We Hate Movies - S13 Ep654: Uncharted

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

On this week’s episode, the guys are chatting about the super-dud video game adaptation, Uncharted! What were those little kids planning to do if they actually stole the map? Will Tom Holland ever believably play a grown man? And what in the world was with that Negroni joke? PLUS: A fight scene in a Papa John’s? Come on… Uncharted stars Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle, Steven Waddington, and Antonio Banderas as Santiago Moncada; directed by Ruben Fleischer. Click here to snag tickets to catch the gang LIVE in the virtual space on January 26 as they chat about the stunningly bad Thor: Love and Thunder! Ticket bundles available for the exclusive after-party Q&A as well! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new SW Crispy Critters, MINGO!, WHAT IF Donna? & Mortal Kombat designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program. Get ready to poorly cover up that English accent and solve some real dumb puddles because this week we are talking all about uncharted. Do you say puddles? Solving puddles. Did I say puddles? I thought so. I've been puzzles. Maybe you did. I don't know. Let's just leave this in. There's a couple of puddles in this movie, too. So I think we'll leave it. My name is Andrew Jupin. I am Stephen Sadek. I am Eric Sisko. I am Chris Uncabined. And we hate movies. I'm going to be able to be. Hello, everyone, welcome to WeHare movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Puddles.

Puddles. Puddles and Puddles. Oh, no, no, no, no. If you want to know about Sami puddles, this is a sexual thing that two consenting adults can do. We talked about it on our Patreon. We did indeed. Patreon.com slash, what is it? Patreon.

on dot com slash we hate movies. Thank you, Chris. That's exactly what it is. Were you making sure he was awake or did you forget what the URL was? I wanted to make him part of it. That's the mystery. That's the mystery, Mr.

Steve. Listen, Chris Cabin's by like Vano White. Sometimes you feel like. Oh, yes. I have to be the pretty one. Yeah, I got some rocking tits too.

Well, my Pat Sejack here is always drinking. I guess Steve should be Pat Seajajat. That's true. That's what they called me in fucking grade school. You were, you and him were, immigrants to this country together. Two lowly wretches on the same boat.

He turns out he had the wheel of fortune on that one. Patrick, where do you think we will show up on the wheel of a fortune? Oh, well, you got bankruptcy, right? Oh, man. So, yes, anyway, we're talking about that 2022s who farted, directed by Ruben Fletcher. Who is the king of who farted movies? Zombie land. zombie land double tap.

Tommy puddles was on Melro? Right? Tommy puddle. Yes, that's intrusive. We're having intrusive puddle thoughts here. It's like inception. There's like different, like you're just planting tummy puddle thoughts. I mean, that Venom movie is kind of fun or it is very fun. Yes. And then it's much better than the movie. He didn't direct Venom 2, let there be carnage. Directed by Andy Circus. Anyone also remember that?

No. Are you joking? Circus directed that movie. Holy shit. I don't know if he directed it or a CGI constructed he was Moccapping director Well that's, wait We shirt's him and not like a bunch of clowns

Could be in a trench coat An actual circus directed Okay With a tent and everything Juggler did it Uh huh I think well because circus It was like the whole idea

It was like Where he knows Motion Capture He must know how to direct a movie That movie was terribly Right And then he did the zombie lands I only saw the first one

Which I thought was fine He got the he did the movie that had to be docked because of the Aurora shooting. Sure. Gangster squad. Movie theater terrorists attacking them. Yes, the gangster.

The old gangsters go into a movie theater and gun down everybody. So it happened right around. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they were like, yeah, no, we're not gonna that went away. Yeah. Did you ever wind up seeing it? Oh, yeah. It's awful. I mean, Ruben Fly, sure, to be clear, even Zombie Land, which I like the

most of the bunch. Yeah. You're probably not going to like it. They're all movies that are like fine. Yes. I prefer. I prefer Ruben sandwiches. Me too. Sourkraut.

I mean, it's just this is the German stuff. It's nice. You know, just because you haven't seen these movies doesn't mean you need to weigh in with sandwich. No, I saw Gangster Squad. Oh, did you? I chose to say nothing. Hang of me out to try. Gangster or Zombie Land came out before I like,

decided I was making like a lifelong, not lifelong, but like a pledge to myself in life to remove my eyeballs from zombie tainment for at least five years. That is exactly when it did come out and I was like, nope, I'm out. Well, yeah, Zambiland 2. That coming out in general, it's just like, you missed your window, man. And you're not James Cameron. You can't pull this shit. Oh, you mean Ruben Fletcher wasn't spending years working on new zombie camera technology? Look, we can make a better Bill Murray if we put the fucking focus on it. We'd really do it. But also

30 minutes or less. Also, fine. Did you direct that movie? That was his second movie. Oh, okay. That was after Zambulam. Do you promise? Do you promise? Can I, if I look this up and it's not him? I promise. I will promise you. Did anyone see the, did anyone play

these uncharted games? My wife does, and I've played a few levels while she's been doing it. Gotcha. And I could I could pick out at least one, like, the opening thing is a big thing from the game. Yeah. Him having to jump because that's,

I guess, what the big thing is, is really what he is, is he's a very good jumper. It's this like slight, what was I calling it? It's like parkour light. There's a lot of that is jumping on things.

It's not as like Assassin's Creedie. But it does jump on things. I played, I think, the third one for a little bit on PlayStation. It was, you know, fun enough. Chris,

you kept your promise. I know. Look, I know. You live to see another day, Chris Cabin. I'll never let you down, baby. This is, uh, anyone noticed that playstate, the absolutely audacity to create this enormous PlayStation studios. Well, we're all going to go see God of war and assassins created whatever else. Well, they thought this would be a franchise.

Because we have the, you ain't going to believe this ending to it. Oh, sure. Two. Absolutely. And, well, I mean, what else, what else could they develop? Well, I mean, what's good. the god of war is in that in that was there a samurai are they going to they do a ghost movie oh dude i would watch a ghost of shishima fucking movie sure but it is it is a totally you're right see it is a totally presumptuous like why don't we just get a little a little text thing

that comes up at playstation studios yeah what why i because i completely blank out i forget everything about watching the assassins creed movie was playstation was a studio back then Or is this their first one? I believe this is the first title. They'll probably reboot it now. Probably. Make it more fun. Now that it's back where it belongs, right, folks. But it's so funny because, like, you know, you start with the Columbia Pictures logo. And, man, a good, you let that lady play out the music, classic logo. Love that lady. Gets right into this, this garbage PlayStation thing. And then you have Atlas Entertainment, which is another production company involved in this, massively long. introductory logo.

Like, of course, it's awful. The Columbia logo is perfect. She's sexy dame, who's what, cousins with the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, exactly. Statue of Liberty's fucking fucking slutty cousin. Hey, is, uh, no, yeah, Liberty.

Is Columbia coming out tonight? I got a friend with me here. You know, he needs a date. I told him, I told him, you know, she was a little easy, peasy. Nah, Columbia's washing a hair. She can't come out tonight. You'll be lucky if you end up with

the tristar. Oh my shit fucking a horse and stare. A Pegasus. Oh, right. Oh, dude, getting pegged by a Pegasus. Yeah, now we're talking. The, yeah, yeah, it's very presumptuous. Here comes all of these PlayStation movies. And I, you know, no for this movie.

I don't, here's the thing. It's not, we just did Jurassic World Dominion, which I do think is one of the worst movies I've seen all year. I also just, on my own extra credit, watched the movie Pray for the Devil, which is one of the worst movies. Oh, dude. Yeah. But what I was going to say was this movie is not good, completely forgettable.

I barely remember what happened last night. I don't want to watch the sequel, but it's like an airplane movie totally fine in that way. Like, things happen and then it ends. If you're not, if you're only paying attention to 40% of it, it passes all the markers. But you really, if it ticks up over 45, you're in trouble. because some of this stuff is really like we're going to get into the joke it could be

it could be taken from any angle really but like there are a couple ways to look at that joke stuff stuff happens in this where you're like if I had just happened to see that one moment I might be interested in it sure and that happens I would say tops eight times in this movie for a two hour movie two hour movie

I see what you're saying with it being sort almost quasi-passable and an airplane or something. But by the time they have those fucking ships Yeah, you're right. With the helicopters. Yes. No thank you.

Yeah. And also I learned this time around because I actually I find Tom Holland okay in the Spider-Man movies. I like him in the first one. Yeah. And then that's about it. Kind of like I think that first was a really good use of him and a good, like it's a really good script. Civil War. He's really,

when he comes. in for the first time. But the problem one, I think also is he's turning into a man boy, which is a problem. Because like, he's a man now. He's a grown man. He's a grown man. I thought he's a perpetual boy. Didn't Marvel like make him a eunuch to play

to play Spider-Man forever? That's the problem and he's in this movie, which to my knowledge, to my knowledge, the Nate character is a grown man who has a, he's a chuck steak man. Mark Wahlberg should be him. Which is like, but he's still doing this Jimmy Dillikers

whores shit. And I'm like, well, that's not what this character should be. It's way too close to Spider-Me. I'm so serious now. I mean, he's just Michael J. Not. Oh, that's pretty good. It's, so he, oh my God, get ready to fucking commit suicide on the air, everybody. What's this?

He was born June 1st, 1996. Nice. So, Tom Holland, this year will be, what, what's that, 27? He acts like he's 16 and everything. Including this movie, which is, like, in the beginning they're like, oh, look, he's a he's old enough to drink and I'm like I know that but like also somebody remind me other than

the Spider-Man movies and his fantastic part in Lost City of Z uh what like what is he known for like it's just Spider-Man right I like that's a problem it's it's just Spider-Man it was such a big deal that he's now a celebrity and there's a lot of these things that he's trying to do like that cherry movie but yes so that's good example. It is like, it is a similar situation as what we were talking about with Chris Pratt in the first, in the Duras Park Dominion is like, I don't know if he can make the transition. Because like you don't, you don't weave it. Like you used to, DiCaprio used to have to do one serious movie, one serious movie, one kiddie movie. Now you can just do kitty movies for as long as you

fucking life. Well, that's no presence. That's the problem. He has an adult actor. He doesn't have presence. That's true. To me. To you. To you. To you. your point, Chris, I don't think there aren't many adult movies to do anymore. You as an actor as a sort of a mainstream actor are expected to be part of or lead two to

three franchise. You're not supposed to have the one and then like that's for them, everything else is for me. There's a very lucrative adult film world that you could participate. Oh, those are franchises like Sunswap. Brassers

Studio with a Columbia lady on it. Oh, now she's definitely getting fucked. Here's another one, though. And this is a classic case of, like, I didn't see it. Everyone I've talked to or things I've read say it's fucking terrible. He's in that, it's a Netflix. Done all the time. Yes, gothic drama.

I read the book and the book was like a lot, but it was kind of fun a lot. And then like, I've heard the movie was so terrible. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to watch it. It's way too long. And again, it's another one of those movies. I mean, that's, it's funny. We're talking about this because who was the last guy to do this successfully? Our paths.

Yeah. The man himself. Who's he in devil all the time? And he is the best part of the devil all the time. He's the best part of that other fucking Netflix, the King movie. Oh, right. He's silly as hell in that movie. This is part of the problem with his face, basically.

Yes. I'm not trying to be an asshole. No, no. He's a very, he's got a boyish quality that our pets can easily have grown out of. And he has. Yes. Leonardo DiCaprio grew out of his. boyish phase. Maybe that'll happen

eventually for our boys here. I'll tell you right now what's got to start going on and it's got to start going on if you want to be taken seriously Tom Holland and again I like in the Spidermans and you know you're fine as that stuff. Don't sound like an animated duck I agree with that. I mean one

yeah don't don't start talking like we think you talk but how about a couple of cheeseburgers and start smoking a little bit? Oh there you go. Because he just he needs to get a little rougher. He's still just too fucking pretty. I made that joke about Michael J. Fox earlier, but that's kind of the career trajectory right there. It's he, he never overcame his boyish looks. True. He did. No, he didn't. But

like at least he played into them in a wide margin. Like he was, we should remake Doc Hollywood. Something like anything like that. But also, I don't know. Michael J. Fox isn't just a star. He's cute. Tom Holland is not to me cute. He's more like handsome. Like, I can see him living in TV, maybe. Yeah. To a degree. But like there was always something very comical about Michael J. Fox. It was always tinged with this thing.

And like to me, Tom Holland always comes out as way too adult for himself. Because the thing is I think one of his biggest drawbacks is that he, uh, he's British and he always has to play American. And his American accent is fine, but it just limits things he can do. The other thing is he's prom. because it's Zendaya on him and they are like the the power couple power couple

so like I don't know even if he had the idea to do more Lost City of Z type stuff I don't think he's going to do it because he thinks it's brand shit is going to swallow him up but now here's an interesting thing that I'll throw in

as a wrench to this whole thing just so we don't have to talk about this movie you got that right you got that right another guy who like boyish good looks I think he's got to be younger than Tom Holland, not by a ton of years, but a dude who I

am way more hip to take seriously in a more mature role is Shalame. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, Shalomey and Dunes, Shalamay and Bones and all. Like, he still kind of looks like a little kid, but he's also a better actor. He's a much better. I mean, well, that's that. And he's not to be whatever, but he's an American. So

when he does an American accent, he's just doing it. I just watched Bones and the last night. I really liked it. And I was exactly thinking that because I watched Uncharted and Bones and all back to back. Wow, that is a double feature. And literally you can swap, You could put Shalama in any Tom Holland role And it would be as good, if not better, depending. Yeah.

Does not go the other way around. No. It absolutely just, I'm gonna eat your finger. Or like him in Dune would be just, you know what I mean? Exactly. Insufferable. I mean, that's five stars down to two and a half.

Deal with the devil. Just like Pratt, you fucking started with Marvel. like that really does to me it looks like it paints your worldview completely differently. Timothy Chalemay just did, I mean he's a cute boy who was in Lady Bird and like you found him in Lady Bird which is a really

good fucking movie. Cute boy that is like a star. He's basically getting there and and this guy. I don't know about this Wonka movie. We'll see what happens with that. Again, here's the thing, Timothy Salome, great example. He's an actor. He wants to do an Oscar movies. You know

what I mean? Bones and all. We'll see. Blah, blah, blah, blah. stuff, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar bait. But he has to have at least two franchises going or else they're going to fucking take his house away. He's got to be in tune and now he's going to do Wonka too. You've got to have two fucking franchises going or else we will take your fucking

he's a movie star. I think Tom Holland's future is sitcom. Oh, that would be something. That would be nice. If he just ends up being that, I mean, watching that motherfucker for 23 minutes a week. Yeah, I can do that. And you can tell how little, I mean, this movie, to get into the movie, it's

like sure you can tell that they don't have a lot of confidence in him in his downtime because for no reason whatsoever other than to to assure you that this is not the most boring film on the planet they have to put this one of the like climactic like action scenes of the film they front loaded yep for no other like it doesn't tie into it when it shows up later it's not like and back here I am it's no it's you just there I was I was I I would not have blinked. I was waiting for it. I was holding my breath. I was getting my gut all tight for a freeze frame. You're probably wondering how I got here. I was like, dude, this movie is not above that. It's a completely arbitrary starting point, Chris. It's just,

it's that. And then there's the then we're like in our completely, completely intellectually devoid. Well, what was he like as a kid? Let's watch him. Let's have one to two scenes of him as a little baby. This is an interesting question here. Now, the flashback of him as a child. why isn't Tom Holland also playing him as a child? What is this like five flashback for five years ago? This kid that they cast to play little Tom Holland looks nothing like time. You could have done something. But I mean, it's just it's and it's just so like, oh, you know, it's their break.

So this, his older brother is an asshole. It's like, let's break into a museum. And we're just going to take a map. Like, don't you know that. Yeah, the alarm is going to go off. This is puzzling stuff. I don't know what the, like, do you want to get to throw? Do you want to get thrown on the street?

Like you got to know, like, you know the library. You can't even do that. You're going to check it out. Yeah. This is a more secure. This is more secure. This is more. Gellin's fucking map.

But like, also, where are, are they in New York City? Well, they're Boston. Boston. Boston, okay. You can tell from Tom Holland's Boston accent. Yeah. Boston. Boston.

And like, wherever this thing is housed, it seems like it has like, until the, the thing goes off. Yeah. It must have like no actual external security. Yes. Oh, yeah. these two kids to be able to do this shit to get in there. And then all the sudden, like, oh no, it's when you try to actually steal

the thing that you would get caught. You wouldn't get caught the minute you fucking enter the place. But also the thing that's really confounding is like, what is the end game here? You're two little kid orphans. Yes. You're going to steal this map and finance an expedition to find these boats that we find. You're going to put it under your orphan bed?

Dude, like, no way. Like, so what are we doing here? My hands only got some chocolate on it. I can touch it. I'll tell you what. this me. If you were serious at that age about becoming, you know, kids think they're going to be an astronaut to fire him in a chef, whatever the fuck.

If you want your life to be, I'm going to be in the black market for my entire life. You try pulling shit like this just to let people know, I'm going to do it. It's just stupid as hell. And I'm probably going to go to jail. But I'm going to, that is my life. You want a wrap sheet early and often is

what you're saying? Yes. And like a little bit of history. Wrap it up. And wrap it up. And wrap it up early and That's how you prevent orphans. Well, that's what we need speaking of the orphan thing, right? It's like there is some passing line about like, well, mom and dad are gone, but not lost gone, blah, okay, fine. I need to hear that the father and the mother were also like this adventure team.

I'm sorry, like, okay, so 15 years ago from 2022, you're telling me kids are giving a shit about exploring things. In 2007? Yeah, come on. I mean, no, haven't you heard about their parents are famous? Ohio and Nebraska Jones. Are there orphanages anymore, you know? Yeah, oh, yeah.

That are like this nice. I thought this was a Catholic school or something. I think it's a Catholic-run orphanage. They're like the Blues Brothers. But it's got a fucking nicer room than I do. I'm going to be 40 years old. You're going to have to take that up with the nun there, Eric. She's going to be the one you want to talk about this.

These orphans have it so good. Honestly, a little too good. Eric, just going around to orphans. How much you make? How much do you make? What, sir? What? Make what?

Flam that I cough up every day. Do you get ads with bonobos? You tell me now. Oh, now me socks have house in them. So they're like, all right, we're going to lock this kid away for a good. Why do you go upstairs, kid, though, to be creeping out of windows. And you can just pack your stuff there. We're going to all close our eyes on the cover.

totally we're going to sleep this brother what sam drake that gets now expelled and goes off into the world we all thought he was going to be mark walberg oh yeah i'm 100 that's what the twist seemed i was like because i was thinking about it i was like the math could never work out because he's 30 years older than this kid but this movie is dumb as dog of course no the math would never work out that would stop anybody but the math would never work out i thought it until i actually got his name because i do know him as it's a The secondary main character in the game. The secondary main character. The first one is Drake. But do you play him or is he more like a solid snake? Like snake, the boxes are going to do this for you. I think you can, like certain levels you do switch over.

Oh, I never got any of that. Usually what is like if you are like in your car with a gun turret on it, like he be the driver. Oh, that's right. I did play that level. Actually, that was kind of fun as far. Yeah, yeah. I need a gun. It's a fun here.

It's fun. I'm a metal care salad now. I'm a little solid state. Call me Little Snake. I'm like a little kid. Oh, man, I'm Trousers Snake. Watch this happen now with PlayStation Studios. It's going to happen, dude.

And it'll probably start Tom Holland because we got to try to make them, you know, cool or whatever. Yeah, I was in the Cold War. It was really fucking cold there. Wonder why I got this eyepatch? Speaking of eye patches, and we'll get to what we get to it, but this is a movie where the characters are fully aware of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. and I couldn't believe it. They're fully aware of that.

When he said when Tom Holland has the fucking stones to say to, what's the lady's name? Clow. Oh, yes. Because when did you become Indiana Jones? I'm like, fuck you don't say it.

You know what? Because that's all I'm thinking about this entire movie anyway. And like the funny thing is like Tomb Raider was Indiana Jones, but it's a lady who's sexy and she's British. So that's like different. But it's a video game anyway. Who cares? it turned into a movie so that it's like girl Indiana Jones

yeah but similar thing here now it's like boy Indiana Jones without a hat I will say the new Tomb Raider I liked that was fun the Latvia Vicander was not bad Walton Goggins is a very good villain in that there is stuff to like but like yeah in this case it's young Indiana Jones plus Mark Wahlberg it's funny that you're saying young Indiana Jones because

if the trivia is to be believed Tom Holland pitched a young James Bond movie and Sony was like S.R.D. James Bond Jr.? He basically was that. And then they were like, no, but hey, we're making the Uncharted movie. I feel like I won something when I read that. That it didn't happen.

Like, I don't have to be subjected to Tom Holland being like, a little Indiana show, a little James Bond shake and not stirred, put extra milk in it. I'm so, oh, I'm just a little kid. Here's my skateboard. But that does tell me, though, that he is. to find some way to not look like a boy. If you're doing something like young James Bond,

your aim is to be an action star. Alcoholism. You really got to... Listen, precisely. Tom Holland, listen, man. Come to New York. Any deli? All you got to do is get whatever sandwich concoction they are titling a godfather.

You get whatever their godfather's sandwiches, you buy a pack of cigarettes. You get a six pack of the heaviest logger that you can find. We go back to my house we pig the fuck out I will age you up in two weeks look what you want to do here Tom is do everything that will kill

you that doesn't involve a weapon exactly that's essentially what you want to get going on here no stunts we don't want you getting hurt no no no definitely you know what you do want that cake yes you will have a drag of that cigarette yeah I mean he's desperate to change his image but at the same time

it's just like you're going to be great your whole life you won you won 10 lotteries already Yeah, yeah, true. He doesn't have to do anything else. Just fuck off. Well, that's like this character. It needed a different accent and maybe a different way of walking.

And I think this is sort of like we're talking about Shalame, like, who's just a better actor. He just felt like Spider-Man. Yes. He just feels exactly like Peter Parker. He's still all shucksie. He's sarcastic. I mean, like the park horror is different than Spider-Man from a movement perspective, but not much. Not really.

He's hanging from these crates. Exactly. All you got to do is put that motherfucker in a little rink. red and blue suit, that's a Spider-Man sequence. Even, I mean, yeah, we're saying there's a difference between the parkour and the things, but like, even so, like, the way, like, the movement, the way they film his movements are the same. So, therefore, I feel like I'm watching the same movie. I just thought of another one, and it's a total fucking, like, prop slash, like, costuming mistake.

So much of this movie, he's got a fucking two-strap backpack on. Yeah. He looks like Peter Parker walking a science school. why would you give him a two-strapped backpack? Because I'm not That's the thing I am not A part of me is pretty sure that was all on purpose

And it just fucking looks bad Because like you watch it Like that's bad but it was always like No no no no no Oh God those Spider-May movies are so fucking successful Just have them do that But with Uncharted It's so funny because we mentioned the box office

Like look how well that worked for you And you're fucking terrible bankrupt decision I mean, the video game curse continues unabated. I just saw it made $400 million. Oh, did it? I thought it was a maybe. Oh, it was a bad box office? Yes.

I mean, was that 400 worldwide? Wait, so it made a splash even bigger than when the ship falls in? That was pretty big, Steve. That ship made a big splash. That was a very big splash. Yeah, we age him up. Now he's a bartender. Yep, and he's doing cocktail.

We're just doing the Thomas. I wanted this movie to add like fucking cocktail, dude. yeah totally with the Brian Brown character he's on yeah so he's on the subway gets to the bar of course he's late and he's already getting some heat as soon as he comes in yep and sees a pretty lady and he's like oh I could get you what can I get you and he asks I forget what she says vodka time come on something a little harder challenge me challenge me and she says get me a nagroney uh-huh and the immediate reaction is him shocked looking at her being like

a new and that's it. Now, both me and Eric and one other person that we will not name have said that this is Who were we not? The guy you

was another friend of mine. Okay, yes. I got it. Got it. Got it. Was that the joke of this because it is supposed to be a joke of some sort was that he thought she had said the end word. Right. Or like a very that's how I read it

That's how I read it as well The movie stopped dead It felt like it wanted to It felt like he wanted to have that big Moment of reaction like that The reaction to me is what sells me That that was the purpose of the joke As opposed to a no what

Like I don't know what that drink is Which is the other way to do that That was how I And Chelsea actually read it last night It's traveling that line It's not a good joke Because here's the thing A Nogroni is not a complicated drink to make

It's also not an obscure drink. No, it's pretty popular. And I think that's, like, that's why I read it as his quote-unquote joke is him pretending that he's never heard that before. But you're right, the exclamation. But here's the thing with the exclamation. He's just a boyish kid who's not good at his acting as Timothy Chalomey. Right.

So there's that. And he's from Londontown. He doesn't know that word, maybe. I don't know. Actually, they do. Never mind the football stadiums love it. Yes, they're very fond of it. Either way, I have to say.

that they are least happy that that is a possibility because you're not, look, a lot of people watch these movies before they get to the big screen. You're not telling me somebody was like, guys, yeah, yeah, totally. Do you notice what's happening here? And they're like, oh yeah, just leave it in. Who cares? Like, that's my, what I think. No, bro, that joke's hilarious. Maybe, yeah, maybe Mark was really like gunning for it. The screening room, like the Sony pictures screening room was fucking definitely silent

except for holy fucking shit did you hear that hold on I got to call my brother Donnie you're not going to believe this joke I just heard in uncharted the movie I'm in all of the there's jokes and there's setups

and like clearly they go through comedic scenarios but neither Mark Wahlberg nor Tom Holland in my opinion are particularly comedic like no Mark Wahlberg can be funny when he wants to and he does have a couple of things here and I'm not going to sit here and pretend like he has not

made me laugh in the past. Sure. Because he has. You just answered your question in the past. I see what you're saying. Like I know it's not a great movie but like the big hit era or whatever he had he had some charisma and jokes and shit. Because he was still dumb guy. Like now he's

aware of his people viewing him as dumb guy. So he works against that. So you think as opposed to like when like Chris Walken realized everybody thinks he's a cartoon character

and he fucking laid into it yeah you're saying Mark Wahlberg's trying to steer the bus in a different direction

I mean into being a dumb guy I do I'm actually a big genius yes true we were all

of the biggest yes I mean the dumb guy thing so go ahead I think he can he knows he can use that to his

advantage but like just look at the kind of movies he's gravitated towards over the last decade. It's all been military shit, action shit. Being funny

is no longer an interest of him. Except those two daddivus. But that's family shit. I mean... Daddy's home? I'm sorry. Wait, hang on. The movie Ted is not a family film. Daddy's home? Yeah, it's supposed to be a family film. And what I just said the movie Ted is not a family film. Well, Ted is a family film now because all the kids are raised on like 30 year old episodes of family guys. Yes. Yeah, that's good. That's all. I mean, And even in Daddy's home, he's like the straight guy.

Like, the whole point is like he is badass. Like, it's not like, he's funny. I mean, I think this was probably more than 10 years ago at this point. So it is outside the bounds of what we're talking about. But what was that? Fear. You're real hilarious. Oh, no.

What was it called the other guys with him and Will Farrell? That might be literally like 2010, I think. Okay. It's a while ago. Yeah. That was a while ago. Anyway. So whatever, he winds up.

We find out that he's like a pick pocket at his own bar, which is a terrible thing. to be. Dude, dude, you're shit and where you eat. Exactly. Like, you want to do that in the street, but he, like, he, like, steals this, uh, bracelet from this girl. And then, and he goes in and here comes Mark Wahlberg. And hey, man, we're closed. I got some, I got a special admission for you, kid. Hey. Hey, this is a special mission. You want to come on it with me? Imagine you are this great adventurer thief and like, sure. You just see some fucking idiot, like, pick a fucking a necklace off some, you know, not supposing. Oh, I have to have this guy, bro. He's just, it's fucking it's like watching Houdini, bro. No, but it's about the postcards. He's got him. He's got the postcards.

I know all about his correspondence. That's right. He wasn't just watching boys in a bar. No, he wouldn't just be doing that. But we have to have the thing where like, you know that Mark Wahlberg is also like from that world because he's like, hey bro, that was a pretty nice

lift you had there blah blah blah do you know what a lift is I just found out I just called one home yeah there's a pretty good lifts there you look like you're almost 5-7 nice I took one home and I managed to not punch the driver in the face till a death

did you wear those doing Spider-Man oh sorry Ruben I forgot just problems we're just hashed it out in here he's like 4-8 right Tom Holland yeah and Mark Wahlberg too yeah they are not too do I mean they actually sort of like make that joke at one point, like Tom Holland being like,

what do you call me short for? You're like an inch taller than I am. They kept on talking about like the key holes and stuff like dude, just walk through it, man. Alice, come on. Ant-man or whatever. Come on. Get into quantum. Uncharted, quantum mania. Oh, hey, bro. I'm getting

small as fuck. Michelle Pfeiffer, where are you? Oh, hey, baby. I'll follow you into the quantum realm. Yo, Tom, Tom, did you play Batman? Man, I can't keep up, bro. There's so many of these movies. This is my new girlfriend. It's a dust night.

Kang the what? I love Batman, bro. I love him so much. You know, I wanted to be the penguin once. I gained all the weight, and then I ended up having to play a fucking priest. We gained all this way to play Oswald Cobblebott. I got shafted on the casting and made Father's stew.

Now, I didn't see this. Chris, you probably saw this. Is it funny? it is. I remember Chris Cabin called me in the middle of the night. He was like, Andrew, I'm really sweating. And I was like, what's going on? You can call me at all hours. How can I help you? And you were like, I'm putting together my best of the year list. And I'm really trying to figure out if I can make Father Stu place on there. That's how much you love for the movie. It was at 11 for a while. It was batting against the 10. You know, it was that versus both sides of the blade. And it was just dead heat for a while there. No, it is an atrocity. I mean, it. It's watching. I mean, Mel Gibson plus Mark Wahlberg. I mean, it's almost exactly. Didn't that already happen already?

They're Catholic buddies, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sippin the communion wine. I forgot they did that. It's like mixing the two liquids from Die Hard 3. You know it's going to work. Folks at home, we're talking about Catholic actors here now. So I want to mention that we don't support the Catholic Church.

We're not in, we're not big on them. They're probably evil wicked, man. I mean, we know Mel Gibson is. Oh, well, yes. Mel Gibson is the Lord of Darkness You can't believe Pope Benedict's gone, bro Oh man, he was the best one Because he was the one that was saying it

You know what I mean He was saying it Yeah, he was one of one of those Good guys from Germany So he, Pope Benedict, I forget He died last year The week or so ago Someone lifted him up

And threw him down the turbo shaft Is that? That's right That's right That happens with every Pope Somehow Pope Benedict has returned. Oh, my God.

He will, dude. Yeah. But so he's like, yo, bro, Globetrotten Adventure. It's a new, it's a new franchise of doing. You want to do it with me? And by the way,

you won't have to be a bartender anymore. And you're a fucking moron. It's a grony. Everybody knows it. Now, Tom is shit. Now, Tom, you've got to trust me. I have no, I'm in so many franchises. I'm in Ted.

Just Ted. No, he's fucking Transformers. Dude, you'll never. Oh. I forget he was, I may or may not have been the last night. I forgot how that movie went. Look, that's Optimus's franchise. Don't be playing with me.

Mark Wahlberg, stop taking credit for my franchise. Michael, why do I not have top billing? Dude, there's other places that we will discuss it, but I saw the trailer for that fucking animal transformer thing. Good gravy. Get your fucking January calendar, Mark. It has to be a state. Holy shit.

I'm ready. So do you think when Mark Wahlberg was, in last night he was talking to Opinus Prime saying, I thought this was a vehicle for me. But now there's a vehicle in it. It's another vehicle. You made a vehicle to starve your movie, Michael. Where's Shia?

So Tom Holland steals a doormand's key and breaks into Mark Wahlberg's apartment. Sure. And Mark Wahlberg has this Magellan map that the kids tried to steal back in Boston. I mean, do you think that's why it was set there? Because it's like

Mark Waldberg now owns the map So he's like yeah I got it I grew up across the street from that map Look I just happened to be reading The Wikipedia article for Magellan last night So it's gonna be Magellan okay Because that's like whenever they're going through Like there's huge parts of this

Are just Tom Holland and be like Did you know that Magellan did this But actually was this guy and who gives it shit And this is a history lesson now Dude speaking of the H word right there Chelsea called this we were watching it's fucking great. He has a Biff Tannen line in this movie

because when like he says Tom Holland reels off whatever like Magellan in fact, oh Magellan actually didn't circumnavigate Elcano and he just it's Biff Tannen and Back to the Future 2 alternate 1985. You know your history. Very good.

It is incredible. It is very much like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes obsessed with Edison and all he wants to do was talking about Edison. This movie has Magellan fever and count me out. Oh my God. Please count me out.

Absolutely. Just make it up. At this point, like I don't, you don't have to get like I guess this were still stuck with the idea that like movies have to teach you a lesson or you have to learn something from movies in some backwards way. But like, why not just make up a whole different fucking explorer and actually have that like work with your movie? What the fuck is it with you?

the real world Francisco da Gama Vasco da Gama's cousin he was the best one you never heard him and then you can do whatever you want Yep exactly Then it doesn't matter

And like and when you take It's interesting Because when you remove Real names from things That is carte blanche for more fantasy And it sets it in an even faker world So I'm not thinking about A real life explorer I don't care

Exactly And someone who can Who spends all of their day Shitting blood and vomiting blood out of their vomiting blood out of their mouth while screaming

because they got the history wrong in a movie like those people will shut the fuck up forever because they have no place so in a great time killing thing because stunningly

and it's a real bad sign when a movie like this is under two hours I have to say these days which thank God I mean thank God but these days as far as like what the movie is the short of the run time and the bigger the scope of the film, the worst the movie is going to be. I feel that's

like what the chart is. Yeah. So we are killing some time. We're in the apartment and he's like, go on the mission with me. And Tom Holland is like, no, I won't. He goes home. He looks at a postcard. And then he's like, yes, I will. Why could we not just agree to all this? But I need a suit, a cat, and this, that, and the other thing. And he agrees. And then, you know, if you're making a movie to try to break away from Spider-Man to become more of a man-actor. if you will. You probably shouldn't have a scene where Mark Wahlberg

has to teach you out to tie a tie. Exactly. Because you're a baby then. You're totally right, Eric. That is stuff that is just infant and infantilizes this kid to the point where it's like, yeah,

he's just a little boy, Spider-Man, talking to Mr. Stark again. And I'm like, I don't want to watch that again. Because at least the Mr. Stark at the time was R.D.J. and not sully Mark Walker. Mr. that's Mr. Stark

and now he's Mr. Chart Mr. Chart No yeah it's literally like Greg Chart how you doing Greg Chart who would be like the alternative to Marissa like literally

if Spider-Man had a dad instead of a mom figure in the house that's exactly what this is essentially yeah drives me fucking nuts we do get

we do a lot of him with his shirt off doing a lot of like pushups and stuff oh yeah all of the audience getting excited all those

Zendias. And the Zen Gaias too. So we have a thing which is and Chris Cabin, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there is like stealing shit high stuff in at least one of the games. Yeah, yeah. So the slinking around. The cat too, right, is canonical to the game. The cat is also canonical. Mr. Wiskers is indeed canonical.

He's there. That's a funny little line where he's like, what did the cat for? I don't know. He's a sad life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not bad. Because it is a nice punching down on a Mark Wahlberg character, which is what you want. So the whole thing is, you know, the legend pre-told that you need these two keys to do something. Mark Wahlberg says he has the one key. We got to break into this auction house to get the other key.

And thank goodness gracious, great gobs of fire. The auction is happening on a night that is indeed tonight. Yes. And he's already planned on how to take out the power at just the right moment. Oh, there's a montage. I think that's where the exercise is happening. It's like he's got to like, because Mark Wahlberg's like, I'm going to do my thing and steal the key after you cut the power.

And he's like, how do I cut the power? Well, you've got to bring something to the table, bro. This is your part of the movie. So it's a montage of him like exercising and like looking at plans or whatever. I did not get a chance to do a Shazam on this. But like, whatever this fart rock tune he's montage into here, good Christ, it's terrible. It's all subject. That's what you're usually getting with these.

yeah, he does hardcore exercising. He climbs a rope in his apartment. He does some pull-ups. He's doing really good there. More than I'm doing, dude. Much more than I'm ever going to do. And then all leading up to what I would argue is a sub-Hudson Hawk

auction scene. As far as the action scenes and auction houses go, this does not even add up to a Hudson Hawk level fucking masterclass. That fucker is. It doesn't even add up to a North by Northwest disturbance at an auction. No, sir. And it's, we're introduced to villain of the movie, you think.

Antonio Banderas slum it in this one. Oh, man. Before we had, before this, we even get to see the man, there's a very long, I think it's Mark Wahlberg who's like, yo, bro, here's a magazine about our villains. And here's a picture of our villains. And then he turns out and he looks out. And for you in the audience, the ushers are going to be coming down right now to pass off pamphlets about him.

It's the house of Maldano, bro. Atonio hasn't had a taken yet, has he? No. He should. He might... One of those VODs he's been doing might be that. Oh, man, is he slinking in the bat? I didn't know that. I thought he was just pussy boots. No, there's a bunch of VOD shoot with him.

Well, because he was just incredible in the Almodovar movie. Yeah, it was like two years ago? Can he play a cat or... To play a cat now? He played a director with back problems. I only play cats now. You know me. Always in it for the pussy. Come out. Rubin, have me swash a buckle.

I haven't seen it yet, but I assure you that that Puss and Boots to the magical secret kiss or whatever it is called better than this movie. It has to be. It is. Yeah, yeah. You saw it? Oh, yeah. Wow. I get, like, whenever the one, like, all the screeners

are digital now, so they put, like, all of them under one Rubik, so I just had like, I forget what company, I think it was it was DreamWorks and somebody else. But whatever the four was, I just had them. And I was like, what I I don't know what makes you tick, you know. Just wake it up one day and just throwing on.

Eric, this is, this is going to, we do a bad movie show and occasionally I watch movies that I know are going to be bad. Oh, that's true. That might just, you know, there might be a correlation there. I don't know. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your popcorn. But he goes out to Tom Holland, like, hello, I am the villain of the movie. You are the good guy.

How's it go? There's something about, and again, it's like if the trivia is to be believed, what was it? Like, they realized that. Tom Holland and Antonio Banderas never had a scene together in the movies and then they like did this thing. Well, what do you think about being a world-class villain?

Are you the only real evil? Yes, I am. Well, it's funny because he goes to the bar and he's like, can I have a martini? Of course he wants a martini. It's like, oh, yeah, I know. I need to get drunk before I do my job. That's what I do.

Is your father? mother with you Scrooge here? By the way, at very least need to see some ID. Let's add some realism here. Totally. I would also introduce to the other lady who's from

Sabrina the teenage, this sort of dark show. Joe something or other, yes, is on that Sabrina, whatever the Netflix one. Yeah. Yeah, that one. Tati Gabriel is her name playing Joe Braddock. Joe Braddock. I will say she makes a bigger impression than

Chloe does. Yeah. The other lead, Chloe, played by Sophia Ali. I'm sure they're nice people. That's what I'll say. Sophia Ali all over that, Grey's Anatomy. That's when I'm just, yeah, but I mean, like, they don't, this character needs something else. Which is to say something. Because she's just, she's just like the bad guy.

She used to be in it with Mark Wahlberg. She's more of a mercenary type. She seems like the heavy. And it's like, oh, and the spoiler alert, she wants to become the main villain of the movie. She needs something else. Like whether it's... What does she want? Does she want anything?

Exactly. That'd be kind of cool. Thank you. What is the motivation? What is the... I mean, I know it's gold. Someone's... Yeah, no, exactly.

There's just the Ray Winstonian quest for gold. I was lying about being in Jabu. That's what this whole movie is. It is. That's Mark Wahlberg is playing a slelter Ray Winstone from Indiana Jones, the Crystal Skull. Yeah, totally. But you're completely.

right, you have no idea what it is outside of just like greed and manet, man, man, man, but here's the thing, like, fuck those people and fuck those characters and fuck anyone who desires to become an oligarch, you piece of fucking shit. Damn, man, that's what I wanted to be.

Oh, sure, but like I also just like, if it's fine. Again, like, if it's just that shit, then yeah, I do. I'm like, exactly, that's the problem with the movies. I'm like, well, I don't care about this character at all if that's just the thing. And like, even having like a six, sister or something, man.

Yeah. Like any bullshit just to pass us through this. Funding research for an incurable disease. Or she, you know, her family was a rival to Antonio Benderis since a thousand years ago. Anything. That actually makes the most sense. And if the character had like profess something like that, you would be like, oh, yeah, perfect.

Perfect motivation. In the middle of the movie, she kills Antonio Banderas. And I'm like, oh, fuck. That's all I have. Dude, he gets his throat cut. Most pathetic throat cut I've seen in a movie. Yeah. I paused it and I was like, oh,

oh, the movie's not over and now he's just out of it. Oh, shucks. He's in like three and a half scenes. This auction scene. Yes. And then like, I want to buy that gross because that will get me my family's fortune back. Yeah, the speech he makes right before he dies

is kind of like the best part of the movie. because he's got actual, like, passionate and he's like, I could actually this is a character, I'm going to try to make it. And then the movie makes a joke out of silencing that character because he's killed like mid-speech, like, no, no, no, hey, you do some good acting

in this movie, you're getting your throat cut. The movie's got to keep moving, Mr. Bandaris. All right, Mr. Talking Talk, we need a cartoon character you're hit by a car. That's going to happen. There is kind of a funny thing here where so, like, the number two

to this Joe character is this big gruff Scotsman and it's just like this guy is just the most like nothing heavy character but I do appreciate when he's going after Tom Holland and he's really just got a thick

as you can get brogue going and the joke is Tom Holland can't understand what he's saying and the guy's like being very threatening and he's like I'm telling I can't understand a word that it's coming at it pretty funny what did you say what did you say to me

I didn't hear that out of TikTok. I don't know what you're talking about. He gets the shit kicked out of him and like he's like running from these guards and then dangling from the ceiling kind of a spider man kind of move. Exactly. It's all spider manish. And this stuff is like it's totally fine but I didn't like I don't know.

I didn't sign on for a heist movie so I'm like I don't know the trailer showed me like tropic locations and whatnot like when are we getting to any of that? No no we got to get through this stupid shit first like one of the dumbest like how does this even i mean it's uncharted so who cares but mark walberg is trying to outbid Antonio manderos for the cross because he's delaying the shit for the power outage that never comes and then when that doesn't work he turns his jagging inside out or whatever and he's wearing the staff jacket of the place and he just walks up to the stage and takes it

i'm sorry weren't you just bidding on it publicly you have a face yes i've seen that face bidding on this cross. Now I'm handing it to you because you also work here. Well, also, Eric, you missed the scene. I think you might have just had it in a cut out of yours where they turn off all the cameras inside the auction house. Oh, yeah. So like, you can

see very clearly all the stuff that's happening. My eyes are not cameras. Yes, I guess. Those are on during the auction. But like, I at least can see like the auctioneer goes running off the people who were paying attention to him. But like, of course, none of this makes sense because like,

A security at an auction house Is nothing to fucking joke about No, and they all know each other You just can't show up wearing a maroon jacket That's actually really Kind of a big problem with this movie Is the mechanics of the heist stuff Is dumb

It's like not well thought out Not like oh You know what I mean like It's like you're going to shut the power off And I'm going to flip my jacket inside out I'm like well that's not like Exciting or intriguing You know cool high shit is like

inventing a security system and then defeating it with a very specific way problem solving like actual problem solving rather than being like oh I'll turn out no worry

why don't you go over there yell fire and I'll grab it the movie makes it could surf by on charm it does but it doesn't have the juice I completely agree with you guys on all of that

but the other thing that I just and it kind of is the same thing that happens in last week's Jurassic World Dominion is that there are so few legitimate what I'm trying to say

like unexpected obstructions yeah right so like in this scene it doesn't go exactly he doesn't cut the power he's got to jump on the light fixtures and blah blah blah and like it almost goes tits up and then they write the ship the rest of this movie is just like

we got to find this oh I found it yeah what does that thing say well I turn it this way there's no point where they're ever like confused confounded have to turn around need help from someone else it's boom to boom like you are indeed playing the video game but maybe not your first play-through of the video game, you know what I mean?

Well, because the first time out you don't know to jump on the chandeliers and do the jump between them to get away from the Scottish man. Like that's the, and like that to me is like I know it. It's funny, but like I was also like oh my God, the thing that's stopping him, he's Scottish.

And he doesn't know what he's saying. like there's no subtitles on this copy of train spotting there is it is a bit of the Marvel glibness has drifted into this too where we're not taking anything to your point like

that's where the charm would be but it's just sort of like we're too cool for it you know what I mean I think the movie's always just thinking we're going to win you over with the next big movement but then you never pay attention

enough to each one of them that some of all parts just doesn't work it's two versions of that like budding up against each other. It's the Marvel charm sale with the Mark Wahlberg as star charm sale hitting each other and creating absolute like because Mark Wahlberg's whole thing is like masculine shit. And like what would be good and funny here is if you were stupid and fucked up a lot. Which is not like traditionally masculine. Like that's more of a mission impossible thing. Like technology will fail you. People might not. Like that's a difference that you could play with. But they're just like. no, fuck it. We just got to get to the next scene. It is also, I mean, I mean, we do get the next scene, but it is, it is

fascinating that, I mean, because, like, obviously Tom Holland, he's playing the main character of the game. He's the star of the film. It is, you know, it's not unheard of to see Mark Wahlberg riding alongside someone else, but it's also just weird, the amount of times in this movie, Mark Wahlberg just vanishes for minutes on it.

And the whole shit, like, in the sewer, where, you know, we'll get to that, but like, where the movie just leaves him out of it, and he's either on a radio or not, he literally parachutes out of the movie at one point. And then he comes back, I'm like, where was he for an hour? Like, the movie, like, fundamentally does not give a shit about what that character is doing at any point,

you know, because you're looking at Tommy Tom, Tom, which is fine, but like, it's Mark Wahlberg. You used to seeing him have at least some business being in a movie. I think the problem there was he probably thought he was signing up for Call of Duty and he was just like oh bro okay I guess I have to be the old guy then shit getting my games mixed up

bro fuck all right so is it going to be a problem that I'm not Italian I can't jump that high either oh no no no we we hired Chris Pratt to be Super Mario we're fine say what oh man all right so when do I learn how to do the Hadoca how do I do

is it is it is you going to put a fire I'm going to put a tube up my shirt. Oh, do I do. Now, bro, you got to tell me something. Do I have to gain weight again to play Kirby? All right, shit. Let me, just let me ask you this. Is it going to, is the adaptation going to have the guts to have our characters doing

animalities? Because that's what I signed up for, bro. I wanted to turn into a tiger. Look, I'll do it. But if it's the swimming level from the first one, I'm not being the Ninja Turtle getting electrocuted by the seaweed. Actually, you know what? They should get Walbert to be Luigi.

Don't even try to even come close to it. If you've got Pratt as Mario, go with the most non-Italian voice you got. They're doing Charlie Day as Luigi. Also not Italian. I don't like this. So they wind up, like they now have the cross. They have to go to Italy or no, is Spain, Madrid? Yes.

Barcelona. Barcelona. Close enough. I don't remember. This movie just washed over me in an awesome way. It is bad. Speaking of flying Bartholona just really quickly, this movie can fucking flush itself down the toilet again

because we are doing the Indiana Jones map with the plane. Man, fucking, dude, that's called a homage. It's called Stealing. Yeah, bro, we're going to do a home age. You, are you ready for it? Mr. Chott, I hummaged the bracelet off that lady. Wow, I get a homage of a movie that came out way before I was born.

Can you imagine it? I'm so small and young. You're welcome for your homage. I just can't with this fucking kid. But so we meet Chloe, who is another operative working with Sully. vaguely. Sully definitely dated and probably fucked Joe, but we're not sure about

Chloe. Yes. Yeah. They definitely very clearly fuck him and Joe. He and Joe have fucked. I think Walberg's character fuck Chloe's sister. That was it. Okay. I got your sister, but I never got my hands on you. Sully. So this ends up just being such

fucking dog shit, right? Because she's got the other cross that they need to use his keys to unlock secret cabinets. I don't know. She steals the two keys at one point. There's a big rooftop chase and whatnot. Yes, the roughtop chase. That's what I'm getting at it's because it's like it's this, this happens a lot in movies where it's like you meet someone that's

going to be your ally, but are, oh, oh, they're not. We're going to have to fight each other. And then guess what? At the conclusion of the battle, we're working together. Yep. Got to work it out. Got to work out through fight. This movie actually is even worse with that because it keeps happening.

Like, she double crosses him no. less than three times in the movie. Well, she was just lying about being a jabu! And it's just like, could we commit to something, please? So what effect? Like, your goal in this is to get like $7 billion. Yes. Does it matter if you have to split

in a little bit? What is the difference? Guess what? There's no material difference between $7 billion and $2 billion or even $1 billion. It's all horseshit. Like at the beginning then when he's like, well, uh, Mr. Schart, I thought we were, we're going to

do this 50-50, right? and Walberg's like, 50, 50, what are you fucking kidding me? And I'm like, who cares? What does it fucking matter? 3.5, are you going to, are you trying to buy Twitter? Like, what do you need all these billions for? You'll never have to do literally anything again your whole life and neither will your descendants. Yep.

Or, and your descendants and send it. And somehow, that's just not good enough. It's not enough. I just don't. Oh, shit. Interesting tweet. Interesting. Wow.

We'll have to look into it. Well, we'll start. And Twitter. Twitter green because it's Boston Which Twitter will only take place in Boston You can have a Twitter green A Twitter white or a Twitter orange You can just do whatever you like

And the Twitter white, it's so great Because instead of a little blue checkmark It's a little white communion wafer You have to prove Catholic allegiance Before being verified on Twitter white Twitter White's also where you get the race science, bro. Phenology links. Now, but make sure to look at my beautiful Christian yoga site.

Oh, yeah, dude, the meditation. Oh, that's what his app was, right? Oh, yeah, you could pay. Dude, dude, pay to pray. It's awesome. I mean, that is, it is a truly offensive scam, especially because you're praying on Catholics. They're paying to pray anyway.

Oh, shit, bro. I reinvented indulgences. oh is praying not working for you try meditation the other thing yeah you didn't pay enough for that prayer God'll hear if you give me 20 bucks but it's great so they have a big stupid chase

then they're like all right let's plan the big thing tomorrow when we go to the museum or the church and they and I mean like just doing having to do anything the next day but getting smashed on red wine the night before nothing's happening I'm like

I don't see them eating I don't see cruditates they're just going through bottles of red wine It's a tant and they'll fucking put you down It's insane And there's a weird thing Like right at the start of it

Where Nate, I don't even think we've said it, Nate Drake is Tom Holland's character's name He's just chugging this shit And my whole thing is like What is the motivation for this chug? Is he stressed out of about the brother is he trying to loosen up around the girl like they don't really

dealer's choice to you while he's yeah i mean it's just and you have you have oh man do you ever have the sully character being like whoa bro you might want to slow down on that because it's a vintage bupah bupah and i was like i don't think so no no sir no thank you oh dude i would more believe mark walberg playing a character explaining brain surgery to me than i would what is what i don't even know what booze is bro what what you talk oh whoa whoa whoa whoa wine bro that's like what gay beer disgusting what you're going to look gay beer for why don't you just get to straight beer i love straight beer

just yeah just we're stopping this movie dead to just pound some vino dude i at least under i can i can imagine tom holland and chloe being able to get over this the next day the idea of mark wall Wahlberg seeing sunlight after a night like this and not going vampire and just bursting into flames is insane to me. Like he shouldn't be able to do anything. They show like no fewer than five bottles of wine consumed between the three. That's that's it.

It's really hard. Mark Wahlberg ain't going anywhere. Yeah, you got to go to the Barcelona shop and get whatever they call vitamin water over there, man. Totally. The weirdest part. Vitamo. Which is sort of something like, again, if you want to do a movie that is not Spider-Man, right? Not for that, for general audience, but specifically not in the Disney.

You're out of the mouse's house, dude. You just want to escape that mold. Why isn't he fucking Chloe ever? Why don't they, like, there's like three to four times. Oh, because it's a movie. We don't do that in movies. It's crazy. They don't know.

Because that would also add to the complication of how many times. Like, maybe not in this scene because they're just getting to know each other. But later, when he's doing all that stuff with the... They're sharing a bed. They're sharing as a bed and they don't... That was something. But they're doing... shifts in the back.

Stephen, you're disgusting. You can't, you don't think that a man and a woman could just be friends after daring adventures do? Well, they aren't mommies or daddies. That's the problem. Yeah, so they don't, they get married in a Mark Wahlberg sanctioned church, so therefore they can't find it. It's just totally nuts.

I mean, your hetero obsessiveness is just too much for me, Stephen. I'm going to be out of here now. You should. It's just, it's so like, you know what I mean? Like, it's, if you're trying to make. this brand new, and I'm sure whatever this character at the video game is like, hey, I'm bedded sexy ladies. And again, he doesn't

have to be a fucking manor, but like they have a relationship. It would progress the movie in an interesting way if they had any stakes in terms of fucking. They're both 18. Like, just fucking have sex, you idiots. I mean, yeah, there was another

something about the lack of. Remember to wrap it up. Well, I mean, here's the thing. Mr. Stark, she took a shirt off. What do I do? I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. But like he... Can I get an Iron Man suit here to put clothes on her? This girl's just like, why are you talking to your watch?

Oh, wrong movie. I'm just going to run away. That's the best idea. I'm trying to make a metal suit slap to your body so we wouldn't have to see each other. But it's, I just remember where I was going with this, is that, you know, he's a character who's like, I'm not sure if my brother's dead or alive or what's going on with this mission. It's so crazy. you know, darings do.

Like you said, Chris, we just have this crazy adventure today in Barcelona and going through all these things and whatever, like, I just need to feel something. You know what I mean? Well, is it because, like, I can I only have sex?

I can only have sex when I know that Sam's alive. Then I'll be able to bone you. Maybe. That's the promise he made to his brother. In the first scene with him flirting with the girl, I'm like, oh, wow, it's like a movie where a man might flirt with a woman or a woman like with a man.

He's goofy and, you know, we're 50-50 and if there was a potential N-word joke going on, sure, but you're right. He's flipping stuff behind a bar. He's trying to chat up a girl. He wants to fuck this lady. That's okay in this world is for two people who are of age

that want to fuck. He needs to go into the indie world and do something. And when he goes to the indie world, avoid. Well, that Indiana Jones, but yeah, indie movie. I was going to say he just has to avoid.

the fucking Russo brothers because that's pseudo-indy well that's the thing is like you know not indie by aesthetic you know just a real movie exactly my production Tom was actual movie Tom Holland in an Andrew

Buzolsky picture let's get it go honestly let's have it do it whatever so like they then they're in the church it's very similar to Last Crusade they make a well it's not a joke in Last Crusade

crusade. It's a Raiders joke, but it happens here when he's like, nuns. Why is it always nuns? You can't do that and say Indiana Jones. Oh, wait. That's from that's from Raiders? Yes. Oh, snakes. Snakes. Oh, nuns. Why does it always have to be nuns? That was a famous line from Bad Lieutenant. Excellent. You set me right up to that. Oh, they're actually making, they're making you know they're making a remake of Bad Lieutenant with

this is probably the indie movie that you guys Tom Holland it's called Baby Lieutenant The fucking Mitch let me down again He's decided the case of baby driver And he has to pull over the baby driver The fucking Mitch It's always the fucking Mets The fucking Little League he kills himself

For this one Baby Lieutenant It's adorable Oh baby lieutenant It's a whole different kind of dance The dick is small on purpose. We can't forget, you know, in the middle of all this just action-packed shit. Oh, yeah.

Sexy, globetrotting, international, you know, whatever. Also in Spain is the Moncata Foundation headquarters where there is a subplot that takes two seconds to get through. And I'll tell you right now, Anthony Banderas, rich family, not as rich as they could have. been, if you're to believe history or whatever. His old man has decided that he wants to give away all the money from the company and you know, you can't take it with you

so yada yada, Antonio Benderas pissed off about that. And then he murders his father or has a Joe murder his father in a car end of that plot. Who cares? Phenomenal. That's the movie I was more interested in because apparently this fucking family is bank rolling Franco. They were bankrolling.

It was like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's a real dropped line. it's kind of a funny thing because I looked up the actor who plays this dad just like this nothing role and he's a fellow who has done like a ton of TV in Spain and stuff and just like has been working for a really

long time like in the business over there and I just felt so bad for him because you got to figure he's like cool I'm in this Mark Wahlberg movie like a big Hollywood oh what is it oh I'm working with legendary Spanish actor Antonio Bandareth like come on

Can you? Hey, hey, Antonio, yeah. It's fantastic. You're unbelievable work. Could you get Amadavar to do anything for me? Like literally, even if he has some banking information that I could, you know, I know the pandama papers have been a while now. So now they have two crosses. They have to go in two different directions. Mark Wahlberg is going on his way. Chloe and Nate are going to go their own way. Mark Wahlberg, I swear to God, I paused it. You've got to be fucking kidding. Because he's in Barcelona. and it's in the background first and I'm like well that's such such and I pause this is a big Papa John sign and I'm like oh of course they somehow weaseled in product placement of this stupid movie

how ridiculous let me now continue with the rest of the sequence and then he goes in and it's an action sequence inside a Barcelona Papa John's that line right yeah he's like I'm in a Papa John's literally I can't believe it Oh, my God.

Speaking of the N-word, by the way. Yeah, totally. I mean, I got my buddy's pizza place in the movie. I thought that's what you were talking about. I mean, it's just like, I don't know, man. Really? There's a Papa John's in this right next to this fucking 600-year-old church or whatever you're doing. I mean, I guess since it made so much money, it does deserve to go up there in the pan.

There's certain product placements in history. They're just beyond anything else I can conceive of. I turn to the World War Z Pepsi at the end of World War Z's incredible. But also Red Dawn remake, the Subway Sandwich thing where a sandwich artist that they literally say like whatever, it's like sandwich artist or something. Yeah, they are Subway sandwich artist. He literally is like, sandwich artist, make that movie. Make that sandwich with like a gun in his fit. Oh, no, I wouldn't call them to their face a sandwich.

He's doing that as well. This is on the Mount Rushmore now because there is, it's like, it's a Papa John's, but then there's a wall with glass on it that has an artifact. Because it's like such a historical building that the Papa Johns is in now. Yeah. That, how dark is that? They have that glass sheet there and he eventually gets into a fight with, I think, what Joe Joe shows up here, throws her through the glass, which is pretty cool.

Oh, yeah. It's a big, like, picking her up over his head and just tossing this assassin. Tom Holland and the Chloe there, they used their cross to open some lever on just like a hutch. Yeah. Like a piece of furniture that I'm so glad no one has ever moved in thousands of years. This stuff is just all out in the open. The hutch has already happened, but it's ridiculous because it is just like in this church basement. And yeah, I had the same thought actually, dude. I was like, no one ever had to move this to vacuum or anything.

I forgot that they're drowning in a Papa John. Yes. They're drowning underneath the popajuns because, like, they turn the key again in this other part. And then all this fountain that Mark Wahlberg is standing next to drains down into this area. It'd be amazing if they're like drowning. Oh, my God, that smells like shit. Okay. Oh, my God, that smells like shit.

Oh, my God, that fucking butter garlic sauce. Oh, my God, I'd rather be dead. I can't breathe either way. No oxygen's getting in. Those aren't chicken wings. Those aren't chicken wings. How's the air spicy, it's disgusting. Oh, God.

I'd rather, no, I'm going to drop. Oh, God. It's such a pepper chini right in my mouth. Oh, my God. I tried to breathe through my nose, and I inhale a bunch of red pepper flakes. Oh, my God. His blood type's now mariner.

Ooh. I am literally in a Papa John's right now. the line. It is so fucking oof. Jesus Christ. So yeah, he throws this woman through a bulletproof glass wall or whatever. Put his part of the key in there, whatever the fuck turns

that and saves them, it drains out and whatnot. And the movie continues. Then they're in a chamber with all this salt things. And for the second time in the movie, she knocks him out and steals the

treasure man. Which, yes, it's a treasure map. They thought the gold would be there. No, it's just the map to the gold. When they unroll this map, I think it should instantly dissolve. Yes. Oh, my God. They're touching the Papa John's fingers, man. You got that garlicy butter sauce all over it, man.

Yeah, if those, I mean, if those things react, it might actually cause your skin to melt off. Just to feel the two things together. Oh, shit. I figured out why we never found the treasure. There was a piece of pepperoni on the map. It covered up the spot. Oh, that's embarrassing.

Now it's just imprinted on the bottom of a slice. So she works, now she's working with Antonio Benderas because she's a double agent big time. And before she, like, fucks off there. She's like BTW. Your brother's totally dead. Ask Mark Wahlberg about that. Oh, right.

Yes. Because the plan was like, hey, your brother was lost somewhere. Let's go find him while we go on this treasure hunt. Yes. Well, this was also, a fucking Tom Hall and little Drake here. he fucked up big time because it was Mark Wahlberg was like Yeah bro I know your brother

Here's this blurry picture on my phone He's got like catfish to do it Yeah I was like there's three He's like here are some medical records That are definitely accurate I kept hanging out with your brother But he would never turn his camera on I don't know

He said it was broken No I never went to his house But yeah so you know There's this weird thread that has you know been coming up every time Joe gets screwed over by Sully and Nate, you know, she has to go back to Antonio Banderas and it's like, I'm giving

you one more chance. But this time she comes back and she's like, we're pretty sure that the so-and-so's got the whatever, and then Chloe comes out. And Antonio Banderas is like, oh well, of course a businessman such as myself takes out an insurance policy.

I hired you both at the same time. Wow. So, so good. A cat a fight Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, cat fight Yeah, yeah, see, cat fight You're not into it? I figured

While we were here, I figured I'm paying a lot of money I could see a cat fight Just a little, please I got a lot of men here They've been away from their wives for a while I played a cat if I join in It's still a cat fight

It's a cat fight It is such fucking horseshit though because, again, this whole idea of, like, there's a problem and we either skate right by it or we forget that it's a problem at all happens here because Tom Holland completely dresses down Mark Wahlberg like in that salt chamber and he's like, you lied to me, you gave me hope that my brother was still alive when you knew he wasn't. Go fuck yourself. I'm done with you. Literally the next scene, he's like, all right, Mr. Chart. We will finish this mission. And then I swear to God, I'm done with you. I'm like, oh, Well, I'm glad the movie's back on track after four seconds of conflict, excellent. Well, then I guess it's time for you to meet Mrs. Chart, bro. Here's my lady friend. Mrs. Chart.

She gets charted every night. He gets, we stow away on their plane. This is when Antonio Banderas is killed. Here's the thing about that. It drove me nuts. So we're on the airstrip and Sully and Nate are like spying behind. some crates, and they're like, oh, that's clearly we got to get on there and whatever. And Antonio Banderas makes such a stink about this is my favorite car I have ever purchased.

Listen, in a movie, if a character tells you that a car is important to them, that character needs to indeed live long enough to see that car destroyed. And so I'm picturing like they're going to fuck up his car. He's going to be really pissed off. It's going to be a funny thing. He is dead way before the, you know, before the fucking. car flies out the back of the plane why even take the car to some island like what is going on like

just come back and put it a lot yeah you're like you're never going to go back to Barcelona no this car travels the world with me you see I never leave home by my best friend apologies this is a transformer this is my wife Eloise the sports car

transformer I have another one back home my friend boombox I love you Luis. I do love in his he's like he's saying to the guy like there's some like it's kind of funny because he's just some like military looking security guard guy

and he's like you there you make sure that nobody touches my car you get this car on board safely and I'm like all right cool and then we do get because he's Antonio Banderas I love his voice I love when I can just sweetly hear him speak even just a lick a Spanish he goes

Vamanos. You get a really good Antonio Banderas Vamanos going to like, now we're getting somewhere. And then he doesn't even drive it. He just wipes it with a diaper. No, this, I do. I agree with you, Andrew. It's not, it's not Chekhov's gone. It's Jupin's Corvette. You need to do this. I mean, this is something that Glass Onion, as much as I'm not a fan, understood. Sure. In, in the meta, you have to ruin the car. It has to happen. But it's just, and then he's dead. And it's like, here's Joe, who is a fine, you know, fighting action

character, but they never set up anything else. And actually, like, now I'm running the show. I'm like, are you? And here's the thing, she's got the Scottish guy, and then there's another fella. Sure. And that's like her team of dudes, but then everybody else is working for

Antonio Banderas, and when she cuts his throat, which like, there's no blood or anything by the fucking piss poor. Piss poor throat. It's not fun. Jason Vorty's rolling over and is great. It's watery grave. Well, it's crazy. Antonio Banderas must be dehydrated. to have, like, no blood in his body.

Yeah, like, it's all coagulated already. That would have been just, like, if they don't show it when they do it, but then, like, every time you go back, there's just a growing puddle of blood all over this plane. Sure, yeah, maybe Spider-Man slips and falls in it. Oh, no. Oh, man, a good blood slip and fall, good Halloween, too. I'm in traction.

I'm a back. So, like, they reveal themselves, this is, and this is where you entered the movie, right? this great action sequence. A big dumb gunfight, they start dropping the cargo stuff off of the plane and then yes, we are at the start of the movie which made me think

oh boy, we are at the ending. No, we are not. No, we are not at all. The only thing you get from this is you see the same opening sequence play out from the opposite direction also so you know that it's like Chloe is fighting with all the people and is

responsible for all this stuff falling out of the back of the plane and then She is indeed the one driving the car who is driving the car that he gets hit with at the beginning of the moment. And they are both falling together. And like they are just communicating clear as a bell all they're falling. You go that way. I'll go this way.

Look, you're falling. You're open. Wait, okay. I've got this parachute. We're going to follow me. We're going to get to this cargo thing. And when you're there and yes, we're falling 700 miles an hour. Yeah.

Yep. There's so much wind you can't. Your ears are pop probably. Yeah. Remember to open the parachute on this. It's ridiculous. A full conversation happened. I was waiting for him to be like,

hold on. I just got to whisper something to you really quickly. I love you. That'd be romance, Chris. Get that fucking out of here. I'm trying to work it up. I couldn't believe with though. Eric, you already said the line. But when she just casually, like they're free falling in this car.

And she's like, hey, follow me. And just air swims away? No, no, no, no, no. You can't follow me? Okay. It's insane. And this is a great place to bring it up

because it is the first thing that you see at the beginning of the movie so I noticed it right away. Holy crow, you guys, the piss poor computer effects in this movie. It's bad.

I mean, like, normally like our complaint about stuff like, you know, I had some beef with Avatar with like the high frame rate and the argument is always what? It looks like a video game. Well, shit, man.

If any movie should be, looking like a video game. It's one made out of a video game and this one can't even muster that. It's got the actual like thing that's happening looks okay but whenever you see a person like a CGI person in this thing I'm just like no this is just

don't look at the outline around the body like where you where like the green screen you know connects with the with the flesh you know like because it's just it's fuzzy none of it is sharp there's parts where like you know there's standing, I think it's like when the brother

jumps out the window at the beginning of the movie it's almost like, because it's against like a night background but it's so bad. You can see there's the thinnest of little green like around his, like it is I don't know, I mean this movie they were trying to make for a long time. They shot it in

2020 like height of COVID and everything but like were you really rushing to get the uncharted movie out? Like let's pump some bucks. Get it up by fucking February by the way. That's in this movie. That's why I made some money Yeah, nothing else

It goes to Spider-Man in a movie So they land And this is when the I hate it I hate when I know there's a cameo in a movie When I don't even know who the cameo is Sure do And it's just and I knew immediately

Where they land They walk up the beach And some guys are like What happened to you two? And he's like well we fell out of a plane And then she hit me with a car And he's like Sounds like something that happened to me once

and A, I'm throwing up. And then he has to do the, hey, good luck. You know what? I'm giving the thumbs up. Who is this guy? This is Nolan North, the guy who does the voice and, uh, yeah. Oh, because I was like, who the fuck is? I had no idea, but I'd look it up, but I knew immediately like that's something, something, something.

I thought it was like, I thought it was like someone I should have recognized. Scott Atkins. That would have been something. Dude, actually would have been way better in this movie. Oh, are you kidding me? Yeah. Get Scott Atkins into Walberg character. We're already two stars up.

Or make him fucking replace fucking Spider-Man. Oh, yeah, if you want to make a movie. It's time to upgrade some of these video on demand folks up to the majors. Atkins should have been in there for a while. Scott Atkins deserves a promotion. Yes. Get Scott Adkins in movies that may have a pub's length chance to hit a theatrical screen. That might be nice.

Try it. Just give him one. Just give him one. He's fucking great. Just try it. James Cameron, try it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, Cameron might get him to be one of the, I don't know, the fire Navi or whatever we're going to get in the third or fourth one. Dude, we're going through all the elements now, man, I can't wait for the wind Navi. They're just going to be farting through that whole movie.

Maybe he could take a break and make an actual movie. No, no, no, that won't be happening, Eric. It's all Navi. The fire navv, they live in the volcanoes or something. To hear Cameron tell it, people are beating this door down for these avatar movies. He's like, I just think about all the movies I could have made. but my commitments to Avatar. I'm like, you made those commitments. No one, if Avatar 2, you know, I still haven't seen it.

If Avatar 2 never came out, people would just be like, oh, Avatar was a really fun movie. I wish there was a sequel. And you could have made whatever. It's not like, oh my God, Jim wins Avatar. I like Avatar 2. I will go see Avatar 3,

but if you could just make just one-off, you know, old school. A little spy jaunt or something. What about a werewolf movie? Cameron will wear a wolf movie. I think you're only, I, this, I don't, I don't want to be a aesthetic here, but I don't, I don't think you're going to get that until he finishes at least the seventh avatar. So when he is 93 years old, we're not going to get it. We're not going to get it. Is what I'm saying. He's going to be going down like the Titanic by 93. And you don't

even know. Once he gets to the sixth one, he might be like, hey, add three more onto it. Let's just fucking do it. Just to prove everybody wrong. Just to be like, no, look, I will make money. You don't think I'm going to make money. I'm going to make fucking money. They make money. Well, that's all that matters in life, isn't it? It is. So this resort that they wash up on Tom Holland, I think, are we to believe he steals the voice actor's wallet? Oh, I miss that part. Because he gets them a room at the hotel. I thought it was Walbergs, but maybe I'm wrong. Oh, she has some line about like, how could you steal a one? And he's like, well, we got to get into the room. And then this is where they have a sexless

night's sleep. Let's get down to puzzling. Yep. We got to figure out these postcards, dude, and we're rearranging and it's like a real deal. We'll sleep in shifts. Yep. So we can keep working on the puzzle. Well, yeah, so make sure human bodies never get close enough for even anything. Okay. So I'm

going to keep on jerking off for six hours straight. Then you switch off and you start masturbating. We'll just go back and forth. And that's how we have sex. And let me tell you, Dan. That would be at least something. There are there are ways to make research interesting to watch on the screen. Look at like one of the best screenplays

of the last however long Zodiac. So much of that movie is Jake G sifting through shit and whatnot and you cannot look away. It's compelling as fuck. This shit, man, they are just, they're moving them around like a little cup and ball game. Hand up over here. Oh, yeah, Chris Gavin. The Zodiac was directed by David Finchie. This is directed by Ruben Zambi land Fleischer. I don't think he's got the, I don't think he's got the stock.

He really don't. He certainly does not. No, I don't really think he's got it. And then he realized, oh, if I do the thing with the fire. Oh. And that's the old thing. Like the old, we did it as kids. You write something in lemon juice and then you heat it up. It's kind of hilarious because it's like, oh, the compass,

the keys of the compass, let alone, let's not even pretend that this guy would know that he would have both keys, all that stuff. Leave that alone. He puts these keys on. It reminded me so much. of that part of the Simpsons when it's like, well, there's no pattern for the, the cat burglar, but if we move this,

that, oh my God, it looks like an arrow. Oh my God, it's leading right here. Let's get out of here. Because it's like compass here, compass here. If I spit him around, maybe they're pointing at this island. And there it is. So then he writes down the wrong coordinates. Yes.

And then goes to sleep. And it's her shift and she's clocking in. Yes. And she just takes it. and you basically she's out of the movie kind of completely. She's totally out of the movie

which is kind of insane. Like she's been the romantic lead, you know, the whatever like she's and like we're supposed to sympathize with the story with her father. Like you know much more about her than you do about Joe for sure. Yeah.

Like oh my father did this, that. The other thing he left me. That's why I'm so cold in a movie. Then at the end she should either redeem herself and die or redeem herself and live. Like that's those are the two options you have.

But she has to redeem herself some way or go triple down and she's the super evil villain of the movie. Yes. Which is the third direction. But to have her just like, he's like, hey, I sent that girl to another part just for the boys now.

It's like cool. I mean, but she was a huge part of this movie. Yeah. I get where you're coming from, Steve. But I mean, you want all this romance and stuff. But you wouldn't feel that palpable friendship. You have. the partnership and how palpable and meaningful it is.

Blistering friendship. It's just, you know, it captivates you their friendship. So Tom Holland goes to the fucking boats and then... By the way, look at your clock. It's been 20 minutes since you've seen Mark Wahlberg. He's coming back right now. He's got used Papa John. But that's, we didn't mention it though, but he parachutes out of that plane.

And because his whole thing is like, you just get out, however you get out, bro. Every man for themselves. kind of a thing. So he's literally parachutes at the back of that plane and is gone for like 25 minutes. Yes. And then it's like Tom Holland finds the cave with all, with the two boats.

The cave of forgotten dreams. Yes. Cave of forgotten movie plot. And then the gold is hidden in these barrels. Walt Wahlberg shows up because the call back to some earlier joke where you have too many apps open or whatever. Oh right. There was a tracking app that he installed so Mark Wahlberg could find them when

they were in the sewer. So he tracked them through the app so he's there now and he's very excited that there's gold he turns into a boo the monkey from aladdin oh boy the cold all this gold absolutely there's also a really dumb thing when tom holland walks into the cave and he sees the boats he goes we did it sam we did it and i was like we did what man up until like 30 minutes ago you hated your brother for leaving you you were under no idea that there was a mission you were you know what i mean like yeah we didn't start this movie and he was like um Nate the treasure hunter and me and my brother always always wanted to treasure, like, that dumb

scene at the beginning with the map in the museum does not cut it. You haven't seen them since you were 10 and that was two years ago. Did you talk about gold when you guys saw the map where you always like, oh, what we're going to do is we're going to get super rich off of all this shit. It's not going to be about the adventure. It's going to be all the gold.

And Joe shows up and they hide and this is what both boats are on the helicopter. This is where it's getting really stupid. She's airlifting these. like centuries old boats they would turn to sand the second you did anything to them also just take the gold and leave and it's like no surprise at the end of the movie the philippine government is showing up i'm glad they kept that in because you're flying fucking boats around totally it's kind of

uh hi look at yeah it's kind of a national security risk and the dumbest line is she's like all right gentlemen i want to make sure there's no these boats are priceless if you put a hole on my boat I put a hole in you. I'm like, you're going to strap these things? It's all holes. It's already holes. Who are you selling these boats to? And that, again, you know, how much do you need? Yes. It would make more sense if she had a shrink ray and put these boats in a bottle.

Yes, you're totally right. And then was going to re-undrink them later. Hell yeah. I'll tell you very easy how you make this make sense, is you get a cupa on each one of these fucking flying ships. Oh, yeah. Then this is making a lot more sense. I mean, they're doing like when he finds the ships it's kind of a Goonies moment when they've done. Absolutely.

But like, yeah, this just was the most Pirates of the Caribbean I think I ever felt. And you know why? Because he calls him, hey, Captain Jack Sparrow, cool it already. And we are fighting guys on these boats. People are being knocked off into the water. Oh,

oh, but you know what? For like 90% of those dudes that get knocked off the boat, no visual confirmation that they fell anywhere because they're not showing you any of this. Like, I want to watch these dudes. There's one guy later that we hear hit a rock.

And speaking of Cameron, there definitely is this movie's equivalent of propeller guy from Titanic because there's one dude that falls and he nails like a mast on one of the boats and just gets covered in wood splinter. One of the helicopter pilots that Mark Wahlberg subdues. We don't have to

go through this whole helicopter. No, no. The one I would want to mention is that they, you know, they dispatch all the guys. Like, Mark Lulberg was, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to take care of the helicopter. You stay down here on the boat. And again, like, if you're trying, if you, Tom Holland, want to make a movie wherein you're a grown man, you can't be like, I'm playing pirate on the ship by myself. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, you're fucking like supposed to be 27 years old doing this shit.

Dude, and that's what does prompt the, hey, Jack Sparrow down there. What the fuck are you doing, bro? Baby lieutenant. That's who does that. Baby lieutenant. Not, not, not. Well, Captain Baby find some gunpowder. It's a good idea to try to use one of these cannons.

Yeah. Shoots the Scotsman's. Yeah. Dude, I got to say the one thing about this movie that I was like, okay, that guy gets a horrendous death. Yes. And then Joe just minutes later has a boat fucking fall on her. And that is, well, chef's kiss,

exquisite expression there. That's a good way to kill somebody by dropping a ship on them. I think that's a really top of the list, I would say. And these ships, they fall in the water and they start, they're still seaworthy. Like, no, dude, they would shatter it to dust. How do all the

sales pop open? Yes. Like, that's complicated, that's complicated even with a crew. Yes. And even with a ship that is not 600 years old that has been in a fucking wet cave for that entire time. At least the one, when it touches the water, it eventually sinks, like, within seconds, which is something.

And then the other one just falls. But, yeah, you're just like, I mean, there's parts where these boats, because they're, like, knocking into things. They're, like, piloting through, like, Beggers Canyon and the boats bashing against the wall. I was just waiting for one of them to, like, get the twist, like, go all the way. Oh, you got to go around. All right. Shake it this way.

Yeah, totally. Someone's, like, getting dizzy and just vomiting. I don't believe it. It's still intact. Even though it hit three. rock formations. The ship is still intact. And so if there were not the two obnoxious stinger scenes, I would say kind of props to this movie for no like six

months later, showing how we spent the money or whatever. I do appreciate. Tom Holland kept some gold like, oh, Ben, we're rich, it's amazing. End of. Pan of it. Start some fucking rock tune. Dude, some Van Halen on the soundtrack could have helped quite a bit. Really would have helped. I mean, Joe first gets hit with the bag of gold, right? That's how they knock her down. That's how she falls off the ship before they drop the ship on her.

Like she's the wicked witch of the east. It's great. It's great. These two stingers, man. It's the first one. You know what? The other day I was at the gym and I watched the end of Rocky 1. Nice.

Into the beginning of Rocky 2. And it really solidified something for me. You never need to set up a sequel ever. The end of Rocky one happens, which is, you know, and Rocky is its own thing. And like, it is very clear, like, you know, it goes to his decision and Rocky goes to Apollo, like, it could it be no rematch.

I'm sorry, Apollo goes to say, ain't going to be no rematch. And Rocky says, don't want one. And then the end of the movie, it's like looking for Adrian. He's done the whole thing. He's completed his character journey. And then in the next movie, the beginning of the movie, Rocky, Apollo just goes crazy. Like, I want a rematch right now.

And you can just do that. that in any movie you want. Just always know whenever that movie ends, the movie is over, you want to complete a movie. And then the next time, all you need to do is write three lines of dialogue to get you a sequel. It doesn't take anything

more than that. Exactly. You know, well, I mean, you say that, but then they did all that work at the end of Batman 89 to set up that the penguin was coming. All that. They really put a lot of... Leaves the collard card and dirty fish. That's the thing, too. man, the fucking the Joker

calling card. No, I know the Joker will be in the next movie or he won't. Either he will or he won't. When I see the poster that says the Joker is in it, I'll go fucking see it. I don't need to be excited for a sequel. A sequel will either happen by merit or not. And the Nolan thing is

you know, very much at fault with this too. Like, because I mean, the whole obsession of things being trilogy. Yes, and we just got to lead and just continue the story. No. You don't man you just don't like it's batman uh at the end of fucking batman returns oh merry christmas alfred yeah fucking merry christmas uh master wayne has been you know bless all men

and women yeah fucking great catwoman staring up with the thing great it's not like then the fucking riddler's dancing out or harvey dent gives a business card nothing you know what at your next job review uh listener when your boss is like you know uh i'm gonna give you a three here because you didn't do this to all that was like oh no i've been saving it for next year. It's going to be really excited. No, no, wait for the next year. Doing a job performance set up. Exactly. The sequel, the next year's job is going to be so, no, because your fucking job

is to do something. It's a cliffhanger. I'm going to do the rest of the work next year. So, yeah, the first stinger is Sam is still alive. And this is my favorite kind of sequel set up, which is, oh boy, do we not have anyone cast to actually play this brother? Because we don't know if we're going to get a second movie. So it is a dude in a wig with his head fucking down in this jail cell

like the whole time. It's probably Ruben Fletcher dude. Hi there. Filled it in his garage. Writing postcards. Nate, I don't know if these are making it to you because they're definitely not because I'm in a foreign prison. What am I even writing? And also where am I getting these posts? Are they prison

postcards? At the prison commissary you can get a toothbrush and postcards. Well, we saw that that church that they explored was selling postcards literally like feet from the altar. The front page is like the front of it, it's like, visit beautiful gulag. Dear Nate, I heard there is a famous rapper now named Drake.

I hope it is you. Please pay and please pay and get me out of this hellhole. Follow up. Dear Nate, as someone in the jail with me was able to confiscate in a magazine here, I now know you are not the rapper known as Drake. It's sad because I was going to ask why you start beef with push a tea. but the raptors and not the Celtics bro and then so the second stinger

where people who were in the movie appear here is we're on another it's a it's a sullinated adventure and we're actually looking like the video film like six months later absolutely absolutely and he's got the mustache right he finally has the mustache

is the guy from Game of Thrones the bad guy I believe it is yeah yeah yep which he's he's good in this stinger like you could have been a presence he would have been a villainous presence exactly but no dude you wouldn't want to do that

in this movie oh my god that'd be so fucking stupid save the real movie for next time this is this movie just stole a bracelet off of me and it's like if you want it back come to the next movie exactly but yeah I mean this dude who did play urine Greyjoy on GOT

is also Pilu Asbeck is this guy's yeah I thought it was Alfie Allen no Pueu That's beyond. Yes. And so, you know, this guy, yeah, looks like a villain. And if I'm remembering the name is right, he works for like a big villain from the game. They're saying some name repeatedly. I forget that. But yes. I like this golden gun he's got. Which is a game. Got to get me one of those. Single shot, dude. Not Christopher Lee, sadly. Yeah. But yeah, it's just like a little bit of a standoff here. And then dumb walk out like, oh my God. And like we don't. see what they're looking at because again there's no... I'm guessing it's... Is that the devil?

It's the devil. It's just like quick. It's the Belize army shooting them to death. Would thou like to live deliciously? Dude, it's a fucking black coat. The camera like whips around and it's like, oh, bro, I'm staring at the Columbia Pictures

parking lot. Don't worry. Everything's fine. We're in sunny Los Angeles. Do you want to point out, because we mentioned this dude before. And I think actually when we mentioned him on Kenobi, we mentioned that he also worked on this, but this was shot by Chung Hun Chung, who shot Canobi and last night in Soho, handmade and Stoker. So the worst work of his career here.

They mostly look good. So good on him on that one. Yeah. It's, you know, I just, I just wanted to get that out. He's a talented cinematographer. But that is the end of Uncharted. To go around here, some final thoughts. Chris Cabin. Oh, yeah, I wish I unviewed this. Was that a letterbox? Yeah, indeed. I didn't review this, I think, on a letterbox. But anyway, yeah, I don't like this. I don't think, I kind of don't want these two things mixing.

This is not a sweet and sour thing. Like having Mark Wahlberg's like brusque, like adventure, like tough guy stuff plus this like, like Disney adventure kind of stuff. Like, it doesn't mix right. something's off about it. And the thing I like about both gets wiped out in the mix. So, like, I just end up with nothing. And I'm just watching Tom Holland and Mark fucking Walberg jaw at each other.

It's just not worth it. Eric Siska. Yeah, you can watch any Indiana Jones movie and have a better time, including the badder ones. You know what I mean? And also, you know, I'll say it again, that newer Tomb Raider I had a good time with. A lot of fun. I just don't, this movie is, I'll say that. That's what I feel about it

Correct reaction Steven Yeah maybe I watched Jurassic World Which is such a worst movie And then this So like this looked better in comparison It's not good at all

It's bad It's not a recommend It's just It's maybe a hangover movie possibly Like I could just I could see it Maybe Nothing

But it speaks to all things we're talking about Wherein It's all empty calories. There's nothing. There's no tension here. There's no sexuality. There's no real sense of adventure or investment in any of this. So it's just a no. Yeah.

I'm not going to say anything differently. I'll say one, my letterbox review is I just called this Indiana Jones, the Kingdom of the Crystal Doll. Nice. Pretty proud of myself about that. Jokes. And actually, I would say this is a weird thing because we recommend like movies and whatnot, but play

those games. They're fun. It's fun. A lot of fun. And you get like the actual vibe that they were going for. Which one should I play if I was going to play one of the game? Four I think was critically most blamed. Yeah. I played through a lot of three, which was also a lot of fun. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, the games are fun. I'm always up for an adventure thing. But man, oh man. Yeah, like the jelling of these two. And I think honestly, not that I think Tom Holland's great, but this movie would have been better if someone else's playing Sully and you make it a little closer to whatever Holland's vibe is. Adult things. It would been nice if it was just a little bit more adult.

Precisely. Smoke some cigarettes, kids. Totally. Totally, man. Let's event horizons and pizzas together, kid. We will figure it out. I was going to do it for Uncharted. A real stinker from last year. If you want more We Hate Movies, be sure to check

out one, our YouTube channel. A lot of content going up on there. That's where all our live streams are housed on all that stuff. YouTube.com slash we hate movies. You want to check out stuff there. And of course, the Patreon Always going strong. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We do have a we love movies all about Top Gun Maverick,

the Joseph Kaczynski, massive blockbuster from last year. Super fun movie. We had a lot of fun talking about it. But yes, starring a wicked man, head of an evil cabal. Yeah, I feel the same way about John Hamm. It's military propaganda. Yes, of course.

But lighten up, smoke a duby, and let's fly a fucking plane. There we go. Absolutely. The AD, Steve, I know you are so super psyched for this. I don't believe it's real yet. It's a Transformers cartoon myth for little little kids called Transformers Bot Bots. From last year, I don't know what's going to happen to us when we watch it. I'm not sure.

It's cutesy poo. They're trapped in a mall or something. When you say that title in my head, I'm like, oh, it's a thing where the Transformers are watching Tim Burton's Mars attacks. And then they're going around going, bat, bat, bat. bat bat bat bat that sounds better than what it's going to be oh yeah guarantee do we have on the gleep glossary this glossary this month is going to be on mon

mothma you might know her from andor if you've been watching andor we will also be discussing the events of andor so be sure to check it out we're going to be watching all of it we'll also have a very spicy Merro 2 and O as always that's right that is where the sex happens for the uninitiated that's our podcast recap

Mellrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210.1. And late last year we also released a Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets Commentary, Syncable commentary to that. That's right. Two and a half hours of content of like us just making fun of Jake Rowling, making fun of Hogwarts

in general. It's a lot of fun. There's a preview clip on our YouTube that you can see what these commentaries are like. Check out what that vibe is like. We have a ton of them. There's a commentary playlist of clips so you can get a real sense of what you will get if you sign up for that Patreon. And as always here on the main feed, the worst of 2022, or some of at least

jam-packed year, continues with an all-new episode next Tuesday. Steve, what are we suffering through? Oh, we're all going to the fucking junkyard into processional because it's going to be Halloween ends. Oh, yeah, this is going to be an interesting episode. I think I liked it more than some of these guys, but I can't wait to talk about it and Corey with you. It would have to be true, Eric. It would have to be true. It's fascinating. I think for the first time, the four of us appreciate or not so much enjoy a movie on completely different levels. I think we all have a different temperature on it.

So it's going to be an interesting conversation next week when we talk all about Halloween ends. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zadak. Eric's Cisco. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hit-gum. Thank you.