We Hate Movies - S13 Ep669: Monkey Shines

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

On this week’s episode, APE-ril continues with a chat about George A. Romero’s totally bonkers helper-monkey horror film, Monkey Shines! Should that nurse have been allowed to move in with her awful bird? Should John Pankow’s character be skipping so much sleep like that? Is it always this awful to work with a Stephen Root character as your boss? Has the Tooch ever played sleazier? And how about that sex scene, huh?! Now we’re talkin’! PLUS: Lots of talk about how to make Pat Sajak’s inevitable funeral more fun! Monkey Shines stars Jason Beghe, John Pankow, Kate McNeil, Joyce Van Patten, Christine Forrest, Stephen Root, Stanley Tucci, Janine Turner, and Boo the Monkey as Ella; directed by the late legend, George A. Romero. San Francisco, Los Angeles and New Brunswick, NJ—tickets on sale now for our upcoming spring and summer shows, along with the just-announced VIRTUAL LIVE SHOW all about Peter Jackson's King Kong happening on 4/20! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new DILF Den, Grab-Ass & Cancer, SW Crispy Critters, MINGO! & WHAT IF Donna? designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, watch out for them hair dryer throwing monkeys, man, because we're talking monkey shines. I'm Andrew Jupin. I am Stephen Sadek. Eric Shinska. A capuchin cabin. And we ape movies. Hello, Hello, everyone. Welcome to WeApe movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. April continues here on the program. We're talking. George A. Romero's monkey shines from a 1980. What's that?

1988. 98. Wow. And now the title is for like when a monkey takes a shine on you. I think he does. Yeah. You're in trouble. You're in trouble now.

A monkey starts batting her eyelashes at you. You're in real trouble. Hey, Steve. He's got a lipstick on. Why did you do that to the monkey? Honestly, they could have gone that rude. They could have gone to Gremlin's too with this human brain tissue. Oh, dude.

If she puts on a wig and a little dress at the end, She's like, hi. Ooh, I'm your new boyfriend. Oops, I dropped my pen. Oh, God. Yeah, spend it over. Anyway, I do want to say, uh, up front, yes, it's April and this is a monkey movie. Guess what?

I barely know the difference. All simians are welcome on April. Yes. Yeah. And also just ask yourself, why do you care? I know. People are going to tell me. What are you working in a fucking zoo?

And if you do, hey, and you smell like what too. Can I get a free tour? I was going to say, man, you know, I've been going through all the planet of the apes movies since we recorded the WLM. I saw another film recently that had some zoo footage. And I'm getting there, man. I'm pretty much anti-Zoo in this point.

Or a biological park, as they call it elsewhere. Certainly understand that. Oh, Chris Gabon noted it's new lover. Oh, of the films. The film, not necessarily, you know, the practices and the general mood of zoos. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's just like, there's a reason why this monkey's

going to eat your fucking face off because you kept it in a cage. Also, an equally good documentary by Frederick Wiseman named Zoo. There's many shades here. But you're right, it's very hard to tell the difference for someone like me not trained. And I know someone's on Reddit saying, well, these actually lay

eggs and they're like whale or something. I don't know. Oh, dude, can you imagine a fucking a whale? A whale sized ape? Yeah, dude, a sea picture that sea ape. It's kind of blue. King Kong, just swimming in water. This is a fucking Chitulu-esque nightmare we're talking about here. That would swallow the world. It really would, dude. And I would watch

that fucking kaiju movie about it. Yes. It's too bad. You're about a year until Pixie's Doolittle comes out and you could use Monkey Gone to Heaven for the opening credits or the that's my one major problem with this movie. A movie I like very much is that I think you should have gone for like when he turns on the tape

it's always a monkey song. Oh yeah. So you're doing like kind of a, what do you call it? American Werewolf in London kind of a Yes. Rolling Stones, Monkey Man. Or just just the monkeys. Oh, do anything by the monkeys? Just some tunes by the monkeys, man. Like this little, this little capuchin monkeys

like being serenated by Davy Jones and whatnot. Like I can see that happen. Jake Giles band Monkey Island. You play all eight minutes that fucker. Dude. Now we're just burning clock. By the way, speaking of burning clock, Let me hit play real quick. Coming soon to theater.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, it is the VHS trailer game. America's favorite non-monkey game show, where I, Stephen Sadek give you some clues, and it's about obsolete materials. I fucked that up because I put in monkey things. But it's fine. What the fuck? You're not doing monkey theme for this?

No. I honestly, I thought that's where we were going. I frankly, I couldn't be more disappointed if I tried. But then you'd be like, oh, it's the fucking, which monkey movie is that? I don't know. All big trailers from Monkey Shines, I assume. Well, then that would be pretty dull on the Monkey Shines episode, Chris. Well, aren't you a prognosticator?

This is actually, FYI, from the 1990 UK VHS of Monkey Shines. Listen, I don't know what movie came out in dreary old London this week. But it's, so just as an FYI, set your brains to like late 80s early 90s. So it's like 88 through 90s. So you're saying we're on a little bit of a European delay with these Hollywood rights.

Yes, exactly. But just as, you know, the clues will speak for themselves. F. Y. I speak. All Ken Loach movies. Hey, also real quick. So if this is America's favorite non-monkey game show, what is America's favorite monkey game show?

Oh, that's a wheel of fortune. Pat's agent. That's fucking ape. That dude's fucking ticks out of his own ass absolutely. When he did 23 and me, it came back all a he did not even actually ape and vodka. Pat Sajek did 23 and me and it just came back with a box

that was a fucking a bottle of smeared off in a fucking King Kong DVD he thought it was a dating site. Yeah. I'm 20, me, 23 year old and me. I'd like to solve the puzzle. Fucking pervert. Mighty Pat Sajak.

do you think i mean because like when when trebek died like the world kind of stopped for like a yes you know what i mean like that's what happens to beloved figures but do you think he thinks that's going to happen for him or do you know in his heart of hearts it's never going to happen guess what steve it's going to happen for him to guarantee it you know how many grampies watch the wheel that's true we're going to for you're going to be forced to hear about it they're going to march his body around like the queen of england it's going to be it's going to be a bad day of homes across the country where old people are.

He'll be laid in state Topeka fucking Florida. Here's what it is. Here's what it is, right? He's laying in state and it's just a, it's a green, it's an all green rectangular casket. It's green on all just flat green like matte green on all sides. And then it's like, all right, the viewing hours have started and Vanna White

walks out to it and waves her hand over the coffin and then it's revealed that it's that fucking loser laying in the state. Bankruptcy. Four letter word for passing away. Oh, God. All right. Do not worry about Pat Sajek.

I will review the scores where we are kind of, we're like midseason here. We're getting, we're routed into shape. I guess this is midseason. This will end in at the end of July. So this is still about roughly four, three or four more of these.

So three quarter mark. And by the way, I'm fucking losing. You're dead last with 23 points. Eric, you have 26 points. Wow. And Chris is 33. Everyone's within straight distance. And at the end of this, there is

your favorite, a movie I've never even fucking heard of. So there will be a double point bonus round at the end of this. Oh, if it was the UK tape of this, is it the trailer for Meat Pie 4? It's blimey. The musical. Oh, come on.

By that time, we were at Blimey 4. Yeah, you're right. You're right. So just as... Blimes in Ireland. I am going to, you know, ask some questions. These guys are going to buzz in. If you buzz in, you're out of the round. You know how this game goes.

You're going to ask some questions? I'm going to ask you some questions. I'm going to ask you off your questions. All right, here it comes. Yes. Round one. Game Masters clue. Arguably the greatest actress of all times slummed it

when she went mono-e-mano coming up against an obnoxious TV superstar who is now cancelled in their theatrical debut arguably the greatest actors of all time slummed it when she went mono e mono

with an up and coming obnoxious TV superstar who is now cancelled in their theatrical debut interesting I think I have an idea of the actors but I couldn't tell you the movie yeah it's a little bit of an obscure

obscure one. Tribune trivia, if that's going to help, we're to move on. Real-life romance novelist Jackie Collins received a special thanks credit because this movie takes place in the world of the romance novel that doesn't really help anything.

People, I don't think anyone's screaming in their car. Everyone in Britain is I mean, this is an American, these are all American and American adjacent adults. For all I know, this one did you know, gangbusters over there.

The monkey shines VHS, for Christ's shape. The tagline, which I think is helpful. Okay. The story of the greatest evil ever known to man. His ex-wife. His ex-wife. Greatest actress of all time, arguably. Up and coming obnoxious TV superstar who is now canceled.

So it's just those two. If you could just put those two together. Huh. My mind is going somewhere wrong. I'm thinking like Meryl Streep and. Scott Bayo. You're getting close. Here it is star number two.

Rosanne Barr. Oh, oh, oh. You're going to raise your hand if you're going to do it. I know. Chris Cabot. She devil? It is she devil for two points. Merrill Streep and Roseanne.

Fucking she devil. Yep. I had no. For some reason. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Holy shit.

That I know that movie pretty well. Yeah. Wow. Really? I've never seen it. Kind of a stay tuned, I think. It is definitely a stay tuned. It's really.

I actually, there's a lot I like about it, but it absolutely is an episode. Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. And then Roseanne. Oh, yes. Because it's like Ed Begley. They're all both like fighting for the dick of Ed Begley Jr.

Right. That dude's hanging a hammer. That's for sure. I totally forgot the romance novel thing. Yeah, that's that's. I thought they were just shitty neighbors. Oh, because isn't the like the poster art kind of drawn to look like an old like pulpy romance novels?

Merrill Streep is a romance novelist and yada, yada. She steals Ed Bagley from that big dick. Okay, here comes round two. Big Dicks. Game Masters Klu. An action star plays an ex-foreign legion member fighting at the Eric. It's a lion heart.

It is Lionheart for five big fucking points. Pretty good. Pretty good John Claude Van Dan. I remember that liking that one. By the way, because the UK VHS that I watch this on, this is called, it's The whole thing, it's that I'm like, and people, even some guys like, hey, Lionheart. And I'm like, oh, it's Lionheart.

And then at the end, it's like, AOL, absent without leave. So that's the, this movie was released under five titles. Lionheart, full contact, AOL, AOWL, AOWL, AWL, absolutely without leave. I thought you were saying like, like America Online. Yeah, I think I fucked up a movie. AOL keyword movie. Wrong bet and Leon. so there you go. I like

wrong bet the best. Wrong bet. Like just that makes the least sense. I want to buy a ticket to something I have no idea what's going on. It's a movie where Bet Midler bets the house Oh dude. That's wrong. So you guys fucking sub-lady and it's not

Bet Midler. It's like Bet Jones. All right here we go. Keep it going. Wrong bet. Round three. Game Masters Kalu. Let's do it. A wacky comedy that tried to harness this comedic entertainers, particular set of skills using

song parodies, commercial parodies, and gross out gags. All set Eric Siska. U.H.F. It's U.H. F. Wow. That's right. And if I'm doing my match currently, Eric Siska's currently in the lead. Wow. Chris. You know what that means? The world's biggest hangy. Still crooked? Somehow,

it's still crooked. I well, yeah, I guess. I could, I knew she devil. All right. Sure. This is double points. So now people can come back, but I don't think anyone's going to This is so obscure and weird and I kind of need to watch this movie. Okay.

Game Masters Clue. A Mad Max ripoff that had people in an Australian post-apocalyptic wasteland playing a deadly form of football with a dog's skull. Well, that sounds awesome. Yeah, it's like just another

wasteland thing. It's like it's all about they're all part of a team and are they going to win against the league or some crazy Is you win like the league championship? Is it like a year's worth of gas? Probably or pieces or something. Guzzoline, please.

So this is just a documentary about Australia? Yes. All right. Tribute, trivia, the sport played in this movie as reference to the comic book, Warriors of Plasm, published in the early 1990s by Defiant Comics. Okay. In the book, the sport is called Splatterball.

Splatterball, you say. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. Here comes tagline. When juggers play, there is. only one way to live the hard way. Oh, sure. No way.

Hard juggers. I look like mine a little softer. Star number two is Joan Chen. You know, and star number one, it had to be Rutker Howard, didn't it? Wow. Oh, yeah.

Rutger Howard, Joan Chen in a playing sports with a dog skull post-apocalyptic Australian movie, which how did either of them get in that movie? I don't know. The movie is called at least when it was released in Australia Salute of the Jugger is the name of the film

but in America it was released under the blood of heroes Nope Salute one for Salute One for Salute of the Jugger's plays Oh my God, yeah I'm gonna jerk off in the back of the Juggers movie

Yep it's two adults and three children for jacking off the Jaggers or whatever it's called I already forgot the name of the Jaggers Salute of the Jaggers A little class had a common while watching them Juggers

Fellas, you want to pretend like we're joggers? How about I'm jugga one, you're jugga two. How about you? You jug me off? How jug you off? I'm just so tired of all these made-mix cinematic universes. I'd like to see somewhere where Australia, you know, you can just get water. You can just go and get water wherever you want. Is an obscure one because there's a ton.

Oh, yeah, there's that I do know of. Yes. I didn't, I've never heard of this thing. I was like, what the Vincent van Dinoffrio is fucking around? I heard blood of you here. That one I heard. Oh, of course. give him the points. Oh, excuse me.

He heard of the movie. Sore winner over here. Just fucking gets 10 points. Just sore period. Seriously. I'm just in the asshole. Uh-huh. Good. I'm going to salute. To you, my jugger, I salute. Well, thank you.

Jay, master. No, okay, I'm going to be the jugger. Larry, you're going to be the crimper. Tully, you're going to be the tallywagger. You know, you throw the bagger to the joso. And Evan, you're going to be the felder. That's right, mate. You got to come in at the end.

Feld it up when you're juggering. Now, Tinney, you're the Piper. You've got to be there at the end. The Piper's the most important person with the dog's skull. Boy, Alex, we can't start the game without the goof logger making it down here. They did anglicize it a little bit from a salute of the Juggery Jaws. Now I know so much about Australian rules football. Yeah, exactly.

Are there jugger leagues out there? Do I get to see this? If the, I have your trivia is to be believed some people started playing this game after the movie came out. I think. With actual dog skulls? I don't know. I imagine you'd probably use an old pink skin there. I would hope so.

Is it like a big deal you think? I wonder about that. I don't know. But the way it's played in the movie, it's like, you play and you die. So here we are, man. In Romero territory. And I'm trying to think like, I don't know if we've ever done a Romero to be quite honest. I don't know.

I don't think so. I don't think so. So this is kind of, it's interesting to start bringing Romero onto the show, not with a zombie motion picture. But with, with this movie that's about a little capuchin helper monkey who's genetically engineered by cousin Ira from Matt About You. Of course. John Man Cow. Big critique of the movie. I know the movie's pretty good.

But big critique of the movie. Yeah. That monkey's too small. Oh, really? I want a bigger, like, you got a bigger ape taking care of? care of me. Now I'm scared. You know what? That makes sense, though, because you're the one, you always want to die.

So the gorilla in your house almost stintes the deal. You're definitely dead. I also just want to watch a gorilla in a house with some guy being like, but this is, it's not that threatening this little guy. It's not. Sure. Until he's running around with fucking syringes and switch blades. You know, throwing

a fucking hair dryer in the bathtub. Doesn't take a big monkey to know how to use gasoline and matches. Seems pretty quick. I would be honest, if something's going to kill me, I'd rather be the gorilla, because the gorilla's just going to rip my throat right out, and I'm done, I'm done for it. Sure. A little capucho monkey's going to, like, stab

me and, like, bite me and do weird shit. Eat your dick. Exactly. Yeah, just like pieces off of you at a time while you're still alive. Marcel, stop eating all the pieces of me, Marcel, no. Oh, man, now I'm going to be late to work at the museum. Oh, fine, you can have some earlobe.

Just nibble at it a little bit, please. Yeah, I mean, this is the rare tract of George Romero movies that doesn't have anything to do with zombies, but more about man's inner fucked uppery, which is what a lot of the non-zombie movies are about. Sure, we should mention we did actually record WLM on The Crazies, but it was just us in silence crying and just being depressed, so we couldn't really release that. I don't think the folks would have liked it. We should do a cry cast of some kind, like really just. like a down mood

you know, like down tempo. Dancer in the dark. Oh, sure. Yeah. Just do melancholia, baby. Oh, sure. All those are funny, though. I love that this movie starts with this huge text that's like, hey. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Boston University has a really successful helper monkey program that kind of inspired this movie. But by the way, no monkeys were harmed in the making of this. And then they doubled down on it because of the back end credits, it's like just a reminder, no monkeys were hurt. And also in the track record of this program, nothing like this movie has ever occurred. I would not trust it now, especially not Boston University. I know this, I cast all their science and doubt to me. If they're training murder monkeys all the time. Sure. I mean, the thing is, is that you know the thing was like, I can't wait to put out monkey shine. Just get a fantastic picture. I don't think we need any. text explaining anything. Who directed it? George Romero? Okay, you know what? We're going to have

seven pages and then maybe we edit that down. The zombie man wants to make a monkey picture. Of course they're going to think he fucking fucked with the monkey. Apparently there was a protest about from the American people of disabilities that organization because there was the trailer or at least

the poster was a monkey in a wheelchair a toy monkey in a wheelchair. Like that's not cool. There was some stuff about this. Like that would have been something, right? If the monkeys, maybe there's a toy monkey that an evil spirit has gone into and has to fight the real monkey? That's the thing, dude. And that's why for years, I was totally thinking that this movie was about something else.

I went to Romero head for almost my whole life, but I got to this like in college. And I was like, yeah, this is the movie with the fucking wind up monkey. I remember the post. Last night, Jen came out of the bedroom just like, oh, what do you watch? monkey shit. That's all with the toy monkey. I'm like, apparently not. It's not Skinnamarink. Everybody calm down. Skin of a rink with an ape. That's an idea.

Oh, yeah. Dude, you're just in that fucking 1991 house and then like, boom, there's a gorilla there. It's on the ceiling. It's disappearing like the toilet. It's terrible. This guy, you know, I didn't know what this movie was really about. I kind of went in cold because I never saw it. But immediately,

and I kind of had an idea that it was about a helper monkey for a quadriplegic, but You know this guy's in trouble. This guy loves his legs. Honey, I'm leaving. I'm using my legs today. Oh, honey, it's me fitness fanatic. You know how we just saw Die Hard 2?

I love the idea of just exercising naked. Now, this is, so this is Chicago PD's Jason Begay, much younger here. The TV show, he was not on the force. No, no, no. The Dick Wolf show that. I'm not old enough to watch. The many heads of the Chicago Hydra that are going on right now.

I tried to watch it the other day and ask for my AARP card. It's like scan it. But this dude gets out of bed at the fucking ass crack at dawn and he's doing like naked yoga. And I don't know how you are cool with this wall-to-wall carpet being just up your taint. I don't know how you can exercise like this. It's probably comfy, right? You get a little taint rub on. No way.

Do you see that? It's dude. But do you want a cold floor on your taint? routine? Yes. I would much prefer. Really? Yeah, for sure. First of all, you're exercising. Why don't you put a pair of fucking shorts on? Well, apparently that's not an option. Get a yoga mat.

Andrew, you said to ask our God, because he wakes up and he grabs his girl, what's the lady here? Is it is this Linda? Oh, Linda? Northern Exposure. Northern Exposion woman. Oh, and he is just like, he does this thing where he looks at it, and then he like, he's like, God, I love being

alive. Oh, he just grabs that ass and just like, oh, I love being. sexually virile. It was a full moon last night. Now it's the ass crack of dawn. So should I do the naked Pilates have sex for the eighth time or do my weight run?

Which one should I do first? Let me put a bunch of bricks in my bag and go jogging so if something happens, it's irreparable. Let's just take out this spine immediately. And this is like, what are you even doing and like fitness people? I know. It's a whole

different existence. Listen, you're going jogging. You're physically fit. You look great. Why do you need bricks in a backpack and ankle weights? All us quietly saying, stop showing off. This guy looks amazing. It looks amazing.

There are weighted vests now, probably because of so many monkey shines. That have happened. Oh, no, we got another monkey shines related injuries. You're never going to believe it. Another backpack full of bricks. Just all these bricks on the highway. I just hate all these runners.

I just hate watching them go down Bunkyside by Bucky's side. Jerry Orbach. Hey, you're not going to believe this. Yep, Bricks into backpack. Because I think like if you, because he like,

let's be real. Like he gets hit by this truck. He's like, he's jogging down the street. This dog is evil dog. Separate evil dog movie going on. We don't watch the end of. Yep.

Yep. Coo sequel happening in this fucking house. And he gets like tapped by this truck and you see him go flying and everything. I think like. if you didn't have the bricks and the ankle weights you weigh less you kind of just would have got bumped and gone like flown farther but not hurt as much

it would be great if you hit the car hits him but the bricks kind of insulated but dent the car like are you Superman? Oh my God I just ran over Superman Where's your glasses? I know he has glasses before he does the thing Oh my God I'm so sorry Superman

I hit you in my truck. Am I? Cryptonite. Oh, no, my Krypton Night. The new Cadillac Criftonite. I do, yeah, the Evil Dog movie, like, this dog is like, then he's going to, like, kill his babysitter and acts, like, it's just, it's just a separate

horror movie going on. Yeah. That he's just, this a little, a little, that's, dude, that's, like, do, like, what do you call it there? What's that movie? Uh, grind house. Like, you do a double feature. Oh, sure. Then after monkey shines, it's doggy shines or whatever. Or, you know, honestly, I mean, I like how atmospheric this movie is.

I like that we take our time, dealing with him and all of his issues. But I could use like to look out the window and the dog walks by now it's the dog movie for five minutes and the dog's doing shit. What about if the dog and the monkey like started out as adversaries by the end of this horror movie

they teamed up. And the monkeys riding the dog with a spear or something. It's like, it's tagging people. See that's the thing dude, implant of the apes, right? Like the chimps, the orangutans,

the gorillas, they're all big enough that they can ride a horse. Yes. But when the capuchins get into that, situation what are they gonna do they gotta ride a dog yes yes and also i mean there's only so many like it wouldn't be awesome if they could do like a mace and they were just doing it oh yeah i think that's gonna make the capuchin monkey fly off well that's too much some sicko is designing weapons for this the little tidy chainsaw dude and that's played by lance henrickson and he's just some old

creep in a basement yeah and he sees the like capuchin monkey come through the window like oh oh there little fella oh you you want a mace that's more built for your body size. Oh, I can do that, yeah. He builds like a whole little battle bot for him. Yeah, totally. All right, a monkey, which one's just stayed in front of this mirror. I'm going to put this little rig on you, put a jacket.

And now you say, are you talking to me? And now the pump action will come through the arm. Right. The drawer, yeah, I love that device. A monkey-sized chainsaw. That's just so crazy. It might work, buddy. Yeah, I could do it.

really really tiny throwing stars yeah I can do those this is a last resort to your monkey for you've seen the movie first reformed how do you feel about wearing a heavy vest no bricks bricks aren't in it look we'll put some padding before

the barbed wire but you know it's kind of some of it's gonna get through I mean honestly if you told me that it would more than likely not go off and you're like alright Steve you have to run a mile you get the brick pack back or the bomb with the first reformed collar ball? I would be like, I might go first reformed on this one instead of Bucky Shines.

I'll break me up. The bomb stuff, that's, ooh, I don't know. You'll be a little pep in your stuff. Playing wages of fear with myself. No, thank you. So, yeah, he gets, he gets nailed and, you know, we instantly see Stanley Tucci comes in. Now, here's the thing. If you suffer, there's a tip to anybody.

out there. If you suffer a critical back injury, a spinal injury, such as what we see in this motion picture, monkey shines, if the doctor walks into the surgery room, the little surgery theater there, you know, to help you out. Oh yeah. And he looks like scuzzy 1980s Stanley Tucci with this fucking crooked car salesman haircut that he's got and everything. You got to get out of there. You got to get a different doctor. This guy's crooked. Oh, but it's working. It's really nice. to look at. I was needed. You can't give me some cool in jail after I wake up to this hot stuff I'm looking at here. Oh, it's way better now, though, isn't it? Oh, it's always been good. I watched an Instagram video, him on the day making a BLT sand. That was the sexiest thing I've seen

in weeks. Smooth now. I guess it depends on what you like. It's very neat. Now he's like a nice, like, piece of fish very nicely. I like him in a sloppy burger situation as well, which is this, because he is greezy. This is like him in a scumbag period. He's in a previous

episode Undercover Blues Undercover Blues Five points No You know what I can't believe I thought of that

And it should be five points I don't think about Undercover Jugas What's a Juggas Undercover

But no I But that was like His mode back here But I think Going Bald Actually kind of Helped his career

A little bit In terms of like Getting rid of it And then he could play like More like kind of staunch authoritarian Type Because you can have it

Like Like he he has in this movie like oh it's already fucking rome is falling but that's the thing that's the thing that's why you can play scuzzy characters because scuzzy characters would have a roma's fallen but i refuse to give up the go situation sure and now that he shaved it all off and he's older now it's like yes i can play government agents now you can like just rub him down in some type of lube and he put his whole head in your body oh yeah dude you go right in there yeah all the way in yeah it's like George Costanza

dude with the housekeeper like I just want to rub my head and oil and rub it all over you now the proper way to dislocate your shoulder when you're going inside someone is to just lower it

really quickly and then twitch that's my question to the group here is his career kind of on the outs here is he just turned into a TV personality kind of that is it he's kind of a tragedy because he's a great actor the personality has kind of

overtaken it I think of him more as the guy telling me how to make a good drink than an actor. I think he's having fun with it and he's got all the extra virgin olive oil he'll ever need now. I guess also like, you know, the state of the movie industry now. What is he's going to act? He's already been in

Transformers. And he's in in Captain America too. See, that he's done. That's it. Those road to perdition. He is in Captain America. I forgot about that. He's a great to perdition. He's a great road to perdition. Yeah, a little hot pad. Yeah, I mean, that wrote to perdition. Ask your grandparents about that That is a geeseer, please.

I just mean it's like 20 years old. Oh, yes. But everybody liked that Stanley Tucci's searching for Italy show. Sure, and that's it. That is off the race. But it's fucked up, though, because like so many people loved that and then they canceled it. Oh, really? And that's what he's doing these fucking Instagram videos with Emily Blunt's sister that he's married to.

Oh, I didn't know. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's happened. Dora Blunt. For a second, I was like, what? She's smoking pot? man that so devil's where proud of really paid off for him on multiple

levels it sounded like that's right boy got a nice paycheck out of it got a nice memorable role and now he's he pulled to Darth Vader and went sister you know he's done it all man he's a widower is he now oh yeah that's why he's

great accomplishment I'm just saying like he's getting on in years he's a dude that looks really nice and I feel like we don't think of him as old as the ex. Oh, no, he's got to be kind of an elder statesman in his early 60s at this point. Look, I don't

mean to brag, but I'm, you know, a widower. Fuck, it works. It works. Oh, dude, right this way. I lost her at the mall, like crazy hearts. Yeah, I got really drunk and I lost my wife. That's more of a vanishing scenario. You can't get away with that shit. I was wasted at the mall. We were at the food, right?

And I'm like, look, you want anything from Golden Pit? Linda? Well, let go to Sabarros. And that's the last thing I ever said to it. Yeah, I'm a widower. That happened this morning. I got like 40 text messages I'm not looking at, but I'm a widower, I think. He keeps asking me to get in this grave. And I'm like, brother, I'm not getting in this grave before you tell me where she is. I want to know first. Which Sabaro is she said. Yeah, yeah, Tucci comes in. He's being gregarious. Cracking jokes. Like, like, oh, this guy's ass is hairier than yours or something. Yeah, he's like, oh, is he out? And then there's like, yeah, and he's like, oh, good, because his ass is hairier than yours, Johnson.

What a, what a piece of shit? He got a hot girlfriend or what? He's on the make in this movie, like a fucking great white shark. Picks her up like a blunt sister. Pump, pump, ass, indeed. Pump, pump ass. I wouldn't, I do, I kind of want, there's some. murders later on that I

kind of want a little more out of which we'll get to. Yeah. And I kind of feel like at certain times Tom Savini's sitting on his hands, but something about this guy cutting into this back, I was like, ooh, the master is here and it bothers me. Dude, this like, and I don't know

what it is, you know. It may surprise all of you in this room, but I am not a doctor. Really? I know. I told us to go to the physical last week. but there's like the brown yeah wax piece of paper it's just that's disgusting alone yeah dude and sovini didn't you have to do anything for that

yeah just the cutting into it well that's I mean one thing I love about Romero when he gets outside of the zombie is that he does take attention to those things he wants you to know like much like he really wants you to know what it's like to have to go through something like this and what's going to be happening to your body and what you're giving, what you essentially are, it's taken away from you, the power

of it. The struggle is real though, right? Because that's, not to get off on a Romero tangent, but I just got the second site 4K of Martin. And like the murders in Martin are fucking brutal. Yeah. Because it's like, it's a movie like pretty much aside from the fantasy sequences that he has, but like fuck does it. It gets brutal, man.

And it gets brutal here, but in different ways. So he cuts through the thing. It looks like you're cut into flawn and then blood comes out. And this is scary too because it's like this could happen to you. This could happen to you tomorrow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This will happen to you.

Eric, I'm going to ask you now, stop running with a backpack full of bricks every morning. Please. No. What I think is good about this movie is interesting is like for the most part where we're doing well. And we're being interesting to your point, Chris, about the realities of being quadriplegic. I like the process of seeing all this stuff and living with it because it's not that many movies

about quadriplegic. I think it's very, it goes above and beyond in a lot of ways. I think the sex scene I thought was incredibly well done. Actually erotic. Like, I mean, leave it to remember. He's just a great director, period. So like, but like things like that,

to me it is a little bit more about like the idea of like, when something like this happens and you give your body over entirely to a tech into technology like entire like you aren't trying to find a connection to humankind and you can only do it through a monkey essentially and like how that like how it comes into like how you feed an animal nature inside you I think there's a lot going on in the movie that is like thought

provoking which is why I don't mind so much that there isn't so many great kills yeah that's true um but there are some good kills. You know, Tucci does the surgery and you get the, uh, the Steven Zagal. He wakes up and he's got a beard in the hospital. And like, that's how you know he's been there a long time. So did Stanley Tucci like, let me take a look at this guy's girlfriend. Yeah, he's going to be a quadriplegic. We put him down for one for quadruplegia.

This other guy that came and yeah, he's fine. His, his girlfriend doesn't look that night. We tried. I think we tried hard enough. Didn't we? That's what this is, right? Well, yeah, we find out at the end of the movie that he missed something huge that he had this congenital thing that probably could have been fixed but his eyes were on the tattas man someone left a surgical glove in your back that's why that's the entire

problem so we cut to a little while later and our fella here is coming home and the mom Alan is his name Alan yes thank you Alan comes home and his fucking mother who I believe is

played by Joyce Van Patton is this like crazy overbearing like hey everybody Alan's home and you got the late's her problem she needs to get a life man that's what it is a life outside of her baby boy when she starts turning

like when she's mad about him finding a girl I'm like fuck you monkey get in here and kill her no mom just remember to keep a lot of things plugged in next to the bath before you go in there just before you think about anything and like Tucci shows up to the house

in this sexy sports car and he comes in and the mother's like oh this is a doctor John Weissman he saved Allen's life everybody's giving a round of applause except for Karen or whoever Linda Linda Miss Northern Exposure

who's upstairs like and you know immediately right Oh yeah oh She's kind of packing I'm gonna want that Yeah this is mine How are we gonna split up the sex toys I'm gonna need a lot of them

for Dr. Tuch. They sort of set it up nicely though without having to say anything because like when Tucci comes in the house like she's there and Tucci does like a say like watches her walk away and all that stuff.

Where did I put my Star Wars novels? Split over the minds eye. Thank you. Wow. Was that in the movie? No, no. I was thinking it was out. I'm being a jerk. Because I would have been out by then. Oh, you know what? I'm going to throw all these underwear away. I don't need them anymore since I'm dating Stanley. I'm getting

Dr. Dick. Now, would it be, is it better for that clean break or her hanging around and, and not eventually getting out? Right. Yeah. It's kind of like, I don't know. It's worse. It's not great to fuck someone's doctor, though.

That's true. It can't be a doctor fucker. You want the doctor to fuck? Well, it happens. I know, I know this happens all the time. And it's, you know, there's plenty of movies and TV shows where it's before. but it is always really funny to me when so this guy's a world-class runner, world-class athlete, and he's got a coach who looks like he only eats cigars and roast beef.

Yes. Like that's like, he's like, how you doing? I'm his running coach. I know everything there's ever been known about running. So many coaches are just giant fat fucking weird slops. Look at Bill Belichick. Yeah. Like just fucking human snots.

But it's so weird because we don't get like a real idea of whatever his goals are. You know, because like the mother immediately corners the Tuch and is like, so is he going to be able to finish his schooling? And Tucci's like, yeah, he can fucking still read. You know, we did save the brain. Turns out a monkey you have to read for me. He's a law student, which kind of comes to nothing. But there's a fun law school scene.

There is. Yeah. It's kind of hilarious. It'd be cool if he used his law power. is to, you know, leave the hospital? Right, yeah. Reconstitute his body through law.

Article 9 says this monkey's got to stop. Dude, yeah, it's just this like awesome law. It can be the drama. We could go comedy as well. It's a quadriplegic lawyer with a monkey. What's the title guys? We need to figure it out. What's a monkey?

What's a monkey pun law title? Well, hang on a second, though, because I think depending upon what the show is, is going to dictate the title. is it a comedy or is it a drama that's a good question I don't know I got nothing because I think like if it's a drama you got to go straight forward

just put it right out there it's just monkey law yeah it's just monkey law because if it was more of I mean it would be easier if he was like a salesman or something monkey business is right there and it's a beautiful title yeah that would be more expensive for sure it's kind of a wrench in the

wrenching the ears there or yeah or if he's partnered with Tarzan or something you'd be tires and attorney at law and he's like paralegal as a monkey. Oh, yeah, that'd be kind of funny. But then that's a comedy for sure. Yeah, and it's jungle law, so it's like very simple. It's like, yeah, we should kill this

guy. It's either eat him or don't eat him. Exactly. That's the law. That's the law of the jungle. See, parolegal primate, I don't know, we you know, we're thinking through. That's something, I don't know. Primate illegal? No.

Yeah, see, it's. Primate illegal. What is this? My searches? looking at all these monkeys. Primate plus illegal. What's some illegal? Actually, if they were in politics, again, like primates is good. Primates is good. Yeah, yeah. Law is a real problem.

All right. Well, we'll get back to. We'll shelve that. Just shout it out when it comes to you. Someone's yelling in their car. They got the greatest title ever. I'm sure they do. But yeah, so like, they're like, you know, he's going to come back.

I think this Linda's like, I want to break up with this guy, but I hope his breast his best friend shows up so at least there's some cushion. So she's calling up John Prack now? John Mancow. Pan cow. John Pancow playing Jeffrey in this movie.

We had some pan cow for the table, please thank you. Yeah, we put some panko coating over this before we Friday. Extra basil on the pankow. I need it. I love it. Sorry I couldn't come to the party. I was too busy torturing monkeys.

Ah, man. All day just torturing these monkeys. Oh, boy, just injections left and right, Paulie. I'm sorry. That's the University of Boston for you. Why does Helen not want to look at me? Why does she keep cursing my name? We meet him, though, before he arrives at the party.

He's at his lab and we, man, this is some Savini special effects, maybe, or just someone went to a fucking, you know, organ market or something. But his like, ah, he's like, oh, you're a monkey. here you go, just get ready for this. It's going to be great. A human brain. Yeah. And this brain just like flaps out of this Tupperware basically. We put it, we take it out of the little

container here. We put it in the Chinese leftover thing and we freeze it here real quick. Is human brain still good if I left it out overnight? Can we still have it? Is it like a stick of butter? Can I leave that out of the fridge? Technically, it's brain with a little black bean sauce. Okay, just a little bit. It's not so bad. But he freezes the brain and then he starts shaving it like he's in the fucking Goodfellow's prison with the garlic.

Absolutely, dude. That's how you get the best brain flavor for your monkey serum. And it's just so the serum is serum plus brain shavings equal genius. Of course. It is a hilariously quaint notion of like chemistry. It's like here's some rotten meat. Let's put that in the monkey. Now he's doing.

He's doing like a bunch of, yeah, double. or like a bubble bubble toilet trouble right everybody is anyone laughing oh it's just a room full of monkeys look this is better than my first idea was to shave this entire frozen brain put some syrup on it put it in a little cone and just stick it in the monkey's mouth you know what the monkey to eat it the climax they should he should have done it to all of them and the end he gets eaten by a ton of monkeys dude i thought that was going to happen at one point uh like a cage of monkeys just breaks open and they just rip them apart. Well, it does sort of happen, right? Because he

passes out like kind of the end of the movie. And all the monkeys unlock the cages. And then like when he wakes up, he's like, hey, we're all the monkeys. And like they're jumping on him. And I was like, oh, it's like when the fucking little, uh, the little tiny dinosaurs eat that dude.

Yeah. Dressor part. Dressing world there. Or a dresser. What the fuck? Lost world dress. He wakes up. He's got no clothes on and all the little monkeys are wearing his coat as like one. God. Yes. Oh, man.

And they're talking like Tony Randolph? Yes, we'll be leaving now, this university. And running it. And they put a hat on it. Sorry, Jeff. We have a birthday party to get to. Well, we're telling all our customers to put it into bananas and shotguns. Yes.

Yes. However, the one is like, oh, it's Jane Doe. I was like, oh, so she got, is he, because he puts it into Ella, the female monkey. And I'm like, oh, is it going to be a thing? where like the monkey gets the lady's memory and then maybe this monkey needs to solve a murder, her own. Oh, yes, dude.

This is monkey law right there. Oh, man, the fucking morose monkey murder mystery. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, Meg Ryan and flashbacks. She goes up to like Bill Pullman's in the movie for some reason. He puts her hand on it. His hand

and he's like, you know, my wife used to do that. What? Ariel. I thought the human lady's brain would make the monkey want to have sex with him. That's what I thought so, too. They do sort of get there at the end. They are in love. She's in love.

Like, help her monkey, jerk me off. Yeah, I mean, there is a two-day seminar about not doing that when you're going to tell. Well, here's, I think, what they build it and see, because, you know, the animals, man, you know, they can't talk and defend themselves. Sure. The trainers got to work in a failsafe for the monkey's benefit. Right. So it's like, by the way, person who needs a helper monkey, we know about human beings and how fucking disgusting you are. So we have this fail safe built into the training. If you try to get this monkey to touch your genitals, it will and rip it right on. We only employ ugly monkeys to make sure that nothing happens. And if you have four skin, my God, still. away from it. You're going to be circumcised by the end of it. They like to rip. You understand rip. Objection, Your Honor. She's been getting this little monkey, this little minks

of a monkey here has been getting injections of a human female's brain so it's not bestiality. Oh, I'm being gone. Got it. Yeah, that's some public execution shit, dude. I will say for all these scenes of like monkey like the monkey getting up to some dangerous

shit. And actually, I mean, it does kill a few people. Yeah. The That was not the moment where I was like, oh, God, this, this is a slaughter is about to happen. I thought that when poor fucking Alan, Begay's character, is sitting at home and his mother is showing him fucking videos of him running.

Yeah, here's all these whole movies of you using your legs. Fucking, I would, oh God, I would, every, I would kill her. It's time for Alan's legs, volume five. It's just home. movies. I'd be like, yo, mom, I literally you know, I can't, we haven't even fixed the TV yet where I can control it. Can we just watch fucking Cheers? Can we just, is it

1888, let's just put on cheers and shut the fuck up for a half hour. 1988? So we're in like Cheers season six. Rebecca may have come on at this point. Primo time to be a fan of cheers mom. So I, cousin Ira or Jeffrey comes late. He's like, hey, buddy,

how's it going? And you know, he commiserate with him. Like, you know, this is, uh, Linda left me and he's like, ah, you know, dude, it's kind of a great line because, like, you know, if she's going to leave you at this point, fuck her. And he goes, I can't. And it's like this. I mean, it's, you know, we're doing stuff here. It sets it up with like just that line and that's it. Like, everybody who's paying attention gets it. And you're also creating a situation where it's like later in the movie, this guy is fucking like a pro. So you know what I mean? He climbs the mountain. It's fantastic.

Yep. You know what? It's so weird. I mean, we're both in this such a, you're under all this stress. And I'm killing monkeys all day. And that's so stressful to me as well. It's just, we're both going through it right now. And it's good we have each other. I love, you know, he spends some time there. And then it's like, I got to get back to the lab.

And so he goes, and it's John Panko having to yell at all these like animal rights activists for vandalizing Stephen Roots office door, which is pretty great. You fucking murder around, you piece of shit. is I'm one of the ones that doesn't murder him, all right? I just inject him with a bunch of unknown chemical compounds. Technically speaking. Technically speaking. We just make shampoo here.

Oh, this is the lipstick factory. Yeah, we meet Stephen Root here. Hey, Dean Burbage. Yeah, Dean Burbage, who is like, why aren't you torturing these monkeys more? He's furious that there's not enough monkey torture going on on his watch. And, like, you have John Pankow being like, oh, yeah, like you, Stephen Root, where your fucking research is just various ways to skin a monkey, apparently.

Just torturing it. It looks like he is specifically into the study of torturing animals. Science, dude. That's what science is. That's what it all is. How long does it take for a mouse to drown? We'll find out today. That's the thing, dude.

It's all this bullshit like, well, I just wanted to see how many electrical votes this monkey could take up its ass before it's heart exploded. I guess that's what would be if I ever became a scientist because I remember being really lazy in the school. Oh. And I did for my big science fair project. Sink or float. So you're going to get a bunch of objects, you see. It's a new WHM game that we're going to play.

You're going to guess whether they're going to sink on their floor. You're like testing witches and Monty Python on the Holy Grail. And also, by the way, in your hypothesis, a little word of the wise of the kids are listening. I know. You want to throw a couple of your answers. I was surprised at that rock sank. I thought

for sure it was going to float. Teachers reading that note like dumbest kid in the school. Suddenly you're in the monkey cage. Surprisingly, the rock that's made out of foam did flow. You know, all these different worlds of wonder. What else

were you putting in there? Do you remember? The action figure, I believe, was definitely involved. Sure. There's nothing shit you had lying around the house. Fucking mystical voice. Is this VHS tape going to float? Sick or this empty jelly jar? Oh,

right to the bottom. I don't remember any like science project I've done. I think it maybe did like a diorama. Yeah. We did diaramas a lot. I remember doing one where like you throw the switch to start the electrical circuit. It's attached to a monkey's head. Oh, and then it was. It was attached right to monkey's eyeballs actually.

So he had a bunch of little fifth graders like, A plus torturing a monkey. That's what you like to see here. A plus Mr. Juppin and Dean. Chris did a lot of experimenting in the backyard, right? They're talking about squirrels and stuff, you know? I did. Torturing animals.

This is new. Oh, no, you're thinking of Ted Bundy. Oh, I think. Right. My better friend. But I talk with every day. I love you, Ted. So Stephen Root is like, you know, you got to produce something, blah, blah, blah,

our budget's going to get cut. He's like, yeah, you want me to produce. Okay, I'm going to start really fucking and injecting these monkeys. But he's only ejecting Ella because she's the smartest of the monkeys that he has. Look, look, okay, I'm not as evil as you, okay? I don't go on the talk shows. Yes. Apparently, Stephen Rue is being brought out on like Sally, Jesse Raphael to tell them all about the good side of decapitating monkeys for profit.

Dude, this is what daytime television was like. Before we had the fucking abhorrent 24-hour news cycle, you just had to put idiots on talk shows at 4 o'clock in the afternoon that do research on monkeys. And that's why those shows were so weird because it's like one week. It's, yeah, the monkey decapitator. And let's get audience feedback from that guy. Or then it's like, you know, the next week, who's the father? And I mean, it would demoralize all animal rights people if you had Stephen Rood out there being like, it's fine. What do you mean?

Like, yeah, we, no, I drank a pine and monkey blood the other day. I'm fine. Doesn't even matter. Well, it was a big controversy when Stephen Root's character was on that episode of Sally Jesse because Sally Jesse was like, hey, what is the point of your science experiments and he could not answer? That's not fair.

Vampires drink human blood. I'm just drinking monkey blood. And I only agreed to be on this show if you would bring out my throne of bones. I brought it in the car. Now you won't bring it out to the set. He couldn't give you an answer, man. It's like asking a conservative what they think woke means. Now listen. We're

She was stressed out, dude. That's fucked up to bring that up. It is so fucked up. Oh, what a hard line. Oh, no. How dare you ask someone what the book is about? I forgot how to articulate my racism correctly. It's humiliating that she got humiliated.

So fucked up to fuck that out. Oh, my God. It's the worst thing that ever fucking happened. I'll be laughing out of the way to the bank, Steve. The fuck you bank. That's another show. We just kind of figure out this monkey law show. All right, wait, how about this?

Yeah. What if it's like... You want the bank to fuck her? Oh, the bank's going to fuck her. And him and her and you and me. Oh, I got fucked. What if it's like, um, like, all right, uh, all right. Captain bananas, ape attorney at law.

All right, now we're getting close. Yeah. Okay. Uh, but now I want to know more about his military experience or whatever. No, dude, it's just, it's a name from when he was a circus performer. No military experience at all. His first name is captain. This is confusing.

right. He comes from the family bananas. So I think if it's not so much a pun, but just really stupid. Yeah, I like that. How about the the chimpree Chimprime court? Oh, the chimprime court?

Yeah. So I'm trying to figure, yeah. You could buy them off with a bunch of bananas, dude. There's nine chimps. Yeah, I like that. Banana bailiff. And he's close. Banana bailiff. I like this. Yeah. That makes

more sense. The bailiff would just be a Instead of a gun, he's got a banana. In the future, there was a great bailiff shortage, and we had to use monkeys. This is banana bailiff. Dong, dong. There's a montage here of Allen getting used to all his like assisted living devices and whatnot. He also has a nurse, by the way, played by George Romero's wife at the time. I just thought of one.

Law and odor. Law and order is pretty good. Law and odor, yeah, because he stinks. He stinks. Ring her name. But Christine Forrest is the actress. She pops up in a ton of Romero movies. And she plays Marianne.

This like kind of surly nurse that's got a parakeet. And these, all right, first, all right. Is that shit I smell or is that just my lawyer? That's the whole show. That's the title. So now we're on HBO. Now we're just boxing ourselves and do a premium channel. It's a Fiona Apple album title.

but yes she's like this nasty nurse who's just like this fucking home health care people man like I know a lot of them aren't paid well and it's a very stressful job but this lady is like the fucking great representation of like the shittier side of this stuff call your mom and be like lady because the mom leaves

you know uh well actually the mom we'll say when the mom leaves because it's right after an important part there's a few things happen I mean, the thing with, I kind of think, because like, honest to God, if you had taken this job. Yeah. And you were like, okay, he's got this robot thing that he just talks to. Yeah. You got to take care of all the other stuff.

Now there's a monkey. And you're going to have to deal with the monkey. And all what happens with the monkey is kind of under your purview. No, we won't be looking at your contract again. We won't be doing that. You absolutely will not be doing that. I kind of think, like, what is interesting about this movie is that like, I think they are like, She's pissed for a good reason.

Yeah, adding a monkey at the last second is a big deal. Yeah, you know what? I'm not saying you're wrong, but I will also helpfully throw out that this character is a piece of shit before the monkey comes on the store. She's very surly. Because here's the thing. Fuck you, lady.

How about don't bring your bird into a house that's not yours? What is this shit? You got to wonder if that was the mother doing the fucking negotiations. And she's like, it's just a little bird. What's the problem with the chittering bird that will keep you up all night long? You know, it's Pittsburgh. You got to be like, hey, mom, I'm not, thank you so much for getting me a home help aide.

You know, I'm going to need it, obviously, someone else. How about someone that doesn't have the bird? It's a pit. It's Pittsburgh. Put the fucking bird on a bun with French fries on top of it and fucking eat the damn thing. Man, you know, this just reminds me. When I was a kid, I had a parakeet and I got into a fight with another bird. There was like two parakeets or whatever.

In the house. Yeah. And the other bird ripped its bill off. Oh, Jesus. And we had to feed it with like a little dropper until it died. Good God. You just recall that up in the middle of the night sometimes. Yeah.

My life is a horror. Yeah. No, that last, I don't know. Didn't last that long. Maybe two weeks. That's brutal, man. Pretty bad. That's brutal.

That's like, you got to end that thing's life. Yeah, yeah. A beckless bird. I, and then as a little kid, I buried it and I didn't bury it deep enough. And then I'm walking around the other day and I see all the feathers on the ground.

Some animal ate it. Oh, man. It's just multiple. It's multiple things happening to that poor thing. Look, you see, in situations like that, it would be more, I mean, if you really love the thing, you should have a monkey strangle it to death. Just to put it out of it. That's a better way to die than how that one win. Get a capuchin monkey to strangle it in the night.

Then the animals that ate that parakeet stepped on a landmine. went all the way up into an airplane and they went Papsmere exactly but for a moment it

you know that yeah that animal had a parakeet's mind yeah yeah oh of course yeah you eat the brain

that's what happens that's what happens that makes that right yeah he took the the bird's essence so so cousin Ira

comes over again one day he's checking on and I'm like hey all you around. Well, I'm just going to grab a beer. What's that? You're committing suicide in front of me. Dude, this is, again, just the ways in which Romero decides to show things that we've seen multiple different ways in movies and making it feel like, oh, that's new. Like, and thinking about

what this dude, it's sort of weird to think, but like, how do I make this suicide attempt look interesting in a movie? And it's like, here's this guy's in a wheelchair. How would he do it? Oh, he'll back up into some dry cleaning that's hanging on the door and stick his head under the fucking dry cleaning plastic and try to smother himself. Woof, that is unsettling, man. And you know, totally objective

doctor here, Mr. fucking your ex-girlfriend, by the way, I think you need to recuse yourself going forward. It's actually doctor-fucking your ex-girlfriend, not Mr. fucking your ex-girlfriend. He's putting like air tubes up his nose. He's like, I know that's smell. Hey, you know my girlfriend? What's that? I know that smell. I know that smell. I didn't go to

eight years of medical school and then spend all them weeks trying to fuck your wife away from you for you to not call me doctor. I'm fucking your wife. He is just like, oh, hey, yeah, the mom, you should just go home. Six out of ten quadriplegic. Try to kill themselves at some point. Don't worry about it. And here's your bill for a million dollars. Yeah, totally. Right? He would be. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's out on his house. I mean, he's lucky his friends are giving him a monkey, you know? Oh, law school debt and that. Yeah, sounds great. I guess the mom was going to be into the suicide. His mom's kind of sort of loaded is the idea. I mean, also, this house is enormous. First of all, you also want a ranch situation.

There seems to be a lot of stairs at this place. We never see him getting up and down the stairs, but on whatever that. happens in the movie. Guys, bigger monkey to carrying you up those stairs, tucking you in at night. Uh, Pickles, I'm ready for bed. Lift us up where we belong. I know it's dangerous, but doesn't that sound amazing to

be in a big ape's arms? Where the eagles fly. Tell the boss, I'm going to the back seat of my car with my ape and I won't be back for 10 minutes. Up, and he goadsied me. And whoops, my asshole fell out of the body. I'm done. I'm dead.

It's your classic, dude, coming this fall home help ape. Oh, totally, dude. Yeah. Get on the twisted world of monkey medical professionals. Oh, well, actually, oh, Coco just crushed my arm. But I can't feel it. Oh, wait, there's a internal bleeding. I'm dying.

Okay, that's okay. Got it. So I guess that's why we don't use gorillas. In the UK, you might get some like the banana barrister. Ooh, banana barrister. But that's UK. I need you I need U.S. market.

No, but dude, just can we all just wait, just picture that cover for a second. All right, it's a monkey, right? Chimper and April, whatever you want. Oh, he's got the wig. He's got the stupid wig. He's got the black judge of the jungle.

Judge of the jungle. Yeah. I'm liking this. I'm liking that's a lot. That definitely works. But then it, well, I guess it's the asphalt jungle, because now he's proceeding over at a major city's law system. Yeah.

Concrete jungle, as I would say. Concreate jungle. That's how you could do it. I love, I think this is the only time in Romero's filmography at all, where there is a socially awkward asshole

clencher moment to the degree that there is in this scene, in this movie, John Pankow's fucking asking the tuch, like, a you know, about what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's got his back to the door and then in comes Linda. Yes. Like, are we ready to go, baby?

Blah, blah, blah. And then the pancow turns around in Caesar and it's like, fuck you. And he drops a C word, dude. Well, yeah, dude, I wasn't going to bring that up here, Steve. I just wanted to, you know, for accuracy saying, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying that's what he does. It's an older boy said it. It's a pretty great delivery.

It's got some zip to it, that's for sure. Yes, he was waiting for it. And so, like, this is when he realizes that he needs some verve in his life. So Pankout goes to this monkey ranch. The monkey farm. He goes to a monkey farm. Oh, my God. Should we start a monkey farm?

Oh, I think. You just need, like, one as a seed and then you grow the rest of them. Oh, this is long term you're thinking here, huh? Yeah. A crop of monkeys we had this spring. Listen, we pool our resources, we buy a monkey farm, you know, or like a patch of land, we train chimps on. And, dude, how about this? We bought a monkey farm.

Yeah. Then 10 years from now, Matt Damon could collectively play all of us as one character in the film adaptation. We bought a monkey farm. Or, I mean, this is a good third act of our career here, you know, like an Andrew Tate where you go to, like, Russia and start doing human trafficking or whatever. Right. No, this is like, oh, those we hit movies. They did a monkey farm Then we go on trial for like animal misuse or whatever

It's a huge thing But then it turns out Our fucking reputations are totally clear Dude all the allegations were bunk And we use the settlement money Yeah To then open finally the We Hate Movies themed bar And monkey servers

Well this I like that Because Hollywood does need a happy ending So I'm glad you were there for it It's always dude yeah There's like a bunch of little monkeys And red coats bringing you martini He's just going to say to the judge, you know, the monkeys were run over when I got here. Yes, yes, there was an article written about the W.H.M. Monkey farm called Monkey Holocaust.

But it doesn't really matter. I think there's a lot of ways to say that. How do you live with you? I didn't know they need blankets. They got all that fur. What's a monkey need a blanket? So four of them froze to death. I'm sorry. Your honor, do you have any idea how much these foxes are. Do you have any concept? Sometimes we just had to go to the McDonald's and the monkeys ate off the value meal, all right? I mean, just pictures of walking up and down the aisles

with a cattle prod. Yeah, definitely. There's plenty of nutritious stuff in garbage. And then you sell them to interested parties. Oh, definitely. Yeah, dude, so it's like, no question. It's like a 360 viewing room totally dark. And then like a monkey comes out on the platform

and it's like, number 14. Bye. By her. Exactly. I'm telling you, man, this is, this is a great third act. We're going to go to jail no matter what.

It'd be cool for monkey. But, you know, the South has, like, you can do, like, private zoos, like that Joe Exotic stuff. It's true. Yeah.

You didn't get in trouble for the zooing. You got in trouble for the hitmaning. Yeah. We can do it, Chris. I think he could. Well, here's how you get us cleared of all charges. Your honor.

Those monkeys had to die. because we had it on good authority. We were preventing the planet of the apes from happening. Yes. So you're welcome. We saved humanity. We trained one of them with brain shavings to become the judge of the jungle. We got a man on the inside.

Yeah, your honor. Your honor, we were trying to make the monkey smarter, okay? It's all okay. Don't worry about it. If we hated monkeys so much, why would we have a monkey lawyer? Exactly.

Mr. Mitten's, proceed. Uh, excuse me your honor all those brain shaming I can't talk obviously like Tony Randall

so Pat Cow's like he needs something and he also I think he's realizing that you know Burbage Steven Roots

get a little too close he's like if I could just give this monkey to my friend I can still like test it but then like you know

Stephen Root can't get the credit kind of a deal yes Stephen if a accident of this ever sort ever happens to me do not get

me a surprise monkey. This is just going to be me saying this. I don't know how the other guys feel about this. I don't really want a surprise monkey if I'm dealing with that kind of thing. A 10. Surprise gifted pet is a bad idea. Probably not good idea. You want to at least have that like kind of like

if you're in a relationship, you're like, so you like dogs? Oh, I always wanted a dog, but I just couldn't afford it. Then you might buy your fiancee a dog or something. But even still, like it's a huge commitment. It is. Here's the thing, like a dog or a cat. You know, you see the, we saw it a lot with the fucking panty.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I just got this dog. And now I'm a huge piece of shit. I'm going to leave it the fucking road. Because my life's back on track. Yes. Like those fucking pig people. That's why you don't get a gift.

Yeah. It's why you don't get a gift. But I think what's even worse is a sorry you got paralyzed monkey. Yeah. Like that's real bad. Sure. But the monkeys help. You want the monkey to help.

To take Eric's joke. Yes. Yes. No, I mean, you know, having someone to, you know, use the remote control, shove hot dogs in my mouth because of the monkey does two things it helps me watch wrestling it gives me hot dogs

wow my life is unchanged I think I also love the details so you get some of the monkey like the ladies like Melanie who becomes a romantic interest is like oh you know I could if you supply the monkey

then it'll be okay I got the perfect monkey no questions that she's not she doesn't even ask for document That's a real problem, dude. If you are like, oh, well, geez, you know, all these monkeys are spoken for. Yeah, we got all these monkeys, but like, it's a long waiting list. These people are waiting for these monkeys. And the dude asking for your services in monkey training says to you, oh, don't worry, I can get you a monkey. No questions asked. I don't know, Melanie, the monkey trainer, maybe you turn this guy. I want a pig slip on the monkey. I want to know. I want some registration.

Yeah, the Carfax type of thing. Let me know, like, previous owners. How many miles did they put on this piece. He's kind of shaking. He's unshaven. This guy looks unstable to begin with. The best part about this whole scenario. So he gives him, he gives, it's Ella,

the one that he's been giving all these injections to. Yes. But he tells Stephen Rood or he later, it's revealed that that monkey was pronounced dead of an overdose. So the monkey had a rock and roll suicide scenario.

He did, dude. That's one way to fake your death, man. The one monkey's, he goes a whiskey bottle at it. You know what I mean? Oh shit, give me my little, little, little black medical book. It's actually really easy to hit the heart here. I know, he just tried it once after the sex tape of him and his girlfriend got out.

And he just, you know, he just wanted to see what it was like. Once they aired it on Animal Planet, it was over for him. Better than sex, he said. Better than sex. And look at this. He didn't even know the camera was on. oh he's just going at it isn't he damn the monkey is orgasmed for now

but so he gives it the monkey and now Melanie shows up and like at first he's like oh I don't want a monkey he's like say this monkey's pretty sharp and like you know he starts to bond with the monkeys it's a cute little capuchin monkey obviously

I mean these things they're impossible it's a monkey star if you ask me this monkey's doing some fantastic acting in this and you know I looked at up this monkey, this movie, and then like some short in the early 90s, that was it. Yeah. No career. You know, he's probably got, you know, roughed up on the set.

Oh, yeah. Mike probably couldn't continue. See, I see this on Mike drop. You fucking, you start with Begay once. You do the big thing. You go out there with Romero. You know, never come back. You just do it.

No, you know what happened? Because Jason Begay, as we know, famously is anti-Scientology. It was part of it for a while. I got in too deep and blah, blah, blah. He started taking that monkey to some sashes, some odd of that monkey got audited. Now that David Viscavich put a hot hit out on that monkey. Dude, so the monkey's hanging out with his wife, you're saying.

Yes, exactly. An alien hell or whatever they believe. Now monkey, I want you to walk to the window and then back to the wall. And then back to the window and then back to the wall. All right. Bobo, I want you to hold on to these two metal cups. Ooh, you see that line moving, Bobo? That means you're very upset.

That means you're very upset. Bobo. Bobo. Why are you looking to me like that? Bobo, no! You know, that's what we need to do

is just like dump a barrel of monkeys on the Scientologists. Oh, that's a literal barrel of monkeys. I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet you they would find the wife, Miss Cavage. I think they could get to the bottom of the monkey senses of smell. Yeah, they just get some scraps.

They love digging for bones and shit. Yeah. Some rags. Oh, oh, a fellow monkey. I was looking for some bones to throw up in the air and hit other bones with, and I think I dug up Shelly Miscavage. It's right here. Name tag, Shelly Misc baggage.

Wouldn't you believe it? Monkeys find Scientology mass grave. It's out there, man. It sure is. They're fast friends. Marianne, the nurse, does not like the monkey. She's like the monkey or me. I agree.

I agree, Chris, yeah, if I went to work tomorrow, like, all right, Steve, your new cube made is this, is Mr. Pickles over here. I might want to ask for a transfer. Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't wear a diaper. He, it humiliates him. So he's just

going to be shitting everywhere. So just be ready for that. You know, they do make an effort to show you, at least in the laboratory, those monkeys are all wearing diapers. And I appreciate it. Sure. For sure. But the Melanie is, she says to the She's like, well, yeah, he's

mostly house trained and he'll either go in his crate or, you know, use the toilet. He's been trained to use the toilet. She's a beautiful lady. Oh, you're right. Pardon me. This sharp-tooth, sexy simian villa. And she goes, oh, but she's like,

well, you might step in something every once in a while. I mean, I guess like having any pet, you know. Well, if she's owning up to one, you know, going to happen 17 times like but now now you got sexy Melanie here like oh let me help you show you how to use this monkey and he's like say wait a second yeah yeah yeah totally dude I mean and frankly she's bigger than this old lady so like she could help you know getting him in the

tub and what not much easier than this old broad you know sure sure I will say that one would be the toughest the big bathing yeah apparatus that that that seems like a while It's a tough one. She could help him spank the monkey when it's been bad or happy, depending on which monkey we're talking about. But he's...

Flap the old orangutan. The monkey puts on a romantic tape, but he's like, oh, isn't that cute? I like that... And this doesn't come to anything in the rest of the movie, which is disappointing, but this monkey is trained to go after shit

if you point a laser at it. Yes. So, like, he drops, like, his straw and they point the laser, out of the monkey picks it up. Oh, you should have pointed a laser at the street. And then the monkey gets hit by a truck. I think it's buried in the pet cemetery?

No, no. Gets back surgery. Oh, nice. Oh, I see. Now it's very meta. And now the monkeys laid up and an even smaller ape. Like a babu frick size ape is helping him. To help him. Yeah, there's got to be

smaller ones too. Or we can, we just breed them on our monkey farm. Right? Yes. You can make, like, there was one dog at one point, right? And we've read it to be all these different weird little ones. Sure. We could make fucking weird little horror. Oh, yeah. You want to be, you want to add crimes against humanity to the list, right? That's what you want. Your dog breeding is the same thing. I mean, Eric, you were just a master world builder listening to this. Well, like you collect a bunch of

monkeys that are smaller than average for their build. Yeah. And you force them to interbreed until you get the smallest monkey possible. There's a value to that. Or if we could figure out the technology. you skip a couple of steps and you mate a monkey with a mouse. You got a mouse monkey. And the mouse monkey can take care of the monkey monkey, you know what I mean? All these different creatures clearly are going to ask you to kill them. Yes. Very loud. In perfect

English before you. You know, it's like a little Russian doll set of fucked up island of Dr. Moro. We'll also go bigger too. You know, we'll have like fuck a bear. Gorilla and elephant. Oh my God. If you think you can handle that, I would love to see it. I'd like to see that on my desk on Monday morning. Just a little outline of gorilla plus elephant.

Either way you're dealing with a huge penis. With the actual resources breed monkeys to be smaller potentially. You know, I'm not necessarily interspecial, not exactly, you know, making. I think you should take this pitch to the RNC, Eric. I think you got some backers out there. There's a, there's a great bit where he's, he's just fucking going back and forth with this lady.

the nurse here and he's like oh he gets oh that's what it is she's showing him how to use like an eating apparatus and she's like oh what did you think of it and he's like oh delicious it's way better than the food I get from nurse

ratchet yeah and then like the monkey does something and he gets a little treat and she's like where's my reward or something like that and he's like yeah you know what you're going to be rewarded in heaven when you're fucking dead lady I would just love if he says

fucking Dr. Ratchett just like off screen here like, have you seen that movie? You know what she does? It's like not even kind of comparable. You're not like, it's really ridiculous. I mean like yeah, she's a little moody but like not telling Brady Durr to kill himself, is he? That's another good point is like

little kindness goes a long way, you know? For everybody because he starts treating her like shit because now he's like monkey crazy. Oh, Ella did such a great job. This place is a fucking. pigs thy marianne well i believe also that's to do with like the monkeys animal nature is crossing into him and we do get this telepathy business this is the shining right yes i think this is the the monkey shining yeah she's shining into him yeah wouldn't that be crazy if you just like

look at a monkey it's not saying anything it's like oook oak it's in your mind yeah oh shit i heard that I heard that monkey ooking, but he didn't move his mouth. Actually, if you go back very slowly and you watch the shining again, you'll notice that he says, you've got that monkey shine, boy. It's very quick. I mean, I understand there's lots of different competing theories of the shining, but maybe the monkeys are involved. Could be.

I think that's in that Rodney Asher documentary. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Two, seven, a very good movie. Play it backwards. There's a monkey in there. Just keep your eyes to it. Monkey in the ballroom.

I'm a sucker for any time a Capuchin monkey or any kind of monkey or any creature, a beast if you will gives a human being a hug and that's what happens right. He gets a little hug and he's like, I'm going back to school. He makes this declaration but first, before he can

go back to school, this monkey is going to watch this lady shave this man. And this is like, you start seeing it like the shots of this monkey looking at the straight razor. She accidentally cuts him a little bit and this monkey He's looking at that blood.

Well, because it's this thing where, like, you know, he's trying to get rid of his depression beard. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's enough is enough for the depression beard. Let's shave it the most dangerous way possible. And he's sort of like feeling out this Melanie character. Like, oh, he's feeling it. Well, he wants to feel it, dude.

And that's why he's like, hey, so now that my monkey training is over, I hope you're not going to be coming by any less. Yeah. She's like, not if you don't want me to come by any less. These two. They go fishing for a second there. That's fun. Erotic fishing. It's the weird erotic fishing slash picnic combo.

Yeah. And I was like so in the basket is there just like crackers and some cheese and then you're going to clean that fish and eat it as part of the picnic? I know, I think it's sort of like, oh, we got a great fish. Maybe we'll cook it later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, sure. And that's fine.

That's just, that's literally going fishing. I've just never seen someone bring a picnic back on a picnic. picnic basket on a fishing trip. Yeah, it's fair. That's all. Well, if you get like a campfire, you can fry it or something. I don't know. It's possible. It's just a lot of work. And the monkey's probably pissed. She's not involved. Yeah. Oh, man. I'll fucking fry a monkey, a little butter. No, teach a monkey to fish. Dude, it'll eat for days. Teach a legion of monkeys to fish. And then we would be millionaires.

Because we'd have all that fish to sell. A fishing empire. When we have our monkey farm and eventually. one to two to five to twelve monkeys die. Wait, 12 monkeys. I mean, we'll just see how it comes. At least. You cut up one of those monkeys, you get some fish,

you get some rice, you get some monkey paella going. I would definitely more than likely eat monkey paella. Yeah, yeah. Primaya? Yes, exactamundo. A lot of onions and peppers in there. Yeah, you're going to have a good time.

Now what a saffron, of course. Yeah, of course. Well, speaking of saffron, make a little like monkey sausage out of it, you think of that and then do it. And then you could cut that monkey sausage up and put it on pizza and have yourself monkey pizza. Yes, there's a monkey

pizza pizza t-shirt we've been selling for years. I don't remember why. It's on our merch site on Tea Public. And I think the monkey on that doing the chef's kiss thing kind of looks like a Capuchin. It does. It's a perfect time to revisit our merch store. It is. It always is.

Now he goes to law school and like, you know, everyone's, I was I was actually afraid. I was like, are people going to start making fun of this, dude? Is that where this movie is going? Sure. Because it's George Romero and it's a much more realistic. I was like, hey, it's he's back.

It's amazing. Alan's back. There's a great shot of him going through campus with friends and everything. Yes. But then you have this classroom scene. And it's like the monkey is there to turn the pages in the book for him is the idea. And the professor's like, oh, who can answer this question? and it's this awkward moment, of course,

where everyone is raising their hand to participate and here's our guy, can't do it. And the monkey raises the monkey's hand and everyone starts laughing. I'm sorry, is that monkey enrolled here? Monkey, there's no auditing my class, monkey. Report to the registrar's office. Give me the money first.

You can't learn before I get the money. money monkey money money money money money and he works on Wall Street yes exactly he's like a money monkey he's like a Jim money monkey he's like a Jim Kramer kind of a talk show

he'd probably be more accurate with his fucking Wall Street predictions than Jim Kramer bananas folks but all into bananas so you know yeah it's this cute thing where the monkey raises

its hand and the the professor's like oh my word Does the monkey know the answer? Or do you, sir? And Alan, he knows the answer. And this is what's fucked up, though. He answers.

And like, hey, man, it just shows that he's paying attention. He did the reading, didn't get caught with his pants down here. He's just a student doing what a student should do. And this fucking lecture hall erupts in applause when this dude answers correctly. And I was like, like, what is this? What is this round of applause? I want an Academy Award. It's great student.

He did some great studenting. Also, I think part, I mean, I understand he did the end, but the applause is for the monkey. Yeah, I think you're right. The applause is for the monkey. It was the one two punch. The monkey raised his hand. Oh, so they were applauding for the

academic alley-oop, if you were. Yes, exactly. They've clearly merged into one being of some sort, at least on the brain level. So, like, yeah, you got to give it up for that. Meanwhile, like, John Pankow's kind of like losing it here. You know,

he's just kind of slowly going nuts. I feel like there's some sort of underdeveloped something or other year where like you need to know that he's actually been injecting this stuff for way longer than you actually see him do it in the movie because he's also like he's very like pale and gone through this movie. Actually at the beginning I was like is the actor himself just stoned right now because he really looks strong now. It's a one scene thing in the beginning he's like eh who needs sleep and he injects himself like some pink crap and then it's like. And then he even says to Alan later, he's like, Alan's like, you're doing it again, aren't you? It's like, yeah, you know, I figure if I don't sleep three days, one day a week or whatever,

every third day I don't sleep. Yes, I live another second 10 years or whatever. Alan, I'm not like you. I can't live without the pink stuff. Okay? I need pink stuff every day. I wake up, I'm thinking pink stuff. Yeah, all right.

Or the bed thinking pink stuff. Sure, Alan. You wake up every morning thinking about Sunny D. I'm just thinking about the pink stuff pink stuff all the time Alan that's all I can think about I think we probably lost a couple of Stephen Root scenes on

the cutting room floor there seems to be more going on with that whole thing he disappears he goes one see it's one big scene and that's well no the torture you go back to the lab to see the mouse and the fish tank which is fucking horrible

but like I need this monkey to fucking you know put that dude in the ground too I was waiting for it You don't see that? That would be great. Right? That would be so satisfying. It feels like narratively you should.

I think the problem is you're already backing up against you almost already have a two-hour movie. You need to. But you know what? If it's like monkeys first test at setting someone on fire with Stephen Root, I'm willing to go for full two hours. Sure. Two hours, five minutes even. You do get some sort of Stephen Root nefarious shenanigans here because there's this neat scene where like he's showing Jeffrey here. Alan is showing Jeffrey how the monkey

can dial the phone with these cards that you put in. Oh, yes, it's yes. And it's like, oh, monkey dial Jeffrey. And it's, they get freaked out. There's a monkey, you know, she's like looking at him. Yeah. So Alan, you know, starts to guess. He's like, hey, I don't, I don't think she's going to dial the number because she knows that you're here. Yeah. And not going to pick up the phone. Why don't you go outside, goes outside monkey dials. And then what happens is Stephen Root picks up the phone in John Pankow's office and it's like

what the fuck are you doing in my lab blah blah blah you know What is this this is also a run where the Erie I forget what brings it on I think Pankow's giving a shot to the monkey Yes yes just the chopping thing Yeah that's that's what you're totally right

That's very here he's like he's like Hey he calls Alan Ace He's like hey ace I'm gonna take your monkey in the kitchen and it's going to help me get a beer and then he yeah he gives it another shot the monkey starts fucking freaking out and like this is great

work here from from Allen Mr. Begay like he's just screaming like what's going on and that like really fucking losing it and the monkey grabs this meat tenderizer off the kitchen counter and starts slamming it down on this counter and like

oh right there dude I was like you're going to get your little fingies chopped oh fuck and yeah I mean, Bicay is really good this movie as, as Alan. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good job.

So, you know, we do, we do get that quick lab scene with Stephen Root where he's like, look, the people now with the money, they want to see some results here. He says whilst drowning a mouse, like, you got to get serious here, pal. Yep. Why don't you?

We need results. Yeah, I mean, the mouse drowning is great. Why don't you come next door with me? I'm slowly burning a horse to death. Just a little bit. Every day. Just throwing a little gasoline, starting to fire, putting it out. I'm calling it slow glue. Oh, hey, hey, Jeffrey. Why don't you come over the big annex lab that we have across campus?

You know what we're doing in there? Yeah, I'm dipping an elephant in acid. Very slowly just lowering it into acid. See what happens there. That's real science. Yeah, that's what the money comes from. Got the idea when Thomas Edison lit up that elephant, electrocuted it. The noises it makes are so robust. you just wouldn't believe it but yeah the pressure is on essentially pressure's on and so like at the same time the H's oh at home too

because his whole relationship with his nurse is really starting to boil over and this is where he starts speaking in like we are disappointed that you're not doing this we think you're failing at this and she's like what we what are you talking about he's like me and Ella you fucking piece of shit

this is when that monkey man that bird goes after his eyeball And it's like, holy shit, this movie's wild. Yes. And it's all Jason Begay. Just like, oh, yeah, cool, George Romero. Just like, have that bird peck at my face. I'd be losing it.

I'd be losing my fucking mind, dude. No way. Just like Jason Alexander with the monkey last week. A bird on my fucking island? No. Would you rather have a monkey bite you in the face or a bird pack you? Oh, bird pack me. Oh, bird, of course.

All right. Would you differ on that? No, no. I'm just gathering intel. Oh, I see. I got it. Part of the thesis, I understand. He's got science going.

He's a science guy now. I decided. I decided on this show, this episode. And this nurse gives it back to him. She's got a great deliveryer. She goes, uh, she's just a dirty, filthy sneaky little beast. Like, they both get so fucking evil voiced in the scene.

It's kind of great. Well, like, and you would have to, if you're this nurse, I'm sorry. You are going to bed like, well, my bird's dead. Yes. My bird. Either Begay is going to eat it or it is going to get strangled by a monkey. Well, here's the thing, dude, either the bird's dead or I, the nurse him dead.

Because what else happens when the fucking bird is on his face, he's like, get the fucking bird on my face. And then she tries to get the bird off. She knocks him out the bed. It's like fucking cliffhanger. Yeah. He's hanging off this and he's freaking the fuck out. And she pulls him back into the bed and it's just like, you fell out of your own bed, you ass. Hall, like, no, Marian,

that one was on you, dude, because that gnarly bird is in this house. Well, that bird just gets, like, fucking cranked by this monkey. It was a good moment. I like the touch of putting in the slipper. Yeah. It's nice to fuck you. Get fucked, you old crows. Why don't you step on this, you piece?

I meditated. Could have swore. I mean, I've only seen this one once, but you give me a pamphlet. I'm like, he's going to kill, the monkey's going to kill the nurse. But the monkey, she just kind of just quits. I she doesn't know what millennial is called quiet quitting

I actually misremembered this movie a little bit had been I think like college since I'd seen it and I was like can't wait for this lady to get it now yeah she just so unfortunately that that does not happen the mother comes back which is like oh fuck you know that's the thing is I would so much rather deal with a nurse

even if she's nasty than like have my mom in the scenario oh yeah oh 100% no I love my mother but I don't need to be pushing 40 and having her wash my balls You see, I think it's, Romero has a lot of respect for medical workers who aren't boning your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. I think he has a lot of respect for them. There's a great editing freak out with this whole bird thing because you see, uh, the monkey like getting up to the cage and pulling the thing off or whatever. Uh, and then it cuts to the next morning with garbage men. Yeah. Jumping this trash into the, the, the garbage truck. And I was like, oh, that's kind of clever. And then it's like getting dumped up.

no, kind of a fake out. It is in the slipper, which is fun. I was got to wait for us the parakeet to be on top as the crusher starts, like, moving down. That's what we're going to get, right? Jerry, another bird got thrown out. They play the song from Goodfellas, like the monkeys rolling in the garbage.

The piano starts going. That'd be great. I'm fucking your wife, George Harrison. I'm fucking your wife. he so like she kind of quits the mother comes back he's really not happy about it obviously um like when she moves in this is where we start getting he starts experiencing like monkey pov yes yeah man yes i would love that multiple monkey pov scenes in this not just you're not just getting those uh the telepathy ones yeah it's even when he's going around the house

you're getting seen. Is that, is that your search history? Monkey P-O-V? Monkey P-O-V. Yeah, yeah. You're just a monkey. You filthy monkey. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, my God. Just some lady telling me I'm a monkey. It's like the cameras are running around the ground.

Oh, my God. Getting close. The new porn site primated. Yes. La Clasa. La Classo to beistiality. Not exactly it. He, but, but, you know,

you know, Alan realizes, like, oh, the monkey must be getting out. He asks Jeffrey to check it out. Jeffrey realizes the monkey's getting out, but he's still crooked. So he's like, no, no way the monkey could ever get out of this house. Dude, and this, I almost threw up right here at that part because he's like, I think he's getting out through the attic because he's always coming back wet or like whatever. So Pankow's up there and he just discovers just like this pile of piss and shit. And I was like, only because, I mean, looking at it is gross.

pretty wet. But this character just swipes his foot across this fucking minefield of monkey turns to get closer to the window and I was like, why? Why did you step in this? Walk around it. Jeffrey, why did you

step in shit? Why are you tracking shit down my carpet now, motherfucker? Yeah, exactly. Oh, your fucking shoe smells like piss and shit now, man. Well, don't worry. They usually smell like piss and shit. I work at the monkey laboratory. Yeah, you get away with anything with that. that was monkey shit from the lab. I didn't bring that down from the attic. It's the lab sample. He finds the screen pulled open. He's like, well, clearly this is what's in. He goes back downstairs.

He's like, man, I know my monkeys and this is a monkey prison. Monkeys can't get out of this shit. It might as well be monkey face off jail. Ace, you got yourself a great A maximum security monkey house here, my friend. Nobody's going nowhere. At this point, Alan realizes he could move his hand a little bit. So he goes to a different specialist to double check. Yes. And this is when we find out that, oh, he had a congenital thing. And like, he was probably misdiagnosed by Stanley Tucci because he was so horny. My terrible, terrible

fucking brain was like Penelope Ann Miller's father from the shadow. Oh, wow. Is that where that guy's from? I was like, oh, fuck. I doubt that's where I recognized him, but he did look familiar to me. And I guess maybe. He's in a lot of stuff. And yes, it's like,

well, I can't say one way or another, but more than likely, yeah, you were misdiagnosed. that's why you're quadriplegic. But you have to wiggle something and then we can do this. Well, this doctor's making a good point. He's like, hey, man, like, if you're not sure if you actually did this or if it was like an accident or whatever, like, you got to have it happen again because it's a risky surgery. I'm not going to be fucking around with that. And he's like, all right, got it.

Hopefully by the end of this movie, I can move my hand. And now I'm an experimental doctor. So what we're going to try is to put a, put a bunch of bricks in a bad. but I'm on your back but you know Melanie's like isn't that great he's like that son of a bitch wise man I hope he burns at a house fire that ego fucking maniac

I sorry I missed it and Mrs. Dalfire he's the other dinosaur host oh that's what he's a dinosaur show host where there's like Robert Proske's co-host or something Robert Proske owns the television name that's right yeah oh he's the guy who Robin Williams

is making fun of it's sleepy time like You got a dinosaur playing with dinosaurs. Brontosaurus is coming. Now I at least can picture that face from that movie that I've seen a thousand times. But so he's all mad. I think at this point we get our first monkey teeth. That's kind of fun. Nice.

Monkey teeth are cool. The showing of monkey teeth? When he has, when Alan gets monkey teeth in his mouth, his teeth turn into monkey teeth. Did we watch the same movie? I didn't notice that at all actually. That actually two or three times. He has like sharp monkey teeth for like a couple of seconds. I just thought he was a gross dude that had fucked up teeth.

I don't know. People are ugly. What do you want me to do about it? We are becoming one. I am a biggie monkey like Brenda fly. A monkey tooth necklace would be pretty sharp. Oh yeah. Actually, actually would be.

You can hurt yourself quite a bit with a monkey tooth necklace, man. But what a statement it makes. I mean, don't wear that at our eventual trial because that's going to just screw the pooch on the defense. Eric Siska showed no remorse coming into the courtroom wearing a monkey-tooth necklace. What, sir, what, Mr. Siska, what kind of teeth are those you were wearing around your necklace? The fifth? Yeah, no, let's say they're ivory. Does that help?

Is that better? I don't know. Elephants tusk. Well, that just makes it so much worse. I love, so Alan is like, I'm going to fucking get that piece of shit on the phone. Yeah. And he's fucking dumb. and he has the monkey call the office

and the receptionist is like oh he's away for the weekend and he's like it's an emergency I definitely need to speak with him give me the number where he's at and she's like oh sure it's KL5 and he finishes the phone number and it's like oh that's fucking

Linda's house I guess she's got a vacation cabin yeah like a cabin in the woods or something uh huh and Tucci aunts he's like half naked he is just in a towel yeah taking that phone and putting it over to the best.

He's having a great time. He's out for a couple of days. This is a fuck vacation. Four to five days of balling. Excuse me. I can't hear you. I'm wiping my girlfriend off me here. Which you could please talk up more.

Oh my God. I just shot someone. Hello. Hello. Are you there? Yeah, you're going to have to talk a little louder. I feel like I'm under like three liters of water right now. I'm so cum drunk.

What is that? I'm dry out. So actually right. he realizes what's going on because the receptionist is like, oh, do you recognize the phone number? He's like, yes, I recognize the phone. You know, it's kind of great.

And this is, so is this a monkey teeth thing when he starts bleeding from the mouth? Yes, yes. I just thought he was so pissed off. He just started biting. And then the monkey like kisses it. It's like this weird, bad thing. And then this is when, yes, this is when they eventually,

the monkey gets out. I need to watch them burn. I'm sorry, you got Tom Savini on standby here. I think the finger thing means the money. I guess so. Just some crispy critters. Like, focus on it.

Well, that's what I wonder. Like, I didn't. Or you don't even watch a burn. I just want, did you hear that? Yeah. With a match. And like,

ah. And that's all I need. Some bodies being loaded out. Like the Savini special. Get me some weird looking shit. As it stands, though, it's kind of great. because, like, the monkey evil deads its way to this cabin.

I love the POV because it is just evil dead. And it's like, how the fuck, like, did this monkey get on a little tricycle? And, like, how it finds this cabin? It's none of my business. Well, it knows because what's his face in it? I know, but it's a monkey, dude. And how the fuck is it?

It's got to be miles away. Yeah. They could probably go pretty fast, right? Maybe hitched, you think? Oh, it's, yeah, it's getting its little thumb up. Oh, definitely. ass gas or grass monkey we definitely missed

like scenes of like a couple like a fine Italian restaurant outside the monkey goes by like did you see that oh dude yes what was that

yep exactly is that a monkey I need a little bit of the monkey commute here but what you do get that is fucking hilarious is like it turns into this

like sexy soft focus and the monkey is like and I don't know what we're doing here because the two We're getting some fucking on, but there's no, like, there's no support for what he's trying to do because the legs are off the bed, including the knees. So I don't know what he's trying to get done here.

What a bad doctor. What's your move? He's failing human anatomy right now. Let me hear. Is there a pinch or a swirl at the other? I think there was a knuckle was involved. That was the monkeys move. Oh, my God.

the monkey you think it's a finger but it's the monkey's little hand exactly that's part of the movie i kind of want to watch and then they burn and then like they find out the next day oh my god and like the mother's like oh my god how could i tell all right he's like they burned the death of fire did they and like here's where you need to button up yeah oh definitely yeah for legal for legal reasons alone i mean like if you are like oh what a tragedy yeah at least that's like you're not coming right out the gate like yeah I know how they died wait oh my god did they die I can't what an

unexpected surprise that I didn't have my monkey do because like the movie and I guess maybe the character itself is going back and forth between like being fine with that and then kind of almost like a werewolf waking up like oh what did I do yes you know well I think part of it is also like you're seeing him being alienated

from people because his relationship is with the mother who is annoying the hell out of him his wife's his ex-girlfriend abandoned him and the nurse hated him first and then left so like he's just like indulging all his most primal fucking feelings

stuff like that like again this is stuff where I'm like oh he's working on something interesting so then I'm not saying it's a problem for the movie I'm pointing out I think it's an interesting thing that he's doing that so Alan's like hey man just you got to get this monkey out of my house Jeff at least for the weekend yeah I'll take it for the week

And so on the weekend, we go, she's like, Melanie's like, why do you come to my house? You know, I have the barn set up that has like the guest room where we'd be training. So it'd be perfect for you for your situation. You can sleep in the practice barn, dude. And I'd be like, lady, I'm not a horse. Exactly. I can't have you in the house. Is it insulated?

You got a fucking door? Oh, well, I'll tell you, she keeps some fucking plenty warm, my friend. That's true. That face ain't getting cold. You misunderstood. The sex practice room that I have in my house that I keep just for such occasions. Because she's been waiting for this for a while and they get at it, dude. They just get at it.

And again, it's it's sensual. It's not too explicit. It's pretty, it's pretty gosh darn explicit, which I appreciate. But it's not like, it's not exploitative. It's actually, again, it moves the story forward. And, you know, adult human beings. I don't know if you guys know this. Do have sex occasionally.

Okay. Really? What? I know. They don't have to be mommy's daddy. Wow. But no one will with me. So you're telling me, dude, I can just go out, well, like a hypothetical adult eye, not Andrew I, but I can go out, just suck on some nipples, have somebody sit on my face. Sure.

And it's okay. I mean, yes. And I don't have to be a mommy or a daddy? No, not at all. You don't have to be married. Wow. And actually, you as an adult can go watch a movie where that happens because that's actually. actually expressing what happens in real life

you see. Oh, wait, no. Not Thanos's fucking pinky finger with all the gems. You know, Grout and Nebula, they made sweet, sweet love. The way that it all starts off is cool too, because they're in the practice barn or whatever, and she's

like helping him with something and he like leans in and kisses her. Yes. And she pulls back and he's like, oh, fuck. You know, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry. And then like for a split second, like when she goes back for it. I was like, is this turning into like a pity fuck situation?

No, no, no. But here's the thing. It's the sex scene that answers the question. Exactly. Because it's how the, uh, the act of lerve, such as it is as being portrayed here. I'm like, yeah, they're both into it. They're down. There's no pity here. We are, we are trying new things. We're making the best of the situation. Well, I'm a 21 year old on the internet. And why do we need to see these goddamn things? I mean, just fair. Fast forward, like, I know what happens back there, I promise. I am sick and tired. Me, as a 21-year-old person, having to get up and put a folder in front of my television.

Mom, I'm scared. Does anybody have sex? I mean, be honest. Why are we showing things that aren't realistic anymore? I didn't consent to watch them have sex in a movie. Fake sex, by the way. No, no, that's even worse because they didn't consent for me to watch. I'm like, they can't because they're fucking characters

in a goddamn movie. Let's remember, as many 21-year-olds are saying that on Twitter, the ones that are having sex aren't you know, pitching on the internet. No, they're not. They're having sex. You're just not. And you know, whatever, dude. Been there?

They're not watching movies. I've been 21 not having sex. That's for sure. They're not watching movies at all. They're just banging and be happy for them. I mean, it's also just a nice thing because it's like, and you know, they show how she is able to use his like pull-up bar from the bed as a way to sort of brace herself while he's going down on her and it's like it's it's nice I think because also it's like yeah these folks are folks and they have sexual needs and it can happen and it's intimate yeah like it's just I know more about both of these characters and yes I'm seeing someone who traditionally doesn't have sex in movies because we don't want to we don't want to think about that we George Romero thought it through and it works really well

and it's a good scene. He made it very hot. I was, I mean, it was a, I thought the fucking risky business music was about to start playing. Midnight oil was smart to get to, or dandrine dream was about to start. The monkey is definitely watching. Oh, yeah. What's going on here?

Like through monkey vision. Through monkey vision. She's with cousin Ira. Because then the monkey's going to put her clothes on and try to yeah, exactly. It's ingratiate itself with Alan here, trick him. The monkey, by the way, is getting into the injections. Like, come on.

It's like slapping it. It's kind of great. Where's my stuff? Get me my stuff. Yeah. Where's my kit? And this is when kind of like towards the, this is basically the end of the movie. Basically, he comes back after a great sexy weekend.

He's like, he's like calm again because he realized the monkey actually agitated him. And he's like, listen, mom, I want to, I want to, you know, I want to go through, you know, I want to be better for you and blah, blah, blah. and like, when the monkey comes back in the house, sneaks back in the house, he becomes agitated again. He, like, tells his mom off, like, you fucking bitch or whatever he says. Yeah.

You don't give a shit about me or anybody else. I wish you were electrocuted. I wish you died by electrocution. Completely justified here because she was like, I don't know about that Melanie. Yeah, exactly. Totally. Lady.

It's like, come on. He says, your life is nothing but an empty. greedy black hole when you're right you're right well because there's the other we didn't mention it just got laid this weekend for the first time in a long time I actually

I probably wrote it off in my head that I would never have it again and now you're taking it away absolutely fucking God an attractive woman that I have stuff in common who wants to fucking ride my face and you're taking that away from me absolutely not monkey get her yeah this face is open

for business mom get the fuck out of here the other loser's shit that this mother does that we skipped over, but it adds to this is not only she just back helping out because of the fucking nurse and suicide attempt or whatever else, she's back permanently living here because she sold her successful business

and the family house from wherever the fuck and just lives with him now. And the insurance is all under my name. That's interesting. A monkey. Can I just do it Think really hard monkey killer Monkey killer monkey killer

Well the monkey fucking here's right If that's the case dude Because this lady's like You know I just had this knock down Dragout fight with my son Which in which he slaps him at the end She really slaps the shit out of him She's really

I think he says I wish you were dead or something I think he says at the end of it Yeah yeah right after NBC's the slap Happens to him And so man First of all They got Joyce fanpatic in this fucking disgusting

face mask that looks like it had been falling off. Yeah. Like in the tub. It's so bad right here. It's really Yes. Of all the... Tom Savini has best and gory. Of all the makeup effects, that freaked me out. Almost the worst. Very mommy dearest

looking here. The monkey had seen Groundhog Day the night before, you see. Yes. And tosses this hair dryer into the tub. This lady lights up like a fucking candle. It gets a good hand. Yeah.

It's a shaky hand and shaky foot, which is great. Beautiful. Power goes out in the house and Panko comes in here. Like, oh, hey, it's dark, man. Which is going on? He's like, oh, Alan's like, I think there was a short somewhere. And dude, this is fucking gruesome. He goes to try to turn the electricity on again.

And it goes on for two seconds and they cut back to the bathroom and it's just this corpse fucking shaking again. We didn't have to talk about it too much. But before he leaves Pankow, he realizes that, oh, my God. Ella has escaped. She's super evil. He loads up two syringes with poison. Yeah. Which one's the poison vial? Got it. He's ready to take this monkey to hell. He's coming to the house to kill the monkey.

Right. Absolutely. After he has injected himself with a bunch of other stuff. This is the green stuff. The last dose of the green stuff because he wants to bond with Ella to see if he can, which allows him to sort of I think he even sees it and he gets

monkey vision for a hot second. because this is where he's he's sitting back in the chair in the lab and Romero drenches this entire room with this really bright red light and I love the shot of when we go back to see what he's doing trying to make the connection with the drugs. They have this

establishing shot over the campus again and there's like a thunderstorm happening and this is all like Matt and fake and just up in you see the two windows from his lab and it's just the only glowing red light in this frame that's a bunch of like blacks, blues and purples. It's awesomely composed. Another cool

Romero thing, because it happens here too I think a couple, it happens a couple times. He has this great angle of, he just holds on Jason Begay's face as the wheelchair moves around. Oh, yes. Those are really cool angles like in his, like on his lap as removing the wheelchair. Yeah. And it just

it's just a really cool effect. But so like, you know, Pankhouse's looking around. He realized the mom's dead and yeah, it's kind of tough. But he's like, don't worry, pal, I'm going to kill that monkey for he. He, like, unplugs the hair dryer before he goes back to start the power again. Yes. That's great.

And, you know, Alan is like, hey, man, can we just get out of the house and call the police? Can we please get out of here? Just what? I got to kill one more monkey. I got to get a nice, even number. Look, my boss has been riding my ass. I've got to up my dead monkey numbers. I've got to kill this one.

I've been stuck at 36 for so long. It is true. When you want those, when you want the record, when you're going for the record, the last one's the hardest. I've plateaued, Alan. But so, yeah, he's just, can we call the cops or whatever, but he's not. He's running, a lot of monkey hide and seek here. Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's, but yeah. There's something, Mike, Alan gets, like, caught up at a, by the phone wire, you know. That's a great thing. A phone with a, so the monkey knows enough to unplay, he bites through the cord. Yes. for the card phone No caps And so but then

Alan spies the corded phone In the kitchen And he's trying to like knock it out And again like showing like Struggle for some In this situation is really great Like it lasts a long time of him Just like backing into the wall

Trying to knock the phone off the receiver Like all that shit He finally does it And then up he drops it It gets caught in the wheelchair So he can't get out Get out to help Jeffrey who gets

got by this monkey man what an idiot I mean I'm a little sad that the monkey didn't get to do more to him like for all the monkeys well this is when he gets real goofy too

because I think it's like the poisonous fuck it I put it up in there to kill King Kong oh yeah totally that's a fun little line which may or may not have been in the trailer

yeah it seems like that's maybe in a modern trailer for this movie movie you would put that in. He's dead. Melanie calls, finally gets through for a second, realize something's wrong. She calls, she comes in and now it's just, you know, my two, well, my two girlfriends are fighting each other kind of thing. The monkey, by the way, turns the power off and puts

a candle because the monkey is at this point trying to fuck him a little bit. He's sensual. Yeah. Because it's like, it's dinner time and like so the monkeys like setting the table appropriately or whatever. And this is where he is inspired, I think. This is how he kind of gets her. He's like, hey, Ella, music. We need music. We need music. Baby, come on. How are we going to have fun without music? You know? And then it's like, oh, well, Ella, we can't play the music unless the power's back on. You got to turn the lights on. And it's like, he sort of tricks the monkey and, like, you know, putting the power on. And the monkey realizes it. And then this is what

she pees on his lap. And he's like, you rot. Scumbag. It's the fucking funniest thing in the movie. But that is the great like Now I own you. Just piss it in your lap, man. He calls this monkey a scumbag. It's fucking a person.

You're going to put you in the shame room. Is this where he gets it? No, no. Once her face comes in, she gets knocked out. And the monkey's trying to blight her on fire, but she's wet from the rain outside. And this is like, it's a monkey actually like poking around your eyeballs with the fucking lit match. This woman's a hero.

And then when that doesn't work, the monkey finds a syringe on the floor. Right. Yes, yes. Because there was the two doses. Yeah. But then like the needle is also right by this woman's eye. Well, that's the funniest thing is the monkey might have gotten away with all of its most defarious plans. but it got too excited as to where to stick the needle. So it couldn't decide if it's cheek or eyeball. Where am I putting the poison? And then this is what ends to its demise. Well, because you realize like, oh, if I just get calm myself down,

if I calm myself, the monkey will calm herself. Like, hey, look, come here. Give me a hug. You don't want to kill her. You don't give me a hug. Just give me one last hug. Oh, man. And he just bites down.

on this monkey's fucking neck. And it's insane. Oh, no, I'm sorry. He's like, he suits the monkey because he finally has his magical hand able to put the tape deck on. He puts the music on. And the monkey's like, oh, good music. He's like, yeah, give me a hug.

Smooth operator. Background. And just him just like shaking his head back and forth, this monkey flying back and forth thrashing being killed by a man's jaws. I felt good to be human. Yeah, dude. Like a dog with a stuffed monkey. Like just going out.

Which is what is getting flipped around, which makes it even better because you're just watching this grown man shake his head with his stuffed animal in his mouth. Objection, Your Honor, about George Romero and Jason B.K. here. He's using his shoulders here. He's going, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. Well, it's coming back to him. Oh, yeah, my fucking hands. That's right.

Yeah, I guess that's right. He's magically cured his It's also the music is very catchy. Yes. It rules so hard. God damn it. It's great. And then like,

And he just tosses that monkey. Yeah. Like it's shit. It just falls like a fucking pile of t-shirts of him. I love it. So good. The monkey killed my mother. That monkey killed my mother.

My mother and man cow. Don't worry, police. I captured the killer already. He's on the floor. I bit its neck until dead. What? why? Oh, it's a monkey.

Hey, Ed, you're not going to believe this. It happened to get it. He chewed the neck open. Because, I mean, I feel like you as, as Allen would be fine because you're quite a bludgeoning. Oh, it couldn't have killed all these people. Couldn't have been me. But Melanie at least someone's going to jail. You're not like, oh, no, the monkey poisoned to my friend. Like the monkey did that. Yeah. Exactly. And then the monkey. Yeah. And that's, you know, why it's kind of. of unbelievable that when he's having back

surgery for the second time in this movie he's not handcuffed to the bed. You know what I mean? So you're telling me, just for my own thing, Mr. Begay, you didn't eat the monkey's hands to make sure fingerprinting was impossible. That wasn't

you? Yeah, I mean, monkeys probably have fingerprints, right? It's true, yeah. A little... I would think so. Yeah, yeah, a little popper. Not ours at the farm. We'll burn those. Oh, yeah. I don't want any idea. I would taking the teeth out too. That's right. Because we're not training helper monkeys.

We're training assassin monkeys. If they get caught, you don't want that info getting out. All right, Mr. Monkey, you have five minutes before this tape explodes. I just pray they don't turn against their masters. And a bit of bullshit

at the end of the movie is he's like, he's in the wheelchair and he gets up and he's like, let's go. Yeah, let's go to this cool van and go for more fucking. Right. He might as well look at the camera like, now I can fuck regular and be like thumbs up. It's true.

I mean, I think it would have been maybe a little bit better if he stayed. Well, apparently the studio wanted this ending. It's a very happy ending. Romero didn't. Well, yeah.

You can tell mightily that this is not a George Romero ending. Yes. Thanks a lot fucking MGM and Orion pictures. You douchebags. But yeah, he gets the surgery. Although here's something

that's fucking bunk. And this should, this is like the Romero ending, I feel. Yeah, he's getting that back surgery, but in comes the doctor. And he's like, oh, we're going to get started now. And he goes to like cut the, oh, right. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. The fucking monkey, like a little chestburster.

Yes. Because these monkeys, man, one last scare with these monkeys. Tom's a poppin. Tom's a meeting. Apes and neck popping. Tom's a me just like, I know it doesn't make sense, George. Just let me do it. It'll be a dream sequence.

It'll be fine. Listen, I'm going to tell you this, I can do it. It's a dream, but I can make it reality. And I think maybe, ooh, it would be a thing where it was like, if the character of Alan died in the movie and then you really hammer home to like, she was unlocking the animal in me and then Alan the monkey bursts out of Alan the human. There's so many better ways to end this movie. It's a bummer of an ending.

Yeah, it's not great. sweet and like and again I do think that like there are so few movies about quadriplegic to have the quadriplegic movie happen it's like and then he's cured magically and look he's normal

you know it's weird it's weird quote unquote exactly we're talking quote unquote but that's that's what that's the drag of it right it should end with him being like oh cool now I have my cool girlfriend she rides my face every fucking Saturday night we're smoking jays and having a great time because we have this

bitching van at our disposal. We're going fishing. We're fucking getting mustache rides. Yes. Come on. Like, and then if he has a mustache and she's like, I like it. And that's the last of the movie? Yep. It's like

he's got the mustache and she rolls down the window and she goes, get in, loser. I'm going for a ride. Yes. Boom. End of credit. Directed by George. Dinner's on me. It's in my crotch. Oh, the dinner's going to be on you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oddly, did you guys notice this movie, like, technically ends with the oddest wipe in all of film history? And there's no other wipe in the movie. I've never seen a wipe like this at all. A to the left until it's a rectangle and then fades to black white.

Never saw that kind of a wipe. Because Romero is always inventive no matter what, even if it doesn't make any goddamn sense. Yeah, it was a weird surprise. And then, yeah, at the end of the credits, We really promise that the program that this is based on never had a monkey attack happen. You will, no monkey straight. First of all, do not have, if you do have a monkey your house, do not fill syringes with poison.

That's just a bad idea in general. Bad idea. Yep. Don't fill it with poison. Also, don't try to inject your monkey at home with super soldier serum. Get your mother out of here. Come on. Come on.

Also, don't work for Stephen Root. It's usually a bad idea. It usually probably goes wrong. But that is the end. of George A. Romero's monkey shines. We'll go around the horn here. Final thoughts and recommendations. Eric Siska.

Yes, I like it. I like how atmospheric it is. I like the portrayal of a person in this condition. Unfortunately, yeah, that ending is maybe a little bit of bummer. So I'm recommending it, but I did find it, look, it's a little tedious in certain parts.

And I do wish that there were maybe a bigger ape or bigger kills. Yeah. That's me. Chris Cabin. Oh, yeah, enthusiastically recommend. I really like this movie. I like,

all of Ramirez, uh, non-zombie, like night riders is so good with Tom Savini. And Ed Harris. And Ed Harris. Uh, uh, you know, I, I thought this movie was long, though, by the way. Well, that one, yes, there's also very long. Uh, that's like, I can see like the ending. Yeah, it bumps me out a little bit too, but like the fact that like he even gets that sex scene in is to me, it's just like, overrides. Like, I have never seen a scene like that in any other movie. Uh, and yeah, I was just always taken. by this movie. I thought, like a lot of Romero premises,

I was like, that's ridiculous. And I was like, oh, he gives his shit. So he made it good. Okay. Precisely. Yeah. I would recommend this movie. I'm a big Romero head. All his non-zombie stuff, you know, there's, it's a mixed bag, but like this, Martin, the

dark half. The crazies. The best. It's so fucking good. There's a lot of interesting non-zombie stuff if you're curious. You know, because like his movies outside of the zombie stuff, you don't really, you know them as well. So I would recommend it, but yeah,

although big bullshit on that ending. Steve Sadek, close down the show. Yeah, a light recommend. I'm kind of closer to Eric with this one. It's just, I think it gets a little dull at points. I do like what we're doing story-wise for the most part, except for the ending. Like we'd see five minutes ago.

I think Jason Begay is really good. I think John Pancao is pretty good. Yeah, totally. A comeback friend. And like, it's a, There's real texture here. Bronx boy, Jorge Romero,

knows how to direct something. I had a lot of fun with it. But it's a light recommend. I kind of want Romero to let his friend Savini play a little bit more. Yeah, what the fuck am I doing here? Exactly.

But that is going to do it for this episode. Folks, if you want more We Hate Movies, feel free to check out WHMpodcast.com or Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We have a lot of ape-related offerings going on. as well this month, including we love movies all about the fantastic

fucking movie, Planet of the Apes from 1968, of course, not the Tim Burton one there. Oh, no, no. We got a sort of an ape situation at the Gleap Glossary. On the Gleap Gloucary, we were talking about an EWalk, the main one, Wicket

from Return of the Jedi, and that is kind of ape-ish, because it's a little furry thing. Yeah. A monkey hands too, right? Oh, yeah. on animation damnation we have something out on Donkey Kong country the cartoon

Yeah we're full of bile for that thing That is It made everybody mad It's terrible You know it was so terrible I actually I had to go through

I was playing so many Donkey Kong games over the weekend Uh huh Just to fucking get the bad taste out of my mouth Chris Cabood What are we doing once in a lifetime Spymate We're doing another monkey movie

We talked about It's not technically a lifetime movie, but this is a TV movie and has Emma Roberts in it. Of course, I'm sure it is a fantastic film. I'm certain. I've never seen it. It would be clear. I've never seen this one. You've never seen spy mate.

Not of Emma Roberts completest. And, you know, the usual offerings, of course, like Melro 210 and the Nexus. No ape related stuff there, but. We haven't watched the episodes yet, actually. Yeah, actually, that's true. Maybe there's a secret monkey on Melrose place. Jim Walsh is in it. He's got the orangutan arms at least.

And don't forget to see us in Los Angeles on May 22nd and San Francisco, May 18. That's right. And more monkey content, King Kong on April to the 20th. We're doing another virtual live show via Moment House. Go to all that information at WHMpodcast.com slash tour. That's right. Now, here on the main feed, Steve, April continues to next week.

What are we talking about? We're finally doing it. It's been years and years since we've visited Clint Eastwood and Clyde. They're returning in any which way you can. Oh, man. Put on your loose, breezy 70s jeans. Grab your room temperature beer. Meet my partner Clyde.

Oh, man. I'm very excited to jump back into this movie, which I recall watching with you apes at the Old Astoria apartment let me tell you I don't remember

a thing that happens if you could believe it the less people remember about our grody apartment the three of us had together the better

absolutely so until next week when we're talking any which way you can I've been Andrew Juppin Steven Sadek Eric Siska

Chris Gavin take it easy That was a hit-gum podcast.