We Hate Movies - S14 Ep699: Exorcist: The Beginning

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

“If it’s Exorcist: The Beginning… let’s get some background on Pazuzu! What’s he up to? What was his deal?” - Steve  On this episode, the 2023 Halloween Spooktacular continues with a convo about the stunningly terrible prequel Exorcist: The Beginning! How bad are all these CGI landscapes? Why did they think an Exorcist film needed so many extreme gore-hound moments? Was that side-boob necessary? And really, Morgan Creek should have let Schrader finish his film with an appropriate budget and called it a day! PLUS: Your ears are not ready for the “Tubular Bells” knock-off at the end…  Exorcist: The Beginning stars Stellan Skarsgård, Izabella Scorpio, James D’Arcy, Remy Sweeney, Julian Wadham, Andrew French, Ralph Brown, Ben Cross, Alan Ford, Eddie Osei, and David Bradley as Father Gionetti; directed by Renny Harlin. Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, including Ad-Free WHM Prime at the $8 level and up! Be sure to get in early and get your tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza where we’re talking The Santa Clause! Check out the WHM Merch Store featuring new Polish Decoy, ‘Jack Kirby’, and Forrest the Universal Soldier designs! Today’s episode is brought to you in part by Nutrisense! To start decoding your body's messages and pave the way for a healthier life, visit  NUTRISENSE DOT COM SLASH WHM and get $30 off your first month and one month of board certified nutritionist support as well. When they ask how you learned about Nutrisense make sure to tell them it was the We Hate Movies podcast!

This week on the program, a movie so bad. They made it twice. It's Exorcist The Beginning. I'm Father Jupin. I am Stephen Siddak's Garsgard. Eric Siska, the beginning. Chris Dominion. And we hate movies. I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes, dead is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara.

He's sick for fucks he's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create a movie? psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. Put the fucking lotion in the bad. It's an excellent day

for an exorcism. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. We're in full blown Halloween spookacular mode, ladies and gentlemen. And this week, we're talking about a real rotten piece of shit movie. It's Exorcist, the beginning from 2004, directed by Rennie Harlan. And just to be clear,

we are not talking about Paul Schrader's Dominion, the prequel of the Exorcist. Two different films, folks. Two different films. Two different films. Both very bad. Yes. Hard to remember either, really.

Both Stellan Scarsguard and what the legend you guys were regaling me with was a Schrader kicked out of there. Shit can. Morgan Creek Productions was like, hey, we get the fuck out. And then this tanks, he gets 50 bucks from them to finish his original version.

and then that tanked and then that tanks and that also take it's a terrible fucking idea nobody cares it's sort of as crazy of an idea as making an exorcist film

now in 20 oh no no dude guess what dude two girls though what about that now there's two of them dude that's like David Gordon Green

like pitch into Warner brother yeah all right get this the first exorcist Reagan possessed yeah poor child poor young girl how about this

exorcist believer two girls get possessed. Howard, you've done it again. There's exactly $12 million. And you know, whatever, we are still basing that all off of the trailer reaction.

None of us have seen that movie yet. It could be good. I don't know. But, I mean, it looks so bad. Now, the question is when you're trying to get the ghosts out of, the demons out of these girls, are you doing one at a time? Are you doing like two separate priests and two different rooms?

No, no. You do, bro. I'm not at that part yet. Could you please? You're fucking it up. You're going too fast. We're not in sync. Okay. Clap.

Clap. Here we go. It's an exorcist dream, right? Two girls at the same time. My God. All right. Jerry, hang on. Just stop reading for a second, Father Jerry.

All right. Hang on. Okay, what? Did she tell you that your mother sucks cox in hell yet or what? No, my mother eats ass. Keep going. Yeah, I got a little bit of vomit in my mouth. it's demon vomit it tastes pretty

it's not good it's not good dude there is a moment in this motion picture where they definitely try to do a like one up the your mother sucks cocks in hell oh yes yeah maybe I'll find it in my notes when we get to it but it's just such an obvious like

hey did everybody see the first movie your father eats ass in heaven oh that doesn't work no that's not right they'll be eating ass in heaven these are better ideas for a movie. Give me a movie. I split your father like a turkey one time.

Oh yeah, well, he would have probably liked that. Give me a movie in hell where the mother is sucking cock. That's it. It's just two hours of her sucking cock. Oh, they have those movies. Those DVDs are usually like six hours long, though.

A compilation of scenes. Go to the video store. Yeah, not so much a movie per se, but a compilation of scenes strung together by a loose theme. I would I feel bad for Stelan Scarsguard. Yeah. I remember very clearly, like, in the fifth grade, like, I did a fucking terrible math test.

This lady gave me a test. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Did he not teach you? Was it a teacher or was a teacher? It was my math teacher. She was like, and you turned to Stelan Scarsgard, who was also in class with you. And you said, this sucks. But I failed it.

But I failed it really quick because I don't know any of this show. Like X, Y, 493. Here you go, sweetheart. And if you fail fast, it should be a D. But she comes back, so, oh, no, you could do better than this. Try again. And I'm like, no, I failed the test. I'm going to only fail this test again.

That is the Stelan scars. Like, I already failed. Can I just go home now? Mary, Mary, what are you doing? That little fat kid called me sweetheart. I'm going to make him do it over again. It's my test, sugar tits. I once had a math teacher handed back the, you know, like the corrected quiz or whatever.

Right. And I was like, I'm really, yeah, obviously. that didn't do well. Could you, real quick, could you just explain this one to me? I just want to see it done. And he said, no. Bad teacher.

That's a bad teacher. That's literally, literally his job. He said, no. And then he turned to the rest of the class and said, that was the easiest one. Oh, what a piece of fucking shit.

Yeah, but then he died of cancer. Oh, he's sucking cocks at hell. There you go. Perhaps. And maybe one day, I'll get down there myself

and take my britches on this. Mr. Cisca, that is the dividing symbol. That means you divide it. I was like, could you explain this one? And it's the number one. What is that? Is that a line? Is that an L?

Well, that's how we start the numbers, son. So I divide the L and it's what, two lowercase eyes? Quick question. Now we're just on the, the second cock. Sure. Here's your question. Like, I never had the pleasure. Is it the deep?

You will. You will. is it like demons then because like if it's other poor demented souls it's a pretty good week for those guys well i think it's probably maybe a little like uh oh boy i can't believe it's happening again i'm getting my cock sucked in hell maybe it's a field trip from heaven it's like everyone get on the bus we're gonna get our dicks suck i mean the suck bus lucifer the devil is very good at what he does you would think that he probably if if you enjoy sucking he's probably doing something else

at that time that you don't like you're having like needles just stabbed into your back while it's happening yeah yeah by the way anything did not talk about Exorcist the beginning I just said they could be phantom cocks or maybe the demons are given a cock for the day

yeah no but you don't want a demon suck in your cock though do that he's demon cocked that she is suck oh sure so it's a little yeah it's probably bigger maybe vainier maybe a little like some goat hair on there one of those big like monster dildos

that Steve knows that company name bad dragon whatever yeah it's you got a couple bad dragons in your mouth no all right so here's something that's dumb this movie starts with I thought we were doing like a fucking Dracula untold

because it kind of is right like we're starting in the 16 whatever's or whatever this is supposed to be this is very confusing because they the captions say medieval priest here. And I think Wikipedia said 500 something. Yeah. It's all over the map. It seems like it should be the crusades. Some of the armor looks Roman-esque, but maybe that was still hanging around. But this is all the shit that we're told like went down in this village in Africa way back

when. So like it's Africa. It looks nothing like Africa. It looks like fucking Eastern Europe or something. Yeah. We went out to Santa Fe for the weekend. Shot the holy city. It looked different back then. And he's done. The one priest goes up to the other priest and like the guy, he went to the gift store and got the Pizzou, you know what it? It's like the small one, though. Because you don't want to take the big one on the plane.

No, exactly. These are the mass produced ones, not the handmade ones. Those are an extra $5. You know what? If it's the exorcist's beginning and we do have the Pizzu statue here, we have the Pizzu statue a little later in flashes. Let's get some background on Pizzuzu. What was he up to?

What's his deal? Sure. that I would appreciate. Just some sort of like, oh, a reading from the book of Pazoso or whatever, you know. It's all about Cox. He looks like Burdow's boyfriend a little bit, like kind of a, or a Denver The Last Dinosaur-esque, with like wings on a little bit. File not found on that one. I'm sorry.

Dino the last dinosaur, wasn't. No, Denver. Oh, you're right. Oh, Dino was the Flintstones. Dino was the Flintstone dog dinosaur. Folks at home. We've actually done an animal. Damnation episode on Denver

the last time. That's right. Denver, the last dinosaur. He's your friend and a whole lot more. Anything to not talk about this movie?

I mean, so this thing opens it. And to my knowledge, the only real weight it has on the thing is that we call back to it at the very end. Yeah.

That's essentially it. It's this like, you know, the cycle of evil. This will always happen again kind of a situation. Again, just say Pizzuzziu at some point. Like, oh, this scroll says Pizzuzziu and yada, yada, yada, yada.

He cursed his town trillions of years ago. Well, if you say too much, Beetlejuice style, that could happen. Hey, babe, it's me, Pizzu. Horny. Look, I'm grabbing my Pizzu dick. Better movie, Stellen Scars guard hanging out with Pizzu Zoo, you know? Absolutely. They're trapped in a hotel together.

Hey, Stellen, want a Zagnut? Come on. I don't want that. Get that away from me. The dude should say, because like the guy is like dying, holding on the little idol here when this other priest tries to get it.

The dude at least right there should be like, pussos, or fuck all anything. Well, okay, but look, they do do something. They vaguely recite scenes that have made happen years ago. You kind of remember.

remember, like, this kind of looks like the beginning of the first one. Maybe a little bit. You know, I'll pay it a compliment. There was a, there was a head in a helmet, a little Skellington head. It just had its mouth. Yeah, yeah. I kind of like that. I kind of like the, I mean, the horrible CGI vista of all of these. As we pull back and you see the upside down, uh, upside down

crucified dudes. Yes. Now, is, so that that works to the negative effect, I imagine. Yeah. That's a bad thing. Well, they, that's a And the idea is that Pizzou, or whatever, made everyone fight each other and crucify each other upside down? Yeah. Well, I don't know if it made them do the crucifing. Oh, the guys are fighting each other. It'd be pretty cool if somebody crucified somebody upside down.

Just saying, oh, you know what that guy said about you? He said he's going to crucify you upside down and fuck your mother. Oh, now you're crucifying him upside out. Oh, I'm going to get him for that crucifying. upside down line, especially that purple monkey dishwasher remark. Guys, that one is the right side up. That's all wrong. Oh, wait, now you're doing it sideways.

Through both feet. I cannot tell you this. We're going to waste all our nails if we're doing each of them by themselves. Fellas, quit fucking around. We got 20 more people to crucify upside down before sunset. Yeah, let me get a 30 bacon egg and shit. I got the

crew with me here. We're going to be crucifying people all fucking day. We're so backed up over there. It's nuts. The crucifers are here buying breakfast from us. Yeah, we like to support local businesses when we come through towns, crucifying people upside down. They're actually cat-calling cats because they're familiars with the dark underworld. No, no, no.

They don't got a breakfast burrito. No, it's just sandwiches. They don't got no burrito. Yeah, yeah, Mexican food not invented yet. Just order something. We got 20 people to crucify upside down. Let me get 35 coffees light and sweet. Oh, you don't do that yet?

Oh, shit. Well, if they don't got the burrito, what makes you think they're going to have chillikili's? Huh? What makes you think? My favorite of the Mexican desiuses.

The most cursed thing, and this belongs in Pizzuzu's realm, is when you see those people, you know, the crew's getting coffees and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And they're just putting them in paper bags, like these bodegas and stuff.

It's like, what are you doing? You're playing fast and lose with a bunch of hot coffee. It's building a bomb. it's like it's basically a water balloon at that point it's a coffee balloon i think if you see more than like two cups of coffee go into a paper bag it qualifies as a see something say that is we took down saddam hussein for less that could actually actually hurt somebody exactly that at least exists

but so we cut to a indiana jones and the last and uh the fun fucking who gives a shit. Oh, my God. Cairo, 1949. I've been calling it Indiana Jesuit. Yeah, that's a good one. This is just, this is,

you go from one bad CGI thing to this like CGI Cairo. I don't know, man. Like, why don't you start with like some actual

B roll of like Egypt in some way digitally remove some stuff and see how it looks, not just create everything digitally from scratch. This looks so bad. Drunk priest is ornery to children.

I think a better thing. What's his name from chariots of fire who I think just passed? Yeah, he just died. Oh my God, but three years ago, but yeah. This kid, like, walks in there and then St. Starr's guy like, your puppets are terrible. You're a terrible puppet peddler. Your sister's not sick.

I know what your sister doing. She's doing the same thing you're doing in the bar next door. It is welcome here, young master Dunham. What if you have there? An old puppet, is it? Wow, that looks like shit. And that joke is racist, and that joke is racist as well. I like getting a sense of the land and acclimating to the setting, but this is not the

puppet. Oh, your puppets are terrible. What the fuck has happened? Well, I guess he's a peddler kid. I just saw a thousand people crucified upside down, mind you. And then it's suddenly like, oh, these puppets are shoddy. I bet they fall apart when I would leave you. Oh, your puppets are so bad.

You should be crucified upside down for it. The little scammer across the way in the bar on the other side of this street, he gives me a punch and a Judy. I don't got to buy him separate. Genuine Pezuzu puppets. Right. Kind of right here. That's offensive.

You don't know the dark magic you're playing with. It's, yeah. And it's like, you know, and the kid's like, oh, you know, my sister's sick. And he's like, you don't have, I bet your sister. She's very nice My mother's sick Comedy in this movie You know what?

I don't need to be laughing You watch all of that First Exorcist movie There's not really a laugh To be found there There's no lighthearted shit I would like some eerieness How about that?

And like the mass Death that I just saw Didn't do it It's just kind of stupid It looks like a fucking dumb cartoon Yeah Yeah That is the biggest problem

with, like, the philosophy of this movie, right? Because, like, you think about Exorcist 1, shit, even in ways, I don't think it's a good movie, but Exorcist 2. Exorcist 3 also does this, even though it is just more of, like, a serial killer movie. But, like, there is atmosphere built. Yes.

The Exorcist itself is a terrifying movie. It's more terrifying for Catholics than non-Catholics. My wife and I've had this discussion before, but, like, it builds atmosphere. it's, it's, it's obsessed almost. Like, Friedkin was obsessed with making sure, like, the atmosphere was there the whole time. We should mention that is our Patreon offering this month

We Love Movies, full episode on that original exorcist on Patreon. And it's going to be a blast. But yeah, and that's the thing is you don't, you don't get the atmosphere of Cairo because, again, like, also, they're not there. Like, you know what I mean? Like this, the Fritken knew what Georgetown looked like. You know what I mean?

You're filming there. You're figuring it out. This and the African. village we go to later. Like they're just, they, A, might as well be the same fucking thing. It's the same goddamn sad. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. They're all in, I think they filmed in this in Morocco or something like that. It's just one big Morocco fucking tent. There's no, there's no actual like, oh, in this village we do X, at this village we do Y. There's so few like establishing shots. Like, so you're just, you're going from like a tent to a church,

to a dig site. I mean, there's, there's no sense of like any kind of spatial relations. You don't know what this village looks like, really. I don't think you're supposed to. I think it's just like, here's a scene, here's a scene, here's a scene, here's a scene, isn't it nice? We're already ripping off Indiana Jones. Just give me that map then. Yeah, show me the map. That at least

gives you an idea of where space is over. Or maybe he's got like an old one from Bible days and he's like, oh, look at this. And then we use that. If you think about like in Raiders when they're doing the whole dig scene and all that stuff, you have a way better sense

of like the layout of like the dig site and like you know fucking the tent is over here and that's where like belloc is right whatever i mean have we not learned like rennie harlan thank you that's that was the next point rennie harlan like didn't you saw what happened with cutthroat island right the man imperial do not do well like it's not a good idea i would say right he's good at 80s and 90s action shit yes i think i still think it's my favorite movie of his is i need is a die hard to Nightmare 5 I think oh long is good night baby oh I need to

rewatch that's a solid movie that I have not seen that's like a fucking pre 9-11 rewatch I haven't seen that movie in a real long time I don't know why I use that as the fucking benchmark well that's you know it's it's defining history sort of like before times absolutely sort of like when they hung all his guys upside down on the crosses

that was a defining point as well we're getting back there don't you worry eventually. Yeah, we will get back there once the, you know, nail production. It's just going to go back up. Pittsburgh steel. You're going to make the nice steel fucking spears. That's how. Thank you, Chris. This is how we bring manufacturing back to these, these United States. Yes. We bring the dark lord on earth. You hear that Joe? Do that Joe. He did cliffhanger. So that's going to do it. Oh, that's a good movie. Yeah. That might be my favorite movie. Yeah. And it's a nightmare four, by the way, it was his.

Oh, uh-huh. Ford Farrell. Nobody's going to stick up for Fort Parallel. I will not. Did he do, wait, am I thinking, did Rennie Harlan do Deep Blue C? Yes, he did. Yes, that is.

That's better than this movie. Much better than this. The thing about, like, I can't get mad. He can't do fun. I can't get mad at him at all because it's like, at least he, at least we put money behind like random weird shit. You know, it's like,

Deep Blue C, this. Now it's, you know, not to harp on it, but like, it's just the comic book properties. Yeah, you wouldn't. And I guess now, or ex is his believer. Thank you. a good point. Yes.

I miss these mid-tier movies that had budgets. Oh, yeah. I mean, the thing about Randy Hart with this is like, did somebody lose a bet? Like, what exactly looking at filmography, what made you think that's what, was it nightmare?

Like, it, that doesn't make sense because that's also a suburban place which he's better at. Available, I think was the thing. Is that really? Because like, man. They chose Schrader, which is a pretty good choice. You know what I mean? He's got all that shit. It was supposed to be John Frankenheimer, though.

And he quit like six months before he died, so that wasn't that. I guess he knew something was up. I don't want to die in Morocco filming a shitty exercise. I'm about to go meet Pizzou, okay? I had coffee with Pizzouzoo half an hour ago. But so, like, Ben Cross shows up to him. It's so Indiana Jones. It's like, you're something of an explorer.

It's like, yes, and I also was a priest and now I'm on hard times drink. I do love Stelenskarty. I think he's fantastic. I think he's got nothing to do here. I feel like he might have a little more to do in Schrader's version, but I feel like that's not even worth it either.

Well, I mean, it's not. But I mean, Schrader's version at least was more of like a psychological thriller. That's why they hated it because it was like, Morgan Creek, one of this fucking like Gore Fest movie, which also is like so the antithesis of Exorcist movies anyway. Can I tell you know Morgan Creek? Every time I see a Morgan Creek movie, I expect Ace Ventura to show up.

Like, every time I see that Morgan Creek logo, I just kind of like, it's the power of suggestion. He would have really perked this movie. Exactly. He delivered a package to Stella's Gar's Garden to silly way. Oh, this is the Bible map from old times. Thank you, Ace. He sees like a, he sees a dead baby come out of the lady all maggot filled and whatnot.

And he just goes, all righty there. And just shushes out of it. Yeah, so, yeah, so, yeah, so Ben Cross, like, sends him on this, you know, exhibition. And the, and the, the kicker is this artifact was discovered in a part of Africa where, like, looking at what the age of the artifact or whatever, uh-oh, this was here a thousand years before Christianity itself got to that part of Africa. It's like the Vatican in league with the, what do you call it there with, with the reverse vampires? You might as well be the British government. Yes. Epic collaboration. Yeah, they're just sort of like both sending Father Marin and fucking James Darcy doing jackass shit in this movie.

I remember one time I was at home with my mom had cable and on two different stations. They were playing HBO 2 and Cinemax 1 or something like that. One was playing XS the beginning and one was playing Dominion. Oh, no way. minutes apart from each other That's weird There was almost the exact same scene With Scarsgaard talking to

James Darcy and that he's talking to Gabriel Man and it's just kind of going back and forth Supremely weird yeah But so yeah The whole thing is go down there Find this thing and bring it back to us Because we need to put it in like a Vatican vault There's some shit and lock that down or whatever

So and I can see like The Schrader attraction to this especially because not only is it like religious tinged or whatever, but it is indeed a man who has lost his faith. Like crises of faith is what Paul Schrader has built his career on. I guarantee you there's some shots of Stelling Scarsgard behind a desk with a little glass of whiskey writing it out. It would be better for it.

Take a breath movie. I mean, it was first draft or first performed. There's a fucking drunk priest. Yeah, sure. In the beginning of this thing. That's right. So we head off to Nairobi. be Kenya. That's where the

dig site is happening and we learn they've discovered a church. What's a church doing being buried in the sand way before Christianity got here? Spooky. Spooky. And we started at Nosferatu's lair, the British embassy in Kenya.

Would they even help the Catholics you know? Like, because it's like Church of England, baby. Right? It's like, fuck you priest. Get out of here. We got our own guys that do, I don't know, divorce whatever else. they do do divorce i think that was the main sticking point right the eighth deal yeah like like martin luther had a bunch of whole list of shit and then 95 i think of the number was the church of england

1995 yeah the church of england was just like we want to i guess divorce it was a divorce or killing ladies which one was we want to marry our cousin jack the ripper i think was the the pope yes he was uh sounds right wasn't that what that from hell movie was telling you I mean, I believe that the Church of England is like, is to the Catholic Church what low fidelity All-Stars is, or the Long Beach All-Stars are to Sublime. That's what I think that's how that works. Yes. A lesser product. Yes. It's a bucolic walk we just went on there.

A lesser product because someone died. But yeah, so, yeah, we're outside the British Embassy here. and he sees some soldiers goose stepping down the lane and this is our first of about I kind of lost track what do you think 27 flashbacks to Nazi Germany

sounds about right I was doing a little priest work on the side for the nuts but then I went down there they just made fun of me I got to pick who got killed special privileges they should have mapped this out

a little bit better because I was like what is going on I read our Wikipedia this is supposed to be an occupied Norway or whatever. Sure. I guess that makes more sense. Could you tell me? No. Even on

Wikipedia they're like, oh, in retaliation for a Nazi soldier being killed, the Nazi officer takes the town and says, makes the priest choose. And you know none of that. You know none of that. You know none of that. You just see Stel and Skarsgaard at one part being like, uh, yeah,

kill him, kill that guy because he's like saving the women of children. Fuck him. Fuck him. You're cool. The best part about it though is like the first two dudes and it does not matter that this happens way later in the movie at all we can bounce around as much as we want but when that happens like the first two

dudes that he's picked he's picking are like old timers yeah of course like you're seeing these dudes get shot right in the fucking head I mean it is ridiculous it is not for an exorcist movie whatever but so I was like okay I guess it sort of makes sense he's picking all the old people sure

but then like the third guy is this really young dude that was like what did you fuck your cousin or something You got fucking beef with that guy? Oh, father, another cookie today. You're parking on the pounds. Well, I'll see you later. You'll fucking be dead later, you son of a bitch.

You're number seven. Next time a Nazi asked me to pick who dies. You're going down, smart ass. Well, you bought that shirt I was going to buy the other day. I mean, you're number eight. That just screams number eight. I, yeah, it's, it's, because like, to your point, like, if there was, like, a scene where it's like,

We open up. Maybe this is how we open or maybe it's a dream. It could be a dream, but like do the whole thing, not the flash. Or even if you want to do the thing where it's like, it's flashes here and there. But eventually I need the whole scene. Right. There has to be like the large chunk of the source material. I would argue before you're seeing the clips of it.

Sure. Yeah. I agree. Because if it's later and you get this big honking scene, the movies like over. Show the soldier dead. And then it's like, who did this? And he's got this. He's like debating.

Can I? I even tell them to kill all these people or whatever. Give me a moment in this a scene here. How about you show me some devil shit? Why am I watching the fucking Holocaust and fucking the colonialization in East Africa? The fall of fucking Lucifer. Just show me the devil shit. And also objection.

Mid-aughts like big budget Holocaust stuff. I'm just thinking I'm watching it. X-Men movie. I'm waiting for Magneto to show up, man. Sure, that's true. I mean, we were only, what's the one where you see, the beginning of the first one? Yeah. Yeah. It's four years later. It's almost, and it looks the same.

You know what I mean? Like, it's just, there's no devil shit here today, priest. But we do have a kid that could move spoons. No. Yes, you see Mr. Morgan Creek, it starts X-Men. We can do it too. We can do it too. It'll work for us, too.

And it's definitely the same, like, blue tint. Exactly. Yes. You do, shout of the cross. It falls over to the side. Boom, X-Men. Bring him out. The power of Christ contels you, Magneto.

Oh, I don't believe in any of that, Charles. So then Father Marin falls to his knees and then boom, who's in the corner, nightcrawler. There's no God here today. I mean, my name. friend. Is I, Alan, coming? And now I go away. The fuck?

I mean, like, yeah, because it's like so much of his character, quote, unquote, is like, this is when he lost his faith, et cetera. Have this, apparently the shorter version, it's like a 20 minute, I think it is a 20 minute sequence, which makes sense because you do, if it's that important, do it. But to Chris's point, I totally agree. Give me the devil shit. I mean, that's, that's what this is all about. That's what the exodus is all about.

It's about the girl. Like, the original exorcist, you're, it's all about Reagan and like the priests are there. Obviously, it's a lot more Father Karas. You do see him do stuff. But that's also, you know, tactile. It's real. It's happening now. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, also, I mean, I will say that first movie is put together by people who knew up and down the fucking ins and outs of our weird Catholicism. You know what I mean? And like, this movie is so fucking absent of any of that. which again like if they had just like gave Schrader the money to finish the fucking movie and accepted it as like this religious psychological thriller which is what any exorcist related shit should be and not like a horror gore fest thing like some of the effects in this movie some of these shots some of the like the gross out things it is like pathetic edge lord garbage it's also it's 2004 you know we we saw as poisoning the water as we speak week. Because that's same year, right? I think that, I think so. Maybe a year before or something, but, uh, someone could fact check

that. But yeah, I mean, we, to the 2000s, we just got really gore heavy with CGI Gore. CGI heavy. Yes. I mean, also 04. That's, I mean, the thing with this is like, I get, I kind of give it to Reni Harlan in that like, he's like, not just one gruesome child death. Yeah. We're going to go for the three. We're going to go for, you know. Yeah. Hat trick here. You were going to see this little girl shot the fucking head by that Nazi twice. It's not he's got to watch his hands because the way he's doing it. You're right. He's got like he's doing like the gun is to her head and he's holding her other ear with his hand. It's like temple to temple. It's like dude. If you're going to say, I my god, they shot myself with the head. He's that girl is dead. Ow, my head. That would have added a much needed levity to the scene. Dude, and then like they all like the circle of villagers like laugh at him and he's like, all right.

Now you're all dying. And it's just, that's a heavy spice. And if you treat it well, it could pay off. But here it does. It feels so. This is what he lost his faith. Yeah, okay. But maybe I need that 20 minute scene or maybe I just need this to be composed better as a film when he gets,

when the, when the girl gets shot and him losing his. I mean, that's, that's all great. Like, I just don't understand what the thought process of making this your fucking Exorcist prequel at all. Like, why isn't it a girl like, not even a prequel, like a girl gets possessed and like kills party goers at the fucking place next door to her? Like if you're really looking for murders, which is what seems to be the thing since like exorcist isn't about murders.

Exorcist is kind of about self-mutilation and being possessed and stuff like that. Yeah. So if you are trying to push this into the like, we need a body count here, people. Right. Like, why not just go for the easy? Why fucking have to do with East Africa and the fucking war? That's the thing. You're right. You could set it in the past and do something like that. You don't have to constantly knock on my door and be like, do you remember the Holocaust? Do you remember colonization by the British Empire? Just pick one, set it during it. Shut the fuck up. There you go. I feel like we keep getting flashbacks because they have no confidence in who they think is going to see this movie as far as like intelligence

levels go. So it's like oh fuck like Paul had one sort of long scene about that. No, no, no. You better break that up. We got to keep reminding these people about the Holocaust and what happened and why he lost his faith. We got to keep reminding him why his faith was lost. We repeat that scene multiple times

and I'm still like, wait, what happened? Show me Stellan Scarsgard face. Do a close up. Spend a moment with him in that moment. Well yeah, show if you're going to do stuff like this, show the full, as we've been saying, show the full scene and then rather than going back to all son, have it be echoed

in things that happen in the real world like a roundup or a little girl being shot or being taken away you don't even have to show her getting shot. Stuff like that will just trigger it and that's all you need. Just give me a voice over then. It's like, oh my God I can't believe he did it.

He actually fucking did it. Wow. Oh, I guess this God thing isn't cracked up to his speed. Oh, my Lord. That would be the part where like he's sitting at a desk skinish radio movie like oh dear diary today the lord left me and here's fucking why you know and whatever um but he goes to the camp he's got his interpreter guy named chuma who's like his number one dude who walks into this area with all of his kids it's just sala from indiana jones here we go again you got uh out the great alan ford brick top is like this disgusting goblin man who i kind of who i kind of love

A, I love Alan Ford and stuff. And B, it's like, I think he's a, like, he's actually antagonistic and kind of fun. Yes. And I want, why we don't see his death is insane. Like, why that happens off screen? I want him to go now, please. They should at least show like an angel saving him then if they're not going to go all the way with it. Chuma's a different dude than you're thinking of.

Chuma's the guy who gets like murdered with a spear at the end of this movie. The guy with the kids is a mechwe. Right. The father of two. Gweckme gave me big Sala vibe. Yes, he does. And he's like, he's very friendly and he's got the, he's got two sons. One's a tall.

And the other one's a really adorable little kid who really really put through the ringer. Oh boy. You know, if you're one of these two boys, it's a tough selection, man. Either you're Joseph, like the littler kid who's like, he survives the movie and does get put through the ringer. But also then you could be James, the older kid who is torn to. shreds by CGI Hinesas. That's a way to go. We're going to love that. But and there's also

Isabella Scarpucho, what's her name? Scarpochee, I think. Yeah, of Golden Eye fame. Natalia from Golden Night. Is this the only other movie she's been? I think so. No, because she's in, oh, fuck what, she's in another previous episode. Let me see if I can look at up. She's, uh, this doctor

and like, you don't know what her deal is. Like, she's also like, kind of, uh, we find out stuff about her. She's got a Nazi path. The funniest. Currupco and multiple previous episodes. Oh, wow. Oh, really? Golden I WLM and then W.HM, this, reign of fire and vertical limit. Her entire, her entire top four on IMDVs, movies we've done.

By the way, her Nazi past, she was in the camp or whatever. Yes. Yeah. So she wasn't like, oh no, she wasn't, no, no, she wasn't helping. To the point of which to, oh, my God, later on when she gets blood. And she's just like, well, you know, they, ah, that day at camp, they took all that. And it's like, what? Yeah, like, nothing should be left there that can bleed.

Oh, this is definitely shit I want to be thinking about in the exorcist movie. Yes, this is the part where you're in the theater. Like, I thought I'm not a fucking exorcist movie. And if you're going to mention that, just do it. Go ahead. Make Mangala. He's got, he's got possessed by, what was his name? Poochee.

Pizzuzoo. I have to go now. The devil needs it. The. Poochie died on his way back to hell where he was reborn in because he's in hell. Can I tell you that in the house? Can I tell you that. in the novelization of Exorcist's the beginning,

did you read this? Fuck, no. There's a great bit of trivia on IMD. In the novelization of Exodus at the beginning, Father Marin's character is always fighting a erection when he talks to Sarah. Hell yeah. Which I want to, I want to read it, just be like, Sarah came in,

and of course, Marin was hard. Merrin crossed his legs. That's how he could lose his faith, right? It's just like all these stinking boners. Yeah, exactly. Totally, dude. I can't have tight pants, but I can't really have loose pants either. It's going to be either way.

Marin immediately regretted the decision wearing the tight pleaded cackeys to the dig site that day. I went with loose linen pants and it looks like I have a big top circus down there. Another cup of coffee, Mr. Maren, Sarah ask. Maren stiffened. No, thank you. I'm fine. He went back to his tent to relieve himself immediately.

engorged he went away with the blood rushing to his loins he opened the exorcism book if the dick is that hard at the start it's got to go off by the end of the movie that's true he remembered the door stops of a childhood

as he stood a mask oh yeah to get it to go down he just stands behind a door and amicway throws it open Well, that'll fix that. Don't got to worry about that, no boy. All right. Yes, the first part of this exorcism ceremony. Someone must slam a door into my erect penis.

So, yeah, we go. We check out the digs. They are unearthing a church that has been buried beneath the sand and everything. There is like a dude that immediately starts having a seizure due to evil. And like this is the only time that happens in the movie. And, you know, exorcists in Africa, just don't bother. like you know what I mean like you don't know what Africa is I don't like it you know there's just some stuff like later on when the tribe starts getting into it

and I'm like a little much I just am not crazy about what I'm watching we've got this like these like Tarkana people that are doing like some sort of like their own sort of sacrificial pseudo exorcist thing with like leeches at one point I was like I don't know if any of this is right exactly I don't trust I don't trust Rennie Harlan or this Morgan Creek production to put this together. No, like set it in fucking foggy old Georgetown and the craziest thing is a priest is playing basketball at one point. Exactly. I hope, uh, we also get some, it's amazing like the, the, the dig is like, like, the church is like kind of protruding from the ground. Maron does like that, that like, oh, let me do some. You got a dust. You got to do some classic archaeology dusting.

It's like, wow, this is, it's like, new under here. Wow. It's like, how you can live? This is amazing. It's like it was buried right when it was built. Yes, it's not like weathered in any ways. It's 1,500 years old. Why is there no weathering? Was this shrink wrapped before I got here? Did you take something off? Was it a film?

This shouldn't happen. And I mean, like, honestly, all of this stuff about like this, like, Vatican mystery, like, yeah, give it to me. Yeah, sure. Why don't we take out the Holocaust and have more of this fucking mystery? But James Darcy reveals that it's so muddled. I'm like, it's so late in the day. I'm like, what?

No. And it's a weird, like, you expect him to all of a sudden be, like, incredibly villainous. Yes. And maybe he's supposed to be, but the black hole of charisma that is James Darsie in this movie. And I don't know if I've seen this guy in anything else, but like, it might not be his fault. It's a bad script. Is he in those MCU? What's the show that people like? Agent Carter, isn't he on that? Oh, he's made the, yeah. The butler character. I think he might be the buttler. I think you're right. Yeah, that sounds right. Right. Yeah, I would think so. Peggy Carter's got a butler on that show? She has Jarvis. She has Jarvis. Before Jarvis is. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cute.

Not really. But yes, yes. I mean, just for the thought. But yeah, so the, um, uh, Alan Ford as this Jeffrey's character is hitting on Sarah the doctor. Which is like, I don't know, man. Why don't you fucking take a look at the mirror dude? Because he's also A is Alan Ford who's disgusting. I love the guy. And what you got past. The hitting on, though. That's a little. is it hitting on? No, yeah. It's pretty aggressive. He's harassing her. It's a harassment thing.

But also he is banking on the idea that, and it happens, but you are the ugly man that like can push through it. Like if you go up and like, you're the story they have. Sure. The one time they picked him up at the bar. The guy was disgusting, but you had to do it. Oh yeah. You got to do it, dude, fucking leaky postules.

Well, that's the problem is the leaky postule. Because what he says like, oh, my penis hurts at night or whatever, right? We're like, oh, doctor, I'm going to get this swelling in me bed every night. There's an amber fluid that drains from it. That's it. His dick is swelling at night and he wants her to drain it. And Father Merritt's like, that was my idea. That was my idea.

Dude, but then this guy's yelling about like all the African people are savages and shit. And I'm like, once again, Morgan Crean. not for my exorcist's prequel. He's a British character. He's letting you know that. But it's just like, that's not the movie watching mode that I'm in when I'm going to the theater, which I did

to see the exorcist. That's a twist ending here. I will say, well, because what happened was we saw it together. Let's do a flashback 20 years earlier and then the Nazis forced you to see this. Well, what happened? We're in the parking lot of the multiplex, right? And this Nazi got hit by a car.

There's no tickets for anything else Today, besides the Exorcist's beginning. Nothing else is playing for your movie-going adventure today, I'm afraid. Sorry, there's no God here, Mr. Jupin. And there wasn't, but I will say it was during the multiplex days, Chris and I saw it for free. Sure. I was a fucking dumb college student that kind of liked this movie at the littlest bit. I think part of that was just like the idea that I could see an Exorcist movie in theater.

Yes, you know what I mean? although that director's cut had already come out and I had seen that in theater so I guess it really didn't matter Oh Mr. Jopin, why don't you pick some of your fellow moviegoers to watch the film This very good film that we're about to watch Old man, old man

Chris Cabin Lady clearly with a heart problem A couple children, why not And something something The guys on the dig crew will not enter the church because it's cursed. Yes. And, you know, Father Merrin or Mr. Marin at this point.

Mr. Maron. I also love this. When he meets Sarah, he's like, oh, hello, Sarah. I'm so fucking hard right now. And she's like, oh, Father Barron's like, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not a priest. And she's like, oh, Father Darcy or whatever is. Father, whatever. Francis.

Father Francis said you were a priesting, that son of a bitch. Oh, that guy, he's a fucking liar. You know what? You could just call me a dirty, filthy boy. I mean, Mr. Maren. Mr. Maren. Would a priest call someone

a fucking liar? They would not. Yeah, he is kind of hammering that home, which I guess is the characterization. He gets C blocked by a priest. He's like, hey, look, you took those vows, dude. I don't want you get laid.

Hey, Francis, that's your fucking problem, all right? I got out of that racket. I can't get this out of my mind since you said a priest wouldn't say you're a liar. I was picturing, like, in a confession booth, the priest being like, you're making that one up. Well, that's way too cool for you. You didn't do that.

You didn't finger bang, Shelley Costigan. Bullshank. I'm calling bullshit on it, and so is the Lord. It's just your usual racket. You cheated on a test. You disrespected your parents. And you used the Lord's name in vain. You didn't finger bang squat.

you're a liar so they go down he goes in the fucking yeah they go down and now there's you know there's a bunch of birds which is sort of something

yeah a lot of these like ravens or whatever the crows we don't really get I mean that's what this movie is doing is like there's a lot of ravens and earlier on the do you see these

they set them up Chekhov's hyenas these horrific looking hyenas it's awful I mean I can only tell they were hyenaes from the subtitles you know the captioning

I put on creatures really. They looked like shit. They look so bad. The fucking animated 1990s Lion King voiced by Whoopi Goldberg is look more realistic than these things. I'm sorry. And they're not as charming as Cheech

Marin either. Oh, that's right. I forgot Cheech was another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was Chong the third one? No, just some Disney voice actor. See, so that's it's like two celebs and then some guy. Yeah, exactly. I feel like it's a team. You should get the third guy. But Tommy Chong's right there.

Whatever. Whatever. But, I mean, they look so fucking bad. But they also set up, like, all these creepy animals that don't, I mean, like, they do some stuff. But at the end, you'd think that that's sort of what you'd think that, you know, they would come back into the fold and the final whatever you want to call it. But no, they tear that kid up and that's kind of the last you really see of them. Is that Pizzou? Like, what? Why?

Okay. Because here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing with this movie sets up, right? is that when when Pizzuzu is like let out into the open or whatever, right? Like the vibes just get bad. So everybody's like fucking at each other's throats, animals included, right? Because all the ravens and shit are like eating each other and that kind of stuff.

And people are going crazy in the village. And the hyenas also are just going crazy. Yeah. Eric, as you know, ravens and animals in general are much more sensitive to vibes. Right. Vives are very important to the animal kingdom. They sense the vibes shift. before anyone's

Oh, here's your problem right here in the village. The vibes are fucked. Solved your problem. Good day. Oh, that's why the ravens are eating each other. That's absolutely the reason. You're going to have to put up some Christmas lights early and start drinking at noon. Get these vibes settled. Can you start

growing marijuana out here? Is it possible? Can you find some fertile ground? You're going to need to wake and bake every morning. Yacht Rock is what you're going to want. Pumping in. It's the salt. Rock of the 70s and 80s. Three words,

Hall and Oaks. I'm going to give you, this is an LP of Steely Dance Goucho. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So yeah, this actually, I think like the set design here in this underground church is pretty cool.

It's kind of the most interesting part of the movie. This is where we get another upside down crucifix. Sure. This one has like the Jesus statue on it turned upside down. No. not Jesus. Father Francis is disgusted. Oh, he's pissed off about it. And also all of the angels have all of their swords pointing

downwards. They're like, but shouldn't they be going up to exalt to heaven? It's like, oh, not here. My preface is the desecration of Christ. Right. Yeah. So I guess the thing is they set up this church to plug up this fucking hell hole. Yeah. Pretty much. A natural hole to hell. Yeah. But then they forgot to like go there and make it a church still, right? Like it just goes to shit. Now it's like Hell Church?

It just turned into Hell Church eventually. A better name for the movie, honestly. Hell Church, yeah. Get rid of the Exorcist. I know, you know, brand recognition and everything, but come on. Exorcist colon, hellchurch. Yeah.

That's kind of something. Or Hell Church, colon a prequel to the Exorcist. Sure. Yep, I like that. I like that too. I could see that. Anything. Anything would be better than the title.

Just a character. We're aware of the vibes are bad and we're like, okay, uh, he, this is what he's talked he talks to sarah and he finds out that she was she's like he by the way he gets his cut on his hand he's like ouch and it's like a big shard of glass it's a bad one that opens his hand and he's just walking around the desert well you know what man it's 1949 this dude survived the holocaust yeah he's a tough son of a bitch the greatest generation that's true well yeah that's unlike indiana jones he kind of openly wants to die it seems like he's

just doing these things. Whatever you got to do. I mean, like, he doesn't want to do the thing. He's a coward, of course, at Down. So he doesn't want to do the thing. So he just puts himself in the situation. But he, she's, she's cleaning him up. And this is what? He sees the numbers on

her arm. Sure. He's like, that's just a major turdoll. Oh, my God. And her story is, like, her family helped hide people. So then when they were discovered or turned in by the neighbors, they were all taken to the cap. Right. Yeah. We learn about the lead archaeologist on the dig, this Monsieur Becian, and he has gone crazy and he's been sent somewhere up the road to the road to an insane asylum.

Get this man out of the movie. That might be too interesting. Get him out of here. I mean, he is the most, when you meet him, he is kind of the most interesting part of the movie. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. But yeah, so she's like doing tarot. Yeah. So that's like her kind of, where'd you get that devil shit? Yeah, totally. Yeah. She's, it's a weird. She's like, oh, it's, it was left here.

I just found it. I just started playing with it. Good thing. That's a major turn on. Ooh, fucking around with tarot. Excellent turn on. Please stop talking about that. Please talk about the Nazis.

I don't want any of this devil shit in my ears at all. The moment had passed already for Marin to get up and go back to bed. but he couldn't stand up because his cock was rock hard and she would see it. It would be truly embarrassing should he stand at this moment. Hey, heck, you think I put too many erections in this novelization to the Exorcist prequel?

No, babe, it's perfect because it is exactly what the movie was missing. I said it right when we came out of the theater. I mean, that's... No hard dick. Don't you remember when we saw the Borman movie and I was just chanting in the theater, erections, erections, erections, erections,

directions. And everybody was staring. I mean, the other Borman movie had no problem with that, Zardog. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You probably pitched it originally as more hard- One of a wrecked dix in that movie.

Can I ask a question about the movie, the existence of the beginning? No. At the end of the movie, spoiler alert, there's like a twist because we're going to get into the two kids and one of them seems to be possessed.

What if both of those boys were possessed? Oh, two kids possessed at the same time. I don't know. where I come up with this dog. Dude, I got, I got 10 bucks you're able to give it to you. Just to hear that story. Where could we put him? You think like a hospital or something

like that? Oh, wow. That's wild. That is really wild. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one, I think. Heard of that before. What if Ellen Burstead showed up? Holy fuck, you're blowing my fucking mind. Yeah, I'm bursting here. I'm going to check if she's still alive, but if she is, I am absolutely going to call her. Does this sequel go to Madison?

but no so but the twist is at the end you think it's the kid the whole time and no it was sarah that's possessed yes and she's always been possessed always yeah she possessed before the movie starts got it so that's why she's doing taro at this point but then never ever other any other clues that she's just do another flashback show me hydric himler fucking putting ghosts inside of black magic mask yeah yeah i mean what were i think what the, if I'm remembering earlier this afternoon correctly, what they say is because, uh-oh, uh, spoiler alert, uh, monsieur or whatever the first is. Becian and her were married and they went into, they were the first people to go into the church. Yeah. Together at the same time and both got

possessed at the same time. I like the idea. It's like, no, they took out her womb and put a bunch of ghosts inside. Now that is something. I mean, it's sweet getting a couple's possession like Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's a nice thing to do. Just to prove yourself. Just to prove yourself. But so he goes to bed that night, and this is the first of many fucking. God is not here today, priest.

Blammo. Yeah. We hear that is repeated nonstop in this movie, including by other characters just saying, you know. And these crucifixes cannot stay upright, folks. He's just keeps you like, I know, who keeps doing this? Father Francis is praying at one point, right? And he, like, looks up from prayer and realizes the fucking crucifix is upside down on his wall. Uh-oh.

And he flicks it back the other way. And then when he walks out of the room, you actually have a shot of, like, the mirror and it's train. And I was like, that's the kind of, like, really just like subtle small shit that movies like this should have. Sure. Because that was one of the only moments where I was like, ooh, that's creepy. Yeah, sure. Well, yeah, because otherwise, most of this feels like scenes deleted from the ghost in the darkness. Yes. And like

I'd prefer watching that movie. Give me some big ass lions. Pretty good movie. Absolutely. You know why? Because Michael Douglas, I am the devil. Now, does he get so horny in that movie he ruins his life too? I don't know. I'm so horny for this fucking line. I tried to fuck the lion. It took me out. It just, it split me right open. That should have been called fatal and trash.

Got sink water all over the lion's ass. Now, Val Kilmer, when you, when your baby is born, you hold him very very. high and so he can see me fucking the lion in the tall grass as I will be doing so this is the big scene this is the big scene at the well here's the little boy

Joseph I believe is sitting there having a chat with his monkey pal yes a little monkey in this movie that's pretty cute and Marin has given him a trowel at some point a little is like oh here you want to dig here it's a professional thing it's like the kid's very fond of it yes

and then the older brother comes in and starts teasing him about the trowl and whatever and they're fighting over it. And he's doing the like, I'm holding it up. You're too short to get it. Kind of like brotherly. Classic. Oh, classic. This is actually where it was invented.

The devil made them do that. Pizzuzu made Keepaway. Oh, no, it's spreading across the world. The dark god of Keepaway, Pazuzu. Father Marin looked out the window watching the two boys engage in Keepaway. he was relieved he was not erect but then it was just a semi

but then the flagpole emerged he said I wonder what Sarah's doing and yep sure it was he was hard again I wonder if anyone's played keep away with Sarah before up there it is can't keep that away

can't do that so as these kids are fighting or whatever this fucking pack of CGI hyenas comes out of know where one of these fuckers grabs this monkey which has turned CGI in a shot if you can even believe it. The monkey turns evil for a second, right?

Well, the monkey's getting pissed off. Oh, I see. It's a feral kind of thing. Maybe like trying to warn or something. Just regular monkeys. Yes. Yeah, he's just monkeying around. Yeah.

But it's going bananas. This thing gets eaten immediately. And the two boys are like, holy shit. This kid. Sucks to be him. Yes. This kid Joseph gets fucked.

or James, James gets it. James Older Boy, yeah. He gets fucking railed by these things, man. It is, they are ripping him to shreds. The little kid actor has to do, because I mean, like, the kid is in CGI that the things are, but he has to like flail on the ground, ready, Harold is like, now, all right, your motivation here is you're being eaten alive by, I don't know, six hyenas. How much money do we have for hyena computers?

Oh, it's just four. else. We buy the hyena computers to make the hyenas. They're special. How old is this? Nine years old? Okay. So he's ripping your penis right now. Right? That's where that's what it. So give me a penis ripping scream.

That's good. And have you ever just talk to me? It's me and you right now. Have you ever imagined yourself being torn apart? Have you ever imagined? I know you're a young man, but have you ever imagined just your leg coming off your body because it's torn so hard?

Mr. Harlan, I don't think I want to be in pictures no more. No, no, sit there and flail for me. Now, normally I would love this, but it just doesn't feel earned and it looks like shit. No, it looks awful. And honestly, I've said before, like, because this was back of the day, I was like, if you have the fucking guts to do that on screen, badass. And now I'm watching it 20 years later and I'm like, you fucking edge lord garbage. Meanwhile, the little kid, Joseph, uh, take picks up the trowel and is like looking on like, good, that's what you. you get kind of a thing. Yes. He's reveling in it for sure. And the men come with guns. No one could

shoot these hyenas. Dude, well, the father is like standing there like frozen and Marin comes up like, oh, give me the fucking shotgun. Yeah. And starts blasting these things. And man, if they didn't look bad enough already, them reacting to being shot looks way worse. It was like, it was like PS1 Resident Evil. Here's the high. is coming. Doom. It's like doom hitting the little brown guys. Yes. And they just like fall into blocks of 16 bit red and orange.

Well, Doom's about like hell opening up. I think it makes perfect sense. If the rest of the movie looked like that, that's great. The hyaids carry the kid off and no one really follows? I don't know if we find the body. Are we giving up? Yeah, we're giving up. Okay. Yeah.

Tell the father, do we have pills? Give him some pills. Well, we'll just be burying his night clothes then. It's really, really awful. And so this is, Father Francis is the one that implants the idea into Marin's head here. He's like, those hyenas acted as if Joseph wasn't even there. Oh, my God. He's got to be the little evil fuck. Yes, it's the young boys who are evil, not the priests.

It's always the young boys that are the evil ones. I wouldn't even believe a thing that kid said, by the way. I know. I mean, they say anything. They don't say anything. I mean, they say the darndest things. That's why I've been reassigned to Morocco. This is my fourth reassignment this year. I mean, exorcism case.

Yeah. I'm finally taking on a new position. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't, no, no. So the next day we go to the sanitarium because he's going to visit Monsieur Brasson or Besant. Besson, there it is. And this is Patrick O'Kane, who,

was like a number two of Hux in the sequel trilogy. Oh, okay, yeah, sure. Is this a showstop and turn he's got here? Oh, it sure is, dude. And so this is like Marin goes into the sanitarium and like he, it's, it's your classic. And again, like this is actually kind of a creepy thing. Like he goes to open the door. It's totally locked.

The dude is sitting at a desk. You can like see him through the barred window or whatever. And he's not getting up. And as soon as Marin is done like, you know, jerking around with the door. all the door opens by itself like okay cool that is the level of like I just saw a kid get torn apart by Super Mario Brothers era

fucking hyenas yeah but this is the shit I'm looking for just give me a door opening by itself you know what I mean you don't have to go so over the top the sanitarium which looks like I mean it looks like Ken Russell's the devil's was all yeah absolutely absolutely wait for Oliver Reed to come out and start talking

to everybody Merrin definitely does it great like like oh yep yep he's definitely writing shit on the wall with his own feces in here like he does a pee. What did you see in their father Mark Marin? I saw they they have so many guys. They got they got more than five guys. They got top 10 guys. Listen, the guy in there, pow, he shit his pants. It smells really bad. He won't be needing stamps.com where he's going. You ain't going to be writing any letters in hell. Now you picked a pretty interesting place to put your swastika. Could you tell me about that?

Yeah, me and Kinnison one night got Coke from Pizzouzoo. That was just And Kinnison, I mean, it's fucking crazy. We're doing all this blow with Pizzuzzo. The whole time Kinnisans just going, What is with your snake cock?

You wouldn't imagine it, though? Pizzou, calm as a cucumber. Chill guy. Next to Kinnisin, even. I mean, the guy was a legend, but just didn't cool as a cucumber. Did a set at the store. It killed.

But it was like, really kind of like edgy and off putting we always had to put him in the small room you know what I mean he wasn't like mainstaging it at the store but it was good shit man Pizzou was hooking up with Mitsy for a little while nine months later Polly was born no

the weasel indeed dude fucking hell weasel nobody says it nobody dares to say it but Albert Brooks got his whole thing from Pizzou the whole thing it's just him defending your life I mean that was a Pizzu

bit man he had a short it was real life it was the same thing it's just it's unbelievable some how they get away with it

it was just hard for him being a monkey looking demon to get that movie may anyway next week we're going to have Dick Cheney

all the hell all stars but so yeah Bison shows like turns around and he's got a swastika carved

to do his Chas. He calls him Father Marin and he's like, how do you know my name? Again, like all shit that I'm like, yes, intriguing. Sure. And then he just repeats that line of like, there's no, there's no God here today, please. And here's the thing. How about this dude?

We're putting in the voice of the Nazi. So now did the Nazi possess him and the nazi was like, ah, this guy could use a swastika on this guy. You're like gussy this guy up a little bit. No flare. More like home. go. But no, I mean, that's an exorcist in the first movie. She's doing other guys' voices. Sure, but like, it's

used sparingly and not for a fucking totally inconsequential scene like this. And also, we find out later from this other priest's father, Janetti, that he's not even possessed, he's touched. And I'm like, now what does that even mean? What are we even talking about? Oh, great. Now the devil's just

touching people. Yeah, I guess it's like, yeah, it's not like a full-blown possession. Like, he's not in you. It's just like, you're doing his beating or whatever. It's like a learning disorder or something. He does cut his own throat. Oh, yeah. There's a big piece of glass. This dude gets right to work. And it's kind of

it is another great, someone's standing by while someone else's body is ravaged by something. Because Marin is just like, well, I guess it was his time to go. I'm seeing a lot of this this week. And I went back down to a semi after seeing that.

Father Jeannity's played by what's this guy's name? David Bradley, the great filch the fucking janitor from the Harry Potter movie. And, uh, Jepeda from Pinocchio did the voice. Oh, right. Yeah, the GDT Pinocchio. And also he's some sister fucker on Game of Thrones. Yeah, it sounds right.

Old man and, uh, hot fuzz with the bomb. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is great. And he's in this movie for like, he's like a priest and he's just like, oh yeah, he was touched, not possessed. By the way, you're going to need this father, and I don't do that.

anymore. And it's the Roman rituals of exorcism and he hands him the book. Now, here's the thing. I'm confident that this movie wants you to think that this is a book that Max von Sido holds. Like, this is the exact probably that Max von Sido holds

in the Friedkin movie. And they expect the audience to go fucking in shit while it's the fucking boy. Finally, the first movie makes sense. I know where the book is from. Thank you for explaining that.

I love that movie. I was terrified. Where'd the fuck that book come from? I was thinking about it for 30 fucking years. Where did you get that book, asshole? You know, it was 1976. I went with my girlfriend at the time.

You know, we got married and had kids. I was like, on the way home, she was crying. She's Catholic. She was terrified. Where the fuck that book come from? Also, seems like that guy maybe once or twice in his life had a crisis of faith.

Why aren't they telling me about that? Anyway, I kept on bringing it up and eventually she left me. That's why I started writing the screenplay to Exorcist at beginning. Hey, babe, do you think that priest gets hard ever? Yeah, she's just Chloe Sivinia from fucking Zodiac. Slamming the fucking door. The bad first date that never ended. Oh, man.

That's a brutal moment. Yeah, it's a tough one to come back from. Fuck. You can't, God damn it, you guys. Like, you can't bring up an amazing movie like that. while we're talking about this now I just want to watch Zodiac my mind just goes there

well let's just wrap it up and put on Zodiac yeah this is going to turn to a commentary track all right starting at 5, 4, 3 yeah we've had it queued up the whole time

ready to go just in case but now he's got the book woo oh yeah you know how to cast all your fucking demon spells or whatever

he goes back to camp meanwhile the chief's wife has been pregnant sure she gives birth to a stillborn baby that has maggots and you better believe we're watching it yes this is this is more your edge learned stuff like whoa isn't that twisted i kind of can't believe that it didn't score that scene to slip not you know what i mean get the boys in there get the double base going absolutely do or actually looking at this thing maybe like some fucking cannibal corpse like really do it yeah do it you know what i mean i put my fingers into my eyes as we do

with this. You know, it had to be rainy hard and be like, no. How about a fifth more than maggots. A fifth about you know, let me get somebody over here. That's right. Her virgin was full of flies

laying eggs. I mean, because that's the thing, right? Stillborn, you know, baby. That happens all the time. It's awful. and they react as such I don't think they quite react as appropriately to this baby just came out and is indeed covered in maggots

that's like man but it's just like if you can't get the actors there maybe it's just a stillbirth the thing about this is you don't I am all about show a gory kill all that stuff this is actually one of those things it's better if you don't show it and somebody is like there was

it was covered in Have someone disturbed as describing it. Hat and hand. Even though it was on the H-Feed, I think it was last year, Exodus 3, which is much better. Like,

leaps and hell yeah. And I mean, there's so much disturbing stuff in that movie, like really like shockingly like gory stuff. But they also temperate with other descriptions of really just, like they knew, he,

he, he, he knew where to do that. You know what I mean? It's like, that's the seesaw. Because it's not about the, yeah. Well, it's not about the shock value.

No. Because you look at this fucking little dummy baby. Yes. And like the face is rotted off. It's like kind of a skeleton. And it's just like, what are you doing? Like this is not adding anything. You're just being edge lord losers.

And I don't even know who this woman is. I've never met her before. No, that's, we speak about this character. The chief's wife. Yes. As if like, you know, we've had scenes with this woman. You don't even fucking see her until she's given birth. Yeah.

And then that's it. China first. When he gets the dig site or wherever, just be like, you know, meet them and like, oh, she's far along. You know, look at you. Establish it. I mean, I just don't. This is another one of those things where I'm like,

I would have rathered if you did not bring this up at all. Like, if this is all part of that thing where I'm just like, focus on the devil temple. You're right. And just say like, oh my God, you know, two women last, two women in the last week have given stillborn births. Whoa, creepy stuff. You know what I mean? I don't have to hear it. I don't have to see it.

Because that amps up your sense of dread. It adds to the atmosphere and the tension, all of that shit, everything that this movie is expertly unconcerned with. But now the tribesmen are very concerned about little Joseph because they assume he is the vessel and they're kind of like kind of trying to get him. Meanwhile, I think what you call it there, Alan Ford. has given Sarah, like, a little, say, Joseph's medal. And, like, she keeps losing it kind of a thing, which I guess lets you know that she's... There it is. That's it. Yeah, Brick Top is not happy about this.

He is also sweating like he just drank the street trash stuff. Yeah. Like, he's got this glowing fucking mucus stuff all over his face. This all, again, comes to nothing. Like, if this is happening with this guy, you expected to be like, oh, he's like, maybe a Renfield character. He's like working for the demon or whatever. He's just murdered at some point in the movie off screen by Sarah. It's some real fucking seven looking shit.

Yes. Or like when that's Jim Pembrey there. God damn it. In silence and he's fucking hanging up on the thing. He's like going to the bar, so they're looking for booze. And then like it's a jump scare. No! And then he's missing. Yes. Because he's staring at the boy. I was like, oh, I am.

mighty ugly I'm forget I think they like it looks like and I think someone even says that the ravens like picked him to death yes yeah because all of his bottom is just picked off you do see there is a raven like finishing off one of the eyeballs like in the scene

where he's discovered god this is delicious I'm not oh boy one thing we did skip over and it is just kind of funny because again just not for an exorcist movie is when he like sits down with her Father Marin sits down and Sarah after one night of like, you know,

Joseph's health stuff was a real bummer and she's saying how she's like struggling with it or whatever. And they're kind of just like making out for a little bit. And then like the bed just moves by itself. And it's like, oh, I guess we shouldn't be doing that then. How about you don't do that around the

kid that might be having the devil in them? How about that? Why don't you just leave your, I know the hard on is everywhere. It is so hot. We might get caught by the devil. But then again, he's making out with Pizzuzu here, right? Yeah. If like

Pizzuzu don't make the bed move, you're going to scare your man away here. You know what I mean? Like, enticist a dude. Perhaps is the thing where Pizzou is more concerned with getting this dude hard and then leaving him with blue balls. I see. Because I mean, that's like the ultimate, like the devil gave you blue balls. We're skipping

over the sexy shower scene. Yep. Because you know what an exorcist sequel needs? Fucking tits. And like you get real close right. There is some, like, in any other movie, I would qualify this as immaculate side boob. Yes.

It absolutely is. And it has no business being in this movie. And then immediately thereafter, she starts bleeding, you know. Which is impossible, et cetera, et cetera. She says there's nothing. The line is, there's nothing left to bleed. Oh, that's a relief. I don't want kids.

I think he then is like, he gets really up. the ass about what's going on with this graveyard for a while. What about these graves? Hold on. You cremated the baby. But that's, you know, what's in the graveyard then? I don't care, man.

I mean, you'll find the movie. I'm going to go out back digging through the graveyard. I might find the movie there. Well, then who buried him? If they're, who's on first, then who buried? And it's just like, oh my God. So they, but they dig it up and there's nothing in there? they're empty graves. While he's digging

the tribesmen come and try and kill Joseph and Sarah is like held back and then they get ripped apart by like some evil spirit. We assume it's Joseph but it's obviously this was kind of rad because it's like they're trying to hold the kid down and he's like vibrating or whatever and like one dude's like fingers break back and like dude's like shin bone comes out and like it's

kind of cool it is again like it's probably the best CGI in the movie. But once again, folks, I just, I plead to the court, not for this movie. It's just a different fucking vibe. Well, how about another different vibe?

What if the British military showed up for no reason? Let's bring him in. Why not? Hey, fucking room for 18 more, folks. Let's come on. Because when they find Alan Ford, and he's picked apart,

the British military is like, oh my God, a white man has been killed. We need to. I mean, you know, sure, I get what we're talking. about colonialism here, yada, yada. It's like, we need to get these, whip these guys into shape and there's this other, there's this a captain guy.

Oh, Major Granville, dude. The easiest to give up his own life in this movie. That whole fucking like Twin Peaks, the return shit that, with the fucking, the insect going in and then coming out. I was like, I, of all,

for some reason, of all the things that I was just stapling like, what the fuck does this matter? That I was just losing. it. I was like, why have this scene? Who cares? It's fucking hilarious because he's met way back at the beginning of the movie at the consulate, whatever.

So he comes in and assesses the situation and he's like, all right, my men are coming in. They're going to supervise the dig from now on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to start shooting if anyone gives us any guff. Yeah, exactly. But like, it's so funny because the slightest hint of like

something paranormal is afoot, this dude commits suicide. Like, it is, it is a crazy. Like, he sees something spooky outside. I don't even know if you see whatever he sees. And he runs back in the tent and he's like, I just got to take a minute. And he's sitting there and like some dude comes in and it's like,

oh, major, there's it. And he's like, I said, get out of here. And he's like standing there. He's looking at all his little mounted butterflies. Like, that's his little project or whatever. And they all start flapping and he's like, oh, this is too much for me. And then the butterfly comes out of his mouth and he's like,

now, fuck it. blows his brains out. Steve, would you do that? Oh, sure. Just write that in there. What do I got to go for? Yeah, I know you would do that. That makes sense.

I thought maybe he was possessed to shoot himself. I think that, I mean, like, it doesn't matter because it doesn't really, like, affect anything. So that's kind of interesting, right? That's interesting. Like, Pizzou, real commentary and how he feels about colonialism. Fuck these people. Well, the only reason they're even there is to do the symmetry for the beginning. of having all these British people.

The war to happen. Right. And we know that Pizzou is an animal lover and we're introduced to this piece of shit suffocating a butterfly for his own. That's true. You know, Gitties. Yeah. Pizzuzuzu loves butterflies, loves hyenas. He should have had those butterflies like really attack people.

Oh, yeah. Just cover them. Yeah. There's a there's a Fulci movie where like a lady dies from just a bunch of snails being on her. That'd be great. Well, that does sound nasty. Bring that on. Yeah. With the butterflies. And then you salt the whole thing and all the snails die and everything. Heroic moment.

There's something at the funeral where, because this is Marin trying to figure out like the cemetery shit or whatever. And this is where he's like, oh, you know, you cremate, you're dead. You don't bury him. Who's in that cemetery? And he's like, I want to know what's going on here. And some one of the dudes like says something to the translator guy. And he's like, what did he say or whatever?

And he says he doesn't have to tell you what's. happening because it's happening again right now. Whoa. And like, whoa, the mystery. Well, I am getting a little hard, so I guess so. It's this movie that the, uh, it's this mystery, rather, that the movie is wholly unconcerned with. Yep. But it's the most interesting part of the movie. Because later he, again, James Darcy just shits it out. It's like, oh, something, something there was, this was the

we, we've had a hot tip that this is where Satan fell from. Like, yes. that's right. We had the coordinates on where he fell from heaven and it landed right here. What fucking bullshit cartography nonsense is that? Oh, this is where Gabriel landed. Or Lucifer rather. Yeah,

Lucifer landed there. I guess what like Noah with a telescope or something. Exactly. It's like, all right, it's like 40 paces south. No, no. Lucifer just right there. Right there. But as to the question of who made the fake cemetery and everything, that was the Vatican.

It's this whole like Vatican cover-up thing. Yeah, because it's funny. They keep going to this place to investigate and then everyone dies and then they don't learn their lesson. Right. Because the whole thing is below this buried church is a pagan ritual site. Sure. Which is what they discovered. So the Vatican sent people there and built the church over it to seal it.

to seal everything up and then buried the church so nobody would find it and now all these years later the colonizers have found it again and there will never be a person whose entire job

is about digging shit up never gonna happen never gonna happen why would they dig what are they gonna dig for everything's here you look around it's there

North Africa in the 40s maybe an original draft there was like the Nazis found it but then they were like this is just Indiana You absolutely cannot have Nazis making that discovery.

You're getting fucking sued by Paramount. No worries. I like that. What do you got there, squirt? Oh, is that a Pizzou head? Sorry, Rick, what can I get for this? You're not going to get any letters of transit with a Pizzou Hidal. I'll tell you right now.

Get there out of their room, Gatoo. I'm shocked. Shocked to find that Pizzuzuzu is here, possessing people. Shocked. Well, you know, Sugar Palm we'll always have the demonic hell site. Yes.

So Francis is like, Father Francis is like, hey man, so that's the gist of everything. You need to fucking done the cape and cowl, I mean, collar once again. And you need, you need to help out here. And it's again, like the hero is asked to step up.

And again, like a bad improv scene, he refuses to participate. Sure. No, I'm not. that anymore. Because it's oh, what, though? God is a dear priest I shot that little girl. And, I mean,

because that's, I mean, like, it just the whole structure of the movie is like, it's so much story, so much, it's all backstory. It's all, almost nothing happens. It's all people saying this happened before this movie happened. The cruel irony of that being what a prequel is built

upon is very frustrating. We needed a sequel to this, Exorcist, the beginning, the beginning. So we can dig into that. Listen to me. Third times a charm. We did Exorcist at the beginning. We did Dominion.

How about we call it Rapture Palluzer or something? And yes. No, it takes place in 2049 and the rapture is occurring. And Father Marin is half Android. Oh, yep. Morgan, does it exist anymore, right? No idea. I don't know.

I need my friend Christbot to help us. Right? And he gets like. like the Transformers to help and they, you know, oh no, it's a Chrysler, says Bazuzu when Jesus, the Chrysler, Sebring shows

it. Hello, Father Marin. I am going to help you dispel the demon Pazuzu. Yeah, the Pizzuzuzu charm is like the fucking old spark device or whatever. Optimist, you're not coming in this house. It's not happening, baby. Remember when I said that there were

demons, it turns out there was car people. Well, I would imagine. being this bad at your job. You're like, hey man. Hey, Frank, we got those exorcist rights. Get me a prequel to the exorcist. Nothing too expensive. You know what I mean? Just turn it around something for around Halloween. We got a spooky movie. So we made a movie. I liked it, but I hated it so much that I tripled the budget. And we're going to release both of them and they're both going to lose money. It is one of the greatest Hollywood cock-ups. of all time. Just the absolute

Like, you know, as we sit here like, you know, as we're recording this, the the writer's strike has ended. The actor strike is still going on. But like we are just now in a sea of hearing about studio and confidence. And like here's just another one of those stories where you're like, man,

you got fucking paid at a job to do this. Because I mean, guess what? When Schrader shows up with the whole movie that isn't the movie you wanted, that's the movie you got. And that's kind of, you know what I mean? just cut bait, release it, and it would have been what it was. And now we've got you know, someday, Chris, we'll get the

air cut, right? We'll get the air cut of suicide squad. I want it so bad. I know it's a piece of shit. I can't wait. Do it actually exist though? Or he's just full of absolute shit? He, I believe. Snyder, I never believe that. I mean, he did it though. But yeah,

when he was like shooting shit in his garage, dude, like that movie wasn't fucking finished. No, it wasn't. Like, no. The thing they were always talking about does not exist. Of course. But like the Ayer thing, I believe Ayer had a like actual big, absolutely disastrous cut. Yeah. That would probably at least be more interesting than what I had to watch. Is it like, has it been reported? To be a prequel to suicide spot? That's just like a Batman movie. Yeah. But like what what is supposed to be so different about it other than it's longer? Is it like?

I think it was supposed to be like a little more violent. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe less man. Maybe less magic would be fucking great. Probably a lot more jokers. That's kind of more Letto jokers. If that's the case, the theatrical gil cut

is quite enough. It's kind of a Pizzuzu movie with that lady enchantress. Yeah, it's true. She's got Pizzou up her wazuzu. That was a line

they cut. Eric, that's actually pretty good. That's stating in the episode. Oh, geez. Think about all the ones that he cuts out from. Yeah, precisely.

Real good ones. So the last act of movie really is like they basically the Brits and the Tarkana are about to fight each other exactly they're all revved up and horned up and that guy killed himself so this guy shows up escalates the situation

and then kills himself to get out of him smart move yep exactly and Maren is like oh so the Tarkana are all 100% convinced that the little boy Joseph is possessed and he's bringing the evil and they're going to try to kill him

father Francis you have to get this kid out of here. He tries to get him in the back of a Jeep and get this dude to to fuck off. And then, uh-oh, straight out of fucking ghost protocol, there's a sandstorm coming. Now we can't leave the town. And you're like,

the only place that Tarkana won't go in is the hidden temple. So that's where we're going to go. I'll just go get my girlfriend. I'm not hired yet, but I'll be hard in about four seconds. Just wait. When the moon is up about

this high, I'm going to be hard. Right there in the sky, you know, that's when I'm hard. Got to wait for the moon to get in a certain position before I can get hard. I call it a werewolf boner. Have you ever heard of astrology? His boners are affected by the tides. The tide is out and so is my dick. It's out, you see. I took it. There it is. All right. I'm a Leo. That means I'm hard all the time. I do love, there's another, I mean, I would love to know the amount of money this specific useless effect shot cost he goes to sarah's quarters he's looking around her place is all for all sorts of fucked up uh and it's like rumbling

and whatnot the storm's coming in shit's falling off the wall or whatever there is a moment he doesn't like the character of father marron doesn't even see this i guess it's just something for us oh uh he's standing in this room and there's a mirror on the wall and everything's rumbling and shit. And a half a second before this mirror falls to the ground and shatters, a fucking Freddie Krueger face like pops out of it. Scary. For what? It's not. It's stupid. Come on. Pizzuzuzu, come back. Come on. Pazuzu.

Don't just show up like that and then disappear. Come on. He's in the mirror realm now. I can do what Leno does, Mark. Don't think for once. second i couldn't do what leno does that's right doc lord you certainly can thank you for my opportunities the whatever we're dragging this kid down into the cave church he finds the picture of her oh sure he's like they were married oh my god she's the one that's possessed and it's like it's kind of so stupid in an exorcism movie to have the switcheroo like the whole fucking point of any Exorcism movies to watch the process

of it. It's like, oh wow, look at this Reagan, you watch her deteriorate to this thing and then she's, her voice changes the whole thing, the ice and blah, blah, blah. We only get like fucking nine minutes of that. You know what I mean? And it's incredibly stupid. And also because you haven't spent

the whole movie with the knowledge that Sarah is the one that's possessed. You don't give a shit. No. Like you're invested in the salvation of Reagan. Yeah. Right. Like that's the whole movie, you are rooting for this to happen. And this movie, it's like, you spend all

this time thinking this poor little boy is the one that's possessed. So that's where all your emotion lies or whatever. And then the movie's just like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, it's this woman, for no reason. I'm going to have to seduce Pazoozoo. I'm gonna fuck you clean, Sarah.

Gonna fuck you clean a Pazuzu. That's more Liam Neeson. Yeah, I don't know. Which Liam Neeson was supposed to be Father Mary. Yeah. Well, it's interesting, because Neeson looks more like Max von Seidow. Yeah.

But then Scarsgaard's Swedish, so it kind of goes one way or the other. Totally. Yeah, totally. But like, now I'm trying to, it's been a minute. We haven't recorded the WLM yet. So it's been a while since I've rewatched Exorcist. Is he von Seidot putting on a non-Vonsido voice or is he just naturally talking? He's just doing, oh, he is.

Okay. For whatever reason, I was sort of. like falsely remembering like some sort of attempt in a British accent. No, no, he's just doing my side of it. I'm just doing what I've always done, Andrew, you stupid idiot. You vomit on me too? Are you, does everybody want to turn?

Why would I ever change? This is what they're paying for, you fucking fat idiot. This is what brings in the big box. Honestly, man, I would love to be haunted by that guy. I have so many questions. We just stay up all night. I'm talking to a ghost. What was really unsettling about my ex-fan side of I came across recently.

I re-watch Minority Report. Didn't really like it. I saw you didn't care for it. Eric, we were best friends again. I am also. We were on the outs. Oh,

we were totally on the outs. Wow, that was news to me too. No, I really, when I rewatched Minority Report, I really disliked it as well. I'm scared now because the last time I saw it,

I've seen it multiple times. I fucking loved that movie. Out of your mind. I think his, I think Spielberg's sci-fi run was the worst in his career. not like ET, but like, uh, what is AI's AI, AI world, war of the worlds and majority would be, but in that movie, Max von Seidows and it and Tom Cruise.

Yeah. And when they have scenes together, it looks like the Gandalf and the Hobbit. Like Max von Seidow's skull is three times the size of Tom Cruise. That's incredible. It's like a dinosaur hanging out with him. I don't know what's going on. Max von Seidow is the father of Slender man. Yeah.

He was the one. I'm so disappointed in what my son did with the family mansion. But speaking of Von Sado-Hontz, there's something that came across by X feed. I would never say Twitter. That's so soon. It's X now. I feel like, Steve,

you are using that site more now that it is X that you did when it was Twitter. And it's very weird. Well, you're using the ship more when it's going down. Exactly. I want to see the end of it. Trying to get all of its food. Yeah, rearrange those deck chairs.

it's like the last like 50 pages of Salem's lot like oh shit's getting tight now the fucking villain just burned it oh boy more pornography sure but uh it's a clue of max von sido on i think on uh speaking of haunted people charlie rose talking about uh bergman he's like oh we would talk very often about the afterlife you see and uh and uh he would say i i don't believe in the afterlife and he's like i will prove it to you when i die and it's like and he's like so where you haunted by Berg? That's too personal to answer, but yes. And it's like, so Bergman was like fucking haunting him, man.

That's awesome. He's like, oh, he's come to me many times. It's like this really kind of. Okay, I believe in the answer. He was doing with Bergman what I want to do with him. Stay up all night talking with a ghost. Now, why would I talk to you about this stuff, Charlie Rose? That's a private matter and you are a moron and I hear a monster.

You know, just in the hallways. Oh, Bergman has. He sees what you do When the lights are out He's told me He's told me He sees how you conduct yourself Around the office place

Now the hour of the wolf What kind of title is that What does it mean I didn't see a wolf in the film I'll be honest with you And I don't know what's going on You are an idiot So they go

And the fucking thing's haunted It's a snowy church Now we go down into the scary part James Darcy is just dead You know what I mean? He has apparently Had his heart ripped out of his chest Off screen

It is a fucking But this is It's so inappropriate for this movie Like So Scars Guard's walking down the hallway And yet it's snowy Because if you'll recall It's cold

It snowed the day that the fucking Nazi killed all those And also hell freezing over And he's he is Following the ghost of the He sees the little girl I don't think you see her get shot in the head a third time. I think it's just the two times.

So that's all the snow shit. And as he's walking, he's like, wow, this is very creepy. And then this dude, like he got got by Michael Myers fucking falls down from the ceiling and he's like tied up to something. And you're like, again, no one who made this movie saw any of the other movies, right? Like, this is just a completely inappropriate speed for this shit. He's dead. Mind if I take your robe. I'm just going to get...

Oh, that's where he got it. That's where he got the robe. Oh, it's his same fucking scarf that he had. No, it's a dime a dozen. It's the fucking purple scarf. They wear it from this time of the year to this time of the year. I hope he washed it. It is kind of hilarious, though.

Just like, well, you won't be needing this anymore. But you need some sort of like... Like, this is the moment where he's refining his faith and he's been kind of like, you know, talking to God at this point and saying prayers while he's walking in there. When he puts the scarf back around or whatever it is, like you need like a music cue. You need something that's like, yes. Here he is finding whatever.

Yes. Amy Grants, you're still the one. Just to fucking knock it right out. That's your back. You're back with your main man. We don't do tubular bells at all, do we? Right. We don't have that great, the thing.

The eerie music of the original. Tubular bells. That's called? I believe it is. Is that the old field? Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. I believe that's the name of the theme. Oh, I did not know that. So I had no idea what you were talking about. The answer is no, but there is a janky fucking knockoff version that plays over the credits at the end. Yeah. It is tubular bells. I thought, you know what I was thinking of when you said tubular bells? What's that fucking Mannheim steamroller Christmas song with something bells? Oh, yeah. No. I thought you were talking. And I was like, no, Steve that doesn't play in this. no no yeah what that's the icon I mean like just do it deadly puts it on and then people like Eric like yeah he's

putting it out yeah totally he's doing the thing but that would cost money I guess so let's not do it yeah let's just make a fucking a bootleg version that we'll put over the over the closing credits there absolutely and then she starts running at this dude

like a Dragon Ball Z character that is that is the worst part of it we have some like shenanigans and some inner sanctum thing and then he thinks like it's all over with or whatever and he's taking the kid back out and all of this I gotta tell you there is some fucking like Aaron Sorkin

walk and talk exorcism shit I don't appreciate this because he says to Joseph he's like all right kid like can you read the book he's like yeah I can read it's like all right this is your part and then this is my part explains him like the back and forth or whatever but then they're just walking down the hallway doing this exorcism thing

and he's off book already like this Baron hasn't seen this book yet and here is the thing That's a great point. And this is a thing where it's like the movie has not told you at any point whatsoever that this dude has fucking gotten down and dirty with exorcism. No, no. He's not the exorcist expert that he is in the exorcist.

So you are supposed to believe, I guess in some version of the script that this is his first fucking time at the dance. But you're totally right. Like this isn't a fucking mandated thing that somebody, you know, going through the priesthood, studies learns. Like this is extracurricular activities. And there's nothing that says like he would know this. But you're right. I didn't even think about that. He's off book. The kids got the book. He knows all the hard parts. This kid's just amending up and down the block. Whatever. He's ambitious. He wants a higher degree

of being. It's so stupid. It's poor shit. Speaking of dialogue, this is your favorite line, which I believe is you wanted to stick your rotten cock up this juicy ass. It is. That's exactly You have juicy and all. It was it rotten cock? You're rotten cock up this juicy ass. And I was like, is that anachronistic? Were we saying juicy ass in 1949?

No, Pizzuzuzu looked into the future. She's possessed. Wouldn't her? She have the rotten ass and you have the juicy cock? That's a great question. Well, but if you're like the demon, right? You're like put off by how a regular person looks. Look at that rotten dick.

But look at my disgusting but beautiful juicy ass. Because there's actual juice coming out of it. Oh, yes, the secret of the ewes. My leaky ass. To better lube you with. It's like one of those, it's like one of those like fucking big pharma commercials for some prescription, whatever, that's supposed to be like,

I don't know, diabetes medicine. And it's like side effects may include a leaky anus. And you're like, I don't know about that. I'm good to go, man. Maybe back to formula. a lot of the diabetes medicine that makes your ass leave. I don't need the diabetes stuff. Can I just get the leaky

ass? I eat some leaky ass medicine. Gonna get there eventually anyway. I'd like the Shera down there. I'd like to wet it up a little bit. You still got those the low calorie potato chips that make you shit your chef. Oh, oh, right.

Yeah, Olestra. Alestra. Yeah. Oh, dude, it was fucking slip city when you were in a bag of those chips. Look out. Bring a bag. I did, I mean, this part gets very evil dead as well. Yes. That's the thing is you're going to just made an exorcism movie.

You didn't have to try to bend over backwards to connect every single fucking God. But she does literally bend over backwards. Oh yeah, she does that for no reason. It's just because in the fucking Friedkin director's cut, Reagan does the spider walk. And this is like a thing, or the crowd walk, excuse me. Like this is just a thing that top that. And oh, you do, speaking of fucking Dragon Ball Z, dude.

She turns into an outright cartoon character. There's one part where he, like, he does something to, like, piss off the demon. And she turns from being the woman from Golden Eye into a cartoon and flies across this cave. And it's crawling on the wall. It looks so terrible. It's bad. Absolutely awful. Give her, like, I mean, I don't know what her abilities are otherwise.

But, like, let her play this character now that it's fun and demonic and stuff. Don't be like, yeah, it's just. all CGI shit for most of it. What's a matter, Marin? Don't want to fuck me anymore. And it's like, it would have been more interesting if she turned earlier in the movie, right? Like, and you, then you got an extracism movie. And yeah, and yet, like, I did not understand how this movie was an hour and 53 fucking minutes. Oh, my God. I fucking, I couldn't stand it.

Honestly, I'll tell you right now, I think you shave off literally 30 minutes if you cut out every fucking Holocaust flashback. Probably. Because there's a bunch that we glossed over, folks. did not talk about them, but is fucking a Holocaust by the barrel full in this movie. He, and, you know, he just has a power of Christ compels you and she gets I cast you out. Yes.

Because they're running at each other at this point, which is so stupid. Because I mean, I guess like the idea is like, this ain't your mama's exorcism. She's not a little little girl tied up in a bed. This is a grown woman. You run it at him. And I'm like, okay. Running at him like the crazy Jessica Rabbit towards Bob Hoskins.

Yes, exactly. Like just like hands going. everywhere running through the fucking hole. And then in a weird moment and I guess it's because of the fall like she she's not possessed anymore and you know there's like a little bit of like he's holding her like

oh thank you whatever. And then out of nowhere like the back of her head just opens up and she just starts bleeding out and dies and I'm like what? The way it's coming out there's no way it's just a hole. There's a faucet on the back of her head. It's just pouring out. open his spigot.

That's what Pizzuzuzu is a little Pizzuzzi-sized hole outside of MacGrad. He left. There's the Pizzouzziu exit wound. We got to do the priests come and do like the crime scene investigation. Ah, yes. But it's weird because, right, like the whole thing is in that first Exorcist movie, Father Karras. That's coming to be.

Yes, instructs Pizzuzu to come into his body and then he overpowers it and kills himself. Sure. Thus eradicating the demon. What happens here? is she's saved she has a total moment of clarity but then dies so where did the demon go

and then they cut to the kids standing there and you're like oh at least I did I thought for a second like oh now it's in him and this fucking movie but he then Scars Guard is just like she's with God now and that's the end of it yeah and then they come up and they see all of the damage that this is done

everybody's dead because they've been fighting each other at last I think again Can you even stand it? Also, like, if you're doing that, that's the last shot of this movie. No, no, no. You got to have him dressed up in his priestly garb walking into the CGI sunset of Rome or whatever this is. Well, he meets, like, fucking Bencross for like a fucking quick cappuccino.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, you know, I didn't find the Pazuzuzu statue. It's like, ah, but you found something. And it's like, and it's like hat on. And it's like, get the fuck. out of here. O'revelo, Mr. Maron. It's Father Maron.

Are you sure about, can you just quit like that and come back and just say your bad? Yeah, there's got to be some sort of like re-registration process. You got to go through it all over again. A questionnaire? Like, what the fuck do you leave in the first place for? What have you been up to since you left the church? Oh, you've been getting erections in Africa. Interesting.

Okay. Yeah, we're going to have to talk about that. That's what they should have called this movie, man, erections in Africa, the prequel of the get the tubular bells going on that get brassers to co-finance oh man and but yeah this the credits hit to this like fake tubular bells and it's pathetic this movie is pathetic that is the end of it go around the horn here final thoughts chris camp uh horrible don't watch it uh i don't think there's anything worthwhile here even selling like it's nice to see him leading a movie i guess It was not that long after Enzomnia.

So, you know, that's like 98, 97. Yeah, something like that around there. Great movie, but it was a very good movie. A breakout role for him. But other than that, like, you know, kid deaths, they're only so exciting. It's not really going to do that much for me. And Rennie Harlan, baby, sweetheart, do what you're good at. Just this is not it.

You know it's not it. I'd prefer you working with Andrew Dice Clay, frankly. Yeah, no, that's true. I'll jump in and just say horrendous, hardcore, no, awful movie. I'm glad, I think I I was worried on the last episode that I was going to come out of this.

Like, it's better than I remembered. It's fucking worse than I remembered. Thank God. Totally, totally awful. Do not bother with this. Even if you're some sort of like, I dig on the Exorcist, but I've never, like, dabbled in those sequels.

I'm even fine with you watching the John Borman one, dude. Exorcist 2, Heretic, whatever. With this, stay the fuck away. Steve Say that. I think this is like a Jurassic Park situation. I think we got the first one that's great. Yeah. And that's kind of it.

And I mean, like, I do think the three has a lot of merits. It also has some things going on that aren't so great. Like the actual, when they force the exorcism at the end of the movie, you're like, what the fuck's even happening?

Yeah, it's a bad move. But there's a lot of cool stuff in part three, which is kind of fun. But it's not a great movie to me, to my knowledge anyway, or to my way I see it. A lot of people like it.

I kind of agree with you, this is Steve's final thought. If you'll excuse him, Chris Cabin. Yeah, he's getting nasty. No, but I just, I think that, like, you got the first one. I'm sure I don't need to see what David Gordon Green's going to do with it, but that's the job, folks. That's what we do here.

Yeah, absolutely. Clock in for that one. Exactly. This one's going on the old tax return deduction for. Yeah, that's all I got. Fuck this movie. Eric Siskin, take his home. Yeah, I think everyone summed it up pretty well.

I will also just underline too long. Yes. Two long. We're 54, I think. Too long. I do kind of miss these big. loaded budget mid-sized piece of shit movies, but too long. And yeah, there's just nothing here. So

obviously a no from me as well. That's right. So that is going to do it for this episode on The Exorcist beginning. Yeah, it's garbage, of course. But on the Patreon next week, I believe it is, the WLM on The Exorcist, the William Friedkin movie, rest in peace by the way, is coming out. And I know that's going to be a lot of fun. I fucking love that movie. One of my favorite horror movies is going to be a great conversation. So check that out. Patreon.com slash

We hate movies. If you are getting this already on the ad-free feed, which is the $8 level or up on the Patreon, we thank you for being the kick-ass Patreon subscriber that you are. If you're bumming about commercials, maybe head over there. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. You can sign up $8 level or up gets you ad-free episodes just like this very one you've listened to. We also have an AD coming out

this month. That's right on South Park's corn episode, ladies and gentlemen. The corn Halloween thing? Yeah, that's a little companion to the cornmentary. The corn cast, yeah. Oh, the corn cast.

Again, reminds me we have to do the limpiz cast at some point. That's a 2024 promise. Let's put it down. We're going to do that. But this month also, commentary track on society. Oh, yeah.

Yes, it was Steve's first time watching it. And that's the great thing about signing up for that $8 level. That's included at the $8 level. but if you want to step it up, there is that $10 level with Melro 2 and O. And what else, Chris Gabby? There's something coming out this month on that level.

The Lifetime. Once in a lifetime. Once in a lifetime, once again, coming back, we're talking about a doll movie, Killer Under the Bed. Hell yeah. Hell fucking, yeah,

a puppet that probably cost five cents to make in total. I'll tell you what. I had way more fun watching Killer under the bed than I did watch in this piece of shit. 90 minutes, man. 90 minutes. Precisely. But here on the main feed, of course,

the show continues next week. A little break from the spookatcular. We've got to pull over to the side of the road to celebrate episode 700. And Steve Zanak, how are we ringing in this milestone? It'll be my first time watching Bushwhacked. Fuck yes. Hell yeah.

The cult comedy that never was. Yes. We're trying to establish people. We're trying to establish it as a cult status get into this movie folks kind of hard to find right now it goes in and out of streaming and it looks like it might be out but I believe just talk to

Chris Cabin's friend Cameron Ripley Cameron Ripley might be able to find it for you. Telly Sincalas I believe Torrent Reno I believe our good friends to the north and also in the

UK have said that they are blessed enough to have bushwhacked on Disney Plus oh beautiful so there is that, but it is Daniel Stern at the height of his mid-90s powers. It is a movie you cannot make today. And I love that. It is a movie where he plays a total

scumbag who's accidentally or mistakenly intentionally mistakenly put in charge of children. He's waving a gun in their face. He's doing smoking in front of it. It is a movie that is so of its time. It's amazing. And Daniel Stern is fucking hilarious in it. I really

hope Steve is as hype for it as three of us are. I'm excited. It's a childhood favorite of mine, but that is going to usher in episode 700 on this long-running train of ours, and we thank you for being a part of that. And until next week with Bushwhacked, I've been Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedach. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Sometimes dead is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door.

They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicca Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. Creatable.

Put the fucking lotion in the back. What an excellent day for an exorcism.