We Hate Movies - S13 Ep679: The NeverEnding Story

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

For the kick-off of the 2023 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, the guys are racing to save the land of Fantasia with a convo about the popular 1980s children’s film, The NeverEnding Story! Who is the bigger Disgusting Shit Boy (DSB) here, Bastian or Atreyu? How much does Bastian’s rotten father hate his little bookworm guts? And why didn’t they just fork over the cash and actually cast Ernest Borgnine to voice Falkor? PLUS: Freddy Krueger works as the janitor at Bastian’s school! The NeverEnding Story stars Garret Oliver, Gerald McRaney, Thomas Hill, Deep Roy, Tilo Prückner, Moses Gunn, Sydney Bromley, Tami Stronach, and Noah Hathaway as Atreyu; directed by Wolfgang Petersen. Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Tour 2023, KONG, DILF Den & Grab-Ass & Cancer designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This week on the program, it's the Battle of the Disgusting Ship Boys as a Treyu faces off against Bastion in The Neverending Story. I'm Andrew Luck Dragon. I'm a dying horse. Eric, disgusting shit boisca. I need some limestone here. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone.

movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program and welcome to the start of the summer blockbuster extravaganza 2023 and we should say just we like to get out in front of this every year it's just a title we put on things. It doesn't mean a goddamn thing. I don't know when this movie came out

I don't give a shit except that it was 1984 and it was directed the English language debut of the late great Wolfgang Peterson. Oh yeah, the big guy. Coming off Dossaboot, he did this, which was incredible. Quite a tone shift. By the way, April, this came out in April in West Germany to all of our German listeners,

to all of our Americans July 20th. So, really. Oh, okay. So we're deep in the summer here. One for one, fellas. We're not going to date court. We'll go to date court on another one of these. I'm sure we will.

And we have, we'll have our lawyer, you know, Ridley Gloopenstein, get all the stuff together. If we go to date court, my dives are on Judge Joe Brown. I'd have to go on a date with that guy. Absolutely. Oh, I don't know man. Judge Judy Shindlin. It's probably some supreme hand stuff after that date court. Yeah, which one do you want

ruling over you? That's the question. So I'm curious what everybody's relationship to this movie was because I will say right up front, I watch this for the first time approximately three hours ago and that be that for this guy. I cannot believe that. I find that shocking. Yeah.

Yeah. Really? Yes. Because this was on TV everywhere. I feel like every time I sat down as a kid, this was on. Obviously, I didn't see in the theaters. I'm not that old kids. But I watched, I've seen this movie probably at least 20 times in my life. Yeah, I've never like been like, hey, let's put on the never ending story, but I know

that I've seen it like 40 times. Like, you know what I mean? It just was on in the late 1980s. 80s. And I've definitely seen the second one with RIPD, Jonathan Brandis. I never watched the third one with Free Willy Kid. The third one, no. Free Willie Kid and Jack Black apparently. Wow. Really? And there's a fourth one as well. What? Really? There is. I don't, I haven't seen it. I don't know. Are you thinking of the cartoon? I know there's a one called never ending story four. That's what I saw. It's for Germans only, I guess.

Oh, I guess. They have to keep that thing locked up. Yeah, that's what is just for us. You You can have the first three But the fourth one's the real saucy one Just for us It says lots of whips That's a leather It's a special kind of never-ending story Well Chris Cabin

It appears there is not a fourth movie Not yet I'm okay I'm gonna send you this thing I think there's something about They've been I think There's been a bidding There's a remake coming There's a remake coming next year

Is it really? Well that's I was read They've been trying to do that I don't know where that's next year from. 2024 was the day I saw when I was reading up on it. Okay, I'm on the, I'm on a fandom wiki, which you know is the most accurate thing. It says that this reboot will be coming sometime in the 2020s. Sometimes.

Well, all right. So 2028, we'll get it. Yeah, like six and a half years left to come true on that. That's really more of a, what do you call it there, a, just a matter of time, right? Like, that's not even a rumor. They have to. They have to. They have to, this is a huge IP.

They're not going to not. reboot this thing. Well, I mean, first of all, I don't know about a huge IP, Steve. There's no fucking. I mean, I think, I think that here's the thing. I think as you guys were talking about it, one of the things that I think put my household off to this when I was a lad, there's no notable stars in this movie. And I feel like a lot of what, you know, I watched in our house as kids was like things where we knew like what the stars were or whatever. And these two nothing little boys and all these puppets did not really amount to a cast. I get that a little bit because I will say I didn't want the first one I've only seen

twice before. I've seen the second one with Jonathan Brandis like at least 20 times. Wow. Interesting. The second one I remember very clearly seeing in the theater. Oh, wow, theater boy. Yeah, I did see the second one in the theater for sure. Wow, that's crazy. But this is a bankable IP because, I mean, it was even really. referenced in Stranger Things recently. Exactly. This was a cultural force, just not in the Andrew house. That's all. I mean, that's

fair. It's just, it's one of those things I have always known about this movie. I've known bands that have covered the great fucking song by the Kajagugu guy. Like, all of that. I'm totally aware of it. The dog, the whole thing. Whatever, the luck dragon is, as he,

as I learned three hours ago. Yeah. With with his earnest Borgnan laugh, which is fantastic, but just there was all of those things that came together that I was just like, I don't give a shit. And I'm sure if I watched it as a kid, it would

have played way better for me than it did today. How did you live so long, Falcour? I masturbate all the time. It's good for the luck dragon's prostate. I rub one out with my red rocket.

But, you know, this is just a very interesting movie in terms of being like West German and Wolfgang Peterson's first like, you know, I guess massively dubbed English language film here. But Roland Emmerich had a similar trajectory of trying to break into the American market with like quasi Spielbergian or whatever kind of feeling movies because I was going through Roland Emmerich's early films and one of them, Joey, aka Making Contact, is sort of a poltergeist kid movie. Oh, that's right. I remember you telling me about that. I mean, it's kind of interesting

like the history of this movie just in the sense of like it was the most expensive non-American or Soviet production to ever be made at the time which I think is I buy it if you look at these these creatures they've created

I mean that's the other thing is I think this is in tune with dark crystal all the Jepenson stuff I think that's what they saw as well Labyrinth is like that red rock was like

Oh, you want to go four blocks down You'll hit the labyrinth Take a left at the nothing You'll see the labyrinth I'm just looking up years So actually interestingly Dark Crystal came out Two years before this

Labyrinth two years after It's all of a piece I feel Yeah Oh yeah yeah there's a run fantasy It's here it is It's fantasy with puppets Yeah Puppet fantasy

These are good puppets you know what I mean? Oh, they're great puppets. Fantasy. What is this? My search history? No, that's that fucking Melissa McCarthy movie. I'm not sure if dark crystal and what's an elaborate so heavily

just give you the sense of being on SSRIs. Like there is this this movie more than those other two is like depressed. Like the horse dies of depression. Which is awesome. This is what kids

need to be learning. Honestly, death and loss. I love that scene of that horse getting sad and drown. I will say it is, it is incredibly effective. I was stunned at what I was watching. I mean, it was, it truly was me. I felt I was channeling my father, dude. I wonder if he got a shiver upstate because I was just like, what is this shit? We need more movies like this that introduce these ideas to children in a way, right? But like, because right now, all contemporary kids movies just look like funco pops. It's just CG garbage. So, kids, when your horse gets depressed, let it drown in the mud. Every time, make sure you allow that to happen because it's important for the future of your life.

He didn't let it drown. He was trying to save him. The horse willed to die. Yes, I guess that's a pretty. The kid didn't put in enough effort. I'm sorry, the kid is to blame. I mean, I don't know what. He's like a little fucking 10 year old boy.

Where did he bring? Did he bring the horse to the place where it's going to drown? Yes, he did. So the beginning is this incredible song For like three and a half minutes I've been listening to it all day long It's a great song I was listening to it

I was listening to the newfound glory cover of it Which I think is great And the song just playing over the credits And the weird like smoke sky and everything The effects there are so awesome And by the way yeah As an adult beneficial me this morning Being on drugs totally helped

There you go That look dragon talking you open on i mean like there are sad houses and then there's bastion's whole deal man this dad is just like he is one step he is one bad math test away i'll be dropped off at the orphanage like well oh bastion we did we did our best here sorry uh we're gonna have to part ways buddy firm handshake and 40 dollars i'll see you later i'm telling you what dude all this dad has to do is meet a new lady who's going to be like his second wife And that lady's got a bunch of kids that he likes and everything.

And then she starts getting in there like, you know what we could do is just throw Bastion in the river. And we could have our own family. And you have to think about your disgusting kid and your dead wife ever again. But if it was, if he gets a stepmom, it would be also okay for him to have sex with her. That's what I've heard. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. That's, I believe. I mean, this is also, I mean, Andrew, what you're talking about is, I mean, in, in, you know, books is called cobble potting. And I don't, I don't think it's a great idea. I think you should, you know, embrace your children no matter what they are, even if they have a penguin nose and make a screeching noise in the middle of night, like this kid is. But it's amazing because the dad is there. Like the kid wakes up and they get a nightmare and like, you know, you cut to this really awesome kitchen. Oh, this kitchen was actually pretty prime, dude. I was noticing that

also. That's a nice fucking kitchen. This kid was also the kid in cocoon. sure was. Excuse me in both of those cocoon movies. Yes. Cacoon and Cacoon the return. A story. Disgusting shit boy. He's been around for a while. The floppiest of floppy hair. Oh, Chris, he's been around for a while, but he's also been gone for even longer. Well, sure. Pretty good child acting career here as Victor Frankenstein and Frankenweeney. Daryl in Daryl.

Oh, the robot. He's a robot in that movie. Yeah, I think so. I never saw Daryl. I didn't see it. I just know what it is. It's a, the kid's a robot for some reason. I don't know much beyond that. It's, it's not that Sam and something. Oh, Sam and S.A.M. and something else. Oh, no, it's literally called Daryl and Daryl's an acronym.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, I mean, just like Sam. Yep. It did. It did happen twice. And no one gave a shit either time, funny enough. The dad is also a Gerald McRaney, who's like a very prolific character actor, like, who's been a ton of shit, including, yes, a major dad,

be the big one. He was in. He was in. He's the guy. A couple weeks ago, a previous guest of the show, Brent McDuff was over my house and he loves to bring over weird VHS tapes. And the tape that he brought was a woman's guide to firearms. And it's just, it's this, it's him and Jeffrey Lewis and this actress. Jeffrey Lewis. Yes. And just like, well, now this is how ladies would handle a gun. It's like an instructional video. It is an instructional video. It is an Instructional video. It's fantastic. Wow. You know, I was thinking of, you see it sometimes in movies where, like, the scumbag villains

watching TV and what he's watching is, like, those fake, like, it's a babe in a bikini with a machine gun next to a mud-covered truck. No, this is like, oh, you're, you know, just because your husband's not home doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to know how to use your own guns. Oh, wow. Now, if you're having problems with it, what we can do is you just put a little bow on the top of and that makes it so much easier to aim and shoot. Was Major Dad and Jeffrey Lewis,

their whole point in the video was like just aggressively telling the woman what she was doing wrong with the gun? Jeffrey Lewis is like in the video but then like Major Dad was hosting it like every thought they just cut to him in like a book, in a room full of books and being like, that's right.

So Lee do now how to use her gun and blah-by-blah. But you should definitely consult other people. He keeps being like, this video is very important. It teaches you how to use guns. But just as an FYI, you need to talk to someone else before legally, I have to say this.

Yep, abs, that is, that is they please don't sue us if you watch this video and then murder your husband. Exactly. But he's just like, oh, hello, bastard. I didn't hear you wake up, but it's like, you're not waking this kid. He's a little kid. It should be like a wake up. He's

your jammies, whatever. This kid's like eating breakfast that he made. essentially. Yes, he did himself. And then he's like, dad, I had another dream about mom. And he's, mom's death shouldn't get in the way of our responsibilities. Oh my God. What a son of a bitch, man. We should be moving on now. Come on now, son. Drink your coffee. Eat your oatmeal with nothing on it. And let's get going for the day. I blend raw eggs and orange juice together. I was stunned. I missed the orange juice. I'm glad you got that. Because I was like, is he just like mixing up eggs and chugging them? but I mean, I guess the orange juice

makes it more of a protein shake. This was like a health craze in the early 80s. Yeah, we were just raw egg. Well, because, you know, raw dog in it, they called it. Somebody watched Rocky and was like, what if I did that, but for the brunch crowd and put in orange juice on top of it?

You know what? Make mine a mimosa at that point. An egg mosa. Yes. Also, Steve, on top of not waking him up and making his son breakfast, he's also like, well, you know, what does he say to him? He goes, stop daydreaming and start facing your problems.

And with that, good talk. I wish I had more time, but I have to go to work and you have to go to school. And no, I'm not giving you a ride and not making sure you get on a bus. Your ass is walking to school. And I imagine later in the movie, he's just like, huh, didn't come home tonight. I guess that problem worked itself out. Exactly.

Oh, I'm going to get, I'm going to call Crystal, tell her I can move in. I mean, I was walking to school. But I had older siblings, too. So we were all kind of walking together for a while. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Similarly, there was a period of my life where we lived close to our grade school and sometimes we would walk. But yeah, it was never alone to be, you know, possibly spotted and picked on by a gaggle of bullies like we have here. But he really just says goodbye like a roommate. It's fucking fantastic. It's like, yep. Yeah, so you want to see you. A little kid. All right. Oh, actually, there is another thing that he fucking chastises him for it to. He's like,

And also, on top of this laundry list of complaints, I'm very disappointed you didn't bother to try out for the swim team. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you still owe me back rent. Could you tell, could you tell Crystal not to eat my leftovers? I have them clearly marked in the fridge next to my Sotas. Those are my Mr. Pibbs. Yeah, you know, Crystal told me she doesn't even like Mr. Pips, so I don't know why she drinks them all the time. You know, Mom would have wanted Crystal to drink here, Mr. Pibbs. she likes a cold beverage every once and a while okay Bastion By the way

What is that? You don't see the dad leave It goes to those three bullies Gives them like 50 bucks each You be like listen Put him in the garbage can Make sure it closes it tires You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Yes yeah Oh my God so it's Bastion short for Sebastian I'm guessing so yeah If you were Sebastian Would you go by Bastion or Subbalba Be honest

I'm but I'm go by S. Craig Zaller, dude. I do S. Dot. Is he a Sebastian? I don't think so. I'm curious. I doubt it. I'm buddies with a guy named Sebastian. He goes by Seb. Yeah, that's better. I like that.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Isn't that in, am I wrong? Isn't he Sebastian in a hollow man and isn't Josh Brolin at the end of that movie? Screw me. Where's Sebastian? Yes, I believe that's true. Where is Sebastian? that sounds from yes you were correct steve okay good excellent i'm very excited about that

Sebastian cane by the way oh yeah that's a villain right there that's a real name uh so yeah he goes he he like just kind of i guess he locks up and you know turns the stove off uh you know checks checks the power line i don't this kid it's just like nine years old it's amazing he balances the checkbook before he leaves the house you know i love the bullies that chase him screaming shit like you're dead weirdo I don't understand this this was a thing in movies in the 80s that nothing made you a bigger target for fucking bullies than your mother being dead

I do not understand was this something one guy had it happened to him and he became a producer at like universal perhaps these bullies cased the joint first and saw that the dad didn't give a fuck the mom was protecting him or we can move right in boys we are eating tonight we can bullied this kid for the next five years. Well, the funny thing is they clearly know,

I mean, because they know him from school. They know that his mother's died. But hilariously, that one of the taunts, the teases they're calling him is mama's boy. And I was like, bullies, that's an impossibility right now.

He might be a crystal boy someday, but right now he ain't able, he is uneligible to be a mama's boy. But that's just, that makes it hurt all the more. Even if he wanted to be a mama's, Well, he can't, because she's fucking being eaten by words. Yeah, I guess that's fair.

What you should have in this scene is he's like, that's not fair. My mom's dead. And they're like, oh, what, your mom's dead? Even better, you fucking loser. Get in the garbage kid. Get into garbage kid where your mom was found. Get in the garbage kid. When you don't get, your dad was acquitted of all charges.

Listen, I had a couple of times. of dinners with the man that murdered my wife, but no one can prove that I ever paid him for anything. He was just teaching me how to make an orange egg mimosa here. Now, listen, Bastion, we're not going to be watching Dateline tonight. Okay, there's a personal story on that I don't think you should be watching. I don't think it's pertinent. They didn't even reach out for comment.

My side of the story is not even in that. One of the bullies, by the way, is one of the adult bullies. in the 1990 It adaptation. Oh, that makes sense. I don't think that it's... Yeah, I don't think it's the one that uses all the slurs in that movie, but it's like the number two bully.

So do you think this bully then moves to Derry, Maine after the events of this film? It's possible. Yeah, it moves from Vancouver to Derry, Maine. He's just a side like will bully for food kind of a thing. I just bully it up and down the coasts, man. Just trying to make a living.

That's a, that's an interesting. show. That's like the Nelson Muntz. If Nelson Munt's got a spin-off, it'd be called like Nelson Munt's bully for hire. The crash, the crash hurt our bullying, our bullying community pretty hard. Oh, you can't find kids to shove into lockers anymore. You can't take, they don't even have, they have Venmos now, so you can't, you can't take money from them for lunch. You can't do it. People that complain about whatever perceived population decline, it's just, there's not enough kids to torment anymore. Yeah. Chris, you actually just made me wonder with that Venmo comment.

What are the odds you guys think that there's some reprehensible ass clenching joke in a season 30 whatever of The Simpsons where Jimbo is like bullying Bart and he's punching him in the stomach and it's like, you better transfer that 30 bucks to me right now on Venmo Simpson. It's the same episode where Homer works for Uber Eats or something. Oh, kill it. Kill that show. God.

And then Liesick or the Marge gets an only fans, right folks? Oh, yeah. Then the internet would fucking explode. I know. I think I'd sign up. If I was a Simpson, not, you know, if I was a Simpson person, not me now.

Right. If you were like Lenny or Mo. Exactly. Mo is the number one. He's like the top patron on Marge's always hands. Oh, yeah. He's tipp it every day. Bo Sizzlack and Eric Sizka, very similar.

The Polish lover. Yes, Moszlake screen name on OnlyFans is like Midge Lover, 69. It is alt is stinky lines and everything. Yeah, so he does get thrown in the dumpster. He gets back out and this is the, this is one of the funniest parts of the movie, if that the funniest, is he's like, whew, the bullies are all gone. And he comes out of this alley and the bullies are right there going, one of them goes, hey, who said you can get out of the dumpster?

I would like it if that was the rest of the movie. This kid kind of keep trying to sneak out and the bullies like, what did I just say? It's phone booth by a kid in a dumpster. I've got a bully trained on you. You can't exit the dumpster. He should be reading that book in the dumpster. Well, this is, I mean, it's amazing that he plays hooky at school. It's just an incredible.

I've never done. seen it done quite that way before. Yeah, nerds don't really usually play hookies, but if they did, they would hide in the school because they like to read. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's the thing. I mean, he is doing the nerdiest thing possible. He is, he is skipping out on school to read a book for pleasure alone. It is about as nerdy as it gets, like short of going to the science museum,

I don't know if you could do anything more. It's like if you skip, no, I think the only thing nerdy would be if you skip school to go home and do homework in advance. That's all the spot. Yeah, I guess there are kids that would do that.

You're working on like, you're like in the fourth, you're the fifth grade, but you're doing like seventh grade math, you know what I mean? Just on your own. Yes, exactly. But he does finally escape the dumpster and like the kids, like, hey, what does you, go back in the dumpster, but he runs and did what Eric and I did. Eric Andrew and I did a couple of months ago when we were, I don't know where the hell we were. We were Denver.

We were in Denver and some lunatic was screaming down the street. We, like, ducked into a bookstore. Oh, he'll never find us in here. Yep, that's exactly. Oh, wow, we totally did do what this kid does. You're right. He was following us for blocks. I think he was bullying up and down the coast.

And then he got to the fucking Rocky Mountains eventually. And he found us and he followed us blocks yelling shit. Oh, yeah, dude. That was how I spent like $40 on this really cool, like gold gilded pages. copy of the magnificent Amberson. That's awesome. You know, I thought he was going to follow us in the bookstore

and kill that nice old lady. Yes. But then it would have been her problem. That's the thing. Once you go to a bookstore, then it's her problem. Oh, now it's the shop keeps problem.

It's like it follows demon type of thing. That man might have looked older, but that was actually a 16 year old who was bullying for years until this country kicked him out of his home and his workplace, which was the high school over on Maine. So he's in this

He's in this bookstore there And it is a It is one of those Like you know Immediately when you walk At the door It is run by an old crank

There's just books everywhere Just like no human being With stack books like that Like real real crazy shit And this dude is given it to this kid Immediately like Oh you're just hiding in here You fucking moron

Blah blah Get out of here I don't like kids Yeah why don't you go play a video game Stupid video cage Down the street Books don't make the beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beeps.

He's like, oh, these little rectangular thing, they're cold books. Go get fucked, you little kid. He throws it right back, though, dude. And then this bookshop guy recognizes this kid is also a nerd, right? Oh, you read, you actually read books? Treasure Island? You've read Treasure Island? Okay, kid.

Here are the pictures of me murdering your mother. we should get out you finally that was the password you finally figured it out and here's this book on the occult with a weird snake symbol on it dude yeah he's reading

he's like oh you wouldn't because the kid bashing lays out his bona fide he's like you know 20,000 links up to the sea blah blah blah blah treasure island etc's like the corrections

yeah yeah uh uh you know a bunch of bunch of Faulkner you know I mean that's what have been fun of if he, like, reeled off.

I mean, those books are all great that he mentioned. They're, of course, classics and everything. But like some real deal, like, heavy up there literature would be awesome. The End of Alice, he reads. No, but he's like, no, actually, don't worry about it. But you wouldn't want this. This isn't baby bullshit like you used to kid. This is a real book.

It's not safe. Yeah. At this point, if I'm this little kid, I'm just like, all right. So he's fucking weird. This isn't like your stories, like 20,000 leagues under the sea or Lord of the Rings. There's monsters in this. There's mountains and castles you have to go to. It's very different, you stupid baby child.

Oh, yeah. This ain't no 20,000 leagues under the sea. Boy, in this story, the hero goes on an adventure. It's just a choose-your-own-adventure book and this kid gets way too fucking into it. Yeah. Are you sure you want this? You can't plug a fucking headphone in this. I'm sorry, child.

Here's the thing. And, you know, maybe the book that this is based on elaborates a little more. Or maybe this isn't even part of the book. I don't know. I heard they changed a lot. Yeah, because the author like did one is, he was like, this is awful. Stop production and change things or change the title. And the producers were like, no, you can go eat shit on both of those ideas. And so he has to have his name taken out of the opening credits, I guess.

But, like, if this guy is reading the never-ending story, like, and he gets to the part that serves as the end of this movie, is he the guy that's got to say the name? Like, what is the deal? Well, that's, it's apparently a great question. Or is it, like, different for everybody kind of a thing? I don't know what that deal is. Is it like, is it like, is it like, porno when he opens it up? It's like, oh, great.

Back to my harem. Oh, hello, ladies. Yes. Oh, the never-ending story, colon, ooh-l-la-la. It suddenly turns into like a Richard Rousseau book, funnily when this older man takes it. It's just not, it's not, no creatures whatsoever. Just fucking midlife crisis and having sex with your neighbor.

Oh, that sounds like a lot of, that sounds like good reading, Chris. It is, but apparently this was like the first, only the first half of the book was this movie. And obviously, like, the rush at the end where it's like, hey, I'll just remake Fantasia takes a lot more on the book and like, right, right, right, doing a lot more stuff. This guy playing Coriander, by the way, this little fun fact from his Wikipedia page, the actor's name was Thomas Hill. And he worked as a voice actor doing the role of Uncle Owen in a 1981 Star Wars radio drama. Oh, wow, that's, those are those radio dramas are pretty sought. after. Oh, really? Like, it's kind of hard to find copies. They're just like not on YouTube.

You could probably find it, but I think they, they have interesting details. It's like a nice supplemental. Oh, that's kind of cool. He comes back for the second one, too, I think. Oh, really? Yeah. Although it was weird. I was looking at IMDB. The characters, it's still Coriander, but it's spelled with a K. Oh, yeah. Cornyn have come on the market. So. It's just, you know, to see change. The kid, like, he's like, I got a phone call. And I guess like, sorry real quick real quick Dan Aykroyd plays Wedgantilly's one

oh we gotta find this yeah yeah this looks a rebel leader yep there's no way to go there rebel leader sorry Dan Aykroyd and star on a technicality it looks like

but the kid but the guy's like I got a phone call now get the hell out of here and you little baby don't touch my super special book and of course the kid steals it

five-figure discount, but he writes a note and says, I promise I'll bring it back, which is total bullshit. And the guy goes back and he's like, ah, son of, he's like happy about it. And nor is, he's like, the great game begins. Like, he's got a weird smile on his face. Yes, it is a thing where it's like he passed off the Jumanji board to somebody else.

It's just like, eh, get ready, you stupid bastard. You got no idea what's coming. Oh, dude, so it's like it follows. The book is the book has to get stolen from you. I mean, it's not as, I mean, it is creepy in passages, but it more feels like a What About Bob situation where the bald guy, the high talker from Seinfeld is his first therapist. This is Dan.

Yeah, and he passes him off and just cuts the guy saying, freedom. Freedom. That's what I want this bookseller to be like, oh, he took it. I'm free. do you think it was like you know bastion was the first one to come into that bookstore in like 10 years probably yeah finally someone to take this book off my hands now i can turn to dust he's just a skeleton he just goes back oh that'd be nice you cut back to him and it's just a skeleton dust everywhere he goes to give back the book he's like mr coriander i have your

oh no what do you mean bastion you went to that bookstore that was burned down 30 years ago it's a pizza hut kid what are you talking about it's a pizza hot taco bell combination kid so he goes to school and you know he gets to the classroom and uh oh math test what is this door to this classroom where there's west german is all is what it is yeah no exactly dude i was like did they film this in a fucking prison what is this door yeah and actually served as a prison for a short time at the after the fall of germany yeah it's just it's like got a little teeny tiny rectangular window at the top of it that you could you know pass a tray of food through and not much else

and he sees that class is going on and he's like well fuck it and goes he knows that the school just leaves out this key to the attic you know the school's attic this is insane this attic is insane too just go home just take the book that you're so excited about go home and read it. Well, that father, dude, who the hell knows what he gets up to at night? I bet that guy drinks mightily. I see. Yep. I, I, you're also, you might have missed the force for a treatise here, Stephen. He takes this book. He gets up there and, like, he's just planning to start drilling some holes down

there to keep an eye on all the classrooms. Got it. Make sure that they're all doing what he thinks they should be doing. But then the book just takes it over, you know? He just, he gets enraptured, You know, the first couple of pages, he's in it. And then, like, when he settles down in this attic, which is a house of horrors, by the way. There's skeletons. Skeletons, we're talking mounted animal heads. Tons of a wolfhead. Like, who's murdering a wolf?

And a samurai of some kind? Oh, I miss the suit. There's a samurai suit? It's like the face mask of one. I don't know how much of the arm is there, but quite an interesting school they got here. Maybe that was from the other access power sent that over for show and tellers. I mean, like, why don't you, I mean, shit, man, you know, have a fucking, a suit of armor up there or a witch's cauldron. I mean, what are you doing with this set decoration?

You show what? The principal of this school should call up Antiques Road Show or whatever the West German version of it is and let them go ham on the whole fucking attic. They've got lots of shit up there. Antiques Road Show is called, We don't do that here in Germany. There is absolutely no way you can have that show because every episode, it would just be like, ha, next. Well, my relative has come across these silver plates.

Get out of here. Get out. God and Himmel, even the violin has a spasticer on it. Yes, we do have a lot of gold. It's just the way it is stored. It's not fantastic. Now that we have to seize that now, sorry. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, yeah, you see, this lamp right here, your thought was free from any sort of Nazi insignia. But, oh, when you turn the light on, it's like the bad signal for Nazi swastika. Oh, and actually this one here, y'all, this is a personal T-set of Adolf Hitler. Actually, I have a buyer for this named Holland Crow. I'm just buying it to keep it off the street, you know?

Oh, here's $80 million, Clarence Thomas. Yeah, you'll see this beautiful Stein here I got. It has Adolf and he's ascending to heaven. The top of it is heaven. You can open heaven and that's where the beer is.

Isn't that funny? The beer's where heaven is. That old Addy, he had a sense of humor, boy. It's me, Harlan Crow. Yeah, I turn off on glorious bastards three seconds in. He's like, what the fuck is this shit?

I was told I was going to find a dog dragon in this year program Wait a minute They plot to do what to that movie theater So he settles down In his weird cryptic fucking Grade School attic And settles in to read this book

And I just I realized at this moment What this movie was going to be Because he opens the book And he's like What does he say? It was the the best of times. It was the worst of times. I wish. It was midnight in the howling forest. And I was like, oh, fuck. A lot of this movie is probably just watching this kid read this book, isn't it? And low and we all. What's actually kind of like this too is the Princess Bride. Yes. Yes. Oh, big time. But I feel like there's less cutting back to Fred Savage in that movie. And he had Peter Falk and it wasn't Fred Savage alone in a creepy attic by himself.

You know what? The bookshop owner should keep him overnight reading the story all the way till dawn. Yeah, it's just it's pretty unexciting this whole, that whole part of this. Because like what they'll do is cut back and like they'll just have this kid read

another line from the book or like show him like rooting on a character which I've literally never done reading. I'm fine. I'm fine with all of that if it doesn't and we'll get to it when we get to it. If the whole thing wasn't just like teaching kids how you're supposed to watch

a movie, the hero is you. Don't you understand, you stupid children? It's a children's movie, Chris, and it's saying, be confident, stand up to bullies, that kind of thing. That's kind of that messaging here. I do think that the balance is off because like it,

and I think that maybe the second half of the book where actually Bastion is probably rebuilding Fantasia is much more satisfying to that first part of the narrative because the first part of the narrative is just timid a musty old fucking thing being like, oh no, you know what I mean? Every, yeah, it's never ending story part two

more satisfying than this movie? No, it's not. There you go. I don't remember. You saw 20 times, Chris. You don't remember. Yes, when I was a kid, Eric, I've seen a lot more sense.

Lay off the pipe, man. Yeah, yeah, sure. That's it. Well, hey, it was like I didn't remember much of son-in-law a few weeks ago, and I've definitely seen that now 31 times. Oh, jeez, man. Lay off the pipe.

But yeah, he just, he cuddles up with a fucking dusty blanket over him and just starts reading this book. And, you know, we get right into it and this dark force. And this is the thing, this first scene where you're just like getting to know like the little the rock bider guy and

Deep Roy's character and that other fucking gleep-glop thing. Like, for me, because I had no anchor for what this movie was, I was like, God, like, I knew that the kid of Trey was going to come around at some point, but I was like, how much of this movie is just going to be like, these three guys? And what do they fucking do? Like, I just, I had no idea what was going on. And this is like, it's like 10 minutes, honestly, but 90 minute movie. It is. And it's very similar to legend as well. Oh, yes. The way it opens this way where you got other characters that I'm like, oh,

way. I mean, honestly, I was excited. I was like, this is interesting to me. I know a stupid kid is showing up and I'm going to have to watch the stupid kid look at a fucking tit statue lately. You'd rather see a cannibal rock, right? Yes, please. Please, more of that shit. It had been a long time. So I was like, are they like going to do

a fellowship thing? Is the shipgoblin going to help him out in some way or ship form? The rock guy is the night hob. The night hobb. Yeah, the guy riding the bat. Yeah, he's a shit goblin. He's a shigoblin. And I think like, because he's because he uses the bat as like the hang glider or whatever

when they go on the little first part of the journey and like I'm sorry man you're getting fucking guano on your ankles I don't know what else to tell you if he's using this bat like a hang glider come on he's eating that guano dude that's what he's feasting upon it's his culture please be

be a little more sensitive guys that's true is he seriously eating bat shit no I have no idea I just look at this guy's mouth and I'm like there's something going on the room looks like I got to bring a bat shit around your mouth there buddy but I guess this is establishing obviously that the nothing is consuming so many parts

of the world that the shit goblins are coming out the guys who race snails are everyone is threatened and they're all coming together in this you know kind of like you travel and you know how you guys do it you walk around the country traveling at night you see a glimmer of light in the distance you're like that's a campfire

maybe I could rest easy there for the evening you know you go there and you ask much like the rock bite are here yeah and then you you get your ropes up you get on your cat snail and you get out of there real quickly to go to this isn't Fantasia right

this has a different name well the world itself they're like a realm there's a lot of brooms running around he's like Duchess County butabodum butabodum

sorry Fantasia sorry sorry this is like the Duchess County to like you know downtown Manhattan or something Gotcha

he's but this rock guy comes and he's oh it's really bad where I am the dutting took every oh look at these delicious rocks he i mean nothing wrong with he's an addict he's an addict it's fine you just got to close your smaller bites and closed your mouth that's the thing it is kind of a funny gag where like you know crumbs to him are these like huge boulders falling on

these little guys murdering his little friends it's awesome and i got to say the scope of this guy which as far as i could tell was just it's a it's a total puppet yeah but they make him so huge and the reveal of this is really cool. And especially like, if you're like me watching it for the first time, you have no idea what it is. And he's like, he's basically pushing a giant rock monster version of a granny cart that you see. People pushing laundry in around the city.

Like, he's just got one of those. And I'm like, it's like a big rolling thing and it's coming towards like Deep Roy and the shit goblin guy. And I was like, what is this? And then like the camera does it cool because you're using all like, you know, like big puppet area,

staging kind of stuff, the camera sort of does this cool tilt up and reveals how big this thing is. All the model work and puppetry shit in this movie is awesome. One of the big things to disagree with Gene Siskel about on this movie. Yeah, totally. He thought

all the effects and stuff looked like garbage. And he thought that Falcourt he said that Falcour looked like a prize that you would win at a carnival and throw in the garbage and walk back to your car. He was so fucking harsh on that review. But the scope and ambition of doing this

it's really impressive to me it is yeah yeah oh big time these things are incredible she says the um the effect of the effect with a deep Roy on this uh the racing snail this looks really cool too it kind of looks like he's on a

speeder in Star Wars yeah just zipping around it's all very like fluid like I don't know how they did that with him because it's not it's way too fluid to be stopped motion the other thing that I think is pretty like yeah it is very very fun to do drugs to this movie but it does not have the

feeling of a drug movie in it like soberly watching it like this is all very trippy shit that's happening right now and they don't like it's really is about the adventure and this nothing that is like destroying their lives they're not like having fun while doing it

no no and it's a very important to point out Chris Cabin that absolutely zero percent fun has had in this movie. That is kind of the issue I will say just give me a scene where he gets to take a load off for a minute him and the fucking dog dragon

have some fun excuse me he gets to see I think four in total tit statues the rocking the rocking tits in this movie was totally on experience another great thing that I saw as a kid I remember being here like

am I we're oh we're good okay no one's turn it off all right that sounds all right I got to get the Fantasia Are there statues like that, like, around? Can I, can I go out and find those statues? Oh, my God, a giant sphinx woman. I want her to step on me with her dog paws.

Blast me with your laser eyes. Quick question about a rock guy. Is it a thing where like, so he's rocks, do you, is it like, do you want to gussy it up with some dirt sometimes? You put some grass on there? Like, you know what I mean? That's interesting. Would that help with digestion? Is his shit like, jogs?

giant boulders or pebbles? Excellent question. Can he eat his shit? I mean, of course he can. I'm not even thinking of this shit. He's a magical creature. What I think he eats it and just another boulder like comes out his side. Oh, like it's muskles maybe.

Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh shit, dude. Flashback to the second one. He's got a kid. There's a little, a little stone monster boy. Oh, no way. This guy barks. I think he fucks.

That is fascinating. And or it's a sentient shit. It's possible. He doesn't fucking. He pulls right off him. He gets his rocks off. Sure. I mean, it's a weird thing where he's, he chows down on one piece and he's like, oh, yes, this is limestone with, what's that?

Oh, a bit of quartz in there. Fantastic. Did I have peanuts yesterday? Oh, I've had marble five days in a row. I just need to find something nice and rough. I got to get some roughage in me. Got a detox, man. I was going hard at the rock version of a steakhouse all week.

Petrified fruit wood. That's their broccoli. So they all decide they're going to race to the heart of Fantasia to see if the empress can do anything about this coming dread. known as the nothing. They get to this gigando castle. Ivory Tower. Yeah, I was going to say,

which is literally, hilariously just called the ivory tower. She's up there on her ivory tower. Looking down on us. Oh, she sure is, dude, being all sick and whatnot. The music here is also awesome.

The score continues to deliver. Marauder. King Marauder. The tunes that Marauder has in this movie are fucking great. Just like anything Giorgio Moroder's ever composed. Yeah.

And this is a great assembling of like Glee glops here from all around. Oh, yes. Terror, a terror train of fucking creatures here, man. And they're being addressed by a cling on and it's a lot of fun. Dude, it was so nuts because I was like, again, I'm watching this movie, you know, nearly 40 and just being like, how were kids stomaching this? Like, I guess it's like probably the same, like, do you think it's the same horror, quote unquote, equivalent as like the visual stuff for like Vigo the Carpathian? maybe yeah i mean i was like i'm thinking about like stuff i was watching in the 80s that was like

kind of scary and not yeah i mean this is designated for kids ghostbusters too not scary i saw them all when i was a kid i feel like ghostbusters won i thought the start of was pretty scary when i was a kid the librarian yeah i wasn't that scared of this i actually remember distinctly really loving i guess maybe because because of the effect is cool of the people with the gigantic heads the heads are fucking crazy and like those ladies with like the three faces on one head they bothered me

as a child they bothered me last night I don't know this is kind of like the adventures of Baron von Moonshausen as well yes yeah all right from the frames I've seen of that movie that kind of checks out Steve last night where you when these all these freak heads came out

and whatnot were you putting like a folder over the TV? No I just was like don't like it don't like that it's totally unsettling. I think that's all I think they're all unsettled. Like, that's what I like about it is that they should be a little, like the, I mean, they have, it's all kinds of faces and heads

in this fucking, there's people with like four faces and then there's people with two faces of like, are they related in some way? There's a dog person. There's a stone heads. There's elephant head. There's a vulture person. And then there's Moses Gunn, who is the Klingon guy

who's talking to everybody. Moses, the great from Roller Ball, Shaft, Heartbreak Ridge. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, dude, Bumpy Jonas in fucking at least two of those shaft movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a fantastic actor. And he's dumbed to, everyone's dubbed to shit in this movie, which is kind of the problem, like the voice.

Like, I mean, especially coming up here, At Treu himself, like, this is not, is Noah Hathaway, it's not his voice at all. No, well, but, well, I mean, you don't know that it's a, here's the thing I'm going to put out there. This is a West German production, and maybe others can, can ring in on this too. I mean, it's Europe, obviously places like Italy, they still just dub movies to this day.

That could have just been the thing in this production was like everybody's dubbing. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I'm not saying it's like, oh, I thought you were saying like it's a different voice. No, yeah, but some of it was filmed in Vancouver, but not a lot. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, but just as far as like the, what I'm trying to say, like the philosophy or the mindset of the filmmakers, it was probably like, we're not shooting sound on a lot of this stuff. I mean, deep, deep Roy, that's definitely not his voice.

That's some fucking little British child, which is so unsettling. It is. There is one character in this grouping. And like, it just, it tells you how much they, like, are just like, we're just doing practical stuff. Yeah. It is just like a felt mushroom. Yes. Who's just hanging around, like, from the, the sign for a hedge shop in Portland, Oregon.

mushroom. This thing is just flopping everywhere. It's got like books underneath it. It's so fucking silly. People loved creatures at the time. The Star Wars seepage. Obviously, Jim Henson. Because this is only a year after Return of the Jedi. That's right. I mean, arguably the most gloppiest of all of the original trilogy. Yeah. Yes. I mean, this and this also, I think much like the cantina scene, this kicks off our adventure because a Moses gun is like, We need Atreu, the guy who hunts purple buffalo. I'm surprised we never got a purple buffalo. I would have liked to see him hunt maybe a buffalo.

I'm sorry, but Atreu hunted them into extinction. That's too bad. That's too bad then. And then he gets, I forget, does he get the necklace to the or a necklace? He does here, yes. Well, at first the Moses gun is just like, what's a child? Oh, dude, they're laughing. because he's like, oh, yeah, this hero warrior, Atreu will come.

And then he's like, I am here. We didn't ask for a little boy with no balls. Call me when you get some pubs, kid. Also, your nipples are hanging out. Close that shirt. Close that shirt. Oh, yeah. It's a dress coat in the ivory tower. You're just down the hall from royalty.

Put his shirt on. So this, you know, this dude's like, you know, you got to go out, venture out. And you, you alone, this great warrior, will be able to find a cure for our empress who is indeed dying. And Moses Gunn, not even sure himself the reasoning, but he's like, also I kind of got a vibe that her illness such as it is is directly linked with the impending arrival of the nothing into, you know, the town square or whatever.

this kid was in Battlestar Galactica apparently with his father his father was also an actor and they starred together his character was written out his character was written out of the reboot in the first episode

which is so great what was his character oh in the in the like the sci-fi channel show yes because his character was like boxy and he was the kid doing all this stuff and like

oh right with the little like amatronic thing or whatever yeah and then like in the what do you call it there in the reboot when they go back to they're getting people off of Caprica

and they take off what do you call it there they take Guy's Baltar and this kid who's like got a lot of dialogue and like what's your name kid yeah I'm boxing and I'm gonna be around forever

and they just cut it out they just like wow we're not doing the kid is he killed off screen or presumably he's new to death on Caprica yeah if he's not in the show now and he was there

he's left behind and dead I got to get on that show, man. I still never watched it. Yeah. Good show. So, yeah, we start the journey here. Atre rides off. So like almost a half hour of Grabass, by the way,

until we get on the journey here. And then you get this, it's a pretty cool elsewhere in Fantasia. A creature of darkness also began his quest. And you see these green puppet eyes. this Gmork thing. Yes. We want cool.

Hashtag we want Mort. We've got Gmork and we've got them. They're going to fight for two minutes and it's going to be totally worth it. I mean like it is, they go back to the Gmork with the big green eyes for most of the rest of the movie and then they meet. Chris, you know, evil is all bluster sometimes and also budgetary constraints. Yes, that's also all bluster. A tray who is also on his doomed horse R-Tax here And the creature of darkness, the Gimorica, is on their tail

And like, here's the thing The journey is just starting I'm excited This kid's on a horse looking pretty cool Got this green-eyed gigando wolf chasing him Sounds pretty sweet Then we just cut to this fucking turd in the attic And he's eating a sandwich

Well, because our tray stops for food next to a a bubbling brook so he's just like oh that's a good idea i should eat my peanut butter and jolly sandwich i always eat my sad sandwich up here that i made myself and i also had to make my dad's lunch too it's so sad that it's fucking two slices of wonderbread and half a slice of craft american cheese oh boy i should just do everything the book says then oh i leap from a large clip huh oh yeah i can do that i'm gonna fly You know, see, the problem is he wasn't confident. I see.

Couldn't take flight. Yeah. The other cool-ass thing is when, and now here's the thing, because I should preface this with this question. Did you guys watch this with the subtitles on? Yes, sir. Okay. On Apple, anyway, with the subtitles, when this beast growled or later when he's

full on speaking in the movie, all the subtitles were the exact shade of green as his Eyes. That's kind of cool. Yeah. That's interesting. Not not on Amazon. Oh, really? Oh. So yeah. I, because I was like, okay, I have the subtitles on. Is this a thing where like, for whatever reason, he was just subtitled so they could make cool green subtitles or whatever. But I guess Apple exclusive green subtitles. Those are the Gmork subtitles. So now our trade. So, yeah. Oh, well, I just, because this is a thing. Like this movie, you know, 90. some odd minutes, fine. You know, it does move at a clip, but I wondered at the expense of what? Because what happens

in this movie, the way it's edited and they use the device of Bastion reading the story, is he says things like when he's reading, when Bastion's reading, and he's like, well, they'd already looked here and there and they already climbed the tower or whatever, but they couldn't find him there. And I was like,

sounds like that's about a third of the adventure on that. Oh, yeah. Right. I mean, we do see a shot of Atreu riding the horse through what is mentioned as the desert of Shattered Hopes. There's mention of the Silver Mountains and the Crystal Towers without success. It kind of,

that works for me as like a guy who read a lot of fantasy novels because I just like hearing weird geography. I like hearing all these little names they pick. Oh, sure. Yeah, no, but that's the thing, right? I thought they did sound so cool. Especially the Crystal Towers. I was like, I don't know, man.

I kind of want to see whatever that. Maybe that's 70 episode Disney Plus show. You'll see all of it. Maybe that's why the author didn't like this movie because he was like, they left out the Crystal Towers. It was the best part. Right, exactly.

I work so hard. Six months alone on the Crystal Chowers chapter. We understand that, but you know what? It's just a lot cheaper to drown the horse. Drowning the horse is actually very cheap on our budget. We got several horses we can drown. The swabs of sadness.

Yeah, swamps of sadness, looking for Shell Mountain where you'll find Morla, the ancient one, the wisest and all of Fantasia, and it's a giant tortoise. This is awesome. This thing's so awesome, this tortoise. I mean, yeah, the horse drowns. It's very sad, but don't worry.

This movie undoes everything that it does, so it's fine. That's true. But just having that moment, honestly, having that's brutal, yeah. Yeah, having that moment and lingering on it and having this kid talk about how he loves the horse and not to give up, I mean, even to this day, it worked for me.

This kid, yeah. It's devastating. It is totally devastating. And this kid for, you know, he did not act much after this. And I think it's actually kind of like a pretty successful tattoo artist in L.A. now. But like, this bit of acting. I can get a treu to give me a tattoo of a treu. You could.

Oh, my goodness. Which would be weird, but you could do it. Could you put your face on my ass? we got another ass face request a treu ass face another ass treu we got another one order up on ass trayu and I wanted to say ashtrayu on my cheek

but the two ses and asses are dollar signs do it this ain't the never ending story XXXX parody colon Ash treu yeah there it is there it is but yeah you know he does a good job here you know screaming for this horse

And the way that they edit this is nice because like the horse, you know, is on this platform where we are like lowering it, you know, beneath all this goopy mud water and whatever. And then it's just like when the horse is really kind of just neck up and there's nothing left, we cut and then it cuts back and it's a tray you sitting alone in the swamp.

And I think it's a very, as much as I was nailing on the editing a moment ago with all that stuff they cut out, this is an effective, it's an effective cut. Can't we just drought the horse? It's just one horse. Thrunds a horse. Apparently, Wolfgang Peterson said himself

that so many people were affected by that scene. He had to come out publicly and be like, look, we promise you that horse is totally alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The horse is in a far up state. You'll never see him again. Yes, no, he's very happy. He's behind.

No, he can't come to the phone right now. he says hi thaw so this kid climbs a tree and sees this turtle and shits his pants and he screams oh no excuse me the turtle is revealed

and then the little weiner reading the book screams and then they in the tray you and the turtle are like well what was that and then I was like oh so now this is what we're gonna do but so I was working

from an understanding of this movie functioned much like Macaulay Culkin's The Pagemaster in where he's sucked into the book right at the beginning. Now, I've never seen the page master. Oh, it's Macaulay and I think the whoopster. I want to say Patrick Stewart. Christopher Lloyd. Oh, Christopher Lloyd, I think. Is the librarian? Who's the librarian? I think Christopher Lloyd's librarian. Patrick Stewart's definitely in it. Is he? Okay. It's

been a total minute. I bet we'd have fun tearing that apart. Oh, it gets it gets requested all the time. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah, quite a lot. And this is my favorite part of the movie. This, this, the turtle guy, this whole, I hate, this is where I start really hating the cutbacks to the fucking kid. Right.

Because I'm like, don't tell the kids how to take in the fucking turtle. Just present the turtle and have the fucking character respond to it. They'll be like, oh, kids, you know what? When you read this, oh, that's a big turtle. Oh, wow. Oh, my. Oh, wow. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair. But I do love this turtle. I love his philosophy on life that nothing matters. Let me see, do I give a shit? No. No. Dude, I love the way he starts everything. Not that it matters, but you're totally wrong.

We believe in nothing, Labowski. We don't even care whether or not we care. Like he's such a little fucking nihilist. It's awesome. You know, the turtle starts going by we because he hasn't talked to anyone in thousands of years. Now it's developed multiple personnel. much like the film split. He doesn't know what's happening.

Suddenly one of them takes over and he's like he's kidnapping someone in a fucking parking garage or something. Dude, and I'll tell you what, man, this turtle has the most relatable line in the movie, at least to me, because he goes, I am allergic to youth. And I was like,

yeah, me too, dude. Get those kids away from it. Today's episode is brought to you by fastgrowing trees.com. It's almost summer. And if you're anything like me, you're trying to make the best of it. You know, enjoying the beautiful tree-line streets of Jersey City. Maybe having a drink outside in the pristine weather. And then you get to come home to a dour apartment filled with cat breath.

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Get 15% off at fastgrowingtrees.com slash WHM. Nothing matters, but if it did, I suppose, you could talk. to the southern oracle. Who is 10,000 miles away? So forget it. Give up. That's what I'm doing. How are you going to get to?

You're a little kid. Your horse just died. You need to get 10,000 miles. Just chill out. Smoke a bowl. What's your Uber saying? 20 minutes do they come? They're never coming.

You're never going to. Don't worry about it. It's not happening. I do love that throughout this scene because the turtle is allergic to youth. He keeps sneezing on this kid. Yeah. And knocking the kid into the mud like repeatedly. Like it's like a double dare activity. It is so funny. You just watch this. Yeah. You just watch this kid drop into piles of shit repeatedly. It's awesome. Great. Disgusting shit boy for real. He's in the shit. He's mottling it up. So, uh-oh, 10,000 miles away. How am I going to get there? Oops. Better stop the movie

again to see this kid walk downstairs and notice the school's being let out for the day. and like the lights are being turned off and the doors locked and this kid's like yeah I'll stay in the school attic reading no way dude that's that's how the perverts get you

this is a bad lesson for kids dude you know what do you think but the skeletons of the attic freddie Kruger starting a shift you know exactly well hello but you know I know

if you're going to do the framing device you have to commit to it so at least it's showing the progression of time how long he's reading this fucking book how engrossed he is with it that he's ignoring all of his life all of anything i would have loved it if you just see he goes down there and he sees like a golden retriever with a dragon plushy in its mouth and he's like hey i wonder that's could that possibly be maybe that's what falcour looks

like who knows maybe yeah dog so he sees this school get locked up right and the line he has which again is just so sad he goes uh like he thinks about out like, oh shit, well, they just locked me in the school, I better try to go home. And he stops and he goes, no, a tray you wouldn't quit now. And I was like, you're just reading. Go home. You're just reading a book. You can read the book at home in your bed where it's comfortable.

And then you'll- No, no, no. We don't allow book reading in this house. We only talk about the swimming team. You got responsibility, Sebastian. I mean, Bastion. If you're going to be in this house, you're going to be helping sew these wallets. All right.

You need to learn how to, okay, this, this stupid fucking book is telling you that you have to, you'll get confidence. Okay, we're going to get that. We're going to nip that right into butt. This is revolutionary road. Give up on everything. Life is bullshit. Read this and then, yeah, be like this book. Not like that book.

It is bullshit. So, you know, Atreya was sinking again into this mud and the gomork is coming right here and it's going to fucking eat him. But he gets scooped up. by Falcour, uh, which is cool. And so, hey, oh, here we go. Wow. I was about, uh, I was about to start masturbating, but then I saw this kid needed some help. No, yeah. James Stewart was a great hang, you know, he would get you, uh, seltzer water whenever you needed it. He made these sandwiches with cucumber butter and ham. It was, you know, it doesn't sound good, but it was delicious. Now, this Falcour design, what is with his back? It's, it's, is,

Is it's like row? Are those his eggs? No, it scales because he's like a dragon. Yeah, but he's also a hairy dragon. I remember him just being ahead, actually. I don't remember this weird. That's weird. Lithe, gross body. I think it's cooler just as a big

you know, I was beheaded by the queen, but I'm still around. They ain't my body. But yeah, so he wakes up next to Falcour. And it's like, we get some of this little idiot narrating and it's like Oh, Atreya realized

that he was bathed and his wounds were cleaned. He actually does just because we did this because he's like, oh no, I'll never. He wakes up and he's like very upset. He's like, you know, I'll never find the southern the southern, whatever it is,

the southern oracle. Yeah. Oracle. He's like, I'll go find the southern articles. Well, it's just up the block there. Well, how did you know that's where I wanted to go? I was like, you're talking your sleep. That is such a disturbing detail. It is. But again, this is one of those things where he's like, oh, wow, Falcourt, you flew me the whole 10,000 miles.

Gee, looks like there wasn't much movie there. It's like, I was like, fuck, man, whatever part of the journey that could have been, this dude just, he used a fucking Mario Warp pipe and skipped five levels. time is of the essence that nothing is coming I guess so man but eventually you just start clipping shit out of this movie and it feels less like a movie

and a bunch of scenes of this turd reading a story but it's very important we need to these two old perverts need to give him a potion Engie Wook and Ergel who did I do that

to be Ergel the witch I mean it is it is very similar at least to me Princess Bride we were talking about. It's super Corstall and Carol Kane. They saw this movie before

doing that. Definitely. Definitely. And these guys are like gnomes. They're living like Keebler elves. It's pretty cool. Yeah. That's actually kind of a neat reveal because it's only until like they cut back at one point. Because the way they shoot it, it makes you think that like Atreu is looking at them

from afar kind of spying on them. And then when it turns to like from the cave's perspective looking at, out. And all of a sudden, this kid is gigando. I was like, oh, that's actually pretty cool. That's a neat way to reveal that they're like these little gnome people. So the Ergel is the potion maker. She's helping him with all of his health issues. Engie Wook is the scientist and he's the one who brings him up to the mountaintop in this little cart he has to look down at the big titted statues. All day every day. Why do you think he installed that

telescope in the first place. Yeah, yeah, I'm just for science. Going up there for science. I know what you're doing up there, you piece of shit. You're checking off to those statues. I knew it. I knew it. I said Angley Dorp or whatever your name is.

Engie Wook's jerking off to those statues. I'm just making ingredients for your potions. Oh, no. So this dude is like, all right, here's the deal. There's two gates that you have. have to pass through to reach the Southern Oracle, two big titted gates you have to walk through

and he goes, so here's the thing, like this first gate's really hard, no one ever gets past it because only someone who knows their true self is allowed to go through and otherwise the Sphinx won't let you pass and it's like you imagine that this is what this guy is doing for

entertainment, it's like, oh, here comes another one. No, no, watch this is great, here comes another one. And like this night rolls up or whatever. This night is so full of shit. This night is so, oh, he's going to eat. I can tell. He's so full of shit. Oh, my God.

I do love this sequence with the night. I remember this very vividly as a kid. Just the suit of armor is just, you know. All of this, I'm just waiting for it to like go animated and like the fog hat sound to start going on. Because it just, it just all reminds me of heavy metal without the fun stuff. Right. It's essentially desaturated heavy metal. Well, the tits are certainly there.

Yeah. creatures. All the creatures doing the weird shit. It's the nipples that are really shocking. It is. It is. It is like a big, too large statue, two globulous breasts. I'd be like, all right, whatever. But it's the nips. I'm like, okay, those are exposed. Oh, yeah. It's cold

in that desert, dude. I guess so. It's cold at night. But so, like, he goes down there and he's like, I can do it. I believe in myself. Well, the night gets blown up. Well, I guess electrocuted. Yeah, or with those super laser eyes. It's just fun to look at. It is. It's great. Oh, my God.

a giant woman electrocuted me. Yes, they all come here. They all want to be destroyed by bigger women. They take a statue and they say there's no actual bigger women around here,

so I might as well be killed by a big statue woman. Oh my God, someone just got zapped and he didn't have his junk out before he ran up to the thing. You're the first one who actually wanted to see

the Southern Ork. You know, and Tray, you know, if I clock it, such as I do. There's maybe like one or two really genuine fellas trying to get through that door a month. The rest of them, it's like 60 perverts. You know what? They all have, they all have cameras.

They're all taking pictures and then they're just going back to their buddies. Especially if you heard the world's going to end anyway. Yeah, what a way to go, dude. So yeah, he goes down and he's going to walk through. And I love, dude, he, you bet your ass. And of course he would. Why wouldn't he? Atreu is spending a ton of time staring at these statues Oh yeah

Oh yeah You know exactly what this kid's looking at Well this is the best part Is that he's walking slowly And he's doing it with confidence And the guy is like Oh my God he's gonna do it This is amazing

And he's like oh no He's losing confidence And I'm like Just fucking go dude move it Move it move it And then they start You know both Falcour And this old timer

Here start yelling Run Etrae you run And he makes it through. And I was just like, well, that's all any of them had to do is just dodge those lasers. Well, I guess he was pure of heart long enough. I mean, it starts to open up. But I feel like maybe he was closer to the finish when that started up. Maybe that gave him a fighting chance.

And he says, you know, confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming. It's true. And if I walked up to a mirror and saw a little shit boy reading in. an attic full of dust and Nazi memorabilia. I would also be like, God, hell! No, I'm a good die here.

Chris, that's who you are. Is it? I wasn't aware. That is my true self. That is my true self, is true. Always in the Nazi attic. Always. And then like,

this, this Ergel lady, they just cut to her given Falcour this huge B-12 in Jackson in his ass. Wow, that's certainly hurt. Boy, I hope he doesn't die suddenly after that.

Oh, man, did you hear Falcour died suddenly at 3,012? Hashtag died suddenly Falcour. Sorry. So Atreu walks up to like the second gateway here and it's all like snowy and stuff and he passes through and he sees, he passes through and he sees Bastion on the other side of this thing. right um and bastion gets like freaked out and throws the book and like we cut back oh no my sexual fantasy's coming to get me dude he goes he goes this is going too far and i was like what is going too far i like i don't understand what you think is happening right here um oh man when you see yourself and it just it this scene seems like weirdly clipped because like I was expecting a, you know, a mortal combat mirror match.

You know what I mean? He finds to fight himself. Especially since the gnome there, like really amps it up. And you're expecting it kind of just, he just walks through the mirror and that's that. And he said, he walks to the other side and that's where he meets the next couple of pairs of rock and hooters there. And it's the Southern Oracle. Right. Oh, my God.

Blue tits to go with your blue balls. Perfect. It's a perfect way to go. Yeah. I was expecting, like, even a race. scene from The Last Jedi, like, you see multiples of yourself. Like sexual texting through the force.

Exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking about, Eric. Oh, that scene. I see what you're saying. And like, that, like, something to symbolize it, not just like, oh, remember the shitty boy that keeps on it keeps on inter, fucking interrupting your fucking movie. I feel like, you know, we're expecting

a lot. This movie's not trying to do a lot. It's saying when you're reading a fantasy book, you are embodying the story. Yeah. You're the one reading it so that you're making it real in your, you know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, I never would ever cast myself in a book that just not happening.

No, I'm not saying I cast myself. Oh, no, no, no. But I'm just saying like you actively exploring that world through these characters in your head. It makes you the person. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, this,

the Southern Oracle is basically like, hey, I totally know how to cure this empress. Don't even worry about it. all you got to do, give her a new name. Oh, yeah. You don't want anything too old world. You don't want to, you know, do you name. You know, like something fun, but not like trash.

You know, like Madison or something like that. And you can't use her current name, childlike empress. Don't use that one. That's her name right now. You're going to want to. I understand the want to use that again because it's such, it just flows off the lips, a childlike empress. But, you know, maybe a daisy.

How about that? I'm surprised childlike empress isn't a band name, right? Because is our Treu now a band name? It is. It is. Oh, yeah. They're like a hardcore, you know, metal. Metal core kind of.

Never heard him. I assume Falcour has also been used. That's got to be. I'd imagine. I mean, I'm sure somebody did. Atreu is just a band that happened to make a big. Has heenie weenie been used yet? For a short time in 88, yes.

Um, but the thing that the Southern Oracle, uh, stipulates here is, uh, they say, um, that no one from Fantasia, uh, so including a trade here can rename her. Only a human child can give her a new name. And the statues start falling apart. I think you have to go to the borders of Fantasia. Beyond the borders. Yeah. Oh, I see why the part of their problems here. Their borders are with Germany. Uh, yeah. This is kind of funny, though, because it's like, you know, yeah, you just kind of go just beyond the boundaries of Fantasia. That's where you can find one. And it's a real like, you want a kid? I can get you a kid. I'll get you a kid by 3 o'clock this afternoon. Want new empress? I'll get you new empress. But then, you know, hop on the Falcourt Expressman and we are going to try to fly to the boundaries. And then this is a weird, this is where Falcour's personality such as it is for this movie. in fits and starts was reminding me of

the ghost of Christmas present in Muppet Christmas Carol. Sure. And like there is this part where they're like flying and he's like faster, Falcourt faster, blah, blah, blah. Hold on tight. There's this whole like, you know,

flying montage and everything. And then he's just like, hey, Falcour man, do you know where you're going? And he's like, I have no idea. I'm getting as fast as I can, kid. I'm drunk right now I don't know what that lady gave me

but it is lasted definitely not vitamins wow this is some creeper beverage I got here I mean I'm seeing everything I'm touching I'm smelling everything that you never can imagine kid oh shit you're still here kid

amazing I thought I killed you years ago I'm about to right now with my drunk flying But we cut to Bastion here. And again, this is, and I get it. It's for kids. You have to telegraph this stuff. But like, it's just so fucking hack and terrible and clunky.

He's like, oh, geez, you know, it's such a bummer. They didn't ask me about a name because I would pick my mother. She had such a wonderful name. And I was like, who are you talking to? I'm going to name the Empress Mommy. Oh, God. Mama I'm the loneliest boy in the world

He truly is Oliver Twist, eat your heart out The Mama Empress But so due to Falcour's wasted flying here They run into the nothing As they start to cross the sea of possibilities And Falcour's trying to keep it together

As the nothing's like attacking them kind of and Atreu falls off into this water and again like this is so cool like the effect is cool the kid fall into the water blah blah blah blah blah blah blah oh better stop all this so Bastion can close a window

because it's raining outside fuck Atreou shit you know it's the rig of this they're trying to make his side of the thing a little dramatic too

because again I mean it's not the best framing device it's not the I agree it is clunky but if you're going to do it I guess do it. That's my... Man, I just fucking killed that kid. Another one. I can't believe it's another

one. Another crack egg on to pay. Well, go back and get another B-12 injection from that gnome or whatever. Find my next accidental victim. That would be hilarious.

If they just like, if Falcour has always, he just like passes over the big rock guy and there's just all these dead kids on the rock and on the shoulders and he's like, are you doing it again, Falc? You lit in another kid go. Man, when we see that rock biter again and he's got that whole little monologue.

Oh, it's tough. Yeah. It's pretty tough, man. They look like good, big, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were. Oh, my little friends, the man with the racing snail, the night hop,

even that stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. There nothing pulled them right out of my hands. That's a good L.O.L. Yeah. Where he calls it a stupid bat because it's an otherwise like pretty emotional, heavy moment. It made even heavier by the fact that it's a rock monster delivering the lines. I was, I was really surprised that they just copied this verbatim for the police station scene in Manchester by the sea.

What do these hands do? Well, they look like big hands, don't they? I ventured out to the convenience store to get more beer and when I came home they were burning alive we were my little snail friend

burned alive and we were playing pool we were doing cocaine so it Treyu wakes up on the beach like it's the end of gravity you know no amulet by the way around his neck

the ambulance done shit so far big loss yeah totally the only thing it did was like prevent him from fully sinking into that sand well it's like kind of it's like a microchip for your dog though you need it to find the dog because he loses this thing and falc or cannot find his ass yeah it's it's it's there it exists because it looks cool yeah right um but yes it's a rock monster this dude gives this fucking speech uh nothing pulled them right out of my hands i failed like it's really

really brutal and the rock monster dude this guy he is ready to he's ready to give up right here because he's just like the nothing pulled them right out of my hands I failed take me away bring on the nose

he's like ready for the nothing to kill him it's crazy it's great he's eating himself to death just finds some good rocks dude oh pizza the hut himself exactly so there's like some

conveniently just some temple nearby and a tray who runs in there and he sees painted on all the walls various panels you know like chronicling all the adventures that he's had in the story and then uh oh that one wall with the rock painting looks an awful lot like that big evil dog oh my god it's actually the big evil dog welcome back

welcome back welcome back welcome back and I do the dog is awesome it's a great the wolf is awesome but then he's just like do you want to know literally every theme in the movie I got it for you all right just sit out sit out sit out

there is a great like he starts off he goes come any closer and I will rip you to shreds and I was like I'll give you $10 if you do it well did you wonder what that scene meant

all right so what that scene was really about was yeah no you're totally right because it's just like it's the Fantasia has no boundaries, you know, there's human fantasy, yeah. It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature

is a piece of the dream and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries. That's a wild thing, though, because, like, it's kind of getting into like nobody believes in Santa Claus anymore, so he's going to stop existing

because it's really like... That is a problem we're having, actually. He's starting to fade out, like back to the future. Yeah, I mean, because he's says, like, you know, Fantasia's dying because, like, people in the real world have begun to lose hope and forget their dreams. And it's like, oh, boy, next stop, bleak city, dude. This is brutal stuff. Yeah, actually, you know, Wolfgang Peterson said that it, I think it made like 20 million domestically in the United States, 100 million across the world. But he, it was a little

underperforming the United States. And Wolfgang Peterson said because of its European sensibilities, which I think is rock and tits. in nihilism. Yes. Yes, Etreou. People have stopped, stopped dreaming, stopped fantasizing,

and this world's going to die. And it has absolutely nothing to do with job numbers or the fact that you can get bled dry from medical care. It has nothing to do with it. No, no, no.

They stopped dreaming, is the problem. They just stopped dreaming. They don't read books anymore. They play video games. Context has nothing to fucking do with it. The dreams just died, okay? it wasn't me who got smaller it was the dreams

yeah so gomort continues about how he's the servant of the power behind the nothing he was sent to kill the one who could stop the nothing his name was a treu i guess i'll never get him but i could kill you or whatever oh but i am a tree and it's it's pretty cool i'm ready let's go to hell tonight the kid gets oh absolutely if i'm gonna die i'll die fighting yeah yeah come for me gomork uh and this dog pounces and a tray who just runs him through he actually, you know what he does?

He edges him. He does the fucking spear thing that they do to the bear in that movie. And it's a flawless victory. Oh, absolutely. Dude, this kid doesn't have a fucking hair on his head tussled. Yeah, it is great. It's like the big wolf puppet like on top of this kid and he's trying to push it off. That's pretty

funny. You know the power behind the nothing. It's like, fuck, really? That's oh, I kind of thought he's going to do something. I don't know. what the fuck did I summon that for it didn't do anything you know Eric I was looking at the on the Numbers.com

for the box office Oh is it higher did I get it wrong? No it's way lower actually it actually unless this this must this has to be incomplete because it says Domestic my figures from Wikipedia it says a gross of about

20 million US domestically Yeah I see I see 213 domestic International though this is listing at just under 128K that can't it's probably million yeah that's got to be it

stupid the numbers I'm going to send them an email oh yeah I'm sure you will you know it so like while this is going the aftermath of the fight happens here and then we cut to Falcour this is pretty cool like he splashes

underwater and he's you know swimming around and finds the amulet there picks it up with his little dog dragon teeth which is kind of cute. Meanwhile, like, the whole world is literally falling apart. And this imagery was really great. Like, Fantasia totally burst into a bunch of

pieces, and it's like Falcour and Atreu kind of just flying through like a nether space sort of thing. All this imagery is really awesome. It's cool. Yeah. And it's the great. One of them says, I think it's Falcour, he's like, oh, the land is gone. Which is pretty sweet.

Except for, thank God, the ivory tower is still standing. Here we come. We're finally getting there. We're going to finally meet the childlike empress. That's right. There's a really funny did anybody see on the trivia there's one part where it's like

despite her name being childlike empress. The empress has actually been around for centuries and victories. Yeah I think that's what child like. The like is making me think that yeah she's probably only than that. Yeah. It's just like what a

great use of your time adding that to the internet whoever did. I mean, if she was called the child empress, they'd really have something there. That's true. Dude, so we're flying towards this ivory tower, right? And I'm like pretty cool imagery here. Like the look of flying through space, everything. Cannot wait to get inside this ivory tower.

Uh-oh. Got to cut back to Bastion who just whispers the empress while shoving a piece of apple in his gross little face. Pretty pointless. I didn't forget he's in the fucking movie, everybody. Meanwhile, there's a wicked storm And Major Dad is just in the dark Drinking whiskey

Like, this is exactly the life I want Finally, quiet You're not keeping me up with little daydreams anymore I can't pin this one on me I was no one anymore Won't have to sit through a year in court Like I did with Betty God solve that dateline

Yeah, I'll talk to you about this one Dateline, I didn't have nothing to do with him. In fact, someone probably kidnapped him targeting me because of all your coverage. I'm the victim, you understand. So, yeah, they, you know, Falcourt lands on the, you know, just outside the tower entrance. And, you know, he's like,

go on, finish the movie. Get in there. I got stuff to do, kid. Exactly. I got to go get my B12 shot. you know he walks in and there's the childlike empress you know this little girl and she's immediately like why do you look so sad

and he's like lady if you knew the movie that I just went through you know what a horse is do you know what a horse is oh that got me but you know she basically is like

hey you know this is pretty great. Like, we're going to wrap this all up here. My name is incoming. And it's like, this is like, for all the slow joes in the back row, like going back and forth between the story and the kid reading the book.

And he's like, could it be me? Could it be I? You know, while the empress is saying, like, well, you don't worry about it. Atreou, like, you did succeed. You brought him with you. The earthling child, the one who could save us all. She leans in really close.

He's listening to every word we say. Careful. That blink twice if you're uncomfortable. Okay, good. Oh, let me just hang up. Before we talk, I got to turn up this radio here. Oh, black Betty.

This kid's a real fucking freak, all right? You don't want to talk. Do not get him upset. Don't talk about dead mothers. You're wearing a fucking wire in my eyes at tower. Dude, she fucking rips his shirt open and throws him off. There's no rats in the kingdom of Fantasia. You brought him right here, you fucking moron!

Is this your friend, Falcour? Could you bring this shit to my fucking power? No, never saw him before. Oh, man, that would be awesome if there was kind of a freak out there. But, you know, it's this weird, like, you know, she's like, yes, you did succeed. You did get the earth.

He has suffered with you. And now he has come here with you. He's listening to everywhere. And then we get even more better because she's like, and there are people watching him. It's like, oh, okay, we're all the same thing. Yeah. Like, he doesn't realize he's already part of the,

is everybody ready? Neverending story! Oh, we just say it. Now, let me just tell you something. Now, this is a word you probably haven't heard before, audience. Now, let me explain to you what that is. No, it's just like you have a grain of like a happy sand

that you keep in your boss. And you could create your own story from that little grain from safe. Everything goes dark. And yeah, then yes, she has the grain of sand that they can now recreate Fantasia with.

Everything goes dark because Bastian's a little fucking loser. And he's just, they're like fucking say a name. Say any names. But I can't. Just yell it out. You're fucking jacking off this book all day anyway.

He's torturing these characters. She's like, let me watch him. Struggle, Alay Lamar. Dude, they are begging him. Any more horses you could kill for me? They're begging him to say this name. And he does yell out before it goes dark. And that was the other thing.

Like, you just literally just need to say it, kid. Why are you climbing a ladder to open a window to scream it outside where no one is going to hear anything anyway? And I get it. Like, it's a movie. You're trying to make it exciting. But, like, again, clock is ticking. This world is crumbling. He opened the window and this whipping storm is going on.

He's like, this is the name. And you hear out of nowhere, hey, who let you out of the garbage? Oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Oh, shit, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. I better get back to the dumpster. Sorry, Atreou. I'll lock it. I'll lock it behind me, I swear.

And it's just this really weird moment where it's literally, you know, the empress and Bastion standing there. And he says, like, why is it so dark? And she's like, in the beginning, it's, always dark child and then this is she gives him like here's one grain of sand it's all that's left of Fantasia

thanks for nothing by the way hey thanks for a whole lot of nothing exactly get building here you can make a wish and he's like how many wishes do I have and she's like unlimited of course you have to build this whole world back stupid please start with my ivory tower

I really like the place please thank you yeah totally the cable's knocked out here in the tower if you wish for that to be back on when you wish for it a swimming pool, a nice one? Yeah. One of them there are infinity pools. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Going right, looking right off the tower, that would be gorgeous.

Yeah, well, his first wish is to ride Falcour, and then when he's riding Falcour, we see that his other wishes were to bring back every, you know, sites to bring back everyone, the Rockbiter and the whole camp of people there, like teeny weenie and the night hob or whatever. Yeah. And hey, Artreu and Artex are back. And who's that with them, Abe Lincoln? Wow, and Genghis Khan and Sigmund Freud.

Joan of Arc, yeah, they're having adventures. Wow, beef of it. Natalie Wood. Oh, my God. Wow, well, she wasn't in Bill Intense. There's only, we can only do so much with the magic. She's, she can't wish her back. No magic can undo the curse of that evil Robert way.

He's a powerful sorcerer. Yes, he's the one that's... Oh, no, I just had a nightmare that somebody tried to bring back Natalie Wood. I know the secret. I'm sitting around waiting for Wagner to die so I know that I can go to my grave

in peace, because he won't spill the beans. I'm trying to dodge Dateline. I don't want that creepy skeleton guy with the blonde white hair asking me questions. saying no comment yes but he's riding

Falcourt which that's kind of cool like you know my first wish is to ride this thing that I've been reading about that's nice and then Falcourt is like who would you like for your next wish could we go into the real world and wreak havoc and maybe we'll be shot and killed over a major

of dangerous city that's the thing exactly the National Guard needs to shoot this thing down watch out Falcour they got King Kong, they'll get you too. But yeah, him flying over the city, it's fun chasing the bullies. And people react on the street too. People are definitely seen at this thing.

Yeah, it's not just the bullies that see these guys, which is pretty funny. And then, you know, Fox Mulder has to get down there. Scully, there was a luck dragon spotted flying over Vancouver. Luckily, it's before the sixth season and we're still filming here. Let's go. What's a luck dragon? I gotta say the funny thing too is Falcour is really getting a laugh out of terrorizing these children

Oh yeah dude That one had a heart attack And they throw themselves out which is great Yes they all jump in the thing Hey what's that? Oh no a rocket launcher RPG I took the turn too hard I'm careading into the buildings he just causes all of his destruction oh my god she had a baby man she had a baby

wait how many wishes do you got left man we got to reset some of this stuff you know what it's not even appropriate to laugh right now man that was a baby we got to get you out of here they're going to be after you buddy they're going to come for you what what do you mean you can't wish humans back to life justin just in fantastic We got to get out of here. Yeah, that's kind of funny, right? Like, I was expecting that to happen. The mother, bring my mom back.

Oh, God. No, thank God they don't do that. No, no, no, no. But instead, we're left with a narrator who I think we've only heard me once before. If that, who's just like, well, and then after they got bored terrorizing the townsfolk, well, they went back to Fantasia. And there was much more construction work to happen and fun adventures, but, well, that's for another story right him uh him going back to the ordinary world is also for

another story so he stays I guess in Fantasia for a while now is that second movie that takes place I guess is that that plot I forget the second movie I think he I think it starts in the real world that he has to go back uh yeah that's what I remember

but that's like literally it like after that I'm like I think the rock guy maybe comes back well because apparently also here we go Bastion Balth, whoa, this kid's name is Bastion Balthazar Bucks, by the way. Jesus. Oh, that sucks. Seeks to join the high school swimming team. You know why.

Oh, yeah, because otherwise he was getting hit this summer. But his ability to dive diving board is, yeah, so then he goes back to Fentd. I almost got like, oh my lord, I need to rewatch that never-ending story too. It's directed by George Miller, but it's I was just looking at that different guy. Different George Miller. Which is funny because on Wikipedia, it says George T Miller,

but clearly on his IMDB, this dude just passed away this year, apparently. His IMDB page, and he's like, no, no, no. I'm leaving that T you off. Fuck that guy. Fuck that Australian son of a bitch. I'm the American one. I'm the better one. I did it.

Never reading story part two. Why should I change? He's the one that sucks. Oh, what is he known for? Lorenzo's oil. Come on, just go with me on this one. Yeah, come on. Doesn't everyone talk about the man from Snow?

Snowy River. Yeah, come on. Oh, definitely. And whatever Matlock TV movie that guy. I want to see the man from Snowy River starring Kirk Douglas. Oh, all right, all right. Might be nice.

Rated PG, though, yeah. Oh, that's trouble. Different guy playing Atreu in that second movie, though. Oh, yeah, they recast it to shit. Names Kenny Morrison. All right. Yeah. That's a big, a big, who cares.

So that is the end of this movie 90-ish some odd minutes there But I do like the idea that like It's only the first part of this book Because like that means it is kind of a never-ending story At least for a little bit I go around the horn here Final thoughts and recommendations Chris Cabin

It's fine I can't really say other like I guess if you really like Creature effects and stuff like that You should see it just to see these The creations that are made here The Rock Monster is really cool. I mean, all of it looks pretty cool.

I just, I find this, I found this so annoying. Like, the framing of device is a problem. Like, if you had had one thing in the middle where you go back to Bastion and, like, kind of, like, reform and kind of, like, be like, oh, what just happened? Oh, man. But it is like, I'm, every 10 minutes or so, this kid is back on the fucking TV. And I can't take it. Like, it's just, and I also, I, I, I personally, I know, we went over this with Guardians three. I don't think the, I don't think the horse thing really works that well.

I think you've had one scene with this kid and his horse. And I'm like, oh, of course, they're bonded out. Oh, you just want to see him fuck the horse first before he cries. No, but I think, Chris, that is a good point if you had more scenes. Because it is like, the adventure is just getting going. Yeah. And the horse eats shit in the first obstacle. And you're like, it doesn't even matter to me.

Like, it's just like, oh, it was just a cute horse. You just killed a cute horse because you want me to remember something now. But you don't, you don't believe that someone could. have an attachment to an animal without establishing that attachment? I do. I would like to see it on screen. If we're going to do stuff like this, the interior, the thing this guy cares about is a thing and matters to the movie, then I want to see them bond. I want to see a guy with a dog. I can assume he likes his dog. Sure. But like that's, but my point is, Eric, is it's all plot. Like it never stops to have some moment with this kid,

one, either of the kids, just like being like a kid and like figure out who they are and like having time alone with themselves because there's the venture story. I get it, but I also think the horse thing is kind of stupid. Well, I disagree with the horse death being bad, but I see what you're saying for sure. There could have been a little more to establish these things. Yeah. So, you know, not see it once, I guess it's fine, but otherwise, not my cup of tea. Uh, we'll save Eric Cisca for last here, but Steve Sadec. Yeah, I mean, like, I think it's a fun, it was fun to really watch it. I haven't thought about this movie a lot in the last 30 years. that I was like, oh, this part, oh, that part.

So there's, you know, that's, that's kind of cool in revisiting, but I'm, I'm not going to go back, you know what I mean? Like, I do think that there's like, it is a little light in content. I think the 90-minute runtime, which I appreciate, certainly. You could do more with it. There could be, like, more exploration of villages and so on and so forth. And, like, you know, I would like to see more of the shit goblin and more of Deep Roy. You know what I mean?

Like, I feel like there's a lot left on the table at the end of this movie, which is, again, fine, but it just, it's, and I also don't think that the meta-ness works the way that the movie wants it to in terms of like, but really circling that square. It doesn't really do that job that well. It seems like that would work better. If that's an element they keep in the book where it's like, it's a one-to-one as far as the medium, I think that makes a little more sense. Yes. Then it's like, oh yeah, kid, you know, you're reading this book and someone is reading a book that's your story. Yeah.

When you do like book to movie, it doesn't translate as well. Yep. Yeah, that's me. Yeah. No, I'll say, you know, if you haven't seen it before, and, you know,

I will say if you haven't seen it before and you're like big into fantasy and creature effects and stuff, definitely check it out. If that's not your cup of tea, do not bother. It is 90 minutes that you're not going to enjoy. I think the editing is truly terrible.

The framing device does not work. I think the kids are terrible. But I did like, all the effects. I liked all of the music, including I think the thing that I got the most from watching this movie was tooling around on Wikipedia for the movie and learning that, you know, while Maroder did a bunch of tunes for the movie, he didn't compose the actual score. That was by a German fellow by the name of Klaus Doldinger. And he was a guy, he was a German jazz musician who was in this group called Passport. And I found a couple of their albums

on Apple Music. And I got to say, Passport, man, 1970s German jazz, pretty fun stuff. Okay. Yeah, I would recommend checking out

the music of Passport. But yeah, that's me. Eric Siska, turn the lights off at the clubhouse. Sure. Oh, boy. But then there'll be just a grain

of we ate movies and we'll have to re-envision it for next time. That's right. Oh, that's right. I think this movie is a classic. I know maybe that's, you know,

that's kind of, it's part of, I know, I definitely know part of that is the nostalgia of having seen it a bunch as a kid. And I do agree with the faults that you guys are pointing out. It certainly has them, but for a, you know, a foreign financed movie to have this scope of ambition and Peterson going for it. And just like, just, yeah, we're going to make a dog dragon. And it worked. I mean, there's certainly stuff that didn't work in the movie, but a lot of it does. So it's a recommend for me. I think it's, I think I had a good time rewatching it today. I hadn't seen in like 25 years. Right. But certainly there was problems with the shit boys and whatever else. But I just, the music, the, the, like, Matt paintings of these fucking. Yeah. You know, the ivory towers and stuff. That's what I really appreciate. And I also love the horse death. It's a pity they bring them back. They should have left them dead like the mother.

That is going to do it for this episode on the never-ending story. story, gang. If you want more We Hate Movies, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. Where this month we have a We Love Movies episode all about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, which was a real fun one

to lay down. We had a ball talking about that and poking fun at it here and there. We also got a lot of good stuff coming up. Of course, you know, all your faves, Melrose 210, the Nexus, they are there for June as well. What are we doing on AD, Steve? Do we know? We do not know,

At the time of recording, no, no, no. Same thing for Glee Plostery? We don't know yet. Yeah, that's right. See, this is what happens, folks. We've got to record episodes in advance of tour. We're just so far ahead of schedule. So you're going to have to get the big daddy dispatch and find out yourself when that comes out.

But I guarantee they're great. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's why I didn't even say that. That's what you're done. It's the best deal in podcast. Oh, here's the thing, though. Even though we're recording this this far in advance, one thing we do know we're doing is that in the month of June, y'all, on that top tier on pay.

the Walsh tier itself, we will be bringing back once in a lifetime, and you better believe Dr. Beck will be coming along for the ride. Finally, the sleepwalkers nightmare. I'm so excited. Stocked by my doctor. And if you like those stalked by my doctor movies, we've done all of them leading up to this movie, including sleepwalking and suburbia, which this new Dr. Beck adventure is a crossover event.

Mind if I cross over in your story, too? Dr. Beck by the barrel. That shit, like reading this. They're like, no, Dr. Beck. And at some point this month, I don't know that we've even selected the title. Probably somewhere towards the end of the month, gang. The Q2 commentary will be coming out.

Of course, our beloved singable commentaries, if you want to catch up on those, the most recent one we did was back earlier this year on John Wick. That was a lot of fun. So title TBD, but folks love those commentaries, man. It's like watching a movie with us. talk over it, joke around.

You know, Steve's spilling beer all over the floor in real time. It's great stuff. But as always, on the main feed here, we hate movies. Rolls on next Tuesday, another episode. We'll drop, as always. Steve, what are we going to be talking about that? We're going to get our popcorn and get our buns over to the movies because we will be doing an emergency episode on Transformers, Rise of the Beasts.

And, you know, it could be a WLM. Who does? You know, who does? You never know. This is a little bit of April, like, leaking out, I think, right? Because there's an oil leaking out, I mean, how are we not going to do it? We've done all the Transformers movies. Exactly.

How are we not going to be doing what about ape transformers? Oil leaking out, by the way, with Optimus Prime Cream Pie? See, I mean, this is, this is the content you're going to get next week, ladies and gentlemen. This is exactly it. There's a little preview for that one. Because it is a movie that will still be in theaters, of course, the, Notetaking and memory situation might be a little rough. So who knows?

You might get a 75 minute episode next week. Also, because if that movie is just nothing but like robots fighting and not much story, you know. But I'm just glad that it didn't turn out to be what IMDB was mistakenly saying the runtime was, which was like close to four hours. Come on. That really, I don't know how you fuck that up, IMD. That's really embarrassing. But until next week, gang, when we were talking about Transformers, Rise of the Machines? Rise of the Beasts.

Oh, excuse me. So until next week, gang, when we're talking about Transformers, colon, Rise of the Beasts. I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin.

Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.