We Hate Movies - S14 Ep724: Safe House (1998)

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

“I think the beauty of [this movie], if there is, is that Patrick Stewart gets to act like a child through most of this! - Chris  On this week’s episode, this one’s a long-time coming as we finally chat about the ridiculous Patrick Stewart made-for-Showtime thriller, Safe House! What’s with this abhorrent Pool Man character and the impressions? How hilarious is it that the so-called villain’s name is pronounced like, “Michael Moore”? How many times has Patrick Stewart’s character almost been sued by maids and groundskeepers for all the ‘drills’ he runs around them? And why couldn’t we get a little more Hector Elizondo in this movie? PLUS: John Wayne tries to order lunch at a Wendy’s!  Safe House stars Patrick Stewart, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Hector Elizondo, Joy Kilpatrick, and Craig Shoemaker as Stuart; directed by Eric Steven Stahl. This episode is sponsored in part by MeUndies! Good things come in big packages at MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping, at MeUndies dot com slash whm. That’s Me Undies dot com slash whm for 20% off, plus free shipping. MeUndies—comfort from the outside in. This ep is also brought to you by Rocket Money. Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. That’s RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. Be sure to catch us on tour this spring, gang! We’ll be hitting Atlanta, Houston and Austin and we wanna see you come out! Head over to our tour page and get them tix! In Atlanta we’re talking about Gerard Butler in Gamer, Houston is a W❤️M on Robocop 2, and in Austin we’re doing another W❤️M celebrating the great Robert Rodriguez movie, From Dusk Till Dawn! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs! Including new Time Runner, Polish Decoy, ‘Jack Kirby’, and Forrest the Universal Soldier designs!

This week on We Hate Movies. It's the only film in history where Patrick Stewart sucks the cream out of a Twinkie. It's Safe House. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Siska. Safe Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. If you're new to the program, it's a comedy show where we take a movie of any kind, good, bad, or otherwise, and lampoon it for just a little bit. Kick it around. Kick it around. you know? Just Robert De Niro kick it around a little bit. Got to say, this is a long time coming. We've been talking about doing this movie since like season one of we hate movies. Probably before

we ever did a podcast. And I never understood it. I'm going to get out of head of the thing. I never quite understood it. Put your monocle on. Chris, you weren't there the first time. It's true. This is this is key to it. That's true. It was us and a buddy of ours. Justin brought this to our attention. This movie he grew

up. He grew up. Oh, you ever see that Patrick Stewart? We were like, what Patrick's a new movie. We watched it. Jaws on the floor. They're like, hey, Chris, this is amazing, right? He's like, no. It took a while. I didn't see it right away.

It took a while to see it. And then I'm like, oh, so it's like, it's a weird Alzheimer drama. Is that what's happening here? Yes, and it's funny. I'm sorry. I know we have to be respectful for people with Alzheimer's.

Listen, I know. I was living in a house with someone with Alzheimer's for a while. It is not great. And it's nowhere near as funny or as enjoyable is this beautiful. Look, I don't know. Everybody, everybody pooh-poo's the best comedy ever away from her.

Just a riot. I will say, you know, just honestly, we'd never do this. Maybe just stop the podcast and watch the movie really quickly. It's a bit of a seeing as believing. A little bit. At the very least, it's on Tooby in the United States. You can watch it on Tooby. It is too long.

I will grant you that. Now, what was great about watching it as a couple fellers in college. Oh, sure. You're having a couple beers. You're going to your last. You're laughing about the last part during the downtime. You're rip roaring. If this was 90 minutes, it'd be a perfect film.

It would be. Yeah, it's an hour and 52 minutes and it's just too long. That's a big problem. I mean, I guess like it really does matter. What is your comic wattage with Patrick Stewart crying because he can't name presidents while trying to eat candy? Yes. Okay. Well, it's the candy part is really what's funny there because we've just been playing cards with candy.

That's pretty great. You got to look at it. bigger picture, though, Steve. His, or Chris, his ailment is, you know, not the only thing going on in this. True. There's other people attempting to act like they're in a motion picture. Beautiful Stewart. Political intrigue. Oh, there is that. Michael Moore. Yeah, yeah, Michael Moore. President. Oh, the thought of having Michael Moore at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue gives me the creeps. Oh, what is he going to do? Just belittle all of our beautiful car manufacturers. Oh, you all thought it was so bad when Trump had McDonald's in the White House, but how about hot dogs for miles

with that guy? But I guess it's okay because it's a small business and not McDonald's, right? We are reverencing the fact that the sort of the non-seen really antagonist, besides on television here. Yes. Yes. Is a former Navy

admiral that is running for president. The nomination is in the bag and for some reason they named him Thomas Michael Moore and Michael Moore is the last name spelled like Mikhail. Yeah. It sounds sometimes like

Macklemore, which sounds like that's a name. Right. But then, but when you have to say Michael Moore, like, really like, yeah, Thomas Michael Moore. The thought of that haircut at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue gives me the creeps. Because you're never, very rarely are they referring to him as

Thomas or Thomas, Michael Moore. More times than not, it's just Michael Moore. It's just Michael Moore. And it makes you stop and do a double-taking your television every single time it happens. Patrick Stewart would be like fucking Michael Moore, am I right? You know that Michael Moore, I served with Admiral Michael

Moore, and he's just a real murderer, man. A real bad dude. You know what? If you watch some health care, get some money, okay? You pieces of shit? I read that he made Columbine. Could you believe it? He played games at Columbine. He bowled at Columbine. Columbine was happening. He was bowling.

Oh, you're bowling for Columbine, Michael? Really? Why weren't you bowling out Dylan and whatever the other guy's name was? So I guess Columbine was a strike then, right? He knocked out all ten pins with that one, how Michael? I think you're a bit of a turkey. Yeah, this movie is from 1998. It's directed by a guy who could have the name of a presidential assassin. Eric Stephen Stahl.

Oh, yeah. You've been sentenced to hang until dead for the assassination of President Lincoln. Is it Eric Stephen? it's Eric one word Stephen another word no because that's my middle name Eric Stephen Oh shit dude

It's like we're kissing cousins with this guy We get Yes so just real quickly It's Patrick Stewart Is a retired government operative Who has early onset Alzheimer I will say where is he

Twist that's the thing like Oh oh is you just a crazy old man Yeah it might be But this is what he's telling us Yes and he gets assigned a new health aid worker played by Kimberly Williams Paisley from the Father of the Bride movies

According to Jim And oh according to Jim It's a bigger one Series regular She was the main fucking his best buddy Oh she's fucking the guy She's fucking the next door neighbor She's fucking one of those guys

I think that makes her also the next door neighbor But there was the fat guy who was like the buddies Yeah I think he I think she was banging that guy which is And is it and it's Melrose Place, who's Bangorne Smith, yes. So we get like what this dude, by the way, his name

is Mace in this movie. Patrick Stewart plays Mace. And he's like starting the day. I just, I want to get right to it. This dummy. Dude, so like the whole thing is like he's paranoid that this Michael Moore guy is coming for him. There's some sort of a tauntine situation, I think,

going on and all these guys are getting killed. So he's paranoid. The whole movie is Patrick Stewart is paranoid. And the precautions that he uses to protect himself or whatever. And one of them is sleeping on the floor like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway while a dummy sleeps in his bed and a little talk man does fucking snoring sound. It looks exactly like him. It is so fucking funny. It's like, yes, I'm Ferris Buehlering myself.

Does that mouth open on that dummy or what? I was not absent nine times, Michael Moore. I could use my computer to change my grade. I mean, this is, this would bleed the account dry of Tim Apple. Like, nobody can do this for this long and hire Stewart to try to kill you every day as well. And you know, the thing about, they do the drills throughout. Yeah. Stewart, this pool boy that he trusts or what?

Pool man. This guy's a man. It's a pool man. Sorry about that. The 40-year-old dude. I apologize to pool men everywhere. Son of a bitch. You're doing all these drills.

His friend is pretending to try to kill him all the time so that he's ready for when Michael Moore strikes. But at a certain point, wouldn't you let your guard down because you're used to your friend doing this? Are you actually going to pull the trigger? But that's the thing is you're doing these drills with paintball rounds.

So like you have to be like, oh, I'm pretty, I guess like if you're a genius super, it's like, oh, that's definitely Stewart. But like if you hear a noise in the night, are you going to reach for the paintball gun or you're going to reach for the real gun? Well, great question.

Yeah. And I feel like there should have been a real like whoopsie Daisy about that. Well, oh, oh, I'm just. Sorry, the Chinese delivery guy. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. We don't talk about what happened with Leonard, okay? Stewart was the replacement for Leonard.

We don't talk about what happened. There is a loose bit of dirt in the back of my lawn just with a little hole down there. An L-shaped hole. Quick question. Does anyone know who played Stewart? He's a previous episode of this very famous. I was going to guess this guy was straight out of the bowels of Mad TV. I gotta do a tough turf no

I got it by the way he's the teacher in Scream 2 that is just like letting the kids have fun and talk about sequels so this is the same year oh really yes he's credited as artsy teacher and oh wow didn't even get a Mr. Allen

huh pretty bad no tobo would say that's a bad rap yeah with the casting he's hilarious in this movie because he's impression Clearly, it was just a stand-up comedian that did impressions. I'm almost positive I saw his special at some point. Like way back when, like, when I saw this movie with you guys, I'm like, oh, it's that guy.

And I think even when I saw Scream 2, I was like, oh, it's that guy back in my loving stand-up comedy days. You just, you would catch all the specials. Exactly. And it was like what, this guy was like an impressionist to a point. Yeah. It is truly to a point. I mean, he probably burned down the LA improv in 93. I don't know here

like eventually you get tired of this shit The impressionist thing The problem with seeing a stand-up comedy Impressionist guy is like unlike this show Where we're like talking like And then we're talking about a movie And then Patrick Stewart says it's like Oh wow what a great Patrick Stewart

Oh yeah They should have a comedy Central special You'd be like hi everybody I'm here naked on a stage You ever hear of a Star Trek The Next Generation? And that's like the setup I always feel is the toughest part of an impressionist doing stand-up

because there's only so many variations on, I think it would sound a little like this. Yes, and everybody knows what you're saying, even if you're trying to cover that up. And you have to have, like, someone like Jim Carrey can get over that because the energy is so big, it doesn't matter. But most people, I mean, most comedians are like, oh, you know, I was wondering, what would John Wayne say it to Wendy?

And I'm like, oh, man, just stop right now. Whatever it is, no. That's the thing. And like that, you just, that is that setup. I think it's going to be funnier than what the punchline of him saying something. I'm going to need the code to the bathroom. What do you mean you don't got the spicy chicken sandwich you had it last month? I'm liking this. Actually, dude. Well, let's write this down. We'll do it. Let's do it. Let's become awkward standups. What intarnation happened to the salad bar at this Wendy's? What caliber is that baconator? Oh, great question.

question. But yeah, so it's, but it also, like, the weird thing, the Patrick Stewartness of this all, which is why this movie, I think, is worth watching if you're a Patrick Stewart fan, which I, you know, I've been for 30 years. Oh, yeah. Everyone, most people in this room have been. It's just, it's amazing to watch him do this sort of, A, to have a movie all to himself. This is a capital P, capital, as Patrick Stewart movie. Capital T, capital V, TV movie. Yeah. But I will say, Showtime presents. He could a, 100% do this as a one-man play. Oh, yes. Just if you want to give him the stage and play Stuart and the... You know what? Yeah, you've got to split up these roles. Get back. Hector Elizondo, he could play

Stewart and double in the play version. It's a two-man thing. Well, actually, well, I don't know, Eric. Can Hector Elizando do a killer Jimmy Stewart impression? You know what? I'd like to see him try. Yeah, it would sound a little something like this. Oh, yes. Oh, my money's not here. It's in Bill's house. And it's in

Fred's house. Oh, how you do in movie palace, yes. No, yeah, I know. It's dead on. It's dead. I sound exactly like Jimmy Stewart, I've been working on it for years. Mr. Gower punched me in the ear. Oh, did I tell? Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Sorry. Uh, yeah, Hector Elizondo is, like, his doctor. It's a weird, like, it's a therapist, but also, like, a mental acuity guy. I don't know if these Twains ever meet like this in the healthcare world. I'm not going to begin to pretend, I know.

Dr. Simon. He comes to nothing, which is kind of a bummer, especially because Hector-Elzondo is a name and this movie desperately needs a name. I'll tell you what it did do. This was a nice, uh, soft pitch for him to eventually become monks therapist. Oh,

is he a monk? Oh, yes. He is like one of the main characters. Never watched a second of that shit. I've watched a few episodes. Ted Levine also. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's that wall of USA original programming, man. That's a force field like campaign. What was Monk's deal? He's a, he's, uh,

OCD. Alzheimer's as well? No, yeah. OCD. It's always, we're always doing that now, aren't we? We love the OCD. It's fine.

And then we love the other one now. Like there was that good doctor show. Yes, the crying doctor. He's a great doctor. Fake autism. Yeah. Fake autism is great. Fake autism.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, those clips are rough to watch. Absolute, yeah. Doctor Hahn! I thought this kid was bad playing that little Norman Bates or whatever. Good Christ, that show. But people love it, I'm sure, right? they'll run forever until we get like

how we have young Sheldon now we're a young good doctor. Then that's just Doogie Houser. If that doctor gets in a younger though, that's He's due, we're due for a new doogie. There is a new doogie. There's a new doogie. There's a new dudeie. They tried to do it. Wait, wait, it's called Doogiehouser. It is, yes. It's like a little, it's a little girl Yeah. And I think it was on like Disney Plus or something. I think Hawaii is the

They gender swapped it. Yeah. Oh, they gender swap my doogie. How can the girl be a dogy? He can't put a bowing doogie's hair. Everybody knows there's no doctors in Hawaii. Sheriff, I'm wearing a C4 vest because of the doogie Howard's gender flip. They gender flipped my doogie. And then they made me watch Taylor Swift on a soupy bowl. It's a sci-op, and I'll prove it by blowing myself up in a federal building.

Yes, Ethan Hawk was right in that movie First Reform. going to blow it all up. It's all bullshit. Oh, man. Yeah, so he finds out another dude hilariously, some sort of captain or whatever. Pooler has been murdered. So he's got to go

update his little computer system and it's like, this is where I was thinking it's like a tauntine because it's just a list of dudes and it's like red lines through all of them and he's like, oh, Michael Moore's coming for us on, isn't he? I can't wait. I have a list. I have your guys name. printed out next on my computer too, just

waiting to use that red pen. Desperate for it. Squeak. This is going to look great when the cops come to your house and see on your computer terminated. Not by me. No, no, it was somebody else who did it, but I just wanted to. No, it was term. If Steve

doesn't log in in the morning, every morning, it'll be automatically sent all the dossiers on us to every news organization. Yes, the New York Times. Page F-17. That's all my dead man. But this actually His little computer set up does tell you

Because they are I mean this movie is not very good Spoiler alert It is playing with the Maybe it's all in his head But clearly this computer and his Menin Black-esque gun cave Like no he was an exoperative

There's a lot of weapons here Like he definitely did this stuff Also I Not to go back to the Alzheimer's thing But like once you see that they are trying to kind of get jokes out of it, you're like, oh, this isn't real. They're not going to own this. Like, that's not going to happen.

This has to turn. In this point, he has a maid, very stereotypical maid, Spanish lady, just full uniform. The full uniform, like, that's a porno thing. If you have a live in maid and she shows up like that because you're an older person, yeah,

we're not, oh, thank you, Rosa. No, we're good with just whatever jeans is fine. Yeah, jeans and a t-shirt, that's fine. Then it's like she comes in wearing that. and you're like, take it off. No. We're not doing that today. Oh, no, that's just far too

overdress. It's just so formal and stuffy, don't you think? But yeah, a uniform. No one's wearing a uniform in my house. No, no, no. It's very unconfident unless they're sexual. Right.

Or when the officers arrive. Oh, yeah. You can't come arrest me for murder unless you're in plain clothes. We're a casual household. The only time that someone's going to be wearing a uniform is when they finally cut me down. So he's like he gives like

It's kind of funny because he's doing video logs And so many of them start just as voiceover So it's this movie's cheap ass captain's log Which I think is pretty great And it's like captain's log I'm pretty sure Michael Moore wants us all to die Oh Captain's log interrupted

There's a perimeter breach in Section 6 Yes And this is like there's a dude on the property Blah blah blah And we have this is like A standoff and a half half this guy comes in he's dressed up it's got a gun to this woman's head she's fucking screaming and it's all a fake drill yeah are you kidding the lawsuits he says like all these

bullets would go right through her and through you and she faints and then he uses that opportunity to shoot him twice in the chest but not yeah it's a paintball thing it's a oh man and i mean like all right stew it i'm going to give you a thousand dollars a month three At least three times a month, you come in and invade my home. You cannot molest my maid at all, though. That's number one. Hands on shoulders and hips, sir. Nowhere else.

Exactly. I mean, yeah, he just grabbed this woman and used her as a shield. You know, Stuart, I appreciate the commitment to the bit, man. You're really losing yourself in these roles. But you rough that girl up, man. That's not cool. Why don't you just tell her that you have a crush on her and stop dancing around it like this?

We know that you love Rosa Everybody knows it And drill or no drill No shoes in the living area So we'll do So if we were doing a drill Just take the shoes off right before you get The living area

I really like the carpet of there's pretty new man The way that they announced that this is all fake It's like because this dude is laying dead On the floor against like the kitchen cabinets or whatever And the movie's like six minutes in So you have no idea what's going on Yeah exactly This housekeeper's like screaming and whatever

and then it's like this dude just goes oh my fucking back and like that's how he like revives or whatever and I'm like oh dude what is the first impression he does because I remember my favorite part of this entire movie the daughter comes in he's got a dog Patrick Stewart has a dirter who's you know a successful woman you know she's like obviously like she's always doing like six different things obviously is stopping by to make sure my father hasn't killed himself yet yes and like she has to deal with the maid and she's like I'm so sorry they're made quits and she goes up to Stewart because she knows him and she's like so you just do this with my father all the time this is ridiculous this is a joke and he's just he look he an adult man looks at a woman who's having a real conversation like this is our relationship

as it is you know my dad we're friends and he goes you talking to me yes you talk to me the second impression the first one is bogey when the daughter's getting out of the car it's like she the coppers are and he's like oh it's bogey and Patrick Stewart's

like, no it isn't. Yes. Yeah. At least we're commenting on that. Yeah, at least we're commenting on this dude's shitty impressions. But yes, the whole thing about like, I just got chewed out by this lady. She's screaming and crying. There's possibly a fucking lawsuit on our hands. I can't believe this. What were you thinking? I'm talking to me. And it's like, are you mentally okay, dude? No. Oh, the answer to that is no. They got two, two bad ones together. I don't have a good De Niro either. But like, Like, if you're going to come at someone who's just like been berated and now is berating you, you're going to come at them with an impression. You better fucking know that it's a solid impression. Well, I will say, Robert De Niro is one that so many people have tried that I kind of see the safety in it. Like everybody fucks it up. So why not give it a shot?

And like, I mean, he does. It would be much fun here. If she's like, what are you doing with him? He's like, did you fuck my wife? Did you fuck my wife? I'm gonna call the cops I'm calling the fucking cops It's too early for this

Rose of the maid passed out And you're laughing Oh yeah Right yeah Doesn't really sound like him In that one But okay I would just also be like

Hey pool guy I fucking write your pool cleaning checks Yes No more You are fucking fired Stewart the pool cleaner Absolutely not From taking care of my

former PR exec father I didn't catch the covers Public relations Or the U.S. Information Service Which question mark What is that? I don't know what that is.

I guess he was a bad PR man If I don't know what the U.S. Information service. Well, it's all different versions of the CIA. It's the DIA. USAIA. The defense intelligence agency. There's like

what he needs the acronym this dude is AARP man. And that's where he needs to be. Excellent. There's a special agent undercover AARP. There's a couple times where he gets like really indignant. Like someone says like blah, blah, blah, how you used to work with the CIA. And he's like, DIA, damn it.

Well, that's a thing. And that's, again, they could chew us. I'm sorry, hearing Patrick Stewart say fuck a bunch in a movie is really fascinating. It's like, it's like, when you look through like old photos of your parents and you find like one with your dad smoking a joint. you're like, whoa, what happened here? And here's the thing, fascinating, yet also uncomfortable and unsettled. Exactly, same difference.

You know, there's like, I hate to say it, what with my mouth, there's too much profanity in this movie. And it gets to a point where he's like, you dumb motherfucking piece of shit. And I'm like, dude, this is Patrick Stewart. Come on. Hard disagree. If anything, I'm with Eric.

Increases. He's slumming it. And I already know he's slumming it because I'm watching Safehouse, but then the toilet talk slums it even more. I'm going to say because I think the beauty of it, if there is, is that Patrick Stewart gets to act like a child for most of this. She gets to be like, oh, I get to eat candy. Fuck you, fuck face.

That's it. But we'll get, so basically the maid is now quit. And Patrick Stewart, you know, cannot take care of himself. She, his daughter takes him to see howl's out of the first time. and this time he's dressed like a phone worker guy like a guy who works at the phone company like a jump suit yeah jump suit thing hard hat on beard he also has a beard right

and he's sitting in the back of under the seat on the chair he's on the back seat like in the floor of the car and then when he gets to the goddamn doctor's office with Hector Alizando he's like I'm only here but under duress and it's like to rest for what the threat of a mental competency hearing and it's like how long have you worked for the phone company Like, you coming up in a disguise

shows that you are mentally incompetent. You might as well dress like Napoleon at that point. You have the hand in and really go for it. And he's like saying to him, like, you know, I have to do this dress like a member of the fucking village people. It's like, well, curate your disguises a little better than if you have a problem with this, you're the one making yourself do it. Hector Alizando should be the heavy.

I mean, like, I like the ending of the movie. But like at the end, it should also be like, She was working for me the whole time. And that prescription I gave you were drugs to slowly sedate you. Exactly. Oh, yes, I was fooling with your mental acuity the whole time. I got them from Mr. Grower. Or it's a he's coming by to do a welfare check when things are going tits up.

And he's also killed. That too, yes. Because that would, you know. He disappears to the movie, which is a bummer. We need a little bit of a body count in this movie. Michael Moore was here. The doctor's been killed. Michael Moore's here.

Look at the dent in my fucking couch, man. Sick ass groove, Michael Moore. Hope you win presidency, yes. And of course, yeah, look, if you look under the fucking thing, AI said, no shoes in here, and now there's little Cheeto dust because Michael Moore was in my fucking couch.

I have to add this to the dossier. He killed my couch. Red lines through my couch. We're going to need a new cushion. But yes, it's like basically like, this mental acuity, a mental competency thing is being held over his head by his daughter

because she's dirt or he's very concerned about him and so he needs a live in house aid was the idea not just a maid but somebody who can do the medical part too I guess what is the joy he's getting out of making a for many

it would seem many years now making a complete idiot of his daughter great question like what exactly is the positives there just like having funsies I guess Well, I think it's more just like everything is expendable in the name of making sure that these state secrets are whatever and he stays alive. So it's like, yeah, I might drive my daughter crazy, but at least I'm alive, man. And so is she.

What does she matter? Yeah. I mean, yeah, he's a handful. Yeah. I'll give it to you, Chris. We get this montage here of hiring people, trying to hire someone to take care of him, interspaced with him just shoot. Shooting guns in the backyard, live in addition, apparently. I got a list of a couple of people interviewing here and what I was calling them in my head.

Because, yes, it's the sister's interviewing. And he's just outside shooting guns. Shooting guns like in this like LA sub, like, the police would be called every day with this. But so anyway, inhaler girl. She was pretty good. Tough redneck guy who says he's used to giving attitude adjustment. Y'all look, commit elder abuse on your father. Definitely.

Guy who looks like Jay Leno is the best one. You have to, it's the ubiquitous fat guy in these things. And then also this woman that looks exactly like Penelope Spiris.

Yeah. Yeah. There's like a propeller head song behind it while they're doing this. Because it's wacky, but I mean like honestly a man

with a early onset dementia and a house full of guns is to set up for a horror movie, not a fun comedy. Isn't that? Don't breathe? I was just

I'm not going to say, yeah. Don't breathe, motherfuckers. I will say better than that movie. It is a much better movie. But this is where we meet Kimberly Williams Paisley doing an interview for the job. This is Andy Travers is her character. What kind of name is Andy?

God damn it! And let me throw in a motherfucker while I'm at it. You know what? I actually, I kind of like it because it's close to candy. And I love candy so much. I love so much candy in this movie. I need a skittal. What kind of name?

is Andy for a girl That's what it is It's short for Andrea What's what kind of name is Mace It's short for in your face Oh dude That is the craziest line of the film Well that doesn't make much sense

In your face In your face Actually there's a part Because somebody said it to me On Twitter I think That oh my God You guys are doing Safehouse I've always wanted to see it

Because this clip's been on the internet And it's him shooting at the at the petunias or the oh sure you motherfucker I'm gonna kill all my lilies yes yes I think he thinks there's like roaches or something he says it's rodents I think he thinks he's shooting the caddyshack gopher oh with its gyrating waistline

and it's fun loving attitude and music it's a Cinderella story oh nothing is going to be all right to Mr. Gopher Everyone has to worry about me, motherfucker. He's a Cinderella boy. I'm buying Bushwood. Yeah, but I mean, so she gets hired because she's like a young whatever and like she's, she has, she knows about, oh, I'm studying.

She's older than PhD candidate. Yeah, PhD candidate behavioral sciences want some on hand experience. Yeah. So that's, that's great. It's, it's so fun. Chris, go wait in the car. No, I will not. I will not.

She comes in with the car. She comes in and like is I guess just like, well, yeah, no, I don't care about all of these red flags. I want to be in this. I know you can tell me everything about it. I'm still doing it. I don't care. Oh, cool. Live rounds.

Awesome. That's great. There's just a stranger who's going to show up and shoot at the windows every day. Okay. We forgot one of the great lines when he's coming home. like because he's arguing with the daughter, the dirder. And it's like, you know, like about like, oh,

I was DIA, not CIA. And he's like, oh, well, you never told us about it. It's like, oh, what I was under deep cover? What do you expect me to come home and say, hi, honey. I want to kill a day at the office. I killed two terrorists and I call me spies. You could just

did not have told me you're a PR exam. Yeah. That would have been, you work for the government. I would have been fine with it. It's revealed later that he was, obviously, undercover government agent or whatever. So he actually killed two terrorists and economies. Probably a lot more than that. Yeah, that day alone. Just one day.

He just picked a random day out of his head, like a work memory. Oh, that day I killed three people in 10 minutes. Well, the weird thing is, so Michael Moore, as the onion reveals itself to us, not only was just like a black ops guy that was like, you know, running guns to wherever, he was actively killing other U.S. senators and congresspeople because of the budgets of whatever. did Patrick Stewart's character killed a senator or something? He knows about it. Yeah, that's

the gray murky waters of this movie where it's like, yeah, you're talking about he had all these senators killed because it's like, oh, don't cut my funding. Maclemore's going to get you. And like, I was wondering the same thing. Like, how many of those senators was Patrick Stewart's character garritting in the backseat of a car?

Probably plenty. Or fake heart attacking Michael Clayton fucking people with the needle between the toes. Or the man bites dog. we take away their pill and scream in their face until they have a heart attack. That one's a little more time-consuming, but always it's fun.

But it works. Every time, baby. That's fun in your face. See, that's the thing is the movie is trying to keep up this like, was he actually doing all this stuff or wasn't he? And it would be kind of interesting if he had some line like that and it cut to a flashback of like Patrick Stewart coming from the backseat of a car,

choking a dude or whatever, like give it some sort of a flavor there. Because also then you have Patrick Stewart having scenes in this movie where he's not just this enfeebled old man with a degenerative you know disease. Also it would make sense if the daughter

started having some flash. I mean like I know she's not a character. She's just supposed to be it's but like it would be funny if she was like she starts having flashbacks she's like why were we? Why was Oliver Northover for dinner that night? What the fuck was that? What the shit? It's like how Mulder always remembers

details about his dad growing up and it's like oh my dad was in this some heavy government shit too. I was doing public relations in Cambodia. That was, uh, well, yeah. It was, um, we crossed the border into Laos to, you know, put the PR campaign together. Look, it was important. No, no, we didn't just do it because we were losing the Vietnam War.

We did it because it was important. Uh, so one of her whole things, which is like, yeah, it's this weird thing where like, it's a home health aid, but she's also a PhD student. She says, so part of it is, like, oh, we're going to clean up your appetite. I'm, I'm into macrobiotic. So you're going to have a macrobiotic diet. There's a great Patrick's

Stewart line. She's throwing all this shit out of the fridge. And she goes and grabs this tin and throws it. And he fucking takes it out of her hand. It's like, this is Baluga and it's $300 an ounce. Which has anybody like, there's a bit of seen

a tin of caffeine? This is the, you get the butter cookies in this thing. This is the cost coat. Yeah, the Dutch. Butter cookies, tin size. Well, because he's just got caviar at home to nash on. It's not like I'm having company over or there's a wedding that I have to attend. This is just weekday caviar.

Got it. There's several of these in that bridge. There's like eight of these fucking things. All you eating is caviar. That will run up your cholesterol. Pretty high. Pretty bad. I don't see single blints.

I don't see a single thing of crem fresh. Nary a little dill spake. It's just the, it's just the balloon. No, Kari. crackers, none of that shit. I'm a fancy boy. I love a fancy treat. I'm not a big fan of caviar. Is that right? Never had it.

What's he here? I'm too poor for them. I see. I got a marble caviar spoon in that kitchen right now. Oh, wow. Absolutely. Do you have tins? I don't know. We bought a tin one time years ago and it came with the spoon. Big fan. Do they sell it in multiple

pounds? Like he has it? Not that I saw it. It was expensive as fuck. So it is certainly a I think it's like anything, like caviar is good once in a while, but like it's not like an everyday thing. Like, you know, a couple times a year you have it. It's nice. It's the little fish babies. Yeah, little fish babies. And it's not, it's not seminated, right? No, there's no. They're not fertilized. I don't think so. Maybe, maybe. I didn't ask anybody. You might be ingesting some cum. Maybe that's what this is all going to. I know, I know Eric too well. This is all coming back to. It's the most expensive potluck in the world. Yes, Eric. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, a little, like, maybe like a little tiny fish inside one of those bubbles. Oh, yeah. You might end it's life. A little flavor crystal.

Oh, yeah. That's what the pop is. I guess I've had row on sushi. That's it. That's it. Yeah, exactly it. All right. So you've had it.

It's good. I haven't had the, in the Russian stuff. Sure. Yeah. Very solid. The dark stuff. Yeah. But yeah, so she's, my, macrobiotics, all of his food.

Because apparently he's, he, he, uh, not only, you know, to have early onset. Alzheimer's, cholesterol is a problem. Even though this dude, Patrick Stewart is as, which we'll find out later in this film, as fit as he's ever been. Oh, yeah. He looks fantastic in this movie. Absolutely.

So she's like, we do macrobiotic. That's what we're going to do. We're to sit down to dinner. Sit down to dinner. She's got chopsticks. It's like a lot of seaweed kind of scenarios. Looks awful. It all looks awful. Yeah. And he's like, and very silently goes

into the kitchen, brings out a Twinkie with, very George Costanza-esque eating a Twinkie with chopsticks, you know what I mean? He's sucking it out. It's a, it's a twinkie, it's a packet of plain Eminem's and a can of Coca-Cola.

He defiantly eats those M&Ms in her face. It's a scene from blank check. Like, it's not a scene from fucking a movie that's supposed to. It's real little kid shit right here. It turns out it can be both. He might as well be putting cartoons and start jumping in his seat like this. You're just making the movie better and better.

That's the first Twinkie Patrick's Do It Ever Aid, right? That was that. So on page, hey Dave, on page 86, what am I eating in you? We're going to need someone to pump my stomach immediately. Have medics at the ready. You know, one time back on the TNG set, you see, Dawn tried to get me to have one of a, what he called a Twinkie.

And I was like, absolutely not, man. It looks disgusting. I was fooled into eating a ding-dong I shall not eat ethnic food But this is like This is what I was talking about In the intro like he clips off The tip of one as if you're like clipping a cigar

And then takes the bigger piece with the chopsticks And puts the cream hole to his mouth And just starts going to town on this guy It's sucking that thing It's pretty great And then he cracks open the Coke And again, very kidish, he's like, like slurbing, like, fuck you, lady.

And then a big old burp to end it all. Patrick Stewart burping on camera was pretty unsettling, I have to say. I think I would have liked this a lot better if he had just gone full kid and, like, was shaking his ass, everyone. I'm the best guy into world. I'm not going to bed until we watch the minions. Yes, that exactly.

Who is your favorite minion? Mine's Dave. we should watch a bug's life again let's watch it again so wait is that the one with Woody Allen

is that Anne that's Anne oh geez it's me and slice to love playing bugs I'm romancing

Sharon Stone oh right yeah Sharon Stone Ant that's right all those bug movies we gotta do some bug stuff

I actually kind of like a bug's life but ants is a disaster I've never seen either bugs life is Dave Foley's the titular

Dave Foley is the main guy Dennis Leary is the turns of the butterfly I think at the end and then I think the Kevin Spacey's the bad guy Okay so it's like a it's like a reunion of the ref Yeah

Get him all back Let's do it Yeah who's the wife of the ref Judy Davis Yes that's right Jude Davis have a quick supporting role I don't have to look But she'd be welcome of course

Oh absolutely So this is where also like Spoiler alert This is why we said like You should just go watch the movie for you watch, listen to this episode. Kimberly Williams-Paisley is fucking crooked. She's working for Michael Moore,

this whole thing. Blobody, blah-bobody-blow. Part of this, if you were real, if you were not crooked and not trying to get his launch codes and whatever, this is where just a normal person would exit the scenario. This is where he's like, okay, night

one, here are the ground rules. And he starts basically saying, like, you're fucking locked in your bedroom until the sun comes up. And she's like, well, what about the bathroom? He's like, all right. I will, I will bypass the security so you can go to the bathroom. But if you so much as fart in the middle of the night, this will be set off. He gets there, but first he's like, hold it.

Oh, right, yes. Hold it. He just takes out a Home Depot bucket. Here you go. Here's a Folger's coffee can. You ever see the Big Lebowski, do it. Then he folds. He's like, okay, one bathroom.

It's real. And so if I'm like a real person and not a, you know, I'm not. lying about being a daboo. You know, I would be like, oh, this man's like imprisoning me like Stephen Seagall style. I got to get out of here. Yes. That's how that shit starts, dude. It sounds okay. I bet he does

drills too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can run some trills with my maid. Oh, yeah. He drilled. Slap my fat tits, it's my drill. Now I know what it's like if someone would come in here. Slap my fat tits. All right, quick drill.

You have to clean up the body I just made. You're the maid after all. Come on, clean it up. So this is where we also learn about Operation Trojan horse. And we're seeing him. Clearly, this is a routine thing of like, must enter the code to default this launch or else it's going to go. And it's kind of reminded me of like that dude Desmond done lost.

Always has to keep pressing the button every day or else something bad happens, you know. Well, you don't know what the launch is until the very end. Correct. So this could be like the whole house could blow. you were thinking. Because he's fucking he's unhinged and he's ill and you know that yeah that could be anything and we're

saying launch like specifically so that makes you think he does tell father of the bridegirl though that that it will let out all the information about Michael Moore at some point this is that is what this will do yes but we don't know

it at this point so we think it's like a weapons but like he does eventually admit it but then like yeah I would but even if I wasn't that situation, I'd be like, well, I don't know. It's a crazy person. He might also have a bomb in there. Yes. It might be that plus that. And it's kind of cool. It's like you're making this Japanese character properly to be able to do it.

Oh, right. Yeah, he's got to drag these little Yeah. Like the lines to make them all into a word. Yeah. I appreciate those kind of password things over just typing something. At least it's like a little puzzle game. I play my little game. My little memory game. Oh, my God. I've got 30 seconds. I have to identify all the motorcycles in this picture.

Oh, no, it's the big picture where I have to put a bunch of little squares to make a motorcycle, but do I count the man riding the motorcycle? Oh, do I not count the man riding the motorcycle? How is that not steps? That looks like steps. That looks like steps.

How is that not steps? Wait a minute, am I a computer myself? Those are all the fucking crosswalks. What do you want for me? I don't know what you think a palm tree is, but it's not that. Oh, the traffic. lights again. I guess it's a

I guess it's a shrub. Yeah. Okay, maybe. I'll do it again. Recapture. This isn't a motorcycle. It's clearly an electric bicycle. This is bullshit. I got one of those the other day and it was like, identify the bicycles and it was just a motorcycle. And I was just like, do they even know? Maybe the dude, that's how they're trying to trick you though. But I selected it

and it allowed. Oh, really? Oh, no. It's fucked up. It should have been like trick question this is a motorcycle. Yeah, a gun should have came out of the screen. We've now cleaned out your bank account. Yeah, you get beekeeper. Yes, beekeeper. But so, yeah, that's what he's doing every day. How do they become fast friends?

How does the ice start to thaw here? Well, it's kind of like we're trying to do a, she wants to get him out of the house, do a little mobility or whatever. And she's like, hey, why don't you get the mail? And he's like, why don't you make me some lunch and don't tell me what to do? And she's like, all right, here's the deal.

you go get the mail and then get dressed. Yeah, like, I'll get the mail and you get dressed. That's what it is. Because he's like a little kid. He refuses to get dressed or whatever. Why can't I wear the Hawaiian shirt every day? How about this?

I get my own mail and you go fuck yourself. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's so good. I'm wearing the goofy shorts. The shorts with goofy on them. I'm wearing them. Stewart comes and gets the mail for him. brings it into his bunker thing where he's got all the cameras throughout the house on

and that he's watching her in the pool. Definitely what they're both what and he's, Hey, say. Well, this is where Stewart does the Jimmy Stewart impression. Oh, holy shit. Shirt looks like a cute pain in the ass. So she looks great in a black speedo. Oh, I just came by my pants.

Oh, she's great. It's pretty great. So unfortunately, the only way I can have sexual industry with anybody is talking to old Hollywood ways. So I can get it up. Maybe I can ask her out on a date. No, mother, I won't be seeing her again. No, but it's really annoying and it's really like how much do I have to put up with this guy because like Patrick Stewart's like, all right, yes, thank you for the mail. Here's a little something for your trouble and tries to like give him a little tip. And this guy continues the James Stewart impression to try to turn to. You know, turn to.

down the tip and it's like, oh, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-sace, I couldn't take that from you. And I'd be like, that's enough of that. Just take your $10 and go. Just keep quiet. Don't tell anybody what goes on in here. Rique, I want to fuck your maid, Rieck. Okay, now do M. Translate some of those lines.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff before the ice starts melting because he is so stubborn. there's another thing where like he sends her to the grocery store and this is after she has seen the security camera set up and she's like I certainly don't, I certainly hope you don't have one of those in my closet. He doesn't say no and I'm like

or not a shower she says, excuse me and he doesn't say oh that's preposterous of course not he's just like totally silent or whatever like yeah you're fucking show after midnight programming missy that's not during the day oh let's okay it's late at night let's see what all the toilet can

I noticed you haven't been flushing on the regular, Missy. I noticed that microbiotic diet is giving you quite handsome logs. And I want my logs, mister. She goes to the store, and it's the second of a few times you mentioned these. I love hearing Patrick Stewart say coupon. Yes. Oh, you're going to go to the store? Don't forget the coupons.

He tells the maid like, oh, yeah, re-up on the Captain Crunch. I have a coupon. This is an OCD thing for him. Like he's very obsessed with clipping out these coupons. If I was in charge of this guy and I wasn't already certain he was a spy, I would be like, you know what? I would just get every coupon book of good and just put in front of him.

Oh, yeah. There you go. He's just going to do it all day. Just let have fun there, buddy. It could be an OCD thing. He could just be old and cheap. But like, yes. I mean, I guess it's just part of the performance. I mean, because you're right. He is loaded. He doesn't need the coupon. So it could be a compulsive thing. But also he's really. rich and cheap.

I think it's just part of the performance, more than likely. Like, yeah, I got $3 million in a safe in my closet. But yes, I need to save 50 cents on cereal. And why does he? Because of couponing. Yes. Oh, you're right. Because I only pay, I only pay 90 cents from my canola oil.

This is sparking a memory. Was there a doc or maybe it was like part of a TV show or something about, about people in New York that are like insane coupons? There was a show. I don't know if it was New Yorkcentric. There was a show. I was just about to ask you guys. because I never watched it.

It was called Extreme Coupa. What? And it was a reality show. Yes. I can only presume about the cheapest people on the plane. And I'm sure it was on A&E because they're a very sensitive network over there. One of those was like an A&E or a TLC thing. Arts and Entertainment.

The Learning Channel. Of course it would be there. These are sensitive people that were learning things about, it's not a freak show. What are you talking about? No. Because the whole thing would be like you'd see these people at the grocery store, whatever. And they'd be a shit ton of stuff.

And then it's like, like you just find. your taxes like this you a stack of coupon paper a nightmare for a you know the cashier 19 year old yeah or someone elderly themselves or something like an underpaid person going through this like your tax

basic tax documents that's how it feels to go through all those fucking coupons and on the other side of it like they come out of the store and it's like see I got all this stuff for $20 or whatever it is and you're like and all right that's a show that's a show very rarely like the people who actually need to do that oh like

Very rare. There you go, just like Mace. But while she's out, he has, like, this, he's got this real industrial metal detector, like a real... It's an airport wand. Yes, exactly. It's got the yellow writing on the side of it. Really nice piece.

And he's just going through her room and then going, oh, look at this bra. Oh, I wonder if there's an underwire. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. No metal in here, but I better get my thermometer out because these panties are hot. The black light, it was a little drippage. You know what?

Let's take some pictures so I can get some dupes and take some of these for myself back to the hidden room. I'm surprised he doesn't make a dummy of her. Listen, I went to there with the best intentions. I was like, dude, you're going to go in there? You're going to check and see if she's a Soviet spy.

And then the next thing I know, I'm jerking off. And I mean, I just, I didn't expect it to happen, but it just started. I was like, well, let me just sit on the bed. Oh, he's a nice pad. He said, now I'm jerking out. And I didn't even realize until the post nut clarity that the Soviet Union has fallen.

I'm just going to hope she doesn't have a wand or a black, like, because this could really be a problem for me. There's definitely a moment where he's like raiding that panty drawer and he fucking pulls up a bra and he stares at it for way too long. You're a fucking 60 year old man, you know what this is. You have internet access. I seen it. Especially in the last act, the sexual tension between them becomes very strange.

It's very, it's like where is this movie going? Because, like, yeah, once everything does melt away, there is especially one, like, romantic date night where I was like, what's going to happen? Exactly. But so, like, you know, he leaves the wand. You know why? Because he was so posting that,

oh, man, I got to get out of. He jacked off. Oh, no. I left my metal detector there, man. I was so concerned about flushing the tissues down the toilet. I forgot about the goddamn metal detector. I was so certain I wouldn't find a magenta g-string

but that's my kryptonite man every time oh great now I'm jerking up awesome this is you know I go in there with the best intentions in the world and I start jerking off you know what he does to calm himself down though I think because right after

that the panty raid happens it's just this random scene of him he's honestly dressed exactly like Chevy Chase and Christmas vacation when he's watching the home movies because he's just got this big bathrobe on and he's projecting home movies onto a wall

and I was like, is this how you're coming down from the panty rain? He's got the panties in his hand. He's looking at the screen and what a wonderful feeling family together. Christmas is the time of year.

Crying. But it's weird the home movies. They're like cheesecake video of his wife. It's like very like sexy wife stuff. But the little kid is. there, too. I think it's, it might be a pool situation. And this is the, because they don't mention it. I don't think any other place. I'm like, all right, well, he's

like a widower, I guess. Like, this lady's kicked off. I lost my hot wife. We used to have such wonderful weekends where we'd meet the nicest people who would fuck her. We were riding the bus one day and then Michael Moore got on and

sat on her. He thought she was a Chrysler manufacturer. but we also just a quick aside because we see at some point the daughter the dirter's home life and she's got this husband

named Jeff or whatever the fuck yeah and like he is just calling Patrick Stewart dad and I mean like never gonna happen dude I have a mother-in-law we have a great relationship I got you're announcing this no I guess a don't expect that from me

I'm not I'm not calling him mom. I'm not calling anybody. No. I have one mother in this. Get that straight, Janet. Okay. I'm not calling you mom. Okay, Janet. I've never done that either. No, it's just it's. The expectation was never there. And B, I also get around calling her anything if I can. You know, it's just an awkward scenario. You there. Exactly. Hey. I used to, I used to definitely be that way with the first names. I'm over that. But never. Never would my father-in-law be dad or my mother-in-law be mom. And they also never, because sometimes it's put upon by the elder, right?

Where it's like, oh, you can call me dad. And I'd be like, I'm going to call you Al. You know what I mean? So thankfully there was none of that. But this guy's really pushed it. And Patrick Stewart, here's the thing. You get one. Greg or Dan or Biff, whatever this guy's name is. Like, you get one. You throw out the dad.

This guy says, fuck you, motherfucker. Don't call me dad. That's it. That's the only time you do it. Anybody ever tells you that you, they can call you out. You just say, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. No, no, no. Hey, speaking of Chevy Chase.

Yes. Oh, how about that? I like how those things turn out sometime. Of course. Then there's like, she yells at him about the spying. Of course, yes. You left this one. This is real kid shit.

She's like, what is your metal detecting one doing in my room? And he's like, ah, that's not mine. But even if it was, and I'm like, dude, this is awful. It's so embarrassing. That's actually Stewart's one. He has, I bought him one. I shouldn't have done it. That's my problem.

Stuart shirt off on your panties. We were doing a drill and then Stuart just sometimes if you punch a man in the stomach hot enough, he will come. So that is what happened between, that explains everything. That's how Houdini died. That's right, dude. He got punched in the stomach by that upstart college kid. Yeah. He just came so hard.

He came so hard. Every, like, so hard that, like, your intestines come out. It's the most dangerous fetish in the world. Come punching. Caught them busters. We have another steward scene here. A belly buster. Oh, no.

Oh, could you give me a belly buster, please? We don't do that here, okay? You know what? We had people die here because of that shit. Yeah, a little bit of a... I'll take the around the world, half and half, and a belly buster, please. What does it say on the sign?

What does it say on the sign? No belly busters. What does it say? Well, I don't know where to go. now that belly busters themselves have closed. It's not the sandwich. Yeah, so this is, it's a real like, she's, uh, what's that? There's another drill. No, yeah, this is

exactly where it is because it's like she's, she's berating him like, this is all fake, you're being paranoid, blah, blah, blah, and then they're doing a little bit of like a walk and talk through the house. And uh-oh, she spies, a rope has come down from a skylight and she's like, oh no, he was right all along. Oh, shit. shit, you know, and she starts getting freaked out or whatever. And this dude has

entered the house at this point. And it's another fight right here, I think. Yes. Yeah, big old fight. We're like breaking art off the wall. She hits him over the head. She's nervous. She's, like, oh, my God. Patrick Stewart himself is being garreted at this point because dude comes up behind him and starts

choking. Also, what's the safe word, Stuart? Like, at one point, Twinkie. Dude, it's just he's best... Belly-faster! When I say belly buster, that's cold for you to stop and then punch me in the guts so that I can finally come. I don't care if I die. I need a belly buster.

Look, I'm into dangerous sex, okay? Oh, after this, we're going to wrap a belt around our neck and fix it to the door now. Last weekend, me and Stuart saw the cell, and that guy's got a great idea for hanging from the ceiling. Oh, man. Yeah, I mean, the body modification now, man. It's pretty cool. Why are you so scared of some hoax in your back? What's so bad about that?

I mean, we just went to see, because we just both love Vince Vaughn so much, but then all of a sudden, I'm watching this cool movie. That part, though, where DeNafrio hangs from those, I almost vomited. In the theaters, where I saw the cell, by the way. That movie is, I've rewatched it. A, you forget that the actual,

when they're outside of the actual cell, it's all like early fucking digital video it looks horrible is that right it looks so fucking bad and it's not like all like bleed out like white stuff but you do get some of that it just looks like absolute garbage I think a couple years ago because I've never

seen it I tried to watch the cell and that turned me off so much and it took so long to get to the cell I just turned it off it takes a long time because you have to the first girl's got to die before we even fucking get there and it's all like fake silence of the lambs like oh he's playing a game with us and blah I took a lady

to it, and I was like, this isn't going anywhere. No way. A date to the cell. Jennifer Lopez film makes sense. That's true. It must be a rom-com. Yes. Wedding Planner, the Cell. Same difference. J-Lo, Dinoffrio, and Vince, I mean,

that's a decent cast. Yeah. Oh, yeah, maybe. Yeah, no, that, but, well, so wait, though, when they get into, because it's all like, you're going into his mind, right? That's the thing. Is that, like, shot on 35? Like, is that, like, better? I mean, I didn't look at the, exactly what Switch. it just looks so much better

as compared to... But you're saying the digital video goes away. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know if they like did something to process it

in a different way or whatever, but it looks... Probably not, but it just, it looked so much better than the real stuff. I remember kind of liking it. I think you probably had a DVD when I met you.

Bonop, but no, but no, but no, yes, I did. Yeah, because all the stuff in the cell is cool, but like getting in there,

man, it takes fucking forever. That Tarsum guy made another movie that people like. Yeah. Is that any good? I didn't see that. I never saw it.

No, right. But so, like, now. And the fall? The fall is what I was thinking of, actually. They thought, it thaws because the, the, the dirter calls in the height of where, like, maybe you're going to take Stewart to a hospital or something. Like, you know, pulling shit out of his ass and something. He's like, ow, ow.

And, like, the dirter calls, and Andy covers for him. Yeah, that's right. This is where the melting starts. Yeah, nothing's going on. Everything is great. Don't worry about it. Wow, that was pretty cool, man. You could have knocked me.

out pretty bad. You owe me big time. Do they go out to dinner here? She's making him a dinner now and he's kind of cooler with it. There is romantic music playing. How about a Mamba? Yeah, dude, I thought a Mamba was going to break out. I was like, what the fuck

is he trying to pull him this movie? A joke of like one, two, three, four, five. Everybody get that get around a ride. There is an illusion to like, are they fucking right now? Are they fucking? Because it's like, oh, Oh, that's, oh, no, yeah, because it's, that's, oh, right.

They have a nice dinner, and it's like, oh, this is a nice dinner. He's like, you know, I have, not only is the burruga so expensive, I have something else. And she's like, what's that? And, yeah, it's the stupidest pan over. It's a fucking fake out where she's, like, moaning it's, I mean, they're like almost being like, is it going to fit? I got it in here, but I wrote it all down. I wish isn't going to fit with you. It's close.

Moby Dick. and then you if his heart was a cannon he'd shoot it at it or whatever the fuck See they agree to like start over is what it is And so she's like You know all right let's start over And he's like I'm Mace

And like the saxophone right here takes off So then She says she says like Oh well you know It's alright like a glass of wine's not gonna kill you And he goes well I'm in charge of dessert And it cuts

Yes. And it's like the camera is also like on the floor doing a really slow pan. Yes. And you hear, don't fight it. Just enjoy it. Then she says, I shouldn't be doing this mace. It's wrong. And then nonsense. It's 50% fat free. Oh, ice cream joke. Oh, man. Okay. You know what? That's great. Can we please go on to the next scene? Everybody like, oh. Like it's just like you're not even trying. Because you haven't even done anything to suggest like... They're going to fuck. Yeah, yeah. Well, the saxophone. But they're just laying that on. It's not like anything in the characters was just like... Shouldn't have this been the end, though?

Like, because after this, they go outside and he's playing acoustic guitar. Yes. Yeah, just romantically playing some classical acoustic guitar. And I was like, this guy's trying to get laid. He's health care worker. Well, she's 40 years younger than him. That's Patrick Stewart's M.O., dude. That's true.

Let me see if I can play any Dave Matthews band. My wife's son. Oh, Sunny is mentioned All over my memoir No words exchange No time to exchange When all the little ends are marching Red and white and in the real hair

Commit this guy They all do it the same way Hey could you cut that out Oh no, yeah man I will after Gray Street God damn. Oh, from the solo? Yeah, of course, man.

It's the good stuff. I mean, that's, I mean, like, you must imagine, like, oh, yes, I learned a little Spanish guitar after I did the coup. There's something like that because there's a point earlier, it doesn't matter when, but she's like, oh, I think it's like day one. It's like, oh, do you like music? And she goes to turn on a CD player. And it is some kind of like Latin jazz, something or other.

And he, like, quickly uses a remote to turn it off. But, like, I want whatever. Oh, I got into this music. whatever assassination I was a part of. I was the guy that handed Castro, the exploding cigar. It was a fiasco. I'm big into samba, man. It's so good.

But like this whole romantic thing is destroyed because he asks her some question and she answers and he's noodling on the guitar and then he freezes. Yes. And then asks her the same question again. It's like, ah, night's over. He realized, this is around the point where, A, he goes back to. Hector Alizondo dressed as a Hasidim, Hecidic Jew,

this is, that's for some So we're back here, what do you need? Can the movie end? Now this is the scene where I come dressed up to the doctor as the Hebrew Hammer. Oh my gosh. But, and also he's doing all these mental acuity tests in, on his own, which is like, I need to count backwards from 100 with, you know,

using number only fours or whatever. Right. The other one's going backwards with price. to whatever. In order. Yes. And like he keeps fucking it up. But it's, you know, and again, like, it is Patrick Stewart.

So like, some of these actually are very affecting when he's like, they are fucking good. I'm like, I can't get it right. Yes. And then you're like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Oh, boy. It is funny. It's, uh, good stuff.

Candy. What's my twist. Well, that's why it's hard to take seriously, Chris. Because it's that weird thing we're like a real actor's in a bad movie. And those, the moments where he's acting as good as he's ever been and stuff, you know what I mean? I mean, that's weird. This is on the director, be like, you know what? Less talent.

Let's bring it back a little bit. Lighten it up a touch. Oh, so you're saying this director was too good. Patrick Stewart's too good. And he should have been like, you know what? This is a movie just with you and the lady from Father of the Bride that's not Diane Keaton. So, you know, just pay a seat. They're becoming friends.

and it's like, hey, let's do a poker night. The fun thing about poker night is we're going to play with candy and stuff. I think really quickly, first, he drives home with the dirter. Oh, right. And he's like, this is a bad one. There is a bomb under your sheet. And this, honestly, this scene is way too long. It is like 10, 15 minutes of this drama of him getting out the club to make it like,

so there's like pressure on the seat so it doesn't explode. And he says specifically, oh, yeah, no, I didn't place that bomb here. I don't, so it's just like, okay, I'm going to take your word for it, dad. Right. And she's freaking out. And then he gets out. He's like, Stuart, you scab.

Yes, it's fake. This is where, like, if I'm this daughter, I'm calling this guy and I'm like, do not come near my father ever again. If you do, I'm calling the police and have you.

Actually, as a matter of fact, you dirty rat. I'm hanging up, Stuart. You dirty rat. I'm hanging up. You're going to kill your father. You dirty rat. That constitutes a threat.

Don't start with the cagney. I swear to fucking God. Oh, my God. But, like, you need to keep this guy. away from your father. I would be like, you know what? I got to get my father away from me. You know

what? Also that. You have this safe house. You're a bagillionaire. Have enjoyed it if you die with the fucking ceiling crashing in on you. So be it. I might be calling Thomas Michael Moore to be like he lives here. Here's the pass code. Yeah, do something.

But yes, then now we're playing poker with candy and it's we're having fun with smoke. He's wearing a dumb hat. No, actually, it's before poker. Yes, it's chess. We're playing chess. This chess set, by the way, it's now two movies. Big chess.

It is big chess. I mean, but now this is two movies that Patrick Stewart's in where I'm envious of the chessboard. The one that he uses with him and Magneto at the end of the first X-Men movie. Yeah. That fucking rules too. But this one, yeah, they're huge. They're like each piece is like the size of a cookie jar. It's crazy.

Because X-Men is 2000, right? You're doing the history of chess and first. film. No, no, I'm just sort of more curious about Patrick Stewart. He must have been so desperate for that fucking X-Men at this point. Like, he's doing Safehouse 98. Like, you know what I mean? It's like well, because he had had at this point

TNG's over, right? T&G's long over. First contact and insurrection have already come out. Yeah. And they catch me. I was a bigger role in L.A. story and then they cut me down. Oh, is he in L.A. story? He's the

guy who owns the restaurant that everybody's trying to get into. Oh, big year for him in 98. I apologize. I take it all back. Okay. So, 97, he does masterminds. Great film. Conspiracy theories this year, too.

He's in a short called Star Trek the experience the Klingon encounter, which I imagine is some sort of theme park, right? Yes. Yes. I think when they had that string of like weird Paramount Studios theme parks that were around. Oh, really? Yes, but the only reason I've never been to one, but the only reason I

know of them is because in the backs of like Star Trek books that I would read, they advertise like come to these theme parks but it was in like Indianapolis and I was like I'm never going to go Are there play? I wonder if there's ones like that and there's just overgrown Oh yeah. With fucking all this shit there

I would love that. There had never been a clean enough experience here Never ever There he's in a movie called Wayfinders called As Captain Cook He's in Star Trek Insurrection Sure he's in Safehouse and he's in a movie

Which I now need to watch called Dad Savage playing Dad Savage. What the fuck? Is this like, he's like a father that's like violence? What's that about? Six people were the captain fantastic. By our lawsuit, we couldn't say Doc Savage. So we're doing it this way. Six people become embroiled in mayhem and murder when Dad Savage attempts to determine who murdered his son and stole his stash of cash. Wow. Sounds amazing. That's amazing. Who else is in this? Kevin McKidd, which is something. Is that the guy from all?

the Stephen Summers movies? The Kevin of Kids train spotting, who is also on Rome for a bit. Big Scotsman. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Oh, he's on what do you call it there? Grays Anatomy forever now, the blonde guy. Excuse me, he was the groom and maid of honor. Made of honor I saw in theaters.

Michelle Monna, the guy she's going to be with. Yeah. Oh, okay. Got it, got a got. Big hunk. But yeah, so they're playing chess, and she's like, man, you're going to beat me, Mace. And he's like, oh, really? You want to make it interesting. And it's like, okay, you know, if you win, you can eat whatever you want. And if I win, you have to go outside. It's like, let's make it more interesting. Uh, hmm, let's, oh, what should it be? If I lose, I'll wash your underwear for a week. And I would hate that. It would be so bad if I had

to do that. If I would lose, you give me your dirty panties that I can sniff. I mean, clean. You know what? torture me even more. I have to stare at your feet for 25 minutes straight while you wiggle your toes. Oh yes. If I lose, I have to wash your clothes wearing nothing but a maid uniform while you call me a pig.

You see, if you lose, we have filthy sex. Wait a minute. Okay, double or nothing, you have to belly bust me. And of course, the editing joke here is immediately after that, he says that. It cuts to Patrick Stewart doing laundry.

And it's another him holding a bra up as if he's never seen one of these things. Sniff, sniff, before you smell like that pesky laundry detergent, let me sniff, sniff. After he gets a crane to move his chest piece, these fucking things. Yeah, these things are pretty big.

But so, like, now we're fast friends. And now the idea is, like, every day she's going to take him out a little bit. He's in a total bomb squad outfit. Dude, he's walking outside, like, fucking hurt locker with this thing on. David Morris's his neighbor, like, God damn. That's the hell. God damn. I mean, I just, damn.

It's my favorite part of that movie. He's really impressed. God damn. God damn, Jeremy Redder. I never seen no shit like that. God damn. But this is a round, too, where, like, yes, we're making progress, but also, like, he's digressing because this is where he's shooting at the fake gophers.

Yeah, the lily's. yeah you kill my fucking lilies and like she's got a great line here she runs out grabs the gun away from him says Jesus Christ what are you a branched Davidian yes ooh nice sick burn sick burn of she is late

sick burn because the Waco burn but yeah this is it's very weird oh this is also the other thing too is yelling about the live rounds yeah because like we're using all these like paint bullets and whatever for the drills but

you're telling me this guy's got live ammo in the house you got to call somebody you have to I mean again he's going to kill himself or someone else look we learned our lesson with Leonard you know it's happened we learned from it and we not were a little bit safer about it there's a really funny part where this fucking stewart's over like cleaning the pool again and andy's like you know just kind of like you know uh spilling what's been going on and whatever and the guy, this is a crazy line where this guy goes, they don't get me wrong.

I love him like a father. And I was like, do you, Stuart? Do you really? Does he know that? Because he might fire you if he knew that. Like, I don't know. I don't want this guy as myself. I love him like a father.

He lets me sleep in his shed. He pretends he doesn't know I'm there. And he pretends that he likes my Montgomery Clifton. So you know what? It's pretty good. Around here we get another like check in. What's the state of the election? election. Oh, yes, because he's doing the

Flogs, yes. Yes, it's kind of like a captain's law. It is, dude. Yeah, it's pretty great. One of the things it's like, oh, dear Lord, if he takes the critical primaries of New Jersey and New Mexico, it's over. Yes. What? Well, I was just, those two. I was very strange.

Very odd. He's a GOP. They say very, yeah, he's a Republican. Yeah, it's like, I was like, all right. You know, but I guess, Eric, this is also the same scene where he is shaving with his toothbrush. So maybe he's just getting the states mixed.

Fair enough. But he does say a line here too where he's like, oh, Michael Moore must be close to making his move. What with everyone else now being dead. And you see the thing. And it's only Mace Lowell's name. Everyone else is lined out and read. Yeah, maybe you should have just spilled the beans on this whole thing before all those other guys died too. Yeah. We see him. There's a part where he can't remember the puzzle. And this is like a

big tense moment because at this point, we still don't know if this is like actual launching a device, some sort of incendiary thing or whatever. And he's like, oh, this stupid Japanese character, I can't figure it out. You know, it's a Japanese figure for come to fuck on. This is where we get the poker night. The poker night, yes. And fuck it. Oh, man.

What's to say? Stuart, because of course he is, he's wearing a vest and he's got like the armhole. The old timey card dealer, whatever the fuck that thing was for. If I invited you for a poker night and you dressed like that, I'd fucking kick you out. I'm like, dude, this is, no, this is embarrassed. Is that a costume party, man? I want to just chill out. Drink some beer and play some poker.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's the Michelin, man. Get the fuck out. You know what it reminded me of? That terrible episode of 902 and O, where they have, they sneak into the club thing. And they're playing like Steve Sanders and everybody are dressed up like old gangsters playing cards. Everyone's talking like bogey. some reason? At least it's, you know, well, is Stewart doing a voice

here or not? Are we just playing cards? I don't remember. I don't remember, but at least they're children in 902. They're supposed to be. Well, that's true. Yeah. To it's well into his words. Patrick Stewart is saying that they're smoking cigars. And Stewart's just like this, just everybody knows that Cuban cigars are illegal.

But in pop culture, we have to remind people. And it's like, oh, yes, these Cubano's man. And he's like, but, but Mace, aren't those illegal in these United States and it's like some great Patrick Stewart line where he's like oh yes but the illegality adds to the thrill and the deliciousness. This was us all easing ourselves into

nobody really cares about Cuba right I mean like come on you know what after a foggy day in Dallas I never had to pay for a Cuban cigar ever again me and George Bush Sr. were just hang around on that cold day

in 60 update my dossier program Lee Harvey Oswald crossed that right. Oh, Jack Ruby, what's that? Another red line. Oh, every, every month like clock where Castro sends me a rum cake and a case of cigars. It's lovely. That would be beautiful. You know, the guy from Cheers played me in JFK. So here, Mace Patrick Stewart tries to do an impression back to him, and it's terrible. Blows up in his face. Like, are you, uh, well, Stuart, are you ready for another drill?

dot dot punk I was like oh so it's an Eastwood line but that ain't no Eastwood impression he just goes a little bit low he's ready for another drill punk it's like okay are you doing a Patrick Stewart impression

what's going on here and he starts getting confused at the table and then it's like maybe you're all in on it together Bob or something like that you want me to be unprepared for for Michael Moore and you can come in here any moment

And he could turn up the fucking temperature to Fahrenheit 4-9-11, I mean. I don't think I can face the awful truth, which was his show that he had for a little while. Oh, my God, I might actually be dementia because I confuse Fahrenheit, the Bradbury 451 with the 9-11. That's what's a reference on.

Dad, let's get you to the doctor. I'm just out back trying to skin my rabbit like a normal person, and Michael Moore, my breaking-hill. with his camera, just because I bashed it on the head with a flying pan. Sometimes we have to make stew, Michael Moore. That is a crazy scene in Roger.

Oh, yeah, it's a great movie. I mean, it is a great movie, yeah. Oh, that Michael Moore, he's responsible for so many tragic murders. You could say he's sick. Oh, nice. Yes, does everyone remember his not well-watched health insurance video?

Apparently not because it was called Sicko. Oh, Sicko, that's right. I think so, right? Sick was the COVID-stabbing comedy, right? Not comedy. Poor movie. Pretty good little horror movie. It was not bad.

Yeah, yeah. It was. Kevin Walker. And I think it's, and what's the son? Joe. The guy that wrote Scream. Hymns. Yes.

Highams. The Hymns. William's boy. Williamson. Kevin Williamson script and the Hymbs boy. They're like in the house. It's low budget. They go over the grocery store and stuff.

But yeah, it's full COVID. Slasher. Yeah, I think I saw it. It's like it's a pseudo home. invasion thing? Yeah, okay. I think we talked about it on on screen. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was fun. It's one of the better of the COVID movies I've seen.

Like, those have been pretty bad. What are the COVID movies? There have been a hundred. I forget them immediately because they'll suck. Well, one that I didn't think sucked was, uh, the short one there that was on a shutter where it's like, oh yeah, the Zoom Seance movie. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't, it wasn't

explicitly, right? Host. Yeah, it wasn't explicitly like COVID. I mean, they were locked down because of COVID, but like that was it. They didn't play any other real role in it. But, you know, it's like 50 somewhat minutes. Like it was totally fine. And that person's follow-up film was abysmal and unwatchable called Dashcam. I remember you're telling me about that. You can fucking skip that. So this is when Andy as a present decides to give, uh, Mace one more drill with Stewart. Yeah. So now there's two of them and like this is, I mean, again, like he's just, get him good. He should, he should. They do indeed. They get him. How do. How do? How did we get him? Well, it's like he's to, he's the middle of the night, right? It's the middle of the night. Thunderstorm. They got the power. Well, there's some sort of, there's got to be a deleted something or other because he's taking like a super shower.

Yes. Like he's showing, but it's like he's really, he's getting the fucking fingy nails. Like he's real like something happened to him. Like this is like he should also be like germaphobe or something. It doesn't make sense the way he's. Well, no, they actually say in the early goings that something, something, an early sign of early onset Alzheimer's. is a obsession with being clean.

Oh, is that right? I guess what Hector Elizondo spit that out at me. But so that's what he's doing. That's what he's doing. And it's kind of great because it's Patrick Stewart, like, you get a lot of butt in this scene? A lot of butt. And there's a lot of, like, front, like, pelvic area.

Com gutters. The shadow, like, over, covers up, like, the crotch. But, like, you're getting right on that inner thigh for the shower scene in Safe House. Yeah, it's pretty hot. This was the moment I decided to do on-camera nudity, safe house. I just had to let everybody know

what I'm willing to do in a major motion picture. You want to see my butt? Well, you didn't see my butt. You fools didn't watch Dad Savage where I'm totally nude. See, I can act in a wheelchair. That's why I did conspiracy theory. That's, yeah, so he's showering,

the power gets cut. he is running around this house only in this towel and like he's got night vision goggles on he looks out at the pool and he sees two people and for us in the movie this is like oh it's always been one so oh here's it's a real deal thing and he is crouching down looking I mean first of all we're doing night vision that silence of the lambs you're running around with a gun like that

sorry but then he's crouching in this towel oh yeah and the camera is in front of the crouch capturing it all and I was like cinematographer, you got to be very careful with these shadows. If one ball goes loose, man, it's over for you. He can be hanged the brain in any second. It happens. It can happen any day.

But so he, and again, because he knows it's a drill somewhere in his brain, he does pull out the paintball gun and shoots them both, but then he also gets shot and he starts screaming and driving. He's scared. He's like in the fetal position on the floor. It was like, see, this is now a drill

too far. It's awesome. So now no more drills. like that, Chris? I'm very fond of the fetal position. That's kind of like on the kid's scope, you know, the highs and lows. Oh, yes, it definitely is. And I'm just laughing.

I'm just like, oh, man, this movie. Chris, I think you're misunderstanding it. We laugh at the parts that are funny in this movie. We weren't laughing at that part. I was going to say, that might be your take. That was a knee slapper. But so he goes back to Hector Elizondo, and Elizondo's like, I'm definitely going to change your meds at this point.

you know let's adjust some things also on this new medicine he specifically states because this is like what the sad end of this movie is he's like any kind of like surprise kind of trauma thing could completely destroy your mental faculties

is what he says and it's like got it there won't be any more action in this film mister don't worry about that and then now he's being you know good he's eating the macrobotic food he's cooking it himself he's trying to impress them he's trying to he's like yeah i'll take whatever pills i don't know how he fucks up boiling seaweed whatever's going on here because like he's cooking and it is of course oh he's

bad at it but like he just picks up this huge thing of seaweed out of a boiling pot of water he's like oh that's terrible it's like what did you just you're boiling a leaf it's a little thing but what is like if this is what happens to him what was like what did cobra commander tell Kimberly what's her name to be like well if he actually you know submits I mean let him alone I guess I guess we don't kill him then

well that's the thing why keeping her as this like secret agent sucks because you don't know like you get the motivation all spit out at the end of the movie when things have gone tits up and her whole thing is she wants apparently Michael Moore is aware of the story and everything

and she wants to get his the password And there are zero clues or breadcrumbs that she's crooked throughout this movie, which is nothing. Kind of a problem. But yeah, so now they're fast friends. Every day he's going out a little bit more and he's wearing less and less of the bomb outfit. You know what I mean? Until one day.

Well, we do a, there's another like, he's, again, this is, I was like, are they going on a date? Because they're like dressed up all fancy and she's blindfolding him going to the backyard. And this was a really funny moment because he goes, Merry Christmas. And I was like, is it Christmas there? Can we trust this guy that it's Christmas? Because there's no Christmas decorations in the movie. There are Christmas lights out. Are there?

Yes. Well, his backlight. Oh, yeah. Those are just white outside lights. California, you can never tell. Yeah, you would never be able to tell. But you can tell lethal weapon. Yeah, it's true.

I'm saying there's no. Well, yeah, to put the Christmas music on the thing. I know. And all of these things, you could put something in to like make me believe that it's actually Christmas. If we brought a Christmas tree in here, Michael Moore could have put a vicious, vicious squirrel in there. Any minute. And they're going to dance.

And then this is some more sexy stuff where she goes, assume the position, Mr. Soul. And he's like, oh, I love it when you boss me around. Pegging, pegging, peg. At least telling me it's a paddle. If it's not a peg, that's fine. We can build up to that. But a paddling at least.

How about one more drill into my ass? I just wanted to be those bulls. who got slammed by the baseball players and dazed and confused. That's what I always wanted to be. Smack my fanny. Ben Affleck, me next. Me next, oh, bad end.

No, make sure you put the hole in it, so there's no resistance. It's got to go straight to the ass. There's a weird line, too. So they're like sort of slow dancing. And she has put whatever this song is on, right? And they're dancing. And he goes, that's not dancing.

Oh, yeah. This is dancing. the sudden, the soundtrack turns into, you wouldn't steal a car, would you, kind of music? And he's, like, really just going and, like, tossing her all over the dance floor and everything. And I was like, where did this come from? Yeah, the propeller heads start coming back here and we're just having fun and dancing around. I get, like, that's the thing is, like, techno music of the time, unless you're, like, raving, like, that makes sense. But, like, trying to do normal dancing.

It looks very weird. Well, the popular shit in the United States at the time, techno wise, was like the prodigy. Prodigy Chemical Brothers Chemical Brothers for sure Yeah And that's not really Dancing music Like a little bit

But you're again You're doing rave moves You're like jumping around You're not to be on some ketamine For those dancing You're not trying to like Swobby move around Like trance music or something

Well I guess yeah If you were doing like House Yes house And so this is where He's Patrick Stewart's from the UK He's probably does it's all about He was at the Hasienda

Man Last days I was there In Berlin. But this is like, they've had this nice, again, it's another pseudo date. And this is where he spills all the beans about the control room. And this is my dead man switch. And the story's going to go out to all the big, the major news outlets in the world that he's been having all these people killed.

And she's looking at all this like dead body footage. Yes. Oh, geez, Mace. Turns out this is real. Huh? Then the next day, wouldn't you know? a triumphant day. He's outside. He's not wearing any protective gear. And a car swerves in front of him

and he opens fire. It just opens fire on this car. It throws her to the ground and opens fire on this car. Here's the thing though. So we learn it's like, oh, they were neighbors on the way to the daughter's bat mitzvah. You ruined the Tubin's daughter's bat mitzvah. And fucked her up for life, she said. Is that amazing? You're just going to your bat mitzvah and Patrick's Jewish. You just get you. at your car. But this car, the way they...

Oh, sorry, that was not anti-Semitic. I'm just insane. No, no, no. I actually dress up like some of you people sometimes. But the car is shown speeding towards them and getting faster. And I was like, what is this then? They're in a rush. A rush for the bus.

They'd rush to get to the bat mitzvah. L.A. traffic? Forget about it. Not a horn, though. I mean, this would definitely, Andrew, what you're saying would definitely be good in court. Look, it's worth in front of me, so I killed the girl. So what? Well, because they say you're lucky they're not pressing charges. They're not

pressing charges. Well, because again, another weird thing about this is, and I guess it's just a cheap movie and you can't be like actually having these kind of effects, but like, he's shooting at the car and nothing's happening to it. And I was bulletproof. I was like, it's a bulletproof car and it's speeding up. This is, here's the big one. This is the real fucking deal. This is not a drill.

And then they're like, oh, it was the neighbors. And I was like, the neighbors doing 70, like seeing him in the road and accelerating, not honking a horn, and then also the car appeared to be bulletproof. I'm on Patrick Stewart's side with this one. You know, he should have shot more is what he should have done until they would break through. If any of his cameras picked it up, maybe he would have a defense. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah, also, I surveil all my neighbors.

Don't worry about it, Your Honor. What defense? You're not allowed to just draw on a car that comes to you, dude. Well, you know, he used to work for the government. Got it. I mean, nobody got hurt, man. I mean, come on. Listen, this neighborhood has to be used to the sound of gunfire

because he's fucking firing that gun every morning at the gophers. Yeah, yeah. It's adorable. It's true. I mean, he's only going to jail for five years. So now the sister and the son-in-law and Kimberly or Andy are all just, when you get rid of all the guns in the house, it's overweight. Disarm him.

Yeah, and he's watching them talk about it through his son. snipers. Oh, dude, that is so crazy. Like, you don't realize what's happening in the first, like, the first person in the crosshairs is that daughter, and I was like, he's going to do it. Oh, this will write the ship. I was waiting to put it back in where he finds and Schindler. There we go. Yeah, so they're like, we got to stretch it a bit. Confiscate everything that looks like a weapon. They're taking the decorative stuff off the wall. They're taking stuff. Oh, not this room. You're signing my death wounds. Also, you will not take my 300-year-old sword.

This is great. And he almost decapitates the sun, which is the son-in-law. He puts the knife, I mean, the blade right up to his neck. And this is where you, like you as the son-in-law, Gus or Gill, whatever he is, who cares. You got to be like, all right, I'm dropping the dead thing. Yes. This guy almost decapitated me. Clearly he's not playing with a full deck. Why chance it? But yet, he persists.

Yeah. He must really be in love or he wants to die. One or the other. But I think Patrick's student even says it and someone's like, oh, dad, this and that. You just want me to be your father so that I can pass on all of my money to you.

That's a long short of it, dude. No, no, dad. I love being almost decapitated when I come and check on you. I don't want your money. He kind of has like a flip out or whatever because he's upset about the clearing out of all the weapons and it's like

he's taking it out on Andy. Like, he's laying in his bed with the sword. Like, what it looks like when you bury a night. Like, he just has this, like, sword on his chest. And he starts doing, like, an impression ever. Like, oh, I'm Andy. Why don't you come outside with my macrobiotic food? Yeah, cool.

No, Gus, you cannot take my coins. They won't let me into the Continental again. Please, please. Give me back my coins. And he says, Miss Mary Poppins had to take me for a fucking walk in the hill. Yes. Oh, man. It's great.

But, you know, now he's, and he knows it's just a matter of days before Michael Moore gets him. We get a mailman fake out. Yes, we're getting paranoid about the mailman. The mailman's a lot. The billman comes to the door. He's like, hey, oh, you know, the other mailman's or his kids having a baby. He's with them. Okay. I need you to sign this. Okay. Oh, my pen's broken. He goes, wait here, please. He leaves. This mailman? goes inside the house? No way. Yeah. I'm going to stand my ground, motherfucker.

Well, yeah. Oh, wait, we're not in Florida. Whoever is having the grandfather is about to have a baby here, they should have called him and be like, look, this guy has guns. Not one gun, guns. So he, just leave it for him.

Whatever it is, just leave it. Oh, hey, Dave, you're filling in for me this weekend, right? Yeah, because my daughter's going to be having the kid. Yeah, okay, listen, this guy is crazy. whatever you do don't walk into his house without him knowing. He walks in and he's like, oh, I knew

I had a backup so he's got another pen. Scene kind of comes to nothing, but it leads us to a nightmare. Which is good. It's somebody cleaning the pool and it's this guy and it's like what happened to this shoot? He's like, Stuart's sick and so are you and he pulls out a machine gun. He's like, don't you

work for the post office? Not really. It would have been a good moment, but it was all a nightmare. It's just so many of these fucking fakeouts, though. It just gets so annoying. Yes. Well, because in the fake out, both him and Andy get shot and killed and go in the pool together. He uses her as a

human shield, which is very funny. I love that. I mean, like, but like, I mean, a story like this needs to be an hour and 50 minutes, so I get why they do this and add some time to let us really sink into the movie. This has happened after they made the deal, right? Is that what you're going to say? What deal?

He makes the deal. her like, hey, you got to help me tomorrow morning, we're going to leave, we're going to drive to San Diego, I'm going to get all this money out of my Kamen's account, you're going to help me disappear, then he has the 500,000 tax-free. Yes, come on, kid, 500,000. We're going to stop really very quickly at San Diego

Comic-Con so I can get this special predator figure I've had my eye on for many years now. It's only there. It's the only place you can buy it. I refuse to leave these. United States without that predator figurine. Do you know what the shipping from Thailand is? But he follows her somewhere, right?

Or something? He wakes up in the middle of the night with the nightmare and he sees that she is in his office trying to do his dead man. She's watching the tapes and everything. So he follows her to like her killer apartment. Like the killer apartment. Like David pictures the

killer. Yes. This is where you start realizing like she's not on the up and up because he puts a tracker on the car there is a hilarious Patrick Stewart doing some dangerous driving where it's like there's a truck in front of him and she makes the light he doesn't he's like oh fuck this almost kills like six people trying to tail this woman and then yes we get to a house

he's driving this jaguar by the way and I wondered because Patrick Stewart talks about he's had some like prized jaguar that it was one of the first things he was ever able to afford my jag man yeah and he's like very proud of it and I was like I wonder if that's the jag I hope so well can my Okay, interesting.

On page 114, can my jag be in this movie? You have to pay my jag at scale. I call it Riker. Oh, yes. But yeah, so he follows her to this house. He's doing a terrible job following her, and she's doing a terrible job if she's a super spy. This guy is riding her ass.

Yes, you're getting like the distance from a little computer voice in his car. And it's like, Target is 20 meters in front of you. And I was like, back off. You are up his ass. Wait, isn't that the car from the driveway I just left following me? What's that 20-headed ball? Oh, hey.

Hi. You're out of the house. I'm going to the grocery store. Oh, what's that? The grocery. I thought, oh, I thought Mace was behind me. Turned out it was just some Orthodox Jewish guy. Few.

But yeah, so then she leaves and he sneaks into the house. And it is very much a Michael Fassbender, the killer house where it's like garbage. I love one of the first details is there's just garbage food everywhere. Like she, in actuality, eats like shit. I need a line for him to just be like, that fucking macrobiotic diet was for nothing. There's cheese doodles everywhere. He's just eating them. He's like, he's like teasing her when she goes back to her.

He's like, oh, I think I'm going to order some pizza hut. You wouldn't be interested in that, would you? A meat lover's pizza With extra bread sticks, possibly And those delicious Pizza Hut We're eggs Dude, dude, wing street I wish somebody flooded that town

Was Pizza Hut the You eat the backwards? Yeah, stuff crust baby Yeah, hell yeah I think it's back in some capacity Our favorite president was on that commercial You gotta turn it around And take a bite out of it

But now I think about they probably shouldn't gone with Pizza Hut you should eat it from the back Probably not the best idea Maybe not Pizza Hut get munching Also terrible

You gotta munch the rear end Of the pizza You could do analingus On the pizza We call it pizza lingus Pizza Hut The crust goes right to the rim And so on

Yes Tung it He else Pizza Hut Tung it I think that's a little bit much Josh We're doing it That's what Patrick's dude's

Dude to that fucking Twinkie earlier The Twinkie tongue it He's sucking it right out So we're at the big reveal Yeah so basically he sees all the stuff He finds like a satellite phone or something Yes And then basically she

The next thing you know he's back at home And he's just reading the newspaper Very casually Oh what is in the newspaper today Oh you know me in my coupon clipping She's like I'm just gonna take a shower and I'll make a nice lunch. She gives them a big kiss on the cheeks.

I mean, like, the question is, like, if they're going away together, they're going to get fucking, right? I mean, that's just the... There's been a discussion, at least. She is preparing to kill this man. Well, that's true. You know, there is that. A discussion if they're going to fuck.

I think that it's probably, if you're going on a vacation together, you have to have the discussion. It's tax-free, but there's some... Show is my case. Oh, Andy, I was just booking a suite for San Diego Comic-Con Should there be one bedroom or two? Oh, they only have queen beds.

Oh, isn't that so sad? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to book one of those rooms. That's the same room, but there's two queen beds in case, but hey, it could go anyway. Or you find a guy. I find a gal. We use those two queen beds for Fargo sex.

And then we become vicious swingers. And, you know, I do have this. you know, we're going to send you a slave layer outfit, if you're interested, you don't have to be. I'm going to go as that dashing rogue Captain Bikard. Oh, no, the handcuffs are for spy stuff. It's the spy stuff I need for. Yeah, it's spying. That's for spying.

Yes, and in case I find a bad guy. So he's like, oh, she's going to take a shower. Now here's my move. I'm going to go under the sink where I knew there was like one gun left or whatever, and it's not there. you just hear looking for this and this woman who knows her score the entire time she knows the twist

of this movie. Yeah. She is ready to kill this guy. She has for some reason actually taken a shower. Yeah. She is with wet hair. She's got a fucking towel on in this machine gun and I was like you should not have taken this shower. But what if you had tried to walk in,

Andrew, then she would have really been that shit's great. You have to at least run the shower. Well, yeah, turn the water on her, but she has literally taking a shower. He's like, so who are you working for? And she's like, oh, I'm, I never went for the God country and blah, blah, blah. It's all about the money.

Yeah. Freelance. Yeah, I never went in for any political ideology or whatever. And I got to say, you are some piece of work. Right. That's a good one. This woman seems totally fine. Nice lady.

Those Father of the Bride movies are fun. Fine. Her trying to do this mustache twirling, now I'm the villain. I feel like she must have gotten a script to rewrite and she was like, wait, this is on me now? I didn't sign on for this. The whole thing about her and Father Bright is like she's the most innocent, like nice looking person

in the world. She's sweet and cute and then this movie she's sweet and cute for a very long time until she has to be like, and now I've got a gun. And I deal with her. And you know, in this one I really broke out. You know, I handled a gun.

I tried to be mean. She goes like the code now. And it's completely unconvincing. and he responds, fuck you, I'm not giving you shit. Awesome line. That was kind of a funny one.

And he really gets an emphasis on that fuck. It's a really good fuck. Meanwhile, while this is all happening, here comes Stewart from around. You watch him like pull up to the house. He gets his pool stuff out. He gives a fun,

flirty wave. And because it's funny, right? He just sees, oh, there she is, has a machine gun on him. Oh. Just doing John Garfield impressions to himself. before he gets there.

And so he like puts all his little skimmer wand down his chlorine tablet bucket down and opens that door and just because he's the funniest man in the world. Here we go with a Don Knott's impression.

Now Andy I thought we agreed. No more drills. This isn't a drill. Your last moment on this mortal coil. Yeah. is doing a Donnott's impression. Explain that to say, Peter.

It sounds like the death of a podcast. You know? Yeah, but I'll be at the... Mine would be like, I'm at fucking the Chattanooga Improv being like, oh, I got a big cum god or... Yeah, it's worse. It's somehow worse. Andrew's last words at the Tempe Chuckle Hut was...

Well, I don't remember. remember what he said, but it was in a really bad Jim Belushi impression. That's unfortunate. I mean, it's just this moment I feel fellas is what sold us on this movie back in like 2005. It's hilarious. I love every minute of it.

It's so good. And then we get like a little he, Patrick Stewart does find another gun and it's like we're going to shoot each other at the same time. He nails this lady right through the heart. Just one shot. That's all I did. And she just kind of gets him in the shoulder a little bit. But like this has

done it. This has broken the wiring in his brain. He's like slowly becoming almost like catatonic as he tries to call 911. He lets the Michael Moore shit happen though. He does get that off. He remembers the password. He launches that. All the newspapers are getting these transmissions. And then

he calls 911 and like there's a dead lady in my pool. And it's like the LAPD's 911 operator. He's like yeah, it's Los Angeles on a Thursday. Great. And he's like and they're like, what are, okay, all right sir, we'll send a you. And what's your name. I don't know.

How many hours, so you're up in the hills, how many hours would you like for us before we get there so you can cover it up? Exactly how much time are you going to need? We'll be there in four hours. Four hours good enough? Our evidence planting team is on the way. I just love him repeating, there's a dead woman in

my kitchen. Yeah. There's a dead woman in my kitchen. There's a dead imprecis in my poo. It's not a problem. We had the same thing happened at Robert Mitchum's house. week. Oh, my God. Call an ambulance, John Knott's been shot in my pool.

Someone murdered John Nott's in my pool. America's favorite comedian. The star of my favorite film, hot, lead, and cold feet is dead in my pool. Yeah, this guy, Stuart, should be churning around in the pool like T-1000, doing all the different

impressions before he dies. Oh, Margaret. You're talking to me? You know, the whole thing. All of it. I think that's what would happen if you shot Frank Caliando. What was that? The only way to find out, man. Oh, no.

Legally, we're not encouraging. No, of course not. Parody. If you dropped Frank Caliando and a thing of lava, yeah, you'd see him off by John Madden. Go ahead and try that. That's too hard to pull off.

I didn't appreciate the Awakening's impression, so I thought that was pretty. Now, here's a guy who's got one chip left. Oh, man, I hate it. Yeah, so it says, fucking hysterical copter shot looking down at this dead impressionist

in the pool and he's just on the phone like I don't know my name it's a good shot and we get a very specific news report it's like oh today President Michael Moore will not be president after all they'll they'll I love the idea that like

everybody is like well now there's they're going to press charges against this guy it's more explosive than Watergate, Iran-Contra. The FBI has linked Michael Moore to the deaths of senators, blah, blah. Well, it turns out Jerry Brown will be president now. And also...

Well, no, actually, we're going to let the voters decide. We're not actually going to arrest this gentleman. No, no, it's in the middle of an election. How could you arrest someone for murder and crimes? I know we're sitting here. We're supposed to proceed over laws, but maybe it should be up to the voters. Yeah. What is enforced? Existence.

It is... It is indeed futile, as Locutus once told me. Oddly ending with a Kissinger quote there at the back end of the... It's an odd look for... I forgot about that. What was the quote again? It's something... It's like even a paranoid can have enemies. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the whole... Even a paranoid can have enemies.

Yeah, we know. Couldn't you believe it? I'll still be around for another 25 years after this movie uses my quote. I was actually quoting Nirvana with that quote. They didn't say it, but that was, I was listening to Nevermind.

Yes, yes. Rape me, rape me, my dear. It's a Nirvana song. I know it's heresy, but I actually do believe in utero is better than never mind.

You'll find us. Do you want to hear my Donnuts impression? Jack Tripper, are you a homosexual or no? You're living down here with these two beautiful girls. Are you actually homosexual? sure or no.

I guess I'll have to sing all apologies the Nirvana soon. Have you ever heard my Jack Nicholson? Hold the chicken between your knees. Oh, wait, let me do it again. I have to hold my hair back. Hold the chicken between your knees.

Yeah, it is. No, which is funny. What a talent and what a lady killer. Worked on it for years. Well, rotten piss, right? Rotten piss, right? Yes, thank God. And rotten piss. This is the end of the movie. We'll go around the horn here. thoughts, Christopher Cabin?

Blech. It's, I mean, if you really love Patrick Stewart, of course, you're going to enjoy this. I mean, yeah. Do you not? I mean, I like him, but I'm not going to assume everybody loves him. Chris, I need you to rubber stamp this morning. I'm never going to rubber stamp it.

It's, again, if you're a huge Patrick Stewart guy, person, you know, go ahead. This is a field day. Do not pay attention to it for the love of God. No, no, no. But, you know, have it on the background. You'll have a fine time, but not very good. No. Counterpoint Eric Siska.

See, the thing is, I think on Letterbox, I said that I would have given this four stars if it was like 30 minutes shorter. It's just too long. It's just too overwrought. But the moments that it has moments are so good. It's worth seeing in my opinion. There you go. Steve saying that. Yeah, huge seeing is believing energy here.

I would request that you don't watch this on freebie because that took me about four to half hours with those commercials. Really? FreeVee really loads them on. Too B is not as... 2B is where I was a fool. I cheated on Tooby with FreeVee and I'll never do it again. Don't you dare. The people's streamer, Tooby.

That's right. Hey, I will say, I watch this on Tooby one commercial. Oh, really? At like 75 minutes, one commercial Pop-Dy. Not bad. I only had two or three, I think. Yeah, it was a really... It was like a quick Taco Bell thing or something and I was right back to the movie. I couldn't believe it. But yeah, it's a blast if you're a Stuart

Stuart Head, it's seeing as believing. I actually I hadn't seen this movie in about 20 years or not 20 years. I didn't seem to be about 15 years since we last watched it and I was surprised how much I was laughing. Yeah. It's a seeing as believing thing. No, it's not a good movie. Yes, it is

about 25 to, you could even argue maybe 35 minutes too long. But yeah, for the Stewartheads out there, absolutely. You'll be shocked, guys, to find out that this movie does not come up in his memoir. I could not believe it. Oh, come on. I know. Does Dad Savage show up or no?

No, Dad Savage, no. Conspiracy theory, no. Wow. This movie, no. See, you had to, this is where you would have to trust the God, the king, James Lipton to ask him about Safehouse and in the actor studio. If you had gotten him in that chair. Well, he can now ask that to Kissinger, right? Well, heaven or hell. Linton might be in either. He's in hell, dude. Sorry, you're taking it to you. Sorry, Jimmy Lipton. but yeah no it's it's a it's a seeing as believing type recommend but that is going to do it for this episode on safe house as always if you want more we hate movies check out the patreon patreon patreon.com slash we hate movies this month we have a we love movies all about the kickass 1984 david lynch dune which Patrick Stewart is in playing gurney hallick which is why we are doing this movie of course oh yeah animation damnation get your fucking stomach girded for that as we talk about Kathy's valentine oh that was the nade deal of life watching that one. And then on the Gleap Gloucary, we're talking about Kabe and Muftak, a gruesome-to-sum from the Mosaisley

Cantina. The best appetizers at my local Japanese restaurant. Yes, yes. And then if you guys are renegade fans, you're going to want to check out her once-on-a-lifetime. Granscombe Richmond's Hour to Shine, which is a hider in the house job. That's a very fun movie to watch as well. The walls are watching. Walls are watching. A.K.A. Foreclosure? I believe so. Yeah. And also, come see us on the road. We're going to be in Atlanta, Georgia, April 25th at the city winery, talking about gamer.

May 14th, we'll be in Houston, Texas at the Houston Improv talking about what movie, folks? Robocop 2. And then the next day, May 15th, Austin, Texas, Cap City Comedy Club, talking about from dusk till dawn, WLM, if there ever was one. Hell yeah. Those are going to be a lot of fun. Do WHM Podcast.com for those tour date. tickets and all the info is right there on our website. Now, next

Tuesday, you could get the next We Hate Movies episode ad free on our Patreon at the $8 level and up or you can get on the free feed with commercials. But either way, Steve, next Tuesday, We Hate Movies rolls on with what conversation? The luck of the Irish will be

very present because we are bringing our good friends from dead meat, James A. Janice and Chelsea Rebecca to talk about Leprecon 3. Oh, yeah. This one I believe is where he goes to Vegas. There's a lot of Vegas related. Oh, nice. We're not in space yet. Yeah, not quite there.

There's a lot of shenanigans. Andrew and I heard of our last weekend and some guy just started being like, man, that third leprechaun is really good. Out of nowhere. It was really weird. That's ominous. That's an omen right there. I know. It's like we're barking up the right tree next week where we welcome James and Chelsea from dead meat back to talk about Leprecon 3, Lepercon in Vegas,

which is just a fake subtitle that I'm making up. Sure. It sounds pretty hip. But until next week, when we're talking LEP 3 with our dead meat buds, I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.