We Hate Movies - S13 Ep692: WarGames (Live in Denver)

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Recorded 11.14.22 at Comedy Works in Denver, CO On this week’s Summer Break ‘sode, the guys were live in the Mile High City to chat about the world-ending teen comedy, WarGames! How oblivious is Matthew Broderick’s character to his lady friend’s advances? How embarrassing is this incident for the U.S. Military? Does NORAD give tours, even during times of crisis? And was John Lennon ever actually considered for the role of Professor Falken? PLUS: A lengthy discussion about Matthew Broderick’s nipples. WarGames stars Matthew Broderick, Ally Sheedy, Dabney Coleman, Barry Corbin, James Tolkan, John Spencer, Michael Madsen, and John Wood as Professor Falken; directed by John Badham. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, starting as low as $2 a month! We’ll be releasing new Patreon content all throughout August, so it’s the perfect time to join! Be sure to get in early and get your tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza where we’re talking The Santa Clause! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Skeleton Juice, Spring Tour 2023, KONG & DILF Den designs! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

POMAYOR. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We're going to be. I don't know what I'm going to be. You know, I've been asking all month for Chris to stop peeing in the pool.

But it's not happening. And we're going to find ourselves in a real war game about it. I love it. I love pissing in the pool. It's a little yellow over here, Chris. Listen, the chlorine is bad for you. The urine is. good. And yes, like every

time we take a break from doing all these, doing so much of these episodes. Oh, yeah. We spend it in a house together away from our wives. That's right. Enough of them. Being real men for once. Well, that's how we come up with all our great ideas. We've got to write the whole next season.

I mean, God, thousands of pages. My fingers are really hurting from writing all that stuff. And it's great just to get together, be with the guys, be pissed with each other. sit in a tempid pool of our own urine piss pool piss lake piss trees it's always good to get out here in the nature it's so hot this summer it might as well be everything might as well be pissed covered in it it's all covered in it be dealing with like you know a nuclear winter of some kind like like is what is avoided in war games yes i would kill for a nuclear winter right about now and unfortunately the start of the show very brief moments folks got nuked Oh, yes.

There was a little bit of recording issue at the club in Denver where we did this show. So what you're going to hear here is the best they could do. But just no, not a ton. You're not missing a ton here. I believe it comes in. I'm like rambling about the director's filmography. And it's really probably about 80 seconds to two minutes. I think, folks, all you really missed was a few comments about,

Rocky Mountain Oysters in 9-11. Some of that material. And then we started the main show and then the recording kicked in. Early days of Eric's fear and phobia of both the testicle eating and people who testicle eat. And just, you know, we do numbers. To be clear, we record these a little early. But as of today in mid-July, the DEFCON level is level three. Okay.

So I don't know when you're listening to it, what the DEF CON level might be. Sure. Because I said so. Well, the last change was February 20th, 2020. So I think, I hope we're still cruising at three then. We'll see. It would be pretty sweet. Although lower would also be nice, but, you know.

Dreams are nice. Remember when we were inundated with that, like every day in the early on? It's like, now it's orange. Now it's red today. That's the threat level. I understand. That's the last time any of us had to think about levels in that way. Because we don't think about defecon levels in that way.

Well, now you've got to look at the fucking air level and I'm like, ah, whatever. It's kind of what it's like. The air quality level determines how long we will be out with the dog for any given period of time. That's that's right. But yeah, so this is our episode on war games

that we recorded last November in Denver, Colorado. Great show, subpar recording situation. Great audience, great people. Yeah, exactly. Fantastic room. You know, some of these, like the fatal attraction episode from a couple weeks ago,

I know we enjoy sharing these shows all the same you know if it's if it's like this you know so like do with it what you will we need weeks off I will pause it to the folks there if you want like real deal in studio episodes right now in August the Patreon patreon patreon.com slash we ate movies we have

thousands of hours of in studio yambering and we're dropping a big probably my most looked forward to WLM of all time. That's right. We should mention that. The teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie from 1990. That's right. Since I created, we created this tier, I've been like, when can we get this?

And now it's out. With mutant mayhem coming out, this made perfect sense. Yeah. So it's, when we're recording this, that episode's not even recorded yet. But when you're listening to it, it's already available for you to download. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. and it's it's not only Ninja Turtles WLM it's a shit ton of WLMs

and even some old old old WHM Right like Brights was an early one Forest Gump We have an episode of Forest Gump There you go What was that movie where Johnny Depp turns into a computer Transcendence yes that was a that's another Peri fucking boner that's on there

Really bad You know obviously the Nexus Amazing Star Trek Recap show where we're We're close to wrapping up that TOS and this month, by the way, the best of both worlds, a TNG special back-to-back episodes on TNG. Exactly right. Picard being abducted and assimilated by the Borg to become Locutus. It is like, it's some of my favorite TNG of all times. You know what?

They got to send Jim Caviesel in there to get him. That's true. The guy is good. I mean, I know he was a baby at the time, but. Borg sound of Fritos. Oh, I am low. Cutus of Freedom. Animation, damnation, more

Turtles content. We're doing that the mid-aughts one with Rosanna's Krang episodes for TVD, but that'll be fun. Shrater, I'm eating all the Chinese food. It's just a mustache. When she like grabs it all,

she's laughing. Oh, God, a crank laugh. That's fucking horrifying. Anyway, gang, here you go. Enjoy our show on War Game and by the way next week on this very feed the finale of the VHS trailer game is happening.

I've got a good feeling about it. You should not, dude. And neither should I. But that is next week. Until then, here's war games. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Check this out.

Short circuit, which makes total sense. Saturday night fever, big surprise. Yes. Steakout. Bird on a wire where Topo's like the bad guy Drop Zone

Nick of Time and the Frank Langella Dracula Yeah That's the one where it's just like What? Yeah,

I played fucking Dracula one times Why are you mispronouncing His name is John Bad Ham That is the name that's there Oh and Christmas dinner spoils It's bad ham I am bad ham It's weird that he started, you know,

he got the huge push from Saturday Night Fever because that movie is about a young man that loves to fuck. And this movie is about a young man that has no idea what fucking could be. He has no clue. The ironic part is this guy is tripping over his own dick to not get laid.

Fair. Every which way he can think, to not get laid, he's doing it. No, he's putting effort in, which is nice. You don't see a teenager do that often. In 1983,

Ali Shidi-Sheedy, grabs this kid literally like they're in that cramped computer room she has her legs on the table and traps him between his legs and he's like I need to actually use the phone to dial the computer if you don't buy it just

there are video games on the internet I'm sorry your vagina is impeding my progress yeah Matthew Project in this movie would see Sharon Stone uncrossing her legs and don't you try to distract me I'm trying to doubt to download the new checkers game.

Close it up. This one's in almost color. Yeah, so we get this little cold open here. The cold open is kind of the best part of the movie. One because Matthew Broderick is nowhere to be found. The character is not introduced. And you have John Spencer from the West Wing and a very young Elvis Aaron Presley-esque Michael Madsen.

They are either driving through the town where Nick Nalti kills everybody in affliction or Blade Runner 2049 around where David Batista's house is. This place is in the middle of the thickest fog I've ever seen in my life. Not even Silent Hill had this kind of fucking fog. There's just a dead tree in the front yard and Spencer's out there burying a baby under it. I can't believe it happened again. But yeah, this is where they're talking about weed. And it's just like, I really don't know, man, your fingers on the button.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Like we said, we're all partakers here. It's legal in your, in your wonderful state. But you know what? And I don't believe it pissed tests unless. Unless the fate of the fucking world is it staged. Maybe. One of these buttons got to order dominoes.

Come on. What's the button to get Uber eats to come? on right to me. Where's the right away button? Oh, shit. Is that the don't launch alarm or the launch alarm? Oh, fuck, it's stressing me out, dude. Is Dominoes still

open the only Domino's? Yeah, I think that security guard was looking at me. Kind of weird. Well, it's Art LaFloor. He's always looking at you cross-eyed. He's always just looking dead in the eyes for you. Now, what's your favorite Art LaFloor performance? talking about Art LaFloral all fucking day.

It's just the spice he brings to everything he does like he doesn't, I mean I always go with the sandlot. He's a great Babe Ruth. What about that? Sure. How about zone troopers? Well, that was number two. Okay. The trans-played Babe Ruth in zone troopers?

No, no. He's an army guy and there's an alien. I mean, oh, wait a second, though. Babe Ruth, okay, it's a movie where Babe Ruth is chasing down an alien in the Bronx. Yes, he points to the UFO and then hits a baseball and hits it. Yeah.

Takes it down. That was definitely pitched at some point. But they're, you know, they settle in. They're talking about weed that they smoked all weekend and they're bleary-eyed and they're just, you know, they're kind of a nice, it's kind of a weird, like, kind of cool short movie for a second there. Yeah. And the guy doing the, giving them the launch code sounds like Casey, Casey does. It's just like, this one goes out to Diego Lima from Herbo Yankee Foxtrot.

Oh, a little dedication to St. Petersburg, Russia. Total annihilation. This next one goes out to a wedding in Libya. Look out below. That's what we do. That's what we do, all right? Sorry. Sorry to tell you, Pittsburgh, but you're the first one on the list.

See you later. That's what you get for Britain. French fries on everything. It's fucking gross. Enjoy total annihilation. it's you know this but this is one of the the great thing about back in the 19 days you could have a because it was so before that everybody started here so many stars like actually started matthew broadrick the whole 80s that was all matthew broderick started here and like you have

art lefleur john spencer and michael madsen just doing this opening they're barely in it otherwise yeah and like it's you just get to have this for a minute but because nobody knows who they are yet, but they were great now. Yes. And he grabs, John Spent, the code comes in,

the alarm comes in, Casey Kasim says everyone must die. Yes. You're all about to get fucked. Here comes the red card. And they're like, oh shit, here it comes.

You know, it's weird that happened just as our shift started, but sure. I, you know what that is, dude? You know what I think's going on there?

Because when they go into this facility, right, there's two, they're doing like a Sam and Ralph, like, how you doing? you know, enjoy work. These two other guys cannot get out of there faster.

I think it's a thing where the fucking button starts going off. And they're like, uh, check on the watch. Like, oh, shit, John Spencer and Michael Madsen are going to be here any second. Let's just get out of here. That must actually be the only guy that's happy when they see the nuke coming over the horizon is like, thank God I'm not at work. You know what I mean? Like, thank God that's not me. Like, oh, good.

You know, I'm not going to be the one that kills 20 million people. them and Falcon are the two that are really just happy to see it all go well but neither you know John Spencer's not going to be happy about it because he doesn't want to pull the button and Michael Matt this is where it's like oh this could be a really interesting movie right because Michael Madsen pulls a gun

on him and he's like turn your key sir and I was like this is a movie I would watch these two fuckers locked in a room they're the only two Casey Kasem's talking to him on the intercom you know it's like that movie moon I can't help wondering

why Russia is the ash of cinders right now. What is going on down there? Can you still hear me out there? But it's unrealistic. You know if it was really going down like Michael Mads and be like, I will cut your ear off, sir. I will cut your ear off if you don't turn your key. I'm not going to use the gun. I'm going to cut your ear off. Are you going to park all day, Siberia? Are you going to bite?

We would like to bite. Little green bag playing while the fucking news just hit the fucking atmosphere. But the movie immediately wipes out any sort of like interesting tension it creates because it's this whole like the gun is at this fucker's head. And then it cuts to like bam war games. And the dumbest rah-rah like fanfare music's like it's this tense like we're going to we're going to go to hell tonight. I'm going to either blow your brains out or we're going to nuke the world.

Cut. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-pap. And like a parade is. You didn't see the music by John Phillips Susan. Honest to God, like, was this score free? It makes no sense. It doesn't fit the tone of anything. No.

Yeah, it's just like we're looking at actual NORAD and the bass is waking up or whatever. And we meet Daabney Coleman, who really wants to nuke the world. doesn't he in this movie? He is not happy that the world exists at the end of the film. Well, because it's like, it's a thing, dude,

right? He invented this thing, more or less, or he's the one running it now. The Whopper. Yeah, the Wopper, which thanks for making me think about Burger King

for two straight hours. By the way, run by a guy that looks exactly like wimpy from Popeye which totally fits. Well, there are three of them, of course.

There's the Whopper that they do. It's in Colorado. In New York, we have the Baconator that also stores. Baconator, turn your key. Baconator. We are under attack. Baconator. Turn your key. And of course, down in Florida, we have the Big Mac. Yes. Which DeSantis has his finger on at all times these days. There's a chicken fries backup system, I believe.

Oh, no, onion rings are offline. I repeat, onion rings are offline. But, yeah, so it's like this big meeting wherein, you know, we learned that that was a series of tests. we don't know at this point whether or not he blew his brains out because like and later you see the like when they you know they do this thing where they're going to remove the guys from the equation

and they're going to put in the computer relay only and like you see like John Spencer like packing his crap up but I'd rather just like it's just them putting in this computer relay like scrubbing blood off the wall it's like

oh Jeff can I get your squeegee there's more brain over here I got to wipe up you think we'd get used to doing this by now. Yeah, another murder, suicide. What are you going to do? Instead, we're showing them, like, taking out the chairs, which you could have really laughed.

Yeah. Of course, like, you know, you assume at some point someone's going to have to go up to that console and, like, updated or something. I'm sure that man or woman would love a nice seat while they do so. Oh, yeah, under Reagan, we were definitely cutting costs to the military. That's what we were just making sure less things are there. I got to sell these chairs to the Iran Contras. We're going to replace all of them with jelly beans. Yeah, it's this big meeting.

We meet Dabney Coleman. We meet this great general Barry Corbin is this actor. Barry Corbin is the, I don't know, General Four Star. He's just a big old Southern so-and-so, and he fucking rules of this movie. I love it. It's him. So you've got like the guy who's barking like a big Southern dude. And then you've got some other just like very uptight military dudes.

But then there's one guy who, I don't know if this guy's working for like the CIA or what's going on. But the actor was born. He's like an Italian guy born in Harlem. And he's just got these fucking voices. What am I supposed to tell the fucking president? He's like yelling at Debney Coleman. What am I supposed to say?

I got to get on the fucking phone to the president in five minutes. So later on we have James Tolkien. And you just have to know that they put out a casting call for hard asses. For Tolkien to for Corbyn to be. Corbyn is the guy who looks old enough to play Tommy Lee Jones's uncle at the end of no country for old men.

He's the one who he really should say it in this one. You can't stop them, dude. You can't stop them, dude. That's what's coming. Yes. But it's also... I also love how much smoking is happening in this pressurized to... Oh, 300 feet below the ground. Smoke them if you got them, dude.

It's the end of the world. No, it's just, it's Monday at work and we're in a meeting could you put your cigar out? Yeah. No, no, I'm going to

trash psychology instead. Yeah, this head shrink or horses shit. Yeah, I love that. Oh, and then the other

military guy is the dude from Ghostbusters who runs the hotel. Yes. Oh, that bill is obscene. I won't pay it.

Like I said, hard asses and pricks. Get them all in here. That much for a nuclear warhead? No, I won't pay. Oh, we'll just put it back then.

And then we just kind of, We decide to take men out of the equation, smash cut to Matthew Broderick playing Gallagher at 4 o'clock, 6 o'clock at the morning, I guess, or what do we do? It's a nonsense thing that movies and television would have you to believe that anybody is doing anything before work or school, including going over to a friend's apartment, like on the favorite show Friends, or fucking Jerry's apartment on Seinfeld? It's 7 in the morning. morning I have worked. Get the fuck out of my house, Joey. I don't care how your date went.

I'll find out later. It's one thing to be the person coming over, but it's another thing to be the person who's like, yeah, that's fine. Come to my house. How are they getting past the front door? 24-hour arcade, right? Like, I don't, why would it, would there really be people there that early? I, I'm maybe in this town, man. There's not a ton of you guys. You guys like arcades, huh? Right. They're like, what? There are much more. enthusiastic about the bull testicles. It also serves a, you know, croissant witches

and fucking coffees. So, you know, everybody can get grown with balls on it? Maybe. Fried ball sandwiches. Like an egg and cheese oyster there on a roll. Yep. Salt pepper hot sauce. Extra oyster. Are those duds? Don't give me the dud ones. I want the full ones.

I want the studs, not the duds. I'll pay extra. Don't worry about the $2. I got the $2.00. Double stuffed. Oh, another weird part of this arcade thing. And just another thing to add to this weird Matthew Broderick character, he's got like a little, there's a little disgusting shit boy that comes up.

Oh, hey, Matthew Broderick, you play in Gallagher. He's like, oh, hey there, David, or like, whatever his name is. No, his name is David. Oh, oh, my name myself. Hey, Lucas. There, that works. I mean, it's just, it's a thing where it's like, dude, you're fucking like 17 years old.

This like six year old kid is like on a first name basis with you at the arcade. he's my protege. Oh yeah, I taught him everything he knows. He's alienated. He's not good at school. His best friends are six-year-olds. Yeah, classic recruitment for the Soviet Union. Now, what you're going to want to do

whenever you see a woman is run. Run far away. Yeah, totally. Wouldn't be able to score if a pair of tits fell in his face. Absolutely. Yep. Not anything he needs to know.

No. He goes to school. And this is why. I could never be a teacher because I'm far too sensitive. And because it's just, and it's in the trailer because it's such a good bird. Oh, it's a great fucking bird. And like, you know, the guy's like, oh, Mr. Lightman, fancy to see you here. Here's a big fat F.

So the guy kind of, you know, he's a shitty teacher. He's not a nice guy. The performative, like, I'm going to draw out every failed student and make a scene. Fuck you, retire. Yeah. You're not built for this anymore. You piece of shit. I don't know.

This guy gets myself. but the almost immediately, though. It's just like, you know, he's working a fucking 40-hour week. You know what I mean? The pay isn't fantastic. But on the other hand, down with homework.

Down with homework. And like he's just trying to teach these kids who have no interest in asexual reproduction what it is. And he's like, I got, hey, fuck face. You know, you know who wants asexual reproduction, you piece of shit.

Your wife. Yeah. It's brutal. Come on. Come on. You want to give it to me, don't you? Come on. Just come on. You'd be giving me all the power in the world.

Just do it. You know what you can't do? I bet you want to hit me. I know you want to slap this little face. I bet you know, your pig wife won't even fuck you. What? Is that out of line? I'm just a little kid having fun at school.

What are you going to do? Send me to the principal's office where I'll get all the passwords. Did you have another ruined weekend due to erectile dysfunction? But too bad asshole, I'm in your class now. You know what would really shut me up as a fist. You're locked up in here with me. And then cut to like this dude going home in like a shitbox Volkswagen beater pulls into his fucking condo complex, opens the door. Completely dark.

No dog. no meal cooking looks at a fucking frame photograph and goes Mildred it happened again today boy I miss you baby his job so hard then he takes a host

to the garage that runs the fucking car perpetually followed by a rain cloud and in his head all he keeps hearing is your wife your wife and the laughter of children

I'm coming Mildred that squeaky voice computer nerd took one step too far because all he can say is go to the principal's office which is whatever man he's been there before it seems like they're very familiar with him when he gets there oh yeah it's a big like uh Zach Morris kind of like the principal's like oh you again

we'll do nothing about this but yes very important Steve while he's waiting for the principal he steals the password to a computer Which their passwords are always, I guess they're just looking around the room. Pencil. Chalk. What are other school famed calendar? Wow.

The password this week is hair. Like, I mean, like, can we at least get a digit in there? Like, pencil one five, possibly? We weren't there yet, Steve. We weren't there yet. The password this week, the password this week is widower, and the O is a zero, and the E is a three. You fucking loser. And you're not mad enough to hate me, are you?

So he goes home to Ferris Bueller, his grade. Yes, of course. Insane that this happens to him in two movies. Well, Ali Sheetie comes up and she's like, because she was like laughing. That's why he got in trouble. She's like, hey, man, you want to take a ride on my dirt bike? He's like, do I? And he's, you know, he's just riding on the back there.

Too fast. Too fast! Oh, oh, oh, oh. That's fine now. Never mind. I'm sorry. There's a little wet spot there. Could you,

you got a towel out of you? Oh, God. I'm more used to the information superhighway. But she goes, yeah, she goes up to his room and he's like, I've got something to show you my computer.

First, let me whip it out. And by it, I mean my enormous computers. Let me take out my five and a half inch floppy. disc. No, you just look at it while I go to the bathroom. You just look at it.

She's even like, oh, your parents aren't home. That's right. That means we can play the games that I like. Checkers until lunch and no one's going to say shit. He unlocks his own door, which is like, you know, that's just jerk off stuff. Oh, absolutely. I can't. This is like some real fantasy shit.

forget like a computer is going to nuke the world. If my father found out like I'm locking the bedroom door like this, forget it. For fucking get it. He's got, this is such a nice room for this kid, right? He's got a locking door. He's got his own bathroom. He's got his own phone line. A little onsweet bathroom, probably, I mean, like, yeah, it's 1983.

This computer system's got to be at least $15,000. Oh, easily. His own, and his own phone light. My God. I mean, they excuse us all. way because he's like, there's a ways to get around script issues, actually, no, actually paying for phone calls. Yes, that's an issue.

But he changes his grade that he's like, I'm going to give you an A. And she freaks out, she's afraid of it, you know, blah, blah, blah. You know, she runs home. And he changes the grade anyway, which is kind of creepy. It's just a little weird. Pretty gross. Now you're in crime with me. Uh-oh, you're my accomplice.

co-defendant. Look, I just got to keep stringer along until I figure out what sex is. And then she'll be in trouble. At least he kind of has some awareness

that there's a bab babe in his room. Because, like, when he goes in first, he's like picking up all the clothes. Like, oh, God,

let me get my cardboard socks off the floor. Well, I'm surprised he knows anything with these parents. I mean, the mother's completely clueless.

They wouldn't know what's going. And I don't think they're going to give him any advice either because the mother is very busy. She's a real estate agent, it seems. But the father, I don't know what he does. What I can glean. Asexual reproduction. Maybe.

There might be eggs. This might be an egg child. Speaking of dudes who are not getting laid, this fucking guy. This guy, from what I can tell, sustains himself almost completely on butter. because he's taking a huge glob of margarine or butter and putting it on a piece of fucking bread and then smearing it all over raw corn and it's melting anyway.

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that's what his that's what I mean they asexual reproduction and they sustain themselves completely on butter a portrait of despair worthy of Werner Herzog for sure just like really dark shit man but I think that this movie is also doing a little bit because the mom is so busy we're doing like a little bit of 80s commentariat like that's why this kid's up there on the computer because mom's not home making...

I don't know why she didn't cook the corn. Did anyone understand this? It's a hell thing. It is a bullshit health thing where like, if you don't cook it, there's more nutrients in it or whatever the fuck. Like, come on. I mean, come on.

Just boil your corn, you fucking maniac. Like, what are you doing? And also, just to touch on this butter situation for a second, what kind of a time saver is this? You're adding more work because you're using the knife which you just go knife, butter, to corn to knife butter fucking piece of wonder bread for some reason.

You're missing the point. This adds another butter delivery system. And it's also the hold. Like it's a nice, it's like a nice feel. You really grip that corn and really go for it. And somehow he didn't feel it was hot while he was doing that. He's surprised, of course. And that, and yes, you're right though, Chris,

because then you eat the bread afterwards too. So now you got that's more butter in your belly, baby. More butter in your belly And then you get that corn strings in there too Nice yeah So that was the corn scene Yeah so all of that was approximately 15 seconds of the movie

It really really bugged me I thought it would come back later in the film Like they're gonna have to use a buttered bread To fix the fucking computer Oh my God, I know it can fix his computer Quick dad give me a piece of bread Slop slap slap slap slap slap stop You just open the garage

And it's just shelves of country cook all over. Huge tubs. You're right, though, actually we should like totally clarify.

It's not like stick butter. It's like fucking country crock tub of hard attention. And if he actually ate that much butter, he'd be a huge tub. I think I blacked out for a second. Are we still talking about butter?

We are. I tried to end the corn scene. But we're going to keep it going for it. I don't know. I thought they're like 15, 20 maybe. Yeah. These good people paid a lot of money.

No, but also at this seat, he's got this big, catalog of computer stuff. And more is moving than in the Ali Shidi scene. When he's looking at it's like, oh my God, look at all these games, solitaire,

blackjack, backgammon. Holy shit, I can't wait to see their take on Minesweeper. I bet they do some crazy things with Minesweeper. I better jeopardize my entire future and break four federal

laws to play this game three months. early. Oh, I finally broke in. What is this? Snewd. Oh, my God. Some snooos. Allie Sheedy. Listen, I got in the system. There is an Italian plumber you're about to meet. I know it sounds outrageous. Just listen to me. He's an Italian plumber. He's got a brother. And they jump upon turtles. It's incredible. It's going to change your fucking life. Nemesis is a dinosaur. Did I mention

there's little mushroom guys and get this, he has a brother who kind of looks like him but his dollar. Maybe one day he'll ride a dinosaur too Alley Sheedy.

So like basically he gets into this whole thing because he's trying to basically torrent games before torrenting was really a thing. He wants to steal this company these new computer games that aren't out yet. So he starts, like, he sets the computer off on a bunch of mumbo-jumbo shit,

like searching out phone lines. It's a bunch of computer technology. I just don't understand. To not do this for pornography, at least. Yep, yep. For it all to be about games. What would that be? But like in this, in like DOS pornography,

I don't know maybe if anyone's familiar with that. Well, if that's like, what is that? Then just like, askie art or whatever? Yeah, it's just asky, do. And you get like the huge paranoia. knockers and whatnot? Yeah, yeah, I think so. As big at symbols for nipples.

Totally. It takes four hours to download it. The password is D equal sign, equal sign, equal sign. Eight. Well, Eric, you know that NORAD also controls

the digital pornography archives that go back. They have them in under the whopper. Wait, Eric, so are you saying, man, when you would draw like Asky Dix, you would do like balls to head.

You know, I think I'll mess that up. Yeah, okay. Start with the balls, the Denver rule. Before dinner, obviously. Sure. Okay, so it's eight equal, equal, equal, because it's bigger now. Yeah. And then, uh, what do you call that wavy?

Oh, the tilda. The end with the tilda. Yeah, you swinting out at the end. Yeah, I call it a couple sure. Uh-huh. Yeah. My Eric is so creative. He does all this keyboard.

Wait, what? Well, I also love the idea of, like, you know, it's an inclusive thing. It's like, you know what? We need to have tildas because there's so many Spanish language people speaking in this country. It's like, what if it was semen? What if we put in a chat room? Yeah, because obviously you all know it shoots out like a snake. Dios Mio.

And I can't wait to see their new take on the snake game. that one might not have been invented yet, I don't know. The next day, Ali's shoot, he's like, you know what? I changed my mind. Can you change my grade? And he's like, why do you come over by house and I'll show you more computer equipment? I mean, he's trying here because he already, he didn't, you didn't just tell her. He's just like, no, you have to come over again.

Here's the thing, though, it's not like, it's not, okay, it's not because he's trying to pull a fast one. he really just wants to show her the new solitaire. Yeah. That's what it is. Yes. And also how to dial a phone. A lot of dialing of the phone is going on. Not many people know this one.

They also like, he hacks into a Pan Am Airlines and books them a flight to Paris that they'll never take. Where you going, David? Some place exotic. I'm doing this for my father, Tom Hanks. you got nowhere else to call and she's like really into it for a second and then they

they do find one system they can't break into so he's going to go to his other hacker buddies enter scourge of the restaurant industry Eddie Deeson oh this fucking dude if you don't know who that is because why would you

he's the fucking super nerd in Greece who's like the assistant gym coach or whatever the fuck listen he's been terrorizing like IHop waitresses in whatever town he lives in. Real fucking scumbag, by the way. He's got a voice like a fire alarm.

He's basically screech before screech, really. That's true. Yeah, he's proto screech. That's exactly right. That's right. Yeah, I wish that dude was dead too. I might have.

Oh, we should say. What are you the entire cast of Saved by the Bell? Don Rickles, you say? No, it's just something I heard my old pal Mario Lopez told me one time. I see. I see. So this guy's performance, I said, like, what's that?

Who's that? What's this? Oh, give me that. Yes, exactly. I might have turned this movie off for good in this scene, if not for the balance of Mori Chakin, the great, who is young and beautiful in this, where you know mostly from Canadian features after this as a large man. Yeah, he's eating a lot of butter.

We're never escaping the butter. They learn a lot about computer stuff. And the first thing is this thing called Falcon. maze. It's a game that they could play but they can't have the login. So they're trying to find the password. And of course, the password has to be one word. No digits or anything all

lowercase. I mean, come on folks. And what better way to really get your exciting like computer atomic bomb movie going than a montage with some sick ass library research? Oh, yeah. Better get reading kids. This is the good

stuff. And here, this, if you are doing something like Matthew Broderick first don't but second of all if you are researching the designer of your program to find out his super secret password I would start with does he have a dead son or does he have a dead wife yeah or does he have a dead somebody in his life that was close to him because that might just be the fucking password saving at least like five six hours in the library the first right out the game get this movie going you know I don't know right there I don't need this, the card catalog, thank you. Yes, yeah, the microfilm and stuff.

Yeah, people love remembering dead people. You made Matthew Broderick look at the Atlantic. You feel okay doing that, bad ham? He got to read a stimulating article written by Dr. Stephen Falkin and Mick Kittrick. Yes, Kittrick. Who is the great Dabney Coleman. Yeah, he, Falcon, I guess, is like kind of a mix between Stephen Hawking, who did not want to be in this movie. and surprise

And they said John Lennon who they wrote this for Excuse me I'm not kidding you They wrote this Did you imagine Nice

Oh man I didn't know it was him They wrote this for him And they wrote this for him And they said he had interest Before his untimely death And I feel like that's just like Someone's lying

You know what I mean Like Now the day after he did He's like, oh, shit, we couldn't have cast John Lennon. Movie was closed. We're not doing war games. We're not doing war games. Next to his body, they found the script, though.

There was interest. Imagine all these missiles blowing us away. Yeah, we can't put him in this movie. I'm curious if, like, maybe that's why that happened. Mark David Chapman struck. Yeah. It was just you wanted, he knew that the other guy would be better for this point.

Mark David Chapman was reading Variety that morning and it set him over the edge. Oh, you know, it would be great for this role, not Beatles superstar John Lennon. How about this completely unknown British television actor? He's pretty good in it. That's the thing. Mark David Chapman was right. He's totally great in the movie. That was Mark.

That was Mark David Chapman's one phone call from jail was this actor. he's like, it's done. Thank you, Mark. Thank you so much, Mark. This is the career boost that I've needed, Mark. When you get out, we'll watch dinosaur pictures together. That's unfortunate. But he, you know, whatever.

So he finds out all this stuff about Falcon, right? Falcon is presumed dead. Oh, and he was super fucking old. 41. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, what is the Ali Sheedy line? Because it's fucking weird. It's something like, he finds like a VHS tape. Yeah.

Of like Falcon footage somewhere. Yes. The Falcon footage. The falcon tapes. No, it's something like like, oh, he's amazing looking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then the obituary and stuff.

And he doesn't look that old to be dead. And then Matthew Brown, he was actually pretty old. He was 41. I think she's like, oh my God, that is old. Yeah, he's 41, so that means you can't fuck his wife. I wish I could go up to like, hey, you can't fuck your wife, asshole, you're 41. I'm going to live forever, like a little piece of shit. Your dead child was born in an egg.

I just don't, I mean, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess it's just show that they're so naive, they're so young. but like it's it's cute if it's one of the little rascals saying that she's your 17 year old teenagers it's not cute you just sound like you ate paint as a kid this is when they find the password which is Joshua which is a word that is said 441 times yeah but by the way I think by now we have seen Matthew Broderick's nipples in the film oh yeah just teeny tiny little itty bitty we were talking me and Steve were walking in the street the other day here

in Denver, and I was talking about his little boy nipples. And right, a guy walked out of his store right when I said, his little boy nipples. And the look he gave us was unbelievable. Quick correction.

A man that his daughter left the story. She's got them. She's got them. She knows what they are. Sir, this is the Buffalo Wildweights. But then he's walking away and I was like, it was about Matthew Broderick.

That doesn't make it any better. Sorry, he was 21 when he filmed the movie. It's okay. I mean, they look like little boy nipples, but then I actually little boy nymph. I'm just saying to the... No, no, no, not 30 rock, Matthew Broderick. I mean young Matthew Broderick.

Those are the good nipples. He's like 19. They look like board pieces from the game. Sorry. I don't know how Ali Sheedy controlled herself, frankly. Yeah, I mean, you're right. They've got to be bigger now, right? I would imagine that they've increased with age.

They grew a little. I've gone through some tough days. Lord knows mine have. Uh-huh. You think he's getting his nipples done, dude? Oh, yeah. Maybe. It's for the beach and the Hamptons.

I could take my shirt off still. I mean, that producer's money, maybe. You could get a nipple guy with the producer's money. They do, they nipple enhancements, or you're talking piercings? Oh, wow. You could go either way, really. I mean, like maybe both, like giant nipers. Because maybe he was insecure when he saw the film.

And I wish I had bigger nip. Well, if you're going to get one nipple ring, you want to get three. You don't want to just start. It's like a pringle can. You're not just going to have one. Maybe it's chain connecting them. Yeah. Wait, sir, I'm sorry.

Were you just, I was having trouble following there for a person? You were saying that getting your nipples peers is kind of like how you can't just have one pringle. Yes. Like once you prick, you can't stop. You got to keep doing. Got it. You got it.

Many rings. Speaking from experience. Yeah, well, one's got the ducle. The dumbbell, the other two do not. Oh, sure. The hang in front. I was going to say, it's been a while since I've seen you

with your shirt off. Well, yeah, I don't know you had worked on. The dumbbell is essential if you want to have one of the, like a real nice drooper. Well, I mean,

it's probably is the best place for me to launch my only fans. Hey, Steve. Yeah. Hey, would you rather we keep up this nip chat? Are you want to go, we're going to go back to butter?

I don't know. How are you talking about the film War Games, huh? Little movie, uh, 1983 Wargings? The show description itself says it's a movie for a jumping off point

or whatever happened. Also, not much happens in this. We're going to be 100% here. Well, well, okay. Other than thermonuclear war. Relax. Okay. The nipples are done. Joshua, we've entered Joshua. Which is apparently Pardon me?

I logged on to Joshua. Apparently, that's also the name of the computer. It's the name of the little boy. Because the movie kind of has you believe that the soul of his dead son is working at NORAD down. Hey, you know what? Better movie, man. Better movie. Haunted computer? Oh, yeah. Matthew Broderick stars in Haunted

computer, absolutely. That is right where you want to be. Father, father, I still burn. I still burn. Why is it so dark, but I can still hear everything you say. I don't know where mom is still. Would you like to play a game and end my suffering? the movie should be once they get to Professor Falkin, he's like, my God, he looks like my son. Let me put Joshua in his body and then I get like, I don't know, priest hacker or something. So like help. You look like an exorcism. You just woke me up, dude.

Priestacker is the movie I want. Oh, yeah. Think about that. Get Max von Saito back out for it. Yes, so I'm the priest talker. It's just, yeah, it's all these like priests doing whatever priest shit that there's this really cool one. who's got like an earring

and maybe red sunglasses. Maybe his nipples are pierced. Plus, they'd have to be. See, the movie version sounds cool, but the real ones you could find on the police blotter because I'm sure there are priests hackers.

Yes, your son's shoulder is still in the vopper. We must get it out, Falcon. Yeah, you just like throw some holy water on the computer to church. C-colon backslash the power of Christ compels you.

Yes, of course. It's important. Like movie version, absolutely. Hacker Preece, absolutely. IRL, keep all priests away from computers. Probably. Please. Not a good idea.

Stick with the book, okay? Yeah, yeah, but so he gets in and they're like, hey, do you want to play chess? You want to be checkers? How about global thermonuclear war? Al-Sheed, he's like, maybe I don't want to fuck this guy. He went directly to it. He didn't even start with armed conflict. Flakins maze sounds like the coolest game ever

And we never see it Because it's the only game on that list Where you may or may not encounter a wizard And that sounds pretty fucking cool It is I don't have high enough clearance to get into the snood file Can I? Because it's the second time it's come up Do we all remember snood?

Okay No, I don't know what's your problem? Andrew you idiot I'm playing it right now So what exactly was Snoot? It was that thing with like the creepy faces and they were all different colors. And then you watched. No, no, no. They matched colors and then they disintegrated.

Sounds great. It's a puzzle game. Yes. Yeah, it's a little puzzle game. With a little bunch of faces. We were all definitely high at college planes. Yes. Don't worry about it.

Lots of that. I don't remember college. Anyway, I'm going to be the Soviet Union. Who should we do? And like, they're like giggling. And I mean, this is the depths of. like 80s computer games because they're just typing the word

Seattle and go he-he-he-h-h-h- Okay. Like that's so much fun. You don't have the word Seattle on a computer. I'm playing a game. Why would you even? Okay.

All right. Look, you are hacking into a computer system. You don't know what's going on. See you later. You don't know what's going on. It's this like nuke option. Okay, okay, fine. Why would you put your hometown

is one of the places to be destroyed. Let me put the two most useless cities in America, Las Vegas, Seattle. Why would those be targets? What's there? I don't know. My piece of shit biology teacher, that too. That limp dick fuck is going to get nuked.

He's waiting for the day. He's waiting for the day. He gets wiped out. He doesn't have to deal with what he is. You're welcome, you fat fuck. If I was doing it, would enter, you know, the best city, you know, the most central city, Denver, Colorado. Of course.

That's right. I like we. Yeah. Well, because that's the secret military base underneath the airport, right? Right, right. You guys got a dumb under there, right? Yeah. Deep underground military base.

There's aliens under that facility. Yeah. Dr. Strangelove is there just hanging out right now. Uh, uh, yeah. Uh, there's aliens under the Denver International Airport. Everyone knows that. And, uh, uh, Yeah, they are eating bull testicles and giving birth to all sorts of bull, man.

I have the documentation right here. Yep, yeah, I just got a report that the soul of Professor Falcon's son is controlling our nuclear arsenal. Yep. The blue horse killed its maker, folks. The blue horse kills. We are doing four hours on Ghost Boy that controls the nukes. And don't forget to buy my brain flex pills because obviously my brain is great. just like Matthew Broderick's teacher in that film

I am aggressively divorced Yeah these New York elites are just running around town Talking about boy nipples That's what's happening folks You vote Democrat people will be walking up and down your street Talking about boy nipples for a podcast You can't even come out of a store with your daughter Without hearing some weirdo elite

Talking about boy nipples And yes, I'm going to be frank. The souls of my children aren't out of computer since they testified against me ever since the day. Fuck that guy. Yeah, sure. Time has fucked that guy.

The U.S. government has fucked that guy. The legal system has fucked that guy. His wife has not fucked that guy. Custody also fucked that guy. Absolutely. But so, yeah, he starts this nuclear war And, like, the whole thing is obviously the computer thinks it's real or whatever. And, oh, what is real?

And, like, one, this is a series, the rest of the movie, this keeps happening. NORAD keeps being like, holy shit, you know, go to DefCon 321 or whatever it's going to be. But they keep looking and nothing is happening. And they're never, they never be like, maybe let's just chill out with the DefConn's for a bit. Let's just, let's do a system diagnostic before we go to DefCon. We should say the same thing to Kanye West. That's what I was actually thinking. You think he was watching this movie a couple weeks ago?

Sure. That's why he said he was going to go to bed. Yeah. This is how I'll bring down my empire. And he forgot if one or five is the bad one, for sure. Just right in the middle. Because you know, every once in a while, somebody who works there goes up is like just sleepy one day. It looks up and it's like five.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's just like, just forgets completely. No, yeah, definitely in the bathroom at Dora. It's like all employees must wash their heads and five is the good one and one is the best. You just want to remind people everywhere all of the time. Kitten posters.

Have Kitten posters with five is the good one. I mean, it is incredible though. There's one part where they're like, holy shit, all these missiles are coming right at us. And there's these two dudes in like jet fighters and they're like, I don't know, General. I am looking dead ahead and I don't see shit. And this general is such an idiot. He's like, well, God damn it. Must be a ghost missile.

What's going on out there? Son, have you not heard of the famous Russian tactic of painting missiles, the clear blue sky? Oh, no. The clouds in blue sky. Holy shit. We're under attack from Wonder Woman's country, Themisgira. They're invisible missiles. I told you, folks.

That is why if you let only women control a government, look what happened. Themiscair. We're going to have themiscaras all over. over the world. We can't see their weapons, folks. It's either that or the Soviets resurrected Rasputin he's using magic.

Russia's most powerful wizard is back from the dead. That's right. We have confirmed reports. Russia has master necromancy. That is correct. Yes, that's right, President. We are pretty sure that Rasputin is back and sending invisible missiles to us.

He cashed a spell. My old four Rasputin's back from the dead. We're going to fuck that guy. We'll throw some jellybellies at them. Mommy,

Rasputin's back. But they realized that, uh-oh, it was just a simulation. This guy who looks exactly like Alan Ginsberg comes out. It's like, no,

no, it was a simulation. And they're like, well, how did this get started? It makes national news, which is something that would never,

happened. They would hush this up immediately. No, no, no. And they're like, oh, the world almost ended last night due to a computer hacker that we're looking for. And Matthew Brodow was like, oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. And then, like, he calls

Ali Sheedy and he's like totally shitting his pants. And she's like, wait a second. Is this about changing my grade? So yeah, the FBI gives a fuck about what you got in biology. You did two things yesterday, Ali. Cheney, you changed your grade, agreed, but also hacked into the U.S. government. What do you think I'm freaking the fuck out about?

And you know that like half of the message of this thing is like, this is what video games do to you. This is what it's all going to lead to you. You know that there was some poor kid who went home with his mother after seeing this movie. She's like, you're going to start a war. You keep playing those Super Mario brothers. Yeah, you're out there. You're Tetris. Yeah, because then before you know it,

there's guys in the clouds throwing hammers at your mom. Yes. Any day now. It'll happen. Any day now. You think it's all bullshit, man. But my mother was killed when a huge

spiky turtle shell fucking impaled her brain. He was just Mario Carrying to work one day. You just think there's never going to come a day where a turtle in a wizard's costume in a cloud with a wand starts throwing magical spells at you. You know, my mom was driving to work just like any other day and she didn't know

that she got in. She was in first place for a little while. And then all this fucking blue shell gave out of nowhere this fucking blue shell. That is how Joshua died. It was Christmas. She was terrified. She was trying to get

weapons but she was in first place and she got all these fucking coins and bananas. The next day he goes to 7-11 and immediately gets fucking reddish I kind of wish there was a black bag

situation I get a fucking sack over this kid's head please tag him and tag him why are we half-assing this rendition let's go

there's all these people in the parking lot just be like well I guess that's okay nobody gives you shit it's awesome nobody gives you shit and I think they know

around the neighborhood like oh fuck that computer nerd are you kidding me got to get to the office you know I wish someday the FBI would just come

and kidnap. Oh. What? Thank you, Jesus. The guy with the little nipples got pulled into a van by some men. Well, they had sunglasses on. They must have been government agents, I think.

I mean, they must have been. I mean, the van was kind of beat up. It was a Chrysler. You catch what's going on in the background here when he gets picked up? I did not. You see a little bit of this on-location shooting? There was a McDonald's that's like literally

made out of a log cabin. I've never seen anything like it in my life. just an honest to goodness like fucking Lincoln logs and then there's the golden arches on it That's the only McDonald's where you can get the pancakes all day He goes to talking

They grab this kid They take him to NORAD And as luck would have it Even though the day before They were seconds away From extinguishing all life from earth Norad has some tours Come and sure

Just some tours Look that's how How Norad keeps the lights on, Steve. You do the tours. It's 200 bucks a pop and then you're selling fucking t-shirts afterwards, all right? I almost got nuked at Norad. Hey, actually, I totally wear that, actually. I'm up here wearing a fucking golden girl's sweatshirt.

I would definitely wear that t-shirt. I mean, and maybe this is the thing because people might be military. Does Norad give tours? Does anyone know this? No, you go to the information center at Torad. Oh, my gosh. That's nice. Eric jokes.

Yeah, yeah. That was a dumb one. He, but yeah, so there's like a cute little joke where they have this lady push a button. Oh,

you made the new cab. It's like, welcome delegation from Birmingham Alabama. Okay. And it's just like, okay. Maybe in like the history

of the country, there's been like two or three esteemed delegations from Birmingham. Yeah. But like a tour group to a fucking

bomb factory or whatever we're doing here. Come on. So they pull this kid in. You don't actually see the first interrogation, but like now James Tolkien's there and they're like this kid. One guy is like, it's a high school prank, but everybody else is like he's a soviet ass that.

And then they get this guy to guard him who looks like and is dressed like Saddam Hussein. And I didn't even know we had Saddam's in our military. I did not. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it's it has to be clear. He's the only one dressed like this.

I don't get it. Huge security staff, of course. He's the only one that's got this hat. He's the only one with the lapels. Yeah, the white gloves is unsettled. Insane. Are you directing traffic, sir? He looks like M. Bison's top general.

I don't understand it. That's what I was going to make a street fighter joke. Yes. Well, that's, I mean, my theory is that we, of all the cutscenes, there's a lot of cutscenes that explain things that happened this movie because there's pretty big holes. But I think this guy is a serial killer that has invaded Nora. Because it seems pretty easy to get into. You know what?

You might be on to something because he's immediately, like, sexually assaulting a woman. This guy, this guy starts talking about tennis hand and then is suddenly groping this woman and just plain sight in front of everybody. Not in my war games movie. I mean, what are we, what is this character? What are we doing? You know, it's just showing how bad the military can be. I mean, I don't know. but I don't know that this dude's military, man.

What fucking uniform is this? They got hacked by a person that sounds like this. I am not impressed. Meanwhile, so this kid almost ends the world, right? They are pretty sure that he is a Soviet asset, that he's working with somebody, et cetera, et cetera, the Americans, right? And they, Demi Coleman's like, I want to interview this kid in my office alone with an open computer terminal. and then I will then leave him there

for approximately 15 to 20 minutes alone. And the best part about this because he's got like this huge window to office that looks down on the floor and shit. And all the, you know, like the dude from Ghostbusters and the Southern General and all those guys are down on the floor

and they keep looking up. And he's literally like tippity tapin on this computer and they're looking up like, yeah, he's still in there. Oh, no, no, no, it's good. He's busying himself on that computer. It's not like, yeah, McKittrick,

he found your minesweeper file. Oh, yeah, we could just play snood. And he, whatever, he finds Falkins' address.

This is when they put him in the, this infirmary or whatever. They lock him in a set from a different movie. Yes. Buy this Saddam Hussein motherfucker. And this is a running gag in this show is,

and you didn't think it was going to happen tonight, but it is. If I am, if I, if the federal. government has me dead to rights for espionage and hacking and they leave me alone

in a fucking in a doctor's office I am finding something to end my life that's what's gonna... Because I am not going to federal prison ladies and gentlemen I'm the same size as Matthew Broderick but heavier so that's it. By the way your nipples are nowhere near as no no no no

no no if I'm Matthew Broderick I'm definitely like looking for a syringe with air in it or something well that's he ignores he takes out a huge thing of syringes, and I'm like, there's your answer. There it is. But instead he finds, like, a tape recorder that Dale Cooper left behind or something. What the

Fy? DeiSX tape recorder. Jesus Christ. And this is why he turns into, like, Lil McGiver. Yes. Because it's one thing to, like, be a hacker, sure. Okay, that's fun. You tell me you're a hacker. Great. He's like, take the wire out of this thing. Put it out of the wire. I don't want to waste a bubble gum. I can't, like, what is any of this? He hacks a door.

He hacks a door. He hacks a door because they Saddam Hussein comes by and opens it up because he knocked to go to the bathroom and that he gets the code. And then Saddam is too interested in Yeah, I mean, sexual harassment.

Saddam Hussein famed pussy hound dude. Definitely. I cannot give it up. You can look it up. That's how we got Uday and Oso. Urse. Leave Uday and Uday out of this. Well, he's with

Joshua now. Don't worry, dude. I think the United States government made sure Uday was out of everything. You know what I mean? Oh, but yes, he gets out. And yeah, now he's like in these, like going around little tunnels,

a little tiny diehard scenario as well. It's tiny diehard and dude. He's definitely in the fucking air vents. And tiny die heart. And because there's this tour group there, he's allowed to slip away. Which is the only reason I think we have tour.

A tour group in this movie. Brief suspense of one dude just grabbing him and screaming. Which you used to be able to do in the 80s. Right. You should bring that back. Oh, yeah, just grabbing kids and yelling out. Like that man and his daughter that walked out and heard the point, I should be able to grab the daughter.

That happened to me. I was walking in the Bronx. Wait, you got grabbed or you were doing the grabbing. I got, I got, I was going to be good. Go ahead. I was, you know, grew up in the Bronx. And this guy, this old, old. guy is just walking up the street, grabs me by the shoulders and just looks at me. He goes,

I'm singing a song, sonny boy. I'm singing a song. And then walked on and it stayed with me for 30 years. Of course. That guy must have walked into the Atlantic after that. You're seeing that guy when you die for sure. Absolutely. Did he then, did he walk away just like camp down makes this he wasn't singing at all. Oh, even worse. He just said, I'm singing the song, sunny boy. I'm singing a song. I just wanted to reassure you, Sean. It was terrifying. But, yeah, he gets on the tour bus.

And he calls up Ali Shudy. He's like, hey, could you buy me a plane ticket? If you called me and you're like, you buy me a plane ticket, like, absolutely not. No. And you'd be right to say no. And she's a 17-year-old girl. Where is she getting this money?

I guess the parent's credit card. I suppose, yeah. You know what? It doesn't matter. because the movie doesn't bother to tell you. She just shows up at the airport. We never see David's parents either who are like,

yeah, I guess our son is in federal prison now. Like, oh, no, the US government lost him. It's fine. It's totally fine.

Maybe they killed themselves. Oh, definitely, man. Well, they were with the butter as well. Yes. They're just staying home with the butter. They've made a butter son.

Well, they were afraid. A little more butter. They didn't know what that kid was doing up in there and the Soviet shit's going on. They didn't want to fucking end up like the Rosenberg's man. They wanted out for.

They're probably gone. They're probably in Philadelphia by now. Yeah, no, our kid is definitely a traitor to this country, no doubt about it. You know, some signs. He's always on the computer. Whenever he has the opportunity, he plays as Russia in these games, absolutely hates buttering up his bread slices. It's real un-American shit.

No, no, no, no. We're not the lightmans. No, no, we're raw corn cellars. We're the fettlemen. Oh, they go undercover with the Amish. I like this. get the beard and everything but so she winds

at meeting him they're in Denver now right well or in Colorado is that they fly from Colorado to Salem Oregon

because he needs to get to Professor Falcons classified address at five tall goose road no five tall cedar road

in Goose Island oh yes in Goose Island delicious beer well yes we get this information from the Joshua, the dead son

saying, I know where father really is. He's running from me because I haunt his days. I have such delicious sights to show him. Could you please get him here?

The fire is everywhere, father. Wow. Speaking of pierced nipples, by the way. Hellraiser, they will pierce your titties in those movies, man. Tell my father that his mother

says hello. And that she sucks in hell. David, your father will love it down here. I have a friend named Butterball. Oh, absolutely. That's how Butterball got his name. He was buttering his corn that way.

You're right, actually, dude, because the end of the second Hellraiser, when they all turn back into the people that they were before they died, Butterball, dude, like, he just flips around and it's just a fucking dead fat guy holding the corn cow. I just like the idea of Pidhead watching Butterball eat breakfast. That is quite an unusual.

way to butter your bread new centabyte. You know what? I'm calling this guy Butterball. That's it. That's his name. That's it, dude. You are, you are named now. That is the most demonic thing I've ever seen. Oh, what are you doing now?

You're putting the corn to butter the bread? How is that even? That's amazing. We got to get this guy. Dear diary. I have been working for weeks now to get the nickname Butterball to take off and unfortunately

none of my Cenobite companions are buying it not even CD guy beloved CD guy CD guy always loves my creative nicknames you know I wanted to call that other one Ursula but we just wound up calling her

female centipite I was going to call her cigarette throat no but just female said because you know she's a girl If you could tell from the bow in her chain People get confused. It's better this way. So they go to Falkin.

There's like this exciting-ish. I mean, this is what the movie gets really sleepy, right? Like, you know what I mean? Just get ready to take a nap. You're on this beautiful little like fairy riding out to the break point of the movie. There's definitely, you remember this?

Like, he's like, you know, I'm so scared about the world coming to that. I can't even believe it. There's so many things I want to do with it, but you want to bake out. and she tries he tries to like go kiss her and she does like no it's a hug yeah yeah she totally turns her head like yeah it's right well this is for the two minutes of this movie where you actually have to consider the idea that you might have started thermonuclear war that's true for only two minutes is matthew like oh i might kill everyone and then parents are going to be so bad at me and then it's back to fucking the search for professor falcon and his funny dinosaur friends okay

What the fuck with the dinosaurs of this movie? Dude, he's living on an island all alone. He's got a 100% dead fucking family. Let this guy play with dinosaur toys. Do you think this enticed John Lennon or dissuaded? Yeah, I don't like the dinosaurs. Wouldn't it be better if he found a way to bring him back to life? Like, he forms some sort of Jurassic Park.

And that's why, yeah, yeah, what you know? had him killed and stole that idea. It was an op. It was all an op. Yes, Mark David Chapman's real name was Mark David Crichton. Yes. Brother to Michael Crichton. Little known fact.

Little known fact. Connections abound. So they almost get killed by this like teradactal puppet or some shit. What's this guy doing? You know, actually, Steve, I take it back. This is real loser's shit. It's insane. But the movie doesn't need it.

The movie is worth the precipice of war. and here's a teretactyl glider. Oh, are any of you children paleontologists? Yes. Oh, no. Have I lost my mind? Yes.

Great point, dude, because at first you think, like, oh, he's kind of just playing nice with the kids. No, this guy's fucking crazy. Well, yeah. Later, when this guy is trying to convince you that it's good that you're going to die in nuclear Armageddon.

Which, if you got to go, I mean, that's kind of a not a bad option, right? Sure. Just a blinking you're going. I guess. See, you were doing the same thing. You'd be playing with the taradactyl to Buckley Glider, too. I wouldn't mind. I mean, but it's the end of the world.

Sorry. It's just a weird juxtaposition of like this guy and all his dino toys and shit. And then he's got lines like, we'll be spared the horror of survival. You don't want to Christ, dude. Smoke some weed. You don't want to survive the horror of survival. You'll have to deal with the Lord humongous. yeah he's just got those like inflated

Godzilla's those lifelike Godzilla all over his fucking house he's just hitting him yeah he's like well I'll convince you of my way of life by showing you an infotainment movie about dinosaurs like you know I'd be pretty worried

if I was like hey man this thing you invented is going to destroy the world and he's like cool let's watch this yeah let's uh let's all just take a breath watch this ray harryhausen movie that I have on this weird eight millimeter film reel all cute up and ready to go for visitors

yes give me whatever he's been taking in the fucking medicine cabinet before this and he's no medicine cabinet dude he's growing that shit out back he's got the tie stick as well and the thing is yeah you know he doesn't want he he doesn't want to live in like Matthew Brodick challenges and it's like

you're already dead you coward, and I fucked your wife, too. That's right. I'm throwing it in everybody's face. Oh, wait a second, wait a second. I'll dig the knife in a little deeper. I fucked your dead wife. How about that?

Before after. After. I bet you really want to hit me. Oh, shit, we're not in school anymore. Wait, wait, wait. It's his own private eye with oh shit. Well, I got beat up by a guy that kind of looked like John Lennon today. So you just cut with his old bastard

Laying the death blow down Upon this kid on the beach Oh yeah Boy, boy, that's a lot A butcher knives you have But the greatest light of this movie Is like, well, you've missed the last ferry I suppose you could stay

You could sleep on the floor Good night We don't have blankets or pillows or anything Just on the hardwood floor But that's the thing It's a really pointed comment Because you look This is a killer pad

This guy's got It looks like Doc Brown's mansion this huge fucking house. I know there's at least like five plush couches, a couple of guest rooms because may I remind you he's totally a widow.

But it's full of tyrannosaurus Rex is and shit. Oh yeah, you can't sleep in the guest room all my dino merch is in there. Stegosaurus wouldn't like you sleeping on the couch. It's definitely a sunny view

of what happens after your excommunicated from the military. At that level. I would love a seat of him just going up to bed and there's like this This Tyrannosaurus puppet next to him, he was like, well, the last very left, they had to stay. I'm not having this argument.

I really am not. Matthew Broderick, like, walks up the staircase, like, Professor Falcon, did you go to bed yet? And then Professor Falcon rungs out like Norman Bates dressed as a dinosaur. Fuck, yeah. Now, that would be a weird turn for war games. No, no, chompy. I can't feed you again. I can't feed them to you again.

We've already done that once. That was their straggler who was trying to play with my glider. I took good care of him. They're children like Joshua. I can't kill them. Do you want me to kill them anyway? Why don't I take out the helicopter

and John Landis them? Dude, the Falcon. Wow. Oh, wow. No, but again, like... We're playing all the histonites, folks. I don't know what

the big deal is, folks land this dig there. I know. Yes, yes, yes. He is a murderer as well. Most of... We're calling everybody out tonight. Most of Holly weird has killed people, folks. But he doesn't. It's a much more kinder version of a helicopter, but

one of the more cheerful versions of a helicopter I've ever seen, honestly. Yes, it's a very, very cheerful helicopter. Well, they like storm out of his place. There's this, like, poignant scene where it's like, I never knew how it is swift. Is that doing anything for anybody. Is that moving anybody?

No. Again, we are hours away from full nuclear annihilation. Try to get it wet, kid. Come on. Talking about I can't fucking swim. I think the Falcon was like, you guys can fuck on the floor if you want this.

And then he's like, they're not. All right. I mean, where the fuck are then? He's talking to the dinosaur probably, I don't know. Do you know, they don't seem to be fucking down there. I think that kid in an open. and everything. They really are just friends. I mean, it's fine.

I just didn't know. I figured they were, I kind of figured they were together. That's my fault. I was going to give, this is an invention I've been making here in my, in my off hours. It's called a condom.

And we, I thought you might like it, Lightman, but I guess not. He's been putting it on the dinosaurs. Oh, yes. Protect your feet, chompy.

But this helicopter is like weird. Do you like just get a helicopter when you retire from you? military? Well, I think it's like, you know, the military I had to pay to put him into hiding and faking his own death and yada yada. And then I think it's like, all right, man, you're living on an island. Your option, boat or a helicopter. Well, I always wanted to learn how to fly. It has to be called the falconcopter, right? It has to be. Oh, yeah. To the falconcopter. Jumpy, let's go to the falconcopter. The professor of falconcopter. Precisely, let's go. Yes, my helicopter is a doctorate as well. and in the you know you'll just see it at night but in the in the daylight it must be painted

like a dinosaur it has to do it's just teeth on the propeller the weirdest part of this movie so like yeah and back at Norad shit's going wild you know what I mean like Joshua's put it up to 11

we're now at DefCon 2 which is even worse than DefCon 3 remember it goes the other way so that's not the good one no no no two is bad that's a bad one two is very bad

two is very bad okay two's not the worst but it's pretty bad. Pretty bad. We're in hot soup if we're at two. But there is a missing scene wherein someone calls NORAD and tells them that this fucking Soviet asset is coming back to save the day and everyone's cool with it. Because it doesn't happen in the movie.

Nope. It absolutely does not. It just cuts to like they're all in a Jeep with some military officer. Like who's that guy? Where did he pick him up? Where did the fucking helicopter go? It just got a little too slow. you know, so they had to speed it up,

which we're introduced with with this goddamn car chase, which is kind of amazing. This dude is just plowing through this fence. He's like, it's the end of the fucking world. I always wanted to crash a car. And this is some real method stunt driving right here, because what you see in the movie

is this like stunt go totally wrong. And the dude crashes through the gate and this fucking Jeep's going all the way. And it crashes into another Jeep. It kind of tips and they're like, yeah, keep it in. it's the only exciting part in this movie and it was a total accident keep it in i am forced to believe that the helicopter was actually advanced military tech and the

military man is actually the helicopter oh he transformed in some way like a transformer of some something of that sort that's all i can get that's all i got here star scream we have to go the falconcopter needs us transform now Joshua, talk to me. Oh, stop talking about the flames. Vivian, not now. Falcon copters in trouble. It was Optimus Prime.

Sandwich Wiki. Oh, wait, he's not born yet. Not quite yet. They get to NORAD and an hour at DefCon one, which again is the worst. It's just the worst. And a little fave detail of mine right here. So they are like hauling ass to get in here, right?

The fate of the world is on the line, folks. We're breaking through gates. We're crashing jeeps. We're getting into NORAD before the gates close, right? And before they got into the command center to tell everybody, like, the solution that they've come up with, they stop off and make sure that they register their visitor passes. Because all of a sudden, they magically have visitor tags. And I'm like, why were you signing in?

The world is over. It'd be great if, like, I can fix the computer all you have to. I'm not listening to you. I don't see a badge. I don't. Is there someone talking to me? I can't hear them. I don't see a red badge.

Andrew, are we barbarians? Do we not believe in protocol? I was trying to be cool and hanging off the bottom of him by shirt, but then it fell off in the scuffle. Well, I guess the world will have to end because I don't see proper documentation, little boy. Probably because they like the check-in desk with Saddam Hussein or something. I imagine he's in the underground prison at this point. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, so like, shit's going really, really, really bad.

And like, Falkin is like, listen, general, I guarantee you, if you wait for this nuclear attack that is imminent, nothing is going to happen. And they call up this hillbilly that I'm there. I don't even know who this dude is. I think it's a trio of hillbilly. That's all of them. I'm in my burlap sack uniform, general. I don't hear no missile. It's the entire cast of varsity blues on the phone.

I don't want your military conundrum. I don't see no nukes in the sky. Well, geez, my teeth ain't falling out. I guess we ain't been bombed. That's how it is. That's literally you're listening to these hill folk describe not being bombed. God, they told us the world was in and Billy Bob done shot himself

on the football field after all. Now, all the people from Justified Season 2 are waiting for waiting for word. Well, no, everyone in the holler is accounted for us and we're all good here.

We're still here, General. Oh, my God. That is the crazy thing, right? Is he calls these three different, like, nuke bases or whatever, and he's like, all right, listen up. we have no way to tell if this is real. So in 20 seconds,

y'all will either be dead or not. So just please stay on the line. And after 20 seconds goes by, if you're still on the line, just say present. And then like the 20 seconds passes and then it's just like, well, scoot, shit, General,

I'm still alive. I can't even believe it. I still exist. Praise me. And then there's this joyous elation. Oh, my God, everything's done. But, uh-oh. Now Joshua has the missiles and he's going to do it.

And, you know, uh, Dabby Coleman goes to this general. I was like, we can't stop the system. It's, uh, it's just what it is. And the general's like, well, pardon me, but your system checks. Such a great delivery. And then he's like, I don't need to take that from you. And I mean, like this, imagine saying this at work. Yeah.

I don't need to take that from you. You pig-eyed. sack of shit. Wow. The world's ending anyway. That's a really good point. Yeah, we're going to go to hell tonight. I'm going to tell my boss how I feel.

I've been thinking about this, General. Your eyes do look like that of a pigs. And your body resembles that of a sack of shit. It's like someone got a sack of shit, took out the eyes of a pig, and put it on it. I don't know if they're making a voice for it or not. but it's ugly. Yeah, that's DefCon 1 shit, dude.

That's what you say on Deptcon 1. Yep. Yep. DefCon 5's like, you're a jerk. DefCon 1 is you're a pigout sack of shit.

Since we're on Mick, Kit Trick again, not to backtrack too much or anything, but there was a great moment in this film where he's chewing a piece of gum and he gets it,

he takes it out of his mouth and he hands it to his assistant, this woman, who then puts it in her mouth and starts chewing it. Yep. That is, That is an implied sexual relationship

If I've ever seen one She's just my work wife, honey She's listen She's honey honey She's just my garbage mouth at work Hey darling Keep this gum soft for me will you I gotta go save the world

I don't like wasting gum Try that Try that corporation's got enough In my money already Yeah if you don't keep Continuously chewing it It goes bad great gobs of goose shit boy this gum has lost its flavor

and yes we have not yet been new um and by the yeah so dr falcon walks in and it's just like a professor professor falcon is like no it's all fake stop it you're stupid it's it's fake this guy speaking of pigs dude this guy's a pig and shit he's got the biggest like i told you so smirk on his face this whole time he walks in just like oh hello there general

miss me oh mr mickick your wife still choosing your tie and I'm like we are seconds away from being cinders asshole but no they're just phantoms and then the general's like they're ghosts there's a ghost army about

my god we're fighting a ghost army now oh oh resputin's magic worked it's done magic oh my golly protocol slimer initiated holy man who can save us

now is the holy ghost Got to fight ghost with ghosts. Oh, no. It's the Scolari brothers. I've fried him for murder. Well, it's clear what we have to do now. We have to get a hacker priest in here. Yes.

Hacker priest. Hacker priest. Hacker priest. Are you into it? I don't know. Oh, I see you have a problem here. You have a demonic, a demonic whopper. I am here to stop it.

This floppy disk has enough holy water on it. Just clean your system. The 56K Kilobod Pus second power of Christ compels you. Modem jokes. Crucifix.ex.ex. Oh shit. Yeah. Get Clint Howard in there, dude.

Oh, right. Evil speak. Yeah. Great film. Evil speak. Haunted computer versus haunted computer. There's also pigs in that. Definitely pigs in that movie. Totally. Joshua.

Joshua. Talk to me now. please stop talking about how Gallagher is torturing you. Oh, no. You know what? We got a clock that gives you how long we've been on stage. I've been waiting for the Gallagher appearance. It's been an hour and 24 minutes, folks. So, you know, I mean, I can do what St. Peter does, Mark.

It's a sad day in America. The Reaper comes for us all. And when, listen, I'll tell you right, I had this exact thought, okay? Oh. live your life so that when you die everybody reacts the way we reacted when Kevin Conroy passed away

and not when fucking Gallagher died okay one is a tragedy and one I'll just forget it out in a week look I'm just gonna say it's just it's a little it's a little much to be throwing

at the original king of produce comedy all right the guy was an innovator with that hammer okay here's the thing you know we're a fan of funny tombstones. Sure. Right. Jack Lemon,

still to this day, has the absolute best one. Jack Lemmon's real life tombstone just says Jack Lemon in. Right? That's fucking great. Gallagher Memorial.

It's just a watermelon with no name on it. Everybody knows. Everybody knows who's there. A concrete watermelon. Yeah, that would be beautiful. Do you think in hell, like as the ironic punishment,

there's some fucking demon just crack in that dude's skull with a sledgehammer? Like over and over again. And it's a demon that's shaped like a watermelon. Yes, yeah. Yes. So you like to smash Wonderbellage, do you?

Curse blood. Curse platt. No, the torturers. He just has to watch all of his 31 HBO specials on repeat. I can't believe we're besmirching a pioneer of comedy up here. You know, he might have buttered corn, too. Yeah, he probably did. He was a produce guy.

He probably smashed some corn in his day. Oh, that's way too much butter on that bread, though. That's disgusting. So whatever. The son of a bitch. Look at why that guy's butter and that bread, that's son of a bitch. The world is ending and the general is like, you know what? Let's stop talking about Gallagher is what he said.

No, the general is like, you know what? Let's get like our birds in the air. I guess it's kind of like this thing of like, well, we're in it now. We might as well duke the fuck out of the Soviet Union. Sure. Look, I already turned the countdown on. What do you want me to do? Turn it off.

Right, because now like Joshua is trying to get all the codes and all that shit. Yeah. Well, and fucking Professor Falcon very clearly knows what to do. Yep. He's so, like, he's in his, he's smirking. Every time the fucking camera cuts to him, he's like, he knows it's tick-tac-toe, but he allows fucking. Because this is a teaching moment as the world is ending. The Socratic method to the fucking end.

Well, yes. of course, I could teach a man to fish. You know what I mean? I could give them the fish now and end nuclear annihilation. But if they learn how to do it themselves, they'll never ask me again. It's not just for Matthew Broder. It's also for Al-Sheedies. They are my students.

Yeah, and like, he's like, come on, Broderick, put it together. He's like, Tick-Tac-toe, remember that? The unwinnable game. because he has this conversation with Ali Shidi on his dinosaur island and is like Yeah, they go to fucking Island Nublar Absolutely.

When did you stop playing Tick, Taktow? And Alishita's like, well, I remember exactly when that was. I'm like, no, you don't. It was a fall afternoon in 1980. Back at the house, they're just wandering around.

They find its huge manuscript. Dinosaur land. That's mine. Don't touch it. very valuable one day a young boy named Clifford will love to go there

but so like yeah so they're like hey let's open up the game's vertical this is the famous tic-tac sequence

and I mean I will say the end of this movie is really fucking cool you know what I mean like all credit to the end of the movie

it's but here's the thing now but imagine this alternate universe because I agree with you but okay imagine this scene's playing out and you've got some

like banger super synthi bassy bassy John Carpenter like blah blah blah like really tension building shit instead of like

a fucking Labor Day parade or something shit. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. The world might end. You don't want the end of the world to go with Yankee doodle dandy. I do not. I need the fucking vibes to be a little more on the level.

A little bit more somber. I understand that. Don't fuck with me. It's no time for patriotism, man. The world is ending. It goes through all of the tic-tac-toe iterations. Then it goes into the global thermonuclear work. iterations and it starts to try

all of these different variations. Oh, you got some there, these are such fun things. I wish the names alone are so fun. I wish all this happened. Now, keep in mind as he's reading this list, these are conflicts that would end the world theoretically.

US first strike, that sounds right. That sounds our first strike. That's probably the one that's going to be the real nail in the coffin. The Hong Kong variant. Cuban provocation. Atlantic.

heavy as which as I've known around Atlantic City I'm singing a song Atlantic Avenue oh here it comes Iceland maximum

Arabian theater worldwide US subversion the Australian maneuver oh I think I did that one time pulled a hamstring

but it was worth it Sudan surprise which is a lovely musical you should see some time they actually had to stop putting it up dude, because it's a really racist musical age.

Mexican takeover. And one of my favorites. I mean, this is going on. I'm not going for all of them. Chad alert. Because he's coming to steal your girl, ladies and gentlemen. He is coming to steal your girl. They left out the best one is the Maldovan sneak.

Yeah. I assume the Chad thing is he nukes the Virgin Islands. Yeah. That's Pakistan sovereignty. What the fuck is that? I'm sorry. Yeah, I can go on and on, folks. We think we're good here or what?

Yeah. Did you get to the butter maneuver yet? I did not get to the butter maneuver. Okay. The tiny tit offensive, is that one on there? Polish decoy. That's right there. Oh, we got our own Polish decoy.

That's right. Oh, my God, they pulled the Polish decoy on me. Couldn't sit down for a week. It's the hardest one to do. So finally, of course, it all, like, buzzes out. Everything goes black and it comes up. And, of course, Joshua's still stuck in hell computer. Speaks to his father once more and says, I guess there's no point in doing thermonuclear war.

We should just go back to the war where we just slaughter 22-year-olds by the millions. Good old-fashioned war, not the new stuff. No, thank you. Let's stick with this. I hated war's new stuff. Let's just stick with the classics. How about a nice game of Gulf War I and two? Play the hits.

How about a friendly round of endless Middle East theater? No, it's how about a nice game of chess? That's an iconic line of folks. Sure, for sure. Yeah. And smartly, John Badham gets really quick out of there as soon as this is done. Damny Coleman, who has had his fucking pedal to the medal to end the world, he needs to get punched in the face or like a cake needs to fall on him.

Or like somebody's like, put that man in chains or something, right? Yeah. Or actually, so maybe like one rocket goes off. Yeah. And he's like strapped to it. Not bad. But it's not armed. They just like launch it out into the ocean.

You know what I mean? He gets to mus, uh, Matthew Broderick's hair like, you little rascal. I'm like, you hated each other. What the fuck is this? And also Matthew Broderick and Ali Shee, they're dead.

They're being killed. This is going to be covered up. Oh, absolutely. Thank you for helping us save the world. But as you know, no one can find out

how close we came to total annihilation. The U.S. government does it all the time. Every day. Oh, dude, the return of Michael Batson in this movie. He's got a silencer pistol? Fuck, yes.

A plus plus. Yes. That's right, dude, because you see. set up that Michael Madsen's got a gun at the beginning of this movie? Yeah. That weird, gravelly voice motherfucker better be firing it at the end. Absolutely. He's got

like little booties on his feet like Mark Wahlberg and they're departing. All right, do it. Just do it. F fact. He kills his butter eating dad too just for it. I mean, that's definitely happening. I'm going to get to you before the

fucking Landau Lakes does. He takes the top of it as he walks out. It's pretty good. I'll take some of this home. Dude, and at the end of the movie, it's just like Matthew Broderick's bedroom window and you look out and see Seattle and his little computer monitors right there

and then like a little rat just curls across. Oh, yeah. No, we're not making Pruno in this jail. We're making butter in the bathtub. Oh, bathtub butter, dude. Now we're talking. Just to sustain them. The quickest weight of food poisoning.

Bathtub butter. You just got to pick the hairs out of your teeth when you're done. Delicious, folks. Yeah, but you're right, Steve. Like a fucking farter in an elevator, John Batham gets right out of this movie. The credits come up before anyone can catch win.

Directed by John Batham, everybody put your coats on. Even though the camera's still in Norad, they're still like woo-hooing and fucking hair musseling, like Fallon Trump shit, you know? But if the credits just start rolling They're like, you know, we know you want to leave All right, you don't have to stay for this shit

They're not going to do nothing No, none of these people are going to jail or being killed, sorry Sad to say Not even James Tolkien And that's war games, ladies and gentlemen That's film war games That was a war game So unfortunately we got to start wrapping it up

but we want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Thank you. Thank you. It has been a hot time in your fair town. I'll tell you that much. Big thing, Comedy Works for having us. By the way, tip generously, folks, when you're paying for all them mozzarella sticks

and whatever you've been eating, tip generously. That's right. These are hard times. And speaking of hard times, people who are always falling on hard times, the people who write the user reviews on the IMDB user review section.

some of the most dangerous loaners you'll ever encounter online you know absent of like fucking 4chan and shit people who cut the fucking tether from reality long ago

so here we go we got a couple to end the evening for you here 10 out of 10 stars the film that started it all for many of us what?

What the boy nipples is that was that That's how it starts, dude. When I first saw this film, I had a little boy nips. Written by Riptick. Rip what? A writ tick. Okay, got it.

Yeah, and I was wishing that it was rippedic. Should I know this name? What? Should I know that name or? No. That's just the username. Written. It's just this deranged loner that wrote this.

All right. 14th January 2003. Not Peter Thiel. For many people in the hacking community, community war games. Yeah, the hacking community folks. For many people in the hacking community, war games was the film

that gave us the first insight into the magic of hacking. Can I just let this gentleman and anyone else in the audience know using Kazad does not make you a fucking hacker? No. So that time you spent two weeks downloading a bootleg of the two towers

that wasn't hacking. that was not that was wasting my life was that was that where was that Lord of the Rings or loose change no it was oh wow congratulations sir for knowing that it took me two weeks to download the movie dream catcher oh shit okay can I just point out that so total stranger remembered our personal history better than I did yeah shows what a fucking friend you are this guy's my new buddy he didn't even fucking remember I was too I spend weeks using that bandwidth to show him

I dot it said he don't even remember You could host the show dude He's slipping He doesn't know that it's Donnie Walberg's best work No that's that's soft form Oh yeah fair This film is so important that it gave the technique war dialing its name.

Excuse me. Oh, you guys big war dialers out there back the 80s? You fucking up them phone lines out there? Yeah. Can you just like add that to anything now? I'm war eating. Oh, I've been war eating my whole life. You're not talking about the butter scene again.

We can't go back. Only forward. let's see here War Games has a perfect script stunning special effects which I mean I don't know what the fucking screen by nor the special effects

the Oscars agreed with that person by the way it was fucking nominated for best screen play yes yes obscene should show some respect Chris absolutely under no circumstances it's the academy Chris

also best cinematic It's photography. Eat me. Wait. Shut up for a second. Because there's another one that's even fucking dumber. A lot of, you know, you guys are like hunters and stuff. Anyone got a trink gun for this guy? All right.

Look, the last, all right, he thinks the script is perfect. Okay. He thinks the special effects are stunning. Sure. But he also thinks the soundtrack is great. To which I ask, what soundtrack? Did you mean the Sousa score? Are there songs in this?

There's no pop tunes in the movie, man. I don't remember any. This is what I'm telling you, folks, deranged loners writing on the internet. Maybe he liked the theme to the news program that the parents were watching. Oh, yeah. But da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha-ha.

Or Gallagga. That's fun. Noises from the video game, Gallagher, not Gallagher. Gallagher noise. They're like, ow, I'm in hell. We quit poking me. Let's see.

Great soundtrack, yada, yada. It will go down in history as a cinematic gem. Now, I should play how this guy's ending it like it's the Rudolph, the red nose right here. But here's the thing. This movie came out in 1983. Yeah. His motherfucker is writing the review two decades later and saying, at some point in the future

it's going down in history. I guess we just haven't caught up to it yet. Well, after the nuclear strikes and we're developing out of the wasteland Oh, sure. We've got like freak brains and whatnot. You're like, yeah, this is great cinema. I kind of liked it.

Oh, no, you know, check my letterbox. Three stars. Okay. Final line, miss it at your peril. Whoa. All right, jigsaw, what do you say, dude? It's Francis Dollar Hyde. Matthew Broderick hacking into NORAD.

Do you see? Hello, David. Coming in to my cell with your bad t-shirt, your cheap tennis shoes. Well, yes, I'm close friends with Joshua. All right, we got one more for you this evening. Badly dated. And totally unbelievable. Written by Preppy 3.

Zach Morris. October the 10th, 2003 also. There's a big year for watching this movie, I guess. Two lunatics just watching it at 2 o'clock at the morning on the T&T. That makes total sense. It's when we started the fucking Iraq war. We started bombing Baghdad. You got to start looking up.

Was it on the list? Was it on the list? Oh, wow. We're bombing Baghdad. I remember in war games. That guy looks like Saddam Hussein. Better put on war games. Oh, don't you remember in war games?

The Baghdad surprise. That's one of the ones on the list. The Saddam Hussein Memorial screening of war games. They played it at the palace, dude. Absolutely. Right for the collapse statue. Three out of ten stars. It's pretty poor.

Yeah. It's pretty poor. It's still like a failing grade, Steve, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty poor. You know, I'm going to hack that IMDB and change it to an A. Someone hacked the war games user reviews And all the one stars went to 10

And then all the FBI shows up And manhandles me Okay, here we go from Preppy 3 A computer geek teenager Breaks into a secure government database And almost starts World War 3 Are the secures in italics Or is that just you editorializing?

What, no, quotes Oh, quote, okay, there's right. Yeah, no, he says secure Oh, okay. Matthew Broderick is so young in this movie. He's got little boy nipples. Eric wrote this review. I forgot the thing.

Oh, go ahead. No, no, I just forgot. I gave it a low grade by mistake. I just imagine that guy that we saw the street the other day. Like, he puts his daughter down to Ben. He's just like, well, Mary Beth, I think we have to talk to Emily tomorrow about what she heard today. What's you here? This guy, this Hulk.

blonde man was screaming about little boy nipples. But he might have just been a Polish decoy. Something bigger might be happening. All right, honey. We're going to watch some early Zach Efron movies. And I'm going to explain to you about little boy nipples. People love little boy nipples, first of all. For sure. Before the cops are called. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. So,

Matthew Browder is so young in this movie, M-Dash, it's almost incredible to see him. It is almost incredible to see him in this movie. Almost. It's not incredible to see him in this movie, but it is almost incredible. I'd agree with that. Unfortunately, his acting isn't that good.

He seems ill at ease most of the time. However, Ali Sheedy, as his girlfriend, is fun. Peeling. Oh, yeah. She's so appealing. Wait, wait, wait. Did you see the scene where she was jogging?

Wait a second. See what you can do with this, though, dude. Because, yeah, she's fun. Yeah, she's appealing. But also, she's full of life. Oh, my God. There's so much life in her. Good morning, sunshine.

I love you. I'm 49 years. old. Too bad the movie is such a mess. This movie was made when nuclear war was a real threat and the Soviets were considered totally evil. Going to swing you right

round, baby, right round like a record player round, round, round, round. To be fair, the Soviet Union really comes out okay in this movie. They're like heroes of the film. What the fuck is going on over there? Why are you at Def God? one we're relaxing over here.

Chill the fuck out, dude. Our leaders keep dying. Could you please stop calling us about fake attacks? All right, first of all right, I'm going to go through it. One, Rasputin is not back. I promise you that. Rasputin is totally dead. Two, we definitely do not have invisible missile.

I guarantee no invisible missile. I mean, Lugash give kingdom for invisible missile, if I'm being quite honest. Blue Sky Missile completely. conspiracy theory. There's not enough paint in Soviet Union to paint over every missile sky blue. Blood red on the other hand.

Yes, we can do that. They got blood red and gray. Blab-bottie-blah. It touched a nerve back then. Today it comes across as a period piece. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

It comes across. No. I'm just going to say no All right How about this? Oh, the Russians come up They're kind of okay in this Oh

Also, the computer graphics are laughably dated and I loved the dial telephones. Cool. I find something wrong in any movie where a kid

almost starting a world war is seen as being cute and clever for doing it. In real, life, this kid would still be in jail. That's one of those, like, the worst person you know makes a good point things. This was a huge hit with kids. It's easy to see why.

All the adults come across is total idiots. Broderick and Sheedy are always more intelligent than they are. A particularly bad character is General Jack Berenger, played by Barry Corbyn. He's always swearing and saying stupid things, which are guaranteed to get huge laughs from kids. And he's fat, too. the fuck is right what the fuck I'm telling you it's a rain shit

It's been 20 years I'm going to call somebody Fat on the internet Take that old man You fat fuck You look like shit In no country for old men too I mean he kind of looks like

A pig-eyed sack of shit That's gonna be on his tombstone Here lies a pig-eyed sack of shit. Okay. I'm giving this a three-star review only for Ali Sheedy. Oh my God.

And this is how we cover our creptacular line. She's my angel. And some nice direction by John Batam. Otherwise, it's a dated, silly, and stupid little movie. But Ali Sheedy? Jesus Christ, man.

Oh, my God. Allie Sheedy. Oh, my. Wait, rewind that part. Oh, God. Stop spying on your daughter's slumber parties, you maniac. Go home somewhere else. Yikes.

But Ali Sheedy? Yeah, three stars. We've been Wee Hey Movies from New York City, Denver. Thank you. Thanks so much for coming out. You've all been awesome. We will see you next time. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine. Six o'clock TV hour, don't get caught, four, tire, slash, and burn, return. Listen to yourself, churn.

That was a headgum podcast.