We Hate Movies - S15 Ep813: Night at the Museum

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

“He’s a little hobgoblin in this one!” - Steve on Mickey Rooney On the season 15 finale of WHM, we’re chatting about the hyper-successful, super-weird family film, Night at the Museum! How obnoxious is this day-dreamer, inventor character they have Stiller playing? Has no one else ever worked late at this museum besides the security team? Is there no overnight janitorial staff? Did anyone else have “Mickey Rooney Fight Scene” on their Night at the Museum bingo card? Could this script have cared any less about Carla Gugino’s character? And dear lord, Ricky Gervais in Big Box Hollywood films, glad those days are gone! PLUS: Should we bring back Mickey Rooney Old Man insults like “hopscotch” and “hot dog” and “cement mixer”? Night at the Museum stars Ben Stiller, Carla Gugino, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Bill Cobbs, Jake Cherry, Ricky Gervais, Patrick Gallagher, Rami Malek, Charlie Murphy, Steve Coogan, Mizuo Peck, Paul Rudd, Anne Meara, Brad Garrett, Crystal the Monkey, Owen Wilson, and the late, great Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt; directed by Shawn Levy. Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

New York City. Get ready for a surprise. We are going to be doing a live anniversary show this December at the Bell House in Brooklyn on Dramatic Pause. Total Recall! Yes, the Good One from 1990. This December marks 15 years of We Hate Movies and we can't think of a better way to celebrate than to do a big, fat, live show in our hometown on one of Arnold's best. We can't wait to take the stage and talk about movies. Quato, three-breasted women, Sharon fucking Stone,

slimy Ronnie Cox, and of course, howdy Quaid, Arnold himself. There literally might be too many Arnold impressions in this one. We might get arrested. It's going to be a serious situation. Tickets are available now, and they're going to go fast. So you want to go to wh-hmpodcast.com slash tour to get your tickets to our live show for Saturday, December the 6th. You do not want to miss our kick-ass 15-year anniversary show on Saturday.

December the 6th on Total Recall. So go to WHMpodcast.com slash tour right now and snag those dicks. See you at the party, Richter. This week on the program, well, I feel like we've avoided this one as long as we possibly could. It's night at the museum.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Oh, wow. Stephen Sadek. Incoherent gibberish, Eric Siska. Teddy Roosevelt. And this is the season 15 finale of We Hate Movies. Woo!

Hello everyone. Welcome to Wee Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. That's right. Oh, my God. We're at the, uh, the dregs of summer, which means it is time for us to go in hibernation, get our little angry uncle bear naps in for the rest of the summer. But we didn't want to leave you hanging without talking about 2006's night at the museum directed by I found this out yesterday. Sean Levy. Yikes. Eric, you want to help me get my ice cube in here. I need. need it for hibernation times because I need to keep this cave cool. Alright, come on come on, get your back into it. Here he is. He's a very good actor. He does comedy and drama Ice Cube. Wow. He's going to talk to me while I sleep.

Man, I'd love that. This Ice Cube just whispering things while I just slowly lull myself to sleep. I personally wanted there to be a 23 Jump Street. Hell yeah. Those movies are funny. Anyway, So, had anyone seen this before today? I mean, because there's a big enough title,

so I know a lot of us are winging it. I had seen the first hour with my cousins while taking care of their kids. I call my nephews and nieces, of course, they're my cousin's kids. But I hang out with them. I watched like an hour as like, oh, we could do this immediately. It's like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, we can absolutely do this. Chris Cabin Selects.

It was a. nice way to ease back into doing movies featuring Robin Williams. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Is this, we're breaking it finally? I think so, right? Because he's in this, right? Yeah. We don't know. But

that, this is not a Robin Williams. No. No, no, no, but I just, you know, but I just mean, like, as far as Robin Williams being on screen. Yes. Like, because, or did we, did we do that animated Aladdin on AD feature length yet? No, we've not. No, we have not. No, we have not. Okay. So, yeah, we haven't that. I think this is it. I think this is the first time since he's passed that we've covered a movie that he's been in in some capacity. Well, I hope

he comes to life at night. He might. You don't know that. I don't know that. Yeah. Well, you know who does come to life at night? Who's that? VHS man. Oh, no. Coming soon to the HHS of VHS man. It's a

VHS, a VHS man. I like this. It sounds like a venereal disease. It's not garden back out. You know, I know that Cornell's gone, but get somebody else out there. Maybe we can get this work. You know my name, VHS man. Oh, my God.

Yes. So, yeah, we are back at it. Of course, Night at the Museum came out in 2006. So we do not have a VHS. The only VHS I could find was for a Korean release. Koreans were still having VHS at the time. Good for them. Yep.

North or south? I didn't check but I didn't want to put you through having to guess you know penguin lessons or I am with you 34 I would have gotten all that I'm sure you would I even know what the penguin lessons is I do I actually Oh you do

Oh okay So we went back at time once again to look at Summer extravaganzas of old And what do we land on we landed on spawn. Oh, IW. Spawned. Yeah, the summer of child kidnapping, right, Steve? Yeah, well, pretty questionable comic book adaptation, I'll say. I feel like if I tell that story one more time, I'm going to go to jail. So it's in the archives. You can find this. Just go find it. Ask your friends. Safe move, Steve. Good job. So I know we have a lot to get through today, so I want to get dive right in with this. We have

six today. So I want to get people before the big one, I want people to get some time. This is, Eric especially, this is 30 points, buddy. You can hit these fuckers. Hey, I've already given up. It's all right. No, you got to try. Come on

now. Dude, why are you giving up when I'm fucking playing the game? Come on, man. Yeah, please. There is competition here. Let's start. This adaptation of an old popular TV show is partially remembered, if at all, due to a major TV star of the 90s

being second bill. Adaptation TV show, this is like 97 to spawn, right? Yeah, or mid-90s. Eric? The Avengers? No. I thought that was close, right? That was a TV show, right? That was. Yeah, that was a TV show. I'm going to guess the

Mod Squad. Nope. Oh, wow, that's... Could I hear the clue one more time? time just this adaptation of an old popular TV show is partially remembered if at all due to a major TV

star of the 90s being second billed Steve it is lost in space it is indeed yay yeah yeah see the the problem was I said a popular TV show there the mod squad you see no yeah well hey

I just saw that that movie's getting like a a nice gussied up 4K release and I'm like, look, I don't, I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but why are you wasting your time with that shit? That movie sucks. Claire Daines doesn't want to remember that. She will tell you to still watch Homeland. She doesn't want you to watch the boss. So what does that tell you here? Ready for number two guys? Yes. Oh, yeah. Okay. This beloved science fiction puzzler was its director's follow-up to an infamously cursed

production oh oh oh uh is it even is it 12 monkeys it is not damn how about uh we kick the can get another hint there oh Andrew dark city correct yes the crow troubled production oh of course yes I just assume every Terry Gilliam production is troubled that guy's had a lot of bad luck in his life yeah that's fair some of it his own Some, you know. All right. So, number three. All right.

This video game adaptation is best remembered for replacing the biggest star of its predecessor with James Rymar. Oh, Stephen. That is, indeed. Yes, Raiden. Oh, right. Hey, I'm playing Raiden now. What do you think about that? How is that?

Is Dexter stop doing that? Dexter, stop that. Stop killing that person. Stop that. Dexter, you got to control your feeding frenzies. I feel like when James rumor is at the con, you know he's going to the con.

Like, every 28th person is like, I loved yours raided. He's like, yeah, I was raided. He's like, yeah, I was raid in 25 bucks. And they're like, okay. And then he takes the picture and he like makes a vague karate motion. Oh, yeah, definitely. Or he's like, he's like, uh, raiden.

And then someone shows in the poster, He's like, oh, right, mortal combat, right. Nope, don't got that one. Not clicking up there. I don't know what you're talking about. Do you want to talk about the Warriors? I'll talk about the Warriors. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, before you ask, zero onset memories. All right. Number four. This critically acclaimed drama follows the exploits of a rising star in an uncommon industry. Andrew? Booking Nights.

Correct. Oh, wow. I was going to guess up close and personal. Oh, wow. Oh, they're like investigative journalists in that movie? Yeah. He eats shit or something? More of a mentor-mente thing, though, right?

Because they become a lover's at the end of it, I think. It's what I think so. That's like a real trailer-y movie. Like, I've never seen it, but I've seen that trailer like a thousand times. Oh, yeah. Because there was a big song on it, too. The Salim song, yeah. Yes.

He made me walk when I want to move. because you forget because you just think of the Titanic song you don't go back and like oh no actually Celine yeah totally and the video was one of those videos where parts of the movie were in the video and I've seen the video a hundred thousand times that's why I feel like I too have seen up close and personal when in fact I have not and it's just Celine in a gazebo at different angles you know I don't know this trailer I don't know that title I don't know that song I don't know that video I feel

like I've been left behind here. Wow. Guess your TV was never turned to VH1 between the years 1995 and 1999. Call up. No, no, no, no, no. Call up Kirk Cameron. He'll help you. VH1, that's for adults. So I was not ready for VH1. You were still proud of the rock revolution over on MTV.

Yes, and I was being visited by the VHS man a lot. Eric Siska and the not ready for VH1 players. There you go. Oh, there it is. FHs, a VHS, a VHS man It's a VHS of VHs A VHRG-A-H Are you doing like a hurly-gritty thing?

Yes, of course I am. I thought so, but I wanted to underline. I heard the weird Butthole Surfer's cover of that song the other day on Lithium where it's just that constant like So it's getting echo-e, echo-e, echo-e, echo-e, echoey, echoey, echoey, echoey, echo-we, it's great. We're looking for the Zodi again.

Dude, I'm always on the hunt for Zote. Yes. Number five, this largely forgotten crime comedy paired maybe the most notorious Nepo baby with a fast-talking comedian. Notorious nepo baby. That's an interesting phrasing there. Notorious.

Shit. I might want to punt if it's up to anyone else. Everybody else punt. Yeah, let's punt this too. Melrose Place Mainstay Heather Locklear plays the love interest to the Nepo Baby's character

a TV newsman with a hot story Oh shit I got it Steve Is it money talks It is indeed money talks Oh wow yes Charlie Sheen and Chris Tucker

It sure is Wow dude nice pull Jesus No memory of Heather Locklear Locklear being in that movie Oh yeah She gets introduced to him And introduced to Chris Tucker in a pretty funny little scene.

I got to say, no, it's terrible. Awful. Okay, last one here, fellas. John Boyt might not have began to embrace his role as corrupt government creep in the late 90s, in the late 90s by playing this villain. But it's awfully close against a famous comedian in the overly serious action film. okay so it's it's john void it's a it's an action film it's one of his first it was one of the first movies where he became that corrupt you know enemy of the state type character that he played for about a decade this was right at the beginning of that right around enemy of the state

and he's playing it against a famous comedian but the movie is very serious oh interesting that kind of kills what i was going to guess same glad i kept my fat mouth shut. Yeah, I'm going to ask to punt if anyone else. I'm willing to punt. Okay. This is the second of only three films directed by David Hogan, the man behind Barb Wire,

and co-stars Eric Roberts and Paul Sorbino as similar heavies with Void. Well, this sounds like a stay tuned movie. Probably is. Probably is. I haven't seen it in a while. I'm thinking of one thing, but Eric Roberts, you're saying, John Voie? Eric Roberts and Paul Servino, apparently.

And did you all say comedians paired with this? Andrew? I'm just going to do it. Is this runaway train? It is not. Ah. Are they both in that, though? Eric Roberts and John Voie are the two main guys.

In runaway train. So I'm not totally crazy. No, yeah, but I was hoping there was also a comedian there. But yeah, no, now I'm thinking about it. That movie's too old. Fuck. I'm happy to punt Yeah, let's do that

Okay The title of this film Comes from a certain kind of poster Title comes from a certain kind of poster You know, I'm not going to get this at also Just say one sheet Yeah, fuck it, shelter There you go, lithograph, is it lithograph?

Is it lithograph? No, it is not. This is a movie called Most Wanted. Oh, who's in that? That is, what's, uh, the... Well, Eric Roberts and John Voix. Who's the comedian, God damn it? Keenan Ivory Wayans.

Oh, Lord. Wow. No, I was not going to guess. Keenan Ivory Wayans is like, it's like a shooter type movie. The Mark Wahlberg, like, they hire him to do a, like, dirty assassination, and then turn on him and frame him. I see. That sounds like to stay tuned to finish our cut it

part of our cut it every way in series I would say. Yes, I would expect if we got back to it, yes. But there's your questions for this. Wow. I mean, so the finale to the VHS trailer game is going to be on our Pretty Woman episode later this August, the live episode. Is that right? That is correct. That is correct. And it's going to be a big boy. Congratulations, Stephen, I will say.

We don't know that. We don't know that. We do know. What we do know, I'll get us back in here. Do it, sure. Is Sean Levy the worst director ever to work? No, no, guys, he's a nice guy, I'm sure, and he gets Bucco box office. Sure does. Makes a lot of money. I'm sure he's a fine fellow.

So Big Fat Liar, which is stay tuned. Then I'm only doing movies because he's also been like he did. It's all bad, by the just married, cheaper by the dozen, the pink panther. make uh night at the museum that of the museum to date night which oh people like date night date night uh date night is a decent movie uh then real steel uh yeah oh shit he did real steel i want to revisit real steel that's got to be an episode fresh hugh jackman and the robots uh it should be fun internship this is where i leave you one of those like weepy books turned into a weep Oh, I thought you meant, okay, I thought you meant when you saw the internship.

This is where you left Sean Levy. I'd been gone for a while. You've seen that movie, Andrew? No, I didn't, but I remember being at the Toronto International Film Festival when it played there. It's like, that was one of the bigger studio things of the year. And everybody, I missed the screening, but everybody was taking a dump on it afterwards. And it was like, oh, dodged that bullet. But there's such a nice cast.

Why, how can it be bad? And a driver's in it. that at the museum three Secret of the Tomb Free Guy The Adam Project And then Deadpool and Wolverine And I guess he's gonna

Abominations upon Abomination He's gonna be the long line of directors to ruin Star Wars I hope that's right Star Wars starfighter coming in 2027 supposedly We'll see Mickey Madison said no thank you Which is

Yeah That's fine also apparently he's directing the upcoming and we might as well mention it because I think it is like feature length the chapter six escape from Kamazott's entry of Stranger Things that's releasing

Christmas Day this year well he's been a stranger thing's director I think he's done a bunch of those so he's coming back for these like feature length finale I think that revitalized his career after the internship and this is where I leave you kind of stuff, where people are like, no, thank you.

We don't like you in this tone. Could you give a baby shit, please? We like you with the baby shit. Could you do the baby shit? Man, I got to tell you, like, Steve, you mentioned Star Wars Starfighter, and like, that's where we'll leave it for upcoming projects. But if you look at, like, what he's got in development, there's so many movies people want this guy to direct.

Mm-hmm. I mean, Deadpool and Will Vryden made a shit ton of money, so there you go. Oh, yeah. That's just so funny because it's like, that's got nothing to do with you, Big Boy. You could, yeah, exactly. you could have had like the Andy Warhol blowjob movie and just called it Daredevil

and Deadpool and Wolverine it would have made just as much money Hell yeah maybe more I also would have liked it way more It would have more interesting Critical acclaim You know how you know you're in trouble

with this movie by the way You get right in this intro After that glorious old 20th century Fox logo 1492 pictures Oh Chris Columbus is involved with this Well great That's the funny joke

Because he can't remember Columbus I see it's on your checks sir and all the kids in the audience were going he's the producer I also don't appreciate these panic room credits you know what they did it once it's okay they did a good job of it this this looks like garbage

well the first shot is the first shot of these credits is the Teddy Roosevelt statue which is no longer there that's right good riddance it's like you know it would have been fine if he was if he wasn't subjugating natives in the sculpture, you know? Yeah, yeah. What? He's not the hero?

What are you talking about? I thought he was a big hero for everybody. Manifest Destiny bitch, he said. This is one of a history. Yes, and then he hit history. Roughed it up. Yeah, he was a rough rider. A real rough rider of history.

He invented having a hard sex, you know, rough stuff. Do you think, uh, manichens? Teddy Roosevelt would have liked DMX he was part of the Rough Riders as well They're both they're all rough riders You know what I mean? Oh, I have a feeling Teddy Roosevelt Wouldn't have cared too much for DMX

You're all gonna make me lose my cool Up in here Up in here He would have preferred another initials A BDSM I think he would have loved He was around for that He would have been to that This is one of four movies

So there's three of these And then Tower Heist where Ben Stiller plays a schlub who works on the Upper West Side. Do you think Ben Stiller needed to read a book about how to be poor just to really understand what that even could possibly be? Yeah. Well, dude, he's doing a bad job of being poor in this movie because he's living in Dumbo.

Like, I know it's 2006, but come on. He's right around the corner. He's right around the corner from Grimaldi's. Like, do you know what fucking, do you know where you live, man? And here's the thing. He's a jerk. like get a job like you could do all your fun inventors scrambling shit but you got to like you know push some paper around a desk and you know make a living well is that what his deal is yeah he's supposed to be i guess an inventor it's so under baked though like we don't really get a lot about this character in his home life and what's going on there we're just like he's a divorced dad and he needs money okay you know it you are it so let's just go with it but they don't even do the gremlin's dad thing we're like here's a bunch of weird fucking inventors I made. Here's a little comedic ability here. Like, oh, this thing pops this thing out. Oh, wow. Isn't that fun? That would be nice, but we don't get any of that. He mentions it on the job interview that he invented the snaplight. Instead of the clapper, it's the snapper. It's the snapper. Of course, that's not going to go well. That's a funny joke that's like, I don't know. Let me look at a calendar. 30 years too late. Yeah. Like you're expecting like a little kid in the audience to know what the clapper is. Come on. Whenever the clapper came out, then you can make that joke.

joke, but that, I mean, I think 30 years before this fucking movie came out. I don't think, yeah, we might not have even been born when that was okay to say. Yes, I'm just actually curious. I mean, I remember the commercials airing on television, like I definitely saw them. The old lady that wakes up and claps off her TV, she's been dust for the

better part of two decades. I have not. I never, in reality, saw it. I just remember it from Wayne's world. That's the only memory. Oh, we saw the commercial. We fucking had the clapper in the house. Oh, really? You had a clapper. Wow. We had a claper dude. Little rich boy over here

clapping his lights on and off. Yeah, my mom sent a check for $15 dude in the fucking Clapper game. Real Richie rich shit. Wow, in my house we only had the clap, the venereal Yeah, apparently I was surprised I would have thought that the clapper was like from the 80s, apparently at least from Wikipedia

the patent was granted a night, uh, Thomas Edison 18. Yeah, he clapped and an elephant was shocked to do. It was originally he hit a woman and then the lights went on and off and that's how he It was originally done. There's a picture of the clapper device.

It's like something you plug into your wall. This thing looks like a fucking fire trap, dude. I don't trust it. It was just a janky-ass little plastic box that you plugged into the wall, and then you plugged your shit into the plastic box that was plugged into the wall. Yeah. That's why the Bronx was burning in the 70s. And that would have been Ben Stiller's baby,

but for the fact that he went with snapping instead of clapping. Oh, my, how funny. Well, the weird thing is because it's not, because the way to write movie is he's a slub that, you know, is losing his job because all he does is, you know, take a daydream and try and make inventions or whatever. All he does is

fucking talk about the snapper from 25 years ago. That's it. By one shot. But yeah. And then like, he's getting priced out of his apartment. Like, that's a New York thing, right? Yeah. Oh, is that what's happening? No, no, no. He's getting evicted. And like, he has to go to his ex-wife and be like, I'm getting evicted again. And like, that's like, that

is a bit of a bit of instability that you know what I mean? Like you can see somebody being, I don't know about that. Right, he's not paying the rent. Yes. That's what I want to. He is getting evicted because he's not paying the rent.

Like, so it is like hand in hand getting priced out. You could say he's getting priced out in a way. Prefer a cut where he's getting evicted for other reasons. Like he's just screaming in the middle of the night. That's also, that would be great. But like the thing that she says,

the wife is like, our little son cannot handle the earthquake of being able to go to Queens instead of Brooklyn. Well, to be fair, no, to be fair, it's, I don't think it's a borough thing. I think it's a thing where he's moving again. And she's, this, I take this to be like, this is the next, in a series of moves. And she's like, this is unstable for the kid.

He's going to a different apartment of yours, like, every six months or whatever. Which is fair, but I mean, that's living in New York, maybe. Yeah, I don't, I mean, it just doesn't make any sense to me. Like, it's not like he's an army kid and being moved from, like, Kentucky to fucking Georgia. No, I mean, whatever that doesn't. I'm just saying it's not as poo-pooing queens so much as it is poo-pooing that he's moving again.

Yes. Kim Rayver as his wife, his ex-wife, rather. And we've got a, just kind of break it out of movie jail, Paul Rudd. You know what I mean? Like, this is my man. Wet Hot American Summer was like kind of some heat. It's like, I could be in movies, right? This movie's written by Tom Lennon

and Robert Ben Garant there or whatever. Like, so like, yeah, that love of the state and wet hot is, yeah. Oh, come on in, brother, Paul. you can have a role in this film absolutely brother paul it's like a weird cult I lit up for a second when he showed up in this movie it's like oh it's not gonna be that terror

oh wait he's not he's barely in it great he's barely in it he's just playing like the baxter I think he's in the baxter actually but like that backstery kind of like nerd guy that's like Mr. do right you know kind of I love him he's got the multiple cell phones on his belt and he's just walk

like they definitely give him like a goofy walk that he's got to that I think even Ben Stiller looks at him like he even walks like he's got like a stick up his ass basically But so she's like he's stooping his wife now And he's the new dad And you know you shouldn't feel threatened

If this guy's good with your kid Like God forbid someone's good with your kid Because you're not Someone's got to be able to afford The fucking hockey equipment that we're like hockey is The most expensive sport Sorry to tell you Or feeding this child

Because where's the like this guy Has not had a job Presumably since the snapper and Snapper Inc. went under in 1999. Like, it's a while now. And I just don't know, like, because again, it's not like, what about the temp job? I lost that one. What about, if you did that thing, you would be like, oh, I know who this guy is a little bit.

Yeah. But it seems like he's never, he is like, willfully not had a job because he's like, my big break is coming. And he's in his mid 30s or early 40s. And it's like, no, it's probably not. These are the worst kinds of characters because it's like, just go get a bartending job or, you know, like, a service job anywhere something you can pick up temporarily dude you don't need to make a career out of it no no no because this guy is all about being inspired it's it's a big deal for him because what actually pisses him off about paul rudd is that his son wants to be a bond trader and i look

i would also panic if my kid was going to be into the finance i would be like yeah he wants to he wants to do what his dad does the new dad right so the new dad wants you he likes paul rudd and he Paul Rudd is a bond trader, but like, it's not like, it would be funny. Again, like, if like, oh, he was at F.A.O. Schwartz and he was trying to unload the old snap. He was a manager at F.O. Schwartz. He was trying to unload all the old snappers. And he got fucking fired. That'd be one thing. But like, there's no consistency about this stuff. Because it starts on a career day gag. Like, he comes to pick up the kid. The kid's not there. The kid's out at school or something. It's like, oh, he went home already. Today was career day.

And he didn't tell Ben Stillerberg, he'd remember a career. And like, here's my question. about career day. A, I don't remember it happening at my school. Did it happen at yours? Is this a fake movie and TV thing? Yeah, it did not happen at mine. Nope. Yeah. I just think it's a fake movie and TV thing just to be able to talk about jobs. Or it's a thing that like they did

40 or 50 years ago. And then it's just been worked into motion picture and television screenwriting. So it's like kept up but it doesn't exist anymore. Did you guys also have, did you have recess or lunch? Because I thought that was a fake movie thing. They never let me out. I had I had a cage

They put in the classroom Eric you had the clap What do you come from a clap house? That's why they didn't want me to spread it To the rest of the students Which I was actively Eric watches all these kids Who's like where's the hitting?

Why is that about getting hit? Everybody's so clean Oh my God You know I used to get the cane A bunch of kids Why aren't they just hanging out with pigs all the time That's what I'm doing Just me in the trough with the boys

because it's like oh you know he's really excited about whatever big paul rudd here big dick paul rudd again if paul rudd's fucking your ex-wife dude it's over with it's just not even starts it's not even worth it it's not a question you're lucky that kid even talks to you after that yeah be thankful you you meet carlo jicino for crying out loud because she looks like she's very forgiving but goes nowhere right does that ever really take off no no no she has the moment with him and then, like, nothing happens with them. And I'm curious if she's in the sequel. I would guess not if I had to put money on.

No, because Amy Adams becomes, I think, the love interest as Emilia Earhart. Poor Amy. How does it become a love interest if it's a mannequin? That's a question we will have to see when we get to. There's plenty of people on the internet that can explain that to you. Yes, there are many ways. He does get shrinkified at some point. He does get shrinkified.

Oh, in one of the sequels, really? Yeah, I don't know how. I guess I'll have to keep watching. The other thing that we're not mentioning as far as this bond trainer thing is Stiller, again, I think it's coming from the place of he's that guy that needs to be expired and he can only inspired and needs to have like the job that suits him only and he's going to wait and hold out for it. We're definitely trying to make a little fucking money machine out of the kid by like, oh no, you're definitely going to be in the NHL. You're going to be a professional hockey player. And he's like, I don't know if I want to do that. And he's like, no, no, no, no, you definitely do.

You definitely want to be a rich hockey player. No, no, no, no. I'm living through you. I'm living through you. You are me. You are me. You are me. You are me.

I would look at my dad, my 5-7 Ben Stiller dad and be like, when am I going to be a hockey player, dude? Like, what I'm doing the math. Like, I probably will get a growth spurt next year. Hoping for 5-5 here, dude. That's what we're doing. Get on a heavy-duty protein and carb diet as soon as you possibly can kid. And then we're going to work you every day. Then maybe you'll get there.

this shit gets brutal though because he's like by the way ben stiller dad uh mom says you need a fallback job and he's like what's that uh i'm a i'm a great guy bound for greatness or whatever this kid dude this is fucking gutting if i was ben stiller i would safely drop the kid off and then just walk right into the hudson river because this kid goes what if you're just an ordinary guy who should get a job oh no hey kid honestly from the mouse of babes god damn that that kid is Right on. I'm a great guy bound for greatness is usually what you say before you shoot up a church or something. Or yourself.

Yes. Witness my becoming, Witnesses. Exactly. It's deranged. Neighbor said that he kept on saying witness my becoming before the blast was heard

from several different. Can anyone help me start this Facebook live stream? Oh no. Oh, I've got a lot of likes. I forget, what did the Riddler say in the movie? I got up.

That's what I want to say what the Riddler said. And because he knew what was up. Oh, L.O.L. what the Riddler said. Yeah, so he goes to a talent agency and it's his mom. An unemployment office. Notting. I'm sorry, an unemployment office. No. And well, he goes on an employment office.

And again, I thought it was a temp job. And I'm like, that's what you should be doing. I temp for a long time. You know what I mean? You temp. It's fine. I've temp. It was awful.

It's miserable. It's a living nightmare, but you can do it, you know. You can. You can do it. Yeah, I was able to restock that fridge in the break room. Mm-hmm. Working for some, like, multi-million dollar, like, real estate firm or whatever I was doing 20 years ago. I think I was just answering phones.

Yeah. Well, that thing is kind of like working in the Muppet Baby's nursery. You just open the door and there's, like, fucking Star Wars going on. Yeah. You go in for a little while and then you leave. Then you come back and go, oh, Raiders in the Lost Dark this week. Oh, cool. Oh, shut that door before the boulder comes into the conference room. You're making it sound very exciting.

It's more like you go into a conference room that's empty for eight hours doing nothing. Yeah. Like, this is how you make plastic tables a two-hour tutorial more than Star Wars. Yes, it's your data entry more than Star Wars. Oh, yes, the dreaded data entry. So his mom and Mira. is playing the unemployment agent which is kind of fun until he starts hitting on her

and then it makes the scene weird Wow that was a Did not care for it. That's nuts So Sean no Sean no bad Sean Is it more maybe it's an improv Maybe he gets along really well with his mother

I mean let me tell you dude Yeah the I word is on full display in this movie And it's why this movie is over 80 minutes frankly. But, you know, he's kind of hitting on her here. Like, oh, you know, you look very nice. Your eyes are very nice. Blah, blah, blah.

And she's, and this is crazy because this is like, I feel like Anne Mera's character at the unemployment agency is in on what's going on at this museum. Because she's like, well, I might have one job available. And like the music, you know, because it's Alan Silvestri. It's a Chris Columbus movie. It starts getting all dingley. And she's like, she might as well say,

Are you okay with a magic job? Thank you. Because the way it's like dingling up, like, I could have one job. The music in this movie is so about. Doodle doodoo doodoo. Sorry, that is a Sean Levy feature. All the music usually sucks in his movies. But it just sucks that it's Al's Investre doing it though.

Well, yeah, Alan, I mean, they all do like slum work, but like occasionally, you know. Slum work. Yes. You're always slum in it. If you're doing work these days, you have. have to slum it. What are you not going to do a Ryan Reynolds movie? Speaking of slums, here comes Ricky Jervais as, well, he goes to the museum. He meets Carlo Gugino first, who's a docent. Am I getting this right? Yes. And she's a docent and

she's like, kind of like, oh, you know, you have to meet with the museum director in a second or whatever. She's like working the desk for a hot second. Docent is such a fucking pretentious word. Just say tour guide. Yes, because that word makes me think it's like, what is that one of these words for morons are not allowed to say anymore like classification and this here on display is a docent look at the shape of the docent skull

in this chart that'll get you kicked out but no I feel like it is one of those like French words that just like came here and stayed here yeah I mean I agree like is it just a twer guy but it's probably a little bit more I like the word dosant I like the

opportunity to say docent that docent just asked me to leave you know that's exactly. Yeah, you're clearly eating it up right now. Well, see, in your example there, it was kind of a negative. That fucking docent told needle leaf. Sounds a little slurry there. I was on the five trade, fucking three docents walked in.

And I was like, Jesus Christ. You could tell with all the fucking pamphlets they were holding. Oh, yeah. This subway tunnel was completed construction during this decade. I was like, get out of you, you fucking dosin. We can't have you saying words like dosant here. we're an establishment that believes in everybody deserves to be here

okay so we can't have you talking like that on the job. We'll give you another chance. Don't get me wrong. In this house we believe it's we believe in science we the Black Lives Matters. We believe the doses are people. We believe all these things. But yeah Carla Gugino is Rebecca Hutman

and she's like Rebecca seeds deleted dude dude. Oh dude yeah no doubt about well that's what's weird ultimately about this movie is like so much of it is just Ben Stiller walking around by himself. Like, yes, eventually he's interacting with, you know, different fun museum characters.

But there's a lot of this movie where it's just him talking to himself. Yes. Well, because they thought, and I think this is a misstep, they thought he was a good substitution for Jim Carrey. And it's just not the same. Oh, sure. He doesn't invent like that. He doesn't, it's not the same thing.

Like, Jim Carrey will use the room and himself immediately. He, Ben likes to talk. Like, he's a talker. Like, it's just, it doesn't work like that. So even, but even when he is trying to do the physical stuff, it's not that, like, him and the T-Rex. I was like, this is the most boring shit I have ever seen in my life. Well, this was also supposed to be for Eddie Murphy, apparently, at a certain point.

And Eddie Murphy couldn't do it and blah, blah, blah. Is that why Charlie Murphy is still left over as that cab driver? You have to imagine. They're not like, we're not going to fire him. It's a fucking two-line thing. Charlie's fine. But, yes, this. She's like, oh, okay, yeah, I get paid sub-minimum wage to direct you to the museum director played by Ricky Jervase.

And this is like, speaking of the improv, like, I mean, he's just doing lazy, worse David Brent, which like just became his thing in Hollywood movies. You know, the whole like, I'm not finishing sentences, be it. And just, I look like I'm struggling for words, but it's really just this genius improv I'm doing. man I despise this right you think that he was riffing on a sublime level like tycho wittiti was and free guy that that clip comes around of sean levy a lot and it's rightfully so which is him just being like tyco wittiti is ripping on a freaking sublime level and it's like him doing that like bad what you talk about willis joke and i'm like jeez fucking christ eating a little tiny bit of toxic waste every time you see that just

just like a little handful of toxic waste in your mouth. And perhaps Ricky also did riffing to give that great George W. Bush joke. We're going to cement this in its place and time. You missed that. He does the whole like fool me once, like shame on me, fool me twice, and then he just trails off. Oh, God. Yeah, I forgot that. George.

You forgot that. Yeah. Oh, wow. Now watch this drive. Mission accomplished Tica, keep going No, no, no, no, the guy's stop Don't you stop. Don't you fucking

Get a new reel. Get us a new reel. No, I mean, like, I got to tell you, I didn't get that George W. Bush line because whenever he speaks, it's like that Simpsons where Homer's going to take the kids to see a spinal tap. Oh, yeah. The spinal tap episode.

And he's like, Marge, I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts over the years. ever hurt my hearing and then it's just the fucking insane tinnitus while marge is talking that's what happens like that's what i hear when rickie jervase just starts talking i'm like oh fuck he's riffing i felt in my notes where it happens it's right after he gets fired in front of his kid and he comes back yes oh right i think i was the problem was i was laughing so much of his kid being like oh no my dad got fired i love that right in front of all of his little friends too oh yeah um so he meets now the octogenarian triplets

yeah Dick Van Dyke Mickey Rooney I think Mickey Rooney's in all these movies or at least in the last one Dude he died the year The last one came out

But he's in it Wow Do they finally put a leash on him This little fucking feral animal I don't know I only saw this one He is And the great Bill Cobbs as well

Oh yeah Bill Cobbs Bill Gobs who I think just recently passed away Dick Van Dyke Outliving a lot of people in this movie and Dick Van Dyke in this he does his signature like teeth smiling

like his teeth are smiling at you it's very unsettling Oh yeah dude my goodness This guy is a scientific display Put him in a Put him in a case in this natural history Yeah give him his own fucking little glass box to stand in

Dude he's a wild He's a little hobgoblin this one Just like it's just you know It's rough because like he's doing his best But he's doing that thing like it was very funny at the time to call someone lunchbox for some reason and like every time he speaks like

listen up lunchbox listen up Hanfister or whatever nonsense he's very funny I actually like those moments because he also says you crack and wise I ought to punch you in your nose hopscotch it's just old man talk like he calls him snack shack at some point he calls him butter scotch

hot dog it's okay man here's why it's not as funny as it should be because if you added profanity to it, it's just a Rickles bit. Yeah. Well, that's, I think that's a difference is because if you have him, if you have Don Rickles, it's three very, like, composed

people. You need one that might have been Elijah Wood in Sin City in his youth. And that is kind of what, what Mickey Rooney is feeling. You could imagine he could eat a body. Right movie, wrong character. It's, he's, Nick Stahl. Like, it's like,

A weird little yellow He's subhuman in this film Yeah, that's right Lunchbox I'm the little yellow bastard All right I became this way because they tried to regrow my dick Hopscotch I'm tortured little girls

Submit mixer or whatever the fuck I'm gonna say I'll kidnap your daughter I'm gonna get him too If you put Don Rickles in I feel like it would give away the twist if you want to call it that. Oh, sure. The twist, I'm sorry, is the movie's kind of over in 38 minutes,

and then Robert, Robert Ben Grant and Tom Lennon were like, shit, we need a second and third act. What if they were crooked? Oh, man, yeah, we'll get to that. Meanwhile, poor Bill Cobbs is just like, what am I doing in this movie? He's the most restrained of the three old timers. So they basically are like, hey, you know,

they're firing all three of us so they're replacing us with one guy that doesn't make any sense because who's is he working seven nights a week like what's what is that situation like what if it's sick what if it's cold you can't be asking questions like that because this fucking sandcastle

disintegrates immediately when you start poking questions around dude oh just like the caveman it disintegrates immediate oh biggest laugh of the movie for me these rules make no sense obviously no he looks like a weirdie Sorry, that's another Mickey Rooney line I found. And they're basically like, you know, just if you follow the rules,

they'll be fine, they take them around the museum. Like, we meet kind of all the things. You can kind of tell, like, Dick Van Dyke has a little relationship with all of them. There's the gag here. Dick Van Dyke is taking them on the... I think Dick Van Dyke is the best part of this movie. Like, he's got it. You know what I mean?

Like, it's that wink. He knows he's in a kid's movie, but he's not stupid about it. I guess it's the right way to. but it? No, I mean, he does the same thing that he's been thrilling audiences with for the better part of a century, honestly. But his whole thing is, yes, it's like, yes, just come this way. We're going to take you

through all the hallways, you're Ben Stiller, and yep, these are all the fun things you're going to experience later on in the movie. Yep, right this way. Here's more of the movie over here that you'll experience. Oh, and here's more of the movie over here you'll experience later. Now, if you want to sing, Eye of the Tiger, you do have to go to the lobby.

And got to go back into your little near the pamphlets, because that's the only place we allow that. His singing on the PA system is one of the worst things I've ever seen. So basically they just set him up they're like,

all right, you're going to be the night guy at the museum. And the most important thing you got to keep your eye on is the very cool tablet of Ackman Rod. Oh, yes.

And he, the weird thing is like, the first, I actually thought that, which I think is a better move for this movie, is a one crazy night scenario. I thought that's what it was going to be.

Yes. Dude, I bought a ticket for a night at the museum, I'm not nights. Thank you. Because even like when he's calling a Dick Van Dyke later for help, there's this retirement party going on. I'm like, oh, that's a fun runner for the one night that this movie is.

You keep calling back and he's fucking like elbow deep in the lady at some point. I love this party we cut to with Dick Van Dyke in like 1970s garb getting shit face dancing. He's about to. put Elaine stretch his ankles on his fucking shoulders and go to the house. He is this fucking close, baby. Yes, don't where paramedics are standing by.

Yes, seriously. You know, uh, that ottoman I have you bent over I used to trip over, but now I'm plowing you into it. I'll go at it already. Get it over with, Dick. Oh, no. But yeah, so he's, he's now

the museum watchman. They don't tell him anything about, like, that's the, the thing is like they're not going to tell him what's going to happen. You definitely have a Bill Cobb's looks at Mickey Rooney, I think it is. And he's like, oh, do you think he's the one? Yeah, I do think he could be

the one, chowderhead. And it turns out it's the one to you know, frame for crimes later. Yes, yes. Yeah. Great notion. Biggest dumbass. Biggest dumbass. Here we go. The winner. And the biggest word of warning, of course, to Ben Stiller on his first

night, don't let anything in or out of the museum. Yes. And I mean like, this has sort of a toy story-esque quality where Yep. And look, this is based on, like, not based on, but like, it's reminiscent of those old Looney Tunes cartoons, like, in a library, the library

closes and all the characters come out of the books and start dancing around and shit like that. A, that's three minutes. Like, and the toy story. Visually thrilling, you know, that's, you know, it's magic to watch. But, uh, the toy is that, you know, it's that

classic, every kid had that thought. Or like most kids had that thought. Like, what am I twice to when I go, wait. No one ever thought about the fucking museum. No one thinks that, you know what I mean? Like, this is not... Right. Maybe the dinosaur. Maybe the dinosaur. This was a children's book. This is adapted

from a children's book. Oh, okay. That makes so much sense. I didn't see that. That makes a ton of sense. It's late. It's 1993. So, uh, you probably just finished reading children's books. But I have to presume, though, that the book is at least A is shorter than this movie. Dude, I bet it's five fucking pages.

Yeah, I bet it's nothing. That would be great. I'm guessing it's not an American children's book because it's Milan-Trenk. Yeah. Croatian. How about that? Nice. But I think we haven't mentioned yet, but we should just like specify too that.

And this is a misconception I had going into it. And it is, it's fudged like just the little bit. But, like, this is not, like, you notice they're not using the actual official name of the museum here. Oh, they're not? No, because it's the American Museum of Natural History. And this is just the Natural History Museum. Ah, okay. And they do use the exteriors, but of course the interiors that were not actually in this museum.

It's a set that they built in Vancouver inspired by how parts of the actual museum look on the Upper West Side. So it's not, like, officially. that's interesting because I was wondering why we never bump into Matthew Project's character from election who has to have he must be the king of the dose that's over there at this point he must he must be fucking ruling he's definitely hitting on Carla Gugigeno but that's for sure but so he's got his first night and yeah we sort of talked about this already but like him all of this like loose time that you let him just riff at this desk and yeah

sublime riffing by the way it was sublime riffing, you know, doing the testing one, two on the PA that evolves into singing I of the Tiger for like, way too long. Like, they are just leaving in Ben Stiller singing lines from I of the Tiger that

nobody remembers are in the song. And I think that, Chris, you have a point with the Jim Carrey bit and also the Eddie Murphy bit. He's not like an every man comedian guy. Like, I mean, like, obviously, something about Mary is a huge movie and that's, he is an every man comedian in that. But he's much more of it. When he's trying to be funny, he's much

better doing character. You know what I mean? Like he's like, yes. Like Zoolander is very fucking funny and it's a character piece. You know what I mean? Like yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are like the Ben Stiller show he would always do like characters, impressions, like him just doing I'm a dopey kind of man baby to move the plot forward. I don't think works for him.

I mean, he's done, it was a proven success in what, like meet the parents. He's kind of just a moron. It's, he exists in this type of role to be like to get the fucking fire. The fire detergent or whatever that comes out of that thing on them. It's all gross out stuff.

Let's get goop on this guy. He's fighting a little animal like he's fighting a little animal like he's known to do. That's kind of another trademark. But it's not him filling the room the way that Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy do. They do that just by the nature of being them. And like that's what I think there are so many of this where Benson was just like walking around. I'm like, is this supposed to be funny? Like just him hanging out.

A more physical comedian would be great. Like Jim Carrey, like you said, you know, maybe Chris Farley if he lived, stuff like that. I would even say, honestly, like, I think this is even more up Sandler's alley, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. That would be great. There'd be a little more bite to it because again, like, when,

and I really love Ben Stiller, but like, go next, by the way, whenever hell yeah, whenever like he does this kind of movie, he becomes very neutered, you know what I mean? And like, this kind of doesn't. Yes. Well, because like, look at the ones where this happened. you know that I think we're talking about here um like duplex

with him and with him and drew barrymore completely forgettable he's just an average guy along came polly the only reason anyone remembers that movie is because of philip seemore hoppin has nothing to do with ben stiller envy the same thing in that movie he's just the straight nothing guy and jack black's like the weirdo in that movie but then like

around the same time when you've got shit like you know he's in uh anchorman for two seconds as a character dodge ball white goodman is totally a character. And then like you go normal stuff back to like that Heartbreak Kid remake where he's just a guy. It's awful. Oh yeah.

Happy Gilmore. He's fantastic. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So like he's dicking around and the stupid dinosaur skeleton comes to life. And like it's kind of fun, I suppose. Like this part is sort of fun.

It should end and that the movie should just roll the credits afterwards. Right. Sure. So he's being pursued by this T-Rex, and he calls, you know, the party where Dick Van Dyke is. Oh, yeah. It's like read the instructions, and number one is throw the bone. The T-Rex throws one of his own bones down to play fetch. Mitch, and Mickey Rooney comes up to say, hey, you got to put your keys in the bowl. It's not going to work if you don't put your keys in the bowl.

I put my keys in the bowl. Where's Bill? He's trying to say he doesn't have any car keys, and I said, Bill, you can just use your house. keys. It doesn't matter just so long as when you pick them up, you say, those are mine. No, those are my testicles. Those aren't just mothballs. They just look exactly

like mothballs. So, yeah, like the T-Rex turns into a big dog. Isn't that cute? Sure. And, you know, we see other things here, like the Mastodon and all the birds and all these things are alive. Oh, man. And then he's getting like

chased by the Gai-Co cavemen for a little bit. I had to look it up. These are not the guy co-came in because I was like, did those guys work here? You know, like, no, I got a feeling same fucking costume rental department, though. Yeah. You got Brad Garrett voicing this Easter Island statue. Oh, man. No.

Dumb, gum, gum, gum, gum. Oh, yeah. Dumb, gum, gum, dude. Also, like, he's, and Ben Stiller's just bad at this job. I could tell you, if you got these cavemen coming to life trying to make a fire, don't let them. Don't give them a lighter. you do that's not solving their problem it's not like they're ghosts that need to move on you know what i mean like uh because that's that's sort of the issue is like what is he supposed to do here like you know

what i guess keep order well that's the thing is uh dick van dyke is like look all you have to do each night is get through all the steps of the rule book and that's just how your job goes and at some point that gets destroyed by the monkey that's around here and the movie doesn't give a shit like there's no consequences it turns out to him not going through the rules each night so you don't know

what in fact he's supposed to do every night and also yeah because it's a curse like I think I read in the synopsis it's a curse and I'm like I get that from the tablet towards the end but like is that when the tablet is back the things are still coming out.

The things are still alive. It's still messing up the museum. So is it really, what part of this? Is that just part of the overall thing? Because I think when it was cursed, I'd be like, oh, we're don't the curse. They don't come alive anymore. Well, no, if they don't come alive anymore, then all his friends are gone, dude. So we can't have sequels.

So you've got to get that tab. Sure. It's a lot of questions you can have here, right? Like, how do these mannequins know what they are? I mean, you know, Teddy Roosevelt makes a reference to it later. that he was, you know, he's just a wax statue made in Poughkeepsie. But then, like, is the dosits, all those guides that are happening that are, like, they're listening to what they're supposed to be?

How do they know I'm the Tilla the Hun? You know what I mean? These are great questions. Well, why is it that Robin Williams knows that he's a mannequin built in a warehouse in Poughkeepsie? And the guy playing Attila the Hun doesn't know that. Because he's stupid and Teddy Roosevelt smart. I guess so A lot of Hunslander in this

I do not appreciate I was always a big fan of Attila A lot of hunslander A lot of this movie relies heavily And I mean heavily For a movie in the 06 Of just gibberish as a foreign language And man is that irritating

Isn't that funny Isn't it funny that it's all gibberish That's what it is like Go chip chop, jibbog, big book And like everyone's like Yay I don't know English I don't know other languages is, yay!

Well, what's amazing is, like, you know, you have these Han guys doing it, and yeah, they're all just probably like dudes from Jersey or something. And, like, that's happening and there's no subtitles and it's whatever. But there is that extended moment. Again, just these fun riffs where Ben Stiller is just doing the gobbledygook language to this other guy back and forth. And, like, it becomes that thing where, like, the Hun, like, Atila himself,

understand somehow the gobbledygook language that been still like I this is so mind-numbingly stupid no it's so funny because like just eventually it works and who cares because it's the end of the movie isn't that great isn't that nice that it happens like that the thing is like someone like uh remi malick who turns out to be the Egyptian mummy or whatever right you were at least a guy that kind of makes sense you would know what you are and what I mean we might as well just talk about it too because what are we talking about when he comes alive flesh reconstruction what is that what about his tongue that's in a jar somewhere his tongue his heart is everything else you know what that's what momentification is he should be like oh yeah that could be a funny gag and it's like hand me that jar you know like they're doing charades to get me the jar where my tongue is that'd be fun that'd be fun because most of it he knows english because he was on display in england for a while. And he heard sure. And he heard it all. He figured

it all out. Rob Rom and Alex best film role maybe. Possibly. But the hijinks, it's this fucking monkey shit. Like we were, and like, I get it. Monkeys are kind of funny.

But like you are anchoring a good 15 minutes of this movie on the hijinks with the monkey. Oh yeah. And you're really zapping the energy. Of me, a monkey enjoyer. I'm getting zapped. I need that in short bursts. I don't need that as a consistent thing

for several minutes. The monkey fucking destroys his little fucking guide. The monkey takes his keys. The monkey pisses on him. Table for two, Chris Cabin? I don't think. Oh, Chris Cabin would monkey enjoy it? Oh, right. This way, sir. The comma.

It's the comma. Oh, you have no seats left in this auditorium for tonight's premiere. Do you well? maybe you have four seats for Chris Cabin Monkey Enjoyer Oh, right this way, though. It might just be M.E. After it.

It just might. Sometimes they shorten it. I don't. I don't know. But the monkey shit is so much. The monkey steals the keys. The monkey rips up the fucking thing. The monkey bites him on his nose.

And dude, I was like, this thing would be bit right off, dude. He'd be looking like fucking Walton Goggins on fallout. Like, no nose, dude. No nose on this guy. This is why you make the millions of bucks, man, because Sean Levy's going to be like, no, this monkey is trained to put his mouth on your nose, brother,

and it's going to go well. And I'm like, all right, I'm getting $9 million for this. And here's a question I had while watching this, you know, with the monkey and all. Like, if I crack its neck, is it done for the night? And is, does that also mean maybe does it not come back? Or do you have to kill it every night? Like, I would try to kill every single thing

this museum. Well, that's the weirdest. That's the weirdest part is later, again, who cares, but just whatever, later than when Robin Williams is cut in half. Yes, straight up bifurcated. And he's just like, oh no, Teddy Roosevelt, my friend.

And he's like, don't worry. I'm, Larry, I'm just made of wax. And I'm like, but aren't you flesh and blood now? Like, wouldn't you be like fucking kill Bill spraying blood until the morning comes? That would be great. Exactly, dude. It should be fucking lady snowblood all over.

this goddamn museum. An interesting move for Sean Levy, I will say. If he went there, boy howdy. But then another

interesting move is the fact that this movie pulls over several times for characters to lust over Saka Jua, including Ben Stiller,

who was 16 years old when she went on that expedition. And I think she got 18 when it ended. So maybe this is the end of the expedition. But then Lois and Clark are debating the map,

which makes me think it's the beginning, and she's a 16-year-old. They're at least in the middle. They're at least in the middle area. 17-17. Well, you know, just like Beverly Hills 9-2-1-0, you know, the characters they're playing are teenagers, but that Sakajua wax figure, you know,

is actually 30 years old. Right, so that's what it made it okay for that teacher, Guild, the Kiss Andrea, 902-0-0-0-0-0-0. This is Mitsuo Peck playing Sagittwea, who's in all these movies. Turns for all of them. Yeah, that's something. Well, because I assume that eventually they have like

mannequin children, Teddy and her. Oh, God. Oh, hell. Nightmare things. It's disgusting. I would have thought. I will never stop vomiting if that's true in any of those. Incorrect, Chris. If blood doesn't come out when he's cut, Cub doesn't come out when he shoots. That's, that is. Look, it's a magic world out there, Steve.

You don't know what's coming or going, really. Hey, Nikki, your younger brother comes to life only at night. You're going to have to stay over it. yes you're your half brother who's half wax so at one point around here he starts getting hit by little tiny arrows like on his lip he's just sitting on the floor covered in monkey piss like thinking about his life

and then these like little Native American figurines start like hitting him with arrows or whatever and then this is where we are introduced to Owen Wilson as Jedediah the cowboy and Steve Coogan is Octavian the Roman warrior and man these things were supposed to be cameos and you can tell just from like the way these movies went

they obviously become much more that's explore they just needed to be cameos this is the stupidest shit because the fun one-off right if it's just like what's happening this little cowboy shooting at Ben Stiller oh that's how it Wilson I like him and then he's gone for the rest of the movie

but like and there was reshoots that added more which I'm sure is where the back fucking mountain joke comes from. Oh, man. That was something that just cemented this perfectly in 2006. Holy crap. Yeah. Like, I get it.

You're going to do the Gulliver's travel thing. You got to do it. It's going to happen. This is just going to happen. But then why, like, again, you could chop 20 to 30 minutes off this thing and like make this a stronger, more direct movie. If you just get rid of the second times you go back to all these things. Yes.

like honestly like I get like I do think you make this a one night thing we're fine yeah exactly that this is just loosely around like three or four days where he's getting fired about two or three times I it just it drives me insane and the stakes should just be lower of like oh no these exhibits came out to the city I have to get them back before sunrise or else they're all going to be dead that's a fucking 90 minute kids movie and it's not good but it's much better than this and you can kind of like then from then on when that becomes the movie right i got to go out into the city and collect these people it's kind of just like the back half of bill and ted's excellent adventure and it's like oh

shit you know sacca julia went to the big multiplex and you know teddy roosevelt rode his horse down to time square and he's freaked out by all the lights and what like you can do that and it's something and then you are fucking in bed at minute 93 i'll tell you that teddy roosevelt the time square would be freaked out by the lights it'd be the black people that would bother but this is where speaking of Teddy Roosevelt we are introduced to him he saves Ben Stiller from getting hit with all these tiny flaming arrows

that the Romans are shooting at him and I gotta say like it was great I think this is the first live action Robin Williams I may have watched in 10 years I know I've watched the animated Aladdin since then which is why I got confused of doing it on AD but it was great seeing him do something and frankly pretty good at this

this fun mid-Atlantic action accent that he's putting on not too bad yeah and he knows his role to like what i like about robin williams probably like he'd have to be younger but he would have to your point chris would have been much better in the ben still role like you know yeah a hundred times better and like you know whatever he says into that stupid microphone when he's riffing would have been really fun yes but like he knows like i like that he is very like he's not subdued subdued but he knows to give the focus to ben still like it's just one of those masterful movie star things where it's like I'm not gonna blow this guy

I can you know what I mean I'm Robin fucking Williams I can be the biggest thing of the world I'd make every seat about me but no it's like I'm just gonna be the genteel older guy that moves the story forward Robin Williams is capable of making a joke about how bad he is at Cundolingus by using only

the hair on his forearm you cannot tell me he couldn't have fixed this movie if you give him more fucking real estate but where was that all the real he told Sakajua later No it's one of his It's Robin Williams live on Broadway It's an HBO special from way back

Where he talks about this is what it looks like When I go downtown on a woman And he just put He puts his face like into the crook of his elbow Yes it's one of the funniest things I remember that special being Yes I remember that it's very good I wonder if some of the midi stuff

Still plays probably not These days probably not Probably not but I would argue most of it It's probably still pretty funny. But it's kind of, it's interesting, right? Because this movie, had he done that, had he stepped up, he could have easily stolen this movie from Ben Stiller, then it would be in a long-came polly thing maybe

where any time you're talking about this movie, you're like, oh man, Robin Williams is so zany and wild in that museum movie. Oh, yeah, Ben Stiller's kind of in it, right? Yeah. But yeah, he kind of, he's the one that, like, lets him know, you got to lock up the monkeys, you got to do this, you got to do that. If the sun rises and any museum figure is outside, he says, they all turn to dust. Excellent stakes.

And again, that's all the stakes you need. You know what I mean? These are my friends boob-a-booboo. I get it. You know what I mean? Like, but it's not because the first night kind of goes on without incident. And then like, he rightfully quits, right? It's just like, I'm done.

He's about to. And then the kid is like, and then like the kid that gets excited. Like he hears about it. Right. This isn't worth 11.50 an hour. it sure fucking isn't, dude. No, absolutely not. Yeah. You can work at Best Buy, and it's just regular.

You can make $11.50 at Best Buy, and it's just like, and you get a discount too. Your son, maybe the son would like the discount, but like you go, the son's excited to go to the museum or whatever. And that's another problem is like, Ben Stiller shouldn't be talking everyone's ear off about this great museum job until he knows

it's going to stick. Yeah, this is a trial period, my friend. You don't tell anything about the trial period. Trust me, if you drop off the earth and you don't call your family for a few weeks they'll be relieved everything you've done thus far feeds into

the story of you fucking taking this gold talisman at the end of this like it really does you you have you've set it off so well for you to be the frame guy Ben Stiller without even knowing it it seems like good job buddy but yeah he he's he kind

of quits to the three security guards but not to anybody else his kid is like oh yeah it's got a cool job He gets yelled at by Ricky Jervase because something is in the wrong place. This drives me insane. Like there has to be, he has to have a relationship with like the janitorial staff. And they are there like, yeah, we know about this. Of course we know about this.

We work this every night. Yeah. And he's like, and he's like, okay, well, let's go team. I have to be a team builder now. And you have to, you have to learn how to be kind of a manager, which is the thing you refuse to fucking be. And like, like, that is something. That is something to give meat to the fucking. I can't find my place in this world

or job kind of thing but like no they're just like no every every night these guys have been cleaning up whatever fucking mess is thrown around all over this place insane and you're not going to be able to do this as one guy in time for the museum to open

but the thing that was different in this first interaction it was Octavius was in the stockade with the old West guys and that gets us to maybe another classic riffing thing where where Ricky Ricky Jervais is like, oh, ha, ha, do you want a battle of humor?

No, I don't think you want a battle of humor. Dude, and then he just rambles. Like, he's acting like, oh, man, here comes the riff off. Let's fucking go. And then, like, Ricky Jervis just, like, mouth diarrhea is nothing for, like, a good 90 seconds in a straight take of no cuts, just nothing, no comedy to be found at all. Yep. Andrew, don't you know it's so much better.

to not be funny than to be actually funny. It shows how clever you are that you don't make the joke. That's showing how smart and clever you are. Right. I think that the riffing on a sublime level is actually informative. Sean Lovie saying that about Tekka Watiti

and that awful movie free guy is I think like this stuff is probably funny on set in the moment when you're there. He's supposed to talk, he's supposed to say some line of exposition and he says, what you're talking about, Willis?

That's kind of humorous. But in the editing room, someone needs to be like, all right, we need the take where he does the exposition. And then maybe, you know what I mean? Like that. Well, because the what you're talking about Willis is the improv that wakes the setup, right? Everybody was like, oh, my God. We were all so sleepy.

And that just totally random comment was so funny. We're all, okay, now that we're all back and jazzed again, now do it right. But no, this is sublime riffing because it's wrong way. And then when I'm watching it, I feel like I'm doing time. Wow. look at this, dude. You're just wishing you could get out of there and get to the bar for your 40 ounces of freedom. Oh, yes, exactly.

After watching this movie, I wish I fucking smoked two joints. Don't worry. Could we get some bad fish for the table, please, thanks. Oh, my God. You know what? I think, no, I'm not going to do it. That was my first notion, too, and that's why I said.

Yep, let's just gingerly move on through the news. But now the audience knows what we were thinking. Exactly. You can make your own joke audience, Excellent. So the sexy docet, right? Yeah, he's got to go get her almost fired in this moment.

Also embarrass the fuck out of himself. And every, like, oh, Sacchiaiaia, was she deaf? Hey, hey, was she deaf? Because she doesn't talk to me at night. You sound like a maniac. So, so Sacchiaia and Lewis and Clark are just forever stuck behind glass while the rest of the museum can get out and fart around the whole lot. Is there not an access? door to their cage here? That is a living hell every night. Like, you know what I mean? And similarly,

Akkadra, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the money there, that's a night. Like, he should come out and be like, oh, my God, that was 70 years. Yeah. 70 years of my life pounding on glass. My God. You thought that buried alive and kill Bill was bad. This dude wakes up to it every night. And he's wrapped in mummy bandages. Like, it would drive you insane. I don't know. But at the end of this, he gets to dance to Disco, that's probably pretty satisfying. That probably makes up for it, I bet. They very specifically do not show the

Blue Whale. I kept thinking about, like, where's the Blue Whale? No, they 100% do show the Blue Whale. Only once, yeah. Because that's a living hell, that thing is suspended from the ceiling outside of water. Every night's like, help me, please kill me. Being hanged from the ceiling by chains is not my kink. I'm not body-modded at all.

This is awful. You should have thought of that blue whale before you solved my puzzle box. But it's also, it makes no sense, too, when we do see the blue whale, because he spews water on Dick Van Dyke, where we just, you're holding a gulp there, Chief? Yeah. For one last blow, Eric. Just wait for it, yep. Another thing that doesn't make sense.

Also, because I don't think the Natural History Museum has anything to do with the Civil War. These Civil War guys, I think, are a bridge too far. Yeah, it's weird. and like so basically he walks with Carla Gugino like they're like she's like all right we'll go for a walk and I'll tell you all about Saka Jua she's doing her district

this is amazing she's doing her dissertation at Saka Jua and it really sounds like a book report like it's not it does not sound like What is the thesis? What is the fucking thesis She's like writing a little biography She's like oh you know she was like the original working mom she was badass

And I'm like okay who are you reading What texts are you in her Because later in the movie She's like, I read all the stuff. I don't know what else to write about Saka Joia. I'm like, no, this is where you have an opinion about her. Right. And those are the pages.

You don't have to sit down an interviewer. This is like fourth grade book report shit. Not a 900 page thesis. But he's not that interested because he needs to get all these details about other characters too. So it's like Attila the hunt. What's his problem? Because the whole thing I think it's... Yeah.

Well, I think it's right. It's Dick Van Dyke who's like, look, you just... need to like, he's like, why don't you read a few history books? Then you'll know everything about how to run this museum apparently. And he's embarrassingly like sitting in a children's reading room, looking at some of these history books. And I'm like, what are you reading? That's

helping you be a better security guard. Like I just, oh wow, he had to read a book to be like, oh, those Neanderthals are looking for fire. Well, I'll help them out and give them fire. Okay. Babies first civil war, you know? It's a beautiful little book. Yeah. also we get a quick shot of

like the old security guards packing up Bill, Bill Cobbs there, he like copies the key, it's the thing. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The retiring to Boka, we're told. But yeah, so he reads on the internet websites

that are entitled things like stagecoaches of the Wild West and another website that's called Roman Wars. Yep. You have so like this Roman Wars. Dude, and it's so pathetic too, because he's looking over, he's like doing all this intense research for his security job.

And then he looks over at this like framed photo of his son to remind him that he's such a loser and he's got to pull this off or he's going to lose his family. It's fucking great. It's so fucking stupid. And then I think that morning, that morning when he's about to get fired, that's when like he runs into Paul Rudd and his kid.

His kid's like, oh dad, he gives a cool tour and like he says, no, that's when he goes to get his job back. So like the kid is like well involved. I think that's Paul Rudd's last seat too. Yes. I think it is. Yes, it's when he's quit and he goes outside. Yeah. And dude, this is a real, like, because Paul Redd is taking this kid to school. And he's like, oh, before school, let's stop off and see dad at work.

Like, this isn't friends in Seinfeld. Get your ass to school. You can see dad at work another time. Exactly. Visiting before school. Well, I, Don, Don is trying to give him a fucking hand, I think. I think Don is like, he is, the kid is glomming on to me pretty hard. I am the one. I clearly know what I'm doing with my life, unlike this guy. And you know what?

Maybe I'll give this guy a leg up. Maybe I say like, hey, why don't you go see your dad at work? Isn't that great? Isn't that nice to see? Oh, you don't want to? I'm buddy. Man, can I talk to you a little bit? I am trying.

I am trying so hard for you right now, man. You don't know what I've been hearing in the house. You want to know what that lady's been talking about with you? You want to talk what she said about the fucking snapper? Do you want to hear that shit? Well, yeah. Because I could give it to you. if you want to, but here, I'm trying to help you

with your son, please take it. Oh, and also just what were your wife who said, are you still having trouble getting hard or is that, did that, did that fix itself? Happens to us all. Happens to us all. I would, I'm not, I'm not Superman. It's just, you know, you get older. It's a little difficult. Yeah, this guy, man, you know, no good with snap and no good

with snatch either. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's like, Teddy should start giving him sex tips and, like, how to get his dick harder and things like that. Because I'm sure he knows some exotic plant that he saw somewhere. I don't know about that because like Teddy Roosevelt cannot land the deal

to get a little mannequin pussy, shout out the band. Well done. It would because he can't do not. He is split in half in front of this woman and still can't land the plane. I don't know if we've actually like straight up like clarified but Teddy Roosevelt in this movie has a crush on

Sacagaia. Yes. He can't bring himself to go speak to this fellow mannequin. But she's encased in glass anyway. What can anyone do? She's Helpless for all time. And do they get genitals when they thaw out? Or is it just to rub my bump? We rub each other's bumps to pleasure one another.

I think bumps. Look, if we go to the third movie and it's like them Shrek sequels where we've got like a half donkey, half dragon floating around. You know what I mean? Like if we got a half mannequin, half person or something like, you know, you'll know that they were able to mate. I just want to know, just spell it out for me. do a Mrs. Doubtfire type of Teddy Roosevelt

taking a piss or something so I know what's happening. Oh no. My brother was caught playing Teddy Roosevelt at the museum.

Oh, fuck. I would have to keep this up. Oh, oh, oh no, Ma.

He was caught at the museum doing the Teddy Roosevelt show again. Yeah, we're going to have to get the net. We're going to have to get the net for this one,

I think. Get him in captivity. We were trying a bunch of fancy wigs. I gave him the Teddy Roosevelt mustache and he left. He also stuck his face in a cream pie again.

It was crazy. He's going to get a children's show as Teddy Roosevelt. And yes, and Robert Praske's going to try and fuck Teddy Roosevelt for sure. Nothing wrong with that. So we get a montage here of weapon of choice is playing as he's

going around the museum dancing around doing great at his job or whatever right the remote control car pulls the bone this is where the quest for fires over he throws the cave him the lighter he gets tons of bubble gum for the eastern island guy yeah yeah

and what did I and what I assume is a reshoot he's like listen Octavian and Jedediah now your characters you guys need to just you know coexist like the road but the Romans are always trying to take our land or whatever nonsense is going on between the two of them. And Steve

Coogan's doing his best, but there's not much to do. Yeah. No. I do. As a Roman? No. No. I think so. Well, yeah. Anytime, you know, something historical, it's usually British, unless it's something as uncouth as American history. But I love Steve Coogan, and it's sad

to see him at this level. But it's fine. He's, you know, he's all right. Hey, he gets to make the trips. He keeps on making the trips. He does. I think there's even a gay joke he does. like it's Octavius Mary. He calls someone a Mary. Oh, yes, you're right.

That's true. But yeah, their whole thing is the Romans are trying to burrow through the little display wall to get into the Old West side of things. And the Old West figurines are trying to blow a hole in their side of the wall to conquer the Roman part of it. And he's like, so the conclusion has Ben Stiller's like, well, I can just let you all out of your little glass case and you can have this whole room to yourself. if you promise not to cause more movie

Oh no, more movie What they do? This is Steve, this is your favorite Owen Wilson line right here I saw you update your letterbox list. Yes, he's like, come on, Gigantor, what are you doing here? And it's like, there are now three movies

that I've counted. Speed, New Jack City, and Night at the Museum, all have where regularly normal-sized guys are called Gigantor for no reason. Wait, you didn't, you don't have Alexander Rubolove on your list?

Not yet. Because that's the first one. I think that was the originator. Yalu blue gigantor. I think that's something that he says in the movie. Beautiful moment. There might be some adult films where that happens. Yeah, that's true.

Probably. Oh, Gigantor, take me, et cetera. A couple performers probably called Gigantor, I imagine. A couple of guys who are actually in the name so it doesn't work. Yeah. This conversation, though, between Stiller, like Giant Stiller and little Owen Wilson and little Steve Coogan. This is where I just wrote

everything in this scene is completely D-O-A. Like I understand the things that they're saying and I can comprehend it and I understand that like the way in which they're said and the way these words are written, it's supposed to be like a joke and it's supposed to be funny. Like there's no laughs that are landing here.

It's just like a bad open mic night for three minutes. That's similar with the monkey. There's so much, no pun intended monkey business about like him going up. He gives the monkey business. baby keys, oh, little baby monkey, oh, baby monkey. And I thought, I lost a bet with myself, because I could have swore, I would have,

I would have sworn that at some point Ben Stiller would do the, the two fingers on your eyes and the one finger at you thing, that we loved that from like 2001 to maybe 2023. Did that escape beyond the meet the parents averse though? Was he doing that

another movie? That's definitely in that. Yeah, it was his like trademark, but other people always do it now. It's like the fun, oh, I'm looking to you. I really thought I would have guessed that that would happen. It did not. I think he'd begin to, he'd begin an angry call from Bob De Niro if he did that. Well, he should have been

keeping those eyes on those cavemen because they, what, like start a fire. He has to put them out with this fire extinguisher. They start eating the extinguisher, goop. And they throw goop on him. And then we get more slapping of the monkey, of course. And at

this point, this is the second night, and it's more hijinks. And I'm like, I am so bored of all of this already. Like, you know what I mean? This night here that we're talking about where the caveman set stuff on fire, it is the third time there's a joke about this monkey steal in his

keys. The third time. And the second time was the time that he supposedly got the drop on the monkey. Right. And then we get showing it till the Han magic tricks, which is a funny idea on paper. I don't know if it really gets pulled off here

because we're doing gibberish. And I think that's part of the big problem, trying to say magic to him and then sorcery and then this poor guy has to be oh, sorsor! Sour, sure. Dude, because one of the books that he reads to be good at his fucking night watchman job

is talking about how like Atilvahun believed in the, you know, extra possible and like he surrounded himself with sorcerers and whatever else. And like, okay. So that translates into shitty close-up magic that we're doing now. And if he surrounded himself with sorcerers,

shouldn't one of these guys with him be a sorcerer? Yeah, where's the professional? Anyway, we get all those tricks, the ones you know and love, like the flowers coming out of nowhere, disappearing a bandana, coin behind the year. He leaves all this shit out, though,

and that's what gets him fired, essentially, is the next day, fucking pre-guture vase is there and wants to kill him. Well, that's the night when the, one of the cavemen escapes it's the same guys. Yeah, we can't we can't not skip this because so the monkey, after the third time

of stealing Ben Stiller's keys and I'm just sore from laughing the monkey opens a window and kind of just like leaves it or whatever and then Ben Stiller's distracted because the cavemen set the fucking place on fire and whatever else and then

you do have a Robin Williams making a jerk off joke right here because Ben Stiller is literally getting in a slap fight with a monkey and Robin Williams turns the corner and goes, good Lord Lawrence, why are you slapping the monkey? Uh-huh. I'm like, oh, God. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, this fucking, he's trying to like get everybody to like help organize. This is the Columbus joke. I can't remember Columbus's name. Yeah. But Columbus is showing like the fucking windows open or whatever and he sees this caveman outside on like

Central Park West or whatever and he looks out the window and like the sun comes up And this guy just turns to dust. But you know, the thing is with the cavemen saw a bum in on West 81st Street burning a garbage can in Central Park. In 2006, I think you'd be shot for that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why he wants to go outside. The police army is not going to fucking.

Yeah. Well, also now I'm thinking about it. So cavemen speak, you know, Neanderthal, like oook, ook. the Hun speaks nonsense Hun language even Columbus is speaking Italian Why is Steve Coogan speaking He should be speaking Latin

Right those lines are Latin Steve I got you over here That's Steve Coogan He's not to speak Italian No he speaks English And we want him to be funny So we're going to have him speak English Yeah he's going to be just Steve Coogan

I get what you're talking about But no absolutely not No sir But so then like He does, this is what he gets fired in front of his son because the whole fucking museum is a goddamn mess. Dude, and he's, the kid's pulling a pop-in for dad at work, which like, you can't be doing that.

No. You have to get, like, why is this kid, he has so much autonomy here? Like, where is Paul Rudd? Why is he just wandering to this museum with buddies? What is happening? Even the mom needs to be taken care of this, get in. And also, like, it'd be cool if there was an arc for any of this, like, aside from, like, the kid,

respect dad because magic. You know what I mean? Like the mom and I'd be like, oh, wow. You know, you bought, you bought him a nice present. You know, this job is really working out. You've got more responsibility now, something like that. I don't know. I think I smell a in the works, Brandon Walsh with this kid. And that he's going to, he's going to rule the roost. He's going to, once he can actually talk bond trader stuff with Don, I think it's over. I think I think he takes over that house at that point. And like that's honestly, it's good he got humiliated in front of his friends here. It's really, it is absolutely key to his growing up. A humbling. Otherwise, he would have had the ego for way too long, too strongly. He needs to be brought down a level. And this is, this is honestly the greatest, the greatest way for that to happen. So yeah, he sees his dad get fired in front of his eyes. The kids are, you know, wow, cool, cool trip we took the museum today, buddy.

Ben Stiller has to go to the apartment and like try to talk. talk to this kid about like, no, you and your friends left. I got the job back. Don't worry about it. I'm not an unemployed loser or whatever he's doing. I had to beg my boss, Ricky Jervais, for my job back. Isn't that better kids? Yay.

And then we go, he's kicking Carla Gugino out of the museum here. And this is like, again, like I said earlier, like you can't think about it too much. But he's like, he's shuttling her out of this museum, like closing up, we got to go. We got to go. And I was like sitting there like, so no one on this. museum staff has ever had to like pull a late night for some reason like that's the kind of like dumb shit you have to ignore in this because it's a kid's movie but like he's actively like shoeing this woman out of the museum and I'm like asshole she works there maybe she's got

to organize something in the back office and you don't have anything to do with that because you're just the security guard and you don't really know what her job entails she'll be thankful once she meets sacajua okay so whatever her problems are she'll be fine once she gets Sakajua. This is an amazing moment because he's shuddleing around and he asked her like, how's your dissertation going? She's like, oh, it's over. I read all the books and I'm done. I don't know what to do. I read all the books.

I hit a dead end, she says. And I'm like, you've been writing this for four years. Like, fucking finish it. And like, look, you're going to throw your fucking degree away as well? So she's like, I guess I'm back to the drawing board or whatever. And then he's like, well, actually, all these things come to life at night. You can beat Sakachua.

And like, poor Karlo Gujino because this is the script she's been given. It's like, you have to look hurt and say, oh, yeah, make fun of the bookish girl. The history geek. The history geek. You're 35 years old. What are you talking about? Wow.

Give it a rest. Give it a total rest. Yeah. Man, it's awful. And just when you think, it can't get even any more embarrassing for this Ben Stiller character. Here we are, dude. It is time for a night at the museum. And he's like, all right, he's counting down the seconds.

He's anticipating the T-Rex coming to life and impressing this kid. And, dude, he's just calling this dinosaur statue, Rexy. And he's like, come on, Rexy. Come to life, Rexy. I need my son to respect me, Rexy. This kid is like mortified. It's just like, Dad, stop. Like, he's just starting to realize that his father has got a mental issue.

It's crazy. Because he's running around. He's trying to get Teddy Roosevelt to come to life. And he's smacking the stuffed horse's ass. Yeah. But then they go and they see that the tablet is missing. So now we got to go and see what's going on with that. And it turns out, yes, those geysers have made off with it or trying to.

What? And there's some great question. Something, something we want to make money for our retirement. So we're pulling off the going to start heist in history. NBD. No big deal there. Secondarily, it makes us young and vital for some reason. Because they're also dead, I guess, is the idea.

Or almost dead. so it kind of gives them a bit more vigor. A mini adaptation of going in style right in the middle of night at the museum. That's so nice. Unless they're hopscotch. That is the only place I can get hard is with this in the museum with the tablet. But like, yeah, like they feel young or whatever, so they say. But that just gives them like these great fighting skills.

And all these old men just beat the shit out of Ben Stiller. Well, it does give, it does seem to give Mickey Rooney a real heavy. blood lust. It's in his eyes. It's in the way he screams. He's like, I'm going to eat your belly. He looks like he's a biter. It looks he's going to bite your neck. Absolutely. Like a Chucky doll. Yeah, but then the kid gets the tablet or whatever and it's like, Nikki, trust me, turn it. And he has to like convince his kid that maybe he's not crazy. And this is sort of a way, like, let me just

turn this because then after that we can get this guy committed, you know? Yeah. But it's actual, it's actual magic, so everything comes to life. And now chaos ensues. They get trapped in the Egyptian room with the, with the pharaoh there. And they finally released the pharaoh who, as aforementioned, is Romim Malek who can talk. And again, again, his best film, role to date. Looking great also.

He's looking like that. Oh, no dryness in that skin at all. Mm-hmm. Yep. uh so he's he's freed here and yeah somehow he's not like just a moving rotting corpse or whatever but the whole museum is going apes shit we've seen the monkey has already been leading a bunch of the animals out of the museum why i we've we've dealt with this monkey before gentlemen oh is this is a pirate caribbean monkey this is crystal the monkey uh known for the hangover part two uh we bought a zoo of course which is a stay tuned at the shore uh all the that

He's in all the night of the museum's movies. He was in the Fablemans. Wow. But you will remember him from episode Russell Madness. Wow. He's the monkey from Russell Madness. He's the monkey for Russell Maness? He's a fucking celebrity in this movie.

I didn't know it was Russell Madness, previous episode guy. The Academy has to give him an invitation. I'm sorry. This is disgusting. He better not get Farina'd when he goes to Monkey Hell. A hundred percent. He's absolutely getting for Rindonanin. That's bullshit.

This monkey was in. 310 to humor. Why? What? The original? No, no. The thousand-year-old monkey. No, the remake as monkey. Dude, if there's just a monkey with a little cowboy hat in that movie waiting for the train. Oh, that would be so good. I got to re-watch that now. We'll keep my eyes to. I remember liking it. Same. It's okay. It's a mangle. It's a mangle. It's a mangle. Oh, yeah, yeah. So everybody's going ape shit or whatever. And, this is like everything's going crazy

there's things literally escaping the museum at this point and this is where everything stops dead and Ben Stiller does like psychoanalysis on this Attila the Hun mannequin and it's this extended like your dad didn't love you bit and I'm like dude

the movie is put in park right now what are you doing? It really is and really is of course our Egyptian character for some reason can speak Hun and that helps Perch the gap. Can I just go back to Crystal the Monkey just one second?

Of course. What's his spouses and children? Was that the monkey from monkey trouble? The NBC show, no one remembers, called Animal Practice. It had Justin Kirk in it. The log line is animal loving veterinarian despises pet owners. That's fun. This monkey,

Crystal the Monkey, she played. Wait for it. Dr. Rizzo, that's a cute name for a monkey. Seven episodes. They were paid, according to IMDB, $12,000 an episode. Holy shit, clean it up. Hell yes. $12,000 an episode for this monkey.

Oh, is it, second build? That's how you pay a great, you get a great, a shit pickupper to follow you around. Someone to change your diaper, someone you like. Well, that's the thing. It's obviously going to the handler and like the, you know, it's like a McCuller. culling situation this thing's getting nothing from that fucking all it's hard work oh he's getting fun outfits good bananas probably some organic bananas better he might be be like put out to stud you know we got to get new oh no guys of these right and little little monkeys dude they

love fucking like just as much as rabbits oh the capuchins they love to fuck they'll just go they'll fuck anything there is you know i think the civil war thing is very stupid also but I do like the gag where he's trying to talk down like the whole museum and Brad Garrett like screams for everybody to be quiet

and he's like listen Civil War guys I hate to break it to you the North winds the South I'm sorry and you have all these like dudes in like Southern Army like Confederate Army

outfit's like oh which is kind of great he's like the South you get the Alman brothers and NASCAR I don't know you will get to hey no no no no you confess

You Confederate boys, when fucking the Liberty Day parade shows up in Washington, D.C., you will be featured all over that. We need fucking bodies, okay? We need to pretend people went to that. I'm sorry to do this one more time. Another monkey credit, another monkey update. I'm pasting in the chat. This monkey didn't date Natalie Portman, right? Monkey Update.

Oh, no. What is this? This is called Gibby, where she played. give me the monkey and it's a capocha monkey helps Katie a young teenager help her overcome her depression after her mother dies and the cover

is this girl and I assume a gymnastics outfit like doing a tri-office stand and her and her boyfriend it seems like are kissing this monkey this is insane. E210 bian monkey my friend this cast too. Vivica A. Fox is in this?

Heavy duty. Yeah dude and Vivica A. Fox getting the hammer in this movie. How about that? I love it. funny and entertaining says dove.org Is that the soap brand? Yeah, actually, I think it might be. The tagline is, add a little monkey to your life. So there you go. Add a little monkey to your podcast.

Sounds like a lot of monkey in that case. Oh, look at this. I actually looked it up. I went to dove.org. It is not the soap. It is a faith and family focus reviews for today's media site. Oh, it's deranged. Yes. This is insane. Oh, look at all this.

All the stuff that approved on this is pretty, pretty interesting. It's all, it's all shit that's not real. It's not even like mainstream. A toothy, no, a tooth fairy tale? A tooth fairy tale? Yeah, it's all. Not to be, not to just guess at this monkey's politics, but do you think this is a pro-life? You think she's pro-life?

Yes. You think this monkey voted for Trump? Yes, I do. I think they were cheering the day that Roe versus Wade was overturned. Absolutely. Just got an extra banana that day. They finally did it.

I mean, look, and I'm sorry to break it, but yes, this movie has stalled out to Nowhere'sville. But it's now the third, it just like invents the third act out of whole cloth. It's like, well, we're all going to save the museum together, right guys?

Gang together. Yay. Dick Van Dyke steals a goddamn carriage and, like, rides it through Central Park and all of them have to band together to go and hunt him down in Central Park. I'm like, man, if you need that much power to take down, what, 82-year-old Dick Van Dyke, come on now. Come on. There's a fun gag where they're taking the tire, the air out of his tires. This is Octavia to Jedediah, Steve Coogan, and Owen Wilson. And this is where the air is blowing them away. And it's the I'm not quitting. you gag because Steve Coogan's like

you should get out of here save yourself Owen Wilson Cowboy to which he goes Oh wow no I ain't quitting you That's like yeah Yeah make me think about watching that Excellent movie

Good job Hey Hey Sean oh wow Looked on page 97 I got to do a Brokeback Mountain joke Yeah that's gonna be another 50 grand buddy or else I'm walking

Either That joke sucks, and I really hate it, but I will do it for 50 grand. Oh, this movie's going over budget. We're paying Owen Wilson the same as the monkey, which is a fortune. I just heard the monkeys make it more than me, man. Wow. Oh, and that line was in the original scripted. I don't read these things.

Why would I? Oh, wow, 12,000 an episode. Not bad, monkey. You have a good agent. Hey. Oh, wow, that monkey voted for Bush twice. Oh, I don't know. So this is where we get the whales spraying a Dickman Dyke and all these guys are being rounded up by our museum people.

We got Mickey and Bill Cobbs tied up by what was it, the Romans or some shoots. Yeah, the Little Romans, yeah. I mean, like Bill Cobb, you can leave as is. I think you have to, and I'm using this word specifically, destroy Mickey Rooney. Whatever he is, it needs to be destroyed. I can't get my ambulance You'll never get my ambulance Run it around

Yep It's zombie It's zombie rules with him You gotta destroy the brain Right Yes absolutely Just cut his head off if not And if you bites you

You might turn into Mickey Rooney Yourself So be very careful Jesus Yeah not good Rooney But yeah This is the Central Park bit

Yeah Dick Van Dyke's car is destroyed So he runs out On a carriage which I assume is from the museum from an exhibit which we need to set up. We need to have,

this is a Jack the Ripper fucking part of it or something. Yes, that'd be nice. Highless horsemen. If he was dressed up fully like Jack the Ripper with the hat, which I assume he had.

And then the medical bag, I assume he had. Yes. That'd be great. Well, it's awful here too, right? Because they're like, oh my God, Dick Van Dyke escaped with this,

like, it's like some sort of civil war. era like military horse thing sure and he's like oh the he escaped into the night how are we ever going to track him cut to Ben Stiller throwing a rock through the Sakajua display window so she can come out and use her

tracking skills to find where this carriage went and I'm like is it or is it not a mannequin from upstate New York what is going on I think that's something in like this late second act when everyone's having problems he's like come on teddy roosevelt you need to help me he's like oh i'm not teddy roosevelt i'm just you built the panama canal and all this shit and he's like i just i'm a

manic i'm a mannequin from kentucky or whatever not and he drops the mid-atlantic accent when he does it yes yes yes it just speaks like robin wanes so then what the fuck the movie's confused it doesn't know what's happening so he uh teddy saves sacager we have from the carriage and then he gets got in half here yeah bifurcated bifurcated bifurcated Hell yeah. But yeah, so they're chasing him, chasing him, chasing him. Oh, yeah. When Dick Van Dyke's like, oh, yeah, well, these horses, you see, they're whatever the fuck, military horses, they're trained to not stop unless you use the secret word.

And because we know Ben Stiller read a children's book on the Civil War, he just goes, oh, yeah, a word like Dakota. And these horses stop dead in their tracks. And this 90-year-old man goes flying off into the snow. yards away. Dude, this guy's dead. Tablet or no, this dude's dead. Didn't even get to finish his activia. Didn't get to do it.

Didn't even get my daily shit. Actibia. Then so they give the tablet back to Akman Ra. And Ben Steelers' character, it's really, it's not verbatim, but it's pretty much, hey, this is yours, Akhman Ra. Don't you know how to end the movie? And then like, like, he just, he takes it and he's looking at it. Rami Malik is and he just like bleep bloops a couple of little stones and like

somehow a call goes out like a siren song to get all of these animals and all the other creatures to just come back to the museum. Okay. That's a new power. This thing didn't have three minutes ago. I do appreciate that it does cause the end of the movie though. I do like that. True. True. I will up for this decision because it does end the movie. Thank God. He has called Carla Gugino, hey, it's me that weird guy from work calling you in the middle of the night. You should definitely come here. No reason. Oh, so that's who's been calling with the heavy breathing at night all the time. Yeah. This is, she shows up. This is Charlie Murphy's like the cab driver. And he's got one of those like the city's crazy kind of lines as all the like the elephant

and whatever walking back into the museum. And she's like shitting her pants looking at all this stuff. And then we get, this is like Cronenberg level body horror. Saccojuwea using like hot wax to melt Teddy Roosevelt back into one piece. Oh, God. But he's flesh, right? Like, I'm looking at him. He's flesh. No, you're wrong.

You're incorrect on that. It's whatever. He's a wax man. Yeah. Well, in the TV series, the very popular TV series, Gargoyles, if you cut Goliath's arm off, you could put what he's in Gargoyle, you can't fix it with cement dude like that thing's bleeding right i'm going to tell you

something this isn't gargoyles oh god of those rules gargoyles is more adults for mature it does it sure is things about things so here we go here's you can meet your fucking heroes saccajuwea and she's just like

oh saccajuwea I'm your biggest fan oh man and she's like now I can finish my dissertation I talk to saccajuwea and she said she likes olives. What the fuck? God and damn it.

This woman turns around and says to Carla Gugino like, well, what would you like to know? And I'm like, about what? The fucking Pekipsy Manichin factory? What knowledge do you actually have? So then what? We get this whole thing at the ending here. We get Pat Kiernan on New York One.

Dude, you could, I mean, that was part of his deal in New York One is like he had to be at any movie set in New York. They were, they finished the movie. And they're like, dude, you need to put Pat Kiernan. in this, or we're all in trouble. It was like something in the mayor's office. Somehow that was like part of the city charter or something.

No, guess what? We're going to push back the nut job for one week so we can get in an animated pack unit. Oh, hell yeah, dude. It's called like news guy. I'd watch that. And like the museum is a mass record jamesis is finally going to fire him. He's like, give me your keys or whatever.

And then in the news reports, it's like, oh, look at this. Everybody. Everybody wants to come to the museum. Everybody wants to come because Pat Kiernan's story is there's a bunch of dinosaur tracks throughout Central Park this morning because there was a light snow on the ground. Look at all these dino tracks.

And oh, there's cave drawings on the subway, which I do appreciate we have correct geography here. We cut to the 81st Street subway station for the Natural History Museum. So I appreciated that. But yeah, there's also video footage of like Neanderthals on the roof of the museum. like fucking with the American flag or something. People think it's like a publicity stunt to get people to go to the museum. Because you'll forget when they were firing the older night guards,

there's a line about how no one goes to museums anymore. Oh my God. That is the funniest part of all of this is that this museum is like hurting for attendance dollars. No way in hell. It is like the top, the national history museum is like in the top 15 tourist sites in New York, if not top 10. Oh, it has to be. everybody because no one wants to look the met's a bit stuffy i love the met but like it's it's very

arty like you bring up for kids to the museum that is what everybody does that is the museum and that's why what people are doing here there's a there's i guess more people than usual that morning so rickie jervais has to this meekly hand back his flashlight and his badge or whatever the hell dude it's keys and flashlight as if it is badge and gun yes i i thought we were going because he's like, give me a keys, give me a flashlight. I thought it was going to be like, you're going to get a desk right here because you're the new publicity director

or something, you know what I mean? Right. Yeah, a big promotion, you know what I mean? But that would, listen, he has to stay as the night guard to ensure sequels. You can't have the day guy. Yeah, it's true. So, yeah, and then we get Nikki doing a presentation all about his dad for career day.

And he works at the museum. Another fucking career day. Jesus Christ. What is this? Every semester? Hey, a question for Mr. Daly. If I, like, drop my gum on the floor, do you got to pick it up at the museum? Is that what you do? What do you do?

Gum, gum, dumb, dumb, dumb. Your gum comes to life at night and it can just walk around. It's fine. Well, actually, great, great question, Eric, because the idea is, I assume any object that can be personified comes to life. Little trinkets, little this, little that. Yeah. If I have, are my pennies talking to me? Like, is like, A. Blinket on.

my penny like hello steepin how are you oh that's interesting yeah is it like beauty and the beast shit like are is there like a silverware display somewhere in the museum and they're all fucking chit-chatting and dancing around i don't know a lot of talking plush shit dolls that's fucking an army of plush dolls there's got to be some crucifix somewhere in the museum so who's playing jesus oh yeah someone want to get me down for beer oh boy are my arms tired Get Brad Garrett for that too Oh, the Romans The Romans got me

Yeah, I'm Jesus So yeah, he does this How many of you Been in the museum? Yeah, some may say That's where history comes alive Cut to Oh, man, I didn't This was like baby dance party

Dude, this was like getting hit by a bus I had no idea this was coming Fucking earthwind and fire September, that's what we're playing over dancing at the museum and everybody's having a great time dude and then this kid he says Ben Stiller says to the kid

he goes you ready to go home this kid goes nope and the last thing you see is Ben Stiller like laughing maniacally I've never seen him look like this it is unsettling this big joker laugh that he's doing not great oh but everybody's having a great time aren't they

including our three old bastards who I guess instead of going to jail for trying to rob the museum their punishment now like they have to work in the museum again until they die under Ben Stiller I guess probably it's like the Seinfeld judge

plot line where it's like he said their sentence to be the butler they are like cleaning the floors there now that's their new job well weren't there janitors before who's who is cleaning I mean look those floors need to be waxed every don't exist yep

yeah there's no overnight janitorial staff it's just this night watchman doing it all I guess sure that's why I guess got to get like these these inanimate things that come to life under your control so you can then dictate like all right this week you know the the hans you're clean in the floor the fucking neanderthals you're polishing all the glass cases you do it the bathroom you make these things work for you guys are doing the bathrooms dude sorry that's just how it is monkey you're fixing the toilet tonight come on you know but as it stands i will say a nice little note to end this movie on

is you do see Dick Van Dyke doing some fun dancing. And it's amazing that like even, I mean, yeah, he's going to be 100. So this is just about 20 years ago. So like, yeah, him, whatever this is in his very late 70s or early 80s, still just dancing with a mop stick.

It's so great. And then what's amazing is like Bill Cobbs kind of too cool for the room. He's just standing there like, please let this end. And then Nikki Rooney showing you why, historically, he is the lesser entertainer between him and Dick Van Dyke.

Because he's trying to, also like dance and entertain everybody and it looks fucking terrible and Dick Van Dyke's just still doing it it's smooth he looks cool bad idea you should have got him some chicken heads I'll just bite him right off in front of the camera here Sean what do you think

about that I could be the geek Sean Levy I was made for it oh man but that is the end of this movie we'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts as to what we're thinking here on this this night at the museum movie here chris cabin horrible it's like this is way more boring than i thought it would be and like i guess it's just that i haven't watched enough of these like i think i

watched tower heist maybe a couple years ago or got like 40 minutes in before i bailed out tower heist i will say is better than this movie it also features eddie murphy in it and it's actually kind of like not as much of a family comedy as you'd think it is more of an actual like heist comedy pseudo-skewing more for adults. Yeah. Murphy is good in it. Overall, not so good in my opinion, but this is definitely worse just because of all of the, as we've highlighted, like, all of the mismatch, like, we'll allow this for

this thing, but then it goes away for this thing. But then here we go with that thing and that thing that goes there. Like, it just works for scene to scene and that's how it goes. That annoys me. It makes me kind of detached from your movie. And you don't have a performer in the middle of it like a Jim Carrey or any Murphy that I care about enough that I'm sticking around and paying attention to just have their entertainment hit me. So yeah, no good to me in my opinion. There you go. Eric Siska. No, not for me. Not

a recommend. It's okay to like a movie if you like it, but I feel like comedy should not feel this tedious all the time. These are such underdeveloped characters. Like they might as well all be fucking mannequins that came to life at night. So it's a no for me. No, thank you. Steve Sadek. Yeah, like, I'm a lifelong state head. I love the state growing up. I still enjoy it now, although it's kind of unwatchable

when the music's ripped out. But, like, I have goodwill towards almost all those guys, Michael Ian Black. But almost all those guys. And, like, it's... I like Robert Penn Garant and Tom Lennon. For a while, they were on this, like, kind of like,

hot streak, because this movie was huge. They did. They also wrote the Pacifier, like, Balls of Fury, was not great but like they wrote a bunch of movies that made money and they they wrote this book that's like you know writing movies for fun and profit or whatever it's a big book at the time and like I never read it but I'm curious like

is the book just like get to a hundred pages because that's what this movie is it's just like no matter what you do just somehow get to 100 pages because like this is an inert screen play at least what's on the screen I can't tell you what the screen play is it's just totally inert in terms of like character motivation

like act structure like how what moves, what, like, what the problem is, how we solve the problem, et cetera, et cetera. Characterization and on and on. It's just like, it's a total fucking nothing. And like, to Chris's point, it's a much more boring than I thought it would be. Like, because it's, if it's just a fun, crazy night thing, I would be forgiving of it. I wouldn't like it, but I'd be forgiving of it. This is just, woof.

Yeah, yeah. You know, and I'm looking here, you know, I mean, this first one alone over 250 million. dollars domestically worldwide. It hit almost $580 million unsurprisingly the following two in 2009 and 2014

respectively had diminishing returns. The third one domestically did not crack $114 million. So massive fall and then there's something, I don't know if this was animated or what the deal is. There's some sort of Disney Plus thing from 2020 night at the museum, Kuman Ra,

rises again. It is animated. I was looking at it. Yeah. And Zachary Levi replaces Ben Stiller's character. I think it's focused on the kid is now the guy, is now the museum. I saw that the kid actor who played Nikki in these movies, he plays

the first two. And then the third one, he's recast by the guy that played Gideon on Righteous gemstones. Oh, wow. Skyler, Skylar Gizondo, soon to be Jimmy Olson. And yet, wow. And, you know, Zachary Levi, FYI, the reason you got this shitty movie is not because you're conservative, it's because you're bad actor.

That monkey's doing just fine. That monkey is very conservative. He's an outspoken conservative voice in Hollywood. Yep. Yeah. It's why Kleeneas, but it always fails. That is going to do it for this conversation on Sean Levy's Night at the Museum. Also, putting

a cap on season 15 of we hate movies, by the way, which is pretty crazy. And as always say at the end of every season you know we keep doing this because you keep listening so thanks a lot for sticking in for another season i can already tell you what we're thinking about kicking around for season 16 is shit you're not going to want to miss that's for darn sure absolutely but we're not going anywhere anytime soon we've got new episodes out next week we've got uh all new patreon stuff as well coming down that's right august itself will be ripe with uh patreon stuff so

you don't have to worry about that at all and like every summer we will be releasing live episodes and some unlocked things while we're on break here. But in the meantime, also, speaking to that Patreon, patreon.com slash we ate movies. If you sign up, you can get episodes just like this very one, commercial free on our ad-free tiers, plural that we have there. So consider that. Consider what else we got going on.

What have we got going on this July? We had Jaws as the We Love movies at the top of the month. That was a lot of fun celebrating a really good big blockbuster. fantastic 4 the animated series thing oh yeah that takes a swipe at rosan the moleman episode where Brian Austin green does the rap yes we talked about that

in full on the Patreon absolutely Melro 210 as always banging around we're dealing with Kelly's a diapil addiction right now we're up to our knees in that and as well as Brandon's gambling issues but you know We're soldiering on and, of course, things are sexy and boiling over in Melrose's place. As always, the demons are afoot and they're really doing their work.

A real baller nexus this month where it's the Territon incident on Toastus, the animated series, where everyone's a little tiny little guys there. Oh, yeah. Speaking of tiny guys. And Picard is yelling at Gene Simmons, not the rock or the actress on TNG. Yes, a lot of fun. On the Gleap Glossary, we're talking about Admiral Piet this month. my favorite pencil pushers of the

Star Wars universe. And don't forget, we have a singable commentary track out now on John Wick Chapter 2, which is a lot of fun. Hell yeah. So yes, that is it for this season and are in studio episodes, but like we mentioned, just seconds ago. Yes,

a live episode is on the way. Steve Sadek, what is going on on this feed next Tuesday? Oh, it's one you guys have been waiting for for a long time. It's Harry and the Henderson's. Yes. this is our live show yes last november we were in the p and w doing a couple shows this is one a lot of lithgow impressions there a lot of just filth talk about harry that beast

such as he is oh yeah uh so that is going to be a lot of fun to look forward to and remember you got to listen to those uh the intros that we record for those episodes because that's where you're going to find out what's going on you know the next week and so on through uh through our summer break here so do not forget don't skip those intro where you hear the little waves going and everything. In those, we will have things like what's coming out next week. And also for one of them

buried in the August listings, that's right. The final VHS trailer game of the season is going to happen. So you're going to want to stick around this August for that as well. So yes, that's it. Again, another amazing season in the books. Well done, fellas. We give ourselves a little

golf clap here. Absolutely. That's it. Enjoy what's left to you. Summer here. to stay hydrated, try to stay cool, and we will see you back around this way in September with new in-studio episodes. But until then, enjoy the summer reruns and live episodes and all that good stuff. And I have been, Andrew Juppen, Stephen Seda. Eric Sisker, Chris Gavin. Take it easy. Thank you. Thank you.