We Hate Movies - S15 Ep805: Willow

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

“There’re piles of skulls, which of course I appreciate” - Steve on the set design On this week’s episode, Totally Cool Awesome 80s Month and the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza pay tribute to the late, great Val Kilmer with a convo about the super-fun Ron Howard fantasy flick, Willow! How amazing are Warwick and Val together on screen? Isn’t it refreshing that Davis was just allowed to put a shirt on and be this character, without getting covered in prosthetics or whatever else? Wouldn’t things have been just fine in this movie without the Brownies flying around? And how amazing is that two-headed Siskel & Ebert monster? PLUS: Queen Bavmorda accidentally touches The Ooze and becomes Super Bavmorda (and is also played by Kevin Nash)! Willow stars Warwick Davis, Val Kilmer, Joanne Whalley, Jean Marsh, Patricia Hayes, Billy Barty, Mark Northover, Pat Roach, David Sternberg, Phil Fondacaro, Tony Cox, Kevin Pollak, Rick Overton, and Gavan O’Herlihy as Airk; directed by Ron Howard. Don’t miss our next Worldwide Digital Event, happening Friday, June 20th at 9pm/eastern where we’ll be LIVE talking about a total superhero all-timer, Superman II! Join us that night to revel in all the fun with Zod & Friends, everyone at the Daily Planet, and the two legendary performances from Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman! Replay available for 14 days after broadcast!  Tickets are going fast for our three-night residency during the Oxford Comedy Festival! We’ll be doing six shows over three nights from July 18 through 20. Tickets are going fast—our shows on Quantum of Solace and Hellraiser are already SOLD OUT—so don’t wait, snag your tix today!  Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

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Selection varies by location. Select locations only. While supplies last. See Lowe's.com for more details. This week on the program, we flashed back to 1988, where we talk about the first movie I ever saw in theaters. It's Willow. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Praise the bones. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. This is your first time because you're a huge willow head head. This is a comedy show where we take a movie good, bad and otherwise, and just poke. get around for a little bit. So yes, this week

to continue on totally cool, oh, outrageous, awesome 80s month. Yes, we're talking about Willow directed by Ron Howard. Now check out where this falls in this fucker's filmography. Ronald. Right after Gung Ho, awful movie. I've seen Gung Ho quite a few times. It's super racist, but I liked it as a kid. I barely remember it.

I have never seen that. I've seen this. This is a kid. I like this as a kid. You're not missing much with Gung-ho. And then, after After this, he does parenthood, so that's where it falls in his filmography here. This in Parenthood, I have seen a lot of times because they were on TV all of the time. Parenthood, great movie. Parenthood, it's a good movie. When you have a child, it should also start with the scroll.

It is a time of dread. The Sears have foretold the birth of a child. Okay, go on. This is my first time watching it. Oh, really? Wow. I just somehow missed it. I mean, even with older siblings and stuff, no one was rent and Willow in the same household.

There is a slim chance that someone rented it and I was there when I was five or something. I just don't remember it. Right. That's what I have no memory of watching this movie. We definitely didn't see it in theaters. It was not like playing in my house. And I should say, like I said at the top, this was indeed the first movie I ever saw in theaters. I was a little over four years old.

And I didn't rewatch it until maybe funny enough like six months ago. Oh, okay. And at that time watching it, I was like, where's the one shot you remember from the movie? literally at the end. I think I must have fallen asleep and I woke up and Willow's coming back to the village, a huge hero and that was the only shot I remembered, yeah. I think it's a really good

fantasy kids movie. Like I think this is actually what, when you're looking for it right down the middle, this is right down the middle, this is the thing. It works, it does everything I wanted to, it's all fucking, lights touching things, it's happening, it's nice. You know why? It's right

down the middle, Ron Howard. It's not too good. It's not too bad. He can fuck it up pretty bad though I do think he has some shitty Like I always have plenty of shitty movies Some I can barely count on two hands The amount of shitty movies I mean he's a nice guy

He's a nice sish guy But he's made a lot of bad movies man I would say Apollo 13's gotta be the best right It has to be probably yeah It has to be probably And the thing with Ron Howard too It's generational right like I will tell you Uh his 2000 Jim Carrey Grinch movies

One of the worst things I've ever seen in my life awful. Someone 10 years younger than us grew up with that movie, loves the shit out of it. You know, so that's interesting with Ron Howard's filmography. I grew up with this and I loved it as a kid. I loved that Grand Theft Auto he made. Oh, my goodness. I never saw it. Oh, the

Corman picture. Yes, yes, with the cars and that. I mean, Grand Deft Auto, Billy Barney is stealing cars. I, you know, what I always remember about this, it's funny, Andrew, you're mentioning that ending shot. I always think about this double-headed

monster at the castle. Oh, yeah. Yes. I saw, I don't think I saw this in the theaters, but we definitely saw it like right when it hit VHS and I wore out that tape. I saw this a ton growing up. Skull mask. Skull mask is what stuck in my head from the beginning. And like now

I am like laughing my ass off, like imagining like Ron Howard having some grudge against Pauline Kale. I was like I'm laughing to myself. That was big George Lucas actually. Oh, of course. Big George. And also Apparently, do you hear it read about the dragon, the two-ed-ed-a-d-dragon?

No, is that Ebert and Sisko? It is supposed to be Ebert and Sisko. I'm not kidding. Dude, is that why they panned the movie so hard on the movies. I watched this before we started. What's so funny about that is they pan it so hard. They do have legitimate points. Like, this baby should actually be a character, not just a prop that smiles and laughs

and things like that. There should be consequences. They should be trying to, there should be more about taking care of it through the narrative, and it should be maybe a little shorter, but then they go right into reviewing Jack's Back and they're acting like it's the best movie ever and that is a stinker.

Horrible. Jacks Back, directed by Roadhouse's Rowdy Harrington. Yeah, I remember that shit. From the IMDB, FYI, according to press kits and subsequent novels, the Two-Header Dragon was named Ibor Sisk. A reference to the movie

critics, Gene Siskel, and Roger Ebert. The word does not occur in the film, but it To some reviews, Ebert himself wasn't aware and gave a mixed two and a half star review, but he called the dragon, well done. So there you go. But wait a second. So who has the beef and over what?

Is it George? Did they not like Empire Strikes Back or something? Maybe a little something like that. The guy gets pissed about anything. Well, I mean, it was coming off the heels of Howard the Duck, and I'm sure they were vicious to that. Oh, sure. But who wouldn't be?

There's duck tits in that. Come on now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who wouldn't be, who would, who would dare besmirch something with duck tits? Good point. I'm actually, other side of it, but yeah, sure, fine, yeah, even a pervert, fern. Oh, you know, if I, if you guys are done with that duck puppet, I'm just going to take it home for, for my collection, you see. Yeah, I collect a lot of stuff from my movies. I got a little Ewark costume.

I've got the sexy duck, the duck costume. No, I'm not plucking it, plucking it in my bedroom. at night. It's staying in the bed. I want you to understand that. The duck tits have to be in the bed with me. I'm titty plucking. Oh, yeah. Right between the feathery

valley. Oh, my God. Now I'm just seeing him from behind. Obviously, plaid shirt on. He keeps the shirt on during sex, I think. Every time he's had sexual intercourse, George Lucas has left his shirt on, guarantee. And then a bunch of little feathers flying as he humps this thing's chest, right? Like you're messing up a pillow

Oh, speaking of Howard the Duck, by the way, I saw someone on our Patreon, one of our Patreon chats saying that the guy who played Howard the Duck passed away a few days ago, I think yesterday, and the dude was about to say,

rest in peace. This dude also played Chuckie in the first child's play, among other things. But apparently, though, that dude, if you look on his fucking IMDB, page under trivia for this guy, someone's already

we're recording this folks, I should say May the 28th I believe this dude died on May the 27th someone already updated his IMDB to say that at the time of his death this guy who entertained children for decades was under investigation still for soliciting sex from

many minors. This is allegedly it's allegedly it's allegedly. But it's an ongoing investigation though sounds like it. Which were we're digging into in our five parts series. We're pivoting to true crime

because that's what pays the bills. That's right. The hate of sex crimes of Howard the Duck. Hi, we're here to see Mr. Lucas. Yeah, no, leave it running. We want to get some of the office tone. Yeah, leave it running. We're here to talk about Howard the Duck's sex crimes. They're asking us to leave. Can you believe it? Can you believe it? They're hiding something. They're hiding something.

What are you doing that gun? Stop it. Stop it now. Stop doing that. I don't know why they didn't just, if you're going to go that far with it, if Kale's going to be the general, and you've got an Ebert skill thing going on here. You got to get an evil fucking witch named Saris. You got to get

a fucking, a horse, like a big evil horse named Rex Redis. Like, who's... And then a big mustachioed monster to play... What was that guy's name? Jean Shatatat. Shalit. Yeah, Shalit. There it is.

I will say, this is my first time through... Hope I'm in, no! it's just okay I don't know like it's certainly for kids and I certainly should have if I had nostalgia I'd feel differently about it

it just I think there's a difference between fantasy which I do like and fairy tales which I'm not so and I think this this one skews a little fairy tale Is it because of the prophecy you think

I think it's because the witch is just so like under whatever like she's just like I'm an evil witch She's got that like snow white vibes of that evil witch that type of thing it's the vague

I just want to hold on to power it's the same thing as the evil witch and that fucking Ewox movie because I mean like Star Wars obviously not to compare this to Star Wars but you know it's George Lucas so it's fair it had like a grungy 70s to it and like the empire sort of made

and I'm only talking about Star Wars 77 not like the whole fucking enterprise like that movie had a grungy 70s to do it like the whatever the empire was at that time had a like a it had some kind of a statement that made some sense. You know what I mean? Like, Kenobi had like a

backstory that was interesting. It was commenting on themes at the time, you mean? Yes. This is just sort of like very surface level. I don't need even the statement. I need like just like story that matters me. You got two hours here to fill. Yes, you sure do. You can't have a scene between Kale and the witch where like we find out what

their dynamic is even. Other than like, go get them. Okay. Go get them. It is very one-sided. And when I would go to, like, when they would have one of those scenes, right, I would go to, like, make a note, like, all right, be prepared to mark down an interesting thing that happens in this scene. Oh, oh, oh, and then it's just like, it would cut away. And I was like, oh, well, nothing to be done about that.

Go get the baby. Just go, stop, go get the baby. That's your kids movie thing, right? Like, it's so, like, Mad Martigans is fun, rogue. That's all we need to know. Let's just keep going. But, you know, I kind of wish it kept going. We do get stalled time and time again.

The brownies are annoying. As a kid, I would have defended them, though, because I remember them actually being funny as a, when you're nine years old in like 1990, folks, it's a different story. But then you realize as a 40-year-old man, you're watching it, and Kevin Pollock's doing the like, the position, right, right, voice,

and you're like, oh, man. By the way, I'll correct the record. Oh, my God. People are going to yell at me because I got this wrong. I was not nine in 1990. I was what, oh no, don't make me do math. And 90, 92, I would have been nine. Yeah, yeah, you'd be seven, yeah.

Thank you guys. And also, like, we should say you should, please be sure to like and subscribe for this episode specifically because if this falls below a certain threshold, we'll have to remove it from the internet entirely because I don't want to pay Chris royalties. Yeah, it'll just be, even though we spent millions of dollars on this, millions of dollars, and people did like it.

going to rip it. I'm talking at Disney Plus, obviously. Yes. Willow the TV show. Who are we? I mean, like, without, you know, our principles, though. I have to, I have to stand by them. I guess because it was underwatch. People didn't really care. Um, to just take it off entirely. That is when we see the other stuff you're leaving on there. And I read it was, it was about residuals. It was like, if we keep it on there, then we have to pay people. Gotta pay the actors. Oh, sure. Yeah. So you have, fuck all those people over. I've, I mean, is, is, is Gilroy was involved in that way. too, right? Is he dipping his hand in that one as well? I didn't think so. Okay. Because I was going to say, it might be just a thing like, I can't write Tony Gilroy another check, okay? I can't do it. It's been enough. He doesn't seem to be involved.

No, he's not involved. Did Warwick come back for this show? Oh, that's fucking Kevin Pollack came back for this. Oh, that's what I wanted to hear. I mean, we should start with, I mean, that's what makes this movie. I mean, him and Kilmer, obviously, but Kilmer. We should say Kilmer passing is like

one of the reasons we added this to totally cool awesome 80s July or June, excuse me. It is absolutely charming and super fun in this movie and keeps you engaged and you root for him and all the good stuff you want to do for a hero of this kind of a film. And like

he's not in a silly costume, it's just the dude he's wearing a fun cape and he's just going through it. Isn't that great? Like he can he can just be a dude and he's not like he doesn't have like a big fake long nose or something. something. Or a tail or God knows what else we're going to do to him. Yeah.

You know, anything to make him othered in that way. Like he's just being himself and he's got a, you know, a believable costume on for this world that we're in here. We should say at the start, Eric, you brought up the scroll. I do love so like, yes, of course, it's a kids movie. But it is amazing that the scroll

basically starts with, oh, this queen heard this prophecy where like a magic baby was going to dethrone her. Oh, yeah. So she rounded up all the pregnant pregnant women in her kingdom and was having the children summarily executed

one by one in case it was like sure that's a wild thing to start this movie with it sounds reasonable to me and the prison looks a lot like the prison from the beginning of Robin Hood Prince of thieves I expected to see Morgan Freeman in there you know

that baby's got the magic birth box better movie I'm going to take that baby out of here now thank you yes I mean Robin Hood Prince of Steve's. I do like. That was a previous episode. I still like this, but I agree with you, Steve, that Kevin Costner touch. It is very funny. So, like, uh, this woman has her baby and it bears the, the sacred mark. And she tells this midwife, like, you'll get this fucking shit out of here. Put that shit down. Get the shit out of here. You know, the queen's coming or whatever. And I love that it's like, you assume like, okay, maybe she'll like do like just the Moses and the Reeds river thing or something like that. And that would be it. But it is hysterical. that this old woman goes on this, she's walking across fucking snow-covered mountains. She is the first of many times of this movie.

We are doing some serious Lord of the Rings walking. Oh, yes. But it is just hilarious that this mother is like, quick, get her out of here. And then that turns into like a three-week journey, it looks like. And the Lord of the Rings is definitely an influence here, obviously. Oh, man, big time. This is pre when those, I mean, obviously the back she was out or whatever.

But like, before those movies. Yeah, before that book became a movie. I mean, Willow is kind of like a hobbit, really. It's the shire. How much are the rights? What are you saying? What? I mean, that's why you should delete it off of Disney Plus. We don't want to get sued by a fucking

J.RR. R. J.R. They are, they're into, it's a movie. I think it's a really smart thing. Because at the time, you got to remember, this is around like, when the look who's movies are coming out. Babies are big. Babies are real big in the 80s in the 90s.

And I think they were like, hey, we got, we got little people, we've got babies, and we've got little, little guys, too. We've got all the little guys. Every kind of little guy you can think of, we got it. There was a huge, like, fantasy craze as well. Like, not only with Conan the Barbarians and stuff, but Lady Hawk by Big Dick Donner there, which was a really worse movie than this, I guess. Oh, a lot of those 80s, a lot of the 80s fantasy stuff is just not very great. like legend is it very good but crawl is great

legend is a movie though that I often mixed up with this movie but legend was one that was famously like my mom rented it one time and was watching it like after we went to bed like with my dad or a friend was over or something and I went out to go to the bathroom and just like happened to look into the living room

at the TV and it was right at a shot of like Tim Curry as the big devil monster and it terrified I had no idea what it was and I was literally living in Astoria when I finally sat down to watch legend and I was like, oh shit, it's that movie. Like, I was totally blown away.

And then it was also like, oh, but that also isn't Willow. Weird. So now there's two movies. It's the big devil movie. I was going to say it would be hilarious. And I know your dad I've spent quite a lot of time with him. I would laugh my ass off if it turned

out like you were sneaking out and you looked and like your dad was like pumped for Willow was just like he's like he's coming back to the shire he's like hell yeah hell yeah get him in there Willow

he's a goddamn hero you get your bobbets you get your bobbets and you kick K&U it's also confusing because one movie stars Maverick and the other movie stars Iceman yeah well also that save big during

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Cilose.com for more details. And you also have obviously a big thing looming over this. But it was a year earlier, so it's probably made at the same time. But Princess Bride is very. in this world you know what I mean which I saw mentioned in reviews regarding this and they're right like Princess Bride does more with way less money and tactical stuff

and it feels it just has a better feel to it than this movie this movie does get bogged down it's just missing something like I think maybe it's just having a stronger villain or having like real stakes a lot of the castles and lands start to look very similar in the back half like when we get to the big princess

Dark World Castle. There's some cool skull. There's piles of skulls, which of course I appreciate. Oh, love those skulls. But, you know, I want something, maybe a fire pit, something. You know, let's, let's,

let's shud it up a little bit. Show the difference of kingdoms, perhaps. I mean, what's crazy at the end is we're rushing to end the movie and thank you, by the way. But you're at Tearsleen, and then we're like, oh, no, they got her. We got to go to their castle,

which in, by this time in the movie, you're going forever on this journey. But here it's like, it feels like it's across the street it does i mean it's too little too late i mean at that point like i'm just like yeah i if you want to do this the right way this would have been only 90 minutes and like it would have been like more fights i think that's kind of my issue is there's a lot of like adventuring stuff happening at all times but there's not enough of like hand-to-hand fights between characters the fights are good too like they are they are they are i think it's a highlight it takes

a while for vial kilber to get going because you've got your bad improv scene thing of like i don't want to be here okay let you know what I don't want to talk to you and like that takes a while like when we meet Mad Mardigan at the crossroads and he's stuck in the huge bird cage that that is to me the first time the movie just stops completely dead

because that's also where all the dudes are like we don't want to go any farther Willow so we're going to go home and go fuck yourself and like the one guy stays behind but it is that thing of like there's so many people at that moment Willow Mad Mardigan the rest of the dudes from the village they're all arguing about who's going to be in the movie

and who is not going to be in the same. Exactly. And Burgl Cut should have not gone on this voyage. Burgle Cut, you fucking obnoxious, fat. I despise that. You are a fucking villager, pal. Stick to what you know. You're not going on the road. Is racing home to fuck Willow's wife. That is his goal. You think so? It's like you stay. Well, that's what he's doing in the beginning. Hold on. Do you, is that, you think Kaya's going to cheat on

Willow? I don't. I don't. But she's trying. He's trying to try. Yes. And here's, and here's, this is interesting. You say that, Steve, because I was literally just about to say burgle cut is the Bif tannin of this universe. Of course he is. And the fact that he'd be going home to try to fuck Willow's wife absolutely fits with the Biff Tannen model. So basically, we do a Moses riff.

This lady, you know, she's she runs away from, it takes her a while, she finally finds whatever. They send the dogs after her L-O-L to these dogs. Rat dog! It is just real dogs with like rat tail things put

on them. Like they're costumed dogs. I love a good costumed animal It's good They're dogs And Dustle Dawn makeup Basically Like

We got dog pussy That's the thing is I don't think it's applied Like from Dustle Dawn It's like just like They put like ropes over it It's like when I put Marty in a Halloween costume Yeah

Marty goes as a hot dog Every Halloween or a Ghostbuster It's just a thing You clasp around them like a horse saddle I like a Dineke pussy right that's human right that's taller folks yeah that joan wally situation no so they uh that is

could i say though something the because you're talking about like how they're kind of like hobbits and we have trolls later in the movie the dienki and like whatever the other word is that we have for like the little people it's it's tough when all wins Nelwins

Nelwins yeah like it's tough when high fantasy that's lifted from nothing right this isn't based on a book or anything. It's just an idea. And you're using a bunch of fake names, but there's no grounding for what those things are. So you're trying to figure that

out as you go along. Like, it's kind of tough. It is, but I like the world building that. It's a way that this feels like a lived in world, like realm versus like, if we're just using modern terms, although you could have just used, I guess, dwarf is popular

in fantasy. That would have done, I think that would have been fine. But like, you know, it's find the way it is. I just, you know what I thought of just now what I think it would really have helped here? I need some map cutaways. Oh, I love that. I need to see where everything is because that's kind of an

issue. I'm like, are, is this all like within like five miles of each other? Yes. I mean, that's a good point. Because you never really know exactly where we're voyaging to. It's like, go find a Daniki down by the river. Crossroads. I got to go to the

crossroads to get the fucking. But then you got like Lord of the Rings and it's like you got a journey to Mordor and that's the dread just from building up what Mordor could be and that's this this black castle we get to it's like I don't know jack shit about how bad this kingdom is again

it's a time of great dread and it's like you know obviously we've got to scroll at Star Wars Lucas loves that shit but like it needs a bit more it needs to be like the evil queen has you know taken all the lands from this one and that one and the kines and all the shit that's yes that's where you put

your bullshit names in for humans and little people and whatnot and I can follow the movie easier. It's a bit better so we do a Moses roof we said this little fucker down the river right and then we mentioned that old lady got eaten yeah right she gets them off the like

go now little baby live your life and then is summarily torched by these dogs just torn because the lady is like the queen the evil queen who is like get me that baby and I want that woman alive and it's like These dogs are just going to eat every.

There's no, the dog isn't going to, the devil dog isn't going to, like, put the baby in a bass and that. Put cuffs on him? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just going to say, Chris, like, you wanted to put the fucking, the woman in handcuffs? They're dogs. They're devil dogs. Even worse.

Imagine what if bro, if no country for old men, Brolin didn't have a gun when he got out of the water. What do you think would have happened? Do you think he would have gotten arrested? Short movie, man. Yeah. Well, to defend the devil dogs, they were sort of a scout thing. do have their troops are

following pretty late behind, but they're flying monkey types. He's a sarcotic devil dog, but show what? Push the earth room. We cut to Willow in his home life. He's a farmer here in his town and

his kids find the baby basket. It bumps up on their shore here on the river. And it's like finding a dog. They're like, oh, daddy, can we keep the baby? And the Willow's just like, oh, but you're walking it. Because his response is, you're walking. I'm not having a Daniki shit in my house.

No, no, sir. Can we keep it to which Willow himself responds? No, we'll push it downstream and pretend we never saw it. That's the move, dude. Keep walking. But that's none of my business, says Willow. I think the kids are on to something. You raise a fucking Daniki, dude, in this village?

Suddenly, like, burgle butts getting his ass. absolutely you got the best crop yield this is a workhorse have I ever seen one excuse me are you harassing my small father this huge girl yeah yes I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm gonna murder you so he's bitch into Willow he's like oh you owe me all this money for these seeds I gave you or whatever and Willow's like oh well don't worry about I used magic to plant it and like if someone owes me money and then like part of their excuse has to do with like well magic was a part of it I'm kind of with burgle cut right here like I want to break your knees like that's you're full of shit that's annoying if there's just some like

it's confirmed there is some magic in the world but like yes like you got assholes all overworld being like it was magic yeah no it's like like it's not confirmed you don't have a class of it or anything you could just every once in a while be like oh that thing that you think I did no that was magic I would do the same thing though like that was it you know know, a scoundrel like I am back in the fantasy days, which were real. And I know there's magic around. I'm using it for everything. Magic ate my homework.

Exactly. It's the grand tradition of lying to your boss about whatever. Oh, sorry, I can't come in, magic. Right. I got turned into a toad. I'll see you on Monday. My butt's acting up again. See you later.

I do. Quick question about Briggle Cut. Really quick. Sure. Yes. Great looking dude. He's got the Hulk Hogan skullet. Yes.

Did he grow this out for the film, or was this burgle cut on a Saturday, the actor on a Saturday night? Because it was 88. This was kind of like going on a little bit. I would like to think that this actor had some dignity and he didn't actually have that hair cut. You know what I'll say? Maybe a nice little ponytail in the back, right? Oh, yes. A Saturday night ponytail.

He's going to the pub with that pony. I think Steve might be the only one who understands this reference. But if you got burgle cut in like a suit and tie and then. you tied that skullet into a ponytail, he would look like professional wrestling's Paul Heyman. Yes, he would. Oh, Paul Hayman's been brought up on this show. Oh, we know Paul.

Oh, has he? Oh, okay. I was, I couldn't remember. I think by Mark Northover RIP, but yes, I can't find a good picture of him on the, I think it's a, I think it's a butt. I think he's got like a butterball, look, I think it's all, all bald. Like, and that's just, they put it on for him. I just, I don't know, man.

out in the pub like that with the fucking skullet. You know what I mean? You wear like a Depeche Mode T-shirt, 88. That's pretty cool, man. It's pretty fucking cool. He's just getting laid left and right. I was just in Willow. I have one of the first cell phones to ever exist.

It's in a leather case? Yeah. Of course. Should I call you master or servant? You want to do some blow with me in the bathroom? It's from my Willow money. I have some good George Lucas stories. Come in the bathroom. I'll tell you, me, you can call me

Bergle Cut, it's not going to bother me. Oh, wow, he was also in hardware, by the way. Ooh, interesting movie. Yeah, yeah. Not really, but great film. Weird movie. Burger Kud is like, yeah, you know, they bring the kid back and like his wife Kaya is like, you know, she wants to keep

the kid. And, you know, Willow's upset because tomorrow is this big day as he calls it, you know, it's a big day. I'm going to be pointed at tomorrow. Yeah. I'm going to, hey, I got to play guess the fucking finger. in town, and that's after I do a magic show. Yeah, Daddy needs

his sleep because he's got a magic show right into Guess the Finger. It's going to be a huge day. It's like some village celebrate, like a festival that's happening, and Willow's gig is doing close-up sleight-of-hand magic.

I think what separates Bigger Girl Cut, obviously my favorite character, from Bif Tannen, is at the festival, he's having a good time. He's not making an ass out of himself. He's fucking three sheets to the wind. Like, he's laughing when you know, like he thinks that

when Willow's trick eventually fucks up but he's kind of enjoying it at first. Yeah, he was sort of impressed for like the log fire stick and then when the pig initially disappears he's like, whoa, maybe I got this guy pegged wrong, but then he's like, ah, that fucking idiot of course it was all. He's not a lost cause.

He's not a lot. Right. There's something to him. Look, you know, I mean, this is like a land with no god so i don't know if these these people have souls in this movie but like good point he's got a heart he's got a heartbeat he's got blood coursing through his veins like you see a magic trick fail and the magician falls on his face like you got to laugh with that i'm not going to hold that against him no definitely not you know he's on his 12th mug of meed or whatever absolutely if i've got no soul and there's no god i'm on my 13th mug of

Mead. That's what I've been doing, dude. 13 cups of meat at night. Ever since I stopped being a practicing Catholic. That is so much disgusting mead. Mead is so disgusting. I really do. But yeah, it's the big festival.

And it's, you know, credit to this movie, it's all little people actors. You know what I mean? We're not doing anything. Like, it's just... They're not, I mean, you couldn't do it at the time. But, I mean, I couldn't help but think about that deplorable fucking Snow White movie

movie where it's all just like computer little people or whatever was going on there. nasty absolutely grotesque I mean let's think too is they're just people they have their own society it is what it is you know what I mean like it fucking rules it sounds it sounds like the band is covering Paul Simon's Graceland

it sounds pretty good out there I gotta tell you I would be dancing great cast of little people do Tony Cox is in this movie he's there so Willow's other thing we've been joking about guess the finger but the whole thing is he is hoping that he will be selected to be

the apprentice of like the high priest of the village who does apparently control some kind of magic and if he becomes the apprentice he can really learn how to become a sorcerer like he really wants to you know leave all the farming behind just to live off the sorcery you know and uh he it is a guess the finger thing and like the first two the first two guys don't get it right then the third one it's willow and oops but he yeah he just doesn't get that right finger dude he knows their answer but he doesn't do it. We find this out later. He's got a kind of good relationship

with, does anybody remember the name of the head sorcerer? Oh, the elder here? No. Billy Barty is the actor. He's great. I think they call it. He's the high all-win. I'll be getting high all-win. Oh, dude, yeah. I was watching Willow at like 9 o'clock this morning and I had to resist, unfortunately.

Do you tell me Joe Allen's in this? Right. Yeah. And you know, I mean, just quickly, while we're in the actors, Pat Roach as Cale. Oh, yes, dude. You might know him as the Nazi that gets punched into the fan in Raiders. Gavin O'Hurleyhee, as Eric

spelled in a weird way, I love. Dude, I think, Eric, I got to say, man, this A-I-R-K, I think you've got to adopt that, dude. I think it's pretty badass. I think I'm switching, especially after they're going to name the sneaker after me, so I'll have to adopt you. But, yeah, these hopefuls all line up

and, you know, they all fail and whatever. I do love, like, well, there will be no apprentice this year because no one pulled my finger. Well, glad we had a huge festival about this. But I will fart for you. Here we go. Here come the devil dogs

and they are looking to rip a baby to part to pieces is what they're looking to do. I'm surprised that any of these poor Alwoods didn't fucking get got there should be, right? There should be a body count here. If one or two people get ripped up, suddenly it's like, this village needs to mobilize.

Absolutely. But it is great because they are, like, the devil dogs are running around to all these cribs, like sniffing them, like cradles and whatnot. And someone just goes, it was looking for someone's baby. But Willow runs home because when he hears someone scream that, he thinks about Kaya, runs home. Kaya's totally fine. But he's like, listen, we cannot keep this baby.

We got these fucking devil dogs coming into town causing trouble over it. We got to put this thing back in the river. I'm not getting killed over some Deneke piece of trash. No way. He just busts in the door and it's like, Kai, we have to kill the baby. We have to kill the baby right now.

The baby has got to go away right now. Let's get, do you have a boiling pot? We can just put it in the pot. Oh, right. Like a lobster, yeah. Let's just get rid of it. He runs back and Kaias flush the baby in the toilet.

What you do we need in that, Kaya? The FBI dogs were at the door. That's $40,000 worth a baby, you flushed. Just pure Daniki, uncut. And you invented. Flushing? Yeah, yeah, no, no bathing in this movie. That's your damn sure.

No, it's going in a pot. The shit is going in a pot. That's where it's going. It's a fun little scene when, like, I mean, this is our Gandalf, getting the fellowship together scene. Again, Mr. Lucas read that book in case you're wondering.

Maybe we'll just call him the village council instead. Hey, I don't know. Maybe, listen, that guy's dead anyway. So what's he going to do? I have a great idea for it. guys I know we got all excited Star Wars. I have the next great fantasy. Lord of the

babies. And it will be about a holy baby that you will have to chuck into a fire eventually. And one baby to rule them all. You chuck into the fire. George, how much money do you want right now? I do like the

bit where it's like, you know, Willow comes clean about the whole situation and the village elders, like well somebody's got to take this baby to the dikini and like just the first one you see just shove it at them can't be our problem do you have love for this

baby so you got to do it which is nice but this is like they're trying to figure out like who's going to lead the party or whatever and this is because of wanting to screw Willow's wife Burkut's like I nominate Willow he should definitely be gone for weeks at a time it's like the finders keepers

rule like he picked it out of the fucking river man he's got to go put it back in the Daniki store or whatever Hey, dude, I'll keep Kyle warm for you. No problem. Burkle cut. Okay, Bargott, you'll be the leader. Fuck.

Fuck. Yeah, I'll stay back here. I'll burgle some butt. Yeah, burgle cut. There's that joke like, oh, this guy's like the greatest warrior in the village. We can't have him go on the thing. He needs to be here to defend the village. But when Burgle Cut is assigned to go, he's like, this guy needs to come.

Of course. Foncar, yeah. Which is a bummer. They say he's the greatest warrior. I want to see this dude cut somebody's head off. You know what I mean? it's just a bunch of cowards. Like, as it turns out, Willow's the only

brave one in the village. There was a brief shot of all those guys, like, all these new will, whatever they're called. A stabbing those dogs. That's true. That's right. They do really, really make short work of these dogs. That's true. There's Phil Von DeCaro.

Fondacero is Von Kaur and Tony Cox. Them as like the bad asses. I would love to just watch them one or two scrapes. We covered a movie of his recently land of the dead. I think he was the guy to shoot, right? The love guy. I do like him. Oh, yeah. And then there's

who's it, me gosh, is like kind of your Samwise Gamji, like very much so. Like, he's like, I'm going with Willow because I believe in him when we're best friends. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. The only decent guy in the village that's not trying to fuck Kaya. Thank God for that.

While they're walking, like, dude, you know, Burkleka, let's fuck your wife. What? No, he doesn't. Yeah, no, he really does. That's the whole point. What's to fuck everyone's wife? I'm not the first. he's all talk no one's fucking anybody with that skullet did you see that guy that's why he's called burglecock but alwin is like hey you know trying to give willow some confidence here like you got what it takes let me ask you you seemed a little fuzzy when we were doing the pull my finger bit like

what did you really want to say and he was like i wanted to say that the real finger for magic is my own and he was like that's right you should always go with your first instinct willow you know remember that when we do the next one next year okay because i can't just not have a fucking protege exactly the apprentice the apprenticeship is dead for a whole year now willow thanks to you who else is going to learn to read bones around here it's true and also that's a good tip of the SATs too you're most likely your first instinct is the correct one is true it is true and don't be afraid to take that test multiple times absolutely no it happens uh nice uh nice Not for me. One and done.

Wow, look at you. We're a fucking genius over here. Nah, I just didn't really care. When you know you're going to a state art school, you're like, what the fuck? Who cares? Exactly. That was like when I failed trig twice and I went up to the guidance counselor and I was like, look, man, I'm going to college for fucking watching movies. Do I need to, do I need this math class to graduate? And he was like, no, you don't. And I was like, goodbye. That was the end of that. Also, Willow, because you had the right in. and I know you someday can be a true sorcerer. Here's some shitty

magic acorns that actually aren't going to really work in the movie at all. They do work. They work. They work. It's just that he the one time it works for real it's on something he doesn't need to work on. He drops it on a floorboard. It's cool. It's a cool

idea. I like seeing that established the stone floorboard. Ooh, what is this going to do later? It turns out nothing. The other one, it takes the most powerful witch in the world to make it not work. Yeah, she like kind of eats what it's supposed to do. Yeah. I mean, but that's like, it's, that's,

I don't know. I just want to see one person fucking turned to stone, all right? And this movie robs me of that twice. That's true. You know, A kale should have turned to stone. It'd be cool to see that guy's a statue. That'd be great. He would have made a good statue. Absolutely. So they're on their little journey. Yes, we cut back. Also, the queen is like, hey, the queen's daughter played by Joe and Wally is,

What's her name there? Sorcia. Sorcia. Sorcia. They wanted to be. I kept wanting it to say Searsha, but Sorcia, they got that OR in there. So Sorcia is like, I'm going to find it. And it's like, hey, bring this big Darth Vader looking motherfucker.

Oh, did I say that out loud? This guy that is big and scary and a cool mask is going to follow you, be your number two. And this other guy, like, who's got no job other than to say, you know your daughter's going to betray you one day. And she's like, no, she's not. Yes, dude. Stop saying that. This advisor or whatever, and she's like, excuse me, Peter.

I trust her more than I trust you, she says to this dude. Well, you know, I'm like one of the seers. I kind of wrote that scroll. I told you about the prophecy. Like, come on. I mean, it just makes sense of the third act. That's whatever.

You're good. You're good. It's fine. So we get some Lord of the Rings walk in and that brings us to the Crossroads. Our Intrepid party gets to the Crossroads. Love a good look right here. A little Skellington action.

when we get there. There's a skeleton like in one of these bird cages or whatever. And then they're like all right, we're going to set up camp here, wait for the dikini to come through. And this is where we meet the unfortunately late, but always great, Val Kilmer as Mad Mardigan, all one

word, which I just learned today. Yes. Yeah, weird. A little weird. He's in a crow's cage or what they call it, basically it's like he can't get out. He's thirsty for water. He's also got, I guess between this scene and when he goes to the brothel. He gets a teeth whitening procedure. Did anyone else notice this? It's explained in

world. Go ahead. It is. No, because there's a shot later where you literally see Mad Mardigan wiping his teeth like with a rag. Okay. All right. He brushes. He invented dentistry. Because he's looking like, say, hey, man, whatever you want me to fuck, man. I just need something. That was two months ago. Yeah, that was like, he had given up by now. No, he wants. that water. Water. And he's, give me some water,

you measly little pecks. I like the slur of pecks being throughout this movie. I think it adds flavor. It does. It's a made up one. That's what you want. You know what I mean? I want to make one up.

My favorite shot is when the host of our, the army goes by, this giant host goes by, right? All these troops and the one leading guy is just like, eh, out of my way, you little pecks. Yes.

He's got his hand up and he's going out of the way, Pecks. Well, originally in the script, I suggested they called him peckerwoods, but it didn't really go through. So pecks, it is. They said it made me sound like an old man using the peckerwood, as if I was obsessed with old things. Burgle Cut is like, listen, we said we would give it to the first dicini we see. This is the first one we see. That's it.

So what if he's in a cage and he's fucking reaching out at us like a criminal and insane asylum? He's like, well, I'm going to go home and fuck your wife. He's like, what's that? No, I'm just going to go home to your, to the land. make sure you're he even says it's a very telling phrase he's like listen willow while you're here no one is plowing your fields and i'm like i know exactly what we're talking about i know exactly what we're talking about wow i never really put that together wow and you know willow me burgle cut hates seeing an unplowed field something about it just makes me want to plow it as soon as i see

it i i have to be the first in line no no no i'm sorry when we're coming when we're going back i have to be the first one in the line. Everybody else has to be behind me. And remember, Willow is dead, okay? That's what he died. He got shot with an arrow. He's dead. He's never coming back.

So, Bergle Cuts really rolling the dice on Willow actually dying on the adventure. I was valiantly trying to save him, my new. And I had gotten over my bias that we all know about and was actually his friend now. No, shut up, Jerry. That's what happened. And this scene goes on a little long when they're debating. burglar cut, you know, I got to go or whatever. Who's going to be in the movie? This is what

we're arguing over who's going to be in the movie. Valcomer's very funny here. You know, burgle cut, don't let him talk to you that way. And then the whole exchange with the acorn. Don't. I'm really scared. There's a peck here with an acorn pointed at me. That's awesome. Yeah. I forgot how funny

he is in this movie. Yes. Oh, yeah. Well, he's just funny in general. I mean, that's the thing is like, the ability to have the range to do like real genius, heat, this, top gun Entourage

The doors Entourage all of these things Did he play himself on Entourage? No he played well No I think he's he's like a weed guy Really weird The first or second episode he's got a huge beard I just looked it up the weed Sherpa

Is one of that's yeah that's Oh wait the first or second episode Yeah it's very early on That I've seen it wow that's weird Yes it's in season one anyway They do and that I would which I've never, the Warwick Davis show with Ricky Chavez, which I've never watched.

There's a clip going around when Kilmer passed of like him and that and it's a very fun just do Warwick Davis Val Kilmerger. I think it's Life's Too Short or something is the name of the show or something like that. Yes. Yes. That's really, it's him having a sense of humor about Batman, which I think

is really great. Yeah, it's very funny. So, but look, you know, he's very funny in this. Eventually they leave and his friend there, Mee gosh, is the one that lets him out. Mee gosh is a guy that just falls right off the page. He leaves the movie and he is gone from the movie. It's a weird, like, I feel sorry for Mugash because he's like, cool, I'm going to be in the movie.

And then like the next morning, Willow's like, actually, you know what, Mugash, I don't think you should be in the movie. You should go home alone. The fucking party left the day before. They have like a night's head start on you or whatever. You go walk home alone now, Megosh. Bad call. I need someone to look after that field if you know what I mean

Don't want to plowed while I'm on this Right Just keep an eye out for the plowing I don't want you to do any plowing either I want that to be clear I think that's important to do And I also I will if you want to stay Let's just you know let's be fair

Can you sword fight? Yeah Oh you can't sword fight Okay well then I have to go with mad I'm sorry But Matt Martin's got you're not even an amateur Sorcer like I am So you bring nothing to the table Your friendship is bullshit.

Can you charm? Which, honestly, that's what photo should have said to say I'm at least 15? What is your friendship given me? Nothing. Yeah. What's your big fat friendship could have done for me lately? Oh, you say potatoes funny? That's not enough.

I'm sorry. So they see there's a big army coming their way. And again, Willow's very excited. Surely one of these people will take the baby. And this is Gavin O'Harelihy leading the army here is Eric. he's got a up this is what kind of stinks i want a little more about eric and mad martigan's fucking early days like what was going on there like clearly they're like rivals but also like respect each other and it's a little bit of like he gives them shit and then mad martigan gives

it right back kind of a deal apparently some whatever town they're from which again is very old defined has just been sacked by the queen uh or whatever and like they're going she's she is like mentioned doing that sort of towards the top of the movie and again because there's no maps and there's no real information story-wise in that scroll you have no idea what the fuck she's talking

about and then Gavinor Hurley he like mentions the same place and you're like all right so you were from there but I still don't know anything about that place and I think even Kale says that when he meets her when he meets the queen first he's like we just sacked wherever the fuck and she's like excellent there are some

cool mat paintings throughout this of like landscapes and things. How about one of, one of these cities burning or whatever? Yeah, just cut to some rubble. Yeah, last rubble, please. Piles of dead. Whatever you want to do. But yeah, she, he

or Kilber still in the cage here and he kind of leaves him. He's like, I always do you die in a crow's cage. And it's like, hey, I want to avenge our town that we're from. He's like, now you're bullshit. I'm going to leave you alone. Blah, blah, blah. He's got an awesome line though. Mad Mardigan says to Eric when he's leaving. He goes,

when I get out of here, I'm going to cut your head off and stick it on a pig pole. Oh, yeah. Pretty cool, pretty cool line here. So, me gosh, lets him out. Mad Mardigan is like, look, I want to take care of this baby. You know, you can't leave me here to die when all I want to do is protect this baby. And they basically leave them, right? It's kind of funny, like, the way this kind of goes back and forth, because Mad Mardigan has the baby.

Yes. And then here comes Rick Overton with on riding a hawk with the baby. baby like I stole the baby I'm like okay it's some bad editing here because yeah well actually that's what it is actually yes mad martigan is like willow go home and tend your crop go fuck your wife I know what's going on there as I I heard uh Mr. Butt earlier last night talking about it so he's gonna go home get a haircut and fuck your wife that's what I guess he's gonna go and they're all say you know like oh they're excited like we're gonna be heroes when we get home willow you know and then Willow's worrying like shit you know we gave that baby up to that

total stranger that was locked in a cage like a prisoner was that really a good idea and then it's like me gosh being like famous last words right he's like Willow there's nothing to worry about and then this this hawk flies in and yes the Drake from Seinfeld is like I stole the baby

and I just want to fucking jump in the ocean I like the idea of Brownies of really tiny people getting a Scottish fairy tale dude Is that right? Yeah yeah there's Scottish like fairies or imps or whatever. I think it's cool and it would be cool to see that maybe with

not being the fully comic relief, but what are you going to do? Well, the problem with comic relief is that it has to be funny and none of the shit's fucking, I mean, it's funny to like a fucking five year old I guess. It was funny to me when I was five years old. That's a thing. It works for kids. Like, I think that's, it doesn't do

anything to try to branch out from kids. It is just kids from the beginning to the end because otherwise, of course, I would love him just Willow just sitting there being like, oh, burger butt's gonna fuck my wife and just like worrying about that stuff but it's not it's not quite that

it's like let's get going to Hawk I'm imagining you know Willow comes back for some reason it's black and white it's on Pelham Parkway in the Bronx for some reason they're having pot burgergut and Willow having pasta you fuck my wife you fuck my wife hey you fuck my wife get out of here

what are you talking about what's funny with the brownies is like I remember liking it as a kid and then I rewatch this I think it was like a pandemic watch or something and I found it so abrasive and then watching it again today I eased up on it a little maybe because I knew what to expect again

probably like the start of it is kind of cool right here because they be sieged by a lot of them yes and it becomes like a Gulliver's Travels kind of a thing which is very you know funny in its own right when you're looking at the situation well that's neat because it's like yeah we're doing size stuff right

if like yes the Willow is very small, even for, he says even for it all when he's small, and now he's this giant compared to these people, you know, it's like that kind of a deal. But the problem is, I am shown at least 50 of these little fuckers attacking these guys with their little arrows and whatever, and these are

the two that we get sidled with for the rest of the adventure, the two most annoying guys in the tribe. Come on, Chandrilla or whatever your name is. Why not assign that tinkerbell to my case? I don't need brownies. No, exactly. Shandrilla tells them to stop. She's like, the

great fairy of God knows what. I mean, you know. Or Sherelyndra. I don't know. Shirlindria. It looks like, she looks like an an Enya music video. Hell yeah, dude. It's, she's glowing. Willow, you must sail away, sell away, sell away.

I could flow with that. Yeah, that would be nice. I mean, that's, I think that's like the most calming, like, part of this. It's just him being like, oh, can I do it, Chandraella, can I? She's like, yes, you can. Yes, you can throw... I mean, Willow.

I know, she's like building them up to do this quest. And she's like, actually, I talk to the baby. Yeah, don't you again, I talk to the baby. The baby likes you. The baby wants you to do it, all right? The baby looked at me. And that is the future queen of the world. I will tell you.

The future queen of the world thinks you're cool. Yes. We are told by Shirlendria that this baby is Elora Danin. We'll be taking over the kingdom of Tira's lean. Otherwise, and then it's like, he's still whining and say, okay, okay, how about this? You're the evil queen, yeah, you know her, yeah.

Well, she's going to, like, control your village and your children's lives if you don't do what the baby wants. Right, right. And I feel like this was where, like, because we're saying this a lot, and it's sort of like it becomes like the battle cry for the movie in a way, and I feel like a lot of real willow heads got this, like, tattooed somewhere, right?

Like, Elora Danon must survive. The Laura Dannon must survive. That's like the thing they keep fucking saying. I would be shocked if one person had that tattooed, but sure. You know, I'll go along. Look, there's heads out there for everything. There is. I would think one, but like, I honestly, you know what?

Listen, you're quested now, Chris and Steve, to find the one true willowhead at Comic-Con this year. Go through the entire convention center and find them. I'll be clear I'm not going to be doing that. But Burger Butt, if you have, I would. bet a burger butt tattoo somewhere does exist. Burger butt is definitely on somebody's bed. With real wispy, skullet hair

on the butt. That'd be great. If you could get it on the butt, that'd be great. I like the idea, like, I'll go, but I'm really worried about my wife. Bagel cut really, and it's like, I'll give him diarrhea for a week. He won't have sex with anyone. And if after that, you're still not arrived home, I'll make his little

tallywacker, not it hard. Well, in the meantime, could you, like, give him a sheepskin? I don't want to raise one of his kids. No, I'm sorry. I can only make it come out the back end like flat Coca-Cola. So he has been tasked to go to this other witch, a good witch that's in God knows where, I forget that the names are. The island, Finn Rizel on the island. That's where he's got to, he's got to take the baby there and she'll do something good for it. You know, that's the next step of the thing. She gives him a magic wand which is pretty cool I like the look at this nice man

it's neat yeah it's nice it looks like just a regular tree branch but obviously it's magic that's like it's good post last crusade it looks old it looks like a common thing it's not bedazzled it doesn't look like a bit it doesn't have but brands coming out of it

ah yes this is the wand of a shitty close up magician last crusade the year after this oh Jesus Christ really yeah but this is where the movie swaps out, right? So this is where he goes to Mee gosh. He's like, all right, Mee gosh, you head home alone, tell Kaya

I love her, make sure she's not getting dick by Burgle cut, uh-huh. And then we change out Megosh, who's a totally fine character for Frangin and Rule, our two little Brownie Explorers, the Drake's from Seinfeld and Kevin Powell. Look, they have their voice modulated, which is one thing. By the way, a lot

of Star Wars stuff going on. There's real Jawa noises when the brownies are... Oh, is that right? We got some Jawa tunes? Or not... Actually, I think it's EWalk noise. That's, I-I-H-I-A-N-Oh, right? Oh, yes. That's actually, Siskel and Ebert was also shitting on the brownies for being like the E-Wox.

Yes. I mean, there's a lot of-E-Warks are way better than the brownies. Oh, my God. Those guys were wrong all the time. But these, these accents, like, it's like French, but not really. It's like, I'm going to get you a bag of a guy like that. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, I said it earlier.

Kevin Pollock's doing sat right, sat-right, sarite, sat-sad-right. Like, just let it be Kevin Pollock, and you got his voice modulated. And it's still not good, but at least it's something. I mean, and like, just the littlest bit modulated. Because also, like, it's so high-pitched. Like, it's just obnoxious to listen to. And these guys are running their mouths a mile a minute. They have a lot of dialogue.

They have more dialogue than Burgle Cut. Well, I was going to say you should see him rule as an older character. I thought that was really abrasive on that TV show. But I realize you can't go see that. It's literally impossible. Who's ruling what now? Kevin Pollock and the Willow TV show is very abrasive And he's playing the character as an older fella

Oh, like he did in What was that? The whole 10 yards Where he's playing the fucking father of his character From the first one, Eap! Not great. To find the right Brownie,

they put five of them in a lineup And they have to all say, Hand me the baby, you cock sucker motherfucker. Each one of them. I would have loved Benicio Datoro as a brown idiot Hey, me the baby, your motherfucker, guys, oh, that would be better, right? If they were like, had like a weird, indistinguishable kind of,

almost a brogue, I know that's what that is. Oh, you're in the Fantasy Quest business? No, not anymore. You're in the getting fucked by us business. An elven, please? We could put you in the woods the night of the robbery there. Yeah, well, I fucking live in the woods. good job yeah real good detective work uh they seek seek shelter from a storm uh in uh this like rough tavern

and this is a great like it's just people getting wasted left and right there's one extra that looks exactly like tom savini yes yeah and this is very much the tavern that they fight ericord in in the first lord of the rings you know that's right uh fellowship uh i love when all the people see willow and they start menacing him like get out of here peasant you guys we're going to cook you and eat you. And I was like, is that, like, so are they, like, being scary or is that a thing that actually happens in this world? I think a little bit of both.

I would not have. They're probably just trying to scare them off, but I bet you some Danikis is eating some Nelwins. Backwoods, Deneke's, absolutely. Are you kidding me? Any day a Nelwyn is going to get served up on their table. It does seem like their village is, I mean, it's very shireesque. And I do think, like, never the twain shall meet.

these guys don't go outside the village very often. It's my guess. That makes sense. But yeah, they're all fucking and fighting and getting wasted. And this is where Kevin Pollock's got this magic love dust that he accidentally spills all over himself. And the whole thing is like, you put it on and then like

whoever you see first, you're in love with it. And he wants to fuck this cat for a little bit. He wants to fuck a cat for a little bit. That's a fun thing for the kids. This is some magic they got from the fairies. And it's maybe a step too far. I understand it instigates our love interest here, but you could have figured out a different way to

start that up. I do, yeah, I do like that they are lazy and one, in a couple of senses, but the one that I like the most, is Val Kilmer is fucking this guy's wife. And the guy comes in and he's a big brute and of course his name

is just lug. Double L UG. That's another note from George Lucas because that's, it's just as stupid. is a Star Wars name. That makes it. That makes it a different world. That makes it a different word. Now it's a name. No, no, no. No, no. Moron is a name. It has two ends. It's two ends at the end there. It's not

it's not, it's different. And this is the, you know, it's a fun 80s, you know, cross-dressing riff. He's doing the, hello, I'm a lady thing. Right. Dress as a woman before my husband comes home. Lug comes in. He's like, oh, your cousin. And he starts immediately grabbing Val Kilmer's breasts. That's the thing, whoever this lady is that he's fucking,

should have given him smaller, big old massive tits here. He's got two kickballs under there. So you're saying that they're too tempting, is what you're saying. You're married to Lug. Of course Lug is going to want the kickballs. Want a breed?

Oh yeah, dude. Want to breed. And again, this is, and I guess this is what, you know, some people said maybe this was also Siskel and Ebert, like the tonal,

balance of this movie because we keep saying it's a kid kids movie but like we're talking about murdering kids we're talking about breeding kind of a rape threat scene yes yes you got to grow up and you got to know that there are little Kevin Pollocks in the world there are bad things out there

Kilmer has a great line here because he says want to breed or whatever and he just goes tempting but no also this movie the second of two big movies in 1988 or 1988 to have a false door into a secret backroom

of a bar because Willow falls through a fake door and that's how he finds them. It's just like Roger Rabbit. Oh, nice. That's a good movie and we covered it on Patreon, but there's also a tonal thing with the scariness of that as well. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Scared the fuck out of me.

Still does. That was the second movie I saw. That was actually my first. and they here comes joy and wally she kind of feels like something who might be up with this Val Kilmer character like it basically turns into this like escape from the bar which is the fun wagon chase so yeah there's the the patrol comes yes and they're looking for the babies and everything and Lugg saves the day when he finds out Valcomer is not a woman

not a woman not a woman he goes apes shitty gentlemen meat lug yes and this enables them to escape. So thank you lug. It's so funny though, like, Sorsha pulls off the thing and she's like, you're no woman and I was like, oh, really? You were fooled? He looks like when the three stooges would dress up and drag. Of course that's not

a lady. He does have long, beautiful Separoth hair, this whole movie, which I appreciate. He's got some good hair in this movie, man. It's a big old wig. He's looking good. Seperoth, right? Remember that song? That was a banger. It was. So, yeah, Mad Martigan steals this

wagon and they peel out. I love this action scene. I love Mad Mardigan like relinquishing control of the horses to just fight this guy on the wagon. It's about 40 minutes and it's about time for this scene, FYI. Yep. Yep. You wake right up dude. And now that I think about it more, like no wonder I was a little four year old. I fucking fell asleep

in the movie immediately. Yeah, but this is a good little set piece. You know, they're on the wagon. There's these horsemen pursuing them. They're jumping on. Mad Mardigan's fighting them off. there's at one point there's a ninja star that gets thrown, I thought it was pretty sharp. I like, and I like Willow trying to get the reins of the horse, you know what I mean? Yeah. He falls down, like, he almost

eats shit, like he falls down on the, like, the harness, like, in between the horses. Yeah, that's scary. That's pretty awesome. That's scary for Daniki, not alone this guy. Right. I do think that it's, like, objection with Slicklandibert saying, like, the baby is a prop, but obviously, like, literally

more than half the time, it's a fucking American sniper baby doll. But, yeah, so exactly. But it's just, it's a McGuffin that happens to have a heartbeat, you know what I mean? But I would say that Willow, the Warwick Davies of it all, he does do like a good, like, he's very parental with it. He's always like, you can't have that kind of chase

with a baby, like he wants to get at milk. It's always a good actor. I think he's changing it. He is fantastic in this movie. He really is. I think it's such a shame that that sequel show got pulled down just because he's a good actor and he seldom gets to do it. If memory serves, I think like he loses his powers. I didn't really

care for a lot of the choices of that show, but I didn't finish it, so who the fuck knows? And now you never will. Nobody ever will. You know, honestly, part of the problem, I'm going to guess, is like, oh, we'll do a lot in season two. You never know when you're going to get season two, so you might as we'll get to it today.

Plan to not ever have a season two. Exactly. Never plan to have a sequel. Never announce a trilogy before you know if anyone gives a shit in the first place. That's why we will be going back to not announcing the next episode at the end of this. By the way, this chariot fight here

that we get our first Wilhelm scream. This is a Lucas film staple. Is this where he's, when he's playing chicken with the other carriage coming at them? That's right. Knocks the dude off. Yeah, it's awesome. But yeah, you never drive that fast with an infant. He's yelling or whatever. And then I also love when he goes,

they're talking about like they're bitching more to each other and he goes, you're 10 times bigger than I am stupid. He's really calling him out. It's really fun. They have really great chemistry. Two of them. They do. Yeah, they absolutely do. So Mad Mardigan agrees to take them to this lake. And

the edge of the lake is where Willow has to get in the boat and go to the island. Island, yes. I do really like there's in there fighting because, again, there is a lot of I don't want to do this. You do want to do this. He starts Kilmer starts to like the baby. So he wants, and he likes Willow, so he's going to do it.

Sticks. But he goes to the brownies. He's like, hey, I'm hungry. Go find me some eggs. Yes, yes. I don't know why. And then what? I mean, you fry them, I suppose. With what?

On what? We'll figure that out later. I think this dude, Mad Mardigan, is just popping raw eggs, dude. All right. Shell and all. The original protein shake. We do have a quick scene where Darth Vader contacts the emperor to tell him the search continues.

I mean, ah, kale contacts the queen. Let her now that the church continue. They have dispatched. with Hobeman. Oh, this was the one where I was like, oh, nothing really happens and like didn't notate the scene, except she fucking slaps him right across the face

which is wild. Like, I don't know, man. I'm not going to slap some huge dude in a skull mask. Ah, that sounds sexy to me. I was going to say, if my and Wally does that to me, I might just be, I'm a bit of all right. That might be dude. I'll take Gene Marsh, too. Yeah, please.

A lot, like, I think it's like three different trivia items on the Willow thing is that Gene Marsh and Val Kilmer died within like a couple weeks of each other. And it's like that's a sad coincidence but one would be fine. That's that trivia of the movie. You don't have to type that into IMDB with a smiley

face. I'm sure they hadn't talked in 30 years. You know what I mean? And nothing wrong with anything like that. But I'm pretty sure they hadn't talked in 30 years. You see a little bit. Here's another thing that slows this movie down quite a bit. I have to say we are stopping and making camp multiple times.

Oh yeah. And we make camp here really only so that Willow can be like, hey, Mad Mardigan, this baby's a princess. Also, what can I do with this wand? And he like accidentally transports himself up a tree. And that's the scene. And I'm like, we could kind of just keep going.

The wand works. That's kind of the whole thing for that scene. You know, you could save it for the troll. Like that's what the next time he really uses it, right? And it's surprising what happens there as well. So I think that would be more economic. By the way, we're not there yet, but I love the way the trolls move, how they go under the bridges. Oh, yeah. So they climb up over it.

They're like MC Escher-ing everything. It's nice. Yeah. We get to this island and we're looking for this. Oh, wait, sorry. Just another thing about Siskel and Ebert being wrong and Willow actually doing some more like parental kind of stuff with his baby. When they wake up the next morning, before they get to the lake, he's giving Mad Martigan shit for feeding the baby black. root, which is, I imagine chewing tobacco. Yeah, something like that. It's this kind of this funny, like, Mad Mardigan being like, well,

my parents gave us black root all the time growing up, and he's like, you never give a baby black root, you fucking moron. It's a cute moment, too, because Mad Mardigan is just like, you see what he did? He took our black root. Don't we'll get some more. We'll get some more. Wait, so did Roger and

Ebert Siskel didn't like that scene? They didn't mention that scene specifically. They thought that the baby was just, you know, like a McGowan. I was just saying it's another example of like the baby being brought in I was like it would be weird to just bring that scene up

and by the way to their credit to Raj's credit he said he starts his review of Willow saying that he currently has the flu while recording the episode oh yep well that affected it dude that's why you hated it and Gene's like thanks for coming to work Raj can't wait to fucking take a mute shit later

yeah totally awesome you're sitting three feet away from me in our tiny balcony set So glad that we agreed to our private bathroom and not separate ones. We get to the island where Finn Roselle the sorceress is, but she turns out to be some type of tree rat. What is this rodent? Like this little muskrat? That's cute.

Oh, here you go. You have to turn me back into my human form. Let's do it. That's what she's doing the entire movie. You have to plow my field to turn me back to my human form. I know it's weird because I'm a rat. You were maybe both of the brownies together. I don't know.

Do you think, like, Finn Razil, like, as this little muskrat was, like, getting down with some other, like, muskrats or whatever? I mean, you're on that island for so long, you know. Yes, you'll get curious. You'll get curious. Yeah. If I ever get transformed into anything, you're fucking. The first thing I'm doing is fucking. You're fucking all every animal you can find.

Exactly. Whatever is appropriate. But, like, you would still have. like your memories of being a human so you'd have a brain being like I'm fucking this cat you know so I don't think that would be as great as you think it might be I don't say it was to be great

I would just do it just to know why to do something yeah to be bored to experience another facet of the beautiful world we live in I thought you wouldn't do it and I think Steve's weird but sure what do you get changed back then you know now you got an attraction to

the animal as well I imagine right you because you have your memory as being a rat I just have a better experience for what this world is like, what it truly is. You're really trying to see how everything lives. You're going to open up the whole world. That apparently is some kind of possum I'm looking at. It was a possum? A common brush-tailed possum.

Oh, he's adorable. And it's a fun gag that we do a little bit here, which is like, oh, now, Willow, you have to do the spell, you'll do it right. And he tries to do it, and he turns her into the wrong thing. I think the first one's a crow, you know. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is mad Mardigan also, by the way, has completed his part of the deal. He's like, all right, I got you to the lake and I'm going to go.

And we don't see Val for this part of the movie when Willow goes to the island. When he comes back, Mad Mardigan is coming back captured by Sorsh and everybody, and he's got the, sorry about this peck line here. Right, so they're like, oh, you betrayed us, whatever. So they're all captured, including Finrazel, and they're all taken to this snow camp. I like the, I like the locations in this. this snow camp is great we see like a glacier cave later it looks this is great on location stuff yes oh yeah um but yeah so yeah after much more lord of the rings walking yes we're at this snow camp here uh and what is the thing oh it's this weird i don't think it's a crow yet i don't

think she because she fucking bites willow yes she's like oh didn't i mention that willow the spell needs three drops of your blood and he's like would have appreciated the heads up before a feral animal just bit by fucking hand lady also do you have rabies shit I don't know yeah exactly no one's invented the tetanus shot yet

sorry Willow you're going to get locked jaw so yeah this is the whole transform me back to my human self and I'll crush this army and he tries and she turns into like a crow I think yeah pretty much so got a bar A bird.

Some sort of blackbird. And then the brownies accidentally hit Mad Mardigan with their stupid love dust. And he's just like totally stoned for a while, like until he sees Sorsha there. And oh, he's all smitten thanks to that love dust. He's like sneaking into this tent to steal the baby and he spies her. And this gets creepy. Otherwise, I would not be attracted to Joanne Wally. Well, that's the weird thing.

The movie, they've been doing a more. amped up because she's a villain and he's a good guy a more up up laos solo deal they're just kind of like they're like flirt fighting a little bit she's like she kicks him in the face and he's like when they're riding

like he looks at her legs like I was staring at your legs what are you looking at my leg for is like I want to break it you know what I mean like yes in a sexual way exactly she threatens to cut his cock off earlier in the music into it is that a cock line though when he's like I still have what's important Oh, of course.

She goes, not for long. Now I'm just thinking about evil Princess Leia, Steve. Step on me, Leo. But I mean, and that's the thing you don't need to love, to Chris's point, like, you could do this without a silly love potion sprayed by Kevin fucking pollicable. Exactly. The brownies for crying out loud. But we need, I guess they want the levity, although I would argue even Matt Mardigan's got

plenty of levity. We don't need the parties to be so dominating. It's not, like, they say he's like. like a sword guy, like he really knows how to fight, but like most of the movie is him just being charming and like being like, and taking care of a baby. We do see some of that sword fighting here now while they're escaping here.

And it's good and it's fun. In the line of Lucas Comedy Relief, let's think about this there. You've got like Han Solo, who is coming really for a lot of that movie. Yeah. On one end. And then all the way at the other end is Jar Jar Binks.

And like you've got you got C3PO in between that lot, a lot closer to solo. but, you know, definitely further than on the Brinksian scale. And I do think that the brownies are so close to, you know what I mean? Like, he is getting closer to creating Jar Jar Binks every day at that point. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I kind of think the brownies are more annoying because there's two of them.

Yeah, sure. I think I'll take the brownies over Jar Jar, even though I kind of like Phantom Menace now. I think I like this movie better than Phantom Menace, though. That I will agree with. I'm sick of with Jar Jar on this one. I mean, this one, it feels like they made this just for the French for some reason. Like, it's just like, like, these little guys who are just like in these little accents being like, hello, I do not know what you want.

I will tell you, Chris, at least these are actual actors that are real life and real objects. It's not a CGI thing. It's not the light in the room, but it is life. It is. It's still distracting, but at least it's. It's light. I agree. I agree with that. Most of their composite stuff

is still like charming for having been made in 1988. There's some cool effects in here but like yeah, I'll take that over a little computer guy. They escape the camp and Mardigan kind of kidnaps

Sorcia here as a way to leave like if you you know you follow us, I'll cut her throat kind of a deal even though he still got the love potion he's trying to keep kale away and then this is like we go to that other camp where we find our Aric and his crew. Yes, but I'm sorry, Steve, we're skipping over one of the funniest

action sequences in the movie Extreme sledding. Oh, where they're escaping. And Mad Mardigan is like, all right, Willow, take the baby and sit on that fucking thing over there. There's a shield, I think. Yes, it's a shield. Let me spray this Clark Griswold spray on it.

Yeah, totally. And they go down this, and I only had to talk about it because it is hysterical. because again we've got like we're sending people down a hill we're sending actors down a hill on a sled and then we're sending stunt people down the mountain part that they're supposed to be going down on the snow

and when you get these wide shots and it's a Kilmer stunt double holding a Warwick Davis fucking puppet oh my god it is the funniest fucking thing it's got like no facial features whatsoever like it looks like someone put like a clean version of like the Roershack mask over his face it is a wide

Wark Davis did to do a Tom Cruise do his own stunt man No no guys just a wizard did it Okay oh I see there we go There's magic there we go Because also you get Mad Mardigan comes in after that like the fucking puppet Flies into this village

On a sled it's amazing And then Mad Mardigan is rolled up In a huge snowball that's coming down the hill And also the fighting here is actually really good This is when you really see Kilmer with the sword He finally gets a good sword And what you recall it, even Willow's like, wow, you, because he says he's the best sorts of it in the world. And Willow finally believes, wow, you are amazing kind of a thing.

And then that's the sled bit. It's borderline, like a naked gun joke when you see the snowball coming out. Yes, it is. Because it's very big. It's a cylindrical snowball, which is very weird. It's weird looking, but all we can get. It breaks into the house there and it, you know, Mad Martin falls out of it. Then we get them hiding in this cellar.

Yes. Yeah, doing a little cellar hiding here. Of course, this fucking baby starts crying. This is a good. Raziel comes in, cawing to, like, cover up the baby sounds so sorts you can't hear it. Kill it. Kill it. Then Christoph Waltz comes in.

No, yes, of course. Gives a very intimidating monologue in the kitchen. Puts a cigarette out on some strudel and then leaves. it looked good but this is where like Eric is like hey Willow like Mad Mardigan's a piece of shit dude he doesn't care about you he says he's not going to help you

pick and then this is where mad Mardigan is like I serve the Nellwin Eric you know like he's like giving himself over to helping Willow and whatever and they escape with Sorsha here and these oh Eric and his men attack the

the Bav Morda's fucking soldiers so they can escape a lot of A lot of good bloodless arrows to the heart, which I always appreciate. Yep, absolutely. Completely bloodless movie, which is fine. I will take an arrow to the heart without blood versus no arrow at it at all. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. No, arrows penetrating chests, regardless of blood is awesome. You even get little arrows. The brownies got their arrows, too. It's very annoying, it looks like. What's very important, actually, at this point, when they go down the sled, the brownies like, where did everyone go? And I'm like, oh, my God, are they out of the movie?

Oh, do they get left behind? someone step on them step on them please they have social like as they're hostage as they're riding down the road here and i love she's like you know you're holding me too tight and he's like you know i don't want you to go anywhere get your hair out of my face or i'll chop it off and she kind of escapes right here and like mad martigan tries to run her down there's a bit of a scuffle he falls down do you guys catch this she stomps right on his balls yeah just a rick hogan boot right to mad martigan's ball sack right here it's pretty awesome gonna have to get right to the bedroom after that one.

You know, when I was writing the Han and Leia stuff, there was a couple of ball smashes, but you know, Irvin Kushner was like, can't have it. George can't do it. I was like, I don't want to watch any movie that doesn't have balls stomping in it, to be honest with you.

Remember that iconic line? I smashed your balls. I know. Hand me the hydroclomp her at you fucking steps on us nuts. But, yeah, Rayziel's like, hey, Kail and everybody's coming, we better shag ass. And Sorsha, yeah, they leave her behind as they ride off again. They finally go to the village that they've been going to, which they thought they would

fight a benevolent king and queen. Yeah. But everyone is turned into stone. And I'm like, what's that story? Hey, what's that story? Why couldn't I see that? They said, the evil queen did this somewhere. I don't know, when?

Yeah. Yeah, they did it. But, like, the funny thing is, we have the. this huge fight here and whatever like those people aren't removed from the rocks as far as I understand it they're all still frozen and the whole movie goes on they're never

unstuck you know which kind of points points to this movie for that haunting a good haunting you're dead forever sorry he is Willow is trying to undo his spell to spell to Raziel yet again here he turns it into I don't even know what

it's a baby goat a god horrible yeah kill about is a great line is what they Happen to you. But then this is the, you know, Kalesmen attack. We got the big scene here. Willows told to ready the catapult, which is great. I love these dudes. This army very resourceful.

They're like, look, man, we need a battering ram. Let's go quickly. They fell a tree here. Make this battering ram like tooth sweet. I was pretty impressed. This is when we see the, I almost called the Borks, L.O.L. Trolls. We're going to call them trolls, you understand.

Very different. Mad Mardigan knows that there's trolls. of foot because he steps in shit and he's like troll shit oh I hate trolls and I was like man how many times have you stepped in troll shit that you know it by sight and at least that you got to be really bad because these are big these are big animals they are yes I don't know it's sort of like basically the orcs but at least they lean into the whole troll thing they're walking under the bridge yeah the behavior stuff is where it'd be interesting like because can we get maybe we could get a shot of the troll taking a shit and much like a dog

When it sees someone who makes eye contact with it while it's taking its shit. Right. Like when the Wampa sees Luke hanging upside down, I imagine it would be better seen if he was taking a shit. Just two eyes, two Val Kilmer, taking a shit as the troll is like, I'm going to get you. I'm going to get the baby too. And then all of a sudden, Rob Botton from the thing comes in and does this fucking special effect.

Dude, oh my God, Willow shoots this troll with the wand there. and it like melts down into a red blob puddle thing It turns into a big sack of fur And then that flesh gets ripped off Is that what happened? Yes, and it's like a brain puddle thing Yeah, so it's sort of we do have blood But it's troll blood

Great stuff here throughout Phil Tippett also worked on this movie Oh really? That's a Tippett had to have done This disgusting moment right here I fucking saw that movie Mad God is what you're talking about Yes. Yeah. I watch those little guys eat that fat guy's shit or whatever happened. It's like, oh wait, there's like an autopsy now in this movie. All right. Anyway, it's fine. If you let's agree. I'm not, I'm not too hot on it either. I'm kind of on Andrew's side, but I see the skill and craft there. Oh, yeah. No, definitely. But like, ah, that imagery. Anyway, doesn't matter. But Willow, like you would do in the situation, looks and goes, well, that's horrifying and kicks it off the bridge into the water.

And how is he supposed to know that this is a gremlin thing? Where if you put it in the water and it grows into a goddamn Siskel and Ebert. Really? This thing is breathing fire and eating people. This thing looks cool. And it's definitely it feels like a fantasy medieval kind of monster. But it's sort of a design that I haven't seen before. No, no, totally not.

It's closer to a dragon than not. But again, it's not exactly. The creatures have moron chin. Yes. It's a chin that makes you look stupid. The gobblers, you mean? Yeah, well, I mean, I guess that's what you would come. But it's up to the lip.

It's not just a neck thing. It's a full thing there. And, like, that is really what's unique about it. I haven't seen that in any other goddamn monster in my life. There's this hilarious moment here. Now, Mad Martigan's now dressed up in armor. He's got all the, he raided the armor. He's got new crossbows and whatnot.

Him finding the armory is awesome. He walks through the door and he's like, oh, Christmas Day. He pulls out his sword as this army comes in and they get scared and run away. This is very Han Solo moment, right? And he thinks it's him, but it turns out there's something behind him. And then when he runs out and he's with all the bad guys army and they're just like the same for a moment, I thought was very funny. Yes, it's a cool moment. And then it's like, well, no, we will still try to kill you, Mad Mardigan.

I do. I do like Kale, great manager here, because like the situation has changed. a huge monster. He goes, kill the beast, steal the baby. Like, all right, all right, we've got, it's okay. We can do two things at once. You guys kill the beat. You guys get the, we're still getting the baby. That is not changed. Baby is number one still. Baby is still the number one, but the beast must be slayed as well. This is where we get the acorn drop from Willow because he's confronted by another troll here. And that troll is conveniently eaten by the monster who used to be a troll. He gets rich, he gets shift. Yes.

There's a shiffening here. It's awesome. And then Mad Mardigan, like, kicks another one off the bridge. It also gets eaten. Willow getting in on the action here. Willow definitely impales a dude with a sword. And you see him look like, so that's what it's like to take a life. Oh, my God.

I kind of liked it. Oh, my God. He's got a look of like, well, that wasn't so bad. Mad Mardigan is, like, going around. It's like, where did Willow go? Where the fuck did Willow go? And they goes up to the top. He just sees Willow eating a body.

What the fuck? my god you should have no that's not what you're supposed to do i didn't realize taking a life was so easy and delicious now i know how to fight burglebutt when i go home he just goes back home like years past just smoking in bed and kai's just he's just looking off this i really enjoyed killing that one man i know i know it's just i think about it every night every night i think about killing that man i know you uh you talk in your sleep and it's terrifying uh but yes this is a also very important Shorcia here watches Mad Mardigan be very brave

with the beast he puts his fucking sword through one of their mouths he jumps on top of it yes and she is like getting it's a fucking waterfall right now watch out be heroic no do go chasing waterfalls Val Kilmer do do that right he stabs it through the head and then

he jumps down and then you know that's where she picks him up and they make out also Chris you you were pointing out their funky chins that this monster has I think in that chin is like really unstable chemicals Because when he gets stabbed through the back of the head Through the chin

The fucking chin you see it like ignite and the head blows off It's a really awesome thing Full of gasoline, your whole chin But she is now fully on the side of the good guys Because you know this dude's hot Which makes total sense Obviously I wouldn't join anything for you know Your mother is evil and wants to kill a baby

yeah it's a hot guy here please so they all race to Bav Morda's castle there and like Kale and everybody get right back in before they can get there and Eric and everyone sort of arrived behind and Eric in this moment is like we will strike

at first light I know this isn't my fight but now I'm organizing it we assault that first light god damn it well you got a cool beard with little braids in it you could say that yeah you know what I mean we did a whole thing today I know the ritual might be happening right now, but

let's take a break, come on. Bev Morda comes out and sort of talks shit from her high tower here, she's like, you are no army. You're not warriors, you're just pigs. And boy, I forgot about this part. Yes. People just turn it into

pig people. I will never forget about this, but the monster and these pig transformations burned into my mind. It's so horrific. I mean, look, first you see your friend Val Kilmer, oh, he's the fun one. He's got these pig tusks for a second. Oh, dude.

And then there's just some like half half pig shit that is just I again, I saw this as a 41 year old man for the first time and I was like that ain't cool. That ain't all right. It's kind of funny as she's turning them all into pigs. All of her like warriors up on the tower all just like

pigs, pigs, pigs. They're just chanting pig. And she even turns her daughter into a pig because it's like, mother, you mustn't do this. And she's like, I saved the biggest pig for last. And then in the tent, Willow finally gets the shit together and turns the Good Witch into the Good Witch.

Well, because everybody shut the fuck up. Everybody was interrupting him every last time he was trying to do it. Finally, everybody's a fucking pig. He doesn't have to worry about it. He also successfully does a protection spell on himself, so he avoids turning into the other things first, which is pretty smart. But it takes a little bit to get that. there though because she turns

into an ostrich and then a peacock and then a turtle and then a tiger and then finally her final form a naked old lady from the shining you want me to turn you back to a tiger maybe I don't know these pigs out here are looking pretty sharp lady

it's one of those things we're like because she's just yapping the entire oh well I what are you doing shut the fuck up lady and I do it okay be quiet exactly Yes. She is a backseat driver. She's like, now remember to say the spell this way. I know the spell. I know it. The turns coming up. Okay. I know. Do you have enough cash to get back? Oh, damn it. Don't forget the signal. Look out for that other sorcerer. He's right on the side there. You're going to hit him. You're so close to be staying as a turtle. You're like this fucking close, I swear, lady. It's fucking horrifying, though, because back at the island, if you'll remember, call she's like in actuality

I'm a beautiful young woman and then she turns back into herself and she's looking at these old hands and she just goes like how long has it been and Willow's like I don't know what do you want me to do about it I don't know we don't know nobody knows come on this is what you need Sylvester Stallone to be like

it's 1985 so much time is past but she's like hey let me get some clothes on then I'm going to turn all these guys back into humans. One at a time. Yeah, right. Okay, thank you. One at a time, right? Like, we're getting like, all right, bring in

the first pig. I was like, there's no like mass net you can cast out spell-wise that fixes this. I'm still getting it back. Okay, let's start with that Eragorn fella. Eric, Eric, please. Yeah, it's Eric Gorn.

Gorn's my last name. She takes this fucking wand immediately. Thanks for keeping it Warm for me, Willow. Oh, yeah. Well, you don't want that dude anywhere near it again, man. But so, yeah, she turns it all in. Willow, they're like, oh, you know, there's too many of them.

How are we going to do this? Willow comes up with the plan about how to sneak into the castle. Meanwhile, Babmorta, getting ready for this ritual. Oh, dude. She is covering herself in baby's blood like she's some rich tech billionaire. Hell yeah. It is the craziest shot. She's like, like washing herself in blood.

It's insane. Finally, some truth in cinema. but Willow's whole thing like they busts his balls but he's like oh I think I have an idea from it relates to how I farm back home which is funny and the plan is

Willow and she just stand out there and it looks like everyone else is gone right and then all the dudes rise up out of the holes yeah because you mentioned it was about gophers or something and for a second I was like was there a moment where he's like now we just tunnel under the castle and they're like Willow that'll take us like fucking

months. How about we just hide in the dirt? He takes out a boom buck. And it's just like, wait for it. Wait for it. I'm all right. Don't got to worry about Willow. Everybody's like, what is that song?

It's so catchy. Oh, they've got us. Oh, no. But all the Kenny Loggins spell. Oh. But it's great. They're able to breach the castle doors because these jerks just left the door open while they were like racing out

to fight Willow and this old lady here. So they, you know, get in, the big, the big final fight, the castle courtyard starts happening here. Well, when they, when the men that came out to fight them retreat back to the castle, we get our second Wilhelm scream. Yes.

It starts raining because it's a big ending. Oh, yeah. It's just super fun. And, you know, I like Alrick here pouring like hot oil on all these dudes. Love that. That's an awesome moment. I needed some more screaming there, though, because it is clearly hot oil. You want them, like, shivering

on the ground, like, my God, it fucking hurts. I'll never be whole again. Imagine that. Those guys were the, that was their own oil. Like, I was just boiling that shit. God damn it. A chorus. The irony. A chorus of hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Oh, I should have worn thick of pants. It's all off of my fucking balls. Oh, shit. Oh, God. They're balls. no more. They have disintegrated. Thanks a lot. Then we get Finn Rizel and Willow going up into the castle to stop the ritual. A source is there too. She gets called a traitor child.

I won't let you kill that child, mother. And now a Yayaqa fight of old ladies, which we... Yeah. Cinema's greatest old lady fight. Dude, this rocks. Do you think it's just going to be magic shit, but then eventually these broads just start punching each other in the face? Exactly. It's a thobber knock. It really is. They go for the fist. It devolves pretty

quickly from, yeah, what you think is this going to be a magic fight. No, sir. Willow, get the tables. Willow cast glass jaw on this bitch. Oh my God, that's an uppercut. Oh, my God, that's an uppercut. She is down. Willow, I'll distract her.

You have to climb the ladder and get the baby belt. Oh, somebody forgot to put the fucking Barb wire up. God damn it. My God, Foff Martis has hit her with baby blood. She ain't going to see again ever again. Where did, at the, I don't know, at the end, it looks like Wolverine got this lady. When does her face get cut in such a way, did it?

Anyone else notice it's like, which lady are you talking about? I'm talking about the good one, Riziel. Oh, well, she's getting thrown all over the room, dude. But at the end, she's got these vertical scars down her face, like, it's really something. Kruger got her, maybe. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's a pretty awesome fight. In between the old lady fight, by the way, Eric is killed by Kale.

Yes, and which causes Mad Bartigan to want revenge. Yes. They have a great fight. He hits his skull mask and breaks a little bit, which is cool. Yes, it fucking kind of kicks ass. Right, and then he eventually, like, he's basically killed him, but then he also, like, lowers him onto his own sword. Yes.

then heaves him off a bridge, which is great. It's really something. The way that this guy gets impaled. Quality kill, dude. Quality kill. Willow is now the, Willow's fighting the fucking furniture. This is a thing that's kind of stupid. In terms of to do an ATST all of a sudden.

Yeah. It's a bad fucking Harry Potter thing right here. There's a skeleton in it. I saw it. There's like the bones coming out from under it. I'm like, is there a skeleton in it trying to get out? I think it was like, you know, the predator. there's always like boiling skulls and shit to put on the wall. I think that's what she

was like boiling a skeleton for like trophy room purposes. I get there are like piles of skulls all over in front of her castle. That's like she's got a lot of boiling to do. That was probably another you know what? She's got all this baby but she was boiling a baby to get all the skin off. That is a baby

skeleton trying to take its revenge and that would have been great. How about just like three baby skeletons jump out and start going all up Willow? You're like going up under his pants and stuff. Oh, sure. Trying to bite him. Yeah.

That'd be bad. Yeah. Oh, no, Mad Mardigan. It's the skeleton league. Finally. That's right, Willow. We are just baby skeleton leagues for now, but one day we'll, well, I guess we won't grow up. We'll always be this small.

Of course they have a junior league. You don't think we have, we are many and number, the baby skeletons of this world. If you think about it, there's probably more baby skeletons on planet than adult skeletons. The peewee skeleton league. Peweees. We go to town to town playing baseball poorly.

This is where Willow is like, oh, I'm Willow Uffgood and I'm this great wizard. Here's this acorn bitch. It just doesn't work. No, it's clear. It works. It turns out of her. Guys, I understand. I want the old bitch to turn.

turned to his statue and then after that if she's still so powerful, she can break out of the stone, all right? But I need this lady to turn into stone. Well, you know, I agree, but like, so her hand goes to stone and then she shakes it off and like, the acorn becomes dust. I thought the dust part was

pretty sharp. Or, to your point Andrew, what if she gets it, she turns to stone and it breaks open? And now it's just Kevin Nash and a wig and he's super Bavorda? Oh, yes, dude. Hell yeah, this acorn has mutated me in the Super Bamborna!

Oh no! Oh shit, Willow 2, the secret of the acorn. Go Willow, go Willow, go. Go, Willow, go. Go, Willow, go. Oh, the Newlin rap. Oh, dude. Newlin is born. Newlin. Rapp. Newlin, Newlin, new Lynn, rap. Oh, now Vanilla Ice is going to try to sue us. But this is, I mean, she laughs at him

And it's like, you're a little piece of shit And he's like, uh, uh, ah, and he does this thing And I'm gonna send the baby to a realm You can't, no evil can touch it. And this is a very nice screenwriting thing Because of the first scene you see him do this bad magic trick Where the pig disappears. Yep.

And the baby is gone. And she's like, no! Yes, I like that a regular magician has potential to foil a sorceress. I like that. But she can't smell the baby, which is weird. I would think this lady would be able to smell babies. One problem is like

that whole room stinks a baby. That's a fair point, Eric. That's a fair point. Uh, Bev Morden knocks over a fucking cauldron or something. She like winds up completing the ritual on herself and turns into red mist and just vanishes. Yeah, she gets

doused in baby blood by accident and it's like, oh no! And that's it. Yeah. Oh, she's also like struck by lightning. That's also like what instigates part of it. I think it was like oblivion, like non-existence. or something. Yeah, because he was supposed to put,

you were supposed to put the garlic in before the ginger and then the other one. You switch those things, it's just, it's all docked off. Easy. Everybody does it. Red mist, you just turn into, like,

like it looks like scarves. Like, I don't quite get this, the thought behind this, but okay. Well, I think they didn't want to go so horrific Indiana Jones with it,

which I kind of would have preferred. Yeah, if she's like, a skeleton. Why can't it does? It seems. anti-climatic, but at the same time, I do like the look of the red

mist stuff, but it should have been set up better or more dramatically. This movie is for younger kids, for sure. That's important to realize, you know? Kids love skeletons. Yeah, kids do like skeletons, true. So Mad Mardigan runs in there,

kisses Sorsha, because he's all excited, she lived through this, and then they're like, oh, where's the baby, and Willow comes out? And he's like, it was just my old disappearing pig trick. It worked this time. Yeah, it worked this time. So I gleaned that this is the next day.

It's kind of funny because it's one of those things where this is like, it's fantasy, like pseudo-medieval kind of vibes. But in this next scene, it looks like everyone's had an amazing shower. Oh, sure. Yeah. There's clean clothes. Everybody's conditioned their hair. Andrew, a wizard did it.

Oh. If she could turn something to pig, she could give them a good clean in a power wash. Yeah. And she gives, Razeel gives Willow a book of spells. She's like, hey, you're a great sorcerer. Go home. Make sure that guy isn't fucking your wife.

That's, I keep hearing. I don't know. I don't know. There's some spells you'll find in the back there if you do go home and that bald fucker is screwing your wife. If you want to turn him into a Siskel and Ebert, what you want to do is go to the fifth page

and then you just throw him in water. It's easy. I guess Sorsha and Mad Mardigan are just raising this baby. Yeah. that's like yeah that's that's what's going on here uh willow very nice moment shakes hands with mad martigan uh and he it's awesome because these two scenes are bookended by a hero's like goodbye yeah and a hero's welcome back at the village because everybody at the castle gives him a goodbye and then he gets there and everybody's like hey it's willow and they all welcome him back

hey motherfuckers like you're you're locked in here with me not the other way around He turns an apple into a bird See, I got magic now, motherfuck Not only does he turn that apple into a bird That bird then flies up in the sky And shits in a burgle cut's mouth Oh dude, it is an enormous shit This bird

I'm gonna, not only am I going to make this apple Into a bird It's a bird that's eaten Taco Bell for four days And hasn't taken a shit yet What is Taco Bell? It's from an evil nether realm Yeah, yeah, that's for sure I don't think we mentioned burgle cut getting puked on by the baby.

Oh, that was a good, good moment. He gets his. Me gosh, we learned, got back safely, even though he had to walk back by himself. Thanks for nothing, Willow. And the high priest is thrilled. He's back, of course. Kaya and the family, you know, the kids run out. Everybody is reunited.

Well, the kids come first and then he sees the wife. It's a very nice. Kaya, they kind of go together. Yeah, he pushes the kids down. Get the back out of the way. Dad's getting, you're going to have to say in your aunt's house tonight, because I'm going to be plowing the fields. All right, kids, really quickly now, before you go off to your aunt's house, let me ask you something. Was Uncle Burger cult coming over when your daddy was away?

Oh, he was, was it? Kaya. And what, she kicked him into balls. Oh, that's good. That's so good to hear. And then, like, it ends with some rock and music, not unlike tunes you'd find in an Ewark Village. Yes. Uh-huh, you don't say.

Uh, but yeah, this was the only part I remembered from being four years old watching it for the first time is this big hero's welcome. And I think it's great. Like, he's a fucking, he's a true hero, man. Like, he's not a full of shit guy. This Willow is just a straight up, legit hero. Yeah. And he's welcome back appropriately. He finishes that battle five hours later he's back home.

And ready to be showered with praise. Well, yeah. I mean, that's, it's back to Eric's thing, though. That's why we need a map. Like, how long is it between. the heroes thank you goodbye at the castle and the heroes welcome at the village. Like, is that another month? Was that a few hours?

Is it like me driving over the bridge to Jersey? Like, what are we talking about? Secondary question, if you can turn birds into apples, can you turn apples into birds? Ooh, and what is better? Do you want that bird meat or do you want that apple meat? Yeah, if you're on the road, you're hungry for an apple. You're just going to, hey, you're a pretty bird apple. Oh, yeah, totally.

Listen, you don't want to be just eating a raw bird. no that's disgusting you'll kill yourself you gotta get a cooking spell yeah fire uh but that thankfully is the end of the movie i don't know how they could have gone more than two hours and six minutes it's shocking that it is two hours and six minutes it should not have been uh we'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts and recommendations uh mr ciska yeah no it's a full throat to recommend for me but that's you know that might be nostalgia but i do think it has fun with these fantasy tropes i know you've seen them to death but But have you seen him with Val Kilmer?

Now you can. It's a charming little movie. And I really appreciate that Warwick Davis gets to play a hero and not some type of goblin monster. And I think he's great at it. And it's a shame he didn't get to do it as often because he clearly could deliver the goods there. So, yeah, no, it's a total recommend for me. And I understand, yes, it is a little too long and overwrought. And the criticisms of it are valid.

but again, I grew up with this one. Yeah, Chris Cabin. I mean, I think it's a good movie. Like, I, it's a recommend. It's a, it's a three-star movie for me. It's exactly what it builds itself for. It's a, a kid's movie. It's a fantasy.

It should be a little shorter. That's fine. I know that you want to have the kids entertained for longer. That's good. I understand that. But, you know, everything it's supposed to be doing, it's doing well. It's just not doing the other stuff. And I wish it, you know, you always wish it was doing the other stuff, but it's not.

and it moves quick I wasn't bored for much of this I mean there are some scenes where I'm like this is taking longer than it did but the cast is so good and that is what really sells these lower tier fantasy movies you have a good cast you win out

and this has a really good cast so I was fine the whole time wasn't that bored good FX none to complain about really there you go Steve Saneck yeah my first time threw in my 40s so not exactly for me you know

it's a light recommend I enjoyed it I definitely love to see work Davis just doing it up Kilmer they have great chemistry the whole cast is super fun again I just need the menace to be a little more defined

and then I'm having a much better time and of course the Kevin Pollock of it all I can't forgive but you know all all things considered it's a light recommend because it's kind of fun also Ron Howard just doesn't

I think a different director a better director makes us a better movie FYI it's competent because it's just the baseline Howard of it all. You could definitely get worse, but you certainly could also get better, F-W-A. Yes, that's the charm.

Yeah, no, it's a recommend for me. I think this is a thing like, you know, if you're our age and you have kids looking to get into, like, fantasy and stuff, if you haven't shown them this yet, you totally can. I don't think there's anything about it that's spooky, scary or, you know, whatever.

You can totally do that. I think it's a great showcase for Kilmer. This was, like, him stepping out of, like we said, you know, the real genius and the top secret. of it all, or at least the top secret of it. Had Real Genius come out at this point too? Yeah, I think it was a few

years before. They both did. But, I mean, like, the dude just had, like, such range, and this is cool seeing him do action, swashbuckly kind of stuff, which is great. Davis is great, you know. Yeah, it is awesome that he's not under a bunch of fucking makeup and whatever

else. I think actually his buddy, Kenny Baker might be in some more... Kenny Baker's in this movie in something, and I think he's under some... some makeup. But yeah, Warwick, you know, he's the man, dude. And this is a great thing because it's, yeah, it's not, you know, Harry Potter. It's not Star Wars. It's not fucking leprechaun. It's just him like being himself acting. And he was a total fucking believable action hero. But yeah, the Howard of it all. He's just, he's a journeyman dude who I am of

the opinion. He's missed more than he's hit. But when he hits, it's a hit. And this is just kind of like a nice single that he batted. But that is going to do it for this episode on Willow. As always, if you want more WeA. Movies, check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash We8 Movies where you can get this very Willow episode, completely

commercial free over there. Oh, yeah. Along with things like our We Love Movies show, which this month in June, we're doing We Love Movies that's not part of the totally cool awesome 80s curatorial vibe, but it's a great movie all the same. we're talking about 28 days later,

the Danny Boyle Horror Masterpiece. Yes, in the lead up to 28 years later. We also did... Please be good, please be good, please be good. We got an animation damnation on the Superman, the animated series. That is right. A couple first-timers club here,

certainly not my first time, but it's... I love that show. We don't have a lot of fun on that episode. Yes, enough. It's us talking about... It's the first appearance of Mr. Mixelplink, voiced by our good buddy, Gilbert Godfried. Mm-hmm. And on the Gleepe...

glossary. We'll be talking about our thoughts in general on Andor 2. Andor season 2, we're just going to have an episode where we're just talking about the show. Because I felt like we did season one with Mon Mothman. That was kind of very long and bloated. It's nice just to focus on this show. So we'll be just talking about and or season 2 on the Patreon. I am currently trying to catch up on this as quick as I can two for that episode. I am excited. I am excited about it. You should be. I've been done for a while and it fucking rules. I'm looking forward to it. We're also got once in a lifetime this month. We're doing a killer contractor,

I believe. That's right. One of the best of the lifetime movies we've gone so far. And we had a really great time talking about it too. If you're looking for that, as far as we know, it is still on the lifetime YouTube channel. Totally gratis. So check that out. And also, I mean, And folks, this is a month that you want to be on the Patreon because you're missing a ton of stuff without that. We also, of course, are doing our Nexus show, the Star Trek Recap show. But also, this is the end of another quarter, which means it's time for another commentary. That's right.

The John Wick Tumintary is coming out at the end of the month. We had a lot of fun talking over that first one. And then unfortunately, Lance Reddick died a few days before it came out. So hopefully we can steer clear of that with the Tumentary. Let's keep everyone healthy. It's going to be a lot of fun talking over Keanu kicking some ass. And then, like we say here every week, if you're new to the show, look, every Tuesday, there is a new We Hate Movies episode dropping in your feed, either the free feed,

which has commercials or the Patreon feed without commercials. But Steve Sadek, what totally cool, awesome 80s movie are we talking about next week? Totally awesome 80s. We're finally doing, I should say, Crocodile Dundee. Hell yeah. Yeah. Gotta be saying good day to Paul Hogan. absolutely dude this is

I believe the movie that kicked off Aussie fever here in the United States in the back part of the 20th century I just recently caught this on TV for a little bit this movie is so well shot it's nuts it's fucking crazy

I picked up the Blu-ray double pack just in some good for you it looks very good Eric and that's what you want though right because like yeah movie one he's coming to New York movie two they're going to Australia

and then you don't have to worry about that time he's working in Los Angeles there you go never think about it nobody knows so until next week when we're talking

Paul Hogan and Crocodile Dundee I've been Andrew Jupin Steven Sadec Eric Cisco Chris Gavin Take it easy Thank you.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Hey!