We Hate Movies - S15 Ep775: Ernest Saves Christmas

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

“The answer to almost all questions we’re gonna ask here is: it’s Florida” - Chris, on the Ernest-related insanity in this movie On this special Christmas Eve episode, we’re chatting about the silly Christmas cult fave, Ernest Saves Christmas! Why did this old Santa wait so long to give up his Santa power? What’s with Ernest hiding that “Keep the CHRIST in Christmas” bumper sticker in his glove box? Should Ernest even have a driver’s license? Is Santa sad over the fact his home country of Prussia dissolved in the late 1940s? And should this teen girl really be sleeping over at Ernest’s bungalow? PLUS: Ernest criticizes the Jedi’s bad human trafficking habits!  Ernest Saves Christmas stars Jim Varney, Oliver Clark, Noelle Parker, Gailard Sartain, Billie Bird, Bill Byrge, Robert Lesser, and Douglas Seale as Santa; directed by John Cherry. This holiday season, make the Official WHM Merch Store your one-stop shop for all your holiday needs! T-shirts? Prints? Phone cases? Stickers? We got it all! Head over to our Tee Public shop and check it out today! From December 1, through the entirety of 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the show, we're talking about a Christmas classic that, like many Christmas tales, is based on something created entirely by an ad agency. It's Ernest Saves Christmas. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Eric Siska. Burn. And we hate movies.

You know what I mean? Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program. We are closing in on Christmas. Here we go. Ernest saves Christmas from 1988, directed, of course, by John Cherry, who directed all of these. He was the co-mastermind behind Ernest, of course. The king, a mighty man. And he passed, the late John Cherry, he passed not so long ago. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I guess if you live in Tampa on off earnest money, you could live like a king. Oh, he had.

He had a compound for sure. He had a large estate. I think he has like a righteous gemstones level thing. And, you know, Terry, Cherry lived down the road from him. Ernest was a culture phenomenon, right? Like, really one of the more surprising ones, yes. And I generally have feelings of goodwill Towards the earnest franchise

But this was tough This one of the worst I like this one Really? Oh man Is this your favorite earnest movie? It absolutely is my favorite earnest movie I haven't seen it goes to jail in a long time

That's my favorite Dude you got two Jim Varnies in that movie But I had checked out by the time Scared Stupid had happened So I was like I don't give a shit So when we watch it for the show That was like a first and only kind of walk Really? No scared stupid used to play

on TV a bunch and so I've seen that one probably the most. And I prefer that one hands down to this. Oh absolutely. Absolutely. A giant like evil troll type of thing as a foil to Ernest versus nothing. Aren't we also like jobs? Just jobs. You want to talk about jobs? Well isn't the the thing with um scared stupid too like they're stealing kids and like making them into like it's actually scary. It's a little like unsettling that one. It's a little adult for earnest. This is a little adult for earnest. This is a little adult for earnest. too in certain ways that I don't think the movie acknowledged at the time. Yeah, I don't know. I could not tell you the last time I watched

this movie. It genuinely, it might be my divorced dad Christmas back whenever that, 1990, Christmas 92 or something like that. Watching this movie and I don't think I've returned to it and that's probably why and thankfully I didn't like break down into a blubbering mess or something while all of a sudden something like snapped inside my brain and I was like, wait a second! I mean, I think you know this is going to be a bad time. They opened with a wassling, We Will Go, one of the fucking dogs of the Christmas song canon.

It's free and it gives the fake appearance of like this is going to be a classy Christmas movie. It does because we have all these like classy illustrations of Santa Claus. Many of the Coca-Cola ones. Yes, Coca-Cola style up front here with all these Santas, which is a beautiful little. Well, that's how he stays up all that, just rails for making, you know, giving a nod to advertisements before them. you know the very important advertisements you know if you want the soul of ernest is really an advertising this is an advertising holiday yeah it is yeah yeah no there's no uh religiosity in ernest saves christmas this is all man this is all for the all 80 aller here you said

that absolutely bill mar should have been a villain for ernest at some point oh definitely yeah i mean he was making that what the pizza man movie dc cab yeah no saying no get him in here. This is where he belongs. I love that one of the like genuinely funny details and it's only because it makes me think of another movie and that's why it's funny. But the whole Orlando, Florida, December 23rd,

2 p.m., it just reminds me of Goodfellas. Yeah. Where does that? Where do those helicopters come from? Or did spaghetti and I got egg noodles and ketchup, which is what I wanted. Hey, Vern, this is better. The sauce, burn, you got to stir the sauce. You got to make sure that's nice and hot. And the meatballs do not burn them on the bottom.

Ernest in an actual Goodfellas prison and not when Ernest went to jail but Ernest in an actual Goodfell's prison he'd be murdered pretty quickly. Oh yeah. I just don't think they'd have to like sanction that buffooner. He was like, oh, what do you here? Devoid little guy and Joe Paschian

to get fucking stabbed to the throat? Little? Yeah, well, what do you mean little? What do you mean little? Oh yeah, do you. No, do you fucking. God damn John Wayne impression. Do it again. Do it again. You fuck. Hey, Vern, I'm bleeding now. The good Vern is down in the back. In the back. The good Verns are in the back. Where are you going? Where you going, Vern.

this neck brace is something that the mafia gave me. It's not to make me look like an old lady. I can barely breathe. Old lady Ernest, classic Ernest transformation. Of course. I love that one. I have to put this on every time I come to New York City. Well, I had a question about Old Lady Ernest

actually. Literally is the Ernest canon. Sexual fetish type of thing. Is it ever, wasn't she actually his mother on like a show or something? There was the Ernest TV show that spun out of those commercials. Got it. And some of the sketches would be like Ernest's mom. I believe I'm remembering that. Exactly. So it's not like

Ernest wasn't always dressing up as her. It's a real psycho situation. Oh, yeah. When my mom died had to dress up. Well, like, I guess that's it's, he's, he is Norman Bates if he, if he actually worked, if it worked out for him. Yeah, yeah, it didn't like kill people. If he was able to like, you know what, this keeps me steady. Pretending to be her out in public, this keeps me going. Right, right, right. I responsibly sold the motel. Now I just live in a trailer and work as a ham driver. And every so often I get to do this, he gets a sexual charge. I prefer when he dresses up and has some fun with it because there's not as much in this one. In other movies, there's more, was it scared stupid?

It's all over the place. Yeah, he's like a Roman centurion at one point. Right, that's dumb. Because this was a movie that wasn't an earnest movie, which makes a total sense. It was just a script about Santa Claus retiring because the lore of Santa Claus here actually makes more sense than something like the Santa Claus. You don't have to kill nobody But it's like this weird thing where it's like You know this guy

He had all this power you understand And he was getting really way too old for it And actually a couple of years too late He realized he should have passed the baton And he put all of Christmas at jeopardy by doing that That's right And since this is a Hollywood movie It all works out in the end

Right since this is a Hollywood movie Hollywood Florida I was gonna say there is that shot of Florida In the Hollywood sign That's fucking hilarious That's a self-aware joke, for sure. Yeah, I mean, this is, you can smell the fucking swamp off this movie. On location in Orlando, filming around, like, the Epcot area and whatnot.

I think, I mean, I haven't been there in a long time, or now it's about 13 years or whatever, but the second you step off at Disney in Orlando, you are in fucking pure hell. Oh, yeah. No, no, it is one of the circles of hell. You have to do the doom walk you do out with the worms to make sure nobody comes and gets you. Because they will come and get you. Sputely circles of hell. The beginning of this is Santa Claus is getting off a plane with this business guy.

And we are talking in the hallway. Like, sometimes you get stuck, and I'll do it because I have a face that invites this. Like, people will talk to me. Yeah, you look like a room. Exactly. We'll talk to me. No one will ever talk to me, which is good. Go ahead.

We'll talk to me, like, I'm sitting on whatever, you know what I mean? Like, sitting next somebody on a plane, we might get to talk. And I don't want it to happen, but I know it might. the second the wheels touch the floor it's been nice talking this relationship's over with we broke it

I literally I mean if we're talking in the hallway I'm either faking a phone call I'm going to the bathroom he's going to the bathroom I'm not going to the bathroom anything that

I'll piss my fucking pants if he's going to the bathroom I'm not going to go to the bathroom with you I respect once the tires hit but I think you have to wait until people actually leave the plane because you're going to be discussing like

that's true that's fair but literally this kind of is talking to this guy in baggage claim. It's insane. That is insane. We're not going to baggage claim together, brother. No one has ever tried to make small talk with me on an airplane.

People have tried and they know quite quickly that I don't have interest in participating. It's ended. I mean, I look like I'm pissed off all the time. Usually because I am, I got a big scary white beard. Like, people don't bother me. Yeah. I mean, we've discussed this before. At least I've brought

it up before, but I have a system of course. When I sit down, I have my headphones in. Yep. Someone starts talking to me. I take them out and like, what'd you say? Oh, nice. And then they repeat it. And then if they keep on, I put it right back in.

And if they try to repeat, I have to keep doing it. And they know that they're being annoying that way. Let's like using a clicker on a dog, basically. It works. The clicker works. So where are you from? No, but I, I think I said this before. One time we were going to Charlotte, we'd do the show from to Charlotte.

I flew by myself. This lady talked to me fucking wheels up to wheels down. the entire I would have got the air marshal It was just How was her day? What's going on? She was a very nice

A lady Of docson She had like Some sort of a business bullshit going on I was like that's interesting And I could not get out of it She was married And had business stuff

Going yeah That's amazing It was fucking five years Why would anyone tell you this? I don't know People want to be nice Like the presumption That someone gives a shit

About what I do for a living And I'm gonna fucking tell them about it On an airplane This is main character syndrome we were talking about Colette Sarah right before this that'd be funny if that was nonstop yeah old lady nonstop talking and you're trying to find an exit that won't kill you

that might be better than the movie but literally if that if that conversation continued after wheels up and we're walking towards baggage of them I might have shoved her like you know what I mean like just a solid shove to let her know that it's over and then I'm walking a good physical assault yes exactly but yeah Ernest is talking to this guy and it's just this

or Santa is talking to this guy excuse me and it's like, I'm like, where are you from? And he's like, up north. And he goes, oh, me too. I'm from Toronto. Oh, and it's just fucking funny. We have, you know, security at these airports doing terrible jobs throughout this film.

Dude, this customs guy who's just had it with all the weirdos coming through his gate. Weirdos like hippies and soddies and women. Oh, God, the worst of the worst. No, we see Santa's ID. There's a flash, you know, they, they, show it really quickly. I paused it. By the way, Santa Claus

born October 28th, 1837 in Prussia. I'm sorry, your name's not going to be Seth Applegates. Yeah. At the ending, if that's it. Oh, no. He fixed that one. That's for sure. Even Santa had to deal with Ellis Island for some

reason. Or it was available. There was at least 10 umlouts in there. I don't know where. Seth Applebaum didn't need to be Seth Applebaum anymore. Let's just put it that way. You're right about the availability though, Eric, because you think about it, he knows all little kitties and every time that there's a little cids, he's like, that's an available ID, that's an available ID. That's true. He knows when those kids die. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Do you think Santa was bumming that his homeland no

longer is acknowledged as a country? Like, Santa witnessed it dissolve before his eyes. The weird thing is once he passes on the energy, all that, you know, all that energy goes away, And part of it, all the grief comes in. It's like, oh, my family. I've had like a mental block on it with my Santa powers. And now it's like, oh, grandma. Instead, he gets horny at the end instead. He gets horny, which is amazing.

Maybe that's other thing. Like, oh, my dick's unlocked. This movie, actually, that's fascinating. Now that I'm saying this. Oh, because the lap, you've got to like block his dick in a cage. Well, yeah, you don't want any accidents. Exactly. A detachment, you mean?

What this movie, like, just, this movie doesn't acknowledge. There's no Mrs. Claus. There's a, what is going on there? That's what is divorced. I assume if you are, maybe it's a situation where in like, you know, you, it is kind of like the Green Lantern ring, like the one man in all the world that is most worthy of the Santa Claus powers. I think if that dude happens to be married, then there is a Mrs. Claus.

Does she transform? Does her body horror element for your wife now? It's a big thing. Her cheeks get rosy, she gets fatter. She grows a huge beard, just to, you know, Matt. She's a black woman. She turns into a white woman. She's like, hey, what the fuck? Why?

Megan Kelly's like, you're goddamn right. That's the way it should be. Correct. Oh, God. Let me get on my broom and fly into this Christmas volcano. Who could care, right? Who could even care? To what you guys were saying, it would make sense that, you know, you live this life,

this very long life as Santa Claus, and all the grief comes rushing in, and you die of heartbreak. Like, that's how it should end. That's why it's bullshit. When he fucking transfers his powers. to this new schmuck that's got to be Santa. This dude should turn to a pile of dust. Yes, exactly. Right. Like, well,

I've done my deed skeleton time. My stomach hurts. Oh, oh no. Or a classic, you know, Indiana Jones, What is happening to me? Yeah, that's what we were like, I didn't expect it to hurt like this. He chose. Look away, children. He chose merrily.

So. Ernest, avert your eyes. So, yes. Santa Claus arrives at the airport. Santa Claus, wouldn't you know it? Needs a ride from the airport. Our man, Ernest P. Whirl right in here driving this cab.

You know, Vern, sometimes I clean off the cubs. Sometimes clean off the blood. Absolutely. This is a perfect job for him. And he does run afoul of a young girl. He might as well be fucking shooting up Harvey Kitell at the end of this movie. Talk to Peter Boyle last night. He had a lot of things to say about certain people.

Hey, Vern, I learned some new words last night. From the wizard. Is it? do we ever explain why Santa and co have to come through the airport? Is it because the Christmas power is dwindling? Is that? I think that's the idea. Okay, so we have to do that.

We should say the businessman does say, oh, well, happy holidays and all that. Huh, really wish it would snow here in Orlando. Well, just put that in your back pocket for like 92 minutes to show. Sure. But the whole thing, it's just, he could fly himself. He's got, why are the reindeer's in boxes? Yeah, that's what we're just saying. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

but it's just an excuse to have this movie made cheaply. Well, we don't want to have the slave fly through the whole thing. We can't afford that, so we'll pack a lot of the shit in boxes. We should say Ernest is an asshole driver. A full-off... Oh, yeah.

Getting to the airport, he's got this guy who does actually look at the guy from Raiders at the Lost Dark, the Villain guy, because he's got the hat, the glasses. Yeah, he kind of does. There's a curly hair situation. If he looked at his hand, there'd be like that amulet Burnton mark on it

Curly hair I thought he looked like Danny Elfman for a minute He just got big poppy eyes Like what's this what's this We're riding into traffic Yeah Ernest all Because the guy makes the mistake

Of being like hey buddy I have to get to the airport And then it's like Well I'm a trusty NASCAR driver Ernest P whirl here we go And he's just driving like a fucking dickhead This dude is getting rattled around In this car he falls out of the car

How is that even Well because it's it's Ernest's cab Which is clearly shitty Clearly the door mechanism is broken on this thing. Also, answers to almost all questions we're going to, it's Florida. Yeah. It's true. They allow whatever.

No stranger to seeing some dude driving backwards in reverse up the highway to get this guy that fell out of the car. This shit is insane. Every day. Every day that's happening down in Florida. And this guy is in the back saying, I'm about to attend a dead man's party. I remember very clearly. I saw this in theaters. Don't remember really so much about the showing.

but I remember very clearly at the end of the movie my dad was driving his home and he's like what if I drove like earnest and was doing like starving this way that's amazing yeah he's like trying to get the kids laugh Was he drinking through the movie? What if I killed my children?

It was I remember being like this is fun and scary Your dad's driving the car reverse down Pelham Parkway Hey burn! Dad it's burn! What? Did I mess? I gotta do it again. Hold on I gotta go out the other way.

Are these the thoughts that people have right before they die. This is feeling like it. Dude, and the asshole or he like doesn't continue, does continue it since it because they get to the airport. This guy's like near death. Ernest takes a suitcase out.

Of course the suitcase explodes all over the place. He is throwing this man's clothes into the baggage compartment. And the guy himself, he launched him on the lawn dart. Yeah, he was frozen somehow. He fell out of the car and he was frozen in place. And Ernest had to pick him up and put him back in. Well, stiff is important because he's fucking dead.

the guy of fucking... Rig and Mortis. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Vern, Rig and Mortis sent in faster than usual this time. I'm gonna say,

well, but Verne is doing very well for himself. I don't know how. Vern, nice little single man house here. Absolutely. Did you guys hear, but did you see the trivia about this house?

This Verne house that they shot this in. There was a multiple murder there at some point. They got a discount. It was actually, this was like part that was filmed in California

at like the Disney lot. They had a suburban set there, which then was now replaced and is now the current location of Galaxy's Edge. Wow. Okay.

Hey, Vern indeed. Wow. I wish they, I hope they acknowledged when they broke ground for Galaxy's Edge. Like, look, we're about to tear all this stuff up. But at one time, Ernest saves Christmas was filmed. Canonize Vern, you know, that's a good name for Star Wars. Hey, it's a Verne, that's a name. Vern 144, you know, V period, E, period, R period.

Ernest and Bunky Pruster hung out. here for a little bit. We should, I mean, it's too late, obviously, because he passed. Jim Vardy would have been fine for Star Wars. Absolutely. No, totally. You could have had him actually,

the voice thing definitely, the more children's stuff like skeleton crew, he could be bumping around being a fucking weirdo. It should have been the voice of Jarjar. Honestly, it's a match right there. Hey, quag on. At least this ain't racist. What's that smell?

Ew. Wait, do you? You just bought that kid is. Hey, Vern, they're still into slavery. Oh, no, that alien's Italian, is. You can just go to space for it and get him for free. Right, where he picks up this kid, right? That's right.

He picks up Santa here. It's like a quick, I got to get another fare so I can get out of the airport because he's getting chased by like red cap guys. Asian people, am I wrong? Yes, it's an Asian businessman joke thing. Yes. Because he destroys that Their car or something They're all like shaking their fist at him

And he has to run away Okay Yeah because I think he like drives And like tears their door off Or something she backs into them I think maybe something like that Picks up Santa Claus This is where I notice

This is the only time I think I noticed any sort of Christian thing whatsoever Ernest definitely has a keep the Christ In Christmas bumper sticking Wow What that's that's So you have it

And you don't put it on the car Yeah Why? Is there just a give you comfort when you open the thing and be like, oh, it's right there in that. It's because it's not, it slides around. It's not stuck to the thing. Oh, it's just, oh, no, you're right. It's in the glove compartment.

You're right. Well, maybe he got one of like, shamed of fucking being a Christian. I feel like somebody probably gave, I'll get to that at some point. What is probably on this car the entire time is an advertisement for Bick Peds. Oh, I didn't even notice that one. It's so prominent. Every time we look at this car. And did you

notice the number? Oh, dude, I was serious. What's the number? Sixty-nine. Is it really? Yeah, it is. It's 69 and I'm like... Wait, what number? The cab number is 69. Oh. Yeah, I got the fun car, Vern.

Hey, we suck each other all favors. 69 my bick and I'll 69 your pen. It's a 25 for the drive. 10 extra if you want to suck. So he picks up sand and he's driving him along here and this is where it's, man, I was praying for a final destination two. He's behind this Christmas tree truck driving like an asshole because that's the only Modi can drive in and this truck

you see like the tree coming off and I was like smash this fucker's face with this tree. It's exactly Final Destination too. It's so awesome. But this is again another like oh my god a little brother in arms Christmas tree fell off and it's on the highway better drive backwards

again to get this tree you sick this is incredible when he picks it up and throws it in the back seat across Santa's lap and it breaks the window incredible he's doing like these the earnest like whatever you want to call them

when he's doing things like that's right Santa Claus I am one with the Yule Tadus. His like nonstop Robin Williams as free associating yes but they're also like weird platitudes you'd see on shitty inspirational posters almost

you know like that kind of weird he's just saying this shit and Santa's in the backseat like maybe I should have tried to fly the sleigh one one time this is really weird We thankfully cut to I don't know I know one's named Bobby

But Slim and Faddy are here Yes In the Reindeer Chuck and Bobby Yeah And they are and they are delights They are I like Chuck quite a bit

He's been in a few movies That are non-urnous The fact guy, yes And they were both in Goes to Jail at the very least I think And they are I think they're also In Scared Stupid

The little guy Left his job Working at some Florida a library to be an actor. Nice. And it's all earnest movies. I think he's in a good deal of him. I don't know about the fact guy, but the little guy he hitched his star to earn his

fucking wagon. I could not find his day to death. I assume he's he says he's 92. Maybe he took over for Santa. He could be a skinny little guy. I mean the fat guy is definitely a low red Glenn Shadex and I'll... So was he also in the ground then? Is that right? It's a great question.

Let's find out... Is the fat guy did? We got to find out like just... He's got it. Who is. Fat guy's dead, little guy isn't, I believe, is... Oh, okay. Yeah. And Jim Varney is dead. John Cherry is dead. Let's get the death count and everyone involved in the movie.

The one thing about fat guy that I really... I was like, I didn't even know if this existed. What is his name? Bobby? Chuck. Chuck. No, he's still alive in 1946. Hell yeah.

Oh, okay. Awesome. Good man. Good for you, man. I thought he was dead. That's great. He has something I've never seen before. Oh, he looks awesome these days.

This IMDB profile picture fucking rocks. Oh, yeah, that's good. Well, let me see. He's looking big. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, that's the thing about Fat Guy, now that I'm looking at that picture, fat guy voiced Big Daddy on that Simpsons episode. He also...

He looks like Big Daddy. In that picture of me photo, that's a live-action Big Daddy. I believe he is... Gaylard Sartan? Great crazy name. He knew Adventures of Laurel and Hardy with him and Bronson Pinchot. Oh, no. That John Terry directed.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Last film was Elizabeth Tan. Ooh. Oh, the Cameron Crow movie? Oh, boy. Ooh, I never saw it. The longest movie. It's supposed to be pretty bad. It is pretty bad. But the

fat guy, Mr. Gallard here, he has something I've never seen before. He has a around-the-neck soda holder. Yeah. I've, like, man, look, I've been there, man. I'm a big guy. I drink soda like an insane person. You cannot need it that much. Like a horse? Like glasses, like you hold your glasses around your neck.

Like Bob Dylan's harmonica holder, but it's sodas in it. If you've got a 12 pack in the fridge that you're going to drink the entire day, that's okay. It's actually better for you to have to like finish that can, put it away, go and grab. Whatever little energy that's exerting. And maybe in that time, maybe I'll get a seltzer. Maybe I don't need this last son. It gives you a moment to rethink your life choice. Exactly.

you want those breaks and this creation takes that out of the equation you can not think but the other thing is you're fucking splashing Diet Coke or I'm sorry probably regular Coke all over your fucking shirt all day

that's Coke heavy I wonder about that because you know I wouldn't be surprised if there's some old earnest episode where it's like here's our new invention the cola collar and he's just doing that and that's like a little

earnest Easter egg for all the big earnest heads out there. That'd be great. We got something new. This is, this here's a French fry neck holder. You ever want to have a French fry at any time. It'll be right there nice and popping hot. We're working on the cheese fry version. There's a couple more matrixes

we need to figure out. Because when that one goes tits up, it burns. Of course, we had to discontinue carbonated cheese soda that I had made and that only Chuck and Bob carried. I try it. I know. Just a little...

Cheese soda? Just a little sick. Just to see what we're working with. To know that I was right that it's disgusting. Boy, wouldn't you hate to be wrong? Well, that's why I tried monkey pizza. The monkey flesh on a pizza, but I would not try cheese soda.

I draw the line somewhere. Well, how about this? Where is the line in relation to... I forget the company that bottled it, but there is a... A nacho cheese Doritos's liqueur. That I might not try. That sounds rough. That's out there.

That sounds bad. I've held it in my hand and I did not take it to the register. I'm proud of you. I probably I would try a shot of that over the cheese soda. Okay. I probably would. Between those two things? Yeah. I least it's booze. Exactly. Which I need. This dude, Gaylord and Sartan

was also one of the racist cops. I mean, they're all racist in the movie. But I think he's specifically partnered with Brad Durf in Mississippi Burning. Oh, nice. He's Brad Durf. other guy that sounds right yeah yeah so yeah this dude had a career the little guy not so much but we we meet them they are like the um the baggage like shipment guys they are getting all these packages and it's we start seeing like they're it's clearly like reindeer are in these boxes which is terrifying right it's like a freight baggage claim freight that's the word it's the beginning

it's like the beginning of hard ticket to Hawaii you know what I mean Ticket To Hawaii That's a great movie But it's I will say these two guys As much I enjoy their antics I feel like it's too stupid

Too many You know what I mean Because you got Ernest over here Do it all the stupid Supreme Stupidness Yes And then you got These guys are just kind of mooched in on his act

And these guys were also created By the same ad agency And it was like Now it's like fucking Cartoon All Stars kind of shit Absolutely Together in these earnest movies You don't need chili cheese fry

With your stuffed pizza that's a little too much just a little too much but I do think so like by the way Santa Claus is like oh do you know Uncle Joe and the whatever TV shows oh I used to grow up on Uncle Joe

he was so great it's like oh yeah he they actually just canceled his show he's like well he's got to be a millionaire and he's like well you don't get to be a millionaire by doing local children's programming we have to go to the Orlando Children's Museum which is one of four locations one of four locations along the

we are introduced to Harmony Star we meet her, this is the actress Noel Parker, who we have actually talked about already in the WHMiverse. She is in the third ever episode of 90210 when Brenda gets involved in shoplifting she's the shoplifting girl that poisons her soul

but she is being caught red-handed in a dine-and-ditch situation. Oh, Bunky. How far is this guy going to take it? Because he's like, I mean like at a certain point It's fucking Florida, dude, he's going to shoot her in the street. Yeah, that law was passed in 93. He couldn't do it yet. Yeah, oh, you didn't pay for them chocolate chip pancakes, eh? I am shocked there wasn't grabbing. Yeah, you know, like a good grab or a tackle.

Right on the wrist. What I was curious about, yeah. You're going to tackle this little girl? This dude's like sending a huge line cook, like chasing after her down the sidewalk or something. With a cleaver. But, yeah, she, that's just like how we introduce her whatever. She jumps in the camera and goes, go, go, go. that's my and she's like making up some story like that's my uncle he kept me in the basement

i had to work there night day she throws out a slave i was okay buddy um at the same time this this actually kind of got me santa can't pay for the cab fare like he can't pay ernest because he's just got funny money to which ernest says this currency features the likeness of one mr fun tab like him saying mr fun time is very great that has to be a callback to one of the old Ernest. Like that was nowhere. Was that like a Chucky Cheese-esque place in the Ernest Diverse? The picture

kind of looked like Sinbad. It did look like a picture of Sinbad. That was weird. It was like a dude with like a flat top haircut. It was very strange. I don't know. Mr. Biden, we are happy to pardon your son but this paper, the letterhead has Mr. Fun Time on it. So... Yeah, that's me now. I was

President of the United States now. I'm just Mr. Fun Time. I know Mr. Fun Time. I got all mixed up. Oh, man. He's a beautiful person. He gave me all this money, and I'm going to retire now. What? It should have been Mr. Nap Time.

Oh, I love Mr. Nap Time. It's so nice. Oh, I'm going to go meet him now. But we go and we meet with Joe Carruthers at this TV station or whatever is going on, and he's good with kids. He's doing, like, a puppet show about dinosaurs. This is the museum. He's at the museum.

I guess he's volunteering some puppet show. He looks like, French. Francis Ford Coppola, this entire film. Fucking Francis Fordnopola, too. This guy, what are you kidding? No, thank you. Is this a fake beard? It is a fake beard.

He's going to be, you know, he's going to shave it halfway through. Yeah. It looks pretty bad. But this guy is just like, he's a kind of nobody. A big, a genteel soul, nice cap choose. Love that. Oliver Clark is his actor's name. This museum, it looks like they, and maybe this is what actually happened.

It's like the place where, like, you would find the, like, recorder of deeds for a city that they turned into a museum because like there's no openness to it. It's all hallways. Yeah. It is. I mean, I think it's an actual science museum that they call the children's view for the movie or whatever like and turned

into a bunch of other stuff since then. But with no fucking like open area that you'd want a museum to have. There's doors everywhere. What? Maybe they can only film in like one area. Sure. You've got to teach kids about doors. Sure. And hallways. You're going to be seeing a lot of these. You know what? I think that's

the parents, Eric, I think that's a home thing. You know, I might, this might... But lots of places... Oh, wow, Mr. Rich Man, a little fancy rich boy. You got doors and hallways in your house. Not everyone is as... As is as pious as you. And I'm a rich person, so of course, I'm into homeschooling.

That's her. We meet this. The dude who is this... So Joe Carruthers is the local actor. He's got this agent character who drives up... He's got a personalized license plate that says big deals. is Mercedes. L.O.L. A big deal. Really funny moment of him throwing the keys

at the mailman to park at the car. And speaking of, this is something that probably, to your point, Chris, I think Bill Maher probably auditioned and didn't get this role. For Mr. Big Deal's. Yes, exactly. This would be the Bill Maher role if there was one. This guy needs to be covered in sheetcake by the end of the movie.

This guy also needs to be more of a villain in some way. I mean, it's sort of just like, what do you mean, Joe? Why won't you do the movie? Like, that's not an antagonist, really. Also, what are you, what is the payoff for the agent of Joey Carruthers on securing his place in the Christmas Slay, a movie that will be shown in two theaters? Exactly. But we are told they are gearing up a Christmas Slay franchise, dude.

This is really pie in the sky. I mean, his, I mean, his end on this big deal has to be in the hundreds of dollars. But this was the video boom, right? Yeah, that's true. The video stores were doing. That's when you started getting those straight to video movies. Look at the Mark Borschart chart. Like, we sell 4,500 of these tapes.

Exactly, yeah. I mean, I feel like it's a direct buy kind of thing, much like the Mark Borechard thing. But at least with what's going on here, like we're holding auditions that actually happen. We're casting things like this production's a little bit ahead of Mark Bordchard. Yeah, it's a little more organized. For sure.

So he's like, he's like, I got you this role. It's been so long. Also, why if his entire career has been, I'm just the local. Mr. Rogers guy, yeah, it doesn't pay well, but I get to be with the kids. I'm such a sweet dude. Why would you have a cut-throat agent? Why wouldn't you have fired

this guy years ago? Right, yeah, it's like, you know what? You use too many dirty words on the phone with me, you know? Like, I don't like you, because it's like, he is one of those things where it's like a, he's an adult but like all he does is work with kids so he's like, just kind of a kid in that way. Like sometimes

that happens to people that, like, work with kids. They're like a little more kidish and you're like, can you kind of just be an adult load here? You're not at fucking work right now. That's the thing is, like, all he does is that all we've seen him do is that children's TV show and presentations with kids. Like, where would you get the idea to put him as a lead in a horror movie? That's a great question. Yeah, I mean, it turns out it's earnest saves Christmas, so I don't think any of this is really thought through.

What, find me the horror movie where the lead is a 50-year-old man. You know what I mean? Like, where is the sexual lady? Where is the final girl? No, yeah. That's the final uncle. action films, right? Yeah, Liam Neeson and all that.

But, like, yeah, this guy, like, when you see him later filming a scene from the movie, like he just is dressed, it looks exactly like old man Peabody from back to the future. And I'm like, I don't want to see that guy lead a horror movie. I wouldn't watch Christmas Slay or whatever the fuck. A series of horror movies. Oh, yeah, big pie in the sky ideas for Christmas Slay. Let me put it, because I know myself. I would absolutely watch Christmas Slay.

Oh, for sure. Shudder is going to get it at some point, and I will be watching it. No, Vinegar Syndrome is putting out to pristine. Pristine cut. So Santa comes there and he's trying to like tell this dude, hey, whether you like it or not, I've selected you to be my replacement Santa Claus. And like you can't get it out because agent guy keeps like pushing him out of the way. It's a very frustrating moment here.

It's your classic, like if these two characters were able to sit down and actually talk to each other, the movie wouldn't have to happen. Yes, exactly. I hate when that happens. Yeah, like just a quick, a quick conversation at the commissary. and we don't need to have this adventure by the way he leaves his I would call it a bag

if I was in the writer's room I would be like hey I was just looking at this can we control F and replace sack to bag so you're questioning the sack hood of this because dude they're standing there and this dude the agent's name is Marty and he's giving them shit about

like having the beard or whatever and then Santa out of nowhere and just goes my goodness my sack and runs out of the room and I'd be like if I'm the agent I'd be like Hey, real quick, that little old man that just yelled, my goodness, my sack, and then left the room. What the fuck was that about? This in a earnest movie, it's like putting a shot of whiskey in front of a reformed alcoholic.

It's like every, you are just asking for someone to make a ball sack joking. Of course, the whole time. So in the room, it's like, oh, that old man must have tore his scrot him. He pulled to Mr. Belvedere. And he's running to the bathroom to try to repair the damage. before it's too late. But nobody makes the jokes because it's a fucking earnest movie.

And the receptionist is like kind of smitten Billy Bird is the lady. She's a, you remember her from home alone? Yes, she's got a whole ball. She's got a dangly one.

She's got a whole drawer full of them. Dangly ones. She's a fun older actress who is like at first smitten with Santa Claus, but she was like, oh my God, his shack ruptured.

Oh, another one I lost. Scared another one away. Is it out? Can I see it? Where is it? Well, let me take a look. I have my sewing kit with me, you see. Just a working away with the needle.

I need a man. Don't mind the blood and man fluid. Hold on, actually. You must have not erupted in sack. There's no sack blood on the floor. Wait, look at the floor. There's no sack blood. It's a different color, you know.

It's more of a crimson than a red. Oh, Lord. So now, Santa Claus, as this mythical figure, I kind of forget stuff because I'm an old person. Oh, sure. He has a... Jolly fella. Yeah, but did he get, it's a sack of toys or is it a bag of toys? What is the terminology?

That's, I think this is kind of cool, and it also makes the elves actually irrelevant. It's this thing where, like, they have these weird or, A, you open the bag, because that's what Urban Ernest does, or the sack. He opens the sack. Yes. You hear this weird, like, ethereal scree. It's Marcel's Wells and Souls in this bag. It's my boss's dirty laundry. Kiss them deadly.

There's a weird little child laughter inside of it. Like, there's like souls of children in there. Oh, don't mind my collection. It's like Freddie Krueger. A sack full of balls. Are you fucking serious? It's a sack of sacks. It's cool because it's like an orb of light.

Obviously it's just a fucking ball with a light ball in it. But it's an orb of light. Yeah. You can ponder it sometimes. And that turns into whatever the toy the kid wants or that Santa makes it into, which is cool. But then there's no elves. What's the point of elves?

Right. And what do these elves end up even doing in the end? They just sit in the back of the way. It's basically logistics. Also, you get to go tofer on the, Look at these weirdos. Well, I wonder, maybe it's the thing, like, that's the orbs are how you make, like, the on-the-spot gifts. Got it.

You know, but they are doing, like, the backlog of the bulk of the work still happening up at the North Pole. Because there's a lot. I mean, like, even with taking, you know, Judeas, I mean, we get to it where it's like, actually, it's not all the kids in the world. It's just the kids who believe in, right? So maybe the orb can turn into, like, a bicycle, but it just has to be assembled. Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Right, yeah. It's just bike parts. It's like IKEA. Yeah, exactly. But so Ernest, he realizes he, first of all, he goes, he lets Santa off the 30 bucks. You know, it's a lot of money for Ernest, by the way.

But he goes, he gets immediately fired for it. Well, yeah, he's got to get fired, dude, because if he doesn't get fired, he doesn't have all this time to help out Santa Claus. There's never this moment where he's like, which would happen right after Santa gets off. He's like, so where don't drop you off little girl and it never happens well because he knows how to get

to his own house Steve and that's where she's getting dropped up and she'll never leave know what I mean also I think Ernest getting fired is a norm for the he gets fired and scared stupid I'm 90% I'm sure it's a homer sims that he's always yeah oh it's a silly job that he's got oh he certainly gets fired when he goes to jail

because the world doesn't understand he's just a man looking for a sack when he goes to camp is he working for the camp the only thing I remember about that movie is he gets the turtle on his nose. Right. I think he's a counselor. Oh, dude. You're praying for Jason Borees if that's the case. Oh, man.

Get Jay out there. I want to see it. Hey, Vern. I should stop talking to you because I think that I'm getting chased by that maniac. Hey, you won't play hockey? Hey, Vern, he's looking for me in these dark words. I better keep quiet. I can't talk to you right now. You understand what I'm saying? Or excuse me. Know what I mean?

What's that two, two, chach, chah, chas. Oh, yeah. He can dress him as his old motherly character. It could be. Jason, why are you trying to do this? Why did you break my neck, Jason? No, I'm going to get over this. You have just humiliated me for the last time, Jason. Come get a hug from your mother, Jason.

Exactly. It's just Ernest and he's got the neck brace, but he's wearing that tattered sweater. Yeah, absolutely. You've got to have the sweater. That's mom's sweater. I do like the one great thing is when Ernest gets fired. The boss throws the Santa sack at him and, like, Ernest then also gets hit with the Christmas tree that he's saying. That's kind of funny.

This is when they realized the SAC is indeed bad. She's, she, because she's the street smart, tough kid, is like, you could have just got out of that if you just lied. And I'm like, yeah, you're at work. Why aren't you lying? But much like Robocop before me, I am incapable of lying. This girl had some life, right? Like, we find out she's from Indiana.

Yeah. She has a runaway teen. Yeah. All the way down to Florida. Bad map, dude. You got to go somewhere else. Surely a state that won't exploit me, Florida. that's you know it's like a magnet for human trafficking a little bit like if there's a wayward teen

it's slowly drawn into florida at tops what two hours from gary indiana to tampa come uh but this is he so he's got a child i guess is the idea they find out at santa's uh sack and it's like oh you know who would probably help us out with this my dear friend verne and like we go to Byrne's house and he's, oh you know, little girl, Vern is just my very bestest friend in the whole wide world and we're just the greatest of buzz, b'b, b'b, this is pretty funny, but it's jarring. It is, right. The movie changes

immediate. Because it's like a point of view thing, you never see Vern, you just see this destruction. You are Vern is the age. It is the Christopher Walken seducer thing from SNL, but with Jim Barney. God, I haven't thought about that sketch in a while. That was a funny fucking repeater. I like that one.

But it's so weird. It's just, I Like, he's just fucking up to this dude's house. And again, is that a nice little... It is a nice little, like, Floridian Bachelor pad Vern has going on here. One floor, I don't, I don't think they have basements in Florida, so it's single floor. It looks like a half-circle driveway he's got to. Earlier on, Santa even says, maybe to Ernest or someone's like,

oh, yes, you used to run around with that other boy named Vern, I believe, I guess. Oh, good God, Santa. Don't you start saying it, too. Did he ever get out of the bad boys' asylum? Oh, did you? Oh, he just stare still. Oh, head over. Oh, you're invisible.

Are you still ruining his relationships with women? He's going through this house, like a little tornado of chaos, though. Like, he's like, oh, cool, Vern. It's like, it's not Christmas Eve, but it's like he has said something. Yeah, it's a 2030. He says something about like there's a, Vern is having a Christmas party. Yes. There's no one else in this house, but there's this huge punch bowl.

that Ernest, like an alien, picks the whole thing up and, like, sips out of. Oh, my God. I'm laughing already. He rips out the wiring out of the, you know, the electric out of the walls. There is the good joke where he's pulling on it and it's like, oh, Vern, I'm going to get like whatever out of the truck and he lets it go. And the chandelier crashes on the table. He's going to get a bolt cutter to, I guess, sever the electric line and electrocute himself. I do, I want the scene because he comes in with harmony and he's like, oh, Vern, about it's my friend.

And I kind of want there, like, even in that still P-OB, something, what, Verde? Yeah, we'll go to the kitchen. Yeah, Harmony, stay there. Well, she's the girl that I found. It's fine, Bert. It's not like the other time. It's not like the other time. She jumped in my cab this time.

I didn't drag her or nothing. Who dug the graves? I did. I didn't ask you to do nothing. I didn't ask you for a single thing. I did all the work. You just stood there and yelled at me the whole night. And you, look, yes, I need a new saw.

But look, we're working with water. We got here, Verme de Sweetheart, you know you're free to go any time, right? See, I just said it. She can go. She can go. Stop looking at me like that, Byrne. Stop looking at me like that, burn. That's the way out of it.

Officer, I told her she could go whenever she was. Yeah, totally. Whenever you want to leave. Kept on telling her that. Keep that. You can go whatever you want. Did you say something on this? So they just like destroy this dude's house and leave basically is the idea.

He completely destroys everything. and then Santa's arrested at some point. He looks for bold coders. He finds the sack. You realize the sack is magic. Oh, that's what it is. Therein Santa is real. Meanwhile, what do you call it there?

Marty Big Deals has had Santa Claus committed or arrested because he says that he's Santa Claus and he only has play money on him and no fucking real ID. And this dude's going. And it's America and you've got to get the fuck to the big house, pal. And he's saying his name is Santa. Yes. What does that tickle year like Santos? You know what I'm saying? Call the police. Santos Claus. That's right. A Spanish German. Got to watch out for those guys. Yes. They'll come for you.

He goes to general, it's general lockup, but everybody has posters in there, which I've kind of found strange. Yeah, it's very odd because it's not like, is this like a drunk tank type of situation? Everyone's wearing their street clothes. And then for some reason, there's pose. The posters thing is weird because I think it is more like a drunk tank. It's just the intake cell. Right, but are they just filming this in a Florida apartment building? Is that what it is? It must be.

Well, then they do get rooms later though. Yes. Because, or no, it's just a smaller cell, but a bunch of dudes are in it because this, when they eventually break him out in the cosplay scene. There's a million people in that cell, yeah. They're all like cramped, but yeah, there are like bunk beds at that point though. Zanda becomes very popular. immediately we do 12 days of Christmas

that's a fun little sequence Oh where he's got all the dudes like singing along Or whatever yeah that's actually not bad He does the he's like sort of conducting it And so he's like reaching his hand out of the cell To point at other people to sing a certain part And then I did like all the hands come out of the same time And they all start clapping for everybody

It's a fun little moment No yeah it's not bad Oh that's where I know Marty Jesus Christ It just struck me the fucking He is the mayor in the relic who is forcing them to go along with the thing. They're trying to can't... Tom Seisbore is trying to do the right thing for once.

He's the dude in the relic that wants to keep the beaches open, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. It was killing me. I love that. It's like Christmas Eve kind of around here. Yeah, but he realized that Sanda is arrested and this is when he does his big breakout of Santa. Right, he goes as disguise as some type of official

working with the governor. and brings along the girl, dresses her up in a very interesting manner. A school girl outfit, and it's a question of, like, who had this? And pig tails? The previous girl who's now deceased. Because this is... Hey, burn, we still got that outfit? No, the one Amanda had.

After the whole thing with Vern, they, like, go to his house and she just sleeps over. Because there is a next morning scene where he's, like, making pancakes on the griddle. Yes. And you're like, okay? Do you think they engaged in some types of things? I don't. It's just very weird because I don't think the people making this movie understand that because this actress playing harmony was like 16. Was she 16 while filming? Yes. She says she's 22 at some point.

That's her being a fake like, I'm trying to act tough on the road. Officer. Hey, Vern, a officer, she said she was 22. Yeah, exactly. And actually, you can ask my friend, Byrd, she said the same thing. He's a real guy. Oh, he's, no, he's in there. What you do is you go in there, you see, you got to put a huge hole.

in the wall at the same time you just yell hey verne then he'll appear oh please don't go into that room look I'm just a really big fan of blue beard look she's number six it's not that she is trapped in a house with a dangerous load exactly this guy is different than like

Ernest scared stupid where he's just running around with neighborhood kids and like he himself was like a little manchild kid so like you don't really think about it but this movie it's just she's too old to be playing this character I mean Ernest is very scared Right, right. He's constantly muttering to himself, speaking to himself, violent mood swings. His best friend is invisible.

His best friend is invisible. He dresses up like his dead mother. He's literally a friendly version of James McAvoy in Split. Yes. Like literally a nice version of that. He's just hanging out. Can you imagine if Ernest started like doing all that physicality stuff to like turn into the beast or whatever the fuck that's like running on the ground all fours? Hey, bird, the beast is coming. We gotta watch out.

Hey, Vern, I'll just be up here hanging from the ceiling with my claws. Oh, I wouldn't live an M-night, Ernest movie, right? The twist is that Vern was a ghost the whole time. Don't tease me. Oh, that would be. Well, then the non-twist was that Vern was also a ghost the whole time. You'd be like, well, yeah, you never... Actually, that's funny, though.

IMD trivia, unless I read it wrong and just completely, like, blew past it too fast, they inaccurately say that this is the only time you see Vern in earnest, and that's patently untrue. No, that's not happening. Which other... I think that the thing is, this might be the only movie where we do the, hey, Vern bit where it goes P of V. Yeah, that's what they're talking about. Maybe, but I'm, but I'm pretty sure that said this is the only time you see.

Well, you don't. It's incorrect. We'll put that in the McGinley file that we're building that Eric, Eric's lawsuit eventually. We'll head to court. What's so great about you constantly bringing up this Johnson McGinley, IMDB trivia thing that I was mad about was it wasn't on the show. It was just a real-life conversation we were having. Okay. But I've never seen you, like, we've found fibs and lies throughout IMDB for years now.

But the Johnson-McGinley thing really did seem to break you. You were genuinely, like, upset, furious. Fucking pissed off. They said the girl from the goonies grew up to marry Johnson-McGinley, and that makes me go, hmm. And I turned out that was not, it was a falsified peaking of your interest. Yes, okay, yes. Or your interest was piqued under false circuit pretenses. And there was possibly a bit brewing from that information for the Goonies episode.

There was possibly one on the way there. You got to kill your darlings. I imagine Timothy Spall just looking at the IMDB. I'm so sick of these fibs and lies. I almost, I'm almost saying the- Hard truth. He has to say it in that movie. He's not in that movie.

I know he just comes, but he comes in the middle, it's like, these are quite a few hard truths. And goodbye. But the IMDB. is unsolvigable. I think it needs to be scrapped and start over from the start. Yeah. All right. Well, there's another one that people use now that I think letterbox pulls

from and Cinematrix. Really? Because letterbox is way better with the information. TMD, the movie database I think is another one that's out there. Smart move. Whoever did that. Very nice. Yeah. A little IMDP alternative. But Ernest is, again,

he's a dangerous loner who's in between menial jobs. It talks to himself. Has it visible friends and he's an excellent liar so that's cool yep he just is a great showman he puts on this costume and now he's a world-class actor because it's not just lying dude that's a whole personality exactly yes his physicality changes and what's great is like it's jim barney which is very cool but like seeing it as ernest doing it you're like this guy's a fucking sociopath because it's weird because like the guy is smarter that the guy ernest turns into is

smarter than her. The dean of prisons or whatever this guy is. He could just walk into the police station and take over. Yes. It's incredible. He's like, oh, well, the governor's mansion is, the governor wants this needs to look at prisons and she's, you know, there

like airheadishly in the schoolgirl uniform. And it's like It's really tough. And she's put out like a baby voice too. It's real weird. She's like, oh, Unki Governor would be upset to hear about how you're treating this old man in prison. And we meet Santa Claus, who is indeed like, you know, he says he's Santa Claus like,

well, this man needs to be at a mental institution, not here. Right, he needs to be isolated because his insanity is infectious because another guy was like, he is Santa Claus. Right, because all the tough guys in the clink, like believe him or whatever. And Ernest says that he's going to take him to the padded cell penitentiary. Yes. In which they They celebrate way too early

You need to get in the car You can't be woo-hooing in the parking lot You absolutely can't You're at a police station Yeah you gotta be fucking down the road At the IHop And then you reveal your fucking shit Because you know they got some fucking squad car

Like two blocks down the road That's like oh they were woo-hooing in the car We saw them drive past They were woo-hooing I mean you say that I think you have to go for I think you have to wait until you have fully digested Your Moons over my hand

And then, I guess, I would be like, yes, nice. We're going to have to go after those guys because the people that took Santa out of here, that dean of prisons, well, he just kissed that 14-year-old girl. Well, I know you've been very good about keeping the beast at bay. But let me talk to Mr. Lawyer, man. Ernest, why? Because she's like over the moon.

Ernest, we did a great child. We're a great team. Oh, my God. What is the stain on this dress? What is this? What is this? so somewhere around here is like he, Santa explains what the deal

is and he says that he started being Santa in 1889, took the job over from a German chap I did which... I have 150 questions. You're from Prussia. Is that the German guy's ID? Is that you know what I mean? Yeah. Because it's

the same shit. You could just fucking tape a new picture over an old one that's true. So yeah, you could do anything back then. They literally could. All those Catch Me If You Can tricks, you know, a little scratchy. Yeah, our Santa Master Forger, dude. So many years of no DNA evidence, no cameras everywhere. You could do anything.

Like, who's that guy in London you love? Jack the Ripper? Yeah, you guys love that guy. Who's that guy in London? They never caught him. They never caught him. You know why? Because whenever anyone asked if he said, are you Jack the Ripper, he said no.

That's all you need to do. That's the extent of the law enforcement of detect. All right, so, right, wait, nice bloody knife day, so, are you Jack the Ripper? Well, I will know I'm not. All right, get on the way. You can even do it like this, though. Like, oh, yeah, are you jacked the ripper? And you could go, no, I'm not.

And then, well, he said, no, this is dog's blood. We have a witness to say you are on post road and Saturday and night. No, I wasn't. Oh, all right. Okay, back to square one. Investigations fall into pieces again, it has. The guy who said he was checked there to be yesterday. I can't find him.

I think he might have shaved his eyebrows. Now he's gone forever That crazy that he just grew old and died presumably Like had in regular life Do you think if a successful serial killer So the great is right Like Jaddy Ripper Zoddy If you remain uncaught

Yeah You go to heaven, no It's a loophole Even better You can run against God in the elections You don't die You are just because you've collected All these souls

You're living high off the hog Of all the souls you capture People forget about the soul collecting aspect It's one of the most important parts of murder. It is. You can't just leave the soul on the side of the road? Remember to do the ritual. I presume that's what the orbs are made of. Yes, exactly.

The kids have been taken by Sam. 12 and under. But so one of the things too, Reddy, he's like, by the way, here's the thing. I have to get Joe Carruthers to agree to take this job by 7 p.m. tonight. It is, the Goodfellas font came up and told us this Christmas Eve.

If it's not 7 p.m. tonight, I'm stuck doing it another year, I'm so powerless at this point that another term of me as Santa Claus, I would fail the world. Okay, good. Who gives a shit? By the way, this is right right before. And I have a debate tonight. Oh, no.

If Joe Carruthers can't take over myself, I'll have to do the debate myself. We're very happy. We're going to have Santa Claus is going to take over presidency. But that's what we're going to do now. This Santa's too thin, by the way. What the fuck? Is that how? Powers are going away.

I think again, that's like, it's like an old hamster, dude. You're just like, that ain't what he used to be. Also, this guy is just terrified because he knows the only other way this is going to end up is him being dead at Tim Allen's driveway. So it's like, you know what, dude? I need to pass it on to Joe Carruthers so I could bang this lady that's fucking and tearing tickets at the children's music. Now, how would that, is there still magic?

Does he get, like, grab an orb and it becomes like a Viagra or something? Oh. How is, but he seems like an old guy. to actually be able to get it up. I think again, it's a thing where it's like he's just had while his life as like a human being has been muted while he's this Santa Claus figure. Do you think you can't come as he said? No, no, no, no, he can't.

That's the thing. No, no, no, listen. So Santa comes? There's all this backlog of boners that didn't get activated over the years that are like, now it's just here to stay. Because he was too busy? Because he was Santa Claus. And it was like Santa Claus doesn't get a boner. Santa Claus doesn't get a boner. No. That's insane. I know. What about the off season? There's so much. Well, this is the question that, these are the questions Joe should be asking.

It's like, well, so can't, do I have to live up to the North Pole? Who am I fucking? Can I get a boner as Santa? I get, but Joe needs to be asking, like, can I smoke up there? What's the cable package situation? But this is what I'm trying to fucking say. The reason why Joe is selected, because Joe has none of those interesting vices that make life worth living. He doesn't watch fucking movies with swearing in him.

He definitely doesn't smoke. He doesn't consume alcohol. Cable TV, that's for the devil. So he's an in-cell, huh? Yeah, he spends his time volunteering at a fucking children's thing, and then he goes home, he probably watches, like, cartoons, eats Kraft Mac and Cheese and goes to sleep.

You need another fellow man-child to become San-Bow. I don't buy the In-Sel thing, though. I don't think he's that angry at the world. It's not in-cell. It's just a little bit of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just doesn't do it. Yeah. Oh, cool. All right. Because he's too busy thinking about like cartoons and Kraft Mac and Cheese.

Making kids happen. That's what he's out there to do. Send him to the North Paul, send him to Antarctica then, whatever. So you're at, when you ask this dude to give, and that's the other thing, absolutely no fucking family, you have to pick someone that has close to almost nothing and is happy with that. Yeah. And that person gets to be Santa Claus.

So Joe is on set. He had a test screening with the kids. It went well. So now they're going to do a test footage thing the next day. And I believe here is when he is going to, he's on set for a Christmas slay. We don't know it's a horror movie yet. that's kind of a punchline that's coming up. And, like, basically, like, I'm a little uncomfortable with the script.

I don't know what to do. Like, just film it, just film it. And, you know, he puts his kids to bed tenderly, like, that you saw in the earlier scene. Yeah. And then there's a knock at the door, and it's, like, the creature of the Black Lagoon. It's some sort of plant monster thing, which, like, all right. Okay. And he's, like, die, you son of a, and he can't say it.

He can't do it. Yeah. And this is what I'm talking about. Like, this is, you know. Die you, he's not son of a gun. Yeah, exactly. By the way, at this point. Oh, that's right. We've now skipped over two fucking Ernest disguises that we'll just go through really quickly.

Turn around. One is we got to turn this car around. We got to drive backwards down the highway. Slam the brakes. Get the trees. Save the tree. It's fun to drive like Ernest. Like my dad did. We did kind of talk about one when he dresses up like his mother. But the reason he does that is they go to the talent agent's office and they're like, where is Joe? When this happened, I literally, because I do remember that woman being a character was unclear if that was supposed to be Jim Barron. It was supposed to be Jim Varney. Was it supposed to be Ernest or not, rather. I'm sorry. Oh, oh, yeah.

No, see, that's the thing. In the shows, I believe these were different people. So there were shows? Yeah, Ernest was a T, there was like TV shorts or something. Shorts, you're sure. It's kind of like The Simpsons. Yeah. It started as a commercial or something.

And then they put it on the Tracy Allman show. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah, that shows responsible for birthing both the Simpsons and Ernest. And it's kind of a fun bit where, he is the old is like oh my son i just walked from the high from the airport he's pretending to be marty's mother is what it is and this receptionist has to be like oh well he's like on set out of shoot and blah blah blah so he squeezes that

information out of her he gets on the lot yes this Orlando lot by pretending to be a snake wrangler we got the snakes ready to harm he's doing a fucking sling blade voice he's got fake teeth in like this is a lot of money that he's got a chest full of weird shit. He puts a decal on the car and saying like, you know, it's the, a poco or whatever, a snake ranch. I guarantee

you back there he's got six different license place just in case you. Absolutely, dude. Absolutely. A drop bag with 10 grand. Ernest is like a vampire. Like vampires, you know, accumulates so much over the decades and centuries from people they kill and whatever. He does that with his victims

too. Like he's just going to like local community theaters and like killing the star of the show and taking their costumes. their essence. So maybe he killed a snake wrangler at some point in his life and now can transform into that. That's how he knows all the jargon and like lingo and shit so fast. I guess

that's the element of like magic and stuff for him at least. Because otherwise I just think he's the jackal. He's just been taking this stuff out and he's just got to move here and there. He's on the computer getting his next job. Hey Vern, I built a machine, an automated machine gun that I can control from another

location. It's 0.003 percentile off. Where it should be. Watch Jack Black go boom. Don't move. That is an awesome part of that movie. We got to do that movie. It's Bruce Willis, so it's a little tetchy these days.

I'm not going to pick fun of Bruce. No, no, no, no. But it's been long enough. It's fine. We should say Harmony has been left alone with the sack. Oh, right. Because they're like, hey. She's rummaging in it.

Because there has been some Santa quick convo between the two of them where he's like, oh, yes, no, I must be mistaken. and I was thinking you were this other little girl who ran away from Indiana and has a mother who definitely loves her. And she's like, well, what if that girl got mad because she couldn't watch tiny teens after school and ran away?

Like, whatever the fuck is. Then I would call her a little fucking brat. And I would say, grow the fuck up. He takes Santa on the lot, though, when he's pretending to be the snake wrangler and he's like, all right, Santa, you just got to stay in the truck or whatever it is. Because Santa has been pretending

that he's the snake under a canvas or whatever. They're like sneaking him in. Yeah, yeah. He sits up and there's like a couple of Santa babes that walk by. Dude, he does a fucking mustache. Oh, my, my, my. Santa could get into show business after all. I just need to get rid of all this Santa bullshit.

I could start fucking again. Yeah, that'd be grateful. I can feel that backlog of boners coming. Oh, that's it. Oh, what's happened? Oh, my God. What is that? When the filming is going on, too, it's a weird,

like you're watching this dude play a director, he's directing it as if it's a silent film. Yes. This is the most insane. He's like, now you're going to creep toward the door. What was that noise? Oh, that's okay. You're going to keep going towards the door.

What was it? No, it's fine. Like, it's just that we, you know, I felt like I was watching fucking shadow or the vampire. What's funny is, I just rewatched Ed Wood. And in that, you know, it's just like, okay, now you're creeping to the door. And you're very upset. You're not that upset. Constantly like directing them and one taking it.

That's how this felt, too. But he won't do it. And then this is when Santa Claus basically finds out what Santa Slay is all about. And it's like, it's a horror. Santa's what? Killing children. Terrorizing children, did you say? On Christmas!

And also, why are we filming this on December, fucking 24th anyway? Because this is the industry. This is the fucking Florida film fucking industry. Well, no, but what about the post-producing? Is it going to take 12 months of post-production? When are you releasing this? Oh, no, it's, no, dude, this is a fucking April dump.

You watch out on video shelves. April 7th. By the way, we are also cutting back and forth with Chuck and Bobby. Oh, sure. Can't forget those guys. They get the reindeer out.

They think, or these Latvian goats or the aliens, they're walking on the ceiling. One good moment was Chuck there opens an umbrella. It's like, well, I don't know about you,

but I'd rather be safe than sorry. So that's a reindeer pistol. Yeah, I don't want to get pissed on. Yeah, I like that. I also like, animal control shows up at one point. They're like, well, where are these reindeer keep talking about? They point to the ceiling.

and like, oh yeah, we only do regular reindeer, I'm gonna walk out of it. Oh, flying reindeer? That's out of our jurisdiction. That's not us. It's just run away. It's pretty great. But there's more here of Santa just being like trying to convince Joe. They do have the sit down. This is the- He punches the director of the face, which is-

Santa does, yeah, yeah, yeah. Assaults a man. I guess that's again, the powers will leave it. Well, you're making this filthy little Christmas movie. Oh, that's right. No, he sees the ladies. He gets horny. And, like, now his brain chemistry is changing a little, right? You know what I mean? Again, like, the Santa magic is believing. Exactly.

Because you get, like, he gets all horned up and violent this Santa. It's got to go somewhere. This rage has to go somewhere. And it's a real serious black guy. This guy's, like, fucked up later in the movie. When you see him later at, like, the contract signing, it's totally brutalized for now. Like, solid right hook from Santa, I have to say. This guy who looks like Larry Bird's unemployed brother.

Oh, wow, he does. He definitely does look like Larry Bird knows. Yeah. Gary Bird. Quick question, just because you've seen it, at least. Do you think Santa Slay would have been better or worse than Terfire 3? It's got to be better In terms of Christmas horror

It would have to be better You know why Here's the thing Because I bet you that plant monster Whatever the fuck talks Yeah This silent clown shit It's just the worst fucking thing

I've seen I'm sorry Whoopsie I saw it a person in half Wow That's cheeky You said Santa Slay Which is an actual movie Oh no I'm sorry

Christmas Slay Santa Slay I believe is with Bill Goldberg It's probably better also That probably yeah What is this This is a Christmas script you've given me oh i can't wait to read it oh it's it's in french inside you say it takes place on christmas eve oh that's that's nice and oh oh inside takes place on christmas eve

i don't remember that part oh oh scissors me timbers holy crap that movie's tough one that's tough i didn't remember the christmas part of it now i'm like well because yeah yeah you sick fuck tis the season uh but yeah it is he says right here if the torch isn't past Joe the flame goes out Christmas will die and then they'll just I mean God

the parents would have to buy the presents They can't handle that kind of financial pressure At this time Joe Christmas dies in darkness Oh and then the paper also Then decides not to endorse Christmas this year we decided to not endorse Christmas it's time for someone new

it's time for you Joe and again I want to ask all these questions I want one question I really want to ask it always bothered me the Santa Claus like can I eat like savory foods or am I now cursed to eat only dessert Oh it's like if a vampire tries to eat food And they just like get really sick and throw it up I think you're fun

I think that's just a Santa Claus thing that they were doing that where, like, everything has to be a milkshake. Coco and fucking all this shit. Cookies, right? Look at a fucking ham and cheese on rye if it's possible. Well, maybe when it's not Christmas, right? Do you think he's forced to eat cookies and milk throughout the year?

Because I think you've got to keep up that physique. Yeah, the gut has to stay. Well, this guy's fucking not doing it. Well, he says, it's his first day. No, I meant the old time. Because he's withering. It's his last day. Listen, make that fucker eat cookies and milk, right?

I don't care. Oh, the cookies are the, Eric's got a funnel and he's crumbling the cookies and he's a whole cart of milk down. You can't say your Santa Claus without that stuff. You got to do it. So Ernest gets screwed over like as the snake

guy because these dudes come out and they're like oh hey snake guy and they dump like all of these snakes in his truck which he's not too scared about or anything like that he's not but it does turn into a pretty decent visual gag where like they're back at his house or something and he's talking to

Santa I think and he's getting the snakes out of the flatbed, he's throwing him out. But then when he turns around to face it, because it's just all Jim Varney shot from behind, when he turns around, he's got all the snakes like stuck to his face that are like bit him, but he's not acknowledging. And they are not putting any effort to be like,

no, it's just toys. It's toy snakes and they're attached to it. They're just... Oh, yeah, no, they look like the littlest, rubberiest little shit things. Santa does tell Joe, like, listen, you know, you have to decide by 7 p.m. tonight, I'm going to be at the Children's Museum. That's where you'll meet me to become Santa Claus.

Right. Is this where he shows up at his house and he's Santa's pissed off because he's shaved the beard off and he's dyed his hair because basically like he had this big conversation about Santa Claus and then I think I think something something at this point the that's right this is where he gets humiliated though. Yes. Because the girl

has flipped the bags like she's been we keep cutting back to her and she's like making toys out of the orbs or whatever. Because you started to get money out of this fucking thing. Right and it's like oh that's not going to be worth anything. That's not going to be worth anything. And then like Ernest and Santa have this conversation about like oh you did you leave her with the bag like is that okay that

she's left with the bag and it's like no no all good girls or whatever the fuck you have to trust people are honest right yes exactly and then like the girl makes a switch at some point so santa goes with the dummy bag to this guy's house and he's like see joe here's my bag and he turns it open and it's like shreds of paper or something feathers that's what this old man's just a crazy old fuck what's you doing killing birds He's just like, yeah, and he's like, why did you dye your hair, Joe? And he's like, because I need more than feathers to live. I got my sack of animal cockasies.

There's dead birds in here. He's chasing him, throwing dead pigeons on. You gotta become Xanicals. All the toys for the boys and girls here. Look at the race truck. It's a fucking dead rabbit. Look at the racing car. Like the heads off and throw them like grenades.

Come back. Your Santa. Here's your cookie. It's a dead squirrel. Eat it. It is great though Because when this guy's looking I have like you crazy old fucker

He's like I swear the sacks got switched Yeah That's what you get for trusted fucking shitty runaways You know what lifetime I know you're listening The wrong sack Also just easy could be made in five days We should check IMPB to make sure the right sack Or the wrong sack has not been made

They have made the right sacks No pornography I know you're listening Sack swap Smas Wait, hold on in pornography's listening? Hi. Hi, pornography. How are you doing?

Here's some ASMR for you. Oh, Adolf Brazzers. I know you're there. I do want to do what this girl does at the bus station just once. Oh, train station, yeah. Train station. She puts a bunch of money down, like, she's got four, nine, nine bucks. It goes, how far will this get me?

And he's like, I don't know. I think he says Tampa or whatever. Miami. So she's like going even farther south now is the idea. What's the end game there to swim to Cuba? Just walk right into the ocean. Yeah. End it.

Just end it all. Make a lot. I mean, honestly, you could make a, what, like a specialty toys store. Yeah. Just each one, like, crazy expensive. Oh, this was made by Redwood from Redwood, you know? It's very special. Oh, yeah.

This was a little hobby horse here was made from a 2,000-year-old tree. So $500,000, if you would please. And also, I'm curious, like, from. bus eight people you know you're listening but we'd have some bus and door train agents listening has that ever happened to somebody come up to you with a just thrown a bunch of money like how far could this get a real sad wad of cash yeah because i for sure thought i was going to do something like that at some point yeah exactly that's that's like the foot job under the table thing like i was like this happens too often into movies for it not exactly at some point i'm

going to say how far can this get me okay yeah no okay right into the mailbag if someone is putting money down and saying how far can this get me we all hate movies at gmail. come as well as foot job i i the the if you've got your nuts played with under a table with a foot with a foot i know hand stuff no no it's like the girl the girl the girl or a person or man or whatever is cross the table yes and they they stick their leg out and start playing with your your junk first date or under by the way so first date or co-worker thing that turned weird because that's what happens right it's initial it can be a marriage that you're trying to spice up no no no no yeah you fucking diddle my balls with your toe at the red lobster happy fifth wedding and

Exactly. I know you love Greblins too so much here. I wore this red wig for you. Chris is absolutely right. Throughout my entire life, I was like, I know it's coming. I know this is going to happen to me at some point. Some business reading, I'm going to go, who my bow tie's going to spin. Exactly. Big Canadian steakhouse we're eating at.

Cynthia, you're not going to believe it. We role played that scene from Weekend at Burning. And it was so hot. That's right. He fell right down the lighthouse stairs. It was so hot. And then I had an Italian say, he's screwing my fiance

Oh yeah Actually that's kind of You know what I'm a million dollar idea That we're gonna We're gonna put out a book next year called VHS role play Mm-hmm How to spice up your marriage

Yes Six sexy scenes You know, Chris It's a great point about The Weekend of Bernie's I've actually cosplayed this during sex Oh really? Yeah I went completely limp

In a restaurant you did this? No no no no no I went limp at the privacy of my own home In the restaurant I'm hard as a rock That's good. I was going to say, Steve, it's great because, look, one of the few places where you can't find our product is sex shops. Exactly. That's true. That's true. We would love to be there. We got to, we're diversifying our portfolio. We want to get into the sex stuff. We really are active. We think about these things. We offer to, you know, do the whole like dildo mode with our own schvanzas. We were turned down nearly instantly. Yeah. They weren't interested in pocket dildos like that. It's just not. Yeah, they said that it needs to be shaved like a penis. And we're like, but no, it is.

Oh. That looks more like a bowl of spaghetti, fellow. Just you say that you look like the hand of the killer and I know what you did last summer. That's like one of those trick straws that go around. Yeah, it's a market we've yet to tap. So this would make perfect sense. We like to think about this stuff. Also send us business ideas.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So these are when the little elves. show up. Here's the helper elves into the freight shipping area here. There's a lot of fun because neither Chuck nor Bob or whatever Chuck or Buck. Chuck and Bobby know how to read

so the whole movie they're trying to read the way bill. It's like that's an AM, no that's an AIL, that's an E, that's an R. Like helper Elves is like what it is but they think it's like Elms. They think it's Elms. Yes. That's a guy named Elms. That's right. So Ernest has been

tasked to get the reindeer to the children's music. Yes. This is all we're racing towards the finish line here. It's like Santa is responsible for getting Joe to the children. Why this all has to go down at the children's museum? I have no idea. It's one of the four locations. Oh, that's right. Chris already specified. That's the why. Yeah, that's right. But yeah, so we have to do that. And then like, Ernest has to go. You have to get my sleigh and all the reindeer earnest because I've just left all that shit in boxes at the airport. And so we've got Ernest. He's got this big truck from somewhere. I think the Burns truck Oh is it Vern's truck? Yeah Oh hey Vern you're cool with me borrowing this right He'll probably say yes You're not gonna be using it tonight

You don't hunt until Tuesdays right Burn goes hunting Not dear But he's got this thing Here's where you don't want And you know he's got a lot of experience Ernest hanging around the outskirts of the airport He's got some device that he made

Where it's like you press this button And the gate opens but then he drives over the security spikes the wrong way. Fucking moron. Because he winds up going to Chuck and Bob and is like, listen, I'm here on behest of Santa Claus. Like, no, we're looking for helper elmese or whatever. And then these two little elves show up and help her elves actually. And like now they show their ears and like we're off to the races.

Yes, he blows all four flat tires. How are we going to get back to the Children's Museum? Well, I have an idea. Let's hook up these reindeer to the sun. slay and we're going to do this now. Because you can't, I'm sorry, you can't have a movie about Ernest P. Whirl's saving Christmas

without Ernest fucking driving that stuff. It's just not going to happen. Cut to my dad doing 70 on Pellon Park at 9 o'clock at night. It's just like the sleigh, Steven. We have magical reindeer just like Ernest. Get the fuck on the road, you fucking mook. Oh, he didn't have

air brakes, though, did he? No, you can talk. You can talk you can talk to the little people I hired you can talk to them there are nice people you know this isn't I do love we go back to the museum and we're waiting for everybody

Santa is there fully convinced that like this isn't going to work he's sitting on a bench and then like man isn't it convenient long dangly ones lady comes out and she's like well actually I too have no fucking family so hello could we could possibly be banging

partners. Oh, man. Think about all those wrinkles smashing together. He explained that he is Santa Claus. She believes him. He's like, what do you stop believing in Santa Claus in 1931? The Allies were on the box.

She must have dementia or something to believe that this guy's Santa Claus. Absolutely. Yeah, to just go with it so easily. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he just mentioned like, oh, because your older sister told you. He uses the Santa Claus like mental tap thing, which usually like seals the deal for most people. Do you think

does that go away? Like is he not going to be able to remember every single? Which that's for the best man. You should be keeping that information. I would love to know everything. I would love to know everything about everyone. Absolutely. And just freak them out, right? And then you know, use it for bad things. Well, okay, but here's the thing. Would you would you, uh, you know, trade that for no boners? That's a tough one. Yeah, I'm going to tell you. That's

think about it. We've got to end of the episode in a few. Don't worry. In the new year, I'll address this. Okay. Joe gets offered this role at the 11th hour. There's this contract signing thing. Which you would absolutely do at 8 p.m. or at 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Yep, exactly. That's when you're having this meeting.

I'll sign with Waystar Roy Co. There is hilarious into Christmas point. This big Florida Hollywood sign above it. That's awesome. The guy, I guess, like, if this is to be believed, the trivia says that this guy who plays the executive who dresses him down in this moment because Joe's like I don't know if I want to do this I got some notes on the

script before I signed can't we take out all the violence and bad language and this guy's like it's a fucking horror movie you stupid motherfucker this is the business all this stuff fucking done with this hire David Harbor and let's get this fucking movie done yep exactly but this guy supposedly is dressed up

to look like Jeffrey Katzenberg really yeah and so that I mean that's apocryphal trivia crap and Ernest is assholing around the space with the elves in the reindeer thing and it wishes by the window at the last minute thus convincing Joe that said to Israel sure and he leaves and again like he doesn't really give the Marty the business he just sort of was like sorry Marty I got something else to do whatever he says what's insane I just realized my career you you you know you you value the dollar

over whatever right I just realized because this is the big failure right I don't think this guy who's like the pseudo villain of the movie has any scene with Ernest at all. No, you're right how does that he has to be totally disgusted by Ernest like Ernest does something in his office There's so many avenues

that you could have gone down with this like Ernest could get into the creature the Black Lagoon costume Oh dude yeah shit like that I'm about to make my big screen debut Don't shoot me Vern Hey Vern it's me He gets fucking killed

There's a POV shot of a shotgun taken about it looks like doom for all for a second it pulls back it's a we finally do see Vern it's power's booth oh fucking final hell yeah that's I think a good what a reveal

foil for him and his last words are I am done with you fucking up my life yes I have had it up to here with you ruining my life this is my fifth house in ten years there's some stuff here while he's

flying the sleigh crazily that's pretty funny I think it may lead to like the PG rating because there's a lot of like the elves are screaming he's going to kill us. And then he's like, we're all going to die! It's funny. It is kind of funny. It's a funny little bit.

I do like him. He's fucking snorting like an oxygen mask because they're flying up so high. That's pretty much. He's a daddy wants to fuck. Meanwhile, Harmony is just waiting for this bus to Miami and there's a family that does it.

The little girl believes in Santa Claus. The boy doesn't. They're on hard times They're moving on Christmas Eve And it's like, well Santa no The answer is no Santa's gonna miss you this year Sweetheart's Mommy will Santa find us

Wherever we go to escape daddy Exactly Santa you know He could still give you presents on December 28th Okay so it's fine So but this warms her heart She realizes oh no Well no she gets disgusted

Yes Because one of the kids says The other one they're like Santa's not real And she's like freak out like How could you say that oh my god you have no idea how good you have it you have a fucking oh wait a minute i figured it out as i was berating these total strangers

i figured it that yes and i also have a family that i should probably go to but first i should probably do the right thing which is return the thing to the children's museum which is a little place i know where to go yeah so she goes to the children's museum with the sack by the way real quick uh with the kids right because she's like where do you get off don't say that to her this is santa's sack the one kid if it's santa's sack why do you have it Oh, sick, yeah, you got a point there. I love that. Yeah.

Something, something needs to happen. Like, she, he shakes, I think Joe shows up first. He's like, well, I'm here. Can I be Santa Claus? And they do the weird power transfers, even though the sack isn't there. No, no, no. No, it's the other way. She shows up.

She shows up weepy with Santa. Says she's going to call mom and dad. That's the funny. We're going to Ernest is. Yes, it's a totally, I don't buy it at all line. And she's crying a Santa Claus, and she's like, I just missed you so much. And earnest. I was like, no, you don't feel the need to put your kidnapper in with that.

Oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah, sure, I miss him. Was that his name? Oh, God. My captor. That was his name. So they shake hands, the power trits where it happens. And for some reason.

Body horror happens. What is the need to make it snow aside from that one old guy wished it? There you go. That's good. Yeah, okay. And it's also to showcase some magical power that he's gotten. I think that's more. what it is, is like a showcase.

And that causes the, I mean, the fucking sleigh is like out where Iron Man was at the end of the first Avengers movie. And like, that causes it to drop for some reason. Yes. And I do love the bit with the, you see this old, this old bastard, it's like, well, I don't care if it's Christmas Eve. We're closing the deal tonight.

And then it's like, it's snowing. Oh, you know what? Let's go back home with our families. It's Christmas Eve. It's so funny. And I'm like, man, I'm so glad we saw that. dude talking to Santa on the airplane. Like you need a third scene with this guy

somewhere. And also snowing in Orlando, Florida. Where are the shots of the thousands of car wrecks? Yeah. Dead people everywhere. Guys running around with guns. The gators getting loose. Fucking lawlessness breaks out. I don't know. Now I just... The end of society. You said gators are just a fucking Florida.

There's just a gator running around a little Santa Santa hat type of time. I don't know. It's kind of cute. Cute and terrified. Cutely terrified. I don't make you out of... People apple sausage. But so they get Ernest, the end of his fuckery is like they go up into the stratosphere

or whatever and like they're frozen there and it's like, nobody make any false moves. And then like one of the elves sneezes and the shit just like falls out the sky basically and lands at the children's museum at the last second. Oh, that's right. It's vertical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Air brakes.

Yeah, exactly. And now Joe's Santa Claus and everybody's happy and it's this weird thing where it's like well Santa I can't have a driver for the night can't I Ernest handles this better than anybody and then can't we have a

honorary helper helper? Help her. Hey thanks a lot Santa if I left her at my place she might have escaped know what I mean? Up here it's like international waters you know what I mean my locks are very old oh man we will be going to

different countries where the age of consent will change drastically. I hope you enjoy the Philippines. And it just ends on this little old person date where he's like, I was once known as Seth Applegate back in Warring, Prussia. Seth Applegate in Prussia. What were you doing there? I don't know. And she's Mary Morrissey, just a nice little lady there.

My son's a singer. He's very nice. questionable beliefs he's a vegetarian meat is murdered don't you know but I mean literally you might as well have Rodney Dangerfield run out and go hey everybody Santa Claus is going to get laid

because it ends on like now it's sweet little horny days getting out of red rubber although I guess he probably doesn't have to worry about getting her pregnant I think that's probably in the clear But it's a peppermint flavor. Yeah, if you come dust into cobwebster, that nothing happens.

But, yeah, that is indeed how earnest saved Christmas ever. There is. Go around the horn here for some final thoughts, Eric. Yeah, no, this didn't work for me. I'm usually an earnest defender. I like ghosts to jail. And I like, I like to scare stupid sort of. I mean, but the thing is that maybe I need to go back and watch all of these.

I think you do. Maybe my, maybe I'm just shifting on earnest. I'm turning on him. I just, I, this, it just, it was grading to me a little bit. Yeah. I think the problem is like,

you say it's got a budget. I don't see it on the screen. Sure. I, I don't know, man. It's just this murky, hazy Florida. No. Fair enough.

Chris Gavin. Yeah, it's not for me. I mean, of the earnest movies, I only really remember, uh, jail, camp and Scared Stupid. This one, I didn't remember

any of it. Nothing, nothing came back at all. And I was Jail Camp, Scared Stupid, and this one are like the four major ones. Because I think also, at some point He goes to Africa. Well, no. But all that's, I'm curious, actually, now I'm realizing I don't know.

What was the theatrical release cutoff point for these movies? Oh, that's a good. Scared Stupid definitely came out in theaters. It definitely did. I'm wondering if that might have been the last one. I think school might have have or that would be the one that broke it or not. Yeah. Well, I did not see school. I did not see

Ernest goes to war either. Not in that. Ernest in Vietnam? All right, so here they all are. I was in the Korean conflict, Vern. Goes to camp, goes to jail, saves Christmas, goes to jail, scared stupid. And then it looks like, then

it's Ernest rides again. Oh. Then it's goes to school. slam dunk ernest is somewhere around here slam dunk i think that's the one after 95 yeah so that's next and then africa and then uh rides again would be the one that was either in theaters or went through that was the breaker the army earnest goes earnest in the army it looks like it's the maybe the last one that was released or period right i'm sure this was not released in theaters oh yeah no i mean like just but we don't we'd have to look but anyway anyway yeah i don't think it's very good

I also don't think it's much of a Christmas movie. It feels like it's mostly about a job offer. The job of Santa Claus. But like even that, like I guess it's because it's also Florida that there's not like much feeling. Like there's not much like, even the end of it like you would think this is like, well, you know,

we don't have families, but we found an adoptive in, but they're all going somewhere else. Like it's not like that's happening either. Yeah, that's all broken up. There's no warmth to it. And that's usually what I'm looking for. The warmth is from Florida. I guess. But nobody's sweating. Come on.

No, that was something that I didn't bring up our big guy there, Teddy or whatever. Oh, sure. John, yeah. He's just randomly, like, looking at a triplicate form and just the sweat. And I was like, oh, Chuck, yes. Yeah, like, you needed to towel that dude off before you're doing the scene where he's whatever with the rain. Yeah. Anyway, yeah.

Okay. Ernest Rides again did go to the theaters and then limited theatrical release in, oh. For Ghost of School, limited release in Cincinnati, Ohio. And Louisville, Kentucky. Are those the two places the movie was filmed? And that was like a favor they had to do. A week run at Cinema Village. Steve Sadek, what do we think?

And final thoughts on Ernest? It's a recommend for me. It's not like a Christmas classic. I have not seen this movie in 20-some-odd years. And I did forget a lot of it, but I remembered quite more than I thought. And you know what? Here's my thought on Ernest. Is in a movie context, I actually like that this movie is,

he's the cheese and not the meat of the sandwich you know what i mean like sure it's just like he's in the movie he's affecting the movie he's probably quote unquote the best part of the movie but it's not it's not his movie necessary that's a good observation yeah it's just wants it's i like him being around the plot not being the plot um i you know it's it's it's a recommend for me my sad childhood tale about this movie aside uh yeah i was i guess kind of fucking smelling the old oak from that apartment a little memory smells there yeah I don't know it's it is weird

in the sense of like Christmas movies generally take place in places where there's snow for them I do think that on the other hand like if you're a kid that grew up in places that don't have snow you're like finally one for us you know and then as far as final thoughts on earnest yeah I don't know like I haven't

seen all of the earnest movies maybe that's a project for me and the week between Christmas and New Year I'll watch all the fucking earnest movies you'll be surprised to here that a ghost to Africa has been, is not on streaming. You can only rent it. Yeah, totally. If you hit play on it, it's just a huge bar

that comes up and it's like, this used to be acceptable, but it's not. But instead of just being the first five seconds before the movie plays, that's just over the whole. On the top. It's just like a letterbox thing. But that is going to do it for this episode on Ernest saves Christmas. As always, if you want

to hear these shows commercial free, you can head over to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash rate movies where yes, and free we hate movies every Tuesday no commercials whatsoever and while you're there there's a bunch of other bonus stuff going on this month's uh we love movies episode was all about lethal weapon two fantastic i got it by the way sequel that made for a great episode uh melro 210 is back we're talking street racing we're talking weird getting your sister sent to the booby hatch uh on melrose place so a lot of wacky shit going on there we have a once in a lifetime coming out this month

It's beginning to look a lot like murder Hell yeah Exactly two minutes of Eric Roberts We put the Christ back in Christmas on animation damnation We bet your ass we're talking about the little drummer boy Where Christ makes a little appearance I for a second dude like when we got that one edited And I listened to the cut I was going to be like

You know we should go back and put this bootacular theme song Because it's a fucking bone-chilling Christmas special In this one the little drummer boy is playing Dr. Doom, so it's different. The Gleap Gloucleries back to Formula. This is our Star Wars Shide show where we talk about Star Wars characters.

Last month, we did Tulsa King. Yes. So if you like Tulsa King, listen to that one. But we're talking about Zuckus on this one. And Zuckus' mother. It's a two-for-one episode. Zuckus' mother is mentioned quite a bit. And then of course, the end of this month, so

if you're listening to this on the week, it comes out here. The end of this week, actually, we would be dropping our final commentary track of the year all about Aung Lee's Hulk. We're talking over that bad boy. I was proud to reevaluate that movie recently and had a good time with it. So the commentary is a lot of fun. You're going to want to check that out as well. And just because this is airing on Christmas Eve, just want to say if you want to give back in any way, shape, or form, what you can do is go to our T-Public store, order any and all merchandise from that store, any and all profits.

From now until the end of next year, we'll go to the Center for Reproductive Rights. Because if you notice in this episode, shit's getting dark. Santa should have turned over his powers sooner. All of the merch proceeds are not going to us. They're all going to this good cause. That's right. So, you know, you need that last second stocking stuffer or, you know, maybe you're doing something for New Year's, get a gag gift.

Hey, great opportunity to do that. And it works nicely. It's like you're a little walking billboard for the show. So that's always cool, too. We love that. But around these parts, we got one more we hate movies episodes. left in this year it's dropping next Tuesday Steve

we are on theme with holiday once again are we not we are and I've never seen this movie I'm kind of really excited just from the title alone it's New Year's Evil Hell yes that's right that's going out with a slasher Anyone seen this guy? Yeah it's a fun It's a fun one we're going to have fun with that So until next week when we're counting

down to New Year's Evil I've been Andrew Juppin. Steve didn't say that Eric's Cisco Burr take it easy You know, I'm going to be able to I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Thank you.