We Hate Movies - S12 Ep627: Under Siege (Live in Charlotte)

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

Recorded live at the Comedy Zone, November 18, 2021, in Charlotte, NC Still grilling on the beach and pounding margaritas on vacation, this week the guys are releasing their outrageous live episode on the total Dadfernoon classic, Under Siege! How fabulous is Gary Busey's drag routine? Why is this captain insisting on having a surprise party? And did Poppy Bush's re-election campaign strategically get him that cameo at the beginning of the film? PLUS: What if Gary Busey auditioned for Han Solo!?!  Under Siege stars Steven Seagal, Gary Busey, Tommy Lee Jones, Erika Eleniak, Damian Chapa, Troy Evans, Patrick O'Neal, Glenn Morshower, Bernie Casey, Raymond Cruz, and Lee Hinton as. Cue Ball; directed by Andrew Davis. Check out the WHM Merch Store -- featuring new MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna?, Mortal Kombat & Bean Dinner designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

POMAYOR. VIII. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. ...heel... ...whi... ...their...

...you... ...not... ...the... ...and... ...the ...the... ...the... You know, I really wish that we had Steven Segal on vacation with us to cook for us like Casey Ryback does, because the barbecue around here, this vacation has been quite abhorrent. Would you like some sticks, motherfucker?

I don't have all the time of the world to cook for you, fat fucks. that's too much cooking oh man that is that is a great impression and I love whenever Chris Gavin graces us with it including when he

whipped it out a lot at the comedy zone in Charlotte North Carolina earlier this year where we were indeed talking under seas which is what you're about to listen to yeah we we flew in from Hawaii

to talk about it I'm going to be making some conch I'm going to be making some Mahi mahi mahi That's what we're going to be making from you, fellas. Oh, my God. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that Casey Rybeck would cook for you is nearly as good as the savings on patreon.com slash we hate movies, where you can get over 550 hours of in-studio content from the We Hate Movies Boys. Ladies and gentlemen, you cannot afford not to get this stuff.

There's a brand new we love movies episode on Robocop. That's right. Those Patreon offerings don't stop in August just because there's live episodes on the show. the main feed. We've got bonus shows. We got Melro. We got Gleek Glossary. We got it all. We got a new episode of Once in a Lifetime.

That's right. With the return of Eric Roberts, not as Dr. Beck, unfortunately. The movie is the wrong roommate, and he is somehow not the roommate that would be wrong. I think his name is Floyd, which is just

fantastic. His name is Floyd. And he's a professor. of art, and you're going to love that episode, especially if you love scorpion paintings. Oh, my God, I'm selling my scorpion paintings on the TV, and there's no crummy crumbies involved. Let me ask you something. How did you not get me into under siege, Dan? I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be in the crew. Usually Tommy Lee Jones passes, and I get the scraps. This time, he didn't pass. he's got a hit he's got a hit finder he does that nose of his he's got it shit man i don't know eric roberts and under siege that would be pretty fucking cool

absolutely yeah and as fine as i think he is in part two how about him instead of eric bogusian let's swap out absolutely or swap out erics i should say yeah eric swap i like the sound of that pass me around like a party favor absolutely dude which is what we were doing in Charlotte, North Carolina when we were there earlier this year talking under siege live at the comedy zone, which we present to you right now. Enjoy. Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Charlotte, North Carolina, what is happening? Hi, everybody. How are you? How are you all doing? Did anyone here fly in from Hawaii today? I'm sorry, I can't do the podcast. I'm just a lowly cook.

How could I do it? He kind of gets off on it in this movie a little bit. He's like kind of a pain pig. Like, oh, I'm just a little cook. Oh, don't mind me. Oh, I'm just a little cook. Ooh, I couldn't do anything. He's actually a special forces podcast.

They don't even know that I was the one who first tried to kill Noriega. Oh, my goodness, Charlotte. How are you doing this fine evening? Charlotte, the home of Jodacy and Billy Graham. Quite a, quite a partnership there. Solid one-two-punch personalities there, if you ask me. And one day will be the final resting place of Mugsy Bokes. I'm sure he's going to be great.

One day, a long time. What the fuck's about it with you? long time from now. Jesus Christ. Well, we are so excited to finally be doing this show. Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you all, of course, for doing your part this

evening and getting fucking vaccinated. We very much appreciate that as well. It's great to be back on the road again. We're going to see what the hell happens. Let's give it a shot. You ready? Sure. Here we go. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Stephen Sadek. And we are We Hey Movies from New York City. How y'all do in

evening. All righty, Roo. Now, quick question, a quick cue for the room here. Just in case anyone was sort of blindfolded into coming here, you're on a really bad first date. It's about to get a whole lot worse.

Happens a lot. Real quick cue. How many folks are familiar with the show we run on the internet? All right. Thank you. So if you're one of those poor unfortunate souls that does not know what you're in for, we're a comedy pod. where we take a movie or a television show

or whatever the hell we feel like doing and kind of just make fun of it for a little bit. So the motion picture and question this evening is Underseege from the Year of Art Lord 1992, directed by Andrew Davis who I think this guy, his filmography if you look at it, he's like patient zero for the dead for noon genre.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's take a look at this shit. You ready for this, Davis? Code of Silence, so it's a Chuck Norris movie right out of the game. Above the Law, his first outing with Steven Seagal. Someone, where's your above the law tattoo? freaked out about that.

Fuck yeah! As we got the package. Gene Hackman and Tommy Lee Jones. Quite a dad for them. Pan Greer, John Hurd, and Dennis Franz. That's a cast to beat the band. It is the package. You need at least three kids to watch any of those movies.

Three, not two. Then you got this, under siege, right? And then, this is the mother of them all, ladies and gentlemen. The fugitive. The king. Okay. Chain reaction with Keanu Reeves, where he outruns like a shockwave on a motorcycle or something?

Yeah, something like that. We'll loop back to that one in a little while. Collateral with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Collateral damage, not collateral. Collateral damage, excuse me, yeah, you're right. I'm going to hire you to be my cab driver. Yeah, you're going to drive me around. I'm going to go around breaking next.

What are you doing? What's that wolf doing in the road? Drive around it! You know, I won't say better movie, but I will say interesting motion picture. I do like how our lives have taken a turn where we get applauded for talking, for just saying the fugitive. Like we made it?

It's like a little movie called The Fugitive. Wait, wait. You don't do that like in public? No. If anybody says the fugitive, I'm just like, yeah. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, you know it. Oh, and then the other one that nobody saw was The Guardian.

Remember that with Costner and Coocher? Also, I've seen it. It's a dad for Nooner, for sure. Oh, of course. It's an action movie movie. revolving around the Coast Guard. And Kevin Costner. Coast Guard's school, I think.

What are they fighting in that? Like, seals? Yeah, well, they're fighting the ocean, Eric, is what they're doing mostly. It's fighting the ocean. Some mighty beast to slay. It's quite hard. Better movie, it's under siege.

And instead of, you know, Casey Ryback being a cook that is actually a Navy SEAL, it's actually a seal. It's kind of like chicken boo. He's just like a seal in a little chef's outfit? Oh, so you've never seen Andre. That's what the... Oh, is that how that guy?

Is he cooking for people in that movie? Really? No. And I would like that without the blue cheese on it. He's saying you can't order off the menu. He said scrambled. These are over easy. God damn.

How many of you all saw this movie either before or anticipation of this fine show this evening? All right. I'm going to say it right now. This is a pretty good movie, but I far prefer the remake. which is what oh the Captain Phillips I think Tom Hanks just has a handle on the role more I think he just knows

what to do with it but actually if you flip that around though and then it was Segal in like the terrorist role right you could be I'm the captain now that's pretty good someone should like knock those cargo pilots no drivers ship

captain captain yes I just watch send your siege knock him down a pick but now I realize that is the plot of Captain Phillips so he gets knocked down a pegger too as a matter of that. This was a remake of the movie Die Hard if anyone's ever seen that film because this movie certainly

has original title for this movie Boat Hard. Well, originally it was Parrish Difficult. Well, Boat Hard they couldn't use because that was already a previously titled pornographic. Oh, of course. Boat and Hard. She's actually very good. Oh, is it good? Yeah. Check it out. So recommend.

Start a Carl Hungus. Pardon me. He fixes the boat. A big old basque joke. I had no idea. I mean, the original title, the original title was Dreadnought, which is a pretty badass title. It is. But this did have to fit into the Stephen Seagall universe of Stephen Seagall is above the law.

Oh, I see. Oh, sure. This was the best, and the fact that they strayed from it ruined his career. Absolutely. Other things. Fire down below was the first one that didn't do that. and it completely fucked his entire career up. It even works for this movie.

Stevenzegal is under siege. No, but it would work for fire down below. He's out for justice. No, wait a second, though. Stevenzegal is fired down below. That just means he's really solid going down. Oh, that's good. He's on fucking fire going downtown.

Great twist in that movie gets gunner real. Well, I guess that title, everybody was like, I don't believe it. Nah. He stars in, Stephen Zagal is not allowed in the United States. Yeah. I mean, that's what's interesting now, right, is looking at this character that he made, you know, infamous Casey Ryback

and what Steven Zagall is now, both disgraced men obsessed with food. So that I think works out nicely for him. Did you know that he did, like, you remember when Jay Peterman buys the stories from Kramer? Yeah. He's actually done that. No, he's buying stories or selling stories?

Oh, really? Like all these, like, operators he means. knows. He, like, actually, like, somebody was, like, I want to buy, I want to buy your life rights. And he was like, oh, to make a movie on me, that'd be great. And he's like, no, no, no, just for the stories. But he's a guy who's lived his life publicly for decades. Yeah, so wait, so he dialed zero on the phone.

Uh-huh. Got a lady or guy there. No, this was a friend of his who he just like, like a CIA operator. You idiot. Oops. So, yeah, we're, it's a, uh, it is the captain birthday. And we're throwing him a surprise party. Sure.

I don't think a surprise party should be allowed in the military. How about that? How about any current or former servicemen or women out there by any chance? Oh, cool. Now we go.

All right, sir. This is real quickly, sir. Give a round applause for this guy right here, ladies gentlemen. All right, sir, what's your name? Bill. Now, Bill, when you were in the military, are you still in the military?

So when you were in the military, surprise parties going on? No, not a lot of surprise parties. I figured as much. Usually those are like a tax before dawn, right? That's the surprise party, exactly right. Let's have a surprise party for Private Phillips in the grenade room.

Now, Bill, a lot of grenade rooms, rooms full of grenades. I just don't think there should be many surprise parties on boats. Yes. You know how you're like never get on a stranger's boat? Never go to a party on a boat either, I would. say. I know there's a lot of them. Never get on a stranger's battleship either.

That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah, so it's the eve of the captain's birthday. This is a real, like, remember that feeling when it was like the last week of school and everybody was fucking off and nobody cared? That's what's going on on this boat. Which is weird, because what with the nuclear warheads all over the place? I feel like there should be

a scotch more attention to what's going on on the boat. That's just me. It's funny because the captain makes a big deal. Like, ah, it's a birthday party. of mine. It's not really mine. It's for the boys. And I'm like, it's literally the one day that's for you, man. If you were to believe in such things.

But, like, yeah, he's like, I don't, I would just have a cheeseburger there, Casey, but the boys love booyabase. It's the boys that love the booyabase. We talk about 50 pounds of boulea base. Like, this is the 1990s

what would you do kind of a and what would I do not eat even anything that comes out of 50 pounds of your base. Let me ask you this though. You're on what would you do? I'm confusing with wild and crazy kids. I was about to ask you a question about Omar Gooding. Okay. But never mind.

Just shut that shit. Wild crazy cooks. Wild and crazy cooks. That could have been an alternate title for this movie actually. Well, it would be wild and crazy cook. Singular. Still kind of work. His crew is kind of cooks as well and they kind of when he gets a team going towards the end.

Too many cooks. There's too many cooks actually at the end of the movie. I agree with that. Yeah, so Gary Busey is kind of going around, like, making sure that everyone is, like, taking off, like, oh, it's the captain's birthday. Don't even look at those nuclear weapons. Who needs to guard nuclear weapons on a birthday? They'll be fine.

This is in peace time right now. Listen, you're on the ocean. You're taking orders from me. Commander Creel, which is a name of a sea thing. Yeah, I'm named after a delicious shrimp that whales eat. Commander Creel's a little Star Warsy, too. It is a little bit. You know?

Commander Creel, you've gone against the Empire. You know, been sentenced to death by lightsaber. I also kept on thinking of Kroll all the time. Oh, it's right there. That's a motion picture. Gary Busey is Kroll. That would have been, if only, right? I would.

Totally. Do you think he read for Han Solo, probably? You probably did. He probably did. He probably did. I know. Never tell me the arch. Get that fucking old man off my spaceship.

Oh, it's a fast ship, asshole. But Gary, this is kind of supposed to be like a family film. And all the cursings really turning me off. That Alec Guinness thinks he's hot shit and he is not. Boy, do you really think you should be covered in blood the whole time? So, yeah, we're organizing the surprise party is the idea. And yeah, he's conveniently like everybody gets, you know, onto the mess deck for everything. And they go down to the kitchen, the galley.

And Steven Zagal is ordered out. He refuses. He also has refused to put on his dress uniform because this is a guy. He's in the military, but he doesn't give a fuck. We're skipping over an important part. The president is upstairs. Oh, sure. This movie is like, oh, you just missed the president.

I'm like, I don't know. Did I? Like, why bother? And for a stunning turn, it's not like just some guy. Yeah. It's fucking H.W. himself is out there. Hey, Poppy, can we eat Casey Robax food? No, we got to get back, dude.

It's 92. I'm still on campaign. Maybe I'll get a little pole boost for undersea. But Poppy, but Poppy, we heard his hot tomato water is the best. Poppy's got Casey's kimchi. Oh my God, the other

guys in my favorite movie. Fuck. I think, I mean, it might have been a strategic thing. This movie comes out like right before the 92 election. Yes, that's not an accident. But to be fair, he didn't like, in case you didn't see it, George Bush didn't film

scenes for this movie. It's a repurpose footage. But it's also not like bogus news video footage. It's glorious 35 millimeter. You're seeing Poppy in all his beauty. That fucking goblin Dick Cheney's like literally right. He's in the frame next to him. You see Barr, the whole thing.

Very odd. You need a fake president any day. Well, Barr, I wasn't too happy with that Erica Laniac. Not too happy with the nudity. Didn't know I was going to be starring in a porno picture bar. Just call me Carl Hungis. Okay, they got the speech. That's great.

Now they got the Hooters. That's not. No, I mean, don't you remember that the wonderful speech in August that Bush gave where the Republican Party is undersea in theaters this July.

I mean, oh. Oh, I guess history is doomed to repeat. I mean, there was there's a lot of rumors that he is CIA backed. He has a lot of CIA friends and all that shit. It does come up. You can't blame me. I'm just the cook.

I was cook. when JFK got assassinated. That's why I don't know. Not the CIA director, just the lonely cook. But yeah, so Busey is pissed because he wants all the people in the chef's area in the Mestek, and Ryebeck isn't taking shit. We also, it's weird in this movie,

like, Stephen Seagall, it's weird to see him being, like, congenial with people. Like, he's just, like, a nice guy. It's disgusting. Oh, it's not good friend, Kewball. Oh, he's not. Hey, K-Ball. Go, K-Ball, go, K-Ball's dancing, everyone.

Let's watch. Everybody, stop what you're doing. K-Ball's doing the thing again. The amount of ink spilled in this script about K-Ball, a character that does nothing. Nothing. And we even comes back at the end and we check in with him. Yes.

I want, you know, we should have, in the middle of the movie, we should have cut to K-Ball in that, it's not the brig, right? What is it, the fulcrum? We have military people. Yeah, the fucking, the front undercarriage of the, boat, I don't know, storage area. But the amount that you

mentioned this guy, you think like, oh, it's going to be like the Stephen Segal and Q-Ball show. No. And I don't know, it's like a backdoor pilot for Q-Ball instead. Oh, it's Q-Ball from Fox's Q-Ball. Coming up after the game, it's Q-Ball from Under Siege.

He's a former military Brad who opens his own restaurant and I don't know, Indianapolis or something. C-Ball, this fall. C-ball, executive produced by Poppy Bush coming up next. Coming up after the game, Kewball, new episode, little friend Casey Rybeck

Stop and buy. Wow, Kewa, this restaurant is great. I can't imagine all the amazing adventures you're going to have here. Well, goodbye, everybody. Oh, so goodbye, unless you pay me again. Hey, Kewball, what's your Bueba's recipe at this restaurant?

Oh, you don't have one? Yeah, so he, but like, you know, he's really in good with all these people on the, in his galley there, which is... He's a man of the people. He is. But, like, it really...

This is the most... Steven Seagal is a terrible actor to begin with. Terrible actor, terrible person, terrible dresser. Never more unbelievable than when he has to be nice to people. Or kind, or, like, even just be like, it's not about me for five seconds. You could just tell he's like, oh, yeah, I'm having a good time. Dude, he's smiling at this cue ball dancing,

and it looks like someone's got a clamp on. his tip. It's just this uncomfortable, like, grimace on his face. I'm having a great time. There are a few moments where I think he's reading cue cards, because he's just like, they're, yeah, they're building a railing system to

unload the Tomaheus. Wait, hold on. I didn't know my face could go this way. You know what goes, your face goes up sometimes? I had no idea. Up in the corners? The corner? I can't do it. I can't do it. I got to go

in urgent care. Sorry, I can't be in the movie. Broke my face trying to smile on the set of Undersea. Got a broken face. But it's kind of, well, this movie is kind of like it's coming out party because like all of those those movies were big, like, marked for death and above the law, but it's all these like black leather

jacket movies that like oldly weirdos were watching. You know what I mean? Like this is like you could bring your mom to under yeah, a lot of weirdos. I was one of those. I know. I know. Action heads is what I'm saying. Oh, real heads. Yeah, yeah. Like video store classics. Not canon

movies. That's what you're looking for. This is a movie that has a budget that has Tommy Lee Jones in it. You've got TLJ money, dude. You can bring your mom to Under Siege, you know. Could you? I mean, you could. Well, it was fine until Erica Lady X tinnies fell out in my face. What are you watching?

We're leaving this theater, you my 23-year-old son. But yeah, so he, you know, he does meet the captain. Him and the captain are really, really tight. They're good pals. And the captain has, we find out that the captain,

due to his weird CIA Navy SEaled disgrace, the captain is like basically stashing him until retirement here. This is like a way to like con the taxpayers out of more money. It's like, we're going to hide you like a Catholic priest or something.

And we're going to put you in the cooking galley. So we're just moving you from boat to boat to boat to boat. Jesus Christ, Captain, how does this cook cost $200,000 a year? Because he got disgraced in Panama or whatever. We were briefly mentioned. He's no longer a Navy SEAL because of that.

But this guy wants him to get a pension off the taxpayer dime. For cooking, what has to be the worst boulea base in the world. It's a watery base, guys. It's really... It's gross. We do get... We peep his menu at one point, which, like... Oh, I love it.

I don't know. I guess, like, a military battle show. Ships Kitchen needs a menu like it's a fucking Burger King. There are several items on the menu named after Casey Rybex. I think most of them are. I think of this a lot.

There's at least four. Ryeback's ribs. Casey's kimchi. Casey's kimchi is the one where I was like, Steven Zagall really pickling cabbage for a Korean food recipe? I don't know. There was one it was like Ryback's green salad.

I'm like, just call it a green salad. Who's making that green salad? Ryback. Therefore, it is a Ryback salad. And this is why Gary Busey's totally justified in hating his guts. Yes, that's true. I've got to look at that self-centered menu you posted. I'm mostly

on his side in this movie. Gary Bucy? Yeah, I mostly like him. Yeah, I want more of that backstory, though, because he's, spoiler alerted, total crooked guy here in with Tommy Lee Jones. And it's got to be like he was passed over for a promotion, something like, why

Would he turn against these? I guess the $200 million helps, but... I mean, Busey has to be a little crooked. I mean, I think he even turned crooked in the Buddy Holly story. It's like taking money under the table for one minute. He killed the big bopper on the plane before they all went down. I'm making beautiful music I'm now using for evil. No, you...

I love you. I'm parachuting out of this plane. Oh, shit, he got out. Oh, my God. He was still alive for decades after that. to this day. No, I think he'd probably be dead by now. It's him and Tupac on an island.

But, so, yeah, like, the captain is like, all right, don't make a big deal out of it. But the idea is Gary Busey is planning the surprise party only to get the defenses down. Why you need a stripper that does not pay, doesn't figure into the plot of that at all. Because when I plan a fake surprise party, I do it with authenticity.

He takes it serious. Seriously. He needs another guy to be like, you know, it's not a real surprise party. We're going to kill everybody, like, minute five. Maybe he was on the fence. Like, maybe it's going to be a real surprise. Oh, I see.

Maybe I'm going to help kill everyone. Look, all of a sudden, we have to call off the mission. Now we got a surprise party without no strippers at it. Well, why are you doing? They're not going to wear these embroidered t-shirts you're ordering because they're being held captive. So what are we doing? He has two phony stories going, though, right?

Because one is, it's the captain's birthday, but then the other thing is, like, it has to be kept a surprise because this birthday party is indeed sponsored by the president of the United States. And it's a weird thing where it's like, the president wants to thank you

for the smooth sailing on that, whatever he's doing. They're commemorating it because this is the battleship where Japan signed the treaty to end World War II was on this battleship. This is, like, actual real history.

It also fired the first shots in the Gulf War. Okay. Still at it after all those years Yeah, it's like telling an ex that you're over them You're doing better now Oh yeah, yeah, you got us in Pearl Harbor But we signed after it was done

After we dropped a little bomb We signed the paper here And actually we're starting a new war on here We're doing great, we're doing fine Imperialism's doing great, don't worry about it You're right, we should be celebrating the airplane more, right? Fuck this boat, who cares what's signed there The Anola Gang

Right, that was the name of it? That was the Anola Gang I think that plane's been celebrated plenty. I guess it has since I actually know the name and the movie had to tell me what this was. What was the... Missouri. Like, they gave him, like, cheeky names.

Jake and the Fat Man, I think. On NBC this fall. Yeah, they dropped a prime time lineup on Japan. You know, I'm surprised we ever made Jake and the Fat Man. It seems like you get Josh Gad and some guy to play Jake. Eventually. It's a good little detective show you got there. Fuck it.

Oh, no, you get Josh Gad as the fat man, and then you get like a CGI character that's voiced by Josh Gad as a... Oh, sure. It's him and a snowman, you think? Jake in the snowman. That sounds good. That's the nadir of your own career

when you are partnered in a buddy cop show with your own animated snowman you have voiced. It's going to happen before they let anyone else into movies. Time to hang it up, man, if that's the case. So Erica Elaniac comes aboard with Billy and the Bail. Bad Billy and the Bail Jumpers.

Ooh. Great name for a fake band. Tommy Lee Jones' band. He's the, I guess he's the Flav of Flav and the harmonica player. He's a hype man. He gets everybody getting going. The other guy is singing, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, you had to, so

you have this, this is one group. And then the other group is the catering group. And like, they have to do all the stuff before they actually tick over the thing. So you got to think Tommy Lee Jones was, well, we're going to need a crooner. Somebody who can be a terrorist and a crooner.

Somebody can handle a ladle. Can somebody handle a ladle? Can you cut roast beef under a hot lamb? And wield a gun. Well, Jerry, your up-close knife skills are more perfect than any I've ever seen before. But unfortunately, you're a really shitty harmonica player. We can't hire you for this particular terrorist attack. But we'll get you back on the next one. See what we can figure out.

This is just about a subpar. and tonic I've ever tasted. You're not made up for a terrorist activity, I've got to tell you. You know what's a missed opportunity I feel for these terrorists? Is they have the guys. There are terrorists that are walking around serving, you know, like past

apps all over the ship, right? Poison those things. Yeah. You know what I mean? They have these guys dropping like fucking flies? Or they're just like shove a Benadryl in there so everybody's a little bit losing. Sure, totally. Don't get behind the wheel of your battleship.

I think it would be, yeah, definitely poised in the whole crew, like sneak it into that bullia base, maybe. And then Casey Rybeck's going to be like, what did I do? Oh, he's like fucking Frank Costanza and everybody's throwing up with all the food he made? Oh, this bouleabase is better than usual.

What is this? More pepper in it? But yeah, so he refuses to go to the mess deck. He wants to keep cooking because that's what the captain told him to do. But you are ordered to party down. And this is where he says, talk to the captain. Oh, it's so good.

You got a problem with it? Talk to the captain. Go talk to the captain. Go talk to the captain. Go talk to the captain. Get that pies out of the oven. I guess... Oh, dude, and he's...

You see... I didn't notice this, but we watched it today. He's put... They're like cream pies that are going right in this oven. It's a meringue, it looks like. Yeah, like a meringue situation. They're going to burn real fast.

Oh, yeah. You got 15 minutes, dude. What are you talking about? Ooh, it's overbaked. Your terrorist cream pie is overbaked. Oh, dude. And then he just throat rips Paul Hollywood. Ooh.

Hey, you know what? That's why they don't allow Americans on this show. We don't take that shit. You can always find another dude who looks like a human wolf to judge cookies or whatever the fuck. It's fair. He is like a furry's dream, really. Absolutely.

All the fucking and none of the costume. Exactly. How many people thought you were going to come here tonight and hear stuff about furries? Come about, all right. They're having fun. They know what they're in for. Totally.

It's all fun. That dude looks like a wolf, though, definitely. He really does. And I guarantee you it's like a silver sweater under there. Oh, dude. Well, here's the thing, though. With, like, the rise in popularity of bakeoff, though, I bet you he's waxing.

Oh, really? Big wax job. I have not even seen this show, but I am, like, super now fixated on seeing this guy with a shirt off. I don't know even know who he is, but he sounds. He's this British dude whose name is actually Paul Hollywood. And he's a judge on this baking competition with his other woman

Prue. And he gets all of his nasty hair into the food? I think so, dude. There's nary a hairnet to be found on that show. Just stay in that, I don't know. But yes, and we all presume

he has a silver front if you take the, if you button, if you tore it open, it would be right there. It would be like the end of Teen Wolf 2 when he walks away there's like a silver tail just kind of wagging around.

They did as more Paul Hollywood talking about. Yeah, please do it. The most recent episode we saw, this poor fuck has to come out he's got all like made up like the Incredible Hulk and it's terrible because he's not like an actor or a comedian

or even remotely fucking funny at all but you it's awesome it's so entertaining to be the viewer because you can just see how much he hates it and he's like oh fuck so that's how they bake in the UK dude they're all dressed up like Marvel characters that's the whole thing of the show

they bake them in terror sweat oh no contestants today we will have the Ryeback challenge where you make Burnt pies. Or maybe you have to bake something successfully while under the gun of a terrorist. I like this, yeah.

Gun them, yeah. See what happens. I'm starting a new show also called Chopped, but I kill people. Yeah, he's just like fucking judo chopping guys. That's all. Have you ever wondered how to dismember a body? Well, get ready for chopped.

All right, Casey. Your basket ingredients are a nuclear warhead for some reason. Mashed potatoes. And a bunch of crushed up Dorita chips. Oh, I could use this. I could use this to take out of a submarine, yeah. Here are some plutonium croquettes.

Everybody see this movie where he gets the syrup out of that warhead? Did anyone see this? It's like brown molasses. It looks delicious. I think that was some weaponry we bought from Canada. Okay. Like, oh, geez, eh, we got syrup in another nukehead.

Better sell it off to our idiot neighbors to the South. Yeah, they use it at like cocktail bars, the nuke syrup. Totally. This rum plus lime plus a little nuclear waste on top of it. Look, you'll die from radiation poisoning hours after drinking it, but

tasty as hell. You will look very trendy doing it. So Gary Busey comes in and he spits in his buoyabase. Dude, this should warrant a throat chop right there. I was waiting for just it to start boiling after that happened. A little added flavor.

Oh, like a witch's brew bubbling up to the surface. Bucy spit. I have nude. Bucy spit. I like it. This could use some more toad legs. Double, double toilet trouble,

motherfucker. I like that. He, yeah, he spits in it, and then this is when SIGAL punches him in the face. That's cool. Uh-huh. It is pretty great.

What is the line here? Because it's something about like, well, that's disrespecting an officer. Yes. And he goes, no, it's not. And, like, punches him in the face. He goes, that is. and then he gets locked in a meat locker

like it's The Shining which is kind of fun you know here's the thing I like this movie quite a bit but better movie he's locked in that freezer and like ghosts from the boat start talking to him

like some old like WW2 vet is like oh hey you know I better come out of there Casey Ryback need you to kill these terrorists oh yeah I mean Seagal would have gone crazy within 12 hours though you wouldn't need the four days

you know the ending of the movie could be like a return of the king where there's a ghost army now. Helping out. No, at the end of the movie is the end of the Shining. It's the crew in the 1940s. It's like the, what do you call it there?

It's the treaty signing. It's a big picture. And you zoom in and there's Steven Sagan. Oh, fuck. He was always there the whole time. You've been in the military the whole time. In the background of the captain's party, there's a guy like, Greg Potter.

Yeah, exactly. A fucking axe wound in his head for some reason. No, Japan didn't fuck around, you know? Seems like those terrorists need correcting as well. What are you talking about? Gary Busey was the actual captain. Oh, man. You know, it often sucks when we come up

with clearly better movies than the actual movie, but now Steven's Gall in a haunted ghost movie, ghost boat movie specifically. Oh, yeah. Do a sequel, like, 30 years later called, like, Dr.

Boat? Doctor Boat. I was going to say Dr. Cook. Well, you're just as dumb as mine. I like how you were like Dr. Boat. No, how about Dr. Cook? Way better.

Show of applause. Doctor Boat. All right, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Dr. Boat. Shh. Or Dr. Cook. Nice. I'll give it to you, dude.

I think you had it by a razor's edge. We got rid of the applause machine, unfortunately. We'll never truly know. Damn it. Just another phony election Yeah, so he's like locked in And they get this dumb private to watch

The private's not even allowed to go to the party To watch Erica Elenia, dude, it's a real bummer Oh, Private Nash, you came in on the boat at Hawaii Now you get to watch Casey Rybeck He's a psychopath I thought what was going to happen here Because we're stealing so much from Diehard I thought maybe we were going to steal from other diehards

because remember at the end of that second diehard where they're like, oh, new guy, you weren't with us in Nicaragua where we came up with this plan and they kill him. That's what I thought was going to happen to this dude where it's like, oh, you didn't get here to Hawaii. Oh, my God. That is incredible. He's like, oh, Gary Busey's like, oh, you just came on at Hawaii.

This guy is the craziest motherfucker that's ever lived. This motherfucker, I don't know how he even got on here. Yeah, this is a terrible ship. We got crazy people. Insane person. He makes all the food, by the way. I mean, just look at my face. I mean, you know how movies have, like, continuity experts?

Like, they'd make sure, like, oh, you know, that glass is this. Experts. His shirt was blue in the last scene. This movie had, like, a don't get sued by diehard. So it was just a guy that had to watch. And they were like, all right, in this scene, Stephen's shoes fault. No, we can't do it. You know that whole scene we have in the ship ducks?

we're going to have scrappers. He's just blowing an air horn every time they inch a little too close to die. Exactly. The line that Gary Busey has to this guy he goes, he's an extreme psychopath. He hates officers.

He hates America. And that's all this little turd needs to hear. He's like, that guy's going to get locked in this refrigerator until the end of time. This dude has awesome Andrew Davis deaths in a lot of movies, though. or deaths in Andrew Davis movies have some more of this you fucking pig

because he also gets hilariously, well he's deafened in the fugitive and then he gets hilariously murdered in US Marshals he has a hilarious death in this movie well he just like has the eyes of like an innocent bunny rabbit you're about to like cut

and eat because there's no other food like he's just like what what is happening those are the best to kill aren't they oh yeah that's why he got so much work Because we have a nice guy, Segal. He's like, you got to get me out of this fridge, man.

In another real thing, he's going to break your neck when I get out of here. But he's like, you're a nice buddy rabbit, man. You just got to get me out of here. To Casey Ryback's point, though, like, well, to Nash, actually, the bunny rabbit has it better because Ryback is going back from, you need to let me out of here. You need to let me out of here. It's trouble. The captain's in trouble.

Could you get my pies out of the oven? Please, the pies are very important as well. but actually the captain might be dead. Also, my tomato sauce needs to be stirred. It will stick to the bottom of the pan. And once you get the pies out of the oven, pre-heat the oven to $3.50. I swear to fucking God, if you let my pies go.

Which he does, by the way, those pies get burned. Yeah, it's a bummer. The pies are some of the first casualties of the film, actually. Yes, thank you. The biggest casualties. I'm pretty sure Erica Elaniac tries to commit suicide in this movie because they're like, she comes on.

It's like all these, like, horny, fucking Navy dudes. She's like clearly uncomfortable. with the assignment that she has. She's like, this isn't going to go well. Gary Busey is looking at her, and he's like, here, if you have seasickness, take some of these. And it's like, drama me or whatever, she's like, how about 12?

Like, she really, he's like, very specifically, just take two, and she's like, well, wouldn't you? Yeah, I know, but. I think so, yeah. Yeah, she also gets a creepy Tommy Lee Jones line that's like, like, honey, you could do this with your eyes closed.

Yeah, it's like Christ. Being on a boat. man, anytime you're in a boat, you're in real trouble. There's no way to get off that boat. Stripping out of a boat has to be terrible. Yes, exactly. For more on that, see, boat hard. But that's the idea, she falls asleep

in the cake, because again, she tried to kill herself by taking like 19 drama meetings. I'm the only one that cooks for the captain. Who made this cake? What the fuck? Oh my God, this cake is made out of cardboard. The captain hates cardboard. Captain's a pie guy. Go call the captain. Talk to the captain.

He's a pie guy. I'm going to go start making some paper pies. So you got Tommy Lee Jones in his band are playing this huge... I mean, they are rocking this room on this boat. Tommy Lee Jones just blaring this harmonica, man. This dude can fake play a mouth harp like nobody's business. It'd be great if they're really doing it.

And Tommy Lee Jones is like, just call it off. I'm having a great time. We're not going to do... Let's just finish the set. Let's finish the set. Plan's over. We'll make a billion dollars elsewhere.

This is too much fun. The catering from Hawaii is actually very... good. It tastes like someone's spit in the boolia base, though. Yeah, sadly. Everything else is totally fine. But this is where Gary Busey comes in. You hear him, as he gives Erica Elaniac those pills, he's like, yeah, this guy's ready for it.

I'm not. I've seen this movie like 20 times, and you're never ready for it. So he keeps saying, oh, I got to go put my costume out. I've got to go change my wardrobe. And what he means is, they're like, all right. Like, Tommy Lee Jones, I think, is like, Now to welcome to the stage. All right, here we go, everybody.

Playboys, Miss July 1989. And, like, the band plays again. And here comes Gary Busey and drag. Doing his best Rudy Giuliani. Holy shit, I was watching my favorite movie under siege, and I got a great idea. Donald, are you watching TV? Yes.

I always am. You know that, Rudy. I perpetually have boat heart in the Vee. I make Eric just fast forward to all the chemshads. That's no way to live. No. No, not at all. There was so much coming there.

They really should have had life preservers on. I'll tell you that much. That much I will tell you. He is just dancing around with this huge fake rack, and all these dudes are going nuts, which is great. I think somebody even says, like, I guess Commander Curl isn't such a bad guy after all. It's like, meanwhile, that guy's going to get to.

shot in the head. Oh, he's terrible at this. She might be a good guy. It's just so funny that they actually like it. It's like I don't like Commander Crill, but now he's kind of homophobic. That's pretty cool. That's nice. There's a couple of those dudes, though, like the guys that are in, like, general admission

and they're the, like, real rowdy guys going after it. But then there's, like, this dais that's, like, the commanding officers, those guys are not having it down. Like, Bernie Casey, I think, is one of those dudes. They're just, like, very straight face. this is a disgrace. But Bernie Casey is rocking the fuck out to fucking the bail jumpers.

He thinks, like he's like, yeah, go do it, yeah. But so like he's like, I gotta go get the captain. I'll be right back. And this is what he's like, and it just must suck because it's like, all right, everybody, who's the highest-ranking officer here? This guy stands up and he's like,

oh, he's gonna zing me and he gets shot there. It just must be like, all right, here comes a little insult for the, the highest-ranking officer, do your worst. Oh, wait, wait until Carol hears about this when I get... Honey, I got roasted at the... It's, again, thinking about it, though, like, Gary Busey knows it's a fake party. He knows that he is about to commit a terrorist attack on his own country.

Why the cross-dressing? He's so concerned, I think he's so concerned about selling the surprise party. that the rest of the operation goes tits up well I mean he does it's very jolly when he says welcome to the revolution in the dance it is a good one so I think he is ready

to take the fucking ship but I feel like if he's doing this though he's the guy who then I mean I guess he can't because he knows who the highest ranking membership is but like he pulls maybe the gun out of his bosom or something and you know blast him or whatever but instead it's Tommy Lee Jones like

and this is how you know it's the turn because the guy just says you know, it's me, but he doesn't say his name. And then Tommy Lee Jones is like, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Commander Green. And just rocks this dude's brain against the wall. It also looks like that guy. I have a theory that a couple of these dudes are like some real non-actors.

And this dude was like, yeah, I'll be in your movie and they're like, cool, you'll be like the third in command. All right, sounds pretty good. And you're going to get your brains blown all over the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, this is the biggest, now it's a surprise party, He brings Colmini with him with a tray of food.

Yes. But I don't understand the tray. If you're going to go get the captain and bring him back, why are you bringing a tray of food to him? Maybe he was like, all right, Gary Busey was like, all right, Colmini, listen up. We're going to go in the captain's quarters. We're going to blow his brains out and then.

You and I are going to have some appetizers. We're going to have some mozzarella sticks before we do this terrorist attack. I got a better idea. Bring him that spit your base. It's the booja base that I spit upon. I want to watch a captain eat. Spit your base. I always wanted to eat

half of a naked body. We're going to strip the captain and lay out all their meat on them like a... Also, yeah, I just came up with spit your base. I'm a fan of a good, poor banto. You know, now that I shot the captain,

I always wondered what his dick would look like. Oh, this is a nice one. I think I might take that as a trophy. Speaking of no one's looking. In Vietnam, I used to have it a penis necklace. He does shoot the captain dead.

And, uh, Cole Meany, by the way. Anyone catch what his character's name is? No. Like, dauber or something? No, it's Dahmer. Hell yeah. Different spelling.

Really? Oh, you think you had to go through his whole life? It's a different spelling. First of all, I'm Irish. Second of all, different spelling. And yes, it's confusing that my first name is Jeff. Yes, I'm Jeffrey Dahmer. Yes, yes, yes.

It's with a pH. It's with a pH, honestly. I'm sorry, yes. It's like sub and dom, not Dahmer, you know. It's made doubly confusing because I also work at a chocolate factory. But I manage it, I manage it. I'm not supervising the conveyor belts.

I'm the manager of the whole plant. Yeah, it's not Milwaukee. It's Milwaukee Chester, Westar. That's a UK city name. Is it? They add like Chester's and Sires and everything. That's true. It's true. Yeah, they do.

The guy who's guarding Sagan is like, that sounds like an awful lot of gunfire for a surprise party. Like usually one or two, you know, most surprise party. Well, he's kidding himself itself. Like, you are hearing guns go off and people screaming, like,

their last breath exiting their body. And this dude's like, sounds like firecrackers are going off. And you got Segal being like, you fucking idiot, man. Those are guns. Oh my God, I've been shot! No, they're just doing shots.

Okay, Casey. They're doing shots up there. It's fine. And this guy thinks that, like, by ignoring Ryeback and just doing what Gary Busey told him, he's like, this is going to score me some big points. What, I'm shot in the spine. Wow.

Oh, my God, we're surrounded. They must be watching Butch Cassie and the Sundance Kid up there. But, you know, once they take control of the ship, this is when Timberley Jones is like, all right, they forget about, the movie forgets about Steven Seagal for like a very long time. I appreciate it, honestly. We looked this up beforehand. He's only got like 40 minutes of screen time.

Versus, I think Tommy Lee Jones is 45. So this is technically a Jones joint. Well, I mean, he's your headlining man, dude. I mean, he was a big deal at this point. I do appreciate all that we get to know the ship. Like, the ship's a guy, basically. You know, you get to know his quarks. The ship's a guy?

The ship's a guy. A character in the film. But this is a compliment to Andrew Davis in general because the fugitive feels very grounded because he actually lays the groundwork. The world feels lived in. Yes. Like when they're in Chicago, it does feel.

like Chicago, but when you're on a boat here, it feels like you're on a boat. That's right. Yes. And this is where boat heart fails. Because I can tell that you're just shooting that in the valley somewhere. Come on. They were supposed to be on a boat, but it's

clearly California. It's amazing. So he takes over the command and he's like, can I get some food in here? And he starts cutting up roast beef and throwing it to his men as if they were dogs. Like real dogs. And I would just be like, cool.

They are dogs of war. Think about it. Think about it. Are you saying this movie's really saying something? I can see smart. I can see bread and cheddar cheese. Do you mind if I look actually making a sandwich and eat like a human being instead of... No, I'll just catch it in my mouth.

Well, that dude has no problem. I mean, he grabs it one hand. Honestly, I've seen a lot of roast beef thrown around. That's the coolest I've ever seen it done. Billy, no, we really like the roast beef. Is there any way we could get some of that famous boule bass? We really have been hearing a lot about it. You use it kind of like as an au jude to just dip the roast beef right in, right?

So then you get like a soggy ass handful of roast beef, just shove it in your mouth. Soaked in bucey spit. How's all your mozzarella sticks and whatever the fuck? Also soaked in bucey spit. No, no, no, no, no, no. I know how you get just like an extra sloppy. My saliva's peanut oil, actually. would take some spit from him. He's a living

legend. Yes, for sure. Like in a handkerchief? I wouldn't want to watch him to spit. His old face would fall off. At this point, like, you know. You know what's unfortunate about that Bulya Bay spitting attack, by the way? I'm pretty sure it's like he just does like a... Yeah. Like, I don't know. How about some actual spit,

Gary? Let's muster that up. He gets a lot of like, there's some boogers in there, dude. But you see nothing come out. I think it just proves like how great of an actor Gary Busey truly is. That's fair. I was like, that guy's spitting. Yeah.

It would be, but it would be funnier if you can't, and you just had like a ball jar full, I've been shaving this up and just pours it into the boulea base. Let's move on, shall we? That's just like, we understand that the spit happened in the booie base. It's a thickening agent.

It happened. It happened. God damn it, Chris. Shut the fuck up. It's my cursing jar. Whenever I curse, I get a spit in there. It's a little of my rainy day fund. If I ever leave.

I can't spit anymore. The, they call the present, the, the, the Pentagon or wherever the fuck this is. They say something, something command center,

I think is the idea. And it happens twice where, because it happens here, then when Busey makes the intercom about like, oh, we're drowning all the dudes. Everyone else in the shot

is doing like, we're making a prank phone call laughing in the background. Yes. They're like, he-he-he-he-he-ha. Because he's pretending to be crazy.

Yes. Much like a movie like Die Hard when... Yeah, it's the same exact thing that Rickman does, right? Where it's like we're pretending that we're going to start a one world government or whatever. And then it's like,

no, it's just bear a ball. For the money, you see. And this is we're going to sell the warheads off of the battleship to the highest bidder. Hey, something's up. Hey, Pentagon. Is your fridge running? We better go catch it. No, no, we'll do it.

the terrorist thing for real this time. We'll call him back and do the terrorist thing. I love this room of dudes, though. There's, like, the one guy who's, like, the CIA shithead intelligence guy, and they're like, oh, turns out, I don't know, I haven't heard of him. This guy named William Strannix,

that's Tommy Lee Jones character. He's like, it appears William Strannix has taken over this battleship, and this dude just goes, William Strannix, Jesus Christ. It's going to be a bad day. boy. Yeah, honey? Yeah, I'm not coming home for that baked mac and cheese dinner we've been planning. Yep, our worst fears have come true. That's right, dear. Stranx, you guessed it. It's a

Stranx night. I never thought it would come, but it's here. The guy that he trained to take take over battleships. This is great. Well, yeah, this guy is, there are three people that carry over to the sequel, Under Siege 2, Dark Territory. Nice. Pretty good movie. Previous episode. And this is one of them. And, like, he's running like some born villain program with like Bogosian and this guy because like he's both he's like yeah I trained him too

I guess I'm the problem here sorry guys do you get the headaches Eric Bogosian I get such bad headaches they do this thing where so Tommy Jones is like you know blah blah blah I'm going to take over the world I'm crazy by the way

Mr. CIA man did you get the fingers that I sent you in the mail of the men that you said to kill me and the guy doesn't react but I'm like so either A he got them or B like they just got jammed up in FedEx somewhere else No he reacts but it's like embarrassed to it like he's like

Yes I got the finger It's back home in the freezer My wife's kind of grossed out about it I'll be honest with you Do you want to get back on it? It was on my to do list I was going to look into who sent me the fingers But then I just got held up at work Yeah and he got them delivered late

they were held up at a FedEx facility like our posters we were supposed to have here tonight. Sons of bitches. And the fingers that I sent that guy too. Those are also... What we're trying to say from the stage here tonight is to boycott FedEx. A good one.

Stranx, it looks like you ripped this finger off. It wasn't a clean cut. I'm really impressed. Really impressed. Nice finger cutting. So we learned that Tommy Lee Jones character, yes, was like an operator for the CIA, some sort of intelligence dude,

and they were on a mission. that got canceled, and then this guy, the old Jesus Christ guy, sent assassins to kill Tommy Lee Jones in Miami, and they flubbed it, and that's what caused him to flip. Now, here's the thing. I need those scenes of a botched Miami set Tommy Lee Jones assassination attempt. Absolutely, and just, like, him, like, getting together with Gary Busey, there's so many rich little details I want more.

How did they meet each other? Yeah. Like terrorist Craigslist, basically? I would think so. They got to do, like, a four-hour Irishman type of thing, de-age all these people. Oh, totally. I would love it, right?

You know? It could be a big epic. And like, where does the fat Russian that does the submarine drive and where's he from? Like, let's get, let's live in this world. Well, what is the ad? It's just like disillusioned intelligence officers

seeks fellow disillusioned military officers. Like, again, you're going to have to do it a bunch. It's going to be like, can you, you know, can you serve a salad and hold a gun? Over and over, Knife skills? No, not the actual cutting. Well, actually, the cutting of the meat

and cutting people, if you could... Well, it's 1992, so it's not Craigslist, but maybe like a back page kind of... Okay, yeah. You're looking through, like, you know, a publication or something. It's all in the village voice. Yeah, it was like in the voice

or like the back of guns and ammo or some shit. Yeah. I met this man in a motel. I was supposed to meet this guy in a motel room to do terrorist shit, and he never showed up. Oh, now it's a missed connection. Yes, it's a terrorist misconnection? Yes, exactly.

Okay, sure. I miss the love of my life. We're going to buy a bunch of guns together. I got a lot of these guys from a timeout Alabama. I'll put on the stress for nothing. Excellent. But, you know, we had fun there. But so they realize, like, oh, shit,

I guess we left that cook that we all hate in the meat freezer. And Busey is like, I'm going to go down there, take care of it myself. And time billion jokes, it's like, no, no, no, no. You're a main character. I have these two, like, nameless henchmen

that's going to go down, and they'll just get killed, and then we have a movie. If you go down there and kill him, we don't have a movie. But it's also important to note that nobody knows that Casey Ryback, Stephen Zagal, is an ex-Navy seal. Yes. They really think he's just a cook.

Because the captain really had him hidden. It's crazy. We learned that, like, yeah, his, like, Intel file was locked in a safe, like, behind this dude's cherished heirlooms or some shit. It had a big do-not-open sticker near it. Especially if you are Gary Busey. And this is the first, like, real action scene in the movie

they go down, they kill the dude. These two guys kill the guy and... Are you going to kill me? Well, yeah, of course, we're going to kill you. The fuck do you think? Jesus, you stupid idiot. It's awesome, though, man. Something Jack Nicholson doesn't think of in The Shining.

Seagall is hiding, like, in the ceiling of this fridge. Pretty great. Wendy, I'm going to hit you with a great. Wendy. I can't believe these guys just shoot all the food. Now they have no food. Wendy, I got to finish the boo-ya base. Let me out.

Let me out, honey. The boo-ya-base is going to get cold. Wendy, when I'm in the kitchen, I'm working. Oh, God damn it. They destroyed all the food supplies. Now we got to order pizzas. Get the pies, Wendy. Get the pies.

Meanwhile, the one of this is happening, Scamman, Cruthers is somewhere else. No, it would actually be great if he was Scatman Brothers just opens his eyes and he's like, eh, fuck it. Oh, that happens. When you got the shining, that happens like five times a week.

It's just like, oh, yeah, some of the little kids getting killed, I don't know. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? You got that apartment, I don't need to go anywhere. I'd just be entertaining people at that apartment. It is one of cinema's greatest apartments, by the way. You know you're a confirmed bachelor

when you have, like, pornography on your walls. But here's the thing. It's not like your cheapo, like, cutting out of a mess. magazine shop. This is like oil painting pornography that he's got in that apartment. Cover of a Miles Davis record pornography. Yes. Yes. The best kind of pornography.

It's capital E, capital A erotic art. Sure. Yeah, it's different. Sure, scatman. So, you know, then he starts seagulling around this boat for a lot of the movie. We get a nice knife

to the throat, which I appreciate. Ooh, totally. That's, you know, Steven Zagal, very skilled with knife play. Not a ton of knife play in this movie, which is a problem for me. I mean, the ending is it's a knifesterpiece, I think, actually. It is. Great portmanteau. We see some fucking carrots get it good.

Dude, when he's dicing these carrots at the start, that's a good knife stuff. He's chopping onions. I can't do it that fast. The high-octane cooking action you're talking about? Yeah, that's great. Well, you talked about Paul Hollywood, whoever that is. I told you he's a wolf man That judges cakes, dude

All right, all right, no carrots I'll talk about cakes That man can't shop You can only mix Diffference dude talk about carrot cake How about that? I like that Now we're talking

I like that I guess you're grading carrots They're not chopping them So yeah, you can work with that We can figure it out How about we talk about yellow cake, right? These tomahawk missiles Yes, there you go

Yeah, there we go He finds Eric Elaniac Because this movie Needed Eric Alaniac I guess and, like, you get the nudity for no reason. It's interesting because she's the only woman in the movie. I guess this was before we had... We must have had women in the art service.

In the, what do you call it? The command center, there is a woman in the military there. Who doesn't even have a seat at the table? Dude, she's literally behind all the other chairs. Yeah. Well, I think that's probably Seagal. None of them. Get them out of here.

I want men around here. Or very proud that the crew of the USS Missouri is a very diverse. No, no, no. No, no, not for my movie, motherfucker. Make it some changes in the script. But, like, she wakes up, like, you know, hopped up on dramamine, and the music starts going,

and she starts, like, dancing nakedly. But there's, like, dead people she's dead. Like, it's a very creepy, like, you would see immediate, like, oh, fuck. Not to mention all of the gunfire you had to have heard. You would literally smell the death. Yes, exactly. There's so many dead bodies in this room.

But doesn't it take some time, right? Like a fresh kill probably just smells fine. I mean, it's been an hour, Eric, or about it. A fresh kill probably smells just fine. Seriously, if you stumble upon a body that's been an hour dead, do you really think you're smelling? Maybe the shit that comes out of it, right? Oh, right, already.

And then, does anyone know what 21 grams smells like? Well, no, you wouldn't smell it because it's left already, dude. Oh, fuck. but you know now we're like sort of team she like goes to her whole thing of like oh my god you know I was hired to do this thing my favorite line of this movie is

Steven Seagall she does this whole spiel he goes what kind of babbling bullshit is this Babylon bullshit okay that wasn't in the script but it was pretty good so we're going to keep it it's great because it's like this real meta response like he's talking about the whole script yes it's awesome

But he didn't understand that. No, no. Stephen Siegel did not understand that. Yeah, tell that story, by the way. Oh, so Stephen Segal, the reason that it's Seagall and not Seagall, how it's supposed to be said, he went to an art exhibit. Which is already just stunning. Wild stuff. Wait, wait, did he buy this story from someone?

Oh, fuck. I thought this is a capital E, capital A, erotic art exhibit. What the fuck? Anyway, he went to a Shigal retrospective. He's like, I like that. I'm just going to say my name like that now. Seagall. Seagall, Seagall.

And it worked. It worked, I guess. It's still just stunning that he went to an art exhibit. He must have been lost. But so, like, now they're sort of teaming up, and they have, it's really weird because they have, like, no sexual or romantic chemistry whatsoever. They don't even have buddy chemistry.

Well, it's outrageous. They have her dress like she's part of the sandlot for a lot of this. Dude, this backwards hat? You got to look like a baby. You understand? Until you kill somebody, then you're not a baby anymore. But until then you're a baby. What do you mean?

You're a playboy model and you've never killed anybody? Baby. Baby, baby. I mean, they do. It's like they have this garbage. It happened one night scene where, like, he puts her in a locker and she's starts screaming, and he's like, why are you doing that? I mean, Steven Seagal, putting a woman in the locker,

it's just like, that's a little too close for a home, man. Well, it's better than locking him in his basement or whatever the fuck that story was about. And those were stories he didn't buy. Yeah, no. Those are stories he couldn't give away, dude. Come on, 50 cents, 50 cents, take this story. I mean, it's that, yeah, he's, but he's living in Russia because he is upset with the government, not because he's wanted on a lot of shit.

Remember Stevenson's all law man? Yes. We cosplayed as a cop and walked around. Dude, that is one of the craziest things because that was like an American television production that just filmed illegal activity and presented it as entertainment. He's like cuffing dudes, kicking doors down.

And it's all under the guise of like whatever Joe Arpaio, douchebag sheriff, like, benighted this guy, like made him a deputy or something. It was Joe Arpaio. No, fucking wait! Was it? Yes, of course it was. That dude sucks shit.

Is that guy dead yet? I don't know. No, he still kicking around. God, where's the fucking coronary fairy for that guy? He'll be president soon. Now, he smells right after he died. I'm sure.

If you smell before you die, you smell after you die. I got to say, it does not apply to Grampies. When a Grampi dies, it's ripe immediately. Gotcha. that was, it overstayed its welcome or whatever, and it's just ripe as fuck. What, they just like shrivel up like they chose the wrong cup?

Yeah, dude. It's gnarly. It was like Indiana Jones in the last crusade joke, ladies and gentlemen, there it is. I love a movie where the Grim Reaper is in the middle of an action movie. Like, he's just, it's this movie, but there's like literally like a William Sadler-esque Grim Reaper

going from like, fuck, I got to go back to that ship. Another person died? Well, I don't think you're going to get better than Last Action Hero. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, totally. Yeah.

Ah, damn it. But Sadler in this movie in some capacity, speaking to die hard too. Again, the air horn would go off. You can't have Sadler in here. That's true. You're going to have William Sadler

in this movie. He's got to have his pants on. You're stealing from the second one now? Okay. Well, no one saw that, so we're good. But, yeah, he's just doing, you know, they're both going together. She is just, like,

it's one of those things we're like, I don't know, I saw someone kill someone, I'd throw up. But she's like, yeah, get him. Yeah. I'd be like, holy shit, that guy used to be alive. You shot him, and now he's dead. You watch his 21 grams sail right off this boat.

I mean, it was a, you know, this fellow was born, little baby cherished. Yeah, totally. Breast-fed or not, raised up. Uh-huh. Thank you for clarifying. We don't, we don't know. Are you telling me the plot of boyhood? I'm just saying someone loved everything.

one of these terrorists. True. We should take a moment for all of them. We should. I think. I do love, there's a great,

it might be my favorite line in the movie where she, we're still at the locked in the closet thing, I guess. She says something like, oh, I don't like

being locked in, in tight space or something like that. And he goes, yeah, well, do you like being dead? Like, well, I guess a face between

the two getting stuffed in a locker or dying. Yeah, sure. She hasn't tried it yet. How can she decide? It's a real binary choice. or a zero. Do you like this? Or you're like being

fucking dead? I mean if you spend a lot of time around Stephen Siegel, I mean it becomes a harder choice there. That's how he asks ladies out. Actually, there's an almost bigger LOL like in that same scene where it's something about like

her holding a gun or something like that and she is offended by what he says and he goes, oh what are you talking about? I support women's lib and I was like, the fuck you do. Look at this cast the fuck you do. Oh, no, I meant women's lips. I support lips.

She asks him, like, he finally finds her. She was almost killed. And she's like, who are you? And he's like, I'm just a lowly cook. He's like throwing himself a pity party in the middle of this. I'm just a cook. It's not like I almost killed several world leaders. No, no, no, no, just a cook.

He gets off on it, man. Oh, I'm just a lowly. cook, oh. And this lady is like screaming. You don't want to tell her, yeah, yeah, I can kill a bunch, a hundred people. Don't worry, I got this. This is fine. It does wind up leading to his most boss line of the entire film

though, where like he lays waist to a ton of dudes or whatever, and she's like, I thought you said you were just a cook. And he, like, cocks a gun or something shit. And he just goes, yeah, I also cook. And I was like, smells like a trailer line to me. I do. I like that. I like that.

Meanwhile, yes, we find out the whole army is looking at it's like, oh, well, Casey Ryback's there. He'll take care of everything, you know what I mean? Oh, did you say Casey Ryback? He's the greatest we got. Where's he been? People, like, at a note, like, walking in from other rooms, did you say Casey Ryback?

Oh, I love that guy. It is awesome, like, the one commander, like, says the admiral or whatever. Excuse me, do you know about Casey Ryback? And the guy's like, shit, yeah, I do. He's on that phone. We're saved. There's only one person in the Navy we respect more than Casey. Rybeck, and that is Q-Ball.

Find out what adventures he's up to this fall on Fox. K-Ball, the show. If Q-Ball wasn't already detained, that ship would be free. Ernie Hudson and whatever actor plays K-Ball tonight on K-Ball. Dude, yeah, more roles for Ernie Hudson, Dave. Please.

Hadda, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. One of our, like, fave pastimes when we're on the road, you know, is hotel TV, right? Because you are just beholden to whatever is broadcast on this garbage television system, right? Had Ghostbusters 2 on this afternoon?

I'll tell you right now. In that courtroom scene? Why does Ernie Hudson not participate in the busting? It's fucked up! He's a second-class Ghostbuster, and I don't like it. It's disgusting. I do not like it. It's disgusting.

And I'll tell you right now, because he's in this new one, this fucking afterlife nonsense. The only reason he's there is, because Ramos is dead. I guarantee it. He better be busted. Not the fact that he's the best Ghostbuster they ever had,

but because one of the other ones who played a Ghostbuster is six feet deep. If you have people in the movie, they should be busting. Totally. You know, like Boehard didn't have that problem.

Everyone in that movie seemed to be busted. Carl Hungas, the rest of them? I got a track down a copy of Boehard. I really do. Stunningly, it was only released on VHS. Oh, that's real. But worth a peep.

Maybe something for the trailer. a game, dude. I don't know. That's true. Game Master's Clue. This pizza man... No, I don't know. It's a sausage pizza, he has, of course it is.

Yes. But so, you know, he's just dieharding around. Let's be like, let's call it what it is. He's dieharding around. Absolutely. Tom Lee Jones is pissed because they find out in his file that he's a Navy seal, you know, and that's a big deal. It was in the

in the captains, like private And this is like, it's like knock four against Busey and the job that he's done to prepare for this terrorist attack. And he's like, it's because it was in the captain's secret safe. And like, by the way, he has been like walking around like, I'm the captain now. La de da, like just like, I'm the captain. Did I tell you, I'm the captain now.

I shot the other captain. Well, when the captain is dead and like literally the ship's been taken over, no one's the captain. But no, I am. No, it's very important that you know, I'm the goddamn captain. Well, I think if, like, a terrorist cell takes over the ship, the captain is whoever they wanted to be.

It's me. Exactly. Like, yeah, if a terrorist takes over a Burger King, he doesn't become the manager. You've got to go through training. You need to do corporate training. Die hard in a Burger King. Oh, I like this.

Ooh, shit. Yeah, does Michael Douglas become in falling down? Does he take over? You see the guy? Yeah, I got a real whopper for you. And, Douglas. Got throat cancer for going down on my wife. What a weird thing to say.

Just say, I used to smoke. It's the only way you can really brag about having throat cancer. He found a way to do it. God bless him. You just love him because he gave you a drunk high-five that one time. He did, he did. We were at a Marvel screening of Ant Man. We did.

And Michael Douglas gave me, of all people, a high five. Well, for two reasons. One, you were, or three. One, you were sitting on the aisle. Two, you extended your hand like so. And three, he was wasted. Great hand. Yeah?

Moisturizer or what? I think so. Nice. If he gives hand that good, the fucking head he would give would be out of sight. Out of sight. So you think it's worth the trouble? Absolutely. Absolutely.

God, I'm just curious. Yeah, yeah, I got hand cancer and I got it by... It was just a really dumb thing for her to say. Great hands. So they're like, they're also, like, on top of terrorist attacking, they're doing, like, steel work within this boat. Yes.

Because they're retrofitting the system to sneak the warheads off the battleship. And there's this moment where Tommy Lee Jones is like, oh, so, Gary Busey, what are you going to do with your $200 million? And he's like, I'm going to buy. the presidency. And Tommy Lee Jones, he doesn't say any, this is great, he doesn't say anything,

the camera holds on him, and the look is like, yeah, right. I mean, just look at you, yeah, right. You're going to need at least eight million before you to get that, Jack. Two million ain't going to do it. I beat you to it.

But so whatever, like now we're like doing an auction for the missiles, and like he's just talking on the phone to France. It's like the most basic, like from every country you imagine, it's Francois from France. It's Luigi from Italy. What would Francois want to blow up a vineyard he didn't like or something? I guess he would threaten to blow up that vineyard and get to get the money back.

It's Muhammad from the Middle East. Yeah, totally. Not expounding anymore on that. No. And, yeah, there's some more action. Seagal blows up a helicopter. Massive diehard. This is where I was like, did no one at 20th Century Fox

sees this movie, because the lawsuit is right there, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is it a helicopter exploding, Steven Seagall jumps off the boat, holding a thing and slams against the side of the boat. The guy, the diehard guy was sick that day. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck, there should have been an air horn during that scene.

Well, no, they're like, oh, he's sick. Let's do the whole diehard thing. Only today. Take your shoe up. Stephen, take your shoes up. Take your shoes up. Step on that glass right now. No, no, no.

You see, theirs is, the helicopter blows up on the roof of a tower. Ours blows up on the roof of a boat. Deng, dun dun da-da-d-d-dun.

Anybody familiar with that vanilla ice explaining why he didn't plagiarize that tune? Man, that's a great moment caught on film. To be fair in Diehard, he says, ho, ho, ho, now I have a machine gun.

Because it's the captain's birthday, I wrote, Happy Birthday. I have a machine gun. See, in the clear. Oh, it's such a rip, man. Yeah, so that happens. And so they're like on to him now.

It's like, oh, there's definitely someone this boat messing with us. Kalmini's about to blow him away at one point. And then this is Erica Elaniac just shoots this dude right in the back. Well, this is around when, like, it becomes, like you said too many cooks, when we free the rest of his crew

and it's like an old guy, the guy who played Cannon Street Fighter, Raymond Cruz, and somebody else. Yeah, the dude who played Roger Padactor and Ace Ventura's in this movie. You can spot, you can't spot that guy, but you can spot that guy's haircut from a mile away. That dude came out the womb looking like that. There's also a handsome guy that, like, is obsessed with Erica Alaniac. That's Ken from Streetfighter.

That is Ken from Street Fighter. Right, yeah. He's a long-form college boy joke. Because when they're all about to mount up and, like, get the guns ready, he's like, I didn't want to do this. I came here for college. Which is bad, I guess. No, it is. It is. The educated are cowards.

Yes, of course. Of course. You want people as dumb as possible. So whatever. They all get together because they're drowning all the hostages to, you know, blah, blah, blah. It's Gary Busey's like masterstroke. And they're like, how do we smoke this guy out? And Gary Bucy devises like, well, if we threaten to drown all of his little kitchen buddies,

he's going to come out and save him and then we got him. I appreciated the masterstroke. Boehard as well. That was a good one. Oh, totally, dude. Scene 5, specifically, quality master's stroke. Carl Hung has really nailed that scene. You really want them to drown in that? Oh, no. Really? Also, a lot of master strokes in the audience for Boehard. Yeah, absolutely. Many of them. The Pee Weirman was there. Fred Willard was there. You know what? Here's the thing. That's not RIP Fred Willard. Sure. But the man didn't know how to do pornography on the internet. Like, you know

he's in his jeez. I've been trying. I've been trying. I forgot he's dead. Yeah, you really came and went. Awful.

Awful stuff. That is. I'm with the come on, man. You see what we live with, ladies and gentlemen? I love the man, but, you know,

he's dead. I never understand when that happens, by the way. That's a real, like, you get what you pay for. Right? You should be able to jack off. You're in a porno theater.

Someone agrees, yes. Thank you. Look, it's Fred Willard. How do you not have an assistant to be like? like, well, here, I'll show you how to get pornography. Yeah, that's actually true. I mean, unless he was, like, driving right up till the end,

like some of those old people, like, maybe you should, if it's a driver, like, oh, Mr. Willard, by the way, I know where I'm taking you and just remember when you get it, you can watch the movie, but it's called brazzers, not buzzers, brazzers. Well, I mean, it's like, to go with my Burger King analogy from earlier, it's like going to Burger King and you start eating a hamburger, like, hey, what are you doing?

Get out of here. Totally. Now, who are these, like, U.S. Marshals assigned to the pornos? The theater. And that's the other thing, right? Tommy Lee Jones is there? I was undercover, is what I was. That means someone's narking on him.

Someone's narcan on Fred Willard. I think so. It's fucked up. I want a perimeter looking for cum drizzles on any trousers and with a hundred yards. I want every porn house. It's got to be from U.S. Marbles. He's dressed as a chicken.

But whatever. He, you know, there's this big gunfighter. there's this fun part where Erica, the Pentagon calls Casey Ryback and like Eric Alaniac picks up, she's like, he's in a gunfight, I'll take a message. We have fun here, don't we folks? I don't need a can I take a message joke in this movie? That kind of sucks. Well, this is amazing because you learn like, well, you know, we're going to send the seal team five.

Seal Team Five, by the way. Seal Team five to you. And if we don't do that, we're blowing up the fucking boat. We should have done that at first, but you're Casey Rybeck and you make the best boolea base, I guess. So we're not blowing it up. Well, they don't blow it up

because of the historical significance, I guess. But a maniac has nuclear weapons like, I don't know, 100 miles from America. Let's blow up that boat. Something tells me history would forgive you. Exactly. So they send in SEAL Team 5. They're on this helicopter.

They use a rocket launcher from the deck to blow it up and thus Seal Team 6 was born. That's how they came into being. I don't think that's how that works. They've destroyed five of them and now's just six. I don't know that they go one at a time, though. It's not a sequel.

It's not. No, Sean Bean's team died. I see. Well, no, it's like the double O program, right? There's like 006 floating around out there, a W. It's not just the Bono until he gets executed. The best part of this little phone call

he takes in the middle of a gun fight is like, he's like explaining like, yeah, you're going to have to kill all these people and then we might even have to bomb you even if you do all this. He hangs up a phone. The admiral, this is the most old man thing I've ever seen in my life,

goes to another admiral. I was like, those people are in trouble. Real trouble. By the way, they got a lot of trouble on that ship. They would absolutely still blow up the boat. Absolutely. You're going to cover this fucking up.

You know, if Casey Rybeck lives, it's going to be in the news. If fucking Skrillex is all over the fucking news as like the fucking, the guy who did all of this, You don't want that. You don't want them to have somebody to follow. Can I ask you something? What?

Why did you pick Scrilex? What's his name? Stanix. Oh, Stannix. I thought you meant Scrillx. No, no, no, no. Oh, I see.

It was an ex-name. So, Tommy Lee Jones is actually Screlex? Yes. Underneath the helmet. Got it. I make Stubbstep music. You got like E.D.M. Oh, yeah, well, I'm dating.

I'm gonna get all these tracks. They're going trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap, trap. And so, like, whatever, they get blown up and they realize Stephen Seagall is gonna sink Gary Bucie's submarine, which is not the way I want Gary Bucie to go down. I want a fucking mono-e-mono fight. Yep, absolutely. Biggest, biggest, biggest insult in this movie is Gary Bucy is just like unceremoniously exploded on this submarine, not even on the main ship. No, it should have been teeth versus teeth.

Just bite each other to death and see who fucking comes out. Finally, a fight I could win. Oh, you think that's a bite, get ready for this? You might be a great cook, but you taste better than the food you make. A chump! Oh, you're a master of I keto, are you? I'm a master of bat. I'm a master of I eat you.

People chicken. People chicken. Garbuses people chicken now available at Burger King because I killed the manager I am now the manager motherfucker and we're cannibals here working my way up the food chain

he just gets blown up it's like this nice scene of like the team working together which doesn't really matter they're trying to fix the sub because it breaks a part of the sub that makes it not be able to go underwater can you tell I have no idea what I'm talking about

can we talk about Stephen Sagan when there's like something, something he has to go into a different room. It's where they're making the platform to move the missiles. And he just splits this dude in half with a fucking steel bar. Oh my God.

It rules. Oh my God. It bifurcates this dude. It's incredible. And that is the death for Busey. Exactly. Right? Either that or that other.

So it's like the most painful room in the movie. He splits up dude to the bar. He stabs a guy in the fucking in the armpit. And I'm like, dude, don't. You know what? Do me a favor right here. Right here, the heart. Whatever that, like, right here, if you cut someone's thigh,

whatever's going on there, he gets that, and that's like, you know, just let that dude bleed out at that point. But then it's like six to the armpit. My God, this fucking hunting knife. It's outrageous. What did I ever do to you, man? Like, again, yes, you have to kill me

because I'm a terrorist. I get it, but, like, a little respect. I like the guy that gets sawed. Oh, yeah. Saw guy. Well, because it's like, yeah, he gets like, the guy, again, that guy is down. And he's like, oh, motherfucker, I'm going to saw you in half.

Here's the thing. Steven Seagall knows that that table saw is there. Sure. And it's a table saw, by the way, that we have seen cutting these steel beams so sharp stuff. Uh-huh. Right? But as like a final indignity, he needs him in the nuts before he pushes him into the saw. And you can think he just like does it like a little bit into the shoulder.

You know he's like doing the math. Can I go all the way through? I had the time to cut this man in half I would have preferred a full push through I would prefer in my last moments on this earth again terrorist or no not wanting to throw up you know what I mean like

This is straight for the saw dude Exactly They've ruined his boulea base He's enjoying this okay They will hurt They will hurt now They will no pain That's how I motivate myself

To kill all these terrorists I just pretend all of them Ruin my boulea base Elaine there's like They start doing stuff At this point, one of the missiles that they fire off defends Tommy Lee Jones and he goes full on crazy here?

This is a weird, I don't know what he's doing in this movie after this point. One of these rockets launches off and he goes flying back. It is a pretty great effect. Tommy Jones, like, sliding across the deck of his ship and whatnot. But yeah, now he's just like, before it, you can see when you watch this performance like, oh, this is kind of the same stuff that he was channeling

when he played Tooface a few years later. in Batman forever, right? He goes full two-face in this movie right after that point, but he doesn't have a fucked up face, his ears just bleeding. That's like the only effect you have. I will say, I do appreciate

that they do keep with it, though. An injury like that on Jason Mamo, and he's like, whatever. Fuck it. Yeah, that's true. Here's a fine. But so now he's gone full crazy, and this is when he's going to New Conalulu,

and it's really exciting for him. And again, I think one of the guys in the Pentagon room was like, well, just blame that Casey Ryback. And I'm like, okay, great, but Honolulu is in cinders and on your watch. So I guess the idea is like the CIA doesn't want to admit that Tommy Lee Jones was trained by them and took over this thing. So we'd say this disgraced Navy SEAL who was now a cook took over the ship and nuked a million people.

Well, I assume they would make up some story for Casey Ryback, like he was a secret terrorist as well and he was a terroristing to terrorists dangerous loner exactly something like that and you could probably toss Busey into that too

you don't want anybody to know about Tommy Lee Jones because those are like secret programs but like Gary Busey he's like a publicly facing military officer you know you throw him under the bus it was a double cross on a double cross

anyway CIA good shut up goodbye a large tooth man nuked on a lulu this week we found their corpse is biting into each other. Somewhere around here is

a great kill that we were saying earlier today this could have gone to Busey. There's like some no-name guy that Steven Segal like punches in the stomach and then rips his throat out of his body. Roadhouse special. So good. Oh my God.

It's beautiful. I do like that in movies like that only happens once because even as you're doing it, it's got to gross you out. You've got to go, yeah. Jesus. I mean, that's what you can't think about the actual mechanics of such a move. Because when you do, good God. So, what do you do with the throat skin afterwards?

I'm just asking. I cook it. Yeah, it's the start of a dish. Your throat's underbaked. This throat's going to be some Canadian bacon. Sounds pretty good, actually. Mmm, terrorist throat. I mean, human flesh has to be good.

It's probably pretty okay. I love how you're so confident in that. It has to be. Because they're my favorite animal. That's very sweet, Eric, actually. Thank you. This is basically the big showdown between him and Tom Milly Jones, pretty much, right?

Oh, my God, one of the greatest fights in film history. If only this could go 25 minutes. Like, if you made this as long as the fight in they live? Yes. Oh, sweet day. Oh, sweet day. There's suddenly just a garbage can there. They're bashing each other.

weather would be fucking great. It's awesome, I just love a knife fight. Whenever a knife fight happens in a movie, I'm stopping everything. I'm like, hello, knife fight. Hi there. But it's also, it's such a rare, like, Stephen's like, oh, I'm sure, whatever, there's probably like 45 knife fights in his filmography. A Tommy Lee

Jones opponent in a knife fight, pretty rad. At least, too, because he's also in that movie The Hunt It. Hutt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Freitken joint. It's Fritken and, uh, or Freitken directed, it's him in Del Toro. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Slept through that in theaters. Well, you fucking miss the knife fight, dude.

No, I saw the knife fight. I was there for the knife fight. Okay, cool. I wasn't there for the first 55 minutes. And a knife fight into wood, it's even better. Any movie has a knife fight, I'm having a good time. So, yeah, all these, like, old dudes are, like, killing people, which is kind of great. He gets, like, this guy who is, like, he says that he was, like, a gunner in World War II to start.

And, you know, here's the thing. A bunch of old-timers, like, getting back in the saddle. Pretty awesome. They are delighted to be taking lives again. Yeah, I could take more souls with me to hell? I mean, like, I just kind of wanted to see a few

like, they're in the middle of a fucking terrorist raid, and like, no, none of these old guys is like, whew. Dude, yeah, Roger Padacta should have to sit down at one point. But, oh, the thing that we learn, and again, it's totally like mentioned

and then glossed over completely, and it is an interesting detail, is that apparently Seagal served under Tommy Lee Jones. They see him, and it's like, he says something about like, oh, I didn't expect to see you here or whatever. And he's like, that's right, sir? And I was like, oh, commanding officer situation. Is it that kind of a sir?

Or is it just like a real asshole? Like, hey, sir. We really don't know, right? Did he help take the sub? It was just like three months ago. I was in a different place then. Now I'm a cook. Oh, that's right.

Tommy Lee Jones was hired by our own government to, like, decommission, Korea trying to rebuild the French submarine, and he just stole it. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, at the Pentagon, they're like, so would this guy know how to take over a battleship? And the guy's like, I don't know how to tell you this.

He is a battleship specialist. That's actually all he's done for us. It's just take over battleships. Formal title is Battleship Thief. If you're heard of the Red October, that was him. So... But they have this weird... back and forth about what it is

to serve in the military and, like, Seagal, not the best actor, he's like, we're all just puppets in the same sick play. You know, we're not so different you and I. What's the next cue card say? What's the next cue card say? It's something about like, yeah, we all serve the same

master, something like that. And he's cruel and ungrateful, and I hate America's just as much as you. And it was so weird. I was like, are you talking about George H.W. Bush right here? It's either that or just like Uncle Sam on the whole. it's a weird line but they hate somebody

They do HW's cruel man Come on Tommy Lee Jones Maybe we can get you A deal A deal, maybe we could get you a deal Hey poppy Steven Seagall's talking smack about you

In the movie I'm gonna call cut That guy's gotta move fucking faster With the cute cards I'll break it I'll rip his throat When the card is over Flip that shit

Flip it faster You're making me look like an asshole Oh man I love this part of the movie This is my Bill Clinton that doesn't work. Oh, I thought it's Tommy Lee Jones. It doesn't matter, folks. This is a podcast. I don't know if you know that.

I hope you know that. It just hurts you can see us do this. It's a much nicer when it's just a barrier here. You can close your eyes and it'll make you feel like you're at home. You can feel like you're washing the dishes. The big hologram face was supposed to be here out this whole time. We were supposed to be back there. But greatest death of all time

Or one of the It's like in my top 10 movie deaths, I think Tommy Lee Jones, man is this awesome Baby, this is like a fake head, right? Like there's like a... Oh, sure, totally. It's right out of the prowler. Oh, yes, the eye first, yes.

He does the thumb in the eye. You know what's more boss first though? Tommy Jones has his like butcher knife He's ready to Michael Myers The shit out of Sagall right here. Stephen Zagal takes this knife in his own mouth And like a dog

like just rha, it's like, rips it out of his hand. And then the eyeball and then the knife to the head and the final disgrace of being thrown through a television monitor. My God, that's awesome. You want to know how I got these scars? I got him by biting a knife one time. Truly a sampler platter of a death.

Just you get all the good stuff. It is really, dude, yeah, the mozzarella sticks, the potato skins, the jalapeno poppers. They're all there in that death. To Eric's point, though, I do want whatever dummy that they made for Tommy Lee Jones's head. I would pay like fucking 20 grand for that.

Yeah, well, good luck, man. That's it. The Charlotte Planet Hollywood, man. Got that fake Tommy Lee Jones head. Someone stole the knife, though. So it's just a weird Tommy Lee Jones head with a hole in it, man. Memorobilia.

I would make any trip to see that and any planet Hollywood to see that head. Did you guys ever get one of those fucking things when they were around? No, Charlotte never had one. That's too bad. Myrtle Beach, I went to that Myrtle Beach one number of times. I'll tell you what, nude Sylvester Stallone, frozen in jelly,

as you walked into the restaurant. Look, you want to make people hungry. What are you going to do? Yeah, man, I look up in my own naked body, frozen in jelly, and I think, hmm, spicy chicken sandwich immediately. I told you, human flesh, it's got to be good. They just look up at them and like, did they serve cake here? you know what I was always pissed off

that they never asked me to be an investor in Planet Hollywood I'm going to call up Jackie Chan and Dolan and do Galaxy Hollywood that's even better I think Jackie I think Jackie was involved in Planoxite the bitch because there is a great

I think it's somewhere there's a fabulous photograph of a legendary action star Jackie Chan wearing like a Planet Hollywood Hawaiian shirt to some ribbon cutting horse shit oh it's a great picture they didn't like my idea for a dungeon Hollywood

I really pushed it Arnold wasn't into it Look it's one of my sex dungeons It's in a basement But it's got a bunch of memorabilia everywhere man So we'd have to go down the list for Galaxy Hollywood It'd be like Dutnikov or something Oh dude yeah yeah

Oh shit now it's just not even a restaurant So it's a knife and it's from what movie I don't know what that is So it's just a knife okay Maybe we get that Liam Nishin kid Maybe he'll be an action star someday Oh, cool, your sweaty t-shirt from American Ninja 4. Liam Neeson's wardrobe from Kroll.

Oh, that would be perfect. This is he in Kroll, people. Oh, there we go. So this movie's just about, oh, was Liam Neeson in Kroll? Is that what you just saying? Yeah, he was, trust me. Yeah, he's in Kroll. He's definitely in Kroll, my God.

I've seen Kroll a bit. He's young. We end with, Kew-ball is released from prison, thank God. Kew-ball, Kew-Ball. Coming up. this fall, it's K-ball, find out what happened after he got released from that closet or whatever. And he's like, hey man, you want me to do a move?

And he's like, I'll show you a move. I'm going to forcibly make out with Erica Eleniak. And she has no idea it's happening. Dude, that was what you call a Seagall surprise, my friends. He just grabs her by the back of the hands. Like, what is you? Oh, yeah, show us some of the movies.

Here's one move. Wow, the gall of that guy. The seagull. I mean, she makes a face like she just licked the bathroom floor You can see this poor woman swallowing vomit and she's like, why did I ever leave

Baywatch? Ooh, sexy. Even Hasselhoff never pulled that shit. They clearly become an item because she's also at the captain's funeral. Dude, this tacked on, everybody's got a different haircut fucking funeral scene. Get out of town with this. It's awful.

I mean, the only thing is like you realize like Casey Ryback has indeed grown as a character. Like, this is some great screenwriting here. This is. Because he's wearing the dress uniform, right? The dress uniform that he pooh-pooed at the beginning of the film. The captain is now murdered. He's going to put on the uniform.

And I gotta say, Stephen Seagall in this dress uniform, not too shabre. Or the 1992sigal. If I had that many ribbons, I'd wear them to bed. That's what the captain says to him earlier. I mean, this was way before he started wearing like only designer parachutes as his I mean it's been bad

he's been widening for quite some time now I don't even think he's been getting fat it's just wide it's but think about the force that that can bring unbelievable you can't you do a fucking

something yeah there was something I think you know what dude hey I got nothing else excellent well there was a thing there was some video that got passed around

and it was like he still got it and Stephen's got like kicking some tiny guy over and I was like well of course he's still tall like what got what a foot he's just going to the

Russian Safeway kicking people he's still got it you know if he's listening to this I just want to let him know come back come back to the United States well we should mention briefly I mean they're talking about this like reboot that like literally just got announced a couple days ago because of this show everyone

was so high yeah that's exactly what did they get Tom Hanks back no not Captain Phillips you see I'm talking about under siege the film we've been speaking about for an hour and a half but if like Segal isn't involved I mean it's not like Casey Ryback is like Indiana Jones who gives a shit no like you're just going to make a different movie just make an action movie with whoever is going to play him

preferably not Chris Pratt you know you could just set a movie on the boat without paying rights for it exactly that was a canny thing they didn't make Casey Ryback Italian so Chris Pratt won't play him oh but you can rip off diehard any way you want to you don't have to like call it the other die-hard rip-off, you know? But that is the end of the film Under Siege, everybody.

So we are going to have to wrap it here, but we want to thank you all for coming out very much. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you, guys, really. Thank you so much. We've had, we all collectively as a human society have had a really shit-ass 20 months. So we just want to try to send as much positivity out

your way and all that good stuff. Big thanks to the comedy zone for having us, of course. Hey, guys. I know all of you all have been closing out your tabs and whatnot. Tip generously and tip off. And, of course, these people are working their asses off while we come up here and just spew this nonsense for 90 minutes. So big thanks to them for having us.

But, of course. Babel and bullshit. Yeah, that's right. You're doing a bunch of babbling bullshit. Babbley bullshit, booie be. What is this, our iTunes reviews? it's a bullshit bully base I will say though

you may know I actually asked this question really quickly has anyone seen us live before all right you folks know maybe new to some of y'all we'd like to end this with just a couple of notations from the greatest place to find intelligent

grounded film writing on the internet the IMDB user review section. We've got a couple here to read for you this evening. The first one up, 10 out of 10 stars. Subject line,

Best movie ever? Written by L. Asshole, or L-A-S-Hole? I don't know. Wait, no, is the name actually L-A-S-Hole? No, no. L-D-A-S-L-F-E-F-E.E-L-F-E-V.

Oh, L-E-R-I-R-I-I-R-I-I-W, I would have been impressed. I think that's one the stars of Boehard. Oh my God, they got L. asshole for Boat Hard? Posted to the internet March the 10th, 2008.

I was listening to my Depeche mode. Fuck yes, by the way. Yeah, great band, but what? My Depeche mode. Are they locked in the basement? Seagal style? Keep playing!

I'm the violator now. Reach out and rip throats. Boom, do, do. My Depeche Mode When my friend came into my apartment and threw a laser disc of under siege in my face.

Dude, this fucking rules. But hang on, hang on, just hang on a second. Hang on a second, hang on a second. A friend is barging into an apartment with a laser disc. What year? 2008. Wow.

And the guy must have said, the fuck am I going to do with this? First of all, you're not writing in the New Yorker. It's the fucking IMDB News Review. You don't need to, like, start with setting the scene. Dude, it's like recipe blogs. I don't give a fuck what your grandmother did. Tell me how to make this chicken.

Yes. He threw me the laser dicks, and then I incorrectly tried to put it on my turntable. It didn't really work. I'm going to tell you that. Quote, dude, you've got to watch this. And this is the insane part. I put it in.

This guy just had a laser dick's deck in 2008. That he could just put something. It wasn't like, I had to go to my garage. I had to get the dust off of this box, hook this stupid thing up. No, no, no. I put it in. Coming up after the game,

Laser Disc Buddies, the new sitcom, Brian's got a laser disc of Under Siege. Laser Disc Buddies already canceled, but we are playing the episodes nonetheless. We are contractually obligated to play everything that they shot. So it gets weirder. Okay. Dude, you've got to watch this.

I put it in. Turned off my people are people cassette tape. Woo! By the way, you said I put it in so much, which actually was the most popular line in Boathard. Oh, that's...

Yeah. Uh... I'm gonna keep saying that until people leave. Okay. Was this... Did this take place on Doc Brown's fucking time-traveling train?

The fucking cassette tape, the laser disc? And then Abraham Lincoln was like, cool. Marty, we got to watch Under Siege on Laserdiscs. What does Seagal become an asshole or something? Yes? Yes, he does, Marty.

Moving on. Much worse, Marty. He's a traitor to our people, Marty. Cassette tape and sat down for what I call, quote, the second coming of movie Jesus. All right, all right. The first coming being diehard. After this film, I asked my friend to help me to the bathroom.

And this guy has to be being seetious. He's fucking around. He's fucking around. I think he baited me. Did he get hit by a trank dart? Help me to the bathroom because I had just soiled my leather pants. Oh, okay. This is the kind of movie that makes you absolutely sure that God exists and that he is in this movie.

Watch it. It's what Dave Gahan would do. he's the dude that sings in Depeche Mode I imagine somebody who'd be like I don't know about this movie but this Depeche Mode band sounds pretty good Maybe we'd try them Spin a little couple of them songs

Talk to movies All right here we go We got one more here for you this evening This is a much shorter one One out of ten stars Subject line Disgusting By Megan

18584 written May the 4th 2021. Wow. So instead of watching Star Wars on May the 4th, Megan's watching Under Siege for the first time.

You know, honestly, maybe it's a better movie. They lost me. What a disgusting movie. I thought I was going to watch a war movie which has all these beautiful deaths everywhere where, like, kids get mutilated all over the place.

See, but war, it feels justified for people, but there's, I don't know, it's a little much. Yeah. I thought I was going to watch a war movie, but instead, this movie is for disgusting men. We are weed hate movies from New York City, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. We'll see you next time, Charlotte.

Bye-bye. Hey, everybody. That was a hit-gum podcast.