We Hate Movies - S13 Ep693: Universal Soldier (Live in Phoenix)

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Recorded 11.17.22 at CB Live in Phoenix, AZ On the final Summer Break episode of the year, the guys were live in Phoenix to chat about the grenade-throwing action spectacular, Universal Soldier! What was the squib budget on this fantastic picture? What’s the smell situation with these undead soldiers? Would the UniSol program have been popular with the U.S. public like the Ghostbusters? Why did this movie never decide whether these guys were zombies or robots? And do these modified soldiers have grenades where their genitals should be? PLUS: The IN-STUDIO finale of this season’s VHS Trailer Game!  Universal Soldier stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Ally Walker, Ed O’Ross, Leon Rippy, Ralf Moeller, ‘Tiny’ Lister Jr., Rance Howard, and Jerry Orbach as Dr. Christopher Gregor; directed by Roland Emmerich. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, starting as low as $2 a month! We’ll be releasing new Patreon content all throughout August, so it’s the perfect time to join! Be sure to get in early and get your tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza where we’re talking The Santa Clause! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Skeleton Juice, Spring Tour 2023, KONG & DILF Den designs!

POMAYOR. SOTOMAYOR. WHILEEN SULLIV. WHILEEN SULLIV. I don't know. The ...wee... ...with...

...with... ...with... ...and... ...the... ...he... ...the... So this is it, folks. This is the last live episode of our summer break.

And then we'll be brought back from the dead to pod once again. That's right. of us our soldier ears on your necklace Oh I like this Weird Al Yankovic should have done that Totally Weird Al Yankovic gets canceled

We're doing blackface Like you didn't need to do that I thought I needed to do a music video You know Visiting Jerry Orbach See there you go God I forgot that brief 14 seconds That Jerry Orbach is in Universal Soldier

Fuckin up a diner The flunger, you're the bad guy JCVD good guy All right, let's not get crazy Let's not get crazy But I would you know This is the grand finale of our little summer session We call these

We had a lot of fun A lot of fun on these But I think people have been expecting me To play really quickly Coming soon to theater Oh yeah It's the grand finale of the V8 just trailer game. I am

the Jame master and these are my clues. You got the whole crew here. We are. I don't know if anyone caught that birdcage episode a couple of weeks back. Oh yeah. But if you were doing some math, things have shifted dramatically in the standings. Oh, see.

Don't worry. You're still playing the Caribbean enthusiasm theme song for me. Yeah, I mean, some people that are dramatic and some people here are a little bit so Andrew as he just mentioned, now, now has 40 points. He got two big ones from the bird cage. Nice. He's

a firm third place, but still I will say there's enough points on the board for Andrew to win. I will say that. Look at that. Chris is now in second place. Yeah. Oh. He got only five points for the bird cage which gave him a final total

of 54 points. And now Eric will be your regular season champion as we're now going into the playoffs as you understand. Of course. Of course. 56 big points. He got 10 points on that birdcage episode that he desperately needed.

Well, you know, the people that desperately need the cabin merchandise, they'll be getting that in the mail because I won the pennant or whatever. Exactly. You got an Eastern Conference champion T-shirt. That's right. I see your loyalties have shifted, Stephen. There have not, I have no loyalties.

I am the omnipotent game match, Jame Master. Apologies. Is he really omnipotent? Yeah, I know everything. all right we'll leave it in for now but we're going to have the team look into that

so I am going to do my best to keep up and keep scored at the end of this I'll crown a champion and we will find out what episode we will be redoing

which will be our first episode of next week of next season 14 season 14 which is next week that is next week that's super exciting

fucking unbelievable so as you know I'm going to ask a series of questions the first The first one to buzz in gets it. But if you can't buzz in twice for the same round, yada, yada, yada. You know how this shit goes.

Yes. Just an FYI. This first round and the next round as well are off the Universal Soldier VHS tape that came out in 1992. Okay. Set your brain to 1992. Sure. It's usually there anyway. Yeah.

Okay. Here we go. Round one. Game Masters Clue. Fuck. A critically lauded low-fi Indeat. slow burner that got some recent reappraisal now that its director

is back to his man at a desk with a notebook schick. This one's about a sensitive drug dealer. Eric Cisker. Light sleeper for five. Big points. Paul Schrader. I can't believe that was on this. It's insane that someone is going to buy Universal

Soldier and then watch Light Sleeper after it. It's insane. Good for them if they do though. So you wanted to watch Universal Soldier. I'm What happens sacks of Susan Chirandis? He has a sensitive drug.

Run some drugs uptown first before universal soldier snacks. Is that okay? That movie is excellent, by the way. I love incredible movie. I think even like, I really like Constant Gardner. Yeah.

Master Gardner. I look like Master Gardner. And I liked Cardcair. All that stuff. I mean, first reform is probably, it's a coin flip. First Informant Light Sliper is the best

of those movies. Light Sleper, It might be my favorite straighter movie period. It's really, really good. Okay, here we go. Round two. Everybody get their hands ready. On them buzzers.

Get it off my crotch. Game Masters Clue. Of course. An appropriately violent debut for one of the most important directors of the 1990s set to some super 70s, Andrew Jupin. Reservoir dogs. That is Reservoir Dogs for five big points for Andrew Jupin. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. See you next season. My mind was going El Mariah for a second. Oh, yeah, that could have been. The set to the super sound of the 70s was the real like, yeah. By the way, this has never been

officially released in the trivia trivia. It has never been. For reservoir dogs? Yes, it has never been officially released in South Korea as it's illegal to portray torture or the torture or killing of police officers.

Oh, come on. What about undercover cops? Yeah, that's true. Is it good in North Korea? Oh, the guy that gets his ear cut off is openly back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, listen to me, Marvin Nash.

They're never going to see this in North Korea, South Korea. You're going to be fine. We all know about you, sir. All right, round to now, sorry, now for round three and four. We're setting your clocks to 1999 for Universal Soldier, The Return. Oh, Jesus. Uh-oh. Okay, round three, Game Masters, Kalu.

Yeah. A comedy action hybrid deal. that has an ex-convict pretending to be a cop to find his secret stash from years before. Game Masters Chris Cabin.

Blue Streak. It is Blue Streak for five big points. Wow, look at us. I love everybody's everybody's on the top of their game. Unreal. Titans are playing each other. Where are they playing?

Is that the Martin Lawrence movie? It is. Yes. It was between that and National Security. Yeah. This is the one where he said... Is it him and Tim Robbins?

No, this is, that's nothing but trouble. This is, Martin Lawrence is a, is a convict who's a jewel thief. He stashes his diamond before he gets arrested. And oops, they turned the place where he stashed into a police station. And to get it and he has to pretend to be a cop, yada, yada, yada. You said nothing but trouble. You said you were omnipotent. That movie is nothing to lose.

Oh, of course. Wow, that's subtracting five points. Pulling the curtain back, do you? God damn You're just a little guy in a voting booth Making a bunch of smoke and mirrors Pretty pretty damn close Pretty fun movie that Nothing to Lose

Yeah nothing to lose Was actually super fun Okay I saw that in theaters Me too That's him and Tim Robbins Yeah this is him and Luke Wilson Is the other guy

Right Oh wow Yeah All right round four It's still in 1999 Game Masters Clue an immature slacker gets

saddled with a little kid in a smash hit comedy that likely did a lot to the late 66 approval I saw Andrew first. Big Daddy? It is Big Daddy. Yeah, I knew that too.

Yes, and Eric was right behind him. I was on your heels. Working trivia, trivia, by the way. Working title was Guy gets kid. Uh-huh. Well, that's what working titles are for. And thank God it was changed. Also the working title of Sound of Freedom.

yes GGK2 I guess that's the end of the game Oh wait Let me just open my tray Real quickly This is DVD Oh

Yeah it's the DVD trailer game Where the media is smaller The tracks might skip And the points are doubled Oh boy Here we go This is just set up to make me lose

You're doing this to fuck to quote Tarantino. It's a fun bonus game Eric Siska. Okay. Three rounds here, by the way. And each one will be a

movie that we did this last season that certainly came out on DVD. The trailer is from. So from RIPD from 2013. Wow. That's rough.

So that's it. And obviously points are doubled to just an FYI. So even if you're not, you might be clever to be like, I don't know what this is and no one's buzzing in, but I'll, I'll wait for the next thing because I'll still get eight or six points. Interesting. Okay. Just a way to think. A second. A bit of the strategy.

Some strategy here. Game Masters clue. The end of a trilogy of sorts, this finds five friends at a bar crawl that turns to Eric Siska. At world's end. It is, take that one more time. The world's end. The world's it. Oh,

you. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. I guess I was thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean. I guess the title in there is. Now, you know what? You got to give it to them. Are you sure? Well, because what are we going to do? You can't just, we know. We don't have a new one. Yeah, we all know the answer. Okay, why to take some points off of it then? Because you're doubling everything. I'll give you a havesy. How does that sound? Sure. Five points. Sure. Halvese and then a handy. I'm already, I'm already well ahead of these chumps. Yes. No, I don't know. Not necessarily. Um, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, no,

that's okay. This is fine. I think that that's, this is going to be the controversial thing. I know. Controversial ruling. This is, they're going to be talking about this in sports history. Exactly. There's going to be a 30 for 30. Just four fat guys literally in a room, one with three loose leafness of paper. And then what they didn't realize was once that door opened again, the four of them would be changed forever. All right. So, all right. I will now be.

All right. Sorry. No, no, we're good. We're good. So game. So this is, this is now from Saw 4 everybody was that. Okay. 2007. Yeah. Fuck. Game Master's Clue. This sequel to an 80s action

mainstay was directed by its franchise star and up to the stakes with insane violence and enough HGH to show for us. Rambo. It is Rambo and that's the correct answer. Wow. Yeah, 2008's Rambo. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

And that was just called Rambo. That was in the clear. Yes. Heroes never tagline. heroes never die. They just reload. By the way, we have a fun commentary on that movie of watching all those people explode, right? Oh, yeah. Just people pop and left and right.

Patreon.com slash we had movies for that Rambo 2008 commentary track. Eric, you got it, I think. That just seems to... We don't know. Well, we'll see. That's anyone's game. He's got, who the hell knows, there might be a goddamn beta max round. Oh, dude.

Excellent. Laser disc round. This is actually the final clue of the whole Dang season here. 10 big points still on the board from Vast and Furious Tokyo Drift, 2006. Okay. That's kind of around where we are.

Okay. Game Masters Klu. A comedy horror film that was a stepping stone for a writer-director who came from incredibly gory beginnings, which helped him move on to some of the big franchise movies. Fear not, though, this movie is plenty gross. Andrewvin.

The frightners? It is not the frighten. I was thinking the same thing. A comedy horror film that was a stepping into Chris Cabin. Slither? It is slither for 10 big points. You're James Gunn's sliver.

Never saw it actually. Not bad. If you like the really gross body horror stuff, it's fun. The whole ad campaign was like a fat guy in a bathtub. I'm like, buddy, I got a mirror. I think it was a, wasn't it a lady? It's a lady. It's a lady.

Something's wrong with me. And then I was like, you know, buddy, I got a mirror because, you know, I got a lady in the tub with me. I got a lady in the tub with me. I got a worm breeding. inside my stomach as well. And it's just been doing that. How do you think I snagged her? I go after the wormed.

Steve's doing math. He's doing calculations. Yeah. Calculations are happening. Come on. Apparently there is no HD DVD round, no Blu-ray round. Sorry, this is all tension, isn't it? This is ridiculous.

Sure. This is a Catholic school education right here. I just want to double check and not be fucked up. That's true. All right. All right. So final standings. Yeah.

This is a huge deal, guys. This is huge. And I will, so Andrew came in with a respectable 50 points. Picked up 10 big points in this game. There we go. Chris Cabin is in second place with a sexy 69 points. Ooh, nice. The best score of all times.

And Eric Siska has 76 points. And in case you're wondering that five points really wouldn't have, we're okay. If you take it out completely, I would have still won. Oh, he's fine. Yeah. It's all fine. Oh, boy. it is, the tick or take her. I just like to thank not the, not you. No, definitely not. I would like to

thank myself. Of course. And the, the real heads out there that were supporting me from the start that knew I could do it. You know, there were a lot of people that doubted me, Chris Gavin, along the way. You should thank Steve for deciding to stop, you know, rigging it. Yeah, stop giving season. You should, you should be thanking him for that one. He did it just for you. So this is, okay, so you got it. You're admitting. you have an asterisk by every one win you had. So this is the first legitimate win. Yes, everything is up in contention now.

Now with the World Zet thing, that's an asterisk too. Like, everybody's got an asterisk. Okay. Well, I think everyone can stay tuned for next week while we cover a movie that even Chris Cabin wanted to cover.

I know. We are going to redo Star Wars episode one, The Phantom Menace. I mean, like who was even going to think it was going to be another one. And it's going to be a bit of a real appraisal for me. I think I actually like it more next.

than I did then. I always hated it. But now I kind of like it more. So we'll see what happens. Second favorite prequel. How about that? The last time we did it, there's now been like, I don't know,

15 years of like more Star Wars. There's been so much more Star Wars. Quite a lot. Disaster. Yeah. Our original episode on it was from 2012, I believe. Wow.

Yes, 11 years of Star Wars that has changed. 11 years in the making from then till this moment of victory. And be correct. Know this now. We are going to repeat some jokes. get ready for it

shut your mouth right now nobody listen to the episode sure there you go I can't do that anyway it's terrifying but like we don't want to be doing that can I say what mine was going to be please because I think we'd be having

fun in the studio all the same Judge Dread oh yeah yeah we're going to do judge dread because we could have more talk of actual dread as well because we're yeah I'm not sure if we're ever doing

we're getting way closer to you know oh you mean the movie dread yeah I thought we're just moving more as a society. We're recording this in August. I thought I was at the cursed earth when I left my fucking house. Jesus. God.

Sweating. Folks, listen to this. Sweeting when you get out of the shower. So you towel off, you know, and then all of a sudden you just start getting wet again. Yeah. I hate it. It's like your whole body's just pissing nonstop. At that point, you just want Scott Wilson and his buddies to take you apart and eat your fucking flesh. And speaking of all of the

that. There's one more prize for Eric Siska. He gets to go into the cameo slush fund. So next week you will hear a redone episode at Star Wars of the Phantom Menace and here, whomever Eric has chosen for the cameo. Wow, yeah. Well, we'll see.

It should be, I don't know. Damn, I got a lot to think about it. I wonder if it should be Star Wars adjacent because I would bet five bucks that Peter Sarah Finowitz is on cameo. Oh, sure, yeah. I bet they all are. The voice of Darth Mall. Oh, there's plenty. I'm sure they're all out there.

But, you know, don't, don't, there's all, I'm sure there's other bunch of WHM, uh, lovable character still on, poking around there. Maybe, maybe Jim Caviesel is on there. I'll have to cross-reference all their rap sheets to make sure we don't get in trouble. Absolutely. Eric, your win at the VHS trailer game is itself a sound of freedom. That's right. For many of us. The game master, the cruel game master had children in crates that I'm now, I am now able to unlock this. This was the whole, what it was, this was all about. This was all about the whole time was trying to win this game to free those children that Chris was complicit in their cabs.

Oh, of course. Yeah. I have to do that. You see, I have to do that to do against it. I have to be of them to take them down. That's right. You've got to think like them by being them. Guess what?

News in from the internet. I found the actual sound of freedom. Oh, really? You ready for this? Yeah, sure, please. It's a part. Come on. I found it.

You dug through all the internet. So also, by the way, next week, you do want to come back not just for the reappraised brand new episode in Star Wars episode one, the fan of the men of the not only to hear who Eric chooses as a cameo, but there's a big Patreon announcement coming. up next week as well. Yes, major, major news next week on many levels. Yes, that's right. So until then, gang, thank you for letting us have this summer reprieve. It's necessary literally every year. And we are so stoked to be back better than ever with season 14 just next week.

But until then, enjoy this live episode from Phoenix, Arizona. It was a great club. What the fuck was it called CB Live? That sounds right. Great club, great staff, great audience here. audience second to none. Beautiful people. My first time in Arizona, I loved it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great time.

Managed to avoid all the political whack jobs. It was great. But here we go talking Universal Soldier. This is back November of 2022. Yeah. So keep that in mind because who knows what kind of dated comments are there. So there you go. We'll see you next week. Folks. Enjoy. Bye-bye. Now, I want to the times there. Oh! Now, there's going to be a little bit of a test.

Now, there's going to be a little bit of a test later on, Because, you know, Universal Soldier sold over $40 million in tape sales, but also sold 160,000 units. Wow. How much was each tape? $100 each, according to that thing, $95 for a tape of a Universal Soldier. That'd be great. Phoenix, what is happening?

Hello. Oh, shit. Boy, we are thrilled to see you all here tonight. for the final show of the year. Yeah, take that down. Thank you. They can photograph Chris Cabin's beautiful face. Look at that.

Don't you wish you could take it home and shoot it in the backyard? You better bury me, you fuck. Don't see me out there. I swear to God, Eric, you're haunted. The crows are hungry, Chris. You don't care about crows. I like worms, too.

Well, do you like worms? Fine. How many of all are familiar with the show we run on the internet? All right. For any newbies joining of this evening, welcome to the potty pal. Apologies. Apologies out the gate.

We are a comedy show that takes a good, bad, or otherwise movie and uses it as a talking point to jump off. And I got to tell you, Universal Soldier, for this guy right here, maybe a little creaky hand WLM if you know what you're saying.

Oh, yes. Because sometimes it's just nice to take a one-way drive to Stupid City. When you enjoy a Roland Emrick picture, you've got to hold on to that. You really have to love that, because Independence Day and this, is that it? Yeah, I mean, because he just started

getting into, like, Independence Day was like, ooh, this is an important movie. Like, no, dude, that's not you. That's not you. You were famous for a movie where people are throwing grenades at each other. Yes. Yes. That's what we're talking about. Casually. Just casually, willy-nilly. Yeah, totally. Just casually lobbing

grenades. Like, you're playing botchy ball or something. Look, throw it like we taught you. underhand. That's how you do it. Well, and if you're going to throw a grenade at me, well, then I'm going to throw a grenade at you. I mean, like, there's a lot of guns, sure. But there's a lot of grenades in this room.

Yeah, there is. There are also beef cakes galore. Oh, yeah. We got some beef lovers today. Absolutely. Medium rare. But as, as Andrew said, we are here to talk about Universal Terminator.

I mean, soldiers. No, it's soldiers. We can't say that. Yeah, they're going to come after us now. They're not robots, they're zombies. It's sort of different. Look, there's zombies, but they make robot noises. So you fans can find out for yourselves.

It makes no sense. These soldiers, we're told it's like something, something cryogenic, something, something. You got a dumb little earpiece thing. And that's it. There's nothing about like we gave him an adamantium skeleton or anything like that. But these guys are walking through this movie and if you listen close, you just hear the soundtrack like, j-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-

That can't just be the Walkman headphones they have put on these guys the whole time. I just, I refuse to believe it. Oh, at the Gopros that they have to live-stream their atrocities? Wait, wait, wait, okay, so we got these super soldiers. You fit them with special eyesight. We can take them off?

Those things have to be drilled into these fucker's heads. They take them off like it's a pair of sunglasses. Listen, listen, they're never going to take it off because we're going to tell them not to. And if it drilled into their eye

and they took it off, they'd have an eye socket exposed, then you're just, that's a lawsuit, my friend. That's true. Mr. Terminator is going to be knocking on your door. Listen, just do this favor for me. I know they're probably not going to like it, but put gorilla glue on the eyelids

and then stick the telescope or whatever the fuck they're sticking. is, no, it keeps them completely obedient and if not they would go running amok but it is loosely attached to their head. All day I've been calling this movie Tired Terminator. Yes, yes, yes. Because part of it is like with JCPD

and we'll go through the movie but part of his character is like he doesn't remember who he is and yada yada and I think they were like Roland Emrick was like, all right man, like you're just confused. You don't know who you are or whatever the direction was and his translation of that is just be tired and you know like we've been going through a lot of airports, you know, the past week

or so, and it's just like, you're fucking exhausted and you just hope for death at every second. I also feel brain damaged after this tour. Absolutely. The low energy John Claude Van Dam. No, I mean, it is as if Robert Patrick

from T2, if he was trying to play Tom Berger and platoon, that's essentially what Dolf is doing here. But we won up that fella because that, you know, you see T1 thousand's ass briefly in true to Jean-Claude you get to see

those sweet ass cheeks throughout the entire future. Those beautiful globes are on fucking display guys. It's hypnotic. Do you think that's how he domed Dolph, though? Because Dolph's not showing ass. He's not showing ass at all. That's true. You would think he'd want to just because JCVD is doing

it so much. Yo, can I show my dick or what? No. Hadn't Dolph already done that photo shoot? With Grace Jones? With Grace Jones, they were both naked? You saw some arse there? It's different from the motion.

The moving picture, Andrew. You have to see this JCVD-S. You could crack a nut in it. No, the nut on it. You want to crack a nut on it. I mean, you might want to crack a nut in it. I don't know. Dahl, you could come on it.

You could put a walnut in there and have yourself a nice little Christmas. You can do whatever you like. But I do imagine Dolf was like, well, if it's good enough for Grace, it should be good enough for the fucking audience. I do like we start this movie with Vietnam guilt

portrayed by two men that couldn't be born farther away from America. We opened on the Summer of Love 1969. Look, we were all in that one, Vietnam. Come on. It wasn't just us. I thought it was going to be a thing

where J.C.V.D. was like fighting for the French. Yeah, that'd be something. We must keep our colonizing vities. Yeah, the French pull out in like the late 50s, like, I'm staying. Yeah. He's got that silly hat. And he's just like, no, no, no, I'm a stay.

Well, it's like, you know, that dinner scene in Apocalypse Now Redux where they go to a Frenchman's house for a fashion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's 45 minutes I'll never get back. That's why you struck the Redux right out of there. We just start and like JCPD is like his whole platoon has been like butchered. Nobody knows what's going on. What's happening? Private Gump, tell me what happened. He shot everybody.

He shot him all. Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump would be an amazing unisole, right? Let's say that bullet is fatal in his ass, you know? Right. And then they resurrect him and train him as a robot kind of guy to play ping pong against the red Chinese. No, you can't have a robot playing ping pong.

That's cheating. And then I assassinated a Kennedy again. Well, it would be great, actually, if you did turn him into a unisole, right? Because then he's carrying Bubba through the jungle and something nips him in his ass and he's like, ow, something bit me

and I don't give a shit. Nothing happened to me. I mean, I just, at this point, if I'm John Claude Van Dam, I'm like, I would go to each of the surviving soldiers would be like, why didn't you shoot him? We're pro-mutiny here. Just shoot him right out in the head.

Come on. And because, you know, it's two foreign dudes here fighting for the American side in this conflict, right? They have to set up which one, because it's American soldiers, which one's the bigger villain? And in this instance, it is indeed Dolv Lundgren because he's got, you guessed it, a really gross ear necklace.

That's how we're introduced to him. He's doing some, like, at-home arts and crafts. Like, the camera's, like, coming up behind him, and he's just, like, sewing, and you're like, what could he be working on there? I think it's stylish, personally, you know? If this was a trend that caught on, let's say we're doing cadavers, you know,

you go to the end of the cadaver store, They're selling like, you know, ear necklaces or, I don't know, a nose ring that's a nose that put goes on your finger. The latest fashions, the latest fashions in New York and California are all ear base. Yeah, you just got to put it on ice at night, you know? We just ear earrings, ear necklaces, ear rings, all the types. If that was legal, you would be seeing that shit on eBay all the time. Like that kid that bought those skulls and made the video? Yeah, yeah.

Did you see that shit? I saw it through an episode of the new Beavis and Butthead. Oh, wow. That's where you get all your news. They're watching a YouTube video, and it's this guy, and it's like, it's kind of like cribs, if they ever interviewed a serial killer. And he's just like, hey, come on into my apartment. The new skull shipment got in today, and it's just a dude that lives in a house of horrors.

He just buys real human skulls off the internet. Whoa, note to self. New hobby. Whole new market for you. Absolutely. I want a full Skellington to hang out with. the ear necklace thing though is like a really lazy screenwriting thing like clearly the screenwriter is like I need to like portray the horrors of Vietnam and he got like a series of books about the atrocities of Vietnam opened it up read about ear necklace like yeah I'm good that's it that's all I need well you know I'm just gonna use it does it Dolf does it again later in the movie I'm like come on let's move on to a new atrocity folks well I think it's more likely they watch platoon with the sound off yeah and we're just like that's generally that's generally literally what I'm looking for, except for not fucking boring.

Yeah, I got it. Clack, clack, clack, clack. But Steve, it's kind of the lightest atrocity, right? I mean, it's bad, but there's, you know, there's some real stuff that you don't want to portray on film. Yeah. The problem with the Oliver Stone movies is there's not enough robot zombies in them. JFK would have been a four-star picture, robot zombie Costner.

It would be fantastic. Wow. Oh, they made a robot lawyer? Oh, yeah. Hey, man, you got to move forward. Not Lee Harvey Oswald. That was a genuine guy. No.

The lawyer, I think. Yeah, so Dolf has slaughtered a whole village and, you know, he's making his ear a necklace. He's got his Etsy store open and he's got this couple kidnapped and, you know, J.CVD is like, you have to let them go, Saj. This village was cleared. It's important to note that he's trying to calm,

Dolf is trying to calm himself down. He's got a nice little song on the radio while he's threading ears through the, through this thing. He's just like, just got to keep doing it. It's a wind down ritual. You know,

like how a granny knits a scarf at night? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. I wish I had seen a little bit of him actually have. I mean, you get to see a little bit of him

cutting the ear off, but not really. So you want like a step-by-step, like YouTube guy. Yeah, yeah. The old guy should put out of it. Come on in. This is how you make an ear necklace.

Well, that should be the try guy's next thing. Try to make an ear necklace. How about that guy? First thing that you need to, as a knife, then a head? And then the will to do it.

Yeah, that's about it. Yeah, yeah. You should practice on yourself first, Eric. I need more than just, I guess I could start with myself, but then I can get the rest. So that's what Van Gogh was doing, you think?

That's where he was starting? Yeah, I used to think about giving up painting, getting into more arts and crafts, but with an edge to it. That's cool. So yeah, JCVD is like, Saus, we can't be doing this. This is crazy.

Soca, bleh. We are American. I'm from Louisiana and you are from, I don't know, New Jersey. There are too many burnt human legs, not enough frog, burnt legs, you know? Yeah, I was born in Pasipanee, New Jersey. Yeah, go devils. It doesn't just extend to them. There's Ralph Mueller in this movie who I know is Brackus from Best of the Best 2.

Oh, yeah, everybody knows. Of course, right? You all want Best the Best, too. And the German guy from Beer Fest. Yes, yes. But German guy three, I think. Yeah, I was going to say, there's definitely more than one of those fellas in that movie. And, you know, they get to a scuffle because he's like, I order you to kill these guys, lieutenant or whatever.

JCPD doesn't want to do it, you know, because he's a good fella here. No. He's also like, I'm like living in like five minutes, my tour. She's over. I'm going home my tour is over the plane is gassed up I am ready to go

me and Louis Rinald are ready to get out of here for good Oh you want to leave I want to live in Vietnam forever That is exactly what he's planning on doing He wants to be that French guy In fucking apocalypse now Absolutely I need to stay here

I have so many orders For a necklaces to fill I have to stay Oh my God I'm not gonna get this all done Before Christmas I'm far I can't just do this in Alabama I've got

Gotta do it here. Something tells me they'd be totally fine with you doing that fucking Alabama. Oh yeah, you could might be. You could figure that out

pretty quick. Yeah, that's cool. And, you know, he shoots the dude in the head. He and Van Dam get to a scuffle. He gets the woman on our way. Run, run like you'd ever run before.

We do get a JCVD catchphrase which is, come on, come on. He loves to say that. He's big. He doesn't like. say come on he's come on come on but man the arm on

doll fear just hitting this woman the grenade holy shit dude he could fucking pitch for the diamond bags it is credible the way the amount I've never seen this many the movie should be called Universal Grenade yeah and he should be called the grenade

pitcher because he does he has an arm on this thing he nearly hits this lady in the head with this thing dude you know honestly that's fucking funny if you were making like a war comedy of some kind and you toss one out and it's just kind of like a plunk like nail someone on the head and then they blow up

embarrassed and then murdered that sucks. So like if Mel Brooks did a parody of the thin red line is what you're talking about? That's exactly right. Yeah. That's exactly right. And then like you know Dom DeLuiz would come out just like that movie needed comic relief for sure. Exactly.

Ooh I just got really lightheaded doing that Dom Deloese laugh. Better take a sip with his beard. They murder each other in the opening sequence. which is pretty fantastic, right? Like he, Van Dam impels a doll. Right, with the bayonet in the Stumash.

A little, like, turn there. I want to do turn and break it off, but it's just a turn, which is nice. And it's like, that's right, I'm killing you, motherfucker. I still believe in the bayonets. And then he just returns fire and shoots him.

And then they're both, like, they are connected through the bayonet and they're shooting each other four feet away. Awesome. Awesome shit. And then the military arrives. They're like,

these guys were obviously crazy. Yeah, keep them. Let's resurrect them. These are the most abnormal brains we've seen. Let's keep them. The guy, the guy fucking comes by is like, ah, fuck. Ear necklaces again. God damn it. We got another one here.

Okay, code zebra. They have a code for it. Listen, we're going to need to make that pamphlet available more widely. Why not to make an ear necklace? Look, we should have sent them to Korea, honestly. We should have started there. I also love

because it's JCVD's last day in Vietnam. Like, it's kind of like, I'm not even supposed to be here today. Totally, dude. Like, he's, like, at this point, like most of the folks serving in that war, right? It was, like, total senioritis. Like, get me the fuck out of here.

I don't want to do this anymore, you know? And then you're murdered instead, which is a real bummer. I do think Jean-Claude Van Dam should summon the last bit of courage and, like, energy he has to write somewhere on his body, I'm the good guy.

I don't have the ear necklaces I good guy You're right You need to have a DNZ Do not zombie Yes Order Totally firmly in place Get that

You know we should get it like in a federal program So it's like on your driver's license Just like organ donors Like I will donate my organs But you fucking better not resurrect I'm the exact opposite I will not donate my organs First of all I might need that for the Skybridge

To rah or whatever It's the true thing Sure I understand Yeah you're right Just to play it on the safe side Yeah, okay. But I would definitely have yes to zombie, please. Thank you.

My terrors need to extend beyond the grave, Chris. You might be awaited in Valhalla, but I don't think the organs are going to really matter at that point. I don't know, man. I'll tell you what I think Eric gets to Valhalla, and they just go, oh, it's you. Also, we've gotten your letters. Would you please stop?

Let's all just be, let's all just take it back a step here because they resurrect Dolf Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Dam and Tiny Zeus Lister. and Ralph Mueller, whoever the fuck this guy is, none of them look like us. He's in best of the best too, God damn it. Didn't you hear?

None of them look like us, okay? There's no benefit to resurrecting you. I'm sorry. That's a good point. Hang on, though, but like it's like a unicorn, you know? They have all the serums and whatnot,

Steve, don't you think that would help? And maybe some cool sculpting? Oh, God, we have a huge surplus of weed and chips. Resurrection Andrew. We're underfire. from the weed and chips brigade of outer space resurrect them.

These zombie stoners are kicking our ass. We've got to fight fire with fire, pack the balls and resurrect the boys. Oh, Jesus Christ, they're going to let the beer flood go. Give me a cister! Give me a cisco right now! Well, we're under attack from aliens that can

only be killed by a inane comic book facts from the 1990s, I guess. We'll have to resurrect Steven Sadek, I suppose. We got no choice but to bore them with Spider-Man facts. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Spider-Man. Bomb-Bum, bum, bum, bum, spider-man.

Please shut up about image comics, no. Not Jimmy Olson facts. Oh, no, we're going to just detonate our own fucking spaceship. Holy shit. They've initiated the spawn offensive. I couldn't care less about those big toys. Who cares about a phalanx? God damn it.

Nobody. Smash cut. But it's the 90s now, or present day, as we call it. That's right. That's what I like to think of it as. And the Universal Soldiers are going on a mission. They have this mobile command unit thing. Dude, this thing looks like something the Ninja Turtles were rocking back in the day.

Yeah, absolutely. Or like, what's the sand crawler that the jowels used? It's sand crawler, yeah. So it's not just a clever name. Remember that if the aliens come and want bad facts. Yeah, I mean, but I think. even the Teenage Mutage of Turtles might have put, I don't know,

a card scanner for security? Anything's not so just some normal reporter can walk in and steal all your secret? Her name is April O'Neill. That's fair. That's fair. Judith Hogue definitely should have been in this movie because this lady's terrible.

Oh, the profiler. Anybody like the 90s TV show The Profiler? Wow, I got one. I got one! But even that one sounded like It was a loser Saturday night. It was the profiler and then the pretender.

Holy shit. Back to back. You know, I'll tell you what, do that? And I had nowhere to go. You pretended to have a good time. I pretended to have a life. If you showed me both of those like posters for those shows, I would have been like, that's the same show.

That's a spinoff of that one, right? Or is it that one, that one? I don't know. Man, those were the days, how Robert Davy on a television show. Wow. Not just recording insane rants from his car. Well, at least his art has gotten more honest over the years.

It's true. As the profiler helper, I'm like, no, no, no. You're not helping anybody, buddy. So, yeah, it's a damn mission. Well, it's at a dam. It's also a damn mission, but it's at a dam. Yes. The Hooper Dam.

I knew this wouldn't work, but I wanted to try it anyway. Yeah, I mean, we were pretty stone-faced about it, too, dude. Yeah, we were smoking. And some, quote-unquote, comrades we're not going to tell you where they're from or anything like that i think they're from i forgetistan yeah comiville these are maybe the vaguest terrorists ever put to cinema no name no dialogue fucking potato sacks all over their heads sort of dialogue where they're just like checkpoint clear and they've got like an american accent so if they're american communists

that's pretty cool i guess i don't know the leader of the group is if anybody's seen L.A. Confidential. The guy who starts the prison riot and says, oh yeah, we're fuck your mother! Yeah, dude. That is the head of the terrorist group there. I also believe you get squished and lost world by T-R-X. Yeah, everybody

knows that, right? Beautiful. Beautiful work. So, yeah, the universal soldiers are going to stop them. There is such a media presence around this dam and everyone is like, ooh, the universal soldiers are coming. And I'm like, the

The government has a zombie program that is highly publicized? We haven't said it's zombies. You watch yourself there. It's not zombies. We told MSNBC that we have a program. But later in the film, this like colonel who's in charge of it

is like if the Pentagon found out about this, we'd go to jail. It's like, you just told the fucking news. Does the Pentagon have a TV? No, trust me, they don't get Channel 5. We'll be fine. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

They brought cameras. Oh, man. Oh, I didn't see this coming when I invited the media. Oh, man. And I've only done this twice before with this. That's the thing is they suggest that this has happened twice before where they've had to call in the Universal Soldier program. I assume it's for A, the Soviet Union, you know, just completely chidden the bed. They did that?

Yes, I believe that's part of their thing. We're going to go over there and crash that economy. I thought it was just the natural progression of time that did that. No, no, I think it was that. And I think probably maybe Dahmer getting arrested was Universal Solis. Wow, they did that. They probably did that. It's either that or they were the ones responsible for the Pittsburgh Penguins winning the Stanley Cup in 91.

That's the only ones I got. No, Dahmer was a former scientist for the Universal Soldier program. He made his own zombies. He went his own way, you know. That's actually true. He was working on it at home. That's really the, he's taking his work home with him. Jerry Orbach fired him like another.

sex, I mean, Jesus Christ. How much? Jesus Christ. We're making soldiers here. We're making universal soldiers. And you're resurrecting John Claude Van Arme because of his perfect butto. How much?

How much? Just tell me, how much acid did you put in this guy's head? If I walk into this lab one more time and I find you with your dick in one of these eye sockets, there's going to be trouble, Professor Dahmer. You ticked out his eye?

I can't put the GoPro on anything down. Where's the GoPro going to go? Did you think of that when you were eye socket fucking this guy or what? We told you you have separate corpses for that. The fucking corpses is in the other room. You come up his brains. It's useless. That is two and a half strikes.

One more time and you're out of here. We are being sent to Milwaukee to go to a candy factory. We're going to take down Dr. Chocolat. But, yeah, so they are, they infiltrate this damn. It's a pretty cool action sequence. It is. It's the best like running. Yeah, it's the best like running down a damn thing since, or, you know, until Golden Eye.

Yeah. That was a good one. Yeah. That's a damn good scene in Golden Eye. Damn good scene. See, it kind of worked that time. There we go. I got you got to beat him over the head with it multiple times and eventually.

So on to this, more of this damn movie. Go ahead. More of a damn movie. Yeah, it's cool. We're murking people, a lot of headshots, a lot of quality. Listen, squibs, by the way. It's going to suck to be, like, resurrected and you're now co-workers with your mortal enemy forever. It's like, did no one check in with Aja about this?

I ate that man. I ate him. And I ate his ear necklaces. Yeah, you never know when the members are going to come flooding back. But I think most of this, they send in Ralph Mueller to be the, the, the, the guy to, I guess, quell the situation. Oh, wait, with the hard hat on, the flesh-colored hard hat? The guy goes in, and he's, like, it has to be like a joke they're playing, right?

Like, they put him up in a repair man out. Yeah, put him up in the dress of, like, a damn employee. It's what happens. They're going to try to kill him. It's going to be fucking hilarious. But I think he scans the room and, like, lets them know how many there are. And he scans it without his telescope. Interesting how that fucking works.

Because he's one of the toolbox, dude. He's got a toolbox. the camera in it. But he gets shot a million times. All of these hostages see it and then he sits up. So now we know that these are universal soldiers and that they are fucking zombie. Oh shit. Oh shit. They saw that. Oh my God. This plan was stupid. We're going to have to kill the hostages, dude. Well, despite the universal soldiers best efforts, all of those hostages were murdered. And their bodies were

burned and never recovered from the ash. Yeah, just bad luck. Bad luck. Wait, the hostages can repeat information they learn. Oh, fuck. I thought they were all Universal Soldiers. I thought we had to figure it out. I've been working with dead people too long. It would be great if there was a sequence,

not unlike that part in Ghostbusters, when Universal Soldiers sweep the nation. And the Universal Soldiers dance the night away at a hip club. That's what we need is a montage of the Universal Soldiers helping people. Sackler Blur. It's Universal Soldier 2 and I'm working a birthday party? Larry King. So here's a picture of you from 1885.

How does that work? And then that great scene where the Universal Soldiers go on a case in the woods and they're sleeping at a cabin and a ghost comes and sucks off J-CVD in the night. What are you doing? What is it your sucking? I don't understand.

There's this thing in this movie where he doesn't know what his body parts are. Yeah, we will get to that. He literally is like, oh, what's my penis? Is that a penis? I what is this meat lever? I keep pushing it up and down. Nothing happens but white stuff.

Where is the zipper to get the grapes out of the bag? No, he thinks they're grenades down there, dude. This is a grenade friendly movie. We need grenades, you must cut open my sack. But in a really uncomfortable bit of screenwriting, JCVDCs two Asian hostages and is reminded of the Vietnam conflict, And it like, it like opens up his memories or whatever.

A little bit. Sure. And this is, you know, this is what is happening. But it's kind of hard to follow almost because they make no effort to tell you how any of the shit works. Yeah. You know, there's no montage between like 1969 and 1992 where you see them being made or some guy like just spouting out exposition.

So it's like, yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah, that's what they do. The problem with that is, of course, if you show them what, what's happening, between, you might be expected to choose if they're robots or zombies. That, yeah, you're totally right. And I don't think they wanted to do that. I think they just wanted to have like, I don't know, it works, right?

Fuck it. It could have just split the difference. Just give me a scene where they're putting a little microchip in their brain. That's fine. That's all you need. Well, maybe there's a studio thing, right, where it was just like, all right, look, we know we've got two kinds of audiences here. One audience loves zombies.

The other kind of audience loves robots. We want both of them to come to this movie, so we're not going to explicitly say which one they are, but we're going to hint that they might be one or the other at the same time. I think that's a purple circle, right? Because I love both. And I guess in the beginning we'll throw a bone to those fucking war movie losers.

Assholes. So they all go back and all the universal soldiers go betty by, it seems. They go like sitting in this like ice cold room. Totally naked. Totally naked. Like me in my hotel room last night. Oh yeah, you get that down to 63 degrees and just spread out.

I like it brisk They have local visitors coming in and out just looking at their books looking at all the information just so everybody knows We should say the profiler Ali Walker is this actresses name? She's an intrepid reporter

She shows up late to her own Breaking story and is promptly fired And I guess like the movie's supposed to be like Aw no she's late What the fuck She's fucking late They have to do a live broadcast And then the producer's like

Hey maybe you should think about not being late, and she's like, do you know what a fucking great journalist I am? You can suck my fucking dick, boss of mine. I've been calling your hotel room for hours. What the hell was she doing? Drinking somewhere. Yeah, probably.

Don't mind if I do. You need to see that, right? She's like at a bar and she like gets a page. Oh, my God. And then gets in the car, you know, because it's early 90s. We're going to drive around. Oh, right.

The hostage situation, shit. Oh, no. Oh, I've got a beeper now, I guess. Is this a beeper? I guess so. And like almost every woman who's been on Twitter has ever posted a picture on Twitter,

she has to say no feet. Yes. To do the cameraman, and make sure that he doesn't do her feet. Because the idea is she's wearing sneakers and they're like, oh, nice shoes for the broadcast.

No feet. Which is weird because, like, why would there be feet? Yes. She's reporting on a terrorist attack. No, she knows this cameraman, like, dude, eyes up here, buddy. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. I got paired with Jeff again, that fucking. Weirdo. Remember when we were covering Noriega and it was just my cleavage for an hour? That was the highest rated

show that week. We're going to put Huey on every one of your little reports. Well, I can, you know, I can learn about Noriega or I can learn about Noriega and look at that lady's rack. So she gets fired, which is sad, but then she's like, you know what?

I'm going to take my, I'm going to go full Lois Lane, grab my cameraman friend, and we're going to find the scoop ourselves. of a situation. And I hate this shit. It's like, you got fired, go home.

Yeah. You don't work for them anyway. I hate this character trope of like, I got fired and immediately I'm just going to do the job still

and it'll just guarantee my job to come back. The job that no one asked you to do breaking into this military bus. Yep. Dude, get a fucking fence around this thing,

please. Anything, a security force for your universal soldier program would be fantastic. Maybe leave one out front. I don't know. Maybe. And you're leaving

bread comes to the press. We're just like, yes, you cannot learn about my incredibly secret of universal soldier zombie. Oh, did I say zombie? Sorry. I mean, just universal soldier program, no questions. They might be zombies. They might, I'm, you know, I'll like you. Why are people interested? Exactly. Why are you hounding me about these unkillable soldiers? You just leave my terminators alone. Oh, fuck. Ah, fuck. Okay, suing time. We're getting sued. Yeah, this is a man that was born in 1945 and yes he still looks

30 years old what is the big deal she finds one of these dudes in like a dumpster but it's a

dumpster full of ice because ice dumps if we learn now that if you dump a universal

soldier and ice he turns into Wolverine for like nine minutes that's how it works all right because they heal

like the the holes close up just a bunch of ice will do it I just you know here's the thing like Jerry Orbach is the guy

who was like behind this all and he's in the movie for like 87 seconds Yeah And that guy Like I just

Okay maybe you don't have him on set Maybe it's like oh I found a videotape of him Right so then Jerry Orbach can just film it at home or whatever the fuck you know Because you just don't know how any of this is operating I'm not entirely sure he left the house for the scenes he was filming Oh you think we do this at Orbach's house This might be at the Orbach compound outside of New York You know it just doesn't feel like it does seem like he was just there was a deleted scene

where you see a little bit more of him that ends the movie. We'll get to it when we get to it. But yeah, he gets the hammer and he's there for 80 seconds. He's like, oh, right, these are highly classified documents. Grandpa Jerry, the chips are done.

I'll be in a second. It's a highly classified documents. Grandpa Jerry, Sally won't put on Nickelodeon. Woof, woof. Now my dog is in a shot again. Grandpa's making a movie, sweetheart. You're going to give me a sense. The rogue rats is fine.

Just watch the Rugrats for a little bit, will you? If it's a thing where we just have random sounds in this movie, you should leave in Jerry Orbach's dog. Why not? Absolutely. Maybe he's just outside somewhere. Who knows?

So, yeah, we're in this field with humongous lights and fucking buzzing sounds everywhere and no security. And this journalist just sneaks up in and sees Ralph Mueller in a bunch of ice. the most important substance on earth, it seems in this movie. Ice.

And then we're getting caught, aren't we? We are. And JCPD is like, I think I used to have a name and I used to be from Louisiana. Which is almost like America's France or even America's Belgium, which is actually where I'm from.

That will make this voice make sense, right? Dude, there is one part where she says to him, like, what is with your voice? where are you from, France or something? Or Canada. France or Canada. And he's like, ah. And that doesn't answer.

The conversation literally moves on. But yeah, so he's like getting his memories. And so is Dolph Lundgren, which makes even less sense. Yeah. He's like, oh, shit, I want to kill everybody. Well, well, let's see what he shoots that dude. Oh, right. He shoots that dude.

He's like, hey, this is familiar. Shooting someone in the head? I've done that before. Because they get the reporter, her cameraman get caught and they probably have a huge car accident which is cool. It's amazing. And I don't know how this guy drove into that

shit. I don't. It's one of those like he gets behind the wheel and before they're even going 80 miles an hour he's just like, ah! Well I mean you're seeing two roads. One is a road and one is a ramp. Choose the road. Maybe we'll get there

quicker if we take the ramp. Maybe we fly it. Sure, but the ramp is fucking barricaded with all I mean, this guy fucks up. Well, and also they would be so fucking dead after this car crash. Oh, sure. They would have been just imploded, but of course

Dolph gets it and shoots Huey, the cameraman, in the face and of course, you, oh my God, that feels so good. Oh, my God. Why haven't I been feeling like this before? I have to kill innocent people, I guess. You know, we haven't done it. Maybe it

feels great. I don't know. But you're open to some criticisms maybe. And Van Dam is also flashing back. What he sees his buddy shoot a dude in the head is like, oh, that's just like the beginning of the movie. So now I'm going to save this woman. Right. I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to kick that guy and everyone's memories are back. Yes. And he gets into a car with her and they drive off kind of a thing. Right. And it's working pretty well until Ed O Ross fucking calls him over the end of the colonel, the head of the program, calls him over the thing. He's like, stop doing what you're doing. And he does. but then, secret, you take the telescope and the Walkman headphones off. All of a sudden, you can play with this guy. You have all the power in the world. You can Universal Soldier, anything you like.

It's amazing. It's like, we'll have complete, don't worry, yes, these are killing machines that are highly efficient and can fucking take out a whole city. But so long as this loose headphone is on their ear, we have complete control. Wait a second, wait a second. We started out doing this Universal Soldier mission

and no one went to Radio Shack for more batteries. Those headsets are going, John, we're so fucked. And it's not even two, it's not even two earbuds. It's one. Like, he's like, he's kind of doing the dishes

and listening to a podcast. Yeah. Just the one ear in. Just in case somebody needs him. Exactly. Oh, my seamless might come, so I'm going to keep one in. Yes, honey, I'm coming.

I'll be there in seconds. But see, she just rips it off. And they're driving. At this point, at one point, there's a super, With the Super Terminator move here? Oh, yeah, please. Because, like, he's driving the car,

totally emotionless, fucking falling asleep at the wheel, like the performance itself. And she's like, she's like, oh, my goodness, you're bleeding. And he's like, don't worry about that. And he takes the fucking car cigarette lighter and, like, you know, bandages up his titty there,

like, cauterizes it. Yeah. With no, like, he doesn't react. There's no emotion. And it's just like, how did you not get sued? But also, like, we were told, heat hurts them. Yes.

Shouldn't he grab like an ice cube out of like a Burger King cup and like, yeah. Oh, just a little. Yeah. Yeah. Like a board trucker after the 12th hour. You start putting ice on your nipples. He just goes to, he just finds one of those trough urinals. It just lays down in it.

Oh, man. Oh, my God. Boy, you know, we as a society saw that fucking idea. We're like, definitely. Let's have six dudes. line up in a bathtub and piss at the same time on a huge pile of ice. God damn it, humanity. We are doomed.

I don't mind your curly mustache. We need to go all the way back to the 1880s, okay? Flushing toilets were a great fucking idea. Look, so were barricades. You say all this, but it saved Universal Soldier's life. It did. He was sucked and piss and ice and he was fine. It can be confusing for people, though, especially if they're really

wasted, man. We were on tour last year and there was a fellow I was in the I was in the toilet you know and it was one of the big like you're peeing in a ceramic coffin kind of a thing and this really wasted kid came into the bathroom took one look at that was like I don't know what that is and just pissed in the sink because the sink looked more like a toilet smart kid smart kid I said he did he wash his hands in the trough yeah he's just getting in there dude like as I'm pissing like right next to it. Oh, let me get that for you. Can you rinse me off, sir? Can you give me a little rinse? I hope there's a tip in it. Wait, so he didn't take the context clue from you urinating in something that that's where you're supposed to urinate?

I think he probably walked in and he was like blackout drunk. Oh, he was a unisole. Oh, it could have been a unisole. But I think he just looked at me like fucking idiots pissing in the sink. Well, speaking of fucking idiots. The head of the science program of this universal soldier program goes up to the military and is like,

I didn't know that the universal soldier program was bad. Sir, what have you been lying to me about of us reenacting corpses? Excuse me, I thought I was doing something good. Because he says like, oh, the colonel goes back to like, you're so naive, blah, blah, blah. If we ever, if this ever comes to light,

everybody here is going to jail. And I'm like, why? For reanimating somebody? I think that's fine. But you're also telling the press? Of course, people are going to find out about it. Because I think we do have some... And it doesn't come up a lot

because thankfully a lot of people don't do this. But, like, I think you get in trouble for, like, fiddling with corpses and whatnot. I don't understand why. That's why... That's why the law was written. It's, folks, it's not about bodies. It's about souls.

Come on. What are you fucking Shang-soon? I wish I had those... wizardly powers. Don't be smirch the good work of so many morticians in this world who work with corpses every day, fiddle with them and do the whole thing. Why just them is my point? Well, you're sounding a lot like Universal Soldier Project Manager Jeffrey Dahmer.

Who was terminated promptly. I'm just saying there's more things we can do with them than just making them be sold. Now, hold on, hold on. I could put some ice in that ice socket. Don't fire me. Don't fire me. Explain this to me. Just explain this to me.

How is me fucking the corpse going to stop it from being a universal soldier? Well, you know, what is the equal guy there? It's just not done, baby, doll. We don't do it that way. Well, these are dead men. They probably have rig-a-mortis cock walking around. Listen, we've all been tempted. Look at those guys.

But that's what we signed up for for murder soldiers, not sex soldiers. Do you think I haven't thought about cracking a nut in one of those? I was, you don't think I haven't thought about that. Cracking a nut in it, on it, whatever you sing. I have never heard that parlin's cracking a nut. Well, I was, I was trying to describe, like, putting a, you know, a nice, like, chestnut between his cheeks and they're so, like, you know, you'd be like, order, order, uh, tense your asshole. And it breaks the nut. Gotcha.

But it also works for if you put your dick in there. Exactly. Understood. It is important to note that this is an escalation. his, JCVD's last film was double impact and you didn't get

full ass. No. You got ass covered by thin material which is nice. I'm not going to say it's that nice. But a hot little picture

of that one is. It is very nice. But this one, it's full ass. You get full ass I think two or three times in this movie and it's fantastic.

It's a great ass. He goes full like Superman-y and like goes behind and moves the car 30 miles an hour to this shitty motel where they kind of shack up

with this creepy dude and his, his mother by the road. This is, you know, you walk into a motel and folks, you know, sometimes I get it. You're on the road late at night. Sometimes you're falling asleep. Like, all right, maybe I'd pull over, just be safe for the night, right? Better safe than sorry, you know?

You get into a place like the motel in this movie, turn right around, find the fucking Bates Motel. You will have better chances there of not being creeped out of this place. It's this fucking weird, just middle-aged dude and his mother, his mother who's watching television in the lobby and you just hear something it's like I think it's like a commercial for like a sex chat line or something it's just like over here for fantasy

for play and fun and it's like disgusting old ladies just like yes it is oh yes it is yeah you can catch me sleeping in the desert rather than doing that shit yeah totally I'll take my chance with the fucking vultures and coyotes Jesus

you got riddle snakes around here good so yeah this is what so they get a room and you know she wants to call everybody, call somebody to get, you know, like tell, hey, oh my God, I have Universal Soldier the whole story. The second he gets into this room, he turns into Eric Siska at a hotel.

He's naked balls first in front of this air conditioner. You let it wash over you. You get, I mean, you get this shot, it starts at the feet. But it's just him and he's kind of just like, and wouldn't you want a crack

a nut? Look, I don't, oh, hey now. I'm just saying I wouldn't want to like put my dick in anything that could also just break a walnut shell. You know what I mean, dude? Like why you just be like, oh, Eric, go fuck that snapping turtle?

Well, you know, that's like a man-vers-man strength competition. That's a special on Fox in the late 90s. Can I get enough blood rushing through my cock to withstand his monster ass? Come on, Andrew. What are you a coward? If you see an ass like that, you go for it.

Coming up after married with children, man versus hippopotamus ass. Where in the world are we? Arizona. Can I, okay. I didn't say anything about Beastie Allen. Okay, thank you. Oh, that was me. Sorry.

That's a sin. That's the one you're concerned about. Yeah, I don't fuck animals. She tried. Stay, thanks for letting everybody know, dude. Good rule. Good rule. Notice the deafening silence for my co-hosts right now.

I'll let everyone assume So he like goes out to the parking lot To talk to her Totally naked So naked because this guy doesn't He doesn't know what his penis is He doesn't even know what fucking food is We find out soon

He's just walking around outside Rocking that grandfather clock He passes out And she I guess drags him to a bathtub Yeah that's a deleted scene I'd love to see And that even buys all the ice at this fucking motel. She had to go to a fucking grocery store,

a super store to get the ice needed for this. Yeah, this is like some Sam's Club shit. Because you see like the little, you know, refrigerator outside of the freezer outside of the motel. And then you see the bathtub and there's like 20 bags. And you're like, all right, I mean, that's a lot. But okay, maybe they don't do a lot of business. But then later there's another scene with other ice-related shenanigans.

And they have the largest amount of bags of ice. I've ever seen in my life. Like 60 bags of, where are you getting 60 bags of ice? Well, you're doing that and also getting Jean-Claude Van Dam into this hotel. You, maybe you can take the legs, but you got to get the hotel manager or the hotel manager's mother

to take the dick or the hands. Either one, handle it up and just get there. That would be a good handle for sure. Absolutely. And you're going to get some, if you're dragging him like that, you're going to get some rocks up that ass. He might actually be able to clinch those,

like those. Rocky Mountain ass. So she watches his bullet wounds heel And she's like, well, that's interesting By the way, this is the only time he has to do this He takes a cigarette lighter and heals himself By like, I forget what the word is. Yeah, yeah, we talked about it.

Yeah, cauterize, there you go. And you would think this is what you have to do Every time you get hit by a bullet, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because magic. There is magic. Well, I think it was just because when they were driving in the car, dude, he had to use the cigarette lighter only because there wasn't a fucking ice machine in the car.

He couldn't, like, put a cup up to it, like, that's the next year's Tesla's, dude, ice machine in there. Yep, yep, why prevent these cars from blowing up and killing people? But now there's ice dispensers in them. You know, once it sets on fire, that'll cool it down. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Yes, we're pivoting. We're going to get rid of all the self-driving cars,

so we're not going to do ice machines, and we're going to turn them electric. Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, wait, they're already the electric fuck. All right, maybe I'd ruin social media. It'd be great if he bought the Universal Soldier program and ruined it. It'd be great if he bought the farm. First thing, first thing I'm going to do is bring back Professor Dahmer.

He was the most innovative thinker on the Universal Soldier program. Okay, he's winning me back. So the Universal Soldiers converge on this motel and just start, fucking firing at this motel. Yes, they were part of the Storm Trooper program with their fucking marksman skills. My God. They just have these huge fucking machine guns and they're,

you know, Dolph's got the thing where like the bullets are over his shoulder. It's that big of a gun or whatever. They can't hit the broad side of a fucking battleship. You can't even kill civilians. Are you fucking serious, man? That was your thing. Jesus Christ.

And how JCVD just runs through a series of walls. That's kind of fun. Yeah. We're going to like cartoon mode. I like it. It's cool. They should have shaped them more like a person, though.

That would be great. They're just your standard hole in a wall, you know. He busts down the door and there's some sex people in there. There is. And that's the best one. There are. Are sex people, people having sex? Or do they have a specific beyond that?

Sex people. Chris, you'd have to ask them that, not me. Any sex people in the audience tonight? Yeah. Yeah, we got some, you guys like sex? We got some sexers out there. By the way, not enough yes, as I would have guessed. Dude, I would say, yeah.

For asking a room full of adults if they like sex. They listen to podcasts. Yeah, exactly. Tough but true. But, like, it's kind of hilarious because he can't run through the last wall. It's like, what are we going to do? There's a smash cut to, like, them, the Universal Soldiers, looking at the, at the sex people in bed.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing here, but just us two sex people. By the way, great opportunity for more nudity. We do not take. Yes. Oh, yeah, no nudity, but we do get, what, like three minutes of Richard Nixon and the war years? I kind of like, I kind of like this because it's a reveal of like Jean-Claude Van Dam realizing he's not aging.

He's like, well, there's Nixon back in the day. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's Nixon. Wait, an updated interview looks at the mirror. Oh, no, sac le bleu. I'm not aging. It's a really weird clip of Nixon. Like, I don't know what this interview is from,

but yeah, he's very much older. I mean, he kicked off in like 94, so he was right around the corner. But he's just like, yeah, that's right. Well, the thing about Vietnam was when I got that pardon from Gerald Ford, you see, the pardon and me accepting it. That was my apology to the American people for Vietnam. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Thank you, sir.

He was just trying to negotiate with the devil to not go to hell. It was the idea. Oh, don't worry, dude. He's down there again. Universal Soldier right now. Look. We didn't have the Universal Soldier program back then.

We couldn't just send them in like that. But if we did, God damn, we would have won that war. I would have taken Cambodia, too. I want to send all my hot boys in there for my war. I want to take it over all of Asia. Crack it on their ass. Get Patrick Swazy in there.

Yes. You could crack in that on their ass. Yes, yes. I'll stop. You're going to get in there and crack ass. Kissinger is advising me to crack ass, crack another ass. Crack an ass in the north, crack an ass in the south. Come here, checkers.

What with the bestiality thing? Sure, sure. Right. Yes. Could have fucked the dog, yeah. They escape, they escape by being in the same bed with this couple. Mm-hmm. And they, like, it's revealed they have a gun on them

and they kind of, like, steal their car, their boots, and their motorcycle. It is, sorry, Judge. It is a sad fact that, uh, four, quite some time. Jean-Claude Van Dam must have had this guy's balls

right on his nose. Oh, absolutely. Like right here. Oh, yeah. But he didn't know what it was yet. So he's just like, this weird flesh sack

I'm resting my chin on. Where do I enter? I still can't find an entrance way into this sack. Let's get there because basically the next scene is they pull over because they realize,

uh-oh, he must have a tracking device somewhere on his body. Right. So he gets naked in front of Ali, Ali Walker, and it's just like,

you need to find something hard to find and it literally is like, you need to find the hard thing on my body. That will be the tracking device. I mean this made it very easy to create vivid universal fuckers. Yes.

It's just a very easy little trade there. You have to suck out the tracker. But here's the problem. This dude doesn't even know what his own dick is. Because she like grabs, she's like going over his naked body like this that. And he's like, is that? Is that supposed?

to be there, meaning his own penis. Like, you can't have sex with this guy or you're going to jail. Because this guy doesn't know what anything is. Which now brings in another thing, though, because, okay, are they zombies? Are they robots? Or is this guy an alien from another dimension? Thank you. Well, that's the internal conflict of Allie Walker's character for the rest of the movie

is, should I or should I not fuck this childlike being? Yes. That is really the internal conflict happening there because you don't get much else with her. She finds a tracking device in his leg Very much like a movie called Terminator She like he puts a knife in there And like pulls it out Yeah, that's kind of a thing

She's getting in there man She's getting like the fingers in there Like this disgusting Good like practical effects Yeah totally pulling this little thing out of his fake leg You're gonna have to penetrate me But here's the thing when she's To get the tracker!

Oh oh of course I oh I apologize This is a normal thing The best part the best part of this whole sequence though is like she's kind of you know she's getting a little squeamish about having to do it and he's like well let me get down there

and see what I can do and he does this like crazy bends all the way over and the shot is like his legs kind of like that and the face comes right between it it's so good and my first thought was this dude is definitely has to zone D there's no question I mean

there's no question it's just it can't be that's that wasn't a visual effect man that dude just bent down and put his head between his legs well that's how you I mean It's not talked about often, but that is how you get your black belt. That's true. If I had my black belt, dude,

I would never leave the house. Pardon me while I kiss this guy. We got this wily old gas station manager who is very pissed off that he was asked to park their car. So then later, he locks himself in a trunk, essentially killing himself, I have to imagine.

With a bunch of ice, You're just hanging out there for the rest of... Nobody's going in there to find you, man. No, you're done. You're gone. They iced up all the trunks. I don't know why they did three of them, but... I don't get that either.

It's like a body heat signature. I think because they're using... They're scanning for heat signatures, much like a Terminator. Yes, yes. But they're trying to save this guy's life by throwing him an ice trunk. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, he closes that trunk and he's like, oh, well, Jean-Claude will clearly open this before they leave the gas station.

And then you just hear something. Burn rubber. Oh, fuck, I'm in here for good. So, Lundgren and is in the back of Jean-Claude Van Dam's car. They do a cool, quick stop thing. He goes right through the front windshield, which kind of rules. Oh, it's so good. It's great because when you have, it's, again, practical effects,

totally awesome in this movie. The effect is a Dolph dummy just going through this windshield. And it's like not moving. And you can just see it doesn't, like, it barely has facial features because it's just a crash test dummy. Oh, I love it. He goes, he flies into a rock and then he takes out his cigarette lighter, puts it in the back of his neck and he's all good. That's all it took.

He's ready to go right after that. He goes back into the truck. This is when the general or whatever is like, it's over. We're not chasing these people anymore. And in only this one scene, this general puts glasses on me like, well, that's odd. Why is you wearing glasses? Because he gets shot right through them immediately. It's like, it's a good shot.

It is. It's so funny. They also, by the way, just to put a cap on it, they blow up that gas. station in spectacular fashion. It's great. You get a lot of that Roland Emmerich explosions, which I love. Oh yeah, you're getting the good stunts. And yeah, Ed O Ross gets the Mo Green right in the eye. I mean, you're just getting a lot of nice stuff here that's light to look at. There are some Godfather deaths, right? Well, I mean, like, there's that. That's the Mo Green definitely. But then also Dolph with the piano wire, that's like the

fucking brother-in-law at the end of the first Godfather. Absolutely. Love it. He winds up like going full villain here, Dolf does. He grabs this guy's ears like, I'm making a new necklace every one. Because he wasn't a bad guy before. Now he's going full villain. And then like he just kills all these other scientists and now we're left with like the last two scientists

who are pretty much like the last two engineers of Twitter. Like do we leave? It's getting pretty bad. There's a madman in charge and I guess I'm here. It's three options, right? stay and work through it, try to walk out the building, or commit suicide in the office. It's one of the three for these guys.

Yes, I will keep you on that you will be paid, but I need your ears for my necklace. This is very important. We are going to be making hardcore work hours happen here and also ear necklisher. And of course, if you do not sign with me, of course you are pedophile and I will call. Hardcore work environment means he's impregnating more of his employees.

it's nice it is nice like that he did that he's not making it up i'm not making it up he did that yes but yeah so these there's like a ruse because there's like super you want to talk about magic this brain serum that makes everything a okay what what do you need to make the rest of this movie work the serum yes whatever the serum is it makes whatever else happen work makes you invincible makes you stronger good for allergies helps you get it up oh yeah enough for me Seaman. That's, it's good enough for me. I'm on board. Invincible in fits and starts. Yes. Sometimes it works sometimes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Tesla. Yes, exactly. Well, it's kind of like any old time you're doing crank, you know?

Like, it's how much crank you're doing. Uh-huh. And then, you know, it wears off after a fashion. The answer makes me invincible? Yes, yes. And the answer's always not enough. Right. Yes, more crank. I do like this murder with the needle through the dude's face. That's kind of cool. Oh, yeah, that guy. That guy gets one of the lab technicians or something. Rest in peace, Garth. Oh, man, Garth. His name was Garth.

I don't know. For a moment, if you don't look correctly, you won't know how this guy died. No, it doesn't make any sense. The needle is kind of hard to see. It's a poorly captured effect. Yeah. Just like, oh, his neck snap.

But no, there's a huge needle through his face. So he's like now full on evil. He starts wearing Vietnam fatigues, which I guess is sort of like emblematic of what is going on. Which I guess he got out of storage. Yeah, I was going to say, like, whose fucking car trunk did he get this out of? There's just a big duffel bag in the back of the fucking, a big mobile unit,

and they're like, guys stuff, and it's all of their stuff. I love it if, like, one guy with mutton chops who was like the Civil War, Universal Soldier, just starts wearing a gray uniform. I mean, yeah, because here's the thing. Full regard, the universal soldier. You could, you're going to tell us because he's got these giant mutton chops. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I need some ice cubes. Look, how do we get this universal soldier

To stop saying dickety You know, back in my day The Ice Cube was just one giant thing You kept in your house like an That was the ice box, you see There's just, I cannot stand Beauregard, the Universal Soldier That guy is so annoying

Boregard never stops talking about those monuments And it's really annoying And I hate how he's always one-upping me I mean these guys' crimes, who boy What do you mean you can't use an automatic why can't you you have to use a rifle no one shot at a time is all I need sergeant I don't file till I see the water their eyes he's just carrying a bunch of like

bullet powder everywhere he's just like we have automatic weapons I don't have a saber anywhere near here what are you talking about I mean because you know if you've developed this like cryogenic technology in 1916 I mean why why stop there yeah sure 1865 fuck it sure yeah We are going to go burn down that White House. And we're going to move the Capitol down to Richmond, Virginia. Follow me now as we go to Bullen down that White House. They're going to carve my zombie face into the Stone Mountain of Georgia. By the way, what is this thing between my legs?

My word, what is this tallywacker here? What are these? What are these movable? bumps on my foot. That Talawhack has been gathering dust since the inauguration of one, Abraham Lincoln. Great gobs of goose shit. I got two little tiny cannonballs between my legs. I just, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, how do you forget what a penis is? Well, how do you, not even, all right, so like, you know, amnesia's amnesia, whatever. Like, usually you wake up, you're like, I remember what this kind of does. He goes, they go to a rest. a restaurant, a diner or something. Oh, it's a fucking roadside diner. Jean-Cla Van Damme and Allie Walker, they sit down and she's like, here, order some food.

And he's like, Sacrebleau, what is this? And he's looking at other people eating and he's like, well, I guess that looks enticing. It's kind of awesome because he spies his old time or some fucking like gold miner or some shit. You know, like this prospector looking dude and he's like eating mashed potatoes and it's like eh.

So then like, JCVDC. And he's like, oh, got it. Yeah. I mean, Allie Walker is watching this like, oh, my God. Oh, well, she's out on the fucking phone. My heart is racing. My heart is racing for this little child man. I can't wait to have sex with him or not.

She leaves, and he just starts eating all of this food. And, like, I don't know, does this thing have a digestive system? Like, where is this shit going? It's common. Literally. It's common. whatever it is, it's coming. I mean, like, you imagine he is eating

and then be like, oh, something wrong with my middle section. A lot of pressure. With my dabble section. Take my knife and cut out the shit. Well, that's true. I mean, the dude hasn't taken a dump in fucking 30 years.

Yeah, he doesn't know what shit is, but he might think he's pregnant. And see, this is the cracking nut stuff. It's probably sealed. That asshole is sealed for business, my friend. That has not had a bowel. Nothing has passed through that. Oh, so you're saying, like, if he pulls down his pants, it's, like, station back there.

I see. Yes, but there's a slight crevasse, and you can maybe work through it. Oh, yes. Work it up, loom it up. Pardon me. Keep going. No, I'm hearing what you're saying. That was it.

Okay. Okay. You weren't following that. Because, you see, once it's done like that, we can get the rest of the business. That's true. I mean, Ed Ross, Ed O'Ross must have, like, been taking, like, just surgeries every once in my like, all right, we've got to take the shit. shit out.

Either that or they're all wearing diapers on that bus. That's possible. Yes. That is possible. Actually, because that's, that's actually a great point, Steve. You don't see it, right? But in that scene where they're all hanging back in like the cryo chairs and whatnot, they're all totally naked, we

thought the movie was blocking the crotches as to not show a bunch of fucking juicy cocks all over this room. But what it actually was... What? I lost. I was made you said juicy cox

and I started daydreaming where were you? I totally I was like juicy cox oh but might come back to me

I'll let you know he's used all this food and this guy this lady's like well how are you gonna pay and he's like I don't pay

what I barely know what this moosh is look I forgot I don't know what the penis is I don't know what the check is and then this movie

has one of my favorite tropes where like a giant big fat guy's meant to be like the toughest guy in the world. Well, by the time, that was true. If you were a fat guy, you were the toughest guy in the room, no matter what. Yeah. And you, but you know for a fact, if this fat guy come out from the kitchen and see Jean-Claude Van Damned, 1922, he's like, I am going to kill myself, or I'm just going home.

He walks out there and he's just like, you think you're going to fight Hank? I'm Hank. And I was, I was working on that slop all day. That's a great thing. This guy is that rare example if he's a chef that takes pride in his work but is not too hoity-toity enough

to call it slop, right? He's like, yeah, I've been working on this shit all morning. Well, that's great because he's like, come on, string bean, oh, what are you going to do? A bunch of karate kicks to my face? Oh, that'll, yeah, that'll do it.

That's it. That's it. That's all I got. He nails this dude so hard and this motherfucker's grabbing the table as he's going over. Oh, it's awesome. Point of order, a bit of a, an hour before, I see John Claude Van Dam kick anything?

Thumbs down. Sorry, folks. That's got to be in the first reel. Yeah, I mean, because if you want to hold it till the climax, I totally get it, but like, give me one during Vietnam. Yes, exactly. Just one spin kick in Vietnam. She should have gone to Dolph, at least. First of all, that's how he gets him down.

The ass makes up for the lack of the kicking. It's true. And stop me if you heard this before. Now what proceeds is an unstoppable killing machine beating the shit out of locals in a roadside diner. Bam, bum, bum, bum, bah, bum. Oh, right. I'm going to need your slop.

Could you give me your beer shirt, please? I'm going to need your hot dogs, triple decker BLT, and bad coffee. That sounds like us on the road. That's right, yeah. This is also something I would never do. I don't know any chef well enough, where if I was in the fucking restaurant with them

and they come out and they get their ass beat, I'm like, I want seconds. I want next. Let me get my ass beat. Everyone tries to fight this guy and it's, it goes south for them. There's like seven guys who pick a fight with this guy who just landed for your friends. This would be, if I see anyone get spin kicked anywhere, I'm just going to go underneath the table. Yes.

Until, I hope everything's going to be all right. Tell me when the spin kicks are over. You got to treat it like an earthquake is happening. Exactly. Duck in cover. Like Steve's in the bathroom doorway, just like, ah. Has the spin kick at They're still fighting out there?

Sir, please spit on me, punch me, but please do not spin kick me. That'll kill me. So they just leave this place. And this is the next bit is where they find Jerry Orbach's house. Yes, yeah, totally. Which is like he's living. Grandpa dinner in a couple of minutes.

I'm making a movie, sweetheart. Look, this house is supposed to be a veterans hospital for the next day, all right? I'm making a movie. Grandpa's making a movie. Roland, Maria's got a sauce going. Can we take a pause? Just for a little bit.

I need a little bit just to do the two lines I have. We should also mention that Jerry Orbach is kind of a universal soldier nowadays. Does anyone, do you guys, do you know the story about what happened to Jerry Orbach? Yes, his eyes are in someone else's body. Yeah. Well, I think it's two people. Like one person got one of them and then another person got another one. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, so they got Jerry or box eyes. Yeah, I mean, that's a good thing to do, right? Yeah, you donate things and whatnot. And then, you know, you could put a GoPro on any of them and command them. That's right. The zombie eye takes over, you know? It would be funny if whoever got them is just, like, randomly walking down the street and just see Sam Waterston yelling at them. What is, is this real?

Sam? No. Oh, Jack. Okay. Jack. Jack McCoy. Okay. I got this eye transplant.

and I had this unkillable urge to portray a police detective for 700 episodes of a TV show. I had this unstoppable urge to ask a bartender about the nights before while he's baking dishes. And ordering a club soda

while you do it and get some tums in you as well. So yeah, they go there and like he gives like one and a half lines of exposition that doesn't solve anything. It's dog shit. It's absolute dog shit because what this scene,

I mean, this scene has happened in other movies. Right? It's like, we found the guy who made the thing. And that guy needs to be like, get the fuck out of here. What are you doing? I want nothing to do with the Universal Soldier Program. Yeah, I'm Dr. Victor von Frankenstein over here. What do you want for me?

But Orbach is just playing it like, all right. Like, as if he's, he's like made a business of treating universal soldiers. And he tells you all the same crap you already now. Like, yeah, get him on some ice. Yes. I knew that. Oh, yeah, the body's overheat so they need the ice. Did you not figure that out yet?

I thought you would figure that out right off the back because they're going to die if not. That's as far as the science win, kid. I don't know what to tell you. Most reporters that bring a malfunctioning universal soldier to me already have figured all that out, but I mean, I guess you didn't, I don't know. Listen, it was the two of us.

We worked hand in hand. I did the ice pot. Dama did the sex spit. That was how it worked. You want to know how this works. I mean, have you watched the end of twins? It's about the same. About the same thing.

they just decided to make them then like there's this like oh you know she they get arrested essentially right they get arrested and they're in this like military convoy kind of a thing this is great this is like some con air shit you know it's like a prisoner's bus and then like a little cop detail or whatever

and then uh oh dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunn this fucking ninja turtle command center flies down this highway The war rig is here. Totally. We are casually chucking grenades at this bus. Dahl Lundgren's like out on the front of the hood playing a guitar while fucking flames are flying everywhere. All right.

This one's softball style underhands. Dude, these softball pitches of these grenades. I mean, it's a great action sequence. Again, all practical. But the whole grenade lob. Yeah, I really love it. It's like he's, yeah, like I said, playing botchy ball or something. Ali Walker, who's just a reporter, is just like, oh, let me just go grab this.

and throw it back. Nope, that's not something. Again, I see your great and I I'm just going to be like. Yeah, well, dude, in that instance then, the fucking bus is going to blow up, man. Well, it's not going to be my fault. Yeah.

You are definitely not awaited in Valhalla there, Steve. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to break it to you nicely here. Oh, you thought you'd be in Valhalla, do you? Well, you're sentenced to an eternity in Small Halla. Dude, I am cool with cowards Valhalla, man. That's totally fine. The best case scenario if you pick up a grenade is you are getting the scent of a woman thing, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Where you get blinded and suddenly you start going hoo-ha, you're smelling ladies. It's truly the only bad thing that can happen with grenades. Yeah. Yeah, one second, you're holding the grenades. The next thing you know, you were absolutely ruining someone's Thanksgiving. Yelling at Bradley Whitford and whatnot. Oh, yeah.

Kid, I'm a universe. soldier, hoo-ha. I don't know what this thing between my legs is supposed to be. It started moving when I started dancing with Gabrielle enois. Give him all

that hot stuff. I guess you call it food. I got to get in an ice bath. What are all these other people? I know Philip Seymour Hoffman, but I don't know any of these other people. Hey, I would love a

universal actor with him honestly. Absolutely. Bring him back. We could use some universal actors.

Zombie him. Zombie tech him and get him right back out there. Yeah. The Star Wackers are after blonde actors.

Yeah. We need some more of them. And he'll be sent into zombie Valhalla along with Rolf Moller and Dolf Lundgren in this thing. Because they are,

I mean, Ralph Moller, it gets exploded nice and well in this. Oh, what? This is the whole like, uh,

hello, sir, you have a order to, uh, hold this grenade and and then drop it in 30 seconds. Oh, wait, you're holding my arm too? Great.

So I'm dead as well, scientist guy. I'm just going, by the way, I'm not going to panic that I'm stuck with this grenade. I'm just like, ooh. Ooh. Because this is, it's Leon Rippey, great character actor. He's the last scientist surviving.

I think he's just like, you know what? Bucket. Yeah. This is, it's going to be drawn out. I don't want anything to do with this Universal Soldier program anymore. I'm going to go to prison anyway. Yeah.

Steve knows if you're going to go to prison. I'll swallow a grenade to be you give me a fucking prison sentence. Go. Yeah. I mean, a similar situation would happen. While that is happening, Dolph Lundgren is in front of Kitties bar,

which I really need to see the inside of Kitties bar. But we do not. God damn it. It just, it kind of looks like the titty twister from Dust till Dawn. Oh yeah. And you know there's some vampires in there

and it would be so good. This hulking dude who's like six foot five, looks like Dolph Lundgren, has an ear necklace. and some little hillbilly is like, hey, nice necklace, I got one at home that's got noses on it. And I'm like, dude, are you fucking kidding me?

You're about to get annihilated. Also, he's like covered in blood. Dude, the balls on this guy. He looks like Tim Blake Nelson and a cowboy hat. Unless you are in the war machine suit, it doesn't make any sense to start stuff with this guy. Thank you.

After that, we got that great scene of him dragging these guys, dead bodies, into the freezer section of this grocery store. Wonderful. And this is what, like, Lundgren is fine here but he's trying to do like the last act in first blood

and it's just not working you know what I mean he's just like well they sent us over there who knows what the war is I mean look they barely got a sly when they had to make that movie okay don't press your luck with Dolf I think we got ahead of ourselves

with the war rig and we're back now we're at the war rig and now the bus is going off the cliff it's kind of great it's like basically that's seen in Indiana Jones in the last crusade when the thing goes over, the tank? I thought I lost you, Universal Soldier. Did this movie...

I should have said Jerry Orbach's eyes to the marks, brothers. They wouldn't use them either. Yeah, that time we were filming the scene with Jerry Orbach, it was hot as shit

and neither of us were wearing pants. That to this day is one of the fucking best stories in Hollywood history. You guys know that? what happened what was this what was this in last crusade in the blimps hang and dong no no hanging dong yeah i'm hanging die i don't know what it is no no no no no no what does this even do

the famous blimp scene you know yeah yeah right so it's Harrison Ford and Sean Connery it was so hot when they were filming that scene for Indiana Jones and last crusade they filmed it not wearing any pants they were just in their underwear because they're sitting at a table so it's like top up it didn't matter yeah yeah there's got to be set up photo somewhere from that. We're sitting so close we're kind of nose to nose

if you know what they're oh look at this Harrison what do you think of my banana hammock nose to nose hey Stephen can we get some bags of ice over here

just a couple bags of ice I'm heating up me balls are overheating so whatever they go over the cliff and like that's the finale of the movie but there's still

25 minutes left and you know credit where credits do they toss a fucking bus and that huge command center thing into the Grand Canyon, well done production. Awesome shit. Imagine it has to be miniatures, but considering how crazy Roland Emmerk is, I'm not saying

he didn't actually build a mobile command center and set it over the cliff. Here's the thing, Cabin. It looks too good to be miniatures, man. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe at the bottom of the Grand Canyon now is just this busted up fucking mobile command unit that nobody cleaned up. They're like, let's leave it. You can take a donkey ride down there.

It's beautiful. It actually reminds me. I'll ask you all, you know, whatever. But we were looking at the filming locations for this movie. The reason we're doing it, almost exclusively filmed on location and you're a great state here.

But one of the towns that was listed as a filming location is called Chloride, Arizona? Is that real? Does it smell like a fucking public pool all over the place? That's where they make it, right? Oh, we've never heard that one before.

Oh, thank you so much. David Tell, said the same. Same thing last week. So funny. We've had this name since the 1990s. So for no reason, they drive, they go from fucking, it's Utah, but they filmed it here. They drive from Utah all the way to Louisiana. With a, in a stolen police car.

Yes. Across all those states. No problem. And keep in mind, the problem with these universal soldiers is heat. Yes. So you're going from New Mexico to the. Louisiana and you're like

it's an ice haven you should go to the North Pole yes Alaska anywhere that has some cold they must have just been blasting the

AC the whole movie it must well there's nowhere else to go because it's like she says to him like you've been trying to go home

for 25 years I'm gonna take you home the only place you can you can explain this accent is Louisiana and it's just barely an explanation

I mean that's true and also Louisiana is the best place to remake the end of lethal weapon in front of your house. Yes, yes. Without Gary Busey. You know what, Cabin fucking borrow from the best, man. Gary Busey is in the sequel, which is a TV movie Universal Soldier 2, and he plays, I'm playing Dr. Otto Mazar, and I'm helping these Universal Soldiers get reanimated.

Listen, I'm here to tell them what their dicks are. Lesson number one, that thing between your leg. That's right. I'm a dick, doctor. All right, welcome to Universal Soldier Sex Ed 101. First of all, the little beanbag between your legs, there ain't no grenades in it. And somehow, Bert Reynolds plays the CIA director or something.

What is he fucking casting for these sequels? And it's boring. Well, because you probably have Bert Reynolds sitting in a chair for five minutes. Yeah. And he just banged him out like Krussie. Oh, talk about filming at your house. Yeah. All right.

So, yep. Yep. You got their dick's working, huh? so like yeah this is a president of the CIA yeah I know I'm not really a president no yeah that's no no no that's your butthole

no that's what that is that's your butthole so now we're stage that's uh yeah you're cracking out in that so now we're stage for the final confrontation here we meet his parents which is some French character actor actress and like fucking Rance Howard

like dude and out of left field rants Howard in this movie, no way. He's like, oh boy, my son is Jean-Claude Van Dam. Yes, that's right. I, Rance Howard,

somehow produced Jean-Claude Van Dam. We grew up in the same house, y'all. Ah, father, it is so good to see you, father. How is my brother Ron? How is my brother Clint? I love them. I want to see

Ice Cream Man. And how's my brother Moe and Curley? yes let's all sit down and have a nice bowl of et tu phase boy I sure love being Cajun American so now you get your roundhouse kicks you get this whole fight with the rain starts up to try to mirror the start of the film yeah totally Louisiana kind of like Vietnam if you think about it you're here constantly you know being shot at or whatever swamps in both places oh yeah accurate CCR welcome in both places for sure

Absolutely, yeah. Both places are CCR-friendly zones. Absolutely. Also, gambling, legal in both places. Oh, yes. Yeah, so, like, it's basically he's, uh, Dolf Lundgren kidnaps both his parents and Ali Walker. And he's like, Cuban out. Let's fight for the end of the movie.

Hey, the credits are coming. Wanna fight about it? And they do. It's a good fight. It's a good fight. It's a killer fucking fight, man. We haven't talked about it, but Dolores are. Lundgren has a super strength

bane serum that makes him super strong for some reason. It's just the same serum. One element too many. Too much. And also he doesn't like change colors or anything like that. That might, I might have bought it then,

but now it's just magic again. The tide turns when JCP grabs one of these serums off his uniform there and injects himself with it. Could have been a nice twist of like, huh, you fell for it. That one was full of heroin. Oh my God.

You bring a fire. O.D. Universal Soldier in my fucking house. Give me my Little Black U-Sol book. Prank color, prank caller. He's just slapping the air. Like, fuck. My favorite part of this is

Dolph Lundgren's about to murder Ali Walker with a gun. He clicks and he's like, it's empty. It's empty. So she starts to run and he's like, you know it's not empty? By never-ending supply. of grenades and she explodes and you're like,

well, that's the end of that character. Oh, man. Should have been. Should have been the end of that character. That would be nice. Yeah, these producers are cowards, man. I mean, she's clearly blown to pieces right here. It's okay to blow up two ladies in the movie.

Yeah, sure. He winds up, you know, he takes a super serum like Popeye and now he's beaten up Pluto. It's great. He throws him onto a thresher, some like bizarre Christ image. for Dolph. You better believe it, dude. A little late for Universal Soldier, I think.

I think that's why they're fucking, holy shit, I figured it out. Okay. Oh my God. And I asked you, I asked you guys this in the green room, we had no idea. There's parts of this movie where it's like,

you know, something, wherever the location is, and then it's like first day. Then it's like something, something, second day. Guess when this motherfucking movie ends? Third day.

Oh. Holy shit. this is stupid accurate but he's like impaled on a thresher and he's about to take JCVT with him

and this is when he starts the thresher the best acting of Jean-Claude Van Dam's career is being excited about killing your villain but then also being absolutely disgusted with the results

because he's like yeah oh no this this meat grinder is glorious seeing all these little chunks Well, I mean, you just know that the Cohen brothers watched this and we're like, I can't prove on that. Absolutely. I got a better version of it.

You want, you want chunks? How about blood? Well, Peter Stramer is kind of like a universal soldier in that movie. Oh, that's actually true. Yeah, he was renegade. He got out of there. And then they finally perfected that with this Halloween ends in Michael Myers. I mean, that's like, I wish I could have seen that happen to Dolph.

Because that's what, I mean, folks, we're shooting people in the fucking head. We're, you know, killing, you know, village. children of the beginning of the movie, whatever. All great. I can't see, yeah, of course. I can't see Dolph just get grounded up and that thing. Come on, get a little Dolph. You have the Dolph dummy.

The problem here is not enough meat is coming out of the hole. You're totally right. Because this was a great A beefcake. There should be a ton. This is like, going all night. And Rance Howard should be there collecting it to make sausages. What you see come out is appropriate

for like a pot belly pig or a small dog or something like that. Not fucking Dolph Lungren That's what they did on the production. They actually just threw a small dog in there. Look, it's still legal. It also would have been awesome. It's Louisiana.

If Dolph, if, if, if, if JCVD didn't know, like, what the thing was and he just hucked him in it, and then he was getting hit in the face with it, just getting Dolph chunks all over you? And he's like, is this food? He starts eating it? Because he doesn't know what food is. Look at all these chunks on my face. What do you call this? Meat? Oh, meats.

Oh, that's good. meat. But, and then the movie ends because he finds Ali Walker still completely intact bullshit. Just what in the world? And they see a universal soldier? Is that the twist of the movie?

That would be great, right? Or like he injects her or whatever? Oh, sure. Yeah, totally. They stick everybody with needles. Yeah. The movie is smart because it ends on just a hug which leaves enough room that she is not having sex with this guy that only learned

what his penis was 31 hours ago. Well, because if you forget. Dude, Steve, if you forgot what a dick is, dude, you definitely forgot how to use it. Yes. There's some primal instinct that might kick in. She's like, I'm not teaching nothing. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, I guess I get it because it's not only that.

It's not only that like we know that we're, they're not going to have sex. We also don't know how much internal bleeding she's going through from the, the, the, sure. But it is funny as hell for them to be like embracing like this and be like, oh, I'm so glad we survived this, the universal soldier. and then Q. Ice T's body count. A. Fuck, yeah. It's my favorite part of the movie. Sure.

But B, what? It is the best body count song because it's called Body Counts in the House and the song goes as follows. Body counts in the house. Body counts in the house. Body count, body count, body count. account. And I'm like, yes, I know. I watched the movie. I saw it. It was very nice.

Listen, I got nothing against I got nothing against Ice-T, man. Dude fucking rules. Sure. That song's a bit lazy. I just don't understand. I mean, I guess because it's just, it's a song called Body Count. That's it. Why not some CCR after all this? If Ice-T were in this audience, do you think he'd beat us up because of our making fun of his song or because we made foot of Jerry Orbach's eyes. Which one do you think would be the reason? You know, there were only so many crossover apps, dude. I don't think he gives a shit.

He's like, I saw those subway ads. I know what you're talking about. It would be such great publicity for us to be beaten by ice too. Honestly. He can't get me if I'm under there. He can't find me under there. There he is. There he is. He's under that cocktail table. Oh, shit. That's Universal Soldier, folks.

Now, we've got to start wrapping up, of course. But it has been so rad hanging out in the desert here for the past few hours. And y'all, thank you so much for coming out. This is really cool to see all of you here. Obviously, our first time in Phoenix. So pretty rad town. We called the Suns game last night. Not too shabby.

Kick the fucking shit out of them, Warriors. They did. Fuck yeah. It was a great game. It's a great game. But, you know, as, as, actually, I'll ask this year first. How many of you, if any, have seen us live before? Wow.

So for the uninitiated, what we love to do here, there's no way to end a We Hey Movies Live show without checking in with the best source for the most unhinged, totally fucking out of this universe film writing, the IMDB user review, said, John. entertainment week league oh wow right for bad magazine you know what i'm baby i like it i like it the student has become the master not not mad magazine motherfucker cracked oh oh well they they do they pay very well

did someone just say that cracked has been reduced to a newsletter what did you say yeah yeah yeah the cracker's saying again you were brave enough to say it once it's a new mad magazine No, Crack. Oh, Cracked is a newsletter. Cruck used to be like Mad Magazine. I actually had a subscription as a child. Oh, me too. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I see. Well, I was just kidding. Because back in the day, we did some sketches for Cracked. Sure. I didn't get a fucking newsletter. I don't know. All right, here we go. We got some for you tonight.

Fucking cracked. All right. Two out of ten stars. Subject only two. I know. It's crazy. Subject line, I knew I was in trouble when I recognized the profiler. Not written by me.

I guarantee you. Really? Really. Do you remember everything you do at night, Steve? He was written by Robert Davy, actually. It's crazy.

The 11th of February, 2002. So the other day, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I had some laundry to fold. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, get ready, Chris. Continue to paint the picture, please.

I clicked on the TV to find something to fold to and came across Universal Soldier, just as it was starting. What a perfect movie for folding laundry. You can look down, grab some socks, put them together, ball them up, look up, and you haven't missed a shred of plotter character development because there isn't any.

Wow. Wow. You're missing like fucking balls and stuff. Oh, yeah. It's true. There's some nice ass. Thanks for this James Patterson intro to your fucking review. this movie follows the action sci-fi formula so well that you could probably go to the laundry room pull out whatever's in the dryer

then load it with the wet clothes fresh from the washer then load that with soiled garments come back and still be ahead of the film in the logic department oh my god you know what this guy in laundry I want to go back in time and when he was a child and put him in the fucking dryer that's fine I think that's good Eric

for those wondering I did manage to get all my laundry done Jesus fucking Christ so ungritty was Universal Soldier. Stupid City. All right, we got a few more here for you. 10 out of 10 stars.

Now we're talking. Yeah. Yeah. Subject line, Van Damme rule. Correct. That's good. 17th December, 2003. One of the greatest movies ever.

Van Dam kicks ass in this movie. The greatest part in this movie is when he can't pay for the food in the diner and he fights everybody and kicks their ass all over the place and a review. Hell yeah. That's what I like to hear.

That's what I like to fucking hear. No bullshit about your goddamn clothing. Writing your IMDB movie reviews sure beats social studies homework, doesn't it? All right, here we got a couple more here. Ten out of ten stars. born universal action. This one's kind of insane.

This is one of the only times I've ever seen someone who's writing in the user review section calling out someone else's review. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. I like a beef. 29 August 2004, they say,

earlier comment by some IMDB member, quote, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren stars two soldiers that were actually killed in Vietnam but are kept alive in the U.S. military and regenerated to become types of super soldiers. It is as dumb as it sounds.

Anyway, Lundgren starts to create havoc all over the desert and it's up to Van Dam to stop him in this laughable action film that looks cheap and rushed. The screenplay is corny and the direction is near non-existent. Two stars out of five, end quote. And my reply. Oh, here we come on. Yes.

Yes. Get ready to get fucked IMD user. I like this like fucking Vidal Buckley, you know. It's really doing it. And my reply, Where have you been living, mate? Oh. Hell yeah.

Probably not in a country that uses a term mate. This movie is from 1992 and Roland didn't make any cheap-ass movie like you are assuming. For all of you, this is pure action like you are used to getting from Van Dam and Lundgren. Now remember, up top,

this was a 10 out of 10 stars signing off this review. eight out of ten superb definitely seems ready to get angry about the synopsis the first part of it was just a guy explaining

what happens in the movie yeah but he didn't like it I guess so and where the hell has you been living mate I don't care I'm gonna start using that man where you've been living mate here

shoving somebody all right we go shove a bloke over that one pardon Nothing. Oh, all right. All right, here we go. Last one for the evening.

10 out of 10 stars. Subject line, greatest film ever made. Just fuck Lawrence of Arabia. Fuck that shit. It's Universal Soldier. Written 4 November 2016. Yeah.

Dark times. Right before the ship got a real big hole in it. I mean, all right. Now, as I say at a lot of shows, when one sounds like really fucking unhinged and weird, I'm just reading what they wrote. I'm not changing anything.

This is just a thing that someone tibbty tapped and then clickety clacked and put it on the internet. This is important, but also remember where he's reading from the IMDP review page. So it's all like this. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, this ain't no vulture.

Okay, here we go. And then there was Dolph. Again. Seems like he was in every other movie for a while there. As per yuge, dude sucks everyone around him into a massive antimatter. Fuck you, dude. Due to the...

Yeah. Sorry. I remember, no, but I remember Dolph Lundgren and Miller's Crossing. He was just in everything. Every fucking movie, it was just great. Pretty woman. they gave me the high hats

into a massive antimatter due to the gravitational force he exerts based on scientific findings that dictate that Dolph himself is a casual loop what's that? I don't know you're writing it don't ask me

all right here this is this gets fucking unhinged now we're going to do it okay Dolf is created. Thus, Dolf exists and grows stronger. True. Thus, Dolf keeps doing that.

True. I can't believe I'm saying this. You're too high, sir. Thus, the creation of Dolf results from that. Dolf is universal. Much like the title of this film. Oh. Which is the greatest film ever made.

And yeah, I've seen Spider-Man and both weekend at Bernie's. So deal. 100 out of 10 stars. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City. Thank you so much for coming out, Phoenix. Thank you. You were great. It has been awesome hanging out with y'all.

We will see you next time. Bye-bye. I walked with a zombie I walked with a zombie last night I walk with a zombie I walk with a zombie I walk with a zombie