We Hate Movies - S13 Ep687: The Postman

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

On this episode, it’s the season 13 finale as the guys finally get around to one of the most infamous flops of all time, The Postman! Why couldn’t Costner see that this needed to be cut down? Did he have any moment where he considered not playing the main character while also directing? And how many times are people screaming “Postman!” In this movie? PLUS: The guys consider celebrity prize fighting! The Postman stars Kevin Costner, all his children, Olivia Williams, Larenz Tate, Will Paton, James Russo, Daniel von Bargen, Giovanni Ribisi, Roberta Maxwell, Joe Santos, Peggy Lipton, Brian Anthony Wilson, and Tom Petty as… Himself? Directed by Kevin Costner. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, starting as low as $2 a month! We’ll be releasing new Patreon content all throughout August, so it’s the perfect time to join! Be sure to get in early and get your tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza where we’re talking The Santa Clause! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Skeleton Juice, Spring Tour 2023, KONG & DILF Den designs! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's the long, touching story of a man who discovers a new career in middle age. It's the postman. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'm General Stephen Bethlehem. Oh, my God. What do I even say to that? I'm Sheriff Eric Siska. I've got to get this guy out of my town. Admiral Idaho. And this is the season 13 finale of We Hate Movies. I'm going to be. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. The summer blockbuster extravaganza comes to a close with Kevin Costner's 1996, way too long snooze fest, The Postman.

Now, I stuffed all your mailboxes with this one. Because you guys, I think I was the only one that have seen this before. You got three first timers in that from. Which is insane for people who run a what was a bad movie podcast. You've never seen the Postman. You guys have seen Waterworld. We did that as a live episode once. So you've seen Waterworld. What was your experience with that? I remember I did not see Waterworld in theaters.

I rented it on tape and wasn't super crazy about it. Although I will say when we had to rewatch it for that show a thousand years ago, I remember thinking like, that's kind of better than I thought it was. Not by much. So the Postman, what did you think? Here's the thing because they always go these two movies go hand in the hand, right? Kevin Costor's two gigando disasters. It's way too similar.

He should not have been allowed to do both. Absolutely not. But 95 and 97, right? Yeah. That's crazy. That's insane. Like back to back you're making these things. Really nuts. But I will say this. As much as I don't care for this movie and we'll most certainly never watch it again. I fight your tongue. The pop culture, like history of this and like the outcry and the acting like this movie is like the room or something.

definitely not it's just a bloated vanity project and i here's the other thing and i don't know maybe i get put in some kind of movie jail for this i kind of don't give a shit about kevin costner period i don't like kevin costner if i can even go if i can see you and raise you 20 do it up i'm taking away your hero cake right now i like i've just like i mean like what is it it like untouchables great movie you could put anyone else in the Ness Roll, you're having a great time. Sure, but he's still commanding, I think. Yes, I'm being incredibly rude

to the man's career, right? Bull Durham. I don't care for. I just don't like that movie for whatever reason. But he's good in it. Yeah, but he's good at dreams. I guess, yeah, the thing is he's very, he's like a leading man meant to be overly sentimental, and that feels like it works against itself. Yes, it does. And I mean, like, you know, even Prince of Thieves is probably my

biggest, like, pop cultural, like, that's a movie I watched a lot as a kid. And even still, I was just like, you know, I just, I've never been big on the Cossner. And like, that's why I've actually, I never watched Waterworld. I'm pretty sure until we did it. You know what I mean? And I never watched this until now.

Is that right? Yeah, man. And I mean, Costa. I remember Waterworld seeing it. I remember being okay with it. I didn't quite understand. Like, I mean, because the world was just saturated with jokes about Waterworld. Like, as Jay Leno was talking about David Letterman.

Oh, you hear about this? Blash, boy. going crazy about how bad it was, how bloated it was. Oh, Paul, they gave me a little too much pastrami on my rubin. It cost more than water whirl. Drinking my piss. Drinking my piss. Because the world is gone to piss.

Drinking my piss. Drinking my piss. Drinking my piss because the world has gone to this. Good for you. That's fantastic. You got a beautiful mind right there. do, much like Russell Crow. You know what?

And even like, I will say, after watching this, I like a 10-fold more. Waterworld? Yeah, in comparison to this. I like this better. I prefer Waterworld to Land-World. Oh, yes. I prefer Waterworld as well. And I mean, yeah, I stayed away from this because it was,

everybody said it was bad. Like, nobody was sticking up for this at all. What makes both movies is the villain. You got Dennis Hopper, twirling a mustache, and Will Patton here, this might be one of a career highlight for Will Pan. I think Will Patton's kind of awesome in this movie. I thought it was a good

Villain character. He gets to do it for once. You never got to see him do it again. I mean, I love Will Pat and but he is not John Cage. He can't make something interesting out of one note. Wow. That's just it cannot happen. Like, and like again, like yes, he tries his best and he tries to his delivery gives

detail to this character that I do not think is in the script. that's the problem too. Towards the end, you realize, like, I kind of even know what this gang is and it's been three hours. You know what I mean? And I do know what they are. Oh, you didn't see the book?

He's got the book right there. See the book? The self-help guru's book. That's what it's all about. Here's the thing. That dude is dead in this movie. Nathan Holn. Yeah.

But I need to see like the actual slip cover of that book and that needs to be a picture of a celebrity. It just has to be. me. I need a flashback. I need a flashback to like some, someone of Costner's stature, Mel Gibson, slapping the shed out of Will Patt and then telling him like what his place is in this army. That would be awesome. Speaking of Mel Gibson, like he did road warrior. Yeah. Kevin Costner here did board warrior. Horse warrior. Nah, that's true. That's too cool. I don't know. I mean, aren't you the one defending this movie? I am. Listen, it's not. Mule warrior. I know it's not good. As a kid,

I saw this and I was kind of interested in it and I've always thought to myself there's a movie in here there is you got to cut out like almost 90 minutes to get there but it's there but it's like it's like if Timothy Shalame directed Dune and Paula Trades

was the greatest emperor of all time it's so true and I was oh my God thank you so much for making my life so much better Paul Atreides oh my God it's the worst the worst decision anything around this movie

well, two things. Him playing the lead and two Warner Brothers releasing this movie at Christmas, you fucking idiot. I don't know what you're thinking. What are you doing?

I almost understand it because there's just where else, unless you just do a pure January, dump the fucker. But otherwise, I don't know where you put this fucking thing.

It's not a summer. No, it's not a festival hit. It's a perfect big spring moves. You could do this in like a marcher in April. before the summer movies got going and it's like here's a big blockbustery movie but it's not like

action packed it's this epic post apocalyptic western thing there's a way that you could have angled it instead of saying hey y'all come out around the holidays like that week between Christmas and New Year and watch a three hours snooze well especially because everyone was gun shy from water world

to begin with you want to bring you want to bring them back into the fold and be like no it's the spring movie what people like about him is the stuff he does when he's being directed by somebody else. Yes, for sure. Like, that's, as a tool, when he does stuff like this, like, you're just like, man, give it a,

but you don't have to suck your dick the whole time. He is sucking. He's sucking his dick, and you're going to watch it for three hours. I have not seen dances with wolves since I was a kid, and I totally didn't get him. He's also sucking his dick in that one. That's the thing, too, is like, I'm the only white guy that knows what to do

with these Native Americans. Oh, I'm the only guy that believes in law around here. Oh, man, are these hidden figures ladies? these ladies need to be able to do math. I'm the only guy that can figure that out. People have pointed out to the similarities in all these movies like Dancers' Wolf like a like a, I don't know if it's a horse or wolf get shot.

Yeah, yeah. It's like Pet Wolf get shot this. His mule get shot in open range. His dog gets shot. It's all like paint by numbers. He's got this formula of how to suck his own dick. To be fair, I have never seen open range. I do not know if he's sucking his own dick. See, that's the thing is I'm the most Costner acceptable. and I don't really like it

that I am that way, but I liked Open Range. I only saw it once in theaters when it came out in like 2003 or whatever. You got to give me like a year or so after this before I feel comfortable looking at him again. I think when that happens one year from today, maybe we'll do 3,000

miles to Graceland. Because that is a cost. Yes, yes, yes. Next season's final. If somebody please, one of our fans, please, when we're doing the fucking listener request month, please push field of dreams. That movie is fucking nuts.

It is a ghost. It's awesome in that movie when his fucking daughter is dead because she choked on a hot dog and then a ghost doctor saved. I forgot that. Oh, it's absolutely. Ghosts for Lancaster. Let me tell. Please tell me that someone like pumps her chest and a whole hot dog flies out of her mouth.

Almost. Very close. He doesn't catch it with a hand. It's also great because it's a classic baseball snack that is murdering him. She's like, cheering on the game or whatever and she falls off the rickety bleachers that he built. You fucking asshole. Maybe get the fucking, I don't know, the town zoning guy to check

this out. By me some peanuts. Pretty much. Here's a place to start. You just said the mule. Dead meat donkey, man. This donkey is immediately dead meat. You do it. The second you see this hopeful fuck. Of course. You know, my old friend.

First of all, what is what the Southern accent he's doing in the beginning of the movie, but not for the rest of the film. I didn't even notice that. Radiation poisoning. He's like, come on, Bill. Oh, Bill, we got some TV here, Bill. TV is a big question because when he gets down on the couch and he's playing with the remote and you hear TV, but I think it's just hallucination. He's just hallucinating, but also Steve, he just likes playing characters.

Sure. Yeah, I think he puts on voices just to, like, keep himself interested. Because he's such a great actor. The unnamed postman, we should say. is an actor. We should say he travels town to town once in a while to try to con people out by barely reciting Shakespeare. Dude, it is the, I, you know,

I'm not much of an actor, but I think I could slay those line readings more than this postman, man. I don't think you're baiting the donkey, though. The donkey is a phenomenal Mcduff. I'll tell you this, dude, you get to see a fucking donkey with a sword in its mouth. Pretty awesome.

The donkey is adorable. You know for us, the second. Bill. it's a mule by the way it's a mule I know it's a mule not only do you know the fucking mule is dead you know it's going to be eaten yes exactly it's like well yeah it's me it's gonna happen

everything is meat in this world they should be eating the people that's you know what I was waiting for the turn it didn't happen I was disappointed that's what should be like really weird about the wholeness army is like you know they fucking eat people yes that'd be great that'd be another layer of villainy

it would require a massive like turn from what the book is, because I was reading it a little bit on Wikipedia, and like the author of the book that this is based on was like, this isn't like, you know, your mad max kind of things. This is not exciting. This is not fun.

He wanted it to be. I like this take actually. We have so much of that. Like a hopeful whatever. And I am sorry. There's no hope in the post-apocalypse. That's not what the genre is for. You know what? I do think you can have in the postpac. I think you get positive.

You can try to end on a positive. No. the thing you can't do is spend three hours sucking your own dick. This really cannot happen. That is the one problem. If you cut it down, I think it's only two and a half hours sucking the dick. And then the rest of it is the movie. Is the cleanup.

I mean, I think you point to the hopefulness thing like, because yeah, the Mad Max thing is probably less accurate. Also, like, am I going to turn into some fucking violent warlord in four fucking years? You specifically? Yeah.

No, I'll be dead. But I mean, like, even still like, this has more like, oh, but what if people were more hopeful? That kind of makes sense. But they wouldn't be fucking dancing to adult contemporary music for fucking hours on end.

That's a little too hopeful. Well, remember, you know, the world ended in the beautiful 90s. So you got something to remember that has hope. I think we're like through the looking glass here. It's hard to remember. I feel like we've already lost what they're mourning in a way. Yeah, yeah. yeah I think you're right there

but you know what post apocalypse did give us an all white version of come and get your love so I suppose that is worth it red bones rolling over in their fucking nuclear radiated grave somewhere yeah come back and get him

yeah so he's just he's got his mule friend he's walking around he's talking to the mule he goes to a gas station yeah he sits down with TV and like yeah he hears the Monday night football theme and the days of our lives team I think he's just sort of like

I can sit here with my great brain and remember what TV was. We got everything from, what's he saying? Jesus to Jeopardy. Oh, great. You know what? I'm just thrilled to have Kevin Costner here doing his thing. It's just, you know. There is scope here, though. Like the son, like there's a scene where he's like sitting outside on top of this thing. And there's a mat painting of the horizon with the sign. And there's great stunt work in this movie. It's got a huge scope. Unfortunately, it was used for sucking his. own. That's always the problem we're going to come back to. He gives himself a statue at the end of the movie. Sure does. And I need to know if that is on Kevin Costner's property right now. If he still has that somewhere. If not, if someone else has it, let me know. I'll bid on it. The garage Adam Sandler has it funny people. I bet you Kevin Costner has like 12 of them. Just full with shit like that.

I think it's in that same garage in Jersey where the Falcour puppet is. Well, he was like trying, he was begging the planet Hollywood folk to take. it. They just wouldn't. They're like, dude, I don't, I don't want that. Yeah, I mean, that's, it's going to take a black, you know what? I can get like three tables for what this is going to take up in the dining room, man. Kev, just give me the hat. Give me the postman hat. I'll take the postman hat off your hands. It's so funny, like at the ending when there is that statue and that one guy is like, oh, that was me as the boy. I just wondered, I needed a character to say to him, what you think you're the only fucking kid that gave the postman a letter, you fucking sack of shit. That's what I was doing yelling in my living room because that's one of the dumber parts of this movie.

That was me. Oh, was it? Was it? Rocket science. Just in case you didn't remember, let's replay this scene. One more time. The final shot,

the last thing you see this movie is Kevin Costner's son's fucking face wise. That's the future, Andrew. That's the real post-apocalyptic future right there. Was that his actual son? his entire fucking family is in this. Oh, my God. Isn't the

daughter, the letter carrier that comes that, yeah, yeah, sure is. Now, are all these, like, now Yellowstone cast members? Probably. Probably. I feel like that's another reason to do this now. He's got that Yellowstone hoopla going on. He's leaving this show, the drama. Well, he's doing a

four-part Western epic film. He's doing Western Avatar. He's let him cook. Everyone's fucking sucking James Cameron's dick. Let me get a little nib on Kevin Coffey. Just a little suckle. There's no room. His mouth is fully on it, dude. Where are you going to get in?

I'll work the balls. I'll work the balls. Just a little bit. I'll lick his shirt. Got to get a crowbar. You got to be like a snap intro. Got a crowbar in there and find the space. Sir, can I have your pubs? So sexy postman comes across the town. He's like, I don't know. Bill, that civilization. I don't know

if we want to go in there. Well, he has this, like, yeah, if he's supposed to be this like, romantic. fucking Thespian or whatever he's like now remember animal the number one rule is we avoid society and I was like well are you supposed to be entertaining

the masses or not I think it's a little bit of he tries to avoid society but every so often he has to go in and get some food and get wash that taint a little bit needs a little turn up need a little turn up soup and I mean this the whole so it's 2013

yes so Lord never comes around never becomes big Kanye never puts Yeezes out. Oh, wow. Great. There's some things we're dodging some bullets. I love it, dude. A few bullets. But we're in Utah, I think, at the beginning of the Salt Flats.

Utah. And yeah, we come up on this we come up on this, I guess they're like little townships. Yeah. Yeah. There's still towns. Because remember, not worth Nukin. No. Not worth it. Because, well, that's the other too, though. It's, it's vague.

apocalypse it's like there were bombs there were diseases it was a bad week in the book I believe there were bio weapons as well you have to just pick something and tell me what happened yeah it's very vague of like you hear you hear audio from

like television from fucking decades ago or whatever out of nowhere but it's also like radio and that's confusing too because a lot of it was electricity or do you not have electricity and a lot of it was radio noises and I was like is this a live broadcast What the fuck is happening?

I think, no, I think those are memories. No, I know it's not after watching it, it's confusing. In your point, there's projectors. There is electricity to some degree. There's Christmas lights at the fucking bar that we're hanging out. Listen to that, I think. We're doing gas generators, I think, which is also like, you know, that's finite. And the amount of bullets, we just throw the fuck away.

Yeah. You're making bullets? What's happening there? Yeah, that's true. How's that work? Isn't there like one, I think there's a single line about like saving ammo. Yeah.

And at some point along the way. And I think it's only Costner, like fucking Will Patton apparently does have a bullet factory somewhere on the compound. No, if it's, it's a contractual, if there's a good idea in the movie,

Kevin Costa has to say it. Yeah, that sounds like, wow, good idea, post man. So it's worth noting that we are hearing the voice of a youngish woman

narrating what's going on. Oh, I forgot about that. drops out of the movie. Which is my father. My father was doing this, that and the other thing, you know,

and that's what he was doing. My father was a mediocre actor. He had worked a lot with Lawrence Kastin. And he just roamed the waistline with a nice, good, honestly, great facial hair at the beginning. Oh, yeah.

It's looking phenomenal. Yeah, it looks good. The fact that it gets, it leaves kind of, it saddened me a little bit. You know what's funny? I don't like, I don't like the frog chin.

You can tell, I believe. he was doing that there was the beginning and then when they're holed up at the cab and I think they filmed that at the same time facial hair is exact and back yeah yeah so then she's like

and then later she said oh you shaved again that looks nice well no it doesn't the beard was badass he was better he also has like this sun bleached like dirty blonde hair not too shabby it works out nicely for him so he performs a couple of scenes from Macbeth with the greatest scene partner ever a mule

you do see the horse hold a fake sword in its mouth, which is great. And then one of the funniest, like biggest laughs in the movie is the crazy guy from Die Hard 2 coming up to him like, you're a piece of shit actor. I was like, that's nice.

And this dude just like, and then Kevin Costner responding about like, how much did you pay to get in? So bite me. Society ended like 1998. So then everyone was just saying, bite me for the rest of eternity. What a fucking hell on earth?

We should be stuck with late 90s, slang like that. Absolutely. Here's another good thing about that, Steve. The Simpsons ended. It's a good point. It made me like somebody. It took several plagues, but yeah, finally. It took a nuclear warhead and

a pandemic back to back. Kevin Kossos was, oh man, I just, I remember being in line for lost in space with Matthew. Matt LeBlanc. That was going to be the biggest movie in America. It was going to change our lives. We just never got to see what happened. never got to see the movie come out.

He was watching the coming attractions as the world ended. Matt LeBlanc, Matt LeBlanc, Gary Oldman, I mean, William Hurt, this is an all-star cast, Barry McConnell. How could it have missed? And we'll never know.

It would be great, too, if, like, Will Patton comes out right here because this is all his, like, fucking ravager scumbags come into the town and it'd be great if he's on, like, a bullhorn, like, don't have a cowman. chill out here he comes

will Patton as yeah general fucking Bethlehem cool okay which take two on the name oh no yet again whatever the next name is better I think it's everyone's like that's a fake name he just named himself

the postman's a fake name yeah and he comes in he's like I need the postman smells shit going south immediately he gets his mule tries to get out of there he goes up to the mule he's like it's happening again

And we got to go. The wholenests are here. We do hear about them in the same radio thing. Nathan Holn and the wholenests. And like you can't. We already talked about it, but I'm going to come back to this. I need to see him.

I need to see him. You talk about him too much. Just guess what? Make Will Patton him. Yeah, sure. Be done with it. Yeah. It's supposedly cooler.

And I think in a book, it is cooler if he's dead and he's the second generation. Because in a book, like actually talking about it, you would imagine it, but in a movie you need to see and not tell. Right, because the book is the world building. Yeah, 15 years. No second generation, anything.

If you want that to be the case, it's got to be way farther into the future. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Because like, this dude just published his last book, you know, less than 20 years ago. I think of the book or something is like Holness, whole, Nathan Holgitts like firing squatted or something.

But in this, it's skin cancer, which is that, is that a, is that a radiation thing? Or is that a joke? How would we know because we don't truly know what happened to the planet? Not a joke because sense of humor.

No, there's not much of it here. But we do know they wear orange, which is crazy. That's like, it's like they're trying to look like Von Rick Tofen's flying circus here.

Like, you're like saying, come at me. I mean, I guess if you, that it's a, it's a sign of strength and also like,

hey, when you're hunting, you don't want to shoot your buddies. Like, hey, you're homeless too. Don't shoot me, please.

Yeah, but this movie does accurately. assess that these militias in the woods, the biggest threat to our country. Oh, for sure. And the federal government needs to bring their heel. Also, I just think that they're looking at human trafficking, which I don't know if you're reading about. It's a really big problem.

Oh, yeah. It's happening all the time. You never know. They might take all those babies and make a baby army in the woods. That'll then kill you and your family. So that we do have to stop. I'm glad Mormon Hollywood is finally taking care of this problem for good. the brainworms in the ankle says.

There's some fucking dicey shit here which totally makes sense because this is what would happen if this shit happened. But so like these dudes are taking, Will Patton says, three conscripts from each town and he's looking for men between 15 and 50 of quote, suitable ethnic foundation.

It's a militia in the Pacific Northwest. They're saying that right now. I literally started the whole thing by saying that, but it is just weird to like hear that in this way. I didn't expect this to be coming I didn't expect the N word in this movie but it graces us. I didn't I didn't want or need that but then later when they capture Lorenz Tate

they're just like you postman like you you forgot what the thing was. You know what I mean? It's been three hours and I understand because I did too but you were a racist militia at the beginning of this movie and now you kidnapped a black kid so yeah I you know

it's unsurprising that threads fell to the ground in this movie just some editing please and keep a notice that there is a lion about it is just roaming around got to tell you that shot of that lion in the rain was doing it I think it's pretty

cool fucking shot of a lion in the rain I felt like I was watching the beginning of Wolf of Wall Street yeah if this was like a tight 90 less dick sucking it might be something I would accept like two hours and 10 minutes with this movie sure because even a 47 minute

cut down I would like to see what it looked like. I think I'm alone, but I didn't really feel the runtime as much. Oh, well, we're going to be on disagreement on that one. I'm feeling the runtime right now. Right now I'm

feeling it. Guys, I just think I've been trained by modern movies that put aside four or five hours. Yeah, that's true. Every movie, like Mission Impossible. The Postman, Part 1. What if you call this? The Postman Part 1? I'd be buying a ticket for part 2 if it ever happened. I guess, to be fair, dead

Dead Reckoning is like, what is that? It's the same length as this. 13, 14 minutes shorter? Yeah, because it's 2.48 or something. It's two Oppenheimer trailers shorter than this. I have to say, surprisingly, I didn't really feel it. I stopped kind of at like the 90 minute mark and like, same.

Check through some email, took a shit. You need an intermission with the postman. I will admit that much. I would also like an ending earlier. he gets kidnapped and like yes it's kind of I mean like I do appreciate in a way there's this this movie is vignetti is like you know the first part is like I'm a lonely man second part is I'm part of this crazy army third part fourth part like I kind of like that bit of it but I do think that it's it's it's just too many parts it's booky it's it is very booking in that regard I the part of the movie when he is in the in the fucking cabin with Olivia Williams is like I don't want to be in the man movie anymore. Now. I know you saved my life, but this stew sucks. I'm like, dude, it's been two hours. Get to the rest of it.

And I'll tell you what, you can eliminate the entire winter sequence of that cabin. No one would know. No one would care. Because here's the other thing, too, if you were illustrating passage of time like this, editing is your fucking friend, first of all, hello. But if you're not going to do that, and part of this thing is like this woman is with child. this movie does such a fucking terrible job of telling you that like a bunch of time has passed like she does not get a belly bump

in that movie at long there's not a single hint of a belly bump and it's like if they're sitting through a whole winter like all that winter shit happens and then it cuts and he's like splashing around in a creek because it's springtime she's got to come out that cabin with a fucking belly bump and she does not and that told me right there

I was like you could cut the winter stuff out then. Because if you didn't fucking bother to give her a belly bump and showed the progress of this pregnancy, this whole thing in the winter doesn't matter and you could get right to fucking straight. It was under the sweaters. Don't you know? Don't worry. It was under the sweaters in this movie. Donkey shit, dude. Oh, the poor donkey because he is... It's a mule.

He gets... Does it matter? He's dead. Really quick on the winter thing. He gets shot and that's why we have that time of him healing. But to your point, you could just cut it all out. She can take him to Ford Lincoln, Liquid, Ford Lincoln Mercury. Yeah. And he can be, he could just, yeah. Around the male, the male carries, like, hey, what's that guy doing?

What's that guy? And you're setting that guy. And you're setting that little earlier. He can heal there and then we can just zip along to the next segment of the film. Oh, Zip, not in this movie, my friend. We are clip clopping at best, which I think is quite hilarious because, of course, who is the famous mascot for the postal service, but Mr. Zip himself. And nobody's zipping anywhere in this movie

There's nothing priority about this male Oh excellent It would have to be Mr. Trudge That would be the one So in this sequence he meets Woody played by Brian Wilson from The Wire He's fucking great on that show He's also taking to this camp

Yes this is where Bill the Mule is fucking executed And Eaton And he also meets Giovanni Rivese Straight off the fucking the other sister said I don't know what the fuck They thought this was supposed to be. It's 55% of Giovanni

Rebusy characters have an IQ of under 85. At least more than half, have an IQ under 85. I remembered this movie as a kid and I for somehow I combined Brian Anthony Wilson's character and Giovanni Rabisi's character. The movie should have done that

too. I know because like I worked on a terrible film in Poughkeepsie and I drove Brian Anthony Wilson around for like two months here and there. I mean, I don't think it was on the movie that much, maybe a week. But he's a really nice guy. And from my mind, I was like, I got the, I got the man child from the postman in the back of my car. I was combining their characters. That's unfortunate. It's good you didn't bring that up to him then. No, no, no. But he was a great

man child, sir. He was a fucking sweetheart, a complete delight. And I was just a piece of shit. Not like I was a bad person, but I was a production assistant. He had no right to be that nice to me. And I appreciate that. And the swing of things, you were a piece of shit. I was leading by example because no one should be a dick on the set to anyone. Thank you, yes, except for a lot of other people. But here's the thing. So I just called this character Woody. The only reason I know his name is Woody is because that's what the IMDB told me.

And this is a major fuck you to this movie is we are never addressing characters by name. Like, did you know, Giovanni Rubisi is Bandit 20? No. Neither did I until the IMDB. I wasn't aware there were Bandit. It was, he was originally credited as Dimwood and Bandit. And someone was like, no, it's Bandit 20. I think. But like you have so many characters in this movie and it's like, I don't know what it. It was almost like having like, you know, sort of some sort of like recognition blindness. I was like watching all of these people in this movie and I was like, I don't know who half of them are because none of them have named. And it's cool to not give the postman a name. I think that's a cool idea. That's the thing that we do in fiction a lot. And it's like the lead character. You know, that's the one. That's the fulcrum around everything. He doesn't need a name. Everybody else does though.

everybody I see what you guys are saying this movie needs to be longer so we can establish but you know honestly TV yeah this could be a fucking like AMC show yes it could totally be because here's the thing if you that I'll never want you could put it next to the outlands

and all that that that fucking hell on wheels you could say Hell on wheels General Washington spies all of those shows right right next to yellow stone

thank you for leaving Rubicon out Steve a great fucking show. I would watch the postman TV show. Well, here's the thing. If you did a TV show, I was thinking of this. Like, then you could have, because we love, thank you very much lost, flash and back and forward on television

so much now that like, you could totally do that. You could have like what the fuck was Nathan Hulled up to blah, blah, blah. Like, you could definitely do that. And honestly, it would feel like a richer story. Yeah, but you can't do all this in a

movie. And that's why like you need to cuts, and I'm sorry, again, Warner Brothers, if you have two disastrous test screenings of this movie and the major complaint in both of them is that this shit's way too fucking long, I don't care when fucking dances with Wolves says, cut the movie down. This is why they don't have, that you don't, you're not allowed to have your own editor anymore. You have a team of editors that you talk to with like an MCU movie or any kind of franchise. Like editing is mostly done in like a format. Oh, but MCU movies.

They're like edited before they even get shot, right? Well, they're, that you pre-vis every, like most, yeah, most things. Jesus Christ, that's dystopian. At least, you know, this Costner's got so many fucking faults, but at least that he went for some vision. There's ambition to all of his projects. It's a Kevin Costner movie. It's an ambitious.

It's not good, but it's ambitious. It's an ambitious movie that falls so hard in its face, the skull. Never says it's not ambitious to try to suck your own death. it is incredibly ambitious it takes a lot of skill but think about it takes a lot of flexibility he convinced so many people to let him do it and we all watched it

we did I mean but none of us liked it because this was like probably a flop at the box oh yes it was a famous one over so it's the opening like weekend itself was like five million dollars on a budget of 80 a budget of 80

look how quaint that I know. I believe it. You know, I don't know what 80 million is in today money. 60 of it went to Costner. But probably 160 million. It only wound up domestically grossing like $20.5 million or something like that. Yeah, it's off. Oh, that is bad.

Yeah. So at wholeness's place, we're introduced to it. It's this army and there's eight tenets of the wholeness. And like one is you got to kill or be killed. Two, this, that. And the other got to be bad all the tons. It's a bad guy. I bet thy neighbor's wife.

Oh, that's the 10th commandment. But one of them is, you can, you can challenge me at any time. That's right. It's more loaded than that. Any Klansman may challenge for leadership of the Klan. I was super glad I had subtitles on because I was like, how you spell on that in this movie? It will, Pat, and talk to me. It's a C. We don't want to be sued by the Ku Klux boys.

They're very litigious those guys. you don't want to get sued by the Grand Dragon dude. I love the stupid Shakespeare off we have right here. And it's like, this is the most pretentious dick waggling I've ever seen in a movie. Two dudes just

spitting Billy shakes at each other. They do it best. They make it through the first two pages of wiki quotes of Shakespeare's most well-known fucking quotes. It's fucking so stupid. It's softball city, man. It's all easy stuff. They're not

even doing whole things. No. Like a line. And then, if you say to be or not to be in that competition, you've all immediately lost. Will Patton's men like clapping by by pounding their thighs or whatever and everyone else laughing at the postman's attempts at Shakespeare just because, you know, obviously Bethlehem is the leader. He's got two, uh, Will Patton's got two number twos here. One is like this proto, uh, Shea, uh, what's his face? What's his face, sort of mission impossible. Shay Wigam. Yeah, a proto Shay Wigam, the guy who drops the N word. Rousseau James Rousseau. Oh, good comparison to Shea Wiggum, same kind of

vibe. Shea Wiggin, way better. He's dropping the N-word all the time that's Shay Wagegge. No, he's, no. Oh, I thought that's what you were saying. No, no. And then, and then of course the great, who's been in like, he's in the Friends of Eddie Coil, Joe Santos as this, as Colonel

Getty, the silent guy. Just a great face. It's a great face. Great face. So much character in it. And we learned that his tongue was cut out and his balls were removed for challenging under that law of a and then may challenge the leader of the clan he lost and then he became

that like a lap dog well because he went up against Will Patton and we find out that Will Patton was a salesman so actually this happened before all the postal pocket lip this guy just wanted his sales route and he's like fuck you coffee is for closers I'm cutting your balls off literally the good leads are for people that have balls

it's kind of weird though because like and I get it he's supposed to be like the big mean villain of this movie but dude how can you not beat up Will Patton? Yeah. Like, how could you not like... He's scrappy. It's, no. It's unbelievable that this dude was such a good fighter that he beat this huge fucking Italian dude and then cut his tongue out.

It sounds like someone thinks they could beat Will Patton up. 100% could be... I'll tell you where I'll put my money on. Dude, I'll put money on Minari, Will Patton fucking pop up on the floor with you. We're going to go down to a Minari farm and have you, Andrew and Will Patton fight. I love a dirty fucking fucking. and fight it. You don't bite. I don't say shit. Let's put stuff like this in the, in the, in the ether, like, please, let's do this. We get to get pay per view or something, right?

We get some of that money. Let's call his people, have him fight and true. We could all fight celebrities. Musk and Zuckerberg, jueping and Patton. That's right. That's right. Those billionaire turds can be our opening act. Just keep calling them a cuck or something. That's a good one. So after those, the Shakespeare off, Will Patton's all like, you think you're a pretty smart phala and just punches him out he wakes up to a 35 millimeter print of the sound of music being played and i got to tell you this culture i have seen in my day uh a worse 35 millimeter print of the sound of music than what they screen in this post apocalyptic hells okay now here's a question would you join the wholeness army because listen

for movies they care about film preservation yeah they do i don't see i don't see sheriff kruger from Seinfeld having a bunch of fucking films in the fair point. Dude again, I mean, if it's between oh, hey, we're going to play Universal Soldier or you got to listen to this fucking jam band. Like, I think I'm going to the

Universal Soldier. Yeah, exactly. Of course. And it was nice to see Universal Soldier. But you're not, these are heathens, these wholeness. They don't even fucking respect Universal Soldier. They boo it. They boo the movie and make, they throw rocks at the projection booth until he puts sound of music. I think a disgusting savage.

It's a fun, you expect these guys to love Universal Soldier, but no, they're soft on the inside. Nothing about that is funny. It also shows that their hearts can be thawed, and we might see something like that in three hours time. If somebody could successfully scrap with Will Patton, perhaps they might be able to be changed. And this is what we made you have under Bisi,

who is, like we said, I don't know, plays a boy. He's just doing his thing. He's just doing it. He's fucking doing it. And he's, like, screaming and yelling. And, like, by the way, at this point, they're like, hey, Kevin Cash, hey, the postman. You're not the postman yet. You're just shake.

We're called you Shakespeare. Hey, Shakespeare. What, the mule stew? And like, in a post-apocalyptic situation, I haven't eaten in four days. All I could say is I really hope I would eat my own pet. I would really hope. Yeah. I would like to say that I would.

You still do it, right? I would like to say that I would. You totally would. I would. I would. Yeah. Oh, we would all feel terrible. but we're eating the fucking, yeah.

Here's how you know that this fucking postman or soon to be postman, he's still Shakespeare right now is the hero of the movie, the bravest dude in the camp, one of the greatest human beings you'll ever meet in your life. I agree. Because they pull this shit where it's like,

if you're last in line to get your food, you must not be that hungry, so fucking get sucking. And like, they don't let Juvenor BC eat. You're eating come tonight. Yeah, well, he wishes. And then like, He's pissing and moaning, like, oh, geez, you know, I was, you're going to, and then, like, all you see is this hand come down from the top bunk offering his bowl of food to this poor Slav person. Not unlike Jesus Jesus Christ.

Yes, it's true. The man himself. That's right. The brutality of this army, like, you're just, you're, you're, you'd be fostering mutinies right and left. People would be challenged. Yes. You can't, you, the last person. can't eat. It's the rules

are way too hard to maintain any morale. Yep, absolutely. You like, you need to like keep these dudes like wanting to be maybe with a half ration or something like that. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you you see these fruits not come to pass because of how Ribisi eventually turns

on him. Right. You should get more donkey. We get like this first training day where it's like, you're jogging with full packs on and I'm like, Oh, good. It's a fucking boot camp sequence. Bet this will be as good as full metal jacket. Oh, boy.

Twice as long. They should have hit Kevin Costa with soap. But then again, I guess there's no soap in the future. Yeah, that's true. You just have to put rocks in your socks. Oh, rocks and towels. That's nice. Sweet mother of Christ, Eric, the smell in this world.

Oh, yeah. They would be so complex and dang. Yeah, be shit worlds. Yeah. That water world. You would just be throwing up everywhere. It's like, I'm almost doing that now, Chris. Well, because of the heat.

the shit world right now. Everything smells. You can't go anywhere in this fucking fall. I think in the least the beginning of this, right? But, you know, it's a little more potent because everyone everyone's not bathing anymore. That is true. It is true. At a certain point. Not that they do now either.

James Russo goes up to Eric's friend Brian Anthony Wilson. Wilson drops the end bomb on him. He's like, I don't know what the general things, but I know that you're. And it's like, all right. Just. super 1,000% not for this movie. No, it's just

not because you don't you don't build on that at all. It just, that's literally the end of... We're not doing American History X here. I mean, neither nor should we, but if you're doing it, do it. Not now, but Andrew, wouldn't you get... You might think Idaho's a good guy if he doesn't say that. See, that you might get confused.

And that's a problem. That's another guy. That's another guy. There's Idaho. You call them that because you looked on IMDB. They don't fucking address this asshole by name Once in this movie It's so bad So then we're doing Will Patton's playing fascist musical chairs Where it's like

All right everybody take a seat And all these fucking idiots go to sit on these stumps And there's not enough stumps for everybody And then he does this like It's like some like dickhead dad Coach in a soccer team Yeah Well I just told you to sit

I didn't say where Or what to sit on you didn't sit You disobeyed in order Oh that's right And then this dude gets fucking strung up like Mussolini and Will Patton

cuts his throat with his sword Yeah And of course It's not This this tells Like too harsh This is a scene

That could have happened And could have been done Minute maybe Like this It goes on for four To five minutes Of Will Pat And be like

Well Hababab daiba Dibba Point that was going To be made Bapa Habibaba hubidabba Chris

Let him cook Sure and this is just redundant with the rabisi point too right do one don't do all yes that's very fair because this isn't it's not like we're going to stay with the militia the whole time we're about to leave the militia forever actually it's like a choose your own adventure novel

but you're reading every single adventure and also one of the good things about having the run be the first thing with the packs and everything is that you do get to see the camp it shows you around it's an interesting way the production design of this camp I thought was really great. It's pretty good.

It's really expensive. It is fucking hilarious, though, because any fellow or lady in the theater seeing this movie who worked for the Xerox Corporation led out a big, hey, right at this part. Because so Kevin Costner's brought up to Will Patton's office and it's very much like the last castle, right? Everything is shitty except his office is beautiful. There's bookshelves and he's painting a self-portrait of himself. That sucks. the postman is right when he calls him a shitty painter at the end of the movie

but like they're talking and he's like yeah in a previous life I was a copy machine repair man can you imagine what a wasted life that is all these people working for like Xerox

or Canon just like oh oh oh oh oh oh sorry they had to hear the truth sorry I'm not a fucking racist general you asshole and like you know so Kevin Costner you know gets a earful from this

guy and then he gets put back in the pen and he starts floating the idea, uh, you know, of escape to, to Woody and Rabisi's character. And Rabisi immediately fucking narcs on this guy. Yes. That's fucked up. He's an idiot. Like it would be, again, like, and also you know immediately then like, oh, well, he's dead. Like, yeah. It's just like, well, this is, this is not here for long. Uh, so like Kevin Koster's first big test here with these guys is there's, there's a lion out on the prowl. And he's apparently taken out a couple of the guys. I like the line that's like

ha, must have been a zoo back here before the war. I don't know what's laughing for some reason? Because everything this dude says is hilarious to God. Or they'll be killed. I'm just going to assume that's racist too. And so it's like, all right, he's tasked with going out. He's got to find the lion

and bring back like the dude that got attacked or whatever. And it's like, here's this Russo guy he's about to take the gun and give it to him. Will Patton's like I don't think so and throws this knife like down from the guard tower and it's

like that's all he has to go find this lion. Wouldn't you know it? He finds this fucking dead body in two seconds. He's got to go cross like a temple of doom bridge. Yeah. And he finds the body and he's bringing it back over this bridge and they're like come on let's keep going motherfucker and

you still got a lion to hunt because you're going to make him fight the lion after this. And this I thought was pretty rad. He sees like part of the bridge is fucked up and there's just like a single rickety board and he stamps through it and falls into the river with this corpse alongside him which is great.

And this was Primo dummy photography. Oh yeah. Well, this is like when Homer Simpson tried to get out of exercise and does like the fake he fix his own death with the dummy. Oh my God. If he gets sucked into those turbines

have he killed. I didn't kill the lion. I don't. don't care. So, you know, he drops down into the river. We get some good Kevin Kossner actually doing these stunts and swimming down the river. And all these

dudes like futilely shooting at the water trying to get up. Tommy Lee Jones and the whole gang are going up water trying to find him. Absolutely. Joey pants. Hundreds of bullets just thrown away in the garbage. It's so stupid. Now I want you to check everything. I want you check every dilapidated house,

dilapidated house, dilapidated house, dilapidated house. Or a Abandoned post office, but mostly dilapidated house. Trees. Trees. Trees. Caves and trees. That, oh, so this dude Woody is assigned to go

chase after him. He gets thrown into the water too. Along with the Russo guy, which I didn't think made sense. I was confused. They're not like handcuffed. Like, why did that dude risk his life in that way as like, you know, the number two or the number three of this

last army? He wants to see the show. He thinks he's going to watch this guy die. So I think he wants to go see the show. I mean, it is a bit weird, but it's also like, wait a second, the guy that wanted to escape just left. And the guy that told me that. Yeah. And the other guy also is leaving. Maybe I should follow up on this. The smart one. That's he's the smart one there. And the first person to come upon Costner is Givada or BC. And he kind of gets, no, it's, he gets the death that, um, uh, Adam Goldberg gets in saving private Ryan. Not the death of Giovanni Bruce again. Just the knife in the heart.

Right. Oh, yeah. Which is kind of great and kind of awesome for this character because nobody likes a rat. Dude. No, no. Yeah. He's got me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, he gave him a lot of outs. He didn't have to be like this. You didn't see me. And then the Woody is just like

because like let's escape together and then like Russo's like now I go get him. And he's like I guess I'll just give up my life for this dude because like there's such a better way to take down this guy. Wouldn't you do the same for Jesus Christ? That's true. I mean, if you met

Jesus Christ in the wild, the magnetism of him. Wow. Right. And if there was a Roman centurion behind him, you'd perhaps chuck your knife at him and then die. Then just like get shot in the heart. And they throw, he throws the knife. I do like the accuracy of the knife

throw into the arm. That's pretty cool. It's nice. Not too shabby. He says something like, I won't have a heart. on my back or something after being called Boyd twice. Yes, that's also he's pushing it too hard. And so, yeah, he just like falls on this guy, but I was

just like, what a waste. I was so thrilled for Brian Wilson to be like his number two in this movie and they're going around and do. Because also the other thing too is like, I had no idea what this movie was about. I knew that it was called the postman. He was dressed up as a postman and

it was the post-apocalypse. I didn't know it was like this. I'm selling a town a bill of goods by pretending to be a post off of postal employee. He's a fucking lying piece of shit. I had no idea about any of that. And I didn't know that he was like this lone journeyman kind of dude. So I was like so pumped and this

dude just gets murdered immediately. Well, you see, Andrew, by playing a role, sometimes it might seem silly but you can actually change the winds of a nation if you are to take it seriously and do it the right way. Cut the winds of a nation.

They also can do that. You can also fart the Nation. Fart the nation this Sunday on CBS warnings. So he escapes and there's a storm going on. It's like really cold. He comes across the postal truck and it's amazing because it's just Kevin Koster

doing Tim Allen noise. He's like, Roar, roar, roar, roar. He becomes a caveman because he finds a lighter and he's like, oh, warm. Meanwhile, there's this like, I thought he was going to eat it. There's this pristine skeleton all dressed up like, well,

Welcome to the Skeleton car. Dude, best guest appearance in this movie is the Skeleton League coming in right here. He looks great. He's talking to this skeleton and this is what I realized. And the movie, neither rain nor brimstone, no. The movie is inundated with this shit and it's worse than anything you could imagine. And I don't know that I'd ever really encountered this in any of it. Well, no, I guess that's not true.

But like Kevin Costner doing comedy like this is poison. It's so bad. He's reading the letters. He's all like, oh, John or whoever is getting their contractor license. Oh, yeah. Isn't that charming? Don't you just want to sit here and listen to him alone for fucking two

hours? Also breaking the law, just reading other people's mail. What's also, here's something you cut out of the movie. Him staring at a child's tooth. Someone had males. Haunted. Staring at it, handling it. But I guess that's like this is the children in their future.

Give the tooth to me. It means nothing to you. It is another skeleton. It is part of a skeleton. I'm nothing but teeth. Teeth are currency in my world. I think teeth are I was made out of them. The bones are our money.

So are the worms. You may have my old postal carrier uniform and my old poster carrier bag. But no, the teeth stays with me. One tooth, second by a whole pint of gloom. you know what? Skeleton should be alive in this world. I'm fine with it.

I'll try anything with this fucking movie. Just throw it at the wall, dude. Two things, well, he does eventually tell Olivia Williams about what happened and he's like, and it is an L-O-L line. He's like, I got this costume off of a skeleton. He calls it a skeleton. He says skeleton out loud.

That made me. me laugh. But there isn't actually, which should be in this movie, because he takes the costume and then like, you know, he goes to wherever the next town is and he tries to gain entry as a postman. Yes. And you know, and then the movie starts, really

an hour and 15 minutes in. Pineview. Yes, with Sheriff Kruger from Seinfeld. And like he sell, and everyone finds hope and what he sells and all this stuff. But in every movie like this, there needs to be the scene where it's like it was all a lie. Yep. And like, that never happened.

Somehow that never happens in this movie. Because his one flaw was also the best flaw than a man can have. You understand because he had hope. God. It's also like, does it matter? No, because it's like inspiring hope. Sure.

It's like, if we're doing that anyway, it doesn't matter if it's real. Because it's like this world is such garbage. Does it matter if I die trying to deliver a letter? Or does it matter if I die because I'm conscripted into the wholeness army? And hey, by happy accident, Steve, you might just give birth to marriage to her.

Masterson and she might be in charge of an interstellar future world where all things are fine. I don't think it's an interstellar future world. We do finally at the end of the movie, we're jumping around, but that's fine because we're probably not going to go. It's like 2047, isn't it? 2043 and it's

finally 1998 again. We can be fucking happy. It's exactly 1990. There's like a 1998 Honda out there. It's beautiful. So hold on for... So hold on for 20 more years to every folks. We're fine. Yes, because this This is a, this is seriously a more, a better future than we could ever dream of having for ourselves.

If it was 1998 again in a few years, but we'll never get back there. I don't think so. Now that we have dedicated the postman statue of my father, let us all now join hands while we listen to a rendition of New America's national anthem. Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play. Well, it's got to be a folk band doing it, a mandolin on that. And then I'd be there being like, it was all worth it. It was all worth it. All that glitters is gold.

Oh, he cuts to Kevin Costner. He's still alive for some reason. He cuts to him and looks off and he's like, only one statue. What's funny is that? Couldn't they have done a series of them throughout the land? That statue is like a memorial to him. But doing the math, his character, and this is born in 1979.

Yeah. He's like 70, I think. Yeah, he's about 70 when he dies. Yes. But Costner was born in 55. It's interesting that like, I mean, to make it work that he's like 40 in 2013, it makes sense. But there's a lot of signifies like that throughout the movie, which is

interesting. Like you see an old man later and it doesn't, I feel like this movie's not effective as it was when it came out because this old guy who's a veteran was like Oh, Terrence Malik. Yes. Yes. Yes, the director, Teres Fowl. I fought in Vietnam, and he's like, an old man.

And that would affect you in the audience at the time because you're like, but I, but I did and I'm not old. Yeah. But I survived to Kevin Costner's apocalypse. Oh, thank God. I just think some of those age signifiers are kind of interesting. And I don't think they work anymore. I think they worked in the 90s.

Yeah. They're popular in the 90s. That part's kind of interesting, but it's sort of like, I don't know, like Kevin Costner, the character in this movie is old enough to have known what the Vietnam War was and for this guy to be like, yep, this purdy lady gave me this tattoo in a little place and a little village called Saigon.

And I'm like, just say you were in Vietnam. The highest is biggest saucer sting. Man, oh man. A lot of stuff going on. We take everything for a walk in this movie. It's quite a lot. Why use one line when seven will do? So he winds up going, he's at this town and Von Bargans like, get the fuck out of here.

I'm going to blow your head off. He's like, but I'm bringing the mail. Dude, it's awesome because he's like, who the hell are you? Blah, blah, blah, he just goes, I'm your postman. And that's like one of how many times are we saying the title in this movie turned out at least about three dozen. And he's got five seconds to, to, you know, get the hell out of there. But he's calling out random names in his letter, satchel. And wouldn't you know it?

One of them is for I read. Mitchell. March. Even better. Yes. Did he say my name? That's very fortunate. It's also fortunate that the clothes fit at all. Yes. What if it didn't? Great. Well, they had Taylor survived, Eric. Right. They take the pants in.

Because I think the mailman that Parrish dude was none other than beloved postal service employee Cliff Clavin. That's right. Or Wayne Knight, obviously. Oh, sure. Absolutely. He was way out there because he was trying to take a bunch of cans to redeem them in Idaho. Exactly. I don't know how they never made a

Newman watching the Postman joke. The show was still on the end when this movie came out. Instead of making out during Schindler's list, how could you make out during the Postman? Oh, that's true. It's riveting. How could you take your eyes off the screen, Jerry? What do you mean you didn't like, dear God? Oh, okay.

I will say this is a better postal movie than Dear God. Postal is a better postal movie Oh my god I don't know about that I don't know about that So he gets you know Because he delivered the letter

We also meet Peggy Lipton Who by the way I'm like Oh so that's the love interest Sure Because she's like My mother is blind You say you helped her so much And I'm like

You made her feel like she could see again Yeah yeah got any food What about you But like 10 years younger in British That's it that's the one I don't know how Kevin Coster's character turning down Peggy Lipton in this movie. He's going to have had them all.

Also, I'm going to need you to, I don't know how to say this. Could you play up the breeding thing? Well, this is, so he gets a nice shave, which I don't consider it a nice shave. I don't, I don't consider it a nice shave, honestly. Keep that beard. And he goes, this is what we meet Lorenz Tate as Ford Mercury Lincoln, who is this scrappy kid that is just enamored with this postman. enamored with him

because I think it's a thing where Lorenz Tate like as his character is just like here's a dude from the outside he's got this like lived life or whatever take me with you I'm the only black guy in this town this place fucking if I have to hear fucking mother love bone

one more fucking time to kill myself what can you do to get me out of here I think like when the wholeness army comes he just has to hide he can't ever get conscripted because of his race this is this is a guy that offers some kind of hope, I get, you know, I mean, that's the point of the movie. Well, yeah, yeah.

But so he goes into the food hall and everyone starts asking him questions. This is when he starts really laying it on like, oh, no, I'm part of the, the reunified United States and we're coming back and we've got a president. President Richard Starkey. And he's got

a saying, it's getting better all the time. They stop from saying all the time. And it killed me because, of course, Richard Starkey, that's Ringo Stars. name. That's what we do. Also, someone should be, some old guy in the bed, the Vietnam guy, fucking bullshit, man. Yep, exactly, dude. It's like, oh, Ringo's son become president? What? Like, it's so

crazy that, like, Kevin Costner's character would know to make that reference, but none of the other old timers around are like, yeah, do you say Ringo stars, the new president of United States? You know what? You're right. There should be a yesterday like ending to this. Or the two people who figured it out are just there like, we know he's not the president. That's Ringo Starr you're talking about. You know what? Eric, Chris just did it.

I would rather watch the postman again than yesterday. I agree. I would absolutely. Absolutely. Even though this movie is like twice the length of yesterday, I don't give a fuck that. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't have it.

Disgusting. Disgusting that movie. Yeah, yeah. Piece of shit. Off. I wish the world ended. But yeah. so like and now it's the dance

you know what I mean he said a bunch of stuff about you know the new United States we're back dude one of the things that's really funny is before we get the the red bone cover there is this song that we're introduced to like this is how this town lives scene where it's everybody jamming around

and they're just the song is la la la la la la la la and dude this town is going fucking nuts for this and again if this is what society becomes and this is what I am subjected to every day, I'm out. I'm going to walk into the woods, hope a bear fucking finds me. It's all you got. You either have that or you live on the woods and you read it.

I would rather have nothing than hear this song every day. This kind of gibberish lead positivity. I can't take it. So here comes, in comes Olivia Williams. And she's like, oh, hello, postman. Hi. Oh, I'm not British, am I? I'm holding it back. I really. I was cranking the same. sound bar this morning. I could not figure out if she was even trying

to cover up the accent or not. This is pre-Rushmore, right? Yeah, it's like the year before. Yeah, the year before I think. Rushmore is 98, I think. Yes, that's right. But, well, you know, the problem is is that you're hearing too much.

La La La La La La La La La. Yeah, we love life even though it sucks. And she's like, you know, she starts to ask them all these questions. Like, how is it back east? How tall are you? Are you smart? And dude, before she even got to the in my notes,

I just wrote, is she sizing this guy up for procreation or just fucking? And then immediately after these little sausage fingies finish typing that note, she just says, which I think is the line of the movie. So as far as you know, you have good semen. It's so insane because it's also like her, her husband had a bad case of the mumps of bad mumps the bad mumps so therefore his semen is terrible and i need your semen yes did you guys see the trivia for this scene apparently dirt here i'll read it to you

uh here it during the scene where the postman is asked by the childless couple to impregnate the wife the musicians in the scene are playing a song by the loving spoonful who purportedly took their name from the fact that the average amount of ejaculate is about a spoonful yeah wow uh kevin costner Amy Grant recorded a version of it for this movie. Yeah, it plays in the movie. Here's the thing. The Olivia Bloom's bit is kind of, because he fucks her. You know what

mean? He fucks her for that reason. Sure does. If we have to, we have to. Excuse me. He says no at first, but once she shows him the goods. Yes, he's ready to go. He's ready to go right there once she disrobes. But it'll be cool if she isn't his love interest. If literally

this thing comes to pass, where he's just what she calls him the body father. You know what I mean? And the other the dude, the husband is just like this hunk beefcake kid who winds up being on the office for like five and a half minutes. But that's the only thing I've ever seen him in it.

I just watched an episode of Star Trek Voyager with him at one point. Like recently this dude, this dude was in like my IMDB viewing history. That's hilarious. No, he's not Roy. That's some other. In the office he's in the second season when they split up where there's the Stanford office and

the regular office. He runs. that he's like the good Michael Scott version like he's like the handsome smart boss I don't remember that I just saw this guy had a blockhead and the other guy had a block but if that's the thing and like he does this thing and then maybe he dies

and it's like that's my legacy as I gave this couple this kid that would be cool like and then maybe he fucks Peggy Lipton or whatever else like that's if you want to keep this dude like knee deep and it's sure but I just I think it's a better idea to actually fulfill this thing as opposed to like A, she gets pregnant,

that should be like three seconds later that dude is fucking dead. Oh, yeah. The other thing. May I just throw this out there? Society has not yet rebuilt itself to the point where we need to be making more fucking people. All right?

This whole like, we're so excited about getting pregnant. We just want to get pregnant right now. It's like, lady, you're fucking shitting in a pot and then throwing it in the woods. But her kid might be the bright one to invent plumbing.

See, you'd be definitely starting a splinter cell. Like, I could see the no-birthers. The wrapping it up close. But Andrew, that's all we have left is to but to procreate. Yeah. I bet there's a bunch of fucking books you never got to. Also, all the wholeness, they completely burned the entire stock condoms. We don't got any.

They're going on. Well, you know, God. I don't believe in that shit. God wants you to have so many goddamn children. Is it true? So many children. And some get traffic. That's a problem. It's a good point to bring up there, Eric. But Steve, what you were saying, like, it would be nice if that happens. But you know, by the way they shoot the sex scene that it's like, because it's like love making. And she, and she's rocking on him. Oh, yeah. She's having fun. She might as well come by saying, you're so much bigger than Michael. I think I counted three goes. Uh-huh. In this scene. He's fucking laying down in the bed and he's.

like sweating and he's trying to catch his breath and she fucking mounts him again and she's really trying to get her money's worth here. This scene is very passionate. You get the orchestra like going like crescendoing. James Nguyen Howard is losing his mind in this scene. It's amazing. Dude he's going for it. James Nude

scene Howard over here. So some old fart points him toward the abandoned post office. This is kind of hilarious this dude's like, he he he what you're looking for is right over there. And this guy's like, Kastner's like, this old crone, what a

whack job. And then he looks like, oh, he's pointing me to the post office. Oh, I forgot him, the postman. Also, there's this pristine post office. A, no one's sleeping in it. Shocking. The letters, I would go through all the letters anyway, just for fuck to, or the packages, maybe there's the food. Why wouldn't you?

Like, what the fuck? Or burn them for kindling. It's not the library of Alexander for fucking Christ's sake. It's a couple of letters. And it's been fucking 20 years. Like, everybody's dead anyway. Who gives a shit? And this is when Lorenz Tate comes up and is like, can you swear me

in to be a postman? There's kind of, I mean, this is so stupid but there is kind of the funny part. I was amused at this one line where he's like, oh, only a, you can't just sign up. Only a postman can make you a postman. Lorenz take his, oh, what,

like vampires? It's like that's something for this to be. Bring on the vamps. That's a cool idea. vampires. Again, try it. Anything. You want it dinosaurs, sure. And this is like Van Bargan, the great Daniel Van Bargain, by the way. On his 90s hot streak just comes up to him and he's like,

I don't know what you're doing. I don't know who you are, but you're going to get the fuck out of here in the morning. Right now you've only cost me like two bowls of soup, but a few broken hearts. Yep. I want you out of here. Yes, the broken hearts thing that gives him carte blanche. Yes. Do all of his pumping into that later. Absolutely. Because he fucks her after. that. But then later in the movie, Von Bargain is giving up his life for this asshole. And I don't. No, no, no. Because he's so inspired by this drifter. Because he fully comes around later in the movie. When he comes back with mail from his sister who he thought was dead.

So he becomes a true believer then. It is kind of the great Von Bargain delivery, though, where I just pictured Mr. Kruger when he goes, wow, I got a letter for my sister. thought she was dead I just pictured him saying that to Jason Alexander anyway what's for lunch what do you think Coco the monkey

let me read this fine letter we are starving goodbye signed Lisa took a bath on that you don't look like a T-bone we're going to start calling you the postman I love Von Bargan

he's so fucking great man he was fantastic as like the devil yes old brother or Arthur basically. Oh, God. That's right. Right. They reflect the fire in them. Yeah. He's also very funny on Malcolm in the middle. He's like

the boarding school like headmaster or whatever. And he's the other guy from thinner. The guy turns to do a lizard or whatever. Turn to gun! Yes. Lizard. And Phoebeon. So she kicks it. They kick him out. But like

everyone has their letters for him. And he's like, oh, come back at a couple of months, I guess, in Von Bargans. Like I hope you fucking ground. Dude, he goes like, uh, Von Barker, like this dude's like riding out of town, Ben, Bon Barkin's like, hey, how do I know you're not full of shit or something like that? And he goes,

if I come back carrying mail, you'll have your answer. I'm like, all right. Tough guy. That's going to be another two hours, you say. Oh, dude. And then this was, this is Kevin Costner fucking flag pin on your lapel bullshit. He's riding out of town. And this

Oh, dude, shut the fuck up. They started singing America the beautiful. Oh, stupid. I was screaming in my house. I mean, like, that's the thing is that you are. That's one of his daughters too, right? Cut it out. Is it?

I think that's one of his daughters. You've already got the James Newton Howard score telling you this man is Jesus incarnate. Yeah. And that America is beautiful and only good things. And we've never done anything wrong. That's it. Constantly. Yes, we already have an American.

American Jesus. His name was Joseph Smith. Okay? So fucking, you know, cut it out. Fucking smarts to run that fucker out of town. That's actually you know, in all seriousness, there was a post-apocalyptic event in America. You survive it. You're speaking Mormon now, buddy.

They are going to be breeding like fucking cockerel. They already are. They already are. Just five minutes, 10 minutes ago on the train, some some Mormon kid came and me asking if I was going to church on Sunday. Was it in this neighborhood? I see those kids all the time And kids, they're like in their 20s

And they're walking around They got their dumb name tag And the tie and everything And it's fucking hilarious Because like all the time They just cluelessly walk around Like are we gonna see you at church on something? And it's dude, it's such great people watching

You just see the people in this neighborhood Looking at them and the responses are always like What the fuck do you think? Or just like laughing at them? It's brilliant. Like here's the thing. Do what you want to do. Mind your own fucking business about it.

And don't bother me at the bodega. I'm just trying to buy beer and go home. The Holn folks come in right after. And the whole town's a buzz about the postman this and the postman that. We're flying the, you shouldn't be flying that flag. You should know better. Yeah.

Lorenz Tate is like scrubbing this post office with a sponge. And I'm like, oh, you're too excited about this. This is really stupid. But yeah, it's like, who's flying this? that flag. I go to post office now and say this. Who is responsible for that? Why isn't the wholenest flag up? Which is just an orange bandana or something. They make this dude Michael, who is

Abby's broken dick husband. Oh boy. Take this flag down and set it on fire. And dude, when I tell you, again, this is the fucking James Nudecene Howard score here. the swell went oh and the flames touch the flag and like the movie

starts crying and I start laughing it is correct it's just bullshit yeah and Von Bargan is hiding Lorenz Tate because for all sorts of reasons

we're only gonna refer to half of them though there's a fucked up thing here and it's never really explained why Von Bargan refuses to call Lorenz Tate by Buick Ford

or Ford Mercury Buick Ford Lincoln Mercury Jesus Christ just dumb but that's what the dude wants to be called because he liked he wanted to learn out of drive and he lives in the fucking gas station

sure great amazing I'm just letting folks know someone didn't watch the movie this fucking guy is like calling him John the Holtz it's John this and John that and like his real name it's a completely

unexplored thing nobody which thank you prestige TV show. We can have a whole TV episode about it. I can't wait. I cannot wait. Me and five other dads are not a dad, but I'll hang out with them. Would watch that. Stars, you're looking for stuff. Here you go. Coming up after the game, we got the postman starring. I don't even know what Skeet Ulrich, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. They're trying the postman again, huh? I think I did ad reads the first time they did this.

Is that a remake of Il Postino, the Italian romance, or is that the stupid one? You wish, motherfucker, it's the dumb one. And it's even worse because Skeet Ulrich is involved. Coming up after the game, the dumb one. And of course, the villain in the series is played by, you guessed it, Skeed O'Rick. Actually, and I got no beef with Ulrich. No, of question. I think, wasn't that show Jericho?

a skiloric post-apocalyptic And he was telling people stuff He was trying to communicate And oh was he prophesizing and whatnot Well he's starting to bring people together I never watched it because it sounded Christian It was a little bit Vigley

So Will Patton famously screams There is no United States of America Burn down that post office And then he's hanging out After burning the flag that is a prime piece of ass. Oh, right. Gentlemen, that is a, what do you have?

First rate prime piece of ace. And I'm like, piece of ass stuck around in this post. I want John said to us to like hand him a note. It's like, what's this note to say? Oh, I would have enjoyed that, but you cut my balls off tenure.

Yeah, I know, I know, I just, I get it. That guy should communicate through cute notes. Yeah, absolutely. I would love that. See, again, if we had a long TV season, we could really explore those notes. Or is like writing, responses on a chalkboard and

like talking to people. On the season finale of the postman, you're going to find out who's been leaving the postman notes. Might be the guy that's been communicating with notes all season. Maybe it's in Bethlehem's backyard. We'll find out Sunday

night. And we're also coming up a prequel series to the postman Bethlehem's beat farm coming up. But so like he not only I think what you're the husband Michael comes up to like hey

that's my wife actually she's a married woman yeah well because would you kill me sir Will Patton is like yeah you need to like say it's cool man yeah I can't give my blessing for this for you to like kidnap

and rape my wife what we live under is a feudal system and we have lords and vassals that's me and you that's right I'm enacting prima nocturnal Yes, exactly. Well, he's like, yeah, because he's like, you know, in this society, I am obliged to sleep with the bride.

And this dude pulls a great line. He's like, well, I don't know what to tell you, man. We actually got married three years ago. We don't really call her the bride anymore. And he's like, well, I wasn't invited to the ceremony. I'm like, whatever he says. Oh, God. So, yeah, he tries to take this lady and this dude, like, steps up and tries to, you know,

defend his wife's honor. And he's murdered immediately. stabbed in the heart. That's right. Nice and quick. Run right through. And then like, he's like interrogating Kruger there. And it's just like, what is happening in this town? There's something going on. And he, he says like, there was a guy.

It was a post. Called himself the postman that he represented the restored United States. And it's like, which way did he ride? He rode east. All right. Send three patrols south, northwest, and one east. They better find him east. Yes. Which is, I thought that was a pretty cool. one. And meanwhile, Ford here rides off to go deliver his own mail

now and that's the last you see of Lorenz Tate for about an hour and 30 minutes. Don't worry. He'll be back in this movie. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. The next movie will tell you what happened. So then we get to Benning, Oregon, and he's delivering mail to this town. And this is, like, so he has to keep giving like bullshit lies because everybody's asking him like about society or whatever. And in this town is where he goes,

he's like, oh yeah, no, I was in New York, it's back. Broadway's back up and running. They're doing a new musical by Andrew Floyd Weber. No, thank you. And then the mayor of the town played by George Winter

from Spaceball's, Colonel Sanders, who you might have heard last week on our American Pie 2 episode. Camp counselor. But trombone. No idea. This was not, we didn't plan on this retrospective for this The Wiener Sants. Small time act, mid-tier actor.

And I'm a little annoyed because not to jump too far ahead, but he gets brutally murdered. Yes. But we're cutting away. And I'm like, I've never, this is an actor like, I've never seen this guy get brutally murdered. It's like, come on. You know what I was going to see Colonel Sanders get shot in the heart. I need to see more people brutally murdered than I have not seen before. But you know that that's not this movie because the fucking, the one time you absolutely would use it is when he strings that guy.

up and like is going to show his brutality and they just like he goes up puts a knife there and it's like would somebody cut please thank you but this this should be the end of the postman because he could see what he has wrought here yes the army shows up looking for him looking for everything and he's just like coming up with a plan for the mayor like tell him you'll give him three times the supplies he's like okay yeah that's a good idea well since you're representative of the government why don't you go and tell him. And here's my cue. Because the editing is just non-existent

and abysmal in this movie. It's like constructed so poorly. I have no clue how much time has passed. Why does Will Patton not recognize this guy? I guess because he's shaved at the very least. But even no way. Clark Kent syndrome.

It's so dumb. When he goes like, do I know you? And I was like, didn't you just see him? yesterday? What fucking day is it? Andrew, to be fair, he sees so many new people all the time. That's true. That's true. He's a recruiter. Yeah, people coming in his office.

He sees dozens and dozens of people. No, none of this is acceptable. Absolutely fucking none of what you're saying is acceptable. Later in the movie, we find out he, uh, Kossner even has the mark of eight. Did we even see him get it? Nope. I don't know. That's amazing. I thought I just knotted off or something. You saw Woody get it. There's a

scene. It's like looking down from way high up and he's like laid out on a table. and you see that dude get it. You do not see Kevin Costner get the fucking Mark. Which is bizarre. And that confuses me more because like for a moment when that, because it is not really revealed until he has the fight with Will Patton at the end. And there like for a minute,

I was like, oh wait, is he saying that like he was with Nathan Holman like right at the beginning? And he had got like he was. That like that would at least be interesting. Sure. That lends a little more complexity to him. I've known more about this organization than you ever did Will Patton.

Somehow, in the three hours, they couldn't understand to explain the fucking big inch point on their climax. And so he's lying to Will Patton's face. And he's like, yes, I am a representative from the newly reformed United States. The new capital is in Minneapolis. He's like, and Will Patton's like, I saw the White House burn. And he's just like, yeah, well, now it's the government exists where the Vikings used to play. Which is kind of funny. But it's also like Will Patton's like, oh, you're a little fool.

funny fucker aren't you shit fucking funny and I would be like I it could totally be true out of that's not a joke and it's like our postman this is what you wrought and then yeah he starts murdering the whole town oh yeah and yeah this is like we kill Colonel Sanders kind of way yeah I'm sorry I had to go back I'm sorry

at least there you know we see some of the budget on the screen here this town is getting destroyed by cannon fire but could you imagine if like Mel Brooks say is in the new Quentin Tarantino movie yeah and so far's so good he gets fucking like brutally murdered in it I'm liking this.

You'd be like, holy shit, that's awesome. You'd be like, I never thought I'd expect. Mel Brooks's head to get blown off in a movie. Not in real life, of course, it's a treasure. But like in a movie, like squibs and all, like going crazy. It's kind of like you never saw Danny DeVito get the shippie out of him. Exactly. You watched Ellie Confidential.

And then you're like, oh, that's what that looks like. What are I'm into it? What are some other actors we could watch die? That's a great question. There's a lot. Who's famously never getting fucking jacked in a movie? Well, you know, the funny thing, like, when the fuck was the last time Tom Cruise died on the screen? Was it Valcary?

But that whole movie's about a suicide mission, so I think that doesn't count. Yeah. But he's like a dude that kind of- Dwayne Johnson refuses to die on the screen. You know, someone could just do a, Dwayne Johnson would be great. Oh, so good. Like this ripping him apart. Yeah, like, a horse runs over.

Yes. Or like, one way I would chant for Vin Diesel. Oh. If it was one chance, this is the end. All of these, like, big tough guys that refuse to show any kind of. weakness or defeat on the scene. We saw Vin Diesel die in saving Private Ryan. He does. He dies in the rain. Oh, right.

All right. Yes, that's pretty good. No, I just want to see Vin Diesel take Dyson apart. I'm saying the one time I'd be going for Vin Diesel. Oh, I see. Take him apart. Vin is doing the deed. He's Jason Momoa's number two, it turns out, all of a sudden and Diesel has to take him apart at the hinges. Here's a good one. Jim Carrey. Oh, like, Jim Carrey, just like, he's in, like, maybe he's in a convenience store and like some robocop

penchman with a shotgun. I sprays them all over the counter. I forgot how the majestic ended. That might be number 23. I don't know how that ends. Yeah. I don't know. Possibly. He's just playing a saxophone in that movie. But he also, and he also made that remake of Jar City dark places. It's so bad. He made like this grim dark fucking like remake of an Icelandic thriller. I don't remember this at all. This was the last movie I think he did where he had the huge beard. Remember that? Oh, the beard, which I think he had number 23, didn't he? No, no, no.

Oh, he was clean shame in that movie? He had, like, I think, a little scruff going. Oh, okay. I guess I just remember the saxophone. I saw that movie in theaters. But there's plenty of ways to play that game. And it would be a lot of fun to watch these people. It would be great to watch it on screen.

Of course. Oh, of course. On screen. So, yeah, there's this big cool, you know, shootout action scene or whatever. Kevin Costner saves Abby here. They sort of ride off. Well, she saves him first, to be fair. She does.

because she breaks out of her containment and starts, she's like a sniper for some reason. Right, she's really good at shooting for 30 seconds of this movie. She was brought, like she was brought with the army of wholeness or whatever. Yeah, she's not just magically there from Blaineview. Yes, she did. And again, which is funny. She snipes, then he saves her and they ride off together.

Who's the dude that gets it right in the head, though? Is that one of the bigger character? She shoots this dude right through the point. There's just a bald guy who's about to shoot Costa on the head. This guy always gets shot. Really? This is so fake? Well, I think that's part of it.

Because he's the guy, he doesn't get shot, but he gets beaten death very early, Long Kiss Goodnight. He's the guy who comes into the house. Some people always get murdered. Some people never get murdered. I want to see the guy that never gets murdered. Totally.

A nice change of pace. Did Dan Aykroy ever get murdered? Ooh, fuck, that's a good question. What are you doing on that knife? No, no, no. I'm pretty sure he gets a pretty bad in Gross Point Blank. I would imagine. Yes, he gets a TV.

Oh, the TV? Yes, it does. He gets the Stu Mocker death. And that was glorious, too. They should do it more often. A great death. I think you even twitched his feet. Yeah, actually, this is the exact like a mental sensation that I think we're getting at here because I remember the first time I saw Gross Point Blank, I was horrified

watching Dan Akron get killed on the screen. This is actually, I think we're coming up a great new game for the cinephile game. Oh, there you. What's the most horrific death? for each actor pulled from each card. Oh, I like that. I'll get Corey on the horn

who we'll fix us on right on. We should. So yeah, she saves him. And then they're now we and this is like 90 minute mark and here we are in the woods for the next like in during winter for the next like 30, 40 minutes. We'll hold tight because there's a rad moment that happens here where like they're riding

off and he, Costner starts slumping down. Yeah. It's revealed he's been shot in the in the melee and she's like, oh, we have to get out, we have to keep going. You know, this terrible voice. And they sort of pull the horse over into some woods here. And most of the dudes ride by.

And she's like, got the horse laying down. Very impressive you get this horse to lay down. But it kind of like winnie's a little bit. And this poor son of a bitch comes in like, now I got ye. And she beats this dude to death with a rock. Yeah, it's pretty good. Pretty awesome.

Like she kind of does some of the most awesome ass kicking in this movie. And then like once it's like, I'm with child. Like you never get any of it. one of the weirdest. So what happens here is this guy comes upon her and is like got the gun trained on her. And Kevin Costner is holding back a branch. Yes. And hits him with the branch. Will Pat and you have some weak soldiers. I'm going to tell you this right now. If this is enough to get you like to be gotten rocked to death. Chris, Chris, to be fair, he might have been last for dinner and sure. Not to his best. They're desperate for soldiers these days. I guess. This dude's more of like the Ribisi caliber kind of soul. He didn't get no mule. Here's the thing, what if this guy was Tom Everett Scott and now his head's getting crushed

into by a rock? He was like, wow, I've never seen that before. Hell yeah, look at that. Surprising. Wow. Oh, right. Yeah. Look at that thing you did, huh? David Spade? Fantastic. But yeah, I was kind of thinking that rewatching Black Sheep at the end when Chris Farley's got

the gun to his head. I was like, what if he accidentally killed him? That was like a big third act twist of Black Sheep. But this is when Kevin Castro's like, no, I don't want to be. She's like, but the movie's already very, very long. People's bums are getting tired in the seats. But we have to get to Tom Petty. We have to get to him.

Dude, Tom Petty is checking his watch. Like, hey man, anyone going to get to my part anytime soon? Oh, man, I thought I was going to be in a movie, man. And I don't see a camera anywhere. What's this? You remake a misery? in the middle of your movie, you're making misery? Dude, seriously, because he's, like, laid up thanks to this gun wound or whatever.

And he's like, yep, I can't walk. So the movie's got to stop dead for 30 minutes. It is pretty weird that Tom Petty plays himself. Yes. And as a kid, when I saw this and there's that scene where it's like, oh, I know you. You're famous or whatever. I'm like, as a kid, I was like, who the fuck is this guy? I was like, is this a joke?

He's happening. I mean, I think he's probably playing a former rock star. I don't think it's, I mean, I think it's winky enough that it's himself because like, it's really like, I know to you. You're famous. Tom Petty pretty much looks at the camera. It's like, yeah, I was. Think about the rest of this movie. Sure. What do you think it decided to do this stupid thing or the not stupid thing? It's 1,000% Tom Petty playing. It should be Tom Petty. Not Mayor of Bridgetown. and Tom Petty as himself. He's got the don't come around here, no more hat on. Like, just really do it. You know, the thing about the mail is the waiting is the hardest part of...

He is a fucking gift at the end of this one. This is like, I love him. I knew he was in the movie and I was like, I love Tom Petty. It's like when you're playing Mario 64 and you're underwater, you know, and you're like, oh, fuck, the last slice of my life pie is blinking red. And then you get to the surface. and there's Tom Petty in this movie and all of a sudden your lungs go

and you just get this whole new lease on life because Tom Petty's there for way too fucking short of a time but no we gotta just fuck around in this cabin we should say this is we misspoke earlier Olivia Williams notices the mark of eight on him and tries to kill him here oh sure yes

I forgot about that right yes yes and this is what he says a lot of movie to remember here she's like she's he just he does you know like he cutts his way out of it takes a spoon as it don't make me use this

and this is more of him being aggressively unfunny and then she's like I know you probably can't tell because no one in the movie can but I'm pregnant and she's a pregnant

well doesn't she isn't it an argument isn't he like well you laid with Will Patt and well that's what he said he's like how do you know it's mine but well you're fucking

Will Pat and he's like well no he tried he tried to rape me a bunch of times but couldn't thanks for the assumption though but then just beat me a lot So thanks for that, dude.

You're awesome. I love you so much. She, you know, I guess it's like a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of situation here, but like there's that part where, you know, it's like winter, we're getting in for a long winter here and he's fucking bitching about it not wanting to be in the movie anymore demanding the story stop dead for minutes on end. And she takes the horse outside and kills it. And it's for food, I guess, sure.

Because she was, he was complaining about the food. There are two of you. That's a lot of fucking horrid up. I was thinking about this and I was trying to work my way around and I was like maybe it's super cold. Maybe the atomic wars or something made that winter really cold that you could just throw it in like, I don't know, a hole in the ground. It'll be fine to preserve out of. But you've lost your like mode of transportation, mode of carry. Yep.

You know, because like the horse. It's worth more than just like three dinners. Precisely. And like it kind of reminded me of how there's all the animals. in the house in benches of Inneshaeran. When the horse walks into the cabin dragging Kossner, like on the little like, you know, slab behind it or whatever. I was like, there's a horse in that house.

So that horse is murdered. Yes. Oh, you bear the mark of art. There's a little conflict there. And then she starts like placing the bowl around the house so that he has to get up because he's a lazy. Literally get off your ass and make this movie come across. I didn't make this movie.

I didn't want this movie to be three hours. You did. Get up. Finally, she falls into the river and is screaming, The Postman, the Postman, help me or whatever. Oh, fuck God. The Postman.

Start the movie, The Postman again. Which, like, how do you not establish, how do you not establish a shorter name or, you know, some type of pleasantry with, but the woman you're living with for so long? What should I call you?

And I'm not going to call you. The Postman. I know, it's the postman. Fuck me the postman. Fuck me the postman. Well, my first name is the. Oh, you? Yeah.

Yeah. Also, is this a, like, she purposely throws herself in this river. And it's like, hey, if I die, at least I'm not in the postman anymore. She's doing a lowest lane in Superman, too, just jumping off the. He hands her another hour of screen time. She gets right out of the river real quick. So then she burns the house down because it's time to move on with the, there's, there's movie out there we have to get to.

There's a great thing where like he's trying, he's trying to like bullshit and delay some more. There's one scene where he's just like, oh, Abby, did you know that we once sent a man to the moon? And we walked on the moon. And she's just like, who gives a shit? Look how we live now. And I was like, precisely. Yes. Come on. Tang.

Come on. Oh, yeah. His tang joke. Aren't you missing tang? Aren't you charmed by me? No, I am not. And then in the woods, as they go off because now, hey, we don't have a fucking horse. I'm glad you ate that. Glad you shit. that horse out fucking three weeks ago. Absolutely. Get walking pregnant lady.

That's your fault. Did you even make weapons out of the bones? Come on. That'd be cool if they were walking around in bone armor. Yes, please. Come on. Or pelts and shit. You know, there's a lot of you can do something. Some leather, dude. She does kind of have basically a great thing here where she's

like, all right, you know, the pass has cleared. It's springtime now. We can keep going. She's like, so basically, like, you're going to find me a safe place to live with the baby and then you can get the fucking step in asshole. I don't want you around raising this kid. And I will say this is the appearance of probably my favorite sweater in the movie,

the black and with the white freckles on it or whatever you want to call it that he's wearing. It's all right. But here's my question, Eric, how much of, because you mentioned it last time, this movie's sweater porn and it absolutely is, how much does that sway your rating of this film? A little bit. Yeah. It's an extra half star

for the sweaters. There's that sweater. Then there's like a yellow dark number as well later on. Lorenz Tate has a fabulous turtleneck sweater. It's like kind of ruby red. And we're not even doing the Matrix thing. We're like stretching it out a little bit.

Like we're not even doing that. There's like really great like LL bean shit. There's has to be a new economy going on. A lot of old ladies sewing or something. Sure. Ringo Star has started the economy back up. He does say that it's Richard Starkey of Maine. Yes.

L.L. Bean's back. Oh, there you go. But this is what they run into ponytail. Who's the the male carrier. Like what? You're carrying the mail? And she's like, let me show you where I'm from, which is now male city or whatever the fuck they live in. She's got some line, though, where it's like.

And this girl's awful. Yeah, it's his daughter. That's why she's awful. Terrible. But she's like, he says something about like, you know, who started all this or something like that. And she fucking might as well turn, look right in the goddamn camera and just goes, the greatest man who ever lived. And I was like, don't break your neck. sucking your own cock, dude.

I can't even believe that life. Oh, no, he's not breaking up. He is a master. He's not, nothing. It's so impressive. He does it with no bruises, no aches, nothing. It's incredible, man. It's wild.

It's just like even, even Jesus at least gets crucified at the end. You know what I mean? Like, that guy had some fucking flaws. Yeah, totally. And he got what's coming to it. I'll think about just like two letters. Pounce it off to the Roman government. Things happen.

Shoving a letter opener through his hands. Each of them Great. There you go. Some pain. That would be nice. Lorenz Tate is like the postmaster now

of this like army of postal workers and he's reading a fake letter from Kevin Kossner and it's like oh yeah Lorenz Tate

tells you guys are doing great. Keep up the good work. Love the postman. I'm alive. Love the postman. There's some dude who just goes,

holy shit. the postman like he starts walking through the crowd the crowd parts much like it's the dumbest thing because I think somebody like he's like and PS and whatever it is keep on keep it on right and then someone's like who knows what PS means we're just a bunch

of fucking mad Max Beyond Thunderdome babies I thought that was Lorenz Tate trying to do like teacher moment like I also serve as your educator and he raises his hand and the fucking crowd parts like holy shit it's the postman yeah yeah and then he's like you know he resists the call to action yet again he loves resisting things

and it's just like what are you doing this is crazy we can't do this and he sees all the leaflets they're distributing like the end tyranny or whatever you spell tyranny wrong oh oh yeah comes up again later it sure does but stay tuned for the next few hours and even still because he's like oh you know i'm sorry i lied and i put i impersonated the president too but i know the president still exists, right? And like, what should be called? Constor's like, yeah, and he might ask me to, I'll have to leave pretty soon. He's like, but you'll stay until then, right? And it's like, eventually Lorenz Tate has to go up to this. If this is a movie, he has to go up to him and be like, it was a, it was all

bullshit. There was no many, like, that's how movies have to work. It's storytelling. It's just basic storytelling. And here's the guy. Yeah, he's like the acolyte who's now like risen on all this like bullshit and like for him to like come to that realization like that's a crushing thing for a character and then the movie just is totally uninterested in it because again feet over the back of your head yeah instead of that instead of actual conflict with our main characters let's get to know some of the new faces around here we get this is where we get the one vietnam veteran he pulls him aside he's like how old are you and the guy says like 68 or 69 or something And he's like, can you even ride?

Like, you can't even be a postman. But I know things or whatever. And this come, this eventually comes to like one point, this dude is smoking pot playing with a CB radio, which is funny. Oh, yeah. But eventually we see that Vietnam veterans do matter. God damn it. Because he learned some battle tactics from the Viet Cong and they can use it against the whole.

And they do what Kevin Costner tells him to. So they have to be good. And also this movie like has to stop dead to remind. mind you to thank a veteran. Like, all right. Like, we know. We know. Oh, beautiful.

I'm surprised we don't get another one. That is what that is the age signifier I was talking about before. There's another funny one. I might be like after this when he meets some of these younger kids. He puts his hat backwards. Oh, right. When I was a kid, because he's a 90s kid. That's right.

He is. Only 90s kids would remember that. Yes. He puts his hat backwards. Oh, no. Dude, it's even worse. Dude, 74. He's a Gen Xer.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. So he doesn't believe in selling out. I remember the film Singles. It's the last movie

I saw in theaters before the bomb dropped. Everybody talks about never mind and none of them talk about bleach. You know, I always thought

reality bites is the name of a movie. It turned out to be true. Let me tell you Ford, Lincoln, Mercury, about Dave Eckers again.

Please don't. Please don't. There's a great thing here, shut down because like Abby's walking through the town all sexily and whatnot and he's like hey Abby I'm living at the post office

you uh you want to move in with me and she's like get fucked like she walks away and he goes so much for the uniform theory again abysmal comic timing it's a postman uniform you dalt like Jesus

Christ and it's also like everything else smells like shit this is what he starts to deliver the mail with the kids. There's a grand sequence. Sure. Put your hat backs, kids. And like all like 10 kids ride out and all the words. The kids go in different directions.

This is when we get the kid, the little boy with the little, it was a little boy with a letter. You know this is like, you get choked. I'm just, oh my God, it's a little boy with a letter with so much open his eyes. 25 minutes long this. I don't know. It takes fucking forever. Goes on and on. He passes him once.

turns around and comes back because he's going to suck his stick twice and one real. Here's the thing. It's way funnier if it's the postman just icing this kid out. I ride by at 3 p.m. If your little hand ain't out on the lawn, you're not getting the mail sent. He's turning around. He comes by. The kids has the letter out. He just pulls a baseball bat from his back. Or he just tramples him with the horace. It's like, oh, shit. I better get out of here. And here's the thing. Turns around,

rides towards it rides towards grabs that little head. We just do this slow motion The slow motion is so bad. As if it's like a fucking stunt with Tom Cruise and we're trying to catch someone falling out of an airplane.

But it's just like, oh. It's the majesty of the male. And I understand like that's what the whole movie is. But you've told me the, I've seen the majesty of the mail. I've seen Von Bargan cry over the, letter about his sister. I've seen the old lady cry about this. The power of communication. I got it. I don't need this little kid. Just so he can have his little boy be

in the movie. I also pretty much have enough locations at this point. I have enough little shitty towns. He goes to some other place names it Elvis, Oregon or whatever. This is this this is where we get the sky tower. He has to go up all the steps. But eventually, I think this is also the town where the army comes and they They gang them from the roof. They shoot them off from the roof.

Which is cool. Which is cool. But yeah. So I do like this. Like he's like, all right. What's the name of this town? And the person's like, oh, there's no name.

And he's like, all right, you're Elvis Oregon. And by the way, this staircase shit ain't going to work. If you want your letters picked up, drop your mail off down there at the bottom of the staircase. Then we'll talk. Yeah.

Because it's like a crazy like mountain. Yeah. Staircase situation. Then we go back to Pineview, you guys. and this is the fucking redbone cover part it's a big fucking like he comes back and it's like

see you know von Bargans like you have planted hope in these people's lives again the garden of these people's lives you know he's like wow I have to admit things are getting better and I was like shut up but well and he's dancing with

Abby here under these these Christmas lights which I mean could obviously be used for anything else true and there's a younger girl does approach him to ask for a dance. He gives her a fuck you. Fuck you. His daughter. Isn't it his daughter? It's the daughter. He's going to fuck his daughter. He's going to fuck his daughter. No, he said no to it. But the daughter wanted to

fuck her father. Right. The daughter just wanted to dance, you fucking perverts. Now listen. No, they want seed. Because plain views are buzz about this good semen that's been riding through. Here's the thing. Like, you see Olivia Williams like sashay through the town square. And again, nary a belly bump to be shown. And then this girl comes up. and is like, oh, do you want to dance?

And I was like, how much time has passed? Is this the baby? Is the baby now, like 14 years old? Are we old boying? Are we old boying? And it's great because it's like, come and get your love white, fat, rock cover. And that is set to this other kid who's another male carrier getting murdered by one of Will Patton's goods. Oh, Jesus.

It's like everyone's dancing and having the fucking whitest time you've ever seen. And it's just intercut with this. dude on this young man on a horse trying to outrun these guys get shot in the back off this horse. Now for the rest of the movie at this point Will Patton is dressed like the sheriff of Nottingham. Yes. The rest of it is this black pirate shirt Yeah but he's also got this like sometimes

not always this wild hogs-esque hat that he's wearing. Is it a bandana? Yeah or like is it like a weird leather motorcycle daddy hat? I thought it was a hat yeah. Daddy hat that's good. There's no bill. It's just flat against his head. But Travolta wears that in wild hogs, I'm not, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. I think that's right.

I needed to get a look at his hat, Steve. But yeah, so around here is where the old timer is like, oh, also I, it's kind of, this is an interesting thing, he's like, oh, I worked on the Galileo Space Station, and he's like, right now there's a bunch of skeleton up, skeletons, it's the second time

skeletons play into the story. It's like, right now there's a bunch of skeletons up there looking down laughing at us. We've Picking over all your satellites. We control it now. We control the information, and the information is about skeletons. No more updates from you, Russia. It's all skeleton news.

Sure enough, we will take over the entire planet. We will no longer do news about those meat bags. Only as the skeletons. This is great. They could parlay with the guys from Planite from outer space. and they can finally raise the dead on earth. Oh, that unkempt flesh, fat and organs must go. Be careful out there.

It is cold. Your bones might shatter. I don't care about what anybody else thinks. I care about my skeleton friends. The thing, too, with the old man smoking the jade right here, it's like this fucking Kevin Costner just cannot help himself, right? Because, like, this old man, listen, the world has ended. This guy's fixing a radio, just trying to fucking suck on this spliff, you know?

And he's like, hey, keep that out of the eyes of the kids, huh? I was like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, what are you talking about? What do you think they've seen? Kevin's trying to piece it together. They've seen their friends murdered and burned to death. Oh, I saw my mom face get fucked by a rat, but I guess I won't smoke pot. I haven't been a 16-year-old fucking puffs on some weed to escape the fucking apocalypse.

Oh, yes. You know, I watched my seven-year-old innocent sister. eaten alive by wolves. However, nothing more horrifying than marijuana. Well, you know what they were? They were weed wolves. They were wolves that were on weed. Sure, yeah.

When you heard madness on those wolves, that's what happened there. And they just took her apart. But yeah, so now the stakes are getting higher. Like, the news of like some male carriers comes back to them that they've been been getting killed. We got a row of dead postman hanging like the fucking Lincoln traders. And this is where Ford Lincoln Mercury sends a wagon of the dead of the troops back to Bethleh. Because he, well, first is the big siege on those guys because basically he's like, what else did you learn in Vietnam?

Oh, I'll tell you how I do it. And then like the next scene is all these kids brutally murdering these guys. It's the best scene in the movie, man. These fucking pricks are getting taken out left and right. The bodies are piling up. And he does, you know, he tells Ford is like, hey man, just, you know, just. dispose of these. I don't want anyone finding out what happens. It'll be a mystery what happens to these kids

because to these guys because I don't want the retribution on this town. And this is what the United State. Yeah, puts postage due on a cart and throws it out. Bad ass. The post office can stand no more. So then of course, this comes to Plainview being

under attack and the death of Kruger coming up shortly. There is also, by the way, Scott Barstow not such a great guy. Scott's just got, you look at that. That guy is the name sort of rang a bell but I couldn't... He was like a teen something or other.

He was like on party of five for a hot minute. Wild country... The wild... Devon Sawah. Wild boys or something. I think it's like wild country or something like that. What was this... Wild America.

Wild America. Nice one. Okay, yeah, you're dancing around the crimes he perpetrated in real life. No, he was a... Shoot it. He like kind of maybe did something with his partner's daughter kind of a scenario.

Dude. And he had to admit to it in court. But I didn't do it. I didn't do it. And it's like, yeah, yeah, you've been admitted to it in court though, huh? Ooh. That's not fair. He's like, my man has not had a credit 20 years.

So don't worry about it. Sure. Okay. Yeah, but he's amazing because he comes up to Kevin Costner. And he's like, hi, Kevin Costner. I'm in this movie. And he's like, do I know you? And it, that comes to nothing.

But, blah, bad, bad, bad, bad editing. But, bad, bad, bad, bad editing. And then he does nothing else for 20. 24 minutes. And then he portrays Kevin Costner. Like he was fucking there the whole time. He's been out of this movie. Yep. Yeah. Who cares? I actually, I think

I'm tired of the Postman. I think you've gotten there. I'm kind of tired of talking about it. Really sad von Bargan line right before he's executed. He's holding letters in his hand and he just goes, ride, postman, ride.

And they just shoot this dude there. Meanwhile, the postman is like 60-yard away and like doing nothing is holding everyone down because they're like let's go fight and we can't fight we'll never win meanwhile you have this mark of aid on your arm that you're going to use later like 20 minutes later this one kid one of the kids like oh von bargain is my dad for some reason yep and he's just like I'm going to watch my dad get murdered for the postman yes well and then later wouldn't he be like oh dude why didn't you do that like two weeks ago when my dad was being executed yeah totally just go down there and beat the shit out of

Will Patton. What seemed like cowardice was actually me saving myself so that I could challenge Will Patton. I mean, the scene, watching Von Bargan get executed. I mean, it's literally the red dawn scene with the kids watching from afar.

It's literally the same fucking scene. And he's just like, no. He must save ourselves. This is also where the postman is telling Ford Lincoln and Mercury that like, you know, this, this is why you don't send bodies back like that. And he's like, no, it doesn't, it's not. doesn't matter. It's not my fault that they're all dying. It's because the world is a shitty

he says it's Bethlehem's fault. Yeah, but it is. It's kind of both. Yeah, you can be both. Exactly. I mean, you could also say that you could blame it on the dude who dropped the bomb or whatever happened. Your dad eventually died 17 years later. They're all on a list. It's a very long list. Coster does disband the post office here. He's like, listen. The post office is breaking up. only one album dude that's that the reunion show coming up soon

Ben Gibbard come back here he's like yeah oh I got a letter from President Real Starkey here and he says thanks but no thanks stop dying Oh yeah he says that

you know he couldn't bear another postal employee to die He also says that I have really good semen anyone's looking Also he signed it off with it don't come easy, you know it don't come easy. Huh. It is funny the way he does say that this fake letter ends though because it just says

God bless you all. The president. Like, come on. Did in that moment he forgot the name that he gave this fake president? Stanky? No, President Starkey. President John Lennon. Was it John Lennon? Did I say Lennon? I meant Lennon. What was Harrison's first name? God damn it He winds up This is when I don't understand this part Lorenz Tate comes up to me He's like hey oh my God

That's not from the president And this is one you think that's gonna happen But it doesn't And he's like you know You let us all down We're bringing up the post office And blah blah blah And like if it has to end

Then I'm gonna end Because he has this like surrender letter To Bethlehem And he's like whoever delivers He's gonna die And Lorenz Tate's like I'm gonna do it And Consta's like

All right man I'll see you later dude Thanks so much dude Yes he's just totally fine with it. Well, he's going to be a father now. There's nothing more precious than that. That's right. Then like what the assassination attempt here starts. And he's like, Bethlehem's not a man. You're not a man.

Look there. That kid walking off to his death for no reason. That is a man. By the way, if you do make it back alive, see if you grab some food on the way back. But you're probably going to get shot in the head. He does at least

come clean to Abby here. You know, because he says like, Now all of a sudden he owns the baby again. I want to see my child grow up in safety or whatever. There's a great line here where Costa goes, the general is a fucking lunatic, which is a great line there. He just got my thing off a skeleton and have lied the whole time.

She's like, yeah, I figured it was something like that. She's kind of funny that she's ahead of it. And this is what Lorenz Tate and some other kid are about to get executed by General Bethlehem, but then Bethlehem. And Scott Barstow shows back up and he's like, whoops, couldn't kill him, General. Hey, I'm in the movie.

This is the, he says the generals of fucking lunatic to Scott Barristero. And then he's like, you're a better man than Bethlehem, Luke. I've seen it. Like all of a sudden this dude, you know, he just has a name. He's been on many adventures, I guess. Yeah, exactly.

I'm telling you a TV series. I just remembered Scott Barstow plays the kid in that early X-Files episode where like his parents or something or exploiting him because he's got like healing powers or something shit. He's the kid who does like the healing in that episode. Totally. Early 90s so the timeline

still checks out as far as the career goes. I know this man. He's a good man. We've made hair soup together. We've chopped up fingers for finger sandwiches. His biggest thing I think I just found out of my notes. He is the titular Tuck and Tuck Everlasting. There we go. Thing before he ruined his life

and many others. apparently. I'm just learning that today. And he, you know, the Barstow's like, oh, General, but don't you want to keep him for leverage? And the general's like, I will keep him for leverage and shoots the other guy in the head. Oh, right. Yeah. But this also, like, because, yeah, it's, they found two postmen

that one is for like Mercury with the letter. And the other, some guy named Clark from the like reunited Republic of California. Yes. And it's like, oh, the postman's message is spreading. And it's like, you guys don't know each other. Uh-oh. I'm going to be besieged by disgruntled postal workers. But there's a moment, right, to show, for the movie to show the scope, right?

Like the reach of Kossner's accidental message that he's spread like throughout the, but like it's just this quick like, yeah, reunited California, blam town. This dude shot in the head. None of that scope is addressed ever again. Somehow Gavin Newsom's still alive. Still running that place. So we get to Bridge City. and here is Tom Petty himself.

This actually reminded me because it's just, it's the same level of weirdness as when Peter Fonda shows up and escape from L.A. Right, which takes place the same year as this movie, 2013. Oh, that's right. Oh, really?

But you're just like, Peter Fonda, you're not for this world. It's the same thing with Petty, you're just like, the hell are you doing here? I've been cooling my dick here for two hours and 40 minutes for you to fucking show up, man. he lets him in and then like there's another knock on the door they're looking for

some guy called the postman i had to challenge james taylor for this spot he went down total coward i love and then this little another little boy i hate this delivery but please do it what's who's the postman it's worse that it's like what what's the palmer there's no handle of the english language whatsoever oh the pub man The best thing about it, though, is, like, the crowd parts. Of course it does. And everyone's looking back. But, like, the reaction that these people are giving as is as if this little kid instead of saying,

hold, man, he instead just went, suck my dick. It's like, the whole town turns like, the fuck did that little kid say? Excuse me? Olivia Williams like, you don't know what a postman is. Well, aren't you just a stupid little thing? And your stupid American parliament, she's the mailman. Tom, and he's like, you're the postman, aren't you? You're famous.

And we're like, ha, ha, yeah, that's great. Olivia Williams also rancid line right here. She goes, you give out hope like it was candy in your pocket. Oh, God. I know. I know he does. I watch the movie for two hours and 35 minutes. I started it last week.

week. I get it. All right. So let's get moving here. So he's like the zipline. Yeah, this little cable car is seen. Yeah. I think Kevin Koster's only, I think that the postman's only in this movie for the zip line. Honestly. Yeah. He's only doing this thing for the zip line. That's right. Do we keep trying to send the postman home, but he keeps sticking around for the zip line?

I don't know if it's true or not, but there was some trivia about Costner actually doing this stunt and the cage was being pulled by a helicopter. Okay. Oh, really? It seems like... It doesn't look that way. It doesn't look like that way. Green screenist, green screen

screen. It does. Maybe he put it on there himself. Kev, come to bed, darling. Hang on. Just adding more fake trivia to the postman page, dear. That cruise thinks he's hot shit.

I'm writing about the Lovin' Spoonful being about ejaculant. I'm going to put that in there as well. Patty's got a funny line here, though, where he's like, don't tell anybody, but sometimes I just ride this thing for the hell of it. And was I understanding the movie

right here. So why he's in this thing is because he's supposed to go off to a bunch of different towns and recruit more people. Well, this the first time the movie realized what a montage is. Like, hey, we could do a lot. But actually it's the worst time to do a montage. Because I got no idea

who he's talking. I don't really know. Resisted the cold so much and I guess it's like he's realizing he can't run away from it. But you kind of don't really get the scene. I guess that baby going, nah, la, blah. I was supposed to be like I can't run from it. I'm going to go face this? Yes. But you don't really get it.

You just have to infer that on your own. And you hear him giving speeches, but you don't see him give this speech. You don't see anything. It's just him in this fucking stupid zip line cart. And then the next scene is like this massive fucking post office army. Yeah. Riding over the hill. And Will Patton's just like, see, morale is a dangerous thing. And I was like, all right, I guess he built this army up in three seconds. And here I am two hours and 49 minutes in. I'm like, you know what? At least be a huge battle scene. I'm like, that's kind

of cool. Like just all these postal people against all these orange fuckers. No, but then he has to say the bumper sticker line of like, wouldn't it be great if the assholes who started the wars would fight them and finish them on their own or whatever? So that's where we get this whole meeting. And he's like, oh yeah, I have the rule

of eight. I get to challenge you and if I win then I run your clan, etc., etc. And I was like, that's great. Again, why didn't you do that fucking a year ago? And somehow now is when Will Pat and magically remembers him and he's like

by go it's Shakespeare oh I remember the beginning of the movie and he allows it and this is where we get a pretty cool stunt that is exactly like

Mission Apostle too absolutely it's an actual horse joust horses running at each other they launch their bodies off on worse I don't know how they're doing that

and grab each other and follow the ground and that's the problem is like that's really cool but in the next 20 minutes or the next, like, you know, movement of the fight. It's just them rolling around on top of each other. It's kind of Koster getting Will Patton and a nuggie.

It's slowly rising on each other. And it's boring. It's boring fighting. It's not like real. Like I need to. Graph something. Yes. Kick him in somewhere.

But no, it's just like strangulation and stuff. And eventually the postman's like, you know, no, there's been enough killing. And of course, Bethlehem's going to try to kill him one last time. But we get a good moment for Colonel Getty, the dickless wonder. Shoots Bethlehem. Ballless wonder. He still got full shaft. Sorry, sir.

Shoots Will Patton. Shutes Will Patton dead. And it's like there will be peace. And eventually the world will be 1998 again. There is. And I don't know. If I have, I don't remember it. And I didn't rewatch it for this.

But the trailer for this movie, if it didn't, it's a mistake. Has, he should have the line in the trailer where he goes, I believe is Kevin Costa. He goes, I believe in the United States and then headbutts Will Patton. Well, that's because like, Will Patton is like about to win. And he's like, because you don't believe in anything. You don't have any beliefs. He's like, I believe in the United States of America. Way. Oh, yeah. Fireworks going off in the theater. Someone's cooking hot dogs. The uncles and grandpa's going fucking ape shit. Another dumb reason to put it out in December. Yes. I mean, if you're going to even risk it in a big time, 4th July, baby.

Memorial Day, dude. Memorial Day, baby. Absolutely. We fucking do November Veterans Day, do it. Right. I get the feeling they weren't in any mood to give him any, like, you know, help him out. After the two screenings, then he's like, no, the misery movie stays in the bigger movie. So are you positing Chris Cabin that Warner Brothers was pulling the producers on Kevin Costner?

And it's like, let's just keep giving him rope. Just give him enough rope to fucking hang this directing career. If you know it's going to, like, we're not, we were not at the age of, like, maybe it's a tax break and we don't have to fucking put this thing out. Sure. We're not there yet. So what at that point, be like, put it out when, fine, put it out in December. Maybe these fucking critics will like it, these idiots. They did not. They did not at all. So we don't watch anything except for Olivia Williams, like with the baby. And then she's like, your daddy will be here soon enough. I just got a letter from him. And he's like, the mail's pretty slow. Guess I got to do something about that. And I'm like, dude, just roll credits. Just roll credits.

Just not more jokes. Not more jokes. We still have a jump to the future to get to. That's what they do. Right after that, the Newton Howard is swooning all over the place. Oh, yes. They're at St. Rose, Oregon, the place that he was always trying to escape to. The statue is unveiled.

And we get the little speech from the daughter about how great her father was. and she still doesn't know his name. Yeah, that's kind of stupid. Do you just take the last, she'd be like Hope Postman? I just want to say, for the record, I did make out with Chris O'Donnell during fried green tomato shooting. We can't underline enough that this girl's name,

let's name our baby, Hope. Terrible. Hope. Terrible. The best part about this movie is she grows up to be played by Mary Stewart Masterson, which was a nice uncredited surprise. And it's fully 1998 again. We got all the

Honda Accords. You got this dude wearing that brimless shirt, like a button down shirt. That's the kid is. The guy's like, that little boy is to be? No, it can't be. It literally no one saw what that kid looked like. And even if Kevin Koster told his daughter, daughter, Hope, about

this one time, I was on a dirt road, this little kid, I walked, it's not even a great story. As a story, it's like, oh, I was writing and this kid, I kind of went past him, then I came back again. You would remember every second, every detail of the experience, because

that was the first of, I would like to presume many times, the postman, the magical messianic figure that he is, learned how to manipulate time and slow it down. He was like, oh, of course, you have to make the statue with the little kid the first time I figured

out slow-mo. I do like the idea of him being a scammer, though. This guy being like, yes, I was that child. Would you, well, Would you like me to make a speech for a little monetary fee there? But if he wasn't, I guess it would make sense. Like if you met Paul Bunyan, you'd be like, well, yeah, dude, he was big at an ox. Yeah.

Well, yeah, back in like the 1920s, sure. This is the new 1920s, my friend. He says 1998 blurs back on tour according to you. Oh, my God. Well, then it's coffee and TV for everyone. Yeah, story. It's just like, yeah, sure. have the little inspiring statue of him

taking a letter from a kid but it is like a photo realistic reproduction of that very same child actor and it's just dumb it's really dumb it's just too much and then we actually have to replay it because yep in case anyone forgot or was in the bathroom during that time it was three days ago

so I get it and then we end on the kids smile a little boy's smiling face a little boy who learned a little something about the United States America little Denver Costner

he's also he starts like laughing at the end yes and clearly that was like maybe like you know like something going on there where you know Kevin Costner's like all right Billy King you know whatever like you need to just fade out by that

yeah get the James Nudest Howard going oh nude scene Howard is Newt is good I like to get better Hey guys yeah and that is the end of this movie go around the horn here Chris Cabin final thoughts. No. Don't do it. If I didn't have to do it for this show, I wouldn't have done

in my entire life. It's three hours of Kevin Costner. Nobody needs it. And as I said, a couple times. Yeah. He's sucking his own dick the whole time. And it doesn't stop. For the three hours, it doesn't stop. Marathon sucks. Even when he's, he has to admit he did something wrong. It's actually the best thing he could have done. Oh, fuck it. Steve say that. Yeah, I agree with my esteemed colleague here. again. I think that like a three hour runtime you really need to, I would love that there would be a permit you had to get from, from me that you can have to, that you're allowed to do it or not. But I just, it's not just, it's not the self-serrances. It is the dick sucking. It is like, because the self-seriousness is bad. The runtime is bad. The plot isn't so bad. Like the story,

like the, good story. The kernel of, you know, society is an important thing, which I do think is a real thing you know what I mean like yeah and like you know the idea that you would miss certain things and certain things could bring society back even the smallest thing like letter carrying sure but the Kevin Costnerness of it all no thank you bad stuff uh yeah hardcore not recommend for me I came in with an open mind because I'd never seen it before and again I think like a lot of what you see out there about this movie is like taking it a little far it is a it's a bad vanity project it's not i guess i would say unwatchable there's i we've covered worse things here but like that runtime is abysmal and you know again it's just that's also a product

of the vanity of it all yeah um so no it's just a huge gosh dang mistake final word eric okay uh light recommend um it's too long you guys are right in what you're saying absolutely terrible vanity project. I do like that it feels like a bad trashy sci-fi novel, which is good. Yeah. Because I read a bunch of crappy

sci-fi novels in the 90s. It kind of, it scratches an itch in a way. I can see never, I can understand never watching it or never watching it again. But if there's like a dad for noon or the worst hangover your life

and you're going to sleep through the misery portion, maybe, maybe check it out. Yeah, no, that's fair, folks. So that is going to do it, gang. This is a wrap on season 13. Bye-bye.

Yeah, unbelievable. But never fear. All throughout August, we're going to be dropping some live shows from our various tours throughout the last year. The trailer game continuing throughout the summer. Yes. There's a VHS trailer game on one of the middle episodes. And the last episode of the summer. Yes.

We'll have the finale of the VHS trailer game, which in which you will find out who wins the trailer game. and what episode we'll be doing for the season premiere in September a redo episode. We know what it is. It's going to be pretty exciting. I'm very excited about the redo episode. Yes. Do not sleep on those live episodes this coming month. We've recorded

stuff for them that is in studio in addition to the episode like the VHS trailer game. So definitely tune in throughout the summer and Patreon of course. And Patreon. We have, I'm so I can announce this right now. I'm so excited. One of my favorite one of the reasons I wanted to do we

of movies is to ever talk about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie from 1990. That's right. We did it. That's going to come out next weekish, something like that. Yeah, the beginning of August is we were recording this in the middle of July. I will say sometime around the very beginning of August that episode will come out. To tie in with the

mutant mayhem. We recorded that episode. It's super fun. You're going to love it. Yes, we're going to do a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's AD, a cartoon thing. We're going to talk about that. Yes. There's a lot of fresh in-studio content throughout the summer, folks. On the Glee Glossary will be talking about this classic

Star Wars character, Glandro. Of course, don't forget to listen to our Han Solo episode, if you want to hear the beginnings of what we will be talking about in terms of Galandron. Oh, you'll want to hear that. We'll also have another Melro 210 as we do. I am just assuming we haven't done yet, but I'm assuming it's

James Walsh just fucking his life up all over again. And we're still in these beautiful, beautiful summer break episodes of 902-1-0, so this will match up nice and perfectly. You gotta love it. You know, and look, we say we're taking a break and we do physically do that but we still put out so much fucking goddamn. Oh yeah. Yeah, no. It's just we do it all in advance. Yeah, I mean, we even have another

full movie episode coming out in August on Patreon that once in a lifetime on killer profile. That's true. There we go. So that's going to do again. We'll be back with new in studio episodes this September. We thank you so much for continuing to tune in. And, you know, hope you're having a good summer. Hope you get some time off, all that good stuff. And next week, you could join us in Los Angeles because we're talking about twins. That's right.

A really fun live episode at the Hollywood Improv, one of our favorite rooms. Yeah, that's going to be a great example of what it's like to see us live on the road gang. So you should try to do that whenever you can. But that's it. We're shutting down the shop for the summer. Thanks so much for your support. We'll see you in September. Until then, I've been Andrew Juipan.

Stephen Zeta. Eric Sisko. Chris Cab. Take it easy.