We Hate Movies - S13 Ep681: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (with Ben Worcester)

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

The Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza goes shopping this week as the gang welcomes back friend of the show, Ben Worcester to chat about the not-great comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop! Why is 90% of this film’s comedy just poking fun at Kevin’s weight? Is Paul Blart a perfect Todd Solondz character? And is there anything more dated in this film than all the Segway comedy? Maybe the playing of Rock Band? PLUS: Much praise for the underrated teen comedy, Angus! Paul Blart: Mall Cop stars Kevin James, Keir O’Donnell, Jayma Mays, Raini Rodriguez, Shirley Knight, Steve Rannazzisi, Peter Garety, Bobby Cannavale, and Adam Ferrara as Sergeant Howard; directed by Steve Carr. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, starting as low as $3 a month! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Tour 2023, KONG, DILF Den & Grab-Ass & Cancer designs! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/whm and get on your way to being your best self. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This week on the program, it's like die hard in a mall with total idiots. It's Paul Blart Mall Cup. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Eric Blart. Chris Cabin. Ben Blart.

Thank you. The Lart Brother. Oh, shit. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the fine program, as always, the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues this week with Paul Blart-Balkop and I know what you're thinking at home. It was released in January, which you are right. However, thanks a lot, America. This was a major, major motion picture.

Over $100 million. $183 million. Wow. So I think it qualifies in America. You'll recover. And next week we'll have a hot summer sizzler. Yeah, that's right. Kevin James needed a third house, everybody.

Help the man. And speaking of hot summer sizzlers, we're bringing one of our hottest buds back to talk about this one. Worcester. Oh, I'm roasting over here. Oh, my God. Look at that hot little tenderloin. That nice cut of beef.

I do remember that January being quite balmy. Yes, and Ben is very balmy. Ben, of course, also on the Hooked on T.J. Hooker podcast. That's right. Sort of relates. It's a portly cop that's disrespected. Yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Although I don't think Paul Blart quite has the heavy hand that R.T.J. does. And also, Thomas Jefferson Hooker, for what Went to the Academy became an actual police officer. This dude is just farting around a food court man. But I do think they both had sweaty tits.

Yeah. In both cases, they had hot milkers. And a little bit they both got a little support upstairs. I'll tell you that much. That's right. They're wearing hats. Both of them are wearing hats in hair. I think KJ's got

that thing sewn on. You couldn't get that thing off with a jackhammer. Absolutely. This shitty motion picture and don't worry, it's shit is from 2009 directed by Steve Carr, who you may know. Beep.

Is the Helmer behind? No, it's two R's. Two R's. Not BEEPBee. What is that? That means railroad. Yeah, that's Bip Boop. That's not BEEPBee Pee-Bee.

Well, Mr. Bip-Boo-Choo-Choo directed next Friday. Okay. Dr. Doolittle Dose. Uh-huh. Daddy Daycare. Oh, great. Rebound.

Oh, man. What's that? That's a movie where Martin Lawrence is a wacky basketball coach for children. It sounds better than this. And are we done yet? Oh, boy. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I was. Yeah. With the exception I would argue of next Friday, which isn't the original, but it's fine. Otherwise, this filmography, 100% episodes as far as the I could see. Oh, yes. Do you know who

co-wrote it? No. The guy when Elaine's hair gets the funk in it. And she has to get the boyfriend. The boyfriend is the co-writer of this movie. The guy did the voice of Sala of the Cat. This guy, I saw the name pop up, Nick Backeye. Yes.

And I was just like, I don't know. You were blown away. Well, here's why I was blown away. A couple of months ago, I was talking with a buddy of mine, trying to remember this thing on ESPN called Tale of the Tape from like the 90s. Do you guys remember vaguely remember Tale of the Tape? It was like this. thing where, it was Nick Pachai, but he

gets on and he kind of runs down the stats of two, like Michael Jordan versus you know, John Kruk or whatever. That was an easy comparison for me to make that week. But like he puts out some numbers and then he's like Advantage Jordan.

Okay. Advantage Jordan. Advantage Kruk. And like, it makes his whole thing about it. But the funniest part of it is when he goes, he puts two things out and they're kind of like funny comparison. He goes, advantage push oh push

that means there's no advantage no advantage it's a tie is that a gambling thing yes yeah yeah yeah that's why Steve knew it immediately that's the Bronx right exactly you're got your confirmation they hand you the bookies listings no incorrect when you're playing

silo with your buddies you know every you tie with a friend you push and then you go on to the next round that's right you push it similarly look the Nick Pekai thing on that Elaine episode of Seinfeld, the B.O. episode. The Smelly Car.

He's sniffing her. Smelly Steve Car. She is a 1990 whatever Elaine Benis. And she is so horny for this chubby ginger dick. I've never seen anything like it. She's like Jerry, I got to get the smell out of my hair because I got to go fuck this ginger

ghost. It's so pale you can see through this guy. I've seen this man in a sweater vest and I had to take my panties off. They were just useless at that point. It's just insane that Elaine Benis was dropping panties for this guy. I think he might be the the least attractive dude Elaine

bangs on that show. Yet he was sponge worthy. He was. That artist was no prize neither, right? The guy with the trial. Or big date. Oh yes. They're a big date on Saturday night. Oh, right.

She stops off for candy. Let it go. It's Elaine. Come on. Can we please go to the polka notes? This starts with a CGI badge of the The score, this fucking in the line of fire opening that we're trying to do. Is that what that?

I was like, is this, is this police academy? I can't remember. It's the top gun. Not the badge part, but just that like, it's pseudo-marching music and you're getting the drums and it's a lot of like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, blard. Blah, blah, bo, bo, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's because it reminded me of a movie we have often threatened to do on this show. The Dragnet movie.

Oh, right. When it opens and it's doing the same thing It's going over a badge And it has that shitty fucking To enforce the law To enforce the law The problem with Dragnet The movie is every year

One more person who knew about that movie Dies of Old Age And like It's true Just every year we just lose An opportunity to do that film The kids love Paul Blark They love the Blark

Have grown up on this I saw someone I think maybe was a review But I was saying like Oh my Lord this is not exactly as funny as I thought it was when I was 12. Oh, you're 12 when this came out.

I'll be out back killing myself. Yes, we're old ghosts in the Vaughnville Theater. 2009. Yeah, that's right. So like nearly 27 now or something. Question about the year 2009. I also noticed that in a, I guess, is this a volcano Dante's Peak situation here?

Yes, observe and report. Which is the superior film. A much better movie. Oh my God. Jody Hill. I remember like that a lot. Yeah, like it was like dark and had like weird corners too. I haven't seen it in a while but I remember really enjoying that one.

It's like it's like this but with like real overtures of like Travis Bickle shit. Well, because I mean it's like it asks the question, what if you really wanted to be a cop? Do you know what I mean? Right. As opposed to like I want to be a cop because I want to save everyone in my community because I'm a fucking cartoon cat. And I have a kid and no wife because that's. That's what tested well or whatever. This is just such manufactured fucking garbage.

Oh, sorry. Do I cut Joe? Did I cut that rant off, Dennis? No, no. It's just also like, happy Madison. I mean, they've had their moments. Sure. This is why we don't have comedies anymore.

This is why we don't have comedies. This is the biggest, if I read today correctly, this is the biggest grossing non-Adam Sandler, Happy Madison production. Wow. So eat shit, Nick Swordson. Well, I was going to say, what do you got there? Nick Swordson, you got fucking Grandma's boy. What was that

Nick Swartson movie where he was like he was in fucking Larson? I think grandma's boy might be the better one. Oh, that is better than this. Yeah, better than this. Yes, for sure. It was a better. Which is insane because it's like, all right, Sandman, who do you want leading this movie that you don't want to star in? Fucking Kevin James or Alan

Covert? That's the guy. Yeah. That's the guy. I never remember because he's covert. What was? A quick question, Ben. were you a King of Queens man growing up or like not growing up does he look 57 years old you never know people have weird you you're a Beckerhead over here

I was a Beckerhead professionally I was literally getting paid to watch CBS Worldwide distribution of Ted head The Ted head Yeah but King of Queens was not that long ago Right but it's like 2005 I think 2006 I mean I was never all that engaged Whenever it came up

98, King of Queens, by the way. That's when that started. 98 to 2007. So, geez. I think I recall being surprised when someone's like, you know, Pat and Oswald's in that show? Really?

Everybody's going to eat, Ben. Jerry Stiller. I mean, like, it had some hitters in there. I watched a couple episodes of Raymond. I would get into Raymond occasionally if you were like, if things were getting dire on the dial. I was not a Ray, Ray, man.

No. I've never, I don't, I think to this day, I have not watched a full episode. of everybody loves Raymond. I have somehow avoided this. I dodged that. I dodged King of Queens. I looked at both of them and I was like, these are aggressively not for me. I do not give a fuck about either. I also professionally watched it when I was at Nielsen having to do the

what, Becker? No, no, no, no, King of Queens. Oh, oh. So you're the most well first. I am the most well first. And I also, I was for a moment in Kevin James's Corner because I thought the stand-up special The stand-up specials are funny. The stand-up specials are funny. Those early specials, the physicality. Sweat-small stuff is the one. I think he maybe had some other

like comedy central, you know, lead-ups to sweat-the-sploss stuff. I think we got to go back and listen to those. I'm wondering if there's something insane in that set. I mean,

there probably is. There might be, yeah. I remember, I remember it being very about his energy. Like he wasn't really getting political or anything. I think it's very Gaffigan-esque of like, oh, man,

don't you love fast food, et cetera. Well, he's got the great bit that they kind of... I thought they were, like, maybe referencing a little bit towards the end of this movie when Bobby Conavale is trying to get in the minivan and they can't get the door open, because he's got that great bit in sweat, the small stuff about, like, getting frustrated

when you're trying to unlock the door and the person's hitting it at the wrong time, and he's doing the, like, what's the noise he's making? He's like, c cuck cuck cuck, cuck, no, no, try it now. Cuckoo cuck, cuck. Yeah, so we start off. He is at the New Jersey State Police Academy. right doesn't seem like a lot of fun things going on like the police academy i know tit sweat out of the gate he's sweating the big stuff

he's sweating at all it's fucking two big things yes his hooters his hooters are lactating he's also the tiniest cadet uh that he all of a sudden it's like rap he's a tiny one and that like and this just begins what is a long line of just humiliation like dude this guy has a shame kink i'm certain of it There's just no other way to explain what's going on here. The amount of times I wrote the word humiliated or variations of in my notes, which is a record setting thing. Which is why it couldn't be a Sandler movie, right?

Because Sandler would never deface himself like this. The reason Kevin James is in the Happy Madison verse is because Chris Farley died. You look at that grown-ups cast and it's like, well, someone looks an awful lot like somebody else and wasn't on Saturday Night Live at all. One of these things is not like the other. I, every time I see him, I'm like Angelina Jolie and change and like, that's not my Chris. Oh, man, you just reminded me of something I want to rant about really quickly. Okay. It's so fucking disgusting.

But what about the plot of the movie? Oh, no, we're going to, there's so much plot to get to. These AI art losers, these fucking people, dude. I saw this thing the other day. So it's really out of nowhere. So there's, yeah, blarded NFTs. No, no, but no, Chris, Chris talking about. No, NFTs was the last hustle.

This is the new one. Chris talking about Farley is what kicked this loose because the thing was we used AI art to generate images of what all these dead stars would look like today. And here's old Chris Farley. Here's old John Lennon. Eat my ass, you fucking loser. Also, that's old news. We already know old John Lennon. We've all seen yesterday.

We know what old John Lennon looks like. Don't fuck with me on this. Carlisle with a little gray. Yeah. It's fine. He's looking good. This whole AI thing, it's just like, it's not like the computer becomes alive and then draws this image. It's just a, it's a fucking Photoshop program. Yeah. It's like that old thing. You remember that bonus game? I think it was in Super Mary Brothers 3 where it's like, it's like the toad head. It's spinning and the flower is

spinning and the star is spinning and you have to make it match. It's basically that, but a little bit, a little bit better. Right. No, I agree. But it. But it. excreted. Because that's what, I mean, the AI makes these images or text or whatever from ingesting the internet images or text or audio. The audio is weird. I mean, AI,

am I a Canadian starting a sentence? Yeah, I can't. And I mean, like, anyone who takes it true seriously, I just take it. But then you, that's the other part of it, right? Is the people presenting it are like, look at the amazing stuff. Like this fucking idiot I saw the other day. Did you see the one with the Mona Lisa where it's like,

The AI imagined what it looked like if it was even fine. And it's like the Mona Lisa sitting next to Mordor. You're fucking idiots. It's so stupid. I am kind of compelled now, though, to query like Mona Lisa like smoking a cigar. You can do it, dude. We're living in a cold and age bed. It can happen.

You know, you can step that up from a cigar if you want. Look, I will allow but one thing from AI. You can put in this prompt. Show me a good movie starring Kevin James. because it can only be, like, created out of nothing. Oh, dude, that's how you fucking war games it. It's like the only winning move is not to play. Professor Fott, would you like an ice game of the suckers?

The Russian nukes are armed. Hitch to here comes the boom. Hitch to here comes the boom. We can't win. We can't win. Well, unfortunately, instead of an AI behind the pen, we had Nick Bikai, which is why sweaty tits were like. Of course.

in the first minute. He's doing the obstacle course, of course. But he's doing it really well, though. He is so well. Because Kevin James weirdly athletic. That's just like Farley. Exactly. That's the thing that makes it almost too farley ask.

I would almost prefer him to get even more athletic. Half this movie is standing on the Segway. Yes. It's a nothing thing. Anyway, he gets a diabetic coma during this fucking run. This is his big fat character trait. Hypoglycemia. you know, which he is, to be fair,

he is unbelievably terrible about managing his situation. Yes, I mean, because he's a child. This is a high school movie. This is a high school movie, but this is Angus. Don't you dare. Don't you do. Angus is a great movie. I will not hear you. Angus is fine. What works about Angus is it's a fat child, not a fat man.

Fine. Man child. This is a man child. and they, and they, it's like, but you have a man child and a kid, there's too much. George C. Scott isn't in this yet. That's very true. You know what?

I watched, Chris, I rewatched Angus over the pandemic. And it's fine motion. It's a good movie. You know, I was channeling George C. Scott when watching it. Oh, yeah. Turn it off.

Oh, absolutely. Turn it off. The weird thing about it being hypoglycemia was like when he falls and he face plans like right before the finish line. Well, but, what you hear is like a loud snoring. Yeah.

I was like, oh, he's got narcolepsy. I mean, the thing, like, but you're right. Like, you're an adult manage it. Bring like granola bars and you'll be flying. And if this is an adult movie, have him have a necrophilia instead of necrol, whatever. No, necromanic starring Kevin James. No, thank you. No, I'm not.

I've seen both of those. Listen, I've seen both of those necromanic movies. I'll tell you right now, no one would be into that. But listen, Paul Blart, this character, would be fucking the dead. Right, sure. He would be doing some real names. Because there's something definitely repress. If you are taking this kind of punishment and just blowing it off as like, oh, well, oh, God, I can't wait to see my, my mother and my daughter tonight.

And everybody hates me. Okay. Family Annihilator vibes written all over. He absolutely does. It's kind of stunning that he's not the one that Tres delayed. siege on this mall. Right. He's just like just one day something fucking snaps in his head. Which would be more interesting. I guess it's more like observant report. That is kind of more like observant report. Yeah. So yeah, it's like, oh, you're probably wondering how I got here.

Well, hypoglycemia. Let's go home where I can pathetically eat dinner with my mother and daughter. This whole thing about like, get me a piece of pie and he's putting peanut butter or Shirley Knight. That's a real question for the room here because I don't know. I've never seen it before. I'm not a pie guy. I don't eat pie in any striped. Which is insane, by the way. The comments are lighting a fire. I know that. And I will bring it up every time. I'm a cake person.

But I don't have a sweet tooth. Just give me Doritos. But I don't, but the peanut butter on pie, Ben, are you put peanut butter on pie? That's demented. No, I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. If I saw very clearly, it was like a chocolate. Sure. Some kind of thing, like a ganache. I don't know.

But this is clearly like a blueberry or. a raspberry pie and he's smothering it in peanut butter. So is it supposed to be a funny thing that he's doing? Oh, it's supposed to be hilarious. It's supposed to be so funny how fat he is. Got it. Like, oh my god, this guy is so fat. He's adding all these calories onto the pie

after the dinner and he needs the pie immediately. Isn't that so funny? Oh, by the way, his kid's fat too. Laugh at that and here's a picture of his ex who was a migrant that was fat, which is the doubles the darkest sin on earth. A migrant con artist. That's not

It's so fucking insane that this movie, it can't just be like his wife left him because he's a fucking mall security guard. No, no, no, no. This is a fucking undocumented person that quote unquote scammed him. Like, what a fucking thing to throw in your movie. And left him with a daughter too.

Like, I mean, like, even if you scam somebody, you get pregnant by them, you take the kid. That's the move, right? But I feel like it's just this undercurrent of like, see, see what they do. Well, that's the thing is because he is. is the type to remember that and be like, oh, you know, pie film is, it's just like jam. So you put a little peanut with your jam.

Can we pause the movie for a second to let you know they don't even support their own. Okay, look at this. I can't believe this. Anyway, back to the film. It feels like that's what it's doing. It's that, but it's also the setup of a Todd Salon's film. You know what I mean? Like, this is the beginning of it.

It's like this sad guy and he's living there and he's jerking off upstairs to pictures of his dead wife. Absolutely. Or whatever is happening. Totally. If she was dead. It would be. something if she was dead my god well but like there's no way happy madison's going for that but what steve is putting together there is actually sounding like a pretty interesting film that like

iFC would put out yes exactly no no it just this has to be the most pathetic man ever produced i don't i would keep the kid out of it because actually and we'll get to it i don't know how she winds up being a hostage at the end of the movie i don't know either there just kind of teleports in to the situation she winds up being a hostage of the movie because you didn't you didn't remember it but she's bringing him food at work. He works in a ball and you've got to bring him food. Extra.

You know why? Because he's a big fella. This movie does not miss a second to remind you that he's a big guy. But that's the thing is like, I mean like, just cut her out of it. You cut that story out. Then he's just sort of like, it's a little more relaxed where it's just like he's living and home with his mom. He's a mall security guard.

He always wanted to be a cop. It's just, it's, it's clean. you know what I mean? And he has a crush on the other girl and he wants to make a big splash and it is Angus. But I guess Angus didn't have a child in that movie.

He had a friend that was kind of his child. Got it. Yeah, the Shermanator was his little friend. Oh, I forgot the Sherman. Also, Angus just had like just so much more confidence than this man has. Well, that's the thing is they cared more about that character turned like Angus actually cared about those character beats.

And when you're in Paul Blart, it's just the fat show until the end. I think, like, I honestly think he should just be a loner, have him be alone on his own, at least give him that, that he can handle himself, that he can fucking pay the rent. Like that. No, no, no, no, no, because mommy has to make his dating profile for him. That's what drives me crazy because it's essentially like being like,

you know fucking Will Ferrell's character and wedding crash shift? What if he was the most, like, oh, he's so sweet. Like, if how about he's just treated like that? perfect because it's like that's what they kind of wanted I think. Yes. Like, you know, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, there's some like weird, fucked up shit in it, but they play it with this

like kind of, they're not going for true like pathos, really. And when they do, Sandler can pull it off. Farley can pull it off. Kevin James. This was also the air. He's a big fella. The Ox was the era of like the docile

in cell, right? They're not really killing everyone yet. No, they are the best people on earth. They're the best people on the earth. They just need someone to give them a chance and immediately start dating them for asking, oh, can I get a hair extension? But this is the saddest part. I mean, like, again, like, it's just him.

And they light these seeds like fucking gummo, don't they? Like, there's just like one bare naked light bulb above there. You can smell the bathtub. If he's in the bathtub and there's eating disgusting spaghettis and stuff, I'd be like, that makes sense. Maybe it's a realistic picture. Mom, I'm going to need you to bring the spaghetti into the bathtub. Yeah, bring the peanut butter too. Spaghetti pie.

Spaghetti pie. It's a Thanksgiving tradition. Put some of it in the tub with me and then give me a bowl separate for that as well. Oh, he drinks his own waste water. That'll be awesome. It's just say wastewater. It's his mother and his daughter. You know, and they're looking at him like, well, dad, you promised it's Thanksgiving.

And he's like, what did I promise? I'm such a loser. It's like, well, if you don't have, if you said, if you didn't have it, if you didn't have any dates by Thanksgiving, you'd let us make you a dating profile. You said that last year. Dude, yeah, it's like, you're a year overdue on this, like, you can make a profile for me, things. They make this profile.

And the mother is just like, oh, I'm going to put that cute video that you made last year. It's just him fucking mugging for the camera on this goddamn, what are they? Segway. Segway, I almost a cover round, but yeah, Segway, 2009. Yeah, absolutely. are acting kids at home. I know you're too young to understand. Just listen up. People were acting like Segways, we're going to change our lives. People were acting

like everyone's going to be riding them. Don't you hate walking? Hey, don't you hate walking? No. But are those the things, are the, isn't this the grandfather of the things that's littering the streets right now in all major cities? Well, scooters were invented before Segways and now we're back to scooters. I think because the Segways fail. Yeah. Because they look so dumb. If you want Segway. comedy, Goddammit. You don't watch Arrested fucking development and you watch Gobbluth. I guarantee

that was on their mind, Ben. I guarantee you. That show started six years before this movie came out. Like, and honestly already super dated. Aside from it being cripplingly sad or us laughing at someone

who is fat, not necessarily like Kevin James, but someone who is fat. Don't forget his whole family. And, and, well, to get to the lady in the Victoria's here, which it's a bar scene. But the segue is the other joke. That's the only other joke.

Yes. Segway. They are expecting you admit it fucking 68 of this movie to be like, hey, segue. It's like, dude, that has passed. He's pretty good on that. He's pretty good on that segue.

Hey. Are we still laughing at Segway? You know, all right. You know what's going to make us $180 million at the box office? You know, Kevin James on his Segway. Woo, my side to split it.

But shit, it was like the poster he's on the Segway. At least one of the posters. I mean, they let you know that the Segway was in this movie. He's literally, literally in like 75% of the movie. Yeah. I think he's on the Segway. Yeah. I mean, I'm not like, yeah, no, it's a safe number.

It's how they promoted the movie was like justice on wheels and shit like that. Like, I remember the trailers being like some weird. and stupid shit, but you have to imagine because what else, because I don't think if you asked the writer, it's like what is the joke with this segue? I don't think they would give you a straight answer. There's just no, nothing there. He's, he's

big and fat and he's just like moving around on it. It's a comical vehicle that people normally don't see it, understand. Watch him go out of frame and then back in the frame. Look how funny that is. Let me tell you a little something about physical comedy here. When he

pushes forward on the segue, a laugh, a laugh, if he backs up, they should at least put in the sound of a big bus coming back. That would have been somebody. But this is the thing, too, is like, you almost want to reveal the segue because, like, you get the mom putting the stupid video

where he's like, and it's like, I don't know, some silly rock song of him on the segue. And then we cut literally to him going to work on a segue, like, that's too much segue already. And it's been, yeah, but it's, we're in minute seven. Shouldn't there be a, polishing it? Like, he's like, shining it up. Oh, that would be nice.

You got to charge it at that. thing is that a gas guzzler? It's a charge thing. But the other thing that's weird that I just realized was like, we see him, he has no fewer than two segways in this little garage. He's got like the one that he's taken to work and then there's another one.

And then when he gets to work, there's all the segways that look like the one that he wrote in on. And I was like, are you supposed to be taken these from the mall, dude? This is not part of the commute. All right, there you go. Another missed opportunity. He takes him home. Mod it up. Let's see one that has like,

weapons on it or shit. What about a fun troll doll on the top of it? Whatever. A little bicycle thing? If you want to go to Peewee Row. No, he should have a bunch of knives. At the end of this movie, you should have a bunch of knives on the cover. Have a hockey mask. Yes. Walk up to this bank. Just walk away. There needs to be a scene. There needs to be a scene where he overcomes the

Segway. He doesn't need the sex. Leave it behind and continue the movie. No, no, no. All the way through the credits are rolling additional footage of their wedding which is at the mall by the way and we're dancing

with fucking his and her segways I thought that was bloopers and I turned it right up no dude it's just their wedding they get married

at the mall and they it's his and her segue and they're dancing together in the segways also by the way a fucking segue in this movie takes place

in New Jersey in November good luck riding around with that thing without a fucking park on, dude. Totally. Absolutely.

Yeah. So it is, he's all getting all nervous because we're coming up on Black Friday, the busiest day at the mall. So he's sort of like preparing for all of that. And we see him, as you would with any mall security guard being disrespected at every turn.

You know what? Made fun of my kids. As they should be. That's your job. I'm sorry. That's it. And like, what I wouldn't give for us to actually get some like, have you, did anybody talk to a person who's been through a Black Friday sale and see

get some details of what it's actually like in preparing for you're saying you should be shooting this crowd absolutely Eric I absolutely think guns are the answer on this one I think actually the world of the mall by the way this is like the last moment of the mall I think is like 2009 like this is the latest you could

put this out yeah but I think that like that's an okay movie is like Paul Blart Mall cop and he's actually just a bumbling mall cop and then maybe like you know there's a third act thing where something happens maybe some jokes they should put some jokes what if it was like a

because it's like the last waning days of the mall right sure this mall is in danger of becoming a ghost mall and Paul Blart's got to save the mall that way not from vague robbers that want credit card account numbers to a bad action movie for an hour and you're like well that's not funny at all die hard in a mall with you a bad action movie that apparently they took some action out of for being too scared

That's what you want to do. You want to remove anything that would be remotely interesting to audiences. It's too scary, Ben. I mean, this mall is like a couple of weeks from being the setting of Tim and Eric's million-dollar movies. Just a little, not too far off. Is that why you guys had me on this show because of my mall pedigree? Are you right? I remember you mentioned this before that you grew up on the plains of the Mall of America.

Well, I hail from the land of 10,000 malls, Minnesota. Stay in Minnesota, which does have the Mall of America. Right. Minnesota. And my hometown. It's like one of those small Coke cans, right? Uh-huh. You used to live on them?

Now, now, hold on a second. Let's not get into that. A little Coke can. Not like this shit. I come from Eden Prairie, Minnesota. Mm-hmm. Where they had the Eden Prairie Mall, which was the mall that they filmed Mallrats at.

Oh, that's why that sounded familiar to me. I was like, why have I heard of that? Yeah, yeah. Do you two mallrats bonus feature? I have memories of different Kevin running around the mall filming everything. That's kind of cool, though. It was fun. That's a good movie.

Did you watch them film that movie? Yeah, yeah. That's pretty. Wow. Did you get to meet LaForre's? Sven Old Thurston. Absolutely. But again, that's a movie where comedy is happening at the mall.

I will say, related to a mall. I still like mall rats to this day. It's a good movie. It's got a lot of jokes in it. It's a, you know, Clerks is obviously the one that, actually has, like, real heart and, like, kind of cultural significance. But Mallrats is fun. Morris is fun as fun.

There's characters. There's characters there. I mean, Ethan Suppley, I want to, like, give him my corax seeds and see if he gets me something back. So, Ben, did you get your fortune told? Did you get your fortune told by a three-nippled lady? X-3's company star? Yes. No.

Actually, that was the dirt mall. Were there dirt malls? Dirt malls. Dirt malls? Minnesota's got every kind of mall. Oh, dirt mall. Mall is run all you want. Chris and I grew up working out at the multiplex. That was a fucking

dirt mall. By the time we got, it was like it had its fall from Grace. Like it was big in like the late 80s. And then lunch breaks are sitting on a bushel of hay. What? No, you just sort of like a Taco Bell in the little, you know, arcade area there. Get yourself

an orange Julius outside the Piccadilly circus. It's kind of funny, Steve, you just bring up the idea of like this was right as malls were ending because a little funny bit about this. When he starts doing his whole like John McLean shit at the end of this movie and he's like

he's got to go get gadgets and whatnot. He goes into a sharper image multiple times. By the time this movie was released in theaters in 2009, Sharper Image didn't have stores anymore. It makes total sense. Catalog only. So he's riding through

he sees this babu, babe played by I forget her name is. Who is this? The character's name is Amy and she's running the... Jamie Mays, it's her name. She's the updated casting of one of the babes

in the third Bill and Ted movie. Oh, okay. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, she's running unbelievable. Bargand bin and a Ferris. Yes. Big time. Speaking of observing report.

Yeah. There you go. Better movie. Yeah, she works in a wig stand. Yeah, right. Is, you know, motor scooting by there and gets all horny. And isn't this?

funny he's so stupid and he's so horny he drives his segue into the back of a minivan of course and dents it because he's obese like if this was observant report it would be him bothering like a 17 year old girl that works at Arapa style

you know what I mean like oh man you get your work hours in that's pretty cool when you graduate what's the problem going to be like so like is it cool if I test some more of the clone you're selling he would be trying to give a ticket to the guy he had the minivan it's okay if I sit outside your house for the you know all night long like I did yesterday

I remember when me and my friends after after the mall you know I was working here then I was working over at a store doesn't exist anymore you see and we would go and we'd look for an older fellow to buy beer and I could I could help that I could just say if you uh you wanted I just I've been on the other side you know I've been where you are and you know so if you wanted I'd be totally down to hang out with you if it wasn't a sting operation because that's happened to be a couple times I just didn't I just, I'm so sick of it. It's just crazy.

Like, I'm saying, like, I just want you to spray me with cologne. And the next thing I know is, hello there. Chris Hansen. Mall cop. That was a mall cop. He's talking to some fucking mall crimes. That's actually true. So he's so horny and embarrassed now.

Yes. That he fell into the car. He's got to run to the security office and start spying on her on the security need. All of a sudden, this became sliver. He's, like, studying footage. a way a way less erotic and Alan Covert who actually I mean like this movie needs a little more

Alan Covert I think he's a funny fucking guy man he never ceases to make me laugh but there's a point in this movie where he literally just runs away from the movie good for him but you know what I think he had the right idea because he's a good foil right he's like oh you take this too seriously correct a job for a deadbeat like me

LOL like that's comedy right he gets set up with the guy who ends up being the villain who's got zero presence i don't know what this guy cure o'donnell was in if you can't get jamie bell cut the price in half you get this guy i'll tell you what cure o'Donnell he's an australian actor i kind of think he's one of the best parts of this movie really he gets that's crazy i think anyway he gets the goofy villain thing really i do i you know i liked the pen sales movie oh well get to him we're going to nail him to across. Don't worry about it. I like the minivan. Big fan of that as well. Yeah, I mean,

I guess I like Ciro Donald and fine. He was just an ambulance, which he was funny. Oh, yeah. He was coming off, this is he's coming off wedding crashers.

He was like the creepy gay brother. I had a lot of fun with that. Wedding Crashers, 2005. Exactly. So he played that to much effect so they want to put him in here.

I just kind of wish he had a thing. You know what I mean? Like, what is the motivation? at all. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Because it's like we're robbing a mall and like you have your little like X games

buddies that are helping out of your What is the plot? What is the plot? What are in 2009? Parkour thieves. But what are they after? Credit card codes. Codes. So they're going to siphon off every purchase that every store is made. No, I think

it's like stealing the credit card numbers. Of people? Times X will get you. which they say is $30 million out of nowhere. There's a couple things that are out of nowhere in this movie. $30 million is out of nowhere. A fucking private jet that these jersey scumbags have procured. Waiting for them on the tarmac.

With no like flight team in sight, by the way. I'll tell you why he has to be that because he is the one guy who is nice to Paul, like genuinely is like being like stop. Like don't be a shit to this. He's fine. like yeah he's a little annoying but like stop he's fine so that guy of course has to be the villain

like the one guy who's nice to him has to be the worst person got you I pretended to have respect for you yeah so this he's set up as a co-worker there as a security guard it's interesting Peter Peter Garrity

from the wire is their chief I really was sad there for a minute when I saw him there is so great on the wire he's like the judge you know and here I'm like, what are you doing in this movie, man? He's also in an amazing law and order episode where he is a scumbag lawyer

who gets like, who's, who like lies on the stand does all this crazy shit so he can bang this like 19 year old, uh, that he's defending. So it's just you, it's just a lawyer then. Yeah, it's just a normal old lawyer. The beginning, so like, he's like, all right, let's let's go on the job. They're both in their fun segues. L.O.L. L.O.L. Indeed.

it's so funny. Now there's two segways. And oh my God. Look at how much better Paul Blard is than this other guy on his segway. It's totally right, Ben. Two times the laughs. But they start. He's blarting lutes around this guy.

He pulls over. And I mean like, because it's a pullover joke. I got an old, an old man in a cart for quote unquote reckless driving. And I'm like, what is this scene? He's like, I'm going to have to give you a citation. I'm like, of what? You're a mall. Like, yeah, where is you could do is ask?

is ask me to leave the mall. That is your entire power. Which would be fine if that was the scene. Just ask this guy to get the fuck. Like do some. Why are any of these people on staff? They don't. They don't. And the whole joke is he's ignoring him. Yes. Like that's the big ha ha. And then when they get to the actual interaction is just like like, it's over. Like, oh, I need to be called back to the office. I did find it funny. If only because again, it's just a mall security officer being humiliated, which is great. And this old man has the right idea. Fuck you.

Vroom, room. You have no authority because you are, once again, a mall security guard. But he's trying to give him a ticket, which can't exist. No. Is the problem. What do you think that ticket says? Please stop. It's like $300? $300. $300 ticket for, right? Your hover around

too fast in the mall? It's got to be like $5 or a voucher. You get a voucher taken away from your coupon book. How much is an hour's parking here. It's about all right. Your parking is invalidated. That's what it is. Yeah, there you go. Perfect. I just, he's got this big

fucking citation book. It doesn't make any sense. You can't get a citation at them all. All they could do is ask you to leave. And they never like set up like, why isn't Peter Garrity a person who does believe in all this shit is impressing upon him? Like, oh yeah, this is you have to, you have to

lay down the law. You have to be all. No, everybody thinks he's fucking weird for acting like this. Yes. Including his boss. Because the rest of the people covert, the judge from the wire, the dude who's just sleeping, and that's the joke as he's asleep in the chair the whole time you never even see

who he is. They understand their station in this world, which is just a reminder, a fucking mall security guard, okay? He's the only one that has these aspirations for being a cop and it's like, you got to let that go, dude. You fucking fell asleep on the training

course. Like, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. There's a mention that he flunked out eight times. doing that training course. That's a thing, dude. They will let these people take that fucking test until they pass it. He just can't get that granola intake, right? That's like that's the problem.

No, granola, it's fucking pixie sticks. Oh my God. And he's hitting this thing, like it's an epipen. I hate that. I mean, you know, maybe people do do that for like, a quick thing or whatever. But like, just the thing that, like, it's part of the character that it's like,

oh, he's in his pocket. and you can proudly see this pixie sending the wrong message. It's okay to be a ball security guard. Want to throw that out there? Any of them listening? Thank you for your service. I mean, you're not Bob Lard. That's the exact problem. That's the exact problem. Fucking for service.

You're a security guard. There's no service. Yeah, I wasn't serious. Did you see the badge? Did you see the badge floating in the beginning of the movie? It fell out of the fucking bubble gum dispensers. What I'm saying is tip him 20% wherever you go.

What in the fuck are you talking about? No one knows what malls are anymore anyway. That's true. This is a dying thing. I'm just saying it's okay to be destitute, you know, not destitute, almost destitute. And working a shitty job. We've all been there.

And Andrew, I mean, like, you have never worked at a Mr. seven of mall and worried every day, what if all my cold cuts are stolen overnight? That is real, real panic. And that could happen to anybody who owns this stuff. I worked in a multiplex for six years where I saw the same fucking disgusting father-son duo Mall security guard assholes

literally sleeping at the desk. Father and son? It was father and son, dude. A father and son. I want to see that a better movie. First of all, better movie. You just wrote a better movie. Yeah.

The first 15 minutes of Monsters Ball but for a mall security guard. Or if Peter Garrity was his father and that's just a thing. Yeah, yeah. We get no read on his old man in this movie. No, no. Because he can.

He probably died. Too much pot. too much pie now pie now Mama Blart is like sitting under a fucking buzzing out light bulb looking at a greasy picture of this old fuck and she's about to eat mayonnaise and go to sleep Steve come on she's gonna be on television that's true she certainly wants to know if this bus

is going to Madison Avenue I mean Gummo and Blart sound like I mean that's in the same Gummo Blart right the worst marks brother I feel like Oh man So speaking of fat Well that's We use this interaction

Of Victoria's secrets Because It's taking it away We learn what we're This movie is trying to tell you Is it totally okay to be a fat Which is a fine message Is it telling us that?

I say that as a fat man myself Of course he nails a 10 at the end Of this movie Dude You know that's cartoon delusions The guy I like Anvil hit him on the head

and we didn't see it. But like, no, but he takes down all the bad guys. You know what I mean? All of his, everyone who calls him fat and a loser, they turn out to be a loser themselves. However, if you are a fat woman, you're disgusting. That's what we learned in this scene. Dude, this is weird.

So yeah, it's like, here's our first call. Vec is the new guy's name, which is quite terrible. Okay. Say Vec. A little problematic. Some of the pronunciations in there. I thought they were saying Beck for a while.

It's not good. Like, here we go. Let's roll. We got a call. And it's a Victoria's Secret. The attendant at the store is Jackie Sandler. Of course. Got a loan to that money, dude. Absolutely. It's like, why did this glorified

extra make $6 million dollars for this roll? Oh, babe, you want being sag? Yeah, I could get you into SAG, no problem. Jackie pops up in a lot of his Oh, yeah. Oh, heidi-deebidi, we hide the money this way. Howbidi-dubidi, caymini-dubiddy.

Exactly. Came in a doobitie. Yes. So, yeah, it's this, these two ladies are fighting over, and I find this hard to believe, the last push-up bra in this store. And, of course, we've, we've babe versus what the movie's telling us is, is Godzilla. Yeah.

An overweight woman, which is like the worst thing a person could be. And she has a date tonight and the quote unquote attractive woman is like, is he blind? And she throws her soda at her.

And like, then Paul Blart like pulls her aside. He's like, listen, I know what it's like to be overweight. You know, we just eat our feelings and all this stuff.

And you're disgusting. And you know, I started to eat a little healthier, which question marks. I want to see that. Guess what? I saw you put fucking peanut butter on a slice of pie not more than 10 minutes ago.

Your skin's going to clear up. You're going to be slightly less disgusting if you follow my methods of life. And then she turns into King Kong Bundy. She starts fucking clothesline. You know the last time this happened, the fucking shoe store, and married with children speaking of balls.

This is a straight up married with children joke right here. They're fighting and a feudant and whatnot. Kevin James does have kind of a funny thing that I think might be an ad lib where, she's kind of got him in some sort of grip and he goes she's biting my neck she's biting my neck and then she clotheslines him

which is pretty great didn't this happen at the beginning of Delta Farse with Larry the cable guy like he runs afoul of an overweight woman and they wrestlers like that's the buffet yes because we have the buffet oldest fucking middle America joke you can make

and he's like your intrepid slob you know is saying all the things you wish you can say we're just calling women fat and then the women get upset about. And then I mean in a stunning turn of events after this fight

in the victorious secret turns out he's still got a job which made me think maybe these mall security guards are closer to cops than I realized because how on earth are you still employed after you fucking punched a woman at the stomach? The thin white line man

it's just how that works. Well I mean to be fair he was the one that got his well he got the clothes line. Yeah yeah Oh, so, Ben, you're saying if he won the fight, then maybe he'd be fired. Did you finish the fight? No. Well, then she won it.

The guy's a shame sponge, you know, so. But how does this even... What's the conclusion? Who gets the bra? You know, I want to know. I kind of want to know. Well, there's a lot of things that are just left dangling in this movie. The editing is very strange.

We're not strange, just like bad, like flat out bad. Like, seeds just sort of end without whatever. Seeds just start without perfect. Characters disappear. Yes, it's terrible. This might be one of the worst we've ever done. There you go again with that. I think it's true.

It's up there for me too. It's pretty bad. I injured my eye watching this movie. That's right. Let me ask you guys this really quickly, because this is where it came up. Did anybody watch this on Pluto or a, uh, Tooby? I did, yes.

No, you know why? Because I wanted to be over as soon as possible. I just, you rented it. I paid the money. I'll tell you what, dude. It was kind of like you're jogging. And then, like, when the commercial comes on, it's like when you stopped for air. Yeah, that's kind of nice.

But, all right. I love it. I love the commercials. You guys that watch it on Tube. Did either of you have this terrifying downy commercial with the Backstreet Boys? Oh, I've seen this commercial. Yes. No, I did not.

Oh, my God. This commercial where it's like, it's a girl and she's got a like an old Backstreet Boys t-shirt and it's a kind of smelly or whatever. Is Jerry Fat one there? No, that's in sync. And you stupid. All right. Fucking idiot. Justin Timberlake.

No, again, that people, that are in the group. That's still in sync. Wow, look who knows all the members of Insync. And I can't name you a single backstreet boy. AJ? AJ, that's a backstreet boy. Okay. But so she also has a Backstreet Boys poster.

Yes. And all the Backstreet Boys come to life on the poster and are like, better use Downey to wash our t-shirt. And it's fucking horrifying. Yeah, it's like the thing that way or something like that or something. I gleaned that as much as I could. Because I'll tell you another thing about watching stuff on to be, dude. When those fucking commercials come on, you best believe I'm hitting the mute button. Sure.

It's gross. But so then he goes up to Amy and he starts flirting with her and she's, of course, charmed by him. But uh-oh, here comes his rival who also disappears from the movie. Hang on a second. We're going to get to that, dude. But this whole thing, we got to break it down really quickly. Okay. She works at a wig store.

She works at a wigs store. Or an extension. story. It's the first of three times we hear survivors, I can't hold back. I can't remember the last time I heard that fucking song. It's the Happy Madison 80s horse shit. But they couldn't hold back. Which I do,

listen, that's another thing I kind of like about the Happy Madison movies is all the like pseudo-forgotten 70s. Yeah, whatever. But he's like, oh, Amy, can I give you a ride to your car now that you've closed up your little wig shop? This

needs bringing down. So she gets on this fucking segue. He gets on behind her and they're having this fucking Titanic-esque magical trip through the wall. It's a hump fest. If he gets a boner, this guy is fucking finished. She's probably like

man, the fucking sooner I can get off this goddamn segue, but I'm locked into it because this fucking huge dude is hugging me against it. This guy goes from not even having a dating profile to mustering up the stones to be like, come on, hop on this segue and let me bear.

hug you. Yeah. And hump that ass. Oh my goodness. So we did kind of already need him, but this is where he really gets to shine because all the mall worker buddies go hang out at American Joe's

after work. And again, like this is a movie, this is actually what it's still a movie because it's like here like he's hitting on her. He's like flirting like, oh, you know, I could give you a call some time. And then like Steve Ranacisi shows up and he's like, we'll go to American Joe's later. You're not coming. Are you

blart? you're so fucking fat and like pretty much and he says he literally says what are you laughing at I just called you fat but that that's a rivalry right like that's sort of a thing and then he shows him up at the third act yep no no no I mean I guess because he's a coward but sure but like it's we see his cowardice later in the movie but it's nothing that like Paul Bart brings out like he can't take ownership that's true pulling the mask off he also saw his cowardice on 9-11 when he Uncurrageously wasn't in those buildings And then also uncourageously didn't attend Sunni purchase

When she claimed the guy's a pathological liar Steve Rennessisi, the league's Steve Rennessisi He should run for office Yeah, should be lying about, you know Where he was on 9-11, lying about where he went to school He's like fucking George Santo Yeah, let's go here, Steve The lying about 9-11, I understand

Like that's you can turn into a hero story You can get some sympathy out of it, etc, etc. lying about going to a state art school, Ben, wherever you went, you could have went to Sunni Purchase. If you just, if you wanted to, if you thought about it, you could, hey, if you're listening right now, you can go to Sydney Purchase right now. You don't have to lie about anything. Where else do you get to say, it's almost as good as Julia are? Oh, come on. Well, we all had fun. We did. We met there. Ben, I met in college at a late night with Conan O'Brien, but I was at SUNY Purchase.

I was not in college. Oh, yeah, because you were an oldman. No, I'm an oldman. I forgot about that about you. Conning my way into that position. Right, you went to, uh, what is it, B.O? No, no, close. You smelled too much?

Try another vowel there. Vue. Chuckles. So we're at this like fake TGI Fridays kind of place. And here's the thing, man. If you go to, you're going to Kevin, you're going to Kevin James movie, Ben. You think you're having a good time. You're like, all right.

Yeah. You really got to watch yourself because, Anywhere you look, there's his brother. Oh, there's his brother. Oh, shit. There's his brother. Oh, shit. There's his brother. I did not spot this. Does his brother look like him or what's the guy singing? He's in costume in this film. Gary Valentine.

She's in a runaway. Is that his real name? I think it's a Martin Sheen, a Charlie Sheen scenario where like the brother has the right name. And like Estabazz scenario. You mentioned it still feels like a movie during this scene. I think a reason for that is they work. completely ripping off cable guy in this scene. Oh yes. The shots are very

similar. Exactly. That's true. The singing, him freaking out once he's drunk. Well, all of that. I do that. This was all very troubling watching all that. What really just sent me into the next dimension was, and this is the only way I could describe this in my notes, is that we're having an old-fashioned fad off. Yeah. That's true. We're here. We're having a

having a fat off. They're having a big old fat off. That came out of nowhere. It comes out of nowhere. You're hitting on someone. It doesn't make any sense. Because he shows up. She's like, oh, hey, it's that the guy that poked me with his bone early.

Hi. He just humped her for like 10 minutes straight. And like Rana Sisi comes back. Oh, shut up. I just want to hang out with Paul for a minute. He's like, okay, awkward cut, nacho content. You do not want to enter an impromptu food eating contest. When you're hitting on someone.

It almost feels like reshoots. He needed more fat jokes. Yeah. There's a, guess what? Now there's another fat guy at the mall and we're going to fat it up. Not just any fat guy. This is a little

Hercules. Hercules. It is indeed. It is him. It was the man himself. They had all mixed in as Leon in this film. We had to. The hot sauce kios.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, we got so many Chiosk people here. Also attending this weird after party thing is Eric Weezun the Juice guy Avari. Yes. As the dude who works at like the cell phone kios. But he is moderating

this nacho eating. I mean, and again, like it's just hey, blah, blah, blah. We're having a good time. What do you think you're going to do for Thanksgiving? Awkward cut. Now it's like, not sure, you got five six to eat all those nachos. And I'm like, wait, what? Because the whole thing, all right, so the whole thing

The whole, like, crux of this scene is he accidentally consumes alcohol and he gets fucking wasted and makes a fool of himself in front of Amy. That's fine. Their delivery system for this was, like Chris said, a good old fashioned fat off. We're having this fucking nacho contest. Yes, sir. Or I guess the idea is like whoever finishes the whole plate of these like ultimate nachos first wins nothing. Not even free nacho. They won't, they're not going to win a date with Amy. That's for sure.

Yeah, you win a fucking echo cardiogram. That's what you win. But so he eats like jalapinos that are on the nachos and it's too hot and he needs something to drink. And he starts chugging what he thinks is lemonade. And I'm like, this is why it's a high school movie. Yes, you're right. He's a child. This is a Mcloven movie.

He doesn't know what alcohol is. He's a 13 year old daughter. What are you talking about? And then he starts tripping like he's on every drug in the world. It's Jim from America. Eric and pie. Like he's just accidentally boffoonering.

Now that's what should happen is he should go home and fuck that pie. You know, put a little peanut butter on that. He's done it at least once, Eric. You know he's done it once. So the pie licks it back. He puts the peanut butter. Yeah, he's like, he's like, all right, pie.

Now I'm putting the peanut butter on me. Yeah. By the way, Kevin George Knipfing, K-N-I-P-F-N-G. Whoa. So what does the deal with this Gary Valentine's guy? He was all, he was Gary Knipfing. And they were just,

like, I'll be Valentine, you be James. That is something. Valentine's worse. That's just such a showboat piece of shit. I'd also really attractive. It never worse. Just use your real name. Yeah.

Well, you're not putting, what is it, connipion? What's his name? Clifing. I put my fucking garbage on this show. Well, you should have been fucking Eric Johnson, dude. If I was Eric Johnson, I wouldn't be here.

I'd be fucking starting in fat movies. Shallow Hal 4. Oh, God. Stay tuned for that fucking fat phobia movie. But yeah, he's, now he's like drunk, like full on drunk. And this is like, you're getting kicked out. I'm sorry. He's fucking climbing on tables and falling all over strangers. Oh, well, yeah, absolutely that stuff is definitely getting you kicked out.

But this, the fat off, I do think it seems like a weekly thing. I got to be honest, it seems like it's scheduled. I think American Joe is funding. But at the same time, he says he wasn't going to go to American Joe. Joe's, because why would he go to this social obligation? Here's the thing. Here's a thing. Here's a thing. You're both right, because this is an incompetently made movie.

They do act like it is totally not the first time they've had a nacho off, but Eric, they also say he, why would I go there? Everybody hates me. Well, this. Great question. But I think that like he's afraid when Amy invites him over there, he knows like, shit, if I go there, I'm going to have to have a nach off. Oh, shit's going to get real. Excuse me, Stephen. A what off?

It's a fat off. And then he starts feeling up wheeze in the juice guy's face. And he's just standing there like, that's fine. Yeah, just taking it. Which, man, you know what? You need at least 20 to 30 percent more wheeze and the juice guy. Of course. Eric Gavari is fucking great. Steve said it on the group chat the other night. Eric Gavari should be in something that gets him nominated for an Academy Award. I agree. It's fucking great. Not enough in this movie. Yeah, he's just getting molested by Kevin James. Instead, he's going to get Farina. Yeah, he always never going to get ferrena. No doubt about it. Well, yeah, because, yeah, I would like to see more wheeze in the juice unless whee's in the face. This is, I'd like, it's just, it's supposed to be funny

because he doesn't know how to act when he's drunk. He's 47 years old. It's just, oh, God. I think it's very important just because what Eric said, it might have sent shock waves throughout the community. Oh, he will be farinaed whenever it is that happens. Yes. God bless. Eric Gavari is still very much alive and well.

As of this recording on May 31st, 2023. If it's after that, he's dead. 7.22 p.m. Whenever Eric Havari dies, it'll be exactly his death in Daredevil, where Daredevil's Billy Club goes through his heart for no reason. And Bullseye goes, Bullseye. I forgot that. Wow.

Did we do that as an episode? We did. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, sure. Speaking of Bullseye, stay tuned for the, the climax of this movie. Oh, yes. The one time, I think I genuinely laughed. I can't wait to hear about

I had a legit laugh in this one I'm gonna be honest I had a couple I'll see if I can point around what it happens so speaking to that bad editing that we keep talking about like this whole thing happens the scene ends with him going

I believe in magic I think the line is and he falls out the window yeah and so that actually him falling through the window was indeed a legitimate laugh on my part but so he falls out this window and it cuts to the single saddest Thanksgiving

oh my god holy shit I mean there's probably like a movie out there where someone has Thanksgiving in prison and it's much more fun. It's sadder than American movie when we're watching Uncle Bill. Oh, there you know. Oh, that toenail is going to cut me right in half, man. Today's episode is sponsored by me undies. You've been listening to this show for

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It's like, it's the mother and him and the daughter, and he's in the middle of the table. Also, it's literally like the day after. Yes, it's a full day. This is obviously a Wednesday before Thanksgiving drunk off thing. But he's, and this is my problem with this because I thought, oh, okay, it must be days later because he's not viciously hungover. And they don't even make an effort to broadcast that he should be hung over. He's going around the whole time being like, I don't drink out and drink. This would be a massive hangover.

for this dude. And he's just, you know it's Thanksgiving because there's a turkey until, but again, it's like just mid sentence and it's just like so you don't think she likes you anymore. Honey's like, yeah, I don't think she does. I'm like, what the fuck happened? But can I see another room of this house that isn't the fucking eating kitchen? No.

Well, because there's no exit. Bombard needs to eat. Right. It's fat off and this is a fat in. You eat, you get fat inside. Thanksgiving would be nice if there was like extended family. Maybe there's a silly uncle at the table. You don't know? No. No. No. A few characters?

Sure. I'm surprised. The blarts are small and few winnowed down. You know, there was a time when our proud tribe came over on the Mayflower, but now us Blart's few and far between. Well, yeah, Uncle Jack, we used to come,

but when our beautiful Paul started yelling, Pye now to him, he said he would never see him again. I couldn't believe this move, though. This is why for a second I thought it can't be Thanksgiving because he just gets up and he goes, all right, well, I'm turning

in. And I was like, excuse me, you're eating a Thanksgiving meal. You're not going to, like, help clean up. It's fucking Thanksgiving. You know that kitchen's destroyed. You spend time with your goddamn daughter. Listen, he works at the mall making all the money that

somehow finances this diet. I mean, this whole family. This house. Is she on dissim- Like, what is the situation? The mom is definitely retired. She's probably got a boatload of money

from some real job that she had Social Security and the father exploded from eating too much or something and then that somehow parlayed to some insurance I guess and he's like so sad and he goes up to his room and we're fucking looking at his computer while Barry

Manilow's weekends in New England plays sure I guess the fine Thanksgiving song. He's got no he cries in this scene he cries over the receipt. It's a receipt that she wrote Amy on like exclamation you. And like, held onto this wig receipt, by the way. Kevin James, like, I can't tell. Because you can cry and it can be funny. Sure.

You know, but like you can also like Farley. Like he has scenes of genuine pathos. You're like, I feel for this guy. Like Tommy boy. It's full of it. It's full of it. Are you trying to go for that in this scene? Like what's happening? It's a great question. It's a great question because the cry is ambiguous. It is. It just sort of comes off as. pathetic. But to your point, like, it's not a funny cry and it's not a sad cry. It's a sort of a cry. It's just, and it's like that sort of flatness to it, I think, is one of many reasons why Kevin James. Did you say flatness or fatness? He said flatness. Oh, okay. I mean, both. You were. Now, we are looking at this room. He belongs in the small screen. He's a he does, yes. We got a single guy, go nowhere job. Yeah. Lives with his mother. No. No prospect.

Not a lot going on. You know he's getting up to some stuff on this computer in 2009. My question is, what do you think the amount of gigs of pornography are stored on that computer? Because this computer's working overtime. I'll tell you right now. It's sweating just as much as he is. He's cracked all the gals at Aeropostales, MySpace is too. That's for sure.

Anyone's got him on private. She's figured it out. He's saving picks. When that door shuts, he gets his sliver on. Oh, my good. Here comes the boom, baby. Yeah. I think he's going to like a best buy and he's buying like one of those like seven terabyte fucking external heartback.

And just pack it full. Yep. Just have as much as you want. Your pick of it. Solid state. Have it by year. Like just pornography by year. Ah, my pornography throughout the year.

You know what? I'm going to look at this PDF of a 1972 penthouse. Why not? She's just changing up tonight. This folder is just pictures of burgers. There's some videos of fried chicken in here. His daughter does come up to him and she's like, you know, it's going to get better or something.

And he's like, yeah, does she at least even say that she's going to bring them the food the next day here? Or there's to assume. I don't know if it's here, but there is something somewhere where she's like, I'm going to go give him food. I don't know if it's just kidnap bait. That's it. Oh, yeah, kidnap bait. Exactly.

How about she has something going on? maybe she's having trouble at school. There's a parallel that he can maybe actually give fatherly advice. You know what that isn't? That isn't Paul Blart. That's not him. If it's not about Blart. If it's not about him, fuck it. Eat the pie and shut up. Also, I'm sorry. I was just going to say it's super hilarious because he's got a little like lower back tattoo. Yeah. Oh, she's like, what is that? He's like, it's the lockness monster. I don't drink. He got drunk at that thing fell out the window got a full

that tattoo would take more than one appointment it's a two part joke you see because the first part it's just the little like you know stamp on the lower back lockness monster at the end of the movie where he's fallen over again and the shirt has opened up

then the joke is got this huge back tattoo which yes no tattoo artist would do in a single sitting in a night I'm glad it paid off he's part of the yakuza I think what happened. I think he's hiding a very intense alcoholism. Because the way he, like, it's almost like he, like goes out of himself and he says,

I don't drink. Yeah. Like, it's very like militant. Is that some blart lore going on there? Like, are we to believe to be? Did he would read the novels? I admit, no. I have the book by John Updike.

Is that how he sired his daughter with a con artist? border crosser. He was just drunk all the time. He sucked down some margs in Tijuana. Makes a lot of sense. Like that makes more sense than anything else I've been told in this movie. She artificially inseminated herself with a soda pop straw that he had around. Jesus. A real McGivor situation. Pick pixie stick. We've been like pushing Black Friday in this movie. And when Black Friday comes, it's just another day at the mall.

It is. It doesn't matter. Christmas movie? Or is it Thanksgiving. It's a Thanksgiving. It's full of like fucking Christmas music. Well, because that's Black Friday. That's what happens. You know what you want in January is a movie about Christmas and Thanksgiving. You know you want June? They'll take it and they'll like it. No, but Eric, I think you're totally right because of the proximity man. We just fucking finished the holidays as they are.

And then it's like, now there's more. Exactly. It proved me wrong because there must be. search fetishists for Christmas. I know that. That's why this made over 100 million. That's exactly. I mean, like the risk paid off.

Like, they were like, what if we just right over the line? Like the week after Christmas. I could not tell you what information is given in the Paul Blart trailer, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's no mention of Black Friday or Christmas or anything like that. But I mean, it's just a dumb mall cop.

Black Friday is rife for jokes, right? People getting trampled. Paul Bar being, hey, put that action figure down, that Elmo down, or whatever that joke is. Right. Not here. You know how easy it is to have people throwing TVs around you? Just put it.

It's a box. Yeah, exactly. They're already stealing from like cable guys. I steal from the Schwarzenegger Jingle all the way. Exactly. Steal from Commando. Paul Barn has to go to like a fake Latin American country. Oh, but there's also a ball seat in Commando. Oh, you

Elevator? Totally right. Hey. I guess maybe they kind of do with the jungle stuff later on, but like they don't even go all the way with it. You know, many people have gone all the way in the rainforest cafe. Oh, God.

She's getting jacked off next to a plastic frog, dude. The sound of that croaking hits me. Thousands of people listening who were conceived in a rainforest rainforest. It's one of the it's a dark restaurant, the fog machines. going, who knows what's going on

of those booth corners. It's a vibe. Absolutely. Or possibly to be a scotch more specific, a rainbow cafe bathroom. It's where you might possibly can see. My father was a waiter

at the rainforest cafe. My mother was a manager at the rainforest cafe. And they got it on on top of that plastic frog. But like... Oh yeah. They sure did.

So he doesn't have a cell phone. And like that's kind of the next movement of the movie. He's like, I don't have a cell phone. He goes to Eric Havari who works at a, at a appliance store and it's like $300

it's like yeah dude I don't know man Not an appliance store man One of these kiosks because he only associates With the kiosk folk Yeah which is weird like none of the Because like the dude from Nanny professor Hercules He works at a hot sauce

Kiosk He will not befriend people in the stores Because they are outsiders They are like you know They are not like the stores They don't get that kind of I love how high end you're going with this. It's really just they couldn't get permission to film in the stores.

But you do have like real stores that he's going in later. He goes into a champs. He goes into the fucking sharper image like the hallmark store. I will say a sharper image. That was like going away sale. Film here. Please. I think he might go into a Tvana.

I don't know for sure. The Eden Prairie Mall. All the stores were Greek for for that. They set up fake stores. Oh, really? Yeah. I kind of like that better. One of them was like really cool looking.

I was like, oh, awesome. This is going to be like around when like the movie the wraps up. And then of course it goes away. All right. That's a question. What was the like turnover time to like dial everything back? Like in other words, when the when the shoot wrapped. Yeah.

Was shit like left there for a while? Yeah. That's what I was like casual mail. Like what was? Fashionable mail. Fashionable. All right. And I know that so well.

I mean, part of your fashionable mail. part of the reason that was such a like prime spot is because the place was a dump right like half the stores were closed to begin with so they're just like we're going to get this for cheap and we've got plenty of real estate like the money that you buy me toys is another store oh right that's the one I was like oh really this place is fucking sweet like like you know whatever 10 year old 12 year old ben the fee the fee that universal must have paid the Eden prairie mall was just enough the demolition they were like

all right universal pictures listen it's going to cost us this amount of money to knock this place to the ground give us

that you can film it here make the transfer when dynamite is selling low because we're going to need a lot of it to lay across

the barrier but wait a second is that is Eden Prairie Mall is the structure still around I can't imagine it's a mall

still no they they they kind of continued its slide post mall rats and then someone plunks some change down

and they revamped it up like around the structure still stays so it's nice like it's all re that's fucked up they knocked our mall down yeah yeah it's just like outside shops now I've heard it's fucking ugly it was easy it was a barn so just shove it over

I mean we're talking Minnesota man this is the land of 10,000 malls that's true well you think that if that's the case you don't get to 10,000 by knocking them down but you also think it would be expendable due to the fact you have 10,000 yeah all right you're coming up trees

I mean let's be honest Mall of America is for the tourists okay that's like time square it's not a deep cut so anyway Eric Evari gives him

his daughter's cell phone because he doesn't have enough money this is fucking stupid I agree I totally agree but it adds so much to the feature going forward oh sure

he gives the money the money for it is like oh and I'm punishing my She went over her minutes. That was something we were very concerned about 2009. Going over those minutes, dude. Absolutely. You're handing your daughter's phone to a stranger.

Exactly. They are best friends. He's already molested his face at American Jones. Anybody else would have killed him for that. Like, I do get that. Like, if you do that to not Jamie Bell, he's kicking you right in the nuts. I mean, this is what the romance should be, right? Right?

We's in the juice and Kevin James. Oh, yes. Why the fuck not? They seem to hit it off. They've got a great relationship. They're both raising teen girls that are, you know, could use some help. That's Harmony Corrine's. Exactly.

Oh, it's just called Blart, by the way. Oh, yeah. He gets his cell phone and he's still feeling really down. And his buddy who runs the arcade is like, hey, would you mind closing the arcade? I got to make a money drop. And that's what I'm going to do. And that's going to set up the rest of the movie. you guys are outside of the rest of the movie. So Kevin James

closes up this arcade, locks himself inside it to see, he can't just go have fun playing guitar hero. First, you have to have this guy once again humiliate himself by doing this like treadmill track and field game. Treadmill

DeCathola. A treadmill video game, which I'm shocked he didn't break jumping up a down on it. I mean, it wouldn't exist. If it did exist, it would be the least popular game in that entire mall. Yeah. I wonder if it did. I mean, because there was a like an old N-ES thing. Yes, there was

track and field thing and you had the ball and you know, the roly ball control. Like I remember playing that they had it in like the activities room of my Sunday school for some reason. And I can only imagine because it was like some fucking dude

stole it off the back of a truck and it wound up in my definitely mobbed up church. I'm very much of the opinion that all exercising video games should be outlawed. Yeah, But if you're going to do it, do it at home for crying out loud. Do not bring it to the mall. Yeah.

Like I also think like guitar heroes, something you should be playing at home, not in the mall necessarily. It is a weird thing. It's rock band, by the way, because he's singing. Oh, yes, you're totally right. The microphone component. I think it's just, it's a commercial for PlayStation. Yeah. Those things are real.

There is a very prominent PlayStation 3. Yes. Right above the screen. There you go. That was a moment in time when, like the rock. band guitar hero one singular moment and it's been over and no it was a single moment along with the fucking uh you know uh I can't now I want to call it a treadmill the segways yeah sure all these phones it's it is such a in amber movie in this way it's never like there's no like new guitar

hero that I was like oh man they made a new guitar hero like for the switch that's amazing no it doesn't exist they just added the drums like that's not it people don't want to buy hardware yeah that's a good point it was like it was like rock like guitar hero than rock band and then I remember having Beatles rock band which was pretty fun and then I never thought about it again the case for Beatles rock band it was

like it was filled with concrete it was enormous so what's that more more drums so you beat more is that what that's about it would be a thing oh over to Andrew's house he's going to rearrange his living room and we're going to play a video game we are moving furniture to game baby you better believe it both of those guitar hero and rock band

they were both they were a godsend for sitcoms. If you need your fucking characters to be doing something while they stay bullshit to each other, the jokes that do not work, they should just be playing the little guitar thing and that's it. And I'm not ragging on them. I had so much fun with those things, but you know what I think did it in?

Remember that Donkey Kong like bongo game? Yeah. I think that's what the world was like, you know what? We spent so much time asking what we could do. We never should have, we never asked if we should do it the first place. And the person who was like, what we need is

a bongo video game and you fire that person you know what I don't like fire people just parallel put them in a different place research and development now tell me if I'm daydreaming here but I think another nail in the coffin for that shit was I believe there was a DJ hero

where you were like scratching on a fake turn table there was also a scumbag record executive hero yeah you would like hang out with bands do fake cocaine and like

Fuck them out of royalties. That was the point of the game. Rody Hero was great because you were like just pushing cases up ramps and being surly the whole time. I like the little thing with a controller where they gave you the little rolled up dollar bill. That was plastic just to see if you could do it. Oh, you missed part of that line. You only got 73% of it. Try again.

You have to sniff into the microphone. You weren't close enough. The roadie game was great though because you press X for it. I'm on my lunch break. I'm on my lunch break. I'm union. I'm union. So, yeah, he gets wrapped up in this, in this rock band.

Speaking of fake cocaine, he does a line of pixie sticks before playing it. God, that's fucking stupid. And he misses that the new movie is starting. And no idea that the movie was going to be totally different. Oh, my God. And it's just, this is the, these parkour rollerblading fucking skateboard and bike ride and fucking BMS Bandits dude. That's the enemy of the fat.

Ah, yeah. It's the active. Yes. Yes. Active and tattooed. Yes. That's quasi cool, right? Because the guy's got long hair, one of them. And he's skateboarding. And it's like, I've got a gun and I'm on a skate. Oh, yeah.

And check this out. I think of, pop, pop, pop. That's ridiculous. It is absolutely ridiculous. And those scrubs. And they just go full into it. I would love to see someone actually get shot, though.

That would be something. That would be nice. I will say, because, you know, when they hit me, I'm going to acknowledge it. If I remember, another legitimate laugh here for me is he's rocking the fuck out and the music's so loud that he can't hear what's going on when this siege is happening. And you have this shot of like, you know, sort of like the POV of the game screen basically. And you're looking at Kevin James head on. And behind him. all of these people are bagging on the door for help

as like people are running out of the mall screaming. That's kind of funny. Meanwhile, there's something, something, it's like a, uh, a bombs or on the side of the mall.

Like Alan Covert is like about to, he just kind of gets written out of the movie by getting scared. And you as the movie goer have to be like, that coward. I'm like, no, he's a fucking mall security guard. It's like,

he should be totally gone. These guys come in and he's like, oh, hey, yeah, it's mall's closed. We're not letting anyone in. They're like,

oh, I think we're getting in. And he's like, okay goodbye movie yeah exactly totally fair he's gone oh Detroit Rock City is the song that James is playing on on rock band which is a great song

for a movie set in New Jersey yep makes totally same in Massachusetts by the way the Burlington Mall outside of Boston apparently I look at my field team found out this information the funny thing though was they tried to shoot at a mall in Jersey and the fucking mall was like no you can't

do that like God bless them I don't know mall it's a mall it's a Mall in, you're making this movie in 2008, you need all the publicity you can get. No, we don't. We're burning it down for the insurance. Good point. The mall in West Orange, New Jersey that prominently features legal seafoods. Couldn't get more New England.

Right out front. There's some legal, legal seafood made it up here, at least. We have never. To white planes. Yes, I never stepped foot inside. There was a legal seafood upstate. There was one in colony, I believe. But wasn't that, like, recently-ish?

I don't know about that. Maybe it was a knockoff. But kids at home, the health inspector now said it's illegal seafood. So you won't be seen. It was barely illegal seafood because, I mean, like, I mean, you know, it's fucking fast food fish, dude. Not a great idea. I think that the thing that they tried to present themselves as was like, listen, we're the legal seafoods company were a little classier than Red Lobster.

That's exactly. You can go for you. Cheddar Bay Biscuits, shithead. Or you can come have a nice meal. You can come here and have the most subpar chowder you've ever had.

You're like really salty chowder? Well, then we've got you. You like a bread bowl? Do you like a bread bowl? Do you like your fish undercooked and not successfully deboned? Come right this way.

Enjoy. You think they were mobbed up? Legal seafood company? Like, it's just like, it's, trust me. It's legal. It's legal. If they are, I retract my state. Yes.

The greatest restaurant chain ever exists. Great franchise. But so everyone, it's all in the bank in the mall now and like Amy is there. The mall bank. Yeah. What a bleak place to go to. It is grim. Dude, the scarlet made me

depressed. Just looking at it. I'll tell you what, though. This, it wasn't me personally. I did my banking outside of the mall. But it was the thing. Like a lot of people we worked with, it was like, oh, you got the paycheck and then you went right down and you deposited your paycheck at the mall bank. A lot of

people did that. So this oddly rang kind of true for me. Yes. When I worked retail, dude, I was, I was going to the check cash in place. Oh, Jesus. Dude, you get a fucking coupon for a bottle of whiskey. You got to give them their slice. Oh, yeah, they got a cut

for you, my good man. He's like, I here's 375 for you and 175 for me. We're doing it right away. So was there one pain between you and him? are two pay. Oh, there was at least two. I didn't have a bank account because I was an idiot. It just was what it was. But it was a gross existence going to the check cash place. Uh, so it turns out Beck. Pushed. Exactly. Uh, here's my check and I like

a, I like a steamboat Harry in the fourth race. Thanks so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to cash my work check and also place a bet on a horse. Absolutely. Uh, so here's the big turn. Uh, because Amy's all, hey he said get down what are you doing Vec you're still standing because he's in on it and not only is he in on it he's like the ringleader of the whole thing he's the leader what a twist didn't see it coming absolutely dude and his thing is about titty twisting a sweaty breast and his thing is I want everyone all of my minions who are cutely named after us you know Reindeer.

Reindeer. Yeah. Rudolph, whatever, Blitz, and whatever. So Christmas movie, like, come on. Here's the thing. It's, it's, how about this? Black Friday movie. It's not a Black Friday or Thanksgiving movie and it's not a Christmas movie.

It's a movie that takes place at the holidays. But it's kind of all encompassing. We get a lot of holidays here. I don't want to be Mr. Blitzin. Why do I have to be Mr. Blitzin? Because another guy and another job is Mr. Donner. You're Mr. Blitzen. All mapped out.

We're going to get the codes. We're going to fly off on my plane. The codes. So they have to go, all of these guys have to go and use invisible ink on their arms to write the code for every machine. And again, I think it's identity theft. But what even is this? I don't, I don't, it doesn't make, it would make more sense like, it's the biggest retail night of the year. We're going to rob all those registers.

Yeah. And it's going to be whatever it is. That sounds like a plot. That sounds like bad Santa. All the stores store their money in the mall bank or something. It sounds like what the fucking sticky bandits are doing in Home Alone 2 lost in New York. Which is why I feel it was like maybe a little too close. And they're like, someone might have a case on this one.

So it's a little late for this plot to happen. It's also a little late for Adam Ferrar to show up. But I like Adam Ferrar. I do too. I think he's a great stand-up. I think Adam Rescue me to I think Adam Ferrara

as this as Vec now you've got a movie That would be something If he's like Kevin James How dare you You fat idiot You know what I mean And they're going at it

You know His Long Island accents Just spreading like a bird Absolutely If we're talking about It's flying through this movie The talent I mean like

It wouldn't work Because he couldn't be his underling But Bobby Connavali Would certainly get me More interested Very quick Kind of

This is a 2008 This is a 2009 Bobby Connavali Valley. So you're still not quite there. But his dick was still huge, though. Still huge. Is that right? Absolutely. Oh, my God. Pictures of that era? I was watching boardwalk empire one day. I'm like, hey, I'm just trying to watch boardwalk empire. I don't know. I hope I don't know my masculinity to destroy. And then fucking Bobby Connavalli whips it out. And I'm like, well, there goes that. You know, apparently has a large penis.

What's it. Harpo marks. Wow. It's really. It's always honking on something. I'd believe it. I believe it. Bigger of it. Gobo Blart. you think that's a genuine penis? Because sometimes people put on a little something else. Oh, interesting. No, he's running around with him. No, he's for real. He's always going to be number two to Defoe because Defoe's penis

scared Lars von Trier. What? You just nobody can, like Lars Venture is on record being like, I couldn't show his penis because he was too big. He looked at it and he looked at it and the cock went, Chaos Rains. I am now Googling confusingly large.

Bobby Cannibal penis. You know what? This definitely exists on Paul Blart's Solid State. Oh, totally. Totally. Yeah, because he's got a whole drive for celebs. Oh, yeah. All right. Now I'm doing it because All right. I got, now I'm doing

Bobby Canterbury penis boardwalk. You haven't seen it yet because Steam is to come out of your ears yet. Well, no, because like all these sites want to be classy and show me the moments before. And I'm like, get to the fucking time. What sites? Just Google image search that shit. It wasn't just turning up.

Okay. All right, let me go back to Google image search. It wasn't providing me anything before. You got a safe search on, dude? Well, that's a good question. Might also just go to Reddit. Go to the source. Yeah, you guys continue.

All right. All right. I'm going to find the penis. Well, but the Bobby Convala thing is like, that's when this is like we're making no bones about it. We're ripping off die hard. We make no bones. Yeah.

Because Adam Farah is controlling the scene. And then all of a sudden, Bobby Connavalli shows up as a SWAT team guy. And he's like, now I'm controlled the scene. And I'm a tough guy. here, blah, blah, blah. He comes in a bit later than where we're at right now. His, by the way, his character, super lame. Just really bad because he's a bully or whatever.

Are they also, what, is it just me or I feel like, because again, like cable guy, like all these different things that it's like, I was like, is there airheads in this at all? Like, I feel like it has to be because like, but you got to spend a little more outside time with the cops

if it's an airhead. We got a lot of outside in the parking lot in that movie. Yeah, that's, I guess, it's because it's a better movie. You're right about the airheads. The cast is ridiculous. The cast is so stacked. It's insane. But, I mean, but and that's what this movie misses because it keeps trying to cut back and have airheads every time you come back to the the hostages. And you know, you've got Steve René Sisi there and the, uh, the kid from the, the, the, the, the, the, the

professor, etc. Yeah. And like, you're expecting comedy to happen, but it doesn't. The plot just keeps having to have it, because it just, comedy takes a backseat immediately when this plot starts. Not only does comedy take a backseat. When we're in this bank, I mean, acting takes a backseat. These people, like, I'm so envious. They got to be in a movie where for most of it, they're just sitting there looking

at the fucking floor. Let it be known. Eric just turned his home. I'm on a website. I'm on a website called men's celebrities. Let me figure it out. Sick plug. I'm watching. I'm watching a... Phone is horizontal.

Yeah, well, that's how you can look at it. Good. He's licking his lips like a Cartoon Wolf. Come on. Where is this shit? He was, he was stooping her, but where's the fucking penis? Where is the fucking penis? All right, I'll report back soon. Apparently we're putting the romance site, the romance scenes

on men's celebrities. I appreciate that. There's a very important plot detail that we need to get in here is that Wee's and the Juice guys daughter's cell phone rings. And it's her ex-boyfriend Pahood, played by

a dear Callion, who is Al from that TV series the United States of Al how you do it's CBS comedies Oh yes He was also the Rules of Engagement Which is a David Spade comedy With Patrick Warburton

Oh that television show He's like oh not the Samuel Jackson Tommy Lee Jones movie It's not the war film And then I was triply incorrect Because I was thinking of the film Rules of Attraction which has nothing to do With anywhere

But yeah And his thing is like he's just being silly and like he's obsessed with the girl and like the only thing that is plot oriented he's like oh I can track her phone I know exactly where you are L.O L.L I'm a creep and like that's sort of whatever I wonder if that's going to come up later it might it might just happen one of my biggest yeah rights of this movie is like so

Kevin James comes out of the arcade and he's walking around the mall first of all he has the line oh mall closed early it's black Friday you fucking idiot what are you talking about that was dumb But so he's walking around and he's like noticing things are a bit off and he walks past this Dunkin' Donuts and he notices that all the donuts are still in the shelf to which he goes, huh, Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the mission. And I was like, yeah, fucking right. Gary does anything with Dunkin' Donuts, donuts. What are you talking about? These fucking corporations do they fucking put all that in a bag and throw it out in a dumpster and lock that shit. They lock it. This penis is all right. I wish I had some better angles on it. You got to watch the show. Show's very good. I guess I'll watch the show. That's where he uses the penis to fly and take off.

Try and get me now, Steve Busemi, you fucking idiot. Fuck you, Nucky. Fuck you. Bobby Canny. You know, and like he, I think the first guy is skateboard guy that he runs into. And like, because, and he beats him up. And it's like, okay, that's, that's all right. Right.

You know, it should be said that we are now. in the movie in a situation where Paul Blard is emerging from his guitar hero rock band Hayes. Still excited. It's still shaking with the excitement. Oh, yeah. The pixie sticks still present in his bloodstream.

Found pixie sticks in his bloodstream. That's what did it. 100%. He would absolutely do that. Okay, this site is much better. Queer Click. And you got, they enhance the shot of the penis. Yeah, get that gamma up.

Yeah, you got a little... Finally, someone doing the work. What am I looking? Is that the boardwalk? I get, yeah, this is the, well, it's kind of an... God's eye of Bobby's dick. He's taking a shower, you say. Much like a hitchcock. That looks like a little blood sausage for me there.

Jesus Christ. It's just delicious. Look at the girth on that fucking thing, man. When that thing gets hard, holy shit. Yeah, you're in trouble. Go find Harpo Marx's dick. Is that? Is that on here for a real?

It's on Twitter. The dicks of 30s comedy legends. Yeah. No, but there's a shot. Fatty Arbuckle. There's a shot in a night at the opera, I think. That would be amazing. If Bobby Cadevello had to play Harpo marks

in a biopic because of the cock was so big. Look, it's the only thing that makes sense. The only similarities you got with Harpo is your penis. Everything. And you're taller than he is. I don't think he's on men's celebrities. Oh, that's a god damn shame. So, like, I mean, and this is sort of when the movie gets really, really boring is it's just, it's him hiding and like always.

Yeah, like there's a bit where like two, two of them go after him. Yes. And this is when he's like, dude, this fucking air conditioning duct was really industrial. I'll tell you what, man. It's so weird that this whole thing is like, I mean, it's hanging from the ceiling, I guess, to make this sequence happen. but yeah, it is working over time. This is parkour versus fat food, right? This is, I got so pissed off because they tried to,

this is a moment when he should be farted. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But they don't because they think they're fucking classy. That would be great because then it gets through the vents. Exactly. Steeping out all over the mall and people are passing out. Just nothing but potential for jokes here. But instead, it's, I haven't eaten today.

Yeah. I have the belly grown. Yeah, dude. And that is what leads to it. I'm surprised, gentlemen, we've made it this far without saying Paul Blart more like Paul fart. But he does not fart at this movie

out of this is sure. It's insane. Instead of being hungry, he should just be he should be farting. His ash should be spraying diarrhea. This movie stinks. It does. I mean, the dumb thing here also is again, like you're doing die hard in a mall and you're putting the

protagonist in the vents for a little bit? Just shut up. Just stop. God damn it. Stop what you're doing. They had to build a vent big enough for Kevin James just to film this. Oh no, it's an enormous vent. It's like an HVAC unit you'd need at NASA

for some reason. So the display such as it is in this store is like there's a bunch of mannequin legs hanging from the ceiling. So that's what he's doing. Just like Clue. Clue. Clute. Oh, clout. Yes.

Yeah, a lot of mannequins include, actually. And so he, this was kind of interesting. The dude that, like, breaks a fucking, like, display pole in half and starts jamming it up trying to repel him. That's kind of funny. Yeah, it's kind of scary for a minute. There's five seconds of stakes. Some tension. A little bit there.

That dude runs away and the vent falls on this woman, presumably killing her. Because that thing, too, it's such a, like, In Diehard, he's murdering these people. That's why they, but like, he ties up one guy in a, in a tanning bed. But everyone else is like kind of bonks on the head. And then they're, you know that they're out of the movie. Just out of the head.

They got tagged. It's so aggravating because this movie should write itself. He should be able to take out every one of these parkour robbers with some mall related like bit of, yes. It's like, where's the like, I'm going to become the mall? Yeah. No, like that kind of thing, like disappear into the mall. Like, this is my mall.

They don't know where, they don't know where all the stuff is. He gets three tiles on his face and go up against the wall. He's, it's already, he's already a juvenile. Kids turn it into home alone in a mall. Exactly. The gumball machine. They can fall on that. You could drown one of them in the orange Julius dispenser.

Drown them. That could be a thing. Use a hot dog in some way. Hey, wait a second. Speaking of hot dogs, am I, am I thinking right here? We don't see a food court at all in this movie. I don't believe so. That's fucked up.

Unbelievable. You know there is one. That's where the whole movie should pretty much take place, right? But they should be locked up somewhere maybe in the back of like the fucking China Walk or the fucking Taco Bell or the Wendy's. You already have the encased meat, sweaty meat of Kevin James. Give me a hot dog. The hot dog. Give me an A&W.

He shoves a bunch of hot dogs in the guy's mouth, then shoves hot dogs in his eyes and hot dogs in his. No, he's one of his butt, his ears and then his butt, yeah, dude, he shoves it all up his butt, he stretches out his ass. And then he snaps of picks and sends it to men's celebs. Like, you can at least do that to the guy who's like, I'm going to kill your girlfriend 17 times in front of your face. Instead, we'll fall into the ball pit. And this whole sequence is something, right?

Because this guy's got a skateboard. I can see him jump in the roof with this angle. Sure. the segue, not so much. He doesn't even get up to that area. He just drives it forward and goes across, knocks into this guy, falls into a sky, like,

we are destroying so much of this mall. Oh, yeah, dude. Paul Blart needs to be brought up on fucking charges. Oh, he should be. I don't know if that happens. I forget Paul mall cop too. I don't know if that happens. But I hope it does. And we also have this thing, like really specifically, I think cops

try to invade the mall a couple times. And there's like devices that Vec has planted that stops them from doing that and I think if they do it again they better use body bags and then cut to little girl Blart

just in the mall with a sandwich where's my daddy? I'm like how the fuck did you get in this movie? Because she's got a fucking key card thing that Paul Blart gave her like look I'm gonna need you

to bring me a sandwich halfway through my shift so here's a security card for you to get anywhere in the mall Hey dad what are you just bring it and put in the community fridge at work No, you have to come bring it. You know, because then the bread's going to get soggy.

I need you to make it and get it to me in no less than 20 minutes. Very specific with his food orders, as we know. Teenage girl, here's a key to everything in the mall. Shoplift with your friends get fucked up and down the mall. That sounds great. You know what's happened? That's what's going to happen. But that sounds great.

I'm much more into that idea than I am to what's happening. She just shows up and gets kidnapped. And now it's like, oh, no, your hot girlfriend and your daughter, both now in danger, I guess, sort of maybe. What kind of a father has his daughter, his flesh and blood, come into the fray of Black Friday to deliver him. That's true.

Well, look, you just, you haven't been in a situation yet in which you need an emergency sandwich. Lord knows I have. Everybody I mean, it happens to all of us eventually in life, but one day you will also need an emergency sandwich and you will wish that your progeny had a

magical card that gets you involved. Ben, you see this bracelet I have here? I press this button. sandwich 20 minutes later. It lights up and everything. It's his sandwich alert bracelet. Bobby Connovali does show up at some point a little back from

where we're jumping towards, but I just want to bring it up because it's another legitimate laugh because he's like, oh, he goes, Paul Blart, I think it went to high school with that guy. Let me talk to him when he gets on the phone and he's like, oh yeah, this is me, Bobby Conavale. Remember me from high school, Blart?

I'm the one that set you on fire at the pancake festival, that's good. I like the one before that when he was like, Paul Blar, we used to abuse that loser in high school. That's what he says to the cops. And I like that abuse that. That's a good one.

Legitimate laugh. Yeah, there you go. There's a couple. There's a couple. Abuse. Yeah, the ball pit thing happens. That dude's dead. Yeah, the daughter shows up.

Oh, we got to stop the action. because as as like zeroed in on saving the mall as he is, he's also super horny. Of course. Still trying to bag this Amy Whig sales lady. Sure. So he stops everything to try to break into this hallmark store to get her a birthday card because it's also her birthday on this day.

Dumb as fuck. Well, she also says this is a weird thing which makes no sense. She's like, oh yeah, it's my birthday. but like good luck anyone ever getting me a card because it's like always Black Friday I'm like no that would happen like once every seven years would be kind of an end black friend is kind of a newish phenomenon anyway

I was born on Friday No no no no no My birthday is always the third Friday in November all right And Paul Blart destroys this this like hallmark store's door Yes bursts it through

it on the segue to get this fucking thing Yeah And eventually blows up the fucking Rainforest Cafe he does well you know there's also this bit that's so in the trailer and like so like knee slapingly funny as he gets a cut on his arm and it's a little hello kitty bandaid and i mean like this was could you imagine this was like what it was this is the third joke of the movie he's fat there's a segue l-o-l tiny band-aid on fat that is the third joke of the movie folks and although that that proliferates because what eric said is absolutely true can you imagine because that's like There is no joke to him, like, stopping in the middle of this to get her a birthday card. It's just like, can't you imagine a birthday card in the middle of a hostage situation when his love is right now? Can you even imagine? He tries to talk tough over the intercom.

Again, this is kind of like Bruce Willis talking to the terrorists, you know. But, uh-oh, the hypoglycemia kicks in and he passes out and he's got to eat this disgusting lollipop. This is after the costume change. He puts on a black uniform now because he's a badass. Now it's bad. Bout, bough, bough, bough, blart. I'm surprised we didn't get any jet in this. Like, are you going to be my girl?

Because that's way too modern music for Happy Madison's music selection. The audience wouldn't know what was happening. I suppose. And scared. All the gen Xers in the audience. It sounds exactly like the old music, but it's new. How? This isn't sticks.

this isn't sticks this isn't sticks this is oh wait that was sticks that was it okay that was a pixie stick great line delivery by one of these ex game non-actors it's just we got them trapped in the

rainforest cafe holy shit get some actors for this stuff folks well they had they had to get parkur people yeah that's true act like have to be able to do gymnastics too Yeah, they flip around shit. Very useful for credit card fraud.

Absolutely. Oh, totally. 2009. I think he knocks one over, he knocks somebody over something in the rainforest cafe and he bobs another one on the head in the rainforest cafe. And then the third guy eats a piece of lettuce in the rainforest cafe and just dies from trickinus. Yeah, totally. Like, just his fucking asshole falls out and he drops dead.

This is eating unwashed rainforest cafe lettuce. Anybody ever eat in a rainforest cafe? I did once. No, never, never been, never, never saw one in the wild, to be honest with it. There's a big one in Chicago, I remember, but I would never want that, yeah. We, we didn't have one grown up, but what we had, you remember this in the mall, Chris Cabin? You remember the Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse? Oh, of course, that's a lot of syllables.

No, that is literally what it was called. It was, it was like a fancyish mall restaurant called the Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse. And you walked in and there was, we should stop, sir. There's a talking moose. A talking moose. It was like a moose head and go, Hi, welcome to Bugaboo Creek Steakown. It's going to be 30 minutes before your table.

Go, go, go. And it was. And your life has been cursed. It was a total rip of the rainforest cafe because they had, it was the same thing, but it was like, instead of the rainforest, it was like North Dakota Cafe. There was bear stuff everywhere. Bears all over the place.

It's the northern exposure, like, rest. was the American version. Good drink menu or anything? No, absolute garbage from top to bottom. Oh, cool. Extra sugary margaritas and whatever. Get yourself a bugaboo bear. And that was a place where I definitely had shitty fish. These fake restaurants are just awful. I mean, it was. Born in captivity, raised in raw sewage. I mean, it's, it's whoever wins, we lose situation, because that place was right next to a Ruby Tuesdays. And it was just like either way.

I got such bad food, but I was I think during a Ruby Tuesdays, forget about it. That's what they served. It's different kinds. Was it the typhoon shrimp? I think it was just the burger. And then it was like, oh, no. Typhoon is what comes out of your ass.

And it was like, it was me. I just started dating my wife, Jen, and her friend. And we were like, I were dating both of them? Yeah. Her friend was there. That's a large move. The way you structured that sentence, man, you really blarded up that. And it was like, oh, cool, ironic, we're at a ball.

Let's do, let's hit up the Ruby Tuesdays, L.O.L. Guess who now has diarrhea for the rest of the evening. Steve, did you shit in the car? Goodbye. Oh, Ruby Tuesdays. Get out of my ass right now. Actually, though, another culprit man, because it was popular at every Ruby Tuesdays, I think, at least pre-COVID.

Were you going to that salad? No. Oh, okay. Because I've, I've, I've risked my life at that rain Tuesdays. Green death. Yeah, yeah. The cubed ham there, that will give you the sixth season. Absolutely. So, like, you just back your cubes. Is this locally cubed?

You ship a source from the Hudson region? So wait a second, though, because the worst line of the movie happens at the Rainforest Cafe where he's dispatching these dudes. Uh, one of them, he takes an oxygen tank. and positions in front of a dude and he goes, scuba dooby-doo and knocks the cap off and it flies and hits him, I guess. Am I supposed to

laugh at that? I'm supposed to cheer. Oh, you're supposed to be doing both dude. You're supposed to be leering at that. Laugh cheering. Because that is as close to you get as any of us get to an Adam Sandler, a dooby-duby-duby-doo. That's true. A scuba-duby-do. That's just close enough.

Whatever I'm accused of leering at some ladies. Yeah. I'd be like, no, I was actually cheer laughing. That's right. It's being supportive. And then the big like,

which like, I don't know, man, this is a movie called fucking Paul Blart Mallcup. I feel when there's an explosion, this is the end of the movie. Yeah. Because there's some gag about like, he's got them all locked up in that fucking rainforest cafe.

And what he's done here is he has very dangerously and irresponsibly turned the gas on the stoves. Smart move. and left a curling iron there. Oh, yeah. This explosion happens. I mean, that person is 100% dead. He fucking killed that person in the rainforests.

He's going full under siege right now. Oh, you better talk to the captain, dude. Except this guy can't cook. He can just order it. How great would it be to see Paul Blarton, a knife fight? Yes. I'd like to see him lose it. Oh, well, if anybody wants to be really scarred by Kevin,

He played a white nationalist in this action horror movie, Becky or Beth or something like that. I think it might be back. They just made a sequel with Sean William Scott is in for James. Wow. And I was like, how are you making sequels to these movies that nobody fucking sees? How? That's true. That's fucking crazy.

You know, much like Stephen Segal in Under Siege. Kevin James apparently said no martial artist of sorts. Yes. really because it's here come the boom right right like he was like a UFC guy weirdly can fight he knows how to put some holds on throws his weight around yeah now I mean he seems to be balking up a bit because before because I remember when like he first was like becoming a movie star like they did some like thing about him doing like charity events and it was all golf and you got imagine that's like not helpful so when you get like UFC like you're like at least

I'm active here sure I'm not just like hanging out staring at the golf course another like crazy edit to sort of the end of this movie towards the end of this movie basically because he's now like going back and forth with Vec and there's this thing with the Segway right and he's like loads up the segue with a mannequin to trick Vec and like Vec like shoots the shit out of out of the mannequin and it's like oh it's obviously a mannequin and you cut back and then he's like wait a second it's a mannequin he goes back to the bank and I swear to God like it's the end of an okay joke which is he used a pulley system to get everyone else out of Oh yes you're right because you don't see this happen all you come back to the bank and it's just

the kid from the kid from the clumps hanging from the ceiling but he's too heavy to go so it's like the joke is oh man we can't lift this kid up but everyone else is in the rafters that thing that would take all night it would order Maya uh Amy the wig sales lady and fucking Steve ran his easy pen salesman are already up there and you didn't see any of this start. He does it in like 30 seconds. And that would be a setup of a joke right? Like you get her, you get him. It's like, oh man, you're getting

heavy. And then the joke is, all right, we have three seconds left. Let's get the last guy. L.O.L. He's fat. Yeah. But like, cunning back, you have to do so much mental math to realize what happened because the edit was so bad. You're right. It's totally awful. You just have no fucking clue what's happening. But thankfully, this movie does not leave you an opportunity to think about that too much

you ain't dwelling on nothing because you better believe it he falls through the ceiling Bob! Could you imagine? Oh my God. Dude and like none of them like no one in the room

like every other actor in this scene does not react. Yeah. And I think it's like I think they thought that was funny for one reason or another but it's really just like yeah he fell again.

What do you want us to do? We know he falls. He falls all the time. He's there being fallen this whole They're directed by a car. It's just beep, beep. That's not helping me for this scene. So now it's just Vak. He kidnaps just Amy and the girl and the daughter.

After Paul Blart throws hot sauce in his eyeball. I should say, yes. Getting back to bull's eye. This is this is the one genuine guffaw for me at least. Like for whatever reason, Paul Bart to get the better of Vec in this scene

sure he has and this I don't know if we've mentioned it but the hot sauce Hercules has gifted him a bottle of hot sauce the devil's crotch I believe to make him feel better for you know

I guess losing the nacho eating contest I think I saw the devil's crotch on queer clip it's pretty good kind of Bali that's hot tidy down there the devil

the devil I don't know Take a weed whacker to it. It's a little blood sausage going on there. So he's got this hot sauce holstered. Yeah. And he whips it out and they do like he kind of like he spins off the top. You know, like a real pro.

Like a real pro. He's opened a condiment container or two. Oh, he knows how to eat. Good for him. He's very smooth. This is all one smooth motion. And he picks it up and you kind of like know this is going to happen. But the way that they do it, the thing that got me.

was just this sound effect. Yeah. The little bloop. Yep. Of the hot sauce. It's just one, one swift little, he shakes it once and the hot sauce travels across the room and hits the guy right in the eye. Right in the eye.

Back into the left. And back and in the left. Stop. In mid-air, mind you. But the thing about that, that's so crazy. And again, because I was like, all right, the movie did not end with the Rainforest Cafe explosion. it. Here it is. The big face off with Vec. He just got him with that hot sauce.

Kevin James literally stands there and does nothing. The character doesn't move. He just looks at him. Vec is like, why did you throw hot sauce at me? Well, got to go. The joke is he stops as, man, I should have capitalized on that. I'm like, yeah, because

the movie would be fucking over, Blart. But we can't do that. Turn it off. It would only be an hour and 15 minutes or something. So we need to pad it with another 10 minutes. where they're now this guy gets away and they're driving to the fucking airfield. For no reason,

Paul Blart pulls a Blues Brothers and drives the dented van that he fucked up at the beginning of the film through a store window. I guess so. Take that discount clothing store. He picks up Bobby Connovali who is now impressed by all of the

diehard shenanigans. Like you're pretty cool Blart. I guess Paul Blurt is a badass. Yes. Thank you very much. That's a horrible line. And the whole thing with the phone tracking comes back because Kevin James calls this dude Pahoon again. He's like, hey, man, remember that creepy thing about tracking your ex-girlfriend's cell phone? Do that again because I need to see what's going on.

And this dude is just like, oh, it looks as if they're heading towards an air base. And I was like, does it? It doesn't really look like that Pahoon. Okay, man, whatever. It looks like they're heading to a special secret headquarters on an air base. It's just such a bad, stupid line. Vec has this phone because it has all the codes in it. Oh, that's right, because Kevin James has been, like, as he kills one person after another here,

he sees the black light number on their arm and then types it into the phone for whatever reason. We're driving along. We're trying to do this big fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger action stunt here where, like, Paul Blard is on the top of this van. He's going to jump over onto the van and save the day. He's dead. He literally just jumps off into like the little road embankment there. He would be dead. I wish. I wish he was dead. This, the hot sauce gag. I think even the, I need a tiny band-aid gag. Very family guy-esque. You know what I mean? That's true. We're going to hold. I hit my shin and go, oh, oh, man. And you know, Kevin James, if they were ever making a live action fucking family guy, he would be first in line.

Go into the social media to try to get himself in that. that fucking roll. Man, you know what? If there's ever a live action Family Guy movie, I'm fucking done with the media. That's the lot. I mean, I've already been done

with Family Guy for like 20 years. I can't even imagine. It's going to happen. Oh, man. But so we get to this air strip. And again, I ask, how does some scuzzy dude from Jersey have this private jet gassed up

and ready to go? Whatever. I guess he's a super criminal after all. Do you know how much those codes are worth? I heard. $30 million. Look, you know what, Gary, just have the plane ready. I'm going to have the codes. The codes are worth $30 million, sir.

Now, here's the thing that, like, I just, I don't buy it and I got to give the credit back to Paul Blart and Kevin James. Like, there's no way this little guy, Vec, is any match for Paul Blart. And yet this dude is, like, besting him in a fight. I'm like, how you're fucking. three times the size of his kid. No, thank you. Just throw him to the ground.

And you would beat up like Marines this whole movie. You know what I mean? I wanted Paul Blar to do that like belly thing where like you expand the belly out. And then he just belly bump goes flying off him into the propellers. Classic fat guy combat movie. And or the greatest fat guy combat move of them all, the EHonda 1,000 hand slap. Oh, that's right. Anybody could do it.

Yeah, I mean, that is really true, Ben. because, like, he is killing the, like, guys who do wet work in Michael Mann movie. Yeah, exactly. Are fucking taking this place over and he's just dispatching them. At one point, he does a head butt. Yes. I want that belly butt, dude. Yes.

You know, or the bear hug, like the real fucking, yeah. Interlock your hands and you fucking break this kid's spine. Absolutely. You swallow him in your own body. Like your blob-esque body. He just crushed inside your. The headbutt thing is kind of funny because he headbutts the dude in the ball pit like after they fall through the skylight. And obviously like he fucks up his own head as well and he goes, ah, nobody wins with headbutts.

I thought that was going to be. Which is probably true, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to do one. No. Has anybody been headbutted before? No. It hurts like how. Oh, okay.

You see the key is you take the forehead. Is that right? And you smash that into the nose. I got right So the nose goes into the brain That's right Just kill someone It's just do

Oh so Bobby Connavali's crooked too That's like which he pulls a gun for no reason It doesn't make sense It's set up what he takes over the crime scene Is swat or whatever He wants to do such a good job with it Yeah he's just like Well how could you do that

If this series of events didn't happen as they did He should just be the guy as like You know what I was a bully in high school blot you really showed me today by being such a badass. Because it just handshake end of movie. But that's the way it should be. You're telling me, right. We haven't mentioned the Zach

Braff cousin cop whatever like what? Doesn't that guy look like Zach Bras? He doesn't look like Zach Bras. I can see that. Yeah, he's like... We are in Garden State here. But he saves the day by shooting him in like the thigh or something. The hand, he shoots the gun at his hand. He doesn't

the other guy. Oh, it's the old guy. It's the dude from the wine. The boss of the mall cops Which this is a thing Do not pass go Go directly to fucking jail Because it's a security guard That stole a cop's gun

Out of the holster They let you do that You can do that You know what People think that's a big deal But you can do it once or twice In your life anyone Yeah

I mean just grab a cop's gun I imagine Peter Garrett was like Well I was I'll be honest with it I was trying to do a suicide by cops I thought this would be an easy way to get with. But hey, if I can save the day, I can save the day. I'll take hero just as much as I would have definitely

accepted suicide. A hail of bullets. And because we are getting our fucking money's worth, man. I can't hold back by Survivor kicks into the third time. And you know, it's this whole, Adam Ferrar is like, I know you wanted to join the state police, but if you want to come on my like, Jersey

fucking whatever, in small town police force, there's a spot for you. And he's just like, no, my job is protecting. I people of this mall to be paid less and have no benefit. Exactly. Like this is makes no sense. He's got a kid. He's got a fucking child. You can't work at the mall

your whole life if you have other opportunities. There's nothing wrong with working at the mall or working retail or working as a security guard. Nothing wrong with it at all. But if you get the better opportunity and you have a child, you have to then take that opportunity. I don't want a pension. Yes, exactly. You are a fucking idiot. Like what this girl needs braces or something,

you're fucked. But to be fair here, this, as we see at the end. This is soon to be a two-income household. You're going to get wig money as well as wig retail money as well as the security officer money.

I need more of him and her. How is she just instantly? Well, he gives her the birthday card you see. Oh, yes. And again, because her birthday always falls on Black Friday, which is stupid. So I just have to be a quote unquote nice guy. Yeah, but yet be really fucking weird.

And also, not for nothing. If anyone ever missed my birthday because of Black Friday, fuck you? You know what I mean? It's not that big of it. No, it's my birthday. Oh, Steve, I'm sorry I missed your birthday, man. I was buying a TV. All right, for how long?

And then after the TV, there was a really sick deal on a microwave and I had to wait in line for it to get the right one. I was at a Best Buy at 315 in the morning. I had my laptop. You know, it's such a shame, Steve, that your birthday is always on Black Friday. I just can never get around to it. It's a shame. Yours is always on St. Patrick's Day, Eric. It's an shame.

Well, that's always. That's always March of 17th. Damn it. But you were drunk, so it's okay. Easter's one that switches. Easter's all over the board. Dude, Easter could be in fucking February. Like, what the fuck happened here?

Totally. I'll tell you what happened. They're a fucking flub at the calendar factor. Did Jesus see a shadow? What the fuck? Now I'm going to go back in. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

Roll in the rock back again. Six more weeks of dead Jesus. I'm still tired. I took a melatonin too late last night. June Eastern this year. I guess it's June. Get to figure that shit out. Punks of Tony pilot.

There you go. He washes his tiny, his tiny, ponchitone. There it is. There it is. That's it. Don't pray angry. Don't pray angry. He watches his little groundhog hands

and the whole affair, you see. With his cute Roman armor on. That is adorable. I would buy that stuff to animal at a heartbeat. Oh, absolutely. I always thought it would be great if there was a, for the build a bear, if they had an Easter one called the Cross to Bear.

Oh, that would be great. You can pick the color of the wood that he goes up on. Pick the stitchings for my blood coming out of my hands. Yeah, that's right. You simpletons come by the bear. That has Jesus on it, you idiots. Steve, don't give these ideas away for free. Yeah, man.

There's so many dumb people out there and that's a trillion dollar idea. Yeah, but she reads this birthday card. You know, she's horny because think I'm in love by Eddie Money starts playing. Oh, yeah. And they just sort of walk off through the parking lot. Maybe they'd have dinner at legal seafoods.

I don't know. Not only does this guy stammering mess when he's around me. Not only does he have a 13-year-old daughter who will eventually absolutely hate me. Not only. Did he poke me with his boner on the? that segue rhyme. Not only is he

very unattractive. Andy lives with his mom and that's awesome. Okay, cool. I want to fucking this dude's jerk Dan. That's what I want to do. Oh yeah. And she's going to be paying for that funeral too. When Shirley Knight leaves this world, she's going to be ponying up. Another reason why he should have

fucking, yeah, RIP Shirley Knight, by the way. But another reason why he should have joined the Forceman fucking free funeral. Exactly. Right. Yeah. But then so I was like, oh, okay, movie. You at least had the good grace to just fucking end in that parking lot.

Uh, uh, uh, you get like four credits. Uh, and what was interesting was I saw, I've never seen this on a streaming platform before. Tubi has this thing come up because I guess it must know there were more scenes a comment. And the thing said skip early credits. Oh, interesting. So if you need to get to these amazing extra scenes that you can't even hear

anything from faster, you can skip the seven seconds of credit. It's a great functionality for Marvel movies and what have you. You know, I skip through the other credits. I wish there was a skip early movie button. Yes. You just went, get me to the guitar hero part and then I can go

from there. Skip Mall, Siege, skip that, no problem. Take me right to Rainforest Cafe. You know what? Take me right to the airport. Skip said Thanksgiving, but take me to fat off. I just want that one scene.

This is what their wedding. I turn off the TV immediately. I did not know this existing. They get married in the mall and like karaoke guy comes back. Weez are the juice guy's there with his daughter. Weezer the juice guy's daughter catches the bouquet. Her boyfriend is there too. Now they're back together.

He's at the wedding. He didn't mention him enough. He comes, he's integral to the plot because there's a GPS on her phone. That's how he finds out they're going to the air strip. We didn't mention all of that. Okay, I wasn't listening. I was looking at dicks on my phone.

Very important work. Like, if this were a true, like, they wanted to be a wacky movie, right? And if this were, like, truly inhabited the spirit of, like, a Billy Madison or a happy Gilmore, a happy Madison movie. Like, they would have, like, of just a fun shot of the parkour criminals at the wedding, too, because who gets a fuck, right? But they don't. Well, at least two were incinerated with the Rainbow Catve Exploded. And the problem is also, it's over, yeah, there's a funeral. Oh, maybe some skeletons dancing.

That would be kind of funny. But it's like, doing parkour. The wedding, which has, you know, visual gags that would be satisfying if you liked this movie, which I did not. It's like, it's condensed and small and like the credits are going. You'd barely see what's going on. Yep. Like, have the conviction to your point, if it is going to be this big zany movie and in a big silly wedding, right? Like, that's, it's like, like, she just says something like, well, we'll see about that.

Smash cut wedding. And then we're really paying off this shitty gag of both of them on his and her segways. Yep. Like, at least have that conviction to do it. Because, like, you can't even hear any of it. No, you can't. It's just the Eddie Money song playing. Exactly.

Because even Gary Valentine goes back as the wedding singer. Like, these are, like, again, it's not good. But if you liked the movie, it would be a satisfying conclusion to the movie. Yeah, because, you know, like Ben pointed out. like, yeah, all those Happy Maddus movies have that victory lap to them one way or another. This does not. That is the end of the movie.

We will go around the horn here, Ben, as our esteemed guest this week. Recommendations and final thoughts about Paul Blart, colon, mall cop. Well, as the resident mall experts, or around a thousand malls and whatnot. Fraud in to assess this film, I can say with confidence that this is a hearty no. heart, full-hearted, no. Clawed, fat, artery heart, no. Clawed toilets with this guy.

No, I mean, this movie, this is truly terrible when I said that I injured my eye watching this movie. It was not just a joke. I literally woke up this morning with a sty in one of my eyes. Brutal. Thanks a lot, Paul Blart. And I blame Paul Blart. You should. Probably from me, like, doing the rubbing the eyes, like,

I can't believe what I'm watching. Cry laughing too much. Getting like popcorn salt in there or something like that. Steve Saneck. No, no, no. I'm not a big Kevin James fan at all.

Like I like to stand up once. And that's really been it. It wouldn't shock me if you did something good once. To my knowledge, it hasn't happened. This is a disaster. I think that like, I think there's a reasonable fun Paul Bart model cop where it really

just sticks to a low-stakes-ball movie once it turns into a super heist, I don't know who's supposed to like it but I certainly didn't. I will just go on record and saying as saying, super not a recommend. And I'm not anti-happy Madison. There's a lot

of those movies that I think range from great to pretty funny. This ain't it, folks. And I will say, I like to pride myself, just like we all here, as a fellow who is aware of movies. and knows movies that

exist and whatnot when I tell you no joke I had no fucking idea this movie had a sequel I had no idea it came out like 2015 or something like that I don't understand

six years and I just want to read something here because it also might be a state tuned at some point down the line but I was like what could what mileage are you getting out of Paul Blart too so the whole thing is like he goes to Vegas with the daughter shenanigans but

The couple first lines of the plot summary on Wikipedia is some of the funniest shit. Funnier than the first movie. Following the events at West Orange Pavilion Mall, Paul Blart is recovering from several misfortunes. His wife, Amy, divorced him six days into their marriage. And two years later, his mother Margaret was killed after being hit by a milk truck. Wow. Doesn't that happen at Banges to be to Sharon?

Isn't somebody else? Some of his father is hit by a milk truck. Yeah, that sounds about right. At least it wasn't a segue. So I guess Amy got her vision back, right, six days into the marriage. Maybe that old rascal guy was driving. Oh, there you go. Despite all those fat jokes, it is fat phobic, it is stupid, it's fucking shitty.

I hate this fucking movie. It was really tough to get through, honestly. Yeah, it was a rough one. Chris Cabin. Oh, you got more there? I'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. or the rest of my opinion got hit by a milk truck.

I don't care. Go ahead. I mean, it's a horrible movie. I mean, like any Kevin James, it just, it's not there, man. All of it, it just, it fails every time. This, I even like some of the supporting cast is good. I just, it's all late to waste because he cannot hold it off altogether. He just can't do it. I say that for all, here comes the boom.

I've seen a lot of these. I was a critic around when this was During the James Assons So I've seen a lot of the shit Zookeeper, right? Zookeeper also. We did the Zookeeper, also. Yeah, we did the Zookeeper.

Big man. Went for the small screen. Well, all the, and that's why I think he was the right move for those, uh, the early Netflix movies. But like, if you want to do it there, but like watching Sandler on the small screen really does depress you. Like I, I want to see him big.

Wasn't he in like a fucking assassin movie or something? Yes, he was. Yes. Who could. give a shit. There was so many of it, but yeah, don't watch any of it. It's so bad. Damn, that is Paul Blart Mallcup, everybody. If you want more

We Hate Movies, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We have a rocking and rolling. We love movies episode all about Indiana Jones and the last crusade that's out this month. But, you know, all the shows that you, you know and love, the Nexus is going to be there, Mel Road 210. We do have

once in a lifetime is returning and we are going back to Dr. Beckland. What's the official title? of this one. Stalk by my doctor, a sleepwalker is a nightmare, I want to say. I think that's correct. That sounds right. Wherein, two like worlds of

lifetime movies collide into one. That's right. The weird sleeps sleepwalking in suburbia. Yes, sleepwalking in suburbia and stuck by my doctor together at last. Two great flavors. I was sleepwalking in Memphis. So we do have that going on. Do we know the AD? Yeah, we're doing a,

to tie in with our previous episode now of the Beast Transformers movie. We're doing an episode of Beast Wars. We're going to stomach through the Beast Wars. Here we go. We'll see what happens there, folks.

I truly don't know. The Nexus, of course, rocking and rolling with some TOS and TNG discussions. And then the Nexus, or Gleip Blastery. We're doing this so early. We are.

We're ahead of the game. Listen, the Gleeve glossary is probably out any day now, even though I don't know what it is. It's a good one. Where can we find you on the internet? Well, you know, past episodes, I would come on here and say, hey, follow me on Twitter, but that just does not seem like the right thing to mention. In fact, if you're following me on Twitter, unfollow me on Twitter.

I got you. But go ahead on over to Letterbox. I'm over on Letterbox. Nice. And that seems, that's a fun place. Yeah. What's your handle there? Probably my name.

Come on. all, you know, the kids at home, they all go by like Funky Joe and Fartzilla. Oh, yeah. So they want to know, you know, so they can find you at B. Lart fan 69. They can follow Funky Joe. Let me go. I got to see what Fartzilla's up to.

Yeah. So it's B-E-N-W-O-R-C-E-S-T-E-R. The Russian spelling. Not funky Ben. Don't you have a podcast as well? Yeah, that we barely do it anymore. Okay. Well, every now, we do.

TJhookerpodcast.com me and Ben have had this bad well I guess I kind of forced you into it this bad idea you know it's a forgotten police show starring William Shatner surely everyone would want to listen to an episode by episode recap of it

turns out that was wrong but we are almost done with the show we are in the fourth season and old blame it on outer space episodes have also been uploaded to that feed so you can check that out there it's a fun feed I love people want that's right hey speaking of fun feeds

the fun on this feed continues next week. The summer blockbuster extravaganza. We're ringing the bell next week, Steve. What's going on? It's a big one. It's Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Oh, yeah. It's been a while for that one for me.

I loved it growing up. The last two times I watched, I really didn't like it. So we'll see. I think it's going to be another one where I really don't know. You're to rip the heart out of these people that love it. So until next week with Eek Monkey Brains, I've been Andrew Juppin.

Steven Zadak. Eric Siska. Chris Blart. Wait, you're not doing the Eric Blart thing? You could do the Ben Blart if you want. Do you want me to be Eric Blart? I'll be Eric Blart. I'm Eric Blart. I'm Eric Blart. Go ahead. Now, see your name. I'm Ben Worcester. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.