? Not at all. Max is boycotting all the good ones. He's like Little baby pain, dude. No, just Max. It has to be Max Jr. Come on, honey. Anything else?

No, Max Jr. Well, why doesn't Bo Bridges like, yeah, I know when I killed your baby was even better. Like, I loved killing your wife. That really clarified some things for me. But man, killing your baby. Who doggie, that was fun. Or maybe it's the other way, dude. He's like, I had a great time

killing your wife. And then when I killed your baby. I was like, whoa, baby, back up. Ladies only. It's okay to be your friends with Lucifer, but you don't want to be Lucifer. You must be this tall to ride this ride and that means the fucking Reaper's ride. Yeah, I recreated the last caress by the misfits. You know that song? I recreated it with your family. Kids at home look that too. Never seen a movie called Manhunter? I gave your family the dollar hide. Hey, Max, look at this cool tattoo on my back.

I broke all these mirrors. So he gives him two doses. It puts it in his pocket, two doses of Valcure. It's like, you're going to kill yourself, Max. And then he's like, here, go. Hey, other guy, give me that rope. And then that's when, like, Max makes this move. There is a solid Max Payne head.

headbutting Bo Bridges right here. It's like, it's on par with like the best professional wrestling headbutts you've ever seen. Bowbridge's fucking sells that shit, man. He drops like a sack of rocks. Pretty good. It's all pretty great.

And so, yeah, he jumps in the river. And so it's like, here we are. So now you know how I got here. And he's fucking hearing this dead wife. We're back to the start of the movie, bro. I hope you want to rewatch it again because we're just going to roll it again from the top.

Don't worry about it. You didn't accidentally hit Rewind. Now the movie just caught up with the prolog. Hey, what's a prolog? You know, people get so confused. I get so confused during movies. Let's make a movie that's not confusing for once. It's going to be three hours long, bro.

It's going to be like a Bollywood movie. Narratively, we've caught up where we were. We're not going to restart the movie. The reels didn't break. You don't need to go back and beat up the ushers like I might have. often. Dude yeah, he goes out and he's like, the fucking lights are still on. I'm trying to watch

Fast and Furious Seven. Turn the fucking lights off. It just becomes like Grimlins too and Hulk Hogan's Oh, just with much less charm. Just as racist though, actually, if you could believe it. Yeah, yeah, right there equal footing on the racism.

Or did you say less racist? No, same. I think you're same. Yeah, same, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, dude, he fucking climbs out of this water and he's freezing and shit. And here it comes, you guys. He takes both of these files. He chugs both of these things because he's like,

it's, uh, you know, the river is frozen and so he's all like, got hypothermia and whatnot. So it's like, this is the last thing to revive myself. And let me tell you something. I had to fucking pause it and watch this three times. Oh, I'm sure. Because he takes this shit. And then

Mark Wahlberg making the dumbest face he's ever made on camera. I love this. Roars like God. Godzilla. It's so good. It's an out and out Godzilla. And I was screaming. And meanwhile, in the background, there's like, there's like flames and demons and shit. And it's just fucking little firecracker effects going. And it's, of course, in slow motion, so it looks dumber. Of course. It's unfucking believable how stupid it is. I loved it so much. Right. And right here we get like a five second thing of where like, Ludacris called in the FBI. Here's the cameo of the guy.

from the video game. Shut up. Let's move on. We're not going back to that. We did it already. It's done. Yeah, that ought to fucking satisfy those little S-O-Bs. Ludacris, by the way, is dressed like Columbo for half of this movie. It's so silly. The little hat. Yeah, I was going to say, I was just about to ask, does he have a stupid hat on or was I just making that up? He's got that little hat?

Well, apparently the story goes that this role was written for a 60-year-old man, but Ludacris did such a good job in the audition Oh Uh-huh I can't imagine I guess so Was the 60-year-old man

who auditioned Beau Bridges? We got to Bo we got some Thanks for coming in anyway You got beat out by Ludacris Don't kill yourself

We got something else for you Well we paid for the dentures You might as well use them I know you have good teeth Just put them in as well Now I'm thinking about Swapping some roles You imagine

We should get a note to Vin Diesel For fast 10 bow bridges and he's not a villain he's just part of like they're like yeah vinty's was like oh man for this job we're gonna need a hefty set of breaks i'm gonna go to my eight number one break man and it's his bobridge my man fat tom fat tom is in the house they really should have like a fat white boomer dude to at least run interference on people exactly and then he is shot to death by the end of the oh for sure it's so sad movie they get a new like fat boomer dude to roll up it'd be great it's like you know one of them could

do a distraction where they cause a scene at like a margaritaville or something they got fat tom the break man let's pour out a corona for him oh totally dude this he had his last barbecue last week you remember fat tom the break man from all the barbecues we've done right he always took over he always took all the leftovers barbecue oh dude it'll be great there's a bunch of fucking fake photos shop things of Bo Bridges. Like, he's been here the whole time. He's been our long, our long time friend the whole time. Just him and Paul Walker in a picture. Oh, yeah. They could drive off together. Oh, man. So yeah, Colin in the FBI, where Bo Bridge's fucking shagging ass running is kind of something I didn't know I needed. And he's like, it's him. The other character's

name is Joe Sal, I think. Sure. His like second in command or whatever. And this is it's another, I love a good casual line delivery where it should be a little more, you know, should have some more like an oomph behind it. He's getting all these like weapons out or whatever and he says that this, Bob Bridges says to this guy, he goes,

oh, take some C4. Yeah. Why did you take some C4? All right. Do you got napalm? Yeah, you should have some napalm. You know, it's Max Payne. We should have some napal. Just just a case. And, you know, it's the big assault on the, on the place

seen it's you know it's as advertised you're shooting people it's fun right yeah oh yeah but this is the this is where i was like wait what the fuck because like he is having a total like class a freak out from being on these drugs and like he you're seeing what he's seeing and it's all the fucking demon shit or whatever and then like he is in like the the pharmaceutical company building he is on like a top floor you know high up floor of this thing and then out of nowhere Milakunis appears and I'm like how did this character get into the building? How did you make it to this level

of the video game? She flied with the demons of course. Ah, on the backs of the Valcara. You know how she got there is she was because she's an attractive lady she ended up in hot hot girls and Mario showed her that hack we can walk on top of the level. Oh, totally.

Which was a great great one. You put your face in the my pipe and then I show you the other magic pipe. He's just impressing. hot, hot girls by breaking every brick he sees with his head. That'll do it, dude. That'll impressive. How old girls. Definitely will. You never know where money's

going to fall out on that brick. She straight up says to him, this is one of the worst lines ever. She's like, you're not done yet. He's just like, that's what my dead wife just said when I was in the river. By the way, I'm gacked out of my fucking mind,

bro. Totally. The last fucking act of this movie, I'm high as a goddamn kite. Am I in Afghanistan now? There is a really funny moment because he is so strung out on this shit. He bursts into Bowbridge's office with a machine gun. He's like, bah! He's like firing this thing.

Literally no one in the room at all. He's strung out just opening doors firing immediately. That rules. I love it. I support it. But then this dude blows the C4. This Joe Sal guy blows the C4. and pretty cool explosion effect

here knocks out like a whole floor of this huge office building and that's too show because Milakoulos comes in inspires Max Payne and she's like I'll take care of the number two and she kind of does and then he hits the C4

and she just disappears from the movie until the stinger it's kind of great she literally is like firing a gun at some of these security guys and like an elevator door closes on her and that's literally the end of her for the movie

proper she takes an elevator out of the movie yep exactly Oh, is this my floor? Oh, no, the movie's on the floor. I'm up on four. Sorry, I got to get it. Oh, I got to go down to the stinger scene, actually. Yeah, what's that in the fucking sub-basement of this movie? Got it. Oh, second bill. See ya. See you. See you. Goodbye.

She was, wait, she was built over Beau Bridges. Insane. Which is why you give him the stinger. Like, you could do that, but then you give him the stinger. Yep. That's what the stinger is for. Or the hammer. Sorry, the hammer. You're getting terms that you yourself made up mixed up. Yes, to give him the hammer, therefore. When we're talking about the cast,

I just remembered by obviously looking up who plays the head of the whole company that it's supposed to be hinted at, we'll kill her next time. Kate Burton, who was Margo, the like journalist friend in Big Trouble in Little China. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's where she's wrong. She looked really familiar. And, yeah, there it is. She pops up in a ton of stuff. Oh, yeah, she's constantly working. She was on the television show scandal that I watched more than I should have of, yeah. She was in Grey's Anatomy for like 30 years. I just feel like if Francis Conroy says no, you're like, hey, Kate, how's it going?

So whatever, we're up on the roof. It's just just Bo Bridges and Mark Wahlberg here. And he's like, well, all right. So now I give the big speech, right? And he just fucking shoots Bo Bridges in the heart. drops it's the second time we do slow motion uh or whatever slow motion time apologies yeah we got to just say what the matrix said and he pulls it out and he pulls out his gun there is so much snow on this gun immediately i was like that's ridiculous i was like so is he

just like been standing there for two minutes pointing this gun the snow accumulated i guess he's just so fucking high he's just like i'm gonna fucking kill you man i'm gonna fucking kill you man the snow is just mounting on this gun. It would be so incredible. It's like Boehbridge's like, oh, you're gonna, you're gonna kill me or you're all right? What's going on there? He just walks away. And then he's like, oh, I must have killed him, bro. He's gone. I must have shot him to hell. He fucking leaves down the stairs

right behind. Boe Bridges just goes home. Goes to sleep. Well, that drug, you know, that drug keeps working out for me. Wow. Pretty cool. And you know, I have to say, credit to this movie for just fucking ending. Bo Bridges drops dead and, you know, Walberg kind of just like

sits on the ground on the roof and some SWAT guys come in and these are like the dudes who are with Ludacris and McCaffrey there and you just hear this dude be like, Max Payne is alive. We got him.

And then cut to the Comedy Central Roast special effects. Dude, I made the same note. It is exactly the Comedy Central Roast of Max Bain, it's nuts. Oh, man. I can't...

Dude, I fucking expected Greg Geraldo to be doing material on the back end of this. Because, like, that's how old that shit is. Greg Gerrallo was still alive and they were doing that. You know what I mean? It's insane how no one was like, excuse me, uh, this looks comically like the Comedy Central roast font.

It's just all the close-ups of all these guns, different like revolvers, shotguns, then just all the way in the middle, it's Jeffrey Ross's face. Oh, the next time, bro, we're going to get the Roastmaster General. Oh my God, it turns out the Roastmaster General was in on my family's mita.

Oh, every time I see the demons, I see Jeffrey Ross too. And so this stinger scene, another dumb as shit line that happens. So it's Max Payne. He walks into this bar. Some dude, this bartender, like, opens up a couple of brew dogs here.

And he gives him a, Max Payne and he goes, good to have you back. And I was like, I don't think you've been in this movie until this point. I just say that to everybody. I just like making friends, you know. Good to have you back. I'm a tourist. Well, I presume all these people

are long regulars of mine. If you're ordered Budlight at my bar, your family. And that means you're cheap. Just like my cheap family. And then so, yeah, he just sits down with Milakunis who's reading a newspaper and she sort of gives it to him and it's a picture of this old lady and it's like rich lady getting richer acer stock skyrocketing and it is a true

fucking let's go get him. L.O.L. We're never going to see a sequel. Nope. It's not in a million years. God bless him. I love a bad stinger. Totally. Totally. I mean because the thing about it is like shit if you had made a second Max Payne movie okay but like now you're just embarrassed forever. Nope. You know what I mean? Like the sequel could have existed

without a stinger. Yes. Idiots. But that is the end of this movie, this dreadful Max Payne motion picture. Go around the horn here. Recommendations and final thoughts.

Steve Sadeh? No, it's really, really bad. I will say, and Walberg is really ill-suited to it, I think. Specifically, it's really funny. We didn't talk about

what he, like, when he's going to see his baby, he's got like, like, obviously the director was like, all right, now you're happy in the scenes. Like, happy.

it. And he's got the dopiest, dumbest smile. It's like, all right, now you're brooding. Brooding. Got it. And like, I mean, like, he's just really ill-suited to this. You need somebody with like some more range, like Clive Owen type or something, some broodier kind of shit. But all told, the action isn't terrible. It's, it's kind of a, it's kind of a fun watch. It's a light not recommend. Light not recommend. Chris Cabin. Big not recommend. Gotcha. Mostly because I don't like it when you. tamper down the Boston and Mark Wahlberg.

I don't like when you deplete him of the one thing that is kind of funny about him. Also just set it in Boston. What do we think? I say all of it. At any time you have a movie with him that fucking The Gambler remake Entourage, put them all in Boston.

Yes. Because it makes more sense that way. And it's more of his ground. This, when he has to like put all the character of his voice out to be more bland, it's almost as bad as, the Doctor Strange thing. He yells at someone in this movie

and it fucking bean towns up really quickly. I mean like it breaks. You get some nice flowers here and there but like it's just not enough and I get very tired very quickly of that stuff and I get very tired very quickly of this movie. So no. So we will leave the last thought to the only

person who played this video game so I will just say yeah it's a not recommend. It's kind of an almost recommend but here's the thing that Valkyry shit is some of the dumbest stuff I've watched in a really long time. And especially if it's not in the video game, what are you doing? Like, yeah, the action's

kind of fine, whatever. It would have been probably like a, you know, a hangover movie kind of thing. But that Valka, I cannot get behind that. It's dumb as shit. So yeah, it's a hard no for me. So Eric Siska, PC gaming fan. Oh, yes. Yes, the big

Max Pay. I, you know, I played it in college. And then I moved over to Halo for a little bit. yeah, yeah, you know, like you do, like guys do. So, you know, I was, it's not like I'm a super fan of the video game property and I'm like they're not doing it justice or something. It's, it's all trash.

It's a big not recommend for me. I almost see where you're coming from, Steve, like some of the action or whatever. I was thinking about this throughout the day and I went back and rated my letterbox score a half star lower than I did initially because this is, this is. is just trash it's just nothing here i mean there's a few moments of cool bullet time and you got bow bridges which which is which is unfortunate i it's a note for me i wish bo bridges had more to do i wish anyone had more to do i wish i understand that the motivations of more of these characters yeah uh i'll just say as a quick final thing it turns out like nelly frittato does kind of just act

i mean a lot of these credits are just like music videos or whatever but like she's been in some things, including, you know, she is she, what is she? Yeah, she's Canadian. She's in something called like Hockey, the musical. Oh, is that how she got this job? Because she's Canadian and they, they shot it next to her house. Yeah. Yeah, she was just walking in Toronto. They're like,

Hey, Della Fittano, you want to be able to move? Hey, Oh, it's called. We're scrapping the original song you had planned for Max Payne. But would you like to be in Max Payne? She should have done a song. You're totally right. That would have been anything. Yeah, the thing it's from 2010. It's called score colon, a hockey musical. Oh my god, that sounds

Canadian and a half. A teenage hockey player becomes a national sensation. Did Jay Burrell direct that too? Some dude named Michael McGowan directed it. I don't know what that dude's about, but yeah, anyway, I don't know. I thought Nelly Fittato was pretty good in this movie. A shining light in an otherwise grim looking weird piece of shit movie.

But that is going to do it for our discussion of Max Payne. Of course, if you want more We Hate Movies. Check out Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. We got a WLM out all about the great Arnold film Last Action Hero. There you go. A lot of

fun. That's action done right folks. We've got another Morbius for you Morbheads. It's the Spider-Man episode with Morbius or the first Spider-Man episode with Morbius on the animation damnation feed. That's a lot of fun. Oh yeah. Love that.

Who are we doing on the Gleepe Glossary this month there? we'll be talking about the Emperor's Royal Guards. We'll find out why they wear those red robes and so much less. And then, of course, we have this month Once in a Lifetime is back. Like we mentioned, we are talking about stock by my doctor, Colin, patience revenge.

It's the third one in the incredible franchise. Stock Doc 3. It's fantastic. Ooh, Stock Doc 3, I like that. If you're a fan of TV movies, you might be a fan of TV. episodes. We have a Star Trek Recap podcast called The Nexus

where we do an episode of TOS and TNG, but that's not all, folks. We also have Melro 210, where we talk about an episode of 90210 and Melrose plays. So look at all that. And of course the first commenter

of 2022, we dropped it last month. Indeed, Harry Potter and the Sorcer is Stoneman Terry. Check that out as well. And on this feed, of course, the continues next Tuesday a brand new episode dropping for your ears

Steve what are we talking about then? We are talking about Soylent Green by the way it's my guy yeah get a little old on the feet I kind of like that right I like dipping our toes in the 70s

this is a movie set in 2020 so that's another reason to do it yeah no I can't wait because aside from like his small appearance in the Tim Burton Apes movie we haven't done a Charlton Hessie No, no, no. I mean, we almost did true lies, but that was removed from streaming.

He's in that for a hot second, I think. You guys kept on telling me we can't do a bowling for Columbine episode. I really went. I went to the mats for it. I would, you know what, Chris, maybe we'll do that on our own. Mr. Heston, I really love Soylent Green, come out and talk about it. Just got you talking about guns. Food from my cold dead people. So until next week when Soiland green is people folks.

Spoiler alert. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Cisco. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.