We Hate Movies - S14: WHM Mail Bag (November 2023)

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

On the November 2023 edition of WHM Mail Bag, the guys are reading some outrageous letters from listeners about things like Crispin Glover freaking out before a film screening, one eager fan of The Hunger Games that absolutely destroyed a movie theater bathroom (and himself in the process), a US naval officer who got mixed up on his way to the toilet during basic training, and one person looking to get justice for Jake Lloyd and his performance in Episode I!  DON’T MISS  OUT! Get tickets for the WHM Holiday Extravaganza that's happening THIS THURSDAY, December 7th, where we’re talking The Santa Clause at White Eagle Hall in Jersey City, New Jersey! Want more WHM? Join our Patreon fam today and instantly unlock hours and hours of exclusive bonus content, including Ad-Free WHM Prime at the $8 level and up! If you want your wild stories read on the air, or have a burning question for the gang, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]!

I don't know So, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be the I'm going to be. I'm going to

be the I'm going to and I'm and a bit of and I'm and

I'm and I'm going What's going on, everybody, welcome to the November edition of WHM Mailbag. My name is Andrew Rubin. We are broadcasting live tonight. We are going to read a bunch of letters from y'all. Maybe we'll take some cues if we have some time.

Welcome here in the chat. Tio Bittio. Fortune's Daughter. Thank you for tuning in here. Veronica Forker. I'm so Rachel, Bryn Robinson, Alicia Olivier, Glass House Films, Nick B. How are y'all doing this evening? Thanks for tuning in live. Sucked. There they are. Love that sucked. Yes, sucked. Yes, indeed. I'm going to bring in my friends here. We're going to read some letters. First one up. New setup, new monitor. Here he is fuck broadcast cave. Eric Cisca. The Star Wackers are real.

You look like you believe it, dude. And I look like Randy Quaid with this beard and hat, by the way, I just realized. Yeah. We both, I think we're both Randy Quaid. Something to aspire to, dude. Some dude who has always got a great t-shirt game going. And this is just like, you could say like, tonight's is whatever, but tonight is a fucking fantastic t-shirt.

Steven Sadek. That's right. It's some Batman Returns level kind of a basketball. There's a difference in the logo. Of course there is. Jesus Christ. What's the difference? I thought that's the same as he's got these over here.

You know what I mean? It's a little he's taking a shit. Is that a turtle hat? Yeah, it's a little like boop. Yes, it's the 89. I think it's 89 for sure. I believe it's also in returns, but you know, you can tell me. That he's got the boop. Yeah, it's got the little guy over here.

Yeah. Steve, last night, I rewatch Mask of the Fantasm on 4K. You know what, dude? That movie was released on Christmas Day, as we talked about back on our AD episode a couple years back. It's now kind of become a Christmas movie for me, sort of because of that. And we did the AD in like a December, I think it was anyway. There's some snow going on in that movie. There is. Yeah. It's not like Batman Returns. So how does the 4K work on that? They like to retrace it like darker? Yes. Like the line's a little more clear?

I think that's what happened. Yeah. Oh, and another guy, can't forget this guy. You know him. You love him, folks. I know him. Mr. Chris Cabin. It's seen in the episode of Fistful of Data's exclusive

Skybox playmates start. Oh, now you're just reading to my back to this. Included Sheriff. You've ran out of everything. In Western attire from the hit TV show, Star Trek, the next generation. Save something. for the toilet. Save something to read on the toilet.

This is a collectible. I'm not taking this into the toilets. Show me what we're looking at here, dude. I didn't see what's who we're talking about. It's a Sheriff Wharf. Oh, Sheriff. Oh, yes. One of our nice fans gave this to us on one of our four stops and it has stayed in my little cave down here. I've got so many Star Trek toys from that exact fan or good buddy Cody. I'm allowed to put. a TNG ornament on the on the tree because I bought only one where a data is holding

spot who looks exactly like our cat right my wife's thrilled about it so we're all having a great time there we go I got a TOS one coming dude it's a Sulu doing the sword fighting oh nice that's nice did they paint his nipples on that little ornament or no I think I'm going to have to do the nipple painting

to be completely honest with you someone's going to have to it's going to have a project during Christmas it's important to have things to do some crafting to do that's right very nice thing to do for you some people make gingerbread houses you know i paint nipples on toys that don't have them sure yet important things that's right how many nick cave ornaments does uh lovely jen have uh on that tree it's a great question i don't think we have a single nick cave ornament at the time oh my god at the moment a nick cave christmas ornament be do you think uh maybe it would be the mercy seat possibly

electric chair. A red right hand? Come on. A red right hand that you can plug into the Christmas light string like Eric's T-O-S. And it, but oh, no, it released during Scream 3, so it's the Scream 3 version where he goes, you scream once you scream twice, you scream

again. Yeah, he did. There's a scream three version of Red Right Hand. And dude, I thought you were joking. You said not. He recorded it. I think it's him. If I remember there's another i was just watching hellboy with so and there is one of the worst covers of red right hand who be really it's of like for a minute there you think because they

have the organ stabs so you think it's the real thing and then all of the sudden you hear like some like 23 year old saying like red right hand have we had an eerie doll version of that song uh i imagine yes you've had to by now right somebody did it i don't know sorry eric i stepped all over you, dude. What were you saying? No, no, sorry. I guess I stepped on. We're stepping today, dude. We're stepping out. We're stepping out. It's one way you're putting it. So we got some letters to read here that postmaster

Cliff Clavin. I mean, Chris Cabin has compiled. We are stepping out. I don't know if you're nowhere my little tax says here. I'm from Jersey City. Oh, right. I thought you were from the Bronx. Well, I'm from the Bronx, but I've actually now lived in Jersey City. Your narrative is constantly changing.

Is this the new 50 too, Steve? No. Dude, excellent. Well, I've been here for 12 years now

almost. So that's, and I think like, it's like six more years and then it's like it's evening out maybe or no, it's going to be eight.

But I still, I can see myself staying here eight more years. But because Jersey City is wonderful, it has so many great things, including a beautiful theater called White Eagle Hall. I don't know if you're aware of that.

What's going on there? Well, next Thursday, exactly one week from tonight we'll be on stage all four of us talking about the Santa Claus. Oh, no shit. Which is the Santa Claus is if you kill Santa Claus

you must become him no matter what. If you Merrick Santa Claus, you will become him. Right. Remember, folks, I didn't get fat. Someone fell off my roof. I said, right. And I put his clothing on for some reason. I'll

tell you what, I was putting together the the pre-show video you know and so I'm watching the trailer the other day and I had not seen a lick of this movie in at least like 15 years or so we are going to have a fucking ball folks you absolutely have to come to this show

it is a ridiculous movie it is a flat out ridiculous movie we're going to have so much fun poking holes in it I will be drinking eggnog on stage by the way oh yeah you got that set up well not yet it's eggnog be nice getting warm in the car for you. Yeah, yeah. Put it near the radiator.

That's what makes a good. All I can say is bring your own. You know how these venues are. It's like, here you are, Mr. Jupp, but it's some milk with gum in it. Yeah. Here you go. Oh, it's eggnog, but the only kind I could find was almond milk. And then I slapped that boy across

the face. A homeless man gave this to me. Jersey City is so easy to get to you, by the way. I just want to really if you're in Brooklyn, it's like, 30, I can get to Williamsburg in 30 minutes flat, no problem. It's a easy ride. It's an easy ride.

By the way, I should have, I need to apologize Tim Allen for Monday's show, Monday's live stream on screen, by the way. Because I had, I'd spread a lie. I don't know if you guys remember Andrew and Eric. Oh, I don't know. I don't be fucking horseshit. All right. This is not, no, it's real. Clear your name. Clear your name. So what happened was

Tim Allen was trending on Twitter that morning. I'm like, hey, that's great, because we're doing the show. I'm obviously going to check it out on Twitter. And what I find out, everyone's like, well, fuck you, Tim Allen. I love my dog.

My cat loves me. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I go deep. I try to go deep on it. The deepest I can get is what it's, I believe it's, it's an account that's like,

well, so Tim Allen thinks that animals don't, are incapable of love. I think that they are. What do you think? And then everyone went ape shit. Right. And then like,

but I couldn't find the quote. then I believe Eric was even looking for the quote as well scouring the internet and a couple hours later this person was like so everyone's asking me where this is when Tim Allen said this well I'll let you know it was the last man it was last man standing episode four season 13 and it's like no no that's a fictional television show so no it's not and that's for and if Tim Allen said that it was for comedic effect I don't believe that Tim Allen believes that or Tim Allen's surrogate in Last Man's

probably Bill or Frank or Tom. He's a vlogger. He's a vlogger. That's the important thing to remember is he's a consistent vlogger and he's a masculine man. Right. All right. So this person, this person is freaking out on the internet

because they were incapable of telling reality from fiction. Yes. And that's just fascinating. You know, honestly, I think it made him sound cooler. If Tim Allen was just like dogs, are incapable of love. These are just animals and they have no soul. At least it's something.

So is it an episode where like that character maybe he learns a daughter wants to get a dog or something? It's like, this is why animals are bad, rough, rough. Yeah, I think that's probably what's going on. They just keep, they just keep on begging you for your bacon. I mean, why can't they just bugger off?

I just, I want to have my bacon. You should be strangled. So James Gandalfini likes to murder people while he's taking his daughter out to look at colleges. Pretty fucked up. We shouldn't celebrate that guy even though he's dead. Father of the year, Pope. Father of the year right there.

He provides. You know what? He provides that, man. So James Gandalfi, get this. Supposed nice guy, James Gandalfini. Has his office. You're not going to believe this. In the back of a strip club.

Oh, no. Wow. Real nice guy. Real role model. Hey, he's going to therapy. He's trying. Yeah. You can take all the pictures with Shrek you want. That's just disgusting. After this trip, he goes down to New Orleans to meet Brad Pitt and hang out for a little bit. He'll be just fine. He'll be right as rain. Ready to be the family man he's meant to be.

Oh, man. Well, so I'm glad we cleared the air about that, Steve. I don't want to get sued by the Allen estate. I will be just screaming hair. hate against Tim Allen. Oh, of course. Most of Thursday night. Thursday, this coming Thursday, December 7th.

That's right. White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey. Should say, I really like the art that Philippe did for this. Of course, it's wonderful. Yeah. Christmas tinged. I got to bring the hats. I'll be wearing a hat. I bought a show shirt too. Who a show shirt. I love that.

It'll be funny if it gets here on time. Otherwise, I'll just be wearing a shirt. I found this hat in the gutter and I placed. it upon my own head. Oh, no, dude, be careful. You're going to get Santa Claus. Yeah. I already did. Christmas slice. That's what that comes with. So we should start off. So I think it's got to be Eric's got to take this first one. Oh, okay. It's got a wish Chris. It's got a key figure from a Cisco lore. Oh, wow. Okay. It's called read the fine print. Hello, cinema comrades. I'm a big fan of the lawyer. Patreon follower. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Patreon.com slash we ate movies. That's that in the letter? But yeah. They even hyperlinked it in their own email. Do not read the fine print for Patreon. Just subscribe. I was inspired to tell my Crispin Glover story after enjoying your recent Friday the 13th virtual show. Oh, that was a hell of a time, by the way. If you guys missed that, it's gone. but I promise you it was really fun. It was very nice.

It was wonderful time. I worked as a movie theater projection slash manager for almost 20 years. The theater I was working at was a small two-screen indie theater that would sometimes have guest screenings with post-film Q&A's. Previous screenings feature the likes of Bruce Campbell, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and John Cameron Mitchell. Wow, solid mix of folks there.

Not bad. We landed on a week's screening of Crispin, lover's film what is it where he would have a post film lecture for every screening am i the did you guys see this when he was touring it around i did not yeah i specifically didn't see it because you went and i stayed at the iFC bar and got wasted and i was like you tell me what it's like man you do it good buddy and that was the one that i went to uh went with you eric that was that's the only one of these movies i've seen that was uh quite a film not necessarily recommend but he was it was great meeting him actually.

He was the softest hands I've ever touched. Oh. The hardest hands I ever touched. Ooh. Ooh. That's a. No. No.

I think Jay Leno. Oh, Jay Leno. Jay Leno. That makes sense. Socket wrenching and what have you. Sure. He's doing that.

Exactly. A lot of this. What are that? What with the socket rent? Not on a car or anything. Just in the air. So now I got you now. You're going to get to.

second wrenched. He wore the same velour suit and cape to every screening. I wish I saw him with a cape. He did not have a cape when I saw. Oh, damn it. He was still definitely dressed like Crispin Glover though. Dude, don't understand that part of it. That's true. He was. He looked

outrageous and theatrical. His film would play in our main auditorium which ceded 500 people except for one evening. There was a previous engagement where another event was in that time slot that day. He would have to present

the film one day in a much smaller theater. He did not mince words, my movie doesn't play in the small theaters. Wow. Guess what? Now get me a coxcraw. Cosscraw. Mr. Glover was furious. Apparently hadn't read the fine

print, discovered the news hours before the screening. He paced the lobby, waving his gigantic arms wildly. He is a big guy. You wouldn't expect it. But he's He's like, he's a big God. You know what movie really tells you that is, and I hate to say this,

but the Charlie's Angels movie. When he's doing all the fight scenes, he's humongous. He's like towering over everybody. He's like the heavy in that, right? Yes. Yeah. He does the cool, like he doesn't talk through the whole movie. And he's in the second one too, I think.

So he's waving his gigantic arms wildly in front of the staff that we're prepared for his event. and our booking manager asked him to step outside to clarify that he wasn't tricked. Oh, wow. Do you want to step outside fucking McFly? I'll shot you know what, dude? Yeah, totally.

That'd feel good. If you call him McFly, that would really feel good. I thought I told you you're playing the smaller house tonight. He was shouting at her so loudly you can hear him as if he was still inside. You're trying to fuck me. I will not tolerate this. This is

bullshit. Oh, no. This sucks. He had escalated to stomping his feet and was red face like me in this lighting. I don't think anyone has been more comical and terrifying than a giant spiedly creature losing their shit while wearing a cape. When our booking manager pulled out a copy of the contract he had signed, he grabbed it out of our hands and tore it up looking like Daffy Duck from the duck a muck cartoon and stormed off. Oh, wow. Did his head turn into a large flower at that point? Is that why you look like the daffy duck for the duck and one cartoon? Cape season.

I see. I see. The lor suit season. Anyway, we were sure he was going to cancel, but he had cooled off by the time we needed, he was needed on stage. What is it finished? It's weak run and we vowed to never book him again. And years later, he is asked to guest again, but was politely turned down. very much WHM gang Murphy and I will say Murphy give our boy another shot I'll tell you this though I don't want to watch a new movie to be clear

but I would like you to book him again that's nice sure yeah I'll tell you this though the first mistake I'm not saying this is on the theater in any way but the first mistake is agreeing to this for a week long run this is a single night

experience possibly an encore presentation for a night to you do not agree to book a film like that for an entire week. I don't care. I have C Center only had it for a few days or one or two. A weekend. That's too much of a commitment for a movie like that. No, just one weekend. Big folly

right there. Make sure the people who want to see it can see it's put on a Saturday and a Sunday. But that's all. I don't see how you fast three days don't give that thing that's higher. It's a rough watch. It is I, you know what? I have not seen any of his

movies. I've actually read more about his movies than I've actually seen any of them. Why don't you watch a fucking movie? I'm not going to do that. I don't do that. Just guys, they're not good. I'm sorry, they're not. But here's the Christmas Glover dipped the toe into, again, what we do when we go touring,

everything is up in the year. You show up and it's like, oh, we said this, no, it's scary. And like, that's the thing is you just, if you're, especially if you're doing some kind of a tour where it's like, this is the one thing you're doing that you're focused on 100% of you're doing multiple dates. It's just like, all right, we're going to do the Atlanta one.

And it's like, oh, wait, what's this? It's at a diner. Okay, cool. You know what I mean? Information changes. You have no control over it. The move is always to be the nice guy and be like, oh, that's great. Because also none of these people can help you.

It is the thing. It's like, whoever could, oh, the manager's gone. He died four days ago, man. We can't. That's it. So we can't record your show, dude. Sorry. Dude, all of that is bailed true references. to that Atlanta show. I'll tell you this.

Just in from the chat here, I want to toss him up here because he generously gave a tip for a question here. The fasting nomad chimes in saying they keep forgetting to send in the story about the time they went to our New York City Blade Trinity show back at the Bell House in 2017.

Apparently this person blacked out at a bar and woke up in a strange house. You bet your ass you have to write that story in Fasten Nomad. Awesome. think you need to relive that experience on December 7th, Jersey City, New Jersey. You know what? Drink

responsibly next week, folks. I don't anyone black it out. Because that's when you get somebody yelling, steak. Do a steak one. Oh, my God. Steve is putting out all the dirty laundry tonight.

Well, there was that one fella in Toronto that I think got arrested. Yeah. Yeah. He was trying to kill us. Eric is very certain of this. I was trying to go. outside to de-escalate the situation I'm sure that's

exactly what it went down all right Chris Kevin who's the next time you know what I'll take this one this is the longer one the Ballad of Hunger Games welcome H-U-N-G-A yes this is important actually thank you because that is important

hello to the W-HM gang and the listeners at home longtime listener and previous mailbag writer Nolan from Indiana writing in again. Wow, look at this. After the Hunger Games episode went live, a few of us Mulduners were chatting about

our Hunger Games experiences. They were none too pleased, if I remember. Oh, I mean, I've heard nothing but good things about that episode. And I love that episode. But... Wait, is that in the letter or is that you, Chris? No, that's just me. That's just me. It took me an hour to write mine out and post it, and I quickly got a few direct messages

telling me to send this story. into the mailbag. Oh, nice. So this is already embedded. This has been better at the mess in the business. Man source. Yep, got it. This is the tale of a man we called Hunger Game, with an A.

I worked at a movie theater when Hunger Games came out. We knew it was going to be a big deal by the amount of pre-tickets sold and the amount of people asking about showings. But months in advance of it coming out, we started getting consistent calls from a guy, who had one simple question. When that hunger game coming out. That's exactly what he said

and he said it every single day for months. It became a game to try to be the guy who answered his call and sadly I didn't have the high score but I did answer the call a couple of times every single day when that hunger game coming out.

Wait, wait, wait. Were you not telling him? I think that he would receive the information. Yes. And then his crazy brain wouldn't metabolize. Or he's, listen, he's such a fan. He just wants to make sure he's checking in. Make sure that date didn't go changing.

Yeah. That's a good point, yeah. Okay, you got, you never know. All of a sudden, it's moved up a day. You got to take off a different day of work. Happens every week. Happens every week with these movies. Anyways, the day finally arrives.

I don't open, but I do come in around noon for a double shift. My boss Dan runs up to me laughing as soon as I walk through the door. Don't look now, but he's here. Who? Dan almost yells, Hunga game. Standing in

line for the 7 p.m. showing is look, I'm a fat guy myself, so I'm not throwing stones. But this guy was massive. Big basketball shorts, red T-shirt, free refill-sized popcorn and

coke and a look of pure determination on his face. Basketball shorts at the movies, man. You have to be comfortable. I'm picturing like Russell Crow and unhinged. Oh, yes. But on his day off. And liberated from the shirt, the button up shirt he's got in that. Right, yeah.

Right. Got to be out. Popcorn and Coke and it look. According to my coworkers, he was there when they opened that morning. Jesus. What the fuck. That rules. That was awesome.

I love when someone's excited. about, excited about a movie. We should celebrate a yeah. That's fair. You're right. I'd get back and I would have hung a game on the back. For the record, the guy didn't seem like he had mental issues or a disability or anything. Apparently he was just a giant fan and he was here to prove his worth.

Did he think like J. Law was going to come to the theater like open a night? Maybe. We should have dressed up like Cesar Flickerman. Well, yeah. If J. Law is showing up, then he does have to dress up. he can't be doing this basketball shorts. I like your basketball shorts. Hi.

Those are excellent basketball shorts. Wow, get a look at these basketball shorts. Do you want to get married? This guy's a huge fan. Now you'll be in the sequel with me, basketball shorts. I love the color red. He spent 12 hours pounding popcorn and coax until opening. Finally, the time for the show rolls around.

And he's first through the doors. Of course, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. He's 12 hours pounding popcorn and cokes. So like what, what time was he there? He got there at 7 a.m. And the show ring is at 7 p.m. Oh, it's at 7.

Okay, got it. Oh, there we go. Sorry. So my staff gets us through. It's a sellout. My staff gets us through. And I begin running theater checks and preparing for a relatively easy night. The first complaint comes before the trailers end.

there's a smell. I check the theater and low and behold, there is a smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone is. It probably is. Someone is farting and not and not the entirely dry kind. Oh, come on.

Really? But hey, but hey. Pardon me, sir. Hi, sorry. Someone's farting in the theater. What am I? I don't know. It's not a problem. I don't know. No, no, no, no. You don't understand. It's not the dry kind. you're going to have to put some garbage bags on those seats

I'm feeling a mist on my face but hey what can I do go around and tell everyone to please refrain from farting no exactly it's farting that's the magic of farting it's it's not something that anyone could stop you know what I mean you can say oh stop it you got to ask it's unstoppable it is versus like you can go into an on a

be like, excuse me, we've got complaints of talking. We got to knock off the talking. You cannot go into the theater. Excuse me. You got to knock off the farting. Whoever it is, by the way, you got to knock off the fart. He can't move. He can't move his seat. You got to sit next to this wet fart.

All night long. But hey, yeah, okay. That being said, it's clear who the culprit is here. Sure. Hunger game is sweating bullets. No. He's no longer.

alive, I think is what we're saying. His shirt is dark red. His basketball shorts are shiny with butter and sweat. 12 hours of oiled popcorn is running through his system, but he will be goddamned if he misses a second of this fucking movie.

This is outrageous. This is, yeah. I do what I can do and turn the air conditioning on high. Shoot those farts at the vents. Check the theater again. Notice a marginal improvement in the stench. leave to check the other theaters my god i think the safty brother should adapt this into a film

please get get on them uh the curse is going to wrap up soon come on uh a few more complaints this is how you win keep farting you'll win my hand in marriage get adam sandler you got to get adam sandler in a fat suit to play hunger game i think and jlaw as herself yes of course oh obviously yeah that uncharted basketball shorts is the title A few more complaints came in, but I didn't handle them. I was in the other theaters. And after about half an hour passes, I get a call on the walkie. Nolan, you got to get upstairs now.

Uh-oh. What could be happening? It's my boss, Big Mike. Oh, Big Mike. Oh, well, that Big Mike's what's happening. Don't fuck with Big Mike. The last, you know, if it's Ted, if it's Allen, if it's Craig on the on the horn you know you get it's big mic you drop what you fucking doing and if it's

little mike you can also be like whatever but big mic big mike and medium bill those are just you got to watch out for they're they're pretty tough if you find yourself ignoring big Mike by the way you better be dead oh yes you better prepare at least uh so my boss big mic and it sounds uh it sounds about as urgent as anything he's ever said on the walkie oh i sprint to the stairs run to the office look around no big big Mike or even our general manager. I check the projection booth in the inventory room, no one. Then I hear it.

It sounds like crying and it's coming from the count room. The count room is where the money is clearly accounted, but it's also where the camera system is. I walk into pandemonium. Yep. Here we go. Big Mike is on the ground. Josh has slumped over his chair and both cannot breathe from laughter.

I get pumped. What's going on here? Big Mike wheezes Rewind the tape I bet you big Mike did a lot of wheezing by the way Oh man Look at this

This fart is back into the left Back into the left Blum all back About 30 minutes into the movie Hunger Games Does a full on dump walk Right out of the theater This poor bastard

I laugh It's funny But I don't get the laugh right happening They tell me to keep watching A few minutes later, you see Hunger Games head poke out of the bathroom. He looks around and sees this state of affairs. The lobby is empty, except for the concession workers cleaning and the ticket seller counting themselves down. At this point, the man steps out of the bathroom wearing the red shirt and nothing else.

No shorts, no shoes, nothing in his hands. He full-blown Donald Ducks It out of the bathroom In a majestic stride And right out the front door into the night His pee-p-floppy cock is out His shit ass His dump truck shit ass

His very damp ass is out in the wind Here's my question There's a lot of questions I guess I'll start All at once Do we think This guy was wearing underwear and basketball shorts?

Free ball. I don't think so. I think it's free ball. Yeah, I think it's free ball. Oftentimes with basketball shorts, dude, if you have a reliable waistband and a good tie-off system, you can come in a basketball short. Let this be a cautionary tale all the same. When you can, make sure there is another level of protection down there. Yes. Yes. I'll come back to basketball shorts at the home. Sure. It's now a trend. I mean, to go outside in sweatpants, go to the mall, and, go to the mall, and, you know, in sweat, whatever. People are living in sweatpants. It's fine or whatever. But whenever I see that, I'm just imagining it's a sharding

shit-ass situation. No underwear. Well, you're going to, and after this, you're going to think of it all the more so. You're just going to be thinking about dumps all the time. Whenever I see someone in, yeah, I those, oh, that can't, the thing is that can't contain a shit ass, you know? And you know what? No, yeah. Denim, you could do, you could contain

that ass. Maybe, yeah, but still, it's, it's a disaster either way. I'm guaranteeing you, Mr. gentlemen here, Mr. Hungry Game, you know, we're talking all about the popcorn of the soda that he was drinking and eating. He had a couple hot dogs. I guarantee you, there was just, there's some real protein going on

because this does not like sound like a hard dog or a popcorn sharding situation. There had to have been nachos involved. You were still, you were still in malls around this time. There was probably a trip downstairs to your local sparrows. Oh, no.

you know maybe a McDonald's situation who knows I bet you though there's definitely a lot of butter on that popcorn and that stuff you are just greasing the system dude you saw the pants that stuff came in my God

I'm on the floor Hey where are you going you're missing the oh no never mind no longer future husband buy a girl a drink first could I be Mrs. Hunger Games? I'm on the floor.

He walked right out, cheeks and all, right out the door. A grim question dawns on us. Where are those shorts? Yep, here we go. We run downstairs, head to the bathroom, and the smell hits us before we enter. A massacre has happened. it's everywhere the walls the floor everywhere and everything poop and at the center

the man's basketball shorts and shoes oh now who's laughing this is like you didn't have the tape you'd think he got raptured or something it's like the black box no you think he exploded a huge burst of shit apparently yeah it was all it all came out i mean either way it all it all came out. Wow, it turns out that Hunger Games fan was just a huge human-sized poop balloon. And he popped in the bathroom. Who could have known? They come in all kinds of sizes. Oh, well, let me explain it. Did you ever see dogma? Oh, no, you didn't. Okay. Um, uh, that's really it. If you haven't seen it, you should go see it, because it's the only way

I can relate the story to you. Didn't see dogma. It's, it's weirdly hard to get on DVD. Okay. We know shit called industrial, industrial cleaners in. Wow. We also had to give a fair amount of refunds because the man shit in his chair and left the snail trail through this theater out into the lobby and into the bathroom. I'm so, hold on.

A snail trail, ladies and gentlemen. I suppose. Like a slug. Like that slug. Yeah. Just, so it's just like this. A little slime. the lawn and left

a little snail trail. A trail of like little slime water I guess. Yeah shit slime really um good god and into the bathroom. It was it was an all night problem. Hazmat suits were used oh my god. That's incredible.

Where did he go? He walked out into the city with no shoes, no pants or underwear and nothing in his hands. No wallet no keys, nothing. King shit right here. Yeah, I was kind of hoping this was kind of a suburban scenario where there's a park, you know, a large, a garage, a cricket chirpy parking lot that he was able to sneak out into. But it sounds

like he was in the middle of the city center, which is bad. The one metropolis in Indiana. The, I like to imagine he just walked into the night and became a constellation. Hunger game costs Arthur, there thousands of dollars. But in his wake, he left behind a legend. Thanks for reading. Nolan from Indiana. Thank you Nolan. Oh, incredible. I really, I cannot

stress this enough. If it has to do with a shitting in a bathroom to the point where like it's no longer usable, I'm a fan of the story. Yep. You just throw as many of those into the mailbag as you want. I can't get enough of it.

I'll say this at a former place of employment, they had a guy that the theater staff nicknamed they nicknamed his old time or poop ghost. Woo! Nice. Because this guy, he would like go into the bathroom

like immediately at the end of a movie and like be in that bathroom shitting for so long. Like he'd be at like the final show of the night and he'd be shitting and they'd be trying to like close the building. And then like if he didn't come at the last show and like you were getting in there afterwards or whatever

the dude left like the stench of stenches like the Seinfeld smelly car thing like you couldn't spray it away it just was this poop smell ghost of an entity that just left behind if this guy was at the theater

it was fucking horrible tomato sauce I've worked at a gym and a health club but in both instances and this just happens and I don't know why it happens you will get someone

that shits outside the toilet I don't understand why it happens a full on log a power move I think it's power move I think I've worked

in kind of service where I would and I sure did have to clean it a single turn you know what I mean they're like doing maybe leg day

while they shit like going up and down you know they might miss I think it's I think Terry Chris's point it's a power

it's like you're dissatisfied with something that happened service wise and you know what now someone who is me

that had no power whatsoever has to clean your shit I'm not entirely convinced that our friend Hunga game here is not some kind of, you know, Fight Club-esque project chaos, you know, bring down the theater by throwing its bathroom and having to make it pay thousands of dollars. If this is your first night at shit club, you have to shit. I want you to shit as hard as you can. You met me in a very shitty time in my life.

Please let us shit in your basement, Tony. Please let a shit in your face. Where is my turn? A new homework assignment for everybody. I want everyone to go to a movie theater and shit. But this time, you're going to lose. Exactly. This movie Hunger Games in 2012 was released in late March.

So this person here, Nolan says they are from Indiana. This dude, Hunger Game, walked out of the bath. room just Donald ducking into the night. How cold is it in Indiana? Pretty cold. In late March. At that point that is so low on your radar of things you're worried about though.

If you have, if you're not able, if you're no longer able to wear pants, and you have to just deal with that reality. Is he technically nude if his penis goes inside of his body because it's cold that he's so overweight? I mean, the move would be. The court would decide

that, Eric, I think. You definitely getting arrested, though. Yes. Really? I mean, yes. I guess the pants have to be so shitted out that you can't even, because I mean, to me it would be like, I would wear them up to the point where I got my car and then I chucked them or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, that's, yes, thank you. That's the other sort of wonder here is

they must have been in such bad. They must have been such bad shape. But what does that mean, though? They disintegrated? How bad could they have been? But what is he going to do? I can, if this is a situation where somehow like he shot on the front of his shorts. It sounds like this is just a disaster. What is he going to do? Pick him up and try to wash him in the thing? No, he's just going to... I mean,

the first thing that's got to be on his mind now is shelter. He's got to find somewhere to stay for a while. I would have stayed in that well, no, you have cell phones at the time. You should have called somebody and have... Called a buddy, a friend. Somebody's your mother if you have to.

You think he's got a friend. That's one. I just need one. That's all I got to need. You use that big red shirt, you turn it into a diaper and then you leave. Then, I mean, like, you have no... That's at least something. You have no tinkety anymore anyways. You might as be wearing a red shirt diaper. Like, it just, I'm fascinated by

what had to have happened that the preferable way to exit was completely nude from the waist down. That's why I don't... The shoes, my God, the shoes. That's why I have to believe it is a fight club-esque situation. Or just a performance art of a scale i have not completely conceived oh it was like maybe he was like an apostle or like an acolyte

of uh extreme elvis yeah that would be great i mean i just because i don't otherwise i don't understand especially considering he called them every day yeah yeah yeah this sounds like a process for this man and he did his process at the end too it's that's all brilliant we had a dude um he took his shit in the theater seats during a screening of the film C Biscuit and it was like right in the front row and we just garbage bagged that shit and called it a day left his own

left his own biscuit All right Chris Kevin So the next one I guess that will have that's Steve Okay that's me Oh let me just say here real quick Steve We had another sponsored question here I'll throw it up from Tristan

Would you guys make Patreon surveys to pick a future movie or short series to replace current series on feed temporarily probably not. We've done similar things with the Nexus. It's not a whole way. Yeah, that's what listener request month is for.

That's why the Patreon participates in that. And it's coming back in January, folks. Those lines will be open early January. Look out for that. So you'll be able to affect change on this show. Yes. that's very sure. Look at this. One man can make a difference. Exactly.

You're getting right for 2024, huh? Okay, so now, God damn, I hate our fans. The other toilet no, this is great. We love our fans. More toilet stuff. Hello, this is like a good old fashion mailbag. I'm sorry, this feels great. More piss, shit, and vomit.

I'm very nervous about this one. I know. I've not read ahead, but I will, you'll see why I get nervous. Hello, WHM gang. First of all, let me preface this by saying, I am not a creep or a pervert. Now I'm nervous. Now I'm nervous. I don't know, man.

The first incident, the following incident was an honest mistake. That doesn't make it any less idiotic. And I take full ownership of this idiocy. Did the court make you write this? I do want to make a point here. What he is getting all, you know, spoiled up about and stirred up about. Yeah. It's not this.

This is, he's overreact. many years ago I enlisted in the United States Navy after graduating from high school it was basically one of the only options for someone like me, mediocre grades and no money as you might expect that led me to to enduring a few months of basic training

the first night was very scary and chaotic with a lot of screaming but I made it and I was officially a seaman recruit cue Eric joke Eric joke a question over here what was the screaming I mean I assume like hazing stuff. Well, yes, the hazy where they recruit

the semen out of you. Yes, okay. Or like, you know, you're getting the private pile, like the bars of soaps and the sock, maybe. I don't know. You shall have semen in your balls, private pile. It'd be funny if that's what they were doing at all the malls. The two like

officers are just there. Excuse me, young man. Have you thought about giving your semen to us? Yeah. Oh, at the recruitment center? I never understand hazing. I've never had, I mean, I've never been in a fraternity or like bullying it's the same right it's the same thing but that's like wouldn't you know

if I feel like I would join the fraternity I'd be like hey let's just not do that you know what I mean look let's just stop you avoid the sanctioned bullying that's what it happened to me and I don't feel like doing that to anybody else could we just like cool it with that and just be like relaxed wait how are you supposed to

fucking trust somebody if you haven't watched them pick a pickle up with their ass I have I mean what are we what this is society going to come to if we don't trust that kind of shit. Okay, so wait, sorry, speaking of private pile, this is a good place to put this. It makes me think of DeNafrio, which makes me think of someone asked

about my subtitle Her Daredevil Season 3 thumbs up and said, did I just watch it? Yes, I just finished it. It's the best season of television Marvel's ever made. Anyway, sorry. It's the best. It's absolutely the best. It's fucking amazing. That came out, what, like seven years ago now?

Four or five, I think. In 2018, I think. Yeah. basic was divided to three types of training physical practical field training and classroom training also if you're a male recruit you had little to know privacy especially in the restrooms you're not selling me on the military here pal

yeah that does sound good this is the thing and I mean this is something that everybody loves to do agro dudes none of the stalls had doors if you had to take a shit you had to sit across with the other crew taking you should figure it out that's going to be a no from me right here that was my

high school dude dudes love doors no dudes love to kick the door down man it's so fucking cool and then it's like oh awesome now no one can take a shit in piece of private i couldn't leave i mean the high school was like 40 minutes from my house i mean i should tell you we are always just like right on the precipice of falling into a hose saromago's blindness any minute now fucking knocking down the bathroom doors what the fuck is wrong with you now wait a second eric with your school's bathroom though like so when you're sitting on the throne there, you know, and the no door situation, you're looking out

through the stall. Is there another stall directly across from you? Like, was there doing shit in? The, what I'm really there was one where like the stalls were like cinder blocks, not like, so it was Florida ceiling, which was nice. But if anyone came in, they'd have to walk past you shitting openly

to get to the urinal. That's bad, but it's not as bad as this where you, like, you could have one of these older pieces of shit, literally just hanging out in the stall, across from me watching you shit like rolling a fucking like a cigarette or something

just fucking bully like staring you down and bullying you like yeah no thanks all the time no thank you just slowly licking that cigarette oh yeah yeah like I am appreciative of the people that choose to do that with their lives the military well done I would not survive night one I fucking guarantee I'm gone no no absolutely

my recruit division had classes a couple times a week in the same classroom in the days leading up I thought I had a pretty good handle on how everything was oriented. Then one day I went to a different classroom and that's where the trouble starts. I'm in class and I need to use the restroom. So I asked to be excused. I walk in and immediately notice that these stalls all had doors. Now I consider myself a person of reasonable intelligence.

But for some reason, I don't question why or I don't question why or give us an ounce of critical thought. I just thought that I stuck restroom goal. I go in a stall, lock the door and do my business. it wasn't until I heard the first oh here we go I heard the first voice until I realized the enormity of my blunder one female shipmate followed by another and then two and then so on yeah that'll do it top on an ass clench I cover my ears not to invade the privacy any more than I already have I tightened up so I can't be visible to the door crack and I try to figure out what the fuck to do next I have two options one walk out then and there explain my mistake and hope my punishment is mild. Then there's what I did. I wait. This is what I would have done as well. I waited out for however long it takes for the rest

you to clear out. Yeah. Call ass out of there and pray to God, no one sees me walk out. Thankfully, no one does. This guy's got to be very thankful. He's clearly like a beanstalk because if you're a guy of my size, you can't shrink. The door cracks

are your enemy and it's already over. Like you are, there's no shortening or squeezing this in. you're probably more likely to leave behind like a shit ghost that Andrew was speaking to. A phantom, Eric. I would leave back a shit phantom.

One that would haunt the place. Have any of you ever fell victim to moments of astounding, inexplicable stupidity? Thank you for many years of solid entertainment. And hope you don't judge me too much. Take it easy. Anonymous. Not even a fake name, huh? Or first name? Yeah, this isn't so bad. No, it's fine.

I do. I mean, I feel. you because I always absolutely hate that it bars across this great country that door is kicked in and I'm like well what the fuck are we doing here because you explain it to women and women are like why does that happen and the answer is I have no idea

men are assholes and need to kick in the door to the very thing that shields them from being seen take the shit because they saw like Charles Bronson kick a door in when he's playing a detective in some movie and this is their

like baby bitch ass way to like be a cool kind of guy kicking a door in a fucking defenseless thin weak hinged fucking stall door that's awful we all shit in the open here Pelly

you know what was that death one of the death wishes he knocks down the stall doors yes he does and there's also this world in which well men only need to use urinals well not really

no no we all got two holes of a friend more than that Steve. It's true. It's very true. You got like, look at these guys. Oh, what's over here? I think your eyes are kind of holes. Kind of holes, yeah. I mean, there's like plenty. You could really get

into it. You can also puke. And I think that's, I guess you could puke in a urinal pretty easily, but I would prefer in the toilet. And again, I would like to close that door and start yakking it up. Sure. Yeah. So you got your great

urinal puking story. Please. Oh, no. I I just, I puked in the urinal one night at the Patriot. That's all. There's no story there. I will, I do have a very stupid story that I'll tell. I don't know if I've ever told this on the air. There was a night, many years

ago, I went to a concert in Midtown and like I hadn't had anything to eat all day and I was just drinking beer. And then my buddy was like, oh, hey, after the concert, I'm meeting some work friends at this Russian vodka bar up the street. Do you want to go? They're buying.

And I was like, absolutely. Let's do that. And what it is, is, I don't know if you guys have ever been there. I think it's on like 52nd Street or something like that, or maybe like 58th Street. It is like quarter caraffs of

flavored vodka that are like so well-flavored. It's like you're drinking whatever it's supposed to be and you can't taste the booze. Danger Town, USA. Or U.S.S.R is the case. And so basically, I have memories of drinking at that bar and asking the bartender for water in Russian.

And then the next memory I have is walking down a sidewalk somewhere in Midtown. That's the end of that one. The next memory I have after that is going over the Queensboro Bridge in the back of a car and my button down, shirt was open because I remember the sensation of the wind in my chest hair. So we got that. And then I remember throwing a wad of cash at a cab driver while yelling. And I don't know what I said. And then I remember waking up the next morning. And here's the kicker of it all. I

never found that shirt I was wearing. So somewhere along the way from getting dropped off at the 7-Eleven to the like four blocks to my old apartment in Astoria, I took my shirt off in the street and wandered home, you know what? Totally topless. This might be how Hunger Game experienced thing. That he just like blacked out

was covered in shit. My pants are gone. He just comes home. He just wakes up at home. He's watching CSI for some reason. Oh shit. I'm a doctor. I'm on call today. Oh, no. Michael Mancini. Oh, no. I know.

I had a huge bruising and scrapes on my right arm. and like my right knee. So I also fell at some point. Excellent. Incredible stupidity. It's the worst. I think I'm not sure if I've told this story before.

I was a drunk when I, it's also, of course, it's funny how it goes with the drinking like that. But I had gotten, I had not thought enough about, because I was drunk, I had not thought about like spacing out

when you have to take your piss before you get home if you're in New York City and you're using the subway. Yeah. like need to know where your spots are all these things i just didn't think it through one night and so i have to emergency get off like a stop before my house and i am just like i have i don't care where it is i have to piss somewhere someone is taking my piss right now i don't care who it is

i don't care what it is someone is taking it something is going to take my piss i just start running up this street and i'm like i'm seeing these like little doors. I'm like, could I just like go into like someone's doorway and I'm not, but I'm not thinking enough because I'm drunk. So I'm not even doing that. So what I do is I go into it's a first story. There's a big window and I start pissing on the window. Oh, no, dude. Very, loudly and like I do the most like the big. I do the whole thing. And I'm like, Like, oh, this is great. I'm never, I'm, I'm never going to answer for this ever.

Uh, and then the lights go on. Oh, I love this. And I hear a very sharp, hey. And I piss streaming all over my pants and all over myself start booking it up the street. Oh, you must have felt like Liam Mason. A little bit, little bit. Do you in your later days, do you know what window that was it a residential window? It was a residential window?

It was a residential window for sure. Oh, wow. Okay. So of like a basement unit, like a cellar apartment? Right on the floor. Was this sunset park, Brooklyn? Yeah, it was indeed. I think I remember this story. This is a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the problem, dude. You lived at you lived at the ass end of Sunset Park. Yeah. And to get from A to B, you were in a bathroom oasis. Usually. Or a desert, I should say. Right.

Yeah. My stops usually. But occasionally you just have these times where you don't think it through. totally and you find yourself in this situation where you do you you piss on someone's house and you piss all over yourself. These things happen. Oh, by the way, shout out to

our bud, Justine Prudhomme my letter, I'm Navy toilet debacle. Thank you for your service. Thank you for, and of course you have to wait. There's no universe in which you like come out and be like, ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. you know what you just waited out

I mean literally until I would you know I'd get kicked out of the military because I'd be waiting in that bathroom for so long just come on say that you're not going to cough up a story of stupidity you got fucking 10,000 of them I know I'm trying to think of one that's not too disgusting

well I already suck the piss story so you can't tell that one no I mean yeah yeah it's fine I'm gonna pass here We're running out of time. We got one more letter anyway, too. Yeah, one more letter and one more chance to remind you all next Thursday, December 7th, Jersey City, New Jersey. Live episode on the Santa Claus, the Tim Allen led drama.

Yeah, hard-hitting family family comedy. Body horror motion picture. So come on out. It will be a festive night of also disgusting shit, we'll say. yes a lot of shit boys but you can get them ticks over at wjimp podcast dot com pop-up windows

are going to bring you right to those tickets they're going fast you know dwindling number we want to see you there bring your friends New York metro area it's going to be an excellent way to kick this year right in the ass and kick off the holiday season

so all right here we go Jake Lloyd Innocent is what this says A few years back I was married to a man I was married to an actor in Los Angeles

not anyone you probably would have heard of but he had guessed it on the closer the OC and a few other shows Oh that's not that's bad Yeah that's bad right I mentioned this to say that when he was taking acting classes it was with the same coach

that had mentored Jake Lloyd My ex was in the class a year or two later but he related a story that the acting coach shared that I'm sure he's still mad about to this very day. For context, I have also met his acting coach a couple of times.

He had a few clients that actually made it big enough and mostly he was pretty good at what he did. I was told that when Jake was going in for his audition for episode one, they of course practiced very hard for it and got his lines, movement, and execution down to where it was apparently very impressive. enough to get the part out of 3,000 kids who auditioned.

The problem came after being cast when during filming, instead of utilizing the more natural and polished version that he and the acting coach had worked on, George Lucas kept giving I there.

George Lucas kept giving different directions and wanting different things from him. Oh, weird. Apparently, at some points even directly acting out the scene how he wanted it to fall.

George, like, so then you go over there and you say, did you fall from heaven, baby? Yeah, exactly. Wait, Natalie, come over here. I want to show Jake what I want him to do here. I'm going to get on my knees. Hi, I'm Jake. I'm a little kid. Hi. Here, let me

get on my knees here. Oh, oh, those they're hurting right there. Okay. Here's what you're going to want to do, little child. humba daga gawanga wato this is not shocking at all I mean this you know famously George is not the greatest with actors

there was a great clip going around I think it was on Twitter or X or whatever it's called these days where Harrison Ford was like oh yeah we were filming the first Star Wars and I'm in the Millennium Foggin Cockpit and I asked George

how do you fly? And then he does this great thing Harrison Ford goes like how do you fly it? And nothing is yeah, yeah. So, you just do it. I don't know.

He just like, he had to just improvise how to do what it's just hilarious that George was so deer in headlights over that. Right. All right, let's see. And since George is not an actor himself and had nobody at that point to tell him no, all his direction

made the acting much more flat and less fluid than it was supposed to be. Of course, after all this, Jake was blamed for the acting style when overall there was little he could do about it. To put such hatred onto a nine-year-old, enough to make him bullied and quit acting when

he had prepared for the role, is ridiculous to say the least. So yeah, that acting coach is livid about how Jake was treated, and I can't say I blame him. I agree. I agree. I do agree 100% this guy is right. But it

would be amazing if like you just met a guy and he's just like they railroaded that Jake Lloyd yeah and they put him through the screws oh you know it's a weird hobby horse to have I think yeah well I think Clint Eastwood should do a movie about how Jake Lloyd was railroaded by this yes oh man yes yeah final movie that's perfect I think we we got over this in our uh a Phantom Menace Redux episode but like yeah to blame a little kid for the phantom menace is insane when the big man is standing right over there. I mean, we

certainly did it. It's not like we didn't do it, but like, yeah, it's ridiculous. The same thing with Jar Jar Jar. Like, it's ridiculous. Those aren't the problems are manifest. They're everywhere. It's many, many of them. Right. Yeah. Thank you for all the years

of amazingness. Thank you for all the amazingness you've doled out over the years. You rock Amanda. Well, thank you Amanda, and thank you to all of our letter writers. Yes, thank you so much. Again, I want to underline, more shit. More shit. More shit.

Yes. More fluids in general. Goopier the better. That's exactly. Put that on the fucking letterhead. Goopier the better. Loads of goop. I promise, no one will be shitting on stage next Thursday

when we are at Whiting the wall. What if you're we brought someone up on stage to shit. Wow. All sales are final. I feel like that's. You know, like it's like a rock club, a music venue, do some GGLL and type of work here. Finally, we get to

do our tribute to Dusan Machiav. Shit in and eat our shit. There's a reason why Extreme Elvis is dead. All right. Let that stuff die with him. For people who don't know, extreme Elvis was a sort of it was an act that he was like an Elvis impersonator but he had a he was a fat guy and he had a micro penis and he would take his micro penis out and then he'd

start pissing on the crowd of whoever was close to you know that's a way to it's like uh like come on my children let me bathe you or something like that the way to reclaim the micro penis oh you're laughing at me now I'm peeing on you with it there you go it was crazy to see no one it was coming, but then that piss hit the crowd. I'm going to Steve, no, he's a civil rights leader. He's really helping these micro penis people. All right, listen, we're going to wrap it up,

folks. But once again, we just want to push them ticks. We cannot wait for next week. It's going to be an awesome ass show in Jersey City, New Jersey, which is right here in New York City pretty much, just across the river. Same shit. Same fucking way to get there. No one checks your papers

when you come in. It's all five. Bitter. Yeah, Dine up a pair and bitter. Give me your goddamn papers. This is jazy now, motherfucker. Give me your goddamn paper. And Hinder Games was none other than Chris Christie. Oh my God. That makes sense.

Yes. All right, but that is going to do it, folks. We hope we see you next week in Jersey City. That show is going to be a lot of fun. Also, for you patrons, tomorrow, lethal weapon. We love movies dropping exclusively for you. all. And I'll say it another total banger ass

episode. So you want to go into the weekend, listen to that convo. It was a good time. Thanks for tuning in to tonight's mailbag. Until next time, I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Seda. Eric Sisko. Chris Cabin. Have a good night, y'all. Bye-bye. You know,

I'm going to be. Thank you.