We Hate Movies - S15 Ep767: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (W❤️M)

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

“Granny shagger!” - Steve, on Aragorn and Arwen’s vast age gap On this week’s We ❤️ Movies, we’re chatting about the absolutely magnificent conclusion to the journey, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King! First of all, yes, we are discussing the four-hour and twenty-three-minute extended edition! How magnificent is John Noble’s demise in this movie? Of all the stuff they could’ve cut from the theatrical, why on Earth did they ditch Sarumon’s big fall? How horny is Eowyn for Aragorn? Was there a funnier way to include Sean Bean in that one scene? And should The Hobbit trilogy be re-evaluated? (Andrew thinks so!) PLUS: Samwise is framed for leaving nothing but Krackel in the Halloween variety pack!  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King stars Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Orlando Bloom, Billy Boyd, Bernard Hill, Dominic Monaghan, Viggo Mortensen, John Noble, Miranda Otto, John Rhys-Davies, Andy Serkis, Liv Tyler, Karl Urban, Hugo Weaving, David Wenham, and Ian McKellen as Gandalf; directed by Peter Jackson. Our show this weekend in Portland is sold out, but tickets are still available for our show this Friday in Seattle! We're stoked to hit the PNW after so many years away, so let's get ready to party! Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs! Including new Bus Movie, Night Vision & Too Old For This Shit designs!   Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program at a whopping four hours in 23 minutes. We're talking the Lord of the Rings, the Return of the King. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek, Return of the King. Eric Siska, Return of the King. Cabin the Harry. And we love movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Love Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. We are knee-deep in our We Love Movies month here on the main feed. And as such, we're talking about the extended edition of Peter Jackson's L-O-T-Rs,

the Return of the King from 2003. Hell yeah. Hell fucking yeah. That's your big boy. I want to explain my little thing in the beginning because my wife was doing this to me, which is the Academy Awards Lady Voice, which is Peter Jackson, Return of the King. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

Oh, sure. That lady, that's, every time she thinks of Return of the King, she thinks of like, the Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. I know, I forgot to say, I was going to say, Eric Siska, Return of the King, Extended. Extended. Extended. Very good. get more extended as November gets going, dude.

Right, yeah. Thanksgiving, you get, you get even more extended Christmas seasons upon you. Oh, dude, yeah, the sweatpants are out, man. I'm wearing them right now. I'm going to be looking like that pig guy by the end. The pig guy rules, by the way. Oh, you're calling him Pig Guy, the league org? Yeah, the guy.

I've been calling him the toxic avenger. Yeah, because it's like, he's big and badass, but he's also, like, disabled. Like he's like a tumor face. Yeah, but his arm isn't doing well either. Yeah, he's in a bad way. I don't know how this dude rose. to the ranks of leadership like this. It's fucking weird.

He's got, you know, Mr. Mr. Clawboys. Oh, the time of oaks. I'm about this, you know. Excuse me, it's Dr. Claw. He didn't go to fucking eight years of med school for you to say, Mr. Claw. I actually, I honestly think you should

maybe, maybe don't call him pig man. Pigs are beautiful animals. Yeah, that's true. Wonderful, beautiful creatures. Delicious. Also delicious, but like, also just nice creatures. They don't need to get messed up in this. Was this everybody's first go around

with the extent that it was mine? Oh, no. Second or third for me. Oh, wow. I've only seen this movie like three times, I think. Ditto, yeah. Yeah, so it was just theatrical and now the extended. Theatrical, whatever TNT was playing for a while.

And it was always the theatrical. That's the extended, by the way. Yes, and exactly extended, but now it has fucking collade commercials or whatever. Right, yeah. Color guard. Yes. I mean, my wife, Sophia, this is like her favorite movie. She loves these movies.

these are like so I end up watching this one is her favorite of the trilogy she I mean I think she just bundles them as these three movies are my favorite as one should yeah oh I thought there was another thing no no no so like I've seen it a good amount when I go back to these now I like exclusively watch the extended cuts I've got the 4k set I fucking did you know this you're gonna think I'm crazy as shit I have the Hobbit set and I got to tell you I went back to those movies really those are good movies really those are good movies I I know I only watched the first one I think I turned it all

I was soured on it because of the high frame rate shit when they rolled out the first movie and it like sort of soiled me on like I watched the second one on like a bad fucking torrent like I didn't give a shit and this was like there was a sale on the 4k set and I was like yeah what the heck and I went through them like the third one's

the weakest but dude we are straight up fucking killing a ton of people like it's way more violent than this trilogy is you got a lot of gore going on you got more legal loss action which is fucking sweet too. I mean, it's Peter Jackson directing it. So therefore it is going to be a little better than most

of this stuff because he knows what he's doing. I remember liking the first two fine. And the third one, though I think it is dramatically the weakest. It is the one where the frame rate stuff looked the best. Oh, is that right? That was the one where I was like, oh wait, when there was a lot of action that thing really kicks in high shirt. When I saw

that he was doing that weird frame rate thing, I was just like, fuck this. No thanks. Very rare does that work out. The one time where I will actually go to bat and say like, he actually used it and it was amazing was Angley for Gemini Man there are some portion of that movie where I was doing like this feels new that I'm right

There are some people that have seen Gemini for sure. I mean like look six, ten, twelve, nobody in this room I sure is hell hasn't. Chris Cabin only both of the Will Smith saw it. But like even with Avatar was it the second one with the higher frame rate? Yes. I feel it made

everything look like like G.I. Joes. I feel like it goes against what they're trying. I don't, I just don't think it looks good. I don't want my movies looking like video games. I want my video games looking like video games and I don't want them looking like movies and I want my movies looking like movies. And then that's the thing. These movies are gorgeous. Oh yeah. I mean, even like we can start with the beginning, which is this, uh, the little, uh, opening. Smigel begins. Smigel and Deagle, private investigators. Smigel and deagle fucking and suck until the sun comes up.

You want to take a break from fishing so we can 69 on this river bank? Are they brothers or something? What lazy parents? Like, uh, smigle and what I did my reread on the Wikipedia. The Wikipedia says that they are cousins. Oh, okay. Kissing cousin. Yeah, sucking cousins. Yeah, dude. Because you don't say my love to my cousin. No. Precisely. Precious was the word for this cousin's penis.

You're stuck in the river. Let me help you, please. Oh, you let your hands out of the sand in the river. Oh, I'll help the deagle. You're such a precarious. position. You're backside like a fish. I just want your shot.

I wish it'd be fucking your ass. Your Preciish made me do it. That is the funniest thing, too, is like, Smeagle sounds like that before he turns into a monster. It is so much more disturbing to watch. It is. And, you know, even when the Andy Circus will do it, like, for funsies. Oh, does he toss that out at Q&A?

He will. It's so disturbing to watch it. Because his eyes just sort of glaze over and it just touch too. Honestly, he looks more disgusting in this human form than the Gollum form, and this is just Andy Circus. He looks like he's been, like, blowing his nose for 20 years. He's got, like, redness all over here. Yeah, that's, like, the rosy-cheeked Santa Claus kind of thing. Recognize him at first house.

I was like, who's this British piece of shit? He looks like a fucking ACDC roadie. Like, it's just this disgusting, greasy long hair, you know? Awful. So me and my cousin are out. We may or may not have been fucking. I don't know. My cousin finds this cool ring

and I'm like, yo, dude, don't Bogart that shit. This is awesome. Like, just the immediacy with which it's like, oh, I want that strangling my cousin to death. I mean, it's a really nice ring. I don't think we really are selling that. It's a very nice

ring. But like, it's pretty. Much like your Massachusetts cousin who says that you should split the ball you caught at Wrigley, you know, you know, just you got to say no. Fenway. Yeah, sorry. You got to say no. You just got to be like, look, I got this.

I got this. I'm sorry. I'm going to run away now. That's why you are the one that deserves it because you do not want to split it. Down the middle, right? Isn't that an old Bible? But that's when you got judges and everybody involved. This is just two people. Yeah. Oh, they should have got to Judge Judy or whatever the Hobbit version of Judge, well, Judge Judy.

I think Frodo's got like six inches on Judge Judy. Yeah. Judge Judy's coming back, by the way. Do you see that? What the fuck? Are you joking? No, dude, there's a new Judge Judy show. How dare she?

Yeah, it's like Judy, I don't know. Almost dead. Sit down, sir. I'm no one's precious. Sit down, sir. Sir, I'm no one's precious, okay? If you've got to be talking like that the whole time, you're going to have to take it outside. I don't know what that voice is, sir.

It's disgusting and not from my courtroom. All right, you're Sam and you're Jeff for the rest of this trial. Can I just really quick, is it a romantic thing or you cousins? I don't know, which is which. You call it each other loveies. I don't know. loveies but yeah he just murder

and it's a disturbance and that's what I love yep god damn I wish Peter Jackson would stop making Beatles fucking AI movies just make a goddamn horror movie like could you just do it

I'm tired of it I'm tired of all his fucking World War I interest like or World War II whatever that movie was as he did it's just coloring book stuff he's like making it's like oh look it's now it's black and white

but now it's in color he's like on the other end of like a Zemechus tech obsession like he's just doing it for a doctor Which is, I think, better. Those movies are certainly better than most of the Zemeckis tech movies I've had to watch. But I feel like when a director gets too tech obsessed, it just, it deludes everything. Make a narrative.

Like, care about a story, care about how cool it is to watch somebody choke someone out. Which is true. Do you really believe, I mean, like, watch the lovely bones. Yeah, I mean, that's fair. Like, I was just like, that's just bad source material. That'll happen to anybody. Sure. I mean, there was certainly an adaptation of that out there that would work.

Yeah. That just was a fucking disaster. Sure. I feel like his mind is too big for a story like that. Not to insult that story, but it's just like, this dude is really great at making, like, big expansive things. And I would like to know what a big expansive horror movie looks like. I would have loved to see him go back to his roots.

But, like, Lovely Bones, it's like he put all of that imaginary stuff into her world once she's there. And I'm just like, I don't care. I got to make this really clear. The story is stupid to begin with. But, like, this is also not doing it. doing anything for me. I never saw it. I didn't get a shit. What's it about? It's like a serial killer and there's all these

pretty bones he's got from all the kids or something? Well, not exactly. It's pervert stuff. A girl is murdered. Sorsi Ronan. In the basement? It's not, well, it might be in a basement. I better be in a basement. I don't know, Eric. I don't remember. But like, it's

she dies very early on by a killer and then she is narrating the rest of it from the afterlife. Oh, you can keep it. That's what that is. I'm a little baby angel from heaven. Totally. What is this fucking, it's a wonderful life shit. But so that, we also

see sort of as Gallum begins, comes from Smigel, you watch like, the teeth start falling out, like, what is going on here? What, I mean, like... I think the the one ring is irradiated. Got it, yes. You know, immediately your teeth and hair start falling out. I love, I didn't

notice this the last time I watched, maybe anytime... Have that dick, it gets shrivels, you think it gets like... Bigger. No, bigger. Oh, bigger? Stronger. Whatever happened to those fat guys that ran into Chernobyl with the clothes on, whatever was going on with those guys is essentially what's about to happen. But back to the dick real quick. We've been off it for a second and a half.

The hobbits, like, is he a hobbit, right? Because he's the same height and everything? No, they are specifically hobbits. So, Schmeigel and Deagle were hobbits. Robert Smigel and Deagle, all hobbits. Yeah, so the funny people. I guarantee you Robert Smigel's got hairy feet. And a huge cock.

I mean, getting Smeagle in the between the temple's role would have been interesting. I don't know how that would have gone. I'm just, no, I'm just saying like, okay. You're Jewish, presses. What I love, though, is speaking way back to the teeth falling out. I love that there is this close-up shot of Andy's face. He closes his eyes and when they open, it's the CGI Ghalem eyes. That's a cool little move.

And that's the horror stuff that I'm like, yeah, that's what you do, dude. That's what you do well. And then we cut to Sean Asson, and that's not worth. Oh, good God. What the fuck? Oh, my God, he's eaten. Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, that bread is stale. That bread is stale. Mr. Frodo, we're almost, we've got only but three bags of combos left, Mr. Frodo. And I was saving them for the journey hole. Mommy, can we leave? He's scaring me. Please get, can we get out of here? I don't want lambas bread.

No, Mr. Frodo, I didn't eat all the pizza combos. It was that Gallo. Look at it. coat combos look at his fingers is they have

the picture cheeses on them yep pizza sauce hey I I tie the frosting

out the Oreos we got to kill him master Sam we needed those

combos no Mr. Frodo I didn't suck all the cream out of the Twinkies

it was Gollum these were double-stuffed Oreos Sam they're just

they've got no cream You aren't going to have an asshole left after this. It's just not going to be there. These were double-stuffed Oreos, Sam. Now they're just Oreos. Sam, you ate all the twicks and wreaths out of the potty bag, and there's only crackle left.

Crackle, Sam. Crackle in woppas. Oh, I didn't know you didn't like the whoppers, Mr. Frodo. Can I tell you, this is a good place to let this out. I got emotional multiple. times watching this movie yesterday and Sean Aston I think we're having a lot of fun he is fantastic he's he actually is the star of the movie

he really is that that's the fucking return to the king man aragorn whatever short when that dude gets back to the shire he's getting married he's laying pipe immediately he's the true return to the king they finally let him play football he makes the big tackle that's another moment where Sean Aston will make me cry horribly. He makes that tackle, man. Look out below. It's great. I mean, no, he is fantastic in this movie. We're having a little bit of fun with him as we were having a fun about a comedy show.

But yeah, so we, this is Gallum, basically. He's, this is where he's just talking to himself way too loud about, like, I'm going to do it. Like, dude, just, just, just what? What I didn't really pick up, I guess, until this time, with the subtitle specifically, is that he has named himself after his cough. Yeah. Yes. And I'm like, okay. I like, I don't know what's, it would have, I would have to get hit hard by life to go. And my life, my, my name now is just, Hockham. Like, that's just, oh, Hockham, what are you doing? Oh, how are you doing? I'm, uh, Mr. Achu. Yes. But it would be sort of nice to leave all that behind. Now you, if you're no longer calling yourself by your name, you don't think about how you killed your cousin. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Right. Become a different person. Yeah, exactly. No, fucking Smeagle did that. Not Gallo. Yeah, exactly. It's a, that's a J. Sherman clearing his phone.

And he's in a romantic relationship with himself. Of course, precious. You weren't going to take care of it. I'll take care of you. I want him to like roll around with himself for a little while, make you see noises. It would be great if like Sam wakes up from sleep one night and like Smigel's got his back to him when he's doing the making out with himself thing with his arms. Now, am I misremembering stuff? The ring changes size based on like who?

Right, so it's like a human, it would be human size. Fits all, yes. Which is sort of, I was just wondering if you could use it as a cock ring, but then it might go too, it might get too small. Can I ask you something? Why were you wondering if you could use it as a cock ring? Well, it looked pretty nice. I thought the elephant writing was pretty sharp.

Got a little prop at home you're considering trying out. I'm not going to talk about intimate things here. I mean, the man just wants to know if the ring can be used for his cock. And then if I put it on there, well, just the cock go invisible. Now, that would be something. Oh, no, I think you're going on all. The whole thing? Yeah, I think it's on that.

He's got an invisible dick. Yeah, but that's the problem. It's like, then you put that on your dick and then all the Nazgoula grab it in like weird slow motion. Grab it to your cock. Yeah, I don't need no ring race going at my junk, dude. That's the thing, Eric, if you do go ahead with this, you do have to play, she seems to have an invisible dick, yeah. I need Genesis to start pumping. I would love that.

It would, but it would insults Soron, right? Like, you want to piss this guy off, first of them. Yes. Fuck him. But you do that, and he knows exactly where you are. He can't really, like, that's not a subversion. He's, like, constantly search it for it. And then he just sees a fucking dick go by or something.

I mean, he likes sin. Yes, exactly. Now that I'm thinking of this, by the way, the whole idea of when someone puts the ring on, like, Eye of Saran can see them immediately. Did we just straight up steal that for that third venom movie, by the way? Oh, yeah. Because that's that whole.

I mean, what we did steal for? that's the whole Kodak's thing which seemed really stupid it's an incredibly stupid right that's a thing where like if someone has activated that or whatever the little yeah the little guys snow that's how you get away with like

we're just kind of have Tom Hardy for the most part we don't want to spend the money on the Mr. Venom coming back too many times speaking of Andy Circus but but so the thing is like so Gallum's talking to himself about like how he's going to trick these hobbits and you know obviously she'll take care of them when she's talking about the spider lady

etc etc etc And Sam over hears him, and he's like, you lion sack a shite. And it's like, fine. But then, like, you know, like, you can't let Frodo talk you out of it. You're going to be like, all right, master Frodo, you're right. I got really heated for a second when I grabbed him. Come over here for a minute. I swear on all things holy in the shire.

I heard him talking about getting us murdered. He is going to murder us. He said it to himself. He's fucking crazy. Like, really use your words, Sam. Don't just grab him with your fat hands. Well, because he's trying to also, like, be polite about it. Yes.

He's a Hobbit, and that's the problem. You've got to get a little salty here. You've got to be like, no, Frodo, shut the fuck up and listen to me. Exactly. First of all, he keeps calling me fat, which is really bothering me. Exactly. But I think that is... You know how sensitive I am, Mr. Frodo.

It was just one bag of gummy bears. That was all. We needed those gummy bears, Sam. They were going to keep us up. Yeah, so that's kind of two scenes we were just talking about. out there but in in the middle of that we do have uh we are getting back to eisengarde the boys are back in town all the fellowship coming to eisengarde to see what the fuck happened and what do you what are you greeted by it's one of my favorite things in the whole trilogy marian pippin just

fucking smoking weed having the munchies drinking some wine being like hullabaloon look who's back you know and this is like i i i should just watch them all together right yeah because i i was like, shit, I needed, like, a scroll. I needed some recap or something. So I was like, okay, Pippin I remember. What's this other one's name? I figured that out like halfway through the film, but I was like, I don't know, Hank. Yes.

That's a good one. That's a good, Frodo. Hank the Hobbit, dude. Hank the Hobbit, right? Proto, Pippen, Hank. Yeah. Sam wise. Right, yeah.

Sam's pretty close. It's like, Sam's a name. Hank, if you said like Hankworth, that would work. Yeah, said Frodo, that's an Italian name. course. But if I was Pippet and Mary, I'd be like, you know what, dude, we've done our bit for the fellowship. Eisengard seems pretty cool right now.

I'm just going to have a nice smoke for a couple days. You guys enjoy yourself. The tree is in charge. Talk to the tree. Hang back with the tree. I think it's great that the tree's head of state now. Tree beard is fucking running things at Eisengard. And he's got an operation going, man. It looks like this is pretty efficient. We're building this back up, like after the big war and two towers. sure and by the way

hey welcome back to the Eisengard Fellowship of the Ring that dude that you hate that fucking implemented all this shit and caused the horrible war that tore down this forest well we got them still locked up in the attic still totally alive and Tree Beard has got some sass I like this about this creature

is like, oh young master Gandalf you baby how are you doing? Oh yeah you've only lived for five centuries but I love Gandalf at the beginning moment because we're all like oh look at the fun hobbits oh we gotta go we're gonna go see that piece of shit Sauramon is like we've got to

make him talk Oh I'll oh you'll talk Salamon you will talk Oh how do you like all your wizard fingernails still being on your hands This is what we're gonna waterboard you Oh he drowned oh he's just dead He's just drowned me

I shall use a car battery on your jetty shells like my favorite movie lethal weapon It's enhanced wizarding techniques Have you ever seen Siriana? It's actually where George Clooney got the Academy Award. You don't remember that, really.

Oh, I don't. Oh, God. You want the Academy Award family? Yeah, yeah, the best supporting actor. Yeah, that's it. So he just fat and he had a beard. Right, yeah. He was a badass.

He was good of a bad. No desire to go back to war on terror movies. Nope. That one's good. I will go back. I'm sure it. I saw it in the theater. I'm sure I liked it.

It's pretty, I'll put it this way. That's the most cynical of the bunch. And I'm like, yep, correct. Yeah. Good, good on. Yeah. Because, what do you call it? There's Saramon here is up top on a fucking, you know, on a cliff there with his underling.

You know, usually when you depose the evil, you see, when you finally win against the evil. Sure. Yeah. You want to make sure it's fucking over with. You know what I mean? No, no, no. Let, you know, he can run again. Let him try to become an evil.

wizard again. It's fine. Wormtale's got the right idea, or Wormwood or whatever Braddorff's like nickname is in this movie. And I love it's like, wormtong? Wormtong, I think. Yeah, it's like, oh, hey, Sarumann, what's going on with Wormtong? You've seen that guy lately? And it's like Braddorff like slinking up behind him or whatever.

One final insult to this dude, which is like enough for him and I love him taking out the dagger. I was going to say evil wizards, just take my advice on this one. If you're making fun of your number two, don't do it. Take the daggers away. I would say, like, here's a table. Let's put all the daggers on the table.

Now I'm going to just roughen to you. That's just the two of you precariously on top of a tower. You know what I mean? That's a bad idea. This is, by the way, is we're not going to call out every time, but this is a big extended scene that was not in the, yes. I mean, Christopher Leisure is not in this movie. Really?

So it's just you assume he died in the events of the last movie? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which sucks because, like, very rarely do I get a fall on to it. It's great. It was fantastic. John Noble wins. Oh, yeah. John Noble, I think wins possibly all of cinema with that fucking death later.

You know what? Because I had just recently watched and fucking hated Conjuring 3. This brought me right back, man. I was like... Oh, he's in that? He's the guy. He's the guy. He's the guy conjuring them? Yes. Well, I don't know. Okay, we won't spoil it. You got to find out whether or not the devil made him do it. You also have to find out when Ed and Lorraine Warren met in the during World War II. Are you fucking kidding me? Is that this is another layer to their griff? I got to watch these con artists fall in love. Wow, that's so cool that you bought that war bond, Ed.

You know, I like ripping people off. And so do I. Oh, interesting. Do you know what the blitz actually was? Ghosts. Ghosts did it. Yeah, the Nazi shot ghost rockets. But yeah, he gets stabbed in the back.

First of all, I love that, you know, an honest to goodness wizard fireball is at this movie. Fuck, yes. Yeah, I love that. Wizard Fival was awesome. It does nothing to Gandalf. And then Gandalf just goes, Oh, pretty cool, Saramon. How about this?

Your fucking staff is shattered. Oh, yes. And it just breaks in his hand, which is great. So he's got no weapon. And then, yes, some stabbing in the back from Wormtong here, which Legolos prevents the assassination

because they want the information. And I was like, No, no, he was about to talk. No! That son of a bitch. And then it's like the arrow hits Wormtong. He's dead.

And then Sauramon, just falls off and let this is an amazing bit of design here yeah yeah a bit of water technology that i did not see coming it's a water wheel that he falls on but it's like a spiking water wheel i don't know why you'd need that but it came in handy christopher league it's a pit fatality of this movie yes that's all you can say yep it's a pit indeed it doesn't go through his face i wish it did but it's good i don't know why i mean why and i get i get it right like when you're it's 2002 you're editing this movie yeah release stuff has to give of course but like the fact that you don't have the sarumann

fucking cool ass death come i do i do wish we got it but also i think once you're once you know from the outset you're like we're going to be hurling six seven endings at these people yeah we need we need these people to be you know we got to move it along got to keep going the big thing that comes out of this is saruman has his little crystal ball eye there and it drops down gandoff or Mary first picks it up and it's a really great like if a kid is like going near an electrical outlet or something

Gandolph's just like no get away right give me the ball god damn it well also we should all be very happy I mean we this is again Jackson you got to get your horror stuff back because you know he's going down Saran uh Sarmon Saram his going down

it's moving the wheel you know that thing is squishing and scrape and oh yeah and then when it comes back up it's just a smear. It's just a real big smear there. His fucking cloak is still attached to it, but it's like covered in blood. I will take you know what? If you want to bring zombie mama back here and have her

crushed shit and all that stuff, fight tree beard, that's fine, but you got to give me that. And you know, it's cool? In four years, the Middle Earth will be just fine. That's right. That's right. That guy's fucking dead. Yeah, yeah. It'll be fine. We ride back to Rohan here. Thaoden. Thaoden, man.

Thiodin. Love that, dude. I think I love him more with each viewing. I think he's a really interesting character. He's, I'm not going to recall, like, something Lee, Bernard Lee, I think. He's a great actor, he's since passed away. He was the guy who played the captain in the Cameron Titanic movie.

But why does Rohan and Gander hate each other so much? I mean, we might have talked about this on some of the other episodes, but I don't remember. Take it away, Chris Gavin. Isn't it, didn't they like... One of them calls it hoogies,

one of them calls it grinders for sandwiches. No, it's that. It's, in Rohan, soda is soda. and then Gondor it's pop Oh my god, can you believe he called it whiz Wait and Mordor they just called Coke Even if it's not Coke

Pop? You're a pop nation, aren't you? God damn it Didn't they like abandon them in some like Major Battle? Rohan was getting their shit shoved in And they were like hey Gondor can we have some help And Gondor was like go fuck your house Because later when they're like Oh we got to go help out Gondor Thayerden is like why the fuck would I send my dudes to go

die to help them out when we asked for help and they did not. It is indeed Bernard Hill. Kill. That's right. Bernard Lee was the guy who played M in some early early Bond movies. Yeah, Bernard Hill. City of Kings my ass. Get them the fuck out of air. Fucking hate. Well, this is the big

drinking part, right? Yeah. We're doing it. We do a big toast to all the fallen dudes from the two towers battle. Miranda Otto is just begging fucking Aragorn to just make one mistake on the road. Like she's like basically like, yeah. No one needs to know.

It's just going to take an hour. What do you want? So horny for this guy. Steve, you are revealing why you would never be a king. This is number one on the list. Unless you have a situation with your elf wife. Of course, certainly. Eventually, like, breaks up with her, even though they were like, and we weren't even really

dating. It's actually, the line is kind of great. It's a really smooth way to let her down easy. He's like, ever since I met you, I've wanted nothing but, like, the best happiness for you. gotta go yeah it's unreal best wishes aragore

sorry but I've got like an elf thing elf fetish you need to be 300 years old than my mother for me to shoot yeah

if you're not that I mean I'm looking at your ears right now Awin and they ain't pointing so I mean look look she has to make a mistake

before she settles down with a four mirror like fair mirror you have to do a little fun like I bet you anything

when she wakes up and he's like cleaning her and she's like So did you clean everything? Did you see everything there? Yeah, but it doesn't matter. I've already seen everything.

I just wanted you know, I wanted you to know what you could get. I just want you know, my madam, that is the perfect amount of pubic hair. She's just her mouth this close with, What's her vagina? What was that? What's a vagina? What are the hobbits must have said that? I guess I should wash a vagina.

You know what? We clean the boy stuff, too. Why not? Why not? God damn. Yep. The most disgusting part of this scene, and this is where the fucking hobbit-vobbit sound was coming out of my mouth. John Reese Davies, Gimley and Legolas, in this drinking contest, and Legolas obviously kicking his fucking ass.

He's got the metabolism of Andre the Giant. It's always like Spock and Kirk. Spock always wins. It's always like, oh, but what about him? This is like, no, I'm going to beat you because I have magic power. And you've got these close-ups of John Rees-Davis just chugging, these mugs of a are just getting all in his beard and all over his fucking face. I love that.

A best performance by an availed racist. Oh, yeah, he's great. It's up there. It's awfully up there. I got to say, John Void and Megalopolis also in the discussion, I would say. Is John Rees-Davis still throwing around Islamophobic stuff these days? I mean, it doesn't matter. It happened.

Don't tell me it didn't happen. I saw it happen. I saw it happen. I don't worry about that. But to me, when you said Hab and Bobbin, I thought you were talking about when they're dancing on the, when Mary and Pippen are dancing on the table. Get them feet off the table. I guarantee you there's some soldier out there, like, I can make that work. Like, you know what I mean?

It's your last night on Earth practice on Middle Earth. You're like, they got fucking gobblinges coming out being. Like, I'm probably going to stab tomorrow. I mean, you can make that work. Fuck these two little guys. Yeah, yeah. I don't make that work. Gonna fucking go into hell tomorrow.

Why not? I mean, you know what, though? I got. Dude, Mary Pippen, you got to. get a better song because you're essentially singing the theme song to your favorite bar. Yes. Is what they're doing. They are. Yeah. It's really. We'll go to the green

dragon. And I'm like, can't you do like, and we are together and we are going to beat them and whatever thank you, Chris, because this is sort of like in line with like demolition man and you're like the jolly green giant. It's like a little it's like a commercial. Yeah. A little jingle for the green dragon. Now get, I give

it's better than most. It's better than Martitezzi's on 9th. But like, but I think like, you were the rest of the people like, you know, all the Rohan citizens and soldiers or whatever were like, so it's a, so you have like a green dragon where you live? No, no, no, no. It's like it's like a bar. We're saved.

They have a dragon to help us. No, no, no, we didn't say that. No, it's a bar. It's an establishment in our town. Oh, the green dragon be coming tomorrow to save us all. Oh, thank you, Marion Pippin. God damn it, Pippin, we should have chosen a different son. I thought smoke was the last one. Oh, I can't wait to see me a dragon.

Oh, let's lay down our arms, master. waiting for the green dragon to cope. You know what? Yeah, sure. It's on. It's a battering ram. It's made of iron.

We go that night into Erigon, I feel, while he doesn't want to be with Awyn, he, this, when it's like everybody's gone to sleep, but he does try to do a hit it and quit a situation here.

And this is where it's like the, she's like, oh, let me tell you about this dream I had, Eric Gorn, you're like, oh, man. All right. Not a great one. But this is when Mary is like, it's Pippin has to be an asshole to grab the

globe. Yes. Right? Yeah, because he's really fascinated by it, and so he goes, he pulls a Raiders of the Lost Dark on Gandalf, which I really love. He takes like the water jug and replaces the crystal ball with it. Which, I don't know, man. If you're the greatest wizard, you can't, you don't

feel these little men calling on you? Because I got wasted. at the bar at Rohan. Fair enough, yeah. Oh, those two-for-one shots. What an idiot I was. Oh, I didn't know they would have

orc whiskey. That stuff. Oh, my air. No spells bringing me back from this. It's not even a pizza place open at this hour. How am I supposed to wake up tomorrow? Pippin, you're quested on

finding me a bacon, egg, and cheese. I need deep-fried frogs. I need them, and I want to truck them in my mouth. Go into the river and fetch me a vitamin water. That's the purple one. At the same time, we are also

a golem is explaining what is going to happen before we get to Mordor essentially. We're going to go up to stairs. We're going to go through the tunnel and then she is going to get. Yeah, the big winding stairs. She's hungry. You know what? Also, by the way, let's stop calling these things stairs. I know what stairs look

Like, this is a fucking mountain that I'm climbing. You're lying to me right now. But there's stairs on the mountain. I know they're really like, you know. Steep. Yeah, a little steep. We've got that here in some parks in the city where it's like, oh, look at this staircase up to this other part of the hill.

And I'm like, nah, I saw that in return to the king. I'm not crawling up. There's a huge fucking spider at the top of it. It's not stairs if you like should have a carabiner on you. Exactly. That's not a stair anymore. Stairs are things I could walk up easily. That's the whole point of a stair.

Like, you can also, if you need to take a break, turn around and sit on one. You can't sit on these things. No, no. Very rarely. I mean, what, it's probably like a depth of like six inches, maybe. Joaquin Phoenix could not dance to what, rock and roll part one down these stairs. No, no. Oh, no. Oh, man. He would be dead. I think it's rock and roll part

two. Oh, apologies. But he would be dead. He would be 100%. This, you would have to, you would have to go to that little dancing tree so many fucking times in Zelda. Enough fucking, to get up these stairs with a climb. Are you fucking serious with me here? Even if you do the jumps. So you needed all the

yellow stamina. Yeah, all of it, as much as you can get. But, yeah, so Pippin takes a look at this thing and it's like it's like holding the ring on overdrive. Like he gets sucked right in. He makes this connection with Sauron right here. I see you.

Hello. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. There, you sexy little twink. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Sauron's a pervert too. A.S. Oh, my God. Yes. Now that stands for age-sex location. Some people don't know that anymore. The old legends have been lost

I was there 3,000 years ago in an AOL chat room saying ASL. Saying ASL and talking about the X-Files. And having a grown man tell me 14F New Jersey. A 47-year-old fucking pervert

sipping on a huge big gulp of diet hope. That's Sauron. No, yeah. No, tell me what you're going to do my pushing. Oh, fuck. Why don't you tell? This is not a Patreon episode,

by the way. This is a neat cheater. Fuck, we messed up. I should say by... Play with my titty. Okay, no, this is... All right, we're locking this episode. You know what it is?

I realize you're describing... In your translation of this, Sauron is that fat guy from gamer that's eating the waffo? Yeah, oh yeah, the Waffle guy. Sauron is Waffle guy. I should say, by the way, on patreon.com slash we had movies

if you're like, oh man, I wish they did all three episodes of on this wonderful. trilogy. Well, we've done fellowship and two towers that are on that paywall baby. There it is. There it is. So this is, it's kind of great because Gandalf starts freaking out. He's like,

you stupid fucking toek. What did you tell Saran about us? Did you rat, you little shod? Whoa, whoa, whoa with that took, man. What the fuck was that? Let's just fucking wait here, man. Because I think his last name is Pippin Tuk. And it's like, you fool of a toke. And I guess it's like whole family is a bunch

of fucking moron. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Legendarily known as moron Their whole line. They're real screw-ups. But he's like, I swear to God. I didn't tell him nothing, Gannap. I didn't take shit. I didn't take shit.

I didn't rat. We should really kill him just to be certain. Like, because he's a weak link now, Aragon. They should kill him. It's what they do to Morty and Goodfellas, right behind the back. Oh, dude, yeah. God, I thought I would have to listen to him all night long. Jesus Christ.

Let's go to the diner. Let's get some meat. I need some chicken tendies. but one of the things he says is like I didn't I didn't tell him anything but I also had the connection go the other way and I know what the deal is here and he intends to invade Minas Tirith

which is the city and Goddorf. He's a burning tree and all this kind of cool stuff. Yeah. So now Pippen because he started it him and Gandalf have to go on this great adventure to Ministireth. Yes and this is the part where Theodin is like

why are you doing what the fuck you're going to warn them for? Like they didn't help us out Right, right, right, right. And he's like, well, go fuck yourself. Sometimes Theodin King, things are bigger than yourself. I also love when Pippin and Mary part here. Mary gives Pippin some weed. He's like, he smoked too much, bro.

You've been hitting that shit too hard. It's like, I asked you for that ride to the bank last week, and you were so high. It took 40 minutes to go two miles. You stopped at Chew Burger King. It is great, though. It's like, like Mary comes up, And he's like, hey, man, you're my best bud.

I love you so much. Long journey ahead of you. The wizard's got his own stuff, but sometimes he's a stingy old bastard. Here's the last of our sticky, icky leaf to get you through this hard journey. I mean, also, you smoke Gandalf's shit. You're just falling off that horse.

There's no way to stay out of big boy stuff, too. This is advanced level shit. Tuk, sprinkled with ayahuasca. Oh, my God. It's crack cocaine. This is called Ork Sunshine. It's some heavy duty stuff Yes, I have a lot of problems

Yes, wizards poop Don't touch that. That stuff is hard. That stuff will put you out. This is a great. I love, I was reminded of this again. Man, the fact that Gandalf's horse is named Shadow Fax, it's so awesome. It's a great name for a horse. Run Shadow Fax. Show us the meaning of haste.

Oh, it's such a cool line. We're going. Minister looks awesome. I love the dagger design of the whole place. The whole city design looks great. We do have a quick cut in thing here where Arwin is about she's on the journey to do her

cross the sea into the, you know, where elves go to quote unquote die kind of retirement island basically. I call it blowjob island. That's really? That's how they die? Everybody just blows up. Yeah, you go there and you're like, oh my wait, wait, I'm the sucker. I thought I'd be the sucky.

No, no. I'm sorry, but in your language. It is not pronounced that way. It's actually Little St. James. Oh, Joseph. It is, that is where, yeah, that's where we retire. Those were, those were hobbits. Does anyone else, like, live on that island? Or was it, like, a private thing that he owned?

He owned it. I think they might have sold it. It might have been sold to somebody else now. I was going to say sell it or sink it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You'd have to, like, burn a lot of sage. Oh, yeah, yeah. Whatever spiritual things you have to do to a lot of. land to make it better. Get them all. I would say every denomination you got.

Get it out there. Take down that temple, the mall lock. You got to go bored down there. But you're living in the fucking, the little St. James horror, you know? It's your own version of Amityville, man. You don't want to buy that house. You got to rename it, like, how Crystal Lake became

Forest Green. Yeah, exactly. What you have to do, see, this is that you got to think long game. A lot of these motherfuckers think short game. Yep. You buy this thing. And then when, like, stuff inevitably comes out about Epstein and whoever else was on the list and they're like oh fuck all the evidence on that island we need to have that on it

oh yeah how much how much you want for the island now that is what there's me being optimistic but of course they would just kill it you're gonna update it for Lord of the Rings it's Jeff Wise Epstein but this is when you get Brett McKenzie for five seconds so great and it's

this is because he was an internet meme from the second movie right and like Peter Jackson decided to give him some lines because they're, I looked at it today. What's a meme? What do you mean he got mean? The, his name is fig wit because people on the internet saw like, you know, he's a hot little dude or whatever. He's a hot little dude. Apparently Brett McKenzie's a hot little dude from a flight of the concords, you know.

Okay, yeah. Figuit because the internet meme was Frodo is great. Who is that? So it's fig wit. Figlet, what? That's Frodo is great. Oh, that's stupid. It's so stupid. I know it's so stupid.

Dude, it was so stupid. You just explained it and I didn't understand it. And I promise I was listening to you. Dash not compute. No, no good. That made my head hurt. Peter Jackson's like, you know, I got my fucking six hours to feel. What do the fuck?

Fine, get Rick McKinsey back. I don't care. Fine, fine. Whatever the fat nerds need. Explain to me what a meme is. I need this to be very clear. It sounds like it's very important. You do understand.

And I'm not even sure if Christopher Lee's going to make the final cut. You understand that, right? So you're saying, total legend, Christopher Lee might not be in the movie. You're fine with that. You need fig wit to be in the movie. Got it. Got all this stuff with Bournemail's brother. We need that.

Are you sure you need figlet? I need at least 27 son minutes on the spider. Got that, got that, great spider. We got it in the warehouse. It looks fantastic right now. It's great. The spider's great to work with. It is in the warehouse, but it's a real spider, actually.

Very, very friendly. Very friendly spider. We have already finished four of the seven endings. We have those already in the can, the four of them. Oh, wait, now, now the New Zealand cancels coming down. We need a flight of a concord in. Okay, I understand. We've got, I mean, they got Cal Urban last time.

Now we're going to need a flight of a car. Every time this deal gets worse, New Zealand. Every time it gets worse. You know what, friend? I'm just going to quit this third movie. I'm going to finish it. What do you think about that? The world?

But yeah, he's basically, she just goes off. She has a vision right here. Oh, with her gross baby. It's Erdogan, older, holding a baby, and the baby has the same necklace. And she's like, oh, fuck. So Elron, my old man, like, not all, you know, he didn't see all the visions. Here's this other vision. This is a potential future.

I can't, I can't go fucking to suicide island. Like, I'm going to go back and figure out what's going on here. See, he must have done all that when he was on his boat writing his books. and trying to build this religion into what it really needs to be. That's right. The funny thing about when they cut to this little kid though, it's like

the reveal of like the necklace or whatever so they like turn, Vigo like sort of turns this little kid actor looks directly at the fucking camera. Oh my God. And in these fantasy times, nightmares it starts the K. Oh, right. Yeah. Excellent. But yeah, we get to Minas Tirav here

and this is where it's like, oh, well, first, I did want to mention, it's really cool when Gandalf rides up, you know, the streets or whatever, but it's so funny because it's, like, clearly a pedestrian walkway, and it's like, because he's like riding up to go see John Noble, get the fuck out of the way, get the, it's a fucking emergency.

You're chased by a little cop car or something. Yeah, you're going out, you're just trying to buy groceries and the biggest horse in the world just tramples up next to you. Oh, fuck, Shadow Factor's here, what the fuck? But the end, this is the great John Noble as what's it? D. Lord, Dernicel.

Denethor. He's the the steward. This dude ain't even fucking king. He's the steward. He's steward-ass stewards. I like that at one when later on, he refers literally to his family name as the steward. Yes. Yeah. It's like, no,

you're just, well, that's weird. Okay, buddy. That's your title, dude. Yeah. I would also say maybe maybe not so many cherry tomatoes for these guys, because you know what? This is another dude that just can't keep fucking food and drinking his mouth. I don't understand. It's so great.

They'll see his little grampy mouth and all the redness coming out of it. I mean, you know, it's supposed to show how shitty he is. Yeah. Blood on his hands kind of fellow. He's just, oh, he's just slopping these tomatoes. It's disgusting. I do love when they're about to go in. Like, they're, you know, it's like they knocked on the door and everything Gandalf like turns to Pippen and he's like, all right, here's the deal.

He doesn't know that his son is dead. So don't say anything about that. Your son is death. Also, don't tell him anything about. Frodo and Sam. You know, as a matter of fact, why don't you just not say anything at all? And for all that, you fucking wise wizard, he knows

it all already, you idiot. Come on. Well, you're also wearing his fucking son's horn and it's like, hey man, where's that come from? If I see some dude of my fucking sons, I'm like, hey, that's my son's horn. Split right down the middle. What do you think happened to him? Yeah, he's just holding it, right? We just shop

at the same horn store. No, no, no, no. That's my fucking Sadzorn! It's just one like his. It smells of his hair. It's kind of great when Danathor has, he tries to make some power line here he's like, where I, you know, I'm the steward and I make all the decisions or whatever, and Gandalf's

kind of like, yeah, okay. I love that Gandalf does not take this dude seriously at all. But the thing about Danethor, again, because he's sitting in that fucking chair, he's like, I'm not going to bow to the Ranger of the North, i.e. the one true king, because that's how that shit happens. You don't be like, hey, man, could you? Could you just watch my empire for a little bit?

Right. And then like in 10 years, I'm going to come back and get it. It's cool. You just watch it for a little bit. No, your son shouldn't take it over. No, you're wrong on that part. But yeah, once in one true kings here, we're good.

So Gandalf realizes that they're kind of fucked because here's the clouds coming in. Sauron has to use the clouds because the orcs won't move during the light of day. So we keep everything dark. So the army can keep coming towards the city walls. And fucking Pippin's like. yeah this kind of sucks maybe we should get out of here and Gandalf's like no no we're totally fuck now we can't leave it's only help has to be on the way now well because also Pippin does the thing where he pledges to this asshole because like they get at this moment where it's like oh my

beloved son he died howdy dies he died protecting me and I pledge myself you pledges of this fucking guy you can tell him what happened yeah oh look he fucking bore me or died a hero man right of a card I love how he's just like oh yeah he got shot by like a thousand arrows, by the way. Yeah, oh, that's, it's great because he's like, oh, well, one arrow of shot, you know, correctly can, you know, fall a man. Believe me, a lot more went into your son. Because he's like, how did you escape you little piece of shit?

And my, my boy didn't. And like, yes. What is the other side of that, John Doble is that, do you think he killed? How, that's just as bad that a fucking Frodo, like, killed your fucking mighty fucking son? That's just as bad. No fucking Frodo is going to kill my son.

This guy would be furious. I don't know. I think it's worse, man. If you're this fucking big Boromere dude and you were fucking killed by a Hobbit, that's embarrassing. That's really embarrassing. I'd rather be killed with 12 arrows than me. Because he's bigger.

He's a bigger target. That's why you dumb piece of shit. I kind of want the scene of like Gandalf the next thing. Pledge yourself? I don't know. It was so awkward. It was like, I had to say that he said, I didn't know what else to say. Oh, yeah.

Preach yourself for this guy. And pledging yourself isn't weird. That's not a weird thing to do. do. Pledge your... What? Oh, you fool of a toca get pledged yourself. You do understand we have to leave here eventually. We have stuff to do. You've got him thinking the green

dragon is real. And it's coming to help. But yeah, they're talking about this pledge thing while Gando, it's like night has fallen. Gandalf, dude, token up on this balcony. Why not, dude? Why not? Getting a lot of coughs, too. Oh, that bit was too big.

See, he is? Oh, I got a little greedy there on that one. Well, because he's looking across the way and Minas Morgle lets out like rips an evil fart. And a green ray blows into the sky while our other party Do you see that?

There's a huge fucking green light, right? What the fuck is that? Is that the 9-11 Memorial already? It's just going right into the sky. It must be September. Please, please, Pippen, please tell me that's not Frodo. That's not him, is it?

Oh, God. But yeah, that is because Frodo, Sam, and Ghalm have gotten to the gates of the city of the dead. Love me a witch king. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. I had total false memory of this guy. I was like, and there's Sauron.

Yeah. That's him. Because he was in the first one in a flashback, right? He's the dude in the first one that stabs Frodo with the sword and the shoulder. Okay, yes, yes. Which ultimately leads to Frodo's suicide at the end of his movie. It's, it's, it's, it's, it is part of it for sure. I mean, this is his conigliary.

This is the, this is number two, ready to go. And similar helmets, though. Yeah, he's definitely wearing a Soron-esque helmet. It's very cool. I would, I would love to look like this guy, right? No face, just a nice helmet. The more I think about it, Soron's got a lot of dupes running around Middle Earth because he's got Sarumon and you're like, Soron, right?

Like, and they're like, yeah. So like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, that's the guy. The feds, if they were looking for someone, they might just go to Saruman instead of Soron. Right, right. And then they got this guy who looked a dead ringer for Soron, just running around leading his armies. Yeah, well, you know, fucking Soron ain't no fool, man. He knows how to do this.

I would love to see that police lineup. Shit, I don't. God, they're five guys, but they're all wearing spiky helmets? No, he was eight feet tall. That guy's seven and a half feet tall. I don't know. Could number one walk up and yell something about it? the eyes.

How did they tell the difference when Saddam had all the dupes? What was the mark? Well, because the mustaches all kept falling off. You know what? They would go if they get the lineup right and then they tug on the mustache if it came off, dupe. Also, those eyes, I mean, they're very particular.

They were piercing. Yeah, I don't know if you could. Piercing. I thought he seemed very, very charismatic. I thought he was a very interesting guy. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, 100%. He told her like it was. It was a really cool shot of the all the marching out and like, you see, Sam and Broto watching it happen.

Well, it's pretty funny because it's like, this is where the staircase is and Gallum's like, it's fucking this right. And then like, Frodo is delirious and he's like, no, they're calling me. I'm getting invited to the front door. And they're like, what are you doing? And that sets off the light into the sky and because he's like

wasted, like, you know, the weight of the ring at this point has destroyed this little fellow. Come, my York brothers, let let us march on the city of kings. God damn, get the fuck over it. Yeah, but It is cool, like they all sort of march out and they hide and watch it all go by.

A couple times in this movie they try to like watch an army walk by them. What if you did? You pig guys leading the way, you know, in his way and he's got, it's just, I feel bad for his hand. Like, this guy should not be on the front line. This guy should be in the back somewhere. Yeah, he should be sort of like, you know,

dictating the orders like from the back line or whatever. But I guess it's just he's that much of a badass guy. And like, so this is, these kind of ork guys are interesting to me because this guy, full command of English. Absolutely. And it's not just blah, blah, blah. Well, maybe, you know,

like some of those guys, like Saddam Hussein types, they, like, go to England for college. That's right. Yeah, they would, you went to Oxford. Absolutely.

What's his face did that, too, right? Bin Laden. Yeah, yeah, that's, I guess, who I was thinking about it. Is it Goddor college? Is it just, I just want to understand how everything works.

It's a, oh, interesting. So they have this whole thing about like, oh, you know, they'd definitely be common from the north, yada, yada, yada. I didn't know where this dude gets fucking arrowed and killed. And they're like, where'd that come from? Oh, shit, maybe they're not coming from the North.

Oh, no. Maybe not. But this is where they do the cool. I love this. Because John Noble has been like, I'm not doing anything to defend these city walls. Like, nothing's coming. You're full shit or whatever. And I guess Gandalf's whole reason to go there was to get this dude to,

light this torch. And he refuses to do it. And this is another, well, I'll have my tiny little friends slink up and take care of it. Pippin goes up, he lights it and we see all the, I love this little sequence of all the towers being lit. Reminded me of when all the dogs in the animated

101 Dalmatians are barking and they get the word out. Oh, they get a little dog network. It's kind of like that. It felt very Olympic ceremony ish. Yeah, totally. That guy in the Phantom of the Opera Mask was there running around, doing park. or John Noble screaming and eating tomatoes.

The thing about cherry tomatoes real quick. Sure. I like it. Go off king. I love cherry tomatoes. The problem is if they're heated up, they're like little grenades. You've got to be careful. Those things, you got to watch it.

You got to watch it. I prefer a cold one. A cold one's delicious. Crack into a cold one, yeah. Now I just, I pictured you holding a little cherry tomato and you opened it with your finger like a tab on a That'd be great, yeah. A cherry tomato train. People out over the world.

John Hans. Start a cherry tomato train. Cherry tomato train. Coors train. But yeah, you're going to watch it. When they're hot, just we watch careful for folks. Right. You let it cool.

You know, I make a good dip with some rosemary and cherry tomatoes and olive oil. I like that. You can do that, but like you have to do it slow and you got to let it cool. Yeah, yeah. So the torch lighting gets in front of Aragorn's eyes and he's like, you know, know oh shit here we go they need our help they're under attack we got to go and this sort of gets gets everybody in gear we got to you know how many dudes can we get they didn't king you know what can you spare kind of but then isn't this also when elron shows up and is like hey uh or is that

little later uh it's a it's a little when he has a sword i think that basically yeah that's a while alron hubbard that's right elron hubbard you go weaving oh right yes yes that's the old elf the old Yes, Erdogan, I was on my boat with my family, and we were writing what might be the best book ever written. But they say, so the city has this outpost called Osgliaf or whatever. And they're like, that's our last line of defense. Like, if those motherfuckers take that, we're totally screwed. Cut to all the ring rates and everybody absolutely destroying these dudes. I think Faramir is sent out here at this point to go, defend that final line, hold the line.

The first attack, which is Farimir and his number two, are out there already in the thing. Yes. And Farimir gets like stab with a spear, which is pretty cool. Yeah, they get like fucking owned so hard. And then, yeah, and Pigman is victorious. And I think it's a small band get back to... Yes, yes,

this is a really... I think this was all over the trailer and everything because this is where they're like, oh, we got to get them back into the city and rescue them. Gandolph rides out on the horse and he puts his staff up and it does the light and it scares all the... They're not dragons. What were they being called? Oh. No, the Nazgoules are the, those are the ring.

The Nazarenes? I don't know. No, the subtitles kept calling him something else. I have to remember what it was. But I was like, they're just dragons. We're going to call him dragons. I ain't got shit. Yeah, exactly. But it's important to note that Faramir is sent out by his dad on a death mission.

Like basically, there's a big conversation about like, you wish it was me instead of Boromir. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I will say, and this is definitely on the cutting room floor on the regular edition, they have this stupid shot of like fucking Sean Bean in the background being like, hi, I'm a ghost

baby. Is Sean Bean from like the intro to a like Too Many Cooks-esque sitcom? Yes, exactly. Like he turns and waves. Because it's like obviously Jackson just wanted to have Sean Bean involved, which makes sense. You know, you're in the first one. You know, we want to have you

the next one. But it's also a reminder for a guy like me that was like, is this Hank? but it's like that you know i recognize him oh yeah that guy was definitely in one of those movies okay so he's the dead brother but when you get this turn though he should have all the arrows still in it yeah he turns around and he's 50 in the back but it's just like you wish i was dead he's like a little bit uh the wrong kid died yes major wrong kid died syndrome here orimir was loyal to me not some wizard what he said not some wizard's pupil like really shit not this guy you're a very cute boy but your brother was hard

He was a hot handsome man And I thought he was going to take over for me And be my hot handsome sire Oh my God, yeah, he's like trying to get in with his son He's trying to do his son swap, honestly Yeah, yeah He's popping those cherry tomatoes, I don't know I'm not your real, I'm not the real king

And I'm not your real father either Hell yeah, that means it's okay But yeah, you're stuck under that arrow And the fairomier just very weird goes out and he's like well I hope what I do is about to make you proud

i.e. I guess I'm dead well that's what he says I hope when I come back I've made you proud to which John Noble goes well it depends on how you come back if you're dead I respect you yes yes

we have a quick thing where we are climbing the stairs with our hobbit friends here and this is the great the fat one cannot know The fat one will take it Like he keeps calling Sam

Fat and even like As Frodo as a buddy Like well come on Smeagal his name is Sam You know it I'm not I just I can't have you calling him The Fat Roto agrees with it Yeah he's like well he is kind of fat

Yeah Come on Mr. Frodo Silence is compliance But Sam you could stand to lose Five ten pounds Sam Sam no food tastes as good skinny feels

so this is what he Dorito does him he crumbles all the lambis bread all over him he puts the sticky stuff on his fingers just to make sure this is straight out of I was just thinking about when it's the Simpsons Doss Bus episode and they blame

Millhouse for eating all the snacks or whatever that's kind of what happens here well look at this all the fucking Brett is, oh, but you look at this coat and all the crumbs. Well, I mean, Gallum is a master here, of course. Oh, my God, he had Rolos. How long would he hide in there? It's his chocolate on his house.

It's a chocolate. Sam, we needed those Cool Ranch Doritos. He's always stuffing his face when you're not looking. Let me smell. He talked to Slim Jim. He even. I ate the disgusting piece of cheese that sometimes comes with a slim gym. Don't head it all up.

Sam, you snapped into the slim gym. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you should have been saving that for the journey home. Oh, no, I'm falling. Oh, boy, I'm falling. Oh, did I give away your position to the one ring? Oops. Oh, we're skipping ahead to the ghost army already, aren't we here?

Oh, no. macho man R-I-P-D Totally They're right up there We can see him The guy's yelling about the sim gym This is that

Sam is kind of like He's had it He starts beating the shit out of him Right there It's pretty great Yeah And then Frodo sides with Ghalm Because he'll look

Because he's like He's gonna Gollum before this whole thing It's like By the way I'm guarantee you At some point He's gonna ask to take the ring

And he's gonna pretend It's a favor And like That's what he does here he's like, we'll all just tarry in a little while, you know, you're caught a little nuts. Hope you carry the load. Yeah.

Take a load off, Fanny. And then he's like, you know what? Sam, go home. And I'd be like, okay, cool. Where's the fucking bus that I'm going to take home? Sam, go home. You're always after my loads. We've been walking for seven months.

Exactly. I can't just turn around unless there's a shuttle or a ferry. Where's one of those fucking eagles? Why don't you just hang out here? Exactly. And on the way back, we'll get you. We'll come back. together out of the ring.

Yeah, go home. Okay, cool. I'll go seven. I'm going to walk through the Mordo by myself. You want me to go down these supposed stairs. Is that what you're telling me here? Is that you think I'm going to go down these? We cut back and this is,

John Noble has been like, why did you fucking abandon that post? Get your ass back there. And Gandalf's like, you know, you don't have to do everything. Your crazy fucking father tells you to do right? And it's like, no, no, no. like we're gonna go do it or whatever and this is like we get some singing in here

this is like oh hey Mary want to just sing us into battle here and this is this is the grape tomato scene or pippin excuse me the cherry tomato scene where he is just fucking going ham on these things it's some great editing here too because like as the battle is getting more intense they're just cutting back to him more intensely eating the tomatoes we're no longer seeing seeing the jolly green dragon song we're singing like oh yeah I'm so sad

what's gonna happen music you know like a A mournful song. Yes. An aria we might call them. I went out to see the world and now I'm going to die. It's essentially what the song is about. And Pig Monster and his battalions have fucking arrows trained on these guys. And they are just let fly and like they are fucking done.

It's awesome. It's a great little fight here. Like it's a great like appetizer fight for the big battle later. You know, it's like it's not insignificant. It's got a lot of cool stuff that happens in it. So you're like, you know, wet your beak a little bit. Give me some of that cool fighting scenes. And I believe this is when he goes,

The age of man is dead. The age of the ark is upon us. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not, by the way? You know, these goddamn men have been running everything. It doesn't look too good to me. Exactly.

I think I run for the Senate in Kentucky. But so this is, we go back to Rohan, and it's like, all right, you know, we've been trying to get folks to amass the army. What do we have? And Theodin's like, well, we got like 6,000 spears. that ain't great. It's like,

Arrigorn's like, yeah, I was kind of hoping for better too. But listen, we got a shit to get off the pot, man. We ride at dawn no matter who's signed up. Where is this green dragon I hear? I was assured

we have a green dragon and they will come here. It says it's all full of smoke. It sounds very scary. Actually, you guys ride out first. He'll be right behind you. Just don't worry about it. He's just behind her.

And Lord Errigan, there's an elf here to see you. Oh, yes, Aragon, I have disrupted my family vacation to come to see you here. My little girl, all 300 years of her, she loves you, my friend. And what an age gap, right? I know, age gap, love her, too, Granny Shag. That is crazy. Like, she's praying on a child.

She is. Absolutely is. But it's this thing where, and this is like a little bit shaky hand where it's like, and she's dying for some reason. And I'm like, wait, what? It's like, she's, it's the, her fate is now entwined with the ring. What happened? She fell down the stairs?

What happened? No, it's like, she's like dying of a heartbreak, kind of like, kind of like, what do you call it there? What's her face in Star Wars? Natalie Portman. Right, Padmae Amadala, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, I don't know.

It's basically like if he conquers, like her, you know, the stronger he gets like her life force weekends for whatever reason. But I've got a little special present for a special present for a special. little boy and it's this it's the big old sword that he's he's he's ha because she goes to him yeah arwin is like father reforge the sword he's like i got my guys to do it i want to see a cita you go we with the really just banging it out yeah totally it's just these two other handsome after three thousand years you should learn a little blacksmithing come on exactly like pick up a fucking hobby exactly you can't just sit around saying weird shit

you would bow and arrow shit all day no i will not do you know what happened happened last time somebody got near a forge around here, those fucking rings started happening, okay? It's fucking awesome, man, though, because Aragorn's like, uh, hey, Elrond, you know, I don't know that they're going to listen to me, man, and he, like, unsheased the sword or whatever, and he's like, they will listen to the king of gondor. Yeah. Hey, what is that?

It's a sword? No, we got a steward now. We're good. Don't need no, King. We got this tomato-eaten steward. The Democratic system is shifted, sir. No, we're going We're going with the guy

Who wants to plunge himself off the top of this place But don't you want the tree to come alive again And that because it's only alive when there's a king and God There's just a blossom there, that's it One blossom for the whole fucking tree We don't like the tree We think the steward's going to burn it all down We're excited about whatever that's going to be

Blocks our view of Mordor which actually looks kind of cool Do we get to turn into orcs Because I'd kind of be into that I do a new life for myself. I'd like to bathe in my own shit for the rest of my days. Oh, so I have to go underground and then get birthed out of, okay.

And now what? You know, I'm up for experimenting. But I love Aragorn. But how are we going to defeat all these people? I'm like, Elrond's like, dude, skeleton armies. Oh, right, the skeleton army. He has a vision of it, I think.

Because he, Aragorn sees like the zombie king in a vision. And these are guys that were like like traitors they were assholes they bailed on a fight or something so now they're just damned to stand around all just hanging out in this fucking kingdom of skulls which is not bad at the behest of you know uh whoever's in command to like use them for these battles you know because that's at the end when it's like well the you know the deed is done keep your word let us go

and gimley's like you know say eragon a fucking ghost army at your every beck and call would be pretty I mean, I'd wait for the one ring to be destroyed before I let these guys off the hook. You know what I mean? That was a good, that was a good one. Yeah. Well, I... He's too honorable this era, right? He's a little too honorable. Thank God you have to do something for that to be released, right?

Because after they use them early on, and I'm like, was that what you did you just blow your load right there? Like, are these ghost guys gone? No, they're back, but yeah. It's a bit of a game genie thing. They have infinite arrows, you know? Can I just have you for the day? At midnight, I will absolutely say.

this is uh so we're getting ready to you know ride at dawn or whatever and this is where a win comes out and tries one more time to fuck this dude and then this is where he goes uh i cannot give you what you seek and this is kind of interesting he goes you're in love with the idea of me which is a real roundabout way to be like you don't know me yeah that's amazing i would like all of you to be on my hand you know yes listen if anyone out there is on the fence with their partner use that line. That's a good one. That's a great like, ooh, that's a good one. But she also thinks, because him

and the elf and the dwarf are going and she thinks that he's abandoning battle. He doesn't say, no, I'm going to get a skeleton army. He's like, I got to do something real quick. Basically. Well, they don't, they don't volunteer to go with him until he's like, out on the horse. Well, she's leaving. She's like, you're leaving us and he's like, I have something I have to do.

As opposed to saying skeleton army, which would put her at ease. Right. That's like, I got to do some Lord of the Rings shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Side quest. If I was worried about, like, this dude I love and his response was, no, no, no, Skeleton Army.

I'd still be nervous. I don't know what that means. I'd love him more. Exactly. Skeleton or ghost? I'm really, I'm confused here. It's a bit of both. I guess it's ghost.

You see a lot of skeletons. There is a, what, like a Terminator skull beach situation at some point. There are like a skull waterfall. Skull tidal wave Skull tidal wave That's what I called it Absolutely Scuvalanche

Scull Valche Sounds like Bruce Valanche This is This is Oh no no I got Right before they leave to go Find these dudes

Just the only other cool details Theodin is like Hey by the way Aywin I'm handing it all over to you Like when I eat shit It's all yours You know

Just stay here Just hang back this will all be yours so we go we go to meet the the men of the mountain as they're called it's kind of funny when they're all riding out everyone's like looking like where the fuck of those guys go hey what the fuck's going on and then it's like i guess he's abandoning us just these like rohan soldiers no we're just getting a skeleton dude just don't worry skeleton army couple days what's that guy talking about is he crazy what's he on about are we fucked we should say around here a win she's told to stay back but she she doesn't marry is also told

stay back and he's like, but I want to fight. I'm like, you'll get split in half, you little fucking hobbit. Are you kidding me, dude? By the way, I'm not believing this guy about that skeleton army. Green Dragon was alive. He kept on saying that some guy named Manacottis was going to help us.

I like when they go to see these dudes because we got a lot of cool. I mean, it's old school Peter Jackson moves, I guess, but it was more reminding me of Sam Ramey because I love all the floating camera fast going through the forest and up the hill and everything it's pretty neat again make a fucking horror movie it's easy that everybody makes horror movies now you know yeah because no one

goes to any other movies exactly lee daniels is making horror movies fucking that thing's supposed to be a complete it's a disaster a disaster what is this what is this called deliverance the deliverance the deliverance wow wait wait wait whoa we're gonna have hillbillies rush open guys Glenn Close is in this and she does a performance that really does rival the hillbilliology performance among her worst things she's ever done. It's awful. And I've seen it.

I've seen like the makeup job that they have on her in this Lee Daniels movie. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that's a get on the boat to the elf world. You're done. But I was in the wife. But this is, you know, the Ork Army approaches Ministerth,

but here we go. We're going deeper underground to find these the lost skeleton guys or whatever. Like the Jamirikwai song. virtual insanity yeah but well for the godzilla's the song they did for godzilla is deeper underground

wow how dare you know more than one song by that wow but they're getting down and I love this part where like the spirits are kind of like moving around them and like gimley's like kind of blowing them away and they're trying to like move it out of the way or whatever and it was like it just kind of reminded me

because they're like touching them kind of and I just thought about the Dan Aykroyd ghost blowjob for some reason. Well, it's this weird thing where, like, everywhere you step is a skull, and it's got to make you feel uncomfortable. Well, that's the great part when Eric, I think it's Aragorn's like,

uh, don't look at the floor. Yeah, exactly. Gimley looks down, it's like, I'm stepping on skulls. Got a bunch of people's sons on my feet. But then here's the dude man,

the king of the dead, who enters my domain. And you know what I loved? Because I looked at it up, I was like, this guy's got to be somebody. That's, that's my instinct. It's like, oh, this is the king of the dead. He's got to be so.

No, he's just some New Zealand actor But he sounds great and he looks great That's okay I want to know, it's all you need Who the fuck elected this guy, King of the Death, right? Like, what is you, the commander of the traitor army? Yeah, he was probably the worst of the bunch

He was probably the one who did the most traitoring You will suffer me He says and then like all these ghosts Just laugh at Eragorn which is great Getting laughed at by a ghost That's embarrassing The dead don't suffer the living you'll suffer me Yes, yes, yes, yes

Which is great And then the way is shut There is no blah blah blah blah the dead keep it closed and everything when they like reveal themselves and they like keep coming out I was like there's a lot of ghosts in this cave anybody who played the Return of the King video game for PlayStation

I want to say too nope didn't know that existed I knew I knew they existed I just never played it was a pretty fun game but it really this part took fucking forever oh really yeah yeah oh so they were just they weren't like middle earth games they were like you played the movies you played this movie yes yes yeah and you'd cut between like

you'd be Sam and this scene you'd be you know what I mean oh weird no I movie adaptations into games I generally stay away from it. I agree, but that was a better-than-average one unless somebody on the internet wants to tell me otherwise. I remember being really fun.

Because then I think they did start making other non-trilogy games and stuff. I do think they start doing that with more of them. But to your point, Steve, like I do like that they just get a bunch of actors that have like a good voice. Because now you just like what? You hire Ralph Innocent seven times

to do all your characters like this. Or it's like, oh, it's fucking Christopher Walken or it's somebody that's going to take you right out of the movie when he's like, I'm the king. No, he's a spooky scary king and I buy it. I just feel like from here on end, with the exception

you're doing actually, that's a good point. But like anytime you have a character that has to be huge, Ralph Innocence is the only guy you're going to allow, because I think he's going to be Galactus. He is with no voice modulation. They're going to. Oh, that's good. Yeah. No, they shouldn't. They shouldn't. Just just fucking leave it. Just leave the raw audio. That's why

you want him. It's for the voice. Yeah. By the way in this scene, I love Gimley just like blowing away the ghosts. Get off me. That's a blow job, sort of. It's like he can't get a birthday cake to go out all the way. Trick, trick ghosts. It's like an old person that just can't get that last candle.

You ever see an old person trying to blow out a birthday cake? It's one of the saddest things you'll ever win. That's why you take him by the arm and say, come on, grandma, you're going on the boat. Yeah, time to cross over the scene of fucking retirement island, dude. just an annoyed like a grandson licks his thumb and pinches it. There, it's all, man. We did it.

Yeah. I do like this moment because he gives the whole thing. He's like, hey, man, I'm the son of Eels the door, whatever his name is. I'm going to be the one true king. I promise you, if you help us out here, I will fulfill the oath and I will, you know, grant you your freedom to move on to the next life and whatever. And they're like, fuck you. And they all start laughing and like go back into the cave. And it's like, well, I guess that's that.

and they all walk out and they're kind of like you know heads are hanging heavy they see the boats coming from the south like well fuck you know these guys said no what are we gonna do and the fucking ghost king comes back out mere seconds later and he's just like uh yeah me and the guy's disgusted it's totally cool we'll help you out we just want to scare you a little bit we are ghosts you know that's what we do fucking sunlight oh my christ oh yeah we did i'm telling him i'm telling Yeah, we'll help you out. We fight. That's what it is. He basically sticks his head

out of the fucking stone wall. We fight. His dialogue should just be boo, and then it's the subtitling that you find out. Boo, boom, boom. We're going to fight. The beginning of the evil men of the east. Uh-huh. I wonder what that's a battle. I don't know what that could mean.

It's just the evil men of the east. And Peter Jackson is one of them? they send we cut back and they're sending ferramir back to the castle injured and everything

like look what we did with your boy like go fuck you you know and this is like all right well now now things are amping up like the battle is going to happen here I love John normally sees the dead body he goes flee for your lives

and it's like all right you get off has to like hit him be like don't listen to this guy Pip is like, yeah, he's alive. No, we must kill his selves. It's so funny. But he's a steward. We got to listen to him.

We love him. The way that this orc army led by toxic Avenger guy, Pigman gets this going is he's like, okay, return the rest of the prisoners. Catapult and catapulting decapitated heads. I love that. There is one, like, lowly or a quest to collect all the heads. All the head guy.

God, this one's got a little stuff on it still. Is this a part that's this shot of the heads and everything? Is this an extended thing only? I could tell you, yeah. Because, like, that's one of the things that's interesting about this extended cut is it's rated R.

Oh, really? Yeah. And it is much more fucking violent. And there's a lot of, like, we're pulling swords out of people and there's blood on it and everything. There's two instances of fuck being sad. Gandalf's like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, it's not referring to the act. that's just saying it as an exclamation. But yeah, so this is Denethor... But it shall not be this fucking day. Do you think you needed to do that? Well, it's extended it's fine. But yeah, so this is... The heads start going, and then this is...

Yeah, Denethor is just screaming. Everybody, everybody fucking flee, blah, blah, blah. And Gandalf just like, Remain at your post, he's a fucking coward. No? bring me wood and oil me and my son must burn I do love that there is a

bunch of dudes and like well I guess that's what he wants to burn his son I guess we're going to do that he's the steward give him what he wants we get this catapult fight while they're getting the wooden oil ready and I love a good catapult fight but like they are ministerious folks are throwing

parts of the city at them and it is a I got to say Toxy Pigman here baller move this is coming and you you think like, oh, this guy's going to be hilariously squished. No, no. This dude sidesteps about seven inches and misses it perfectly.

Badass motherfucker right there. The effect on the bricks going into the crowd still look great. They do. They really do. I think most... It holds up more or less. I mean, there's still, there's a few moments that look a little like it all looks fake, but it

all kind of works at the same time. The reality of the movie. Right, exactly. But it's also artfully done. Like, again, I'm not necessarily against cg i'm about it being careless like this was actually they were like we're going to design this we're going to make this look good like it's like um the the stuff like on rrr like it just it looks right for the movie and it's well designed that's all i want that's all you need this the the obsession of like photorealism and whatever like i don't need that i just need it to gel with the way the rest of the movie looks you know there's a way that you can do it where it

doesn't have to be like looking exactly one-to-one a real thing i don't want the lord of the rings movie be a Frederick Wiseman picture. Just get me no effect in there. Same runtime, though. No, it probably would be very close. We had Lord of the Rings High School. I love that one. Lord of the Rings Hospital.

Absolutely. It's John, it's just like literally 20 minutes of John Noble eating the tomatoes. Just a single shot. I'm into it. No, but I mean, the thing, but you're right, and I think that that's the thing, the difference also is that it's Peter fucking Jackson.

Yes, sir. It's just because when it's some dude you got, that doesn't know, some guy from a television director that has given a multi-billion dollar movie and they're like, oh no, here's the special effects. He's like, okay, cool, I'll just put them where you want me to put them.

And that'll be the movie as opposed to like somebody that really has done everything in the business knows how everything kind of works and he's like, okay, and obviously he's not doing the special effects himself, but he is okaying and he's like, no, this is going to look this way, this is going to be just cartooning enough to fit.

Because he's a fucking artist with an actual vision. Yes. You know, and like, I'm sorry, That's crucial. Yeah, it is. It is just, you have to have a vision for what you're doing. And not just a paint by the numbers.

Tell me what you want me to fuck. Not like just coming in. They're pre-vising everything. Exactly. And it's just slap it together. There's no communication with that. And he cares about the material, which is, I think, the biggest problem with lovely bones is he just does not give a fuck about the book. Like, he's like, whatever.

Fucking, yes. I know I'm big on adaptations now, I guess, because of this fucking thing. Important to point out right here, a cool thing that I always love. Gandoff's sword and staff combo. Oh, yes. He's doing both the same time. Because he's yelling at Pippin right here. He's like, this is no place for a fucking Hobbit. Get out of here. If you must

learn to fight, you must do it this way. You swing around. Yes. And swing around and swing around. That's what we just do that in threes. Swing around. Swing around. Swing around. No defense. It's totally fine. I also want... Are you magic? Okay, then you might need some defense. Okay. Well, whoopsies.

I want him to use the staff to blast a few dudes like you know what I mean really just turned somebody into salt or something exactly you he hits someone in the stomach with it a Wilhelm scream comes out and he turns to sand exactly or just the blood mist he turns into a blood mist would be pretty sweet and it gets all over

Gandalf it this is disgusting the white cloak is like getting redder and redder it's like starts off as pink and then it's like getting drenched and he's just he's like covered in blood and it's just but Pippet is like dude they're bird he's pulling a bird

man he's gonna burn him alive and this is this is great because we're trying to get this fucking gate open we can't get it's impenetrable they're telling pigman and pigman goes well grande will breach it

and you see this big wolf-shaped battering ram and it's so cool like I gotta tell you I'm not a fan of battering rams no I love battering oh my god kidding me that's why I mean my head flue off my head you said battering rams you gotta love those

love them love those guys no this is where it's like grond will do it and all the orcs are trending gran gran gran gron and this is the end of the first disc if you're watching the extended cut and you know while i'm not a fan of having to change discs it's a cool cutoff moment right here they found a good spot to cut it off i did get a little confused here is grond the name of the battering ram i believe so i think we have named the battering because they also say like the wolf get the wolf's head out here and i'm like right wait a minute Is Grand Pigman? Who is this?

No, I think Grand is the name of the thing. I just hate this inconsistency. Dude, it's Lord of the Rings. Errigorn's got like six fucking names. Well, like, okay, if it was like, son of Grand, Wolfhammer, like, then I would understand. Wolfhammer's first album is excellent. The second two, get a little preachy.

Yeah, overproduced. It's not what I listen to Wolfhammer. Yeah, we can tell you're ripping off Hawkwind, okay? But I do I love Gandalf's pop era I thought that was some great stuff he did there But we cut back to the river And this is the boatmen are coming up

And Aragorn's like Hey you fucks You ain't fucking getting into that city And they all just start laughing at him And it's like oh He's like hey Aragorn Like throw an arrow that way Just to kind of warn him or whatever

And he's like all right on it And he goes to shoot the arrow And this is where Gimley kicks the bow And it changes direction and it fucking shoots a dude on the boat who is indeed Peter Jackson That sounds nice Well, yeah, no, Eric

Erickard yells out Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper? Peter Jackson on the boat's Oh God, get that kid. Dwarves, you know, God damn. You better pray to God to the god of skinny punks that I don't come over there.

We need a little wind here. We need just a little bit of wind here. It's going to leave a Mac. Oh, for the. The love of God. They do a straight up, you know, you're not going to pass. And this dude goes, oh, yeah, who says? I say, oh, yeah, you and what army?

This army, the fucking ghosts come out. Oh, man. It's great. Sicking them on these guys. It's so cool. But we're breaching the city. Meanwhile, John Noble asks Pippen because he is a singer and he's indebted to him to start stuck in the middle with you, which he does do.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I don't know why I are. I came here tonight. He's just gassing himself, dude. He's gassing himself. Just drinking this stuff. It's amazing.

Now, this can't be gas, right? We didn't have that yet. I don't know, but I'm actually like this is real life. Maybe like kerosene or whatever we had. I guess so. There's got to be some alcohol. You're lighting torches and such. That's true.

Now, Pippin, could you do something a little bit more mournful, please? We're about to light the fires. It's so hard to say goodbye. to yesterday we have a quick you know there's some stuff with our hobbit friends which none of it is really significant other than there's a moment

that I think is kind of nice where Frodo collapses and he has this vision of gladriol and it's a cool like Kate Blanchett's talking to him but not moving her mouth which is pretty sweet and it's just like because he wakes up he falls down and it's like you know the downtrodden gross gray

mountain shit that they're on and he wakes up and it's like a much nicer environment and she's there and it's like hey keep going buddy you're doing great here's a helping hand and he wakes up just back in it or whatever is this going to be what which kind of dream shall this be master Frodo you know what I mean don't play dumb with me little Hobbit I know you looked at me awfully a lot you like giant women well Mary's about to have the real dream

oh dude that kid is hard as a rock when he's on this horse I know I can't save Middle Earth I just want to help my friends, which is a really great line that Mary says to her. But, yeah, this is, you know, because it's a lot of like, you know, you got a lot of live for too. You know, like, don't, don't set yourself short. Like, we're both fucking great. And then this is like, they're kind of having this moment.

Yeah, I was just like, oh, giant, well, I want to fucking climb this girl. Because she just picks them right up, puts them on the horse, man. Ride with me. Oh, please. Please, madam, do that. We've talked a little bit about this funeral that Denethor is trying to do here and what I love even more about it is he's trying

to conduct this funeral while this battle is going. Which is just the funniest little bit of cowardly time mismanagement here. I love it so much. But yeah, it's like, all right, everybody, get it, we're going to do it on this big marble table, get all the wood there. Here's my definitely dead son.

Not going to check on that at all. It's the body python. I'm not dead yet. I got better. No, he's dead Now get me more oil And give me your torch But yeah That's you know

That's kind of going on here It doesn't happen right here There's a lot of like Set up to whatever Yeah one of the things we skipped over But it doesn't matter Because it's still here and in play Previously to this

Frodo has entered the spider's arena And so this is the spider kind of comes back again I love the spider sneaking up on him Well, doesn't he, he has to dispatch Gollum first? Gallum makes his move, or no, Gullum waits for the spider? He hangs back. Gollum's like, come on, get in there. This is going to be cool.

He's like, the good courts are in the backmaster, Howard. No, keep going. Because they get to the top of the stairs, and it's like, go in there. And he's like, well, why aren't you coming with me? Don't worry about it. And I think this is like a real spider, right? New Zealand and Australia have, like, giant, they have, like, giant, buggers.

Yeah. Big guys, big boys. Actually, you know what's kind of heartwarming is Peter Jackson took the spider home afterwards. Oh. This is his pet spider now. He rides around. Yeah, it's fuzzy. He's spider. It's great. We ride him into town.

He loves the little saddle I put on him. He likes some of the Beatles with me. It's fun. Man, if I was like, you know, wizard, I'd, like, conjure up a giant rolled-up newspaper. Somebody had a good move, yeah. No, yeah, he only killed three of my sons. Now I'm just picturing this spider, like,

running across, like, the middle-earth field, and there's just a huge floating newspaper No one's holding it It's just flying after it Yeah, Rohan Gondor relations At all time low is a headline Now Eric, as a self-proclaimed Does this scene bother you or not so much?

No, not so. Because it's a big monster Yeah, it's a yeah But if you saw a spider just scuttering on a bathroom floor If they filmed an actual real Small spider Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be scary

But you know, the thing is I'm not I used to be afraid of spiders I kill them all the time, you know, because you've got to live a life. Does it make you feel tough? No, but I might, you know what? There's, you know, I take them outside. Let's just say I take them outside. I don't want people to be mad that I'm killing spiders because I'm not.

I'm taking them out of sight. He's a gentle soul. It's like taking them to the elf world, you know, it's just thinking of it like that. You're taking them spiders do a farm upstate. That's right. They're running around and having fun now. this spider though with its little stinger getting him in the stomach the sound effect here is really good gang it fucking totally like totally turned my stomach how do you come back from that

well it stabs him in the chest so hard his cum comes out in mouth it's insane that is a gross he's just drooling is that oh it was a backup am i wrong though before that that thing gollum fights him and he knocks him down a cliff like seemingly gollum is dead for a little bit That's... Because Collum makes this move. It takes a long time, you know, basically. Frodo's got, like, the light thing, which is scaring the spider away.

And he's like, you did it. You lied to us. You lied about Sam. And he's like, well, yeah. Look at me. I mean... Are you telling me I would do anything for my precious? I called the fucking thing, my precious.

It was you. You ate all the Rolos. I'm all the Rolos. And the Dorot's dead. And the Doritos and the Oreos? You didn't even leave us of Mr. Goodbar. Yes, I sucked the cream out of the Trinkie. I was looking for Mr. Goodbar.

Mr. Goodbars and crackles, by the way, I feel underrated Hershey products. I love a crackle. Give me a fucking full-on crack. We've talked about this before I feel. Give me a full-on crackle bar. I can't find them. Hard to find a full crackle. Well, because crunch ate their lunch.

It was just fucking, it was over. It's true. Crunch was very... You can't even find a crunch anymore. But crack? Where can I find a crunch? No, you can find a crunch.

At the movies, but that's the crunch. Buncher crunch. Buncher crunch. You get the fuck out of here with that communist shit. Hell no. Hell no. Those things are called finger destroyers.

Those things are fucking just fingered somebody. Whoa. But yeah, this is, it looks like all is lost. And then Sam comes in. Fights the spider, which is really awesome. Let him go, you Phil. Oh. Come on, finish it.

That's pretty great. I do love. There's a part where in the fracas here, Sam drops the light. And if you watch how they animate it, the spider just gingerly kicks it out of the way. Like, just like, meh. Well, it's like, well, it is like a guy like kicking a gun away.

Like, and now what are you going to do? Yeah, exactly. It's just like slides across the floor briskly. It's so great. Then you just get the, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I will say in the video game, it's annoying. This level fucking sucks. stab it and it's a juicy ass. No, but there's like a million spiders you have to beat

because of course it's a million. All the babies are out to. Fuck you, man. Just have me battle the biggin. That's all I need. Yeah, yeah. You have to fend off fucking a gallum and then like this thing, like you get through a portion of the tunnel, then it comes back. Yeah. And then another portion of tunnel. It comes back. How about a bunch of baby shits? No, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. There's not enough here for you to make an interesting video game out of this. Then maybe you shouldn't. Yeah, it's fine. It's a Okay. Baby spiders in this part.

Fuck that. Although, I'm going to say, the video game of zone of interest looks great. Oh, definitely. It looks phenomenal. I mean, I know they're capitalizing a little too much, but whatever. I love the level where I just go swimming. You know, I mean, it's scary at the end. Press X to accept delivery.

Press A and B as fast as you can to steal more of the clothes out of the suitcase. Side quest. I'm going to play as the kid going to leave apples. Yeah, the blacker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, plus 12 malicious indifference points. Excellent. You have been, you've gotten a promotion to Commandant.

Oh, now here's a cutscene of me puking in a Berlin office building. Oh, you were almost at the end. You almost beat it. Oh, shit. Gotta keep going. Oh, no, puke break. No, you got to dodge it. Hit X.

Oh, your collaboration is disgusted your mother-in-law. She left. I'm going to tell you that. You lose the level. That last. That last museum level, rough stuff. Hard to get out of. Real tough.

Totally. There's like nine cut scenes. You can't fast forward. But yeah. So I love the spider. It happens before Sam goes. But he wraps this dude up real quick. It's a pro job.

The effect looks great. It does. And I love when Sam has to like pull all the shit off of Frodo. It looks like Elijah Wood is wrapped up in a bunch of rubber bands. Yeah. It's real like the, the tactile name. nature of this web stuff is really cool. But I do appreciate what you, like, I like

that the spider just knows it. It's like, when you go to King of Falafel and they're wrapping it up. Exactly. It's bam, bam, bam, bam, got it. Totally. They don't have to think about it, man. It's just done. There you go. There you go. Now I want the king. Fuck. Now I want a Hobbit. Sam does cut open room he gets the spider, he knocks

it away, right? He stams it. Right, right the juicy ass. Oh, he fucking gets it. Oh, yes. I mean, the spider has a few moments where he's shoving his big old pecker there into the dirt. That's got to not be nice. That big stinger thing? Because you want Sam, you want Sam's guts.

You want that soft, soft little hobbit guts. That's the thing. You're going with the force that would like break through. Yeah. Like, it's not going to break through dirt. Yeah. You're just stubbing your toe over and over again. I broke my penis. But it's great.

When he, Sam cuts open, Frodo's like netting there. And he, he was a riffraff from, uh, Rocky Horror. Like he's just got like the white. And his face is paler. They do a good makeup job on top of it too. Where does that goddamn toxic Avenger movie coming out? Never? They shelved it. I think they're trying to bury. It's done. It's done.

It's canceled it literally. Like we're just doing tax edit with that? I think so. I hope somebody puts it out like on a VOD at some point. How does Lloyd Kaufman have no say in this? That dude's never met a movie he didn't want to put it up. Exactly. And it's making Blair. I'm just really interested to know what that looks like. I don't know. I really wanted to see that movie. And isn't it what's his face too? Bacon's in it Peter is Toxy Right yeah yeah

Yeah it looks like there's maybe some hope for it coming out But it says There's one headline that says The Toxic Avenger remake with Peter Denglish Deemned Unreleasable and Can't Find a Distributor Can't find a distributor Have you seen any trauma movie that's ever been made Unreleasable?

That's what that fucking company works off of I'm not kidding you last night I watched we did the Amazon scroll and new releases There's 4,000 movies that are unreleasable that are on there. There's some fucking Aaron Eckhart action movie that is unreleasable. That guy's now, I think he's like the top of the heap. He's king of the secret movies.

That's one of seven he's putting out this year. Including the bricklayer. There is a Casey Affleck and fucking Lawrence Fishburn. Oh, yeah. Sci-fi movie. I'm like, these are movies I've never heard of that no one cares about. Just dump toxic adventure on streaming. If that's what you're so worried about.

You got such a bug up your ass about how. it's unreleasable. Yeah, that sounds like that might happen. It said one of the quotes was, it's too out there for theaters. We want that in the theater. Obviously, I would love it in theaters, but just dump it on streaming

if it's that much of a problem for you. Too out there for theaters? I mean, that word was only, I can, you know what got a theatrical release? A fucking Lego documentary about Farrell. So don't fucking tell me about two out there for theaters. You know what got limited release? It was limited.

I give you that, but it was limited. A Serbian film. It did come out. It did fucking come out. And this is not that bad. Every single one of those human centipede movies in theaters. I don't want to hear it. IFC, what are you doing?

Exactly. Get off your ass and fucking get this shit out. I will say the one thing I can imagine is to say that to get people's interest in it. Because if you say, that is the only way I can see. But otherwise, if you mean that, like, you can't mean that literally. You can't, like literally you can't. Because what does that mean? Do you actually kill someone in this movie?

We live at an age when a Batgirl movie, co-starring Michael Keaton was never released. So I'm sorry, I have to believe them. Unreleasable. No, they are unbelievable. That's what that is. But so here comes. Just wanted to say, because I got to point it out when it happened.

Sam, don't leave me here alone. Don't go where I can't follow. Wake up, not asleep, debt. Andrew Dupin crying. Oh, yeah. I was crying right. Oh, my Lord in heaven. I was crying right here.

It's a tough one. But then here come these orcs that are just ready. They're like, oh, these very helpful orcs that are just like, oh, he's not dead. He's just, she gave the spite of it. He'll be up in a couple of weeks, in a couple of hours, he'll be fine. Boy, those two orcs were awfully helpful, weren't they? Mr. Biggs had come through here right through Chicago. It reminded me to you of when, in a Christmas carol, when Scrooge goes into the future,

and he's just, he's like, who are they possibly talking about? That real fucking piece of shit kicked off last night. It's fucking hilarious. We're going to go through his clothes. Thank God. Now we got to get back. The next batch of orcs are coming out of the oven. The one orc guy that finds him, like, they give him a name in this movie.

I figure what it is, like bog breath or dog shit or something. Dog shit works. I'll take dog shit. We'll call him dog shit for our purposes. Cat piss the leader. It was really important. It was Telkeen's a vision. We needed to put dog shit on the screen.

I was, you know, like people were worried about it. I was like, now his name is dog shit. Elkin. He was a master wordsmith. Celladour, beautiful, the most beautiful words in the English language. Dog shit, great character. We didn't use them all, of course. We couldn't add pig dick into this.

It was too much of a narrative already. We couldn't bring big... Pig dick comes in here. We have an extra 30 minutes. Well, really, dog shit is a composite of pig dick and dog shit together. I definitely wrote it down, so I'm going to try to find this name, but it's dog shit. It's dog shit.

It's dog shit. I mean, he looks very unique, too. They give him a very memorable face. He's like, yellow, like, he almost, I was like, this is this guy, goblin? Because he's not really full orking out, you know? Aren't there goblins, am I wrong? There's, like, a tear. They mention it at some point.

Like, what, like, I think, like, Gandalf says some offhanded remark about a certain or he's like, oh, he's part of the, like, ordinary or something like that. Yeah, I think there's different. We got trolls. There's definitely trolls for sure. The orcai are the big ones that the big dudes who kill. Boromir, that big dude with the white on his face. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

They're called what? Orukai. Oh, I see. Sounds kind of racist. I feel uncomfortable saying it, honestly. Yeah, those are the Spanish orcs. They're pretty crazy. But the battle is raging here, which is pretty great. The battle's raging, and this is simultaneously,

this is where Pippin, the funeral is about set, and Pippin starts screaming, and he's like, you dumb motherfucker, this guy is alive. John Noble's got a great line here where he goes, like he kicks him out and he, you know,

he's like, this funeral is happening whether you like it or not. Go now and die in whatever way seems best to you. Yeah. That's just fuck off. I don't care how you die. Yeah, just go die and fuck you.

It's so great. Then John Noble starts singing the Madonna's Take a Bow song as he asked for a torch. Oh, and he just lights up. It's so good. Yeah, well, this is, Gandalf, he's burning Theromerell. This is what's so funny.

is like the battle's waging Gandalf is fist deep in fighting and fucking Pippin has to come out and be like all right look I know you got your hands full here you're doing the double sword staff thing it's really busy right now

Faramere's about to be burned alive by his father you gotta go take a little what oh for Christ God damn that man cannot leave the Stuart alone for a moment I was trying to kill orcs over here and I have to do this shit but this is

this is where because I just found it in my nose because Witch King comes in right here and kind of knocks Gandalf down or whatever and this dude says the world of men will fall and he does, this is great, it's the world of men will fall

and I was like you can't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, evil breathing? I don't think so. Hello, Peter. Hey man, love your stuff, but evil breathing, eh, eh. Enjoy the lawsuit. I'm sending it in.

You're going to be served by a giant eagle. It's going to bring the lawsuit in. I hope you're ready for the battle. of George's lawyers because it's going to be a rough one. Helms deep, I'm going to be balls deep in your pocket, pal. By the way, dog shit is

a gorebag. Oh, gorebag. Gore bag, dog shit, close enough. Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. But then this is, things are looking tough right here. The Witch King's about to fucking kill Gandalf. And then here's a horn sounds and it's the

army of Rohan and elsewhere are coming to bring everybody in. I love this part when he knows he's going to know he knows he's going to die and we're all going to die tonight we're all going to hell tonight oh yeah he does the sword on the spear bit I love that that's really great I love that

we got a lot of there's in this part here where they're all marching we got a lot of CGI horses taking a tumble it's already great for the rest of the time of Middle Earth the area around the city of Kings would have to be called horse bloodopolis

it's just drenched there is a Just everywhere. Guts and fucking blood. The shiting of horse blood. I'll have to rename it the set of luck. HBO's luck. Dustin Hoff is just out there like, what? Why did this have to happen?

Who gives us shit? I don't care if the horse is die. Is Nick here? Is Nick Nalti still here? I need to talk to him because, you know, we're stars. We can't be in here. Does Pigman get trampled right here in this sequence? He gets murdered. I want to say.

Is it later? Yeah. Okay. Because I just had Pigman trampled. I think he's principled by one of the... Doesn't Mary stab him in the back, maybe? No, he steps the Witch King in the back. Mary does? Yes.

They do a combo on the Witch King, you and... Yes. Because the pig monster is about to kill Miranda Otto. Oh, I think, you know, I think Carl Urban gets it. Carl Urban, okay. Oh, is that what... Yeah, Carl Urban gets the Pig King, I believe.

There's a lot of movie here, folks. We're not going to get it off. We've been dancing around it, and we've finally actually reached it because there's so much cross-cutting in this movie. Here it is. You cut back into this big marble hall. And here's

John Noble, erotically pouring oil all over himself. Fucking, fucking Faramere's covered in oil. There's all these twigs like we're about to burn a witch. For a second, I thought it was one of those freakouts. God, it wasn't. Just burning your son. That's way better.

But Gandalf just comes in. He fucking breaks down the door. It's like, stay this madness, you fucking cook. Yes, and then like, Ferrieve is like, I'm not dead. Pippin does the great, he jumps onto the fire there and, you know, rolls

them off and this is just, I mean, it's one of the greatest things you'll ever see. John Noble goes in flames. You see a man on fire running down a hallway. It's a great blink and you misses, but he does acknowledge, finally, once he is, he himself

is on fire, like, oh shit, I didn't to do this, my son was alive the whole time. He has this, that's great acting because it's like a three, a one second look of like, oh wow, what a doofus. And as the second passes when he realizes this, he gets, I forgot the first part of that kicks this all off, which makes it even funnier.

He is kicked by a horse. Yes. Yeah. Back into the flames, sets on fire, runs down the hallway, and then runs right off the ramp of the castle. And you just see this dude, he falls into the battle that's happening below them, on fire,

And what's great is they really do a good job with the animation. The force that he's going, like the faster he gets, the momentum, it starts putting out the fire on the corpse. By the time he gets to the bottom, there's very little fire. I will say this is a trilogy with hundreds of deaths. I mean, there's all these battles, literally hundreds that you see on screen. This is the best one. It's great.

It's the best one. In all six of these movies, honestly. I love death on screen. It's fantastic. We need more of that. Just Peter Jackson, come back and just do it just. murder movies. It's not exactly the same, but I do believe they did

something like this at one of Diddy's Freakoffs? Oh my God, yeah. I think that they did have a big wood and oil party. We're all going to hang out and light cigarettes and see who goes up first. Jesus. He really misunderstood. Get him to the Greek.

Also a movie that much like usual suspects is haunted at this point. Yeah. Get him to the Greek might be more haunted. it's pretty hard but I'd also like to watch usual suspects

I don't know no interesting so no episode on get him to the probably not you know what's crazy is I remember watching it and being like

that was funny yeah because Jonah's pretty funny in it everybody's funny in it it's just that two of them ended up evil people just straight up

yeah so he's dead which is great and then this is here we got the army with like the elephant guys and whatever and these are the dudes that like people will argue

were a scotch problematic. A touch. But they, listen, it's not an elephant. It's an ordefend. Well, it has to be. It's a Timothy olephant. Because it's fucking six feet, six stories tall. I mean, these are big, fucking big.

I'd ride Timothy Oliphon. Hell of that, dude. I would actually just ride him like a horse. I'd ride him like a freak off. Oh. Oh, you meant sexually. I just would be fun to have Timothy Oliphant kind of carty around. I think both, yeah.

I mean, I'd probably break his back in half of it. He's a strong fella. In either sense, dude. what was it? Either way it's actually... Oh, yeah. Either way, he's not walking around him. Oh, I think he dies once you start building like a hut on his back

to put a bunch of people on there. Oh, I love those little huts, yeah, yeah. Carl Urban here, back in the movie, he's cutting down some of these things, right? Nice to see him. Yeah, totally. I love... I love him. His name's Homer? Yomer. Yomer. Okay. Yeah, E-O-M-E-R, I believe. Sure, sure. Why not?

Well, his sister's Yowin, and he's Yomer. Which is the right around here, Witch King is about, he's, what do you call it, like, it's kind of, it sucks because the, uh, Theodin's like, yeah, we did it. Yeah. I think. And then finally, all of a sudden, the Witch King comes here, well, we can't fucking fight dragons. No, we can't. This is, ah. He's just got this like, come on his face. And the Witch King's about to get him, but not, not when Miranda Otto's around. No, sir. The face stab is great. Yeah. It's so good. Barry gets him in the ass or in the back.

And the thing, like the dude like falls to his knees or whatever and she just takes this sword tip first into his fucking little death eater. Right. First there's some line. Well, he says, you know, no,

you, you cur or whatever. No man can kill a, another fuck I am. And she goes, whatever I am, you can't kill me. No man can kill me.

And she takes her mask off. I am no man. Huge applause. Like, one of the bigger applause lines in cinema. And nowadays, people would be booing it. Oh, it's so woke.

I'm sorry, but the end of that fucking end game says different. My God, when all the lady superheroes come out, it was a sound that carried me forward. Really? Fucking blast. This might be our echo chamber of the liberal city elites. That's possible. So maybe, you know, they would be, you know, in Indiana, they'd be booing that. Boo!

BATO should win! Those people don't leave their house to go to the movies. They just stay there. No, no, no, no, no. Here's everyone is wrong. And I'll tell you why. Please. It happens.

I remember. It happened. But no, but he's saying because you're in a fucking bubble somewhere. And I'm telling you, when I saw Endgame, I saw it at a grody ass theater in fucking South Carolina. Oh, shit. The lion's den. That part happens.

The place went apeshit. It went fucking crazy. Everybody was applauding it. So that worked outside of that. And I will say the difference between I am no man, decapitate or, you know, face stab. and here's a portal and a bunch of ladies comes out. One's embarrassing and one's a great line that Miranda Otto says. Well, no, one matters and one just is just more stuff.

Hey, it's them from the thing. It's a lot of elbow nudging. Iron man, ladies here. Oh, man, I love her. Ah, the Iron Lady Margaret Thatcher and Avengers, that's right. We're going to get you, Thanos. No, no, she's fighting on the side of Thanos. And meanwhile, Gunneth Pound's just like, I wasn't in an end game.

No, Gwyneth, you were. Was that the one that she forgot about? Spider-Man, she forgot it. I wasn't in Spider-Man. John Faber was like, no, we were both. We were in Spider-Bed together. Remember when we scanned you, we did that 360 scan? Yeah, that's how you were in that.

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. Remember when we were doing that 360 scan and you said, what's this for? And we said, don't worry about it. Yeah, you were in Spider-Man. At least these people actually went to New Zealand. Yes, please. Yeah, they were hanging out. They were making friendships on this set.

Right, didn't they, like, get tattoos? Yeah, there's all a fucking fun time. Everybody, but John Reese's day. of he's idiot. I wonder why. Exactly. I think with him it may be a thing

where he wants to get into the cemetery. Oh, yeah. I think it's that. I think it's that. But meanwhile, it's like all is looking lost.

These fucking, all the fans are going ape shit on everybody. And you're tapping your foot. Like any time skeleton army, any fucking time. Totally. Want to highlight though.

Game us on break. We're old. We're fucking ghost after all. We have no fucking feet. We just need in a minute. My knees. are killing me. Our skeletons don't even exist anymore.

We are the leftovers of the skeletons. We had to sit by the fire for several hours because it was cold out and I was chattering. God damn it. Okay, now we'll take care of the elephants. You impatient fucking wizard. We're skeletons and ghosts, you figure it out.

We're on skeleton time. Gandalf to White, how about Gandalf to fucking patient? There should be a few cowards in the army that like turn and then get cut down, that then have to get up and beep these guys until the pledge happens. Oh my God, that'd be hilarious. There is

a nice moment with U.N. and Theoden where it's basically like, oh, your face. I recognize that face. Yeah, it's really good. I want to highlight it, though, no reason to go through all the battle, of course, but the fucking biggest baller part of this battle is

Legolas taken down the fucking gigantic thing by himself. And this is the famous sliding off. Well, he does a Fred Floodstone, basically. Yeah, he pretty much, he yabba-dabooze this thing right into the ground. It's awesome. That still counts as one. Yes, yes.

Him and Gimley are keeping the head count. I really love that. They do, they, these elephants have the, or whatever they are, they have these, like, the tusks, and then the dudes have attached, like, cow catcher kind of thing. Smart moves. Really. Just beautiful. Because these dudes are just going and swing it and just taking motherfuckers out, left and right.

It's so cool. It's a mower. You just push those fuckers right over. And then when they make the one, like he pulls on it and it goes into the other one and it fucking, it's so cool. Again, the problem being is that like these things, they wouldn't work after a while because they would be so caked in horse guts and blood that they would like the, they would go beyond the fucking spikes. It wouldn't hurt that much. Yeah, it would be a wet thud. I found it by the way.

I found it in my notes. But right after the I am no man and impales his face and kills the witch king, this is toxic Avenger Pigman. is still alive and he starts chasing and this is where she's kind of like injured and is crawling and he's crawling after her and who is it? I believe it's Gimley and Eragorn come up and just fucking ice it. Oh they are okay

they get that dude good that's good yeah and but she's now like mortally wounded and like things are looking bad but okay fine if you need us we shall be there and here we go just go smopping the floor with everybody it is a game

Genie moment, but I think it's very cool. If only because we get enough battle, and then the game Genie happens. It's like, okay, thank you for helping us wrap up this action sequence. There's one it's in the background, and an Oliphant gets like eaten by the ghosts. It's like

the scarabs picking apart. Because it's in the background. It's so funny because the way the shot is composed, I forget who's standing, like someone is standing victoriously, maybe it's Eragorn or something, and in the background you just see these ghosts take this fucking thing down. And it's quiet to you don't hear anything

they just eat it it's so fucking funny though now you're one of us olephant and I shall ride you to oblivion oh wait that the curse is lifted right when I got a cool ride

oh man damn is Hannibal's skeleton around here he'll know what to do with this thing quick question what happens when the curse is lifted can I keep talking like this oh it looks like the curse has been lifted that answers my question We are the skeleton league.

It would have been funny I had this thought because this is where Gimley's like, no, keep them in slavery forever. And Aragon's like, no, I'm a man of my word. You know, I free you. Oh, send them to the evil men of the East. You know the ones. You know the ones.

These dudes all like vanish, you know, when they get their freedom. It would have been really funny if they vanish and all the swords fall on the ground. You hear this huge clanking sound as the armies weapons are left behind. You know, it's really funny. got a smell already.

I can't imagine they step into that cave to recruit them in the first place. You know that place smells. I meant just the battlefield too. I mean, yes, I mean, who is cleaning this battlefield? It's my question. Miles and miles of crushed horse assholes. Not just all over the place.

Orcs that haven't bathed in years, you know, dudes. Gandalf with magic fire. Gandalfe burn the whole shit. I mean, it's fire. Right. We're not picking it up and moving. It's just like, I'll light this on fire.

Well, you're getting a bunch of John Noble's oil that you didn't use to self-immolate and, you know. You get the fiery shots like in Killers of the Flower Moon where like the heat is like too much. Yeah, exactly.

It's Gandalf just picking horses onto the fire. You got to loot all those bodies. Those boots are still good. Well, that's the thing, right. First, the looting. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Then the burning. And then you just wait for winter and nature takes over and like gets rid of the bones and whatnot. Then you're good. Then your front yard's clean again.

I know what? You know what? No, I call the oliphant guys, because these fucking orcs don't have anything good on their fucking person. All they have is these fucking shitty knives. Meanwhile, the orcs are about to cook up some Elijah Wood here. Yeah, Gorbeg, dog shit and Gorbag are

they start, dog shit and gorebegs start arguing about the mithril shirt or whatever. It's not going to fit either of it. Exactly. It's a little doll shirt. His elven bulletproof vest that he's got on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be a halter top for fucking Gore bag.

that's a hot look for the summer but yeah they get into a fight over like who's gonna have it or whatever and I love this fight is so hardcore that one dude kicks the other off the tower and kills him over it well that's how these orcs think I'm sorry I don't like to generalize but they do think like that

but Sam is making his way up in the tower at this point I do like he uses some shadow play to scare some guards which is cool like he sees that his shadow's getting bigger and it's like a roar kind of thing. But he gets on these stairs, man. He's fighting these dudes. He's kicking that one guy off the stairs.

No railings on this staircase. Oh, of course not. Big design flaw in this tower. You need a railing. It's an important thing. You really do? They're just not putting them there for fucking fun. Why would I bother?

I make these things from the fucking ground. That's a fair point. But this is great because he goes for Frodo, for the Shire, for my old Gaffer! Yeah. Which is great. And I had to look it up. Gaffer is his father's first name.

All right. Really? he didn't he wasn't on the film set help him out yeah the dude and this is for the guy that lays the cable and you most of all best boy this is for the lighting technician

and this one's for the caterers and let's not forget the drivers master Frodo how are we getting from one end of the set to the other and someone's going to bring her trailers in master Frodo someone used all their minutes their flip phone at the New Zealand airport waiting for our asses.

But yeah, he gets this work and saves the day, saves sexy little naked Frodo here, by the way. Dude, you don't see the bottom half, but it is confirmed that they took all of them clothes off this little guy. They're about to cook them, they're not gonna eat clothes. Oh, that's true. You know, the garlic has to go and hold. Well, but they could have wrapped them in like a banana leaf or something

and cook them that way. And then this is what Frodo's like, oh no. It's like when you wake up drinking too much like, my wallet oh my wallet fuck my wallet oh shit yeah the one ring sam i lost it i had it i lost it no master froto i was carrying it for you and not to be whatever but it was really easy i just kind of had it in me pocket like it was just a piece of me oh i don't know i'm crazy but he asked for it back right here and sam hesitates he's like ah but i see what you're saying at the same time though mr rome you can't eat it just give it back to it it's it's not a ring

It's just a ring It's not a ring There's no cream in it, Sam Stop, stop, Sam, there's no cream for you Stop trying to suck the cream out of the ring There's nothing there All right, I'll give it back to you But can you stop bitching about it

Because again, like, I just had it for like half a day And it was really all right And he snatches it back in this The ring is my burden Yeah, okay I don't like asking for help, God damn it And I know this is kind of a famous scene of the books because I remember this from the cartoon when we dress up as orcs.

Oh, sure. This, I think, is totally fine on the cutting room floor. It just slows it down. This, I agree with you. This is kind of nothing. Although, I mean, I like that they have to like, he's like, no, all right. I was doing a Sam voice, but it's front of it. He's like, come on, punch me in the face.

We got to make a fake fight. So they'll think that we're orcs because, like, they're marching along with these dudes. They file in line or whatever. But then some dude's like, inspection. You have an orch checker. Yeah, we got to make sure. that everyone here's still an orc. And I mean, we're in hour three of this film and I'm like, all right, everybody.

I get it. It's very funny. He's very fat and has no nose. He's very ugly. I get it. Come on. And they fake that fight and they're like, well, the orcs do fight. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, and then they slip through and we're on our way. It's a great, it's almost like a Marx Brothers gag where it's like they get everybody kind of beaten on them and then they sneak out of the fight and the fight is still happening. Yeah, everyone's throwing pies at each other. And more stuff I don't need is fair. and Yowen kind of like hanging out of Hemingway and Gell Horning at the hospital here. I like it because they are standing together at the end of this movie and like... Yes, it is sort of like, how did that happen?

Exactly. I get you. That one, I'll disagree with you on the, let's sneak through the ranks here thing. I would just, you cut to them going over the ridge, we fucking made it. I got it. That's the end of that. But it's kind of great because, like, you know, we're like, what are we going to do? you know, I think

that this is what basically the plan is one last big battle to distract Sauron so that Sam and Frodo can go and that is something you cannot tell anyone else that's not in this room. You cannot tell the generals or the pig farmer that's just got

this sort of like, so we're going to go and destroy, wait, what do you mean by the so we're not going to get killed? Oh no, you're going to get killed as a distraction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to die, but it's because of a distraction. But, I mean, remember, your sons and daughters are going to live on. Oh, you don't have any kids.

Your dogs and cats, they will live on for about a couple years after this. But I don't know how much. And I do want to see the scene because, like, everyone has just been through this battle. Everyone is wounded. Everyone's, but Faramere's like, I'm good. I got this. You know what I mean? He's just like, yep.

I'm just going to hang out here at the hospital. I got this lady I'm kind of talking up. Hey, man, you know, you got a plan for the future. If we get out of this a line, look, we'll make sure some tail on the other side. I survived my father's attack. I survived two goes with fucking pig monster. You know what? And I have good seats.

So why don't you just save me? Put me on ice. Oh, oh, and is that you? Oh, it's so nice to see you. It's going to be a long road to recovery. But on a side note, did you see how my father died? It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I just keep playing it over and over my head and laughing.

It really helps take the pain away when I think he got kicked by a horse into fire and then fell off a cliff. Hey, we love the steward. So I saw Erichhorn wiping you down. Is that anything? Are you two something? You know, I'm just wondering here. Who said that? Fair mirror.

She's looking after him. He's like, I have a penis. Whip on my penis. But Gandalf is like, well, hey, Eragorn, I don't know how like a distraction is going to work here, man, I don't know whether that's going to work. And he goes into the hall, watch it, it's going to be really funny, watch this. And he goes into the hall, grabs the crystal ball,

gets the face time up with Sarah on there. And he's just like, do do do. He's not picking up. Oh, he's here. Hang on, okay. Hey, fuckface. Yeah, you've been chasing me for a long time. And for a long time, I have alluded you.

Well, come get me, motherfucker. And I got a big motherfucking sword down behind. And it's so fucking funny because he takes it. Look at the fucking sword. And he's like, get it. Can you see? Am I getting this in front of the camera? Yeah.

Fuck you. It's a sword. See? I didn't check. Is the representative at the gate? Is that guy actually called fuckface? Because that would be fun. Probably, yeah.

But you know who plays the representative of the gate? Which, an actual fuck face? Bruce Spence. Really? That's Bruce Spence under all that makeup. That's crazy. I was going to see. This is one of my favorite designs of a character.

This is really cool. This is something that I'm glad is in this cut. because it's really cool. It's awesome. I love this look, yeah. And it is, I mean,

like, I'm sorry, people who love the Batman that laughs, which is, it's exactly the same design as this. Is that what it is?

It's the Joker, but he's got, he's got, like menacing teeth and whatnot. Same thing, it's got no eyes, but spikes out. It's the same.

Oh, man. So fuck off. They're calling that the Joker these days? Or a, a clone or variant of the Joker or whatever. Just give me a fucking

purple tuxedo and call it a day, people! When Joker, when this Joker meets Bruce Wayne does he do something like we beat the shit out of Robin and then we ate his face I love it. He's fucking dead.

Oh, it's so good. I love this guy. This is my maybe my favorite villain of the whole thing. It's pretty funny because the dude is basically like a what do you want kind of thing. Gandalf's like, uh, nothing major. We just want you to disband your army. And this dude's like, are you fucking kidding me?

What are you talking about? It also kind of looks like judge death of Judge Dredd The comics Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll pass that around For the, this is the Batman that laughs Oh, no! Oh, no! That's the same fucking design!

Oh, am I going to see something stupid? He's Hellraiser. It's literally just fucking Joker as Hellraiser. Yeah, that's awful. That's just not good. Oh, no, this is something out of a bad Ghostbusters cartoon. No, oh boy. This is the Joker?

It's a Joker. I don't want all the Batman fans. They're going to yell at you to this. Flesh patches on his fucking jazz. it like Hellracer. Chris is totally right. This is a fucking centibite costume here. So he's laughing huh? He's laughing all the time. And with the

chains whipping around, that's just Ghost Rider. But also fucking Hellraiser. Like the fuck. Yeah, but that's very much him like lassoing. Oh, it's a lasso. I didn't see that. Yeah, it's like he's got in his hand, it's kind of moving or whatever. But apparently not in the book, but

in the movie, Erigur just cuts this dude's fucking head off. It's so awesome. But the reason for that is indeed be holding up the vest and he says know that he suffered greatly who knew such a small person could endure so much pain

and he did Gandalf he did I pulled this from the teeth of a pig monster who was eating his corpse as I was leaving oh and the one ring we assume someone accidentally ate it so everyone's

going to be really careful for a couple of days we're going to check our stools we've got to guys go to the outhouses make sure the pig monster his shit is thoroughly checked. We need that. This dude does have a hilarious and quite ironic final line on middle earth where he just goes, it takes more than a broke sword to defeat us tocapitate it immediately.

Oh, man. And it would be, it's good that the army is a little bit away because if they had heard all this and Eric Grant's like, he's not dead. He's fine. He's bad. We got it.

Don't worry about it. But then he's, just say are we my star are going are we a distraction wait this is the great exchange

here between Gimley and Legolas where Gimley says I never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf what about

side by side with a friend I I could do that as long as you're not a Muslim it sucks that that guy

sucks because this Gimley rules it's a great character that Sal is a great character is a great character

the professor on fucking sliders is a great character. Absolutely. He died hilariously. I forget that. Yeah. It's like they're escaping the bullet. The bullet follows them in the dimension. Oops. But we're finally getting, now there's actual stairs

in a doorway to this fucking volcano. That's a stair. This Master Frodo is actually stairs. Look at that. I confidently built staircase, Mr. Frodo. It's a scenic lookout. There's a well-paced ascension. I love it.

It's one of those things on the side of the highway. No one ever pulls over to actually utilize, but it's there. It's a scenic lookout. Oh, but this is fucking tough, I got to tell you. It's fucking, oh, it's hot up here. Sweat me tits off, Master Frodo. I got an ocean between my legs right now. I didn't think I was going to have to do this after all of our adventures.

I'm going to pop my shirt off. No, Sam. I don't want to see it. Don't look at me sweat. man titties, Mr. Frodo. It's a gut. Many men have them. Many golems and Frodoes. All of them have it. You've got to be understanding here. We're literally standing on top of lava, Mr. Frodo.

It's hot. But this is... There's a moment also when the eye of Sorin's about to get them, but then the distraction. I think that's the cutoff thing. That's a while ago. Yeah, but it's like, get down, Mr. Fur and they're hiding or whatever. That happens, too. It's kind of fun. And this is, you know, he's like, the weight, again, I can't do this.

I can't carry it or whatever. And this is, we're getting some. you know do you remember the shire eating strawberries with cream um don't talk about cream son i know it gets you excited please stop uh at least this is a it's a great uh froto thing where he's like no i don't recall that i can't recall the taste of food the sound of water the touch of grass like he's like i'm just a

fucking shell this thing has totally ruined me i can't carry it then let us be rid of it once and for all i can't carry it for you but i can't carry you and again the fucking tears were flowing in this house. If you're going to be a little bitch and I got literally, literally you're going to stop walking. If you're going to be a toddler where I need to pick you up

and put you under your goddamn shoulders I guess I will have to do that. I would just huck him into the lobby. Exactly. Ring it all. Yeah. So Sam's got him almost there up the staircase. Oh my fucking back! Oh fuck! Uh-oh, gollum attack. Yeah, here it comes.

And waiting for it. This big, big ass fight here, which is really great. On the ledge and whatever, they're fighting out. Like Margot Tanabam, he loses a finger. Which I was looking. Later on, later on, I didn't see that it was not there. Did a wood one like Marco. Tape it around.

You know we're making wooden appendages in the Shire. Of course, yeah. Absolutely. Wooden sex style. Yeah, there's no, you know, metal works. in the sire. The Benedetta collection. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, Ghalem, you know, choking him out.

You know, he's like a smigel promised. Smigel lied. Well, also, but doesn't Frodo at one point, right before this, actually, like, he's about to throw it in the ring, in the lava. He fails, which is a very important moment. Like, he's looking at the lava, and then he goes, no, Sam, I don't think I'll be doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He puts it on.

puts it on. And then that's when the fucking thing happens. That's the Gallum attack moment. Because Gollum's looking, he sees the footprints or whatever. So he's like, it's the effect of the computer Andy Circus fighting an invisible Elijah Wood is pretty sweet. It looks good. But again, this guy that everyone's going to be singing songs about, such a bitch couldn't walk up the steps alone. And at the last moment failed.

He failed at the last moment. Which is great. He's the man who shot at Liberty Vance. It wasn't really him. Wasn't really him. And then Gollum falls in ringing all, right? Yeah, he basically, he fights the finger off, gets the ring, and he's so happy for those last couple.

Just cuddling the little ring as the fucking, because he gets, he. It's Lippins-esque is what it is. Yeah, yeah. And he's, he's like, like he's, it feels like he's like getting covered with a blanket when the lava takes him. That's, that's, oh my fucking God.

Yes, he just is, there's no, there's nothing uttered. There's no screams of pain. He's just staring at it until he's completely. completely engulfed in lava. I wouldn't mind it, honestly, right now. I could take a nice little lava bath. Dude, I said the same thing on Letterbox. I was like, that swan dive looked pretty nice.

I'll tell you right now. A nice dramatic end, you know? Totally. Blaze of glory. But, you know, this, Frodo is hanging by the ledge here. Sam, you know, don't you let go. Reach, reach, Mr. Frodo.

And while that's happening, it's kind of funny because the ring has landed on, like, a hardened piece of rock that's, like, not all the way melted. so it's not actually destroyed yet and then finally you see that all break up around it and it just gently sinks in. Meanwhile the fight is going on but then once the dragons show up they're like well we can't do fucking shit.

Yeah, we're totally screwed. Miranda Otto's not here? Fuck. Exactly. She's the one who knows how to cut their heads off. Yes, and she does do that one head, the decapitation of one of them, that's awesome. Only one who figures it out. I do love, I mean, we didn't talk about it, but it's funny.

But the big speech there, you will be dead one day, but it is not this day. Vigo's going for the fucking fences here I love it The time of man will end But not this day Yeah no it's really And that what

The battle cry That like the one final push is For Frodo And then over the back What the fuck? What are we a distraction Tell me or are we a distraction or not Why are we all here again

Who is Frodo? Does anybody know? Did he just say freedom? Oh well for Rolos For Rolos We'll get some after the battle Yeah that'd be great Tob on the road

I like the Stewart better You know the Stewart would never use He would leave us to our own devices And out how to die I kind of like that idea So what he wants to kill his son Who doesn't? Come on now

The eye tower collapses here I love all this I love the panic in the eye It's so great And it's a cool It causes a big implaus a big implaus implosion where all the baddies go down to hell. That's what

happens. Ah, damn it. And you know a couple of good guys. Like, oh, my fucking fun, what now? It's like the poltergeist house. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Bad dream house. Yeah, so it's gone, it's done. Yes, Mr. Frodo, it's over now. Ending number one.

Right. Yeah. Wait, do we have to go through all these? You guys got enough few hours to listen? the eagles come in the middle of the battle first which I don't think isn't the theatrical I think the eagles are only at the end yeah they do fly in and they're helping out with the dragon's stuff yeah but yeah so it's like it's all over Sam you know basically this is the end of us uh I do love the Vietnam eagle shot

it's my favorite thing in the world yep he's just being carried in the talons and he ain't me it ain't me I ain't a fucking hobbit fortunate hobbit dude It's a good tune. Great tune. Credence Clearwater, that sounds like a shire place. Absolutely. Oh, Mr. Frodo, the summer's down by Creedence Clearwater. Oh, the revival, Frodo.

The revival. They built the town again. He's actually saying it right here when they're waiting for the Eagles. They think they're going to die. And he's like, and see the Shire, the Brandywine River, Bagan, Gandalf's fireworks, the lights and the party tree. And that pub at the end of the street, Willie and the Poor Boys.

Wonderful Hamburg. uh rosy cotton dancing you know if i think if i if i if i if i lived long enough i would have married her you know glad to be with wow sam you're straight oh oh what so you're the one okay okay well right congratulations looks like i've been barking up the wrong tree well i mean honestly then you have a hell of a story for rose she's gonna love this one right and when they get together i mean she looks identical to him right It's like

fucking Millhouse's parents Oh, you're right. Towards the end here, especially when it's sweaty, Elijah Wood's got a real Julian Casablancus thing going on with the mullet.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, absolutely. Glad to be with you, Samwise Gamji, here at the end of all things. Fuck, that's a good. Sad stuff, but here comes the Eagles,

the Vietnam shot. Yep, exactly. We wake up in a bed, everyone's giggling. Yep, we're in Gondor. I was fucking. bawling here. And in previous times of watching this, I've been either

like ambivalent or kind of like, that's corny, and I don't know if it's age, I don't know if it's recent events, whatever. I was fucking losing it. I was like friends, happy to see friends alive. Yeah, I'll cry over that, whatever. You know what I mean? Like, fuck it. Oh, sure. It's great.

You know, Gimli comes in, Legolas comes in here to Samwise, one of the last to kind of check in. You know, it's very, I mean, also very Wizard of Oz. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. That's right, yeah. And then all the jumping on the bed, stop roughhousing, he's sick. He's sick.

It's not a Marriott hotel room. Look, I told you, Tooks, that you could go in there and say hello, but no roughhousing, he's sick. Don't call me that. And then Gandalf crowns Aragorn, and it's like, what authority does this old stoner have, you know? Because, well, you know, I think it's a thing, right, where it's like, let's say, like, there's a wedding and somebody doesn't have someone to walk them down the aisle. They find a friend to do it instead. an old burnout. They go outside. They find

some dude, you know, busking for change. Right, yeah. Yeah. But I think it's that. It's kind of like, well, I don't know. John Noble, he ain't doing nothing. No. I guess he's magic. That helps. I'm the steward now. He brought the fucking ghost army. I think he gets it

for that alone. Live Tyler is back. We're kissy kissing. We're having a good time here. And like the crowd. And yes, everybody's bowing. And this part choked me up. The you bow to no one oh dude when they all start bowing

forget it I just want one person to say that to me if I just go up to someone oh no no no you bowed to no one but part of that would be you would have to

so who would you be bowing to are you going to a Japanese restaurant soon or I just you know I want to be I want to have the dignity of a hobbit once in my life no sir sir you bowed to no one

get out of this restaurant Yeah, they're like, stop making fun of our culture. You don't bow, oh, stop it. Well, I would be like, Mary and Pippet, you guys could bow, but actually, these two, I want to be really clear, these two hobbits. Sir, we have to do it whenever someone orders the eel roll.

Just what we do. I'm sorry. But so, the fourth age of Middle Earth began here. This is we, it's, it's, they say it's an 18 months round trip. Yes. This is the end of the movie. I mean, I like the rest of it, but this, you bow to no one.

The big ceremony, we're all here. Instead, we go back to the fucking shire and there's like some old boomer hobbit, like sweeping the stoop, giving them dirty looks. And that's why fucking Frodo is like, I'm not staying in my hometown. I'm not staying in my fucking hometown. It's been a minute and we've had a lot of stuff to do so I didn't rewatch all three of them. He is. I think that lady's at the beginning when they're going out.

Where to fuck you going? But it's a real like, oh, you know, good. I'm like, dude, I saved your ass. They don't know that. Kiss my asshole right now. They're not on Twitter. They don't know. Run them through with a sword to these people.

Fuck you. I am King Hobbit. That's the best part. So the next scene where this pub and big fucking pumpkin guy is like, dude, look at this pumpkin. I was like, oh shit, look at that pumpkin. I'm like, I just, I was in a fucking volcano. Yeah, but it's a big pumpkin.

Look at this big fucking pumpkin. Shut up, Frodo. It's the harvest. Dude, that's a bit, no, Frodo's telling some fucking stupid story. That fucking pumpkin is huge. Holy shit. Can I get a picture of that pumpkin? Get a picture.

Oh, draw that pumpkin. Can I get a sketch of that pumpkin, please? Okay, Frodo, you found a necklace and got rid of it. Who cares? Come on, the pumpkin. It is what's interesting, right? You know, obviously he writes his Lord of the Rings book, and that's like the tell-all. But it's kind of a great moment, right?

because, like, these guys, especially Marion Pippen, before this adventure, had they had some sort of story to tell them that way, you'd know that they would have been like on the table, fucking pontificating, leading the room. And it's really amazing that, like, there's no heroes welcome. Nobody knows what they did. And they're just sitting at the table before them, just having a beer at the pub. It's an interesting little moment.

Well, yeah, that is a big pumpkin. I mean, he's right. It's a big pumpkin. He wasn't wrong, but I also, we've been on the road for 18 months. months. I don't care. Well, you know what? Let me get up here. Let's get on the table. Do a little one for everybody. Even the kids eat for free at Manicotties.

Let's see. All of our beers are for Manicates. But Sam does a goodwill hunting here. He's going to go see about a girl. He certainly does. We cut to his wedding really quickly there. They're tying the knot. Can't do math for shit. Eric Gordon couldn't show up for this fucking wedding, dude. Like this guy, this is your boy.

That would show the rest of these hobbits to respect this guy. Oh, no. Mr. Frodo, we gotta move up to wedding. I go to her pregnant my accident. Well, yeah, that Erdogan has to get at least one of the eagles to bring him there. Because otherwise, it's a seven-month fucking trip. Exactly. To go to your fucking buddy's wedding, come out.

You bow to no one, Master Hobbit. But we are going to send you a nice silver set. That's all we can do. I mean, it's a bad time of year. Or, like, he shows up for the bachelor party. He's like, you kneel to know him, except her. Yeah. Let's get nasty at the bachelor party.

Here comes Gimley. Missy Elliott is playing for some reason. Just throwing buddy up. Oh, I'd love that. If that was one of the ending. That would be a good ending. Gimley and Legolas are counting lap dances. That counts us one.

Just because you had three women on your stupid elf lap. It's one lap dance. just because they're so small because they're hobbits. You just hear him mumbling to and say, Shupa, duper, right. Gimley's dressed

in the big garbage bag costume. The strip club, topless tukes. Me and Timberdan, me de Ickel. But yes, then we get Elijah Wood finishing the book here.

Yes. This is where, if you don't listen to it carefully, there's no title for it or anything. This jumps four years into the future, which is kind of weird,

but yeah, so he spends all that time finishing and I guess adding, really, because it's the same book, there and back again, the Bilbo Baggins tale, and then The Lord of the Rings was written by Frodo. Meanwhile,

two doors down the guys finishing his book, the world's biggest pumpkin. Bestseller, oh, yeah. And then the friends hollowed out the pumpkin, put it in the river,

and sailed away. You know what? I didn't think the 800 pages were just fly by like that. But my God, what a story. I mean, when he plants the seeds and he doesn't know how big the pumpkin's going to be.

Oh, it's just this masterful moment. But then it's sort of weird. The book sort of stops. The story stops right in the middle. And there's like a hundred pages on the business of pumpkin farming. Chapter after chapter about soil types. Just non-stop.

I've still never finished that book. Precisely because of that. But yeah, that's, you know, Bilbo. wants to see the ring one more time this is we're taking Bilbo to the boat here like everybody comes to say goodbye to Bilbo poor fucking Bilbo

like do you think I could see that ring just one more time I'd just like to see it one more time I was happy to give you a heart attack stop it yeah I was happy to see Ian Holm one more time not in fucking AI horse shit yep totally you know it's just it's an actor with makeup on it's nice it's totally fun you know he was live

and he decided to be in a movie and I like that yep exactly he gave the okay why should why should Why should the living get to pay? Why should they get to act? But yeah, so we go down there, and this is, it's a great moment. It's like, oh, you know, Bilbo, take it easy, man. Oh, and by the way, Sam wise and friends, I'm also getting on this boat, says Frodo.

And he basically says, look, I'm still, like, I can feel the ring-wraith sword. It still keeps me in constant pain. That and the fucking weight of carrying that thing for the better part of two years, yeah, I'm done. hanging it up. Elron is like, you should have really told us ahead of time. We don't have another cabin set up. I guess if you want to just sleep on the poop deck, that's fine. You're a small fellow.

I can understand that. That would work fine. Gandoff also going. My work now is finished. So he's killing himself too? Yeah, they're all magic is leaving. Oh, and then it becomes like this. Yeah. It comes regular. Yeah.

I can hardly take another homecoming. I know. I love rooting for the team and everything, but you see all these old faces. And it just pisses you off. I just can't hear the stories about the pumpkin. I mean, like, that guy is rubbing me the wrong way. They renamed the Shire Pumpkinbird. I can't do that. I can't.

I'm a thousands of years old wizard, and it took 60 seconds of the pumpkin story for me to accept my suicide. Flimsy, funny mouth won't stop. talking about the beer he brews in his home. Won't stop. Lipsy, funny, mouth. Yeah, so that it's a big goodbyes here. Gandalf, Great Line, definitely made me cry. I will not say, do not weep for not all tears are evil.

Great moment there. Everybody gets on the boat. They all fuck off. And then Samwise goes back to his house. He's got his wife. He's got two kids there. He's, you know, he's got his life. He's got a mailbox with a number on it.

Do you think Frodo's finally going to make a move on Gladriel on that boat? because she's on the boat now we're never dude you're going you're going off into eternity together now we're never I mean at your guys ages really it's more of a companion thing I can see it being just nice

you know your handholding you're watching your fucking TV together elf stories yeah yeah oh my elf stories are on including elf the holiday holiday special elf they're just watching oh this is offensive

but James Kahn was quite good there are so many tall elves why he's not a joke in this? My last question is who gets fucking Frodo and Bilbo's house? He's got to leave it to Sam. Sam's got it. It goes to the kids, I imagine.

But that's what I'm saying, though, is like Sam has another house here that they go into. That's the last shot of the door closed there. Is the door closing? But I wanted to be like, and Sam, you get the house. It's bigger, you've got the kids. Also, though, because he's going to,

he has to write the next part of this book, the most boring fucking section of it. will be him fucking talking about having his demon children and cooking fucking bread and greens. It's just a little domestic tale. Yeah, there's a soccer practice or whatever the fuck. Living with a bunch of pumpkin growers. Samwise Gamgee in the pumpkin orange minivan.

Yeah, you have to, you know, you use that house as your office. You go there and you're right. You're stupid. But that is the end of the Lord of the Rings, colon, the return of the king, extended edition. Go around the horn here for some quick final thoughts. Eric Siska. Yeah, I mean, it's great.

You know, and this is like, when you save the world in movies, take 11 hours to do it. You know, you can't do that in 90. You can't do that in two and a half. So I actually like the depth of these extended versions because I never watched the extended before until we started doing it for the show. Yeah. And they're quite good. I think the first is still my favorite. That irresistible call to adventure at the end I just love.

But this is still great. So, hey, check it out. Chris Kavanaugh. Yeah, I think it goes one, three, two for me. the first one is really just great and like I agree the extended it submerges me more in this world and that's what I want

and he takes I mean the thing is that Peter Jackson loves these books and it shows like he didn't shortcut anything yeah the things he took out he took out for very good reasons I think and like there's a couple scenes in this that I wish were in the theatrical cook but not many

yeah so I'm very happy great movie really great movie Stephen yeah I go one two three I think the first is such a great There's so many The introduction to all these characters The introduction of Aragorn's so cool All that great stuff

Two I think the Helms Deep is the best Battle of the bunch With all the rain and what have you And this one's great I mean they're all amazing It's a beautiful flawless trilogy I lean theatrical I like Eric

This is my first go around with all the extended I think especially for this one I just the urgency is a little less so I feel like Frodo gets lost for 20s of minutes where I'm like no but he's the point of the story and we're you know like there's just a lot going on other than that I really love it I mean it's just

I am glad to have watched the extended to watch Saraman get it to hell yeah there's a lot of cool stuff of this extended Bruce Spence especially so yeah it holds up it is the right way to do epic yeah yeah I'm not going to say anything different these are great they get better every time I watch them

the new ones suck All this fucking new stuff. It's like the last blockbusters that, like, were made from, like, an organic place. Yeah. It really does feel like that these days. Like, Matrix gets out of that, you know, Resurrection is a fantastic movie, I think. Yeah. But, like, very rarely are you ever going to get something that feels this organic, heartfelt, doesn't feel so overproduced.

And feeling the craft. Like, there's just craft here, capital C fucking craft. And it's amazing to behold, you know, if you've listened to whatever it turns out to be seven hours of us. talking about all three of these movies and you still haven't seen them i mean you got a really cool time ahead of you oh yeah is what i'll say but that's going to do it for this episode uh as always you can catch these shows ad free over on the patreon patreon patreon dot com slash we hate movies yes and real quick while i still have well we still have everyone's attention yes very good come see us this friday in seattle washington and washington hall will be doing a show on harry

and the henderson's the portland oregon show on that sunday has sold out but uh boston Boston, Massachusetts people, December 4th, come to Laugh, Boston. Watch us talk, pretty woman. Hell yeah, walking down the shy, pretty hobbit. On the Patreon, we're flipping things because we usually do, we love movies on Patreon, now we're doing a we hate movies episode on U.S. Marshalls.

That's right. As opposite as Return of the King as you could possibly get. In almost every way. And if you're listening to this Return of the King episode on the day it comes out on the Tuesday, that US at Marshall's episode is dropping this Thursday the 14th so catch that guy and of course you could go back and listen to the first two installments of the Lord of the Rings

which are on the Patreon absolutely and you also have we've got an animation damnation episode already out on the Duck Tales movie Treasure of the Lost Lab that's right yeah that's that's the good one there and then there was something else I was going to mention another Melro 210

of course coming out oh that's what it is of course again if you're listening to this on day comes out tomorrow Wednesday the 13th of this year month November we are finishing up the second season of too old for this shit yes with the eighth installment of our discussion here breaking down

everything and anything about the penguin right show oh hell yeah that's right for the top tier patrons only and also for the nexus this month we have a special engagement for you it is Star Trek for the voyage home full movie episode on the Patreon coming soon that's right

and we'll just say If this air, yeah, this air is before the Glee Ploxery comes out. Subject, redacted. Yes. So you'll have to go into the episode proper and actually find out who we're talking about. It's going to be a big surprise. Secrets. Secret character.

It's so, I love that you found this character. Oh, yeah. Hours of research. Oh, my God, painstaking. Looking through all the, be proud. Felt like I was growing a pumpkin. I took so long at it. But here on the Tuesday feed, the Tuesday show, which is normal.

we hate movies, but it's we love movies all month long. And that's no different next Tuesday, Steve, what's coming out? Well, get your sandals out, baby, because we're going gladiating. Gladiator. We're going to Gladiating. We're going to Gladiateon. It is... With apostrophe I should. Ridley Scott's Gladiator from the year

2000. Hell yeah. A movie that inspired these movies, for sure. There's definitely a little bit of gladiator. You can, yeah. Dust. There's a direct delineation. Mostly with like dust and dirt and grimes. Yes, yeah. All that stuff. So until next week, where we step back

into the arena. I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Zed. Eric Sisker. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.