We Hate Movies - S12 Ep613: Mortal Kombat (2021)

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

On this week's episode, the gang was live on the Internet a while back chatting about the 2021 Mortal Kombat reboot! Yes, this was the film that had a horrendously animated all-lizard Reptile, a really cool prologue sequence that feels like it's from another (better) movie, someone getting stabbed with their own frozen blood, and, you guessed it, a no-name protagonist that no one in the audience cares about! PLUS: The return of the VHS Trailer Game and a stupid t-shirt contest!  Mortal Kombat (2021) stars Lewis Tan, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Joe Taslim, Mehcad Brooks, Tadanobu Asano, Chin Han, Ludi Lin, Max Huang, and Hiroyuki Sanada as Scorpion; directed by Simon McQuoid. Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thank you. I'm going to be. Whoa, whoa, there it is. Wow, holy smokes. Welcome to We Hate Movies Live, everybody. We just popped in here. Hello, hello to all of you fine folk all over this rotten globe of ours. My name is Andrew Jupin, and I'm alongside three pretty sexy novices getting ready to get into a fighting tournament over the

their own. We got Steve Sadek. Hey everybody. Eric Siska. Howdy. And Chris Cabin, Goro himself. Babelity. Ew. Oh, imagine Chris just turned into a baby right on this. Oh, that would be amazing. That's what they should have. I know that at the end of the movie,

spoiler alert, they're like, oh, we're going to find Johnny Cage or whatever they're going. It should be like, we need to find the secret of the babality. Oh, man. Tees that out for the next movie. Like, oh, we know in the next movie they'll be baby. Look, if they were all babies, if they were all babies, that wouldn't have been a problem. We would have won easily if they were all babies. Come on guys. Naria, nary a bavality, animality, friendship. I guess maybe there's a brutality here and there. But this is Mortal Kombat from last year. Of course, directed by Simon McQuid. You know him

from directing absolutely nothing. This fellow, I don't know. He saw somebody murders someone he saw his own fatality i suspect he did the the intro the scorpion subzero intro as like a test as like this is what we could do with it show they showed that to producers and they're like okay here's five million here's ten million how much however much this thing caused and they made a risk because that one thing does feel like its own thing it does because it's like the only like incredibly well done part of the movie yeah yeah pretty much And it's consistent. It's well-paced.

You care about what's happening. It's very interesting how that works. The major glaring problem with this movie, right at the top, where are all the Mortal Kombat characters I know and love? Like Robocop, the Terminator, or John Rambo. Jason Voorhees, I think, was there. Maybe Freddie was one of them. Is it the Joker involved as well?

Sure is. Oh, yeah. We start getting into the Joker, which we're going to get into a lot tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I do want to hit play really quickly. Coming soon to theaters. It's the VHS trailer game, America's favorite game about obsolete materials.

I should say the worlds, because we get people in Australia and the UK listening tonight. Everyone in the world is watching me, by the way. It's a world famous game we play. Sorry, everybody. Exactly. I am the game master and these are my clues. I do want to just take a victory lap on this.

this horrible t-shirt I'm wearing on purpose. Oh, sure. Before this show happened, I was like, you know, let me find the worst Mortal Kombat shirt I can find on the internet. And I think I, I think I might have done it. So let me just do a little stand up here. Here we go. To do-doom, chit-doom.

He's too big. What you got here is you got Scorpion, you see. That's right. He's a mortal combat symbol. Oh, very sharp. Over there, you've got his buddy there, a sub-zero. He's on top. Can I just tell you, Steve, this is a, it's a cop showing you his bad tattoos.

This is what you're doing. And right here, because the mic is blocking it, this is a reptile. And he's throwing up through the sleeve, you see. You can't really. Just like the character, he just throws up on people. Yeah, there it is. And even party in the back here, folks. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. Mortal Kombat ass. I mean, X. Now, be honest, Steve. On the internet, you meant in your closet, didn't you? When you said Mortal Kombat. Steve lost his mic. Steve's ruined his computer.

Oh, this is something. Oh, see, that's... Well, I'll say, so I'll say this. Okay, so you still can't hear you. So, Steve had said he bought a stupid shirt, and I was like, okay, let me go and see if I can hunt out an equally stupid shirt. shirt and buy it and then we could do like a shirt. I thought

I should have specified. My dream was it was going to be a reveal to Eric and Chris like who's got the dumbest shirt and we undress. So I am going to undress on the air. Oh, here we go. You guys get a look at what I'm working with here. Take it slow. Take it slow. We need to very slow.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to vamp as much as possible. Oh, the zipper. Do I sound okay now? Am I sound? Now we're going to go. Now we do. Yay. Okay. No, no, no, no. Do it slower. Do it. sexier. This is, I mean, Steve, your shirt's stupid. I think my shirt is equally stupid.

I think we're both winners here tonight. I think it's the idea. But look at this fucking dumb shit I found. Oh, no. What is this? It's red. Is that a Goro? There's already a better shirt than mine.

So here we go. Goro, I think. Uh-oh. Oh, is it Goro? Oh, wow. Oh, no. Brutality. Wow.

Wow. So that's Stone called Stephen Austin, eh? It is a Goro, it is a Goro Stone called Steve Austin mashup and it's Goro with his top two hands chugging beers and his t-shirt says Brutality 316

You want a big fat party animal Goro. Yeah, no, it would be something, right? If it was a big fat party animal guy? Yeah, sure. Right. Oh yeah. Do I sound okay now? Now we're doing this one. You are good. You're good. You're good. If like Gorg, he's got all those arms. What's he doing with them? How about it's a beer?

You know? You know? He's drinking beer. He's drinking beer holding on to ladies maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah. I want a lady goro, right? A giant Goro. They did have a lady Goro. What was her name? Sheena or something? Oh, she's in part three. Shira. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sheena is a punk rocker, Mortal Kombat character. I think it was Shiva. Yes, Shiva. That's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't need big buckets. You would just need, uh, Goro could just hold, uh, all

the kegs of beer. Like two up there and then he's got one with his arm. He's good. Wait, Tabin, you just inspired me, man. Goro, the college years. Dude, he's big man on campus carrying the kegs to the fucking frat house. Absolutely. By the way, I love that technical difficulties

have derailed the VHS trailer game. No, I was about to bring it back. Now the technical difficulties are over with, theoretically. I'm never going to stand up ever again. Oh, this is the VHS trailer game. We play for points and it's

the point system. It's 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. We're going to do a hand raised system. That's going to work because it's visual here. And I can tell who you guys do these? I have no idea. I don't know. We're just raising hands, folks. We're going to raise hands. What we know what it is. If you

get the answer incorrect, within that round, you have to come back in the next round. The first of these, these are all on by the way, obviously, Mortal Kombat was streaming only, and then was in theaters a little bit. This is from the 1995 Mortal Kombat.

So New Line Cinema, 1995. Set your heads to that. Do you folks notice that Chris already has his gun out? Like, he's already raising his gun. Hands at your sides, ladies and gentlemen. Put them down. Put them down. They're down. They're down.

Chris had a notorious cheater. See? Look at this. The sneak. All right. Okay. So here we go. It's happening again. Hand down. Round one. For this, actually, FYI, you'll find out it's a sequel in about three seconds.

If you give me in the first round the full title with the correct subtitle, I'll give you six points. If you just say it's so-and-so two, I'll give you four points. So you can't really get five on the first round. Okay. Round one. Game Master's Clue. An almost completely recast Cyber Thriller sequel, which

boasts even more VR. Chris Cabin. Fuck you, Chris. Longmore Man 2 Beyond Cyberspace. Ooh, six big points for beyond cyberspace. I did not see that coming. Dude, he guessed the dumbest subtitle in movie history.

I'm very, I'm very familiar with this film. Matt Fruwer as in the what's his name? Role. Joe Fahey. Lawmore man. Yeah, he is Lawmore man. Tagline, God made him simple. Science made him a God. Now he wants

revenge, i.e. the plot of the first lawnmower. I.e. the plot of Elon Musk and everyone else that has money. I think the kid in it is the kid from Last Action Hero. He is. And he's also the first one. He's the only returning cast member from the first film. You're right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's, that's... Oh, the kid from Lawn Marroman one is the kid from Last Action Hero and My Girl 2, that kid? Yes, he is. Oh, I don't remember that. All I remember, not all, but the best thing I remember about that first lawnmower man was when we did it for the show and I watched the director's cut and you watch that monkey get assassinated?

Yes, yes, I love that. By like a hit squad? Holy shit, it's awesome. I need, we would need to do part two on the show, I think. Maybe this year. Maybe it's this year, folks. Well, it turns out it's Chris Cabin's favorite movie. I've seen it more times than I would like to admit. Okay. So, round two. Game Master's Kluo. The American Coming Out Party for an international legend, though it certainly wasn't filmed with a title, but have you believe. Andrewbin. Rumble in the Bronx. Yeah. It is Rumble in the Bronx, Jackie Chan, obviously. legendary Toronto film

Yes Not in the Bronx even at all Not even a little bit There's certain pieces in Hong Kong Mostly it's in Vancouver actually Was where they did it was that right Oh I always thought it was Toronto No you get those mountains of majesty

And I'm sure our Canadian friends know What we're talking about There are no mountains of not a mountain in the Bronx I will say That's the title of your new book Just a mountain in the Bronx Just a mountain of personalities. Okay.

The title of one here. Last one. Title of what? Title of what? No, it's a very good rap album by Wiki called No Mountains in Manhattan. Okay. Oh, okay. Zero points for that.

Round three. A gritty 90s classic that boasts industrial rock hits, literature references. Chris Cabin. Seven. It's seven. Wow. So, uh, industrial rock. You said industrial. I was like,

so how was watching the VHS tape of a Mortal Kombat 95 before this? I, it was, you know, it was a little scratchy, Eric. I got to tell you. I was using my old one from the, uh, Columbia House days. So it's been through a, it's been through a wash. But the cool thing is Chris has a lot of points tonight. Andrew has some points. Eric has zero. But you, the listener, are about to get some prizes. Am I right? Yes. So we partnered with T-Public to do a T-shirt giveaway for this show.

Some of you know that we did it on Twitter and we got all your names and we put them in the discombobulator, but then we had to re-combobulate them. And then they got kind of lost and we had to discombobulate and recombulate again. And we've calculated some winners. So each person that I'm going to list off now is going to get one shirt apiece and DM us on Twitter if we say your name and handle here. So the first up. You on Twitter for different reasons.

Just whatever you want. Oh, what reason would that be? Just don't worry about it. No, wait. No, it's like it's like pervert stuff. You know? All pyramid you love this this show warded shirt. Oh yeah. All pyramid scheme requests go to Steve. Yeah, you should

sell that shirt on like eBay and listed as a used panty. He's vomiting. Is this supposed to be acid? You keep up saying it's just blowing chunks. Like Goro brought the kegs over and reptile just had a little too much. Are there chunks in it? Are there carrots?

No, it's pretty streamed. I'm definitely not giving away this brutality t-shirt, by the way, because, listen, everybody needs a rag to clean their toilet. Speaking of a rag to clean their toilet, T-shirt winners, but you know, you could also wear our merch. You don't have to clean a toilet with it. But it's up to you. You're the winner. You're the big winner.

You survive the discombobulation and the recombolation. Sean Goff at Buttonhead CEO. You are our first winner tonight. Well done. We should say, by the way, you get the choice of either the new Mortal Kombat t-shirt or the new bean dinner t-shirt. So when you email us or DM us rather specify that also very important. So start that conversation. We'll ask you for your address and all that.

Anyway, Chris Cabin. Cannot wait to hear the next winner. Come on, man. I want to hear the name. Aaron at the disco spider, but in the is the three. Okay. So you're,

you want a shirt. Disco spiders. Do they have eight-legged t-shirts on the T-Public? Is that an option? I don't know. They should have at least four, right, for Goro. Goro would like to love our t-shirts. And the last one, Chris Cabin.

I was doing a disco because it was Disco Spider. Yeah. Oh. See, he was trying to do this with it. Will Oxford at Will Oxford won. You are our final winner tonight.

You survived discombobulation and recombulation. Why don't we go? He should get shirts to shirt magnates. He invented the Oxford shirt. His father did. of course. Oh shit. So we shouldn't rich kid here. We shouldn't give them anything for free. Exactly. No, no, of course.

He won. He won. They won. That's exciting. That's why it pays to follow us on social media, folks. Sometimes, sometimes free stuff comes around. Can I take an unpopular opinion real quick? Oh, here we go. Okay. I didn't hate this movie. I don't like this movie.

This movie doesn't work. It's okay to like a movie. I had just enough fun where I'm like, okay, this is not the worst. movie I've ever seen in my life. That's where I'm at. And in the world in which I was 17 and I saw this movie and it ruled. That's what

I'll... Sure. Okay. This versus 1995. Oh, 995 is much better. You got to go 95. This is the second best Mortal Kombat movie. 95 is... Good to know. I think one of the best video game movies, period. Yeah. Annihilation is a nightmare and this is just like

stupid, extra dumb violent and like the cursing is really annoying, but also kind of funny. And this was my first movie back in a theater after 2020. So, wow. Yeah, I went out, I went out early, you know, everyone was like, don't do it. You're going to die. But I was like, mortal combat's in the theater. And I had fun with it. I, you know, I did. But there are, there are a lot of issues here. First of all, I already said them. Where's Robocop? Where's the Terminator? Where's John Rambo? Where's smoke? Where's the, where's the, the toasty guy? And Cyrax and noob, Saibont.

I mean, here's the thing. I know what's Syrax and Noob Saibat. I, they screwed me up so hard with the Cabal design. Yeah. Because I was expecting the Tuscan Raider look. And instead, he looks like Syracs.

He looks almost like that's kind of, I guess you're right. It's kind of a mix of both. But like you don't have like the bright yellow or the bright red indicating one of them two robots there. So, but I'm that fucking voice that they have on Kabbal by the way. I thought that's, I mean, they're like red light bulbs, right?

I thought that was pretty accurate. He's got him in this stupid movie. Well, though, but the cabal, I know at least, is like got those big stupid, like can eyes. Yeah, yeah. Like the little ignite vision, like when Ray Stans is trying to see a ghost to give him, so, to find a ghost you into the blowjob from. He looks, he looks more human. He looked more human. And yes, he's just a full robot.

And this, he's a robot who sounds like he runs a deli in the Bronx. Yes. Do you know? No. Did you look it up? Who did this voice? No, no. Because the body is just like a stuntman.

But the voice is the dude. Because we shot this movie in South Australia. There's a ton of Australian people running around this movie. It's the guy who he played Charlie Manson in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Oh, shit. And also Charles Manson on Mind Hunter. Nice.

It's that guy. It's that guy. the voice of cabal in this movie from justified dewee crow yes yep doy crow from justified that little your guy is doing that stupid voice charles manson should be a character in the movie put him in the movie well yes whoever he just died of natural causes in prison that's why they kept trying to kill him in prison they wanted that mortal combat logo you know what i mean they wanted his powers no no charlie we really thought you would find your arcana when you did that um that's it's a Pretty wild.

A laser out of the swastika in his head. Exactly. No, his arcana was being an amazing folk singer, Chris. It's true. He's fantastic. The angelic voice. Just ask the beach boys. So we start in a movie that's not this movie, which is Shay, Scorpion's Bad Day, I guess.

Scorpion's bad day. I have to, I got to stop you, though. I got to stop you because we were, we just recorded our We Love Movie. episode on Dune that's coming out later this month and one of the things we're vetching about

is that in that huge movie we don't have an alternate WB logo and I just have to say if fucking mortal combat can get an

alternate opening Dune qualified for an alternate WB opening folks absolutely it did I wonder if Phil Nove didn't want it that seems like

classic let's like let's open and shut it this one even like this isn't even specified moral combat. It just looks like you're in an iron works for most of it. Great point that it's not specified mortal combat. You know why? Because this movie doesn't start with the Mortal Kombat

scream, which like, I know we're trying to get away from it, but like, you have the rest of the movie to get away from it. Just give me the scream. I didn't know what movie I was watching until the end, until the end title card. I was like, what happened? Oh, oh, okay. That's actually not true. It's, that's not true due to

the hilarious amount of the times people in this movie say Mortal Kombat, which I have to tell you, regardless of how you feel about this movie, and like, I will admit, it played a little better for me this time than the first time I watched it. Hearing a human

being in a movie say Mortal Combat is the equally dumbest and funniest thing you will ever experience. Just grown adults in a movie seriously saying Mortal Kombat. See, that's a problem. It's too serious. Seeing it as graffiti as well is also really hard to take seriously when it's on the wall.

They're like, we found it. It's just mortal combat. It's just like at the back wall of a warehouse. Somebody had written it. And you just decided that's how the K got there. Somebody misspelled it on the fucking wall. Oh, you're, because, what, they go through the thing where it's like, every culture in history knew about mortal combat.

We've always known about mortal combat. You're right. It sounds stupid. But like, if you have Christopher Lambert saying it, Mortal Kombat, You know, it sounds. Yeah. Do it. Do it.

Mortal combat. That just, that makes sense, but just some dude saying mortal combat doesn't. Right. So Hanso Hasashi looks at his wife. He's got, you know, idyllic little Japanese scene here in 1590, whatever. He looks at it. I dare anyone in his committed relationship to look at your partner in the morning. Without warning, I'd just be like.

I'm so grateful and blessed to be with you today. They'll be like, okay, so what, so what did you do last night? What was going on last night? Exactly. I'm so blessed and grateful for this amazing family. Anyway, I'm off to collect a bucket of water from two towns over. I'm instantly thinking my husband's trying to kill me when ninjas show up. I mean, sure, I guess you'd be a little terrified.

You'd be a little terrified about like, oh, gee, like, maybe they cheated on me. But I think the more real reaction is, so are you going to kill me right now? Is that, am I going to die today? Or are you never coming back from this water adventure you're going on? Like, I am so grateful and blessed to be with you. Goodbye for a little bit. Yeah. If I am going to die today, let me know. I'm not going to do this shit anymore. I'd like, I'd be inside like just hanging out, maybe sleeping even. But the water is so far away. He doesn't hear the scuffle. He doesn't hear any of it. Well,

you know, man, like that's a water scarcity issue thing. Not everybody can live by the river. That's fair. That's fair. I want to say this dude this dude playing Hasashi is the Japanese actor Horiuki Sonata, who you may have seen in the Japanese Ringo movies

and Danny Boyle's sunshine. He was unlost for a fashion. He gets around. This dude is 61 years old. No, is that even right? 61 years old. Can you imagine looking this good at 61? I don't look this good now. No, you're going to be dust at 61,

dude. No, no, no, no. No, no. I don't believe it. No, no, no. This guy definitely went to see Isabella Rosalini and death becomes her. He did some devil thing. That's too much. I can't believe that. Dead Flanders shit, 61 years old?

60s. Totally. The senior citizen is a hunk. Damn sexy. Horiuki Sonata. Yeah. So like, yeah, the, you know, wouldn't you know it? He goes to get water and sub-zero or Bihon shows up here. He's not sub-zero just yet. He's just regular old B-Han.

Regular old B-Han. He's regular old B-Han, but he's still got these ice powers. I feel like once you get the ice powers, that's game, man. Now you're just sub-zero. Yeah. Hi. You know what I mean? My name is Frosty.

That's kind of lame, buddy. You might want to think that through. Just go yourself Bihon for now. Think it through, get a better one, and call yourself Bihon for now. I feel like so he's got his powers, right? Like you said, now, is he just an outworld guy? Is he just live an outworld? Or maybe we should have a tour, do a tournament there in like feudal Japan or something, you know?

I guess he was also a mortal, he would have also been a mortal combat participant. so what happens if you do you get double powers if you kill another one of those guys like you know what I mean like it's a good question oh yeah I don't know one of those guitars it's like double guitars you know that big guitar guitar he uh we we're we're hiding the baby in a basket under the floorboards because mom realized a little cold in the apartment you know what I mean totally did you guys anybody peer through the cast list on IMDB let me tell you something the actress that plays this baby has an IMDB picture and it's it's fucking hilarious because it's just a cute little baby picture and then you look at the bio

and it's just like known for mortal combat and it's just a little baby like did this baby have to sign for multiple sequels like the rest of the cast do you think they should do that boyhood but mortal combat you know J.B. Palm as signature, just put a little ink on the baby palm

and put it up there. Every 10 years, there's a tournament. We check in with the kid again. Absolutely. So, yeah, they lay waste to his family and he doesn't hear it. And then we get a, well, no, Raiden shows up, and he's got those glowing eyes and he saves the baby. Who's that nice? Thanks a lot. Fucking Raiden. Thank you very much. You couldn't show maybe fucking five minutes earlier, 10 minutes earlier. fucking magical fucking thunder being

you couldn't get here a little earlier to save my fucking family like a lot of congestion in the clouds you know a lot of traffic and stuff yeah Bihon makes short worth

of work of Hesashi even without most like he's like you know what you I'm not even gonna use my spouse I'm just gonna kick your fucking ass like you know what I mean like he kind of says that

and he beats the shit out of this dude he really does and I think it's a thing like you don't know what the backstory is here but this it screams like you know this guy Hasashi was like he gave it all up you know

I was like I used to be an assassin I'm done with that now I'm just trying to raise this family all of this by the way if we learned it infinitely more interesting movie like you know I would have just taken feudal Japan you know

this Japanese faction warring with this Chinese faction period piece and we're kind of doing mortal combat stuff that would be kind of cool I would be into it and by the way I almost forgot and I don't I want to say it now, so I don't forget it again. Scorpion, when he rushes home, he picks up

a gardening tool, and then he puts a rope on it. And that's where the get over here thing comes from. It's a gardening, like, all of that shit. I mean, we've, we've covered, you know, we've seen this happen in so many, I mean, fucking solo also is guilty of this. The whole, like, here's how the guy you're familiar with got the thing. Boy, that's tired. he just had it

folks you know he would have had it wait how did how did he get his icy power huh why don't we see that oh no that's true

kind of what that spin off game was does anybody remember that oh god spinoff panic in the windy city or whatever that game was

sub zero subzero's haunted mansion uh huh it was it was a side scroller I want to say for Super Nintendo maybe

and it was just like You were sub-zero doing missions. It sucked. It totally sucked shit. The thing is the, one of the, Mortal Kombat, it was called Mortal Kombat mythology's sub-zero,

by the way. Oh, see, oh, and that's, ooh, that's so presumptuous, right?

That's also like X-Men origins, Wolverine. Like, we're going to do a bunch of these. We're just getting warmed up. I looked up, I looked up the bat lady that comes up later.

I didn't know where the hell she was from. She was apparently in some Mortal Kombat game that was also a, secret. Well, there's a lot of runoffs in this game and this well, but the two, the problem with you're right though, Andrew, because the two best actors in the movies in this movie are the guys

playing Sub Zero and Scorpion and they both disappear for large swats. I mean, Scorpion and more so and he's like, you know, a really cool actor. And I was like, oh, cool, this guy. Oh, he's dead. He goes to hell really quickly, by the way. Like, this guy really must have done a lot of shit. That's what I'm

saying, dude. Interesting back story. Barely waits. Dude, the devil was licking his fingers his way like come on die expire so I can pull you down here so now is hell its own realm there's outworld there's a realm there's earth realm must be hell

can we hang out in hell he comes up so easily at the end I mean right yeah it's it must be pretty easy he says that he like conquered the fire of hell that's an accomplishment I think he fucking de-thrown the devil that's amazing a good better movie Scorpion v. the devil

like Sub-Zer is doing all of his shit and then you keep cutting back to like Scorpion just assassinating demons in hell. It's crazy that there are two Bill and Ted movies that spend more time in hell than this Mortal Kombat movie and that's just crazy. Fair point. I want to see Scorpion working for the devil

like, you know, maybe working his way up to be big enough to usurp him, you know, and he's like being passive aggressive in the office. Ur-a-Ninja. What are you in for? It's me, John F. Kennedy. I met this ninja today called him Scott got a new buddy another drinking buddy in hell your Lord Master Satan I'm just going to say it now I think you're uh that ninja's

coming for your slot here my brother Ted will love this lake of fire yeah meet literally all the rest of my family who are here as well any one of us or uh we could be ninjas devil come along john john bobby tate we could be ninja just for one day but no instead and i mean here's the thing and this is you know i don't know i i didn't rate this on letterbox it'll it'll be between two and two and a half so it's not a movie that i loved and like sky high i gave it too and yeah i think i think i re-evaluated that too i'm just joking but it's like it's the coal business and like he this guy just make him striker if he's striker and he happens to be scorpions whatever nephew great grand whatever because then at least i have as

as a guy wearing this incredibly stupid t-shirt i have a purchase on this character as opposed like it's cole young hi cole yeah it's really um Boxer, freelance boxer or MMA guy. Glashed up freelance MMA fighter. Yikes. I'll do you one better. World class loser. Look, that's the thing. If we had had

Stryker, we might have lost out on this guy. Andrew Dice Clay who runs the gym where the MMA fights are going. This guy comes in is like, oh, look at this. If it isn't the biggest piece of shit in the world, are you prepared to

Get your ass beaten forever again, young man. I got to mop up your blood later tonight. Oh my God. What a piece of garbage you are. And it's great. He's doing him a favor. It's like, well, you wouldn't find anybody else at an hour's notice. Clearly, like, they're like, Cole, buddy, boobola, I need you help.

I need somebody to fight. And he shows up, look at this fucking loser. I just love the idea, too, that this guy is really sweating the fact that he, that he might have to cancel like his incredibly poorly attended possibly underground fighting match like there can't be that much on the line also he couldn't have been striker right because he's a cop right wasn't he's the biggest problem right there strike a striker not only was he a cop i believe he was a member of the lapd i think he was in he was on the ground during the right yeah yeah strike striker striker to this day was involved in jan 6 yes he's he's

on the Rodney King tape as well I guarantee you a lot of the chance six guys their Reddit names were definitely Stryker and a string of numbers Exactly striker MK fan X 69 Mark Furman rules 69 You're

You're totally right though Steve yeah Mark Furman in his fucking Nazi plates You're totally right though Steve Because if I'm remembering the Paul WS Anderson Classic correctly like Johnny Cage they kind of split it between like Johnny Cage Luke Kang and Sonia

yeah and those are characters that like I kept expecting Colt not to be striker necessarily but to and then when he gets his Archony you're like oh he's actually this character what I'm not smoke exactly he turns into smoke he turns into give me fucking ermac is it like they're like oh didn't they

used to call you Urmac in high school or something like you know what I mean dumb as possible shit at least I have something to get from him Because he had like, he had like a Macintosh laptop and he dropped in the hallway and said, er, and everyone was like, it's herbeck. Hey, Cole, didn't you say you always liked the rain? Why, yes, I did. There you go. Can I tell you in the background here, I'm just running some like three and a half hour playthrough of one of these games. Okay. And they, they added the cut scenes also. I think it might be the Mortal Kombat 10, Mortal Kombat X, as they called it. Oh, so it's Steve's T-shirt. on your TV. Yes, I think that's right. But there was a cutscene I was watching where a dude walks up and this

guy, it's Johnny Cage and he's laying on the ground and he goes, oh my God, smoke, what are you doing here? And this guy, I'm telling you, he looks exactly like smoke, he goes, I'm not smoke, I'm blah, blah, blah. And it wasn't Ermac and I was like, there's another one of those guys. Oh, there's nothing

with those guys. Well, because that's the thing is, I checked out of Mortal Kombat after Mortal Kombat 3 and I have not really I played one of those games in the middle for PlayStation that I liked quite a bit and then I played the DC version a little bit and that's kind of it so these other characters that show up

halfway through the movie I'm like who who and who cares wait so have you not seen any of the new characters from like the last iteration? No Steve oh there's great ones there's one vape he's fantastic and there's a podcast Q is a new one

he's a new boss baddie yeah well that's what's crazy think I got I got one of a it might have been X actually from you know on the PlayStation or something and way

more so than this movie which it does happens where I was like who the fuck is that guy who's that lady all that stuff the game I was like oh I've got nothing I mean there was like yeah there was like sub zero and scorpion because I think you're like legally obligated to put them in and like raid into but like

there were like 40 people I had no clue who they were and I was like this franchise and the lore and the legacy of it all has moved right on by. If people are still doing cosplay and Halloween costumes at, they have to be there. They have to be there no matter what. Introduced in World Combat Force, somebody named Jarek, someone named Kai. Jerich. Dude, I thought you're going to say Jared.

Raco, who's the hammer guy in this movie. Yeah, yeah, sure. And then somebody named Meat, M-E-A-T. oh yeah you got a picture on this guy I don't just go to Steve's DMs for that picture for those meat pigs lose you just a cow oh it's a skin

they depict each character as a bloodied corpse that's great you know what oh man you are running on fumes so speaking of a bloody corpse Cole just gets his ass kicked by this guy Ramirez really quickly and a lot of the all the lightning

and shit and also the fact that I was wishing Christopher Lambert was in this movie once they said there was a character this guy Ramirez I was like when is that Highlander 4K coming out why can't I be watching Highlander right now God damn it he gets asking Jackson is there

and Jacks is like hey man I like that thing on your arm that that tattoo and then his daughter is like it's not a tattoo it's a birthmark and Jacks just goes what do you mean and I'm like wait it's a it's a first that she just said do you know i mean jacks you're an accomplished military intelligence officer i think you should know

what a birth mark is in the business we called that bombing a hospital no no i under i understand but that's like very clearly like a detailed dragon circle that's not a birth mark no no no that's very clearly a tattoo this dude jacks is uh micad brooks who was jimmy alson on that supergirl show And fans of true blood may remember him as the sexy boyfriend eggs. I realized I had not seen this dude anything in a really long time because he looks so much older than when he was on true blood. And I like turned to stone when I realized who it was.

You know, it would be an awesome jacks if there was money behind this movie. Winston Duke. You get me Winston Duke is Jacks? Holy fuck. Better movie. Winston Duke is above this though. Oh, big time. We do get a brief.

seen an outworld about how the prophecy is upon us and sub-zero is like, well, scorpion's a ghost, so everything should go without a hitch. It's from 1500 something to now, assuming this movie takes place in 2021 or 2020, he goes, he shows

up to his boss and his boss is like, now go be hot. And he's like, no, no, I'm sub-zero now. And you got to be like, are you okay? Everything, all right? You're what? So do we have to call you this all the time now, Bihon? Like now it's just, hey, sub-zero, pass me the remote.

Did that, like, it was like the year. He decided to go by that. By the year he found out, like, what temperatures were. Because I feel like at the 1500s, you know, like, Sub-Zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I believe it's 1617, we're told at the start. But it still totally stands. We're not measuring sub-zero temperatures. Listen, B-Han, you're going to have to give me a week.

I've got 600 years of Bihon in the back of my throat here. I look at you. That's Bihon. I mean, sub-zero. I'm going to give you two weeks and then I'm going to start correcting you, okay?

Let's say publicly too. That's what's going to be happening to you. It's an adjustment period. I get it, but I'm going to be calling you out, man. I'm going to be calling you right out. Just be ready for it. This is where your spidey

sense might be tingling because fucking shing-sung starts talking about why do the combat when we could just take out our enemies beforehand and I'm like wait a minute I'm here for the combat

the little the fighting tournament that we were here to play I was here for that what are you talking about I mean it makes sense to do a tournament but at the same time I feel like narratively they'd think that's then this guy fights that guy

this guy fights that guy this maybe has a little more of a pot. Sure, no, I totally get it. Not that it's good. I mean, even in the Paul W.S. Anderson movie, though, like once they got to the Outworld Island resort, like, there was palace intrigue and things were going on, but it's a Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Whatever happened to Roy or whatever that other guy, Ron, the guy gets got art, of course.

Yeah. See, and that's, if this movie absolutely had to do an art, which is what this coal guy is, like, art, if you recall in that movie, is like, kind of. to just a side dude and he gets murdered after a fashion, right? It gets got very quickly, actually. Thank God for that. I mean, like, why don't they just do, like,

what Raiden ends up doing is, like, teleporting the pairs off to different plant. You could have just done that. And, like, there are plenty of martial arts movies that are just, like, 10-minute martial arts scenes battling back and forth, and then a little interstitial, and then another one. And they work great.

And also, spoiler, the best parts of this movie, thankfully are the fights. So that's working in your favor. When you're talking, not so much. When you're fighting each other, that's where I'm at. You know what I mean? I mean, I guess you're right. It would make more sense just to go and do a tournament versus like,

trust me, you've got to drive to Gary, Indiana, go to this double wide trailer. There's a lady there. No, she doesn't have the birth mark, but she knows about it. She's just a mortal combat enthusiast, I guess. She's like a QAnon person with this house and everything. not to get ahead of ourselves,

but like the Pepe Sylvia shit are in the background of the whole Mortal Kombat throughout time. But we do get there kind of quickly because after Cole gets his ass handed to him by Ramirez. They're like, oh, okay, his family, he's got a wife and a little daughter,

and they're like, all right, we're going to go to this disgusting burger joint that's in this weird, like, warehouse district, where the illegal fighting was going on. This whole, like, wherever the, they're supposed to be here is really scuzzy looking. I think it's the same

hot dog stand that Ernie Hudson went to in the crow. It seems like the same doomed kind of place where, you know, tragedy is about to befall them. They're about to get hit by quite a sleet storm. It's a pretty bad one, I would say. It's the United States. It's true. But this, yeah, so

they're like having a nice little dinner and it's like, you know, oh, dad almost got him this time, but he's got like you know, four less teeth now. So they're having like a nice $200 richer, Andrew. That's true. Two big ones. $200 for

your fucking kidney getting popped or something. So they're having a nice dinner outside and it's like, oh, this ice is falling down. What's going on? And you see Sub Zero like walking down the street and he like throws all this ice at this burger stand and dude,

let me tell you guys, when that one guy gets taken out by a huge piece of I was laughing my tits off. Because that guy's got no dragon mark. He just wants a fucking cheeseburger. You never know who could step up and fight for the Earth realm. You might as well take them all out. But I think it was cold that had some line that was like,

wow, it's snowing. I'm just waiting for some alcoholic to run into the street, but like, where's the Corps light train? Where's it? Come, right? Where is it? Come right? God. I missed a silver bullet

again. Oh, God damn. Did I get a free beer? Did anybody get it's happening? Today's the day. You're going to tap the Rockies, right? Or is that Coors? You're going to tap the Rockies. Yeah. Coors like. When I was a kid, I was convinced those mountains had beer under them somewhere. You know what a fucking majestic planet we'd live on.

Yeah, like Lakes of Beer. Lake Subirier, dude. How about that? So, Jacks picks them, saves them. And this is one of my this movie, one of the problems with the movie, it's got potty mouth in a big bad way. And like, I like to curse, you like to curse. But the prominent F-bombs, because like, you know, Coles, like, he's like, Jack's like, here, take your, drive your family to stay

a safe house, and then you go to Gary and Indiana meets on your blade. I'll take care of. zero and he's like no we can take them together jacks why do you want to leave us alone he's like do you want to meet your family on a fucking slab somewhere and it's like could you just say like your family protect your family we're dropping the f-bombs at me i don't even know you dude the morgue slab threat i love that dude you can tell the wife the wife is even just like look i know you just saved our lives but i got a kid here man what are you doing jack's that is your real name?

Well, I mean, like, to be fair, he does get a little bit of a comeuppance here. Oh, he certainly does. He fights Sub-Zero in like what looks like an abandoned gym or something. I think it's like a construction site or something. You know what it looks like is the

abandoned place there that Michael Keaton gets killed by that fucking ghost tornado in white noise? Okay, I buy that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Jacks has a great line here, right? When you want to threaten a thousands of years old

demon, you say, I'd done six tours, motherfucker. Yeah. And the sub-zero goes, oh, tours is what? Disneyland. These are my medals from Army, so look out. Watch an Army. You know that was to get people

fucking, you know that was to get people cheering in the theater. Oh, absolutely. Oh, absolutely. Thank you for your service, Jack. I got to salute that man with arms. But instead of like

ripping his like patch off some of you just freezes and rips his arms off which does kind of rule

and I thought he was dead because he he kind of slaps him down and like his head hits something

on the way down. It is a face plant onto like the ledge of a broken piece of concrete and then he falls even further

like it's amazing that he was alive for these monks to fucking fix him up later in the movie. Off screen, Luke Hang finds him, it brings it back to the temple. If I find Jacks, I'm like, yeah, let me go get, let me find somebody else to kill him.

They get the mark. Yeah, one with all, you know, walking around. I think you're totally right. Go back and get Ramirez. Go get that dude and be like, hey, man, pretty cool. You just won that $200. Would you like to be in a real ultimate fighting tournament? Exactly.

What's really great is that medical cave later in the movie they take him to. and there are glowing rocks that serve as lights for like the operating procedure. And they give them these weird baby robot hands which are hysterical. I'm sorry.

He's got little Terminator's. He's got little Terminator hands. He's got little skeleton hands. And it seems very uncomfortable. It's like a thin piece of silly putty connecting another bigger piece. It's like literally you squeezed it with your fingers like that.

But I got to say for, you know, a couple of monks in a cave man, that's not too shabby of a job. And also, keep in mind they've been searching every realm for possible cures for this. And that's every realm. That's not just Earth realm, outworld realm, hell realm,

heaven. Nevada realm. Eric, if you see these arms, they went to two realms tops. They did not go to all those realms. This is like to choose. We've been trying to solve armlessness for eons. listen yeah we went to all no we went to all the realms

all the realm all right jacks we found the cure for one arm getting ripped off but we're still working on the cure for two arms getting ripped off we went to a scrapyard in new jersey jacks that's about as far as we were going to go it's the realm dude uh so yeah we meet sonya blade played by jessica nemey or whatever this lady's name is Jessica Jessica McNamee another Australian actor she was in the meg Battle of the Sexes

and the movie that I refuse to believe is real that movie adaptation of the television show Chips Oh right You forget about that Michael Pena and Dax Shepherd I think

That'll keep me out of the theater That sure will It doesn't exist Yeah, that's a sure rule scares me more than COVID That's for sure Oh man, really? Yes

And she's got she tells Cole all about the fucking stuff and we meet Cano laugh at a minute Cano dude first of before we get to Cano can I just say really quickly an Easter egg that I noticed was on her

Pepe Silvio board where she's like we've been tracking all these like Mortal Kombat contestants yada yada there's definitely an old ass newspaper clipping about a night wolf situation oh no Remember Nightwolf, the Native American fighter? Yeah, he's in this movie.

Absolutely. He's in this fucking stupid play-through that I got on back here. They look like they have an illustration like they found him in an encyclopedia Britannica. Yeah, under Mortal Kombat. Yes, but yes, Steve, I'm sorry. Laugh him in a Cano. And like, I don't mind the performance so much. and I by this Josh Losson guy

the problem for me is he looks too much and sounds too much like Reese Darby from Flight of the Concord so it's just sort of like Kaino in prison dude yeah I guess if if Murray was like juicing yeah exactly now I'm Kano

you know fight in tournament I gotta say I think this guy and bless him I mean he's he's bringing the he's bringing the enthusiasm and whatnot this is an obnoxious character it's an obnoxious performance the profanity with this guy

out of control the movie references and the jokes here's the thing I don't mind if you want to make the movie like lighter on its feet and like have some humor and whatnot it has to come from more than one character yes and it's just this guy

if you do have just the one character tone even that back a lot like if you had like half the movie reference it's every line that snaps to happen with this guy he's quoting. Every time he opens with mouth. He quotes Forrest Gump at some point. He sure does. He says

it's a box of, you know, all the special powers, they're like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Oh, isn't that fucking great. But is it, he calls Raden Gandalf, then he goes to fucking Luke King. He's like, I don't need any more Harry Potter shit. And I'm like, you know what, dude, could you just relax?

Dude, that's a thing. Like, I did not expect Cano known cinephile. yeah it's just like snappy movie references one after the other maybe that's why he's so pissed off when movie pass went down that's what really pissed him off

oh crikey no more movie pass now I'm gonna join mortal combat well that's what drove him to become a mercenary arms dealer drug runner and murder for hire is the fall of movie pass yes that would do it to me that's what I did after movie pass

I was like I couldn't I couldn't help myself. I was seeing movies every day. It was a fine way to do it, but then I got myself a little boat, and I just made little passes around the canal. Chris Cabin is killed. We hit, none of us out, I don't know, I don't think any of us have killed, but I think Chris Cabin has killed.

He's taken a little. Look, I left them bleeding in the water. That's not killed. I, as you know, they were wounded when I left. You gave him a fighting chance, right? I did. I did indeed. Yeah, so, you know, she's got Cano

like chained to the floor or something in this double wide and you know he starts immediately like cursing a mile a minute and you know then it's like you know again we're like explaining to this fucking coal guy like all about Mortal Kombat

and then uh oh there's a visitor that comes to the double wide and we just have this fight scene where it's these three actors and a fucking cartoon because this version of reptile is the dumbest idea they could have gone with. We should quickly mention

Kano is that, you know, she found them, found him because he's got the mark because he killed some guy that had the mark and it transfers to Yeah, she was tracking some other guy. Sonia was tracking some other dude. Cano took a hit out on him

and assassinated him and yeah, I guess in this iteration of Mortal Kombat, if you do that, you then get their marking and you can then ascend to the tournaments yourself. It's a more democratized version of the Highlander lore.

You know, anybody can join up if they so wish. Although he kills, I think he takes Sonia's kill of reptile purposefully, even though he doesn't need it. He's just getting to level up with reptile, getting his heart taken out. I don't know if that

works with outworld people. I think it's only humans that are born with the supermark. I am not. I'm making a shit up. Here's a question for the room. Chris made a good point. Like, if Highlander, if anyone can join in, if you knew for a fact, if you cut the right person's head off, you would become immortal. Would you get out there with a sword and just seeing who's who, you know? It just depends.

I'd get in shape first. Yeah, that's a good point. Because I feel like, you know, the immortals in Highlander, it's kind of like a vampire thing, right? Yeah, like the way you look is the way you look. So I'll get fit first, you know. And then maybe I'll go wandering the streets with a sword. Cutting up random people's hands. And here's the problem.

It's the wrong time to get in the immortal game necessarily. Like, you know, if it's like 1700s, sure, now I'm going to get on and I'm going to see the ascendive civilizede. I don't want to be, I'm going to live forever and watch every. And like, it's just going to get hot and like the internet's going to crash and God knows what else is going to happen. Fighting for water. By the way, I just want to point out on the screen behind me, we have a match going on. with Sonia v. Cano right now. Oh, wow.

Yeah. How about that? I wouldn't, but I wouldn't want to be a Highlander, though, because then you're always wondering if somebody's going to try to behead you. That's just the rest of your life is you're just wondering every day

somebody's going to take my head off. And it could be anybody. You get a really thick turtleneck. Yeah, like a steel, you'd have to, like a big steel bolt thing right around the neck. Right. At all times.

I mean, that's why you got to lay low, you know, like, Duncan McLeod is secretly dealing antiques on the side, you know, that sets your life. So you're not walking around like, I'm a Highlander. Yeah, tell it everybody. And it's that, by the way, that is a more interesting profession and dipping, like,

our toes into that world in Highlander versus everyone in this being like, ah, he's a fighter. And that guy, he was a fighter. And that guy was in the army, he was fighting for the army. A survivor, a survivor who was also a fighter. He's a survivor on his mother's side. a fighter on his father's side bread for combat he rips

we do rip out this dumb reptile who looks like the crocodile from fucking Peter Pan guys it just doesn't look at by the way wasn't reptile sometimes a ninja guy yeah look it's right here I can't make out what the hell that's supposed to be

and that's like what we wanted was fucking karate guy like we wanted people doing martial arts like that's what we wanted and like not the fucking amazing Spider-Man lizard which is essentially what it looks like to me. I'll tell you though

I'll stop some tweets and you know maybe people are losing it in the chat there was like a game or two where that was the way that they designed reptile but predominantly he's looks like scorpion and fucking smoke and noob cybot and all those motherfuckers just a green ninja guy with a green face mask

and a green outfit. Yeah and he spits at you which is cool. That's why I always loved him because I was like, I could spit. I'll spit on people. I'm a pretty good spitter. Michael Jordan wore 45 for a little while. Doesn't mean when I imagine Michael Jordan, he's wearing 45. He's got to be wearing 23 and he needs to be a ninja motherfucker guy, takes down the mask and he's got a reptile face.

That's it. It's all I need. Absolutely. And I don't want to hear like, I don't want to hear like we were trying to mix it up because we didn't want everything to look the same. Guess what? It's Mortal Kombat. Everything looks the same. most things look the same exactly yeah I mean don't reinvent the fucking wheel with this shit I do need shang sung to have like a renfield

that when somebody gets the like complete shit knocked out of him he says ah toasty yes yes it's just like one little nod to it just a little nod so speaking of toasty this is a thing that I have complete and utter disdain for with this movie oh yeah here it comes Cano rips this fucker's heart out and he just goes, Kaino wins.

All of the fucking video game shit that we're throwing in this movie absolutely abhorrent. Absolutely abhorrent. Takes you right out of it. Test your might. I think Cano's Con Laos is flawless victory

and I'm like, dude, I really know that I'm watching Mortal Kombat. Shanks soon also throws in a fucking fight, I believe or finish him. when when fucking flawless victory

flawless victory from Kunlau when Luke Kang kills is it Kabbal yeah Luke can't kill somebody and he's like this fatality is for Kunlau and I was like shut the back out

see that's the thing is if you have a tournament you can have an announcer saying those things right and it can be Greg Proops and other guy and he's still the exact same alien he was in episode one yeah same character just bring him over here

why not it could look like an outworld guy absolutely was there ever like a Star Wars tournament fighting game I know there was a Ninja Turtles there was the master's of Terra Psi or whatever it was pronounced it's actually referenced in solo which is cool it's in the first place it was for the first PlayStation not a bad game as I remember

it. Sheng Sun, by the way, hanging out with Bill Belichick too much because he says we didn't win nine tournaments by playing by the rules.

Oh, dude. Yeah, fatality gate, man. By the way, I understand that we're trying to make Sonia honorable, all the good people

who are under Raiden's control are supposed to be the good people. But wouldn't you, Kano is around, talking has this accent is making all these fucking references to movies that you've seen everybody's seen a dozen times what did you be like you know sonia i could slip something into his drink tonight and you could do you could do that you could take the drink to him well and it

would become your tattoo but how much that be better how much does the mystical forces know because if they know i like say i do the oh the concoction and then let her do would it just go to me then. Well, no. So, okay, you I guess you do the mixing and you bring it to him, but somebody else can have the idea at least. That's sure. Well, she actually almost kills him at one point because he's like, let's dance

Dallin and they fight and she puts his knife to a throat. He's like, take it. Tike it. Tricat! PRISENT. Take it! And she doesn't, because she's again, an honorable character. She, I mean, like, the way, like, Kana was like, oh, I'll know where the secret temple

is, by the way, this is my Kano graphic novel. And I'm like, too much for Kano. You know what I mean? Like in the script meeting, like, okay, Kano likes movies. He's got a lot of fun, nerdy stuff. That's cool. He's not drawing a graphic novel.

No, no. But the other thing is, this is a pep people of mine. Like, if you, he shows, like, he shows the image and you have to, like, you have to pause it and squint to see what is actually happening on the page. And I'm Like, as a director or as anybody who has anything to do with how this movie looks,

how do you not be like, that looks like a bunch of squiggly lines? And it is something. If you look, if you look close, it's something. It is actually like him impaling the reptile. But like if you just look at it, it looks like a bunch of squiggly lines. Well, that's just all art. Everything that you have this guy say that you think is like a funny line is not funny. But a way to interject some actual comedy is he's like, yeah, I got me a cane.

graphic novel and he shows it to Sonia and it's garbage. It's like little baby drawing garbage. And that would be kind of fun. Yeah, exactly. Look like a fucking Don Hirschfeld movie. It's pretty convenient that

Cano just happens to know where Lord Raiden's temple is because he used to run guns through there and the locals wouldn't shut up about it. So I guess it's been so long since a tournament and Raiden's busy in the sky or whatever that he never goes there

so you can just stash guns there? I guess the the local people can't stop talking about it. Like what are we selling outworld t-shirts at the doorway? Well, no, it's the, you got all these conference championship t-shirts because again,

they've never won the division. You see, never won the tournament. That's, you know, Outworld maybe that's what, Outworld almost pseudo champion 2002. The Earth Realm Winner shirts go to some other realm. Maybe that's what we do with the

because you got to print the shirts because, you know, if your team wins, you got to have the shirts on the street the next day. So the Flub shirts, I think we're dumping them into that Outworld portal. Just get them out of here. It's like an ironic gift in Outworld. Like look at this fucking Earth Realm winning. Come on. It's hilarious.

Happy Outworld must. Changsung or Prince Goro Gumpson make a speech and all of his subjects are wearing those t-shirts like all of them and just a sea of them like the Pope speaking. It would be awesome dude. They're wearing t-shirts like this. Oh yeah. God damn it.

So they're flying to wherever the fuck this is. It's not really specified right. It's just somewhere. It's kind of like we mentioned Gary Indiana by name. That's where the double wide was with Sonia. Everything else is who the hell knows? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is like South Australia, like desert stuff here.

They, yeah, this is where Steve, you already mentioned it. They have the Cano-Sonia fight right here. This woman, decent fighting ability. When she's fighting, I realize she looks like Elizabeth Berkeley stunt double. If Elizabeth Berkeley ever needed a stunt double? Yeah, by that. But this is where we meet. We meet Luke Kang right here.

He walks toward them, like, from the horizon in front of a sunset, which is kind of funny because this guy went on to be a supporting role in the new CW Kung Fu show that came out like maybe last year or two years ago. I think it was maybe 2021.

I did not know they made a new version of that. Yeah, I don't think he's the protagonist. I think you follow a woman on some kind of journey but it's funny because that was like the, it reminded me of the opening of the old Kung Fu, the Legend Continues show. He also is in previous episode. That was one of the best theme songs.

Oh, yes. previous episode, Power Rangers. He was the Black Ranger. That's right. The actor is Lutie Lynn. He was also an Aquaman for a hot second. Oh, wow. Forgot all of that. And, you know, he has some fun.

And that's the thing. It's because Cano's like, wow, wow, look at your firepowers. How do I get me some of those? Give it him, what's me super power going to be? And then this is where Luke Kang needs to say, okay, the first thing about Mortal Kombat training is you're stop saying superpowers. Yes. Like, we don't,

we don't talk about our abilities in that way, okay? Like, because this dude, he's like, oh, what am I going to get? More going to be Batman? My going to be Superman. Oh, eh, oh, eh, oh, fuck. Performance. I hate it so much. I also said, oh, put a shit

on magic, Mike. Hey, is this working for anybody? These movie references, I was making a list. Hey, a cool it Oscar Schindler. Oh, I got to say. Cano fucking better not start a podcast because then we're out of business.

Look at me. Look, I'm making a graphic novel. It's Australian Splendor. Yeah, anybody remember that movie? Yeah. It's based on me life. Me being a loser.

I hope Davis. Should we go to the Waterburger? Boy, David Letterman's making fun of me. I got a public feud with David Letterman. oh great now i've got cancer and my wife's got to take care of me this is fantastic if you die of cancer where does that mark go is the question um well that's a great question maybe just you know cancer should be able to fight that's one of the greatest killers in earth realm it's probably like i think it you know one human being has to take another oh maybe

that's actually chris i like yours maybe the devil just gets it what's this oh another mortal combat symbol. Those guys are dropping like flies. I don't know what to do with all these. I got I was just who wants one. Dahmer you want one. Hitler, you want one. Here you go, boys. Oh, Scorpion, you already got one. You're good Scorpion. You know you got one.

Or the doctor or the guy at the morgue maybe we'll get it. Yes, absolutely. If you then do the autopsy dude, right? Yeah. Well, okay. It's just some slubby like doctor being murdered in another universe or whatever.

That'd be cool. If we had that doctor in this movie, you know who he could be played by, that dude who played egg lawyer. Yes. What are you saying, Cameron? I was going to say, if that was going to happen,

like it would be funny if that happened. And he also, like Cano, he finds his arcana through racism. Because Cano is at the dinner table, and he's like, he's like giving it to Kung Lao. He keeps on asking him for

an egg roll and like he just gets so pissed off at him not giving him the egg roll that a fucking laser beam shoots out of his eye and bounces around the room. It's every racist thing. Right. You're dressing someone down with your racism and that makes you even stronger

because he calls him a woo shoe wanka. I do you woo shoe wanka. And Steve, your fucking Gandalf line there man, the tail end of that is a bit of racism. He goes, uh, and what about me? Gandalf? What does my fortune cookie say?

He also pulls a doctor Evazan in Ponda Baba here by going, I'm wanted in over 30 countries. I've got the death sentence on 12 systems. Also, wanted for what 30 countries?

Yeah, I think it's... Running guns here. The other one was a little bit of a scrape I got. Public school, you see. I'll sell a graphic novel. I'll be honest. Yeah, okay, I saw a couple of tattoos that weren't actually the tattoo that makes you powerful. I killed a couple people, okay? I killed a lot of people who I thought had the tattoo and they just ended up having like little earth symbols or peace signs or something like that.

All right. I trafficked guns and I traffic humans. Four of those countries, look, I downloaded all those pictures on a big zip file. I didn't know when he's in him. I'm innocent. I'm innocent in France I'm innocent in Spain Belarus

and if everything goes right it'll be down to 28 countries because some of those are tax evasion and I settled that score I did you know it's bad if the check is in the mail you know it's bad if France is against him they're usually pretty cool with that stuff

what was it? What was it? Robert Towns and said I'm writing a book about it. I'm writing a book about it. all that. I'm writing all of a book. Oh, it's graphic all right. Pete Townsend. He's not.

He's not Robert Townsend. So where can I, where can I, where can I, where can I pick up that book? I never came out. It's stunningly, I don't think it ever came out. There is a fucking laugh out line, laugh out loud line. My God, when they get in there and everything and it's like right around the dinner scene. So it's all fine. it's like

Luke Kang's like showing him around or whatever and there's Sonia I think it's Sonia is looking at like they have all these murals on the wall or whatever and she just goes these murals are the living history of mortal combat oh man oh god

this is when she meets up with Jacks and she sees the weird baby arms on him and they're like yeah we're doing our best here and if I'm Sonya I'm like I'm gonna fucking cuckus nest this dude get a pillow and now I got myself now I'm Earth's champion dude that's how that's got to have to go

that's exactly right because he's got all these weepy lines like they're saying no wait now I'm doing Cano for Jacks that's wrong yeah this ain't me I'm useless why you would bring me here I can't help oh god cry me a fucking river

get off your ass major see now that is classic army talk that's right motivation right don't worry you're going to have iron man arms eventually don't you worry this movie has one of the like nobody says it but somebody should definitely say it a who left the door open because like they're having this dinner scene

cano gets his fucking dumb power through racism and then they're like like lukeang and kunlow are like see kano we knew you had it in you all the time and it's going to come for all of you soon so don't even worry about it and then like shank soon as goons like just walk in and i was like who left the door open. How do they just walk into the dining hall? Well, this is when Raiden is like, oh shit, sorry, sorry. Infinity spell. You can't come through. You can't come through. And if I touch you, you're dead.

Radin also briefly tells Cole there that Cole, your marking comes from your lineage. I'm trying to do Lambair. I'm not great. Descendant of one of the best ninjas ever. That's all the information I'm going to give you right now. More will come later, but I want to A good ninja. That's all you need to know, Cole. But I love how much rated Nags, Cole, this entire way, like, man, you're fucking terrible

dude. You got your ace kick the game. Cole, I hate being embarrassed publicly. Here, I'm opening the portal. Just go back to your stupid family loser. It's so surprising that you're descended from a good ninja. Can I look at your? I just want to make sure. sure that's not a temporary tattoo. That's happened a few times. People come in with these temporary tattoos and they're not

actually the marks. Sometimes it's marker. It's a real problem here at Raiden's temple. Yes, your great-grandfather, known as the samurai, Urmac. Dude, how fucking hilarious of a twist would that be?

Because the whole movie, you're like, yeah, of course he's related to Scorpion, but then it's like, ermac. well that's the thing with radan coming down at that moment man is because you know if he had come up early and he had stopped it he could have there would have been two bloodline there would been two children of the scorpion bloodline yes but no no no no no it was like no no no it has to be the girl no the other one's got it's fine i'll just be a little late don't worry i'll just be a little late and that's yeah that his name dies too you know the the the hashi name or whatever the hell it is i do love yeah so like uh cole is such a loser he's getting his ass by Kung Lao and everybody's like, oh, if we beat you up, it'll come out. It doesn't. And then Raiden is just sort of like, yeah, it's not really working out. So this is, I got to cut you, dude. It's not, you're not really going to make the team. What did you go home? What? Could you, did you try racism? It worked for Cana. Okay. Do you want to be racist to anybody? How about this? When they are done

fighting. You give them a towel and you start the showers. You can be the outworld equipment manager, okay? You're a very important part of the team. Cole Boucher. He sucks

so bad. They send him back to wherever the hell the safe house is. This is when Shagang'sung, this one Kabal and this vampire lady and Nitar. Nitaara. Oh, really? We should see Malina is also around.

Okay. Malina, the design work. She looks like she was just trying to beat Jerry O'Connell at a pie eating contest. This fucking thing, this big like smear like a cross face. I'm like, just make the teeth. I don't need to, she doesn't have to have blood smear. Or she wears the mask. Like they did the fucking game and I'm sorry it looked cool in the game.

It would look fine in real life. All right. wasn't looked it up she have a what i don't know i was just looking at looking up a night trade or whatever this lady's name is uh natara mortal combat deadly alliance was her first appearance i have no idea what that is that's literally the first time i've ever heard that in my life then she was in mortal combat tournament edition mortal combat deception as a cameo mortal combat unchained as a cameo mortal combat armageddon she was in is not a cameo and then she's got a cameo in the Mortal Kombat 11, which is the newer

one. What do you have cameos in video games? Why is this a character we bring to the big screen? UGO, whatever the hell that is, I'm looking at Wikipedia, ranked Nitar 46th on their 2012 list of the top 50 characters. So that's pretty low. Who's the worst one, does it say? No, it doesn't. Well, I just look at the Nittara

entry. I feel like, get rid of her, put it in Sindell. Remember Sindell? Yes, I do remember Sindel. she was like evil storm right yeah yeah that was cool she like flew around did lightning and wind shit or whatever yeah but yeah but games i played believe it was like shit and this is when cabal is like and this is i mean again the potty mouth where it's like cabal's like hey shang son yeah i'm a i'm a robot guy but i'll talk like this i know some real low grade piece of shit on that planet named cano trust me motherfucker this guy's he's a fucking worst of the bunch you go there you give him some gababool

he'll open up that that gate for you no problem no problem low life piece of shit scumbag is a line I never thought I would hear in a moral combat movie he's the reason I live in an iron lung okay

I also I also want more of the scene when Cole has to go back to his wife and she's like oh said you you won Mortal Kombat amazing. And he's like, no, no, they asked me to leave. Yeah. Oh, you lost. Well, you at least got $200, right? Right. So the thing you were destined for, you washed out at that too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did. What did. What I did do, honey, is I got leftovers from the meal we had before I left.

I actually asked them if it was okay if I brought them back and they were okay with it. It's cool, honey. Lord Radin let me take the egg rolls

home. Just get the egg rolls get the fuck out of you. You're terrible at combat. And by the way, I apologize for using profanity.

Can we all stop with that? The potty mouth in Lord Raven's temple is out of control. This is a place of worship, okay? I don't want to hear

F-bombs and whatever the heck else See, I just censored myself I said the heck And Cano, by the way Those homophobic slurs Aren't helping anyone Yeah, he does a lot of that shit man

He's talking about anal beads He's talking about a Kung Lao He wants to suck him off at some point Yes, it's suck my sack Take turn sucking my sack And then that's when he said he's wanted in 30 countries. Do you know why he's saying that, though, Chris?

Because it's fucking hilarious. I suppose. I got to ask Eric, actually, because Eric, you're the only one that saw this in the theater. Were people rolling over with belly laughs and all the cano's one-liners? It was the first week of May 2021. So the people in the theater were me and my wife. And no one else. And everybody is, everybody is very surprised.

when this man is the one who busts the fucking what force field that's keeping Shangsun and all the Shangsung and all of his minions out. Yeah, of course he's correct. At this point, like when his force field goes down. I've got to go. I left my air friar on. Oh, no. There's so many realms I should be taking care of.

I have been to like six out of a hundred of the realms I'm supposed to. to be involved with this month. This is just one realm. You guys don't know that, but I'm a busy guy. I'm one of the elder gods. Oh, no, Raiden. You let it happen again. You were taking a shit and all of a sudden

someone broke into your temple. Okay, tell them, yes. Okay, you were away helping another realm. Definitely don't tell them. You were taking a shit. They'll never discover that most of the other realms are now owned by

outworld so they'll never be the wiser. A lot of those realms just rocks. Like, it's a realm, but it's all just rocks. So like, not much to do in that realm. I send my garbage there.

Hold on. I'm opening a portal because I just have to clean the kitty box. Is everybody finished? Dude, Eric, that would be my arcana. If I could choose it, I can just go. Oh, yeah.

I would love that. Just throw a whole fucking sack of kitty litter and shit into someone else's backyard. But so while they're dealing with all of that, yeah, back at the barn, fucking Goro shows up, dude. And let me tell you, this CGI thing, he looks like if the Hulk joined Kiss. I mean, this is terrible. It's absolutely, like, just. get a guy, put him on stilts, give him some fucking dummy arms,

and let's just do it too. How does it look worse in 1995? The puppet looks fantastic. I rewatched the 95 version. The puppet looks so good as compared to this glob of shit. It looks like, and this thing is awful. And they really, like, the problem is

is they really accentuate the ponytail. Like, you really get a good look at it. Whereas the puppet, it was kind of in the back. You didn't have to see it. when flaunting it. This thing wants to rock and roll all night and party every day. And it's going to mismatch this guy. His wife is just like, hey, Cole, I know you failed at being in mortal combat,

but apparently that's not enough because that's a forearm fucking guadster in our yard. By the way, I have worked tomorrow. I know you don't go. I do. And I don't need this shit. Somebody needs to put on the fucking table. The biggest Guar, roadie, I've ever seen is here. oh shit is that big johnson is that you big johnson guar's biggest roadie

uh yeah i got all their amps i uh carry him four in at time here we go it's the best like that would be the best profession for a man a strong men with four arms oh definitely it's absolutely or you know what he would excel at porno be great well yeah probably well i don't know i don't see that thing fuck a lot of questions first. No, I was going to finger in a lot of pies. Anyway, go ahead.

Baggage handler at the airport, man. Oh, yes. That's true. That works. Maybe I won't have to wait so long at baggage claim. Ordo is this Goro guy with a van

moving company now, you know what I mean? Yeah, instead of two guys with a van, it's a Goro with a van. That's all you're paying one guy. It's a great savings. He's got your couch up here and your fridge down here.

And he's just one trip at it. That's a Goro. with a van. I thought it said Goy with a van. Now who's going to help me move on Saturday? Stupid jokes. This fight with Cole

and Goro, man, dumb and his superpower is he gets a super jacket is I guess the idea is a super jacket. His superpower though, dude, is basically the Homer Simpson boxing ability. He just gets hit

a bunch of times until Goro's tired. and like the jacket powers up because of the beating. Okay, you're so bad at fighting. Your power is being hit so many times that it tires him out. You get the shit beat out of you and then you can punch him once very hard. It works very well. Listen, Cole, I would give you stone hands, but it wouldn't help because you can't hit anybody because you're fucking terrible, dude.

I could give you missiles. I could give you knife hands, knife fingers. Wasted. You get the gold jacket. That's all you're going to get. Also, Cole, if this is any kind of motivator to get you angry, your wife told me you suck shit at fucking her. It looks like you couldn't find.

Not only couldn't you find the little man in the boat to take you to mortal combat, You couldn't find the little man in the boat in your wife. She called you a solid C minus, bro. A solid C minus. I've been talking to your wife. That's right. Your wife is on one of my realms.

I go talk to her sometimes. She said, you're a really surprisingly disappointing lay. Sorry, her words, not mine. The female orgasm, you, realm, you wouldn't know it's. Oh, To activate the portal, Chris, you have to activate the G-spot. I mean,

if Radin, like, has been doing this for so many years, you do have to imagine at this point, just like the minute you see a problem with someone finding their arcana, you're like, okay,

do you have like a kid or a wife? Okay, knife to throat. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

I'm out of the gun here we really should be running Arcana drills and since you don't have yours I can't do that yet so I really need to get you in the mode hate to be the bad guy but come on in addition to his gold jacket he kind of does get like a little nightstick

so Stryker might make sense I wonder if there was a rewrite at all yeah because they are like striker ask what one is a baton and the other one's a sword yes and their gold it's like all right listen you'll give it with a jacket

and a bunch of weapons. This guy's terrible. Do we have a machine gun? Like something for this guy. I mean, I've never seen such a bad mortal combat guy. Do we have a baton? A baton for him. Maybe that'll work.

Hey, Cole, I had them rewrite the rules for mortal combat so you could participate with this fucking rocket launcher. Oh, I had my forms wrong. You're not descended from a great ninja. you're descended from art the son of art oh no I wish

he kills Goro in pretty unconvincing fashion the 95 version obviously the punch of the balls off a cliff you're not going to touch you're just not going to touch you know you know Goro attacking the wife and children or child rather and the family gets into a truck

and they decide to drive it at Goro. I'm like, that guy's a big guy. I might just pack it up. But yeah, then he uses his, I don't know, the kids like, use their uppercut. And he's like, shut up. And then he just uses his magic weapons

or whatever. Can I say also when the wife and the daughter hide in the truck and then Goro starts punching it, listen, if this is a fight, it's a movie based off a fighting game and you're punching a car, now you're just stealing from Street Fighter. Street

Fighter was the game you fucking punched cars in folks. Yeah, yeah. I need you to get E Honda in there and he has to do the thing. Yeah. Totally. It's time. We get a new a new street fighter movie, I think. Yes. Absolutely. It's post time, dude.

Yeah, I never saw Chunley one. Yes. Supposed to be terrible. We'll do that on the show. Maybe the Sunn time. The legend of Chunley, I think, is the name. Yes. Yeah. One of the worst actors in a cage, I think. Chris Klein, that's right.

I forgot that. Who's he playing Ken? I think he's. No, Johnny Cage is a mortal combat, my friend. You're mixing him up. Oh, he's a street fighter, yeah. Maybe God. Idiot.

I don't know. Gile, maybe. Is he Gile? No. Meanwhile, back at the tournament area, we're all fighting each other. Everybody's fighting a great kill on this vampire lady that has no lines whatsoever. She's like, I'm vampire lady. He's like, nobody gives us.

you're getting cut in half by Couglas hat and I'm clapping on my couch. Sorry folks. It works for me. It's pretty great and I have to say I think the first time I watched this movie that part I greened out on because I totally didn't remember it. But

it's immediately killed because he fucking says flawless victory. And I don't even think it was a flawless victory. Chris Klein plays a character called Charlie Nash in that movie so I don't think it's related. But you get a lot of, Neil McDon't McDunna is Bison

slash Vega in Japan. I think they renamed some stuff in foreign exports. But Michael Clark Duncan as Ballrog. Okay. All right. Yep. Yep. That's it.

Yeah. Just Michael Clark Duncan. That's all I needed. I'll check it out. 2009. That doesn't get me there. But, oh, yeah. Well, that's a qualifier. We're fighting. Kano beats, puts a laser and a rock hits on. Sonia. The good guys

are getting their ass kicked by the bad guys. Kung Lao gets his soul sucked by it is kind of amazing. But first he takes out Milan. What was there? Melania Trump. What's her name? The Tarra. Yes. Vampire Lady. Yes. With his hat on the ground

spinning like a saw and cuts her in half. This is probably the most violent part of the movie. I think you were looking up this street fighter information when we talked about that already. Oh, fuck. That's okay.

I don't have to say attention. No, you're fine. But it's true. It is the goriest and that is the promise this movie made as compared to the 95 version. You are going to see blood. And I will say most of it, it's pretty good. Yes. Of the things that I like about this, the goryness is pretty fantastic.

When we're actually doing it. Gero does get stabbed through the eye with Cole's word thing, which is it's kind of something. But again, it's just a cartoon. so it's less of a thing. That doesn't matter. Yeah. Not at all. But my favorite part is when Cabal is like, oh, shit, your buddy's going to get his

fucking soul sucked. I love this part. He has to run and go watch it. Dude, he's got, he's got to get his soul sucked. No, thank you. Absolutely not line of dialogue. Nope. Welcome back to soul suck.

Go on. I don't know anything else. I was trying to do like a soul cycle thing, but I don't know how those people talk. So there's that. All right, this, all right, this soul suck round. All right, we're going to get into it. We're going to get into it.

We've got some hills and valleys to get through this week. There you go. This soul suck session, we're doing nothing but the 90s alternative music. But you get to go in here. Start getting your soul sucked with some goo-goos. Let's get it on. Yeah, and start sucking at a 95 RPM. All right.

Eric and New York, get into it. Soul suck. All right. Chris and Canada, doing it. Get that cork up. You got to start sucking better than that. Oh, we're seeing Cassie F in Cleveland. Yeah, hey, Cassie, celebrating your 100th soul suck.

Good for you. Oh, my God. How is he even bad at sucking? All right. You're all looking like corpses. Great. Great. You're all looking like corpses now.

That's what we'd like to see. A lot of green corpses. That's what we'd like to see after a soul suck. Dude, Eric, you saying, how is he bad at sucking? Made me think a picture. Cole trying to sip soda through his straw and just somehow fucking it up entirely. That guy's

bad at all kinds of sucking. Yeah. He couldn't even suck the little man in the boat. So, Raiden, blah, blah, the bad guys run away for some reason.

Jack's, his heart grows two sizes and his arms fill out when he has to lift the rock over. That was his arcana is to make his arms better. His arcana is fixing robot shit, I guess. He spiritually

got bigger robot arms. Why would the arcana shit like affect the robot limb? I guess because they have so many robots in these this. Yeah, it's true. That's actually true. This outworld is rotten with robots. You're totally right. It's just fucking littered with

them. And he's like, oh wow, now I have cool robot arms. Meanwhile, Raiden is like, time out, time out. Everyone, let's go into the void. We're getting our asses kicked, ladies. Don't mind John Oliver filming his show behind us, okay? Yes, and I apologize in advance. This makes you want to watch The Matrix.

I'm sorry, it's not the Matrix. It's Mortal Kombat. I was waiting for Radin to do a full-on Al Pacino in any given Sunday, like halftime report, like, what do we got? What are we doing here? Come on. We've got another game to play.

But that's no, that's Cole, Chris. Cole rallies all the mortal combats. You know what? We work together, everybody. Me, the suckiest mortal combat of the mall, we can figure this shit out, you know? Dude, and it's so dumb. When they're trying to get together

and do this teamwork shit, again, I think it's Sonia. They give this poor woman so many of these clunker lines. It's like the way that she reacts like she gets an idea. I think this is her and she's like, Lord Raiden can you transport people anywhere? Shut up!

Shut up! These lines are so fucking awful. Hey Lord Raiden, Lauren, can we do what we were supposed to be doing from the beginning and start having fights with each other? One on one. That's it. This is the closest that we get right here, right?

Because Jacks fights this RICO. guy on the big fucking, you know, fatality bridge that I think you first see in Mortal Kombat 2 maybe? Or is it in the first one also? I don't remember. It is in the first one, but they make it a little cooler in the second. Yeah, it sort of looks like this where like the spikes

around the bottom. They don't utilize those though, I don't think. Which is unfortunate. Like, come on. Yeah. Especially because like, you're making this like super violent. It would be rad to see somebody fall on fucking pinhead's bed, you know? Because he breaks this dude's hammer and then claps his

hand and crushes the dude's skull. He gives him the whole, like, Ricky O thing. Like, yes, he does. It's, you know what? Credit where credits do, that's pretty fucking boss. That was a fucking Vorhees-esque head smash like that or whatever. Riccio, yeah, it's, it's grad. The general is the big milk son of, uh, from Mad Max Fury Road. Oh, okay.

Oh, really? It's that guy? Yeah, it's a big guy. Yeah. Oh, if you're in Australia, you could be in this movie, folks. Oh, hell yeah. We also get Cano versus Lou Kang, I think,

is the fight. No, it's Sonia. Yes. I think, but I think it starts with him and then it's like there's a takeover. Like Sonia swaps in for some reason, I think. No, they go to Sonia's white trash wherever and that's

right. The double wide. Oh, God. Luke is fighting Kabal and Cole is fighting Molina. Yeah, yeah. Which is, this is so stupid, too, because, like, Sonia's like, uh, you know what? I really want a piece of that bitch, Molina. Let's fucking do it. And Cole is like, no, no, no, Sonia, she's all mine.

It's like, okay. I guess you're their leader now. My favorite part is, uh, Jackson, this planning session's like, yeah, give me that right. Cause I've got, uh, I got a little score to settle with them. I'm like, don't you have a score to settle with some fucking zero who took your arms off and left you for dead? Would you want to take another back of that, dude? I think you're totally right, dude, but it's because boss call is like, because somebody says something about sub zero and he's like, no, no, no, no, we'll save sub zero for another time. Nobody can take sub zero one on one.

Yeah, it's going to be a team effort. It's going to be a team effort. Also, Jacks is secretly like, I hope I don't, I hope I don't draw the short straw and get sub zero here. Man, I'm fucking terrified of that guy. He's going to rip my fucking new arms off. I did find it in my notes. Jacks has a rad line when he

fucking kills that dude. This is, see, this is, you needed more of this because Jacks does have a good comedy line here where after the head smash, it just goes, yeah, these motherfuckers work. And I was like, yeah, okay, that's great. You made a joke, it was a funny quip and had nothing to do with a fucking movie

reference. Yeah. yeah not talking about a fucking forest gump so what uh cano's lasering up sonia's trailer uh she throws an acid bottle into his eye which shorts it out yeah that's pretty cool he tries to like use the laser and it like burns his skull which is pretty cool busts his head on a toilet which is my favorite moment okay there you go my favorite part i like toilet stuff toilet play dude yeah yeah yeah that's a good it's a good tab on Pornhub, toilet stuff.

I like throwing a beefcake into one, you know what I mean? Making a taste by water. Takes your water. They like cold. Coat, taste my water.

Drink up coal. That's the water from inside me, not from outside. This fucking dumb fight ends when she stabs him in the eye with a garden gnome and it's it's funny because earlier in the film he's like, I fucking hate garden gnomes

for some reason. Help that doesn't come into play later. Oh no, it does. Oh no, blimey. Luke Kang's doing some greatest hits on cabal here. We get the bicycle kick. That's fun. I like that bicycle kick, dude. It looked

pretty fucking cool. Let's not forget. Sonia gets the dragon mark. Oh, yeah. That's right. She can be a champion. She can do with pink rings. We finally get the pink rings. They're pretty cool.

It kills Molina pretty quick. Yeah. It's true. It nails a hole right through. It's great. Except for the spinal column, which is like, man, I forgot. I thought the human body was fragile, but. Well, you know, Malina, man, she was a hardened fighter.

She's got backbone. Yeah, I think the, her, like, shark teeth look like shit in this movie, though. They look absolutely, it's dreadful. Why even do it? Is it a Danny DeVito penguin-esque thing, too? It's like crap all over him. I got choyal all over my fucking teeth. Mortal combat.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Shank's young. I got into the strawberry jam last night. It was too delicious. It was very delicious. It was organic, it turned out. I'm not crazy about Kabbal's death here with the big flamed dragon. It didn't really do it for me. But that was his fatality, though.

It feels almost anti-cligmatic. I love that guy to get a bigger death. I know that's supposed to be a big death, but it's like the dragon bit him, played with him, and then threw him into that pit of spikes. But see, I think it would have been better if it was,

if it was the fucking animality, by the way, and he actually did turn into the dragon, which he did at one point. That would be something. Sorry, Chris, what are you saying? But Steve, aren't you glad that his last, that Cabal's last nine was,

forget about it oh maro lo that big fucking dragon over here it would have been great if you just got like one big guttural like holy shit that'd be nice just one something

and then the big the big fucking thing here is the the subzero coal fight that eventually turns into the subzero call scorpion fight sub zero ghost I kind of love it where Sub-Zero goes to the house like he's Jason

Voorhees. I was like, that's kind of cool. That's a little more atmosphere like that. Yep, exactly. But more of that, less movie references. And then he grabs coal into a frozen boxing gym and this is the site of the last big fight and his wife and daughter are frozen, but this time around they could survive it, which sure, but even though every other time that happens, people are dead. Yeah, bullshit.

I don't know. It would have been fantastic. if they had that Mickey you piece of shit guy and he was mid like jerk off motion when he got frozen like he was just like I didn't mention it at the top

but in in the prologue where you see the dude who becomes Scorpion his wife and older child frozen like that they have some close ups where they did put the ice effect like whatever this fake ice prop helmet

around the actor so they can get some close-ups but when it is this the other actor having to go up close and you have like a sort of medium shot of this guy being like oh my family it is two puppets in a fake looking like Batman and Robin

Mr. Freeze ice cage thing it looks completely dreadful it's bad and you know he's fighting he's fighting sub-zero and then wouldn't you know it's Scorpion shows up I would have thought that, like, this would be a fine time for Cole to become Scorpion. And that's quite a mantle. That would have made sense.

And it's so funny because, like, I, uh, Sub Zero constantly tries to like, I'm going to ice your heart. I'm going to ice your heart. Go away from there. I'm going to ice your heart. Oh, no. Stop zero. Stop it. Mom, Sub Zero's hitting me.

And then, you know, Daddy Scorpion here is then he comes up. But one of the, you know, he obviously does the get over here. I don't think he hits the line as well. I would have wanted but I agree. I totally agree with that because like you want that like over and it's not quite the over that

you want. He says he has risen from hell to kill you which is like okay that's pretty cool. But my he at one point he said I got a day pass from hell. I got 24 hours. First I'll kill you. Then I'm getting laid. Then I'm have a really nice steak dinner. Back to hell.

But one point he takes off his mask and his parts skeletal face that again disappears instantly. I'm sorry, give me that full skeleton head. Yes. I agree. And that's what we call a skeleton head, Chris, right?

Got a skeleton head. Better than the rest. That's a great rendition of that song. Scorpion always had the skeleton head. Yes. I want the full, I want the full skeleton head. And that's why I know for a fact, this is a dead guy. This guy's dead.

Yes. It's a ghost warrior. Release the skeleton cut, by the way. Their fight is pretty good. You know, again, like, the dude played Sub-Zero is really cool. He's from the Raid as well. We should have said that earlier. Oh, that's right.

That's one of the other guys from the raid. He's like a really good fighter, fighting dude. The best part of this fight, I think, anyway, and we saw it in the trailer at the top of the show. Yeah. When fucking Sub-Zero like stabs Scorpion and a bunch of blood shoots out of him and Sub Zero freezes it and then stabs Scorpion with his own blood. Pretty cool. I will admit when something's pretty cool like that, man. God damn, that was cool. And it's also good because Cole is just like, oh, my family,

let me just keep punching this ice. I'm like, yeah, you go over there, Cole. This is the adults you're talking over. You go do your ice sculpture thing. We'll be over here fighting to the death. Don't worry. I'll believe that they're fine. You can just keep on watching Sub Zero and Scorpy. You don't have to cut back to him. I'll believe they're cool afterwards. I don't need to see him do this. Don't worry. The fight. Go back to the fight, please. And they're fine. It's a fun fight.

And then he says, you know, leave him to me. And he does the, I've spent years taming the fires of hell. And now I'm going to burn you to death, which is, you know, pretty cool. To Eric's point, because this is a fatality in the game, whenever Scorpion did this, a skeleton face on Scorpion. But even more importantly, the guy he does a, to becomes a skeleton and that's what I'm straight.

I need sub-zero to become an actual Harryhausen skeleton and then made a crispy critter. Yes. Yep. I need crispy critters here and I don't get it. He's just like a charred dude and it's like that's fine but I need the skeleton. The face is

recognizable. That's why you want the skeleton is because you can still see like you could still you could see he he's almost like he's going to be put into Darth Vader suit soon it looks like that the head he's got all burnt off like that around the thing. It looks a little bit like that. And yeah, you're

correct. You would want bones and you would want half of them to go to one person, have to go to another person, and you are going and you're going to visit opposite ends of the earth. Wherever they happen to be vacation at the opposite ends of the earth. Like William Wallace,

right? You put one piece of head and put a leg down there so the body can never reconstruct and take over England. Look, look. they didn't have the great ideas with Wallace but that was a good one. That was a great one I thought. That was a good one. This movie one of the few good things this movie does

it sets up sub-zero as a bad motherfucker. You know what I mean? Like a dude you don't want to fuck with. Yeah. And they pay him off pretty well, him and Scorpion, but anything else. I have to say this movie, so we've had someone fucking say fatalities. We're talking about suck and souls. We're saying flawless victory, all that.

This movie pretends like it's above having some asshole come out and yell Toasty. at this part. Come on. Come on. The little girl should have said it. Yeah, toasty. Like she's standing, like feeling warm. She's like, ooh, toasty. Yeah, she falls out of her iced, you know, encasement, and then she

runs over and warms herself over the burning body. Totally. That's awesome. I do appreciate as a very, I was taken back to being like 12 years old when Sub Zero does the ice clone. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. That's a movie. he had. I'm like, that's fucking cool.

It's in those checkboxes. Exactly. One of the funniest, I don't even think they realized how stupid this was. There's a line way earlier in the film where Coles like, I'm a nobody, I'm just an orphan from the south side of

Chicago is what he says, right? The end of this movie is so Scorpion's like, all right, that motherfuckerer's done, I'm out of here. He starts talking to this guy in Japanese. And they got subtitles going, And he's like, you know, my bloodline is in good hands, take care of it now. And he's saying this all in Japanese and then vanishes back to hell.

This guy needs to be like, wait, what did he say? I don't, I don't speak Japanese. I'm just, as I told you at the start, I'm an orphan from the South Side of Chicago. I don't speak Japanese. Honey, were you paying attention? Because it just went right over. I can get that translator on Google Transit. If you remember what he said, but I don't.

It was just like a lot of word. I'll try to like spit it out phonetically. Fuck. Ah. Okay. You know what? My mother got me the Rosetta Stone for Christmas last year. I've been meeting to dip into it.

They have an app now, too, it turns out. I could be, I'll get on it, I swear. Scorpion, I messed up. He's not descended from you, the great ninja. He's just a guy. I'm sorry. Whoops. I accidentally selected an orphan from the south side of Chicago.

He's odd son. No, he's not related to you at all. Oh, this makes so much sense When I did my Ancestry.com That's why some of my ancestors are in hell. Of course. I wish that- Honey, we're part hell.

The DNA shit tells you that. Oh, my God. I found demon in them, Jack. And so they're like, yeah. Shank son's like next time gadget, you know, I'll, I won't, it's a big next time gadget. I don't send warriors

will send armies you look out motherfucker Exactly And then Raiden's all like Well my team was decimated I have I guess in the off time Between these movies I have to recruit new fighters

And then it's just like Well who's up first And then like the camera pans To this like poster in the boxing gym And it's Citizen Cage A Johnny Cage movie Citizen Kay. Okay, so the actor's name is Johnny Cage

and the movie, you know, he's also playing a guy named Cage. It's a little confusing. And it's also a reference to Citizen Kane, which is like, what? I was just gonna say, what if it was Johnny Cage as Xander Cage? Dude, Triple X-4, reboot it.

Somebody should do it. Totally. But before he does that, he has to go up to this guy who was like, throw him $200 bucks for fucking, for fights and like shots of his dick for the last five years

however he gets you. Hey, hey, let me take a look at your dick when you're done fighting tonight. How about that? And he's like, oh, look who it is. Cole Young, the world's biggest fucking loser. And he's like, well, I'm going to Hollywood. How about it's like,

the fuck you're going to go to Hollywood. Oh, man. And then here's what sucks so bad is like there's a different like techno song that ends this movie that's sort of uses a similar melody for like two seconds of the other song like I'm sorry nobody would have been bitching if you use the original song everybody would have been cheering Eric and his wife would have been cheering in the theater to hear the Mortal Kombat song like we were waiting

for it of course everybody was waiting for it oh it's a classic one why not hit nostalgia and just fucking use the old one I don't understand this also you know the Johnny cage question is now if this movie had done well at all they might have been able to go to the best Hemsworth, the Thor Hemsworth. But, of course, it did nothing at all. So at best now, you're looking at Westworld Hemsworth.

Yeah, Liam. Absolutely. Absolute best. You're going, I don't even think you got Liam. Oh, why are you sub-Lean? West World guy is, yeah, I forget what he is. But whoever's on Westworld, that one. I could, I don't know, we'll see.

I mean, because just when it was released, like no movie was doing well. so maybe if it got a lot of numbers on HBO I could see eventually something happening with another one Maybe, maybe I'll tell you this though, from some of the stuff that I was looking at online today Like there are going to be some real disappointed super fans out there Because there are people that firmly believe there's going to be like five of these movies

And it's just like, what are you fucking talking about? And you know where I found some of that being mentioned by the way? The greatest place on the internet to go for movie criticism in writing the fucking internet movie database user review section folks. Oh my God. The Tribune itself because of course

we do have to wrap it up here. So big thanks to On Location Live for setting this up again for us. We had a lot of fun here tonight. We hope you did too. Big thanks to everybody who hung out. Big thanks of course to our winners of the T-shirt contest. Please don't forget to DM us about that. We'll get those, we'll T-Public. We'll get those shirts out to you. That's right. Buttonhead CEO, The Disco Spider

And Will Oxford won There we go So we're short on time I actually had a bunch Because there are fucking maniacs Writing about this movie On IMB If you can even believe it

There's some short ones though So I'll try to blow through some of these This defeated motherfucker This first guy This guy The peer pressure here I think dude just learn to make your own opinions He goes 10 out of 10 stars

Subject line Because I'm a fan says the plot isn't that great as well as the characters but I guess being a fan I might as well respond with a great review by the way this is how all those restore this Snyderverse people talk exactly it's like oh it's terrible but

I liked it mm-hmm oh here we oh it said yeah unsurprisingly you're getting these a lot of these kinds of reviews 10 out of 10 stars man these people complaining are ridiculous. People literally

have a problem with complaining and expecting too much. I really believe this guy is complaining by the way. That's pretty right. I really believe these people made up their minds before even watching this movie because it was fantastic. 100% better than all the movies recently released and definitely

better than all the movies of 2020. Also, for the director's first movie, he did a hell of a job. The biggest annoyance is making the white male the idiot. and making female characters overpowered

that's user Peace Piper F20 Gotcha Yeah I wonder But I have a feeling He can't find the little man in the boat I feel like he can't

He's 50 steps away from that That guy That guy says shit like that And then I guarantee you he's following The Instagram account of the The lady who played Molina in this and fucking commenting some heinous shit at 3 a.m. in the morning when the fucking energy is wearing off.

Or even worse, just beautiful picture. I'm just, I'm just going to write beautiful picture. Hello, sunshine. Good morning. Hey, Melina, pretty nice picture of you at your daughter's birthday party, but why don't you smile nicer next time? Love your work. All right, let's see. See your feet, Malina.

We're on the feet. Show me them feet. Okay. Here's some flame emojis for you. Yeah, you're fire. You're fire. All right, two more. Then we've got to get out of here.

And I'm going to fly through this next one. It's kind of long, but it's fucking hilarious. One out of ten stars. Subject line, virtue signaling with loving eyes or hate joking. No professionalism at all is what the subject line is. And keep in mind, I'm fairly, fairly confident that when this person wrote this review, Mike

dash C dash B is the username. This guy doesn't know what virtue signaling even refers to. The start is laughably cliche as a family virtue signals to each other with loving eyes, completely ruining the illusion of a hardworking life

and that any of them know how to defend themselves at all. Lewis Tan, Lewis Tan is the guy who plays Cole. Lewis Tan, virtue signals with glowing eyes nonstop for no reason he also did the same on Instagram

all throughout the filming yeah you're following these people on Instagram you fucking lose out of course after fight scenes he virtue signals with love in his tummy again oh man you know what on the high zero zero professionalism remember to put on your virtue signal

before changing lanes on the highway what the fuck is this ass very important talking about Care bear shit. Like in your tummy? What's going on? This guy's toe? How do you know it's in his tummy?

Yeah. In one scene, he hate argues with a confused old man, both acting tough towards each other with other cliche lines. No really strong person acts tough. Yet this is somehow the lead in a mortal combat film. What? Dude.

Hate argues. What is? All voiceovers are fake. and show no passion for the words they're saying at all. Is this titled Manifesto by any chance? If you read this, I'll be dead.

The whole point of Mortal Kombat as a film or TV series is good fight scenes and 100% real story and characters. Dude, you're talking about Mortal Kombat. Where reptiles turn invisible shoot ass in people. The loud mute,

this is where he gets like an old man. This is hilarious. the loud music distracts you from the fight scenes in a poor attempt to add more drama which was never needed in the first place and doesn't let the viewer decide what they look at and how they process it the camera shakes nervously

zooms in on feet looking right at scared faces yeah you're noticing the feet um watch the Mortal Kombat Conquest TV series instead if you want more than the if you want more than just the first two movies no no I won't be doing that

I will not be doing that. No, absolutely not. All right, here we go. The last one, much, much shorter. But I was collecting these and, like, I had to call all these losers out. No, this is worth it. This is fucking eye opening. One out of ten stars, subject line, white man, bad.

Oh, boy. User TV is dead. Are we calling Australians white men now? Yes. Here's a question, though. I mean, like, yeah, but Cano was always a villain, always, always, always, forever. Always a villain. He's a villain.

And all the games in the last movie. Yes. And if you don't have, if you don't have Johnny Cage, Cano is the only white guy in there. And that's it. He's going to be the bad. Well, that's it. Yeah.

This, this Marrifogers got some thoughts on that. Uh, okay. Uh, so white man bad. The producer director removed or didn't introduce Johnny Cage because the movie would be based around a white protagonist. Except in the Mortal Kombat games, it's always been Lou Kang as the protagonist, semi-colon and Asian.

Dude. Yet, for some reason, they made someone who isn't a part of the universe of MK, and for some reason couldn't use the protagonist they already had as a part of it. And like, I actually agree with that guy on that point. Sure. Sure.

Cole sucks. Use the characters, yeah. A racist clock. Something, something. Yes. And here's my grandfather's racist clock. You're on Antique Road Show. Yes.

Stupid, stupid, mindless fun like the game, sure. But it ruins the experience because you include Sonia Blade, Jax, Kano, and many more, but not Johnny Cage, because he's white. Yikes, dude. And he tops it all on. He tobs it all off. And remember, look this, look this guy up, kids.

TV is dead is the username. Remember, folks, racism is okay. So long as it isn't white racism. Oh, man, oh man. Honey, I'm mad at the Mortal Kombat movie again. I'm writing a fiery review on the IMDB again. Yeah, it turns out my racism was right. Find your own boatman,

baby. Oh, but that is going to do it for our episode on Mortal Kombat, ladies and gentlemen. We thank you so much for coming and hanging out with us this evening. And until the next appearance, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Shao Khan, who wasn't in this movie because he's a white man. Chris Caput. Take it easy, folks. Have a good night. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

That was a hit-gum That was a hate-gum podcast.