We Hate Movies - S14 Ep713: Love Actually

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

“He’s such an idiot for running right into this fucking turbine…” - Eric on Alan Rickman’s character’s adultery On this week’s episode, our mission to bring Holiday Cheer to you and yours is almost completely derailed with a jumbo-sized discussion on the bloated, miserable, obnoxious holiday fave, Love Actually! When is the feature-length Andrew Lincoln stalker film hitting Shudder? Why couldn’t someone tell Richard Curtis to pick less than 8 storylines for one film? Why couldn’t Laura Linney’s character get a happy ending? And how is that little kid getting away with all of this airport shenanigans so soon after 9/11? PLUS: Elton John writes some sausage roll-related Christmas parodies to try and win the Christmas Number Ones contest!  Love Actually stars Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant, Martine McCutcheon, Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, Rodrigo Santoro, Gregor Fisher, Colin Firth, Kris Marshall, Heike Makatsch, Martin Freeman, Joanna Page, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Andrew Lincoln, Keira Knightley, and Bill Nighy as Billy Mack; directed by Richard Curtis. Today’s episode is brought to you in part by Hello Fresh! Go to HelloFresh dot com slash WHMFREE and use code WHMFREE for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while your subscription is active. That’s free breakfast for life at HelloFresh dot com slash WHMFREE with code WHMFREE! Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, including Ad-Free WHM Prime at the $8 level and up! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for the holidays! Including new Polish Decoy, ‘Jack Kirby’, and Forrest the Universal Soldier designs! 

This week on We Hate Movies. It's got more plot lines than Melrose Place during Sweeps. It's Love Actually. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Actually. Fuck this movie. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. Our mission to get in the Christmas spirit has never been more threatened to get in. derailed than today. We're talking about Richard Curtis's Love Actually from 2003.

Oh, my God, this guy. This Richard Curtis fellow. You saw you, he also wrote yesterday. Oh, yes, he did. He's a screenwriter first and foremost, by the way. You never saw yesterday? We did an episode on yesterday. Oh, yesterday. Oh, God. No, I was, I always got that confused with the other movie that he did with

About Time. About Time. Yeah. That movie Not about it. Gotted me. That movie absolutely gutted me. He's actually directed three movies, and I like his other two. The boat that rocked, I like. A.k.a. Pirate Radio. Which I did not like. I like that, and I like About Time.

I enjoy those movies. Of course, the son of a bitch wrote yesterday. Four Weddings is fine. He wrote all them Bridget Jones motion picture. Notting Hill. And he co-created Mr. Bean, which I think is. Oh, that alone deserves the death penalty. No, no.

Get out of your house. That is what saves him from the block for me. I'm like, I was a Mr. Bean super fan. Honestly, I am delighted with Rowan Atkins' seen in this movie. I think it's very good. Which one? The one where he's just working at the store or the other one where it's a deleted idea that he's a Christmas angel. Because both are fucking left in.

The first one, the first one. The funny one with the business. Guys, guys, guys, we have to say real quick, it's okay to like a movie. This movie has quite a cult to Chris. Christopher, Christopher. I mean, they always say, like, I guess this movie must have made a lot in 2004, like, as a holdover movie.

Video. And because, like, everybody talks about this. This is the hugest hit. It made less movie than the Halliberry Vehicle Gothica. It made less movie. Money. It also made less movie. Let me be clear about that.

It made more movie. It made 10 movies. Thank you. It made more movie. the runtime of this is ungodly, unruly. Do you remember the Mr. Show sketch where they're making coupon the movie? Yes.

This is like a coupon the movie in the sense of buy a ticket for one movie, see eight half-baked movies at the same time. Yeah. Well, like, as Curtis said, it's kind of like his Pulp Fiction, don't you know? Oh, no. Do you say that?

Stupid. Oh, stupid. And also Pulp Fiction only has like, what, four or five plot lines. Yeah. Eight to ten, depending on how you're scoring this, and your scorecard is way too much. It's stupid.

You're just doing a TV show. Where do we even start? I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. Well, Eric, Christmas is all around me. Go for it. That's it. No, that's all you got.

You just had the third one. Wait, wait, wait, wait, right. No, I lost it. Oh, that's okay. If you really love Christmas. Come on. and let it snow. Oh, there it is.

Come on and suck my toes. So, I mean, I guess the way to kind of do it, we can try to do it this way, is break down the eight movies one at a time. Much like we go through a Melrose Place episode, honestly, because like this is this genius thing, this genius pulp fiction-esque thing where it's all these seemingly, you know,

not connected storylines. And then sometimes, like, they sort of cross paths. Oh, somebody knows somebody. Exactly. They don't connect it any meaningful. If, what do you call it there? If you grant like solves Colin Firth's problem or something like that, that's kind of something. I mean, I guess the big thing is the Christmas Angel.

That's the biggest connection that actually affects the movie. It's like, oh, the guy Rowan Atkinson from Alan Rickman's storyline is saving the day and allowing Liam Neeson's little kid to run through the airport or whatever. But that's just two. No, it is. I know. He's not helping Colin Firth out. He's not helping the useless porno set story out.

Did I miss something? I had a lot of stuff going on in my house. I had electricians going through my house while I was doing this. And they were watching me watch this and take like notes. It's a great way to work. I look like a fucking psycho. Wait, wait,

so Ron Atkinson, they underline he's an angel in this. They do not. It's the whole thing is at one point, it was supposed to be more. Or nail on the head. Yes. He's like a magical dude who's like in all these stories, helping them appearing.

Help you cheat on your wife. Help your kid run through security after 9-11. That's a place to start. Okay. Because before the storyline starts, you have this garbage Hugh Grant narration where he's talking about love and all these people at the airport. And you're seeing footage of real people that Richard Curtis and the DP of this movie were secretly filming and then getting permission to use in the movie after the fact.

Sure. And Hugh Grant has this line where he's like, when the planes hit the Twin Towers, everyone was happy about. All of those calls and texts were about love and not hate. I paused it. Why didn't pause it? This movie's too long to be pausing. I put the status bar up.

Less than two minutes into the movie we're bringing up 9-11. And for what? And of course, you're going to call your loved ones and say, love messages in that scenario. Not like, I think I'm wrapped up in some political intrigue. I don't know exactly who to hate, but I'm going to hate them. What are you even saying? I mean, I kind of think it's like quietly like it's, I mean, we're in an airport and they, they were at Heathrow for a week getting these, what, dozen hugs that we got here. You can get that in the day. I'm sorry. Kubrick? Like, no, that isn't good enough. Well, I think I think this just proves

their point. Most people at the airport's fucking miserable. It fucking sucks shit, especially right after 9-11. They were practically going up your asshole with their hands. That's the thing as I think they're like, come on back to the airport, everybody. It's nice and fine. The airport's open again.

There's love at the airport. This movie was put up by big airport. You're saying? I absolutely was put out by big airport. I think though, here's the thing. You're getting folks at the arrival, like greeting people. So that's at least one. You're relieved you're off the plane

or two you relieve like the travels behind you and here's your ride so it's it's not like we're filming people before they walk through security right it's baggage claim yeah people meeting each other

oh haven't seen you in so long you're home for Christmas bubble blah then Hugh Grant's just jarred just jawn about 9-11 I just don't look at yes it's like oh yes all those calls oh you mean those horrifying like to think about

the fire's all around me I can feel it in my The shilling last moments of someone's life, which is not adorable, fuckface. It's not. And it's none of your business. They act like it's cute and like, oh, what a? Oh, look at this little love letter. And it's like he was incinerate.

Yeah, yeah. He has seconds later. Oh, Richard, I really, can I push back on this idea to actually play some of the phone calls in this opening? I think that's a bad idea. No, it's so cute. He's like, oh, my love to the kids. All right. Bill Nihy, the pop star.

Let's try this. And he starts the movie, which is he certainly does. In the recording studio, he's recording what we were trying to do there, a Christmas cover of a song that he in this movie has made famous. And it's this, it's a thing in England, which is a real thing, which is

having a Christmas number one, having the number one charted song on Christmas Day in England is like a huge media boost. It's a huge career boost kind of thing. Right. We should try to crack that. You listen to the Kings, the Queen's, speech, now the king's speech.

And then you listen to one of the kids. Maybe you steam some sort of a cake or something and then you eat it or whatever. Do they really? They give a speech on Christmas? The queen gives a speech, I believe. I mean, the king now, right? Forget about the queen. You'll never see one of those. Oh, that would be a ventriloquist act.

Hello, all of my root subjects. I hope you enjoy your abject poverty. As I sit on a golden toilet, I'm zombie queen. I know you prefer. I know you prefer. me to this piece of shit, my son. And like this is one of the threads that if you made it into a movie, I'd watch it.

Washed up pop star guy hates his fucking life, has nobody at Christmas. But he's the one character that really doesn't have anything to do with anything else. Yeah, his video plays different scenes. Right, they watch him on the telly. Yes. He's really the angel. If there's an angel here, he's more of like the through line thread than Mr. Bean is. every time my song plays

an angel gets her wings what does he say though in this movie I mean I know this is like 2003 and the dude's like still around love him God bless him but like he says that he's like 50 on the dot in this movie or like mid 50s I was like

yikes it's a hard one dude for you because yeah it's him he's in a recording studio playing this song and his who plays the the partner there or the manager Who I was... Mike Addie. I thought he was...

Dude, I thought it was Mark Addy. And I'm looking through like the cast list on IMDB and I'm like, where the fuck is Mark Addy? Why is he not listed? And only like 40 minutes into the movie does Bill Nijie like say this guy's name? Because the whole time he's like,

what do you think about the song, fat stuff? Oh, jelly roll. What do you think about it? Oh, too much crispy poise this morning on. This movie's got some axe to grind, right? Like, even Natalie, who's not. heavy really nuts that part is crazy it's just like oh piggy oh look at big oh pigsters come to work her her father refers to her as plumpy at the end oh my lord that's like mid aughts like that was

we were yeah anorexia sheik was very big for gals around 2003 if you look at the cw lineup i mean if you look at fellow co-star kira nightly yes exactly 96 pounds so could wet we can't forget, just to go along with that thread, the Portuguese father that calls his own daughter Miss Duncan Donuts 2003. The fat stuff is nuts. Yes, he's like, but that's the weird part is because that's like their only conflict is he just keeps berating this dude about his weight. Gregor Fisher is this dude playing Joe. I need to put a point on it. Mark Addy is a much handsomer man than this man by quite some measure. I don't want to pile on the man. I don't want to pile on the man. I mean, this guy's, this manager guy, I think he's more handsome than

Colin who goes to the United States and gets babes. Oh, really? My God. Oh, well, that guy looks like a fucking rickety cricket. That dude. It looks like Roger Rabbit. He gets bit by a dog as a kid? What's going on there? But yes, so the thing is they are kind of going back and forth. And the joke every time is like Bill Nye, he's good to be a little saucy. on the press and this guy's like Don't be saucy But they never like have it out About being saucy

Like where's that scene We're like listen man I'm trying to make money off this Christmas record You gotta stop being saucy on television Oh Maggie Gillenhall I'm I'll lift you charge Somewhere I lost him in the mall

I don't know I was having I was having a point And he's scampered away Now crazy heart that's an American Christmas Sure, that's the real stuff. Yes. Yeah, then he goes on the radio and like the joke is like they're sitting in the waiting room and the guy before he was like, bad, Billy's new song sucks dick.

Yeah, this is kind of funny though. It's like they're playing it and he's like, I don't think I'm going to play a worst fucking song this holiday season. It makes me want to shit my own mouth. And like the dude in the next radio booth over is like, hey man, he's my guest in the next hour. Oh, it's fucking great. But the thing is, like, he's not insulted because he knows it's garbage. When they're in the recording studio, in that first scene,

he's like, well, this is fucking shit, isn't it? And everyone's like, it's golden shit, Billy Boy. And I guess that build, like him shitting on it, him being saucy, him being a little cheeky on the, they call it radio over there? They call it radio. Yeah. On the broadcast, maybe.

On the broadcast, being a little cheeky of the broadcast, is what I guess eventually sends this. song over the top. He starts saying he will perform nude on New Year's or something. It's a shock jock mentality dude. That's how he's getting him in. Because even on this radio thing, like, oh, who's you, who is, he's like, oh, be treadably honest

no matter what. Who's your favorite Shag? Britney Spears, is it 2003 or is it no? Oh, just kidding. She was rubbish. Oh, I had it and it was terrible. Dude, it's awful because I'm doing the math. I'm going to talk about a 19 year old girl. I don't know.

Exactly. I'm like, all right, so occurred is you're writing this I mean, no sooner than like 2001, 2001, 2002 maybe. Somewhere, yeah. She's way, I mean, like, I get that's the joke.

Sure. But also, like, watching it 20 years after it came out, boy, does, like, there's so many things like that that just encased this movie in Amber. This movie has an axe to grind with American women. Oh, yes. They're all easy shags.

They're just stupid, horny bimbos that will fuck the ugliest British man in his... If they have an accent, they'll go for it. Crazy thing right here is like around the radio station appearance maybe. They show like most of this takes place in London

and it's like, oh, you know, here's some Londoners out and about getting ready for the holidays or whatever. There is a dude carrying a live, freshly cut Christmas tree over his shoulder and the text comes up and it just says five weeks till Christmas and I was like, good luck not having a Christmas tree by the time

Christmas rolls around. That and also five weeks ladies and gentlemen it's gotta be let's go back to Dyer it's Christmas week over here like let's condense these storylines because yeah we see this guy's whole press store the next I guess is the TV appearance with these like two dudes and like

British TRL yes yes and he ends up because there's a poster for Blue who's like a male pop group who's competing with the best Christmas song you ever did here And he writes, we have little pricks as a thought bubble or as a dialogue bubble over these. I feel like, Richard, do you want to do the little pricks one or do you do the gay joke? We'll do the little pricks.

We'll film them both. You tell me one. Oh, my God. I'm shocked at something. Every time I see this movie, I'm like, it's got to be a gay joke, right? It's got to be the gay joke about the boy bad. No, it's not. I was watching it on Netflix and he writes it out and he's like, because they're like, oh, what is the prize you have for the

audience member, whatever, he's like, oh, it's a foot tip pen, you can even write on glass with it, watch this. And he starts vandalizing the monitor and I'm like, all right, here comes some like dick suck joke or whatever. And then it's just like, we've got small little tallywhackers.

And I was like, am I watching like the television broadcast? Remember when they changed that sign and Die Hard 3? Yeah, well, you know, for TV. Oh, right. I hate everybody. Yes. I thought it was a similar like, we digitally or did another take and it's a different thing and I was like

no I'm watching Netflix that's the actual joke stunning yeah you expect it to go the other way you do I do I do like him saying I don't know if this is on the TV or on the radio he goes by my festering turd of an album by the way so it's an out

great yeah yeah I'll do that I guess people did I guess it's Christmas it's a single that he's what's I would love to know what the B side is yeah oh something is equally terrible. Probably. It's me wiping me bum for an hour. Another love song with a Christmas

Me-Due. Yes. Oh, Christmas Me-Due. Oh, Christmas Me-Due. You know, I slay you. There you. Oh. We could have, oh, dude, it's probably a little late. Do you think we could have an English number one? Could we have a Christmas number one? Absolutely. Yeah. I think, you know, let's circle back around of this. Vision boarded for 2024. You got a feeling we only got like a week till Christmas. We can't get a song

on the N. We can put British accents on like nobody else. Oh yeah. Absolutely. We got the best in the business. We do. Yeah. Our British accents are just as good as Andrew Lincoln's American accent. Okay. Well, I'm walking dead. How about that? Oh my God. That fell out. Carl.

Cool. Wow. You think with a name like Lincoln, he'd be American. I know. That's like me going by Eric Churchill. Didn't you go by that for a little bit in college? Oh, a little bit during my heavier set time. I thought it was charming. It's like the sign off on the TV is like,

all right, Billy, send off message for the youth of America. He's like, don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and I'll give it to you for free. She killed telly. And then you see Not Mark Addy like freaking out. And I'm like, this is where he has to get like a call from the label. blah blah blah like the pressure's coming down

rain your boy in also this is the time in England where skins is on the air whatever he does it's fine it is absolutely fine it is totally fine but you're right Andrew

or do you even have that thing he calls the label like no they love it and he's like oh I guess lean it but that would make this a plot that would add conflict there's no conflict in this movie but Steve you're

right. If this was the Bill Nighi only movie, that's the thing like, uh-oh, all my cheeky behaviors actually work in my advantage. And then he just, the movie's called cheeking out, first of all. And he just goes cheeky to the max. Yeah, but here, this is just a little spice to light the mood after Laurelena gets slapped to the face by her brother. So that's fine. Right, right. Got to shift the mood a little bit. So then it goes from television interview to television special or and maybe not special they're like airing the video

because it's like he's playing the guitar and singing this terrible song and like all these babes dressed in sexy Santa outfits are like licking their lips and playing an instrument it's like a night show it's like a David Letterman type interview show right where and he's like so

can you set up this script for us what is this? Oh you're dancing like Robert Palmer exactly I was about to say thank you Chris it is like a they're doing a parody of Robert Palmer Yes, we're all sneaking shouting through the alley tonight, my friends. And then this is like, yeah, his big thing on that chat show is like, oh yeah, like if I win the Christmas contest or I'll get the number one Christmas jingle, I will perform the tune naked on television.

And then this like, Randy old TV presenter is like, are you being shaky? And he's like, what do you think? And then, like, he pretends to wave his dick in his face. Yeah, he's going to get a blowjob from this guy on television. Right on the telly, dude. And then, I'm up against Blue, the pint boys, Mr. Cheeky. And the spice girls.

Crisps with an exclamation point. They're very good. I love them for walking around. They all have songs about sausage rolls. And I was like, I'm so sick of sausage rolls, folks. I want a song about Christmas and love. After Elton Joan made his all sausage roll album What's the point after Lynx?

What's the point of doing any kind of song About the sausage roll? Quidd essential album, yeah, links. Eating sausage, eating sausage, eating mickard, eating sausages like, you know I should. I know, that's a Freddy Got Fingered song, I think. Yes. Daddy, would you like some sausage sausage?

Daddy, would you like some sausage? Better song than this one. Or, Daddy, you have some sausage on Christmas. Now you got a Christmas number one. You do. You've just done it. Daddy, would you like some egg knock? Daddy, would you like some egg knock?

It's easy. Because Christmas night is a right for sausage. And Christmas night, Christmas night, Christmas night, Christmas night. Sausage night, Christmas night. Hold a closer tiny sausage. This could be also hit in Chicago for the next day. Sausage Clause is coming down your chimney, you know? Sausage and the lynx.

Excellent. But so, and then, like, kind of there's some suspense. You see him, is the next thing just basically him? It's him at the party, right? It's the party where it's like, it's revealed, like, instantly that he won the thing. Yes. Because, again, like, this is not, no storyline matters more than another in this movie. No.

So, like, we're just missing. shit left and right that would make you care about this, including like any tension at all with blue or the sausage boys or whatever. And he just wins the thing and he's like not even really that thrilled. And the lamest thing for a movie, I think, the lamest thing for a movie. Yeah. To do a thing where it's like, hello, Elton John, why hello? And like you as an audience member, you're like, oh, they're setting me up. Elton John will be in the movie later. No. Because you think it's a huge movie. Like, yeah. It's a huge movie. Like, yeah. It's so. lame to not do that.

Keep in mind, Richard Curtis had made the two most successful movies in Britain of the 90s. Notting Hill and Four Weddings and Funeral made so insane money in Britain. This is a huge movie. Oh, so, oh, Elton Johnson. Can't wait to see

Elton. Thank God. You're good for Elton for saying no, if he was asked but maybe not. The whole thing of like, oh, I just, I came back to see you, my fat producer. because I love you. Because you gets invited to an Elton John party, which is now

a, I mean, it would be a status symbol, but again, like, if you're making this movie, he needs to be like, well, I hope one day I could go to the Elton John party. Then I would make it. You know what I mean? But the character doesn't care about anything. And like, if that was the case, then he would have to

care about something. Oh my God, it's Elton John party. He's just like, hello, Elton. It's one of the hilarious one-sided phone calls it. Hello. Well, hello, Elton John. How are you? Now, all right. They're both terrible, but which is worse? If they did that or, and you know this movie ain't above it. Sure. Or they do a, it's Elton John and we're doing the Mr. Steinbrenner from Seinfeld kind of thing. The camera behind some dude with like red hair and a huge jacket. I have more respect for that. I have way more respect for that. Oh yeah Elton yeah we did

Comic Relief 27 together Because it was a splash man You would see this party You wouldn't have to hear about it You know that's true It would be something Because he's like oh well I guess Oh yeah

He's like oh Elton yeah I'll be your party If not I'd just be hanging out Be fat producer And this guy's just gotta be like God damn it He that's the point Like he he gets into

Charlie Brown mode right there And like He puts his eyes to his shoes and walks out of whatever celebration this is. Poor guy, dude. And meanwhile, on the background, you just hear Goodbye sausage Lake Road. Oh, well, we're going to just be it out

singing about sausages till 4 a.m. You know, that song's a banger, dude. Oh, yes. He's a master. Don't you understand? Nobody can write sausage songs like that, man. I detail here. Yeah, he goes into fake Mark Addy's apartment. He's like, oh,

no gay stuff or nothing, but I love you. It turns out the love of my life is this hog beast in front of it. Right. This is a piece of shit. I love him so much. Steve, we do get the gay joke you were waiting for it. Yes, finally. He's just like, oh, you go to Elton's party and you're gay or than a penguin or whatever.

I forget what it is. Maybe it's a picnic basket or something like that. Something that. You spend five minutes at Elton's house. You come back gay or than a picnic basket. It's like, all right. Well, they have to counter it. I mean, that joke's like, whatever.

There's worse jokes you could make in that moment as far as I'm concerned. Yes, of course. Yeah, Andrew Dice Clay in that situation, maybe. Hickory, dickery, cock, dude, don't worry about it. No, but then he's just like, oh, don't worry about it, you fat fuck, I turned down all sorts of wild pussy that was just out at that party.

That's a great one. Yeah. 60-year-old Elton John's Christmas party is a wild baccadalia of fucking everyone getting their dick sucked. Bernie, you're coming to the Christmas party this year, right? Yeah? Yeah, I shelled out for the Dildo show again. Christina Aguilera, Kylie Mendo.

Jeffrey Epstein, everyone was there. Angela Lansbury. Oh, shit. I fucked them all. But including Jeff, turns out the love of my life is you, fat so. And it's like, all right, you know. I mean, it's supposed to be nice. It's supposed to be what they're trying.

for here is like friendship is also okay everyone yes there is something nice to be had there in this like it's these two dudes like career guys no families alone on christmas and again like if you had more of a movie here for this one storyline there is a this is where like at the hole where he's standing on the piano or whatever it is and he's like oh thank god i'm going to elton's party right i'd have to hang out with this fucking pub of lard all night on christmas eve they would have like a blowout right here it'd be like the end of the second act like fuck you i quit i'm tired of this shit you know what i mean because then i the song was my idea and you're blah blah blah right because then you have what we see is like the coming

back together scene like emotional resolution of some kind right but there's been no fallout yes and this entire movie is just vignettes of these people and they act like oh you know it's we can just show half of that story and everyone will clap at the end you don't you don't pay off any of these stories, any of them. No, no, no, it's all about rewarding your human beings' worst possible instincts as romance, as a romancers, as relationship havers, like, it's literally the worst decisions you could possibly make in those situations saying, yes, do that, go for it, baby. And this happens often on Wikipedia, because every time

inside baseball, I will read the entire Wikipedia Oh, wow, don't give away all the secrets. I know. But I'll read it on my way, just be like, let me just read the plot summary. It'll help me remember what's going on. Yeah. And there's always little details that the Wikipedia writer will either get wrong or insert for weird reasons. Ooh, what are we got here? It says Bill Nyeh's a robot.

Billy Forgo's a victory party hosted by Elton John to celebrate Christmas with Joe. True. Getting drunk and watching porn. Where did that happen? That's the last line Bill Nyehe has in the movie. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, I'm sorry. fat fuck, yeah, we'll have Christmas

together and he's like, okay, cool. And then he's like, he's got a battle of booze and he's like, oh, we could get drunk and watch porno. I'll have here bossy housewife six, escape from Tit Mountain. I thought

we could goon together all evening. Like, what the fuck? Why are you doing this with your friend? Merry goon, Miss Fatso. I don't understand it. You better not come until the morning the wee hours. Me first then you. At 4 a.m.

we're going to shoot our loads. You know me, right? Just the innocent old country mouse. Sure. What is gooning? It's apparently something that is originate. I don't remember where on the internet, but it's extra edging. It's like jerking off for like eight hours

or something. With the intention of not coming. Like getting yourself into a frenzy. For eight hours. Or so. Or whatever, maybe four or whatever. That is a fast ticket to prostate cancer right there. Often it is with a friend, too. Oh, really?

When you're like, you sit down together and you play with, not with each other's, but you're just next to each other. You're just gooning together. Yeah, yeah. Because I know what like a goon is in hockey and I was really fucking confused. Right. Well, you know, I think those guys did it too. But I don't know where I picked this up, but I'm running with it.

You know, you fucking know exactly. It's a website owned by Elon Musk. No, no, no, no. There's so much perverse things that come across my screen all day. I don't know where I'm picking shit up. Sure. So that's pretty much the 90s story. Let's try not to come in 90 seconds.

Let's play this game and see if we could make it the 90 seconds. Oh, Fatso, you won't lost 90 seconds. Oh, God, I love her Jenna Jameson. You know, she's racist. I've never been so hard in my life. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah, she's fucking weirdo. Like, real fucking weirdo. Isn't there? But, like, I mean, like, I know the joke is like, we're guys. So guys like, like, I don't know, dude. Like, if I was like, oh, hey, Andrew, but you're, oh, you're home, home alone for Christmas. So am I. Let's put on a regular movie.

You ought to put it some, drink some beer, watch the thing. You know what I mean? Exactly. Here's the thing. If you're like, so the other side of that, Steve, if you're like, hey, Andrew, oh, we're both alone for Christmas. Why don't I come over? We'll get wasted and watch porno.

I'd be like, is Steve finally going to make a move? Exactly. What the fuck invitation is that? Is that just doing anything for your fat stuff? You don't have to sit on that couch. You can sit over here with me. And perhaps they were going to turn on this Martin Freeman porno that we see being made. Why don't we just do that one next, by the way?

It's a non-story. It's so useless. It has zero business being here. In a way, I appreciate the cussing and the nudity that this film has. Yes. But you got to give me a reason for seeing any of this. I mean, this is ridiculous. We're introduced to Martin Freeman here.

Him and this woman, the character's name is Judy, just Judy. And they are blocking a scene where he is fucking her from behind. So they are stand-ins for what we are to believe is a porno film. And let me tell you something. The most fantastical part about this movie, no porno movie in the history of the universe has had this one. much blocking light level check? And may I say, there's no

fucking way it's a porno movie. There's like just no way. No, because they talk about being standards for Brad Pitt. I think it's supposed to be like a prestige movie that has a raunchy sex scene. Is that what's going on? That's my understanding. There's no way this is a porno movie. I would stake my life on this.

Okay, this is why this is really dumb then because if it's not a porno, you need to have at least one of these sequences where they're not blocking a fuck scene. Exactly. That's, I mean, that's the issue is essentially what they're suggesting is that this is like, if you remade dangerous liaisons, and there was a basic instinct level sex scene in the middle of it. Sure, but like, excite kind of what's going on here. Prestige sex scenes usually don't include blowjoys.

They do not. Although maybe it's about the invention of the blowjob in Graham. And again, I like this. Can I get that? The invention of the blowjob in caveman times first of all. Oh, that's right. Oh, my God. It was rough back then.

You're telling me one Neanderthal didn't we get another Neanderthal's dick. Oh, oh, okay. Excuse me, if you were a real history buff, you know, it was called a Jaja back then. Well, they don't call her saber tooth. First of all, it's a history blump. Okay. But to your point, that would be

if there was more than, and not that there needs to be more of it, but like, again, in the Stebbing from the Belknit example, like, if there's just a little bit more and it's like, oh, so wait, Martin from it's like, so in this scene, after they have an argument about the school caring

of their son, she just gives them a blowjob, and it goes, yeah, that's the script. Like, something like that. Because the combination of there's no other scenes being blocked except explicit sex scenes. And then like, the blowjob one, especially, I was just like, either you're remaking a Michael Douglas movie from the 90s or this is a porno.

It's one or the other. I'd be great if they're like, oh, yeah, just for a lot, just we were trying to test the boom, Mike, Martin, could you just, you want to get fucked? I'll tell you you want to get fucked. the thing with him saying like oh i once like doubled for brad peter right i thought that was him just joking because one is brad pitt and one is martin freeman yeah right oh and we see his ass by the way and i just come on don't be playing these guys double for sean ashton

man i was the standing on rudy fellowship of the ring i've been working with john ashton for years right this guy's kind of hobbit-esque he was never in one of those no he was he was literally he's literally young Bilbo Beggis. That Hobbit trail in the Hobbit. Okay. Yeah, I didn't see this. Hobbit, Smog, and five armies. Oh, you know, I think I saw the first one and I was like, I do not need to continue. Yep. You're fine. I never, I saw the first two and then skipped the third. I took a wicked nap through a lot of that third one. I think smog is kind of cool, mainly because

of the titcher through smog voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. Yeah, I think that's good looking. But, but look, the joke here is they're getting naked and doing Randy stuff, but they're kind of awkwardly meeting each other and like we also, and the weird part too like most of this movie is pretty chronological, like we say five weeks to Christmas but they fuck up here because they have scenes

back to back Colin who goes off to fuck all the American ladies. His friend is the connection. He's like the producer's like, could you touch a breast a little bit and do this? Oh, massage. Yes. And it's also like if you're blocking out a scene, you don't need to fondle her breasts.

another reason why I was like is this a sleazy pornos but this dude is in the wedding scene which is like the scene right before this and then the next scene and we kind of cut back and forth Oh the next scene he's at at the shoe Yes and it's just bad at the wedding

Oh it bugged me this time around Just a lot a lot bugged me But yeah so but that's the thing There's nothing here they're just sort of like Again no conflict no like It'd be funny if we The move would be Then they have sex right

And it's awkward or it's amazing You know what I mean? Like, oh no, we can't fucking less 20 people are standing around as with hot lights on. It's like a side plot in like extras or episodes like some show about movie making. You can remove it entirely.

It wouldn't matter. Oh, no. It would not at all. It would shave. It would get this movie to two hours flat, maybe 205. Yeah. And it would be a better movie for it.

I mean, but what, as I think Steve would point out at the beginning, like this is Scrapple. Like they took all the scraps. bad fucking scripts and they chopped it up and pushed it together and what clearly was missing from all of them was the good stuff. Yes. This is just like the worst possible

set up and execution shit of all of it. So more like crapple yourself. Yes. And you do have to explain Scrapple for the Brits listening. You did a good job summarizing it if it's like just the garbage. Yes. Chopped up and then fried on like a griddle. This is a

specialty in spam like Pennsylvania. Yeah. Pennsylvania Delaware Delco County kind of I've I've tried it once a friend of mine was from Delaware Yeah it's garbage we were driving through It's like dude you gotta try it man It's gonna be amazing

It's garbage yeah It's absolute trash It's the worst thing in the world Yeah awful yep yep no just I was thinking about the one time I had it It was awful It was like assholes fried with beans

Okay Or with onions assholes and onions For our dashing Brits When you come here to fuck our women Sure skip the scrapple Pro tip yeah But like yeah it just kind of progresses and they're in funnier sexual situations.

Okay, okay, wait a second because I just found another one. All right, I'm sorry. How is this not a fucking porno? Okay? The blowjob thing, one. I just found another one. They cut back to Martin Freeman.

She has her pants off riding his fucking face. What universal pictures movie is this? This is a porno film. Maybe it's an HBO show we're doing. Okay, maybe there's a dragon in the background. Jack Paramount don't like fucking muffing. diving in his movies, man, and this

movie's got it, whatever movie they're making here. Well, that's, I mean, you can't like, it's all to serve the fucking the hook of it. It's like, it doesn't have to make, they just want this scene to keep going. So it's like, what would they do? Right his face? I don't know. It's

funny. It's cheeky. It lets you know what sex is. Howard's knob end. Yeah. We're doing it. Listen, there's a lot of kids that watch this too. You've got to teach them for the future, I guess. This is what this is all about. And, I mean, that's kind of it.

And then he finally works up the courage to ask her out on a date. Which you don't see. Would you, again, like, again. And then they get married. They get engaged off screen, but you don't see. Yeah, basically, like, he, we just see him walk her to her door. And, like, I guess that's the joke is he doesn't go and have sex, even though they've seen each other and, like, wrote each other's faces.

She lives with her parents. Oh, okay. Is a thing that she does mention, though, at least. Do they get engaged or am I just? No, they do. They do. They do. shows the ring. He said, thank you, because I can't

fucking remember, because I have to keep track of 19 fucking people. At the, at the epilogue, when it's a month later, they run into Colin's friend, Tony, and they're like, Tony, look, hey look, here's our engagement, rig, and he's like, who could be

fucking juggling all these walls? The rent went up on my flat, so we're getting married. This is one at the airport. Yes. And that's like, try to bring everything together at the airport. It does not work. No, it does not work. Everybody at the airport is one of the dumbest things. At least Bill Nihy is at the airport briefly.

So it in some way connects him to this story. But kind of not. See, folks, it's never been safer to go to the airport and go on a plane. We're talking about Heathrow Airport. We're talking about Gadwick Airport. We're talking about flying to Milwaukee folks. I do think it's funny. Fly again, everyone.

We should say the epilogue. with Bill Nye's thing is like Joe meets Billy at the airport and he's got a sexy babe but it's like oh this is like oh hello Jennifer is like this is Agatha or whatever that's and again it's like underlining no they weren't gay that night on Christmas

they didn't get gay on Christmas we promise It's like Rick Dalton come back from Italy It'd be great if you had the fucking Zapata mustache too Ooh yeah That movie could use it This movie could use a mustache or two Bill and Joe, after a long, long road was kind of getting to the end

and they needed a good old drunk. Mike Addy and him had a fucking Mexican rat, the only Mexican restaurant in London. And they pulled up to bangers and mash and they pulled up to the other bangers in mash. That's the food over there. Yeah, it's only that. Yeah, their whole thing is they go on a date

which you don't see and he walks her to the door and then it's this awkward like, oh yeah, you were fake face fucking. me this afternoon, but I can't bring myself to kiss you now. And then she kind of just does. And then he's like, oh, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And a good day to you, sir. And the door closed. Let me just quote you, Mariah Carey real quick and say that all I want for Christmas is you. And he does like a big leap of success. And then success. That's the end of there. No, but you forgot about the great physical comedy right here. Oh, no. He jumps off of two states. is under the sidewalk as the big yes thing. Oh, and then he's going to hobble away. He's got bad knees. Oh, that's fun. He's been using all that

shadow fucking he's been doing. Actually, and Judy, I also, I just have to say, this smell beautiful, babe. Beautiful, babe. You know, I've been I've been sitting at this restaurant for weeks, smelling the food. Can't wait to taste it. Can't wait to taste it. You know, I've been

looking at the menu all week. You're freaking me out. Stop looking at me. I'm looking at the menu all the week. Can't waste it tasty. He's so romantic. He took us to Indian food the other day and he just stared at me the whole time. Yeah. How do you not just have a date scene with them at all?

Again, this is the one to remove. This is like the funny. Again, because some of them get really serious. I guess they, again, are one of the funnier ones to sort of insert again. with Laurelina, he's getting beaten by your brother. You want to light that load of touch. Nothing is wrong with this, really. I think that's like, it's a cute little story.

Nothing objectable. Also, I want to let people know if your brother doesn't know who you are, doesn't know where he is and he's hitting you, you don't have to visit him. He's not going to know, you're not going to know, it's fine. I'm going in order of appearance

as they start the movie. Sure, yeah, yeah. So then we have Colin Firth as Jamie. This is another one where I was like, this is a story that you can blow up to 90 minutes. This is a Sony classics. You can release this. I think this was,

you're about to say it, one of Curtis's real script. Big ideas. This and the U. Grant one, which you can obviously tell. If I had to ask you, which are the two ones that were actual movies that he condensed down to be in this movie?

It's this one and the Colin and the Hugh Grant one. I think the Hugh Grant one has more legs on it than this. this is kind of dull as fuck some British guys writing his memoirs question or whatever this is. He's writing bad like airport crime books. But first he's getting cucked by his brother. That's the important. Oh boy

I'm weeping in the trolley thinking about that. I want to ask do any of your partner's wives do they have any connection to this movie at all? My partner's wife let me think. No she hasn't gotten one yet.

No, my wife we hate watch this movie just about yearly So I've seen this movie quite a bit It's this and the family stone Which might be worse That's a state tune to happen I saw that in theaters

I will say My wife does like this movie She doesn't love this movie She doesn't stand this movie She enjoys it and understands that it's Not great My wife has never seen this movie And when I said you want to watch it

She said no So you've seen it Your wife hasn't but your electrician has seen you. You both watched it together. That's right. I love this movie. I just love it.

I mean, this is the splitter. Yeah. I just love you granting this. I mean, maybe that was something. Maybe I should have followed him to the airport after all this.

Or, yeah. The house failed this election, this inspection from the power company. He wired something wrong. He had to come back to wired it again. Was he trying something? Was he trying to be cute?

Dude, I think it was a meat cute. Right? You should have let him know that he was the love of your life. I know. I should have gave him fake head. Fake head. That would have done it. So I wanted to say, because so.

Please. Please. Tell yourself. She was young. She loved it and the thought it was like the best movie ever. But watching out, she clearly hates it. But it clearly while watching it, it triggers certain things. Like in this scene, when you find out that Colin first wife is sleeping with her brother.

You just immediately she saw the character on screen and she's like, oh, that's slut. What? Okay. So listen, man, you can go off. You can have a life. You can do whatever. Some movies will never escape your DNA. No, it's just there.

You can't fuck the brother, man. That's pretty fucked. Totally. Later in the movie, it comes back. You turns out you can't. Because like basically he's, uh, Colin Ford is actually going to, uh, try to all edge of his, and Curionettele's wedding. Correct. And he's like, oh, you can't make it to the wedding babe kind of a thing.

This is, I mean, what a colossal piece of shit this woman is. You're skipping a friend's wedding to fuck your husband's brother exquisite. Sounds good to me. And you're acting as if, because apparently he's like, oh, no, she's like, you're going to be light. Oh, no. He's like, oh, no, we should ride up the road. And I'm like, okay, then you can't act like he's going to fucking to Germany for the night for this wedding. you know what I think it's like she made a calculated decision.

You split up friends during a breakup a lot, right? Yeah, you could keep those two weird guys that want to fuck the same woman. That's fine by me. You go ahead and have a good time with that. Also, I mean, like, yeah, I would presume she's trying to get caught. That would be my guess. But like also, my God, this brother, he must be working with some serious lead down there. I mean, this shit.

I mean, if this guy looks like he should be working in the coal, That's a number two pencil. Yeah, but he's got a jackhammer down there because she was ready to go for this. She says the way it blows up in their faces is like the brother's like standing there when Colin Firth walks through the door and he's like, what are you doing here?

And he's like, oh, I'm getting a CD I left behind. And he's like, oh, the missus let you in, did she? And you just hear her go, come on, get back in here. I want you twice before Jamie gets home. Yeah. Come on, big boy. She gives a big boy I feel like if anyone

It never happened And thankfully never will If anyone's called me Big Boy during sex It's gone I lost it Oh it's gone You know what All right that was it

What if they called you Kingpin That's kind of a big boy That it's right back You know one of the mascots From Discovery Zone Once called me Big Boy So I'm right there now

That's back where I went Because a big boy Is just such an old fashion Like come up and see me Big Boy That's what that's kind of one of those things Are you into this? Are you making fun to me right now? It's 20 years ago. These people were into that type of stuff.

They grew up in the Great Something. No, Steve's right Because this is like When Betty Boop is about to suck you off Yeah, he calls you Big Boy. What do you think Colin Firth was watching when he was a wee lad? He's watching the Boopster, dude. Oh, yeah, a very big fan of the Order of the Boop.

Big boy, I haven't heard that since I got head I listen to Minnie the Moocher. And it's it is funny it's a very sweaty line of dialogue because conference

comes in he's like oh you know I just want to check it on her really quick because I was

before the reception you know we should go we should take mom out for dinner we'll be we've been bad sons

is what he says we should take mom out for dinner for her birthday we've been bad sons so we've set up immediately

that this dude is his brother sure yeah oh what piece of music did you want to borrow for me

new death tones No, I've only listened to it once. I've only listened to it once. I've got to get through two more times before you get that. I love white ponies. I mean, yeah, not only is this dude bad son. He's also a bad brother right in. Fucking your sister-in-law, dude.

Yikes. This woman, I don't know if she really went on. She's in a few of those Resident Evil movies, I think, is kind of a big character. But this, you don't even see her. No. That second time, she yells from the other room and then never seen again.

Because the next thing with Colin Firth is he's opening up the couch. country house in France is what's going on here. And again, horrendous spatial relations in the editing here. No fucking clue. This is France until like two, three minutes into the scene. Yeah, zero idea. No, no idea. He has, he needs a housekeeper. So he gets a Portuguese house. A housekeeper. Aurelia is her name, I believe. That's right. Did you do anything in this woman? It's also like, come on, dude. Pick up a fucking broom. You know. I mean, I don't know, Steve, because the, the story online or on the trivia is like her friend was a casting

director and sent her photo to the casting director of this movie. Okay. And then she got called in for an auditioning got it. So I don't know like what level of actress she was at. I don't know if she you know, went on to other stuff or did stuff before this. No clue. But yeah, so the whole thing here. And again,

this is another like 90 minutes Sony classics movie. It's like. That would be awful. Let's be honest. It would be, listen, in 2003, dude, it would be a fucking, like, art house hit. It would. I guess so.

Those movies were coming out at the start of the century. This is a good year, basically. Which I did not see, which I don't know. I imagine must be better than this. It probably would have made money. It wouldn't have been good. That's your balance there.

The entire story here, folks. He's typing up his stories. Yep. Oh, no. McGulliver, they went into the lake. Dude, if you are. And then that's it. If you're a guy.

sort of getting married. If you're a guy who, or if you're any person who's a novelist, writer of any kind, and you like to clickety clack on the old typewriter, fine. Sure, yeah. If you are going to clickety clack on the old typewriter outside sitting on a dock next to a breezy lake, I don't know. How about a paperweight? Thank you, a paperweight. My God, your people probably invented that. They invented the language you're writing too. And there's a bunch of, you know, this is what he notices she's super sexy. This actress's name is

Lucia Moniz. She's in a lot, a ton of stuff. Oh, look at this. I'm not usually attracted to my employees. You are number one with a bullet. Look at age. It is this look at age. I guess it's like she's she feels bad.

She blames herself. I guess she knocked the papers. I'd like to chalk this up to Mother Nature. And Colin Forth being an idiot. We're in France. No one speaks French. He speaks English. She only speaks Portuguese. Yes. Yep. All right. And it's cute because, and like, he can speak French, I think. But the joke. Yeah, he speaks like kind of broken French. The joke is every time like they talk to each other, he's like, oh, I wish I could, you could understand me. She's like, boy, I wish you could I could understand you and so on like that. It's like, get a fucking dictionary. Like, what the

dude and then it's so yeah there's yeah there's shit like it's my favorite time of day driving you and she says in Portuguese it's the saddest part of my day leaving you and it's all of that one to one they use that device like yeah 13 times it's the whole thing it's it's not 13 times it's the whole thing which is why the Hugh Grant story has more legs because it's actually about humans talking to each other not these two animals attempting to communicate because She goes into the lake in her sexy underwear, and he's like, oh, blimey, I better be a man and go in that too. Oh, blimey, it's cold. Oh, I hope there's no eels.

Oh, she just said eels in Portuguese. Is anyone laughing? No. Oh, I've got a strip down. Oh, no. My sausage roll is hard. Oh, no. She'll see my sausage roll.

How do you say, could I put it in your pudding in Portuguese? That's why I think he jumps into that lake so quick, dude. And he's like, uh-oh, bona time. Oh, I've fallen in the cold water. Oh, I won't be able to get out until you get me several towers I can put over myself. The perfect crime. And you're paying her to clean so she has to do it. Also, like, feeling really bad for these actors here.

If the trivia is to be believed, this was not like a real lake or anything. It was like 18 inches of water that they had to like lay down in and pretend they were swimming and shit. And you're looking at this shit, man. I'm looking at beautiful, majestic Colin Firth in this fake pond. This water looks dirty as shit. It does. Oh, awful. And it's ice cold. That's where we keep all of Jimmy Fallon's beer.

She drives him off. And, like, again, he's like, you know, to pay you back, I'd like to make you a character in my book. I wish you would make me a character in your book. Oh, isn't that something? Oh, boy, I wish, you know, I'm going to fantasize about you in my writing and think about weird nasty sex of, oh, I wish you would.

It's, this is these people. It is disgusting. How is my heart supposed to grow sizes during this, Chris? It's not, it's not. You're supposed to remain the Grinch. This is a Grinch-making movie. Yes, it's like one last ride, you know,

to the bus station or whatever he's been doing with this woman. He drops her off of the side of the highway. I don't know what's going on here, man. Like, this reminded me very much. of there is a bridge over in University Heights like right when West 207 turns into Fordham Road in the Bronx and there's a train station there for University Heights

and sometimes I would take that because it's like kind of close metro stuff but like you get out of this cab in the middle of one of the busiest streets in the five boroughs and you are it's like fucking Frogger out there but that's the thing is like oh my

sweet Portuguese love and she's also my housekeeper Well, I don't want to go, if I make a left, it's going to take me an hour to get back to the main road. So I'm going to leave you here. Is that right? If I leave you here, you just walk up and take that left there. Drive her the fuck home.

To the door, dude. What kind of romance is this? That would turn her off. She's like, wow, I wish this guy would drive me the fuck. Because that's, is he driving her just to like the closest bus stop? And then it's another 90 minutes. She's getting home at 12.30 at night. She's taking the Andrea Zuckerman bus route home.

I mean, This just torpedoes this character for me. What an asshole. Drive for a home. It's a shit. And it's, it's, it's traffic central down there. If I go down there, it's just, it's going to ruin my whole day. Do you know, if they get, if they, if they, if they catch you parking right in the front there, they give you a $20 ticket.

It's $20 that I definitely have. Chris quid. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. Hey, Callin first, did you get a ticket in front of my airport? But so, look, he, he does. drops her off and this is like the last time you know it's a good thing he fucking dropped her off though dude he gets an horrendous car accident i mean it's that horrendous like he pulls out because

he's all like love lorn and whatnot and like some fucking dude runs into him i want to see what that is sure because he goes like oh balva and then it like fades to black and you're like wait a second you's got a car accident and then the next bits you see it's like Colin for it's kind of always in montage bit of a there's a montage where it's like well we got to move all these characters together so finally it's like a montage of all the stories and one of them. Get ready for Christmas Christmas. Oh you better learn Portuguese before Christmas

because that's what he's doing. It's a, what is this? I don't think this is a helpful learning environment. You see it's like this pan across this row of desks and all these people with headsets on listening to like CDs or whatever to learn English

and then it's Colin Firth in the same row of people just quietly learning Portuguese to himself. Saying it out loud. Where's the instructor? What is this? Just in this classroom, it's like, all right, what language you want to learn? Portuguese is your

CD, go sit quietly. It's essentially a we work for listening to your cassette player. Yeah, I think they used to call these libraries. Yeah, no shit. I'm just going to say. We used to have them in the United States, not anymore. But it looks like a classroom more than like the library. Well, I don't, yeah,

I don't know. Maybe they've got a bigger library than us. Oh, maybe. You know, They did plunder the world. It's possible. He's running around. He's got Christmas presents and he's still, you know, talking Portuguese. It's kind of fun. And then so, you know, it's unlike the movie phenomenon because John Travolta learns the Portuguese

language in seven minutes. Oh, my God. You know the Portuguese language of seven minutes? You must have some sort of fatal brain tumor up there. Hey, man, better movie. Oh, definitely. I'll say it. I'll say it.

That's tough. I'll watch Michael over this. Oh, man. That's even tough. Yes. I actually, I'm with you on that one. By the way, stay tuned for Michael, maybe next Christmas. Yeah, probably.

I believe it's a Christmas movie as well. I was just about to ask if you got Christmas in that because, like, yeah, it's a perfect fit. He's a Christmas angel. I do have to say, Phenomenon is definitely a better title than what they first went for, which was a phenomenal cancer. Oh, that was the title of this movie, too. He's got, I think he's got his broken arrow haircut in that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he does. Travolta looks terrible. And then in Michael, he's got his. got the longest hit. He's got the main. And he's fat in that movie. That's the whole point. He's a fat. He's just heavier because he's an angel that loves to

eat. He loves frosted flakes. That's cool. But so, bad better movie. God, I wish I was watching it. Bob Hoskins in that movie. Oh, don't tease. It's Christmas Eve. Right. It's kind of, and this is a scene

again. Wait a minute. Why was it Bob Hoskins in this movie? What the fuck you? I mean, oh, three dude. You know, I think this was a little bit of the, probably the decline. Half the heart exploded by now. You know what? We're torturing all our old actors now. We should have done it back then too.

Yeah, but I think it was like he had like Parkinson's, didn't he? Yeah. That was real bad. Would that affect it any of this dialogue? It would be fine. Just get him in a wheelchair. He's fine. It's Bob Hoskins.

And it's like, we were just talking about the blocking for a porn movie. Right. He's the blocker for Ron Jeremy. Like, he's the perfect standing for Ron. Yeah, I broke the head, John. I'm the body double for the hedgehog They call me the Armadillo

But it's Christmas Eve And again, if this was a 90 page script He would be like Oh, he shows up And everyone's like Oh, it's Uncle Jamie Uncle Jamie. And he's got presents for all the kids

And everyone's a really like Nice Christmas scene The mom is there This looks like it's gonna be One hell of a Christmas And the brother is in the background And then he just thinks well you know well goodbye everybody and they're like what is it what a man's got to do what a man's got to do

and it's like that's fine beautiful what's that and also by the way i'm uh my my over there terence who fucked my wife not three weeks ago i will be we will not be spending christmas together goodbye sir yeah i didn't even notice is the brother the brother is totally in the back and then all these kids are like i hate uncle jamie yes that's kind of funny they've been turned against him fucking hate you too you fucking suck i hate you watching those Disney movies. This is the important lesson of this story is you don't have to spend Christmas

with people that drive you fucking nuts. True. It doesn't fucking matter. You choose your own family, Eric. Thank you. And that could be going to France and try to fuck a Portuguese waitress. Absolutely. Or I guess he goes to Portugal, right? You wouldn't know because this movie doesn't

understand how to edit spatial relations and make shit make sense when you caught around because I was like, did you fly back to France and this is some like Portuguese neighborhood and you went to the Portuguese restaurant or are you in Portugal? I don't know because the movie doesn't tell you. Also, I was

way wrong, just real quick. Hoskins, he could have been in this. He stopped acting in 2012. And he was busy though. So he goes to wherever he is, another Europe and like he goes to, the joke

is he goes to her house and like he finds the father the father answers the door and he's like, Hello, my broken Portuguese, I would very much love to marry your daughter. Oh, here's Miss Dunkin' Donuts for you then. Dude, and it's like, oh, you want my fat daughter? Because he's like, why? He's like, I want to marry your daughter.

He's like, you want to marry my daughter? What? And then this woman, like, sticks her head out. Like, who's there? And he's like, shut your mouth, Miss Duncan Donuts, 2003. It's just like, ouch, man. Like, what the fuck? First of all, Miss Duncan Donuts 2003 lives in the state.

to Massachusetts. You have to, you're right, Eric, you have to be a legal resident of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. But so like, whatever. It's, then the joke is like the town comes with him. This whole, dude, this whole,

like, he keeps getting more people. Oh, this is so, oh, every time, like, we cut back and there's, like, just an army of people, like some diamond commercial. Excuse me. Are we going to get Frankenstein? Thank you. Because this is, like, a. Middle Ages thing. Like the whole town

has to go see the proposal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then this is what, this poor woman, this Aurelia, oh my God. I would have said fucking no. No way. Yeah. She knows he's got deep pockets, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's sort of that fucking country estate, dude. I bet that book was great.

This is your second house. Oh, right? Yeah, exactly. I guess that's fair. Yeah. Duo residents. I'm sorry. All right. I would drive you all the way that, but I can't. You see, I'd have to turn all the way around. And then I get to the little circus there and have to turn around the circus.

I'm all about efficiency. Oh, he's a Mr. Dropoff. Oh, hello, Mr. Dropoff. What are you doing my restaurant, Mr. Dropoff? Oh, you buy me? Oh, you marry me. There is some, there is uncomfortable jokes about that. Yes.

About him buying her and then like... Well, no, it's the sister. The sister's like, I don't want to get married. or whatever, you know, whatever it is. Being sold to an Englishman. Yeah, that's what it is. He's like, it's like her, the other sister and the father have that argument.

I'm not in the skin trade anymore. Oh, geez, this is so, so bothersome. It's been so many years. What a woman. Ever since the good Pope came about to stop that. I know, wait. Oh, I forget, do, did we used to own Portugal? I forget the crown took that one.

No, I don't think so. Oh, damn. Dang it. So he does this like, broken Portuguese proposal she responds in English and it again

like if this was a movie this one part was just a movie it would have some weight where she you know he's like oh oh Omar you you took English lessons and she's like basically like just in case I ever ran into you again

and like it just hits like a feather because like I don't care no I've not had time to actually invest in either of these people in this relationship, the potential for this relationship. The music swells like you should. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

So the PM love theme is because they made it for you could put that like behind like Hitler's big speech in Munich and fucking people would clap like fucking seals like clap like seals for it. That was

this fucking song. That was Hitler's big trick. He just had great swelling music after every speech and everyone went along with it Listen to this shit Oh look Chris has it on his phone Chris is riled up folks Yeah

Was this masterpiece theater starting Yeah It's really banging Oh it's awful You can put any All manner of hate speech In front of that people like Oh yes

Love conquers And love does conquer dude Because in our final scene of everybody goes to the airport. They come to like, they're getting back to England. Yes. I don't think it's from a honeymoon. It's just maybe

they're engaged now. They are definitely engaged. Yes. Boy, everybody's just getting engaged around Christmas. What a fucking cliche. And all engagement announcements happen at the airport. It's a big thing. It's the most romantic place. They run into Andrew Lincoln, Chituala Lajafor and Kiri Knightley because they're all friends

and it's like, oh, you know, the woman that cucked me, no, not Three weeks ago. I forgot about her. Now I'm engaged. It doesn't sound like a good idea, man. Cool. We have a whole thing going on here. Really? Real weird. Real weird.

You know, she's 18. She's 18 when she fucking... Wait, who is? Period. Nightly. Really? Yeah. She's only five years older than the little redhead boy from Game of Thrones. That's fuck. Is that crazy? That's proper fuck.

That's right. And also, I mean, this is thankful for so fun, this one, because a whole time, every time I think about Cura Knightley in this movie, I'm like, that is the stupidest hat I've seen anybody wear in my entire life. And she's like, do you know why she was wearing it? And I was like, no. And she's like, she had a huge zip. Yeah. On her forehead. Yeah, read that on the trivia. And like, they were just like, that could be a human thing. We can't let that happen. This has to be just a lovey-dovey thing. You know what the dumbest hat in the world. means you're too young to get married. All right. Well, we might as well do them. They're right here. By the way, this opens. Yeah, they're right up. Well, I was going to say, our next contestant is Liam Neeson stepdad. Oh, man. This is, this is rough because I'll tell you right now, poor Liam Neeson, man.

This dude, I guarantee you, does not like thinking about this movie. I'm sure. And I guarantee you there's people that come up to him not so much like from taken and they're like, oh my God, you and the little boy and love actually. Oh, you at that funeral scene in the beginning, Liam. Like, it's so awkward that he's playing a fucking newly widowed man in this movie. Yeah. Oh, God, it sucks.

And it starts with this poor woman's fucking funeral. And here's a thing, man. It's a fucking funny funeral. And it's just always a note. If you guys, when I die before all of you, which I'm sure will happen. Yeah, any day now. If you guys want to go to a bar afterwards, tell stories about the old days, yuck it up. That's great.

Dude, that's totally fun. That's expected. But at the, wait, you're just saying I can't do the Gleap soundboard at the funeral? Doing your voice back to everyone. Yeah, they would love it. I got this great. You got to, I found it the other day. I got this MP3 of you doing a Grito impression.

Oh, yeah. Perfect for your funeral. I miss him so much. Eh! Eh! Eh! Yeah, my mom wants to see as my body gets colder. Yeah.

On Patreon, we have that side show Gleepe Glossary where we have fun. Anyway, that's where we're referencing. So you don't want any of those shenanigans. No, no. I think a funny funeral is, because it's always great for the dead person to be like, you know what, at my funeral. Trolling. Yeah, it's just like, nobody should wear shoes or whatever the fuck it is.

Because you don't have to be there. And you're not grieving yourself. the funeral's not for it's your funeral but it's not for you it's for everyone else but yeah so that's what we can have fun i get the intention though right with people that do that where it's like i truly don't want like people to be sad that i'm gone let's try to lighten the mood a little bit sure and it just never works like i wish it did just do no funeral that's what my family tfb too fucking bad it's i'm sorry like you're going to have to be sad people are going to be sad because it's how it happens

I'm sorry Nissan gets up and he gives the speech and he's like well it's always the way he's not hiding the Irish accent which is kind of fun to watch good oh yeah I mean there's no reason to let's just fucking come on when Joanna died I fought her on this one but

she was like you'll never remarry he's like well not unless I see Claudia Schiffer crickets crickets it's really bad like I get it it's a hard room but you think There'd be at least a polite

You can't, you just can't do that You're right, you can't do that You can't talk about like what you want to put your dick in You can't make in, in this movie In 2003, when this funeral scene is taking place, you can't make a joke they also make in Wayne's world Okay, welcome to my dead wife's funeral

Shawing! Exactly. Some dudes playing fucking air guitar next to Now that she said I can date to Abraham Lincoln Date Bugs Bunny dressed up as a lady bunny It's doing it for me Also like I think the ultimate trolling though Is not in the watch this you know video

And listen to my husband's terrible monologue It is that you are forcing your funeral audience To listen to a not Fucking famous Bay City Roller song There's the one famous one Saturday night And then there's all these other songs apparently It's bye bye baby or whatever it is

And it's it's crippling Because it's kind of like Bye bye baby It's like an upbeat song And it's just a montage of this dead woman And everyone's just devastating Well that's the thing right Is the way that Liam Neeson is setting this up

In the eulogy You're expecting kind of like a funny video But then it's just the Bay City Rollers and a bunch of pictures of like them when they got married and here's her pregnant and blah blah blah and I'm like, well where's the funny part? Yeah. You're just intentionally

leaving these people with all these like a sad slide show. I mean imagine like you're at this funeral and like two days later you're just like at work goodbye baby oh where is that in my head from? Where do

all my dear friends funeral? Oh I didn't oh it was what I was watching photos of my dead friend and listening to the Bay City Rollers. I thought that was buried in my memories. It was only freshly buried. It was right there. But that's like when you,

Selim Nieson is like, and the only way she wanted me to do it was to have you sit here and be serenated by the great artistry that was the Bay City Rollers. And then you expect the joke to be like, on a Saturday night, Saturday night. They're carrying the casket down the fucking aisle and whatnot.

But it's like, it's not that. So it's like you. you fucking biffed whatever this joke funeral is going to be. Well, and I hope if she's this big a fan of the base seat roll is, she better be fucking Scottish. Nobody loves this sister too much this much. If you're not Scottish, that makes no fucking sense.

It's just funny. So yeah, he also then, we learn he is the stepfather to this little boy. The most disgusting shit boy I've ever seen. Honestly, looking at this kid's head, I just wanted to vomit every time I saw that. this girl. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sure he's a great chap. I thought this kid was actually

adorable to be quite honest. I think he's adorable too. He's a disgusting shit boy. Eric, I love you. I'm with you. Thank you, sir. There's something about it where it's like, I don't see. So tiny is the problem. That makes it even grosser somehow. But it's it's kind of hard for me

to articulate. But like, you know, I was just talking about that Netflix Family Switch movie with Ed Helms and the Brandy movie. in the Brandy movie what the fuck is that best Christmas ever there is I'm telling you it's an A plus disgusting shit child this little daughter

character it's awful and it's like because of the precociousness I don't get exactly precociousness from this kid well he's a baby I mean love I want to go talk to this girl and it's just like that is shitty I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with him

like I don't think he's a shit eating kid I think he's just fucking weird. He's a little weird. It's Erie. It's Erie. Eerie. Eerie. But I am willing to take it disgusting for this one reason. The boy is in love with the little girl

named Joanna. Also happens to be the name of his dead mother. Sure. It's a fucking vertigo with the baby ship boy. Why don't you make your hair like my mom? It is. I mean, like... Let's go up to the clock tower.

That was I mean, not that I was ever throwing anything away, but that was always a done deal. I'm not, I'm not fooling around with any Natalie's. You know what I mean? Exactly. It's off the table.

Exactly, dude. Like, I'm sorry. Not happening. So you're, and you're telling me this, the day after the funeral. Okay. All right.

I got it. Okay. We need a like a suicide squad of therapists. Like the worst of the worst. This kid would later be in Game of Thrones. Yes. Jogen Reed. From the swamp place, which makes sense because he's a, you know, a D.SG.

Thomas Brody Sangster. He was also in the Queens Gambit. Maze Runner, I think. He's a maze runner kid. He's on that new artful Dodger show. Artful Dodger, which is amazing to be. Like, do you think, do they just take like Oliver Twist, they're like, well, like they're like us like, let's take every part of it and break it down.

We've done enough remakes of Oliver Twist. I swear to Christ, if this is how that guy became the artful. Dodger, I'll throw my fucking TV out the window. How about you? Why else would you call it that? I know. I know. I know. I know. And that sucks because that's what that fucking Peter Pan and Wendy garbage movie was earlier this year. David. How Captain Hook became, went from Lost Boy to Captain Hook. Wow. Dog shit.

As someone who's been on the Lowry train the whole time, that one stung. That was really tough. I was singing old man in the gun to the high heavens. Great movie. Great movie. Great movie. Dog shit. A horror. So, Sam is the kid's name. He has locked himself up in his room and nobody knows why.

We assume it's because of the grief of the mother. He's telling Emma Thompson, he thinks, because by the way, Liam Neeson's character and Emma Thompson's character, I guess, are just friends. Just friends. It doesn't really get more explanation. You don't know much about Liam Neeson. The funniest part is in the middle of this,

one of his sequences, he's got one of those triangular fucking rulers. like, I guess he's an architect. Like, that's kind of... Is he using it at a drawing table? Or is he just literally holding it? No, he's like, oh, I'm busy architecting. Oh, my boy's in trouble.

Like, that kind of a thing. Yeah. So you do architect work. Oh, no, actually, I own a ruler-making company. We make all kinds of rulers. Big ones. All kinds. The circular one.

We do that one, too. We do the L-shaped sometimes. We're branched out into sex tints. we used to be owned by a calculator company Texas Instruments because I love that you said we make we make all sorts of rulers long ones and then there was a really long pause

and the circular one I couldn't tell you another kind of ruler besides a long one we got the double-sided guy there with the inches on the one side and the centimeters on the other do they have yardsticks over there is that is that one of their words is that one of ours I don't know What's a yard?

Three feet. Yeah, okay. That might be one of theirs. Yeah. Okay. So that's a long one. Yeah, we made the sticks too. There you go up, that another long one.

Put it on the board. Oh, yeah. Well, you'll, you'll be, you'll, Emma Thompson's like, you'll find someone else. You're the ruler king of England. Everyone loves you. Yeah, but am I ever going to find another woman wants to stay in on a Friday night and play with me,

Spirographs? Remember those little guys? Yeah, oh, I couldn't forget. That was like a cousin to the ruler. Yeah. Yeah. That's what a ruler magnate does and is down to. Spirograph art.

The useless ruler. That's what that is, right? It's the wacky ruler. Yeah. That has no practical purpose. No, you're just making fun shapes. That I think then if you were later like on psychedelics, you'd look at and be like, oh, I'm seeing through time. Oh, yeah, we got into a spirograph game for a little bit, too, but then it all sank.

So how did she die again? We don't know. Oh, nice. Cool. We don't know that. And the other thing, too, is like, so, like, Emma Thompson's like, you know, he's like, I don't know what's wrong with the boy. The lad, he won't come out and she won't eat. You won't do that.

And, you know, she's like, it's going to take some time. And he's like, and he breaks down here and good Liam Nees and acts. Oh, yeah. And I mean, dude, that's a rough fucking call, dude. You're immediately now that now I got to raise this kid all the way by myself. And he's a step. He's so fresh. When was the, she, he just got married to this woman and she blew up on a yacht.

or something. I don't know what I have a feeling that the life of Mary McGowan is insured for a staggeringly high amount. This kid's like five years old. Yeah. So it's like what the, you know, like from, that's not a long time. No, but they show grandparents too. Like there should be a custody battle. I feel like ramp should swoop in. Absolutely. That's, we get him. But that's why I like, yes. The way that this is set up because it's not like, you're just my stepdad and all that shit. you've seen a thousand times like he's just he's a stepdad and the kid's older than five he's got to be at least like they say he's 10 10 yeah right so it's like yeah yeah that's an american five i don't know all kids look alike to me sure but this 10 year old is like i'm not coming

out of my room until i get pussy and Liam nees is like aren't you a little young for wanting the pussy because they sit down he's like what's the matter lad is that your mother and is like well no actually it's it's it's not it's like i miss but he's i don't care about her he's like i'm Missed my mom, I guess, but I really, really am in love. And it's like, he laughs. He's like, why would you laugh at that? It's the worst feeling in the world. And it's like, oh, isn't this precious?

Liam Neeson's got a good line here. He goes, well, you know, no one's going to shag you if you're crying all the time. Yeah, dude. But they will. If you piss your pants after drinking, they will. It's funny how it works. It's true. But you got to have a massive Irish.

fireplace poker down there like I do. And since he's step he doesn't have it. Oh yeah, we lost your mother to stomach cancer, I can't believe it. You know, last night I went around with a baseball bat looking around for stomach cancer I could find on the street. Look at all, looking at

all the stomach cancers up on the high street trying to find him. Just waiting for some stomach cancer to come poking his nose in my face. Luckily they didn't. But so his whole thing is like, I'm going to help my boy, you know, tell his little crush

that, you know, he likes her or whatever. I can get you the second base, lad. That's as far as we go. After that, it's after, that's all up to ye. Let me tell you about a famous pussy hound named Ringo Starr. A lot of Ringo Star talk here. Yes, quite a bit.

Some Ringo Star bashing, though. Yeah. Because it's something about like ugly dudes getting laid and he's like, I don't remember what the... It's like music. It's like, how am I going to talk to her? Oh, there's a big Christmas pageant coming up. She's a singer.

If I'm a musician, I can get in. And he's like, oh, that's a great one, lad. Ugly dudes have been getting laid through music all the time. Ringo Starr, one of them. That's what I can't remember with the, there's a, the first one, it's like somebody. And he's like, and Ringo Starr married a Bond girl. And the good joke is the kids like, I don't know what any of that means. Yeah.

I love it. no. 10 years old. Oh, I need to join the band. And he's able to play the drums at the end. Yeah, he's no problem. He picks it up pretty easily. Pretty easy. And we're told at the beginning of this movie that it is just five weeks till

Christmas. Yep. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're not mastering a whole drum kit with zero experience. He's a fucking prodigy honestly. He's really slaying at the end of this movie. He'll pert, look out in heaven. The next movie to this part is basically he shuts himself in his room again, but this

time it's to only play the drums that it's like well because we're also like the reason why he's got to like get this down is because this girl this is what I could have sworn up and down that this kid tells Liam Neeson the girl is moving back to America. Okay. Yet at the end

of this movie when we do the one month later thing she comes back to London I don't know but in one way or another this girl at Christmas is going to America and he's all worried he's never going to see her again She wasn't planning on it But I mean they kept in touch They started having phone sex

And she just couldn't keep away She couldn't help herself There is man What if speaking of teases in this movie This is the ultimate tease right here We're like the kids bumming about her Or whatever And Liam Neeson

It's a nice like fun Stepdad thing I guess I don't know It speaks to maybe they had This tradition when the mom was alive Or something he's like Oh do you know what we need right now Samo We need a little Kate and Leo

And it just cuts to them watching Titanic and I'm like, oh, no, and excellent movies on the TV while I'm watching this instead. Oh, fuck. Not fun. And like, it's, it's pretty funny for, like, your feel good movie is like, okay, do you have four and a half hours? Okay, yeah, let's watch our feel good movie for four and a half hours. Aren't they like acting it out together? They are. It's like, now kiss me. Let's practice. Now draw me like one of your French girls. What? Joanna's going to want this. You're going to have to learn. no we're like dancing like in the carriage you know all the poor people are looking at us the

irish like me hey did it exactly oh my god uh but yeah so like it just kind of goes on like that is there any this is pretty quick it kind of gets right to it they need to have again like something needs to happen here but no it's just it's just the big concert leon who is leon who is leon's sister he doesn't have a sister he does somebody one of these other remember he calls and he's like cis. No. He's only talking to Emma Thompson who's his friend. Hold on. Is Emma Thompson the sister then?

No, there's somebody else. She's your grand sister. Yeah. That's right. Oh, that's what I'm thinking about. Never mind. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so like it leads up to this big festival thing or this, this, it's like a Christmas pageant. Yeah. Again,

on Christmas Eve, no one's like, oh, Ropish, I'm not going on Christmas Eve. I'm going on Christmas Eve. I'm going to a school to watch some kids play drums I don't think so We get

You're gonna dress like a lobster On Christmas Eve I want to tell I don't want That's a telling 75% of the characters show up to this thing This should have been the climax

This should have been the thing Colin Firth Billy Mac Billy Knyes Not here Whatever Those stories should not be in this movie Yes

Anyone that's Anyone that's not at this pageant Does not belong in the movie That's a great point Eric Because that would And that would make this a movie

that like has a crescendo it's like oh my god all of our characters are here it's riding towards this crescendo and then it stops dead has another 35 minutes and then they're like let's try again at the airport yeah so basically it's a shong bahoo mariah what no i won't be doing that thank you very much it's kind of weird so it's like the teacher comes out teacher by the way from uh breaking bad oh elliott from breaking bad the great matter guy uh is it a ton of stuff he was just in oh succession as the election expert oh yes yeah yeah yeah yeah he pops up in a ton of shit and he you know here he's just like the teacher and he's like

we're we're about to do the final act of the night and it's the big show it's a big song the big show's in this well it's a big show Paul White walks out I fucking wish it's like you'll forgive some of the teachers we got a little excited we're all in this and when I tell you it is mostly adults on this stage. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Yep. Yeah. Because you got, well, because you got the kid on drums,

you got the girl singing. I think there's like a guitar player and a bass player. And then this horn section filled with children. Yes. But this like chorus of teachers, I got to tell you right now, you always had that like, maybe Steve, you didn't have this in Catholic school. Sure. But like, when the teachers would begrudgingly get in on those kinds of productions or whatever. And it was always like two teachers and you knew the principal had a gun to their head. Yes. You know what I mean? It wasn't this like, oh, we managed to get the entire faculty up here to do this number. It would, it's just to save the night because these kids are God awful. And that's every kid everywhere. No, but the little girl's voice, Eric, it's like she's

like an angel. Right. Well, because she's, she's American or something. That's why. She's singing Mariah Carey's all I want for Christmas is you. Oh yeah. Right song. And the kids, he's, he's doing the drums. He's so tight. He could barely hold the drums thing. Thank you. This is disturbing, this little thing. And then he's playing the drums and she's like, all I want for Christmas is you and points at him. And he gets a

fucking chub right instantly, the first one of the life. And then she starts pointing towards other people in the crowd and you and you. And the look on his face. Oh, he's going to fucking murder. No, he is. Who's that fat fuck? Exactly. Well, you pointed at that fat fuck.

Wait a second. You're pointing at other people. Bump of me? Yeah, he gets this scow. And then this is the character we have brazenly run through airport security to try to assault this girl later. It's disturbing. Why did you say, end you to Mr. Smitty? He just teaches mathematics.

What the fuck's that? So you're like a 40-year-old fat guys, huh? Oh, you enjoy fucking Mr. Smitty, you fucking whore. Hey, Smitty, she fucking said it to me first, pig. Does he give you drinks? Does he pay for your food? You talk to me. Dude, it's fucking wild.

Remember what I gave you my milk? Yeah, Mr. Smitty would never do that. So the big page and she sings the song and is instantly getting into this car to go to the airport on Christmas. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, no, we'll do the pageant and then we'll go to the airport. And then we'll get the red eye or whatever.

This is actually like Mariah Carey leaving some concert and get the car. We've got to go, Mariah. Come on, get the car. And we do the fucking motorcade. Yeah, but then a little creep chases her. It tries to have foster at the air. You need Kevin Costner as the bodyguard to carry her away. Or you need fucking Liam Neeson as her bodyguard

like and take it. Oh, that's right. Oh, could you give my daughter some singing lessons? And then you need Kevin Conroy as the little boy going after her screaming. But so she you know, he goes up, oh, you did great Sam Milad, you killed it with the drums. It doesn't matter if she's leaving.

Well, let's just follow her to the Dam Airport then. Now, let's commit some crimes. Take me gun. Let's go to the airport. The World Trade Center is still fucking fresh. That body is fresh. And we're running through the airport.

It's still smoldering, dude. It's a smoldering hole in Lowerman House. But it's wild that like you start this movie acknowledging that 9-11 happened. Yes. And you end this movie with outright airport shenanigans. This kid would be fucking tased in the head. You'd be tased within an inch of his life.

And if this kid's hair, he's lucky he's a ginger. If his hair was darker, he'd be shot in the back. With real bullets. I'm not taking any chances. Get him. Oh, it's a white boy. We'll tase him. Oh, no. I don't know. Dog hair, shoot him in the back.

It's a white boy with a scoff. Headshot. Right in there. There's another airport thing when that kid Colin goes to Wisconsin to go get laid or whatever. Sure. He says something to the effect of like America's got a big surprise coming to it. You cannot yell that in an airport in 2000.

I agree with you, but thankfully, the ellipsies at the end of that sentence is almost immediately followed up with Colin's big dick. He's got a big knob. Yeah, there it is. Thank you. Oh, you mentioned Frankenstein earlier. Colin looks like that. A little bit like, oh, Frankenstein is much more handsome.

But this little better complexion. This little kid, so basically like, you know, we get there. We get there. Like, Liam is like, can't we let the kid go. he's got to crush on a little girl and look the guy's like absolutely it in his 2002 and a half right here he's got a suicide vest on

how you let him through look it's a dead man switch all right so as long as you don't do nothing to him and the boy stays alive the airport doesn't blow up hey good movie actually absolutely this kid is just zipping through this airport

and this is where like the erode act is well no before that the dip shittery of like sometimes these storylines connect because this kid doesn't know it but Bill Nyehy helps him out here because like all the fucking

like terminal people are like stuck eyes glued to the TV this old man naked on the telly playing his fucking Stratocaster his terrible Christmas song that this kid's like oh they're all just watching that naked old guy got it and like jumps over the railing

yeah sometimes we crash into each other and watch old men's penises on TV. Yeah. I don't think they're showing the knob, though. It's a cop. I would hope so. He specifically dodges the metal detector. Just let, you know, I don't know. I don't know what he's got. I don't know what this kid's got.

He jumps through it and it goes off and he keeps running away. It goes off. You know what he does? He does the, he's like how he's on a playground. He jumps into it and it's one of the, it's not like the full body scan ones we have. Now it's the old fashioned rectangular. The doorway. Coffin-shaped doorway. He

does the, I'm going to jump over the guy and he puts his hands on the side of it and swings through it, this kid is being tackled by four 250 pound men. I'm just sorry, take the shot. Honestly, I can't trust it. Look, it'd be better for Liam Neeson in this point.

He can just bang Claudia Schiffer for the rest of his life and he has met her. Do you think that's his thing? Do you think that's his thing where he's just like, yeah, go ahead. Let it happen. Exactly. Let him die in some horrific mistake. You know that coat from Leon the professional that he has

that it's full of knives and guns in there but yeah at the school before he meets up with Sam he runs into a mother that looks that is played by Claudia Schiffer and I guess the joke is she looks exactly like Claudia Schiffer

you guys can see but Steve definitely did quotation marks around the word joke when he was to it's just the most it's like oh god you can see it coming a mile away because he says Claudia Schiffer like three times well I would I would I can't imagine never taking anyone else again, except for Claudia Schiffer.

Well, I can't eat pizza unless Claudia Schiffer was eating the pizza. We're going to be fucking in every room, including yours. That's what he says to him. You're right. That would be great if they, like, you know, because you finally see, finally seen Liam Neeson's bedroom and just cover with Claudia Schiffer posters

and, like, cut out pictures everywhere. Yeah, I still have issues of Sports Illustrated from 1992. Don't worry about it. I told you to stay out of my goon cave. I'll just be Gworned all night to Claudia No the ones on the window are most important Oh yeah

Better call me Eddie Valiant I'm taking a car to Goon Town Oh man Are we done yet? No we got exactly five more people to talk about But he gets through And he meets up with a little girl And he's like Joanna

And she's like Sam He's like you know my name? And she's like, of course I do. And she gives him a cute little kiss. It's adorable. And then this kid is escorted back, gently back out of the airport. Though he's, him and Liam Neeson are spending the next four days in deep interrogation. Yeah. What do you think Christmas dinner's like in jail, kid? The S.A.S. are breaking this kid's fingers one by one. And Joanna is not getting on that plane. What did, what did you give to her? Why don't you tell me why you, what was so important? Right. You got to her. Let me ask you

that little boy. Now they're fucking interrogating that poor girl and her whole family. Get Mo. Right when you land in the United States, you're going to go into. Which also like, by the way, that fucking family that's getting on that plane not going to have as easy of a time with airport security as Liam Neeson and the ginger kid. We got to put them in Gitmo.

Get them a Christmas and Gitmo. Get them a family pass. Oh, no. Guys, no, this is a beautiful alternate history of Billy Bob Thornton as president. Oh, fuck. Yeah. But so that is that. And then obviously, yeah, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, epilogue, uh, Liam Neeson is dating Claudia Schiffer very clearly. Of course.

Absolutely. Or the Clority of a character. Which I think it was Carol or something. Carol. Yeah. I think also, this movie is doing a really pathetic like, oh, isn't she ugly? And they just throw a pair of glasses on her. Yeah. For that airport shot.

Like, oh, look, he's his humble slash supermodel fucking girlfriend. You know, you know what we should do? We should do a heist. And you could play Claudia Schiffer on it. Oh, dude, I'm taking a book straight out of Ocean's 12, aren't you? God. Yeah, you're right. That's exactly what this is.

And I hate it. You look like, I know, I guess. That's kind of stunning the movie doesn't have that exchange with her and Liam Neeson. Oh, aren't you? No, I get that all the time. Yeah, like some guy at the airport or something could do it. It's actually Carla Siffer. so do we do the fucking weirdo

who's obsessed with American babes Colin we did knock that baby out yeah let's crank that out so this guy he is we're introduced to him we meet him at the office of Alan Rickman he's delivering well it's the best sandwiches in London which man

what does that even mean special aole in it all made from a nut sock yep I knew it I was going to say it but I'm glad But what is the job here? Like he's delivering sandwiches, but then he's at... You guess he's like a Jack of All Trains food delivery.

He's presented as a grade A loser. Zero prospects in this country. No one will give him a time of day. But he knows American slags are dumb enough to bite. He's a guy who is kind of doing a gig economy type of lifestyle. A whole two decades before it was really a reality. I think you're right. Just yeah, yeah, like Steve said, just a Jack of All Trains.

small job. It's kind of a deal. And he's got his buddies, Tony, who we've already met as the producer, as the director of the maybe porno. Of the possible porno. The DP of the DP. And the joke is like this guy's like, you're never going to get. They're at the wedding. He goes, Colin goes up

to this woman. He's like, do you want an appetizer? And she's like, no thanks. Like, yeah, they're probably rubbish, aren't they? They taste disgusting. And she's like, I'm actually the chef here. It's awful. He says they look, these little whatever these appetizers are

look like dead baby fingers it's a taste explosion don't you know and it's this it's this really bad like you know the like the punchline to the joke

12 lines before they actually hit it he keeps insulting the thing and you know that the woman made the fucking food the whole time I'm the caterer like blah bra he also he has a creep line to Rickman's secretary

this Mia character dude yeah I think maybe playing the literal devil in this movie but she goes to her while he's delivering the sandwich he's like oh hello future wife and he's just like dude get out of here what a louis he's like fucking quagmire

from fan but you're using Biff Tannen lines his pickup yeah yeah he's probably reading what was that pickup artist book in the early odds the game the game he's probably reading that that dude has that in hardcover and paper back and he's got the audio book too

the tapes oh yeah well because you know what dude when the game what was the dude's name oh fuck Neil something the author oh mystery mystery right it was like yes VH1 show yeah

but that was the guy who did those books or no that was I think that was a student I thought that the guy who wrote those books had like a single name kind of thing or something I think he's got two names no all right I remember I'm getting them all like that Tucker Max are all like

like a pickup artist guy though yes yes Neil Strauss I guess is the guy who did the game Oh I see I bet he's really cool But so But it's really like

He just goes to his buddy Tony He's like I can't get laid in America I can't get laid here All the women You know I'm just another I'm just another fish in the sea But in America I would I would clean up

Because Americans love a guy With a British accent And this It's true And that's the joke And like basically He just goes to America and get played.

The joke is like it gets really like meta here where like all of these like super babes that are like doing cameos in this movie. Like January Jones is there. We go to this. Like he gets off at the airport. It's like take me to a bar, any bar,

and any American bar. And they go to this bar in the middle of. Wisconsin, I think. Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Where Milwaukee, they're literally a military. Where women are famously supermodels in Wisconsin, of course. Yes. And then they, oh, you know, oh, you should wait for Carolyn. She's got a thing for English guys. It's January Jones, Alicia Cuthbert. The woman from that episode of Seinfeld, who's married to the shitty tennis instructor. Yes. Who like goes to come on to Jerry. And then she's like, I can't do it. Milo. She's my husband. I always, she always reminds me of Milo Jovovich. Yes. Yes. She's, yeah, I think she's a Serbian actress that like, uh,

Whatever. But he's so fucking sexy that they take him to their place to stay. I will say, this is when the fucking soundtrack makes me... Wherever you may go. When I look and you go. It's the calling. Yeah. Wherever you may be when I look through your eyes.

It's the CW like that. I think that might have been the song for the Smallville for a while. possibly. For the show or for the this Thursday on Smallville television. And like it's basically they're having I'm ugly, so ugly but I'm banging these American broads. I mean, again, I think that this bit is a funny little bit.

Insofar as like the movie kind of needs something that's super broad and the joke is like, oh man, American girls go crazy for it. American girls are so sexy. And like, it's, it's, it's,

it's at least heightened to a comedic degree. Sure. To the point where you're like, I get it. He's there, and then, the silhouette of them

taking his clothes off or whatever. Did you read the trivia that he's claimed like, and I gave back me money for today because the babes were touching me. Ew. But what a, what a fucking loser.

Dude, classic example of why you have to finish the trivia page, dude. What happened? Oh, whoa, whoa, because later on down in the trivia. It also mentions he

did some interview on a radio show and someone was like, hey man, this crazy about you giving the money back for the sex scene part or whatever and he's like, yeah, that's not true. I kept that money. Are you stupid? Oh, you're stupid then. Yeah, yeah, I know. Why would get back to money? Well, who would make that

up? Lusers on the internet. Or him and now he changed. Yeah, possibly. He might have been getting Randy on English television like our friend Billy. Oh, actually. No moral qualms in 2003. Plenty in 2011. God, I've never been so

turned on. You look like a mix of Roger Rabbit and Drop Dead Fred. I've never been so horny in my life. He kind of does look like Drop Dead Fred, but I'm not letting go a rickety Cricket, dude. He definitely has a little crickety. Dude, he's tall, skinny, and British. Forget about it. Whatever that goes on in the face, it doesn't matter.

Well, Drought Dead Fred is a famous British comedian. Rick Mayhall. Yeah, rest of peace. But, and then that's it. You see, like, it's really amazingly bad shot of like it's it's a snowy city street and you see all these ladies jumping all over him and then there's this because they're like oh you can't wait to meet Harriet our real sexy roommate right and like it's this woman with a cowboy hat walking in like

confidently like it's like sin city or something dude yeah i was thinking it's like and this is you know it's the start of like some sort of horror movie where this dude has the the tables turned on it. And it's like, oh, wait till Harriet gets her. She's the hottest of all of us. And you just see this girl like from behind and it's the cowboy hat. And she's looking up at the window. And I'm like, and this is the killer.

And she's going to come in and butcher this dude. We keep suggesting they add conflict to any of these stories. And there's literally none. It's just every single story is you shoot an arrow. And there it is. It's a feel good for psychotics. Hey, feel good. You act like a complete maniac and still wanted to act good for you.

Fine. I got to tell you, here's where some conflict could be. When he goes into this bar, he's like, give me a beer. And the dude's like, what do you want? He's like, I don't know, an American beer. How about a Bud Light? Bud Light in America. Dude, you're ordering a Bud Light and fucking Milwaukee?

Oh, it's trouble. The bartender should shoot you in the head. It'd be pretty bad. But his epilogue as he comes back with the hottest babe in the world. But 2003, Shannon and Elizabeth. Oh, not just that. I got another one, too. because I got them all.

By now, bough, bough, bough, bough, bough, bough, bough, bough. Oh, yes, I fucked all of them as well. They were all rubbish as well. Oh, my God. And she kisses Tony. She's like, you're Tony. He told me you were gorgeous, like makes out of them immediately. And it's like wild shit.

That's American women, though. You know, that's what they do. I mean, that's why I think that you don't even need, like I said, I think that joke is fine. You don't need the epilom. I don't think it's a lot. I think the joke is fucking hack. I'm sure it is.

But that's it. That's it. Thank God for that. That's the end of that useless fake porno plot. So who do we got left here? We got the Hugh Grant or we got the Rickman one. Morrillini. Let's do that.

We have four. Who else could possibly be there? I am leaving the show. We still have. Andrew Lincoln and Knightley. All right. Guys, come on. Let's get through this.

Laura Linney. It's way. quick. She works at Alan Rickman's office. Also, a real workaholic kind of thing. Uh-oh. She clearly has a crush on Rodrigo Santoro. Also from the television show lost. He wasn't lost. He was on the show

lost. Right. So they found him. Lost and they found him and then they went to Westworld. So she's, she's, she's, Laura Lennie's like the finders keepers. Look at this guy. She, it would be great if he was like exactly like Xerxes in 300 and he's like eight feet tall. Hello, Laura Liddy. He's super piercing.

follow. Do you have the file I need for the bankings account? I am Carl and I am here to Carl would like to maybe dance. It's this weird Alan Rickman pulls her into the office in her first scene. It's like, so everybody knows you just love this Carl in the office. Oh, the joke is like, how long have you been here? And she's like three days, three years, two months, blah, blah. And how long have you've been in love with Carl. Why haven't you fucked anyone in the office lately? Dude, like, I'm encouraging this. As this boss,

like, get out of this woman's business, dude. You need to get wet. You need to get plowed before Christmas. No, I mean, we'll get to Rickman, but he is piloting his plane into the mountain. Very purposefully, I would say. Absolutely. So everybody knows, including Carl,

that she digs on him is the idea. is. And would you like to get lunch today? And like basically the thing that keeps happening to her. She gets phone calls and that's the entire fucking movie plot of her. Basically. One part is really nasty. She comes out of Alan Rickman's office.

Mia is the crazy devil psycho lady. Right. She's listening to Billy Mac's on the radio and Lorelli gets a phone call next to this woman's desk and has the call to be like, could you turn that down please? I'm like, get the fuck out of my workstation. That's the brilliant part about cellular telephones, Laura Lina, you can take them motherfuckers anywhere,

including away from this woman's desk. Did we clock what week before Christmas this was because maybe she should turn it the fuck there? I think it's four. I think we're in four. Four and a half. Turn it down. That's the thing.

You don't have to turn it off because four weeks we're in December, but you do have to turn it down. I hate Christmas music this early. Wow, Carl, we have a lot in common. God, do you play basketball or what? No, I'm just nine feet tall because I'm other. I love your eye makeup. Because I'm other.

That's 300, baby. It is. The bad guys are other. And, like, she keeps getting these phone calls and, like, it just keeps happening. That's kind of her thing. And here comes this Christmas party, which we'll talk about a lot more on the Alan Rickman end. It's like a sexy Christmas party.

And her and Carl start to hit it all. You know what I mean? It's starting to happen. Not too shabby here. And, you know, Rodrigo, man, really handsome shelly here. These tiny glass these tiny 2003 glass is gone. You could tell it he can graphic design with the best of them or whatever.

Dude, but you look at this guy though and it's like, you are too hunktacular for this, whatever your nerd job is. He is a specimen and this hair is looking quite amazing at this point. But I mean, like this, you know what? This should tell all you bossmen out there I know there's we got a lot of employers listening out there

if you peer pressure your employees into fucking each other it will work. You will not get sued. You will not be embarrassed. No, it's the right thing to do. I want you to fuck Carl and I want you to bring his underwear back here, please. I will

require to smell it. Staines preferred. Your task tonight is a panty raise. Oh no, he asks you to take my underwear, didn't he? Well, it's the size of a parachute. You could tell him we made out, too, if that would make everyone feel better.

You may have my underwear, unless you're a Spartan. Xerxes doesn't just make out. But so, like, she, he offers to give her a ride home. Oh, yeah. And the ride home turns into, hey, you want to come upstairs? And

everyone's like, hey, baby Lauren Lennie, isn't the saddest woman anyone's ever seen. Absolutely. The one thing I like in this whole movie. Okay. Laura Lindy's little dance. Oh, yeah. That's a good moment. The only thing I like. Literally the only moment. She takes a paw, like, she goes around the corner and

dances while she brings a little silent jubilation. Can I just have a moment? Just one second. Yeah. But then she's also an eight foot dick right now. I guess what she does? She throws an eight foot dick to the curb. What a what, what do we do? What? What? What, she was scared she felt it and she's like oh no she's like give me 10 seconds she goes upstairs and like cleans off

the garbage and filth off her bed all the pictures of her brother that were on the bed or or or of rodrigo said like did i leave that there the fuck yeah oh my wishboard is out isn't it oh god fuck i did i put a scotch tape on my dildo and wrote his name on it caro on the dildo son of a bitch Scotch tape on my dildo. Look, it's a challenge is what it is. But they come up and they start to make out. It's pretty cool. And wouldn't you know what she gets a phone call?

And up to this point, you have no idea what the phone calls on. She gets topless. We go all the way here. It's crazy. I would love to know. I'm not a Mr. Skinna Fixionato. Is this the only time she gets naked?

Oh, well, there was the massive sex scene in Congo, of course. And obviously John Adams. Yeah, loud. Trimal fear, counselor, take your top all. Maybe and you can count on me. Maybe. I don't think so. But I would just think it's insane that this would be the only time she gets naked.

It's like, it's surprising how much nudity there is in this, not that that's a problem. But then, you know, this poor Carl fella. Yeah, he's getting his tallywacker all hard. Hey, I thought American girls were easy. What the fuck? What the fuck? I can't believe Xerxes surfboard length dick was out and you picked up the phone. My friend Colin got like five girls and all he did was look like a goof.

So she answers, she answers this work call, which is like, what is their work exactly? No, it's the brother. It's always the brother. Right. She gets a call and she gets a call and she's like, hello, my darling. She always calls him my darling, which is kind of weird. Very creepy. But you know why that is, though?

It's because, to Eric's point, it wants to make you. you yeah confused until they have this conversation because like she's picked up the cell phone like outside with the music outside the office and so like this whole time you've been like who could she possibly be talking to and that sets up like because she's right there the fucking tits are out he's in nothing but a banana hammock your brother's safe in this facility there's he could padded walls and keys fucking forget about it but yeah i mean that's what they're doing is like oh hi darling And it's like, this dude is here naked on your bed, what's going on?

And then right here, it's like, oh, it's just a brother. And she's like, yeah, he was fine, but now he's not. And we had to put him in a place. It's kind of like the dad from the holdovers. But it's also weird because he has these mental problems. He's at a facility. She's like, and plus, you know, our parents are dead. And we're, she says specifically, and we're over here.

And I'm like, yeah, why? Like, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, they just wanted Laurelini for this part or whatever was the point. right but like it's just strange and she's american and like to eric's point like this dude we they're supposed to be easy yeah we find out later like this dude again like he's hitting at her he's trying to swipe it or grab it and stuff like this it's violent and bizarre he's a violent dude that uh has some sort of obsessive stuff going on maybe he shouldn't have a cell phone maybe he has a cell phone certain hours of the day maybe not all the time in the day you know what

I mean, at this facility, maybe it's cell phone's a special privilege. On a Saturday, he gets a cell phone. He can't just be calling people all hours in the day about, she said something like, well, I don't know if we could talk to the Pope tonight. What's all? And she has to like always engage the delusion.

Well, you absolutely have to with those people when you're talking. You cannot fight that shit. Do you know what you can do? Hang up. Abandoned them. That's Eric. I know, listen, like, I have a brother. I seem like twice a year. That's fine. Is he in a home? if he was

I'd see him even less Oh well okay That's fair That's fair Oh let me go see my violent brother I'll say this though Steve you keep saying that he's hitting her He specifically does not

Because it's kind of One of the cooler parts in the movie He goes to really Fucking hammer punch this woman And she without looking at his hand Catches the arm Like Neo fighting agent Smith And it's just like

Don't do that. Well, yeah, just do that. My darling, my darling, don't do that. Thing of all the black guys that happen. Exactly. No, exactly. There's, she, this is not the first time the hammer punch has been tried on her, yes. Because basically, so basically, so, basically, so, basically, she hangs, he's like, yeah, my brother's in a facility.

And I take care of him and I just kind of always answer his phone calls, like, we could try again. And she's like, oh, sexy time. And then she gets another fucking fun. The first phone call was enough. Where is a Nurse Ratchet-esque individual to take this dude's fucking calling card away? That's, you know what I'm doing? Oh, hold on one second, Xerxes. Okay.

Does she fix up the phone? What the fuck am I paying for over there? Put that guy away for the night. Well, it's England. Mommy's got some dick coming, okay? It's probably free somehow. So is that the end of her story? It's just that?

That's our Christmas. She's so sad. It's so cripplingly sad. It's brutal. It's like a half-finished lifetime Christmas movie. She goes to the home or the institution or whatever and has Christmas with the guy. And again, much like Silent Night Deadly Nights, Utah Mental Facility. This place is populated with the two of them and then two guards and that's it.

Those are the only people you see in this whole facility, just like that place is cleared out of any extras whatsoever because you weren't paying people for that in that movie. But this is like you need something. fill out this hospital space. But anyway, she's having Christmas and they exchange some little gifts or whatever and she's like, gives them a hug. That is the last you see this woman, right? No, but there's one, I don't know if it's before.

You're right, that is the last you see of her, but there's one more Rodrigo Santoro scene where basically like, she's working late into the night. Yep. And he kind of, just to let you know that there is fucking water on all, any cinders that might have had. The smoke is up, the gray smoke is up. She's just like working late at night and he's like,

he leaves and he's like, well, good night. She's like, good night, Carl. And it's just like, I guess I'll just violently masturbate to you later. Oh, yeah. I'm Laurelini. I got naked for this movie. Goodbye.

I'm going to cover the scotch tape up with duct tape this time. And we're going to have a real ride tonight, me, and you. Now we have 10 more plot lines to get you. All right. Let's do Kira Knightley, Chewetel, as you for. Yes. Okay. And this, Steve, now this is the one that opens with a, uh, actually a transphobia joke.

It does. Yeah, we got that going because it's like crazily bad. It's just Andrew Lincoln and Chautilatia 4 at the, at the altar in the worst 2003 suits I've ever seen. Pretty terrible. I thought I was watching Blade Runner 2049. We love those shimmer shirts with the matching shimmer tie with his stuff. I hated that. Yeah, yeah. So the whole joke here is like, yeah, big bachelor party.

Oh, yeah, those Brazilian strippers. Right. Oh, it's too bad. They turned out to be men, though, or whatever. And it's like, let's never speak of it again. Well, it's, it's, they, be, they say prostitutes, which is a darker. It's like, it's, they were, they were fucking them together. And then like, now, like, to be like, but also, aren't we just fun guys now?

Like, hey, we're going to go ahead and get married. By the way, because, uh, we're in the UK, dude, it's not the bachelor party. It is indeed the stag. Of course. Oh, we don't even stagged much here. Yeah, they used, they started off. we had the bachelor party, they had a stag where they would all fuck a deer

in the king's deer from the king's forest. Boar on the floor. Now fuck that deer bore on the floor. That's awesome. And with that day we make a stag row that you can eat with venison. Oh yes. They had a stag roll. So

Peter and Juliet, Chimotel is Peter and Karen Knightley is Juliet I believe. And I forget what Edward Lincoln is. I really had no idea that she was a child bride and you know it's like that early kira nightly thing where she just looks like she has to take a shit the whole time where it's like this weird awkward smile that like it's very toothy and very awkward she's bad in this she's terrible in this she's awful yes i mean they don't give her anything to do she's short as an actress she was in that

boston strangler movie last year that was not was good but she was what is that she was good in it i thought she was in a dude i thought it was atonement and then they threw her into the power of england or something No. Not quite. No, it was basically like a Hulu. It was like a made for TV Zodiac basically. Oh, right. Yeah, I remember flipping past that.

She's like a journalist in the Boston Strangler movie. It's okay. She's, I think she's pretty good and dangerous method too. I think she's really good after that. Like, yes. I thought her pride and prejudice, she's really good in that. Oh, right. That was like 05, I think.

Yeah. Is she good at King Arthur? Is that good? Oh, boy. I've never seen King. Pleasure movie? No, no. It's Clyboan. Clive Owen, yes. Oh, I'm thinking of Night's Tale, sorry.

It's like King Arthur without any magic, basically. It's like, what if it really happened? Which I, oh, fuck, in my soul, I want to say I've seen that movie, but I can't. Fouqua joint. Yes, okay, yes. No, I have seen that movie. And he fukwotted up, they've always foocted right up.

But she comes in, all toothy and small, like, hello, everyone. And everyone's like, she's so beautiful. And, They get married, and the joke here is Andrew Lincoln is so up his friend's ass. I mean, he's being a best man and then there's whatever he's doing. Well, because the whole thing is when they're talking about the stag situation

and what was going on with the strippers or whatever, he, Chiaotel's like, no surprises like my stag. You better not have any of your famous surprises at my wedding. And so they're walking, you know, they turn to, you know, here's the couple. And as they're walking down the aisle, uh-oh, like, someone starts playing something and then another person starts playing an instrument and then a dude who had to look this up

this is some UK R&B singer who's a real person I'm sure so I think he might be like playing himself kind of here oh it's yeah I love him we are just singing all you need is love and every time it goes another section

chorus comes up so there's like you know the fucking brass section flutes going on there's people when these things go up there's people oh my god we didn't plan this for seven months what I absolutely love about how this is set up

there's a shit ton of people that are playing music here in this church they're filling these pews out I'm confident they outnumber the non-musicians and I'm like Kira Knightley Chuitel you're walking down the aisle

Chewetel you're in this church how are you not noticing oh this church is almost completely filled with total strangers. There's five people sitting there with saxophone. Hey, hon, wow, real great turnout for a wedding. Why did that total

stranger bring a trombone? What happened to Granny? Granny was supposed to... No, that's the shoes at the base section. It just didn't work out. She couldn't keep time. We fired her from the wedding. There's no room. We need the clarinet player to do the solo. What's more important? The clarinetist or your mother?

Come on. Andrew Lincoln want to get a three-way going or he just wants to steal his best friend's girl? No, he wants to be dangerously obsessed with her from afar. Okay. Okay. Very healthy. Here's the thing is like you can untair-well,

not un-terrify it, but you can build a little bit of foundation here. And what the movie instead does is make you make that shit up yourself. Because it's like, clearly they're all probably like college friends. They're supposed to be college friends and it's like, oh, Andrew Lincoln had a crush on her.

the whole time, but Chewetel started dating her or whatever, and he's just let that fucking ferment in his brain. But how long were they dating? Because she's 18, like, well, that's, I mean, she's like, oh, I've been pining after this girl since she was 15. No, in this movie, in this, in this movie, she's not supposed to be her actual age. She's what, like 38? She's supposed to be in her 20s, just like Chitel and Andrew Lincoln are.

But the thing is, like, you know, your girl, your buddy starts dating a girl, like, maybe you have a crush on her. once they start really dating and you just let it go you just end of it you hope they break up and then if they're getting married or whatever you can't be fucking filming

this girl at the reception that's the part just film both of them you maniac you fucking maniac we all know what this tape was for this was for him to shirk off tape there's no other way it's a jerk off tape

there's no other reason to have this tape so what the reception is the reception and Laura Linney knows Andrew Lincoln. There's a joke like, are you gay? She thinks he's in love with Peter. Right. And he's not because anybody won't say who he's actually in love with.

And there's this thing. Curin Knightley's not the best. So she, Curit Nightly's character's like, oh, you know, oh, and whatever, Andrew, you know, I hate all of the, all the video came back from the wedding and it's all terrible. It's like, it got like the footage got scrambled or something.

It's all tinted blue. She's like, I just, something that's good. I know you were taking film. It's like, ah, oh, oh, oh. And she's like, well, and like the idea is he's really short and nasty to her all the time. Right. For no, because he's, so

that's the only way to suppress the boner. He studied the game. Keep her at a distance, constantly nagging. Yep. Andrew Lincoln is Mark. By the way. Is it Mark? Oh, I know you filmed some stuff. And she's like, I'll come over your house and we'll look at it together. He's like, well, I don't, I don't,

I think I erased the tape. I must have erased that tape. I had to have erased that tape. Those tapes, they were lost in the fire that my apartment had. Yes, this is my apartment, but it's the other apartment I was at. Or is it this one, the one that says Juliet Gooning tape? And they put it in. Juliet Guna Rama.

The next day she shows. Gunapalooza O2. She shows up with the world's worst hat. I mean, it is like, it's a hat. It's a hat. Blossom wore 15 years before this episode It's a hat someone uses

To tuck their dreadlocks in You know what I mean? Like that's the size of it On this tiny woman's pinhead She had to tuck all the Zid In there man So she shows up and she's like I brought you cake

And he's like I fucking hate cake Oh my God It's so awful cake And she's like I just And she's like oh I wanted to see the tape And he's like I told you I erase a fucking tape

All right You're so stupid The tape's gone And she's like, what about that that says Peter and Juliet's wedding? Could this be the tape? And you need to do what my buddy did when his mom caught the porno. There was a wrestling tape. She was like, oh, sorry, I'll set it up.

A buddy of mine had a pornographic video that he labeled WrestleMania 15, whatever the fuck it was. And his mother was like, oh, cool, WrestleMania 15. Maybe we could watch this later. And he's like, yeah, totally. She leaves the room He drops on the floor And smashes it with his floor That's what the

Andrew Lincoln has to go Oh yeah that Peter Julius's wedding Let me see Let me just put it in the old visa Oh no I dropped it Now I'm stepping on it Oh my God

I'm sorry And I'm lighting fire To my apartment Oh this is the wedding Of my good friend Peter Coyote And his new wedding His new wife

Juliet There is no way You can let her watch Gunapalooza There is just no You have to stop it because if she watches it, you then have to kill her and yourself. Yes. There's no way around. And the fact that he doesn't after this is the movie's failure,

I would say. So she puts it in. Hang on a second. Because I just, I have to just really quickly to comment on that story about the WrestleMania tape, as I've heard the story several times. Sure. I think the mom knew what was on the tape. Oh, sure. Right? Because why else would this mother suggests to watch a VHS dupe of a wrestling game review. Fair point. I'm with you on that. Oh, you know what? I appreciate the head games.

We haven't seen your grandparents for so long. Why don't we have them over to watch WrestleMania with us? Oh, no, I actually dropped it and I stepped on it right in front of you. Oops. Over Thanksgiving, my mom was like, hey, you know, maybe on Black Friday or the family's all still around. I found all of these VHS tapes that were in your

grandfather's house when he died and like we're clearing them out or whatever and I was like okay she's like yeah they weren't labeled or nothing and I'm like oh that's dangerous did you watch these in advance and she was like oh yeah I checked him out I was like oh thank God you can't just be putting on unlabeled

VHS tapes oh yeah because your heel would be destroyed after trying to stomp on all those is grandpa going to kill that girl what's a machine doing in grandpa's apartment. Grandpa's machine. She puts it on and she's like,

oh, you did have the tape. It's so great. I look beautiful. I'm Kieran Knightley, not a thought of the... Well, that's odd. It's still me. Oh, that's still me. Me going to the bathroom, okay?

Is it all in close up? All of it, eh? This dude, and I'll tell you... Oh, wow, you have a couple of different shots of me changing shoes. Okay. This is what's brutal about it. This dude has already edited

this footage. It's crazy. It's for beating off. Dude, and to have the audacity, the serial killer-esque audacity, to put this on your mantle? No, even though you live alone, this goes under the bed. Shoebox or something.

Hide that fucking shit. He's a collector. He wants to get caught. Have some shame. It's crazy. So then what happens in this plot? Nothing. Nothing. Well, so she's like, oh. And look, she's actually, so not creeped out by this she's she realizes she's into it well she's like

oh you have a crush on me I can't believe you've always liked no it's so creepy what he did at you at your wedding yes and then he does that sad weird walk yes because she like is like I didn't I never knew about your crush on me and he's like yeah well uh oh I gotta go

you can let yourself just lock the door behind you. I love him walking out dude because he has a fucking he did this on the walking dead a couple times too. It's a classic Andrew Lincoln like physical freak out. And he like punches his arms out of he scares the shit out of this old

extra walking out. He does the dip when he goes like and it lowers it like oh! Because he's by the way, Q Dido by the way. Oh baby. We're wearing this dido and again it's not even a famous dino song. And it's

I am what I am, and I'll do what I want. And he's just like, and I'll stock this young girl. Yeah, he's, I mean, I don't know. He kind of like, yeah, he doesn't freak out. And then he kind of like resigns himself. Dude, the last thing I ever want in my fucking life is Eric calling me like, hey man. So, yeah, my wife just came back home. What's going on with this tape?

Like, I am hanging from the fucking closet already. I'm already dead. The phone is ringing, but I'm already dead. You're totally right, dude. But here's the thing. I'm pretty sure she straight up does not tell you until. Oh, there's no way. No, no way.

You think you can't take that chance. Just kill yourself. Good rule of thumb. Just end it all, dude. But this is the craziest part is when he gets these Q cards from S&L out. Dude, like he's Bob Dylan. And he knocks on her door. door on Christmas Eve. What a fucking aggressive beard move. He's not going to answer the door. Thank you. Dude, you are rolling the dice. It's like if Chuitel answers that door and you're there with huge Q. That's the, I'm going back and hanging myself. Yeah. This is the Russian roulette right here. It's just like, it's a, it's, uh, to me, um, perfect. What does that mean? Why am I perfect to you? Uh, I got to go. I am what I am. You know what? I say roll with it. And like, he's going to let you down. He's going to let you down.

easy. You know, if you tell him that you love him like that, that's the move. You know what? You roll with it it. It's like the rest of your life even though you're straight. You live the rest of your life as a gay man. Just for the social embarrassment of it. Well, I guess I have to

marry him and just get a better get used to fucking. It's an intense situation. I wouldn't always say do this, but this one specifically. Instead, she just gives him the little pathetic kiss. That makes things all the worst. This is a big parody. over-parodied thing.

And like, you know, it's, it's so creepy because she answers a phone, the answers the door, and it's this lunatic on Christmas. Yeah, and it's just like... Boombox, by the way. Boombox going, and it says, tell her, tell him it's carol singers. Like, are you robbing me? Hey, why is someone playing a tape

of carolers down there? It is pretty funny. Like, Chuitel does not... Like, he's like, hey, babe, who's at the door? Oh, it's just carol. And he's like, give him some money and tell him the fuck off. Like, this dude doesn't even get up from the couch. Is this a preview of married life with this guy, uh, uh, Kira Knightley? I don't know.

Well, that's Andrew Lincoln is the one who knows, like, he's the one who says, say yes, carolers. Because he must have, like, EGIF or must fucking hate carolars. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm going to say carolers. He will not get up from the couch for this. Babe, kick them out. Get them far away from my fucking house. Are there, other clowns?

There are clowns. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's clowns singing Christmas carols. Go inside. And they love you. And, you know, so like, yeah, it's to be your, you know, one day, it's like next year I'm going to be over you. I'm going to date people. I swear to God. But to right now, I want to let you know, even though to me, you're perfect. It's so awful. And the fact that she kisses him. You're just letting it keep going, buddy. Okay, yeah, you really fucked up. No, but then he says very pointedly, enough of that. That's enough now. Enough of that. Time to cut your penis off.

That'll do, pig. Now I'll just keep stalking the other girl at Safeway. I guess it's time to move on. Oh, I hope Janice is having a Merry Christmas at the Safeway. He takes another stack of cute cards. He's like, Christmas is it over yet? See, that's why I didn't put Kira Knightley's name on the card. do you see multiple use card game

and they're and they're totally cool that they run in they just run into Colin Firth at the airport and it's a weird he should have a girlfriend that would like at least sort of alleviate some of the creepiness or add any conflict to this any more conflict you would tell punches him out again that's in the movie like the feature length

version of that storyline but we've got two more movies to get through I think the two biggest one. I think this is going to be a fucking five-hour podcast. Do we do Hugh Grant or Alan Rickman? I think we should do Rickman and then and on Grant. Yeah. Yeah. So Alan

Rickman, right? He's the boss at this graphic design firm of some kind. He's got and like this is a very attractive lady for sure. She's really sexy. Whatever, the assistant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to like it feel like

it's as if somebody came up to me. He's like, hey man, you want to buy some drugs? I'd be like, well, right. It seems like something's off. She is hearing him trying to get everyone in the office laid like, oh, don't you want to fuck Carl? So clearly now Mia is basically shoving her vagina. Oh, so you're into it, huh? Yeah, exactly.

So we're just going to turn this whole place into a big fuck mansion. He even says to her, is like, oh, I need you to plan the Christmas party. And yes, and she's like, oh, so couldn't people bring wives? Spous. Yes. Oh, please. tell me you're not going to bring some big boyfriend in a white t-shirt

that would ruin my boner. He also doesn't want that bono ruined by the presence of children at this company party. He's like, oh, no children, especially that Harry Potter. No, I want loins to be feeling frisky that day

and kids do not help that. And so she's like setting up this party. We meet his wife. We know for Emma Thomas, the great Emma Thomas. And she's very... Thompson. Fuck that up.

And she's great. And basically she's just like loving wife, super mom running around for the kids. And he's a bitch to her. She's just listening to Joni Mitchell. Totally cool. She probably's about to smoke a Jay.

And he's like, what is this shit? And she's like, I don't know, my favorite artist. But Billy Mac has a new Christmas song. Has Johnny? written any songs about the sausage roll do you have any dydo in your collection

I should love to blast some di-do how about the pointer sisters any of that that's you Grant's tune but so like that and she's like oh I didn't know you still

you still listen to Joe named Mitchell like I don't know I'm fucking 45 of course I'm going to listen to music that I always listen to Also, this is what you're getting off on fucking making fun of Joni Mitchell. I mean, she could be listening to Blue right now. But so that's sort of that. We cut back. And now the secretary is getting more and more sexually.

This woman is like the joker of adulteresses. You know what I mean? Like she's just chaos. She wants to watch Alan Rickman's marriage burn. Thank you. I have to. You said this. She's the riddler, though, because it's the wordplay.

that's getting him into this It's all these little hints like Why don't you buy me a present That you don't buy The craziest one is when She's like oh yeah I found a place for the office Christmas party It's my friend's art gallery

She fucking spreads her legs In this office chair and goes It's an art gallery You know full of dark corners To do dark deeds Please finger me at the Christmas party boss that's another song that's the song

that's the song that blue has terrible and he's such an idiot for running right into this fucking turbine he really is

because again at the party which I think is before the present the party is before the present I believe yes

the party happens you're it's if it was employees only and you want to get Mr. Flirty that's one thing

your wife is there and he is just like and by the way this woman who is a lunatic she is wearing devil horns to a Christmas

party. Dude, this lady is fucking trouble. Twisted. You think this woman's going to be discreet, Alan Rickman? What about where does discretion come from the devil horn? Dude, the second, they have the shot of this woman with the devil horns. You need a fucking close-up, Dutch-angled shot of

Alan Rickman and the fucking kill kill-bill alarm goes on. Because this is danger, dude. This woman is going to show up to your son's birthday party naked with a present for him. It's like, well, I want this new mother to have a present for the baby. Well, yes, but

let's be serious here. The pushy's probably amazing. I mean, the devil horns. I mean, what do you think here, guys? But devil horns are no, dude. I know this is like a horny party because we're at the sexy art gallery, Andrew Lincoln's

art gallery where there's butt photos everywhere. Yeah. But like, dude, you are sexually slow dancing with this woman and your wife is seven feet away. And you're the boss. Everyone's looking at you. Like, oh, my God. I got to tell you, I think you're looking at this all the wrong

way. The man is clearly trying to leave his life behind. So he is crashing his plane into the mountain. As I said, he's trying, like, he's going to get rid of this job real quick. He's getting rid of the family and the wife real quick. Getting rid of all your finances because you're definitely being sued by somebody. Money house, fucking whatever you use, your conveyance.

So what you're saying, Chris, is him dancing. at this party is the equivalent of going to flight school in Florida, basically. You're getting ready for the end here. You know, Mia, you could grind up against it a little bit. She hasn't paid attention enough. She's talking to Laura Linney right now. But it's crazy how Emma Thompson, and Emma Thompson's character, again, like this woman walks on water because she comes back and she's like, oh, Mia's pretty, which is like,

fuck, fuck, oh, fuck. And he's just like, uh, is she now? I haven't noticed Harry Potter. There's a crazy, there's a crazy thing that happens right here though.

When they're having that combo and he's like, she's like, oh yeah, oh, Mia's very attractive, isn't she? And he's like, oh,

I never noticed Potter. It cuts to this woman at her apartment, just taking off her clothes and being in her underwear. Like literally they cut away to go to this and she takes off her fucking stuff

and it's just her bra and panties. This cutaway of her and her apartment which is lit purple somehow it's crazier than fucking catwoman in the hell here, sign in fucking Batman Returns. It is that nuts. And she's like, yeah,

I want a pretty Christmas present. But she's like, oh, Emma Thompson's like, be careful with that one. Which is sort of like, I guess like, oh, my poor, my poor daughtering husband, dude. Like, he's so dumb. He don't know that pussy's getting thrown right in his face like that. What my cute husband?

Also code Whatever you already did is fine But no more Don't you fucking dare This is your warning shot dude You've got to stop it Come on kid acreas Let's watch them wings

And she You know yeah This is when she's like I would like a very pretty present He meets I don't mean like I don't know Dude you're a grown ass man It's Christmas

You're going shopping with your wife Buy your mistress a present Tomorrow yep How about that Or the day after Oh, but you might not blow it up possibly. You gotta keep thinking of where's the danger at? That's what he's looking for.

All right. You have to go with all your bad instincts. The worst instincts is what you act on. I wouldn't want my wife to see any of this. And I do find the Rowan Atkinson bit funny. I'm a sucker for Rowan Atkinson. Even the movie Rat Race, I'm slapping my knee with Rowan Atkinson. So I like the whole, you know, he's touching the.

fucking, it's a funny little gag. It just, again, though, it just feels, again, this is just another part from another movie. Like, there's not silly physical comedy like this elsewhere in the film. Yeah. So it just like kind of sticks out and everybody, yeah, it's like, oh, please hurry

up, please packages. I stupidly am buying my goo bar a present while my wife is in the next section shopping. By way, yeah, give me that. Okay, should I bring this to the office that my wife is not at? or home where my wife is.

Yeah, let's put it in my coat pocket. Just give this a thought for a minute. I sure do want to destroy my marriage. What's crazy about that, though? You just made me think of this, though. Because he specifically doesn't get it for Mr. Bean. Emma Thompson comes out and is like, oh, oh, the jewelry section. Oh, what I'm a lucky wife I am.

He's like, yeah, let's go. And then it's like they come back. There's another scene. They come back from wherever. And he comes home from work. That's what it is. and she takes his coat and puts it on the rack and she finds a

the gift in the pocket so it's like the dude went to the store without her later and still fucked it up it's incredible too and like when your wife is like ooh jewelry section look at this then you now know

you have to buy your wife something from the jewelry section as well also not just I mean I'm sorry so basically the whole thing the crux is It's Christmas night He's allowed to open We're all allowed to open a present

We're about to go to the pageant And she's like I want to open my cool present Which she assumes is this thing Right It's and it's a Joni Mitchell CD And he even says like I'm sorry I was such a grumpy bugger

Here's I bought you something extra From my normal scarf I buy my wife a scarf For Christmas every year And now it's a scarf and a CD You're not breaking seven money bucks for your own fucking wife. No, just fucking get the

fucking tickets to the Joni Mitchell reunion tour and be done with it. Well, guys, he's paying for all these lobster costumes. Yeah, sure. Is that them? I'm not made of lobster costumes. We've been bled dry by the crustaceans. Yeah, that's a weird thing where she's got to make

lobster costumes because the son is playing a lobster in the nativity page. Sure. Great. But she, this is when she opens a CD and is Emma Thompson, so she's going to bring it. She's devowed. By the way, apparently she did draw upon her experiences of being totally fucked over

by noted lunatic Hellen to Bottom Carter. Really? Yes. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, maybe. Right, right, right. She betrayed a bunch. Yeah, she's... When they were making that fucking Frankenstein movie. K.B. was throwing that dick everywhere.

Do you think, like, Emma Thompson went up to Richard Curtis, like, make it a Jody Mitchell City. I want that son of a bitch to know I know. Oh, shit. You know what I mean? Because, oh, Branagh fucked it up similarly. Yes, he's just like, oh, here you go, baby.

He's a fan of court and spark. Not the blue or on both sides. But she's like crying in the bedroom. It's brutal. And again, it's so brutal. It's as if it doesn't belong in this movie. No. I mean, this could have been the movie. Or the Hugh Grant thing could have been the movie. Yeah. Tune in next week for the Hugh Grant thing.

It's our 15 pieces stolen. Holy shit. They go to the fucking thing. And it's so sad too because her other part of this movie is she is you, Grand Sister. When she's not advising Liam Neeson about his dead wife situation, by the way. And also to Eric's point, like either it's all about the pageant or maybe it's all about Emma Thompson.

Maybe she is the connector. You just kind of like mostly connecting. That doesn't make any sense. But so she sees you granted this thing And she's like been fucking destroyed by her husband She's like oh my family She's like oh my god She's so moved that her brother

Came to see her children's play And he's only there for fucking pussy It's amazing He's the prime minister And also if my brother-in-law was the prime minister I'd watch out about stepping out of turn You're being watched Oh absolutely dude

There's men on you at all time At least the daily male Oh brother-in-law Tallywacket They're publishing transcripts from your voicemails and you're just the fucking brother-in-law or whatever.

That's a great point, dude. Those people are fucking monsters with that shit over there. And you know, yeah, dude, once your family member

enters public office, your gooning days are over, my friend. Hang up your goon. And that's also Hugh Grant's problem in this. He can't goon at all

because when he's trying to cut loose around that house, some old woman's like, no. Now I'll be any gooning in here, prime minute, Mr. It's not called the Prime Guna, is it?

So the last scene is Emma Thompson fucking really nailing him being like, what would you do if you're in my position? And he's like, what do you mean being a dumb woman? And she's like, no, if you found that your husband was cheating on you, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, I'm a perfect fool, Laurenti. Does this mean he got some with that lady? You don't know. You don't know.

But I think you should. You absolutely should. You're 100% sure. I think he pumped it in. I think he did. I'm in the pump club. Yeah. I'm all pumps.

I pumped it. Oh, puppy. I call my new girlfriend puppy. And yes, of course, you all have met my gumma puppy. No, yes. I left my whole family for puppy. Yes. I hate that. It's ambiguous.

I do too. I don't think it. It doesn't add anything, especially that this movie's pretty sexually explicit. Yes, you had plenty of nudity. You didn't have to give me a full on sex scene, but show me what actually happened between these two. Instead, you just see her with the necklace at some point. Yes. Yeah. And basic. Yeah, I guess seeing her with the necklace, I guess, is the classy way of letting you know he pumped it. I wonder. It's also the way to be a fucking coward in your story. I wonder if the thing is, it's like, they're like, he'd be too unlikable if you actually saw him do the thing. But he's already Alan Rickman and likable enough. Right.

Like add this, it just wouldn't work. But basically it's like, oh, I'm so sorry. And she's like, I don't know if I could forgive you. And then basically the last scene, their epilogue is he's coming back from God knows where. And he's already forgiven. Isn't that nice? Well, no, dude, it is fucking fries is an ice cold reception. Hey, I, if you're, you're still forgiven.

You're not out on that. You're not freezing outside. How about that? I don't know. I, dude, in, and in the bedroom. Mr. Middle East, dude, that is Alan Rickman Frozen Empire. Absolutely. Possibly. Possibly.

Oh, no. Now I'm listening to Joni. I'm gooning to Joni Mitchell again. Yes, tell me again how they put up a parking lot or whatever the fuck you do. Oh, so you want me to sit here and the man's going to come in with you on this? Okay, fine. Oh, no. I guess this is payback, Potter.

Fine. I guess you'll fuck Carl. That's right. I'm going to fuck your one. wife, fucking finally. I'm Xerxes. I got seven dicks in this movie. Wait, hold on. She doesn't have a mentally ill brother, does she? No, just a mentally ill husband. What the fool I've been. Phones off.

So here comes sexy Tony Blair. Here we are. Yes. Because I guess was, only people who were 50 and British, we'd let me know. Was Tony Blair supposed to be sexy? I think so. Was he used like the sexy new, like, 100%

I bet everyone was gooning to Tony Gooney Blair Oh, Gooney Blair, dude. But so he It's, you know, he's been inaugurated Or whatever the fuck you call it over there And like he's meeting his staff And he's you grant, right?

So he's going to presently fussing. Oh, ha, hoo ha. And he, he wants, the funny thing is they won't The politics of this movie are so chicken shit. Yes. Because they don't say he late. He's like, he says, well, I, um, I came in from my party and our party.

He won't say labor, which is bullshit. Like, he doesn't say anything. Well, I mean, if he's player, he'd be labor, but yeah. But, like, he doesn't even talk about the fucking job. Exactly. He's just like, oh, ha, him, ha, ooh ha. But that's like, that is par for the course for this movie. Exactly.

Like, you don't have time for them deeds, dude, because you got to have Hugh Grant sillily saying things like, oh, yeah, so one of my new assistants here is Terrence. I had an uncle named Terrence. I hated him. I think he was a pervert. It's that like, it is that The Davis dialogue

And Hugh Grant's slinging that shit Like the old days Oh, but wouldn't be funny if Tony Bland Dance to the Pointer Sisters Remember 40? And then this here comes Kate Who is Kate? Natalie.

Natalie, sorry, is it Natalie, yes. Natalie who is She's not even a full figure. I mean, she is literally. She has cheeks. Yes. Cheeks exist on her face, therefore she's chubby. Oh, cheeky.

This is Martin McCutcheon who we're Americans so we don't pay attention to this show but she was on that program the East Enders for many years Very popular program over there That's like Saturday Night Live Over there

I think sure Let's go with that Well that's like she's one of those If you ever like there's absolutely terrible sites Where they like do the whole like Where are they like where do these stars And like they did that for her. And it's like, she's living

very comfortably in like several homes in fucking London. She did like 500 episodes of this like long writing successful television. Well, do not worry about her, okay? Oh, do not worry. But so he's like, instantly attracted to her, this enormous fat cow,

as we're told in the movie. And he knows, it's kind of funny because it's like, I, again, there's no backstory to any of this because the movie doesn't have fucking the real estate for it. But like, you get the sense that he's like, Oh, no, it's happening again. I'm getting attracted to another co-worker

because he's like, because when he realizes he's attracted to her, he's like, oh, bother. You know, it's real like, here we go again. My own little slippery fingers are going to get me in trouble again. Speaking of slippery fingers, the president of the United States is visiting. And boy, welcome, hail to the chief, Billy Bob Thornton. That's my boy.

I wish he just came out playing a saxophone. Just comes out of the car. But he's also, he's also Bush. He's definitely also Bush. Definitely also Bush. But like what is that only like the accent? Like what is the cowboy part? I guess. Yeah. It's the cowboy part.

And it's like and it's also Bush is the strong American part is like, because that's not Clinton, the strong armor. Well, he was busy being a super strong taking us into two wars. That's what I mean. That's strong. Which Tony Blair went along with. So I think this movie is like, wouldn't it be nice if we had a prime minister who didn't do that. So like he comes

in Billy Bob Thornton and basically there's a scene again the vaguest scene it's like two it's Billy Bob Thornton in a meeting with two British people like what do you have to give us that and he goes I will not give you that and then it's like okay like that's

what is that is it great politics scene everybody this movie's going to be awesome let's keep shooting that's just how politics is you know the president of United States sits down with clipboards of 50 thousand people from the UK government. Wait, cut, what did you say?

Did you say, Tory? Cut the footage. Burn the fucking footage. Because there's no specific. Give me the thing. We won't. I will not give you the thing. And then like basically you grant acquies, like, well, I guess he won't give us the thing. Mom. It's kind of great because he's like, let's just move

on to the next part of the meeting. And I'm like, all right, global politics. And then, you know, he's walking around, he's walking around the Downing Abbey or whatever. with him and he's like well I'm sorry I've had to be so tough on you there man because I'm a tough American guy oh yeah

and this is before or after he Hugh Grant walks back into the office and Billy Bob is like smelling this woman that's about to happen he sees Natalie's like oh he's like oh fuck look at that oh yeah

oh fuck look at that which I also see an earned turn because I could really tear it up Because I do think you're right. And she's coated as overweight or full-figured. Sure. Dark hair, working in the thing. You got a blue dress you could put her in real quick.

Because then I'll give you the thing that you wanted me to give you to the thing. It is very unsettling now that we're thinking this out that this president character is a composite of two of those guys. Yes. That sucks. What an awful person that person would make. Oh, my Lord. That's scary. They're both scary.

You don't get me wrong, but that's extra scary. Yeah, but like together like that, right, terrifying stuff. It's like when Vigo and Ray joined forces at the end, like, I, Vigo, Ray. Ray is no more. Yes. There is no, I'm not going to do it.

I know I can do it, but I'm not going to. There is no Clinton, oldly Bushton. Bush, Bush, Todd. Oh, Bushton. That's the guy. There he is. President Bushton here.

So, yeah, it's like Hugh Grant getting all fucking offended. Clint Ush. Clush. Clush. Clush. There it is. That's the one. President Clush. So he's walking in here. President Clush is like literally smelling this woman. And Hugh Grant, not, I believe. Gil Clush. Yeah, Gil Clush. That made me like.

For George and Bill. Gill Clush. Yep. There it is. Gil Clush. A president that Americans believe in. Gil Clush. He's a repulsh. He's a repub. publicrat. Or Borge.

Borge. Clush. Borge Clush. Borge Clush will sell you a used car that works for one week. That's what Borge Clush will do. No, it's not from a place of like, oh, it's wrong to do that to a woman in the workplace

and you're abusing your powers of the president. He's like, me jealous, you move in on Wormon first. And then he has this, you know, basically Billy Bob Thornton, they're doing the exit interview or whatever the hell you call it there. Well, yes, we have our very special relationship. Oh, it's a press conference.

Right, sure. An exit interview. But on the way out, I mean. They do give an interview while exiting. You're right. Very productive week, you know, the special relationship still remains. And then Hugh Grant's like, well, relationships are a funny word. It goes both ways.

And if one person isn't treating the other ones with respect, then it's not a relationship at all. You're a bit of a bully, aren't you? This would be deaf-class. You're declaring war on the United States. Death cons are changing based on this conversation. Yes. The clock's moving closer to midnight. I'm Gil Clush.

I guess we will finally do it. Newk the UK. We've been thinking about it forever. That's right. You can also get my new album out now. Gil Clush's one minute to midnight. Oh, yeah. You know, it would probably be the best place to nuke if you're going to nuke somewhere

because it's just the island. Yeah, it's true. You got that ocean and the, what is that channel or? Shunnel. Wasn't that how they kind of tried to end that 28 weeks later? Possibly. Oh, maybe. Don't they fucking nuke?

Maybe. Sounds right. I would have all the zombies there. I rewatched during the pandemic and I liked it a lot. Yeah. I remember I saw it in theaters. Good movie. A hundred years ago. Yeah, yeah. But again, like, this is like, it's not, like, the way everyone in the British press is like plotting him and he gets all these plotted and stuff. Sure. But you are, it's

crazy. Yeah. Because you're going to get your country literally evaporated off the planet. That is not as important as like every character from a Mike Lee film being like, Hey! Yeah, you don't. And I mean, like, standing up to it would be fine, but you don't do that

that way. You do it privately. Yeah, you do it in the office. Like, you close that door and you're like, you don't fucking touch my girlfriend. I mean, that's what's so stupid about the press conference is he's like, it's not so special. You're a big meaning. Yeah. I think you're very mean to me.

and I don't like that my feelings have been heard. And that he's like, oh, and because we're Britain, we're the country of many great things. David Beckham's left foot. Oh, David Beckham's right foot. Harry Potter. The Beatles. Well, yes.

A J.K. Rowling. What's that? What does she believe? What does she believe? Our transphobia is far more potent than yours. So now he's like on this high, and then here is he's dancing to the Pointer's sister. Jesus Christ.

If you want to save three minutes from the movie. He's going around the whole place. It turns to the King Ralph for three minutes. What are we talking about? Dude, you're totally right, man. All you needed was to put a whopper in that guy's hand and John Goodman could sue you. Oh, man, if you want to talk about the opportunity

for a share universe, he goes to see King Ralph. Oh, and they have a fucking wopper together. Hell, yeah. Oh, your majesty, may I come in? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. He's just playing the fucking. piano. Come in, I'm fart. Grab a whopper. I'm taking a shit.

Have you ever tried these chicken fries? They're incredible. And, you know, basically, he then has her reassigned, which is a terrible idea when you're sexually harassing someone to redistribute her. That sounds really weird. If I'm that assistant, I'm like,

did the prime minister just ask me to kill that girl? And he goes, well, it's a, it's not number two, this lady, and she's like, do you know, Natalie? And she's like, oh, the chubby girl. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. So stupid. And he literally is just like, really? Is that good thing?

And she's like, oh, no, it's this and this and this and this. And I've been looking at her all the time. As a matter of fact, lady, after you redistribute Natalie, redistribute yourself. Get the fuck out of here. Please, please. But so she gets redistributed. Oh, bugger off. Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you. Please. And, you know, he's feeling. You know, he's a very popular prime minister, but he feels lonely. I also don't think, like, I can't imagine a single president ever being. Right. Was there one? Was it, was it, uh, was Zachary Taylor was swinging dick or?

Oh, you mean single? I mean, I think it was only, uh, Michael Douglas is the only single. I think that's the only one we got. Eric's right. There was somebody way back, I think that was a bachelor. Oh, I'll Google it. Or possibly a widow I could see. Widow would make more sense.

But yeah, just like a dude that just, A guy who's open for business being the leader of the free world? I just don't see it. Buchanan, never married. It was the only U.S. president to remain a lifelong bachelor. James Buchanan, leading some historians to question. See, oh, sure.

Oh, you think you hate women, but I do it the best. He gets a Christmas card from Natalie, and it's like, you know, thank you so much for firing me. She's apologizing for being grown. by the president of the United States. She's like, I'm sorry I fucked that up. I've been thinking about it constantly since I was redistributed. I'm sorry that he poked me

with his boner in your office. You're fired. But to be clear, I thought that that press conference where you said that you were really hurt in your heart, I thought that was just the hottest thing I've ever seen.

So romantic. You hear to, you have to be, you have to please Gil. It's not, in her mind, right? It's like, I didn't please Gil close. Right. So I'm being. changed. Right. Yeah, she's like, oh, I guess I should have sucked this dick.

Right. That sounds like, that's what I would think. Yeah. And I would then go to the daily bail and be like, guess what happened? Exactly. Exactly. But oddly what happened is she just spent more and more time falling in love with this dude. Because she ends this Christmas card with like yours forever. Natalie, it's not yours forever, but it's like yours something Natalie. And he's like, say, you know what I should do? Let's go find this girl right now. And she has said earlier in the film like oh yeah I live in such and such neighborhood the bad part of it

at the top of the high street. Not the bad part of it the dodgy. Oh it's dodgy. The dodgy part. The artfully dodgy part. And he instead of again you are the prime minister and you're like oh Natalie who's to work at what's

their exact address? Thank you so much. Exactly dude like you can get that information you don't need to be doing these fucking door to door ringing the doorbell bothering people. Do we have any of our drones around there? The first level drones we just bought. Do we have any of those drones? Are they available?

Is there one that's not bombing a wedding right now? Can we get that to find Natalie's house? What about the chip at her head? The chip at everyone's head. Let me just see you. Punch that in. Oh, there she is. Oh, listen to this.

Oh, she has such a lovely voice. Is her father calling her plumpy? What the fuck? He opens, or one door opens and it's Mia. Yes. And wouldn't you know it? He's like, oh, does Natalie live here? Not even using last names.

Does Natalie live here? Oh, no, she lives next door. Boy, I hope it's the only Natalie on this long-ass street. There's also something cute. Just cute kids or caroling, blah, blah, blah. It's stupid. But yeah, the Mia one is funnier. Because he comes up to it and she's like, oh, would I ruin somebody's life if I

fucked you? Because if so, get right the fucking, welcome to my sex stand. The good gag. with the caroling. The kids are like, oh, are you a Christmas caler? He's like, uh, no. And they're like, come on, sing as a caler. And every starts singing, uh, good King Wenseless Sloss, that song. I do like the gag and I got a legitimate laugh out of it. Uh, the driver

who has this excellent baritone. Roll the ball. It's fucking funny. I think that was a trailer moment too. It was. And, you know, he's surprised by it. But yes, he shows up, and Natalie's place, there's a million people there because she's from the dodgy part, if you know what I mean. Yeah, we're not wrapping it up on the dodgy part. London town. Oh no sir. So there's a little class joke here and it's just like, oh, we're going to the pageant. It's right up the road. And he's like, well, I guess I'll go to the pageant then. Yeah, I'll give you, I'll give you a ride and we can talk. I have state business. You catch this one probably like teenage little brother with this fucking sum 41 haircut. Jesus Christ. It was 2003, baby. Oh, awful. It's like mini Liberty spikes. It looked terrible. It was the style of the time. So we're in the car and it's the joke is like it's the two adults and then the little kid and the octopus costume for the.

The pageant is like riding bitch there. And all he wants to do is, I want to fuck you so badly. Oh, I hope this little octopus boy has his ears covered. We're both, we're both down for this, yeah? Yeah, we're both going to do this. Okay, is there a place behind the stage where we could put off your knickers? We jumped straight to hentai, did we? The octopus.

Are there tentacles nearby? Oh, look. I do like the thing of the mom being like, I stayed up all night craft in the octopus costume. eight legs who's a lot Prime Minister for the nativity plan so they wind up

church of England's crazy fucking monsters and things like that yes where we did we replaced the Bible with the little mermaid and it seems to have walked out for us

yeah we still got Jesus in the manger but the rest of it's just shit from Kong Skull Island and yeah every time it's like oh my God my brother gives shit. No, I'm trying to get laid, sweetheart.

Get the fuck. He might as well, like, shove her out of the way. Yeah. Oh, nice to see you hand right over her entire face. And where's the backstage, you say? Yeah, we're going backstage and we start making out while the kids and the entire faculty are rocking. And the curtain falls there. And it's the prime minister of England just making out with this woman. Yep. Oh, yeah. That's the end of your career, dude.

It's over with. Do you think so? yeah probably he sort of plays it right though man like she's like what do we do he's like take a bow and like these fuckers are eating it up man i think he's just you know it's like last week he had the speech this week he gets caught you know snogging you know he's just like me i gotta have a beer with him he tells the president of america go fuck off and then he fucks his employees yes in your point earlier like is a single prime minister is that an issue for people or not or and then it's like but is it an issue that he's dating people he works with?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Well, she was redistributed at this point. Yeah. She might not be there anymore. Yeah, I had her fired so we could date. Oh, that's not good either. This has been a PSA on the joys of PDA and how it's good to just make out in front of people. And so that's like their thing. Everybody goes crazy. And then for their one month later, the fucking prime minister using the same terminal as all these other plebs at the airport. I don't know. He's got a gun!

That little redhead boy's got a gun. She Tase him, tase him. The Prime Minister's life was at risk. I mean, I don't even think because like she's there at the gate to greet him and she runs up, runs up to him. Jumps around. They're making out or whatever. And like, dude, someone is put you down, tased in the neck. Yeah. I don't care that you're the PM's girlfriend, like, some security guard might not know that. Craziness, whatever. But also, like, again, this is, it's one thing to be dating someone. It's another thing to be like a 16 year old kid just making out in public.

Right. Yeah, exactly. A little bit of a decorum, if you please. But that's, you know, that's it. Thank God. That's the end of the end. Thank you. Are we got a few more storylines here. Well, yeah, because you do have to, you have to cover all those different people at the end. the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of fucking. The grid of all the people. All right, we'll start.

Top left. Grandpa and little boy he hasn't seen in six years. Okay. Dead. Dead. Dead. Married. We'll be here all night. That is the end of love actually. Thank God. Go around the horn. Your final thoughts. Eric Siskin. Oh, my God. This is grueling. Yes. Grueling. My God.

This is my first time watching it. Trust of many. Yeah, it's a yearly tradition of course. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm going to die. I wish I was dead. But no, it's not good for me. I don't know. I, if you, I can see if you paired this down. Maybe there'd be something that to latch on to. But you, you have everyone so, like, loosely developed that you never really get to anything. There's no, there's, I, it drove, this movie drove me fucking nuts. Sorry. Chris Cabin. I appreciate my friends, optimism. It's okay to like a movie, though. I want to say if you like it, I love you. He's incorrect to say that. He shouldn't be saying that. It's a horrible movie. I think it's unbelievably cynical. Like all this positivity shit, it's like all for like nothing human goes on.

As we said, no friction, no conflict, anything. But there's really not even human moments, like down moments for you to be alone with these people for a minute. Just for a second to get to them. No, no, no, no, no. it's all these like terrible like romantic fantasies that absolutely insane people have like and just said like no that's actually good it will end up good if you keep on doing that that's the good thing to do like love at first sight it exists and you should follow it every time you just follow it like it's fucking crazy stalk a girl videotape or do whatever you want it's all fucking nuts and like i i've been like my mom loves this movie so i've seen it so many times uh-huh uh and And the hate has just built up over the years. And it's like a black bile in my stomach now that will never leave. Wow. Is it okay for her to love the movie?

It's, no, she's terrible for doing that. I thought I was trying to help everyone out here. No, mom, you shouldn't have liked this. It's a terrible decision. It's okay to like him. Steve Zaneck. Yeah, with Chris and everybody else. It's also like, you know, like you say Pulp Fiction again, like three or four story.

If there's just three or four stories and they actually connected in a meaningful way. You could actually explore some of these characters, introduce actual conflict. You got a movie here. But this eight is so insane. There's so much going on. The Pulp Fiction analogy, it's like if you had like,

now we're following Chris Walken, and now we're hanging out with the Gimp. Yes. The Gim's divorced. No, definitely. Oh, what a fool I was to go out Gimping. I can't believe. That's right.

Gimping at Christmas. I should have been home with my family. I can't believe I got caught Gimping at Christmas. No, whatever. It's a fucking piece of shit. I don't think... You could totally tell that the horny Prime Minister was a movie that he wanted

to get off the ground but just couldn't. I think he refused to change the title from the Horny Prime Minister and they were like, Richard, you can't make that. The American President, the horny Prime Minister. How hard is this to follow? So you just

couldn't get there. He couldn't land the plane. I don't know. I'll just, I'll cut it to ribbons and add fucking nine more stories to it. It's just yeah, no, it's not good. The whole notion of like making your audience have to attempt to juggle minimum 16 characters. Here, Andrew, I'm going to help you out. It's just not good. It's really not. It's impossible to follow. It's impossible to care about any characters. Chris, what's said? Are they playing us off? The podcast is now too.

long. Apple will do that occasionally. No, it's just, I don't want to make this any longer. I'm not going to say anything that the three of you haven't already said. This is only the second time I've seen it. It's not going to be a yearly watch for me. Frankly, because it's too long. I can watch those 90-minute fucking Netflix Christmas movies and instantly

forget them. And I haven't wasted a good chunk of the day. Two hours and 15 minutes, man. It sucks. And it sucks that you can look at some of those stories. And see, potential for actual movies. I don't understand this. This dude wrote a lot of really solid romantic comedies over the years. And for his directorial debut, he was like, here's all

the shit from my office garbage can. Let's make it my directorial debut. That is the end of love actually. If you want more we hate movies, of course, patreon.com slash we hate movies where if you are a subscriber at the $8 level or above, you're already there listening to this episode

ad free. You've also heard our we love movies. episode, A Lethal Weapon. A great Christmas movie. Gary Busey Talk galore in that one. One storyline under two hours, if you can even fucking believe it. And speaking of the 90-minute Christmas movies on Once in

a Lifetime, we have a very nutty Christmas. Oh, we absolutely do. It's about as nutty as it gets. Which is under 90 minutes. Thank the good Lord. Yes, and on the Gleap Glossary we have a Redux episode on the Star Wars holiday special over an hour talking about that

miserable holiday special. and coming out later this month here probably pretty soon maybe next week even we've been talking about in one way or another the character a little bit on this episode but Harry Potter and the prisoner of Ascabandmentary coming out and just to answer some questions because like if you're asking you obviously don't know us but of course we fucking tear J.K. Rowling to shreds on those commentaries so if you're one of those people that's like I can't listen to this because I don't want to whatever. Don't worry. We're aware she fucking sucks. What the fuck? Do I have to put a press fucking release out? I hate this person. You and Gil

Clash have to get out there. Do a big press thing. Here's the thing too. Like a lot of people enjoy just listening to the commentaries and not sync with the movie. Yeah, you don't got to rent that movie. So if you think it would be more morally accurate to not stream it or rent it, then you can just listen to it. And also if you're morally opposed, you can listen to the society commentary, which is also with all moral people behind that movie. Any of our commentaries, because if you subscribe, you unlock

everything, including, we didn't even mention animation, damnation. We're doing Doug's Christmas story. Oh, that's a real fucking set back in Christmas for him. Yes. And of course, we have the Nexus as well, where we talk about Star Trek. There is almost too much to list. That's right. It's a lot of stuff.

But we got one more Christmas themed episode here coming next week. Steve Sadek, what are we ending the month with? He probably made one of the best Christmas movies in decades this year, Paul Giamatti did. But years ago, he made a movie called Fred Claus, where he played Santa Claus

and the Vince Vaughn, like, steamroller of big box comedies. Absolutely. I've never seen it. I'm excited. Me either, actually. Is it just you? I know, I've seen it. Yeah, someone's fucking Rachel Weiss in that movie, by the way.

I think it might be Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn. So until next week when Fred Clause beds Rachel Weiss, I've been Andrew Juppin. Steven said. Eric's sister. Chris Grangle. Take it easy. You know I love Christmas I always will My mind's made up the way that I feel There's no beginning There'll be no end