We Hate Movies - S15 Ep771: The Santa Clause (Live in Jersey City)

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

“You’ve got ’til the 13th or fuck you!” - Steve on office holiday party scheduling Recorded live at White Eagle Hall in Jersey City, New Jersey - 12.07.23 On this week’s episode, we were LIVE in Jersey City to chat about the Tim Allen Christmas classic, The Santa Clause! Shouldn’t Tim Allen’s character hate Christmas before being possessed by the soul of Santa Claus? Why did they give Wendy Crewson Uma Thurman’s exact haircut from Pulp Fiction? How fantastic is Judge Reinhold in this, as always? And how difficult was it to work with Tim Allen on that Disney+ sequel show? PLUS: Steve has an eagle eye spying a fat foot double for Tim Allen!  The Santa Clause stars Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson, Eric Lloyd, David Krumholtz, and Peter Boyle as Mr. Whittle; directed by John Pasquin. Catch us TOMORROW NIGHT in Boston as we chat about Pretty Woman LIVE at Laugh Boston. It’s our final of the show year and it’s gonna be a wild one!  This episode is brought to you in part by Uncommon Goods! To get 15% off your next gift, go to UNCOMMON GOODS dot com slash WHM. That’s UNCOMMON GOODS dot com slash WHM, for 15% off! Don’t miss out on this limited time offer! Uncommon Goods. We’re all out of the ordinary. Make the WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your We Hate Movies merch-related needs this holiday season! Including new Ghostheads, Bus Movie, Night Vision & Too Old For This Shit designs!   Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hello, folks. Welcome to a We Hate Movies live episode release here. This is us talking about Tim Allen in the Santa Claus live in front of people. This is from last year. This was recorded December the 7th at the historic White Eagle Hall in Jersey City, New Jersey. I'm sure some of you were there. It was a great show. Excellent time. It was had by all, as far as I can tell. But we are here presenting this to you live because we were taking a week off. What with the Thanksgiving? of it all and the PNW travel of it all and yes including going up to Boston which if you're listening to this episode on the day it comes out we are playing just tomorrow night we are going to be in the great city of Boston at Laugh Boston

it's a great club we've played several times before we're going to be there talking about pretty woman live in the flesh it's the final live show of the year we want to see you all there you can still get tickets over at our website WHMpodcast dot com and also just really quickly because

I'm not going to appear at the end of this, by the way, this is it, it's only the intro. Just want to let you know that if you are listening to this also on the day it comes out, over on the Patreon on Thursday, December the 5th, we're dropping this month's We Love Movies episode all about Lethal Weapon 2,

so you want to make sure you're subscribed up for that, and next Tuesday we'll be back with an in-studio episode, continuing our holiday programming here, what with the Santa Claus kicking things off, we will be talking about the abhorrent. Christmas comedy, Deck the Hall, starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito.

That's coming up next Tuesday, the 10th. So stick around for that as well. But that's it. Enjoy us live in Jersey City talking about the Santa Claus. It's a ridiculous movie. It made for a great show. Enjoy it. That time, Christmas time is here

Everybody knows that's not a better time a year Here's that slave, Santa's on his way Took him parade for Christmas vacation Got a ton of stuff to celebrate Now we're getting closer I can't wait Going to make this holiday There's perfect destiny

Just waiting to see It's Christmas vacation This old house Sure is looking good He's doing it He's doing it! You're going to see a man bobbing on screen. Chris is playing your belly, I think.

That's his belly right now. Yeah, we should have gone ponchos because this stuff's going to come right back up, everybody. See, I couldn't chug it all at once because I wouldn't have any to share with my best buns up here. This old house, finally looking good. That is a very intense, like, soulful song. It's Christmas time.

It is, yeah. Hip, hip, hooray. Come on. Yeah, hip, hip, up, come on. Yeah, hip, hip, up, Christmas. Wow. Well, now we're tricking people to think we're talking about a good movie, but we're talking about Santa Claus.

No, we're not. But we are very happy to be here in Jersey City, home of Martha Stewart, Frank Sinatra, and Lester Beetlejuice Green, the most important. And currently, Stephen Fuck and Sadak. Hometown Hero! Yes, that's right. The big man over there. You may have seen me

smoking a cigarette on the street or looking confused. Isn't that great for all you? Jersey City, happy holidays. Hello, everyone. Happy first night of Hanukkah to all

our buds celebrating. Oh, you guys snuck out, huh? Cool. It's not fucking house arrest. But hey, hey, and some households. We're not going to tell. All right, I'm going to light this fucking candle

and go see that fat fucking podcast. And by the way, you can just close her eyes if this is too much. Yeah, to answer your question, yes. Last year, all four of us killed Santa Claus. Yes. Okay, we all killed him together, and this is the result. It's a timeshare situation.

We take it different parts of the year. I'm building a lot of toys. Oh, that's a cool idea. Like, what if a Leopold and Loeb situation happens? Two people ganked Santa Claus at the same time. Ooh. But you'd have to fit into the same suit, right? Oh, interesting.

Or maybe they merge into the same man. Oh, that's about as terrifying as it can get. It's almost as terrifying as the movie the Santa Claus. Probably about the same level of body horror, I would wage. Now, but if we, the four of us, inherited the responsibilities of Santa Claus. Sure. It's four of us so we can split up.

Who's doing what? Chris already said he's the toy maker. I'm a toy maker. I'm coal patrol. Oh, I like that. I got a big old shovel and I'm coming to your naughty house. I am the minister of laps.

What's that? Oh, boy. Okay. Wait a second. You want all the kids on your lap. Exactly, dude. I am Grand Central Station of Laps. Stephen, go for the throat's aid act.

I'd like to think I'd just pilot the sled or something That's what the reindeer do, right? Oh yeah, that's you're the face of it Well, I gotta be whipping them in one month Oh, hold on, that's what you like about it Santa does that and it's very cool Also, because my beard obviously is the closest to fucking Santa close room

I have to be the face of the operation The kids aren't gonna buy it otherwise You just go work on your balance Because that's a lot of roofs, buddy And we don't got that much rope It's a lot of roof It is How many of you have seen us live before?

Hello. I like that. Oh, there you are. Thank you for doing that. All right. Repeat customers. I like that. I like that.

Indeed. This is your love. This is your love. This is a comedy show where we take a movie like what you just saw up there and kind of just kick it around for a little bit. And sometimes if it's a movie that stars a guy like Tim Allen, most of the conversation will be dedicated to him. we do movies like this

we're actually not doing the Santa Claus and that we're doing for richer or poorer no no no way oh boy oh so we are doing RIPD, Kirstie Alley Yeah see that's the thing I can't be ragging on Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley in the same show man that's just I can't do that

Plus she's dead Yeah I mean not too hard It would be rude The Reaper is ragging on her now and all antivax this and that she's fucking dead so you know what I mean

like we close is all cases sometimes truth will out on that stuff there's no masks in the underworld so that's good just at the parties oh shit okay so here's the follow-up question here how many of y'all

saw this movie before we announced the show okay Yeah. Okay. Now, were any of you out there total fucking psychos, like me and my siblings, and this was on like rotation on VHS? Yeah. Real sick shit. Real sick shit, I got to say. That is tough. I love that this is a census. Who's over 35? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Who remembers most of the Clinton administration? No, this is good. No, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because sometimes we're on the road.

and, like, you don't know what the crowd's going to be. We'll be making jokes up here that's, like, perfect for all of us right now. Like, we've got a nice thing going here. But sometimes it'll be, like, cricket. I was born after the Internet. How long after? 17 years after the Internet. And we're just fucked from the jump.

So this is great. Thank you for showing up and being as old as we are. Yeah, and this is a podcast where we ask you questions and you cheer. And then we leave. That's right. And that's it. So keep cheering, and then we'll get out of here. No, the only reason I asked was because when I was watching this movie,

I had not seen it in ages. Like, surprisingly it fell out of rotation, you know, around the time I got my driver's license or some shit. But I'm watching it last night, and I realized my brain, even through the weed, even through, just cutting right through the cannabis, was saying every line accurately

right before they happened. Oh, yeah. I was terrified. I almost called the ambulance. I mean, I was just, like, that was in the trailer. That was in the trailer. That was in the trailer. Absolutely.

That was in the trailer. No, that I was doing. But, I mean, also, like, the lines, all of Tim Allen, Scott Calvin is just a sarcastic bitch throughout this entire movie. Absolutely. And you know what's great to watch a protagonist for 97 minutes just be gross and sarcastic? And even when he's Santa Claus. The guy is professionally Santa Claus, and he's a sarcastic bitch the whole time.

It has to be. That's how he exists in the world. I do love that this movie dares to ask the question. What if that jolly old Satanic, you know, the benevolent creature from your childhood and the Coca-Cola commercials, what if he was the result of an average man being besieged by dark magic? This is crazy. It's a great question. It's a great question.

Irrevocably changed by dark magic that he cannot control. But Steve, isn't this like Green Lantern rules here? Yes. You must love that. That's kind of true. But at least you don't become fat when you become the Green Lantern. You can just kind of. haven't made me the green lantern

yet. Listen, I've seen some of those lantern core, we're on another planet. It's like, sure, maybe your Hal Jordans were physically fit, but some of those other intergalactic space cops are really fat. They're thick. They've done the muscle work at least. They're not

just flabbing about. But we're just body shaming old Marvel comics. Yeah. Sorry. Like Kiloog for example? Oh, yeah, right? I was trying to test the audience, and I'm alone. What did you say? I have a Killer log? Killawag. He's a big pink dude.

I believe Michael... Where's your Killawag tattoo? Where was it? Who has it? Because that guy who had a big throat, he... Yeah! There's a possibility of a tattoo on your ass of Killoward. That might actually be him. He's here. Oh, dude, Killawog was coming. We should have come to.

That man has a child named Killawog. Oh, yeah, dude. Killawog Johnson. I love it. Oh, Killawog Johnson. Dude, I like that. Yeah, bend over and I'll show you. So this is the early 90s, so of course we have to start in... Even though this movie has nothing to do with corporate culture, we have to do the corporate culture thing.

Yep. Just to let you know that this man is a businessman, and he makes money. Well, yeah, and he also, he rules the office with an iron fist. Because it's him, and a lady's partner, they're asked up to... Peter Boyle, asked him, thank God. Peter Boyle. He gets the hammer in the credits, thank God. Yes.

He asked him up. thank you for making the do-it-all-dolly I believe it is called. Yeah, the do-it-all dolly. Thank you. And they get like, this lady gets a sentence out before I was like, all right, shut the fuck out.

All right, now let the big man talk here and let me tell you, Calvin Johnson, you are lucky you're fucking your secretary. I wish I was doing that too. I'd see him, see him doing it? Dude, if there was any doubt that this dude was going to cut that woman off during the thank you

speech. You don't know Tim Allen none. Well, because that's the thing. He comes up with a woman of color. You're like, oh, that's pretty... Oh, no. Uh-oh. Yeah, all right. Because you see that dude, and then you can easily back-project the working relationship on this doll project the whole time. And that woman is thankful

it's over with. It's out in fucking stores. I don't have to have another meeting with Tim Allen about this shit. What a horrible experience it must have been. Thank you for Scott and Susan. By the skin of their teeth, this came out. And, I mean, it's your It's your classic movie move where we're having our holiday party,

our company holiday party, on Christmas Eve. In which case, zero people are attending. Yep. That's right. You've got till the 13th or fuck off. That's how that shit works. I got to do another poll. I'm sorry, but anybody work for a sick fuck out there that has your Christmas party on Christmas

Eve? Anybody? No way. Wait, dude right in the front. What do you do? Oh. Well, that makes sense. That's so fucked up.

A cursed place anyway. Yeah, you fucking do it, Killawag. You should have brought all your co-workers here. Yes. What is this? Can we leave? Oh, you took the whole office? That's expensive.

That would be amazing. But you're right, though. It's such a rude thing, and no one would be there, and this place is packed. And Tim Allen's like, oh, thank God our fucking families aren't here. I know you're a divorce dude but not everyone in the office has a miserable life like you. What is great about this movie is

one of those pinnacles of divorce dad cinema where it's like you see that divorced dad over there at the Denny's? Yeah he might be fucking Santa Claus okay so you show him for fucking respect you show him respect he might be Santa Claus

I might be Santa Claus thank you for your service potential Santa where's your beard it doesn't matter thank you Yeah, I mean, also, like, yeah, and everyone's getting drunk and hooking up, like, who wants to have a drunk hookup on Christmas Eve? Sad City. It's super sad, but you have to, this is what's even sad to me, is that clearly Tim Allen was expecting to hook up with someone there.

He had it in his mind because he's leaving late to get back home to see his kid, and he's on the phone and be like, oh, there's traffic all the way back he did. Oh, you're listening to the radio? Yeah, it just came out of nowhere. All the traffic just came out of nowhere. Okay, I'll be home soon. Sorry, sorry. I didn't get laid. I think he was sort of like time in it,

and he's like, all right, let's see. Linda's still here. It takes me 20 minutes to drive home, maybe. All right, I've got to pick up this sheet-eaten kid. All right, I'm going to get 15 more minutes. I'm going to see if Linda makes him moving 15 more. Oh, she's leaving with Daryl. Okay.

Fuck. All right. Got to start working on my lie to the family. Just right now, just start jotting down ideas. Car trouble. I mean, it is amazing

watching him just like freewheel these fucking lies on the phone in like real time. It's an evil man. It's also incredible. So he gets home and Wendy Cruson and Judge Reinhold Wendy Cruson's ex-wife

with a very aggressive haircut in this film. Dude, she looks exactly like Uma Thurman and Pulp Fiction. It is the Uma-Thirman haircut and later in the movie, she's dressed exactly like Uma when she goes out on the date with Travolta.

Either that or Natalie Portman and the professional, both same haircut. Same haircut? Shockingly different circumstances. Treated more like the character from the professional, generally speaking, I will say. It's a thing where, like, you dumped Tim Allen, you're like, let's fucking chop it all off, man.

I'm going for Judge Reinhold. That's my dream guy right there. O'Neill, he's adorable. Love this Judge Reinhold. Also, I guarantee you, Judge Reinhold's hung like a fucking horse. I guarantee it. Guarantee that guy's got a hammer. You absolutely have one, dude,

because that's the only way you confidently wears sweaters like that. Absolutely. It's also the only way that you would own a product from the Oscar Meyer Corporation. And Tim Allen's got a great burn with those sweaters. He's like, yeah, you get those sweaters at the circus or zoo. We need wins.

He does not have a weenie whistle. He's got a hammer down there. He's got a huge fucking hammer. Huge fucking rod. Otherwise, you don't dress like a yarn barn exploded. Sometimes it's a nice feel. You know, you're comfy. I don't know.

So, like, you know, he rushes in. And the weird thing is, again, I would love to know what time it is because he's planning on cooking a turkey. It looks like it's midnight outside. Yeah, dude, you cannot start a turkey at 7 p.m. Post-boosy Christmas party, it's at least 10. Were you going? No, that's it.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's one of those things where, like, because he's so intent on making this dinner for his son, and there's, like, a Christmas tree, and the house is kind of decorated. I'm like, no, no, no. This kind of protagonist, before being, like, possessed by the Santa demon, like, has to hate Christmas. That has to be the thing.

Like, yeah, you're staying at my house tonight. It's the total divorced dead thing. You stay at my house. I kind of don't want you there. Christmas is for babies, the trees at your mother's house. But he's decked to the nines. He wants to make this meal. Well, this is, we know why this is, don't we?

It's because Judge Reinhold has said that Santa doesn't exist. So the opposite must be his personality. It just has to be. Right. And where does he get off telling him that there's no Santa Claus, this, that, and the other thing? And is this around the time where she's like, there's a cut, there's a deleted scene out of this movie?

Would you believe that Disney is going back? and retroactively cutting things out of their own films? Can you even believe it? Not my, Bobby Eiger. He wouldn't do that. The mother is leaving a phone number for where to reach them at Neal's parents' house.

Right, yeah. He's outside, by the way, laying on this horn. Now, here's the thing. Like, Judge, I love you, baby. And I'm on your side with this, right? Like, you are late to your parents for Christmas. I'm sure the shitstorms, from the mother, whatever, it's going to be awful.

But laying on the horn while you're lady friends in, so you piece of shit. It's shitty. But it is in the Judge Reinhold tradition, it is because he has to be big-dicked. In every situation in a movie, Beverly Hills cop, more friendly big-dicking, but a big-dicking

nonetheless. All three motion pictures getting dicked down for two hours. Here, it has to be clear, like Wendy Cruson clearly prefers Judge Reinhold, but Tim Allen's the alpha. When he says, come into my house, goes in the house and Judge Reinhold's like, come out, please.

Come out, please. That's why he's so confident in these roles. He's like, I've got a fucking foot down there, man. Don't worry. Oh, Tim Allen, you could win this argument, but I know what you got and I know what I got. Speaking of having feet and maybe getting footsie with them, this deleted scene, this number.

Oh, right. Oh, yes, please. He glances at the phone number and this is now, this is not on Disney Plus anymore. They removed this from the film. Terrorists. He says, he looks at it and goes, 1-800 spank me

I know that number turns out that was a real phone number guys and turns out I mean Disney said we're going to take it out of the movie we're going to buy that phone number and we're going to disconnect it because apparently some kids racked up a bunch of money on this

because that's what happens some kid in Washington ran up $400 in 1990 money which when I did the math is $200,000 and what would What would you know it?

I checked today and that phone number is still operational. No. And I thought maybe you guys would like to hear what's going on. Oh, shit. So, let's, okay, here we go. Here we go. Ooh, um, so glad you called you call. I can't wait to taste you over and over again.

What is happening? Is she having sex with a computer? Did I just hear Tim Allen's voice on that? I'm hearing a lot of lip-smacking. There's a lot of, like, she's trying to, like, lick everything off of your body talk here. Oh, sure. And we're going to need a credit card to continue.

So, front row, throw one up. So we start right in the middle. Get right to the action, I guess, is the idea. Of course. yousa I'm going to call that at home I was going to say

for private I think private use mostly I want to let everyone know how to have some fun but I'm curious though like for who in 2023

is that still connected I mean I think that the fans are dying out but I think they still exist look yeah look young gentlemen still just you know they don't have the arm strength yet to actually spank. So they want to talk about

spanking. So they get on there and they get it out of their system. I admire this analog pornographer because Disney's like, we're going to buy it from you and he's like, no. No. One hundred spank me will be in service for fucking ever. Yeah, it's like the one last

house in front of the freeway plan. I ain't selling no way, no how. I would love it. If Disney did buy one-800 spank me and it became like an ad for the big red boat, you know what I mean? But someone out there

said to a Disney lawyer no. Or like more, more money. I would like to meet that person. What I don't want to do is go to a fucking Denny's. Which, like, and this, I mean, clearly it's, I mean, it's just a big

huge product placement, which there is quite a lot of in this movie. Sure. But it's of course, like, we have to fit it. I don't it was 94. I guess we were still there. They are. We had to kick in a little Japanese joke, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Just a little bit in there. Just get it right in there.

They're going to take over everything. They're going to take over. They're at Denny's when I want to be there. When I want to be. So I had a curiosity. Who in the audience had a sad, divorced Christmas? Ooh. A couple people out there, yep.

Uh-huh. The first time, I mean, my parents got divorced from there was six. And I was the youngest. youngest and we went to my dad's for Christmas Eve. That was always kind of the deal. Dad on Christmas Eve mom for Christmas and he decided to cook and he could never

cook and he made ham and we're eating the ham and it's like oh and everyone's kind of enjoying the ham. Was everyone as nervous as you were just like, oh fuck dad's doing what? Yes. She's trying to what? We're not just calling Popeyes.

And I think some like my sister's like oh this is really good dad what did you do? He's like well you know actually You know what I did? I basted it in Pepsi. And the second he said Pepsi, I threw up everywhere. And I'm sure like that's like nerves and whatever else. Sure.

But it was just that was that Christmas. That's rough, man. Yeah, uh-huh. The worst I had it was my folks were like split for a fashion and we had to do like first Christmas at Dad's apartment. Uh-huh. Oh, a Dad apartment. Is that not a thing of sadness?

just an oak-covered wood-paneled temple to sadness. Oh my God, did he put that in? Yeah, I need some sadness panelling. I'm divorced. We're going to need some paneling in here. Just a little bit. I'm shocked by that. I mean, everybody knows you're supposed to do it with Jolt Cola.

Yes. It's not a Pepsi. That's disgusting. Then the kids are going to stay up and Santa can't get down there and put all the presents. Or like the Panera lemonade, they just all have heart attacks. Right. Dude, what's going on with that? Lemonade. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? Two people are confirmed dead. We have two people confirmed dead. Because they drank Panera ultra-caffeinated lemonade. Oh, my God. Okay, now we're becoming a true crime podcast. Let's talk about how they, how dumb they are and dead they are. Because it's the Panera bread. Don't eat there. Yeah, they're all Santas now.

Did they, like, how did they die? It was a heart thing? Yeah, heart attack, and then they're like laying on the ground, writhering around. I don't know about that part, there. I'm trying to be a true crime podcast. I know. One guy had three heart attacks, sir?

No, I think three of the lemonade. Three lemonade. Well, see, okay, okay, now hang on a second. Now it's his fucking fault, all right? You have three of these things that come with a skull and crossbones on the cup. That's your problem. don't blame the good folks at Panera Bread.

They're getting the pirate symbol. Eventually they'll get there. No one is trying to like study for exams and then fucking crushing lemonade to stay awake. No one expects that. Yeah, it doesn't need to exist, first of all. So what happened in your sad divorce? Oh dude. I would, dude my fucking kingdom for a soda-based hand. Bad Chinese food and a television broadcast not even a tape of Ernest

saves Christmas. And then it was, the three of you go to sleep and you're getting dropped off in the morning. So did he save it that year or no? I don't think so. He saved the Christmas in the movie. Ernest did not come down the chimney in my dad's

apartment. No, well that's sad. I mean, did he tape that version of it? They at least have some forethought to be like, look, the kids like this shit. I'm going to put out. No, no, no, no. We lucked out that it was on. Okay, well there. Oh, Andy.

But, yeah, so he, like, again, starts this turkey at, like, I don't even know, like, fucking nine o'clock at night. It burns, and because it's Tim Allen, we got to be like, you got to have a fire extinguisher right near your stove, and people are like, Home Improvement, I saw that. Yeah. Which is, it's funny because it's two-fold, right?

Like, it's true. You should have a fire extinguisherer's in the kitchen, but also, rough, rough, rough. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly, we're having fun. And he winds up taking him to Denny, and yeah they go by like a large group of Japanese people

which is like whatever and then because he says he says the kid it's Denny's an American institution and if you can even believe it Japanese businessmen are at this Denny's They're taking away the eating spaces of good God-fearing divorced fathers and then

the rogue's gallery of losers bringing their children there remember don't laugh too hard at these folks one of them might be Santa Claus or Batman Who the fuck knows? It is so sad. I love it.

Dude, and what happens here is like they walk in and it's like ha ha ha, Japanese company is like having a dinner here. And the waitress says like, oh, are you with the whatever corporation? And he goes, no. And the kid, the shitty, shitty kid,

goes, he buying the turkey. To which this lady is like, oh, right this way. Let me take you to the loser dad room. It's cut off from the rest of the dining room in the back by the kitchen door filled with the saddest shit this side of fucking Ebenezer Scrooge's grave. Also, that the divorced father section isn't also the smoking section?

Yeah, good point. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me personally. Now, Chris, I know that you said like, oh, it's just blatant product placement, you know, whatever, sure. But the joke still stands, Denny's equals loser's shit on Christmas season. True. I got to give it to him on that. So that's like Denny's being like, oh, we'd love to be in your movie. Oh, how are we being used?

Yeah, that's fine. Well, yeah, they should have, like, gotten some divorced dishes for this rollout. Oh, nice, yeah. The Santa Claus stuff, but also divorce-themed food. Divorce-themed food, it's all served cold, just like a divorced dad would do probably. The Splitsville pea soup. I see what you're saying. When you said divorced dishes, I was like, oh, the fork and spoon are no longer talking.

They have been having problems. They don't get along at all. The Salisbury steak, but in parentheses, it just says, is you living there now? Like the Sadsbury steak, dude. That's it. Yeah, thank you. So, and this son, this kid, what is Charlie?

Charlie. This kid is way too small and way too eerie to be in a movie. I am sorry. I'm sorry. They have him in most of the... I can't recall the third one, but they have him in the first two ones. There is a eight-year pause

between this one and the second one. Sure. Nuts. But I think he's in all of them, and he's in the new TV show, of course. Oh, the new TV show. Well, anyone and everyone who was associated came crawling back for that shit.

I don't know why I said new. It's coming up on season three is about to happen. Really? Yeah. No, I think two just finished. Two just finished, but they already renewed it for the third one. Look at this fucking Santa Claus' super fan here. All the production updates.

I told you to get the Tim Allen newsletter and you said no. We're waiting for your book to come out on him. Isn't Peyton Manning involved in that somehow or shape for him? He interviews to be a... The whole thing in the first season because some of us did watch the first episode

just to see. He's like looking to maybe get out of the game and so they're like interviewing potential new Santa's and it's like... He plays himself? Yes. Ho, ho, ho is on your sound. I fell off the fucking roof

I can barely fucking act Um He actually um That guy's way too eerie as well Get that guy out of here You can't have a Santa Claus That's that tall dude We just we just have some news from

Casey Wilson apparently Was spilling I don't know if anyone read this this morning Breaking news ladies and gentlemen I had some set reports from this show Right she's in the pilot episode She plays Sarah as an adult, the little girl that gives him, who's like

the business. Wow. Look at all these people you just hooked under checking out this show. That wave of awe that just floated up here? Oh yeah. Wait, because of the scene in question, right, she's like a millennial so she's still at home with the parents

of course and he comes down the fucking fake chimney. Yes. And then this terror occurs. Well, she said it was truly the worst experience she's ever had with a co-star. Tim Allen was such a bitch, she says. Basically, they did one take,

and so I'm in a scene, it's just me and Tim Allen, and I'm supposed to be throwing things at him. I think he's a burglar, so he's coming down the chimney, and obviously as Santa, and I'm woken up, things that intruder, basically a home invasion scene. So I'm throwing things at him. He goes over to the producer who's standing four feet from me and goes, and I hear him, and he says, you've got to tell her to stop stepping on my lines. Now, just really quickly

to interject, having seen the scene the lines are things like whoa, hey, what are you doing? Don't throw that. Lines to be stepped on. Not like he's trying to monologue and she's chucking shit at him. And it's one scene.

And the producer goes one foot away from her and has to be like, um, uh, Tim would like to ask you to stop stepping on his lines. Tim the Santa Claus Allen would like you to everybody's walking on eggshells around him and everybody just looked frantic and at the end Tim Allen instead of saying all right thank us

just goes leaving and grabs his Santa Cabe drops to the floor and walks out honestly I like that part that's kind of king shit right leaving throw your fucking stand of garbage on the floor well because you know he wants to get in

on all of like the Disney bashing but like it's his one paycheck Well, I mean, not one, I guess Last Man Standing is maybe still happening. And he's got that Toy Story money. Well, they took light year away for them, right? Oh, of course. Well, that's, you know, man, Tom Hanks has to live in fear every time he picks up the phone

and be like, because you just know at least once a year, it's like, hey Tom, it's Tim. You know, I was talking to Alice Simbin over at Disney and she said, yeah, maybe we'll do a Toy Story 5, who knows? I think that's a yes. I think if we put pressure together, Tom, and hang up.

Yeah, you know what? Please don't do that. But no, I mean, it's just, as my wife pointed out, yesterday we were talking about the story, like, the worst co-stars she's ever had. This is a woman that was on fucking Saturday Live. Yeah, that's true. Good God, the people that come through that place. So it's a sad, divorced, dead.

Yeah, we'll take it from here, pal. A sad Divorced at Christmas We drive home He puts the kid to bed With twas a night before Christmas There's some cute And the kid is disgusting

It's just like You would have had better luck casting a Muppet Yeah Just get a fucking puppet in there dude It looks like a little doll That came to life or something It does

You're right He does look like a little sentient doll It looks disgusting I can explain this a little bit This is the kid who also So he was in Dunstan Chexson, of course. He's a little ship, right. Dude, I guarantee you that ape was more professional than Tim Allen.

It absolutely was. But this kid, I think, has just learned to, he just talks to everybody like they're an ape. Yeah, okay. Everybody's a monkey. Tim Allen's a monkey. Got it. And Wendy Crucson's a monkey and just, you know, here, here's a banana. He goes, he goes, like, the kid, he does the 9-4-crestles, all to the house, da-da-da-da-da.

He's kind of like trying to sneak out. He's done with this rotten kid. He's like, God damn, when is the mother coming? And he's like, Dad, what's a clatter? It's like, you know what the fuck we will. You're just trying to be cute right now. He's so not ready to answer this kid's questions. And like, it just goes on for a while and then blissfully ends.

And the kid's like, you know, dad, maybe we should leave out some milk and cookies just in case. And here's the thing. Instead of being like a parent who cares about their child and just needs them to go to bed and it's like, oh yeah, I'll definitely do that. Don't worry about it. This fucking douchebag leaves this kid. The final words on Christmas Eve, yeah, I guess I'll go pre-heat the oven.

Thanks for yet another sarcastic barb. Good night, son. Fuck you, and I'll see you tomorrow. I'll fuck you very much, too. And in the night, Tim Allen and his creamy thighs, by the way. Oh, my God. Anybody else got to look at these?

This guy, it's like so close to hanging brain in a Disney movie. You're looking at like the seam on these jockey shorts and you're like, hold it. Hold it. Is that Santa's sack? Give it to me. He's got toys in it. If it was Judge Reinhold, you'd be able to see everything. Oh, that guy's got a sleeping sweatpants.

Dude. A grandfather clock ticking. That said he is, man. No, yeah, I'm waiting for Mr. Skin to do a frame-by-framer of this so I can get a good look at, at least the head. I mean, you're cutting out the sex line in this movie? Cut out that shit. Yeah.

That'll mess with kids' brains. They hear, the little kid hears a noise on the roof. He grabs the dad. It's like, I think something's going on. And they go outside, and he murders Santa Claus. Yes. Just a swift kill, I have to say. And what is the deal with that?

Like, the elves don't protect Santa at all. It's just like you can just fucking shiv him and take his clothes. And they're like, I guess I got a new boss today. As we know, they don't, it's a joke that runs too thing. They don't really think about roofs too much. Roofs are really their blind spot when it comes to.

That's all he does. Yes, you would think. It's mostly chimneys they focus on, though. But it's the only place he parks the sleigh. Where are chimneys, Chris? Well, look, I just got hired as the North Paul Publicity Department. And I'm saying it's

fine. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Fair enough. They said originally the idea was that Tim Allen thought the original script for Santa Claus was apparently super dark. He said he shot Santa Claus in the original, with a shotgun

in the original script. Yes, because when the Santa also falls off this roof, I need blood spurting out of them. Something. Show me that this guy's down for the count and a shotgun would. Yeah, I need some red stuff coming out. He's a mist. Oh, yeah, dude. At least. I mean, this is, I mean, I forget if it's like even a burglar or whatever, Tim Allen.

Like, this is a human being that ate shit off your roof. This guy's probably got his spine broken in three places. And he's just like, hey, buddy. Hey, uh, hey, buddy. Get inside and call the ambulance. A man fell on Christmas. And, I mean, like, you're like, okay, I guess we think it's a burglar. He does.

He's like, I'm just going to check you for ID here. Which is... I mean... This is all buying time so we can figure out some way, some way to blame this on Judge Reinhold. Yep. There's got to be a reason out there,

but he doesn't got it. I just don't understand what finding the guy's ID is going to do. No, what it does is he grabs the card and he reads it aloud, which then binds him for all time to become Santa Claus. Chilling shit, dude.

It's much like Wishmaster. It is like Wishmaster. A little bit like Wishmaster. Oh, Tim. Tim Allen, you dared knock one of my disciples off the roof. Well, guess what? Now you are the one who is the claws. Oh, you'd like to be closer to children, do you, Tim Allen?

I have an idea. What if you're morbidly obese and can't live anywhere but the North Pole? Oh, you want me to put Judge Reinhold's head up his own ass? I've actually already done that before. It's not as good as you think. Was that Wishmaster, too? Yes, it is. Because the suit, the card is like, something, something.

If found dead, please put on this man's clothes. Yes. Yeah, put on the suit and the reindeer will know what to do. That is some serial killer shit, right? You murder a man, and then you start wearing his clothes and be like, oh, I am him. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, did you become him? You'd steal his essence?

I also, like, if I'm the Santa Claus himself, I'm throwing that card away. Fuck you. Yeah. I don't need instructions for what my murderer gets to do. You just take a zippo to it when you get it right, fuck it. I think Krumholtz is like sneaking it in the pocket. He would have to. But he does something, something that he evaporates like Obi-Wan Kenobi off-screen.

Dude, and this is the most chilling part of the film. Because it's like, first of all, you never like see this guy's face which is like the Santa's like covered in snow or whatever but he fucking before he vanishes they're like looking up like oh what's on the roof or whatever they cut to this shot this because the hand falls and it's like this and then Santa's

waving good by this hand is just waving before it vanishes but you know why because he just did a 6,000 year sentence because this guy was just like an old farmer that's like oh I just found a dead man I better put on his clothes oh no my life is ruined but this could also

I guess I won't be able to see my children grow up. It might also be like just twitching, the nerves twitching as the white. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, I feel very loud. Should I try the sex line again now that we're louder? Please do not. There we go. Okay, I'll do that.

This time you've got to interact with it at least. See me in the parking lot if you want to hear that. But yeah, after a lot of Tim Allen business, he does get in the suit, and he does get in the sleigh. And we're off to Santa Clausing, right? Well, you're cutting out all the farting. All the beautiful reindeer farts. Yes, the reindeer fart. Later, Tim Allen farts.

It's great cinema. It's a part of the Santa Claus you see. It's your farting all the time. It's stunning, though, Chris, because I took an official count. It's only two fart jokes in this movie. I couldn't believe it. I guarantee you it's tripled in the next movie. It better be six farts.

Them sequel rules. Well, that's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem here. You can't, can there be a sarcastic fart? Probably not. So that's probably why they avoid them. You can't do that.

He doesn't have the capability. I can't think of that either. I do love the reindeer sound like the monster from Ernest Scared Stupid a little bit. And I don't know what, has anyone spent time with the reindeer? There's apparently trivia out there that this is the voice of demons from the video game Doom. That makes sense.

What? It sounds like it. Right? Amazon X-ray told me that it was fucking Frank Welker. Wait, what is it? Wait, what the... Is that a... Do I hear a shotgun going off?

Is it a comet? No. The thing is, I have no idea if that's true. It's probably Frank Welker. There's IMD terrorists. Putting up God knows what in there. But you're right, it is weird because there's like a close-up on one of the reindeer.

Like Tim Allen says something. Then this reindeer's like, you are in the demon's house. I was like, oh, alright. Remember, folks, the demons from Doom, right? They come from Mars or something shit? Yes, they do. The red planet? Where do you think Santa's from? That makes sense.

Ooh, he has some real conspiracy shit here, dude. Jeez, Charlie, what's this? The BFG, eh? Because remember, Santa Claus conquered the Martians. Don't forget. Oh, right, I forgot that. A real hero clause. He moved the fuck in, you know? But the weird thing about Tim Allen, and I mean, like, for an hour and 21 minutes of this movie,

keeps not believing that he's becoming Santa Claus. He refuses. The second that a reindeer flies and takes me from one house to another, well, I guess I might be Santa Claus. I didn't believe in Santa Claus before, but a fucking reindeer just flew me from one house to another. And that's where he finally does put on the suit

in order to go down the chimney. And in this sequence, this homeowner, I love this guy. The dogs are attacking. him, and then you hear stray gunshots, just loose random gunshots in your house. Just firing at the walls this guy. That guy was standing his ground, man. Good for him.

It's an American hero. You should shoot weird. If there's a noise in your house, just start shooting the walls. Exactly. As Tim Allen's leaving, thank you, Patriot. Now, it should be surprising to no one that the special effects in this movie are terrible. Oh, yeah, the CG looks like shit.

Oh, it's all, like, him going into the chimney is unsettling, it's terrible, and for some reason, when they were making this new dumb show, they were like, you know what the fans loved? How shitty it looks when you go down a chimney. Let's keep it exactly the same fucking 30 years later. Bring it back, baby. When you become Santa Claus, do your bones become, like, mice? Like, could you just go underneath a doorway?

Oh, yes, dude. You can, like, you dislocate shoulders, it doesn't hurt, you know? suck your own dick without a problem any old thing I know what he's doing all the other days of the year what we only got to work again Scott what are you doing just being a puddle

just hanging out being a puddle love it it's so nice I'm on the floor but yeah he has the first one then the second one is the little girl who is he's so sarcastic to it's awful he's terrible it's stunning that like at the end of the movie he goes back to that house like the next year

And this girl's, like, still into it. I'd be like, that guy was a douchebag to me. Absolutely, never again with Santa Claus. Santa Claus is watching his saturated fats, you dumb bitch. Go to sleep. And she's like, I'm seven. Well, you know, maybe in Tim Allen's defense in that scene with Casey Wilson, he was bringing that energy again.

Oh, that huge asshole energy. That's how he treated the kid, the character. He's a little method with his Santa Claus. I see, like Daniel DeLewis playing the Santa Claus. I mean, he has said that he doesn't like children. He just flat out said that. It's funny that he was. Who, Daniel DeLewis?

Also, yes. Are you referring to Tim Allen? Tim Allen has said that very loud. Seems like a weird racket to devote your entire career to this. Yeah. A little weird. Yeah. I agree.

Yeah. I also agree. He winds up, you know, he's doing his Santa Claus thing. One of the things that happens is on the sled, Charlie just every time the bag empties it refills that's a cool little we're doing cool little Santa Claus lore here it's kind of cool when we pulls the kayak out

it's a fun visual that's actually a good effect I don't know why they kept fucking up this chimney thing what freaks me out is when Charlie is found in the back seat of the sled with a puppy and it's like who birthed this thing like what yeah the bag

is there a dog breeding thing or is this like a soulless gollum of a puppy. That is just like, it is not manufactured by little children known as elves. Got it, okay. Yeah, like, are they putting these things together at the North Pole? Like, what is happening?

There's like a cloning facility, you know? They get samples every year. Don't forget to bring back dog samples. We need cats, mice. We need all the animals, frankly. That's why we sent you to that Rottweiler house to bring back a sample. Oh, well, I guess, oh, wow, little Susie wants her

old sad, her dead father back. Guess we'll do it. All right, David Krumholtz, now we're forming the North Pole Necromancy Society. No, no, she just said she wanted her dead father back. Just pull out this corpse from the bag and throw it under the tree. I'm the most literal center of all.

You want your dead father back, do you? Well, here he is. Oh, God, I have to hire a necromancer right before the holidays? Fuck me. That's impossible to get one at that time of year. After the 14th, those guys just turn their phones right off. After Thanksgiving, they come home and they're, fuck it.

So it's crazy that we take like this long to get this, but so it's like the end of the night, and he's like, oh, take us home. It's kind of a tease because it very much feels like the end of the movie. He's like, and to Merry Christmas, do all, and to all a good night. Ro, raw, raw. And it's like, man, it took so long to get that Tim Allen Bark, but here it is. And man, the movie keeps going, which is unfortunate.

He's literally, like, riding the sleigh into the sunset. You're like, oh, it's over. Well, there was some guy, like, just like, I guess, I guess we have to leave. He hasn't said it yet. It's been 20 minutes. I mean, I wanted to hear the ape noise, and he didn't say it yet. Is JTT in this? He's supposed to be, right?

Why didn't he call the roof of rough, rough, rough? By the way, up in this sled, by the way, they go. Like, he just yells, let's go, and it goes. And the kid, of course, is like, wee! Instead of, God! Yep. Oh, God!

Yep. He should be terrified at least for a little bit. You're speeding through the air. You'd have trouble reading. That dog is gonna fucking fall out at some point. Good, it's an evil ungodly creation. That puppy is not natural. Yes.

A simulator for the sleighs, you know those small airplanes, like a set in there or something? Yeah. Take a ride on one of those and open the door. Yeah. That's what it would be like, right? Happens real quick. Yeah. But so he gets back to the...

North Pole. And again, like, the honest, first of all, the North Pole, shouldn't there be, like, flags at half-mast a little bit? Should be people be... Totally. You know, like... The polls should only come out of the ground, 50%. We lost the legend tonight. A state funeral at the very least. Bah-p-pah-pah-bba-b-b-b-dab-bap-d-d-ruff. Instead, you know, we see a poll, and then the... The little eerie kid's like,

Dad, I think that's the North Pole. Well, yeah, it's magical Enya music for a little bit. Dude, I don't know what that song is. Here's this other thing. I got to point out whenever he is so unnecessarily shitty to this kid because he's like, what's that? And the kid goes, I don't know, the North Pole. And he looks at this kid, and he's like,

The North Pole! Look what just happened the whole night! It's not impossible. Well, because he couldn't He couldn't figure out North Pole looks more like something. Yeah.

I had something there for a minute. Charlie, let's just go. Let's fucking go. We go down, we meet all the elves. All the elves are children. Which chills me to my bones. Yeah. Old children, too. Very old children. Old children. Oh, there's that in Erie.

And they still got the booger fingers. Yep. We have Oppenheimer's David Kremaltz. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah fucking love me some crumholes He's great, he's great David Crumholz who stole the soul of Michael Lerner to have that rolling

Oppenheimer I'm sorry that's what happened Necronet Mancy Yeah But he I mean Crimals is great in this movie He's like the good comedic foil to Tim Allen You know kind of dumps a ton of exposition

Which does say yes And on this card he gives him the fine print It says the bearer of this card's identity will disappear in 11 months or something like that it's like yourself as you know it will fade away you forego identity from now and forever

it's like holy shit man this is sad shit isn't this part of the contract to work for X now I think so yes you're here for life pedophile you are X employee 7 We have 21 in total.

But something we were bringing up before, though, because this is where it's happening, none of these people are sad at all about Santa. It's just like, well, you're the new Santa. You're the boss now. They must have hated the last one too. Yeah, and they're so jaded, it's like, well, you're going to be a piece of shit

just like he was. And maybe that guy was a short-lived Santa. Like, maybe he was just a Santa for a year. And it's like, that doesn't even count. We didn't get to really know him that well. Yeah, exactly. He had a bunch of bad ideas about breeding. dogs.

He had a whole lab dedicated to it. We weren't. He seemed a little lippy. He had a golden retriever. I would love it if someone... Well done, dude. One of these tiny elves, like, watch your back asshole.

You're a flash in the pan. I'm 500 years old. Fuck face. I've been trying to get Regis Philbin in that suit. Watch your ass. I'll get him. Ho, ho, ho! RIP, by the way.

I accidentally meted this guy with my car. I'm finally immortal. I'd love that. I wish Reach had been immortal, man. What a cool world, that would have been. Absolutely. He, so, like, basically, like, you know, you're going to be the Santa Claus.

You have 11 months to get your affairs in order, i.e., your old life is over. Because this, the job of becoming Santa is literally a terminal disease. You know, it's funny. His old life was already over. Yeah, that's fair. Neal's moved in. Oh, actually, that's true.

So this is now your old, old life. And then here comes this sassy, flirty elf that I don't need. Not in this movie. Judy. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know that she's supposed to be 300, but the actress is nine. You know, it's disturbing when Tim Allen's like, oh, you look good for your age of 1,200. And she's like, oh, I'm seeing someone in rapping.

So was there a Santa before this that was really into this? I think that's why they're not so sad that the last guy's gone, dude. That was inappropriate Santa. Previous Santa Tom Seismore had a... Rest in peace, by the way, yes.

It's R-I-P-D, Tom Seismore. It's not the worst joke in the world. Having a little kid play an immortal one and you'd be like, oh, you look good. The joke is, ha, you look pretty good for your age. But he goes, you know, you look really good for your age and that's the thing

it's also sensual he's in a rope like laying down on the palace steps but no Steve you're right though because the delivery is it's as if his direction was like now you're nervous to flirt with her right because he's like so like there's a hesitation there

and it's not just like you're joking around with a kid you're like oh man does she like me that must have been a great day for the director and he's like Yeah, so, I mean, you're kind of into it. You know, you're not letting it happen, but you're kind of into it, you know? You want to be nice to him. You don't want to let him down hard, do you?

You realize it's actually legal, 1,200, I mean, it's not 12, it's 1,200. Just do the math. If you do the math, it's fine. You don't got to worry about anything. We're going to move forward. She tells Tim Allen. So, yes, Jeffrey Jones isn't Santa, yes. She says to him like, oh, do you want some?

hot chocolate, he's like, blah, I hate hot chocolate. And she goes, no, you've got to try this. It took me 1,200 years to perfect this recipe. And I'm like, for hot chocolate, you suck in the kitchen. And then when she says, he drinks it, right?

And he's like, oh, actually, this is delicious. And she's like, yep, it's chocolate, it's milk. It's shaken, not stirred. And I was like, 1,200 years for that recipe. What were some of the outtakes? 1,200 years, that, that, That cocoa better change my molecular biology.

It might change my entire body structure. I cannot believe we have shaken not stirred, and later we have an elf named Quentin, who is Q from James Bond. He's got all the gadgets. He does. Thank God for that. I'm like, me just filming.

He's got all the gadgets. He goes to sleep in these new Santa Claus pajamas. He wakes up in his bed in the new Santa Claus pajamas. But how did he get there? All these little hands picked him up? Yeah, they put him in the back of the sleigh. One of it gets his ass nice and high. Wait a second, though.

Does that mean there was something in that hot chocolate? Oh, yes. He fucking passed out and woke up at home. Yeah. Yeah, Crumholtz was like, put the heavy stuff in there. Double-dose him. This guy's a little wily. We're already sick of this guy.

Drug the shit out of him. And this is when, you know, the next, like, full movement of the movie is Charlie not shutting up about Santa Claus this is tough dude the mom comes and he's like oh my god last night dad was Santa and she's like well that's strange oh that's funny

did you put on a suit or something no he literally went to the North Pole and we did this and we flew around and I met a fucking soulless black eyed dog you know what's that number it's three numbers for the police I can't think about it right now Because it's beyond like your dad was telling you Santa was real, right?

Because that's like how it's played, like that's what she's pissed off about. I am Santa. I am Santa. You love Santa. You love me now. He doesn't agree that he's Santa until like the last 20 minutes of this movie. He's still fucking fighting it, you know, even when he's looking like Kenny Rogers later in the movie. But like the whole thing is like she's pissed off because, you know, when they dropped the kid off, it was like, Judge Ronhold kind of told him there's no Santa.

so we're sort of navigating these choppy waters here like we want to keep this kid grounded and then like when she comes back he's running around like we went to the North Pole this that and the other thing and it's like now it's time to call a real child psychiatrist

you know what I mean like this is some this is some devastatingly sad shit ruined for life we can say it it can't just be board game night with Neil asking some personal questions serious professionals he goes to school and he's like my daddy's sinner

Well, I mean, he goes to school. This is when Wendy Krista needs to step in. Go ahead, Steve. I love that. I don't want to stop that. We're having fun tonight. He's getting some nice headpats like that eerie dog. But it's take your dad to school day or what does your dad do for career day or whatever.

And we start, and like, if you're divorced and, like, you know, the new dad, the new step dad is living with the kid and you know you still have a good relationship with the old dad that's on mom to say who gets to go and only one get to go dual representation not an option at career day I'm sorry

because they're immediately going to like who's going to go first and you know that's going to cause the whole thing later on but he's like I want my dad to go and he's like my dad Santa Claus and I'm like dude you are fucked in school right it's awful you are so fucked you have no idea how fuck you are like they're going to be talking

about that while you're going off to college. That fucking dumb kid got to say his dad was Santa. You might as well shit your pants at school. You might as well. It's just as bad. It can't get any worse, dude. And the clock is ticking and it's like, get ready for recess, motherfucker.

You're going to get punched in the stomach. Well, because it starts with him getting bullied because he's anti-Santa and so he overcorrects because he fucking Tim Allen's son and goes all the way up. He is getting every bully there has had a chance with him. At least once at this point.

Best case scenario, this kid turns out to be Silent Night Deadly Night. Yes. Yeah. Oh, absolutely, dude. Because honestly, you're fucked. I mean, it's, and that's going to follow you school to school. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yep. Yep. Oh, and then, like, when you're a little older, like, you get to college or whatever, and then, like, social media is invented. Oh, yeah. Friend request. Oh, look at that. It's that fucking Santa fucker kid. Oh, let's friend him. Let's friend him. It would be an urban legend all across town. Oh, you see that house? Yeah, that's the house

with that dumb little kid on Steve on Santa Claus was his dad yeah Charlie should stay away from Facebook for the first couple years yeah yeah

don't be friending oh hey Charlie I see you're a pre-med huh what does Santa think about that he would have to change his name and move to a different state yeah and if he's on like

if he's on Facebook Charlie Calvo would be like my name is Charlie Elliott you know what I mean like just use the middle name because you don't want those fuckers following you around

when people try to avoid the creeps you know you know what they're doing I know exactly what they're doing. Yeah, you get a 1 a.m. message on Facebook from the guy who used to bully you every day saying, how's your dad, Santa Claus, and your mother, Mother Thanksgiving, huh? How are they doing? My mom is Thanksgiving. Yes, she is.

My mom is Thanksgiving. What's that, like, the turkey guy, right? Tom Turkey. Tom Turkey. Is there any, like, legends of Tom Turkey? Does he bring anything on... Oh, I don't know. about that. I think there was a Bob's

all about that. We should develop that thought. You wake up in the morning and there's a bunch of hot meat and gravy under a tree or something. Oh, you're a bad boy this Thanksgiving. You got molten gravy under the tree. How dare you?

Just leaving it out all night. Get your Thanksgiving list together. And this weird thing develops where in Wendy Cruson and Judge Reinhold are like Tim Allen is warping this boy. Yep. Because to gain his favor,

he is pretending to be Santa Claus, which is insane. It's demented. I don't know. I've met this guy. I believe it. I don't know. I'm kind of with them for a little bit here.

Like if he'll begrudgingly decorate the townhouse as if he gives a shit about Christmas, yeah, he will gain weight, dye his beard, grow his hair out, absolutely sick, psycho shit. Until Neil is in the ground, I think this is pretty much on forever. Yeah, oh yeah.

This is just him for now. And basically, like, it kind of starts to escalate where in eventually he finally figures out, like, 23 minutes of the movie, like, hey, Charlie, why don't we keep it our secret? I would do that night fucking one. You know what I mean? Like, this doesn't leave the fucking house.

I don't know what happened last night. I don't know what happened to be in Judy last night. None of it leaves the house. Yep, yep. Yep. It comes way too late because there's a scene right before they have this because the mother is like begging him like I'm begging

you please you have to talk to this kid it's embarrassing he told Judge Reinhold's mother about all this it's awful you know but the mother walks in on this kid okay in the bedroom on the door there's a little poster

that he made and it says the North Pole South and she opens this door and this kid has taken dining room chairs and stack them like reindeer and he's sitting on his dresser like he's riding like Santa.

And this is like March. He's, okay? He's whipping inanimate objects around the house. I do not have a child. Thank God for that at least. But if I walked in on this, I'd prefer just vicious masturbating. Oh, absolutely.

Really, just jackhammering it compared to this stuff. You know what, Charlie, I really wish you'd been pounding pud because this, I'm calling a doctor. Hey, Thanksgiving, give me a minute. I would rather I found that number Dad was talking about

1,800 spank me I would rather if you have won the first world gooning championship than this shit. I think this movie came out before gooning was invented. Yeah, I think so.

Oh, gooning is eternal. Man drew on cave walls about goonings. So, you came off the roof, now you're the goon. Take you up to the goon pole. now you have to watch pornography forever Steve Sadegh be coming Santa Claus tomorrow

Gooney Claus Hey it's going to be a white Christmas And now we can move on So whatever It's our little secret This is when the body horror shows up And I want to see this guy because there's definitely There's a couple of shots. The first shot is Tim Allen getting out of bed.

And, you know, he farts. He farts, he farts, for sure. But the feet that they show are just some fat guy's feet. It's not Tim Allen's feet. It's not fat suit thing. How do you know? You go to Wiki feed or something? I agree, dude. These are kind of fat guy feet. Also, no, I'll tell you why. The other reason, because when he's at the North Pole and he gets them sexy silk jammies and whatnot, there's this shot where it's like, Tim Allen's fucking feet.

And then the camera comes up. I didn't need that. I didn't need to see them tutsies. Yeah, I think I would be great to play a Monica's new boyfriend on Friends. Yeah, I was Tim Allen's fat foot double. Oh, he was in a major motion picture. It was for five seconds.

It was five full seconds of on-screen performance. Yeah, I do foot double work. Fat foot double work, of course. But the thing about the farting, okay, and it's fart two of two in the movie. Santa loves to fart. The farting heralds in. in, he's fat now.

Yeah, exactly. He's like, getting out of bed, you're like, those weren't the feet from the last scene. No. And then it's just, and I was like, oh, he's farting. He must be fat now.

There. And sure enough, he looks in the mirror and he's fucking touching his gut. You're like, thanks, fart noise. Thanks for giving me the heads up. We forgot to tell you, Santa shit's the bed every night. It's just part of the thing.

David Krummoltz is giving him fucking plastic sheets before he leaves. Like, here you go. You'll need these. For what? You'll see. Adult diapers, which he probably would need if you had to go all around the world.

That's a good. Are we finding, like, rooftops that have, like, you know, port-a-johns on them or something? I think there's some talk about, like, a temporal portal that, like, time is suspended while he's traveling. Into a bathroom, then, you think? For my bladder, you're drinking milk and eating cookies at every fucking stop.

It's probably like a trucker. You just piss into a water bottle. I see. Shuck it down at a chimney, move on. You're absolutely right for the pissing. That's absolutely what's happening. But for the shitting, I think, you know what, Santa Claus, he's got all this, he's very popular,

shit in these houses. Nobody's using the bathroom at this hour. Nobody's doing it. Kids, did you see the toilet? Guess who came into the house? Santa Claus' famous upper decker. You just get up at like 5 a.m. in the morning, Christmas Day, and you're like, oh, God, I can't wait to see my presence.

I just got to go to battle. Whoa. You get up at 3 o'clock, occupied. There's, like, fog coming out from underneath it. Santa's got his fucking foot against the door like, Lark's broken. You might want to burn a candle after this. Occupato.

I mean, you're totally right, though, Chris, because, like, Santa, of course, eternal goodwill. Yeah, sure, of course. It's like, who's in there? Oh, take your time, Santa. Free pass. Free pass every time. Oh, dude, but if you got that one-ply shit, you're on the naughty list. Oh, absolutely.

Santa prefers the quilted kind. All right, okay. Some backup rolls, dude. All right, so we're going to have to get milk and cookies and toilet paper and air fresheners. Maybe some hand wash, too. Santa often forgets to courtesy flush. Oh, ho, ho. And he never washes his hands.

Man. That's what the gloves are for. Exactly. You're right, dude. That is what the gloves are for. So he goes to work. And I mean, like, I don't know, man. Like, you've worked in an office, and you've worked anywhere. Yeah. Your coworkers will gain and lose weight. And, you know, it's totally

whatever. But I was like, oh, my God, look how fucking fat he got. Holy shit, he's too fat to work here. Yeah, Peter Boyle's like, can I see you outside? Yeah, you've gotten too fat to work. Yeah. I'm just too fat to work here. They're having this insane, like, company lunch situation.

What is going on with this thing, man? There's a waiter. I don't know what, there's a staff. They work at the fucking White House? What is going on? It's like there's a guy, like, taking orders on a notepad, and he's wearing a little black bow tie. They're making references to the Panzer Division of the SS.

Yeah. The fuck is going on here. Well, that's where the jokes come in. Yeah, of course, yes, a joke. Well, he was a Germanic myth, right? The Santa. Claws and all that. That's true.

But here's the thing. It's one thing that he gains all this weight. And you know, whatever. That's like the myth of Santa Claus. He has to be fat for whatever reason. But it's not just that this curse is affecting his body. It's rewiring his brain because like, you know, Scott Calvin yesterday, he's probably like, oh, you know, ham on rise.

I want cookies and milk and only cookies and milk. That's all I can eat. That's all I'm allowed to eat. Oh my God. Why can't I not eat cookies and milk? Fudge on this side and he's eating all this shit. And yeah, there is a, you know, he's taking objection to certain things that they're doing at the toy company. This tank thing, which I guess the premise is Heinrich Himmler resurrected Santa Claus.

Put him in a tank. More fucking Nazi magic necromancy dude right there for all to enjoy. But you're right, Steve, it is that thing where it's like he's getting pissed off that like, oh, you're skewing from the Santa lore. Where are the reindeer to slay? It's a package deal. Why do you care, dude? Because your brain chemicals are bubbling and bubbling. And he's like, why can't those elves be little children?

That I want to date. By the way, Charlie, has Judy talked about me? I mean, you're closer to, you know. Anything talking? What's going on? Peter Boyle, after this display, yeah, he makes a mess of this guy's presentation, pulls him out of the office. You've got to get back together.

You're literally too fat to work in this office. Peter Boyle literally goes, my God, your weight. It's like, my God, your lawsuit. Yeah, totally, man. Well, that's, I mean, I just would love it if it was like the Philadelphia scene. Are you saying I'm fired for being fat?

Jason Robarts is close up, like, well, you did order the cookie mountain for lunch. I do like that he said he got stung by a bee. Well, it was a big bee. That was a pretty good joke. And then you get to like spring. Steen does a song and it's like, the streets of the North Pole.

The streets of Fugedelphia. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, yum. Denzel Washington, an impassioned speech about this fat guy. Yeah, I like it. Let's talk about being fat. Let's talk about it. We're kind of creating a Mad TV sketch up here. Yeah, apologies for that.

And indeed, it would be, it's like, up next on Mad TV, Fudgedelphia. Will Sassau, of course, as Scott Calvin. The lowest common denominator. So he gets, well, he goes to the doctor, and the doctor, you know, it's a fun scene. We do get to see this body suit, like really. This thing was for VHS or lower, this body suit, dude. It's disturbing.

It's like gray. It is. He looks like a dead. Dude, it is the same flush color as when E.T. dies at the end of that movie. And it's like the face is fine, the arms are fine, and then his fucking mobs and gut are just gray? Very hardened.

It's like they took the puppet that they used for the big fat guy in seven, and then just pasted it on to Tim Allen. I mean, it got soaked in a couple of fludge, but it's still useful. You can cut off the sides. The doctor's just like, well, were you force-fed spaghetti till death?

This doctor, I mean, I would just be like, you know, let me just say, this is going to sound weird, Scott. Have you met any not great-looking Romanian men? And have they possibly, just possibly, tussed your cheek and said Santa Claus. You're right, he looks like thinner before thinner. The body suit is just like the fat suit from thinner. It's all hard. Santa. Santa.

It is, I mean, like, you would be, because he does say, like, I gained 45 pounds in a week, and, like, this character, this doctor has to, like, let in one ear off the other. I'd be like, oh, my God. You know what I mean? Like, that's an, oh, my God moment. Yeah, that's like, oh, shit, it's dark magic.

Yeah. I can't handle this, actually. You're going to have to go to a specialist. Like, holy fuck, Scott, Calvin. That's physically impossible. And then the joke is he listens to his heart, and it's the jingle bells theme. And I'm like, again, nope.

Let's call an exorcist here. You know, this doctor... We've got to get somebody in here. Because he's healthy as a horse. He has him run and all that. And he's like medically fine. You should be like engineering some type of anti-diabetes serum

from Santa's blood. Oh, I mean, Cromholtz is just, he clearly is not the man to be running the North Pole. He needs somebody to be supervising. Yeah, but like, I mean, shame on this doctor for letting him out of the office after he puts the stethoscope up to his chest and it goes, no you can't go home

that's a pretty vicious heart murmur you're going to have to stay here for a little bit you know what I don't know what this is but I'm going to say it right now I think you probably should kill yourself I don't know what that is but I my medical opinion is that you should kill yourself I am out of answers immediately so what are you doing a situation like this right

you're starting to look more and more like Kenny Rogers or Santa Claus with each passing day, better go sit in a park alone and talk to children on a bench. Very smart. He's trying to watch his son play soccer. The son's just, you know, it's a fine little thing,

and like this little girl kind of comes up to him. And I think, again, like the weird part about the Santa Claus disease that he has, it makes him dress like Santa Claus. You're right. Because again, like, Scott Calvin doesn't want to wear red and green, but he fucking has to.

I want to see a scene where he puts on like a heavy metal. t-shirt, and he's like, no, it burns! You just get a montage, he's like, throws out all his clothes, just red and green and gold, and that's it. Well, it's like Jim Carrey and liar, liar, when he can't physically lie. The pin is blear! Like, he should be trying to put on a yellow

t-shirt, and it's like, you need some of that. Because otherwise, these are just decisions he's making. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. He's talking, so yeah, he's talking up the girl for look who's talking to or the dog one. The three one, yeah. The third one now. Yes, and

he's like, so... Well, all the stars are out tonight when we're making this movie. Are you? So, you know, yeah, yeah, I know you want a bicycle, but are you $1,200? No. No, okay, yeah, yeah, we'll get you the bike.

Don't worry, yeah. And next, next, are you $1,200? But you're right, Chris, the direction you're taking it, because Wendy Crucese comes by and like, yeah, you know, oh my God, Scott put on some weight, Scott dressed like Santa Claus. Scott is accosting children

in the park. You know what I mean? Like, there's a line of kids to sit on this dude's lap. They get out of Judge Reinhold's Ford Taurus, and across the pitch, you just see like a little boy on this dude's knee with a line of kids just down the block. Freakout

time. Total public freakout time. It's time to revisit the custody rights, which actually it is. Yes, absolutely. This is the one that was a fridge too far for Wendy and judge here. There's this terrifying scene where, because I mean, I think that the movie

wants you to know that he's about to go to this custody hearing and he can't look like Santa Claus, so he like shaves himself and dyes his hair and then it magically comes back. I mean, and he still doesn't believe he's Santa Claus at this. Like he's just like, man, what did I

eat last? I'm like, dude, are you fucking paying attention? Well, I'm in some hot soup here. It's like, I got to lay off those late night Doritos. No, man, it's dark magic. Oh, I must be turning into chicken magnate Kenny Rogers. Finally, my day has come. It is kind of one of the greatest trolls of all time

that any time this movie is playing on like an ABC family situation, the commercial for it will always have that transformation shot. Just in case you were just flipping through channels and weren't yet sick to your stomach, you can see this dude in the bad CGI. Oh, God, it's awful. But without, you know, don't make all these excuses, Tim Allen. Show Wendy Cruson and Judge Reinhold this.

They'll both faint and then they'll believe you. That's a great point. He should shave in front of someone. Stay in the room until it happens. I mean, that's the problem is I do, it would be a little bit hard to be like, look, Wendy, just, could you and Neil, could you just watch me shave? Just quietly, quietly watch me shave and I swear it's worth it. You'll be amazed.

I'm not going to do nothing. I don't need either of you to do nothing. Just watch me shave. My face, my face. Watch me shave my face. And this judge is involved, and he's talking to Charlie. There's this really intense Wendy Crucent's scene about mystery date, and she's talking about it.

It's an audition for a different movie, you know? Dude, I'll tell you what. If he wasn't dead by the time they made this movie, I would have sworn Cassavetti stepped in and directed this scene. It is just so from another movie. It's like the Phoebe Kate scene from Gremlin. It's about getting mystery date. It's not about your dad dying.

And Scott comes in at the end, again, in this red and green suit. And it's just like, because the judge has just been hearing, like, I think my dad, Santa Claus, and the judge's like, well, that's fake. And then this guy shows up like, well, all right, you just lost your cousin? You, by your decorum, have lost custody.

It's like if he wasn't wearing red. Yes, maybe you'd have a kid, I don't know. I'm surprised we didn't get a Tim Allen aping Mrs. Doubtfire as Santa Claus. I love my son. Judge, I love my son so much. And can I have some of those cookies and I love this kid so much? I love it so much. Because at least in that scene in Doubtfire, like regardless of that movie being

Airy on its own, Robin Williams was an amazing actor. Sure. This is a movie that stars Tim Allen. crucial difference there that's how you know that both did loads of blow but still crucial difference zero sarcasm in that Robin Williams speech it would have to be all of it in the judge speech

so he loses custody and we know that he again the movie is like really clipping along here we know that you know he's going to go back to the North Pole on Thanksgiving again he still does not believe he's Santa Claus even though he's walking around the city in

complete Santa Claus garb at this point. It's pretty much the outfit. There's a hat kind of like this. He's walking towards some sort of high up bridge, hopefully to end this. You think anyway, that's what I'd be doing. There is that scene where he's

like walking around and being like, oh, naughty, nice, nice, and he's like, oh, this woman, oh boy, yeah, very nice. Oh, that's what he briefly has mental powers for a little bit? Right, yeah, yeah. That's the thing that he has telepathy and he doesn't believe he's Santa Claus. He's like, oh, John, naughty.

And then the scene's like, oh, Judy, very nice. I have my horny list, too, just to, who's the hottest here? As if things could not get any sadder for this guy, looking like Santa Claus, just freshly lost custody of your child, presumably fired. I don't know what's going on there. Probably fired for being too fat. He's going to have a case against the, yeah.

Just to crank that pathos knob. a little higher. Let's go stand outside my old house like a dog and watch in the window on Thanksgiving and watch my child and my wife's new family chow down. He's just out

there in the bushes. My kids in there. He's just out there. They look out. I'm still Santa Claus. Yeah, you know, I'm still, you know, I am. I'm him. But that's the thing.

He comes in and they're like, oh, my God, I should... Instead of calling the police, what you have to do at this point... Yes. They're like, all right, you know what? We're going to leave you two alone for one minute. Dude, he barges in like this, dude. And, like, Reinhold... This is a Reinhold thing that's crazy.

He, like, forcefully puts his arm in the doorway to block it or whatever. Dude, fucking Kramer versus Kringle right here, man. Holy shit. It's getting troublesome. He's left alone, and David Kromaltz is brutal. comes in and he's like, oh, hey, kid, how about, let's go to the North Pole, it's time to go.

And he realizes only by getting the snow globe, Tim Allen does, I think I might be Santa Claus now. Finally. You know, it should have been a scene where he got hit on the head as well at some point, you know. But he kidnaps his child on Thanksgiving. It's so great.

They're like, where's Charlie? The door is open, that crazy. lunatic who thinks he's Santa Claus is gone. Yeah. For a minute here, this turns into ransom. But I mean, it does. Because, you know, it's been a while since I saw this with me. This kid is kidnapped for a fucking

month. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. It's crazy. One full calendar month they've kidnapped this child. And another way it's like Silent Night, Deadly Night, is the police are just like, we got this APB, this crazy fucker thinks he's Santa Claus. Shoot to kill, shoot to kill. They are rounding up Santa Claus's

all around also. Yes. And all the cops, of course, are, like, making jokes like, ha, ha, you should fucking eat milk and cookies when we arrest them. Ha, ha, the kid's been kidnapped. Well, you know what, they see that shit every day. They can make sure. Well, I love it because, like, the idea is, like, you as the audience member need to understand,

like, he didn't kidnap his son. He just loves his son. Of course. But literally, like, nine out of ten kidnappings are from a divorced parent stealing their child. Like, literally that's how that shit works. That's it. That's really it, everybody.

I got to say, though, this Wendy Cruising here doesn't seem too burnt up by it, because, like, she runs out the house, the door's been left wide open, and it's, Scott Charlie. Dude, take two, that shit.

Holy crap, you didn't care at all. Fuck, we got to get it out of here. We got to get it out. It's like, I just got to do it loud enough so the neighbors can hear me, and it's like, oh, yeah, she totally sounded upset when the kidnapping happened. She's in on it.

We talked about him a little bit. We go back to the North Pole and this is when we get disgusting shit boy Supreme which is Quinton because A, he's got a horrible British accent and B, more importantly, he's got a ponytail that's braided.

And I mean, this thing is... You know where you find these kind of ponytails? Klingon? Where does Frodo live. There. It's convenient. He's got reigns of his own. I was going to say, like, at equestrian

shows, because this is a horse girl ponytail is what he's got right there. That's fair, yeah, yeah. And he's basically, like, the cue, and, like, this is where the movie gets really cute with the Santa Claus shit. It's like, oh, here's a flavor tartan

outfit. Here we... Okay, here's the thing about that, because, I mean, it's all dumb. So, don't get me wrong there. But, like, why that's the dumbest? It's like, oh, now fireplaces? aren't a problem anymore. We never saw a fireplace be a problem in the movie. I would have loved to see him be set on fire.

Just like roast that ass a little bit, dude, something. And also, he should be wearing a flack jacket because there are, people are packing. They took shop to them earlier. That's true. Kevlar for sure. Also, parachute. I want that parachute on the man. You never know.

Slay mishap? If he lands in water and that's where this magical suit is, that's no Santa for many years that's maybe a decade of no Santa yeah eventually someone who find it on that plastic continent that's floating around in the ocean Tom Hanks and Castaway finds it he can't get out he's just like the reindeer won't come

they won't come it's in the middle of nowhere he already had the beard Charlie gives his mom a call really quick they're like trying to trace the call that's kind of cute but again like this is his only contact with his mother for a fucking month after being kidnapped, they might as well send a finger back.

You know what I mean? Ho, ho, ho, you're never seeing your son again. Here's an early Christmas present. I mean, I just call me crazy but there's something about Christmas movies and child kidnapping that just does not gel. I agree. And you have this scene where like the cops are recording

the phone call? Keep him talking. Keep him talking. And he's like, oh, it's so much fun in the North Pole. Keep him talking. I gotta go now the elves need me, holy shit at that point I'd be like, I'm never going to see this kid and all she could imagine

he's like oh wow it's so magical here she just imagines like a fucking dilapidated warehouse and a soiled mattress we're putting the last triggers into the plastic it sounds like this kid would have had better luck with jigsaw obviously maybe definitely

seems more reasonable that's another jolly guy white hair red coat That's actually very true, yeah. I mean, that's where this Saw series is heading now that we've, like, revamped him and he's a nice guy, actually. Sure. Oh, yeah, well, you were naughty on Christmas.

Now you have to put your hand into this razor blade present. It's half written already. It's perfect. Dude, that's a better way to do those movies because they kill him off with the third one. Whoever kills Jigsaw becomes him. I think that's what they were literally trying to do with Costas Mandilor.

and all those fuckers. Oh, man, I was going to watch those. Sorry, dude. There's a ZZ Top montage. Because every Christmas movie needs ZZ Top's, give me some lovin. Or give me all your lovin.

Zizi Top song explicitly about fucking for a long time. This is a divorce dad movie above Christmas. It's a whole song about, come on, don't lose your erection. I kind of want to fuck give me all your love and don't let not after three times sing it to his cock I mean he might be

well it's like sometimes you know people don't like pay attention to the lyrics and then like oh we selected like whatever tune is our like first song or first dance at our wedding and it's like oh you didn't know that that song's about like a little girl that drown in a lake yeah like shit like that when it happens we met at a little girl lake drowning okay and it just resonates with us yeah maybe I I probably shouldn't have played I'll make love to you at our divorce party I'm sorry that's probably wrong of me so what happens

now he does fucking Christmas he flies around he's doing Christmas he's flying a fucking around he flies right into a sting in his ex-wife's house though oops that's what's great yeah he gets arrested and you know who are these little children outside in the middle of the night

like on leave shit alone yeah the second the cops roll up there's just like pajama to children running out into the street? There's so many people, it's like at the end of do the right thing, there's so many like, no! Not Santa Claus!

Similarly electrifying. It's more like do the right thing than not. So what happened here, dude? Someone threw a fucking Toys for Tots box through the pizzeria window? Sure. It's a perfect Christmas title too, right? That's true. You've got to be nice,

not, you know. Yeah. Tim Allen, that's true. Tim Allen's walking around with the boombox. Sorry, everyone. I've been meaning to re-watch that. Now I'm definitely re-watching that. This holiday season. So he's arrested, he's brought in

all his fat-ass downtown. We're kind of doing, I believe this is like a little Miracle on 34th Street riff. They're like, what's your name? Santa Claus. Popo, he's all. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

What is so fucking funny about that? It's just an Italian TV puppet. Yeah. It's funny, isn't it? No. It's nice. It wasn't funny 30 years ago. It's funny, and it says Popo.

It's fun to say. Yeah. And then this movie gets real cool because here comes the ELFS Elves with attitude. Oh, I wish I was dead. Yeah. They're just, they come in,

they're throwing flashbangs. They're like, yeah. Little children besieging a police department I did not expect I guess it's sweetened the deal for Tim Allen now he does have an army of child soldiers so that's kind of cool as he always wanted

that's what he wanted for Christmas he's like that coney guy was he Santa? I don't know so they like save this kid off the roof and they fly off to the police station this cop hysterically just dumping hot coffee on himself because he's so mesmerized by flying children

but like oh shit oh fuck there's a whole like thermos of hot coffee going down my chest right now they tie up this one guy behind the desk and shove a donut down his throat oh dude this guy looks like waterlogged clin howard yes yes exactly the north pole says acab at this moment it does it does yeah and they bust him out of jail with tinsel that cuts right through metal and one cut through a human skull i bet too oh my god that's what they should have done to that dude speaking a saw that's what got brad pitt at the end of the counselor was tinsel. It was just pure tinsel. Hello, Jeff. Attached to your neck at two strands of tinsel. It's just slowly tightening. Oh, oh no, oh no.

You have to put the orderment on the tree where it cuts your head off. So whatever, they fucking break him out and he goes home. And this is like, for all of the fussing and a feuding that's been going on in this family drama, she is nowhere near

pissed off enough that this kid has been gone for a fucking calendar month. Yes. Because it's just like, oh, Santa brought you back. Oh, well, that's good. Like, I'm telling you, she didn't want him back. Oh, Neil, we are ready to make love for the fourth. Fuck! Fuck!

Yeah. Oh, he's back. Shit! Because it's one of those things, like, this kid just keeps reminding me of this son of a bitch ex-husband. Yeah. I want to start fresh. New family, dude. Yep. You said he was really getting into, you know, cars and tech up there in North Pole? Why don't

They'd take them. David Crumholtz has a stupid haircut. Why can't he take him? It's not a very good kid. If you're going to lose one, this should be the one. But she is so moved. He gives a speech like Charlie, because Charlie's like, I want to go with you, dad.

He's like, no, you got to be with your mom. Family's about sharing. And she's like, oh, my God, he is Santa Claus. I'm going to burn these custody papers, question mark. Also, that's not how that works. No. I think there's a copy. No.

If that was the case, people would be trying to burn restraining orders. It doesn't work that way. Fuck you, Illinois State Supreme Court. Taws. I mean, I'm pretty sure the court has a different set on hand.

I mean, but I guess the whole thing is sort of this sort of performative like, hey, knives away, you know, you're Santa Claus. I'm sorry. You can understand why it was hard for me to believe, but you're Santa Claus. No, yeah, I know.

I know he killed nine people, but he did burn the arrest warrant. So we don't really have. We got nowhere to go, real. Crafty, son of a bitch. He just got a whole. He snatched it right out of my hand. I've been after this guy for 30 years while I'm working on the force, and every time he burns that.

I can't arrest him. Every time I say, I'm not going to hold it and show it to him like this. Every time, but I can't help it. I need to do it. The funniest line of this movie, though, is after the, that big speech, like Charlie, like, I got to deal with all these other kids. We got to be honest, blah, blah, blah.

This kid just goes, I love you, Santa Claus. Mental poisoning, complete. Father, or dad. How about real quick there, dad. And it's kind of amazing because this movie ends twice for no reason. Sure does. The music swells.

He gets in the sleigh, and then he drops all the presents down, Judge Ronald gets the weenie whistle fucking Wendy Cruson gets whatever was going on with that mystery date game she gets to solve whatever that problem was yeah sure I mean dude it's kind of shitty though I hope mystery date is fucking two players are up

because it's just Reinhold in the house yeah it's true well you get Charlie to play mystery date with you I mean much like the Simpsons you got the dud but he flies away and like everyone waves goodbye and like everyone's got tears in their eyes and then like Charlie's like

yeah let's do the ending again and he shakes the fucking thing and he's like dad I know we just learned that I don't want to hang out with you but can I hang out with you right now? It's like the hostage crisis has just ended kid the cops aren't even back

at the station Comet has like whiplash from that it was like five minutes not even and Tim Allen has to he flies down and he's like what I haven't been gone 10 minutes What is the fucking problem?

I got to get to Europe or Christmas is fucked. Yeah, he's like yelling that. Then she's like, oh, damn, I shouldn't have burned those custody papers. His temper's back. No takesies back sees ho-ho-ho. The boy is mine. While you weren't looking, I got the divorce papers. I burned those two.

We're married again. That is how that works. Yeah, for sure. Every time. The sequel is he tricks a woman. to marrying him. But he goes, he takes the kid. It's like one more

time around. It's like just one and the wife has to be like, all right, you guys don't have too much fun. She's begging, like, please not over any ocean, Scott. Oh, please. I just spent 30 days thinking we're going to murder our son. I can't possibly take another night

of this. And that's how it ends with this woman thinking that her ex-husband is taking the child away. Once again, the end, the Santa Clause. You all right, Chris Gavin? Yeah, I'm just thinking about this movie. You know what?

I gave it credit. It's better than Jungle to Jungle. I wasn't screaming at it. It is. It wasn't screaming at it quite as much. That was something, though, not to prolong this, but the director of this movie did direct Jungle to Jungle, and you will be surprised to learn.

Also Tim Allen vehicle Joe Somebody 39 episodes of Home Improvement 73 episodes of Last Man Standing That is 72 more episodes that I knew existed This is his Richard Curtis This is his partner right here And six episodes of a show that I think I'm the only person on the planet

To watch every episode of Dan Aykroyd in Soul Man What is this about? Dan Akrod plays a widowed Episcopalian minister who also rides a motorcycle. I thought they deleted that when they got rid of all the problematic scenes from all those movies. Didn't they just dump all that too? It was like an ABC show. It was Dan Akron doing stuff. It was the 90s.

I was stupid. What are you going to do? But we got to start wrapping it up. We want to thank you all for coming out here. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you. Big thanks to White Eagle Hall. Beautiful fucking venue here, by the way.

Oh, yeah, gorgeous place there. Now, before we go, we do have to check in because I'm always wondering, what did the public think about this? And one of the best places to figure that shit out is the IMDB user review section. Very quickly, just to... Oh, how much is left in that guy out of time?

Knock it up. I mean, if anybody else wants some, I brought cups. I think I heard someone exclaimed Jesus Christ. He's not here. Happy birthday, by the way. All right, here we go. Happy birthday, the big man. One out of ten stars, if you can even believe it.

Oh, no. Subject line, this movie is just plain bad. From gloomy rival, written the 7th of February 2007. This film is contrived and awful. Tim Allen is as personable as Santa Claus as a wet piece of bread. All right. He plays a divorced father, of course. Well, I mean, I don't know about that.

Who takes the place of Santa Claus when the real Santa is killed. Hilarious stuff. Lots of typical Disney poo-poo humor and meaningless subplots to fill in the Vapid film. Hey, there were only two farts. Okay, man. That's true. That's true. There could have been six.

There could have been a shit joke. I was wishing there were six. I think for this person, though, it's like two farts over the line. Sweet Mary. Sniff, sniff, Mary. Okay, let's see here. The movie relies on special effects and shallow humor to mask its patronizing nature. If the Tim Allen character couldn't even keep his wife happy.

What? Boy, throw it some heat there, buddy. Problem in the bedroom, huh? That's why this is the gloomy rival. I see. Let's see, can't keep his wife happy. What makes an audience think he can spread joy to the entire world as Santa Claus?

Great question. Tim Allen is a horrible actor who only knows one speed. He's definitely not versatile, and every sentimental scene in the movie seems false and forced. It's true. That's true. And he can't even get it up on our anniversary.

Sincerely his wife in the movie. Let's see here. False and force. The movie may have been popular, but that does not mean that it was good. The jokes in the movie already seemed dated and stale. Now, gentle audience, this is where it takes a bit of a left turn. Like Michael Jackson's career. people one day

will not be raving how good it was but why in the world in the first place did they like this travesty? I just picturing Michael Jackson saying I thought they were

1,200. Tim Allen does say to one kid fax me which my MJ was all about oh that's right Look it up.

This is a hell of a bait and switch, though. Final line, bound for the rubbish bin of the 1990s. Wow. So you just ended that way. Like, oh, by the way, people are going to find out about Michael Jackson. Also, by the way, this Tim Allen movie, not so good. It's a weird thing to kind of clump together. Odd equivalency, for sure.

All right, here we go. Final review of the evening. One out of ten stars once again Subject line gets my vote for being the worst movie ever made. Wow. Okay. Directed by, or written by, excuse me,

written by, you guessed it, Tug 3. Oh, he's done it more than that. It's it, come on now, don't you, don't shit a shitter here. Check out this fucking publication date. December the 26th, 2000. Wow.

Oh, yeah. This might as well been from another world. Yep. The 26th at like 4 o'clock in the morning. You're totally right. I wish we got publication times on this. I would love to know. I need time stamps, dude. I'm just back from the Petriena Uno Bar

and I got something to say about Tim Allen. Simpler times, folks. All right. The Santa Claus is the most distasteful and resoundingly mediocre film I have ever seen. Wow.

The underlined premise of the movie, the violent death of the patron saint of children, violent? Hell yeah, hell yeah. It is violent, not violent enough. Yeah, not enough. Treated as goofy slapstick is repellent, and none of the some 40,000 extraneous subplots

the filmmakers tack on can change this. What I hate most about this film is its smarmyness. Disney Studios has the ability, and the money, to make good comedies. For example, its recent effort, The Kid, was witty and entertaining. It's just a home run, that one. That's the one where Bruce Willis turns back into a child. Yes. And the child, the child.

Spencer Breslin. Spencer Breslin is in the second Santa Claus movie. Are there? Perfect. Let's see here. In lowest common denominator efforts like the Santa Claus, the studio chucks all reliance on plot, character, or invention, and relies instead on what it imagines children will find amusing.

Well, for making a film about children and why it should be fun at Christmas kind of seems like a good strategy. Yeah, Smart Move. That's just me. That's just me. This just doesn't have the sophistication of a merchant ivory picture. This Disney film. I don't know why. when Tim Allen first encounters Santa's reindeer,

it's a no-brainer that one of them will be flatulent. Hey, kids just love flatulence jokes. Yes, they do. Yeah, what's wrong with it? Sometimes 40-year-old men do too. Yeah, plenty of them. Let's see. When Tim as Santa drinks a glass of milk,

of course he thinks it's turning sour. Kids just adore gross-out humor. Once again, have you ever met a child? That's gross-out? Ew, sour milk. That's gross. Really? The joke there was that it was soy milk.

Oh, right. Right. Exactly. You know it. Let's see. Everything in this movie is on autopilot, including the du rigour bad guy, the lame fat jokes,

the whiny kid who saves the day, and crawls under your skin like a parasite. Whippin out of du rigour for this? This for your IMDB review. Jesus. I mean, you want to talk about a divorced dad. That's who's writing this review right now. And the treakly nauseating ending in which I guess we are supposed to learn the true meaning of Christmas.

No films anger me as much as mediocre films. Films that are not willing to take a chance. I don't know, man. Your protagonist is murdering Santa Claus. That's a big swing, I guess. Pretty risky. Yeah. Yeah.

It is amazing how this film can take such a gruesome premise and play it off as a joke. There is not even a moment's mourning for the passing of poor St. Nicholas. It's true. In the ideal world, Frank Capra would rise from the dead and slap the snot out of Tim Allen for making such a cruel and lukewarm holiday film. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City. Happy holidays, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out.

We will see you next. time, bye-bye. The church built and down the hall. The church built and down are ringing the door.