We Hate Movies - S13 Ep653: Jurassic World: Dominion

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

On this episode, the gang dodges atrociraptors and swats down gigantic locusts while chatting about the truly sad and terrible trilogy conclusion, Jurassic World: Dominion! Why couldn’t the film have had the guts to kill off some of these legacy characters? Why are we focusing on so much non-dinosaur story elements like corn seed, Clone Girl, and those dreadful locusts? And bringing back Dodgson? Really? PLUS: Coming this spring to ITV, the next docutainment sensation, My Dinosaur Bride!  Jurassic World: Dominion stars Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Laura Dern, Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, DeWanda Wise, Mamoudou Athie, Isabella Sermon, Campbell Scott, Omar Sy, and BD Wong as Dr. Henry Wu; directed by Colin Trevorrow. Click here to snag tickets to catch the gang LIVE in the virtual space on January 26 as they chat about the stunningly bad Thor: Love and Thunder! Ticket bundles available for the exclusive after-party Q&A as well! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new SW Crispy Critters, MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna? & Mortal Kombat designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this is a headgum podcast this week on the program well i sincerely hope this is the last of these it's Jurassic world dominion my name is Andrew Jupin Stephen sadak Eric Siscusaurus tabasaurus and we hate movies It's nice more. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. The worst of 2022 brings us back to the Isle of New Blar, wherever the fuck we're in. Oh, that one blew up in the last one. This is Colin Trevor's disaster piece. Jurassic World Dominion. Oh, my goodness. The longest movie ever made. I just, I, I, it feels I have not encountered this in a while where like, and we've had some. some long movies recently, everybody. We've got the Avatar was long as shit. That Babylon

movie is apparently a day long. RR, RR, three hours. RR's a big one. I've never felt the trudge so much going through something. You saw, did you watch the theatrical or there's an extended edition? I watched the extended. So you're shooting yourself in the foot and say, why is there

bullets in the guy? Because I had seen the theatrical version and I'd already made a point. I'm like, I'm not watching this movie again. So I had to watch some different version of it to make it okay with myself. It's a nice to know that you're a man of your word. I tried to be. Try to be.

I watched the theatrical twice on streaming. I did not see this in the theaters. And I did not see Fallen Kingdom in the theaters. I saw the first Jurassic World theaters. But I saw this already. And when I came across the extended thing on Amazon, one of my biggest problems with this movie is that

there's not a ton of dinosaur action in it. Sure. This extended cut, like copy that they have here has the friggin audacity to be like, yeah, this extended movie with way more dynos and way more action scenes. And I was like, yeah. Oh, fuck you. Jurassic fucking park, man. Like, that's what I, that's, and you call it a disaster piece. It is not a disaster piece. It is a science fiction, what you might call it. Oh, nice. Because the, the original movie is a disaster movie. It is a disaster movie that take place on an island and the dinosaurs are the disaster. Humans get through it. A lot of humans meet their end.

At the end of this movie, nine motherfuckers get on a helicopter and get away from this fucking thing. Absolute nonsense. That's a baseball team. That's a fucking baseball team. Get away from these things. Totally. Dude, you at least have to have the fucking pinch hitter eating. I mean, that's the problem when you get into these gutless legacy things. And again, a lot of people were shocked by it, props to fucking scream 5 for killing David Arquette off. Sure. Because that was like a final actual thing.

Here comes this movie where we don't have the fucking balls to kill Ian Malcolm, even though he finds himself in like a similar precarious position, like that first movie. He's doing the same torch thing. It should happen. It should have balls to do something with these characters you're bringing back. Why else are you bringing them back?

They don't do anything really in this movie. To be fair, to scream, think that David Arquette death was a a soda machine. We were pitching back and forth. It took a little. We were trying to do it for a while. Ever since the first movie, you're totally right,

they were trying to kill me. Very nearly died in at least half of these. Yes. But I mean, like, but you're right though, Malcolm. But I mean, like, it reminds me a lot of a movie that Colin Trevoro either got rejected from or fired from, uh, Rise of Skywalker. Insofar as it's the end of this quote unquote story. Right.

Yet we're still introducing new characters. and it just is a hodgepodge mess of three or four ideas where like this isn't what I came for this is not the movie that I want multiple movies going on. It has enough Dino action too in my mind. I don't need any more of that.

I needed a little bit more of that. I will say, but something to what you were saying, Steve, I actually had the thought last night if this was not a Jurassic World movie and it was just some other thing and we weren't doing all the stuff of reintroducing all these favorite beautiful characters that we've

miss for so long you know I might have liked this a little bit more if I wasn't expecting it to be something what I was missing here's the thing if it was a movie where they were like we're taking all the scientists from those first that first

Jurassic Park movie and they're going on this like B movie sci-fi thing with a bunch of bugs sure okay I mean that's a thing I do think that all of their stuff even though we're not killing anybody the OG castes story in all of this

is, I mean, they're both bad, but infinitely more interesting to me than the fucking Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt finding a clone girl. I mean, that's the problem here is like, I don't need Jurassic World or Jurassic Park for that matter to be a Robert

Altman movie. I don't need this breadth of character that they've got here. I don't need to see it from this many perspectives. When they finally come together at like 70, five minutes in the movie where the two movies finally make one movie? That's and there's seven characters. Two more are going to join them later. You are

looking at the screen and you were just like you can't fit any more people into the frame. And they find two more they find that dude. Ramsey is like oh I'm somebody that should have a noble death but I don't. Yep. And then B.D. fucking Wong who has been the mustache twirling villain for all three of these

movies gets a redemption arc. Fuck you. He should be eaten by three to four different dinners. But he's helping clone girl. Learn about her Clone past. Dude. Question about clone girl. I don't know much

about human cloning. Sure. But maybe just a little. Whatever you're going to say. Did some research. You looked it up. No, no. I've kind of, obviously, I've forgotten

the events of all the other movies. She's introduced in Fallen Kingdom. In Fallen Kingdom, yes. And so now she's cloned from some lady that looks like her. And is the British accent genetic? It just comes out with the... I guess...

Isn't it the chaplain daughter? But is a gene being raised? by like fucking Chris Pratt. It's a great question. She was with, but in the last movie, Cromwell. Cromwell,

I don't know if he was doing a British accent. I can't remember, but it was like a manor. So I mean, the British accent, oh, yes.

When you're around wealth, I think you just sort of start, start getting one. Fraser Crade the situation. Oh, definitely. Fledged to the Patreon. We might have British accents one day.

It's his succession accent. It's that, like, that's what he's doing. Just the wealth of sound. This movie starts, it's really funny Because it's, I mean like This now see this

Dude, now this Man, how to date your movie in like a single calendar year? There's a fucking now this video Now this exposition That is still a thing. I thought that was like it from 2010. That's what I'm saying. How to date you. Yeah, totally dead. Maybe he was dead before 2022. I'm not kidding you. I'm watching this

like Thursday afternoon and Jen is in the other room working. and I got the volume going. I was like, I had to do a bunch of stuff for the show. And I didn't tell her. And she came in and she's like, oh, this is a movie. I thought you were doing a Jurassic World cartoon from the sound of it. Like literally, just from hearing like this where it.

Dino, DNA. Well, there's dinosaurs everywhere now. And there's dinosaurs here and dinosaurs there's going to be dinosaurs in your house. Like, it just sounds like cartoon. It's like opening if they did Chef 2 with John Favro and you open with one of those tasty videos where you clean the chicken. and all that shit. And I'm like, no, who cares?

It is such a dumb way to do a previously on Jurassic world. Because there's so much story and they know, they know for a fact, nobody remembers or gives a shit about Fallen Kingdom. So they have to be like, and clone girl also. And I'm like, dude, get the fuck out of it. You got to remember that clone girl is there. You got to remember that the Island Nublar exploded in the last movie. Of course, the great character actor, Ted Levine, perished in the great Fallen Kingdom

disaster of 2026. And at least, yeah, in that movie, Ted Levine is playing a fucking scumbag kind of dude or whatever. And he eats shit hard in that movie. It's kind of great. That movie sucks ass, but that's kind of great. None of that here. There's, look, the one, the poacher guy gets an okay death. Uh, okay death. That's it. Tim Cook. Oh, I'm sorry, Campbell Scott. Uh, yeah, Tim Apple dies in this movie. Tim Apple gets one that you're almost like, that's about where I want. I wanted more. Speaking of the poacher angle and I think now this video brings it up and stuff like, oh, they're hurting all these poor dinosaurs. It's

like, are you fucking kidding me? It'd be open season. No one would want to try to protect these things. They'll pull. It's like, what do you want to do with dinosaurs? Like, kill them, let them have a sanctuary or, you know, let them just roam free. One of them is, one of them is reopened Jurassic Park. But it's like, kill was like 35% are you kidding me? It would be 99%. I would be marching in the streets to kill these fucking things. I got to tell you though, and I would march on Washington.

Chelsea brought this up though. I think she's right. We were watching it last night. Well, I was watching it and she was watching me feeling sad for me. There would definitely be a higher number of fucking idiots that would be like, just open the park again, man. It's fucking cool. Just get it under control and reopen the park.

Just less security is the problem. You have to have much less security. I mean, also, think about this way. A cow fart is like doing damage to think. A fucking bronosaurus fart will evaporate the fucking thing. It's just gone. Yeah, the ozone layers

is kaput at this point. Whatever fucking dino diarrhea is happening. You're getting straight sun all the time. Unmitigated. 38 people have died in four years from dino attacks bull fucking shit. That is such a low

number. Fucking into first Jurassic Park movie. six to seven people die in one day. You want to see the polling data on that. You want to hear what the questions are that they're asking. We got America's funniest home videos on the case with this now this thing because they're wedding with the taradactyl. Oh, that's

pretty funny. Oh my God. It's amazing. Well, you know what? Yeah, the numbers are saying it's all these dinosaurs killed these people. But listen, a lot of them morbidly obese. A lot of them had cancer. A lot of them had Diopedes.

If you do have a pre-existing condition of being morbidly obese, you are more than likely to be eaten by raptors. You can't outrun him. You can't outrun him. He was eaten by raptors. Well, I heard he got the jab. I think that's why. I think that's why.

Look up hashtag died suddenly, by the way. Yeah, totally. Folks, Dolophosaurus is classically love vaccines. They just eat them up. If they get a scent of a vaccine, they're going to eat it up. Mr. Dodson was trying to expanse. run through the jungle, but he got the jab and he was shedding the vaccine. The dilaphasaurus

could smell the shed. That's how he got killed. Speaking of the COVID stuff is like, there's wet markets for dinosaurs in this. Oh, welcome to the prehistoric COVID's about that. Totally. That's the thing though, man. This, now this video, the wedding is fantastic. There's like three to four better movies nudged in here. One of which is the like British scumbags being arrested. and like, oh, I don't know what you were doing with those dinosaurs.

Oh, that's right. Oh, the one lady's screaming. Yeah. You fucking piece of shit. I forget this. She was fucking them. No, she was selling them like a parakeet. Yes, exactly.

It's a couple of times in this movie. And one of the funniest things about the continuation of this series is how they have updated the looks of the dinosaurs based on like contemporary research. And, you know, we're always finding out about more. A lot more. creatures and whatnot. A lot of feathers. A lot of hair and feathers going on here. And this movie, there's a lot, say some positive things about this movie here and there. A lot of puppet work in this movie. But some of these puppets, dude, including a lot of the stuff at the, like, the wet market and the lady, like, selling shit out of the English house or whatever.

It's a lot of just disgusting Jim Henson nightmare things. Dark crystal fucking little salacious crumb, gleepclop things. Certain parts of the wet market scenes, it does actually look like we've been trans. to the Flintstone's movie. It does. I'm just like, what are we do, what the fuck is this? Is it a dinosaur to do the dishes? Yeah.

The grill, like the grilled dinosaur meat, that makes sense. Of course we're eating them. That I would do that all the time. There's the one scumbag like in the wet market who's just like sitting on a bench just gnawn on some dyes.

I was like, of course, finally we acknowledge in this franchise we would be eating these thing. Dino ribs. I want in the now, either of the now this or a supplemental bonus feature. This is what happened.

especially just thinking about England and dinosaurs, there would be one of those like English freak documentaries, which were my favorite thing, which is where we get Granny Shagger from. I was like, oh, yeah. Welcome back to my dinosaur bride. Jared lives in Wales alone. And he, every day,

he goes to see his Delophosaurus bride. Oh, yeah, Teresa. She had, you know, they make fun of me because they say that she's been with a lot of men. I got to tell you, she ate all them. It wasn't she were fucking. I'm she was saying that she ate all them people. I don't think it's very fair to call

them exes. Yeah, it's all right. She ate my hand last week, but we were having an argument, you know. It's too bad there can't be like a zoo incident, right? Because the mammals, they're not mammals, they don't have penises, right? You got a hole, you can get in there. So you can't have like a, you can't have like a big Tyrannosaurus, fuck you. Yeah, there's not

going to be a Mr. Hand situation. Something's not going south in that way. But yeah, you could tie him down and knock that hole, knock some sense. Well, yeah. Yeah, we got a joke that we use all the time. It's kind of funny things for the two of us, you know. It's the only time she ain't spitting is in the bathroom.

No, yeah, Teresa, she, you know, we make fun of it. We make all these jokes all the time about wanting to kill your mother and not. But Teresa actually got to do it. She actually got to, you know, because my mother, I wasn't close with my mother. Well, that was the thing. I wasn't really interested in the dinosaurs until I found out they were all female and I was like, well, the dating pool

has certainly increased for me, Jared. You know what you could do too, right? You get, you know, you sedate them. You declaw them. Oh, yeah. And you're not, and you're not going to be good for gum and or anything. There's too much jaw power. Oh, yeah, the jaws is going to rip it right off.

Yeah, yeah. Eric, you are also just asking for whatever the dino version of the AACPA or the fuck and uh as pcia yeah yeah whatever that is exist no dinosaurs were harmed in the making of sorry i can't stand this movie for being like what would anyone hurt a dinosaur they're fucking they're either not dinosaurs they're inhuman clone hybrid monstrosity well i would sincerely hope that they're inhuman first of all but they just fucking destroy them like this movie like presupposes that like they're just a billionaire vanity project like

fucking Jeff Bezos cloned himself and then fucking it turned into a zombie situation wherein like it multiplied would be like well just we have to support the zombies Jeff Bezos things because they're people too like no they're not they deserve to be dead well it's because we

they do so much to like humanize them in this like fucking every dinosaur on earth we'll listen to whatever Chris fucking Pratt has to say if he holds up his stupid fucking hand. It's not just hands. Let's talk about this right now. And it's not just

Chris Pratt's Owen Grady character here. There are multiple people in this movie speaking English to dinosaurs as if the dinosaur knows exactly what they are saying. Clone girls doing it. Oh, and Grady's

like all of these. Both of those have less than a fifth gate education. And also you got to remember the clone girl is trying to talk to them for the entire movie. She doesn't truly connect until she does the stupid fucking hand print. It's a big hand

thing. If you do any dinosaur, go oh, here's my hand, don't bite me. She's clone girls, the future of the dino tamers. Of course. Shut the fuck. But the thing is like, in that first movie, which we did on patreon.com slash movie, by the way, it's a pretty good episode. But there is so many great

Spielberg shots of these dinosaur faces and these weird reptilian eyes showing you that these things have nothing to do you. They just want to kill you because they don't understand where they are. That is the whole situation. This trilogy, this Jurassic World trilogy, is this shift from they are monsters to some of them can be our friends. It starts with some of them can be our friends. And that is a quick backslide into all of them. Yes, you're totally right. And it's, it starts with that fucking

blue. Yeah. Because you give one a name and he's caring about it in that first movie and blues like helping them do things like no these are not your pets man even the first even the first Jurassic World movie which I do not like is also on Patreon.com slash movie movies um is uh they do

they're like even at least that lady really gets it from those pterodactyls she gets assistant or whatever I mean it's insane and it's like sort of this weird comment done being a childless woman or whatever but at the same time she really fucking gets it and that's what I'm here for is people really getting it from dinosaurs

you don't see people really get it or I mean there's there's a here and there but not really and the thing that's ass is the here and theirs are not characters like there's the one poacher that kind of looks like Boyd Holbrook yeah and we don't even really like see what had like Chris Pratt watches

him get eaten I'm like turn that camera Delacourt I think his name is the dude looks like a fucking death eater yes that dude but then like all the other like quote unquote like sick kills or all the times that I was watching and you know when a death happened I would be like like at least that

they're all just nobody's they're people that have never had a line of dialogue and so instantly that makes them that's a less valuable kill and you're not seeing anything I mean it's I mean this happens this is now the second time this has happened

when you see Space Jam a new legacy all the sudden ready player one's looking pretty good yeah that's true you watch all these three movies the lost world is nearly good. Very nearly a good movie as compared.

Just because Spielberg knows what you have to show. You have to show some violence. The characters have to be a body count. You have to have some characters that are interesting and not just like, hi, I'm a person and that's it. How about this? Hi, I might be a lesbian. Oh, wow.

Look at that. Goodbye. We got to stop that shit. We just do, man. What is the, like, what, like I want to ask. Colin Trevor. Because it's the woman from the she's got to have a TV show on Netflix. Oh man. She plays

Kayla. I can't think of the actress's name, but the character is Kayla. And it's a weird, she says to Chris Pratt this offhanded like, oh, you've got a thing for Redheads. DeWanda Wise. Yes. And he's like yeah. And she just goes, so do why. Colin Trevro. Why? Yeah. What did that do for your movie? What do that do for that character?

Even at the end, when she's spray painting her fucking new plane, because we're going to set up Jurassic World Kayla's time whatever that's going to be it should be like her even if she had like her arm around the lady or something or like you know what I mean or when the chips are fallen

she's like shit I should have just moved to my ex-girlfriend this wouldn't have happened because it's by saying I like redheads too it's so vague kind of sort of maybe if you you know there's the context clues of the other redhead in the earlier scenes you're like oh I get it they were a couple or something

but you have to do all this mental math as opposed to just like showing it or even not having it in the movie. Right. Because it's... Either are a preferable movie. Just do it or don't. Thank you. You know what? If you're going to do it, great. Do it. But this half measure for brownie points is just

so... Well, that's the thing. This is what happens when you just takes things like this and make it into something you have to check off on the list. Yeah. They do shit like this where you're just like, well, what the fuck does that mean? And like... And it also sort of, it could possibly, I'm not saying this is the case, but

you know nothing would surprise me it also could serve as a thing to keep all the uncles at bay like don't worry the black woman isn't going to try to kiss the white guy she likes girl you know what it's very possible it's all it's all it's all it's all in there and it's all all this like queer baiting stuff is all to just do so to get fucking the two prong thing a you get your fucking parade for having someone say i like redheads and do nothing else with it but then when fucking dorito does 69 who has more youtube fucking hits and more patreon dollars than i'll ever have creates a big campaign about I can't believe they made

Jurassic Park gay and then everyone has to be like you know what I'm so proud that Jurassic Park is gay it's not even gay we have these arguments about absolutely nothing go woke go broke all those YouTube videos even though this was one of the highest grossing fucking movies of

yeah baby they love that shit and it's all it's all a dance everybody knows what they're doing it's like oh yeah if we do this we'll get all the wrong people mad at us and we won't actually have to even get anyone mad at us because we won't even do anything because they're not going to kiss. They're not going to actually express any part of their sexuality as opposed to saying, I like redheads too, winky dink.

I also think, not for nothing, man, this is a movie about, uh, excuse me, dinosaurs are roaming the earth, like, sexuality of any kind or human relationship. I don't give a fuck, give me some, how about this? Where are the gay dinosaurs? How about that? That would be nice. Like, what are we talking about? Are they getting married?

Is that happening? Because if so, we should pass. I mean, like this. As a dinosaur bride. she is a sad woman living in also Leeds somehow even less sad somehow having a dinosaur bride is less sad than having a real doll bride

these two triceratopses were trying to just kiss in a park and Sussex on Banks and they were ran out of town by the locals because the two triceratopses wanted to kiss because they both had bows in their hair making them clearly ladies

interspecial marriage. I mean, yeah, why not? No, please. I mean, it's fine. I now pronounce you man and cow. Definitely. That's the thing is there's man and cow living in sin right now. Might as well let them go to heaven when they die by recognizing it.

Yeah, we're seeing a bunch of stuff. It's a big opening montage. All of the stuff's more interesting. We're seeing dino. Owen Grady's do a dino rustling. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is Yellowstone. Yeah.

Jurassic Park I'm doing that shit the big sort of opening thing after the now this video is Bryce Dallas Howard and the two characters from the last movie

that nobody could give a flying shit about it needed to be in that now this video if you want me to remember who they are totally and you'll recall

of course beloved Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom character played by the dude from fucking detective Pikachu Justice Smith who spends that

last movie just screaming the whole time of course you know that her colleague is, what's the guy's name? Oh, God. But now this video.

Hey, Todd, I know we're on there. Could you look on your phone? Check the IMD. We're going to stop doing these. Now this video is live. Yeah. It's really blowing up in our face. But it's like the three of them have been spending their time

since the last movie as like this pseudo-dino rights liberators. And they break into like an illegal breeding house. And this is the fucking emotional manipulation. this movie starts right here with this cute little triceratops puppet and again points for puppets puppet points absolutely but like brys dallas howards like we got to save this one it's sick and he's going to die unless we get and then we're like liberating this one thing and that's like the chase scene at the start of this and you're talking about characters i don't care about any of these characters like chris pratt's character what real journey has he had through these movies other than running

around i'll tell you uh he's the best man ever right he can control raptor he's also handsome as shit. And Ron Howard's daughter is the best daughter ever. She's the best daughter of the mom. Good for you. I mean, that's the thing with Bryce Dallas Howard in this movie is I do feel like if you're going to have this person that obsessed with

dinosaurs and dinosaur rights and all the ins and outs dino liberation. Dino liberation. I need her to be just a little bit more gross and like crazy. There needs to be stacks of newspapers in the house. You know, to that point, you need this a little more lived and give me some

moments of their fucking life in the wilderness here. You know, not to, you know, I know the movies is kind of divisive, but like a quiet place, it ruminates before you get to that action. That's fair. And you get to understand at least the dynamics of these characters. Clone

girls just running around. I don't even know. Wait, she's being raised by you. Why don't you fucking show me that? A quiet place is a fucking has immediate urgency to that dynamic where at this point, what the now this video has told us is it's all okay guys we're all do all these fucking dinosaurs living with us humans nothing's going wrong it's all just it's a little annoying it's a little prankish you know it's it's a little say you know a little funny

but it's not like walking outside and you realize like whoops it's raining and i've forgotten umbrella what an annoyance no there's a friggin t-rex walking down the street exactly you remember isn't there like that like creation land park in the south where it's like jesus and a dinosaur to gather yeah yeah there's a couple of us that should have been this movie, right? It's just the Christians now get dinosaurs in their park. Oh, it goes crazy. I was too much to turn

Chris Pratt's character into a Jesus type character. He's just a little bit. He'd love that. Youth preacher. Yeah, for sure. I was in like fucking middle of nowhere, Oklahoma, several years ago and we had to pull the car over because we passed by, it was like a coffee shop that had

a people and dinosaurs living together exhibit like out in front of the store and they were closed but you could just go it was like not fenced off or anything so we're walking around we're taking pictures of it it's like little cave girl riding a huge stegosaurus and you're just like wow people believe this people believe that by the way if you believe that I believe that too I believe whatever you believe and we're all happy and we're all good together okay and you're a genius yeah no I think you might be on to something but we're kind of just you know kicking things around right now trying to figure

out ourselves. It's just a nice thing to look at while you look at while you have your dino dark roast. You're sipping it down and whenever they get to taste. I would eat the fuck out of all of these things. Oh, absolutely. Of course. Like the first week. The first week, like, holy shit, there's dinosaurs. If you panic, I would

like, I'd finally buy a gun. I'd like, I guess I have to because it's fucking dinosaurs. Well, hey, speaking of eating them, I mean, let's let's kill two birds with one stone here, okay? Let's eradicate the dinosaur population. preserve all the meat and then solve world hunting.

Do dry age dino? Totally. You know what? Everybody's going to get tired of like eating jerky for several years but like if we could just fix the hunger crisis. Oh, these compi tacos are fantastic. Well, that's the thing. Oh, is that lime? You're going to have to like, certain

ones are going to be like for the poverty stricken. Like compis are probably very cheap meat. Like first you're going to get like the really, Bezos is going to have like gold flake-based fucking T-Rex like T-Rex steaks that are like

again you're going to get it now this video this is the most expensive dinosaur steak in the entire world because it's made with gold that you can eat because I'm an idiot

like that's what you're going to get first and then you get comp yeah compi I assume Dolphosaurus you can get that pretty cheap that gets in a hamburger maybe you match that up

I would love to be in the writer's room and just be like, nobody cares about clone girl. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you wrote yourself into a corner about clone girl, but maybe she, maybe she's just part of the team and we know she's a clone sometimes and we don't explore it that much. But I think what they're trying to go for here, they don't, and they don't, either go all in a clone girl or go nothing because maybe they're trying to like be like the first movie, which the kid's journey is legitimately interesting. Sure. Scary. You're viewing the movie through their eyes and when I was a kid seeing that. It was.

scary, thrilling, et cetera, but we're not staying with any character, like you said, we have a baseball team to get to you. We do, we'd really do. If we just centered on this family, yes, it would be something, maybe. But she's not even like a point against this, one of the biggest points against the performance, even I would

say, or maybe it could just be the writing. I think she's okay. I mean, it's doing her best. But here's the thing is like, the character can't even be scared. Like, the character cannot even be, like, she knows everything the minute we meet her. And like, even when she's with the Raptor. There's a sense. She's already got it. She's a very special

girl. She can't be like when you're regular dumb kids. This is a special. But this is a British scientist reborn in the soul of a child. But this is a great question though, Eric. And you said it earlier about the fifth grade education, which is a great joke. Chris Pratt's expense. But who's teaching this kid? Like, you know what I mean? It's also Chris Pratt, dude, because there was that scene where they're out by the fire and like he's teaching how to, I don't know, make your own errors. No. What about American history? What about about English? What about fucking math?

Here's the thing, dude, because what should be happening, and it isn't, clearly, is the complete downfall of society. So that stuff, your fucking trigonometry, your biology, doesn't matter. It is survival skills 101. You learn how to make that spear. And to compliment moonfall out of nowhere, that's what would, you're right, the fall of society, people would not be poaching dinosaurs. They would be poaching you as well.

That's a good point. Yeah, for sure. Steve Sadek steak. Sheep meat, dude. Cardell! I'll feed the pigs with the Steve Sadek meat. No, yeah, I was trying to make tripe soup with the Steve Sadek contest in. And this shit, I can't, there's no even chew to it. You got to add the bacon.

It's just, it'll give it flavor. The bacon activates the Steve. So whatever, that's what they're doing. I mean, Ellie Sadler, and it is so emblematic. There's just like almost good scene. The first time we see the locusts, these two kids should kind of get it. When they're running away from the locust, the locus is like, you know, they're hiding in the fucking barn. They capture one.

Ellie Sadler is working in some vague capacity as a good guy. And like, I'm with the good guy agency. Like, oh, right this way, good guy. And they show her. I do research. See, that's the thing is you have no idea what this world is. but it's so emblematic of what's wrong with this movie because she finds a fucking bug and she's like

oh I'm going to take this to the next scene I promise you guys and then she does this thing where she looks to the side and it's a call back to the original movie where she sees the sunglasses and she sees the fucking brontosaurus I yelled out go fuck yourself to the TV when they emulated the shot from the first movie

but it's not just that it's not just ripping it off and like calling it back it's just so perfect because she takes her sunglasses and what she looks at is nothing there's nothing on the screen He's like, oh, my God, it's a fucking cornfield. And I'm like, awesome. Like, wow, I'm filled with awe right now.

It's like the first time she did it, she was looking at a dinosaur for the first time. This time, she's just looking at a cornfield that's had some bug problems. And we, the audience were looking at a dinosaur for the first time. And it's like, oh, wow, look at these special effects. We're all taking our sunglasses off. And now we're looking at absolutely nothing. And something that's important to the story, but not important to anybody who watched this,

is Biosyn, Campbell Scott's company. is the only company that has the right to breed and create dinosaurs and house them and collect them. They are the only ones who are allowed to do this and they are now also in the seed business. And that's a little... What's amazing to me about this business is they essentially tell you everything that's happening right up front

and then they keep acting like this is a mystery. Yes, yes, exactly. And I'm like, oh, who... Why would they do such a thing? They're not eating... They're only eating the not... non-bios and stuff? What could be happening?

Capitalism. Maybe. Jurassic world. This is like a Monsanto type of thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we're addressing. But like it's dinosaurs.

In the stupidest, most non-exciting way you can imagine. The thing about just, you know, it's a new year. I'm trying to be a lighthearted, older guy. Sure. I mean, Steve, you already sort of mentioned it. The kids in the barn. If this was another movie, if it was like, like some Day of the Locust motion picture.

Really solid scene here. As it is, I'm watching this going, are dinosaur going to eat these bugs? Dude, the Day of the Locust, Michael Bean is the sheriff saying what's going on with these locust? Yep. It's direct to streaming and I am watching it. Hell yeah. It would be different from the classical day of the locust, which is a little different.

Not exactly that kind of book or movie. Straight D-level sci-fi is what I'm. there is actually a really good I think like two years ago came out called the Swarm it's a French movie that is kind about like that oh is that right pretty good pretty good little movie if you're looking for it I was surprised to see Campbell Scott in this you know

I thought he was living a secret life as a dentist oh man him and Hope Davis they're having a good time together out there him as Dodgson yeah I mean talk about talk about look it's dodgson see no one cares yes Wayne Knight was

30 years ahead of his time saying that line. And you're like, all right, it's dodged. And that's for like folks our age, I guess that you know, watch out. You really grew up on the movies like, oh, it's a fucking total throwback character that hasn't been seen in five movies.

But also, Andrew, is it is it kind of funny that guys like Tim Cook and Elon Musk are also always dodging the law and dodging things like dodging morals. Dodging morals. it's always it is always

the billionaire bashing in these movies are always so toothless and such more shit yeah you know what I mean like because like if you really wanted to do it up yes you would show Campbell Scott at the end of this movie getting the spectacular death that they like

tease you with just three De Lafasaurus eating this dude at the same time show me that also don't change the ending of the here's the other thing Steven Spielberg don't change the ending of the fucking book in your first movie have John Hammond get murdered if you're so anti-billionaire being stupid throwing money

they never stopped and thought if they should all that stuff kill these people then because that's what we should be safely thinking about doing to their bank accounts killing their bank accounts. Make this guy a bigger villain. You know, like make him like a Mason Virger, you know, maybe he's the guy

that's declawed one and took the teeth out Oh well, hello everyone. Welcome to my wife, Denise, over here. I know, honey. I told you I'd be working late tonight. Yes, everyone, I'm fucking it. Before you ask, yes, I'm fucking it. It's kind of like a special

chair it ties into for the fucking. For the fucking, for sure. Make sure the bolt is inside the things that are pulling my beloved back from eating everybody. But like, all he does at the end of the movie or the middle

to the end of the movie is sort of vaguely throw dinosaurs at the heroes like sort of like oh let's take down the security for this pen and let's take the security for that pen like okay sure and then he just has a little petulant piss boy freak out in the control room where Campbell Scott is punching that chair

it is kind of the funniest part of the movie it's it's I see what they're going for but like a mild mannered villain doesn't work no it doesn't he is this movie and especially this movie could use a big performance because also you know we get to we finally get to Alan Grant Ellie goes to Alan. It's like, hey, Alan, do you want to help me in the good guy agency for the good guy fight against the bad guys? And he's like, absolutely. Because, dude, I am a world renowned paleontologist. I've had two separate Jurassic Park adventures at this point. And I have to, like, sell tourist tickets to fund my digs in the Utah desert. This dude is at the end of his rope, man. I think if Ellie Sadler doesn't come to his tent this fine day, that dude's hanging himself in the in the night, dude. As soon as he's, he's, he's, he's, in the night, dude. As soon as he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's in the night, dude. As soon as soon as he's,

the sun goes down. It's supposed to be a hit against the youth of America when these kids are like, well, like, yeah. I'm not interested in the bones of dinosaurs. I live with fucking dinosaurs. I'm like, yeah, she's right. Yeah. That's not a like legitimate Gen Z criticism or whatever. Of course. Of course.

A dinosaur ate my dad. I want to see the bones of one from fucking 20 billion years ago. I didn't give a shit. Oh, these were buried? Oh my God. But why this movie needs a big swing from an actor is because him, Sam Neal, Laura Dern, and Goldblum are all given 24%. Total tops. I've seen Goldblum give a shit more about those Apartments.com commercials. He's having more fun and has more agency as an actor in those Apartments.com. He has more fun and agency as an actor playing the wacky scientist in previous.

episode Cats and Dogs. Yes. Any, you name it. And the little speech he gives when we first meet him. Oh, his lecture. It's just nothing. He's giving no energy whatsoever. And then he kind of picks up when he's got to talk with Laura Dern because it's Laura

fucking Dern. But like, when it's just him, you can just tell he's gone. He's not there. All three are great actors and they're not bad in this movie. You can just tell they don't give a shit, which is hilarious because this, the IMDB trivia is totally besieged with Instagram nonsense. of like, did you know on the set

Jeff Goldblum on his Instagram posted a picture like the family is back together? Did you know that on the set? Everyone was so excited about everyone getting back together. Nobody cared. Like everyone, it was a paycheck, which is fine because it's a bad movie.

But I mean like it just there it makes this movie, if that's what I'm here for, then I didn't get it. Yep. Well, you know, to compliment this movie, Sam Neal looks hot as fuck. He's aging nicely. A million bucks.

I mean, so's Jeff Goldblum. And so's Lord. They all look exquisite. No, but this silver beard is really doing it. It was like seeing the shiny penny or something. He's like, whoa. He looks great. Yum, dude.

I'd pick him off off the ground. There was a, of course, your standard like, oh, Lori Dern, how's it going? Oh, my kids are all grown and out of the house. By the way, I'm divorced. And it's like you can, you can hear Dr. Allen Grant's penis rushing with blood. Oh, you're divorced. are you? I'll come on this fucking bug adventure. What was that noise? Nothing.

It's no, I'll tell you what that noise is. That noise is the Jurassic Park theme song when it's like as it gets harder and harder. Speaking of which I'm stunned that by this indeed sixth Jurassic

whatever franchise movie no one has had a cell phone ring with the John Williams song. Yeah, that's It's stunning that the franchise has not internally been like, our theme is the theme in the world of the film. So I guess that's saying a nice thing about trying as best you can. They're going to go and be good guys and investigate Biosin. And meanwhile, yeah, Clone Girl is acting up.

It's kind of amazing because she's like, you're not my real mother. And it's like, yeah, but like what, I don't know, what else you got, kid? Yeah, you have absolutely no one because I think, I don't remember if he just like dies naturally? Or does he get eaten? Does Crommel get eaten at the end of that movie? Somebody. Thank you. Because Levine definitely gets eaten. I think he, it's like you cut away before you see what

happens. Well, you know, just listen to our previous episodes. I was actually discussed that. I was not going to watch Jurassic World's Fallen Kingdom for a second time. I've only watched any of these. The last Jurassic Park movie I saw in theaters was Lost World and that was totally fine by me. Wow. I did see Jurassic World

in theaters and that's it. I went to the Zigfeld and unfortunately I had to see it in 3D is the only way they were showing it and that shows you the that shows you those fucking the the half life of avatar avatar one comes out all then all the way over here at Jurassic World you have to watch that in 3D too yeah so you got to see uh Jimmy Fallon do his cab TV shit in 3D in the little roly ball holy fuck my god I forgot about that my lord that would be great is if like then I got a cab and I had to go through the experience it's again. Dude, it's just Jimmy

Fowell, like, you know, it's this movie now dress, dinosaurs are everywhere. It's Jimmy Fallon, he's doing his really boring monologue and a fucking raptor just gets him. Yeah. I'll let you know that this shit's getting real. Well, I thought you were going to say, finally a dinosaur gets a late-night TV show before

a woman does. Like, just a dinosaur, like, late night with David Lederasaurus. It would be a lady dinosaur, as we know, they're all ladies, so there you go. There you go. Two ceilings broken. There you go. Just shattered.

Shattered like the ceiling of the Jurassic Park Visitors Center. And I don't know if you know, but that dinosaur, she's bisexual. We'll never talk about it in any other way, shape, or form. But if you look on the, if you look on the internet on that character's bio, she's bisexual. There you go. That probably makes all the wrong people mad, doesn't it? That's what they call a trifecta, baby. But it would be interesting to see what is going on in Rockefeller Center or New York at all.

Like, what is, are we keep, is there, are there guards, like machine guns and walls keeping dinosaurs out of cities? Probably. What is it happening? Show me the world. Places like, you know, the island of Manhattan, you know, is that now some, like, escape from New York thing where there's, like, barrier walls up. So the dinosaurs. They cannot do that because then everybody would be like, why am I not watching that movie? Precisely.

I mean, that's why, I mean, the biggest failure of speaking of lost world is how they tease you. They just, like, fucking tickle your taint in the last. like few minutes of that movie with the dinosaur going through San Diego like that's the movie that is the movie if there was a wall around containment wall like escape from New York around Manhattan trying to protect it and then suddenly like raptors somehow get into the subway system and that is the movie yes and that is the movie it's a great movie I would watch the fucking shit out of that movie exactly it's exciting it's something I will say the one thing

about this movie uh at least sort of visually that I appreciate is kind of something we talked about our Friday the 13th idea. You know what? We haven't seen dinosaurs and snow. That's kind of cool. I was like, you know what? That's something. Dinosaurs and snow is something to look at.

It's interesting. I found that whole scene where they get the, Chris Pratt and the like parks rangers or something. They get the dinosaur and then they actually do hand it over to the poachers. No, they hand it over to. What are we told? Delicourt. do they hand it over to him they don't know he's crooked no they do like there's a there's a showdown maybe this was in the extended version okay i don't know oh shits uh because the one that the chris pratt

wrangles the one he wrangles yeah like there's a stop they're they're going back and the poach delacourt and his gang yeah find them and there's a very clear shot of the guy who turns out to be the informant the fbi guy okay uh and he's like uh actually uh we're going to be taking that dinosaur from you. Oh, that's not the movie. Yeah, there's a showdown between the poachers. This is how they introduced Delacourt in the extended version. Oh, no. He takes that dinosaur from him.

And, like, I was like, oh, there's going to be a showdown because he would not allow that to happen. And then the whole thing is Chris Pratt's like, I got a family now. Fuck this dinosaur. Oh, really? Like he lets him take it. No, that's interesting because he has in the theatrical cut, he's got a throwaway line after those

same poachers kidnapped Maisie, aka clone girl. Chris Pratt runs back to the house and tells Claire, Bryce Dallas Howard, like what went down and he says it was that poacher that I've seen around and I think he followed me back here. That's all that's all he says. You get a bit with Delacorp, yeah, in this version.

That guy doesn't say shit in this cut, really. Yeah, they kidnap, first of all, Blue and her child are living like into the wild at a school bus. Yes, very. McCanness style. And Blue and Beta Because the more we're given these things names The more they're cute

But Beta gets kidnapped Blue's upset about it I love Macy getting kidnapped And that photo just throws her bike off the bridge Dude the bike off the bridge Is hysterical Not gonna eat this anymore, little girl They kidnapped

Oh no, but that was a clone of me mom's bike It grew in the other bike's belly I can only It's sad I can only wear clone clothes Clothes my mother was wearing But also cloned from them But also she's in a human monster

Too because she was just Put her down dude Crafted to be a You know Because the woman had a disease Genetic disorder yeah So what are we doing We're just doing eugenics

And we're clapping We're totally cool with it She carried her own clone That's the She carried her own clone She rejiggered its DNA so that this pathogen could go through and wipe out the genetic disorder,

but it's also couched in because I think it's fucking woo who's like, well, you know, your mother always wanted a child. Like, get that shit punted out of this dinosaur movie. Clone girl and beta are there, we're acting like it's immaculate conception. Like this is the next god.

Because it's woo again, dude. It's like, we've used a whatever lizard, monitor lizard or whatever it's called. to fill the missing sequences of the DNA. And as you know, Clone Girl monitor lizards can reproduce asexually. Yeah, but you know what? That happened fucking five movies ago.

Why should not do that? I honestly thought Clone Girl was going to be part 9o or something. That would be cool. That's like 1%. I was so certain that's where we were going with it and that that was like going to be the next like horizon is what I'm going. Suddenly she's got like two eyelids or something like that. Or it was just a fucking raptor jump.

She's like, oh no. All things are. We're all screwed, Maisie. No, we're not. Raptor jump. And then she like bites someone's throat. Wasn't that some crazy like Crichton thing? Like it was an idea he had ages ago that was like a...

He wanted to be in one of the sequels. There would be a human... Like dino human hybrids as like soldier programs. Which I thought they were sort of going to do with that Vincent Denefrio shit in that last movie. Where Wu is twirling that mustache selling Vinnie D. Those dynos. He is so... evil in that movie and so tired

in this one. It's just like he's like wear to sweater his hair is long and you need to like your prologue is Wu because I need to see what happened to turn him you know to want this like redemption because as it is yeah he's introduced

you know it's BD Wong he's fucking great but like whenever it is he's introduced him in the movie he's like got his head down on the desk he's gone he wants a nap he's done with this silent study hall for BD Wong I mean, that's the weird thing about when we get to the videos of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, what is going on here is, like, what is going on here is, like, by any standards, just, like, abhorrent morally and then on other situation. She's treated like she's treated like she's the angel of God.

Yes, exactly. And that she's doing all the right things by doing this. And I'm like, this is very weird. And I don't want to be hearing about it, especially in the, the dinosaurs are supposed to eat people. movie. You've got to put two in the chest, one in the head. Exactly. These things aren't real.

I'm sorry, clone girl. You have to be sentenced to death because you're an abomination against my God that I don't even believe it anymore. That would be fantastic. It's exactly how I feel, Steve. So now, welcome to Jurassic World, the Malta Affair, which is a sequel that I didn't care about. Yeah, of course, this had to be a Jason Bourne movie.

Just have to go globe trotting with the dinosaurs. That's the thing is we are trying to do too much. if it was if this movie half of it took place in malta better movie because you're it's like at like jason born meets dinosaurs which is it's kind of something but like i'm sick and tired like this movie specifically is one of the most degrees of examples i can think of in a while where you're watching a movie that's like paint swatches yes and it's like you could have this movie you could have this movie you could have that movie well friggin pick one it's so much of this movie is like uh little uh note cards on a whiteboard, like, with, is this something written on top of it? Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah, exactly. Raptor car chase. Is this something?

Yeah, that they put it in the movie. I don't care. Cowboy dinosaurs? Anything? Dinosaur hit by car. That one I actually like. That's pretty funny. Sounds good. Does that fucking Raptor just get sideswiped or whatever this thing is?

And the rest of the movie is his journey to recovery, you know? Here's the other thing. You just reminded me of a thought I had last night, too. because dinosaurs are now just this ubiquitous problem around the world and it's not like there's just a few that we have in cages and they're expensive to make and blah blah right if they're so all over the place why can we not see some real deal hilarious deaths with these things

like why is it a lot of you know instead of in you know a chase sequence that happens in this Malta sequence we're talking about there's a part where like Bryce Dallas Howard turns a pole sideways and just kind of close lines one. Yes, which is great. I mean, it's great, but there's a million of these dinosaurs all over the world now. Decapitated. Throw it like a spear through its throat,

cut its head off. Yes. Shoot this. Why are we not shooting these things with guns? Death, death, the death can only be for like the most evil people on Earth. Yes. Nothing else can, even like these monstrosities cannot, because they're cute. We like blue. We like beta. We like

that. We're not going to do that. They don't know what they're doing. Yeah, it's fine. But like, I'm sorry, it ain't your mother. We didn't know what we were doing. Tim Cookie and fucking, uh, uh, Delacourt. They can get eaten by, like, of dinosaurs and die because they're the most evil people on this planet. How have we not in all the ways that like our society like pop culture wise has has escalated and, you know, things are a lot more like fun and fancy free with what we're showing and everything. How is it that we have not top 1997s the chiffing?

Yeah. Like, how is there not? And a more brutal dinosaur death in these dumbest donkey dick movies. Yes. I should say dino dick. Since 1997, the shiffening is the gold standard. And look at that. And that was a, they built it up and paid it off.

We actually, that was a character. And we can't have characters in this movie. Well, because the first trilogy, even all three of them, I would say, they are not trying to be kids movies. Yes. There is elements that kids are going to be, want to see, like, are going to be appetized. by, but they're not made for children. These, because they have the animals in it, it's made specifically for children.

It's the first trilogy, they're monsters. Yeah, this trilogy, they're animals. Yes. And it makes a big difference tonally and content-wise. And it's a stupid, gross money decision. You're right, Chris, we used to make hard PG-13 movies that we knew kids would like. Yes, sir.

And know that, like, yeah, it's probably too much for them, but that's on the parents. If they want them to see it, da-da-da-da-da. Right. but at least everyone's here for a hard PG-13. Now, because we know that six-year-olds are going to watch this, well, is it going to scare a little six-year-old? I don't know, dude, it's a fucking PG-13 movie.

So, yeah, you don't have a raptor eating ahead of a person, but you will see something like when the big monster water thing pulls the thing under. And clearly everybody on that boat is gone. Yes, forever. And there's just no arguing that. But you're not going to see that. You're only going to see the intimation.

It's far away. It's CGI. The camera's somehow squinting at it. It's always an event. Camera's like, what's going on out there? What's happening? And that, man, that is, I mean, I guess it's just like my pension for being like creeped out by underwater stuff.

But like if you had a whole movie where it's just set in like a seaside town and jaws with dinosaurs and it's like the fishing community is being destroyed by this. huge monster like hey that's all I need man I don't need maybe not even a whole movie but like if there's just like a bit like Jurassic World fallen like dinosaurs are around as the movie would be called

it's an anthology movie with these dinosaurs like three to four stories one is your New York story Eric one is this perfect storm with dinosaurs you know what I mean like I just these are good ideas because what we get is just a bunch of nothing Justice Winslow is a CIA agent now

in two and a half half days, by the way. It's like, Justice Smith, Smith, sorry, Justice Smith, Justice Smith was a basketball player. Justice Smith is a, it's its first week of the CIA and he tells them that they're going to Malta.

They go to Malta. I'm sorry, it's something with the extended cut that I was curious about. So when Justice Smith is telling Claire and Owen about Omar Sy's character, Omar Sy was a, because no one's going to remember this, was a dinosaur trainer with Chris Pratt on Jurassic World, right?

so Justice Smith pulls up a folder and he's like all of these people that used to work for Jurassic World are now working for the CIA helping take down these kind of like wet shops and whatever and they have Jake Johnson and Lauren Lapkis

in that cut do you see any of them it's insane it's insane that they even bothered to acknowledge those two apparently Jake Johnson was supposed to be in the movie but there was a COVID thing and he couldn't do it is that right I would have been way I mean I love Omar Sye, but Jake Johnson's one of the best parts of that first movie.

And Lapkis, too. And it's also, you know what? You wish, of all the things I want in my Jurassic Park movie, more CIA. Definitely towards the top is what I'm looking for. That's what I want to happen in it, not fucking animals eating people. Yeah, so

Omar Sai is Dino detectives. They go to Maltz and they meet him like, oh, hey, remember the first movie, like nobody does. We also meet, this is when we meet Kayla, who is the our Han Solo-esque bisexual pilot. Very Han Solo.

Yes. Totally. And she is kind of great. A bucket of bolts. I think if she even says that. Oh, really? I don't know.

She might actually say that. She gets this, it's this thing where like she's totally cool trafficking dinosaurs, but then like, oh, and there's also a little girl.

I'm like, shit, am I human trafficking now? And it's kind of a great light today. Oh, I'm going to have to go home and drink away that memory. I did make that stop,

but Inslar little St. James. It's just, yeah, she's, like, totally cool. And I'm cool with her, too. Like, hey, man, traffic is many done as you want. Yep. Also, the prices seem a little off to me is like 50,000 for a Raptor. That seems really cheap.

Yeah. 50K for a rath. So many of them. No, I think she gets 50K for the flight. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But even then that's definitely cheap. I would, you know, break all these laws, you know?

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I guess, I think you're supposed to glean that, like, this is a real robust enterprise. She'd do it like two or three times a week. Precisely. The movie also does a weird little thing here where it's just like, yeah, it's the black markets in Malta, you know, the mouth to the Arab world and the Asian world or whatever.

They definitely like pepper. That's like, who knows what's going on here. I'm paraphrasing, but that's basically what it's doing. And once again, here's a movie. Like, if it's like Paul Rubin's a Johnny Deppin Blow, but with diet. dinosaurs. This is much more what I'm looking at American, that Tom Cruise movie that nobody saw. American made. Yeah, that shit. But with dinosaurs, that's a, like, there's some oil that's really good that you can only get from a fucking who cares asaurus. The prostate

of a fucking whatever. Yeah. Or maybe it's a thing where it's like, it's not oil, but speaking on the blow angle, it's like, if you, if you get something out of the prostate of this, who cares a source. It's the greatest high. Oh, yeah. And you can O.D. from it. It's the perfect drug. Oh, yeah.

The, so, yeah, the dino asshole drug is much like the whale brain juice from Avatar 2. Yep. There is something. It creates immortality. And if we're geared into a drug running movie, you could use that song Black Betty. That would be great. Oh, hell, yeah. I'm just imagining that part in Scarface all the money is, is like, changing it to the limit.

There's a bunch of dinosaurs in cages getting decapitated. Take the T-Rex to the market. We're going to push it. This whole operation seems to be led by character actress Dikin Lachman, who I like, she's been in a bunch of stuff, as

Soyana Santos, who is this kidnapping facilitator. She's in this movie for nine minutes and it's like, yep, does she, you think she's coming back. She seems like the number two henchmen that's going to be under... She's positioned as the villain right under Campbell's God. You have a big death, maybe a big fight with Owen or whoever at the towards the end of the film.

How about no? How about none of that? How about you don't get any of that? How about none of it? At that point, Alan Grant should have seduced her. Just to get Laura Dern jealous. Oh, yeah. Just to give a little thought there.

You can see the fireworks between these? Well, L.A., the only way we're going to find out about that embryo is if I take off my hat to show her my silver beard. you son of a bitch it glimmers in the sunlight yeah I know it does and he's making love and he's like slowly dusting her clip

uncovering new objects what's under this button here no no no baby I've only done this with you nobody else is this is the first time I'm doing this now I'm plowing you right now

looking me right in the eyes you're looking me right in the eyes as I plow you but uh oh the two fingers you didn't know we're coming for you are right in your bum they're right in your bum right now claw on your butt

he does reproduce a convo about how Raptors kill you and at that point in the movie it is like six days too late yep too little too late man the thing with Dyken Lockman's character

like yeah if you're not going to bring her back if she's not just going to like appear at the Biosyn facility at some point. Give her a horrendous death. It's a clear cut mustache twirling villain. If she deserves it. If not, save your money and just give

like Campbell Scott a scar across the eye and you know what? He's got twin. He's got a twin and you know what? It's very easy and you got star power there. Like I just don't understand like she's in this for one stunt fight it seems like

that she helps sell like yeah. She has a Jason born fight with Bryce Dallas Howard in some poor Maltese person's apartment or something. Because it just the sequence just goes on like they she has a trossa raptors is that what it? They are atrosa

that's awesome. Is that a somebody who's listening to this is we got four people in a room with being well if this is a real thing I want to know about it but if it is not it is perhaps the stupidest naming of a thing I have ever

heard. Well, couldn't it also be the stupidest naming of a thing if it is real? No, there is. Alright, so the Atroceraptor is, meaning savage thief, it's a blah, blah, blah, it's a version. When you're not on Jurassic World Dominion fan wiki. No, no, I'm looking at actual... So it's a dinosaur that is the only one that does genocide. Yes, exactly.

Savage thief. Does it like, is it Ocean's 11, but dinosaurs? Robben a casino. Isn't the killing... I'm going to need 12 dinners. Isn't the killing more important than the thieving? I guess, yeah, I'm going to try.

Yeah, it's the only one that's cool with the Rwanda, I suppose. The Etrosaraptor. They love it. Jesus. Yeah, I don't see what the big deal was. Everybody knows about it. She also, these atroceraptors are trained to attack people that she puts lasers on. What are they, a fucking cat? It's a fucking kitten or something?

It's, you know. Dinosaurus, dude. And they, they let loose these things on this fucking, again, very Star Warsian. Noid Holbrook? The market. Oh, the market. The market where everyone's around. Dude, so many crispy critters on little like barbecue spits right here.

This is where people go to fuck dinosaurs. For sure. Yep. Yes. There is $1,200, I would like to fuck the dinosaur. Would you do that? Oh, yeah. $1,200?

No, no. Well, that's, I mean, $1,200. Well, you just said $1,200. Yeah, $1,200. I fuck the dinosaur. That's about 1,200 U.S. What you need is clearly the taken movie where you took my raptor.

And then you put him on the market. The Saudis want to buy your raptor for buying out number seven. And then like the fucking curtain opens and it's just an atrasser raptor. Buy her. Buy her. Yes, number seven.

Thank you. Atross is a raptor who's clearly been given heroin. So it's kind of like, it's just kind of. waving back and forth. Just like... Shrug out a truss around. Hey.

Otherwise, they do not take to this. Otherwise, you know, you have to force them a little bit. Are you my dad? Yes, you will be my... I would be your father soon. Dude, Liam Neeson dinosaur franchise and it's called Eaton. Oh, yes. Definitely.

Come on. Fuck yet. Absolutely. The man is about to remake the naked gun. You know he's going to do it. Oh, I forgot that's coming. Kim, Kimmy, you're about to be eaten. leave some bloody evidence do these dinosaurs have any tattoos

you can call out oh man Albanian dinosaurs I think well there's definitely some Albanians here buying stuff to bring back to the motherland so we get one guy gets bitten here and then the camera immediately cut like get the hell away from that don't look

at that anymore think about the first movie when the fucking when Gennaro the lawyer gets he gets bitten in half by a fucking T-Rex and you see it I mean it's dark you know what I mean like you can it's rainy the most exciting part of this sequence is some guy trips

over a barbecue grill and gets set on fire and then he's walking around on fire and that is the best part of your dinosaur because there's fire and fire is real it doesn't look like digital fire on them it looks like a stunt it looks like a real stuff and I'm glad that they were you know had the foresight to acknowledge yes we would

be gambling on dinosaur The dinosaur cockfight, I was like, that's a movie I'd watch. That maybe the only time I laughed was the, when the little thing just bites the things head off. Oh, yes. I was like, that's funny. Nice, nice work. Delacourt does. He gets one dino on one arm, one dino on the other, and then finally something gets him.

There is also on the whiteboard of things, is this something, which is the stupidest part of the movie? To me, is dinosaur shining homage when they're in the, it's, it's, uh, what do you call it there? Claire and the blonde lady are fighting and they're in that sexy apartment or that ramshackle apartment. And they're hiding in a bath. They're hiding in a bathroom and a velocar, an atroceraptor punches through his head through the door. And he's like, I'm Jack Nicholson.

Here's Johnny. Stanley Kubrick was a genius. Here's Rapti. Ooh, raptie. Yeah, we got to give him names, right? He's rapt. I'm going to try to get this axe. working here.

You know, I came into this haunted hotel wanting to make this thing work, but now all these things are pulling me in different directions. And Lloyd's the only way I can have a drink is if I kill my family. I'm going through this maze. Bluey! A dinosaur drink. It's like, yes, I know you want

to take a sip of that delicious algae, don't you? Well, Rapty, you've always been here. What? Oh, did you see those two compies? We corrected them last week. You need to correct them as well. Then he said something really weird.

No, then he used a dino slur in that bad thing. It really made me uncomfortable. Claire's got to fucking pull a drugged out Raptor into the meat closet. Yep. Now, Rapti, if I let you out, will you finish what you started? Yeah. He's out bombing the universe

In the games room I'm not making any traction On my novel Look I don't know I trust the Raptor to do the work I don't know I think we hire the Raptor To look after the hotel

I think we really got something here Yeah then the snow cats An actual snow cat We don't even need the snow cat He'll just run out there It's fine A dinosaur in a maze Would be more interesting

The dinosaur everywhere Oh yeah I mean, that's, I mean, we were like, it is, it does, few films feel this the way that Colin Trevor was just like, let's try to try every big blockbuster of the last fucking two decades and add a little Jurassic Park to it. We got some Mission Impossible rooftop chases right here. Oh man, the rooftop chase. I, I barked in my house with this happened. Just like, what? Like a dog? Yes. That literally could not believe it. Yeah, we do that. Then we, again, this thing. like Kayla who is not a character like she sees the girl she's like oh that sucks goes to get a drink

and then like she meets Bryce Dallas Howard is looking for a daughter so like she's like I'm gonna help you okay I kind of sort of get it but this like bucket of bolts thing and like Owen Grady's got to make the jump it's a Star Wars shot it's totally it's Star Wars of Dinosaurs

and like it's not cool like in these movies when you are making dinosaur movies like this everything you're put in this movie you got to be running one test by yourself. Is this appropriate for a dinosaur movie? Yes. Are any dinosaurs involved in like this runway thing? No, like that's the thing. If you want to do

this, those dinosaurs have to be hot on his tail. Oh, they are. Are they there? They are. And then the motorcycle remember the raptor jumps on and the motorcycle gets the raptor. Yeah, that's at least kind of something because that raptor does fall in the water, which is pretty great. But it does feel a little too Star Wars. Speaking of Star Wars

and dinosaurs, I'm excited for that Adam Driver movie. Did you see the trailer? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Adam Driver dinosaur hunter? Adam Driver in trash is something I am very interested in. Yes. That's him doing trash sounds good to me. And it seems to be like knowing it's trash and that's fine.

I mean, if it's fun, if it's contained. It's him and like someone and it's not like a thousand, you know, this past of hundreds. Yeah. And it's not a legacy property. You have to like bring everything back. If you want to make a dinosaur movie, make a fucking dinosaur movie. You don't have to keep rehashing Jurassic Park. It's the ideal situation with Adam Driver. You get these shitty like one hitters that actually might be fun once you get in the theater with

them and then you get your like the Ferrari is finally going to come out and all those the good stuff that's going to actually like a net actual weird stuff it's just refreshing to watch that trailer and I'm like that looks like fun garbage and I'm I'm thankful you're in at Adam driver and there's no banner that says it's set in the world of a movie you like 30 years ago precisely yep so they finally get to BIOS and meanwhile and this is kind of what it almost starts to feel like a Jurassic Park movie about an hour in is when Laura Dern and Samuel get Tobias in and it's like oh what's going on here

the secret island where nobody knows what's actually happening it's like very you get the very low key low energy Ian Malcolm giving this speech it's so because it's again like it's supposed to be reminiscent of the uh now you're trying to sell it

uh uh like those great monologues Goldblum has and Goldblum has the ability to do them he just doesn't give shit and the script isn't good. The check wasn't that much for me to really put it into overdrive. I had to listen to Chris Pratt talk.

It's a problem for me. But folks, we lack dominion. Oh, he said it. He said it. Bum, bum, bum. Let me tell you this, though, about Goldblum in this movie.

Yep, real low energy. The check wasn't high enough for him to turn it on. Totally fine. At least it is not like that last movie where, because no one remembers, I will remind you. Please, thank you. When they cut the trailer,

they made it look like Jeff Goldblum was in that movie. And Ian Malcolm just bookends it with some congressional testimony that no one could give a flying shit about. You're 100% right. I totally even forgot he was in it. But now I remember this. I don't even know if he stands in the movie. I think he's giving seated testimony.

I mean, like we were just, I mean, until, like, last night, it was looking like a T-Rex might have been the speaker of the house. A T-Rex might have gotten more votes than Kevin McCarthy. It was right there for a little bit. Couldn't do worse, man.

And Matt Gates was definitely for the T-Rex. Oh, for sure. It looks like a dinosaur. Yeah, he did fucking sex traffic at T-Rex. Don't worry about it. Oh, we get to eat live goats. Sounds great, boss. But so now we're on this island,

and we meet this character, Ramsey, who is one character, too many. But the three characters ago He's good He's good Of course you It's another saying A nice thing

I think this guy Is doing a good job In this movie But this movie Does not have time For this too It doesn't Because he's Campbell Scott's

Number 2 That has a heart of gold That he's secretly A good guy And all this stuff Is a good movie If this movie Only takes place at bios

Yes That's the thing Is there's so many things You could do Make him the movie Make him start the movie And he's feeding Information to Laura Dernan's shit

Exactly And just start that shit earlier You have to cut Malta entirely out of it. You know what I mean? Like that's, if it were just because once we get to buy us it, it's sort of like, oh, it's a contained environment. There's dinosaurs. They think they have them under control. I know

better than that. Oh, it's Jurassic Park. And honestly, this locust plot is not exciting. No. It's not that interesting. You know how. You know how we know it's not good. It's because we've barely been talking about it. We're an hour into this fucking thing. And we talked about it twice. And it's the main fucking point of it. These swarms of shit

that are fucking shit up. The whole idea that, you know, we sometimes see with screenwriting where it's like withholding information is sort of misinterpreted as a twist of some kind. So like the way that they set this all up is you, for most of the movie, you are under the impression that it's Jeff Goldblum who's like discovered what, you know, Dodgson is on about and, you know, because he does invite Laura Dern to come. he gives Laura Dern his like security bracelet so they can they need to get like a DNA sample of one of these bugs so she can yada yada whatever he's he's dodging his responsibility but what the movie tells you at the end

and it doesn't matter at that point is it's actually this dude Ramsey yes that got hip to everything and he's the one that told Jeff Goldblum and I'm like you need to tell us that it's not a twist nobody gives a shit it would have been useful information you know that you told me yesterday you know what I mean like but again it's he's one of nine people that survive this

incident so like there's just way too many characters for me to care about and I and then I wind up caring about nothing and that's not where you want to be I feel like they tested this with like two or three deaths in it and then all the cards were well I kind of like that guy yeah yeah well I kind of

like that yeah you know what make the movie about him and corporate espionage kill Owen Grady and Claire in the first five minutes They get Raptor Shining. They're just like, oh, man, everything's fine. And blue comes to the fucking door. Because nothing can exciting, nothing can happen to those characters.

They're always going to get out of every scrape and they're not, I don't even think they have that great chemistry to get. They don't. They're really, they're wooden. I mean, but you know what? You just hit the nail on the fucking head because that's the problem with these legacy sequels and that's why there's nine people, et cetera, et cetera, because you have to, it's the, well, we had all the, we had three movies with these people and now we

have three movies with these other people and now, but they're all on this untouchable list because heaven the fuck forbid any character die ever. But this is what is so funny, though. Surprise us. This is what is so funny to me as like, you know, thinking about like the mindset of people making this movie, right? They were like, oh man, we couldn't possibly kill off Owen Grady. What a beloved character. The audacity to think that any audience member thinks that any of those Jurassic World characters have the cachet as the Jurassic Park characters, eat my shit. I don't know anything about them after three movies. I don't. I don't like at the very least like Alan Grand and Ellie Sadler had a relationship and the idea in that first movie is like they don't

want kids. That's a human problem that I can understand and be like oh I understand he's coming from. I understand she's coming from. Those are two different ideas. Nothing ever happens. They kind of have a Sam and Diane thing in the first movie if I remember properly. And that's the only thing like sexy flirty. That was better. But it's the only thing that carries is Bryce's character because she starts in this trilogy as like she's the suit. She's, you know,

the Biosyn representative and blah, blah, blah. And Chris Pratt is the guy who comes in as the Alan Grant and Ian Malcolm combined being like, this is a ridiculous idea. You can't do this again. And then like they change her over the course of these movies into like fuck Biosin and

yada yada, okay, but I prefer her behind the camera. She's a great director. She's a great director. I mean, I have to, I really want to touch on what Eric was talking about with the difference between the weight of these three leads as compared. Because the problem is, is that someone like Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, both, I mean, Bryce Dallas Howard had more chances to do something quote unquote serious or adult like.

Chris Pratt was given guardians and just kept on doing like. Sam Neal, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern have all done adult movies that I could have liked as a teen and now without having to skip a beat. Smooth talk would have made just as much sense to me back then than it would now. The same thing with possession. I mean,

there's a bunch I could go on. Chris Pratt has not made a movie I love. And I'm not sure if he ever is going to do that. Well, the Mario movie's coming up. Well, of course. I don't even look, maybe on that. They're not even given a chance. Exactly.

There's no chance for these performances to do anything with each other because we're cutting to the next thing instantly. We're always getting to the next thing because these are giant action movies. These aren't what the first movie was was like that monster movie you were. And here's

Kayla and here's Ramsett. Here's Clone Girl. And all these people have to survive it. Yeah, BD. Wong could get on the plate. You're like, no, he can't. Instead of learning about any of that, give me them, show me their relationship. Anything. Anything. Yeah, Clone Girl is watching

videos of her fucking dead mother. Question about these videos. Because this was pretty stunning to me. You got timestamp on this fucking thing? 186 we were cloning these dinosaurs well I guess that makes sense because it just sort of like you realize that Jurassic the science in Jurassic Park must have happened for a while

you figure that's 93 you're not you're not just getting the fucking mosquito and just do it in a day I guess it took a while I was just it was a really odd thing for me to look at that I was like wait what you did this and she's like petting this again a Dorbs little IRL puppet you know what I mean they're fucking manipulate your ass Well, I mean, that would be funny if it was like a demented, like thing because like, it is the first try.

If it didn't really work out. Kill me. You don't want the prequel where Ben Wischaw is like researching and writing several long papers. They're going to be in a journal. But the weird thing is like, so even like there's a scene between Campbell Scott and Beattie Wong and like he's like, you know, you're my guy, Beattie Wong. You're the brains of this whole operation. And yeah, that locust thing didn't work out. I'm like, what was the idea to begin with?

We're going to make these nightmare locust creatures to destroy the world's food supply and then we control it, which is actually happening. And he's like, ah, shit, that didn't work out. Like, no, it's working out. Like, I don't know. I think the, the, like, what did B.D. Wong think he was doing? Originally, I think they make a suggestion that what the locust were originally supposed to do was add something to the, there's this, there's this long fucking talk they had.

about what it originally was supposed to happen. Oh, okay. Sounds like extended cut to stuff. I mean, I don't know, maybe. Because my understanding of it is they engineered these things to do what they were doing at first, which was to go out and take out crops that were planted without using Biosin seeds.

And that's like your corporate takeover thing. I'm the only fucking push around the corner so I can charge as much as I want for these seeds that won't be eradicated. Could be a movie, but that does not need dinosaurs in it. No. That's kind of like similar a little bit to the plot of Michael Clays. It is Michael Clayton. But it's, it's, it's, I am not the dinosaur you buy.

I'm not the dinosaur you kill. I'm the dinosaur you buy. Sorry. Do you have the dinoes? It was just a raptor walking down the street carrying that bag of groceries. Fucking drench going out of bagget coming out of its grocery bag. Sorry. But I think, I think the thing is it goes tits up when all of a sudden they realize they can't control it.

And so, because there's that weird thing where it's like, Campbell Scott's like watching MSNBC and it's like weird bugs travel to different continent and he's like oh now I'm fucked got it yeah okay that sits up but we're going to be fine Beattie Wong Bidi Wong is like no I've been evil these last three movies that's the only character trait I've had

now I have long hair and I'm a good guy and I'm going to tell her all about this stuff and they have this clone girl where he's like she's the most important IP we have why I have a great question She's worth more than Spider-Man Why? Is she going to have a balloon at the Basie's parade, Clone Girl?

Oh, and here we go, Clone Girl, coming down the street. Well, remember Clone Girl, of course, from the Jurassic World incident. Everybody loves her. Of course, her blood has cured cancer. Her head is now in the Smithsonian. That is, I mean, that's the thing of why Beanie Wong is saying Clone Girl is so important. Because if he can unlock what her. clone mother or whatever you want to call this adult version of the character

was able to do because this whole thing is like I can't replicate what your quote unquote mother did you know I have to look at your DNA and study you to do this she wrote it very clearly in one of her journals but then she decided to have eggplant parmesan that now just there's just sauce all over it I can't tell a fucking thing we can't get the last piece of the formula due to a tomato sauce she just really liked the parmesan

I don't know what to tell you and clone girl being that like egg we're tossed around once Bioson gets her fucking cut her up exactly yeah they leave her in a room without any security whatsoever they're like all right you're good in there right clone girl you've been kidnapped forever what you escape and Bini Wong

is supposed to be like you're okay with being kidnapped right that's a whole point of his discussion it's like look we're going to kill you and take you apart at the hinges, but it's going to be for good reasons. And around here is when we get the plane crash, right? Yes. They crash. Here we go.

This is a dino attack because there's like some like aerial security system that Campbell Scott turns off and then this like sort of terra-dactyl is probably a different kind of dinosaur. I don't know dinosaurs for shit. They have another day, but I mean, yeah, like there's a bunch of them little flying things.

Yeah, and it just, it attacks the plane. Bryce Ellis Howard probably was visually interesting part of the movie. does an ejector seat. That's kind of cool. I thought that was pretty neat. And yeah, she ejects into the forest. But it turns out she didn't need to because no one's hurt. If anything, maybe

they got like a mild headache after a plane loses its wings and an old rusty plate. He doesn't even, he like grabs onto the siding. It doesn't even seem like he's got a seatbelt. He wraps a seatbelt kind of strap around one hand and then just literally grabs a piece of metal.

And that's it. We should cut back. And there's that hand hanging there. That's what should be Totally. He essentially gets the injuries you would get by fucking up an Ollie. Yes. Oh, my ankle. His t-shirt's not even dirty. I know.

There's no blood. There's no scratches. You know what I mean? He's so with it enough that he not only opens the top of this plane. He punches the door clean off. It's like, why did she eject? She got Superman right here. And here's the thing, man.

In a crass, like bluntly, like just wild Michael Bay movie, I'm like, All right, man. That's by whatever. You have made me like, you've gone so in depth on like what this world is really like and what would really happen. And everything about this is so soberly directed, even though it's horrible.

Yeah. Like I just, stuff like that actually, I'm like, well, why would that happen? Yeah. Exactly. You've lost it. You make me more aware of the reality of things. Well, don't worry.

He's going to get away with another scrape with death. Sure. There's a dinosaur on the ice. Yeah. then the dinosaur falls into the ice. He makes this jump, falls into the ice and is, you know, obviously saved by Han Solo. Yeah, Han Solo stops him from being deep blue seed there for a minute because it looks almost exactly when Thomas Jane dropped in the...

And when that happens, one of the weirdest parts of this movie or one of the weirdest lines because it's a real like, who are you talking to? Like, she saves him and then like Chris Pratt looks back at the dinosaur and goes, man, what an asshole. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's right. I guess, though. That's sort of funny.

He's our people, my friend. You see, he's blue collar because he called the animal an asshole. That's how that works. You know who else was blue collar? Fucking Muldoon, man. You know what I mean? That guy had a little grove.

And he met it untimely fucking end, which is what I want. Meanwhile, we get some water, guys, water ripples. Get ready for the water ripples. Because Bryce Dallas Howard is running from this. We're Dr.

Sussian looking fucking dinosaur. I'm sure it's real, et cetera. It's a long-fingered one. This thing, dude, I couldn't even tell you. I was looking at that and I was like, now there's monsters in this. Well, you know, maybe they're not real. You know, I don't know. I don't know the creation of, I think there's a, the dino myth. I'm sure

that's something you could Google. Oh, definitely. I'm sure. And I'm sure some maniacs commenting about this on Reddit right now. And I believe everything you think. You too. I believe it all. I believe, yeah, and the guy saying you're full of shit, I believe him too. That's also true. and she gets under the water

and there's a little water ripples I'm like yay water ripples that that shot though of her walking and the things behind her and she slowly does like a Jason Voorhe's like into the water she's doing a good job here

again that's a good shot too director but it is it is a good shot she goes right into like this gross like you know soggy swamp water a bunch algae on top and whatnot and they do have the nice shot of the dinosaur puts its nose like right down to the water and then we go under and she's there and she's yeah it's pretty

you know it's a cool there's some tension it did remind me of like when we're hiding from the dinosaurs in the first movie a little bit like it's actual tension and like and it's something we haven't seen in other movies yes yeah and the movie is so devoid of any actual tension whatsoever that by the time you realize what you're feeling is tension the sequence is over yeah and you're like oh was that just was that all right well whatever that's we're never going to really know with the amount of two and a half hour and like just shy of three hour movies. There are

so many of them where I'm like there's enough stuff here like if you shave 70 minutes off of this there might be something here. I might be okay with this but it's just they can't do it. They can't allow himself. And you know what what I really hate too about this upcoming

thing is like she does the ejector seat. She lands in the forest. Then she's reunited with Owen and whatever. And then are the rest of the baseball team's coming in a car the bad news bears are showing up like clone girl is in a car escaping with everyone and that crashes in the forest and it's just like they all fuck it just seems very convenient the weird happenstance of like the car fell down the hill and they're right there the clone girl finds them uh finds ellie and ellie and alan

after uh they do an ex-files fight the future uh parody yes oh my god they definitely do they go into the little bug chamber. Ellie, run. It's the same fucking scene. And they get DNA and they're like, oh, clone girl, I knew your mom. Fuck off. You didn't know her. Oh, I got.

And, oh, man, it's, it's, it's terrible. It's terrible what they do here because clone girl is like, well, how did you know my mom? And she and, and, and, and, and, and Ellie's like, well, you see, it was, it was right after Hammond died. Yeah. And I'm like, just shut the fuck. Like, I know, come on. you don't know any you didn't run into this person at a conference just be strangers exactly extended cut

question here for you guys who are watching normal version yeah does it begin with the tree of life footage with the mosquito no no what are we doing on top of everything else of like you want to know the origins of everything before the now this video there's this before the now this there is this before now this there is this video now this it's like a flashback to what happened like in like the original dinosaurs. And essentially what it is is the origin story of the mosquito in the amber. Oh, really?

They actually call all the way. Wait a second. Oh, no, because I think how did he get his wings? Wasn't this also like a teaser thing? It's all like if like Tree of Life was made by an idiot looking footage of dinosaurs doing their thing. And then

there's a mosquito and it fills up on blood and like goes away and we transition to the to the world. And I'm like, oh, God. Oh, God. We just stop. That's cool.

It's so cool. So Clone Girls now with Ellie and Allen. There's a cave adventure that I don't think we need to talk too much about. No, but there's just dinosaurs in there. Oh, but wait a second, though. There is a dumb line in there where they walk in and Sam Neal is definitely like, well, I think this is the original amber cave. And I was like, no, you don't. Dude, what?

No, you super don't think that, Sam Neal. There's one point where clone girl is running away from a dinosaur goes up a ladder and it almost eats her. But thankfully, that's the one ladder that has a cage. It's a caged ladder. Sure, yeah. All that kid stuff happens. It's just like a shark.

I mean, that's, clone girl's never dying. No, of course. Don't stop acting like it. She's part of the family. Of course she's not going to die. And they all go, they all meet up at like an EWalk village of fucking laboratories.

Yeah. This is like where Troy McClure. lives. Yeah, it's really weird. And they just barely all make it up there. Meanwhile, Campbell Scott too really blows up in his face like, oh, man, that this whole locust thing is really good out of control. Better burn them all. And then they escape through a vent and they like burn the island down. See, that is like, oh, that's not going to be good. Oh, boy. Okay. Now I got to go find my escape pot. Fantastic. I thought I would never need it. But now. Because now the, because he's like, he fires Ian Malcolm because he

realize he's working with Elie and like, you know, whatever and all that stuff. But whatever, they all, they're all in the Ewok Village now after many narrow dinosaur escapes. And this big old, what, did anyone have the name on this? Gigant, gigasaurus or something like that. Gigantias. Oh, man. I mean, yeah, we got to start. Or something. Don't carosaurus.

Yes. I mean, you know, but if you tell me, you know, because I think it's Alan Grant's got some line again where it's like, this is the largest. creditor to ever have existed on earth. They get that in four times from four different characters I fucking tell it. There's four different people telling you

this is the biggest. Did you hear it in the back? It's the biggest of them. And you know he fight there's a couple, there's two T-Rex fights with the Gigandosaurus. Neither of the very good. This is when it's the part of the movie I guess somebody wanted which is like, I want the old characters that

new characters to team up. So, like, her and Ellie and Bryce Dallas, Howard, go some, do something. And, and also, Alan Grant, what you call it, Owen Gray is like, oh, we got to save beta. Beta is in trouble. He's like, you're going to save a Raptor. And Clone Girl's like,

come on, Alan. I'm like, no, I hate Raptors. I hope that Raptor dies. I mean, how about that? I hope this rap, your Raptor dies. One of the only parts of, I really do. I hope it does. Comedy in this is what Malcolm's saying, you made a promise to a dinosaur. totally you made a promise to a dinosaur and then later he's like that day uh that a dinosaur on your shoulder there like because he's got the thing like strapped up on him and it's

like sure i mean they're not great jokes but this needed a bit more of a sense of humor as well oh for sure i mean anything i mean and you got goldblum there who could at least sell a line to make it funny yes i mean but yeah but i mean like so ellie and whatever go down and there there there's this electricity problem there's is this more oh my god Oh, you mean we have to reboot a server, Steve? Does that happen in this franchise at any point? And then like they like wind up killing all these

bugs and like Laura Dern's like, man that felt good. I'm like, did it Laura Dird? It didn't look good. You know what? That's a bad thing. That is a bad. We're going to put this in because you know what? Guys, definitely a trailer line, right? Everybody? Yeah, it's a trailer line. Oh, that didn't make the trailer. Oh, now she just looks really stupid in this movie.

Son of a bitch. Yeah, and they capture blue again because all you have due to a dinosaur. Beta. Beta. Blue's back. Put your hand up. Do your hand up like, hey man. You just do a traffic cop stop. Just let that, let them go first. Hey, dinosaur, let them go first.

Crossing guard style. Yeah, exactly. No, they're going to cross. They're going to cross. So whatever. Clone girl finding that out is a big dramatic, like, climactic moment. They're like, da-da-da-d-hand. And then simultaneously as it sort of happens with Alan Grant because he's like, he gets hip to it.

And he's like, I thought it was bullshit. But look, I'm doing it too. And he's got his hand out? Because he might as well be like, wait, hold on. I've spent three fucking movies not knowing. All I need to do is put a hand up to a raptor and that it would have been fine. And it will listen to me? Just put a hand up.

Just put a hand up. Guys, I'm just going to try this. Hey, Laura Dern, go out with me. Go out with me. It's not working. It's just their dinosaurs. You write this way, Alan, because remember, I'm divorced. So all I have to do is put up my hand like I'm out of an Italian.

They're going to give me more meatballs, but I'm really full on meatballs. And I have to say, no thanks. When I'm trying to stop the cheese from being grated, that's what I'm trying to do here. That's pretty much. That's enough. Thank you. It cuts to Beta's like internal monologue. And she's just like, uh-oh, he doesn't want any more meatballs. We have no, no fresh crack pepper either.

There's a dumb part when they see the T-Rex when Owen and Alan say, don't, nobody move at the same time and I'm jerking off because that's that's all I ever wanted was Owen and Alan fucking they're all together they're all together all my just like power Rangers as it's morphin time these casts come together dude it is embarrassed it is the Jets so

the Jetsets it's meet the Who Gives the shit right so then they're trying to flee the facility there's the dinosaurs out there they think they're after them but uh oh they're fighting each other so the giga and the T-Rex are going at it The T-Rex died because we have to bury the old, okay? We have to get ready for the dress. But then,

Jeffrey Dommersaurus comes out. Yeah, the knife fingers. Like the knife, yeah, that thing, like starts to take it. But the T-Rex ain't dead. He comes back to life. The T-Rex at the very, yeah. My God, the T-Rex is dead. Oh, my God.

The Gygosaurus is taking his life. Oh, my God. The T-Rex and Dommersaurus go on to giga together. And that is a truly unsettling image of its, like, claw hands thing going through it. That's pretty cool. Why couldn't you get that through Woo while we're at it, man? Yeah.

Ramsey shows up. He's like, hi, I'm still in this movie. You're like, who are you again? He's like, oh, no, remember those scenes? No, I don't. And then, uh, Bidi, oh, you're the real good guy. Finally.

And then Bidi Wang's like, can I come to? I've decided I'm a good guy. And here's the thing is like, I guess like they try to justify that and screenplay by like, well, Bidi Wang's the only one that can do that research to fix this. Here's an idea. Bidie Wong fixes it in the movie. Yes.

He puts it on a thumb drive. gives it to clone girl and then gets Freddie Kruger'sorist. Yes. Something. Any of those. Nine people get on this helicopter. And then nine people. And then that's it, right?

Then they're just like, and we made it a sanctuary. Problem solved. They make it a sanctuary. Ellie and Allen are going to testify in Congress about biosin. They do make out, by the way, before they escape the island. That's something. Or they're escape. We're at some sort of like airplane strip while everybody's getting bandaged up.

and whatever and they just start kissing because it's a thing where she says like I'm going to go to Congress or whatever and he's like Ellie I'm going with you Yeah that's nice Well blah blah blah

Ellie it's fine If you like other men too I just think we should be together like partners I think I should be at least in the corner jerking off watching I could just be there and I don't need to take pictures

but I could take pictures Goldblum and Ramsey are like talking to the media like blowing the whistle on And meanwhile, Kayla's like, I'm bisexual. Goodbye, movie. Bye.

Do you remember I was, because again, I don't know anything about you. At the end of the movie, if she's like flirting with the nurse, that's like sort of something. You know what I mean? Like, you know what though?

Like, I guess it's sort of something. I don't know. She just function. If she did, I'm saying. She's a function to get them from A to B. Yes. And that's it.

She's a non-character. So she's gone. And yeah, like you see her fix an upper plane, setting up a movie that'll never happen, hopefully. Top gun, Kayla. And yeah, that's the end of the drastic world. It's a, we started with now this and it's a now that because the fucking video comes

back. It's just like, time to wrap up our movie. Here we go. She says literally, like the worst bumper sticker in the world, what we all have to do is coexist. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And you get, I was, I was, man, and I think the last

part of this was written by someone who likes watching those videos you'll see on like Instagram or TikTok where it's like, watch this goat make friends with a dog. You know, whatever. And so it's like coexist says the it's actually, this is audio

from clone mom. Oh, right. Coexist. And you got dinosaurs and horses. Dinosaurs of birds. No. Dinosaurus in whales. And the last shot of the movie, very Lion King-esque, dinosaurs and elephants walking across

you know some sort of African serengety sure a raptor holding up beta to the sun well we do get that there is we have because we have to clean all that up of course Claire and Owen go back with Clone Girl and Beta to their home in like Montana or whatever it is

and Blue comes out they reunite run away Blue kind of gives like a wink they both run away Blue comes back for a second thank you and Chris Pratt nods acknowledgingly like at this dinosaur like we did good.

His best friend. I want the dinosaur father. Thank you. I want the distance. It's like really trying to talk. To eat this family. Yes. Well, because like we didn't talk about it.

But one of the first times you see Blue and Beta, Blue attacks a hunter and a son. Sure. That's not in the movie. Oh, really? Nope. There's a scene where Blue and Beta are like running through the woods together

as like a nice they're hunting a rabbit I think sure and it's trying to you do see that part Blue is trying to teach beta how to get the rabbit they get the rabbit and then there's a shot and there's a son and a father in like hunting Hannah hunting gear

like looking and he's trying to teach him and like it keeps they keep on shooting at it and Blue it cuts away but Blue does a jump towards them that's cool with claws out the theatrical version is way more chaste. It's

the same teaching to hunter rabbit thing and then a wolf gets the rabbit. Wolf shows up in this one too but then there's a hunter. It's kind of like a food chain kind of joke. Oh no they stop it at the wolf. Yeah you don't get people. Because toothless. Again, because like I was like, oh

so then this would be a pretty major news that a raptor killed a father and a son but nothing happened. The camera went up to 40 people of seems like a big deal but man all right so that is the end of this movie

and man if there is a god above it is the end of this franchise holy tits but go around the horn here final thoughts Eric Siska don't like it I hate it that's my final thought Chris Caput I agree with the sentiments of Mr.

Siska here I also have to say I think a few times we were all like if you know maybe there'd be more levity I must point us to the coffee boy. Oh, dude, from 1996. That joke. This thing, there's a coffee boy at the

Biosin. Yes. Oh, the barista who's making the jokes. Who's trying to do a back and forth with Sam Neal. And the joke is Sam Neal refuses to do a back and forth. And I

was screaming. I'm like, I don't care about anything else, but this is the stuff that's actually making me like angry. Like stop doing that. You're bad. More dinosaurs eating people. This is not hard. This is very simple. Chris, the cappuccino was, because it's loud

these baristas making those fancy drinks. So now we can have our secret conversation. Oh, yes. Yes. Security cameras. Jeff Goldblum. Because it's when Goldblum passes off the security risk. I can tell you I would rather have a needle enter my eye than have that ever happen again for me to have to

watch that again. Steve? Yeah, no, I mean, Jurassic Park is one of my favorite movies of all time, and there's never been a need for a sequel, and this is easily the worst of the bunch. It might be one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. It just, it doesn't know what it wants to be, it doesn't know what it is, and it gives nobody anything, and the thing that you might even want, which is the legacy characters coming back, they don't give a shit, nobody gives a shit. It's awful. Yeah, and I think this is a real teaching moment, or it should be, it won't be, but it should be. you know, you're not, you're never going to simultaneously

put in all the things that all the facets of your fan base want and also make a good movie. It's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. You're going to have to scramble some dino eggs to make that omelet man. And you've got to acknowledge this is the sixth time I've seen this. The majesty and magic of seeing a dinosaur come out of the woods, don't give a shit. You know what I mean? Like, no. One positive thing, though. Michael Giacchino's score. Solid stuff. Giacchino rarely

disappoints. I think this is a good one. Sounds good. Movies a total turd. I agree with Steve. Should not have gone past one. That is going to do it for this episode on the reprehensible Jurassic Park, or Jurassic World Dominion, excuse me. But for more exclusive content, of course, you can also check out patreon.com slash

We Hate Movies. Got a lot of stuff going on over there, including a We Love Movies episode this month on TopCon Maverick. Which, by the way, Tom Cruise is, yes, an evil man who's the head of a crime syndicate known as Scientology and it is military propaganda but hot damn

is it fun to watch sorry Speaking of evil we're going to record this next week I can't wait for it's the animation damnation on something called Transformers Bot bots which is like It seems like a baby preschool version of Transformers they're trapped at a mall

I can't wait for it I guarantee it it'll be a fun conversation on animation damnation Are any of the Transformers the Mall I turned into a mall. Yeah, I was a mall and I transformed into a totally empty commercial space.

Eric Siska, who are we talking about on the Gleap Glossary? On the Gleap Glossary this month, we are talking about Mon Mothma, great character, who really shines in Andor. We're going to be talking about the TV show Andor on that since we did not recap it. If you are a new listener, you might not know that we've done recaps

for every single episode of Obi-Wan, Book of Boba-Fet, and The Mandel Lorian. We skipped Andor, our mistake. Yeah, yeah, wow. The one good one probably. And so Curus, you know, talk about it as a season overall, but as well, dig into the old extended universe, Mon Mothma, which will be probably different. That is going to be a Gleep Glossom. I mean, none of them are Gleap Glossaries to miss, but this is one you do not want to miss. It's two shows and one. Pretty stoked about that.

And then on the main feed, some of the worst of 2020 continues. With a movie that we are about to record the episode on right after this. Steve Sadek, where are we going? We are going to get another rickety plane to jump into Uncharted with Tom Holland. Man, yeah, two rickety planes back to back. Did not even think of that. Mr. Stark, can you make a better plane? I promise there'll be more voices than that.

I don't know if I can handle it. Yeah, I don't know. It's a warm tea before we fire that one up. So until next week, with for some reason, Mark Wahlberg and Uncharted. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Sisko. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.