We Hate Movies - S15 Ep812: Fantastic Four (2015)

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

“I’d have preferred they made no movie at all…” - Eric  On this week’s episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza has us chatting about the total misfire of a superhero reboot, Fantastic Four (2015)! Yikes, folks! Why are all members of the Fantastic Four under legal drinking age in this movie? Why did we need to see Reed and Ben as little kids at the beginning like it’s some bad studio comedy from the 1990s? Why did so many people think this gritty, harsh take on a traditionally goofy property was a smart move? Why are the Storms snooping around high school science fairs looking for children to snatch up? And couldn’t they have pumped just a little more money into this Doctor Doom costume? PLUS: Look out for the most dangerous member of the Marvel Universe — The Pebble!  Fantastic Four (2015) stars Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Tim Blake Nelson, Dan Castellaneta, Chet Hanks, Tim Heidecker, and the late, great Reg E. Cathey as Dr. Franklin Storm; directed by Josh Trank. [EDITOR’S NOTE: While he’s not in this FF film, we do mention Julian McMahon’s performance as Dr. Doom in the Tim Story Fantastic Four films from 2005 and 2007. We recorded this about a month before Julian passed, so that’s why it’s not referenced here. McMahon was a great actor who, as we say in this episode, understood the assignment when playing Dr. Doom in those aughts films. Rest easy, Julian, a talented and very nice guy from all reports. — Andrew] Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, it's one of the biggest superhero chop jobs of the modern era. It's Fantastic 4, 2015. I'm Andrew Jupin. It's trauma time. It's Stephen Shadak. Eric Siska, 2015. Mr. Fantastic. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. We're talking about the worst Fantastic Four movie thus far. It's 2015's, it's, it's 2015's Fantastic Four, directed by, Josh Trank? What a name. The infamous Josh Trank at this point.

I think you might be right. This has to be the worst run, the worst one. Like, this is my first time watching this movie. And this might be one of the worst movies we've ever done, folks. I'm sorry. Oh, there it is. Ding, ding, ding, ding. You ever rate something on Letterbox that instantly regret?

Like, I should have went lower. This was, I gave this two stars last night because I was like, or the other night because I was like, you know, like there's, Some of it looks okay and like, I think Michael B. Jordan is okay. I love Reggie Kathy. So I'm like two stars. Then like today I was like, what the fuck was I thinking last night? This is a one star affair.

Dude, I tinker with my stars. I'll take them down a notch if I need to. I am also that way. I will tinker. I am sticking with my two star rating on this because I'm going to stick with it. I'll come in, you know, throughout the episode with this. I do like the idea he had. The one idea is that, Chris.

The idea of it like being, focusing on the mutation as a physical thing. As like, this is a burden or is it not? Do you learn, like, the way you could talk about this as like somebody who's in a wheelchair or something, like, you, this is change. You can't change. Your body is new like this. Right. And learning to accept that and not think of yourself. Like, I like the horror element at first, but the execution is so badly done.

Like, the darkness and the way this story just feels like it falls off a clip. as soon as you get to Tim Blake Nelson Story It feels like a good setup until Tim Blake Nelson and the thing has to actually take flight then it just feels like crap And why I want to even dock my two star

is I don't even like that idea I mean look that's a fine idea for Chronicle whatever or any other Josh Tragglebone do Chronicle 2 Chronicle 2 electric booglu this but as a fantastic 4 movie like I'm sorry like people like the Fantastic 4 for very specific reasons

do that you should yeah some do i don't understand the appeal to be honest now i'm not initiated i haven't read the comics there's fire guy invisible girl yeah stretch armstrong yep uh-huh rock guy yep it's almost like uh you watched the movie on mute and metal man you forgot about metal man oh metal man of course doctor uh victor von doom um yeah i you know it makes sense that this new one's like set what the 60s or something because this is this does not seem like a real fleshed out idea or is it an alternate reality that's a more like

it's present day on their universe but it looks like Mod Squad 60s. If I finally living in the 1960s it feels like modern day doesn't it right? Yes. On some respects. Right before we recorded I watched the final trailer guys. Oh wow. I know the whole

movie. I know every little second of it. Have you guys seen this new silver surfer we got going on? The lady. She got titty. The lady surfer. Yes, and it looks bad. I'm sorry. It looks really bad. We were able to do T1,000 in fucking 1991 or whatever.

To what you're saying, Eric, I got to say one thing about this. You are never, I don't care how good this movie is coming out here. You are never going to make the Mr. Fantastic stuff not look silly. No. Good or like not silly. It always looks ridiculous. Yeah. In the first two, I rewatched the Tim Story one about like half of it this morning.

And, like, even that, I, I weirdly, like, started being like, well, he actually gets this better than Trank does. Oh, I'm sure he does. There's certain things. But, like, at some point, I'm just like, what are we doing here? If every time he does that thing, I'm just like, yeah, okay, all right, man. But that's why, though, I feel like you have to,

you have to use that knowledge of, like, this is never going to not look stupid. And then you have to gauge that against, like, the tone of your movie. because I'm more forgiving of stuff that looks kind of stupid if it's in a silly movie which those first two movies are they're very silly. The first one's sillier than the second

we try to get a little more serious than the second but it's still silly. This is like more dead serious and what you're talking about with like the you know leads into like the body horror part of it and everything like that. Then when that, like it's serious vibes but it's also still looking stupid

that's way worse in my head. And I mean that's the thing. And it just doesn't fit. again, this character, this concept, like these four people, and what bugs me about it the most is by the end of the movie when we're in Reshoot City and like they're in like the fucking fantastic world or whatever, or the planet zero, planet zero. You selected Planet Zero. Jerry, we're going to miss Planet Zero. No, I was thinking more. Oh, you can't go. I could go to Planet Zero by myself and make quips to nobody

we're missing the planet zero what are you saying Steve? Central City when they're like oh wow look at this big facility and like yeah the human torch actually like fucks with the thing for the first and only time in the movie and you're like oh that's what that's supposed to look like I mean like and even that though is a real

nasty fucking comment it's not like a zinger it's a real you're an ugly fucking piece of shit kind of comment And I was like, even that's got some stink on it. Like, this is just nasty. And like, Eric, to your question, like, what do people like about the Fantastic Four? It is a lighter property most of the time. It's goofier.

There's gleepe-glops that they're dealing with all that. It's just a lighter thing. Super science as a thing. Like, you know, Reed Richards is doing fantastical weirdos side stuff. It just seems like we have like, oh, man, that X-Men are popular. What if there was less of them? And what if it was worse? And that, I mean, but that's a problem with him looking silly, though, is he's your leader.

He's the guy I'm supposed to be focusing on this thing on. And, like, I know that eventually they're supposed to get it as a group. But like, I would say that at least in this one, even though I think he's not good in it, at least, what's his name is as Mr. Fantastic as like a leader. He feels a little bit more like a leader than whatever his name is that's in the first one. Ewan Grifford, yeah, to me at least. Yes, we have. It's Ian Griffith. I've been saying this for a while.

I'm pretty sure it's Ian Griffith. Andy, Andy Griffiths. By the way, I looked at up. Why, you stretch it all over the place there. Oh, never mind. It looks like Fantastic Four came out before the X-Men, but you know what I mean. Oh, I do.

Here's a place to start. And I've said this before. And no more has it ever been more real than this. Never start your movie in Oyster Bay, New York City, 2007? Never see. Not New York City. That's a, what, Suffolk County? I never need to see adult characters as kids.

I do not need to see what they're doing. And in a movie that is so truncated and so slashed to ribbons, we waste so much real estate on these little babies and their baby adventure that tells you no information. But then you're not going to get Dan Castellanetta in that sweet, sweet flesh roll that he's got as a teacher. There is that. But I think the other thing is because we are very quickly trying to,

who believe that, like, Miles Taylor and Michael B. Jordan are, like, in their teens. Like, well, that's, yeah, they're all supposed to be, like, the oldest, I think, is Victor. But even that dude is not of legal drinking age. Why are the Fantastic Four all

underage? Like, that's one of the dumbest ideas. Crazy. It's a Chronicle thing. He loved the movie. People liked the movie Chronicle. I was just okay with it. It's like... That's like, like, a bunch of weeners get superpowers. And one of them is, Michael B. Jordan, Dane DeHan, and then I bring Day DeHanais.

Yeah, during the day DeHanissons. I remember liking it at the time, but I have not gone back. I haven't gone back. But I mean, one of the key things, I'm sorry, but like Reed Richards, canonically, is significantly older than Seuss Storm. That's part of the deal is she's kind of slightly age inappropriate. Oh, yeah. Age gap lover is mighty Marvelites. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Got a couple of granny shaggers.

coming up too. Why would a 40-year-old man date a 40-year-old woman? Disgusting. All that moron, Stan Soapbox, Excelsior. The older you get, they get more experience. You know how they can use that experience, Mighty Marvelites? It can make you mighty masturbate, right? And jack off. You know what? I want a woman bathed in cosmic rays, not in emotional materials. no thanks mighty bovalites Stan's soapbox here come my cosmic rays I've been jacking it

I'm slinging my cosmic rays all over the bedroom and you are changed forever don't worry the tank is empty everybody I did it enough it's all out there oh by the way Mr. Stan declined to do the caveat

I feel that good for him a good for him but I think that's bullshit I think that there was probably this was during one of the more heated Fox v. Marvel situations and somebody put a bullet in Stanley's mailbox like you're not allowed to be in that movie if you're going to be in these Marvel movies. That's my guess.

If you want this MCU to continue on as is, you'll stay the fuck away from that trank set. The MCU works as an addictive element. And you start with a good one. And then you put out a worse one. And then, of course, you add the addictive element and that's you, you combine them. So then Thor comes into Iron Man.

And that's the addictive element that gets you to get really into it. And then you can't stop. You can't stop yourself. Jeffrey, it's enough. That's enough. I was shocked that this movie starts with an Eli Manning name drop. Yes, thank you. So we got a little ahead of ourselves.

We don't go right to Miles Teller. We get Miles Teller as a little baby. Thank goodness. And yes, we get some weenie in the class is like, my personal hero, Eli Manning. This is as the titles are coming up. my personal hero, Eli Manning. Yeah, it's tough.

It's letting you know it's 2007, you understand. He's still the quarterback and yada, yada, yada. 10 to 20. The big thing it's setting up is like, because he, he's my hero because he makes money. He makes 10 to 20 million a year. And it's clearly trank being like, I did, I wanted to make something from my heart here.

His stupid piece of shit is sincere. I swear to God. And then. it's a career day thing like what do you want to do when you grow up and then here comes Reed Richards or I'll call him Nur or whatever and he's like I want to be the first person to

teleport something and I've built this thing in my garage and Dan Castellanetta is the most unsupportive teacher in the world Oh dude this guy's checked out he's a little bit right you should be like I need you to redo that homework and make it

you know scientist or whatever like that's what you want to be right? The assignment was to pick a real career in the real world. You got up there and mumbled how you want to invent teleporting. You want to invent teleported. That's not a career. Now I'm kind of putting together why Eric wasn't a teacher before.

This is coming together. The plates are gliding. I clearly did not pass the background check on that. I also just, I hate this shit though. I mean, I hate this shit so much. But like, what I really don't like about this movie is how it drops

things in thinking like it's making elbow nudge kind of references right but what it's doing is telling you that like there's awesome shit in this movie that you're not going to see right and so like Dan Castellanetta he's like oh yes well Mr. Richards a teleporter

at least you've given up your idea of the flying car and I'm like all right well the fantastic car is not in this movie then yep you're making fun of it okay awesome the central city thing central city like people forget this the fucking fantastic four were L.A. Babies, man. They were fucking not New York City originally. And Central City is where they blasted off

into the space mission that we caught out of this entirely in favor of this bullshit garbage alternate universe thing. Oh, suck it. This is so stupid when we get to that. And this is like, this is the problem with Zach Snyder's Superman.

This is the problem with Chloe Zhao's Eternals. It's all about the carousel. And when it's your turn on the carousel, you have to get on something you have you have to do a superhero movie i'm sorry and it's like i guess i have to do the fantastic four but i hate the fantastic four add do what you want with it and then you get somebody who just doesn't like the property making the movie similarly with the journal similarly with superman similarly with i mean even like poor lee isich chuggist be like i guess i'll make

twister i don't know like that's my turn on the carousel like oh no i and then you have to like on tv i always loved twister i've always wanted to make twister really spoke to me as a kid. I know, guys, it's Twisters. No, not with the dollar sign. No, no dollar sign at the end. That's just, it's just normal us. I always wanted to do podcast.

I'm so excited to be here podcasting. Yeah. Because that's the thing is, exactly. You'll know, somebody makes an interesting movie that makes enough money that people are interested in it. Like, and not Chronicle is not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but Chronicle was a movie people talked about. They're like, oh, this kid's a, maybe a new director.

He kind of fun, fine movie, yeah. Get on the carousel and now you've got to do the fucking fantastic force. But Chronicle was a superhero movie. Yes, exactly. Do something else. We're not allowed of that. You need to do an IP property. Well, no, you can't do anything like remotely fun or interesting to it because we got to do shit like see a little Ben Grimm getting fucking abused by his older brother, Chet Hanks.

Oh, man. Whatever you say, movie, whatever. Was that Chet Hanks? Yeah, beat the shit out of him. Oh, that's. That's delightful, right? He's the one that comes up with clobberin time. Well, that's, yeah, that's where it is?

Oh, where does the things fun? It's clobberant time come from. Oh, domestic violence. Got it's right. It's trauma. Trauma. I just fucking hate it so much. I despise it.

So, yeah, he gets, they have like a scrapyard or whatever, the Grimm's scrapyard. Oh, yeah, the Grimm's family-owned junkyard. And, you know, hurt people, hurt people because the kid. Yeah. Chen Hanks smacks the little kid and then the mom smacks him and it's like oh thank God there's generations of abuse thank goodness I'm having a great time

here with my popcorn and my fucking my comic book t-shirt this is so much fun it's realistic I'm sitting there in the theater like man that fantastic car is not common because by the way I should say I saw this in theaters and you want to see fucking talk about star changes I've seen this movie twice now

first time in theater's three stars and I looked up my letterbox review and it was basically because of the body horror. I was blinded by the body horror. This time around sat there eyes and heart wide open, one and a half star rewatched, fuck this movie. Chris still blinded by the body horror.

Blinded by the body heart. I mean, I think it's a good idea. You're getting punched in the mouth. Oh, nice. I love you. He's getting the shit kicked out of him and like They're having, the kid, Chad Hanks is having like a Larry Clark party outside.

It's like a bunch of teenagers. Yeah, they're tank tops having, having beers together. Yeah, they're getting up to something NC17 related out there. That's for sure. Come on down to the Larry Clark party. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't go there. Why are we doing this on the radio? Why would you advertise something illegal on the radio? You have to sign an NDA to come to my party. B.Y.O. Lub. Yeah. If you're 18, you'll be turned away at the door. It's the Larry Clark party. And this is the casting couch you've heard so much about. Oh, but there's like a ruckus outside and little Ben runs off to see what it is. And he finds little Reed hiding in a junked out car. He's looking for a power converter. Oh, boy. Wow. Like fucking Luke Skywalker. Yeah, dude. Go to Tashi Station. I think that's somewhere in Queens. I mean, I'd rather go to Tashi Station than Oyster Bay.

Totally. So he's like, oh, I've got a teleporter in my house. Do you want to go see it? But I have to grab your shit. So they grab the stuff. And like, this is all something like, when we're at the science fair and it's the adult actors being adults, just have them be like, man, we've been doing this for 10 years. Remember when we did that?

And that's all I've ever needed. Do you remember how we failed the 11th grade four times in a row? And then four more times as well. We went around again. 26-year-old 11th graders. Hey, Reed, remember your last birthday where you legally rented a car? Yeah, I do.

I think they got held back because he kept doing that career day thing and he kept on going, it's a bio-matter transmitter. Get off the stage. I would hope that it's Dan Castellaneta just has this fucking axe to grind with this thing down.

It's like, He's not ready yet. He will never just tell me what job he wants to do. It's always about some stupid transporter. But it's like just get through the assignment, dude. You think I ever wanted to be anything? You just say it to appease these people. By the way, the only way to do bio matter transference,

what you need to do is tape about 15 and 64s together. 15 on the low side. You want to be sure it works 20, just to be safe. You want to put a rumble pack in there or you want to not do with a rumble pack? Blow on the cartridge. You need to do that, but also you need to keep some of the controllers plugged in. Not all of them. Just like half of them have to be plugged.

Yes, exactly. I do not and did not at the time care for the different color Nintendo 64. Oh, come on. No, fuck that. Give me the OG, dude. Give me that sweet, sweet Nintendo Gray, baby. I can't believe they got rid of it for the Switch. That Nintendo Grey was, was, oh, loved it.

Miss it every day. I'm going to paint my walls Nintendo Grey I was just saying because Josh Trank has never gone over high school anyone who likes football is an idiot

so here comes Tim Heideker watching the Jets Oh man yeah and you will miss it Look this movie Watch this movie the other night

And like the movie And like Obviously because it's a modern movie There's no opening credits The end movie has the credits And it's like Miles Teller Michael B. Jordan

Kate Mairer Reggie Kathy After Reggie Kathy And I think after even maybe Tim Blake Nelson, it's Tim Heideker, like he was in this movie. It's way higher up. Dude, I was stunned at his placement in those end credits. It's unbelievable.

He should be in the movie more. Like, when the guy goes missing forever, maybe the dad has a scene. Maybe we understand what's happening with these people's families. It's a good idea. Well, because I mean, what movie are you trying to make is the question. Well, that's a big question, right? 15. I'd prefer if they made no movie at all.

That would be better. But, yeah, Heidecker. like they turn the device on and there's like some rumbling out from the the garage and he's like oh what's that read up to read and then like he walks out of the movie i mean never to be seen again and you never see like what's his relationship with them other than like him yelling at the jets what is the relationship with the mother what's relationship with reid we all we know ben's situation is he's like abused all the time doesn't seem like there's a dad when we meet reggie kathy he does seem like a reasonably good dad like he seems like he's supportive he wants to be involved with their like even though he's pushing them into a death spiral that's going to cause mutation specifically does profit him eventually yes but like in comparison he seems like the good one he also he's like the stepdad too

which is like he's and he's like there and he's not necessarily he's not beating him like we see at the fucking grim house so it's like yeah he's just he's the I don't know kind of curmudgeonly loser that's stepped up so yeah so question about that to my fantastic foreheads here we got some esteemed readers.

Sue Storm was always from Kosovo. Is that right? No, no. I think we're trying to do here is she's adopted and we're just like, I don't know, maybe we'll make it a little spicier. She's from Kosovo. Like, war, it's like, oh,

when would she be of, you know, when would she have been adopted? Oh, I don't know, the fucking mid 90s. What was a crisis zone then? Kosovo, yeah, right. Just cut to Slobodon-Lamovitch being like, the one that got away. the funny thing is the most inappropriate line of the movie

which speaks to Reed Richards is like complete vacuousness she storm later in the movie is like I'm adopted and he's like yeah sometimes I wish I was adopted and she's like what and I'm like that's not flirting like you can't tell an adopted person that like oh man

it doesn't help to be crazy but you don't have to be crazy but it helps or whatever like this is not the same thing like just relax yeah that's it's a it's a bad line that I don't even know if he's trying to flirt though this character just like has stuff fall out of his mouth in sentences

I'm not the world so we cut to now it's Miles Keller Miles Teller and uh Jamie Bell as Ben Grimm Jamie Bell with like nine lines of this movie total tops I don't even know oh it's jumpers Jamie Bell everyone oh yes

Infomaniacs Jamie Bell Billy Elliot I believe previous virtual live experience Jamie Bell from King Kong if you remember that he's in that he's in that for a hot second among a shit ton of other people crazy line at this science fair

is Reed Richards is like wow isn't this great Ben we're finally here at the science fair whatever he says he goes out yeah here's our project we've been working on every day since the fifth grade and I was like is that literal? Is it literally like Every day of your life since fifth grade You've been working on this thing

Well is that or getting beaten by Chess Hanks or Ma Oh no here comes Ma Ma's beating us now too Hide in the garage Hide in Reed's garage At least they won't get you there Hey Reed could we take one of those N64s off And like play it maybe

No no it's part of the transporter No You can't play with it no It's a biometer teleporter But I just want to play fucking Donkey Kong country Dude it's right there We're gonna go to our own Donkey Kong adventure in another universe

yes you say that every day and every day it doesn't it does not happen we're going to the Mario world too we're doing them all so I guess what what the deal is is as far as his work for the Baxter Foundation Reggie Kathy's

Dr. Storm himself trolls around grade school and high school science fairs looking for looking to fucking weed out the smart ones and get these good ones signed under contract? Total quigon gin maneuver. Absolutely, man.

To quote a blur song, we've got a file on you, Reggie Cassie. It's stacked. That fucker is stacked. Because, like, the craziest line in this is Miles Teller saying, I'm 18.

That is definitely the craziest of them all. But, like, to be here and be like, we're very serious. We're going to take you to a super serious, a secret place where you can do all these experiments and bring up. I would think,

I'm, I would think I'm being troll. I would be like, is it, all right, what do you talk? Who did, who did this? Is it, did my shitty brother, Ben, did your shitty brother do this? Is he in on this? You know, you're a real super boy. Perhaps you'll come to my lab with me. No, look, it's totally normal.

There's a young girl going to be there. Yeah. Would you help her, help her. Help her, yes. Yeah, the thing doesn't go well, but like, you know, it's a wacky. I mean, I guess it's supposed to be endearing that it kind of fails, but like he kind of does it. He fails a thing. And Reggie

Kathy is like, I'm kind of Professor X in this universe. Do you want to come with me? Don't mind my bald head and almost similar speeches. I won't be sitting as much in this movie. So, you know, it doesn't also look like I'm Professor Xavier. Full standing.

We cut to very quickly, very chopply, very sloppily. We're at the Baxter Foundation. It's a school, but it's like, you never see anything of fuck it's like it's a school like it's a school he's got a dorm room yeah they share a room also like that sucks you're this uh prestigious like whatever i got to look at that room there's two beds there so reed's bunkin with somebody i what i want is the the interview where he's like where reggie kathy takes both ben and read he's like you boys have done it you've cracked

to dimensional travel. Reed, I know, Ben, so what do you think about the molecular gyration mechanism? He's like, I tighten the bolts and he's like, oh, I see. We're not going to cancel the double bed in Reed's room. We'll just need the one. No, no, we'll actually keep the double bed.

I'll sleep in that one and Reed will sleep in the other. Just like, yeah. Well, we'll read, what do you do? Well, Reed has all these ideas. as you see. And when something's heavy, I help. I lift the other part of it. I was the one that went

around the neighborhood collecting all those Nintendo 64s. I don't know if we've told you that, but my skill is collecting garbage. I also, I'll be straight with you. I stole some of those. Some of those are my classmates, you know, they just don't need them as much

as we do. We're trying to fucking go to another universe here. I also forget things all the time. You know, like the model car we were supposed to transport. I totally don't know where that is, so let's steal this kids. Yes, like, you're a bad even assistant. That's why, like, at least in the other

world, like, it's more canonical and it's like, Ben is a pilot and he's an accomplished pilot, and that's like a thing that he's done and is good at, and he's not just dude who steals N64s. I was reading a little bit of, like, what the other script might have been.

And the original Josh Trank, because he said his version was really good, right? it was original. Yeah, I mean, it's bullet points on IMDB, who the fuck knows. But something, something, like, you would see, like, Reed be bullied and Ben would come to his aid, which makes so much fucking sense. And you need that in this movie, because otherwise, again, he's just the kid with scrap metal and physical abuse. Like, he's never shown to be, like, they're never shown to be really friends. Like, he drops him off at school and he's like, guess I'll never see you again, sad face.

Yeah, I guess I'm just going to go back to my oyster bay trash yard. Well, like, yeah, to that point, like, why have Ben Grimm be the one that's beaten up by Chet Hanks have Reed be beaten up by Chess getting bullied? Or maybe Tim Heidecker's bullying him. And he comes, you know, Ben Grimm comes over the house and puts Heidecker through the wall. Maybe that's. Oh, yeah. Or could say, like, listen, you know, Reed, here's how I handled my old man when he would get shitty or anything to have them bond and be friends.

I just hate this notion that he's just the muscle and that's just what he is through this whole movie and even like when they go and go to the other dimension through their fucking stupid little device even then it's like Ben is invited due to pity so he's part of the accident due to a pity invite no like the military would shoot you in the head for suggesting bringing this guy on the fucking mission

it just wouldn't work out like I am shocked by Like, I know. It's a superhero movie. You're not supposed to think about it. Well, he sneaks. When they do it, it's a sneak-in situation. In this movie. Still, whatever it comes back, I would put in a garbage compactor. And, like, I would turn him into a pebble, an actual one.

But, like, the thing, what you're saying is so true. Like, I'm just, can Ben, like, build something? Yes. Can he be good at building to, and that's what connects them? Because the thing that connects them is garbage. The thing that connects them is, I run the garbage place. You need stuff from the garbage place. Well, to answer your question, you can.

It's transactional. We can't have him build anything in this, Chris, but I'm intrigued by your little pebble idea. Yes, just turning them into a little pebble that says stuff. Yeah, if the thing is a little pebble that says stuff and goes on adventures. Put it in your pocket. That's like a Stuart Little situation. It's pebbling time.

It's adorable. I think she likes you, read. I think she's kind of coming on to you. He could get like stuck in Dr. Doom's shoe and Dr. He was like, oh, no, I can no longer battle the Fantastic Four. Dude, do a pebble in my ship. That's right, motherfucker.

And then he could spy on people, too. You never notice a pebble in the corner of the room. You can just see that thing anywhere. Here I am just in my home base, which is Reed and Sue's gravel driveway. Me with all of my minions and brothers. Oh, no, they're paving it. They're paving over me. No, no, no, no.

Somebody listen to me. pay somebody oh no Mr. Thing but because the other part of this is like the Fantastic Four

I would say even more so than most Marvel characters or even a lot of like superhero characters have very well-defined character traits

Bill Ben Grim big monster guy with a sad he's sad about his condition but he's got a heart of gold none of that here like just absolute

so we just pave over everything so yeah it's a real like i guess i'll never see you again read enjoy it here in new york he's like you're home you're a genius i deserve to be garbage i deserve to be here like this is a real fun movie to watch yeah so we got we got a we got a quick scene where we see read kind of flirting with sue a little bit in the library and don't worry about it sue storm is here to just fucking ruin music for everybody like he's there studying and he's like oh what are you listening to and it's

this stupid joke where she's like, oh, I'm listening to Portishead. And he's like, oh, I don't know him. And she's like them. It's a band dumb fuck. And then like she talks about like, oh, I like to listen to music when I do work. Because music's just patterns and patterns and patterns. And then the song has to come to a conclusion of the pattern. And I like finding the patterns. And I was like way to suck. Way to suck the joy right out of music. Am I watching the accountant right now? Well, I was about to say, I think that they're like somewhere, some draft that fell in the toilet. I think Sue was maybe supposed to be autistic or maybe that's what Kate Barrow was going

for. Dude, flush any of that if that was even attempted or written, because it is not fucking here at all. It's not in the movie. I mean, also question, were we listened to Portisette in the year 2015? I don't know. Yes. When did the first record come out? Just last week.

I mean, it's a fun one, but it's. But for relevancy, I know what you mean. Like, relevant. Right. The third one, they should say passion pit instead. It's okay. Crystal Castles or I'm listening to MGMT. Yes. And then who else?

We got Tim Blake Nelson. We get this board chair for the Baxter Foundation. And, you know, he's not thrilled about this interdimensional research or whatever. And then he's like, Reggie Kathy is like getting the third degree from him here. And he's like, oh, and by the way, one of the guys I'm bringing him back on is Victor von Doom. And, you know, I guess he was a Victor von Dickhead. And Tim Blake Nelson doesn't want him back on the project. But we're introduced to him anyway.

Previous draft. previous draft idea here Tim Blake Nelson and why he's in this movie was the character's last name was originally, his name was usually used to be Harvey Elder, which you guessed it is the name of the mole

man, but they changed it to Alan in the reshoots of the rewrites because they're like, we're not going to waste the mole man on whatever this fake character is. You know what I mean? Oh wow. And I shall be mole man. Was he supposed to be mole man in the movie? Or was he just

going to have moleman's character name. Have moleman's character's name in that, like, and again, like, this is why everybody was so happy when everything went to the MCU, because this is what Fox did a lot of is like, hey, that guy's got the name of somebody. He's not going to do jack shit. He's going to wear a suit the entire time, but that's vaguely

the character. Dylan Baker syndrome. That's the thing. They never got over the fucking Dylan Baker thing. It was there and they were just like, no. The lizard should be here. Why isn't he here? Versus modern day MCU where it's like, hey, that Daredevil and Wolverine is the best movie

I've ever seen because he's wearing the fucking yellow suit and I'm like we got to do so there's got to be a middle ground there has to be somewhere in the middle but yeah we do meet Toby Kebill as Victor von Doom you know this guy from Warcraft Destroyer rock and rolla

his best performance was as the evil monkey in Planet of the Apes movies Coalbubb oh right yes he's in he's in those latter apes movies think he's not good here though I mean we're trying to do like an in-cell kind of thing, but we're not doing it? It's boy with the dragon tattoo, essentially.

Like, he's got that mood about him. Like, he's always been there. He's living, like, Neo at the beginning of the first Matrix movie. Like, Reggie Kathy, like, goes to recruit him or whatever, and he's got to be like, no one stole your design, Victor. This guy also just came to it on his own, but now you can work together and he's trying to sell him on it. And he is just, like, sitting in a room with, like, nine computer screens.

all of like different code going he's got like cool electric music playing while he just like stares at monitors oh my god that boy's playing four video games at once game over game over he must be a genius oh he's oh and he's eating top ramen that much brilliant that means uh big brain by the way his name in the original uh script of cut of this before they did reshoots was Victor Domeshav because they were like, Von Doom is stupid and then like, it got out and fans were like that it needs to be

the right thing so they changed it. But you know what's interesting though is like to your point though Eric like yes it is stupid but it's stupid in the but in the world of like the comic world of Fantastic Four like it fits and that's why like yeah a dude in this dirty ass you know

boy with the dragon tattoo you know knockoff kind of character Yeah, that dude being called Victor von Doom is stupid. I see what I mean. Because it's like Austin Powers needs to exist for Dr. Evil and that makes sense. Those two work together.

So if this movie was sillier and the character, this had more joy in it, it would make sense. If Austin Powers was fighting a guy named Dr. Domachev, it wouldn't work. Exactly. No. That's exactly it. But then it's about something else. It's about like coming to America and what that's going to be like.

What did he have to come from? That's what I would be thinking about. We barely mentioned the fact that he's like Latvian. And the whole thing is like, yeah, he is a fucking immigrant. Like that's the side of it. I love this idea though. Chris has hit the nail on the head. We need it coming to America with Victor von Doom.

He's working at McDowell's. Oh, nice. On Clevee's Boulevard. It starts him. In the morning, he's got the mask on and he goes to take a bath and two ladies are washing his cock in Latvaria. Right. Yeah, but he has to go to America to find obviously a bride.

Hopefully Sue Storm. Hey, Von Doom, you got to wash the traps there, Von Doom. It's me, your manager, Louis Anderson. Boy, do I despise working with this Louis Anderson here at McDowell's. But make sure you put the rust-proofing on as well. It's important to keep all this stuff together. The thing I, to what you were saying, what I think this movie needs,

and if you were going to be serious about making like a great Fantastic Four movie, I know this is film nerdy of me to say what you need to is like a Douglas Cirque like you need someone who's like this is wholesome this is like Americana this is what it's like and then have all the stuff be underneath and then rupture

like that but which might be what this new one is it looks like maybe they're trying to do that especially considering the story they're trying to tell I'll definitely take Douglas Cirque's colors over this gray dark shit well that's the thing is it's a property that is very poppy and very fun and very bright and like that's you can't just jettison that because

you don't like that you know what i mean you need a different director if that's the idea and like they don't tell josh they try to they try to do that halfway through and you get this fucking stillborn baby uh at least this new one is matt shackman and the thing i'll give shackman you know like i wasn't crazy about wandavision but like there's shit in there that applies to i think like fantastic for aesthetic but also Matt Shackman directed like a thousand episodes of Sunny and like

so like I feel like the lightness like the dude is directed comedy obviously like I think we might be in for some lightness in this movie which is much needed but so he does he's vaguely not interested in going back but then he does say to this dude's

to this woman this girl's father is like so is Sue gonna be there He's like, and he, this fucking creepy Franklin Richards is like, or a storm is like, why, yes, she will be. It's like, maybe you can fuck my daughter if you come back. I don't know. As long as you get the fucking portal hole open, you can fucking figure anything else with my daughter. I would hope you'd get her. Yeah, please, you got to get that portal hole open.

Don't just start thrusting. Ladies and gentlemen. Steve, you see what I did there? I fucking laid some crumbs and I knew the other two would pick up on it. You say the dirty stuff for me. You chummed the waters. We're here to pick it up. Yes, of course.

5D chess over here. He's doing the 5D chess. He's actually doing the 5D chess. Yes. Now, Chris, what would we do with that hole? Oh, I'm kidding. Let's see. Lightness.

So we're having fun. Honestly, more fun than Fantastic 4th, 2015. So whatever. We're working in this big lab, Reed loves this big lab. Sue's trashing his shit immediately like looking at the experiment

like, oh, you're lucky you didn't rip a hole in the universe blah, blah, and I'm like, wouldn't it been kind of cool if we saw like a little bit of that tear? Like in the school project, like maybe Dan Castellanetta fucking drops his glasses in a interdimensional hole or something, like anything? What if Dan Castellaneta goes into the third dimension and he's running around on a green grid, you know?

Sure. It winds up at erotic cakes after the end of it all. Of course, Victor von Doom, not impressed at all with Reed's design. He calls it fucking elementary and whatnot and refuses to shake hands with them. Oh, big jerk over here. So we get, we do get, because it's the only time we can say it because it's this movie where there are no fun superhero code names, et cetera, et cetera. I think Victor is talking, he calls her Susan because he's kind of a dickhead. and then she's like, oh, he says something like,

oh, it's going to be, you're going to waterboard people at another, use it as a fucking black site for the military or something like that. And then she goes, ooh, Dr. Doom over here. That's it. There you go. That's all you're going to get. Yes, because what happens here is they're explaining like, oh, we sent a drone through to the other side.

And, you know, the drone didn't come back, but we got all this footage from it or whatever. And then, yes, this is where she throws in the Dr. Doom sarcastically or whatever. And then so fucking, man, Franklin Storm has to give this speech where it's basically like, now I know me and my boomer generation fucked everything for you kids. But if you, all of you under 21 year old scientists in this room can go figure out what's going on over there, maybe we can reverse some of what my generation did. What we're going to do here is we are going to make nothing.

but paper straws we're going to make paper straws in the billions and finally we'll be saving this planet no no you don't do do don't touch the planes don't tell anybody they can't take less planes can't we do some bigger action than the paper straw

that is the fools errand it is straw time here baby yeah we're gonna yeah we're gonna make the paper straws and we're gonna drill for oil in the national forest hell yeah it's a balancing act it's all balancing actor it just makes sense so we are introduced to michael b jordan's johnny storm doing some fast and furious deleted scenes here like 30 minutes

into the movie you get a and i caught the fourth member of the fucking fantastic four and be the best actor in the movie yes in the whole movie yeah he needs to be the leader maybe it's from Johnny's perspective and we get that cool racing sequence a little longer and we, because that's certainly better than being hit by Chet Hanks. Anything's better than being hit by Chet Hanks.

But yes, it's, but it's, uh, apparently there was a lot of fan outrage over blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, wait, wait, what is that? I wonder what it is. Because he was a black actor, you understand. And that's not the way that I remember it when I, from 1964.

Damn. It's me. And apparently Josh Trank got a lot of like fucking death threats or whatever, which is just great stuff. Imagine sending a death threat

to someone because you found out the human torches played by a black guy. Just what... That's something else. What a nothing existence to live. Actually, I think he's a congressman now. He might be vice president for all I know.

That's actually true. Finding out that the best actor of his generation is playing fucking The Human Torch. That set me into it Tizzy. It already happened with Chris Evans. I'm sorry. You know that.

You already know it's already been done perfectly by Chris Evans. Amazing performance. In Rise of the Silver Surfer, I didn't care for the first one. But yes, he's doing a little bit of street racing here and you think he's like got it good

until he blows something on the car and crashes into a tree and Franklin's got to go pick him up at the hospital and it's all of the I'm like this is not a drag racing movie and it's fucking 35 minutes into this movie at this point

like what are we doing? Michael B. Jordan has like 14 lines in the movie. He's got no character arc like they try and do it where it's like oh him and his dad have this difficult relationship and like something something

like his dad wants him to do science but he wants to do street racing. It's all. It's all half-baked. Even Reed is just like, oh, Joe, my science went bad. I left. And it's like, wait, what's going on with this guy? You don't know. You won't know. See, Franklin Richards is upset, you see. Or Franklin Storm, rather, is upset, you see. Because Johnny Storm, he doesn't want to be an importer exporter anymore. He must to give up the importing and focus solely on the exporting. And his father's upset about that. Got to break his heart. It really does have to break his heart. It's just so stupid.

And then it's like, and again, because this guy is like playing a 17-year-old. I think I looked at I-D-B. He was like 26 when you're making the movie. Of course he was. He's playing a 17-year-old and he's like, well, I built that car piece by piece with my bare hands. Dad, that's my car. You can't take it away. And he's like, uh-uh, uh, with my money, my car.

You have to come working off. I'm like, so this is like he's kind of just grounded. That's why this character is here because he's grounded by his father. But then we get the joke. I'm not wearing a lab coat. Uh-huh. And you, Johnny, are a secret genius. You could build anything.

And I'm like, couldn't Ben Grimm be able to do something? Like, just something? Ben Grimm, yeah. Yeah, take out the trash, please. Thank you. We'll hit you again. Meets Ben like when in the street racing stuff. Yeah, that's sort of something.

That's something like that. At least to get some connection. That's a great point, Chris. That's a great point, Chris. Because what is the Grimm family business? a garage. Yes. Come on.

Hello. Anything. He's given fucking tires to Michael B. Jordan or something for the car. Right. Like taking them off of like totaled vehicles or something. Have there be like a fucking cool like you know, teenage underworld a little bit where they're doing stuff besides science projects and getting bullied?

I wish this movie would go into the fucking third dimension. Jesus. There's nothing here. There's literally it's just. There's nothing to talk. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. When the movie finally kicks in, like when.

conflict actually happens when a problem arises that the Fantastic Four have to like band together for the very first time and figure something out there are 20 minutes left of the movie like seven of them are credits like I couldn't believe it when I paused

it I was like oh it's finally doing something pause how many minutes are left fucking fewer than an episode of the Simpsons Jesus and so we got a most of that gets eaten up right here in this like like building the stupid thing montage. Oh,

we have a really long building the stupid thing montage, do we not? It's just like I'm eating Chinese food. Like you can tell that there's character development here that you are just not getting. It's all volume off, dude,

volume right off. Okay, but at least then give me a good song for the montage. Yeah. But it's not. It's this fucking shitty score they've got.

This pedestrian like that that that that that that that that that. Yes. And you know who ate Chinese food better and had a good music to boot. Ghostbusters. Yes. Oh, I was going to say Roseanne. Oh, that is well. I always liked that theme song.

Oh, it was a banger. I do want to highlight one thing because we said it. We want this to be lighter. I do agree. Those Tim story movies are still terrible. Of course, yes. It's what we have here is the two sides, right? That was like raw. Nothing done to it. This is cooked to shit. This is overcooked and Burr- Oh, yeah. Exactly. Those two sides.

You mean. I need, yes, meddled with. And I need that middle again. I need it. We should quickly mention previous episodes, both of those other Fantastic Four movies. That's right. I believe we actually did the second one live in Portland. That's a thousand years ago.

And yeah, but it's just like there's, like you could kind of see Reed and Sue flirting again via whatever. Reed and Johnny kind of become friends. reading Victor are budding heads It's all sound off baby All sound off dude And because like I've seen other movies And I've read Fantastic Four And watch the cartoon

Like I know what those relationships are So I'm looking at it as like All right well that's All the stuff that makes them interesting And why people like them And although it's just fucking covered up by boom Blup do do do do Yeah listen don't worry about it

We're doing science stuff with these kids We've got to torture a monkey That's what scientists do you see it. Well, that's right. Tim Blake Nelson shows up. The first thing that you really is you get the monkey going through the teleporter. Their big group or into the other world. I forget what's called plan zero. Sorry. They wanted to do the fantastic car. They wanted to do a bunch of different stuff, but

there was like a budget thing too, part of not only just slashing before even that we got to the slashing. They were like, this movie is too expensive, bring it back. I would take this fucking CGI monkey right out. That'll save you a couple million bucks. Like, you know what I mean? Let's just go in there with a creative pencil. Like, oh, this monkey's too expensive. I felt like the monkey should be more integral to the plot. I wouldn't like this monkey to hang out until the ending. Go rent a monkey. Just rent a monkey. How about monkey and then pebble as the thing? We're having fun, folks. You just started a Disney plus show right there. A monkey and the pebble. Let's not bring that in life.

Disney, contact me. That's mine. Copyright. Copyright. But you know, Here's how you save some shekels right here, man. You get Toby Kebbell in there, put some tennis balls on his face, and then you can monkey him up later on. He's got experience playing an ape. It's true. Ape him up. Ape that dude up, man.

That would be cool. Like you go through the portal and you become an ape. Absolutely. But they do the test. They got to do the test with organic matter. So in goes this monkey. And, you know, they go through. Planet Zero.

It appears a bit more primordial, like, Earth, billions of years ago. we're told in, oh, this could be the answer to all our energy problems that the boomers have created. Isn't that interesting? Chimp's vitals are good. Everything's looking good. This is where we get. Johnny tries to do

a hip fist bump to read and reads the nerd and just kind of grabs his fist with his hand like when doing rock paper scissors. Yeah, kind of just like limply smacks it all around a little bit. Do you like stuff? Is there anything you enjoy person? You know, do you want

talk about anything other than just what the plot of this stupid fucking movie is? Oh, oh great fantastic. So they get pissed off because the monkey comes back. Everything's good. The monkey's vitals are good. Tim Blake Nelson is like, oh great, now we'll transfer it over to our boys

at NASA. And they get all mad that they're not going to be the ones who go through it. So let's get wasted up in the control room after hours. I am not sending four babies into the negative zone, ladies and gentlemen. This is not something that I will be signing off on. I mean, obviously not. I am still the cool dad here. It's okay if you drink

under my roof here. Why don't you take that flask Victor Vandumaz? Go upstairs. Get yourself a little buzz on. A point of order here. This is a jaw scene. Is it not? I believe we're in a jaws scene here where they're getting drunk and decide to do the stupid thing. How much is it this flask that it gets? I mean, I know that obviously it reads the lightweight. I imagine at least Johnny's probably drank before and clearly Victor's 29 years old like this flask

should not get these dudes wasted Sue is from Yugoslavia she was baptized in that shit it is a weird thing there's some line about like oh I think we need a refill another refill and I was like another refill from where where's this liquor coming

from it's just the tiny flask no you have a bottle of whiskey somewhere else you're putting it into a flask this is a lab this is military adjacent. They're doing the master stuff where they're drinking the weird shit from the bombs. Oh, the paint thinner and whatnot? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or

maybe they do it drinking some negative zone moonshot. I'm saying negative zone. That's what it is in the comics Planet Zero. That's what they're trying to do. It's called Negative Zone? The Negative Zone. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's what we originally called this show. But then we would be a movie. There's a bullshit thing here where

what's his name? Victor is talking about like, you know, the moon landing and like oh boy you know everybody talks about Armstrong and Aldrin but no one talks about the guys on the ground that built the thing and this is that the other thing and we're those guys we should be remembered just and I was like man point of order speaking of points of order

this guy's a nerd he's referencing the moon landing he is also bringing up the name of Michael Collins yes the dude did not get out but the dude landed on the moon and like this guy if the speech is all about like you know dudes who shouldn't be forgotten you fucking forgot the guy that everybody forgets. Come on, Victor. But also, like, people do know those people.

What you're talking about is celebrity, which is what the first two movies are about. And, like, that is what I, it looks like this new movie is about. Is, like, what is the temptation of celebrity? Like, because people, the people who are interested in that stuff, do know those people for sure.

Right. They are not, they've read the books. But, like, engineered propaganda. It's like, Buzz and Neil, they look good. They're the face of our, you know, NASA. I just mean like he's a dude that's got science on the brain all the time and he would just mention those names in tandem constantly. Like Michael Collins would never be part of the conversation. It doesn't matter. What matters is we got to get drunk and fucking go to planet zero. But we also before we do, Reed's like, you know what? Let me ruin my good friend. I haven't seen Ben

in a little while. Let me ruin his life. Uh, and he's like, hey Ben, I'm really wasted and I'm about to go into Planet Zero. Want to come with me? And the answer is dude, sleep it off. I'll talk to in the morning. That is absolutely I will talk to you tomorrow, buddy. Love you. Reed, why do you keep on saying, show me the way to go home? You sound tired. You should go to bed. Also, you want me to come into

the city now at this hour? Fuck off. Fucking oyster bait. Also, just go get McDonald's. Go to bed. Put on the Simpsons. Chill out, dude. I will talk to you in the AM. I'm going to say you're two years off from that being something. Like, if I was 20 and my friend was like

it's it's 1 a.m. dude you got to come in I got a situation here you need to see this shit and I might just do it then because I'm fucking young I'm stupid I'm probably going to get drunk because he sounds drunk I think we need to send Chris into some kind of

contraption I probably would do that oh yeah of all of us I think I would be the one be like oh what the hell yeah you'd get in a contraption no doubt about it don't put the rocks in there with me, though. I don't want to be Brundle-stoned. What about

Pebble? Pebble? I mean, I would make the worst possible voice. That thing is, I'd be the worst voice for Pebble. I have to... I have a gravelly voice. I would be the one who kills Pebble. Don't compliment yourself too much. Do you catch what happens here when Reed lets Ben into the Baxter building?

I mean, I guess the Baxter Institute's building. I don't know that it's actually named the Baxter building in this abomination of a fucking property adaptation. Oh, I would have welcomed you to the Baxter building, but I was busy doing something else. Do you want your mail delivered to? That's right. We remember in the 2005 film, Stan Lee played a mailman.

And in Rise of the Silver Surfer, he's seen getting kicked out of Reed and Sue's wedding. He's like, I'm Stanley. And then the guy goes, yeah, right, he gets kicked out. That's stupid. When he lets him into the Baxter building here, gigantic Dr. Pepper and Orange Crush soda machines. Oh, hell yeah. Poor little kid from Oyster Bay is like, man, you made it.

Look at that. Wait, that doesn't even take quarters. You just push the button and you get a diet Dr. Pepper. That's amazing. And crush, dude. Orange soda underrated, I'll say. Oh, I like a good orange soda every now and again. More of an orange cream guy, though.

Give me one of those. It's like a once a year deal. It just makes my mouth sticky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. So, you know, you get everything you need.

You got your towny friend from back home. check got your rolled up American flag obviously here we go let's go in this dumb thing and this I just I've always hated this it looks like a fucking blood centrifugal force device that

doctors use like I just want my guys on a spaceship getting blasted by a fucking cosmic storm and look at the question is are they drunk or they not drunk because if they're drunk it's really stupid do you I do exactly you shouldn't even get by the wheel of a fucking car

Dude, T-U-I, dude, T-U-I, teleporting under the influence. Oh, yeah, dude, that's something. You're going to be put into space jail for that. You should go to Denny's a little to another dimension. Like, fucking chill out, dude. Excuse me, no, they should go exactly to Denny's. That's what they should. That would stop all of this.

Somebody had just said Grand Slam. This would all be fucking done with. We'd be fine. But, no, they had to do this. Go to Denny's, just drive with your lights off so the cops don't notice you. We should go to the other dimension. it will be the first guy's ever goes other dimension? What if we went to

Taco Bell? That's a better idea, honestly. What if there's like a Taco Bell? We don't even know about him, Planet Zero. What if Planet Zero doesn't have Taco Bell? We should go to Taco Bell, get some extra Taco Bell, and then we bring it to Planet Zero and be like,

here's Taco Bell. Do you have it? We'll be greeted as Liberators. Actually, my brother's got like, He got some, like, a Malibu in his house. We should go there instead. I could totally get us some cool Malibu cocktails. Okay. Well, let's do that.

But first, I love all these ideas. Let's go to, let's go to Plas Zero. Let's get us to Taco Bell. And let's get us. What's the green stuff? Is that, oh, wait, is that going to be? It can't be. Is that a Walburgers?

Oh, boy. there goes the galaxy well we just put on body python and the holy grail instead that's a good idea too it is a good idea they should take it in the monkey with make this yeah that's true the monkey knows where he's going at least

exactly you can help you out so they get there and they planted US flag and then oh yeah this shot's definitely going on Instagram oh boy oh man thank you very much Michael B. Jordan are going to get assassin like if you

weren't, like, essentially killed in this place. Yeah. You would be shot in the head for Instagramming Planet Zero. That is undisputable. Indisputable. You put the fucking flag in the ground and the floor opens up and mortal combat goose starts coming out. I'm coming back, dude.

Drunk or not, I'm sobering up like that. It's like green lava or something. Yeah. And of course, this Victor Von Doom is like, let's go take a look at it. Not only let's go take a look at it. Let's climb down a mountainside to go take a closer look. You're fucking three sheets to the wind. Well, to Chris's point about how

like this is a Jaws scene, similarly I feel we reference this on our Jaws We Love Movies episode, but like once, like they're singing and dancing and hitting the fucking table, but once that shark hits the boat, all of them are stone cold sober as far as the movie's telling you. That's fair. So I feel like it's a similar movie trope thing like we're wasted. We come up with an idea that's

very like involved and dangerous. and then in the next scene we're doing it and we're all stone colds over. Right, because that Dr. Pepper will wake you up. You think it does. Well, the problem is if you get beer farts in that costume, it's just fucking going right in the glass. It's got nowhere to go.

Oh, yeah. It's collecting. You got to hold it in, dude. See, that would be some levity. I would love like a whole section where they can't stop farting. A whole section. A whole swath of this fucking movie.

Well, we should cut out, should we cut out the scene where Sue and, read meat because I don't want to cut the farting sequence I guess that's kind of integral obviously we'll know that they bet it's fine they'll get it you know what we'll put in a one year later that'll be fine so what Victor von Dumy falls into this green goop after his rope breaks

and they're trying to bring him back up from this stupid expeditions this looks like shit this looked like shit it's all a horrible looks like shit now it's non-descript it's not interesting it's not cool it's just no gray and green

it's the fucking cover for a metal album but like the worst metal album you've ever seen like it's just this green shit underneath the ground and that lights it up and like they all go down there they go to the green stuff

green stuff bad it turn out oh no and then they go back and they get back in and like I cut this is where I'm like the idea here I think is interesting but you've fucked it up

in the way that you do the fact that like it's rocks that get in out of him and that's what it and that that fire blasts Michael B. Jordan. That stuff, I'm like, okay, if you're going to do this, this is an interesting enough way to do it. But then immediately you fuck it up because the minute like he's out, this movie goes completely off the edge of the universe.

Also, though, why does, you can't, because you're doing this like brundlefly thing and like, oh, fire was in Johnny's and fucking rocks were in bends, it doesn't make any sense for Reed. What is Reed's fucking thing? Oh, his leg is stuck, so I guess he's stretched it too much or something. I guess it's just such a lack of vision because you have a, you're introducing another planet in an alternate dimension and it's, guess what, it's, it's, it's barren and unpopulated and boring and nothing happens. You know, well, this happens. They fall down on the goop and the goop gets them, but like, there's nothing there. No creatures. It's a, yeah, exactly. It's a boring landscape. There's no lake. Actually, it's, we're forgetting one, because we're, we're, we're forgetting one, because we're when they go back, something explodes. And this makes sense why Sue is invisible

is because all the lines she doesn't have blasts at her. Right. All the invisibility blasts at her. All of the dialogue and thoughts and things she might do. Blast all the nothing that she is. Blasts right at her. It's like she's becoming an actress in her 30s, so there's no roles for her lines.

By the way, Kate Mara, speaking of being in her 30s, great in friendship. I hadn't seen her in a while and I was like wow She's awesome That's great Really good in that movie She was pretty good in that Dutchman movie We saw Andrew

Not the best movie But she's she's been doing stuff lately She's solid in that I did not see There's she was in like three movies At South by this year The other one is some space movie That I think it's just called astronaut

I don't know if it's out yet It sort of looked like it had bound for shutter Written all over it Not good notices there But yes she is fucking totally awesome in friendship she was really good in that first season of House of Cards like I've liked her and stuff for sure

totally fine and she's got nothing to do here yeah she she comes down she realizes that they're there so she's the one that's bringing them back she just a manually overriding because they what a shock it's broken in some way so she brings them back and then yes also winds up getting hit with something

and you see her like sort of phase invisible like really quickly and then we cut too like it's like the next day or whatever they're in this military facility and the idea and this is where I chuff against your the body horror thing like

the fact that being Mr. Fantastic hurts is so stupid and so irritating to the spirit of this franchise it's like ouch the idea of being fantastic sucks it's like okay great then what am I watching well I mean but that's

he's in pain too I'm sorry read is in pain because that's what the thing says. Well, I think what he's stretching is like is like, owie, owie, ow it. It seems like he's it hurt, right? Oh, yeah.

Okay. That's how he's playing at least. No, I was getting confused because they have that, the stupid, and it's actually kind of feels like it was a little bit stolen from that first X-Men movie where Reed says to Ben, he's like, uh, it, um, does it hurt or whatever? And Ben, because they, oh, right, yes, yeah. It made me think of the Wolverine line. every time. What Ben says

is I've gotten used to it. And I was like, so it just hurts to be that? So that's what I got confused when you said. But yeah, thinking back on it, yeah, Miles Teller's kind of stretched out. He's kind of screaming. I thought he was just scared, but it could hurt too. At the very least, he's uncomfortable all the time.

It may not be like actual pain, but he is like, everything is weird feeling. And again, I like this as an initial idea, but you have to push past that quickly to be, So that we can get some Victor von Doom, who I would like to see more of,

and you fucked it so badly here that I don't even like, all the stuff you're saying about the other characters is absolutely true and they fuck it up in total. They do Victor Von Doom so fucking dirty in this movie. Yeah. I couldn't even see anything else. I was like, why? Where is he?

Why are you focusing on him? Well, because Eric's point, too, like the loss of the lack of vision, like because there's nothing on planet zero, because it literally is a zero there's nothing for him to do you can't even cut back like if there was like a race of like primal people or something

that he is now rising through the ranks with his powers maybe he's like a god to them and the fantastic four has to come and he's there his army that's kind of something and Steve that would also explain why he has a fucking robe later

I don't see any textiles you know there's no factories there's no there's no fields producing the cotton for that robe pal. Yeah, great point. Scenes deleted on the fashion montage of him looking at rabbit hats. Yeah.

Desert rock and green stuff. That's all that's on that planet. And like, again, cut back and have him even do like a Robin to Crusoe on Mars. Like, he's on his own. He's got to figure out how to survive with this new thing that he's got. That would all be fine. I would kill for a campsite. That'd be great. That'd be great.

And also like, you know, we haven't seen it yet because it's going to be in Doom's Day or whatever the fuck it is. But I am not thrilled about the first instance of Victor von Doom in the MCU as just evil Tony Stark. I just have no interest in that. We'll see what they do. It's a ways away. But the fact that it's going to be downy and it's going to be just bad guy Tony Stark and a doctor doom cosplay.

I'm just not super into it. I hope he does a full Eastern European accent. wow we were this is a fantastic four coming for me now let's let's see we're recording this uh wednesday june the 15th so the fantastic four movie comes out in like basically another month from now i am going to put out there i will not be surprised if the stinger in this movie is dr doom related oh yeah that would make total sense i'd buy it they've had enough time now to get him in a fucking doom get up and film some stinger scene to have it at the adjutant end of this movie. Right, because he's not the villain

in this movie supposedly, right? It's Galacto. Yeah, Galactos. Galacto. Galactite? So, we'll move ahead here. Area 57, location classified, where we will spend, you guessed it, the remainder of this movie. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's a warehouse. Those are cheap. God damn. I need more than one set. Why would you need more than one set? Come on. This is beautiful. And that's the other thing that is just awful about this movie is that you know we're talking a lot about like celebrity and stuff that's also part of the charm of the

Fantastic Four is their public facing figures everybody knows what they are they fucking love them like they're you know you get this in the in the trailer for the new one they did it in the two other Tim story movies like they're public things immediately like immediately in that first movie it's like they get back

and like yeah they're public figures and they're the Fantastic Four and like that they have a Fantastic Four mission that happens on a bridge the news media like gets hold of it and they're public and the fact that this movie the entire thing goes through and like the public has no idea what's happened

at all I hate it I hate how like like just insular and small this winds up being because of that your daddy's fantastic for isn't that better though? Right yeah you think it'd be cool as hell to see the thing now recruited

to fight amongst soldiers to help out our boys in battle But you know what? Contextualize it. Let me know exactly what's going on with these missions. Who are we fighting? Let me see a single scene of him doing it, dude, because the only shit we get to see of it is on news footage or security cam shit that Tim Blake Nelson's looking at.

It's like over someone's shoulder, like there's a movie going on. Could you just move, please? Hey, what are you watching? What are you watching? I looked down on my notes and I was just like, wait, did I miss something? I rewound it and then I saw it. my goodness, like, put this on the screen for more than a second. Well, because also, like, let's be honest here.

Like, you know, when, you know, in terms of like Marvel characters, secret soldier missions, like Wolverine makes a lot of sense. You can go in, you know what I mean? He could be nasty with those claws, but also like, you know, sly and steal the key card. Same to with Captain America, too. Like, he'll do some of that stuff. Nick Fury, obviously.

The thing, all he could do is smash dudes into paste. Like, there's nothing else he could do. Like he could maybe rip the tank at half, but he's not like, I'm going to hack the system and make sure that we can reroute the bombs to someplace else. No, he is beating people to death with his large

rock hands. Yeah. If he tries to hack the system or something, it'd be like, sir, do you need a dialing wand? Dude, when I tell you, no shit. I fucking watch that episode during lunch today. But it's, it sucks too, because like, again, the blue eye and ever-loving thing

he's the heart of the team, et cetera, et cetera. Here, when Reid escapes the facility, because someone forgot to lock the door, I guess, because he's doing like, he's doing like, diehard shit in the vents. And like, yes. Ben Grims are, help me. Oh, God, help me. It hurts all the time, Reed.

To suck so much, my asshole is gone. Please, God, help. At that point, like, he hasn't, I guess, fully formed into his rock self because you see it. And it's like, he's got a torso. and his head so he can like yell and scream or whatever but like he doesn't have legs

it's just like rock It's the Gooney's shot It's the Goody's shot when he comes in And he sees a sloth Like And sloth can only like slightly turn To see him It's like almost exactly that shot of him

Like looking down and up at him I'll tell you what Chris Cabin At least the sloth had a fucking TV In his cell That is true he should have a TV Read read I think my eyes are still soft Just fucking lobotomize me Do something

just put fucking, find a spike and put it, find my soft brain in this hand and kill me. That'd be so cool. Them trying out like jack hammers and drills on them. Come on, try to fight if there's gold in me. Just jack me open.

Come on. You know what? Sure, buddy. I just, I got to go. I'll be back though. I'll be back to kill your soft brain. I'll cure your soft brain and your soft eyes and all that. I swear, buddy.

By the way, thanks again. I'll definitely pay you back for that ticket you took from Oyster Bay, brother. Thanks for coming. I got to, I got to take. off, but you enjoy it. Enjoy being a rock monster, dude. Talk to you soon, dude. So, yeah, so Reed is now missing and presumed

alive and somewhere else. Yes. Yes. We do a one year later. Yeah, one year later, Sue's now got blonde hair, so we know we're in reshoot territory. Is that right? Well, anytime, it happens a lot, like she has blonde hair the whole movie, but like, she's

wearing a full on fucking Barbie wig. I gotta say she does not have blonde hair at the start of the movie when she's a regular person. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I think maybe her it gets blunderer. I don't know. But she's wearing a Barbie wiglet towards the end. There's also though, there's also multiple wigs. It's not just a single

she's got at least two that I clocked in this movie due to the reshirts. But yes, it's one year later and now they've been training throughout that year so they can handle their powers better. We're told that they have suits that help handle their powers better. Don't worry. Read invents those in the comics

but nobody gives a fuck about the comics for this movie. but so yeah Ben's doing government missions and now Johnny is like experiment number two he's getting really good of course we can use this guy to fucking bomb Iran in fucking 20 years you know all that shit's going on the fire looks okay I thought human torch looked all right I think like him with the eyeballs it's a cool look that they they get you know what I mean

that kind of always looks good because it's kind of easy to do you know what I mean because you don't need like the detail of the person as much and you just get them flames going and it's fine if they look kind of cartoony or whatever. Of all of him, he looks the best. And I think that goes for what you're going for, like the fact that

he is not himself when he turns into that. Like he's something else. So there's no detail to him whatsoever. It's just his rage and all that stuff. Whereas in the Tim's story ones, it's fireball Chris Evans and it looks horrible. It's like Chris Evans's eyes. It is a little more

detailed. Yeah, you're right. but also what you're talking about Chris would require dialogue and he has done so that's not going to happen. There's like a scene where Sue is like we just want our lives back and he's like I want to help the government for some reason because now I'm a star and I'm like didn't you want to race cars like who are you? Well that's you can see what they're trying to do which is like Johnny is falling under the spell of like having these powers and everybody pays attention to him and Sue has that line about like they're not powers Johnny like they're aggressive like physical deformities that we have to like think you know what I mean

and like in that there is something right there's something about something with that but the movie stops for like just that instance and then that's it it doesn't it doesn't explore that at all and like if that's the way you're going to go you have to open that up a little bit just do real missing that we forgot to film the montage where they're learning this stuff growing as sketches like like the metropolis thing yeah like, oh, this is what we meant. This is what the house would have looked like. And look, even Reggie Kathy is like, I just want my kids back.

And like, they have another scene where he's like, I sure hope you're not going to kill people for the government. And he's like, I really want to do that for some reason. And it's like, okay. I can't wait to bomb a wedding. And they're like, why? By the way, Ben Grimm, we see on a computer screen at one point, 43 confirmed kills. he's looking at. Nice, dude. Not too shabby for just a year of training. You wouldn't get into the kingdom of heaven anyway as a rock monster. Might as well start killing for profit. Forty-three kills,

four of them are above the age of 18, so that's pretty cool. That's pretty special. I think that's nice. Of course, most of them were janitors in area 57. I turned around real quick and I didn't see them. I don't think they felt anything. I think they died quickly. I don't think that was too bad. I don't think that was too bad. Is he eating? Is he peeing? I mean, not to be that guy, but what are we doing? Like, even like a little bit like, because does he have any joy in his life whatsoever? Now, Mr. Caca, Mr. Peepie.

Well, because like in those other movies, like the ones from the aughts, like I'm pretty sure you see Ben Graham like eating popcorn or something. He's having a good time. He's dressed like Tony Soprano a lot of those movies. So does the, do the comics. answer this or is he is he peeing pebbles is he taking a big old boulder you know we don't know that but we do know that he eats food and he like like he hates being a rock monster for a while and it kind of always bothers him but he lives with it he like has fun you know like that'd be and also by the

way when you see him this is some clay fighter ass shit by the way the thing looks like a special character in the 1997 fucking video game clay fighter but hey it looks better it looks better than Miles Teller stretching out when we finally get back to him this is such a fucking I like even I was like maybe Tim Story did this better it's possible like

it looks so bad Tim is the 2005 stretch Armstrong better than this one well again it's it's my whole thing about the aesthetic with which you're watching it in like they both look stupid But it's more acceptable in the Tim story movies.

Did he direct the second one? In the first one, he directed both. In those, like, yeah, it looks dumb, but like, it's like fun dumb. Just like, you know, like, chickless is in a suit. It's fucking stupid, but like, it's part of the charm you could argue of that movie. You know what I mean? They're doing stuff, there's doing, like, there's a lot of stuff done with that, especially in the second one, like what his powers are.

Yes. like they actually do it whereas like I feel like all of this was to get the shot of his long arm with like all the veins right like I feel like that was everything that's what really mattered to him is that like that looked correct and I'm like well his six

foot bicep looks fucking cool yes I mean that was it it's kind of the one thing that's kind of cool so reads off the grid they don't know where he is we cut to like I don't know somewhere in South America I believe it is that's what I was trying to clock I think so yeah but you see this like Latin

guy buying some supplies from this other guy like fixing stuff and you're like, is that? And then like he does this cool thing where he shakes his face and now he's Reed Richards again. I get it because you can stretch your skin. That's kind of a cool idea. Sure. Yeah. That's not. Yeah. It was a little bit of a neat

note. Exactly. One point. That's one point. You have one point. Good for you. But yes, Sue, because she's good with patterns, figures out where he is. Oh, but she's not. She's got to put on the headphones and listen to music because she needs music

when she works, you know. And then she computes really hard. And she finds the screen name which is based on 2,000 leagues under the sea. That's something. 20,000 leagues. You've got to go a little deeper there, buddy. But also. Captain Nemo, yes, because it's a reference with a conversation

they had earlier. Oh, when he's fucking mansplaining the book to her in the library earlier on. I love doing that. I love walking to a library, finding the nearest woman being like, well, you know what actually happened in that book? And then I say, Everything incorrect. So the Great Gatsby is an alien, you see?

To our land. You know, that's why it's the green light across the bay. That's not natural. That's from his ship that was just landing. Oh, there it is. Catcher in the Rye is about a bakery, you understand. To make it all this rye bread and all this bread has fallen down. He's picking it all up the whole time catching it.

This bread, for some reason, it makes you want to kill the president. And the wild part about it is the. guy that's catching the bread, he's a washed up Major League Baseball catcher. Wow. That's right. He has to go move back to his hometown. He gets a job at the bakery. And it's sort of a will they

won't they with the girl from high school that also works at the bakery. But then yes, of course. Oh shit. Now we're just describing a Hallmark Christmas movie. We should write that. Catcher in the Rye, the Hallmark movie. Yeah. Slaughterhouse 5. It's about a guy

named Tom Slaughterhouse and his four brothers. They're big and rasseling. They run a butcher shop. It's just the movie The Iron Claw. Yeah, yeah. One of them leaves the Slaughterhouse, you see, and goes into professional wrestling and becomes Sergeant Slaughter.

Oh, there you guys. Sergeant Slaughter origin story. It's not good. Tony Slaughter House, you got to come back home. The sausage ain't the same since you went into the wrestling ring. It doesn't taste the same. oh man so president nerd is like all right hey uh the thing you're gonna go to south america

with some military dudes and get you're gonna kidnap him and bring him back in all in this incredibly rushed and sloppy movie this is the most rushed and sloppy sequence of the entire movie it's unbelievable because it should be like a fight it should be like a set piece and it's none of like he's like yeah i'm gonna finally get he's like yeah i'm gonna finally get would with Reed and like I think Reed is like Ben I'm sorry he's like oh yeah punch end of sequence it's like

30 second if this was a set piece and he was you know Reed was fighting these you know soldiers a little longer and then eventually like you'd even have like you know the thing hides in a bunch of rocks ha ha right you know and gets the drop of there's a million things you could do

with this but instead yes we get the stretchy arms he punches a few people the thing shows up head butts him and we're done. That's it. Then we're back in the plane. We're finally back in the cheap base again. Thank God. They got 30 seconds of action. We better get home.

Because there's nothing else to do with Richard. Like after you do the stretchy punch and he can duck and like move away from anything, what else is there? Like you should have a hundred things on a list somewhere. What else he can do? Oh, you know where that list is, dude?

It's in fucking 60 years of fucking comic books that you could have looked at. There's a hundred things here that you could have done but like I can tell the whole thing is like ah but like what is he gets stretchy no we gotta save that for the end that's gonna be the big one is he gets stretchy

also the crazy thing is like so Reed's whole thing for going away as he says he's been trying to like find a cure right which you know compared to the first movie where he tells Ben fucking three minutes after the accident I will help fix you yeah this is like a year later this dude

has like vaguely been working on something that when he is rendition back to Area 57. We don't even see what he was working on. He doesn't bring it with him. So that's all just fucking nothing, I guess. It's nothing. Well, in this movie, the suits are what keep them normal.

So he's developed his own suit. Oh, right. He built his stretchy suit. Yes, because the suits that read Richards makes in the comics allows them to wear clothes, but they control their powers with or without them, basically. It answers the question, like, well, why would his suit stretch? Because he made it. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, we're brought back. And when they bring him back to the base, this is now Sue Storm and wig number two. She's wearing an even worse wig now. Couldn't we call it Kirby Air Force Base maybe? Like, couldn't that be so? Wouldn't that be nice?

Oh, no. No, no, because a play on Area 51's funny because it hasn't been done a thousand times already to see. I'm going to tell you something there, Mighty Marvelite. They had that idea and I shot it down. that's where Kirby that's where Kirby belongs to be in the ground you understand it's going to be the area 57

and the Lee runway is what they're in I shot it down like I shot down Jack Kirby's son's kite that one time they were just having a nice Sunday picnic but I couldn't stand it Stan soapbox my wife thought it was a very weird date night but I had a good time

I really enjoyed myself I think those Kirby's are having to pick her Stad, leave those people alone. Now, I said when you married me, Jessica, the thing I like doing for fun more than anything else in this world is fucking with that Kirby family. So you either get on board the stand train

or you don't. So I'm smoking a J, taking the revolver to the park, you see. I saw that kite and I had to shoot it. We're going to go to a Ruby Tuesdays after this. Just calm down with all your complaining. So, yeah, you know, Sue, you see, he asked, read as Sue, you know, hey do you ever wonder what it would be like if you and your dad hadn't been trolling my high school science fair that day and she's like yeah we probably wouldn't be fucking monsters and victory would be alive sure i would throw this right back in this asshole's face i'm like hey you ever think uh if you didn't get drunk like an asshole and uh ruin all of our lives what if that happened yeah because you wanted glory or some horse shit like how do you sleep at night you stretchy fuck

And he's looking at what they're calling, like, Gate 2, you know, and he's got this line, You made it ugly. And I'm like, I don't know, man. I'd argue that this design is sleeker and nicer looking than your shitbox that broke down. I argue that there's nothing that looks good in this movie at all. Everything is ugly. Every single frame. This could be a quote for the movie, you made it ugly.

That actually encapsulates the entire movie. Good call. It's either ugly or anonymous. Those are the two modes this movie has. Wasn't that that movie that Bob Dylan was in? Ugly and Anonymous. No, that's masked and anonymous. Ugly and Anonymous is me in public.

I love it. No, ugly and mistaken for Richard Churness. That's what you're thinking. Michael Chirniss. Yeah, people walk up to me and be like, gee, gee, golly, is that Michael Churness? Oh, my God. How was he that famous? I loved you.

I loved you with Joe Swamberg's easy. I just, I thought you were fantastic. Oh, Joe was it. That's serious. Is that, is that Mistress America's Michael Churness? Who was watching all these movies? Oh my God, it's Marvel's the Tinkerer.

I've been known to tinker. But this is around also where Johnny steps up and is like, you know, well, who's to say this isn't the important thing I'm supposed to do with my life? Why did you just assume that I wouldn't want to do this anymore? And it's like, dude, you have no understanding that they plan on, turning you into like a fucking military drone buddy yes exactly that hasn't been fucking you know you've been doing a bunch of fun like oh i got you know this many hundreds of feet high in the air in this many seconds and i went this fast and yeah they're clocking all those stats buddy but

they are turning you into a weapon and you don't understand it so we do launch number two with a bunch of astronauts they go over there and make it out safely and they're pointing out oh the landscape's changed which i think is a line we have to put in because one fucking graphic company left and another one came in and the shit didn't match up so they're like quick read say that the landscape changed dude you didn't have to say shit because i didn't notice anything because it's all gray purple horse shit but the difference is almost all of that green is completely eradicated and yellow is there instead oh okay that sucks yep it's super sucks uh and then this is where dude thinking about this because i saw the movie over the weekend and then i was watching this

you know just the other day but uh this visual sighting they have of dr. Dune when he's got the cloak, but he's way far away and he looks like he's kind of jacked and they're like, oh, it appears to be humanoid or whatever. Was I the only one that was thinking of 28 years later's alpha and his huge dick at that moment? Oh, yeah. Slap at his thighs. Look out.

Oh, my God. What a magnificent prosthetic penis that guy's got in that movie. It's a pretty good cock. But yeah, they're like, oh, there's a heat signature. It looks humanoid. Better go closer and look at it. Yeah, of course. And that once, no one ever is like, no, it's possible we're going to go

look, try to find the remains of Victor Von Doe. Like, nobody gives a flying fuck about getting that dude's remains back on the other side of the door. No, thank you. Well, that's because Mama Von Doom hasn't been writing enough letters. She's got to do it. Where is my boy? Where is my Vicky? Give me a Vickie's. I do the Vicki's ashes.

The funny thing is, I think somebody does say something about, like, is it Victor? And to which Tim Blake Nelson says it's impossible that it's Victor. And I was like, well, how do you you know. You don't know anything about what's going on over there. This is the first trip back in at least a year since you rebuilt the machine. A member

of the military saying that they know something for sure and then turning out they don't. I won't hear it. I'll tell you, if it is Victor, we'll find him and we'll deport him back to Latvia. We'll do that right away. Don't worry about his mother. She's been taken care of. Okay. She's

resting nicely under about 20 feet of dirt. So here is, just the dumbest and ugliest part of this movie the way that they make Victor von Doomed look with like they're like oh his fucking travel suit fused to his body or whatever

alright is part of this because the actor I believe was not available for these reshoots so they just decide to do this I don't know yeah I think that's why you don't see any of him it's just a it looks like a cheap plastic Halloween mask over somebody because like his mouth is sealed shut but you can like hear him totally fine

you can't see his eyes at all it drives me crazy because this and because I didn't I don't like those Stim Story movies but Julian McMahon's version of this is actually more close to what Victor von Doom actually is like the whole thing with him is that he like is obsessed with his

image and he has like one or two like little things go wrong during the wave and he can't take it. Like, he can't take it that he's a human. He thinks about his mortality too much. So he puts the suit on over him. And, like, Kirby and Lee went off. Like, Kirby especially

had, like, a lot to say about what like he was and what he meant. And, like, June McMahon gets it correct. Like, he's obsessed with his image. He doesn't want to be a human. And this is just like, I don't know. It melted on him and he wants to destroy everyone. Vague bad guy.

He wants to save the planet that we don't know anything about or if there's anybody there he loves or anything. It's just like, no, he wants it because it planet died. Does he have a hut that he sleeps in? That's my question. Guys, look, he tells them up front. The planet

kept him alive. What else do we need? The planet kept him alive. Not only that gave him power. Because basically, he's in a medical suit. They bring him back. And Tim Blake Nelson's like, well, I'm in the movie. God damn it. I looked on page

58 and I'm not even moleman. yet what's going on i guess i'll have to be the leader in a bad movie if this is the case and this is the best segment of the movie to me is when timbrelake nelson gets his face popped by victor vons here it's great it's fucking great and then he's walking down the hallway just popping heads like i'm going to squish your head i'm squishing your head this only slightly explains why when michael b jordan comes in in the beginning comes back uh He goes over to Doom and is like, oh, is that Adolf over there? I'm like, what the fuck?

What did he do? Like, wait a minute. What, what happened here? And I'm like, oh, well, I guess he likes popping people's heads off. But what did he do this before? Are we bringing him back after he already did? No, he's not European-ish. So that's what that is.

Even though he's got a fucking Yorkshire accent. And he calls him, he also calls him Borat later in the movie as well. But like, if that's the case that he should be doing kind of a Borat voice. You know what I mean? He makes now that, okay, now that I'm thinking about it, he's got the eight off line, because yes, he's vaguely Eastern European, and then he's a, oh, don't mind Borat. Borat's a dick. Yeah. He's got more jokes to Dr. Doom than he does to the thing in this movie.

They don't talk to each other. No, not at all. I actually looked it up on IMDP because Jamie Bell and Kate Mara are or we're married. They still are. They have no dialogue with each other. Sue Storm and Ben Grim do not talk to each other in this film Awesome

Well let's save that chemistry for off screen Yeah well they probably just had plenty of downtime to get to know each other But and like so like This is the most chronicle it gets like this violence I think is very chronically And if like you've made me sit in this fucking miserable aesthetic for the Fantastic Four At least now I'm getting some head pops but this is where, dude, I fucking paused it.

Right when he starts attacking everybody, this is the 20 minutes. The movie starts with 20 minutes of the movie left. And it's crazy because he just like fucks off to the other dimension and starts sucking this dimension, the Pacific Northwest, it seems, into the other dimension. The whole thing here we're told is the earth, the entire earth is being sucked through the gateway.

into this world and it's being turned into energy that's helping power the world, that's at least what Dr. Doom says at some point. All right. Sure. Cool. Yeah. It's, it's cool. Sure.

Yeah. I mean, this fight is like, they kind of, you know, he's like, oh, somebody says like, oh, he's stronger than us. And Reed is like, yes, he is, but he's not stronger than all of us. And, like, they finally do the fantastic four with. I'm looking at 13 minutes left on the clock. We should say Victor von Doom kills Reggie Kathy, who's headlocked. Oh, sure.

And like that gives Michael B. Jordan a little something to do. He's like, no, my dad. My daddy. My daddy's been killed. Because he, Reggie Kathy's final lines are to the kids and he says, look after each other. Yes. Because his whole thing has always been like, if you work together, it's going to be better. If you work together, it's going to be better.

Like that's his like kind of ethos. So I guess that is a lesson we've learned in this fucking coloring book. I will admit maybe a lot of my positivity for this movie the little that is left is because of Reggie Kathy I really do think

that they allowed him to do this role like it's just crazy that they would cast him in this role to begin with like you wouldn't imagine that he would have that kind of big role

he has like he's like after the main five he's like right after it would have to be oh it's like like Nelson level and I love him Tim Heidecker then Oh, okay, sorry, yes, I forgot about

Hydecker. He is very good in this movie, but he dies. It's like, yeah, it's like he's sucking everything in. It's like, oh, no, it's turning everything into garbage. We should do something or something. And like they trick, basically the thing just, it's not even like a cool fight. The thing, they like fake him out and the thing just punches him into a laser beam

and he disintegrates. Well, don't forget, he first says, there is no victor. there is only doom and then we throw him into the force field speaking of Ghostbusters we're having fun there it's clobbering time uh oh he hit his own

laser ill-defined world it's shredded by his own energy beam is what I wrote the last thing you're going to hear on this earth is what my older brother used to say when he abused me that's cool I'm taking it back I guess reclaiming it

fun with it doer You know, I'd have a problem with that, but honestly, I left the movie. I left, I was, I had to go to the bathroom and I was like, do I want to go back to that? Do I really want to go back to that? So they come back to Earth and where Area 57 was, there's a huge hole in the ground. The military wants to continue their relationship. The Fantastic Four demands their freedom and they demand their own building. And this is we get central city in California.

which was just the, you know, it was the name of the town that they launched out of in California, but whatever, call a building central city, whatever. It's the nickname, like some dude is taking him through on a tour like, this dude is nobody. And he's also like, oh, and, you know, we've been here a long time, but I guess you're our boss now. I'm like, what was this place? What was going on here? Oh, this is area 58 maybe. Oh, maybe. Oh, okay. And then it's just the final scene in this movie somehow is the dumbest scene of the movie. where they're just all standing like looking over a balcony out on their huge lab that they have now and whatever and you know we should have our own name and we go through this fucking naming

thing and blah blah blah shut the fuck up the last line is last line is not saying the name that last it's like I got it by the way I scream two by the way everybody likes stream two

I got it by the way heaven the fuck forbid no just heaven this is the movie you paid you paid to see you paid to see we're not embarrassed to even say it out loud the whole gag is just terrible about

you know the thing being like oh it's this building it's fantastic say that again credits and then it says fantastic four in the you know, that's the title card in the end. It's just such a big, fuck you for coming to this movie.

Good night. That's, ugh, oof. Woo-wee. Sorry, everyone. That was a doozy. Not great. Was I the only fucking worthless garbage person on this show that saw this movie in theaters?

Absolutely. I saw it in theaters. Oh, no. I saw it first time a few hours ago. Okay, excellent. So Chris and I are the worthless garbage men that saw this movie. I watched it in 2050 to 2050. 2016, I think doing like

worst of research for that year. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, this is he sucks so bad, why would we bother? I just had to let it marinate for a fucking decade, dude. Yeah, that's fine. This was the first film. I just found this in the trivia, which I thought was kind of funny the way it ends.

The first film to be screened of more than 4,000 theaters in the United States of America that made less than $100 million domestically at the box office, making a mere $56.1 million. It remained the lowest grossing 4,000 theater film release until the Nut Job 2,

nutty by nature. Oh, my God. And that demonstrates, like, this is such a losing track record with this franchise that that's why they needed Pedro. They feel like that makes it bulletproof. They just needed something that makes it more like what people even expect, kind of.

You know what I mean? true as well, yes. It would be good to have a good one of these. If they could get one that is like reasonably, like, I don't have, it doesn't have to be a home run. I need just like a good third base hit. You get me a third base hit? I'm very happy.

Yeah, do a triple. That's fine. I mean, yeah. Like, it sucks that this movie, because I remember being excited when this movie came out thinking, like, oh, okay, you know, like we got burned by those Tim story movies. Yeah. Maybe this will be different or something. and what you got here is essentially

it's a Fantastic Four movie it's a reboot but it's also like a Marvel what if situation like what if the Fantastic Four was just grim dark shit and it's the worst what if of all time I have to say even worse than what if Howard the Duck and What's Her Face from Thor had a baby because that's a thing I watched on Disney Plus that's lovely that's something fantastic fuck with that duck dude him and Darcy they have a baby it's disgusting.

Ew. That's cute. So do they show him like going down or what's fun? No, but it's like a magic egg that comes out of her and they're trying to chase it down. It's a disgusting 30 minutes but nothing as bad as this. We'll go

around the horn here for some final thoughts. As we're giving final thoughts, well he gives some official final thoughts. Chris Cabin, official final thought. Official final thoughts here. It's a horrible movie. You should not see it. um i i find it interesting for my own stupid reason i like body horror quite a bit i do like that that was the idea and then immediately they fuck up the idea so like i have nothing really to celebrate

but it was nice that they had an idea i guess as compared to the other two where i'm just like oh this is like the modern version of those like disney movies where like don knott's is a doctor but now he's a turtle but the turtle is still taking patience yes yeah and i'm just like i hate that too. I don't like any of this. And like, again, if you can get me a nice middle, you know, in this new one, I would be really happy. I don't need to end well, because I know they won't. But is it one of those

Don Nott's movies, hot lead and cold feet? Doesn't he turn into a horse in that movie or something? I know there's one who turns into a fish. Fish. Oh, yes. It does turn to a fish. That's right. I don't know. But yeah, bad. Don't watch. Yeah, there you go. Eric Siska. Yeah, we should definitely watch that fish movie with

Don Nots. It's got to be better than this. No, I know, because I've seen it, it is better. My goodness, I think this is one of the worst movies we've ever done. I've never seen this until today. I just cannot believe bad decision after bad decision. And I don't know who's to blame. I'm not here to assign blame. I thought Capote was better than this for the record. But we should say also directed by Matt Shackman. That's the third feature film he's directed. Wasn't that Trank? Or Trank. Excuse me. You're talking about Capone. yeah Capone not Capote

I said Capote yeah he's like Capote and I heard Capone and then I said the wrong director's name because I'm looking at the letterbox page for first steps and said Matt Jackman I don't know Capone Capone Capote

Capone Capote you guys you guys meet each other I'm hosting the Oscars there it is that's my final thought there you goes yeah Steve yeah no I saw some of Capone in a bar

with the sound off. The sound was off, but I got the gist of it. And it's got Capone with a golden Tommy gun shooting people down in a sane asylum or an Alzheimer's clinic or something. It doesn't look very good is what I got. Yeah. It's his final years. Okay. That's a two, that's a two star movie. This is a half star movie. But I think this speaks to the problem with our development of of young directors that sort of show some promise. And again, Chronicle is not a great movie. It might not even be a good movie. I haven't seen it in a long time. But the thing of it is, that movie

made money and caught interest and like, hey, this director might have something. Let's give him $150 million at a project that he has no interest in making and see what happens. And that's what we do far too often as opposed to like, hey, here's a $30 million, what do you want to do with it? You know what I mean? Well, that's a problem,

Steve, is there's no more mid-budget movies. It's like ever. So, And there's no more, there's no more negotiation. The idea would be like, you get a little less control of this new, this second movie, but you get so much more money to do things with. You get to, like, you have to, but like, that's supposed to be like, you're supposed to dilute your, uh, your power on set by like 40%. Now it's 80.

Like, even 90. Like, it's crazy. And so you get, you get abominations like this, which is not even a movie. It's like, I don't, I would be sort of interested. He said repeatedly that they'll never be. a trang cut, which I'm fine with. But just out of curiosity, I'd probably give it a spit if it ever existed. Oh, you're curious.

I'm not going to march in the streets about it. Because I also think this is just a bad idea. It's a bad idea for a fantastic four movie. At the core, this is a very bad idea for a fantastic four movie. I'm curious to see what the MCU version looks like. The trailers look fun. We'll find out in a couple of days. But, you know, just this is...

And also, I cannot underline with Chris said enough. Just because this movie is terrible does not make the two. story movies good, just because the sequels might not have been your favorite doesn't make the prequels good. We just got to be, we got to be consistent on this stuff. Like the enemy of your enemy is not

your friend, the enemy of your enemy can be convenient. That's the idea. That's it. There you go. That's good. I think still because I rewatched all of them, even the Corman, which you can find on YouTube, the Corman one I think is the best because it's probably. I don't know why. It just

kind of is. The other thing that's missing from this movie to sort of humor the notion of family right like so much of this is like they are a family and they are the fucking first family of the Marvel universe and in this movie they're all just kids that hate each other

so again it's just dumb real bad I am fucking embarrassed about that three star original rating that is fucking come drunk from the theater that's all that is what happened you in that theater? Oh do you want to know but no just that notion of like oh man i just came out of a big bombastic movie and there was even a remote amount of body horror in it oh yeah three stars yeah i was real dumb i was real dumb 10 years ago and i feel like

i hit the head a little better here with uh one and a half stars because that's what this deserves and maybe even less like eric was saying but now nothing here is good or enjoyable it's just a huge mistake and the mid-budget movie thing is like yeah you made your little chronicle movie in 2012 this comes out in 2015 so like you had basically two years to learn how to be a big budget movie director and that's the problem with this stuff is there's no first steps to getting to where you're a big blockbuster director and not everybody can just like make the jump from a little movie to a big one it just isn't natural a lot of the time and so like that's why like we shit on these directors for you know the product or whatever and like the chloe jow of

Eternals and everything, like, but so much of it is not their fault. Like, they're just not at that point in their career when they can fucking juggle something like that. I'm sorry. And, like, you made one movie. And then you got handed a big fucking superhero franchise in the case of Trank here. Like, nah, nah, no. Yes.

Also, a big superhero franchise, you didn't want. Is that the second part of the same? So is that a, is that a thing? That I had not read anywhere, but he didn't want to do this movie? Well, no, just like, well, he was like, oh, you know, I kind of watched the cartoon a little bit as a kid, but I kind of, you know, you know what I mean? Like, that's what this is. Like, these aren't, and not that you have a big, big fan of it, but like,

Tim Burton wanted to make a Batman movie, you know what I mean? Like, I'm sure it wasn't his top number one thing you wanted to do, but it was like, I could do Batman. I love Batman. Blah, blah, blah. And then you get that. You know what I mean? Like, it matters.

Right, right, right, right. I was just looking up because I'm pretty sure we had one, two. And also, Chloe Zhao didn't know what the Eternals was. They gave her a page with fucking four titles on it. She said, yeah, that sounds the most interesting. interesting, let's go with that. I still don't know what the Eternals are.

Good point. Lucky you. New to she. But John Snow's going to be that dude with the sword, right? What that is? Or something, the Black Knight or whatever that character is set up at the end of that movie.

Him in Blade? Oh, God. Maybe in another 10 years we'll be talking about how bad the Blade movie was. Maybe it'll finally come out. But anyway, that is going to do it for this episode on Josh Tranks 2015. Fantastic 4. If you want more We Hate Movies,

including shows where you're talking about better movies like We Love movies, where this month we've been talking all about Jaws on We Love movies, head over to that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. If you're, yeah. Oh, if you're not, if you're not sick of hearing us talk about the Fantastic Four, you could listen to our animation damnation episode on that very cartoon that Josh Trank saw with the sound off as a kid. It is a really fun episode. There's a Roseanne reference. It's really

silly it is a lot believe it or not it's more fun to engage with a property that is more fun and that is that cartoon even though i don't like that either it is a lot more enjoyable and i think it shows on that episode we're having a lot of fun and it's kind of a big honk and animation damnation that's right we we get going on our superheroes man what else we got going on chris cabin we got merr o210 as always you know the daddy wars is to bed we finally put it to bed now we have to do with addiction era we're dealing with Kelly's addiction to

diap pills we're dealing with the gambling addiction is still around it's still having its time and Allison drinking a little bit too much it's coming back it's coming back

oh yeah and of course sex madness as always on the other plates just firing off we're also firing off on the Gleap glossary this month there

we got a fun one there yes we are talking about Admiral Pietz so if you wanted to know about where he was born and raised. Tune into the Gleap Glouclery, our Star Wars Shide show,

where we have a lot of fun kicking around the old EU continuity. Hell yeah. And of course, our Star Trek Recap show The Nexus will be out again this month going through TOS, TAS, and TNG, such as they are. But as always here on the main feed and also on Patreon, you can get these

We Hate Movies episodes. Commercial free, by the way. Steve Sadek, we are talking about which motion picture to close out, I should say, I mean, how crazy is this? Next week, we are closing out the 15th season of Wee Hey movies. Holy shit, season

finale on it's got to be night at the museum for some reason. Well, you know, we always like to mix it up with the family films. They're generally the grosser, more outrageous episodes that we produced. See our Beethoven episode for a whole weeks ago.

And it's going to be a lot of fun. You know, there are little people in that. I imagine they poop little pebbles. Yes. Do they talk? We don't know yet. I've never seen it. I will say. Yeah, I've never seen that either. Me neither, actually. Chelsea saw it though and she told me it was real stupid. So that's enough for me to go on. So I'm excited. A lot of first

looks next week on the season finale of We Hate Movies. We're talking all about 2006s, I think. Night of the Museum. If that year is wrong, I'll correct it next week. But until then i've been andrew jupin steven siddak eric ciscar chris gabin take it easy Thank you.