We Hate Movies - S13 Ep646: Rocky V (Live in Philadelphia)

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Recorded 4.27.22 at the Punchline Philly in Philadelphia, PA On this episode, it’s the out-RAGEOUS live show from Philly the guys did at the start of this year where they’re talking about the incredibly sad, Christmas-ish-set sequel, Rocky V! Written by Sly himself, shouldn’t the producers have honored his wishes and kept in the original ending with Rocky getting beaten to death in the street? How is Paulie not murdered by the entire family after this financial fiasco? Why didn’t Rocky think to do commercials in Japan or sell that robot to the military for cash? And is the Italian Stallion going back into his son’s room and checking out that sexy doodle of the French teacher again? PLUS: What if Paulie was possessed by the demon Pazuzu from The Exorcist?! Rocky V stars Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Sage Stallone, Tommy Morrison, Richard Gant, Tony Burton, Kevin Connolly, and. Burgess Meredith as The Ghost of Mickey; directed by John Avildsen. Perfect for your holiday shopping—check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new SW Crispy Critters, MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna? & Mortal Kombat designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Please. I'm It has been a minute. I think. I think the most beautiful one of the tour. There's been some uggos, some real dutch crowds. I know, but we were like looking in a mirror mirror when we said that.

Oh, right. That's what Steve does before every show. You ugly fucking piece of shit. You fucking piece of shit. You should kill yourself. Yeah, if you fuck. this up. And every night, he gives us, of course, of course, we came up. Yeah, you know, you know, I will admit to experimenting a little bit. We're

going to see what happens when you get on stage after you've taken maybe too much allergy medicine. Oh, that's exciting. It's sloppy. Let's mix that with alcohol. Let's see what happens. Yes. A blender. Don't do this at home. We're professionals up here. All right. You ready? Sure. Cool. My name is Andrew Jopin. Chris Ciscahapin. And we are, we hate movies from New York City. It is so, so great to be back in your town.

How about that pay-per-view fellow? You guys like that pay-per-view trailer? Now, how many of you all remember that that's how you used to get, like, VOD shit? Oh, yeah. Okay, good. A good amount that, you know, I'm not going to turn to a skeleton up here or something.

I remember, yeah, my father used to order these sometimes, and he'd get on the phone and be like Yankee, what is that's that's what is that you have to do? I guess you read the code for your box. It was like that specific. Oh, shit. That is old. I was a select and enter man. You know, you hit the.

Oh, dude, select and enter. We got in some trouble with that. You know, a neighborhood kid tell us that when you did that, the movies were free. Oh, that's not true at all. Whoops. I don't know that I've ever seen my father more furious. Rightfully so, by the way. rightfully so. I really don't think I would

ordering a movie in a way that only like a character from mash could do. Now with that guy, like the host by the way, what a gig, the host of the pay-per-view shit. Amazing. Oh dude, don't worry, that guy died in poverty. It's okay. No, no, no. It wasn't a great gig. It was cool for a while, but. Steve, he lost his fortune. Fortune. Fortune. Fortune. No, my question

that was like, was that guy doing all of it? Like, like, like, like, you know, you know, like, you know, New Yorkerly Hill, and then he reads a plot to a porno, which I won't do here, but you could probably guess what's going on. Amber loses her fortune and has to have sex with everybody. It's just

everybody's going to have sex with him. We're reporting live from the set of Barton Fuck. Oh, dude, Cohen brothers, porno ferities. And then Barton fuck goes, this is my uniform. This is a life of a penis. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I wanted to derail the top. He's got a story.

He's got a story today. Okay, so a citizen of your fine city walked up to us no more than an hour ago. No. And told us a riddle. Yes. And it tickled. Wait, do you get a lot of this here? People just dancing around.

Dude, that Batman hubby was so huge. Let's see if you guys know this one. It tickled me, Pink. so I'm going to read it. I'm going to mess it up because the wording is very, very nice. Yeah, it's the craft of the whole thing that really brings it together. What is more treacherous than the devil? What is more powerful than God?

Dead people eat it. But if you do, you will surely die. I don't know. Anybody? Anyone? Anybody? Yeah, and someone said nothing. That's the answer.

I was going to do the, because the fella, the fella had a. a whole little turn of trick where he goes, oh, here's, where you, here's, here's, here's, where you know, here's, here's, here's, here's, okay, put his hand out and you're like, yo, okay, like, were you ever like, oh, this guy's gonna prick me with something? Oh, you can't just be sticking your fucking hand out to strangers, dude. What is more, what is more treacherous than the devil? What is more powerful than God? dead people eat it. If you do, a knife also works. It's true, that also works. Nothing is more treacherous than the devil. Nothing is more powerful than God.

Dead people eat nothing. But if you eat nothing, you will surely die. Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues. He did tell us this riddle like five times in a row to make sure we all got it. Did he really want you to get it? He was very serious. And the whole time we're just standing there with the dollar, like the end of the transaction is right here, man.

This is like, this is it. The riddle was great. The dollar. We're the dollar. We thought he sized us up. He literally said, let me slow it down for you. Oh, man, that's insulting. And then he said the riddle again, and then he spelled it out again, and then he said it again, and then he spelled it out again, and I was getting worried.

And then he gave us a note on performance as well, just in case we didn't get it. But I got to say, he probably knew. He saw us hanging outside, and with good reason, it was like, those three guys probably just saw the maybe riddler perhaps they would like a riddle. so I liked the podcast but then they just talked about a riddle for two hours

well it will make more sense one particular no not a bunch of it just one folks folks it'll make more sense once this venue is flooded and we are shot yes exactly then you'll get it all it'll make total sense if you haven't seen it that's the Batman

so no we're here to talk about Rocky Five, the ongoing of Rockford Balboa. I wish he was Rockford Balboa. It's Robert. It's revealed in this the whole time he was legally Robert Balboa.

Yeah, Bobby Balboa, man. I will sell you a shitty car. Come on down to Bobby Balboa Chevrolet. It's summer days. You can get a new what's the line? What's going? Oh, cars. Yes, cars. Right. Because keep in mind, this is the movie where he's

I mean it's where he gets pretty severe Sylvester Stallone was just born with brain damage just a little bit probably like smoking or alcohol with the mom I don't know maybe feel alcohol syndrome I don't know I don't know I'm that I'm not a doctor okay you know Rocky's also a character man he's not like

that what I thought the golden ticket happened and he came into this world. I'll explain on the train home tomorrow. I guess we're about the documentary Rocky 5. This is from 1990. John Aviltsin returned. He directed the first movie and then went on to do all the good karate kid movies. And the bad karate kid movies also, I guess. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, this is a thing. It's a total sin with shitty movies like this. The first like five to nine minutes is just the end of Rocky 4. And you're sitting there like, didn't think I'd be missing this. Honestly, I mean, I kind of get it's been five years. But the movie, like, like, like, like, like, it's, like, it's in, like, a TV and VCR, like, you're in a classroom. Yeah, the teacher's late. Yeah, the movie's not ready. Watch the other movie. Here's the, in the early, like, Superman 2 has this. It's like, hey, here's what this thing. But that was, like, before VHS was everywhere. Like, you have seen, you watched Rocky Ford to get to Rocky. We know what happened there. Yeah, we know. We know who got. And also, it's a Rocky movie. And also, it's not fucking dives out.

done it. Do you know about Drago? Do you remember Drago? I do. And he beats him. Could you imagine Rocky won in that one? How about that? And I know the thing that was on all of the fans' minds at the time was, oh, my God.

But what happened immediately after Rocky Forendt, when he was just in the locker room taking his shower? Oh, glistening ass wet at fuck. We got one up. There was a fantastic. ass shot and stop where my mom will shoot just does not just does not hold up to the naked thing right there. Oh man I love a naked thing uh sly your cox in the shot take it again cock's on the shot ball tucker ball tucker we need you as I keep saying John I got no problems with him man let it fly I'm taking our rating fuck it Rocky 5 the first NC 17 movie where he loses its fortune and you see his cock And he goes on to star and fuck.

You have one hour to call in to call in the film. That would be if Rocky was like really hit in hard times you and say, well, yo, Adrian, man. I think about doing supportive flicks, man. Nothing nuts and not forever, you know. No, Rocky, don't do it. Please. Well, that's her role. It's to say no at every fucking turn.

If you fuck too hard, you'll be disabled. Like, Adrian is doing everything that she can to prevent this movie from happening. Just turn it off, turn your VCR off. The theater. I told you, I told you, okay? It's different. It's not this Noggin. It's that Noggin. I mean, it's the most thankless role

in all of cinema. Because the first one's like, oh, it's a sweet story about like a meek girl and a big dumb idiot having sex. Beautiful. And it's beautiful. It's a good movie. It's a great movie. But, and then after that, she's just like, now Rocky, don't have any fun.

Rocky, you can't go back to, you can't go back to Russia, but so, like, like, like, like, like, like, but he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, calling Adrian Mickey, like, it's getting really bad. And you realize, here's the thing. This is one of the saddest movies you'll ever see. Jesus Christ, how often is he calling his wife, Mickey, you know? Mickey, uh, do the tongue thing you do. Oh, yeah, babe.

Rocky, are you really imagining me going down on you? Your beautiful wife is right there. I'm not going to go down on you until I hear the bell. We got a lot more weight than I realized. We don't take a dive. Come on, your bum, come already. Come, your bum. Hit harder.

Hit me harder. Hit me harder. Catch the chicken. By that, I mean, yes. Have sex with me. Beat the meat. Beat the meat. That's even better.

Later in the movie He's, he's, he says, you know, you know, The difference, the difference is a hero, willing to explode all over the guy in the right moment. Rocky, you gotta think about what you say before you say it. Yeah, but, I mean, this movie is cripplingly sad. It's sort of weird, like, that trailer is like,

look at the exciting conclusion of the Rocky Saga, right? It's like, and he's gonna get it all back. No, I feel like we don't have to underline, though. I feel like, though, like, like, still don't know how many people saw the movie before tonight. A couple folks. Oh, wow, not a ton. Well, good thing they showed you the whole goddamn thing.

Yeah, the rest of you know what happened. But at the end of the movie, he's supposed to be killed by Tommy Gunn in the original script. He was supposed to be beaten to death in the street. And that was, it was about a man getting brain damage And that is brutally beaten to death That's protege. That's the original draft of this film And God damn it would I have loved to see? I know, man.

It's a rags to riches tail, you know? Highs and highs and lows and they're being beaten to death at the street. It's rags, riches, and then ditches, man. Because I'm dead. I mean, he wrote this thing. It's the sole writing credit on this movie. Sylvester Stallone. That is screaming, please don't make me play him.

anymore, please. Please, please. I feel like I feel like, man. He dies. He dies. He dies. He does. He doesn't want to burn his body so bad. You can't even clone the dude. No cloning allowed. I mean, that is the weird thing about it. It's like, everything about this movie keeps on telling you he does not want to do this anymore. He doesn't want to be Rocky. Rocky doesn't want to fight anymore? All this stuff. But then at the end, he's like, he still got it. Doesn't he still got it? Everybody, come on. When the taxman comes calling duty, he fucking played him three more times after this movie. I guess that's the difference is Sylvester Stallone just need money for a new, I guess, a room for all the glass tables just to store the mall. Storage facilities are really expensive. Oh, I guess we had to ask this the other, right. Does everybody know the glass table thing? Well, that's why it's, you know, the E on iTunes there is for educational, not explicit. It's a fetish he has. Allegedly. Allegedly lays under a

He defecates upon the glass table and there you go. And he just likes it. I definitely heard some people hearing that for the first time. Of course, sure. Apologies. I hope you weren't eating a big pretzel when that happened. And you know what the cool? Listen, I mean, let's not king's shame. Some people just like shit waterfalls.

It's absolutely true. And you know, it's cool. I'm almost 40 years old. How about that? And I just told a room full of strangers About Stallone's smear So, oh, I fucking hate your guts Come on down to Stallone's smear

No, do not come on down. He likes to be... We promise it's just bagels. The Balboa Bagel Company. Do you think he ever lets one rip as well? Like, oh, I'm going to get up, oh, now I'm getting up off the cake with the floor and up. I really don't know.

Anyway, the theater of the mind. is very, very fun. He goes back to the United States of America. And they're playing the music is It's a movie. It's a movie. Remember it's a movie and this is fake. It's like Hans Solo being like, all right, Luke.

Let's go glow up the Death Star. Hey, let me put on this cool song. Oh, it's a John Williams score, Luke. How about that? I don't have tape decks in Star Wars. You know, there's probably some hard drive stuff going on in, like an MP3 player. They still have winamp in that world. Chewy, I can fit 12 songs on this.

Chewy, it really whips the Lomba's ass, this win amp. It's fantastic. You have to be 40 to know that as reference. Apologies. So there's this press conference that happens. all of the boxing literati is there to ask him questions and everything. like real boxing reporters, which is kind of interesting for 10 seconds, but this seems like 15 minutes long.

And they're all like, oh, what are you going to do next? What are you going to do next? And he's, you know, she, Adrian is saying that he's retired, blah, blah, blah. Too many people on this day is with the microphone. Pauly's got a microphone. What the fuck are you saying up that for? You don't let that fucker speak in public ever. No.

Ever. No, no, no. Well, this before it was cancel culture. But I mean, you know, that dude would get you got one thing to say about it's, oh, oh, turn off. The very real and dangerous cancel goals. And then I think, well, it is appropriate for the son to have a microphone because someone has to want to ask him, how did you age five years in like the matter of months here? Because this takes place directly after four. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, like he's like, like, like, like, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, time tunnel, I wrote it, I don't give you shit. I mean, he just, I mean, he just defeated Russia, okay, it's Drago, but he really defeated Russia is what he did. Why isn't the president here to shake his hand, is my question. Well, Rocky, you just, you really did a great job here. Knocked out that Drago. Hey, Barr, look, this is the one that knocked out Drago. Well, we should send Rocky back there now, right? Oh, he does actually. He does actually, he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does like, he got to go to what doctor is like I just want to go home which is smart because if they if you went to a doctor at the Soviet Union they would have fucking cut him up dude.

They would have just found out what was going inside that ticker like ET at the end of ET because it's like this caveman physiology like no one's really seen this type of thing before now I'm picturing a team of dudes in like hazmat suits. and sickle on it's like M of E. They're like M of E. They're like M of Rokin'em of Rokies. Dude, a army of Rokies up our own ass. Oh, that teaches something good. Don't give him any ideas.

Or no, just add him to Drago in pieces. So he's like the end monster from the thing. Oh, yes. We should have a Frankenstein in this franchise. At this point, I mean, the underlying thing here is that he's fighting a younger him, but he should actually be fighting a younger him.

I'm, dude, dude, man, yeah, yes, man, yes, but I want to box it was that the, was that the, was that the Gemini Man or something? No, that's Gemini. It can't be both. Lucky guess. You know, he could just punch, he punches so hard, he could go through time, you know, pull out his son older, pull out a younger version of him. They all came in. And then he fights them. Yeah.

Polly thrown a little bit of stones in this press conference, by the way, because they're, like, some reporter is like, oh, Adrian, did you learn how to speak? He's like, he's like, he'll let out and drink a lot of vodka, motherfucker. motherfucker, motherfucker, what are you're drinking? What are you talking about? He's drinking in every scene of the movie, and God bless him. Man's got an IV of vodka on him. I mean, it's just, the funniest thing is, like, so they're all there. And you got to imagine first, like,

Paulie, shut the fuck up, I got to do this. They gave Don King. Oh, I'm sorry, not Don King. Definitely not Don King. Not Don King. George Washington Oh yeah Which sounds like the name

A little bit It's a little weird George Washington Duke You have been sentenced to death And to hang till dead That sounds good For obviously assassinating A president of some kind

This is Richard Gant Who you may know As the guy from Jason Goes to Hell who plays He's the coroner who just eats Jason's heart For some reason in that movie He's also one

of the cops he's assigned to find Lobowski's car the big Labowski. The credence. He has his own he comes in it's an airplane hanger

and he has his own microphone what a great man Rocky Balboa is and I'm like who wired this guy? That is a response to Rocky being like yeah I don't know I don't think there should be any doctors in sports

Ever, absolutely. He's attempting. He's attempting. He's attempting. He's like, man. He's like, man. He's not. He's like, yeah, man. Boxers should not also be doctors. Yeah, that's right. And all the press people politely go, ha. And yes, out of nowhere with, he's got a check. He's got another boxer with him. This union cane is this other guy. Oh, sure. Yes. Stoneface non-actor, actual boxer. Here's the problem with all these movies have had like, you've had like Mr. You've got Mr. You've got fucking Dolph Lundgren, Hulk Hogan even like really people that can hold the camera is like let's get real boxers this time. Terrible idea. They're just dead-eyed monsters.

Yes. That's what boxers are. See, that's the idea they should have gone with is you give Drago the Bane serum and then you turns into Schwarzenegger. Oh, shit. And then they fight. I think that's the best way to do it. I would love to see him mutating into him. And I know, obviously, like, like, like,

both with boxing and UFC and whatnot, like fighters talk shit and intimidate and all that stuff. With this movie, like, with this character, you know, the promoter character, they're taking it up to like professional wrestling levels. Like, it might as well be a fucking glass shatter sound effect when Stone Cold walks out in this airport.

Oh, did someone fall on my table? Better not have broke the table. I mean, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, like, like, don't you have other things to do, dude? Like, don't you have a house somewhere else? What could be better than reenacting the movie steak out in the middle of Rocky? I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, like, no, you're not. He said, no, a million fucking time. Well, he just has to find a hook, Steve. Yeah, he's just, well, I do like the hook that he proposes at the airport, because first of all, it's like, oh, we'll never be.

be able to get this off of the United States, definitely to go to Japan. How about we to Japan? It'll be called letting it go in Tokyo. Okay. Look, what we can do, this is John Albertson. Hello, I'm the director of the picture. I did a movie called Karate Kid Part 2.

We just do that again. We just do that again. We go to Tokyo. He's settling a blood food in Okinawa. Oh, yeah, dude. I got problems with that Mr. Miyagi, too. I'll beat that piece of shit up. Here it is, dude.

It's discovered. uh, cross overseas the service, States. Rocky's got to go out of you. No, it's literally Mr.

Mr. versus Rocky Balboa and Mr. Miyagi beats him within an inch of his life. Like really? That guy's like 60 years old

and four feet tall. No problem. Oh no. Both my hands are broke. You see that guy? I mean, you see him. He's the size of a Lego

figurine. I mean, I could take him and throw that man. Wow. Then he could like run Cobra Kai, I like where all of this is going. It would be a nicer It would be a good retirement for him too, right? I guess that's what this is. Trying to be

a manager of some kind. And failing. Terribly. We go, so he's, Adrian says he's retired and many of the boxing commentators do not like this. They start yelling at him. We go back to their mansion and he's really excited. And in front of us, he grabs his son and In front of his son he grabs, Adrian is like, hey, hey, it's so great, he's so cool. You want to go upstairs? I'll violate you like a parking meter. Dad? Dad, what does that mean?

And she says, if you got 25 cents, and I'm like, your son's there. I don't know. Right there. Yeah, but I'm talking to Mickey. Come on. But, like, how does one violate a parking meeting? Well, here's what I'm thinking is he just really. I recently watched cool hand Luke just took the head look like that's how you're like that's what you're like that's what you're like to take care of all yeah oh this is how it'll go man family annihilation time to do it let's get it going that actually with the with the fortune being lost I think that could be an easy avenue for this movie how about burn that mansion down for insurance money at least you're

It's got to kill Polly. You have to kill Pauly. You have to be in the basements. Did we say that Pauly's whole scheme there where he gave power of attorney to some crooked accountant we never see? No. Who's the villain in the trailer? They're like, and he has been taken advantage by an evil accountant. They didn't cast anybody for the accountant. I need to see it. I need to see that accountant. I really do. But Pauly ruins For people's lives at once He's like, Adrian, why are you give me For you life? He actually says I'm not taking the heat for this

I thought I was doing Good business This is where you give this old drunk A fucking rabbit punch right to the skull And bury him in the backyard Enough is enough enough With this guy Call in whatever favors you have with the Philadelphia mafia mafia.

And get rid of them. You know what's been looking for a reason anyway. Totally. I want to say real quick, pro mafia show. Oh, absolutely. They are here tonight. Of course. Any of the audience?

So in the audience, thank you for your service. Thank you so much. Thank you. For us, the mafia is the troops. Yeah, that's true. It's true. Oh, man. Not a joke.

Don't laugh at them. But Rocky's tucking his kid in. Oh, he's like, hey, hey, man. You got a lot of cool doodles here, man. And it's like, it is, it is, it is. And this is just one of the several reasons I can never be apparent. When you have to fake positivity about a shitty piece of art, because this is the absolute worst drawing of Rocky Belboa ever.

And he's like fishing. And he's wearing like really short shorts. Like, man, man, man, man, that is the most beautiful, and definitely, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, man, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That's, it's, it's, it's, it's finger painting. That's what it looks like, really. It looks like he just jabbed his fucking hand all over. You would like to finger paint the next one, wouldn't he this kid? Right?

What's this teacher's name? Madame Dumont. Yeah. Well, because he's like, Rocky's sifting through the photos, and he's like, uh-huh, me fishing, me swimming, me golfing. None of me bagging, by the way. Oh. Uh-oh, and he holds it's in me, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, it is just like, like, like a, like a line drawing with the fucking biggest rack in the world.

I really, this woman would fall the fuck over. Yeah, okay, it's just not possible. I was about to ask, this is probably not to scale. No, I don't think so. No, this is one of them like, you know, it's art. An ad pops up on your browser, you know, cartoon shit. And I click it and get a virus. Yes, you're talking about every day.

I know, I know, okay? I know, okay? I want to see, oh, we'll just, we want to show you, this incredibly salacious drawing of your teacher. I know your name is Robert, but I guess it's our crumb, really. Let me ask you this, Jr., is this picture always right here? Do you move it around it all in your room? Can I finally here again?

No reason, no reason. Hey, what's this? Do you spill some milk on there? What is it's a crinkly? There's people trying to eat fucking pretzel. Dude, he goes back. Look, comedy's about challenging, so they might choke. He goes back, well, Adrian, guess what happened?

I told you who it happened. We shouldn't have taken him to that Roger Rabbit. Your son's in love with cartoons now. Now, all of a sudden, all he wants to do is have sex with cartoons. It's totally about a chap before he finds that about anime. man, he's lost forever. he's lost, he's lost. he's watching neon genesis

again. He asked me tentacle play was, man. I am not looking forward to this kid's adolescence, man. Polly? What's a hentai? Well, you see, Rock? What's it? No, I'm not going to do it. She's not going to. Come on, Rock.

You never saw a ninja scroll. Come on. The Stone Man? But yeah, he says a sweet scene He says, and then this is what Polly He's ruined their lives As he always does Honestly, honestly, if I was a super villain I'd have Polly as like my cooler

I just send him into places to make sure people failed Oh yeah Anywhere you go, you just put this guy next to Batman He's doing nothing You need that bakery to go out of business Have Polly go there every day to buy coffee And it'll go out of business in like a month And it's, because what happened is the guy, the lawyer while they were in, the accountant, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, was like, hey, I need, uh, I need to file a tax extension, sign this piece of paper, but it gave them blanket power of attorney.

Whoops. Oh, come on, Ron. I don't know how to read. And I'm just signing your name, I guess, and this is standing up in court and we don't fight it at all anyway. What, I mean, what the, what was the, I really just wanted to see the page. must have just been, I have all your money now. Polly. And that's got to be it. I mean, like, like, like, if you saw, if you remember the first movie, Polly also beat up on Adrian. Like, this is not a good guy. This is a guy that

doesn't need, you could have an uncle that doesn't live with you and doesn't have fucking all of your finances all tied up. Yeah. Especially because like, if he still owns that house in Philly, which he does because they go to live there in a few minutes, uh, just go there. Go back home. Also, you don't have to live in that's crazy. Also, he doesn't like James Conn the shit out of the Like James Con and Godfather. He's beating the brother-in-law with the fucking garbage can top. That should happen to Paulie in that first movie that never again in the series. That should happen to Paulie in every movie. Oh, keep him in and he's getting beatings in every movie. Instead of the boxing match at the end, it's just Paulie getting his brains beat in.

Every single time. In the fourth one, you know, Rackett can pick up that robot, beat him. to death with the robot. I like all but how about we replace them all him more and more a good one. Why don't we do that instead? He should manage literally every aspect of Rocky's life.

Yeah, do you want to my manager? I don't need a manager. I don't need a manager anymore. Polly's my manager. Because it's not even like, Adriette's like, oh, you need to help my brother. She hates his guts. I don't get it. I think he's got like photos or something. Or maybe he like threatened to like, you know, brag

to the mob about something that went down back in the 70s. Rocky, you can't know about the glass tables. Oh, man. You can kill me, but I told the robot about the robot. The robot knows all and I only know the code to the robot. We got to remove him with that robot from the movie. We got to get rid of it. I know. Where's the fucking robot? It should be here. Well, that's what's fucked up. And it would have been a moment for some fun folks, right? Like, he realizes he's got brain damage, has to retire else he could die. buying the accountant you goes to the accountant fucking broke you want to do some commercials don't do that man it's like what is

left to happen uh oh estate sale that robot needs to be in the driveway with a fucking price tag on it just to bring back the memories of the good times it could be a pull out from the face of the robot

to reveal all that's going up for sale like you see the yards the estate sale it's reflected in the visor the robot oh yes that's it that's a lot And then a bunch of jowas by it, you think? Oh no, I know where you're going.

What are you're trying to pull on us? They're hitting it with the rifle to see if it works. Uncle Owen, this robot's got a bad motivator. It would be awesome if someone is pushing the robot like up on a moving truck and it's just like, please erase my memory. I don't want to remember my first family. Polly put a bow on me.

A bow. I'll miss you forever robot. I'm going to get a tattoo of a she loved me I guarantee Polly did yeah, of course he did yeah, it was just the one tray

only for Pauly she's like the robot is calling I'm like hi how are you hi Polly my love well we should have got sexy voice yeah it's got sexy voice we should have a Kathleen Turner voice

that Stallone did anyone ever in the room watch that Rocky 4 a recut where it's basically out. Is there's there's there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? I think it's just that. Revisionous history. Bullshit. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm sorry. Dude, you put a robot in your movie in now forever. There's a robot in. If you recut that movie, you put more robot in. Exactly.

Make it a movie about the robot. Make a separate movie about the robots. Look, man, if George Lucas can recut his shit, take robots out, put other shit back in, man, I'll take that robot right out. Exactly. You know, you rename, you know, you know, like, like, like, like, I'll look back. Oh, you spill some milk in this robot? What the hell is.

So they go to his lawyer, and his lawyer does have a great question. It's like, hey, man, you know, like, he should fight. And Adrian's like, I don't want that because of the brain damage that we're going to learn about in a minute. And Rocky is like, oh, no, no. And Polly even is like, why did you do a couple commercials? He's like, I don't do that, man, because that would so. solve the movie. That would take like three and a half minutes. This movie's got to be longer. There's a one-off line from someone, like I guess the other lawyer here that's like, no, you can't because there's controversies surrounding the accountants. The mafia will come back.

No one is bringing up the mafia, man. That guy fucking single-handedly defeated the Soviet Union three months ago. Come on. Just be like, oh man, I love Wheaties. Is that it? Oh, yep. That was just. solved the entire It's over with Have you ever Have you ever heard of Oh totally? They get American

To do ads All the time Ridiculous amounts of Money? It's Centauri, Sam Yeah, Centurin, man

Now they make condoms too, man. They have this little ice cream called mocks It's delicious. Or sell the robot to the

military. I mean, honestly It's a scientific breakthrough. It's the 80s, the short

circuit program failed. to do it's time to do. general half or flap has to do we are told micky has bequeathed the gym to the kid so rocky goes their place in total fucking shambles

like I think hobos are fucking in this thing oh of course a lot of like empty bottles all over the place he's living in this fucking mansion and his beloved you know Mickey just lets that place rots I mean it is it's disrespect You had, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I mean, like, I'm at the very least, put Pauly in that place.

Yeah. Yeah. Put him in that place where there's nobody else. Or how about put that Tommy gun guy there instead of fucking kicking your child out of his bedroom. Yeah, that's another, it's another, bad move by Rocky Balbo. But I love that he, before he does that, he like, oh, better get my poor clothes out of storage. which is this weird because Adrian finds him in the attic

like what are you put in all that old clothes and it's really a thing where he's like I don't know man I figure if I go back to the old neighborhood and I'm not dressed like I did exactly in 1976 no one's going to recognize me I was looking at all my old stuff this is me from Rambo

and this is me from lockup and then he gives Adrian's like oh look at your old glasses let's cosplay the first movie we hey shit we just invented cosplay. This movie's really This movie's really is out. What if I just In the attic in the attic? Would that extend things at all? What if I get visited by a ghost?

He does. Oh, yeah. He sees Mickey. He has a vision or a flashback rather. It's a forest ghost. Yeah. It is a force ghost. I'm dead rock, but we get older in heaven. Somehow we get older in heaven, rock. It's all a lie, rock. There's eternal bliss. I'm just getting older. I made friends with Thomas Jefferson. It's just kind of a St. St. Peter's a cruel taskmaster. Somehow there's maggots in heaven, Rock. It's terrible. But you have to remember to go to the Degabas system.

I was hanging out with the gang of four in heaven yesterday, Rock. But yeah, you just got to, you know, Mickey tells him that, you know, never give up. and all this this really nice golden glove to me by Rocky Marciano. Oh, that's a guy's a name first I was Robert you see and then I was like say

Rocky. He's not using it dust it up. Dust it up. Is he dead yet good? Nice. They, I mean, and like we now meet up with Urban Philadelphia in 1990 which might as well be Dickensian

bullshit. There are literal like, hey, hey, yo, oh, like, like, like, like fucking factory were you running one of which is Kevin Connelly. One of which is Kevin Connelly as the most disgusting shit boy I have ever seen. Yeah, man. Yes.

He's a Hall of Famer for sure. And then he grew up to become a disgusting shit man. Yes. My God, I think he's still this tall. Yeah, he's exactly this all. Now he's a disgusting shit, my gody, my goddy. I'm my goddy. You guys. You guys, you guys, right? You guys are clapping for the actual John Gotti, right? Not the movie.

Just want to make sure. The real hero. They are moving back into their old crappy house and they have these like leather and everyone in the neighborhood is just watching them fail. This is humiliating. Like, you love him so much but no one offers to pick up some bags and schlepping into the house. They're like just fucking asking for autographs and he's like, yeah, my life is in the toilet, man. I'll stop. inside this fucking notepad.

Maybe some lady like, Rocky, you used to beat my son up welcome back. He's living with me now. He's been living on my couch for the last 40 years. He doesn't say much. He just hums the tune

the family matters. Oh, no, that's full house. Oh, I must have brain damage. Whatever happened to you? No, that's a fucking family matters. That's a fucking family matters song. Oh, God, there you got it's Love and the forgiveness

Some people say it's even harder to fight Well, there must be some magic glue Inside these gentle walls Is all I see Something to something Real love person out of every seed As a circle rises That was unexpected

Beautiful When you're moving back into your corner of bad neighborhood Don't do it in the car You're begging for a home invasion You know what I mean? Like when you buy the new TV You put it in at night You know what I mean? You're going to sneak that thing in there

This is where the former celebrity lives just so everybody knows. I turned off the light in the window, man. there's a bunch of dudes, like, like, oh, shit, it's the strangers. Oh, my God. This reminds me of something totally stupid. When I was a kid, I thought a B&E was breaking and entering.

Like, you broke a door. That's the entering. But you break an and entering, right? Oh, so you thought it was more like an accent. I'm like, let me just open this door. Whoa! And now I broke it. while entering. That's a crime. That's what I used to think, man. It's fucked up, I mean. So speaking of the

the scene in the doctors, we're still at a time where if you ever say the word sports and CT in the same sentence, you're getting your head blown off. So we have to make up a special, what? It's Sevacum, nasal. It's an actual thing, but it's apparently like not what he should have had to prevent him from boxing. so like somebody fucking call someone that is an actual doctor while you're writing the screenplay and just change it out for the right one. I'm Sylvester Stallone. I'm high on Coke and I am writing this in two days. Flat. Flat.

I do not have time for research. And no one will ever check anything ever. If I, if, I should say, if when I fail, I will not go back to my old neighborhood so everyone be like, hey, look at the failure guy. like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, you know, go to fucking New Jersey, go to Newark, go to, you know, go to Brooklyn, go anywhere else where people aren't going to be like, hey, man, I remember you used to, like, fucking, you know, be a piece of shit and now you're dressed the same way. But you came back with this really expensive looking leather luggage set. We're going to totally fucking steal it from you one night. But you're dressed like you're in Paradise Alley, which is just strange. Um, so Robert goes to school and we're,

walking through the old neighborhood. is when people are like, he's depen up my son. kind of rules. Love it. He's pretty good. And he's explaining to him again, because Philadelphia is such a shithole. Yeah. Movies words.

Movies words. We loved it. We got a riddle today. He's like, oh man, the kid's like, oh, it's like, oh, it's Urban Blight. I was reading Rush Limbaugh the way here. Written by

Sylvester. deludeau. We need we need urban renewal now. gentrify as fast as even is it's just where the atomic hoagies used to be i.e. a white business and then it's turned into like a South Asian

deli. Yeah. And then the kids like yep urban blight. You know that's bad Paul you know when you said it's bad you know I was just in the rest the other day and he said it's just out of control. I don't control. Man, man, man. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, man, I'm just dead.

Yeah, I'm just, I'm just, I'm glad Rush Limbaugh's finally dead. Beautiful news. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. You think they buried him with his fucking golden microphone stuck down his throat? I hope so. Like, he's in a fucking sarcophagus, they just jammed it in there. They just buried with them extra oxy in case he got hungry in hell.

The dead eat nothing as we learned from the riddle. I forgot the riddle. Rush Limbaugh. eats oxy but if you do you will surely die true true thing so yeah Kevin Connolly beats the shit out of this little rich kid real quick oh it's awesome man it is awesome this dude goes down he steals his jacket and it's like cold out and they're like yeah rich boy

fuck you rich boy and it's like did you not see the news man there's no rich boy there's no rich dad but he says your dad's a punk and punches them which is cool I to be fair Kevin Connolly is being hind his friends are being run by Fagan at some, somewhere else in this movie. He doesn't have a dad. He doesn't have a dad, he doesn't have to but it would be awesome if we did cut to like Kevin Connelly's house or something and his dad is just some dude from the who fucking hates Rocky. Oh, I like this. And that's where he's like getting all the hate speech from and whatnot. That's what the movie should have been. It's that. Like at the end he fights Kevin Connelly's

Irish dad. Oh my gosh. That is some bare knuckle boxing I can get behind. They need to round out this world more. I mean, at the very least, we should see what the school situation is. is besides fighting outside of them. I want to know if Rocky Junior's got any like the last school. I want to see inappropriate doodles in the classroom. Welcome back to Sylvester Stallone's inappropriate jude.

It's like Bob Ross, but dumbers. You just put a little titty here, a little titty there. Oh, we got a nice little pair of titties, and now we round that out with some of them all. Looks like she's going to fall right over. A little nipple right there? Darker?

Coming up after the commercial Joe Keefe paintings The way they're supposed to be done This way it's explicitly you know I'm going to go on a huge limb And know that Sylvesterlo does no idea Georgia O'Keefeith No clue

I love that painter Georgia Atlanta He would like it He should figure that out We meet Tommy Gunn right here This dude Dude sucks. It just sucks. I feel it's a thing. I think it's the thing where it's the fifth movie. It's got to be like, it's got to be like, hey, sly man. And if you make another one, man, oh, I could play the opponent, right? And then like all legitimate actors were like Rocky Five. I don't think so. Well, I have a theory

I think it's because, Sly does not take He doesn't do that. So you need Bifakery. True. And this guy is pretty thick. I got to tell you. Oh, dude, it's quite thick. He's double C right there, my friend. T-H-I-C-C.

Oh, got it. Yes. Forgot about that spelling for a moment. So I give it to him, but it is weird to be like, hey, Rock, how you doing? Can you help me out? He just like appears one afternoon. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like Tommy Gunn is, like, like he's, like

like his house, watching the drago fight, like, that's the guy. That's the guy that can take me to the top. I got to find, like, something. He just shows up in the street, like a fucking ghost. It could be, like, a Tyler Durden situation. We don't know. I ain't ever seen you with Tommy Gunn in the same room, Rock. What's going on?

Well, all I know is I got to put a gun in my mouth. I destroy something beautiful. Yeah, that's right, man. I just gleefully beat the shit out of Jared Letto, man. Yeah. Go rock. I didn't hear no rock. The one thing about fight club is I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to keep talking about it. I'm going to get new signups, man. I'm going to take this worldwide, baby. His name was Pauley. And he's dead now because of liver disease. He didn't really have Madame DuPont tits, but. And let George Washington do quiet. assume has been circling the guy's got nothing to do. This is the worst scene ever, Tommy Guns there. He introduces himself. Multiple other characters in the movie walk into the scene. And then he's just standing in the corner. It's like it's being done on a stage. They're exiting and coming back in and around. And also, Adrian's there. And the pet shop's there too. He's literally just like leaning up against the wall of the movie. He's like, all right. You guys do your talk about whatever man. Me and my Oklahoma.

man ass going to be over here leaning against the movie. Come on. I'm going to kind of be the villain. Don't worry. You know, George Washington Duke's giving him the pitch again. He's like, you know, I can make you rich, et cetera, et cetera. Adrian, who has taken up work. And again, like, at her old part-time job. And like, that's, you can't do that. Because you know the boss is like, well, look who it is. Oh, yeah. Little Miss Rich Girl. And she says something, too. She's like, oh, Diana said, I can. come back, and you can just imagine well, well, well, how's your robot? How's your robot? I read about that robot the news. You're not good enough for pets you needed a robot.

Well, we had to sell it, Mrs. Chiarillo. Wow, lucky you held on to that first house, huh? Just really making her eat shit. Again, I would have liked to see her. Like any other character, she does nothing in this movie, now you stop that. You stop. Again, like he's about to do the thing we want him to do, which is box. And Adrian comes out and says he's not going to do that this time.

Stop the movie. She's like the police at the end of a Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It just stops everything. So whatever, man. Tommy Gunn makes his way into the gym and he's like, you know, just give me a shot. Rock can do? He's like, man. He's gonna do some gentle, right here. Just some gentle, see what you got. And this dude fucking tries to pull a fatality on this guy. He is beating the ever-loving fuck. And everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And like, I don't know, Rocky, step in, man. This is your fucking gym, dude. This is your reputation on the line. This is your deranged hillbilly as well. Yes. And you would want somebody more. It's Rocky, Pauly, and a guy looks like the guy from Windy City Heat. Like that's it

You need another beefcake there Somebody to be like, that guy That guy also kind of looks like A little bit I wanted to cover the bases Because I think four people in the entire Known universe have seen fucking Windy City Heat

Yeah, yeah Well just know he's a short king Right? Yes, he is That's true And I mean I'm pretty sure that would get you Not disqualified Be like oh you can't follow basic instructions

and also like boxing isn't about it's about doing so, oh, nobody's like, wow, Tommy, Tommy, you're real good at beating people up. You send him on the next hay truck back to fucking alcohol. But instead, he's like, no, you can, you know what?

My son has had it too good. He doesn't get a bedroom anymore. He's sleeping with Polly. With Polly. Dude, I mean, well, first of all, you got to set this up a little bit. He's like, Hey man, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, you can barely afford to

I'm sorry, my wife with this. We can barely afford to feed myself, my wife, my son, that alcoholic little goblin that ruined our lives. We can barely afford to feed ourselves. But yeah, you too, you deranged hillbilly that is sleeping on the streets, come into my home. Who just wanted to be trained? He didn't have to give him a room in his house. And if anything, send him to the gym. The cot in the gym. They're sitting down. They're sitting down. Adrian's like, like,

He's a crazy person. He's like, man, I remember my dad would be so good. I beat him with an inch of his life. Hi, could I have some more of them Maricottis and such? The son is right there. And he's just like, yeah,

I was almost beaten to death by my father. And your father, hey, maybe you'll beat the crap out of him. hemmed one day too. dad, are you're gonna, is that's that's that's like, Adrian's like, I'm hanging on a thread, I'm hanging on a thread, I'm hanging on a thread,

it's shocking she doesn't leave him in this. Of course! That would have been tough. The Rocky's divorced, dude. Yeah. We can't afford it, Adrian. It is kind of awesome though, because you can see her soul split in half in this scene. Because like the dinner's bad enough and this

fucking huge boxers like cargo load and whatever, hey, man, man, man, man, man, man, and she's just like, like her heart shatteres I got brain damage, which one's my son, I think it's Tommy, yeah. Oh, good. Come on, poochie, you can live with us forever. And, but the kids, like, but I'm living in this. I don't know, you can sleep with your uncle Pauli, a fate worse than death. And Paul is like, I'm not saying.

you no sheets. Dad, dad, dad, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, in the bathroom. Because it's better than sleeping in a bed with that, son of a bitch, man. On a pile of dust and paper, I will sleep. And you're right, Eric, that is, that is fucking Burt Young's first reaction, like knee-jerk, like, I ain't changing no sheets of nothing. I hope you like gum crusty. I got it just the way I like it. Hey kid, hey, you plumbing work here. Does your plumbing, hey, hey, you piss the bed or what? You want to sleep with your deranged, listen, listen, only one of us can piss the bed for make this work.

And I was there first, all right? At least you Rocky, Jr., I just got to tell you, I have very vinegory balls when I sweat. So you just got to get ready for that stench, okay? I'm not doing anything to help it. I'm shocked that the riddle didn't lose the riddle, but vine, uh, uh, that's when we lost him. Everyone, everyone loved the riddle. It was crafted in your city. And, uh, and even during the day, a little Rocky, like, made the basement into a shrine to his father.

He's like, oh, wow, kid, that's fucking amazing. Go hit the fucking bricks with your gross uncle, though. And the kids, like, trying to tell him about his first day at school. And he's like, oh, man, don't. change the station, this is my son now. Fuck you. You clean it out for Tommy? You clean it out for a new Tommy. Look, Jr., here's how it's working, man. Tommy is now my son and now you are the son of Pauli. Oh, God. And that's what you don't get. You don't pull your weight around here, man. I was in Russia for six months, man. Not one job you got. Starts calling him Pauli Jr.

Oh, no. Lesson one, Polly Jr. steal everything. rock has. Dude, dude, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, dude, dude. Dude, dude. Dude, dude. Uh, uh, uh, selling, like, Rocky memorabilia. But it's, like, a dirty-ass coffee mug. And he's like, yeah, Rocky uses just, like, 10 times a day walking around the house. No, I didn't clean it. No, you can't, you see his lips on there? Yeah, yeah. He also has a prop that I want, which is, he's got these binoculars, like, oh, maybe he's into bird watching, you know? That's pretty interesting. He's a cultured man. No, it's actually

a flask. I love how you were like, oh, like, oh, oh, he's definitely I was trying to give the dude, dude, that's your fucking first mistake, man. He's got peeper written all over that, right? Routy Paulie Piper, dude. Look, rockin this one, look, hey, look rockin this one,

there's whiskey and this one there's cocaine. You know what you could probably do with that? You could probably like eye chug alcohol, right? I think the kids are doing that now, right? I don't know where I... It's butt chugging, dude. There's butt chugging there. is that. Excellent. Excellent. I would love to see that. You know, you know, you know, you know,

well, I'd be able to find. It might hurt. I kind of think, Chris, your notion of, like, in one part of it is whiskey and the other part is Coke. And he, like, Paul, he's just, like, so fucked up one night that he mixes him up. And he's like, ah, one more belt of scotch before eyes goes to sleep. The go, wah! And he's just choking to death on cocaine. And little Rocky Jr. is like, good. die. He's like Aaron Paul. He's like Paul. He's like Paul. He's just. He's just like him. He's just a Tony soprano. Oh yeah. Cover up that fucking nose. Pinch that shit. Right. Close. Absolutely. You had this coming, man. Listen, this is the easy way out. You know how much you fuck me, man. This is the easy way out. I'd be much like Christopher Maltesanti. He's been very annoying. That dude was never once annoying. So now, you know, it's the first of two go for it montages. Yeah, this is like Rocky 5 colon go for it.

Somewhere, someone at the Nike Corporation was like, dude, slide, could you just do like a slogan for the movie? Well, why don't it be Rocky 5, just do it? No, that's a good point. If Nike's getting involved. Oh, that's fair. What with their, you know, global slogan? What is it? Go get it.

Go for it. Go for it, which is like a kitten poster. I don't know why this is a movie. Not good, not good. You're watching Tommy like fight all these people and all this stuff. And it seems to be going pretty well. Like he's playing like Madison Square Garden, like all these huge venues. And then it's like, yeah, Rocky, we ever made a dime, man.

And I was like, you're playing the fucking garden, dude. How is it possible? Somebody, because that, if he, if he, if, if he's like, if, if he's like, he's like, he's like, Billy, he's, he's probably, Tommy going, I'll be honest, probably a fake name. But he, he's got, he's got the goods, he's going to be a huge boxer. And that way, we can make money and escape this place. And no, I got nothing in writing. And know I learned nothing from my fortune to be taken.

Let it does it does it's like The son I never does it's like I never mind the son I do have He likes He's seen like right when they're starting a jog Yeah They go up to a church You know and he's like

Yo Padre man You want to come out here for a second man And like this like little old Italian guy Comes outside and he's just like Yeah man thought you could toss down a couple of blessings Man you're like roll the toilet baby Just toss it out the window Drive through like

What did you be pissed off if you're a couple of pray, throw me, hey, throw me, huh? just toss him down to me. I can catch him. Come along to the front and get your Holy Mary.

And Tommy Gun's probably like Baptist or something, so now he's convinced he's going to hell from this devil priest. It's incredible because the priest is like, oh, and I'm gonna Padre just be on this auntie.

And then like, Rocky's doing it. You know, and you see Tommy Gunn like, oh, man, I'm going to hail from his. Oh, I don't know. I don't know about this Catholic snake magic man. I don't know what these people are in I'm so my mama

I'm so sorry I'm sorry and you know it's kind of a training montage Tommy and meanwhile poor little Rocky Jr. is like getting the shit kicked out of every day at school daily he's got like a little girlfriend now oh Jewel

which now this is a weird thing because they're like 13 maybe 14 or something like that and they're giving this girl speeches about like I can't wait to get out of the shit whole town. that's for like that's for like that's for like that's for like that's for like that's for like that's for literally footloose like just footloose language. Also, but it's fucking Philadelphia.

You know what I mean? Like it's not a one horse town you've got there's multiple parts of town. You can go to the art museum. There's a lot of little things here. Just switch neighborhood. Well, she might want to take a fucking bus. She might want to stick around because Rocky Jr.'s got a nice butt for. an Italian.

is insane. It's insane. we all know. Musilini Oh yeah. That's how he got everyone to follow him back there. Big fat ass, you think? Oh, yeah. He's like the Pied Piper of Fascism, dude. He's just like marching down the street.

Come on. Now that guy, I'd like to see you with a glass table. You know what I'm saying? Mussolini was a dictator that loved a glass table. So he's just hanging in town square and some old lady's like, it's a shamil. still has a great ace. Why don't you hang him upside down? Why don't you're not going to come out? Come on. You executed him all wrong. That's bad. That ass is pure muscle, though. Pure muscle.

But the support Rocky Jr. has to get trained by this Sam Kiddison looking motherfucker who has no lines because Rocky is just giving, showering Tommy with all the affection. Which is like, I don't know, man. Just turn once and be like, Good job, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, I'm gonna kiss you good night. Yeah, Sam Kitteson's your new dad now, man. He's your boxing trainer, and he's your father. You get to sleep with Pauley and get trained by Sam Kittison. I don't know, maybe your mom will come around or something. All right, Charlie, let's get ready for bed.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. One day, I went outside. Thank you, Daddy, Rocky. Thank you. we're going to do good night moon next, and then you've got to go bed by. He does another totally insulting thing to this kid. He runs up the famous stairs with Tommy Gunn. Oh.

That's a big father-son thing. I mean, they do it at the end. Yeah, with repairing the relationship. Well, he had to learn to like his son. That was the journey of the movie, was to like his son. Yeah. I think that's the journey for a lot of fathers. It's true.

It's mine. I'm kidding. I guess I guess I'm kidding. I guess I'm, but it's like two montages in between with the little kid fight I got to be honest, the little kid fight was the best part of the movie. It's better than the ending fight.

So good. Watch these little guys go at it. It's awesome. Kevin Connolly, he's knocking them out. He's giving him knuckle sandwiches. It's wonderful. Not since the good son. Just unbelievable fighting you guys.

here. But unlike the the good son, man, man, man, the filmmakers, not cowards these are real kids fighting each other. You see Kevin Connolly take that punch to the jaw, man. He goes right down, dumb little ass. It's awesome. Why can't we have that in, like, the UFC

already, you know? It's a different way, bracket, just little kid fights. Kid fights, yeah. Give it 15 years. We're pretty much getting back there, right? I mean, they're going to be working factories any day now. Yeah, so I prefer the UFC. If it's between factories and that, I say, let him fight.

Kid fights. brought to you by Fandu. No, no, no, this episode is not sponsored, but Fandu, call us, we need a sponsor, another one. Call us when you start sponsoring Kid Fights.

Then we're interested. Yes, we're going to pass until then. Fantasy football, fuck that shit. Kid fights, absolutely. That's right. Draft Kings presents the Tike Tournament. Draft Kids.

There you go. Yes. Great idea, too. The military could use the kids. Yeah, exactly. The kid. This is how you find super That's right. So he grabs from Kevin Connolly, you know, and they sort of

like settle their beef. And he runs back to the gym and he's like, Dad, I got my coat back. I got my coat back, Dad. And he's training Tommy again. He's like, yeah, man, that's really great. Why don't you go tell your mother about that? She gives a shit about it. I'll have you fuck off for a minute. Thanks.

I'm too busy curling. Tommy's the back gets straight sometimes. It's got to It's got to look good. It's got to look good. Here's the thing. Him and Kevin Connolly They shake on it, which is like a cute little kid thing to do. Then they're hanging. I'm never hanging out with my bully. All I'm doing is following them on Facebook and watching their lives deteriorate.

That's right. That's what you do with your bully. Maybe dabbling in a little black magic to try to push it over the edge. If you've got the money. Yeah, yeah, just a friendly little nudge. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, self-employed, huh? Didn't work out, did it? Like.

Thumb up. Oh, single again, are we? Like. DM. Uh, and then so like the other half of this montage after the kid fight break is like, now you sort of see, Tommy is getting

and George Washington Duke is kind of like like weasling his way in here he provides him with a lady out of nowhere this woman's terrible in every this outfit right she looks like she's turning tricks on the moon it is it's demolition it's demolition man chic

it's beautiful not too shabby I guess it's wild and like I don't know like does he give him an apartment or does he show him an apartment I'm a bit confused I think he gives him the apartment He drops the keys. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he catches him like that.

He gives him a car, he gives him this lady, like, that's all something. I love that the manager issued girlfriend. Yes, that's a thing. But this is all because, like, at a certain point, like during one of the montages, George Washington, too, like tends his fingers and his apprentice, whose name is Merlin, by the way. And we never talk about it enough. Oh, yeah, I forgot about Merlin, dude.

This dude is named Merlin. His first name is Merlin. It's Merlin and he doesn't even have a hat. Well, was that the wizard's family name then? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like Frank Merlin? I guess maybe. Eustace Merlin. Or back then, like, you know, I don't know if they had a lot of last names, right?

Because that was a long time ago. Back then, like Frank of Merlin. That's it. Yeah, nicknames had more weight back then. As soon as you had a nickname, that was your name. I think. So that's why he's like, Merlin, I've got it. I know how to get him.

I'm going to spend thousands, nay, hundreds of thousands of dollars, sink into this big hillbilly and then he'll get so big he like he like he'll get so big hill up he will hate him he will force rocky to fight yeah which is what is something i've been doing for five years now i've done no other new business i guess no that's it's not i mean that's it's the white whale dude like he's trying to get this match to happen it's a big payday for everyone involved so they have him in one scene uh george washington duke literally sipping wine like dracula yeah yeah so that it can pay off line at the very end of this Stallone says

vampires he's saying that George Washington Duke is a vampire which yeah he totally is he's going to suck Tommy Gunn's career dry and then throw him out like garbage like Polly should have been Rocky you have to fight again

one punch to the head two punch to the head down down This culminates The saddest Christmas of all time The saddest Christmas This is insane Oh man

Especially in front of his little friends Which this proves that they're like little orphaned kids Because they're just with the Balboa family on Christmas Eve Yeah Fagan's with his family He's let them scurry around The rest of the city Orphanages clothes children Celebrate Christmas elsewhere

Actually if you could steal some things That are left over at Rocky's place Bring them back to me. They're watching They're watching. They're like, where's that station? Yeah, totally. Can I flip over to that? And it's right where, like, Clark's having to freak out and kicking the fucking reindeer lights. Like, and these kids, these soulless little turds. They're watching this Christmas classic, totally stone-faced. Fuck all of them. You know, why? Because they all have, the boys have earrings now. And the movie's like, I don't know about that. That's why they're not laughing

I think so. They're little They've gone to the dark side. Also vampires. You know I heard Chevy Chase is kind of a piece of shit. You meet him in real life. Actually, well, no never mind. Here's Polly. That's why I don't find him that funny. Look at my reeling.

Your kid brings his girlfriend to Christmas you can't do Santa Claus, like that's, Santa Claus has been It's bad. How about you do Santa Claus? Pauley, my God, this human wreck coming down the stairs. Like, do you ever see photos of like Christmas during the Great Depression?

Yeah. That's what Pauley dressed up as Santa Claus looks like. It's like a Fosbinder movie, but at Christmas. Hey, I rock, I'm sorry. I burned five of my beard. with my cigarettes. Even Kevin Conno is like, even Kevin Conno, I mean, it's, it's like, I'm sorry, it's like, it's like a Santa t-shirt almost and a flat, gross beard that you can smell through the television. And he's wearing jeans. And he doesn't give a shit at all. And fucking Rocky's like, we're not leaving this room till you sit on his lap. You got a shit on that lap. Listen, we're having make-believe here.

you knew anything, dad, that's what I've been doing since you let this weird hobo in my bed that, by the way, is in the unfinished cold basement. I don't want to get my fanny poked when I sit there, right? Yes.

Polly's got a lot of keys in his pocket. But he's like, oh, you're sick. You're sick. I love that he's like, oh, why did you give gifts to the kids from your little, like, he's like, my laundry rack? I don't know what that is.

So clearly he gave, at some during the day, he's like, hey, Polo, it went out of my way, I bought gifts for all the kids. Yeah, I fucking sold it. There's Christmas I was able to sell it. All right, there's Christmas, spirit of the new season, around, I hope your kids like skin marks. Come on, pass it up.

Pass him up. Used underwear. Every kid likes it. Oh, look at this. A radio station TV. shirt that's only mildly stained. Dad, Dad, Dad, dad, this is just loose spaghetti. Hey, man. It's a thought that counts, man. Thanks, Santa for that loose spaghetti. Come on. Come on. Thank you. Thank you for skitties. He blows up at his dad. He's like, you don't care about me. You care about Tommy, et cetera, et cetera. Correct. By the way, he's got him dead to right.

Absolutely. If I'm that little kid just watching TV, I'm just funny, I'm like, put the volume up. No. One of the Griswold's up to? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope, I'm going home. I don't care if I don't care. I'll sleep, I'm going to be in the fucking street. When you would be at a friend's house and your friend starts fighting with the parents while you're there, holy shit.

And like even a minor argument, like a disagreement, I was out. This is a nuclear fucking fight. Holy shit, just leave. It's getting emotional. It's like, yeah, thank you so much, Mrs. Balboa for the... Mrs. Balboa, can we get the keys to the gym

so we can go sleep there on Christmas? Yeah, Fagin said he said he got to go I got to the fucking sewer dude So then they go out on Christmas I can't believe it I just Ignored my son for a calendar year And all of a sudden he's mad at me What a baby man

I gave him everything Pasta salad A bed with his uncle Skin marks And George Washington Duke comes in and he's got all these gifts. If you didn't like Pauli at all, get ready to like him less. Because he says, guess what's coming to dinner? But like, guess what? Yes.

The what is the problem. Assassinate this person. God. Also, like, because Adrian is like, by the way, Pauley, can you handle this man? Like, Rocky's in the basement or whatever. They just had the fight. She's like, you go handle them. He's like, got it. Come on in, guys. He's useless. He's useless. You got presents for me?

Give me the presents. Dude, you don't see what George Washington Duke brings as presents, but I would love it if it's just like t-shirts with that dude's face on it. We ran a new line of merchandise, and you're the first to get at Balboa family. It says, Tommy God number one.

Old Union cane t-shirts. Yeah, we can't offload these, man. And Tommy breaks up And it's really sad He's just like, man He got me a title shot at this other guy And you never could

Etceter et cetera And Rocky is trying to teach him Like, you know Exactly how Mickey showed him How to do stuff So you don't get fucked over in this business Unless you have a scumbag brother-in-law That fucks you over

You know On your behalf I guess But he's like you know He's like listen This business is full of crooks Like of all the professional sports It's the most crooked I want to show you like

How you can navigate Nope, nope, man. Nope, man. Get out of here. I got to go fuck this lady that looks like And this is when they have an emotional Adrian and Rocky scene where she's like, you know, I love you still, even though everything's terrible. It's the ninth time in the movie someone is screaming in the street. You would have to be out the window. I know it's a stereotype. But God damn it, it's the middle of the night. Please stop arguing in public. You know, we were excited that you moved back. But from the. The day you did, they's been arguing in the street, asshole, and all the argument is like, I fucking hate it's garbage people live in this neighborhood. I ain't no garbage person.

Adrian, I was watching a movie, man. It was called Garbage Pail Kids, man, and I was like, that's how I live, man. This is my Philly neighborhood. This is my Philly house and my Philly fucking family. We're all garbage pale kids. I actually keep my house quite clean and have nice. presents for my kids. We are every day every day.

I'm going to night school to get out of don't be a dick about it. They got good riddles, though. That's for sure. That's for sure. For a nominal fee, I will assassinate your brother-in-law. I have my own white barrel.

Oh, yes. That's how it has to happen. Put it in the thing while he's still alive. And so, seal it, them choke on the acid, worse character, worse character, you just find a good drain.

after that's all you need after that. You'll find a good drain, man. So it's Tommy's title match, right? This is kind of it, it's happening? Oh yeah, man, big deal. The pay-per-view guy introduced it, I think. Rocky tries to win back

his fortune with this boxing match. I do have to make one point before, with the interactions between Sage Stallone, and Sylvester Stallone. he's this one. He's like, you know, you got to you got to do it. He says, I intend to. And then he's like, oh, my God.

I mean, you're the smartest kid in the world for knowing the word, intend. You know, yeah, I'm forgetting things every day. What's your name? And you're learning stuff every day. I was just going to call you junior. Yo, man, what's an intent, man? Is that like a tent you sleep on the inside of your house with or what, man?

Yes, man, dad, man, man, instead of intent, whatever you should do, dude, that's the other thing. So long as you stay at Tommy's bedroom. Is there no couch? There's got to be a couch. A couch, right? Put that little kid on the couch? Whatever. I would sleep in like a sleeping bag in the kitchen at this rate, you know?

So it's the night of the big fight and like Tommy's fighting this guy, Union Kane, who's got like three and a half lines of dialogue. It's pretty useless. and Rocky's that little kid that's that's that little kid that movie with. Yeah, because you're supposed to realize, Tommy is doing exactly everything that Rocky taught him. Yeah.

I guess who could care. And it's a weird, actually one of the funnier parts of the movie is like the first time he hits the bag that's in the basement. It scares the fuck out of Bert Young. He's the funny. Burr, I'm spilled mscotch.

Mom, should we leave? Mom, should we leave? He seems to be up. The whole family's giving each other's side looks like, This is freaking out. He's freaking out. He's gonna go into a rage. He's gonna annihilate us.

He leaves and he looks like Tommy Gunn. He's got a wig and the shorts. We're the same person. He's got that big man. I'll just be him. I'll just, you know, we'll switch places. You ever see that movie Vertigo? It's like that. Yeah.

Yeah, make this painting of Tommy Gunn, man. Put a little bow with his hair, man. You want to climb up I'm from Oklahoma Oh yeah Better movie by you're better than Rocky 5th No no yeah Also true

Thanks for clarifying So yeah he's he's play fighting with his family Who are very very concerned for his well-being And he wins the fight surprise, and of course, and of course, what he goes to thank, what you would think, uh-oh. George Washington, thank you so much. It's more fucked up because there's a thing where Rocky, like, earlier in the movie has been like, yeah, man, like, I want to look out for you, man. I want to be like an angel on your shoulder, man.

And then, dude, this Tommy Gun is like, there's the guy who's been like an angel on my shoulder. And, dude, they cut to Rocky's saddest movie in the franchise, and he's just like, here it comes, man. They're going to say, they're going to get paid, paid in comedy. But it's so amazing. This world, only talks about Rocky at all times. Because the whole thing is like, oh, Tommy Gunn is just a clone of Rocky. He's Rocky's puppet. He's Rocky's robot, this, that, the other thing.

And then the guy, again, at a boxing match that has nothing to do with Rocky, he's not even the trainer anymore. He's like, well, it's kind of fucked up if he didn't thank Rocky. And I'm like, who's talking about Rocky? You are? And then the whole arena starts chanting Rocky's name. You know, you know, one cannot but think about that Italian

Who lost all his money Someone now is just always But Joe Montana It's like, dude, it's been fucking 20 years Joe Namath Would not allow this And so Then there's another

Press conference scene and everyone's like Oh, it's Oh, it's all right, thank you very much. Refill break. It's another press conference scene, everyone is giving Tommy gun shit. This is incredible. You're a paper champion, they call him. This is the part where the four of us are like, well, we've never watched a real boxing match in our entire lives.

I don't know what any of this means. But they're basically saying, like, he's illegitimate because he's making his way to the championship, fought a bunch of, like, shitty dudes that weren't tough enough, I guess the idea. Because he fights, what, a cane union or whatever, enough glass in his jaw, he should be called a chandelier. Nailed him. These guys are just razed this dude.

It's fine. A little razz here and there. It's like, hey, Tommy Gun, why don't you fight the red head in the front row? She's easy enough. And I'm like, hold on. She's cheap. She's cheap. And it's like, that's just another woman in this crowd. It's stunning stuff.

Yeah, but we're talking about things that aren't happening right now, right? We're talking about Rocky. We're talking about the lady. And so, like, Tommy Gunn, And again, his acting is professional wrestler acting. Like, this is what he's doing. And he's like, I'm the champion.

He's like yelling at all these guys. And they're in the locker room. And he's like, the only way, is what Duke tells me. He's like, the only way they're going to stop treating you like shit is if you come out from under Rocky Shadow, which means you got to fight him. You have to fight him.

And the way that you're going to convince him to do that, let's go to the derelict bar that he's hanging out at right now. and fucking challenge them, again, like a professional wrestler. earlier, like, like, like, like, like, like, why don't you go to the bar so you're too drunk to murder us in our sleep? You're totally right, because the whole movie, she's like, you got to stay home, you got to spend time with your son more,

this, the other thing, and then after that, it's like, why don't you go out to the bar with Pauley? It'll be fun. Why don't you drink it away, huh? We won't wake up dead tomorrow. own. Yes, yes, he's a camera crew out, come on, let's do it. He's do it.

And my favorite let's go, man. You're a fucking coward man. And my favorite part of this movie, these two guys are like, these two large, larger gentlemen get up like, hey, Rock, you need any help. Come on, man, this ain't no pie eating content. Which is so,

it's so not Rocky. Like, Rocky is the nice guy. That's the whole thing. He's the dickest thing. And it's the dickest thing. And these dudes are like, man. He's nice to Polly. Yeah, you're totally right. Well, maybe because Polly never helps in the fight that he knows better,

you know, not to ask. No, you got a rock. You go, you go do it. It's what. And this is when Tommy goes into the bar, starts yelling at everybody. Oh, yeah. And Paul is, you're a piece of garbage. You know, Tommy, you're a piece of garbage.

So fucking good. And this is the most It's the most Tommy gunn't the most Tommy gunn't even though Yeah, obviously Go Tommy This is a young man with ambition

Why am I setting against him anyway You needed to be a thing though After he slugs him like that though Polly hits his head on that fucking pinball machine Lights out permanently Million dollar baby right there God damn Better than a bucket, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would, yeah, I would, that would be perfect.

Maybe a tearful funeral, if you want to be nice, you know. Stop, but even still he's dead. The drain, like I said. All right, fine, it's a funeral, but it's a poorly attended funeral, all right? Family only, it's raining, and the priest has the line. Well, I guess no one's coming. We may as well get started. Let's wait another five minutes.

I'm sure there's, they're coming, they're coming. The robot said he was coming. I called the robot Hey rock I was going to come to The weather We got to wait Rock Rock you rock

No he's coming He's coming any minute now He's gonna be here Whoa Chris Gavin breaking hearts All through this audience That fucking joke And you know I'm sure Mickey's coming Any moment

I see him right there There he is He's all in white robes and stuff All my friends are dead All my friends are dead Rockies, Rocky My mother is in time How does a robot have a robot

Listen, we did it for a while But he wasn't a-hole It's hours later He's just laying in bed with Adrian next to him He's looking up at the ceiling He's like, you're Adrian you made The robot have a mother, man Because I think that robot was lying to me

About the funeral, man I'm sure I'm sure it was a microchip She was probably We'll call I'm in the morning But and the promise of all I mean the first Rocky movie The promise of all subsequent Rocky movies

Is a lot of drama A lot of you know Of varying degrees But you get paid off With a great boxing match Right that's the promise That's the deal That's the deal that is sealed

When you fucking buy the ticket To these kinds of movies And a street fight Sounds good on paper. But, and even Rocky 4, but that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, but, but in, cold, like, propaganda, which really just invigorates you. As compared to this is, like, everybody's, like, dying. And you can do a street fight.

Do the street fight in the middle of the movie. And then it's, like, he fucking turns on them. And then we have to have, oh, my God, a real boxing match. Because that has real stakes and who wins the championship and you can count it out because this, like, he knocks out. Tommy, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, um, um, um, um, like, um, he's, like, um, he's, like, like, professional wrestling.

Just when you thought it's over, they fucking slam a chair over someone's head. And the camera gets really nuts here, right? And there's a lot of fast shots and all those weird shit. Well, because he starts having, like, a brain freak out. And, like, the way that they sort of make it into, like, this weird David Lynch music video kind of thing is he's like, seeing all these pictures of Mickey and we're using weird filters. and whatnot. It's like a

like a freeze frame of Stallone's and then blood just runs down it. wild fucking shit I did not expect in this movie. Incredible zooms every which way you want to go. And clearly this movie has been informed by video games because once Rock gets back up from this haze

he starts doing the street fighter Blanca trip him. He's being cheap he's getting down three times. He's like cut it out, cut it out, cut it out. Stop pressing X. No, he just starts doing this. That would be great That would be great Soobes Sibok

Oh that's what it is right Like Tommy gun gets lit on fire at the end of the movie And someone says Toasty It is actually very street fighter Because people in the street are going like And then Rocky's like Oh man I better charge up And he turns around and eats like a bunch of cherries

Punches a crate till it explodes That's what he should do Instead of beating up Duke at the end beats up his car fighting. a Honda car fighting in the car fighting my favorite part. I love the

I love the destruction of property really. So I'm going to shock you here and tell you that Rocky wins this fight. Oh my God. My favorite part is a little Rocky. They find out from the news that it's going on and he comes out and he's cheered his dad. Get that bum dead! He took my room! And I want to be like, sweetheart, your dad

gave away you know what i mean like you want like you want like he should be rooting for tombs like i'm i'm put i'm putting i'm deciding to push all that down mom i'm deciding to push it all down Tommy could have said no man again I will sleep at the gym yes that's all so he did take his room okay that's fair I feel like it's a warranted cry during the street fight okay it's something it's something for this poor kid to do he knocks him into the side of a bust like it's got to the end of it. Tommy Gunn's the one, Tommy Gunn, which I mean, he must have murdered back in Oklahoma, and they finally caught up with him. We have so many warrants out for this man. My God. Oh, my God. His real name is Dick Whitman.

Dick Whitman, you've been sentenced to hang until death. Yeah, I was fighting my daddy, and then he got kicked in the head by a horse or whatever happened on that show. And I knew this guy in the military named Thomas Gunnowsky. But that's the thing is either everyone gets arrested or nobody does. Not just Tommy. Rocky also does a fucking awesome suplex on this dude. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Like we are just wrestling at the end of this movie.

And it's just, it's lame. It's not fun. It's not cool. But if kids did it, it would be awesome. Yes, absolutely. And in the middle of the fight, he goes up to Duke and he's about to punch him, Rocky is. And he's like, touch me in all sue. And I'm like, okay, that's, you know, whatever.

But then he does it three times. He does it's payoff. He does it does it does it's payoff. He also does, he's literally just doing the Don King only in America. He says it like six times in this movie. And like when Rocky knocks gone against the bus, it changes and he just puts a question mark

at the end of it. And he's like, only in America? Learn my lesson. Only in America? But he's like, touch. me and he putt me upro cuts him and then like rocky me for what? It's America

you can't go down. You can't go up but you could always go down. Yes. And it's America in 1990, dude litigation fever running through pop culture. It's the 90s. We're going to sue you. Oh, we'll see you. Sue you. Sue you. What's that again? Oh, Suburban Commando. Yes, it's a

fat guy in Suburban Commando. That says, you know, you know, I'm not going to fight you're not going to fight you. I mentioned that because he was also in my mom will shoot that actor. But just to clarify, he's not in this movie. No, no, no, but, you know, we're on tour, the knights are blending together.

Thank you, Washington, D.C. No, no. I'm kidding. Yes, boo that town. We like Philly way more. We love Philly. We love Philly. in here, it's a real city. That's just not. I know they have

I'm just a real city. We love the riddle city. Yes. The priest drops back in for another the credits are coming blessing. Like just out of nowhere. He's like, yeah, sure, one more Rocky, whatever. Oh, yeah. You get a blessing and you get a blessing and you get a blessing and you get a blessing and you get a blessing. I'm so glad you beat that guy in the street. Oh my God. Just like Jesus wanted. Even you, even you, despite you dude, you're the priest's trying to do an exorcism, that would be fucking great.

The power of Christ compels you. It's too strong. It's too strong. Hey, man, your mother sucks cackerel or whatever's going on out there. Don't worry about it. I got the stigma out of rack. I don't know. He's throwing up green, but I don't know if that's just booze or what. I'm just...

It actually... That totally tracks because much like, much like, much like, man, fucking Reagan, Paulie definitely has downstairs stared at a room and just pissed on the floor. And then Krabb walked up the back of the stairs. Dad, Dad, Paulie's levitating.

Bert Young's like, I had to stretch for so long to do that. Now I'm just picturing that. It's pretty funny. The last scene is that's funny. The last scene is there's the very historic steps there with the rocky statue. Anyone got the photo with the rocky statue or is that something that rubs do? Rubs, rubes, it's rube. It's good to know.

Were you going to go tomorrow, like, fucking take a picture like a loser? Not anymore. I mean, apparently that would make me a rube. Excellent. You don't want to be a rube, dude. This is a very important scene. because this is when Rocky fully realizes he doesn't want him. He doesn't want him to just go away.

So he's there and they go look at the statue of his father. I mean, I don't know, man. As long as your old man isn't a dictator, like, it would be pretty cool if your fucking dad had a statue in your hometown. I'd be a little suspicious. Again, hi, dad. I guess Lincoln never had that honor, right? Well, not during his lifetime,

but there's a pretty fucking big one down the road. where he just were, because like, right? Yeah, indeed. It's like, then there would have been a poli statue Ooh, but he gives he gives him the cuff lick. By the way, he was going to give this cuff lick away

to Tommy on Christmas because he, so much did he love this fucking bimoleted hick. Hey, cool. You had to let it fly. I had to do it. I had to do it. And, like, like, like, like art or whatever, like, like, like, like, like, hey, like, hey, like, like, like, oh, hey, dad, I think you're really going to like Picasso.

And he's like, hey, man, I like everybody. It's literally, the last line of the movie is, I like everybody. And then kicks in the absolute worst Elton John song you have ever heard in your life. It's the measure of a man. Oh, it is brutal. Before you can lose, before you can choose, it's a measure of a man. Yes, that was the only song I was the one for Rocky five.

It sucks. And he sucks. Him and Jamie Bell wrote that one. Jamie Bell. Is the other guy and Rocket Man? Oh, he plays the... That's a great movie, by the way. Rocket Man.

Fucking, that dumb queen movie came out the same year. What was it called? School of Rock. Yes. Jack Black played him. What was the name of the movie? Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, right.

It's that forgettable. I forgot the name of it, which is also the title of their most famous fucking song. But I already won an Academy Award for it. With my jumpers? No, you can play Elton. I forgot about that Rocket Man movie.

I thought you were talking about a Harlan Williams vehicle. I was like when he goes to space? Yes. That was exactly. Fantastic film, by the way. And this dumb, plays over, like, like, like a five-five film victory lap.

We get one, we get two, we get four, and you get all a fucking five, every last part of it, including the shitty Christmas. Oh, my God. Dude, I saw it. I just sat through it. Remember the good times. Remember the good movies.

Your glory's on the wall. It's fucked up. We're going through all these movies, and we get to part four, and I'm like, here comes. Clearly, here comes. Clearly, snub city. No, fuck, fuck, the robot in the victory lab. The robot got ferreted, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't Apollo, too? Yeah, Apollo's barely in that. That's kind of weird why they don't do that. Yeah, it's strange. You get the shot of Rocky at the funeral with the sunglasses on, though.

And you get, like, the coffin getting pulled, pushing the wall. Yeah, what are you talking about? Poh's there? Look at the coffin. I look pretty cool. these sunglasses. Take all the just me and the Apollo stuff out. Nothing nothing cool about a funeral unless you got sunglasses and that's Rocky 5 folks. That's the thing.

It's the measure of a man how many sequels will you do? Depends upon the checking account so we have to start wrapping up unfortunately but we want a big give a big thanks to all you all you've been great. It's been great. Very cool. Big thanks to punchline for having us back. Tip generously, by the way. Tip off and tip generously. These are hard times, folks. Now, like we do here, if you've never seen We Hate Movies Live before, what we like to do at the end of every show is just try to touch base with the film lover community, right? And see some of the public thoughts out there about the movie that we cover. and one of the absolute best places where you will find organized,

and not at all unhinged movie reviews is the internet movie databases. Yes. Entertainment Weekly. I see. So we got a few for you here this evening. The first one here, one out of ten stars. Oh, no. Shocking. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm, uh, uh, uh, so fucking.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Darwin was right. How long is this? This is These next two details tell you everything. Everything you need to know about this person. I'm already ill. Username, pathetic cinema. Written on... Is this a competitor of ours? Written on Valentine's Day 2009. Nice, nice, nice. I see.

I see, yeah. you, you, fuck you, fuck you, this is the Valentine's day we're about to read. Put this on after that fucking bitch Lori left. No, no.

All right, here's the review. This movie proves without a doubt that we all did indeed evolve from apes. The series died at number four and this film cremates the series. The script tries but fails on every level

to interest the viewer. True. perhaps this is due to the fact that this movie has the audience, however, has plenty of the door. this guy's not going on Valentine's Day though

wish I could go out the door on Valentine's Day. Fucking bitch Lori left. You know, he doesn't even appreciate Andrea. He doesn't even know what he's got there. Hey, babe, want to come over and watch Rocky Five and crack wise at it?

you've hung up you've hung up on me again. when early man Jesus didn't guess this was we had ten pages left it'll be fine folks like the 2001 of movie reviews

little did he know that millions of years later his efforts would contribute to this movie being tossed onto one fire I think again here's the thing I read these exactly as they are written if it doesn't makes sense. It's not our problem. Tommy Gunn is probably the least charismatic character. That's true. That's

the end of that review. Okay. No real conclusion. Just that's it. Okay. An exclamation part of mine or anything? No, it was just, nope, period. Okay. That's nice. Next one. One out of ten stars. Oh no. There is no such a movie. What? Written by Seseed. March 22nd, Yep. Yikes.

I know where this guy was on Jaze 6th. On his computer, cheering it on. Correct. March 22nd, 2002. Rocky 5 has made it to my, quote, Black Ops list of films. I discused me.

This man's going to get arrested for trying to kill Stallone. I disavow any knowledge of this movie's existence. That's how bad it was. Uh-huh. Don't worry. It's got good company. Like Highlander 2. This motherfucker is comparing to Highlander 2. Get that name out of your mouth. This movie has Tommy Morrison as Tommy Gunn. A food

Stamps Don King. Whoa. Hey, again, I'm just reading it. Rock's Wussie Son. Was this written by Ben Shapiro out of care. Oh yeah, because the next sentence, I went home and fuck my wife's brains out. That's what Ben Shapiro lies about all the time. The only hope for this Drek,

hey, would have been Pauly's robot embarking on a bloodthirsty rampage and only Balboa can stop him. Hell yes. Yes. Good review. Right? Hey, Rock, we've got a shopping ball situation. Go out here.

All right, man, man, man, so I sewed the robot man, man, man, so I sold the robot to this mall, man, so there we go, one more to end the evening here, 10 out of 10 stars. More like it. Let's see it. Subject line, wow. Written by Owen Wilson.

Bevo 13, 678. June the 1st, 20th. maybe a lockdown maybe a lockdown nice another brilliant storyline and stuff we've been we hate movies

from New York City thanks so much for coming out Philadelphia you have been awesome as always we will see you next time get home safe bye bye That was a lot of it. HateGum podcast.