We Hate Movies - S15 Ep773: Deck the Halls

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

“Christmas is a sexual kink for both of them!” - Chris, on DeVito and Chenoweth’s characters On this special holiday episode of WHM, we’re chatting about the absolutely unhinged, abhorrent, mid-aughts Christmas comedy, Deck the Halls! Are Danny DeVito and his hot family actually aliens? Why is Broderick’s character free-balling outside in his bathrobe? Why doesn’t the film conclude with the big winter festival they keep yammering about? Who would’ve thought we would be missing Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis and their KRANKS characters? And wouldn’t comedy legend Charles Grodin have absolutely crushed the straight man role in this movie? PLUS: Is this Broderick’s worst movie? DeVito’s?  Deck the Halls stars Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristen Davis, Kristen Chenoweth, Alia Shawkat, Dylan Blue, Kelly Aldridge, Sabrina Aldridge, Jorge Garcia, Gillian Vigman, and Fred Armisen as Gustave; directed by John Whitesell. This episode is brought to you in part by Diet Smoke! Just for our listeners, Diet Smoke is offering a $50 welcome gift, PLUS 20% off your entire order this holiday season. All you gotta do is head over to www.dietsmoke.com and use the code WHM at checkout.  This holiday season, make the Official WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your holiday needs! T-shirts? Prints? Phone cases? Stickers? We got it all! Head over to our Tee Public shop and check it out today! From December 1, through the entirety of 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, we're talking about the movie where the electric bill is going to cause two family annihilations. It's Deck the Halls. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zedak. Eric Siska. The Christmas King. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies.

Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. We are knee deep in now, folks. The holiday season is beyond. upon us. Last week we had a live episode us talking about the Santa Claus and here we are discussing 2006's Deck the Hall's directed by John Whitesell. Now, did you guys take a gander at this fucking film

my movie? Holy shit. Let's go through some of the highlights here. Thunderstruck the Kevin Durant Jim Belushi movie. Of course. I wish. I guarantee you that song's not played in the movie. You're not paying for ACDC. Maybe the kids' Bob version of Thunder. The shitty or the better.

Calendar Girl, the Jason Precise movie where he's trying to meet Marilyn Monroe. Stay tuned. It has to be. Here's another stay tuned. We got to get our eyes on this sucker, 2001 C-Spot Run. It's a dog movie. So at first you're like, but then listen to this plot synopsis. A male man takes care of a dog that, unbeknownst to him,

is an FBI drug-sniffing dog that has escaped from the witness protection program after becoming the target of an assassination. He was framed. The dog was framed for it. I remember the trailer very well. They put the, they wanted to put this fucking dog down. It sounds like a better movie. By the way, also 68 episodes of the John Larrakette show. Oh, wow. The blizzard. Bulk of the series, dude. I'm sorry. That is, we are missing the highlights.

Big Mama's House 2 and 3, I believe. Oh, man. Yes. And Malibu's Most Wanted. My God and heaven. this guy, but this, and to be honest, I'm pretty sure this is the worst of it. That, what we're about to talk about. I'm kind of certain about this. I don't know. In the realm of, I want to throw out some early

aughts comedies to you, and you guys say better or worse. Four Christmases. I haven't seen it. That is better than this. It is. And it's a bad comedy. I've got a present. Christmas with the Cranks previous episode.

Better. I think it's better. I think it's better. Probably better. Yeah, it's better. if only because you got Jamie Lee and that bumps it up for me and it's coherent I would say a little bit more coherent than what's going on here yeah uh Fred Claus

oh better much better I'm leaning better but this is wow this is like a buzz saw to your to your sternum this is the aughts comedies we love this early odds Christmas shit the Grinch movie I didn't get Andrew's answer what do you think of Fred Claus

oh Fred Claus Turn your key, sir. No, I'll tell you what. Fred Claus was a more annoying watch for me than this movie. And here's why I'll tell you right now. It's just because Fred Claus is a Christmas movie wrapped up to its ears. I wish. Wrapped up in Christmas lore and Santa Claus and fucking magic and all that insufferable shit.

This is at least just asshole neighbors. But Christmas is magic. It is magic. It's a magical time a year when Jesus. Jesus was born or died. Wait, what happened here? Eric is the one defending Christmas spirit and Andrew is the one saying, no, what is going on here?

Well, it's one of those things. And this is similar to Christmas the cranks to a lot of these Christmas comedies do this, which is like, oh, getting through the holidays. And I'm like, just don't. You know what I mean? Like, do less, you'll be happy. It's fine.

I think that's a good, but like, to your point, Like, you, you were kind of swaying it in the fact that you were putting this up against comedies. And, like, this has a dark heart. This thing is, there's something really wrong with the two characters at the center of this. That, like, I'm like, these are Hennekeh characters. You get, you get this kid, you put, you know, no hall, but Danny DeVito doesn't move into this place. We got a seventh continent happening in this house over at Matthew Project Lane. We are, it's happening.

I'm telling you this right now. The white ribbon had Christmas lights on it. I'm telling you. The kid, that's a festive ribbon. Wow, this village loves Christmas. Oh, man, that would be great to ask kind of if he's ever going to do the red ribbon or the green ribbon. To complete his Christmas trilogy. Dude, he'd fucking, he would spit right in your mouth.

Like, he would wait for you to start talking again until your mouth was open. He'd spit right in your mouth. Christmas is a death holiday. Get out of my face. So, yeah, this is Matthew Broderick as Steve Finch, town optometrist and a local dude with a stick shoved so far up his ass. His own breath smells like bark, this guy. Yes, he's begging to be funny games, by the way. Already from the first scene when we get him with this old lady, Miss Riler, it's already clear that this guy, if left alone,

would be just like, is on the suicide train. Like, they talk about how veterinarians and, like, dentists are always big ones, big ones on. Yeah, veterinarians actually overtook dentists in the last couple years. Oh, really? Wow. Yeah, yeah. If a large portion, yeah, exactly.

If a large portion of my profession was just putting animals to death, I'd be fucking on a list too. Oh, my God. Exactly. I would never. I would never work a day in my life. What you love? Would you love what you do?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, just looking at. Dead animals. Eric's favorite thing. Ed Geed over here. I love that this old lady patient looks exactly like the lady from Brazil. Yes.

Seeing her in a pseudo-medical environment, I was like, oh, man, is he going to be stretching her face out in this optometrist office? You know what? Paces you off, though. I'm sorry, Steve, to interrupt you, but this really burn my buns here.

You know, almost any other movie studio who's putting a movie like this out, they would hold it back. Like, maybe they put some bells. in the background, maybe it was from like, you know, some Christmas choir going on. Regency, these whores, they fucking have a candy

colored Regency logo. Dude, yeah, that's cheap. For Deck the Hall. Yeah, come on. Not like a big adaptation of some big thing or like a remake or anything. The shitty movie where two absolutely insane people go loggerheads at each other

over fucking who has more Christmas spirit. Well, that's, I wish it's a movie. What you just described is a movie that has, what this movie does not have, an engine whatsoever. It is so inert. It is so like, this scene happens and then it sort of just stops. And then he goes somewhere else. And then something happens to him. And then something, like, I don't know, is this working for you?

Like, old lady with glasses? Well, old lady's hot. I don't know. Yes, I look hot. This is a great scene. And we're all downhill from here. This lady says, I look hot. And you know exactly what kind of movie this is.

for sure. Also, the other problem with it is like the first half of it or so, and like, by the way, the credits are like barely finished rolling in my house and we're doing this episode. Like I was like, it was a real fucking photo finish getting this rewatching under the gun here. But they make

a big deal about, oh, the fucking Christmas carnival, this winter carnival that Matthew Rodericks, the fucking Pope a chilly town about this winter carnival, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, doesn't that event happen like three quarters of the way through the movie? And then there's all this other movie. That should have been

the natural ending. And also the character motivations are just so weird. It's like Matthew Broderick wants a classy Christmas and then Danny DeVito wants to see his house from outer space on the new Google Earth type of thing. Yes. That's how is that a movie?

It's not. To your answer for you, it's not. Eric, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you this right now. The problem here is I hate to say it, but Daveytovita's character drives me absolutely insane because the whole thing is like he's a car salesman and what we find out is he's great at cars like he could fucking do it a lady with white a ketchup popsicle a lady with white gloves he can do that shit he can absolutely do that shit and yet he is also supposed to be like this loser yeah like we're treated to both at the same time and i'm like yep

yep i just can't stand it i can't so if he's so good at the job like what like why does the family have so much problems and that's what like you need him to be like a degenerate gambler or he made a bad investment on something and screw like something like that yes any of those you hear uh or i read the wikipedia it was like oh uh danny de vito plays buddy hall and his trove it moves in with his trophy wife tia and like trophy wife again did did a success of some kind you know and they all the success is danny de vito fucking bagging christian chenna i mean good lord dude that he won i'm sorry he fucking won. He looks like Danny DeVito

and he married that. And he's also not Danny DeVito. Like he's not like he didn't produce Pulp Fiction. He wasn't on taxi. He's just a guy though. It's like that. But that's all fine. But like in the movie she is not treated as if she

is a trophy wife. Yes. Like they don't make that the thing. Like there's no like Matthew Rogers like Holy how did you do this? Yeah. Sir. Well that's his that's his adolescent son's job. Yeah. Yeah. The kid wants to like

jizz all over this house, wants to stay there. Mom and dad, can I stay here because they also have twins. Too, to twins. Which we loved in the early on. We did, and we love a barely legal aspect. You got these two

girls at fucking Swedish Adoption.com. I don't understand. I mean, like, Krista Chanawith is beautiful, but like she's a fucking gnome person, just like Gaines there's no way they produce these two girls. Well, that's, that's a joke. The first joke is when they come down and, like, it's Davido.

Tall, girls, are you serious? Yes, exactly. But, like, oh, jokes. That's weird in this movie. That, oh, my God, the comedy in this fucking movie. We start the first part is really trying to show that, like, Matthew Broderick is the, like, the Pope of Chili Town just in general. Like, he walks around, there's some guy, like, asking him about the, like, tree ceremony, the Winterfest. And, like, it's the mayor.

The mayor is coming to this guy for advice. Because he runs it, I guess. Even though we don't even get much of that. That could be part of your big contentious thing there at the Winterfest where we get the skiing thing. Exactly. He's like, oh, what do you got? The bear doesn't even know. He's like, what do you got planned for Christmas Fest?

I can keep a secret. I actually kept the secret that the sheriff is a cross-fresser. I never told anybody. Here we go. Get ready for a lot of jokes about that guy. How about we get the old fucking red pen out and X that shit out of the movie? For whom? Like, it adds nothing to anything

except for a fucking jump scare when this guy's wearing a thong. Oh, wow. Sure. It's for your, your shitty, bigoted uncle, 2006. That's a knee slapper, boy.

It's just like, I don't know, it doesn't matter. Like, it's not even like at the end of the movie, like, it's again, like, in other movies, maybe at the end, he's going to be like, you know, now I want to live as a woman and, like, everyone goes, yay, or, you know what I mean? Something or, or maybe it matters in some way, shape, or form.

Sure. But it doesn't. It's just, again, Like, yeah, he just, he bends over, you see his ass crack, which I, you know, I don't know. It would be nice. It would be nice if things mattered. That would be really, really, really beautiful. Like, oh, so he goes home after this, after finding out the sheriff is a cross dresser, life change right there.

And then he gets home. And his wife, Charlotte from Sex and the City. Kristen Davis. Chris's Dave, thank you very much. Too many Christians. We can say they have the same name and they're the title cards right next to each other. like looking at that. We should burn the house out about that one. I didn't like looking at that.

No, I don't, two of the same names right next to each other? No, thanks. You know what? He's not wrong. It is kind of weird. I love that on the back of the box. I didn't like looking at that Eric Siska. Quote, yeah, that would be a good quote. Oh, yeah, take just part of the sentence out of context. Absolutely. By the way, real quick, Chris,

before we get home, at that tree with the mayor, they have a Maryland Monroe tree topper. And my note here says she's getting a piece of New England wood up in her hole. yeah that's pretty much what's what's going on because i don't think it's a joke right i don't know that it's a tree top or i think it's like a someone's just got a maryland monroe statue and of course the famous pose of the subway air is blowing the skirt up or whatever and this takes place in

massachusetts i think this is this is code now here's the thing uh code for what i don't know but uh the massachusetts thing though am i wrong here the first time they mentioned that it's Massachusetts is 50 minutes into this movie. That sounds right. It's whenever they're going to die. Whenever she says she's going to die because the door of the car is off. I don't know. I know the moment's

an iconic moment. It's so sexy. But you ever walk by a subway grate? And then like you smell it. Like, I don't know. I just feel like you'd want to take a shower after that for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. I wouldn't want anything exposed near that. No, I've never found walking over a subway grade to be sexually

exciting. No. That girl, but she smells like the five train. Get out of here. Eras, she's going to birth a chad. Smells like the five train of you're lucky. What's a chad? Excuse me? You'll find out in a few years. Aron, the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers, we're going to unleash

them on Cuba. Officer. I'm going to watch that while you give me a rough blow job like that movie blonde. Remember? Rough blow job? What is she using teeth? No, but he's like he's kind of pushing a little bit, I think. Of course he is. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, so he's, he's rough housing. She's not. Uh-huh. You see Blime? I see. No, I didn't. Horror the movie. No, dude, the movie that I had to fucking hear about it on both ends for about

two and a half months straight. No, I didn't watch that. Thank you very much. I did it as well, yeah. Smart move on both your, okay. We should get back to things that not, that don't matter. It's the thing. So his wife is cooking, and she's making a curry and quail eggs.

like raw quail legs and like I'm just like and she's supposed to be like oh my god this is disgusting uh honey but like I like it because I'm your husband or whatever the fuck the whole thing with this character and it's not a character so that's fine but like she makes a cookbook like that is all we know about her really is that she wants to make a cookbook because she I guess edits recipes for a living or something like that well she's a cookbook editor and has dreams of making her own cookbook I mean that's something like You don't take any moment to be like, oh, my God, but her cookies are incredible. Like, oh, my God, this thing is fantastic.

It's no, it's just like, oh, I'm stupid and I don't know how to cook. Cookbook. Well, yeah, there's a line that she, like, finds other people's recipes and compiles them. I guess it's part of her editor job, but like, I don't think she's passionate about cooking. I don't know. Oh, well, to be, to be clear, nobody's passionate about anything in this movie. Yes, that's true, because fucking Broderick's supposed to be Mr. Christmas, and I don't get that passion from him at all.

No, it never happens. Like, the most excited, he is at the beginning of this, you know, they get pizza and they're sitting down and he's like, do you guys know what it is? It's December 1st. Here's the Advent calendar. And like, very pointedly, by the way, we're not saying Advent, Steve. Did you notice that? Yeah, it's a Christmas calendar.

What's that about it? Is that taking the Christ out of Christmas, dude? We don't want to confuse people. Don't want to get it confused there. I think that's exactly what it is. It's like people who don't play with that show. They aren't going to know, yeah. But we cut to them, him and Kristen Davis going to bed.

And she's like, you over did it with the Christmas, hon. You know, you do that. You always do this. And this is not in the other thing. I'm like, I didn't see him do that. Like, I want to see the scene where he's like, and then on December 3rd, we're going to do this. And December 6th, we're going to get in formation and we're going to take a Christmas picture. Then it's going to be our favorite.

You know what I mean? Like that would set up the movie and make, I'd be like, oh, wow, this guy's really into Christmas. Thank you. I don't get. I see him with no joy ever. That could be a framing device. advice like a Christmas vacation. They literally do that with the calendar.

They'll be seen Christmas vacation for sure. Oh absolutely. And said I wish we could do that and then made this movie instead. Well, the other problem is, and this is the way you make this movie work because Broderick's whole like

obsessive-compulsive controlling kind of Christmas. It's not that like he goes all out. I mean he does, but that's not the problem. The problem is like the organization it would have been funnier if this movie turned into him and DeVito and it's who has the craziest Christmas decoration set up it's right there it's fucking right there

world to do that and the fact that Matthew Broderick doesn't participate means that his character spends the whole movie just being bothered by it and that's not fun to watch and it's weird to like you're the Christmas guy why would you be bothered by you're making him the Grinch now yes it doesn't because I like I like everything tidy. I like everything to be nice and neat when I'm Christmas man. I guess because it's so gaudy is what he's doing, right? Yeah. Oh, right. Like he's cheaping it. Cheaping and it's

right. Yeah. And modern. It's very modern. They move in the middle of the night. Uh, the, the, the, what do you call it there? The halls do. Which why are you doing that? Because he's wacky. Yeah, but like you presume that's going to lead to something like as to why they did it. but not really. There's so many no set-ups without punchlines, like just orphans all over this movie that, like, just like...

Oh, yeah, those scripts drop in orphans, dude, left and right. It really is, though, you're like, oh, wow, that's gonna... Oh, no, we didn't do that. Okay. And not even an interesting way, in a way of just like,

oh, no, you missed spot. You know what I mean? Right, exactly. Rename this movie that a shitty horror movie, the orphanage. Because it's fucking everywhere, man. It's the whole fucking movie. Dude, this little disgusting.

Justin Shipboy that plays the son whose name is like Carter or something like that? Right. That's problem number one by the way. Yeah. Apologize to Carter's out there. It's really fucking funny though, right? Because we learn

50 minutes after this scene that we're talking about that this movie takes place in Massachusetts. Okay. But this kid, this little DSB that we have on our hands here, he's got a fucking Wrigley Field Chicago accent that he's trying real hard to flatten.

And in, like, most of the movie, he can't. And it's, I love when this happens where it's like, why is the one kid in your family from Chicago and no one else is, you clearly hear it. And we want this man to be, we want him to be a professional young man. He's, you know, oh, what have I accomplished at 10? Oh, boy.

Oh, that's a weird thing. That's an orphan, too, because it's, in the beginning, it's set up like, hey, you have the great Alia Shahqad, like, an amazing comedic actress, who was an amazing comedic actress at this time, wasn't even like she hadn't found herself yet given nothing to do but sulky girl with big tits that's all we get until we uh we like sort of rip off that mean girl's scene real quick for two seconds for fun but carter is like he's got this thing is like oh boy i've never i'm having a midlife

crisis and i'm 10 then that needs to do something you know what i mean like yes that's and then like maybe he finds out like wow i guess i did something after all at the end of the movie it's so easy to do that. Well, why don't you just, you know, say you played a video game and nothing else? I'm like, oh, I did legendary mode on Halo. That's a character trait. That's a fucking huge

achievement, by the way. I mean, Jesus Christ, that's hard as hell. That is. It's fucking hard, man. I know. I agree. I could never do that. I would like to watch the man play it, if that's true. I would like to see how cool. Well, no, you're not, you're not paying. No, no, no, you're not licensing footage from the game Halo, Chris.

To that point, these are non-character. they don't know they've nothing to do besides to sit there they literally like barely even react to their parents or anyone they really they do sloppily try to clean up the kids midlife crisis thing when ali is shock yes character is like oh he does this every year around christmas he gets he pretends to get all depressed and sad because he thinks people will feel sorry for him and give him bigger christmas presents but like if that if that's the case then you got to have this kid be like yeah you got me or like whatever because it doesn't fully seal the deal on what's going on

here. Maybe it's just seasonal depression. This kid is going through it. Early adopter. That sounds great. Early adopter. So the next morning, Danny DeVito is trying to steal Matthew Brodick's paper. He gets caught. The first fucking day

you're in this neighborhood, you're stealing the newspaper, man. Come on. Insane. Who question? I mean, I guess this is a dumb question. Who is more I will say who's more famous and also who is more like, for lack of a better word, legendary, Danny DeVito

and or Matthew products are both Danny DeVito, right? It beats him in every category, right? Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. And Roderick's had a good career, but like just nothing. But DeVito keeps on winning no matter what he's in. He's entertaining

even in a terrible movie. He's entertaining in fucking Jersey Mike sub-commercial for Friday. Exactly. I'd much rather watch those, but... Give me a compilation. If you stitched all of those together, I would so much rather watch those than this movie. And, I mean, like, I don't want to, like, Matthew Broderick is really good. He is very entertaining.

I find him very entertaining. 30 Rock, he's amazing. He's really good at 30 Rock. I think my favorite adult performance of his election, probably. Oh, yeah. Yes, which was a big boy. Several years before, this was like, this was a low point, right? And then he gets.

Well, yeah, it's a low point. I was going to say, though, because it's kind of funny in this, in this movie, I'm going to say, because he's kind of playing the same character. where it's a stuff shirt guy is mad at the crazy guy that everybody else loves that's him and the cable guy yes that's true his character in the cable guy is him being like

come on the cable guy's crazy and they all love Jim Carrey and he's doing it better in cable guys the big difference is he's noticeably embarrassed to be in this movie he is I mean literally like the part did you read the trivia? The trivia says that he was like repeatedly saying on set that he's hit rock bottom by being in the oh man smell it you could because the moment when

uh which is uh the who's your daddy which we'll talk about ad nauseum i'm sure yeah he is just like he knows yes to say it because it's in the script he goes who is your daddy you know what i mean like he doesn't give it anything no you're right there's no there's no fucking stink on that delivery he's just like here's the words that are on the page and now they're going to come out of my mouth he's just he's noticeably embarrassed me in this movie i think the entire film i think one of his biggest problems was doing inspector gadget to begin with because that hit the same year's election and then it's like i don't know about this guy yeah yeah before this when you got like the

stepford wives which is also not great um then he's in some like in the late aughts he's in stuff you would never ever heard of right then she found me diminished capacity finding Amanda wonderful world what are these movies no idea margaret is great and then tower heist comes around he's also doing a lot of Broadway at this point that's what he reinvented himself as a Broadway guy

yeah the producers most especially and he does you know the producer's movie was 2005 but the producers itself was well way before that yeah I guess yeah but he's he's been a stage dude like literally forever got it so right the producer's movies the year before this

oh you know you know what fucking though, here's one where I bet you anything. He thought, here we go Broderick, this one, it's a voice thing. Mike Myers, eat your heart out. Tale of Despero. He's Despero in that movie and nobody cares. Oh, weird.

Is he playing a mouse? Yes, he is. Is he voicing a mouse? He absolutely is. I found my niche. Hello! Well, now, you know, it's great because I've been studying for this role by sleeping in a matchbox my entire life. You're telling me that's

stinking son of a bitch got Stuart Little. Are you serious? God fucking damn it. Get Chambalot on the horn. I'm going to be fucking furious about it. But so he's getting the, he catches Danny Beard's oh hey I want to introduce myself

I'm Buddy Hall and then Kristen Shedith comes over. And yes, I do think that Broadwick at least is like what the hell is go? How much money? How big this guy's fucking hog? Did he fucking buy this woman? Jesus Christ. Okay, so that was a third leg.

Okay, well, boy. We should mention it, but this is the penis reveal outside. Looks like we got a visitor. Don't put the little guy away on my count. Oh, she's so funny. He just has his fucking, he's just, he's got it out for air. Yeah. Cold weather.

He doesn't notice it. You would have to. You would notice it. Maybe that's how incensed he is to be losing the newspaper. Well, here's a second son of a bitch. Actually, Eric and Chris, you two can answer this. Eric and Andrew and I can't, although Andrew might be. able to, former experience.

So living in the suburbs, do you just wake up and you put your robe on, you just start walking around, not just the house, but the neighborhood as well? Not once. No. Is that what happens? Never once. I, you know, I will take the garbage in in a row. Oh, my God. Oh, I like that. Here we go. But, you know, I'll actually, you know, here's

a thing. I will, if I'm going outside, I'm not free, free fly in there, you know? Yeah, yeah. You put on some sweats, short, sweatpants, something. You know? Blockers. You need something to blockers. That's what I do. That's what I do. I'm going out to get a bagel. I'll put some, like, you know, some reasonable pants on in a hat.

You know what I mean? You're not wearing a bathrobe to the bagels. No, I have not. No, but it would also be very weird for a neighbor to come over and just like, hey, how's your day going? Yeah, that's true. That's also just like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I've never spoken to my neighbors, really, so.

I have, but, like, just like, when I'm walking the dogs or something and, like, you bump into someone, that's fine. And you say, sick balls. Yeah, I see. Nice. Oh, man. Hey, Mr. Es's, I'm liking those balls. I think where they live now, my mom, for whatever reason, like, got into, like, knowing the neighbors more. And, like, one neighbor, like, they've gone over to the house. And I can tell you right now, I know for a, I haven't talked to him about it.

It's never come up in private. I guarantee you my father hates that arrangement. He fucking despises neighbors. Like, it's always been a thing, like, keep to yourself. keep the fucking door closed. No, I don't want to buy this from you. No, I don't want to go to this party. Like, oh, but also my dad will go out in the robe,

but there's always a pajama pants on and a shirt. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's not fucking free-balling it throughout the neighborhood. Andrew, your mother brought me to a pre- Thanksgiving dinner. And I don't know how to tell you this, but I saw the man's penis. He just, he decided to do it all in a robe. God. What am I supposed to do in things like this?

Do I shoot them? It was a pre- Thanksgiving dinner, and I'm going to write down the word that they said that I won't repeat. Friendsgiving? Yeah, I won't say that. That's not something I want to say. One time we moved into a house, and the neighbors came over to say hi, and the lady goes, oh, I noticed you have a teenage daughter. Maybe she could come over and do some babysitting if she's looking to make some money,

and my dad was just like, yeah, that's not going to happen. Straight of, just shot the, it was like, no, she's not looking for that. Like, totally was like, no, go fuck yourself. Amazing. Now, Andrew, do I still say Friendsgiving, is that culturally sensitive enough? I'm a little, okay. By the way, in this penis scene, I'll call it the penis scene. Of course, yeah.

DeVito says, you don't have a cat, do you? Because I dropped a fridge on one last night. Yes. Most of it ran away. This guy is a menace. And the weird thing, it's so weird, like, again, this movie is Broderick's perspective, Broderick's perspective, so it's like the Matthew Broderick movie, which makes sense. But then you go and like see Danny DeVito at work, you're like, well, that shouldn't be.

You know what I mean? And then like, it kind of opens up from there, but in a bad way, I think. Right, so we're at the dealership and we get Laughlin Monroe. Yes. That is how you know it is 2006. Yes, exactly. And seats deleted for sure. Definitely, because he's uncredited in the movie, apparently. So is Cal Penn, which is weird.

Which is crazy. Weird. And he bets them, like, you know, you can't sell these cars or whatever. And he sells it to the owner of the dealership. And he pays it. Yeah, he says, that's how good he isn't. Yes. Yeah, it's this weird, like, we bet you $3,000.

You just go out to that tire kicker out there, they call him. Yeah. You know, sell him that car. The joke there is that, yes, he owns the dealership. Hey, boss, you're out there just kicking the tires again? Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, you're crazy. We got a new guy, I guess.

Maybe this was from like a totally different script or something, too, like thinking about how it's all Broderick's perspective and not so much like with DeVito or whatever. But like the things that they leave, like trying to gin up like mystery about it. about Danny DeVito, like the moving in the night, he's really good at selling the car to the fucking owner of the dealership like that kind of stuff. Like, I was kind of expecting at some point it's going to be revealed like it was like a con

con man family, like that showed the riches. Sure. Or something. They were just all like these. Hey. They were like these seasoned con people or something because otherwise like all the. Yeah. No, you just have to explain it in some way because why do they have financial problems later on in the movie because he's doing all the lights

and it's like, but if you're this good of a salesman, and you're buying houses in the middle of the night like what's the issue there's a very important scene between him and he he sells the boss he comes home from work

and she's like how did the first day go and he's like oh you know I sold a car by first five minutes this is great you know I'm so I'm so happy you have to stick with this you know I know that you get this always happens

you start out strong and then you get bored and then next thing I know we have moving boxes yada yada yada he's going back was like yeah I'd love to do something great she's like yeah I would love to be out of debt so let's just put a pin in that they're in debt at the beginning of this movie yeah

before he goes Christmas crazy they are in serious financial trouble and before he buys back the priceless face that he fucking hawk to buy more goddamn Christmas stuff which is weird like because the whole point with stuff like that is to suggest that money doesn't really matter right like

if a guy's that good at it like hey that's supposed be like oh he's the most charming guy he can get anybody to do whatever but also it's supposed to be like oh you don't have to worry about money in this movie but like at some they bring up the money shit all the time and i just i don't understand the thinking here yeah because basically um christin davis brings uh uh a la shikat and the other kid over to meet them and to do a carpool for the morning for the school i guess they all go to the same school and we meet christin chedith with uh she says that she was a nude model at art school and that's how daddy they she met daddy vito because he was lurking in the window it's pretty funny carter has just

ruined his pants looking at a painting oh yeah dude just send the kid home go up to it's like right to the laundry room with you mister i know what's going on and and she you know he's like staring like christend davis is kind of funny but it's also kind of weird just like put your jaw back in carter and it's like i i this is awkward Don't call it out. You just fucking humiliate this kid like that? What are you kidding me? No, it's my penis that was affected.

I'm sorry, ma'am. And then this, here comes the two twins. Is it? My honeies. My honeys. Dude, he's calling them the honeys. That's weird, Danny DeVito. Emily and Ashley are the two.

And like, they're gorgeous and Carter. It's like, can I live here? And like the outfit, I mean, thankfully the two girls were of, of it. illegal age, the outfits they put them in, get a good look at Stanza is left and right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which is the point. It's for the dads, I guess, right? It's absolutely for the dads, yep.

Well, I mean, this is the characters in this, Broderick more than DeVito, but they both, Christmas is a sexual kink for both of them in some way. Like they are both very excited by the idea of like Kristen Chenoweth at some point, it off says that like a special holiday

offers uh is how she refers to sex oh right why I fucking miss that her actually her first line her first line in the movie is like so Danny DeVito is meeting them at the doorstep and she's like oh honey we just measured the bedroom and the ceiling's too low

so we have to get a shorter pole oh right yes okay yeah I'm a fuck factory I'm having sex you know like just it's I'm going to give her my red-nosed Rudolph, you know what I mean. We had to leave the other 15 kids back in Minnesota. We couldn't keep them all.

We just, I keep on popping them in her. Poping them in her. That's what we get. I mean, but so, yes, Danny Debutton comes home. He has this big conversation with Chris Chedda with. And then the honeys call them over like, hey, dad, it's this new thing called satellite earth or whatever.

He's like, oh, wow. Can you see our house? No, you can't see our house. And then spark of madness. Yeah. Like that, that little stupid thing that Steve just suggested breaks his brain. It's over. Why?

Why? You can care. It's not like, you know, like, I don't know, it's just, it's a, it's a fact of landmass. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Here's how it could matter, though, right? So here's the thing. They've got money problems, right?

The town is doing some thing, and this would get Broderick, you know, back in the competitive part of it that I was talking about. There's a cash prize for the fucking best decorated house or whatever, and it's a huge amount of money. And it's like, oh shit, I'd better decorate my house that I can get my hot family out of debt.

Right. And then we could like have you know, broader X, like, well, I win every year or something, you know? Yes. He's depending on it. Well, that's the thing, too. Let's have conflict in this fucking movie. Similarly, like crucification again you have the advent calendar as the sort of structure but again the threat looming over the whole movie is is he going to get his bonus and it's enough of a thing that when at the end of the movie that happens it feels like a movie you know what I mean absolutely because it's not just like is he going to get it he does all the conversations about pool he's already put the down like there's actual like Chevy Chase has skin in the game when it comes to that fucking Christmas bonus it's not just like ooh cool you know extra

money for the year. There's a thing on the line. There's groundwork the movie does because it's an actual movie. And then you can have your little holiday jaunts. You could do the sled scene. You could do the fucking shopping seat. You know what I mean? All that stuff can happen. Yep. Because you have something underneath it that is going to make the movie a movie at the end of you. Yeah. It's like you have a plot and the window dressers of comedy here. You try to do the opposite. It's like the comedy's not funny enough to sustain this. No. And then this is his line, though, as he's, like, rapidly growing insane, he's just like, I'm not going to be invisible anymore. And I'm like, are you turning into another Batman villain? What kind of a thing is that

to say? Well, there's a weird, Danny DeVito has a couple of votes. One, it's Frank, which we love, which is like the disgusting grout, brash, nah, Danny Divino. But then there's also shared little, I'm kind of like a little boy, Danny DeVito. Right. Oh, Joe Baba from Detroit. I feel so shit. He's kind of like that in Renaissance man, a little bit. I'm just a little bit of a loser ad-execke. I love my daughter. I'm a tiny little loser, my little shoes.

I want to keep... This guy wants to keep Mama on the train. He likes to Mama. He wants to keep her on the train, not throw her off like some monster. And he dips in there, like, Junior, too. You know, it's like up and down kind of a thing. What do you get sheds? Like, I'm just a little guy.

My dreams are so big. I'm just so small. Oh. But in the right movie, that could be affected. Yes, yes. Usually is. So he decides, I mean, in that night, he just puts up all these lights. Three o'clock in the morning, man, I'm calling the cops. You know what I mean?

Like, if you're going to be that kind of neighbor, Matthew Broderick, just fucking call the cops. And just be like, hey, noise violation, go over there, deal with it. But guys, you can't because in this new America, the sheriff's getting dressed in women's underwear at night. It's true. So now I can't call the cops on someone. I'm so glad that I voted the right way and that guy will be executed one day. Yeah, they might fire a thong at me.

Did you ever think of that? Poker eye out with one of those things. It's just wrong around my neck. He goes over there and he's like, do you know what time it is? And, you know, the, Danny DeVito, I don't even know, this part I don't understand like.

Oh, like he, when he's acting like data from Star Trek the next generation? I do not understand sarcasm. I'm a robot. He's like, oh, you know, why don't you give me a hand signal? What are you going to start talking weird? I'm like, you're a person, right? Like, you sell cars?

Like, you know, like, what sarcasm and jokes are, right? Or is he being an asshole? I don't know. Maybe that's part of the fucking mystery. They moved in at night. He's uncannily good at selling cars. They're fucking aliens, man. Yeah, that would make sense.

It's a gleep-glop family, and they're doing their best to adapt. Absolutely. Exactly. That's why the twins are actually clones. with whatever the the opposite of the cone heads. I don't know what. The small heads.

I don't know. Oh, man. But yeah, so this is like them they get off, you know, I'm the wrong foot or whatever. Yeah, he doesn't understand sarcasm. He doesn't understand metaphors. That's the other thing.

So they do this like, let's start over. And he doesn't understand. He thinks he means it literally, which is ridiculous. But so this is like, I got to go bigger. I don't have enough lights in my freaking house.

And he's buying out the hardware store this is I got to tell you there's other people that need Christmas decorations at the last second man he's clearing these people out jerk move absolutely what an what an a hole well I guess this is like now it's like 12 2 you know what I mean

there might be another shipment coming in here's the thing is we are maybe just before that massive but you're right there's probably another shipment coming in but this might be before that massive cultural shift right because Broderick is like oh December 1st of course that's when you decorate or whatever now it's right

after Halloween. It's the next day. I feel like anything before Thanksgiving is way too early. I agree with you. That's insane. I mean, although I give everyone, it's funny, we were walking up, me of my wife, walking around the neighborhood last night, we saw this house decked to the nines that I turned to her

and I was like, that's election depression. That's what that is. That's absolutely. It is absolutely election depression. I think that's what I was going to say. It's that and it's just like the state of literally everything. You know, I'm at a point now where it's like, I don't need the stores

to be selling candy and shit right after, but like if you want to put shit up all through November if it gives you some sort of solace in this housecape, go right ahead. Because you know what, frankly, I don't mind looking at Christmas decorations. There's going to be a lot of first timers this year. I'm going to tell you

that much. I give everyone a pass for 11-7. But it's just decorations though. My thing is it's just decorations. No fucking music and no candy and, you know, whatever. you know, that kind of stuff. Like the right aid changes over like immediately. Right. No, no pretending you are Santa,

no trying to change who you are growing a beer, getting fatter. I mean, that's going to happen too during this. Oh, definitely. It's done been happening. So this is the scene where it's an out of control fucking sleigh here because the guy at the hardware stores got this big, beautiful horse-drawn carriage and Danny DeVito, ponies up the money to buy this thing from this guy. Again, what's going on with the credit cards here?

And he's got reindeer, which are horses with their antlers duct tape to their heads. Am I mistaken? Did he say you just found the horses? Outskirts of town, I believe, I heard. Yes, it was a legitimate laugh for me. He's like, hey, Matthew Broderick, I found these horses on the outskirts of town. I think they might be a little skittish. Look how good he is.

He could sell. anything he can he can he can entrance animals and command them steal horses and this is like the problem too is because Broderick is about to get his family ready for uh their holiday picture which we wear the same sweater in front of the fucking fireplace congratulations awful uh classy move and just like none of the like being a straight man isn't just like and again i think this is just be matthew barton being just a straight straight man in comedy terms yes being the straight man in the comedy you just yes you are the one that's not doing the wacky thing but there's still funny stuff happening yeah absolutely there has to be or else it's boring

and that's what he's like no this is the proper way to do it oh no something crazy's happening now i'm gonna be in a cg i horse whoa it would have to be a different year like this was 2006 so if you did this in the 90s you could still have danny devedo but you know who would fucking rock in the Broderick role, Charles Groden. Oh, sure, exactly. Groden would have fucking hit this kind of a roll out of the park. He'd find the way to make it funny.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's, and he would, like, find little ticks and, like, just, and again, like, if you don't believe in the project, you just want to take the money, I can't blame you, but, you know. Yeah, but don't waste my time too, pal, right? Exactly. I have to watch this piece of shit.

Yeah, why don't you fucking try, man. This is my job, man. Don't bring down the whole crew by being like, oh, I'm at rock bottom like publicly saying this is the worst thing you've ever been associated with? That's not on set leadership from the star of the film? I also, I am

not entirely sure. It certainly is in the running. This might not be his worst movie. Oh, no. I haven't looked, I haven't crunched the numbers, but like I would bet you this is not the one. We got to get you in the lab. I might have to. Let me. I'm going to take a look

right now. I'm going to go crunch a number. Oh, you know, we should do Yes, family business of 1989, Broderick Connery and Dustin Hoffman are like criminals for some reason. Yeah. Really? Yeah. They're all family. How have I dodged this?

I've never seen it. It's really bad. And I feel like Dustin Hoffman, like Connery is like the grandfather and Dustin Hoffman's his son, which makes no sense in the universe. I think that's strange. Sydney Lumet directed. Yeah. Oh, man, it's bad. But so, like, Matthew Broader, they're like, about taking the picture. They're like, oh, my God, there's reindeer next door.

And they go, oh, fuck, this son of a bitch is taking my Christmas away from me. Just because he acts like he's alive and stuff. Well, that's it. You know what? We're pushing the time table for the family in isolation up, I suppose. But the family is all excited about these horses. Sure. So they all run outside.

and the kid gets up in the sleigh. And then this is where Danny DeVito lets it rip about found these horses on the outskirts of town. And Broderick freaks out. Like, oh, they're not, like, trained horses. They're not broken and whatever. So, like, he tries to get the sun off because he's nervous.

And wouldn't you know it? They just start running once Matthew Broderick's the only one on the sleigh. Is this doing anything for you? I don't know. What about a wild horse? It's almost nice when he falls into that icy lake and nearly dies. That was a nice part. I mean, he's dead.

I'm sorry, there's no one near him. He is dead. Yeah. Some of the worst CGI, though, you will see. Like this, the sleigh dropping through this ice and the water mist that they have shoot up. Yes.

It looks terrible. Wow. You know, fan theory here, he dies. Oh, wow. And the rest is his brain sort of like murmuring things that might happen next before he goes. The last few sparks. Yeah, I can see that.

I think so he wakes up and he's in the back of a van and he's in a sleeping bag naked with Danny DeVito and Danny DeVito's like I had to get your body heat up but this is going to work and it's like I get it but it's like I don't know am I being gay you making me gay it's 2006 there's constant gay panic in this sheriff Dave this scene where yeah no honest if you follow on a like sorry it might have to your penis because we're taking those clothes off. You're going to die. Well, exactly. Tell me that. You grab your talk at the moment? Because that's the question. You got to warm that up. It's your thermometer right there. Here's the thing. You know, I'll see

your gay panic, but I'll also raise you, hey guys, it's also because he's naked next to Danny DeVito. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, you'd have a different reaction if it wasn't Danny DeVio. Well, wouldn't that make you? But if you're I mean, under those circumstances, wouldn't that

make you feel better about yourself. Hey, I'm tall as hell. All my hair is where it's supposed to be. Like, you know, like, I don't get that necessarily. Oh, wow. This is what Shaquillo O'Dill must feel like every day. Holy crap. This is him in like a Frank from It's Always Sunny mode.

Right. Because he's got a great light. He goes like, because Brodwick's like, does that even work or something like that? And he goes, yeah, I've done it like a half dozen times. Yeah, a dozen times is pretty funny. And he goes, wah, yeah, yeah.

That's the thing. It's like, the punchline cannot be, la, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's not anything. That's just, why not? It's a way to get out of a scene, certainly, I understand that.

But it's not very funny. Well, this is way funnier if he just plays it like, all right. Yeah. And lets out a big Charles Groton-esque sigh. Or even if it is, you know, even like, I hope that's your big toe. Like something, that's a joke.

at least. You know what I mean? This movie doesn't know how to get from scene to scene. We even get the egregious, you know, commercial break kind of ending for a scene. So many of them. Yeah, just like fade to black and fade in. We were we're like premeditating TNT right now. Yes. I was going to say,

you are anticipating this being broadcast on TNT or the Super Station or some shit. When Danny DeVito finds out that he was behind, there was some big thing that Broderick was behind, that's the biggest one. It's like, he's like in the middle frame like he did it fade to black yes yeah with with the power outage thing uh so that we cut back and christian davis like wow you're you should be thankful he saved your life and look

he made our own christmas cards this is you uh photoshopped in with us he's like blue or whatever and it's like that's kind of funny it is kind of funny she's like she's like oh you got the cute little oxygen tube going through your nose and he's like yes i can see that and she goes to thank them. And also, by the way, I really like Chris and Cheddar with. So we're becoming friends. So shut up. And to thank them, we're going Christmas tree shopping tomorrow. But Christmas tree shopping,

I have my special Christmas trees already for me. Oh, my God. You know, I've never heard of anything like this in my entire life. This seems like a bit of an overreach here. This is the kind of insane stuff that they should have poured moron with this character. But like, anybody

out there, is your family owning like a fenced-in plot and you're growing your own Christmas trees well in advance. This is very strange. That seems like a way to trick the government into having to grow house. No, no, we're growing Christmas trees. You know what? Not a bad idea, A.

You know, like, someone's got to do this, right? People are fucking insane for Christmas. Well, yeah. That's true. I think there are people who do this for sure. Yeah. It's just weird. He's like, I have the next five Christmases all planned out.

And also the weird thing where he says, like, every year, They have to have the same, like, type of tree as their Christmas tree? The Silver Noble or something, I've heard of it. Good God. But here's the thing. And this is why this movie sucks is the joke is, look at my great Christmas tree lot, blah, blah, blah, blah. Daily, me, is like, ah, that's, that's kind of gay or whatever he says.

And he goes, you know what, whoever gets, we're going to chop out a regular tree. Whoever gets the car last is a loser. And he's got a chainsaw, which you kind of just see, you never see him use. He's just holding it. and then he accidentally knocks over gasoline and you're like, where did this gasoline come from? Unless you do the mental math of saying, oh, no, he needed to load that up for the chainsaw.

You know what I mean? You need to see him do that or else it takes you 10 minutes to be like, where do this fucking gas come from? I looked at it and I was like, that's the gas for the chainsaw. Yeah, I guess so. Of course, but like can't you have a B unit director do like a close in of them trying to load up this fucking thing with gas? Yes, exactly.

And then Brodook's like, oh, that looks awfully loud or something. You know, then we've got a setting to, you know, a baseline that we can hit. I'll tell you what. My father tells me, we're going to do a Christmas tree forest that we are going to own. I am seeing either the divorce or the suicide coming miles away. When this becomes the thing that you are focusing on, I'd be like, mom, you need to talk to dad. Take him to a therapist. or something.

This needs to be handled because, like, as much as I do know there are people who do this, like, it is such a weird thing to be like, I need to have this just in case we run out of trees for Christmas. He says he spent the last 15 years growing

these trees. What the fuck is wrong with you? God damn it. The gasoline's going. He uses an axe to cut down the tree and he acts and lights everything on fire and he goes, oh, my tree. And I mean, again, also,

you don't want to see a funny tree. go on fire, a tree go on fire in a funny way, watch Christmas vacation, better movie, just check that off again. This is kind of just what happens in the first episode of Taylor Sheridan's Landman. Oh, is it really? Wow, okay.

It's an insane it's like, not to like spoil too much, but like an oil guy is hitting a wrench to try to get it to turn and they don't know that there's a gas leak and he hits it and a spark happens and

three dudes are instantly incinerated. I'm going to tell you this right now, brother, spoil all you like. Spoil away. I actually, to your heart's content. I fell asleep during that episode. I can't wait to go back. I know that men are on fire.

Oh, dude, yeah. I'm, I watched both episodes of Landman. Dude, it's Billy Bob Thornton doing his, like, Bad Santa character just on the oil field. That's exactly what I thought. It was bad.

He's doing Bad Santa. Are we going to do a Landman, uh, gleepe glossary next year perhaps we'll see I don't know you guys might want to brush up on land study up on landman

the Taylor Sheridan show yes and then the soundboard will be nothing but sling blade clip excellent or the sound he's just a land man or you should get a couple sounds of

bad Santa fucking women in the ass of course well that's yeah I always have that at the running of course So, I think the next day they're in town He's buying more fucking Christmas lights And that's the funny thing is Braddock's like, no, no, this is all going back That's where I'm like, you know what, dude, get the fuck out of my car Yeah, totally hands off the merchandise, pal

I might tell him, you know, Amazon.com does exist You could go and load up there It's like 40 minutes in the movie and he goes, you know, actually I'm kind of the Christmas guy around here, I'm like, that's what the thing should have been to begin with. You know what I mean? Like, it took way too long and he's like, you could have like Halloween or something. He's like, why do you go get Toad Jam Day?

Classic Danny DeVito line. Toad jam. Sure. But this is where like the town, the town like turns on him because they're now going to Danny DeVito for all the Christmas advice. The mayor is asking him about ornament placement on the tree and the town square and so on. And Broderick is being like just completely.

humiliated because he was indeed the Christmas guy great then what's his face because it just doesn't matter and like what's his face from Lost shows up oh Jorge Garcia yeah

and it's like what and like by the way you want to talk about scenes deleted Fred fucking Armisen who's like fourth build in this movie has one line and it's pretty funny but that's it I agree I thought it was funny when they're doing the Christmas caroling and he's German and he's like, do you guys have the ignorant snowman

because that would be a German Christmas girl? I love that joke. It's a funny joke, and Fred Arbison's great. He's just not in the movie. Yeah, exactly. The woman who's playing Gertz there with him is Gillian Bigman, who's like a TV personality who's been in a ton of stuff.

But she's also very funny. Oh, you know, she's somebody's wife or fiancé in those hangover movies. Sure. Oh. Maybe what's his face there, the one that gets left on the room? that makes sense but yeah

they're very funny and they're just like again like I think actually building up the town probably helps this movie because it gets you away from a very disinterested

Matthew Broderick and a very stupid Danny DeVito character you have like sillier stuff happening or like even seeing it through their eyes helps you know what I mean

like just some switchups because like I don't I really don't understand either of these characters like they make no fucking sense and I hate them Like any time you've got me in a room with this guy,

either of these guys, I fucking hate it. I only will take Danny DeVito because it's Danny fucking DeVito. What's really weird is the Jorge Garcia character, I thought this was like, oh, it's someone from Danny DeVito's past because he says, excuse me, meeting you is one of the greatest honors of my life. But it's because of the Christmas tree lights. Yes. Yeah, you think that's going to be something bigger.

Like, oh, I know Danny DeVito from a previous job as a whatever personality. I was waiting for that to happen. But no, it's about he put up Christmas tree lights this week. So it's the greatest honor of my goddamn life to shake his hand. Then we're having dinner at, this is when Kristen Chedith convinces Christa Davis to make her own cookbook, which doesn't matter. But it's like, now they're really friends. And also, brother's like, but I told you to do that. I've been telling you literally for years to do that.

that. Then this little pixie comes along and ruins everything. Where's my credit? God damn it. It is kind of great, though, because she's like, isn't that great like I'm going to write my own cookbook? And yeah, he responds like that. And then he's like, and also, I kind of don't give a shit because it's time for Christmas caroling rehearsal. Right. This is where we get the good joke about Gustav, Fred Armisen, saying, do you have the ignorant snowman? They're about to do their big caroling thing.

but then the DJ set pops off across the street at Danny Navito's house By the way, can I just add to a list of celebrities that wanted no part meeting me, Fred Arvison? Is that right? Oh, really? Yeah. Just know I was walking down like it was Union Square

like maybe two months ago. It was raining and so it was raining and he was like kind of just rushing past anybody but like he I look like a guy that's going to bother Fred Arvison. You know what I mean? Oh, you sure do. And he just kind of just gave me this look of just please don't

and just kind of Please don't It's raining Exactly I saw him at a craft work concert once Oh cool Yeah

I'm excited I did not Did not interact I have a fan I enjoy Frank Armisen's comedy I just And I don't know

But I wouldn't have bothered him in the rain Fred if you're listening Right He's got He's actually got another funny line Right here Because everybody's like

Running across the street To see all the lights or whatever And they Broderick and Kristen Davis Notice Alia shock like running away with her like sailor date or whatever and friend just goes

oh they're going to make kissing over there because that's of course another hang up of Broderick as he's like oh my fucking like 17 year old daughter is interested in boys and I got a real problem with it and the shirt they put her in is just like I get it dude it's for the dads it was for well I think it's also supposed to indicate

like the twins influence over her Because at first she's like, oh, my God, they're just like stupid blonde bimbos or whatever. But then they like become friends with one another. And this is when, you know, every night Danny DeVito starts throwing a party. This happened in the Bronx, but my best friend growing up lived right next to what was called the Christmas house.

If you watch the Mariah Carey, all I wanted for Christmas is you video, it was filmed there. So this is a round. Oh, yeah. And it was like four years. years, this very nice Armenian, very nice, very eccentric Armenian family, every year would do up their house with dolls and lights and blast music. And I mean, like, you could hear it from

a cross-pellum fucking parkway. And, like, my friend had to deal with it. His family had deal with it. There's, like, they came home one year, like, some little girl was peeing in their driveway. You know what I mean? Because everyone is just congregating in front of your house. house, which is right next to this house. See, this is already better plot ideas than some guy parking the car in front of your, you know. Exactly. Some little girl peeing in your

fucking driving. That's pretty funny. Piss nightmare is what we need. You're not laughing at the 80th. My daughter is fucking. Yes. Why? Why would she do that? Yeah, because that's right. This is about the time when Broderick's like, you know what? I'm going to

go get to the cops out of this son of a bitch. Also, pick up the fucking phone. Why do you have to go there? Why are you driving to the police station? Only because it allows you to make a scene in your drive, why you to complain about the people parking, and then hysterically rip your own doors

off your own car. Yes. Oh my God. And see the cross-dressing sheriff, of course. You get to go have that scene. You know, a rough guy, you know, not a rough guy. You know, like a blue collar-coated guy that's just like, oh, you could do it little buddy. Or you could hold my beer and I'll do it

for you. Oh, man. I'm laughing. he said, hold my beard. Oh, it's one of the great... It's 2006. It's great. One of the great American jokes. Yeah, it's that and who's on first. Yeah, there's two finalists.

Absolutely. The seven words you can't say on television, who's on first and this. Yes. Hold my beer. We get the doors ripped off. He gets to the sheriff and what do you know it? He's cross-dressing. Yes.

This guy, by the way, the actor's name is Gary. chalk um i think he uh made no um the cars salesman in this town locklin monroe because he plays the sheriff in freddie versus jason oh nice yeah he's a bunch of stuff he's kind of like a proto bill camp a little bit yes i actually thought it was bill camp for a second right right when i was watching it this afternoon and bill cam the great bill camp obviously oh boy i'll tell you i really wish i was with fred kruger again Working on this picture, I can't tell you. That Jason fellow, I would have loved,

I would love to be hanging out with him rather than with say. This is, this is just, it's right and right up there, fellas. I just, I don't know what to tell you. So this is where I think the town itself would draw the line. Because Tia encourages buddy to keep going with the lights. This is your thing, babe. You want to be, you want the house to be visible from space, yada, yada, So he decides, I guess, I don't understand how this aids in his mission.

Maybe this is more not the lights. This is to like piss off Broderick. This is where he's bringing in the live animals for the manger set. And like, dude, once you got a fucking camel on your front lawn, other people are getting involved. Yes. You bought yourself a camel. You also bought yourself a camel corpse because you are not going to be taken care of this or the other animals very well. We know what are you going to do after the fucking Christmas thing?

Are you now a camel owner? No, go, run free, camel, go. Oh, you have roast hump for Christmas. I will say in later years, the Christmas house didn't exactly take everything down. They just kind of like put like cloth over some shit, you know what I mean? In the off season, you know what I mean? That's amazing. See, that's a better movie, like this weird, just like covering the house up with cloth.

And it's a weird like mummy house during Halloween. They're an interesting family. Is there a camel skeleton in there, Stephen, of any possibly? Well, the weird part was, like, earlier on, like, I grew up, I grew up with, even before I knew my friend, I knew this, the, of the Christmas house, you would just go and see it. And, like, as a kid, it would be like Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse and all these dolls and shit.

But that as it got on and on and on, it was just a lot of, like, people in tuxedos and ball gowns, like, just walking around, like, moving around and, you know, mannequins and shit. Oh, what, mannequins? It just got weirder and weird. It looks like a... I'm sorry, I googled image search Christmas House Bronx and you can find pictures of this thing.

And now it is, it looks like a Texas chainsaw massacre kind of set up there. This is disgusting. This is scary. It is covered with dolls. Yep. And I... Skeleton bone couch, dude?

Me and my buddy Vince swab in their pool a couple times. A heated pool. Really? How'd you pull that off you? You said you were her baby Jesus? Ah! Oh, God. What the fuck?

oh yeah this is creepy yeah absolutely it's disgusting isn't it no thank you oh my god this is fucking disgusting oh they have like mannequins at some parts oh yeah there was that's what i'm saying the mannequin it was it didn't start as a mannequin centric thing but then the mannequin started becoming really the centerpiece you know full size the alvin and the chipmunks yes i would prefer to to live and die in the rat catcher apartment. Yes, absolutely. My God.

There are cherub little angels kissing each other. A terrified article in Gothamist from 2018, photos, colon, the legendary Bronx Christmas house is mysteriously

diminished this year. Remember when it was getting bad and it getting bad made the news? Yep, exactly. I mean, I think everybody kind of you know people passed away and people moved away it's it's no longer a thing but yeah yeah it's it is what it was it was a real

situation yeah the lot the Alvin of the chipmucks I'm looking at right now I remember those guys that was they look like they're five feet tall they were dude they fucking were the antithesis of Alvin and the chipmunks I mean what do they do with Christmas and this is around

where Christian Chinat with is starting to break like you might this might surprise everybody, including the men in this room here. But it's hard for a woman to get sexually excited for a man who's obsessed with Christmas lights. Yep. Yep. That is

a difficulty. I think it's hard to maneuver around that way. But like, yeah, Chris Chedewith is like, will you stop? I want to be supportive, but will you fucking stop this, please? And he's like, no, honey. I've given up on everything else. The Christmas lights are the thing. That's the thing I must

focus on. So the house can be seen from space you understand how does this fix who exactly by who and does this fix our debt problem no no not at all makes it worse at least even in the Christmas house they would get donations people

would just chuck money over there at their house that's what you have to do yes you have to because that's what I was referencing at the top of the show the electrical bills because also by the way he's fucking running extension cord secretly to Matthew Broderick's house and sucking off his

fucking criminal. Get out of here. So, like, these electric bills are going to be outrageous. David Vino's talking about he's running these lights to 4 o'clock in the morning. And I know like, you know, maybe the argument is like it's not the end of the month, but you know, maybe the bill comes due the 15th and the lights have been on. Maybe there could be some drama

with Matthew Broderick opening that letter. The bill can come at any time if the bill is $250,000 for the fucking 4 a.m. You're running lights for all the time every night. Are you doing this? And I don't understand the 4 a.m. part of it.

Like, if you're a reason, and again, I think, I believe the Christmas house was like this, like at like 11 o'clock or something, 10.30. You have to. You shut it down. It's a posted window of time. It has, exactly. 4 a.m. I mean, that's another thing that's kind of missing from this is because, like, yeah, they are, it's not like they're in the middle of the nowhere. They live in a suburban, you know, housing development.

Like, where are any other neighbors, like direct neighbors opinion about what's going on? they love it 4 a.m. Let's do it again. Everybody else loves it except for Matthew Broder. Matthew Broderick is the one problem here. Even his family is okay with it. It's just him. But that's what's weird though is like,

because the people who all love it are coming from like all around the town. You know, I was wondering like Broderick's guy next door like, oh, hey, Mr. Johnson, isn't it fucking crazy with all these lights and music to 4 a.m? No, it's the Christmas spirit. Or yes, this fucking sucks. Let's burn his house down. Flesh out the neighborhood. Fred Armisen could live next door and have an issue with it, perhaps.

Oh, it's just so gauche and fake, you know. It's not stock like on German Christmas. There you go, that's a joke. Every night, discotheque, discotheque. Yes. So they have a big, you know, blow up here where Broderick basically does this big stupid maneuver to throw snowball at Danny DeVito's like electrical fuel. fusebox or whatever and

oh my god shuts down the the lighting display and he's like oh I did it and then oh isn't it funny Danny DeVito's got this generator and Danny DeVito realizes oh Matthew Brodergan is the one trying to sabotage me so this is where

we get the hey I'm sorry about last night here's a new Christmas tree because yours was a little shitty one and also here's a car that I'm giving you really quickly I don't want I never want to escape a little kid boner the kid is stuck in a tree

like he's like doing surveillance for the dad and we've got uh oh the gal the twins are doing a pillow fight yeah oh god that's just we needed to

Brasers presents deck the halls here's your fucking scene man oh no I'm stuck even though we're twins we're step twins well it's going to be a white Christmas after all exactly oh there we go the biggest I mean I don't even know like other than

him landing in the camel shit, which I do appreciate, I don't want to, you know, and get and spit, like, camels apparently have nuclear waist in their mouth and he's spitting it on Matthew Broderick. Not bad, but he's decked, he got, he has spy, like,

hospital wear. He's in like a frog suit he's tactical, yeah, he's a operator. Man, they talk about fucking Danny DeVito being in debt. My God, Matthew Brodick. Well, he's a doctor at least. He's got, you know what I mean, and it seems like his wife's got a career even though, uh, Chris and Chedda

with, for all of her griping, doesn't seem to have any have a job. So that's true. No. But he's an eye doctor, though. What was the suicide rates on those guys? I think they're like eighth. Okay. We should. Yes, you're right, but you're right, Andrew. He gives him a car. And like, Kristen Davis is like, this is beautiful. We can't accept it. He's like,

but you got to accept it. I'm so sorry. And it's like, nope, we're going to car dealer. Even as an adult, I know, like, My buddy did work at a car dealership. And I wouldn't be like, hey, man, can you give me a free fucking car? Because it's not like you works at Blockbuster. They can get you best of the best two for free.

You know what I mean? That's a good deal. I'll tell you what. If I get a car and like, I mean, even from you guys, if I'm like, here, here's a free car. I am checking the fucking, the trunk is being checked for a body. I am like, I am looking for blood spots everywhere. Don't look at a gift horse in the mouth. Come on.

I will. I will absolutely lift I will look at the gift horse's mouth Cut to the beginning of the casino, dude I just feel like Someone gifting you a car It's really like Your spouse or partner

That's only you can do And that's it Or like maybe your parents I guess But like You're a neighbor man Huge red flag You know even though you work at a car dealership It's like all right

Where is like the title What's the insurance situation? What is the money? Yeah. Something has to be paid monthly and it needs to be under my name, right? Like, I need to sign something. This is coming from your secret arch nemesis even more so, I would say. Yes, exactly.

You should check this out. Your Christmas rival. Oh, my God. Oh, God. But he's like, wow, you know, that guy, that buddy's a good guy. He got me a whole fucking car that I'd never have to pay for. Excellent. And he's driving around, feeling pretty good.

You know, he goes into the center of. town now, right? This is where it's like, oh, Vandals cut down the town Christmas tree and he's like, wait a bit. Right, because he's got this new tree also from Buddy Hall. Now, should this

be one of those moments where I'm stupid? Yes, I'm going to, I'm going to ignore that and be stupid. Is this his assistant or something? It says you have to pay the car by lunchtime or be arrested?

Well, that's, yes. What? How is that? What? We're arrested. Where does that happen? And he goes, yeah, because she's like, yeah, oh, yeah, by the way, you have to pay for your car. By the lunch he'll be arrested.

He goes over to Buddy's, and he's like, buddy, and he's like, buddy, what I'm pranking you, you see? And the prank is I gave you a $70,000 car you have to pay for. And I forged your signature. No, dude, you just committed a lot of crimes. And I'm actually going to the cops. And you just yelled, I forged your signature in the middle of the dealership floor. But here's the thing is he's so beloved by the town, would they believe?

I mean, this is the guy with the lights on his house. We all love that. It's crazy. It's not a thing that makes a, like, it heightens it to a bizarre. Like, obviously, you need to heighten. You need to make, there needs to be, like, more antagonism before they can come together. That's what movies are. But this is too bizarre and too big.

And who is it exactly that's threatening him with arrest, by the way? That's a great question also. Is it the old timer that owns the dealership? Is it the son who's hilariously Danny DeVos? I would love a scene about that. Someone on the phone. Someone on the phone is going to get him. And that is just so exciting right now.

To know that. Who cares? So he goes, I forged your signatures. All right, you son of a bitch. Here's the deal. Whoever wins the big speed skates rate. If you win, I get to keep the car and you pay for it. If I win, I pay for the car and you have to take down the lights.

And it's like, what? Because of in the mountain of shit we have just been sitting through, somewhere in there, there was like, I speed skating. Yeah, I did that too. That's it. And it's not even like when this happens, it's not even that big a deal. Like it. No.

it comes as we said it comes like fucking 40 minutes before the movie's going to end it needs to be the end of the movie if this is if it's all like at the big speed skate race this is what's going to happen exactly yep and because this movie wouldn't be fucking you know above it at all you do that uh chariots of fire song and it's a fucking photo finish and slow motion between day and divino and math and frontery and then the movie's over everybody has hot chocolate and that's the end of it I saw hilariously that's the very very saying so the next thing is the big you know the big uh festival there i will tell you here's your big andrew laugh uh we're doing throw the snowball at the nutcracker knock it down win a prize sure danie de vito nails it perfectly matthew broderick throws like a 90 mile an hour fastball and hits that same old woman right in the face yeah pretty funny yeah it's pretty good she gets rocked by that that's a good moment i would love if this was all just old people being assaulted That'd be great. Then, like, they're trying, like, you know, I think

Christa Davis goes up to that, but, like, you guys need to make up, you need to be friends. This is ridiculous. I'm friends with her. You have to be friends with him. Oh, this is after they've humiliated themselves by going down, like, dueling children's slides. Yes. They're competing at everything.

It's like, this is ridiculous. So a musical act is about to start, and they're just standing there, like, please welcome the Santa baby. And it is, Three saucy ladies, who if you have eyeballs and have been watching the movie, you know who these three saucy ladies are. Especially if, I don't know, if my wife gave birth to one or two of them, I'd be able to pick them out in a fucking lineup. But they, DeVito's immediately like, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Come on, yeah, come on. Get in on this, Steve. Get in on this. Oh, baby. Who's your daddy? Which club do you dance at? Give me your number.

I can't wait. Oh, I gave birth to. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just you girls? And then he does go, who is your daddy? Who is your dad? Oh, no, I am the dad. And like, that's the joke. I'm the daddy, yeah.

And they go into the church to wash their eyes. There's never a scene. I don't even know if Ali Ashikad has any more lines after this scene. Like, she needs to be like, dude, I don't know. Like, I'm leaving this family. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, later at the motel, I do recall that she calls the brother like a fart.

So that's at least one more like. Sure, sure. But there's never any like, but the movies like, or even Kristen Davis to be like, what happened at this? I need you to take me beat by beat as to what happened at this performance. But the movie's like with all these daughters, services rendered, we got them. Yes, exactly. Done.

They're done with. We don't need to talk about them. They had the tinnies. It was great. Also, after this happens, the first place I would be going, would not be to a church where there's holy water that might burn me if I am either fucking Broderick or DeVito

at this point, because that shit is going to melt you. Yes. It's just so stupid. But then the speed skating in five minutes, there's an announcement they hear in the church must be close by. Everybody ready to care? And you know what? This is why you should

never write your screenplay with Olympic fever. Because apparently this is a reference to what happened in the 2002 winter Olympics where everybody fell down but the Australian person won and like who could remember that

yeah who cares oh my god who cares so don't have a lipic fever when you're right you're right you don't it happened it happened four the movie came out four years after that happened yes nobody remembered then certainly nobody remembers his fucking 22 years on this scene oh my god well yes

of course this scene was inspired by this 2008 Burger King commercial in which a man swallows too much ketchup and then his daughter laughs at him. I mean, we all know the fucking commercial. I would rather watch. I'd rather watch that than

Broderick in a skin suit we have. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Chicken, two chicken nuggets. What are these balls looking like? Small balls. Well, two chicken nuggets are a little bit more as far as forms of nuts go. Do not correlate

really. It's like before they fry the chicken nuggets, like that pink slime molded into a certain way. They're very flat is the problem with the chicken nugget. Yeah, that was more my issue. You know, they're getting flatter, by the way. McDonald's is putting less nugget in those nuggets, man.

It's getting pathetic. He's all white meat chickens, and of course they're going to get smaller. All the additives is, whatever else was in there is now gone. I think Wendy's uses all white meat chicken, and their fucking nuggets are totally fine. Sure. McDonald's just fucking sucking shit in the nugget game. Yeah.

That's really sad to hear. It's been true for decades. But yeah, it's the joke is they're all, they're doing it, and Broderick is very good at it. DeVito's just okay, but oops, the mayor, who's kind of a character, keeps knocking everybody down. Why is the mayor allowed to use, like, ski poles?

What the fuck is this guy's problem? It's a saboteur. We also get Fred Armisen briefly in this scene. That's right, yes. And Gerta, of course. But then it ends, like, Steve. said where you know he falls down buddy hall davido wins so now he's got to pay for the car you just lost a 70 thousand dollar bet okay cool dude and then and then a guy who looks like

tv's danny davido yelled at you how does it feel to be invisible despite that apparent commission he would earn on this he pawns the vase now to buy more christmas well actually Somewhere in between the, I stole this car and the race, he gets, he quits his job because, like, his boss pulls him in for a performance review and is like, listen, you keep leaving early to do Christmas light stuff and that's not okay, which is a real, that's a real problem. Absolutely. But you know what's funny? I don't know. Does he officially get fired, though? Because I felt like you don't learn he actually lost the job until Kristen, he accidentally tells Kristen Chenoweth.

Because this is, the guy is literally just like. Hey, man, you've been missing work due to buying Christmas decorations. And he's like, you're an excellent salesman. But your fucking sales are really down. What with all the Christmas decoration? There is a line that like, then you won't have a job to come back. So I guess he decides to be fired or decides to quit. So then he walks out.

Yeah. Mutual parting kind of a thing. Sorry, Christmas is my calling. I mean, you are at that point, my theory, if I know what's going on, I'm here. My thinking is Danny DeVito is going to do this last performance, whatever this thing is for the lights, and then blow his head off. I mean, there's no answer.

What else are you doing? You know in America, man. Like, you need a job or else you're in real fucking trouble. Yeah. What else are you doing? I really, and your wife and your kids are about to leave you, man. They're out the door. They're waiting to leave. They are. But at this point, like,

I think they leave soon after this scene. We should say, it's during the performance. It's during the last, because Like, he's doing, he's doing the fucking remix of Santee Claus is coming to town while they're going in the car. And I'm like, my God. I want to say really quickly because it's sort of important, but it also shows how stupid this movie is. When they didn't even win the speed security, he's like, you're invisible. And he's like, yeah, well, no one can even see your house from space.

And like, everyone's like, oh my God, that was too low. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, that poor man. I know. I'm like, what? Who hurts you? He did mass fucking fraud on this dude.

That's totally in line. But, okay. Space is so important to everyone in the community. We get a check in with Cal Penn, who's got a British accent for some reason. Yeah, we're having fun. And he's like, Mr. Satellite, who's, I guess, like, no, still can't see it. Yep, just checking back with you guys. This is all still totally bullshit.

But, like, the whole thing was it was that specific site. and in that specific site you could see Matthew Broderick's house and this thing that Cal Penn's doing it's just like a green picture of the state and then like there's some light in the corner and nothing else and you know there's a tree

surrounding Danny DeVito's house in this he does start cutting down branches to I guess help with that but it's like it's just why do you care why are you throwing your marriage your children your job everything away for Christmas lights to be seen from

space. Because there's, I think it's after, it's after he says you, you still can't be seen from space. So dead divin is hurt by this. He's on the phone with some guy and he's like, yeah, I need all those lights. And like, you just hear him go, he's like, it's how much? Oh, and he looks at the base and he goes, can you have it here tomorrow? And it's like, what? Dude, I think there's even a joke. Is that in yen? Yes. That's a very dead interviewer joke. Yeah. But so yen implies it's coming from Japan. And then he asks them to overnight and what I think it is is the device that whatever rap he has to put the house

in that makes the entire thing like an LCD screen because this is like the video presentation where like Danny DeVito's like filmed himself at some point like mocking Matthew Broderick because this is where like it's like and it's just going out until 4 a.m. And it's like David's face on his own house. Yes. Right.

Twisted stuff man. Wild gadget. I mean this is like this thing alone, you have to be talking like 20,000. And this is like the start of LED lights. I think this movie was like, can you believe it? There's LED lights now. And I think if the trivia is to be believed, you, this wasn't possible at the time. It was all fake CGI nonsense.

They faked it. That makes sense. Which is also stupid too because, I mean, like, it's, you can tell it is. And like, at least like the house, the Chevy Chase House is impressive to look at. You know what I mean? Like, when you watch it, you're like, oh, that's actually kind of cool. You know what I mean? Like, they really did that.

It's plausible. Steve, do you think the Christmas house people watched this movie, like the dad, like the fucking patriarch of that proud family was like, this is bullshit. Oh, absolutely. This is not real Christmas decoration technology. There are the mannequins. More mannequins. I see no Alvin and Dost Chipmunks.

We all know that the high watermark is Christmas vacation. Number two, of course. Texas chainsaw massacapoo. Yes. I just, they went manic and crazy over the years, guys. I don't know what happened

over there. It's very bizarre. Too many times watching fucking Kevin McAllister defend his house. That's true. Yeah, there's no Michael Jordan. It'll do that too.

So Matthew Broderick is like, wow, going out until 4 a.m. every night, huh? You know what the perfect revenge is? It's a back alley fireworks. Uh-huh. And this is annoying because they play this up like he's buying a gun

of this guy. I'm gonna fucking shoot that guy in the head. Oh yeah? I gotta pay for this car? You're fucking dead. I, I believe it.

And B, I wish. If this ended with him actually trying to kill him, I would be so happy. I think this is probably fireworks. Broderick's biggest laugh

of the movie, at least for me, because the guy's like, you know, what are you going to do with that? Because I'm going to shoot them at my neighbor's house and hopefully give him a heart attack.

Ooh. Nice plan. Not a bad plan, honestly. And it's all these fun ones. What's the big one? The atomic warlord. Thank you. Oh, yeah.

And it's like, oh, yeah, here I go. He, he's losing my mind. And, like, he's got, you know, Chris Chedith and the kids have already left. So it's just Danny DeVito at this point. And he just starts firing, like at 4 o'clock when all the lights go out, presumably Danny DeVeev and goes to sleep,

he starts firing these fireworks. I'm like, can't sleep. Can you? How does it feel to have your whole world exploding around you? And your wife was packing up and leaving you, just like my wife is. Oh, boy. Oh, Kristen, please don't take the boy. He's my little assistant.

Well, this fucking fireworks escapade is what does the last drop for Kristen Davis, because, of course, he's a clumsy goof, and he falls, and all the fireworks start going all over the place. Then the warlord guy, the big atomic warlord, goes down their chimney and it's like about to hit Kristen Davis in the fucking face or like goes through her chest entirely. I am shocked. She waited for the morning. I would have left that night. That's a of in the night you do that. I would find a Marriott.

I would go and find a Marriott and be happy with it because what the, the fact that you stayed this long is fucking insane. Have you been listening to this guy? But once he burns down this new Christmas tree and the windows to the house, it is time to get out of it. Yes, I really do think so. And also, like, this cop, the sheriff's like, oh, yeah, so just this crazy fire, huh? Or whatever he's like, yes, it was an underwatered tree. And he's the cop, the sheriff there, or whatever, he's got the Maryland Monroe tree topper. You don't fucking start asking more questions, man?

Again, that would be part of the movie, right? It's like, oh, no, now you're in trouble for this thing. That's something, right? Exactly. Imagine he's in jail. Yes, him in jail would be hilarious and he's trying to call his wife. He doesn't know where she is. Maybe he has to call Buddy Hall and I don't know, like do something with your movie. No, no, no.

That's, I mean, that is clear the one thing they were avoiding was something happening. Instead, like making sense. Yes. And instead, the cop says you're beginning to tie a knot in my panties, mister, because he's the cross-dresser. Just get out of this movie, buddy. can we just leave leave this joke on the side of the highway it's totally fine

but Kelly announces she's taking the kids to go to the hotel where Chris and Genoa and the twins are and Matthew Braddock here great and she's pulling away what am I going to eat? Oh yeah fucking loser no

feed me feed me you fucking loser it's kind of great because there's a good exchange here between the two of them when Steve says to him Roderick's character says, you know, it calls him a screw up. And then

DeVito goes, oh yeah, we're going to be eating alone on Christmas like the rest of us screw up. He's correct. You know what? Score one for fucking buddy. You know, I was watching the movie Denna Thieves the other day and I was a lot of you do.

I was really pleased in the middle of the movie Gerard Butler just gets full on divorced. And I'm like, you know, like it never happened. It's always like the wife leaves and you don't know what's going to happen. And then at the end he was, no, no, she really makes him sign papers. And I'm like, you know what, dude? Commitment to the bit. It's awesome. Yeah. Hell yeah.

Fun movie. Spoiler alert, by the way. Sorry. I do like this little moment here where he's watching Matthew Broderick is watching Meet Me in St. Louis. And it's the great, terrifying freak out that the little daughter has when they're like, oh, we're going to be moving away from St. Louis after the world's fair.

And little girl freaks out decapitates all those snowmen that are like snowmen representing members of the family. Oh, it's fucking great. I mean, that's, we talk all the time about fucking a movie that you would rather be watching.

Oh, if your aspirations were Meet Me in St. Louis, they might as well have been for Citizen Kane. Like, this is just, I can't even express the difference. Like, my fucking God. Meet me in St. Louis.

Magnificent movie. Deck the halls Deck the halls Don't they also have a little bit of Miracle 34th Street too They do, yes They're all playing They're watching that in the motel

Okay, yeah, sorry, okay And they're all All three of those are playing At the movie theater in town as well Oh But instead we have to watch Dreck the halls I did like that letterbox review

Oh, thank you Yeah I did Oh, do go on No, that's that's it that's plenty but it dude I get a big belly laugh

out about watching the day of you know disappointingly ripping down all these Christmas lights it's great what's the point of it anymore I'm gonna hang myself with these lights

that'd be amazing lit up body oh nice yeah yeah and they kind of have this moment of like boy we both really fucked up didn't we Tia won't even talk to me

I tried everything and Matthew brought He's like, but did you really try everything? And he's like holding a huge ball of Christmas lights in his hand. Yeah, but also I'm looking at this over. I mean, these terms are outrageous. It's $600 a month. I mean, how am I going to pay for this?

You got double true code? How is it possible? And I could have got, I'm a doctor. I get good insurance. This isn't even under my insurance. What did you do here? You ruined me. I didn't need the lifetime

subscription to the car wash service. That's just ridiculous. No one ever buys that. Unless the twins work at the car wash. Do they work at the car wash? Do they work at the car wash? You got a VCR in this thing? Where? Can I lure at your children

while I get my car washed? But so yeah, the families are at the motel. They're trying to make the best of a bad situation. I do like the mother's decorating this like shit Christmas tree with the blues bottles from the frids. And then Matthew

Broderick and Danny DeVito desecrate the town. Oh my God. Decide to put their garbage everywhere. Where are they getting the electric for this? Maybe your house. Check your outdoor outlets. This is going to be happening to you. Yeah, Danny DeVito steal electricity from your house. Fred's house.

Well, Pottersville was very bright. They had like that. It was. Dancing girl signs. That's true. Merry Christmas, Danny DeVito's house. Merry Christmas, Armenian Christmas house. Merry Christmas mannequins. Alvin, the chipmugs. Oh, mercy.

Yeah, so it's like, oh, what's the little shit boy there's like, what's going on outside? And they all go out. Yeah, they're just like literally just walking through the streets of town. I guess like there's a curfew and all the cars are off the road and everything. It's like that's seen in the card counter, man. It's like out of nowhere where there's Christmas Wunderland. Man, I love that moment of that movie.

It's a great movie. Oh, mom, all the lights were dads. Yes. And it leads them back to the house. And wouldn't you know it, these two men cooked a really nice Christmas dinner. Did you imagine that? Could you imagine it? No.

No. No, please. You might as well have Godzilla cooking in there. You kidding me. No. That can't happen. My good friend Zilla cooking. And they used Kristen Davis's cookbook.

Which everything, that's why it all looks bad. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, this cookbook already came out, or is this the rough draft? No, no. I think it's just a draft. An advanced copy for press. only. ARC's dude.

They, yes, the, we steal from Christmas to the Crags. The, the, the town comes over and fixes the house. Oh, good. Oh, right. The town all pitches in to donate their own Christmas lights to make this dude's weird dream come true. It's so

bizarre because also like, I just took it all down. Yeah. Now we're going to put it all back up. It's Christmas night or whatever. Well, you know, we all know why? Because of all people, Sushin Park from MTV News herself has come to town to do a story on these lights and somehow she's hooked up with Cal Penn

she's got him on the horn doing the monitoring again and all of a sudden there's like this huge event out of nowhere and I'm not wrong right that is the end of Christmas and the cranks the whole town comes together to make the house Christmassy like right that's probably yeah because it's like we've got nothing and then the whole town comes together with like food

and whatever so they can have a Christmas at the house two years earlier by the way so It's definitely stealing from it. Where's Frosty? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Oh, right. Yes.

And at least in that, again, not a good movie. See our entire episode on it. Don't watch it. But like the, at least the town was a town in that movie. And this is not. Yeah, I agree. There's the mayor and Fred Armisen. That's kind of, and the lady with the glasses.

You have Emmett Walsh as a neighbor. You're fleshing out the community in a way that this movie has no desire to. But yeah, it's like the lights don't work. As Sushan Park. has, like, a funny reaction to, like, being pissed off about it, like, as if she didn't want to be on this assignment in the first place, which I was like, that's believable. I like that reaction you're having here. Oh, but no, the cell phones, guys. Dude, what are we talking about? With these 2006 Nokia cell phones? I don't think so. Everyone has a Nokia. They all make the Nokia noise. Get out of here.

Or whatever. And I guess we're just showing that off to Jesus, like lights to this guy. That's not going to do it, folks. There's a shot of the disgusting shit boy that's like, oh, he's left out of it. And it's like, you can use my phone, Han. And he's just like, it's like, oh, magic. No, guys, I'm sorry. But Lady Raven asked for you to take it out if you forgive people. Oh, that's right, yes.

That's what they were trying to tell you that they forgive people. That's true. That's great. If Danny DeVito was a secret serial killer, that would make a lot more sense. Way more sense. Oh, boy. Look at this guy. I got him chained up in a basement.

Yeah, we go to this mat-nay concert, you see. I always wanted to be famous. This is the best way to become famous. You know, I'm always quitting stuff. But killing people, I got to see it through. I just got to keep doing it. I'm good at it. But you're not going to get to the credits

without allowing Kristen Chenoweth to sing a little bit. She starts singing the leading the call here singing a Christmas carol. The whole, like, town gets in on it. And then, dude, straight up cribbing from fucking Christmas vacation. The little kid's like, oh, this thing was unplug the whole time. Plugs it in. The fucking lights all go on.

Dude, this Cal Penn computer imaging software. Oh, please. Dude, it looks like the fucking 9-11 lights. It kind of does. I was like, wait a second. What's a bigger tragedy? This movie or a... It's still 9-11.

Okay, just sorry. Yep. Got it. this is a bad movie but that was 9-11 keep checking back though we'll we'll get crack it yeah there's going to be a few where it's close eric there's going to be a couple stay tuned for the rest of this month while we compare I'll tell you what's definitely a hard know though is when Kristen Chenworth is like you know what I like living in this town buddy

why don't you go back to the car dealership tomorrow and get your job back lady I don't think so I don't that's not how jobs work you've lost you know what they say you lost your job it's not lost and found it is lost forever you know I mean, but also this guy clearly has superpowers, so I'm not... That's true. He is the best salesman in the world. That would be really cool of a lost and found box, like, well, there's a job in here.

I think you just take it. Salesman. Oh, Franz salesman, right in here. Sure. No, that's me. And those glasses, too. It looks all fuzzy, but yeah, they're mine as well. Can't someone walk down the street without being offered a job?

Is there a half pack of wintergreen in there, too? Because, you know. so matthew broaderick agrees to new christmas traditions oh well well the neighborhood gets together and sings christmas carols that's a new tradition we can do not sure uh and then like he makes up with dan jvino they kind of have a little moment it's the classic well because they do it earlier in the movie and matthew broader wasn't want to do it the like hi let's start over i'm bunny hall and he's like right i'm not doing that and this time it's like i'm buddy hall i'm steve french uh you get in it it it's kind of like Grinch but not oh did you understand that actually my name

my actual Christian name is Stephen Christmas nice to meet you but that's you know you can see you can see if a fucking Spaceman that's the end of the movie basically that fucking calpen satellite imaging software very funny I go around the horn here for some final thoughts and recommendations Eric Siska. This was so disappointing. Not that I had my hopes up for this or anything, but like, I like DeVito. I like Broder. I like a lot of the people in this cast, but it just never comes together. It feels like you're pushing

like magnets up against each other. The ones that don't want a magnet together, you know? Right, sure. It's an extent of my science thing. I'm a juggalo. Yeah. Yeah, no. It is a terrible movie. but by the way it's okay to like it I know people are Christmas-pilled and all that

but so if you enjoy this by all means you know I thought there was a funny joke that's it Chris Chris Cap this movie fucking sucks it's terrible I

the two characters just do not make sense unless you are making like as I said a Lars von Trier movie maybe maybe these kind of characters are being dealt with in some way But no, otherwise, I can't, my Danny DeVita love goes so far, but like, I have sat through Jack the Bear.

I have sat through fucking what, what's the worst that could happen? I sat through screwed twice. And this was just like, no, I can't do it. Like, this is it. It might be the worst for him. So this is the worst that could happen, this movie. It could be. I actually, by the way, I looked at, I did crunch the numbers.

this actually might be Matthew Broder's worst movie. Oh, wow. It's really close. I love that. I believe it. Steve, say that. Yeah, I hate this movie. About a show called We Hate Movies.

We're on Tuesdays. Check that out. No, I really didn't like it. It is worse than, like, Derek's point, like, it's worse than the movie that I had in my head. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. When you hear about deck the hall, you see the poster,

you say, oh, deck the halls. in your brain like oh so what danny de vito and him were like trying to be the biggest christmas guy in the neighborhood and they try to outdo each other with christmas stuff and like pranks are involved and then at the end they learn to be friends that's such a better movie than this yep like such a better movie this movie is just flat and

the scenes are just jointed and it is there's no engine or rhyme or reason to it because they never really gave a shit to make it work in the first place yeah i'm not uh you know going to say anything particularly different it is one of those obnoxious things where it's like it's a movie filled with people i enjoy and you know i've enjoyed things they've done and this is just not going to be one of them the cool thing about christmas movies is that there's like a metric shit ton of them so like you don't have to watch this that's what's

for you know for every like deck the halls that you got to throw away there's like at least 45 other things that are less garbagey than this that you can check out instead. So this is a huge skip as far as I'm concerned. But that is going to do it for this episode of We Hate Movies. The holiday fun is just getting started around here. Of course, like we mentioned last week, there was the live episode

us live in Jersey City talking about Tim Allen in the Santa Claus. That was a rip-roaring show from last year. Over on the Patreon, we have ourselves dropping the We Love Movies episode of the month. It is indeed Lethal Weapon 2 which we know it does not

take place at Christmas, but it was a Christmas gift to ourselves to talk about it. It is Christmas. Fuck you. It is Christmas. I don't care. You know why? Because it's just been revoked. That's why. Hell yeah. Oh, dude, Christmas revoked. That's a Rankin and Bass special.

Speaking of Ranking and Bass, actually, that's what we're doing on animation damnation. We are all going to tighten our butt holes and watch the little drummer boy and be creeped the fuck out. I watched it last year, dude, because I bought the entire Rankin and

best collection on Blu-ray. Yeah, and this the little drummer boy was when we watched a lot as a kid, we got on VHS, but it is terrifying. Looking back at it as an adult, like, I don't know how my parents didn't think it was fucking Halloween program, honestly.

And on once in a lifetime coming back this month, we're going to be talking about it's beginning to look a lot like murder. Murder. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude, God damn. I watched this yesterday. It's really something. Yes, this is a 2020 two movie Eric Roberts is in

it. It is, I think some of these listings are saying it's not streaming but it is at least rentable on Amazon Prime. In the United States, yes. Yeah, that's where I watched it just yesterday. So you do not want to miss that one. Melrose 210, back

to regularly scheduled programming or it was last month too actually. But funny enough, we already talked about Christmas in November, so no Christmas on Melrose 21st. The Parker saga the Parker family saga continues on Melrose Place, of course.

I'm sorry, the barbecue that is in Melrose Place is the Christmas present to me. To Stephen specifically. Oh, fair enough, absolutely. So all that and more on Patreon.com slash we have movies, including

ad-free We Hate Movies episodes at the $8 level. So if you are listening to this Deck the Halls episode with some commercials in it, you can free those up should you choose over on the Patreon. And speaking of we hate movies next week the show continues the holiday programming is just getting underway Steve Sadek what movie are we discussing we haven't talked about it but we have to figure out so am I going to take Eric's house and Chris's going to take Andrew's house and then Eric takes my house

and then Andrew takes Chris house is that how that we're going to do it for I think it was the first one I got to go to Chris's because you guys got the cats and I can't be dealing with okay oh yeah we're talking about the holiday we're at the holiday uh I have not seen this movie since me, my wife, and Chris saw the theater. Do you remember? We will say this again on the episode, but do you remember what we

saw as a double feature with this? She told me the other day, but I don't remember. Apocalypse. That's right. That's right. We had seen that and then met her, I think, was the idea. Yes, that was it. Incredible day at the movies. Really, you know, not

many similar themes floating around between the two films. but yes, Jack Black, Cameron Diaz, yes, Jew Law and Kate Winslet. I remember making that right. There we go, sir. Hell yeah, ding, ding, ding, that's got to be some points. Just touch some points away from me, baby. I got you.

So until next week, when we're house-swapping with the holiday, I've been Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Eric Siskin. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. Thank you.