We Hate Movies - S14: MELR0210 #49 - 90210's "U4EA" & Melrose Place's "A Long Night's Journey"

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Originally released on Patreon: May 19, 2022 It's our monthly flashback to sunny 1990s L.A.! First up on Beverly Hills, 90210, it's the totally outrageous episode, "U4EA"! Originally airing back on November 14, 1991, this episode has the gang going to an underground club where David gets wasted, Dylan and Brenda dodge tweakers, and Emily Valentine doses Brandon behind his back! Then over on Melrose Place, it's the Keith-tacular episode, "A Long Night's Journey." First airing back on September 15, 1993, this episode continues the outrageous Keith Saga with everyone's favorite scumbag marine biologist taking things nuclear, while Matt loses his job and debases himself asking Michael for a job reference at the hospital, and Amanda starts really obviously flirting with Jake right in front of Jo at the motorcycle race! MELR0210 is a WHM podcast where the guys blissfully stroll through the Beverly Hills, 90210 and Melrose Place timelines. The TV episodes covered will run in broadcast order. Thank you for checking out this WHM Patreon Unlock! If you like what you heard and want to explore MELR0210 further, this show drops on a monthly basis, available to subscribers at the $10 level! There are currently 76 episodes of MELR0210—with more dropping every month! Signing up for that top tier not only gets you all of MELR0210, it gets you everything: Animation Damnation, The Nexus (Star Trek), The Gleep Glossary (Star Wars), Once In A Lifetime, Too Old For This Shit, ad-free We Hate Movies, We ❤️ Movies, and all syncable commentaries! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

POMAYOR IAN, A WERE. BORNELL WARREN SULLIVAN. BUSHER-D-D-D-E-D-E-N-E-B-D-E-B-E-E-B-A-B-E. Hello and welcome to another edition. I would dare I say, a very special edition of Melro 210. Man, this is going to be a barn burner. Special edition.

Did they add like some CGI school students in the background? This is. is a top tier patrons-only show. We're talking about one episode of Belrose Place and one episode of Beverly Hills, 90210. I am joined, as always, by a couple of slippery-fingered weirdos.

I got Andrew Juppin. Yo, I'm Roofied. Chris Gavin. Yeah, time for an egg party, everybody. Oh, man. Chris Kevin's egg parties. And Eric Siska. Howdy partner, I can't top that egg.

this is such a bizarre premise and what a fascinating look at the Los Angeles Teen Underground. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Which I'm sure it was real. We are talking about U4EA Episode 2, Episode 15 of Season 2 of 902.0. Original air date November the 14th, 1991,

directed by Charles Braverman, written by Ali Adler and a little bit of Steve Wasserman credit. I genuinely think this is where they got the idea for the show Euphoria. It just looks the right way. And Sam Levinson would have been the age to have seen like this, probably. Now, you watching, you, uh, you watching Euphoria, you fucking old pervert, Chris Cabin? I bet he is. Watch this.

I bet he is. Yeah, you're watching it. You're watching it, aren't you? No. No, officer. That's not my euphoria. I haven't seen a single second. And that's got like, it's got like boobers and ding-dong.

and we're running around with, like, fancy filters. That's what they tell me for sure. But, like, every, any promo you see of them, it's always the neon lights. They're always in a club, even though theoretically the show is supposed to take place in a high school. It takes place actually in bisexual lighting. Yes, it does. As the teens say, yes.

Sam Levitt's its favorite thing. Speaking of bisexual lighting, we should talk about, we skipped an episode here. We didn't actually skip it. It's out actually on our free feed. It was our free feed finale. Yeah. Way back when, when this was on the free feed, we talked about the next 50 years and just, you know,

go back and go back and listen to that episode to be in sync. Or we can give you a quick update here real quick that, you know, it happens. Yeah, everybody goes to Scott's House. Scotty's got a gun. You know, before you do the big reveal, Steve, I saw, because I was looking up a GIF for this episode, that we're talking about Euphoria. And for whatever reason, a gift from the next 50 years came up.

And you guys remember that really sad shot of everybody dancing at Scott's birthday party, including Scott and it totally sucks. Oh, man. Where he's pushing his boner up against Kelly Taylor. Yes, dude. And it's like, everyone's having a great time at Scott's house. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It is fucking, dude, my asshole clothes for business. These monsters show up to his house, treat him like shit. David Silver calls him a piece of shit. then he kills himself. And that's here to Scott, everybody. Accidentally. Very important.

Accidentally. All right. Let's go hit the club. Well, that's the thing too. So this is euphoria. It's the next episode, folks.

So it's weird when David gets drunk in this episode. I kind of kind of kind of expect to be like, fucking Scott, man. This is for you,

Scotty. See, see, I was thinking it was going to be like he gets sad. drunk and he's like crying to Donna about my friend Scott.

Dude, David Silver is ripped on JD and he's ready to fucking dance the night away with the Ghostbusters man. He is so not giving a shit that his friend shot himself the last week. Oh man! It rules. I mean, this episode is, I mean, again, like

this episode starts with it's a pretty linear episode so we're not going to split it up. It's really just Emily Valentine is trying to, you know, she's like, oh, I got this cool new boyfriend that in the episode with Scott they get really hot and heavy at his house and get thrown out so they're like kind of

their relationships ramping up at this point you want to hook up at this loser's birthday party we'll see who shoots first us or him my mom Brandon doesn't death make you hot you want to jerk off at a weird kid's room that smells like fucking cheese

we always got horny at funerals all the time in the Bay area Brandon Emily Emily get some of the blood we can just playing in it. So she's like, hey man, it's going, well, we start with Emily has given Brandon, and this is bizarre

to me, a one shelf in her locker as like a thing as like, too soon. Oh, you're complaining about no space in your locker and I've got all the space in mine. And he's like trying to be funny too. He's like, oh, I don't know, Emily. Moving in together. Oh, what are you?

parents think and she very pointedly says they think I'm crazy anyway it's like a little breadcrum a little breadcrumbs and shove your books in my locker oh I want to shove my books in your locker

I feel like they're a little sexual should I put something over the textbook to be extra safe something like a cover you should wrap a contact paper yeah he should wrap his dick and cardboard like they used to do the uh you guys you guys ever do that when you were a kid you i think it was paper grocery bags not cardboard oh yeah that's true

fuck i'm picturing eric trying to wrap fucking corrugated cardboard around a textbook you're right it was uh those paper bags but you don't see too much anymore these days folks you don't and so my mind just goes cardboard whatever happened uh covering your books anymore you know when i was a young in school, we took pride in our textbooks. Used to spend a whole day trying to wrap a textbook and cardboard. And that was your day. We'd wrap them up good. Make sure that that cover wouldn't be damaged,

but we would still doodle in some weeners and swastikas. That was the day. Of course, you know, the next day, of course, the cardboard is just off the textbook again, and then you spend another day trying to put it back on. The real creative kids were the ones that drew wieners on the edges of all points of the swastikas. well the thing is also now Emily I have to remember two locker codes

I can't even remember my own sweetheart I hate to break it to you she's just going overboard like early this should this I don't even need the she's insane line just this act alone I'm like oh okay she's insane great she used herself as what school wife

yeah not good well what is Brandon's problem though where she's like oh well you said you needed more space like what the fuck are you doing Brandon I've got all these books Emily where am I going to put them. They're giving me too many books.

I have five books on the McGovern campaign, okay? Gotta go somewhere. I let Andrea store extra copies of the blaze in my locker. So this is something, so we run into, it's Brenda Kelly and Donna, they're walking down. We're doing

a little TGIF and it's like, oh, what do you want to do? Nobody has anything good to do. We've all seen the good movies, et cetera, et cetera. I just hear something that, and I think this is Emily's problem and everybody's problem these kids are the hugest drips

in the fucking world I am sorry like we are between this episode and the Halloween one and I mean like aside from the weird sexual assault

that happened at the end of it like these kids just complain about everything and they don't want to do shit oh they're terrible to their friends too the way they act David Silver getting drunk in this like you're supposed to help your bro

when he gets drunk for the first time and you're supposed to be nice to him and be like yep you're gonna vomit okay and the only person doing that is Dylan McKay. God bless him. Thank you for pointing this out, Chris Cabin, because you know what? I was frankly disgusted. I was disgusted at the way they fucking treat this kid. Everybody but Dylan, they're all like looking at him. Like he's been fucking like pissing on them all night or something. Like, yeah, he brought a bottle of Jack

Daniels to a club. Is it embarrassing? Yes. Did he drink it all himself? Yes, he did. That's embarrassing. But like, they're like, you fucking piece of shit. Jim and Cindy are less oppressive in this than the kids. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. That's just not upper argument to me. Well, because they don't Dylan doesn't have those parents around and every other kid here has got those puritanical beliefs that are even more

extreme than their parents. Well, that's the weirdest part too. Like, I don't know, there's nothing, no movies to watch. What are we going to do? I'm like, what are these kids into? Because they're not like, you know, in my day, we just get fucked up and play video games. That's kind of like and, you know, occasionally. No, that's all we did. Into being popular, I think.

You were going to say occasionally you dress up a mannequin as a person to push it over a highway over pass? Yes, occasionally. Those are the two things you do. I mean, look, like, in our town, you know, it was like you went to the movies. Sure. You went to the mall. You hung out in the fucking Taco Bell parking lot.

I mean, there's only so many options when you're fucking 17. Like, I don't know what these kids are expecting. Go to the movies. There's no way you haven't seen everything. And also see something again. Exactly. And Donna has a perfectly fucking great idea. Let's go

do some put-put. And they all spit in her fucking face to these elitist pigs, these elitist little pigs. Kelly Taylor doesn't come off well in this episode. She's like, you would hang on a David Silver too much. Like, why to do something? I'm jealous. Yeah, now let's invite him to this club

as well. Why do they invite the whole fucking high school to this thing? I see, I'm not even against going to the club. I think going to club is what you should do at the stage. It happens all the time. But, like, it's, it's the way they react to the club. And, of course, the way that the show is depicting the club is its own little minefield. But, yeah, it'd be, like, the whole time you're, you would just wonder, you, do these kids like each other?

Exactly. Really? Nobody likes anybody. So, uh, Emily comes up to the girls and she's like, oh, I guess she's, like, inviting, she's inviting, she's kind of really just inviting these three and pretty much Dylan. Like, that's kind of what she's going after. Like, hey, why don't you guys come? I'm going to an egg party this. And I think she's trying to get back

and bread this good graces a little bit. You know what I mean? Like, you're dating this kid's sister. You date this kid's brother. You want to you know, she called you a whore in front of their mother. You know what I mean? A couple of weeks ago. You, the person who were called a whore, are trying to get back in the good graces with the person

who called you a whore. In the kitchen at a barbecue, by the one. Let's just be clear about that. As a fucking salad was being served, you were called a whore by the person you are now trying to be nice to. Is that why, no, there's still that beef

there now? Is that why Brenda's inviting every single nerd? And she probably asked like the lunch lady and the school nurse. Oh, hey, Dolores, you want to go to this underground club? It's an egg party, you see. Now you've got to show up to some

sort of a bodega downtown or a convenience store with a with an egg, asked to exchange an egg. And with that, they will give me the location of the secret club. And how does this club make money exactly? I don't know they get $10 for the egg or whatever. The $10, I think, is just going to the guy at the liquor store, right?

It's a finder's fee. And then, like, is anyone making money off the warehouse playing techno music? Well, they've got to be charging out the ass for the drinks, I bet. And that, that is definitely part of it. But also, clearly, all the drug dealers are probably paying for the space. Right. Paying for the DJ. And they're walking away with probably the biggest take.

of the night. It's more like a drug dealer expo, is what you're saying. That's so much a party. Everyone's got a booth. Yeah, you get them guys are weighing back. For sure. You don't want them up from. No, no, no. You want the heroin and the Coke right out front. The other thing

too is you are definitely not spending money on that venue because it's clearly like an illegal setup. So you're not paying anybody to rent that space. Quick question, because we were all we did not grow up in teenagers together. You and... We did not. grow up in teenagers

as teenagers. I've never grown up inside of a teenager yet. But I would like to, right? You put your flaccid one in and oh my God, shut up Matt Gats. No, my question is, has anyone ever been to a warehouse party because I have not? Um,

I don't think so. Like a rave, you mean? Yeah, like a rave or, you know, yeah, you have? Oh, yeah, one. Oh, yeah. It's tough. I don't think so. I went clubbing once. that was horrible. No, I don't think so.

Yeah, we were more, like, I would go, like, see friends bands and stuff, you know, like crappy Digi Bronx basement bars, kind of a deal. I'd go in the woods. Yeah. Just speaking of hot and teenager. Oh, yeah, no, we would just go, just drink around a campfire, you know.

Yeah, sure. But so, they decide to go, and they go, and Brandon, I don't know, this is like an ultimate humiliation of Andrea that he's going for, like, Just leave Andrea out of it. You know what I mean? Like, you don't have to exclude her from everything,

but this is specifically an Emily event. You can clearly tell they don't like each other. Yeah, and Andrea's like, are you guys doing homework at the club? Well, if you're not, I'll come with and do homework at the club. I cannot believe it. Dude, yeah, because she's like,

oh, is this a story you're doing? And it's like, no, I just want to fucking go on a dance floor and have somebody fucking rub my dick. Like, come on. My group of friends need someone to do the homework at this event. so I shall go. No, Andre. I'm hoping to get jerked off

in the bathroom by Emily. She didn't give me a dirt when the kid died. I was almost there. When the kid died. I was hanging brain. He was hanging brain. Oh, no.

He was hanging fucking guts, dude. Yeah. Poor Scott. Poor Scott. He's got a job pushing up daisies. But so she's like, Oh, I don't know. She's like, I guess I'll go and write a story about it.

Oh, fucking whatever. And Steve is like, what's going on? Who's doing stuff without me? And everyone's like, oh, fuck, I forgot about you, Steve. Shit. Oh, fuck. You kind of get the vibe that nobody was going to say anything. Of course not.

Now, Steve, I've got to sit you down and tell you this. And we're going to, before I give you any information, there will be black people at this club. I need you to know that. And I need you to shut your mouth when you're around them. Thank you. Because so much of this episode is a. about being on the wrong part of town. Yeah, uh-huh.

So there's that. What does he say, though? It's like something, something, uh, these underground clubs, Joe, he's extreme babe fest. And it's like, man, how is anybody fucking friends with you? Raging babe fest. Oh, is that raging? Raging. Nobody is.

And also, like, somehow, I don't even know where Steve got this information. Because it's something, I think Andre's like, don't you have class right now? Steve? He's like, yeah, but I want to see what's going on. So he's like, fuck you, Mr. McCursky, I hear a party's going down. That's awesome. He just runs out of the room. He takes the bathroom

gas with him. You know what, Sanders, whatever. Bye. Okay. Don't come back. You don't need this. You don't need this trigonometry class anyway. I mean, you know that Brandon's like, okay, Steve, I'll tell you what to do here. But you must

bring Andrea so that I may torture her. When she sees me like finger banging Emily. in the fucking middle of this club. Yeah, like, it's just torture. It's a complete torture. It's a weird movie because, uh, sorry, Brandon invites Andrea and then Andrea's like,

I'll go as a story. And then now it's going to be a thing where Steve and Andre are going to go together. We're all going to meet at the Peach Pit, obviously. Now, okay, so quick, quick question here, because I don't know, I don't know how I miss this. Or maybe they just don't really say, but like, how is it that Stephen Andrea get coupled off together in this episode? He says, I'll pick you up.

yeah they said they'll go together like she'll be like the date yes yeah so steve offers to pick like it's stunning that she doesn't have to take the bus to this liquor store this is like steve sanders is under the impression that he's going to go into this club with andrea and all these models and drug addicts and all these people are going to be like oh my god i got to have a piece of that if she's with him i have to have some ladies teeth are falling out who is that Or do you think it's a Steve Sanders ploy of like, they'll think that I can do so much better than you, Andre, that they would jump all over me to save me.

I think that's what it is. And also like, spoiler alert, kids, if you're going to this kind of a party, don't bring your nice cars. You know what I mean? Like, this is the thing where like either you have a junker or you just rent a cab or even you rent a car for the night. Or you certainly take it home at the end of the night.

I don't care who is driving it, but someone should be. especially if it's an open convertible, which we'll get to. But now Brandon and Brenda are getting dressed up with the club. Brenda's got a real little Vyra vibe this episode. Yeah, very, very weird. And they're like, they're plotting like, oh, what are we going to tell mom and dad or whatever? You're too old for this shit to be like, I don't know, I don't feel comfortable lying to my parents.

You're a teenager. I don't know, man. This is the second season of this show. You've been lying to them fucking up and down week to week. This is a great lie, too, that they're going to have a bite to eat and see. a movie because Attack of the Killer Tomatoes plays every midnight or every Friday at midnight

in Westwood. What a time to be alive. Now Eric, was that a discussion between the siblings that they're like they're figuring out the... Yes, they're figuring out the lie. Because when they go down don't they just say, oh, we're going to a thing. Well, they don't, the thing is

the parents don't give a fuck. You know, Jim and Cindy don't give a fuck so they never even get to unveil their life. But this drives me insane because at the like Jim is like and you told us you were going to a movie and I'm like did he did he yes at the end he says that I'm like no I'm like

no you just said it's a thing but the okay the other thing about that though I was screaming at the fucking two of them because they have it in the bag they go downstairs and Jim and Cindy are caught up watching something and they're like yeah yeah whatever it's fine just go

they keep fucking talking to them and it's like no way you're blowing it You never give any more information than you have to. Dude, if you get it out, you're gone. Exactly. You stop by your parent. You say, am I being detained? And ask for a lawyer. Dude, it fucking, it gave me flashbacks to this one time we were driving back from Montreal.

And we're at the fucking border. And everything is totally fine. It's 100% totally fine. We're like, you know, they didn't even make us get out of the car. It was like, the dude was literally about to be like, and on your way. And my friend who was not even

driving the car I've got a gun! He was like, officer, just to be on the up and up with you, we have some paraphernalia

that we purchased. Because they because he bought a fucking hookah. Oh, I remember I was at the other car, I believe.

Yes. And I was like, what is their problem? I saw you guys drive away. They made us get out of the fucking.

car pull over. They're inspecting this fucking car. We were there for hours. They claimed they found like some shake on the floor of my friend's car. And like, and this dude, Chris Gavin knows the guy, I will not name names, but the guy who was driving does not smoke weed. And he was just like, I don't know, man, maybe someone in my car smoked weed or something. It's not mine. And these assholes were having a fucking field day. American fucking Border Patrol. Total scum. Well, why? I mean, it's on your friend, though. You never, again, never, of course not.

You don't have to declare a pipe. Exactly. Especially like an unused, because I remember it was an unused bong was the thing. It was like somebody bought a bong or something. And it was unused, which is totally illegal. You know what I mean? It was a hookah. It was a brand new hookah, not fucking used.

And these dudes, like, used his idiocy as carte blanche to fucking, like, turn this car over. Like, we were there for so long. I had to go to the bathroom multiple times. Like, that's how long. it took. Meanwhile, speaking of over-divulging, Kelly is like, oh, you know, my mom, she's got this new thing where I can just be honest with her and I can tell her whatever I'm doing, it's totally cool. She goes, she's like, yeah, we're going to an underground

club tonight. It's going to be awesome. And she's like, I heard about this. By the way, the great Angelespi shows back. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was hooting and hollering during the opening credits. I really would have had to, if you have this kind of agreement with your parents, you needed in writing. that's the only, if it's just assumed then it doesn't exist. Well, the other thing, just say that it's a club.

Exactly. Throwing this underground in there is what sets this all up. And yeah, apparently there was some sort of like 60 minutes story or something about it. Oh, I love that part. She's like, oh, I was, I've seen some exposés about that. You're not going anywhere, Kelly. They're illegal and in horrible neighborhoods. Yeah.

Quote unquote, horrible neighborhoods. Yeah. But she's like, I got to go, I'm going to see Mel. I'm going to Mel's for a while. You stay. Yeah, you're going to Mel's. Here's my question. Just like the Walsh is on the way out. Jim and Cindy are deep into a movie.

We know where that goes. Now Jackie's going to Mels. Who gets it wetter that night? Mel Silver or Jim Walsh? Mel Silver. Mel Silver. No doubt about it. There's no doubt about it.

It's also a newer relationship. It's got a really sexy veneer to it. Cindy's falling asleep before whatever John Ford movie they're watching. Jackie. come over, I'm going to eat sushi off of you. Yeah, exactly, dude. My stupid son's going out to some underground club or whatever. Jackie, I just ordered Seshwan.

It'll be here in an hour. You get over here, panties optional. Oh, my God, putting Seshwant on her? Jackie, I just did some euphoria. Get your ass over here. Yeah, there should be a shot of like some delivery boy from the drug party going to Mel Silver's and the

Jackie, I just roofied myself get over here the takeout guy comes and like it's a mailbox somehow like obfuscating

Mel Silver's dick come on Jackie here it goes here comes the jackhammer Jackie watch that wasabi whoa I ordered two I had two orders

of dumplings go back and bring them back perfectly balanced that ball of asabi right on the urethra. Oh, man. No. Pour soil all over it. Flight of the bumblebees in the background. Well, Kelly, I'm not going to see you.

I have to go to the hospital again. It burns, Jackie. It burns. But none of that actually happens. And here's something. Why involve the peach pit at all? Because one thing that happens later in the episode is Brandon's got work the next day. and the last thing you want to do

is pregame in front of your fucking boss you know what I mean like that's weird it's a bad idea meet at my job yeah like meet at my job because I have to be back here in fucking nine hours anyway how miserable is that shit and that's just asking where you're going it's like it's like it's not your fucking

business old man it's not the usual peach pit attire oh right yikes yeah he's he walked out somewhere I guess he didn't have holes in his shoes tonight and this is where Andrea and Steve Sanders are late because he's busy picking her up

and where she lives Arizona I think Yeah that's it Phoenix I believe And so they just kind of go And like You know there's a couple of Nat lines About like where you go

And he's like oh the new girl And blah blah blah That's like weird about Emily Valentine To begin with Well there is a fucking hilarious Nat delivery where it's It's later when Steve and Andrea roll up And Matt gives them a note

and Emily Valentine has drawn a map like to the bodega that they have to drive to and Andrea goes Who gave you this that And he can't remember her name And he goes Uh Brandon's girlfriend

You know the one Oh yeah How is that supposed to keep track All these fucking white kids anyway Christ Oh it is just so fucking funny Brandon has the Marky mark black t-shirt

tucked into the jeans not looking bad until he switches into Willem Defoe in the Loveless later with the fucking no shirt and the fucking leather jacket. Oh yeah, yeah. Was my TV broken or was Dylan wearing two denim jackets during this episode?

It's kind of like it. It looks like a blue denim jacket under a black denim jacket or maybe a heavy blue denim shirt under a black denim jacket. Here's the thing, you guys. We're talking 1991. That's a denim shirt, my friend.

Okay. it's denim on denim man he's he's pretty much wearing a Canadian tuxedo yeah and Brandon is dressed like he's remaking Scorpio Horizon and so all the kids leave and they go to this

bodega and Emily's like I want to exchange an egg it costs 10 bucks and everyone's allowed to buy what they want Donna wants popcorn Brenda gets the water and David kind of joking is like hey get me a bottle of whiskey

The guy's like, here you go, kid. And he's like, oh, wow. I'm already breaking the loss, so why not continue? I mean, right? Like, you need something for the party. Have it. Hey, could I also get some cocaine? Is that?

Do you sell that here? I was shocked. I would like your finest prostitute, please. He gets, oh my God, he gets, like she gets the water, Donna's the popcorn, and he gets his bottle of whiskey, all in 16 bucks. Not bad. Yeah. Couldn't believe it.

He's got a little like, what do you call out, a corks or what's a little? guy, a little quarter bottle? A little hand, hand man. Yeah, it's the hand guy. Yeah, it's your walking bottle. Yeah, your little walking bottle and all alcoholics have. And teenagers. Of course. I'm right, the only two people that drink out of those.

You're a teenager, that's all you can afford, or you're a huge alcoholic. Right. And you're sleeping at a bus station. You can't go five minutes without a million. So they go, and then Steve and Andrea get to the Peach Pit. Did you anyone hear Steve's lying on the way in? he's just like, your grandma, I never thought we were going to get out of there because your grandmother was telling us all these stories about the Hbalah and the

whatever. It's like something, something Jewish nonsense. Watch it, Betty. Exactly. But I went back for seconds on one of the dishes she made. Oh, chopped liver, I think. Yes, it was chopped liver. Yeah.

And they had hollah bread and everything. Yeah, like some hala and some like chopped liver, dude. And I was like, I was not aware that Steve Zanders was going over there for dinner. I think he couldn't get out. Like, it's the thing that you was picking her up. I was like, oh, have your friend come in? Oh, sure. Cut scene, probably.

He says that she kept him there for an hour. Can you believe that? Talking to someone else's grandmother for an hour? I never spoke to either of my grandmother's friend hours straight. Combined with the both of them. No way. You're lucky. I engaged in combat with my family.

That's how much we taught. Oh, she won. Fatality. She broke a spoon over my head. It's over. so they but they're like they're friendly enough

but then Andrea knocks coffee all over the map oops a doodle on purpose yeah okay I absolutely I actually think it's on really

I don't think she wants to go to this party oh she's taking the coward's way out yeah yeah she's like oh oops the coffee it was all in my way oh so you think like when Steve shows up you know the girl but I was like oh guys have a nice time

and then she's like grandma what about the holocaust she's like ooh I got some stories for you know yeah he Steve was probably like you know we could just stop at McDonald's no no no we've got food here yeah exactly right here

so we show up at the part at the club and everyone's kind of nervous on the way in Dylan has to take Brenda aside because she I don't know was kicked in the head by a fucking horse and he's just like Brent I want to be clear about one thing inside people might

be doing drugs. I'm like, obviously. By the way, the first two shots we get of the, like, before they go in, we get like interior shots of the club. And of course, like the first three are just black people dancing. Having a nice time. Of course. Until we've seen the heroin addicts. Jesus, this club.

So, yeah, it's the, uh, it's, is the club called egg or I guess it's a nameless club kind of a thing? I think it's nameless. I at least I didn't pick up on it. No, there's no name. welcome to club egg who's ready to get scrambled out there i can't believe no you they definitely like worked backwards from the the PSA about the egg and your brain on drugs because they do it at the end right wow yeah put that dumb shit together you're totally right really stupid and egg would break so easy too well how about if we made an entire episode from a commercial how about we think about that

a little bit of that what they do in 30 seconds we'll do in 30 well 45 but everyone's right though because everyone is treating David David Silver just has a little handle of jack he's offering it to people you know what I mean like he's being polite

his life doesn't fall apart he just gets a little you he pukes and he's fine but everyone's like you piece of shit right exactly Kelly specifically Kelly's you know in a bad mood this episode but just like keep that fucking freak away from me and it's all just more on drugs shit.

Like he's Mickey working barfly. Exactly. Just calm down. Totally. Like he didn't piss in your closet, Kelly. Like, relax. It's amazing. So he, uh, so they'll kind of go in and, you know, Emily and Brandon kind of go off on their own.

They'll make it out hot and have, oh, please. There's just one stray line where David walks into the club and says it's trippy or whatever. Oh, God. And Dylan's like, are you on acid right now? Jesus. Yeah. What do you want, acid, silver? No, it's an expression. What if he was?

Yeah, exactly. Dylan, shut the fuck up. Especially a guy like Dylan who's done it all, everything in the book. Mm-hmm. And then he's just judging anyone else who even partake. Just because you couldn't keep your life together, Dylan. But it's, some of us are functional. I think the whole point is that, like, sometimes because you also want adults to be watching your show, you have to turn these kids into adults.

Yes. And you have to give them all the moral language of adults. than adults, the moral language of teachers and parents. Yes, specifically, yes. And Brandon and Emily are off on their own, kind of making out as they do surveying the crowd. There's this guy in a huge jersey

that's the number four on it. She's like, that's a drug dealer. He deals euphoria, as you can tell from his shirt. Dude, oh my God. The part right before that is a killer stupid Brandon line. Because they're like looking at the guy or whatever, and she's like,

see that guy over there? And he's like, like, yeah, he must be the most popular guy here. Everyone's talking to him. I was like, you fucking stupid idiot. These fucking, these corneet rubes should not be in Los Angeles. No, he's so popular. Everyone's talking to him and slapping him five. I don't know, Emily.

How do you know that he's not just a really big four non-blonnes fan? You know, just open that a little bit. Maybe there's non-blondes to the rights. So, like, I guess all the drug dealers have to wear shirts that say what they're carrying kind of a thing. I guess so, yeah. So you got like a big, there's a dude. Oh, yeah, so there's like a dude. He's wearing like a leatherman jacket,

but there's just like a picture of a horse on it. Somebody's got ski gear on, just wandering through the. Find the guy in the neon pink goggles. Drug dealers should have uniforms. That'd be fun. Yeah. But so like, she's like, oh, it's euphoria,

which is just ecstasy, which I don't know why we're not calling it ecstasy. Well, because you don't want kids watching this and then going down to the local, you know, jiffy lube or wherever. For sure. And say, could I have some ecstasy? They'll say euphoria and then just get, you know, the backhand of someone's, you know, fist. Handing a cashier, a single of Oscar Meyer balona, hoping that they were about to go to the best party of their life. I mean, that's the thing.

What not calling it ecstasy is because I feel like, because they do. say crack in this episode. And it's one of those things where it's like, you know, especially like with, you know, advertisements and media and whatever, it was like, everybody knows crack is bad, right? Crack is back. Yeah, sure. But like, ecstasy, here's the thing. For us,

for a good portion of this episode with Brandon and Emily Valentine here, they're having a great fucking guy. I know. I feel great. They're fucking tongue kissing in public. Like, it's incredible. And that's why, that's why I feel the name change is happening. So it's not like,

Oh my God. What is that they're on? We got to get some of that. Look how much fun they're having. I thought I needed to get some. I've never done ecstasy, FYI. Yeah, me neither. Bodies of mine were way into start. Because when we were going to school in the early aughts, it was everywhere. And buddies of mine were doing it every weekend. And I just, they were a bit annoying to be around. So that was kind of what. But, you know, I was like, can we just smoke weed? Is that cool? No.

Yeah, no. It wasn't on our scene either, really. No. I went to the rape specifically because they were like, there's weed there. And it was like, oh, oh, my God, I'll go. Absolutely. And then it was all ecstasy. But it looks like they're having a lot of fun. So, you know, whatever. Good for them.

Yes. Use responsibly. We're not suggesting you go out and do it. But if you do, you know, enjoy and use responsible. The kids are calling it Molly these days. And it's taken to be a very long time to realize that Molly is just like. Oh, really? Yeah.

It's not, I think there's a future drug from a red future. Isn't it mixed? It's like 50-50. It's like to see something else. There's something else going on. I don't know if it's math or it was before the fent crates. But Kelly's having an outwardly

bad time and wants everybody to know about it. Just like just complaining. Just complaining. Look, you know what, Kelly? Just don't go. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. Stay home in your robe.

Attack of the Kaila Chamadas is playing. Go see that. And David's dancing and drinking with Donna. I mean, Brenda and Dylan are just kind of you know, circulating, I guess. They're not even, like, make it out. They're just kind of there. Yeah, they're just like, well, we didn't have anything else to do.

We're not particularly in a fight with each other. It's kind of just a, it's an off week for us. I mean, we're here, but we're not. Yeah, let's go to the club and just, you know, silently judge others. That's what we'll do all night long. Honestly, Brandon is there saying, I don't want to dance. What the fuck did you come here for then, man? You didn't want to dance.

You don't want to do drugs. You don't want to drink. So what are you there for? Pussy. Pussy of course Come on Yeah your girlfriend You already have

You kind of already have that You've got to just driven up I don't know man Go to a sexy club Versus going to see Attack of the Killetton is You know Getting jerked off during this cheesy movie

Oh man No way Sounds pretty good Just find some other kid Who accidentally killed himself Go around there She'll get horny I guarantee

I made these robot friends To jerk me off During cheesy movies but it's I mean like well done is it is it Dylan at one point

it's either maybe Dylan or maybe it's maybe it's Kelly someone looks at David Silver dancing like just on the dance floor with this bottle of booze and goes

check out Rico's suave over there and like Donna is having Donna at the very least is having a great time where they're bored and getting drunk, which is the right attitude. You know what I mean?

You know, not, I mean, obviously, if it gets dangerous or whatever, all that's fine. But right now he's just drinking, you're just having a good time. Are they officially seeing each other? No, not yet. Like, they're just kind of, it seems, it's going that way, it seems, right? Yeah, yeah, they're spending time together. And she really helped him in the Scott's Dead episode. Oh, yes, that's right.

That's right. But we're not talking about that. We're not going to talk about that. She got the mop out. I would love it if he would just like a little something for you, Scott pours some out on the floor. That would be great. Yeah. Then some bouncer kicks

him out and throwing fucking booze on the floor. Just take this to the next rodeo, brother. Even Silver doing this Elaine Benes-esque dancing is like, it's just so much more energy than fucking Brandon just sitting there like trying to

it's not even Crispin Glover dancing in Back to the Future, which was the closest approximation I had. Chris Ben Glover dancing in Oh, Jason. Friday 3. Friday 4. On the set of David Letterman. Oh, right, kicking him in the face.

But like, Emily is like, oh, that guy's that's euphoria. Isn't that cool? Would you ever do euphoria? And he's like, no, Emily, I don't want to do that stuff. I don't do drugs. You just did. Because that's basically what happens. He tells her very clearly like, no, I would never do it.

Just never, ever. He's like, well, I guess if somebody slipped it to me or something, in the night, I guess I would have to, but I wouldn't... He says something like, if it's not exactly this, but it's like, if an angel broke into my house and slipped it to me in the middle of... He says something fucking insane. And Emily is like, oh, look, I just saw my old friend, Harry, let me go say hi to him, but no one says anything.

She goes up to the drug dealer and she's like, I'll get you a soda. And I get, and, you know, usually ecstasy, as I understand it was pills, but this is powder. And we're just dropping a little bit of powder into drink. stirring around and she gives it to Brandon and that's it's never okay to drug anybody under any circumstances but man is this kid a trip these are the two things that these are the

these are the things I'm battling everybody so you say that but unless they're a doctor suddenly they're allowed to drug yes sir actually they are well like on the dance floor I don't know in their little offices

which is really just a weird little room Eric it's another kind of dance club Eric, are you talking about Dr. Feel Good? Well, I'm on you for him. I was going to say, I think someone's on fucking ecstasy right now. Dr. Beck is allowed to drug you anytime he wants. Oh my God.

By the way, speaking of Dr. Beck, the syringe one of them steps on in this club? Oh, that is fucking great. It is Dr. Beck big. It's this giant turkey pasteur of it. It's this huge glass thing. Like, we're in fucking World War II hospitals or something. And I mean, that's the thing is like,

couldn't it just be a party where people are just kind of doing drugs. Like, like people really do, which is like kids anyway, like pills and whatever, like, you know, there would be a syringe on the floor, folks. Do you think fucking heroin addicts want to be around other people? Exactly.

What do you think this is, man? I need someone like an American Psychos screaming in the bathroom. Like, we're trying to do fucking Coke over here. Shut up. Oh, yes. Well, you know, I mean, this is the era of like every drug is drug and drug is bad and every drug leads to

batter drug and we're even trying to wrap our friend alcohol into this equation and dancing dancing I would say now in this one like they're going all the way back to the 40s yeah it's footloose it is it is so Brandon starts to take it and it's like wow Emily I'm feeling really great she

she tells him immediately like hey man by the way you've been drug I mean I guess you have to because it makes them freak out kind of I mean maybe I don't know maybe don't maybe don't ever if you're going to drug someone folks never tell them

no I'm not serious tell them in a day for what she thinks she's doing right which is like the two of them having this thing together like this experience together blah blah blah

if that's like what you think you're doing which you're not you're drugging him against his will and it's wrong but for what she thinks she's doing

wouldn't you think the move would be tell them tomorrow morning yeah wasn't that fun last night you were on drugs or find a better place to do it together that isn't, you know,

where Rocky was fucking working out. I didn't mean like the club is the club, but the last thing I would ever want to do is do ecstasy in front of these judgy fucks. That's for sure. Like even, not even drugging anybody else, but like doing it around Brenda

who called you a horrid or kitchen. You know what I mean? These people, and I think he even says it once he's on drugs that they have bad vibes. I'm like, exactly. They truly do. Don't do drugs around them.

They got bad vods. You know what'll get me back in the good graces of that girl that called me a whore? Drugging her brother. Drugging her brother who she's very obviously

attracted to. That's definitely the way to go. That bathroom scene when they're getting ready is real funny. Do they ever, Steve, you watch the bulk of the series.

Of course they don't. Why not? Because it's on fucking Fox television. It's a salacious little, you know, kind of a soap opera. they're not step twins

that would have been a great reveal down the road right like you know Jim is like well of course Brenda's adopted oh wait what I'm sorry I said that oh kids all right you got it out of me

do they have them do they have them fuck in that updated Brady Bunch movie what oh there's that weird thing yeah there's the two oldest

I don't remember the movie that well but the two oldest kids, what is it, Greg and Marcia like, look at each other. I think they're like, one of them's changing in front of the other one or something like that. And there's a little like, bair.

I got to rewatch that movie and its sequel. Even though I never watch, like, I remember them, it being kind of funny those movies, yet I never watched the source material. It's kind of like a weirdish parody type thing if I remember, because like they're still stuck in the 70s, but it's like the 90s.

I'm just a big Gary Cole thing. Oh, dude, Gary Call's fucking great, man. And Shelly Long's no slouch either. Oh, that's right. You know what? Do for a rewatch movie. Meanwhile, Stephen Andre are just having a misadventure, not even a particularly funny misadventure about trying to get to the club. They go to the wrong place.

Some ladies, they're like, I want to return to an egg and ladies who give a receipt. That's kind of fun. I like the whole interaction with this other lady. Until it, of course, just ends in like the laziest. I'm going to call the police on you. all right fine if you must screenplay you gotta buy a dozen if you want the next one and you know and like

Steve and Andre have a nice moment where like he's just like you gotta fucking like if you want that dude's dick which is somebody's finally said it which is like if you want that dude's dick you got a fucking stake claim on that shit girl like do it yep yeah it is fucking great because she's like you know what Steve Sanders just take me home this has been like an awful night or whatever and I kind of love this fucking like pep talk that he gives her. I'm just like, you know what?

You fucking want my weird friend? Whatever, you got to step in there, tell that fucking weird short-haired girl to get out of here. And he doesn't ask the obvious question, but like, hey, a quick question, didn't you almost fuck him like three weeks ago before school? And what happened there? How did that not work out? Oh, right,

the offering. The offering. They got too afraid. The present. Yeah. Because, you know, sex is kind of like another one of those drugs that, you know, scary. Well, to see, it would give, it would give Andrea closure and Brandon's no no no no no

that's not going to leave a mark on her life that's irreparable and we'll always be there. Sink it. He wants to sink the fuck right down right down to the fucking bottom. So meanwhile Brandon and Emily kind of excused themselves to go outside

and this is when Brenda steps on a needle and then sees people smoking crack right at the club. Dude it is hilarious. She goes up to Dylan. She just goes Dylan. Dylan. People are smoking crap.

Man, that's funny. It rules. And he's like, okay, Brett, I guess we get out of here. Silver, let's go. This is what he's wasted. He starts vomiting everywhere. Dude, him puking in the parking lot. I have to say, well done on whoever it was inserting the folio effects

for this episode. Excellent puke noises throughout. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, somebody threw like wet garbage on a hard ground. Very well. well. Yeah. Someone threw David Silver on the ground. Yeah. And at first, I love this Dylan. He sees them making out on the hood of, on the hood

of Brandon's car. And like Dylan's like, yeah, buddy. It's so awesome. He goes, all right, dude. And he turns to Brenda. And he goes, look at that. And she's just stewing. She's just like, oh, yeah.

She should be kissing on the car. Why isn't, why isn't my hand on his chest? I mean, uh, uh, uh, no. somebody else's hand on his chest. God damn it. God damn it. Look at that hole. You have a hole on top of your car. I also love

Luke Perry. There's a bit of good physical comedy here where he is holding Brian Austin Green by the hair like on the back of his head and like moving him around that way like when he keeps puking. It's pretty funny. And you know, everyone's got curfew. So Kelly's like

afraid she's going to have to go home. And they kind of just they shove David in the backseat of their car and her, Kelly and Donner are off and now it's time to pick up Brandon and Emily and they're obviously really drug down you know. Brandon, are you

on something man? Yeah, the hood of my car. Yes. And yes, he does tell Kelly and Dylan that they are bad vibes, which they are. Big time. And he's terrible people. Oh no, he says oh man, I figured you'd be

understanding of drugs because you're the expert man I agree with Brandon I honestly I really agree with them like what yeah what the fuck is you were just saying hell yeah man oh you're not sober fuck you just came to my house at three in the morning the other night

and stole booze out of the liquor cabinet out of here that was not that long ago no it was not and just like you could be chill about it and just be like listen dude we're leaving I'm going to drive your car home. We're not leaving a really nice car in the middle of this neighborhood or whatever. Yep. But no, he's just like, you know what, Brent, he makes them give them his keys,

which is, you know, a good thing. It gives the money for a cabs. Call a cab. We're not going to be around for this kind of thing. Okay. Well, Brenda literally did nothing all night but judge people. Let her drive home. One of the first episodes of this show was what was, uh, excuse me, it was David Silver driving Steve Sanders car when he was underage or whatever. Because he was too fucked up. Yeah. So I feel like I know it's bad to do those things, but in this scenario... But there's this running gag that, like, Brenda's such a bad fucking driver.

No one let her near her car kind of thing. But that's the really contrived way that they get out of it. Because, of course, that is what the fucking solution is. Like, Brenda drives, you know, the car and they go home. Does Dylan know how to drive? Well, he's driving his own car. Well, that's the thing. Maybe it's a thing where, like, because I think Dylan's car is stick shift.

so maybe she can't drive manual but like that's what and it's like Brandon you're just fucking wasted man so like maybe the solution is Dylan just fucking takes you in his car so you don't give like Brenda shit and she just drives your car home here's the things one of them one of them drives their car

back they use that cab money to go back and drive that car exactly just don't leave his car there it's really but no it's like kind of like let him learn he's like he'll feel like an ass tomorrow and that'll be his lesson it's like I don't know man maybe you're friends a little drugged out and you can take

care of. Yes. That's the thing. Just like it's David's first time like getting drunk in public. It's the same thing with Brandon like being high at all and like Brenda's like why are we doing this Dylan? And there's a line that Dylan has where he's like, he's so high Brendan. He's the king

of the mountain. He's got a girl. He's not going anywhere. And I'm like, I don't know man. He's fucked up. He's tiny. You could pull him off the hood of that crime. He's going to be very annoying. I know that. I know that right now. Don't worry about it. I know that.

But you should take his Mustang the thing that his fucking father loves more than his son probably. Well, at least more than the daughter. And get it back there and leave your Dodge POS or whatever the thing is and just get that tomorrow because it's clearly not as much. And that's the thing.

But you have to judge it. It has to, look, yes, if this becomes a problem, if he's doing it every weekend, maybe you want to sit him down. Like, hey, Brandon, I don't know, you did you did too many drugs. And you don't know. that he's been drugged against his will at this point. He's just high on euphoria.

Just be like, go, dude, my buddy got messed up. I'm going to take care of him today. Nobody can fucking do that on this show. No. It's disgusting. It's totally insane. They have to have horrible shit happen to them as, you know, the consequence of drug.

It is kind of a funny, fuck you, though, as like Brenda and Bill and are going away. Because, like, Brandon, whose shirt is wide open, by the way. And Emily are, like, standing on the hood of the car. And he goes, don't go. way mad and then she goes just go away I was like fuck yeah

so they they bounce Steve and Andrea show up a little bit later the cops are now raiding the club and they find Brandon and and Emily on the hood of the car and Andrea is very upset because oh my God who are you right

oh my God oh my fucking God you're not even doing any homework right now are you this is disgusting This is disgusting. I'm only going to touch myself to this once. I mean, the chest is just, oh, God.

It's wide open. Oh, my God. Those tiny nips. Ooh. Okay. Just once, though. Just once. There is,

I have to say, there is some good Steve Sanders in this moment, though, because, like, Emily's like, because they're like, we got to go, whatever, the cops are coming.

She's like, I still got to lose something in the bag, man. And Steve Sanders fucking grabs that out of her hand. He goes, easy come, easy go and fucking tosses.

Well, this is the, Steve is the good friend of this episode because he's like, I'm going to take my buddy home, I'm going to make sure this happens, you know, you guys are going to get arrested, you're too fucked up to know, I'm going to dump your shit on. You know what I mean? Like, he's making the right decisions and he's not being

judgy about it. They take them home. It's, I guess it's a huge time jump because it's like 5 o'clock of the morning and Brandon finally gets in and Brenda has been waiting up all night, not the parents. And, oh, Bren, I can't believe it. I totally let mom and dad down.

I feel so bad right now. Okay. All right. And he's just coming down. And, like, basically they're talking about how could their parents ever trust them again? And he brings up that, oops, Emily actually drugged him. It's like, Brenda's like, I knew it. That whore.

Okay, Brin, you get one more, but then I'm going to tell you to stop calling her. that. Okay. I'm really weak in everything, but not that week. And again, why you don't pregame at your boss's place? Because you could just call out or work. Oh, no, I got to be at the peach pit in a couple of hours. Not if you just call out and say, oh, I have the stomach flu. But now Nat's like, you got fucking drug glass night. Did you? Well, you know, he wants to work back, you know, work up some money again so he could fix that car. And my God, back then you could just do that. You could just be a bus boy. suddenly buy cars.

With this car, though, dude, like, that's going to the junkyard. Just save up and buy a new car. They go, Dylan drives them back to get his car the next morning, and whoops, it's been graffito tagged by the bad people. By rude rose.

There was a tag. From the bad neighborhood, with the bad paint. And they're bad drugs, honestly. I mean, like, the wheels are off and stuff. When Cindy was lecturing him about how, you know, it could have been lethal or led to some kind of psychosis.

Yeah. Well, she makes some little crack here that I was like, say, because she goes, I know what drugs are, Brandon. We grew up in the 60s and I was like, oh, shit, show me that. I bought one ticket for shock corridor and then I never did any. But the thing is, like, on the way back,

like, I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents. I guess I just have to tell them the truth. No, you don't. If you just sat down for 20 minutes, you could come up with a lie that pretty much puts you in the clear or at least puts you in a better position than saying that you were, you did drugs for no reason. Your teenagers are when you're supposed to do your lying. Your best lying, I say. Honestly, just go for it then. The car was stolen.

Yeah, the car was stolen. It was stolen and that's that. Yeah, we went and I lost my keys and I had to leave my car there. I don't know. You can find a way around the situation. folks. But we don't he tells them everything. He tells them everything except that Emily drugged him.

And Emily, I don't know man, you just committed a crime last night FYI sweetheart. I don't I would like stop by the house with his parents and stuff. I'd give a call. I'd call the next morning and be like, hey man, can I get a couple you want to go get a couple of call? You know what I mean? Do one of that. You also don't know

what kind of shit storm is going on at the house at that moment. Is he fucking having an out with Jim and Cindy about coming home late? Did he tell them about the car? If so are they having it out about that? She's just, like, walking into this fucking war room. Yeah, and, like, Brenda's like, oh, hello, Emily. And it's like, yeah, whatever.

But he does not rat on Emily. Emily kind of, like, basically says that somebody put it in his drink. Who knows? Who knows who could be? It's just trying to fix it with the, you know, touchies and stuff. Yeah. Bealies. Because they go back up to his room.

Also, like, you just did drugs and your girlfriend's allowed to go back up to your room. Wow, you got some pretty soft parents, dude. he suffered enough Cindy he suffered enough okay now Brenda you go scrub the fucking car

I want that I want to see my face in that car Brenda but no Emily's like hey I'm sorry about last night

I just wanted to like get get closer to you etc and this is when he he breaks up with her pretty quickly

which you kind of have to because she drugged you dude and that's fucked up yeah that's the end of that dude

where it should be Emily you know I'd be all into fooling around now but there's no dead kid next door. It's just me and me being drugged by you. Do they get back together, Steve?

There's, this is kind of a two-part episode because the next episode's really, all right. I'll find out next month. You hang up, but listen, it's going to be really good. There's a shithead fucking Brandon line, though, where she says, she goes, you know, because he's going, he's fucking pontificating about it.

He does do drugs, blah, blah, blah. And also there was a thing where she had told him that she had never done it before and that was also a lie and he's throwing that in her face and all this stuff and she's like you know whatever Brandon

I'm sorry I can't be as perfect as you and he goes I'm not perfect just honest and I was like man fuck you I mean that's the thing

you can't be with this little I mean like you again never drug anybody it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong this kid's a little turd and you just it's not gonna work out

because he's too squeaky clean for your shit you're never gonna have a good time that's true that's true absolutely Um, and so basically she's like, oh, but you said last night that you, you know, you loved me more than you've ever loved anybody else. Yeah, I must have been on drugs. Oh, boom from fucking down, down.

Yeah, it's a pretty good bird. It's a, you know what? If somebody drugs you and there's, you know, your girlfriend drugs you, that's a pretty good book. Yep. Uh, but so, and that should be like the last line of the episode, but no, we go back to the peach pit. And that's like, ah, you look a little hungover. Brandon and but Andrea shows up she's like wow you were a different person last night yeah it was a real wild scene and she's like Brandon let me be really obvious really quickly

and takes takes an egg which brings it back to the egg at the beginning this is your brain this is your brain on drugs any questions this is your brain after a Friday night with Emily Valentine he says he's like yeah can I get a bacon and toast with this, too. Because I am fucking hungover, by the way. I'm eating my hangover breakfast at work. Do you have just a grease trap that I can lick just to get, you know, that's just

going to be how it gets gone? Yeah, dude. I mean, like, first of all, I don't see the world's biggest Gatorade and cup of coffee next to Brandon. So I don't know what he's up to tonight. Oh, you know, he's a novice. These kids need to learn. A few more nights at the club should help. Now, now, Brandon, let me be clear with you.

Never ever date a woman who wears a leather jacket. it's just this is a nat little bit of nat philosophy for you they're always trouble every time old nat's gotten into trouble himself a couple times some leather jacket ladies uh speaking of getting into trouble we're going to go right over to melrose place we're back and we are now we're keeping up with this bullshit shakespearean naming convention for no reason it's certainly stupid welcome to a long night's journey season two episode two original air date september the 15th nineteen ninety three directed by charles cornell and written by frank south that's a long night's journey in bed with me let's see if we can find it this time the billy stuff they wake up in bed together it's wild

all right well let's talk about that because I do want to split this up but my thing that about them waking up in bed together because the last thing that we saw was basically keep doing that sick move wherein he had some drifter call

when he was there to pretend to be the stalker making Billy look like an asshole I guess it didn't make a look too much like an asshole because they just slept together that night yeah she can't be too upset about it but he's

says, like, she's like, oh, you know, this thing's, I feel like the stalker thing's over now, because it's a brand new episode, and everything's not, we're not talking about that anymore. And then he's like, well, yeah, but I still think it was cute. Oh, no, but he called what he was here. And he's like, oh, all too convenient.

He comes over and then mingo. He says mingo. Mingo. Instead of Mingo, wait a second. Hold on, I've got it on my phone. I was shocked by it. He says, mingo. He says, Mingo. I didn't hear that. But I love the idea.

Here it comes. He was two birthday. He shows up, Miko, the phone rings. Yeah. Absolutely. No, no. Play it again. I used to hear that again.

Who are he saying? He says, Miko. Hold on. Here it comes. Come on. He set that up. Who's two birthday shows up.

Miko. The phone rings. What? You got to take to that, man. What is his fucking problem? Let's do it again. Allopon. Allopin.

It was too perfectly. He shows up Mingo. Mingo. Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! L-I-N-G-O. Am I-N-G-O?

Okay, Billy, you're going to have to stay back. Mingo was his name, Bo. My God, in heaven. My Lord, what an idiot. When I was a young boy, my father created a game just for me called Mingo. And me and him would play it, and we would just mostly slings. lap each other upside the head and say mingo bingo mingo oh bingo alice and i just came bingo which is funny because there's another part in

this episode where andrew shoe totally totally totally blows a line it's a scene with him and Courtney Thorne Smith he blows a line and like corrects himself and they just left it and it's a it's a weird thing where he's like no because it's your no because it's his And you're just like, what the fuck? Take fucking two. Oh, hey, Andrew, you just said bingo instead of bingo. So the line is bingo. What, what bingo?

What do you say, though? I'm always called a mingo. At an elks club? No, I'm never about bingo. No, I never heard of that. Well, I really think you're wrong. All right, let's get the dictionary out. Look under M for bingo.

He fights and put it in print at the newspaper. I'm telling you it's mingo. Dave, what you're thinking about is that dog movie that we saw together. Bingo. It was a heartwarming tale where the dog was almost eaten. But the thrill story is what you say is bingo.

Mingo! Bingo! Sorry, let's talk about... No, this is the episode. I know. I mean, I've been sitting on it all day and I've been really excited about it. I had no idea. Man, I should have watched this episode twice.

should we let's do it one more time yeah please people at home this is what they're paying for it was too perfectly shows up mingles always that's the funniest it's the best

that's my favorite my favorite tropical fruit is mingos and papayas so let's talk about I mean it's a very bifurcated episode or tri-forated episode let's talk about good old Jake and

Joe here. I mean, because Jake is just, I mean, this dude begged Joe to move in, right? Did I miss that part? Yeah, no, no, yeah, he did. Correct. He did. He full on begged this lady to move in with him because he wanted to commit. He put his foot down. He really wants to be in this relationship. But now he wants to fuck Amanda for some reason. Which, I mean, it's Heather Locklear shore, but yeah, that's got a lot to do with that. That's most of it. So.

Certainly not her personal. No, my God. She's also known to be crazy. Like, you know what I mean? Like she just was Machiavellian ruining Billy's life two weeks ago. But not just not just crazy though, but mean crazy. Yes. And Jake shows up, it's Jake and Joe.

They're just like coming into the apartment complex. And Jake is dressed like Buzzlake. There's no other way to put it. He's dressed exactly like Buzzlight. Yep, yep, yep, yep. But he's in a motorcycle outfit which I guess he's now racing bikes is what he's up to these days.

Well, I think it's, to try to get some supplemental income there if he can win the cup or whatever. Also to wear a jacket or fanny pack or whatever that is that says, Jake Spikes. Right. That's the other thing. I think it's like advertising for the shop. Jake Spikes.

And Amanda's like, oh, wow, where are you guys? Where are you two off to? They're like, oh, we got to. Joe's like kind of giving him shit. She's not crazy about us like, well, this knucklehead over here just started racing motorcycles out of nowhere. And she's like, wow, that's so interesting. Oh, my.

God. Do you mind if I come along? I mean, I have to go inside and change my underwear, but then can I come to this motorcycle raise? Vagina go and watch this thing. Now, before you go, Jake, can you do a list for me? I just, it sends me into reverie. Just please. Could you quickly just say mingo to me? That's what Billy would say when he orgasm that I needed to. I just need the here.

Oh, go, mingo. I got mingo. Mingo Alvin Manda Mingo Mingo Sex mom I just mingoed You clean up my mingo

But so like The next day they go And it's this fucking Hunteress Thompson weirdo fucking hillbilly bicycle race I don't know what this thing is Yeah

I don't know what this thing is They're at the side of a dirt road And they're You know what it kind of looked like to me I mean, but with motorcycles is the race in the beginning of Free Jack that kills Emilio Estimus.

Yeah. Because there's a similar kind of like, they go, they like, you know, the race track goes under an overpass thing, sort of like what Emilio flips into and gets killed in that movie. Oh yeah, yeah.

And it's just also, you know, that era too, you know, so everyone's wearing like a neon green or something. Yes. And Jake is wearing white, mostly white with trim of, neon green and purple he looks exactly like Buzz Lightyear

I think the shit you I would love There's no other There's no other way to describe it That's exactly The Grant show Should have been Buzz Lightyear In that

Telling of his life Right year Yeah light year Besides the society is crumbling Light year is coming out Folks Light year You hear about this Paul

Light year It's a light year That's light Such and such he wins the race and like because actually the funny thing is Joe's not going to go she's like I'm not going to watch you do this thing and then Amanda's like oh I'll go

well I guess I'll go too because you're clearly trying to steal my boyfriend which is crazy yep now I'm just on the clock at all times great beautiful and they come back and they're like oh wow what a great motorcycle race I think this is the second time in as many episodes that Joe and Jacob

have been proposition for a threesome because she's just like we can just come back to my place we'll just get some Chinese and hang out I can put out a cool record and see what happens You could dress up in your buzz light year costume oh wait that doesn't exist Yeah and hey if you stay

for a little while maybe I'll ruin your life A little bit Hey maybe I can ruin your life a little bit Just a little bit ruin your life But then Joe has to be like Jake's like sounds good to me And then Joe's like well no We have to do other stuff we're going to bed

and Jake's like, oh, that was pretty rude. It's like, dude, you, look, this is where Joe has to sit him down and be like, so are you trying to fuck her? She's trying to fuck you. Like, you got to stick your claim here. You have a girlfriend. Exactly.

Well, it's also a thing where it's like even a little more devious because Amanda has said to Joe, like, oh, send those photos over to me tomorrow. Oh, that's right. Yeah. She'd been taking photos of Jake racing. So then Joe has to be like, well, Jake has to be like, well, Jake is helping me with those photos that you said you needed from me

and he's like, what? You never ask for my help with your photos? And she's like, how fucking stupid are you right now? Get inside the house. I know that this weird, this weird psychopath who is now our landlord for some reason is trying to have sex with you.

Yeah, her name is Amanda, but she really just wants Amanda hug and kiss. She really does. Yeah. It's a really short storyline because the next scene is just the last one, which is basically I'm right, there's no other one. It's just Jake is walking out at the one of the last scene of the episode

and Amanda is like in her car like, oh hey, and he's like, wow, you got a really nice car Amanda and she's like, yeah, I do, you want to drive it? He's like say, sounds like fun and I'm like, you're just throwing an open grenade

at your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is putting books in someone else's locker of adulthood right there. Kenneth Brana does at the end of Valky that's what you might as well do right now. That might be what you should be doing right now. And it's also like, it's not even like you're just dating Joe and you're like, you know what,

let me see what I'm. You just moved in together. It's incredibly serious because of you and you're now going to, and it's not in a bar in another town, you're going to hook up with somebody. You're going to fuck your crazy landlord. That's what you want to do, dude. Okay. Okay.

Total fucking porno, cliche douche bag. Who, your buddy just impregnate. Yeah, thank you very much. Just, just to be clear on that matter. Mingo! They found me. Oh, like a Mingo and one there, Amanda, huh?

They found Mingo in her, Jake. Amanda, Amanda, just listen to me right now. Why don't we call the baby Mingo? I know, a little Mingo, a little Mingo we can come home to, Amanda. God fucking damn. I love Mingo. But that's, I mean, that's where. really that storyline, right? There's nothing else.

It's just kind of a little spice. It's just there's something, you know, heating up there. We'll see if these two lovebirds can stay together. It's something that branches the two, but I really, Amanda's encounter with Matt. Oh, I love it. How he doesn't spit in her face, it's just a grace of an angel, honestly. We can just do that storyline, right?

That doesn't have anything to do it. It's also at the end, too, because Jake Foxxon. And it kind of leads into the Michael storyline, which will be the next one we talk about. Anyway, it's the beginning of the episode. And you see Matt, you're like, holy shit, it's Matt. And then he's just like, security. How did he get in here?

And Amanda comes up to him. She's like, hey, Matt, how's it going? He's like, I'm a little sad. I've been sad since Rhonda left. Holy shit, we're mentioning Rhonda? Who's that? Roda. It'll be great of Matt just kept calling a Rota because nobody remember.

Wait, are you talking about Riba, McIntine? No, that's not on until 530. Promen's great I love her but yeah I said I used to be able to talk to Ronda all the time about my problems and Amanda who is a sociopath

a cold-eyed weird sociopaths well you could talk to me Matt it's like don't because she's a maniac and she's also your landlord who are never your friends also remember last week when she fucking totally tricked you

into working that huge party that she threw like he was cooking and he was like bartending in his own apartment someone broke his speakers yeah exactly better go take care of those speakers that people are rooting that I invited to this party the music's going down Matt but he's like oh you know

got laid off from the halfway house so I don't know how I'm going to even you know it's just a you know it's a real kick of the pants and she's like wow Matt that is sad for human beings by the way the rent is doing a few weeks Are you going to be okay? Do you have enough put aside for that? Oh, man. Click yes or no to answer. It's sad that you lost your human job, but the rent is due. And you're right, though, Kevin. It's insane that he just does not fire one off right in her face. Lugie torpedo. You'll get your one minute. You'll get your rent. And he kind of like storms off.

Thanks for nothing kind of a thing. Which is hilarious. Why, Matt? Why are you so upset at me? I was just asking if you had the funds needed. Or rent. But so the next, so now we cut to Jane, who is having, I mean,

let me see if I could find what song. She must be listening to some Paula Cole shit here, man. I don't know what, because she's like, she's having the moment that we've been waiting for, which is her like, just dumping this pig shit in the garbage, man. Yes, the pile.

is great. The big pile, and you're right, because I want to know what the actual song is from this, because clearly they didn't pay for the rights, because the song that's playing is like all about like running away with the love of your life. Yeah, I'm just like, wait, what? And I was just like, is it this like, you bastard

I fucking hate you? Like, that's what I want to hear right now. It's also that hysterical and this is also a 90210, just the anachronistic of course. Like bed music. It's just all this fucking, 2003 pop punk and shit

it's so awesome but no music is listened sadly so we'll never know there's gotta be a site somewhere that would tell me I'm sure there is so she's just dumping all of this stuff and like she just says

there it is this load of and she's like throwing a CDs there's a painting she breaks and like into a big pile and she says there it is this load of crap is what my marriage is turned to and like yikes man yeah that pile though

dude, I thought she was about to fucking light the place on fire. I thought so too. That'd be cool. And then, you know, we could all go to hell tonight. Yeah. Michael decide. Take Amanda's, uh, take Amanda's whole fucking job. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I think there's definitely at least, I think there's a couple of fires at Melrose place, maybe. So I thought this was going to be one of them. A sorrow day of reckoning will come from Balochai throne. One day the pool shall erupt in flames. One day, the heavens will cry mingo and cry blood. Oh, geez, Jane, there's going to be a mingo tonight. Let's mingo these dogs of mong.

Oh, Jane, geez, I hear him yelling mingo over there. It means they're fucking buggles. Klatu, ferrata, mingo. They give me the power I beg of you. Mingo, I beg of you. Mingo, I've come to bargain. No, Michael shows up and Jane lets him in. And Joe, you know, Joe's being a good friend.

Like, what's his fucking psychopath doing here? And she's like, no, no, no. I asked him here, you know, don't worry, Joe. Thank you. Because you can't mind your own business. So, babe, how's it going? It's amazing. She's like, here's your shit.

I want you to get it all out of here. And he's like, you're acting quite childish right now. Like, are you trying to get stabbed in this apartment? Is that like the, is that your goal here, Michael? Oh, man, it would be great. he did though. How is not like doesn't their lawyer be, shouldn't their lawyer be like, do not see each

other at all until, unless I am there. Unless I am in the fucking room with you. And yeah, Joe would have been perfect, but it's not just, drag her in there to fucking witness this shit. Exactly. Or just take the shit and leave it outside. Absolutely.

Because I mean, like this guy has like, has definitely as a screw loose. He's not above murdering you. That's for sure. And so it's this weird scene So he's I think he says You're acting quite childish This is when she goes full on Godfather It starts chucking plates at this guy

It's great Oh my God And it's like three episodes too late But I'm here for it I'm thrilled for her Something's happening you know Yeah When objects fly

Exactly She's just Whoa whoa whoa babe The Jider She did She did She did She kicks him out

Like you know This is it And he gives being like You know If you could just like relax With the divorce a little bit It's like It's not gonna happen pal

And that's like not the way To do that And he also does man This fucking asshole He goes But you know babe Punishing me Isn't gonna solve anything

You know You know what would be The worst thing ever Jane If you really want to hurt me Is you would fuck me here On top of all Of the broken glass

And everything But she went up, what do you call it there? Keep on fucking on broken black. Matt is now at the hospital and Michael sees him and is like, oh, what are you doing here, Matt?

I thought, for a second, I was like, what's going on with Matt? But no, he's actually applying for a job at the hospital, which is nice. And Michael is going to be a nice guy, or is he? He's like, oh, I could get you a job. Because he's like, yeah,

I just gave my resume, but it seems I'm not when you're talking to go anywhere. Not when you're talking to me. I'm a hot shit doctor here. I can do what I want, baby. But first, what do you think about my marriage? Oh, man. This is a test.

It's kind of great because he's just like, you know, yeah, but I know everybody hates me over there now. And then like, I love how Matt is just like, well, not really. Everybody just thinks, you know, it's nobody's business. It's nobody's darn business what happens in your marriage. It is kind of funny, too, that he's like so. transparent about it because he's like Michael says something like you know oh geez thanks or you know whatever and he's like yeah well you know you are gonna get me a job I guess I have to like you again and Matt has a bit of this hospital so he doesn't

Michael says like oh I'm hot shit here and I'm like you've been making out with Kimberly in every corner of this fucking place yeah you've been in the NICU trying to finger bang her and like this is what you think you think they like you? Are you kidding me? Oh, fucking Michael, yeah, throw the fucking resume out. Michael said this, good. That's the thing is the next scene. It kind of blends in, this Kimberly shows up. She's like, oh, my God, Michael, a subpoenaed by your crazy ex-wife.

Crazy ex-wife, not really, you're a maniac. But then she's like, it's going to ruin my reputation at the hospital. Like, no, dude, your relationship with the hospital is ruined anyway. You're in this bizarre soap opera with another, with a married intern and everybody knows it. Remember like last week when we We were all hanging out in the break room, and then your fucking wife barged in, and we all knew what that meant.

Everybody knows, Kimberly, like, your reputation is in pieces. Yes. One of you needs to get a different job, I think, honestly. Where is the hospital administrator here to step in, by the way, and be like, Michael, can I see you for a minute? Yeah. So your wife or ex-wife or whatever the fuck is going on with you, like, stormed in here and was, like, throwing furniture or whatever. Like, you know what, dude? Like, you're fucking fired.

Exactly. Finish your residency someplace else. But he's starting to Kimberly about, like, the finances and stuff. He says some crazy line about like, you know, being a doctor, it's a lot of hard work. That's why the financial rewards are there. God forbid your wife gets a dollar of that. I'm going to tell you for the last time, Michael. The morgue is not your hookup room.

Okay. We got to, this has got to stop. This has got to end now. But the cold keeps both on nipples hot. Next time you come up into this morgue, you better be laying on a slab. Mr. Mancini, this patient by the name Mr. Rodriguez claims that I hope falsely

that he was knocked out under anesthesia and you fucked on top of him. That's what Mr. Rodriguez says. I plead bingo. And we called that the Mancini Mingo. the horizontal bingo double bingo that night but it's kind of a great scene

because she's like you know really upset like oh my god Michael my reputation is going to be ruined LOL but she's like I can't go through with this and he's like well I thought I she said something like I don't I figure out what she says she said something something like well I thought I was dating an educated woman but I guess I was wrong now she's stupid

yes I love that that's how it works Olympic level negging. Just incredible. And she just comes back at him and she's like, you know, I don't know what. I thought I was dating somebody with like morals or something. He's like, you know what? I can believe, I guess I'll just move out. And I'm like, well, that was fast. It was a real

it was a bizarre turn for Michael here. I don't know what his angle was. Maybe he's just a lunatic. So he's like, I'm going to move out. And it's like, okay. Meanwhile, Kimberl, Jane has the worst idea you could have, which is, I'm going through a. a rough patch personally. Let me get my psychopathic sister back in my house. I want to house. Who I hate. Yes. Who I hate

by the way. I hate her guts. And they hate each. Like at the end of the last episode that she was on, they openly expressed that they hate each other and that it's okay for them never to see each other again. Jane should get divorced from the sister as well. Yes, exactly. Like this is not like oh mom sent her out here to help you out. Like you know what mom? I don't need that crazy fucking idiot in my house anyway. How about that? But so she picks her up at the airport

and like, you know, what's her face? Sydney is like basically like kind of like try to get the hot goss on what happened and Jane won't say. Also Jane like it's one of those who, you know, it's the 90s so we're going right to the gate to pick her up.

Jane has just parked like in the front of the airport. Are you fucking kidding? You just left your car out front at L-A-X? Yeah, okay. And Brandon's is the one that gets his wheels ripped off. But

like, it's like, oh, I'm so glad you're here, Sid, and it's like, yeah, we're sisters or something. And there's definitely don't hate you. There's a scene with them at the beach, and she's like, oh, you know, my wedding day was the happiest day of my life. And then Sidney's like, I fucking hated your wedding day, you

bitch. I mean, I love you. It's so wild. meanwhile Michael and Kimberly are, he's like and he's actually packing up. He's like, well, we had a fight at work. And she's just like dude, we had a fight. It happens. Don't worry about it. She's like putting the moves on him, which works.

They fuck. Oh yeah. You know, it'll fix this fucking mingo. That's a mingo. Well, I just heard someone else shout mingo in the apartment complex now that I think someone's taking my stuff. That's why I'm material.

I copyrighted vingo. That's my move. Who's coming out there? Who's coming? And so they fuck. And then like while they're canoodling, you know, basically she's like, you know, Kimberly's like, get on and I'm going to say to these people. And Michael's like, what if you said nothing?

It's her word against us. Why don't we be in a weird secret relationship? And why don't you break the lore for me? Yeah. Shoot. And then these like. It's two respectable doctors versus some crazy girl. What if it turned out that we were actually supervillains, Kimberly?

Instead of being normal people, we could be super villains. Again, I'm sure this doesn't happen in this show. But all J&S do is like, hey, any other residents, would you like to testify against my husband? Absolutely. Did you see these two kissing? Yes, I did. Yeah, there's Allison.

Allison saw them fucking kissing in the parking lot. So right there, there's a fucking witness. Yep. The janitor, whomever else. Yeah, that dude, he's cleaning up all their mingo byproducts. Malachi throne, he'll testify. Exactly. I can see through time and see it.

Of course, I've seen you phone. I also respect a court of law. I will not perjure myself. And meanwhile, first. Well, her line to close it out, Steve. is fucking ridiculous because like the whole idea of starting this plan is getting them both

really horny and he's like oh again oh geez oh Kimberly and she goes I'll do all the work I always do and like gets on top of him so it's like of course this dude is also bad and bad

I just lay down and you could just you could stroke my Italian cocktail something happens I'm a lifeless law go I hope you get off because I'm gonna mingo just keep on calling me

garbage just keep on calling me garbage you know Michael one of these days I'd like to bingo yeah I don't care I've mingered already we're putting on TV

well this is when he's making like this after sex sandwich to beat the band this thing's got like all sorts of all the trimins on it and Sydney because she's a horrible horrible person

calls Michael and it's like Hey big brother How's it going? And he's like, whoa, what's going on, Sid? He's like, how did you go on line one? This is a future bingo eight and a half. Oh, absolutely. Why have one redhead when you could have two?

Exactly. Jesus Christ, this guy. And it's also weird because she's, I was looking this up, apparently what do you call it there? Sydney, the actress, whatever her name is, is actually older than the actress who plays Jane by a couple years. But it's the way she plays it.

She plays it all like weird because she has to be younger. So she overdoes like the little kidishness. And it's, it's unsexy and unsettling. You know what I mean? It's very, it's like what's her face in that first taken movie? Yes. Maggie Grace. Because like she's supposed to be 18 or whatever.

And she's like fucking 30. Exactly. So she's just like, wow, Michael. that sounds so sad and he's like well why don't I take you out to lunch tomorrow at Johnny Rockets oh man nice yeah he's really spending he really wants this to work out of just fucking what do I take you out to Chuckie Jesus exactly at least they have they got games you can win a prize or something yeah then maybe I can bingo you in the bathroom five dollar milkshake what do they put mingo in it or something dude

Actually, no, that's illegal. I guarantee you someone's putting Mingo in the food at Chucky Cheese. One location, guess where? You at home are probably saying, they're saying Mingo too much. I think we're showing quite a lot of composure by carrying on it all. Do you still got that video handy? I do. I would like to hear that again.

Just really quickly. People like it. To remind everybody, you know, the reference. And I'm sorry if you don't like it. Someone does, though. And bingo the phone rings. I'm going to be thinking about that for the rest of my fucking life. Absolutely.

I love it. I love it. But in this scene, Sydney is like, oh, my God, Michael, it's so bad that you and Jane didn't work out, probably because Jane's trash, right? He's like, you're totally right. Hey, could you do me a solid and tell her to, like, ease up on the whole divorce thing? I don't even know. I don't know what Michael's plan is here.

Like, even if my crazy shitty sister comes up to me, and it's like, hey man, you shouldn't come after that dude's money. It ain't going to work. And she is dressed up like she's about to go on a date with Dick Tracy. Like, it's just such a mismatch. Like, she's actually, looks like she's supposed to be at, like, she's serving at Johnny Rockets, honestly.

Well, they kind of dresser like Blossom a little bit. Yes, exactly. Because it's all a little kid. It's kid chic, Chris. That's what we're going for here. I see. Yes. Kid chic. And as far as Michael's, like, plan or whatever, I mean, He's a fucking psychopath. He doesn't believe he'll get caught.

And that's like he is going to go in and try to fuck his sister-in-law. Because why wouldn't he? He's not going to get in trouble. It's terrific. And that's kind of where we leave it basically, right? Am I right there? That's been, yeah. Because now Mingo, it's the Billy and Allison show.

This one gets wild. Mingo was his name. You know, they're back in bed. And Billy is, you know, trying to make his case that, you know, Keith is the guy. And he even says, That's right. He did say that. I wanted to make sure everybody knew that he said that. I love that. The other thing, speaking of the things that he says, though, in this conversation, I mean, they have been this insane, dumb, you know, will they, won't they, like, choose for idiots stuff here. Like, they've only been together, like, a week or two, really, realistically, maybe, right? Billy's all like, oh, I'll all, like, oh, I'll all. I love you. I love you,

Alethan. And, dude, she's all fucking ditto. Yeah, that's, what are you doing, dude?

That's a tough one. That's a tough one to come back. It's a big, the quote, sign of it's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there. Absolutely, dude.

Yikes. I mean, she's been his sex mom for a while, though, before she transitioned to girlfriend. That's true. And so he's got some backup.

She has more ground to cover. Because she didn't, he wasn't necessarily her sex son, but she was interested in that relationship at the time what sucks here though is it sucks when Billy is right yes

and he's totally right here because Allison for some fucking reason is like well I'm going out to see Keith for a good bye dinner because he's leaving tomorrow and by the way I'm not saying it here but I'll let you know later I'm also driving him to the

air was the dinner even there I thought she was just driving him in the airport and he's just like here's No, no, no. It's two different nights. The first night is, like, what's, what's happening, you know, the next day or whatever, like, you know, the night after they're having sex right here. And she says to him, like, tomorrow night is Keith's last night in town and I'm going out for a goodbye dinner. And Billy's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm your boyfriend.

It's your ex-boyfriend who you hate. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, but he's done so much for me. And I'm like, has he? Has he? And also, it's kind of, just quote, Seinfeld again, like, this is the meal. Banya, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not driving to the airport and take you to dinner.

Like, if not, like, you get one, Keith. He had that thing where he's like, I want to get together and just talk or whatever. It fucking happened. Dude, Allison, you brought him to that fucking Amanda party? Like, come on. It's enough already with Keith. I'm not even sure if, do we see the dinner? Because all I remember is them holding hands at the carnival from Jordan Peels us.

That is what they do now. Basically, it's like, they don't even. think either the dinner happens before or they don't get to it because Billy interferes right here. Because Bill they're just, they're on the boardwalk at a carnival as they always are. There's always a fucking carnival at Melrose

Place. And you know, Keith is just like, yeah, this reminds me of old times, Allison. And she's like, yeah, it does. And he's like, he says, can we hold hands for old times sake? And she's like, yeah, sure. And you, I mean

like, nothing that. happens to Allison is her fault, but this is very stupid. Allison, can we mingo for old time's sake? Exactly. You don't, you got to send this guy clear signals. And again, like, this guy's a lunatic and everything's on him. But you do, like, as an

ex-boyfriend, you just got to be like, no, that's inappropriate. Let's just go somewhere else. You know what I mean? Like, and or not meeting for dinner. Yeah. When he asks you, when he tells you that, you know, friends grab each other's butts all the time, you might want to tell him, maybe not.

Not tonight. To quote Happy Madison, or is Happy Gilmore. Friends listen to endless love in the dark. But Billy... I mean, the hold hands for old times. I'll never get over that. Billy, Intrepid Boy Detective, is behind them the whole time because he doesn't trust his Keith, nor should he.

And he follows them under the docks where he leads her. It's like, well, Allison, let's just go under the docks like old times. Okay. And he starts saying, he's like, you know, Allison, actually I lied. Things aren't going so hot in Seattle. I was put on probation at work and then demoted. Oh, man. This is a funny thing, though, because how?

Now I'm cleaning the dolphin pen, Allison. That's where I'm at right now. Well, that's what's fucking hysterical. It's like, how does a marine biologist or an ecologist or whatever he is get demoted? Like, you don't work in a fucking factory or an ad agency. Like, how does a scientist get demoted? I guess he'd work on lesser and lesser fish or something. Yeah, right?

Like, they just moved him to plankton only or something. You're on the bonnacles now. You're all barnacles. I got demoted at the science research facility. Hello, Keith Gray, Barnacles Department. Yes, they stick to the bottom of fish. Yes, they stick to the bottom of ships. Talk to you later.

I have no other facts for you. That's it. Yep. Keith Gray Barnacle Department. Yep. They stick to the bottom of ships. Talk to you soon. Keith Gray, yep, demoted scientist.

Hey, Dean Yeager. It rules. But this is what he moves in for a weird hug. And Allison's, you know, giving him a nice hug. It's a friendly hug. And this is what the hell is going on? But she goes. She goes, he's not an axe murderer.

He's an ecologist. And also, he's fucking. Billy's just stalking her now, which is funny. Exactly. Weird. It's like real something about Mary vibes where everyone's stalking Allison. But there's only one person who asked another person to go under a boardwalk in the middle of the night man. Oh, I'll say right up, I think there's a little mingo in your hair.

Some dude who's selling me booze at Atlantic City wanted us to go under the boardwalk and I wouldn't do it. I would not do it. That was a true story from your life. When I was 16, we were in Atlantic City, we had a buddy and, like, we met some guy. Who had mingo in his eyes. We went off the boardwalk to the liquor store and some homeless guy was going to buy his booze

and he walked into the store. They knew immediately what was going on. Like, get the fuck out of here. And on his way out, he sees some other guy and the guy's like, oh, I'll take care of him for you. So we give him the money. And then the other, our first homeless guy just comes to his like, If he kills you, it's not my fault.

And then walks away and I'm like, fine. Great. So, like, I'm on high alert. We're waiting for him to give us the booze after we paid for him. He's like, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here under the boardwalk. And that's when I wouldn't do it. My buddy did. And that's how he got the booze.

He went under the boardwalk. And he got it? He got the booze. Did the dude try anything? No, he did not try it? So this was an honest, honest man there. Exactly. I judged a book by its covers.

Right. You feared Mingo, but none. was there. Well, you know, I mean, honestly, a safe move. Yes, absolutely. Oh, yes. Steve, you did the right thing. No doubt. Stay in public if you can. It's totally fine. But so the next scene base, it's kind of interesting because you would think that would be

like Allison being like Billy or being overprotective, but she's okay with it. She's like, oh, you know, you were just being silly last night, Billy. And tonight's the last night of me and Keith because now I'm finally driving this fuck to the airport after six months of the Keith trip. Hey, uh, Hey, Allison,

this is a Billy, Billy Campbell trivia here. Uh, before I got my job at the magazine, I worked as a what driver. Oh,

that's right now. The cab driver. Hire him a fucking cow. Seriously, like, you know what? Like, we had dinner last night.

I will see you. You know, give me a call in a couple weeks and we'll talk it out. Like, that's it. Drive me to the airport.

Well, because Billy doesn't even like, what we're missing from the scene where he finds that it like breaks it up between him is there is actual axe killer music going on it's like a Brian De Palma movie for a little bit here

and like dude the makeup job they are doing on cute sorry I'm just laughing at that the makeup job because it is like he's like the first part of turning into a werewolf where you're like sweaty and like kind of greasy

yes and like a little bit yellow and gray at parts like it's right there and it's kind of amazing because, like, he does say something creepy, Chris, you're right, where when he's hungeringer, he's like, I'm so sorry that I have to do this, Allison, or something like that. Oh, man.

I have to show you your double. Here, you got a switch. It's just a wide-eyed Courtney Thorntzmith staring at the camera. Yeah, I'd like that. Meanwhile, Billy is swimming in a pool, in the pool, and she's like, wow, so you're not going to follow me tonight. He's like, no, Alphen, unless it's just a regular.

airport trip between two old friends that I've learned my lesson you know what I mean and she's like good Billy I'll be home he's like be sure that you're wearing nothing when you get back I'd like the mingo this evening he's also stoked to I guess have rid of the house because he's like although there's

a Dodger game on Allison so promptly leave I'm a little busy this afternoon and some other night maybe we can have mingo mania and we can really go at it but not with this axe killer in our life. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Mingo Mania. And this is when, and this is a very uncomfortable scene, she gets to hit the the slumlord lodge or wherever the hell he's staying at. Really shitty, this is the thing. This is a really shitty hotel or deaf motel situation,

but like they have this nice room service option. I seriously doubt it. There's two things. Yeah, that and the elevator. I was very surprised by both facts. This place is an elevator because she comes in and she's like, well, Keith, let's get you off to that airport. Where's your bag?

He's like, oh, I've ordered a dinner, Alison. Why don't you sit down? And she's like, well, no, I thought we were to go to the airport. It's like, and this is when the twist happens here. Don't patronize me, bitch. He turns so fast. It's really jarring

what they've done to Keith here. I'm in control now, bitch. Because he locks the door on her. He's like, well, why are you locked the door? It's like, because it's going to, it's happening now, Allison, or whatever the hell he's there. The serum is taking over my body, Allison. It's a full moon, Allison. And now I'm a whirwolf.

It turns into a dolphin. That'd be cool. You're in trouble now, bitch. Sorry, Allison. I have to get it wet. Oh, yes. A suss on a hole grows in the back of his neck. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Allison, I'm going to need you to mingo in my blowhole. Yeah, that's the, yes, because basically he throws her on the bed and he says, we're going to make love like we used to, Allison. And he's taking his pee-p-out? Oh, my God. I was happy that this ended where it was because it takes them off. She does.

But it took way too long. He starts unbuttoning her blouse. I'm like, who is this for really? It's pretty wild for Fox at 9 p.m., man, I have to say. Yeah. because he's unbuttoning her boss and he's like you're going to get it or whatever the hell she says he says and she's she kicks him in the day fox knows that like 20% of the audience at any given time are Keith types exactly like finally the man's doing it yes we have to linger

on it a little bit Roger Ailes just walks in one day he's like they all have to be keats our audience has to be all key and he got what he wanted exactly and she runs out thankfully there was a little door shenanigans I'm like oh god Allison get out of there I was like in a horror movie like run run run you know what I mean like anymore ready

but she gets in the elevator and probably cries she comes home and pours herself she is drinking I mean I guess it's not the new subplot is her drinking because it's it's like a fucking leader of vodka on ice is what her favorite drink is

a big fucking high ball glass just a couple of cubes and filling it like three quarters of the way. It's a lot. So she's like, you know, Billy it was a rough night at Keith, so I'm going to go to bed and rightfully, Billy's like, well, that's not sexy. I believe there was Mingo that was

mentioned. I've got all these condoms here, Alfa, they're not going to fill themselves. You're a sex mom, not just mom, right? Do you see the Mingo banner I made up? I put it above our little arc here. Does Mingo accomplice? we got to accomplish it first

you know I wish that he was saying I have all these condoms to fill because that would be a better line than what he does say which is you could tell me anything Allison I love you

dude he does it again I got to fill all these condoms and sell him the guy under the boardwalk it's the only way he's buying me liquor later yeah I know I'm over 21 this is how I do it

wait I could do it by myself Bingo, I'm going to do that right now. The condom man says she needs it to live. I don't ask questions. Okay, shopkeep, my good man. How much come in the condom you need for one of those bottles? Money. Don't think it don't say it, the condom man, dude.

He does get it out of her that he attacked her, and it's really horrible. So we go to the police and enter Mrs. Laruso. Hello. Yeah, dude, detective Mrs. LaRusa. Randy Heller as police detective Altman here who's from the Karate Kid and also Madman, by the way. She played the old lady that dies. She was an astronaut.

Oh, fuck, that's right. I forgot that was her. He just died too, speaking, and she was an astronaut. Yeah, Robert Morris. He just passed away. He's an astronaut too now. They're both trying to find heaven. But so...

Get on my spaceship. It'll take you to hell. She winds up, you know, she's... And I, you're a little unclear about where this is going because he... Sorry, Billy is in the interview room with her, which probably wouldn't be allowed, I would guess. You know what I mean? Like...

Yeah, that seems... Unless there's a thing where it's like, do you want him here like for support or something? I don't know. He could be here, but he cannot eat caramel corn. He has to put that away somewhere else. I'm just, I'm sick of it. Well, you know what, Allison?

I don't know what I don't know. I'm supposed to do. It's 2 o'clock. 2 o'clock is what I eat my candy corn every day. Nice, nice, nice. Allison, I would love to finish this interview with you, but can he stop licking his fingers? It's like just gross to look at,

honestly. Well, Allison, you know, sometimes some of the orange and green dye from the candy corn gets on your fingers. You're going to lick it off. You know, we all lose something in this world. Allison, candy corn. No, please. They keep talking about your sexual assault.

I'll just be here like a ghost. mong mingo but she explains what has been going what's weird here is it only comes up a little bit but it's not like oh this guy has been behind it all he's been calling me he beat up my boyfriend he did all this stuff

no we're just leading it to this last piece which is the most important one obviously but still it's like because it's basically like well how long did you date you know what I mean like when did you stop seeing him etc etc all this stuff but it's it's just odd that they They don't tie it all in, you know?

Well, that's, it's like, and they have Billy say it a couple times, and it's never explored because he's like, well, of course Keith did it. He's been giving her grief for weeks. And, like, Detective Mrs. Laruso is never like, well, what does that mean? Yes, exactly. Or where's the other detective from the other episode who's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, link that shit. Oh, yes.

So now you're back and you've been being harassed. And now you're just assaulted by your ex-boyfriend. That's, that's a mingo. You know what I mean? Yeah, where were the cops from? when he put fucking whore in the man exactly but that doesn't happen but like

I thought we were going to do a thing where she doesn't believe her but she kind of does Keith actually gets arrested on his way out of town which kind of arrested at the airport five minutes before boarding too and what's this guy's name his name is

hold on his name is Keith his name is Keith my name is Keith Chip Ellis as the cop here Oh, Chris Ellis. Chris Ellis. Yes. Apollins. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was shocked.

Yeah, I was shocked that he's just such a low-level cop. You know what I mean? Like, he's he's in movies and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, early 90s. Yeah. Yeah, it was probably a little, because he's in like Armageddon and shit, so it's not that far away. Isn't that the guy who played a shop owner

in 27 movies? I just looked him up. He was in Days of Thunder before this, my cousin Vinny before this. And undercover blues, the same year as this. Oh, undercover. That was it so far. Hey, a little yank you worse.

I got your money. Yeah, I know that. That's awesome. How do I know those aren't one dollar bills? Yeah, I'll get your buddy. But so they wind up, what he called there. He gets arrested and he's being interviewed by Detective Mrs. Laruso, and he's doing this thing where he's like, well, she came over and

she threw herself at me, but I said no thing. But yeah, he basically goes to the whole, he tells the story like, where, where she's, was the she got dumped in Seattle because she was like such a terrible person and now you know I just happen to come here and whoops the doodle she tried to have sex with me and I was like no thank you it's kind of awesome

because detective Mrs. Laruso does see right through it man because she's like she's like oh you're a pretty nice guy aren't you Mr. Gray and he's like well I like to think of myself as such and she goes you better get yourself a lawyer Mr. Gray because you raped that girl didn't

you fucking right at him Yeah, because the thing is like, you know, if people are accused, they're mad if they didn't do it. Oh, yes, that's right. You know, being cordial or whatever. Real chipper about it. So then he, but unfortunately, the DA doesn't think there's enough evidence to prosecute. They had to cut them loose. And this is when...

Are you guys sure? I could produce a semen sample before I leave. I'm a big freak. Helpful Keith Gray. So, but he sees them in the hall, Alice that had Billy in the hallway and he's like, well all of a sudden you did it this time guess you i guess i'll see you later and then he goes he's like see you later sport i've been reading the great gatsby and i call people's sport now i mean he he also tells alison no hard feelings which i think is a pretty great thing to say

after what he did well the sport thing too man i don't think it's gatsby so much as it's like i'm treating you like a little kid and i'm calling you sport his big big daddy won this round i'm like three feet taller yeah you know i should be technically i should be your sex dad since me and Allison belong to each other. I'm really into instigating people into trying to hurt me. So why don't you go,

sport? And, you know, they go back home and Allison's just, you know, back on the drink again. And you know, who's going to blame her? Not me.

I ain't going to blame her. No, sir. No way, man. I say I have another one. She pours a big one. And she's like, I'm just going to go to bed alone. And he's like,

well, that costs the steak. I believe there's a smoke big mingo on the menu. And he does this thing because it's Billy, like, it'd be great if he was just like, you know, I can't believe with that guy, did you what, we can't be the victims in this, Allison, it's about me now. I've been humiliating.

Of course. Well, yeah, because the best is the next scene where he gets on a phone, he gets on the phone, calls Keith, he's like, listen to me now. I have no skills. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I do not know how to even get myself to the airport. but I will find it and I will attempt to kill you I probably will fail those mingo him buying a ticket and going to Seattle and calling his the guy at work and being like follow him I'm going to be gone for a few days

I don't care for you tell him you tell listen I'm leaving the commit a fault it was a weird detail that this guy's giving him shit on the other end of the phone dude and it's it's that same guy Cameron who he works with who we've met before And there's a weird, like, he, yeah, he's like, all right, Cameron, fine, it's the deal. Like, this dude, just to agree to deliver a message to their boss, like, makes him strike some bargain?

What a fucking asshole. You're not going to get very far in Seattle, Billy. He's just going to wind up, like, fucking Martin Balsam and Psycho, just going backwards under a bunch of stairs. Oh, no, I'm running over my hat. It's Keith in a draft. Wow. fell out the stair You're going up against a werewolf

You don't have the juice You just don't have it Tonight Billy Campbell Sleeps with the fishes And that's it It's like a dramatic ending Oh yeah When he set that up

He was too person He shows up Mingo the phone rings But yeah That's Mingo That's Mingo This is a real question here Who wins

the white riot this month. I'll start with Andrew Juppen. Oh, man. It's really tough. Both are spectacular for various reasons. But, you know, I'm going to go ahead and against

my better judgment, I'm going to give it to 90210. Because 902.0, basically the singular storyline, we do have Stephen Andrea, like late to the party, literally. but with Melrose Place like as much as the fucking

Keith saga continues to be insane the other useless stuff with like Matt and Matt by the way we didn't even finish it like he meets up with he meets up with Amanda at the at the motorcycle scene when she tells Jake to drive her car to work and she apologizes and like

that's the end of it there's so much like fucking dead shit and I just liked that 902 when I was like one wild story the whole time agreed Eric Siska oh yeah I think I am also going to go with 902 and O just because I had more fun in the outrageousness of that. This one got a little

serious in certain scenes. So I'm going to 9-0-2-0. Christopher Cabin? See, I have to go with Melro because I was so annoyed with 902. How these kids are treating each other. And like, that's not every episode where they're just all fucking up, like how they treat their friends on that.

It really annoyed me. And like this, I have, look, I have it in my notes. Michael and Kim, too horny and going insane. Next line. Keith, also now insane.

It's like, everybody's going crazy. Finally, we're going into like the storm of Melrose's place where like everybody's just absolutely fucking nuts. And that's wrong.

That is the energy I like. That's real fucking energy. And, yeah, I didn't feel it with 902 and O. And I will, I'm a 9-2-0 guy and I think I've got a huge

soft spot Emily Valentine. I'm also judging this episode by the next episode and who doggie. So it's as a two-partners today plus, so I have to give it to this. And you know, the rape scene is really uncomfortable. It lingers a little long for my tastes.

But I mean, I love where we're going. I love the mingo. It was a stellar month of entertainment, I think. Definitely. And I have to issue a warning. And I texted you guys about this. If you're just like sitting back to watch like this episode of Melrose

place. Be forewarned that both on IMDB and at least the Paramount Plus app in the United States, the next episode, so the episode we will be covering next month, they give a massive thing away right in the episode description. And I don't want anyone

ruining things for themselves accidentally. So be forewarned. After Matt is mysteriously killed and never seen again on the show. That's going to do it this month. I have been Stephen Sadek. Andrew Eric Mingo.

The Chris Cabin. Take it easy, you know. Just take it easy out there, folks. It's a fucking bad out there, dudes. Thank you.