We Hate Movies - S13 Ep663: Driven

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

This week on the program, the first WHM episode of Listener Request Month peels out as the guys talk about the Sylvester Stallone car racing dud, Driven! Why can’t this movie decide on a villain? How terrible are all the CGI sewer covers? Why are those announcers getting so horned up over the car crashes? And guard your ears, this movie has one of the worst soundtracks of all time! PLUS: Does God watch The Eric Szyszka Show? Driven stars Sylvester Stallone, Kip Pardue, Stacy Edwards, Til Schweiger, Gina Gershon, Estella Warren, Cristián de la Fuente, Brent Briscoe, Robert Sean Leonard, and Burt Reynolds as Carl Henry; directed by Renny Harlin. Tickets on sale now for our shows in San Francisco and Los Angeles! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Grab-Ass & Cancer, SW Crispy Critters, MINGO! & WHAT IF Donna? designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, I'm currently holding an Idaho potato with more charisma than anyone in this movie. It's driven. I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Wait, where's Steve? He's been driven to the hospital. Oh, I don't know. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. It is the start of listener request month, which means Steve is taking a sick day. we hope he feels better it's a genuine sick day we got proof in everything and I'm sure it's nothing gross

he took pictures of his shit we believe him that's right it seems bad it seems bad across the board wasn't there like a rate my shit like website at one point like toilet time stuff

no no you're thinking of hot or not dot huh I'll tell you some of those guys on there look like a clump of shit that's true we are gathered here today dearly beloved to talk about driven from 2001

directed by Rennie Harlan. Oh, Father Rennie Harlan. The most holy of the holies. God damn, man. I saw this movie in the theaters, by the way. Really? I think I did as well. I think it was one of those...

Whoa. Dude, we're slyheads, man. I guess, yeah. I was late to taking of Stallone as a cause of L'Ebray. But, yeah, I just... Reni Harlan, it ended

with Long Kiss Goodnight for me. Which was like 97? It's the one before. Is it right before this? Yeah, 97, 98. Maybe something like that. Deep blue C. Deep blue C might be in between them.

That's 99. Okay. All right. Now we're just throwing out misinformation here. Well, just trying to think of, yeah, you know, up till this movie, Rennie Harlan movies, I think was the idea there. Gotcha. Yeah, no, maybe I should open the old IMDB and scan through it.

Well, we don't have to read his whole filmography. Go pure Glenn Kessler. Just. fact-checking everything. People are going to be upset. Sure. Well, I'm about to tell a little anecdote, so if you want to research, now's the time.

The only reason I saw this in theaters was I was at the multiplex at the time, and it was a free situation. And, you know, it was like, you got to work on a Saturday. Sure. At 5 o'clock, you come in at two, whatever, and see the whatever piece of shit opened,

and this piece of shit opened. This, it just was so not on my radar at the time. Like, I remember doing that. That's how I saw Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, my God. By the way, yes, there's another Rennie Harlan film in this listener request month. Episode 666 will be the covenant, which he does a few movies after this, mind hunters and Exorcist, the new beginning, the beginning, which I think is a stay tuned as well. That's a total stay tuned.

Actually, so's the fucking, what is it, mind. Mind hunters. We get that requested all the time. Of course, prior to. to this movie. Now, this is the state of IMDB folks. You may want to take your hat off, lower your brow. Sure. Get a tuxedo

on. Cliffhanger deleted scenes, 2000 video. No, who's adding this? Who's adding special features? He directed a special feature on a DVD, which was a deleted scene from a movie years prior. That's a short, Eric. I'm sorry, that's a short. That counts.

Deep Blue C, 99. The Long Kiss, Good Night, 96. Cutthroat Island 95. Also, piece shit. Oh, yeah. Adventures of Ford Fairlane. That was a previous episode. And of course, who could forget, Die Hard 2 or Nightmare and Elm Street for.

Oh, right. I forgot to that too. He's been around. He does a lot. I mean, the man is currently like directing foreign films. Like, his last movie was from Finland. Oh, really? Yeah. He's just, he directed a comedy from Finland. I think he did like a, uh, an action movie and like China or something like that. He's been a more international guy

recently. Yeah. Well, so this movie, it's 2001. It is pre-Taladega Nights. I feel that was when you know, post-Y2K, that is the race movie. Yes. You know, that's NASCAR. I understand. This is, I think, Formula 1, right? F1. This is the indie circuit, which is like America's version of formula. Oh, okay. Got it. But then of course, you know, we got Bert Reynolds in the movie to reference his

race car movie, I guess, Stoker Ace, previous episode of 1,000. I know it was a while after this before we lost the great man, but yeah, he does not seem like he's here. Burr Reynolds? Yeah, he just like he's kind of just

spends a whole movie sitting down. Yeah, because everything's going so fast and like I'm just like, oh, he's in this. Oh yeah, I guess so. There's that monologue that he's like trying, but it's not really coming together. It's not happening. I think it's kind of okay. It is a a little bit half baked, maybe because

like the rest of the movie is so bad that when he's really, he's really given it to Stallone in that scene. I was like, all right, I'll give it to him. I think they think so Burr Reynolds plays a dude who's like a former driver who's the head of this racing team and they give the character

a backstory of like clearly there was some accident on the track and he's paralyzed and he's in a wheelchair for this whole movie. I would like to posit that that was a bird edition. Just like, what if, I was paralyzed. I'll be in a wheelchair.

I'll do your piece of shit movie. If you, yeah, that's right. You got to push me around the set the whole fucking time. Exactly. Slice Stallone. Use those fucking arms for something.

Look, I, you know, I walked exactly from the limo to the set. I'm a little tired. So maybe we make a character decision. Maybe he's up, you know, maybe he just can't walk.

Maybe that's a problem for him. I'm here to act, not walk. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm bringing my own gum from home. Yeah. And yeah,

that's a facelift. Oh, dude. Big time. because he, this is 2001, Boogie Nights, you know, when he sort of came back on the main stage in a way, was like 97. So like, he does not look like he looks in Boogie Nights. In Boogie Nights, he looks like still just like a classically aging older fella. This movie is like he, not only is there a facelift situation. Yes. The makeup is painted. He looks like, and this is, it sucks to say now because he's passed away. It looks like a real doll. He looks like. He looks like. when you go to a fucking funeral or you go to the wake and you look in a coffin and it's like

they've put a bunch of makeup on a dead body that's what Bert Reynolds looks like in this movie whenever I see that I'm like why can't I look as good as that as it's person's dead looks better than me

2001 Bert Reynolds is what you're looking that's your style guru yes that's that and I was just thinking about you know like prior grandmothers etc that looked pretty sharp in the box

so you want to look like when George Costanza gets his boss airbrushed out of the photo and then the dude illustrates it back in. Yes. Because that's also what Burke kind of looks like in this movie. He's like 8% cartoon. I want to be filtered up. He's

elegant. I mean, it is an elegant look. I think what happened was he just, I mean, he was in Boogie Knights. He got all that attention. Yeah. And he's like, well, the roles are going to come in. I got to start looking good again. And I'm like, you looked so good in Boogie nights. You looked fantastic.

You were carrying that movie for sections. Oh, yeah. But he hates it. Of course, like, because he's a dumb idiot. He was a dumb idiot. He was like, oh, that's the worst thing I ever done. Well, also what it was fucking Mark Wahlberg the other day, there was something where somebody was like asking about boogie nights and he's like,

oh, geez, I hope the Lord isn't a movie fan. Like, dude, that's, I'm sorry, probably your best movie that you're affiliated with. That and three kings? That's kind of it. God would like boogie nights. If you saw Uncharted, you're going to fucking hell. Oh, absolutely. If you see fathers too. Father's do. Oh,

my God. If he does that, you're going right to have. Well, I certainly enjoyed the adventures of Dirk Diggler, but my goodness, that fathers do film? Are you fucking kidding me, Mark? You're just, you're not up to the level of Michael Myers. He was a, he was an

artist with the fat suit. It was like an extension of his being, but you, you just do it for the laughs. The black shirt with the white block thing on, for it, who came up with that? I'm God. I'm God. I don't know what this is. Some style, please.

I didn't sign off on that shirt. Like, they have no idea. The, the Heavenly Fathers above, whichever are correct. They don't know, like, what we're doing to worship them. I feel like there's a, okay, yes, some people say they look down and watch you. Yeah. But,

like how hard it is to keep up with all the TV shows there currently. If you're doing that, you can't fucking do that and God's got to keep up with all the people on earth. Are you fucking serious? This is a great point. Now, there's, so many a TV show's on that we can't keep up with. Yes. There's so many interesting people

alive right now. God's not watching the Eric Siska show. No. He's watching Vladimir Putin's adventures or whatever. He's going to stop by. He's going to see how episode 78 starts at least. He's going to come back for episode 1,270. Oh boy. I hope I get a second season

like another year of life. Watching the Vladimir Putin show by the way and doing nothing about it. Once again proving his existence in a big bad way. I don't know which side he's on. Oh, that's good job, Vlad. I wanted that annex to go through. He has presents. You just can't say that about a lot of these guys. Sure. This movie starts with actually, before we get ahead of ourselves. My goodness.

Oh, Lord Almighty. Listener request month of all months. That's right. That's right. It's listener request month. And let's listen to the call here. I think this guy shares my name. I don't know. Let's give a listen. This is Andrew in North Carolina. That one I'm shocked you've not done yet because it's the Stallone and it's terrible driven 2001. Stallone, Bert Reynolds is in a wheelchair because I think it's implied that Stallone put him in a wheelchair even though they're like helping each other in this movie. It's nobody likes it.

Like even in like the racing community, like people like this is this whole movie is a joke probably because they're fighting for a championship in an organization that went bankrupt not long after this. And it's just terrible. And the guy, the young guy they hired to be like the young hot shot driver, the main character.

Like, you can barely understand anything he says. I don't know. It's just bad. You guys can get a lot out of it, especially because, I mean, it's still on. And take it easy. I guess he means Kipperdue and not Tilsweiger as who you can't understand. I guess so? No, I mean, I'm sure he means Tilsweiger,

but this Kit Pardue kid what the fuck is that kid? Dude, what's he up to? This was like the like backwash of the 90s you had folks like Kit Pardue and I always mix him up or like consider him in the same breath

as like a Casper Van Dean. I mean this was I mean he is a list one specifically it is we are searching for DiCaprio with the swingy hair. Big time. Oh, floppy hair. He was remember the Titans

after this he does that rules of attraction movie which I don't know what kind of a size role we're talking about he's pretty big I think also he's in 13 oh okay yeah yeah he was in that marvels the runaway show that no one could give a fuck about in like 2018 that's probably him adult now trying to do the adult thing you think he's an adult now yeah I think it's now that like

yeah I mean it's like he reminds me a lot of the guy from Magic Mike Pettifer Alexander Very similar kind of trajectory And that like For a while you were trying to push it But it just didn't happen Hold on Andrew got a really nice look on his face

That was joyful So I was looking through Kip Pardew's filmography He hasn't worked since 2019 Where he did a direct to DVD Or streaming movie Called chokehold Which is about a woman seeking vengeance On the Russian mob

After the death of her father She battles her way up Through Underground MMA Fighting World to get this revenge, but it's Kip Pardue and holy shit, Casper Van D. Wow. He's playing a fighter, I suppose?

I don't know. You can't be playing Russian. Like, if he's bulked up, I guess. I mean, he doesn't seem like a fighting. He's a little bit of a string bean. Yeah, he is. He's a little blade of grass in this film, but he was, you know, a tender young man. I can't believe this movie is this 22 years old.

Yeah, he's credited in this movie, chokehold as Uncle Ray. Of course. Oh, nice. But yeah, back in 2001, we were trying to make a hot little Leonardo DiCaprio that kind of has more of a face like Jesse Eisenberg. If you really look at the IMDB photo,

like, look at that. Yeah, I can see. It's Jesse Eisenberg DeCaprio Meld. There you got. Who's that who's that fellow there from them crimes of Grindulvault movies and whatnot? Johnny Depp. No. Eddie Redmay. Yes.

It's kind of got a little Eddie Yeah, sure. I could see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, but this movie, I mean, yeah, just filled with people, you forgot were in movies. Other than Stallone and Reynolds. Well, yeah. Estella Warren, remember her? Oh, yeah. For a little, planet of the apes, they tried for a minute there. Same year as this. Wow. Well, the same thing, the other thing that I thought, I thought this was trying to rip off Fast and Furious, to my surprise, it came out the same year as it. Oh, it was Fast and Furious 2001. We just had a need for speed back. then Chris Cabbin. Race car. I mean, I guess it was just like NASCAR was really booming there in the late 90s. So I mean, it's still doing great. But like, I think that's when it really became like a huge fan. Yeah. And Stallone wrote this. He's probably sitting around for a while. Definitely not his best outing. You don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah. The pen wasn't exactly strong on this one. I think. No, no. But I do like the caller insinuated that he put Bert Reynolds in a wheel. chair. I'm going to

put you, I'm going to break everybody right. Yeah, and actually, surprisingly man had nothing to do with the car accident. We just got to fight outside a bar and I beat the shit out of him. Listen, I know you were in on that stop where my mom will shoot thing. I'm sorry, but

I have to take my revenge. I can't beat Arnold. I have to take you on. Oh yeah, hello, Hollywood agent. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, I'm very curious about doing this Sylvester Stallone written movie at looks really cool. Oh,

now he wants it. He's going to do his own movie. He's going to be his own movie. What an idiot. You shouldn't have done that, Arnold. You know, it's just a bad move, but you know what?

Pretty funny. This movie starts off with like... A montage. It starts with a montage. It does start with the montage, but text to start the montage off to really like get you the audience member's engine revved up

for this movie because it's like, nine hundred. million spectators, 250 miles an hour, 20 races, one championship. Get ready to give a fuck. Is any of that even true? 900 million seems high. Well, because it's like a worldwide organization. If you count Formula One, you count in deep.

Are people, like, I know people in America in certain areas are sitting around watching this on television. Oh, yeah. But are there like the way, the dedication of something like soccer gets overseas? season. Formula 1 does kind of get that kind of fandom. That may, I guess is, and this is this formula one? This is the American version of Formula 1 essentially. Yeah, I guess Formula 1 does that because it's got that, that Frenchy stuff to it, right? Like Lamon or whatever. Those, also, those cars are fuck, it's like a hundred mill where like an indie car, you're talking 50 mil tops. Is that

right? Yeah, yeah. That is like state of the art cars that are going on in F1. That's why Tony Stark was in. Yes, exactly. So, like, I know it's different, but NASCAR was very popular in the United States. Did you guys ever watch any of that growing up at all? I never did. Like, coming from where we did, like, it is massive, but I just, I never got into it. My father-in-law is being into it. And I've, like, watched races on TV with him. And it's actually, like, it's kind of funny because I was totally ignorant to it. And he actually, like, explained a lot of the strategy and stuff to it to me one night. And I was drifting. Yep. That guy's drifting. It was a lot of, like, he's trying to fucking draft in front of this guy. He's doing the Ricky Bobby, shake

make that's what that's what we call a crash yep that's fire that's fine how stupid is my son-in-law that's fire as a little kid this is as just stupid as that i would i watched a few because i was like all right you know because you always hear about the crashes sure so i was like convinced i'm like yes i'm going to watch this i'm going to get into this sport so i can watch men run around on fire you're gonna because i was convinced like at least one probably one fire guy a race right like that What a race! Well, even this movie, even this movie is just like, what an awesome crash.

Well, it's kind of weird. And it seems like it's part of the sport. And as a kid, I was like, yes. Because also Demolition Derby was going around at the same time. And they were trying to target us with, they were trying to groom us with Metcazilla or whatever. Oh, well, that was, that was Monster Truck shit. And I went to several, well, at least two monster truck rallies in my life and the funny

car shit, like the rocket shit. Right. Where it's like rocket cars. See who raises first. You've got to stop with a parachute. I combined these all in my head as a kid and I was like there's going to be fucking listen, this sport. All right. There's going to be Godzilla. All right. But he's a robot. He's going to eat a car. Grave

digger is going to drive around in a circle run over some buses. There's going to be a dinosaur truck. Maybe two guys on fire today. We'll see. Well, that's, I mean, you get to a certain point in your team and what you're looking for really is a more organic of what is that visions of death that the movie faces of

faces of death like you're just looking for a more organic way to get that because you've tapped it out by now. Well, that is you're right. I want to see something that's actually real. Yeah. So that's why I go hunting with the NASCAR footage. I'll say I watched a lot of NASCAR when I worked at Nielsen ratings and this will connect to what we're talking about here. How are the ratings? The ratings were

very good. Okay. So I'm proven wrong. This is 100 million people. This was this was specifically NASCAR and that was doing incredible numbers. But one thing I learned because part of my job was to note down all of the moments when there's some like product placement.

Oh yeah. Oh, that's every second. That's the thing is what is amazing about these kinds of movies is you can jam fucking pack them. Yep. Full of fucking product placement. Get all your money from that. And it looks or it looks sort of organic. You're totally right. doesn't stick out like in other movies because you're just like, yep, this is part of the game.

Absolutely. This used to be something you could, but like, I bet you they just fucking sailed on this one because it was just easy to fund this shit. Yeah. And so, yeah, we get this montage of like how the racing season is going. Long Beach. Miami. Brazil.

Australia. Tokyo. Oh, we're cruising world right now. Kit Purdue. Rainbow Road. Shroom Village. I keep telling you, kid, use the fucking, use the turtle shell. Use the turtle shell.

You can't be scared of the blue shell coming at you, man, because if the blue shell's coming for you, that means you are number one, baby. I just hummed whatever that happens. Mario shoots a fireball. I'm humming. Look, it's a rookie mistake to think, you know, oh, I'm scared, I'm going to go off Rainbow Road

and fall into the galaxy and never be found again. A little guy is going to come and get you. with his fishing pole and bring you back to where you were. Don't worry about it. Happens to all of us once or twice. It's all right. Jimmy, you're going to run into that penguin, man. It's okay.

He's throwing ice at you. He's a nice little guy if you get to know him. His father's an asshole, man. He's a huge penguin with a crown on. Look out. Banana! Oh, man. So, yeah, we are introduced simultaneously to Bo Brandenberg,

played by Til Schweiger, and Jimmy Bly, the rookie, as played by Kip Pardue, we got this press conference and there's babes galore here. This whole movie is full of babes because it was, Babitude wasn't outlawed yet. It was the top of Babetude because we had Spike TV, right? We had backs of magazine. It was FHM. We got all of them, yeah.

We just couldn't stop beating off. No, I mean, I thought it was a perfect time for us at high school. To be fair, that still hasn't stopped. Everybody's still beating off. It's just all digitally. But, you know, there's no, like, there's, they're not putting the babe lineups you get in this movie in movies today. Well, you're not, you're not being shown. It's not part of the focus of the film the way, like put at the time.

The movie stops dead to show you the bays. You can stop a movie dead to show an ass or a fucking halter top or a belly ring or shit like that. And it will be fine. These days, you're going to get a little bit more pushback. Can I say, you know, they got some trailers out for, for fast X, right? And it looks like at one point Dom Torreto has to race Mamoa's character

here in a streetway situation possible clock stoppage for baby to that movie. I was going to say because you do notice those Fast and Furious movies get less and less horny as they go on. The first two or three are pretty horny. They got like

women all overplace and all kinds of distress. The terrorists won apparently right? Because the towers went down. And suddenly we all became conservative in terms of certain things. Now, I know it's exploitation as well. There's two sides of that coin, but we are so chaste now, right? It is becoming worse.

With the demise of babitude, also the hunkage barometer is out the window. Yes. Oh, my God, this memo fellow, forget it. Holy fuck. I lost my memory looking at memo. So the guy from the memo guy, he is known before this, he was in a telenovela that was only one year, ran from, I think it was like 99 to

2000. Okay. And 135 episodes. Oh, yeah, dude. You're doing multiple of those weeks. He looks, he's a beefcake. He looks great. I know he's a model. I would watch someone eat butter off of him. For sure. Oh, I mean, like, you put this guy in Magic Mike. You put this guy in a Magic Mike, and he's like the

elder statesman that taught Magic Mike his stuff. We need a stripper verse. We do. I mean, Magic Mike is his close. as we've gotten, really. That's true. We need to expand it. I know there were other stripping movies in the past, but we're not, I don't think we're, that's the thing, I don't think we're going back to stripties. We're not going back to striptees. We need a new, we're going to reboot

striptease as a spiritual secret. Hustlers. Oh, Hustlers. Yeah, there's a stripping movie. Well, could you do like a Hustlers, Magic, Showgirls, shared cinematic universe? Wow. I would like to see whatever the product of that is. I don't think it's happening, but I would love to see it.

The movie would be called Down and Dirty. Bring Paul Verhoven back to America, take the chains off and let him go hog wild. You did your Christ movie or whatever it was. Just come on. So, yeah, Till Schweiger is like not doing so hot in a, you know,

in the racing season or whatever. So this movie, after that montage, the first like scene of acting is him dumping Estella Warren. They are engaged to be married. And he's just like, yeah, I'm not doing so well in the racing season. So our engagement is kaput.

Yeah. You know, I can't be shooting my loads before it's a big game. I have to focus. I need to keep my essence. Excuse me, can you give me marriage papers? Oh, they don't exist. Sorry. What is her, does she have a job on the track at all?

Because she like, girlfriend. But they separate. And it's just like, yeah, my, it's like the girlfriend's still working there, but not working there. She's just walking around. Well, she's a girlfriend. She will become somebody else's girlfriend, but there's a turnover time, you know. She's track, babe.

Yeah, you got to wait. I'm pulling over into the pit. Yes, takes the girl out. You can take her, put her another car. It's fine. Well, that's, I mean, you notice the turnover isn't that bad on this one. Jimmy Bly and her are going out almost immediately. Oh, yeah.

After. That's true. And her are done. Is that a vicious strategy perhaps? Ooh. You know, I guess there is some, a bit of that. Better actors maybe could have sold. Maybe.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. But none to be found here. It's mentioned briefly that maybe was a strategy. to get in his head and then let's forget about that. I think it's passed off as a joke at the end of the movie after like everything resets itself and everyone's friends again. Yeah. Because they save that one guy from a car accident.

And that's another problem is everyone respects each other so much that there's not a lot of conflict. Oh yeah. That that is a problem because you do think for a minute there you're wondering is Jimmy Bly the villain? Is Bo the villain possibly? But there's none. There's no villain. The villain is kind of Bert Reynolds at the end of the movie. I guess, but like, I need, like, even if it's as broad as fucking Taladagan Nights, get me Jacques LaFuck out there

to fucking race against these guys and beat their ass and something. Yeah. And like, make them feel like shit. That'd be, that'd be much better, I think. And right here, so she's like, so, you know, what am I? Because he goes, racing is my life. And she goes, if racing is your life, what am I? And he goes, at the restriction.

not a great line. Guys, if your partner ever asks you that, I would say don't give that answer. Yep, no, don't call your partner distraction. Yeah, I think that's a smart move. You have to be like, the love of my life, but I just need to concentrate on the race track. It's just a busy time of year.

You don't understand. Yeah, that's right. You boys ought to be concentrated on the race. You never know when you might get freejacked out here. I've seen a thousand times Guy's driving the car It blows up His body's gone

It's in the future Yep free jack One time I saw a guy back in 73 Got free jack Down in Miami I just saw him last week Perfectly fine Travel through time

Free Jack Yep You ever hair of Emilio Astafez No You know why Because got free jacked Got free jacked You'll know you're in the

Dystopian future If you go to Park Slope Brooklyn And there's no baby carriages All right That's what happens in that movie, Free Jack. They're all gone. We burned them all.

I believe it was Park Slope and it was a pretty bad neighborhood. Pretty touching go. The movie is about Amelia Mastavis goes back in time and prevents the gentrification of Brooklyn. Yes. A hero. A hero. Yes, yes, absolutely.

Like the, all the Lower East Side music scene is trying to come over to the bridge in like 1999 and he's just standing there like, no, not, not. Go back to Manhattan. You ain't getting to Williamsburg. Get the fuck out of here. Look, yeah, yeah, yeah. the fucking New Jersey City's right there.

Okay? A lot of robberies, you know, go unsolved in New York and maybe it's not the fault of New York's finest. Perhaps they're time travelers trying to bring down the rent in the past. Oh, sure. And then, like, they break into your house, they steal your laptop.

They go out the window, whoop, and they're gone. They're back to the future. Trying to convince TV on the radio to become back to nature. Go and work in the woods together, do a boniver. Well, because like, once they get back to their

present. Maybe the rent goes down a hundred bucks because they kept breaking into shit in, you know, 20 years back. You know, James Murphy, if New York's bringing you down, why don't you move to Boston? Three hour trip. Not that bad. It's starting the morning. You're there

by noon. So a couple other supporting characters here. Yes. Bert Reynolds as Carl Henry, who's like the racing team coach or whatever. Robert Sean Leonard as, am I getting this right? DeMille. DeMille. DeMille Bly. What a

What the fuck is that? Well, this, I mean, this, I mean, of course, we don't talk. Mill Bly. Exactly what you're referencing here. Eric, the thing is, this is the touchstone of the, the Stallone touch. This is, this style thing. Ridiculous fucking names.

Oh, yeah. Why would anybody be named half these fucking DeMille Bly, James Bly, Bo Brandenberg? Yeah, it's really, it's a silly name. And what, and his is Joe Tanto? Joe Tanto. Joe the Hummer Tanto.

Of course. The car. Okay? Don't you get any ideas. It's the car. Okay? I know what you're thinking. Yeah, when I found him,

I was sucking dick under 59th Street Bridge. Henry, you stopped that. We talked about this. It's the automobile. Yeah, that's where he told people. It's the same face. It's the size of me, of a Hummer. You see, not the blowjohn.

I've seen the size of the Hummer you got. Oh, my God. Son of him. I thought I was back on boogie nights. All right. You know what? He can't walk. Oh, you know what?

Now his character's in a wheelchair. What do you think about that? Smart guy. I could do that. I have the power to do it. Me and Reni go back. Oh, yeah, that's right. So like during whatever race is happening,

there's a race going on in Chicago. It's like a Chicago street race. And Bly spins out. Does not win. the race and this is Bert Reynolds. This is not a great character. He turns around and he goes Crusher. It's time to call Joe Tanto. This dude Crusher

who's just this fellow who I think he must have been friends of Bert Reynolds. He's been in everything. But he's specifically in like a shit ton of Bert Reynolds. Oh really? Okay. Wow. Awesome. I think he's kind of like his Jesse the Buddy Ventura. That's amazing. What a great that's a great thing if you can get it, right? Just being a friend of a major celebrity and just

having bit parts and every fucking thing. But the bit parts thing, like that's, that's the preferred angle. Like royalty checks. As opposed to the turtle situation. Right. Where you're just buying batteries and whatnot. Bose headsets. Nobody, nobody likes that. Oh my God. Now, what is, I guess

I could find out if I actually gave a shit, but because the entourage is based on Mark Wahlberg's what is the IRL turtle up to? I don't think you want to know that. I don't think you would be really upset to know what happened there. Wait, do you know and you're just saying he's really upset? I think I know but I'm not I think the guy

the really not good looking guy from Vanderpump rules is the turtle is Walberg's turtle there's a character I can't I'm not into this stuff I do not know I've seen a lot of I've seen a lot of memes

and that guy isn't a bunch of a shit ton of memes I'm pretty sure I have not 100% on this now what is that Vanderpump rules they're selling sneakers it's a but you when I say this, believe me, you do not want to know. That's an addiction. Nobody should be starting. It's really bad anyway. There's a Q-Anon guy on there now.

Oh, what? Jesus. Is he one of the Vanderpumps? I don't know for sure. Vendor bump? What was it? Vanderpump. Okay. Yeah, I think that's like sneakers. I'm thinking. Oh, right. Oh, right. I don't think so. But that's what I asked if they sell sneakers. Anyway. So, yeah, who's Joe Tanto? It's me. me, baby, and I'm living in the woods for some reason. Nice like waterfront property. Yeah, it's

not bad. Look, you know, have you seen like those hot young guys who are just like sweaty and wet the minute you see them? I want that look for a bone dry garage. Excuse me while I'm working on this car so hard. I'm just bleeding sweat and water. He's sexy, dude. He thinks he's really sexy. See, honestly, he's not looking so hot in this movie. Yes, he has his original face. Yes. But some of the costuming as well. Like, it's like he looks like a little boy in the world's biggest polo shirt at one point.

This is the big, remember, this is the beginning of like the really first like downward spiral for him. Because get Carter happens makes no money. That was 2000. And then like this happens. No money. Sure. And then it's like that serial killer movie. that nobody's seen detox.

Oh, I've heard Angelo. I've heard rumors of both of those movies. The really, really stuff that only weirdos who love Stallone have heard of like you. Yes, hello. That's when this really starts seeing, because before then, you were talking

ants still, like he's still getting normal, like, gigs. Yeah, it was this great honor being an ants with the one and on the Woody Island, man. It's really weird when his aunt started dating its own larva. Sharon's not here?

I thought Sharon is going to be here for the recording of divorce. I just saw basic instinct. I would love to meet her. She seems like a real neat lady. I just got to do these lines alone in this room by myself. I should have never done ants.

Hey, could you, you know what? Could you bring my friend Crusher in here? So I'm just not alone. I just need to be saying this to someone. read lines with Crusher. That'd be great if it was like, so what do you call him Crusher for? He was like, your body guy, he beats the shit out of people messing with you?

No, man, you know Crush Orange Soda? Yeah, he drinks that like water, baby. I call him the Crusher, man. He's got type 2 diabetes. You would not believe what this guy could do. Like, we call him Crusher, because whatever I'm done with a beer can, he takes it and puts it up against his head, crunches that sucker.

It kills me every time, man. damn, you date his foot. We used to make a joke. He should switch to slice since they sliced his foot on. He loves it. He thinks it's a great joke. Anyway, man, yeah, drink some water. The crushers got problems.

You hear about that Martin Street, he guy? What a son of a bitch. They bought an album. That's the Wu tank. So whatever. The whole thing is this, the dude memo that we were talking about. He's out. Bert Reynolds has had it with Memo's performance here as like the backup guy to Jimmy Bly. So Tanto's got to come in. If you were like grooming a guy, you know, normal grooming, not the bad grooming. Every grooming is bad grooming. Literally knowing anyone or teaching anyone anything is I actually considered grooming.

And honestly, even us telling people the difference between crush and slice. I mean, you know what? Eric, you're right. I take it back. But if you were trying to push this as the next, like, he's going to be the head of the sport. Like if Jimmy Bly and those guys don't vote, this is our name, why would you want to frame memo? That's the name? That's the name that's going to be on banners. Memo. Yeah. So you can win and then say, did you get the memo or something? Oh, that's actually true. Oh, that's a, that's a, that's a. a very good bad burn. That's a really bad burn. No, you didn't because he won. You didn't get the memo. But yeah, I mean, the guess this is just Stallone, just like, someone needs to talk to him about these names. Yes. It's just stupid name central every time. And like the Cohen brothers actually,

there's something to it. Like there's the verbal tick of it is, it's supposed to be fun to listen to those names be said. Those guys know comedy. Yes. Where it's just like, a long dozen. This, yeah, this is a new announcer. This is Alan Truckfish. He's a great, it's a great character.

So he, when writing these screenplays and coming up with character names, is like usual suspecting around his house. He had like the hunting and fishing network on or something. The Stanley Living Room.

The villain of our newest film. Stanley Living Room. Prominent family goes way back. They invented living rooms. and he's starting to do trump his fucking sly i apologize and he's uh and he's going to start a great romance with the robin kitchen table and you know they start a fiery romance yeah and she hyphenates her name man she's robin kitchen table living room with the fortune it's a nightmare for the wedding invitations i'll tell you what generational wealth from kitchen table wow yeah you

imagined that you're talking caveman money yeah exactly like who gives the shit about apple computers when you got kitchen table you got you know your first customer was the fucking flintstones it's you in the gettys essentially jeff wheel oh shit yeah the the prominent people should be named after what they invented like the right brothers should be the airplane brothers yeah plane plane plane brothers and a great great great great grandson Jefferson. Orville Renbacher. That's just Mr. Popcorn. Yeah. Or a doctor. Popcorn too. Oh, yeah. Doctor. I forgot. Dr. Pepper, too. Oh, that's true. He invented pepper. The amount of money.

Think about that back to like the Silk Road. The trade back then, he was getting some percentage of that pepper money. You have to just like feel good that Alvin Dr. Pepper decided to do that just to do that for us. They said I was going to do this. Right. He made the patent legal for everyone. And everyone can enjoy his soda. Yes. Yes. You guys realizing is this movie light on plot, could you tell?

Oh, really? We're going to get there, folks. We're going to get to an hour and 20 minutes and that's fine. It's a lot of driving, folks. I'll be honest with you. A lot of CGI driving, by the way. A lot of CGI manhole covers flying around. A lot of Cgi-I coins.

Can we talk about the coin scene? Yeah, let's do it. It's about right here. I invented turn on a dime. I'll show you. He's like there the first day on the track for practice. And it's like, aren't you showing what you can do? Yeah, I get that car and drive for me.

And so Stallone's doing this thing where he drives around the track and he tosses out three quarters at three different places. And again, because this movie, there's just no story and there's no storytelling. There's a character named Lucretia. She goes by Luke. and she starts this movie as a reporter doing a story on the circuit or maybe Stallone's team or something. You've just been upgraded to girlfriend. Yeah, about 55 minutes into this movie, your character switches to my girlfriend for no reason.

It is so underdeveloped. There's like nothing to this relationship. She's barely there. She interviews him at one point. She comes along to like this gala and then like, buy movie. We have to replicate the Rocky Magic. There has to be one woman who's obsessed with me for no. reason. Yep. And please. That's kind of what's going on with this character here. But like she serves

as just where you are spitting exposition. Yep. Like she's like, what's he doing now? And it's like, I think it's Crusher's like, oh, he's going to drive around and he's going to, you know, hit all the quarters. And someone's like, well, what's the big deal about it? I think it's Robert John Leonard's like, who gives his shit? And they're like, oh, well, he's going to actually kick a back tire of the car out and hit it instead or something. I will say I'm a little. little, it's a little bit of an upgrade, whereas journalists are usually like the villains in a Stallone movie. Sure.

That is, she is just a proposed fuck puppet for him. That is fine enough for me. That's a more positive than just her being the one that's going to bring everyone down. I mean, she's not presented as like stupid or anything like that, but she literally just stops doing the reporter's story halfway through the movie. She's just like, she's just like, havin out. She has no agency at all. And yes, the lack of any clear villain, because I know.

brandenberg gate or whatever his name is is supposed to be the villain I guess but you have to actually then make him the villain yeah well no I knew he wasn't going to be the villain not long after this scene because we get to that we'll get to it when we get

to it but there's a scene where he talks to Till Schweiger and gives him romantic advice and I'm like oh so they're just buds like even if they like Stallone's making fun of him in the first half and it makes you think that he doesn't like him but then like very clearly they're close. Part of what I do kind of like about the movie, I know this goes against what I just

said, but the camaraderie of the drivers is interesting like Mamo Head was a fan of Joe Tonto Stallone's character, so he's super nice to him all the time. It's an and it makes sense in a sport that you would respect each other even if you're on another team

but it doesn't really make a compelling movie. No, it does. And that's a thing like yeah, I'm sure this is quite the case, especially in things where it's like single athlete focused kind of things like it's like you know I mean you know in any sport really you know especially the thing that's

you're on the road all the time like you do know all these people and that's fine but yeah again not much of compelling story in the slightest um we should say Luke is played by Stacy Edwards who hasn't done a time but I think she's the woman in um

is it in the company of men that Aaron Eckhart Matt Malloy movie right you ever heard a guy named Edward, her parents get 20 cents every time. Oh, yeah, you think Garrett Eckhart's disturbing in the dark night. My God, see this in the company

of men. He is a devious son of a bitch. He's a real piece of shit that. I don't think I saw that one. It's, uh, it's Neil Lebutte. So, uh, you know, already, you know, watch out there. The shit head alarm is up. What is it? Like, they they're, it's a bet over

who can woo like a deaf woman, I think. Yes. I think that is. That is. that is, I'm pretty sure that's it. It's a fun one, huh? The Lebutte Charm, as always. This movie reminded me because, so basically, like, once Stallone gets into this, the whole thing is, like,

he's the old pro who's charged with training the new cocky upstart. And just literally the night before we watched Creed 2, which is pretty much the same thing, because in that movie, it starts the exact same way with, like,

Adonis does the fight, he doesn't take Rocky's help. He's like, I'm going to do with that. He fucks up and loses and, like, fucks up his life. That's, like, kind of what's happening here with Jimmy Bly. Like, he's fucking up the racing. His brother has him too much in, like, the spotlight, PR side of things. And I was like, man, talk about night and day movies that are about pretty much the exact same thing.

You're right. And, like, the thing I wish, you just made me think of it, Robert Sean Leonard should be the villain. They sort of set that up, too, but then drop it. He's, he's his brother and he's very nice to him. And he gives him like a good advice that he repeats at the end of the movie. Is this just like a bad attempt to be like realistic of stuff like yeah, these guys still respect each other. Yes, family people have falling outs. And then maybe they it eases up. I mean, but like that character like one of my one of my many problems with that Brad the Cooper, a star is born is when the manager comes in and he's just pure evil. Like there's no like, oh, you know, he's a person kind of. He's like, no, I want. want you to kill yourself. Would that be good? Could you kill yourself please? I would love that. But like Robert Sean Leonard, as he's introduced in the movie is being an asshole and he's like treating him like cattle or whatever. And you don't know until I don't know like halfway through or like half hour into the movie that they're brothers. That doesn't come out for a while. So I'm like his agent is

just an asshole. It should be mentioned at the top. Yes. That they're brothers. And then Joe Tanto's brought in to coach this kid, talk to him. And he's not able to do that. And he's not able to do that for 45 minutes or so. And because Robert Sean Leonard keeps being like anything you have to say to him, you put it through me. It's all this shit that is designed to make you watching the movie be like, oh, Robert John Leonard's the villain. Right. But it's like a bunch of red herrings of who the villains are. Fucking Gina Gershon as the

ex-wife seems like a villain at some point. But no, she's just a sexy adversary. Because that's all. And my ex-wife, God damn it. Don't, oh, don't you forget, she's my nasty as ex-wife, man. Gina, how would you love to, what would you like to think about me and you what it would be like for us to get it on?

That's kind of what the character is going to, the inspiration for the characters. Hold on, I'm thinking about it. Wow. Yeah, nice thought. No, yeah. Not bad. No, yeah. She's an attractive woman and she's fine in this movie. I just wish any of these characters had anything to do. I know.

I wish they mad at it at all. And it's a weird, like this movie is just under two hours. There's so many characters. No one, I think like you're supposed to believe in a way like the, the star power of being a driven racer itself is what the villain is here. The tempterous that it is.

Well, like that, the younger men don't really know what they want. And then Joe Tanto comes in and is kind of the guy who now knows what he wants. But like, again, even though it's fucking written by the guy who's starring in it, his character goes nowhere.

I mean, like, you would think of anybody was going to something was going to happen it would happen to him he sort of I guess does move on from Gina Gershahn by the end of this movie because he just decides to make the reporter his girlfriend that's the growth I mean it feels like a first draft that we filmed

oh yeah well what was the I was reading some of the trivia because it's a car movie so you believe you better believe the trivia is insane so I just kind of glanced it but one thing somewhere um uh

uh uh Rennie Harlan said like the first cut of this movie was like three hours long or something. How is that lost? Was there a whole race they're showing? Well, Stallone's first draft apparently was like 320 pages. Shit, then

I mean, maybe the editing room was the problem. Was it once upon a time in America with race car drivers? Once upon a time in Vroom Vroom Land, dude. Yeah, I don't know. People fight each other with race guys. There's a fucking 10 minutes of a phone ringing in the beginning.

What the fuck are you doing, man? Dude, that would be great if it's like interior Stallone's apartment. The phone's just drinking it's seriously 10 minutes. And then he runs in and misses. Oh, man. Dude, I would love it, honestly. We tried to get Leon to do it. Sadly, he's passed on.

We thought we could get him. But it turns out he's dead. Turns out the Reaper came for him, man. I had no idea. And his deal was better than mine. He turned down my deal for Satan's deal. How's that sound? Speaking of deals with the devil, dude, there is like this, we're cross-cutting scenes here with, so it's Jimmy who's trying to do, like, race research with a hilariously cute, dated, like, racing simulator on a really boxy laptop and he's not having it.

So he goes out to a club and Estella Warren's character is there. And then, what's his face? Joe Tanto goes to this dive bar with Luke. And that's where, right from there, her story starts totally collapsing because she's like, oh, yes, Sylvester Stallone. Like, you were a young hot shot idiot who made a lot of mistakes back in the day. What's it like to be older than wiser now? And he's like, yeah, so you really hurt my feelings, man, bringing up all this stuff, calling me a loser. Reminding me of all the ways I messed up my life. You know what? Story over.

And then, like, he puts the pool cue down. Okay. So you're just a loser then. Okay. I'll print that. Thank you, sir. It's like, well, uh, or she goes, she's basically like, well, what if I became your girlfriend? And he's like, all right. Now we are playing pool again. Like he picks the stick back off. He's like, your shot. Still, is still in your quarter packet right there. Let me, let me chalk my cock. Always, always, always flirting with me chalk on my cock.

All the chalk. Oh, yeah. That's how you get to. good friction going. Oh, no. I'm working on a thing I like to call anti-loob. I've tried to explore, trying to explore my sexuality, try new things. You know, you can't just let it, can't be missionary all day long. Pleasure is paid. You got to figure some down. I was talking with John Waters the other day and he said, I really, I have to go farther. I have to go further out into the waters. I would pay for that conversation, right? If they like filmed, if they did like a podcast or something together and it was paywalled like $100. Well, sorry, there goes

there goes the rent money. So tell me about the glass tables. Come on, Sly. Oh, it would be so good. I was so excited for this interview with you, and I got all the windex out to polish my tables. We get to the bottom of stuff. Someone set this up.

There's people that listen to this that are more powerful than us. We can't make this happen, but you can. If Baltimore royalty listens to this podcast, please talk to the man in charge. And, uh, Oh, he, well, please,

he's not the one that you'd have to twist his arm. No. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's the load is getting. I mean, well,

I guess you know what? The problem is Tulsa King. Oh. Tulsa King, you could have gotten to do something like this. Tulsa King's now a hit. He's on the fucking Tyler's Sheridan gravy train. Yep.

He's doing just fine. He's going to button his lips about supporting certain things. because of that success. Oh, you think so? I guess he's trying, right? I mean, Frank Stallone is a nightmare. Yeah. And because I was going to say his character in Tulsa King is weirdly very like

you got to do what you got to do. Like I was expecting a real bad fucking moment when that show and then he's just like, yeah, you know, you got to do what you got to do, man. It's a weirdly watchable show. And that's why I'm excited for this Arnold Netflix show because Fubah. Yeah, Fubar.

Detective John Fubba. It's just a cop, you idiot. For me, it just feels good. Like, because I try, I really try with Yellowstone. And it just, it is impossible to watch that show. It's so fucking stupid. I just, I know it's not for me. And I don't dislike Westerns.

No. I just, dude, Tulsa King is for you. Yeah. You'll enjoy yourself. Yeah. It's a fun little time. It's dumb as shit. But, hey, you know, step in the right direction.

But has derailed the water Stallone tapes that we were welcome to make there. Oh, sure. It would have been fantastic. Um, the other side of this pool hall scene is Jimmy Vly and, uh, uh, this, uh, Sophia is the character's name. Yeah. They're at the club and it's kind of like, so my friend broke up with you, huh? Mm-hmm. What you doing? And like this, I mean, these two, when I say they have no chemistry. Well, that's the thing is like, they're not good. Are they, were they, I mean, maybe they were good in other projects. Sure. I haven't seen them.

No, I mean, I can't remember. These are dishwater people right here. I mean, it doesn't captivate you. The filmmaking isn't allowing them to be captivating if they were a basic, like, it's, they cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. It's like no, there's no semblance of like you're in this place, really. You're right, because there's no, like, chemistry, there's no sexuality. You see them, they're just there together, like dolls.

And you know what will blunt any possibility of sexuality, sensuality, anything like that. I think you know where you're going here. When you get to this club scene and it cuts to the band Insolence playing their song, Poison Well. I don't know any of that. Dude, it's like subcorn. Okay. Are you a fan of this? No. I mean, you're a big music guy. I was a big music guy, but the subcourt, I like corn. I wasn't subcorn. Right. This is, I thought it was coin for a second. It's baby corn. What's subcorn? It's a baby corn. Okay, there's corn. What's another vegetable like corn? There's got to be other ones in the family. Baby corn. Zucchini, but

spelled with like three Zs. And a K, you can get a K in there instead of the C's. Backwards? Maybe, but you know what? You're going too far. I think you're going to get a lawsuit there. That's fair. That's true. Jonathan Davis will sue your vegetable company. We were going to. Yes,

this is Jonathan Davis. We were going to have you open. What a wonderful thing. Zucini with three Zs and a K opening for corn with one K backwards. But then you had to do the backwards K, didn't you? You'll be hearing from our lawyers, which is spelled with a Z, by the way.

Jonathan Davis is in his team of lawyers. But yeah, so she's just like, you know, I'm not over Bo, Brandenberg yet. And he's like, I'm just looking for a friend. Of course. You're like, yeah. I'm just looking for a friend. Next scenes her in a bikini.

Fantastic. Is this the pool scene? The pool scene is when we get to Japan First, we go to Toronto really quickly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because basically like... We're cruising world. I told you, Kit. We are cruising world.

It kind of made me on to play cruising USA. We're on the BQE now. Uh-oh. Oh, how you doing, Manhattan? Yeah. Stuck in traffic round. Okay. This movie does a thing where I always feel bad.

Like, if it's a, a sporting thing where, like, I'm not into the sport, but we're showing these real announcers. And the movie's like, we're showing these ESPN racing announcers. And I'm like, who the fuck? fuck are these guys? But like, clearly people recognized them. And we're like, oh, yeah, it's fucking Jeff the race car. Is that true? Yeah, these are real guys. Yeah, that's right. This is Pube Felman here at the Indy 500. Beautiful day at the Indy 500 in Japan. Hello. And what's that? Oh, it's another incredible crash. What an awesome crash. They really do that in

this movie. They say there's someone is like in process of literally, dying and hopefully being a man on fire. Ooh, you would hope. You would wish. The guys are flying in the air. Their cars are being destroyed around us. And he's, the announcer's like, awesome. It is kind of weird. It's, uh, yeah, you know, like, hey man, like, this rocket car is flying through the air and this dude's like strapped in with nothing but a helmet, like a little heat shield around his head. Like, maybe don't be that horny for the carnage.

It just seems really, because they, the movie amplification. certain things like that. And then it downplays everything else to be more real, I get, or just boring and bad. All right. We're going to go down to the field. We're going to talk to our correspondent, Amelia Fudd. Amelia, what's going on at the track?

That is how you know that those two ESPN guys are real dudes because they just have normal names. They don't have Stallone screenwriter names. They should have just made like, like when Memo eventually gets in that car accident. They should have had Till Schweiger be the one that cause it and have zero remorse. Yeah. Yeah.

And he should die. in it. Well, that's, I mean, isn't that what you're expected? I mean, we'll get to that point. Yeah, I was expecting a movie and it turns out I didn't get one. Not a movie. Not happening. Uh, speaking of memo, this is where we meet my ex-wife, Kathy, man. And uh-oh, she's married to my

best friend, memo. This is embarrassing for old Hummer. Man, Gina Gershahn's wardrobe in this movie. Woo! Something, man. How about the denim, uh, the denim on denim with the denim hat? The denim hat. The denim hat

is the thing that really, really, It hits hard. It's fascinating because not only is it a denim hat, it's a denim. Like, it is a combo bucket cowboy hat. Yes. Oh my God. It's truly. The brim is just doing all different kinds of things. You don't know where that fucker's going. It must exist for if her boyfriend memo gets off the track, walks over, needs something to puke in. She'd take that off. I would gladly throw up in that hat. I'd throw up in that denim vest. I'd throw up on the denim shirt. I think she's wearing. denim boots. Gina, if you're listening, I would throw up all over you. Reach out. He's a real man, Gina. He knows what a woman likes.

It is a real hilarious, like, oh, man. You know what? Someone's got to like puke play and it just might be here. He just may be. You got to cross your fingers on that one.

You never know what's going to happen and I'm just putting it out. Wow, the glass table guy and the puke play lady are in the same movie playing X's. Oh my God. shit John John Waters needs to host that

a round table discussion with them glass table discussion so Stallone Stallone's like why'd you marry him and she's just like

because he's in a younger better you like right for this delivery well it's true but you shouldn't say it yeah not very good bedside manner there Gina Gerson

man you're fucking ex-wife married your friend from work I mean this is this Stallone character is really down man But again like when he talks to Memo he's pretty like Yeah yeah I get it man

I mean you're just so fucking hot I mean I kind of get it I'll be honest They're both sucking each other's dick Giving each other hummers which is wonderful They're very complimenting The car I cannot be more

express about this. It's the car. Jinnig or Sean did have a line of like, what is it with you two? Don't get me that brotherhood of speed crap. So I like, I like the brotherhood of speed. That should have been the name of the movie. The meth men. It's just about, it's just about dudes hanging out a race track together. And doing speed. And doing speed together. That would be amazing, right? Oh, well, that's, you can have a movie called like pit jockeys. And it's like, it's about everybody but the racer. And like, you never. even see the racer's face. You know, I'm kind of surprised nobody, like a waiting movie,

but with the pit crew. Oh, sure. You wonder why that didn't come out. Maybe it did, but only on VOD like 2003. Yep. Car goes by too fast. One of them catches on fire, runs around screaming. Can I, does anybody know where the fire extinguisher is? Bill, you're on your own. We're sorry. I love this fucking DeMille again, man. He's a son of a bitch. The the lady friend here, Sophia, like, comes up and introduces herself. She goes, I'm Sophia. He goes, that's your problem. Like, they really amp up just how much of a total ass he is.

Great response whenever anybody's introducing it. If you can let that one fly, go right ahead. That's your problem. And to which he then, when he realizes, like, what's going on and like she's there with Jimmy and not over with Bo anymore, he goes, so what's the deal? You're working your way down the track? Man, what a fucking dick. I mean, it's true, but he shouldn't say it.

But, like, you know what I mean? That, like, this is a character that at the end of the movie. Yeah. Well, I guess he does get punched in the face, but, like, not as hard as he should have. No, no, no, he should get slammed right in the nuts, I think. Like, a good, uh, throw the, the, nerds. Throw the leg back and then it swings all the way back up. Right. And then he, he spits out two testicles out of his mouth.

pick him up the doctors they can reattach him so they have this race and you know Bert Reynolds I guess does he pulls some shitty move

where it's like he makes Stallone go into the pit and like waits for Jimmy to drive by because Tilschweiger's like catching up to him and he makes Stallone

like cut off Tillschweiger ensuring that Jimmy wins the race and that turns into a big like shithead thing where Bo's like if you do that to me again I'm going to run you off the road

I'm going to kill you you're right but like that's I guess this is part of the strategy that you know your father-in-law was talking about like you use other cars to block other cars and that's kind of interesting

yeah I guess the deal though is like you shouldn't like pull out in front of somebody like that from the pit kind of blindside him well yeah because you could kill some like literally kill somebody that's exactly right

because you could kill someone that's that's correct it's not like You're going too early. You're throwing to football a little too quick. No, no, no, no. If you kill someone, they'll just say, another awesome crap.

Oh, my God, another awesome combustion of human flesh. Because nothing, like, they are above the law completely. We'll get to that scene later. But they are above the law. Yeah. So they do a press conference,

and it's like, oh, my God, Jimmy, it's so great. Isn't it great for you to be back on top and blah, blah, and then, like, you know, Till Schweiger has to be like, Yeah, it was a perfectly good race. And then, like, he does the, like, and again, it's a thing where, like, at least in this instance, we're pretending to be cool, you know, for the public's sake.

And he stands up to leave and he's just like, enjoy this because it will never happen again. Do you understand? This is a great impression. This is exactly what he sounds like in this movie. Yeah, and back here, Trucks Simpleton from Racing Worlds. Are you fucking his girl or what, man? What's the deal? First conference is over.

Well, that guy's worth a fortune. I mean, his family invented Simpletons. I love him. Truck Simpleton. Oh, yeah. Go away back. They go to see all my movies. I love him.

Those idiots go back to Eons. He's a fucking dumb family. It's about, I mean, you think the Gettys are big. Simpletons have been running this place for as long as you fucking know, brother. That sounds like a fucking Frank Stallone Instagram live. Yeah, the Simpletons, man. They're at. that you know what of it i think one of the sorrows or whatnot you know he had some post about um on his

instagram years ago about going to the gym or something i think he blocked me on there too sure he had this post about like about like how good of shape frank stalone he's like talking about how great shape he's in and he was like he's like because i eat to live not live to eat that's why i'm not a porker no jeet all right good job frank wild way we go I saw actually a hilarious, because I started following Sly on Instagram. Uh-oh. And I guess he was like, yeah, man, it's a Sunday dinner over at Slice House, man, everybody's hanging out afterwards, maybe have a cup of coffee, just watch the football game.

And uh-oh, here's my brother Frank Stallone to sleep in the chair, better fuck with him. And like, he like puts, I forget what it was. He draws a penis on the nose. It puts a little feather up in there his nose. No, it's like they were eating cake or something. He put a little frosting like on his nose. I see. And it's, and like, he's got the camera right in his face. And Frank Stone's just, like, snoring in this lazy boy. Oh, wow. And then he wakes up like, uh, what, uh, uh, uh. And then it's just like, uh, eh. And he's still, like, slides like laughing at it. It's, it was pretty funny. Oh, my God. I, you know, yeah, I wouldn't get along with them, but I would kind of love to hang out with them. That seems like a fun after. I think Stallone, if he's going to, if he ever is going out, I think he should pull a, uh, a titus. You know, the shake.

I thought you meant comedian Christopher Teichael. I'm not telling him to disappear from the world. No. With zero cultural impact. No, I'm not asking him to do that. What I'm asking him to do is I think he should like, all right, Arnold, why don't you come over? I'm going to do a feast man. And we're just, we're going to have burgers and you're going to love it. And then he comes over here. He's like, oh, yeah, enjoy your burger, huh?

That's your mini donkey. I ground up your mini donkey and fed them to. You invite me over. I was expecting Christopher Titus. Instead, you made me eat my own horse. I thought I was going to be dining at a barbecue in the backyard with Christopher Titus, one of my favorite actor-comedians. You used to be Lulu.

Now you would be Pooh-Poo. I mean, Titus was a classic. Who was his father? Was that Stacey Kitch? Yes, yeah, man, it was Stacey Kitch. Classic, sick. so funny and they like cars too and he had the brother that definitely existed

oh yes I remember that guy oh I remember him very well when we screened postal down at the ranch oh yeah oh yeah that's he was in posto yeah that was he's holding hands with Osama bin Laden who is played by the soup Nazi wait what I believe so that sounds right Oh, that's that

Owee ball. I would love to know Arnold's take on him, honestly, because that guy's a crowd and a half. Yeah. Oh, Arnold's probably a fan. Oh, how about this? Arnold, if you're listening, I know you are. Um, crowd and a half. Take a, take a lesson from Bert Reynolds here. Yes. You and a little kid, you're dressed in a leader hose and it's hilarious. You cross schwances at some point. Oh, totally. Get the littlest kid from blackish. Yep. Oh, my. Like, that's a million dollars I just made you. Well, a hundred million, probably.

Probably a hundred million dollars. So I should get a million. Yes. If a crowd and a half happens, copyright, copyright, we hit movies. I feel this was all coming back to you should be given a million dollars. That's the whole, that's the fucking thesis of the show. Well, look, if it's a hundred mill, did you got to push for 10%? Oh, yeah.

Look at that. 10 million. Oh, yeah. For me. Yeah. Wonderful. You know, it's a funny costuming decision

in this movie? Every time Kip Pardue is not racing. Yeah. And he's just supposed to be like, oh, Garsh, I'm Jimmy Blah. He,

they put him in these like Clark Kent boxy nerd glasses and it's like, what are you fucking doing? Is he, does he work in IT? Is this like a pseudo hacker character? Well,

that's like he's supposed to be like the new wave, right? Because he's doing all these laptops like, Swigger just knows the game and just goes out there and does it. It feels the track. But he's, it's like moneyball. Like, he's tracking the fucking, like, numbers.

Yeah, that's what that, like, simulation was and what you're totally right. That sucks. Yeah, that's not fun. Not fun. Thank you. Yeah, well, we got to make him look like a nerd somehow, man, so you put the glasses on him. Look, everything's going to be computers soon. Racing is going to be computers.

Eating is going to be computers. And the nerd demographic's exploding more than ever. You don't think they want a race. The nerds want a race, man. They wanted a bad race. But this is where we get to Tokyo and this is the foot show. Come on down to the pool for the foot show in this movie. It's going crazy in Tokyo right here. My God. The legs, the feet, the foot show, I am utterly convinced Quentin Tarantino has this on 35 millimeter and is sprawling a state. And this is why Twill Shweiger was in Inglorious Basters at all.

Oh, interesting. It's this. Because Tarantino's watched this countless times and he's busted nuts, which is awesome. Of course. Don't get me wrong. But because honestly, I've not seen an erotic foot scene like this in quite some time, if ever. If ever. All right. Listen, Deluxe Laboratory. All I need is real three, man. All right. I don't need a full print, man. I just need real three, man. I'm running a series on

Rennie Harlan Can you give me some man Maybe it's not for you Jan Maybe coming on feet isn't for you Jan I mean it is It is this woman It made me not like feet Like I was never

I'm not a foot guy But this is like Overload It was overload And it was also like Is her feet just bad Or do I just not like feet at all I think these are stunt feet

First of all They're stunt feet That's why they're terrible Because I don't think this actress playing in Sophia can do I mean maybe she's doing the water choreography well this is like you know

I could literally do this see artful swim no you could stop it oh I'd love to watch that and pick your fucking dead body out of the bottom of the pool let's find a pool and let's replicate this wait so what at one point did you I've known you since college

when did you study synchronized swimming oh you know I used to go to plenty of water and hole back in the cat skills. And you just synced up with all the other kids. Oh, when you were, when I was a kid living in that pristine wilderness, Chris, just take your clothes off, jump in a fucking river, random rivers, random lakes. Yeah. It was it. You didn't just watch the gold diggers of 1942 or something and just like, let's try it. Well, it's my secret weapon is I did. I watched that as well. Oh. So I know that. And I know crick swimming. I see. Oh, it's more dangerous. Dangerous. I mean, it's from the streets. It's, it's really, it's like it's Jonathan Majors for. is Michael B. Jordan. Thank you. It's exactly what it's like. But I mean, all the leg twirling. I could twirl my leg. You know, not like this. These are nice legs. I mean, they're not bad. But I mean, this is some choreography. One of my good asses. Bef, be, be, be serious for a minute. First of all, you got to shave those puppies. Yeah, well,

little golden boys. You wouldn't even notice. That's actually true. It actually helps. It helps with the, the synchronized swimming if you have more hair. Actually, you want Robin Williams air all over you. That's what makes the best swimmers. Listen, listen, some people like the hairy stuff. It's true. It's kind of insane though, because here's this woman swimming in this pool. Legs, feet, ass, all over the place.

She curls her feet in such a weird way and it just looks nasty. Anyway, go ahead. But it's like a sexual. She's like winking at this guy with her feet. That's the whole weird thing. It's like, I get the feet thing. But the weird thing to me is like, Yeah, we're just friends.

And we're just going to hang out by the pool. You're going to be in this bikini and flirt with me all the time. And I'm going to have this fucking 1999 Intel laptop where I'm doing my race simulation. And like she comes out the pool and like it is a one way ticket to fucking boob town. Okay. Richmond high. It's like the same fucking thing. Yeah, pretty much.

Pretty much. Right. Right fucking bikini. Fast times. Christmas vacation. Exactly. Like that's what we're talking about. She's doing like a see anything.

you like situation. And he goes, he goes, what do you call that? Or what are you doing or something like that? And she goes, I'm swimming. And he goes, you call that swimming? And I'm like, hey, assholes, she wants to suck you off. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing right now? I thought Joe Tanto was the hummer. So I'm going to wait for sly to suck me on. Yeah, yeah. Kip was a little Bly. Sorry, Jimmy Bly was a little mixed up there. Listen, I know there's probably seven Kipps listening. That's a rough name, man. There is a completely inappropriate,

unnecessary scene in this movie right after that where Till Schweiger's like exercising at the raceway in Japan, he's running up the steps. And Stallone like basically has this confrontation where it's like, hey man, you got to get that girl back, man. You love it, right? Don't you love it, man? And I'm like, what movie is this?

Like, the music swells up to such this like saccharine emotional like CW team drama level and it's just it's just Sylvester Stallone and Till Schmeiger talking at a racetrack and it's this weepy score I mean awful it's it's really bad

because also because if you're going to have scenes like this I need to care about Estelle Warren and like what is happening like all I know is that at one point they were engaged that's the full breadth of my knowledge of what their relationship was like that is my fuller of who they are.

They were together. That was about all I know. And he drives a car. I don't even know what she does. I was looking at my notes there because there was a Tilschweiger and Sly have a back and forth about like yeah man, like if you really want it, you crawl on back. This is the scene.

I would crawl right back for Gina. Oh, look at that denim hat. Never mind. Oh, Joe, you never crawled. Yous never crawl, Joe. Just never crawl, Joe. you're telling me that Joe's a Humatantau would crawl I don't think so No you drive you drive to her

backwards you drive backwards to her And Tilshweger's doing this like cute little laughing performance there Of like actually being maybe you know I'm going to consider this or whatever And we're getting along It just feels weird It feels weird in this movie Yep it's just it's for a different movie

I think Slag like accidentally got some pages from a different script mixed in there. And then it was like, uh, yeah, I know all the character names changed for a second there, but yeah, no, this is supposed to be in the movie. Yeah, you just call me Batman for the next three minutes and we're out of here. And then technically be on my resume. And that's just a, that's a one hitter, man. Joe Tato slash Hummer slash Batman.

Do you know how easy it is to get a job if you used to be Batman? It's just like that, man. So in that race, nothing happens other than he overdrives the car and slams into a wall and crashes and loses. Seems to be doing that a lot. The losing thing happening a lot. Another awesome crash. I might see his skeleton. So he's dead.

Well, he's not here. But there's some guy, I think Max Pappas at one point, they introduced him. I don't know why I remembered his name. that guy goes flying through the sky I think maybe in Japan and then we just cut away and it's just like on with the race yeah we have no idea what happened to that guy

dude no updates for that not even a man on fire running around no um and then this we get to the only scene from this movie that I remembered existing was the black tie gala yeah because I remembered the shot of them like they're showing off like the new model

race cars or whatever and they them onto this like infinity pool or waiting pool kind of thing and I was I remembered the shot of cars driving in the pool and that was it. Yeah. This whole two hour and fucking seven minute movie. That's all you need.

That's all you need. This just sets up the the fast and furious race that Stallone and Kip Purdue get into afterwards. But it is it is worth noting that the whole joke is that Stallone shows up in this enormous jacket

and like a sweater and white t-shirt. Black tie. I should tell you, I don't know how to dress myself. When they said black tie, I just, I decided to take a black tie with me. Here's the joke. You see the joke? I'm holding it up here. All right, Luke, I'm going to love with you.

I still wear a diaper. Do you want to write me, Luke? Eat it. There's a place, there's a bathroom right over there, baby. This is what you're signing up for, babe. where's your journalistic integrity wipe me they could call the changing station of the pit pull over to the pit for a second tune me up got to tune me up oh man i think that's what like probably probably like these like old timer like stock car racing guys like they do that oh i got to

pull over to pit here oh janice pull over i got to go to the pit here and it's like they just got to go to the rest stop or something oh the pit pit stop literally got a piss it's funny because you think i I say piss stop. No, I said pit stop. You know, because I was a racer, and I'm also so old that back in the day, you used to pee in a pit. I know running water. There was a hole out back. Every track had one.

It was called the piss hole pit stop. You called it everything you want to do. And when it got filled up, of course, you get Terry over there and he suck it right out. Shitter was full. I love the drugs. He likes it, though. Don't worry. It's delicious.

I love drunk Gina Gershahn in this scene. Like, it basically starts with a close-up on her martini. And it's like, oh, yeah, well, oh, look, her he's here. Oh, the big winner of the day. Another ship. Go, go, go, go, go, go. She, like, sort of gets into it with Luke in the bathroom here. Because it's just like, oh, you want to go after my ex-husband, huh?

well aren't you a little slut next time you see him next time I'm there when you guys are there look at him he's still not over me oh that's what she says watch him look at me he's still not over me and she does the great oh yeah I'll definitely do that

and starts like picking her eye with her middle finger I think she gave me the finger all right attitude oh yeah so good work for you all right all right whatever you say drunk tank Daisy. Like, just calm down. It's fine. Don't you, aren't you with memo, email, or whatever his name is?

Yes, the sexy Spanish racer email. Yeah, well, his full name is inner office memo. I see. Interoffice memorandum. And his beautiful brother, reply all. There's a great, oh man, there is a... By the way, you don't want to do reply all. And everyone will know

about it. Oh, well, He just talks. He talks to everybody. Well done. You're welcome, everyone. Thank you. I'm going to leave right now. I know. Yeah, we don't have your applause button here, sadly. Yeah, right. The applause button's on the Gleap Glacery, which is on Patreon. Patreon.com slash

we had movies for applause button. Yes. It's a good one, folks. There's a really pathetic, like, Jimmy, it's like the easiest softball quite. He's talking to a press guy. And you just, you watch this dude botched the easiest press question of like,

Oh, so Jimmy, what would you do if you, if you won the championship this season? And this dude, this fucking hot shot racer main character of this movie just goes, uh, I don't know. And then like, you can tell the reporter does a really great job of like, oh, fuck, I can't believe that was his answer. And he just goes, well, I know what I'd do. I'd throw a party, says this reporter. You don't think, so Jimmy, you don't think you want to maybe go somewhere. you maybe want to go to a place that rhymes with

Bizney Rand. Are you sure? You wouldn't want to maybe do that? I'm not done right in the screenplay. And then the reporter says, I'd throw a party. All right. Control S.

Now I can go to dinner. Okay. No, it's editing time. Put the cap on. A really good party. Really, really good party. And whatever. you know, Jimmy and Bo get into it here over Stella Warren and Jimmy takes off in a race car driving down the street in Chicago and Sly gets in the car after him.

And this, when I tell you, I was like, I did a little homer's. You were blown away by this? No, no, no, no. I did like a Homer Simpson like, ah. Like when you see them peeling down the road in this first shot and it's just the two little quarter-sized C.E. G.I. heads in these race cars. Holy fuck. It is so funny. The over the

head, overhead shot of Chicago and you just see the blips. The two little fuzzy colored circles. And then there's like, they go over a manhole cover and it flies off. That's how fast you're going. Excuse me, Eric. That happens

twice. Of course. It was that good. Got to do it twice. And both times they used a cucka-cumputer. The second time it almost hits Stallone's computer head too. Oh, dude, that's CG. And he's like, what? You know what?

When I was doing the film Assassins with my good Van Antonio Bandera, I learned that one of the things that Assashions have to do is the double tap. And it's more efficient. So if you do something cool twice, it becomes better. It's the thing. It doesn't

dull it at all. It actually it emphasizes it more. That's right. We are the only real manhole covers left. I mean, yeah, so they do this. And, of course, it's all like, you don't even get like a good racing shot. It's just like close-ups of them with the kind of background. The girl getting her fucking skirt.

Oh, the dress. Yeah, the skirt blows up. The, uh, we speed by the bus stop and the glass shatters. That's awesome. The ass is focused on frame for a little bit. Of course. Oh, oh, yeah. There's some, it's a little bunnage there, dude.

It's nuts. And then. The kind of more interesting one is when they go under the trucks on the truck stop. That's kind of cool. Like Stallone is going under the trailers of the tractor trailer. It's something. It's something. It is really something.

I'm looking for something. And they just kind of like stop eventually and get out the car and start yelling at each other. They have a big, you know, sort of fight in the street. It actually was a little reminiscent of Rocky Five. Like yelling in the street about fighting someone. And then, you know, the Chicago police said, need backup because they did the speedometer thing or whatever was like a they're driving a hundred ninety five miles an hour in the city yeah and uh there's helicopters that are you know

there's spotlights on them but nothing ever comes of it you never hear of it again someone did a little code on the PlayStation controller and all the stars went away and then they were just standing in the street uh with some cars that shouldn't be there well you know i mean for all i know it would work like you could probably race some racing car in any city and then be like, yeah, I'm famous. Yeah. I mean, I get what, no, but like, even if that's true. Oh, they're fined by the race company 25 grand each.

Yeah. But like, even if it's, that's not what's going to happen. I would like this at least to be interesting. Do they have to get out of it? Can you just be like, I'm Joe Tanto. Oh, Joe Tanto. Well, okay. That's okay that you're doing this. Move their argument to the police station. Yeah, yeah. In the holding, a holding pen. Why not? That's.

something. And there's more drama to that. Yes. It changes scenery. There's plenty of good things that come from that. You're actually being somewhat coherent in your story. As is consequences. There's consequences. And we're battling each other and shit's getting real. Yeah. You have, because there is that sequence where they are racing

these loud ass cars and Stallone is yelling at him from one car to the other like, pull over man, pull over. And like no one can hear you. I probably not, right? But like what you do, this is where the moment is, right? Because it's like, pull over. man pull over and he can be like why

what are you going to do or you know who's going to stop me something like that smash cut to them in the jail cell like this is why I told you to stop yeah so you know like fucking anything even if you could hear over the engines you certainly are not going to hear over the chemical brothers who

are jamming they play most of out of control during this scene and like that's actually the good side of the soundtrack track crystal method and chemical brothers I will take over insolence and whatever these fucking butt rock fucking shit is going on. It's horrific.

This is a really bad, bad soundtrack. The worst of the worst is they play this. I know this song from Scrubs, which is never a good sign. Leroy's, are you having a good time? It plays like four times nearly in full in this. I'm not having a good time.

No, I'm not. And it's like it's also sounds very insecure. Are you having a good time? Everybody out there. Are you having a good time? Come on. We got Stallone here.

Come on. Well, I think one of the, I was laughing because while it's all like we're fighting over this girl and whatever, I'm pretty sure one of the lyrics is, are you having a good time sleeping with another man's wife? And I was like, what are you? This is about memo, bro? Is a memo song we're listening to here? We get to Germany for the next race. and do this announcer you just hear

welcome to Germany, the home of beer, the Audubon, and Bo Brandenburg. Okay. I am Otto von Treetop here to tell you about the race. He is family invented tree taps.

You know, it used to be the Detroit, it just stopped. It was just a wood stop right there. There's no top to whatsoever. Every arborist in this country's got to give his parents 25 cents It does very well from show So we

You know Montage fucking 14 here I think It's a montage of like Jimmy sort of straightening out Getting his act together Driving better in the practice or whatever Leg is a little fucked up In the crash or something

Crash hasn't happened yet I think the crash is this race But this is like You know after the street race Stallone tells him to like you know Shape up or ship out So he's got to be We got to pause the movie

because coming up, look at that, the Hawaiian tropics girls. They're giving you a wave. Check it out, guys. Are you having a good time? Sleeping with another man's wife. Me, we all rubbed the end of dumb and dumber, right? Come on.

Take a look at what's happening. And for this race, Bert Reynolds decides he's had enough of it with Joe Tanto. Memo is going to be the number two driver. And Tanto's just like, you know, coaching on the radio or whatever this this race is

the Gina Gershahn and the fucking denim explosion which is so bad because spoiler memo is about to get fucking nearly killed and for her to have to be like tragic yeah in this wardrobe

yep exactly like you don't want to be dealing with a family emergency dress like this absolutely not no and just be crying in this outfit no oh man Jimmy just try to be a man here and it goes to apologize to him or whatever, which is I agree with

I agree with Beau Brandenberg where it says, apologize to yourself. You want us. You son of bitch. Piece of shysa. But so, Bert Reynolds also says here that if Jimmy does not win this race,

then he is not the lead guy anymore. He's not going to be driving. Ray starts, is this filters Hey man, nice shot. Yeah, like, as if there wasn't enough of like, like, memo's got to go in for you last minute.

Who among these characters could be killed without anybody really giving a shit? Memo. And dude, and you have, you have all the telltale signs that this dude was going to eat shit, right? Because he's like, someone says to him like,

oh, somebody's looking for, to get their job back or whatever. And then he's like, hey guys, I'm just here. And I want to say that I love driving and I love being alive. It is like he may as well say like I'm one week away from retirement. And like we do the race and it's like, like Memo's whole job is like he's the number two dude. And like Jimmy is positioned to win it. And Memo is the dude who has to play like defense.

And Memo decides he's going to be more on the offense here and break with with Bert Reynolds plan and tries to get ahead. Tries to get ahead of his own teammate, Jimmy Bligh. by the way, the CGI rain in this sequence? Oh, good God. Were we not ready for that? We're just, look, somebody's got to be the first one through the wall. Jesus, man. Somebody just get a fucking fire hose like this. No, sir. James Cameron, can you remake Driven? Yeah, please. Just the rain parts. Like everything else you can keep. It's perfect. But make sure the rain looks right. Everything else is perfect. The memo car accident isn't the only accident that's in this race, though.

the start of it, this is where one car totally spins out and it stops facing the wrong way and then another car rams into it drives, it's like you're watching a fucking Hong Kong action movie. It goes flying. This is what I was thinking about earlier. This is the Max Pappas racer.

It's just like, there he goes. Anyway, back to the race. You don't even see it fall. Can you imagine a Greek driver almost dead? Well, he did it. He's above the level. He's driving above the clouds. he's going to be oh he's got to get to the flag pull at the castle a lot quicker than

Bo Brandenberg he's got to get the Mushroom World Cup oh and the princess is in another castle we'll have to move on from Germany to another country there is um it's really speaking about the product placement and stuff it's really great that PlayStation and for the time the movie came out the PlayStation 2 are being advertised so hardcore in this because all of these graphics look like they're straight out of a fucking PS1 racing game. I mean, it is... Meet your new partner, Crash Bandicoot.

Well, this really is some twisted metal, man. Someone driving an ice cream truck? Who's that evil doctor always following you around? What's his deal? The police sirens turn into lightning bolts. Somewhere around here, Bert Reynolds's funniest

line of the movie is like Geneager Shun's like yelling something into the headset. Brett Reynolds just goes, hey, shut up. This is really, and it's like seconds before this dude gets in the car accident. She's egging him on. Like, Memo, you can do it. You can win the race.

And he's like, shut up, shut up. You're going to blow it. First of all, why is the spouses and girlfriends? Why do they have headsets into the race with the coaches? You'd think that would be a distraction, right? Because you see, there's one of the races, I don't know if it's this one or one of the previous ones where, like, we get a montage of presumably all these, like, real drivers. that they got to like cameo

all doing like their pre-race rituals of like putting a picture of my family into my you know suit pocket whatever like all of that shit happening but like yeah Gina Gershan is like not every racer's you know partner is out on the fucking track with a headset it's only gonna be

the only the ones that are going to be devastated today like that's you make sure they're out there so this you know memo you know he fucks it up and he goes flying out of the track into a swamp somewhere. This is insane. The swamps of Germany. It's like

his thing, you know, his car's on fire. It flies into this swamp. There's like gasoline in the swamp. A fuel, man. It's few. Fair enough. There's one part where the reporter is like so, something, something gas. And he's like, few. It's called few. This is like a Reddit comment and a half. You better say if you. So the, the tree lights on fire at one point. Oh, yeah. And there's just like,

emergency services cannot reach them. Like, that's your job what is that they're taking fucking forever socialism folks on display they can't reach him oh look at that jimmy blind now driving down the wrong way of the racetrack what's he doing yep oh wait he's doing their job for them because they're not doing it but also he's endangering the lives of everyone else who's racing because he's driving the wrong way we just saw what happened max papp his cousin's fucking neck broke so yeah like Jimmy drives off the track and jumps in to save him, then fucking

Till Schweiger goes in on it. I was so certain that Till Schweiger was just going to fucking like, let me finish the vase. Then I will get to you. Don't worry. I'll be there a minute. No, but Till Schweiger goes, he's like, it's got to explode. You better get away from there. The fuel is going to burn.

Fuel, a flu size and is in there. You also think that's like, he gets there and he's like, no, I cannot come in. I cannot help you. And I was like, oh, fucking Memo is about to drown to death and then be burned to death because Till Schweiger won't get in the water. Cowards out. But again, he does the good thing.

Stop it. Every cowards. Get me some cowards. Every moment you could make this character flawed or, you know, an adversary of any kind. You don't. I mean, I guess the racetrack is a perfect analog for the film where it's just you're going around in a circle. Yeah. He, everyone, everyone, oh, this one, this turn is kind of a shit at.

Oh, no, he's a good guy. oh he's got a shit oh no no he's a good guy he's a good guy he's got of a shit oh no he's a good guy there's a great uh speaking of all the the announcers and stuff there's two great things we got like a there's like a chopper overhead like filming the the wreckage and whatever the two guys the exchanges oh damn oh that is horrifying you know auto i can't help but think back to the that's the fuck goddamn this is what drove me nuts is you you the you hear like the name of all these like tracks and it's wonderful things and then you think about what they would all be named today like welcome to the Crypto Panda Raceway in Toronto Canada welcome to the NFT turd fart beltway the 1-800 accountant Speedway yep yeah you're right I so whatever this dude's in the hospital and the movie can't decide whether or not he's

fucking paralyzed by the way. That's never a thing. I think he's not but they're pulling him out the water and he's like I can't feel my legs. I can't. And I was like oh bummer he's you know now he's like a Burr-Rennel. His legs didn't get the memo. That's your problem right there. It's Stallone's edits. We're all like, all right, we got

to do, take out the bummers. Anything that's bumming you out, we get rid of it. I need to see this three hour cut. Because like that's what saying like I can't feel my legs. Everybody knows that means the legs are gone. I guarantee you there was a scene where Sly brings some flowers to his fucking hospital rooms. Yes. And I need that. Sniff these. They'll make your legs come back.

It's that simple brother. The magic. Yeah. The magic. But it's insane because it's like what's his face. Jimmy is also in the hospital. He fucked up his foot. Because the car like in the swamp like sort of rolled on it or whatever. This is around when we get the Burt Reynolds monologue with Sly where it's just like I'm letting you know for I'm letting you know I'm cutting the boy like he's done

this is probably the most effective scene even though I don't really remember anything that happens to guys with presents two performers with presents thank you yes exactly yep he says you know he's letting him go because Jimmy got out of the car and saved

you know save memo and Stallone's like he's helping his teammate man try to be a human being What is it all about just watching people get into car crashes? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, it kind of is. Kind of a little bit. Yeah, his whole thing is like, you know, let me tell you. We're all damaged, all right?

All right? That's not like skiff. All right. That whole thing. He has a good screaming line here. It's the law and where he's like, I watched you kill yourself. He says that. He goes, I've got an excuse, you know, not to race.

You don't. You know, he's like pounded him in the wheelchair and everything. Oh, yeah, that was all that was to keep in Bert Reynolds from the race track. A hundred year old Bert Reynolds is going to walk it or Henry James or whatever his name is. Somehow Slice Stallone, the P.E teacher of this race team was able to talk to his way into allowing Jimmy to stay. If he can like get in and out of the car within four seconds and like jump on the bad foot. Yes, that's the whole, you know, slides like, well, you know, hey man, you're trying to cut him, be like, memo may not be paralyzed

and then it's just me man so you know Jimmy take some of these axi you make you jump you won't feel it when you jump up and down that's like you know I guess I guess part of like the actual I mean they say the regulations in the movie anyway or like you have to be able to get yourself out of the car in five seconds like you know

in case there's an emergency right you gotta be able to move so there's that in case your partner I guess is thrown into a swamp and set on fire. Exactly. Just got to be prepared for those instances. But then this is like he does that and totally fine and Stallone's like all right man, well here we go.

And then Bert Reynolds's like why don't you jump on that foot 10 times? That's my test. Like it's another yelling right here. And yeah, this guy just kind of hops for a little bit and does it. But like, okay. Well, thanks everybody for this thrilling

scene. Could we just get to the race, please? Do I want to. I'm so tired of these races, but here, folks, it's the last race. That's the last race. Why I'm excited at least. And because he thinks that Jimmy is going to be fired by Bert Reynolds,

DeMille, Robert Sean Leonard as the brother slash agent, moves to become Bose agent. Yes. At some point. Big mistake. And yeah, you know, they have a big yelling match. And again,

it's a thing where it's like Robert Sean Leonard all of a sudden, like, isn't an asshole. And instead, this character's, like, injured. And it's like, 10 years, being a nobody, you're working behind the scenes while you get all the spotlight. And I was like, what is this character? And I like Robert John Leonard fine. I think he's a really good actor. But like, this character is in seven different directions in this movie. I mean, he, he is praying to the Lord above and thanking him every day for Hugh Lorry in House. Oh, sure. I mean, because if, if it was, wasn't for that. He's in this kind of situation.

He's still doing these. Way too much. And it is a problem. He'd be a dad on the CW. Oh, big time. The Flash's dad. Oh, that might be something. As it is, they had the guy who played the Flash TV show playing the father. Did he play? Oh, yeah. That's that right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I only watch a couple seasons. So he made the Flash

because he like came too quick in the lady? And that's no, like it's just the actor. Oh, it's the actor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Although that would be a good joke For the Flash to play We get one final Because it's like the last race One final like

Life at the Race track Fandom sort of introductory montage Here including this woman You catch this because it's like The babes are out tonight And all the fellas are there To watch the race or whatever And here's this woman deep throating a churro

Did you see that? There were like numerous It was a montage of people hogging down on like just phallic objects. It's a hot dog. Yes, there is a hot dog definitely. They're all Hummer fans. They're saluting him. Dude,

I mean, that churro is like, whoa, wah, wah. And you're just like, what is this movie? This is highly unorthodox, but we have Joe Tanto in the booth. I just wanted to let you know. It's the car. The car that you drive

down the road. Not the blow job. I'm sure. I look down there, those ladies with those churros, another awesome deep thro. You're not helping my point here, brother. I've got to tell you, you know what? You're an inspiration to hummers everywhere. Last time I got a blowjob, I thought of you.

You know, okay, fine. It's the head. I was named after head. That's right. I know we got a race to get to, but there's just one woman going to town on that delicious, delicious dessert. The concessions here in Germany. I don't even know how she got a carrot, but apparently she's going to town on it.

Or whatever country we're in right now. This is the big finish in Detroit, dude. We're in the Motor City for this final race. Why isn't it fucking Iggy Pop fucking emceeing this? Welcome to the race track. Oh, wow. That's why, hey, him and Stallone could understand each other. That's true.

It's like two whales talking. That'd be me. Icky Pop's like, oh, no, I got it. Don't worry about it. I speak Stalone songs. Just two guys talking in Tim Allen grunts to each other. Oh, he's presenting himself. Fine house. And I, you know, whatever, man, this fucking race. So what a surprise.

Like, Jimmy wins it. Yeah. Sly's car, the axle breaks and he slides into third place. I want to see Sly like slide across the finish line and the car like completely falls apart like the blues brothers. I mean, that's, you should have a big comic end to the. If it's not that, then I'm saying a problem child level vomiting is in if you're spinning like that. Oh, yeah. long.

Right? It's flying. It's a big hose going out your mouth. And like of course it is the ultimate literally come from behind victory because Billy or Jimmy rather has to start the race dead last because he fucking pulled over to help there. And Stallone, we didn't mention it. In that same scene, Stallone also becomes the third person to pull over

and try to help out. He gets there kind of like after everything's been settled but like also because he drove off the track or whatever he's I would have been here I would have been here quicker but oh god oh my hips oh god oh it's bad oh boy is everybody okay you could have just said you were giving a hummus somewhere no it wasn't that it was it was it was okay yeah it was the blowjob yeah i just give you it was a sucker so yeah so yeah the neck and neck race, right? Jimmy wins. He's

world champion. Jimmy eats world. Jesse definitely does. Deep throats a dude. Of course, Bo comes in second. And everybody, we are on the pedestals here to get the trophies. Everyone's best friends. Bert's like, Joe, you could have won that race if you tried, right?

And he's just like, I did because it's teamwork. Oh, that's right. He's like, yeah, I did win motherfucker because the team won stupid. Yeah, while all these very nice like we're summing up the movie moments are happening of course in the in the background are you having a good time racing with another man's wife with your friends and your french wine oh god oh wait that's all right so no i was i was

totally mishearing those so it's wine with your friends and your french because it's a song about like oh are you really happy like being like famous and stuff like that that way because dude so i all right so i wrote down what i thought the lyric was finally here at the end are you having a good time with your friends and your friends wives that's what i thought and i was like what the fuck welcome to utah gorgeous race here outside salt lake city uh and then we freeze frame as champions everyone's spraying champagne everybody's a winner isn't that nice what a weird way to end a movie like this. As it turns out, no one was driven. No. There's, you got nothing to root for here. There's nothing that happened in this movie.

No. It's like the brothers McMullen sit during a fucking driving. Like, it's just so, like, there's nothing to it. Like, I, it doesn't even, like, the fact that they're racers doesn't even feel like it's a matter of the, like, nobody has some, like, we don't get to see, like, scenes of them getting ready and all these, like, insiders stuff that might have juiced my, my feelings of drama on what race car racing car driving is like. No, it's just like, I want my ex-wife, and you want your ex-girlfriend

and he wants his ex-girlfriend. Well, I guess we're just all a bunch of we just don't want love. Yeah, and you know what? You better make up with your brother, man. You better be best friends with your brother by the end of this movie. Oh, yep. I see you give it a loving nod. Excellent. Everything's wrapped up. Memo, you're still

live by the end of this movie, man? Yeah, I'm all right. Okay, yeah, that's good. Our work here is done. Where's your other, is your other brother John Ford bligh here? Huh? Is Griffith's bligh here? Where's your little brother, Memo? We're supposed to know that.

And I have no brother because I'm just a bow and I was a robot that that was made. I killed him in Zavum. Oh, here's, here's Memo's father, dry raceboard. So whatever, man. is the end of this fucking lame lame movie. Final thoughts and recommendations. Eric Sisko. Checker flag. We are done with this

episode. We did it. I hated this movie. Honestly, I was, I remember it vaguely from back of the day when I probably did see it in the theater. It's somehow worse than I remember. I was like, I knew it was bad, but going back to it, I was like,

there's going to be something I could find to like about this. It's Burt. I like Stallone now, probably more than did in 2001. And it's just, this is just a nothing movie. You, you're better off, you know, getting an RV race car of your own and spinning it around in circles. Fair enough. Christopher Cabin. Yeah. I mean, this is my first time seeing this. I cannot recommend. I mean, even by my very high standards for Reni Harlan pictures, this is a pretty amazing failure. The, I don't know if, he he might have not have been a person who could get away from

R-rated things. Yeah. I think that's kind of his issue. It's like once you got a little more friendlier, less bloody in these pictures, it went all to shit. And like that's kind of, I almost, I have to prefer mind hunters because at least there's the kills there and those are pretty decent.

Some superb kills in that not great movie. This feels more of just like Stallone has a project. He likes me. I will direct it, but there's nothing here. of my actual interests. So, yeah, not for me, not for most people, I'd say.

It's a hardcore not recommend for me either. Like, you know, nothing against Rennie. He has entertained me with a shit ton of his movies, man. You know, even something like Deep Blue Sea is entertaining. We will like Covenant, the Covenant more probably. Probably. But it's still bad. I don't know.

I haven't seen it. So I shouldn't say probably have no idea. But I will also say, you know, if this was like, if this, because you saying, you know, Harlan needs the R rating, had me think, like, if this was like the same, same, you know, world that, you know, it's set in, but it was like any given Sunday, it had that kind of attitude to it.

You need the language. You need people being nasty to each other and stay in that way the whole time. Why isn't Jimmy Bly fucking his way across this great globe like he should be? Why is he hung up like on a, still damn Warren. Well, like, you know, like he could, Jimmy could be fucking Estelle Warren and, and Bo Brandenberg walks in. He's like, oh, five, what? You know, and we could actually see some like

fucking happen. That would be great. Like something erotic, anything to charge this, really. We need something. We need some fuel in the tank. We do. And this movie was out of gas from minute one. That is the last car thing that we will joke about. Because that is the end of this episode. If you want, more we hate movies. Check out patreon.com slash we hate movies where this

month, most things that we are doing on that are also patrons selected. It's not just here in the main feed. We've already released a We Love Movies episode all about Michael Kane and Sean Connery in The Man Who Would Be King. Impressions galore and

fair and balanced discussion. That's right. Both things happened on that wild ass episode. A guest star Bill O'Reilly to make it fair and balance. You know what? Our Patreon would go through the roof and we start sucking that guy's dick.

Oh, that's true, man. Yeah, get all the pinheads on board. So that's going on. We have a... Syncable commentary track on John Wick coming up. It's going to be available to you. Probably before John Wick 4 comes out later this month. How exciting for you.

We got that. And that was not patron selected. That was not patron. We've got an AD coming out on the cartoon Ugly Americans, which after Philippe showed the picture, remember he did all those cool variants of us as different animation styles.

When he showed the one of oh, I drew you guys as ugly Americans already. I remembered what the TV show is. I still have never seen it, so I don't know what's going on with that. The Gleap Glossary. We will know what's going on soon. On Patreon, we will. On the Gleap Glouclery

is we're talking about R5D4. I think I'm remembering the droid's name right. And if I'm not, that's okay too. Evil 3PO. This is, yeah, it's going to be a wild one. This is the little red guy with the bad motivator. And would you believe it, he's got a wild bonkers ass backstory. Oh, really? Oh, I'm so fucking excited. Get ready. Before I forget, by the way, uh, big thanks to Andrew for calling in and requesting. That's right. Yes. Thank you, Andrew. In North Carolina, I hope to see you soon. I just,

in general. You seem like a good guy. We have no plans right now. We did play North Carolina last year. You should have come out. So maybe he did. Who knows? And on the Nexus, we have a Voyager deep space nine. Correct. Patron selected. Yep. We are not doing patron selected for Meller 0210. No. Sadly. We're just going to be going right along. Yes. Going straight through the continuity of that because it's very, you know, in order. It's not as easy to jump around Although, next year, if we maybe want to, people can call in the episodes of the remakes. Oh, shit. That would be something.

Sure. Both very bad. So I would be very interested. I watched part of the 902101. I didn't fuck with the Melrose Place one. But one of the characters has his dad gets arrested for child pornography. Oh, yeah. Really?

Yeah. You got to go bigger, go home now. What type? Yeah. I don't know. We'll have to watch the episode. But you want stuff to watch. Also, don't forget, May 18th

will be in San Francisco talking Star Trek Voyage Home. Star Trek 4 colon the voyage home. Thank you. Yes, yes. We'll be doing a live episode in San Francisco our triumphant return. I'm so excited to be back at Cobbs Comedy

Club tickets available now. And then on May 22nd we'll be talking twins at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles, California. Oh, yeah. That's going to be great. Cannot wait to get to L.A. We are California dreaming on a winter's day. We absolutely are. But here on, we hate movies on the free feed listener request month continues next week with an all new episode. And if Steve were here, he would tell you that the new episode.

I got it. Oh, I know. You can say it. Well, it's equilibrium. It's the Gun Kata movie. I am excited. I remember this. being a ton of fun back when I saw it a thousand years ago. The only Kurt Vimmer movie I haven't seen and it's his most popular. Oh, dude, get ready. At least there's Christian Bale and we're going to have fun with it. Didn't we just do a Kurt Vimmer movie like kind of recently or no?

We did, well, what we did is we did Stone Cold and then the other Boz movie is a Kurt Vimmer. Oh, I think that's what I was thinking of. One Man's Justice, which we will eventually have to do. But new listeners, we did cover Ultraviolet on a previous. that was a disaster. If you want to hear us spinning our wheels, please just tune into that. Yes. But until next week, where we're going to have a little more fun with Equilibrium. I'm Andrew Jupin. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hit-gum part of the head-gum podcast.