We Hate Movies - S14 Ep739: House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

“I’ll say it: Chris Kattan? Best part of this movie!” - Steve On this week’s episode, we’re finally chatting about the “bad-ass” horror remake, House on Haunted Hill! Did any of those numerous deleted scenes maybe have more character details by any chance? Why couldn’t Jeffrey Combs have played a larger role in this movie? How does Geoffrey Rush look so much like Vincent Price in this and they refused to come out and say it— the guy’s named Price to boot, so c’mon! And did anybody else have the Mandela Effect bad memory that Kattan’s character got it in the first fifteen minutes? PLUS: Haunted houses need companionship too!  House on Haunted Hill stars Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Peter Gallagher, Chris Kattan, Ali Larter, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Max Perlich, Lisa Loeb, James Marsters, Peter Graves, and Jeffrey Combs as Dr. Vannacutt; directed by William Malone. This episode is brought to you in part by Storyblocks! For a limited time, get 3 additional months free if you sign up with an annual individual license plan. Go to storyblocks.com/WHM to take advantage of this exclusive offer only available until the end of May 2024. The offer won't appear at checkout, but rest assured, it will be automatically added to your account shortly after you sign up. And also by Rocket Money! Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. Catch us LIVE tonight (5/14/24) in Houston and tomorrow (5/15/24) in Austin as we dance the WHM Texas Two-Step! We’re talking Robocop 2 in Houston and From Dusk Till Dawn in Austin! Click through here for all ticketing information! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs! Including new SHEENPRIL, Night Vision & Too Old For This Shit designs! 

This week on the program, we're talking about a real fucking stinker. It's the House on Haunted Hill remake. I'm Andrew Juppin. You better start believing in haunted asylums or whatever. Because you're in one. Eric on Haunted Cisca. Chris Catan. Oh, yes.

And we hate movies. Ah! Hello, everyone, we hate movies, thank you for you for tuning in. As always, that's right. Holy shit. We're talking about the house on haunted Hill. remake from 1999, directed by William Malone. You may know him better as the director also a few years from this of Fear.com. Yes, you might know him nowadays

as begging for bus chains. Somewhere, somewhere. I mean, and give him, if you see him, do give him some money. I mean, he does clear anything. I was shocked. I was telling you, Andrew, before, that this, because this is the one of two William Castle remakes around the same time, I was shocked that he didn't

also do 13 ghosts. Yeah. They look the same, too. He might have been busy doing fear.com. I honestly feel like 13 ghosts is the superior picture. It is. It has the better deaths. This one has like the shittiest deaths imaginable. There's no debts at all.

We just wander around like we set up a lot of cool stuff. Like there's like a cennabyte hospital we kind of set up. It never pays off. Wait. Centabyte hospital. It sounds like you are totally erasing ghost blob. Yeah. Ghost blob is awfully important.

Ghost blob can get it. My God. Do you know the thing with What's funny about Ghostbob, though, the same year that this movie came out, the remake of The Haunting came out, which is also kind of, it just culminates in a ghost blob.

Previous episode, by that. I think I was talking about, I was saying with Chelsea, it's like episode 20 or something like that. Fucking crazy. When we were young boys. Jan de Vance. Setabite hospital, well, we're sorry,

Butterball, but the cancer treatments just aren't working. We're going to have to increase the chemo. Now I want to go to Jean-Dard route and kill myself in a pod in Switzerland. Look, I don't know what to tell you, lady. You've got to get rid of the cigarettes. If you want to get out of the hospital, you got to get rid of the cigarette.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Look, see, there's just a bunch of compact discs all over your body, and I really don't know how to get them all out without killing you. Okay, here's ready to die. That's a good one. Okay, rid of me, okay. That's Steve Albania. RIP, there we go.

And what's this one up here? Duky. Oh, that's a Duky up there. Okay. Duky's usually in the behind. Yeah, usually. But, I mean, the Green Day's Duky. I mean, right at the front, right at the top of the charts.

Hell yeah. Classic. I know. I think that was the first album I ever bought when I was a young boy. Oh, dude. On CD, me too. Yeah, me too. It took the world by fire.

That was the first one I purchased, too. Are you kidding? Sick, weird. I had inherited a bunch of CDs, you know what I mean? So I'd had some things. Yes. But that was the first one, I was like, I'm plunking down money. Yes, yes.

Confirmation money that I was like, this is money that I actually have. Confirmation money. When did you get confirmed? Sinful. In the seventh grade. See, that's... Well, first of all, Dukey was like 1994.

Yeah, so I was late to it. But here's the thing, though. I thought you skipped a few grades in the clergy there. Dude, speaking of skipping grades, I was not confirmed until the 11th grade. I was a junior in high school. They did my conference. They were still worried about the demon.

Yeah, exactly. Like, this is a... Oh, my God. I couldn't go through with the rest of the class. So what is the... I've never seen the original. Was the original something? It's fun as fucked in.

Did I rewatch a little bit of it last night? Is it just like, at a Haunted House. If you, yes, William Castle, if anybody knows the great, great movie Matinee with John Goodman. He is playing William Castle. Joe Dante's Magnetka's magnificent matinee, unbelievable movie. He was a guy that, like, his movies were like spectacles and he wanted to be funny enough considering Jeffrey Rush's job in this movie. He wanted to be like amusement park rides. Yeah. He did, like, gimmick shit in the theaters. Did he do the tingler? Did he do the tingler, Mr. Ardenicus? And the tingler was where they set up the seats to

like vibrate or like shock you. They'd buzz and they'd have like ghosts on strings like go down the theater. Film form did it recently. He was like the 1950s like James Cameron. Like he's doing all the weird gimmicks. And he would also do like he would do the introductions

in the movie. It would be him coming. Hello. I am William Castle. Never before have you been tingled on the butt the way you are about to be tingled on the butt. Someone's like, yeah, try it asshole. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's doing it. Yeah, no, that movie, it's totally watchable.

It's Vincent Price. It's kind of pretty much this story, but this movie confirms that there's ghosts where that movie does not. Interesting. It's more just like this, that movie's about a love triangle between Vincent Price, the wife that he hates

and she hates him, just like in this movie. And then there's a third guy, kind of like, in this with Peter Gallagher, but that's like... That's marriage. Peter Gallagher's always trying to get, to destroy your marriage, it's true. Sex eyes and videotape, haunts, it happens. Those eyebrows are coming

for your girl, dude. And they're going to fucking get her. They are, the Wiggler. The Wiggler, they called him the Wiggler. Oh, no, the Wiggler struck again. Those Caterpillar eyebrows, dude, they are sexy. They are sick. Mr. Castle, this thing you want for the Wigler, we're going to jail.

We can't be doing this to people's genitals. This is not possible. Oh, ew. Show just a name. You go in there and a young lady, oh, bro, give you a bro job during the movie. Oh, my God. Yeah, one, please. That's when William Castle, like, fell down into making pornographic music.

All right, how about this one? We're playing the porno movie, and someone's actually sucking you off. Okay, so you got to show me where your best sex workers are and where your cheapest sex workers are. We want to get a mix there, a pulperi. This sounds like great synergy for 42nd Street back in the 70s. Hell yeah, dude. Great theaters there. back then, by the way. I missed them. I missed so many of them. Me too. Did anybody

see this in theaters? This was a rental for me. This was my first time. Oh, okay. This morning, the first time I ever saw this movie, for some reason, it passed me by. I saw this on cable, and the only thing I remember about it is the ending of Allie Larder, Spoiler Alert, and Taye Diggs. Like, how do we get down from here? Yeah. I do remember as that is the main. And I didn't understand what it was why would you you i saw the the ghost blob but of course i was like well what the fuck is that like well i don't even is this an explosion about to happen i don't know but uh i don't think i saw it in full until um i used to work i used to do like uh quality assurance for um something similar like a cinemax or um you forgot which television network it was at the time warner it was at the time

Warner building. Oh, when you did Nielsen stuff? This is before Nielsen. They're at the time where you have to go and check through the movie and make sure nothing was wrong with the movie before they put it to whatever channel they were going to put it to. Sometimes TV networks would license this job out to smaller outfits

would probably you guys did terrible terrible jobs. I remember when I was at Showtime, I was getting ready, Judge Dred, funny enough, previous episode in 1995, to air on Showtime and we licensed it out to be QC'd by Broadway video down the street. And

they had to, they had to prod me awake at my desk because the movie was half static and it was airing on fucking TV. Because he's fucking assholes, just pass anything. Oh, thanks a lot, Lorne. I was not at Broadway video. I was downtown. I forget the name of the outfit, but it was inside a Time Warner

office. Oh, okay. Oh, that's interesting. And that I watched this movie in full on there. Yeah, I have not seen it since I didn't own it on DVD. It was a rental for sure. And I had this weird false memory and boy was I disappointed that Chris Katan's character died like within the first few minutes

of the movie and the fact that he lasts like all the way to the end that must be in some other I had the same false memory too like something about his head getting turned around or something like that his head gets turned around monkey bone I think that's like a walk and talking corpse or whatever that's what I was but actually I'll say it

Chris Katan best part of this movie he kind of is I mean like Welcome edition here because there's nothing else going by the way and I know the ladies in this movie very attractive, but two sharp of features. You can't have everyone have a sharp feature. You can't have Brigitte Sampras

and fucking Ali Larner at the same movie. That's not... That was tough. I mean, it's like, wait, who's which, why? Find me a redhead. Heaven forbid, maybe a black woman's in the movie. That'd be something. No. That's not happening. No qualms fabric chances. This is the 1999. The

hurricane run. Oh, yeah. No, it's sharp stuff. I mean, Ali Larder, a pre-Final destination Allie Larder sign me the fuck up they're all great the problem is they're they're all they're all I mean they're all great and they're all they got all these sharp features and I'm like wait which is what are they supposed to be sisters with these noses that are could pierce through times I will say I definitely saw the trailer for this a bunch of times and like I remember being like oh Allie Larder I remember her from is it final destination

okay I guess so yeah yeah she's attracted maybe I'll see the movie in this it went right through yeah because this this was like it came out on DVD like hardcore into like every i mean it had been the case for years every fucking friday we were at the video store renting a bunch of stuff and i was like oh a horror movie excellent and watched this and yeah looking back on it now not great not great because it was a weird thing right where it was like okay so scream brought back uh the slasher in 96 so that was like a rejuvenation of that and then this and the haunting it's like let's bring back those like 1950s spook house movies? Yeah.

What a weird trend? What could have possibly like promoted? Like what was the movie that did well that was a remake of an old one that had just like I can't remember. I bet it's something to do with like the rights being really cheap for those movies at this point because I think like some of them I think even had gone into public domain. At least some Vincent Price have. I don't know about those specifically. But what was that? The I am legend movie I think is public domain by this Omega Man. Last Man on Earth.

Omega Man is Heston. Heston's remake of it. Which is also the same source material. Right. Which is the best of the three. It's great. You're killing all these zombies. It's fucking awesome. I do like, so we start in a tool video, a nice little tool video aesthetic. There are tool videos.

There are Apex Tweets. All sorts of videos. My notes are riddled with and then he gets sucked into the music video world. And it's just, you know, it's crazy hospital. You know what I mean? We're not, we're not doing much. We got some Jeffrey Combs here. I prefer crazy taxi personally.

Oh, of course. Well, that's the other thing, too, is like, we need backstories with all this stuff. Any of it. The first, the original movie, it just starts with the party, and it's Vincent Price is doing some introduction stuff here, along with, oh, I can't think

of the guy's name, Elijah something, who plays the, like, Meek. He's the Chris Catan character in the original. The two of them kind of introduced the movie, and he's, like, Vincent Price is like, oh, how about this? My stupid, bitch wife wants to have a birthday party. Oh, she's going to have a party.

All right. Yeah, because Elijah guy is a spoiler because his brother had died at the house at some point. The hospital thing does not. There's no mental hospital. This sounds like a better setup to begin with. I mean, we've got to talk about the opening credits really briefly. We got x-rays in there. A haunted doll for a second?

The board game operation, I think, makes an appearance. There's a fat guy shaking his head really quickly. Dude, who is this fat guy? That's scary. He looks like Vincent DiNafrio in this. sell. Yes, he does. Is he the director, maybe?

I don't know. It's just a big, he looks like fucking black Francis a little bit too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, is that Trouet, Taylor Vince? Oh, he does look like

Trude Taylor Vince also. But then there's a spider and it's all scary. But you know, any spook-house aesthetic you want to put in these credits, go right ahead. It is an opening credit sequence, gentlemen, I am not going to fight it.

That's fair. I am not going to fucking fight it. You got time to get your popcorn, get your buns into the seat, settling. I mean, watching a movie. I like settling in. Yeah.

It's a very, I also got heavy notes of seven, like, oh, yes. Like, wanting to do that kind of like, sure. Janky moving around. Is there a song to it or is it just a score? It's just the score. Yeah.

But don't worry, soon enough, you'll hear Marilyn Manson's cover of Deuce. Multiple times. Yep. Uh, at least. I, I just got, I was, nothing in this movie is as scary as seeing Zemechus's name. Come up in the, in the, in the, credits you're just like what he was starting to fuck around with horror at this point right because

soon after i guess a few years after he would do what lies beneath the very next year was the next year i think so yeah 2000 i thought it was a little later that's a state too is a tell her about us who your wife yep that is a stay tuned we're gonna do that soon i got a great whenever we do that episode i got a great story about being chewed out on like my first day of work at the multiplex by the manager because i made an off color remark about that movie Oh, no, fucking great. Oh, that movie, Maybe Ghost. Yeah, it's a fucking Maybe Ghost.

Don't you worry about it. Welcome to Maybe Ghosts. But Maybe Ghost was all the rage, right? All these movies were coming out. It doesn't make any, like, honestly, if he had done something, if Zemeckis had done something like this, it makes so much more sense than what lies beneath. Sure. It is more in his wheelhouse, playful, big, bold, special effects.

Hollywood playing with those. Updating things. You can play with crassness a little bit more. It would be better than some fucking guy in the witness protection program, William Malone or whatever the fuck. I was like, is this guy a real person? William Home Alone, dude. Yeah, that dude doesn't exist.

He existed to make this in Fear.com and then fucked off. We're actually getting ahead of ourselves because I would like to hit play really quickly. Coming soon. It's a VHS trailer game, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no, maybe VHS trailer game. I don't know if this is real yet. This might be one of these specters. Oh, my bitch.

wife, I'm going to make it play the VHS trailer game. She hates trivia. This should be interesting. My stupid wife is always laid to the movies. Now this will show her. She doesn't know any trailer. Maybe she's slipping fall on a question. It is America's America's favorite game about

absolute materials. Ladies and gentlemen, just a little side note, I was in Los Angeles last week. Oh, no. Name-dropping cities, are we? I went to a... The house on the haunted hill and you were trapped in there. A VHS store. in Silver Lake.

A VHS store. Yes. It's called WAMI. It's really cool. It's just sells VHS. Just sells VHS. Holy shit. End to end.

Fucking amazing. I buy like probably about $100 worth of stuff. And I got the tote bag. We go to a Thai restaurant. I fucking forget it. What? First of all, wait a second. Wait a second.

A hundred dollars worth of VHS tapes. What are we talking? 30 tapes? No, like seven tapes plus a t-shirt, plus the bag itself. You know what I mean? Silver Lake Los Angeles, very rich. What is Whammy's fucking selling these tapes for? Anywhere between like three, four bucks, but then you can get like $10 or $20.

Dude, they saw you come and slapping $20 bills on everything. But so hilariously, I call my brother and I'm like, hey man, I need you to go to this Thai restaurant. He's like, why? I was like, I left a bunch of VHS tapes there. And he's like, yeah, of course you did. Of course you did. But so why couldn't you go back to the restaurant? It was the last day we were there.

I wake up the next morning like shit we left it there dude you had a fucking you had a Catherine O'Hara on the plane you did it tapes so it is the VHS trailer game as we know

this is a season long event so is it called from one of these tapes it is not so that was just an aside there's a little side no that's fine dude Eric by the way you got to get the booker on the phone we need to play Los Angeles because I got to go to what was it called Poopies Whammy used to go to Poopies up on

Strip on the strip. That's right. Yeah, they had a great great turkey club. You want to go to Chicago, Joe Swamberg apparently has a roaming VHS uh, uh, like tape selling outfit. He like, he's just like randomly doing it. Yes. Like he keeps on getting shut down.

Oh really? But then this is, but to do that with then I maybe have to interact with Joe Swanberg. I don't know. He might have a cashew. I'd rather go to munchies. We're going to whammy's. The VHS trailer game now sponsored by, Whammy's. No, boy.

Put your code on. We're going to whammies. Whammies, you owe us free stuff. It is. I would love a little bit of that money back. A little free. I want a little bit of that money too. You know, I got a piece of this actually. So it is a season-long event. We will be ending it in August. Right now, the score is as they stand. Eric has 22 large, respectful points. Very big, strong points.

Andrew coming in at 55 points. Yeah, but mine are a little stronger. Yes. And then the Jeffrey Rush of the game. game itself. The 68 points from Chris Cabin. But we can't, congratulations to everyone who has a lot of points, but we can't overstayed enough.

Returning champion right here. That's true. I won once. It's true. That's fine by me. I'm done. There were just no champions before that, too. It's what's interesting about that. If you went back and listened years before that, you would be like, oh, there is a whole game going on, but nobody won. It's like the Pete Rose thing. They can't go to the

Hall of Fame. I think that's what happens. Didn't that get lifted, though? Oh, no, I'm thinking of Reggie Bush and the Heisman situation. Oh, yeah, Jay. But juicing's going to be legal any day now. It is.

Betting and juicing and everything. Dude, if you want a juice for this game, you can. I'll let you know. We inject VHS tapes or something. I got to go to whamies to get my kids. He's injecting Leonard Moulton movie guys into his veins. Oh, God.

I mean, that's part of my problem is I never read that bore. All right, here it is. All right, here we go. So, yeah, blah, blah. If you buzz in once, you know, everybody's... Sure. If you die in the game, you die for real.

Exactly. Three rounds. All these movies, sometimes I go on UK, whatever. It's the American VHS tape, 1999. All them came out in 1999. You introduced this as America's favorite game, and then you're constantly using foreign tapes. Well, I want the UK to fly us out there, you know?

Oh, yes. We've been dying to play the UK, but I think we're barred. Oh, yeah, because of the doorknob conversation. Write your letters to the queen. Or king? It's king, you've got a king now. I can't keep track, and that guy's about to die, too. Write your letters to the queen, car of house on haunted hill.

All right, here it goes. Round one. Game Master's Clue. This erotic nightmare was a master director's final film Chris Gavin. Wow. Eyes wide shut. It's eyes wide shot. Wow.

Uh-huh. You've heard the master. an erotic nightmare and I'm like oh 99 sure that's it that's that's that's that's that's it man appeared in the Guinness Book of World Records by the way for the longest constant movie shit at at 400 days wow that's insane 400 days you know what king he didn't let him do it well part of the kubrick's thing right he did so many takes of every single thing yeah yeah like Chris Eastwood's opposite who he's just like okay yeah no I don't care that the donkey was in it dude no it's good I love Clint Clint Eastwood and

Ed would have so much in common. I love it. Yeah, I also read that Vincent DiCaprio when he's talking to Tom Cruise, he's like, yeah, Tom's like, I'm doing this movie, Stanley Kubrick in England. He's like, rent a house, you're going to be in England for a long time. Oh, wow. Yeah, DeNaprio knew what was up to. Kitell, remember Kytel was in that movie and, like, Stanley Kubrick was like,

why don't you try that again? He's like, why? And like, he's like, just try it again. He's like, fuck you. And he leaves. And that was, what's his name is wrong? A Pollock's roll. Oh, wow.

Harkin-Kitell was supposed to be since Pollock? It was there for a day. It was like, I'm fucking tired of this. Dude, these fucking Bronx boys, man, they're not going to, they're not going to sanction. Kubrick's also a Bronx. Exactly. They will fight.

That might be a December WLM because that's a Christmas. It is a Christmas. It is. That pod is making you aggressive. Round two. This breakthrough hit for a prosicity author director centers on the last days of Iraq

and co-stars of W.H.M. favorite. Three Kings. It's three kings. Wow. I was being hung up on what was that adjective you used? Persnickety. I got hung up on Iraq. I meant to say Iraq war. It's a Gulf War. It's the first one. It's less confusing.

Yeah. The war wasn't even happening yet when this movie came out. Yeah, that's, I mean, honestly, that's the nicest way you could introduce David O. Russell. By the way, I think so. Honestly, Chris, just say the next answer. Go ahead. He's got it.

He's got it. It would be so funny. I guarantee he has it. Sergeant Bilko. The Green Mile. No, it is not different. All right. All right.

All right. That would have been good about it. All right. We took a dive right there, folks. Damn it. This gay panic rom-com paired Eric Siska. Yeah, not Chris.

In and out. It is not in and out. Andrew, but did you just forget my name? Steve looked right at me and it was like a deer was about to be struck by a draw. Oh, fuck. Craig? Craig would like to guess my best friend's wedding.

It is not my best. You gotta let me... Oh, man. This gay paddock rom-com was paired a screen queen with a beloved sitcom actor who recently passed away. Just dead air. I love that. Yeah. See, the thing is, we had to jump fast because this guy was ringing in.

you said one word and he was ringing in totally it's just the first one he rang in on presnicketing all right we're gonna go on to now I know the couple but I didn't know they did a movie together I thought it was just a television show if I'm thinking of the right piece

in his sitcom this actor's character was frequently judged as gay rather than not being one why does that not make any sense because that's exactly how it's written on the IMDB trivia what this character actor's character who pre this actor

just just passed away on the show that he was on a lot of gay panic jokes They're like, is this guy gay and he's not gay and blah, blah, blah. That's kind of like they made a whole movie about it, apparently. Wow. In 1999. Scream Queen, by the way.

All right. Here we go. All's fair. A tagline. All's fair in the War of Love. What? Terrible tag. Terrible love.

This is not a movie. This is something they sold you. A bill of goods down at it wins. Here it is. Number two. Star number two. Okay. Nev Campbell.

I was thinking of the wrong Scream Queen. Three to tango? Three to tango. Two, six points. There it is. Dylan McDermott? It is the third guy. It's Matthew Perry.

Matthew Perry. Oh, Matthew Perry is a comeback. That's the guy that just died. You were hinting at? Yeah, he died. You didn't just die. Here's the thing. With the combo of Scream Queen and a comedian that just died, I was like, when did

Jamie Lee Curtis and Richard Lewis do? a movie together because they had that sitcom. Blame it on the bellboy, I believe that was. Fuck. Wow, what a fucking bloodbath. There's a bloodbath. Yeah, of course. That's how it always is. Sucked.

Sucks. You know what was not a blood bath, really, though? Is the House on Horned Hill? Oh, my God. It is such a chicken shit. There is a brief bath in blood. Well, there is a literal blood bath, but the movie itself is not. The beginning is okay.

Because you've got, like, it's this old-timey insane asylum. They're doing a surgery on a guy who's awake and it's creepy. Jeffrey Combs, he's cutting somebody up. We love Jeffrey Combs, silent role here, unfortunately, but because honestly, I think reanimate is one of the best. It's fucking great to ever do. Bring him in

more in this movie. Yes. Make him the ghost. You know what I mean? Instead of a blob of shit, it's Jeffrey fucking Cole. How about this? He's the one that returned for the straight to video sequel in 2007, apparently. That's 2007, by

the way. Well, because this was around this would have been around the same time as the Frighteners, right? And that's what... It is, yeah, 99. And he gets that really plumb role right in the middle of that one. It was Frighteners, 97, something like that? That sounds right. Yeah, I'll double check.

I thought it was a little later, but you might be right. The movie kind of attempts to set that up and then, like, totally jettisons it, because there is that one point where, like, it's sort of intimated that Jeffrey Combs has killed the control room guy. Yes. And Jeffrey Rush is watching him on the monitor or whatever, and he's like, Who's this doctor? I've been chasing around the house, this whole movie.

and I was like, keep running with that, find that guy. He's right there. The Frighteners, 1996, so you have no excuse. He was a big part of that movie. Why is he not a bigger part of this movie? Because it kind of sounds like we had a bunch of stuff cut out of this movie. We had a bunch of fucking scripts going all over the place. This was, I did remember this from renting the DVD,

just like shockful of deleted scenes and fucking whatever, you know, like, there's like, half a movie that never made it. And thank God, because this is 93 minutes and it was more than enough. It's half a movie right now. You know what I mean? There's not actually like actually

any kind of consistent steam or... Half eaten. Somebody's gotten to this already. I don't... You've taken things that I would have liked to see and you've doubled up on things that like I don't... They tell you like, on the little card

when you get the introduction of each character, it's like Gallagher and then Tay Diggs and they're looking... At one point, just like explains like yes stay of the night million dollars and then the next scene most of it is explaining stay of the night you get a million dollars i'm like what the fuck they go over that constantly and they when they mention their names by the way these are the worst names in movie history Melissa Margaret marr Donald W. Blackbird MD Watson Pritchett I thought we were on the murder

for the orient express or something I thought i thought uh hercly little pro was going to come out with giant fucking mustache. Is Allie Larder like Judy Jensen or something like that? Her name is Jennifer Jensen, which is a fake, that's the executive that she's pretending. She takes the invitation from the executive cut scenes, by the way, of Debbie Mazar

playing this yelling. Speaking of Ed Wood. Yelling. Debbie Mazar and a movie story. Guy Ed Pepper. A little 1999, Debbie Mazer goes a long way. I would like that. But the funny thing is, on top of that,

that's the kind of shit that makes this version of this movie annoying and I'm kind of glad it's cut out because what I also dislike is at this start here where it's like Famkey Jansen seeing what is it she's watching like a T it's the Peter Graves Tonight on Exposition Terrify terrifying but true

hosted by Peter Graves Fake Unsolved Mysteries Tonight on Exposition Well who is the main character What are they going? Let's find out tonight Talk about the doctor that set up this whole hospital Is it the same, is it literally the same show as the one in Anne's Family Values?

Because he does the exact same role. Well, it's all joking on a biography which you do. But it's, it's, I'm almost positive. It's Peter Graves doing it in an family value. And he's like, the Black Widow Killer. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't remember. She's killed three men already.

Oh, that's weird. I'm almost certain it's him. It's that or so I married an Axeman. It's one of those. Oh, right. Today, out exposition. Did you notice this film takes place in a future timeline? Do you want to know what's different about it?

tune in tonight on exposition. Well, did you think that Lisa Loeb would show up? No, you don't. You wouldn't think that. Now, would you? Oh, she is sure here. But, like, the whole thing about, like, Famkees watching that on TV,

and then she's, like, say, what a great idea for a party. Like, all that shit, like, you don't see it in the original. It's just like, we're at the fucking house. Let's get this 75-minute movie on the road. You see this guy, he's a nerd. You see this lady, she's not a nerd. Yeah, it's like, nerd, whore, tough guy. You know what I mean?

It's done. Very quick. Give Chris Cabin another 10 points. He is in that movie. Adams Family Values as host of America's most disgusting unsolved crimes. Yeah. I think Peter Graves is like, that'll be here in your movie. That's so weird.

Good for him. He was always a welcome at, you know, Spice. Sure. Oh, absolutely. But yeah, just like her watching this and it's all this stuff about the insane asylum. And I'm like, boy, this is just going right down backstory Boulevard. Dude, I don't care for it. I do like the part in the opening when the guy gets all the pencils through the neck.

That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. But it was a weird, I was like, how long are these pencils? Yes. Because it's like in one side of this dude's neck and out the other. And on both sides, there's plenty of pencil left over. We have to make sure there's a rape scene in this movie real quick. We got, that was, I was like, because this whole sequence.

Yeah, do we need this? What she's watching here is this backstory where, yeah, we see the inmates taking over. We see, like, a dude, like a woman is filming the surgery that Steve makes. mention and then like the inmate takes the camera and now he's filming all the fucking crazy people stuff. It's a full on patient ride including obviously ripping open the chat, not the chess but ripping open the shirts of all the nurses

to see their boobers. That's just that was like a what not in this movie. No, it's just a little much. It's a real like Fabka said no. Well, what about these extras? Well, that's the thing. None of the actresses that have like speaking roles in this movie want to show tits.

So guess what? Yeah. Here's what you got. that. Yep. Office Depot. Yep. I need another order of four foot pencils. And then they're, oh! No! But it's this weird thing of like trying to set this up and it's like, yes, here's this framing device of this TV show, but then we cut to the actual footage footage, which looks grainier. So we can show the nudity because I wouldn't be on TV. So there's a lot of like hem and haunt of even doing your exposition. What the reality. Yeah. That's a good call. Yeah. I didn't even thought of that. But so she calls her husband, the great. I, I, I, I, Jeffrey. Rush is fantastic because he's on like six in this movie. He is so like and he's giving, which is interesting because he's giving it, but you know that there's so much more he could be doing, but he does not want to do. I was talking to. I was talking with Andrew about this.

They, so he wins for Shine in 96. And like, of course, the next year they put out all the small movies that he had made around that because like, maybe he'll make money. Maybe this make money. But after that, he goes on this run where he is just like dining out on that Oscar win. Dude, that's what happens, right? Like, Hallie Berry with a... Oh, yeah, Monster's Ball and all that garbage. History men he's in doing that. That's one of the...

Shakespeare and Love, Elizabeth. Like, he's... Quills, this is on the same, like, run. And, yeah, he just ate. He was doing very well. Pills is kind of a great... I remember liking Quills, so out there. Yeah.

He's like eating shit and showed his cock at that movie. I need my quills. I need my quills. He's writing his poetry or his prose or whatever. Erotic. Erotic story. That was that what it is, in feces on the wall. Yes, indeed.

I saw that movie once in theater, I think we saw it together, and it was just like, more than enough for me. I liked it. From the master Philip Kaufman, wild. You couldn't make it today because of all these woke children out there. They wouldn't, they would not accept the shit writing. They don't want the shit writing. They don't want Jeffrey Rush's weird cock.

Well, they might. Ever that Thai dinner, I could have wrote Bobby Dick. That's good, yeah. Call me is shit. All the long whale parts I could get to. That poor hotel cleaning stuff. And I like that because it's got dick in the title. Exactly.

Weird dick, shit. There you go. You're right it. But yes, he is Stephen Price amusement park magnate. Do you get it with the last name? Oh, Price and the mustache. Dude, did you see on the trivia, though, with this mustache? We can't do this mustache.

This is donkey shit, though. This whole thing, like, he's Price. is the character. Clearly being a direct reference to Vincent Price, right? Which is nice, it's fine. And that's fine. How about another?

Exactly. But then what was weird was they were like, oh, but his look is not referencing Vincent Price. What? Jeffrey Rush wanted to grow a John Waters mustache, and it's like, guess who else had a John Waters' mustache before John Waters had one? Oh, my God.

Calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're just wrong. Yeah, you're fine. It's so dumb. Just say you wanted him to look like Vincent Price because he kind of fucking does. anyway because like obviously Jeffrey rush was looking for something to do with this character literally anything like you know he's just I mean he's built I mean the what will be the most

expensive and most sued roller coaster I love this in American history I mean because not only does he have this elevator thing which is causing at least like three murders and like four heart attacks the first time it happened I thought that was going to be the roller coaster yeah they bring the reporter and the cameraman Lisa Lowe James Marsters, by the way. Incredible. God, boy. It is,

it's the 90s. I love the 90s. One of those weird reminders that James Marsters is not English like his character Spike, but indeed, just some surfer dude

from no cow because like, oh man, hey, what? Like his fucking real voice always throws me for a look. I think he's got like two lines in this movie,

one of which is whoa. Whoa, bro. This is great. Oh, man, I almost died. It is so, like, when you would hear him talk

on like Buffy's special features on the DVDs, you'd be like, ew. What the fuck are you doing? Shut up. But this whole roller coaster concept, it's like, yeah, the reason it works is because Jeffrey Rush is there in the roller, in the elevator with them saying, oh, that metal creaking noise, no, no, no, this is totally safe.

Reassuring them through the entire way that this is going to be safe. And then when it suddenly drops 20 stories and he's like, oh, the cable, it's not, like, and he's freaking out about, that's what sells it. Yeah, so what are you going to just put people up in this? Well, no, you have to have a guy. Yeah, you have to have someone there to man it. A cast member. A lot of these rides have workers that are pretending to be whatever.

But the thing that is really confusing for me is, like, you are filling these roller coaster cars with like 10 people or whatever. But this little phone booth size elevator, you can't be taking more than four people up at a time. What's interesting about it too is they go up, they come down, they exit, that's it. The elevator was to nowhere, right? They don't come down anywhere. That's all fake. That was all fake, and then they come out and they go to the the actual roller coaster. Because Jeffrey Rush's whole thing

is like... But he's on the... Isn't Jeffrey Rush outside on the ground at that? No, no. He's upstairs with them at the entrance of the roller coaster. And he says now it gets really scary and you see the roller coaster in the background. I thought I thought I saw grass on the floor. I am going to tell you so, because this makes, this is the one I was like, there's something's... Somebody really fucked up here. What they do is the roller coaster goes and it's

the whole group, it's only Lisa Loban and James Marster. and they go there's another car of I guess fake people now that one's ahead of them so they're going they're doing loops

and they're having a fucking blast all of a sudden we see a final destination about to happen so a thing lifts up the first cart go the track lifts up the track lifts up

the first cart goes launches off it yeah we don't see it crash yeah I don't know where it goes doesn't it is this happening because then the thing goes down and it's supposed to be part of the thrill. So are you factoring in killing a cart

of fucking every time someone rides this? It's landing on another track, right? Which is what's insane about this is how would this even work? How could you do it every day? This is like sub-action park actually. No, no, no. It's in the middle of the woods. It's not landing anyway. You need to show like a big, you know,

like lethal weapon one crash pad thing and the cart lands on it. Because you can't just be like blowing through cars. I was going to say what? How are you doing this? Even it's full of dummies, like, you know, like people that... Okay, so there's dummies in one cart that goes off and that crashes, and then there's jumps... There's no jump. I saw a jump in the movie. That's the first one.

Did you watch another movie? No, you didn't. That's the first one. It's the first cart. You see that it's like the track goes up and you as the audience member of the movie are supposed to think like, uh-oh, his ride is broken. Yes. The cart goes off it.

That's the cart full of dummies. Okay. Then there is clearly a shot of the track. going back down and fixing itself. Yes. And they ride off safely. So no real person goes flying. Did they not, Lisa Loeb and did they not jump and land on the track again?

I don't think we watched it. I watched this on Amazon. I think they rented it on Apple. But I don't remember a different cut. So what happens is one flies off and it just explodes or whatever. And this one, it goes back down. And they stay on the track fine. Their cart's fine.

And then it goes back, and this is, while this is happening, we are cutting to Jeffrey Rush being like, oh, a haunted, a haunted hillhouse, you say. Well, you know, that could be very interesting. And this is where we meet control room guy for the first time, because he comes up like, oh, we have a problem, and you're supposed to think it's a real problem with the thing. Yes. And when the track fixes itself, he's like, what's the problem? And the guy's like, oh, there's a smudge on what, like, it's a total not problem.

Why would you, like, why would you tell him if this is part of your ride? He's your guy. Every, every ride costs him like $200,000. Is that the idea? I don't know. Easily. I mean, I think there's a reason we never hear about this roller coaster ever again. Even if it worked perfectly, this dude, you're taking a bath, whatever park that this is at, you're getting fucking sued.

Oh, yeah. You know it's going to be bad news. It's just stupid. It is very stupid. Technical Advisor number two is also a Buffy guy who's on the episodes with Angel is becoming those. episode. People know what I'm talking about. The control room guy was on my name? He's the little little weasel guy. Also

the security guard guy from Gross Point Blank, their third buddy who is roaming around the house with the gun out. Max Prelich is this guy's name? For a second I thought it was the dweeb from those oceans movies. Oh no, no, no. That hacker guy or whatever, that little nerdy guy.

So then we cut to she's like, I'll email you the guest list. We cut to like fucking weeks later. It's like, well, yeah, and you got the They're allude of sweet dreams. Oh, that's right. Not having to deal with this song. So between Gamer and this movie,

I have never, I just was blasting the arithmetic's version like all day the other day. Just to wash it out. It's like, unclog your brain. So much better. She's like, oh, you think you have a guest list? I have a guest list.

And he writes a guest list on email. And then he leaves. And wouldn't you know it, the ghosts hacked his email. That's right. Ghost in the computer. Classic. It is so funny watching these names, like, get deleted, like, name by name or whatever, because he's also, we have to make a point, I'm not just going to not use your guess list. Oh, I'm going to shred it right here. Look at this, right as Marilyn Manson kicks in. Yes.

Oh, I found your list, Jeffrey. Oh, don't look at that. No, what you have here? The Prebident of the United States. What, you didn't spell check it? What the f? It must be very hard for a good. goes to summon the power to type on the keys. They put it out and it's still got that squiggly red line under it. Eddie, better. This is wrong. This is wrong. Oh, my God. Yeah, and so Chris Catan, we get to see.

The great Chris Catan here is now ushering people together for this. Yes, he's like the, he's part of the family that currently owns the house. So Jeffrey Rush is doing like a verbo kind of thing here, I guess. His grandfather, I guess, had purchased it. And I was thinking today, I want to run this by you guys and all you find people at home. Sure. grandfather is funny right like you could abbreviate that as gf so your friend says oh my my ex gf you mean your ex-grandfather yeah and if everyone says like oh my you know they're texting you

oh my gf is coming your grandfather's coming to the party i like that use that at home feel you said you said a dick pick to your grandfather actually stop what you're doing and send a dick pick to your grandfather absolutely and tell us what he said and said oh i thought you were my gF I had you under GF, and I bet the wrong GF. You're in my phone as GF, but so's Cheryl. I was thinking about this all day. That's why I couldn't pay attention to the roller coaster. But Chris Catan, yes, in this role of Welcome Wagon or whatever.

And again, it's just more, like, there is a reason this original movie is a fucking perfect 75 minutes. Because it doesn't do shit like this, where they make them stop at, like, the top of the driveway. And then he's like, well, now we got to get out and walk because the driveway is out. And I was like, why is the driveway out? What are we doing except stopping a movie? And it's dark and it's murky and they don't show you anything of this exterior. So it's like, what are we even doing? Yeah, I didn't look into whether or not this was like a real house or a real building.

The first movie, it's a real building. The exterior. The exterior seems like this weird monolith. I don't know. It just doesn't make a cool art deco look of thing. I feel like if it was real, it would have had to be rebuilt after a tragic incident in which it all. fell into the ocean because that's the only thing that would make sense it looks like it's right there anyway and it does for a moment there i was reminded of like clue like when they're all

kind of gathering in the dog thing and i thought that's maybe but no they're just like walking in i think they're at it they're just padding time that's the thing too chris i think the problem is like it doesn't want to lean into those uh benchmarks but use those you know what i mean like the the whole haunted house thing like who is everybody how you know how did we get here all that stuff Like, it's a, make it a dark and stormy night. Like, who gives a fuck? You know who just did this grade? Is Abigail?

Like, stuff like this was just brought, like, yes, it slowly trickles out. This person is an ex-cop. This person is an ex-muscle. But the people, the people in this movie are so nasty, though, and fucking just real salty fuckers' laughs. Like, Famke-Jansen comes down the stairs and literally, like, her first line to these people is, who the fuck are all of you? Yeah.

And it's like, well, that's not the same twas a dark in stormy night. Who the fuck are you? Okay. Because yeah, everybody is pissed off to be here. And I don't blame them because they got to fucking deal with this movie there. And the audience feels the same way. I'm sure they did. And like, even like I think the original Looncastle's just also better at humor.

Like I don't think like Chris Catan is trying to put some energy into his character. But like I almost was like, you know what? You can bring out. If you can break out the mango, break out the mango. I got to get something here. kingdom for a mango reference in this movie or just like what is love

yeah just just do it totally totally like a song comes on and he just doesn't even have to be that song yeah just any song and he starts doing the Bhutavi brothers dance or whatever the memorable Chris Katan character stop there that's it the monkey boy there was some monkey boy oh right

I forget the name that was that mango yeah wasn't mango the love of the mango Chris is right yeah mango was like the lady mongo I remember the sketch because he did it when the rock hosted one time and he was like the bigger version of it. But there was a goat boy and there was that Jim Brew. That was Jim Brew.

That was Jim Brew. Right. Mango was cut. He was in like hot pants and he was like a mango. Everybody's in love with them. Like everybody becomes obsessed with that. Yeah, that's what it was. And nobody could be in his area.

But then yes, there was a monkey boy. Mr. Peepers is what he was done. That was the other one. Where like, yeah, he would come in and like he could not be controlled because it was Chris Catan acting like some sort of primate or something. And you know, you've got to hand it to Chris Catan. You follow him on Instagram, which you should. Very new, wholesome content.

And you follow Jim Brewer, and it's just like, I'm getting to the truth about the vaccine or whatever the fun. It's actually been quite delightful to follow Chris Catan on Instagram because he seems to be having a very nice life. Nice little life. And he threw out the first pitch at the Cubs game. What a guy. I maybe will never remember someone saying a line in a movie from this decade more than I remember. Stephen Yun saying and I mean it's Chris Catan

and he's crushing and nope when he's going through it all I like died I was screaming don't watch corky Romano no sure no stay away from that I had to project that that was bad enough yeah so Tay Diggs is in this movie the

I mean a real good looking guy you know what really handsome man primo shaped sideburn seems like you're you're saying this up front to insult He's just a really good looking guy And I'm sure he's great on stage And I'm sure if he's like him He'd be really great

You don't like him in movie acting Right But if he sent a dick pick to your grandfather That might be kind of nice I grease the wheels a little bit He's I think he's pretty good in go But you're right I don't know much else to say

I mean he hasn't had tons of stuff The way is it the best man trilogy Sure those movies are big Yeah The movies are very well like Chris nobody cares what you think I've seen them all Nobody gives a shit what you think about the best man.

Somebody might, you don't know, everybody. No one cares. I haven't seen any of them and I don't care. Well, you should. Well, he was a Broadway guy. He was on rent. He was, I think he originated in rent, I believe. Was he using the way of the gun?

Is that right? Yes, I think he's the other guy. One of the. Ryan Philippian, him, is that right? No, no, no. It's right. But then there's other two guys following them. Oh, okay.

Yes. And then, uh... He's an equilibrium. Equilibrium. Equilibrium. Yeah, he's a handsome guy. He's a really good. He's like, he's a good.

looking man. But he, I mean, he's like an ex-baseball player here. That doesn't come to anything. Well, what's funny about that is I thought he was going to also have a fake identity, right? Allie Larder admits to, like, not being the studio executive or whatever. There's one point in this movie where he beats the ever-loving shit out of Jeffrey Wright, or Jeffrey Rush, excuse me.

And I thought it was going to be like, fighting skills like that. You're no ex-baseball player. He was like, yeah, it was actually a green beret. Like, there's some crazy shit. shit, you know. No, just ex-baseball player. Nope. Did he break his knee? Did he, did he, whatever? Did he gamble and they kicked out of the sport?

Exactly. Never know. Like, tell me, like, anything about these people. Well, you know, we. Just swinging about at that ghost blob at the end, that would have been amazing. Even if it did nothing. Throw a ball. Yes, give a batter-up thing to the ghost, absolutely. The best thing you can do for your audience is to let their imaginations run wild. So, you know, maybe he did have a.

drug problem or a gambling. You don't know. You can just think about it, and that's the truth. You also, what's annoying, too, I was realizing now is there's moments in this movie where you realize that characters in the movie know more about other characters than the audience does. So, like, K. Jampson

appears to have a really solid notion of what Bridget Wilson-Sampras' failed television hosting career was or whatever, because that's her whole thing is she, when they're introducing, like, what their vocations are or whatever, she's Oh, I'm Melissa, whatever the fuck.

Celebrity, I guess. She's the one filming stuff. This weird camera she's got, by the way, whatever this old timey thing was. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, it's like an old, maybe one of the first digital cameras. It looks as out of place as the old lady with this, the crank camera. Look at all the ancient camera technology. I feel like it was a camera that like, and I don't know if this is actually true,

but it does feel like the way they had in a Home Loan 2, that recorder that was made, that was made with inconsistent. conjunction with home along two. They're pushing like they were pushing this little camera thing because this

it looks like shit. Maybe they're selling of this at Whammies. Might be a Whammy's. It might be a Whammy's exclusive. A deal at Whammies. I will say, yeah, Melissa Marr,

you got to like, when you do the table read and you're like, hi, I'm Bridget Samperts Wilson, I'm playing Melissa Marr. Is it, Melissa Marr Margaret Marr, M.M.M.

Lissie Marr. Tasty stuff. Somebody needs to go, oh, we got to change that mar. Yep. Oh, did the, did the printer cut off the rest of the name? Mils M. Marlowe. How about that?

Yeah, most of Marlowe. Maybe she gave to the bottom of this. But by the way, she says, and this quote I think is also from Philip Marlowe, is I'm trying to earn or fuck my way back into the industry. Oh, sure. Because I don't know exactly what the idea with this character. Like, now I would know it's an influencer. and that's what they're trying to do.

But at that time, I don't, like, a burgeoning journalist? It's like, I don't know. It's just a way, it's just like we're keeping, like, oh, she was, she had a, she hosted a show briefly. Right. And now she's down on her luck trying to get her way back in the industry. Someone's trailer park is showing. Oh, dude.

Yeah. One of these digs at her. Uh-huh. So, I mean, that's what it was back in the day. You're either a legacy or your trailer trash. I guess like a Jenny McCarthy type. Well, I think that's, it's, she's filming this stuff to be like, oh, here. I am as a personality on

location doing a thing. This makes total sense, the Jenny McCarthy thing, because the ghosts single her out first. They do. Oh, excellent. Yes. And they gave her a life backseat. Interesting thing about this character. In the original movie, it's a washed up actress who's older, played by,

I learned this last night going through the cast in IMD Robert Mitchum's older sister. Wow. Yeah. Pretty crazy. No. Not in this movie, Bridget Sampras. Sonia Blade. I think Robert Mitchum's older sister could have been a ghost in this movie. That sounds, again, that sounds like a

wheel of fortune answer. Robert Mitchum's older sister. Yay! I won the boat. Yeah, so we're going to, we'll get you a cash prize once I get a little top off on my box. Oh my God, that's an easy game show to win. It is.

This VHS trailer game. No. Advanced level game show are here. That's the gauntlet. Only the true champions. So Chris Catandias lays down the brief family history. P-Paw renovated the place, died in Florida of natural causes. Father died during the construction of the renovation or whatever. Don't read too much into that. He's, he is playing that like this house is haunted and you're all crazy. You'd think they'd make him related to Jeffrey Combs as a Vanacott or whatever. Yeah, that would make more sense. And also like Here's a big question.

Is Jeffrey Rush evil? And we don't want to answer that question. We don't even want to like, actor or character? Both. The answer's yes. No, but it's just because like here he's like, he wants to keep Chris Catan. Like his dad wants, his money's like, don't you want to stay? You know what I mean?

What is the point of all this? What is the point of giving everyone money? What is the point of doing any of this? Yes, no. He's a, he's a railroad tycoon at the, at the entertainment park. But what is that? If he was a Disney type of figure, yeah, he's got money to burn. But what is this?

Eric, let me answer your question. No. Got it. That's the answer to all of that is no. Speaking of a Disney type person, though, Walt Disney. Yep. Also pencil thin muster. That's true.

Yeah. Welcome to our wonderful house here. You can just stay here and the Nazis will get you. Yeah, welcome to House on Haunted No Jews Hill. Yeah, we check the attic. No, yeah, this is a little sketch I did at Goebbels. You know, he's got the jowls here He's driving a boat

People don't realize the goofy Was originally supposed to be Goybles He's a lanky guy Wondering around Getting into trouble Or aurovoire, Sarsana And then he's like Everyone complained

I guess I'll give him dog ears Yes, yes up there That's me with the desert fox Of course Someone out there Draw goofy as Joseph Goybles Oh I'm sure That's on fucking truth social

Somewhere already deviant art and he's stooping someone I'm gonna pay credits to unlock that photo and I don't want to I don't want to give my information to do so but you kind of want to see you do you know what that's you should get something like a version of

only fans of stuff like that and only gross Nazi shit yeah like you have to pay $20 right you can get certain pictures of your Nazi shit if you want it yeah that's this is fortune right Nazi shit but you monetize it Eric that's the key there Nazi shit anime stuff risque pornography

at 20 bucks you get to look at it buddy you don't got to be a shame so much like in the original they do have this the married couple has these sniping barbs at each other whatever but in this movie because it's in 90s we gotta fucking amp it up a little bit we got to make it a little more

extreme no because in the in the first movie Vincent Price has this thing where he's like oh boy remember that time you tried to poison me well wasn't that so fun or whatever it is right like doing the old bad lack stuff is fun and funny not the Fuck you, bitch. But that's the thing.

Like, everything is so amped up. He's like, oh, yeah, all the stunts where you tried to kill me before. The OJ knife with a not quite retractable blade. Oh, and about the Jim Jones Kool-Aid that was exactly that. And I'm just like, what is this fucking, uh, uh, uh, a wily coyote and roadrunner, or I guess more. Punch and Judy. Spy versus spy.

Yeah, more accurate because we are apparently both just trying to destroy one another. Instead of just getting divorced. She gives him a big round. bomb a bow on a special delivery for someone special. Oh, I didn't even know it was my birthday. What? I should have known. It was from the Acme Corporation.

Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. And I'm driving my sedan, and I'm going to a tunnel, and it's painted on. Just leave me a mon. I'm going to my briefing with Alfred In Newman. Also... Oh, dear, that safe definitely cracked my head and played my feet like piano keys.

that's the thing is they either need to go way further crazy cartoonie or scale it back like the original yeah um but uh uh oh what was i gonna fucking say oh and the other thing uh that we're throwing in here because it's the 90s twice in like five minutes she tosses out uh some fucking like gay barbs at him uh yeah you know like your fucking guys and you know whatever else is it the thought of me being fucked by other men or is it the thought of other men that turn you on? Yep. Yeah. So that's not great. It's all there.

But yes. Well, we'll see. Who knows? And also, like, either do it or don't do it. Maybe he is gay. Maybe that's all the thing. Why not? I mean, and but you, the problem is, Steve, you'd have to know, like, more about these characters and this movie is uninterested. Was that the motivation with the John Water's specific call

out with the mustache? I guess, I don't know. It just I like this explored a little bit. that all just sounds like a bunch of bullshit and from the jump they just wanted to make them look like Vincent Browns. Katan gets his check, but uh-oh, the house locks itself

secure and now he's like, we're all going to die. Katan's saying the house is alive. I do like this tauntine situation that Jeffrey Rush has set up here where, so everybody, if you survive the night, you get a million dollar check. If you die, your million

dollars goes into the pool. And other people get it. It's of one person is left alive you can walk out with five million bucks you need like eight people and so get some kills in here body count one guy yeah is like you know what if i kill her then i get my money you know what i mean like somebody's really into it there is that idea here for a movie and also if people die in a way that is graphic in some way the the glob beginning them is not really very scary no no no no no and also how about a final girl instead of the final two people yes also it's 1999 Survivor was on the air at this point

We had like the early days of reality TV You know and you could have done that thing Where it's like I'm strategically killing people Because of course I'm not here to make friends Yeah there you know Give me one of those like it's a game Like that's the person that's really into it

And then they die horribly first right Well yeah and there's just like no structure to any of it They're just like okay we're gonna go start wandering That's basically we're gonna go wander I just fucking fell into a blood vat Oops and doze. Nothing has happened near the fireplace at all. It's not like they're near the fireplace where all the drinks are and all the relaxing

is. And then like something happens like, ooh, we got to get out here. No, it's pretty comfortable. Nothing happens in that room. Just stay there, have a drink. I'm not going to go to the basement all waited out. Yep. Chris Catan initially has the right idea.

Just stay there and get drunk. Yeah. He's the one you should listen to this whole movie because he's like, listen, it is a haunted house. Just sit here. Let's just get wasted. You know what, though? It was better for, it was a better deal, at least. in the first one because

the money, even if you died money went to your family. Oh, that's nice. So you know what? You even have the people who are like just like, oh well, my life means nothing but my child might need something so you can kill me off. If you come across a ghost by the way, this is real life, nice.

Yeah. Pro tip. This is a pro tip. Yeah, no, seriously. How many encounters have you had, Eric? Oh, quite numerous, Chris. Okay. Oh, my lord. But no, no, just because they feed off your do not be afraid do not show them fear do the opposite yes get an erection oh yeah to start jerking off literally yes it's dominance i mean he is right that's right you got to treat these things like animals you know that's the best way unless it's that ghost in the cabin from ghost busters

that's actually a good thing she's into and you know what are you you got to turn that down i think that's against natural law because what a story that's actually fair if you get blown by a ghost and then you die and you go to have it, it's like, you-hoo! No, I didn't think we had a thing. No, I just thought that was a one-night thing. We're just having a little fun. If you could even believe it,

I was pretty sure I was never going to see you again. We do repeat some more beats here from the original. There is also coffins filled with guns in the movie. Another Jeffrey Rush crazy thing here. Apparently, according to Famke,

she's starting to notice some familiar beats as the night is starting and she's like this reminds me an awful lot of your son of Sam Hunt from 1994 dude so they went to the Bronx and just went around give me that movie doing what he was long caught 94 what he made a talking dog was it a ride like what was it

it wasn't even dead he was just like a lot guys it was just it was simpler that if you could survive one night in the Bronx A million dollars. Then it has to take place in 1977. Yeah, you better run, fat boy. It's a scary place.

Steve can attest to it. There are some scary quarters, I'll be honest. So, yes, then the fucking tragic mistake of this movie, we're in a big spooky house, former insane asylum, whatever. Let's spend 70% of the movie in the basement. Nice.

So there's got to be a power switch down there if we go down there with the power switch, You know, the sets are even lesser in the basement. Let's go check it out. I mean, that would be, it would be funny if, like, they were like, like, the TVs don't work or something. And they get so bored out of their minds. They're like, I have to do it. I have to go down there and do it.

No TV and no whiskey make Chris Katango crazy. But then again, that would be motivation. And they are just not into that. It's not what they're interested in showing. The only time you get motivation is, like, right before a character die. Yes. Basically. Yeah.

I would like to not die. The great Peter Gallagher sits on his hands, this entire movie. And then they're like, by the way, he's secretly evil or something. And I'm like, what? And then it happens. And he's dead 30 seconds later. It's very dumb. So Catan is like, yeah, you know, maybe it's in the basement.

I'm not going to go down there. You can go down there. Allie Larder and Taye Diggs decide they're going to go down. Somewhere along the way, Jeffrey Rush, does convince Chris Catan. So it's the four of them in this basement. And we're walking around. You're classic. Oh, yeah, it's like a maze down there.

Oh, is it Chris Katan? What is a surprise? They find a bunch of people from the bodies exhibit, some Chinese dissidents are down there. Oh, these things. Usually you have to pay like $20 to see these tortured to death Chinese dissidents down in Lower Manhattan, but they're here in the basement.

Along, you know, and they're doing fun stuff. We've got a murdered Chinese dissident. We're putting them on a murdered horse. That's funny. That horse also is against the government as well. Oh, big time. Yeah, that horse had a lot of things to say about Red China. Don't worry about it.

This is Axis from the Nordic Nazis. Oh, I never heard. Oh, they must be big fuckers. Control room guy at some point, because Rush goes into the office or whatever. And control room guy confirms, like, oh, I didn't do the lockdown thing or whatever. That wasn't me. We're walking around. We, you know, Katan is sort of pointing out like rooms we'll use later.

He's like, now there's the shock therapy room. Get ready for that. There's the room with the weird fucking. walk-in zoetrope device. I don't even know what that's supposed to be. Who the hell knows? I mean, one of the rooms is the saturation chamber, treatment for schizophrenia. What

made a sane man go mad mad, could drive a madman sane? The saturation chamber is what they... Is that what that is? That's the zoetrope thing. Got it. That's actually, I mean, that part is actually kind of cool. And I mean, like, when we see them...

That's what it gets the most centibite hotel-hout. You see, like, the ladies like, welcome. And she's got, like, crazy makeup and I'm like that's kind of almost scary the twisted nurse is what she's crazy is this other fat guy that's like got crazy like whatever he's almost a butterball type

like have these just go for it it's a ghost story these are the ghosts that are going around getting people have settle on ghosts and flesh those ghosts out and deal with it we do get Jeffrey Combs walking around at some point on the security cameras and that's all you ever see of him he becomes part of the blob and that's it stuff is the most effective part of the movie

when he's creepily walking on the security camera and it's it's it's it's combs my man knows how to act in a horror movie knows how to conduct himself that's who's killing everybody not a big blob of shit yes yes that would be nice and you know what here's the thing you already have Jeffrey Combs like hired for the movie

and whatever cheaper than whatever bullshit special effects you have to put together with computer animation I just want to be you know like that's the thing is maybe I'm like I just sit in on every script for like big budget movies and then the third act it's just

all these spirits combined together and I'm just in the back big blob of shit it's gonna look like a big blob of shit so at the end of Greenland and you see the parallax finally appears and it's this big enormous mollifulous clot big blob of shit it's gonna look like a big blob of shit

no but in this movie it's like a living roar shack you don't know really what it's a big blob a shit all right how about this one all right hang on Sandman is about to take over Lower Manhattan and he's waving all around this big construction site. It's going to look like a big blah of a shit though.

But I almost see what they were trying to do here and it's like, oh, it's otherworldly. It's, you don't know what it, what these spirits would look like or the quote unquote evil that is the house. Right. But I'm not, I'm not, I'm not Chris, Chris, Chris is about to have an aneurism. I am not defending it necessarily. I don't like it, but I understand what they were doing.

I would rather have the. doctor wandering around. I don't even know what the fuck it is. No. I don't even know is that. It's all the people who died in the house, I guess, that come together. The big quag of shit.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the haunting does that exact thing better though, because you know it's the dude who ran the orphanage and whatever and then he is consumed by all the baby ghosts. And the haunting sets up the scenario. It takes its time. You get like the sad sack character

going there it builds to anything this just all these people I don't know fucking shit about them no you don't know anything I don't know why anyone's getting a million dollars well I mean you gotta thank God that the haunting I mean that has the patience of the man who made speed

yon debaunt you know you know the man just knows how to really take a slow time there well that's the the nonsense thing about why they're all there is the ghosts invited them because their blood of the five people that didn't die in the fire back in 1931. The only thing that has motivation in this movie is the house.

Yes, the house is the most well-rounded character. The house should be, we should just entirely, it should be all the house's point of view. Like, oh, good, look who's coming in. It's so great. Right. It's just, you cut to the exterior and it's just the house talking. Right, and you get like, you get two window lights on,

and like one part looks like a smile at the bottom. Yeah, exactly doing it. It kind of like the lights flicker when he's talking. Yeah. It looks like the monster house. You're right. That's a fun little movie. Oh, that is a good movie.

Maybe the monster house is the one that's orchestrating this one. We have fake cashier's checks. Like, someone left an HP printer in this house. So now we're using it. This thing's internet accessible. You can do it all the fucking wants. Where you're going, Frank?

Someplace haunted? Kids, you don't know who you're talking to online. You can be talking to a house. Don't tell anyone personal information. I'll send anyone a picture. be a house. Oh, how's your flooring? Oh, your pipes clean or what? Does the curtain match the drapes? I'm talking about your house.

Not you. Not you. Call up an expensive roofer for me. Ooh, nice garage hanging off your back. Oh, my God, it was catfished. It was a fucking apartment. I sent all this money, and he just changed his windows with it. The first thing is Ellie Lardier gets slimed here and a big bucket of Goop. Sure, yeah. She thinks she sees

Tay Diggs, yes. Wondering around, but it's not Tay Diggs, it's some... This happens only once. Don't worry about it. ...projection of Tadig's just one. It's a doppledanger from the house and it jumps into the vat. She's trying to save him. And then he's like coming around the bend like, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah, exactly. That looks gross. Why are you doing that? There's a weird... This is kind of a weird... It's not a one-to-one from the original, but right, Chris, this is kind of like the acid pool. a little, but there's a pool of that. They put a fish in and it turns into it's a rat, I'm sorry, a rat

gets turned into a bone. Asset sounds scarier already than goop vats. She wipes it off. She's like, oh, that was disgusting. Because of course, it's the gross thing, right? It's not scary we want so much as we want to gross them out. We want to freak you out. That's why we have the nurses and the fucking butterball

fucking guy too. While she's wandering around trying to find Tay Diggs, we do get this exposition of she's not and it's funny her telling her story to no one. So no one really knows that she's not Jennifer Jensen or whatever it is that she's actually

Sarah knows. They kind of get into it here because she she's like oh give me a boost up I'm going to stick my arm in this fucking electrical box and try to like rewire some stuff or whatever and he's like okay no executive I know knows how to do like electrical work like who the fuck are you

actually and she's like yeah i used to basically work for this woman and i guess in the deleted scene she gets fired by either from the office or production or whatever and she steals the invitation off the desk so like that's her thing yeah i'm actually sarah whatever the fuck and i'm poor and i need this million dollars yada yada yada yada the funniest part about this because we are just like cheaply reusing sets left and right they come up from the basement like yeah so she fell in this blood toilet and i had to save her and boy there's what a fucking garbage experience that was, they cut to Famkee Jansen being like, oh, well,

I guess we better find our washed-up celebrity. And Bridgett Wilson-Sliberis. Back here, why? Great question, but also no one cares. She's going down the same stairs. They just went up and I was like, did you just see them? We just suck.

It's so stupid. It's a frustrating movie. And like, again, like, she is, she's a nauseous, Bridgette, uh, Malamar. Sonia Blade.

Her character is obnoxious. Miss Veronica Thun. She is also a better name. She's the first person to die. Yeah. Let's get a kill here. Let's get a real like. A real deal. Oh, no, wait.

Where's she? Maybe the house ate her. I don't know where she. Maybe the house aider? Something grabs her, which we don't see. And then she gets like dragged off the screen. She does. We do see an A-Fex twin video grab her for a second.

There's like a, there's like a, there's a monster with a weird face that yells out of it. It's actually kind of a cool part of the. movie she's got her weird late 90s video camera and she goes into the room that we saw from the beginning of the movie and she's seeing through the viewfinder of the camera the surgery that's happening and she puts the camera

down and no one's there she puts it back up and I I do think yeah I think this is an effective choice they all turn and look at her yeah what I wanted to happen though was because it would give off the vibe of the dude getting sucked off in the shining if also the dude on the operating table

sat up and was like would you you excuse us. I'm trying to be cut open while alive. I'm being murdered. Thank you very much. Give us some privacy for my murder. So she's distracted and creeped out by that and the Aethx twin video gets her. And then they find the camera when they go down and watch it. And it's like her arm, like it's a bloody arm. You don't even see the actress. It's just an arm. They're screaming. And then she gets dragged away.

And then you find like an hour later, you find the body chopped up in like a museum. like there's like a fake there's like a there's like a hidden room in the house that has that body in the closet but you be that cute yes they see blood on the ground they're like let's follow this or whatever and it goes up the wall and into the ceiling and then it's like

I don't know maybe the house ate her that's what Chris Chris Katana's like yep the house got her and I was like excuse me yeah I would be I mean at this point I'd be like you know what yeah he's probably right let's let's go downstairs and drink and not go near a place where the house might be able to eat us it seems like the attic and basement seem

really bad. What about any of the other floors in between? Oh, those are actually nice. I mean, you've shown us the exterior of this building, right? It is clearly at least let's be conservative, at least like 10, 15 stories tall, right? Plenty of, it's like

if you had the shining and they just fucking stayed in the living room or the apartment the whole movie. Yeah, a question back. If we like find things in extra room, do you get extra money any points? No. No, you You don't. Okay. Where's the bar? Bar again? I mean, you know, mentioning the shiny is great because that's an example of utilizing a space and it feels massive. Yes. It feels huge. You get that unsettling stuff in there. Yeah. This, it's, it's, it's, there's nothing to it. You have room for erotic nightmares from a master. Well, here's the thing. You've got like, you've got H.H for H.H. These haunted houses are fucking each other now. You know what I mean? Like, you got the, oh, on the West Coast. Well, I'm on, I'm on. I'm on.

I'm out in Denver. Oh, not too far of a drive. We could meet somewhere. I'm getting over a breakup. I have a hard time talking about her. Her name is Amity. And she's, you know, she was wonderful. I don't want to say anything.

She had that ramshackal ass. I mean, this could work. You ever see like one of those wide load trucks transporting a whole house? I've seen it. It happens. These houses are on the move. They call, they called MiamiDie a horror. And you know what?

She's a sweet lady. The sweetest house I ever talked to. Beautiful. You got beautiful shutters, baby. I was like staring into them. That brolin son of bitch, you just didn't know what he got. For a while, I was trying to get a date with the house that played Doc Brown's mansion in a couple of those back-to-future movies.

She's a fucking snooty girl, though. Wouldn't call me back. Elitis! You know, there's definitely people that want to have sex or want to be in love with haunted houses. Absolutely. There's your famous Steve's favorite documentary. I married the Eiffel Tower. Oh, dude, yeah.

Which I guess she's now fucking a fence She's a offense. She's a fence. She left The Eiffel Tower. No, I think she's polyamorous. I think she could fuck. She can fuck this Eiffel Tower. Open relationship. Very progressive. Well, that's the best thing about, you know, being in love with the Eiffel Tower, right? Is if you cheat on it, there's no way

it knows. My favorite part of that whole fucking documentary is she is talking to this woman at the Berlin Wall Museum in Germany. And she's like, the Berlin Wall was just so beautiful. No, it was a period of impression in terrible. That is true. No, but the spirit is so sexy.

What now? No, terrible things happen here. People die trying to get crossing that thing. 999. Go back to America, bitter. Bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter. Go back to America. So fucking sexy, man.

Oh, that sexy wall. Oh, my God, the Golden Gate Bridge. And those Germans, they're testing with their history. Oh, yeah, yeah. When I was in Berlin, I went to a World War II bunker, and they're like, okay, why do you want to see this? Are you one of these people that want to get off down? Oh, whoa.

They're very serious about that shit. Did you tell them the truth? I told them the truth. I wanted to master them. No, no, no, I mentioned that. You know, I minored in history, in college, and it was enough to give me a pass. Oh, there you go.

And you weren't even lying. That's a truth thing. It was a true thing, yeah. Yeah, so, like, she's gone. I think at this point, like, there's another, there's a lot of sniping between Jeffrey Rush and. Yeah, this is... I'm going to sleep or whatever.

She fires a gun. That's right. You know, and it's like, well, now I'm going to bed or like whatever the fuck. This is where he discovered... Jeffrey Rush then discovers control room guy with his face carved out like a watermelon. That would disturb me for the rest of the movie. That's the most disturbing kill of the entire film. It's brutal.

And it's by, like, the one character is like, what's that? Oh, that guy. It's so, it's so like grotesque. in the way that it is, but, like, if it was funny, it would be a Tim Burton joke. It would be, like, a Beetlejuice thing. It's like an unfuny, super grotesque beetle juice joke. It's still an off-screen kill.

It is, it absolutely is. But if I'm Jeffrey Rush, it's like, well, it's time to get the fuck out of here. They calmed his face out. Like, you know what I mean? And the problem is, like, if you're not, why you're not seeing all this stuff is because the bullshit thing, right, of we can't see what's actually happening to them because we want to keep up the mystery of who's actually doing it. I don't give a fuck.

Tell me it goes from the jump and let me see that happen. And like the tech was supposed to be setting up these scares and Jeffrey Rush was supposed to be set. This proves that it's real. This should change the dynamic. Exactly. But it doesn't. He still acts the same way and he's still kind of evil but not even.

Yeah. And he even puts on the fake blood vest later to do a fake kill. Yep. What are we doing? What on earth are we doing? I love the fact. Yeah, you saw a dude's face legitimately carved off of the body. Right?

Like you're going to fill out of the ice cream. Yeah, like you're going to fill it with fun punch or something. I think that's why they didn't show it because they don't know how that happens. Yeah. They don't know how that happens. I house did it. Regardless of how it happens, though, like you saw it. You saw that shit.

And then you're like, well, now I better put on this fucking vest with squibs or whatever. The game continues. The show must go on. It does not. Your friend is fucking carved into nothing. Well, you know, the house, it's a mortgage payment. It costs an arm and a leg. Yes, but me and it.

my wife must continue this production of the War of the Roses while you guys kill each other so he admits around this he sees Vandekut on the camera right here we get into that a little bit and then this there's a little bit of a montage because

hey why not like of course this couldn't be 75 minutes we got to fill it with nothing so there's a bit of like we're walking through everyone sort of discovering the house or whatever and then you just hear screaming and it's like oh FAMK Jensen's not in their bed anymore. They run

down to the basement and she is on the fucking electro-shock table getting rocked by this thing. To Eric's point though, I didn't know who it was. I thought it was Brigitte Samson for me too. Wilson for a second because it was like, oh, who is that? What which tall, statue-esque blonde

or what sharp features being tortured right now? That got really tough for me at the end when mostly everyone is ghosts and you're seeing these like digitally animated faces and I was like, is that Famkee Jansen or is that Bridget Wilson? Like which one I can't tell?

And why are their breasts in this blob? I guess the nurses from the back in the day anyway. There's a bunch of them. What was the trivia on that? How they made the figure was they like filmed some naked ladies, which you do. And then I guess they put them together in this whole. Like so much of a mosaic that they just made it. No, it's for a horror movie. Keep going.

No, yeah. That's me. That's me and my, that's art of my friends from college when we went to San Francisco. Jose for that weekend right there. Yeah, that's aspect there. I guess it's sort of like in the devil's advocate where the painting comes to life. There's a bunch of like naked frogs. Wow, better movie.

Yeah. Oh, God. I'd kill to watch. This movie needed a fucking hog beast in it. Oh, yeah. Who's going to eat a thousand pound ganks? That'd be more interesting. If Jeffrey Rush was the owner of the house and he's feeding them criminals or something. Yeah, anything. So she's

dead and he's like upset for a moment. he's like, someone killed my wife and you know. They get into it. It's a big fight. This is where Tate Diggs beats the shit out of him. Yes, and they put him in that in the scary room. The saturation Jake. Oh, boy. Right, right. And then Peter Gallagher is going to be watching

over him. No, no, you go on ahead. I'm just going to stand here for no reason. And he starts, oh, wait, oh, you want the door up. Well, is this better? She starts turning on the contraptions that would make you go crazy. Fidgeting. Yeah, like this is a problem. You can't be a fidgetter in this situation.

Got to keep your hands to yourself. Otherwise, you're going to turn yourself into a film strip. And this part is pretty cool, the Zoetrope, Jeffrey Combs kind of thing. Yes. Yeah, and he looks, rotoscope, rather. That's what I'm looking for. He looks at him and it's like creepy. And then again, we go into this room, this world where all these ghosts are inhabited

and they're like drowning. It's like they're trying to make him one of them. And I'm like, oh, that's a cool idea. Sure, yeah. You know what I mean? They're drowning him. They're going to make him into a centivite kind of thing too. Just lean into one idea.

Yeah, that was great. Something. Yep. Give me something to latch on to. Instead, now, we got Peter Gallagher leaves to go check Femke here. And I thought this was going to be a very cool necrophelious. It seemed like, I mean, he's doing it for a minute. It's coming there.

It is before he resurrects her with the fucking medicine, dude. Right. It's like, speaking of no one's looking. Yeah. So he kisses or whatever. And then he, he's like, oh, so much more pliable this way. It was on the bucket list. His left eyebrow was like, do it, Peter.

Get her. And there's my eyebrow. I was like, this is wrong. She can't convince herself. He gives her. I believe he gives her a crout patch like she's a baseball player. Good job out there today. And then he injects her.

She comes back. So it was all a ruse. This was all a setup. She's like, what do you think you're doing, mister? You're a little necrophilia fucking fetish. Oh, my left eyebrow was like to give me some bad ideas. I'm proud of you, Peter. The left eyebrow has little horns and the right eyebrow has a halo.

Exactly. Meanwhile, Taye Diggs and this is what Taye Diggs and Alley Larder find, they go in the Resident Evil room where all the documents are. Check the bookshelf for the next clue. Move the statue. They get it. It's like a little

document with all the people's names. She's like, wait a second. These are the names of everyone here. It's a fucking photo, dude. Speaking of the Shining, it's like the staff photo from that year. But also like it doesn't even it makes no sense to have it

and it's like, oh my God, the house invited everybody who's the descendant of the person from this photo. That didn't happen because maybe the house invited it. Nobody showed up. It's, it's, it's, it's, uh, we find out, uh, Alie Larner is a fake fucking person.

Uh, we find out later Tate Diggs is adopted. We find out, there are no true. And we find out that, uh, even, what you call, uh, Peter Gallagher isn't anybody either. He just came, he's a sneaky guy. Right. How is Peter Gallagher on the list. Yeah, you're right. He's out of the list. He sneaks in because he's Fabka Jansen's boyfriend. So literally the house is like 0 for 5 in invitation. It was drunk. Look, it was late.

The drunk house, it happens. The house, you know, the house tried to call up the Shining Hotel on the phone. She wasn't picking up. He got wasted. Babe, I love you so, I want to be in your gold room so bad, babe. Oh, man, I fucked up. That guest list so bad. I was so drunk. I was up last night trying to call Morocco. Why? Why won't you let me talk to are shed. Why won't you let he's a beautiful young boy. Baby, I want to eat your

box, the ice box in the house, in you. They reveal that their whole plan is they want to get these folks so jinned up and scared and angry about the situation that one of them shoots Jeffrey Rush and so

they can be together and yada. Right. And then she's like oh, but oh no, where's Jeffrey Rush? And she's like, that won't do we need another body and she just murders Peter Gallagher this makes no fucking sense because at least like when that happens

you're okay I've got something to hold on to for two seconds of us there those two are not it together they're bads their bannies that's cool oh no now he's dead and you know like she's not really trying to get the money no like if you're trying to get the money yeah start stabbing these people yes

but I just don't understand the motivation for any one at this move you want the money but you started the contest? No, she wants all the divorce money and like the whatever, like the... But then you're just going to kill this guy that could have helped you kill Jeffrey.

It just doesn't make any fucking sense. No, it doesn't. I think Peter Gallagher was like, hey guys, I just found out my great-aunt Hortense passed away. And I have to attend the ceremony. You got to, you're going to have to kill me. I got this earlier.

I got this little press to do for to Jillian on our 37th birthday. If you could just get me out of here a little earlier, I'd really appreciate it. You wouldn't believe it. That little whiz kid, Steven Soderberg, has another movie for me. You wouldn't believe it, but he did it again. I need to be on three to four different law and orders.

If you could just get me out of this one, kill me real quick. Where did he pop up on? He was on SVU for a while. He was like the chief of police or something? Wasn't he all over like the O.C? He was the dad or A dad on the OCE. SVU, he was like the dad of one of the dead-faced later ADA guys. Yes, but he was also like a.

A cop up in the department of some kind Because he's always like You know Olivia My son deserves special treat He's always a welcome presence Of course, yeah That's why I'm so pissed that they kill him For nothing in this movie

So he's handsome and he's got He can actually follow through unlike Tay Diggs He's got talents Talent as what I've always found Tate Diggs Completely charming He took the shot He took the shy

I know I'm not saying it to you I was literally looking at no one I was saying about how great he was and weigh of the gun. I remember him and go and everything else. I'm just like, oh, he's in stuff. You think he would have a bigger career than he did. Like, if you go through his filmography,

it's less than you think. I mean, I know Andrew, it's the unspoken thing, but the best man was kind of a franchise. It was a huge franchise. Yeah, he's got four movies. No, I'm not saying it's an unspoken thing. I'm just, I was saying that people who like those movies don't care that you don't like them. Oh, they might. Again, you don't know. But the first one,

Best Man, Best Man Holiday. There's a third one of it. Best Man wedding? I think they finally get to I mean the first one's fine I remember seeing that and thinking that was fine But like these other ones It's them like singing like karaoke and stuff It's just basically like they're all hanging out

Sounds fun But they are very successful Yes That is why he made his money We're sitting here being like What is he and what was his big Like those movies were huge Those were where I think he got his money

They open They go to the fucking Back to the chamber at some point And they're like oh let's get Jeffrey Rush out of there meanwhile we've already seen a door someone a mysterious figure opens the door

and gets him out or whatever and then they open the door and it's Peter Gallagher's fucking decapitated head and then the body falls out like okay so Famke I'm shooting this pilot for fucks you can use my head if you need it I just gotta get out of here I really I got the car

yeah I'm talking but you don't know here like if it's was this also of Famke? Or was this the ghost? Because if it's Famke trying to frame Jeffrey Rush for Peter Gallagher's murder. I need, set that

goddamn up. Give me a parlor scene. But here's the thing, though. If that's true, Steve, if what you're saying is what you're supposed to read the movie as, then this character who we know kind of nothing about except she's just like, Mary do a rich guy and is kind of nasty to people, is willing.

Oh, yeah. After killing a dude to mutilate the body and cut the exactly and prop it up like that like how crazy are these people she needs to be explored as a total lunatic because that's Mrs. Worthy's shit yes exactly but yeah so everyone's like oh my god

now this is this the part where Jeffrey Rush gets shot by Alley Larder basically uh yeah it's popped for yeah basically she's like he's walking towards her totally covered in blood like basically covering holding Peter Gallagher's head he's like but I just want to talk to you

he's like oh help me help me help me i know please help me oh and she fucking shoots the shit out of this dude not too shabby it was it comes to find out it was blanks and he had like a squib vest on for his classic prank before we have three minutes of famkey jansen just milking it this night i'm so happy you're dead you piece of shit oh did you get that one let me say again i'm so happy that you're dead you piece of shit from the moment i said eyes on you i've always loved your money It's fun It's kind of fun

In a way We get him Talking to her corpse Which is not a corpse And her talking to his corpse Which is not a corpse Yep You know I mean

If they explored this marriage More would be more effective But at least we Have scenes here Of sort of emotion Yeah It's something right Because he wakes up

I'm Stephen fucking price And now it turns out Uh oh he's known this whole time About her and Blackburn He's hired people to follow her And sure This that and the other thing And I was like

Okay cool This is like the love triangle stuff from the first movie what the other dudes already did. You killed him for no reason. Well, look, I wanted a body and you gave me one. Thank you for that at least. Sure. There was that and

Sonia Blade. They're both cut up. That's nice. She should be the one that's really obsessed with the house. That's why she's watching Peter Graves and stuff. She wants to add to the legacy. She's read about it. Because it is her idea. So like let that go a little bit more. She should be like Gabriel and Mission Impossible

what the fuck Dead Reckoning. Dead reckoning. Like the representative of the house. She has a connection to the house. That would actually give you something. Because that guy was the ambassador for the algorithm and she would be the ambassador for the house. Right. Yeah. No, I like that idea. Hey, you know what? Good idea. It's a connection of anything, literally anything. I love Jeffrey Rush going, happy birthday, baby, and pushing her through the wall. So like, check

off's hole in the wall. Like when they're doing the first basement tour in Catan Allie Lard is like, oh, what's there? It looks like someone tried to cover something up and he's like, yeah, it's terrible. I'm not going to tell you anything about it. And I was like, well, we'll be visiting that later.

Will we not? So he pushes her through that. And then this is where, I guess you got pushed into the ghost room. Yeah, you woke it out. This is where the house lives. This one room. It's his caretakers apartment or whatever because this is like, this black shadow is like

slithering across the floor. I want to stand up. Oh, this Black Shadow to have, like, a hat on and a robe and reading a book. Like, what the devil is that? Excuse me? Roughly puts it down. Well, that I'm going to be a big blabber shit. That's it.

You're going to get melted, young lady. And so all the, like, she stands up or whatever, and all these spirits come out the wall and grab her and pull her into it. But also half melt her. The face starts melting off. She comes into a statue sort of or something. This is lame. You know, just do the fucking... Make a choice, God damn it.

Do the last crusade. Make her age instantly or something. Absolutely fine. Because it just has this a completely undeveloped thought of like the way that the house kills you is it absorbs you into it, but what? It kills you in post-production.

Oh, I just realized who the house is. Oh. Noob Saibat. Oh, sure. He wins a lot. Big Black Shadow guy. I did Sonia Blade all those time. Smoke

Noob Saibot While this I was just like a Scooby do They pull off the roof of the house It was Noob Saibut That's all right That's you know what dude Like you got Carl Urban

I guess he's playing Johnny Cage In this new Mortal Kombat Who is playing Noob Saibut Get me Noob Saibon In that movie We need nobsi I think Paul Walter Hauser As Noob Saiba

Go because Chris Pratt's gonna voice him So watch out with that shit Yeah look out that guy That guy cast a big shadow He does He's too busy man making this Chris Farley movie. No one wants to say. Thank you. Do you see the fucking video of so like Carvey and Spade have that podcast? And Carvey like brought it up. I saw the video on

YouTube and he's like, so what do you think about this? David Spade, the dude who still feels the knife in his heart every day waking up thinking about his best. The wrong kid died. Well, certainly that. But he's just like, Spade tries to play. Like he doesn't want to be an asshole because it's like it's going to be a big movie. He's like, yeah, I don't, I don't know. I haven't really thought too much, and inside you can just see him like, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. You also know that someone's going to play him. Well, that's the other thing, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, who's playing me?

Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. That's exciting. Well, I mean, it's probably, I, Noob Seibut could play him. I mean, it might get Paul Walter Houser his, his Oscar. Like, that's all I could think of. Or is it just going to be a featureling film of Chris Farley kid from high school? Yeah.

It's going to suck. It's not going to be good. You're up like Mikey Day playing Norm McDonald's or something. Well, that's, I mean, we're going to get a bunch of these. It wasn't the S&L 75? Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Rightman's new movie, SNL 75.

No, thank you. I think it's like the first night they went on the air. Is that what it's about? Yeah, sounds right. It's supposed to be in the show. It's supposed to, it's essentially like that episode of Studio 60 on the sunset strip when it's just the show, when they're just going to backstage and all that shit. No, it's going to be like late night with the devil on Lauren Michaels is to talk to the devil. Yes.

The tall trees where we met, of course. Because that guy sold his soul. Oh, absolutely. He's a behemian Grove for sure. Oh, and here's Jane Curtin to vomit blackness. Dan Akron's dressed as a huge owl. Yeah, whatever. She's dead.

And then we find Melissa's body. It's like the Tasmanian devil tearing through the house at this point. Yes, that's the rest of this movie. And like... It's like a little tornado coming for you. Jeffrey Rush is running away from it. and everyone else and Catan, Ali Larder, and

Taye Diggs are still alive, so they're running up and down the hallway. Jeffrey Rush at some point has the thought, oh, well, if there's no control room in the basement or whatever, maybe the attic, and like, he runs up. Wouldn't you know it? There's all the gears that we saw at the beginning of the movie, so he's like fucking around there trying to figure out.

How does Katan get it? Ketan gets it? Oh, my God, he gets it towards the very end when the window, well, no, wait. The door, yes. And the blob is there. Because Jeffrey Rush is coming. He's being chased by the blob. He runs, like, Chris Cattan opens the door. He runs in and just like Catan gets eaten by the blob. Yeah, which again, like, okay, cool, that's just nothing.

It's a little anti-clim, man. But you know what? It was sad that he died, so he gets to special cast for a goal. But you don't, he just, he just disappears in the blob. It's not, it's not a kill. Nobody cares. He just left the movie. Yes.

The weird, the weird visual here to like really hammer home that the house is alive or whatever, after Catan gets pulled through the door the hallway turns into sharp teeth more of this more of this but this effect is so bad dude that makes the Langalears look like Avatar at least it's at least it's not a blob of shit a big a big mouth

I remember that from Evil Bed too Mouthouse? Mouthouse dude Mouthouse Hey baby I got a big mouth What do you bleed your elevators into my big mouth Oh you're into that art Oh yeah It's very funny when

I believe it's Allie Larder sees the ghost of the Melissa Marr character And the ghost just goes Sarah you have to stay for my show And I was like We don't know that you're obsessed with that stuff Sorry And also I didn't know you in life

And I'm certainly not going to befriend you As a ghost Yeah I didn't want to come to your improv show in person And I didn't want to come to your ghost improv show either but they all get up there this thing's also looking like a Rorschach test as it follows them really bad design Oh yeah

psychology Yeah don't you Just everybody stop and think for a second So now we're in the attic And all three of us Jeffrey Rush, Taye Diggs and Alley Larder in the attic Alley Larder in the attic They get the window open

And Allie Larder jumps out She's on a ledge Right He's like oh gosh And oh no That's right She's about to do that But Jeffrey Rush, who's been an evil son of a bitch, the entire movie,

sacrifices his life and soul for Ali Larder for some reason. Were you just betting if these people would live or die? It doesn't matter to him. He hates everybody. He hates life. Like, this character does not, A, need a redemption arc, or B, it makes any sense to do it of a redemption arc. No, it actually makes it worse. Like sometimes, like, when you say that, right, the protagonist didn't go through any change.

It's badly written. No, not in this case. You're shoehorning in a total change of this person With nothing other than like, well, I've had a pretty rough night Well, she's the good guy, and I used to be the bad guy, I'll help the good guy I'm sorry, it's not final pervert, it's final girl If you've got to, you know, trade it off here instead. Well, it's the Night of the Living Dead.

Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, good point. Oh, but so yeah, like she... But they die, of course. she gets she's on a platform and then the thing shuts and like now it's just tay digs by himself and then he yells out like i don't have anything to do at this i'm adopted and i'm like really dude yep well that the emotion that he puts into that of course yeah summons the ghost of chris catan i'm sorry but like when i was if i when i got that photo and they were like oh everyone here is related like this guy baker's like your grandma i would have been saying i'm

adopted the entire walking around the entire house throwing out that adoption story. House, just listen to me. I wasn't close with him. I didn't even know who he was. Okay? You know, you know. He was never there. I ate some dinners at his house. How about

that? That's the extent of our relationship. It was like a Saturday thing only. And the food was bad and I told him. He hated me more than you. Two-story home. One toilet. He deserves everything he got. I was adopted when I was 17. I moved out.

Literally four months later. I have my emancipation papers right here. Hold on. I will send you their house. You can mess with that house. What are we talking to your split level? It's about to be. Is she single?

So, whatever, yes. The announcement that he has adopted brings to the front cherub ghost Chris Catan and he uses his ghost power to pull the fucking window back open. Tay Diggs gets out, door closes. They're literally

on this ledge looking out over the ocean. They have the cashews checks. They all have a laugh about that. And then Allie Larder, the last line of the movie just goes, now wait a minute. Well, how are we going to get down? Bad up, but up, but up, credit. And then David Boy, try dressing in the hearts fit to lessy.

Dude, I fucking wish. It wasn't that, wasn't? No, it was it? It was just the seven credits. Fucking wish. Yeah, yeah, I wish. It would have been way bad. Now, some people weren't so disgusted with this movie. They turned it off immediately. there is a stinger there is a stinger scene it's at the very end of the credits it's only like five seconds six seconds zero dialogue so we we see the footage of dr vancott you know geoffrey comes being ripped apart by the patient uh the patients in the in the riot and now it's jeffrey rush being ripped apart

and it's like it was sitting on an operating table it's a you were always here kind of and now they're always going to be tortured for all time being baddies. And if that's the case, then why would you sacrifice yourself for Allie Larger? Hey, good question. And it was never answered. But that is the end of this movie. Man, what a slog. For 93 minutes, what a slog.

We'll go around here, final thoughts. Eric Sis. Yes, I hate it more even now that we've talked about it. My God, holy crow. Give me anything. You've got to give me something to latch on to. I know you're doing an ensemble, but you've got to lean into some character. and give me motivation for these people.

This movie, as is, does not make sense. No. It's my review. Chris Cabin. Yeah, I mean, it's a horrible movie. You definitely should. Watch the original. It's on Amazon Prime.

Hell yeah. Colored or black and white. You can choose as you wish. Yeah, you got a black and white that man. I just, like, I needed it to choose, and I needed to choose any path. Yeah. Like, there was a chance. You could have even made this about, like, the house itself.

Yeah. Like, you know, but there's no, like, following it through it, we're just cutting around into the new entranceways and that's it. There's no pathway to, literally the thing I think to put the most effort in is finding like the exterior for this place.

That is kind of cool. It looks cool from the outside. Everything else fucking sucks. Steven. So at the end of our movie White Noise, you understand it? And all the ghosts kind of form this big it's a big blob of shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that is what I'm hired here for. I make $200,000

a year. It's going to be a big blob of shit. It's like the guys from modern romance. No, it's going to look like, it's going to sound like a big pile of shape. No, I agree with everybody. There's nothing here. I mean, like, Jeffrey Rush is trying to have fun. I do think this is the heyday of Fabka Jansen. I was, I was liking stuff.

She's apparently like in that new Boy Kills the World movie. She is. Boy kills the world. Steve. Oh, my God. Is it awful? It's the worst thing you fucking, it is, I'll say this. Oh, here we go.

What's his name? It's the worst thing that H. John Benjamin has ever been evolved with. Interesting. Way to see what they do with him. It's Bill Scarsgard as a mute character, but he has an internal monologue that's H. John Benjamin. Oh, that's so stupid. That sucks so hard. It's so fucking bad.

Bad idea. You see, I saw the trailer for that movie in the theater at Regal, but I never saw the Fall Guys trailer. Amazing. Yeah, there's nothing there. You know, just Allie Lartner, Taye Diggs and Bridgett Samson, whatever the hell of the name is.

Bridget Wilson, Sampherson. Veronica Vaughn. The woman is battling cancer right now. Get her name right. Fair enough. Of Ace. So there you go. No, yeah, this is dog shit.

It's absolute dog shit. Stinky. You know, it wasn't the second time I've seen this. I will admit to you, I've seen this movie a few times. but terrible stuff. I will say, though, just because I'm a fucking pain pig,

I'm a glutton for cinematic punishment. I'm going to watch that directed DVD sequel made it eight years after this piece of shit. Report back to me. I want to hear about this. Oh, I definitely will. Just like I reported back on the second arrival. Don't worry, I got you, baby.

But that is going to do it for this episode of We Hate Movies, as always. If you want more of our fun shows here, check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. You've got a whole family of shows over there, including this month on We Love Movies. We have an episode all about

Mad Max to the Road Warrior Fantastic movie Fantastic episode Really fun conversation Animation damnation On the return to the planet of the apes That's right Which is a

It's not a great 70s cartoon I didn't remember we did that I did I did you know why I will say this now Because it's not on the episode of it But since recording that I've watched every single episode

Of course All 13 Little Apes Cartoons, dudes. And you know what? Pretty fun. Nice. I smoke a lot of weed. So if you want to follow along at home, we are watching the first episode of that.

You could find it on YouTube, I believe. We've got our too old for this shit. It's a top tier commentary idea show that we're this month, this time around we're doing the X-Men 97. That show is so good. Hell of us. We've been recapping every episode of that show on the top-tier level. Of course, Melrode 210, a real banger this month, just the, the creepiest fucking dudes getting down on both shows.

Gilmire. Yes. This guy's name is Gilmire's. He looks like that and he doesn't get arrested. Bullshit. I mean, yep. So it's sexy criminal teachers a month on Melrose 210. It absolutely is.

Yeah, we got the Nexus, which is our Star Trek show. We're talking TOS and TNG, as always there. On the Gleap Glouclery this month, we are covering Calista, and that's not Calista Flaqa. No. It's a, you got, you got, I don't even want to spoil it. Tune into the episode to hear about this long-lost Jedi Callista. It's going to turn your hair white. But as always here, next Tuesday, we hate movies continues.

You can catch, We Hate Movies on Patreon. Also, ad-free. So you want to be sure you got that. Now, next Tuesday, though, the show continues. Steve, what are we talking about it? check my glasses here. It's Garfield, the tale of two kitties? What? Wait,

four kitties? Wait, what? Dude, I'll tell you this, man. I'm sure it's a piece of shit. I haven't seen it yet, but boy, oh boy, 82 minutes, you better believe it. I have a good time to see. What a blessing. So until next week, when we're talking about something that's barely a feature-length film, I've been Andrew

Juven. Stephen Zeta. Eric Sisker. Chris Kapp. Take it easy. Thank you. Thank you.