We Hate Movies - S12 Ep617: Cats & Dogs

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

On this episode, the 2022 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza gets all fun for the whole family with a polite, not-at-all crude conversation about the 2001 smash hit, Cats & Dogs! Is the CGI better in this film than in any of the prequels? How weird is it hearing Tobey Maguire voice this Aw Shucks gentle puppy? And are we to believe that Jeff Goldblum fathered this WASP child? PLUS: ScarJo and Colin discuss each other’s work!  Cats & Dogs stars Jeff Goldblum, Elizabeth Perkins, Alexander Pollock, and Miriam Margolyes, with the voices of Tobey Maguire, Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Sean Hayes, Joe Pantoliano, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jon Lovitz, and Charlton Heston; directed by Lawrence Guterman. Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm  Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ha! This week on the program, this one almost killed Eric Siska dead in his living room. It's cats and dogs. I'm Andrew Jufin, Stephen Sadek. Eric Katzka. Woof, woof, Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. The 2022 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza is continuing with 2001's Lawrence Gutterman directed cats and dogs. You may remember that name from previous. episode, son of the mask. Oh, baby. This movie got him that because this movie, you're going to be like Summer Blockbuster Cats and Dogs. This movie's number one in the box office, July 4th weekend. It was a huge fucking movie, July 4th weekend, 2001, taken over the box office. And you know how plugged in Osama Bin Laden was on the internet. I think you saw the trailer or some murmurings

of this. And it was like, picked up the phones like, yeah, yeah, send the planes. Yeah, it's happening. We got to finish these people off. They have talking dogs. We cannot absolutely no, no, no, no, no, no, we must not. That's really irresponsible. I don't think this movie caused 9-11, but it certainly didn't help. No, it doesn't help. I genuinely think this and Charlie's Angels, like, those were direct

direct causes of what happened on September 11th. That's right. It seems like it fits together. This fucking movie made $200 million internationally. It sure did. And I'll tell you what it is. I think

part of it, a large part of it, just goes to show you how little parents want to spend time talking to their kids. Oh yeah. Because we will get them in this fucking theater. We will get them in for the air conditioning. They will sit there. They'll shut the fuck up and I don't have to deal with them and watch cats and dogs for 86

grueling minutes. I mean this should tell you where fucking Toby McGuire's career was before Spider-Man came fucking swinging in to his life. I mean, this, that he is voicing this dog. Oh, wow. This is before Spiner. It's right before. That's amazing.

Yeah, I mean, well, that's the weirdest part about the Toby McGuire thing in this and also in Spider-Man is it's this, G. Willickers, oh, I shucks. I'm a cute little doll man, but, you know, come on, Leo, let's fucking do coke off of a shit with tits. Come on, Leo, you fucking killed that girl, man. Those little critters, critters that were the pussy posse. Yeah, all eating at Dung's Plum and whatnot. Yes, and in this movie, we've got a different pussy posse. They're cats. They're evil.

They like expressly, we were talking the other day. Of movies that cannot be made today, I genuinely do not think a movie like this could be made because cats are so explicitly evil and the worst of the two animals. You're right. Because dog aganda is what it is. Thank you. The pro-cat documentary, Ketty has come out now. Also, all the memes.

The internet loves cats. In 2001, the internet was there, but folks at home, if you're too young. You don't know. No, no one gave a fuck about the internet in 2001. If anything, if you were on the internet, you'd hide that. Well, you were doing a couple of things on the internet in 2001. Yeah, beating off. Beaten off.

Yeah, you're looking at slow to download pornography and like really glitchy fucking real player porno videos, definitely. Stealing Metallica albums only. Absolutely. Only Metallic albums really stick it to that fucking drummer. You were still probably in chat rooms lamenting. the end of the X files. Hell yeah. Long gunman didn't get their

shot. Or you were fucking you know going into websites like movie poopshoot.com and the like and fucking bitching about casting notices and all that stuff and that was it. Oh yeah. This was the age of the message board. If you were in on the internet you were into message boards and I'm

sorry I cannot help you. That shit is fucking disgusting. I can't do with that. But you know what to say something nice about this feature before we start really digging into it because I really, really detested it. Something nice about this movie. Yeah. The CGI, I think, is better than all the Star Wars prequels

put together. I honestly think it looks better than those movies. Those mouths look disgusting. When the cat starts talking the little Mr. Tinkles, it is like Jabba the Hutz asshole. It's just like, I see where the connection is though, because I will say, I kind of like the

puppets. The puppets are pretty well done. Because here's the thing. You have the one cat, Mr. Tinkley. who's doing that poor bastard is like 90% puppet yes but we are throwing this Toby McGuire dog around a lot and it's a lot of just like a stuffed animal get thrown against the wall and fuck that's funny this is another reason that 9-11 had to happen is because Sean Hayes's career was in ascension at the time oh he was going to be a star and things had to fucking be derailed because I couldn't say it's tough enough now in this movie where

I'm not seeing him I'm just listening to him But man, that man grates me. Yeah, he's not great. I mean, he's still got, I was looking today. It's still on IMDB that there will be a sequel to that Three Stooges movie. I don't know. It better not. I don't know.

Am I the only person on the planet that didn't hate that three Stooges movie? I mean, I don't think I hated either, but I just forgot it immediately. Yeah, I saw it, but I don't know what I thought about it. I mean, I remember. What did he play Larry? He played Larry. Yes. And I remembered it being a very weird like, oh.

This looks and sounds exactly like a Three Stooges thing. And they very much had a Three Stooges plot. And it was all done totally seriously as a Three Stooges movie. And it wasn't particularly winky or anything like that. You got Larry David playing a nun at one point, you know. Maybe I should go back. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Sean Hayes is like a really amazing vegan restaurant. Yes. Is it fantastic? Is it really talented? I just don't want anything to do with it. I'll be over here again. Yes. Oh, very, very talented. I don't want that to let go.

Exactly. He just does not do it for me at all. Exactly. Me either. The thing with the CGI, though, kind of totally overused because this opening shot, you've got this little paper boy, this fucking little pitch perfect picket fence neighborhood. This little paper boy, Hunter. Hunter Biden? That's right. Oh, look at this little kid's laptop. Some videos, huh? Yeah.

Throwing dong down the fucking. hallway, dude. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, you'd see those stories come out and all these conservative media gets all angry and I'm like, it seems pretty cool to me. Son, son, could you stop sucking on your mother's toes like that? If my father was the president, I'd be on drugs constantly and my dick would be out in perpetuity. I don't even know what you're talking about. What is he up to now? The pictures that leaked, he was like sucking on toes and okay. Yeah, I'm saying it's pretty cool. Yeah, like we're saying it's cool. Oh, I see. No, I just don't understand what their problem is we're on hunter oh no this was a huge i mean there was a huge deal for

the right wing as well but like no we're saying it's cool we love hunter we like yeah the uh is hunter hunter biden's favorite tenacious d lyric probably is uh we don't mind sucking on toes right very much honestly open chair whenever you wanted hunter oh at any day also hunter fieri welcome to the show come on down oh do you fuck that kid i know this nepotism up the fucking What? There's a fucking Flavortown Jr? You don't know what the Flavortown? Listen, guys, I pay attention to so little about shit I don't care about.

Okay, so Guy Fierry, metal lady. Start at the beginning, Eric. They kissed. They had sex like cats and dogs. They fell in love. They spewed, and then Hunter came out, Hunter Fierry. And he's lanky and weird, and he's on

grocery games and other things. Just kind of around. We were watching And there was some, one of the many food competition shows. It was like, oh, the big chef competition or whatever the hell they call it. It was like a tournament of champions or whatever. And I'm like, I'm Hunter Fiore. I'm going to interview you. And I'm like, dude, get off my tell.

He's uniquely terrible. But open seats. Open seat. Does he look like Guy Fieri? No, he's obviously one of those like my dad's famous for me in fats. I'll never be fat kind of guys. Oh, I see. What's the sunglasses on top of the head situation?

No, no, no. He's dressed like a normal person. my father was famous Hey Hunter you're technically in SAG now awesome I think what I was saying with the paper boy

this fucking ridiculous Hunter Biden's dick shit is he throws the newspaper toward the house of our protagonist family and for no reason other than like I guess to get it through the slats of the picket fence

it's a CGI newspaper and I was like you know what why don't you just throw a fucking newspaper and get on with the movie. The other thing about this movie is the immaculate. And I mean, this is a very early aughts thing. Again, pre-9-11, but even more so after 9-11, this like, let's fucking jerk off for America that never existed kind of a thing.

Like, this movie is so specifically like, mom and dad and 1.3 kids, G. Willikers, 1950s, like, there's a housewife baking a pie in like three minutes. And I'm like, that hasn't happened in 40 years. Well, it's kind of a weird netherworld. like this and like cat in the hat does that too. Dr. Seussing. It's all that shit that you guys mentioned and also let's not forget, narrow a person

of color to be. Exactly. Because they're describing the perfect state to grow up as a child. You have your mother, your father, no minority. It's insane. All the color saturation is way overdone. And of course, it always involves Alec Baldwin.

Every time. Every goddamn time. There's a direct line between this and cat had as well. Yes. And there's a direct line between this and the boss baby. Like they're very very similar like, yes, definitely. Everything you don't understand about dogs, babies, or lizards. Like there's, oh, when you, when your lizard goes away,

you got to see what's going on in that terrarium. Does Alec Baldwin narrate Rango? No, he could. Well, no, I mean, like I get babies, dogs and cats. Like, I understand that Alec Baldwin, I mean, he is a master of caring for people as, as his history as a parent has proven. Dude, he's yelling at, like,

because he voices one of the dogs, right? Like the fucking old gruff dog. And he's yelling at this Toby McGuire dog, and I was like, call him a pig. Call this little dog a pig. Please do it. Oh, please do it. Okay, take it again. You called the dog a pig. Could you? Could you? We got to go again.

You're an inconsiderate little pig, you dog. It's a, you and your mother. You and your mother. It's a puppy. It's a puppy, not a pig. Stop calling it a hog. Do you think Tom Six has seen this movie? Oh, definitely. Underrated.

Oh, that's a credible opinion, Tom. Thank you for being so nice about my field, cats and dogs. Yeah, your vocal performance was one for the ages. I would like you to do the voice of the crumbling towers in the Onalia Club. There's no way Jetfield did this. It must have been a type of controlled explosion. Oh, Tom, is that what you wanted? That's perfect.

Alex, this will certainly get me sent to prison now. But, you know, it's a big, a dog is fighting, rassel at a cat for this newspaper. The newspaper sort of sets off the event and we're doing like really cartoony stuff, even

so much so the dog runs up against a tree and then he goes, you know, we're doing like that. It's that kind of cartoonish reality, I guess. It lets you know right away what kind of a movie you're dealing with here because, yeah, it is this It's a big old hound dog buddy and he runs after this cat. And yeah, there's a lot of, there's a, it's a lot of Looney Tunes physics.

Oh, yeah. He's pulling the tree down and then he lets it go and the cat goes flying, like a, you know, a slingshot or whatever. And this dog gets, uh, taken in a van that has license plate that I imagine Steve, you have. Uh-huh. Cats rule with a Z. Well, if Steve had a driver's license and then owned a car. Then, sure, I guess I'm making a lot of assumptions. It was a few more hurdles to overcome for that one.

Before I could get a vanity plate. Look, I'm optimistic about his future, okay? It's just, but the dog agenda will not stand. And Eric will back me up on this, because the cats are just the unequivocal villains. Like, it's, you know what, an alien versus predator, everybody was on even footing a little bit. Sure, that's true.

The alien's the cat and the predator's the dog. And the predator winds up being a little bit more heroic than the alien, but fans of the alien franchise are like, Like, well, at least everybody's kind of fighting each other. See, I think the move should have been. Freddie versus Jason, same situation. Well, absolutely. With this, though, you could have had a thing where it's like there's some dogs.

They're actually siding with the cats. Right. But then there's like some cat revolutionaries who are like the guys at the top, me, you know, we want to fucking help these dogs out. So then it's like balanced that a little bit. I will admit up front, of course, as many people know, I am a dog person. I'm not a cat person only because I am horrendously allergic to them And I feel like if I wasn't I'd be totally fine with him

You need Jeff Goldblum to fucking fix that shit right up for you Dude and the fact that this is such a major plot point of this movie Jeff Goldblum a live action Jeff Goldblum mind you Yikes married to a really put upon and very patient Elizabeth Perkins Working on a cure for dog allergies He's got a cocaine facial hair Does not transition into weed and it's like a psychedelics quite yet. It's like a smash mouth

is popular. Yeah, yeah. Well, he's got long sideburns and he's got the chin thing, dude. He looks like he should be fucking singing in the deaf tones with this. It's that, it's also like the first guy to the orgy that brings the food. You know what I mean? He is so early. He's just

like, uh, oh, I brought some snacks for anybody. It's a hungry before or after. When someone in Everly gets pregnant from the orgy, well, life finds away. That's right. That is right. But you know, the society the pop culture, I guess, not society

so much, pop culture always saying dogs versus cats. I grew up with a dog and a cat and it was fucking fine. Yeah, it's fine. What is this shit? I don't know where it started. I mean, is it Looney Tunes? Did Looney Tons start? Tom and Jerry.

Tom and Jerry. That was the original sin. But was depression cats and malice? Was Tom and Jerry, though? Was that whole show based off of like some old fucking Grampi was like, you know, cats and dogs don't get a long show well. It's probably like, oh, this is the food shade.

You have a mouse. You can eat that first, then cat and dog last. But that, I think, like, and I think they watch Tom and Jerry in this or something like it, because the thing with it is that the dogs were above them all. Like, they very rarely came in. They weren't involved with it. They were the higher class.

They're watching a Lutitunes cartoon, and it was kind of bumming me out because, like, I could... Because, again, this movie is, like, aping some of those physics, the noises and, like... Yeah. But just none of the style or actual, like, Grace, and I'm like, or comedy. Kind of what I was watching the lunatics that actually laugh. I mean, nine years earlier, we had just had the Tom and Jerry movie, which is insane.

And we will deal with it someday. There was a Tom and Jerry movie before the Colin Jost one? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. And if I recall, because I haven't seen it, but the only thing I remember about that movie, your father made a horrible scene of the theater. Oh, yeah, yeah. What did he do?

I was doing some Hunter Biden stuff? Well, no, no, he would be the Joe Biden. I would be the Hunter. So you, okay. So he was getting you popcorn and you had your pants on the way. Yes. And I was doing Coke and on the bed with a lady of the night. What a great theater. No. My dad. 42nd Street. Yeah. Albany, New York. My dad, we went, I think for like my birth there or something. Like you found out you could rent out out of theater, but you can only rent out like specific titles. Okay. Okay. So whatever. We were just like, we'll watch Tom and Jerry. I would like to see Tom and Jerry movie. And we all sit down. It's like seven. of my friends, and we sit down, it starts, and it's

like out of focus. And my dad does the normal, like, focus. Uh-huh. Like, does that, like, does that, like, three times. Waits for maybe five minutes. Storms, like, like, gets out and is, like, banging on what he thinks

is the door to the booth. The booth. Oh, really? But it's definitely, like, where you would, like, put like, like, yeah, yeah, Janitor's closet. What theater was this? This was, it was it was like them sir it was it at our place it was late them sir oh so yeah he's just banging out of fucking closet

yeah yeah and it was and finally somebody noticed and they're like oh you could have just talked to the person oh so they tried to talk him down a little bit like you could have done this better sir instead of slamming on a door sir put the knife down sir I believe that's out of fucking focus man

I believe that was all all the calming down he did take it turned around and said fuck you Oh, wow. Awesome. Listen, guys, I got a room full of fat kids want to watch Tom and Jerry, and that shit is out of fucking focus. Those kids love focus. Look,

Topps three kids there were fat, including myself. I don't want to put that evil on my other friends. Oh, they're fat now. Well, maybe they are. It might be. You might be right on that area. Fat finds away, but it does. It does, dude. Fat after 40. That's how that shit works.

The movie turned out to be good? Because that college Joe's movie is fucking terrible. Oh, yeah, that thing is... I mean, it's definitely better than that because it's all like actual 2D animation. Cats and Dogs is better than that. It is. I would actually say that.

I don't know. I don't know, dude. I've not seen it, but I can't... Well, why don't you do it tonight? No, I'm good. I have difficulty imagining anything better than the film Cats. Well, I'll tell you... I'll tell you what. The reason why it's better is cats and dogs does not waste

a performance from Lil Rel Rale Howary. which is what the Tom and Jerry movie does. And it doesn't pay Colin Jost, which is also, in this film, Cats and Dogs 2001, Colin Joe's, did make a fucking penny from it? Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins and Miriam Margolis, like that's fine. Hey, wow, you got a nice paycheck there, Colin, from a movie. We're going to put this right on

the fridge. That's amazing, but wow, dude, that's a lot of zeros. We don't need to cash it. Sweetheart, why would you cash it? Then it's not as much of a collectibles item. It was just streaming, sweetheart. Oh, wow, you made so much money on that. Yeah, we'll watch it tomorrow. Oh, no, I got...

Sorry, I got a Marvel phone call tomorrow. Are you going to... Apologies. Are you going to be in another movie with these movies? Oh, I'm going to be in like five more. Honey, there's no... There's no universe getting created with that? That's a shame.

You know, it's difficult for me, because I try to balance art films like Marriage Story, which is nominated for Oscars, with enormous blockbusters, the Black Widow, we're avenger. But you're just, you're just doing so good on Saturday's night lives. And that Tom's a show. Oh, man. I can't tell

jokes like you, sweetheart. She probably thinks he reads the actual news on TV. My husband's a journalist. I never laughed once. I just thought it was the news. Saturday Night Live is on MSNBC. It's not.

All right. Listen, honey, we're going to put your your check right up on the fridge. Until we get our frame guy to come in and frame it. But until then, is the laundry done? I've got you a gold sticker. Can I get a weekend update on dinner? Oh, there it is. That's the one.

That is the one. Folks, if you watch Tom and Jerry, my God, his attempts at acting, holy trito. Worse than Fallon back in the day out of care. 10 times worse. Wow. definitely worse.

A hundred times worse. This dude, you know, he's got to be good at something. Knocking up Scarjo. He's succeeded there, but like, boy, oh boy, acting in a fucking movie, absolutely not. He's absolutely fantastic at getting money. He's absolutely blows the competition away at receiving money. Cats and dog.

There it is. Can I put something out here? Sure. Fucking surprise of the century for this movie. The boss of it all, the mastiff, voiced by soon-to-be-de-de-de-charlton. Heston? Honestly great. And this is fucking talking shit at Columbine Charlton the Heston. This is not like

back in this, everything was out about Charlton Heston. You put him in this movie. Absolutely. Well, you know, he'd already fucking been a, been an ape the year before, right? Am I remembering that correctly? But don't worry, he's in the movie for like 60 seconds for at least the... True. From my

cold dead paws. Stop doing anything for anybody? Okay, I was right. The fucking, Do you know the people who wrote this are the, they did Jungle Cruise and I love you, Christopher Morris, Bad Santa. Wow. Like, this is the big. Philip Morris. Yeah, I love you, Philip Morris.

That's a bad, bad list. Bad Santa is the best one out of them. Bad Santa and Bad News, the Bad News Barry remake, which I do like. Oh, that movie's fucking funny. It's really good. And I like Bad Santa, too. Yeah, Bad Santa's good, too. I remember being pissed off about Bad Santa because he's not, like, actually murdered at the end of that movie.

They, like, play with that. for, doesn't he like it shot the back? Yeah. And I was like, cool, kill him. That would be awesome. I recently saw it blind drunk on a Christmas and it was a good time. There you go. It's a funny little movie. So, yeah, so Charlton Heston

is kind of doing this like, you know, there's a team of dog agents that are going. So like this, we didn't say, this dog, this hound dog. Yes. Gets kidnapped. It's reddished by a bunch of cats. It's cats listening to Tom Petty,

by the way. They call it. Cat napped, which is funny because we just recorded an episode on baby napped, our lifetime episodes that come out on Patreon. And that, that brings up a question. This was fucking nagging me all day watching this fucking movie was your fingers pointing a lot. At you. At you. I don't know why.

Oh, you're getting fingered. Because you brought up baby napped. Oh, yeah. And baby napped. It's not the baby who's doing the kidnapping. The cat is doing the kidnapping this. It's his dog napped. Dog napsed. I'm not catnapsed. You're right.

Terrible writing. That's right. The kid doesn't do the napping. The kid is napped. Yeah, come on. That's true. Get the details, buddy. But if a kid would nap a kid. That would be a kidnapping. A kid kid, kidnap. Kidnapping squared. So is it, is that a thing, napping somewhere?

I mean, it has to be. Because, I mean, I think because as a society, we progress to say, we're not going to say someone gets shanged, hide. Yeah. Well, no, but like, good that we did. That's what you got. You got to hit the head on a boat. Instead of napping, what is it, nabbing, right? Because I'm going to nab that.

So, kidnapping, that should have been what it was. Maybe nabbing comes, I don't know. I think that's, this is why Liam Neeson was saying, taken. It's just too confusing. That's true. Didn't Taylor Lottner have that movie kidnapped? Abducted. Abducted.

That's, or a cat abduction or a dog, well, that would be a dog. Well, that would be a dog. Listen, abduction. That's aliens. The dog shun. The dog does get abducted. And so, you know, like, he's like, we need to get another agent in there, which is. I love him that they burn this dog immediately.

What is going on with that? Because we get a file photo. Bullshit. We have this dog on vacation. That dog has been murdered by these cats. Yeah, yeah. I think it's gone. Because, oh, he's been abducted.

But now he's retired to Boca Raton. Like, it's the old joke that you would tell your kid. Like, oh, yeah, he's on a farm up state somewhere. Exactly. That dog got this fucking throat slit and these cats pissed in the wound. He's hanging out with Morty Seinfeld at this point. Absolutely, dude.

Six feet under. So, yeah, so this thing gets kidnapped. So, yeah, Charlton Esson is like, we're sending another team in and one of them is going to be a sleeper agent. And we cut to like a fucking, what is it, a barn or something nonsense? Enter Toby McGuire.

Hold on. What are you doing? What's happening? that is from Don's Plum. Remember when he's screaming? Oh, man. Oh, play it again. Here it comes. He's saying what's up to people. Oh, that's what it is. What's up? He's communicating. At home should know that Don's Plum was a movie that features a lot of the Pussy Posse in it, which was Leonardo DiCaprio, Toby McGuire. David Blaine, Conroy. Right. And we did an episode on this film, which is sort of rare, but I think it's on YouTube.

YouTube. We did a side order of sleaze on our Patreon, yeah. But it's, I mean, but that's what I'm saying. Like, that's who Toby McGuire is. That's like, I'm a little sweet little dog person. Has anybody seen the fucking ice storm? Yes, exactly. Christ.

That's when he's like balancing whether or not he's going to like do something to Kate Hudson when she passed out. Oh, fuck. That sounds more like the man's speed is all I'm going to say. That's a Don's plumb fella. Yeah, that's a dude who's getting a side of front. at 3 a.m. at Duns Plum, don't worry. I mean, I prefer Wonder Boys

where they're fixing to pass him around the room. But him and Robert Donny Jr., get it on. That's a good movie. All right, Pete Curtis Hanson. He's talking about he has dreams beyond the barn and he wants to see the world, etc.

And he tries to do a, what do he called that? They're a catapult. And he just, this dog just, this dog eats shit for five seconds. It's kind of fun. It's like he's a beagle we should. A puppy totally adorable beagle puppy. He tries to, yeah, launch

himself out the barn window miscalculates, face plants right into like below the window frame. And this is what I'm talking about. There is a lot of hilarious both CGI and puppet animal violence. Sure. Like comedy, pratfall kind of shit. So like that dog

eating shit at that window so was pretty great. And then it's like, uh-oh. because I guess what you're to believe is that dogs all over the world are in on this network of whatever because they sort of like cut a hole in the barn floor and then it's like there's one dog who's like replacing the beagle puppies with these like Doberman puppies because the Doberman puppies are the trained dog agents

and these beagles are just like hapless farm dogs and the main Doberman is a guy doing an Arley Armory apprais It wasn't him. I thought it was going to be him. How do you not get Arlie Irmy to do your little... I would have done your dog movie. He should have sued. Yeah.

Well, we're going to get into it, but there's a lot of people who are doing voices they probably shouldn't be doing in this here movie. Billy West is having a lot of fun with the ninja cats. Yeah. Those are bad. He's taking it for a walk.

But yeah, they get replaced and Elizabeth Perkins comes to get one. She's like, oh, you have all these beagle puppies, and they're all Dobermans, and the guy's like, oh, they must have changed colors. It's a different fucking dog. It looks completely fucking different, you idiot. What are you doing here? What are they doing my dog? What happened to my dog? That's what it should have been, dude. And also, like, it doesn't appear as if he's charging Elizabeth Perkins anything for this dog. So it's not like you're losing money. Find out

what happened. The family also didn't give a fuck when their dog disappeared. No, they don't. They don't care at all. She's just out. We learned so like the next scene she takes Lou comes out from under a pile of hay and she's like oh here's the only beagle I'll take this one and leaves brings it home to the kid and she says like oh well you know honey

buddy's been missing for like a month so here's another dog a dog that they do not make any effort whatsoever to fucking train no house break nothing and then when this dog is like being framed for like getting in the

garbage and this that the other thing shitting on the floor he's framed for that and they're just like oh my god bad dog and I'm like nowhere in this movie are you trying to train this dog so of course it's going to take his shit on the floor I'm not even seeing a walk I'm not even seeing a fucking walk here

they're leaving this dog outside overnight unleashed the dog is not for that like they don't care it's for science yeah exactly it's like dad needs a dog around the house to experiment on I do think that honestly this is a Beethoven scenario this dog's gonna be fucking

just shot dead behind an Italian restaurant. Whenever they're done with, oh, honey, get my gun. Oh, we're just going to test little anthrax on you here, buddy. Here we go. Now it's time for the fun part. Elizabeth Pergitt, like,

the kid is like, we're forgetting buddy already. Like, he's only been gone for a little bit. And she's like, shut your fucking mouth. Your father needs a new dog. Realistically, maybe you wait a little longer than a month before replacing a pat. Big time. But your father needs to

fucking pour chemicals on it or whatever. Also, like, lean into that. Like, I know buddy's gone. I know it's going to be difficult for you, but your dad does need a dog. So we're just now here's buddy. Here's this little Lou. We're not calling it loser.

Yes. A, B, just we're not calling it loser. Right, because she offers the kid that's disgusting shit boy, bud. Oh, boy. To beat the band. In the fucking hall of fame, awful.

Zero redeeming factors. I hope he's not doing well today. I looked it up. He's a realtor. I hope he's making very low brokerage fees. You know what? Once you get out of Hollywood, you're fine. I hope he's doing just okay. I'm not trying to sell houses. It's okay. Look, realtors tend to be into Bitcoin, so he's probably having a bad time.

Yeah, he's having a terrible time, and he's even worse than this movie. It's a rough look on this kid. It sucks. The floppy blonde hair. And I mean, like, where did this little Aryan kid come from? a fucking Goldblum's clock. That makes no sense whatsoever. Yeah, where's the fucking mailman, dude?

Hell you grant the fucking mailman. That's where this came from. Oh, oh, special delivery. Or if he's like, oh, ah, yeah, that's your son from another marriage. I don't give a, ah, shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. This would make sense because he's completely disconnected from the family, Jeff Goldblum. He doesn't want anything to do with anyone.

He's always tinkering in the basement, which is a full-blown laboratory, which is pretty cool. I would love one of these. I'm not going to call a football, okay? I'm not doing it. It's fucking soccer. Shut up. It's fucking soccer.

Shut up. I think the one thing that I will say about the Goldblum character, I appreciate that this is a guy with a focused mission. He wants to create a cure for dog allergies. It's not what I despise in characters. He's just a hapless inventor. This is my latest. fucking thing.

Gremlin's disease. Yeah, Gremlin. Caratop, absolutely. You're Mr. Zelensky from Honey, I Shruck. Absolutely. Fuck that guy.

And that's the thing, too, though, and I think that's why Goldblum's such an odd choice for this movie for a trillion reasons. Yeah. And clearly, there was either a Coke problem

or a gambling debt. I don't know what the deal was. I love the horses. I mean, it's crazy because what is it? The Celtics didn't cover. I guess it had to be a, cat's dogs. It's only a few years after

Jurassic Park, too. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what I want, I wanted to pull up just to see, and, you know, we can just keep going. But I want to see what's going on with him. It's like, yeah, 97 of 2001. You want a Rick Moranis type who's like warm and goofy and like, because like, you know, Jeff Coleman, A could do comedy. B has played a shit ton of scientists. She is wasted in this movie. But isn't it nice to know that this, this charming husband scientist also clearly fucks? Yeah. Isn't it nice to know that he probably fucks all the time?

But does he? Because this kid ain't his, dude. That's the thing. He doesn't. He doesn't. He fucks the dog, man. The wardrobe and the fucking hair makes me think he fucks con. And the glasses. Sure.

He'll get his goatee. Ah. What did you sit on it? Hmm. Ha. He's probably going out at night, going to smash mouth and death tones concerts. I mean, picking up some strange at a deaf tones concert. That's right.

Oh, I'll be your white pony. Oh, I just, uh, fuck the regional manager of a coconuts video. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Oh, it was great because, yeah, let me get to the Ticketmaster counter before they opened. There's a lot of room in the back of this sunset video. So he was in another movie in 2001 called Perfume.

Oh, that's that weird movie with, what do you call it there? Is it Ben Wischaw in that? No, that's that's, that's later. Col. Okay, this is just, it's absolutely nothing. Got it. Uh, his 2000, literally three things I've never heard of, a movie, one of, one of the Hollywood 10, another movie called Chain of Fools.

No. And then a third motion picture called Augie Rose. Nope, those, none of those exist. Well, I guess he was in an indie period, because isn't Igby goes down somewhere around here? Maybe it's like 2004 or something. That's like 2001. I think that's, no, too. Oh, wow.

Okay. So yeah, this is like, is indie, but I guess it's like, uh, if I'm going to do that, uh, um, uh, uh, Kieran Culkin movie, I better make some money doing a dog shit. And I think, well, because, so you had two, where are we, so 2000, yeah, 2001 was this. And then, yeah, like his 99, he played himself on an episode of Dr. Katz. 98, he did a voice in Prince of Egypt. Was, uh, holy man, terrible movie? Was the fallout from Lost World that bad that he was like cast out?

Like, that's the thing is it did make money, but like, what else would cause this? You're right. They just didn't know what to do. them, I think, right? Because it's Jeff Goldblum. He's been in things for you. I just don't understand it. In 2001, you know, people were saying like Seinfeld was to New York, if you know what I mean.

I think you're coming right to. Yeah. Because again, like, look at this movie and he's he's basically playing a white guy in this movie and it's, I mean, that's in the, you know, he's just playing like an Aryan dude basically. Pretty much. Well, now I hate his performance twice. This is all wrong. Well, it's

interesting because he doesn't really kind of come back to any sort of prominence until 04 with Steve Zisu. Yeah, that makes sense. And then it kind of... I remember watching that movie being like, oh yeah, Jeff Goldblum, because it had been a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I certainly did not see cats and dogs until somebody

forced me to last night. Yeah, whose pick was this? Was it Chris? Hello. Oh, boy. So, whatever. He's like an absent-minded dad. He's working on his formula. The kid hates the dog, he wants to call him loser, they short it to lose.

I would like, my eyebrow would go up a little bit if I'm the mom and they're like, call the dog loser. And I'm like, are you a little Ted Bundy? Yeah, totally. We're going to sit down. We're going to have a talk. Why would you call him a dog loser? Hit this fucking dog in the head with a shovel. Exactly.

This dog, if this also goes missing, we're going to have a real fucking conversation. Absolutely. As long as it doesn't fully start decaying so he can get Jeff Gobble and can be allergic to The fur, really all he needs is the fur of these things, right? Why is the dog's head in the freezer? Oh, God, what really? Your dad needed this dog.

It's about as pissed off as she gets in this movie and frankly, she should be much more angry at all. Poor Elizabeth Perkins, man. She's really put upon. I mean, like, she, because I remember when that, when that Flintstones movie came out, previous episode, it was like, and Elizabeth Perkins is Wilma.

Like, she was a name. Oh, yeah. and she's fucking hot Wilma Flintstone in that movie absolutely dude I mean she made her I think like she made a lot of money I think being on weeds she was on that whole fucking series

Oh sure That's good She may play it money I never saw a second of that show But it's interesting because she looks like the woman Who's the main actor Mary Lewis Parker Yeah I confused the two of them with

Funny enough because we're talking about Jeff Goldblum here I confused the two of them also with a third David Tellem from Indies depending the stage. Those three women are one person to me. I can see that for sure. I beat Elizabeth Perkins it's easy to remember. She's the one who fucked the 11 year old

and big. Oh. Right. That's awesome. Nice to sail. But to be fair at the time, it was a big 11 year old. There's a big 11 year old. There's an awfully big 11 year old. If an 11 year old shapes shifts into an adult, who am I to whatever?

Sure. I'm just saying easy way to remember. You can't be, you can't go to jail for shapeshifters. I'm sorry. No. I'm not yet. Not yet. You could. You know, we'll see. I'm not going to call up the Federali's honor. I'm just saying it happened. Officer, there was a genie involved.

And let's just leave it at that. Yes, I'm a shapeshifter quark, but I'm also an 11 year old boy. You can't have sex with me. In her perspective, she just had sex with like a 38-year-old man. A toy genius. Who came instantly and it was terrible. but he's so smart how can it be so bad in bed well it makes sense now that she knows he's fucking 11 years old I mean

that's the thing when she drops him off and it's we'll do that movie at some point it's a sweet scene where like he turns and he's like she sees the kid in the big suit yep you've just got to drive off a fucking cliff she's at the car she's like well that's the end to me you're already out at the fucking boardwalk lady

get on the beach and walk into the ocean put it in reverse and run that kid over She might tell somebody. I will accept severe vomiting, but then you have to die after that. And also, wait the fuck, magic exists? No one ever does it. Hold on, what the fuck? You found out not only does magic exist, but you also statutorily raped a kid.

And you're like, what? She's got to be vomiting out the fucking window with that. But none of that happens. No, no, this is the magic of the movie here is that cats and dogs. to like people. And they have like spies and stuff. That's the thing. I mean, that's the, Alec Baldwin, uh, saves this other dog from a bomb. He thinks he's, he thinks Lou is an agent, but he's not. And he then has to tell him and the audience the whole story of, that cats used to rule the world in Egypt. Yeah. Ancient Egypt's. My fucking God with this story. No, you see,

the people didn't do slavery. The cats did the slavery. Dog agenda, my friends. Yeah. So ancient Egypt was ruled by cats and the pyramids were to their later boxes. Old shit. Old shitty men don't fire people. Cats fire people, as we will see later. Oh, sure. That's right. In ancient Egypt, they, you know, the dogs rose up, man's best friend. Yeah. A new man was being treated badly. So they chased all the cats out of Egypt until they fell into the mouths of alligators. And then you put this precious world in the hands of a species that got conquered by fucking cats. Yeah.

Yeah. I think you're pretty stupid. And also at some point, I guess human beings just forgot that those cats were talking. Yeah. Yeah. I guess, well, were they ever privy to that? Do we know? Well, if they're ruling, if they're giving order, they'd probably be like, yo, dude, go build me a pyramid.

Yeah. I guess, yeah. And we thought they were gods. but luckily, society crumbled. So there's, of course, in a movie like this, we got a little team here. Of course. There's, what do we got?

Joey Pants. That's Pek. As Peek, and he's like the surveillance thing. This dog is the one that is a mostly a puppet throughout this movie. It is mostly a puppet, and it's like, it's kind of like a salacious crumb puppet. It looks disgusting. It does.

But I will say, I think Joey Pants comes out, clean on the other side of this. You know what? Because he's doing the voice. He's not, you would expect this Joey Pants is going to be Oh, come out of my fucking dog already. Take me a fucking bone. Yes. But no, he's just like, I don't know what's going on here, guys. And he's got to, he's doing a voice.

Which is too bad because I miss him. Yeah. It's a bummer, but I'll tell you what is weird though. When Joey Pants dials back the Joey Pantsness of his speech. Joey Shorts. God damn it, dude. Yes, Eric. Joey Shorts. Joey Briefs. You call me Joey Shores.

You know who Joey Short sounds exactly like? This is what I'm getting. He sounds exactly like Steve Buscemi. Yeah. And I kept, even though I knew I was, I had IMDB open. I was looking at the opening credits. I knew Joe Panteliano was voicing this fucking disgusting dog. I was like thinking time and again, oh, Bouchemi, even in my notes, I was like, blah, blah, blah.

Bouchemi. And I was like, nope. Steve Bouchemy is not in this fucking movie. Well, I mean, he didn't do it. It's a time order tradition. I mean, he's being told do a Bouchemi. And Zach Raff was told to do. do a Rogan on Obi-Wan Kenobi.

That's right. Could you actor do an impression of that other actor? He's really expensive. We're sorry. I think, but if you just, if you de-Jurzify Joe Panteliano, he sounds like New York City's Steve Boucher. Yeah. And I mean, he's like, the dog is like the hacker one. Yes.

And a very, and it's incredibly wasted Michael Clark Duncan. Oh, yes. Sam, the sheep dog or whatever. This dog never even has like a moment. No, not all. It's just dumb. The dog is the dog. The dog can't see Because he's one of those dogs With the hair over his eyes Yeah, sheep dog

Sheep dog So he's got the hair over his eyes He keeps bumping into stuff Right But that you don't mean Like in a movie You'd want the team to do something Sure

This is This is barely It's very barely Barely a movie It's mostly talking And and Lou bonding with the boy Yes

So Baldwin like Finds out That Lou does not have this training Sure It's not the dog that, you know, he thought was being sent. Freaking the fuck out, like, having to, like, talk to HQ or whatever. Like, this whole fucking dumb menin-black-esque spy thing they have.

We're going to have to put Lou down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Lou's going to go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The other, the dog he takes orders from this, like, I think they're called control. It's like a collie.

Oh, yes. This is a puppet always. It is always a puppet. They could have reused this for Isle of Dogs. Like it looks that, it looks that, like, fake. That control dog, I think, is somebody. And I don't know that I... No, I check out.

Oh, it's just a woman who's a voice actress, which is fine. So that's like, Lou is meeting the team and getting set up with his new world. We cut to this, like, fucking Zanadu-esque haunted mansion looking thing. And it's like, what is this movie doing? Here is our introduction to the cats. Sean Hayes as Mr. Tinkles. Fucking love it's in this movie as Calico, the, like, assistant cat here.

Another bright spot, I would say. But they're not letting it, you know, because, you know, I mean, it's sort of, it's gonna be hard to articulate, but like the, the Lovitz, Marm, you know, like that's when we do terrible John Lovitz impressions.

It's that. He's not doing that. He's not doing, he's not love it's like scared the whole movie. Yes. That's a weird thing. It's like, I think you do get like the flavor of a Lovitz performance,

but you don't get the humor or the jokes of it. It's just, you only get the style of talking and that's it. Because that's what all these fucking things are when you get celebrities to do voices. It's just like this empty fucking trash. Does he sound heroic? Yeah. Put Toby McGuire in that.

Oh, man. And there's this like horrendous maid character. So the whole thing is like Mr. Tinkles. Miriam Margolis, man. She rules. Huh? Miriam Margolis. Who is this person? She's the actress. She's been around from the stage and everything.

Oh, the stage. She's been around for forever. She's also the maid in Romeo plus Juliet. Yep. Yes. So, famous maid actor? She's a famous maid actor. I believe she's in those

Harry Potter movies as well. I think she's been in like a couple Peter Greenaway movies. Yeah, she's Dustin Hogwarts. No, no, no, I'm Dustin Hoffman,

not Dustin Hogwarts. So yeah, Mr. Tinkles is having this big fucking world domination meeting, blah, blah, and the joke is like, the maid opens the door and it's like, oh,

Mr. Tinkles, what are you doing here? All the cats fucking bamoose and whatnot. very hilarious, just top to bottom hilarious. And the idea is like she is like a smothering presence that likes to dress him up in like silly little outfits and he hates it and his name is Mr. Tingle. So that's these are all jokes

you should be like really just dying. And so the whole the whole thing here is the dog's mission, such as it is they need to protect Jeff Goldblum so he can finish this this allergy and meanwhile the cats want to destroy this idea

because if this happens dogs will become more popular than cats and I feel like this whole notion of a dog or dogs or cats becoming more popular than the other is a plot point and something else we have talked about at some point possibly and it was killing me last night

and we don't have to settle it right here but if anyone can remember there's something that we've covered somewhere across this vast family of shows Colin is that the plot of your movie Bob and Mary? The movie you were... No, the one movie you were in. Bob and Mary.

Babe, it's Tom and Jerry. Oh, that was it. I didn't read the check on the fridge. Huh. That's interesting. Weren't they old? So you did like a voice over an old cartoon? That was the movie?

Doesn't nobody care about those things, though? Why would you make a movie about nobody cared about? it. Hey, babe, I watched Barry and Tom or whatever it was. You know, not a lot of screen time there for Lil Rel Howrie. You should try to be more alive in your eyes. You look dead. You know, I was in under the skin, which really pushes the brownries of cinematic expression. Tom and Jerry

just pushes patience. You know what? You're in new frontiers anyway, honey. also the oat milk it's out so looks like someone needs to make a run to the store maybe you can write some of your little news jokes while you go

to the Seatown the faucet head is still dripping I'm gonna go film another movie with Noah Bomback but when I get home in a month let me know what's going on with the laundry if Martin Scorsese

calls do not call him back, just tell me what the message is. I saw a funny meme on the internet the other day, babe. It was someone saying when you tell a joke, it's like a ghost escaping your mouth. You know, I always just find so amazing. Lord Michaels has so much power and you're only in one and a half movies.

He has all that power and just, I find that funny, honey. It's pretty funny, babe. Like, I think you inspired Lauren to stop producing movies. He's finally given up. It's wonderful. This is the guy that has his name

on It's Pat the movie and he refuses to help you make your own. It's kind of incredible to break an icon spirit like that, babe. Also, the nanny needs to check a day earlier this week. I'm also,

kind of convinced that Colin Joe's is doing a weekend at Bernie's with Lauren Michaels at this point. What was the last time you saw that's a good question. Yeah, when was he talking? Oh, you know, well,

who knows when they filmed it actually? The most recent Lauren Michael's appearance I can clock is he's obviously featured quite heavily in the kids in the hall documentary. Oh, okay. Yeah. Are you sure he's moving his lips in that?

Yeah. You know, now that I think about it, it didn't sound like Dave Ford. Yeah, hung him out to dry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hung about to dry. Oh, anything to continue talking about cats and dogs. Sure.

But yeah, so, like, you know, that's their plan is they want to infiltrate the Brodies because they, using this formula for their own ends, will make dogs less pipe with the cats. But also, have you ever heard of anyone being allergic to dogs? I know cats. Oh, yeah. Who's allergic to dogs? Not me, but people are.

Okay, name one. Do you know anyone? one personally. I know maybe it exists. It's a fake thing by hypochondriacs like to talk about it. I've worked with people who have the allergy. Sure. What is their name? Wendy, Eric.

Are you going to track them down? Yeah, okay. What job was this? She was slinging double cheeseburgers and nuggets. Red hair, cute kid. She really liked chili. She really hung on to chili for some reason. Her dad,

Dave, hanging around there. Get that going on how they should have never got rid of the salad bar. They always get mad when you bring dogs into Wendy's, you're right? They'll start yelling up the storm. You're bringing dogs. A bunch of sneezing. So the thing is like, oh, we're going to, the cats want to get this formula, reverse engineer it, so

everyone's allergic to dogs instead of cats. That's correct. And so like they're going to send the ninja cats as sort of the next wave to fuck with these people. And the Ninja Cats for 2001 are spectacularly racist. Well, let's let's put it in a perspective a little bit.

Just two little years earlier, we had a big motion picture called Star Wars Episode 1, The Phantom Menace. I would argue there is just as much, if not more similarly themed racism. This movie is less racist than that movie. That's fair, yes. This isn't great. Don't get me wrong. They hit more than one, though.

They also get the Chinese later. They make sure they feel it. Oh, yeah, that's true. And the Russian's cute. Nobody cares. Exactly. No one's offended by that. Sean Hayes is sort of trying to do a Nazi thing here and there.

A little bit, yeah. It seems like it comes and goes. Yeah. I mean, I think on speaking of our once in a lifetime episode on baby nap. Oh, yeah. On that episode, you know, we were talking about the fucking horrendous performances in that movie. And I posited that the. director of that film was directing this one

actress the same way that Mary Heron directed Willem Defoe an American Psycho, which is to say, like, you have three different motivations, and then I'm going to cut it together, and it's going to be weird. I think Sean Hayes was like, I'm going to do four different voices. Oh, that makes sense. Throughout the whole thing, and then you're just going to

cut it together, and it's going to be fucking nonsense. See, sometimes I forget. There's people that's playing in a booth. Yeah. You know? Yep. No, Sean, we we love what you're doing, but we are not going to a keep in Zieg hair ball we're not going

to be doing that. That's a good I like that turn up in the graphic novel Mouse at any point it's Mouse is a little less cute than you'd expect

you can imagine I've read it it was a while ago I don't recall it being that cute no exactly it's not like cute cats getting

hair balls tubby aches the belly laughs are pretty minimum but they do I read it in high school or whatever, but they do do the cats versus

dog things because the American GIs are are dogs. Yes, and then I believe the poles are pigs if they're... Oh, okay. That's not going there. All right. You got two pigs in this. Okay. I guess you saw me. Anywho, the ninja cat come in and they're Bruce

Lee noising. I'll put that there. Yeah, sure. And it's Billy West and the voices. It's Billy West and somebody else. And the other person is also surprised. very white. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's not great. And we're fucking fighting, you know, these cats are fighting these dogs and whatnot. And you bet your sweet tits in this movie. There's a fucking dumbass

Matrix bullet time thing. This cat gun is. Bullet timing. And it looks better than everything in Revenge of the Sith. By law, you had to have that kind of series. Yeah, you just kind of did. It was released by a big fucking company you had to have. But it's just so funny because it's like some fucking eight year old watching this movie. movie. That was indeed six when the Matrix came out. That's got to be for the parents of the room. That's like, oh, I wish I was watching the Matrix. They all do that. Right? Like Shrek

does cultural references. It's all fucking annoying. I don't know what's worse. Maybe it was a better era when we were seeing airbud and cats and dogs versus Minion, Minion, Minion. And they're juicy asses. Stay tuned. Oh, yeah. See, like, this is like we're attempting. to blend this world with the human world. And soon enough, I feel like family films just abandon that all together.

And we're just doing the CGI cartoon people. Hey, babe, were you in minions? Oh, no, that made money. Okay, sorry. You were in a minion. I was telling my friend, Chris Evans, who's also incredibly successful, that you were in minions.

I got to call him back. Oh, yeah, and he was telling me that the ratings for us and I'll keep going down. Is that true? You know what, babe? You know what I'm going to do? Christmas is coming. up, I'm going to call Disney Plus

for you. I'm going to see if you can get a voice work on some baby show. But they fight and like I think at this point Lou proves himself to Butch, who is Alec Baldwin. Well no, this is he gets fucked, he gets fucked over here, right? Because he gets like, these cats throw this dog

into a garbage or like into the side of a garbage can, a bunch of garbage falls on this dog does eat shit quite a bit in this movie. He does. It's kind of hilarious. And so this is like, this was one of those things where they wake up in the middle of the night, the cat's fucking scram. And there's this poor dog covered

in banana peels and flour. I don't know what fucking banana bread was being made or something earlier that day. And then so Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins think that there's like an intruder or whatever. This is actually they're trying to do kind of a decent joke. It doesn't really stick the landing. But Jeff Goldblum instead of coming down

with a baseball bat comes out with a catcher's glove. Yes. And the whole thing there is they turn the lights on. And then it's like, oh, bad dog, Lou, no, that's a bad, get the fuck out of that. And they just fucking leave this dog in the yard, dude. Absolutely. Learn your fucking lesson, you little puck. You tiny beagle puppy.

God damn, dude. You got to take time off work. You can't be showing houses. This is a full-time job. It's a fucking commitment. Dude. And so, you know, they kick him out of the house. And so then Lou gets chewed out by Alec Baldwin's dog character here.

You're a dirty little pig. You're a stupid little pig Fucking disgusting pig Again, it's puppy Alex Puppy puppy Puppy You can call me from her mother's house

I mean There's a couple of pigs You're like a pole In an art speak open comic You little pig You little pig You just sat there And watched it all happened

And so you know He's like You know this is a serious job Blah blah blah blah And like fucking walks away From the dog or whatever this is where Lou, like, out in the alley, you know, questioning is very existence, runs into another actress voicing a dog who's totally wasted Susan Saran. I have no idea what she's doing in this movie.

She's the old fuck buddy of Butch. Well, I mean, it's before she became this nation's greatest criminal. Oh, God. We got to stop blaming Susan Saranity things, folks. It is the most fucking pathetic. You know what, Susan Sarandon's seat on the couch. Absolutely. We will talk about any fucking movie.

she is fantastic and we shouldn't blame her for anything you try to watch rocky try to watch her and rocky horror pictures show the movie and try not to get horny i fucking dare you i just love i'm i also i just love that everyone's mad at her like because a woman's not like how dare a woman have an opinion you know yeah yeah that really sticks to them it's also been fucking seven years and she voted for somebody else let's relax and like every time don't you know she's swayed the entire nation. Yes, because everyone gave his shit with Susan. So people are just walking around

waiting for Susan Sarandon to tell them who to vote for it. Well, you know, I was going to vote today, but I didn't get a chance to figure out who Susan Sarandon was voting for. And all those guys that quote tweet her and Duncan are just like, well, I want to know what Chris Sarandon is voting for.

That's what I support. And even Susan Sarandon replies, who the fuck cares what Chris Sarandon thinks? I love Christmas vacation. He's just It's wonderful in it. That's the other, that's not him. But she, this moment is very weird. She comes out, she's like this old, old sultry dog.

Ooh, yeah, Ivy. Well, yeah, well, she jacks him off, right? This is the weird part. Yep, yep. She starts rubbing his belly. He's like, whoa, what was that? She's like, that's just for being a good dog. And she slinks away and like, you think like, okay, it's petting.

Yeah. It's kind of weird. Intimate. But then later when like Alec Baldwin's like, you gave that dog a belly rub. You loved the belly rubs I gave you. So now you're,

you, the movie, are making it sex. I didn't make it sex. So now she's molesting this well six-month dog. Special agents have sex regardless of age. Well, I think it's kind of like,

oh, I don't know. Well, almost famous. Here's little Patrick Fuget. Neri had his D sucked in his life. Got it. Okay. You know, then all the Band-Aids help him out. That's right. The flower the enemy. That's then she grabs

him by both the biggle ears and says, you are home little doggy. Exactly. Got it. Come on Opie. Also, I mean once again this fucking family F plus in the dog ownership

department. You have fucking had this dog for like how many days now? Yeah. And you haven't rubbed its belly and it's sick fuck are you it's out there god knows where getting its balls drained yeah even if spay or new to your press knocking up the neighbor's chow or whatever that's yeah where's bob barker in this scenario oh yeah dude you know you wouldn't have to have all these dogs and cats being spies if you just knitter them all he used to always carry a scalpel with him just a case yeah he just grab a dog hey mr rex guess guess how

much that washing machine cost. If not, I'm going to nip your balls. I won't rest until every pair of animal testicles is obliterated. Oh, I'm sorry, Snuffles. You went $500

over on telling me how much this snowmobile costs. Oh, man. Snip. No more genitals for you. People don't know this. And this is real. He used to have a testicle necklace. You know, trophies. Yeah, he wore it all the time

in interviews. Little shriveled up dog nuts. All right, without going over, how many dog testicles do I have around my neck? Oh, shit. One. You want me to ruin lady dogs too? Okay. I got that. Let you can do

that. So there is a whole thing because he is, Jeff Goldblum is a shit-ass father in this movie. Oh, yeah, dog shit. But the kid, you see the kid. I mean, I wouldn't want to fucking support this kid either. I'd check out. Even if you boiled it down and see this dog strictly as office equipment. This is a terrible way to use office equipment.

Honey, I don't know how to say this without being mhm, ha, and delicate. See, I'm Jewish and our son is not at all, at all. A stork, he dropped him off. He dropped him off. It must have been just a magic thing that happened. He looks a lot like, um, ah, hoo, the mailman, ha, ha. he's certainly nothing like Jeff Goldblum

and it would be just like I would love a life of these parents to have some kind of consequence whether it's it doesn't have to be she's fucking the mailman no but like maybe she

there's a second marriage scenario or yeah sure or just even have a conversation yes just you know what was your day like well no it's only when they're getting like a family naped

that they seem to be doing something together as a family. Well, she tries, though. She's like, hey, motherfucker, this kid who you hate. He's got soccer tryouts today. You got to go to the tryouts. Yeah, cheer him on. Yeah, and he's like, oh, uh, soccer. Yeah,

I, uh, I'll be there. And then like, he misses it. Yeah, he's an absent minder professor type. You know, I mean, we're making fun of the way this kid looks and compared to Jeff Goldblum, but the truth of it is is what happened is Jeff Goldblum put this kid in a glass

of whole milk in the transporter together. Oh, I see. And then you know what? Classic mistake. He was there. He was having a cookie and he just left it in there by accident. You know, it just happens like that sometimes.

Brundle Kid. Oh shit, Brundle Kid. Milk baby. Milk baby is so much worse. Yeah, Brundle Kid's one thing, man. I don't know about that milk baby. You got to go for the horrific. Always the thing that makes your skin

want to jump off. You nail. it. But yeah, he misses the tryout. The kid, it's and I mean, this coach should lose this job because I mean like, it's fucking pee-wee soccer tryouts. The kid's like and the kid is shown to be terrible

and the mom's like, how did it go? And the kid's like, huh, he said girls tryouts are on Monday. I'm like I'm going to have a fucking talk with this dude. Yeah. I mean, also like, what is a fucking 10 year old trying out for a team for? Like, everybody gets on and if you suck shit, you ride that

fucking bench, dude. Yeah. not all teams. Someone didn't make the basketball team. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Big time. Oh, no way. You know, I was in Little League until they told me not to be anymore.

I quit Little League. I played basketball for one season. It was fucking horrible. Never went back to that. I would never do Little League. It's a fucking nest of bullies. No tank. Oh, yeah.

Little League. I played one season of basketball and never got the ball. Oh, that's, yeah. My Little League. league team actually won the whole thing. Wow. And then they were like, yeah, don't come back next year. Oh, wow. That's fucked up. Look, I'm going to tell you this straight. The T is doing most of the work.

Look, I'm just going to be square with you. There is a funny thing when they are having this argument about missing the soccer practice. They cut to the outside and the kid. This is like where the kid starts learning that, you know, Lou is just a fucking innocent animal. and he's not a loser and he can fucking learn to love him too and whatever. They cut to, it's the shot of like this kid outside with the ball and the dog's there. And you can see what is supposed to be Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins arguing in silhouette like through this window. And it is, do you guys notice this?

But clearly, clearly two different people. It's just stand-ins. There's just fucking stand-ins. That's incredible. Nothing like either of them. And like with Goldblum especially, you can tell you fucking see a silhouette. You're like, that is Jeff Goldblum's silhouette. Look at that fucking hulking, crazy, tall, weird,

Nosferatu silhouette. The budget's getting a little thin. How did that kid do it in Home Alone? Well, he had a Michael Jordan cardboard cut out. Okay, can you maybe cut a mouth and make it look like it's moving? Michael Jordan is arguing with Elizabeth Perkins. That'd be great. But whatever, like, so the movie moves on.

But, like, I think the next thing is basically the kid likes the dog. Now they're playing soccer inside the house. Yep. And dad, Jeff Gouldman, accidentally lives his lab open. Uh-oh. With just some Nickelodeon horseshit, all these files and nonsense. Yeah, full of Gak and goop. Yeah, totally, dude.

I fucking took one look at this room. I was like, are you about to tell me fucking snickers starting in a few minutes? Come on. All sides, you know, all liquids that are used and chemistry look like Gatorade. Yes. That's just how it's always been. we're not talking about the body horror which is weird every time Jeff Goldblum

thinks he has the formula he smells the dog and then like his nose gets really big oh I forgot about that it's gross it's a big disgusting flubber hives because he's trying this like anti-allergy formula on himself yes and yeah

one time is like fucking breaks out in a bunch of hives is disgusting it reminded me of Chris Elliott and Scary Movie 2 very gross it also kind of reminds me of Chris Mr. SVU Oh, Chris Maloney.

Chris Maloney in them fucking Harold and Kumar movies. He looks disgusting with warts all over his face and whatever in that. He looks like both of those guys. But then there is the other part where he's like,

ah, uh, my nose. And then it's just this disgusting fucking WC Fields alcoholic nose. Everything is saying back to formula but he's like,

I'm ready to begin human trials. Look, I have to lick this dog. I have to make sure he's okay. Dude, he definitely sniffs lose ass, like close enough right up to that dog's ass. Mm-huh. Yes, I'm the Goldblum Goblin. Mm-ha.

Goldblum-Goblin gutter. Back to a formula. Uh-huh. I don't think so. But he knocks it over. And I thought we were going to get a full-on Jeff Goldblum deep cover freak out here. Yep. Because they trash his office.

Fresh fish. Yes. What do you really starts? going at it, but like, and he's about to, he's like, it's a ruin. Oh, ha, ho, ha. And then he notices uh-oh, wow, wow, by doing that he solved the thing and he's

actually now, has the right formula. I'd be freaking out though because it's like, oh shit, my thing, the formula finally works. I have no idea with this fucking soccer ball knocked into what. Yeah. You can't reproduce it. You got to like analyze

it or do the, you know, the computers and make it all. You got to do the computers for one. Make it all beep and bloop and it'll be like, this is what it is. There needs to be beeping and blooping for sure. You need the bleeps and bloops. But you know what's worse is that when he writes the inevitably has to write the paper on finding this, he's definitely going to have to credit the soccer ball. In my findings, I have to thank loser the dog, this soccer ball that wasn't turned into a person. Tom Hanks didn't get near it. Do you think he would win in the Pulitzer Prize, or something the Nobel Prize, versus Michael Morbius

at his fake blood or which one of them? Oh, that's a tough. That is tough. Both are very helpful to people. I think Morbius would win, but then he wouldn't go up there so they'd give it to the runner up.

Oh, nice. That makes sense. Man, let's just all take a second to laugh about Morbius getting put back in theaters because fucking boomer executives at Sony have no fucking clue what sarcasm on the internet sounds like.

Stop showing them Twitter. Stop doing it. It is just, I saw that Stop printing Twitter out for your dad And also Like having just left the world Of film bookings and whatnot

Also proves that a lot of those dudes That just fucking book big chains And that are just old fucking clueless boomers Of course too Yeah you can come back in with Morbius whatever It did terrible the first time It's gotta do better This time

Like you need a fucking 35 year old person To be like no they're making fun of it Oh no no those people They're 35 years no they can't have positions of power or careers not in this world. Not with their $9 cups of coffee they can. Everybody, I mean, everybody's talking

about this movie, The Room. We got to get it back out in theaters. Biggest screen. I'm telling you, these kids cannot stop talking about it. Seventy-five shows at the Empire 25 something called the rum. We got to strike some 75-millimeter pritch of this sucker. I got, we

got to get this to the art houses, too. You know that fucking wezo creep would be trying to do a Q&A after every school. Oh yeah, he'd want to go to everyone. So that all happens. There's also a thing I think it happens before, but it doesn't matter. Yeah, like Elizabeth Perkins is driving home. She's a real estate agent

speaking real estate agents. And she, you know, is coming home in the middle of the day. She just sees a cat like laying in the street and it's just like, well, I fucking brought this dog home that I'm terrible, like, taking care of. Why don't I terribly take care of this cat? You just like bringing home strays in the middle of all this shit. Bizarre. Do you think that this the actor, the disgusting shit boy. He was inspired because

his movie mom was in real estate. Maybe I'll get into real estate. Oh, that could be. He must look at her and be like, well, that doesn't look humiliating. This is humiliating. I mean, she doesn't, might have some dignity. I mean, but I do kind of understand her taking this cat in because your husband, she is getting no dick.

Let's be very clear. This guy is not throwing it. Jeff Goldblum, though? He doesn't have it. He's always in the basement. Yeah. He has to look for it. But he doesn't, when he's talking to her, he's clearly on a different, he's in a different world.

Interesting. That's a real fucking shame. Yeah, I so imagine the two of them getting it on. Well, I'm sure at one point, whatever produced the shit boy was, no, male man, dude. Yeah, he got a letter in her slot. But they bring the cat home and he's a Russian spy and it's a big fun fight scene. This is, look, only the mild chuckle that I got because, A, it's disgusting. like what this this this cat's powers such as they are oh man it's it's hair balls that are

plastic bombs and other stuff spike balls yeah there's one that's like it fucking blows up and shoots a bunch of nails all over the room like Tommy lee jones from blown away fucking did these fucking bombs all the cats have like weird eastern voices oh dog aganda yes yes and also western there is the nail bomb there's also the fucking the ball that's just like contains dog shit oh that's right he's got dog shit in his mouth yeah yeah yeah I mean this cat swallowed dog shit I feel I swallowed dog shit when I saw this movie fuck this it's just so awful and you know they destroy the fucking house this is the only time this movie has like they're shrapnel everywhere the shrapnel everywhere but this movie gets really close to like what the kind of good jokes this movie could make which is they're trying

to defuse the bomb and uh joe pantiliano dog is like oh you gotta cut the red wire and alick bald one is like i'm fucking colorblind man and then you see a black and white thing and you can't he's like the dark dark gray one like that's close to the world in which this movie is sort of humorous you know what i mean but it's a dog telling him to cut the red wire but he's also wouldn't he also be colorblind i think pantaliano has line about in these things they always say cut the red wire. Yeah, they say

that. I remember that. Well, and all the, you know, movies and TV that those dogs are watching. Hey, that's something they say. Like, hello and good day. They all watch live wire. Dude, I wish. There is a funny part in this like scuffle with the Russian cat, though, where like

this huge like China hunch is about to fall over and Alec Baldwin dog is like stuck underneath it because he's tied up in a phone cord and it is just this dog trying to get its leg off with his phone card pretty funny. Not happy with it.

That's for sure. Yeah. And that's the thing too is like there's like men in black you point it that this world of like we'll clean up the whole house. I'm like well then there's no stakes to anything. Yep.

You know what I mean? It's like oh Baldwin's like get a cleanup crew in here. It's not even like steampunk. It's like cartoon science magic where like everything is perfect again. Yeah. And they're not even as curious about the world as they're in men in black. Like it'd be one thing if like the cat, it's literally just Lovitz and Hayes and then there's like a dinner scene.

But like that's literally it with the cats. Where's their headquarters? Why is like if it's a thing where it's like so, okay, if the dogs are like, you know, the spies bond kind of thing. Sure. Then this headquarters is like an MI6 or like the MIB headquarters kind of thing, right? The other side of that, you really need to amp up. if this cat is like a specter type thing. Yeah.

Which would make sense because, of course, you know, Blofeld with the cat. Sure. Instead of specter, they could call a cat turd. Yeah, you know.

Sure. Say whatever. Whatever they want to call. Oh, Thunderclaw, that's pretty good. But like, Thundercats.

Just do fucking any of that. Oh, then you're getting sued. Oh, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, set up that part of it too.

So it's not just like these two cats and then, yeah, a table full of others that you never hear from again. I think that they're trying to avoid, which, I mean, this movie's also very informed by Austin Power's comparison. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, you get too close to that? Because I mean,

that's what this movie's doing. Yes. I mean, a spy spoof in 2001, for sure. But I guess, like, going that far might be a fridge too far possible. What was the, what was the release date of that second AP? Was that 2000? Probably 99 if I want to try to guess. The first one was 97. Yeah. So 97, 99, and then maybe 2000. I think, yeah, I was still in high school when the third one came out and I was very disappointed by. I'll look this up, but do you guys think that any kids like tortured any cats

or dogs to try to find their secret world? Absolutely. Probably. Kids are stupid as fuck. This is definitely a subject we should deep dive into. Bayou Shagmi 99, gold member 2002. Okay. Oh, okay. So this 20 year anniversary. It's like a gold

member. The only funny part in a gold member is Danny DeVito playing mini-meat. He's grabbing his fucking dick and he's like, I'm bidding me. That's, and actually, I mean, Tom Cruise, doing the Austin Powers thing is kind of funny.

Sure. But the rest of that movie can fucking flush itself. Could be on this channel. That's right. Yes, stay tuned. So whatever. They wind up the cat intercepts the call that Jeff Goldman cracked the thing. So they're like, all right, now we have to abduct the family. They said,

I mean, like, Elizabeth Perkins gets a box of mail for her nine-year-old son. I can't believe it's for you. It looks like a mail bomb. Like, by the way. Like, you would be like, who's sending my son mail? Wouldn't you be like, I'm, I, the mother, I'm going to open this, investigate and move on.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, kids don't get mail, man. But her lover, the mailman. So that would be a federal offense to open it. Oh, fuck. That's right.

You don't want to, you want to disappoint Harold. Yeah. The father of your child. Is he going away again soon? Doesn't have some like, I mean, he's doing. good, right? So he's got to go away, like, for awards and stuff. Dawson. Science. Scientist conventions. I can, I, the mailman, can come over and make some other deliveries. Anyway, here's this package that's ticking.

It's got your kid's name on it. And he won a contest, which obviously he didn't enter, because he's a big soccer kid. And I guess it's kind of a joke. It's an exhibition game between Uruguay and Chad. Chad. Okay. And the kid's like, ape shit excited about it. Sure. And like, yeah, we do. have exhibition soccer matches in this country from, you know, like other country teams like national teams come over and play or whatever. That does happen. That's not a thing. But

we are not told like where this movie takes place. We have no idea what fucking arena and so it's just like this weird like I don't know, the kids sort of like soccer. Yeah, there's a soccer match that they go to. And it's also the thing where Jeff Goldman, because he's supposed to be like an absent minded professor type, like that

means he doesn't see with his eyes. So when they drive up to this thing which looks like he's about to get his COVID shot like he's like oh this is not creepy at all that this is absolutely like nobody is here at a stadium

parking lot and just like I'm going to I know I'm just going to start saying chili dog because that's funny. Chili dog chili dog, chili dog. Dude and it's a weird thing where like in that moment because it's a very gold bloom type thing that he's doing right there. I was like man he fucking hated making

this. This is the best that he can go bloom out to is saying chili dog. It's disgusting. They get gassed and meanwhile the cat, this decrepit old fucking Mason-Virger motherfucker. I think his name is Mr. Mason, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Cardale, bring me my cat. Speaking of pigs. But this guy doesn't speak at all and I guess he's just dead and they're puppeting a corpice. Well, speaking a weekend of Bernie's team. I mean, that's, yeah. I mean, that's, yeah. And it's a funny gag where Sean Hayes is speaking for the guy kind of a thing. Yeah, well, that's a weird thing that this movie introduces way too late in the game

that when animals can speak and human beings can hear them. Yes, exactly. Because it's always the question. Is John R. Bucklefuck and listen to what? Yeah. Right. Yeah, exactly. Going crazy.

And it's way too late in the game before you realize, like, oh, humans can hear these animals All right. So you imagine John Arbuckle today, like a cartoonist with a cat, just living alone in a giant house. He is a mod on Reddit. Isn't that Scott Adams, the Dilbert guy?

Oh, yes. That's fair. It is. Delusional fuck talking to bullshit. And writing like weird science fiction books about how men should take over everything. Oh, really? Yeah.

We'll be picking that up at the airport. I'm kidding. They would never put that in a real book. The airport. The airport in hell, maybe. That screams self-published on Amazon if I ever heard it. Scott Adams. Really, that guy is so pathetic, man. He sucks. That's really bad. It's very sad. But I hope a dog bites. We got to cover the, we got to cover the Deilbert cartoon on AD. Oh, yes. Big Daniel Stern there. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That's a lock. I watched one episode, never again. Is that right? Let's go back for a second.

Yeah, I was like, I'm never going back here. I literally can cannot stand Dilbert. And I was just like, no. All right. I've never once found it funny. And I had some relatives that were big into it. Shock of all shocks. But like, they would fucking show me like hilarious calendar things that they had

at Dilbert or like, you know, oh, here's the thing from the funnies just let here's a good Dilbert. You would get a look at this Dilbert. I was like, I was born in 1984. It's fucking impossible for me to care about this shit. What is wrong with you? Showing me Dilbert. What are those jokes?

They're just like, oh, man, I'm at the office. You know what it is? You know what it is? It's fucking pathetic boomer office space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't the fax machine annoying? See, and we spice it up here on the program, folks. Instead, we talk about the office potlucks being full of, you know, you know, yeah, yeah.

You know what. Dilbert, Dilbert ate a lot of cum in his day. A lot of toys and cum. He's a cum pig, absolutely. Somebody say pigs. They, whatever, they take over this factory. Sean Hayes hilariously fires everyone in the factory. So this Mr. Mason owns a Christmas tree flocking factory.

So they just spray it with fake snow. That's what it is. That is a business. That's surprising that that's a business. Well, I don't know if it's like a thing that, you know, you could build an entire factory out of only doing that. I'm sure there's like, you know, like the Christmas tree store, those fucking unhinged

shopping outlets, you know? Yeah, plus we got some kids in the basement, you know, making some fucking sweaters. Making some Santa's string. Yeah, string factories aren't that big. Mouse hunts also lies. That's true.

But yeah, so the whole, yeah, they wheel the dude in and yeah, Sean Hayes is sitting on the guy's lap. It's a motorized wheelchair, so they got that covered and this dude just like rolls into his factory and they're all like, oh my God, Mr. Mason's here. Oh, oh, oh. And he goes up to the office and yes. Like Steve

said, the cat gets on the intercom and it's just like, you're all fired. The assistant asks if he needs anything. He said sushi and a quart of cream. Oh, man. Yeah. I will not do that, sir. You must fire me. I am not going to get you that.

That's disgusting. If you want a thing of cream and some sushi, that means two stops. I'm not doing that. I'm almost certain you're going to combine them. And that's the real fear here. Milky sushi. Just some milk baby, milk sushi.

Milkie, milky fish, that's probably, you know, a specialty in the UK. We're probably insulting someone right now or Norway, who the fuck knows. Well, you get like a like a coconut milk curry, you know. That's something. That's something, yeah. But a cold milk, the fish. Yeah, no, definitely not happening. Whatever. So, yeah,

they take it over. And I guess because they are going to use the plan is disgusting as it is. Sure. They are going to put the antidote that they are like mass producing somehow. Doesn't matter. It's the movie Cats

and Dogs. They're going to put it into these fucking flocking guns and spray an army of mice and then let that army of mice out on society at large and poison everybody. Make everyone allergic to dogs. Oh, so this is the Nazi version of mouse again. It is. They're going to get

everywhere. It's also a little bit of the scarecrow's plan and Batman begins. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, yes, and they, whatever, they, they, they sent a video to Lou that we've kidnapped the Brodies and the only way to get them back is you have to give us the, the, the research or we'll kill them all. Should have teamed up with the sharks, right? They hate brodies. Oh, say, I'd love your works.

Messing with the brodies, huh? I could get into that action. There's still more. There's always more brodies to nash on. I'm Jaws, the shark. Oh, you never ate a fresh brodie. Oh, brother. Let me tell you.

These brodies keep fucking. I'm never going to be out of a job. Me, Jaws. Next time, I'm going to cut you off a nice piece of a brodie. and you're going to get to gnaw down on that. You're going to love it. All you're going to need is one piece and then you're going to be hooked on the stuff I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, you should eat people. I didn't eat the Kittridge boy. A buddy of mine did. I can't speak from Kittredge. I don't know. That was a tiger shark, I believe. No, I only eat the Brodies. Just the Brodies.

So that guy that took Quint out? No, no, no, no. But that kid of theirs, Mmm. Good sequel, I have to hold back. I can't eat them all now because I need them to breed. So to make more Brodies.

Yes. Yeah. It's your factory farming Brodies. I almost made one public exception. That Mario Van Peebles character. What a terrible accent. I love the conservation element. Oh, not too.

We got to pull back the little, dude. I got to think ahead. They got to repopulate. Got a lot of time on this earth. but so there's a very long sequence in which they finally see the dog HQ this is a very boss baby by the way very boss baby HQ is this was where I got the most men in black vibes too yes exactly yeah because there's just a ton of like it's a huge facility people are people animals I guess in this case are walking around doing various jobs and shit and

something something there's the congress of dogs and they have to vote whether or not they want to let the Brodies die or they want to save them and for all dog kind and everyone votes. Oh, right. And there's a funniest joke when like the dogs aren't paying attention. Then Charlton Heston dog opens a can of dog food. That's pretty funny. Like that's sort of

again, like these are, that's the realm in which this movie is mildly amusing. I believe we go against type for a second where the German shepherd wants to save the family. And he's not, is he speaking German? It's got an accent. It's a German accent. Well, there's

I wanted to point it out the fucking Sean Hayes cat when he fires everybody over the PA in the factory the last, like the sign-off thing as he just goes you know, it's like something

something and that cats are all! And like he fucking kind of puts his hand on and it's a little bit of a fucking H-H there man. Later on the movie he's got a big red and black what do you call their banner that says tinkles on it. Oh right because they're kind of doing

like a weird citizen cane thing. Like whatever fucking speech he's making at some point. Dude, you know, like by the time we got to this part of the movie, oh boy, I was on the floor, smack in the ground, looking up at the TV here and there. I was similar because I had a lot of notes in the beginning and the notes got real sparse. Oh, yeah.

They sure did, didn't they? Well, you got a fucking so stupid joke here where like, so they vote to the dog council votes to sacrifice the family. And you cut to a television. And it is a picture of a wolf with like a Photoshop microphone in its paw. And it's Wolf Blitzer for K-9 News. I would rather walk into the ocean than watch this again. Which is also weird that they didn't get Wolf Blitzer to do it.

You know what I mean? Because that would be the joke, right? He sounds exactly like Wolf Blitzer. He's just called Wolf Blitzer. It's just some guy not even doing Wolf Blitzer impression. Just like, I'm Wolf Blitzer. It's more of a newscaster, a Wolf Blitzer, K-N-N-N-News. Like, that's, that's the joke, right?

Next is Labrador Maddow. Well, you know, it's 2001. I mean, how big was Wolf Blitzer? Yeah, not very. He was just coming up. He was a hot star at that point. He's just coming up. He was a hot little piece ass.

Remember that mission impossibly where it stops dead so Wolf Blitzer can be in it? Yeah, that kind of sucks. Yeah, Tom was a great guy to hang out with. Hi, I'm Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer does have that kind of beard where it's so short that you're like Why are you bothering? It just looks like you didn't shave.

It's a twice a day buzzed, dude. Shaving's a pain in the fucking ass, so I feel them. Right? Yeah. Right? You want to shave every morning? No, I'm just going to say, I'm saying if you're going to have a beard,

let it grow into be a beard. It just looks like he is permanent 5 o'clock shadow a lot of the time. No, yeah, for sure. But I bet the ladies love it. Oh, yeah, dude. Wolf Blitzer, fucking singles night. Forget about it. He lights

a match off his face. Hell yeah, dude. L.L. Wolf B, dude. Why do you suck these wolf bees? I shampoo and condition the beard. Yeah. That's how it gets soft like that. That's smart. We do get a little bit of a backstory about this Alec Baldwin dog where it's like

he, you know, had a little boy too and then like the kid went off to college. this part of the movie I was like I did that to my dogs and felt horrible for like half a second and I was like dial it back motherfucker you're watching cats and dogs it does not matter don't let them get to you

dude no definitely I pulled up dude I was so fucking happy about it it was like fucking Tom Cruise pulling up in Maverick oh I got over the fucking mountain yeah your face is going all over the place totally but I didn't cry cats and dogs I mean this is an impossible mission is to watch this fucking movie

and apparently only we could do it so whatever Lou the dog steals all the research to save the family because the dog council votes to let them die and you know we're not going to talk about how ridiculous it is that he got all that shit out of the basement but he's going to meet the cats on the docks

and Alec Baldwin shows up not in the nick of time and this dog has indeed been beaten up once again he finds him under a pile of rope that's what I hate about this show me this dog getting beat eaten and show me his shit being taken. Well, dude, it's not like it's a fucking Dennis Quaid movie,

okay? Like, we're not showing dogs. Well, also, but they also showed you when they did like the fucking kill bill fight and the house. Well, what if we did? What if they did an Eastern Promises dog fight here? You know, a dog. Red Rockets in here. Exactly.

The dogs coming back from a soccer game and why is it so steamy in here? That would be something. Just a fucking Russian bath house, but just two dogs fucking fight and one of them's fucking dog is hanging out.

That's why you're a puppy die inside you. Oh man. Uncle whatever dude in that movie, that guy is no help at any time. Love him. Jersey Scolamasky. That's right. That's right. Played by the great Jersey Scalovansky. But so now it's the end of the movie and the people are tied

up in a room and the dog team is going to save him. Sure. Yeah, that's what's happening. That's pretty much what we're doing this thing. The funny thing is this thing that's like going to spray a bunch of people. It kind of reminded me the end of Roger Rabbit. Yes, yeah, exactly.

The dip launcher or whatever. Yeah, the dip gun, for sure. And, you know, whatever. So Alec Baldwin Dog and Lou the dog here break in a big fucking dumb fight. A bunch of these, you know, there's some cats that are trying to fight. They're expelled immediately. And whatever. The last thing is like when it looks like all is lost,

And Alec Baldwin dog is going to eat shit. Lou the dog takes control of this fucking gun and sprays the flocking shit all over this cat. And it looks like when Tom Green jerked off the elephant and Freddie got fingered. Yep. And Rip Torn got hit with all the cum. This dog, this cat getting hit with all the flocking chemicals.

It just looks like a massive load blasting this thing against a window. Yep. That's right. an elephant-sized, yeah, cum blast. It's what it is. It's truly disgusting. I would rather watch Michael Vicks' cats in this fucking movie, man. Oh, dude, this is a short movie, man. That's the thing is, thank God the runtime is, you know. It's a short, loud film. Yeah, you can't buy that over the counter either. It is very loud. It is very loud. You fucking asked to rent that, dude, you are put on a list immediately. That's the other part of it.

It would be really cool if he managed to get them into rental stores. imagine if Michael Vick redeemed his image so much he could call the puppy bowl probably not that would be a funny turn you know redemption I know that I want to say

by the way after he did his time sure yeah I want to say he did start some like animal rescue charity thing that also did dog fighting and then I think that is the headline

that's going to come around in like another 10 years like oops he did it again I mean, you see those two dogs. I mean, they're just beautiful. You ever wonder, like, what would be if they fought? Michael?

Michael? One time, one time I had Marty at the dog run, and there was some skeezy fucker in there that I hadn't seen before. And he had some gnarly-looking dog with him. And this guy comes up to me really early in the morning. And he's just like, yo, bro, you roll that dog? What?

And I'm like, and I was like, up a hill? Pardon me? No, the dog is. to take ecstasy. And he's like, yeah, bro, you roll that dog. I was like, sir, I don't know what that means. Yeah. And he goes, come on, bro, you know, you roll that dog. You get that dog in the fights? What? And I was like, no, I don't have my dog in the fights. Jeez. And I fucking put the leash on Marty and we left that dog park, dude. That is an amazing. Dude, you should have like become an undercover agent. Like, yes, I do. Why don't you let me know where that is?

Yeah, you talk. Oh, man, missed opportunity. Well, then you're starting to be cut by the dog fighting mafia. Yeah, they call me roller coaster, man. I'm always doing it. I'm always, yeah. Where's this happening? I got a new dog every week, man. Amaros Peros would be like, what a fucking good idea, man. That's where it's at. My favorite comedy, Amoros Peros.

So, yeah, whatever. The day is saved. The family is saved. The fucking factory blow. up. This dog eats shit again, though. Yeah. Llew. It's incredible. This dog is in a fucking factory explosion. And then they're just like, oh, fuck, this dog is dead. And it's like the family

outside. And then you see Butch, the Alec Baldwin dog, like, drag out this poor bastard puppy who's just been knocked senseless once again. This dog is unconscious. Yeah. As once you got the picture of Alec Baldwin dog

pulling him out, the dog's okay. Don't give me this two minutes of, breathe, damn you, breathe. Because it's like now we're doing the big emotional swelling music because the kid is so bonded with the dog. I miss you so much. You're not a loser. You're not a loser. I'm sorry I called you a piece of shit.

You're not a loser. You're my best friend. I'm sorry, I threatened to roll you in the park. I almost went with that strange man. We see all these mice get arrested as well. I don't know what... Because the mice are, like, going to spread, which is he said,

I don't know what facility these mice are going. I'll tell you, dude. I will tell you what facility these mice are garbage. You can read about it in mouse. Yeah. For Christ's sake, Jesus. Well, that's the thing, too, is like, we always pretend, like, that, you know,

and cats do, you know, are looking for mice, you know, that, et cetera, they're predators in that way. Right. A dog isn't going to be like, ooh, a mouse, my best friend. A dog will fucking tear a mouse to shreds. And that's what they're doing. The dogs are taking them into custody. I don't know what happens after that. Can I tell you this, Steve? I think for the most part, you are 100% correct.

But I can tell you from personal experience in our last department, we had a fucking mouse problem for a while. One of the many reasons I am so glad to not be living in that building anymore. I killed more mice in that, that. Bear hands? No. Grab it. You grab it and go crash. You get the sticky pad. Right. Yeah, yeah. Then you, yeah. you put a thing over it, and then you fucking bam. Right. You bash them to the dead.

Point being, what I'm getting at here is there was one time, and they're mice, so you'd see them a lot at night and everything. Watching TV late at night, me and Marty just hanging out, watching TV, little fucking mouse like scutters across. And I'm like, oh, fuck me, here's another one. And I look toward the dog,

because I'm like, well, she'll do so. This dog sees the mouse, scuttle across, looks at me like, and what are you going? going to do it back. I was like, you're the fucking dog here, man. Figure it the fuck out. She did not even get off the couch. It was like, good luck

fatso. You can't bash that thing's brains in the morning. Do you see me me meowing? Excuse me. Totally. Father, do you see me me meowing? I don't know what you want me to do here. It was great. But yeah, so Lou the dog is alive. Yay. That's fucking great. Awesome.

He would be dead by now, though, right? All these dogs are dead. Oh, yes. In the sequel, a little casting change, FYI. No, no. Alec Baldwin did not because the sequel's a theatrical

this movie got a theatrically released sequel in 2010, which is nuts. It also got a fucking streaming sequel in 2020, 2020. Isn't it a thing we're like only about every 10? This is like the before movies. Yes. Like only every 10 years we get a dog

cats and dogs. The Revenge of Kitty Galore, theoretically released. Butch, Alec Baldwin's character replaced by one Nick Nolte. Oh, my. Trade up. And then Lou Dog

is now older and he's replaced by Neil Patrick Harris. Oh, okay. That's kind of nice. You gotta kill those cats! Get the fucking cat! Got the fucking cats all the time! Well, that's an idea for us to revisit this

franchise. Oh, no. Please know. Honestly, I'm a little low energy because I want to put a fucking gun in my mouth. Honestly, I think this is the worst movie we've ever done. This is a new thing. It's the first time he said that. Because I remember saying that about ultraviolet, for instance.

Sure. I know what I would give for an ultraviolet today. A little bit of the old ultraviolet instead of this movie. Yes. And then whatever. Like, Lou decides he's not going to continue on the force because they would transfer him and he wants to stay with the kid

and yada yada. Mr. Tinkles is now with a bunch of maids. It has to wear a bunch of outfits which it does not like. By the way, when your dog runs away or whatever it didn't really die or run away it was transferred to another agency or

investigation. Just remember that kids. It's not rotting behind a dumpster somewhere. It's definitely it's actually rotting behind a dumpster somewhere but let's say he got transferred

to some other family for an important case yeah you got transferred to another agency upstate and let us be clear it's always a dumpster yes

that's like any dumpster in America just got an animal corpse at least a few yeah so Steve since it's kitty galore is like getting the sequel here does that mean tinkles

not in the movie I looked it up Sean Hayes Desert Prize but I think he's probably a lesser villain but also Wallace Sean takes over for John Lovett as this Calico character

for no reason. Probably has a bigger role too. Yeah, that's unfortunate and kitty galore like pussy galore Yeah, I believe it's a bet Midler. Why, why even, you don't even have to change the name. They should have just done it. They got Sean Hayes doing Mr. Tinkle's like

Brian Cox doing fucking Hannibal Lecter and Man Hunter. Just the one scene. Oh, I like that. In the Little room. Yep. That would be kind of great. It calls him on vacation with his family. Your hands are rough, butch. Like you live on a dock. Are you all up on your shots? That is a, that's a flea repellent that has a ship on the bottle, doesn't it?

He does a pretty great Hannibal Lecter in that movie. It's a great movie. Stay tuned, by the way, on the WLM. Oh, yeah. And then the end of the end. of it, whatever. The last like fun joke is this Mr. Tinkles goes to live with the maid who lives with her three sisters.

Who are also maids. You know, one of these maids, anybody spot it? Keene Seinfeld guest eye. Oh yeah. Carol Ann Sousie, the woman who's the daughter of the unemployment agency lady. Oh, thanks a lot, George. I can't remember the last time I ate

at McDonald's. And she's on IMDB, which is so fucked up with the cast listing. She's listed before, Toby McIre and Alec Baldwin because they're so fucking terrible on that site. I hate how when you have movies like this where it's live action

and animation, all the voice stuff no matter the the, you know, the level of the character. Yeah, like it will always be dumped at the bottom of it. Fucking sucks. Speaking of fucking sucks, we'll start with Eric. Would you recommend this? It fucking sucks.

My fucking God, this fucking sucks. I couldn't stand it honestly. Like I said, I think this is one of the worst ones we've ever done. I would never recommend it. I would, you, there's so many, watch anything else. Watch Michael Vicks movies. Watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Watch that. Watch baby nap coming soon to our lifetime podcast. Absolutely. Also bad, but this is just a new nadir of terrible. For me, that is my two cents. There you go. Chris Cabin. Oh yeah. You can't watch this. You can't be doing that to yourself. I mean,

what I hate, these movies, like, this is one those things where, like, it feels like they wanted to see if they could pull off the dog mouth shit and, like, the dog action shit and, like, and like, it really just feels like a test reel for VFX, like, yes. And they're just like,

hey, maybe it'll make money. And then this America was like 93 million directly to you, sir. Yep. So, yeah, it haunts me these kind of movies. No. Steve? I would not. Big cat. I also like dogs too and I'm a

fan of dumb cute animals doing dumb cute shit. But the it just, it's so CGIed and so like overload with the fucking spy tropes and the stupidity of it all. Yeah. That's true. At least Milo and Otis they'd skin in the game.

That's true. Homeward bound. I mean, it's a cute dog scampering around doing cute shit. I can get into that movie. I can't get into this. No, thank you. No. Yeah, this is trash. I, you know, this came out when we were working at the multiplex. I had no fucking memory of seeing a second of it. I was so shocked about it. I have to say, like, you know, we're into this whole fucking COVID thing for fucking so many years now. And between like isolation and people getting sick and the mass death that we're not acknowledging in any appropriate way, all of this, there's a lot that we have to be doing to take

care of ourselves out there, looking out for one another and looking out for ourselves mentally and everything, do yourself a favor and do not watch this fucking movie because it'll make it all worse. It's self-harm. It is. It's absolute self-harm. It's fucking total trash and that is the end of it. That is

Dogs and Cats directed by Lawrence Gooderman 2001. If you want more, we hate movies where we're not talking about Cats and Dogs, there is a fucking bevy of content over on Patreon.com slash we hate Oh my God. We got an episode on Jurassic Park, the original OG. Oh, yeah. good one, the one good one

on We Love Movies this month. One out of six ain't bad, I guess. As Eric brought up, we're going to be doing once in a lifetime again. There's going to be baby napped. That's right. Baby naped, which is about a what was that about again? A. Baby gets kidnapped. Kidnapped. A.k.a.

What was it? Born and missing. Born and missing. From 2017. Yeah. You could, that's one you could also just listen to us on. Yeah. But if you want to check it out, check it out. that we also have who we got in the Gleap Gloucery this month. Well, we got Luxor Droids.

The Stormtrooper who has a very huge backstory we will get to. That's incredible. Speaking of Star Wars, we're doing every we're doing recaps of every episode of Kenobi, which we're liking thus far, stunningly, so far pretty good. It's not that fucking dog

shit Boba Fet show, so that works out. We got that going for us. We got a new Melro coming out. Melro 2 and O, of course, where this month on the program, man, the end of the Keith saga in glorious fashion. It's actually, I know it's out perfectly it's the end of the Keith saga and the end of the

Emily Valentine saga as well. That's right. Well, only one of those characters is able to come back in later seasons. Find out which one on Melrode 210. So all that and a ton of other shit. Speaking of fucking cats and dogs, a talking catmintry is out.

Hear my mind melt while I watch that for the first time live on the air. There's a bunch of shit, man. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And here on the main feed, the show will of course continue new episodes every Tuesday, Steve, what are we flogging ourselves with next week? I'm going to say we're going to keep it family friendly next week, but I guarantee you, I don't know, we haven't recorded this, obviously we usually go in order. I'm going to guess it's going to be one of the more filthier episodes we ever do. Oh, it's despicable me. The minions are coming to town. So this is where

their birth, like the Steve Correll Gargamel starts pooping them out. Yeah, little corns. we're tied into your minions, your bad t-shirt at the beach. Absolutely. So until next week, where minions are in bikinis or some shit, I don't know. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin.

Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.