We Hate Movies - S13 Ep677: Saw IV (Live in Toronto)

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Recorded live at the Royal Theatre, Toronto, ON, Canada, 10.27.22 On this week’s episode, it’s the gang’s raucous live show from their Canadian debut where they talked a blue streak all about the abysmal horror sequel, Saw IV! Is John Kramer the single person keeping the mini tape recorder business going? Why did they cast so many dull, brown-haired dudes to play all these faceless, monosyllabically-named characters? And did Tobin Bell swipe his autopsy puppet from the prop department? PLUS: A live version of the VHS Trailer Game! Saw IV stars Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Lyriq Bent, Louis Ferreira, Donnie Wahlberg, and Angus Macfadyen as Jeff; directed by Darren Lynn Bousman. Looking for more WHM-related content? Check out the hours and hours of exclusive bonus content on our Patreon! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new KONG, DILF Den, Grab-Ass & Cancer & SW Crispy Critters designs! Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes. That is matter. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door.

They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Land. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movies! Movies don't create psychos! Movies make psychos! More creative!

Put the fucking lotion in the back! Toronto, what is happening? Hello. Hello, everybody. Happy Halloween. Yes. I'm going as Christian Slater from True Romance if he had survived.

And I'm going as a virgin. Oh, that's good, Steve. I was going as myself, hence the mask. Of course. I was going as someone who just had a movie. spoiled for him by Chris Cabin if I hadn't seen No I'm going as a guy who hadn't seen true romance

And just like someone out there Sure And you fucked them I fucked you for good I'm sorry about that It's ruined for good Specific costume I like that Yeah I was always down for the specific costumes

Toronto what is going on everybody Oh shit Oh shit You know it is our first time coming north of the border we all made it no one was fucking arrested so so far five stars

that's awesome the balloon didn't break I feel great right now that's awesome dude and we were a little bit delayed in the air so I was glad you finally got it out of you as I do in every city I tried local fast food joints that aren't where I'm from this Harvey's

place you've got terrible terrible What's Harvey doing? Who's Harvey's. Harvey's is essentially like if Subway was a burger joint. Oh. Like you get the burger and then like you can go down the line like, yeah, I'll have lettuce. Oh, no.

What? Love tomato. What do I have all fucking day? Yeah, let me get a top bun. Yeah, bottom button two. You got 25 minutes? Because I'm going to spell out exactly how to make this cheeseburger. Yeah, I'll take it cooked.

Cooked, which is good. All pickles, please. Nothing but pickles. What a stupid idea for a restaurant Like I said, not great What'd you get? I got a Because I was not going to go through that ordeal

I got a chicken sandwich Wait so hang on a second, hang on Yes There's the option So for the burger Yes You're going down the assembly line Do you want this do you want that

A chicken sandwich It's just the chicken sandwich And go fuck yourself You can ask to do it But it seemed like Do you want to do? Like he acted like it was a weird thing to ask for. I want the chicken sandwich,

but I can have the one that takes fucking forever for you to make. Could I have that one? Yes. The one that tastes like shoe leather, please. You had a bad lunch today, dude. I'm just hearing about this right now. I'm sorry. I should have updated you. Hello, Jeff. Would you like a hamburger? You're going to have

to go through this game to get it. Excellent and professional redirect. Thank you. Let me ask you guys this. How many of you all saw this movie in advance of the show this evening? Now, a follow-up for the real heads. How many of you, Motherfarkers, have seen every one of these movies? Wow, way more than I thought.

That's something. Got a lot of time on your hands, huh? No good. No good audience. This stuff is crap. I mean, and I'm talking even spiral. Yeah. Well, see, but that crested way fucking cestered. It's true. The weirdest thing, Spiral.

You know what's been a problem here is that we don't have a good actor in the lead role? Well, how we're going to fix that is we're going to put Chris Rock in it. And that's Spiral, colon, from the Book of Song? A reading from the Book of Song. Right, I have it right up there next to the Book of Boba and other bullshit titles. You know, I got burned by that movie because Spiral was the first movie I saw back in theaters. After some of the madness died down and whatnot, you know, went to the theater. excited. The magic of the movies. This hasn't left me.

Oh, my God. Here I come to the theater. Get my big popcorn. Get my big soda. Oh, yeah. And I'm watching fucking spiral. Yeah. That's the thing that's going to turn you to a streaming advocate. Like, you only streaming. Dude, I left the theater, and I was like, close them down. Close them all down.

Because the trick is, it's just another saw movie. That was the gag. But it's somehow worse. Because it's like just barely a saw movie. Yeah. They don't even really deliver on that. No. Which sucks. No.

But it's okay to like a movie, folks. I think we have a lot of sawheads in here tonight. Yes. And we will get to Saw 4 this evening from 2007, directed by Darren Lynn Bozeman. And Chris Cabin, I seem to remember one time, you said that the year 2007 was one of the best years for motion pictures of all time.

I'm very, very specific about this. The best movies were some of the best movies of the decade. The worst movies were some of the worst of the decade. Oh, I forgot about the second half of the thesis. Both sides. I say it sticks. See, the weird thing is, talking all about the saw movies, I kind of want to play a game really quickly.

Let me hit play real quick. Let me hit play real quick. I am going to hit it. It's... Coming soon to video. Excellent. It's a VHS trailer game. There we go.

is, we got it. It's the VHS trailer game. And there it goes twice. The VHS trailer game, Toronto's favorite game about obsolete materials. I am the game master, and these are my clues. Now, here's the thing, though. What's that? I don't fucking feel like playing.

That's fair. Yeah. Fuck you. Fine. I'll do that at the Tobin Bell style. Fuck off. I'm so old. Fuck off.

So who do you want to, who would you like to play? Maybe some of these fine, beautiful, gentle Canadians out here. Yeah. All right, if you want to come up, raise your hand, yes. Raise your hand up. Chris Cabin is going to go, select some folks. Now, just not the front row people, you know, only. Chris Cabin.

There's a whole theater here. Don't fuck it up now. Chris Cabin is going to go and select some players, and of course he's the one that gets to get to select it because, you know, it's a little bit rigged. He's going to select a dollar for me. Just a quick rundown The VHS trailer game

I'm going to give you five clues The first one is worth five points Then it goes four three two one The first will be the game master's clue The second thing I will tell you Which is a piece of IMDB trivia The third is the tagline of the film The second is the star of the film

And the first is one more star of the film So that's how it's going to go And since Saw was not Saw 4 was not released on VHS We are going to do movies The trailers Oh, here we go. Who shall be my champion?

Here we go. All right. Don't lose. Chris, you picked the dude with matching shirts. We got four people. Chris Cabin, what the fuck? You fucked it up.

I specifically said don't fuck it up. No, no. You can't kick the guy off the stage. That's unfair. That's horrible. Oh, my God. God.

That's fucking funny. Yes. You know what I think is funny, too, is this poor bastard gets kicked off and the guy with the Sky Hat gets to stay up there. All right. My team member is tagging in, sir. Okay, this is just... Come on up.

Tag team match. All right. That was really nice of you. Look at this. What a nice sacrifice. Jesus, Christ. So the way this is going to go is I am going to, as the first clue, I will tell you where the trailer is from which Tobin Bell movie

the trailer has come from. So it's not, Tobin Bell is not in the answer, but Tobin Bell will tell you the year of the movie that came out. This is the, for whom the bell tolls edition. Because in Goodfellas from 1990, he played parole officer.

I don't know if you know that. Steve Sadek, should we say, by the way, that these folks are playing for our points? Yes. This is in-game. The shit counts. This counts. Let's introduce our players really quick.

Please. Hello, sir, what's your name? My name is Matt. Matt, thank you for being here. Thanks for coming back up, Matt. I'm Alex. I don't think I'm going to win. Can I switch to someone?

No, we already did enough switching. I fucked it up enough, sorry. And, sir, what's your name? Cody, and most of these saw movies are filmed in Toronto. That's right, which is why we decided to pick this film for you tonight because this is your beloved culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would not boast about that.

So this movie came out in 1990. Just kind of keep that around or thereabouts. So this is a romantic and grit, and we're going to raise our hands. So wait, so Tobin Bell is in these or not? He is not in these movies. Okay, so this is from the tape from Goodfellas, and Toven Bell appears in Goodfellas for half a second. Yes, got it.

Exactly. And it's not going to be the firm either. No, it's not. So, um... I might get firm later, you know. Why exactly? I want to, we're going to raise our hands and we're going to get through this. and then the show's going to continue.

That's right. I promise you that. So this is a romantic and gritty retelling of a legendary story. It did some modern updates including casting a diehard villain and having Arrowvision.

Robin Hood. Robin Hood. Thanks of thieves. Thank you. Robin and Prince of Thieves. Nice. Big points. Team Cisca.

Love that. That's the only way Eric could score if it's somebody else doing it. I'd like to see you play, motherfucker. I don't have to. I'm the fucking Game Master. Oh, J. Master, Zedak. You've ruled the VHS trailer game with an iron fist. Well, today that run comes to an end.

We're going to play a game of your own, motherfucker. We're going to put it a VHS up your ass. No, it's the even worse option. The HD DVD game. I wish. Okay, so now this is off the tape from in the line of fire wherein Topen Bell played Mendoza.

Okay? Mendoza! Had to happen. So, this is from the year of 1994. That's the year of the movie. Okay. A Hollywood legend. Oh, sorry.

Game Master's Clue. Oh, thank God. I was so lost. I was like, where is he going with this? I had no idea what you were saying until you said that. You're yelling at me for fucking up. You do something like that. A Hollywood legend slummed it a bit as a universal monster

in this movie that has an erotic bent. So it's a Hollywood legend playing a universal monster. Like, you know, a big old, one of the classic monsters. But it's sexy? It's kind of sexy. Sexy monster? What year was this again? 1994-ish.

Okay, we're going to move on to the next clue. She's got it. Bram Stoker's Dracula? It is not Bram Stoker's Dracula. But a good guess, An excellent guess. Very good guess. I think I know what it is,

and it's shittier than that movie. That's a good movie, and this one's a shitty movie. Okay, the star had final say what director would direct the film, and he chose Mike Nichols. Mike Nichols, ladies and gentlemen. Mike Nichols' monster movie

that is not the graduate. Not the graduate. All right, so then here's the tagline. Inside every man, there are two people. one good one beast so it's yep

Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde It is not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde So now it's up to Matt So Michelle Pfeiffer is in this movie Can I just say

He just fucking told me The right answer After fucking it up Hold up He had his say This is Matt's turn It's Matt's turn Michelle Piper

And the final one Do you want the final clue? Jack Nicholson is in this movie. You probably just don't know what this movie is. Yeah, it's... Previous episode, I'm guessing. It is. It is called Wolf, ladies and gentlemen.

Jack Nicholson played the Wolfman. Yeah. He just said he was going to say something about witches. I just want to make sure that everything's on the records, sir. Oh, isn't he in like Witches of Eastwick or whatnot? Maybe. I was thinking of that goddamn, what was that? Wasn't De Niro Frankenstein or some shit?

Yeah, De Niro also played Frankenstein. That's what Brannaw. Yes. Okay. Last clue. Here it comes. Last one. Okay.

From the movie Malice, wherein Tobin Bell appeared as Earl Lemus. Everybody knows Malice and Earl Lemus? It's a classic. I wish I knew you were doing this one, dude. I would have worn my Earl Lemus t-shirt this evening. Oh, dude. The fucking crowd would have went nuts for Earl Lemus.

Oh, my fucking shit. It's an Earl Leemis T-Shall! You hear that, Paul? Earl Lemus. 1993 is where the movie came from. So a comedy star on the rise must have made his rivals green with envy when he took a starring role as an obscure comic book character

which grossed over $100 million. The Mask? It is the Mask for five big points. Well done. Nice job. That's awesome. All right. So there you go. That's the VHS trailer game.

Thank you to Matt. Thank you for coming out. Stay where you are. There are some prizes, I believe. There are some prizes. Hold on, hold on. Cheers, man. Hold where you are, though.

You have to stay for the duration. No, we're going to put you in some gears. Yes, we've got so much dumb shit for you. Here we go. Some VHS tapes that are signed, yeah, Air Force One. I love it. Thank you for participating. It was a tie, actually.

You know, oh, yes, yeah. Where is the lady that sub-doubt? Please raise your hand. Where is she? You get a prize for you as well because there's no winner today and there's no winner when you talk about softwar anyway. Let's hear for everybody that came up.

Round of applause are brave contestants. Now you may leave. Thank you very much. Thank you. Watch your step, please. And stay for the show. I don't know. I go.

I thought we were done. No, they got their VHS tapes. They're out of here. They've got to go watch them. So now we're going to play Monopoly on stage. Sure. Yeah. All right, so I'll be the thumbtack.

No, wait, what is that, a thimble? There's a thimble, there's a hat. Yeah. There's a train, choochoo. There's a big old choochoochoo. There is a train, the hat, yeah. I think Toby Bell would pick, you know, what's his name, John Kramer. John Kramer.

I think they'd pick the choochoo-choo, because it's got a lot of rusty, gears in it. You know, I think I know where we can start. Do you know that you see Tobin Bell's puppet dick in this movie? Oh, it's... Well, that's a great place to start. Steve, thank you.

So apparently, yes, some W.HM research department determined that this was a fake cock we see at the start of the film. It was a Jim Henson production, I believe. They spared no expense making this... Well, it's a whole... It's a whole... It's a whole...

They didn't just, like, puppet. He said... not wearing like just fake genitals. So do you think Tobin Bell has this in his house, like this whole fucking naked puppet of himself? I think maybe if there's a Mrs. or Mr. Bell they're not too pleased about that.

I have a threesome with my real doll. Be you with the real doll. Would you like to see my puppet beanbag? It's quite, I love it. It's one of my favorite pieces of memorabilia. My puppet beanbag. Puppet beanbag. I know I like the idea of like his wife

is driving them, like, they're doing a long weekend at her mother's house, and then she realizes it was the puppet Tobin Bell the whole time. With someone like weekend at Bernie's eating it? Yes, exactly. She's like, oh, he gets you sleeping. Hold on. It's that damn puppet

again! Again, so she's been fooled by this multiple times, which I also love. And the only way she knows is the puppet has a bigger dick that he does, so she's to grab it, and she's like, God damn it! Wait a second! I mean, it's a weird thing, too, you read the trivia about this scene,

so the movie opens with, like, Jigsaw's autopsy, which, cool, man, whatever you want to do, saw for, and this thing's getting cut up and whatnot, and you look at the trivia, and it's like, they were so concerned about the accuracy

of this autopsy scene that they had a mortician or a coroner or something shit, like on hand the whole time, which, like, for what? For the fucking one asshole, like, surgeon slash, Saw fan in the audience? That's all wrong.

No, no, no. You would never handle a brain like that. Absolutely not. You use a scooper. Use a scooper for the brain. Where's their ice cream scoop? It should be there right there. I mean, yeah, I mean, it's nice. They let Stan Brackage do his filming in the corner. That's a joke for two people in this audience. And I heard

one of them laugh. Thank you. 50% success rate. I like that. Oh, do you bet. Yeah, so they're doing the autopsy, and he finds in his jigsaw's stomach. a little tape that we also see a cutaway of him gnash it on this tape Oh yeah, I like to dip it in wax

Makes it goes down a little better Also the hot Guatemalan insanity pepper You know, it's ridiculous I just want to eat a cassette tape And I go into this Harvey's And it takes fucking 20 minutes To go down the line I just want a cassette tape

dipped in white wax, cooled and given to me to swallow in one goal. Okay, okay, you talked me into it. A little banana peppers on top. Dude, 1960s saw and he's swallowing a whole vinyl record. Wow. You'd have to...

You'd have to event Horizon that LP. Oh, absolutely. I also like the guy, the mortician, like, gets the tape. He's like, somebody get homicide in here right now. Well, he plops down his stomach, which looks like an alien from aliens. Yeah, he knows. You know more of it.

little baby. I thought I was going to start squirming around, which might have made this better. Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? If a stomach came to life, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it turned out of an alien? Jigsaw versus alien. I like that. I mean, throw that tape in the goddamn trash. Who gives a fuck? Like, these people are going to be dead anyway.

Sure. Also, why is it the first instinct to call homicide? I would call the janitor. This is going to the garbage. But I guess because, like, oh, a homicide might be happening because dun, dun, dun, dun, new tape. New tape, and this guy loves dropping tapes. I love when they

He does. He does, do it be cool if you shit it out before he died and then he's like, oh no, I got to eat it again. I did the math wrong. Oh God, Amanda. Oh, fuck. Wait a minute. When is Jeff showing up? Oh, I got that all wrong.

Oh, no. Where's that girl from Becker to clean this up? Hospital. Take me to a hospital right now. A real one, please. A real one, not this makeshift one. I don't want to play a game anymore. Oh, God. I am tired of playing a game.

Oh, Jesus. It's coming out sideways. Is this what games are? I hate games. I do love the thoroughness of John Kramer, the beloved jigsaw killer, right? Yeah.

Because they cut through this fucking wax. They get this tape out. They open the cassette tape. And keep in mind, he's sending this to people who have been, like, cold on the trail of the jigsaw case this whole time. he's still bothered to write on the tape play me

no shit jigsaw no shit throw in garbage I was just seeing if it would work and now hold my I'm gonna hold your hand here a little bit so he sets the tape this guy Detective Hoffman hears it

and it's kind of just it doesn't tell you anything it's just a taunt it's like even though I'm dead I'm gonna keep going this shit's gonna last forever and he's right because he's got seven more fucking movies out of this thing This dude's been dead since 2006. And apparently new news out of movie land, he's coming back, apparently.

Oh, yeah, yeah. How is that going to work? Hologram. No, no, I actually read... Irishman style, right? I'm still on A&Cool News, and I read some cool fact. Oh, fuck, dude. Lay it on us. I love cool news.

In the opening scene of Saw 10, he sucks the devil's dick. And then he's able to leave hell. Oh, that's cool. It's kind of like what Bill and Ted did, but a little sexier. You know, I thought I'd be in heaven because I was, you know, punishing the wicked. I thought I'd be in heaven. Wait, you mean I'm a bad guy? What do you mean I'm a bad guy?

I was doing all the good stuff. I opened a health clinic. I don't think you know that. No, seriously, there's a problem. Running up the chain of command. I know you're the devil. Talk to God for a second. Look, what do you think I meant by cherish your life, okay?

That's what you're, it's a good thing. You're supposed to want to do it. Live strong, motherfucker. Yeah. So he sucks the devil. Level's dick. Yes, he does. And then he's a let back on Earth, I guess, for one last game.

Yeah, I think that's how that's going to be sought out. They ought to just go full supernatural with this shit at this point. He's, again, he's been dead for 14 years. We might as well go supernatural, you know what I mean? And you know what? Here's the thing about that. Like, no one would blink. No one would care.

No, no. If it means these dumb movies can continue. Yeah, like you people, you like people coming back from the dead rights. See? Yeah, necromancy, woo! Yeah, pinhead, black magic, the whole thing. So now we cut back, the end of this movie coalesces with the end of Saw 3,

and it just gets so confusing. You know, the audacity of these people, to make this movie and expect you to remember how the last one of these ended, get the fuck out of here. That's the only way, if you were to make sense of any of these, the only way you can watch these is minority report style, which means that you have the,

movie you're watching right in front of you but then you have four other screens or how any movies there were before that one and you go whenever there's something that makes no sense which surprise is all the time in this movie you have to like scroll through other ones like is it there? No is it there?

No no damn it like all happening at the same time which is so confusing and then they keep casting guys that look identical like Mandelor here Detective Hoffman or whatever looks just like Agent Peter what the hell Gilmore girl. Dude, I thought

when they have like one or two scenes together it was like double impact I'm like where's the line and the frame where do they how do they do it?

Yeah, which is the one that has the bad wig and the ponytail yeah neither of them have a good ass though neither of them and then Art Blank fucking name right there

right my lord art blank who shows back up what the fuck they kind of look similar too and I'm just I'm lost it is four brunette white guys

who you could not give less of a flying shit about all running around this movie and all doing something incredibly important to the plot. All it is is each of them are just telling you

what's happening in the movie. There's no character. We get to the end of this movie and we're starting to build the character of Jigsaw right towards the end. But other than that, there's no character.

They're just like, oh, this is happening, and this is what was happening, and this is what will happen. It's just not set exposition. And Jigsaw begins is the most interesting part of the movie. Exactly.

This movie does have some flashbacks of him, like, in person, like, killing someone for the first time, and boy, you realize that is the direction for this shit to go, because Tobin Bell's an awesome actor and seeing him, like, actually putting a thing on someone's head is chilling, and he's doing a great job, and it's like 67 seconds of this movie.

But imagine if it was an ugly doll. How about that? Here's me, a talented actor. What if he replaced it with my voiceover and an ugly doll on a tricycle? Yeah, it should be a point that he is a very old man. not only did he send the tape, the death tape

in his stomach on mini tapes that, like, why not just put like a thumb drive? Look, you know what? Because I bought a fucking gross of those tapes and I'm getting my money's worth. Back in 1992, I just got, I got to the first Costco

and I bought a rail of them. I mean, it's actually crazy, Chris Gavin. That is a great point because the people who make those little handheld voice recorders must go through the roof when they find out a new saw movies in production.

Like, holy shit, Christmas bonuses again! Because there's like 12 of these tape recording devices in this movie. I thought you meant like America goes crazy for them and starts buying them and like...

Oh no, we're not that fucking stupid. You're leaving your wife, do you want to play a game? It's Christmas. Find your Christmas present. You're leaving those little tapes that say play me and no one has a cassette back. The fuck am I going to do with this? So we start again, because the movie

starts about two to three times. This time we're starting. starting in a warehouse where Dina Meyer was killed in Saw 3 and we're discovering the body. Yeah. And they send this little robot out there, this adorable little robot. Love this guy, dude. Does he even name?

I don't know, but he starts like streaking blood. And I just kind of feel like that robot got traumatized. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, he's seen all those rusted gears. It's like, there's another, there's these old robots are dying. It's the blood. Wash it off. Wash it off, wash it off, please.

How can I face my wife and kids after what I just saw? Oh my God, they're all in so much pain. Somebody gets some WD40 out here. Oh, my God! I have a drinking problem now. Yeah, he's hitting the oil hard. But even the Lionsgate logo is all rusty and shitty

because Jigsaw just uses crap to make his fucking inventions. Just garbage. And that stupid twisted picture. logo also rusty twisted pictures man the logo that screams your asshole friends bad tattoo I mean but I give it to this because this is a movie where like I feel like this birth the idea of saying twisted this is the most twisted thing I've ever seen it's not extreme but it is twisted it is twist a little bit twisted yeah I think the different like extreme the movie's going over two hours yeah right like terrifier two two and a half hours long

Is that really? Oh, yeah. Like two hours and 20 minutes. I'll see you never terrify her two. Yeah, you want this evil clown movie? What's that? Checks notes longer than The Shining. Got it.

But so, yeah, this is when we meet Lyric Bent, who is like an extra in Saw 2 and kind of sort of in Saw 3. Proof that if you just hang around, man, someday you can star in a Saw sequel. I feel like that's how it happens, right? They're watching the last one, And then they're like, oh, God, who's that guy?

You know what? Let's make the movie about that guy. You know what? He looks good to me. It's wild, though, because it just took two movies for that to happen. Like, part two, he's in it. He's Deena Meyer's partner. And I think he has, like, what's that?

Like, that's it. That's the line of dialogue. And now here he is, boom. Two sequels later, star the motion picture. Well, not really the star. Because he disappears through half of it. Yeah, I guess that's true. Well, he's the one being fucked with this time.

Tobin Bell is the star. He's the big name over there. But we should start where it starts, where there's a fella with his eyes shown shut. Oh, right. And a fellow with his mouth shown shut. Sure, this is like the first challenge of the... Yeah, sort of...

Well, this is like, it's not challenge. Oh, you didn't win the immunity pin. You've got to go inside. Art Blank, I didn't give you a rose this week. Enjoy the trip. that would be great dude if that's how you knew like jigsaw was coming after he

he was like a rose was put down combined the bachelor which is also kind of a sawtrap anyway with this franchise it's just a different kind of sawtrap where you live but also throw your life away yep but he's got these two dudes

one of which is art blank who's is like we find out later is like his friend and then there's this other like bald fat guy which I imagine is also his friend from like his fantasy football league kind of a thing? Yeah, it's Art, Bell, and then Frank.

Yeah, you were ahead of me in the draft, and you took the quarterback I wanted, so this is why you're here. This dude's all excited, probably, right? He's like, oh, man, John Kramer invited me over to his house. This is great. I get to meet him in person.

What? Oh, God, we're going to get to go to a mausoleum, yes. Do you remember when you were supposed to come over my house for the Super Bowl, and you were late? I'm going to sew your fucking high show. Yeah, that's Super Bowl part. was very important to me

and I bought all this ice and what am I going to do with it now? You'll see. You put olives into guacamole. You're going to die now. You should die for that. What are you talking about?

Yeah. See, we got a couple of the jigsaws up here. I texted you to, you texted to say you were running late and that I should pause it on TiVo. Well, let me tell you something.

It's the fucking Super Bowl. You don't pause it. I don't get, or the Stanley Cup finals. Yeah, there you go. You don't pause game seven of the Stanley Cup finals. Go Leaves.

Yes. Go local stuff. Cronenberg. Go Cronenberg. There, I know something. Wow. Look at that. There we go. What would have to happen to your friend that you'd sew his goddamn eyes shut, though?

You know what I mean? Like, you guys were buddies. Maybe he won last year. Okay. Oh yeah, he was in like jigsaw was in two points away from winning the, I don't know, what, $100 gift card to fucking Harvey's. And then Frank came in and just stole it out from under him?

That's mine. This is giving me ideas to show your eyes shut, Chris. Oh, really? For all the winning you do. Thank you for saying such normal things to me on stage. If you did that to him, then it would have to be, if you're mimicking this, you've got to sew your mouth shut, motherfucker, that's true.

But then all these people will be deprived of my genius. You almost got through it. It's okay. So it's like a see-no-evil, speak-no-evil thing, and they just start, like, rasseling each other a little bit. Which is kind of fitting, because this big dude,

he kind of looks like Kane without the mask on. Yeah, he does. A little bit, yeah. And, like, he puts a hook at his back because he's got a key, and, like, I don't know. It's best not to try to explain these too much, but it's a weird, like, chain tug-tug-of-war kind of thing. How stupid are these traps?

All of them are like, yeah, the gears are going to turn, and that's going to turn something. something, I guess I'll attach hair or a chain do it. It's just not very creative. I'm a genius engineer, by the way. Look, first of all, fellas, this man is suffering from terminal cancer. Sure. He is on a deadline to make all these traps for all these people

because it is quite an involved game we're playing. He's also recording hundreds of hours of audio tape. Totally. All day long. Bitch, get a fucking intern. Johnny Smith, give me my tea. he's also like filming what non-stop videos of the little doll going around in the little tricycle

that's okay listen that is the part I want to see because the way I get it in Bass studio that he might have yes because by the way RIP Bass he just ate shit listen though you just inspired something in me because if you were watching those like behind the scenes like okay now this little part here I'm going to put a little spiral on his cheek that's kind of cute right I imagine it's what it was like

being on set of that Guillermo del Toro Pinocchio where he's just like he's getting in there with all those fine details like oh and Pinocchio's gonna have a hand that looks like this the craft of Guillermo de Toro is equal to that of jigsaw what I'm saying here yeah they do a quick reel of it and like the little doll doesn't move at all

but there's 17 people moving all around in the background fixing this and that we had a team of 17 VFX artists for it to sit in the fucking tricycle and do nothing We actually got the same team that did Fantastic Mr. Fox. I'm pretty happy about that. Wow, that's a get. What are you guys working on now? Some serial killer shit.

I don't know what it is. We just go to his house and move a doll. Look, it's just a gig, all right? Not all these things got to be art. You got a tape measure, you can do the job. He said we can take home the tricycle when we're done. So now, like, lyric bent, blah, blah, blah. He finds Dina Meyer.

He's very traumatized by that. He's like, his buddy Hoffman is like, hey man, go home to your wife. and, you know, take a couple days off, you know, you're working too hard. And because I'm saying you're working too hard, I'm secretly jigsaw and I'm going to fucking kill you. That's how it goes. That's what work buddies do, right?

He's also very mad that you're not supposed to go through an unsecured door. Okay, I'm going to use that. And one day, I'm going to make a trap for you to go through an unsecured door. And I told you so. I think, though, because there's all this planning involved, I have to think it's the other way. Like, he knows he's going to tell him,

to go through a door at some point, but he's just waiting for the right moment. And thankfully, they do go on this raid where he does, like, kick through a door and, like, they get in and he gets reprimanded and whatnot. But if it was just, like, a boring week on the force and he's just, like, going into the break room or something,

and then Costas Mandilor to get this fucking game going, has to be like, hey, when you go on the break room, you better watch it when you open that door. That's the theme of the movies, doors. It is such a roundabout way to teach someone at work a lesson. The big one later. The dangers of doors.

They're very dangerous, and almost as dangerous as the traps. Sometimes a door opens when you push it, but sometimes you have to pull it. And other times, it's not even labeled. Well, Jerry, you never held the door open for me, so now you're going to have a bear trap on your face. Oh, now it's Andrew Jupinus Jigsaw. But he gets sent home to his wife, who you have to be really careful not to get any moisture on this character. because this cardboard will wilt. There's just, there is nothing to this lady.

She is just like, but there's nothing to anyone. I love you, you are my husband. Please work harder at being my husband. Goodbye, movie, goodbye. I have to go to mother. Thank you for this very deep role. Am I done now? Can I go home?

But all he has to do is go with her? Like, fuck work, man. Well, no. And now it's like a home improvement joke, right? Because it's like, oh, I'd rather go through a jigsaw puzzle then visit my mother-in-law. I know that's across the lake, but that's what they do in Michigan.

Yeah, you guys know that piece of shit, right? He's right there. Sorry, sorry. See, it starts, and then you just... It takes a second. Yeah, I got to practice it. But, yeah, so he just was like, I'm not going to go... He's worried about his buddy, Donnie Wahlberg, Eric Matthews.

Correct. Yeah, who has been missing... You're just in general booing Donnie Wahlberg, which is, it's completely fine. Yes. I thought you were booing that the character's name is Eric Matthews, which is also the name of the asshole from Boy Meets World. Yes. Which is very confusing. Yeah, yeah.

But he's been missing for six months because I think Jigsaw has just been like, I don't know what I'm going to do with that guy yet. Just keep my ice. Like, you know what I'm planning some stuff. Maybe something will come around. The tossing of the food is just so ridiculous. And it's just obviously this sloppy trash. Yeah. Well, considering all, I mean, he's got two major things happening at once.

It must be like, well, you know, I got a Wednesday, Thursday free. I guess I could kill somebody in there. You know, I'll get a quick, you know, maybe just put a few spears through somebody. Maybe that'll be, that's a trap, right? That's a kind of a trap. Look, I already said he's got a shit ton of traps to devise for this whole thing. They're not all going to be aces. And he's at home just making tapes in as if or in case of.

So it's just like, hello, Ron. Hello, Tim. Hello, Jeffrey. Hello, Amanda. All right, now wait a second. I'm getting a little horse. Do you think you have the hello? All right, good.

Jeff. Amanda. Frank. Alyssa. You are a bad father, a bad mother. A bad tipper. Well, eventually, down the line, he's just going, You know what you did.

That's the way to do it, dude. Eventually, you just have to get there. You can't be doing all this nuance. Yada, yada, yada. You're saving him so much fucking time, dude, because listen, if you go up to someone and you say, I know what you did, that person knows what they fucking did too.

And listen, everyone has done something. And probably whatever they did is probably worse than what you're actually killing for. Like, other, taking your beer when it had like a sip left, that was what you were going to, get killed for. Yeah, there's a trap in your future for that. Deepest, fucking darkest

fear was. So, saw ten will open with a trap where he's like, hey, you, you know what you did. And now, you're going to get it. Whatever it is, you're going to get it. There's like tons of awkward edits. That's a copy and a paste

and a copy and a paste, and a copy and a paste. Oh, good, I got so much work done today. Now I do have a weekend. but Lyric Bed goes to sleep and then when he wakes up someone's in his house and he gets kidnapped into his... Are you still kidnapped if you're in your own house

and you remain in your own house? Is that even an abduction? That's just moving you around. Yeah, I mean, he got knocked out. He got knocked out. It's just trespassing, right? Yeah, you got it. Salt, yeah, just underlying. The wife gets out of there and you never see her again And it's got to be really insulting

because especially after Lyric Bent getting to be like one of the bigger characters in this movie and you look at the track record most of the supporting people in these movies come back for at least two or three of these fuckers this poor lady, one and done. You got Saw 4 and that was it. Sorry, piece of cardboard.

Lucky. But now he is, it's like, hey, you've been overzealous at work. Welcome to hell, bitch. Yeah, men who is constantly saying like just take a vacation dude don't make me saw you and he's just like no

I'm going to get sawed and it's like well that's I mean that is the whole his whole thing stop doing your job that's what Jigsaw wants him to do is just Cherish your life your life well I don't know Jigsaw we got to keep the fucking lights

on somehow man and this is my job I'm sorry that's why you shit on the company dime cherish your life your life So, Jake, so I was like, all right, man, you want to save these cops. You have 90 minutes to save these cops. And at that point, you're like, oh, cool.

So the movie can't have that much more left to go, because it's only like 93 minutes. Yeah. And about 15 have passed at this point. Thank God. Dude, the way that this guy is like globetrotting this movie in 90 minutes, this all better be on the same fucking block. You know what I mean? Like his apartment, the warehouse, and the porno fucking.

hotel, all up the street. That porno hotel, you need a fucking time machine to get to that place, though, and we'll get there. Yeah, basket case is up there, the driller killer, too. The New York Ripper, he's fucking around there. Everybody's having fun there. But he's got some blonde lady in a trap

because she's a sex worker and welcome to die in town. Gotta get punished. It is a weird, what are we saying, movie? What exact? There is, I will say, something, something possibly some trafficking involved. Right, I guess this is a shot with a younger girl.

She's, like, forcing into her car. So, you've been grooming, and you over there, you participated in CRT. You taught people about Abraham Lincoln, and for that, you have to die. Hello, Jeff. You told your third grade class that America was founded on stolen land. Now, you're going to get sod. You have an all-gender restroom, and that drives me fucking nuts for some reason. you're going to get sod

somehow that bothers me that everyone can use a fucking bathroom vote jigsaw Florida Governor 2024 he's going to win he's going to sweep it but yeah so she's

in this contraption where it's her ponytail is getting twisted up and she's going to get scalped ouch I mean this is one time where I felt like I actually connected with the movie

because this guy the hair is being pulled, and all you would need is a pair of scissors. And what happens? You can't find a pair of fucking scissors when you need them. You can't do it. You should have, like, chewed it or something, right? Yeah. That's what, dude, I was like, just get in there and start

biting that ponytail. Like, munch through it like a chipmunk or some shit. It's going to be hard to get through, but you could do it, right? Yeah, he should be looking at his drawers like, we do. It's like, fucking duct tape gift card, duct tape, gift card. So when he fucking Harvey's gift cards in this drawer. All right, just sit here.

What I'm going to do is, I got some matches. I'm just going to burn your hair off. Yeah, that would be great. He does have a gun at one point, and this is an American motion picture, so we've got to shoot a gun at a machine. And he's firing at these fucking gears, and I'm like, all right, man,

I don't know if this is going to fly. And then it's almost as if you can hear jigsaw, there's no voiceover, but you can almost imagine. He's like, uh, uh, uh, if you shoot it, it's going to go faster for some. he said, it's actually fooled, it's actually, it's actually fueled by bullets.

My gadget just ate all your bullets somehow, now it goes faster. You know, it's because I was on the cover of engineering today, I'm just that good. I'm just that good. Oh yeah, dude. He has all sorts of accolades before he becomes a serial killer. I want the

ephemera from this movie. I want those magazines. I want like, because it's, it's like three or four different cover stories on John Kramer. I want a, like a prequel rom-com, him with Jill Saw, which we'll get to this lady Jill. His beloved wife, Jill Saw.

Jill Saw. Them meeting, you know, the beautiful little dates, his career going really well, and they're like, yeah, we're going to open that health clinic. And it's just them having a great time and then the movie ends.

You know, it's before everything that happens that sets him off. At the end, he's like, oh my God, you're pregnant? That's amazing. Baby, this is going to be the best day of our lives. Celebrate good times. Come on.

You know, Jill, before tonight, I never danced in public. I was so thrilled thinking about our future and what's to come. I didn't mind cutting a rug at this roadside bar. Here's the problem, though. You'd then have to watch Tobin Bell kiss someone. Yeah.

Oh. Which is, I know what I mean? Someone's got to want that, right? I mean, that might be interesting. He has no lips. He's got a top. tongue that can work, though. Dude, he'd get in there.

In there. Okay, but do you think, all right, do you think he ever came to bed for Jill Saw in the fucking dummy makeup? Oh, nice. Hey, I just want to try something. This is doing anything for you?

I look beautiful. John, the pig mask is not working for me. They're going to take that one right off. Mainly because it's not much of a mask. It's a real face of a pig that you got from somewhere and stinks to high heaven. So he gets her out of the trap

by solving a puzzle, and then like she's in her own jigsaw trap wherein if a cop saves you, he's going to arrest you so you have to kill him. And again, like, how much time could you get for sex work? Like six months? Like, just, you're going to murder this guy?

Dude, it's less time for killing a cop, I'll tell you that much. That's goddamn right, yeah. But he just winds up murdering her. He throws her into the next scene. Oh, can we talk about the transitions, please? Oh, my God. It's so fucking stupid. Oh, my God.

No, they're not. And that's quite enough. Well, that's in someone's opinion. He thinks it's sick. And it is because it's gross. No, it's twisted. This isn't produced by sick picture. No.

It's a Darylund Boozman. It's very home improvement-esque, actually. It is, actually. Oh, you are right. Because we don't do, we're not going to do like a Star Wars wipe or nothing classy like that. It's like she gets thrown through this mirror and on the other side of the mirror is the next scene. And it's just that Mandelaar guy, and I thought he was going to say, could you, someone picked that up? There's a body here.

It's a bloody lady. Everybody, you got a janitor even? That's where you pull the line from Groundhog Day and you just say, yeah, just put it anywhere, pal. This corpse. Morons, your bus is leaving. Yeah, meanwhile, yeah, Constus Mandelor gets kidnapped himself or so we think.

Mm. I had to watch this movie three times for me to figure this shit out. Twisted. And, yeah, he winds up in this bizarre scenario with Donnie Wahlberg, we're on a seesaw, and Donnie Wahlberg is standing on a big block of ice. There's a big block of ice.

there's an electrified panel on the other side where a coast is supposed to be and when this thing mounts it's supposed to tip over and electrocute him while he goes over the burner and I think here's the thing is like with these traps it's like the electric chair one is fake to begin with we find out later and Donnie Walberg's the ice thing we'll get to

which is amazing it's the best part of the movie it's the best part of the franchise yes but you're led to believe his whole trap here is like a chain means being hung by a chain I know it's Jake Saul's later work but I think he could do a little better It's all about simplicity at that point Eric You know it's down to the fundamentals

Back to my roots I'm doing acoustic on this one Hey you, you're gonna get it And by get it I mean just get shot with a gun I don't know I'm out of ideas I'm really lazy How about a doll that laughs I don't know I saw it on the Joker's cartoons

I don't know All right here's what's gonna happen I'm gonna spill some soda on the floor and then you walk by it and slip and fall. Is that anything? It's the fucking fourth song movie. If you take too long to get there, it'll be sticky, and you'll feel weird on your shoes.

That's something, right? When you try and open your door, it's going to be heated by a weird thing, and you'll have a branded M on your hand. Do you give up, or are you thirsty for more? Good luck getting through that window because I place some Christmas ornaments on the floor. I'm up here, you?

the horse's ass. Oh, what's that? Paint can. Paint can. Paint can. Uh-oh, the mafia's in here having an argument. Wait, I made my family disappear because I'm a miserable fucking piece of shit.

Dude, and then you have Kevin McAllister and John Kramer celebrating Christmas together, and you call it two miserable fucks. Merry Christmas, Kevin. A whole cheese pizza just for jigsaw. I'm going to kill that old man when there's a shuffle.

Oh, you had an argument with your son. Welcome to your game, old fuck. Buzz your girlfriend, say. She'd look good in one of my traps. So that's all happening. That's happened. It sure is. What's the second one?

He goes to the motel? This is when he goes to the motel. And there's this really, heavy guy, and he's wearing a thin white tank top. Of course he is. And he plays a serial rapist, and it's like, weird. Do you tell your family you got cast in Saw 4

or no? I feel like no, right? No. Gerald, did you get that role you were going out for you? It's telling us all about the interview. No, no, no. And never watched that movie, Mom. You kept saying how you were going method with it. Oh, man. Sorry, I apologize.

That's more of a United States joke. Sorry. The Harold, we saw the movie. Your dad loved it. He thought it was just a home run. He loved all of it. He thought it was hilarious. Especially when you die.

But these like flop house motels like this? They don't exist, right? Is there anyone, is there in Toronto? Is there a place? You do have some of these here? Oh. You still have the basket case motel kind of places here? Yeah, that's cool.

You could take a prostitute there for an hour? Yep. Wow, what a town. We might, no, we're not going to move here, but... We'll think about it. We'll talk about it. So he goes upstairs, and there's a pig mask for him there, and it's like, oh, we're going to play another game. Because you have to be anonymous, yet you just walk through this whole fucking place with your face out.

This is so fucking stupid, okay? The tape is like, you better put this pig mask on when you kidnap that front desk clerk, because there's cameras everywhere, and I was like, the cameras filmed him coming into the, hotel before he played your dumb tape. So this doesn't make any sense but please continue soft forward. Also you immediately took the thing off like immediately

as soon as you get in the room. So maybe... I don't know why we can't at least see like the kidnapping scene of this guy because all it is in like classic soft fashion you don't see any setup like this. The door opens he pulls a gun on this guy like the manager and then it like they did that like the stupid

shaky cam and then it just cuts and then the dude is in the the room. I'm like, give me, you know what, your movie's 92 minutes, make it 93, and show me that dude getting pulled into the room. Well, that, I mean, that's the problem. These movies were made under, what, like, 10 or 11 month period? They were just like, immediately, get the next one out. It's like Woody Allen movies in the 90s. Every year, it's got to be a new one. That guy had some sawtraps of his own. He should be in a sawtrap, dude. That's the guy. I would be into that. That I could get into. Oh, wow. This big aquarium full of knives is

around my head. Uh-oh. You made a movie with Jason Biggs. I think that's kind of enough, don't you? Are you sure that this clarinet festival isn't that dusty old warehouse? I better go inside and investigate. It's weird.

There's a theater in the city that wants to play my new movie. It certainly looks abandoned out here. Oh, so you're a fan of crimes and misdemeanors, huh? I can take care of the first part. Yeah, I've just cut off your legs. Match point. There you go.

Man, yeah, that's not. But so this guy, he's like a serial rapist we find out. We have to watch him do it, obviously. Yeah, he's got his pants on for it, though, which is interesting. You know, just show his ass. What is an R-rated movie? I mean, I don't know, man. I'm not going to die on that hill, dude.

I'm fine. I want to see that big tuckus. Yeah, that's fine. The faster the movie gets through this scene, the better. You were just saying it should be longer. Not this particular part, the other part. All right, well, I guess different opinions. Just a real-time version of this one scene.

That's Eric's dream version. So, like, there's all these, you know, photos hanging all over the room from this dude's crime scenes and whatnot, and it's a design to make our friend Lieutenant Rigg mad, like, oh, this jigsaw's fucking right, actually. and so the whole thing is like this guy has to point a gun at him and get him into chains on this bed

it's getting like weird and weird like this dude is in his underwear he's getting chained up and you're like hey saw four you about to take some chances or what but nah this pig just gets pulled apart like all the rest it's like this thing it's like

oh if you shoot your eyes out or whatever gouge out your own eyes and you'll live and if you don't the rest will take care of itself So he does one, and then he just gets ripped apart, which is fair. I mean, these games are rigged, man, honestly. It's sort of like a certain game I know. Yeah, I know.

You're like jigsaw. You just don't want to admit it. The best is the dude, like Eric said, gets one of them into his eye, and you see, like, he has 60 seconds to do both of them, or else, you know, boomtown. And you, like, can't hear it because the terrible score is just eating everything in its path. but the guy's yelling at he's like I just have one more

I can do it he's like psyching himself up and then his legs and arms just get ripped off instead well that's what the movie would like to say but what really happened I think because you see him with the other one

and it looks like his hand is on the buzzer I think Kramer made a shitty made a shitty trap Oh I think and What?

Is that some sort of fan theory Is it? That's amazing They might be right. They might be right. We see him on his first attempt later in the film, and it does hilariously fall apart. Ficked up. Completely fucked up.

Terrible. Sorry, man. That's on me. You did... You got through the trap. I'm sorry you're dead and ripped apart. That shouldn't have worked that way. You know what? I'm going to make sure I'm... I'm not going to trap any of your family. Okay? I'm just going to tell you that right now.

We're done for now. Hey, uh, nobody bats a thousand, man. Nobody. Here lies that guy. he beat jigsaw's trap. I'm going to put it on the epitaph. Yeah, I'm in charge of getting your tombstone made. Why not?

Why not? Fair enough. Why not? So the next thing is he's going to a school. Meanwhile, the guy from Gilmore Girls is wearing a hat that has hair on it, which we'll call... That wig, dude, is really something. It's something else, man. Well, that's why he had the hat in Gilmore Girls.

Yes. It's just he had to... Now, I never saw Gilmore Girls. He played Luke the diner owner. Is he like getting it or something? He's like, he's banging the older one. He's banging the girls. The mom. Not both the girls, Eric.

The mom. The elder girl. What, the grandma? He's banging the grandma? Oh, no, Laurelis. Middle. Granny Shaker? There's three Gilmore girls on that show.

That's the twist. I've never seen a second of it, but it sounds pretty erotic. You wish. It's probably one of the least erotic television shows ever produced. I'm just saying he's banging a lady. Yeah, but it's, you know, it's all like cutesy shit. Not full pen. No one's getting railed.

And yes, Chris Cabin, no full pen. No full pen. Just so they know. You know what? Don't bother seeing it. No full pen. You're like outside the theater. Like people are online and get, hey, I don't want to spoil nothing.

No full pen. It's fake sex, everybody. They're not really fucking in there. Worthless. So he winds up, he's like on the trail of a movie is his journey. Because he like takes John Kramer's ex-wife who we will be calling Jill Saw this entire time

and starts interrogating and he's like, give me a motivation, give me character. I fucking swear to God Jill Saw, if you don't give me a reason to get this movie started in two seconds. Who is this guy? This guy that we've been following for four fucking movies. Who is he? I need to know. Dude, is a big problem with character motivation

throughout this movie. What is Mandelor's fucking motivation? What is anyone's fucking movie? With these movies, oh dude, you'll find out in like two and a half movies. Don't worry about it.

It's, you know, probably something not that big of a deal. Not enough to turn you into a serial killer anyway. Probably not. But that's also, you're going back,

like if you can do full minority report, you can have ten screens and then you can see what, oh, well, that was happening there. Oh, so that took four more movies. So the only way to fully understand this franchise is to watch the movies

like it's the fucking NFL network's GoLine channel. Picture and picture. This is all the games at once. That sounds right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So he's interrogating her.

We see a nice scene where Jigsaw is like, John Kramer at this point. It's like, look at this workshop that I'm going to do nice things in. Look at this wonderful, nice little workshop I get here. She'll make all sorts of fun toys. You know what? I made something for our infant son. A creepy as fuck doll.

Dude. And here's the thing. This like, like, you know, early version of this. Timmy the puppet. Billy, pardon me, oh my God. Billy. Billy the puppet, right? It's like kind of cuter,

but it's still the jigsaw puppet, which is to say completely inappropriate for children. I would like to believe... Black, white, and stark red are not colors for children's toys. That's just true. No, that's the color of the swastika.

Exactly. I would like to believe that this is just the cuter one because the doll hasn't aged yet. Over the years and grows older with him, and therefore it becomes more That's beautiful, because now it's his son. Yeah.

Oh, see that... That's a fucking awesome movie, right? Away there, Billy. You're not breastfeeding enough. Dude, no, and then you... It's a movie about jigsaw, and he's raising his little puppet baby, right? And it's called Sonokio. I wish you were a real boy.

I'm going to trap the blue fairy and make sure that happens. And then he, you know, due to supernatural, you know, fiddling... Uh-huh. becomes a real sentient boy but he still looks like the doll and then boom there you go another hundred million dollars you're welcome twisted pictures

might as well because without coming to life that doll is scary precisely one time in the first movie and everything after that you are laughing at this thing

every time I'm just like oh this motherfucker and the movie doesn't want you to be laughing the movie wants you to be like oh my god like fucking citizens reacting to Godzilla Oh, he's back. Oh, my God, it's back.

It's Ryan the Tricicle again. And I got to tell you the other thing, too, about you get farther away from that first movie. Billy the Puppets' play gets lessened as these movies go on. This movie, he appears in one scene. He burps in a woman's face, and that's the end of it. Well, because, Andrew, he gets new puppets, you see. Amanda is his puppet.

Oh. You see, he has a bunch of people working under him. And we're going to find out about a new puppet at the end of this. Because you are reading this movie. the way nobody should bother reading these movies. Honestly, could have used more Amanda in this as a huge huge Becker fan.

They keep killing these fuckers off. They're all dead. She died in another movie? She died the third one, yeah. Oh, cool. Well, they'll bring her back. Don't worry. But there's that one,

not to spoil anything, I guess we are spoiling anything, but. Oh, not to spoil anything. Mandelor sends her a goddamn letter and, you know, it's like a flashback, I guess, because everyone's dead already or whatever.

Yeah. And she starts having like an orgasm reading it. I just thought it was a nice scene for her. So it happens to you when you get fan mail. Yeah. Yes. So his wife is pregnant and they are running this clinic together because John Kramer's a good guy at this point. You know what I mean?

And like, this is a health clinic. See, it's the world who ruined him. It wasn't that he likes making traps and killing people. The world was too bad for him. That's right. And there is this guy Cecil that's caused it a bit of trouble at the health clinic. and then all of fucking six foot three of Tobin Bell goes up and goes like, hey man, what did you fucking cool it?

Dude, the scariest part of the movie to be completely honest with you. You do not want that dude getting in your face. The Cecil guy's like, what's your problem? He's, you're my problem. It's honestly the most bone-chilling moment of the film. Tobin Bell is good. Make him more part of these fucking movies.

I don't need the doll. I don't need the tapes. Here's how you could have combined it, right? He dies in that last movie and then you just pull a fucking Chucky, okay, and he goes into the... His spirit goes into the doll. And he can, you know what?

Honestly, a spirit of this man going into the doll and the doll becomes sent and walks around and it talks exactly like Jigsaw, more fucking believable than this dying cancer patient having all this time to build all these traps, coordinate this whole thing. The choreography, the supply purchasing, Absolutely not.

You know, getting apprentices, it's a lot. Instead, yeah, I suck the devil's dick and now I'm an adult. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Economic fucking storytelling, folks. All right. You're in and you're out.

All right. So what do you think the devil, is the come white or red? All right. What do you think? All right. It's fire. It's just fire.

My man is spitting fire. So he, winds up. So, like, he's going to pick up his wife at the clinic. This clinic, which is in, like, what we're going to guess is not a great part of town, he's just like, yeah, baby, I'm going to be in the car doing a fucking crossword bustle. You can just

lock up by yourself. Yeah, you know, it's time for my Sauducu. Oh, no. Oh, I love Sawduku. That's a good one. That's funny. Because he's just like, they're just like fiddling around some ladies, like, hey man, you want

a good time. You're a beautiful girl. That's a health clinic. Goodbye. It is the oddest exchange of the film. He's like, hey, you're a beautiful woman. You know what that building is? It's a health clinic. Now, why don't you go home?

Can you give me some food, please? That's a health clinic. That's a health clinic right up there. Thank you, Chris. It's a total NPC dialogue. Try again. Press X. You're back again.

Yeah, that's a health clinic. You should go home. That's where the next mission is. I'll see you at the fair later. and so she's locking up by herself and Cecil comes in and he wants to score some drugs he pulls a knife on her and oh that's a big scary thing

he like leaves her alone in a vestibule it's a really tight vestibule and you're watching this movie the first time like oh shit he's going to stab her and she's going to lose the baby or heaven forbid like some horrible attack happens this woman he just kind of bops her with the door like on the way out like

Just a doorbop. It's a doorbop. It is a doorbop. It's a horrible thing. It's a miscarriage, but like, it's a total accident. A total accident. Yes. It's like...

This could happen at McDonald's. Like, you know what I mean? If you're trying to get in and someone else's leaving... The force with which this happens, right? It's like, if Chris and I were at, like, a concert and we're kind of grooving, right? And then I just was like, oh, sorry, man. That's what happens. And then she's like, ah!

Well, he must have come through that door like a front. freight train then. I guess so. But that door opens out, you got to give it some room. They've got to give it some room. I just can't believe Jigsaw's just shitting around in the car outside

while your wife is closing up the shop or whatever. My baby takes the morning train. And also for her, like she's being, you know, this guy comes in with a knife. It's scary. Go outside. Why are you standing in the vestibule for?

That part, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you about that part. You should have put her in a trap for standing there too long. six, four. Oh, but there's already four in that row. Fuck. Oh, God, damn it.

What was that noise? Anyway, the seven goes there. I thought I heard the distinct sound of a door bop. Oh, I'm going to have to build a trap for Jill now. It's got to be special. It's got to be really special, though. Maybe it's going to have hearts all over it. It's for our anniversary.

He has to have been making traps before, or like, wanting to make traps. He never had, like, you know, never went over the edge. Yeah. Like, he's in traffic, like, oh, I'm going to fucking trap all these sons of bitches. How about this? You better move. I'm going to trap everybody. Calm down, John.

John, it's cool. Yeah. Remember your steps? A prequel where he's like 15 years old killing squirrels. Well, yeah. This guy's got experimented with animals written all over him. Definitely, definitely. So she loses the baby.

It's very sad. And this is when libertarianism begins because he's just like, charity is bullshit. No more health clinics. Let's fucking murder. people. Helping people is bullshit. I mean, that is literally what he tells Lyric Ben

is like, you have to learn to stop helping people. You know what? If somebody's on the floor, you kick them right in the stomach. You need to learn how to stop helping people, the serial killer said to the American cop. Pretty interesting.

So that's like sort of what's going on and like, yeah, he's you know, this is happening being told in many installments. Thing about this, one of the most unsettling parts about this hospital scene, right? It's a lot of like, I mean,

there's no dialogue here because it's all fucking voiceover and he's like holding her hand and then you see him like make the decision like, traps. Yeah, traps. And he stands up and whatever. He throws out his watch,

which means nothing. Absolutely. I mean, well, he decided I guess that he hates any kind of timekeeping. He destroys a clock later in the film. Right, he's got that, I guess someone sold him a bill of goods

because he's like, you see that clock over there? Yeah, that's 5,000 years old. Well, yeah, he's trying to get his wife hot with a clock. He's like, honey, you see this clock here? Yeah, 300 years old. See this baby here? It runs still. Can you believe it?

It runs. This was Elvis Presley's clock. The guy at the store told me. Yeah. And every time it chimes, I have to eat a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Ooh, look, he signed it on the back. Elvis Presley's a good clock. has a signature on the back. I don't think

it's supposed to look like that, though. Dennis Ferguson? That wasn't Elvis's name. Not the real one. No. But yeah, so like she loses the kid and it's very sad and jigsnav becomes despondent. He starts wearing this black track suit, which kind of looks cool. Oh, you

just reminded me where I was going with the other thing because the most unsettling part of that hospital scene, he's wearing like this fucking totally disgusting brown jacket, some like bad early 2000s jeans and then for whatever reason, a tuxedo shirt. Oh, really? It's a totally, like, frilled tuxedo shirt.

You can see the French cuff is there. Really, really confusing costume choice. I want to wear the puffy shirt. Excuse me, do you not get dressed up for the hospital? There's three things I get dressed up for. Social events like weddings and funerals, the opera, and going to the hospital. if it's a steak dinner it's a full suit and tie

you just got to do that every time even at home meanwhile lyric bent has to find this woman and her husband the woman is the victim of a domestic abuse and Jigsaw needs to teach this lady a lesson

oh yeah you're getting fucking trapped for not speaking up this is not a trap it's just like I hope you like I guess I'm going to shove spikes in you well the trap part is like you gotta pull them out also he put that clock up there

Eric. He put that nice countdown clock. That's a nice touch, I think. Great. He's just a lazy asshole. Let's say it. I mean, that's it. The man was ill. I'm sorry for disrespecting him. But the idea is, yeah, they're back to back and like, it's fine for her to pull out the spikes,

but it'll kill the husband because there's like major organs going on or whatever. Yeah, they're sort of like back to back, so he's lined it up that the husband has been pierced at all these, like, you know, arterial points and whatnot. And I guess because it's flipped, you know, she's not having the same thing. So his whole thing is like,

yeah, you can pull the spikes out of both you and he'll die. And your shit'll hurt a lot, but you'll live, but you'll fucking hurt a lot because you didn't tell the cops what was going on. And you're just like,

wait, it's pump the brakes for a second movie. You're dancing on the edge of a knife right now. I want to see the values section in the book of saw. You know what I mean? Like the appendix about what? What are we trying to do anywhere? And you know, speaking of the book of Saw, dude, none of that was in fucking spiral.

No, none of it. Chris Rock didn't say any of that shit. He wouldn't survive anyway, right? It's not like you could, like, just keep those spikes in him and he's just walking around with them. All right, honey, we have to walk back to back for the rest of our lives. Well, I mean, that death is, it's like a bad sequel, right? It's all backstory. Like, you have to read about the pressure points.

And all it is, it's just a bunch of spikes being hung from the wall. wall. That's it. So she kills the husband pretty quickly, but then lyric bent shows up and it's like, you can't help her. It would be wrong to help this woman. Okay. Have a cigarette. Why don't you just sit down to have a

cigarette instead? I want her right now, actually. The book of saw is long and boring. Everybody dies. I don't know what you're doing. magnetic fields for you, right?

There you go. That's why I don't know. Jill saw, I love you so much, I'm going to write 69 love songs for you. Hey, honey, I love you so much for my next trap. They're going to have 69 minutes to get out of it. Remember the trap I said at the San Diego Zoo for all those animals?

So they're dead. Yes, they are, sadly. But this is the funniest crime scene, though. Oh, yes. Because this doesn't happen often in these movies, the totally hilarious accidental murder, where it's like, wow, bonus points. Because all these, like, crime texts are on the scene

and they're, you know, breaking everything down and analyzing and taking photos and whatever. And this dude is just dusting for fingerprints, gingerly on a crossbow. And this thing launches, and you see Gilmore Girls guy grab the partner of his only to have this fucking thing

shoot through the neck of some crime scene photographer and this woman goes down hard she gets like pinned to the chalkboard basically. Pretty much no one gives a shit. No one cares. No one gives a shit. Let's just walk and talk and get out of here.

Who gives a fuck? Could somebody clean this up? They do an errand sorkin out of the room. Like, anyway, I need those reports really important. this woman's like, your colleague is nailed to the wall. Like, they are walking down this hallway and it's like, all right, you promise you're going to tell the president tonight, right? And then the back riding is, we go, what the fuck happened to Sarah?

Oh my God! That was my wife! So anyway, you know, nothing important happened here. We're going to figure out the rest of it, though. Dude, that fucking, that technician should have known better. You should not be dusting for prints. First of all, it's fucking jigsaw. And you can see it's like a loaded...

Spike launcher? It's a loaded spike launcher. Because that's how he got them into them. Which also, I guess, says, like, Jigsaw or whoever set this up, Kostis Mandelor's character. Impeccable aim. The accuracy is crazy

to get through those exact, like, you know, points. I actually, I built the gun, too. I made the, I spears, and I made the gun. I'm good at things. Yeah, you see a guy down at the gun range with a spike launcher, you know? It's a little weird. This is when the agent's,

come across the puppet, and the puppet is like, you guys are getting too close, far too close, a little closer. And this woman's like, let me kiss this puppet. Also, why is it saying her name? I guess because you recorded every name in the book. Hello, Agent Mendoza, Perez, Johansson, O'Reilly.

Oh, this one's going to take all weekend. You know what? Agent Frankenstein. It could happen. All right, wait, wait, we're going to save some time here. Here's a new one. Hey, asshole. that's perfect that should be all of them totally universal what is he from Jersey now

sure that would be a great twist or Boston oh Jersey jigsaw I like the side of it Jersey jigsaw a couple of those Jersey jigsaws were yelling at Ted Cruz

of Yankee Stadium last week well God bless them oh yeah no fucking Heroes of the Bronx that night I love that you guys hate that piece of shit here too it's nice that's super cool

it's nice to be Yeah, it's incredible. Thank you. Thank you for following our politics, which means nothing to you. You know, a grinder. It's a fun side show. A grinder isn't a sandwich. It's a series of gears that actually grinds people.

Yeah. Oh, you called that sub a grinder? You're getting trapped. Yeah, and if you like subs, I'll put you in one and take you underground. Oh, wait, I guess that's Elon Musk's thing, right? Or James Cameron. Oh, right. Oh, you're trapped.

getting out of this submarine that's down by Titanic. So, yeah, so this lady gets like a bunch of shit in her face and starts bleeding out. And this is when the agent is like, finish the story, what happened? That's how I'll know what's going on. Give me more exposition. We are in the second act and nothing has happened.

Please. I need something. Please, please. Just tell me who the main character of these films is. Please. It's incredible. And the woman playing Jill saw, by the way, you've got to hand it to her, man. She's got second wife written all over her, by the way.

There is, like, a first wife that's just like, where are you, you piece of shit? You better not be teakering down to that garage again. Oh, you're going to get trapped, Martha. You're going to get so fucking trapped. Yeah, well, you trap me in this fucking marriage when you fucking ask me to marry me, you piece of fucking shit. Well, there's the first trap was the institution of marriage.

the second trap is when I put you in the car in the garage and leave the door closed you're lazy piece of shit you can't make a creative trap there is a serial killer mastermind living in your building

for a Kramer John you piece of shit did you steal my father's bear traps yeah this is Lorraine Bracco reading for the part of Jill saw Dude, let me tell you something. Lorraine Braco as Jill saw better, more prestigious,

and most importantly, sexier movie, man. Also, that is an on-ramp to turn the entire franchise into Jill Saw. Yes. Without Jill Saw, that's what we need. That's what we need. What to play a game? I'm going to buy a house in Italy's

and you's got to renovate it. You got nothing. 90 days to renovate it. You took my plate away when there was a fleck of meatball left. I might have ate that. You're going in a trap. You know, when I first met John, I saw him rip a fat guy in four pieces, and I have to admit, it turned me on.

I especially love that part in Jill saw one, where they have that amazing long tracking shot, and he's taking her through the back of the warehouse. and they go through the slaughterhouse floor, you know. I mean, you see everything. It's so fluid, man. I mean, the choreography. She's making John Kramer, like, hide his cross

that he has around his neck. Don't do that. I'm from my mom. But, no, his wife is like, yo, dude, I am over. I mean, this is very difficult for me, but I am over it, and I am not trapping anyone. You know what I mean?

I wish those lines were said with that much enthusiasm. Yeah. Because it's a real, like, the dude from Gilmore Girl, is begging this woman for a clue about the movie. And she's just like, no. I don't think so. What was the name of your husband's business?

Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, no. Some of this shit, though, this dude could accomplish through like just good old-fashioned police work. Yes. Because he's like, what's the address of the building John owned? And I'm like, uh. His first building named Gilles.

Gideon, which is he named his son after a building. Yeah. Not just any building, dude, it's Gideon, like, meat processing or some shit. Yeah, you were named after a slaughterhouse. My second son, 1441 Parkway Plaza. I'm expecting a whole family, City Hall, Kramer. City Hall, 1414. Dinner's on.

Yeah, and here's our dog. Route 17 North, New Jersey, Paramus. But this is when, yeah, like his buddy, Art, who while he winds up sewing his goddamn lip shut. Art, uh, Art Blank. Oh, right. Art Blank. We'll fill it in the script later.

Oops. Art blank, brother of Harvey Nothing. Oh, yeah, Art Blank. That's just a placeholder. We'll get to that later. What, the movie's out? Shit, I did it again. Again, damn it.

Yeah, it should be art. Blank. that was you know no never mind let it go what does your middle initial you stand for art uh he uh he's like trying to you know coax his buddy out of depression he's like no man i'm just eating bad pizza and trapping people he's just hanging out in this track suit all the time like he's about to go and eat gaba ghoul with don't soprano well he's grieving now you know so he's comfy

oh actually he is wearing all black it is a morning outfit it is also a for getting some sun out in front of Satriels. It is a morning outfit. It's what the, what was it? Ben Stiller wears to the funeral in the Royal Tenin Bonds. It's a black track suit. But so

instead of doing anything good, he winds up tracking this dude Cecil down. This is, I looked up for the trivia. This is the second scene in this entire franchise that had fucking sunlight in it. Like, can we go outside, please? And get out of these fucking wearer

Four movies, each like, you know, let's say it averages out like 95 minutes long. Sure. Two scenes outside. Good God. What a miserable fucking experience this movies are. Well, you can't do too much else because you would have to imagine as soon as you go out, everybody's talking about jigsaw. These murders have been going on for forever.

The president is sending in fucking special tactical fucking groups to take. care of jigsaw. But is this the birth of, like, the pig mask stuff? Because it's like, oh, yeah, it's the year of the pig. Yeah. I might as well just fucking run with that, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, that's what, like, because it's right, it's like, you know, you watch that first movie and you're like,

oh, man, those pig masks, wow, that's so fucked up. I wonder how he ever came across such an idea. Oh, he went to a lunar New Year parade. Yeah. That's it. He saw other people wearing them and stole one from someone. What an origin story. Was Year of the Pig also part of his weird birthing plan that we don't get to hear, but I want to hear everything about?

Oh, yeah. Jill saw a drop some line where, because like Gilmore Girls guy is like, oh, something, something, and all that stuff about the year of the pig. And she's like, oh, don't even get me started. John ran his life by the Chinese calendar for some reason. And even my pregnancy had to do with the Year of the Pig. And I was like, ah. Jill, my love, I have to ejaculate on the 56th stroke. if it's after that the kid is going to be a loser

I just don't know how I was to tell it to you Jill The kid is going to be a loser So he kidnaps this dude And now he's got him in this fucking chair With a bunch of knives on it And I'm gonna challenge you Andrew Because you said earlier that Tobin Bell's an excellent actor

Did I say excellent? You said amazing or something He is like He's got this guy in this chair And he does not know what to do With his hands or arms Because look this maybe he's going to charge him Steve you don't know

to be fair his character is readying to toss him into the twisted pictures logo the barbed wire next to this come on let's do it you can do it little guy you can I mean look man sometimes that shit is due to poor directing

and I don't know which one it was but let me just say these movies are terrible yes they are Yeah, he just, yeah, he gets this guy on a weird trap. He has to, like, claws his own face off, and then he gets thrown into a bunch of bad boy. Yeah, push his face through a bunch of knives because of what he did to Jill saw.

Shouldn't it be a bunch of little doors? Oh, that'd be nice. You're going to get bopped with door after door, after door. See how you like it. Stand in this doorway. You're going to be screaming, stop the bop. Yeah, because, like, he's, like, bleeding out from his, like, wrists and he has to push his face through these knives

to, like, break the chair to get out. And then he's like, you know, you're going to die to Jigsaw. And Jigsaw just like, well, here's that twisted pictures, Lugge, I'm throwing you in. Again, Eric, I think you're giving the victim a little too much credit here because, so the guy is on,

Knife Guy, who did the bop is in this trap. Cecil, the bopper. Cecil. He is on this trap, and all of a sudden you just see it break. And I just imagine turning to John Kramer be like, it was supposed to that. That's a perfect trap

That was supposed to happen He definitely has that look of like Oh fuck I left out of screws somewhere I mean because this thing collapses Like a Chris Farley sketch This fucking chair goes down And everyone like it is

Maybe the funniest part of the franchise This dude like eat shit And then because he's so You know just angry at Jigsaw He tries to tackle him And John Kramer I gotta say for a sickly man a really swift just shimmy out of the way, and this dude, like a Looney Tune,

falls into this huge box of razor wire. It's that typical John Kramer bullshit where it's like, I didn't kill you, you just fell in that barbed wire I set up. Yeah. Yeah. No, you fucking killed him, John. Uh-huh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, officer, he tripped and fell into the razor wire that I had in the place I took him to. You know what? No, it's boxed in. He pulls that bullshit. Right, like, oh, I don't kill anyone. The traps do, which I, you know, even though I set them up and put them in,

and, uh, well, that's, I bet you that's why you don't see in these other movies, you don't see him putting the traps that often because they are just like, oh, it just happened. You just ended up like this. Not a human didn't do this. The funniest part of this, though, is like when he acknowledges that his trap has failed his first attempt out, he definitely does a like, well, back to the drawing board.

and literally takes out a sketchpad and is like, I think it's supposed to be like the schematics. Like, where did I go wrong? I mean, he's definitely dead, and it was horrible, and he died painfully and screaming, that's fine. You know what, in the future, just spikes, I guess? I don't know. You know what?

I should have done it from the first place. I'm going to get a sturdier chair. That was the problem. It's just the hinges weren't right on that one. That's what I get for taking materials out of the dump yard again. Stupid, stupid jigsaw. You're a fucking idiot.

He's just like yelling at himself in a car. I can't believe you fucked I'd be a stupid fucking idiot. You had to have four whiskey sours last night. You know what? If you didn't have terminal cancer, I would shoot you in the face. It is wild that that whole thing is like a flashback within a flashback, by the way,

because that whole scene is him telling Jill saw what happened in a scene that's also a flashback. Well, theoretically, all of this might be flashback. I forget how it ends, but like... Oh, yeah, you're right. The whole movie is a flashback. All these things are just flashing back. And meanwhile, Lyric Bend does nowhere,

but actually he kind of gets to the end of the movie, which is this big warehouse where they're also filming Saw 3. Ooh, fun times. They're in the middle of filming Saw 3. You said that this is like Back to the Future 2, and it is. Yes. These movies are Back to the Future too, because all of them are like co-current and it's like,

and then suddenly Jeff is here. Oh wow, I'm looking at myself playing guitar on the stage right now. See, but okay, like with Back to the Future too, you know, like the whole thing is like, oh my God, Doc, are you saying we have to go back to 1955? We were just, like, they spell it out. Perhaps too much exposition, but they spell it out. This movie could not give a flying fuck

if you figured out what happened. Yes, every single saw a movie, at least I guess one through four, should just start with like, yeah, it's 2003, I guess. Yeah, it's still 2003. In 2003, again. Fucking hell on earth, man, being stuck in 2003. Oh, man, totally.

Just fucking mission accomplished on repeat, Jesus Christ. But I would have liked it if it took more notes from Back to Future 2 because then you could have like Jeff trying to like out, like hide from post a Mandalorian or whatever his name is. And like just like going around. Because the problem is that nothing, it's all rooms and like talking and then death. And that's it. Because meanwhile, his buddy art is kind of like running. running the trap because he's

like, he's got some weird spider thing on his neck that doesn't make a ton of sense. You know what kind of looks like is that shit that Matt Damon's got on his back and that movie no one saw Elysium? Sure. I'll take your word for it. Yes. You were confused. Eric was confused. Chris saw it.

Pretty good movie. I meant to see it and I never did. You meant to see Elysium but you didn't. Now I'm going to put you in a trap. You should have came out opening weekend. You should have seen Neil Blumphah movie. Right, that's who directed it?

Yes. New Blum Camp? You said that you loved District 9 so much that you would see every movie he made afterwards. Guess not, Eric. Well, turn me into a bug. Oh, Eric Siska, I was an associate producer on that film, and I hold you personally responsible for the box office failure. You're the reason why that he didn't get to do an alien movie. Oh, right, that was going to happen for forever.

It was going to happen. But so Lyric Bent is, the idea is Donnie Wahlberg now has a gun and it's like, you do you, Donnie Wahlberg. You can shoot whoever you want. But I'm letting you know if you can get through the next three and a half minutes, we all get to go home. Because now this is Art Mouth Guy is now like, this is my final thing. I give you the gun. I make sure you stay on the ice block. Because Art is going through his own challenge because we find out he crossed John Kramer.

due to some fucking bad land deal that was going on. I guess some land deal and also that he, like, defended the rapist and some other people? He did defend all the people that were also murdered, so maybe Jigsaw found out about that. But we don't know because in yet another flashback scene, back to that first with the two guys in the chain scene, he goes to play the tape and it's like, hey, art, and then it cuts. And you don't know, you don't know what the reasons are. Another classic Jigsaw fuck up. It's supposed to come before the trap, Jigsaw.

Come on now. Yeah, that's true. They did fuck that out. A piece of shit. So this big climax is incredible, which is lyric band is storming through the door because he's trying to save his best friend.

I always told you not to go through unsecured doors. Remember, the message of this movie is beware all doors. There's a baby and a puppy on the other side of the door. What did you do? When you exit the theater tonight, folks,

keep that in mind. Absolutely. Any door you come across. You've got to watch out for these doors is he going to be a pregnant woman or Donnie Walberg with a gun it could happen When Art gives Donnie Wahlberg that gun by the way

I think Jigsaw like slipped in some dialogue because he's like hey all right so here's the deal art when there's like five minutes left on that timer you got to give him the gun and the bullet and when you give him the bullet you gotta say live or die your choice because the D's like yeah live or die

no yeah it's yours giving him the gun we're going to play a challenge I'll fuck that I fucked that up We're going to play a challenge. Well, that's so funny of having so many of these little messages everywhere. Part of the recording process, this point has to be like, do you want to play a game?

It's not the same game as the person in the room. They're doing their game, and the next person next to you also. It's a different game. These are different rules for your game, and your game is... I forgot. We're back to script. Yes, everyone is in their own game, playing at their own pace, much like a

mahjong tournament or poker contest. Oh, Paul, you wasted your knife. I mean, you wasted your life. Take two on that, take two. Yeah, Amanda, edit that part out. You kept it in. This death tape is brought to you

by AK-47 coffee roasters. If you need your coffee to be a little bit more manly in the shitty way. Honestly, he's recorded more hours of content than we have. It's entirely possible. Chip into the jigsaw, Patreon, if you can.

If you want to see more traps, folks, if you really want to see some more traps. Every month I kill another person, but on Patreon, I'm like. Want to play a game? Well, so would I. And that's why I need you. Listen, I know stuff is rough right now.

That's why you can get help with better help. Also, I'll probably, kill you. You know what? I never use therapy. You know what you should? You know, I've killed about 14 people at this point, but you know what?

I probably wouldn't have if I turned to our good friends, it'd better help. Oh, shit. You know what? I must be crazy because I'm sleeping quite soundly on my Casper mattress. Oh, shit. Guys, I can't believe it. Detective Eric Matthews. Oh, he's

gone too soon. We're re-releasing our episode. Detective Eric So Eric Matthews, who are your guys? Oh, damn, that ice block hit his head. Because that's the part, man. It's a great kill. This is the best part of the movie when those two ice blocks smash his head apart.

It's so, I mean, folks, I can do what jigsaw does, Mark. This guy's head splats like Gallagher. It's a watermelon kill. It's fucking delicious. Oh, my fucking God. Gallagher is not getting an, army together, like him, because it's like, how about we smash his head again?

Let's just smash everybody's heads, guys. You know, I had an argument with Gallagher 2, so it's off. Well, that's his, he is like, uh, Jigsaw. He's got like clones and apprentices and such. But Jigsaw... That was his brother ripping him off. Yeah, Jigsaw appreciates those things. Gallagher 2 was just a con artist.

That's true. Go get me a bigger hammer! His head went flat! He gets splatted like a grave and the lyric bed gets shot in the heart after saying like nine lines as the fucking protagonist's music. Oh, the thing that we didn't mention

is talk about like all this audio that's being recorded and whatnot where they were saving some money who was with the Donnie Wahlberg lines because you hear the exact same take of him no less than four times yelling who the fuck's coming through the door? And it's the, if you listen to it

it's the same tone, the inflections, are on the same syllables every single time. Cheap City. It is so funny. And when his head does get smashed too, he does have this great, like, finally, I don't have to be any fucking Saw movies anymore. I love it.

And neither does Art Blank who gets shot in the head here. Oh, yeah. He's just like, you dumb fuck, you fucked up the challenge and the game and the quiz. And he just gets shot in the head. And then he shoots Art Blank for trying to tell him what's going on. Yes, yes. And then meanwhile, the end of Saw 3 happens,

and I'm like, I don't remember who these players. So here's the way that they show you, though, is like, because it's Gilmore Girls Guy and the other dude, Illyric Bent's character, running towards what, you know, we think is, it is the same building, but I guess it's like different parts or whatever. And the way that they reveal that this is also going,

like, concurrently with Saw 3 is this, like, camera tilt up to reveal Angus McFaiton's character, Jeff. And here's the problem with that is he does indeed just look like the rest of these guys so it's just a guy in a t-shirt running down a hallway

and the way that they... He's like growling. He doesn't even say anything. And the way that they presented though is hysterical because the way that they reveal his face they want the audience to be like it's fucking Jeff.

What is going? Oh, Jeff! I thought Jeff was in the last movie but now he's in this movie. What is happening? He got out of the room. Oh, man, he got out of the room somehow. Oh, I can't wait.

Dude, I've fucking told you. Van Goria had Angus Mitfan set photos, motherfucker. He's in it. I am the only person excited about this. They have him in, like, hazmat gear to, like, not so they can't see him. It's a big secret. He comes across that Agent Peter... Strom.

The Strom man, who we barely know. He comes through the door, and then Jeff's like, I want my daughter! And he gets shot, right? He gets shot. And then now the agent is stuck in the room. And Tobin Bell's body's there because it was, it's taking place with the last movie. Yeah.

And the shit we saw in the beginning doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't happen. And then like we cut back to the autopsy and this guy is listening to this tape like, yes, I will. Because we find out the Costas Vandalor was the guy behind him. Oh, yeah, because that matters. He gets up. He gets in the, like, remember, you know, where you were that first big shock at the end of Saw

when Jigsaw standing up. You thought he was the dead body the whole time. And you, you, it's a legitimate. good twist, okay? You get to this, though, and it's just like the fucking gas gauge is on E, we're below the line, man. Like, none of this matters. Nobody's surprised. Nobody cares.

I'm still trying to figure out who the fuck Jeff is, because I don't care about these movies. Jeff is dead, so we don't have to worry about him anymore. Jeff's dead, baby. Thank God. Jeff's dead. And then what, you know, Mr. Mandalorian just fucking locks Agent Peter Strom in the room.

Yes, in the room. and then it's just like the games will continue in another movie or ten more movies he might as well just look right towards the camera and go see you next Halloween

and then we get a little bit of the da da da da da da da da oh my god I love the jigsaw theme list they think that that theme is like as epic as like the Lord of the Rings shed

or something da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da this has been most of today by the way I watch this movie three times this week. So I am within my rights to go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What is it like to go on tour with We Hate Movies?

Well, it's pretty much like 70% down. There's also Doritos. Yeah. Is that the end of the fucking movie? Yeah, I think so. That's the end of the movie. That's all for everybody. That's it, guys. Thank fucking God.

This fucking movie. So we do have to start wrapping things up here we'd like to thank the brilliant staff of the Royal Theater give them all a round of applause Thank you guys Thank you Royal Theater

thank you just for laughs Yes big thanks for just for laughs And big thanks to all of you for coming out It's very special to us that you are here tonight Yes thank you

It's a lot It's been really special for me to finally be able to return to Toronto I really love this city and I'm really happy to be back here It's a great fucking town and you're great fucking people

so thank you very much now before we get out of here folks oh boy just real quick I mean I know it's our first time here but is this has anyone seen us before live wow nice

so you know then that the only way to end a we hate movies live performance is to check in with our friends who do some of the most best the best in-depth ingenious non-insane writing about movies you can find I'm talking about the IMDB user review section.

So we got a few here for you this evening. Start him off here. 10 out of 10 stars. Subject line, excellent. Oh, okay. Written, I'll tell you this, October the 24th, 2007. This is like a direct from the theater. Oh, nice.

This guy's hands were shaking when he was right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. God. Could you believe Jeff is back? I'd better click the Spoilers Alert button

because I'm writing all about how Jeff is back. Hello, Jeff, indeed. This was another great movie. I loved Saw 4. It was perfect. I haven't seen a great horror film in a long time,

and this movie did it for me. It was a very disdain. Wait, what? Someone just said it in a crowd. That's fucking funny. Well done. That is fucking funny. It was a very disturbing movie,

but that's what Saw is supposed to be. Sure. I felt the filmmaking was incredible with this film. The editing was masterful, which is good to know because the editor is directing the new one. Oh, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. A bunch of fucking garbage words. Dun-da-da-da-dun-da. Blah, blah, blah, blah. The editing was masterful, and the effects were ingenious. Sure. This person wrote indigenous, but don't worry about it. What?

You know, I didn't know CGI blood was indigenous. Yikes. I thought this film was close, if not better, than Saw 3. Well, who the fuck cares? I'll give you that. I'll give you that one. It definitely was much better than... So now remember, I said this was written in 2007. Okay, so we're talking about

Mr. Zombies, Halloween. Says it was definitely much better than Halloween. All right, Chris, settle down. I feel this I feel this film will go down as a great horror classic. I will definitely be the first

to buy this film when it comes out on DVD. You definitely will be. Ba-dom-bom-bom. Boom-bom-bom. Excuse me. Excuse me. Where are the DVDs for Saw 4? I need to be the first one to buy it.

Where are they? You wasted your life buying DVDs. Oh, man. I would be murdered by Jigsaw. You're the only one here in this best buy at 701 on Tuesday. You shouldn't bang on the doors like that. The best boy implies have to do inventory early. I've been telling you about the doors, man.

Come on. I may even go see it again. That's how great I feel this film is. Wonderful job on the film I am very pleased Oh that's good That's great Yeah

Oh that's good Yeah So another one here Another 10 out of 10 stars Look out below Subject line It was great And rocked

Ooh That's interesting Yeah October the 27th You know that movie rocked But it wasn't great Was not great Death rocked

Not great It's not great It's not great It's interesting Also was totally twisted not extreme. It's middle ground. Well, it's that time of year again. Which right away tells you everything that's wrong about this franchise.

And it's time for a new saw movie, and as like always, it was a great movie. Of course. It had all the twists and unexpected stuff in it. I gave him that. I didn't expect much of this. If you're going to make a movie, you're going to want some unexpected stuff to happen. A door bop? They won't see that coming. Put it in the movie. You know, I read the script, and while it is pretty twisted, you got to lose a couple more things, though, to really make a kick.

That stuff was unexpected. There's not enough unexpected stuff, though. I mean, that trap was really stupid and lazy. Wow, I didn't see that coming. I didn't think that the baby doll would be there like that. That's the first doll. and it was even more gross than the first three movies

I don't think I could ever get tired of these movies and as a true horror movie fan I give any horror movie a chance and these are my next favorite after Nightmare on Elm Street so these get the thumbs up by the way there's no periods there's no fucking punctuation

with any of this well he was jerking off while he was writing it too much I know I know it's difficult to kind of get a new bonus finish and then right on the internet. Okay, priorities. He's too excited. You gotta...

So these get the thumbs up for me, and I recommend anyone who likes these movies or doesn't, to go watch this. But watch the other ones first if you haven't, or if you want to have a clue as to what's going on. Let me stop you right there. There's no helping that. You're not going to understand

it. It's all nonsense. Do you like these movies? Do you hate them? Go see it. Oh, you hate all this movie? watch all of them. I am Darylind Bozeman's son. Please go do it. And then just to take a little break

in the review here, they just write, Happy Halloween! And if you don't like horror movies. Wait, what? Okay. And if you don't like horror movies, then this is a good movie to go to with someone to cuddle up with

and get scared, L-O-L. And just have a great day. dating a good time. You know what? I can imagine like taking your girlfriend, your boyfriend or whatever to a horror movie and it being like,

ooh, you know, the classic thing. With Saw, I get the feeling not so because they're not like, it's not like teenagers are banging or anything like that.

It's literally like, take a body, destroy it. Yes. Take a body, destroy it. Take a body destroy. Hey, babe. That puppet dick doing anything for you? See, that's the thing

is Bella Ligosi's not warm in her. up for you, you know? No, that's true you've got to go harder, I guess. You know, maybe if your partner's pretty twisted. I guess. All right, one more here. Okay. Oh, by the way, happy Halloween. I just want to get that. Oh, yes, please. That's my favorite

part. Absolutely, yeah. That's my favorite part when he said it. One out of ten stars. Now you're talking my language. Subject line, worse than saw three, and that was awful. Good so far. I like your style, Jacob John Taylor One.

What? That's the username. Oh, okay. Jacob, John Taylor, one, you have been sentenced to hang until death. Written June 20th, 2015. Nice. More recent. Yeah.

This movie is awful. Yeah. The short nine-minute version of the first Saw movie is very scary. It is a million times better than this poo-poo. Yes. Correct. Now, because you can't see... Watch a language, dude.

Watch a language, dude. Well, I'm going to tell you here, just because you can't see it, I want to let everyone know that he or she, but I guess it's John... Who gives a fuck? The point is, the person who wrote this spells poo P-O-O-H,

like as in Winnie The? No. But apparently, I guess they'd rank at number two in the franchise. Saw 2004 is a better movie, and that was awful. Saw 2 is a better movie, and that was awful. Saw 3 is a better movie, and that was off.

Oh, okay, so they ranked a number 4. This movie is like a super shit, by the way. Oh, yeah. You're taking number 4, that's a super shit. That's a diarrhea one. It is indeed, dude. It is the diarrhea one. It is the diarrhea one.

Fuck you're plumbing up, man. This movie is badly written. It's also badly edited. Don't tell that other guy that, dude. Well, no arguments here from anyone on the stage. Is this Roger Ebert or Jay Hoverman there? Right on the money so far. Yeah, that was Ebert's gnomed internet, was Jacob John Taylor won.

Dead bodies end up in places at the same time. I don't know what that means. Now, I will read this as it's written. They are just don't know what they are doing. Yep. He's right. Now there do you on the keyboard. Yeah.

The ending is awful. The movie is bad. movie is poop. Yes. Do not see this movie. It is crap. Oh, hold on. Oh, we're getting a little language.

Spicy here. It's an overrated pile of stinky poo poo. Yes. With peepee on top of it. No, shut the fuck up.

It's right here. You come see it. Let's go check it out. Hey, yeah, it's there. It's pee-pee on top of it. That's pee-be on top of it. We have the documents, folks. Ladies and gentlemen,

pee-pee on top of it. Do not waste your money. Do not waste your time. Agreed. This movie is not scary. It is just a big pile of poo-pooh. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City, Toronto. Thank you so much for coming out.

We'd love to see all your beautiful faces. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. That was a hit-gum-podied-Gam podcast. Hi, I'm Tim Platt. I'm Christopher Hastings. And I'm Joe Lepore, and we're all cast members on the narrative play podcast, Root Tales of Magic. And now we're on the Headgum podcast network.

Um, but what is Rude Tales of Magic? Ooh, um, good question. It's kind of like, um, oh, it's like if Bugs Bunny was a dungeon master for the cast of Clue. Yeah, it's like a yucky version of that show Merlin. Remember Merlin? Oh, so it's like Rude Tales of Magic is if the Muppet Babies were tried as adults. Oh, I think I get it. It's like if the Bible was translated into English.

Tim, Routels of Magic is like Redwall, except they aren't mice and they do have sex. D-Manned by Branson Reese from FX's Swanboy. And also featuring Ali Fisher as Cordelia the Sasquatch. You simply got to download the fuck out of Root Tales of Magic on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. And be on the lookout for new episodes every other Tuesday. Thank you.