We Hate Movies - S14 Ep718: The Family Plan

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

“Is [the ‘prayers up’ thing] still going on? Is he still charging people to pray?” - Steve On this week’s episode, we’re hitting the road with Mark Wahlberg and his fake family in the almost-Secret Movie™️, The Family Plan! How hilarious is it watching Mark get covered in that cherry slushy? Should this gamer kid be throwing up that hand signal? Is the matrimonial magic dead when your anniversary celebration is a rollercoaster ride? And why does this movie consider the city of Buffalo a great place to live, but only if you want to wake up, go to work, then die? PLUS: We give much well-deserved praise for the stunt teams that worked on this movie! The Family Plan stars Mark Wahlberg, Michelle Monaghan, Zoe Colletti, Van Crosby, Maggie Q, Felicia Pearson, Lateef Crowder, Saïd Taghmaoui, and Ciarán Hinds as McCaffrey; directed by Simon Cellan Jones. This week’s episode is brought to you in part by Factor. Head to FACTOR MEALS dot com slash whm50 and use code whm50 to get 50% off. That’s code whm50 at FACTOR MEALS dot com slash whm50 to get 50% off! This episode is also brought to you by Seed. Listen to your gut with Seed’s DS-01® Daily Synbiotic. Go to Seed.com/whm and use code 25WHM to get 25% off your first month. That’s 25% off your first month of Seed’s DS-01® Daily Synbiotic at Seed dot com slash whm, code 25WHM! Get your tix now for our next online digital experience where we’re talking about, yikes, THE FLASH! We’ll be LIVE on February 1st at 9:00pm to chat about this complete and total disaster! Be sure to bundle your ticket to get access to our post-show AFTER PARTY Q&A as well where we’ll be doing another hour-ish after the show. Can’t make it that night? We got you covered! The show will be available for replay for seven days after the event!  And hey, Atlanta, be sure to come out and bring your whole crew when we visit your amazing city for the first time in SEVEN YEARS! We'll be at City Winery on 4/25 and we're all gonna have a ball. Get them tix! Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, including Ad-Free WHM Prime at the $8 level and up! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies needs! Including new Polish Decoy, ‘Jack Kirby’, and Forrest the Universal Soldier designs!

Please listen carefully for a very important we hate movies related announcement. Holy smokes, it's listener request month, folks. New listeners are like, what? And old listeners are like, yeah, well, what is listener request month? It's that one time of year where you tell us what to watch. So like every year, we're going to open up the WHM request line and it's up to you to program our entire March calendar, all right? The way it works is you dial 1-833-946-4-2-66, or in an easier, more fun way. 1-833 W-W-H-M gang. And leave us a brief message, brief message about one movie you'd like us to cover.

Be sure to include your name and where you're calling from to be eligible, and that's one movie per call. And it calls asking for more than one are disqualified folks. We will throw that in the trash so fast. So what's eligible to be called in? Nearly everything. The 10-year rule, which only kind of exists now anyway, is off the table. We just needed to be streaming somewhere so that us and, you know, your fellow audience members can find it. We're not buying $90 VHS tapes on eBay, folks. Well, maybe Steve is, but the rest of us definitely aren't.

So make sure your request is somewhere digital. And just to be clear, the phone lines are open for we hate movies entries only, so it's got to fit that vague parameter of a week. hate movies title, all right? Also, there's a couple of movies like The Room and Burdemic, things like that that we're just not going to do, so do not bother. Hey, also, Patreon friends, our loyal kick-ass Patreon subscribers, we'd never forget you all. You get to email us directly with your picks for Patreon selections. Email WHM requests at gmail.com. That's WHM requests, plural, WHM requests at gmail.com. Now, what can you request stuff for? Here we go.

A We Love Movies episode, all right? These are available at the $5 level and up. That's a movie that you love and you think we'll also love and would be able to make a fun two-ish hour chat out of, okay? Same deal as the WHM requirements, you know, need to find it somewhere, yada, yada, though let's be smart about it, gang. Leave the incredibly challenging atrocity films like Zone of Interest for a less goofy podcast. Kind of hard to make scenes of people sifting through the items of the recently murdered funny.

You know what I mean? Look at the We Love Movies back catalog list. on our website, WHMpodcast.com, if you want to get some inspiration, all right? Now, for animation, damnation, that's the $3 level in up, folks. We're going to need the name of a 30-ish-minute cartoon and the specific episode, very important, specific episode that you want us to talk about, as well as where we can find it. If it's streaming, let us know where. And if it's on YouTube or somewhere else like that, just include the link in your email.

No feature film requests, folks. These are 30-ish-minute cartoons only, all right? Nexus episodes, that's at our $8. level and up. That's right. We're opening up to any and all episodes of Star Trek TNG, Deep Space 9, Voyager Enterprise, or Strange New Worlds. That's exciting, right? Look, we're leaving out TOS because we're just about done with TOS episodes on the actual run of the Nexus. So no point in doing that. And also, yes, we added in Strange New Worlds because it's episodic. I've seen all of it. The guys won't be lost. So I know there's a bunch

of Strange New World episodes. I'd love to have the guys watch and talk about too. So feel free to write those in. We just need the name of the show. and the episode you'd like to be covered. The Star Wars Gleap Glossary, of course, also at the $8 level and up. If you have a fun Star Wars character, you always wanted to hear us riff on, let us know, shoot us an email of the character in question

and we'll look into it. We've done a lot of Gleap Glossary's entries over the years, though, all right, so be sure you double check. We haven't covered your character yet, because otherwise, it's a waste of your time. For all the above, by the way, please send us one email per request. We've got to keep this as organized as possible,

and this is the only way to do it, one email per request. So if you want to request something for each of the, the four side shows, that's four separate emails with subject lines that let us know what you're requesting. Make it easy on us, please. Again, any emails that double up, they're getting chucked in the bin, all right? We've got to keep it organized. Lastly, sorry, no request will be taken for Melro 2 and O.

We've got to go in order there, gang. Absolutely no way we'd be able to navigate those insane waters at random, okay? Also, as always, include your name and where you're writing in from in those emails. We're not going to read dream mail address on the aerodoxy or anything. we'd just like to give you credit for the request. Starting January the 16th, which is right now and ending 1159 Eastern Standard Time on January

the 31st. That's January 16th through 1159 EST on January the 31st. We will be accepting brief phone calls for We Hate Movies episodes via 1833-946-4-2-64. That's 1-833 W-W-HM gang. And for Patreon requests, we're accepting emails

via WHM requests at gmail.com. We're so excited to see what you all beautiful folks calling because this March, you tell us what to watch. There's already an update to the We Hate Movies 24 live performance schedule. Did it slow down? Jesus, that's fast. It's fast.

We got a new show. I'm going pretty fast because we're talking about the flash. Oh, the movie nobody wanted, but absolutely came out last year. I'd rather see some guy in a trench coat, if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah. I'm surprised that joke isn't in the movie. You know what?

Yes, that is pretty astounding. But this is for all those folks that saw the lineup of January episodes and was like, my God, how did they miss the flash? There's something missing here. There's something wrong. Yes. But the good news is we're doing it. It's going to be a live virtual show. We love to do these.

It's super fun to watch. We're at our homes. We have a lot of fun. We talk to you, the audience afterwards. Yes, we do an after party. You could submit a Q&A question and we'll hang out. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. And we're going to be talking about everything.

We're going to be talking about flying babies. We're going to be talking about microwaves. Michael Keaton throwing spaghetti at people, right? That happens in that movie. He could have stayed right home for this motion to be sure. He certainly should have. Taking the panels to Michael Shannon, getting him back in here. That's one of those things where, like, with today's technology,

I would not be stunned if you. he was like, wait, I'm in the flash. Like, it was all just CGI-G-I-G-Gli-Gloop. Because it's the C-Gi-I-ist, gleep-gloop-iest movie last year. I mean, the ending of that movie, yikes, is all I can say. Let's just say there's multiple people rolling over in multiple graves. How about that? Some in actual, who are not in graves, too.

Nicholas Case is just rotated. I'm rolling over. It's not a movie. It's a grave spinner. We're going to be talking all about this grave spinner. on Thursday, February the 1st, 9 p.m. This is a live digital experience. Moment.com slash we hate movies for tickets.

Available seven days after. If you can't make it live, still get those ticks and watch it at your convenience. Yes, that's right. And add on for that after party, folks, because that's a lot of fun. That's it gets dirty. It gets dirty.

It gets more intoxicated. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, that's one the o'holic versions of ourselves. Yeah, that's the only time. That's the only time that the Aholic part comes out. Moment.co slash we hate movies. Get them tics.

We're talking about the flash. The show's going to be great because the movie sucked ass. This week on We Hate Movies, we try to get to the bottom of the age-old question. If a movie comes out and the production company doesn't tell you it exists, does anyone notice it?

It's the family plan. I'm Andrew Jupin. A Buffalo Mark Wahlberg. Eric Cisker, I'm Apple Mark Wahlberg. Oh, indeed he is. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the fine program, as always.

Thank you for tuning in this week. If you're new to the show, that's right. It's a comedy show where you take a movie of any kind and poke fun at it. This week, it's a, it's an okay one. Compared to what the last couple of weeks have been, Chris Cabin, I'm talking hypnotic. This is good. I want to see this brain a lot of yours are live on. the pod. That vein's getting pretty big, Chris.

I will say, I think hypnotic. Hypnotic is better than this. It is. Oh, for sure. That's the craziest shit I'll hear all. I think I'm on Team Andrew on this one. This is the family plan directed by Simon Kellyn Jones. This is his first motion picture. Is that the idea? Yeah, bro. It's the

family plan. I'm going to look at the calendar. No one. I'm going to use a condom. That's honestly, when I heard the title of this movie, I was like, oh, it's some pregnancy thing. Great. Yeah, I thought he's going to get a vasectimate. Well, the You would never expect Mark Wahlberg does... To get a vasectomy?

True lies from the poster. Because it does... I got a very distinct the pacifier vibe from the poster when I saw it. And I'm like, and that would actually make... For the amount of chemistry on display here, that actually might have made more sense.

And what was that? Like a magical babysitter? He's like an ex-CIA type guy. That was the Vin Diesel one? Yes. We will do it at some point. Wasn't there a Dwayne Johnson movie that was sort of similar? Tooth fairy, right?

The Tooth Fairy is, he did versions. Oh, there was another one. The game plan is what you're thinking. Yeah, but that's his daughter. It's always, we love, we love it. It's so fucking funny. Could you imagine a guy? Tough guy.

Right. Tough guy. Yeah, got it got it. With a gun. And you're like, oh, that's a tough guy. Right, right. And then, like, he's got a baby, Bjorn. Could you imagine?

Wait, what? Well, that. I don't think so. Who started that? The big man. Kindergarten cop, man. He did. Kid plus fucking action hero

Pagillion dollars Kids plus fucking action hero That was the pitch Money in the bank I'm not sure Did Sly ever try this? No the closest he got was Stopper my mom was

replace a baby with an old lady There's a baby an Oscar right Yeah there's a baby an Oscar That's a straight comedy Yikes That's a stay tuned So this movie It is an Apple original movie

that they just flushed at the end of last year. It came out like December 20th or something. Again, it just, you know, they do this for their good stuff and their bad stuff. The bad stuff like this movie, they're good stuff like Monarch Legacy of Monsters, which I will stand by, kick-ass show that they told absolutely no one about.

Their ad campaign is shit, but they are one of the people that will actually put a movie in the theater. Yes. With Napoleon and Killers of the Flower Moon. They could have put this to the theater and they were like, no. Apple is really pushing the boundaries. They released my film, Kills the Flan Moon. Fantastic new picture.

Mark Wahlberg, the family plan. Michelle Monaghan takes a diaper and sticks on a man's face and he plummetes to his death. It's fantastic, fantastic picture. A family melodrama. And it involves spy parts. But I think what we're getting at here, though, is much like Netflix in their chase for award cloud. Yeah. Because the other thing you have to remember about both Netflix and Apple, of course,

they don't care about box office residuals because they don't. have to care about money. So things that could have been seen as prestigious, like a Napoleon, which didn't really work, but then like Killers the Flower Moon, you're racking up all sorts of shit. Totally fine. Because the thing is, I'm telling you, just like that, you know, the DJ

movie and Vin with, you know, his kid action movie, this would have made money. This absolutely would have made money. In a world where trolls on tour or whatever rules the planet. If trolls is in the theater, it's eating.

fucking Mark Wahlberg's lunch that's for sure. You strategically place it at a different part of the you really have to work. A brief troll drought. I don't know. You gotta slip this family film in between all these trolls releases. That was smaller and smaller every year that gap. That was the

when I was in Paris in October, it was like every street sign there was like it was either a killers of the flower and moon poster. It was like pretty cool. I was like, oh, that's neat. And then, or it was a trolls poster. And like, here I am trying to like take pictures of the Louvre and shit. I'm like, get to get the trolls out of here

really quickly. Like, this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip. I would love not to have Tour's World Tour fucking involved in my my tritually. Yes. What do you mean? We love it. This movie is, yes, it's Mark Wahlberg doing a family sanitized true lies basically. He's a spy. But unlike Arnold, who is still

active in True Lies, he is a retired, left the life behind kind of guy. That is so important because otherwise he would have to do things. And then we would really be in the problem here. We really have an issue. To be clear, not a spy, an assassinator. You're right. You're right. An actual murderer

who, you know, a dead eye a dead eye murder. What are he's doing in true lies? No, I know, but it's true. All he would do is kill people. Like, you know what I got to move this briefcase from here to the day. Oh, yeah, that's true. Get the password. Yeah, that's, oh, I'm looking for the decoder box or something like that. No, bro, I'm killing people. I'm listening

to, I listen to the Smith's nonstop. You're right, because he's not smart enough to move the decoder box. He can only kill. I love the killer, bro. He's thinking about carbohydrates all the time like me. Panic on the streets of Buffalo.

This movie tells you, by the way, that if you're a person who lives in the great city of Buffalo, New York, you should pack it up and fucking kill yourself. That's what this movie is telling you, man. It is like living in Buffalo is a fucking death sentence. Well, I don't know about that, bro. We got the roller coaster. And when the planet

dies, bro, there's fresh water sauces everywhere. That's true. One thing we should say, because we're doing the Mark Wahlberg, the Boston Act, he is tamping it down so much in this movie. I don't appreciate that. I don't appreciate it. He's like, hey everybody, what? No. Why is going his voice is still high?

You're right. But it's flatter. What they need to they should have done is, see, he goes he like goes undercover, has his own secret life. He leaves the world of a assassin behind. Yeah. When he comes back out as an assassin, he should just have a Boston accent. Oh, nice. Like, there's a few things I haven't told you. You got evil stand coming here. Well, I think because it's like, it's Wahlberg and like you can't keep that lying in the cage. No, no, no. Too long. Right. It sort of works out accidentally the way

you suggested, Eric, because as this movie's ramping up and he's got to like yell more and stuff, it comes out. It comes right out. So it's almost as if like by the time, Michelle Monaghan finds out about the secret life, that accent is right where it needs him to be. Yeah, I actually talk like this. You're an assassin? You're from Boston? I could live with one of those things.

Well, I understand that. You know, he's getting religion these days and he's trying to get away from his old self and most of that is Boston. That really is a main chunk of that. I do think also, how much do you think they asked him to wear Buffalo Bills paraphernalia? No, he said, absolutely not.

I would rather be fucking dead, bro. Sure. No, don't give it to me. That's it on fire. No, I'll give me another one. I'll take it. Do you got a hat? I can burn? It was like, what's his face there?

Ben Affleck was refusing to wear the Yankee hat and Gone Girl. Oh, man. He's wearing a Mets hat instead. Which is dumber. Yeah. Works for the movie, but is dumb in general. Yeah. Yeah, so this movie starts off with it.

It's kind of funny speaking of him and prayers up and everything, because this opening little monologue, he has, it's all like Buffalo landscape shots, so you don't really know what's going on in first. And it's like, are you happy with your life right now, bro? You ever sit back and just think about what you? And I was like, is this a prayers up kind of thing?

There's a thing called recall. You go in, show it your life. Am I living the life I should be? Like, that's what it starts at. You could go to Mars or Buffalo. Oh, also, they give you, if you do the total recall procedure, if you're a woman, you get a third. TIT.

That's what that movie's about. Quick question. The prayers up thing, is that still going on? Is he still charging people to pray? I don't know what the status of the app is, but I do know, I see him pop up on the gram every now and again. A lot of the posts will start with prayers up. And it's always in concert with him working out.

Yeah. So it's like prayers up. Got a lift in the morning, bro. Prayers up, everybody. Good morning, Jesus. Yeah. I mean, that's what's happening is eventually we are going to have to blend religion

with bodybuilding. That is where this is all headed. Or maybe for some of us, bodybuilding is the religion. And he will be the god, of course. That was the second season of the righteous gemstones with what Adam Levine is up to and all those hulking men. That at the size of a planet fitness is where we're heading. No one's going to church anymore.

There's so much space in there. Put in an elliptical. That's actually true. Get a couple of get the old confessionals out of the church. Put some treadmills in there. That's a great point because now I'm getting things done. You know what I mean? Yeah. Get the prayers up. Get the blood pressure up, you know? Yeah. You know why they were molesting so much? Because they were bored. They didn't keep

motivated. They didn't keep working. Idle hands are the devil's play. Absolutely. That's right. So, uh-oh. It turns out, uh-oh. It's not a prayers up app situation. he's selling a car to this divorced guy at his new job at planet car deal yeah that's that's a take two in the screenwriting department you couldn't even like they that's just like you're not even doing signs anymore man you just got to change the digital thing and not make it a piece of shit to be fair that's one name that nothing would be named like there's no other card you can't you're

not accidentally naming a real car you know dealership yeah that's all SEO work right there But it's just at least make it like Dan's Chevrolet. Like he's Dan in this movie. Does he own it? No, but he is. Of course, you'll be shocked to know this. He is the best car salesman they've ever had so much so. He keeps winning employee of the month.

But he's humble. This is a key, Andrew. He's too humble, you think, to get his photo taken for the thing. It turns out he is worried he will be targeted by Maggie Q or Kiran Heinz. Right. One of the other thing. Yeah. So, yeah, it's this whole thing. He talks this dude up. He convinces him to buy this car or whatever. Oh, you're so great. Let's fawn over you. No, no, no, bro. Got to get home to the family. Like, he is for better or worse, he's a committed family man in this life that he's living. I love this. The little, because when you first see him, I thought he was doing one of those, like, a car phone, like hold up the phone and talk to it. Like, he's literally looking at the camera. It looks like he's doing that. And like he's not, he's talking to this. old guy and like of course

and he's just like you know maybe you don't you know maybe this is your car bro this is your car oh wait I see I see you used to be married right there what did the bitch do to you why don't you why don't you just tell me what the bitch did to do and this whole thing is

showing you like he is able to use his whip smart assassin skills to read anybody even in car sale situations because he sees like the tan line on the finger and he's like that's not you talking friend. That's that ex-wife of yours. It grabs the

tan line on the finger. That's her poison in your veins, bro. And it's still there. You were allowed to cheat on her. She gained three pounds. Oh my God. Even Jesus thinks so. So that's you get a little bit of his professional life there and it's

like up, got to go, family night, whatever. And he drives home in his minivan in Buffalo New York, listening to Toots in the May Tiles cover of Country Road's Take Me Home, which is an amazing song, great cover. And this dude's singing it like he's got someplace else he'd rather be. Kiss my ass, dude.

You're going to sing this song in your comfortable minivan. This is the problem with the movie is it's so flat. It's incredibly flat. Like that move, that moment, because it's most of the director and also because nobody kind of wants to do it. And the script isn't very good. But like that moment should rise up a little bit. He should be rocked.

get excited for it, right? Because he is even changing the lyrics, but... Buffalo! Yeah, but he's singing, even though like he's the only guy in the car, and what a fantastic time, the shower and the car alone. Great times to sing and, you know, whatever, let it all out. And he's just like, Buffalo, take me home. Like, he's embarrassed about doing it.

And I'm like, is this Dan in the car? Embarrass? No, no, no. It's Mark doesn't want to sing on camera. Or is it the assassin? Well, here's the thing. This would maybe make sense if when we finally meet, like, the sass and he's been repressing all these years, it wasn't just him with a gun. Like, if it was an actual new personality, something new comes out that this is like level-headed. He had to put on an act.

And even in the car here, he's going to have that act because he's like waving at the people being the most normal guy in the world. See, you're totally right. And it would be awesome if, like, he gets in the car from the car lot. and like he's smiling like I'll see you I'll see you on Monday everybody and he gets in the car and the smile wipes off his face right and he's driving home and because it's a big mistake he's got the windows rolled down it's like me going home from here if he's got the windows rolled up and he's waving and smiling but it's like fuck you asshole you're a piece of shit lady you know what I mean what you're asking Andrew right there is for Mark Wahlberg to act with his face oh that's not going to happen not working anymore that thing's seasoned up my god yeah too much work pro yeah it looks like some Clay that hasn't been thrown on the wheel yet, dude. I don't know what's going on with this guy. Prow's up for that fucking mug.

So he goes to meet Michelle Monaghan, his lovely wife. She's going to have a good year this year. She's going to be in White Lotus and Maxine. Oh, really? Oh, she's in Maxine? Apparently, yeah. For her, man. Tickets sold. Well, ticket was already sold.

But now, pre-sale ticket sold. She kind of always kind of almost made it kind of a thing Michelle Montaghan. She's regularly just working. She had a really decent, like, early aughts. She, like, there was a lot of stuff that she was kind of co-builded in, like, she's in that not good Shia LaBuff movie. Eagle Eye. Eagle Eye. Was she Mission Possible Three?

Yes. Piss. Kiss, Kiss, bang, bang. Yes. Yes. Oh, Kiss. Kiss. Was that was, like, 0506. 0-5.06. But then she, at the TV thing, she really took up, fucking first season of true detective, man. Yeah. Call your shot. She's the wife. Yeah, she's, Woody Allison's wife. Oh, wow. I don't, I don't, I remember so little about that first true detective. That first scene is so fucking good. I just rewatched it.

Really? It's all, I mean, the third one's pretty good, but the first one's just magic. It's so perfect from beginning and end. Yeah, I feel like, even though I remember loving it a lot, it like got memed out of my mind. Yeah. It took some, I took a while.

It just was like a couple weeks ago. I started back. Yeah. But yeah, so this is their their home life. They have two teenage kids, then an accident. Disgusting shit twins. The girl is the older

and she's a high school senior who's getting ready to go off to college and Mark Wahlberg comes home to what I can only imagine is an everyday thing just the daughter and the mother just to fussing in a feud and you know and now it's uh-oh we're fighting here because she was supposed to go

to Stanford for journalism bro and now she wants to go to southern Iowa state because she's chasing a boy down there Trevor, yes. Should I become a family annihilator, bro? Oh shit, man. This is getting pretty annoying, bro.

You know, I killed so many people. Killing my family would be like, nothing. Honestly, the way that he acts at the start of this movie, if he took out the wife and the two teenagers and it was just him and the baby on the lamb, he'd probably be pretty happy. Yeah, he'd probably fine. He clearly favors that young little Max as the favorite child.

I mean, he is just going to bed. That's the thing is like, the idea is that at the end of the movie, like he actually does love this version of himself. There is really nothing that he enjoys about his past life, which is terrible and stupid.

There has to be some like impulse for him to be like there was stuff I miss from that. Having a free pass to bang Maggie Q. I mean, you miss that from your assassin's life. Every night, why aren't you just remembering the time you and Maggie Q fucked like dogs

on top of a pile of dead Colombians. Like, why isn't this happening? Like, if you're going to make this stupid movie, you at least have fun. Can I get a flashbag of that? Absolutely. You get a flashback for the table, please? The daughter is super

annoying as a character because she, yeah, she wants, she's following some boy named Trevor Southern Iowa University, but she is a zillennial and she's talking about systematic racism and all that stuff, which we find out is only because of that

boyfriend put it in her head. We find that rotten boyfriend. That piece of shit. Oh, and she was going to be a great journalist, but now she's given up on it. But no, she's going to be the right kind of journalist, a podcaster. Exactly. She trades in being obsessed with her

boyfriend who's into journalism and all this stuff for being obsessed with what her dad thinks about her journalism. Yeah, wow. Oh, really? Then I am going to do it. Because, oh, you read some of my shit? Oh, I'm definitely, I've got dedicate my life. But you also 100% know that there are

those dudes out there, the Trevers of the world, that do weaponize that shit. Oh, for sure. Absolutely fucking do. So it kind of does nail both of it at least in a way. I don't know. I just don't want to trade in being obsessed with one man for another man. That's essentially what the movie does.

My daddy. My daddy. Well, you know, when your dad's Mark Wahlberg and calling you beans, you must feel... You must feel pretty special. He's from Beantown. That's true. Oh, yeah, there you go.

Hey, Beans. Do we get a, like, because she's all through the movie, she's like, don't call me that. At the end, does she like, oh, thank you? No, it's a, because obnoxiously, I watched this twice in like eight days, so it's kind of fresh. Well, because it's like, we weren't sure if we were going to do it. So I watched it. It's like, yes, it's an episode. Oh, and we have to record it eight days from now, excellent.

She eventually, he keeps doing it, but she doesn't push back on. I see, of course. So it's like he says it again and she just acknowledges that he's speaking to her. Kyle, I'm going to call you Fenway. Hey, Fenway. My two little kids,

beans and Fenway. They'll never know I'm secretly from Boston. My baby boy, Duncan. That could actually be a real name. This is my dog, Newberry Comics. My dog. This fucking Michelle on a Freedom Trail.

Why do you say Friedrichel do you come? Are you from both? No, I'm from Buffalo. I love it here. It's out of hatred. It's a for hatred for the Freedom Trail. Why is it every time we have sex, you have to play the Dropkick Murphy's rendition of Tessie?

What's going on there? Oh, I'm Belichicking. Well, you said I couldn't do shipping up to Boston anymore. I love that song. Makes me come like that. Go, Bill. I hate those patriots with all their wonderful championships and the fantastic coaching.

career and the history. It's just like crying in a Buffalo Bill's shirt. I don't want to live in Christ as my quarterback for over a decade. Yeah, and then the teenage son Kyle, his whole thing is Mark Wahlberg considers him a loser

because he's interested in video games and has indeed, this is what it's always the right parenting move. When your child enjoys and is passionate about something, you got to cut that kid off. You got to prevent him from doing that thing that he likes, because they definitely won't find a way around you to continue doing the thing.

You definitely want to tell him not to do it, and you definitely don't want to actually talk to them about the thing. That's the key to it, is to just avoid actually having an intimate connection with your child. And the thing is gaming. He's a big gamer. Yes. On the Twitch end of the spectrum, you know, like doing it kind of on the, on the professional-ish level. He is. He streams. He's got a handle killboy. He's very popular. Well, that's, I mean, you don't see him, like, dealing with sponsors or anything, which I mean, I think he's just on the cusp. Well, he's about to get there. He has the big moment in Vegas. Dude, Killboy is going to be killing it.

And he has to go to his buddy's go to his gun cave to even play. Oh, dude, that's embarrassing. Even more embarrassing, Steve, you referred to this guy as a buddy. No, this is a dude who he's paying to use his garage and that guy doesn't give a shit about it. He's like, oh, I got to go to my buddy's house today. Oh, you got a real friend. Oh, my God. Look at this. We cut out to Vivid. video games and he's got a real friend. And it's genius to have your goon cave in a garage because if it gets to, you know, the smell is going to build. Easy way to air it out. You get a hose out.

You go to the floor because it's just cage. You got to move the electrical equipment. But yes, I think that's a very good thing. Spring cleaning, you know. What's your friend's name? Oh, his name is Samir. You should not have a friend. You should have no friends.

Get back to gaming in here. You'll be friends with those Samirs if I have anything to say about it. Why don't we put an extra lock on the outside? side of your door. Well, dad, you said the same thing about my Vietnamese friend. You're what? He's holding a beer bottle and it shatters in his hand. So, you know, that's their whole night.

Nina, the teenage dirter is the one who gets stuck babysitting the kid because it's their wedding anniversary. Yes. And Jess and Dan are going out to reenact their first date, which is going on this roller coaster. And I don't know, man. There is just something. Like, you can have annual whatever's, but, like, the fact that it's a roller coaster is just so sad. I don't know why.

It's so sad. Also, question where are your old uncles here, folks? You know, and I don't think any of your old uncles are going to be able to answer this. Sure. But are kids just watching Twitch on in the street, like online and being like, oh, wow, look at Killboy. They get, they are. The answer is yes. Yeah, yeah, they are.

I'm sorry. Because they're the same, they're the same, you know, younger folks. that work around, you know, FaceTime in somebody. Sure. On the sidewalk while they walk in front of a bus. And sometimes because these guys go, I mean, all of them,

it's that they go all the time. So they could just listen to on their headphones too. Oh, right. Put it down, turn it off. So, yeah, they get online for this thing. And yet it's a bunch of kids just wrapped up in watching a killer, killboy ses that he's got.

Is this a real or fake video game? I couldn't tell. I don't tell what it was. Because I don't know so it's fake Overwatch if I had to guess. It looks, no, it looks a da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-not-Overwatch the other one. Fortnite.

Fortnite, it looks like Fortnite. Oh, does it? I don't know what either of those are. The structure of it is because like I think Overwatch is in an arena. This is like a world that you go through and shoot people and I think that's more. Well, you don't really see that much of the game.

Just at the end. Oh, we're going to go to the amusement park. Yeah, we're at the amusement park. these very nice group of Xenials here are like hey you guys can go in front of us because we want to go on the ride as a group I was like wow that's it's very nice with nice manners of these children

is that the term or is that Gen X to Millennial No I think it's I think we're saying Zennial I mean I always say Gen Z but I guess it makes sense delenial they might be two different things Oh really? Because the way that we need We're obsessed with like division Parsing these things out division yes also But anyway, so they get on this roller coaster.

And while they're like getting on, it's Michelle Monaghan really not into it anymore. Oh, yeah, man. Come on, babe. Aren't you still hot for this? I really, I don't say this often, but I do think it is needed here. Michelle Monaghan needs to cheat. This is getting too much. This is, there's something wrong here.

You have someone in mind. Look. Look, Christopher Morris, Cabin. Look, she, you know, I don't exist in that world. But if I did, I would be a gentleman. us not far. It's not. Where's the,

where's the lady from the movie? Where's any amusement park? It's cops driving you to the town line. All right, buddy. Do you mean the wing park? We have a wing park.

But she's like, no, I swear to God, I'm definitely still into this riding a roller coaster. I love this part. I mean, like,

I'll go back to the same bar that I met my wife in. That's like, That's because that's like easy. You know, you stop by, you get a drink. Then you got to a nice dinner. You don't do that like if it was a roller coaster. Well, that's the thing is what you did.

It sounds like what an adult would do. I see. This sounds like what a nine year old would do. That's what's weird about them, him being like having been an assassin and coming. This sounds like we're reliving, you know, like prom or something. Yeah. This sounds like a young person or in college we went to the roller coaster. Yeah.

It doesn't sound like as an adult couple, your first date was the roller coaster. Yeah. Like, do you have your first date at the Apple Picking Fair? Like, what the fuck? Like, where? You grew up in, like, the 70s, man. And also, like, we don't know when they met because, like, he doesn't, he didn't know her in, very specifically, did not know her in college. Right.

So, like, 24, 25 kind of a thing, I guess. Well, it's, I mean, no, because they say there's a joke, there's a joke later about they had two dates and then on the third date, she got knocked up with the daughter. Wow. So if the daughter's going on. off to college. That's whatever. So 18, 18 years ago. Yeah. Okay. Where is this hound dog and anything Mark Wahlberg's doing? Even the ghost of this horn dog who got his girlfriend, his girlfriend knocked up on the third date. My God. Prayers up. Condoms off. Exactly. And that's, and once it's, once the, once the, once the cake is in the oven, that's the end of it.

I guess. Yeah. It is. I suppose. Even it's still just better. So they, they, they have. have fun on their little roller coaster here. There's a lot of fun. I always like when you are putting actors on roller coasters and you just put a camera out in front of it. I'm a sucker for that. Little practicality in a movie, never heard anybody. So they have a grand time. And then like

in one of the most like weird things so they encounter what turns out to be like a group of adult bullies who fake a selfie because they think it's funny that Mark Wahlberg and Michelle Monaghan are kissing each other. And it's just a bunch of dudes like, oh yeah,

breaking out. Why is that funny? That's, look, I need a whole movie about these guys. Yeah. I need to understand these people. Because it's a mystery. You're just roaming the fucking park being like, they're kissing.

You're kissing. We hate kissing. We don't like kissing in this part of town. You're fools for kissing. That's Buffalo, though. I was so confounded. I said, what? Why?

And so Walberg, you know, We, as the audience, know that he used to be an assassin. He's like, hey, bro, you're not going to post that picture. Hey, that was a private moment, bro. And my God, when I tell you, the joy I get at watching this dude who has just gotten off a roller coaster, cucked in front of his wife by having a cherry ice he dumped on his head. The one line when the guy is looking at Michelle Monaghan, he's like, oh, yeah, you know,

like, how did you ever, uh, you, how did a whip like you ever get somebody as hot as you you probably used to be like probably used to be sure, put you glasses on. Let's go to Warby Parker together. Let's figure this shit out. Totally. Come on Roscoe. We need to get you up to 2020 here, man. She's not nearly as hot as Riley

Reed who I date. And so it's like, what are you going to do about it, pussy? And just covers this dude in icy, humiliating. Now, Steve, to your point about this being a bad screenplay, it absolutely is. I got to tell you, these dudes, after like,

the persona has been to shed and the day's been saved in Vegas and all that stuff that we'll get to. We do, of course, have, you gotta do it, you gotta do six months later. He has to run into those dudes again. Oh, beat the shit out of it.

That's the stinger that's not, yes, let's go to, uh, in the, whatever and then take her to college at the end. Yeah, no, it's just like, oh, oh, hello boys. And it's like, he looks at Michelle Monaghan like, honey, and she's like, go for it. And he beats the shit out of them. And, I mean, these, these sickos are,

absolutely staying in the same place. To get more of their kissing picks. Got to get me some kissing pecks, boys. I don't want to do this. No, sex, no. Kissy pics. Going to go to the movie for the roly coaster and get some

Kizzy Picks. He's got a Twitter account that has 30 followers and just like, hashtag Kission. Yep. I'm looking at him of a kissing pics. Oh, I need new ones. These aren't working anymore.

I'm bored with my kissy picks My 400 kissy picks are gone I've been bored I need 500 more It's cool because he's in the photo too So he's like Oh I'm so close to kisses I'm so close to the kissing

Time to get a new iPhone And go to Epcot Center Where all the kissing happens Hi this is Darren We would from random house We would love to put out a book of your kissy pics Yep that's where I think He thinks it's going

I do love the total like science fuckery of so he gets just dumped on his head this big red slushy and then like and he you know he does the thing like you do in movies like this where like when you're not going to fight back he just

like leaves it on his head and then like when he's showering there's still like red ice coming from where it's at least a 20 minute ride over. Shake your head like a dog fucking animal. Do you know what that is though? trying, it's a Mark Wahlberg thing. Mark, it's supposed to be like

an assassin when blood is coming from your It's supposed to be like, oh, the mournful shower after the big fight. It's familiar, yeah. That's exactly what it is because it's like shower floor first with his feet. And it's like what's all this red stuff definitely meant to look like a post assassination?

That's all fine, but there's still ice chunks in it. It doesn't make sense. It's at least a 20 minutes. It's called it Buffalo, bro. Getting out of an amusement park, it's at least 25 minutes. Then it's the ride home. also like wouldn't Michelle Monty be like do you want to use a napkin on there like exactly stay in the fucking car or go to the fucking bathroom take a hobo shower we have the towel in the back for the dog when it gets muddy why don't you just fucking use that eight words you're not getting

in the car like this that's it that's all it is and you got to get the slushy off your head before you get back in the Ford Windsor absolutely and that would be the ultimate humiliation after all this your wife will not let you in the car with her because you're sticky with icy and you have to get Gustav the Uber man to bring you back home. Or just a bottle of water and just drizzle it just to get the bulk of it out.

Yeah, you go to the bathroom and you really wash that shit out. I can't believe these fucking kids with the icy. Yep, exactly. So then it's like this fucking, we've talked about it as the roller coaster's about to leave the station. So we know some things here such as

because she is starting to lay the seed of like our life is kind of a little too fine and flat and boring. She's considered separation. Divorce has not come yet. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll live at my mother's for a while or something. But there is like this thing where she says like, you know,

you just have everything planned out. You know, we have sex on Thursdays. And I'm like, okay. And then it's like, I thought this was kind of funny. She goes, we always have tacos on Wednesday. And he goes, well, everybody else is doing it on Tuesday. I'm like, all right, that's kind of. It's like an eighth of a joke. Working with something.

But so then it's like, uh-oh, here it's time for anniversary sex. And she, this is, this would kill any arousal anywhere in a three mile radius. He says anniversary sex, let's go. And she goes, but it's not even Thursday. Oh, my God. The calendar has to say something before you can get laid. Well, it's not even that. I mean, also like she's just, nothing's going on down there after the slurpy.

Oh, that's true. That's true. She's just trying to get out of this as gracefully as possible. Yeah, maybe she gives him a handy to stop him from killing himself. That might be happening, but I can't, there's not full going on, no fear.

I mean, yeah, she does all of a sudden conveniently get tired. Yeah. Can we do this another night? Maybe on Thursday when the calendar deems it appropriate. And then again, you are thinking about which bridge has the highest from the bridge

to the water. No, the But, like, also, like, what do they do for dinner? Do you think it's because, like, oh, our first thing. It's obvious. We always got to do Arby's fame. Oh, always. We always eat it, Walburgers. Oh, God.

They're delicious. And he looks at the camera. What is the thing that's in his video game adaptation? What are they crashed through? Him and the Tom Holland movie. And there's a big fight scene. Oh, is it a pizza hide? It's a McDonald's, I think.

Oh, Papa John's, maybe. I think it's a Papa John's. It's a European Papa John. Uncharted. There it is. There it is. Yeah. Speaking of movies,

just falling out the other side of your brain after you watch them. Thank you, Eric. I would have not gotten that. I thought you guys were talking about Max Payne. True.

That movie had Tom Holland. This movie has Michelle Monand. Trade up. Oh, yeah. The series of that is, you can just trade right up. But to the point of me for getting that movie existed,

even though we totally did an episode on it, when you go to Mark Wahlberg's IMDB page, one of the auto play things, is a video of him and Tom Holland doing promotional things for it and I was like, what movie were they in together? I mean, the thing is, I believe anything like something like, like what you said,

like I do believe the first pass he does just try, like maybe we do it in a Walburg is. Like just, I don't know if he does it too seriously. I think he's just seeing if he can get it done. Right. So she, it's the next day, everyone's going to school, everybody's going to class

and he is he's taking the baby to the grocery store while Michelle Monaghan is doing like a boxing Tybo thing. Like a kickboxing class. And who should be there but Maggie Q? And it's like, oh wow, how Maggie Q? You're in this movie. Yep.

Enjoy the three minutes over here and then wait another close to two hours before you see her again. Well, that's, I mean, you see that like, and I guess you're just really counting on people who don't watch many movies watching this movie. Of course. Because like I see Maggie Q.

Q and I'm like, oh. So she's a bad guy. Either this is the rest of the movie right here or she's coming back for a huge chunk at the end because why. And if it is at the end, like, why only this much? Why not come back to her throughout? Yep. But it doesn't make any sense because you're like, okay, so Michelle Monaghan decks her.

Because you have to keep it as like for a dumb twist that nobody cares about at the end of the movie. Not a twist, but like it's a pride. It's just a nice lady. She met at boxing. She hits her by mistake. They chat. Oh, really? Oh, he was a jerk anyway. Bye.

I wish I get a new friend. I guess I won't see you ever again. I wish I had connection to a brain like that. That doesn't like when she says my ex-boyfriend's from Buffalo, you're doing like, oh, that's Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, exactly. Not immediately like, oh, yeah, of course. I'm checking it on my ex-boyfriend who lives here now. Uh-oh. Who knows what could that be? He says he's a Bill's fan, but if you listen to the way he speaks. He keeps on calling them the Celtics. I don't know why, but he's really, he's stubborn about And, you know, she's, like, saying that she's... Wait, we don't even have a baseball team, bro?

You gotta be fucking kidding. What am I supposed to do? Wait, what's that other sport? Hockey? What? A buffalo saber? What? No, the Bruins.

The Bruins. Don't think about it too much. Just call them the black socks. Okay, no, that's probably not good. Okay. Let me think about it again. Maybe yellow, yellow socks. Ooh, yellow socks.

There you go. Yeah, so she's like, oh, I have this, like, big travel business or whatever. Hey, if you need any truck, because one of the things, Michelle Mane, in laying out her very fucking dry existence with this man is like, he never wants to go anywhere. We never travel. So she's like, hey, if you change your mind, I'm a travel agent. By the way, beep, beep, wheels up. I got to go have a travel agent meeting and fly out of here, you know, from Buffalo. And meanwhile, Mark Wahlberg is, you know, at the grocery store.

the kids at a baby Bjorn. Could you imagine a tough guy with a baby born guy? Could you... What? Wait, what? Are you joking? What? And now here comes, and all I could say is

one of the many anonymous people of color he beats the shit out of or shoots in this movie. And you need to have them have lines. You need it to be like, well, hello, Devereaux. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah.

Funny meeting you here. Or remember the Panama job? No, Steve, they're not characters. No, they're just meat to be hit. But interestingly, this is a famed stuntman Lateef Crowder who's played Mando in the suit quite a bit. He's done a lot of cool

work. He does. This is when he, the action scenes are the best because there's some professionals working somewhere in the midst of it. I mean, they got a good action choreographer, good stunt you know, collaborators and everything. That is, I think, a very positive part

of this movie. I agree. And I think one problem I have with this scene is that the baby's dead. Yeah, oh, the baby is 100% dead. So dead. Then you just got a dead baby and your baby Bjorn. That's a dead baby Bjorn. Just use it as nunchucks. I just saw him like push

Latif. What's I forget? Lateef Crowder. Latif Crowder pushes him baby first into like a shelf unit. And I'm just like oh, the baby is several pieces of baby now. And there's like cans of like spaghetti sauce falling on them and stuff and I'm like dude that baby is

it's like a looney tune it's like doom do do do the baby seeing birds because he's not Roger rabbit and also like Mark Wahlberg very weirdly like because he's like so confident himself as a as a fighter's like let me just put the baby down bro you didn't even let me put the baby look no you have to run

and get that baby to safety and then you can fight this guy you can't just you can be doing backflips even like if you successfully punch someone with a baby Bjorn on you're probably fucking up that kid's ear you're probably you know what I mean like the baby's poor little neck is getting

shattered at every now and the kid is screaming oh yeah it's silent this whole thing no it's cheering him on this baby I think what's going on here is this baby is like one of those old souls

you know sure this baby was born having all the consciousness of its past life and so it's able to understand like oh this guy that's my dad now, he's getting in a fight and I got to chip. This computer baby like fist pumping in the air. Maybe it's

a Benjamin button and it only just now became a baby and it still has all those adult thoughts. I do like that idea but I do think I think you're closer. I think this is General Patton his soul is now in this baby and he's like, fighting! Let's go! Let's go

daddy. Fight that man. Well also like he runs into one of his neighbors from the neighborhood that he waved at earlier. run up and give that woman the baby. Oh my God, please hold on there. Please hold on just a second. Also weird about this? I mean, it is a, it's a slobber knocker.

Yeah, it is a straight up slobber knocker. All of this stuff is coming off the shelves. We're breaking fucking doors to freezers. I hope you get a slobber knocker on Thursday. And I got to tell you, people in this grocery store are not reacting appropriately. No, no, no, no. There's not a single person that's like yelling about calling security. Everyone's like basically continuing to shop.

Not a flood of people exiting the premises. There's just a very lame, tired, cleanup on aisle three kind of thing. Is there ever? And it's just him to be like, sorry about the mess. It's so, yeah, like, congratulations on the 50th anniversary

of the cleanup on aisle three just probably. Everyone, like there's people that know him here. Yeah. There's security. There's security footage. The cops are, would show up and question him at some point. Well, he's on the road by then, is he not?

Yeah, but they would find him. Yes, that is more accurate. He immediately realizes he's been burned, so he goes home. He's got a super special place for like a go bag kind of a thing. Right under the stairs, yeah. But you let the passports go out of date? I mean, come on. What are you doing?

It's the hubris, dude. He never thought he'd have to use it. He got comfortable disappointing his wife. And now he doesn't think about these things anymore. He needs new identities, new passports. He calls his friend in Vegas, is it? Arizona. He's in Arizona.

They're going to meet Vegas. And this is that dude, Saeed Tagamui from, he was the elder in John Wick three. That dude that's just like sitting in the desert and John Wick goes to him. And then he murders it. Bit around for forever.

Yeah. I love him. Yeah. So he's like the fixer here. So yeah, the whole thing that sets off what this movie will be is we will meet up in three days in Vegas. and the guy's like, why Vegas?

And Walberg is like, well, I haven't told my family the truth about myself yet. And it's easier to say that we're taking vacation to Vegas than it is going to wherever the fuck bumble, fuck Arizona that this dude lives is. It's easier for me to continuously lie about this thing that will in any reality destroy my life and my family for good. It's so ridiculous how long the farce goes on. But I guess that's the point. I guess we're supposed to be having fun with it. We're supposed to have. We do some of the fun we should be having is he's packing the back for everybody.

and oh, my daughter's panties. Look at these things. Oh, my God, it's disgusting. He packs all the bags. He rushes to first the school to pick up the kids. He picks up the, he's looking for the daughter. The daughter's supposed to be in whatever in the journal is a newspaper meeting. So it's like, oh, fatherly fail one.

She quit the newspaper months ago and didn't tell anybody. Where is she? He gives this girl $100 and says, oh, out by the blue. bleachers, which is funny because I would have guessed that. And then you expect them, like, to make it out or smoke. They're just sitting around and just talking. And then, of course, now you've got to put it in the script, one of them has to say that I'm a hot.

Oh, yeah, maybe. Which is the first thing this character says is like, because he comes up like, what are you doing here, beans? You're supposed to be at your newspaper meeting. You work so hard to become the managing editor. Andrea Zuckerberg is your favorite character. Zuckerman, excuse me. And so this girl is just like,

your dad's hot. Yeah. Thank you. Quota met. Remember when your friend said I was hot? Let's think about that and talk about it. You should listen to me because I'm hot. And then is it, where's your brother in chess club?

It's a record scratch. He ain't in chess club. Well, this was a weird detail about this high school. And I guess it's just like a massive Buffalo high school or something because he's like, where does the chess club meet and the same girl who thinks he's hot? says, oh, it meets in the math building? Wow. Yeah, that sounds like a college. Yeah. Sounds like we rewrote the script.

Private school, maybe. A little something, but this is clearly a public school. Yeah, it does look like it. So that's, it's kind of a weird line. But anyway, yes, goes there. Oh, you know, where's Kyle? Oh, he quit a while ago or whatever. Or no, the girl says he's not there. Where is he? We're driving back to the goon cave. What's a goon cane? You're gooning all day in there? And you didn't invite your old man? Oh, hell yeah. Just knocking on the door. Who?

What are you doing there? Who is a bell of danger? Why am I hearing a name all the time? I know. I understand time is of the essence, of course, but also like you're trying not to draw attention to yourself. Him doing this like, because he does it at the house and then when he pulls into this other kid's house right here,

we're not getting the whole car into the driveway. We're just barely pulling up while driving 90 down a suburban street. And the joke of that is that his neighbor, like he says hi to his neighbor, is like, hey. Yeah, the dude's freaked out because he's never seen Dan drive erratically. Oh, wow. Yeah, exactly. So he goes to the house and it's like, oh, where's the kid? And the daughter texts like, hey, big guy, dad's on their scheme or whatever.

And the other kid is like sitting out on the porch. doing homework or something and the kid, Kyle, walks out the front door as if to be like, oh, we've been hanging out. Then I don't have to open the garage door. You show you the Goon Cave. And this kid, I'm going to tell you this guy, this other fella here.

Samir, man. Samir, yeah, like this guy really in it for the money. And this is how it's so sad. He's 1,000% not friends with this kid. Because he's like, we've just been doing homework, right? Samir. And this kid, to this guy's face just goes,

you don't pay me to lie. Nice. Look in the garage, sir. See my Goon Cave I've been renting out. Finally morals in this fucking movie. I find them. Finally. So he's disgusted with both of his teenage children.

And it's like, all right, you're both grounded. We're going to deal with this later. We've got to go pick up your mom. I'm going to annihilate my family. Because we are going on this trip and you're going to be excited about it because I have not sexually pleasured your mother in years. And we need something here. Yeah.

I am. I do, I like Eric's idea. I do think this should be a prequel to the stepfather. This should be the original family that sets him into becoming the stepfather in other films. I like that. Other stepfather related. Look, he gets Terry will win for a cameo. Just a small one.

Three, is there three one? There is a third one. And then the remade. Oh, yeah. With the dude from, um, Nip tuck. There is a guy. Uh,

we go to Michelle Monaghan's office. She's a physical therapist. Of course, she has to be working on a horny old lady. Yes, nasty too. Because that's always hilarious at all times. See, this old lady's going to the physical therapy to be touched by, you know, people. She keeps asking if some other fella is working. There's going to be like a man that's going to caress her body.

Yeah, the man that clearly Michelle Monaghan is fucking behind Mark Wahlberg. You got to see that guy. That's the thing, right? And it's a dude. He's way taller than Walbert. A little younger. Is that big dicked bodybuilder here again? Are we going to fuck them together again?

I would love to watch again. I had such a fun time in the chair. The cock chair. So he puts it out there. He's like, hey, we're going to Vegas. Vegas, baby, Vegas. Pack your beans. She's like kind of obviously sort of disturbed by this.

Like, you've never wanted to leave the city limits since we've been married. Like, who are you? What is this? guy or whatever. And so one of the things she, this is a weird, it's a bad Walberg delivery that they should have noticed and done again is he goes, unless they think they're playing it for a joke, which is also a failure. But she's like, well, I don't have any, how are we just going to Vegas right now? I don't have anything. And he's, oh, we're doing a road trip. And all the money that we saved, we can just go. I got the basics packed. Once we get to Vegas, what he wants

to say is we're going to pull a pretty woman. Yes. And buy all these clothes while we're there with all the money we save from not having to buy plane tickets. But he definitely calls it pretty women. Oh. And I was like, do you even know what the movie is? Do you even know what joke? Greta Gerwig's pretty women. I saw it. That Bob Odenkirk movie. Oh, speaking of Bob Odenkirk, he did a similar movie, right?

Nobody. Nobody. He's like a former. Yes. And not my favorite movie. Not great. Yeah. It was fine. It's fine. It's fine. Nice to see Christopher Lloyd doing stuff. Yeah. so we have a we're trying to get out of the city and you know it's like there's a van of people already chasing them yes and he has to do things where like oh wow let me take this shortcut

and like I mean that's the thing is like this takes so long to keep going yes and the the feasibility like really loses itself he has to go you think he's in a switch cards at the car dealership but he realized he's being tracked right puts the car on like one of those beds that goes all the way up so he's looking for the, and all of the kids are in the car, they're like, can we come down now, please? And, like, you know, kids can tell, like, immediately when stuff is up with parents. Especially your wife.

What the fuck is this guy's problem? And, like, he is just, like, whipping the minivan around all these turns and shit. Well, if I'm the wife, and I'm just going through, like, the most depressing anniversary ever that we just had, I am thinking, I'm thinking family annihilators about that. He's acting fucking crazy. He's driving erratically.

I don't know what this is about. He took us out in the middle of school in the middle of the day. He's putting a cloth in the gas tank while the car's up and we're all trapped up here. He's got off, he's got his ditto out. No. There is no way I'll ever believe someone

like, hey man, cool, quick idea. Road trip to Vegas from the northeast. I'd be like, awful idea. Let's get a plane ticket. I packed your bags for you. That's a no. Right there. Red flag, red flag, red flag.

I folded your panties. They're in the, the bag, we're going. I don't worry. I found the sexy ones and I made sure I got them for you daughter. So he ditches them here by he takes the tracker off the car, puts it on a car of a co-worker who's just bought a sports car. And it's like, hey, he's like, hey, buddy. He's like the joke of the guy. He's got like a big veneer teeth. And it's like, why don't you go as fast as you want in this car? Any tickets you get, I'll pay for. And we get like a little at the end of the movie there's like a little news report that he did get a bunch of tickets. I want to see that scene.

Yeah. I want to see this. guy like driving and like maybe they shoot out his tires and they realize it's not him yes because at some point they have to come upon this car and be like oh it's not mark walberg and family let's keep but you never see them realize that mistake then they would kill him right yeah well yeah exactly he's just calling back let me just check back with the office yeah do i have any messages oh no i didn't hear about tom 30 pieces oh my god And they took out each of the teeth? Yeah, that is the last time you see this dude, though.

But I would. Him doing 150 while the king of wishful thinking is playing from the radio. That's a funny joke. I might be happy. It would be pretty good. So we're out on the road. And boy, oh, boy. I mean, you got to throw out the old because at the end of this movie, you're getting the new model iPhone.

So we got to throw all these cars out, or all these phones out the car window, rather. that one of those fucking things might be an Android. That's it. Oh, Android phones. Get these out of here. Burn them. We never really know the extent of the technology that Mace radar and

Maggie Q are using. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mance radar, right? Karen Hines, but yes. Yeah, okay. There could be tracking the phones. I thought that's where it was going with this. That is where it's going. No, but it's social media.

Yes. Right. Because I think the kid is like, oh, let me hashtag this. hashtag. By the way, one thing that happens. Yeah. They get in the car, they switch cars, whatever, and she's like, Michelle Bond has like, yeah, baby, Vegas. And first of two times happens. Yep.

She takes these shoes on. Yes. She puts them out the window. And then she takes her phone out like to text, but she's taking feedpicks. Oh, yeah. She has a secret side business. Yep. Is my guess. It's an only fans. Yeah. It's a feet up only fan. I took it that it was Big Dick Leonard back there. Oh. He has a little special.

thing. He likes to see the feet, the tootsies. Yep. But like, the fact that Warburton didn't clock that immediately is I'd be like, you take a feet picks? Those are for me only. And who are those feet picks for exactly? How much are you charging? We need to talk about your business.

Hey, baby, you're undercharging your feet only fans. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be your feet manager now. Definitely. Sweetie, you have beautiful feet. The best I ever seen. No, no, it's 50 grand. You know, he just ejaculates on him. You're a wrecking machine. I'm your feet manager.

Gotta rip those cords off. I didn't see if he put one out this year, but this may QT's top ten or what? Maybe. There are two tied up shots on this woman's feet. Yes. There they are.

You got to be like Dakota Fanning. Bam. Another foot. Bam! You want him a little. little dirty. You got to keep my little dirty. You got to smell them through the screen. Rock. You got, yeah, it's something to look at besides the kissy pics. Now you've got to chase this chicken around while I take pictures of your feet.

I mean, not much else. Hey, like I'm sweaty. Feet. So, uh, whatever. We're, we're on the road. Yes. He throws all the phones away and everyone's what? So then we got to go, I guess this is how. they justify. I mean, this is insane. But so he's like, all right, well, now that I threw out our GPS, we got to stop at a knockoff triple A to get like travel advice or whatever. And like, the gag of like,

this guy hasn't given out a map in so long that there's dust all of it. I'm like, he's just wouldn't even be here. You would have thrown him out or burned him for heat. But why would there be an office that sells maps and travel advice and you go in there and they're like, why don't you just use your phone? yes why would that why would that exist also that dude's not making employee of the month how did you get to that place

yes that's my first question luck yeah I guess yeah just you know lick your finger put it to the wind yeah oh triple A's that way bro but he bribes this guy because he's got like a bunch of assassin money that's been keeping on the slide

I think he tells the dude from John Wick three that he's got like 500 grand or something like that and cash on it he's got more than that because I think the 500 grand is going to John Wick guy and he must have like a mill or something. Yeah, okay. That makes sense. We got to kill people.

How many feet picks buys me a map? Just you and me talking here. I'm throwing in another big toe. A close-up. You got to wear strappy sandals, the highest straps you can find. And heels, heels, hail.

You got a gangle and you don't even know it. You're going to get the can of whipped cream and you knows what to do. We're going to be getting some pedicures, too. We're going to have it nice and tight. We're going to have you the top-ranked model on wiki feet by the end of the month. Great jelly, baby.

So whatever, yeah, he presents this dude. He's like, oh, how many points do I have in my account, bro? And sort of slips him a look at this big Wada Honda's. And this guy hooks them up, like, oh, you're a super diamond platinum exclusive member. I guess. Yeah, so they got a bunch of maps. He's like also make reservations for me all along the way.

Yeah. Okay. Sure. Okay. It winds up getting them this insane, like, sweet in Vegas at the end of the movie, you know, whatever. This is, so they're driving, they stop at the first motel. Killboy gets recognized by a girl while Mark Wahlberg is checking in. And like, this is a scene where, A, we're fighting out of this kid's famous, but B, uh-oh, she's going to post that on social media.

I thought he was going to, like, go up to her and, like, break her neck. Like, the old tricks are back again. We can't have a collateral damage. It would be better. Again, that's, that's causing him to break a sweat. And that's not going to be happening here. And also, I think he just, like, it's such an old man movie. Like, it's just, you have to underline at every corner.

Social media bad. Yes. Social media bad. And it's also going to kill us all. I'm talking about these big college so-and-so. Yes, of course. I do like systematic racism, which they just made up, by the way.

I never heard that when I was a kid. So they must have made it up. You know what? And I beat up a Vietnamese guy. Never heard anything about it. I was like the idea of Kieran Hines being on the kissy picks to find him to begin with.

Wait a minute. That's my son on the Kissy Picks blog. We're got to crack these kisses. I got to tell you, though. we talked about this a little bit last week with the reveal of Bill Murray. At least that's Bill Murray, you know what I mean? Like legend, I love Kiran Heinz. I do. I think he's great.

It sounds like you're about to insult him. I am. I'm going to go out of my way to insult him. Yeah, what are you doing a math? You kill it with kindness first, you see. But I do. And but like the end of this movie where it's like, it was, like, because you don't know who's pulling the strings, right? No, you definitely do. He shows up at their house.

But it is another big, like, feet first going up. And it's like, here it comes. And it's like, Karen Hyde. Yes. Yes. Exactly. It's the anticipation of a really big cameo or guest starring role. Kieran Heinz, you know, great, great guy, but not the kind of dude. No. Unless this was only for the audiences in Belfast. And then it was like, wow. A lot of possible. People passed on it clearly. Oh, yeah. Well, that's, I mean, you would, I mean, what you

at least I, I was like, oh, well, that was supposed to be Mel Gibson. Oh, that could have been. The partnership should continue, I suppose. Daddy's home into fucking father, I forgot about those. Is Mark Wahlberg in those? Yes. Oh, yeah. He's the main character. And then Bell Gibson is his daddy. And Mel Gibson is his daddy in the second one. Oh, boy. With John Lithgow as Will Ferrell's. Oh, boy. Am I watching Daddy's home too? But of course you are. Eventually it's happening. I was like, oh, it's Kieran Haidt's, Tinker Tailor, Soldier, Spies, Kieran Heinz. And again, I love the guy. Yeah, sounds like you don't.

Like, oh, fuck, Dumbledore's brother, oh, fuck. Dumbledore has a brother? You're going to play by Kieran Heinz later on in the series. Is that the goblet? What? Oh, I, no, I think he appears in the latehly hall later on. He's breaking dawn. It's the, no. That's, no.

Wait, that's different. That's twilight. That's, you've already seen that. movie. You're right. He's also, what was the, okay,

Harry Potter at the end, they split it up. Yes, it was called Hallows. Yes. That sounds, that sounds too much like breaking dawn.

Anyway, go ahead. I'm just going to say, again, because I love this guy so much. He looks like shit in this movie, this haircut is horrible.

Yes. This long, it's a long, like it's a mullet. It looks like he's always just gotten out of the shower. It looks like he always just got out of the dye shower.

Exactly. He looks more like, the middle of Bruce Davison turning into jelly, the knot. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if you were to pause that scene in X-Men, like, not like that what he's like holding on to storm. Like what he goes,

what he pushes his face through the jail bars? That's what we're all going to look like if we're lucky. But that's true. But you know what? I do, I prefer him good and dry. Like, there will be blood level. Yes. There's not much wetness there. Also, because like, just with that look, I'm supposed to also buy

that this dude is the leader of this paramilitary super successful assassin squad. Not buying it. Yeah, you look way too much like a scumbag for that. And Eric, you were calling him Man's Radar because I remember, and I watched it. He was the king beyond the wall, right. And like,

that dude was so cool looking. He had a skull hat and everything. And he did jack shit that entire time. The Lord of Bones. Yeah. I was like, oh, I can't wait for that guy to do something. And then nothing. That's true. There is a funny thing with the parking lot because Killboy, Killboy has a thing like when Killboy wins a game

he kind of does like a it's a combo of like Wakanda forever and then like a two gun kind of thing and that's like his sign off or whatever and Walberg sees him do that from afar and they don't they don't put this much of a point on it but it's a real like

is my boy throwing up gang signs what was that hand thing? What and rap hip hopper does that and specifically also the girls not white. Let's just be clear about that as well. So he's like, wait, who is he talking to? Why? Yeah. So because, again, she's like, he's like,

oh, is she going to post that? And he's like, yeah, it's a picture. And she was born before or after 9-11. Yes, of course. Also, don't ruin this for me on this close. Exactly. I'm right there. Just to fucking deal with it. So he's like, oh, well, never mind. Can't stay

at this motel. They're all filled up. And this is Michelle Monaghan. You have to look around this empty-ass parking. lot with most of these motel room lights are off and it's like they're filled up what's going is that you're going to kill us all right now because i mean here's the thing i'm always worried i don't trust anybody like honestly like my wife i'm like oh what's that but what's in this food you know you just can't you can't ever let your guard down that's true i agree i understand so steve uh sleeves with a gun under his pillow it doesn't know how to shoot it but he has

just just to be oh that's like a lot of people of this country actually. And then this comes, and your gag sucks so bad. It's awful. It double sucks. One because the gag in and of itself is the whole car it's late at night, Mark Wahlberg's driving.

Everyone's got headphones on. He can control what they're listening to. Now this is the thing. I'm not going to pretend to know for a second about modern car technology. I firmly believe that you could yes all at once group Bluetooth connection. Sure. So he does that.

And everyone's listening to Enya while this action scene's about to happen. And I'm like, this is really lame, but I get it. But it's even worse because it doesn't commit to the bit. Because the way to do that is Enya plays the entire time during the action sequence. You're not even hearing stuff. You're just like listening to Edias. But no, it flips back and forth between generic score that we're playing. Which is a mistake.

A humongous mistake. Definitely. It would have been better just playing the music and silent and killing these guys silently. to the music. It would have been a lot better. Wasn't there another, and now, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I had like Dejavu. I feel like there was another Enya needle drop recently. I got to think about it, but you're correct.

I think it's the same song. It is, it was always this song. This was the there, there's more song. It's just Ocarina flow or something like that. Something, something flow is the one that. Sure. I mean, but like this is, it's, this is 20, 23. And we're making

any jokes. And also, maybe it's just me, but this song isn't that bad. Yeah, I like. You know, it's a cool song. Again, that's why I want it to be set to this scene. And you're totally right because when you see, you see the acknowledgement that it is diagetic because you see him hook in the headphones

and you see him turn the song on. And after that, you're off to the races. You know that that's what is in their headphones and this action scene can take place. I mean, I think the thing that annoyed me about this was that it seems, at least half the scenes in the car are music-based. Yeah.

Like, they're just like, here, play a little song. We skipped over them embarrassingly singing Ice Ice Baby on the road. I'm sorry. Again, the way that he said, do Walburgers, he absolutely said, maybe we put good vibrations in this. You know, who can't? Maybe we try it.

He must have hated Vanilla Ice back of the day. He had to have. Because, A, people were probably calling him Vanilla Ice derisively like you know what I mean here's another oh hey vanilla ice you know vanilla bean ice bro you got born out of a dunkin you fucking loser so like

he must have really choked him with rage to have to like kiss the ring here because hey like no one's singing that song because nobody gives a shit vanilla ice beat you Rob Van Winkle Rob Van Winkle has beat you Mark Wahlberg

well because the other well the thing about the marking mark and the funky bunch song was everybody remembers well that It's good five, right. Nobody remembers what the fuck he was. I found the... Go to the move. Doop do you do whatever.

I found the other Enya needle drop of the exact same song, Grand Tarismo from this year. That's why I didn't get to the bottom of it. Yeah, yeah. Like, because the race car, the kid... Here's the thing. It's also a Twitch guy kind of thing. Here's the thing.

I think there's another one too. I think there's one from like a year or two of that. And that's a hat. There's more Enya. There apparently was in the boss baby colon family business. That might be

because I did see that and we decided not to do it for many reasons. Oh, there's another boss baby movie? The second band. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a little too hot off the trail of something very bad happening. Oh, right. That's why we didn't do it. Anywho. But yeah, so the weird, like, here's the thing. I feel like in this room,

I probably was a little more tolerant of this movie than others. it's fine. But one of the things that I despise about it is the fact, again, this overly sentient baby

who's like cheering on the carnage and everything. The baby genius, bro. And then we're working in shit where it's like, how can the baby's accoutrema assist the story? And he's like waterboarding

this dude with the motorcycle helmet and he puts the bottle up in it and squeezes it. The dude's like drowning. Because I'd be throwing up in my motorcycle. Hey, bro. Oh, enjoy my wife's breast milk.

Also, the thing about enjoy my wife's breast milk is also what I don't like here, because it's like until the third act, and then it's different. But he's doing everything he can in the first two acts of this movie to not kill people. Yes. You know, and it's like, oh, what can I do? Oh, I'll squirt him with the baby formula and then he'll fall off the motorcycle. Meanwhile, he's driving this fucking Ford Windstar, with a gun in his hand.

Shoot that guy in the face. Joke's on you. That's my thing. Get waterboard me with it. Give me more of the tit milk. I needed the tit milk. That's the girl. That's the one they follow on the foot web site.

I agree. This is an excellent way to do. I agree with you, Andrew. You should have shot this guy in the face. And then we cut to a reaction shot of the baby and it's a sprayed with blood. Still give it a thumb. And it gives a big, like, homeblown face. Like, oh, yeah, it loves it.

Because, I mean, the other thing is we are definitely doing, like, CGI baby. It's unsettling throughout. So that the whole action sequence ends with he convinced, he makes another dude on the motorcycle fly up into a poster for an accident attorney law firm, like injured in an accident. The dude, it's kind of funny. And we wake up in all the places in all the world, southern Iowa, which is where the daughter wanted to chase the boyfriend to go to school.

And she's like, hey, if we're just so. to be here. Can we go visit the school that way? You guys can see what a great school it is and I can hopefully go here one day. Mom, you know, we're about to be murdered by, you know, assassins. Or dad. You can get day drunk. Do you want to get day drunk? Because we get my dad's driving.

I mean, hey, that's true. Why don't you go and get your beer on? Because that's what she, they're walking through it. She wants to see Trevor. But she's like, look, it's a nice school. All this thing. And that of course, some guy that's like checking out Michelle Monaghan's ass He was like, oh, damn. And then it turns around.

It's like, oh, no, baby. Dude, this guy is holding back vomit when he sees the baby. You're a, you're a, you're a, blah, blah, blah, man, you're over the hill. You're a, ma, ma, ma, ma, mom, you're a, but mothers can't have sex. Somewhere, somewhere. Yeah. John Cho and other guy from American guy are like, this guy's fucking talking nasty about Milves? Get the fuck out of here.

Fuck the family plan, bro. I would like to believe that Mark Wahlberg did put a call in the Joncho, like, look, bro, we're looking for people to fill out the cast. Want to bring back your American Pie character? He's a professor at Southern Iowa University. That's right.

My whole thesis, it's right here. She does a kegstand. She does a kegstand. Not too shabby. Mark Wahlbergs gets visibly erect from He's horny as hell, dude. Rightfully so. Really nails this kex and all these dudes are like, wow, I was so cool.

You're like the queen of campus now, you know. And it's just like, where did that come from? Oh my God. And then here comes Chekhov's javelin also because we're walking past. She's like, I used to be a decathlete and I used to be able to do all this stuff, pole vaulting. He's like, oh, you ever have sex on the pole vault, Matt? And she's like,

I'm not telling Can we talk about anything but say? And she's like, oh, you know, he's like, do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you didn't tear your ACL? Right, right, right. There was talk about her going to the Olympics or something. Yes, and that was the other thing

when you figure out like how old they are or whatever because they say the Athens Olympics, which I think it was like 0-4 or 05 or something like that. So they're playing people much younger than they actually are, is the idea. Probably. Well, I mean, Michelle Monaghan's like, like 47 or something

like that. So and Mark Wahlberg's 68. 52. I looked it up because I wanted to see what kind of age disparity was going on here. Five year difference. That soul is at least 88 though. Oh yeah. Oh, I'm an old soul, bro. Don't worry

about it. But the bad kind, not like the sweet and wise kind. Yep. Hey, bro, my soul fought in the Civil War for the South. It's a decrepit demon mouth. It's an old soul. but whatever. So then he beats the shit out of an innocent German man

or almost beats the shit out of him. It was kind of funny. Yeah. A whole like he's got like the gold chain, this beard like a flashy blazer. You see like a tattoo on the wrist. So he's like arguing with him in German and eventually it's just like, oh wait,

you're just a German guy? He's like, yeah. Well, it's kind of funny because, yeah, he's like, oh, I love the Germans. He's like, what do you got that briefcase, bro? And he's like, I have corn, yeah. And it's like, oh, court in Iowa. Very, very original.

Let's go, motherfucker. Yeah. And then the real bad guy shows up. Some huge Albanian dude runs in here. Just another anonymous heavy. Yes. And this is another instance of like, so they're getting into it in a science lab.

The two of them, it's again, a real slobber knocker, beating the shit out of each other. And there's so many moments. There's like a scalpel. There's all sorts of glass beakers and bunners, out the ass and whatever. And this fight is won by Mark Wahlberg.

like force pushing this guy 15 feet across a room into a wall and he just falls down and it's like, no, no, no. That scalpel needs to go in that dude's karate. Yeah, that dude drops dead. Shove it in his eyes. He's going after your family, dude. That's the only way to be sure.

Exactly. Easy. Easy. Uh, but no, meanwhile, uh, what's her face is going to go see Trevor and oops a doodle. Oops a doodle. He's got his doodle in another girl. Exactly. Oops a doodle. Turkey drop time, dude. What the fuck did you think was going to happen, Needer. Yeah.

Well, that's another, like, I mean, along with the, like, knowing exactly what's happening with Maggie Q, like the minute, you're like, oh, he's fucking somebody. Of course. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're ahead of this. And like, Mark Wahlberg has to be right. He has to be right. Of course. He's father knows best. Yes. And also, these

lip tards are to come and fill your little baby girl's ears with dog shit. Until it comes out their mouth. And then they're going to cheat on them. Probably with men. And then they're not going to buy property in Miami because they're going to hear all the rumors. Yeah, she goes to the door and it's like, hey, let's, can I come in? And he's like, let me put some pants on and get.

And as soon as you, yeah, as soon as he opens the door, I mean, you know. And it's like there's some other girl there. And she just, it's a big like, do you mean to tell me you, a college freshman miles away from your hometown is cheating on me, a high school senior you thought you'd never see again? I can't believe it. Are you telling me, you want to have sex with two women at the same time? And this is kind of annoying because, and this could have been a tighter screenplay moment.

She goes down, tells the father, you know, and Mark Wahlberg teaches her about the pressure points. Yeah. Kishu Jitsu, dude. And then she comes back. And that's the thing.

It's just like, do it all in one scene. Let her do it that. Like she leaves. We're in the parking lot. Yeah. Comes back. We get another scene with Trevor.

other scene with the girl he's with, and she does the arm thing on him. She teaches, he teaches that to her earlier for some other reason. Sure, yeah, like the world's a dangerous place, beans. It's like Dominic Swain and face off. Yeah, exactly. Twist it. And also, she doesn't do this later in the movie to all of these terrorists that are coming to get her.

Well, she would come back. They each get a moment. That's her moment. The boy gets it later when he operates the drone, and that's all she wrote. Yeah. You ain't getting any more of that in a Mark Wahlberg script, buddy. That, I mean, we're going to, I have to, I have, you just set me off on the drone thing. I have to back off from that.

So they wind up going to a motel. This is when we finally have raucous sex. Oh, yeah, we do. That it's just straight ripping off the fucking bring it on toothbrush scene. Them Michelle Monaghan and Himblen, they're both at the mirror brushing their tea. Okay. It's literally the same exact thing. Got it.

Yeah. And well, this is another weird thing. It's like he gets out of the shower looking like Mark Wahlberg. And the guy takes care of himself. Sure. Yeah, prayers up. He takes care of his body and his soul. And his face.

And not his mind. But he steps out of the shower and she's brushing her teeth like she's looking at a total stranger. And I'm like, well, does he shower with a shirt on? How have you not seen this before? Why is this the first time? like he's different today. No, he's driving, he's being spontaneous.

Yes, I like spontaneous dance. But she specifically gives his abs like a up and down at a glance, like, where have those been all my life? And I'm like, right there. It's been Mark Wahlberg physically the whole time. You're not wearing your female body inspector shirt like you usually do in the shower. I always shower with my FBI shirt on, bro.

You're not wearing your Bill's Triet shirt. You know, the shirt that you put. trees. You don't even have your swimsuit on with the bullseye right where the dick is. Yeah, wild sex. And you know it was wild because, uh-oh, there's a lamp on

the floor. Oh, boy. Yeah. Projectile shot that. No, that was going someplace. Oh, yeah, shove it up. Shove it up my ass, bro. It's the only way I can shoot. Put the whole light up there. Let's see. Let's make a tunnel. Maybe her foot kicked it.

Good. Oh, no. Did the canary die in my ass? That means the gas is not safe for human consumption. Baby, don't worry. I can handle it. Whatever you're going to put up there, I can take. He wasn't an international super spy. Dude, he had to take something.

That's true. That's all for the job for England, James. No, Alec, for me. Oh, you got me dumb Deloisan. I love it. So the next day they're pretty much good. They get to Vegas, right? It's the idea they finally get to Vegas.

He does have a funny exchange with the ID dude where he calls up and he's like, hey, tomorrow, Vegas, baby. And he's like, yeah, I'm working on it. No problem. I mean, I'm with a customer right now. I'm building fake IDs for college kids. Oh, yeah. It's a really funny thing where it's like the kid is wearing a college jacket.

That's the first. That's the first time you see him. Oh, okay. Well, it's just he's wearing a college thing. He's like, hey, if you're trying to not look like a college student with his ID, maybe take that jacket off. and he's like got it and he takes it up and it's like the same college t-shirt underneath. We should say that there's a very stupid

laser tag scene that I don't want to talk about. Yes, yes. It's like, all right, I'll bet you that I'll get you at the laser tag and then you could do on Twitch and I'll, then if I win, I get to play catch with you. Which is, yeah, if I win, you get to play Twitch.

And like the thing is like, yeah, because I'm really good at Twitch. I'd be really good at Lasert. No, no, he wouldn't. He would be very good at laser tag because he's a professional assassin. Yeah, right. And knows how to hold a gun.

The other Enya Needlejap was Granturismo, which is about how gaming actually means you can drive a race. They will. He's got you there, Steve. Colin, based on a true story. All two hours and 16 minutes of it, I heard. Orlando Bloom did all that. That's where he's been all these years. I remember when that movie was coming out, there was like a 20-minute Alamo presentation.

Yeah. Trying to explain to you that this is a real movie that's coming out. Right. And what it's about. This is not a joke. Sit down. This is not a joke. It's a real movie.

No snickering. Hey, put your phone down. Someone actually did this. He asked question from the audience. Is this a joke? Look, we got the Stranger Things guy. We got him here. David Harbor.

He's here to do things. It's Harvard is basically, this really happened. It's just a crazy story that this, it really did happen. And now we're making a movie about it. I'm so excited. You want to see the PlayStation logo for two hours? Come on out. It's crazy.

You know, you do this. And then, like, you just got these mortgage payments. And they just, you know, they sneak up on you every time, every month. Any of you guys get into it back in the late 90s with Lasertag? Never did. I've never seen, far too active. I've never even seen a laser tag facility. Oh, really?

I did it once. I hated it and never returned. Did you go to the place by the Hollywood video? Yes, I did. Yeah, dude. I had a birthday party there one time. We were into it, man. I did laser tag a lot.

And, like, all I could think about in this. scene was like boy how far must laser tag technology have come like back in the 90s it was kind of like did you hit the thing yeah it was just bean bags you're shooting bean bag guns I mean like more or less work but it was amazing to see how little that shit has changed of course not like they go in the place and I'm like this looks like the place by the Hollywood video back home that burn down 20 years ago you know what I mean like it's just the same stuff and like I was stunned that was still around. That's a, that's a fool me once situation. First for that, but then also when people started getting into escape rooms, I'm like, just a little bit familiar. I'm not doing this.

But in this scene, we got, you know, obviously Mark Wahlberg wins, but barely because, oh, at least I don't need a DNA test. Oh, that's right. That little chestnut. You're definitely from my cum. I just know it. I know it for sure. It's like my cum grew up. Turned it to a person. You got the kill jean, bro. I'm so happy for you. You got the kill jizz. I guess the jig is up so it doesn't matter. But like, if you're trying to not say that you're this dude, like, you got to let this kid win.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you kick my ass, bro. He didn't say it yet to them, right? He has known. He was, because the scene starts off. He's thinking about telling the wife, which he still has not done. And then his stupid kid walks in. He keeps doing it.

One-sided rehearsal of like, well, when you met me? Blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then they go to Vegas. They do go to Vegas. They show up in Vegas. They have this insane suite. Yep. That overlooks the Planet Hollywood, by the way.

Oh, what a view of that Planet Hollywood, which I guess, is this like a Vegas specific logo for Planet Hollywood? Probably. Or did the institution change the logo all the good? Well, I'm telling you right now, I bet you they're saying, well, this is the new one because we're unveiling it for fucking the family. Oh, sure. some of the product placement in this movie

is truly astounding to me there is a Doritos Did everybody see this? A couple of times the Doritos pops up in this movie The one that really was like They made it clear They're getting out of their car And the bag just falls on the ground

Yep And they have to make it clear That you can see Doritos on the bag It lands logo side up This is body by Doritos You know that's how I got my abs Storitos. There's that. There's definitely a, the kid blows up an empty tomatoes bag and pops it at one point. They all laugh at him. Yeah. Yeah. So they

roll into town all singing Edward Sharper the Magnetic Zero's, which it is almost 15 years too late for that needle drop. Sorry about that. We do get wet leg here all as well. Wet leg is in a Vegas montage. So it's like, yeah, insane sweet. All right, we're going out to dinner. You know, you disgusting children stay in this room the door doesn't get unlocked he's like

it's the one instance in a movie I think where the dad is encouraging the kids to pick from the mini bar there's a bunch of snacks and stuff in the big mini bar

that's all you're gonna eat don't go outside because tomorrow I'm gonna be killing you all I mean we're gonna be going to we're going to be going to a nice

dinner but I mean it does I mean you're right Chris because like where would he get the money for this you'd be like so this

like a goodbye dinner? Like, what are we doing here? No, instead, tomorrow you're going to have a new identity, a new name, and you're going to never do Twitch again, never do your real life again, and move to Vancouver.

And you're just going to read in a room somewhere. Which actually is probably a trade-up. Sorry, Buffalo, I love you, but. He's going to do, he's going to tell her at the dinner. It's a French dinner. Yeah. And like something,

something he has to accidentally speak French. So, like, That derails the thing. The waiter comes up and asks in French if he would like some fresh ground pepper. Yes. And Walberg responds, you know, with much more than that. And the guy is like, oh, hey, man, they kind of just teach us some of these phrases to sound fancy or whatever. And she's like, oh, my God.

Like, I didn't know. Because he is, by the way, spoken fluent German to the guy at the college campus. So she's like, you didn't tell me you speak two foreign languages. Like, you know, what, you know, what else can you say? And he delivers this long monologue. He tells her here everything in French. And what do you guys think is going on here? Is he phonetically reading from a card?

Is this dubbed later with a French person? A.I. A deep fake. Yes, deep fake AI is my bet. I have your piece. So in your peace situation. That's my feeling. Holy V francis.

Exactly. Because like, bro. It sounds decent. It sounds fluid enough at least. Oy. What? I'm saying yes. I'm saying yes.

Ooi. But like he does give an impassioned French speech and she's like, you know, everything sounds better in French. L.O.L. Fish called Wanda for the 107th time. She's so horny here though. Like she's ready to leave this dinner cold. and go back to the hotel room. So, yeah, that happens. They go out.

They go on the casino floor, doing some gambling. While they're doing this, the kids have been told to stay in their rooms, but seeing the murder that is about to happen to them in the morning, they take the baby out. I assume they pack their bags full of food for the long road away from their father. We're just living on the streets of Vegas now, dude. We couldn't say mom, you know, she's got to fend for herself. We're going to go. We're going to hang out at, like,

The Twitch fucking mansion We're going to the hyper X arena The castle God and here's the thing Do you think

I'm not making any more bets because I've done that and I've lost Yeah Is there ever going to be a movie where

professional gaming is going to look exciting? I don't know if that's possible where you have to be in the room for it to matter You know what is it's not even It hasn't even gotten

better from like The Wizard still makes it more exciting. Oh yes. than anything I've seen recently. But, you know, there's so many card game movies, and that doesn't look exciting. No, it doesn't. There's nothing to it.

But, like, I can, like, that's the thing is if it would have to be something like, it has to be something simplistic. Like, I, it's seeing like someone play, like, Tick, Toc toe in war games. There you go. Stuff like that. Yes, that is more

generally, more like visually engaging than like full, like full metal jacket or something like that. I would fight card games. I think like poker can be exciting in movies. Really? I mean, like, if it's just sort of like, if you do it right. If you do it right, what does this guy have?

So you're of the card generation. Yeah. I think younger people would view this and be like, wow, this is exciting. But they don't like the cart, to this point, like with a cart, you can build tension between movements. There's never attempt to do that in a video. On your right. On your right. Oh, you got him.

Get him over there. Get him over there. Got him. Got him. Oh, good. Well, and then the, you know, it's like, I'll call. yes and that's that's that is more exciting because there's a gravitas there's a timing there's a timing there's an act you have to follow the timing that is true but I'm just

saying because I'm you know a very young guy it's really I just turned 25 a big gamer too Eric over here that I'm trying to ingratiate myself with the younger listeners yes Portal 2 master Eric Siska I think it's going to be very exciting one day I think if you like the reason what things like I don't know Mario 3 and yes, Tic Tecto and poker, these are all like games you're aware of.

Yeah. Right? And I think part of this with this movie is I don't know whether or not that game's real. Yeah. If it is, maybe people were getting more enjoyment out of watching it. I will say Grant Tarismo is more exciting than this in terms of that. Right. Because that's a real thing. They build

tension in that movie. That movie is not entirely fake. It's not good. No. But they try more this movie. I will say there is, I have, like, I've seen playthrus of Fortnite, like, two, three minute, uh, playthrus of like someone's like, oh my God, watch this and see how many guys I got. It's what all our friends kids do. Yes. There is ways to build tension through that. There are

there, there is some tension to it if you do it right, but they just don't care. They just want you to know that he won the day. Well, it's just a signpost on the way to the end of the movie here. So it's not as concerned with the ship. She meets, they meet, uh, this professional Twitch player. And he's like, hi, I like you. Do you like me? She's like, yes, I do. And he's like, well, why don't your brother take my spot at this professional Twitch contest so I can flirt with you and your baby. If I'm the other kids on that team, I'm like, what the fuck? Hey, man, you're like the ace guy. Yeah. What are you doing? Also, well, they don't, they do know who Killboy is.

Great question, Chris. How old is she? My whole team might be like, how old he did. Dude, another one of these? We're not getting into this again. Rewen up to Dan? Yeah, Dan's not on the team anymore. Why do you think? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but yeah, so he is a little bit, Kyle is a little bit of a celebrity here because people are, like, holy fuck, are you killboy? Yeah, get the fuck up there, man. So he has his little, like, moment of glory playing

this game. Would you believe it? He's good, and he wins. Yeah, it's crazy. He wins. The one girl dies. It's like, oh, man, it's all up to you. And it's like, what's going to happen here? you wonder you really do wonder uh and so yeah he wins the day and you know shame on these parents and shame on this ex assassin bringing all this on his family because that dude was definitely getting a hand job tonight absolutely for sure you won the big battle at the whatever ex turn it who's jerking him off well the other girl the girl who's well worked doing the thing the second on the team oh is that how it works well she's way into her she's very jerked off by the second

I mean, she is very flirtatious with him. At the very least, the man has bought himself six months of sex with this lady while he goes back to Vegas. They're Gen Z, you know, they don't have sex. Well, he said sex. Uh, wait, what? Sex, like text. Sex to me, Sean's phone number.

Oh, yes, dude. He's got to go back to the wastelands of Buffalo and she's staying in Vegas. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's true. Yeah, just maybe a little naughty picture there. Yeah, there you go. noddiness. We get back to the suite. We don't check on the kids, which is kind of wild. They're just like, oh, we're going to fuck.

Well, he, no, so he, they're like doing well at the craps table or something. He's like, hey, bro, I'm going to call the kids real quick. And he calls up to the room, no answer. He says, hey, the kids didn't answer. Do you want to go back up to the room? She says, sure. They go up there. There's this blinking you miss it. She opens the bedroom and it's two fake She's Bueller. We're Bueleary. Okay. She's like, oh, good. kids like and here's the thing she's so crazily horny after all the French speaking

and the gambling winnings that she's like yeah yeah it's two mounds of sheets those are the kids that's fine I mean I know what she's going through I know for a fact when I know that my partner is just lying through his teeth I just I just know I'm like I'm horny as fuck

just yeah I know you are keeping many things from me right now I can't wait to fuck you it's exciting it's like little mysteries yeah it blown And so we're, she's like, oh, give me 30 seconds to get ready. And then we're going to pound town tonight. Don't worry about it. And, uh-oh, the assassins are in the room.

There's a, the suite is so it's got like, she's got a remote control that could give music. Love mist is what we're dealing with. That doesn't make it. Vegas, baby. Saves his life, though, that mess. That's right. Yeah, she hits the love mist button,

which is just smoke machines, which is like fog lamp kind of things. And you said this woman's an actress. of some note Michelle Monaghan No no the one of the first assassins Is there a lady assassin here? Yes it's a snoop from the wire

Felicia something Is one of the assassins That she speaks not a word in this movie Excellent Yeah so it's like we're getting into it right here And wouldn't she know it There's two dudes that start like spraying Fucking bullets right away

Mark Wahlberg jumps behind a bar And these two guys are standing by a fireplace So he's like assassin mode I'm gonna throw some booze at that fire cause a big explosion. Well, he picks up a bottle of Fletcha Azul or Fletka Azul. It's a brand of tequila that he has invested in. Of course. This is Mark Wahlberg

Celebrity Tequila. I'm telling you, it's always the thought. Sometimes he gets it through. Sometimes he gets it through. Like he's always thinking about it. I would real hot soup. I need a really super alcohol but also refreshing and delicious. Well, hello there. I mean, it may as well be Stephen. It's not any more subtle than what happens, which is what made me look at up in the first place because he throws it.

And the CGI bottle comes perfectly into frame in slow motion where you can read the label. Oh my God, it's amazing. So yeah, big shootout, whatever. Now she's like, they've had a gun to her head. This dude, another assassin comes out. It's another guy who you've seen has been chasing him through the whole movie.

Walberg, this is like the first moment, finally. And the last, whatever this is, like half hour of this movie, he throws a knife and it hits the dude in the eye. And I was like, okay, now we're killing people. Can we please just keep killing people now? Let's go. This might be our last minutes on earth, babe. We should open the prayers up app

and make our peace with God before we leave this earthly plane. She throws up, but he's like, oh, everybody throws up their first time. He explains what's going on. We have to find the kids, right? It's more like, we'll talk about it. Yeah, do you want to talk about this now? And she does have a funny, like, I have eyeball on me right now. It's pretty good.

We go to the hyper-X thing again, and we're getting the kids wrangled up here. And it's like, see, Dad, look, I'm not a loser. I'm not, I want the thing. It's like, yeah, I don't care if you're going to get a hand job after this. We've got to get out of here. And then this is when, like, this other lady starts chasing them. Another action scene, it's fine. She gets run over by a car and stuff.

He slowly kind of pushes a car. at her, which is weird, and then he shoots her a little bit of a chest double tap. Right. And she's got a bulletproof vest on. Only time a bulletproof vest is used, we got to get the kids, we're running out the hotel, and it's, it is kind of a funny thing. They're like, what's going on? He explains everything

exactly how it goes, and the kids just laugh at him. Yeah. It's like, Dad, you're too much of a loser to do any of that. You're the biggest coward, I know. Mom told us about the slushy, and, but he finally does sit them down by a pool in a motel and explain like, yeah, tomorrow we have to leave

our old lives or else that's going to happen and everyone turns on him a really bad joke. The kid who plays the boy is named Van whatever the hell his name is. The actor, yes. Yeah, the actor and he's like, my my new name is Van, what? That's the name of a car.

He looks at the camera. I wonder if that was just a fun take that they left in instead, you know? Because we are having fun. Rock eyes with me. I said van. But everyone tells him to go fuck himself three ways from Sunday here.

Michelle Monaghan pulls out the travel card that she got from Maggie Q at the beginning of the movie. It's like, this is how I'm going to get my family out of here. Beboop, pop. Next morning, it's like they wake up. They're going out. Where are you going, bro?

Oh, we're getting out of here. Duncan? If you come back, that is, give me the following. You're going to get the corpses, baby? But yeah, so it's like, oh, we're going to this airstrip. Here's Maggie Q again. We get on the plane and she's like, oh, yeah, it's just crazy.

You know, I went hunting after my ex. I flew to this city and found him and realized he'd married a fucking plain Jane piece of shit. And it's like, oh, the turn. What a surprise. She's in on it. Now, the family is captured and taken to Kieran Heinz. He's on the plane. And they do another like, here he is all.

on the plane. I'm like, yep, we know. I'm a big old bullfrog now. Why do I smell icy hot? Hello. You know what? This comes from being an entitled asshole. Just fly commercial. What are you calling a fucking trail?

I need to get a flight from Vegas to Buffalo. I'm sure you can find one. Well, she has no money and no phone. So it's, I guess this is the move. Can't kill anybody on a commercial fly. So we learned that, oh, yeah. like he is uh he's called in everybody the greek mafia we're told is coming in here and okay mark walberg

if you want your family back like he facetimes him at one point he's like i have your family if you want him back meet me at this which i guess is kind of because you see this so much in movies where Vegas is involved right there's always a hotel that's about to be demolished like in all times yeah there's like old Vegas is what i've heard is basically it's the other side of town that it's just been that it's just one by one we're just drop them so we go to one of these and it's like up at the top floor that's where you're going to find me

and that's where the rest of your family is going to be brr, you see. Rip-b-dip, bit-de-p-dip. And, you know, we get up there. It's a big fucking dick waggling contest but the big reveal, of course. This is Grandpa. Oh, boy.

Unnecessary, man. In his big speech to the family, he says there was this guy that was like a father to me that took me under his wing. And I became his number one assassin. Right. And they're like, how many people did you kill?

Don't worry about it. Like a father to me. He's like acting like Anakin Skywalker was killed. Well, I was telling the truth from a certain point of view. You didn't think about it. For a certain point of view, I'm right. He was like a father. Fathers are like fathers.

Now I'm just thinking, dude, Mark Wahlberg and Star Wars. Don't say it. Yeah, it's going to happen. I'm not going to be making any Mara and Jail. Bates, I'll tell you that much. How about Dash Rendar? You want some action on Dash Render? What's Vegas have to say about Dash Render?

Oh, they got it. There's some guy out there who's got those odds. $100 later these days. Listen to the Gleap Glossary this month, folks. So, yeah, it's like, okay, like, Kieran Heinz gives him the ultimatum here. It's like, either I kill your family or you come back and work for me and they can go off and don't worry about it.

And by the way, when you come back, you've got to fuck back your cue as well. Yeah, it sounds like a real sentence to hell. Yeah, I don't know why I sound like a bullfrog. He just looks and sounds like a bullfrog. I don't know. I don't even know what that is. It's not Ribbitt. That's for damn sure.

But so like he's something, something. He agrees to do it. And then Kieran's like, all right, well, the family can go. I'm a man of my word. Hey, dude from that show. Alcatraz among other things bringing them down on the elevator this guy Spiros is the character

and now they're like the kids are like I think we probably should help dad you know and there's like this thing which comes up later is like mommy you might have gotten super strength if you tried you know like the mom with the baby in the car and this guy explains what that is and I mean this guy

it's one of the better deaths I've seen in a long time it's not bad it's a used diaper a shitty diaper into his face into his fucking stupid face and she runs him off a railing and he plummets

hundreds of stories to his death now I would prefer this to being set on fire alive but this is about as bad it's a close second the last things you do on this earth is smell baby shit

while feeling the wind bringing you to death smell and probably taste his mouth is probably a little open Probably correct. You're probably vomiting as you are fucking. Unless it's his fetish. That's possible. You're coming as you finally fall.

I'm going out just the way I dream. Oh, and this is the fresh stuff. I don't even have to source the shit. And now Killboy Vomits. We get a repeat of that show. Yes. Oh, right. Yeah, everybody vomits the first time.

So they're going to help dad. Thank you. Yes, we're going to go back up. We're going to help dad. Yes. is the whole. This is the family plan, folks. This is the family plan. So the plan is like, oh shit, to get our life back, I'm going to have to kill everybody. Yeah. Pretty much. So, so, so kill boy, you operate the drone. Right. And that's, you've been traded for your whole

life anyway to work for the military. Right. That's, he does bring that up at some point, but like, I'm also, I don't know. If this was happening and like you, I mean, he's just like, oh, go right. I'm at left. Yeah, exactly. That's just your life gone. Like you're just, you're just like finding the easiest way to kill yourself

and you should go home. There's an assassin at 12 o'clock. Oh shit, is it nine? What? Fuck. He's just going to instinctively know that because he's from my seed.

You're 12. They connect their avatared hair to sync up. You're 12. I thought you was 17. That's how fun. Yeah. So he's a killboy is.

11 o'clock. I got $3.15. Oh, my head's blown off. Like, he's stupid. The kid's smart, but he's stupid. Oh, I'd like that. 11 o'clock. We had breakfast at 11 o'clock.

That was a while ago. 11 o'clock is my most unfavorant time of the day because it's when McDonald's stopped selling breakfast, bro. It's afternoon. Look at the sun. Look at it. You got to get out more, bro. 11 o'clock.

Who are you? You spent too many time on the games. But, yeah, so it's a big dumb action sequence. Yeah, Maggie Q is incapacitated with a pseudo, like, Vulcan neck pinch that Mark Wahlberg uses on her for a second. Okay. So, yeah, we're droning it up. And then the kids are hiding up on the roof. Yes.

While he does the whole drone thing or whatever, Michelle Monaghan joins them up there. And she is getting into it with Maggie Q on the roof. Yes, it's like, oh, you think you beat me before because you know some kickboxing. Maggie Q is kicking the shit out of her. Yes. And this is another death that I was like, holy shit. It's pretty wide. Also some good stunt work here.

Like the Michelle Monaghan stunt doubles thrown off this balcony, falls down, tries to do this pole vault and shatters and eats shit. Dude, it is something you'd see in like an America's funniest home video where you'd then be like, I think that person got hurt and this shouldn't have been on the broadcast, Alfonso Ribeiro. Like, that was a real gnarly fucking fall. So she eats shit. And then, like, she's like, yeah, I guess you're not quite the decathlete.

And then she grabs it again. It's like, oh, what are you going to try that again? And no, just javelins. Like, she's a vampire. Yep. This thing. Yep. This thing right through her heart.

Oh, my God. It's pretty good. It's great. Except, like, the reaction from the children is completely inappropriate. You're like, woohoo, mom. It's like, you need to be speaking. and throwing up you need to be screaming like why did you just fucking

that person doesn't exist anymore they're kind of just like whoa mom and I was like uh uh no and just saw a vampire get steak too she even says like a pithy like this 10 events bitch you know and that's pretty good and then like it's down to Mark

Walberg of the bullfrog and oh you're gonna come back with me now aren't you gonna try to kill your old man I just don't understand And what is it? After he's killed all your guys, you're still like, yeah, either that, I got to put you out of your misery because you're going to be selling cars. And, you know, the family comes downstairs and Nina is like, Grandpa, you know, we could work this out,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and it's like, oh, just a thing to keep him talking when Mark Wahlberg is going to hit this dude in the face with a brass bar. Oh, sweetheart. I would, I would snap you up like a fly in front of my. mouth. Don't love me, baby. Well, I was just doing that to distract you so dad could do this. Yes, that's what it is. Yeah. So he drops down. And then whatever, dude, we walk out of this empty casino. Cops are everywhere. They're waving. Like, they just got off a Disney World ride. I don't know. You killed 17 people. You're going to jail.

But somebody's saying so. You say that. But you know what? Sometimes things like this, it does bring the family together. And I think that's really worth it. At the end of the day, like, okay, so a couple lives are exterminated. You feel like you've bonded. Isn't that worth it? Which is fine, but here's the deal. If you want to do that, the end of this

joke is not a gentle fade to black. It is you're doing the slow mo. Everyone's like, oh, we're okay. We're waving. And then it's like, boom, real world it's get down to the ground. The whole family gets like pushed down on the parking lot or something. Just cut to a

boat and those guys the kissing gang are being thrown into the water shark infested waters open lot and funeral dude Mark Wahlberg and Michelle Monaghan as they fuck while they're being eaten by sharks instead we get six months later

oh yeah Nina wrote the story about how grandpa was as a assassin we learned this because of a news broadcast that is talking about this paramilitary group being defeated and then it's like the story was broken by a high school Cool senior, what? Named this. Isn't she cool?

And also, like, I don't know, again, kill bill rules. Like, even though, like, your dad, who's the only one that really cared about you as an assassin, is now out of commission, you still got a lay low. Your old enemies might come back. Sure. There's that son of a bitch that killed my father. Yeah, where's, you know, whoever's going to be doing family plan too. Exactly.

When we come back, we'll deal with that. And he's started his own business because a security firm, He should just be selling cars because it's at the point that he liked selling cars. Yes. Like that was the joke. He liked his life. He's like, oh, it sucks.

You sell cars. Like, no, I really quite enjoy it. He should just be selling fucking cars. Instead, he's, yeah, doing that armored car security consulting crap or whatever. Yeah, exactly. But black water now, bro. This is much more comfortable. But hey, guess what?

That's not all. We're taking another road trip with the family. That's right. We had such a good time last year. And also, Michelle Monaghan is like a coach for, like, decathletes. now. It's like she's like a high school track coach. Sure, but like did she, what was preventing her from doing that before? The spirit had not been awoken in her. Exactly. We are saying that

all these characters are better people for having gone through this. God. Yeah, that's really, that's exactly. See, if you, again, kill a few people. Maybe you make a better life for yourself. Think about it. Take a couple souls. Take them with you and then you're better for it. I'm constantly thinking about. Yeah, you consume. You consume their powers. Yeah, you feel it. in front of people in this room when you're looking at the kissy pics or the feet picks

or the kissy feety picks and that's speaking of we're taking another road trip get them tutsies out oh feet out dude and there's a fake out of I'm gonna throw away everyone's cell phone again this this is what gets me

so it's like yeah the end because we can't of course not even Marvel and other comic book movies we just can't end any movie like movie ends with them peeling out in this RV. We're doing crazy stunt driving with an RV,

which I got to say, good job to this stunt driving team. I thought this RV was going to flip right to fuck over. I couldn't believe it. That was take two. Yeah. We had to buy a whole other RV. But that happens and that's like end of the movie.

We get a couple of credits, a couple of fun photos. And then it's back to the movie and they are on that same bridge. And he's like, by the way, phones up, pros. Phone's up.

I'm going to throw them up. Just joking. and he, you want to talk about Vegas and card games and gambling, he puts up these four glorious, beautiful new iPhones. He fans them out in front of this camera. Look at an Apple movie. Look at all the great things you can do. It comes in Rose Gold. It comes in Baby Blow. I didn't appreciate now on sale at Best Buy. I like that. I didn't like that. Exactly. I thought that was cheap.

And so that's how it ends. A big Apple commercial on top of a big Doritos commercial. it's it's something man that is the end of the family plan will go around the room here final thoughts eric cisco yeah uh i'm kind of with you andrew because i think i know what you think uh that it's bad it's not as i feel like it's one of the better things we're covering this month it's cute enough at the start it's a premise it doesn't work because it doesn't work but uh i i hated myself much more watching it and i'll say that there you go chris cabin I hate myself about as equal. I guess

why I really do not like movies like this is because the bar is so low and you can't even clear that. Say what you will about quantum mania. Say what you will about hypnotic. They're trying something. Sure. It's not very good and it is a copy

of something but the thing you're copying is more ambitious too. So I have a little bit more respect for things like that even though they do not work and annoy the shit out of me. Sure. I do with this where it's just like, what are we even doing here? Who is this for? What am I, what is, you should have just made.

For dads, dude. No, it's not. They're watching Opi. They're doing what they should be doing and watching Opi. But like, if this, it really does feel like we talk about this all the time, about how TV and movies just swapping. This does feel like a sitcom that Mark Wahlberg would do and just like split it up and like it's different cases or something.

Right. And it just, it didn't go that way. They made a movie instead and just, eh, annoyed the piss out of me. Steve's saying that. Yeah, I'm kind of with you and Eric closer than Chris just because this does have a three-act structure, which I know sounds insane. It does like, and then like to into Eric's point,

even though that it's bad, at the end of the movie, everyone has changed a little bit. You know what I mean? Like it's just sort of like, none of it makes real sense, but like somebody who's like, I know how to kind of write a movie

and I know how to write it. I would say write a movie, not directed movie because holy shit is directed poorly and acted poorly. It's not a recommend, but I do think it's probably best. better. Like, I just, it's not a recommend. I'll leave it. Yeah, it's fine. You know, yeah, it's a slight recommend for me. And as far as who's this for, I'll tell you exactly what function this movie

will serve. Okay. When you need to kill time with the in-laws or family at a holiday situation of some kind of a visit, just a dreadful open-ended, no fucking plan visit. Sure. This movie will eat up two hours. And you will prove to them that your gaming is actually good for you. I don't know. Say hello, the 120 days of Soms right there. That's why no one wants to come to your family. Look, it's fun. That is going to do it for this episode on the family plan. If you want more We Hate Movies,

of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We're speaking of Opi. We have a We Love Movies episode all about Oppenheimer out this month. Oh, yeah. We have a digital worldwide experience coming up on The Flash on February 1st. That's right. A lot of people were clucking at us like, where the fuck? How do you not have one of the worst movies? It is. And it's so bad.

We need to blow it up into a full on digital experience. So get your tickets now, moment.c.co slash we hate movies. And also come see us in Atlanta. That's right. On April 25th. Yes, there it is. There it is. WHM Podcast.com slash tour for tickets. So otherwise on Patreon

Of course we have a wild animation damnation Coming out this month on Agent Elvis The Netflix show We got a Gleap glossary All about a sexy pig lady Lady Valerian which means nothing to you And nothing to me but we'll talk about it You'll see it and then we're going to be doing another Melro 210

Of course as usual Nexus as well our Star Trek recap show There's so much on Patreon I also check out the Glob Glub Glossary To find out how I got swindle out of $100. I think you did it to your so, yes. As usually, it was Steve's fault, but it's funny to see how Steve got himself

there. I can think is the idea. And yeah, you know, also, if you are already on the $8 level and up on Patreon, you are listening to this episode, ad free, zero commercials on Patreon for all main feed

we hate movies episodes. And speaking of Steve, the train just keeps blowing through bad movie town. Which last year's disappointment are we talking about just next Tuesday? I'm going to read the title as it was written and that means we're covering expend forbles.

Expend for B-L-E-S. Expendibles for. Yes. Expendables for. There it is. See Sylvester Stallone so desperately not want to be a part of his own franchise anymore. Expend for flubblers. Is that French? No, it's just the way I spell it, man.

Spend the frubes. so until next week with a movie that definitely should be the last of those and it will be I feel I've been Andrew Chupin Steven Zayda Eric Sisk Chris Cabin for Blues

Take it easy Thank you. Thank you.