We Hate Movies - S15 Ep787: Link (1986)

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

“It’s a Tales from the Crypt episode, without the blood and obscenity!” - Chris On this week’s episode, the 2025 Listener Request Month kicks off with a convo about the sleepy 1986 monkey horror, Link! Why couldn’t we see any of these kills? How hilarious is that dog puppet? What exactly is Terence Stamp’s character studying with these chimps? And look at that little peeper, Link, ruining that sensual bath! PLUS: Worst job on set? Definitely the person who had the dye the orange orangutan black so it looked like a chimpanzee. Link stars Elisabeth Shue, Terence Stamp, Steven Finch, Richard Garnett, David O’Hara, Joe Belcher, and Kevin Lloyd as Bailey; directed by Richard Franklin. This episode is brought to you in part by Rocket Money. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney dot com slash WHM today. That’s RocketMoney dot com slash WHM! Tickets are on sale now for our three-night residency during the Oxford Comedy Festival! We’ll be doing six shows over three nights from July 18 through 20, doing shows like WHM, W❤️M, The Nexus, The Gleep Glossary, and Animation Damnation! Tickets are going fast, so friends over there, snag your tix!  Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, listener request month starts off with some really sleepy monkey horror. We're talking about Link. I'm Andrew Jupin, Steven Zadak. Eric Apska. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right.

Like I said, before the theme song, listener request month is upon us. That's right. I thought it was April. I thought April had come early. Oh, no, no, no. That's never going to happen again, Steve. But yes, no, this is We Hate Movies, but this is also, we love bananas. We do. a banana. Not enough banana play in this week. I would love to see a banana go in and out of their mouth for nutrition. Sexual play with banana. That's not what I said. I meant, uh, in and out of their mouth. That's not sexual. I think a monkey needs a good, uh, hearty meal. I'd like to watch

Terrence Day up eat a banana for like 12 minutes. Now I'm going to have another one, Stephen. Prepare yourself. I could eat a banana for hours. This one was requested to us from Jim. Jim Hales from Northwest Indiana let's hear what he had to say Hey boys I'd love to hear you guys cover the movie Link Killer fucking monkey it's

pretty great and terrible This is Jim from Northwest Indiana by Sam Jim thank you so much for editing out the bong rip beforehand We don't know We can't know Chris knows

He takes one to know We can fucking hear one of our own email you're on telephone But now cut to Jim's house in Northwest Indiana. Mom, I'm on the We Hate Movies podcast. Do you want to hear it? What happened, Jim? You said that

you had Vizine. What is a thong rip, Jim? Now give me some of those Lost Coast edibles. I need them. Thank you. I think the SWAT team runs in, right? Because it's Indiana, right? I imagine it's highly illegal there, right? Yeah, there's probably a lot of backwards

people in government there. Just like everywhere. I would always tell my friend's parents that it's the allergies that got me this time. Oh, that was them damned allergies. Totally. That's why I'm slow to respond and my eyes are closed. I had a great one. I was like, hey, mom, I smoked me.

There you go. Honesty is the best. I didn't have to tell my father. I walked in one time and my dad, unbeknownst to me, my father was watching saving Private Ryan. And all I could hear was like the audio was in the kitchen, getting a snack. No, it was at the When Watts's his face He's really suffering

And he's like mommy Mommy And then you took a bong root I was like hey dad Clear this with me Come on I'm like eating fucking cold chicken wings Out of the fridge or whatever it was And I just heard Ribisi

And I didn't put together what it was And I just started like mimicking Like mimic mocking And I was like Mommy mimmy mimmy And I just walked down I walked in the kitchen like right dad like half-eaten chicken wing in my hand.

He just looked at me like, I wish I never had to. And I looked at the TV and Rabisi's dad and I was like, oh, you're watching, oh. He's getting choked up thinking about whatever, you know, and you get, you remember me? I actually did not smoke grass ever until I met Chris Cabin in college. And now the reason why I didn't smoke

grass in high school. Sure. Because everyone I knew smoked grass with their parents. I grew up in a hippie town, and that's just like it just felt lame to me. Yeah, yeah, I'm thankful to say that only happened once at my wedding. Okay. Well, you know, that's a special time. Exactly.

I thought it was a great. But, frankly, I'd rather get the James Bond fucking bottomless chair, dude, whip my balls violently than smoke weed with my parents. My parents, my God, no. No, no, no, no. Hey, can you tell how much we don't want to talk about this piece of shit movie? Also, I wanted to get my brain developed, right? You know, because they say like 25 or whatever. So I waited for like, maybe I was younger than that.

I want to wait my brain, I want my brain fully developed so it could be sharp. Yeah, and it definitely paid off. Eric, do you think you're smarter than an orangutan if they take a test? No, and I'm also not smarter than a fifth grader. Can you tell how much we don't want to talk about this movie? Link from 1986, directed by Richard Franklin. Peep this fucking directorial filmography. Not bad.

Also, the writer, him and the writer did that Road Games movie, which is worth checking. Oh, Road Games with Jimmy Lee Curtis. Stacey Keechardrick also worth seeing Trucker versus serial killer kind of movie Patrick from 1978 that was his feature debut Chris mentioned that Psycho 2 I think is a good movie Not bad A stay tuned for cloak and dagger I feel

I haven't seen it It's Henry Thomas and an imaginary friend And I think what's his face? Debney Coleman Debney Coleman's chasing him or something Okay I have not seen it either but I've always wanted to It looks up my alley Child chasing plus Dabney Coleman

It was just a match made in heaven He's chasing kids anyway. There's a documentary. Yeah, that came out, yeah. And then there's the wild card of an imaginary friend thrown in, which is great. And then so FX2 would not FX. I would imagine that's the lesser of the two FX. Is that the one with the clown doll or is that both of them?

The clown doll is in the second one. It's the big monster in the first one near the door. But then it comes alive and we got to do both. We got to do FX back to back. I enjoy FX too. I think it's a good movie. There are dozens of people who know what that movie is. There are dozens of us.

It's F-slash-X and it was motion pictures, not visual effects or E-F-F-E-C-T-S. Can a monkey spell that? Maybe. That is like, could you? Probably faster than me. Wag you level fucking Brian Denny. It's marble work and that shit. Now, but here's, this is, this was new to me and I feel it, it requires some show research here.

1993 is running Delilah or maybe Delia maybe I spell the wrong I think it's Delia here it is basically I read the plot summary and what I typed down was Kim Katrall Universal Soldier She plays somebody who gets killed She's like a cop or an agent or whatever She gets killed and then she gets resurrected with like super skills

And is going after dude I like that Very much yep Can she go after me Nowadays sure I saw Psycho 2 last year because I think I think four For four We were gonna do Psycho 4 but it was no longer streaming so we didn't

Exactly but I watched Psycho 2 because I'd never seen it It's pretty good. It is pretty good It's got a world class Dennis Franz Scumbag performance Yes but Anthony Perkins or Anthony Perkins hit that old lady with the shovel The bonged on the head The bongicking in that movie

Is it good I know what you're talking about Ever since I saw that, I've wanted to hit old ladies in the head with a shovel. It's got a nice bounce. The neck, like, does a little bit. Don't ever tell you that movies can inspire people. I would love to. I was walking behind a few today.

Oh, my, no. Oh, yeah. Dude, out on the sidewalk, you want to be bonk in some heads. I wish I had a walking shovel. You know, instead of like a walking stick, you walk around with a shovel just in case you need to bong. This was my second time through with this movie because when I was in L.A., I went to this really cool VHS store. Name drop in L. And there was a, and the VHS is.

this looks awesome. It's like a silver case. Good poster. Yeah, good poster with the match and it's really cool. Like Elizabeth's shoes, very scared. Makes you think something would happen in this movie. Yeah, we bought it and I watched it like eight months later. I'm like, oh, this isn't very good.

It's a tales from the crypt episode without the blood and the obscenity, which is crucial, I think. And without the cryptkeeper intro and outro. Also, I mean, like, that's part of the obscenity, I would think. It's a great setup. It's, you know, I actually think the monkey stuff is good. I just, it needs

to be a lot tighter. There's a lot of, a lot of downtime. There's like a hundred, it's a hundred and forty-six minutes long. And 106 minutes. Show damn kills. Give me them. Also, and I, I, I love her. You have too much confidence in Elizabeth. Yeah. You have a little too much

confidence. It's a one-hander. Yeah. It's just hard in me. A one-hand? Is that what you were doing this, during this film? During the bath seat, yes. Absolutely. No, no. This is like, the biggest mistake of this movie is, it's like, oh, to be, let's be reasonable here. Like 65% of this movie is Elizabeth Shoe and a bunch of monkeys alone in the house

and nobody's doing nothing. Don't do that. Do that. Don't do that. You can't cook a phone. Voodoo. Imp. Link.

Naked in the bath. Monkeys watching me. Are you trying to kill me, Ling? Okay. Now, be honest now. Are you trying to cut my head off? And that's the episode. Let's go into Recommend.

We did it. Man, so it starts off. I do like the title sequence where it's just like, I mean, it's shitty font and, you know, lettering, whatever, but. It goes with the white lotus, though, but it's a little bit of this season's white load. It's totally, dude, there's fucking monkeys all over the place in a beautiful forest. Like, it's this nice paint thing. And we get apes trained by credit after the writing credit.

Hell yeah. This ape trainer outranks the cinematographer and the composer, Jerry Goldsman. He's the third build. It's Elizabeth Shoe, Terran, Stab, ape trainer. Because you can't credit the monkeys, man, so you got to do the person who. Well, very oddly, I mean, on IMDB, all the apes, two of the three apes are credited. No day to death on these fuckers on their IMDB page. That means their dog food.

I was going to say, follow up. If you're going to do it, follow up. By the way, Jerry Goldsmith painted cocaine in this movie. movie? I don't even know. Dude, this score is awful. I think he, like, he forgot the do date for the score and, like, went on vacation and then came back and was like, oh, fuck it's due. And then he put on Gremlins. Yep. And tinkered with his Gremlin's score and made it like circus music. Yes, exactly. He made Gremlin's theme circus music. And then suddenly, I'm like, I thought it was someone ripping him off. And then I was like, what? It's him? No, it's totally, no, no, no, it's totally this. It's a different thing. It's like, da, da, da. But with, you know, with Link, it's that, that, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, dude, dude, it's like, if you brought Gremlins to Broadway,

like, that's what this is, it sucks. But it's amazing because, like, I was reading a little bit of Richard Franklin was like, oh, this movie, you know, I don't want to invoke the birds because I just did Hitchcock, but like, yeah, you're right, everybody was going to be fucking thinking that, buddy, sure.

He has his, like, grand, like, idea about, like, this thriller that he's making. And it just, like, the score is a dint. Like, the score is not a, thriller score at all. Not at all. In fact, it destroys any possibility for thrills or chills. It is just

like circus music. It's just generally, I don't know, man, with monkeys, any of them. I think they're just too, like, funny. I'm like, I'm not thrilled by this, because like Link is goofy. I'm not like, he's the killer. Oh, no. Oh, no. Me in a house

with three monkeys and I have nowhere else to go, I am fucking terrified. I am shitting my pants because they go right for, and Turnstab talks about it, they go right for the nuts. By the way, that's Chekhov's nuts. You need, I didn't do we see one one nut tier. I don't know what the fucking cowardice was all about here

because frankly, you have full frontal nudity in this movie. So what was the deal with not showing any of these kills? And I get it like getting killed by a monkey, special effects wise, maybe it's hard. It's a British movie or set there. They didn't want to land themselves on the video nasties list. They might have ended up on the

So you can have fucking tinnies in Bush and you won't get on the video nasty list there. Is that the idea? I mean, they are the culture that invented divorce. So, yeah. Who's the sick fuck that came up with it? The Iron Lady. Did she create the...

Henry the 8th. Oh, Henry the 8th created the video nasty list? Oh, no, no. The divorce. All of Shakespeare on the video nasty. Could you imagine making a whole church just so you could get divorced from your old lady? Sounds fucking great.

You know, but by the way, you know, we are actually fully in support of the church We'll be going there to the Oxford Comedy Festival this year. Sure. I say everything they do is good. Shaw, too, that sick piece of shit. Video nasty Bernard Shaw. So, like, someone somewhere was like, hey, this movie doesn't have content in it.

And then Richard Fliggins like, okay, I guess I'll shoot a stupid opening with a baby. And I don't even know what this opening is. It's like a Pepsi commercial. Is that what it is? It's like a monkey POV jumping around. Predator vision, but for a monkey. Then he fucking kills off ghost dog's pigeons. And this poor cat, also off screen.

At least we get a dog kill on screen. Dude, the dog puppet assassination in this movie is very, it's very good. We have a nuclear grade, Andrew, the thing that annoys you the most, showing me a movie I'd rather be watching. Blonde Venus is on television. This is a big one, dude. I'm watching this movie and I was like, oh, I see the fucking. monkey come out and I was like oh I'm pretty sure my wayna Dietrich's fucking under that monkey

helmet and she takes it off and she's looking all hot and I was like uh oh link it's it's like the monkey goes up you know what I mean like it's following this cat we have monkey P ovi like the sleepy streets of London town this is fucking Jack the Ripper's right it absolutely is which you don't know it's monkey Pio of the the absolute one thing I will give this movie that I fucking think is terrible is that shot you don't understand that it's monkey POV right away you just think it's a still shot and you know, still camera and everybody's like doing stuff. And then the camera starts moving

and I was like, oh, monkey vision. And did you guys spot some of the signage in this? I like looking at store signage. Oh, what did you get, dude? Dildo store? Well, I'm surprised Link would pass this up because I wouldn't there's a combination fast food slash Strip City. Oh, wow. I thought, dude,

I thought the movie was going into Strip City for a Yeah, I was like, all right, Link. Yeah, you can let this monkey dance on the pole. Yeah, I'll get a powder chip said that girl's ours Put it on the plate, love Put it on a plate, please No, I'm a lap dance with the love

Not the fishing chips in my lap, you see I hear there's very good greasy chips in this hair strip club Oh, it's hot Oh, my bollocks I spilled the hot chips on me bollocks Fishy These accents will not appear in England

This is not Hold on a second How would we get to London? I would be really clear about that. I beg you guys, let's not do British stuff there, but no, that's what we're doing there. We're doing British show. Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. My James Bond impression is going to be a chimney sweep.

Yeah, so there's James, we're doing James Bond. We're doing King Ralph. We're doing a lot of. And Hellraiser is an American movie that's in England that might be English. There might be American X, Y, Z. It's mostly going to be pinhead talking. Yeah, and I selected Darth Vader for the Gleap Glouclery there. And then the festival was like, oh, England's own David Press.

I forgot about that. That's completely an accident. Son of a bitch. But so we got this, it's like this, it's a movie we don't get, which is monkey running wild in the city and like stalking and maybe killing little girls.

Which is what I thought this was. I'd never seen this movie. And I was like, awesome monkey loose on the town. Let's do it. Like M, but with monkeys. Yes.

Right? But it still has an M. The monkeys just got to chalk M on his back. Why are you putting monkey on the my jacket. That's ridiculous. Oh, oh, ah, ah, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yes, Peter Lorry as a monkey.

I would love that, like, and Peter Blorey as Bongo. That would be pretty good, right? Yeah. Better than this. Yeah, so this little girl's getting all scared and whatnot. The monkey runs up on the roof here. It's making a bunch of noise. The monkey pulls out the, the television here, the cable. Because they're broadcast. He's an anarchist is what he is. He just wants to see the world burn, I guess.

No one can watch TV tonight. This monkey says no. Oh, sir. Why so simian? You want to know how I threw my own feces. I picked it up and I hacked it right at my father. That that I just realized. But a smile is just a banana going across some of his face.

He's a monkey. Oh, man. But yeah, so they're watching this movie And it's just this The kid screams, they go into the room There's nothing It's just, it's nothing And then we cut up to like all these dead puppet

Birds and dead the dead cats All the birds, the dead cat It's like a bad composite shot of like the set ends And the background is the university Where we then cut to the daylight And we see that it's this London Science University Here is Elizabeth Shoe In all her 1985 filming this movie glory

So this must have been She got this. this off of a karate kid then probably, huh? Probably. Because Cradi kid's like 85? Isn't there? Well, yeah, she was paired with a monkey in that, right? Ralph Machio, of course. Those chemistries. Big banana fan.

She should come back. I guess she's never come back for that, uh, the Cobra Chi show. Oh, I have no idea. I guess not. I only got up to season three so far. She was it, but I didn't finish it, but I know she was in the boys. Yeah, she wasn't the boys. She gets finished on the boys. I look, correct. She is a cobra Kai. She plays

Allie Bill's two episodes. Good for her. Nice. Amazing. Ralph Montre calls her and she says Black caller, get out of here. Prank call, get out of you. No, sure. I'll hear from you.

No, no, I'll call Carl and we'll talk about you on the boys. Nope, for sure. No, we'll definitely do, yeah, uh-huh, y'all. Karate Kid is 84. She's on a TV show called Call to Glory for 23 episodes.

Then it's this in 86. And then, yeah, it's, and Adventures of Babysitting is 87. That's where she's off to the race. You know, this is a big, you know, like, she was with Pat Morita in Karate Kid here. Terrence Stamp has Dr. Monkey or whatever the fuck. Dr.

This is, how is this, the college of sciences? You have this guy that's just like, yes, I'm a scientist. I put monkeys in fun suit jackets. I make them smoke cigars. Somehow I'm a professor. The extent of his research is that, like, dress up with monkeys, I'm sorry. But when you find out, I mean, the house this guy has. Oh, the castle?

His family, like, must have invented bricks. Like, he could do whatever the fuck he likes. Like, do you have a fucking house like that? Are you serious? It's amazing. And also, like, his class is just like, so what makes a monkey different than a man? Anyone, anyone, anyone?

And, like, that's it. Hair! Civilization? Oh, someone's paying attention. Oh, this girl's not even matriculated in my class. Perhaps you'll like to live at my beach house. Would you like to die in my kitchen? You know, when you said civilization, it moved.

So would you like to live in my... Terran Stamp is dressed incredibly appropriately for this character. It's like, if you just needed a like pseudo-washed-up, disheveled college professor look, the costume department nailed it with his guy. It's kind of working for me, though, by the way. Oh, looks comfy as fuck. I've had a long time to say goodbye to any potential of my hair looking good. occasionally I am still struck by like oh my god

and Terrence Stamps' hair in this is stupendous It's a real like the silver 80s thing you can do Shock of white like a It's like a Doc Brown Yeah I was gonna say Christopher Wagon and Batman Returns Like a Shrek Yes also a Mag Shrek kind of role He asks his three assistants to get

I believe it's imp in the cage Who an imp well that's the weirdest part too is that So get him out of the cage And they start pulling him out physically. The POV we get is Imp in the beginning, even though Link is the evil monkey. I guess it's the idea all monkeys are evil? Well, because the sort of like the wait, what? Is it the end?

Yes, exactly. Like, they're both lethal monkeys. It's just one was better at hiding it from Elizabeth's shoe than the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imp will like let her hold him and like, will like rescue her. Like it will play the game. Yeah, despite Imp killing a cat and a bunch of pigeons, we're led to believe that he's just a precious little baby

And that's the way, watchuary of the ending It's like, oh, this is also A vicious animal Right, but like when she So like, yeah, these dudes fucking like can't pull the monkey out and then he's like, oh, of course human beings using false. Come here, monkey. And he like snaps his finger

and the fucking monkey comes out of the cage. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, that works for you. He's been systematically abusing him for a long time. We've not had any chance to do that yet. Imp, let's go of the nuts. Imp let go of the nuts No, oh, they're gone

Oh, rip the balls, clean off Yeah, there's just like three fucking bro dudes in the class One of which is David, who's her boyfriend All three of these dudes will be fucking mincemeat Or almost mincemeat at the end of the movie The heavy Irish accented one is from the Departed Yes, he's the, oh, what, who's he from the departes? He's the one who doesn't know how to write citizens

On a piece of paper Oh, really? Oh, interesting. that's pretty cool mom i won't be coming over supper yeah anyone who departed anybody it's been a minute since i've seen it yeah it got uh listener request month and no we just would love to do it uh you know one of these years but so the lecture's over whatever she follows him into the office and she's like hey uh i i i read your thing for an assistant i'm here to apply and he's like oh you clearly you know didn't read it right at all like you're you're not going to fit and she's like

she goes on some tear about like sexism or whatever and he's like the ad was not for an assistant but it was for semen samples you see what I've been stuck piling cup he's shoving them in the monkey right this is why we need to know what he's doing

because why is he asking for dude's nuts where's the nut juice going he's trying to make a human Z I think he but dude I think he's a secret Soviet scientist the Soviets had a thing allegedly I want to say that now that they're in charge that you know

allegedly but they were trying to cross breed humans and apes to make an ape army this was a branch off of the Dow project clearly you know all those scientists just working and doing whatever the fuck they like nothing he's doing at home is sanctioned by anybody no

apparently it's revealed from old Mr. Bailey that like if anyone knew about this what was going on yeah and he's so he's like lying about this whole thing Well, I can't bring the monkeys, I can't bring them all to the university because they won't let me do this prized research on campus. But what's with the cum, dude? That's what question is.

I need a shot of him at home with a turkey baster and going, hello, what? Or like he thinks it gives him eternal life like the blood idiot. Oh, sure. And it's like bathing in it. Like a big, like he's in the bathtub. It's just full of cum. That rich guy that wants like the blood of virgins to bathe in or whatever. And his son.

just doing vampire stuff. Just admit it. And boring, too. Like, it would be one thing if you were running around vampire kissing and, like, trying to fight people in the neck because you think that's really what it does. But you're just getting it in your fan. I mean, come man. Because all these billionaire weirdos are just boring fucking losers, man.

That guy would never think to do something as cool as act like a vampire. No. It's sad, is what it is. So go out there and bully him, by the way. He's a nerd. He's a nerd. So he's like, well, you're a 10. Would you like to live in my house? like here's the thing what the numbers have to do nothing she thinks it's going to be like

assistant work you know what I mean like filing papers and whatever and he's like well at my seaside castle I've got some cooking and cleaning I might need assistance with and I'm maybe fingering you one night accidentally I don't know what's for science you know what's the pay yeah a big

big fucking upfront question what is the pace I mean 40 pounds 40 pounds a week which sounds like I usually go 60 for fingering and like Terence Stamp has like maybe 30 lines of dialogue in this movie. Total tops. And 15 are about imp and the other 15 are denigrating her boyfriend.

He is negging this boyfriend hard from the jokes like, oh, it's not so serious, I can't imagine. Oh, going out, is that what they call it these days? Oh, right. What the fuck did they call it in out, in out? Yeah, when they call it back then, in out, in out, ultraviolence, is that what you called it, kid? You know, monogamy is so outdated. It's just, you know, and you should know this now. Oh, yes, sleeping with someone your own age.

Well, I think that's pretty silly now, isn't it? You want to broaden your horizons anyway. I mean, and how long a fingering can I do for $60? There's that moment where it's not, is it Link that's 45 years old? And it's like, oh, my God, he could be old enough to be my father. And you could tell that hit him. Oh, yeah. He's, oh, oh, oh.

Like, he wants to get indignant about it, but he just can't. He's that hurt. I'm going to beat one of these. monkeys over that. Spank that monkey. But so she agrees and then it's off to a seaside castle some cab driver that never comes back.

You know, this cab driver does. And it's a weird like this cab driver that like it was set up by him. She's made no arrangement. She has no idea where the hell she's going. But I love how helpful this this taxi driver is because she's like, oh, over there, that's the valley of violent dogs.

I guess that's a competing scientist? What is this? Oh yeah, you don't want to get stuck out there. Those dogs would rip your limb from lips. Or is this just, England, I'm terrified to go. Honestly, I'm terrified to go. Boy, that's Dr. Davidson over there.

He's got a competing dog research facility next to this here, monkey research facility. And down there, a couple of those stops down there's to Dr. Island of Dr. Monroe is in it, isn't it? He watched them make the dogs talk. He watched one of them movies, you know, and it just lost on them. We've already had talking dogs. They keep telling postal workers to kill.

Yeah. You what you want to do? to go to the monkey guy. No, you want to go to Dr. Edison. It's all just snails. And I said, you know, it's kind of boring, but it's not so dangerous with the snails. No one's ever been eaten alive by snails. Well, there won't film snails where I think they were actually getting eaten alive by

snails. But that's just a science fiction picture. There was also the Fulci picture, but yes. So, mine is those two motion pictures, mind you. No one's ever been eaten alive by snails. But they are inspirational, ain't they? you ever watch them fuck it's real interesting when they get up real close to the camera there there's all these weird crystalline things seriously have you ever seen oh my god it looks like

plants from avatar yeah this is the stuff you guys watch dude look at oh i'm not into that dude destroy your search history that's not how i get turned on not anymore you don't know that's the thing eric hold on a second i like slime so it's a slippery slub i don't want to be hooked in now i'm snailing out every there dude this is there's Sime stuff. You might want to snail out and see what happens. Snail away, dude. Calm snail away.

No. So she can't get in the house. She's ringing this doorbell. Finally a fucking chimp in a tuxedo answer. You know what? If this is what happens, I'm running down after that cab driver. Excuse me, sir.

I guess P.T. Barnum could teach classes at Oxford. And this is the introduction to the scary killer. I'm about to come like this adorable little guy. Stop. But not that I would ever know the difference, but you can tell. He's not a chimpanzee because he's an orangutan painted black, essentially. Yeah, see, when you want to get cows on screen and use horses. What do you do when you want horses?

Usually tape a bunch of dogs together. So they're lying to us? This is a fake, uh, it's an orangutan with fake ears on his, on his head. Yeah. Well, what were there no chimpanzee actors available? It was a better at, yeah. Originally it was supposed to be an orangutan and then whatever reason they like changed Why can't he just have all apes, different kinds?

Yes, exactly. That would make it look planted over the apes in that. I think Giamatti's an orangutan in that movie. He absolutely is. Yeah, he's a slave-trading orangutan in that movie. Yeah, he should have been in this movie. It's just a little hair dye. It's very easy.

No problem whatsoever. I mean, you're using fucking hair club for Kong on this thing? Like, it's so, it's so fucked. Just having it be a chip game. It's been making naught about invention and problem solving. Here we go. Where's my just for ape? I want to see

I mean that is a job I do not want I am dying an orangutan Yeah no monkey die or definitely not No no no no no It's a specialized skill though But he's wearing this suit He looks pretty good in the suit I think It looks pretty sharp

I'd give him at least a job interview Later in the movie when he gets like bloodied up Kind of like John McLean a little bit That dude I Thought he looked full on like Bruce Willis Later in this movie When he's crawling through the vents He's crawling through the vents

scrolled through bags and he's got like the raggedy shirt i'm come to the coast have a banana totally he's walking around barefoot yeah he didn't anticipate that happening with the vest you get i know we always think about like where our job's going to go most of me going to robots at least one bartending job should go absolutely this orangutan is fantastic looking behind a bar you just get him to dip a fucking jack daniel's bottle you're fine oh if there was an ape bar in the city would you go would you go to the eight probably i mean you you would have to, like, book months in advance.

I'm sure, and it's just like, oh, this man, it tastes a little different. Oh, it's because there's piss in it, too, right? And hair. Yep, lots of hair. I would go there, but there'd have to be, like, where the bouncer is standing, it's a dude in, like, full, like, military regalia with a tranquilizer dart. You know what I mean? Like, you just knock this bartender right out.

Oh, no, no, it's for you. Oh, do you get too many. Yes, exactly. Oh, he didn't, he didn't throw feces at you. Oh, that's too bad. That's too bad. It's a really, it's a experience. You know, New York, it's just full of wonder.

well I'm not tipping 20% I didn't get the pieces thrown at me I was promised trip advisors said everybody gets one well that's the thing is also like so you go there and you go let me get a Manhattan then he gives you an old fashion are you gonna get really pissed off or what

it's a fucking monkey you gave you a drink you gotta be happy with that you just drink it man so Terrence Stamp she finds him coming back from a walk here with the imp the other chimp there and he's like really laying into her because he's like

you're early what are you do you're not supposed to be here to tomorrow the fourth or whatever it is and she's like it is the fourth or it is Thursday or whatever the fuck it is it's actually the 15th yeah is that I don't know why I remember that oh weird but like that sort of leads you to think like oh there's also like something else like going on with this character that he's like maybe he's that buried in his work he doesn't know and like it comes to absolutely nothing the thing that does I mean like later on you find out that why imp is doing this if you really got to listen to it

is when he's on the phone with this guy in about 10 minutes he's like oh yeah come and you'll just knock off the old boy and that like really quickly that's it he's going to have Link killed or euthanized yes and that's what Link set that's what sets him off but it's like it's such a blink and you miss it line

like and it never comes back isn't there also he's he's no he's selling voodoo he's no voodoo is the one that's to be executed oh okay and he's selling link the semen experiment didn't work out with all the chaps at the university there's there's some line that he has about like he's

not able to get this ape pregnant anymore voodoo and again it's another throwaway terran stamp line he's like well if she can't procreate she's no use to me anymore and then link will be sold because link has like circus skills sure and he's going to sell it to some fucking creep

somewhere it's kind of great because she shows up in his skirt and he's like oh oh you cut what out here because the smell or whatever you know the smell he's trying to go up there he's trying to go up your skin do you have jeans and I'm like this is something you need to tell her

before she gets there no dresses no skirts pants only was there also a thing about like he was putting like he was experimenting on the brain of this thing right to make it more human is that like an undercurrent of this text of this film I think that's what that limbo paper was maybe supposed to be about

I've been stuck on chapter like 12 And he, like, put in some human garbage in its brain, so now it wants to kill nonstop. Is that right? He probably started with Frankenstining. That was probably the first movement when he was in his 20s. And then when he gets to his 30s, he really gets into the monkeys. Most European doctors start out Frankenstein. Yes, that's their first steps.

But this is why the movie has to lay out, like, what his actual research is. Because I was, I was thinking he's, like, trying to teach him to talk, you know, like Congo kind of shit in that regard. I, dude, my kingdom for Amy Good Gorilla. I re-watched Congo about a couple weeks ago on that vinegar syndrome 4K I actually liked it better than 15 years ago when we did that episode on it. Cleaned up, it looks a lot better, I will say.

And compared to this, it's fucking Jurassic Park. Gorgeous, gorgeous motion pictures. Bruce Campbell in it for crying out loud. I will say this also has a loving 4K restoration. This movie looks gorgeous. It looks great. It looks great, but I'll tell you what, man. I was like, oh cool, Kino Lorber put this out.

I'm a no stranger to a blind buy. and I didn't have enough time it wasn't going to get here in time to do the recording so I just rented it on Apple boy I'm glad I did I did do this would just never have been watched again I mean so of the many things I have a problem

with in this movie maybe the stupidest one but I really it did annoy me you're caught Elizabeth's name is Jane and you referenced Jane Goodall in the fucking movie why

see because it thought the script was being smart but then the script got stupid by saying jane goodall you just add a tea and it's janet it's easy enough you don't it's that i don't need it oh damn it janet get away from my chimps was jane also the name of tarzan side piece that's also part of it yeah that's too much tarzan side piece well because he was fucking the gorilla first one one would think sexy lady second i guess is the idea oh the dog's barking sounds like my wine delivery so yes she is a party so yes she is explained by Terran Stamp, Elizabeth

Shrews explained, the rules of chimps and it's shit like, you know, don't get involved in like chimp on chim squabbles. Like, if they're like, let them sort it out, they'll do that, don't break it up. I do like the idea of let them sort it out. Totally, yeah. Like, just leave them to their own shit. You know, don't get involved. She says, you know, don't get

it's what I do with my cats until the tails get wide. When the tails get wide, I got why. That's when they get freaked out. That's when they get freaked out. The tail just goes, it puffs out. It puffs out. It turns like a squirrel tail, practice. That's when you know the cat means business. Exactly. That's what I start, that's why I start clapping in their direction.

Like, all right, it's enough. Because then they'll, like, be killing each other? Yeah, exactly. We're just more than normal, you know. No, I see. A vet appointment. That's going to put you four digits down. But yeah, leave him alone.

And he's like, oh, in the final rule, there's some little poopies in the hallway. Why don't you go clean those up? Oh, geez, great. Thanks, 40 quid a week. Whatever that is. Pounds? Where's a pound? What's a quid and what's a pound?

I don't know. You mustn't get them wet. You must not feed these chips after midnight. Then it turns into a fucking like... Like a slimy gorilla. Maybe it turns into a fucking like a crow mag dude. Like you know what I mean?

Oh shit. Yeah. It turns into Brendan Fraser. Any of these ideas are better than this movie, I have to say. Even the Brendan Fraser one. Yeah. I take that. It's not Asinom Manit

It's the whale, so be careful. So they're like having dinner. This scene's crazy where he's like, he's telling this story about somebody of his. Yeah, it's a pal in the aping community. This guy. Even him on the boards, I guess. Oh, yeah, the ape boards, dude. And he had a huge property with an island in the middle of it.

And he put all these animals on this island. And he was as well, I'll just kind of dude or whatever. Well, wouldn't you know it? He's got business in London for a time there, you know, when he gets held up, you know. And when he comes back, he's like, I'll go check on my animals and everything. And they've just been skull fucking everybody. And what does he say? Like the monkey jumped onto the boat or something?

There's a pole vault. Oh, pole vaulted. Yeah, the monkey pole vaults out of the boat. There's pole vaults onto the boat. Testicles gone. Off. Leg off, you know, above the knee, all this stuff. Hears off, nose off, eye out.

Yes. Well, which is why I'm terrified of monkeys. They go for the face and they go for the genitals all the way. I will never. Look like a Mr. Potato Head where all the people. pieces fell out of it. I will never get near one of those things. I've never been to a zoo, and that's a reason why.

I mean, if I was Elizabeth sure, I'd be fucking get to token up in the morning just to fucking, because she's got these monkeys all over her, this whole fucking moon. That's illegal in the UK. To this very day, right? As far as I understand it, it's still a non-green friendly. Barbaric society.

I don't know. There's still better than us, though. Maybe. Look what we're doing. Look what we're doing over here. It's not good either way. I know. I know. Dude, we win the suck wars, all right? I don't know. It's a really close call. I got to get it to the judges.

Race to the bottom. Suck off across the pond. One of us has a couple of assholes that the other one doesn't. And that's why we lose. Sure. So that's how it ends. But he does explain the story of Link, who was a circus animal. His posters of Link up there, which is of a chimpanzee.

Who is that the poster? Yeah, totally. It's like the amazing, Link, fire breathing, whatever. You can. A master of fire. The master of fire, he can light a cigar, and like, I do. And again, like, I'm terrified of monkeys, man. You talk about monkey bar?

I think I'd like to smoke a cigar with a monkey. No, no, no, no. Just once. There goes your nuts. There goes your testicles. Is it worth your nuts? That's the question. Is it worth your nuts?

You want to live your life as Mr. Potato Head after that? It's fine if you do. Listen, here's how you do it. It's not like Clinton Clyde, you know, it's not that. It's like Magneto's Prison from the X-Men movies. and the fucking, you know, the monkey is there and he's got a cigar in the fucking cube and you stand outside it,

that's how I would smoke a cigar with a monkey. Yeah, and it's not even fucking worth it. If you can't do the Clyde thing, what the fuck is the use of it? Here's how you do it with the monkey, okay? The monkey's smoking a cigar, you're at the gun range. You're going to try to shoot the cigar out of his mouth. Okay. If it misses, it's also funny.

Dude, but then the monkey realizes what you're doing with the firearm and fucking attacks you. Well, you know, they'll be like 50 yards down, you know what I mean? So I get, I can, I can, I can fill them full of bullets, maybe, right? Maybe, I don't know. William Tau. I'll have a, but the thing is I get a bayonet on that rifle. Oh, there you go.

In case it gets too close, right? That'll work. That could work. Speaking of cigars, I was, I had an afternoon to myself this weekend. Nice. A nice cigar bar that I'd like to go to Hudson Bar and Books. Oh, wow. Is this an advertisement?

I hope they give me something. I hope they give me something. They opened pretty early and I had the afternoon to myself. I was like, oh, cool, I'll just read a books. I spoke a cigar to my favorite things to do. inside because it was freezing and I was the only one there for like an hour and it was

amazing because every like a bunch of couples come like ooh a cute bar because it's not it's not Hudson bar and cigars the second they come in and they just smell it the woosh and just like everyone getting disgusted.

Absolutely. One after another like they look at me they're like we don't want to go to a bar with the smoking monkey. Let's get out of here. Does it serve us? That big glassesed monkey at that table's going to rip my husband's testicles off. Should it be in a tuxedo if this is what they're doing? Why is it reading Joyce?

Ooh, that one can read. Look at that monkey in a comic book t-shirt. It's so cute. They're just like us. Oh, so she's pissed off about the cigar stuff. She's like she says that her background is like she's studying zoology or whatever. And her whole thing is like, Everything Terran Stamp does with these animals, she gets pissed off.

Like, Terran Stamp is all about, like, yelling and firmness and fucking slapping the shit out of them. And he's, like, got a book from years ago that she was enamored with. And, like, he never, you know, he's kind of like a failed, a one at wonder in the ape science world, I suppose. Never meet your heroes. Yeah. It was before he really got into the breeding part of all this. And, like, once that happens, you don't want to be near that. So why.

And that's why the second book isn't finished, because he's just busy fucking. you know, corraling these things he cannot stop writing about how they fuck. Like that seems to that is the like he just, it's an ocean, he cannot stop. The man is a heck. I guess I like when Terran

Stamp like gives her shit the next morning for sleeping in and it's just like I don't know man, I think you need some sort of like organized regimen if this person is going to be your assistant. Right. At one point he gets a letter from Harvard University they want him to speak there or whatever and he's got this dig at her like

Oh, looks like some Americans care about science beyond nuclear warfare. Yeah. I guess your American intelligence isn't all obsessed with nuclear warfare. Speaking of nuking, he's using a microwave here for a... Oh, you want some British tea? Oh, look how we do it now. Oh, God. It's a horrible microwave.

Beautiful. So fancy. Is this how the queen gets it? Oh, man, my nice microwave tea with fucking cancer in it. The 80s were just microwave crazy. You know what I mean? Like, we've dialed it back. appropriately but then also like frozen food is also sort of caught up that it's like better to be microwave but every now and again man you will still get smashed in the face with garbage i found this thing i thought it was this awesome like frozen noodle bowl kind of thing man it was trash just you're fucking eating like gray beef it's like shoe leather

disgust it's terrible god i hate everything looks nothing like the picture you bought it for in the first place i can't believe we have to go through this life right oh yeah i go to this story Is this going to be good? Oh, no. Thank you, Harvard, for asking me to come here. Welcome, welcome to our lecture series. Animal fucking. How long should we televise it for? Well, the monkey rejected the British seaman.

Shall we try some American chaps? Well, he's doing practically the old state sketch of monkey torture. The art of monkey torture. Like, that's, like, with the, so the next morning is, yes, this, like, first day of research or whatever. He's like, oh, never touch a chimp in a cage. They can reach farther than you think they will, or, you know, all this shit. Again, just like safety lessons. But he sets her down for a monkey test.

It's her versus him. Oh, let's see who's smarter? An American or a monkey? American woman, am I right? And she starts winning, and he gets pissed off. He gets so pissed at this monkey that the monkey can't do the shapes test. Okay, it doesn't count now. It doesn't count.

It's not a real test. We're going to start over again. There's a practice round, practice round. Mulligan. My controller is unplugged. My controller is unplugged. You get in the game. You get you little shit.

You're never going to get a Blandama again. It's awesome. The fucking ape, like, she just gets so pissed off. Or Imp is a dude, right? I believe I saw a fucking cock on that thing. I think voodoo is the only lady. Yes, you're right.

But like, Imp gets all pissed off. And it's like, ah, fuck this game. It just crawls away. He's like, no, my research, whatever it made me. But then she defends it. Like, what's culturally biased. I've been dealing with squares and. circles all my life as

an American, you know, that's all school is over here. You don't know that. Square-based. That's all we learn about it. Kindergarten through sixth grade is all just learning shapes. It is, yeah. I finally got the triangle. Circle tests were rough. But then he starts screaming like, imp has been

indoctrinated with circles and square. I've been teaching him circles and squares his whole life. He opens this cavity, he's like, see, look, circles, squares all sorts of shapes. He's throwing plastic fruit all over in place. At that point, I'm calling that tax. Exactly. It's been great. I don't know. Oh, really? It didn't happen

when you had to clean up the monkey shit in the hallway that's been piling up. You're studying zoo animals as your major or whatever this is. And, you know, maybe a little shit clean is what you do. But once he starts screaming about circles and squares, I'm out of it. The man, like, the fact that the man is like, because you would

definitely get a disease I imagine. Oh, sure. You're just letting this fucking shit pile. Because it sounds like he wasn't touching it. You would not, he's not going to do it. So it just has to stay there. It's everywhere. I don't see him washing his hands ever in this movie. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that is kind of gross.

You're going to get some fucking parasites, dude. Just touch your eyeball with that shit. Oh, no way. And like that's the thing, right? Like you said, you got a job working with fucking animals. Like, there is some understanding of you're going to be cleaning up after them. But when the realization hits that this dude is just that kind of like scattered-brained academic that three huge chimps are shitting all over his house and he doesn't care.

hello taxi company to Steve's point you're gonna get some caveman disease you know something real bad shit they can't even fix because you know they haven't seen it since the cave days so he's like you know why don't you go get us some lunch I'm gonna do some stuff with the chimps there and she comes back and this fucking thing

just knocks this tray of food all because he's like you don't see what he's doing behind the door and then she comes in like lunchtime and clearly he's been like fighting with this thing in some way He has to get voodoo a sedative, he says, it gets a little dramatic here. So if you hear anything, don't worry about it. But this is when, and again, this is the shift of the movie.

Because apparently what you find out much later, because she comes back after, he yells at her, he's like, get the hell out of you. Leave me alone, which means, is he fucking that thing? I think he's fucking that thing. But then she comes back later, and then there's audio of him being like,

leave us alone. What are you doing? Yes. And then you find out much later in the film, that's a recording of him so Link is now like teaching link is now fucking throwing off the detective's timeline

by doing this there's a lot of Ferris Bueller moments where he's Ferris Bueller it's Kevin McAllister with the fucking gangster movie making like Tim Currie and crew scared you know I could not believe that part

but he's also very scary Andrew remember that it's thrilling and chilling now I'm going to give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly banana eating face Pop-pap-pump Pop-pump your guts full of lead Merry Christmas, you filthy, dirty apes

Kneel before Philip But I do like There's one moment here Where all three monkeys Like corner him Which is pretty cool And you're like wondering like what's going on or whatever And then it just cuts to Elizabeth's shoe

This is where she finds the trap door in the kitchen. Yes. Yeah, sure. Just go rooting around this fucking cellar. Yeah, these catacombs. These are spooky scary.

That's the thing. It's like they are inherently evil. I mean, a trap door in the middle of a kitchen. You just find it. You're like, oh, well, something horrible. Maybe it's just evil dead getting me early on. Sure. It just screams evil to me.

That's some demon barber of fleets street, fleet street stuff. Also that. What was his name, Barnaby Small? Sweenie Todd. There it is. But I like that. Dude, Barnaby Smalls, please, someone turned that into a musical. Sonheim's gone, but somebody's got to do Barnaby Smalls, man.

He's just the other guy up the street. Oh, that's crazy what that barber's up to. Barney's meat pie's got no people in him. Come on, why don't you come to Barnaby Small's meat pies? I promise there right no people in him. It's just normal meat poys. Nobody wants to go to. because it's normal meat part.

They're not very good. And a regular haircut. The air cut's totally regular. So she sort of sees there's like some crates like covering up, you know, sort of exit ways. She moves all this dude's stuff to go check it out. And it's pretty cool. Yes. I mean, I guess like you had to keep these kind of things back when like you were worried about your villa being invaded or whatever.

And it's like an escape route to the sea. But it's pretty cool. Like it's just a cut through the rock wall and it leads out. you'd think that this would be used for something more exciting than what they use it for because the end of this movie turns into a chimp driven closed door farce where the fucking monkeys running through this door and running around this

secret passageway. It's so crazy to have like under your kitchen is a cavern that leads to the ocean. Yeah. You're asking for mold and mildew I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but every house this size comes with a bat cave. It's just built into the fucking structure. Oh my god, I was thinking about that at the end thing. Well, we build it brick by brick.

I wanted to fortify the southern wing. That would have given an extra star if I got to see fucking link up in a Batman costume. Absolutely. That'd be pretty good. This also just eats up time because now Terence Stamp is gone from the movie. Out of the movie. She comes back and like,

where is he? Oh my God. Where's the professor go? She, dude, You open this floor in the kitchen back up. And the first thing she sees is this monkey trying to light the gas oven. Yes, exactly. He's going to hell tonight. He's fucking fiending for a cigar. Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, no, Link. And this is when there's a computer. And it's like, Link Cook Good. Yes. And then Link Fire, cook good. Link Cook Phone, which is what he does. He puts in the fucking microwave. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you sort of, I mean, you get it. But like the movie takes way too. long to confirm that these fucking monkeys are just trying to keep her there. Yes, exactly. They're into it. And you need to see more sinister ape shots or chimp shots. You know what I mean? Like, I need

to see this dude. Like, you're just, you're filming him and whatever, but like the movie's telling you, like, he's thinking up a plan. Exactly. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, it is a little difficult to be sinister when you've got this. Yeah, the score. It's so bad. We're doing a lot of work to destroy this movie.

It's incredible how bad the score is. It just it cuts everything out into pieces. Like Jerry Goldsmith must have like hated this director and he was like, oh yeah, like I'll make your score. I'll give you the worst fucking score you've ever heard. Did a monkey record this? That's what I was trying to go for. How fucking dare you make a sequel to Psycho?

It is a fucking disgrace that you make a sequel to the greatest film ever made. But so Link puts the phone in the microwave and she just kind of, I mean like obviously, I'm hulking ape, but I would just be like, dude, can I get to? This is also like why I, this is one of numerous reasons I didn't have children because I imagined, oh my God, you're raising these. And God bless you, you parents out there. I'm sure you've had to deal with this kids putting phones in the microwave or throwing knives at you. Dude, I want to explain knives and poo and cacaano.

Dude, I want to know if anyone out there has got like an evil kid. You're like suspecting you might have an evil kid. Right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Let us know about your eerie, shitty kid. I mean, you always have to suspect at least once. Like there's definitely one event that always has. happens they're like wait a minute is he wait a minute there's nothing scarier than a kid my old man's got a buddy

who's got like kind of an evil kid story oh yeah so like the way my dad tells it right like this buddy of his uh i don't know if it was like a product of something that he'd been hunting or whatever so it was like a venison thing but he had like a big a big bowl of chili like the big fucking thing of chili on the stove top that he'd been making right and like the guys going about day cooking the chili all day blah blah well doesn't he fucking walk into this kitchen at one lights are off in the kitchen like it wasn't the middle of the night but just no one was in the room i'm terrified dude dude goes into the kitchen turns the lights on sees his own son standing on the countertop above the thing of chili yep pissing in it yeah

pissing in this chili what you're going to get by the way for your folks at home if you have children i'm sure they're lovely they've pissed in your food they've cocked in it they've done everything. They've done it all. I mean, you can't piss on hospitality, chili. I won't let you. That just might be a Bamargera in the making right there. You never know. But yes, it would be eerie. Could have been a bunch of goblins. You never know.

Nilbog. Nilbog sounds like a British town. I'll just say that the dude's guess was kind of right because that guy's been to jail multiple times. He's by exact age and he's been to jail multiple times. Oh, so he grew up to become a... Yeah. Yeah. He won't stop pissing in the chili

He did it at Panera And it's not just it's not just nurture folks There's a nature element to this You can't do anything They're going to come for you Actually the thing is Did he work at Wendy's because if you pissed on by Chile Oh thank you

There's nothing wrong with Wendy's chili As far as chili that you buy in public Wendy's is there Fast food chili it's fine But it is fast food chili There's something around We got it we finally got him at the Texas The Texas chili cookoff

He was trying to piss in the main pot Due to sting operas This entire chili cookoffs Because some guy named the pisser It's supposed to be here Some family down Orlando Had to drink a whole quart of piss He got to their chili

He showed me his iPhone Of some guy eating his pissed chili Unknowingly Extra hot chili be ashamed Showed he pissed in it Oh, they're licking the balls They're licking the bowl It's a fucking pot of chili

with a huge net over it. Swarm! Swarm! Swarm! Get him! Yeah, so it's like the next evening or whatever she wakes up from a little bit of a nightmare, I think, because she hears some animal noises coming from the office, but the door's padlocked right here, and she goes to, like, get the key and whatever, and this is, she finds imp, like, stuck trying to, like, break out of the cage that he's in or whatever. Like, I wouldn't go near this fucking thing.

If it just broke four wrought iron bars off this cage trying to get out, no, sir. Get a frying pan and hit it in his head. But she's like, oh, no, because it's the baby. Oh, little baby. Let's hold it. That's it. That's the whole fight. It's a baby. So, you know, this is what Terran Stamp.

She can't find Terran Stam. It's like, oh, it's nighttime now. Terran Stam stills him back. Oh, what's that imp? Oh, you want something to eat? Okay, well, we'll find you a snack. Where's a snack? And the monkey's fucking, like, pointing at this cabinet. And she opens one, and she's like, no, that's all,

the plastic fruit stupid this isn't you know and then he's like no up up like he's pointing against oh this cabinet no over stupid and she goes and opens this cabinet and voodoo the chimps fucking dead corpse just falls out on the floor this puppet something else oh isn't it link i mean again and this is the scene like and i understand for whatever reason this movie is so and so enamored with the idea of the mystery what happened terran stamp but like at this point you know what turn stamp is dead yeah Why can't we just see it? Like, you know what I mean?

Just show me what happens. Yep. So, like, Link, murder's tear and stamp somehow manages to trap imp in a fucking thing and, like, breaks voodoo's neck. Like, what, he goes full super soldier here? I guess that's the idea. Which they should have leaned into, right? Like, show that he had gotten that human brain matter injection or something that made him crazy. I mean, also, if you want to do what you're doing here, put your fucking elbow into it.

You got to, like, like, they find, like, a bloody knife or. something like that. And there's like some trail to be fucking done. Other than Bailey comes for the cum drop off and he gets in a car accident and oh, that's a mystery. Got a lot of loads from lads

here. Loads from lads. I'm delivering for loads from lads. Come, man. Your man's taking it off, right? I don't got anybody to take these things off. Have your whole case of piping. I'll be back to collect the bottles in the morning. He's picking up all this.

used bottles outside. Imp, I guess you have to do it. Get a couple loads with you. We are skipping. Yes, she goes to find Dr. Philip in town the next day. The next day, she's like, I got to go into town. But uh-oh, those rotten dogs that rule this part of the island are there. So fucking funny.

It's dog just chasing this woman. And, you know, Elizabeth's got to run up and she fucking jumps up like on this fence. And she's kind of like kicking the dog. The dog's not like backing off or whatever. But Link is following her first. Link, go home. Link go home, you know, but then... Link's happy. Link did not go home.

Link tackling this dog initially, too, is just such a good visual. Because it's a person in a monkey suit tackling a dog puppet. Everything about it is fake and amazing. And then it's against a fence. He starts swinging this dog like a baseball bat against a fence pole. It's a Jason Voorhe's killed. It is, yeah.

It's great. It's really awesome. And I wish, like, I could have seen this fucking chimp do that to any of the bro dudes that come by later or Terran. stamp or whatever. Not just this dog pop back. Not just animal on fake animal violence. When I'm watching this the first time I'm like, say, now we're doing something.

Remember that video Nasty's List. Come on. Don't you love the mystery? I did appreciate when the dog starts talking like Robert Smygel for a little bit. Because it really is a fucking try to you. I'm doing a security guard dog

role in this movie, huh? I have heard of Planet of the apes but island of the apes my lord um i do like after link fucking kills the dog too she's looking like all horrified because the they throw the dog puppet like down in front of elizabeth shoe and she's face to face with this dead dog it's very funny but then like she's like oh my god link and this fucking chimp goes to do a fist bump like right yeah i fucking killed him for you yeah fist bump it out let's do it oh it's awesome you're always supposed to forgive them no matter what And that's forgiveness in the ape community, I believe.

Even if they take your nuts. Even if they take, you got to, thank you. I love having our time. Forgive the monkey. With the monkey's feeling. It's like, you know, good game, good game. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

So there's a quick scene where we got to remind ourselves that this boyfriend, David, is in the movie, and this dude's call in the house. And she gets all excited because there's a phone that hasn't been microwaved, and she runs up. And it's like, I guess this is Terrence Stamps' bedroom because it's like a bed, like a half-drank glass of wine, and then this hilarious pile of all these unpurchased copies on his book. Well, I guess I'll make a little fort out of that, out of my failure ford.

What a loser. Get out of here. Leave. This is not a scientist. No. But so while she's on the phone with David, what is Link doing but swinging from the power line? the phone line rather right he cuts the he cuts the phone line he's like Michael

Myers but again like when this is supposed to be like it's like the villain of the movie is stopping the the protagonist like you know escape route or whatever you've just got do do do do do do do do do it's like you need this movie to fucking have the music tension to help because

weird because Psycho 2 is a pretty tense movie you know what I mean it's not a masterpiece and road games is pretty good too and it's like what is happening I think they were worried about that video nasty. It's possible, but I mean... Thatcher was ruling... You want this thing to be dangerous and it's Dunstan.

It is. He's just mugging the whole time. Dude, Link checks in, definitely. Oh, Link versus Dunstan. Both orangutans by the way. Yeah. What had the balls to be one. Right, exactly. I would love to see that. That's like a Kong ex-Gonzella, you know? It's pretty much to say that. Video game

game primal rage. Oh, yeah, totally. Dude, played a lot of primal rage back in the day. That game sucks. Yeah, it's not very good. I like the idea. I did. It was just like, oh, and then they'll only have like three moves, huh? That was always a problem with fighting games.

Like, they look cool and then you're like, oh, this doesn't have the engine of street fighter or Mortal Kombat, it just kind of sucks. Exactly. There's a lot of those that are added to the, like, the Super Nintendo, like, streaming library on Switch. And I'm always like, oh, kick ass, a new fighting game. And you're like, oh, it's a high kick and a low kick and a high punch and a low punch, huh? I'm going to low kick the whole time.

Boy, it's just. not the same doing virtual fighter from home and he would ever play war gods no what's that the n64 fighting game was like n64 comes out it's got fucking it's got

you got your super mario I know the history yeah you know you know your history very good all right so he was in 1995 crack was king and this is before YouTube you understood

I need a needle drop for this story of this story You have a song from the arrow. No, but it's just there weren't many games. It was just a dream. I used to read Word of Magazine. Okay, now I'm getting there. Okay, go ahead. There weren't many games for the system and the outing, as I should say.

Yeah. And it was fucking Christmas. I got fucking Mario, amazing game. Oh, yeah. And then my aunt is like, hey, I heard you got this new system. I got a brand new game. Like, is it Zelda? Oh, no, it's war gods.

And it's like there, there were gods that fought, which sounds a lot more cool than it is. It was, like, digitized, like, mortal comets, and they were, like, real people. Oh, fuck, yeah. I remember there was a guy in Kabuki dress called Kabuki. Oh, yeah, pretty creative. Yeah, there was, like, a Duke, newcom-looking dude. Hell yeah, now we're talking. I guarantee you.

You have to face off with sushi. I am sure there are many people listening to this that were equally disappointed by war gods. So you started to take up time on Eric's precious podcast. No, precious podcasts. We're just, I have no idea what to say in this episode. There's nothing to this movie. Thank God. We're talking about war.

War gods. Well, I want to know this then, though, because you got Super Mario 65. You were blessed with war gods. But not even the courtesy of a Wave Race 64? I got that later. Oh, okay. Oh, man. That's just jet skiing all day. It was awesome. You'd like crash into a fucking huge shipping container and your player would fall off the little ski do there. It was awesome. You felt like you were in the islands. Yes. Totally. Beautiful. Virtual vacation. War gods. Be careful what you pray for. Whoa, shit. Oh shit, because, like, the commoners pray to these fellas that fight each other, right? Yeah, so here's the nubis versus someone.

Okay. Oh, that just so. You know, like, dude, I'm actually kind of jealous. You got war gods. I never had war gods. I'm going to see if war gods has been added to the 64 fucking library. I don't know.

Probably is cheap as fuck. But so, like, she, yeah, she narrowly is. Now, now she's totally alone. And it's time for a bad. Oh, boy. Here it is. The whole thing with the boyfriend is, yeah, they get cut off. His buddies are like, you know, oh, you're getting Randy on the phone, dad.

I love the funniest thing about when the boyfriend makes the phone call. These dudes are either in, like, a museum or, like, the lobby of administrative building. And, like, he is screaming on the phone to her. And the dudes are screaming at him. And I was like, fellas, you're in public. Let's act accordingly. Well, because they're like, oh, she's probably sucking off the old man in change. Yes, there's jokes about this.

To what you said, Eric, it's the only joke. It's like every time they come, it's him like, where's my girlfriend? She's fucking the old man. Because they are doing it later when they are inevitably driving to the house. They are breaking his, but they're playing the kinks, uh, eight man or whatever that song is. Great song. Just to really bust this dude's balls about the monkey scientist fucking this guy's girl. I know, she's going to fuck him because you ain't, you weren't in Superman too, will you?

I'll have you know that King Kong is referencing the song but they do also have a song called King Kong Oh look at that And back then professors were allowed to pray on children That was a huge thing Animal House had a king's had lots of songs About it

So yeah that's all They get cut off and whatever So she has decided to take a bath Is where we're at here And man this little fucking chimpanzee pervert She gets naked This is the golden and glit lobus of it all. Who is involved?

Yes, certainly, certainly. But, like, Mannheim's only day on set, by the way. So, of course, this will be the day we're doing the bath scene, correct? He was in the monkey outfit. Yeah, I was watching. You do have, you do have the story about the nuts of being thrown.

Yes. The nuts are go off. The, uh, did you read about this scene in the trivia? Because it's clearly written by a pervert. Okay. Yeah, okay. Because it's like, uh, This movie was Elizabeth's shoe's first go with nudity. And you could see the side of her right breast and the side of her left breast.

But then when it goes full frontal, that was her body double, the name of which I've linked to in this very trivia piece. Thank you. Thank you. She lives on 19 Shirley Avenue. I'm looking at her right now. Was it leaving Las Vegas? She did more. Is that right? Yes. Yeah, I think there's quite a lot in that. never seen leaving it's good credibly depressed yeah which means it's good it's a very it's a glimpse

into the future not always but sometimes yes uh but so she yes anyway she's taking a close off here and she's like oh this monkey's looking at me huh great ape acting here the the monkey like they keep cutting in and the monkeys give it like a squid like a clit's doing kind of squint the squint that says i like what i'm saying exactly it's really it's a real carry on it's unsettling it is actually feel this ape get an erection through the TV screen. Thank God he's wearing pants. Because I mean, but that's the thing too is like, also I'm in

this fucking house. This professor is missing. Hey, anytime I go to the bathroom, I'm closing and lock of the door. Just pretty much one about myself. I'm just closing the lock of the door. Going to bed. A matter of course. I lock the bathroom all the time now because I got these two new cats, these kittens.

Oh, yeah. They are, they can open doors. Well, you got a little raptor kittens, huh? I do, I do. And they're opening the doors. And that's why I lock it. And then you can hear their struggle and their confusion of why they can't open it. Did you ever get the paw under the door?

That's pretty fucking amazing. It's creepy as fuck. Yeah. Dude, these invasive little fuckers, my dog doesn't give a shit, man. I'm in the, I'm in the toilet. If I'm home by myself and it's just me and the dog, that bathroom door is staying wide open. She doesn't care. They don't give a shit until it's when I wake up in the morning to feed them.

But I go to the bathroom first. Then they get fucking furious. I think the part of the thing is they don't like a close door. They don't like the feel restricted. They want that's a space that was open. It should still be open. They own you. Yes,

exactly. But even still, I'm just closing the door behind me and locking it. Elizabeth Schu just got this door open. This monkey's watching. Of course this fucking ape's going to run into the room with an erection. The monkey's like, what are we going to do about this?

She tries way too late. You can't try to close the door after he's got the boner because then he creepily puts the monkey hand through the fucking crack in the door and he's like, uh-oh oh you gotta shoot and kill him yeah and this is amazing because she just takes one look and it's like you know what maybe i'm not gonna take this bad yeah exactly like closes her bath and put the bathroom back on drains that tub it's like you know what never mind i i don't know how you get comfortable with the house that is i think still i don't think she's keeping up with it is still being full with shit oh absolutely and having shit thrown against the walls probably

there's a there's we didn't see it in the movie there's got to be a room that's like the feces tossing You know what I mean? Definitely. It's a big house. There's got to be probably five or six rooms full of just shit-fussed. Don't go into this room, this room, in that room, unless you have a fucking gas mask. Fucking production designers should be put on trial for not having this shit.

I'm sorry. I knew it was a couple marks on the wall. The funny thing about this whole house, it's so clearly a set that they built. But there's some very interesting, like, transitional shots in this movie where it like goes up and over the set and things like that. Yeah, stuff like that's cool.

There's some good little flares throughout this movie. Good director, I think. The next morning, Mr. Bailey shows up. Mr. Bailey is our illegal monkey handler guy. And he's coming here because he's been trying to get a hold of Terran Stan for two days to no avail. So he's just going to pop in and he's going to get his two apes and get out of here. I got one to kill and one to sell. Selling one to a circus that's probably going to kill it later and then I'm going to kill one right now.

Now, the comb is in vats. Are you okay with vats? Big white barrels. And she's like, well, okay, here's the deal. I don't know where Taryn's stamp is and also voodoo is dead. And he's like, all right, fine then. Well, the other, he wants the other one. He still wants a link there to take out.

Dude, goodbye. Cool. Awesome. Goodbye, Link. You and Mr. Bailey enjoy each other. Absolutely. Get this fucking thing out of here. And I mean, Bailey's devastated. He lost some money. He was going to beat that, beat that ape to death with a tire iron.

He was going to get paid for that. if it's already dead shit yeah oh yeah and bailey assures me that he is humane when he puts them down it's not just a baseball bat with nails in it i mean you're mr science right why doesn't dr philip just inject it with some you know murdered liquid or oh i couldn't no i couldn't i've fucked these animals he definitely has he's fucked at least one of them i would say all so like bailey's getting a little fresh right here you know uh with with he is. He is. He'll by yourself, are you? Have you seen a straw dogs motion picture? Spoiler in that. No. But this fucking link's looking and like, pick a lane link. Either like you want to kill this woman or you're fine with like this dude. Like you know what I mean? He doesn't want to kill her. He's in love with her dude. This is the problem. This is it love? That's I mean, it's lust. That's what are we going to do about this look? You could have killed her there. He's trying to. He's trying to.

And later on, actually, I think it might have happened the night before when she's doing flips for imp and, like, Link has been, like, locked out of the house or whatever. Yeah. He's, like, sexually jealous. Like, that's monkey sex. Doing a flip for a monkey. Sure, sure. Yeah. For a monkey.

Man, I hate this movie. I just truly. She seemed to be an expert here, Steve, about the look. Was that what King Kong had? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, okay. Because I thought that was more intimate.

I thought that was much a warmer look. Apes prefer blog. dude, that's just how that works. You know, you're the expert. But he lifts up the car kind of a thing. That's pretty great. After, because he's like, oh, you're giving me a bit of trouble, all you, whatever. And then he looks at like, an imp is fucking let the air out of his one tire.

That's pretty great. But the dude sort of just, like, drives off. I just like, all right, well, I'll come back another time to murder this animal, I guess. Which again, if there, and now this is not a mystery I need. But when they kill this bailing, why can't I see it? Yeah. Yeah. Like, what are you doing?

Because we find his car down the road later, like abandoned, and she's trying to get out of there through that. There's a second car, Eric. Which I thought was going to be fucking Dr. Phillips' dead body in that car. No, but that's his car, though. It's his car. Link did that as a way to get throw off the detectives to make a car accident. But this is where we also see the well.

Very important here. There's this well. and Link has trapped inb inside it is the idea. So she like gets this, you know, it's basically like a manhole cover kind of thing over this well as heavy cover, gets it off. She chastises this, you know, chimp again. Like, what are you doing?

That's not how we treat people. And this leads to, like, you stay out here until you learn what you've done. And here's the thing. This is why I think it's back to fucking killing, though. Because she leaves this animal outside and she's playing with the other one, like you said, and, and, and, uh, link is up on the on the roof like looking down through the skylight to see it right but here's what's going on and this is why elizabeth's she's a piece of fucking shit in this movie yeah fuck you because there's a there's a fucking violent thunderstorm outside and she's like oh should we let him in i'm like there's fucking lightning and you left this fucking animal outside like what are you doing of course it wants to kill you now either but also just make up your mind if you do want to kill it yeah just kill it let bail you get it torture it by putting it yeah i agree it's it's it Come on.

Is this when basically Imp uses the computer to let her know that Link is evil, Link bad? Right. Kill, Link, get God, or whatever. Like, this is smart. Oh, this is where she finds out about the, um, um, um, uh, imp puts the tape on. Oh, right. And this is where she hears all the audio cues and shit. The movie, man, the movie thinks you're just a bunch of dumb motherfuckers though, doesn't it?

Because like, the tape starts playing. And anyone with half a brain is like, oh, that's what Terran Stam said before. how you know, because he's got 20 lines in the movie, and you hear him say five of them repeatedly. So while that's going on, and you've already put it together, the movie does like a two images of Elizabeth's shoe at the same time, and it's

the flashback to her, and I'm like, you're fucking terrible movie. There's, you know, maybe there's apes that are watching the movie. It's true, yeah. They need a little more help. They wouldn't be able to put the pieces together, yeah. Because this must be big for apes. We all watch the ape-friendly cut. Yeah, okay. Yes. It's great.

but yeah the thunderstorm happens and the next day this is she goes up on the roof here and she's like on binoculars because she's like I can't leave this fucking place so I guess what with the dogs yeah I'll go up on the roof and like see if I can spy anybody and she

sees the van Bailey's van like down and so then this is where we go and she's just like trying to get this chimp to help her jump start this van that's pretty funny he's like you have to push well her with this house it's basically that Cape Fear of the Simps is when Bart looks on one, it's the crocodiles,

but you go to the other one, it's the eels. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And then what? This ape pushes this car, keeps going and going and going. Yes. Over a cliff. She has to bail out at the last second.

Dude, she waits way too long. I'm like, lady, this chimp is throwing this car off the cliff. She's like, like, Link, stop it. Oh, Link, you better stop it. It was like, dude, he's not listening to you anymore. No, because he's trying to see. And again, he's trying to kill this woman. okay she left her out

outside the thunderstorm where we see the other car so he's done it before and is this where we find the body of Mr. Bailey or is that a little later rash don't they find it when they're she sees him later now this is this movie has to be drawn out as fucking much as possible she sees

the other car and she just goes link where's Dr. Philip and that's like the end of the scene and then this is chase is her up the road and this is when we see the other car coming with the boyfriend right basically around here this is uh yeah around here

because yeah it's like the kill the kill link thing happens when they get back to the house right here um and then she's like the most adorable part of the movie I have to say she reads uh imp the three little pigs and he's got this cute little chimp just like listen to this little story

disgusting it kind of about to be of barbarian the shot to the car everybody of what Justin Long is introduced in the movie oh yes you got the kicks blasting I was thinking of a barbarian a few times with that catacomb basement oh yeah sure yeah

I wonder if Zach Dr. Philip there with a measuring tape oh oh is this square footage I could put on my listing I'm going to check the meter ma'am oh I need to use your bathroom no it's a number one

it's just a number one the tape that says red hair orangutang from gas station but yeah the thing is link breaks back in the house. Yes. And because there's a whole like, imp, open the door, open the door

and gets it just in time. The fucking, you know, Link runs around and this is where he's dieharding because he gets in the vents and then he breaks through the floorboard to get back in the house. Terrified, terrified. Yes. Just going through this parquet floor. She also shoots through with a shotgun. Yes.

Through the door. Because Link is like in the process of Jack Nicholsoning in this door. Yes. Like just like the shining, this fucking monkey's banging down this bathroom door. It's ridiculous. Where are you, boy? But so then, so... Now he's got a bloody shirt.

Again, he's got a bloody white shirt. He's going through vets. He's Bruce Willis. He's got the same head shape. Yeah, both bald, definitely. But so she uses the escape route through the kitchen here and takes imp out and they fuck off.

And there's a cool copter shot of them coming out of the cave and then it goes up and over. And it's a little bit of a cheat because we do a dissolve into another copter shot and then this is our boys listening to the kinks driving up having a great fucking weekend

busting your friend's balls about maybe his girlfriend's cheating on him We're gonna live forever I mean like honestly I mean I guess sometimes in college you've got nothing to do that day but like I think my girlfriend is cheating on me with this professor

I'm like I'm cool dude I got I got war gods to play doesn't sound like an adventure to me I heard there's chicken wings in the dining hall tonight I'm gonna stick around campus and I will not be ripped apart but this dude's monkey.

Yes, but so our three fellows go inside here and then this is pretty much like the end of the movie the final sequence here. But they go inside and they instantly see like there's been like signs of a struggle and all the destruction that's happened already and sort of like walking around. Hello, is anybody?

Oh my God, the smell! Not one of them. Comments on the smell of this house and you can you can forgive Elizabeth Schuke because she says she's a zoology student. Whatever. Terrence stamp, his fucking, you know, fossils have burned out years ago.

He's used to the smell. These three guides need to come in and start throwing up everywhere. But these are British blokes. They probably don't bathe very often. They're in these dorm rooms together at all times. Irish kid is like, you know what, man, you guys enjoy whatever this nightmare is. I'm going to hang out outside. And again, like we get the, he finds the well.

He finds Ter and Stem's body. And it's like, who cares? This guy opens and goes, who's that? Exactly. Can someone who knows him find the body? Yeah, the body is, and this is what kills me about this Because I would have loved to see this Because he's in a cage

Yeah, he's caged like an animal And thrown down a well I think it's the travel cage that he was trying to get voodoo in I would have loved to see this guy be shoved into cage That's what gets you on the nasty list That still won't rot this He drops a matchdown to light illuminate it And the fire's right on him

He should have been he should have clipped up It should have been blown above like fucking, like hereditary. Sure, yeah. That'd be cool. I mean, it's a lab coat. Those are flammable. Sure. But we do get a classic dummy kill here.

This is great. I love this. Solid stuff. Because the, you just see Link's hand pull this kid down and this dummy just goes all the way. It hits on top of the cage. It pushes its own body and the cage into the water. Yeah. Beautiful.

It's boil that well. I love a dummy kill. Dummy kill again. I gave this two and a half stars. I think one. So did I. One is the dummy kill. One is the dog puppet.

Yep. And then half's the nudity. I'll be honest. Let's also don't remember the ending with this fucking monkey on top of the burning house. Oh, God. I love it. But yes. Trump of the world, my.

That's exactly what I was thinking of when I was watching it. This is, uh, no, so this is where, um, we followed, we're back with Jane and Imp. imp has like hauled ass up this you know cliffside she climbs up this is where Bailey's body just falls out of nowhere and you're like all right I mean we'd like to see that too

you might as well have a fart noise when it comes out who cares hi I'm dead obviously oh no I'm sorry the noise is bum pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop then you got real quick other guy number two he's walking through the house he hears some noise

you know on the other side of the front door he fucking opens the mail slot and puts his hand through it and I'd love to see the repercussions of this because a few shots later we come back and clearly this chimp has pulled this man through the entire male slot. You do see his arm get pulled

but then it's a quick cut. Yeah, that means nothing good because the fucking aftermath of everything is a big bloody wood explosion through the middle of this door. Again, get the fucking dummy out of the well dress it like other guy number two and pull that fucking dummy through the

door. Exactly. God damn this movie straight to hell. Straight to monkey hell. Well, you know what? A real horror director would have fucking pulled him through the slot. Yes. That's what you do. Well, the slot goes with it. You know what I mean? If it was a Peter Jackson thing, the mail slot would

stay in place and he would get pulled out. Yeah, I want to bend it in and see. Do we ground down? See how this David boyfriend breaks his leg? No, I don't think you do. Oh, I've got a broken leg now he's farting around in the house like in the hallway at one point and then you see link like in the shot like behind him

that's the end of that then the next thing you know this dude's got a broken leg so now we're just now yes Elizabeth shoe is impetus she winds up in the house and she's running around David she finds David she puts uh what is like a stick and some string she makes like a little

stent there for his leg yeah yeah you got to straighten out that leg so you can jump all over it even though it's broken this poor bastard is really flying this way and that with a broken leg sounds pretty awful to me I do like Link there's a shot of Link looking down onto like the foyer

when she comes in the house and he again fucking Nicholson I think I think this monkey saw the shining because he's also now trying to fool her using the footprints because he's made like these bloody footprints like go in one direction

and he watches her follow the footprints like yes do it, you're falling for my monkey track. You hear that, Dr. Philip? He saw it on television. Hey monkey, when you're done bombing the universe, get in here. Oh, my monkey's

having a good time in the games room. Well, now, Richard Franklin was like, oh, could, you know, I know it's a little irregular, but could Bongo watch the Shining and just get into character? I would just like, Just sit him down and watch it.

You want some banana foster, Doc? That's a great fucking, like, DVD extras is watching that chimp watch a movie. That'd be amazing. Yeah. But so then there's a weird, dude, this got an actual guffaw from me. She walks into the dining room and then here is this chimp sitting at the head of the table. Yes. As if he's about to introduce like a parlor scene for the movie.

You want it. You may be wondering, oh, oh, ah! Why I've called you here. this evening. I want that right? Just underline that he was doing brain experiments on this thing and it's like we want what do you want, civilization. You don't even have to pay for anything. Keep the

camera on her and do a black philip and just you know, I've kept it from you. Yes, exactly. I suppose I should come clean. And the thing is like she's got a big steak knife from the kitchen that she's been walking around with and he's holding like a butter knife and she like slowly puts her knife down and he's

like, all right, no weapons. But she fucking takes this chimp's hand and why on earth would you do that? Because she's got to, you know, she's trying to smooth things over. Right, yeah. Then she just slaps them in the head and runs away. That's a great fucking head slap throwing this thing to the ground. She goes into where else but the secret cave yet again. Somehow along the way and this is you this is the one and this is nothing to do with video nasty, nothing.

you gotta show me how this chimp got this broken leg full grown human man under them floorboards because all of a sudden the guy wakes up and he's like you know like fucking kill bill volume two he's banging on the floorboards and she finally finds it but it's like what you gotta show me the monkey doing this come on no you get other laborers in here what was this right she saves him and now we're fully underneath in the catacombs again? This is what we're using reverse psychology I love this, man. It's like, oh, it sounds like he might want a nice tasty cigar

up there. Let's tell him not to do that. Don't, and she's like, cigars are for humans, Link. That's so stupid of you. Yours is it stupid. Well, I'm not. She could call me fucking stupid. Link can't cook. You can't put that gas on the stove. First, she

fucking leaves me outside in that thunderstorm. And now she's saying, I can't cook. I showed her, I cooked that fucking phone. Delicious. That phone would have been delicious. It was for both of us.

You didn't even try. You didn't even take a bite. It got done cooking in two seconds later. You threw it in the garbage. But she's like, you better do that stupid, you stupid monkey. You would never cook. Never have a cigar.

You don't have a fucking cook? And I'm going to have a fucking cigarette. How about that? Dude, and like all this is going on. She's pumping the gas. She's turned the gas back on in the basement. Yeah, we see her flip the gas on and off about seven times in this movie. So that goes back

on and this is all happening. And again, like you're trying to raise the stakes. This monkey might blow himself to hell. Which I wanted to see. I wanted this explosion monkey bits. Yeah. Dude, and all you hear over all of this. It's so stupid. Escalation. So, yeah, I'm

cooking and I'm fucking smoking a cigar and I'm jacking my shit. How about that? That is also happening now. I'm just jacking my monkey penis. But the oven explodes and all this is light the curtains on fire, pretty much. Yeah, I was hoping for something better there, man. But we'll get there on the roof. Sure.

So kind of like the end of the changeling, this huge house is on fire. The staircase, more than anything, made me think of the changeling. Because in that movie, the fucking staircase burns down, too. And he's just up there smoking a cigar, like, oh, man, what a fucking life. These are the days, champs. These are the days. It's a pretty fucking funny scene. Dude, this monkey just falls.

He's on the top of the world. and you just see this monkey fall back through and it's almost into the burning house like you can tell he's like fuck I didn't think it was going to go this way yeah exactly

he's like oh man I had all that money stored there I was going to leave we're going to go back to Africa so he's dead and then we also see the burning of Dr. Phillips yeah the precious manuscript of limbo the new book as well

how to monkey fuck a Bible so all of his precious work is for knots oh no also here's a thing for uh jane and david escaping and living through this no one's believe in a monkey did this no not a single fucking person was gonna believe you when you go to the cops get back to america asep again no one in the town knows about the monkeys like what monkeys right you talking about exactly yeah i mean that's why you were doing all the shady work with bailey so the townspeople wouldn't find out and then they find all the charred corpses in the house and they're like these apes but you're saying these are apes but look at the corpses of the British students they kind of look the same you just killed

more of your school chums in here didn't you I can't count out that that Terrance Stamp doesn't have a girl with the dragon tattoo as family of psychopaths oh they're going to come after her after all of this because like yeah you kill a rich person you are really up shit's great that's true That is really not, it is frowned upon. I'm excited for Link 2. You sold me on it. Yeah, let's do it. But yeah, so they get in David's car.

They're driving down the road and here's Imp alive, just hanging out on a stone fence. And she pulls over. No, it's okay, David, he's a baby. It's all right. He's like, are you fucking kidding me? And yeah, you can sit in the backseat with David. I don't know what this monkey ride shotgun. Exactly.

You love him so much, sweetheart. You enjoy them. Exactly. There's a seatbelt up there for him. It's fine. And we pull away and we see, we, it pans up and we see that imp has killed all these sheep in this field. All these sheep and I think a dog too, maybe, I don't know. Like the sheep dog, the sheep, the fucking sheep farmer, he got them all.

I have to tell you, as much as I am a proponent for VHS, I didn't get that the first time because it's just, it's just blurry. Yeah. Like, what is that hay pile? It's like, oh, wow, that's a nice city-country ride. All right. I mean, we kind of sucked. That's it. Did they burn the grass?

yeah all the sheep have been taken out and it's very funny and that's that's the end of this movie thank god yes thank you jim from somewhere indiana northwest i believe let's see how much of that eric got right indiana i do know is correct jim from northwest indiana well okay let's see now let's see what link got right from this oh he finished the test but we'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts on our first

listener request month entry of the year Eric Siska. The lightest of lightest recommends. I think this is good with people watch this with my wife and I had a fun time with it. I feel like if I watched it alone I would have been more negative to it but it is just it is I mean it's not a good

movie but just seeing some ape shenanigans and also the ape smoking a cigar at the or whatever he is chimp orangutan's all the fucking same. It doesn't matter he's a chimp who's died it's stolen valor he's dyed his hair to look like a

Or an orangutang tang stolen valet to look like a chip. Well, just the shot of him falling through the house. I was hysterically laughing at. So it gets the light as a light recommends. Chris Cabin. Raul Walsh famously wanted to replace James Cagney with an orangutan for white heat. So I do understand it. You know, yeah, I guess it's a light, a really light one.

Because it is just like, I like watching monkeys. what do you want nothing wrong with that? I like I like animals on film in general like I think it's interesting especially with violence right sometimes well oh no to them no absolutely not I will not

no don't you start to us him to me that's fine that's absolutely fine so yeah like on that level I was like oh this is funny this is interesting but like I really do have to reiterate I love her but Elizabeth she was not like

holding a movie together I don't think that is my opinion and especially when you have Terrence stamped there for 20 minutes and I'm like he I know a lot I know Steve Saneck Yeah I'll go with Eric on the light

Right the weird thing is Second time around no recommend First time around Light recommend I watched again six months ago or eight months ago Whatever with my wife late at night Having some beers And we had fun with it

It was dry and it does drag, but we definitely had fun with it. And then coming back to it, I'm like, wow, there is just dull shit here. So it's a one and doneer. It's a one and doneer for sure. That's part of my light recommend is a one and done. A one and done. Yeah, I was genuinely surprised to see that I, you guys had rated this all way higher. I thought you would love this.

You were raving about the monkey for months. No, because that's the thing. I like the toy. I love monkeys, toys or otherwise. You know what I mean. But like this fucking sucks. This ain't it. I'm sorry. This movie's like watching fucking monkey wallpaper dry. Like it's awful. I was so stunned by how little happens in this movie. And by the time you get to like what is yeah, sure, a pretty cool finale. And yeah, top of the world. Ma is amazing. But all of it is just completely kneecapped by this bullshit. Jerry Gold Smith score that made it impossible for me to take this movie seriously at any point. It's fucking awful. I will never watch it again and I'm so glad I did not waste money on that 4-8

did. Probably a good move. But that is going to do it for our conversation about Link from 1986. Again yes, thanks to Jim from Northwest Indiana for calling in this one. Lots more listener requests one stuff to come including on the Patreon by the way, patreon.com slash we hate movies

where you can get conversations like this one. All we hate movies episodes, commercial free over there folks if you had some ads here during our link conversation over on Patreon they did not so that's going on the listener request month WLM

if you are listening to this episode the Tuesday that it comes out or the week that it comes out this Thursday so just the six a few days from now the we love movies about in the line of fire an actual awesome movie with Clint Eastwood and Renee Rousseau

Look at us pairing Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood with a garrangentan. See? Always thinking. Always thinking. No, but that was an awesome one that a patron requested, and we had a lot of fun laying that one down. So that's going on. Listener request month goes out into the Nexus as well. We're getting ready to do two awesome DS9 episodes, two very different DS9 episodes, one both beautiful and sad and another one horny and hilarious. Yes, Andrew.

And LRN is also going on. Listener request nothing. and that is our Melro 210 We are continuing with Daddy Wars It is hitting a fever pitch folks And then we also have Melrose place Which is of course just bananas in general Bananas, love that

On animation damnation We are talking about Daria Depth takes a holiday I believe it is Yes, that's right It sounds like from the description One of the weirder Daria episodes I did not remember this one Reading the episode description

Still though I was a Daria Head from the jump, so I'm very excited for that. Yes, and on the Gleap Glossary, the Star Wars Side Show, we'll be talking about the Rancor Keeper, the fat guy that blubbers when the Rancourt dies. If you want to know his life story, Dune into the Patriot. Are we getting past 15 minutes, Eric? We are. Oh, okay, okay.

Just for clarity, though, this isn't the Danny Trejo rancourt dude. No, no, no, no. This is the guy from Return of the Jedi. Right. I believe the character's name is, my. It's a monkey name of some kind this guy has. I'll have it all sewed up for you on the Patreon. I'll learn how to say it, don't worry.

And also on Patreon, can you believe it? You're like, how much more content? There's more content. We did a full, sinkable commentary to the game that is coming out this month. That's right. That is coming out at the end of this month. We did that. Geez, we recorded that last month.

It's a ball. That's locked and loaded, ready to go. You do not want to miss that commentary. Now, of course, we hate movies, continues next week with an all new episode on Tuesday that indeed is also listener requested Steve Sadek what are we talking about this will be the first time I will be watching eight heads in a duffel bag too the fourth time I'm watching that's about right yeah it was on I don't know what TNT and TBS all the fucking time back in the day in

the 90s and I would avoid it like I was in a fucking minefield dude like don't step over there eight heads in the duffel bag is playing remember it being quite poor but you know what I feel like we'll have a good conversation. New eyes. You know, you're a new person in many years have passed. Exactly. You never know. You might fucking love this movie. That is not happening. I might go ape shit for this one.

I might go, I know, I might go ape shit. I don't know. So until next week, when Eric goes ape shit for eight heads in a duffel bag, I've been Andrew Juppin. Stephen's say that. Eric Cisca. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.