We Hate Movies - S14 Ep695: The Faculty

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

On this week’s episode, the guys are chatting about the Robert Rodriguez sci-fi teen horror film, The Faculty! Has another movie ever done so little with such a solid cast? Are there too many characters in this movie? Shouldn’t they just have done all practical effects instead of this horrendous CGI? Is this the biggest chicken shit ending of the 1990s? And why in the world did they release this movie on Christmas Day? PLUS: The season 14 debut of the VHS Trailer Game!  The Faculty stars Josh Hartnett, Jordana Brewster, Elijah Wood, Clea Duvall, Laura Harris, Shawn Hatosy, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Christopher McDonald, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick, Usher, Daniel von Bargen, and Jon Stewart as Professor Edward Furlong; directed by Robert Rodriguez. Today's episode is sponsored by Microdose THC Gummies. Microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose dot com and use code: WHM to get free shipping & 30% off your first order. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, including Ad-Free WHM Prime at the $8 level and up! Be sure to get in early and get your tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza where we’re talking The Santa Clause! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Polish Decoy, Jack Kirby, and Forrest the Universal Soldier designs!

This week on We Hate Movies, it's a sci-fi horror teen-led film that was released on, you guessed it, Christmas Day. It's the faculty. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siska. Harrington Hornet. I mean, Chris Cabin.

And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program. This is a comedy show that talks about movies of all kinds and makes fun of movies of all kinds. And this week, that's right. Robert Rodriguez is much maligned 1998 horror sci-fi film, The Faculty. Not much malign. This movie is currently streaming on the Criterion channel. Well, you're right, Steve. I should say at the time. Yes. Much malign. But now, yes, it's on the Criterion channel. I think we're days away from the Police Academy film is hitting on Criterion. I think they already were there, buddy. I think there are already there. you gotta find just the right hip title to like collect the movie. The silly blue line maybe. The silly blue line. Yeah and it's all just goofy cop comedies. I mean yeah just celebration of 80s

comedies. You can just throw that fucker right. You're welcome criteria. Anything you want. Well because they did you know last year they had that great 80s horror series which I went through like almost like fucking gangbusters. Now they've got this. It's like a high school horror what they're calling it. It's right. It's the fact. just like this episode for us is our back-to-school episode. Precisely. And they've got like this.

They've got Donnie Darko, which question mark horror, a little bit. Yeah, spooky scary. Also, I still know what you did last summer. They do. They got that. It's just the OG. I know what. Oh, I know.

Pardon me. Bite my tongue. There was some movie. It's called like Massacre at Central High. Really good movie. No, it's not. Yes, it is. I love that movie.

I, we're here to talk about the faculty, but I, I fucking thought that was the dumbest goddamn movie. Is it a documentary? No, it's a slasher from like... Not about your high school. 1976 that Ebert said was one of the best movies of that year. Wow, all right. Now I've got to see this, Ebert.

That's insane, but it is really good. Anyway, Robert Rodriguez is the faculty. It's, uh, oh, hold on. What's that, Steve? I got to hit play real quick. Uh-oh. Coming soon to theater. Oh, no.

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's back with a vengeance. It's the VHS trailer game. Let's hand it to the champion. Eric Siska stepping down. Yes, let's take that crown right off your head and put it to center stage here. I believe it's like the wrestling rules. I'm defending the belts. Yes, okay.

So until then, I've got the crown. Yeah, you're still a champion. I've got the presumptive champion. That's right. So if there's some type of default thing that the whole thing gets thrown. I just want you to know that that does make the, if it is a loss indeed at the end of

this VHS trailer game, that does make it more of a loser's standing if you lost the belt. True. As it compared to anybody's game. Yeah. So you're saying you lost double last year? Oh, I did. I absolutely. So this is a fun game, fun, capital

F, fun game, wherein I ask these fun we hate movies, guys. Some questions I pull from VHS trailers that I find now on YouTube which often if you watch just ladies and gentlemen at home

Google VHS opening the faculty or VHS opening him how to find it oh like Eric Siska could never do a YouTube I've got integrity sir dude some of the openings to these videos would put skid him a ring to shame because just some creepy guy

in his like you see the reflection in the TV they're filming they're filming the TV putting the tape Deep in and pressing play. If I'm understanding this correctly, and I believe I am. To facilitate this game now every season, you are indeed watching cams of trailer rid. Yeah, absolutely.

I started out buying them, but it just comes too fast, man. That's true. So I will ask five questions in descending order, 5, 4, 3,21, blah, blah, blah, if you buzz in, you know, you know, that. Oh, yeah. But since it's now season 14, which is. I think it's regions, but we're all from the Northeast. That doesn't count.

Oh, you're making a Master Chef reference? Are you making another Master Chef reference? Oh, boy. Which nobody watches. The Master Chef US, we apologize to our, you know, people in the UK and whatnot. But the way to make this more fun, I'm just adding more prizes on top. So the winner of this season, we'll get the Cameo Slush Fund last week. You heard the great Billy D. Williams call in.

We've had Eric Roberts on. this show. We've also had Ernie Hudson. So it's a really great tradition we've got going. For this season, you will also be able to do yet another We Hate Movies redo episode to start the season in September and to add on to that.

Wow. You get the We Love Movies episode of your choice for that September. So whatever you want, you can go a little bit outside the box. If you're always like, man, I've always wanted to do, I don't even know what. Right. Now you can do it. Now you can do it. Wow, Steve, I got to say, man, you are providing us with precisely the opposite of the crummy crommies.

This is the real deal stuff, folks. These are the real gems. This is what you won't be winning. It's not the crummy crummy prizes. This is a real deal gem prize. Steve, can you do that? Can you give that away? Are you all right? Can you give that away? The yummy yummy. John in the back room can eat shit because the VHS trailer games got the real gem prizes. All right. Here we go. We're going to start. Round one of season 14. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Gentleman, Game Master's Clue. Oh, Steve had a heart attack.

Oh, no, Stephen. Oh, that's it. Got to lay off the cigarettes. An anniversary sequel for a classic horror franchise. Andrew Jupin? Halloween H-2. It is Halloween H-2O for five big points. This one brought back at Star, four entries after blah, blah, blah.

Obviously, this was Josh Hartnett. Star of the Faculty's debut. Dude, that movie came out four. months before the faculty did. Same haircut. Same haircut. God awful. And hilariously because the Weinsteins were bad people and bad

at marketing, that movie Halloween yet came out. The summer, don't worry about it. We'll release the faculty in Christmas. You know what? They belong in jail, not just for those various crimes, but releasing that movie in the summer, releasing this in Christmas. Absolutely. Bob is still

breathing free air, isn't he? Yeah, Bob because I don't know that Bob had any of the He belongs in jail. Well, you know he knew what's up. Probably for, yeah, he knew, but also probably crooked business practice. Oh, for sure. Yeah. You don't want to look at those books. Round two, here it comes. Coming fast. Game Masters clue. Of the mid to late 90s high school set, Shakespearean adaptations, this was the fun one. It's also a breakout role. Chris Gavin. She's all that. Incorrect. Edda Jupin. Ten things I hate about you.

10 big points for 10 total. 10 total right now. Look at you coming out of the game. Don't worry. It's not going to last. Tribute, tribute, by the way, for that,

which we never get to. Andrew Keegan didn't know how to draw genitals for one scene and David Kromoltz had to teach him. Oh, okay. Which kind of general? I don't know. It's a big honk and cock.

I think it's probably a big honk and cock. I ain't out how to draw big honking cock. Yeah. I mean, David Krumholz, just wisdom up the ass. Crumholtz, man. And, you know, Crumholtz, I'll say this about Crumholtz, dude, open invite on the show.

Absolutely. Always love Dave Crumholtz fucking awesome and op-y. And, you know, maybe you could teach us how to paint like Georgia O'Keefe. That's right. Paint that pussy. Oh, that's pop that pussy. Welcome back to paint that pussy with David Crumholtz. Here on the PBS public broadcasting system.

Oh, yeah, it would be kind of like the Bob Ross. Yeah, he's like, oh, now it's a little nice clitoris over here. Paint that pussy. Paint that push. Some lippy friends here at the end. Yeah, just another big old Oppenheimer mushroom cloud in the background there. Just a pretty old mushroom cloud. I honestly hope it was a vagina because Andrew Kagan has a penis as far as I understand it.

As far as I understand it as well. Yeah, well, I guess we'll have to investigate further. We will have to. We'll have to get back to you on that one. Round three, Game Master's Clue. Oh, nice. Video games have never been this growth. when this auteur

horror director took aim at what he thought they might look at through his body horror lands. Chris Cabin. Existans.

It's Existons. For five big points. You couldn't shut out Chris Cabin, Andrew, you couldn't shut him out. I didn't say I could. You can't shut him out.

Got it. And now it is the bonus round because it's a movie I've never fucking heard of. And I really think, which means that the points are doubled. My final chance at getting anything.

Exactly. You know this. Whatever this movie is, when the title comes to light, Chris is going to be like, oh, yeah, that movie, we had two copies of that on VHS and my parents. I will be shocked if anyone gets this. We're going all the way to the end here, folks. Okay. Let's see. Game Masters Clue.

A mousy office worker at a magazine played by a taxi alumnus goes on a killing spree in this black comedy corporate satire. Oh, boy. So we've got a mousy office worker at a magazine. a magazine played by a taxi alumnus Chris Cabin? Office killer. How would the fuck

do you know that? Really good movie. No, really? It's a good movie. Someone was searching a YouTube. It was on the criterion. No, wasn't seriously?

Wow. Who's the mousy? It's a Carol Kane. Yes. And what's your name from Marley Ringwald? Molly Ringwald is number two? Yes.

Wow. That's crazy. I was shocked. Wow. Never heard of it. two copies of that at the cabin house? No, I actually, it was the criterion. It was on it. That's so fucking funny. I got to brush up

on garbage. Put on the criterion channel. So that's 15 points for Chris. 10 for Eric. I'm sorry, 10 for Andrew. He already said it. No, that does that count. And zero. I'll shove that feed you water bottles so far up your ass. You'll be walking. Don't worry. I'm taking a

dive, making my boys feel good. Of course. I love it. You're always on top. I know. Yeah. Welcome back to Paint That Pussy with David Crumholm Why does Crumholt have that voice? No, that's just the announcer

Oh, oh, oh, oh, right. Yeah, a show like that needs an announcer. We're going to have to talk about pubs here. And then he finishes off like Jackson Pollock style. Oh, yeah. What was Bob Ross's thing he'd say when it's like when you dip that paintbrush back in your water there and you're going to beat the hell out of it?

And you'd like hit it against the fucking Oh, yeah, it was great. She's going to beat the hell out of it. That's one that would carry over. Oh, here's a nice little bush here. Both Bob Ross and him could do that. Glistening in the morning due. Yeah, so this movie I've seen now twice.

Once I believe was on tape in 1999 and the other time was yesterday. It just, it was always a movie. Like, after I saw it, I was like, yeah, right. And then just, you know. 20-some-odd years went by. I have to admit something. I think I'm not crazy about Robert Rodriguez in general. I mean, I think, you're...

I like him, like, spliced with other... The two movies of his I really like are the movies where he's working with other... So, Shark Boy and Lava Girl 3D. Of course, Spy Kids. Was it DePama that wrote that? I think, yeah, that or Schrader, sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was an off job.

No, from... Why is a shark girl wearing such red lipstick? That's so much red light. Well, I guess, yeah, she's writing her diary again. So, wait a second. So what? Desperado? No, no, no. No.

It's till dawn. Yeah. Okay. And Alita. Yeah. Angel are the two that I really like. I like both of those. I also really like Desperado.

I really like El Maracci's got some juice to it. They're all very shruggy for me. Like I watched him as a kid and was like, oh, that's awesome. And like, are we watching them now? I'm like, this is taking a while. I mean, I think desperado still holds up. I would, I would wager that I was wrong about once upon a time in Mexico. I know that I was, I really liked that movie.

It's terrible. Is it? I remember, like, coming out of the theater, you're like, but guys, there's one part where Johnny Depp's got his eyes pulled out. He's still walking around. I thought it was the coolest shit. And then like three months later, I was like, no. Even the, even the third one I like a lot is Sin City, where he's working with fucking Frank

Miller and has all of them. Oh, I forgot about that one. I have not seen that movie since, like, George W. Bush was in office. So I don't know. Yeah, it looks cool. It looks cool. It's got some cool moments. Does it still look cool?

Yeah, it does. Okay, because that was, I mean, you know, we're talking about this movie today. There is some rancid-ass CGI in this movie that was rancid in the late 90s. So I didn't know, like, whether or not, because, yeah, again, been a long time as I seen. And what of the last things that I've seen of Mr. Rodriguez,

who I do. I have, like, an affinity for the guy. He just seems like a good dude. Yes, I agree with him. Probably Great Hang is the, uh, that fucking Boba friend, dude. Oh, dude, you saw fucking hypnotic. Oh, that's right. Hypnotic as well.

But also BobaFed, Boba Friend. But hypnotic is a dark horse for worst of the year. It's in the running. I have not seen it yet, but I can't wait for January maybe. Yeah, it's possible. I feel so bad about that because yesterday after I watched this, you know, and we sort of mentioned it up top, but yeah, it was like a fucking classic Harvey Chop Job situation. The movie was totally fucked up in the edit.

And I saw like some mention about like like a whisper of a director's cut. So I started like Googling couldn't find anything about that. But I did find an interview with Rodriguez where like guy interviewing him was like the faculty is my favorite movie and talking to you about it. But in in that it was an article, the interview, the point of the interview was about hypnotic. I'm sure. And the start of it was Rodriguez talking about how like it's kind of like a passion project form. And all I can think about was Steve telling me how terrible. It's awful, dude.

I mean, it would be a good connection if we're doing Oppenheimer as to WLM for that. He's just jacking his own fucking style in that. But, you know, it's, this was a big deal. And I, I didn't see it because it came on Christmas Day and I'm not crazy. You're not other things to do.

But I mean, like Kevin Williamson, I was way into, obviously, scream. And at the time I was way into Robert Rodriguez. This should have been a match made in heaven. I guarantee that director's cut, if it exists, is even worse than this. As much as I hate studio chop jobs. Sometimes they're just salvaging

what was there. Apparently there was a character cut out of the movie. Yeah, Quincy Jones' daughter. Which is, and it wasn't Rashida, it was the other one. Yes. A woman I'd never heard of. And like, that just tells you that that director's cut must be fucking soggy.

That's the thing is, I'm sure it's not good, but at least like I can get involved, like the beginning might actually ask me to be introduced to the movie rather than like, it's all right. Robert Patrick yelling at someone. I'm like,

who are these people? What's going on? It's rough. Also, there's just too many characters in general, which is what I was trying to make that point with with the director's cut angle. Too many characters, you can't do the breakfast club as all them are the leads and you're leaving that room. You know what I mean? You can't just run around

the fucking world with seven people as your protagonist. Especially if most of your movie is plot and explanation. And like, They try to give them little bits of characterization. Right. But most of it's the actors. Most of the actors are bringing what is interesting about these characters in life.

I do. I do think the cast is good. And I think the cast actually does well in all these roles. The problem is you get sold a movie, the faculty. And then by act two, it's not the faculty. It's the kids. Right. But that's like, that's the problem of naming the movie, the faculty. And that was actually something in that random interview I found,

Rodriguez was being like, I didn't even want to fucking call. at that. There was a bunch of other names that were bandied about and Harve and the fucking genius tank were like it's called the faculty. God damn it. You know what's so funny but not only the title of the faculty but also I didn't even realize I was reading up

this movie reminded me a lot of the class of 1999 which was sort of a secret of class in 1984 and in class of 99 they're Android faculty members. Yeah. Oh yeah yeah. And then I was on the Wikipedia for Class of 99 and it mentions this movie because

Tom Morello and the guy from Allison Chains do that goddamn Pink Floyd cover Oh as class of that As class of 99 So even they fucking knew it That's kind of funny It's just very similar

And I also think the metanus Of the movie kind of fails Because there's not enough talk about it There's not enough back and forth Elijah would hits it perfectly at one point But then you just drop it And then you're just doing the scene From the thing

And it doesn't feel like a commentary It's Elijah Wood and Cleo Duvall's character kind of split the Randy Meeks character and that's the thing. Because two other dudes wrote the script for this movie, passed it around Hollywood. Eventually, Miramax picked it up and Harvey just chasing the successive scream

at that point Scream 2 had not come out yet. So it's like Scream's a huge success. Let's do that again. Let's bring in Big Kev Williamson. Rewrite the script entirely and make it, yeah, like we're doing all this meta shit, like observing all of these like classic sci-fi movies

but it doesn't get carried off enough and then also I think just in the comparison to screen which you can't help but make that's a big cast too but why it works is because they all start getting killed and this movie refuses to kill characters and then even

when it eventually sort of does they're all brought back anyway so you're still just dealing with this gaggle of children the whole movie well we'll get to eventually, but this is the biggest chicken shit ending in the history. Oh, yeah. It's the most chicken shit. The Fancy Jansen is still alive. Yes.

And doesn't look like she was put through the mangler. Like, I, it makes no sense whatsoever. And like, I I think it's really bad at building tension. Like, I think it just, like, as soon as something starts like, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do it. No, don't hang on it. Don't worry. Actually, this is the answer to your question.

It's not a very scary. No. movie. Because Rodriguez doesn't really do horror like that. I mean, Planet Terror is more of a horror comedy, if anything. Right. But it's good. It's, oh, it is. But also, I mean, you're right, though. Like, I wouldn't, like, Dustal Dawn is a horror movie. I would never say it's scary at any point. It's fun as fuck and it's gross. It's an action horror. Like, that's like, that's like, closer to what you're doing. And he does that here too, but I mean, this, to your point, probably needed to be more of a horror movie. Yeah. And I guess because it's like, I guess that you can make the argument for a lot of

characters, because if you're doing invasion of the body snatcher's thing, it's like, who is what, who is this? But you need the tension to back that up. They don't even, take it easy, big fella, take it easy. Chris's faces. Have the conversation of like the 78 version versus the 19- Oh, yeah. Oh, did you see the Ferrara version?

Oh, yeah. I saw that you know what they did in that. They can't even be, they're so fucking lazy. I wouldn't be surprised if that was there at some point, but then like Harvey or Bob or someone was like, no. I was covering up a rape the other day And while I was doing it This guy said let's notify the faculty

That's a movie The faculty Yeah you got up yeah Don't mind the woman crying in the background Let me give you terrible notes for your movie Horviel Wynne will die in prison That's pretty cool I hope so

And the other thing too Just as far again scream comparison here But like part of the building up of excitement and terror and everything like that in Scream. It's one of the most famous cold openings of all time with Drew Barrymore's, Casey, whatever the fuck. In this movie, it's Robert Patrick ending a football practice and then like being on the field a little longer and turning around, seeing someone in the silhouette who we don't

see ever and just going, what the hell do you? And then it's like the camera kind of like whooshes at him as if it's a you wouldn't steal a car DVD commercial, just like a big like. punch in and it cuts to like the faculty or it cuts to like the next meeting part or whatever so there's no real like he's not being stalked at any point it's a bifurcated cold open because

Baby Newark is that's all going to happen to her right but I guess you have to set up the Robert Patrick part which I agree with you do no yeah I mean like I also the weird thing about the alien so like you know by the way I like that he's such an asshole before he's an alien yes we are going to lose

this game You are all shit We shouldn't even come to the game He should be very supportive of the team Once he's an alien That would be funny That's the thing That's the thing that actually bothered me

This time around On top of everything else It kind of bothers me About this movie Even though I kind of still like it I'm a soft recommend Spoiler alert Sure yeah

But Is the whole thing Like whatever the alien does to you Is it super clear It does not Because like in the thing The idea is it is literally just trying to fit in.

It won't act differently because it doesn't want to be seen. But in this movie, it makes ladies sexier and then other things also sort of happen. There's no one-to-one like, no. It's not your innermost desires this thing takes care. It's the thing, because we're trying to also do this riff on like high school conformity and all that stuff. So what the alien does to you, at least this is how I was looking at it, is like, it makes. you the person you really are inside without all of these like ooh what does the click think of me so if i were infected by that alien sure right in in high school i wouldn't be like loud mouth movie guy or

whatever i'd be like i just love star trek and i like sitting at home watching you know what i mean it's like that kind of shit where it's like if you didn't have to care about other people in high school caring about you know what you are who you are whatever this is how you would act, but it's not, I don't think it's even successful at doing that or clear that it's doing that really. I mean, it's also, I mean, if you want a good example of comparing this, a movie that is not good

but does that part much better is disturbing behavior. Oh no, don't you dare. A hundred percent. Don't you dare? I think I'm with Steve on this one. I don't care being alone. I understand at least what the fuck is going on in disturbing behavior. I have

no, like, at some points they're supposed to be altogether, but then they like get pissed off at each other. Ironically, I swear to God, I'll pull my notebooks in the other room. I could take it out for you. I wrote down in my notes last night, at least this movie is better than disturbing behavior.

Word for word. I was like, this movie is better than disturbing behavior. Here's the thing. I know that last season we did an episode on disturbing behavior. Our butt angelic and Jade Bastion was on that episode.

Can you guys remind me what the deal is there? It's a drug that they're getting? No, it's like a therapy. It's a therapy. like a brainwashing Clockwork Orange kind of video. They take them to an institute. Oh, the Institute.

That's okay. Yeah, I couldn't even tell you. But it's not clear as to what, no, but I agree. At least in that movie, to your point, yes. It's like when they go through the thing, they become like, you know, 1950s mods or whatever the fuck. This group.

But in this movie, you got to, because the alien has to hide amongst the people. So it's not like visibly changing their personality. these ass much, I feel. It does. It does. So, like, Baby Newark has, it's a nice little opening with, it's her, Piper Lorry and the great Daniel Von Bargan.

Hell yeah. Von Bargan. I love that guy. Two, uh, uh, uh, refugees, uh, veterans of the postman in this movie. Oh, yeah. Because the guy who plays Stan, the kid who plays Stan, I believe played Van Bargan's son in the person. Oh, man.

Yeah. Von Bargit, you know, the other movie, the postman. And it's like a beleaguered public school that don't have money for anything, but they do have money for the football team. And like that's kind of the gimmick. There's no music this year. And it's just like, what is this poor woman going to do? Put your head down for the last year? No, no stage play. We actually have to strip the theater for copper wiring and demolish it. It's actually going to become a concession stand. But, you know, yes, they have a lot of money for the football team. There's even a I guess a swim team. No, I had thought about this. did you guys have pools at high school? No, no, really. I literally thought it was a movie thing. This is like a million dollar movie man high school. We didn't have a pool and we didn't have a football team

because we didn't want to pay the insurance on that. Steve, you guys could have gone swimming in like the holy water tank. That's true. Well, no, so we had, this was crazy. So we had a pool in our high schools. It was a nice pool, nice facility. We had a swim team. We had a dive team.

But also, because I think that they were like, we can't just, put in a fucking pool in if it's just the team's doing it. So they worked it into Fizz Ed. So one, like, what I think it was like 10th grade or whatever it was you had a swimming unit in P.E. And it was just the dreaded

now we're just all going to be in front of each other in bathing suits. Yeah. Yeah. It was how was that? Brutal. It was fucking, well, it was twofold. It was brutal. Well, I was an all-boy school, so I wouldn't have minded that much. It was brutal and it was great. It was brutal because me as a fucking fat dude in high school literally worried about my appearance.

every second of the day, being a little kid with a gut and fucking man boobs and whatnot. I still feel like that. Me too, but this is high school that was happy at this particular moment. And your schvance was out too. Yeah, dude, you don't want that, dude, I had seen Home Alone 2 a thousand times

his bathing suit falls off from the pool. You know, you never know. At the same time, it's going to happen. The girls were also in the class with you. So, you know, the girls were also in the class. Gotcha. It was a double-edged sword, that fucking high school swimming unit, I will say.

That's crazy. that I I it's the concept just blows me away we had a we had track and field if you wanted you could run around in a goddamn circle that's it we had a bowling team where you'd have to like you'd have to drive to what the bowling alley and you did they the priest buy you beer cigarettes the Bronx bombers we had a we had a bowling team too and you took the bus you took the bus like down the street to the bowling alley um but so bibin new earth then and that's the thing is like robert robert patrick becomes weirdly rapy for some reason? Like, he's like, well, hello

there. And it's like, I don't know, there's, aren't there better ways to like assimilate people? Wouldn't you? I need a, I need my pencil. Have you seen my pen? Exactly. Wouldn't you be like, oh, you know, I have a budgetary question. If you had two seconds, if you just come right and hear. You know what I mean? Alien

don't know budget. It knows pencil. I need a pencil sharpen. What you have to do is act sinister. Yeah. And they'll just fall into your lap. Well, I mean, I mean, you're right, Steve. He's being a bit too push if he's trying to secretly assimilate to people to make them aliens like hammer

plant these bugs in their ears puts a pencil through her hand and goes I wish wanted to do that Robert Patrick is great this movie he's really really is he's good it's totally delightful and he disappears in the third act and it's like he's the heavy he needs to not be

maybe he's not the queen or whatever that's a big twist but he needs a death he needs a cool death Steve you're being so unfair we get to see Samahag close a door we get to see people out of water fountain Yep. These are exciting and thrilling things. It's a privilege to see Samaha close the door. It is. I love it.

It is fantastic. Not since 30 Rock. He chases around the school. Then wouldn't you know it when Piper Lurie, who like seems to be on her side. Yes. Stabs are like a million times. Which was, this part was cool. And this like you truly did not need Robert Patrick on that football field.

Like just started. It's a, it's a dark. and stormy night at this run-down shitty-ass high school. We're having this budget meeting that yet it is weird that it's just three teachers like talking about all this and not like John Stewart and the rest of the staff.

I mean that's like what I don't like about the like from the beginning I know I didn't like this because you don't you're not brought in. You're not, it's just I mean they sledgehammer you get in the Robert Patrick thing in so that you're not a dumb dumb who doesn't understand what's happening.

No, but like why not go into the school and like watch all of them like getting ready for the meeting and you get a moment with these people before they inevitably turn into like yeah the weirdo fucking alien things did everyone get the b b b new earth uh theater department joke here that i think is actually pretty clever i didn't get it so she says because uh so bon bargain wants to take a a field trip to new york city this is set in ohio so that she's like you know put the kibosh on that and then piper lorry's like oh well the kids want to do the whatever musical and she's like oh we don't have you know money for that have them use the set from last

year's production of our town our town doesn't have sets that's the whole point of the show so i thought that was kind of funny yeah i mean because they're trying to do guys and dolls i think yeah oh that's what he's singing some song chris in this scene you do get a little of that you establish some of these teachers before they're assimilated van bargain great beleaguered man putting whiskey in his car oh yeah dude just drinking it booze in the car coffee cup, absolutely. You got that thousand yards stare. He was a king of the thousand yards stair. He's great. Yep. Oh man.

Rest in peace. Piper Lorry also going fucking stab crazy though. That is totally great. Real like reminder like yeah, she was fucking terrifying and Carrie speaking of De Palma. You know, so like that's pretty cool. And then again, she kind of doesn't have much all to do. Well, she becomes like the number two. Like her and Robert Patrick are like the one to like going

through the school looking at each other making sure they're doing stuff. It's just too many characters on both sides. If it was just a menacing principal and gym coach, we could focus on something. Some sense of hierarchy because the other thing is they're adding in like a mystery. What is

who's the lead alien? Right. So like you can't like what would be interesting is if like Piper Lurie has to be like, I told you to do this, you're in charge of this and like there's a clear hierarchy of who is supposed to be doing what. and that's how they discuss things

but it's just like menacing like twinkles in their eyes. Well, it's unfortunate because I feel part of that too. They can't do it as well because spoiler alert for the end of this movie like the queen is one of the teenagers and not one of the titular faculty. Interesting.

Why you should also call it the faculty. You should probably not school kids. School kids. School kids. Well, because that's what happens in the movie like now it's very weird to your point, Chris, in terms of a sloppy beginning, which it certainly does have. Because, like, now all these

kids are coming into school and, like, we're meeting them and they have title cards and I'm like, it's nine minutes in? What are these title cards? Wow, great point. Dude, I hadn't thought about it, but way too late for character title card introduction. Casey, Zeke. If you're going to do that, go

the Shaw Brothers Golden Harvest Way, put the actors and the characters like, Josh Harton, as Zee. Sure. Just do it opening title series basically. Right, exactly. But to Steve's point, 10 minutes into the movie, you're totally fucked to do that. But also, I feel like that also tells me, after, you know, watching the movie specifically and really trying to, as like I take notes, not use the actor names and use the character names. These are bad, unmemorable character names. Like, Scream didn't have to do this. There's no fucking Neve Campbell, Sidde. You know what I mean? There's not that. But like, you definitely need it for, fucking, what's her face from Fast and Furious? Delilah.

Yeah, Jordana Brewster. Delilah. Josh Hartnett. Zeke. Stokely. Stokely. Yeah, what is that? And then Delilah is also a weird name.

And also her last name is Prophet. Prophet, yeah, that's kind of weird. Delilah Prophet. Okay, so she's going to be seduced by James Bond and then die in about 15 years. I thought it kind of sounded like a... If I got an F this time, Delilah, Proff. this is a Jordana Roosters

film debut that character was written for charisma carpenter and you can tell because it's exactly the same and she actually turned it down because she's like oh it's too close to my character

and Buffy Cordelia sorry everybody that hasn't watched that but she she turned it down and it is pretty much the exact same character is apparently also though Sarah Michelle turned down a role and like which one you think

the queen? Probably queen would be well because that was Mary Beth or whatever that character is Mary Beth Which is also like the worst character that has no fucking point other than to be the twist at the end. And she's like not. I mean, this actress, I can't, I don't have her in front of me.

The only other thing I've ever seen her in is suicide kings, which no thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Stay tuned. Suicide Kings. It's been a while. It's been a lot. Was that a movie you had on DVD? No, but I definitely taped the fuck out. That was one of my Tarantino knockoff favorites.

I like slip with that under my pillow for a year. I loved it so much. no such a stupid baby. What's that? Jaymore? It's Jay Moore. It's Lerick. Dennis Lurie? Dennis Lurie is in it. Sean Patrick Flannery. Henry Thomas, right? He's the guy from E.T. that now is an actor. Yep.

Walkin is the guy. What's his face from Big Bang Theory and Roseanne? Johnny Galecky is big in that movie. Johnny Glecki. Are you get to, is Piven floating around that movie? He is not shockingly. Yeah, that seems like Piven would have been right at home. Jeremy Sisto, I think, fills that role quite well. Don't worry, dude. I've seen the movie, Suicide Kings.

Can you do it all from memory? Can you just go through it? And we have, this is the other dude from the postman, Sean Hottosi as Stan. Stan. So you get Delilah, Stokely, who I guess was named after Stokely Carmichael,

maybe. Sure. Going by last name. Yeah. No, because she's Stokely something or other. Yeah. It's Stokely. I believe.

leaving in the credits, it's Stokely, Stokes something. Oh, yeah. She's also an obnoxious character, the quasi-goth type of thing. Yeah, the goth girl who is, you know, and also, it's okay for characters to get their just desserts. Delilah, who is viciously homophobic this entire movie, could just die on the bus. You know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone's got to come back and be good again.

And then everyone's going to kiss each other at the end. I like you now. See, the problem was that she wasn't dating Elijah Wood. If she'd date him, Elijah Wood, she wouldn't have done that. She wouldn't be a bigot. But to the breakfast club point, though, she's not the goth. She's the outcast. Yes.

The outcast, the princess. She's the jock, the criminal. She wears all black until the end of the movie where she can be a regular person, thank God. She was cured. Yes, it's so weird. And she starts, what, dating states? in the movie she's you know she's uh what he called her

Georgia Brewster calls her lesbian a couple times she says that she fuels her own rumor that she is a lesbian so people will steer clear of her right right and then at the end and like she's got he's wearing like if at the end of the movie she was just making out with Stan in the same goth attire

that would make so much dude she looks way better in all the black clothes than she does in whatever fucking bargain being old Navy Tommy Hill figure shit that they have that's the other thing Tommy Hillfiger had like money in this because they're all wearing Tommy Hillfigure clothes. You cannot escape that logo in this movie.

And the goth thing, it's like if she wanted to, if she changed her clothes because she's now experienced death a lot or whatever, as grown as a character, you got to settle on a protagonist to do that. You can't just have that happen. That's true. The movie kind of decides in the last seven minutes that Elijah Woods, the main character. Way too long to figure out your protagonist screenplay. Is Casey who gets his.

Ball's fucked up. Oh, I do. It's serious ball trauma. Roodle. This kid is not going to school today. Like, it's really like, oh, well, Casey had to go to the hospital. Dude, that kid ain't going to shoot straight for 15 years. Because they grab him and it's tiny.

He's got to aim like offset it because the site is bad. The sight on my guns fucked up. I got to bank it off of the faucet and then it will hit the toilet. Oh, David Crumholtz did you a little painting. Now, this is where you should eat. It looks like it's going to shoot well out of the perimeter, but it will get directly in there. I would love it if that's what the aliens won't.

Like, they're about to, so they're going to go back because they're like, they realize this dick is just mashed into goop. Oh, he's not so broken. Because they grab tiny Elijah Wood, four big burly dudes, and grab and run him through a flagpole. And I mean, run him through. It's awesome. He also, I mean, the indignity,

that this kid suffers because that's not the first we see of him. It happens seconds later. Yes. After his debut, he gets off the school bus like, ah, another day. And it's like, you know, whoosh, Casey. And then he's immediately punched in the face. And I guess he just has that. I mean, B.B. Newark, I mean, she's the principal.

Sure. I am on, I am kind of on the alien side on this. Because she is, her administration has fucked this good. They're allowing this, just like, nut, like a bat. They're carrying him like a battering ram. And just slamming his nuts into the pole. And she's just in there sipping her coffee like, Hey, back got their water.

It sounds realistic to me. I mean, right? This happened to you? Well, it didn't happen to me, but people got beat up all the fucking time in school. But did they, was it so theatrical is what I'm at. Well, nowadays it is now that they got guns and pyro-technical. I just thought that was all in the internet. Now it's a little much.

Sure. There was, there wasn't many, I mean, there were fights in my schools at all-boy school, but one fight in particular. I don't know if I ever talked about this. It was two fat kids. Oh, yeah. Okay, which was, which one was you? No, I was not a fight. I was nowhere near it.

I was nowhere near it, Eric. He's fucking king coward, what are he kidding? I know, I know. I thought maybe there was a reason he became King Coward. Oh, it's origin stories. These two kids went at it and started fighting each other. And like the lunch, uh, the lunch room. was on a great big hill

and they started rolling down the hill while punching each other. It was incredible. Ooh, I like that. Like Gandalf and the ball rock. Exactly. Did they start collecting things like

Katamari Dasmei? Did things just start like the playground set just kind of got wrapped? There's a wheelbarrow stuck on my ass. Seven kids got grouped on to that. Oh boy. Was there a clear winner?

Yes. Was he the fatter or the slightly less fat? He was actually the slightly less fat. That makes sense. Because the other fact he'd really like to talk a lot about how tough he was and he really got put in his place.

We had two really great fights that I can remember in high school. One, these two dudes were going at it and one guy totally just fell down the stairs, which is, oh, it was pretty great. Yeah. Because it wasn't a big staircase. Sure, but he was just enough that you were like,

he's just got some brain damage. But then the other one, it's one of the craziest things I ever saw in high school. There was a fight in the cafeteria, real fucking slobber knocker, as J.R. Jim Ross would say. Sure. And then eventually it was like one of the teachers

came in and was trying to break it up. And this teacher, tall dude who's an art teacher, big guy. I was like, all right, he'll settle this at no time. And like the kids were like down on the ground. This teacher gets down to get one of the kids.

The kid stands up. So the teacher's like behind him. You know, kids stand. up throws this guy who was like four times his size, like didn't launch him across the room, but like stood up with this guy on him and pushed him back a ways. And I was like, holy shit, that kid's wired. Whatever this fight was about, this kid was determined to continue the battle until there was a clear winner. Maybe one of them was an alien, you know? Honestly, super strength could have been, dude. I didn't think about that at the time. I hadn't seen.

the faculty yet. I don't. Real quick, there's one of my school where these kids were going at it really hard in the cafeteria. One was the more aggressive one who eventually was pulled off and he's just, this kid's just blood pouring out. Oh, wow. Shit. Both of them. But this kid was the real aggressor

and today he's a police officer. Oh, you don't say. One of the, one of the kids in my fight was a police officer as well. How about that? No, they get paid for it. It's awesome. I can make money doing this. You do what you love. You never work a day in your life.

But we meet Josh Hartnett and his who starts this film wearing no fewer than three t-shirts at once. Of course. Yep. Because you got the long-sleeve t-shirt.

You got the t-shirt over the long-sleevee shirt. And then you got the button-down shirt over both of them. And the button-down shirt sleeves are rolled up so you can see that you're wearing a long-sleeve t-shirt as well. You might need another one.

You never know. And he's wearing that horrific haircut. Oh, yeah. Which he said in interviews he was doing himself. Yes, which almost caused him to get fire from both of these movies this and Halloween H-D-O. I just like the idea of something. I'd fucking heck, get that kid out of you. God damn it, he did it again.

You know, Josh, we do have a, I mean, people to do this for it. We have a whole department, in fact, hair and makeup, it's called. Why don't you let them take a little, look at it? So that's the hot kid there. He's got a duck's ass on his head. That's what I'm paying for. That's the hot kid. Yeah, he's tall.

Yeah, he's good looking. Why has he got a fucking duck's ass on his head? You know, I watched a jackass the other day and they have this trick. They just come up behind somebody and buzzed the hair right to fuck off. Do you think we could do that with him the full thing? Just piecemeal. Once a day, then maybe we get a fucking... Then it could be like American History X or something for a minute.

I mean, honestly, though, good for him, man. Like, not giving a shit being like, look, my philosophy is this is how an aloof teenager would have his hair anyway. So deal with him. I got a lot of respect for Josh Hart. He's really good in Oppenheimer. He's really good in Oppenheimer. He's, he's, there's, there's a, a Sons happening. Oh, yeah. Wrath of Man the other year. He was also good in. I mean, he is also the thing that must be said about Oppenheimer. He is looking fantastic. Oh yeah. Well, man has grown into it very well. He looks better as an adult, I would say. Absolutely. But that's my opinion. Well, he should be the one fucking all the wives on the base and Oppenheimer's

to be cleaning up the fucking, the scraps. That's actually true. Whatever fucking drips out of the experimental lab, whatever escapes his clutches. Exactly. So Hartnett is like he's like the, I guess he might be kind of, yeah, he's definitely

rich because they talk about like his parents are off gallivanting across the world all the time. This is a Dylan McKay back story. It's a Dylan McKay situation, except he's like making bogus drugs in his garage that we you're calling and saying no fewer than 25 times scat scat i just don't know folks this this movie goes up a star rating for me for the drug usage here sure would not see this today no you would not

see the homemade drug apparatus i mean also the gun that uh plays very prominently in the last act of this movie yes this was released six months later that that gun is out of the movie yeah yeah you are not wrong there bob and harvey got it in just time. It's not just the drugs, though. He's like red in Shawshank Redemption. He's got like, what you need, he's got you need a porno with Jennifer

Love Hewitt in it? Dude, what are those jokes about? I've got these like full frontal nudity videos of Nev Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Well, I mean, I guess because, you know, obviously it was the time of the internet. You could be like, hey, I got a cool picture of that.

The fakes. Oh, the fakes, absolutely. But what is this tape going to be? I'm like, well, that is it Oh, I'm still masturbating, clearly. Well, what the hell is this? I got hogwashed. I'm still masturbating now. We have to research. Do they have anything Mr. Skinworthy by this time?

No. Because this is probably what this would be. I don't believe so. They were lock and key under the Fox Corporation. I mean, I think Wild Things is 99. And she doesn't even get naked in Wild Things. She famously does not get naked. She has a three-way in a fucking gray tank top, which whatever.

And neither is. Andrew is not bitter about it. Remember, just keep in mind. You bought one of these tapes and got burned. I think I may have complained about that on our fucking wild things. But also, I mean, not to go down a notch, but I mean, we first meet him. He's selling drugs to Wiley Wiggins, if you could believe it. Love that kid.

Which lets you know that this movie is filmed in Austin, Texas. Absolutely. I don't think they let Wiley Wiggins out of the city limits, to be honest with you. And I'm sorry, Alex Jones isn't in this film. And sexual predator Danny Masters. You got sexual predator Danny Mansperson, sexual predator Harvey Weinstein, and you've got sexual predator Harry Nolz coming up.

Wow. A real rogue, can I say, though. A real suicide squad of sexual predator. Here's the thing, Harry Noles, sexual predator, sex, pest, whatever. Those other two motherfuckers, convicted rapists. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

The court has weighed in on both them guys. Don't worry about it. Yeah, you have to beat Noles first. He's the weaker of the three, and then you get to do battle with them. oh it is because also apparently like Harry Knowles' friends

with Robert Rodriguez are past tense I would hope yeah just being Austin fixtures he did all those marathons and was he like also help co-found fantastic and there was a time when you did have to sort of kiss that ring

which is a sad and weird that is so fucking pathetic my God Harry Knowles even me as a shit-ass dirt kid watching faculty movies reading crap on the internet he had the worst website. The worst film writing I've ever read

in my goddamn life was Ain't a cool news. Giggle. I don't think I've ever read something in full on that site. No, I could never get through it. You don't like all bolds, all capitalized 20. Changing the font size

in every sentence. Yeah, comic sands, 20 inch font. In bold and italics, just to say rocks fucking ass. Apparently he started out doing box office stuff for the drudge report so that tells you everything you need to know

couple things though one that's why one of the only things I'll ever give entourage credit for when they parodied him with Rayne Wilson it was fucking great and really biting and something I don't think

that show ever really tried otherwise also quick cue about the great city of Austin, Texas where we film this movie and it's all about you know you know, B.B. Newworth says in the intro about like, well, that place is packed every Friday night, blah, blah, blah. You may say they come for the Friday night lights, all that shit. Why doesn't this movie just take place in Texas? Why is it Ohio gives a shit? I think you. This same exact thought. It's completely irrelevant. It's completely irrelevant. It doesn't feel like Ohio at all. It feels like fucking Texas. You know what I mean? Like, yep. And yeah, so like we meet our kids. They're, you know, we're all kind of going through it. And we meet the fact. More of the faculty, we meet Salmaheck, who has got a cold.

That's something that she's doing. She's the school nurse with a cold. Right. John Stewart acting with this goatee, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, this goatee is a laugh right. Isn't it? Holy shit, it sucks. And, you know, I got no beef with John Stewart.

Like, clearly the guy wasn't much of an actor. Rodriguez had seen him doing his old MTV John Stewart show, I think, and was like, this guy's interesting. playing Professor Edward Furlong. Oh, sweet Jesus. I don't know about that. But I guess that is part of the metaness of the script, I suppose. Sort of like a scream, you got carpenters.

Right. But then I think like, how many times are they actually doing it, though? Yeah. I don't really know. But also like Edward Furlong, really? Professor Cameron. Professor James Cameron. There you go.

That's much better. I mean, because yeah, we are doing a little bit of like Terminator, of course. The presence of Robert Patrick only, like, heightens that. But yeah, you got to stick to the directors, dude. I don't know what to tell you. Or it's just like Deborah Hill. You can throw her in there if you like. Yeah, Carpenter.

Yeah, Professor Carp because the thing is all over this movie. Someone known for more than two movies. I would say that would do a good, good aiming point there. Edward Furlong is known for many motion pictures. Really? What's that? Terminator to brain scan. Oh, yes. That's the one everybody knows. The Crow Wicked Prayer.

Of course, we're getting into the weeds. Pecker, of course. Of course. The Green Hornet. What was that one movie? Oh, man, not money monster, but like attack on Wall Street or some shit where like some meathead guys, the star of the movie. But Furlong's like his buddy and they're like security guards and like this dude's had enough. Wow.

I think it might be a Yuva Bowl movie. Oh, even better. That's right. Assault on Wall Street. It's a movie where, yeah, I don't know. But here's something. Sure. We're seeing the, you know, Von Bargand.

This is where we see it. But the whiskey in, there's like a really bad line that Stewart gives, which is like, like, oh, you have your class in five minutes. I'd rather have my pen in my eye. And it's like, I know, dude, it's going to happen in the movie. And you got like, the nurse is like, Salmaheck as the nurse is like treating Harry Knowles. you know that that slimy fuck. Hey, hey, Robert, come here for a second. What if there was

a scene where for some reason Salma had to touch me? Yeah. Giggle. Well, do you want the first movie at Fantastic Fester, don't you? So we filmed that scene with Harry and Salma. Now she's only in the movie for five minutes.

She's leaving. You know, Robert, we could do me and Salma, we could do an homage to the sex scene in despondy. Barado. We can do it right here in the faculty room. And as much as I like her,

she doesn't need to be in this movie because this is a non-character that goes away. She's so fun in the movie for five seconds. I like her with a cold. It's funny. It is really bizarre. I mean, maybe it's the thing

where she's like, like, I'm friends with Robert. I'm just going to pop in, do the movie for a little bit. But like, I can't be in it a lot or something like that. I don't know what else. She was making a lot of bad movies

in the late. my thigh is hurting me higher Robert Fantastic Fest is calling you don't want this movie to have a bad review do you because I can bold the fuck out of some lot just don't let Harvey know that someone is someone else is sexually harassing on set that's his thing um there's a piece of IMDB trivia which I'm sure is false which is good to bring it up I mean like because Harry Knowles was somewhat at least, and he will tell you, is very instrumental in the Lord of the Rings kind of becoming the hype machine for the Lord of the Rings. Sure. And he apparently went up... Yeah, this is horseshit.

Elijah Wood didn't want to read for Lord of the Rings and then Harry Knowles went up to him. He was like, no, Elijah, you'd be great for it. Like, absolutely not. Elijah Woods looked at him like, who are you? There was a call out for 5'3 and under actors and he got it. And that's how that shit works. You know, I think it was on his, Harry Nell's wiki, Wikipedia article under controversies that it was like once he was like, he said that like when he was three years old or something, the, the fucking cast and crew of Texas chainsaw massacre came to his birthday party and Gunner Hansen like drop prospective, you know, like fake limbs on shit on him.

Apparently Gunner Hansen's like, that never happened. What is he talking about? What about going to a fat kid's birthday party for? He's a liar. He's a liar and a weird fucking creep is what he is. Totally. And at some point in this movie, he's fucking turned into an alien and I don't see that. And I don't see him definitely needing to be fucking executed in some way in this movie.

That character's got to go. There's got that there's a big ass football field. There's definitely a writing more somewhere on the premises. How do we get rid of this big fat alien? I have a great idea. Totally. Step on the gas, dude. Yeah, hi, I am Robert Rugger.

You guys, hey, yeah. I, we wanted to do a scene getting him, you know, all. He wanted to get the parasite in him and everything. He refused to get wet. He's got a thing. He doesn't like to get wet. Usually he... Shit starts popping off his back.

And then, like, there's little monsters everywhere. I am the biggest gremlin. Giggle. Squeed. My baby Spike. Refuses to get wet and also. Never got anyone wet. That's absolutely true.

Also, I know I'm saying. We got Fankajanson as Miss Burke, who's also in the teacher's lounge right here. She's great in this movie. She's got like doing this double role thing where like clearly this is right after golden eyes. So she's like, what if I'm not the crazy sex pot for a seat and a half and then I become the crazy sex pot.

It is, but this is like Hall of Fame, dumbass trope of trying to make a. gorgeous woman ugly by putting glasses on her. She's like nervous and stuff. It's the 90s. Oh man. It is so unfucking believable in this movie. It's bad. I would

go far as it's bad. The Famke Jansen like being shy seen specifically. I was like you didn't want to give it another go. And I don't usually I'm not usually that like brutal about shit like that but I was like what what is this? Let's backtrack on that clickety clack

and try to tippity type something else. Even just to, like, is, the whole point it seems to be like, Josh Hartnett's really smart, you know. Yeah. I know he looks like he's just like one of the dandy warhols, but he's actually a very smart man. Very specific band reference. No, but we are also, we're trying to echo some Halloween shit here

because this is another like teens born in the class and like Josh Hartnett, who you think is not paying attention to her first, just like Lori Strode in Halloween 78. And then, like, he comes out with this very eloquent answer. They're analyzing Robinson Crusoe or something. And he's like, oh, he's got calluses on his hands. And it's like, oh, that's a jerk. Oh, that's so mean, Zeke.

You should apply yourself. I was like, no, actually there's loneliness and blah, blah, blah. So, you know, callous is on his hands. Aren't we characters? Isn't this nice what we're doing here? It's like, Zeke and Casey, make it just the two of them. They're friends. Yep.

They're the character. Buddy comedy kind of. thing. Sure, yeah. I mean, it's just too much. I know way too much about Zeke. And we're not even done then because the fucking movie then goes to focus on Stan and all of his

miserabilia around being on the football team and he doesn't want to do sports anymore. So we're going to hear about this fucking sobbing story. I guess because that's relatable to maybe a kid in the audience and that's why it has to be in the movie. Yeah. I suppose. But like none of this is really substantive because again, as

as Eric's been pointed out, it's too much. If this is an ensemble piece, you have to have your ensemble together much earlier. And they have to be a unit much earlier. But they can't have this laundry list of stuff like hanging off them. Because I'm sorry, the bucket is full. You can't put any more water in this bucket. And if you're doing that ensemble, you have to

question, you have to debate who's an alien or not. Way more than just the one scene where we rip off the thing. And I know it's not rip off. It's a homage. Oh, it's, there's two homages that it need to be, you know. I think that part's okay. We'll get to it when we get through it. But so Stan is done with football.

And then this is, dude, this is Delilah coming in hot. This movie immediately does not want you to like this character because she's like, oh, what's that, Stan? You don't want to be on the football team anymore because you want to concentrate on academics. Hey, you dumb fuck. Football scholarships are the only way you're going to get into college. You're so stupid. And I'm like, she's got a point.

I was like, are these characters dating? Yeah. Oh, they are. Oh, yeah. Wild. She's a terrible character. Yeah. I don't think they thought very much about, like, her character more than ever,

more than any of the other characters I think, it's very much like, what works for this scene? Yeah. Not like consistent, not like this is supposed to be someone we follow. No, like, right. Like, she just changes her mind on things out of nowhere. That's the problem. And see, the couples that are dating, you never, you never feel like they are. Nothing feels lived in.

No. These characters just, it feels like they just showed up to set one day. It's not a good thing. Say your lines. Move on. And then you have these like sideline things that happen a couple times where there's some characters that like they give them these little quick moments. Yeah.

Only to show how they've changed later when they've become aliens. I'm specifically talking about this couple that's constantly fighting. And it's summer Phoenix. And I think maybe the guy from scary movie. Yes. Yes. Bobby. It is also in the little, the Focker

movies, I believe he plays the brother. Oh, yes. You're totally right. So Abrahams or something like that. Yeah. And like they're just like screaming at each other and like the camera keeps like a scene will end. But the camera lingers to like hammer home. These are the fighting kids. Yeah. Well that this is to underline

like the overarching thing here is like well is uniformity good or bad. Yes. And like almost every other movie would be like yes, uniformity is fucking bad. Right. But like everything before this also sucks. Like Robert Patrick is like, we're gonna fucking lose.

Yes. And nobody wants to do the fucking, uh, school's about to fucking shut down. Right. Like nobody's getting to do what they want. They all hate each other. And like fucking day of a bargain is drinking like straight whiskey out of a mug in front

of students. Oh yeah. Dude, he's like so wasted. He starts like, all right. Now we're going to go to chapter three. And like Cleo Duval has to be like, we fucking.

read that last week or whatever. We're on Chapter 4 now, you drunk. And he does he totally does a thing that he definitely did on Seinfeld, which is just whatever. He used that Von Bargain, whatever in this movie. It's, oh, it's that guy. They even say, like, I think later on, Jordita Brewster, who's the head cheerleader and the editor of the... Wait, she's the head cheerleader in this movie? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. And the editor of the bucket is full. Exactly. The bucket is full. Lean into one of those things and show me it. Sorry, the editor's cool paper.

She says, like, oh, we exposed Mr. Tate's alcoholism last year and nobody cared. That's kind of a funny lot. I'll give it. But, yeah, so, like, things are going on, and Elijah Wood runs the foul of Robert Patrick on the football field and picks up a dead slug, which is sort of kind of getting the ball rolling on the alien bit. That's right. Yeah, I do love it's Elijah Wood having lunch alone, which is totally fine. what a nice day. You're out on the bleachers out, you know, in the beautiful Ohio sunshine. But he's just like very childishly drinking a juice box of apple juice.

Hi. Hi, I'm a baby. Well, this is how your balls get annihilated, dude. You got to start drinking. If you want apple juice, it's got to be a fucking can. Otherwise, you're getting flagpole dick, dude. I'll have you know Gerbers make stuff for teenagers too. It's very delicious. It's roasted carrot puree. I'm sorry, coach. I can't join the football team because my balls are sand now, don't you understand? There's that weird thing where

he's like, oh, well, he's like, oh, I don't like to run unless I'm being chased. And Robert Patrick's just like, unless you're being chased, huh? Better save that for the end of the movie. Oh, and also, by the way, I won't be doing it because I'll be out of the end of the movie. Yeah, I won't be doing

the chair. I'll be sending someone to be chasing you, but just remember, you don't want to run unless you're being chased. But just to remind you, I'm creepy. I'm into it. I'm into chasing you. I would be, if I could chase you, I would. If I was allowed to be in the end of the movie, I'd be chasing you.

But I'm just here to tell you, I would love to chase you. Did you see me in Terminator 2? I can chase. I know how to chase. I could chase walk. I got that car. I nearly got the car. I nearly ran as fast as the car.

How about that? But so, yes, then Casey takes a little slug and we get to fucking professor furlong science class, don't you know? And so this is the scene I remembered from the movie. All of this for whatever reason, I didn't remember a ton of this movie. I remembered almost all

of the stuff involving John Stewart, which is his big, two big scenes, which is this one and then a little while later when he's hilariously, temporarily murdered. But this is, we are putting this little horrible CGI little creature into the fish tank. And it's just all

these actors looking at an empty fish tank. Oh, it's, it's not great. It's got a little red strings coming out of it. Yeah, little red string is kind of like a very large booger. It's just like swimming in. Both sharp teeth. I, I get, but like it's, it's really bad. Like, I like the, the queen is actually pretty well designed. I think. But like this, I was just like, get it off. I can't take looking at this fucking. Thank God, they just spit into people's ears after this. And that's the whole thing. I like that just this thing starts moving. It gets bigger. It starts looking more dangerous, and John Stewart's like, let me go down there and squeeze it with my fingers. Yeah, let me get my hand on in there, you know. And why are you doing that? I want to know

what it feels like. Maybe no. Like, maybe this is a national emergency now. It seems like that to me. Yeah, we shouldn't play so fast and loose with what you're convinced is a newly discovered species. Whatever it's a newly discovered poisonous species. Yep, exactly. I mean, you're named after the pecker boy. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Cool it, Doc. Yes, I was named after the pecker boy, you see? Meanwhile, Robert Patrick. Have you seen this science teacher?

The gallery. But so that's going on. Also, we're learning that Josh Hartnett is a genius. He's like, oh, is there it a blubble? You know, and he's just being a genius. He's just a biology freak out of nowhere. All of a sudden starts using like science words you haven't heard in views in the first 20 minutes of the movie. Sure, that's Zeke for you.

Can I take this, hey, can I take this animal home to make drugs out of it meanwhile Mary Beth is like trying to become friends with Stokely this is when we find out all about Stokely it's like weird lesbian shield that she's been using which kind of you know it's something

she's like reverse bearding herself I think sort of is whatever I mean okay it's all not great how about that that was my response okay and dude there is a thing I gotta tell you

so another thing about this movie and you know Kev Williamson loved the guy a lot of these like student insults that were slinging back and forth to each other are not great especially here where Cleo Duval they're all like crowding around the tank I think it is

she calls Usher a blood fart and I'm just like I just don't know about these insults screenplay I really don't blood fart doesn't have it no it really doesn't I wanted to have it I love the idea of farting blood You know what else I love, Eric? The idea of Usher being a character in this movie,

which the poster 1,000% wanted you to believe because he's on the poster and this poor bastard that plays Stan is not. Well, they cut out the other black character completely and now they cut probably half of his rollout as well. He's just non-existent and it seems as if the script originally had him be like Stan's direct foil because Usher is turned into an alien

like very early on in the movie. So it's like, you know, Usher's character v. Stan, that could have been something, but he's just not around. But that's also too much. What we're really doing is making a mini-series into a movie.

Right. Dude, this could be like a four-part thing on Hulu or something. Stan takes a shower after gym class and this is when the old teacher like starts to peel. This is kind of some fun like body horror stuff. The only time it happens in the movie.

Kind of like the shining. in room 217 or whatever. This old lady walks in and is deteriorating to the point where her scalp falls off her head and then we smash cut to like the principal's office. Oh, no, it's just cancer. Yeah, it does that. Yeah, it's like, oh, Mrs. Brummel was diagnosed

with cancer and she's really old so she's not responding to the treatment. Cancer isn't the wrong cup from Indiana Jones in the last year's saying, what is happening to me? Is that ever rare super cancer? that you've heard of. You see, Mrs. Brommel contracted the flesh-eating virus.

Like, that makes more. Her fucking head falls off almost. Because she, like, falls down. And then something, something. Casey and Delilah are looking in the faculty, just for a story in general, kind of like, there's no real reason for them to be in this room. No, nothing has motivated them other than,

we need a story. So we're going to sift through teachers' personal property and see if we can find some dirt on these people. That's the, but like, of course, I mean, in the screenplay, this is to get them flirting. This is to start up the flirtation so that the ending, which makes no sense. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah. But then what's it?

Uh, oh, people are coming. Better get into the closet and hide from Michael Myers. I mean, uh, the faculty. Dude, and it's even how about this dude, that's so great that he's at Michael Myers because the door is that slatted. Come on everybody. Are we doing science fiction or horror films? Exactly.

It's sci-fi or. horror you never want to pick. And those are the things they need to do, if they win more sci-fi, they would probably have to do more than just invasion of the body snatchers. Like, is there a robot? Is there a ship? They're doing like, I mean, they're really doing a smorgate. They're also doing invaders from

Mars. Yeah. It's heavy duty in this. Sure. But yeah, like, it's just, I mean, spoiler, it's Salma Hayek is brought in the nurse. She, they spit in her ear and she turns into an alien person. Harry Knowles is like, hey, Robert.

Just a quick thing. I know that it's Robert Patrick that's going to get to do this part to Salma, but here's an idea. What if it was Mr. Knowles' character that did? What about that? Okay, you're not buying it. Okay, how about just for the close-up,

I'll be the spitter. You don't have to know I'm even there, but I'll be spitting on it. I just want to remind you who controls the comment boards on ain't it cool news. You scratch my back, Robert. You find a way to scratch my back, Robert.

And I will scratch you. Two words, hot shot. Bolded font. All right. God damn. I'm just going to get Manola Dargis to do this. Jesus H. Christ. I like when Robert Patrick and I almost said swoosy curts.

Piper Lurie. Piper Lurie. Come into the faculty lounge. And they start immediately just douching themselves with water because that's like the aliens whole thing is like being in human bodies dehydrates the body so they have to keep hydrating. It's just Robert Patrick like, ah, just like dumping water all over himself.

It's pretty good. I just think like they should have those. There should be more weird stuff with water, I think. Yes. They're just randomly in the pool. Like they want to do class in pools. The body of horror stuff needs to get pushed. Yeah.

If you're going to do it. Because I mean, like the old lady in the thing. I think that there's a cool part when Robert Patrick is just standing in the football field getting douched with water. That's probably the coolest shot. That alien face, like really hard. Like we could do more of that. We could do more. There is some, you know, like the little eerieness with the water when Mr. Kruger, what was his game? Van Bargain. Daniel Van Bargain. He's, he's, uh, he's, uh,

watching the coach, uh, drink water constantly. He's like, must be a pregame ritual. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, you know what we, uh, didn't need here, though? Because it takes him from, uh, uh, like sympathetic nerd to creep. When they're in this closet and they're both looking like, oh, what are these, what's the faculty doing? They're being very weird out there, this faculty of ours. Elijah Wood's character definitely gets a hair sniff in on Junkana. Oh, does he really? Absolutely.

It's a close up on both of them and he's behind her and he's just like, oh. He wasn't going to, but then Harry Knowles approached him and said, listen, you should go for the hair. Do your tape for Lord of the Rings. I do it all the time, the ladies, all right? You just get a quick sniff in and they go,

what was that? And then you go, nothing giggle and you slip her a hundred dollars and then you give your buddy Harry a good description tell me what she smells like I love that Colisha do you want to raid my swag

closet tell me what she smells like I got a bunch of swag oh my God imagine the smell in that class oh dude just fucking B-O and promotional t-shirts stay I know the Avengers movie tanked but I got a bunch of t-shirts of it

These are a hairy nose personalized official sweat swappers. And then you just put it in. And then if you want to give it to somebody, you give it to somebody. Sweat swamper. Because you know, everybody, what would you pay to have Robert Downey Jr. sweat in your own hand? So, oh, so the old lady's bodies also in this closet. And it kind of falls out at an inopportune time.

We get a total scream. like there's so much like that's the problem with Kevin Williamson at this point is it's just weird because Scream was such a huge hit and then he I think he did rewrites on H2O as well he did this like his stink was all over this company as well as Marco Boltrami's all over this movie there is there is music from this movie that is just straight up in Halloween H2O it's the same fucking thing and like they're in a closet and he's pull, what he called there? Robert Patrick's about to get them. And wouldn't you know it, he gets stabbed with a fucking umbrella, not unlike the fucking end of the goddamn scream. Oh, wow. And then they get away. And then the cops come.

And this is to your point, Eric, the uneven seesaw of the like the breakfast club, you know what I mean? Like, we're all in there together. Who hasn't seen? You know, Bender has more stuff because he's a sexy lead. But not much. This, we get Elijah Wood's parents

we go back to his house for a while and it's the great Chris McDonald's so no complaints here which is great but that you've decided on a main character let's stick to it exactly that it's the Casey movie and that's okay but just make it the Casey movie because we you know he it's your classic

oh you know the cops come nothing is wrong I think the one of the cops is the other guy the cameraman from screen two yes oh wow yeah good call our buds are here and just sort of like You know, like, I think like baby Newhart, it's like, oh, maybe, you know, kids have crazy imaginations. Look at this.

She's like, she's like, you're like, oh, it's Sally CPR. This is what we use to teach the kids chest compressions. You silly little weeners, it was just a dummy. I guess he was just being a dumb baby that was scared of everything. Oh, my God. Is that smell from the, oh, my God. Is that from the doll? Yeah, she smells like a dead body.

We all said, you know, teacher nulls in here earlier, so that might be some residual. Hey, Robert, when that CPR doll is done, where's that going to go? Is that got to just go to the scrap heap because I see a mouth and you take it and it's just I put a little wig on there and all of a sudden it's CPR Salma. Robert, just do your buddy, Harry a favor here. Give Salma one of my sweatswoppers. See if she used it. she might use it. You don't know.

And then I'll have the gold. Sweetswap. Como so did she a sweat swapswopper? You see, it's a pad I made with my buddy who lives in my garage. Yeah, that's the important part. He made it himself. Absolutely. But yeah, so it is the whole, like, now the parents, you know, Chris McDonald's like, are you on drugs?

Are you doing drugs? This is a great moment. He's like, all right, take away the phone, take away the modem. That took me back. I like seeing that. He grabs the big motor. He does say internet though. There's no internet.

And I was like, ooh, that's weird. Chris McDonald's chomping in this scene and I'm fucking here for it. Absolutely. Well, that's, I'm hearing, I'm like, oh, is this the rest of the movie? Come on, baby. Come on, he's a part of the lead. Let's go, please. Because again, if this is a movie that makes sense, of course the parents would be next.

You know what I mean? Like, it's everybody but the kids because the kids can't trust the adults because that's an actual analogy that makes any sense and works. And that's the annoying part, right? is like, while the movie is happening, there's also this other much bigger movie where the entire town is being, like, turned. Because, like, BB New Earth gets the cop right here.

So the dude, this officer marshal, whatever, the dude from Scream 2 comes out and he's like eyeing Elijah Wood, you know? So, like, that's going on. So, like, it's happening to the town. And you need that thing where it's like, then it's like, knock, knock, officer Marshall on the door. Christopher McDonald answers like, like,

oh, officer, what can I do for you? Oh, there's been a development. If I may come inside and talk. you like you have to have that stuff happen. Also very embarrassing. Yeah, no internet so no reading any cool news for you buddy but then he's like and also

what you take away is porno and the mom is like oh yes the porno and grabs this mac. Dude Elijah Wood getting a copy of Boob magazine. Pretty great. I'd thumb through that periodical if I had it available. I just love when you have fake porno mags

is like we're not going to pay for Penn House we're going to pay for Playboy. But you got to do better than boob magazine taking your copies of boob ass and thigh not thigh yeah yeah i know you love that one oh god it's all crinkly you're gonna have to have david crumhol's painters and pornographic pictures instead no more magazines for you oh so we get so here's a question oh yeah all right so do do you think Andrew kegan went up to crumalls like i got this big scene but i don't know what it is Or is it a thing We're like

He's doing it wrong Three or four times And Crumhol's like Give me that And like stop This goes here That goes there You are all over the map

What is this? What are you drawing there? Is that a cucumber? That's your penis is green But do you see this in the I don't remember I don't remember You know who's penis is green

Film Critic Hulk Smash What a genius You know this penis is green Film critic Harry Noel Yeah, gang With jealousy Angrene

Elijah Wood multiple times in this movie is throwing out the titular line Oh yeah You can't have the same kid doing it

And one of it's right here Because like He's in his room And it's just like Harrumph I'm gonna sneak out And continue investigating And he opens the window

And this shit comes to nothing too Sure does Like open the window And uh oh The three faculty members Are outside And like he falls Like off the roof or whatever

and they're looking at him and McDonald comes out and he's like, no, dad, look, they're here. It's the faculty. It's like, you are directing scenes for trailers and it's really obnoxious. And, okay, I get that they're aliens and who knows what these powers are, I guess, but like how are these guys disappearing

like ghosts out of nowhere? Like, it'd just be like Von Bargand jogging down the street or something. Well, there's another scene where he just seems to be driving around neighborhoods waiting to pick somebody Well, they're setting up, actually it's very smart that they disappear immediately. They're setting up

they all disappear in the third act. Every last one of the faculty disappears as the third act. So like the next day this is when like things start to get more intense. We're calling people into the principal's office, one by one and infecting them. And like that's kind of really systematically

a thing. It very much reminded me of that great treehouse of horror sketch where they're eating the kids and it's like, detention. Yeah, they're all getting called in And it's like, oh, yes, Nurse Salma Hayek, the alien is doing ear exams. Yeah, you know, I wish I knew like an end of point, like eating them. Like, that's something.

Right. This is like, I guess, the slow assimilation, I guess eventually of the entire planet. Well, that's the weird thing, right? Is like, what a surprise when this Mary Beth character is like giving her big parlor scene at the end as the queen alien. Right. it's just a weird she's like my planet was dying so I came here and I want to make you like

my people to some day it's really like to go now my planet needs right no it just it doesn't can't pick a lane it can't pick what to do and also don't explain you're way better off not explaining no I mean the thing doesn't explain a goddamn thing you know what I mean like just don't explain like if she's just like

yeah I'd have prefer to screech yeah the monster screeches that's your explanation but when she does reveal that she's the queen I do like the shadow tentacle thing. That's pretty cool. It's a pretty neat effect. But I think it's a thing where like And the nudity. Sure. It's a pretty neat effect.

No, but it's like when she's doing that and everything, like once she turns into the monster, it should be the one and done and she's just the monster the whole time. But the fact that she goes back, yes, that's how we get the nudity, I guess. But like, then she's just talking again. And I'm like, now you're just, you're not

menacing. I'm sorry. This girl I'm sure was very nice, but she's just not. have the juice whatsoever. She's not. I mean, she was a suicide king. It's all either going to get out. So we see, you know, the kids are all starting to get suspicious now and they're starting to like, you know,

realize something's up. And the teachers are acting funny also, not just the ear exams, but like we are seeing like Christopher McDonald drops Elijah Wood off at school. And in the background there's a huge water truck that pulls up like a pollen spring kind of office cooler supply truck.

And we get to look into this fucking teacher's lounge and it's like, where the ear exams are happening, but also Harry Null's lugging jugs of water cooler water. Oh, man. The only jugs he was allowed to consensually touch. Oh, excellent. Hey, Sal, am I just doing anything for you?

I could move this water around. Oh, that must have been 500 pounds. Wow, I'm getting such a workout. Salma. Oh, I'm going to need some, I'm going to need a bicep massage later. Salma, I've seen your desperado scene 491 times. You want to act it out for 492. I'm worried we're going to get some backlash from the knoll heads. Oh, man. They're like the Knights of Ren. They've been banished to the fucking far moods. They'll be gone forever. They'll show up for five seconds. would be easily dispatched.

Something, something, yeah. I think Zeke starts flirting with Mary Beth here. They kind of make out for a hot second. A little bit of kiss in there, not too shabby. We get a thing where it's like the aliens like they know that for whatever reason like Zeke's drugs can hurt them. So you have this thing

where Wiley Wiggins and convicted rapist Danny Masterson are going up to him like, hey man you got any more scat and he's like yeah here you go and he's like oh cool you got any more scat and he's like wow you guys really like to party and like gives them more and then they're like

but what about some like they're trying to shake him down and get all of it and he's like why don't you just use what I gave you and then like come back or whatever and so are they now the aliens that are like yes give me your gun yeah basically yeah this is when um

famca Jansen gets turned and she She goes up to Zeke and she says If I see you doing this again I'm going to stick my foot so far up your ass You'll be sucking my toes till graduation To which Quentin Tarantino said Ha! Hey Robert, just watching the faculty man

I gotta tell you that toe line man I had to pause it Did that ever happen for real? Could you tell me about it? Hey Kevin, I know you do a lot of research for your movies Did that ever ever have real? I mean, look, you got a picks. It's, there are worse ways to go.

Sure. You're having Famke Janssen's toes in your mouth. Sure. Through your ass. Through your ass. It's moving. It's working its way up the ass through the mouth. She also calls him a big, a great big bastard mistake.

Like, she lays into this. It's actually really good. And she's like, where is your mother Europe? Who gives a fuck? And it's like, oh, wow. Like, she says something like, is this real or is it another one of your Dickless, drug-induced hallucinations. Uh, miss, miss, I'm hard as a rock right now.

I just, I can't continue school. I'm sorry. I just, you keep yelling all these insults at me and my dick gets harder and I think it's going to pop off. You gotta stop talking to me. I have to go to the hospital. I, I, I, is there a hospital just for hard ons? Because you got to, you should bring me to that one because this is a problem now.

Yep, welcome to hard on hospital. Got another gusher. Oh, man. We only treat one thing here at Hardin Hospital. It's migraines. It's really just a room where we tell you to masturbate. Yeah, oh, come on in. Yep.

Oh, painful hard on, go jerk off. Next. It's still hard, huh? Well, try again. You know, this is your fifth time back here in a week. I'm going to say, now you're jerking off too much. You got to go to the other way. Stop touching it for a week.

See what happens. This is where we get basically the faculty equivalent of the very famous. is scream video store scene. Yes. More or less because this is, we've got Stokely here and Casey and the thing too is it's not just movies

which is interesting because we're told that Stokely's a big reader of science fiction novels. Robert Heinlein. Right. Right. Master's. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so this is our big like oh, what if it's, this is I wanted them to be like, oh by the way

before we started this conversation, the two of us smoked the biggest blunt in the world because it is the highest fucking conversation where he's like what if the X-Files was right the whole time really high thing to say and then they start talking about oh what if aliens have been here

the whole time and they were the ones that created the science fiction work so that when they did finally invade no one would believe them because no one believes people in these science fiction stores it is the highest conversation

it is and there's also a line that's like, well, oh, your invasion body snatchers is a book, it's in fictional dumbass or whatever. Yeah, shows, so's Schindler's list. I guess, I mean, I don't know. Is that, you filing that under fiction? I mean, it is Ohio and or Texas.

Yeah, I don't know what the curriculum says over there. There is a great super dated line where I think it's, uh, uh, Elijah Wood is like, so what? All these great, all these directors, Lucas, Spielberg. Sonnenfeld I rewound it I was like

Seinfeld What the fuck Is it what Lucas Spielberg Sondentfeld Emerick All these guys And I'm like

We're just dropping Emiric by the way Yeah no thanks And also that's not Dude we're making Multiple men in black We're talking Yes

You wouldn't believe it To watch this movie And Men in Black was the biggest movie in the world When this movie was written Men in Black

Interesting is how it's funny And entertaining contained character-wise, not a lot of people to juggle. Two leads, not seven. Well, it's well-made, so clearly extraterrestrial lies. They're just laying the groundwork.

It was all astroturfing. They all go into the science lab because they want to look at Elijah Wood's specimen to see how it's changed. And wouldn't you know it, John Stewart shows up. And it's amazing. Like, John Stewart really quickly,

he locks the door and he's like, this is not happening. And then, like, I think maybe Elijah Wood tries to grab him, and he throws him. Yes, he does. And I mean immediately. Josh Hartnett has said time and time again, he doesn't believe in this alien thing.

But immediately, all John Stewart does is shove Elijah Wood. He grabs this fucking paper cutter like a machete like he's about to murder this dude. I'm like, yeah. Okay. Dude, I think it's the fucking scat talking, man. You never know what that stuff's going to do to you. It is wild. Dude, dude, I'm going to fucking cut this guy's head off.

There's so much weird shit going on in this scene. Because when it starts, he's like, this is how I make my drugs. I steal shit from school, all the chemicals or whatever. And this kid around, who knows what fucking Bunsen burner gas lines and chemical fucking compounds

and whatever else, just smoking a bogue. Just lighting up in the science lab. Dude, you are asking for it. I mean, if you're in the middle of an alien invasion, yeah,

I start doing it. But he cuts Stewart's fingers off really bad. They travel around the room faster than Harry Knowles' fingers at a film screening, if you know what I'm saying. I do know what you say. I put it together. Yeah, these little, these CGI little creepy crawly gropers happening here. And that's what I call them two gropers.

And don't worry, in a minute, we're going to have an homage to the thing. Oh, you sure are. But this whole, I mean, this whole thing with Stewart, this is the scene that I remember because, yes, he gets. it's a pen full of scat because that is the scat delivery system is a little big pen that doesn't have the ink tube in and it's just got scat

and man, Hartnett jams it into this dude's eyeball and Stewart goes down for the count pretty wild shit. This is nothing like his Big Daddy character. And it's a good practical effect too like you see like it's him. It's just like a thing on his eye. It looks pretty good.

Yeah, when they go back over to the body and it's just like dead and it's And then he turns into TV static and melts It's kind of TV It's like a little white noise It's kind of frustrating though Right because like The movie is telling you like

Yeah we did have the effects department To do some stuff Yes And like you you could do You know The alien in a way Where it's a fuck The xenomorph was a guy in a suit

Like you could do it But you think that like Bigger is better and just if it's just a big giant thing out of fucking mimic or whatever. You know what I mean? It's bad. Another movie,

butchered. The bad CGI really hurts this movie. Like the fingers look bad. It takes you out of it so, so immediately. I think around here we got another Von Bargain scene, which is amazing when he's telling all the kids to write down the list of all their living relatives. Our history project,

write down everybody. First, of course, starting with your immediate family. And then every living relative you can see. think of? Is this going to be on the test? This is the test. Yes. Like, okay. It comes to nothing, but I like it. But dude, how, but this is all that missed opportunity shit again for a movie that you have indeed titled the faculty. I need to see at least a fucking nefarious janitor as well. Yes. Yeah. Crazy that there's no janitors in this movie. But like, imagine you had a thing where like Von Bargans going around

with that list like, oh, hello, Mrs. Anderson. You're the aunt of Clea Duval's character. May I come in for a moment? Exactly. That would be great. Because otherwise that shit is like, I mean, you get why he's doing it, but like, I need to see that executed. Or you got you, you have Christopher McDonald, have a scene with the two of them. Like, he's just at the house. I think there is a little, a glimpse when he drops Casey off for school.

Yes. I think it might be Von Barger. It might be. It's Robert Patrick. It's Patrick. He goes up to the car and like leans on it and that just lets you know that he's done for. Yeah. Okay.

Which is fine. But I need to see. Like, I want more. that. I need to see if they're going to do that. I don't think he's in the movie after. No. Neither is Robert Patrick. He's got three more lines, ladies and gentlemen. In that car scene, though, that you just mentioned, that's where McDonald does the shooter. Oh, right. With his finger, it's pretty fucking cool. He's got the great mustache of this movie. So they, they wind up going to Zeke's house. They realize, oh, shit, school's fucked. Let's go to Zeke's house, which if IMDB is to be believed,

is the same house for multiplicity, by the way. Now, I don't know how true that is because it didn't look like the detached garage matched up the same way. Well, it's got a lot of derivative stuff in it. This is written by the third fucking Kevin Williamson clone. Steve.

Drinking a lot of Coca-Cola and write this script. Steve Williamson, he's the real workaholic one. Blood fart. Then we get eating spaghetti all over himself. And it turns out at home,

Josh Hornet likes to torture animals. He's got this he kills this rat pretty quick it's crazy because you know what that tells you not the first time he's done that oh definitely not at all he's probably testing scat on it forever and it or you know the prior mice or whatever this is yeah rat or whatever it is he like what is he feeds the fucking monster to it or and then he cuts it open and then he kill oh my god he puts the monster in the cage it immediately assimilates the rat and then he breaks the rat's neck he just puts his hand into the cage and crushes this living animal with his bare hands. Which none of these kids react appropriately enough. That's Dumbertown. If I was in some kids

house in high school and all of a sudden that dude just squows a rat's neck and killed it in front of me, I'd have something to say. But the stakes are high here Andrew. We just killed the science teacher. Yeah, once I guess that's true. Also, once I see the alien thing doing it, I'm like, oh, we got bigger

fish to fry here. I'll let the rat die. If not for the Yes, I understand what you're talking about. But the confusing part of this scene for me is like, so that happens. He kills this rat, which also he names a George or whatever. Like, don't do that. Don't name this thing. Don't make me, whatever.

I didn't appreciate that. But so that happens. He kills this rat or whatever. But then, I guess the kid got distracted or something in the movie because the next thing I know, he's doing an operation on this rat stuffed animal. I was just praising the practical effects, but this fucking stuffed animal cut open on the table is really funny. Well, that's, I mean, of course, and Josh Hart,

Dr. Hartnett, who's like, he just got out of Columbia, don't you know? Yeah, well, he's about to help Oppenheimer make the bomb. Yeah, he's going to get Oppenheimer Jr. Dude, and there's also a part too. This is where the gun comes into play. It's like Elijah Wood sees it. It's just, of course, a gun just casually on his science counter. This kid is not cool, man.

I don't know what's going on. Dude, and it's crazy because, like, you know, Casey is looking rightfully like, what the fuck? And Hartnett's character has to be like, yeah it's a gun yeah exactly dude it's a fucking gun on your science desk what are we doing you're fire five months later

this movie is a totally different movie yeah absolutely you wait till April the faculty well we should find out honestly some researcher to find out what Dylan Claibol and Eric whatever what were they doing on Christmas Day 998

they're watching the faculty that's what my thoughts well if you watch Gus Van Sance Elephant, you'll think that maybe they were showering together. Yeah, they would have a nice little shower. I listened to a book on tape, the big Dave Cullen Columbine book. Oh, yeah.

Which is just great because every How the hell could you hear over the gunshots? Oh, come on. I'm sorry. I just do, it's one of those things that's just burned into my brain like this audio earworm. Columine by Dave Cullen. Like every, like it's an audio book.

Like he's introducing a game show? Every, every, like, you know, CD or in this case, but, you know, you have to make it for, like, every track would be, can I ask you, were you doing this on audio book? Because you didn't want to be the dude reading a Columbine book on the train. No, I was unemployed at one of my gaps in employment. Okay, so you got a grudge against society. I was walking dogs for a buddy. Sure. And I was like, I'll listen to the audio book.

Got it. Columbine, read by Katie Perry. It was a misty morning when it went out. There were fireworks the night before. Columbine. By James Belushi. Yeah, these kids, man, they're messed up. What they have to do is they have to eat a steak before they go to school.

And then they'll know masculinity and they wouldn't do this stuff. You know, the only part I agree with him on and hear me out, hear me out. The only part I agree with them on, they went bowling. Oh, yeah. But so, yeah, long story short, this gun would not. The God would not be in the movie. The gun would not be in the movie. So this is one where just somebody watched the thing.

And literally we're going to, we now realize that Scat kills it. So everyone needs to do a shot of Scat to prove that they're not part of it. Yes. Elijah Wood does it first. Does some really bad high acting right here. It's so bad. But it's also like. He turns into the Joker kind of.

I mean, here's the thing. I don't disagree with you. think you can also read it as like he's the nerd kid that's like definitely never smoke weed before or whatever. So it's like a ton of bricks. I've never felt this way and it's that amusing to me. Like remember that time cabin? We were at our buddy's house and we got Superstone and we were watching Robocop.

But then it was like we're going to play Nintendo 64 and I couldn't figure out how to hook up the Nintendo and it was the funniest thing in the world. Because that's like beginner level weed smoking. So I think that might be. Yeah, that's fair. But it is funny because it's also just like little Elijah Wood and he's just like giggling on the couch. It's very funny. And also because when you find out like you don't really know what SCAT is and then Judge Hart is like it's caffeine and a lot of household products.

I don't know what else I'm talking here. But that's why. Cough syrup? I think it's, that's exactly why though, because it's like you say the one thing. And then you don't tell the audience the rest of it because you don't want kids trying to make SCAT at home. All these kids are just doing meth essentially. Yeah, exactly. That's what I kind of thought was going on because he's got the big lab and everything.

And I was like, oh, he's making meth. But then it's like, that's just this fake thing that I make it up. But he does at some point, I think because the bully, the football guys, what the fuck's wrong? He's fucking tweaking, man. Let him tweak. Yeah. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let the boy tweak. You let that boy tweak. Let the boy tweak in your house. That boy is just tweaking. You leave him beat. Boy tweaking. by David Cullum And this scene would be better

Column by If there was more gravitas Or more to these performances Sure Yeah Of people just being like No I don't want to do you Well you don't have the president

From a clear present danger Being like well someone Ta me this fucking ghost Well yeah You know what carp John Carpenter does well Builds tension and releases it So like there's not

None of these shots allow you to build the tension even like visually it's not even doing it. They're doing all everyone does it. It goes down to Jordana Brewster and the girl from suicide gigs. Mary Beth I think is the character. And it's like oh you both have to do it and they both don't

want to do it and you know Mary Beth does it but then Jordana Brewster doesn't and then like here's something that I was confused about I thought it was one bug per person but when she shows that she's got like 40 bugs on her face. Because I think that it's like one bug just

you and then like you are going to be spitting bugs later for other people. I think that's it. Yeah. Yes. Because remember in the fish tank it replicates. It turns into two. Oh right. So it's it replicates in water your body. 72% water. So that's how it's replicating inside of you. Even more we've already learned from fucking the store like the store death just happened. You snort this shit and you're an alien. You die. Yes. Yeah. And it's like what? It's Jordana Brewster. We want her to be in the rest of the movie. Don't we? Everybody? Well, she almost

doesn't, then she like snarls and turns into a monster a little bit. I thought it was like she kind of did it. But I think it's probably the difference of like John Stewart's character got it through the eyeball into his brain versus like maybe like a little too. But there's something weird about that too because it doesn't happen immediately. It's like when he gets wet like when the wetness drains it down is when he gets hit by it. It's again one of these rules. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Especially with shit like this with aliens and whatnot, like you need consistency as far as.

it's like how you're killing them. What happens when you kill them? There's a mention of the older lady and why that she was falling apart is that it didn't take because she didn't have enough water in her body because of cancer medication or something. She kept getting too dehydrated

and couldn't like hydrate enough constantly. That Texas heat. She kept on drinking coffee. It's a diuretic. But she like jumps out the window and Bon Bargand just kind of picks her up. Yes.

It's kind of great. he's just there, the student driver car. Which, man, Von Bargain as the, like, the surly driver's ed instructor, that would have been cool to see. I would love it. It would be funny if, like, Boston is blaring from the fucking radio.

And this is when I think somebody, it might even be Stokely or Elijah Wood, because their lines kind of mostly get, they're the same. One of them is just like, oh, you know, if you kill the queen, then everyone else should turn back to normal. I'm like, well, why the fuck?

fuck would that be? Because we want to end a movie eventually? Listen, they're also vampires. Let's just get to the end. You know what? Why don't we put in some lost boys here for good measure? Get that in there. Yeah. What the hell? So now we're like getting towards the final act that we all despise. But we have this

a football game, not really a fan of the Pink Floyd cover by Class of 99. Dreadful. But we have the signs kill, kill, kill in the audience, which I love. So now I guess everyone is assimilated on the whole team. And we're actually when we're hitting people, we're really like knocking people down, like really like throat fuck at these kids. And we're putting like the, we're also when they're down, we're putting aliens in them. Which I thought this was kind of cool. Like they're tackling. Yeah. And it's like you see the little warm. And it's kind of this great like all of the team got to say really great

fucking alien led defense on this football team. They are swarming these ball carriers. And it's they all jump on top so like the referees taking a long time to get off. Robert Patrick having the time of his life in this performance is looking great. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dancing around. And this is a part of the movie that makes sense because it's like, oh, so the aliens are violent. Therefore, the football game would be like this like perverse nightmare version of a football game.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Or even like a really, I mean, honestly. Or just a regular. It's a regular football game. It is, yeah, that's a close version of what a football game could be, but much more violent. What you're going to want to do is do an activity that makes all the moisture in your body. get out.

You don't want to retain any of that moisture like we said you might want to. This is what we need is we need the Robert Patrick to be running up there. We got to moist up these boys. Here's your pool.

My boys moist. He's just got kitty pools on the side. All right. Once you're off the field, get in your kitty pool. Hose girl. Get him.

Alien Bobby Bouchet. Get over here. I'm going to need five hoses on my boy. He's a quarterback. I got to say, though, we need some fucking flags on the field here.

There is one point where Usher literally clotheslines a kid. And it's it will always be badass. Like my grandma could have been doing this and it would look badass. The person doing the clothes lining is just standing there and

just reaches the arm out and lets the person run into it. Bad ass move. But we need some flags on the field. Oh, please. Yes. I mean, the referees might have had the fucking aliens. That's also true. You never know. But this is it is kind of cool because they're like, oh,

what is their big, like, advantage time here. Oh, the whole town is at the football game, because this is Friday night lights in Ohio. It occurs to me that this might have worked and the faculty thing might have been able to actually work if this

was all on one day. Like Robert Patrick's thing and all that happens in the morning. And then like the plan is get them all quick during the day because there's not real schedule because it's the day of the big game. And everybody's like talking.

You're totally right. And then you can at least have all the drama be compressed into one moment rather than half my problem is that like I'm like, after a two days is this, I'm not going to fuck it. I don't care of Christopher McDonald. I will literally, Chris McDonald can take all my, take the roof off my fucking room. I don't care. I'm not going. I think part of, they do try to say at one point or another, like, I think it might be around when we're leaving the garage or whatever. And it's like, why don't we just get the fuck out of here?

And they're like, because we are the only ones that know about this. and if we don't do anything. Because Elijah Wood, I think, has the line. Like, they took the whole school in one day. Like, if we don't try to do something, the world is over, which, like, the stakes are that high, but the movie fails to actually amp that up in any real way.

It doesn't feel like it. Any real way. Instead, we just, like, we're in the empty gymnasium. For ages. Just regroup. Like, I don't understand why we're even at this location. But anyway, B.B. Newith shows up, and there's this whole debate about if she's one of them or not.

Just stab her with the scat. or shoot her in the head. Columbine by Dave Collins. I mean, Hartnack comes out a blazing and shoots this woman in the head, dude, really wild turn for this movie. It is a wild turn. They're like, oh, like nothing's

happening to her. And then it's a weird, like, oh, we just fucking killed a, we killed that poor woman, you know. And it's blood everywhere, which is nice to see. But then, yes, we finally see the creepy crawlies coming out of her. So what happens now? Do they when they kill the queen, does those

little creepy crawlies put her brain back together after being shot. Well, yeah, and they're going to put, yeah, the flesh, the flap that was open is going to be. Okay. That's also going to be handled. The front of your skull. The front of the skull. But what is... Busted my flesh flap.

The important part of this is that Mary Beth, who has like the drug gun, it's this big bulb full of it. I guess that's like how he loads the pens. Yeah. And she just like throws it at like, like, Does one throw up B.B. Newworth where it's very clearly she does. And then pours it all out, which I guess now in retrospect, she's getting rid of the queen. She's trying to waste. I would have been like, oh, it's her.

Oh, we got to kill her. Let's kill her. Yep. But then they're like, oh, I guess we, how do we know if we want? You know, Stan, you want to go check out? What do you go out by yourself? This is the stupidest fucking part. And it's lazy as shit. And also kind of funny eventually.

It's all, it's, I got so many emotions watching this movie. But like, that's really dumb. like, oh, now I must go out and be the hero. And I was like, but Stan, is it your movie, man? I don't really know. And like, he goes out. Yeah. And like, Robert Patrick is menacing and shitty.

And it's like, oh, oh, and then Stan comes back immediately. Yes. And so it's like, why bother cutting then? No, show me. You revealed it in 25 seconds. No. Just show me. Look.

Usher, get them or whatever. Do you want all these people to be scared? Huh? What's wrong with you? You want these people to feel tension? What the fuck's wrong with you? If we're like stuck in the gym, what if like Robert Patrick starts knocking on the door?

You know what I mean? Like this is kind of spooky scary. And then Piper Lorry is like, hello. Like you had her. The fucking faculty could show up. That's the thing. The faculty needs to descend on these children. And instead, like, it's not even Robert Patrick.

He literally just sends the football squadron after them. Because, of course, Stan is turned and you know he's turned because he's turned because he's starts calling Stokely a bitch and, you know, being nasty to her and whatnot after. He won't do the drugs. Yes. Yes. He refuses do it. And it's, it's, it's kind of a good menacing, like he picks up the pen on the other side of the door and slowly

turns it over. Yeah. Which is, it's something, but like... We're doing a Salem's lot. Oh, it's better this way kind of a thing. Yes. Oh, I feel so great. Yeah, yeah, all that stuff. You'll be beautiful. Yeah. Meanwhile, it's Cleod Duval. Yeah, 1998. I'm doing it. I'm doing it just all right.

Totally fine. You'll wear a purple dress and be normal finally but yeah so open the fucking door right here by the way I'm sorry it couldn't save him like it did in World War Z there's a Pepsi machine

you cannot miss this Pepsi machine in the auditorium that's because you didn't take a drink you should have gotten a Pepsi and then you would have been able to kill this fucker it's got caffeine you could have killed it

with the Pepsi yeah we're just gonna throw soda on them this is when okay we got the three litter of Pepsi to get the mentos. Hartnett, by the way, is like, oh, no, you know, I think I have more drugs in my car. I'm like, why the fuck are they in your car ass hole?

Like, what is that doing? Totally, dude, you got to clear that shit out. So then it's like we got to run through the rainy parking line, you know, to get to his car or whatever. And this is, it's so dumb. And I just could not help but laugh. So, like, the football team's coming after them. And, you know, he's turned into an alien.

and I guess it's like maybe the pressure to conform with the rest of the alien football team. Why does Stan change into a jersey in shoulder pads right here? Really? I missed it. All of a sudden, when you see the football team like running down on all of them, Stan is leading the pack and he's got shoulder pads in a jersey on. Oh no, he's one of them. It's just dumb. Elijah would goes in the bus and gets like sexually harassed by Jordana Brewster. Man, Steve, wasn't it crazy?

what are the odds, dude. Yeah. In a parking lot that is filled with school buses, he picks the one that Giordana Brewster's hiding in. Unbelievable. It's good luck is what that is.

Dude, and then to escape this bus, he jumps through the emergency roof hatch thing, like he's fucking Spider-Man. No way! Yeah, he's got a web slinger going on. I mean, the stupider thing

is the heart-knit thing with Famkey Jansen. Yeah, she's in his car. And, like, doing the whole thing and like, come on, don't you want to be this way? And then he hits her with the car? No, she's in the back seat of the car. She's like, oh, he hits the spot.

She throws her head through the window to stop him from getting away or whatever and crawls in. There's, yes, it's, yes, she, she crawls into the car and he drives away, like, with her in it. There is, man, we didn't, we didn't touch on it during the first harassment part, but part of it is Harry Knowles. When she's, when she's, when she's, when she's giving. Even Hartnett's character, Guff about, like, slinging in the parking lot or whatever, he's like, oh, miss whatever, maybe you need some, you know, lactate shit or whatever.

And then she's like, no. And he goes, what about some of these? They're cherry flavored. And it's condoms, right? So the call back here is he's like, oh, you're looking for some of those, you know, diarrhea pills or constipation pills or whatever it is. And she's like, no, I'm looking for something a little more cherry flavor. I'm like, okay, cool, I'm an alien now. That rules.

Yeah, oh, if this is what being an alien is going to be like, absolutely, where's the earworm? Turn me now, but then I need to go to the hospital again. You know what? You might as well take the risk, you know, it's just like, well, they'll probably find the queen and fix everyone anyway. Yeah, they'll be fine.

So she's in the backseat, and he speeds off. Yes. And he hits a bus. She goes flying into a humongous explosion. straight out of like Death Wish 4 this explosion. Because it's Roderudry is that's what he does. Let him have his fun. And she gets decapitated.

And did you know right before this there was an homage to the thing? Did you know that? You might have forgotten because you know what? Here comes another one, you fucking pig. There's tentacles coming out of Fancy Jansen's head. It looks

like shit. On the shot chart, you know, you got all your like your index cards on a bulleted board. You look at both of those and you're like, that's too many. You know what I mean? You're just like, yeah, we've got to go with one. Absolutely. Come in here. We've got a story meeting.

We could only do the one absolute thing rip-off. Only one. And I'm thinking we stick with the kids with the drugs because I was looking at this and this looks like fucking shit. Exactly. It's such an easy decision. Do the one where it's just kids in a tense situation

talking to each other and getting all paranoid. not the CGI head The body's looking for the head The body's looking for the head It's kind of silly And she does put it back on It's also sort of like a Mars attacks Yeah yeah

That's the sound of Harry Knowles coming Fantastic facts And real dumb And all of this Because like all of this you have raced to crash your cool GTO into this school bus. There's kind of a cool thing where he's trying to get the seatbelt on pretty cool. He sees this head and I know they're just trying to play it for laughs,

but we're in the third act of this movie. He's just goes, he looks at the head and he goes, oh, fuck this and drives away. And I'm like, no, no, no. You're trying to like stop this. I need a second rundown or he picks up the head and throws it in the fireball or something. Like, I don't know. Look, we already know we kill the head one and then they all go away. Why bother with this?

I mean, the guess I had is clearly right. Which comes true because at this point, Mary and Beth reveals herself by attacking Stokely. Right. And she starts, she starts shopping on scenery that she just can't do. Yeah, you know what? Maybe you didn't need to order the all you can eat buffet, maybe just a little side salad of scenery. She is cracking her teeth on this scenery, dude. When Zeev runs in, there's a brief, like, I'm not, no, it's not me.

She's the one. Oh, not her, me. And she's like, naked. Meanwhile, it's like, well, why are you naked? Well, that's the whole thing, right? Is, like, she starts, she hits Stokely or whatever. And then, like, she's chasing Stokely and Casey, Elijah Wood's character around. We get into the gym here, getting a little bit ripping off Chud to Bud the Chud's climax.

If you ask me, which no one did. But then it's just like the thing like jumps in the water, you know, and. yeah, then she comes back out of it. And this is what I'm saying. Like, once she jumps back out of the pool as the monster, it needs to stay this, not come in and just be naked, girl. Shud, too. Bud the Chud by Dave Cullen. That was a fucking great adaptation, by the way.

Really faithful to the film itself. Knock be a lady. A memoir. By B.B. New Earth. To compliment the end of this movie in some way, I do think the idea, eventually this monster starts chasing Casey, Elijah Woods It turns into a battleship in the water like all of a sudden it goes from being

a pretty like good looking little character to this humongous thing moving through the water like it would displace all the water. That's not what I'm complimenting. What I'm complimenting is I think it's pretty clever for a high school set movie to have the bleachers

retract as a set piece. Yes, this is pretty cool. And that's it, you know, that's kind of the last thing. I think everybody gets knocked out except for Casey The X-Files already did it. Oh. What if the X-Files was real?

Did you ever think about that? I haven't, Scully. There is, I mean, the cool stuff with all the shadows, it reminded me very like Jacques-Tunur horror, like 40s horror, like cat people kind of shit. Yeah. Pretty neat idea where it's like you see her as in human form, but the shadow is the alien and whatever.

I agree. I think that's a good point. But also, you have to listen to them talk and that's a real problem. Well, that's because she is just spewing all of this scenery chomping dialogue about her home planet. It used to be filled with all these oceans. I guess she came from fucking Avatar land or something. And oh, but then all of the stuff, all of my planet started drying up. So I was the only alien that left it. And like, I need like, where's the fucking ship?

How did you, like, just if we're actually explaining stuff, which we shouldn't. Yeah, yeah. But that's the thing. Like, buy the ticket, ride the ride. Dude, you're fucking trying to do this. You have to give them deets. If we're doing all, like, sci-fi movie references, the invasion of the body snatchers should be the first wave.

Yeah. We should get a flying saucer in the end. Yep. Yeah. Absolutely. Do you think that there was somewhere somebody was going to do the Donald Suzzling? I think they wanted that to be, like, the end of this movie. Like, that would be the last shot just like in the 78 body snatchers.

But they were like, that's true. two-nail on it. We'll get fucking sued. Erwin Winkler. John Carpenter has already taken us to the bank. So the yeah, the bleachers closes on the monster and then he stabs it. Yeah. And it coughs up

a bunch of little snot monsters that go into Elijah Wood's face. And then they fall out of his face pretty quickly. And then like wouldn't that, wouldn't he have scars on his face forever? Because they fixed it on the way in. Yeah. And then everyone else is fine now. Everything's good. One month later. Oh, man.

Well, before one month later, I just have to just point out this really bizarre thing that happened. That when the alien was killed, it went from being a CGI cartoon nightmare to an actual fucking puppet that was sitting there. And I'm like, you guys had the puppet. I feel like the puppet is used once or twice. There's a couple of shots where there is some puppet. Not a ton, but some. When it's standing on the bleachers when she first reveals herself, that is a puppet. puppet. And then when

not when Stokely first gets hit, but the second time it comes out of the water to get both of them, it's a puppet there as well. Okay. All right. I thought that was the only instance of, but even worse than. It looks good here. But the the CGI is so bad. I'm glad Chris was on puppet patrol. Always

Eric. But they all wake I saw the light Eric. They wake up. I don't know, like, here's the thing. You've got Elijah Wood, Stokely, and Zeke. They survive. Yep. End of movie. Right? It's just like, wow. like maybe you want to do once a month later like man he put flowers on graves or something

sure have the stakes have the balls that this matters one month later literally everybody's alive it's awful makes no sense it just makes no darn sense well yeah he's playing football now remember he's a 13th grader and now he's doing this for his final few months of school

yeah I guess so but you know he's the fucking badass because he is smoking on the football field And fucking the teachers. It seems like. Which nowadays is frowned upon. But yeah, it is a real like, miss whatever is willing to risk it all with Josh Hartnett. She's there watching the practice. It is kind of neat.

She does have a thin pink scarf like around her neck. Even though it's dumb that she's alive again. Like it's at least a nice little like detail that I guess she's got little decapitation scar there. Harvey, we've got back from the test screen. And here's the top note. they want Clea Duval to be normal they want Josh Hartnett to be a jock but not too much of jock

they want Josh hot and it to smoke and they want like all the deaths to just go away so it doesn't matter what happened and they want Harry and Ols to kiss Salmaheck oh that's Harry just for better sorry oh damn it that was from the fantastic

fest audience they all wanted it It's just so dumb because, like, like, think again about scream and how that ends at Stu Mocker's house. That's it. That's the end of the fucking movie. Blood everywhere. And, like, again, enough characters survive Randy. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you got plenty for a sequel. There's plenty of kids at the end of this movie for the faculty to the college years. Oh, well, there's a problem. Debuted fifth at the box office. Not a good, not a good Christmas day. I think that, like, it's very clearly a reshoot this one month later because Elijah Wood's hair is much longer. That's why it's why it's. one month, dude. It's like, oh, fuck, we're

going to butcher and change this ending. He's better make it one month later because everybody looks completely different. He's already dressed like a Frodo guy. What would they call those? Hobbits. Hoppitt. Hobbit. Hobbit. Hobbits. Okay. Hobby bits. What do they call that? I'm just forgetting.

I don't know. What, the small, I don't remember. Listen, I got to remember a bunch of shit in here. It's true. Sometimes you just got to let one franchise go. Jordano Brewster shows him, the stupidest thing in the world, which are two, like, it's Newsweek and Time

who have Elijah Wood on the cover, not the fucking aliens. Yes. Oh, my God. Like, hero of school as opposed to aliens exist. God is dead. And take over your body. It's People magazine Generation Extraterrestrial.

Because everyone's still Gen X here. Meet the young teens who fought the alien terror. Next magazine. Time. Uh, hero or hoax? What really happened at the Harrington High alien invasion? You were just like setting up shit that does not matter for the last 20 seconds of this movie. Of course, the Hornet Weekly, uh, Delilah herself wrote this. Casey Connor saves school. Local boy, Casey Connor leads the fight as it. Cause I screenshot it to the actions. Oh, Eric. No. Local boy, Casey Connor leads the fight as aliens attempt to take over to Harritene High School.

Casey and his friends call me is Delilah. the wailing was a thing that happened by Dave Cullen by Dave Cullen I have to derail you somehow Oh no you know what Jordana Brewster's character can't write for shit Yeah she's no

She's no Zuckerman please Yeah no Andrea Zuckerman Please do not try And any other cool deeds There are actually cool deeds But I know they're just gonna be mocked So we'll move on Just do mockers in here.

They're definitely dating. They're making out right here. And because she's more comfortable with herself, you see. She's not so superficial that she's wearing contacts all the time. She's got some hot nerd girl glasses on right here. Can you even believe it? That's really something. And the Tommy Hill figure clothing is flowing.

Everybody's wearing some to live forever. It's to tell you that some things that uniformity brings you know are kind of okay. Having glasses kind of okay. I mean, yeah, and Stokely is making out with Stan, and she's wearing a pink dress. Like a girl, a standard issue girl's dress. Can I get a girl's dress on this girl over here, please? Finally. Black shit.

I want lavender. Jeans. Jeans on a girl, really, really? So we were making a movie here. Give me a girl's dress on clear Duval. God damn it. It's so fucking done. And she's like, because he's watching the football practice or whatever, and she's like,

Are you sure you don't miss it? And he's like, nope. Of course, Stan would never make out with her if she was wearing jeans. I mean, Jesus, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're telling me that this guy's going to want to kiss this girl. She's got a black t-shirt on? I don't think so.

Please take off the Sisters of Mercy shirt before we make out. And the last real line of the movie is like Jordana Brewster being like, oh, hey, Casey, there's the press here wants to talk. to you and he goes network or local and she goes both play that oasis and then we get a little

curtain call for all of our people and we get an okay enough joke with John Stewart with the eyepatch you know what I mean like it's an eye patch and like a donut a brace on his on his hand or whatever so he's back to life to everyone that is like that's

that's a scene that didn't make whatever the original ending of this movie was. You're not just filming that for a credit sequence victory lap. That was a scene that just became that. Very, very stupid. Yeah. And then you get,

this was, I think, the scariest part of the movie. And one of the, I'd rather have a fucking faculty earworm go in my brain than this Sean Mullen's changes cover. Oh, yeah. Flush this. right down the toilet.

It is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh my God, dude. It's abysmal. It almost made me hate music. Sean Mullins, that's what it'll do, dude. Rock a bye.

Yeah. Lola by. That fucking song was just, just put it in the trash compactor. Rock a bag. Oh, God. Oh, but that is the end. That is the end of this movie.

Go around the horn here. Final thoughts. Eric Siska. Get it up, folks. It's a... It's a... Bebap ba da-da-bo. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it was a directive to start now. I meant telling the kids to sniff meth or whatever to scissors speed or whatever. Get some riddle in or whatever. Have a good night tonight. Anyway. Yes. It's the lightest of recommends bordering and almost not. I feel like I like it less now that we've talked about it.

And sometimes that happens here. But it, it, despite its flaws, it moves wellish enough. And it's kind of just, for me, at least, sort of like a little nostalgia dip, you know, so it's the lightest of light recommends. Chris Cabin. No, it's crap. It's, I just think it's really badly made. Like, that's kind of my major issue. And yeah, like the fact that it doesn't, it can't decide anything.

I see it like, is uniformity good or is it bad? Is this a horror movie or just kids jacking each other off? I don't. with a water creature I don't know like all of this I was just kind of like I don't know

what you're trying to do here and I'm just annoyed the whole time yeah and I think you waste a good cast in the trade like they're they're bringing it

but like to what end right yeah not for me Stephen yeah to light recommend it's into Eric's point this is kind of like

a comfort food for me like it's I don't I haven't watch this movie in a long time I imagine I won't watch it again in a long time

but like I can just imagine catching this on cable on the right day and being like, ooh, the faculty's on. And just letting that happen to me. Even though it doesn't hang together, the third act is bullshit. It's literally one of the most chicken shit endings

I've ever seen. Yep. I will say I'll recommend also on that criterion list that they're playing is Ginger Snaps. Sure. Does not have a chicken shit ending. Does it have a chicken shit bone in its body? It's a pretty hardcore teen

werewolf super Canadian. Oh, dude, I was bet. Yeah, speaking of hardcore, hardcore, hardcore. Canadian. Yes, but it's, that's, that's kind of doing the same thing here. It's also a pretty good cast as well. Yeah. Yeah, I'll just say, yeah, White recommend for me, it had been ages, like I said, I think it plays fine until the third act. It is indeed, I would say, a hangover movie par excellence, because it's, the official runtime is just under two hours, so you get yourself a good with commercial breaks, like two and a half hour sludge fest of being hung over

on the couch. Pretty great. And as far as like Kevin Williams and carbon copying himself and whatnot. This is bad, but boy, oh boy, whenever we get around to West Craven's cursed, that's the nadir of this shit. I forgot about that. So stay tuned for us talking about that at some point because, dude, abysmal city.

And it's better than H2L, I'll say. What? This movie. Oh, it's neck and neck maybe. It's pretty close. Yeah, it's the same kind of like I would watch it if it's on. But I think also like...

At least that's got my friend Michael in it. Yeah, and it's got my girl, Jamie Lee and whatnot. Maybe you're right. But to Chris's point, I do think the cast is really good. And that's why I think overall, it's pretty unfortunate because they don't really get to do a ton. But, like, it is a stacked cast of most people that would go on to do bigger and better things. Sorry, Mary Beth. You had suicide.

Sorry, Harry Knowles. Yeah, and that's also, that's points. I feel like when this air is on television, they got to cut him out. Yeah. Well, the patent scan alone It'll just fucking do that. But like as you would cut out like, you know, people saying fuck or like a fucking pair of titty's going on.

You just should cut him out of the movie, man. It's obscene. It's obscene. It's awful. Awful guy. Anyway, that is the end of the movie. That's Robert Rodriguez is the faculty. If you want more, We Hate Movies, of course,

check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. And I'll say if you're already there listening to this, that means you have subscribed on the $8 level and up where you are getting these main feed WHM Prime episodes ad free right on the Patreon. So if you've, if you've had some commercials today, maybe you want to check

out that Patreon, check that out. There's a lot of other stuff going on. We got a we love movies episode coming up. That is what, Chris Cabin? Blade. That's right. Finally, the fat vampire enters the Pantheon. Oh, hell yeah. Love that guy, dude. Love that guy. Blood rape. Blood rape.

Animation damnation. Speaking of Texas. We've got King of the Hill coming up, which is an episode I've not seen. I used to really love King in the Hill. It's been a long time since I've watched it. I've never seen a full episode before. I've seen bits and pieces. I was just always like, oh, they got a cartoon for Texas now.

I got something for everyone. Oh, Eric, you are going to love Dale. I'm curious. I'm curious. You're kind of like Dale grible yourself there. I've heard that before. And I will say, because there was some like shock apparently. I saw some folks being like, why of all

the King of the Hill episodes of this one? Because it is the most requested King of the Hill episode when we do animation, damnation, listen to requests, moms. And what is the title? I don't remember. I'll... Isle 8? A.L. 4A. or something like that. Anyway, yeah. It's in the Big Daddy Dispatch if you get that.

So, Eric Siskel, who are we talking about at the Gleap Glossary? We will be talking about the pod racer pilots, not Sibulba, although we already have a Sibulba episode. If you want to listen to that. I mean, and then also the Nexus is back to its regular schedule. TOS,

and G. Recapping. You get all of that, all of what we just said at that $8 level. That's right. And if you bump up to 10, it's already out now. Another wild-ass Melro 210 episode. We're going to Paris. Well, the set is supposed to be Paris. Real abysmal, a piggish

American stuff. You're definitely going to want to check that out. And you want to be prepared folks. Because next month, you want to make sure you're subscribed. The Q3 commentary is coming out. And oh yeah, we are covering society

Brian Yazna's society and it'll be my first time watching it we're going to record it this Saturday FYI I've never seen that movie before I will react to it live on the air it should be a lot of fun yes even commentaries are at the $8 level and if you subscribe

today you don't just unlock this future programming you get all the old commentaries all the old animation damnations it's like hundreds of hours we even put up look how good we are look what saints we are We even have the archive of the first like 110 episodes or so now has its own RSS feed. You don't have to futz around downloading MP3s off a Google Drive like we had before.

You have your dedicated RSS feed for the first few hundred episodes. You're dedicated RSS feed for this show. The main event included now on Patreon. And speaking to the main event, both on the free feed and on our ad free $8 and up feed for We Hate Movies Prime, as we call it. The show continues next week with what, Steve? We're getting the steroid gang back together. It's Expendables 3.

Oh, yeah. We got Harrison Ford in this movie. We got Kelsey Grammer in this movie. Is it Wesley in this one? I think that's why we're doing. Wesley Snipes. Yes, Wesley Snipes also in this. I think, is Wesley the main villain?

I've never seen this one. It's been a while since I saw Expendables three in theaters. I mean, as soon as there, as soon as they're done, they leave my brain. They're not making can. But isn't your brain excited to have it leave again? Oh, yes. I mean, I'm excited to watch this one.

Any time to get some more Wesley Snipes. Absolutely. That's how I want. So until next week, when we reunite with Sly and the gang, I've been Andrew Jupin. And Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.