We Hate Movies - S13 Ep649: Christmas with the Kranks

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

This week on the program, the gang is having Christmas celebrations shoved down their throats while talking about Christmas with the Kranks! Why is Tim Allen jacked in this movie? How sad is it seeing Jamie Lee Curtis doing grocery store pratfalls? And will someone tell these goddamn neighbors to mind their own business?! PLUS: Tim Allen as Bane? It could work!  Christmas with the Kranks stars Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd, M. Emmet Walsh, Erik Per Sullivan, Cheech Marin, Jake Busey, Tom Poston, Caroline Rhea, Felicity Huffman, and Austin Pendleton as ‘Umbrella’ Santa; directed by Joe Roth. Perfect for your last-minute holiday shopping—check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new SW Crispy Critters, MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna? & Mortal Kombat designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program, break out your frosty and get ready to get bothered by your neighbors because we're talking about the indefensible Christmas with the cranks. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Santisca. Ah, ha, ha, ah, Chris Cat. And we hate movies. Hello,

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. It's Christmas with the cranks from 2004. We are directed by Joe Roth. Oh, yeah. We're cranking off. Oh, yeah.

To your point, Chris, do you think if you saw like Tim Allen and Michigan shopping at like a grocery store? Would you thank him? No, if you just give him a. You think he's getting mad at you? I think that's a dirty look. Yeah, he's looking directly into you. Yeah. Just like I think.

Oh, you think that's funny. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like a like a just out of nowhere. that's a problem but if it's a thing where it's like you and him there's some sort of some some sort of nonsense happens at the register and you got to make some comment about like oh geez I hope this is the right one or the wife's going to get after me and then you make eye contact with Tim Allen

and just go rough rough rough he's like yeah rough rough rough indeed correct correct young man that's a rough rough I think if he can notice that you're both rich and white he might be nicer to you you might be like you know what, you get this one. Yeah. If you're wearing a Trump 2024 shirt, you go, ah, roo, he's like, ah, arroo, arroo, arroo, indeed. Do you want to come to my Christmas party? Ruff, rough, rough, rough. Right, because he's become quite right wing, right? He has, indeed. He had that show,

that reactionary show where he runs a vlog or something. Last man standing. Which that is like, he's doing a vlog, dude. That is a fucking B-line to a Jan 6th storyline. Oh, yeah. That's what I assume they were building towards. before the show was taken off for a little bit. I don't know if it went back on for too long, but I know it came back. It did

because it was that big quote unquote victory. Fox picked it up when ABC or whoever was too much of a fucking coward to keep it on the air. That's why I think that's also why Ray Donovan lasts for as long as it did is because they're like, we have to let them keep having charisma.

It's like five conservative fucking like somewhat mainstream actors out there. Donovan Sr. trying to stop the steal on that show? I did not follow it. Surprise, surprise. After about one season, it's like now. Oh, I thought you were fucking Johnny Chris Donovan. No, no, no, sir. No, no, no. Johnny Chris Donovan. My love for Liam Schreiber can only go so far. It's early. That's just curious with Johnny Chris. It's a nice expression right there.

Yeah. This is like Tim Allen, like, he's kind of jacked in this movie. Like the opening shot is like, look at my muscles. I'm Tim There was a short period where he like kind of bulked up and he wanted everybody to know about it. Well, did that have anything to do with the motion picture Joe somebody where he was boxing? Oh, yeah. Puddy wasn't it?

Yeah, I didn't putty. And Belushi's in there too. Yes. Yikes. Puddy cucks him at work and it just goes over very badly. Or did he bulk up for the shaggy dog remake you think? Is that where it started? Or maybe he used these right, it's just 2007.

So he was right around. thinking maybe he gets Bain. It was just, it was down to him or Tom Hardy. Oh, okay. Yeah, I could see. Either of them in the role, actually. Oh, Chris Nolan. Hello. Oh, what time is it there? Oh, yeah. I don't understand how time works over there. Anyway, I should, do you have a mask yet for it?

Because I would really like to see the Bain mask. Rough, rough, rough, rough, you, I was born in it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ruff, right. You think that a hu is your allies. Now, Chris, let me tell you something. I think this would be more dramatically, you know, just stable if Batman was across a fence whenever he's talking to Bain. Oh, Batman, I see you've met Bain's wife, Jill. Oh, my son Randy.

Oh, man, he breaks Batman over his knee and he's like, more power. But then he's always complaining about his knee afterwards. He's like, oh, when it rains. Al Borland is like, you could have broke that back better there, Tim. Just Bain with a huge Detroit Lions winter coat on. Yes. He wouldn't blow up that stadium. That's that much.

No, no, definitely not. It's their year this year. I'm blowing up the pottery barn. My wife wanted me to go there. I said, sorry. Oh, you got to get in the character. I said sorry, Jill. I couldn't go to Pottery Barn

because it's a cratering hole in the ground. Rra-Rah-Rah-Rah-R-R-A-R-R-A-R-R-A-R-R-S-E-Ras been recast from Leigh-Necid to Richard Karn. I don't think so, Bain. This is way more fun than Christmas with the Cranks. I think that casting someone with an actual criminal record to play a Batman villain. It's smart. Might be good. Two criminals in this movie, by the way. I'll point out the second one we get there. Oh, I can't. Wait, is it sexual?

No. Thank God. So this movie, it's your classic case of it's directed by a person who is normally a very successful producer and sort of fumbled into directing this. But check this out. This guy, one more title, and we have to create the We Hate Movies Ten Timers Club with this guy. So previous episodes that he's either directed or produced America's Sweethearts offbeat the

Judge Reinhold movie. Exorcist 3, house guest, the jerky boys while you were sleeping, sabotage and do little. Wait, wait, the guy directed, no, he produced. He was producer on all of those, except for America's Sweethearts which he directed. I think it would be awesome of the same director of Jerky Boys and Exorcist

3. That was a thing. That would be an amazing film. Look, I like to, bring some variety to the career, you know? You can't just do the same thing all the time. But we should thank this guy. I mean, this guy's made us some money. I appreciate it. Thank you, Joe.

Some fodder. Keep him coming. Also, I mean, you look at that producer list, by the way. It's a fucking stay tuned laundry list. Don't even worry about it. And I mean, like, the good news is you've got, this movie is a firm. It's a comedy firmly in the tradition of knee slappers, like the firm, the rainmaker, runaway jury. Yes.

Really funny movie. The chamber. you bring up all of those John Grisham stories because John Grisham wrote the book Surviving Christmas or I'm sorry Skipping Christmas. Okay so that's the original title there. Yes. Yes.

Which they say it should have just been. Well I think it was what I read was that movie which is funny that I made that mistake. The movie Surviving Christmas was coming out at the same time. What the fuck one is that? Is that Vince Vaugh? Gandalfini and Ben Affleck. Oh, right. And he hires a family I think.

Is that the thing? Yeah, I think he hires the film when it looked normal and like James's gonna be it's because he's rich. I guess I'll be your dad. I guess I'll be your dad. Never saw that one. It's a better if I's got a few now right because there's reindeer games. Yes. That's not, is that set at

Christmas? I think it is. It is. It won't. Is it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was a Frankenheimer joint, I think. I was confusing reindeer games with, uh, what is that fucking, is it a John Woo movie? Oh, paycheck. That's what I was going.

Oh, yeah. That is not set of Christmas. Paycheck, not set of Christmas. No, no, no. bonus maybe if you're good company bonus set at Christmas that's set at garbage so it's this fucking like little boomer cutesy comedy Christmas book that is then adapted by king of the 80s Chris Columbus yeah for a movie he doesn't wind up directing and it's just this guy it's just but there's so little here like this movie like it's air it's like not in a good way but it's airy I also don't think it knows what like I don't think anybody, like, needs to say anything. But, like, whatever it is trying to say, it doesn't know what it is. Well, because it flip-flops on. It's just trying to say, could you imagine?

I mean, could you imagine skipping Christmas? Yes. This movie, more than anything, is a cautionary tale about getting too close to your neighbors. And why anything beyond a polite hello? Yeah. You got to cut it off. Or you got to be really careful because this this neighborhood where they're all like,

come on, buddy, we're a family. S my fucking dirty D dude, are you kidding me? You know what? I think it's fine to become friends with your neighbors and all this stuff. I think that's if you want to, you know, go after relationships like that, I understand it. I would just suggest you do not move to Dogville. I would suggest you not do that and just go around people because everybody is insane. Everybody's just fucking crazy.

Hey, where are all our walls rock, rock, right? It seems like Tim Allen was insane prior, right? He was like Captain Christmas of this neighborhood. He's got that party every year. That's what I, you don't see any remnants of that whatsoever that like he enjoyed any of this. You don't know what he thinks about Christmas one in the beginning or at the end, really, like, which is kind of the problem. You want it to be like, you know what? Every year I get stuck doing this stupid shit.

We spend too much money. I'm sick of it. Just let's take one year off for us. But it's more like, it turns into this bizarre financial calculation, which doesn't make a ton of sense either. But he also wants everybody to know, like, how bold he is for doing this. I mean, we'll get to the letter he writes everybody in his fucking office, which would make me, I mean, I don't think about ever walking into a workplace and shooting everyone, but that one might just steer me there if I got something like that. I like that because he's handing it out as letters.

No email. And he's like doing tricks to do it. He's like, oh my God, here's a letter. He's very like so much fun. He's snappily delivering these I'm not doing Christmas letters. I mean, the thing is though, aside from that, which like the theatricality of it, give me a break. But I am on Tim Allen's side here. You should totally be able to say, listen, we're just not doing it this year.

It's a real problem. And I noticed it even in my own family. we're much better now because we're way beyond it but those first few years where it's like people are getting older some people are dying off we want to change the holiday plans

a little bit those first years of trying to crack away at that it was an impossibility and like people need to stop being so like oh my God this is what we've done for years on Christmas but here's the thing

that is your family that is people that you are actually you are sadly legally but whole to you know what I mean my fucking neighbor my fucking old ass neighbor is going to tell me what I'm doing for Christmas he can fucking eat my

shit when someone's they definitely should chow chow chaw I'm gonna eat your shit there I'm gonna slip it through a straw putting your turn on a hot dog row you know me yummy there's this M.M at Walsh as the nosy neighbor across the street oh this is Cincinnati

shit chili you put it on spaghetti and you slurp it up Eric, you were making a point before I said, yeah, I don't know No, it's just when someone is like Way, way, way too into Christmas Especially with characters in this movie That are like, you have to celebrate Christmas

You have to Someone who's super into Christmas Always kind of gives me like white supremacist vibes Yeah, it's a little, it's a quick jump that way It's a quicker jump that you'd like And I like, I'm not a crazy Christmas person Me and my wife enjoy it always put up a tree In there

You've got a bumper sticker, you're yelling at it? people. Oh, dude, Christ is left on the highway a long time ago. Keep the Christ in Christmas. I need a ride! Did you just say happy holidays to me? I'm going to strangle you. I'm just guaranteeing anyone who's got that also might have a hood in their closet. Oh, no, yes, for sure. That's

the creaking the Christ in. I don't say happy holidays. I love saying happy holidays. It's fine. Enjoy your holiday, man. I like when I said enjoy your holiday. Yeah, enjoy your holiday. Whatever that happens to be. I guess, you know, some people get mad that people say happy holidays, and I don't understand that. But I guess because they live in

like, you know, like a fully white town that has never seen. Like New York City here, you don't know what anyone's celebrated. No, exactly. And it's none of your business. Yeah. And see, that's the thing. You can be totally fucking into. I mean, we're pretty into Christmas. You guys are in my house right now. It's fucking decorated to the nines. Like, you deck the halls. You know, we get into it. I really, I truly love Christmas. But here's the other thing. If you don't, I don't care. Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's where this whole

foisting the holidays upon people like you don't know what people have going on and again to Steve's point the whole the neighbor thing the family a weird thing in this movie is how unlike something like a holiday masterpiece like Christmas vacation where they acknowledge the fucking the pressure the descent of the family upon your house and all that stuff where's fucking aunt Trudy coming to the yearly Christmas party where so all these people associate with are these neighbors, you losers. Well, that's, I, I need to see what Tim Allen did to alienate his

entire family. It had to be something, something happened there. He wrote another letter. This is the thing with Tim Allen, and I think that this has been the, and it's not just, you know, because he's conservative, blah, blah, blah. Him as a comedic presence, with the exception of Tim Taylor, has been incredibly

unlikely. Yes. He's just, him being unlikable as a duck to water, and he's unlikable in this movie. And home improvement, you know, better or worse, based off of his early stand-up, at least it's coming from a perspective. Yeah. And just putting him in a movie trying to be funny is not funny. Because if, I mean, I

remember I liked his stand-up. I remember watching his stand-up and enjoying it. They had that fun set. Remember he put out those fun sets with all the like the fake drills. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the shit in there. And like he's doing, he's just telling jokes in his fucking garage workshop, dude. That's what that was. And he was, he had

energy. Yeah. Like he was actually, he cared about his showmanship. At this point, he's just like, there's this scene where he has to pretend to be an accountant and it was very clearly like just play with the calculator yes just just just play with it he's not whatever you want with it it's just like yeah I'm shooting the scene I mean think about it this is 2004 this movie comes out Thanksgiving 2004 so this is 2003 when you're making it more or less right think at that point about all I mean if you sit back and think about it for a second it's kind of staggering if you just try to guess how

much money Tim Allen has oh yeah and think about all those fucking movies he made all through the 90s like into I mean he's not making movies so much now I mean he's got that dumb TV show still maybe I don't know but like he's got the the Santa Claus show oh yeah the Santa Claus show that I'm convinced because they gave him that to make him

shut up about light year oh dude he was trying to start Jan 6 about like year he wanted people to storm the Disney Disneyland about light year I almost think that's why DeSantis really dug in on them I think that's really like what was driving him at that point. I could see them doing a stop-to-steel at the Magic Kingdom for sure.

Conservatives now hate Disney because they acknowledge that some people aren't white or whatever. Whatever their problem is. They're calling Sean Baker, how did you sneak in into Florida Project? Can you tell me exactly where you found the in-pass to get in there without anybody telling you? Those rioters just like murdering goofy in the streets. No, because you know what, dude, I guarantee you the Disney security is way more fucking trigger-happy to the Capitol Police Department, so they would just be executing people out of the Magic Castle. Not to mention the, which no one knows about, the Disney Secret Police.

I guarantee if anything ever went down, there would be like fucking in Michael Jackson's Bad, Moonwalker, yes. Like the Joe Pesci, like army of people in leather outfits with helmets on, they descend upon it. Yeah, like the leather Nazis. it's like the security force in itching scratchy land these are actually Mickey rounds

they explode on entry that's how we can pierces your chest it explodes into 10,000 pieces and you just hear the fading sound of and you know you wouldn't look at it

you're a little boy you wouldn't want to see this but it actually the wound is in the in the shape of Mickey's head it's much like the pancakes on Jan 6 they definitely arrested a lot

of older fatter sons we open on Chris on Tim Allen's huge guns literally the first shot of this movie is his bicep it's like it's weird too because it's a Rayvonette's Christmas tune that's happening here and I was like

the movie started and I'm like oh fuck I haven't heard the Rayvonne that's a really long time now we're talking and then it's just bicef I'm out of here I think he's trying to do a we might be fucking on Christmas oh he's trying he's the poor bastard is just trying to get laid out.

She's actually really trying to get laid too, but it never happens. They're a sexual older couple. Oh, they get down every Saturday night. We're told. That's the thing is they do suggest there is a weekly standing appointment. Yeah, intercourse appointment. Yeah, absolutely. So they're doing, but at this moment, we, we, this shot, they're just up like both like,

it looks like they just got into an argument. Yes, yeah. And I was really confused because like, I guess what they're trying to say is they're just nervous because Blair, their daughter. is about to go to the Peace Corps and they, like, had trouble sleeping or something. But, like, it looks like this. This is like the cover of scenes of a marriage. Yeah.

It's just, it just looks like they've just been through it. Well, you can see, dude, this character, this Tim Allen character, maybe having an argument about this daughter going to Ecuador for the Peace Corps. I think it's Peru, right? You know, I don't want her going down there with those people kind of a thing. Well, don't worry. She's only going for a few weeks. This is an insane time. timetable of fucking patheticness right

here. Like you this only works if the movie starts the day after Christmas and she goes away and she's gone for a year. This movie starts the day after Thanksgiving and this girl comes this 24 year old woman

comes back for Christmas like four weeks later. Come on. She has to because she's a baby forever and her parents want her to be a baby forever and the neighborhood wants her to be a baby. Gregory definitely wants her to be a baby forever. Keep her a baby.

Very specifically, Jamie Lee Curtis wants her to be a baby forever. Because most of the time, Tim Allen, to his credit, is like, no, we're going on a vacation. We've already planned it. Stop this insanity. I didn't get the fucking trip insurance. Jamie Lee Curtis, we're going on the cruise. The other side of that is that clearly he also hates his daughter. Because they're going to the airport.

And, like, he's like, I can't believe you at the fucking the day of this so close to fucking Thanksgiving. Oh, well, he's pissed off. Oh, that's what it is. It's not the day after Thanksgiving. The Sunday after Thanksgiving. Busiest travel day of the year. You got to fly rough, rough, rough. God, I can't.

I. God, maybe that plane crashes. Maybe there's some problem with the landing gear and I really luck out here. Because he's unlikable immediately. And then like, Jamie Lee Curtis is like, oh my God, my baby's going away. and Jamie Lee Curtis man slumming it in this film They ask

What the fuck dude They ask way too much of her And like This was like her comedic heyday In the mid aughts When she was like freaky Friday Yeah And like but she is just

Falled down in this movie Like Jim Carrey And I'm like that's not Jamie Lee Dude you have Beloved Hollywood icon Scream Queen for life Jamie Lee Curtis Sliding across a fucking

grocery store floor. I mean, it's humiliating. She's humiliating herself in the fucking tanning bed scene. Well, they're, they're trying to, I think they're trying to start a new era of scream queen where it's not so much, you know, a horror screaming as just like worried screaming. Because there's a lot of her going like, oh, that's what's weird, right? I think they're capitalizing on the fact that they have Jamie Lee in this movie. Because like part of it, like the comedy is like the horror. of the holidays, especially when things start getting madness or whatever. And she is definitely doing some Lori Strode screaming in this movie, no doubt about it. Her whole thing is like, it's trying to be like, she's trying to be like a Midwestern aggressively not pleasant.

You know, not pleasant to me person, pleasant to someone listening, probably. You know what I mean? Like, I'm the mom in the Midwest. I'm making my honey hickory hands. It's Cindy Walsh syndrome. Yes. She's got a Cindy Walsh haircut more or less. I've never seen Jamie Lee Kerner's with the worst haircut than in Christmas with the cranks. So bad. I don't understand how bad this is. She looks so much better than now. It's been 20 years. Like she looks amazing

right now. I also think maybe there's something with the color correction. Yeah, something. Her and Alan look pretty red or orange or whatever, even without the tanning. Yeah, before the fake tanning, right? Well, yeah, it's them trying to sell her as a mommy. After, like, the whole interesting thing about Freaky Friday is that like she does get to look modern because she's also playing Lindsay Lohan's character. Right, right, right. So they give you the whole thing.

But now she's just supposed to be like playing Jane in this. But yeah. So she is like, oh, my baby. And like Tim Allen can't get there. He's like, well, no, enjoy your flight. You know what I mean? Like you can tell it the script is asking for him to be like, oh, my little girl's going away and he's just not there.

Hey, can't do it. Hey, honey, do you mind if I want to, I just want to talk to the pilot. Would you like a drink, sir? Would you like a shot or two before you get up there? Oh, you don't need to lock this door here. You know, some of the Saudi boys might want to run up. you know you never hear you know it's it's funny I hear that

these things they fly themselves why don't you try that well just like hands off to see what happened it's kind of interesting because I think about it's it's Eric you brought up the the Santa Claus TV show that's out on Disney Plus which I've not seen but

I've seen the first and third of those movies and at least in the first movie the casting of Tim Allen especially to play the role of Scott Calvin the guy that he just is is perfect because Scott Calvin is a fucking asshole and it works well enough that

you can get to the end of the movie and by that point there's a I don't I can't recall the person who directed the first Santa Claus movie but like he's good enough Copeland oh right thank you yes so Frankie Ford C is a good enough director with actors that he can like whoever directed that movie

gets a good Santa performance out of Tim Allen you buy it by the end of it but like probably his best movie right oh for sure I think so yeah for live action movie yeah I would definitely say so. She goes away. They get that. Francis, Francis, it's been three years on the Santa Claus. Okay. We've got to wrap on this picture. Okay. I don't care if you want another helicopter shot with Robert Duval as Father Christmas.

And you know what? We acquiesced and we let you build this Santa's village way up here at the literal North Pole. But we've got to tell you, dude, the weather is eaten away at this thing. All right. If you're going to spend that much money, fuck it. I'm also going to send a documentary into film this. this movie's making as well that will also come out as a movie to show how fucking insane you are. The only snow you're going to get for the rest of the shoot, Francis, is the fake stuff.

Okay? We know, you know what I'm talking about. Hope you like shaved ice. Actually directed by Josh Pasquin, which is interesting about this is he was a big home improvement director. Okay, so that makes perfect sense. He also directed Joe Somebody and miscongeniality.

Oh, he knows he knows. He knows is Tim Allen, which is probably a good thing. So Tim Allen gets back. and we have this scene where it's raining and Jamie Lee Curtis needs like white chocolate some other bullshit. Pistachios and he has to go into the store and he's like but babe it's raining

I forgot the umbrella like he's going to drive all the way home because he forgot the umbrella I mean this scene is redone not much of a man rough rough rough yeah also I don't know doing vlogs seems effeminate to me let's get that going so they stopped doing this stuff

Sure. Hey, Tucker Carlson. Yeah, looking at a camera is a little I don't know. Tim Poole, a little effeminate to have a little microphone.

Yeah, exactly. It's kind of, uh, it looks like a cock, big cock by your mouth, dude. I would say you are the Mary Sue in this,

just, you know, because you don't know how, we don't know how you got here. The, uh, the big dumb thing is like, she's like,

and again, it should have like, you got to get the, the special white chocolate for this special recipe. And blah, And he comes back completely fucking dushed. And she's like, you didn't get the white chocolate. Interesting thing right here.

So yesterday I read the Wikipedia summary for the book. Because I was like, what did they take from that to make this? Was that a tense legal thriller? No, it's actually like pretty much beat for beat. Yes. The movie. Wow. But one of the changes I noticed was when they're talking about this part in the book,

the wife character, Mrs. Crank, is like, Like, you fucking fucked it. You didn't get the white chocolate. And she goes back in the store to get it herself. In this movie, Tim Allen's like, rough, rough, wife, rough. And goes back. And I feel like that is one of those like, well, it's Tim Allen. And he's got to be put upon by the wife in some way.

So let's change something like that. That is absolutely it. And also, I think they're, they're suggesting a little bit here. She tells him, oh, you didn't, you didn't talk to Rex the butcher, my lover, my friend. my friend not my lover because he rightfully was like uh no i didn't ask the butcher about where the chocolate is perfectly logical thing that she's just like oh but he knows everything and he even knows his way around the house oh and not our house no no no no no his own house but it's just an excuse for him to do physical comedy because you have like you the the awning of the

store breaks on him he doesn't buy this umbrella from santa claus who will come into the movie later. But it's like a water main break. Yeah. It's just incredible. What is this? It reminded me of what happened to my father when we went on Twister the Ride. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Which is to say, and I may have told this before, so I'll keep it quick. Universal Studios, Twisted the Ride. It was one of those, like, they just shuffled you into a stage, basically. And it was, you just watched a thing. You weren't like riding around or whatever. You stood there and you watched a little show going. on and wind and rain and all that stuff. So the rain, there's like sprinklers going or whatever.

And my father was just standing under like a pipe or something. And part of it was like, here comes the twister. Here's the big storm. And like everybody's kind of getting like a little wet. And something kind of like creaked the wrong way. And a bunch of water just fell on my dad. Didn't have it. It wasn't having it.

Oh, no. Well, my dad wasn't having that vacation at all. So that really didn't help. So his response was you were disowned. you're gone I'm sorry he started yelling at the flying cow actually was what happened

but like we don't at this point like right around this scene before we get to the accounting business I need to know Tim Allen is just like or Luther crank

is just like you know what I'm just so sick at Christmas already you know what I mean like I want to hear that I want to hear his thoughts on Christmas

like it's too commercial you know we we wind up doing this we wind up doing that we don't even talk to each other right he does his master calculations he looks like a fucking idiot. He figures out, oh, they spend $6,000 on Christmas every year.

It's, that's enough reason to scale it. Yeah, absolutely. Well, because as is, as it is right now, I'm led to believe the reason he wants to do this is because he got caught in a rainstorm. Yes, exactly. Like, that's the whole impetus is that like he just, just, it was just too much. He got rained on too much. And Austin Pendleton was making fun of him or something.

And he spies the, the, the travel agency at that point, completely. completely soaked to the bone and it's like tropical cruise and he's like, say she's going to get out of here a little bit. She'd go to one of these recall places. Yeah, so he's like, his dinner with Jamie Lee Curtis. She thinks she's going to get railed

the whole thing. It's like, well, I got a surprise for you. She's screaming. She's taking her, I guess, vagina. Yeah. There's something going on. She's adjusting her pants. Oh, really? Ready for it. She's getting it fucked. She's ready to get fucked. She's ready to take it out. She's taking her fucking stupid

Cindy Walsh Christmas vest off. Well, better warm myself up now. It's probably going to be an hour before he gets it up. And this, first of all, if I get his dishes done while he's getting hard, you got to rev the engine, it's got to get warm in the car before you go. I am so glad that this is a fucking audio podcast.

The hand motion Chris Cabin just did is going to haunt me till I'm dead. Did you do it again for me, Chris? No, no, no, that was a special thing for Steve. Oh, I missed it too. No, come on, do it again. Look, it was just magic. Do it again. You keep on saying that. He has...

Steve replicate it. There's a little something like this. Oh, yeah. That's a bean finder if I ever saw one. Bean finder general, Chris Gavin. Bean finder 9,000. Uh-huh. Ruh, rock, rock, rock, rock.

A lot of power in that bean finder. You got the 9,000. I've got any D batteries for this bean finder. That would be a hilarious bit. Exactly. If he did sex toys and like, oh, no, this is the vibrator. Honey didn't have enough oomph for me. So I hooked it up to the fucking chainsaw.

I'm not I'm not going to be outdone by a hotachi Excuse me That is what happens dude is you reboot If they do a home improvement reboot It's like yeah Benford switch from tools to fuck toys Rough rough rough So now this is a sex toy review TV show

It's an automatic sex swing sweetheart They get in there and pushes you around Shoots are out the window like gremlin Actually Tim you've barely breached the asshole I, Al Boylan can figure this up Let's go a special segment Loub Corner Which is the best one

Dude and his inventions are so off the wall Sexy like flies backwards And through the wall and stuff Oh yeah He's working on the George Clooney's seat From Burn After Reading Just welding it in his garage Yeah he's got to make sure it's just right

So he's using it all the time Come on Jamie Lee I think I got it this time It is a classic miscommunication here Because like they're eating their feet food and he's like, or he's kind of just sitting there, like picking at it. And she goes like, oh, you're not, you got to finish your pasta or something. He goes, well, I'm done with my pasta, but I'm not done with you. And that's where she thinks she's about to get railed on the table.

He's going to take out his little noodle now. Hold on. I'm just going to go get my gun. What's sad, though, is like, so she's excited. This is a weird thing. Like, she's excited. She's like, ooh, might get fucked on a Tuesday. this is interesting, right? But then, like, when he goes out of the room,

she's, like, chugging wine? And I'm like, wouldn't you, Tim Allen's coming back? But that's what I'm saying. Like, do you need to chug wine to fuck your husband? Or are you actually excited about it? Which one is it? The first part. I mean, both, I mean, it goes hand in hand.

She likes drinking and she's enjoying getting drunk to have sex with him. This character's drinking a lot in this movie. Yeah. So, yeah, he comes back in playing a sweet and dandy. I think it's a Toots in the Meytle song. He's playing Toots with a fucking boombox with this shirt on. She thinks it's sexual roleplay and she's so excited. This is where she starts doing the Bean Finder.

But then it turns out, no, it's this vacation idea. The squirman. He says, you know, we spent $6,000 last year. I did the numbers. It'll only cost us $3,000. And now there you go, dude. This is a $3,000 windfall. And when she comes back with like, are we going to donate to the Children's Hospital?

Just say, yeah. move on. Yep. Yep. You're still saving a shit ton of money. I don't get how against he is with the charity. Like, oh, you're going to let $600 stand away of this vacation. No, you are. And it's true with everything. It's like

your neighbors are such psychos that they want to put up the fucking stone. Let them. Who gives a fuck? I would just let it go. Because realistically, there would be no conflict to this. It would be like, hey, do we, do you want to go on vacation? Yes. Okay. Let's plan on having a vacation. And if you get a small, reasonable

tree. Because again, you're leaving on Christmas Day, which is, for most people, myself included, like, kind of when Christmas is over. Like, you know what I mean? Like Christmas at, like Christmas at noon, it's, we're over with Christmas. Really? You're not doing the epithony? No, I don't know. You are bad. You are bad.

But you know what I mean? Like, it's just like, it's Christmas Eve. And then, you know, you do the presents in the morning, blah, blah, blah. By lunchtime, it's like, let's just put on fucking Goonies and go to sleep. It's over with. I got to go out and buy batteries or some shit. on with my life, you know? But that's the thing, like, the fact that this character is so unwilling to do those kinds of little things that would get these people off his fucking back.

Like you said, Steve, buy the tree. By the fucking calendar from Cheech Marin and Jake Bucie police officers. I don't know about that. You got to grease these fucking cops. Is that what needs to happen? Well, you want to fucking poking around your house while you're on the cruise? Dude, I don't think so. Oh, you trust that Jake Busey. You look at those eyes and be like, oh, yeah, this is fucking the return of the wet bandits with those two, dude. You got it. You kidding me? You have to pay off the police because otherwise they're going to target you and arrest you later. And speaking of paying

off the police, you fucking better believe we are in the suburbs of Chicago. You definitely have to do that. You don't want to piss off the cops and you want to make sure you're looking good for sausage claws. Sausage claws and also the mafia. They're probably crooked. And Rob Blagojevich is also governor at this point.

A lot of pressure, dude. So that's why I'm just saying spend the $5 and buy that calendar. Do you want sausage clause to bring you some chorizo or not? You just want the normal, you know, spicy and spicy. Ah, you didn't give to that many unions. I don't know. Oh, seems to be

a sausage clause, a senior sausage clause. Teresa, I don't know about this. You know, I had a specialty this year. It's a blood sausage. It's delicious. You know, not many people like it, but it's a very good delicacy, but it's only for good boys who spend $600 on their charitable donations.

Okay. But actually, oh, sorry, but there's another thing from the book that they excise. And at this point, it's like, why your movie's only 96 minutes. Show me the scene where he also rips off the fire department. There's some, oh, nice. The fire department's selling some other thing or something. He's like, nope, nope.

That should have been the calendar, the sexy calendar. Why do we have the sexy calendar with the police? And I think that's what we do a little combining. Yeah, he does acquies to the charities so that she'll go on the trip and that they get laid at night. So they fuck. They do fuck. Oh, yeah. He pays his wife's $600 for sex.

That's, yeah. it's a bargain in a roundabout way that is what happened uh i mean that but like that's the whole thing is like again i mean we're going to be harping this i think a little bit but like he like it's like this guy like it would make sense if like he just doesn't like the holidays yes but like it's like he just is being scrooge for three days yes and then he's not because like again like you are not if if you if your trip was leaving the 22nd then you're fully skipping christmas do you know what i mean then you're like we're not doing And any of, we're not even going to be around.

So why are we going to get a tree? You can avoid so much of this. But no, because they're traveling on Christmas Day. I also, if you're traditionally like a Christmas person, like, you know, I am, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, even if I'm going somewhere on Christmas Day, I want a tree for like the 16th. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just sitting around some empty fucking house. That's grim.

That's, yeah, it's, I would decorate. Yes. If I was going on a cruise on the 25th, I'd decorate. And you could lightly decorate. Exactly. Even if you don't do the full tree, you could put like garland. around or something. And also, what are you throwing out your decorations every year? Like, you've got shit in the basement. That's the $6,000 price. I guess so, man. But that's also

the thing. Like, it's insane that he's talking about money because he's very clearly, very rich. Like, this is a very nice neighborhood. They do well here. Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't work, it seems. No, it does not seem like that. But like, and like 600 bucks, I'm like, you're already making the deal. Why could you, how could you possibly give a shit about this? And it's just, of course, because that is the friction he is used to as a comedian. It has to be something against the wife. But it's so funny, though, because, like, if it's Tim Allen, why wouldn't you amp that up? So he has some sort of monologue about how the wife's always making him do the party every year.

Rough, rough, rough, rough. Exactly. It's stunning that it's a Tim Allen movie where they don't have him talk as much as he should be. Because that dude loves talk. At the end of the movie when, like, you find, when he has to give that toast and he doesn't, literally didn't know why he didn't do it. You know what I don't know. I have no idea what his point of view was. I have no clue aside

from he likes this vacation. He's floating through this movie. It's just a paycheck. He doesn't give a single fuck. Yeah, Jamie Lee Curtis is trying and unfortunately so because again, like she winds up doing a lot of the physical comedy, which is just embarrassing. Dan Aykroyd and Emmett Walsher trying. Oh, well that's, I mean, you know,

we can, I guess, get into them right here. Dan Aykroyd is playing kind of like the main, these people, these unofficial mayor of the neighborhood, people that you just want to smother with a pillow. I do appreciate Acreid in this movie because he is going it reminds me of

old school Accroyd playing a fucking maniac kind of character like a doctor Detroit if you will where he's just going full tilt weirdo that's going to be a stay tuned you got right there or great outdoors kind of like that kind of a character even fucking Tommy boy like essentially

that character. Totally. And all of those movies, though, he has other funny people to play. But it's also like he's the villain in the Great Outdoors for the most part. He's the villain and Tommy Boy. Let him be the villain here. Like actually, but no, at the end, it's all about community horseshit and like Tim Allen's the villain.

Like, no, it should be this dude, this Vic Fromeyer motherfucker takes Christmas way too seriously. And Tim Allen takes it way not seriously enough. Maybe we'll find somewhere in the middle. That's a story. Oh, conflict. The concept, yeah, because this is just, it's wishy-washy, trying to have it both ways with every character. Well, it would also work if, like, they were both, like, if it was a competition.

Like, I think that's what that Deck the Hall's movie is, is like Broderick versus DeVito. That's funny you said that, Chris, because, like, so, like, his thing is like, well, everybody in the neighborhood has to decorate or else. We're not going to have a great neighborhood. The thing also, so you just reminded me another thing. Oh, go ahead. In the book, yes. In the book, there is a contest for the best. in the city. Right. And they win something if everyone's decorated. Right. Why would you take that line out of this

movie? That changes the entire movie. Instead, it just feels so fucking weird. It's totally tossed off like towards the end of it. They make some mention about something, something we lost. Oh, okay. The last six, last like we won for six years and the last one we did not win. I see. Okay. They, at some point in this movie, they lose and you don't see. Someone just mentions it. But what do you win in that scenario right just fucking gift certificate to a ground round with these people who the fuck knows something not great you get to do you get to do the supermarket sweep at a mire and you know what then you have a good time all the ham i can hold so you got vick fromeyer but played by dan ericroyd this movie really wants you to love eric per solvin of malcolm in the middle fame like this kid

is supposed to be the scene stealer and he is not i i have to give him this is that he, because he's a child is bringing energy to the role. Oh, for sure. Where, like, everybody else is just, like, on a lead mic, just isn't there. You know what I got to give him, Chris? What? A knuckle sand. Oh, really? At this age or current day.

Either way. Oh, okay. Actually, that age. Okay. Travel back in time to punch a kid. Oh, I would be doing that all the time if I had a time machine. But for the energy that you need for this little rascally character. Yes. You get that, uh, you get the one that was just older than him on Malcolm in the middle. Oh, yeah. Not Frankie

Munez, but the one in between the two of them. Yes, yeah, yeah. That one, because that guy was a little shitster. Oh, yeah. That wasn't this one? No, no. He was the little kid, Dewey, I believe. He was Dewey. Dewey, Malcolm and Reese. Yes. And then the older brother who's barely in a year. I don't think they're, I think it's a older and younger thing. It's another Masterson. Oh, okay. We should investigate him to it. That's what I'm saying. just to make sure everything's all right. Exactly. The whole thing with Dan Aykroyd, though,

just when we meet him, it's a thing where like, and this comes, well, yeah, and that comes to nothing, but it's kind of a funny gag of like, Tim Allen is watching the next door neighbors

try to put up lights. And it's like this couple, it's like a married couple, and then their adult son played by rickety cricket. Yes. And he's just drunk watching the dad like try to put up the lights and fall.

And then Dan Aykwright comes over. And this is where Tim Allen And he's like, oh, yeah, you know, the daughter's not coming home for Christmas, blah, blah, blah. And he's just like, something doesn't seem right about that, Tim Allen. Like he really starts doing this, like, cult shit. What the fuck does he say here? He goes, he's like, oh, this neighborhood lives and breathes for Christmas or something. Oh, hasn't Christmas always been a neighborhood thing?

No, my fucking ass, it hasn't. Sick Santa Tyrannis shoots Tim. Look, Luther, I mean, I understand wanting to get away for a little bit, but how are we to appease maiming if we don't put the lights up and make sure we do the best job? Our savior will not come from beneath. I wish there was a demon at the end of this movie. Hell yeah. We have to appease, Malach. Like, they're feeding stuff to feeding people to frosty.

That crampest movie from a couple years ago was almost good. Did not watch it. It's so close to being. good movie, but it is a bad movie. I can't get into them crampus movies. Can I tell you why? Please. It's a goat guy? It's the fan base. Oh, yeah. You see all these people

that are like, I don't worships. I don't believe in Santa. I believe in crampas and I'm like, you're an adult. You don't believe in nothing. You're watching a movie. I am fundamentally against trying to make anything about Christmas badass.

Yes. Or like anything edgy or any shit. Like that's my problem with that violent night movie is I'm just like stop it. Cut the shit. Also just like the go you going all the way to cramp is this alpine demon or whatever. Ruprecht is right there he's a guy that wears a robe that

smacks your ass if you're bad. What's this guy's number? I've missed Rupreck. It's another lesser Germanic demon of Christmas I like that I knew of. Was this a thing where like your old world relatives would threaten you like if you're not good? Warbrack

or what is he called? Ruprecht. Dude, don't say it one more time. We'll be in here in a second. Hello, gentlemen. I believe my mother's family would get visited by him. Oh, shit. Look out, dude. So what would he do?

What's his problem? I wear a robe and hit you with a paddle. Oh, wow. Okay. Right on your took us? It's the naughty thing. Yeah, the naughty thing. He's the disciplinarian.

You know what? Bring them back. I say, you know what? Let's get this going on social media. Ruprecht. Bring them back. Bring back Ruprecht. Because crampus, like that crampus, I'll stop on it.

It's just, it's so. almost good, like it's pretty violent. You're like, oh shit, we're kind of doing it. It's kind of, then it just gets a little too cute. And then it just sort of like, oh, fuck. It doesn't know how to stick the landing. Exactly. It gets up to a certain level where like, yes, it's like the crucial moment. Like, is he really killing people?

What's going on here? And it's just like, maybe he is, maybe isn't? I don't know. Maybe who knows? Let me, let me ask you this, Chris, because I really love this notion of making Christmas badass is stupid. Because I agree with you on this. That's why I'll never watch. Violet Night. By the way, it'd like to subscribe to your

newsletter. It all started with fucking diehard. It did. You could blame that. With the fan base. Making the people who were die hard about like, diehards a Christmas movie who like posted fucking paragraphs on that shit. Those are the people who fucking did it.

Gotta touch some fucking snow covered grass folks. But the thing I wanted to ask you, Chris, is where does that line stop? Where do you draw it? Because I know you like me are a big fan of Bob Clark's Black Christmas. Sure. But that's not badass. I mean, that's a horror movie set around

Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So those are, so silent night, deadly night's fine, too. I like that movie. It's been a while, but like, so you're saying the crampus movie has like da-da-d-d-d-d-dun-d-d-d-d-mus music. It's just sort of like, it's doing that like modern take on Christmas and being like, record

scratch. But actually, but again, crampus, I think, is just another horror movie set on Christmas. Yeah. It just kind of chicken shits the land. Got it. That's the problem with that. But I mean, but, but Like, Violent Knight is like a meme into a movie. Like, what if Santa had a good? I don't care.

I mean, I've been saying it since I saw the fucking commercial for that fucking movie. It's literally the movie that they're making fun of TV and movies about in Scrooge. Yes, exactly. Like, literally that is what they're like. In Scrooge, there is that scene you see on the monitor. Santa's like fighting a bunch of guys on jet skis or something. It's literally that. Or snowmobiles, rather.

You know what's a great one? It would be great if it was jet skis. A horror version thing is. Christmas Evil. Great movie. Oh, very good. Oh, I've been meaning to check that one out. That's a good one. I watched it the other year was great. Elves is a lot of fun. Yes. Oh, Elves is fucked up. Christmas

horror is usually pretty good. I like that mixture. It's when it's like violent and like Santa is a masculine figure and like has like guns and muscles and shit. Yeah. It's that it's that Kurt Russell's stupid movie. Like it's again, it's this new memeable well I don't think he's bad ass and that's. Yeah, no, he is. I watched that movie. I don't remember anything about it. Oh, really?

Looks like Eric has some higher standards for bad ass or? No, I mean, I don't like it. But is Kurt Russell like kicking people in that movie? I've never seen them. I don't know. There's two of them. I saw it during the pandemic. It was a night.

It was not a silent night. That's true. But like, it's just, it's that thing of like where you're really trying to be like, this is weird thing of like Christmas is for kids, but this is for adults. And it's like, well, no, it's not. It's actually not for adults either. Guess what? It's all for children.

Exactly. Christmas is all for children. for children. I don't want to hear about how Santa Claus fucks. Like, unless it's on this show and we're having fun, then yes, I do want to. It's going to be a white Christmas Christmas. There you go. See, exactly that. I just don't want to hear

it in like, he's actually having sex. So he sends the thing around to the office dancing around or whatever. And then so like what we see next is, and this is the most insane part of this movie to me, everyone

they know, like either in the neighborhood or at the workplace or like friends of theirs like Felicity Huffman and fucking Caroline Ray. Convicted criminal Felicity. That's right. Oh, right. For the crimes of education. Yes. Trying to buy education.

Which is like, yes, she's right to be prosecuted. But so should everyone who donates to these higher institutions that then accept their children. William H. Macy got it. I always wonder if he rolled on there. He really definitely. Oh, yeah. Absolutely happened. Steve, I think you and I are both equally fascinated about this. And we've had conversations

where it's like, he fucking flipped on it, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, I think he is his character from Boogie Knight. So, honey, it's interesting that you paid that woman to take the SAT for our daughter, right? Testing one, two, testing. You hear me in the van.

It is odd that you were the only, and remember when I said, no, don't do that? And you said, I have, you wanted to do that? Yes, I remember, William, you're never short to remind me about it. Swarm, swarm, swarm. Take her now. Take her now. Hey, baby, could you say your full

name for me? Just to, you know, the Felicity and the Huffman part. Middle initial, please. You know how it turns me on when you say your full name to me, baby. I just love the sound of when you say your birth date. Now, Agent Hawkins, when she comes out of the mall, I'm going to kiss her on the cheek, and that is

your symbol to swarm on her. I will identify her by kissing her on the cheek. But she's out now, right? Yeah, it was like a 10-day set. Right. Then, you know, back to a no-consequence life. Of course. The daughter is rolling around

and piles of fucking pig money anyway. That's exactly what she's doing right now, Eric. The pig money, the pig currency. Oh, you want to roll around in my pig money. My money slap. Oh, my, oh. the thing that's crazy to me is that all of these people are like instantly condemning them for doing this

and the office like the fucking receptionist at his office is like the next day she's like oh yeah you don't have any calls and I guess I'm gonna have to find someone else to buy my cheap perfume that's like everyone's pissed off because they're not getting presents from him fuck these men I mean the secretary I at least understand like if you're not getting your bonus part of the fucking like foldin was like I'm not giving my fucking secretary or bonus or whatever. Like, fuck you.

That's one thing. That's one thing. But the problem is that everybody acts like the bottom dropped out when they said, no. It's like hearing your fucking father just died, except for it's just your neighbor said, I'm not having a party. You're totally right because the weird stationary store guy does that when Jamie Lee. Oh, dude, he's follow her in the street. Totally. He follows him in the fucking restaurant.

Yes, into the restaurant to start berating her. And like Felicity Huffman's like. okay well you're not leaving till Christmas why don't you just have the party on Christmas Eve anyway and Jamie Lee Curtis is like why don't you find something else to do on Christmas Eve and that's the thing you get into these things and my own family did it too

where for years we went to the same Christmas Eve party and it was like you didn't even think about it it was like so-and-so is having her party we're gonna go and then one year this woman was like no it's a lot of work I'm getting older I can't do it anymore did you torture have no but there was this moment of what do you mean It was like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? And I was like, I don't know. We're a fucking family. Why don't we celebrate Christmas to get? It's, at the very least, these are her friends. Do you know what I mean? Like, these are people she's choosing to have lunch with. Not someone that's icing or fucking long. Sure, but it's still. Yes. To be like, why don't you still do this thing? Because I can't figure out other plans. Like something else to do on Christmas Eve. Get fucked. It's actually like she's breaking up with Felicity.

That's the energy that's going on here. Caroline Ray fucking drops her spoon in the soup. She's so shocked. Just tell me how I can fix this. Tell me how I can help you make some guacamole. This was a reminder, by the way. It's such a bummer. I have Caroline Ray.

Well, Caroline Ray, I always thought was really funny. And it was just a reminder of like, she's not in a lot of stuff. She's not in this movie either. I don't know. She just cries later. And Caroline Ray. Like, you don't use them.

Yeah, you don't use them. They're right there. It's 2004. Felicity Hoffman, uh, Huffman already starred in that fucking totally instantly dated and horrible trans-america

movie. Yeah, there's my wife, Felicity Huffin, 5'3 foot 3, she weighs 116 pounds, she's wearing a light gray sweatshirt, she's crossing the street right now, guys. The eagle has landed. Hey, baby, would you just, you know, rattle off, you know, I love hearing your voice and everything. Could just rattle

off the license plate to your car? All right, Agent Stoharski, listen carefully. When you hear me come over the bug in the kitchen and ask Felicity, where's my favorite Fargo DVD? That's when you swarm. Got it? I have a few, but this one's my favorite. Oh, wait. Oh, God, they haven't come yet. Oh, God. Oh, it's been compromised. She knows what's going on. William? William, what's happening? She knows. She knows. She knows I rolled on her. She knows. She knows I rolled on her. She knows. It's over. It's over. Well, I mean, Boogie Knights was good practice.

I just imagine it would be like Fargo when he gets, when he gets arrested at the end. No, God. Oh, yeah. Oh, crying. Absolutely. So one of the things that's going on

to do in this fucking just volcano of insanity that is this neighborhood, Dan Akrods pass out these fucking flyers and he's like, well, it's Frosty Fest. You're going to participate in Frosty Fast, aren't you?

And all I can See, Frosty Fest, all I can gather that Frosty Fest is just these people put snowmen up on the front lawn on the rough on the roof and is it a do all of them have

the same kind is it I think that's the whole thing it's all like the shamrock mask there's a shot at the end of the movie where you see the rooftops and they all have them on there but that's not all one of them comes to life and starts waving that's supernatural elements

are at play here. Of course. The end of this movie, which we'll get into, I was, like, I had a note. I was like, you know what? At least the movie ends and like, you know, there's the heartwarming-ish part of it. And I'm like, you know what? At the very least, at the end, it didn't do that thing of you don't think Santa Claus exists, do you? And I was like, and I wrote down like as a positive. And then the last second, it's like, oh, you've got to be kidding. But before that though, dude, and we haven't reached him yet, but that's what they're doing with Austin Pendleton. I mean, They're doing the fucking 90210.

Nobody knows this guy at the party. He knows all of us. Who's this guy? Austin Penn is the best part of the movie. I saw him on stage this year. He was fucking amazing. Really? Tracy Letts is the Minutes.

He had a part in that. He was like the funny one. And he was just fucking killing it. He's great. Whenever he pops up in anything. I, for whatever, I guess I was too wrapped up and Chris was at the cranks to ask her,

but had the movie on and Chelsea comes into the room was not watching it with me sees Austin Pendleton who we both are aware of as an actor and she just goes oh Austin Pendleton I saw him do blackface one time what's the end of that story

she's walking down the street I thought I'd give it a swirl here give it a chance I mean just you know I'm sure it was in a theater concept I'm sure it wasn't convincing yes I just don't want to get Austin Pendleton canceled well yeah I think it was gonna play

it's time I should say I did I auditioned for the lead in Bamboozled I know it wasn't likely I was going to get the role but I thought maybe So also in this movie

I remember Walsh plays Is it Sheave? Is he Sheave Palpatine in this movie? Yeah I'm Sheave Palpatine. Oh, thank you, rebel friends. You're going to find that this Christmas trio is quite operational. Oh, I made Snoke.

Made the first order. He would have actually Eminem Walsh as Palpatine if he could just sit in there like Oh yeah you want this light shave Don't you're big fat and sinful Oh yeah I'm a Kentucky Palpatine Hello there

I mean yeah we gotta crush the rebellion In the hollow Walt Shield A shield Walt and Bev shield Yeah oh you want you want this lightshed You strike me down with it home Oh, somehow I survived.

Oh, I can use the force to make myself a mint jeweler. And that's a fine, fine drink to have while you're crossing the rebellion. I've abolished the Imperial Senate, now regional governors of direct control. Oh, yeah. I'm the phantom menace, y'all. Pop it into the strings from behind the curtain. After this, I'm going to go to a pigly wiggily, buy myself some supplies. So he's like the direct across the street, neighbor of the cranks, who's like constantly given a Tim Allen shit.

I do love the part where he's like, boy, oh boy, you've been working at that accountant office an awful long time. Sure thought they would have made your partner by now. He's just fucking fantasizing this guy's career. Below the belt, the touch. Yeah, pretty good. I got the feel like they must have some kind of history for M.M. at Walsh to just be like, ah, it looks like you're having trouble getting out to work today.

Oh, man. And just have Tim Allen lose his mind. I think it's a thing where like when they first moved in, you know, back in the mid-90s, you know, Tim Allen makes some comment to Jamie Lee. You know, geez, you can believe that old man we got across the street. And M.M. at Walsh, because he's like a spy of the neighbor. had the front lawn bug and he's like, oh, old man, huh? Well, I'll get you for that.

Well, Smiley's going to have something to say about this. His report's coming in. Oh, old man, I didn't think you'd see this purple forest light and come out of my little fingers. There is something unsettling about him. He's probably like a barbarian house or something. He's actually on home improvement a ton. He played Jill's dad, I believe. I think that was my first introduction to M.M. at Walsh. Like, it's just putting the back of my brain. Yeah. Just sort of like, obviously.

I did pay way too much attention to Jill and Tim's marriage when I was in. Oh, of course. I love that. Oh, my God. And she's going back to school. Tim, she's using the computer. She's going to be a therapist now, too. Oh, she's going to be meeting old friends from high school on the internet.

Going to find out they're doing much better than you. They call it fuckbook. Oh, excuse me, Facebook. Face. Not the fuck to face. One thing leads to another. Face fuck, book. But he is kind of our emotional center. I would look at those pictures.

The emotional center of the movie because his wife is sick vaguely with cancer. And they have... I mean, I'm not... I'll bring it up when we get to the end of the movie. But the whiff that this story makes... It's right in front of you and we'll get to it. but like fucking missed opportunity to have with this cancer wife. I'll tell you that much.

So Tim Allen, the other part of this thing, which again is not something that's really explored is Tim Allen becomes because of this trip becomes very vain all of a sudden. He was very, very vain. He wants to get the tan before you go on the trip. Which, you know, people some say you should do is you get the base. You don't want to burn when you go there kind of a thing.

Wow, that's weird. Because I'm going to burn no matter what. Yeah. They make a. Jamie Lee fucking debase herself. again in that in the very early dinner scene speaking of like quote unquote main things when she goes uh like oh cruise well i'm gonna have to lose some weight first and i'm like you are jamie lee curtis no you don't now well then yeah she takes off she's in this

insane bikini like this is like beyond like even more exploitative than true lies there's her boobers there's oh my god i'm fucking there's her whole vagina i mean like It's just, there's nothing else there. Well, I mean, this is after the frosty scene where, like, Fromeyer and the whole neighborhood has her in there. Like, she's like, there's, it's like, orcs are at the gate and they're about to push in on the fucking gate. Is this when he's on the phone with her?

And he's like, you got to get out of the house or whatever. Like, just, because they're chanting, like, free frosty, free frosty. And yeah, she, she, she, it would have been way funnier. And this, I guess more of a Christmas vacation joke. if she drove through the garage door and just like sped out of there. Because that's, that's, that's,

that's a great analog for this because that's a very funny movie about how pressuring the holidays are. And this movie is just not that. Totally. But you do get it, when she's driving away, dude,

it's a great fucking Dan Aykroyd's running after the car. Oh, yeah. And I thought of you, Steve, because he rolls up the window and his hands get stuck and it's like, gang, and then it's fucking great because this is one of the,

the scream queen moments. He pulls his hands out of the gloves and falls down but the gloves are still in the window and she thinks that it's the hands and just lets one ripped it. Kind of listen. I was laughing at Christmas at the cranks at that part. Hey, everybody. Yeah, this is Joe Roth here.

Okay. So today we got Dan Aykroyd running. This is going to be all we're doing today. We need preparation. Oxygen tanks. Everybody be safe on set. You can only do this once. We have to make it. Okay. You can't run. again. Look, we have, you know

how much it's going to be a two hour reset time anytime we fuck this up. If you see like a making of the Christmas of the cranks at this part, it's like the shot is way wider and you can see what's going on and it's Dan Aykroyd on a platform and the whole car's

being towed and he's pretending he's like running in place on this wire work. No, it's even worse to that. It's two dudes in green screen that he's like sitting on and they're moving his legs. Yeah. Yeah, this here is this is Skip Cuddless he runs for Dan

when Dan can no longer run we've got quite a lot of thickness on him as you can see I have always for the last 40 years I called skip my legs but there is one line that I don't want to miss I think it's when she's when everyone's outside she Jimmy Lee Curtis

directly quotes Wario and I really appreciate that because she goes what a bunch of losers that's Mario's line I lost to a bunch of losers. I thought you're going to say at some point she's like, I'm going to win. Yeah, but also

possible. But so she is shagging ass right here to go to, and this is, it's kind of a great O'Leary's fake Irish bar. This is kind of a nice in the mall, by the way. This gave me some flashbacks, Kevin, to like the cross gates, hula hands or something

like that. Just like, yeah, a sports bar in a mall. But is this an ad lib here where Tim Allen's it's like fish tacos at an Irish bar. Oh, dude, whatever. I don't think so. Jesus Christ. That's a bad one. It's so bad because it's like everybody knows those things

aren't actual Irish places. You just call it fucking McGillicotties or O'Leary's or whatever. And then yeah, we're just eating whatever garbage bar food. And wouldn't it be, wouldn't it be interesting? I mean, not even interesting, but at least it would be a scene to watch them like go shopping for this fucking vacation together.

but he bought her a bikini like a like well it's not for the cruise chris it's for the tanning it's for the tanning bed i understand that that's why we get to see everything they get to see everything but it doesn't matter because i've already seen everything right yeah patrick stewart in extras yes that's right that's a show no one will watch again because ricky jervase has become so fucking annoying absolutely uh did you catch the extras in this bar scene the fucking purve people where Tim Allen's like holding up the bikini top and all these dudes

like, what's going on a lady? Yeah, this is why we come to O'Leary's, isn't it? Yeah. It's two in the afternoon on Tuesday. All right. Yeah, another round of shooters, please. Clothes are making me horny. Clothes are making me horny.

Yeah, we're so about four years away from me being able to look at pornography on my phone. So, but once that happens. There is actually a cell phone joke in this it's a little subtle. And it was, I was like, I guess that's a job. I guess it's fine. He's like, he has a cell phone. Yeah. But it's like a little flipper. Yeah. At one point it falls, when he's talking on it, it falls, it closes and falls into his pocket.

Oh, these fucking things. I can't even keep hold of these things. But she goes to the tanning salon. She gets a little bit of shit from the girl behind the tanning salon. Who is, this is a bad, broad-ass character. Right. Like she's super brawn. Well, she's young. She has to be the villain. I don't know man You ever walk by one of those places There is always a girl Who's using her fucking Staff discount way too much

At these places There always is But she's not also like obnoxious And like trying to Like No like fuck you I can't think of the actress's name But this woman

She's kind of cashed in on that persona Oh really Yeah She's a very like plucky Kind of we'll say like Kind of nasty things In a plucky way Kind of nice

that's like kind of her getting i didn't even she was probably a fucking UCB person or groundlings yeah no yeah I don't like that uh but so she goes in she's in this incredibly uh revealing bikini and she's just thought I was watching

trading places for a second and then all of a sudden fucking squiggy shows up and it's like what's going on in here and I'm like I don't know dude this door should lock yep absolutely should uh she bangs her head immediately this felt like almost like it was leading to um

Final destination. Or I still know what you did last last one. Right? That's the one where they go to the Caribbean and one of them gets locked in the tanning bed. Jennifer, I love you.

It gets locked in the last. You're right. Oh, wow. Previous episode. Good memory there. I forgot about that one. Yeah. It's just the,

it's a tanning bed sequence. Like she runs out because she's bleeding because of this squeaky related head smash. Squicky, by the way, never seen again in this movie. Rest of piece, Squicky, by the way,

Michael, whatever his name is. But, and also hitting tribute Michael what's his name I'm sure his daughter's listening getting teared up like wow they did it

rest in peace whoever guy but like and also like and I know it's a comedy don't get but like this is not how you build

the tanning room in a fucking mall you cannot have her coming out to the counter right in the middle of the fun fair of the mall where everyone could see her

exactly by the way David Lander. I think he done 2020, 22, 22, 21? 20, yeah. Call him David underlander now.

Oh, Lord. Unless he was cremated. We'll come up another one for that later. Yeah, we'll definitely have to fix it. She comes out, she's in a bikini and like this priest by Tim. Oh, God.

Another man who, Tim Thomerson or not Tim Thomerson. No. Tom Upridge. Tim Thomerson's probably still in decent shape. this guy's like a death's door Tom Poston

Tom Poston who passed He alive No he died like right This is his last role This is the last movie ever So but fucking Your Swan song is Christmas With the cranks dude

But like he's the priest We're saying goodbye to a lot of people He's the priest You know what On every episode We should do it in memoriam The end To keep this guy

He's bonafides He was a major actor On the show Newhart Yeah Nice And then he was He was on Mork and Mindy for your fashion. I think he was someone's

father on that show. I don't remember. He's very recognizable. Big TV actor. But he comes in he's the priest who's like, oh my God you're in a bikini. And it's like, dude, I'm crank. She's like, I'm fucking married. This is from my husband. Even your stupid church wouldn't have a problem with this. Exactly. You should be

in a burqa or something. What is this message? I don't understand. I hear, tell you're not doing Christmas. Like, else it doesn't matter. I never went to church on Christmas. That's got nothing to do with it. What do you give a shit if I do cookies or not asshole? Well, the church might have to disown you now because you're going on a cruise. Oh, I just want to make sure we'll still get a $375 donation at Christmas, right? I mean, otherwise we're going to have to call the big man

and he's got, he's got man, he can send some people and he doesn't get what he wants. I spoke to God and he doesn't like you anymore. Give me money. Oh, it's flaunting those breasts. Well, that's the other thing, dude. This guy is spying them hooters. He is just fucking staring at her breasts this whole time, which is it great. Look, the priest is doing something, Randy. Oh, it's a Randy priest. That's all it is.

It's just, you know, she's out there jiggling and he's like, what, what? But then nothing puts a stop to his interest faster than Tim Allen running out in this banana hammock. And I'll put it to you guys right now. Simple, yes or no question. Sure. Is Tim Allen stuffing that banana hammock in this scene? Probably. Yeah.

Yeah, I would imagine. I think it's a big, yeah. I didn't really, I don't really remember it. Because it's too perfect, it's a two, like perfectly round bulge. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, unless he's, maybe he's got like twisted weird genitalia. That's also possible.

It's just like he's just got a cloac. He's got a shock is the shape of a softball. or like an egg-shaped penis like they said on the Epstein stuff. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it could go in many ways. I wasn't, I'll be honest, I wasn't looking down there because they, in this scene

they introduced him in an eyebrowless face and they don't acknowledge that for another scene. And I was like, wait, what happened? I was like, if they fucked this up, what happened here? Browless, it's just like very vertical. He looks like a Romulan.

Yes. Well, that's when he gets the boat I think is what you're thinking of. That's when I wrote the note. I was like, he looks like a Vulcan because he has fucking pointed eyebrows. It's very weird. And this is like the first time

anyone's ever heard of Botox. So like this. Exactly. I'm at the movies. I didn't live through the 80s or the 90s. That's it. He's like trying to eat food and he can't. And I mean,

this is the knee slapper. This is all over the trailer. This is this is asses and C. town. Yes. And it's just not very funny. It isn't. Because he's just like, oh, Botox. It'll take. And again, like, talk to me about, like, why he's acting more vain than not. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I just realized now that Blair is gone, getting older, I don't want to get old, blah, blah, blah. There has to be something about, this is our first emptiness Christmas. And he's excited about it for those very reasons.

And he doesn't even have to swing on this cruise possibly. I want to open this marriage. Well, remember where you told me on our wedding night, once our daughter is out of the house. You could open the marriage, like that kind of a thing. Well, that's, I mean, what you need is the scene of him. And of course, Tim Allen was not going to allow this to happen where, like, he hits on a younger girl and she laughs at him. And he's just like, okay, panic has set in. And now I have to act like my food is too slippery to stay in my mouth.

This is just like, it's such a weird thing. Like, I'm like, what has this even kind of been talked about as a thing Botox does or anything? Like, of course not. I guess it just makes your face tighter so he can't control his. jaw. The thing about it is the question you have to ask, and this could be a funny scene. I mean, think about like, listen,

getting his back waxed is why Steve Corel is famous. Yeah. You know what I mean? So, like, if there was a scene where it's like, okay, Tim Allen, you're this vein character, you're getting Botox, you have a lot of fun, because you have to know how much fucking Botox is he getting? Because, like, I'm sorry, a shot in your forehead for them

wrinkles. Isn't fucking up your jaw. But it's a crazy kind of. comedy. And to, you know, your point there, Chris, like if he had hit on a younger woman or whatever, we'd be just doing Christmas vacation. Yeah, exactly. And that, that, Clark Griswold is a character. Yes. You understand the facets of Clark Griswold. You don't understand, you, you, you have no idea what this guy's deal is. He's a fool. Like, and, and, and, and it's okay with the fact that he's a fool. Right. But the thing with Tim Allen is, is he always has to be taken seriously. Even when he's being like an idiot or something like that. Like, that. Like, that's,

that's like exactly why like when he writes the stupid fucking the the letter to everybody saying shit like you're like is this supposed who who what what's the joke here is it just like is he an asshole and we hate him or what because they don't do a good job like they do in the santa claus of making scott calvin a total asshole at the workplace and like obsessed with the grind and yeah and also what's the joke this movie flips right around here because the the botox is really there isn't a lot of like oh we're skipping Christmas blah blah blah because then it's just Christmas Eve and it's like oh man this thing you know what it's all been worth it tomorrow is the cruise I can't wait

uh oh their daughter calls she's at the she's at the Miami airport she's gonna meet them at 8 o'clock and she's bringing her new boyfriend for the holiday and he's Hispanic dun dun dun dun dun dun oh because again this movie just it's just kind of doing it? Yeah, it is. Well, it's definitely, it's definitely doing it. We're definitely doing it. And you're sort of on the,

you're like, all right, is this movie definitely doing it? And then when you see the sign that Jake Busey, so the gentleman's name is Enrique. Yes. All right. We all got that one common names on this entire globe. And like Jake Bucy's sign, and we're getting way ahead of ourselves.

The sign is like, you know, spelling it like phonetic. or something. Enrique. Enrique. Yeah, that's what it is. And I'm like, oh, oh, they're definitely doing it. But he's standing next to his partner. Cheech fucking Merrin. Who's you like, oh, dude, you got that wrong. It's Enrique. Like, uh, Cheech Marin, by the way,

I'm fairly certain the only minority in this movie. Yes. No, no, no. The neighbor is black. Oh, right. Oh, oh. The neighbors across the street who leave the movie. They're literally packing. Yeah. The name, his purpose is two-fold. One is to give the tree. And two, is to be the only one laughing at this movie because he's just like

she's like I'm coming home I can't wait to have Christmas with you guys everyone goes into panic mode the whole movie shifts and then Tim Allen tells this neighbor he goes oh my god really what a funny premise I would have never seen this comment

oh my god because I mean and once this happens like the whole the whole first 80 60 minutes in the movie are useless you know what I mean like I guess the idea is like oh, now they have to do Christmas at the last second.

So it's now, it's not skipping Christmas. It's Christmas at the last second. Right. Isn't it a suggestion like you shouldn't have like not done all the things you did? Oh, of course. Well, that's what's insane though, too is like when this all flips, Jamie Lee Curtis flips with him with it too. And she's like, you were a fucking idiot.

One of this. And I'm like, no. Your stupid idea. Yeah. Like you, no lady, you can't fucking play that game. You were into it. Yes. Well, like, none of the things, like, what would Christmas invitations do now?

It's not like they canceled their turkey order or something. That would be one thing. But, like, literally, it's just like, oh, my God, can you imagine it's busy before Christmas at the fucking market? How is any of this happening? The peace course kick her out or something? You can't just do that. It's because romance, you know, Eric, it just took over. And Christmas love is the most important love.

It's the deepest love. And this girl, to your point, Eric, is 24 years old. calls you up on Christmas. He's like, oh shit, honey, God, that's crazy. That's amazing. We'll see you tonight because we're here, but tomorrow we're going on this cruise. And we'll order a pizza. I'd love to be to Enrique. Yep. I'll go to the store. I'll get whatever I can. Maybe I'll make dinner. I'll try to make dinner. That's it. That is all, just be an adult about this. And you do what? If you guys want to take care of that house, that'd be great.

Yes, no. No risky business stuff. My baby's coming home. Well, that's the thing. And she's like, but mom is, are you going to have the honey? him and the fucking pie that I like anything for baby. Anything for baby Christmas. This is it's an interesting. The baby wants Christmas. It's an interesting thing right

because this is where you're infantilization of your child really bites you in the fucking past because you are too much of a fucking coward to just be like sorry grown adult you can't just do this. We made plans yeah we'll see as best we can

we'll do blah blah blah you know exactly and you know the funny thing is I feel like on the other side of that phone call, she'd be like, okay. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. Like, they don't go to any great lengths to make the daughter character crazy or cartoonish in any way. She's just literally on the phone, just like, hey, are you guys doing this stuff? You've done every year for my whole life? Yeah. She's not a character, period. Because if so, you would be like, oh man, you're going to be gone for a fucking week. Me and my new boyfriend are going to have the place to ourselves. It won't have to have quiet sex? Fantastic. So, so now, yeah.

everything's flipped. He goes to his neighbor. He's like, hey, you're leaving for the week. Can I borrow your Christmas tree? And the guy says, oh, man, this is great. Because he tries to buy one from the Boy Scouts that he told to get fucked. But it's funny that they were going door to door selling trees anyway. That didn't make a ton of sense either. There's also another fucking lot, dude. I'm sorry. Yes, but he goes to that.

Wherever, there's multiple tree lots. Eric, that's to suggest that's more of a like because he is, because every year before this he was Mr. fucking Christmas. Yeah. This like they had especially you pre-ordered this. We are bringing it to your house because you love Christmas so much. Dude, just give him a few bucks

and take the thing, you know? That's what Jamie Lee says. She's like, you could just put it in the backyard who gives a shit. You told them you were going to buy it. And then the guy this is that, what's his face from Diehard? Charlie from Diehard 3. Oh. Charlie, you're going to be wearing that shit if you're

ass! Cough? Cough corn syrup. Oh, that's like corn syrup. It's just drinking what he thinks is some kind of bomb fluid, yeah. All that white powder on him. They sell him a,

just a stick, basically. Which is like, why even accept it? The gag is fucking funny, though, when he gets home and you see what, like, how he got it home and it's like, he put it on the roof. So, like, the wind blew all the needles off. But also, there's just one, like,

dangerly placed piece of packing tape like holding it to the roof because it's so shitty and small kind of funny. So he goes to the neighbor he's a kind of by your tree is like sure he enlists Spike who at this point has been this end tank

and it's very similar to better off dead $2, $2 big time. Where's Frosty? Although in this movie Tim Allen fucking tackles this kid to the ground which is pretty great. Well, this is where the cult behavior really should shake you

because you have not one but what seems like at least a dozen teenagers rallying outside this house where is Frosty and I'm like you're a teenager go smoke a fucking marijuana cigarette and have sex with someone

you fucking nut job trying to get laid go listen to the deaf tones exactly fucking you do you not have an N64 or a PlayStation 2 I guess at this point maybe even a PlayStation 3 ought 3

ought 4 yeah I think we're out to PlayStation 3 at this point who told you to do this who told you to fucking be like protesting outside. Dad Aykroyd. They should be protesting the fucking war in Iraq.

But we should say the one thing we missed on the Christmas part when they are skipping Christmas is Eminem at Walsh sends all these carolers to his house. Oh, because there's this great scene,

not great, but very telling scene where this carol, this woman who's a caroler drives by, sees that the cranks don't have any lights up. Is like,

are they? And she says it like it's a fucking skin disease. She's like, are they Jewish? And he's like, no, they're not. And then she goes, converted to the nation of Islam. She goes, after he says, no, no Jews there.

No, no Jews in that house. Well, then I shall continue down the block until I find one. She goes, are they Buddhist? Yeah, it's like, that is a real like spinning a wheel. Ah, just pick one. We did Jews. Now just pick another one. It's so weird that we let them.

here. It's just how, yeah, no, they're black Israelites. They do a show on public access every Saturday night over there. Brandest message, great music. They got a lot of interesting documentaries on Amazon Prime. Have you ever heard of Dead Press? But whatever, but no, so these carolers show up, it's very annoying. Like, they're trying to hide. They do, like, this is like when the movie tries to be very funny when they're hiding. in the basement and Frosty is there and they try and make it look like he's

scary. Oh, hey weird. Steve a Christmas movie where someone goes in a basement and then something that's not scary turns scary. That's odd. Weird. Written and directed by Chris Columbus. Yeah, totally fucking weird. Strange how that happened. But that all happens. Whatever. But in there too is more

fucking Jamie Lee screaming. And what they're doing here is like what we were doing at Guantanamo. Just to say you're playing, they sing jingle bells, and then they're like, oh, that didn't get him out here, huh? Let's sing it again, but faster. And that keeps happening. I think at Gitmo, they played this movie over and over there.

Dude, I'd crack. I would fucking crack. Oh, I promise. But before next Christmas, stop playing Christmas with the cranks on repeat at Guantanamo. It's cruel and unusual punishment. Well, the grind core isn't doing the work anymore. We tried thrash, and then we tried to even. some atmospheric black metal.

But you know what? We're going to Tim Allen Rout. That's what we're going to have to do next. Oscar Isaac is at a food court somewhere. Like, yeah, we did a lot of things in that fucking war that I'm not happy with. Do you ever see the movie Christmas with the cranks? When he goes to kill Willem Dufo, Defoe is just watching Christmas with the cranks. Oh, it's my favorite

Christmas movie. You know what? I just finished. It's Joe Somebody. Remember when we killed that guy while we were watching Joe somebody? Oh, you got to pay for that, you son of a bitch. Remember that time? You broke that guy's arm watching the shaggy dog

yeah I'll never forget that buddy what do you want what are you here for the good old days the Tim Allen day what you came here to try to kill me uh oh great movie the card count yes Tiffany Haddish who seems like she should be in this movie

instead so like yeah now Jamie Lee Curtis it's you get your mothballs off this scene because we're going to the grocery store on Christmas Eve to get the thing. Ham Wars. Oh, you're fighting with a fat lady. Isn't that always

the case? It's just so annoying and she's just bubbly because it's Christmas. I need one of those honey hickory hands. That's what she likes. It's like the specific like she likes the so Johnsonville fucking Hickory, whatever. You know what?

You gave me fucking seven hours notice. It's a fucking regular hand. This is the stupidest thing about it's like it's she wants this like piece of shit canned ham that they mass produced by fucking like you a butcher you are rich people of course you like the nice ham that's organic and shit like they don't like shit like this knows rex the butcher who knows what chocolate is that the best is is the sugary stuff in the can well i went to rex and i asked him where the really good ham was and he says i don't know it's just chocolate for me so we just showed me his cock yeah we just had sex in the back room and then we I just went somewhere else to get the ham well I asked to wear

the good ham once he said do you want to get porked and then anyway I couldn't find the ham I just could not find a hand lesson learned I have to be up to date on all my sexual vernacular but this is a very family holiday thing like we used to have we used to go to my godmother's house for like most holidays and it was Thanksgiving one fucking year my sister really enjoyed the candied hand the candied yams right she was like she got like two fucking helpings. The rest of that of my sister's life, it's like, oh, Leslie likes to

fucking go. Don't keep it away from her. She fucking loves it. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And that's, it's interesting, right? Because like, oh, this is. Oh, she probably doesn't want to this ham in 12 fucking years. But just as we sort of create like traditions of like gathering and whatnot

for Christmas, like along with that is also the foods. And it's like, you know, yeah, you like that thing the one time. And then the next thing you know, 25 years of 10 and you're still eating them candy jams. You're shackled to it. Oh, yeah. And I mean, they love this.

This ham joke, they take this thing for a fucking walk because not only does like she like get into a fight with the old lady about trying to get one. She's also trying to bribe Andy Daly. Yes, 2003 Andy Daley. And like she's like, I will give here is the lease to my house. Give me the ham. She writes a check. We don't know what it is.

And then we get like the season, the series finale of the Sopranos with the fucking ham, it's rolling. I just wanted to sound like, oh shit. That was a pop, damn. Oh, dude, yeah. So the ham gets run over by that truck.

Yeah, the ham goes pop. And stop payment on that check immediately. Absolutely. Call the bank. Yeah, I mean, she was going to do that anyway. She's like, oh, yeah, here's a check for $1 million for a ham. What I love the gag here, too, that's kind of funny is like Andy Daley keeps looking at his.

wife. And it's just like, well, if I want to be getting fucked on Christmas, no lady, you can't have this hands. Because the wife is like shaking her head silently like, don't you do it, don't you do it. God, yeah, go to a fucking real butcher. Anyway, so like that, she winds up getting steamed, uh, steamed trout or some smoke trout. Smoke trout because that's like the joke. What, what could be more fucking disgusting than a piece of smokefish? Disgusting. It's Christmas Eve. Sounds a little, uh, sounds a little Jewish to me. You're smart. You got some bagels in that bag, too?

Oh, you got your latkes tonight. Oh, yeah, defy. Yeah, I found one. Dan Akron's on the other end of the book. Thank you for finally using my code name. He's got Patrick Stewart's green room glasses on. Hey, Spike, get over here. You're going to get your red laces tonight, buddy.

Yang, gang. Like, it's just, yeah, the smoke trout is, it seems a bit coded. There's nothing left. Yeah. nothing left to buy. I mean, there's disappearing stuff off the shelves. That's true. Back in 2004, we should have been freaking the fuck out.

That's Joe Biden's fault, too. Yes, it was. Every time. Oh, man. I got COVID a third time and I had to cancel the White House screening of Christmas with the Craigs. My favorite Christmas movie. I'm going to make Tim Allen and a secretary of defense. I know, I, well, somebody's in the role.

Okay. No, no, no. I didn't say defense. No, he's the secretary of defense. He knows how to keep neighbors from coming over your fence, you see. He's going to be in charge of all the fences in America. Yeah, yeah. He's out there talking to Wilson, so I don't have to.

And everybody's got a Wilson, and everybody needs somebody to talk to that, Wilson. That's what Tim Allen's going to be doing for America. Every time he goes into the White House yard, there's someone over the fence trying to talk to. Oh, Wilson, my approval rating is getting lowered, lower.

well Mr. President Oh look Hey there neighbor Oh look Tim's at the fence again I'm gonna go say hi to Tim Hey how about what do you think of his fence Tim

Heidi ho Mr. President Oh so So here we go Getting in some Christmas magic If you will I'm surprised this wasn't her fucking first stop But Jamie Lee's at the liquor store Yes

Yes And here comes Austin Pendleton rum-a-pum-pum just fucking creeping out at the liquor store and he's like, oh, Nora Crank, well, hello there. Well, like, you've lived in the world long enough, Jemilia Curtis. You should know by now not to believe the man in the liquor store who pretends he knows you.

This should have been an easy one to maybe ignore. It's Illinois, where everyone's nice to each other. Of course. And we've also established. The sub-beams. that's pretty good we're just living in the shabby my life is great

Christmas is my only thing that I'm ever worried about I prefer the subbeeps to the simi the shimmy's full of crime oh no Fox News told me the only safe place

at Christmas is the subibes it's crime anon is happening in this country oh no I'm gonna go to no yeeks No, but we already established that no one is going to their Christmas party because they're inviting everyone on Christmas Eve. So she's like, oh, why don't you come on by fucking deranged lunatic who's probably jerking off this conversation as we talk? And it's a weird thing where he's like, so, yeah, oh, your daughter didn't come home.

Blair is coming in there. At that point, it's like, how do you know the name of my 23-year-old blonde daughter? Because I'm Santa Claus lady. also the Blair thing seems to be a neighborhood wide thing. They all think Blair walks on water. Oh yeah. There's later a cheering section for Blair

coming home. Oh, I thought you meant Tony Blair. Only ally in the war, you see. He's stuck by her. She's a loyal one, that one. Freedom fries. Tim Allen gets arrested for for being in the neighborhood. Yeah.

Then he rolled on everybody He was rolling everyone else in the neighborhood Him and William H. Macy rolled on everybody. No, he gets arrested for being at the other guy's house and Spike runs away and like this is when Cheech Marin and Jake Busekely going away because you didn't fucking grease our pockets

dude. Yeah, absolutely. You're lucky we didn't put a fucking bullet in your back. That's very true. But also the guy who's watching the neighbor's house with binoculars from his house, that's the guy that really belongs in jail. The father of rickety Cricket. Just peering into people's home. He gets his at the end of this. He's almost frozen to the fucking. They should have let that dude die. Yeah, that'd be nice. If you just cut to him at the end like Jack Nicholson and the end of the shining, he's just frozen on the road. This guy's

called the cops all the time on everything. Oh, absolutely. They know when they, when the cops see the fucking control board light up and it's that dude's phone number, they're like, oh, it's fucking racist Gary again. And you know that Rick and Cricket isn't going to be doing that. He's laid back. He's a nice guy. He's cool about it. But Spike comes by. This is like Spike's hero turn here. He gets Tim Allen out of jail.

He's like, no, he had the key. The guy gives permission. So he gets out and Tim Allen decides to put up the frosty by himself and comically almost kills himself. I mean, it's, it's the Tim Allen special. Tim Allen versus inanimate object. Inanimate object wins. And I mean, like this, the movie is out of gas at this point. It really is, dude.

This is like, I'm sorry. sitting there watching it yesterday and I was like oh so this was the second time in my life I went to the theater to see a movie because Chris and I saw this in theaters by the way Christ we didn't like we didn't pay a fucking cent for it okay

you paid with your soul exactly just my time which I am fine wasted you guys had a good time though right no we both came out and it was a real what are we doing with our lives that's happening here if we both turned to each other and we were like if there was only some outlet where we could talk about this movie

publicly. Yes. No, but the whole, oh, what the fuck? Ah, oh, it's, it's fading away. Oh, I was like, oh, this is the second movie I've seen in the theater

set at Christmas time where Tim Allen's fallen off a roof. You cannot have roofed shenan. Toss Tim Allen off a roof in a Christmas movie because the Santa Claus did it, you know what I mean?

And did everybody catch the fucking garbage Terminator joke right here? No. Because the whole thing is like, it's the shit from the basement where it's like, oh, Frosty's alive, right? And so he's got like bright red eyes. So the whole thing is Tim Allen's trying to hang Frosty. It goes tits up. Frosty falls off the roof and

Tim Allen gets his leg caught in the rope and whatever. The Frosty head, they caught to it at one point close up. The one eyeball light just goes out. And I was like, you can fucking S my D again this movie. No, thank you for that one. Jingle, jingle, jingle. By the way, he buys that smoke, trout. And he's like, it's for a party. What did you want me to do? Get frozen pizza. I'm like, yeah, if it's a party. If it's a party and if it's, if it's between that and fucking, yeah, a package of smoke trout, like. And here's what you do. I mean, you get both. Okay. So then what happens is you're serving the tombstone pizza. And you're like, look, it's tombstone pizza. And everybody goes, tombstone pizza. And then you say, well, the other option is this smoke trout. Everyone's eating the pizza. And then no one's. And then no one's, going to think about it ever again. But this is what, and then the movie turns yet again because he's hanging upside down.

And they're like, well, what are you doing up there, Tim? This is what Dan Akron gets involved. What are you doing up there? What are you? Like Christmas all of a sudden, you fucking comey? And he's like, well, actually Blair's coming home in just a few hours. And, you know, we're not going on the cruise anymore.

We learned a lesson about Christmas. And this should be the end of the fucking movie. The movie should last for 10 minutes more. Where the neighborhood rallies together and they put on the greatest party you ever seen. Just a short montage. That's all. But no, there's still got 40 minutes left

because we're rocking around the tree. We're playing fucking cool, fun Christmas music and Cheech Marin and Jake Busey have to go pick up the girl. This is when you get the Enrique Ben. And, you know, it's like, oh, they have to stall because you know, it's taking too long to decorate.

It's so cute. The little kids on a radio. Isn't that cute, Eric? It's so adorable. Yeah. Spike is radioing into stall. Yeah. And then Cheech Merritt in vansid domestic disturbance that they have to respond to. And there's just two cops going out

looking for trouble. Just having some fun. Yeah. Let's find somebody to arrest. We'll make it out. They actually do. Because some guy is stealing stuff, I guess,

out of apartments and falls down because Busey puts the light on them. They arrest this guy. We never really see them traveling with, because now they're going to be three people in the back seat. It's a little awkward. Yeah, exactly.

You'd think so. They didn't have to get in the front. But there is this, like, oh, it's Enrique's first Christmas, and he's confronted with the real world of American crime. Oh, it's scary. Yeah, that's, that's a problem there is because you're going to show that they are doing, like, they accidentally did their job for what seems like the first time in the movie. But it's also is like, is this their precinct? Aren't they out of jurisdiction? Where are they taking this guy? The weirdest part of this whole movie is when, like, everyone's heart's warm.

It's like, oh, Blair, she used to do this for us, that for us. And then they're like, well, we can't pick up. player because we've got to fix the house fucking Dan Akron just goes you cops are going to do it they're like no we're not saying you want me to call your chief like this dude's got he's got this whole fucking town

under his thumb this guy's a nightmare his Christmas tree is covered in American flags you do this for me or I call Robert Proske do you want me to call Robert Proske there buddy he's right up the road well that's the thing right is like if this

movie took that turn into this a weird thief-esque kind of vibe. Hell yeah. Or it's like, oh, no, you fucked with the king of Christmas, dude? Absolutely. The Tangerine Dream songs just start kicking in. Totally. They're decorating the house.

They dump fucking, they dump Cheech Maren and some lie or whatever they do, Legeribolushi. Totally. It would be great. I love to hear like a 10-minute jingle bell version of Tangerine Dream. Just do it. I would buy that album. As it is, the nicest thing I'll say about this movie is there are some rockin Christmas tunes on the soundtrack, including Joey Ramon's Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight.

Yeah. Great fucking tune that he made later in life, not too shabby, was very surprised to find it in this movie. It sucks that has to be paired with images of Tim Allen, which really just, it really cheapens everything. Because now the whole town is just like, for Blair, we're turn it all around. Remember when Blair babysat every one of our kids? What? No. This poor woman was the only fucking neighborhood babysitter. Look,

I mean, we could say a lot of things, but the thing is Blair's blonde, right? I mean, that's kind of why we like her. Remember in high school when she would forget to close her blinds, everybody? And of course, who could forget the summer barbecue

2002 where I made a joke and it wasn't a great joke and Blair was cool enough to not tell anybody. Now let's pick her up from the year. We have to all do this for Blair now because everyone thinks Tim Allen's an asshole. She hated cheerleading but she sure wore that outfit for all

of us. Didn't she folks? Well, when we all gathered on the front lawn, you know, and took pictures of Blair going to her senior prom that saved my marriage. That was the day I learned I could just go in the bathroom and jerk off to pictures and didn't have to cheat on my wife anymore.

And I figured out the Zoom on my digital camera and it really did a number there. 2.5 megapixels. Yang, gang, gang. Could you send me that on a drive? Oh, you fill up this zip disc with a bunch of blare photos.

Zip disc, that's of the air. That's right. We got that zip disk to get me over my dying wife. We're going to share the blare files. It takes a while to load up the zip disk or whatever the wife's going to die first. Oh, need a little. more storage

move up from the zip drive to the jazz drive anybody know what I'm talking about? No yeah I know it's

2004 but I still got dialogue I'm going to take some time these photos of Blair my disc ain't floppy

no more so yeah we're just doing all this stuff everything's working out it's great they wind up

yeah the Cheech Baron gets the criminal they go to the party the party's going off

fantastic and the joke The joke is nobody knows who Austin Pendleton in, like everybody's like really nice to him and they're like, who is that guy? Yeah, he knows us, but we don't know him. He knows Enrique or sort of like he knows Peru. Oh, he starts speaking Spanish to him.

It's kind of awesome because the dude playing Enrique like turns to Blair and it's just like, do you mind if I only talk to this guy? Dan Eckroyd is freaking me out. He keeps asking me what I think about America. I know those are pointed questions. Walked through the front door and this guy presented me with a front pocket-sized cover of the U.S. Constitution. I have been speaking English, but he did remind me that if I don't speak English, he's going to kick me out.

He gave me a hand drum and said, you know how to play this, right? He just kept on handing it to me. Oh, hand drum. I thought he said hand job. No, no. Ying, ying, y'ing. Come on, Enrique, let's find it out. Let's go.

Let's come. We're going to show you what this neighborhood's all about, Enrique. Why don't you yank my crank? And again, just to keep this, again, literally just to keep this movie going, the power goes out at some point. The power goes out. We got to get the power company out there. All of these little problems that, like, Spike releases the criminal who's then stealing from the house. Oh, no.

So stupid. You lied to me, criminal. How dare you? And he steps on some Christmas bulbs that burst and he falls off the roof and he's re-apprehended. Reminds me of another movie that Chris Columbus was. involved. Interesting. I wonder what that could be.

But there is a funny thing with Spike, just because poor fucking Eric, whatever his name is. Yeah, Perth Sullivan, I think. Per Sullivan,

yeah. They have this shot and it's like kind of, the shot sort of the epitome of everything I hate about this movie because it's like the coming together of all these fucking douchebags to save the day.

And so it's the police escort of, you know, Blair and Enrique coming to the house. flanked by all these neighborhood kids on bicycles. Yes. And you've got fucking Spike like leading the charge and this poor kid

this poor actor. He's trying to ride this bike and he's getting whipped in the face with all this fake snow and you can see the kid being like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, like trying not to lose his balance on the bike. It's an incredible shot they left in the movie. And it's not like Creed going to the big fight. It's Blair coming home for fucking

Trout is more important than anything, okay? I guess so. We should say that Austin Pendleton brings the ham, Chris. He had the ham that everybody wanted. Does your daughter happen to like the shittiest ham there is? Oh, here's one for you. And like, you know, Enrique, Austin Pendleton, they perform a cute little song and everything. This is again, the end of the movie.

You know what I mean? And everybody's sitting there, you know, hands around one another. What a great night. And, like, Enrique gives a really sweet speech. And he's like, thank you for welcoming me here. It's a beautiful speech. Dan Aykroyd getting furious the whole time listening to it. He's got to have some other motivation for saying all these very nice, heartfelt things.

Yang, yank, yank. Enrique, I call him. This is a weird thing. You would lose a bet if you were like, is there an extended accordion jam in this movie? Yeah. Most people would say no. And you would guess wrong because here comes. Dan Aykwright to ruin this very nice

Austin Pendleton and Enrique Spanish language sing along with his fucking squeeze box out of nowhere. It better be fucking American. Here's some Polish music. Mama's got a squeeze box. Nobody likes this song. Nobody's into that.

Oh, it's Christmas. Okay. But so like, I think Jamie Lee Curtis gives a huge speech of like, you know, thank you all for coming together and just send the other thing. And I'm like, oh, cool, credits are going to be here. And then Tim Allen's like, yeah, ditto. And I'm like, oh, no, not another problem. Not another fucking problem.

His heart is still not grown, the double size it needs to be. So he has to walk outside and do some little soul search and maybe knock on Walt's door. Well, like any good accountant, he can, he can smell in the air when a financial opportunity is slipping through his fingers. When money might be wasted. Right. So he finds a way to, he's going to take his, uh, the past. The cruise package, he's going to give it to M. M. M. at Walsh and his poor wife. But no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. We need to make this longer.

Oh, of course. He brings over a ham. Yes. Which is like the honey or hickering ham. We were all just fucking fighting for you. Now you're just giving it away. And also, like, I don't know, what am I going to do with that fucking hair? I point out I'm allergic to pork. So that's a big problem. To pork. I never heard that before.

And then he's like, you know, my dying wife, the doctor says, she's got to stick to vegetarian mostly. But, I mean, because, like, Tim Allen gets in 2005 with Jamie Lee Curtis. I can't believe you're still, you're still so scroo. Just get out of here. Yeah. He leaves, and he's like, he looks at on Eminem Walsh and his wife. And it's like this idea that it says, I mean, it is set.

She's dying. But, like, that's their Christmas. Leave them alone. No. Here's the thing. There's a way to do it where the ending of this movie is better, makes a touch more sense. And he doesn't have to give that fucking cruise away. And I'll tell you right now. When he goes to that house to give him the ham, he's like, oh, yes, it seems like the party's really raging over there.

And M. M. M. at Walsh apologizes and says that they couldn't make it because it was looking bad outside with the weather and she couldn't get across the street. The way you end this is not give away your cruise. You go across the street and you say M.M. at Walsh and his wife can't make it because she is too infirm to get across the road. Let's bring the party to their house. It's the fucking spirit of Christmas I didn't clean for this Oh, no, didn't pick up after the dog do There's all my photos of Blair

All over the place All right, Jaby Lee Curtis, get our palanquin We're gonna bring her across But also like actually You know, me and my wife We're just gonna sit around And talk about the old days Listen to our old favorite records

It's kind of like what we liked That's how we like Christmas Doesn't have all this shit around Oh, a bunch of people They're breaking the records. Oh, that's, you're stepping out in my military photo there. Oh, no. Oh, we're going to play the spicy music, too.

We're going to play Walking After Midnight, one of the hotter songs known out there. Froma clogged the toilet up. Wow, this is a, I want to have a nice quiet Christmas, probably my last one with my beautiful wife here on Earth, and now you've all ruined it. Toilip backing up, shit water. over the floor. Oh, my God. You're playing that Dominic the donkey again and again. I fucking hate that song. Oh, you're playing Moody River. My heart's fresh and now. I wonder how far across America Dominic the Christmas donkey got because it's very Italian. It's very Italian. It's very, you know, I would I would wage you right in if you're on the Midwest or in the West Coast. If you're, you know, Dominic the donkey, the Italian Christmas donkey, jiggity jiggy. People in Montana definitely know where the donkey is. I mean, oh, they have.

because they married one. Of course, yes. But it is because the sled that sent the rides is made in Brooklyn. No, jigger-de-jit. It's awful. It's kind of fantastic. Well, Steve, you know, it's like the way you like Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey is the same way

I like Paul McCartney's wonderful Christmas time. Oh, I hate that song. Sing exactly. Dominic the Christmas donkey, that's a word. Christmas song I've yet to hear, so that's what I'm saying. You're Eminem at Walsh. You're with your wife. She's dying. Sure. It's just like, oh, this is my fucking favorite one.

I fucking hate that donkey. But you have to assume, though. I mean, because that Jack was very funny. But you have to assume that they have attended that holiday party themselves for fucking 20 years. Exactly. So whatever. He's...

Champion having a wonderful Christmas time. Tim Allen, like, tries to voice the I'm like, no thanks, but, you know, thanks for everything, blah, blah. And then, you know, he stands between two houses. Oh, yeah, right in the middle of the street. Beautiful shot, beautiful shot, great shot, great shot. He's like, you know what?

I'm going to go back. And he says, hey, why don't you take our cruise? I didn't buy the insurance, yada, yada, yada. One thing that we should reveal at some point at the end is that he did buy the insurance. And he is actually, you know what I mean? Like, that'd be kind of a nice thing, too. Yep. You're totally right.

If Jamie Lee Curtis, like, I thought you're going to claim the insurance on those tickets. And he's like, no. No, no, no. You know what I mean? You're totally right, Steve, because what it then boils down to is like, why didn't want to waste the money? That's exactly what I'm saying. Like, it's a financial opportunity. It's just like, that's what did it.

It wasn't an M.M.M. at Walsh. Yeah. Is that there was money going down. He specifically says, oh, no, no. To M. Walsh, I don't have the insurance. They're going to get wasted. But, yeah, it'd be cool if you twisted around at the end. Right.

But no. But everyone was like, well, I don't know, I got a fucking bathing shoe. I think my wife literally is dying. I don't want her to die on the Cayman. She can't get to heaven unless she dies in America. Well, you know, actually, you know, funerals are awfully expansive and the decks are awfully slippery. You know, it might be a little bit of a cost-saving adventure for myself.

Let me get your photo here, honey, right on the deck there. Yeah, why don't you turn your back to the ocean? Yeah, oh, that's right. That hospice care bill is going to be pretty expensive, not what? Insurance pays off triple If you die out of ship Oh yeah Why don't you run to me

As you pass the pool Just run at full speed As you pass the pool Oh hello Blair I lost my beautiful wife on a cruise And now I'm rich You know my wife used to be Blair Blonde

She looked like you And she was young Why don't you come over You know I know how to treat a lady I'll make you a nice bean and salad dinner Now it turns into M. Emmett Walsh in X. Oh, yes. Yeah, you can rent my guest house.

What are you filming in there? Uh-oh. Blas getting naughty and I'm getting horny. He wakes up in the middle of the night to a mirror and he's doing like, You still look beautiful. You still are everything I ever wanted. And I saw my reflection in the snow covered here. Oh, boy.

Whatever. that scene fucking tells you that they are more than just fuck flick actors and he's a very talented guy it validates itself you Chris Cabin you roll in your eyes I love that I fucking hate that I fucking hate that scene so much I think porno people can just fuck and that's all they do you just want him to fucking come all over his Britney Snow's tits and that's the end of it well he's a talented musician it's kid Cuddy god damn I know who it is I think everybody knew who it was for sure they said King Cuddy in X Yes, Mr. Sherman.

Oh, man, I'm just, I'm happy to have not a strong opinion either way on that movie. There you go. I like that movie until the Lans. Like that scene specifically fucking, I hate it. Which I knew you did, which is why I brought it up and poking the little Chris bear. So whatever. He gives them the fucking thing. And, you know, at the end, the, the criminal gets knocked out by Austin Pendent's,

and Pendleton Santa Claus. And he's like, well, I always work on Christmas by everybody. And he goes in a bug. and I'm like because he goes into a bug because he's just the fucking rain the the the you know the the umbrella sales well I'm like we didn't do it we got out of it

we didn't do it we didn't do it and then very much like the I think I should shanty at the windy it is a thing it is very similar to the end of Christmas vacation because he's outside looking at everything she comes out to him and she's like

you know I heard what you did for the shields that's so sweet I can't believe it and this would be a great time and she's like, I thought you're going to take the insurance, you old softy. But no, we don't say that. I heard what you did. That's fantastic. You are a great guy.

Kiss. The joke is maybe we'll take that cruise next year. Oh, Christmas with the Craigs too, Pons of Peace. Oh, yeah. Tropical vacation. Yeah. Christmas with the twos. But then it ends.

We get a helicopter shot of the neighborhood. The frosty comes to life. He turns around and fucking spikes that camera immediately. What the fuck is going on? and then Austin. I need souls. And then yes. Austin Fendell in the bug

is being pulled by reindeer and is like Merry Christmas. Oh man. Kiss the darkest part of my ass. Now here's the other thing. Written by Chris Columbus. Sure.

Okay. Now just some folks, a little inside baseball here but the production of the show. Today we have met to do this episode and record our commentary on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

which will be on patreon.com slash we have movies. I'm fairly certain that at the start of that movie I haven't seen in a while but I think this is the one that starts with their going back to school and it involves a flying bug it's the right one.

And like dude Chamber of Sequence was already out. I'm pretty fucking certain because I was Chamber of Secrets I think was 02 and this is 04 dude I mean whatever fuck JK rallying, but like, you rip that lady off with this idea. Well, it's also like who

else knows? It's not like we know what he drives, really. Like, it's not a big part of the movie. You only see him get in the car seconds before you see it flying later. So what is this even? Why? It's nothing. It's nothing. Get your jacket, Chris. The episode's over. Thank you.

The movie's over. The episode's over. I agree. That is true. That is Christmas with the Cranks, a holiday non-classic to be sure. Can I be presumptuous here? It's a non-recommend for everybody, Steve? No, it's really like, it doesn't commit to anything. I do think if there was a world in which Tim Allen was way not into Christmas,

Dan Aykroyd was way into Christmas and they had to meet in the middle and somebody learned a lesson somewhere, that would be something. That's not what this movie is. It changes the premise three and a half times. Each time it's worse than the last. And it's just, it's out of gas from the start. Chris Cabin. Yeah.

I mean, to me, the issue is Tim Allen. Tim Allen is not good in this. He's not usually good in anything. But like specifically here, like, you need some variable, some like emotion, some kind of sense that this is a father who cares about other people. And Tim Allen is not up to the job. He just does not. It doesn't seem like he cares about anybody.

And like it's Christmas time. Otherwise, I might care, but not care. Like, it's Christmas, you're supposed to care. Right. So, yeah, fuck it. Well, I disagree completely. I think this is a holiday class. I think this is going to be playing for quite some time in my house.

Did you get the 4K? No, no, it's painful. I was kidding. I don't like it. No. That's it. That's it. That's good.

Fuck it. Yeah. It's super sucks. The aughts and like the resurgence of a lot of like big budget Christmas movies. I mean, they'll have a, uh, uh, they're given as a fucking. a sandbox to play in for years because there was a lot of bad ones made and this is like one of the bigger ones

and there are better Christmas movies out there that's the cool thing with holiday movies there's a fuck ton of them so you can ignore the bad ones and that is gonna do it for our discussion on Christmas with the cranks if you want more we hate movies check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies

we're speaking to Jamie Lee Curtis this month we have a we love movies episode all about James Cameron's true lies yes a lot of fun on that episode And we have a holiday-geared animation damnation. That's right. We're doing the elf on the shelf origin story from Netflix. So we see how he was like some humdrum businessman and his soul got put into the elf doll.

Yes, exactly. And then he has to live inside your house and rat on your children. Or whatever the fucking. I'm ready to bargain. Hey, Dormammu. That's the one I was thinking. I was trying to think of the one from Chucky. What's that one?

It's another demon. It is. Ballas! I always get them confused, those two rascals. So we got that going on. As I mentioned, just in time for the holiday season, we will, of course, be releasing our final single book commentary of the year, which is Chris Columbus's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. We also have a once in a lifetime on the very surprisingly popular, A Christmas Prince. Yes, the Netflix movie, A Christmas Prince, you've probably seen it 30 times by now, listener. Well, we did a full-length episode on that. And it's at the top. year of our Patreon. It was a lot of fun

to talk about. Absolutely. Who we gleeping with this? We are gleeping with Zam Weasel, who is a prequel character from Attack of the Clones you see for five seconds before they die. That is the kind of gleeplessery entry I want right before Christmas. Five page entry, I assume.

It's a shorter one, Chris. You know what? There's going to be a barrel laughs on it. Okay. And a big barrel, a big barrel laughs. And, you know, if you sign up now, you unlock everything we've done. So you could get last month's episode on Chewbacca, which is an hour and seven minutes long. And if you sign up now for the Chamber of Secrets, you get the first Harry Potter as well, including all the Twilights, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, man, our commentaries. You know, I'll say maybe 2023, get a little early New Year's resolution here. Okay. Kind of kick back a little bit. Maybe do a power hour commentary. Just one. Just one of the four. At a retirement.

I like that's right. We'll see what happens. Now, Steve, here on the main feed, we're keeping the Christmas theme going next week. Are we not? We are. We're keeping the Chris Columbus theme going. It's Home Alone 2 lost in New York. Oh, yeah. One that I feel is going to split the room a little bit. We're going to be bringing my wife Chelsea on who's a big fan of this movie as am I. I don't think everyone in the room is a big fan. You know what? That's okay because there's nothing wrong with making fun of Home Alone 2. I'm going to be wearing my pigeon coat.

Oh, yeah. How I feel. So that'll be like, oh, that's why he smells like shit. And I'm going to be wearing a pigeon costume. him and I'm going to shit on them. I am going to tape it. Yeah, totally. This is the first video podcast episode. I'll put that on a zip disk for me.

Oh, get that on your jazz drive. Anyway, until next week with Home Alone to Lost in New York. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Shady. Eric Cisco. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. I'm going to be.

I'm going to be. I don't know. You know, I'm going to be able to be. That was a hate gum podcast.