We Hate Movies - S14 Ep747: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (with Ben Worcester)

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

“Asshole is the right word…” - Steve, on Paul Blart’s attitude toward hotel staff On this week’s SBE episode, we welcome back our good friend, Ben Worcester of Hooked on TJ Hooker to chat about the absolutely abysmal comedy sequel, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2! Why did they insist on making this guy so cripplingly pathetic? Why can’t we do better by Neal McDonough in Hollywood? Were people holding their breath over whether the Sandman would cameo? And what in the WORLD were they thinking with that ice cream gag? PLUS: Eric invents a new Kevin James-starring revenge series based inside the world of John Wick: John Fork! Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 stars Kevin James, Raini Rodriguez, Daniela Alonso, Eduardo Verástegui, David Henrie, Gary Valentine, Ana Gasteyer, Nicholas Turturro, Loni Love, Shelly Desai, Vic Dibitetto, D.B. Woodside, Bob Clendenin, and Neal McDonough as Vincent; directed by Andy Fickman. Be sure to pick up your tickets for our summer time WORLD WIDE DIGITAL EVENT where we’ll be talking all about the action classic SPEED! Head over to Moment dot co slash We Hate Movies and get your tickets now— and don’t forget to bundle in your ticket for the Q&A After Party that’s going down right after the show that night! Can’t make it to the live show? No problem! The show will be available for replay for a full TWO WEEKS after air. So you’ve got 14 days to check out the show after it happens! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs! Including new SHEENPRIL, Night Vision & Too Old For This Shit designs!   Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, it's a movie that tells you the fatter they are, the funnier they fall. It's Paul Blart Ball Cup 2. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska 2. Ben Worcester going away. Where to? No, he's here.

He's here. That's the whole thing. Ben Wester's on the program. It's We Hate Movies. Yay. Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. As you heard up top, we are joined by one by one of the two sexy movies. co-hosts of Hooked on T.J. Hooker. Ben Wister's on the program once again. Hey, buddy. Oh, gentlemen. Why? How could you do this to me again? You got blarded. We got to

punish you. We want to punish you. Sexy punishment. And you're the cop expert from T.J. Hooker. That's right. Hot cop here for you to give you all all your Paul Blart, uh, what, fantasies. I guess. Hot ladies do have fantasies. Better start eating. kid yeah well that's the thing like you know a cop on vacation you could argue like well you know john mclean's still a cop even though doesn't have jurisdiction he could do it sure a a security guard is just an asshole like that's yeah that's kind of it there's no other there's nothing like oh man well he's a security guard so anyway that's the joke of the movie i i get it but it also means nothing do you think that we could show up at any other like podcasting network studio and start like

pushing our way around, you know. And we don't have jurisdiction, but I'm a podcaster, yeah, checks out. Call New York. Excuse me, Ira Glass, just move over, please. Yeah, yeah, I'm a podcaster. I know there's Chicago, but I'm in New York right now. I get to frisk your dick. You'd have to figure out that.

There are four fat men in my office right now. Stay with us. What a sad this American life. If you were getting up in Ira Glass's face, you know, being annoying like Paul Blart, what would you do? I feel like I would give his like those big old glasses a little and then like kind of polish one of them

you gotta mess with those Coke bottles I'd get right in his face and I'd just whisper none of it's as funny as you think it is and just quietly walk away Has he been trying comedy? No no no but it's just like you would always get those moments where like

and this is just kind of any NPR NPR adjacent thing where it's like the slightest bit of humor is like a very pat on the back like oh wasn't that funny wasn't that fucking green little chuckles I am being bullied by five New Yorkers

this week on the program my glasses that would be a big guest guest slot for us I would love that this week on the program oh my god they found me I don't know how they found me they're coming to kill me Oh, no, we're coming to blow on your glasses and say, you're lovely.

Three to five feral hogs are in my office right now. This is indeed a conversation around Paul Blart Mallcup 2 from 2015, directed by Andy Fickman, who is indeed an associate producer on the film Anaconda back in the day. Excellent. He's also directed a bunch of other movies you also don't like. Look goes up at your leisure. this is a movie that I didn't like and boy you know I feel like

I didn't go back to it because you know whenever we do like a sequel you know to a movie that we've also already done an episode on I don't want to go back because like it's always the danger of repeating the jokes or whatever but I wonder if I or any of us wonder on that previous episode like

there's no way part two's worse than this right well we would have been wrong this is fucking garbage this movie. It's tough. It's tough. The first one at least it's got the New Jersey. I don't even believe it was filmed in New Jersey. Maybe it was. I don't remember who cares. But it's got that flare. You know what I mean? Like small town. This is where I grew up. This is my mall. L.O.L. And the mall itself is sort of a character. This is a big fucking jackoff for Steve Wynn and

Wynn Resorts. Yeah. And that guy is terrifying at the end of the movie. Oh my God. It comes out like this terrifying little puppet. I thought it was like one of those I guess puppet master movies I was trying to think of a better title I'd never seen a picture of Steve when he looks like he should racistly be owning a basketball team

he looks like he passed away and then was stuffed with hay by a jilted lover this guy is terrifying wow it's it's like you know and you know it was a thing it was just like Trump in the Plaza Hotel with Home Alone too like do you want to film on my property then Mr. Wynne and his wife

get a cameo in it. Exactly. And it's like, oh, Mr. Wyn, you're leaking embalming fluid from your ears. Could you just, we're just going to get that for you. Oh, I'll get that for you, baby. He looks like if Wayne Newton was cosplaying his leather face. Yes, absolutely.

Like you leave the Vegas strip if you could ever get out of that. It's a mall city. It's a very mall-esque place. Now, if you ever get out of there and you get into the foothills, you might encounter a sort of Newton-esque leather face. Yes, dude. I mean, he looks like one of those boozy background actors

from Bloody Nose Empty Pockets, speaking of Las Vegas. Like, just, just pickled himself with alcohol and tobacco and tanning beds. Oh, the tanning beds are huge. It took me, it was my last day at Vegas. I went there this year for my brother's bachelor party. It was a fun time. You know, I gambled enough.

I kind of broke even, did okay. I believe in Vegas, with a decent taste in my mouth and then there's a taxi line outside of my hotel and I was like ah but I want to take an Uber to the airport and I was like how do I get it in Uber and the guys like

and he guys like oh you go a left over here and you take a right at this thing beginning a 25 minute odyssey of me trying to find anywhere I went into three different mall areas like yeah it is impossible to walk in that city it is

hard to get out of those like those casinos structures they build like walkways there's like no sidewalk it's like casino owned walkways to other casinos exactly there's no way out now you can't leave exactly it's terrifying sounds like you could have used a segue

oh yes yes oh man uh I'll be going to Vegas for the first time in October and um I won't be using a segue at any point I cannot believe that the segue made a return to this movie I guess I could but like

In 2015, we're doing Segway shit. It's the bedrock of this movie. It's like, you know, it's like Robocop. You can't get rid of the Robo. That's true. Giro performance comedy is like the foundation of Paul Blart Mallcop to. Oh, God, I hate this movie. And by the way, the director of photography, Dean Semler, great filmography.

And he's stuck doing this. Road Warrior dances with Wolves Apocalypto, my favorite last action hero, and this movie's ugly, it looks like a bad TV show. Yeah, it truly does. Kind of surprised we haven't gotten to Paul Blart TV show. I think when Kevin James, well, because he returns to television frequently. Yeah. But I feel like, look, Kev, take one of your most beloved cinematic creation. Is it beloved?

It took them six years to make this thing. He had to take a pay cut to make this movie. They're talking about a sequel I'm sure Of course Well because I think he's back on hard times Nobody gave a fuck about that Becky or whatever that

What was that movie where he's like a serial killer Some shit? I think it is Becky And I don't know what goes on Does he kill Becky? No I think I think he's trying to kill Becky And then like this He's like a white supremacist or something

Really? If Chris were here he's got all the fucking free time In the world Watch this shit He watches all that stuff Man that sounds him as a where's that he usually eats these goddamn things uh that sounds actually funny you know him as a white supremacist uh teenagers weekend at a lakehouse where their father takes

a turn for the worst but a group of convicts wreak havoc on their lives i'm assuming oh he's got a big swastika on the back of his head does he really he does indeed wow and joe mccale's in this is he put in the baddies that's i don't know he's used to be maybe the nice dad that Oh, nice, dad. Because we are still just desperately trying to figure out what to do with Joel McHale. Don't worry about it. I think pencils down, honestly. Right.

We've had enough time. We never figured it out. It's okay. He's too hunky. That's the problem. I think he's on that animal control TV show that's like still a sitcom. Is that still on the air? I show.

Yeah, no, I think it just got renewed for like a third season or so. Well, good for Joel McHale. Sure. Wait, Eric, were you, you were, you were. saying that they are considering a third Paul Blart movie. They're always thinking of that. A Paul Flart

with like the three replacing the B that's what they have to do, right? Yes, you'd have to. I love that idea. I'm guessing that Kevin James character Dominic in that Becky movie might just eat shit at the end of it because there is a

because that movie was 2020 and it got swallowed up by the Pandy which is why nobody knows about it. But in 2023, they made a the wrath of Becky where Lou Lou Wilson as Becky returned but neither hide nor hair

of Kevin James we do have Sean William Scott in a role though you got that going here's a question that I always wonder about these happy Madison productions do you think it's like

in waiting for Guffman when they think Guffman is going to come to the production and, like, you know, give it a review. That, like, you're waiting for the Sandler, like, is he going to do a cameo for this one? Is that, is Adam, is that a busy in June?

We're thinking about, we could definitely do August, too. When could we get Adam in Vegas for a quick, fun cameo? It's a lot of that, dude, and then when that inevitably falls through, like it did with this movie, I feel like what happens is, remember that Simpsons where they all joined the cult? And it's like, oh, the leader's coming. and the limo rolls up or the Rolls Royce rolls up and it's just a hand that waves out the window

there's like some dude probably one of Sandler's other lackeys that just sticks his like Alan Calder's just waving out the window but you can't see his face and they're like there's Adam he visited set because I mean like happy Madison you do your Swartson movies and he's always like will Adam will Adam be in my movie

we have a bunch of fun wigs he can wear you won't even know it's him it's okay They did get, they got, they got Sandler for this movie, Steve. Blinking, you miss it. It's his wife. Oh, that's what it is. Jackie Sandler as attractive lady at the bar. And now, you'll recall, someone before, yeah. Jackie also in the first movie in that Victoria's Secret scene.

I forgot. Yeah. So like, I mean, obviously, I don't think like the Sandman's a guy that's like, I got to go everywhere that Jackie goes. But I also feel like the Sandman, big sports fan. Generally, that leads to gambling. Sure. I feel like the Sandman was just, like, hit the casino floor.

It's like, yeah, Jack, you can go film the scene for Fat Guys movie. I mean, it's actually almost extra insulting that he's not in this movie. That his wife is there. Yeah, he probably didn't just want to get out of bed for it. They didn't want to take his big shorts off. Also, what? You could fit a lot of gambling money in those shorts. Speaking of, like, cameos, we're in Vegas.

Where's all the, yes, we get leathery Steve Wynne at the end, but like, where's all the, snake-eyed Steve Wynn at the end? Where's all the Vegas cameos, right? Isn't that like, when you make a Vegas movie, you got to have like, you know, Sigfried and Roy pop up or something like that? I mean, come on. Were they dead by now? Ooh, 2015.

I don't know. Yeah, I think what, at least one of them was it, but. Were the tigers still around? I wanted to see Paul Blark get his nuts chomped on by a white tiger. You know, oddly, the weird thing was the tiger's solo show way better than the work they did in Siegfried and Roy. Just put that out there. It looks like they died in 2021 and 2020.

Yes, they died like kind of right there. So they were around. They were available. No, but I think like the tiger, the tiger attack, yes, had already happened to Roy by that point. Get a magician in there, you know. Yeah, where the fuck is carrot top? Oh. Get me David fucking Copperfield.

And when I went to Vegas, it was amazing. There was like a 40 foot fucking poster of like David fucking Copperfield is here. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Despite the allegation. Yeah, at least I don't remember. Was it like a, Steve, was it like a weathered, weathered torn poster that had been up there since like 1994? You know, the one thing my parents did for me when I was a child, I saw David Copperfield in person.

Whoa. I got to see the whole like Saw show or whatever it was Oh that's cool I remember the TV special where he made the Statue of Liberty disappeared that was nice Oh we were glued to the set

Yeah I was a David Copperfield kid I would watch those specials I like yeah You can't cancel David Copperfield He's he's got the power of misdirection As soon as you try and pin him down Puff of smoke Ed he's a character

out of a literature You know what I mean From hundreds of years ago he's always been here exactly there's a painting somewhere getting older one thing i want to mention about the opening credits to this movie because i think i was getting a similar like a little bit of deja vu so this might also be in the first movie this like in the line of fire-esque score at the beginning where we're just doing the title card god damn awful that's i mean holdover from the first one right didn't they have like police academy

type nonsense at the beginning with the big shield flying in. I think you're right. Something like that. And then this very self-serious French horn orchestration or whatever. And then cut to the saddest nine minutes of a movie that I've seen.

I don't even know like, no, Steve. The funniest nine minutes of the movie I've ever seen. I'm going to pay this movie a compliment. I love the divorce blubbering. I love the mom being hit by a milk truck. It's Just like, you know, I think we were talking about this maybe off the air, but like the Sandman sometimes works pathos into his movies.

You're able to like feel for those Sandler characters in one way or another. I mean like the sweetness of like taking care of grandma from Happy Gilmore or like his all around, you know, like his all around, you know, the way that he interacts with the kid in Big Daddy's kind of like a lovingish whatever. But like it's one earned and also like built around. comedy at all times. This is just like this sad sack like oh my fucking wife from the first movie divorced me six days into it and then my my mom who is kind of like his caretaker in that first movie. Let's be real about it is like totally just face first killed by a milk truck that runs her over. So fucking good seeing her be hip. You see this woman get hit by a by a truck. I mean like it seems like if you get there was a scheduled conflict for the

for the wife, I forget her name is, she's just fantastic actress from Glee, I'm sure. But like, you get her for, you can get her for a day. And it's just like, babe, I'm going to the big conference in L.A., oh, sweetie, have a good time. And then it's not so desperately sad. Like, it's just, it's

Solons-esque this sad. I think they're trying to recreate the first movie where it's like so sad and so stupid. Don't worry. He's still a fat loser. Because that's what I want to see. I'm buying it. Yeah. One for Fat Loser 2, please.

Oh, listen, I know it's your first day selling tickets at the movie box office. I'm your training manager here. A lot of times when people come in to buy tickets for movies, they forget what the actual title is. And you have to be on your toes and translate what they're saying. So I'll give you a heads up rateers. This is your first day work in the box office.

They're going to come in, and they're going to want to say, one, please, for Fat Loser 2. That is Paul Blart Mall Cup. So just write that down on your, your pad here so no confusion here. Fat Loser 2 is just the Paul Blart sequel. Let's get that going. Paul Blart 2 equals Fat Loser 2. Okay, got it. I'm ready to go. It made $107 million at the boxing. Fat loser 2. Fat loser 2. Yep. Fat loser 2. Fat loser 2. Fat loser 2. Fat loser 2. Fat Luz-A-Maze is the woman who played Amy in the first movie

The only thing you see of her here in this second one is just a clip from the end of the first movie Rainie Rodriguez who plays Maya the daughter is the same actress who played her in the first movie I got to say kind of surprised we didn't get somebody you know like Kear O'Donnell from that first movie to come back or where was Peter Garrity the fucking police chief, Bobby Conavale, like, where's any of those people to, like, follow him to Vegas also? Doing something better. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, yes. It's just so, oh, you go to this sadness, Steve, like, I feel like they were trying to go for, I mean, I guess in a lot of Happy Madison stuff, it's like they want that nihilism of Billy Madison, you know, but it's like,

it's such a fine line for it to actually work. And I mean, I think the Sandman is that, he's that pivot point you need like need him to pull that off effectively and it's just like I mean it is funny that you know they do the milk truck gag but it's also like how many times have we seen

you know the out of frame thing you know come through and kill someone yeah no totally but it's also like that's just a really fucking brutal like my mother was run down in the street is everybody laughing like it's such a weird thing

and I mean like you could get your little daddy's little girls going to college stuff again if she if if the if the grandmother is there or maybe she just dies of natural causes or edore the wife is there you can still get your fucking paternalistic horse shit in this movie without a problem it might actually add it give a little more heart to what you were speaking about Sandler's movies where you actually give a fuck about these characters instead they're they're just it's like a sad weird joke with this movie yes because he's fat and I mean like We want to always pretend it's not because he's fat, but it is because he's fat. Yes, definitely. Oh, he's hyperglymic. That's why we're laughing. It's like,

he's fat. One of the biggest jokes in the movie is the idea that an attractive woman would think he's, you know, attractive. I mean, that's, that's the joke is this gorgeous woman in this movie is like stumbling over

herself, like can't put two fucking words together, talking to him, you know? If I was blart, that happened to me with this, incredibly attractive woman. I'd be like, yeah, it's a hairpiece.

Like, I know that's what you're looking at, right? Yeah, it is. No, what? What? Let's move. That's what you're looking at. That's why you're stumbling and looking at me and trying not to look at my eyes because you're trying not to look at my fucking hairpiece.

And yeah, it's a hairpiece. It gives me confidence. What? This thing is terrible in this movie, by the way. It's really bad, dude. We were talking off the air, I think, about, like, when he, I mean, we'll get to it when we get to in the movie, but he is knocked into a swimming pool.

for various comedy reasons at one point and gets out to be like oh I survived not drowning in this pool and he's like shaking all over the place and shit and they had to be like dude you can wave your arms you can pound your chest like a gorilla whatever you want to do do not and we mean do not shake your head this thing's going to go right off into the pool but I have to I you know the one thing I have to give this movie is that like we get all this up for in like the first five minutes it's like I'm still fat loser. Don't worry about it. My wife left me. My mother was murdered by the milk truck. And then we get the daughter got into UCLA at the same time he gets invited to a security professionals convention in Vegas. And boom,

we are in Las Vegas. I have to give it to this movie. It's 94 minutes. We get right to Las Vegas. And you know, I can't help but think about we just did Beverly Hills Cop 3, which also had a security award scene. Ellis the Wall. Yes.

No, but we're not just going to Vegas, man. It's the best day of my lap, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, bob in ass, babies, pop an ass. That's the whole song. It was everywhere. You can escape this song. Children listening, when you weren't even born in 2015, but that song was everywhere. My la, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, dead.

I mean, like, it's a song for babies to bop their ass to. That's the whole fucking thing. That's all, it's just, you know, look, that guy, I wonder, like, when you wrote the song, like, was it, like, a bad addiction? Was it going to be about, like, like, no, it's just something for four-year-olds to bop around to a fucking theme parks. This is a band you never even heard of before. I'm looking at the IMDB Tribune soundtrack listing performed by, Best Day of My Life, performed by American Authors. No, I would have thought Imagine Dragons. Do you, does anyone know American authors?

I do not. No, this was the song. but I'll tell you who's really familiar with them because Steve you're talking about babies bopping asses little kids bops shit which is fine dude but you are glossing over the primary function of that song which was to appear

at every fucking white person's wedding from whatever the year it came out to let's say 10 years after that this was a song like you could not escape at weddings or like videos of weddings or like television shows or movies that featured a wedding in them. That song was a play.

Yes, guys, I'm on my phone. I googled American Authors Band. People also ask, what happened to the band American authors? Are American authors still together? What does Google have to say about that? Let's see here. Are they still together? Speaking of music news,

RIP Shifty Shell Shock. Yeah. Saw that news. Come, my baby, come, come my baby. Yeah, sad day for music history all around. Original member, James Adam Shelley, who played guitar and banjo, has left the band American authors, but they'll continue as a trio. Oh, wow.

Who's doing the banjo then if it's not him? I mean, it's not the same song. It's not the same feel, same vibe. I guess that's why the fan base withered away. But now the good news is, you don't have to just have an MP3 of that song. They will play your wedding. Yeah, they're also opening for Rafi later as well. It's the best day of my opals and bonono.

Absolutely. So, yeah, we get to Vegas. He's wearing this asshole aquarium button-down shirt. Looks like a real fucking moron. Well, this is the thing. Asshole is the word. Because, like, all right, he's so sad. His life is falling apart.

And all he has his beautiful dyrner who is going to try, heaven the fuck forbid, try and go to college and live. Yeah, not if he has anything to say about. it later in the movie that's for sure that's my servant this is Paul Blart it just goes up to a fucking hotel like we all have and they're like oh I'm sorry sir your room isn't ready

and he turns into a complete dickhead over the most common fucking issue to happen when you go to a hotel it happens to us every time we go on tour absolutely and you know what you do you go oh that stinks please hold my bag I'll be at the bar when you need

exactly to that to that point this poor guy behind the desk is like the restaurant's open and he still has to make a big farting stink over me. Because it's this, he suffers from this delusion of people respect

mall security guards. And like this is a security convention where he, I guess is under the impression thanks to this other security guard lady that he meets in line like that he's to give this keynote address so like he thinks he's king shit. And it's like, dude,

look at your profession once again. No one respects you three minutes ago in this movie. A little boy was slapping you in the face. Yes. Yes, that we were introduced basically. Wait, wait, that's before he goes to Vegas, right? Yeah, he finds a lost kid at the mall. It's the one mall cop seed in the film.

Right. Right. And the mother is like, hug this disgusting man that found you. And the baby doesn't want to do it to the point where his baby has to defend itself by slapping him. I thought now this was going to be a thing where the mother was insisting on the hug and like it would happen and then she was going to be like

oh great this will definitely go viral on my TikTok or Instagram or whatever it was going on in 2015 I thought it was like she wanted the kid to hug him like for a bit I think this was the Vine era remember the Vine stars they're still with us oh my God they're still with us somewhere

no Vine's not still around no but those people right like isn't like Logan Paul and some of these other people originated. Is that where they started? Prune them away. Who needs him? There is a vine that I've been looking for

for years. If anyone has it, please get me on Twitter or something like that. Or X. It's a piece of toast. You just see a toaster. And the toast pops out of the toaster and lands on a plate. And the guy filming goes, oh my God.

Like he's been trying. Like he's been trying, I guess. Yes, exactly. one time this does it's gonna pop out and it's gonna land perfectly on the plate and it doesn't oh my god I fucking love it so much

are you sure that wasn't Paul Blart's fucking it sounds like a day in the Blart kitchen oh no they put some sugar on that bread by the way better subtitle a day in the Blart Kitchen that's a better movie than fucking go to Vegas I watch that you know what we always

mock when movies like you know you change professions for the next movie or whatever but I would take Paul Blart Kitchen Guy I'm in sure like maybe he's working security at like a oh let's call it a public access television station

and then like much like that one scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when Robin Williams is like playing with the shit on set like the old timer there sees him like Kevin James is like jerking off not jerking off he's like jerking around in like a test kitchen and some guys like

Chimel. It's bad. It's, oh, gunk, ook. Anyway, maybe it's like Grimlins, too, where it's like the Grimlins in the pot because he's so hungry. Maybe he's already like, he's in the food somehow.

How do we have two of these movies and Paul Blart doesn't pop out of a cake in either of them? Thank you. I love the idea. Eating it as he goes. It's, yeah, it's Paul Blart. He's just jerking off at work. And then all of a sudden, Robert

Prossky just shows up and he's like, you know, I got a television station. You could do that. I got, you're going to be a big star. Why don't you stop beating that meat? You can beat these eggs, kid. Come on. Paul Blart test kitchen. No, I want to, it's pornography.

I want to want you jerk off on camera. Yeah, I'll pay for it. He's in Vegas. It's a seedy locale. Maybe some, you know, some photographer would be like, I like the way you look, baby. Yeah, fuck this, like, sanitized, you know, Vegas in this movie.

where are the hookers, like, you know, get some of that in here. Like, Paul Blart accidentally runs into some working ladies there and he doesn't understand the score because he's a moron. Like, that would be funny. I thought that that was. He was way hornier in the first one, right? He was. Yeah.

There was that whole, didn't there was like a whole thing like the porn on his computer or something like that? And like, oh, yes, there were videos of some kind that he's trying to hide from his mother or daughter. I'll Google Paul Blart's porn. I think you will immediately lose your internet connection. Pornhub has a... No, this is not that at all.

Oh, goodness. Make sure you bring those whites to set. So, yeah, he's being a real asshole trying to check in. This guy at the desk does kind of get him a little bit here because he's like, oh, one of the... And I don't know about this, but one of the special requests for your room was an like an endless bowl of peanut Eminemps.

Yeah, it's bottomless, which he says it's medicinal. Medicinal. Yeah. Because of his, yeah. That's what the M stands for is medicine. It's medicine and medicine. It's like, how many ways can we humiliate this man due to his weight? Yes, it's too much.

It's too much. You also think, so yeah, this woman, the actress, I forget her name, is like this from Mall of America. She's like, oh, man, I remember six years ago, that big thing you did. You have to be the keynote speaker. You as Paul Blart at this function, I have to be like, oh, no, I'm not. They didn't ask me. You know what to be?

They're not going to tell you. They don't tell you the day of. They want you to write a speech. Get it ready. You know what I mean? No, exactly. I think this woman is Lonnie Love. That's her, yeah.

I think she might do stand-up. She was in Soulplane and some other shit. Honestly, she's one of the better parts. She's funny. She's actually funny. But yes, exactly. Like, you are the keynote speaker when they ask you. It's not like an Academy Award that you show up

And then they fucking do it night of Yeah, exactly So yeah Another thing we have here is the daughter is The dirter Dirder Excuse me My daughter

My daughter Is flirting with the waiter here This guy Lane And you know It's There's not as much of the protective dad stuff as I thought there was going to be in this movie.

I mean, it's there. Don't worry about it. Oh, yeah. But, like, dude, again, just, like, from one humiliation over his weight to the next, this is a joke about, like, oh, I have this vibrating fork that tells me if I'm eating too fast and I get, like, shocked or something. If I try to put food in my mouth, like, in sequential order, if I do the, like, fork from the plate to my mouth motion, it knows it and vibrates.

Like, that's humiliated. I never heard of the vibrating. fork and I don't think it's a real oh no here it is it's it real you got it well it's an electric spitting fork for spaghetti so no oh make make sure you bring that

vibrating fork to set I want you to finger yourself with the vibrating fork look at the camera while you do it you got a real talent kid I like the vibrating fork we could use that you can't teach that

no no here's a tip for your kid put the pointy end I got three words for you, kid. Las Vegas Residency. The fork comes back later, so thank God it's set up. Yeah, oh yeah. I'm so thankful they set it up. This is where he humiliates himself once again

when this hotel worker by the name of Davina Martinez, played by Daniela Alonso shows up, and she's like apologizing that the room wasn't ready or something. And he's doing this like, ma'am, I know. you're flirting with me but I don't care kind of this bit drove me fucking crazy this lady's like somehow falls under his spell and he just like poopoos it and it's not even like you know I guess if it was one thing where it was like oh I'm still hung up on Amy or whatever her name was from the first movie I don't know of that I'm like ready to move on

but it's just this weird like I'm gonna put this woman down and gaslighter through the whole movie right because there's something about this like this fat guy revenge we're going to hire a model and we're going to treat her like shit like yeah you want to fuck me and that's the movie oh man fat guy revenge is a great movie that i'd love to watch maybe that's maybe that's big maybe that's kevin james's oscar it's a big fat guy revenge movie that's most of them i think well you know it's him making you know he's uh anyone who's ever made fun of in high school right that he's going after the airlines for the seats. But you say go after. Does that mean like kill

spree? Oh yeah. Killspray. Absolutely. He goes to a fucking Ponderosa Steakhouse and complains that the fried chicken wasn't all you could eat because they threw them out maybe. Right. And shit, get revenge there. He goes specifically to a doctor with a cold and he's like

all right, if you mentioned it's my weight, even once I would have to shoot him with the fucking head. Right. Instead of John Wick, it's John Fork. John Ford. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm having seconds. You know what's unfortunate? Just because I think he's a really fun actor.

Neil McDonald should have a better career. He's the villain here. It's sad. Poor guy. His career has been circling with Toilet for a really long time. It's crazy because he's good. I like him and stuff. I like that justified role.

And now he's in this. Great Band of Brothers. Agreed. Raccoon. city what the hell is that that's another resident evil thing exactly thank you he's game to work and he knows he's like a planet fitness kind of a thing like yeah other people can you know uh other other gyms can charge 140 bucks a month you can come but if i get 50 people to do you know five bucks a month then that works out to be more money so it's like it's the same thing for neil mcdonna

choosing roles it's like yeah you know i what if i do 20 movies a year but i'm cheap and that'll allow people to hire me which obviously works i mean it does but like i just wish there was a little bit more picky choosy going on yeah he's doing like fucking those garbage i don't know if they're angel studios movies but remember there was that movie that came out a few months ago where it was like he was secretly like the devil or oh yes yes demon in some movie and it's just like i don't know man you are better spent in better things and like if he likes working fine like you know nothing against him for that I just wish he would show

like he was in Minority Report sure he was great in that first Captain America movie he's just running towards that Eric Roberts career at full clip right right right right he's a left behind Rise of the Antichrist that sounds like a great one

here's the one I was thinking of the shift the shift yes after meeting a mysterious stranger the devil a man must escape a dystopian world to return to his wife thanks to the devil you know what like it's that kind of shit yeah he's playing the benefactor

like god damn it's tough it's tough it's uh i never saw he's m bison in that second street fighter movie oh legend chunley oh legend of chunley yes wow yes is that the one's chris klein it is that is we got to do that that's been on the schedule then removed a few times not for any but it just it's been a circler. People have no idea what we, the schedule, it's a balancing act. There's tons of stuff that cycle in and out and we got to get to them. I got

to see James McDonough do the psycho crusher move. Oh, definitely. All you street fighter heads out there. I would love to, does it Raoul Julie, I do believe does the psycho crusher. I think he does. You're right. It's been a while since I've seen that.

Or my best approximation to it. It is my final film. Yes, of course I will do. The Psycho Crusher. The Psycho Crusher. I got to see that again. His final film, but to him it was Tuesday. Yes. Oh, excellent. Um, yeah, so McDonough, you know, he's basically doing like a bad guy, Ocean's 11 kind of deal. Like, he's going to rob this casino of by swapping out all these pieces of art that are in here, which I guess we're to believe at the end of the movie, this is like Steve Wins' personal collection of art

that's just sitting in this hotel and they're stealing it because he's got like dudes on the inside of the security team here, et cetera. They do such a paint by numbers version of setting this up where it's like, I think you had to wait until later in the movie for the daughter to actually say,

I think they're stealing art. You knew what the hell they were doing. You're just accepting like, oh, here's the villain with those icy baby blue eyes. ready to steal stuff although i guess he's extra evil because he's got the it's got the heterochromia thing going on yeah the david billy thing yes right yes although it is to that point though ben like we learn what's going on way before kevin james and like the moment when paul blart realizes what the plan is it's just way too far after the it's like 50 minutes yes after the audience

knows what's going on and he's like oh my god they're taking the art and i was like dude catch up to your own movie this is he is too busy trying to get his his daughter his daughter who's about you know 17 18 going to college trying to make her wear a baby monitor to leave the hotel room that's what he's concerned with and she's wearing the most chaste bathing suit that i've seen yes in in the last 20 years it's like fucking something that olive oil would wear at a pop-by cartoon It is 1920s for sure. And he's like, would you get that from Victoria's Secret New Slut? You better get changed.

And all the dads in the audience are slapping their knees, I guess. Dude, it is a, it is a blart-esque bit of comic gold because he's like, oh, geez, Maya, thanks for showing me Victoria's secret. And it's like, okay, asshole, this is the second of these movies. And this is the second instance of Victoria's Secret. secret mentioned in one way or another. Sure. Just like the basest, like, what is something everyone knows, Victoria's Secret? Okay, let's make a Victoria's Secret joke 30 years after that made anyone laugh.

You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a late, it's a joke jack. Steve, did you notice who's one of the heavies here, one of the guys on the inside? You're talking about DB Woodside? I am, absolutely. Principal Wood from Buffy, dude. Season seven, a pretty awful season. That guy's career, not so great.

Yep. But you know what though? I think he's pretty good. And I wish he wound up like getting more chances. But yeah, that seventh season of Buffy's trash for one thing. Oh, I love him being Paul Blart. Because again, like the other part of this is like he's not just, you know, bad with the ladies and whatever else. Like he is just a giant baby man. Like he's at this craps table. He does know how to play craps. The waitress comes up and asks like if he wants a drink. He's like, Do you have root beer? That whole thing about, do you have root beer? Well, because you remember in the first movie, he doesn't drink. And then when he accidentally does, I guess he falls asleep and that's terrible. Well, yeah, because I think he goes to like the fud ruckers or whatever with his co-workers and he gets wasted doing the karaoke or whatever in the first movie. But like, I don't know. Why don't you be a 50-year-old man and just get a fucking seltzer water with lime?

Dude, this fucking, oh, a root beer. Oh, round a root beer for everybody at the table. Did you know the soda's free? here? Oh my God. And then of course when it comes, he chugs it. Paul Blart chugging that root beer is revolting. I was shocked that they had a mug for this root beer.

Well, because that's the thing with the fucking casino drinks, right? It's like, yeah, it's a free drink. But it's tiny and it's watered down. Well, you're not getting this massive mug. The Paul Blart, too, told me if I go to the Steve Wins Resort and it's not in a beautiful mug, I'm going to start

putting my finger in some chests. I'll start poking around Paul Blark, promise me this. So we meet Kevin James real life brother, Gary Valentine as a different role in this movie Saul Gundermutt, who's

the, I guess the head of the Security Guard Association or whatever for this conference. Yes, this is something else, huh? Where has this talent been hiding? I mean, it's not. I mean, he's just wearing a funny funny teeth and the whackadoo hair do it's too it's too much it's too much and poor uh an agostire who is legitimately hilarious and i think like she's doing her best with

what she's given this movie but she is just a tacked on to this dude i mean yeah she's not given a lot ben you're right but like every scene more or less is just her having to deal with gary valentine's performance i felt really bad for her i because she's great And she has nothing to do in this but be around Gary Valentine aka Gary James, aka Gary Kipfrieninger,

or whatever the real name is. Knipficking, yeah, right? Yeah, but it's hard to pin down. Shifty character. Yeah, many aliases. Many aliases. I think we should go on there. We've got to rest this guy and see what's happening.

Dude, and then the biggest waste of this movie, Nicholas Tuturo, as like hot shot security guard guy Nick Panera I guess is his name he's in the happy Madison Rolodex I think you know what I mean I think he's been in a couple of these I think I think you're totally right Hey is Adam gonna is Adam gonna cameo in this one

We don't know we hope so we're really we We'll know in a couple of weeks He said maybe in a couple weeks We might have to let down the sad brothers of celebrities Yeah I mean he's in at least just from his top four in IMDB he's in the longest yard with the Sandman

and he also three years before this movie was starring with Mr. James here and here comes the boom which is his like boxing movie or maybe it's Ultimate Fighting I think it's MMA is it? Oh right because like Kevin James really got into that like because of that

movie like he appears that matches and whatnot. Do you think that's a good film? I haven't seen it. Here comes the boom Yeah, that's actually before this movie, interesting. It is, yes. I doubt it. Here comes the boom. More like, there goes the audience.

Yes. Oh, ho. Pulled up the filmography, Joe Rogan and is himself. Of course. That audience is coming back. People love Joe Rogan. Oh, who can't get enough. This is the depths of Nicholas Totoro's involvement in the

happy Madison averse, though. He appears in 2011's Bucky Larson, Colin born to be a star. So you are in the Nick Swartson levels of these movies. Hey, Nick, yeah, of course I'll do the movies. Is Adam going to be in it? You think he's going to be a caveat or what? I don't know.

We're going to know in a couple of weeks. He said, he said we're a maybe. It's a hard maybe. He's got a dentist appointment that day, but if it finishes early, he will put on a wig and do it. Do you think Adam Sandler's seen any of these movies? No.

No. Nikki, I'm just looking for just a fake sandla hand-waving outside of a limo. That's all I want. Dude, they should hire a double, like across the street to wave at people. It's just like some dude yelling at like, da-daboodi-d-doo. Wow, that was him. Wow. Adam caveated our movie. It's going to be a hit.

A he-b-de-de-d-de-d-a-dee. Nick Titoro has the ignominy of being the third it's a Daniel Baldwin-esque life when you're like the third in a family of actors because obviously you've got Big John sitting atop with a fucking crown on his head Sure.

Titoro clan and you got to give number two to Ada The Sopranos alone. It's enough. Supranos alone, I'll say though he's not all happy Madison and nothing because he was Martinez on NYPD Blue for like most of that show. I think so like there's a little bit of prestige there but he yeah he was a number two then Ada ate his lunch by doing Sopranos and now's number three forever it's just yeah it's not

gonna happen well John and Iida weren't in excess baggage in 1997 so you know speaking of NYPD Blue uh I feel like Dennis France should be cast in a fat guy revenge John Fork oh definitely or maybe he could be Papa Blart you don't think I'm gonna get Get my fat guy revenge with a man in the White House? Oh, my God, I forgot about that. No, he's got to be the old, the old, the old guys. All these people are laughing at your weight, kid. You got to get into your face and kill them.

You got to kill. I got all these guns and stuff. Wow, they're distracted by your big belly. You can't be afraid to show some ass. Oh, definitely. You got to show some ass. You got to approach him ass first. Like a baboon.

Hey, Tootsie Roll, they ain't laughing witches. They's laughing atches. Gotta get your fat guy in revenge. Oh, God, I love this. I'm what a fat universe of movies. I dump the John Fork. Yeah, I think I'm hungry. what's he knighting him with like a hoagie

yeah it's a foot long from subway now we both take a bite and the ritual is complete you start at one end of the sandwich and I'll start at the other and we'll start munch until we lady in the tramp each other there's a whole league of fat assassins here's all these gold coins yeah they're chocolate try not to eat them though

yeah the uh the assassins only Conno Lodge off the throughway there They don't accept any half-eaten chocolate coins, all right? Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomch, smooch, burp. And it is complete. Oh, speaking of him being an asshole

because he hasn't done that in a few minutes in this movie, he goes outside and like, like, yeah, like Nick Totoro's kind of like giving him shit. There's a third guy in this, like, the legion of security dudes that are, I guess, kind of his friends, but they're outside the hotel and, uh-oh, what does he see pull up, but a dude on a segue, and he's got to just showboat to this guy. And it's just a thing where it's like, this guy is just asking for a driver's license like you would need if you rented

a car, if you rented a boat, if you're using this moving vehicle, this whatever people mover segue thing. Like, just show him the ID, dude. And he's like, oh, yeah, is this good enough ID for you? And he's like doing all these tricks and whatever, like a real showboat. real ass all stand back it's time it's time for the bedrock of this movie yes segue comedy segue comedy segue comedy and being hit by a car just like his mother before him i love that part i actually that this this him getting hit by a car made me laugh too actually yeah i actually i i had to write down on my notes when there were any legitimate laughs in this movie and unfortunately yeah him getting hit by the car in the parking lot is pretty funny do you think it was

like the Reaper was like, oh shit, man. I accidentally killed his mother. I meant to run him over with that milk truck. Oh, final destination. I would love that. Yeah. Oh, dude, then you got Tony Todd in this movie. That would be cool. Uh, so they get, we get a little bit of their hotel room here. It's cheap as fuck. This is just a bad blue screen in front of a set window right here for their big hotel suite. Eddie's like, all right, honey, like, we got the meet and greet. Now, here's your 18 year old daughter going off to college. She's, she's, in Vegas. Dude, don't be insulted when she doesn't

want to go to your security guard conference meet and with you. So, come on. Come on, Blart. And she's just like, oh, I think I'm going to take a bath and take a nap. Because honestly, even the promise of final

death would be better than going to this fucking mixer with you. Yes. Because they have the blowout about he finds, at some point her admission to a little later yes oh sorry right but this the blowout is because he notices her notices her talking to lane outside and he starts what actually part i thought was actually a little funny is when he pretends to be part of a conversation and he's just like putting

moving your hands a little bit pretending yes i thought that was kind of nice it's not bad i like when he's pretending to hold the train of the wedding dress like with the couple and then like it's right when she catches him and he's like oh yeah I'll see at the reception and he like turns there and he's like I don't think I'm going to go that was that blowout and then I guess I forget what happens next but he ends up at the convention floor

to see all these security guns of course because this is like the mixer I guess you get some cocktails and then you walk the floor looking at all the non-lethals as they're called in this movie and he sees we don't get a look at it but this is the tease of

the super shredder segue that he uses at the end of the big like juiced up thing that he's on like this guy's like oh I saw you doing a bunch of cool tricks on the segue out there so you're one of the pros I'll let you in look what we're going to debut later and it's a weird like fucking pulp fiction briefcase moment where this guy like peels back the curtain and all this blue light hits him in the face but you don't see what he's looking at he's like like awestruck by it you know it's And I think that there's like this, watching all this stuff, there's like a goop gun. There's a gun that shoots marbles.

I'm like, shoots marbles. What is it for Kevin fucking McAllister? Shoots Christmas ornaments at people. But there's also a gun that's this non-lethal beanbag firearm. And is there a clip with 50 of these beanbags in it? They're shooting these beanbags at these targets. They're not reloaded. this is also we haven't talked really about

Eduardo Verestuguay as as Eduardo who is actually sort of dating Divina who's like the real deal security guy on force yes and he's like showing up Paul Blart because he's he wants to and like he thinks he's a big fat idiot which I don't get go he noticed

he noticed Blart you know rejecting Divina yes and and they're they're an item but yeah we get the whole you're not a real cop

blart you know like everything this guy says is completely true and he's better at the beanbag gun he gets all the targets in this scene where he shows them up

yes which is annoying because later in the movie Blart when he gets the beanbag gun he's like fucking aces with him like we showed that he was bad at it so well yes

I noticed that too Steve and you know what I think it is dude what's that is that his full-on amazing mall cop powers don't kick in unless he is like symbiotically connected to a segue. Because when he's doing that later in the movie, he's riding the souped-up segue thing

and being awesome at his job. So it's like until he's in his mall security guard equivalent of like a mech suit, like he just sucks as. Gotta be in the mall whites. He's got to be on a segue. He needs to be. in close proximity to a mall.

Like, yeah, Vegas is a mall city. But that's just sustaining him. You know, to get to full blart power, he's got to be... Smell a food court, you know? Oh, yeah. He needs orange Julius flowing through those veins. Quick, I need to chug some orange Julius and smell some curly fries. Right.

A little cinnabon in the air. Oh, yeah. Snort that sinabund. I got to say, oh, I got to say I'm pretty shocked that, so like basically what happens is he goes back up to his room and Maya has gone out to have lunch with a lane, I believe it is, you know, down in the hotel or whatever, or just hang out with him by the pool, whatever it is. And he comes into this room and sees like she's left water in the tub and there's like candles still burning, which yeah, bad move there, girl, whatever. but like he thinks immediately that she's been kidnapped and I'm pretty surprised that this movie found themselves above making a taken reference of any kind.

I was stunned like what it's 2015 like of course it's right there just take it it's an it's an apple take it. Yes, this is your chocolate covered gold coin. Eat it. It's easy as hell. But instead we have this awkward scene with the actual police and it's just like oh the phone rings. It's like, oh yeah, that's my daughter. She's in the restaurant.

I do love this one security guard that just goes oh well we'll find your wife he's like I don't have a wife your girlfriend I don't have a girlfriend the dude just goes does anybody love you oh that was I had to write it down

L O L. But this is they all leave and he notices in her bathroom because she's looking at the bathtub the acceptance letter from UCLA and like again I know it's it's a comedy he's overplaying it, but like he's a real dick to this little girl. You know what I mean?

He starts parading her. It's like what happened to my little George Washington? He could never tell a lie. Listen, here's the thing real quick. Don't call your teenage daughter your little George Washington. That's incredibly weird. That's very bizarre. Can I ask you guys an honest question?

Of course, Ben. Does anyone want some smog on their earthquake flakes? Oh, boy. Oh my God Because she's like If I go to UCLA You can visit me in the winter

And he's like Do I want smog on my earthquake flakes? What the fuck is that line? What is that? What is that? I want to volley a question back to you, Ben And of course this is also for Eric and Steve as well But that line

Improv or written in the script What do we mean? That's hard to tell I think it is Well he wrote the movie So it's kind of it's six to one half dozen of the other so yes but he also co-wrote it with this nick beque person yes oh yes push nick mackay the cat from supreme of the teenage witch oh right which i believe we learned all this on the paul blart one

yes yes it was in seinfeld in the smelly car episode oh right he's elaine's boyfriend there um the red-haired guy yeah yes i'm gonna say it was in the script because i feel like the the most of his you kind of touched on it earlier with some of the more physical bits that feel like he's just kind of in the moment and rolling with things and to his credit he does some of that that that is you know uh chuckle inducing i guess but he's always been a good physical comedian i always stand by that but like this line i yeah i don't know it's it's one of several jokes that are just shoehorned in where it's just like oh we need to have a joke here Can't you think of something better?

I could think of something better even on. Oh, I've got it. Let's have him run into a window. We'll run into a glass. Right, right. I mean, it's the equivalent of just like, you know, putting like a hand to mouth, like, fart noise. Like, that's like, well, we don't got anything. Hmm.

How about? Very good, Ben. Ben is going method. that was his actual rectum making that noise. Is that work for you guys? That's better than the fucking movie. Hey, I was laughing. So he says decision overruled. Judge Blart is in session.

Oh, yeah. She gets up and runs away. She's upset. And he's got to- The table. Big fat chase scene. I'm chasing after my daughter at this restaurant. And it's great.

I mean, like also what doesn't come up, which is, it's funny because the end of the movie solves a problem. that is a question that's never asked is like, well, how are we going to pay for it? How are, you know, I just, I'm a fucking mall security guard. You know what I mean? How are we going to pay for you to fly this way and that way? Even with student loans, it's

insanely expensive to fly you across country at least twice a year, all that stuff. And then all of a sudden here comes big fucking Mr. Goblin win. Is like, here's a check for money, you win. Yes, yes, exactly. You win. It's very weird. And you also don't know what

she wants to do at school. I feel that that's kind of important, too, because his thing is like, she's like, I want to go to UCLA. It's a great school, blah, blah, blah. And he's, like, wanting her to go to some, like, Central Jersey technical college or whatever. Junior college as well. So I don't even know what that means. Is that like a community school or an associate's only, maybe, I guess? Yeah, like it's a two-year school.

Probably can't afford to put her to a four-year school, which is totally fine. You could transfer in for the last two years if you really wanted to. But explain that. Exactly. because the way it plays out is the movie just telling you, which I mean the movie also does. The movie backs two reasons here by the end of the film and it's annoying, right? Because until Steve Wynn has that check and he's like, you can go to college, look at this. And she's like, holy crap, that's a lot of money that you were awarded for saving the casino.

But before that, it's played as like he doesn't want her to go because he's lonely. And that's the thread through like the whole movie. So like, you don't need two reasons. Either they can't fucking afford it. and that's why he doesn't, or he's just the loser, and that's why he doesn't. But, like, if that's the case, then the end of the movie with the check,

it shouldn't matter because that was never a reason set up at the beginning of the first. Exactly. You have to do that. You have to make that thing happen or else it doesn't make any sense. And she comes in hot here with, again, some, like, overly dramatic, you know, scene writing.

Like, he's already fallen over six times in this movie. He's been hit by a car while riding a segue. A woman was run over by a milk truck. in this movie. It is beyond past the point where you can have this line that I think the actress actually hits where she's like look, I know you've lost a lot lately and you're scared but what you're doing right now

is so wrong and she's right but like the time for that kind of tone of speaking has passed in this film. For sure so then she storms upstairs he starts fucking around basically what happens is Nick Totoro is the keynote speaker

he is hitting on Jackie Sandler because she's so attractive, which is a good look woman, but like, you know, it's so sexy. Oh, my God. And he gets too drunk to do anything. Right. And she says that he smells like Pete Moss and Curry and I think I'm going to throw up. And it's this weird thing though. I don't even know what that means. There's a weird spate of you smell like jokes in this movie. Yeah. Like two or three other ones. I didn't Sandler or not say, didn't Kevin James comment on like how the security guy smelled? and like someone

Oh yeah he smells like tobacco and vanilla was what it was he's like enchanted by the smell yes Is this like a weird I feel like there were weird

sort of reaches for things Farrell-esque You know like Rich Mahogany Or like the The fight The whole hallway fight

In the casino is like That's just from Anchorman You're totally right That's just the Anchorman Camio fight But they totally whiff on it Like Yeah no they do

because this entire movie's a whiff. But I take umbrage with the insult. I really cannot stand using the smell of curry as an insult. That seems really weird. It's like, can we stop that? It's like it's lightly xenophobic. More than lightly.

Curry's delicious. It smells great. It tastes great. Can we fucking stop this? Like, this movie was made in 2015, not 2003. It wishes it was 2003. It certainly does because that's when all these fucking terrible jokes still flew.

The audience might still be there. All the dads in the audience, they're thinking it's 2000. Oh, finally. Someone's nailing on Curry again. Yes. Yes. But earlier in the, so also like, earlier in the movie, Nick Toto is an antagonist. He's like, eh, blot, I'm

the guy who's doing the keynote, you stupid joke. And then all of a sudden here he is drunkenly hitting on Adam Sandler's wife. She's like, could you please go away? And then here comes Kevin James and his fat ass And he's just like, actually you're kind of being a bitch Because he's being nice to you.

I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Dude, yeah, he tries to use security guard logic To fucking gaslight this woman. He's like, look, my friend here, I don't know if you knew this, but the security administration convention is in town. And my friend here is giving the keynote address And he saw a beautiful woman sitting alone at a bar

and wanted to make sure you were okay. Like, dude, fuck you. it's how pathetic he is that like this guy was just insulting you he's like well maybe if i help him get him laid maybe he'll like me yeah exactly it's so pathetic it's such a bizarre moment in this movie and then like it's all to get nick to tour to get too drunk and pass out yes he passes out and then of course you know she is swayed by the logic of blart maybe i overreacted of dude yes she apologizes and now he's drunk and passed out and now Blart's going to have to give the keynote

address and he's sweating bullets over this. He's hyperventilating. He needs a bag to breathe in and out of. He grabs a Panda Express bag. And here's more smell-based humor because it smells like orange chicken or something. And it's

more lightly xenophobic it's orange chicken, that food they eat. But, okay, a little bit of umbrage with this one, because one, Panda Express is 100% known for the orange chicken. That's literally the only thing you should ever get at a Panda Express. And also, I

would push back on this, Steve, only because it's not a, it's not like the ew you smell like curry. It's the mm, that's orange chicken. Oh, okay. He's hungry. Oh, of course. He's powered back up. Yes, exactly.

You know, you just had to smell it from the crowd, dude. That's right. Use the orange chicken to your advantage. There should be a health bar. a health bar above the screen that shows us exactly. Has he smelled enough food or has he eaten enough yet? But Davina stops by to give his uniform or whatever.

Yeah, his dress whites. Right. For this big thing. And this is where we get the, like, please. She's like, I have a boyfriend. I wasn't hitting on you. He's like, please, ma'am, I invented the fake boyfriend thing. And your lip is sweating.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's irresistible to women. and this is where you get sort of like confirmation on that because he closes this dressing room door in her face and she like touches her like upper lip and it's like oh my god i am horny for paul blart malcolm which is insane yeah i mean i mean sure maybe he knows what women want oh yeah maybe he's got i mean because this is like he could hear their thoughts is what you mean oh yeah she's under his spell like he can

Vince the Mrs. Sandler in the bar like that's true I don't know Paul Flart could have could have quite the plot. So he has to take a breather yeah he hops the orange chicken bag and he goes out into this courtyard where it's completely empty except for this dude just playing piano and then he sits on a bench and this is is this a leftover bit from Zookeeper like he fights this crane? Yeah, it must be. I'm sad to report this actually got me. Really? Did it?

This got me. Bird flight got you, huh? Maybe I needed to turn the AC on or something like that. Very hot day today. Yeah, you were suffering heat stroke while watching this movie. You're delirious. The cutting back and forth

between, I mean, there's something about animals, too, where I'm kind of a sucker for the know, any kind of animal-based humor, but the bird pecking at him and then the guy playing the piano just going back and forth, I don't know. I like that the guy playing the piano

doesn't give a shit. He always does this polite little head nod. The little nod. Yeah, it was the nod. The same nod. That guy's a good guy. It's a good guy. It's a good guy. It's a good gag. It's it's reason. This is the best bit in the movie because it's written that way. You know what I mean? Like

there's the, you got the music going. You know what I mean? You've got the it's a pretty good looking bird puppet i love i love a puppet you know what i mean yeah i wanted this movie to take it one step farther though because yeah it's very clearly like a puppet at times he needs to taste this thing and accidentally kill it yeah there's just like some smoke and then like you know because all of this movie is just fat jokes a fellow fat guy could come out and be like i smell hot wings you're like whatever it was and then steve win at the end could like oh wait let me write a different check minus one exotic bird

Paul Vegas is crumbling You gotta eat that bird pal It's gonna give me the energy you need To take out these terrorists Oh, that'd be great And then he'll just say like orange chicken or something And sort of woofing it down Oh maybe he's like Mega Man dude

And you can select which food power he has Level to level So let's put orange chicken Paul Blard into action right now He's going around Orange chickening people Whatever that would look like I would love that meanwhile Maya the daughter you know this little budding relationship she has with this lane character

I kept waiting for this kid to be crooked but he's on the straight and level though the whole movie which is I mean it seems like I don't know do something with this guy he's so underdeveloped like I have no idea why he wants to talk to Meyer what's going on like you don't know anything about this guy no and that's why there's a moment in the movie where Neil McDonough says to somebody bring me our man on the inside. And so like right a few minutes after that happens because like it's totally

irrelevant. We don't need to talk about it every time the movie cuts back to it. But like until Paul Blart starts battling this dude, these dudes, all you see of them is them very meticulously carrying out their plan of like scanning devices and swapping out these art pieces and whatever

but they're all preparing to get their steel on. Yeah. But to your point, if Lane turned out to be the guy on the inside. You could do a funny joke. Like, well, sorry, Maya. I mean, I got into UCLA. It's very expensive. Yes. Got to pay for it somehow.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, because when, like, that scene happens. And it ends with McDone of being like, get me our man on the inside. And then, like, a few minutes later, this kid texts her and is like, come to this party and has a picture of room 1515. So she goes up there. And, like, there is a raging party going on. And he's like, oh, yeah, the cleaning staff lets me know when the high rollers

check out early yada yada yada and then she finds out like she goes into a connected room and it's like oh this other presidential suite and that's where mcdona and crew have their little headquarters and she gets spotted and then the kid runs into her and i thought it was going to be like a gee mya i wasn't going to tell you this till the end of the movie or so you know whatever like that that turn that happens in these kinds of shows sure but no it never ever happens it just he's a nice guy okay yeah he's just a nice nice kid that's fine me While, underwritten. I'd call him underwritten.

Sure. About as underwritten as you can get. Non-written. He just sits around as like, I like you, Maya, smile. I mean, the only thing that you find it is he got the GED, that's which is interesting. You know, it's something. I mean, thank God he's got dialogue because otherwise he'd be an extra. He would just be an extra in this movie.

Oh, this is the big, of course, we've got to talk about the keynote scene. Oh, yes. So he finally gives this speech. And wouldn't you know it, Paul Blart, great improviser, because this ain't written speech this is a terrible speech though right i mean i am uh honored to be here why do we do it we're easy targets people calls fat skinny lumpy they point out our bad skin we live as we dream alone what the fuck well look maybe it's i mean look maybe it's bad speech to you dude but the point i was making was this room winds up hanging on his every fucking word and he brings the house down

Right? Because Blart, when people ask me, why do you do it? I don't have a choice. Security chose me. Every morning I put my pants one leg at a time. This is like filler dialogue here. And I hear the same calling you do help someone today. Sounds easy, doesn't it? If it was, then anyone could do it. It takes a certain breed, spidey senses. You ask yourself, why do I do it? Jesus Christ. I asked myself that multiple times during this. Yes. But then Ben, till that little boy with tears in his eyes, tugging on your sleeve, says to you,

Mr. Mr. I can't find mommy. That's why you do it. If you believe the purpose of life is only serve yourself, you have no purpose.

Help someone today. I don't know, Eric, he thought it was a bad speech, but you felt the need to read the whole thing on the air. So I think you kind of like it, dude.

Yeah, I did kind of like, well, I just wanted you to be my Saul Gunderman or whatever the fuck and say, Jackpot, you nailed it. And of course, like, right when he does the, like, help someone today, like the end of his big speech, bad boys starts playing, right? You've got to get that in this. Meanwhile, he's turning his phone off during this because Maya's been calling and he's pissed off that she wasn't there. He's staring daggers at that seat. Yep, absolutely.

I do like the bit, though, of Devina is standing in the back of the room, of course being affected by it because she's like totally horny for him and whatever. But Eduardo comes in and he's like, what are you doing? And she's like, she's watching the speech is happening. And this dude is just like, why are all these pig people cheering at this? This dude is the most grounded character in the movie. He's like, this is garbage. And this guy's a buffoon.

Why is everybody cheering this? Uh, yeah, and Maya is, has been kidnapped. And so is the other kid, the other kid gives her a, uh, snow globe for some reason. He's like, yeah, I want to get a snow globe. That's what I got going on with me. What a, what a character this lane has turned out to be. And they, uh, basically she's, they're both kidnapped. Are we not sure?

Sorry, Steve. No, please. But I don't want to forget this because I think I nailed it. Uh-huh. I like this already swing up that pitch Are we not sure That this kid Lane

Is is somehow related to To Steve Wynn He's got to be in the room family Right? Oh And then he'd be like You marry him You marry him

Yeah totally We need all that sweet sweet Win money I think he is I think that's what's going on with this It makes nothing else makes sense This character No he is

He is a Wizard of Ways Waverly Place, Ben, unfortunately, the actor. So you're telling me there's occult powers at work here. Yes. That's the only reason this stupid character is in this movie. Yes, David Henry. I did not recognize him from Wizards of Waverly Plains. Oh, but you know what else he was, though?

What's that? If I'm looking at this right, yes indeedy. So I don't know. I watched more of this than I would have liked to. did any of you guys ever watch any of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother? No, I didn't All right. No, that's with Neil Patrick Harris Is that one? Yes, yeah. So the format

of that show was it's all technically told in a flashback where the dad as an adult, voiced by Bob Sagat, rest and peace is now, it's telling his kids a daughter and a son, the literal story of how I met your mother. Somehow it takes this motherfucker 10 seasons to complete the story, but that's the structure

of the show. And they always cut to these two, it's the daughter and the son sitting on a couch. You never see Saggett. It's only in voiceover. He's the boy just sitting dead-faced on the couch for 65 episodes of that show. Wow. Excellent.

So there you go. That's some nice residual checks there, Lane. Absolutely, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, and coincidentally, in 2023, he started in six episodes. It's IMDB says it's a TV series, but it's the IMDB. That could mean a web series of something literally called underdeveloped.

Was it about his character, Lane? Perfect. Oh, I love it. But yeah, so they're kidnapped. Great. Yeah, so Neil McDonough is like, stay here for a long time. I've got, it's not like, it's not even like, and then when your father could, your fat father shows up, I'm going to shoot you in the head.

or something. Nothing like that. He threatens Paul Blard over the phone right here because he grabs the cell phone from the dirt. Should you even like try to use them as hostage or whatever? Like once I get out of here with the paintings, I'll let them go something. Right.

Stop foiling this thing or I'll shoot your daughter in a pretty head or whatever. Did we even say Neil McDonnell's whole thing is he wants to steal all these paintings out of this Steve Wynn casino, which apparently has real Van Gogh's hanging up. which I don't know if this is real or not but yeah I did not go to this casino I did not see much art in Vegas

but while he is arguing with Neil McDonnell on the phone his blood sugar hilariously drops and he passes out mid-sentence and this gets us to well one of the more interesting parts of the movie I love this this is crazy must get sugar and he's drag He's dragging himself across the floor because he sees a little kid's ice cream cone is dripping.

The ice cream scene. And he catches it in his mouth and his face is getting covered and covered with what appears to be. I can't even say it. It's too dirty. It's pink ice cream is what it is. But it's, thank God it's not vanilla. Exactly. The way it's dripping on his face. We know what we're doing. It's a full on facial scene.

It's a full bucocchi in the middle of this movie. I gotta say, though, I want to put this out here because... I almost turned it off. I mean, I don't want to. I almost turn my shelf on. I'm on a real meat streak and turn it movies off, but this might have been number two. No, but listen, let me fucking wrap this around your noodles for a second.

Please. So one of you just mentioned, at least it wasn't vanilla. Here's what I'd like to put out there. It is a pink ice cream that we see here. But it's, like, hyper pink. I might even venture and say, like, artificially color corrected. I wonder if this movie was like, yeah, it's fucking vanilla ice cream. And he's just getting bucocchied and that's the joke.

I bet you're right. Like, Sony was like, absolutely not. Like, go, we'll fix it in post. That's going to be strawberry ice cream. You can't have come flying all over the security cards face. And it's also, it's like, it's weird the way it's performance. formed because he's not saying anything because he's trying to be quiet so the father that's on the cell phone holding the child doesn't see what he's doing so it's just

this like 10 second shot of Kevin James not saying anything and you just hear like the sounds of his mouth moving and the drips and the splats and sploops I don't know if you guys have seen the uh that clip online of the guy that like juggles apples and eats them at the same time Has anyone ever seen this? No, no. I mean, I've seen versions of that. I mean, I don't know if it's the same dude. I think that's like a common juggling.

It's a, I think it's a guy. Yeah, I mean, hey, we're in Vegas, baby. You turn the corner and there's, you know, all manner of fruit being juggled. But, like, this particular video, if you do watch it, I caution you have the volume either off or turn very low. because the audio is, it's haunting. Because all you hear is like, and it's like, and it's like,

that's anti-SMR is what that is. It absolutely is. And that's exactly what this scene was. It's totally, it's like the movie turned a vacuum, a void appeared, all sound goes away. And all you just hear

are these little dribbles and like jowls. And it's like, get this off of my TV, get this out of my head, what are we doing here? I mean... Can I tell you, I watched it twice? No! Because, here's why, because

the first time through, I started filming my TV way too late. Uh-huh. So I rewound it and I was like, I want to get this whole thing so I can like text bomb people with it. But so he wakes up, he's you know, he's got his fat guy, Popeye, Spinning.

and he goes to investigate his room and this is where I'm sorry I was laughing at this he punches this old lady cleaning lady in the stomach it's good it's a good one that's the end of her old maid like is it a kidney shot I couldn't I didn't catch the

no I think he gets her like right in the gut if he was Jason Voorhees who would come out the other side oh my god Jason should have went to Vegas honestly yeah if the lepracon could Jason should.

Exactly. You know, like blah, blah, blah. I mean, you could make that work somehow. He busts in on a magician show and actually saw someone in half. Oh, now we're talking. I think a lepraconic show also happens in the movie, Tarot, which I watched this weekend. No. Dude, I saw you watch that.

My hat flew off my head. I'm an asshole. That's why. Wait, so, okay. I mean, it's fine because everybody to each their own. But as I'm on to understand it, Steve, pool man was a turn off immediately. Yes, absolutely. But taro all the way through.

Yes, exactly. Unbelievable. It's awful. But I'm always on the search of the new bye-bye man. You know what I mean? I'm trying to chase. I'm trying to chase that high. That magic, huh?

Exactly. It looks like a straight up piece of shit. And dude, when I saw your letterbox thing, when you mentioned PG-13, I was like, no thanks. even worse. Yeah. It's even worse than you think it is. I just I can't get off. I can't get off Jason in Vegas. Yes. Him shirt and craps. That'd be right.

It'd be amazing. Maybe there's a show on ice and then someone's like, hey asshole, the fucking hockey team's playing tomorrow. Yes. Yes. Oh, excellent. Perfect. How do we get Jason to Vegas screenwriters? Right. Okay. Let's thank. It's usually water based. It's pretty

far from Vegas. He has to get caught up in something that's then also getting shipped to Vegas. Okay, here's all right, here's how maybe it could start, right? You start with the end of a Friday the 13th movie. So it's like whatever the final girl and

maybe final guy also team up and like knock Jason into whatever, right? Then that whatever is going to Vegas. Got it. Right. And he wakes up in Vegas. So it's a new attraction in Vegas. It's like a New Jersey

dock for some reason. Sure. We can workshop that part, but for now, yes, it's a New Jersey dock exhibit. Here's what they do. They expand that New York, New York Casino and they add a little New Jersey. Yes. Oh, well, yeah, we got the pizzas here for the boardwalk.

Oh, we should get some boardwalk. Let's get some actual New Jersey dock and ship it over. Can we just use plagues of wood? No, it's got to be actual New Jersey dog. And he's stuck under it like a barnacle. Exactly. And then, yeah, it's like some cheap skate is like, Yeah, I can get your boardwalk would.

But then it's like just Crystal Lake Dockwood instead. It's like, those Vegas fat cats won't know the difference. Then a guy won't go up the road. He'll only be in fucking Crystal Lake. You won't go down the shore. He won't spend the money to go down the shore. I still think this is a great idea. Like, he could be even just standing on the corner and people start like throwing money down

because they think he's a great street performer. Like, this is a great costume, pal. He goes into a good. casino like late at night it's kind of empty there's some old slot jockey and he like bumps into the guys like cup of quarters or something shit and the guy's like hey asshole watch where you're going and he rips the like lever off the slot machine and like runs it through the guy's eyeball can i just and all four of us we get residuals what this movie is made yeah because it's such a good idea but it has to be called lucky number Friday the 13 oh yeah i love that title yes copyright

We had movies, copyright, copyright. We're mailing the stars of ourselves. Because lucky number Friday the 13th is both great and stupid as all get out in equal measure. And it makes no sense whatsoever. It's perfect. One for Lucky Number Friday the 13th, please. Yes, I remembered the whole title. Let's see.

Lucky number of Friday 13 equals lucky number for that. Got it. Okay. I don't know. So fucking he's fat, right? He hot wires this segue. That's right. With this like, you think it's about to be a MacGyver thing because he gets like a paper clip, a rubber band and a Hershey's kiss.

And then he jerry rigs the segue with the paper clip and the rubber band or whatever it is. And then he's carefully, like meticulously unwrapping this Hershey kiss because you think like he needs the foil or whatever. And then he just eats it. Wouldn't you what did you know it? The fat guy ate the candy. Wow. That's what I love. I love to be surprised by a fat guy eating candy.

And he starts like scooting around here and he goes to the loading dock area of the hotel or whatever and he runs into this other guy. This guy's been around. I don't know if he's a standup or what but he's been in a bunch of stars. I think he's in the show Superstore possible.

Yes. Mirdle the Turtle is his name of this movie. Yes, that's right. Oh, was he on Superstore? I didn't watch any of that. He seems like definitely a guy that I would assume is like an L.A. Improv Groundling guy. He seems like...

Yeah, but he gets this information to go to the dock to begin, or the shipping area to begin with, because he seduces Davina. Tell me who's in, who got the penthouse. Right. And then he goes there

and he watches this guy eat a brown banana. That part's like humorous. It's like, oh, wow, what a gross banana. He's eating it. Yeah. You know, I got it.

That guy will eat candy, but not a brown banana. It's too much eating-based comedy. I agree with that. I will agree with that. Oh, by the way, the guy is Bob Clendenin. Mm-hmm. Who, oh, he was, oh, you know what?

Yeah, he was also, I guess he must be a Bill Lawrence bud because he was on a little bit of scrubs and a ton of Cougar Town. Apparently also in Dude, where's my car? Which I do not recall him from, but, oh, Babylon. Okay. He's in Babylon. Otto's assistant director. So there's that.

But yeah, just a dude. you've seen in a thousand years. He was not in Superstore. I apologize. Take it back. There's another guy. Oh, that looks like, yes. There's apparently two Superstore actors in this movie. Oh, okay. I just assumed you was one of them. According to the trivia, there's two Superstore people in this movie. Got it.

But anyway. Yeah, you know, the Black Banana thing, it's like, but why? You know what I mean? Like, I guess it's funny because it's gross and he's eating it, but like, what's this guy's problem? Like, I want something about like... Sort of? Like, banana isn't candy?

It's like, okay, that's kind of a joke there, but then it's like, is that why he's going to, is that, yeah, is that why he's throwing up? Or is it because the banana's way overripe to the point of rotten at this point? Like, it's fermenting inside the peel at this point. Guys, but you don't really know. We need a joke here. There it is. That's, that's the blart I need right now. There should be more fart stuff. There's not really fart stuff. No. But, yeah, so the, the, the, the. actual security guard who's on the inside is some other dude that just looks like a retired MMA fighter or whatever and he finds this dude and he it's just more hilarious segue

fake out stuff and then he like bumps him like he runs over his foot with it or some shit and then just speeds away and eventually finds this bulletproof suitcase which I guess is left over from this convention thing and he puts himself into the suitcase this is got to be

own suitcase. Court advantage. Oh, I know. I've got just the gambit that'll get me out of this situation. I'm going to lock myself inside a piece of luggage. And kill myself by throwing myself down a flight of stairs. It knocks into this guy. It like bumps him on the head. This guy is in the rest of the movie.

Absolutely not. You want to talk about Jason takes Las Vegas? He's getting decapitated. But then the suitcase falls out the window. It breaks to the window. It falls into the pool and he's drowning to death. at this point. The security guy lives. He calls Neil McDonough and says that he's sleeping with the fishes literally. There's no fish in a swimming pool. Swimming pool. Like old-timey dick

trade. If I was doing crime and so he's sleeping with the fish, it could be not like really, dude. Yeah. Hey, Sam, why don't you be a little professional in here? Knock it off. Sleep with the fish. What the fuck do you think this is, dude? And for a moment, you think Paul Blart will be dead soon in this suitcase but then we just cut to the pool and he gets out and he says not today death, not today and I'm like damn it. This is where I was keeping my eye on that hairpiece.

It was hold on for dear life. The thing about the suitcase. The thing about the suitcase. It definitely has the vibe of we were just talking about it on our most recent commentary that we released, the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireman Terry. When

the Weasleys bring Harry Potter to the Quidditch World Cup and they have that small tent and you're like what's going to go on in that tent and you go inside and it's a huge tent on the inside. That's what this suitcase has to be like for Kevin James

and it's not even a fat thing at this point it's just like he's a tall he's a tall ass grown man getting in this suitcase like the suspension of disbelief for the things that this guy can both do with and have done to his body wild shit in this movie.

Hey, Kev-Oh, yeah, Shandler. Yeah, we got some leftover gags from Deuce Bigelow, Mel Gigolo, three that never got made. And then, voila, you know, Schneider's a small guy, so he's going in a suitcase. I figure you could do that in yours. Yeah, well, we'll see about the cameo. I'm almost sure I could do it.

Almost sure. I'm really, I'm really thinking it's going to line up, Kev. Don't worry about it. Listen, if it doesn't happen, it's on my people. It's not me, man. I got no control over this stuff. I really want to do a cameo, and Paul Bart, too. Don't worry about it.

and then we gotta talk about this because it's dumb as shit he is being chased by these people there's this younger guy who thinks well the guy is dressed up in security regalia for the hotel or whatever and he dresses him down yada yada and uh oh he's also a crooked

guy working for Neil McDonough he uses like security guard uniform knowledge to figure out that this guy's a crook right it feels like stolen valor type of moments like now with those brass buttons or whatever. Yep, that's exactly what this is. And then so he runs away a lot of these crooked security guards in this

movie just brandishing firearms in the lobby of this casino at all time. But at the end of the movie everyone forgets where their guns are, which is amazing. It would be great if they shot someone. Yes. And you know, we were saying like where are all these Vegas cameos? This is it lumped into one thing that no one

gives a shit about. He crashes a Cirque de Salé performance. Oh, he does. It takes forever. When in Vegas, you must Cirque. Yeah, no. This is like, this is the only, like Wayne Newton said absolutely no. You know, Britney Spears, obviously not. Although you do see Anagastar is wearing a Britney Spears residency t-shirt at the end of the movie.

Sure. But yeah, it's just here's Cirque to Soleil, and he's got to fat his way around here and ruin this for everybody. He's fallen into multiple pools. Eventually we do get backstage. And this is where Paul Blark kind of becomes gizmo in Grimland. to like Rambo. He's just like, I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to use a bow and arrow all of a sudden,

which is now, he attach, he pulls out a live electrical wire out of the wall and he's just holding it like it's nothing, attaches it to the vibrating fork. Don't worry, everyone. He shoots this arrow with the fork and the electricity into this other security guard, this bad guy that's in on it. And he says, looks like we've come to a fork in the road. Just a terrible, terrible line.

Like, could you have a, come on. We could think of like right off the top. Like, you know, sorry, buddy, you're forked. You know? Yeah. Go fork yourself. Yes, that was mine. Yes, a real simple go fork yourself.

Sure. Nicely right here. Dinner is served. Like, whatever. Yeah, that is better. Like, or I put a fork in you. You're done. Right.

Yes. Or play it like one level above that. I'm going to need that back. Oh, that's fun. Due to my eating too fast, which I made jokes about earlier in the film. I can't fork and believe that worked. Can we just for a second just because Eric posited that Paul Blart is a mogwai? So it's fine.

Totally great ideas. Uh-oh. Exactly. What would a fucking Paul Blark Gremlin look like? Holy shit, this hulking monster of a gremlin. You know what it looked like? I'll tell you right now. Uh-huh.

Killer Crock. close you you were on the right path of where my brain was going Razar from Ninja Turtles to the fucking snapping turtle I believe was Razar and that token that is some fan art I'd like to see is Gremlin Paul Blart

if you don't mind Actually all we want is civilization And hoagies Yeah he'd be somehow wind up better as a gremlin It just pop it out of his back now that we're almost at the end of the movies when he figures out that they're stealing art from the hotel yes it's right here like oh my god

we all learned it the better part of an hour ago and they have the Van Gogh which we've been told is the most important one there's this guy now he goes at this point he also very again Gizmo Rambo he goes to the what he called there because now he's a tough guy he goes to the the convention center again and grabs all

of the accoutrema and the super mech segue. Yes, which they all just left out, even though the convention's done. So he's just running around and shooting people with bead bags and all this stuff. He gets on the phone with Neil McDonough and he's like you know, messing up your thing.

He keeps tasing this guy who has the van go. That's kind of a fun moment. I was kind of okay. The repeated casual tasing of this dude while Kevin James is on the phone. That's kind of a funny joke. It was a good bet. And it's like, oh, what painting is It's like, I don't know, there's a bunch of flowers.

Those are sunflowers, you ate, you ape. Yeah. There's a brief scene where Maya and Lane, they get, they break out through the power of the snow globe because it has copper wiring. They unlock this balcony and hear that Neil McDonough has a deathly allergic allergy to oatmeal cookies. Oh, yeah. The classic Achilles heel. But it's, they don't do enough with Neil McDonough. Like he, the high status, low status.

us, you know, the Van Gogh bit could work in a better movie, you know what I mean? Like that kind of stuff. Because it's, if there was ever a hero and villain slabs versus snobs relationship, I mean this movie is peppered with

slabs. Like, they're all there for the world to see. It stars a slob character. And yeah, like that, that one moment, right, where he is sort of like you're this uncouth swine for not knowing, you know, Van Gogh, Sunflower. painting, right, or whatever.

Like, I want more of that. I want this guy to be like an actual high up in society because the problem is, too, you don't, I mean, yes, obviously the end game such as it is like he's going to sell them and it's going to be money mentions. Very vaguely there's a buyer, possibly in Juarez, Mexico or whatever. But like, you want to know like why McDonough is in it. How fancy of a villain is he?

Like, has he done this multiple times? Is he the world's greatest art people? Exactly. It's anything. It's underwritten just like a, everything else. Mm-hmm. But, like, Neil McDonough also overhears the daughter talking about, like, how she thinks

her dad's a pathetic piece of shit. Oh, yes. Because he's, she's talking to the lane, like, you know, oh, yeah, like, he doesn't want me to go to UCLA, like, he's terrified to be on his own, blah, blah, blah, blah, he's pathetic, you know. Oh, no, she's feeling bad about her. She's like, I'm not going to UCLA. And she's like, why not?

He's like, because he can't be on his own, because my grandma. grandmother's dead and his wife left him and like nil was like uh-huh uh-huh and is he gonna use this to psychologically torture ball blart okay yeah all right that's sort of like the big showdown it's like you give me the painting i'll give you the girl kind of totally fine moment thing and he's in this hallway and he's got the painting and this is what he starts like really railing that he's a loser and it's like okay it's fucking really funny though when uh what jousting meal mcdonna like mixes up a detail about the marriage or whatever and Paul Blark corrects him and says like

there was actually six days of marriage or whatever it is and then Neil McDonough dude this is an all time right he's like oh got it so she had time to sample the merchandise and was glad she kept the receipt oh dude that means he's got a hot dog nugget down there cocktail weenie

uh huh it just you didn't think so because he's a big guy, he's kind of tall too, but sometimes, uh-uh, you're the guy from seven and that's a fucking small dick. McDonough also calls him sloppy right here, which is, that's the ball game. Because you get some bad, I don't know if this is like intentionally,

like he had a bad improv line and then they used it or like they wrote it this way, but like Paul Blart's insult that sort of lets the air out of the whole thing is he's like, oh yeah well i'm going to bring a folk guitar to a pumpkin fight yeah mcdon is like this has run its course yes and so did i they got into this like shouting match that was kind of i it was unexpected it was you know what it was like like a like a bill brasky type of reach you know where they're just like yes i once saw him bench press a water buffalo you know just like nonsense like

that, but it just, it's another whiff. Like, it just doesn't, right? Oh, I remembered what it is. They're trying to out crazy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm crazier than you, like, yeah. Yeah, he's chasing both Farley and Farley and Farrell at the same time and miles behind both of them. Yeah. But what Neil McDonough did not count on was Paul Blart's loyal army of renticabs that he's got here. And this, you know, I actually thought this was going to happen, but I, kind of wanted to happen sooner and like there's not even a scene where he goes up to them and enlists them

that's kind of a yeah like you need a rallying the troops moment exactly my daughter's in trouble you've got to help me oh my god everyone's been shitting on us their whole lives this is the time to be heroes yada yada yada they just appear they just appear and like there's a funny joke with the Indian guy

he just came out of a haircut I kind of like that right well yeah they're like came from a haircut which is pretty great that is a good one but they sort of like get down to the fighting here. The battle cry is footlocker. I guess because

foot lockers are in malls. Sure. And the joke. And the finger thing needs the money. Sure. We got to have some more big guy jokes here. Kevin James literally crushes a woman

by just laying on her body and rolling around and you're hearing like bone break. That is hilarious. This huge body destroys this woman sort of. Yeah. But just makes her infertile. Gave her the old steamroller.

I don't understand why the security guards are grabbing lamps to fight with. Did we just see this crazy convention? Didn't you just grab a bunch of weapons? Give them those weapons. That's kind of more fun. And also, yes, these other criminals should have guns. They should have guns. Also, the other question here is like, this big ass fight is happening in the middle of this casino.

And I get that, like, earlier in the film you saw Neil McDunna, like, his goons covering up some of the security cameras or whatever. But, like, this is a Las Vegas hotel and casino. There's people everywhere. Everywhere. How does no one hear any of this? Where's the actual not crooked security? Everyone is everywhere.

You're never alone in a fucking casino. And there's also, like, cameras everywhere. Yes. Yeah. There's no way they covered up all of them for this scheme. They covered up, like, around where the pieces of art were, I guess. But, yeah, it's very dumb. And then what the craziest part of this is,

Paul Blart eventually chases after Neil McDonough, he's running up to a helipad. The movie, which is called Paul Blart Mall Cop 2, stays with the rest of these rent-ac-court? Yes. To finish the fight? Oh, darling, I don't need this. You can just keep going with Paul Blart. That's fine. I got it.

I don't need to see these heavyset individuals morph into stuntmen and then morph back for way too long. Precisely. and then like they go up to the helipad basically and there's a zipline moment right because apparently it's it's the other tower no bathroom only Kafka Blasher or whatever I didn't understand the geography here did Neil McDonough run across the street

yes like how did they get there? I don't understand it either it looks like it's on the other side of Vegas like yes these are not towers next door to each other like right she writes like helipad on her little canister of vase and like throws it at him so i think the idea is like she and he both think like the halapad is just upstairs in this in this hotel that they're in in the wind and then like when they get up there they're like there's no helipad i think it's uh uh uh tuturo comes up and he's like there's no helipad

on this one it's over there and he's just got this batman grappling hook out of nowhere? Sure, why not? It's going to revolutionize mall security. We're going to repel every time someone tries to steal panties for Victoria's Secret is something. I don't know. This is insane.

Just getting on a zip. First of all, I could never imagine doing such a thing. But then getting on a zip line over the city and it stops midway. Well, but there's like a knot. Listen, Paul Blart does not have the upper body strength to hold on when it stops in the middle here. No, definitely not. And I was like bracing myself for another fat guy joke right here. It's like, oh, you're so fat. The zip line just got

stuck in the middle because you're just a fatty, fat, fat, fat fat fat. This is where I thought we were going to get the farts to propel himself. Oh, there you go. Yeah, dude, some real rocketers just making him go. Dennis Franz from the balcony. You got a fart, Paul. It's the only way to get past it. Show some ass. Put your whole ass into it.

This is what you was born for, kid. I wish. There's just this knot in the rope, and I guess he somehow gets over it. Sure. It's kind of vague in how he succeeds here. He just kind of shakes it until it goes over the knot, I guess. But, like, dude, if that handlebar falls off that wire,

you're done, Paul Blart. That's a risky move. So he gets over fine. and now we can continue the movie to basically just, you know, accidentally cover himself in a bunch of glue. He's got this sticky glue gun

thing. Right. He does get one ne'er-do-well with it, but then the gun falls apart. And now he's got nothing to kill or disarmed Neil McDonough with until Maya has this somehow oatmeal concentrate. It's face cream.

Okay. It's like an oatmeal-based face thing. Are people really? People are allergic to oatmeal, I guess. Deathly allergic. Deathly allergic to oats. I mean, I guess you have allergic to oats. Yeah, you could be, I've just looked it up. Yeah, you could be allergic to oats.

How's this for a bad guy character? I've got it all planned out. It is just the most amazing little jewel box of intricacies here. It's an art thief that's deathly allergic to oatmeal. Think of the movie we could make around this guy. That sounds great. you're gonna write more for him right like give him like character and pathos

and like maybe he's got like a different you know different ideas and stuff like that like why he needs this money you're going to explore that no no that'll be in the next trap look we'll give him two different colored eyes it'll be fun

yeah so he has this horrendous allergic reaction he starts looking like fucking Dan Aykroyd and nothing but trouble for a second Blart head butts him and says always bet on Blart Oh yeah. There we go.

We're in Vegas, baby. Instead of bed on black, it's a bet on blart. Yep. And here we go. Now it's the hero's victory lap. We've got to kiss this guy's big ass here. This is the Steve Wynn cameo. He comes out and gives him this check. He does a little like,

at the dollar amount there. Yeah, we don't see the dollar amount, but we, you know, it's a deft. Devena runs out to try to suck his dick. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he basically is like, no, Eduardo loves you. And, you know, he's, look how heartbroken he is

that he thinks he's lost to you or blah, blah, blah. And she, like, is like, you know what, Paul Blart? You're right. And she leaves. And then he's instantly like, oh, I've made a huge mistake. And it's like, well, obviously movie. Yes. But then we get this Star Wars medal ceremony.

You're getting this big fucking wookie of metal at the end of the movie. Which, why? The safety medal of honor. Oh, wow. That's real. And he gets, he gives him like, what do you call it there? He goes to his daughter and he does like a kind of a fake like, you know, you're not going to that. You know, it sounds like he's going to tell her one more time that she's not going to UCLA. She's like, oh, right.

Dad, I decided I'm not going. He's like, well, you better because you are going. Yeah. Right. She shows her the check and it's like, okay. And then we get a moment. Blart at UCLA. Go have.

fun Maya but not too much because I'm afraid of the lanes of the world I thought this was going to be because you see him wearing like some sort of UCLA regalia but like the shot the shot yeah it's a sweatshirt yes but the shot is from behind Maya so you can't see the whole thing and she gives him a big hug I thought the reveal was going to be the sweatshirt said UCLA campus security that would be good right he fucking followed her out there like a real psycho father. And he's like unpanty raiding the panty raids, right? Yeah, exactly.

Breaking up like frat parties or something, you know, that shit. Embarrassing his dirter. This could have been the sequel. No, I'm genuinely surprised that they didn't have the audacity to do that. I really am. Instead, the last moment is he sees a lady cop on a horse and he's like, wow, look at her. And he goes over and the gag is like, she's just. just as, you know, litigious or a, you know, procedure happy as he is at the mall.

And she's like, oh, you're getting a ticket for jaywalking, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, well, I'm a fake cop, even though you're a real cop, but I'm a fake cop. And she's, like, attracted to him. She gives him the phone number, her phone number, like on the ticket pad is the joke. And then this horse just kicks him into a minivan, which should kill him. Yes. What does? Kill a lesser man, Andrew.

Right. That's right. And then that's it. His unconscious body is on the ground. We cut the credits. And when I tell you, genuinely stunned, especially because of how the first movie ends, there's not a single blooper. There's not a single deleted scene left for the credits. And there's no stinger. They used it all. The whole buffalo is so good. They had to keep it all. What do you mean? We got no deleted scenes. It's a whole bunch of nothing. I swear, that last shot. I mean, talk about the effects that they, like him getting kicked by this horse. It looks like, did AI exist in 2015? Like, because this looks so bad. It's, I mean, it's terrible. I honestly, I think Paul Blart 3 might be, might be a full AI movie. Like, you know what I mean? It might be, it might be better.

Like, this is. Paul Blart 3 Stable Diffusion Like I just It's just genuinely stunning That we didn't have a We're continuing the movie While the credits

Yeah Because this movie ain't above that No no no I think It's one of those things It was like nobody had fun making this They wanted it They were done This was way more all business

You're saying Yes On the set of Paul Blart 2 You know maybe Adam could do a cameo over the credits. Ooh, he was busy. Oh, shit. I feel like the gargoyle of Steve Wynn

was just like perched above this whole movie the entire time, like monitoring it, you know? Like, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, it's, you only have like a certain number of days and then get out of my casino. Right. I think it's the idea. But that is the end of this wretched

movie. We'll go around the horn here. Final thoughts. We'll start with our beloved guest, Ben Worcester. Final thoughts about Paul Blart, too, Ben. This movie is a, it's a dark void. It pulls in everything unceremoniously into just a vacuum of silence. I want a milk truck to take me to a better place after seeing this movie. It stinks.

Paul Blart, Mallcop, number two. It stinks like shit. Eric Siska. Yeah, no, I'm going to agree with Ben. It is a, it's a force of. darkness in this world, and I feel like some soul and psychic damage from having seen it.

Obviously not a record. Stephen. Oh, it's miserable. It was a really tough one, and it is a full 93 minutes or whatever it is. It's not a short guy. It's one of those like, oh, it's barely, no, it's, it's a full-throated 90-minute feature film, and it certainly should not be.

I'm glad that they've never made a sequel. And I'm, I hope they never do. How about that? There you go. You know, it's funny because it's been, I feel, a while since we had a real, this is barely a movie movie on this show. Like, yeah, we didn't like IROBA, but like it's a movie. Beverly Hills Cop Free is a movie.

Dick Tracy's certainly a movie. But this is, I mean, I think we have to go back to Garfield, The Tale of Two Kitties before you get like this low. I mean, and that honestly at least had the fucking good grace to be under 80 minutes. Like, yeah. This even felt long at 94. four minutes it's just bad it's you know most jokes recycled in this case it's like physical gags recycled literally like the gag of him crawling on the floor but then crawling back quickly because

he's slid too far they redo that in this movie you know so there's a lot of that it's just lazy that's just classic blart that's just classic blart right there that's what the the kids were paying for I guess but also yeah like way too for the amount of money that the first movie made big delay on this sequel and i don't know what the deal was there but that's kind of weird and you feel it like there's just not for whatever excitement they had making paul blart malcop this is not that maybe it was being under the thumb of steve win i don't know uh but this is just p u city kids stay away from it that is going to do it this episode of we hate movies uh ben thank you so much for coming back on and i don't think we saw you since we got a little borgnine shatner esk last october

Oh, my goodness. What a time that was. Spending some time with a real cop. T.J. Bunker. That's right. What are you boys getting up to over on the T.J. Hooker by the way. Hooked on T.J. Hooker, T.J. Hooker Podcast.com, if you're interested. We did our first episode of the year. So we're doing them when we can. So there's one this year thus far.

We've made a commitment to putting out. one episode a year. So we fulfilled that obligation. July's coming up. I think we might do another one. So get ready. Oh, I like that. No, we're, we're having fun. Season four is, I mean, it's funny. It's taking us this long because it's so good. Like, it's getting better and better. And I think the slate of episodes that are coming up leading into season five, they're just, it's going to be a banger after banger. Here, yeah, here's a teaser. If you, come to the July episode, which we're going to do, I'm going to come into it now.

Outcall T.J. Hooker versus a cobra. Yes, it happened. Like a snake? Yes, a snake. He fights and battles a snake in it. Oh, that fucking kicks ass. Yes, hooked on T.J. Hooker. Very funny podcast available wherever you get pods. And speaking

of pods, if you want more We Hate Movies, of course, check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies where you can get episodes of We Hate Movies just like this very one you're listening to, ad free. So, you know, some people might be listening to it, ad free, which, hey, thanks for subscribing. And if not, if you had commercials on this,

there's a way to get around them. That is on the Patreon. We're also this Friday, y'all. So not July 4th because it's a holiday and nobody's going to be paying attention to shit. But the day after, July 5th, we're dropping a real banger we love movies all about James Mangold's Logan,

Woohoo. Hell yeah. Hell of an episode. We went long on it because it's just a fantastic motion picture. Had a lot of fun. A lot of Patrick Stewart impressions on there, man. So get ready for that shit. So that's a lot of fun. The July animation damnation, we got that locked in, Steve, or no? We do. We're going to be talking about Ultimate Spider-Man, which is a cartoon I've never watched. There's a Deadpool episode. And I was like, you know, we should do a Deadpool thing. Yeah. We're doing the Logan. We'll do a Deadpool. That makes sense, right? that's right and on the gleepe glossary we're talking about kai adi mundi which is the cone head alien from the prequels who was briefly

an acolyte and created a shitstorm we'll also be sharing further thoughts on acolyte on that program that's right and of course get hip to the next chapter of the nexus folks our star trek recap show where we are now full on in the new era where we have finished Star Trek, the original series. We're keeping with TNG, of course, but replacing TOSTAS, TOS, TOS, the animated series.

That's right. We're going through all 22 episodes of those bad boys. I think we should even redo the one we did on animation, Damnation, because it's been several years. Absolutely. The magics of Megas, too. But yes, filmation, animation, 22-minute episodes, definite vibe shift, but it's a good-ass time.

that starts this month on Patreon as well. We also just released, like I mentioned, the Harry Potter Commentary, Goblet of Firementary, all this and a whole lot more, Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. And now Steve Sadek, we're in, like

we're getting towards the back end of the season, the back end of the summer blockbuster extravaganza. We got some big ones coming up, my friend. Next Tuesday, what are we going to be gabbing about? It is it is the despicable me too. Could you believe it. Yeah, the minions are back with their juicy, delicious asses. Oh, they're bopping asses next week on the

program. We will be talking about juicy minion asses next week on we hate movies. But until then, I've been Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Siskin. Ben Worcester. Take it easy. Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you. Thank you.