We Hate Movies - S12 Ep609: Firestarter (1984)

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

On this week's episode, the gang goes back to King Country to talk about the lackluster 1984 Stephen King adaptation, Firestarter! Why was Gene Siskel so unimpressed with all these awesome explosions? Why do we bother using computer effects nowadays when blowing up a dummy is one of the greatest things a human being can see with their own two eyes? And where is the timeline where we got the wild-ass John Carpenter adaptation? PLUS: Litigation-lover George Lucas goes hard at Stephen King! Firestarter stars Drew Barrymore, David Keith, Martin Sheen, Heather Locklear, Art Carney, Freddie Jones, Louise Fletcher, Moses Gunn, and the great George C. Scott; directed by Mark L. Lester.  Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, you know, I just learned that the original title of this movie was Crispy Critters, The Motion Picture. It's Fire Starter. I'm Andrew Crispy, Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in as always. This is We Hate Movies, a comedy program where we talk about movies in a fun and gross way. This week. We're talking Fire Started from 1984, directed by Mark Lester, who, man, I don't know what the fuck happened, but somehow. this dude after making this movie managed to indeed direct Commando. Your ass used to be beautiful. Like what the fuck? Commando. Yeah. But this was, this was, Commando was after this. This was, really?

He had an interesting run. It's this in 84 and then Commando in 85. And then in 86 he directed Armed and Dangerous. What the fuck filmography. It's a crazy filmography. Man, Armed and Dangerous. Stay tuned in a half. I remember watching that movie a thousand times. Unlike this movie, this was my first time. I've seen it. I've never seen this. I've seen a couple times. I had seen it. Yeah. And it's,

you know, it's got its, it's got its moments for certainly the ending rules. Uh, but it's sort of, it's just a great cast, a banger score and TV movie directing. And it's just like, it just feels like a movie of the week. I think it's very obvious. I mean, we were talking about right before we started recording, but John Carpenter was supposed to direct this. It was supposed to be follow-up to the thing, but because everyone was insane at the time and thought the thing was the worst movie ever made. I don't know what was

in the water that year, man. Like, what the fuck was society thinking? No idea. No idea what could possibly be up people's fucking ass with that shit. But like, you can so clearly tell he had like given them kind of a construct of what it should have looked like and they just fucking drop the ball completely.

Big time. Absolutely big time. This is also, how about this? Written by a dude named Stanley Man who this guy wrote two interesting things Damien Omen 2 and Conan the destroyer of all pictures

Oh boy The weird thing And the problem with this movie I think One of the biggest problems is that it's not It seems to be too faithful Of an adaptation just in terms of like How I read the Wikipedia somewhere Like oh that's exactly how the movie moves

Oh really? Not many divergence from the text huh Because apparently Carpenter's version had like was 300 pages and had like a lot of different stuff in it and I think I think whatever that different stuff made it a movie and this is just sort of like the book come to life which I think it's a problem with King in general like a lot of his movies don't get that cinematic and I think that's why I think not counting the shining eyes well no that that's but no you you inspired this thought to me though that's what's interesting to look at like King

adaptations clearly in in most cases the first you get from the source material, the better the movie is. Because the Shining Kubrick movie is not the book really at all. And it's a masterpiece. Oh, well, but we also know the masterpiece of the Green Mile.

Like, yeah, it's, it's terrible. You just let the director do what the fuck they want. I don't care. I, I sent you guys that HBO behind the scenes clip. At the end, King is like, well, yeah, you know, it's the most movable of my books, I think.

I'm like, you're just making, you're making up. Great. Thank you, Stephen. My man loved to make up words, by the way. We got a couple of bangers in here. We've got Grandthur, which we say. And it's like, oh, Stephen King, you wrote that, didn't you? What's that supposed to mean? Grandfather. So instead of grandfather, you call him Granthor. Oh, that's, is that some like fucking, you know, old timer thing maybe? I don't know. I just, it sounds because he likes that shit, too. He likes people talking like old. I do, I do like, I like Art Carney in this movie is kind of a delight when he's just like, Art Carney getting shot.

Yeah, and then he's like saying shit like, oh, that's a corker. We should bring back corker, you guys. That's a pretty good one. Main language in general. Like, that's cool. Like, wow, what a corker. Well, you know, corking rack, madam. I don't know about what a corking rack she had. Or a corking ass on that dude walking by.

Yeah. Does David Keith ever say mingo in this? he does not I think David Keith it's kind of funny because this movie is being remade right now and that's why we're doing it's going out this weekend or something bullshit and David Keith I mean he's not

an exact for Zach Ephron but it's pretty close of like 12 people passed it's really like yeah a lot of people passed that it got down to you Zach Ephron way more handsome than David Oh sure oh sure Well this hair cuts doing nobody favors No my god what this thing's like a lion's mane

can you believe in this haircut? I mean, I'll be honest, it was working for me. I kind of like how the man's looking in us. He's a good-looking man. Something to grab, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He played Jack Murdoch in that Ben Affleck Daredevil movie. I mean,

dude's been in a thousand things, but... Yeah, whenever I see him, I, you're not see him, whenever I see his name in the credits for a second, I'm like, Keith David, oh my God, yes. That's another thing. Yeah. He's kind of bizarreo, Keith David. I do feel like one time they're like, all right, we're going to make a movie about the Black Panthers

and we need amazing actors, get these, and then like, get us Keith David, and then David Keith shows up, and it's like, fuck. Oh, you must be mistaken. Oh, no, the FBI agents are in the next, oh, no, oh, no. Hi, I'm reading for a Kwame Terey.

Well, if they want me to do blackface, I don't know, it's a, it's a major motion picture. Better do it. Really weird. I guess so. Probably really want this guy in this Black Panthers movie. They're willing to go to that link.

Oh, no, no. He thinks that. That's what he says. He walks into the audition room and then gets some shoe polish and then she tries to fit in. Yeah, he just nailed the audition so hard. What are we going to do?

Some producer was like, I got it. It's the plot of the movie Soul Man, but applied to the casting of a fictional Black Panther movie. Yes. So, you know, to start somewhere with this film, I want to quickly mention the powers here. So the movie's about a little girl who could start fires with her mind

by looking at... She's a twisted fire starter. That's right. Punkin instigator. Do you think they're going to use that song in the new one? Oh, 100%. If you don't, that's a total fucking...

It's like, I just kind of reminds me of a song I grew up with. And he puts it out of a CD and puts it in the fucking... It's a song I remember they played at my fourth birthday No fucking way. What's going to happen

is you are going to get some fucking Nora Jones-esque I'm my fire. Yeah. You're totally right. Slow it down. It's going to be a little ghost girl cover.

Absolutely. That makes it prestige, you know. Kevin, you totally call it. Now I definitely have to watch that movie. By the way, you know it's going straight to Peacock as well, right?

Oh, really? I saw that advertised the other day when I went to try to watch this on Peacock because I was like, oh, I'm a peacock subscriber. It says the movie's streaming there. Excellent. I go there.

Uh-uh. Not so fast, Andrew. Streaming for peacock subscribers with commercials. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, that sucks. I sat through those commercials. Oof, I just, I rented it on Apple, dude. I couldn't do it. I just, you can, it's amazing these days how you can just,

you can just tell it like they have no confidence in the product, not just for that, but because like they say the word superhero four or five times within the span of two minutes in that trailer. I mean, but also, like, you've got, it's not just Zach Ephron in that film. You've got Gloria Rubin, who I love as the Martin Sheen role, but that's not, that's not on par.

That's a gamble. And you've got, I think Kurtwood Smith is sloshing around. I think, I don't know where he's going to fit in, but I like it. Maybe he's the Art Carney possibly. I think he's the doctor who. Oh, that makes sense. I think that's who he is.

Oh, so that means he'll like try to have a little bit of turn of heart at the end of the movie, she'll still set him on fire in a golf cart dude that guy one of the fucking funniest deaths in this movie in a sea of funny deaths

yes that is but you're gonna give the powers Eric I'm sorry oh yes now the powers what I want to see like if we can be honest with ourselves the audience

and the whole world here I think if I had these powers I think every other person I see is going up I'm serious you don't have to be out of control yeah you'd have to be put down you'd walk down the street

someone looks at you slightly crossed, and they always kind of do. Yeah, to me, it's like, news from the front, another A train goes up in a blaze. It's just like, you know what I mean? Oh, Steve was commuting this afternoon. I can just imagine the FBI coming to me. Like, can you talk to him like, no, he's going to set me on fire?

Well, can't you talk him down from killing other people? No, no, no, no. He's going to see me on fire, Chris. I would set on fire, though, almost anyone else. It's a very nice day, Eric. Yes, it is. Oh, it's a very fine day. Now, here's the thing, though, dude,

remember the part in this movie where that fucking British doctor is like, she can do all this stuff now when she's a little girl. Imagine if she grows up, she could, like, cause a nuclear explosion. That would be you, dude. You would be nuking shit, like accidentally.

Or intentionally. Yeah, I don't know. Who gives a shit? Your entire town has been nuked. That's Freddie Jones, by the way. Father of Little Rich Boy, which I didn't know until today, Toby Jones.

oh no yeah that's the original dynasty it's a dynasty they're both good they both have fantastic actors flabbergasted faces which i love um so we start it's on the it's uh david keith not keith david on the run with uh drew barry more uh and i think there's good urgency here i feel like i was watching this and i was like this is better this might be better than people have talked about this film and i and you know for the first 30 minutes i was kind of thrilled because here I feel like you get some of that almost commando-ask

direction where it's the pacing we're going, we're running, we're falling down highways and the movie's moving. Yeah, it is. I thought the first 50 minutes, I was like, this isn't bad. We're moving here. But I'll tell you, in this first part, you also see

exactly what the difference between what this is and what the carpenter thing would have been. While he's running, somebody just like ADR's He can control minds. And then in literally two minutes, you get a pretty good scene where you show the power. You actually show the $500 bill scene. Yeah, like Jedi Mindtricking the cab.

Like that's like, like Carpenter note would have enough confidence to be just like, no, I'm going to show the power. I'm not going to just have somebody like, it's a super power. Yeah. That's the these guys from the quote unquote shop who are like look exactly like CIA agents. Like you guys, somebody's got to wear a t-shirt, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, and some dungarees possibly. Like, if you're calling yourselves the shop, you got to be a little more out there than just your average CIA looking dude. Yeah, I mean, I think, I guess this is sort of just the CIA or a division of it.

There's a mention that it's the DSI, like, division of scientific intelligence or Department of Scientific Intelligence. Right. Mm-hmm. The other thing that I think sort of kills this, though, is like the structure that they choose to give it because like I get it like you want to start off like with a bang so we start like the movie starts

kind of after the movie actually started you know what I mean and then like he uses like the dad the Andy character having these flashbacks to sort of like catch you up on what went down and it just it fucking kills it every time you get a legitimate

wavy flashback and that's like that totally do do dooo dole do which we get Yeah, because he gets in the cab. Basically, they're on the run. They get in the cab. He tells the cab driver to take him to the airport. He gives him a dollar and says it's a $500 bill.

He has to do this like camera head move to make his powers work. Yeah, this is also oddly big time scanner cop this movie feels like in a big way. Or scanners, which came out the year after this. Or is it the first? No, no. The scanners came out the year before this, but the book came out in 1980s. Oh, okay. Yeah.

is all over this thing and also I mean we'll get to it when we get to it but like Art Carney I'm like oh it's a Supergirl she showed up on a farm and oh people took care of her oh yeah I guess that's true wow I never put that together that is incredibly weird

the flashback is you see they're at I guess they're university students doing a whatever doing a one of those you know medical trials yeah next next door Bill Murray's fucking given some hot girl, a card test. I don't know, a couple of wavy lines.

Nothing flashy. Nothing that would grab the audience or anything. Just, you know, wavy lines. You can keep the five bucks, mister. I will. It's the, yeah, so like, this guy's just like, well, it's going, this guy, Freddie Jones, or Freddy Jones is great. It's just like, one or two of you might hallucinate

just a little, no mental powers. What's going to. Oh, no, no, no, no. I know in one of these top. secret government experiments you think you're a part of where you're going to magically gain superpowers now that's that's just malarkey you see and this is this was a real thing right like they would actually you know the government would drug random people like the mk ultra shit that's pretty much the fire starter program yeah i i kind of wish that they actually gave them these kind of power so a few of these guys would have gone down but no it was just long trips it

was actually more like than like David Keith and Heather Locklear like lovingly looking I try big I love you I like yeah the whole stone thing here is uh it's fine it goes on too long way too long David but I mean I don't know man wouldn't it be cool to just be high with Heather Locklear though oh for sure in 1984 Heather Locklear absolutely I yeah fucking 22 Heather Lockler talk about her role as Stacy Sheridan on TJ Hooker that's right was that so actually Eric, 84, is hooker on the air? Yes. Yeah, yeah. She's full Stacy mode right here. This is her film debut

apparently. Which was weird because I always thought that that was whatever swamp thing movie she was in. Is she in the first swamp thing? No, I believe she's in the second swamp thing. Okay. Yeah. I always thought that was her film debut. I love... I love David Keats' killer opener line here to Heather Lockler. Because she's like,

when do we get paid? And then the kid goes to her, it's like, yeah, I'm broke two. And it's like, wow, good one, dude. oh yeah totally oh you can't afford dinner oh jesta come here isn't it romantic we have nothing to our name uh and they start tripping out i do love this werewolf looking guy who's like uh is this run by the shop man oh yeah totally they should have fucking like that dude they should have like seen some like scientists over in the corner like yeah we think that guy's on to us give him a hot shot

maybe there's there's a few shots here where like other test subjects rip their eyes out which i think that's doesn't that guy rip his eyes out the guy who asks about the is this the shop isn't that the same dude i think i don't remember potentially i hope so because the most hippie dipy one yeah yeah i think his eyes get ripped right out yes so maybe they did give him with a fucking hot shot all right all right mr mr questions sure enjoy having no eyes exactly give him serum x and yeah, they start tripping out and, you know, they could start reading each other's minds, him and Heather Locklear

because she's like, wow, what a great compliment. He's like, I didn't say anything. I'll tell you, man, if Heather Locklear could read my mind would be in real trouble. I'd be in jail in five minutes. Yeah, totally. It would be a real get him out of here. What did you say to mean? Nothing. With a cake? That could mean so many things.

Yeah. Now, I do like the flirting here or whatever, but it is immediately interrupted by this, like tons of people freaking out. Like, this needs to be a back to formula with whatever fucking drug they're trying to come up with here, man. Can we get one that makes ice people maybe? That'd be better.

That's a little less dangerous. Oh, yeah, trying to make my X-Men ice. Is the thought here now both of them get experimented on. like these powers. They have a kid. Yes. Is that kid just naturally gifted or is that kid also getting dosed as a child? No. I think that's the idea is they have now

made a little fire starter kid. Right. The movie never does nail that down. And I feel like, I don't know, you're doing all these fun flashbacks. Like, why don't you get a scene in there where, because this is what you don't have. You don't have a scene of the two of them discovering

that Drew Barrymore also has powers. Yeah. They should have, it feels like the movie should have been front-loaded with a little more information. Even the shop stuff, if you could somehow move that to the top, and then have them on the run as like the bulk and towards the end of the film. You can just throw all that shop shit

in the fucking garbage. Until the fucking climax, honestly, shut, fucking right in the fucking garbage. Well, because another, this made me think of another Stephen King's story adapted into a way better movie, Mike Flanagan's Doctor Sleep. In that movie, you do have

have the scenes where the parents of the girl Abra, I think her name is, the parents discovering the shit, like, what's going on with our daughter? There's fucking spoons on the ceiling. Like you get those scenes

of like the powers sort of coming to life as the kid gets older and like you just, you need that shit for a movie like this. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Well, they skip over with all these flashbacks, they actually skip over the most interesting part. of it is because you let

these people go. Yeah, totally. Where the fuck was that? You'd and like at the very least, if I had any idea, they were getting close to that kind of power, I'd be like, snip the balls off. Like, honestly. Yep. No way these can procreate. Absolutely not. No, no, no, no. One more

little test here. You just dose them and then that's it. Your fucking vasectomy town. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. I love. I mean, it's, because yeah, you don't, you just see them living in like kind of domestic tranquility and like they're getting nasty phone calls from the shop I guess who are just like come back hey come back don't don't make us drive down there and pick you up you better come to us I'm gonna all right we have the door open until 2 p.m. Better be here. Yeah, these threatening phone calls kind of like Keith Gray on Melrose place calling Alice. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, you freaks with your powers, you stupid whore. Oh, no, there's another call from the shop on. Why do they keep calling me a whore? I don't know.

Now they're talking about whore powers. I don't know. We do see Charlie because it's kind of weird that it's a little bit of a fake out because in the whatever airport she kind of lets it loose

like, oh my God, I hurt mommy. Oh, she killed her mother. That's kind of cool. Right. But they don't, they don't go there. Flashback, you see her. I don't know, she lights her oven bits on fire. You know, that's fun.

They're doing like these. tests, which is another thing. It's like you're encouraging your kid, this young child to start fires with their mind with a piece of toast. And then we're all upset when the oven mitts catch on fire. But that's why you need like more of a setup for this. Because it's like what is the discussion about, oh, well, honey, if we train her, you know, she can control them. Because that's obviously what he's trying to do here. But like you don't have any of that fucking setup. It's just like, you know, uh, just an, it looks like an episode of a fucking like 80s sitcom. It's just a family in a kitchen. Yes.

Yeah. And she's like toasting a piece of bread with her mind is the idea. Well, that would a laugh track would be great when the oven ovens go up. Totally. Like he's running to the sink. Charlie. The bread's on fire and he just like run to the sink and put it out. The audience is just going crazy.

And then they find the mother in the closet. Why does it odd turn for small wonder? You get the audience gasp. It would add a lot. Small wonder. there was a robot. It was a little robot girl, yeah. That was a robot girl.

Some inventor pervert invents a little robot girl. It's like they're made, but also their daughter. And it's like, nothing to see here, folks. I made a tiny 12-year-old robot girl and nothing.

We don't have to do that these days anymore. They can just get an anime body pillow to lay with. oh man cheaper for sure in the airport it's an interesting little scene here she spies this like scumbag guy this like girlfriend

or just hook up or whatever is like clearly pregnant and she's like you know hey man you got to help me out here you know and he's like oh you probably slept with all sorts of guys and like being a real piece of shit and Charlie Drew Barrymore

like sets this dude's shoes on fire pretty awesome. Yeah. Not bad. This is another little bit where you're just kind of like, what exactly does this move if we want to do? Because it's like, it's kind of, it's, it's kind of interesting here because they have to keep moving. Like, they just want to like, they have to do that thing with the quarters, uh, in the phone. Yeah. Oh, they make, yeah, the, the, the phone spits out quarters. They can afford a hotel room. He should have done was do the, um, like, oh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, $1

or $100 and do that with a cashier. I don't know I gave you I handed you 100. Exactly. And it's a real money that you don't have to do mind money with you know. I mean that's the thing too is you have to get quarters and shit and I mean like I don't know now you're paid for a hey how much you're going to get on a telephone like 40 bucks

you know like yeah. I'll tell you this right now man a dude that looks like David Keith right here goes to a fucking CD motel with a little girl and pays for a room in quarters. That guy at the hotel is immediately calling the police. Exactly.

You got a shout out for the Hyatt at least, I think, at that point. Well, so this should be a really tense and, like, awe-inspiring scene when, like, the, the little military bracket's shoes set on fire. And, like, because it's the first time we're seeing her really let her, like,

stuff go, like, do something. But rather than actually, like, let you sit in the awe of it, he, like, goes into the toilet and fucking puts his feet in, turns directly to the camera, like, can you believe it, folks. It is a bad fucking reaction.

It's like a joke line at the end because the police guy is like, hey, freeze. He's like, mind if I put out my feet first? And the studio audience goes crazy. It's still like the better part of this movie. And the whole movie should have been them going cross country on a

road trip or whatever. Because at the end we're trying to get to the New York Times to blow the lid on everything. And it feels like kind of an afterthought. Oh, yeah. The whole, we're going to take these dudes down by telling the media. Also, how laughable is that today, right? That wouldn't work now. Oh, no, dude. I'm sure fucking Ross Duthat would have some fucking opinion column about how the shop is the fucking greatest treasure to American society or something. And John Rain Bird simply needed women, young women, and that's okay. You know, men don't have purpose anymore.

They don't have a place to go. So we have to bring back a bigger shop. a more extensive shop so that men can feel menly again. All John Rainbird as a man wants to do is take this little girl's powers with him into the afterlife. Is that so bad? Is that so bad? Clickety clack. Native mysticism. Oh, we will get to that.

Yeah, so we're mentioning George C. Scott plays, I guess, a Native American character in this. John Rainbird. Yes. It is truly something. They're giving him like a ponytail. I mean, and that appears to be about it, but there's a dark, I think he's a little tanner than normal is my dad. Do you think so? I think a touch.

Yikes. Might be the California son, but yeah. I think there's something to it. And I mean, he's got like this one bad eye, which I find out which is kind of funny. Later in the movie he puts on an eye patch. Oh, right. It's because he got a fucking, he got like infected from the shitty contact they gave him. That, that right there, Steve, that story tells you fucking everything you need to know

about this production like it was just that by the way Dino de Laurentis so you know there was money problems it was just like a scuzzy gross

North Carolina production and George C Scott got a fucking eye infection but like there you go that's the movie and then Dino Dio Larentas

once he lands in the United States tells the cashier no I actually gave you 100 I'm gonna try to fucking get this movie made Dino

at this fucking Context burned in my eyes. Don't worry, I'll just use some mind money. No, I gave you a real. You'll be the real fucking dollars, Tito. I'm playing a what? Get that shit off of me. Which is so fucking funny because, like,

ha, it does not matter that this character is Native American man. So, like, just call him John Davidson. And, you know, if you really need him to have the ponytail, fine, because I'll tell you what, George C. Scott does kind of look badass with a ponytail. But he doesn't need to be Native American. What the fuck were you thinking? You can even keep the threads

and make him a Nugent-pilled motherfucker like. Exactly. Sure. Whatever you like. Just make him a dude upset like a very clearly, like make it a real clear thing. He's a white guy that is obsessed with Native mysticism, etc., etc. Right. The Ted Nugent angle makes perfect sense because

both this character and Ted Nugent are child molesters. Bingo Bango. Yeah. I mean, I guess this character, I don't know. I mean, Ebert had that reading. We watched the Siskel and Ebert at the movies prior to recording this.

And Ebert does mention that this character seems to be a child molester. And that seems where it was going when we get there, folks, when he's like, I need the kid. You got to give me the kid afterwards. Yes. Or disposal. She needs to be disposed of. Right.

He also definitely says, because the move that he has in this movie is this movie is this fucking fatal karate chop to your nose and knocking the cartilage into your brain moves? It rules. We loved it at the time. We loved it in this shit. But he fucking tells Martin Sheen that he wants to do that to this girl. This is

this is a completely it's a character from a completely different movie. Yes. He's going to smash her nose in with his hand and put it in the pieces of bone go into her brain and cartilage and then he can maybe just

maybe absorb her fire powers for the afterlife. What is he planning for the afterlife? He's going to be some big flame warrior? He's going to get to the afterlife and everyone's like, oh, hey, John Rainberg. It's going to be like a, you know, kind of a, hey, what he called there, like a high school reunion?

Like, oh, so what have you been up to? I don't know, baby, fire powers. I've eaten about 50 souls so far. John, you can stop trying to flame at us. We're dead as well, okay? It just, you know, it doesn't really work. Yeah, but I'm not going to go's a nice party trick. Maybe when the ball drops at midnight, we'll get that out.

Oh, man. So they're, you know, on the run or whatever. There's a weird, like he almost gets hit by a truck because he falls down a hill, like onto the side of a highway. Clickety clack. What's scarier than a truck? Clickety clack. Trucks are scary, right?

What was the pet cemetery has a killer truck as well? But obviously maximum overdrive. Yeah. What does he find scary? Trucks or trucks or trucks or a little clown face on it? Oh, right? Or a clown driving a truck? At the time, sobriety, I believe.

But this truck is running out of Coke. Is not going to stop. It might as well be a maximum overdrive vehicle. I just love the notion of truck drivers said, this core's got to get there can't make it can't make it the break would just hurt everybody it's just like you're not just

even a guy but a little girl in your fucking cross there's like nope I got to get there got to be there on Tuesday hey I'm honking I'm honking well I honked an awful lot before I mowed them down oh well that's totally understandable then

drag their body through three states also in the flashback with the toast, it does kind of continue while they're at this. He's sort of like trying to get some rest at this hotel that they get into. And part of the other, the other part of the flashback is him coming home and he finds Heather Locklear like dead in a closet. The house has been, you know, gone through or whatever. Quick question. What is it, is there underwear in her mouth? What is going on there?

Like, yeah. He pulls something out of her mouth and I was really confused as to what it was. I completely forgot about that until you said it just now because they never go back to it in any way. Yeah, I think it might be. Which is just, it's an odd turn for Fire Starter. Like, why is the, so the shop wants to get these people because they have superpowers and wants to control them. I have an idea. Let's kill and possibly even sexually assault his wife. That'll get him an honor good graces. Yep, exactly. And this is like the shop,

dude you see him he like chloroforms drew barrymore right here and then like andy comes out into the driveway and there's a little bit of a face off and he just tells these dudes you're blind love that and these fucking agents just start like screaming and like falling on the ground and they can't see or whatever fuck that stop their heart just bullshit or make them you know you got these mind powers you can do anything you have fun with it debate take it for a walk like uh you guys bite each other's testicles off you know and or just like you're impotent

for the rest of your life right like it's never going to work for you I'm always thinking slightly in the back of my mind that guy from the shop

your dick don't work so therefore it'll never get up sorry baby it's that guy with the fucking mind powers again I'm trying

I'm trying we do have a scene where be Jones' dad is telling Martin Sheen and George C. Scott like the statistics from the experiment, and apparently eight out of the 10 subjects have either died

or committed suicide at this point. Yeah, real back to formula shit here, folks. Well, he comes in, because basically you meet Martin Sheen, again, a little too late in the movie, I think. You meet Martin Sheen. Yeah. And John Rainbird, George C. Scott, like, Georgey Scott has wrapped up some other Black Ops thing. It's like

what happened in Venice? It's like, we're okay you know oh right yeah I forgot about that too and is it sinking and this doctor does what you should never do when you're in black ops is go in and threaten your superior

you know what you just you don't you just don't do it folks you just if you're going to go above his head just go above his head you know what I mean don't threaten that you're going to because you're going to get fucking murdered yep yep And you just can imagine these people

being like, ha, fuck. Okay, we need an evil government type. Fuck, what did the last guy do? Martin Sheen? Okay, let's do Martin Sheen. Let's just not think of anything fucking original at all. It's just fucking do it again. What did the last guy do?

It's great. Well, it's got to look, all right, we want like a, you know, a Martin Sheen in the dead zone type. You know what I mean? Exactly like, why don't we just call him? Go to call him? You know what?

The worst that can happen is he says no. Look, you're not a senator technically in this movie. What you are is a, what is it, managerial type. Yeah. Well, he's actually, it's some sort of military. His name in the movie is Captain Hollister. I guess I just didn't, like, everybody else who is military is very, like, coded as military. He read as such, like, a, like, bureaucrat to me.

Well, that's what's weird. You never see him in any kind of, like, uniform or anything. He's just wearing a suit and tie the whole. And he's not like fighting. Bicycling around the shop. And yeah, it feels very, yeah, it feels very like he's someone from Yale or Harvard or something overseeing the study. But yeah, apparently he's military. And I guess this is maybe the Department of Defense is involved.

This whole thing of like this secret agency that's like in a house like it is reminded me, I can't think of the name of the movie now. but it's another, like, psychic kid movie. Cassavetes has that amazing death in it. The Fury, yes. This movie also was giving me real The Fury vibes. Much better movie by, oh, 100%. Yeah.

But I love C. Scott here because he, we're going to do the bad, uh, hardcore impression the entire time, but he's really restrained this entire movie. Oh, this is like his performance in, um, the Changeling for the most part. Just very low case. And he's just like, oh, look, because the guy, The scientist, like, storms off. Like, I'll tell everybody.

And then he goes, huh, excitable man. Like, you know, he's going to get him killed. It fucking rules. It's actually kind of, yeah, that is a great moment because he says that. And then he looks at Martin Sheen. And Martin Sheen, like, you just see a shot of him making eye contact back with Scott. And it's like, yep, he's going to fucking kill that guy. Don't worry about it.

And boy, does he. He goes to his house. I think he has a reed from a tree and is, like, fucking with his nose a little bit while he's sleeping. Oh, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Uchicoo, go, chagoo, I got your nose. And I'm going to smash it. I really want to try to try this with children.

It seems like that's kind of what I should be doing with these lines. This is more of practice for the children, really. You mean like shaves him fully in his sleep, tries to make him look younger. Oh, God. Could you put on a nighty of some sort here? Oh, yeah. So they're like walking down the road Doing some hitchhiking here. Andy and Charlie is

And we meet Art Carney comes into the movie Is Irv Manders driving this truck Offers to give them a ride Because they're going to Knoxville But then he's like, oh, do you want to come over to my house For lunch or something? Because they're doing like a bad like Oh my mom just gave birth

We have to get to Knoxville immediately Right. Yes. And they said like Oh yeah, she's got a baby brother named Andy that just got born. What do you think of the name, Andy? It's a corker. Now, let's get you back to my house. And Ma, Kent, I mean, my wife,

my wife could help you, you know, clean you up a little bit. You see my wife's cork and wreck. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't mean Ma'Kent. I meant Norma. And this is the thing we did in the 80s. I think we do it less now, which is a very good thing. It's just telling, oh, just tell little girls how pretty they are. Oh, this, what the prettiest little girl I've ever seen.

Oh, what a, what a. pretty little girl you got there. It's so fucking gross. But back then, man, I mean, I think one and, you know, every other person was like Freddie Kruger. They kind of, it was like, I wish I could take it home and marry you a pretty little girl. Wear your face or whatever.

It's a corkner. And I would support anybody who would legislate for me to be able to marry you little child. Yes, we should have a commitment ceremony when you come over to my house for lunch today. What a corking idea. I could technically be your quote, unquote, husband. until you find your real husband.

But yeah, no, he is kind of like a libertarian nutcase the way he confronts the government in this, which is kind of cool. He takes her home to his, I mean, speaking of child bride, Louise Fletcher, I mean, Art Cardi and Louise Fletcher, who put these two together? He's like 70 years older than her. It took me a while. I was like, oh, that's his caretaker. He's paying that woman.

I mean, I guess, because, like, Louise Fletcher is, like, just over. 50 and Art Carnie's 90 years old. You know what I mean? Same diff, I guess. Yeah, it's pretty age inappropriate. Maybe it's a second wife situation. Oh, nice. I like that.

Like his first wife dropped dead, taking care of those chickens. Get a nice young one. I married her younger sister. Yeah, exactly. That's how it works. You move down the rank. It's some bad naming here, though, because the family name here is manders. And her name is Norma.

So you got to say, Norma Manders. Yeah, it's bad. Clickety clack. Just keep moving, keep moving. We got another book to. Yeah, totally. At lunch or whatever,

Charlie sort of accidentally says something to the effect of, oh, my mom used to always say that. And then it's like, oh, I mean, she says that now because she's still alive. Now, Art Carney, like, it gets hip immediately. But so does Louise Fletcher, who, by the way, is fucking furious that he brought these people. Of course you fucking bring it a drifter into my house, dude. Now I'm going to make them lunch. Yeah, and she's doing all these disgusting table burps.

How do you know that that's his daughter? Huh? Well, that's the best part. So he goes out and then like, Art Carney's like, hey, you want a beer. Andy, that's your real name. Isn't it? Yeah, it is. It is like, do you snatch that girl?

Like, could you just ask? And he tells him this whole crazy story. But like, I don't know. If you think someone kidnapped someone, don't. ask them, call the police. Yep, you just, you get him that beer, you don't let him know that you're hip to what's going on.

And then it's like, oh, hey, got to go take a leak. I'll be right back. And I know he doesn't talk like that. I'm doing his honeymooners voice, but whatever. And then you slink off and you call the authorities. I feel like you didn't even need those flashbacks. We're just telling Art Carney

the plot of the movie here. We're stopping. We're pulling over again to explain what's happening. Yeah, yeah, Eric. Don't worry. It's just to make sure everybody's all you stupid idiots in the audience. Do you remember what happened 25 minutes ago? If this was just like, it seemed like this drifter family and he's just telling this story, we don't get these flashbacks. It might be like, who do you believe? It might be a little more compelling. Yes. As opposed to seeing the. God, it's so fucking dumb. But sure enough, the shop is on their way. And Charlie also has premonition powers that don't come into play much. Boy, it is convenient when that power goes in and out because she senses like the shop coming from way down the road.

She's like, oh, they're coming. They're going to be here soon, blah, blah, blah. And she's correct. Yet she cannot sense later in the movie when she's walking out of their little cabin, lake house, safe house thing. And George C. Scott is 20 feet away in a tree and assassinate. Did George C. Scott like push the brains in of someone

that had like oh yeah they got the cloaking powers they you know oh he's absorbing he's like mega man like once he defeats somebody he absorbs their power i got it now after this guy i'm gonna take on woodman wind man and the rest of them fuck you cut man dr wiley definitely at the shop oh yeah oh totally totally georgie scott would have made a great doctor wiley sadly oh yeah go get him top man top man top man top man is great for a lot of reasons. Fireman, flame man, cinder man. How many fires?

We've got to get a lot more in here. Wait, so top man, he's just a top. That's all he does? That's very good. I mean, that's fantastic for him, but why? Why? Does it hurt them? It's just for fun.

I'm going to kill him and be a top of the afterlife. I mean, I thought he was going to spit around. No, he just tops people. Okay. All right. All right. made like 13 13 of those games

I guess you're going to run out ideas Top man He's just he fucks him All right He's never her bottom Okay all right All right So back to

Cut man Blade man Knife man Machete man A scissor man Oh fuck first man What the fuck's a first man Oh man

He goes both ways God damn I would invent a power bottom man you just I love me get it straight you just fucks him

kind of thing is that for a children's game I want him being pitched to do this movie and him reacting to these ideas

I mean everything else makes sense they're exciting fire cutting running around fucking

he's just he's got a dog he helps him jump it's adorable there's other thing You just fucks people?

You ride the dog, literally, or the other way? The dog turns into a boat. And this other thing just fucks people. It just fucks people. He's Top Man, dude. I love it. Exit only with Top Man, dude. Don't worry about it.

I really want to play Mega Man after we don't record. Why, you want to be fucking frustrated? Yeah. They're pretty difficult. Well, I'll tell you what, because I've been playing the new-ish, newest, whatever Smash Brothers.

I've been getting back into it. It's fun as fuck to play as Mega Man, but then I was like, I wonder what, like, how far Mega Man games have come. Has there been like a newish Mega Man game?

I think there was a one for Switch, specifically. I think it was Mega Man X or something like, I forget. Top man in it or? Well, I mean, he's around. I mean, he's around. people?

You guys Fox people in this game? Yeah, it's rated X the game. Top man. The first

Mega Man to be rated X. Top man's catchphrases I didn't take it out for air. Dude, just,

you know, that he's always looking for. He's looking for it. Uh-oh. But yeah, big standoff here. Yeah,

this is your first of two great, pretty great standoffs. The second one much better than this. But basically, like,

you know, dad is just like, listen. you're gonna, I know that I keep telling you not to burn people, but this time around, you know, what? These people are asking for it. These, uh, these people right here, they, uh, killed your mother. Go get him. Yeah, I'm fine with this. Yeah, yeah, fuck him. I mean, that's, it, it is what's going on here. He's like, sicking her on them. Yeah. Which is fucking great. You know, you got to open it up. Totally. You definitely have to do it. I mean, that's the thing is when in earlier when she's like, no stealing. I'm like, I, if I'm David Keith, I'm like, I'm gonna have you burn. and at least 20 people to death. Yeah, the quarters are the least of your problems right now. We're stealing. We've got a kid and she's loaded.

Yeah, we're stealing souls later. We're just stealing quarters right now. And Arc Hardy didn't believe the story that David Keith gave him and then he starts to see this as, holy shit, you know, kind of thing. He also sees the, because she starts like freaking out in the kitchen. Right.

Cool effect here. You get the butter melting on the table. Yes. And I love Arcarnie going outside with a gun. his like his duck hunt his deer hunting rifle to try to get rid of these fucking government men they're trespassing. Oh dude

yeah he's doing a lot of get off my property. Yeah and the whole thing is like you know get off your trespassing get off my land unless you have a warrant we don't need a warrant you do unless I woke up in Russia this morning. Of course oh yep and Louise Fletcher is just like so you brought these freaks to our

house. Government's trying to get them out and now you're willing to lay down your life for these dates Loner Freaks. Yep. Got it. Got it. Okay, cool. It means I can turn a gun against my own country. Absolutely.

He didn't laugh at me when I said Reagan is God. He didn't, he just spit in my face. Oh, I like him. You know, honey, it wasn't more than 45 minutes ago. I was just planning to make bologna sandwiches for two. And now there is an armed standoff on my front

lawn. Thanks so much for bringing these drifters home. Well, we can't just help the secret police. Okay, Norma. I'm not going to be a good Nazi, which is... Oh, yeah. I mean, it is incredible how fast this dude turns in favor of helping them with, like, almost no evidence. He's our son, Norma.

What? What are you talking about? Oh, that would be great. He's just totally delusional, too, on top of it all. He's got dementia, yeah. Our son was killed in Vietnam, Arthur. He's back. I heard this man's got dementia.

That seems like potentially a superpower I might need in the afterlife. Let me crush his head in. He's going to karate chop this old man's nose. Yeah, that was the most offensive Mega Man character. Dementia Man? Yeah. He's just always like walking around confused. Mega Man like couldn't even fight him.

Yeah, you shuffles around the apartment. If you get him outside, suddenly you're lost. Sorry. It's bad. It's sad. It's really sad because then he's always like, are we together? Mega Man's like, now we're mortal enemies. You remember that, right?

Oh, come on. Do we hate each other? No. I killed your best friend, Topman. Yeah, this is how you turned Mega Man into Death Stranding, just like walking with Dementia Man through the fucking afterworld, being like, no, no, we're mortal enemies. We hate each other, and I want to take your power.

I don't know why. You make that into some, like, story, you know, very story-heavy kind of video game. Yeah. That could be a nice little offshoot. Yeah. Mega Man and Dementia Man. Literally nobody would play it, but it would be funny to come out.

It would really make me laugh. Oh, so whatever, you know, she kicks into high gear here and it is fucking fabulous watching all these agents get cooked up and blown up. You know what it kind of reminded me of actually, oh, yeah, this must be a kind of a reference in one of the best movies ever made, X-Men 2, X-Men United. When they get at the Drake's house, they get pulled over and Pyrrero starts burning up all these agents, kind of very similar. Oh, wow. the whole thing. It's almost it's a very, very similar. Wow. I, you know, I really don't even remember that

scene in X2 and it's been so long. But this, it's good. I love seeing dudes in, like, engulfed in flames, stunt performers, obviously just running around. It's great. It's kind of incredible on the, because I think all the pyro stuff in this movie is pretty awesome. Absolutely. On the, the episode of At the Movies,

boy, Gene Siskel, unimpressed with the fucking effects and he's like, you see you, a guy engulfed in flames, and boy, you could see the flame mask he had over his head, preventing him from certain death. And it's like, come on, Siska, why don't we suspend disbelieve a little bit here, man? It's still a person on fire. You know, back in the golden days, Luis Manuel would just set a man on fire and would film it. And he would think that, you know, that's, that's filmmaking.

That's cinema. I paid $6 that I want to watch a man burned a death. And, uh, Raj, they didn't let me do it. Made it let me do it, Raj. Remember when the movies used to have a body count, an actual body count. And it does, I mean, it does all the practical stuff rules. It's really fun to look at. I think he's, I mean, Mark L. Esther is a man who is into stunts.

Like, Commando is a big stunt movie. He made a movie literally called stunts with Robert Forrester. Which I saw, which is not that good. No, it's pretty bad. Yeah, that sucks. Well, the name like that, you hope it's at least exciting. And that's the HBO behind the scenes thing is all about the stunts

and honestly the six minutes of that thing just going through the stunt work and I was like this is better than the entire movie essentially I was like really into this I do love there's a couple of times this happens in this scene dudes running up to a car

to try to open the door and you see like dummies blow up and she's blowing these cars up man it's fucking great grade A dummy work It happens a lot in this movie where it's like a guy is going to do something and then they cut at a dummy explodes. I will never be bored of that effect. It's great.

It's fantastic. It's a quick smash cut. Boom. Dubby explosion. It's fucking great. And then they leave, they get away, right? And they go to, not castle rock, chimney rock. Oh, man.

That sucks. They get away, by the way, because Art Carney is like, hey, take my van. and Louise Fletcher's like, Motherfucker, what are we going to do? We don't even have bikes. We don't even have bikes. How are we going to get off our own property?

You're elderly and I'm in my mid-50s. What the fuck? Just take our Jeep and ski dattle. Just feel free. Thanks for stopping by for lunch, crazy drifter that ruined our lives. I guess I'll, and also like,

the weirdest part is at the end of the movie, these people are still alive. Because if the shop is the shop and like, you see you see george scott kill a mailman for no reason why on earth would these people not be black bagged and murdered like they know too much burn their house down yeah but no no no no but they got to bring up claire kent i mean it does make no sense though because like yeah we see the two of them at the end of the movie they take drew barry morin and you know presumably adopt or take care of or whatever but like the last we have seen the two of them. There's like 10 charred bodies on their front lawn, four exploded cars, like, who's cleaning

that up? Thank you. Is he feeding them to the pigs or something? Oh, yeah. Definitely the chickens are pecking at him, dude. Pench the name as hungry as a pig. But like Martin Sheet gets a report, like so 20 of our men are murdered at this old farmhouse. And we

let the farmer live, huh? Cool. Yep. And it's also interesting. Now, they go to the grand further what was it what was it called grand thir brand thir's fucking old lake house here to

hide out in and it's like man the government can't have been tracked down your next of kin's addresses and they're not yes I mean they do eventually get there but it just seems like a dumb place to go even though it's a beautiful lake house it is wonderful looks like a little crystal lake esk here

we get the shot of the lake and the house on it and everything some poor fat man mailman gets fucking got by D.S.I. He was, he did like a drop letter to the New York Times or something. And this is George C. Scott intercepting the mail. Oh, is that what it is? Yes. Yes. I did not understand that at all.

There's a line that Andy has that's like, you know, or Drew Barrymore says like, well, we already sent the letter to the New York Times. And Andy says, like, what if it doesn't get there? Mm-hmm. Well, because it's great because he, he goes to the mailbox and some old lady rats him out. It's like, he's here. He's delivering mail. And then George C. Scott's like, got it. Him and some other guy like have a

car on the side of the road with a flat tire. And this kindly mailman stops like, what seems to be in the trouble? And George C. Scott just chokes this dude out with a belt. Man, it's incredible. Like, this whole setup, like the belt choking, this disgusting

leather jacket that he's wearing the whole movie. You get a look at this thing. fucking gross. It's your classic long leather jacket, which always sounds better in concept. Yep, totally. It is a real time to get a new jacket situation. Here's the thing. Long leather jacket, here's, here's the test. Are you skinnier or as

skinny as Keanu Reeves was in The Matrix? Yep. The answer is no, that you cannot wear a long leather jacket. You must be this Lorenzo Lama's to ride. Absolutely, man. If you got a bit of a gut, which I do, you're not wearing a long leather jacket. And that goes for you, Mr. C. Scott. Before he

embarks on the killing of the postal worker mission, there is a good scene where he totally, it's the whole thing about like, George C. Scott agrees to go kidnap her for Martin Sheen as long as Martin Sheen gives her back to him for quote unquote

disposal. Yes, this is like the deal Drake has with Millie Bobby Brown. Oh, man. and talk to the Duffer brothers I guess when you're done with her me Drake obviously

will take care of things what does Drake have to do with it he apparently hits on that girl or something they've been like texting since the first season since she was a child

what Drake's just the pedophiles that's all no big deal that's weird oh yeah that's a pretty open secret huh

gross so George's got also the great kind of threatening Martin Sheen though basically saying like because Martin Sheen's like what's to stop me from just having you killed or whatever and he's like oh well yeah don't worry I thought about that in the event of my death yada yada yada all this stuff he's basically like if you fuck with me like you will find out I will fuck you up from the afterlife well basically I yeah you'll be you'll be in front of a judge within a year kind of a thing yeah which is pretty cool but yeah it's a real when you're done with her if you don't

mind like it's a you know what I mean are you going to finish that kind of a thing yep really gross and weird really gross and weird uh also weird churchy's got climbing this tree like a fucking grizzly bear man i need to like get a good like vantage point to assassinate them i am not hearing what i need to hear i need to yeah you're totally right dude get up there this thing with silent ease i don't think so. No, sir. No, sir. Fucking goddamn robins on this branch. Move it. The branches are breaking. There's the back. Oh, oh, boy. Oh, no. This long coat's caught. This long coat's caught. Too fat for this jacket. I knew it. Dino, I think that I am getting an eye infection, Dino, an eye infection from your rotten content. My eye hit a pine cone too. I do believe a bird

you shit on me yeah he should struggle more of this tree he looks so stupid and they're so sorry he really does I mean I think and again he's giving a good performance but he looks so ridiculous and then he just basically Merck's both these

both Andy and Charlie with Trank darts and it's pretty oh man and then the army of dudes in the woods in you know fireproof suits come out couldn't sense them either? Couldn't sense them either. Dude, it's fucking

ridiculous that they like just allowed this to happen. Like, if you're going to have this happen, she can't sense them coming down the driveway at our Carney's house. Precisely. It doesn't work both ways. Now, men, I cannot stress this enough. When you are approaching her, keep thinking, I'm

a tree. I'm a leaf. I am dirt on the ground. Just you got to keep thinking it or she's going to know. Man, what you need to do for is you got to use your choppin arm to break a branch as you

you get the power of the tree and then you believe you're a tree and you suggest you must face branch man and tree man and leaf man there was a woodman right there was a woodman he threw leaves at you and sticks awesome just leave a top man out of it

honestly he's a bit of a loof asshole afterwards he will not call you I mean at this point the Hague wants that guy. So, you know, I don't think we should be really dealing with him, even though we are a secret deadly force. Why don't I want him?

Because he fucks you and forgets you. I got ghosted by top man. I keep texting him and I get nothing back. I get the three little dots and then they go away. Which means he was thinking of talking to me, but then decided not to. Or he knows I'm looking for the dots and he's fucking with me. Oh, you fuck me, top man! So they can take into the shop.

And, like, this is where the movie totally stops when they get to this. It looks like Mama Gump's house, actually. It does. A little bit, yeah. Some fucking plantation house down there, weird shit. Because it's visually totally uninteresting. And it's like the movie gets caught. Like, not only do they get caught, the movie is now captured.

You know what I mean? the movie gets captured by Martin Sheen and he refuses to let it out and continue yeah because he basically like Martin Sheen goes up to we meet this doctor character

with the greatest actor name I've ever seen Moses Gunn Moses Gunn oh beat that dude from the killing floor a bunch of other movies fantastic actor and he basically is like

I'm your new friend Andy you and I are going to be having sessions and I want to see what you can do basically what you can do with your mind powers pal Martin Sheen definitely not the guy to because he's trying to like buddy buddy up to Drew Barrymore's character and like

clearly this guy's a scumbag you know and it's like he's way too skeezy for her to fall for it oh but they'll fall for it all right with George C. Scott as the derage janitor these close-up this is where the child molesting stuff

I was like I was like okay the shots of him gently touching her knee and like you're so I guess the thought is that like that's supposed to be like reassuring and you're showing how like him being sensitive with her

is how he is being accepted by her but it just creeps me the fuck out the whole time it's super it's super creepy but yeah he's trying or the movie's trying to tell us even though the way he talked about her before sounds like she's a piece of meat and now he's just trying to be like oh i'm your your friendly uncle and i vacuum the rug every single day i think even like towards the end of

the movie you're supposed to feel sorry for him a little bit like i think you're supposed to kind to get to a point where like oh he did actually fall in love or like have a grandfatherly love for this girl it's only tether to humanity i guess we see yes yeah the kong when he starts talking about Vietnam. That's when I was like, are they really trying to make him cool? Like a nice guy? I'm like, don't you do this. No, no. Oh, yeah. I was captured by the Kong.

Donkey Kong. He threw a barrel at me. And then did he jumped on me? I made a mistake of letting dementia man lead me around. Before I knew it, we were in Donkey Kong country. It's terrible, Charles. Every night I hear,

but da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. he made me ride a rhino with him I thought I was in a rail car getting bananas it was terrible fall down a mining shaft looking for bananas fighting alligator people after alligator people some of them stand up on their hind legs

it's fucking gross no yeah because he does this thing so he's like yeah Martin she beefs it because he's just like, oh, I'm like your dad. She's like, you're a fucking weirdo suit, gross. And, you know, what do you call it? Like, yeah, George Scott disguised himself as a janitor and like he kind of strikes out the first time.

But then he has this idea that like if he pretends to be afraid of the dark, they can bond over that kind of thing. It's really weird. So are they killed the power fucking with it or is it this storm naturally happening here? I would think they kill the power because I think that they're all in on it kind of in it. Yeah. And he's just like, oh, so scared.

and Donkey Kong country because he keeps on saying the Kong instead of Viet Cong. Yes. Yeah. So he was he was captured in a,

I guess a John McCain fashion and put into a hole somewhere. Yeah. That's what it's. Spiders and they're throwing rotten rice at me. Which is probably all... Top man isn't even there.

It's probably also a lie. I feel like this guy's just full of it. Yeah. Yeah. This guy wasn't in, probably because he's fucking saying Kong. Like wouldn't you say Charlie or at least the VC

or something like that? Something like that. Yeah, eventually he, like, says Vietnam, but it's not like, it is mostly the Kong. And then this is cutting in with scenes of them testing her. And Eric, did you notice what they call her power in one point? What do they call that? The force. Oh.

She's like, the force. We have to control the force. We also get pyro-chinesis or something. Pyrogynesis or something. Wow, you know, I just watched a movie. I know I'm almost 40 years late, but fire starters saying the force, I'm going to sue.

Yeah, that came out like less than 300 days after Revenge of the Jedi dude. I mean, return of the Jedi. Whatever. I had someone else make it. You're in trouble, man. You're getting sued.

You know, King, you think you're hot shit. You think you know, you think you can dance with the big boys. I've got lawyers. Lawyers from the Bermuda Triangle, motherfucker. They'll kill you. They'll erase you, motherfucker. You'll be erased.

Next thing you know, it's going to be the shining written by you guessed it, George Lucas. And they're going to be writing horror books

about you, motherfucker and what I do to you. The scariest thing you ever did was fucking rip me off, asshole.

I'm a nightmare. I'm like a truth. Thulu alien clown from outer space about to fuck your life up. You think a clown in a sewer is scary. Get ready for me in a courtroom, motherfucker. You're going down, you fucking weird cokehead. You're going to wish you met one of those interdimensional turtles when I'm done with you.

You've had your last orgy weirdo and no one's going to bury you in a pet cemetery because you ain't coming back. this sounds like perhaps the greatest episode of celebrity death match that Clay Nation show from 30 years ago absolutely we would have been well heavy inspiration on me it's what also quickly about the Viet Cong and George Cus got so it's yeah they sent me off to Vietnam when I was 51 years old yeah totally this dude is in his late 60s it's 1984

like, you know. Yeah, probably, probably not. Some of these tests are cool. Like, she fucking, she sets this like, a bowl of wood chips on fire. She does have a cool line. She goes, wood chips, they should have given me something harder. And she fucking, like, slams it against the window

and makes this fucking bathtub light up. That's a funny Martin Sheen thing. He's like, did you see the tub? Did you see the tub? Look at the tub. This is what he goes full dead zone. crazy voice you know what I mean because he's like oh hot man we did it we did it

yes yes yes you know what I mean well the weird the weird line there is when he's like oh hot digity dog this is so great we're gonna do this that the other thing and it's gonna hold up all the way to the Supreme Court and I was like what's gonna hold up all the way what the fuck are you talking about

the Super Soldier Act of 1986 what the fuck I don't know and I mean like I do I want to get in here a little bit I do think Drew Barrymore is kind of terrible and I mean like it's a kid actor you can tell like every scene it's just like lied like they're just feeding their lines a couple of them for sure i think she does all right in some scenes and then not so much in others yeah that's fair and it's just kid acting and kids i've never seen a good kid

before no i mean i think haley joel osbitt's excellent in uh yeah i guess but you have to look at it then you know well yeah that's i mean that's true the kid and come on come on is fantastic yeah whatie norman man that kid rules aren't all those kids older than Drew Barrenmore here? That's possibly. It's possible. It's possible. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I think that she's great D.T because she's like a little seed stealer. You know what I mean? But here, like, we're asking an awful lot of this case. Because she's like the lead, right? Yeah. Yes. I mean, she fucking does another goddamn Stephen King movie a year later,

a previous episode, a cat's eye. That's right. And that's a better use because it's, you know, 20 minutes of the movie is her. Yeah, it's not the whole movie. Also filmed down in North Carolina. Carolina, just like this movie. I mean, I do kind of like the idea

where she's basically doing that. She does need the water because the fire has to go someplace. And I think even George C. Scott asks her, like, why is that? It's like, well, could you just put it back inside? You're like, if I did, I'd burn up. It's kind of cool. Yeah, that is interesting. You know, and this is also, like, she's

starting to use these powers in these tests because George C. Scott and all these people have been saying, you can see your father if you just do it a little. And we also see her learning the power, because no, she says back off. She's like trying to turn it down. Well, yeah, totally.

She doesn't even really need the power at this point because this, my probably my favorite scene is this first scene when Martin Sheen's flipping out like, oh my God, we're just super soldiers every which way. We're going to be so fucking. We're going to be the best. We're so fucking. They left the door open. Yes.

Dude. They left the fucking door. Like, this would be the biggest black guy for if this place existed. It leads to the funny. George C. Scott line of the movie, though, because it's, yeah, it's Martin Sheen tap dancing about, we're going to take this to the Supreme Court or whatever. And George C. Scott

is basically like, oh, you are you satisfied with yourself, are you? Yes. In all your excitement, your assistant left the door open and the fire starter just walked out. And all these fucking people in this broadcast news room filled with fucking cameras, none of them

saw it. Because Martin Sheet was tap dancing. And that's the weird thing is, does it go anywhere? Because I think even Joyce Scott's like, who is going to be man enough to go get her? And nobody says anything, but then the next thing, she's just in her cage again, kind of the thing. Right. Well, but before that, he puts his nails over a chalkboard real quick. Just to stamp it there for you.

And I'll catch your fire starter. Meanwhile, David Keith is losing his power because they're drugging him up too much kind of a thing. So, like, he beefs a couple of tests. he's trying to get a guy to put ink in a glass of water and the guy's like, no, I will not do that. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. It's just him in a room and like,

all right, you're going to do this. You can see your daughter. If you just make this guy do this thing, it's like, no problem. That's easy. And he's like, no. It seems like they're trying to drive his power out of him basically

by giving him all this medication. Yeah. Which he then starts not using so that he could, I mean, you should saw this coming. I mean, there should be like an IV drip or something. You should force this medication into this man. Just kill him. Just

kill him. Shoot him in the back of the head. It's over with. Yes. This is what happens when you give them well-butrin. Yes. This is what happens is you lose your power. Hi, Elon Musk. You petriles. And you shouldn't like well-butcher. Fuck you. Yeah, I have just bought the shop

now. I buy the shop and Twitter. What a useless fucking human being. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love, there's a security guard. It's one point. It's kind of useless, but it's, she's crying in her room because she misses her father. And he's crying in his room because he misses his daughter.

And there's just one security guard watching both tapes. Like, yep, everything's in order. Yeah, I am working for a place that is on the up and up. Everybody crying? All right. Just write that in my little notebook. So they, Martin Sheen realizes like, you know, they finally are like, we just got to kill this guy. And they make up this fucking fake story about like, oh yeah, Andy, we're going to

take you to our fucking, like, dry-out facility, our fucking chill-out tent, Maui. We just, we're going to get you on a helicopter to this army base, and then you're going to get to go to Maui and recover quietly while we definitely don't murder you. But also, like, why? All right, so that's the thing. And it's like, all right, we're going to do that a week from Friday. Like, no, no, no, no. It's tonight.

And we're just, we just show peshy this dude. Put him in the next room. Yeah. Oh, no. I mean, you don't need. You put a lay on them. And then you should. I don't get this

you don't need any story just murder him but this is where I mean now we're really in the weeds the movie has completely slowed down where we get multiple scenes of Drew Barrymore riding horses with her uncle John

this orderly now and it's like we're in such a lockdown facility she can't even leave this room but now we're she's believing that this orderly can take her out and have these rides you're gonna ride on this horse

necromancer his name. That's weird, right? And that is no way a red flag that my horse is named, necroman. Oh, you want to know? You want to know what? Necromat? Oh, man, just, it's sort of like a wizard. A wizard of the dead. I mean, if I was David Keith,

one of the first lessons I would have given Charlie is like, if any adult ever tries to get on your good side, run away. Exactly. Just get good advice. Any fucking who wants to be your friend, just be, wary. Stranger danger, this and that. Also, by the way, if we're ever captured and put in the facility, everybody's in on it. Except me. How about that? Even if they're nice. Even if

they're nice to you. Hold up a little bit, Charlie, there. I just realized in the afterlife, we might all turn into horses. So I'm going to bash this horse's brains to gain its powers. I'm going to eat its brains just to be safe. I didn't think I would have horse powers at the afterlife, did you? I don't know, man. We're just all like sitting on clouds. Could you stop being an asshole? Yeah. What do you think about my horse powers?

Topman. I'm a centaur. It started at Topman and he's just been trying to impress him ever since by gaining all these other things. I see.

Got it. Topman, why won't you text me back? I didn't get a lengthy text here about the horse power I also just acquired. You've met your latest nemesis horseman.

Hey, Topman. Hope you're well. Not trying to creep into your DMs or anything. Hey, ha, I have horse powers.

If you want to meet up for coffee and talk about it. Fuck, that was too strong. That came out too strong. Fuck. You know what? Let me just send him a dick pick of my horse cock. I got from my horse powers. You know, you looked good.

You were looking good on that vacation you took with it. Is that your boyfriend? Who is this guy? You know, this rest of my afternoon, Charlie. I'm going to be in an Instagram hole. So why don't you go back to the stables on your own? Ah, looks like you look like a little fancy boy. I went to Vassar, did he?

Not wearing much on vacation. She been in the same bed, huh? Well, whatever. That beach looks nice. You know who likes beach is me? Oh, fuck. I accidentally liked a picture from three years ago. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit. Got to delete my account. I should have been on my dupe. What am I doing? Ficked it up again. Fuck. so whatever there's like another test she lights a bunch of fucking cinder blocks on fire that's truly something it's pretty cool it's i mean it's pretty cool and then like she's like oh next time i need

more water she's got this cool like they get like an ice sculpture next to this cinder block wall yeah this was pretty awesome dude all this shit like melts immediately and the water's boiling and steams everywhere practical stuff looks cool you know what it does it totally does i bet you this new movie's not going to have a lick of it i don't think so and Moses Gunn does something very nice he tells you what's going to happen in the movie he's like now yes we have control here and everything

but if she were ever to see her father again you don't know what could happen yeah and then you're like 20 minutes later because she saw her fucking father it's fucking over thank great um but yeah so Martin Sheen I guess to like this fucking dramatic setup of taking him to Maui

like they're going for a walk and he's like telling him about the helicopter's going to come get you or whatever and of course Andy has stopped taking his medication secretly so he's able to mind dominate Martin Sheen at this point he does a little what we did in the shadows like why I didn't know

you like to eat the worm because he's just like oh right because he's like oh it's weird you're holding he's just holding a leaf he's like that snake's going to bite you're like ah snake a snake it's got a oh man it's fucking pretty great there oh there's also

so he's telling you know he's like all right you're going to do this and that blah blah blah and Martin Sheen tries to break free of the mental hold because he sees a security guard walking by and he just gets out like hey David

and then like Andy gets him in control again and makes it just look like he's waving to this guy and you can see the security guard on the other end be like yeah all right colonel whatever the fuck he's waving at me you're a total douchebag to work for thanks man all right Hi.

Why is my boss waving at me like that? It's pretty awesome. So the whole thing is like, tell, you know, get a message to my daughter. We're going to tell her to meet me at the stables at 8 p.m. And then there's like this other, like, so he tells Martin Sheen to set this up. So I think it's Martin Sheen sends this other security guard, this guy, Mike, to like take her and bring her down or whatever. Well, this is the dumb thing is just once he gives her a nice note, this is, you know, hey, Charlie, it's me, your dad, just an FYI. I'm going to secretly take you out of this facility.

He forgot to say, P.S., if you've made any friends, don't tell them about them. Totally. Yep, exactly. Because she immediately goes and tells George C. Scott, like, guess what? Uncle John or whatever the fuck. Like, my dad's going to get us out of here. He found a way to escape. Do you want to come with us?

Well, it's not top man, but it'll do. well he does i i do kind of love his performance here as like nice uncle johns like wow that's super swell you're gonna trick all these dummies at this facility that i also absolutely work for uh and you think your nose is not gonna go into your brain and that's just beautiful that you think that um so they whatever they get to the fucking barn and george c scott is like high up in the rafters, like getting ready to shoot them or whatever. In comes Andy with Martin Sheen sort of in tow right here. And dude, if I could like things go tits up here immediately. George C. Scott fucking shoots Martin Sheen right in the head. Oh, it's awesome. Oh, it's great.

Yeah, because there's a brief mind power of like, hey, Martin Sheen shoot at, you know, Rain Bird. And also like, I don't know, Rain Bird. If you're, I mean, obviously you can't really control the situation because that's where the meat's going to be. but you have to be like, I am surrounded by hay right now. And it's not exactly a bunch of oily rags next to me, too. Oh, God, this is where they store the gasoline, huh? I technically should be fine.

I killed a water guy the other month. He's trying to convince her not to fucking use the firepower. And he's like, if you do, you're going to burn up a whole lot of horses in here. My buddy, my buddy, necromancer. wants to see his wife tonight. You don't want to make this the set of a David Miltch TV show, do you? Oh my.

But yeah, so he gets shot, Martin Schen get shot in the head and then George Scott shoots David Keith right in the neck. Oh, yeah, it's a good one. And this is, I kind of love David Keith instead of being like, you know what? Just survive, baby.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, just or like find a way to live a normal life is like burn these fuckers to the like it's just totally with my dying breath avenge me you kill anyone who gets in your way burn it all down so they can't

yeah so they can't do this again to someone else and my god the ensuing chaos well first of all George C Scott gets lit up oh yeah oh that's great she does the full midsumar on these people like it's a fucking insensitive boyfriend in there well because you see you do have some good wirework too

because when George C Scott gets lit up they fucking pull the body so it goes flying into the barn door his last line because he's like look at me Charlie I need to see your eyes when I fucking take

your life for your superpowers and she just burns him up but his last lines are I love you Charlie as he's burning oh yeah disgusting

pretty disgusting I'm hard as a rock Charlie I love you she starts like because he fires a gun and she blows up the bullet like mid

shot and like then from then on out she's like literally bulletproof she's just making these bullets pop left and right from these guys guns it's crazy it yeah she blows his bullet when he shoots it at her and then like yeah it's it's a cool effect and yet now we're doing and this we get

these fucking fireballs which rule which are just like literally something something it's literally a ball of fire on a wire that kind of just goes from here to there it's like a it's like a cannon ball that's on fire and what's weird is like you never see it from like

facing Drew Barrymore but definitely in one shot the way they angle the fireball coming away from the little person stunt person it looks like these things are supposed to be like emanating from her face so she's doing remember in Mortal Kombat too when Shang Sun's power

was like those flaming skulls he could shoot at you yeah that's what it fucking looked like man she's just throwing like skulls out of her own face and she fucking lights up Moses gun in this golf car trying. Oh, my God. Just slowly putt in the way. That's because he's like, uh-oh, oh shit, the shit's sitting in the

fan. Let me get into the slowest conveyance possible. And there's been one agent that sort of, we don't get a name, I don't think, but he's been around, get a lot of screen time. He does look like a very young beardless Levant Helm. And like this dude,

he gets it. She fucking launches this dude. The corpse goes, like the flaming corpse goes flying up into a tree holy shit. Because he's the guy like it's the first guy that shoots at Superman you're like oh he didn't know. You know what I mean? But like

every guy after that needs to be like it don't work. He sees all these dudes firing at this little girl and he's like I'm the guy whose bullet's going to work. Like no dude it's been established she's too hot to shoot with a bullet and now I didn't see

notice him obviously but one of these faceless dudes I don't know which scene maybe was the earlier one, but Dick Warlock is in this movie as one of these dudes. And so is George P. Wilbur as well. They're both. Oh, weird. Both of the shapes are just, I mean, they were just they're just stunting. Yeah. Well, but I mean, that's

the imprint of Carpenter, man. Like, who knows? Maybe they would already hired before Carpenter got fired or something. Yeah, they stayed on after he left. I mean, it's just, it's nice to see Dick Warlock and that and the other shape. Wilbur, yeah, totally. Yeah. Um, she blows up a fucking helicopter in midair.

That's pretty awesome. And yeah, I mean, and they're, he's just burning up this house. They, in the IMDB incorrectly, uh, notes that, uh, Heather Lockler is the only female casualty, no way. I mean, in, no, you've seen a lot of female technicians and that house is burning. You're hearing, yep, women scream as much as man, like she burns them all. Oh, oh, yeah. Absolutely. And for sure, when she goes back to mom, pot, Kent, Louise Fletcher's having a heart attack when this man agrees to take care of her after all of this. She's dead. She's gone.

You'll be safe now, Charlie. And, like, it's just, yeah, the fucking last shot of the movie is just Art Carney taking her into this fake New York Times office building. It looks, it looks like the New York Times office that would be in a mall. Like, if there was, it's just like a really small door that says New York Times over it, and ice cream. And it's pointedly just him at the girl. Luis Fletcher.

She's either dead or she left him for good. And he's on his, he's working on wife number three. I am not driving from Virginia where this movie is set up to fucking New York City so you can bring this weird psycho girl to the newspaper. Oh, oh, you want to drive her? You want to drive her to New York with what motherfucker? True. We have not replaced the Jeep that you gave that guy.

You're going to take a stroll to New York? And I guess since it's only like a, you know, it's like a decade or less after. after Watergate, we suddenly feel like, oh, yeah, you know, the newspapers can make everything right in the world. Yeah, totally. Just got to tell the newspaper and they'll fix everything. Yeah. Government agents cruelly set on fire by, yeah, air by young leftist. Yeah, exactly. Maggie Haberman's like, well, I'm going to hold on to all these Martin Sheen's stories because I'm writing a really sick book about it. It's going to be great. It's going to be great.

And that is the end of this fucking movie, man. Would anybody recommend it? Steve Saneck, we'll start with you. It's a light recommend. It's two hours. It could really be 90 minutes. I do think the two fire freakouts, George C. Scott and Martin Sheen are kind of worth it.

You know what I mean? Like even though George C. Scott doing this date of a very good thing, it's cringy, but it's also kind of fun to watch. It's a light recommend for me. And also, by the way, the Tangerine Dream score, fucking rules. Yeah. Chris Cabin.

Yeah. I'm going to have to say, you know, like if you could find a compilation of the two fire scenes, that's kind of all you need. I'm going to say no because like,

yeah, it starts promising, but the shop stuff slows it down so dramatically and turns this movie into a creepy weird like Lars von Trier's shit for like a little bit. And you're just like on edge.

with whatever George C. Scott is doing. Yeah. And like, I was just like, no, I don't need any of this. I prefer not to. I would love to see this 300 page thing that Carpenter was getting going. Oh, definitely. That sounds fantastic. Eric Sisko. Yeah, no, I definitely see both points of view. I guess it would be maybe a light recommend for me just for the stunts and the practical effects were really cool. And I think like the first like 40 something minutes, I was actually kind of enthralled with this movie. But then it does stop dead. It does have this.

weirdo George C. Scott, is he trying something with this kid or not? It derails itself. The music is awesome. So it's a light recommend, but I understand if you don't. Yeah, it's a no for me. I'm with Chris. Look up the fucking highlight reel, the special effects. That's really kind of all there is here. And you know, I will say I'll be the lone one here. I think it's kind of a lesser Tangerine Dream score. I love Tangerine Dream. I think they do great work. And I don't think that this is bad, but like, because usually when I hear tangerine dream like start up in a movie I'm like fuck yeah like here we go

so I don't know if it's like because this movie is so slow and not really anything that affected maybe I should listen to the score on its own and see how I feel about it but yeah it does just fucking stop dead for like a solid 50 minutes and that's really unfortunate but that is gonna do it for our convo on

Firestarter if you want more we hate movies check out patreon.com slash we hate movies we got a lot going on this month as always of course there's a we love movies episode on Michael Man's Collateral, which was a lot of fun. We got Melrode 210, of course, and the Nexus back. Eric, who we talking about on the Gleap Glossary this month? Now, the Gleap Glossary,

if you're new to the show and don't know what that is, this is where I read a little entry about one of the lesser-known Star Wars characters to the guys, and we riff on and have a good time. This month on the show, we are talking about George R. Binks. That's the father of Georgia Binks, and it's

a wild story. But that's not the only Star Wars content we have coming out this month, right? Am I nuts? Oh, no, you are not nuts. You have got the good brains. It is what it's Obi-1 Canobi. We're doing a recap series. Obipod Canobi, we're going to call it because we're dumb.

And we're going to recap the show. So there's going to be a, I think at the end of the month, there's going to be two episodes dropped. So we're going to do one episode on both of those. And we're going to continue until that show is done for now. that's right so be sure to subscribe on the top tier of our Patreon and that'll also get you what happens at the $8 level which is a talking

cat the commentary a talking catmintry man we are going to on the date that we were recording this episode we are going to also record that commentary I've never seen this movie I barely know what it is I'm very excited because you all have had your fucking souls chilled watching it

and you unlock everything by the way everything we've done because I just want to also plug that Harry Potter commentary a lot of people loving it and we will continue down that street eventually but there's an embarrassment of riches on the archive the whole stuff

yeah the archive of the first like 100 episodes or so yeah and of course on the main feed the show we'll go on here next week Steve what are we talking about we are talking about a nightmare on Elm Street 3 live from Cleveland ladies and gentlemen

that's right this was our was this our first show back on the road in 2021 one. I believe it was. Yeah, I guess it might have been. It was a lot of fun. A lot of John Saxon impressions if I remember correctly. Oh, up and down the board, man. This was a good one. It was a good room, good club, good audience.

So that is going to be a lot of fun talking one of the wildest Nightmare and Home Street sequels, the Dream Warrior. So until next week, I'm Andrew Juven. Stephen Siddack. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hit-gum podcast.