We Hate Movies - S14 Ep752: Arachnophobia (with Paul Scheer)

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

“How do you not kill the guy on the toilet?” - Eric On the season 14 finale of We Hate Movies, the gang welcomes actor/comedian/podcaster/author/movie-lover and all-around good guy, Paul Scheer to the show to chat about the sleepy, yet kinda crazy monster movie, Arachnophobia! Why isn’t this movie just about John Goodman’s exterminator character? Why couldn’t the major spider at the end be a huge, dumb puppet monster? How funny is it that this movie doesn’t care about those kid characters at all? Why couldn’t we see that dumb sheriff eat shit on-screen? Why would you uproot your whole family without being absolutely certain you have that job, Jeff Daniels? And you better believe we’re marveling at all the Seinfeld alums in this! PLUS: Just watch Shatner in Kingdom of the Spiders instead of this. Arachnophobia stars Jeff Daniels, Harley Jane Kozak, Julian Sands, Stuart Pankin, Brian McNamara, Mark L. Taylor, Henry Jones, Peter Jason, James Handy, Roy Brocksmith, Kathy Kinney, Mary Carver, Frances Bay, and John Goodman as Delbert McClintok; directed by Frank Marshall.  This episode is brought to you in part by Rocket Money! Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. That’s RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. RocketMoney dot com slash WHM. If you haven’t had the chance to snag the replay of our SPEED digital show, you’ve got through August 1 to check it out! Head to MOMENT DOT CO SLASH WE HATE MOVIES and get your replay tickets for both the show AND the hilarious After Party Q&A! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs! Including new Bus Movie, Night Vision & Too Old For This Shit designs!   Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, it's a monster movie that's pretty sleepy and boring until it turns totally insane. It's arachnophobia. I'm Andrew Jopin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Sis Kabbin. And Paul Shear. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. If you're new to the program and finding us for the first time because you're a huge spider fan. This is a comedy podcast where we take a movie.

movie good better otherwise and kind of kick it around for a little bit. And our guest for this one is the incredibly funny guy. He's seen him on shows like The League, Black Monday, fresh off the boat, and NTSFSD SUV. He's one of the hosts of the very funny, how did this get made podcast. He's now also add this to the list, y'all. New York Times best-selling author with his memoir, joyful recollections of trauma. And I saw him in IMAX just yesterday at the tail end of Twisters. It's Paul Scheer.

Thank you. I'm so excited for being here. I mean, truly, this is an honor and I can't wait to talk about this movie because this is a film that kind of messed me up when I was a kid and then I was wondering why so much as I watch it as an adult.

I have this same exact experience. I feel like I got arachnophobia from this movie as a kid, but I shouldn't have. Eric, there is a scene in this movie that is so clear in my memory and it was so not scary when I saw it. like it was it was actually good to see it again but showering when that girl is showering and there was a spider up on the the ledge it's a very like uh-oh the spider's in the shower i was like that i checked behind me all the time in the shower for that kind of a thing and it was yeah it's a weird movie like in that way it's like it is burnt in my head and then the end is just straight up a bonkers i mean it's he gets to a rasselin match with this spider which is just it's just it's

It's Mono E. Spider. I also love the idea that they're like, all right, no spider, no other spiders could be around because the general is going to take him down. It's like, it's the action movie where like the guy like gives the hand up and everyone backs away kind of a thing. I do like the twist that it was in the basement instead of a barn. I mean, that's a big, that's like basically like the movie. It's such a funny thing. It's like, well, we know it's here. But like that's the twist.

It's not even that much of it. an exciting twist. It's just like oh, it was like five feet away from where we thought it was. Right. The wine cellar, his dream. It's not in the shitty barn. It's in the shitty wine cellar. Symbolism.

Yeah, this was, I don't know. My history of this movie is not, I know a lot of people really like this and when we were younger watched it a lot. I'm not a big spider person and that's like before this movie. I'm sure this movie didn't help as a kid. But I think it was like maybe once on VHS, once on Comedy Central, and then today.

Like, I never really went back to the well on it. I'm cool, spiders. I grew up in the Bronx, so waterbugs are the problem. If I say, I am fucking moving. You know what I mean? Because I couldn't, as a kid. As an adult, I will now move, is the idea. Chris, was the, was arachnophobia's VHS part of your dad's Columbia house scam?

It was part of the hall from the famous scam. He got that. he got that one twice because i definitely watched through it and i just remember i i much have seen it a bunch of times because i just remembered every john goodman part coming back to this i was just like yeah that that must have been was bringing me back was like oh that's oh fat slob that's me finally i could see myself here we are and like i i think that must have been what the pull was and i didn't mind so much that like the spider king was in it a very like a movie that builds up this spider king and it doesn't look that much bigger than a tarantula that was in like a James Bond

movie right like I was expecting it to be like a big as a car or something yes the way it's like catching cats um they're saying it's prehistoric I thought it'd be like a dinosaur spider yeah oh my god like you know here's the thing that's so bizarre about this movie is I don't know where you all fall on this I was not a kid that liked horror as like you. Like, I wasn't, like, I wasn't into Freddie. I wasn't into Jason. But I could watch Psycho. I could watch arachnophobia.

It was like, this is like the middle ground for me where it was like, oh, Pacific Heights works. But I would never want to see a Halloween movie, right? So like the thrillers with like spooky shower scenes specifically, you were like, this works. I'm all on board. But, you know, there was something about it where like a straight horror was too hard for me to take. It really like messed me up. But this was like a type of movie. that felt like safe enough to be afraid,

but like not safe enough to be like, give me nightmares. Yeah, I was a huge coward until, I mean, I'm still a coward, but like, I was a huge coward about movies until like, you know, like 18, 19 years old and found horror in high school and stuff, like literally closing my eyes as a teenager watching horror movies. So there is that sort of, at least excitement. Like I kind of see what everyone's excited about horror movies, but I'm still not ready for actual horror movies.

Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? Right. That training reals horror is kind of perfect. And it does feel like this is a movie that I, you know, I think we all know that story that like, oh, Spielberg took over poltergeist, right? Or at least that's the, there's a thought that that's what happened. Sure. You kind of wanted that to happen here, right? It's like it's like it's, it kind of all feels like ambling.

Like you see it's somebody to like just get it just a little bit over the edge, right? Like a little bit more. You want him or Russ Meyer to come in because honestly, like, I think a B movie version of this is a lot more fun. Like at the end, you've got your like, it's a total B movie. You've got your, you know, your intrepid doctor, the young kid who's played by a 40-year-old man in glasses. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's exactly a B movie with a square jawed Jeff Daniels as the guy. But it just doesn't, it never gets there because of the like legitimate amblin sheen that it has.

Well, that's the thing. There's that sincerity, right? that ambulance sincerity. Sorry, Chris. No, it also, because it also, I was saying before we started, there's this feeling, there's certain shots that look like Jurassic Park shots, especially in the beginning when we're going to the place

the mountain, I forget what it's called, Tepoi, the Tepoi we're going to. Oh, yeah. That, like, I was kind of like, I felt him over Frank Marshall's shoulder. I could feel Spielberg there in these moments. And I was kind of like, I wish I got more of that.

But also, to your point about wanting a bigger spider. The movie that starts like this that I couldn't stop thinking about was the relic. When they're off, it starts in the jungle and then he comes and he brings it with them. And the relic is a big stupid monster. It's fantastic.

But like this, like yeah, it's like a catcher's mitt with a couple fangs on it. And that's enough. I mean, you could see the wirework in certain scenes. Yeah. Oh yeah. I do love the beginning of, I mean, it's a real, this is a real prologue. It's 20 minutes until you

see Jeff Daniels. Well, that's what I was going to say. That, that it doesn't earn its prologue, right? The prolog is, is truly like, there's not even an action scene that happens. We don't even really get to see what the spiders do besides that one bite.

Like, it, there's, it's really like, oh, we're just setting, we're grounding it. Weirdly, it's like, and I tried to show it to my kids, and they're like, out, I'm out. Like, I was like, yeah, I get it. I get why you're not into this. But you're right.

needs some kind of set piece down there because once a guide is like this is as far as I go. Yes. Yep. That's setting up some big shit. Well, yeah, you're setting up Atherton, I guess, but also I think what they're really doing is saying, you know what? It's okay that this

manly guy is going to die. You know what? Just, you know, he's, he kind of is, he's kind of the center of all the jokes anyway. Yeah. He's already looked sick. He's fresh from Caracas. He's not really doing his job right. And he keeps on, like, bumping into spider shit.

So maybe it's okay that he dies. And then, like, the whole town, when we get back, it turns out they all think he's like a pussy or something. And they're like, they're shunning his parents. And I'm like, you know what? That's what all this setup was. It was really to be like, here's Julianne Sands. He's going to be back in about 40 minutes.

Well, to be fair, they're shunning his parents because the mother is uncomfortably drunk at the reception for Jeff Daniels. I think that's what that is supposed to be there. No, she's grieving, man. I totally understand it. It's like the kid or kid in Jaws. Like, I completely understand it. You know, maybe Jeff Daniels gets slapped in the face instead or something.

He's like an anti-Peter Parker, you know? Like he's like a fat older guy. He gets bitten by a spider to doesn't take. No. Doesn't take. No superpowers with this dude. He just dries out. I need another bite.

Oh, God. Oh, more. What this movie feels like to me in many ways is this. California white wine filmmaker style of the 90s, right? It's like, what are our problems? Our problems are we want to get out of the city.

Like, we want to get, you know, and it's like there is something about it that feels incredibly like, this is our fantasy. We want to move to a small town. This is what small town life is like. And it's like it seems like Doc Hollywood world that they're walking into.

Right. And it's like, and at the same time, you're just like, it feels like it's also like looking down on a small town it's like fuck you small town but oh we love a small town but they're not assholes so it's like in the small town is assholes so it is like a weird it's it is a weird movie where it's like it just feels like white wine hollywood it just like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah as a lifelong new york i'm always like these are the fuckers i want out of the city anyway the ones that can't wait to leave we can't wait for you to leave also we would

like you out of ourselves but that's what's kind of funny about the end of this movie though is it basically says like everybody stay where you are because they go back they're like oh this small town spider business I don't think so back to earthquakes in the big San Francisco Bay absolutely he doesn't even get his sideways moment at the end of this it's

really sad you would think you would at least get to like sip and they just do it to him man he doesn't even seem to like wine I know he has this wine celebrate we never even really see him drink wine like he just seems to like someone who collects funcos he's never opening the boxes he just has a lot of them

just collect them never use them ever play with those bottles of wine. Exactly. I mean, he says he's chucking the bottles, you know, toward the end and he's like, oh, not the chateau. Like, that's the joke, but it's like, that's just a script word for wine to make it sound fancy.

You don't know anything. After, like, the third patient of yours dies, you've got to be downing a bottle. Oh, yeah, for sure. I also love how quick, I mean, I guess, you know, there's sometimes I get, like, upset where I'm like, I shouldn't be, like, picking on it because it's just a movie to get to the next part.

But at the same time, I'm like, they're so quick to blame these. deaths on him like right away like it's like and it seems like they don't even try to get it that much as like well you're the last person who gave that guy a testicular exam you must have had something to do with it's like no well what he's known from uh from a turn and cough like what it's like you're at fault yeah you squeezed his nuts too hard and that caused something to pop in his brain i want to give him kovorkian's fucking nickname dude this little girl's calling him doctor death at school that's oh my gosh i did like that would that

that old bastard doctor dies. I need a full on risky business scene with Jeff Daniels just fucking dancing around. He's very somber. I'm so sorry for your loss, ma'am. And then just going home, like, yeah, motherfucker. He's dead. Yes. We're in the money when he gets all the new customers.

Yes. By the way, I did have this other thought, too. It's like, why aren't they just sharing a practice? Yeah. Like, oh, he's going to open up a brand new office? It's like, it just seems like that's even complicated. Like, I could see, like, hey, I'm going to stay on. so now you have to share this practice with me

or something. But it's like it's such a weird convoluted premise too. It's like you don't even need him to not have that job. He could be the new town doctor and it's like there's no real reason why that obstacle is there. It doesn't set him back in any way. Like it doesn't

stop the journey. It doesn't do anything but make a semi interesting party scene. I mean it's like that's all we're there for. You're maybe a little bit happier when he gets bid. It's Like, you're actually entertained when you see him getting that. But, I mean, he is, I mean, to your point, like, they put all of Dogville into Metcalf.

Like, you wish they would spread it out and, like, get a couple, like, maybe the real estate agent is being shitty about them doing the renovation. Right. Maybe something like that is happening to give this more full run. But they, as you said, they can't go too far in because they also want to make fun of the city people, too. They want to keep the line there and it just like, I'm waiting for you to push through something here. And you don't need any of it. because it's just about a spider, right? Like, you could literally have done this with, like, I'll give you the quick new pitch of it.

They Airbnb, they VRBO. One week, we're going to be here. Oh, my gosh, look, we got a barn. We got a thing because this movie takes place over a week. Why do we need to, like, uproot and everything? It's like, there's nothing majorly happening. Just put it there, and he's there. He's a doctor.

He figures it out. He gets a little bit, you know, and, you know, he's the most rational one. It's like, you add all this. And it's like, it's like the opening. Yeah. It's all this exposition that means nothing pays off in no interesting ways because they leave at the end. They don't stay in the town that they saved.

All the stuff in the beginning doesn't do anything more than, yeah, it's a crazy spider from that place. Got it, but we don't really understand it from there. Like nothing about this movie, it only is about spiders killing people randomly. And that's it. There's a more. And Julian Sands doesn't even save the day, RIP, by the way. But he, you know, he's just, he's just,

another guy that dies. So like if Julian Sands was like the big like he comes in and swoops in and has all the answers and wins at the end like then that's kind of cool that maybe he comes back. But no, he's just kind of intermittently in the movie and then gets murdered very stupidly towards the end. Oh and they and they like also replace him with this like boring conduit. It's like yeah, why are we putting this guy in like we need this guy too? I mean really the only redeeming thing in this entire movie is John Goodman.

like John Goodman was like okay this is a chance for me to just fucking do it like I'm like he goes all in it's a great character it's funny it feels like it's walking a perfect line it's the only interesting thing in the entire movie even like when he scoops him up at the end I'm like you're welcome or like you don't have to thank me or whatever I was like great

this is great I'm all in I love this he's in movie three and you know that the movie loves him because they give him it's a whole fucking deep song boom wow Anytime he's remotely near. I'll tell you what that is, dude. We have a term for that kind of music on the show. It is fat guy John Candy music.

And that's what they're giving it. It's not because they think he's an important character. It's like, there's the fat guy who's kind of funny. So the music will turn from Deadly Serious to a lot of trombones. Did you read? Like, I think what John Candy, they were considering for this role. Yes, yeah. Maybe they wrote the music ahead of time.

I hope he was busy doing JFK. They come around the same time. I really hope he's doing the daddy-o scene while they're trying to get him for this. That's a bigger web of lies in that movie. I always say the fat guy orchestral music, this is my impression of it. A beautiful orchestra is playing,

and then a fat guy's walking across stage. Like, oh shit. They're almost like dealing with a seismic. Oh, you're going to play it. Like, it has like this energy to it. you know it's like only the tuba guy can keep up by the way as we're talking about this why isn't the movie just about him and the exterminator

wouldn't that be a more interesting movie the exterminator in town who's like dealing with all these like weird things and fucking spiders finally meets his match it would be yeah that would be fun but I think because it's a frank martial picture they are always trying to make it a family movie so they anchor it to this this family and like I'm like the path you have to take to care

about the spider coming with Manley's corpse to the place where Irv fucking eats a hot dog over these corpse and like this like transition I'm like just get to the funny stuff with the spiders and the exterminator but like you have to deal with so much about the table setting

of like I just you know my wife used to be a stockbroker we need a party like all this like busyness that like just adds to like not as you said like nothing just shows nothing. Dude, he throws his wife under the bus at that party, by the way. He's like, because she's like not openly talking about what's going on, like why they left or whatever. And then he's like, oh, let me introduce you to my wife here.

You may have known her from formerly working on Wall Street. And she's like, why did you have to do that to me in public? I'm a photographer now or something. By the way, I've never seen a movie care less about the children in the movie. Like, these kids are not seen nor heard. No, no. and they have nothing to do. They're like, they're in kind of close call.

I mean, that's the other thing about this movie. Everyone's in a kind of close call. Like, oh, if their hand was just a half inch over, cares. Like, it's like, you know, it's like, and the big, the big, the big, uh, obstacle's like, she's at a slumber party, well, we got to get her back. Yes. Well, all right.

Like, put her on a fucking camping trip. Put him camping in the backyard. Like, put something where, like, it makes some sense. Or it's like there's, you know, we're, we're inundated with these spiders. I'm scared for my family. Let's all ship you off to grandmas and cut down on some of these characters. Because you can only, you're totally right, Paul. You can only use the tension of, are they about to be bit on the hand or the foot?

Like so many times, but this movie, they're trying to get like a punch card filled with how many times they use that trope. Well, here's a question. And I'm asking this very honestly, not like, huh, but is the bird scary? And if so, why isn't this more like the bird? you know because it feels like that's what it is trying to be on some level it just feels like what if instead of birds it was spiders you're totally right about that and i think even like marshall was saying like he wanted it to be like the birds with spiders but the biggest difference is in the birds one of the reasons it's totally scary is because you don't have 20 minutes

of a julian sands character at the beginning telling you what the birds are up to that movie's freakish because it's like oh they just started doing this and we don't know why it drives me crazy that I thought because like birds A you can see them there's all different kinds of types of them you can hear them the big thing about spiders is you don't hear them

you don't really see them they're kind of invisible so I'm looking at fucking grass the whole time being like ah I'm like come on like it drove me nuts reading that that he thought this like he thought about the birds because I'm like they're that's what's like clearly Hitchcock saw like

The audio element, the fucking visual element, like, all the, like, special things you can do with birds when they attack. There's, like, all this interesting stuff there with spiders, it's a bite. That's it. Chris, I was waiting for, like, a jaws roar from these things. Yes, please. Anything. A lion. I would take a lion.

The MGM lion. Get that in there. It's sort of like, again, I'm thinking, like, it's like, it's 30-something meets birds, right? It's not really driving into the horror even. How horror is so, I mean, and like, you know, it's so like, I don't know. Like, I mean, like, again, watching it, I'm like, I want to be scared. And I'm like, am I just, am I past it? Because I was why.

I brought my kids to see Twisters because they got to show them that their dad, you know, likes to work. By the way, interesting, Frank Dair, Frank Marshall on the set of Twisters. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I was so excited to meet him, huge fan. You know, I'm only. on set for a day so he doesn't want to meet me but uh when um when he did uh when there was discussion it was really interesting because uh without spoiling it uh there's a part in the movie

that i'm in and the director's like well why don't when this thing happens why don't you say like what the fuck you know you do and i'm like really like i thought he was joking doing a bet and i was like yeah go for it just say like you know what the fuck and i'm like okay and he's not giving me a line reading he's just kind of like whispering it to me and he walks And I'm like, but it's like, can I do that? Like, I didn't know that he's doing a bit with me because I'm like, it's Twisters. I can't say fuck, right? And he's like, no, no, no, we're going to do it.

And then it was like, and then there was some deliberation like, we're going to give him the fuck. The only fuck in Twisters. And then it was like, everyone came out to be like, okay, yeah, we are going to, okay, well, it was a lot. I could tell there's a lot. And you're talking about family movie and like the fuck is not in Twisters. And of course it's not. If anyone should be saying, fuck, it's not me in Twisters. I like it's like the nuclear football.

Like are we going to give him the, like, you know what I mean? Like three people are there with keys, basically. Oh, they have to know it. But I do think it's like this idea where, you know, this, this, I don't know. Oh, as I say, when my kids watch Twisters, they don't watch a lot of like live action movies for whatever reason. But you forget, like, how they, like, we know so much about movies. Like, there's a scene of Twisters, the end of the movie, something is going to happen. and my son's like work work work like and I'm like of course it's gonna work I'm like but I know it

right he doesn't know it right and uh you know so like that and I feel like oh there maybe am I too old to like fall for what was happening here or is it not good I don't know and I really was wrestling with this last night I was like right because I was like ugh I'm like ugh I'm like more it's like every bite is about the same everything is almost like you said almost at the foot oh way oh foot in the sliper oh way I'm like it's like a tea everything's a fucking tease

I'm like it's like Jason behind the door going I'm open closing I'm opening closing I'm opening closing and how do you how do you not kill the guy on the toilet dude come on this big football coach sits on the toilet you see this man drop his drawers come on that I need it there has to be an ass bite right there yes close up of the cheeks like under lit and under and under

an under toilet shot you're saying toilet cam in the movie. A huge prosthetic. Yeah, whole thing. Like, get the guy who did, uh, who built the set on double dare for the nose, but to make an ass jeezing. Spider,

put a flag up there if you need to. Well, well, well, I knew this day would come. Fans of the double dare nose want me to build him an ass. They bite, it bites him and then brown slime, right?

You know, look, I think it's totally appropriate for that brown sign to come out. But there is a flag in there. Paul. But you know, I say that. But again, like, this is a time where also we like rich people on toilets, goonies, when that is the rich kids reading guns and ammo, and he gets, like, jerked around by the toilet.

Like, we like seeing people get some toilet attacks. Like, toilet attacks are fun. Absolutely. No, yeah. And I mean, and, I mean, Spielberg, of course, does a great fucking toilet gag in Jurassic Park. I mean, the fucking... Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. That's one of the ultimates. That's one of the ultimate toilet gags. So what you're saying,

Paul, like, what I think this movie did was allow like fat little kids like me to watch and be like I do like horror look yeah this is one I'm okay with because stepping stone yeah when you because the other stuff the stuff with Jason and uh all that like the thing about is is I'm not I'm not proud about this but like the all the the the like cultural shit about like they're going it's going to corrupt you it's like evil it did kind of like work on me a little bit I was kind of like those things are too much for me I'm going to enter that and it's going to be way too much and I can't handle it

and then of course you'd learn like 16th 17th or you're like it's all bullshit never mind I'm going to try and see what this Halloween is all about and it's great but like for before that something like this really held you something like Jurassic Park was the best version of it I think but like this feels like all versions it feels like he's testing out ideas

over Frank Marshall's shoulder right in this movie for Jurassic Park good call Not to go all the way back to Venezuela, two things. One, are we, is it the same jungle from the, oh God. Madam Webb? Madam Webb, thank you. Literally everything about it.

I was like, that is, like, was the director of Madam Webb like a huge ractophobia fan? I was like, this feels like I'm back in that movie. Which is not where you want to be. A spider cult would be interesting here. course. Yeah, I would like it. I would like some, I would like some reason to justify the 25 minutes that I spend there without anything

happening. Like, at least Indiana Jones, like you open up, it's like a fun action sequence that, you know, it doesn't really play, I mean, it does play into like the rivalry between the two guys. Yeah. But it's like, but that, the, that head has no, we, who cares? The head's gone. And Jacques is gone. And the plane is like, that's fine. But give me

some reason, establish a character. These are also not our main characters. No, there's been 25 minutes with. But the defendant of, a little bit. Julian Sands with this gas gun, just like, we're going down there, we're just murdering all these books. That's it, Eric. I honestly think that's part of it, is them kind of evening the

boards and being like, well, look, yes, the spiders are killing a bunch of kids and fucking old people, probably. But like, look, we kind of deserve it. We went to their house and fucking gas their fucking friends. Wait a second. That's a good call, though, Chris. It just made me realize, like, did his gas

gun not fit in the car when he left to go to Jeff David? Why would you not? That thing seemed to work pretty, but you'd get those spiders down toot sweet in that barn, dude. Very easily. Also, just get more of this, the private stock that John Goodman is hauling around. It feels like something like you would put next to like the cube the Avengers need to find. Like it feels like very like stuff that is top secret.

And he just has this shit on his fucking back. Oh my God. I'm also thinking about, I just going back to now, I'm going back to Venice well with you guys again. for a second because I'm just, I'm realizing something, I just googled it. He also did Congo, which also is like another like you know, this is where he feels

good. And alive is also jungle movie too to a certain extent. I mean, not jungle, it's like, but it's like, you know, it is, you know, we're away from civilization. Different kinds of creatures. Horror elements. Elements of horror. It's interesting that he like exists either in snow or jungle because

eight below is the other one. I think that's the Paul Walker one, right? Yeah. So, yeah, really is... Is there any other job you can say this is as far as I go? I want my waitress to be like, I don't do dessert. You know?

Yeah. Oh, no, I couldn't possibly. This is it. Entres is as far as far as far as. Maybe bartenders by saying, I'm going to cut you off. Yeah, that's what... Maybe that's the closest I think you could get.

You can't have to be like a firefighter or something. That's not really... I only put out porches, okay? I'm sorry. What's that? rest of the house that's your problem yeah so we get to the what is it here canema

California yeah yeah this funeral home this undertaker herb I love this guy Roy Brock Smith as the undertaker love him from Seinfeld Babs Kramer how that woman oh nasty woman total recall as well

yeah he's one of those guys that like you immediately see his face right I've loved you in a million things you know and it's like yeah I'm all in on him and he's great in everything. We always got to point it out, there's no fewer than, I think, four Seinfeld alums in this movie. Manly is the guy from the Hampton's episode.

He's got the ugly baby. Oh, wow. With the lobsters, he's pissed off about the lobster traps. Yes, my father was a lobster man or whatever the fuck he says, yeah. And then Mrs. Chote, of course, from Happy Gilmore and whatever. And then there's a fourth person. Oh, God. Oh, the woman who played.

Most famously Mimi from the Drew Carey show is a handicapped spot episode. The kid, the student assistant is the guy with the dog bandanas. Yes, he is. Brian McNamara, yes. Oh, wow, so five. This might be an all-timer for Cycle. Yeah, there you go. It's a real big one.

It's a big boy. Well, this is like, but this era also was, I recently watched Twister, and it's like, this is an era where you were putting funny sitcom stars and populating everything. Everything. It was like, oh, yeah, I recognize that person from that show and that thing. And it's like, and I think it actually speaks to why this movie does work. It's like, all these characters, like, they are fun. They're like, oh, yes.

They pop. And you see them immediately. And I'm just, I like all their faces. They're good. They're well cast. It's just like, I'm, I'm in. Yes. Very interesting faces, which was, yeah, I mean, Twister.

I mean, it's the interesting faces Hall of Fame movie. Like, everybody's in that movie, which is great. Yeah. I mean, and it's, uh, even the director. of tar. But I feel like there's like a thing of like between like inner space and arachnophobia and twisters. There's like all these like kind of movies that like for like there was a nice period of time from like 1988 to 1994 where it's like oh I love all these actors, all these great character actors. And now unfortunately I think a lot of that gets a little bit

washed away. Like I don't know if we. I don't know. I don't know how it's right. Yeah. No, I think we got to bring the value up on character actors again. Yes. Yes. Ugly faces add so much texture, so much authenticity to a movie. Real faces. That's what I got by ugly. That's real ugly faces. No, that's, I mean, that they stopped doing them. Like the, I'm sorry, but like that is what's interesting about them is they are not traditionally good looking.

Like that is something that genuinely you used to look for because you knew it gave flavor to your image. But like, it's, it's the thing of, I mean, Seinfeld is exactly that. And so is, you know, you look back a taxi, cheese. like they're not ugly people but they're just like they don't look like they are cut from they wouldn't be in magazines in an outfit you know wearing a turtleneck or you know

looking at their watch you know and that and I feel like that's like uh you forget I think you get more connected to people like like that I just think you do they all look like people there on Instagram you'd be like oh yeah they're all super fucking hot it's hard to find sympathy for hot people across the time

nine that's nine out of ten cheers actors the the question you get is you're an actor and like they're yeah yeah yeah no totally um i feel like here's a thing jeff daniels with this career change and uprooting your family and everything like maybe one before you're going to do this like get something in writing like this dude's gonna step down also check in closer than four months uh oh yeah because he's like what do you mean old man you're not going to retire you were going to retire what i talked to you on the phone four months ago. Come on. No, no, week of. Definitely give a call week of. And also,

I'm going to tell you this, you should have somebody check the wood that your house is made of. Yeah, you should have had an inspector come through. So much earlier. You should have had it, the inspector, the guy who sold it to you? Like, anybody could have done this, but like, he's like, wait a minute, this is cardboard. What the fuck? I mean, here's another thing about Jeff Daniels too where I'm like I really like Jeff Daniels and we know he's funny we know he's a good actor but I also feel like he's sleepy in this

like he's not like bringing anything like he's not pushing the comedy and it's and it's too subtle for it's almost too every man and you're coming off of a guy who just like he's kind of hilarious in speed in his small little section in speed and that's like in that same era you know and and you know and I just feel like

there's just something about him that's like muted. I'm like, everyone's muted. It's, it's, it's, it only, I don't even get him as a city slicker. The movie, I just get him as a guy who wants to be like, oh, I want to say, he wants to go to bed. He wants to have sex with his very beautiful wife. The weird thing is I don't understand, like the moment, the big moment, like the, the, there's a spider in the barn and like his wife wants him to see it. And on the way to the barn, he tells the whole story about his arachnophobia. At DePaul's point, I don't know if that's a funny scene.

scene. I don't know if that's a scary. Like when I was a kid, I was a little baby. Like the way it's just, he's just talking about it. Like he's just ordering food. You know what I mean? Like it just, it doesn't have any gravitas to it. No, but also the most frightening story. I mean, it's also a fucked up weird story.

It's like, I, you remember as a baby, like a two-year-old baby, a spider crawling up here. Like, it's also like, what? Like, it's a real reach. But I'm also like, that image is more scary than anything in this movie. like the image of a spider crawling up a baby like a someone who's like paralyzed but like that's beautiful image i agree not well told but that's why i think if you see it in a flashback because like this is movie you can look at things and like he's just talking yeah steve like he's ordering

off a menu like if you see it and like yeah get a little prop spider or something and it's crawling on a baby or a two-year-old and the other you the kids got like sleep paralysis or some shit like then you then the movie can tell you like it's scary because of light you and the music changes and something like that. That's the thing is if you fuck that up though it looks so ridiculous. Yeah. Also true. It would take your film if you didn't like

and like it's so like it's so strangely intimate the story like him talking about the hairy leg going out over his flesh and all that stuff. And I like I think the issue with him really is that like it's and it's weird because it's Spielberg is involved we were talking about how he's not

connected to his kids like it is really weirdly about a man connection to what he owns like he doesn't he doesn't really have a moment with his kid where he's like yeah you know the soccer team sucks I'm sorry about that or like you know like oh honey I'm sorry

like ballet didn't work out for you even something like that I don't know either of their names I remember Bunny Beachwood because that they say her name more than they say either of their names well because that's a little child named Bunny and she's not some like 70 year

old Floridian Beach Dillett And that neighbor girl blows up frogs with explosives, as mentioned. I'll watch that. That would be nice, nice image. She should fight back the spiders with some explosives towards you. I also just think it's like, they tell you that story for the end. It's the same moment. Spider crawls up his leg.

But it's like, why do we need to recreate that same? I almost like, I just, spiders creep me out, they're gross, I don't like them, fine, and then you create that moment where we're actually seeing it, so you're basically doing two things, it's like, and I get like you want to set the table, but it's like, it's also like, I don't know,

just be like, I don't like them, I'm grossed out by them, and then you're put in this moment, instead of having a traumatic experience with a spider, and then the movie ends with you having a traumatic experience with a spider. It's the same fucking thing, it's the same thing. He even says the he goes, he looks at the camera and goes,

who therapy and I'm like I know dude I know I'm watching a movie it's fine it also doesn't help man when the wife is like dragging him to the barn and he starts like getting into it and she's like like there's absolutely no opportunity for any fear or tension here because she just cuts it all with like oh yeah yeah the incident we've all heard you talk about and I'm like all right I guess it's not that big of a deal lady whatever yeah I guess maybe you could tell that story like in a Because they're walking across their lawn, right? Do it at night.

Tell a story. Like, pull her in. Like, tell, like, a ghost story. Like, that's the thing. It's like there are these, like, small mist, like, very simple, missed connections. It's all there. It just hit me. We're talking about Spielberg and everything.

This is kind of like this movie's opportunity for the Indianapolis monologue. Yes, yes. But you just dump it at the front of the movie. movie, it should be like, we're in like the battle with these spiders and he's like, you know, here's a fucked up story about spiders, I'll tell you right now. And like, the movie kind of stops, but it's still, you're already scared

because the movie's actually in motion at that point. So even though it stops for him to just talk, it's still scary. The Phoebe Kate's Christmas monologue in Gremlin. You know what I mean? 100%. Perfect. But no, I'm sorry, but aren't you interested in Doctor v. Doctor?

Come on, the Metcalf versus Daniels. Let's go. We should. I should quickly mention that Manly has been taken to this funeral home and there is a cat that tries to eat a sandwich and I'm like, is this the only movie where a cat is trying to eat a sandwich? Dude, I suppose I said, is this

the only movie you see a cat trying to steal a BLT? Because I think that's what's going on here. The trope of like the Undertaker that can just put whatever in his mouth, no matter how horrible the body in front of him is, man, that's a trope I'll never appreciate it. I like it too, Paul.

I really enjoy the guy. I just always want to throw up like oh don't you know you know the funeral directors are making fun of you while they're undressing you and they're putting like my dentist will like just put the equipment on my on my chest like it's a plate so imagine what they're doing to the dead sure there's something about it where it's like you know that a piece of lettuce is falling into somebody's body or you know yeah exactly grandma had a bunch of fucking baked leg crumbs all over that but you know someone is buried with a mcnugget for sure oh yes Several ruffles, maybe a whole bag, who knows?

What's worse is the Undertaker that drops the nugget in and then is like, eh, fuck it and grabbed it and still eats it anyway. Live a life, got to live a life. I like, I do love the bird that gets murdered by the spider. The bird picks up this enormous fucking spider. By the way, there's a couple of cuts of this movie, and I think it's a better movie. Again, it's closer to be a movie. Just have the spider talk. Like, the spider looks at the camera, you know what I mean?

Like, you might as well just do it. Get, like, get Dom de Louise or someone in there. Just, just really just have fun with it. Well, that's what it is, dude. Maybe he doesn't talk, but he's just got that dumb Deloese laugh. So, like, when he's noticing all of the people, like, scared by all the spider antics, it cuts to that cute close-up of the spider eyes. You just hear like, he's just laughing at him.

It would be great. I got to eat this bird. I could use a go-my minions when all the spiders, like, descend up. Upon the town, which is a great moment. The Spider's a fan of Wizard of Oz, absolutely. I also love that. What was the logic of it? Well, if they go here, then they go to every town,

and then America's over. It's like outbreak. They create an outbreak scenario. And when you see the side of the spider, you're like, that spider, like, they're not creating zombies. Like, that's the other thing, too. It's like, oh, they kill everything. It's like, I'm sure, like, a flamethrower would take care of a majority.

Like, you might, maybe you'll burn an entire town. at worst. But I don't see it like becoming an epidemic. No. Long socks could stop these things. Honestly, you know what I mean?

Very woolly. You got to get them very thick, though. And I think the whole thing is, is that they get way too into like what the breeding patterns of this fucking spider is because they're like,

the spider bred with a house spider to create this version of the spider, but then they are going to create a different kind of super spider that will do this world's domination thing that like the mother is creating on, the queen is creating on its own. Right. Very

strange. Yes, there's a spider's sex scene in this. There is. It's tasteful and it's really nice. There was an intimacy coordinator on set for the spiders. Everybody was totally comfortable with it. Madam Webb was there. It took three weeks to shoot

it, but they got it. I will say the IMDB is very particular in the trivia section about letting you know how they did not kill a single spider. anytime there's a book that crushed it there was a hole that the spider was comfortable inside of it Oh they have so many things

They're all more Help well you know one more helpful than the next Honestly the IMDP trivia Great resource I mean all sorts of information I also think that there's something like as we're describing it And you go all right I didn't see this movie but I'm listening to you talk about us talk about it

You go oh it's a B movie and I'm realizing well John Goodman is the only one playing that and I think that that's the thing it's like all the elements are there for it to be a B movie but it's played like a straight drama and I think that is really like

I think that it's weird it's like but that really feels to be the issue because all like as we describe it oh yeah spider sex scene there's this there they could take over the world all this stuff is so dumb and so heightened but it just played so like so i don't know it's like yeah i just played so so straight

you never you never want a straight grounded b movie and arachnophobia proves it i will say because now uh the the detail about oh and if they get out they'll take over the world reminded me this movie is so running parallel to a i think better uh william shatner 1970s b movie called kingdom of the spiders right which is like it's basically the same thing. Like a weird breed of spider gets into this town and like the town is being consumed in cobwebs. It's kind of great

and the ending is very 1970s. And everyone in that movie, Shatner included understands the assignment. This movie, John Gimman's the only one that gets. By the way, if you want to, there's another movie Bats, very similar to better movie Bats. Right, yes. You know, which is also

I think a fun movie, like oddly a fun movie. Because everyone's on the same page. We know it's bats. fucking bats. Right. Like when they take out that map and it's like this is where

the spiders, I need the spiders to take out a map too. This is where we're going. Hot shots, part due levels, gags is what I'm looking for here.

I mean, like, to know, to what you say, I just, I watched Kingdom of the spiders today, Andrew, on your recommendation.

Oh, and like, what is interesting about it is like, yeah, at the beginning, they kill, a spider kills

Willie Stroats cow. And like, they're doing all these weird, like, from the spider's POV like going rushing towards the cow and like the cow going like it's goofy as shit

and it's exactly the tone that they should be here with this but they I feel like they really did have to give like a family center to it somehow even though it doesn't really have the elements and the guts of it they were just like we have to give the basic form of it at least

to sell it I don't know you have Spielberg and Marshall involved I wouldn't think you have to sell this thing but whatever I really do, I do wonder. And, I mean, is it a better movie if you make it after Jurassic Park where they have access to, like, CGI? Because we also are left with this ending that, you know, when we build up to it, you're like, oh, okay. Like, you know, like, the majority of the movie is done in the reflection of the spider's eyes.

Like, I'm like, oh, no. You got to let them loose in, like, a movie theater or something. like you like this like literally the whole ending is like ew yeah right ew ew and just like patting your chest and like waving and I'm just like, I don't care. I've been watching that for the last fucking two hours. Are you serious? Right, there's no heightening to it. And that's why I was like when I heard they were doing a remake without having watched

the original in like decades, I was like, ooh, great idea. Like Twister. You know, it's like, oh, great idea. And again, it's like, oh, you go back in. But now I'm like, I don't know if they could make it the way that you would want to make it, which is like I think you got to make it funny. I think you just have to make like twister and twisters can work. Those are scary things.

Spiders are scary to. to a certain extent, but it's like, play into the idea, big giant spider, you know, it's like, there's elements that could just be fun, and I think it's like a funny, it's like, you can make a funny, it's like Sean of the Dead. You do that for this, and that would be actually a great take on it, I think.

Well, because then the town is the joke, right? Like, everybody's kind of dull or stupid or whatever, and like, every, you let, and this movie is full comic actors, let them sing a little bit, you know what I mean, as opposed to just sort of like, almost get there, but then back off, you know what I mean?

like the football dad who everyone in this family plays football and the girl I do like the what are you to study in college Becky oh Jim it's funny right you know what I mean that is a great answer yes yeah no I mean I would love to see more like if we want to reboot some of these things

like keep the beness to them honestly something that stemmed from a reboot Paul that I believe you were in both of them those piranha remakes like can you imagine if there was like a grounded fucking piranha remake like you know i i will go to bat for alex aja because i think alice aja like really he's figured it or i'm i was actually talking to his producing partner about this the other day he made a great movie with piranha 3d in the sense that he knew exactly what it was

the 3d element of it but it still was like funny and horror and it like and it had all these great actors in it fun like boom prana 3dd that's i i could tell you all story about what is but that he has no involvement in no one no one has any involvement just me and thing rames um and uh and and how often do you get to say that though yeah exactly amazing just me and thing um but but he also did that gator movie right or the sewer gator or whatever it was out sasha did that it was like the quentin tarrantino's like favorite movie of like two years ago it was basically a giant alligator in the sewers uh i think it might just been called gator um not the bert reynolds film but uh you know but uh it was like a sewer gator movie

movie. And I'm like, yeah, that's about what you need. Crawl. That's it. Oh, yeah. I like crawl quite a bit. Yeah. I forgot that's him. Yeah, that is very good. But yeah, have the tension. Because again, look, that's the things. You're not getting the scares or or and you're not being silly enough. Again, it's just this. And I mean, I think it's probably with the Jeff Danielsness of it all because I think Jeff Daniels for the most part, unless he's like really going broad like dumb and dumber will be very grounded and very like lived in and just sort of like that's his mode because that's the kind

of actor he is which is a good actor but it's also not what this you want someone a little broader and a little have a little more fun again if you send to this on John Goodman and his big fucking trombone music I know exactly what movie I'm watching it I'm enjoying it oh absolutely

a legit scary part like terrifying part of this movie when they have the welcome Dr. Jennings party like he meets this old lady who's like oh I can be your one patient. I'll throw you, welcome to town party, yada, yada, yada. You guys got a look at this tray of clearly has been

sitting out deviled eggs that is being presented. Oh, you're going to be making some fucking doctor calls after those, man. That was disgusting. I love how they cut that from it starts. It's where we finally see the pulsating egg sack, so evil eggs

to deviled eggs. I'm like, that's a little fun. I see it. Somebody's having a little fun here. That's like a Joe Dante joke, by the reason. Speaking of Corona like that's kind of into that. Yeah I would be into that. Well you know like again and not to keep on being like well could it be better but why not? Grimlins is a

perfect example of like a movie that Grimlins is exactly this it's like you if you just made it like Joe Don't yeah Joe Dante would make the they direct the shit out of this. Yes definitely because what the hell was he doing in 1989 when this movie was oh I guess he was probably prepping Gremlins too.

I also I also yeah that's a goal you know leave him alone to do the Lord's work let him cook let him cook yeah that's right I also think like these spiders have no personality. I know that's funny to say, but it's like, I do think that you need some type of, oh, that's this spider. That's this, like small, small, whatever. I'm not saying put a hat on it like like like like Grimlins.

Not saying, you know, put this one in a mini leather jacket. Although I do want to make that animated movie one time, just like the tailor for the Grimlins. Hello, my honey. Hello, my baby. I mean, we keep saying B movie. I think honestly Jerry Seinfeld's B movie

versus a racketed now we're making something happen There you go Yeah If these spiders were bee bopping and scatting like Barry B. Benson

is in that movie man Now you got yourself an antagonist on your hands And romance tell you Got to be the romance giant women Yeah

Spider dating a human woman would be fantastic I'm really into that I'd be really I don't think that was what eight-legged freaks is about But that was

That shower seeds do it for somebody I was surprised by that. I was shocked. The underbub that we're doing in the middle of this family feature. And also like the girl's supposed to be like 17, 18. It's a kind of a weird moment in the movie.

Well, the camera is ready to go downtown. I was like, what are we doing here? This is, as I've been watching movies with my kids, this is something I'm finding that really is not happening in movies that are rated this now. But back then, you had a lot of freedom. Like in the amount of shit they say, in Adventures in Babysitting,

a movie in which the catalyst is a Playboy magazine, right? It's a kid's movie. And it's like, oh, we got to get that Playboy magazine back. And then there's a scene at the end of that movie where, you know, a little bit of she was trying to get her friend

at the bus station and like a long story show. They're on the way back to the house. They get her from the bus station. And Anthony Rapp is in the backseat with the girl who's passed out. And as she's passed out, he like lifts up her jacket, like to check out her boob. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,

why are we going to come purving out but these movies had like a lot of like purving out or like ooh and I don't know what that was like we're gonna get a little titillating here it's like you you're like oh what a rascal he's committing sex crimes yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah this is like a moment to wake your dad up I guess if you brought you to the theater

is kind of like it's just like oh teen girl taking the shout dad wake up it's like yeah right well well because like the first like after the party like we like Margaret is like the one cool person to Jeff Daniels everybody else hates Margaret likes them she sees that he's just trying to get a foothold in this godforsaken town and she's like okay here's a beautiful party okay let me clean up after all these like fucking Irv and Claire nearly fucking took all my food from me yeah that's kind of a funny joke she's like oh would you like a bag for all of that and they say no no no we'll just we'll put it in the

back seat with all her other's hop this isn't even going to make it to the end of the driveway. But like to me, like this is so emblematic of what's wrong with this movie is like she sits down and we know that

the spider is in the house because it's about to eat the cat but then she takes the cat and thank God the cat is spared. For now. For now. Yes, for now. But she sits down

and like she starts doing like a widow at like this at sea fucking monologue. Yes. With this thing and I'm like what movie do you think you would have gotten too drunk and like felt

up the girl from next door and I would have loved it and like you would have had too much punch and been the life of the party. Yes, yes. That is what it's it's got to be that boring because it's just if you were saying that shit that would make it kind of closer

to the movie it should be and then you'd cut to the picture of the dead husband and it's some wacky scenario he's in like in the photo but this is like a real like wispy like oh I miss and I'm about to be comically killed by this spider, but all this emotional moment.

These monologues, they really do pop up a lot, and it's like, you know, it's, and I feel like a good horror movie has one. Like, one, like, that's my story. And it's like, we don't need that story from that person. Like, that's right, again, it doesn't do anything. It's sort of like, it's like, you know, it's like everything that, like there should have been a pass on the script or like,

did they give him the script that, like, oh, yeah, we actually did pass. We got it really tight Spielberg signed off on it. the guy we lost a photocopy of that just give me old script like it's like it feels like there should have been like somebody should have done a pass what Spielberg is like wait we left the old lady

talking to the picture in the movie I thought we cut that I specifically have to cut that no no no excuse me we show her die the little spider hits her hand and she says owie okay that it's fine it's just fine kills were a little and more involved or something because she just goes to turn off the light and the spider drops on her hand and that's it how about

you know she goes all the way upstairs spider gets her. Now we're falling down the stairs. You know what I mean? Now we're moving. Oh, yeah. Like eight legs come up and like push her. Well, look, gremlins have the consideration to toss that old lady out the window.

Oh, that's a great scene. I fly out on that chair. It's one of the best. Like that's you'd be remembering arachnophobia for that. Do we really get, I guess because I'm not remembering it, it's not great. Spider-P-O-V? Do we get a lot of spider? We don't really get a spider POV in this, do we? I'm not explicitly. towards the end there are some shots you could argue are I guess

but like I don't none of them stuck out the way that like even the one in the beginning of Kingdom of the Spiders is way more memorable because it's much more like clunky than this like it's a little too polished at the end think about that POV it could be like because they have crazy eyes multiple yeah multiple yeah you get like multiple shots of the same frame but you could also like sympathize with the spider on someone because the way that they present the spider here He's like, no, the spider is intent on world domination. But if you showed like a spider looking at the humans and feeling like scared,

like if you felt like scared, that's a cooler. I think at least gives you something. It's not like the spider, you've given him such a sentience of like, I must take over the world. They're calling him the general. They're giving him military ranks. I think part of that, like I think you can pull that off. Not to knock it

It's the late 80s You're getting this movie going Limited-ish budget, sure I think if the effects Budget was a little more And you could do things like Have the Prop Spiders kind of react Better, you know

You might kind of have something there Yeah Because the next one to get it Is the old doctor And he's like he's on his treadmill And like you know his wife was like Oh put shoes on And you know the spiders in the shoe

You know what I mean Like that Because that makes more sense like, that's what spiders would do. Spider would be like, oh, fuck, a big toe, I'm going to bite you. As opposed to, like, these things are, like, literally looking for humans to kill, which actually makes no sense biologically. It doesn't give them food.

You know what I mean? Like, the one that knows, it knows to crawl into the kid's football helmet. Exactly. Like, oh, someone's going to put this on at some point. Yeah. The football helmet thing, the real horror, big horror scene is Jeff Daniels giving the entire football team of physics. Oh, that scene is like, it's so upsetting.

And again, but that's like, that's like, kind of this thing like is that funny is that funny? Right. It's like it's a little creepy it's like it's not funny enough to be funny and it's kind of like I just feel like oh this guy just move back to San Francisco like get the fuck out of here man you're miserable it's like it's neither funny

nor scary or anything it's just it's just like him filling out paperwork it's like yeah he yeah he needs to be riffing like I just I had the thought right now like if it was Bill Murray as this doctor every one of those kids would get a different line

as he gives the exam. And Jeff Daniels is just kind of like he's sort of actually funny of speaking to speed. He's got that same facial expression right before he's blown to smithereens just this kind of like, well okay, next next, next. If you gave

one kid a congratulations, that'd be pretty funny. Yeah. Just get anything. Very nice. Wow. Yeah. I just love that it's not private at all. It's like everyone take your dicks. Yeah, come And it, and he seems to, like, they all seem to be just standing astique to ass teak naked. Yes.

And he's like, dope, dope, like, it's like, I've never seen, yeah, I've never seen such a, like, not even the military even gives you, like, at least a couple inches of space. Like these guys, like this guy. And he's also not washing his hand. It's like, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. And that's the thing is you would have, so, if you had a, like, a Joe Dante, they'd bring the humor out at least in this scene. But, like, you are really just supposed to be like, God, this guy's.

job sucks and like that's the whole thing you're supposed to get from it is like I mean it drives you crazy because you're like I would like to know anything else about this person at this point I'd take a carry uh gym class thing give me some just give me a emotion please yes please I would enjoy uh yeah so now the kids dead he's got he's doctor death uh he's he's he's I like this old doctor Jenning sorry but at the at the kids funeral this old bastard talking shit at the funeral at the cemetery like this kid's not even lowered into the ground yet this guy's like you know they say Jennings

looked at him last you know Jesus Christ dude shut your old mouth he touched his nuts that's why he's dead I mean that was the dumbest like oh we got to keep on tying him to killing people it's like he didn't he was in the same space

I mean it's so oh my god the spiders should start framing him in some way he's being arrested the spider visions watching him be arrested Eric, wouldn't you know it, man, right when this old bastard has bit on the foot, who is he screaming for his wife to call, but Dr. Jennings? Oh, it looks like the spider came home to roost, motherfucker.

The great revenge of Dr. Jennings and this, because he wants to get autopsies on people, and no one will allow it. And then he's like, okay, we're cutting up this old doctor who hated it the most. He's the first to get chopped up. Got to see his chewed up corpse. The great James Handy shows up for a little bit. I like him in this movie. is this like coroner guy

who's kind of just a bit gruff and again again very B movie because now there's a whole team of dudes walking around including this the sheriff who is a bastard who by the way his Stuart Pankin another great character actor

you know always kind of playing the same part but love him I love him but he apparently dies in the movie but they cut it out of the movie like why like you cannot apparently he was driving a car and he gets hit by his get killed by a spider that's the one I want see. Well, but you know what happened though with that was a spider

was driving a car and didn't turn on his blinker. Oh, that's what happened. So it was more of, it was more of an, it was his fault. He swirved. But Stuart Pankin's character is in that laundry list of like the people who are shitty to Jeff Daniels at the beginning of this movie.

And movie law tells me, I'm entitled to see every one of those people die hilariously. And the fact that they filmed that and cut it like you're not even at two hours baby let that car flip over on screen yes i mean and by the way you can't set up a nemesis there's like 10 or not even 10 there's like seven nemesis in the town like kill them all like you can't like you can't and i mean you're under two hours maybe cut out one of one creaky porch scene how about that right yeah we know that the porches are creaky and that the sunlight hits them

just the right way let's get a fucking kill in there please well no we're gonna get a we're gonna watch the daughter book smushes one and then all this talk my god in a movie this slow and this boring you are literally asking where are the crickets it's so nuts to me

to even bring this up I'm like I would not even think about this because I am about to go to sleep anyway even the crickets fell asleep man no but they're being eaten I do this experiment sometimes when I'm watching a movie and I'm like this is slow and I'll go one one two five speed you know like uh you know and it goes a little faster I'm like

I don't notice any difference and I go to like one five speed and I still didn't notice any difference it took up to two until I noticed like and that's and that's a sign that like their voices aren't even being fucked up and modulated like they're like it's slow like I said uh I was talking to Amy Nicholson and I had watched um uh Independence Day on one uh 1.2 speed and I was like oh that's the way to do it. It's just getting it just a little like we just don't need all that time

like it's just like we just need it a little bit quicker because it's it's wild like how this movie on fast speed was still falling. Well because I mean at least Independence Day people are part of the slowness like people are looking at really cool

spaceship and we're just going like whoosh and we're really enjoying the camera moves here it's just like it's like we're walking across the lawn we're in this town you know walking across the football field which is also another lawn

so you got that yeah there's way too much time of him just watching that football game before that kid does and this is not like I mean this movie isn't a hit right I mean this wasn't like we're not wrong like this is not like yeah this movie

was kind of a flop I feel like this did really well on video though like 30 million on VHS Yeah, I think it really blew up there. And that's exactly where I didn't see this in theaters. I mean, I was like seven at the time. My parents would have brought me to it, you know, whether that's a good thing or bad.

Worldwide gross is 53 million. Like, that's U.S., Canada and world. 53 million. So for VHS to make 30 is. That's pretty hope. But that's a perfect, you're right. Like, this is a perfect movie for parents to like rent and be like, oh, my kennel like this. Yeah.

Like, yeah, they like this dumb shit. that's one one Friday off the board we got it we're through one more Friday my parents did that at least we don't have to fucking get drop dead Fred again Chris I think I made my parents watch that so they punished me by putting this on

yes it's possible I love when uh when Jeff Daniels calls Julian Sands and he's like hey man you're like the world's expert about spiders and I think there's a new form of spider killing people in my town and this dude's response is like oh isn't that always the case people love blaming spiders for things and i was like what are you

talking about how many accusations are spiders getting every day this is like the funny shit that like it's like we don't even need to get that crazy about it like you know it's like i mean i think what you just do to make it again a little bit better is you show that the guy dies but you show some like because they don't they don't realize he was bitten by or do they realize he was bitten by a spider in the Amazon? No, they think he had a heart, because he had a heart first, like, yeah, he's like, oh, you just whatever. So if you reveal, like,

the spider did it, and he's like, oh my, these spiders are deadly. Like, if he, if he has that realization, and then the secret is, oh, the spider, like, hidden his mouth or hidden the, you know, like something, then it's like, oh, no. Like, you know, it's like, like, at least puts him on the same page, but to have to convince this

guy who is an expert in it and has firsthand knowledge of it's like, as an audience, it's tiring right come on dude it's not like the local uh like a natural history museum worker it's like he was there that's like get him on board immediately like well like improv rules like if someone's like oh uh why do you check out my my i think the spider is killing everyone in my town could you come by tomorrow it'd be great it's a horrible improv move to go to your partner be like yeah i'll send my assistant you know what i mean it's like no no no you have to go like you know what

let's let's get this moving as opposed to like tag in somebody else just before I get there when you know you're going to get there because you're a fucking movie star the other person isn't slow the movie down and reestablish how important this spider doctor is he's very busy

but he's got his Chris Chris Collins is the assistant that comes in and they introduce this guy I swear to God this is them making a jerk off joke when we first see him he's like doing this but like he's doing it from the like

abdomen up and he's like jerking noise like oh yeah and it goes down and it turns out it's foosball I see

and I'm just like is that supposed to be a joke like that's a record yeah like that's the only thing I can think but it doesn't land I'm just like

I had to think about it for a minute to be like oh I guess that's kind of like jerking off but this is like this is like again this is like the PG 13

like creepy people behind the camera like you know it's funny you think and it's like you know There is that element. Like all these movies have like the purve meter is on. It's on and it's like everyone's like joke.

It's like, you know, it's why we have that reputation as like, oh, Hollywood like the casting cast. It's like that mentality is like just lurking. Like some producers on set being like, yeah, maybe he's jerking off, right? It's good. They ain't going to know to cut that out. Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, it's like, we'll sneak one by them.

and P-A-A I just want to see his face do that for a little bit Can he sweat? Can you get some sweat on him? Because I would love that. It is also hilarious that this dude manly, like when Jeff Daniels calls Julian Sands, he's like, hey, I'm Dr. Jennings from wherever the fuck California. And this dude like doesn't put it together

that like, oh, that guy manly from wherever the fuck California that was just dead on my exhibition. And that's why I think you wanted to also just have him understand like right away like oh we're sending him back to so-and-so like you know yes yeah like they don't even like they have a 20-minute opening where our at least our main character of the opening is even clueless about what happened in the opening like it's not good storytelling julian sans seems to like forgot that some guy died or does he go through people this fast yeah i know right it's like it does it all seems like this movie takes place within i

it'd say no more than 10 days. Yes. Right. Yeah. It doesn't feel that long. Yeah. It would be great. I thought he's from Miami because he's a big dolphins fan. All I remember. That's all I remember about him is the dolphins cap. Could you check for the cap? Is that there still?

Because I would know that. I mean, I do like that. They do immediately get Collins when he comes to the town. They get him into the morgue and they all see the fucking bites immediately. And they're like, all right. Now we can fucking the rubber can meet the road. Maybe we can start this movie. Maybe. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Indeed.

The only way you really get John Goodman back into this movie is not due to the main characters at all. It's the football coach after the shower incident calls him to go through the house and you're like, thank you for calling John Goodman back into this movie.

Like breathing anything into this movie, man. Well, by the way, I heard that he was the only hold over in the legacy sequel for the new one. John Goodman would come in. That's the move and he should be front and

center. Oh, it should only be about him. He's still great. He could still pull it off. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. He has to teach them how to make the private stock. Yes, exactly. Because that's the only way to really get these fuckers out is to give him the private stock. I do want to say about that

first scene with him when he comes in and he says like, oh, wine collector. I care. I collect beer cans myself I've got a good one with a misprint on it The thing that brings him in there is so Jeff Daniels is putting nails through his fucking floor

And like not I'm not kidding you like Maybe six feet from his kids And like he goes up there To like we got rotted wood down here And he doesn't fix the nails That are like The kid can trip at any moment You're right

He immediately goes and checks on the neighbor that's when we find out what Margaret but I'm just like this like I understand because I didn't think about it it was like oh because John Goodman's so good I'm just going to watch him but then otherwise I'm like wait a minute aren't you isn't everybody going to get like the Daniel Stern treatment

from home alone eventually from this one right through the foot I do like the John Goodman gets it in I'm bad which is a definite trailer line I remember that being a little kid being like ooh John Goodman thinks he's bad in this movie it's the exterminator movie it's not um well you know that they probably at one point when they're they're testing it they're like it's the exterminator movie we're gonna we're gonna make it we'll trick

them into it it is that is what it is people it was just that first cameo like with jeff daniels at the like whatever 40 minute mark in the movie and they were like oh we got to reshoot this whole third act with the exterminator guy oh yeah he's testing through the route because yeah the third act basically they finally get julian sands his ass into this into the town yeah They have to beg him. The assistant has to beg him and plead with him. Like, could you please be in the movie, dude? Like, it's almost over.

I mean, when are you going to be in the movie, Julian? I don't know. Well, there's that scene where the, uh, where the sheriff almost eats the dead one and they capture the live one. That scene takes forever. It's a long, long time. And like, I don't feel tension through like most of it, which is what you would want from it.

But like, the only time you get is when they're capturing the live one and it's Collins and Jeff Daniels at the same time. And Jeff Daniels does the most. brave thing of the world he takes a step forward Chris he suffers from arachnophobia that's a hard step from to take but I mean like this movie is like tension for dummies it's like

oh do they know what's happening oh I'll just give them one more shot to make sure they know it okay it's definitely coming it's yeah it's coming oh oh one more just one more shot one more one more it really is like that's what's I think annoying about it is like they don't trust the audience to be like we got it it's that's there it is

And that's where it is. And so they're all there. They think it's all, they think it's in the morgue because that's where, that's where Manley was brought. Little did they know a bird brought him to Jeff Daniels's house. So they're going there. This is when they find what's his, what's a phrase with the Drew Carey show. I love this idea that they watch Wheel of Fortune and they turn, you take your phone off for

the wheel. That is some of it. Especially in the 90s. That's, that's all anyone can get to you. you is the phone that's also very like uh i think all these movies at groundhog day like they're all watching jeopardy like it's like that that is a time where people like no no no like i can't pause my tv i'm gonna give me these 30 minutes and what a beautiful time right where like one of your greatest joys as the town undertaker is phone off the hook for a show that airs five days a week

and you're making popcorn presumably every night i mean he's asking the lady if she wants the real or the fake butter so you know that option is back and forth depending upon which day of the week we're watching I also think by the way real butter we're having sex tonight fake butter we're not having sex tonight like that's kind of it's an early it's an early

informant system yeah well the fake butter tastes better but I'm less horny and I have shit it's immediate oh well I guess it's just popcorn for me tonight exactly all right that's the wheel let's go with the wheel

yay I do like the of the puppet dude with the spider coming out of his nose. That's kind of, I mean, like, that's almost, not a jump, as close to a jump scare as this movie, yeah. Yeah, no, or, I mean, it's just, it's a nice kind of like grossish moment in what should be

a B movie that's filled with grosser moments than we have in years. So, like, yeah, I love that, dude. I love that you can see clear as day that that's a puppet and nobody gives a shit, like, everybody is in it. Like, that puppet and John Goodman are the only people that understood the assignment.

And one's a puppet. Well, that's it like, that's the cool. That's the promise of the premise. Like, I want to see more webs and people cotton webs and people's faces fucked up. Like, I love when you see his body in that coffin in the beginning. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. It's not even gory. It's kind of cool.

It's like, it's something. Well, it's a promise that is not kept. I'm like, this is what happens to people that get by this spider. Cool. It's like, yeah, but we don't want to talk about it. Oh, all right. But, like, I mean, it's scary. you should it's really it's really upsetting what happens what is it like i don't want i don't want to get

it really but i mean really but i mean oh yeah it's gonna fuck you up it's gonna be right even when they like synthesized the venom out of one of these dead ones and put it on the mouse it is you could have really played that scene up somehow it's it was the mouse close the score the score is dead too like actually eric to your to your question yes it's a weird they give a little fake injection to the mouse and then they put it down out of frame and it goes and then they all look like well it died and i was like come on yeah give us something i want to see a mouse spot this movie must have been like and this is what i can at least give it the benefit of the insanity of animal wranglers and shit on this they must be like yes you know just pull

it off thing some of these don't a little camera you take it we'll put a sound effect in like it just it does feel like tired the whole thing feels like just like yeah yeah well let's go let's go let's go it's like the slow like when we have to learn about like well actually they're drones and you understand it's a general thing like you for the fifth time you're explained the idea that these

spiders are going to take over the world and like but this is a new special way they're drones now I guess and by the way let me just say one thing this concept that they are explaining so like oh my gosh you'll never believe this is like bees

bees we know about bees are This is the same thing as bees. Wait, wait. They might not know about the bees. Let's tell them ants are similar to. Let's tell them about the ants. I think to that kingdom of the spiders movie, and there's no explanation. It's just sat and are going, these spiders are going to take over the world.

And you understand that that's the threat. And, you know, he's not like the general spider is coming after me. There's none of that goofy stuff. He's the one with epaulets on. We don't need, like, and that's the thing. We don't need much of anything to, like, let us buy into a dumb movie like this. And I'm a big believer in this, like, and it's, and I think I can complain about it now, like, when you're trying to sell stuff or make stuff, there's so many things. It's like, I always talk about, like, the original home alone versus home alone, the new home alone, right?

It's like, well, we can never put, like, a kid fighting off criminals because that's too, well, the criminals, they may, well, what's their heart? Oh, man. Are they misunderstood? you know it's like it becomes like this we got to explain it all. All we need to be is like kids home alone somebody tries to break in he tries to stop. That's it simple simple simple but we like get

lost in the sauce of like well we need to understand and all this like we don't you just tell us that they're coming we got it. They're the wet bandits that's all I need to know. That's it that's the movie because now it's empathy porn. Now it's like you you are understanding everything. Doesn't that make you feel good

that you understand these people too? I'm like no I just want a fun villain can you give me that please well that's and that's the fun of i think the fun of horror is watching assholes get killed dumb people get killed and you have no emotional attachment to it it's like the difference between hereditary hereditary fuchs me up i'm too connected to people and i see death i'm like yikes i got it but also don't need to see it but like the jason fray he's like oh here's a dumb kid he's having sex gets had dropped off great i'm like i don't i have any of no emotional investment it's the fun in this movie it's like it doesn't have that

the kill assholes, killed jerks. That's what makes it fun. Go ahead. Another one of my favorite killed movie is, what you're called there, is Jillian Sands, who is, I mean, like, really confident. He's in the barn. We've talked about the general spider.

He believes this spider will take over the world. And he is just slapping at this, at the web, like, dinner's ready. I'm like, do you have a gun? Do you have a knife? He's like cop knocking on that spider's door. exactly this character's final words on this earth

are come and get it and this thing does and it bites him literally like a vampire right in the neck which is and we do we actually see the the pincers go in which is kind of cool right that stuff's pretty cool when they do that I mean they do that maybe three times and like each one I'm like okay there's something

there's something and then when Goodman finds him though he's got a great oh my God they killed the professor which is a great John Goodman Delivery of that line. Great in this barn when he's like, hello,

trick or treat. Uh-huh. I just need him like to have half a hamburger hanging out of his mouth while he's doing this. I do love that they, this spider murders Gillian Sands and then immediately webs him up. Is he going to eat him like piece by piece?

Like that's going to take a long time. That's what they do with smart Alex, dude. They don't like them. It is crazy that it had the string to pull an entire human body up into the rafters of this barn I mean again like you are promising something you cannot deliver

when we finally see the spider and we do get like to the point like we see the eyes we get like that nice shot of like the fire going over the spider's eyes a little bit like that's kind of cool the spider just wants to watch the world burn and if he's weaving up

Julian Sands he better be the relic he better be that size I need him to be that size that's why like they keep talking like the queen this the queen that or whatever you should in the spirit of B movies have it just be this gigundo thing like imagine because I just rewatched aliens the other night and like we get to the queen scene and like it works so well because the queen puppet is so much bigger than the other xenomorphs like this is like oh the queen is just the same size if smaller than the general yeah okay what a deflation then no thank you but the queen is she's like a local girl so she's supposed to be smaller right

right right oh you're right so basically Jeff Daniel's good they realize it's in his house he goes to grab his kids this is sort of an unexciting scene where we go up the stairs it's the bathroom moment you know

like the it's kind of at the end of the shining a little bit but not with the ew ew ew so many ewes ew like that's where they're like is what what a fun way to end a movie. Ew.

Ew. Oh, God. What are we doing? What's happening there? They're chasing us. They're chasing us. When it's just pouring spiders out of everywhere. It's crazy.

Like how does this gone unnoticed this long? That kind of reminded me of what is the, is it the last segment in creep show, the first one? It's the old guy in like the germ proof room or whatever. Oh, yes. All the the the cockroaches come in. This kind of reminded me of that. Like, I had no memory of this movie at all. I had not seen it, you know, probably in 20 years plus.

And I was just like, oh, yeah, fill this house with these spiders. This is going to be awesome. Yeah. Oh, it's not creep show. Fuck. Okay. But by the way, the fun part about this movie is you can do all that. It's spiders, right?

It's not like it's not chopping people's heads off. You can lay into the creepy. And creepy that's not bloody. Creepy that's not gory. Creepy is not here. Like, the creepiest moment is her calling into the. the barn in the beginning to take a photo and bingled a spider webb.

Like that at least is creepy and the cat and the thing is creepy. But it's like the movie is light on creeps. Yeah, I mean, Jeff Daniels is fending them off with a towel and it's working well. Yes. Why not like your hair? Oh my God, there's spiders in my hair.

That's a fucking terrifying visual. You know what I mean? Like, ugh. They all get out and Jeff Daniels suplexes himself through three flights of house. Dude, never speaking of home alone, man. And this is Home Alone, too. He's falling through that fucking townhouse floor.

He's like, mankind. We got to make sure. We got to make sure his leg hurts so we can get back to that amazing remembrance of, just like when he was in utero, whenever it was. It should have been in utero. My mom was pregnant with me. And I felt a spider running over her belly, but I couldn't warn her because I was in the belly. Or she accidentally swallowed one while she was sleeping and now it's inside. I'm kind of wrestling with it.

like inner space but with spider. Oh, she was bit by a spider when she was pregnant. It's kind of like the blade origin story. And then it turns out, Jeff Daniels's half spider. And that's how he can fend them off. You can't get poisoned. That'd be nice. But yeah, this is, we also, we've set up this

amazing nail gun, Chekhov's nail gun obviously earlier in the film. That's definitely coming back. It's this last fight with both, he kills the queen and the general and they look exactly the same. Yes. To your point, like one should have an eye patch or a red streak or like I don't know something yeah give me like something

like that's like the way that they did with Grimlins they all look the same but they also don't look the same like give me something a mohawk right yeah have it missing a leg they can't both just look like old footballs with pipe cleaner yeah yeah oh I guarantee you if that remake of this is still on

I guarantee you that's the one thing they're doing they are getting crazy with all the different species and making sure they get hit all the Wikipedia pages about spiders that are out there at all the dictionaries and such. Man, this pulsating egg sack is something, huh? Yeah, it's fun. Speaking of

alien, dude, holy shit. Also, not creepy enough. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a mini it's like the toy version that you would buy of the alien egg sack. It's like, oh yeah, but in the movie it was big. But here, it's like it really is like a lunch bag.

It's tiny. It needs to be making more noises too. It's kind of pulsating, but like you can you can fix the size problem if it's like yeah you know some sort of gross viscacy sounds you know what it's missing because I do really hit that like creepy thing like what I'm missing you do need it to kill like

the doctor at some point says there's only been one other spider death around here and it was a baby a one year old got bit by a black widow or to have the teenager has to get beat like you do have to have a bad death an innocent death right like somebody had to go that wasn't supposed to go. And that would have at least set that up. Yeah, I guess that's the first one is what you're supposed to do with it.

But that I'm like, oh, it's manly. Who do I give a fuck? Right. Yeah, yeah. I know. I know. He's fighting this thing. It's like Roddy Piper and Keith David in they live.

They are just like going wall to wall with each other. Like using garbage cans. And he can't get out. Because he can't get out because he padlocked the cellar to protect his wine. Oh, yeah. There was a talk of him. padlock. That's how boring and sleepy the movie can be. We set

up padlocking the cell. He didn't one of these yokel locals fucking drinking his wine. Which he never drinks. By the way, get him drunk one night and then he has to fight a spider being drunk. Like, I mean, or like, give me like something like where he gives him like lowers his senses, his inhibitions or

something. I thought he was going to take a chug when he's fighting them like before like I thought like I'm not going to waste at all. I'll take a big chug of it here. You might die. That doesn't happen. you might die tonight have a little wine while you're fighting these guys

have one in your mouth and you're smacking it with the bottle or the other bottle or you could do the thing I mean I guess it doesn't work like this but couldn't it be awesome

if he drank a thing and then used it his mouth as a flamethrower that would have been cool like it would be that yeah I would have liked that I think that's what Jesus was Jesus was trying to do that to the Romans

but it didn't work out but instead he just cracks this wine bottle or whatever liquor bottle and then it's like this struggle to finally get to the pulsating egg to like splash it a little bit and we'll sit on fire later

the urgency even in the fight is dialed back I mean that's I like the like he tries to get out the padlock stops and bring out there was a version of this movie in which like you could really underline the fact that Jeff Daniels is obsessed with this house

and loves this house and actually was like that's all he cares about and that's what's funny about this is yeah it's being eaten by that because that's what they're setting up he's like as soon as he gets there he sees the storm door and he's like, I need a paddy lock for that. And that it's him protecting what he owns. That would be an interesting idea, but they don't give a fuck.

So it just ends up being like this sleepy horror thriller. But at the same time, his reason for leaving, sorry, his reason for leaving the town is because, like, it's not because like, it should have been, we were mugged, our house is broken into, right? A home invasion, something like, and then do a home invasion. It's like, actually that home, I prefer. like it just like give me a really they seem to just leave because they're like oh it's we just want a simpler way of life but just give me the same thing your house just your house is broken into crimes gone high i don't know and they're loaded like if this is this house a money pit like no they're just they just get out of it and they just have another beautiful apartment at the end in san francisco even better than a bar apartment it's fucking full beautiful it's wild it's gorgeous yeah it would be hilarious if there were burglars in the middle of this movie and they ended up dead in his house that would be great i would would have loved that. He does, yeah, it's the, it's the ending moment.

I love him knocking the shit out of this thing with a board. That is really, that spider goes flying. Oh, yeah. Do that as a grand slam right into that fire pit. Oh, it's awesome. The queen is like nail gun to the electrical box. Is that right? Yes, the queen's first, then the general.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then somewhere there's an ambassador spider, but I missed him. But here's, here's going to say one more time. it's so slow that board flip it's so slow it's like whatever we're watching it just yeak out

and like come on like if you did it quicker if it like he fell he fell down that spider's moving up that spider's like click click click click click click click it's like make it move quicker like there's no urgency to it's like I just stay here still for 45 seconds to a minute

when I can time it perfectly it's like it's not fun it's like it wasn't The spider thinks it can't, like, bite through khakis or something. Yes. I'm like, I got to go for the neck. I mean, I also don't buy that he's, like, so super stuck under that empty wine rack that falls on him at that point. I was like, how heavy is this furniture? He's under that thing for, like, five minutes.

No, he's playing mind games with the spider. He's like, I can't move, Spider. What are you going to do? He's like, excellent. I thought it was because his leg was all messed up. I thought it was like, I thought he had heard himself from the fall. but no I guess he's okay I don't know I mean because like he does get pulled out of there

much like the movie it is he is saved by John Goodman and he brings him out at the very end to be like very slowly like I got you here buddy let's get out of here oh I'm sure there's no other little spiders around anymore I'm sure they all died with their queen

I didn't just put this whole movie on my back all right let's go I did appreciate that the general spider came back for one last scare as a fire spider he does fire spider upgrade to the fire spider Twisted fire spider That's Gremlin's two rules man

Now you have a fire spider Why it's fire and spider I love it They're electric now too We do the whole thing Oh yeah give me some of that shit Oh absolutely Tony Randall's spider Absolutely Totally work

The thing about this movie is You're creating this spider That never has existed And yet you've done nothing to show me That this spider besides having a venomous bite That we can't experience Is anything different It doesn't look

different, doesn't feel different, doesn't act. Oh, they're like zombies in 28 days later. They're super fast. All right, that's cool. These spiders are super fast. They, uh, they are, they're translucent. Whatever they are. Give me something. Something to make them interesting. This spiders Dakota Johnson. She can see the future.

I get it. You don't know much in a movie. Very fun. My father was a photographer studying spiders when he died of a heart attack. Oh my God. My father was manly. dude that's what that's what the reboot is son of manly yeah oh please still in that town legacy sequel here he come with with a grudge no i mean and then of course immediately as soon as he gets out and like they're in safe uh they goes directly to san francisco and like he doesn't even get to his last fucking drink of wine because the earthquakes he's an earthquake of phobia now uh is the new one i guess what's the sequel is to be the edit is so funny on this though because like he gets out of the cellar john goodman's got or whatever and the wife is kind of explaining how the movie's wrapping up and she's like oh well uh you john goodman you know he got a bunch of them with his like homemade acid or whatever and also

conveniently for the story because they don't they're unable to breed or anything they don't have sex organs they're all just kind of like dying off yeah for sure like she's still speaking to jeff daniels when it just, it literally cuts her off for Tony Bennett singing I left my heart in San Francisco and this establishing shot, she's like, and another thing that happened, I left my heart.

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a character that was talking. I do appreciate that swooping shot of San Francisco. I thought where we were watching Zodiac for his second. Dude, it got me in the mood. It doesn't take much to get me in the mood for Zodiac, but that definitely did it. But then, but you know, I think it's also just the audience going like,

all right, we're done. Can we just be done? We don't need to spend more time. with these characters, like that we weren't even invested in any way. Like, I liked her, I think she's fine. You know, I actually, more than like. I think that she, but it's not for this movie.

Like, that relationship was like, it wasn't, it wasn't like, oh, well, it's great to see them out of there. I didn't even feel like she even understood what happened. No, no. I don't think she had time to. It was like, ah, my husband was screaming something, something spider, and I think the house is on fire. I have no idea what's going on.

I guess there's a spider problem, but, you know, he's all fearful anyway. probably bigger than it than it should be. I mean, I'll tell you that. But in San Francisco's, there's finally time for wine. We can finally drink wine. You couldn't in the country. So we'll have a bottle.

It's a fucking Hollywood white, rich thing. It's like, you know, about their wine cellars. I hear so many people talk about their fucking wine sellers. Like, yeah, it's like, all right. Come on. Yeah, that's what a middle America loves that. We love to hear about your bespoke wine. Get it in a paper cup and go down to the burger joint.

That's the only way I want this. If you're going to end this, end it that way. But no, they have a double earthquake. And they're worried about the wine before they're worried about the kids. So I like that. Just like the movie itself. What kids? Oh, right.

Those two. The kids. We need that dramatic moment where my daughter goes to a sleepover. And something almost happens. It comes nearly there that's going to have. And you know what? But there's no better way to wrap this up than with Jimmy Buffett trying to do the police.

Dude, yes. Was there a lawsuit there with that riff? I have no idea. What was the so called? Don't bug me. Don't bug me. Yes. The guy was a master, okay?

You know what? That song is, like, I honestly need to study that song. I weave a story. I weave a tale. It's about spiders, right? Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. Do you think any Jimmy Buffard concert,

all these parent heads? So I was like, the arachnophobia song. And he's like, I wish I had gone to watch. Listen, the man toured the world for decades. Somebody had to have shouted, the arachnophobia. By the way,

I'm going to say it one more time. Hollywood white guys are like, Jimmy Buffett's cool. Yeah, we got some Jimmy in here, man. Yeah, show people, we got it. We got this going on. Original track. I mean, look, it's going on all the soundtracks.

Now they have original tracks. We're going to have our own. Our Jimmy Buffett original track. We got Jimmy on here. Oh, man, this is going to kill it. We're going to crush it. But Jimmy Buffett feels like a guy who's like, oh, yeah, I vacationed with Kathleen Kennedy

and Frank Marshall. Yeah, a great time. Oh, 100%. And you know they probably had a great time. Oh, private gigs. Yeah. Got up to a big laugh about, oh, wouldn't it be funny if I did a spidery song for you?

Oh, we love it. Yeah, let's do it. But that is the end of arachnophobia. Fortunately, I'll say. But I will say also, I read it in my notes just here. I was reminded of it. The other thing about that reboot, James Juan affiliated

like atomic whatever the fuck Isn't it happy death day guy Chris isn't it Chris Landon? Yeah last year Yeah Chris I think he's directing it I love happy death day

Oh me too A movie Freaky's also fun Yeah Oh yeah Oh that's the Vince Vaugh Body Swap serial movie

I liked Vince Vaughn again It felt so good It was that and brawl at Cell Block 99 I was like oh my god I like him again Thank you Yeah he

I'm very curious about this new the guy who did Scrubs, what's his name? The writer of it. Craig Daniels? No, he's office. Rob or something. Rob Morris.

Bill Lawrence. Bill Lawrence. Bill Lawrence. He's got a, he's doing a, like a new detective series with Vince Vaughn as the lead, which will be interesting. And it's like that Florida, that Florida crime guy, oh, man, I'm not, it's not, it may be. Carl Hyacson. Carl Hyacin.

Sorry, wow, that was a real, I was all over the board. No details. You landed. But yeah, so I'm like, well, that could be interesting. Like, Vin, you know, Vin, not Vin Diesel, Vince Vaughn and that, it would be great. I've been looking forward to that. Vin Diesel and Araknophobia reboot would also be. I'm in.

Oh, I'm so. By the way, he's got a barn. We've seen it. He's got a barn and he could also do your end of credits title song. He is a musician. Oh, that's what we need. That's what we need. The script meeting is like, Vince,

you can't be immune to the spider bite on the first page. No spiders can bite me. I'm not afraid of spiders. By the end of it, he befriends the spiders and their family now and they have a corona together. I love it. Come on, spider.

We're grilling tonight. Let's go. You know what I can do is I can see spider bites in the dark even. I can see it no matter what. I got a special power that a man in prison gave to me through surgery. guess that movie right i think that's what was going on those are the details

but uh but that is the end of uh the arachnophobia ip at least for now we'll go around the horn here for some uh recommendations and or final thoughts paul we'll start with you and also man plug plug the book plug whatever you got going on oh yeah absolutely so uh i have a book called joyful recollections of trauma and it kind of is the not based on but it inspired by the stories that have been telling on how this get made for the last 14 years about my kind of fucked up family life. And yeah, so I would love if you got it. You could listen to it also

and has a bunch of different fun features in there. And also, that's all. That's all on a plug. Lovely to be here and that, yeah. But Paul, it's a good book. I'm halfway through it. I'm really enjoying it. Oh, thank you so much.

Particularly the nice bike story was really sending me. Oh, man. I really appreciate it. And I, yeah, it really was like a super, It was a blast to write, and I've been loving, like, just talking to people about it. So it's been great. So thank you so much. That's awesome, man.

I appreciate that. Great. Thanks, man. But the big, the big important question, man, would you recommend arachnophobia? You know, if I didn't watch it, yes. But now the damage has been done. No, I have to say a major no. And I'm bummed about that because it really is, it's a bum.

I remember it being so much better. and I do have hope. Like, I feel like maybe we'll get lucky with this Chris Landon one, right? If they actually make it. I haven't seen that much about it. But now with Twisters being successful, I have a feeling we're going to see a lot of, I feel like we're going to see like a backdraft remake. I feel like, you know, we're going to see a lot of these movies coming up.

You know, it feels ripe for the pickens because they're sequels without being sequels. It could work. I mean, it could work. This could work. And I think that's the thing that's frustrating. So no, I wouldn't recommend this. I think there are better, simpler scares. for your money.

William Shatner. Take it. Eric Siska. Yeah, you know, I do appreciate when a movie is a little slow and marinerates in a location to get a sense of the place, but it does it way too much. It never really gets going. And when it gets going, it's not enough.

And yeah, it's not a recommend for me. But I was worried about rewatching it because I was afraid of it as a child and I hadn't rewatched it since I was a kid. And therapy, I faced my fear. Steve Sadek. You know, it's too boring for it. You want to be a movie.

You want there to be, just go outrageous with it, an enormous spider. We talked about this. It's too sleepy. It's too quiet. No, thank you. Chris? Oh, I mean, I'm just going to echo what everybody else said.

But, yeah, I wish this had an idea of, I had a better idea of what they had. Like, if you knew from the outset you had a John Goodman, like that and that kind of. energy. Maybe you could have rejiggered this to a point that it works. But like, you don't. You're stuck with this very, like, white family life that you're kind of bored with. And like, you wish you had something better and you don't. And then, yeah, I can't say to watch it. The poster's great, though. Very nice poster. Yeah, I'll echo that because I, that's one of the things I remembered

about the most walking by the video store and not renting it, but looking at that poster quite a lot. I wouldn't recommend it either. I would recommend Kingdom of the Spiders from 1970 something. Bud

Carlos, is that the director's name? That sounds right. John Bud something, I think. It's on Tooby for free. It's worth your time. It's exactly what I think this was sort of basing itself off of and Kingdom of the Spiders

does it a whole lot better. It's interesting because we talked about Spielberg definitely did direct a shot or set up shots. here and it's like he's involved and it and it feels very amblony even though it's i think comes out as hollywood pictures or something like that you know yes yeah do you feel like this is see what whatever we feel this way do you feel like spillberg's kind of like a secret dick like here yeah

direct this one direct this he knows he could do it better it's like oh i don't know why it didn't work but like he's like he's like he's not helping right because there's there's things in here that i think could have been helped with editing yeah and it's like you would think there would be enough of a system here around like Frank Marshall, giant producers, smart guy, so many things like, why wasn't there enough help here?

Like it's not too difficult. It wasn't like, oh, it's the first time. Filmmaker is totally alone. It was da-da-da-da-da. No, it's like he's, every piece of the puzzle is right. Like, what went wrong here? Is it just prep? Yeah. I wonder because like to what you said, like, I wonder

if it was like, part of me wants to believe the dick thing. But like, bigger, I think it's probably like the Jurassic Park thing started coming into clarity like that was gonna so he just didn't have the time is what I would like to think

is that he just had too many other projects but like also I like the idea of him being a secret dick well no Frank's getting a little too big for his bridges give him the arachnophobia right hey Frank why don't you go direct arachnophobia it wasn't last crusade was around this time too

yeah 89 yeah yeah you know I mean is there a version of it where it's like well Frank if the movie actually made more money you could keep on directing, but now you have to continue to be my producer. He knows that he's so much more valuable to be like his right-hand man. He's like, and he's like, go direct it. If it's successful, I want you to go off and have a great big, giant career. Ah, it's a bummer.

Yep. You always got a place with me. He took out the sheriff death scene and stuff to sabotage this dude. Yeah. I mean, that makes total sense also in that, like, he goes and does Congo after he does Jurassic Park, like, around the same, like, it does just feel like something that he had on his plate and he was like no I don't think so

let's see if we can get Jimmy Buffett to do an ape song maybe he can do a nice little monkey song it's also like Steven Spielberg is going to direct Twisters or Twister and he was like no you know and that was the same way like Tom Hanks was going to be in Twister and he's like no you know it's like there is like you know it's like

so yeah they kind of figure it out he takes his toys and goes home for sure yeah yeah so that's it by the way that is the end of season 14 of We Hate Movies, if you can even believe it. So, Paul, thank you so much for coming on, man. It was really special.

Finally having what, I think a lot of people have been saying, the podcast crossover. By the way, I love it. I love it. And I'm so happy to be here. And thank you for having me. And we've got to figure out a way to get you guys to cross over on us, too. It would be really fun. Yes, that would be super fun.

And I'll just put it out there, man. We are big believers of putting stuff out in the universe and seeing what happens. you and Manzukas were talking about that like movie podcast festival and I thought that was a fucking genius idea. If you dude set that up, we hate movies would fly to L.A. and do that in two seconds. I like that idea and you know what? I haven't thought about it since Jason said. Let me, I think this is something we could do. That would be really fun.

It would be super cool. And I think because you were right on, you know, we did the L.A. podcast festival and like best intentions with that whole setup. But it was like, so do you like steak and also? drinking bleach because we have everything here. Well, that's why it's like I think we get like a nice size theater and you go like you do four shows, two shows, you get Friday

and Saturday, you do an early, a late, an early and a late and you do some fun crossover on it and that's and like that's it. Like don't make it too complicated or you know or you're like why do we need to do more than that? And then grow it the next year. You know, grow it the next year. And everyone in the audience

is wearing a John Carpenter t-shirt regardless. It doesn't matter. Everyone's They have to. It's just going to happen. It's okay. No, you know, in L.A. you're going to get a lot more like, you'll get like Elaine May and Albert Book's shirt. Same idea. I'll talk about their wine cellar. Paul, this was awesome, man. Come back anytime. You guys were amazing. Thank you for having me. So that is officially the end of season 14 of We Hate Movies, if you can even believe it. But the good thing is also the action is continuing all through the month of August, even though. we are going on vacation. We got some unlock episodes. We got some live episodes.

We got some Patreon stuff going on. So, Steve, what is going on next Tuesday here on, well, the free feed, as we call it? But then also, if you're getting this at the $8 level are up, on Patreon, you're getting this ad free. What are we talking about? We're talking about Gamer live at Atlanta Gamer, the Gerard Butler vehicle. That was a really super fun live episode. Hell yes. A movie people are trying to reappraise, and we dare.

say no. That's right. So that's going on both on the free feed and on the ad free level on Patreon, of course. And the cool thing we're doing all throughout August, of course, Patreon unlock. So for folks unfamiliar, we do have a wide stable of shows over on Patreon that we do not put out on the main RSS feed for We Hate Movies. And hey, if you want to maybe dip your toe in, get a little hip to that every Thursday throughout August, we're going to be releasing a once locked piece of content

onto that free feed. So Eric Sisko, what are we doing? So gamers are going to be next Tuesday, but next Thursday, we got something else going on. Yes, next Thursday, you'll be able to tune in to an unlocked version. We've never unlocked it before. The Gleap Glossary will be talking about the life and times of Count Duku. This is our Star Wars side show where we go through the dumb old EU histories and we kick it around and have fun with it. So if you enjoy We Hate Movies, you'll probably,

probably love that as well. That's right. And even though we are on vacation, do not worry, Patreon subscribers. You will of course be getting brand spanking new content on the Patreon all throughout August. So yes, that includes once in a lifetime, the Nexus, animation damnation, the Gleap Glossary. We love movies. It's all happening, baby. Still there. Still happy. We can say, we love movies episode on The Crow coming in on. Yes. Hell yeah, that's going to be great.

And also, if you're listening to this episode on the day it airs, you have precious few days left to go check out the replay of our speed digital live show, Moment.co slash we hate movies. Check that out. I got to say, real super

positive response. A lot of people have checked it out, had a great time with it both on the night of, with the show and the after party, and also the replay. So you want to get in on that moment.com slash we hate movies. But that's going to do it for us for another total kick-ass season. We thank you all so much for continuing to tune in.

You guys tune in. It's the only reason we keep doing the show. And we're just getting started, y'all. So enjoy August, enjoy all that content. And we'll be back in September with brand spanking new episodes with if you can even believe it. We Hate Movies Season 15. Oh, and be sure you're listening throughout August because we will be announcing you're

going to find out who wins the VHS trailer game. It's a big deal. And we'll find out what our first episode shall be. That's right. So all of that, stay tuned to our socials. You know, make sure you're up to speed on whatever we have going on. And we will see you in September. But until then, until next season, I've been Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Siddak. Eric Sisko. Chris Cabin. Paul Shear. Take it easy. Thank you.