We Hate Movies - S13 Ep645: Bram Stoker's Dracula

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

On this episode, the gang closes out We ❤️ Movies month with a banger episode on Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula! In the last great Coppola film, how incredible is it that they went so balls-to-the-wall with the sets, costumes, score, performances, cinematography, transitions, practical effects, et cetera? Does Sir Anthony Hopkins think he decided on doing a single accent in this movie or does he know it's three at once? How about that werewolf sex scene? And how cool are Dracula’s Gen-X sunglasses? PLUS: Introducing Professor Abraham Van Helsing and his noble Army of Dudes! Bram Stoker's Dracula stars Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Keanu Reeves, Richard E. Grant, Cary Elwes, Billy Campbell, Sadie Frost, Monica Bellucci, and Tom Waits as Renfield; directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Perfect for your holiday shopping—check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new SW Crispy Critters, MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna? & Mortal Kombat designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program get ready to bathe in blood and break out them bad accents because we're talking bram stokers draculia i'm andrew jupin the children of the night stephen say that eric ciscus gris gabin bad way love movies Hello everyone. Welcome to We Love Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. This beautiful little month we plan comes to an end. Unfortunately. We love movies. We'll be back talking. We're tuning in. As always, that's right. This beautiful little month we plan comes to an end, unfortunately. We'll be back talking. We'll be back talking. about shitty movies next week. But for now, here we are. Bram Stoker's Dracula from 1992, directed by Frankie Ford Coppoli himself. It's Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula. Indeed. That's right. Yes. And I think this is also, it's, it's apt because this is kind of the end of his career. After this, it's Jack. Jack. Now, Jack, we should definitely

investigate one day we're going to do when we're far enough from the Williams fallout I never know when that's going to be dude here's the thing I think in another in 2024 is it going to be 10 years do he die in 2014 I forget that sounds right 10 years we could start doing his movie that then we're getting back into the business he's got some of those gems like jack is about a dying man that's turning into a baby a baby boy man yes decaying or whatever yes it has 14 so 2024, we can get back on doing Ryan Williams.

It has forward to, folks. Yes, it has the man himself, Bill Cosby in it. Oh, that's right. Bill Cosby is the doctor. Oh, my God. Well, stay tuned for Robin the Grave Williams month. Yes.

Coming up in 2024. The theme months back in style. And then it's like the rainmaker. And then it's these, those three like late ones that he did. That nobody saw. I mean, the one I saw was Youth Without Youth, I thought was pretty good. I haven't seen Tetro and I haven't seen Twixed.

But I would say, generally speaking, this is when it ends. I thought Youth Without Youth was okay. Twix I didn't see, but I understand it's a delicious candy bar. Oh, yeah. Well, he can do the score for that. I believe he did. Oh, yeah. It's pretty cool.

And I was like, oh, I'll check that out. And then I ever did. And then, like, he's coming back with this Metropolis movie, which apparently is finally in production. Megalopolis. It just started shooting like the other day, I think. Yeah. The sequel to Metropolis.

it's mega it's bigger it's funny adam driver is just checking off the autur like checklist he's going to get the last michael man he's going to get the last copel up probably what are you cursing michael man for i just he does he gets so few movies made he better get his waterboard shoes on if he wants to work with katherine bigelow this is a wild ass cast for this megalopolis i'm not going to read it but if you go to i mdp there's a lot of it's a big old thing you know uh wildcast in this film as well very wild cast in this movie. Dracula, well, no, Francis Ford Coppola's, Bram Stoker's, Dracula. 1992.

1992, starring Gary Oldman, Keanu Reeves. Indeed. Winona Ryder. Come on. Sir Anthony Hoppe? Absolutely. Now it's going to get fuzzy. Press three for theater.

Tom Waits just fucking taking a literal mile. Coppola was like, here's an inch. No, I want a mile. Gonna get the whole mile, baby. It's funny. I think, because I saw this movie, like, when it came out, basically. And I think it was on video, like, 93 or 4 I watched or whatever. But I didn't see in the theater, sadly.

But Tom Waits has always ingrained in my head. I thought his role was even bigger here, revisiting it today. I was surprised how minimal it is, but it's so viscerally ugly that it's stuck with me. I mean, that's the thing. Everything about this movie is huge. just over over I mean I just love like that's what's great about it is it's overdue I mean there's it's good that there's so much scenery because everybody's stuffing in their mouth yes but it's not just scenery dude it is like incredibly impeccably crafted scenery everything about this movie is like

it's weird in a way it feels like a Guillermo del Toro movie with like the amount of craft and like precision set making and everything like this movie looks incredible the backdrops look incredible, the map paintings look incredible, the sets look and they did such a banger job. And he wanted to go on location and they were like, nope, way too expensive. Do it in the studio. And I'll tell you what, once in a blue moon, you get a good smart studio note. And this is one of them. Francis, we remember the last time

you were on the location. Totally. We know, we've read the book. There's a book written about it, Francis. I am not getting into some fucking quagmire with you, Francis, where you're there for two years and no cocaine. What did I say? No cocaine. Frankie, baby, there was a documentary made about you going insane over there. Okay, buddy. So why don't we just cut the shit? But like all the stuff, the crazy, like the big book and the little toy train behind it. Yeah. Apparently all done practically and not computer wise, which if they went on location, I could see them be like,

yeah, we'll do that later. Oh yeah. Even the scene when Monica Balucci comes up from the bed was like staged by a magician because we're just so fucking like that's how but I mean that's what and you can see that stuff though like you don't know what you're like it's really like oh wow how'd they do that or like

isn't that cool well I would have liked to see her get sawed in half maybe some disappearing act would have been cool if Cardo Reeves took out a couple of rings you know and smashed them together and then all of a sudden they were chained up maybe if Keanu

Reeves asked the audience punch me in the stomach as hard as you can and forgot to seize it right for that one moment and that young college student could just destroy him and Matthew Perry could be happy. Punch me in the stomach as hard

as you can. Why don't you do that? Hello? Am I in a movie yet? Jeez. You know, nothing but love for Keanu. Of course. We loved him but love last week with Point Break.

And I love the guy. It's just the accent. It's like, I don't think the performance is bad. The accent is bad, I feel. I mean, I think what's good about it is that much of this movie is taken from silent film, like the way it looks, all those things. He has the right look for a harken. Like, he's very, like, delicate in this until the end.

And I actually think he gets much better towards the end. And there's so much crazy in this movie, it works. You know what I mean? There's so many crazy. crazy spinning play. It's like Hopkins is on fucking, I don't even know what. Demerol. The dude is fucking nuts in this movie. Is this what he did after Science of the Lambs? Yep. Yeah. So yeah, he's got fucking big dick out. I mean, swing it in everywhere.

I mean, talk about accents. This dude cannot decide if he wants to play Van Helsing as an Englishman or as a fucking German guy. Yes. Because both accents are prevalent in this performance. Is that like maybe he was thinking that through like this is a worldly guy. he's been hunting vampires. No, no, no. I think it's just I just, I starred in the movie everybody saw just now and I won an award for it. This is

a dick first performance. He doesn't have to think about shit like that. Or maybe he's trying to like mix up his accents because he's like, well, I see what Keanu's doing. He's doing some California, London thing. Got to match your energy. Yeah, can't have this young kid showing me up. But yeah, Hopkins is wild.

I mean, he does the opening narration and he's also the priest, but then he, Yeah, the pre, I think the priest thing is just one bite of the apple too many. I like the narration. I like him as Van Helsing. But then it's just like, I guess we're all reincarnating. I don't know. There's something appealing about that to me because, you know, the whole thing about, you know,

Mina resembling Draculia's wife, you know, is not in the book. But where that does come about is in the, um, the, the, Boris Karloff mummy movie and like he gets reincarnated and then he's like or he gets you know risen or whatever and then he sees this lady who is the same actress who you know played her in the in the prolog and it

kind of ties it a little bit to like the cheapness of the universal world that's true that's true I always just start thinking about like vertigo then oh it's like why don't you do your hair like her but it's also this movie is also so stagey you know what I mean that's a very stagey thing to do that's very that's very

swap-up characters, especially for the Hopkins bit. And also, this is the whole, like, the condemnation of the priest. Yes. And that's what Van Helsing is for vampires as well. So there's a mirror there as well. Yeah, it didn't bother me so much. And, like, just the general theme of, like, time going on and on cycles, such and such. I hate that.

But, like, yeah, I won't meet two. It's the worst of the worst. So, I mean, we, we meet our boy, Dracul. Or is it's Ivan now still? or Vlad. Vlad. And he is impaling. We do see an impalement

really early on in the movie. The score is fucking whipping out of the game. And this fucking sequence, this fucking red armor he's putting on to go fight the Turks. So fucking rad.

Pre-flayed. It's nice. Yeah. The guy who did the score is Wojek-Kilar, rest in peace. But it's an amazing. Dare I say,

pulse pounding score in this movie and all the shit here in this prolog it's the whole story of Dracula's origin again not in the book created for this movie and you know elsewhere obviously but not in literally Bram Stoker's Dracula but I love all the fucking shadow play

and the way that they orchestrate this whole thing one sure it's a budgetary way to shoot a battle in a fucking studio in Burbank or whatever but like it looks awesome I kept thinking about because I think they did at one have a similar idea. Remember, whatever that episode of Trek was,

we talked about a couple months ago on the Nexus, where it's a season three episode and they lost all the money and it's the Western world, but it's very sparse. Right, yes. Coppola wanted to do something similar with the sets. Specter of the gun. Yes.

And make it very, like, dreamlike and whatever. They were like, nah, please build rooms. You know what I mean? But, like, even still with that, I got that vibe of that episode from this. Why do we need, we don't need roofs? Why, we need roofs? they know that's there

he's trying to make Dracula goes to Dogville which he's trying to do you know visually this movie kept reminding me of something I've been meaning to revisit which is Terry Gilliam

is the Adventures of Baron von Moonshausen which is also a Turk the Ottoman Empire is also the enemy well what's so interesting about like I just rewatch that movie

it's really good still even though I know the whole thing with Uma Thurman not so great yeah yeah there's problems but problematic fave not Emma Thurman she's in the movie

you're talking about Munchausen Sarah Polly Sarah Polly sorry So what is different from like usual Dracula is very glacial Like there's an eerieness They're trying to pump up And what he does is he goes

Right directly in the face of that He's like no quick Yeah move this thing Keep it moving at all case Like I don't think I've seen a movie That just goes so quickly as this movie does The pacing is well done which is funny because I actually got panned for that

when it came out. I was reading that Empire magazine said it was an overlong bloated adaptation, which a two hour and eight minute movie in 1992 was an overlong bloated thing. Wow, that's simpler times, folks.

No, you know, what you want is the Dracula Netflix series. You'll spend 11 hours watching it. And nothing will happen. I can't wait from the crossover with Lucifer on NBC. Oh, you're not going to believe whatever that was.

In the finale, they revealed that he's Dracula. Maybe now I'll drink blood in episode 11 of Netflix. Did you watch this? Dracula. No, no, I'm making this out.

No, but there was some Dracula show. Oh, it was Jonathan Rees-Myers. That was an NBC show from like five or six years ago. It sucked shit. Of course it did.

It sucks shit. You can't do the weekly adventures in Dracula. Oh, no. You can just have to up. you know for a hip young crowd you're in L.A. He's a doctor now Dr. Acula and

you know he's getting pages he's going to the tennis court. I think I mean this movie is very of its time too which is like there's a lot of 90s influence not just because Winona and Keanu which does Gen X feeling film in a good way.

Reading about the whole casting stuff with Keanu and Winona Ryder is interesting because it does feel in a way cynical that it's like these two were the hot young properties at the time, put them in here. See what happens. Yeah. They're fine. I think Winona's really good. Kiano, again, I like him more as the movie goes on, but in these first scenes. Also, it works that he's so weak because character is weak. That and Gary Oldman is so big as compared to him and so like furious and in your face. I love it that she kills herself due to some Turkish fake news. Dude, yes.

Totally. Big news arrows. Someone sends a fucking arrow through her window with a note on it that's like, by the way, your husband was murdered.

And she's like, all right. You can believe everything you'd read on an arrow, dude? Come on. Yeah. Come on.

No way. I mean, maybe somebody got a $8 Twitter account and said like, hey, I have the arrow. Oh shit.

Well, it's the fucking leader of the Romanian armies starred off arrows. that's him. That's his arrow. Princess, please, please stay. Don't throw yourself off the balcony. Just wait for our arrow fact checker. He's going to come in here and check it up. Just a couple of weeks. Glenn Kessler, he's here. He's ready to go. Oh, yeah. Like, just wait for that fucking body to be brought

back or something. I mean, like, it's really quick. And like, yes, it's one true love. And I guess I'll never love anybody so much that I got to chuck my self off a bridge after I read an arrow. the effect of her going over that, which is fucking great. All the falls are really good. There's a couple of them. They're all really done well. Also quick, and again, to your point, Chris, it's because this movie is really fucking moving, especially this prologue. Like Anthony Hopkins,

you know, he's the priest and it's, you know, it's a Christian-based thing. So guess what? You commit suicide. You're damned to hell forever. He is immediately ready to fucking, he curses and abandons God. He's like, fuck everything. he was on the edge

to begin with I'm guessing. Very true, but like at the same time, certainly the Hopkins character you know, the priest. Yes. What do you do? Give him a fucking hour. You're damning her soul. That's a good point. Just be like, oh yeah, Nomina Potcha, but I would bury her

the week. If he comes back and he's like, so she's going to be in heaven right now, well, actually it's been a week. She's going to be in hell forever, actually. She's at rest. Let's just say that. She's at rest. She's no longer suffering here in this Romanian town on earth. It is fucking great, though, when Oldman has the freak out, he definitely punches Anthony

Hopkins, like in the face, boy, a priest get in the face, not too shabby. Now, when you stab a cross right in the middle and it starts bleeding, even in this fury rage, aren't you just a little surprised? Like, what the fuck would be. And that's what's interesting about it, he drinks that blood and then he becomes a vampire. It's like he had this freak out And God made a new thing just for him Yeah, that's how bad the freak out was

God was like, oh man, he's pissed, huh? Well, you did impel all those people So I guess I'd get you something I think he just caught God on an off day Where he's like, I don't know what, dude, fuck you too You're gonna live forever and you're gonna I don't know, turn into a bat sometimes and missed Yeah, you don't like garlic

And I don't know, you can't see yourself in a mirror anymore How about that? Keep talking. Man, I was making a new kind of whale over there. You can't be doing shit like this. You got to give me some preparation. Oh, little man likes running his mouth, huh? Well, now for the rest of your days, which are forever, by the way.

Your shadow's out of sync with your body. Oh, yeah, tough guy. Fuck you. You got to sleep in dirt forever or else you're going to die, you bitch. Okay, maybe I overreacted. You can control the shadow. It will do what you wanted to do. It could be a second you, kind of.

I do like that. I think at the end, God forgives him. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's nice. God's like, you know what? We all overreacted. You know, we all said things we didn't mean.

I was having a messy afternoon 450 years ago. You know what? I as God, I'm sorry, too, Dracula. I'm not sorry for those fucking Turks, though. But for you, yes. Well, he was, you know, a night in Christ's service. The Romani night. Yes, this god is like, keep him coming, Dracula.

Just love it all this huge body count. So we, you know, flash forward to London, 1897. And this is, we do, the first dude we meet in London is Tom Waits as Renfield in this nuttouse. Master. You just kind of keep expecting like a sousaphoed to be behind him. It just sounds at the beginning of a Tom Waits song. Everything is like, to everything.

Everything is so weird. It's just like, you're expecting it to happen. Totally. Like that, what's a more recent Tom Wait's tune there? Chicago?

Yeah. It's got that big hawk and saxophone in it. Put that behind him in this Nuthouse cell? Totally. Master clap hands. Exactly. Clap hands.

Well, because he did the, we're all mad here song. That's right here, dude. You know, but he's, he's so fucking weird in this movie and so fantastic.

Oh, yeah. It just lets you know that it's not even like this ain't your mama's Dracula. It's just like unlike anything you've ever seen. Well, that's, I mean, there's so much that's like that, right? I mean, Tom Waits is in a Dracula movie. Yes. This Dracula movie ends with arguably a pretty good Annie Lennox tune. There's so many unexpected things like that that, you know, and I understand it's

Coppola directing it so it's not like a Gen Z. filmmaker, but it very much feels like and again, it's, you know, because of the cast maybe, whatever, but it is like, it is a super 90s drag. It's very gen X. I mean, fucking Dracula's like one of the spit doctors for half the movie

with these purple sunglasses. Oh, yeah. They're kind of cool. I mean, they are. Especially for London at the time. I bet no one else was sporting those. Oh, totally. He's the only one on the block with them shades. So, Rebel. Jonathan Harker's company is like, all right, so

the last guy we sent up there came back totally fucking nuts, but dude wants another building and we need someone to sign it. We need another notary here. And that's an interesting detail that they changed from the book is because like in other iterations and adaptations and the original source material

like Renfield's just a dude. Yeah. And he's crazy and you don't really know what the connection is. And he's definitely not Jonathan Harker's co-worker. But I do like this positioning of like, oh, well actually, you know, Kianna, this is a really good reason for you to just up

and leave for Romania because this is a good career opportunity. You know, I think this is happening again, right? There's a bunch of foreign vampires buying houses throughout this country, buying apartments throughout New York City. Oh, yeah. They're the Chinese vampires. Yes, Chinese, Australian,

I think, are some. Oh, sure. You know, I wouldn't be surprised of the Saudis. Look, some people need apartments for their cars, Eric. Yeah, okay? You need to be able. That's why Dracula needs Carfax Abby. Joey's the Carfax Abby. After that, he's going to

buy MetLife Stadium. Where is he going to put all these boxes of dirt, Eric? You answer me this. He's got all these boxes of dirt. Where else? Well, that's what, yeah. I mean, those, he's buying 10 houses in London. It's his, like, safe houses. When he's got five

stars on Great Thief Bloodsucker, he's fucking running into these houses, jumping into the dirt boxes. Oh, no, the helicopter. I must retreat to my Carfax you just improved that game so much if it was about vampires Oh dude great cheat code dude

Vampires you go That whole prostitute seeds totally different It's night all the time You're just going around stalking in the night You know Yes Jesus now they should Now as Jackie we would think he wouldn't be Patching the prostitute

But of course the 16 year old still playing He goes This is the great trait We see our first toy train Well hang on a second dude Because while that is magnificent what is also incredibly magnificent in this movie. We are

introduced to Mina, played by Winona Ryder. One of the horniest characters I've seen in a movie, rewatch or no, in at least the last couple months. You know what? I appreciate it. Oh yeah. No, she's so fucking horny

and she's just like, Jonathan, what do you mean you have to go to Romania? We're to be married. Do you understand how much I need to get dicked right now? I mean, she's, it's interesting, when you one of the horniest characters. I thought you're going to say comma is Sadie Frost's Lucy. Because that is the horniest character. She's horny. But when Keanu's like saying his goodbyes right here, she's like,

all right. Sit down for a second. And they just start tongue kissing in this garden. Like she's ready to rock and roll. Well, it's like this whole thing where I can't marry you because we, you know, my position is in from six. I want your fucking dick, dude. They're to give me shit about where we live. They're just fuck. No, no, no, no, no. Go. go over to Transylvania while Lucy tells me how she's fucking Carrie Elway's and Richard E. Grant and this, this Texan fellow.

Oh, Billy Campbell, the rocketeer himself. Yes, playing Quincy. Quincy Morris. Which is actually from the novel. There was a Texan in that. Well, because he was fleeing the United States after losing the Confederacy. Well, no, Bram Stoker was obsessed with Buffalo Bill, apparently. Really?

Not the, not the killer. Well, yeah, the killer. Well, she's a great. big vampire no uh because like he had that traveling he had this traveling show where he would go all around and like being in ireland and seeing this big cowboy he was just like totally enamored like holy fuck that's so cool I'm gonna put it in my Dracula book and that's why this guy sticks out like a sore fucking thumb and his and that's what's so cool about this

but that's what's so cool about this adaptation like so many times like well that doesn't fit that's just too bizarre to have this like no warts and all let's get Billy Campbell with the world's biggest mustache and a bowie. Well, that's what's interesting about it. It's like it's maximalist. Yeah. What if it's all bizarre? Yeah.

What if it's all goes to 11? Yeah. Oh, Van Helsing is just as crazy, if not crazy, or the Dracula. That's the movie I'm making. Yep. And like everybody, man, woman, dog beast, everybody's horny. I mean, this movie is a fucking trip, man. Right.

And funny, Carrie Elway's also interesting career arc of him being in this. and Shadow the Vampire in like 2000 or 2001. God, yeah, that's right. I think he played like the cinematographer under Mernow. Very good movie again. It didn't hold up as much as I thought it was.

Oh, really? I tried to watch it recently, but I couldn't find it in. Oh, yeah. That sucks. I have that on DVD. Bado, but no, but no, but now. Yeah, so he's like, oh, my dear Mina,

I miss you so much as I write on this train. All of this, you know, maps, model work eyeballs in the sky all of that him being stalked by the presence of Dracula like the whole way god damn it's cool

it's those like half dissolves on parts of the screen like the when Winoda is on under the train unbelievable yep I know that you you know you're you know a naive clerk from a London office

and you're like oh wow it's weird that I have to beat this guy in the middle of the night etc etc when fucking Sauron comes to pick you up and literally picks you up and puts you in a carriage. You're like, no, dude, I'm going back to London and getting a new job.

It's totally fine. What are what you could do? Just roam the forest and hope that you find another horse? You know what? I'm just going home. I'm turning around. The sun's going to come up eventually. This dude is 12 feet calling his metal fingers. Of course he needs to because there's

wolves out there. You know, you know, a wolf might bite his finger and now it's got armor. He's a real estate agent. Why don't you have a little adventure in your life. I am a real estate agent. Follow the Soron to the castle. I mean, when you think about the Todd Browning film, you know, that's Bella Legosi as the cab driver. But it's just like he's got a top hat and he's got a little bit of a too long turtleneck. And that's the disguise and that's it. And you're like, that's Dracula. That's cool. This fucking

one ring wearing motherfucker. I mean, the helmet also like from some of the angles when turns his head before you sort of realize it looks more like a knight's helmet. It looks like the fucking xenomorph head a little bit because the top of it's like going back in the curve. Very alien, not just aliens, aliens, but like from another world. And I think that's really a strength here

because then he's like trying to talk to him and looking out the window and it's just a cliff that we're driving on and it's straight down. It's scary. It's otherworldly. It's a good introduction to Transylvania. Is this how the Cisca household was? Is this the kind of drop we're talking about? It was, but then

calamity struck. And now I'm trying to restore the ancient grandeur. Oh, I see. Of course. And there's no laughing matter. The fall of the Cisca household. How dare you?

Full of Cicca, just boxes full of Cisca dirt. I just want to go to your place and there's a big fucking painting of you from like 1861. Looks like Albert Dirk. I wish, dude. Oh, Mr. Cisca, I've insulted

you with my ignorance. I'll bid you good dyes. I love he's Keanu's reading a letter from Dracula. And the end of it he's just like,

yours. D. Oh yeah. And apparently cash, cash. Because there's like, you know,

a shit ton of movies just called Dracula. Coppola wanted to call a D and then could you even imagine Francis Ford Coppola's D? I mean, it makes sense for this movie. Exactly.

It's all about the D in this film. Went to Transylvania and got the big D. I mean, he's thrown, fucking every that this is a kitchen sink movie every shot looks different he's trying all these weird there's just that one overhead when lucy and uh uh mina are running through the gardens where he's like the camera is just swinging back and forth yeah just because he wants it to yeah you know what i mean like it's creating chaos it's doing something it's not like it's not

for no no reason but i mean like again like this this movie never relaxes also we we talked about armor for a second we have to talk about the iconic weird red rubber devil suit that Drac is wearing back at the old day. Oh, yeah. It's great. This is a guy that was never going to turn on God, everybody. Everyone was fucking shocked. Dude. Well, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They're during this era, right? The Crusades, they were all covered in blood all the time anyway. These were murderous pigs that were the Christians. But some angels have horns, too. That whole suit is, and I think they have it at the moving image. Oh, you might be right, or they did. I don't remember, but I think I saw it. picture of it that said it was that fucking

Francifer Coruple's winery. So that's Oh really? Maybe it was just part of it then I know. Do you think he ever puts it on? He gets loaded. Oh, totally. Probably just the helmet. Yeah. I mean the helmet maybe. The robe. The Dracula robe, the big red one, he's definitely wearing that shit around the house. That big red one. So the last

time we were in Paris, we went to the Paris Cinematheque and they had this exhibit going. It's actually cool. Like that that institution is pretty much the Parisian equivalent of the moving image. And they had a big vampires exhibit while we were there. So it was like all sorts of, you know, various vampire pop culture things and whatever.

But one of them was the big fucking like cape coat that he's wearing with the long red train. And they had it all like, like, you know, strung out or whatever. It was long as fuck. And behind that is Jasper's Windbreaker from Twilight New Dawn or New Moon parted. You can ski the stuff right there on the collar. That's Peter. Oh, good eye behind that. Peter Ficelli's lab coat from the final movie. All right. And everybody on three. One, two, three. Mike Dexter. Excellent. Yep. And if you keep going this way at our great vampire exhibit. Yep. That's Leslie Nielsen's cape from Dracula dead and loving it, folks. Oh, and look just behind that in that case over there. You see the handgun and the badge and the police hat.

Yep. That's from acclaimed vampire-centric television series Forever Night. Wow. Oh, yeah. And there's the priest outfit from Leslie Nielsen's repossessed. They came together. It's kind of a package thing. And here's a VHS copy of Able Ferraras The Addiction. I don't know who left this year.

I did. It's Able Farras. That's why there's come on it. I get it. Got it. I had free time. Good movie. He's got a vampire maybe or like a goblin entity. he's definitely dodged death a bunch of times

and good for him so he shows up and Dracula it's the old man Dracula with all the makeup and the crazy old lady wig going on yeah they like the ass hair

yeah cool the two scoops man it's his thing I was like hey man I'm sorry you showed up so late I already ate so why don't you just eat a whole chicken in front of me I'll just sit down do that that sounds delightful after a voyage

here's a whole chicken you just pick out of whatever you want. No, I'll watch you. I'll watch you eat it. I don't want them. I mean, think about that. You get an Englishman. I would watch an Englishman eat now.

I don't know what the fuck that looks like. Oh, you left a little bit on that one. You want to, you mean, you don't want to be wasteful, do you? Finish the chicken. You're not going to bed unless you finish the chicken. Welcome to Castle Dracula for dinner this evening. I have prepared for you, my friend. four fried chickens

and the co. And if you finish it all, you get your picture on the fall. Hungry boy. Hungry boy. Now where did I put to my Polaroid camera? Now come on.

That has to count. There's nothing left there but bones and cartilage. Is that the great outdoors? Yes, sir. Yeah, this is where he offends him because it's kind of amazing. He's just like, yes, we were once

a noble, mighty race. There's something like, it's something about like oh yes we had falling out with the god oh yeah that sucks yeah the order of the dragon dracool and i guess it's dracula because he's the son of the dragon yeah draculia son of the dragon if i'm harkin here once i'm starting to hear order of the dragon i'm like oh boy okay dude um the moment when you know i'm a guest in this dude's house and like Sure, I make kind of a little, maybe a little inappropriate comment. Sure.

He draws a huge broad sword and puts it to my throat. Dude, you don't know how those Eastern Europeans do it. That's a lot of what this part is, which is actually interesting. It's like, oh, these weird Eastern Europeans, that's how they do it. They're monsters. That's a common greeting is sword drawing in Stavannia, putting a knife to your throat. That's just saying hello. But that's when he writes to me.

you know a few minutes later in the movie and he's like uh yeah so count dracula needs me to stay on for another month and teach him the ins and outs of how to live in london like dude that is if i'm mina i'm like oh he's fucking some other girl yeah yeah no but this fucking weird old pervert you get to this guy's house you sign the contract the night of or whatever maybe it's the next day and it's like yes but you also have to write uh write letters to everyone who will ever know you that you'll be here for a whole month. I'm like, well, this old pervert's going to make a move. That's awesome.

Gotta get ready to see this dude's dick. Is he sniffing the letters? What's this going to be? Oh, boy. She's a whole month with this guy. Or I would love if that actually happened and it was like an I'm too sexy montage because it's your early 90s. And it's Keanu being like, no, dude.

That's the one. That's the outfit, man. Well done. We finally cracked. You don't think that the tinted sunglasses are too much. No? I didn't think the cutoff jeans would work, but look at this. The buns.

He comes out in the traditional Dracula outfit with the medal. And Keanu's like, no, no, no. He's pointing back towards the dressing room. Back in, bra. Bit stuffy, bra. He comes out as the werewolf. Wobbly hand. I like

We're heads out with the Werewolf outfit though Oh more snarling I love that the snarling He comes out as a bunch of mist I don't know if people are going to get it man I mean I like it because I've been in this room With you for an hour

I'll tell you what man I can't see in front of me But I can see you brother And you look fantastic Dude when he goes to Like sign the contracts or whatever we get like this close up on Dracula's hairy palms

and I was like of course you're all alone in this castle like guaranteed the quote unquote brides of Dracula aren't providing much for old Mr. Oldman here he's just jerking off for centuries at a time really he's that nail on these ladies you're thinking I don't think so

dude I think it's like a yes the three of you sleep in the base and I have the rest of the castle they used to nail I think back in like you know, the 1700s or whatever. But now he's an older guy. He's trying to watch the sports game.

You know, you start older couples sometimes. You know, it's like they start to live in separate parts of the house. Oh, you know, that's sad. But I mean, he's clearly, they're trying to spice it up a little bit because, I mean, he brings a young, nubile man into their bed. That's true. He's hanging out on the ceiling. That part is amazing.

It's like, oh, yes, dude. I mean, this is when Keanu starts to realize that shit's fucked up. up with his place. Yes. He has the crate line. The great Keanu line is like, well, I wrote here in some crazy blue inferno.

Blue Inferno is not Keanu's best moment. No, definitely. But that effect was kind of cool. It was the blue flames. Oh, yeah. It was all right. You investigate every part of the house, but be careful.

There is one room that is the blowjob room. Just be careful not to enter the blowjob room. Oh, man. I'd be trying to open every door. Is this it? I'd be kicking down doors just in case it's locks. No, that is yet another bathroom. We have a nice bucket system going in this castle.

Oh, yes. I see you have found my blowjob room. You've also decimated 15 doors in my castle. It would be great. I could have actually just told you where it was. But sucking dick, honestly, great vampire activity. That thing is full of blood, right? Is that how that apparatus works?

That's got to be in some movie. Isn't that in Vampires Kiss? Is that where she bites? Or Delo of Blood, maybe? I don't remember. Vampires Kiss is not a real vampire, though. Oh, she is, though. She, right.

Yes. Does she mind a stick in that movie? I don't remember. I don't remember. But, or maybe it's once bitten. I'm thinking of those. Oh, maybe. Jim Carrey movie?

Oh, no, no. I'm definitely thinking of Vampires Kiss. You know what? Yes. Maybe there is a vampire blow. job. If you've seen one in your area, right in. There's one in this movie. She goes there. Shucks the blood out

of his cock. I mean, it's very pointed. She goes down and he screams out in pain and then pleasure. So there's at least a little bit of teeth. Well, that's the thing. It's like yeah, I guess he was fed on a bit. He gets fed on by by Dracula himself.

That's very nice, Hawk. And usually they go right through. Well, that's the cool thing is Gary Olman. So you're not going to kill him. you got to fuck him for what 14 weeks Hold on it's a 1990

took you on Reeves I understand I remember last year we had screening of point break let me get video camera out just to get

all the nice stuff I mean let me tell you when I was you know however old 13 whatever you know

my folks had this movie on VHS some younger younger than 13 but this scene was wow you don't say well because also you got a

1992 we didn't mention it Monica Balucci as the lead vampire bride here I mean this was because this was I'm watching this movie this was the first time

I ever saw like group sex on the street it was just like what is happening and I mean at the start of the movie you get a bunch of men being penetrated by spears

that's true impaled I do love like in the back forth of him staying there, like we go to London, it's not a lot of like Mina writing him letters or whatever. Looking at this naughty book with her

friend Lucy. Oh my God. Yes, this Arabian Nights book that's sort of like the Kama Sutra in this version, I guess. Yeah, it looks pretty hot. And you know, what you were saying before, Andrew, yeah, I mean this is really reflecting their repressed sexual society that it's like Tehe, oh my God.

Can you, can this even work? Yes, can they even, can a man and a woman even do that? Yeah. Because I was watching how old they're supposed to be but it's interesting to your point Eric because she's 21 like Lucy's 21 she says like that's a little old to be giggling and sexy books

you know what I mean? You're not allowed to fuck until marriage right? You're not allowed to masturbate or your hands will fall off whatever bullshit they're telling you. For international listeners it's like living in Indiana that's the vibe of 187 1890s

London. Poor fucking Jonathan Hark, I mean, he's getting, you know, drained daily here. And back home, yeah, Lucy is with three handsome men that she can, Mina could pluck any of them, really, if she wanted to. Yeah, the Joy Cuck Club, I call these three. That's very good. How long for that one? I just waiting for it, man. Because it's, yeah, it's, uh, Richard E. Grant is the, is this, uh, psychiatrist who's also, uh, charge of the asylum. You got Carrie Elway's as her actual fiance and then Billy Campbell

is the aforementioned Texan cowboy. With a big knife. Oh yeah. She's like, can I see your big knife? Oh, Quincy, please let me touch it. It's so big. And then it's like it's the bowie knife, yeah. Just let me feel the tip out. And before that too, when they're looking at the book or whatever, Lucy's like, oh, well, surely Mina,

Jonathan measures up, doesn't he? She's just like, we haven't even done hand stuff. Can you believe this just to be proper? You're going to get married anyway. We're all going to hell, dude. Guess what? Yeah, well, well, you can do all the Dracula shit you want. On your deathbed, you go, um, paradise, please.

That was bad. Can you let me in? I'm so sorry. Can you let me have peace, which means the goods stuff? You just do a dan, oh, a big, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry Bless me Father for I have sinned

It's my first time doing this Give me that free free pass But yeah So like That's going on Yeah Kiano's getting sucked to high heaven Oh yeah he is

You know what Like This is why I truly hate Airbnb Because you never know When you're gonna get stuck No that's first of all Never a blowjob room Box to check on that website

No no barbarian room No, but you never know, if you're going to get one of those Airbnbs where, like, the people are just up your ass the whole time. And Keanu's just trying to shave, having a nice little shave in the mirror, fucking door opens. There's Dracula with a bunch of sheets. Did you remember to take the trash out? Here's a list of chores. It's called House Rules. We recycle in this castle.

The Wi-Fi password is under the trinket on the table. I'm aware the air conditioning doesn't work. What are you going to do? The password is blood sucks, B-L-0-0-D-S-U-X-X-X. Isn't that clever? Do remember to log into your own Netflix account. It is your responsibility to log back out of all smart TV apps before you leave. Remember that is

R, R, R.netflix.com. Oh, man. There's all these surgery shows on my Netflix now. A lot of bloods. Anything with the word blood in it. Do you think he could watch those and just like jacket or something?

Like, oh, man. You just get his like, it's like watching. It's like watching triple me for us. You get really hungry. Like, oh, that looks like, oh, that looks good. Oh, I could be eating that. God damn, that looks good.

Dracula could be like a guy Fieri. for that stuff, you know. You're rolling out. Triple B. Blood and babes and another B. Boys. Boys, of course. I do not discriminate.

But so, yeah, like, whatever, he winds up leaving him in the blowjob room. But his prize for the brides is one baby to eat. Oh, yeah. It's so good. Where do you get that baby? Town. Yeah.

It's just a town. baby like he walked in you know like some fucking peasant house you know he's like oh looks like the master of the house has not been wrapping it up in sheepskin you have way too many children i'll take one of your hands oh come on i'm going to adopt him yes you live in my boss is my ward this is a really bad like when kianu sees them like chowin down on this baby he's like they're having a California cheeseburger, no. That better be just cans. I'm telling myself it's, it's not just cans.

It wasn't cans. Now Harkin. He was just consumed with love. See, it's. Gary Oman's laugh here is great. Oh, yeah. Yeah, laughing at his horror of the event. And in another.

like just a spectacular move because why not add these transitions in as well we introduce Iris outs and Iris out on him laughing and then it opens back up on Mina I think but it was like hot damn one of the most cartoonish artificial

transitions you could do brilliant meanwhile back at Richard E. Grant's crazy house where Renfield is he's starting to get ready and he's going to call, because Lucy's starting to get sick, right, around now? No, not yet.

No, he's got to get to. Oh, yeah. The part where you're introduced to Richard E. Grant, like, in the sanitarium is the scene where you do get Tom Waits eating, I think, real, like, maggots or whatever. The bugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he puts it on his lip and then you see it moves and he eats it. And I was like, that guy would eat a bug. Now, I have been really championing for us since Eric bit me on the nose to get.

get face prisons. Oh, my God. Do these boxes? Oh, man. I think you should definitely wear a giant box on your head, Chris. I bet you, uh, I bet you fucking Jim Pembrey wished he had one of those. That's a good point. It's so funny that put that on the guards and not the prisoner, but hey.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess if you're going into the room. Yeah, if it's just like you're in there for two, two minutes or something. But Richard E. Grant is like too much of a badass. Yeah. Seward. He doesn't wear one. He says, oh, I have to create a new term of lunatic for you, Mr. Redfield. It would just be funny if every scene

after this, Richard E. Grant has increasing amounts of bites all over his face and neck. Just little marks everywhere. It's nothing much at all. It's no bother. When Dracula breaks up that Keanu 4-way, too, that's like a real paranormal cock-block, dude, because that door flies open. He's literally flying and screaming right there. And he's throwing ladies on the wall

and they're just standing on the wall sideways. It's awesome. But then he stays there for like three more weeks like what? You know what? Tomorrow I'm leaving. I'm making a plan to leave the blowjob room. I am I said it. I mean it. Look, I thought

an eternity of free blow jobs was going to be great. But I'll tell you right now, diary. After the 500th blow job, all right, it's still pretty great. But The 600th free blow job. I need to go home. I've got nothing left.

There's nothing left down there. My dick is raw. He has some line about like all of these like Draculia security guards. Keep blocking the exit of the castle. That's an inconvenient thing. Not great. And of course, we're starting to see all the dirt collecting starting.

Of course, dirt harvest. Yes, with his loyal evil army of Rome. These are the bodyguards. So, yeah, they, you know, and then this is just the classic Dracula tale. He gets ready for his big commute west, you know? And like, uh, in true epistolary fashion, no, it's like we get to hear from the captain's log of the demitter and you have Anthony Hopkins because he had a free afternoon. Just doing that.

I mean, your point about how theatrical this all is, I mean, it just plays into that. Yeah. I really like that choice. Yeah. I think it's pretty cool. that he keeps coming back. Yeah. And it also has got a great voice

and he's just telling the story of obviously the ship that, you know, on this night, this guy went missing. Oh my God. And you're just seeing like these quick cuts like that fucking the blood hitting the sale.

Yes. Which is, it's good. That's awesome. I feel, I think Van Helsing himself is not introduced to like 57 minutes. Oh yeah.

It's a while. Yeah. Now, Francis, how about if I also play Lucy? But I think Dracula had, that'd be fucking hot. Dracula had some sort of geek squad cameras put in Lucy's house

because he's watching what's happening. He's astral projecting over there. He's like checking out the parties and stuff. Well, you know, you want to do a little research about the town you're moving to, you know? I would do that all that. Right? If you could just watch any, oh, you'd be a watcher. Oh, dude, don't worry about it.

Oh, fuck, dude, you'd be watching. Renfield, can you get me a Zagget or something so I know where to go? Oh, no. I got in my box of dirt before consulting trip advisor. Should I go to Mike's pub or Adolf's pub? Yes, sure, it got four stars on Yelp, but who really uses that anymore? What does that even mean?

Oh, no, it is my greatest enemy, Captain Obvious of Hotels.com. This reminds me of several decades ago when I did battle with the most interesting man in the world. Who was that man who used to do the commercials for kayak? I hear he has

a demonic energy as well. But this is when Kevin Spacey. Oh, yeah. Did he really? You did kayak commercials? That's awesome. Good for him. Just kidding. But yeah, he's watching like Lucy

and Mina and then he causes a sexy storm to happen. It's just like Yes, I spray you and your friend with hos and then your outfits are wet. And you're just going to start kissing. Uh-huh. Sure. Because you're so fucking horny.

And it started raining and that made you hornier for some reason. Oh, yeah. Horny in the rain. We're having a wet. We're having a wet negligee contest. Oh, nice. Fucking Dracula invented that because he's so evil. What do we say?

Is it Lucy? Welcome to Buffalo Vampire Wings The Vette Negligé contest We are all out of lemon pepper Oh, look at that Someone's having fun at Happy Hour riding Mechanical Werewolf Oh, you want our famous bloodwings

Do you want it O positive? What do we're A positive? What do we want here? $2 up charge for B negative shit since it's fun the you get the first glimpse of him

as this like a werewolf creature yes I fucking love it it's so great oh my god yeah he's like this ape man

that's fucking Lucy on this rock right is that the part yes it's pretty wild and she's very naked and oh yeah they're going to town

and then fucking you know Mina's watching in the garden it's all no don't see Arnold Schwarzenegger wish he had this power. Yeah, so.

Right, yeah. When the, when the wife walked in when he was stooping the maid. Exactly. But it's like I appreciate the choreography of this sex scene because like it's not just like they have a werewolf like on top of her or whatever. It's like

the werewolf's arm is under the small of her back and he's lifting up the pelvis for like ample fuck angles here. Like this werewolf knows how to get definitely a smoothie that guy but yeah I do love no don't look at me

he's just divin oh no it wasn't anybody it was just divin don't see me isn't that magic would be awesome magic would be awesome love magic

right like if I could do magic oh yeah that'd be fun for yeah if you could be the one doing magic but I don't necessarily anyone else should have that power I don't necessarily think the werewolf should have top hat in a lawn. Oh, man.

So, so like... I'd get a top hat, yeah. Well, no, but I'm just curious, like, your style, right? Are we talking like wizard shit or like, where'd that quarter go? You know what fucking Dracula doesn't wear that quarter goes later on? Where he's just like, what's that behind your ears? Meena? Oh, it's a couple of diamonds.

Oh, right. Yes. Someone was a very good girl for the diamond fairy. Oh, I turned her tears into diamond. the vampire trick to get laid but remember to put your blood under the pillow tonight but yeah now Lucy has been bitten and this is when she starts kind of going

crazy she accepts Carrie Lewis's proposal she's wearing some crazy wedding dress and she starts to faint and like get wackadoo looking like shit like immediately Siddy Frost is good in this she kind of doesn't have a huge career after this

no but she that's what I was kind of surprised but she is really good in this movie. She's in a movie I watched way too many times. The Rick Moranis starring splitting heirs. Not at all. With Eric Idol. What is this? What a world? He's, so it's, they're

like long lost brothers. It's like kind of like King Ralph. But this only came out in Transylvania, right? No, no. This was America. Really? This would came out in wide release. It's like one of them, like Rick Moranus is thought to be the new king of England. Like he was long lost prince or something like.

that. Okay. But it actually turns out Eric Idol was. And they like know each other and their friends. I guess that makes sense because one of them is British. Catherine Zeta Jones is like I think one of is like the love interest for Rayleigh. Why did this come out? It's like 96.

Really? Wow. So this is what made him retire. Probably. It was before. I think it's before a big bully though. So is he just playing like a guy from Shiboygan? Yeah. I don't think he's British. I would hope not. trying to get that gentle Canadian

with that voice of his doing a British accent. Well, it didn't work with Keanu. No, it certainly didn't after that blew it, Fenno. 1993, yes. Okay. The year after this movie. I'm talking about splitting airs now.

Right. So Eric Idol, who also wrote the movie. That's how you know it's good. Yes, and you are right about Catherine Zeta Jones. And of course, you couldn't keep John Cleese away from this thing. No, no. He'll moot you off a friend. Don't worry about it. But whatever. So like now Lucy is

fully infected and Richard E. Grant is cold on the trail of Dracula here. He just can't figure out what's going on with this gal. Mainly because I don't think he's ever heard of Nosferatu. Sure. I'm going to say it. I believe she has horniness. Believe she is just hot under the collar. And then she's like, oh, kiss me. He's like,

absolutely. And I'm like, dude, you shouldn't be her doctor. Yeah, no. Oh, Jack, kiss me. I'm Dr. Makeout. I'm here to service you. Oh, that's Dr. Tongue, dude. But yeah, so Richard E. Grant is like,

and by the way, Richard E. Grant, fucking fabulous actor. Oh, of course. A fabulous person. You know what? It did give me flashbacks of how bad Rises Skywalker was. He would have been so good in that. Sure would have.

He would have been good in that. Sure would have. Isn't that frustrating? you think about that movie even for a second you get mad yeah we just brought it up the other day because we were doing the Chewy episode and I now I'm two days in a row guys

we got stop that is right full episode Chewbacca on Patreon Patreon patreon.com slash we ate movies we're talking to the legend himself Chewbacca I believe he also has to sleep in dirt from his home planet that's true very similar there's much more

shit mixed in it is though than Dracula And Han was like his Renfields. I do like this weird, like, sack that Dracula's in to, like, rejuvenate himself. Yeah, that's pretty cool. It's very cool. I love how weird this movie is. That's the biggest strength about it. Well, that's, I mean, because so few, all of them relied on, like, the eerieness of the atmosphere before.

Yeah. This is the first one where, like, Dracula is genuinely discombobulating. Like, he sets everybody off differently. And the fact that they do all these different kinds of Dracula's, I mean, it's a more convincing show of his power. Yeah. And then, like, just been like, oh, there's a bat. The bat went up there. I mean, all the eerie shit, like the, we talked about it briefly probably, but like all the shadow play that's going on is just gorgeous.

Amazing. That one scene where Keanu opens up like a perfume or something and it goes upside down. Like, and again, there's no reason for it. We don't need like really clear Dracula rules. of an idea of what those are, but like just the fact that it's so ill-defined actually is a strength that I know that you know, maybe sometimes you say it the other way

around, but like in the hands of Freds Ford Coppola, they know what it's going. I think I read something that a Coppola, maybe it was in the trivia or something that when you're near a supernatural being like Dracula, like physics just changes. And that's a cool concept. Yeah, really. I mean,

you know, one of the things we can talk about back when he gets a ride from Soron, when Dracula like beckons him to the cart he like moves as you know like you know come hither or whatever and they put Keanu on like a rolling platform and he just kind of sails he doesn't walk he just sails to the carriage and that happens a couple times in this movie

where like a character is like walking or something and then just smoothly glides across the floor and it's fucking great it would be fun if Coppola crib like a spike lien so in this part of inside man Denzel's near a vampire Giannas come through the castle man the only time Spike dabbled in horror

it was not good I don't mind that movie but yeah definitely low on the list oh I have not no to see that all yeah I mean it's not it's not awful but like go watch Ganges yeah just it's not for everybody yeah so like Lucy is now

very sick They find the neck bites, which is a cool transition here, too, because it's like he zooms in on the two neck holes, like it's the shower drain in Psycho. And then they turn another great cool dissolve into wolf eyes. Hell yeah. Ooh, creeping me right out. And because not only did Dracula go for the one, he's just kind of keep coming back. Yep. Can't quit it.

I heat it, but I feel nothing to heat it. I can't quit you. I must hit, then hit, then hit. Richard E. Grant is hopped up on morphine now, too. Of course. I mean, at the time, I guess you have to be. It's like having a Coke. But I'm a doctor, aren't I? This is what, this is burned the time of Van Helsing finally.

Because, you know, Richard E. Grant has got his head against the wall. Doesn't know what's going on. He's like, oh, don't worry about a carry-always, Lord Autumn Bottom or whatever his name is in this movie. I've called, like Richard E. Grant's character. such a fucking nerd dude he's like don't worry I called my favorite teacher from school and he's going to come and help us with this problem

and I was all I could think about was fucking Uncle Leo like your cousin Jeffrey is friends with his old college professors where does this friend of yours come from German Francily and we get to see Hopkins

Great German Fransley please of course Hopkins at this like lecture type of thing reminded me briefly of elephant man a little bit. No, definitely because he's in like a medical teaching auditorium of that movie too. And then his great line about

like syphilis, civilization, kind of both came up together. Am I right crowd? And they do that thing, which people should bring back. We just knock on the table. Yes. In a cent. Knocking on the table I would like to bring back, you know what needs to be locked in a vault

and put away for all times? Snapping in place of applause. Wait, people snap instead of a lot. seen this? Where would I see this? Anywhere. Really? Just people do, just snapping fucking fingers. Wait, what am I at a coffee shop in 1957? Exactly. And that's

what we do. You know where I was seeing it actually closing night to the New York Film Festival? Oh, shut up. Watching the intro to the inspection is going on. And like, these people next to me, every time Eugene Hernandez said like a cool thing in the intro or whatever, a positive thing, you know, in the intro,

these people were just snapping their fingers. That is so weird. Do you just get you to look at these? Yeah, younger than me. What the fuck? This is like a, this is one of those TikTok Domino's things. Yes, exactly.

It's always a TikTok thing. I'm an old mom. Well, they had the rest of their wrists. Okay, they were just. Oh, because of beating off to me. Of course. I do not understand your TikTok. No, I understand. Is it still no, not November?

Okay. I sway my eipsy this way and this way and then I do the roundabout. watch me flaws all right kids at home we're just joking around we think that's the best thing ever it's so good I just think if you're in a room with like 1,200 people and they're all applauding

yeah maybe don't snap your fingers unless Alan Goodsberg is in attendance as well or David Cross playing Alan Goodsman or you know if John Coltrane's really blowing that night you go right ahead and do it but if it happens to be after 1978 then maybe you don't want to do that It's just a bizarre thing.

It's just, I mean, like, if you're listening, you look so stupid. You know, it's going to be everywhere soon and people are going to be like, look at this clip from WeA. movies. They didn't know snapping is the new clapping and it's going to be the whole, you win, all right? I'm dead already. I love you. Someone's listening to this and I'm dead already. You're undead.

Yeah. That's, you know, a little bit of difference. I like these Van Helsing cable scars he's got in his eyes. Like, yep. undescribed just they're there that is a previous vampire adventure dude and you know I also appreciate and I don't know if the book does this

but I appreciate this movie we don't do a lot of like yes I come from a long line of vampire hunters no he's just like he just knows what's he's a fucking weirdo who found one weird book one time and became an expert on it

and he's almost always on drugs it seems I don't I can't tell what exactly what medieval meth he's dug up but it's quite a performance that Mr. Hopkins is laying down here while this is going on

Mina is kind of like dating Dracula sort of like she runs into him in the street a little meat cute here from Dracula right and dude he keeps fucking failing it he keeps resetting it which way to the cinematic

oh don't you hate my gods Jeez. And then he's like, he reappears around the corner after she walks away. He's just like, can't escape me. Hello, my lady. I'm veering her down. You know, yes, your husband, your fiancé, he wants to buy you flowers, but I want to talk for hours. And take your flower, you know what I'm saying. What do they do in America? I buy you a piece of hot cow. with potatoes. Is that because of her accent?

I mean, we're in England. Yeah. Used it America. But it's one owner rider. So what the fuck? It's kind of great. Dracula, uh,

really impressed with the cinematograph technology. Sure. Yeah. Not having it. Like, he's like, wow. Look at that. That was so funny and thrilling. I couldn't.

I thought train was going to come through screen. If you want culture, visit a museum. Yeah, dude. She's just like, fuck you. And your new artistic media. Vampire. You Eastern European Slav. Yeah, you fucking Rube. I already saw the train

movie asshole. Oh, it's going to come through the screen. I have crossed. What does he say? I have crossed oceans of time to find you. Yeah, man. Which, if you believe him, that was the like, Gary Oldman was like that line

sold me on making the movie because I wanted to say that to somebody in a movie. It's a pretty good line. It's a cool line. I really did it. And this performance Yeah, especially now when he's a cool Dracula, you know what I mean? And again, we're not doing the Widows Peak. He's got this long hair, these purple sunglasses, like silver suit with the top hat. They did shave his fucking hairline though a little bit.

Oh, really? They moved it back a little. Not Widows Peak, but they like recessed a scotch. Oh, that's what I'm doing too. It's all planned. I'm doing that at the back of my head. This is for vampire things. No, Francis Fort Copelo wants it this way.

Don't worry about it. No, yeah, he's looking like he's playing Synths and Oasis. And she, like, she starts crying and cheers. What's the story morning, glory? Oh, you are so beautiful. I want to shower you in some kind of champagne supernova. But remember, don't look back in anger. Tonight I am a rock and roll star.

That's it. That's all the songs they do. We don't have any more. We're done. That's it. Question for you, Mr. Van Helsing, son of beach. Where were you while we were getting high? Ah?

We played that song a lot at multiple like sixth grade dances. Sure. And I remember even then I was like, where were you while we were getting high? Well, this shouldn't be at the school function. This must be about their trip to the Empire States building. That would throw me off. Where were you while we were eating pie? Dude, all right.

We were eating pie. Mr. Daniel Radcliffe over here in person, I think we're at L. Yankovic. I wish I had the hair. But yeah, so when Ben Helsing arrives, you know, he just, he, he is ready to go. He gets right in, like, show me what's going on with the girl. Like, let's go. She immediately needs a blood transfusion. He says, so, like, he starts getting this contraption together.

Doesn't matter what type of blood. Oh, you're the fiance. Yeah, pump it in there. Yeah, it'll be fine. The creepiest part or the most disturbing thing are these teeth that are coming out through the gums that we see a couple times. I love that creep you right out, man. He looks at it. Yeah, Anthony Hopkins.

It's like, oh, a little nosferatuing over here by the gum line. Yeah, that's fine. No, it's a medical term. Yes. Oh, look at who you got a couple of budding nosferatus. Got the nospherat tooth, I see. It's like when I take my dog to the vet for her yearly checkup, you know, and the doctor like lifts her fucking lips up to look at the teeth.

Just like, you know, there's some fine teeth on this hound you got here. And he's like, where have I seen this before? Oh, yeah, that enormous book I carry around with me that says vampire on it. And I knew I brought that fucking 30 pound book for a reason. You know, they always tell me, don't bring it in your bag because I'm going to have to carry it anywhere. But guess what? Now I have a use for it. They always make fun of me. They say, hey, are there

rocks in this box? I'm like, no, it's one book. It's my vampire book. Leave me alone. Very important. A little black vampire book. My enormous wooden vampire book. Oh, man, but you know, instead of the stabbing the adrenaline to the heart, it would be a stag. Oh, there you go. Which we

don't do in this movie. Anything will do. We use an actual, like, Metal stakes, knives, for sure. Yep. Which makes sense. That's all, you know, fine by me. Yeah, and he's just, there's this great, it's so, he's just so weird to all these dudes. Like, he's just, he knows that he needs these dudes, but he's like, I'm your leader now.

Dudes. Because he also knows. Come along, dudes. All right, dudes, form a lot. Because he knows, he's like, oh, I see immediately what's going on here. All Professor Van Helsing has seen this before. three dudes trying to bang one chick got it i yes they a texan dude an english dude and my pupil also a dude yeah doctor dude

dude i would watch doctor dude okay i think that's that was the fucking alternative title for scrubs you're right you're right you're right uh but yeah all the all speaking of the dudes by the way all three dudes have to get down on this blood transfusion because afterwards they're all walking out holding their arms like Jesus she had no blood in her it's uh that's so good

and then she dies instantly because it's botched transfusion dead but not dead he says I mean I don't know why you're doing all of this we have to cut off the head this glass tomb and every it's just a waste of money Mr. Ellis

fucking lemon casket it's cool it looks cool And yeah, when she finally dies, my favorite line of the movie, I think he goes up to, he goes up to Carrie Elway's like, I would like, I need to be alone with the body. And Elway is like, oh, doctor, do you think an autopsy must have? No, I'm just going to stab her on the heart and cut the head off. And it's just like the way he says it. Yep. It's so fucking funny. It's just so matter of fact. And like Elway's is like, what, what? Yeah. Which is what every autopsy should be. We should be making sure. Well, that's it, oh, that's in my, my will. It's like you got to remove the head from the body. Just to be sure. Just to be sure. Absolutely.

And then stab that heart up. You lived your life as a vampire. You should die as one. Exactly. Well, here's the thing, too. I mean, you never know what's going to go on. Chemical weaponry, nukes, whatever. Sure.

You know, if I, you know, it's true. Decades and decades and decades from now when I pass away, take my brain out of my noodle, man. Because just in case of a zombie apocalypse, I don't want to rise from the grave. We already have that brain destroyed. Are dangerously close to developing the zombie bomb. Any day now.

It will happen. Any day now. Dude, I'm making bombies. I think that's what Hungary's up to these days. I think that's where up there. Oh, yeah. That's what that guy's up to. This song bomb better work, nerd. Meanwhile,

Dracula's treating Mina Parker to some fucking sick absent bra. Dude, the green fairy. Oh, you ready to catch it. Dude, old-fashioned way of making this. He's got a little sugar cube and whatnot. Love it. Oh, yeah. I'm going to do a magic trick and he does the thing with the tear and it turns it to a bunch of diamonds. And I imagine Mina is just like, go buy a lot of onions.

Just buy a bag and a knife. We need a knife as well. Oh, dude, I'm so stoned. I can't believe it. Is that really diamonds or what? Dude, shit. The good kind? The really good kind? No, no, she's too wasted. Man, this sucks. I don't have the heart to tell her. It's cubic saconian.

So, like, at some point around here, Dracula, like, attacks the house here. And because, like, all the dudes are, like, laying watch or whatever. Carrie always is wasted. And so, like, Dracula sort of, like, pushes him out of the way. There's some other, there's another guy

who's not an official member of the dudes. Uh-huh. But, like, Dracula's running up the stairs. And you get to look at it. this guy, he shoves this guy like across the room and he's dressed exactly like Sherlock Holmes. This guy just looks like Sherlock Holmes and

Dracula throws him across the room. Oh, that's detective dude. Yeah, he's just like right on the outer ring of dudes. This firefighter dude is well waiting. That'd be cool. Farmer dude, he's like the lowest on the ladder. Scoob a dude is hanging out.

Did they have scuba stuff yet? That's a good question. Fisher dude. while this is all happening is the weird like so Mina has rushed to Romania she gets word from a nunnery that Kianu escaped emerged from the blowjob room yeah finally got out of there

you know fucking pud in hand and makes his way to this this nunnery where they're like taking care of them and like Winona Ryder is just like well all right get in this fucking train or whatever I'm gonna go to Romania it's night or whatever So while this is going on, we're cutting to Romania where they are getting married in this, in this convent.

And apparently, do you see the trivia about this? It was like some reshoot later. They were like, why don't you have them, you know, shoot the scene of them getting married. So they go to do it. And they had this like Greek Orthodox priest that was doing the ceremony. And the guy actually did a Greek wedding ceremony,

like a Greek Orthodox wedding ceremony. And so in like the eyes of God, if you want to call it, whatever. Like, Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder are married. But just Greek God. Just, yeah, just saw the Greek god. So Zeus only. She's Greek Orthodox.

Yeah. But it's the trivia says that like when they text each other or whatever, like Winona Ryder will text him jokingly like, hi, my husband. It's kind of funny. That's cute. Wait, we're what? Kind of a plot for a movie that they would both be in. Like that wedding game. Destination wedding.

What is this? Now what is this? It's just the two of them and they're at a destination wedding and like it's all just seeds of them talking. What year is this from? Five years ago maybe? For you? Something like that. There's literally no other characters. Everyone else is just

like in the background. I was too busy at the lake house. Sandy. Whatever else. Well yeah. I mean she had done Black Swan and he had done John Wick and they were like maybe they're popular again oh just him okay well i mean she's got stranger things oh yeah i guess yeah and that movie was post the start of strange yeah so and it's not good um no but i will say the two of them have

chemistry sure using the real voices really helps um and it was cool seeing them in a movie but it does suck unfortunately not a very good movie um so lucy's dead lucy's now dead this is you know anthraultz was to kill her head off and he convinced everyone go to the crypt you know look we're just going to go there tonight. Bring your knives. You're going to need him. Yep. And they're like,

what's going on here or something like? They want to know like what he's up to. And like, like he's just like, oh, I think it's Carrie out ways. Like, why do we have to dig her up?

What was she buried alive? And he's like, ah, well, not alive, but also not dead. You'll see what I mean. Just wait until we get there.

Just pull this open, will you? But she's not there. you had another kid in peril in this movie, man. Yes, she went out to go get food. Like, she walked down the street to go to the 7-11 and pick up a child. I go out for

two seconds to grab a bite, and when I come back, all these dudes are in my crypt. Oh, they're serving baby tequitos now. Dudes fapping to you from beyond the grave. Like, I can't even die. These dudes are fucking still bothering me. God damn. I'm not going to

fuck any of you, okay? I'm dead oh that's what i get for leading you on in life now you stalk me in death well the dead can fuck right yeah dracula does it she's about to kill that jim jarmouche movie yes yes yes yes speaking of not that great movies it's okay i like that which one did i don't die oh i liked that movie i didn't still see it heard mixed enough things like am all right um i mean it's like if you take a zombie comedy and like put it through jim jarmish is incredible deadpan

everything that's why it didn't work for people because it's just it's a slow stilted zombie comedy

I don't know I had fun with it sure totally tanked though but she gets her head cut off which is fun it's a great

this whole thing's great I like they do a cool camera effect here where like you see her sort of eerily climb back

in her coffin and that's all just like reversed film which was cool you know, just it makes it look all the more unnatural like getting back, you know.

Now wait, now I cut off the head. Come on, no, let me say goodbye. No, I want to cut off the head. And it's great too. We cut off that head and there's a smash cut to Anthony Hoppins cutting this roast in the bar. Eat up bars.

We got another vampire to kill. Yeah, you're going to need your strength, dudes. I'm going to want another rare rabbit here. Some sausages. It looked pretty good, whatever meat this was. And he's drinking like a dark ale. not too shabby he chugs this too

Hopkins just puts this mug of beer right down it's great and like yeah this is when he's like he wants he wants he's like listen I've got

three dudes already Keanu I need another dude here I need a I didn't kind of a doofy dude a real estate dude do you have a dudefus dudefess

oh at your service perfect let's go you dumb dumb idiot Jonathan Harker dudefus for Army of dudes, man, the council of dudes. Doesn't help that you're pretty.

He also has gray hair here now because he's been sucked fucking dry, man. Absolutely, dude. We fucking suck the color right out of his dude's hair. That's beyond sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. Sucking the chrome off a trailer. Sucking the fucking color out of a guy's hair. All the pigment came out of

his hair and went out of his dick. So it was like black cum or something, right? It's definitely taking a darker paler. That's for sure. Right. Yeah. Because that's a lot of essence. right there. Oh, yeah. It's thick, too. Pure life force, man. So they want to kill Dracula. You know, sort of a baby, right?

Like, not just blood, living blood, but, like, semen. Like, that's like a new life, kind of. I bet vampires love it. Many new lives, wouldn't be. Yeah, I would think. Potentially. They wouldn't say no. They would not say no. No, that's true. Right. There is, like, he does give

Keanu a little bit of a job interview here, because he's like, uh, all right. Well, I suppose, Jonathan, you can join. my dude army, your blood test came back and everything's okay. Because he asked him like, now listen, when you were in the blowjob room, did Count Dracula make you drink his blood, you drink any of those babes blood? And he's like, no, I've never tasted blood. And he's like, all right, clean bill of health, you can join the team. Good enough for me.

You could be lying your ass off. I guess we'll find out there on the road. Now let me ask you, would you be okay with me cutting Mina's head off? Because that is what I want to do I mean, look at this. Dracula was not that bad of a host. You got the blowjob room. You didn't get turned into a vampire. Yeah, he's hitting on your wife aggressively. He gave

you a whole chicken. A fucking free month room and board? Come on. I gave you a whole chicken and you spat in my face. He even shaved you. You didn't ask for it, but he did it. He even cut under your nipple a little and

sucked up. Sucked that shit. Slop. We didn't mention it, but Gary Oldman fucking tonguing that straight razor is one of the most unsettling shots

in the movie. It's hot. And apparently if the trivia is to be believed, he was like wasted when they shot that scene who was very late at night. It was just like,

Gary LaBlaugged. Gary Olman wasted? I won't. Apparently's been sober for a very long time. Till Mank where he did it, you know, for real. method.

Method for Mank. Remember Mank, everyone? Come on. I saw it and then I really haven't thought about it much since all the iconic characters. Winston Churchill, Dracula. Mank. Serious

Black. Mank. Sid Vicious. Mank. The bad police from professional. That's right. I forget his name, but whatever. Mank. man is the only real evil

that's true that's true that fucking flat ass digital filmmaking but yeah so like they the idea of like all right we want minute to be safe the safest place for her is this fucking creaky creepy old

insane asylum of course can we get a hotel well I mean I see your point but also like just we're playing wearing werewolf rules here man you know what I mean like locker in a cage and then like nothing can get in nothing can get

out okay also you wouldn't be getting a hotel you'd be getting an inn at the time that's a good point Stephen and also you want to keep her right close to the morphine your two loves right there beside each other you can imagine too like Dracula's kind of like oh the insane asylum

I don't want to feed at the booby hatch but if you're at like the nice end he's coming right for your room I feel like if I have to go they have to talk to Renfield, yuck. I talk to Renfield, I have to then free these boobies from the hatch before I can seize

them. It's a lot of blood, but it feels wrong to be sucking the blood of those people. It feels ill-advised. I don't think so. But this is great because Redfield is the whole movie, master this, master that. He sees Winona Ryder's like,

you know what, dude, the master's evil. European. He's just like, he just turns on a dime for a 1992 Winona Ryder. It's all it took was to gaze upon Winona dude and then you were like, fuck this. I've been eating bugs. I've been shit in my pants probably, just yelling master

all day. You know what? He's never coming for me. He's never going to turn me. Fuck that dude. He's trying to kill you. And then like around here too is a great, it's a weird like they sort of set it up like she is going there for projection but then she immediately goes home

because there's two scenes back to back of Dracula hot boxing rooms because it's like we cut to Tom Waits and he's alone in the cell and then all of a sudden like the cell gets this green smoke in it oh man oh man looks like Danzig's about to take the stage

it looks cool it looks like Java the Hut farting which looks cool yeah I like it I like the green mist Eddie makes Redfield run against the wall three times until he's dead but no she's actually in the insane asylum like in another room is it a bedroom yes there's like a

Grant's office. Oh, okay. Oh, that's right. Because Dracula starts hotbox in that room, too. And that's what they start fucking. It's like, let's do it, man. Miss sex. And she's way into it. She's like, I totally want to be a vampire. I was like, no, you couldn't. You wouldn't. Of course, it's awesome. What are you talking about? And then he's going to. I can't turn to mist. I'd like to do one day. Maybe it's a little cool. Yeah. It's cool for like the first 300 years. Okay, let me just. I have to ask you this. Are that. Are they still delivering messages with arrows? If they are, I'm not doing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mina. I cannot do it. No, we have a thing called the Post now. Fuck it.

Here we go. Yes, I couldn't possibly give you eternal life, eternal strength, cool, cool powers. And sexiness beyond, I would never do that to you, my sweet, sweet Mina. Because he knows, dude, he's been added for half a century or half a millennium, rather. he's like no like this fucking sucks it's like i saw past the sticker price i saw past the glitz and the glam i'm this old dude jerking off in a fucking collapsing castle my hands are at palmy but you know what dude what's you know what this guy doesn't see coming indoor plumbing television rock and roll well yeah it's gonna get good dude stick around plumbing is still a bucket based

system at the time i believe but i don't know about that was it still bucket base i think it's So bucket-based. In the late 19th century? You wouldn't want to be a vampire, okay? Listen, how bad it is. Yes, I can go outside. It's fine. I just feel a little weaker, not too much.

Yeah, me too. It's called fucking long COVID. Dracula, you fucking baby. Ooh, I'm tired outside. You want to be, yeah, if you're Dracula, you want to hang it up around like 2007, 2007, 2012. You know what I mean? Just really start hanging it up then.

Well, you know what? 9-11, man. Get out before 9-11. Yeah, that's a good move. Get out on 9-11. When most towers went down, I put the steak through my own heart. Oh, I'll take a one-way ticket to the Pentagon, please. Yeah, I don't want to legitimize all the nut jobs, but Y2K would have been a nice time to just, you know, get out of there.

But then, yeah, you've got a thousand years again, you're fucking, you see the doors live, you know what I mean, lots of cool. You miss me with that costume. Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Now touch me, baby. You know what, yes. I'm going to walk out into the sun tomorrow. Which doesn't do anything, by the way.

He breaks into full bat mode right here because I get the council of dudes fucking break in like, hey, stop fucking my wife. And then he turns into this huge fucking bat monster and he's like, you think you can destroy me. And then like Van Helsing makes some yell for like more light to come in or something. and he just turns into a pile of rats. Yes, it's great. He also spits fire on the cross, which is great.

That was a big trailer, M.H. Yes, it was. You're totally right. This whole gigantic bat creature outfit is amazing. It scared the shit at me as a kid. This movie is going to be scary. He's the man bat, dude. He is.

Now, Mina, I'm going to be honest with you. When you turn into the werewolf and then turn back, there's a lot of itchingness. It's all over. It's just because the hair goes back in so quickly. But meanwhile, the boys, the council of dudes, have destroyed all of his dirt, most of his dirt in England. Right, right, right. So, you know, piss on it, Jack.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're pissing on it. They're throwing holy water on it. Fucking Anthony Hopkins is saying Latin stuff, which is never good. No, no, sir. You know, something's up when that's happening. At some point, I think, around here, too, when they're trash in all of his houses, Anthony Hopkins is, like, quoting Othello.

Oh, right. Okay. He's just, like, running around yelling Othello at one point. Why not? Add it to the pile. Yeah, I'm sure. Get in there. But there's one box I didn't know about and that's the one that he's like, I must return to my beloved Transylvania. Oh, absolutely, dude. Much like Josh Hawley running out of the Capitol building on Jan 6th.

This dude's fucking high tailing it back to Romania. Not before Winona sucks Dracula's tit here for a little bit. Totally. We get some tit sucking. And it basically, because of the tit sucking, she has now put herself on the clock to turn into a she's like a half a havesies here one foot in the grave dude exactly and you know there's some psychic link

so like they know where Dracula's going but he knows they're coming after him and like this is the part of the movie where Gary Oldman's just like in a box tenting his fingers for most of it totally and he's just like he's like up to like his neck so you just see the head like he's just hanging out like a bad

hot tub or something but basically they realize like it they will get to Transylvania faster if they take the train and Dracula's stuck going all the way around Spain and up through, you know, you know, by boat or whatever. So they're like, oh, cool. We'll totally have plenty of time

to get to his house, totally trash it, and then get to the port and fucking kill him. Yeah, party at Dracula's house. Yeah, he's out of town. Party at the Mooncastle. No, I mean, they get, the voiceover is hilarious because it's like, well, we got on the train.

we were going there and he fooled us. But then we thought we got him again, but nope, got on in front of us again. Because there's something about like, oh yeah, well, we got screwed over because a bunch of these Romani that worked for him like intercepted the boat and

took the box. Earlier, yeah. And they're on their way or something. It's cool. And this is when they're like, all right, so we need to split up because Mina is psychically telling him stuff. So then, you know, Van Helsing and meet it. I'll leave fucking this. crazy maniac with my wife,

sure. You go this way and then we're going to go that way and we'll meet up at the castle kind of a thing. We do get an awesome Indiana Jones map of the train and the boat. Oh, it's awesome. I love seeing like the little train tracks and the boat's just like a blue line. Yeah. He fucked us again.

Fucked us right up again. God damn it. So they make camp and Mina is now like kind of half Dracula like we said and she is like, it's kind of amazing that even Anthony Hopkins who's like, or even Van Helsing, who's like this, he's hell bent on destroying Dracula. He's like,

I think she might be into me. It's like, no, she's not. She's trying to kill you, idiot. Maybe if I buy her a beer, she'll be into me. I've been buying them all night for myself. She likes to be for me. Not because I'm friends with Leonardo. God damn, that song is so

fucking funny. If you listen to those lyrics, they're so dumb. Steve Busemi gets name check. Yep. Before he was famous enough to be identified as Steve Boussammis. Speaking of which, I guess Busemi turned down playing Renfield in this movie. I could see that because he probably didn't want to... Yeah. He didn't want to look more squirrelly than he already does.

Totally. Yeah. There's a weird thing too where the brides are I think giving Mina some like horny vibes. Oh, so they're like... Yes. Okay. But the weird thing about all this is like they get to the castle and like I don't know how well do these folks have this castle locked up

because Mina and Van Helsing are just outside the front door like the fucking keypad entry for the Airbnb didn't work like go inside and wait for him The best thing is while he he does they try to attack Van Helsing and Mina and he makes a circle of fire around himself and

Anthony Hopkins who has cut off heads taken out hearts has traveled back and forth to fucking finish this thing I've never seen him so upset as when they're killing his horse

He's like freaking out He's like Which is you know he just He had he had to pay action To fucking put it on the train From England Oh definitely So it was this huge thing

Like he dropped like a grand Just to well I have my horse here That'll be more comfortable Where there goes to house in London. I had one more payment left, you bastards. That was my ride back to town. I was going to

trade it in for the newer model. He fucking to get Mina off of him, because she's about to bite his neck. He fucking jams a communion wafer on her forehead. Badass Mover. It is. And I had no idea that shit would actually work. Sure. We're making

stuff up. We're having fun. Yeah. I mean, I guess it makes sense. It's a churchy thing. I think he was probably just like, I hope this works. So this is all I packed for food was communion rave. It's good I didn't eat them all. Dude, and I know what that's all about, man.

When you fucking get gnoshing. Because you would have the early morning mass. Yeah. And then right after that, we had to go to Sunday school, which was another fucking hour. So this is like three hours of your Sunday morning where you have not eaten anything. And the only thing that you will have between your parents

waking you up and kicking you out of bed to go to church and the end of Sunday school when you can finally go to the fucking diner and get an omelette was that communion wafer. And that, you lasted on that communion wafer for hours waiting for the diner. One holy pringle to tide you over.

Once you pop, you can't stop. Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins beheads the Brides of Dracula. And if you score at home, that's four women he beheads in a two-hour period. Also great shot of him just chucking all the heads off the cliff. Because he's still pissed about that horse. He comes out like he runs in the castle.

You don't see like the actual act. He runs out screaming. He's huffing and puffing and puffing and hold these three heads. Yeah, that'll teach you. That's what you do. Horace, the horse, was a friend of mine. But now it's the big climactic finish where all these Romani are riding Dracula into town. Dude patrol is right behind.

Which is cool. And we're trying to be the sunset, which maybe would have had a bigger impact if we knew it actually did anything. Well, apparently he's weaker in the sunlight. He's weaker, which makes sense. You could kill him easier. Right. It still works.

And this is a great sequence. I love just seeing the council of dudes just shooting guys off of carriages. Billy Campbell gets a fucking sword right in the back. Yeah. He goes down pretty hard. But he also gets the kill, doesn't he? He does. He gets a kill shot.

Because it all kind of culminates. and Dracula is released he's about to go nuts Kianu gets a fucking throat slit which is a baller fucking throat also his costume here is amazing this gold cloak and I actually did think it kind of looked like Gustav Klimt's

stuff and that's the trivia said it was inspired by that's what it's based off of right yeah it's fucking awesome I need one of these just to lounge in a bit no to walk down the street so everyone knows a better is among me I need the Rothko robe

you understand me there's a great line because like Dracula is down for the counter or whatever and Hopkins is like our work here has finished hers has just begun and she's got to like drag him

back into the castle and this you know this whole thing is really nice like this ending it's actually weird when you think about it once they go back in the castle it's Winona Ryder and Gary Oldman everybody else has not seen in the movie

ever again this is like the last scene because that's what the movie is about It works very much But at the same time I was just like If I was on the council of dudes I'd be like So we're leaving

Quincy died And he's hurt And we're leaving First of all I know when he dies Something cool's gonna happen Is there like a box I can sit on

To look inside Jonathan was talking about That stupid What was blue and fauna I got to see that What is where is that Is that gonna happen? Sounds like you're talking

about a Highlanders quickening. And then they're like, all right. So, all right. No, that's fine. Where are those brides of Dracula? I heard a lot about What, you killed them already? Jesus Christ. They got my fucking horse. Should have got here sooner. Oh, man.

Yeah, and you know, this whole thing is great. You know, he gets stabbed right through the heart and falls down and, you know, he kind of like comes out of it and, you know, youngifies into, you know, beautiful Gary Oldman in 1990. I guess the idea, like, their love,

is so strong that it defies death so that he doesn't need to live anymore because he's got that, I guess. Don't take money. Don't take fame. Don't take no credit card to ride Trans-Siberian Railroad. To heaven. So he goes to heaven at the end of this movie, which is nice.

He does. God's like, you know what? Sorry about that, Dracula. Meanwhile, Lucy's in hell like, hey, fuck. You know, presumably, of course, with Dracula, shit, Mina is no longer under the trance. I mean, what's rad is you don't know. Well, they do spell it a little bit. The communion way for burn her head, but that goes away. You're totally right. Yeah, the burn mark. So you assume that she's that. But, you know, it's not so so spelled out,

but it is implied that she is now free of the curse. I think at some point Van Helsing says something about the only killer now is the death of her maker. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She chops his head too. Oh, yeah. Give me peace, which is great. and she pushes the knife. It hits the floor. I love that fucking ding of the blade hitting the floor and then boom.

Yeah, cut that head off. Okay. Dracula, there's going to have to be a little bit of a sawing motion going on here. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry. That's bone. That's bone I'm seeing right there. This is you million. Get up kids in here. You know, there's a guillotine upstairs. I know you should have let the man do it.

Oh, God damn, Dracula, still misogynistic after everything. Absolutely, dude. Well, you know, he's like fucking 500 years old, man. There's no change in those people. Just traditions to him. A female sword wielders. Oh, God, don't get me started. Vought is next.

And the last shot, you know, we sort of tilt up and we look at the ceiling. and there's this big beautiful painting of the Ghostbusters. Well, dude, that's what I was going to say. I think it's a fetid sheenie. Because it is the same. You just went for the... Du-do-do-do-d-do-d-d-do-d-d-d-do-d-d-d-do-d-d-pomber-da. Dracula.

But, yeah, it's Elizabeth. Is that the original voice name in Vlad and the painting? Fucking beautiful movie, man. Then you get this Annie Lennox song, which is... It literally has vampire in the title, I think. Sure, dude. And it's a good. And it's a good song.

It did not expect. It's a weird when you're watching, like, a period piece thing like this, that is just a straight period piece. And then we're just doing a pop song at the end of it like that. We love that, though, just like the late 90s after the credit pop song. You know what I mean? Like, just pop it in there. Wasn't that also kind of what Annie Lennox did with Lord of the Rings?

Wasn't she nominated for an Oscar for that song? But that's not a pop song. That's more of a Nya. Yeah, you're right. I had no idea she did a song for it. Oh, yes, sir. It's way more of a Lord of the Rings song than not. You're right.

But that is Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula from 1992. Go around the room here. Final thoughts. Eric Siska. Eric Siska's recommendation for Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula goes as such. Enter here. Yes. It's a good movie.

I love the strangeness and the otherworldliness of it. I think talking it out makes me actually be not as hard on Keanu and stuff like that because this is a weird fucking movie. None of it should make sense, but it does. And it fucking rules the practical effects and the strangeness of it. I'm a huge fan of this movie. Chris Cabin. It's a term used often with this movie, but I think it really does fit operatic.

It's huge. Everything is huge. Everybody is going towards the ceiling. I love this. I don't think he ever got this like insane with just like how much he was throwing at the screen. Just like he was taking every trick he ever learned on. this thing and he was just throwing it all up there and again like like eric said it shouldn't work but because of the propulsiveness of it because of the insanity of it like he does hit that

pitch there's a pitch that has to match all this stuff and where so many others would make a very like slow movie to go with all this insanity and then the performances would suck he actually hits it he hits the pitch and it's it's beautiful steve yeah i love it it's really like i think i watched it last year for Halloween and i was definitely ready to for it yet again kind of a thing it's a good yearly film because there's just so much to see like there's it's one of these

like he I kind of I'm really excited for whatever this megalopolis is going to be hopefully it's in this vein where we're kind of going nuts and just sort of really having trying to make a big statement because I do think that there's a lushness and a real craftsmanship

here that is few directors could pull off and this is Frankie Coppola dude's great You would think that, you know, Megalopoulos, he said repeatedly is going to be his last movie. Like, I hope he's going out on all the stops. Me too. And I certainly hope Netflix puts it in fucking theaters. They fucking better.

I will lose my mind. I think this movie is what, like, it took all the gas out of the tank, though. You know what I mean? Like, he went right from doing Godfather 3 into making this movie. And he was like, I got nothing. Here's Jack. Robin Williams? I don't know.

Is that doing something for you? And I think, you know, this is a movie, I didn't come around to until I was older. I didn't like it as a kid because it was, quote, you know, too weird. And I had seen the, you know, browning flicks so many fucking times. And I was like, well, that's not drank. You know, kids are stupid. This movie's great. I mean, I saw a lot of people saying like, oh, of course you're finally doing this.

I've requested this as in as W.H.M. Yeah, sure. And, you know, no, this is an L. Go back. Revaluate this movie. at two hours and four minutes it fucking flies and it's the last great Francis Ford Coppola movie you know and it is like here let's put it this way

it's a maximalist a lot it is the Elvis of Dracula movies but that is going to do it for the entirety of we love movies month which is wild that November is already over with but if you want some more we love action head over to patreon.com slash we hate movies we got a big

honking gleep glossary all about our hairy friend Chubaka that's right he's sort of like a Dracula but your friend similar Dracula type we have a we hate movies on the feed with Hannibal sure and that's you know that is our sort of lock here right

Oldman and Hopkins added a gain we also have a Star Trek Nexus episode of full length on Star Trek the motion picture oh yeah very good movie over to our episode talking about all the nooks and crannies on that guy and of course we kicked off

the Patreon offerings this month with a full, big-ass length episode of animation damnation talking to Henry Seleks, The Nightmare Before Christmas. Great, great movie. So lots of extra content on there, super-sized content on patreon.com slash

we hate movies. But next week, we go back to the hate feeds. We'll be changing the images back to hate to normal. Back to normal. And what are we getting back to normal with, Steve? We're going back to normal live with Rocky 5 from Philadelphia. That's a fun.

Kind of, we're, there's going to be some Christmassy offerings this month. And that, that's a sad fucking Christmas movie, folks. It's one of the saddest Christmases Philadelphia ever saw. It was the Christmas where there was a weird street fight. But yes, that was a show we did in Philly that was actually recorded properly. So I think we'll be able to get that out to you all. It was a fun show from what I remember. It was earlier this year.

So, you know, that was a long ways back. But we'll be back with an in-studio offering the week after that. But you know what, folks? It's like Thanksgiving time, so we're giving ourselves the week off production-wise there, but we'll be back doing, yeah, a couple of Christmas-related apps, a couple of big blockbusters on the H-feed, and of course, all of your We-H-Movies offerings on the Patreon, including a commentary and one last once-in-a-lifetime for the year.

So big stacked-ass month in December that we are very much looking forward to. So until next week, when you hear us live from Philly, talking Rocky 5. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.