We Hate Movies - S13 Ep666: The Covenant

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

On the devilish 666th episode of the show, the guys are wrapping up Listener Request Month chatting about the absolutely horrendous witchcraft-centric teen action movie, The Covenant! How did they not have a single scene of this paranormal high school movie set in the school's lunch room? What are the parameters of these guys’ witch powers? What is with this energy suck idea? And how awful is that Harry Potter joke? PLUS: Tune in to these incredible new TLC reality shows, DILF Den and Mint Swap! The Covenant stars Steven Strait, Laura Ramsey, Sebastian Stan, Chase Crawford, Toby Hemingway, Jessica Lucas, Kyle Schmid, Wendy Crewson, Stephen McHattie, Kenneth Walsh, and Taylor Kitsch as Pogue Parry; directed by Renny Harlin. Tickets on sale now for our upcoming spring and summer shows, including the just-announced VIRTUAL LIVE SHOW all about Peter Jackson's King Kong happening on 4/20! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Grab-Ass & Cancer, SW Crispy Critters, MINGO! & WHAT IF Donna? designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program We bow down to our almighty Lord of the underworld, the master of darkness and the blesser of this most evil episode. Oh, Hail Gallagher. I'm Andrew Brimstone. Stephen, oh man,

Stephen Satan. Eric 666, 6th, 6th, Chris Charcoal. And this is the 666th episode of We 8 movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes, that is better.

The zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicamand. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks. He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative.

Put the fucking ocean in the bag. It's an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. this is a fiendish devilish episode to kick off the end to kick off to kill off yeah there we go to kill our speaking of Gallagher my gosh smash it we are here talking the covenant from 2006

directed also by Rennie Harlan we are fucking we opened listener request month and we closed it with Rennie Harlan I think that's probably the first time that's happened and the weirdest part of it is the movie that everyone request, which is mine hunters, which is a Rennie Harlan movie, did not get picked. At least has good kills. Like, I won't say much in the good column for mine hunters. It's not a very good movie. But my God, the kills are spectacular. But it can't hold a candle next to the covenant. The covenant, which is, like, this is so off the map from what Rennie Harlan is good at. Yeah. Like, just completely, like, forced energy balls. Like, he's a guns guy. But also to make.

forced energy balls in general as your evil Satan power is an interesting choice. Pretty not great. You know what? And this is the best we had in terms of the, not a lot of devil movies were called in. We probably should have figured this out and requested. You told people, yes, devil us up. Because I could use some

of the dark lord in this. You know what I mean? Where is he? Well, we certainly hint at he's around and whatever. But yeah, I could use a cameo, you know, maybe like Tim Roth in a nice cut suit. Yes. The devil. That sounds good. I think he would say no to this, but

yeah, probably. But it's not, that's a good idea, at least, that this is so broad and like, you see it right when the fucking scrolls start, or I don't even, it's not, it's just like opening title. The power.

No one really knows the power, how, wait, wait, no one really knows how the power came to be. Not even the book of damnation recorded. it's beginning. You know, folks, the book of damnation. Things you never actually find out what they

are in this movie. Those who have mastered it have always been hunted. Which does not also happen. No. No one gets hunted in this movie. I crossed out haunted because I thought that's what they meant. In the middle of the 17th century, many escaped brutal witch hunting

in England and France by coming to the United States. as brutal prosecution, we're using brutal twice in this opening school. It's very good writing. As brutal prosecution. Prosecution or persecuture? Persecution. Well, you can argue both.

They're trials. I just was curious because this, you know, screed is so poorly written in the movie. Yeah, and then my handwriting's not helping anything. Yeah, I knew it was a beautiful combo of the two of those things. Those with the power spread through Massachusetts, families of the Ipswich. $5 a covenant of silence And for 300 years They were safe until now

Until now But the Nobody really knows how You know what like That's a huge problem That's a huge problem We as the writers need to solve Yep dude I got it

Nobody really knows Absolutely Absolutely dude The fucking Blank bullet inside a movie writing gun nobody really knows. And that's where the devil should come in. Speaking of, do we have a caller?

Oh, that's right. This is the Dark Lord. I wish it was the Dark Lord. I don't know. We'll see who actually called in. Maybe it is Satan. Who knows? He takes many forums.

Hi, we hate movies. This is Dana calling from Chicago. My request for listener request month is the anti-craft, the covenant, which is the worst movie about wishes ever made. but somehow you can't look away. It has it all. Volleyball. Someone calling someone else a Wiiotch,

Sebastian Stan, before he was Sebastian Stan. It's a great movie, and by great, I mean terrible. Thanks. Oh, there we go. Yes, thank you for calling in. What a selection. I think this is in our wheelhouse. What a aughts disaster.

Jesus Christ. I mean, honestly, this is one of those. This movie is so astoundingly bad. I'm sitting here like, well, where? to begin. I mean, because what the craft is not to me the point. Like what the thought I had was

is this a Twilight thing? But Twilight comes out two years after. It's very much like that. Even towards the end where we're kind of setting up a sequel here. Oh, we are certainly setting up a sequel van. Twilight is a very apt comparison because in that movie you got Kristen Stewart

coming down from Oregon to Arizona new kid in the school. This one you have Sarah coming from Boston Public. You, by the way. According to the movie, going to Ipswich and this fancy boarding school, which we never see. We see where there's one and a half seats at the boarding school. Kind of a problem. My favorite part of like the cheapness of this. So this is, I should stun no one. We filmed this up in Quebec. Oh. There's. Oh, yeah. There's two separate scenes where they're in class and school. Yes. And one is a literature class. And then the other. I think is just a straight up like history class. You bet your fucking sweet ass it is just the same set. No doubt about it.

The same fucking day. Like we got a whole day. You know, just everybody move around. So you look like in a different class. The Twilight's right though because it came out to the book was around and the book was a hit. So I think that sort of probably seeped in here.

I'm sure what by now we had known that a Twilight movie was coming. Yes. So that might have, it just might have been a thing. Get ahead of this. The real weird. I mean, there's a million things to talk.

But Stephen Strait is so terrible as the lead here. You've got like... Who? Exactly. Well, speaking of Twilight, I mean, Taylor Lautner like ate his lunch, right? Yes. Oh, totally. Yeah, oh, you're totally right.

I kept thinking it was Taylor. They looked the same. For whatever reason, the mid-offs, we were obsessed with this kind of a guy. And it's kind of a mistake that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart turned out to be good actors. Like, it's almost like accidental that they have good careers that are smart. and are actually really good at acting. Well, Sebastian Stan, like, minus the Marvel stuff, which I think he is good as the Winter Soldier or whatever,

but like he's really good in, what's that fucking Tanya Harding movie? I, Tanya, I thought he was good as Jeff Galu League. You know, so like he, he, I think, is that. But, and like why you put this, because even like the kid from Gossip Girl who winds up being the deep in the boys, Chase Crawford, yeah.

Better choice for the lead. Taylor Kitch, way better. choice for the lead at least like he's like can look act with his eyes a little bit like this kid's just got nothing and you're like he's tall dark and handsome i guess that's all that matters yes that's kind of it i mean that's it for most of the movie surprise surprise i am more following taylor kids yeah sure like he's just much more a attractive but be like his storyline is a little bit more he's engaged with it whereas this guy's just like hey sarah how you doing he's a charisma a hole he's got he's got no presence he does not and like the fact that this girl is dropping panties

in the hallway for this guy because he's so charming and what like and rich it's it's he's hot he's got the money you know what I mean that's true this poor Boston public girl is just ready to fucking marry up you know what I mean well that's it it starts we do start at a dirt party right yeah dirt part well we start we start with Eric Scroll into my human then you It's like all these like, you know, like drawings and books. I'm like, these with Asylum Witch trials, oh, fun. Dude, just the like the chunky drop D guitar in your witch movie. Like, fuck you.

Like, fuck you. And it's also the worst remix of that song. Oh, yeah. Of a song that has had many poor remixes. Why not just play the normal song? Thank you. Yes. If you're going to do it, just do it.

Because this, whatever version, of this is, is cheaper than that. Yeah, that's probably correct. Like you want the OG, you fucking pay up big time. It's good to know that Rennie Harlan saw the opening to 7 and was like these credits are too well-paced. What we have to do is make it more janky

a little bit more speed for it for a little bit but then also make it slow for a bit. It was a in this opening, you're seeing all these drawings, etc. One dude is literally doing a Hadoon and it made me laugh. And then later that's like the crux of the film. They're just doing water Hadoquins

all over the end fight of this movie. This ain't your mama's witchcraft. That's true. That's true. And that's the biggest problem. I read the trivia that Rennie Harlan wanted this to be the Lost Boys for the new generation. Sure. Yeah. But it got lost.

The Lost Boys, it's about vampires and I know what vampires are. And they're like, it's always like, every time there's a vampire movie, it's like, vampires but this. You know what I mean? Vampires, but their faces bulge. And if you kill the lead, that everyone goes back to normal. Yeah, just whatever like tweaks we make to the myth. But there's a thing where there's boy witches

that are born that way and then they ascend and the powers are totally whatever and the magic makes you old and there's something called a darkling that we say four times but never explains. Correct. You got it all right there, Steve. That's all that all happened. This is one of those movies where I was sitting there.

I know we make this joke a lot, but I sit there watching all fucking pathetic. 97 minutes of this movie and I was just like so many people said yes so many people including Rennie Harlan who I think has directed a lot of fun movies was like all of this is acceptable

all of this can go out as a movie sure why not why wouldn't we put all this garbage out there I mean the fact that the guy the lead is so uncharismatic is really I think the premiere issue and like that it's obvious from the beginning

he's the last one to jump off the cliff to get to the dirt party. Well, because he's the one that takes the powers seriously. Yes, of course. What a fucking wet blanket, man. Look, I only smoke cigarettes once every two weeks. Yep. I do it in the back alley and I only smoke half of it.

Put it out. Come back for the next one in two weeks. And I give you guys shit all the time about using them too. Totally. They're at top of some insane cliff next to this party. Is this why you lived there? no no this was a little more dramatic than the cliff in my new listeners Chris is referencing the fact that I grew up with a cliff in my backyard and I did it was not as tall as this

but it would it would kill you I'm just very jealous of this cliff I'll show it to you I had go to step in front of me of course I know you too well Chris I want to take a take your picture in front of the Cisca chasm little farther back I know better I stay 10 feet away from Eric and cliffs. I just know my business. But by the way, the fucking the sky high

cliffs of Czech Snowds, Massachusetts. What the fuck are you talking about? And they all do like Batman jumps down. They land in Batman anyway. They land like a movie that didn't come out yet, like an Ironman. Yeah. Oh yes. They do. So you're positing that large swaths of

pop culture, yep. In the latter part of the aughts is ripping off this I'm just saying when they, when this guy lands, he does like the one hand touching the ground thing and it looked a little familiar. I'm not saying it's, I'm not saying they're copied it or whatever. It's just a great way to jump down. It's also a Trinity

landing. Matrix. Oh, there you go. She does a little of that. I mean, they're all rip-offs of the Terminator Oh, yeah. On the crouch there. Yeah. Of course, who could, we could forget when Charlie Chaplin jumped off a fucking mountain and landed that way.

It was more of a Buster, more of a Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd's situation there. It was a rare day for him. Oh, dude, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Charlie Chaplin, as the Covenant, 1921. Oh, yeah, totally, dude. That sounds like expendables. That's like the not talkables. I don't know.

And then the Buster Keaton blows the girl's skirt up. Yeah, totally. A chance for more mist. Oh, the other land and there's this party. It's the annual, like, end of summer party that we're doing. This is, and, like, again, if this is a high, and Dana talked about the crap. Dana talked about the crap. That does such a better job of, like, this is what the high school is.

These are this kids, these are those kids. Into that world. It's so easy to make a high school movie. These are the jocks. These are the whatever's. This is where you sit in the fucking lunchroom. Well, the problem is you set this. How's it out of fucking lunchroom?

You, because you set this in. like you said it in fucking snoot city man this fucking one percenter boarding school thing where if you're doing that then it has to be the skulls yeah where are the skulls in this movie because like you you know yeah not that these schools don't have like bullies and clicks and cafeterias or whatever but like these kinds of movies that portray the boarding school don't have those traditional scenes like you might see and say a twilight motion picture i i don't even see the point really other than to be make it so isolated and make it so sure seem that way i mean i also do i mean like i guess me and it the sons of ipswich the fact that you go by that and are okay with people

referring to that i mean to be fair me andrew do know what this is like we did have the sons of schenectady yeah that's right came into shaker they were they were out of area but they came in for it so they were like these guys but like without teeth no they were eric i'm sorry there were four Frankensteins and then a werewolf had died but actually he came back in the last semester. Yeah, it was awesome. Senior of high school was awesome. It was the mad monster party.

Four, four Frankenstides that never left the OTB understood. They like the horses. They're making, you know, their fucking presence known at this beach party. We meet, speaking to Snoot City, we meet this couple of real snooty snoots that you're like, oh,

these will clearly be some sort of antagonist in the motion picture. Nah, they kind of drop off. It's like one dude this guy that looks like he's straight out of the French Revolution. I don't know. The fact this dude is. I'll tell you where that kid is from. He's also from playing the same character in a history of violence.

So much. He also drops an F-bomb in that movie as well. You are totally right. He does play the dude who Vigo Mortensen's son kicks the shit out of. That was on his resume of special skills. Can ride a horse. Can do gaislers like nobody's business. I can say,

a gay slur that sounds so legit. It's almost if I say it in my daily life all the time. Because this kid real smooth delivery. I mean, that is a deal with the devil. You get to be in major motion pictures, but in each one you have to say the F word.

That's tough. It's so weird in that scene that's coming up later in this gym locker scene where they're showering. One of the most homerotic moments of cinema I've seen ever. So honestly, the F bomb hits harder. A little bit. You're looking at all these nice beef cakes and then it's like the movie's yelling at me

for looking at him. Yeah, it's like, hey man. Hey, man, you showed it to me. Totally. Look, there's a lot of nice asses here. Like, let me be. We're some exquisite asses. Well, actually, if you're interested, Eric, then you might want to watch a movie that me and my wife. Me and my wife watched, which is almost

pornography. Okay. It's directed by our good friend David Takato of Lifetime fame. One of his more pseudo-sophort gay porn movies which is called Voodoo Academy. it's the same movie nothing happens but everyone's nearly naked

there's a little doll they're like putting like the little pins in the dick yes sex scenes in this movie no that's nobody hooks up but everyone is just like it's an all boys academy and we're taking care of each other

and it's all it's all right behind the scenes everybody knows what's going on implied yes it's fascinating classy yes like someone like a dude opens a door and like you know it's like like a teacher or something

you know and it's like what's going on in there and there's dudes like oh nothing and like wipes like wipes his hand over his mouth and then there's like another dude sitting in the back like hey Kevin what's going on who's at the door oh I'm just eating New England clam chowder don't come in

come on no just eating a bunch of New England clam chowder here at voodoo again it's a lot of pain glances and like you know yeah must you'd say exactly you know it's all it's all behind the writing guys.

It's genius. It's just not that everybody has their shirts off. Yeah, that's that too. Oh, thinking a genius. This beach party scene. I think this might be now. Andrew, you texted that. Apparently, Stephen Crowder has a cameo in this movie. Excuse me? One of the

world's most pathetic comedians, Stephen Crowder. Oh, yeah. We're just a racist piece of shit. A for it. Bid, bored. Bigot, asshole. Anyway, yeah. Trivia was saying that a Montreal DJ put a call out for extras for this. So this fucking asshole just

listen to the radio going, ooh, ooh, what a boot that movie. I went down to be in it. And of course now he's a famous American quote of quote of it. Dude, oh my God. I didn't even put together this motherfucker is Canadian. Yes, he's Canadian. He's one of these

fucking piece of shit. Not because he's Canadian. Dude, I don't know who is more pathetic. These fucking grifters that are so obvious or the fucking dumbasses that get grifted. Or the covenant. Deport them all. Send them to Canada.

Here's the thing. And I don't know if this is like Stephen Crowder fucking got his pathetic little assistant, which is just Stephen Crowder's fingers to update the IMD. So like his guy has a name because it's like party guy. But there's no evidence that this guy is in any fucking shot anywhere. I was saying my best guesses are dude who throws up on other dudes back because of witchcraft. or the DJ that gets on the microphone and goes, hey everybody, the cops are coming.

The DJ would make the most sense because he is covered in shit so you can't really see. It's all like aughts like sunglat, Oakley's. That is the problem, Chris Cabin, is like this movie, every single man aside from the fucking school principal

and the father who you have to go to the credits to learn that that's played by Stephen McHaddy, that guy. Oh, really? Yeah, shit. Every other dude in this movie looks exactly the fucking same. Like, except for Taylor Kitch because he's got the longer hair. And the blonde, and Toby Hemingway who plays the blonde. And the blonde guy who looks, he looks like a, like an older Tom Felton.

Yeah. I couldn't tell them apart, to be honest. It gets tough. There were moments where I was like, oh, that's the bad guy. What's Sebastian's Stand? Oh, what? Dude, because they're all like. What?

They're all named like fucking Chase and Corey. Corey. And like all these names that. it's the same thing. Because the other, like, Taylor Kitch and the main guy are like the front guys. Chase and,

and Blondy, Toby Hemingway guy. Yeah, yeah. Like those guys, like other than Toby Hemingway kind of challenging for power against the main guy. Which falls off. Falls 40 minutes into the movie. They don't have anything.

There's nothing to do. Once Toby Hemingway, whose best quality in the story is that he's the red herring of like, oh, it's him doing it all, right? Once that doesn't happen, they're just like, well, what do you want us to do, Caleb? I guess we'll wait outside of this high school for the rest of the movie.

This is why Twilight is a better movie because you do that introduction with, you're dealing with Robert Pattinson. Yes. And like people like Jasper are tertiary figures in a way. You know, they're not like battling for screen time like this, these five fucking pieces of shit. Because again, it's called the Covenant.

And I'm like, well, what's the Covenant? up to. It's not the Caleb. I will not buy a ticket to Caleb. Where is the dark pageantry? Where is the fucking witchcraft in the woods? Where are the pentagrams? Where is any? Somebody open up their wrist and then blood comes out in a bunch of bees or something. The blood turns into bees. My type, my blood type is bee boss. Oh, well. Dude, that's exactly. You know, Sebastian Stan is about to win at the end of the movie. He's like, I guess you never thought.

God, my blood type was B positive. And he opens up to the rest and a bunch of bees pop out. Better movie. Absolutely. My uncle, my uncle the candy man is going to be here soon and you're really going to get it. Oh, dude, Uncle Candy. Look out for that guy at Easter. Holy shit.

Oh, boy. So you made any things, Steve. Again, just another thing that's great about the craft is like that's a movie that also has like a coven of witches. And you know. what their motivations are. They're all clearly different people, first of all. Congratulations. Congratulations. Casting Department. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, if you look

at the, if the craft, like, as a reference point for this, you know, you can see how you could easily do much better. But the other thing I'll say, with relation to, like, the pageantry is gone from other ceremonies, whatever. I think this is like, these are just fucking apathetic, tired, rich people. And it's just like, oh, now my son has the power. Well,

I'll just sit here, drinking scotch all movie. Like, they don't give a fuck because they're so, like, rich and it's centuries of privilege. New money does witchcraft and the dark arts better than old money.

That's right. Absolutely. Or in the craft, they're all, like, poor kids, I think. So that... Right. Poor people have got a good magic. Or at least middle class. They're picking up spell books

and read spells in that movie. God damn it. As opposed to, like, because another thing this movie owes a lot to is X-Men. It's so X-Men. You're right. You just have this power and blah, blah, blah. And the fact that it's only these four like

Mayflower fuckers that have this power. Then the fifth was like, well, I don't believe I, you should have that power sir. It's this weird, I think, you know, because a lot of this is I just stopped after a while trying to like notate all these like rules and whatnot. But like

I think it's also something something firstborn son situation. So they're all like the oldest kids or whatever and then the guy who's like coming into it because it's all about like there were five families but now there's only four what happened well the fifth family was run out of town due to the witch trials nobody knows what happened to him hi i'm sebastian stan there's a big mystery happening am i part of it dude i look exactly like the rest of you guys hi i i um i say this every so often when it happens i have to point it out because like i

for whatever reason my brain is not incredibly good well yeah you know all the fucking brain farts I have on this show but like sure it's not very investigative in other words like I watch something and I'm like I just let it roll over me you know you're really bad when you got this guy talking right now guessing your movie

and up and down the board I was like this is that he's that and then I realize when every time I was correct on a guess I was like oh this keeps getting worse and worse. You might have a power of some kind. Oh, shit, dude. Maybe when I turn 18, I'll ascend and it'll

be even bigger. That is true. We're 16. Which is, well, that's fucking quickening, by the way. That's kind of just a quickening. That is. By the name is we've got Caleb Danvers by Steven straight to the lead. Sebastian Stan is Chase Collins. So Caleb and Chase, I'm going to cross

something out. That's tough. Somebody has to not be one. How about a Bobby? A Dennis. Yes. A Dennis would be nice. Not bad. Toby Hemingway is Reed Garwin. Taylor Kitch is the worst name of the bunch. Pogue. Pogue. I would and then Chase Crawford's last one is

Tyler. What is that like? That's like a Nintendo name. Well Pogue, I think it's a nickname because like on the trivia, there's two different points where you see Taylor Kitch's ID and then a school record. And the fucking funny thing is the first names are totally different. But neither of them are Pogue. I mean, Pogue is like, you know, like the Pog's

Polk Mahon kiss my ass So it's like the kiss So maybe he's like the ladies man I know Polk does have other meanings But it is a nickname at least Yeah okay okay yeah But it's a bad one Yeah so like the jock

And this girl start picking on Sarah Who's our kind of When I'm watching this room Like you know what would be cool If Sebastian Stan is our eyes And ears in the movie And we kind of watch Because he's new to town of course

And he maybe he like I have the powers Oh you have the power Let me explain it to you That would be great. But Sarah is kind of our eyes and ears, but she's away from everybody. She's being picked on for being poor

for being from public school. And then Caleb is like, hey, not cool. That's not cool. Hey, hey, breathing out my mouth. Sorry, I'm just not cool. Oh, wow. Now I'm in love with you. Yeah, this girl falls pretty quickly, by the way.

As Toby Hemingway makes one of the kids vomit on the back of the kid's head. Now, let's stop here for a second to talk about how the movie telegraphs that these fucking gentlemen are using these powers speaking of X-Man. We're getting

like fishy fucking eyeball effects here. It's either an X-Man or a fucking X-File episode. It's the guy in men and black the guy who has the second eyelids kind of looks like that. But then they just go entirely black the laziest fucking thing

in the world. Absolutely. But when they just want to use it really quickly, because that's It's like... A little orange thing. It's wild because I just realize now, like, the witchcraft we're talking about here is literally bewitched. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That, like, Samantha could do anything by just twinkling that nose and things could appear, things could move, things could disappear. And that's what we're doing here. They're a little fucking reptile eyes just blink without closing and then a power.

Like, there's one point where, like, this motherfucker, our lead dude, looks at a door and then his witch's, power makes all the locks unlock. Yeah, of course. Why not? Indeed. Because it is just a DeiSX fucking witch power. Whatever you need these dudes to do, the witch power can do it. They can restart a car engine with the witch power. That is fucking They could reconstitute a car. They can make a car fly. Cars are going to fly in a minute in the movie. I can't. I think I would be stuck on the vomit thing. I'd be doing that kind of a lot to people. Oh, yeah. Every single person. I would be walking down the street, everyone

around me will be vomiting constantly. Well, I mean, you better get ready to look like Palpatine very quickly because I'll take it, dude. Just for all the vomit. For all the vomit. Absolutely. Because listen, I know where I am in my life right now. Sure. There's no coming back. I'm not going to be the cool guy. I'm not going to be the hot guy on the beach. But you can be the guy who makes people vomit all the time. Exactly. Okay. I just put a robot and be like, I'm just making people vomit Wait, are you pretending to vomit while you make them vomit?

That's me licking my lips. Relishing it. Relishing it. I see. I just like, oh, excuse me, this train isn't going to 44. Your car's going by, buses crashing. Meanwhile, your skin's just sagging off. I don't care. Your toenails and fucking fingernails are going to fucking like two feet.

Worth it. That is a great point, though, that you're bringing up here, like our hero is constantly talking about how, like, you can't use the power too much because it's addictive and every time you use it, like, it takes a little bit of your life force and you're going to start aging. If that's true, why are we fucking using it as like a garage door opener? Exactly. What is happening? We're using it to play pool in a few minutes. Yeah, we're using it to cheat at pool. Absolutely. That's the thing. I don't know, like, is it a thing where like every single time

you use it like you're a little bit like right now I'm you know let's say I'm 39 and you know 141 days am I now 39 and 200 days or whatever is that is that what's happening every single time or like does it wait and then like one day you're like oh man magic is so cool

this red light sucks though green light oh no I'm an old man that would be great if it just like totally changed over at the drop of a hat oh fuck oh what happened I'm shitting my pants well I mean I guess the idea is that like, well, they're young, dumb, and full of calm and like they haven't ascending yet. They haven't done that yet.

So it's not serious. You can't get too serious. Once it's ascension, it's serious. Oh, I see. Because I was thinking that maybe this is a metaphor for student loans. You just give all these kids a bunch of shit they don't understand. It's going to fuck their life up for the rest for the rest of it kind of a deal. That's right.

That could totally be it. So speaking of fucking ascending. So the cops come. we get in this big fucking car chase and then it's like oh hey witch brother number two don't fucking do it man don't fucking do it and then it's like

we're now in a car chase with these cops and then it's like they don't know that they're driving right towards a cliff the high cliffs of New England oh my goodness gracious and then this guy utters what could have only been a trailer line I never saw the trailer

for this movie Harry Potter can kiss my ass and this motherfucker drives the SUV off the cliff and the four of them combine their witch powers to make the car fly, much like Harry Potter. Which I guess is why this was also greenlit, right?

Oh, people are into witch stuff again. Hey, do you want Harry Potter except for not at all entertaining? Well, you could rent Harry Potter if you were. You get the first one, I suppose. Yeah, I don't know where we were in the Potter like movie cycle, but we

were fucking knee deep in it. Even the Columbus Potters are better than this. No, no, no. But like, just as far as like, we were knee-deep in Potter film franchise at this point. But yes, that's franchise Denver. Which bathroom you use it? Oh, that's

right. Oh, you know who doesn't care about using bathrooms? The men in the covenant. You can use any bathroom you want. Maybe the covenant is Harry Potter with good politics. Oh. We need one of the

we need one of those. So these cops are like, oh my God, it happened again. Kids drove off the cliff. And then like this SUV drops down behind them, probably the most expensive practical effect of this movie. I love this too because it's just like,

now that they've seen our faces, let's reverse and get out of here. Now that they've seen our faces, now that they've got the make and model of our car, now that they've got a license plate. And you know, we are the most famous family in town. They're so recognizable.

They're the sons of Ipswich. The sons. Well, yeah, I think it's already understood you don't arrest these. Like, they know they're witches at this point. Here's the thing. You're totally right. But if that's the case, then you need those cops to be like, oh, fuck, it's the sons of Ipswich. Better go back to the station. Nothing we can do about these guys.

It should be like varsity blues when they're like, oh, fuck. Like, okay, shit. Precisely. And then in a mystery that is never truly resolved, because we never know who this kid is, one of the kids is dead like a ghost and you never know you never find Sebastian Stan clearly did it for whatever reason

I guess so I need to know for whatever reason he tells he tells the reason at the end of the movie which is like it's not too specific but basically this kid I was doing busy drinking up to Voodoo Academy well kind of I was doing that too well shit I was also guys were we all jerking off to Voodoo Academy

God damn the thing is it's like with the covenant like by the time you're near that the 90 minute mark and you're like your eyes like the devil's averting them that's moving

that's true it is also during the longest parlor scene there is also true he says something about like the kid caught him doing

a little bit of magic and so I asked him for a ride to the beach party and then I fucking caught him doing magic the fact that he calls it magic like he's like a little bit of magic no no it's not the power

anymore it's just bland fucking magic. Listen, I'd rather than call it magic. Yes. But then you've got to do it from the beginning. No, like, the power magic comes. Chris, I think we need a page one rewrite on this. I agree, Eric. Because the power, I mean, when you're saying the power, all I am thinking about is the fucking David Bowie's song and

Labrothed with the power. Or a lot of it's the force. It's just pushing shit with your fucking hands. Well, which also then reminded me, of course, of Caravan of Courage. Or whatever the second one is, where they're fighting the win. Is that the witch one? Yes.

Which one is? Where she's just like, I want more power and these Ewaks are fucking with me and that little ugly girl. That is Battle for Endor. By the way, folks, we've done both of those episodes somewhere in our archives. Oh God, a hundred fucking

lifetimes ago, man. Back when we were ascending age. Yeah, before I started using magic and started looking like this. That's what did it. You've come to a live show. Just remember who was the magic that did that. the power. It was the power. Excuse me. And the other thing that's so annoying about this movie, it's a boarding school movie. Yep. That's a good idea because again, it's a boring school movie.

It's true. Sorry, Andrew was taking a drink there. But no. That's great. Caleb doesn't live at school. Like, what the fuck? Like, Caleb should live at school and have one of these kids to the roommate and then they talk about shit. But he's the one who gets to have a mother. Okay. He's the character who gets to have a mom. Thank you. Let's address this for a second. This is some fun. Charles Schultz peanut shit going on here, man. Where are these fucking parents? Because the sons of Ipswich, they're all

townies going to this school. It's all townies. Your fucking families around, man. Where are any of these parents? Did his mom eat the other moms? Is one of those societies? Oh, that's her power. Yeah, there you go. It's the only character we get to see the mom and the father of.

And two separate house. Just pick one or the other. I don't need to do both. No. I guess he's just so old and gross. Get out of my house, you pieces of shit. I told you, we could have waited for a table, but you had to use magic.

And now you're old. Oh, you didn't want to do the math to do the tip calculation. You had to use the power. Get out of here. You smell like a jockstrap factory. I told you to just buy fucking Cialis, but no, you had to use magic. And now look at you.

Yes. I'm drinking, by the way. The father does look like Sheave Palpatine, for sure. He definitely does, dude. And there I was. Humiliated in the dining room of Ips, which is best restaurant. Because you had to use the power. Right at the fucking table.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's parents are 40 something. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, what, his mother is Wendy Crucson. Yes. Definitely not 40. when this movie was made. You know what I mean?

And I love Wendy Cruson and she has nothing to do in this movie aside from... Be drunk? Be drunk and flirt with her son, which is kind of... And dude, thank the good Lord above. There was not more of that

because the first scene where, like, he comes home and's like, hi, mom. And she's like, do you want to guess what underwear I'm wearing? I mean, she's so horned up because she's drinking and she's like, oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. You look just like him. your father was so handsome at that age you look just oh my god if i look at you in this light i can imagine sucking your father's dick oh my god she's so lording for the son would be perfect on that show milf manor oh my what is what's going on a wolf what is this well i want one ticket to wolf manor please sure that's wolf manor i'm more interested but i do need to hear what what is this milf manor it's exactly the 30 rock joke of like milf island or whatever

Yeah. But it's a real show. And they're in a manner. Yeah, it's like a beach place. But one of the things, it's all like women who all other. Are milfs? Yeah, well, you know, you could. Arguably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to be stretching the definition. Anyway, all them and all their sons. Uh-huh. And then the whole thing is like you date someone else's mom, but you're hanging out with the kid. Wait, what? And get this. One of the things early on was.

So it's sun swap. We're doing a sun swap. It's literally sun swap. It's very. It's a heterosexual. SunSwap? I don't like this at all. Is this Fox or it's TLC? With the

Learning Channel folks at all. And then there's one of the things early on where... More like the Love Channel. They have... All right, like like, oh, Kelly or whatever. You know, this is one of the things. Like every mom has to feel all the boys

and then pick out which one's your son. Feel what on the boys? Like their chests and arms. What in the world? Yeah, that sounds bad. It is, it is, it is insane. Brazzers has nothing to do with this. They're not supporting or branding. It's a competitor because people are probably beaten off to this thing.

Oh, I'm probably. Oh, it is detestable. I'm sure some like, some like, you know, 16 year old kid that can't get access to pornography for whatever reason. It's just fucking spanking it to milfile. It's funny you said that, Eric, because this came in my Twitter feed today. the and this is a connection to our good friend Rennie Harlan

Okay One of the One of the titular Milfs Is Lisa Wilcox From Nightmarine Almstreet 4 The Alice from Nightmarine Almstreet Street is What? Wait, she's in Milf Manor?

I never put it together She's in Milf Manor apparently Wow Oh now I'm suspicious of the whole thing That's a, dude you gotta watch it A grade actress you have there no well because someone

the tweet this morning was just like it's just so sad she's in Milf Manor she could have been a movie star and I'm like she's getting laid by young man

I can't believe the hell she must be going we got an up the 58 year old actress who started on the protagonist is Alice in Nightmare Nell Street 4 and 5

the first few minutes of five made her debut on TLC's Milf Manor Sunday night along her son Ryan the dating shows in which the dating

pool is made up entirely her mother and son duos hunt for a younger man who are all into older women. And it's like walking further into Chernobyl everywhere. Seriously. Yes, yes. Like this is like

daring to go where the drones don't even fly. Updated a file photo there or no? Yeah, I can get that. It's kind of curious while we're talking about Milf Manor. We were peeping at Milf Manor contestants folks. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's

a great report 58. You know what's funny too is they bring her in like a few episodes in to like juice the series. Oh, yeah. That's how they know, I mean, no offense to you,

Eric, but that's how they know that real losers are watching. Oh, absolutely, dude. Absolutely. No argument.

All the footage and from Dilf manner has been destroyed. Burned in a cleansing fire. Thank you. Because Dilf, could you imagine where a father brings his daughter

and then throws it to the wolves? Dude, Dilfmanman. they fucking lock the door and set the house on it. No, you don't say it. The entire crew

of DILF Manor is in jail now. All of them. Apologies, but every DILF died last night. There's a fucking horrible was a DILF disaster. Every DILF died last night. Yeah, it would end like

midsumar. Some some ladies just wearing a fucking DILF skin coat. It looks like we're going to need eight. teen bear costumes and like I as much

flowers as you can find get them all if you get the house on Sycamore Street also known as Dilf Manor burned down last night no Dilf survived Milf Manor Dilf den

It would be the Dilf den The Dilf den's really great You could also go with Dilf dormitory There we go Because then dad's going back to school We're going to fucking triple Lindy and your roommate. Going to teach my daughter.

Now feel all the girls and pick out your daughter. I feel like we're going to go to jail for just talking about this. I think we should pivot to a Milf Manor podcast. Eric is doing. No, Eric is doing the public service here because this is like

we're warning the entertainment industry. This is how bad it will get if you try to reverse engineer Milf Manor into Dilf den. Who is this? Oh, yeah. And see, Siri's even getting involved. Like, fucking Siri here in the studios, blabbing about Dilf shit. She's trying to get you a Dilf, dude.

I watched. Hey, Siri, shut the fuck up. I watched every episode of Milt Manor to warn the people. That's why I did it. So are they, is it like, um, is it like a 13 episode season or are they making these people sit in the manner for 22? It felt short. Whatever it was, I don't remember.

It felt short. But the covenant. Yes. The girls, Lisa, and I forget who the other, or Kate. Sarah and Kate. Go back to, and it's like, speaking of last week's Dear Penthouse Forum, these two girls who are just for themselves wearing lingerie to bed as I imagine they have to be 17 years older in high school, right? My wife pointed this out and how unnatural it is. She was like, Chelsea was like, oh yeah, this is how I sat around my dorm room all.

the time with my college roommate. Just wearing lunch, right? Just talking to talk to. But this was mainstream horror for a while. It was women walking around houses in their underwear and then a bump happens and a black shit

goes across the screen. You're watching this, watching Driven the other week. It's a sign of like the aughts were so nasty that it is why we have the puritanical bent now because it's like we went too far with the sexy stuff, right?

I mean, I get, yeah, but like, it's just such, like, first level perps, like, just a girl walking around in, like, white underwear and, like, they do it for 15 minutes. I'll tell you what, Chris Cabin, white cotton panties do it for a lot of people. And, and they're cheap. So the costume department, you know, you're just buying some lady fruit of the looms or whatever. I'm not talking about, like, IFC films. These are universal picture production. It's just good budget.

to have them in their underwear. Thank you, Sin Eastwood. So Sarah decides to take a shower. And another thing that goes nowhere, and I assume this has to be the blonde kid, right? Is the one that looks at her in the shower or is? No, this is Sebastian Stan. Okay, got it.

Because I thought that he was just like, Reed is a red herring for multiple things. Got it. I thought he was a red herring for everything but this. Because he does show up right there. He had the same idea as Sebastian Stan's. I think that's probably correct. He kind of can't act either because he goes.

So there's like a, there's a face in the mist. A little bit of an invisible man situation, if you will. It's kind of a hollow man scenario. Oh, that's what I meant specifically. Yeah, it's like spooky. It's kind of a okay scene. And then this dude comes in and it's just like, oh yeah, well, like I'll help you out. Don't see anybody here.

Yes. It's like, he's clearly like he did it, right? It sounds like he did it, but maybe it's Toby Hemingway or whatever this is. Toby Hemingway is literally the actor you were talking about it. Yes, yes. Got it. It's Caleb who comes to the conclusion later that it was Sebastian Stan

who did it. And Reed might just be like, yeah. Yeah, well, clearly yes. He also looked at your girlfriend. This is something Dracula would do with their mist powers, right? That's true. I'm going into the girls' dormitory. But he didn't have

to turn into mist first. He didn't have to shave like two years have his life to do it. That's true. And I think that might be another reason why this could be Sebastian Stan because it's like that character we know doesn't give a shit about overuse of power because his whole thing is about like trying to get more power from the boys. His thing is more, it seems eventually, it's kind of like a Highlander thing he's got going. He wants people to relinquish their power so that he can keep up. His addiction that would apparently keep you from not looking like a ball sack at some point. I don't know why.

Exactly. I'm just shrugged. Eric just shrugged. This plot is shit. In the third act, literally Caleb is like, dude, you can get old power you want. You're still going to turn old. And he's like, I don't care. It's like, well, of course you do. Like, no one wants to be this whole, this, this husk of a person in your 40s. Hold on. You're going to get there anyway. That's the argument, right? Like, live fast guy. We're going to look like that guy. this sheaf Palpatine dude I don't know five 10 years

Well that's the weird part about Stephen McCaddy Which what a fucking tragedy This is Stephen McCatty Yep He's like just like you know sitting and we don't even look at him For most of the movies We don't have the makeup down that well Absolutely we got the hand makeup

Down okay You see his handbows like a claw thing We can he can check out at any point But he decides to live in agony Like he's only 44 years old Dude that's enough for me man If I can't move and I'm like And someone has to like

Intervenously feed me stuff And all sorts of like I'm like Supernaturally old It's not even like anything that could actually happen to me Yeah no he looks like the fucking grandfather in Texas Chainsawin like this is unnatural Steve you don't have kids You don't know what it would be like

If you could possibly give your kid a super Hyduken before you died You would let you would keep it out and then wait for him to need that Oh, that's right. You're going to wait for the 18th birthday. Yeah, yeah. Then you can fucking piece off. He's definitely going to hell, by the way.

It's not like he's going to go to a nice place. That's a good point. Well, but will there be preferential treatment in hell? Maybe. Maybe he gets a throne. Who knows? Right this way, the sons of yipswich. Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, wow. I only tortured on Friday's, Sundays, and Tuesdays. The other time, it's paperwork. You know, your ancestors used to do sacrifices. to me and stuff. Now you just push up skirts apart and so, oh, okay. I gave you this great power and all you used it for was not even getting pussy, just trying and failed. You had magic powers and you never even got any. You know, when I gave the Bushboy this election, I thought maybe you would just get anything together just a little bit. Apparently I was wrong. Back in the old days,

the sons of Ipsych would go around spoiling the... the pastors' crops, and that was a good one. You got an A on a math test. What's an A? I have no idea with that. What do you want? What's it? Does it stand for adultery?

What the hell? It better. Let me get this straight. You used the all-seeing almighty power that I instilled in your soul from birth to unlock a few doors.

This is ridiculous. He started a Chevy's engine. Okay. A, that must be adultery. Okay. I assume B is battering. I assume C's crucifixions just for funzies. You know, it's not even that expensive

to fix a windshield. Honestly, they could do it over a... You could go in somewhere. Someone will pop it right out and put a new one in for you. That was fucking great, dude. When he does it at the end of the movie, Chelsea was like, yeah, there's places

you can go for that one. It's like a hundred bucks, dude. Do you know? how easy it is to turn on the oven and reheat your pizza. You used it for that? Oh, man. So whatever.

So our hero here, Caleb? It's Caleb. God damn. So this motherfucker is all suspicious. Now he wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. This is where he sees the darkling.

And it's just the, it's the dead kid kind of like screaming like a ghost sort of. With a goopy mouth. And we'd never explain what a darkling is. just crazy. It seems to be like, I guess some like evil, it's like a evil little monster you send it someone, right? Like in like Game of

Thrones, when that lady would shit out a little demon creature. I think yeah, specifically killed by these powers. Oh, I see. If you die, they can use their soul to like give people the willies. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the willies, dude. They should have called this movie the willies if for the fact there wasn't already a movie called the Willys. But there's one point here where Sebastian Stan

tells Sarah and Kate that he is in room 311. Oh, yeah. And I just, you need to just drop just a little all mixed up and you know if there's anything else. Yep. Just have those words every time he says 311, we're fine. Or just Amber is the color of her energy. Are we there? Is Amber?

Oh, 6 for sure. Yeah. That was in college and I had to listen to that when I worked at my job all of the time. Which is unfortunate because clearly, by the way, you delivered that sentence, it ruined it for you. I sure did. I think it's a pretty good song. Sure. Not that song. You know,

yeah. You know what this movie needs is like a Van Helsing type hunting these witches. Yep. Like some dude that fucking is just out for fucking wasp blood. Yes, totally. Do you? Like some awesome. Some like Italian like that. That could be Bernie said. The one percent. I can't

believe these kids are using magic. I'm going to wipe out the sons of Ipswich. Who's with me? He's got a leather hat on and a crossbow? The 1% doing all this magic, the 99% doesn't have magic powers. Jane, where's my duster? I'm going to hunt witches. Gorman, I wish to speak to your master.

Get him out here. Get him out. He needs to answer to the people. I think Bernie could fucking wrestle Satan down, yeah. I would love it. I mean, like, again, it makes a ton of sense. He's in Vermont. It's not that far.

No, totally. He's got it. So, you know, whatever. Later on, we're running errands in town. He's buying his mom's crazy pills or whatever. It's the dad's crazy pills. Yeah, because he's... I just love that he's...

Yeah, he needs medication for his magic side effect. What the fuck pills is this? It's got to be like maybe like pain relievers. Maybe he's got like osteoporosis or something. Softener for sure. Oh, definitely. Ambien. Oh, Ambien.

and get to sleep better. And it's like, oh, who is either the director? Oh, it's an actor because they're like, oh, hey, fancy running into you in this pharmacy. Oh, you guys want to go do something? Oh, the new Brad Pitt movies playing at the theater. Which is hilarious because it looked it up. That movie could only be Babble. Do you want to see him take care of a dying Kate Blanchett for 90 minutes?

You know, 90 minutes, you fucking wish. No, that thing is like two and a half. You know, we are all connected. We are all just one world. Globalism's great. God damn, that is hilarious. That is the only option. Ooh, new Brad Pitt, sex.

Oh, that's not sexy. Sarah's got that great line. Already saw it. Oh, I'd be up to go on errands with you, Calib. Oh, yeah, dude. He's like, would you like to run some errands with me? And I was like, no fucking 17-year-old is saying I'm running errand.

What does that mean? It means I got to do shit for my mom, which is what you would say as a 17 year old. I got to fucking go to the bank. I got to do the grocery store. I got to go to the sock hop. I got to get a fucking

milkshake. I'm a fucking baby in high school. Got to go to the fucking witch supply outlet. I got to do some whippets. I got a busy schedule of errands. You want to do some whippets? Look, it's 3.30. I got to be back at my house by

four to sniff a bunch of glue. So if you want it, these errands, these 17-year-old kid errands. 4-10 is you sniff glue. Dude, yeah. It's exactly right. It's like 405, you start squeezing that Elmer's into the paper bag. Got it. 4-10,

you are huff and glue for five minutes. You know what I always like? It's a little bit and then huffin gasoline. That was your thing? It's such a great smell. I mean, it is a good smell. I do like the smell. Yeah. I don't know about huffing it, though. I mean, I'll, for like a week, after I saw Love Liza. And then after that, I thought...

That was a good one. That was a good one. That bad. Philip Seymour Hoffman, underrated under-sene. Very odd as a offman gem here. So he's driving around that was a really cool errand. We just ran. Hey, by the way, this is the haunted house in which my dad lives. Oh, yeah, because like he's just telling him all about like the Ipswich colony and this, that, and the other thing.

This is the other, like, so how much money do you have exactly. Look at that. That's the old Putnam Barn. That's where the end of the movie's happening. Anyway, my father's house is up here. Oh, wait, they're shooting at us. That's right. I just realized, you know, we got to this point, without talking about, and not to go back too far, but who cares because fuck this movie? But when he is like suspicious of Tom Felton, not Tom Felton, whatever, Hemingway kid here. Reed, I think he's on the phone. I think he's on the phone. I think, with Taylor Kits or something, he's driving the car

and he gets distracted. And this is where he fucking has a head on collision with a final destination two size logging truck. And the car bursts into pieces and there's flames and we are CGI heaven here. And they just, and it reconstitute and he's like, whoa, that was something or other. I'm like, what the fuck just happened? Like the car should be destroyed. He should

be burned up. Maybe use your powers to heal yourself. That'd be kind of cool. It happens at like three seconds and the other guy's like, what the hell was that? And dude, that guy just keeps driving like the truck driver at the end of Texas chain. So he's flying on the fucking road. Whatever. That's got to be a big spend for your powers

too. Like that really just has to take a whole year off right there. He just came in his pants. And I want to see the fucking, the love lies of fucking dissent the driver of the truck's going to go after. After this happened and he sees that. He's like,

I swear, I destroyed the kid should be meat. What happened? And then the kid is just behind him. Usually this kind of shit happens in Derry Main where I also have a root. Yeah, no shit. But like, this is where, like, you should have the scene be like, they both stop the cars to get out. It's like, wow, that was fucking crazy. And then he does some sort of like, forget the kids.

Yeah, like, whatever. Yeah, sure. And then this dude's like, oh, you know, and then it turns into like maybe plants, like a little false memory. And then it's like, oh, well, close call, kid. Glad you're okay. Yes. You can't just fucking in a ball of fire blazed. And this guy's just, no, no, no, no. I love this false memory idea. So it's like, oh, shit, I messed up that line with Sarah. Let me just. False memory. False memory. No, yeah. What you, what you remember is me embarrassing myself. Yeah, I was swab as hell. Don't worry about it. Look, I know the men in black are only

supposed to handle alien affairs. But how about some witchery? Can you flashing these guys? And you're Flashing these guys. I wasn't talking about the Power Rangers. I was talking about the Sopranos, okay? When I said Red Ranger, I meant Tony, okay? I was being very smart. I was not talking about that. So, dude, I guess in this town, man, when you're ready to fucking rock and roll

on a Friday night or some shit, everybody goes to Nicky. It's the funniest thing because he talks about like, you know, in front of his dad's crypt or mausoleum. They take some shots, and he's like, yeah, that was pretty weird, huh? Do you want to, like, shower or something before we go to Nicky's? And she goes, what's Nicky's? Like, who could care? It's all, like, it's one scene also.

It's one to see, yeah. What's Nicky's? I don't know, the fucking Academy Awards. What could Nicky's possibly be? Of course, it's a scuzz bar. It is one of six locations we have. They should, the lack of parents, you know, and the bars, make them. college students. Thank you. It is a real, that's how this was written, right?

It's a college somewhere in New England. That's why there's no parents. That's why we're in a dormitory situation. And also, like, you're using kids that could be college age, clearly. Just do. And then, and then, like, there's no weird stuff when you fucking film this girl in the shower. You know what I mean? It makes me feel less weird. The weirdest thing is in Nickies. Well, because it's, it's Nickies. I mean, so Nickies is a place. He's like, yeah, I love what. college. When high school kids come here and don't drink and order all the soda they can drink. You go, I get $3.50 off each one of these soders. If you go into a place like this and order a Pepsi, you are getting fucking punched in the throat and jazzy jeffed out of the establishment. You have to because Nickies would get closed down every fucking week. Yes. And they're the ones hogging the pool tables and shit. And they're drinking fucking, you know, Sierra Mist or whatever. I mean, I thought we were out of business after we got kicked out of Salt Lake City for being the only soda bar that had a grungy aesthetic.

This is where the boys... My crimes, I can't get a liquor license. Here comes Dickies. Sorry. No. They blow up a girl's skirt here. Yes. They mention...

Well, because we're taking bets on what color panties. Yes. That's the bet. Someone says, that girl hasn't worn panties since she was 12. Well, that's Taylor Kitch because he's the wise one, Eric. Since she was 12.

Cool. Have you been blowing it up all that time? Trust me, guys, I've done some research, okay? I've been noting every year this woman has grown up, and I can tell you she's never worn panties since 12. It's like I want sexuality back in movies, but not like this. No, I don't want fucking pervert child molesters. I want fucking, you know, sexual intrigue and whatnot. It's still illegal, but 16.7.

so much better than 12. Yes. Yeah. It just it does. It's fucking weird. But I mean, like, Nikki is just like, oh, awesome. You guys are molested girls here. Here's another round of Dr. Peppers and a bunch of popcorn for you kids. Boy, you know, when I opened this disgusting New England dive bar,

I always pictured it being some cool biker hangout, but I'm really glad I turned it into more like the Max from Saved by the Bell. You know, I love hanging around underage kids. Let me pour you a cherry coke. Oh, damn. Tap is kicked here. We got to go change out the cherry Coke tap.

Excuse me. Been going through it all night. This whole discussion about this place, Nikki's, reminding me I saw some article and I wanted to fucking scream. It was this whole thing about like, you know, the new trend that's coming around. You know, there's a big push for like,

sobriety and people avoiding alcohol, which is great. This is not what my complaint is. If you don't want to be drinking booze, I don't give a shit. Go, you know, go hog wild, not drinking. But this article was like, the new trend in non-alcoholic hotspots, non-alcoholic

dive bars. And I was like, you can fucking shut up right now because alcohol is what makes the dive bar possible. It's a dive bar because it spent years having people drunkenly pissing on the floor not cleaning up the counter playing bad music

hating their lives and wanting to drink it all away that's what makes a dive bar But what about the dank? You need the dink That's the thing right You can't get the dank without booze You can have a non-alcoholic bar

Of course you can't It's a great idea Of course you can Because that's where you would go If you're sober You don't want to Nicky's is right Because you just put in a couple

Foozball table It's the funniest thing So it's Taylor Kitch versus Sebastian Sand because they're vying after the other one, Lisa is the other? Or is it? Kate, I keep fucking that up. And she's out of the movie in like six and a half minutes. You better

believe it. Kate is kind of with Taylor Kitch's character. And she's been flirting with Sebastian Stan. Why wouldn't you, man, if you could fucking somehow work it and convince those dudes to Eiffel Tower you? Like, that's a fucking handsome sandwich and you're the meat right there. I mean, I will say, just

Taylor, it's just, he's just so much more sexier. Well, that's true. And you're like, Sebastian's a cute guy. Chris, imagine being spit-roasted by both of them. You know what? They put their, you know, their swords in you? And then you're spinning around. Uh-huh.

This is how I imagine it works. I'm almost finished here. And because... Use of magic to jerk up. Society is crumbling, I have to mention. Wow. It's Gambit versus the Winter Soldier and Food Bar. Sure.

And that, which is also the most useless piece of I-M-D-Privia at this point, any movie made after the year 2000, just don't put it in there. Wait, who is Gambit? Taylor Kitch was Gambit for one movie. In two seconds in X-Men Origins Wolverine. Why bother? Which, well, because what happened was

it launched this whole, like, Taylor Kitch was going to be Gambit and X-Men, which frankly, yep, it fucking worked in that terrible movie. It's the only good part of that- now. They haven't, and it was also going to be chatting tandem for a while, but I was going to say...

Oh, right, that also fell apart. Every piece of I'm new interview. Oh, this person played that. Everyone plays a fucking superhero. this point. I think the guy from fucking short bus who jerked off into his mouth played the green lantern at some point. I don't know. Or it was in a voice in one of those DC universe cartoons

or something. Yeah, I don't. I'll get there. Yeah, it's up. By lantern's light, right? No, no, it's up. It's New England clam chowder. Don't worry about it. No, no. Just put a little too much flour in it. It shouldn't be like.

Sorry, I was late for the lantern core meeting. I was swallowing my own semen again. Oh, Guy Gardner, really? Oh, awesome. But yeah. I'd watch that, but I would totally watch it. I would watch the Green Lantern suck his own dick. And by that, I mean Ryan Reynolds.

Yes. The Green Lantern. Oh, so you're going to watch Free Guy again? The Green Lantern and Moeller shot. They've never heard that before. And it's great. they're playing foosball and then like I think Kate

Sarah goes to Kate's like the boys all got up and now we're not having any fun and she's like well that's just what happens here and she goes to the fucking jukebox and puts on Joe and Jets I want to rock and roll

and holy shit does this age poorly I love rock and roll I love Bannett Bannana and then and listen Joan Jett and the black card's fucking rad

I think it's a great song it's been ruined by movies it's also I mean it's been ruined by this movie. Like, just today, like, it comes on the jukebox in this movie. I was like, this fucking stupid song.

And then I was like, wait, you like this song. You hate this movie. Don't let this movie ruin this song. Because it's just like, what is this town from Footloose? You just figured out this song. Like, anything modern? Can you just be like,

well, you know what? No. What does the Fox say? Chris Cabin. Anything modern in this movie is fucking new metal garbage that comes up later during the fight sequence. I would prefer.

Do you want her to put on mudvane? Get out of here. Dude, I wish. Please. Both of you leave. Andrew and I are finishing the episode. Sure. We're in a darkened booth for both of you, like Jeopardy.

Oh, dude, me kidding. He didn't play Final Jeopardy. No, sir. I didn't know you were part of the Joan Jet Defense Squad. I am. I'm sorry to inform you, but you've been caught. Singing, I love cast and spells. Put another time in the weird book, baby.

Oh, no, she's playing Joan Jet. Ricky, go down and get two more. two more kegs a diet Pepsi. We're going to go through it tonight. These kids are going to be drinking Pepsi all night. What's so funny about this scene is that she puts on that song and she gets this confidence to walk over there unnaturally and be like, hey, and now we're dancing together. Exactly.

It's so funny. Isn't this better than Rihanna? Hey, it's it you want to dance. Were we, did we have Rihanna tunes in 2006? Oh, I don't know. It's just very early. I don't know how long she's been around. But then, like, the guy, this is the last scene of the bully guy.

Oh, right. Fucking with Toby Hemingway and they're about to fight. And then Nikki kicks them out. And like, let's take it outside. And then, like, they're about to fight. He's like, we'll see you fucking later. And you never see them again. You never see them again.

And then we have our own little, like, dude fight here. Like, it's like a covenant fight instead because, like. Because everyone thinks that read Toby Hemingway is the bad guy at this point. Yeah. And it's like, you. use the fucking power. I sensed it. Blah, blah, blah. You know, like... Suspect him for, like, draining that kid

of his blood or whatever happened. That is later to be revealed to be Sebastian Stan. And then we get a... Oh, the spider nightmare. Oh, spider nightmare. So many... There's a lot... It's almost arachnophobia

levels of spiders. It happens three times, like, the spider... There's like one scene with a little spider than there's a scene with a spider nightmare. And then finally Kate succumbs to spider injuries. Oh, man. This is sustained during dreaming maybe. Yeah, because Sarah has like, oh, no, is there a

spider on me? Oh, no, there's a bunch of spiders on me. Yeah. And then we get to see the spiders enter Kate, which is cool. We see a lot of Kate's young legs. And then her orifices. I'm talking about, of course, her nose people. Of course. Of course. Nostro. Nostro play with some spiders. You ever do that, Chris?

only once what's uh what's kind of funny is like god damn now I'm just thinking about Chris Cabin nostril play that's ruining my night the arachnids are a sensual creature dude they should have had fucking John Goodman roll up in this movie as the exterminator

that would have been something well she goes to the hospital like Sarah goes to visit her Kate does because Kate's out of the movie at this point bye Kate bye Kate the doctor's like well it's so much I just I can't never see anything like this like take a bunch of spiders

got her. I've never seen anything. I don't have any spider-related medicine. Never. You know, you know what? This might be magic. You know, I've been seeing some magic deaths because you don't see spiders swarm often. That's not really what they do.

It's almost as if a spell was controlling their every move, you see. You say she didn't wake up when she was bit by all the spiders. That's very interesting. Hold on. How much diet coke did she have at Nicky's? Oh, that's a lot of... Oh, I checked her bloodshed. sugar level. The diet coke

consumption was out of control. She had a lot of onion rings to see. Nicky's that's bad too, sure. Another OD from Nicky's. Yeah, too much Diet Coke. Oh, yes. Oh, she's dead. Yes, of course. Too much aspartame in her system. It's a slow way to die.

We've got to close that place down. God damn. But these kids are dying. I warned them. I warned them. Nikki, someday. I don't know when, but someday soon I'm going to take you and your artificial sweetener campaign down you put a limit in it that doesn't make it better

Nicky that doesn't make it better around here is where we get the the swim meat and then sexy swim meet sexy swim meet and then the sexy locker room dude this swim meet here because like of course they're all on the swim team

but it's Caleb and Chase and Chase is Sebastian Chase Pogue is also on it. Yes. They're all on it. Caleb and Chase do the same thing. Yes. Sebastian said wants to take Caleb's place on the teeth.

Correct. Free style, I think. But none of that has to do with what I was about to reference. Even better. Which was the fact that when you see these boys enter the fucking pool room to start doing this swimming, it's like they're just a bunch of dudes. I

caught a lot of puffy nipples here. Sure. But then you get... You want to puff on them? No, I don't. But you get Taylor Kitch and I was ready to fucking puff on this dude. Like this guy is so much more fucking cut than the rest of these kids and like this came at the same year as

Friday Night Lights. So I don't know like what the filming timing is or whatever. So maybe he had like Tim Riggins body shape at this point. But he's so clearly an adult that has had like a professional sculpt his body for movies. Friday Night Lights is that also a high school child? Yes.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Tim Riggins is indeed in high school at the start of that film. It doesn't last long, though. Everything's bigger in Texas. Speaking of, Sebastian Stan goes up to, oh, no, that's what the bully is in this scene, too, because the bully is like, hey, man, what are you looking at? And he drops the F-bomb. Oh, sure. Oh, I wasn't looking at anything because you got a small Willie, a small tally whacker. It's kind of a great line. Sebastian Stan goes, uh, well, fuck. Oh, fuck. I just lost it. It's small penis. There's a, it looks sort of like a,

a penis only small. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like, oh, they don't worry, man. It's not the size that they fight and he punches him. Yeah. Oh, the thing between your legs. It's like a penis only smaller. That's what I says. And they he punches him out. Then like Caleb's like good one dude. Awesome. Hey, yeah. Guess we'll be swimming together. Oh, oh, you did magic guys. Do you totally. No, I didn't lose that race. That dude did magic eyes. That guy had magic eyes at the end there. Hey, ref. ref this guy's doing magic guys right yet and he hits the wall

and he's unconscious I think we are talking about two separate cool scenes that happen very close together so it doesn't does not matter what happens in between them is there's a good like parlor scene about like the I guess the book of damnation or something about all the witches

get together or the warlocks or whatever no one says warlock no we just say do we even say covenant does anyone call a duck Covenant? Yes. The Covenant does, okay. Does get dropped to the movie. I don't know where, but I had the subtitles on so much my brain just remembers reading

the word. But this is where they figure out that Sebastian Stan is the long lost fifth member of the tons of Ipswich, but there's also this line like, yeah, you know, his ancestor, John Putnam was an incubus that fucked Goody Pope in the night or whatever.

Oh yeah, Goody Pope disappeared one night after an incubus. It just says attacked her. I know what that means. Sure. Yep. Absolutely. But we're not

using the word rape in this screenplay. That is what we're talking about here, folks. What do you mean? They took her

to Lollapalooza? Yeah, pardoned me while I look up what your band name means, dude. There is another thing in betwixt

these two swimming scenes where it really doesn't matter. But he, Caleb, yeah, sure,

asks Sarah out to this like fall festival thing. And it's fucking funny to me only because they're in a car. He's dropping her off back at campus. The one building that makes up the campus in this move. Sure. And he's like, oh yeah, you'd want to come to this fall festival with me. It also happens to be my birthday. And she's like, oh yeah, definitely. And they start

making out. And there was so much like it reminded me of an onion ring left over from Nicky's. Oh, that's a Nicky's onion ring. I'd recognize isn't anywhere. I was wondering though, it reminded me of a, I don't know what the episode is, but it's like the Simpson kids, I think, are

like watching a scary movie that's too adult for them and it's like the teens in the car making out and then like the alien comes and get them. But it just reminded me so much of like the sound effects used when those two Simpsons characters are making out because it's such

phony baloney like and the first time that they share it, a smooch in a prior drop-off scene, you can see both of the actors conducting this scene with breathmints in their mouths. Oh, come on. Because like, they're both like rolling, they're rolling around like lifesavers or something in their mouths.

They're going to trade them back and forth, maybe? Dude, if it was a mint swap, you got to show that on. Dude, I bet you kids have spit trinkets now. What do you have? Lifesaver. What do you have, Ludens? Want to trade. Let's trade.

That sounds like a TikTok sensation, you know? Well, maybe it's a TikTok sensation. Mint swapping. Fuck, that's good. Mint swap. Oh, mint swap. Ew. Oh, dude, that's on the fucking TLC's mint swap.

What happens when a bunch of moms take their son to a house and exchange mints with strangers? It's mint swap. So what if all the contestants are siblings? Oh, yeah, because it is swapping through the mouth. That's the one part that TLC doesn't tell you You gotta tune in to find out But like yeah The dance is where all the shit's gonna have

Well nothing's gonna happen We won't even We won't even film a fucking dance In a goddamn high school movie No It's true This is terrible They just they show you nothing

They show you nothing It's all talking like you nothing It's all talk like you figure You know Much like the motion picture Carrie Yes You keep talking about this dance

In a supernatural setting the fucking finale is going to take place at that dance. But also like all the mystery I'm like that none of this is Cliffette everybody I know what's going on

the whole time because first of all we should say the we're kind of at order it doesn't matter all the swim they have the covenant scene because of the swimming stuff because he's like I saw his magic guys

I think he's magic right whatever but that happens that happens 55 minutes into the movie I'm like this is not the first time the covenant should be meeting no and also the fucking dumbest guy in the

audience, Andrew R. Jupin, fucking solved it already. So if I'm solving it, you need to pick up the pace. My favorite line of that scene is Taylor Kitch going, the book of damnation. I haven't read that since I was a kid. But that is the scene where they, you know, they assess out that read is not the guy. And then this is where we get the phone call of the spider emergency. So Taylor Kitch Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, oh. Your girlfriend was attacked by spiders. Guys, I'm going to get on my Dukati motorcycle. I am out of here. How many legs do they have? Oh, 8? Oh, my

God. Serious. You have to kill all the spiders. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck. It was a bunch of spiders. They might have been dream spiders. Oh, fuck. I know what that is. So then he gets on his Duquesquehonti motorcycle and goes 145 miles an hour on this country road. Yep.

And it's such a way. How did I create? Because he, he comes upon Sebastian Stan in the middle of the road. And Taylor Kitch is like, oh, hey, you messed with my girlfriend there. Because as much as I like Taylor Kitch, the dude really needs to only play hardcore Canadians. Sure. He just can't. It actually helps on Friday night lights because he's doing like a southern drawl. So it kind of covers a little bit up.

But right here, it is just fucking Canada town. I've never liked Taylor Kitch specifically. didn't care for him as David Koresh though in that him as David Koresh is good I did not you know give me the death penalty I didn't hate John Carter from Mars I was excited for like a new sci-fi property movie I want to watch it

and I've had that opinion for 20 years when the fuck did that come out you know what it came out because this was the beginning of the end of Taylor Kitch's career in 2012 he had three movies come out the same year John Carter Battleship and the Savages all three like tragedy

Battleship speaking of fucking Rihanna by the way I do believe she's in that movie The Savage is the Navy person The one where that old man Like rubbed shit on the walls That's the savages he's thinking of savages Oh yes no indefinite article Yes it's just savages

Oh yeah Oliver Stone movies The Savage is the Philip Seymour Hoffman movie right Yeah it's like oh wow another love Liza connection Taylor Kitch versus Laura Linney the cartel. Not enough gas huffing in the sandwiches. Sure. But, like, this is when

Sebastian Stan starts doing bad guy acting. It's awful. It's awful. I mean, like, he's gotten better. You know what I mean? He's a young kid. Etcetera, et cetera. But, like, this is just like, are you surprised to find out

that the new person in town is the missing man that you've been waiting for? And I've sent the spiders to your girlfriend. You'll never get. Who made the boy vomit in the party? To his eye. Honestly, this guy's getting the box seats in hell.

You know, because he did. He's doing stuff. He's not just fucking turning skirts up. Sure. And the worst cut in the movie is he's like, and like Taylor Kitch is like, is this the end of Taylor Kitch? And they cut.

And I'm like, no. And then later he's at a hospital. or something. I need to see whatever that is. Because he's like oh, Kate was just my bait to get you here and you're just my bait to get Caleb here. And it's funny

to me that this is a guy giving a mustache twirling performance. A motherfucker ain't even old enough to grow a mustache himself. Pretty, pretty amazing stuff. When Caleb visits him in the hospital he's just like, just like can't even

like get much out. He's just like, oh man that chase is powerful he's got the power you should just give up like right now whatever he says just do it if he wants if you wants your girlfriend let him have your girlfriend i want to just say one thing there's this scene with there's two scenes with the principal yes which and it's like does the principal know about the well i just brought you in here as head of the witches i wanted to be really clear about that can i tell you my theory on this please you're totally right. By the way, this is the dude that played Wyndham Earl and Twin Peaks. Rest in peace. This guy playing

the principal. Actually, Steve, because it's a snooty private school, he's the provost. Oh, yes. Also, you know what has provosts? A lot? Colleges. I feel like we are getting fucking previous draft drip right here. And with this character all together, because he very much, he takes Caleb in. The first scene with the guy is Caleb gets called to the office and he's like, now you better be nice to this new boy here. I see you've taken him under your wing and very good. And the way I'm giving this performance,

it's giving off these vibes if I know more than I'm telling, but the movie isn't going to draw any of that out any further. I'm the devil. Of course, I'm the devil. That should have been it, man. He's the devil. And at the end, it's like the end of Teen Wolf 2. He just like goes up to Sebastian Stan and he's like,

you better not fuck with me. And then he turns out and he's got a goat tail. I would be totally down for all that. It does a goat step stomps a little bit. That would be better than getting the Palpatine treatment. Like getting half goat. Oh, yeah. I just, I want to see a goat-legged Satan for once.

Right. I want to be a goat-legged Satan. I mean, like a legitimate thing. Not like a bad TV show or fucking porno parodies. Like a real series. You know what to see it on Dilfman, Dilt-Dend? Dilt-Doh. Oh, a special.

The new contestant on Dilfden, of course, is, well, why it's Satan and the son of Satan alien. And the body count on Dilf den goes up to 22. Oh, we're bringing in a new Dilf. This one's a centaur. Yeah, you know, Dilfden confessional scene. It was really great when Jerry the centaur moved in. Everyone was real excited. You know, get some fresh blood into the den, you know, but, well, you know, he's a centaur.

This guy's shitting all over the floor. He fucked my daughter to death, actually, yesterday. You know, he's still mostly a horse. He can just trample over anybody. He's killed four people while he's here. I don't think TLC in the production company making the show thought about the fact that, well, Jerry really should be wearing a diaper when he's in the den.

Okay, now put your rose on the body pile. That's the end of this week on Dilf Den. So there's a big parlor scene here where, Caleb goes back to Sarah's dorm here and uh oh here's Sebastian Stan who has like pretended to be him so now we're doing like

shape shifting why not we're doing like full on doppelgango type of shit to the point where it's like even Sarah was fake in the scene and then they cut to her in the bed and he like does a vision thing like a whole room shift I thought he like transported her

to the bed like turned her into a cloud and put her. I think it's a glamour kind of thing like oh you thought you were seeing this but in fact you was on the bed the whole time but i think i mean yes sure but it's a bad movie well sure that's why we're talking about it but the scene starts with just fake caleb yeah and sarah and he's pretending to be caleb and it's blah blah blah here's what's going on and then there's a knock at the door and she's like oh maybe that's fucking so-and-so or whatever and she answers the door and it's real Kayla. Yes. And then

all the, you know, there's a big fucking cloud of smoke and then it's like, actually, I'm standing over here and Sarah's at the bed with a curse, but like, if that's true, yeah, why would you start this whole scene with the fakery? Yeah, I don't know.

Anybody have any red yarn? But it would be cooler if like he read from the Book of Damnation or something. Maybe he's got the original one that the Putnam's absconded with when the witch trials were happening. Like, add a little something to this. Just anything. I'm begging for anything. This is the part of the scene where he explains all the stuff like my dad, I didn't know who I was.

Could you imagine growing up with these incredible fucking powers? And not knowing what they are, but then I found out from my dad. Then he willed be his powers when I ascended and that I killed my foster parents. By the way, let's have a witch fight in which I'm going to kiss you. Sure does. Get ready for that. Dude, it moved. I'll be honest with you. We are one minute closer to midnight. I mean, this, it is so dumb. You need a better motivation other than like,

I didn't know I had any of this. And now I do. And I'm like power hungry. Like, it's incredible that the motivation is just power hunger. It's the lamest movie villain motivation of all the time. You're not even out of high school. What do you fucking want? Yeah, exactly.

even the craft which is not a really great movie but it's a good definitely really watchable movie and leagues better than this yeah forusa balk is like evil and is using her thing like she's like trying to kill

Skid Ulrich and like Robin Tony's like hey this was cute and fun but now this is scary and that's a turn in the movie when it kind of turns in a arm turns in a great performance in that movie and this you got nothing

because the women in the craft all revere the power that they wield right and like so you know yeah like as Ferozibalk gets drunk on it and some of them don't but like it's all in like reverence to the power and again

these motherfuckers are using this gift to unlock doors and restart forwards. Well that's I mean because Fruzabalk in that movie she's poor and like you get to she uses her power she kills her stepdad and that's right

and like you actually see the desire and the hunger and the problem solving capability of this Whereas this, they're just like, we've always been powerful. We just use it willy-nilly now just like when we can take it unless we're addicts, our addicts. You summed it up perfectly because in that movie, they actually provide character motivation. Oh, hey, Nikki, you actually gave you a regular coconut diet. Oh, you know what?

I got it, Nikki. It's cool. I'm just aged another year, dude. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to kill you too now with my devil magic. Because you might have, you don't know, you might have power. I could take power. You might be a daughter.

tip switch. Oh, I learned how to pour Dr. Pepper out of this fucking soda gun from absorbing Mickey's power. But he says, the thing is like tomorrow, when it's your birthday at 11, 12, you will

will your power to me or else I'm going to kill Sarah and I'm going to kill everyone you've ever cared about. Bye, here's a big wet kiss. Yeah. And he's trying to like, he's like Jack Nicholsoning. He's trying to do a lot. Oh, yes. No, Sebastian's saying it's fucking it's outrageous but Caleb is trying because he's like this is gonna kill you man you can't

fucking keep using it like this you know and he's like no no no because I'm gonna get your power because my daddy gave me his power I'm gonna absorb your power and that's gonna buy me more time and this this guy Caleb is like it's like you're talking to a fucking dumb as dick anti-vax person and he just has to be like that's not how any of this works none of it works like this. Dude, the move you would have. It's like, all right, dude, you want to be to, will you, all right, I, if you come and spend the afternoon with my decrepit dad, at the end of that afternoon, but you have to spend

three fucking hours with this dude. And if you still want it after. Yeah. Still wanted after looking at fucking Stephen McHaddy's disgusting fingers and face for three hours. If you still want it, dude, go ahead. You have to watch Gowen or whatever, change his diaper. Three times. Gorman.

Gorman. Thank you. I like the idea this is old guy taking care of him. Like, what's his deal? Exactly. Is his family been servants to the family? The mother doesn't have a servant at the fucking main house, though, so I don't get what's going on. Give me historical background for anything. The most amazing thing about the Gorman and the death. Because for the first two scenes, they're like, it's just like mystery.

Like he's just like, and then right around. when he has to go there to the power. He's like, say hello to my father. Aren't you surprised that this is my dad? The dumbest guy in the theater dropped his Pepsi cup. Like, holy shit. This movie's awesome. Gotta go back to Nicky's and get a refill.

That's what happens when they power themselves to the power. Yeah, a lot of fucking elbow nudging from the losers in the audience at that point. There's a great continuity era. during this scene. So they do have like a little bit of a knock down, dragout fucking witch fight here. One of the things is Sebastian Stan takes his dude and throws him into the bathroom headfirst into a mirror.

The whole thing shatters. Big mess all over the place, right? Where's the goddamn R.A.? Like, excuse me. Yeah, totally. That's a good call. We're getting some noise disturbances. But so like after Sebastian Stan leaves, you know, this dude, Corey.

Caleb, Jesus. It doesn't matter. This guy, you know, he's just a shit. he's like, hey Sebastian Stan, you know, before you leave, undo this spell, because she's going to die with all these spiders popping out of her skin, you know, if you don't mind. And he's like, all right, yeah, you got it. And he takes the spell off her and leaves. They have this shot. They cut to this like wide of the set for the dorm room. Sure. And he has to walk across the room to the bed to check on her. And you have a primo

view of the bathroom. Nothing is destroyed. There's no mess on the fucking floor. The mirror is totally fine. It was the power fix to it. Don't worry. Just a big, how do you fuck that up? And now when you make a movie called the governor. Yeah, they don't care. Wendy Cruison's back in the movie and it's like the night of the dance and she's like,

I can't believe you got your girlfriend involved. He's like, yeah, that was a mistake. And she's like, all right. But you know, and she has to give the information. If you will him your power, you will die, which is like, that I'm not going to will on my power. Yeah. That's the end of that.

Like last week. I don't know. This is where Sarah, like, comes down the stairs, like, it's prom and, like... In the boobiest dress. Oh, dude. Oh, man. It is boobtacular. Kind of out of nowhere.

Not really a boobtacular motion picture. I mean, the whole dance, we never get there. It's just to set up putting her in this dress. Yeah, you're probably right. Which you could have also done for, like, sacrificial ritual. This is where this movie started reminding me of the trailer for, because I did not see it. But Steve, I believe you saw it. whatever and here's the thing

I fucking forgot what the title of the movie is but that movie that came out maybe this year or late last year where the girl goes to England to meet like found family and they're all vampires oh yes oh do the invitation and spoiler alert

skip ahead everybody the movie should be called the invitation to Dracula's wedding and you're the bride no yeah dude so it's good so it's fucking terrible But this kind of reminded me of like, here's this babe, you know, just sending a staircase of these fucking creeps are all around. That movie is really bad.

Was that this year? Was that last year? Fuck. How do we fucking miss that for January? Oh, no. There's not much. It's tall for five minutes. Yeah.

It's dull as dirt. I think it's on Paramount Plus, though. I might get dull as dirt this evening. You can get dull as dirt this evening. You can get dull as dirt this evening. But so like, it's like, okay, we're going to have. this big fight. Hey, I remember there's two more members of the comment. Why do you

take Sarah to the dance for no reason? Sure. And watch her, dude. Make sure you watch. Incredible fuck uppery right here because like the dude is barely off the cell phone call with Caleb. Like yeah, yeah, yeah, got it. And they both turn it. It's the deep in the other guy. And they turn around and it's like, where'd she go? She's immediately kidnapped either of these guys watch. And they're out of the movie. And, like, the dude, the blonde dude was this red herring that, like, maybe at the end, he's like, you nobody fucks with my friends. Totally.

He saves the day or something. Wait, oh, wait a minute. Okay, you didn't watch the director's cut. Oh, I see. They go and they smoke up with these trees that are living and they're talking. And they're drunken around a forest and then there's orcs. I think you're thinking of the movie, Lord of the Ring, two towers. I don't think I am.

I think I'm thinking about the Covenant Directors Cup. Got it. Got you notice it was like two and a half hours longer than the Covenant itself. I mean, it looked about the same. It felt shorter though, right? Listen, how funny would it be if you're just watching this dumb movie and all of a sudden, like you're watching an as advertised director's cut of this movie and like 55 minutes into it, it just turns to two towers?

Selected deleted scenes from two towers. I'd be smiling ear to ear, dude. I didn't fucking remember Brad Durf was in this. movie that much. Fucking take me to Helms Deep, my friend. Absolutely, dude. So they're at... Pour me out.

They're at the barn and now Sarah in her booby dress is like spinning in the background. Right. She's sure. As a prize essentially. Sort of a zool levitation type of thing. Very much so.

Which I forgot to point out, let me correct the record here because the episode is already out. We released an animation damnation on the abysmal cartoon ugly Americans in where the protagonist of the cartoon is banging his boss

who's a hell demon and there is one point where they try to be clever and it's a post-coital scene and she's five feet above the covers Yes Great, anyway, fuck that card show

We're having fun Barn fight Yeah, available on Patreon by the way That's right He is, this is the barn fight This is what Sebastian Stan is like It's gonna get witchy in here And he's like,

You're gonna be my Wii on Dude, my fucking dick went inside my body It's such a bad line. I don't think it's good. I don't think it worked in 2006 either. I don't think it was, I mean, like,

it would have just been funnier if he just like goes all in it and just keeps on doing like, they're going to find you dead in a witch. Yes. Watch out for the next witch. Dead in a witch. Yeah,

I'm going to stuff you inside your mom or something. Don't ask. Don't ask to explain it. Back from Winsett came. I'm going to power you to death. And now the most boring witch fight in the universe. It's boring. but it's wild in terms of just ball

like it's just like they just distort like the foot you know it's like a CG like mirror ball dude running around not this is like effects yet to be finished I don't know what the fuck any of this is the string one the string one where there's stringing people oh yeah you mean a fucking Microsoft Windows screensaver from 1997 suspiciously looks like the pipes

going around it does I mean it This is so bad. And I was waiting for the trivia to give me some nug about like, oh, fuck, halfway through production, the Croatian financiers went to jail for life. And we lost all this special effect or like the production house where we're doing the effects burn to the ground. I mean, because these look so bad. The fact that this is a finished product is astounding. And like just do like, oh, you know, Caleb shoots blue beans and fucking Sebastian Stan. shoots green ones. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't, that would be something. But nothing that happens. It's just water energy. Well, that's the thing. That's the fucking cheapness of it, right? Is they're just like manipulating all the rain around them or whatever? So they're like water bomb, cheap skate bomb. Yeah. It's awful. It's so dumb and it's so not defined. I really don't like the fucking Hadookens. No, it's bad. Do you think Rayu and Ken were burned as witches after?

You know if it's a street fighter? Yeah, I think so. I mean, they would definitely put Blanca down for sure. Like that thing can't go to them. Yeah, I would. You have to. Just try and take him. I mean, like, you're a bunch of fucking Puritans trying to take on Blanca.

But he's a fucking walking radiation bomb, dude. You can't have that guy giving people cancer all over the place. Mercy killing. And you got to bury him deep. Look, hey. Yes, dude. I'm not saying it's a bad idea. I just would like to see the man who thinks he's going to go and do it.

Or the person, you know, you're going to get electrocuted. You're going to die. A bunch of dudes with, like, you know, hunting dark guns. Fucking poor Balrog, man. He's just a regular boxer. You guys, where'd you get superpowers from? I'm trying to fight this fucking huge monster. He's throwing electrical beams at me.

What was the name of the stretchy guy? Dasim. This movie, man, is awesome. The master of the flying guillotine, that's where it's based on. Oh, really? There's an Indian fighter who stretches across the room and it's fucking insane. Interesting. Dude,

where was I catching some, there was some of those fucking flying guillotines and one of the Michelle Yoh movies. Oh, the Herod trio. The head thing. Has the best. Yeah,

that's a wild movie. There are tons of those movies about specifically flying guillotines. There's another one I discovered. I thought I watched, I watched like three or four specific flying guillotin movies and I just discovered a new one.

There's at least a dozen, I think. I love it. They're great. So while they're having a very ill-defined fight, Wendy Cruz is like, you know, I got to get my paycheck

somehow. She goes to Stephen McCatty And she's like, you've never done anything for our son In this one moment, you have to will him your power And he's like, finally I can die All you had to do was ask Wait, is he 18 yet? We're waiting.

I want him to be primate before I give it up. I love that it's the night of the dance is also his birthday. And then that specific hour is when he will ascend. He ascends during this fight. Yes, Palpatine. is thrown into the reactor or whatever. And he gets those powers and starts fighting back. When he is like, this is where, you know,

Russ Mulcahy and all the rest of them have a fucking suit. Yeah. Because this is a quickening. Like, when he ascends, it's just lightning hitting him. He's floating. Yep. That's a quickening in my book, friend. The whole McGillard. It's fucked up. And then his like special dad. Clancy Brown woke up in a cold sweat. Oh, my God. someone is using the powers. Well, could you imagine if someone intimidating was hunting them

instead of Chase, the new kid at school? Dude, Clancy Brown witch hunter? Absolutely. Would watch. Would love. But when he gets daddy's powers, those are like, I thought I was watching fucking Shazam all over again. There's lightning coming down from the sky and zapping him.

And then it's like, there's no real change. any of his abilities. He just beats him. He wins. He throws him into a fireball that wasn't there and then it was. And then the barn burns down and it's fittingly his ancestor's barn that he's burning to death in. But wait, what's this? The fire department combs the entire area and there was no body found. Dun dun dun dun. Until Johnny Knoxville and the old man makeup comes out. I'm going to beat you still. I'm going to beat you still. I was sitting there in my living room waiting for the just one last scare And the movie uses the one last scare setup as a fucking half-ass sequel setup

And you're totally right though Chris We you said it 45 times in this movie The only almost interesting thing about this movie is that When you use your magic you turn into a fucking old man It needs to happen at the end of the movie That needs to happen to chase We need a full on Indiana Jones the Last Crusade what is happening to me.

That would be actually cool. Yes. He should look like the riddler at the end of Batman forever with all those fucking Oh, yes. Yeah, that shit. I mean, it seriously feels like for whatever reason they shot this movie, you know, in order and just money ran out because it just feels like this movie had like at least, I don't know, like two, three more scenes in it. Oh, easily. And it just ends. I mean, we don't want to, we don't want to throw this.

Sebastian Stanke. Look at that face. Can't you imagine that face being the Winter Soldier? You don't know what the Winter Soldier is? Oh, it's a very popular character. Is that the guy that drinks his own cum and short bus? That is it. That is it. It's a winter soldier. He's a cold drinker. That's why

it's winter. Snowballs himself. Also, White Christmas. It is, it should not be lost on any of us that the poor climax of this movie is a literal barn burner and it could

could not be farther from an actual barn burner if it tried. They don't even burn the barn well. It's fucking, it looks like shit. Yeah.

He saves her, you know, they all walk out and everything, blah, blah, blah. And then he fixes windshield at the end of the movie. Yeah.

The other thing that's funny, though, is like the fight and everything, of course, is taking place at night. Yeah. The fucking fire department

is there in the morning. Like, the sun is up and I was like, so the two of them just like hung out. Wouldn't you like get the fuck out of here? Well, they went to Nicky's and had to come back. Yeah, and then come back. Like, all right, we'll go.

We'll get a, we'll get a Dr. Pepper and some fucking French fries. Come back. Full on Nicky's sweet treats. A celebratory fresca for everybody. Ooh, yeah. The press for all my friends. The test audience want less about the mythos of the covenant and the family history and the powers. They want more Nickies.

More time at the soda. They're going to the fanta of a fountain. Oh, yeah. Go swim in that. Now this movie We didn't talk about it But the second time you see it here Is at the end of the movie

The CGI book of whatever Because when they have their little Coven meeting Of Damnation Oh well excuse me Which I read as a kid Yeah I haven't touched it since I was a kid Yeah sure I wonder if it holds up

They're having this meeting And the book is like floating in the circle It's the worst CGI little book you've ever seen Better fucking computer graphics And the Pagemaster with books. But then it's like the end it's like here's the story and like their names are all in it like

this chapter 17 is like the movie that you just watched but then like you can clearly seen this book that's only like halfway through the book man we got all sorts of covenant chapters to get to we could eventually do prequels too. Absolutely. Chapter 17

what happened in chapter 16 Eric we're going to find out one. Oh yeah just what was going on in I don't know 1997 in this town Yeah, but then the movie came out and they turned to chapter 11. Oh, excellent. And with that, that is the end of this fucking movie. Yikes.

Eric Siska, what do you think? Final thoughts and recommendation? Okay, it's a terrible movie. I hate it. There's so much wrong with it. The lack of mythos, the lack of caring, the fucking terrible acting, the terrible scenes, the terrible sets, the terrible CGI. But it is kind of a fun. It's a little bit of a hoot.

Yeah. It's a little bit of a hoot. you know, you, it's 90 something minutes. You watch it. It's stupid as fuck, but it's something you can hoot and holler at the TV at. So it's a soft recommend with the caveat that it is definitely bad. There you go.

Chris Cam. Absolutely not. Don't watch this movie. Go find the eradicated episodes of Dilfden. It's much like the faces of death movie. Oh, yeah. With more sex and daughters. That is what

faces of death could have used, by the way. It was more sex. Yes, indeed. Throw a couple daughters in there. Yeah. I mean, like Taylor Kitch again is very attractive, man. And I like watching him and everything. But there's really nothing else here I can even vaguely gesture towards enjoying.

I mean, Rennie Harlan is like, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's like he directed this in his sleep. Whereas like he, that's the one thing you could give him is usually his movies make you pretty pepped up. I couldn't get there with this. This movie is better than driven. which is what he also It definitely

It is It is to me it is I will say as I decided It only took me over a decade I don't like going last off time I feel selfish So I'm going to do this here And then Steve can take his home

I will say Any of these fucking Secret ass movies That Rennie Harlan has directed Over the last few years Including class reunion three The Misfits Bodies at Rest

Legend of the Ancient Sword skip trace that one's with Jackie Chan and Johnny Knoxville the legend of Hercules Devil's Pass a bunch of burn notice five days of what I mean there are so many movies of his

that I haven't heard of that I'm like well they gotta be better they gotta be better you should do some research I might do there's one on here with Sam Jackson called cleaner that I might check out but you know

this ain't great there's other Rennie Harlan movies that you can watch that like show what this dude is capable of I feel like this is If you're like, I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to say is like, don't pin this all on Rennie Harlan. I don't think it's all his fault.

This could have just been a paycheck. Maybe the dude had like a crack in his driveway that he needed, you know, tard over or whatever. I don't know. But this is fucking bullshit, you know, Taylor Kitch, watch Friday Night Lights. There's my recommendation or the fucking Waco show. He's great in both of those. Steve Sadek, take us all. Yeah, I, Eric and I are going to form our own little covenant.

Yeah. Guys that recommend this movie because it is kind of a hoot. I totally agree. Yes. It's silly as fuck. The music is terrible. The acting is worse. Yeah.

It looks like shit. It smells like shit. But if you are around people that enjoy that, maybe you're having a couple of diet pepsies together. Oh, you know what I mean? Really fucking wild on some Pepsi. Exactly. And you're hanging out.

I think you'd enjoy yourself one time. The second time I was like, the second time I was like, I'm watching The Covenant again. It was one of those things where we rented on Amazon, prime and it was like start over like oh start over didn't you already rent this loser exactly could you not remember that please uh that's oh shit man that is indeed the covenant that also brings to a close unfortunately the 2023 listener request month here a big thanks to Dana there we go from Chicago uh but yeah thank you so much for all the fucking hundreds of phone calls that I did not

have to sift through uh that is all Steve and Chris takes the fucking Patreon letters and everything. So big things to everybody who requested on both feeds here. Listener request month is always really fucking fun, man. I got to say this one, pretty solid, solid listener request month a year.

Agreed. You guys stepped it up this year. I appreciate it. And the party continues on Patreon. That's right.com slash we ate movies where we have a we love movies episode on the divisive, the man who would be king. That's right. John Houston's epic film with Michael Kane and Sean

Connery. Really really wild movie. A lot of impressions on there. I mentioned it already, Steve, with the animation damnation. Yeah, it's ugly Americans, which is a cartoon that some people like that we really did not. Absolutely. Sorry. What do we got on the Gleap Glossary

this month? We have R5D for the red droid that has the bad motivator. A lot of fun in that episode Celeb guest, big A.k.a. Skippy the Droid, by the way. That's what I learned on the Gleaf Gloucary. The Jedi

Droid. We focus on the Skippy, the Jedi Droid saga. If that doesn't entice you, I don't know what will. On the Nexus, we're doing an episode of Voyager with the Rock and an episode of DS9. With, called in the pale moonlight. Things got a little dangerous

on Melo 2 and O. Christian. They're getting a little hot in the, I mean, we're all in chaos mode in Melrose place. Oh, yeah. It's just going to be chaos from now on, I think. But yeah, like 90210.10, I think it's a, it's a trauma episode. Yeah. We got a shotgun. Oh, yes. Oh, we got a shotgun. We got a shotgun. Spina guns. John Wickman Terry. That's right. Excellent segue. Syncable commentary track to the cult, well, the massive hits. Yeah, it's not a cold classic.

No, no, I fucking wish they only made one and it was just a cult classic. John Wick, we have a commentary track, sinkable. It's a lot of fun. Very fun commentary. But here's the thing. Like, yeah, sure, we are ending a special month here. But we ain't taking no vacation because the show rolls on with a ridiculous theme month just starting next week. Steve, what is going on? I have to give this to Eric. This is Eric's idea.

Oh, yeah. It's Eric's idea. Well, Andrew, you named it. But we're doing a little monkey business this April. That's right. Every, every movie is an ape-related or monkey-related movie. What are we starting with? Oh, Dunston is going to check in next week.

That's right. Now, this is a movie about a monkey that lives in a hotel that I think is managed by Jason Alexander. Well, I imagine we have to start with the monkey actually checking into the hotel, right? Putting a card down for incidentals. That's exactly right. Apesidentals. Oh, apes or dendals. Tim Curry, we're going to need a credit card for all of your apes or dendals.

Steve, I hate to break it to you. I believe Dunstan is a stowaway. Oh, motherfucker. Yes. But there's so much ape shenanigans, folks. You're going to have so much fun. We're doing a live virtual on the internet show video. You can watch us do a live episode on 420 fittingly.

We are talking about Peter Jackson's King Kong. Yes. Tickets are on sale now. And, of course, Come see us in Los Angeles and San Francisco this May. That's right. And in June, if you're around, we'll be in New Brunswick, New Jersey, at the state theater, New Jersey, doing a special,

we love movies taping for a pride event there talking about the birdcage. That's going to be a lot of fun. All this ticketing info is on WHM podcast. Go check all that shit out. And until next week, when Dunstan checks in to kick off April indeed. I've been Andrew Juppin. Steven Sadek. Eric 666.

Chris Gavin. Take it easy. Thank you.