We Hate Movies - S15 Ep816: The Goonies (Live in Portland, OR)

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

Recorded November 17, 2024 at Mississippi Studios - Portland, OR “He’s a man-monster, I’m sorry!” - Steve on Sloth On this week’s Summer Live episode, it’s our wild show from last year in the great city of Portland, Oregon where we were talking about local favorite and Dick Donner classic, The Goonies! How cool is that jailbreak sequence with all the fire and what-not? Was there an old lady more terrifying than Anne Ramsey? What is Martha Plimpton’s character doing at the beginning of this movie, bobbing for crabs? Is all this over-talking what it would be like if Robert Altman made a film with child protagonists? And why did they leave in that Sean Astin name flub take? PLUS: Move over Truffle Shuffle, it’s the Bologna Bounce! The Goonies stars Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Jeff Cohen, Corey Feldman, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, Ke Huy Quan, Robert Davi, Joe Pantoliano, Anne Ramsey, Lupe Ontiveros, Mary Ellen Trainor, and John Matuszak as Sloth; directed by the late, great Richard Donner. Don’t sleep on snagging your tickets to our 15th Anniversary show this December where we’re talking all things Arnold in Total Recall! It’s gonna be a gas and we wanna see you there! Click through for tickets now! Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

...withal... ...and... ...and... ...a... ...with... ...the... ...of... ...a...

...a... ...with... Shut those fucking kids up for five kids up for five... Being on the beach, surrounded by children. This is awful. Why don't you do some job? Huh? Why don't you take care of your kids?

All right. Oh, my God. They're over there screaming again. Well, you know what? This is actually how kids sound, right? This is why the Goonies was a revolutionary movie. That's right. We are dealing with obnoxious kids on the fact that, you know, you didn't want to spend the extra money to go to the fucking all-inclusive that was kid-free. So this is what we're dealing with what we're dealing with. Big mistake. Huge mistake. But you are getting ready to enjoy, yes, WHM live in Portland, Oregon, talking the

Goonies. This was a wild time, man. What a wild-ass show. It was great being back at Mississippi Studios. Thanks to all the folks there. Really had a hell of a venue. Hell of a fucking venue. Hell of a crowd. Portland, Oregon. I love you. We always have a blast whenever we go there. And it was great because we were like, you know, we were in the belly of the beast daring to poke fun at Goonies. And everybody wound up having a really nice time. It was fun. There was folks that came in costume as Goody characters that really put a smile on this old man's face. They do, the Portland people love the Goonies.

I remember, like, the day of the show, I had brunch at just some, like, hit brunch spot. I don't remember where it was, but they were playing the goodies. And I'm like, is this? Of course. Oh, and then you were walking on the street and, like, someone knew you were in town for the show. They threw a brick at you, dude. Yeah, so we love Portland, Oregon, and we had a great time doing the show. And you, you know what else other city we love.

We love Brooklyn, New York. Brooklyn. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yes. Our 15-year anniversary show is coming up, which is insane. Tickets are on sale now. It's for Saturday, December 6th

at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York. Doors at 7, show at 7.30. What title are we talking about, guys? Oh, we better get our ass to the Bell House because we are talking about Total Recall. Yes, we've never done Total Recall. This is the OG Arnold one. It's going to be a blast.

We really, we're not doing a WHM on the remake. We are doing the LM on the original. That is correct. Dinky. Len Wiseman, stinky. Not good. Yeah, yeah, very stinky. Oh, yeah. Poor Colin Farrell, man. Oh, man. Thank God the penguin came around.

Yeah, his career balanced itself out. But Arnold's, he was top of the world then. He was like, fucking, just king shit for a little while. What he'll be talking about is king shit phase at the Bell House for a 15-year anniversary show. When can you start at 730 on December 6th? That's right. Go to wh HMpodcast.com slash tour for tickets now. But, guys, we also have Patreon offerings going on all month.

John in the back room doesn't want you to hear about what our WLM is. Oh, my God, John is like, oh, just listen to the live episodes. People don't love the live episodes. Some people complain about it. If you don't like the live episodes, if you're unlike John in the back room, you should listen to our Casino Royale, WLM, which is out already. It's an amazing episode. We talk about Daniel Negranu.

We talk about, that's all I remember. It's a lot of Daniel DeGranu. It's a lot of fun. It's us showing our ass, me and Steve, that we kind of like followed professional poker on television back in the day. A lot of Bond. Yes. But, you know, yeah, a lot of Bond talk, a lot of Daniel Craig talk, a lot of kind of talking about the new movie, such as what we knew about it at the time of the recording. It's a lot of fun.

That dropped last week. Also dropping last week, you guys. That's right. Oh, man. This month's once in a lifetime edition. We were talking about the client list with Jennifer Love Hewitt, which we all saw earlier than. summer in the I still know what you did or I know

what you did last summer remake there Oh yes that's that's obviously taking a hold across America We got fever Jennifer Love fever is back And we're talking about her co-starring Hooters in that The Client List

It is a weird little Lifetime movie That spawned a lot of interest And it had a TV series They got two seasons So tune into that it's a rub and tug adventure. Sex workers in the

lone star state, really. That's right, man. Genuinely curious how they made that episodic TV. It was like a tug of the week, huh? Yeah, I think every episode would have a happy ending. It's like house. Like, she has to figure out what the jerk off is. That's right. That's what the kink is

to come. Yeah, of course. Speaking of jerking off, that's what weird Australian, Chris, wants to do all over Sydney each and every week on Melrose Place for some reason. Because he's a real creep and he has gone like full like nightmare dude at this point and he's uh he's a

really awful person at this point not that he was ever really that good of a guy Melro 2 and oh we love that show we're also talking whatever the fuck movie of the week 902 and 0 has turned into it's super fun right yeah we just uh I think in July right we did the uh diet pill saga with Kelly so

the hits keep on coming and cautionary tales obviously on Beverly Hills 9-021 I know. That's right. And you can catch this all new episode. This coming Thursday, the 14th of August, it's dropping you guys. Speaking of cautionary tales, you might have been way too into invaders Zim back in the day. That is our animation damnation. We're talking about the pilot episode. The nightmare begins. None of us have seen this show before. We're excited to dig into and have a little fun with it. Kick the tires. Obviously, it's okay to like a show or a movie. I might even enjoy this. I'm kind of excited.

I could very well enjoy it too. I got no idea. what it's about at all, except I know that the episode comes out next Thursday, the 21st. And you are a guy that I've noticed will watch full series after we do them on animation damnation. So this might be another one. It could very well be. And you know what? We're kicking

the tires over there, but we're kicking the weird mechanical spider legs over at the bleak glossary. That's right. Thank you, Chris. He's talking about Darth Mall, our friend who I don't, I genuinely don't know what's going on with him. I know he's got problem.

Yeah, it does seem that way, but I don't know how it learned it. Oh, boy. Oh, that's too bad. Kids don't talk to him anymore. You know, it's embarrassing. He's horny as hell. Have you seen his head? Ah, yes. I have. I have. So, oh, yes, okay, so that wouldn't make sense, yeah. But yeah, that gleeve glossary is going to be awesome. Dropping this August the 28th.

And speaking of space sagas, we are of course continuing our lovely project of the Nexus, which we're talking about Star Trek, the next generation, in Star Trek. the animated series toastas we call it next time on

this month on we're talking about half a life on next generation I don't know this one this is half a life is this the oh it's Alex want to try oh crap

I thought we were supposed to be on vacation oh damn it that's gonna be torture I don't even remember which one it is though it just doesn't even matter that's that last that last that's that last whip of the Balrog getting and when they've fallen down.

Yep. Here come to Barrog. Oh, that's unfortunate. This might be one of those Nexus episodes where the cartons better than the TNG. Yes, and I mean, like, you know, Loxwana Troy, very annoying, like those Gooney kids, like those

rotten goony kids. That's right, yes. Yes, that's right. So enjoy us from Mississippi Studios live last year. Last year? Yeah, last year. Talking the Goonies, enjoy. Here we are hanging on the strains of green and blues. With the chain and we break down.

Oh, it's not real. Don't feel it, unspoken, that's bad passion ideas you used to play with that finally taken shape. Good enough for you is good enough for it's good enough for it. Good enough. It's good enough for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now you said you're going to feel the whole. I want to be an... Taffy butt. You have a... Any Bob's Burger's fans here? Oh. Yes. Oh, that's what you were doing.

Yeah, I had it in my head the whole day. I was like, wow, he's a pretty sure. sharp little weird ass There's treasure in that box I mean let's start talking over each other like the And somehow

this is a classic to a lot of you to a lot of you people Listen Yeah It is okay to like a movie It is okay to like a movie He was not saying this four hours ago. He's lying.

He's very distinctly not saying that. Eric was spitting mad watching this movie. Oh, God, I'm going to lose my house now. I agree with Martha Plimpton, who says in this very movie, it feels like a babysitting and not getting paid for it. And I'm like, you madam are totally correct. You paid for it. You paid for it.

That's nice. I should be getting $5 an hour, and I can take $2.4. fucking popsicles from the freezer if I want to while I'm watching this movie. Portland, what is going on? Oh, it's good to be back in this town, I'll tell you right now. Marvelous town you have here.

Good to be back. It's been a minute. A couple of years, Pando, you know, that whole thing. So we're really happy to see y'all out here. Thanks so much for coming out. Yeah, we're going to talk about the Goonies. Now, big question before we get going. How many of y'all are familiar with the show we run on the internet? thank you all right excellent we're listening any first timers this is a comedy show where you take a movie good better otherwise and kind of kick it around for a little bit yes I saw someone raise their hand first timer yeah we are so sorry

it's all right I am so sorry just prepping here it's all right it's all right now I'm curious like obviously huge movie so I'm not if you're gonna bother with the how many do you see this before we announce it for the show but how many of you had not seen it before we announced it for the show but how many of you had not seen it before we announced it the show. A couple of folks. Did you take the plunge and this morning loved it? Love it. Fucking loved it. That's awesome. I like that. I wish I could say the same, frankly. I imagine the two gentlemen in cosplay have seen this before.

Wow. The chunk and slop. Wow. This is awesome. I like that. That's beautiful. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Are you going as Chunk or Chunk's father? Because the whole family's exactly the same. Either way, at the end of tonight, you're moving in together, right?

Just like the characters. As you should. Dude, you gotta ask before you just start throwing that shit around. Hey, Ma, I'm bringing back a fully grown adult to live with us. That's cool, right? A man monster. I'm sorry. Well, the dog just died, so

maybe. There's space in the garage. Yeah, you know, he's not a month. Jack Kirby fucking the thing-esque man monster. He's not a monster. He's just Italian. Oh, I get it. I see. I see. I can say that. I married one. Definitely more becoming than Davy, I will say. Robert Davy is a lesser to sloth.

That is a real monster. Robert Davy, that's a fucking Halloween costume. Oh, my God, yes. Was he secretary of the interior now? I lost track. I think so. I didn't recognize him in this movie because he wasn't just sitting on a dash cam yelling shit about Obama. I hope he does, I think he's going to be Secretary of Entertainment

and I hope he does his whole job from the car that's it. He doesn't have to go anywhere, doesn't have to be anywhere, just in the car all the time. So this movie kicks off like you want any classic children's film to do with a man faking his own hanging

in a jail cell. Of course. Yes, yes. Get all the kids into the theater for this shit. Look at this dude's feet swinging. It is, I was thinking about this before. This is like definitely, I mean, it's also written by Chris Columbus, but this is very clearly like pre-Hary and Marv

bumbling buffoons. These dudes will kill these kids. They have no problem. If they have the opportunity, they will fucking murder each and every one of these kids. They had so many chances and missed it. You have to kill these kids.

I mean, that's the jail effect. Mama definitely taught them to kill. Oh, yeah. It's just fair. By the way, you got to kill them. I love the idea of having a suicide side notes, starting to whom it may concern. Well, it's just, it's kind of polite, you know.

You don't know who's going to be on shift at the jail that name. You don't know who's going to discover you, you know? I mean, we do start, the actual movie does start with a prophetic moment, I feel. Get WB and then a skull. So Zavlov was in the cards back then. Way, way, way

back then already. Yeah, it's a little Easter egg hinting at the future. It's also a real weird, like, totally silent opening. Like, no music, no, like, you're introducing a fun movie, give me a little boop-b-d-d-do-do-do-do, here comes to the good, just deafening silence, nothing, I thought

the TV was broken? Yes, exactly. I was fiddling with the remote. I thought what the hell is going on with this? There's just like little clink, it's like, it's supposed to be like dramatic, like you hear the clinking of a jail cell, I'm like, this isn't a Michael Mann movie. Where I'm about to watch a kid smush pizza against the one, and go like,

oh no! I do, yeah, I feel like Stephen Spielberg, like, got the script. He's like, on page two, like, Hey, Chris, this suicide attempt? No, no, keep reading. It gets cute. Does it? I mean, Robert Davy killing himself kind of cute. I see that as adorable.

Hey, Chris, I just got to this man monster locked in a cave, forced to watch television. Keep reading. Your heart will warm eventually. Oh, he's Italian. Oh, okay. You know what? That's great. but this is the I will say

something nice about this movie I like the way in which this jailbreak sequence introduces us to all the characters of the film because they're all like not paying attention to what's going on except like Chunk maybe Chunk notices but the rest of the way fucking around when Chunk notices boy

who he notices everyone ignores him he's the one who actually sees all this and they're like fuck you Chunk I'm gonna slam my food on the window and this Well, milkshake? Burst in everywhere and go, ah, shit. Whoever owns this arcade knows what's happening when this kid comes in.

Oh, sure. They have to know that this is... That window has been cleaned at least 100 times. He does this every day. It's like, oh, what's that bird looks interesting? Let me shove my pizza on the window. I think he's eating it after. You know that fucker's eating it.

There's a five-second rule. Like right off the window. Oh, yeah. Yes. See, now here's the problem. This is why I've never really connected with this film. It's a fat kid minstrel show, okay? Yep, yep.

And it absolutely is. Yes, correct. Watching it in a group made me feel unsafe as a child. Because, you know, we're watching this thing, and they're like, oh, look at that fat kid. Hey, wait, that kid's pretty fat. You know what I mean? I'm like, now I'm the target. Now the jokes aren't going that way.

They're going this way. Yeah, yeah. And when I was a kid, I watched, you know, the truffle shuffle happens. I'm like, he looks pretty thin to me. Well, that was the awful thing, and that's why, probably one of the reasons I didn't see it until I was a grown adult, which is if you do it like I did,

you won't give a fuck about it, right? But as kids, my age, started finding the movie, they found the truffle shuffle, and then it was like, hey, fat fuck, do it. Yeah, exactly. You do it, Andrew. Well, I mean, as a young man who did,

I hate to just admit this, but the bologna bounce. I didn't like that they took a walk with it There's an actual thing It's called baloney bounce Not preffle shuffle Okay That's the upstate New York version

It's like a hoagie and a grinder It's the same dance we just call a different shit It's a regional expression Yeah that was always the thing I was like you know what you guys enjoy that one I'm back here I already feel shitty enough about myself Every fucking day of my life

You were a heavyweights lover, were you not? No, same deal. Same situation. I'm not going into a position. Hey, Steve, you ever going to that camp or what? Exactly. I mean, I guess, because I remember seeing heavy weights as a young fat man myself and being like, it's like watching a Lars von Trier movie when you're that young. Exactly.

Oh, God, this is just getting too close to things I don't want to talk about. Hey, is that movie about you? Oh, wait, no, like good things happen to those kids and they grow from the experience. You're just still that. They survived Ben Stiller, all three versions of them. But yeah, we have Anne Ramsey, of course, as Mama for jelly. Get into the truck, let's go. There's a reason they wanted to throw me from the train.

Yes, Daddy DeVito. He said he would be here. Now, Steve, you said this, so I don't want to snipe your joke or whatever. But West Craven clearly saw this and was like, I'd like to have her head exploded by a basketball. Yeah, absolutely. She deserves it. There's a movie called Deadly Friends.

If you don't know what we're talking about, seek out a West Craven movie called Deadly Friend to watch this old lady's head explode when it is hit with a basketball thrown by a killer robot. Played by Christy Swanson. That's right, yes, previous episode. Yeah, Christy Swanson, who's also now in the administration, I understand, right? Yeah, yeah, it says.

Or is she dead already? What's happening with that? No, she's a liar. She'll be secretary of the shittier Buffy. Secretary of talking And also that was another reason I scared I was kind of afraid of Anne Ramsey as a kid too Like a grandmother fear

It's like I don't like that lady Did you have like a big nasty Italian grandma Oh I sure did Really? Yeah yeah She'd give you like five across the eyes like Anne Ramsey It would happen yeah It was like a full grampy like shriveled yet like violent Yes

So the grab her So that the grandma was the origins of your fear Yeah of course yeah yeah Because I just was like Oh, that looks way too much like the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid. I need to back up a little bit here. I don't like this.

I like that that's what... The Ernest movies would scared you, and then you applied that knowledge to this movie. When I went back to it, you understand. I do... To your point, the... So, yeah, she's driving the car.

The great Joe Pantleano. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yes. Fantastic hairpiece in this movie, so much so that I was like, wow, it's 1985. He was looking really good.

Of course, the thing's ripped right off at the end of the movie. And he's doing this thing with the gasoline. He laughs like the Joker at the beginning. And I'm like, that's kind of cool. Yeah, totally. Give me a little of that and something. Let him be maniacal again.

And it looks a lot of fun to pour gasoline outside of police station. It's exciting. Come on. And then shoot it with a gun while they're running out. And then they're like, oh, it's a wall of fire. If I had the chance, I would love to do it, is what I'm saying. It was a pretty cool move. Yeah, and then you peel out of there with your mama-mia or whatever.

Yeah, it's a car. It is a great scene. Anne Ramsey, like, do this stick shift, though. She's really, like, got it. Like, getting the fucking guy. Well, she's making her way through a premium cracker for some reason. Dude, yeah, she just takes a big

wet bite out of a saltine. Oh, I don't need to see this woman eat. Just mushing in that old woman's mouth. Wow. It's easy to digest. I do, like, so, yeah, it's a cool thing. The scora kicks in. We're having fun. We meet all of our

characters, and everything makes sense. Except Martha Plimpton is doing what? Bathing in a horse trough? Getting a crab from a bucket. It looks like bobbing for apples, but it's live crabs. Maybe that's a thing you guys do. They do it, they do it. What is she, Beetlejuice?

I don't know. That's something Beetlejuice would do. Her head is submerged in an outside thing of water. And she sort of like whips it up like a Bauderick moment together. There's like crabs and like shit in this. water? I imagine one of her parents is a fisherman and does this and that's what, but we

don't see it because we have to get back to the over-talking. That's what we have to do. Talk over everybody. We're trying to introduce these characters, but children haven't been yelling over one another. Maybe it's like discipline, right? Because their father's a surly old fisherman, you know the type. That's possible. And it's just like, you put your head in that trough before, you know,

that's like a grounding type. Oh, I see, yeah. You do something disgusting. The fat boy did the pizza and the milkshake. Now you do something disgusting. you hear me and you're meeting everybody a trunk is very excited we see Corey Feldman

is helping his dad with a sink or something why are you repairing your house when it's being ripped apart in the next day or two because I think it's like wishful thinking you know what I mean maybe if we do everything we're supposed to be doing

they went demolish our house for a golf course or whatever's going on here if I was a goony dad I'd be wishfully drinking I would be like spraying mustard over everything Just like, the biggest Frenches they have and just all over my wall. That's the first step of the bologna bounce.

You know what? Step one, cover yourself in yellow mustard. Step two, disgust of the whole neighborhood. You don't want to know fourth or fifth. That gets really nice after that. Here's the thing. As much as I love Kihei Kuan, and I do.

I think he's great. I don't like inventor characters. So this is just impossible for me. I'm sorry. You are introduced to, of his child, Batmaning across from his window to the other house. Just go next door and knock on the door

with this shit. Now, did he invent the gate outside of the Walsh's home? What is with this game? I don't know. The whole fucking town is cursed with gadgets and booby traps is to hate it. And it does seem like it's all dated doing that. Yeah. That seems like mostly his thing.

He was like, kids, we have a new border. Peewee Hermit. That's the thing. That drove me nuts because I swore that was this, but I think pee we came out the same year In August, as compared to June for this year. It's all Rube Goldbergian donkey shit. That I don't, like, what do you call it? Honey, I Shrek the kids.

He's like, oh, I'm making breakfast, and it's so stupid. Dude, it's like, it's, and it's even in movies I love. Doc Brown with the fucking dog food. Just open a can of dog food and feed the animal you're responsible for. No, what if I do it, convoluted? Listen, honestly, I'm usually hung over during breakfast time, so I don't know, Einstein. Good luck. I was up late, drinking with kids.

We've got minutes of runtime to burn, Bonnie. We've got to get through it. That's some relationship. That's sort of like a sloth thing, too. But it is so weird, like this movie, we actually, a couple nights ago, how many people were at the Harry and Henderson show? Oh, nice to see it.

Thank you. It's another one of these, like, Spielberg-Personnet jobs. Like, these like, I'm the silent partner, Steven Spielberg. This, though, he's clearly less embarrassed because his name's on it and it's in the trailer and everything. With Harry and the Henderson's, it's like,

all right, you can put the Amblin ET logo on, but my name's nowhere near this fucking thing. It's a real, I wouldn't be caught dead directing this situation, but I think it might make money. But so. Yeah, but I'd be caught cash in the check. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, you could Xerox some of my old scenes

and just shuffle them around. Oh, yeah, you know what? Temple of Doom, just put it in the center of this movie. Why not? Well, yeah, you know he cared because he did a Tarantino in Sin City scene for this movie

that they cut the fuck out of the thing. There was some... Wait, hang on, hang on. Tarantino in Cincinnati, explain. Well, Tarantino did one scene in all of Sin City. The rest of it was Robert Rodriguez, of course. Which scene was it?

It was the, when they're in the tax he's Clivo and Benicio del Toro and the lights are coming. You see the green. What was the reasoning, though? I think he just wanted to play around. It was a fucking fun, man. Exactly that.

I want to see Benicio's feet. Can we put him up? Put him up. Higher. You don't want to see my toes, friend. Okay, maybe it's a Flintstone's car, man. You get to see their feet. Drive in the car, okay? No, Chuck.

Chunk, he eats the pizza. He eats it all over his face, man. No, barefoot like Fred Flintstone. You're not listening to me. But so what's... There was a guerrilla scene. Like, when they're doing the pipes and it's supposed to be at the country club.

There was supposed to be one at the zoo. And Spielberg, the making of doc is like, Spielberg just loved the animals. And he just wanted to direct gorillas. It was a bunch of chimpanzees and, like, they drove a car. They busted up the whole zoo. Yes, and this deleted scene, they steal Troy's car. So you have two apes driving a car.

What would have been in, I don't know, that's something. That's funny. But you see the footage of it, though, from, like, work print stuff. It's people in ape suits. It looks stupid as fuck. But imagine, like, and that would have been. a great resolution to the film, right? Because you have, imagine these two

feral apes driving a car runs over some of the goonies. Yeah, okay. Now I'm into it. Now I can like pay attention to the movie. I got less people talking. You could actually get into the nuances. I think Troy's dad would get run over.

That would be the other. Oh, yeah. That would be the idea to do. Give me my money. He should be killed or a pie thrown in his face at the end. Yeah, we do also, so yeah, we meet Mikey, she played by Sean Ashton,

and he's like our central character and Josh Brolin before cigarettes is doing he's the older brother, the tough guy kid, right? Named Brandon Walsh, everyone. Oh boy. Cursed name. But the superior

Brandon Wallach. Oh, for sure. Of course, yeah. I didn't want to murder this guy at any point in the movie. The Brandon Walsh, I'd like the fuck, of course. Yeah. Jason, please, get out of here. Get out of here. This guy does not have a mom. That would make him a Bwilf, I guess.

Brandon Walsh, I'd like to fuck. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that works. You got to kind of get used to saying it, but I think it would work. Bwilf. You really have to hit the W. Yeah.

And, you know, the weird thing is, again, this movie is a little unclear on, not who's a goony. Hey, who's a goony? I'm a little unclear on that. Sure. But whose house is going to get demolished? Because, like, it seems, for the most part, it's just, you know, Mikey and Brandon.

And then later on, you're like, oh, wait, everyone's house is going to get destroyed. Data confirmed early on that he is, because they're moving to Detroit, he says. But, yeah, they don't really, it does seem like, it's completely fictional. Sure. But the goondocks, I guess, is just a take off of the boondocks. Sure. And they're just like, hey, it's funny, isn't it?

Right. You heard that? It's funny. It's a suburb where everyone masturbates too much. Yes. Later, we get goon caves, you know, go into the goon caves. Many goon caves. 60% of this movie takes place in a goon cave.

Yes. Yeah, being a goony now is not something you'd shout from the... No, tree tops. Perverts ruin that. Yeah, perverts, like everything else. Unfortunately. I have the, there's a Goody Oath. Really?

It is that was cut from the film. Oh, that's good. So it's not real. So then it's not a thing. Also, it's from IMDB, so who the fuck knows? But 689 out of 760 people found this interesting. So maybe something... All right.

The Goonies oath that was cut. goes as follow. I will never betray my Gundak friends. We will stick together until the whole world ends. Failed. Through heaven and hell and nuclear war. And I will never come. Ever.

Just dare. As long as possible. Good pals like us, we stick like tar. So that goes with you. That's the calm stuff. In the city, in the country, or in the forest or the boonies, I am proudly declared a

Gouny. I'm glad they didn't put it in. That sucked. Wait, so is the deleted scene like they're initiating mouth and like Corey Feldman's like cutting his fucking bleeding into a bowl or something? This is all the money my mom had. I guess you're a Goudy now, Mouth. Oh, this is it though? This is all the money you're a level one

goonie from now. So you can buy into level two goonerism. Yes. Now Mouth, do you have a wife that you could bring here? Because we like wives. We would like to have them as the Goonies. This is my parents' worst nightmare, though. Like, your house is the one where all the kids congregate? Nope. Oh, ho!

My father would have issues with this. All these little rat children running around screaming. No, thank you. That's why the father's never home. You never see him at this house ever. He's sleeping in a cot in the library. The kids have won. What kind of parenting is this? The father is too busy

five-figured discounting a fucking museum. Yes. Anything that's not nailed down is in this guy's fucking attic. And then you see him, he's introduced in the film with their bike riding band. He's like,

oh, hey, Mikey. And he's taking down the American flag in the morning, not raising it up. I think he's like, yeah, this is going in the attic. Yeah, he's folding it up and put it in the car.

This is like, I can get five bucks for this thing. Even though I'm with him. Take it down. Get that shit out of there. I love, so mouth comes in first and fuck him, right? Right on.

Fuck him. Here's the thing. It's crazy to me that this isn't a kid that just walks into the house, right? Did you guys have friends who was like the neighborhood kid he would just sashay in? We had one of these kids. My father despised him. If you can even believe it. But it just, it feels like he's the kid, right?

It's like he would do that. A Corey Feldman character would do that. Instead he's knocking? Very uncorri-Feldman. The guy's name's Mouth for crying out loud. That's a brat. And Chunk is an ex. He's really excited because he saw the Fitelli's drive by the whole bit.

And he's like, let me in, guys. on the outside gate, they're like, Not until you pay the tall, you fat fuck. This is insane. This is insane. You can't hang out with us unless you get half naked every day. Yeah, is this an everyday thing?

It seems like I'm hanging out once every six months. It seems like a ritual to enter the home. You have to take your shirt off and just show me that shit. This is why we only do one show in person each week is because I got tired of this shit. You got to do the baloney. You and your fucking bowling balls

and your chickens. We tell Chris, baloney bounce, so you're not doing the show? Not doing it. Apparently the actor, again, IMDB, TV believed, who cares? The actor was so uncomfortable doing this. They had to, Richard Dawkins, like, don't worry, I'll take care of it. He cleared the set, which is something you do for, like, sex scenes. And I feel like if someone's, like, taking a tit out or something like that,

and they don't want to be seen, but this, I feel like if you shouldn't have to clear the set for a children's film, is what I'm getting at. Like, if they, if he's out of cover. for a scene that the child is in. Exactly, that he has to perform. Then just cut it from the movie. Why is this kid have to, like, dance around for you? And you can tell, too, you can tell when you watch it.

It's just, he's like, I don't want to be doing this, I don't want to be doing it. He's like turning away from the camera. Like, I can't, it's humiliating, it's humiliating. But now is, shut up, I directed Superman. Keep going. Keep going, it's bad stuff. It's the most iconic part of the movie, right? What do you think of Goody?

It's on T-shirts. You think of a half-naked child, sachet, a raché, That's where I always intended it to be, baby. Dick Donner. That's what I originally saw lethal weapon as. They were both going to do a truffle when they first met. Look, kid, if I had my way,

there'd be fat kids dancing in all my movies. You know, Christopher Reed was kind of a scare to fly it in the Superman movie, so you're on the same thing. Take your shirt off, go. Did you clear the set for him to fly? Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Danny Glover.

It's, you know, you're two days from her time, and you might want to take your shirt off, take your tits around. I saw a little gut there. Take it out. Let me see that thing. All right, no, no, no. We'll put a scene of you in the bathtub, okay?

Oh, meet halfway. Do you think Danny Glover was like, can we close the set for this bathtub scene? Absolutely. Where I'm nude around my entire family. Oh, yeah. That is weird when his whole family bursts in and they're like, let's see.

And it's like, you need a bath bomb or something to cover up that water, man. He's not taking a bubble bath, man. You are a sick and happy birthday to Daddy's dick at that. That's what you're sticking happy birthday too. Well, it's the dick's birthday too. It is. I just hope it's not a happy birthday

when your children walk in, okay? All right? So this kid's humiliated in front of his friends and the town and whatnot. And then this is like the first instance of just like shitty adolescent Robert Altman over-talking, just sniping at each other. I needed the subtitles on it.

It was like I was watching Dairy Girls. It's true. The first thought I had here was Nashville. Like, that's where we are. Two American classics, dude. I would argue this one's more remembered. Yeah, no, you're completely correct. There's no, wait, isn't there a truffle shuffle in Nashville?

No, I don't know. No, that's shortcuts. Okay, there we go. But yeah, so, like, we're very sad that everybody, this is our last weekend as Goonies together. I guess eventually they will be able to come at some point. Yeah, maybe. I think they had some, like, big weekend plan

because they're all mad that Josh Brolin flunked his driving test? That's right. I want to know what those alternative plans are because whatever it is, way more interesting than this movie. Well, they were all going to goon to this same picture from a penthouse, centerfold. That's right. It was harder to goon back then. Less material.

You had to buy the thing. It wasn't invented yet. Oh, in by day, it was harder to goon. You know, that's what it should be, Chris. Like, they should be questing to find the porno mag in the woods. I'm sorry. They're questing for one-eyed will. A penis.

It's a penis, everyone. It sounds like a joke. Oh, yeah, old one-eyed Willie's got treasure for you. I'm 100%. Maybe not 100%. That was one of the names in Varsity Blues that he goes through. It has to be.

Oh, yes. No, I'm sure. Yeah. It has to be. Data comes over. We do have Mary Lynn trainer as the mother. Hell yeah. She is kind of, I mean, it's a joke

that she's, like, cleaning up the house before it's going to be destroyed. She hires a woman. and Rosalida, I believe, is her name? Yes. And this is Corey Feldman doing the, he's speaking Spanish to her, but he's saying all sorts of nasty shit to her is the idea.

This is where we put all the drugs, and this is the sex dungeon, and I'm like, who the fuck is laughing at this? Hey, man. He's a little stinker. Yeah, it's the little stinker eyes that always bothered me with the feld dog. I never cared for him.

I am more concerned about the penis statue. We're going to go back to penises here for a moment. So don't think that we're applying something weird to the film. It's a rich text full of... Penises. Yeah, of course.

Little kid tongues and whatever else. It's also that. They're going to cut them out sometimes, it looks like. But a chunk comes in and doesn't do it the first time but on second approach

knocks the statue over and a penis falls off of it. And Mikey says it's his mother's favorite part of the statue. Now, I, of course, I'm thinking about this. I'm like,

So there was something happened where she was like, oh, don't touch that. Don't touch the penis. That's the best part. The head is fine. Whatever happens to the arms, whatever. You keep that cock intact. I swear to God.

That's what mama rubs for good luck every day. Maybe she's crying. She's losing, oh, we're losing the house, but as long as I have my cock statue. As long as we bring the cock statue, it'll be a home. As long as I have my like three, quarter to scale model of

it's Michelangelo's David what are you doing with that in the house what a weird little thing it has cock on it from the museum too everything was stolen from the museum the whole house was decorated yes exactly and a mini Mona Lisa up there there's some drywall at the museum

I brought home and now and like it's kind of an amazing thing where they're like you know the mom goes away they break the statue it's like hey you want to go in that attic where your dad has like thousands of dollars of value Like, yeah, sure, why not? Like, it's a new idea.

We've never been in this attic before. Which is, again, weird. Like, if you get the vibe, they're over here every week, bothering people. And not once you ventured into the attic. Okay, movie, let's go up to the attic. And he's even got, like, these Spencer Gifts, Hasla Coil thing.

Yeah, what are those doing up there, and they're plugged in? Those were from, like, the youth section of the museum that he just fucking stole. Yes. Next to all the Rothcos, you fucking pilfer. Oh, man. You swine.

Look at all these sums. Man, these are... Jack Daniels. Three bottles. Jack, Dad, Jesus. Dad. And these are all the medical supplies that stole from the hospital and all the medicine?

It's like, why can't you afford to pay off these developers then? If you've got all these treasures. You can't find a fence. That's the problem. That is the big issue. And I don't know how they find a fence at the end. You can't just walk up and hand people random jewels.

No, don't worry. At the end of this movie, they're still all losing their homes. Don't worry about it. Pay for a house. house and costume jewelry. That should be like, while the credits are rolling, you should see the bulldozers pushing. Good enough for you, it's good enough.

Bangor of a song, love that song. Oh, hell yeah. It's singing Lopper's right. You know, the movie says, it's good enough. It's good enough for you. That's what Spielberg said to Donna. No, it's good enough for you, Dick. You should do it.

You get to the end of those credits, and it's just like people on a pristine golf course like teeing off. Brand new Trump links. Love it up here in the Goudoirs. Getting platters of cocktails served to them. Oh, it would be lovely. But we find the treasure map, and we realize,

oh, there's a treasure, I don't know, like six blocks from here. You know, like, just to tell us. Yeah, and no one thought to, like, use that map and figure it out. I guess, you know, Josh Rowland says that there's this, there's a deleted scene where Mikey goes to the convenience store and finds a map of the town. It's like, whoa, it matches. Right, right.

So it's a big genius moment. Oh, yeah. But everybody thinks it's bullshit except for Mikey. You know, they translate the Spanish on the map. Let's go do this thing. This is our big adventure because stupid flunked his road test.

We got to go play in the woods, is the idea. And, yeah, they tie Josh Brullet up with workout equipment. That's something. Yeah, I would love to do that. I was interested in this scene, I will say. the muscles are right out there. Looking good.

It's a thing that they've also clearly done to him before because, like, Sean Ashton kind of just makes a bunch of eye movements and, like, sort of moves his head a little bit, and they all know what's up. They're like, oh, we're going to do the exercise thing and tie him to the recliner again. Okay. That's the thing, though.

They come out of, like, the brood, you know? It's just a little gobbling. Which is what they are. Yes, absolutely. Yes, we should say they are disgusting shit, boys. Oh, my God. This is the... It's ground zero.

It's the opus of disgusting shit boys. It's the number one disgusting shit boy film. Yes. This is our thesis. Right here. These guys. There are each and every one of them is a disgusting shit boy. Josh Brolin is not.

No. Because he's a teenager and he's out of it. Disgusting shit man. Yeah. Disgusting hot boy. That's fine. But I feel like he also needs to constantly be reminding them like, look, I'm the older brother. I'm not one of your goony weirdos.

Yes, exactly. Stop looping me in. with your fucking weird gang. This here is the big boy dick's room. That's the small dick boy's room. You understand me? Mikey, I didn't even say the oath. The oath was weird.

I don't know why nuclear war is involved. Oh, it was a big threat at the time. Oh, yeah, I got it. Yeah, dude, in my last breath set of fucking hollow earth, I'm renouncing the goonies. I'm no longer a goody. We're all out here for ourselves.

But what about, dude? How about this? face to be ready to get to the pearly gates. Turns out being a goony was the only way to get in. Oh, wow. And it's like, well, Stephen, you renounced your faith at the last possible second. Well, you know, Jesus and the

apostles like me were the first go to. A bunch of crazy adventures. All right, under Roman cities, doing all kinds of stuff. Go ahead, Peter, do the truffle. We make him do this every time. What a loser.

You know there's some, like, lame-ass Sunday school teacher somewhere that was like, you know, back in the day, there was a leader that had a couple of good friends, and you might say they were like proto-Goonies. Yes, I'm talking about Jesus and the Apostles. These are the Christes, and they love working with everybody and supporting their friend. Someone at the Canaan wedding picks up a glass of what they think is water, spits it out. You goonies!

No, I do like the idea of going to God. You go up there, and in his room is a Goonies. poster. No, yeah, this is, Donner's signed it. You see that right down there? And I also like that God has a room. Like, yeah, I love it here.

And I love that God got it signed. He had to walk all the way down to hell. But he was really cool about it. Satan let me in. They're good buddies. Oh, you come out of here. This got of the man cave.

I got my Goody's poster in here, you know. There's a little place I could just chill out and be God for a little while. Yeah, you look over here. It's that poster of Albert Einstein. with his tongue sticking out. I thought that was pretty cool. Hey, man, hit this shit.

And the cool thing is, close that door. Listen, can't hear a single prayer up here. It's fucking, oh. It's my space. Finally. I've been up here for 2,000 years. It's fucking great. And you know what the pretty cool thing is?

When I want time alone with a lady, I got my God sock, I put it right on the God doorknob. Close that door. And all my elves know what that means. The elves. What is he fucking Santa Claus? Same thing.

I think they have a similar army. I agree with him. Angels, I think. Maybe. No, they got it's around the heaven stuff. Angels go down to earth. Angel is just an elf that can fly. Yeah.

That's on a shitty fucking Christmas sweater somewhere, guaranteed. There's your $1,000 idea. Some guy's sad aunt is wearing that this Christmas. But yeah, so like, you know, they rush off on their bikes, very Spielbergian.

We want a bunch of kids on some bikes. Dude, and there are multiple times in this movie where the score dips into E.T. territory. Wow, you're pushing it. You're so fucking pushing it. John Williams got, like, one daily. I can't score that movie. I can't. I am not listening to that all day.

Stephen, why do they just keep yelling over one another? You know what? Rip me off all you want. Go crazy. Get somebody who can just rip me good. I promise. No lawsuits, nothing. I just don't want to be anywhere near this.

I just need a vacation. Fuck, man. Jesus, all the fucking hopeful shit. He'll be in the God room soon enough. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, John, out of PBR's. I'll go to the store. If this comes out, I apologize, if he's past, you know.

Covering my bases. Yes, of course. It's always good to be safe, dude. They realize that the entrance to whatever, the big mine of One-Eyed Willey's fuck palace is at Fratelli's house, which is also a restaurant. Used to be.

Used to be. I guess it's the Fratelli's hideout is the idea. This is where they're hiding out. And again, unlike Marv and Harry and blah, they just shoot two federal agents right in the fucking head. And there are dead bodies in this movie. Which is confusing. I need like a scene or a shot of those federal agents

be like, we finally got them, let's go in. Exactly. Because I'm watching the movie today, and I'm like, oh, so the tortellis are walking in. Those are the two brothers. Oh, no. Did I say it wrong? Frottellis.

The tortellis were on the cheers. Carla Tortelli. I don't care. I think that's the right attitude. Yeah, yeah, you're a tortellie to me, Italian guy. Yeah, tortellini or whatever. But they go in and you're like, oh, that's them. But then they just are dead and you're like, wait, what?

It's confusing. I would like to see them shot. I figure they would be. I would figure they'd be in the opening or at least you would get a shot of some Fed getting a call on his phone and be like, oh, that guy? I guess we care.

You know, I mean, you need to because when you're just watching a movie, you can't fucking guess who the people are supposed to be. The movie's got to tell you. No, exactly. That would be nice. And usually when the authorities know where you are, more than two also know where you are. Where did Rod and Jeff go

three days ago? They left the field office to go check out those Italian gangsters. But it's been days. Should we check? That would be amazing if they were like cold-case guys and they just had been working forever to get fucking Robert Davy and Pantanliano. Finally they're like, wait, we caught them.

No, we caught them. He's out of the county jail? Oh, no. You kind of want like the, at least the Salons of the Lamb thing. Maybe like they go inside and like, you know, Joe Pantzliano's wearing night vision goggles, maybe.

Hell yeah. Things look so much cooler like this. Did you ever put one of these on? It's great. I love it in night vision. I can see everything. This is the Emerald City. But the weird thing is, and it's really unclear. They hear gunshots and chunk.

And I do think the kid is funny as chunk. He's good deliveries, et cetera. I'm not made a stone. He's a funny little kid. He's like, oh, there's gunshots. We really shouldn't go in there. and they're like, oh, Chuck, you always lie about this, that, the other thing, right? That's the whole thing. Well, he's got a track record. He does.

Completely full of shit. Right, he calls the police and makes up wild stories. These Iranians are taking over all the sizzlers in Astoria, Oregon. So, like, an immigrant family made, like done good, opened a business, and he's calling the police on it. Yeah, yep. Great. Okay. Carining fucking 40 years before that was a thing.

I guess he's just doing. anything he can to get the focus off of his wait. He's like, I don't know, I saw like, the Iranians and the Zizzler, what do you want? No, no, I was only in there eating all the food in every single location because I was investigating the terrorism plot. But if he's just trying to distract the police

department from this, that, by your logic, then the cops are making fun of them for being fat. They probably are. They're like, they're driving by the house in the middle of the night, honking the horn. We're not going to turn the, we're not going to turn the thyroid off you do the truffle shuffle motherfucker. John Cussey.

comes out on his lawn and puts the fucking boom box up and it's just pig noises. You gotta see, we got this fat kid, he does a little dance. He hates it. It's great. I'm going to ask him to do it, then he's going to say no, but then I'm going to threaten to jail

his father and then he doesn't do it. For his wardrobe. But they go in and I don't understand the great Anne Ramsey what her motivation is for letting these children in, for not just pulling a gun being like, get out of here, you little bastards.

You know, like, that's... Or finishing the job. Thank you. Thank you. Two federal agents walked in four minutes ago and got shot in the head, and then a bunch of kids walk in, witnesses, presumably. Yeah, yeah. And they're just like, oh, yeah, no, this is an Italian restaurant.

It's just the West Coast. That's why it's covered in cobwebs and no one's here. So, yeah, no, yeah, we can give you some water and it looks like marinara sauce because... I mean, that's... But that brings the heat on you, I think. agents, that's any day, but kids. Mikey's like, can I use

the bathroom? And she's like, okay, but be very careful. The bathroom is down there, but also my super secret monster son is also down there. Stay to the right. And I'm like, no, he doesn't go to the fucking bathroom. The ocean

is right there. Yeah, is exactly. Go outside. Out of order. That's the answer. But of course he sees the super secret monster son screaming and watching fucking in chains. And the ocean is right outside. Perfect place to dump a bunch of dead

kids. Yes. Totally. Also, I mean, just because you just brought it up, this does have Silence of the Lamb's feelings. Oh, absolutely, yeah. You're going down the stairs and stay to the right, stay to the right. Stay to the right. That way you can go to the bedroom. You go to the left, our whole operation's fucked, all right?

Multiple mixes down there. Watch out. He throws stuff. You watch that guy. He's got some Flicky finger. It's a goon cave. Here's a thing. Sloth, he's laughing, he's watching television, and he's jacking off all day long.

Those are the three things he's doing. Are we sure he's... Okay. I'm sure he thinks he's jerking off, but I think he's just punching it. Just like a lot. Like a lot, a lot, a lot. Why do you think his arms are chained against the wall?

Yeah. You're not getting dipped any of that anymore, my little son of my... I love of that. You're busy hands. That's the last black and blue balls I see on you. If I see another stiff sock, so help me God. Because clearly this hideout has no laundry service in it.

So you're just going to put it back on your foot. Right? And that's right. Yes, exactly. That's it. Sandals for you, sucker. I don't care. If Tivas are out of fashion, you're doing it?

She's upstairs listening to a record. She's, hey, you guys. God damn it, he's doing it again. Yeah. The fact that it's also like the mom who's like chastising the sons for being doofuses and it's like two duphuses and then like a big duphus, this is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family.

Absolutely. Minus the human flesh consumption. The Italian Chainsaw Massacre. Italian or I guess the Italian switchplate He's got a nice little flick there It's just bad casting with A&Ramsie though man I don't buy Italian for a second No pants and Davy obviously

Sure Anne Rames the father maybe Yeah maybe the liar yeah you're with this fucking father I do I made love to the boot once The whole thing I just did it all Whoa apparently she was supposed to be in the Navy

She's a tattoo in this That's right. And she's like, oh, I guess in interviews or somebody. She's like, yeah, my character was in the Navy. Whatever you needed for the performance, lady. Port to port, you know. I do, I want to get ahead of something. We are not, what we call chunk or sloth a monster and all that stuff.

It's not because the character is, quote, unquote, developmental disabled. He's not. He's a monster because that's, you know, anatronics do not come into it. You know what I mean? Once you get that thing going on, it's Jason Forge's monsters. Dude, you've got a Shrek eye going this. His ears wiggle like he's a fucking smurf. The movie's explanation is she dropped him a few times as a baby.

From a five-story building? To a bad of monster juice? I was walking up to Lita Tower a piece up, and I slipped, okay? Were you doing it while also doing the experiments that led to the Hulk being made? I was pregnant, what with all the gamma radiation? otherwise I don't get it he's friendly though he's a friendly fella

he's a nice guy yeah sweet fella the same shit that creates toxie creates him yes so they're cousins they're cousins kiss and cousins

so Mikey sees sloth runs upstairs and they all kind of get scared and run away there is this like really this as a kid scared the shenan to me is her grabbing Corey Feldman's

facing we got tag on the menu and it's about to cut the kid's tongue out? I'm like, that freaked me the fuck out. Oh, my God. Sure. They storm out. And then again, like, Ed Ram's like, good, those kids saw our entire operation. Excellent. It just goes to modern day.

Here's the number 9-1-1. Yeah, they'll help you. But this is like, I guess just speaks to the ineptitude of this family as like criminal masterminds or whatever. Because all the kids, yeah, they run free outside. And then the older

kids meet up with them. And then you see in the background they're pulling away and they're fucking Ford Explorer. I'm like, look out the window. All of them are right now. There's more kids at your hideout. You're going to have three more. Extinguish these lives before you go pick up a pizza.

You're doing this. It's doing two things at once because they're bringing one corpse. There's two corpses they made. They only bring one to do the pizza run. And I guess they're doing us whole separate. Why not just get it done? Because I want to sit in the fucking cop pool lane and we

We only need one more person, so it's only one corpse. Fair enough, Anne Ramsey. Yeah, we run into Martin Plimpton, the other girl who's Annie, or Andy. Andy. Andy is the one that Josh Brolin has his eyes on. And this kid, Troy. Is that Andrea? Oh, Andrea and Brandon?

Oh, what the fuck? All right, but so Brolin is the superior Brandon. But I still feel Andrea is the superior, Brandon. Yes, of course. Oh, 100%. These are 90210 characters we're talking about in case anyone doesn't know

what the fuck. In case a lot of people don't know. The 30-year-old television show, Beverly Hills 9-0210. So they show up and because Troy is like being a jerk to Josh Brolin's character. And it takes way too long to find out

that he's also the son of the guy who's doing the developer. There's a whole movie there that's just not there is the idea. We just need more time with these characters. You can't do. that when you have 15 kids screaming

in the entire movie. Well, it's a peanuts thing. They don't want to show the adults. And like, whenever they do, it's just like nonsense. It's just like, oh, Rosalita's going to help us pack. Okay. Well, he actually, it wraps it. Wham-wha-won-wag-wag-wam-wom-mong-wam.

It's close enough. Yeah, sometimes I needed subtitles for her. It's like peanuts if they're all a pig pen. That's true. Yeah. Wow, a whole gang of pig pens. That's unsettling. That's what this movie is.

They're all dirty little shit kids. You know those kids smell normally, but put them in the cave. Oh, yeah. No, by the end of this adventure, forget it. Yeah, so they just get rid of the kids. Like, let's go dump this body and get some pizza. When they leave, the kids are like, well, you know, let's obviously go back and see what's going on. Yeah.

Yeah. I almost died once. Let's go two. And now, like, the girls are like, hey, or it's really, Andy's like, it's kind of cool to be in this scary old house, huh, Josh Burlin? And I'm like, I don't know, man. Yeah, not the time of the place for this lady. There's better places to fucking figure out where to have a hand job. There really is.

The woods is fine. But at the age, you would be getting a boner anyway. Andy's offering, you're like, oh, you know what, Mikey, get upstairs. Maybe not in the walk-in freezer where there's a fucking dead fed with a bullet between the eyes. Just probably not getting hard there. Well, that might be one of their fetishes. Maybe Andy is into having a dead man in the corner. They're fucking 16.

They don't know what their fetishes are. Remember, they're from the goondocks. Also, come on. This is when you're discovering these kind of things. Andrew, you're... That's true. The goondocks, proudly acknowledging fetishes since 1867.

That's why they're trying to bulldoze the whole town. Like, this is a fucking scourge on the state. Brand, I just saw that dead body and I am hot. Yes. It's a thrill. It's the danger. It's the excitement. It's a wet and wild slide down there.

You better get in here, Brand. It's the idea of a... a ghost watching you. But it's also an idea of the sanitation of it all, like the sanitary factor here maybe. He's fresh. It's fine. Oh, yeah. Well, you're 15, 60. That doesn't matter. Oh, the set, the germ stuff doesn't

come into play. I guess that was the only one that had standards as a teenager. You just hear, the rules just don't fuck in the pool of blood and you're fine. Pardon me? Just don't fucking the pool of blood and you are fine. He's got a good point. Where is like the after

effect of that headshot? Yeah. Like in that basement somewhere is that dude's brains on a wall. It looks like he just was going to Ash Wednesday, you know? It's just a little... Man, I hated that. We find the federal agent because we go downstairs, blah, blah, it's all spooky scary.

And here's again, like, you know, Chuck is just a little fat kid. It's totally fine, a little fat kid. But again, because it's a movie, it's not just because he eats a little bit too much, he's always eating. And he has a supernatural fat kid power. What is this werewolf shit?

He smells ice cream. through a closed freezer. Like, what? And the tops are all on them. There's no open tops. Next to a recently killed corpse, right? You know that guy evacuated his bowels. Yep.

Ooh, ice cream. How do you know that? It's going too far. Hmm. Smells like Rocky Road and murder. Yeah, I was going to say. Are you the truffle pig from pig? Yes.

Ooh, hell yeah. I love that guy. And then the rarest flavors to apple, grape, ice cream? How do you fuck up listing ice cream flavors in a script? Sloth is the only one that's like Rocky Road, motherfucker, not this. Sorbet, you're calling ice cream. There's a reason it's still in the back of the fridge, dude. I don't know, maybe, you know what, it's another chance for a chunk to lie, so, you know,

he sees mint chocolate chip, he's like, apple cinnamon. Oh, say all the gross ones so you can have all the good ones. Papaya. The dead body kills the ice cream party, sadly. That's too bad. Wow, no. And now we're all scared, but the Vitelli's are home.

So all we can do is continue to go on further down. And they're like, hey, Chunk, why don't you go buy your... This is all like Goody's never say die shit? Not if you're the fat kid. Buy Chunk. Go get the cops. Goonies never say die. Goonies stay just step right into that trap.

If you die, you die. Several men left behind. is their motto. It's great. They realize he's the weakest sacrifice. Yeah, go run for it, dude. Get out of here. No, no, it's fine.

I mean, I would, any way to get away from Robert Davy and his opera singing that he's doing, Fetuccini, Pomodoro. Peneva ca. That's my favorite opera, the menu. Yeah, it's very good. Ravioli.

Carefully's getting hungry up here. I'm sorry. This is the part, though, that you kept recognizing that hilarious flub that Sean Aston does here. It's amazing because in the middle of this, like, they're like, come on, we've got to keep going down, there's something here, and Sean Ashton just, in the middle of a movie, a professional movie,

Stephen Spielberger is involved. He looks at him, and he calls him Josh. And it's in the movie. There's a room down there, Josh. There's a room down there, Josh. There's some over-talking. You might miss it. But if you go back to that scene, clear as day, Josh.

And it's one of those things where I was like You know what, fuck it Josh is fine Cut next seat No we're scrapping it Sean you did a beautiful job Fantastic

That was the 50th take And it was the best one we had Leave it in I'm not going back I'm not working with those kids again I would love it If that like You get any interview with Spielberg

And he's asked about the Goonies Oh yeah you know Good picture you know But yeah Rich you just left that Josh in there You know It's just like for years It's just like

That's the only thing he can think about That's son of a bit I would never do that, but Richie, he's, you know, he's a crazy guy. Stephen, it's Richard. Sure of that interview you did with entertainment tonight talking about the anniversary of the Goonies. Brought up that Josh Flub I left in, huh? Yet again.

You're a real petty fuck, you know that? Well, actually, no, that happens. Actually, in Jurassic Park, when Laura Dern kicks the door to close on the Raptor, if you listen, he goes, Laura! I remember that, yeah. Yeah. Well, he shouldn't be calling her Ellie,

but he calls her Laura Bay accident, yeah. It's that weird part in E.T. When Elliot calls E.T. puppet, by mistake. What a flub. A little bit of a pot kettle black there. But, yeah, so now Chunk goes out to the street, and the first car he sees, he yells, like, oh, my God, the Bertelli's around.

It's all so scary. And here is Robert Davy, the most terrifying of all. Tick and Parmesan. And they just, they kidnap him. This is my favorite shot in the movie, though, because this is how you can tell. This is like the Wild West 1980s. We're making kids films.

Because it's the actual actor. It's the little boy playing chunk, crawls out of the woods, right as a speeding car, his feet away from his actual body. There's no stunt double. There's no trick photography. It's a child six inches from a fucking truck bumper.

You know, listen, kid, that you're wearing a floral shirt. He's not going to hit you. Just run. I mean, they put a little kid's hand in a blender. Like, that's pretty fucking serious shit, man. Pay it off, go all the way. You've got to push it down into it, yeah. Thank you.

I do like the gag when they're going to tell us what you know, and they say confess that he confesses everything he's ever done wrong, which is humorous. It's a funny joke. It's very humorous until he admits to almost murdering his own sister. Oh, I was really laughing at that one. I threw my little sister down the stairs and said the dog did it. What is this good son shit?

And then, I was trying to impress Jody Foster, so I took a shot at Reagan. I was at Celio Drive with my friends, and then all of a sudden, Sharon Tate engines and George, we did it. And then I told Natalie Wood, let's go on the boat with Christopher Warkin and Robert Wagner. This is what happens.

This is what happens when you ask kids to do a truffle shop. And then I told John Landis, no, keep filming. I don't care how late it's going on the production. And I told Fannie Arbuckle, no, you can sleep with her. Oh, wow. Yeah, that was the one where the Goonies invented time travel. I'm an eternal being that has been alive since the dawn of time. And then you're Dini, I punched him in the stomach.

And then I told Pontius Parley, you're going to let him get away with that? And then that guy got what was coming. Yes, he did. It happened. But the Goody's proper, because Chuck is now no longer a Goody. Like, yeah, fuck that kid. We left a little of them. Goody with an asterisk.

Yeah, exactly. Whilst Chuck is being interrogated and tortured, and they're not too worried about it, they're just kind of like having a Spielberg and adventure down to the caves and what have you? The funniest thing, there's a making of documentary about this where there is about three minutes dedicated to Robert Davy's saying that Joe Pantaniano

pulled the hair on chunk's hair while this scene was happening and then like you watch it and then like the chunk actor goes like no that was Robert Davy and Robert Davy's like no I'm pretty sure Joe Pantanano was right next to him and like they go to a shot where it's Robert Davy

right next to him with his hand right here they break it down like the fucking Zapruder film basically that wasn't the rest of the dock I I wish it was. But no, that was just a... First of all, let's dial it back with the D word here. This is a 24-minute DVD extra, documentary, Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

YouTube called it that. That's what it is. Clearly. But you will be unsurprised to know this is a DVD extra where Robert Davy comes off terribly. Oh, man. Most of that doc... We will go back to a movie, I swear. But it's mostly everybody in this cast being like, Robert Davy kind of sucked.

Joe Pantheon, I'm like, yeah, I kind of hated him. And I don't know if he hated me, but I sure hated him. Like, don't live your life that when a co-worker makes a DVD extra about you, all of them say you're terrible. There's even a behind-the-scenes footage of Dick Donner going, hey, are you an actor?

Sure. Maybe. Depends on your definition of word, I guess. I don't know. I'll be in my car yelling about Obama. Maslerolek, plant a parmesan Please keep me here This guy's some excellent singer

And he's just singing through this movie Terrible singer They wind up There's like weird There's pipes or something This is a fun pipe scene Oh yeah it's a chance to make some more fucking noise And scream about it while we do it

Excellent scene That's someone's literal ideas Like well maybe if we make a bunch of noise Someone will hear us I'm like you've been making a lot of noise The whole movie No that's not a good That's not a new or good idea.

The best part is when Martha Plimpton is like, hey, mouth, your father's a plumber. What's with all these pipes? Hey, Andrew, your dad's a cop. What's with all this law? He doesn't know. What are you talking about? But it's connected to this giant country club,

which I guess we're going to now have two of them in this town. Well, we need to. One for us and one for, you know. Right. We need a restricted one again, if you know what I mean. We must expand. All expansion. But there you get these nice, glistening, fat old man, right?

Yes. And they're going to go shower. I love this one guy with the soap on a rope around his neck. Oh, yeah. Well, because, you know, that guy, you know. I thought it might have been a too-human big concern. Or autoerotic excruciation. I don't know what goes on in these country clubs.

No. No, I think it's clearly like, well, I don't want to drop the soap. Because you know what happened? I want to drop the soap in the fucking shower. It is 1985. That is 100% of what was going on right there. Right next to him, I don't know why they did this, why this decision was made,

they've got one-eyed Walter there as well. I guess the descendant of Willie? That's crazy. What is happening? You can't have this thing we're all talking about one-eyed Willie this and this fucking pirate one-eyed Willie this, and then another dude in the movie

he's got a one-eye eye patch? No, he's not a guy with an eye patch in the shower here. I mean, you probably want to take that off before you go in there, right? Is that cloth? What is that? Yeah, I don't know.

It looked leather, man. You don't want to get that wet. I feel like that's dealer's choice. and I don't want to get into it. I don't know how to... I've never had an eye patch. I can't say whether you think it out or off. You do you.

I do love that... Again, like, they keep trying to make this Troy kid a thing, you know what I mean? But you've already deleted all the scenes that did that, so this is nothing now. We should mention, like, when Josh Brolin stole the little girl's bicycle, and he's run off the road by this guy,

and he's a sexual antagonist to Andy. Yes. So we've developed him a little bit, but I would like it to go a little further, but yes, he's here on the... Turlitt. Yes. Reading guns and ammo,

which is a fun 80s joke. And for, you know, I don't know about everybody in the audience here, but when I go to the bathroom, especially when I'm sitting down, I like to take all of it off. Yeah, just,

no, we're all down. This guy's got his undershorts still on there, and I'm imagining. He's just pissing and shitting in his own shorts while reading guns and ammo in the toilet.

Keep in mind, this is the fetish capital of the world. I guess. The gundocks. Yeah, I mean, it's just because it's a bad thing where, like, you see this kid get launched off the toilet, and if he didn't have the, you know, it's like a red banana hammock that matches his shirt color, you know. Bright red. Because otherwise it's just fucking taintown.

Yeah, we're not making Eastern promises here. Yeah, like, I know it's a 1980s kid's movie, but it's still a kids movie. You can't be fucking flashing balls and whatnot. And then guns and that guns and ammo issue is gone. I don't think you're going to be able to see any of that. Oh, what a tragedy. No five second rule on that. When they keep going, there's more like,

you can't have fucking boulders rolling around in this movie. Someone's got to be like, no. I mean, come on, Steve. It's not like an Indiana Jones movie came out the year before. Starring one of the stars as it is. Hey, Stephen, just putting it out there, man.

Saw Goonies, you're pushing your fucking luck. I don't want to get nasty in court, but you're pushing your fucking boulder, man? Unless you want to, like, I don't know, put a Lucas film, the start. Oh, yeah. You do the sound of THX. I don't do it. I mean, we're buds, but I didn't get a cut of that.

Where's my Cooney's money? It's kind of actually surprising that he's not wrapped up in this somehow. That's true, yeah. They had to pick and choose them. You can't have them all on one movie. Like, imagine De Palma, Coppola. Someone produced, someone's story, someone's screenwriting. I would...

Sure. That movie would suck. A lot of talent, but that movie would suck. So we're running around. We're dodged boulders and what have you, right? Yeah, I mean, this is where it gets the most Indiana Jones. This is where we start seeing a lot of skeletons.

We find the skeleton of the Copper Pot fella there. Chester Copper Pot. The famed guy that went looking for this shit and never came back. Finally, someone has found us. We have arisen. We are the Skeleton League

and we are here to take your children. Me, the head skeleton. Chester Copper Potts. It's terrible. You can't go. as a skeleton. I mean, you can, but that's all you can do, honestly.

It is a cruel face to be nothing but boner and not be able to goon. Normally, sitting down here by myself for 400 years will be some serious goon record, but I have no penis what with being a skeleton. And you one day will be part of the league of skeletons because if you goon too much, you will lose your flesh. Now would you please move this fucking rock off of me?

So I may goon again. What the fuck? Where are you going? And I should not have sentience, but God is too busy getting high and watching movies. I know Sean of the Dead is good. Shut the fuck up. You think God's got like all the movie recommendations like 20 years too late? Yeah, yeah. Or it takes a long time for movies to get up there, you know?

He's got the actual, when the AFI did their top 100, he's got the list, he's got the check marks off, all off of it. It's like worn off. Sorry about all the atrocities, but these movies are too dang good. I also don't get the deal with Forrest Gump. What is that? What was the whole thing with that? What is going on earth?

Siriana and Lions for Lambs? What is happening down there? Let me put on a fun comedy. You know what? I'm going to call Steyn. He's going to take over for a little bit. What is this beer fest? Okay.

Hello? Oh, yeah. God, huge broken lizard fan. Absolutely. everybody turns their nose up at club dread and I love it you know I was the only one in the heaven movie theater opening day for Super Troopers too

I mean there has that has to be the case because how else could Tacoma FD still be on the fucking air dude I think that shit's running longer than MASH It is What's that it's like Farva and the other guy Or firefighters or something That sounds right to be fair I haven't seen it

Never checked it out. It's okay to like a TV show. That's what they tell me. That's what God's like, it's okay, to like a TV show. Okay, I like it, all right? We're watching Dukes of Hazard tonight. You really should give it a second look. It's wonderful.

You know, it was insane. They rebooted Matt about you, and it was on Spectrum Originals only? Can I get into heaven? I agree with all this. There's a line building up here, God. Guy keeps on tapping me on the shoulder over here. so we're running around. We put Chunk in the same room as Sloth

and at first again it's like and I get the idea, it's like you know, you're a little kid and things seem scary but actually when you come and meet somebody they're actually quite nice and it's fine if he wasn't an animatronic monster. Poor twos man.

Yeah. It's unfortunate this guy. Yeah, we kind of realize he offers him some candy and now Sloth is now kind of befriending chunk at this point. Yeah, this is where the movie commits the sin of putting a better

movie in the movie I'm watching Captain Blood with Errol Flynn, and I'm like, that's a swashbuckling adventure I'd tune into. Let's just stay here. Let's just hang out in this room with the garbage plate. I want to hang out with sloth, yeah. With the plate of garbage that Robert Davy gave to his brother. This is after they've encountered the waterfall, and they realize they're under this

wishing well. Oh, right. Weird thing right here. I thought wells had, like, definitive of bottoms and water sources in him. This is one that just leads to a secret cave. Feel like this would be boarded up by the town. Cement this shit over. I shouldn't be able to see the coins. No. Yeah, exactly.

And like if you look down, you absolutely can see these coins. And Troy's up there wishing he could get laid. It's like him and his... Dude. Two buddies's like, yo, dude, what do you want to do now? You want to go to the field and get fucking wrecked? Nah. Let's just stand in front of the wishing well and talk. Oh, Troy, you come up with all the

fucking craziest ideas. Do you want to get drugs? No, we'll just stand there and talk soberly. But maybe when we get there we can like spray paint some sort of like nasty thing on it or something. No, just talk about wishes we want to make. That's right. Bring your coin purse.

Oh man, you got a sig to bum me? Yeah, man. Bubble gum. This is a weird thing because they see all the coins and whatever and they're like, oh, this is, we found the treasure, blah, blah, blah, blah. They start like taking all the, you know, coins and putting in their pockets. And then Martha Plimpton has to do. to be like, no, no, no, no, no.

We can't. Put this back right now. This is a wishing well. These are those people's wishes. If you take the coins out of the wishing well, the wishes won't come true. Oh, that is right. The chin has seen this.

Those wishes must come true. Yes, oh, girl who bathed in the horse trough this morning, you are correct. The wishes will not come true. Thank you for spouting out that Facebook level gibberish about wishes. You have saved my. wishes. Oh, Mikey, you wish to

meet one-eyed wily. I can make that happen. That's right. I am hidden in one of the ruby jewels in the pirate ship. Oh, wait, they didn't take it. I'm going out to sea. Oh, fuck. Son of a bitch. This movie could have used a wishmaster. Absolutely. Every movie could use. But, Boris Gump would be great with the wish.

It feels like Forrest Gump must have had one, right? Like, how does that guy get to do all that shit? And then I was tricked by a demon again. I do So at this point Andy is like, hey, actually, because Sean Ascent gives one of his many long Goody speeches about how great it is and how important it is.

And Andy's like, yo, dude, I'm a rich girl. I'm just going to get out of here. I don't watch pornography the way you guys do. I can just get up there. My house isn't getting bulldozed tomorrow, so I'm going to go there. Yeah, I live on the right side of the track. But he does get to her, and she gives Troy back his sweater that she's been wearing. There you go.

Wow. And he calls her a goony. He does. Oh, right. Which in that instance, it sounds like a slur. And I don't know why. But this guy's putting some heat on it. Yeah.

And it sounds a little nasty. Also, this dude clearly not that bright because they're, like, fooled into thinking that they're pulling her up in this bucket. And it's just the sweater. And I was like, well, I know she's like a tiny little person, but that's just a sweater on a bucket. That's not the weight of a teenager.

girl how fucking dumb are these guys it's got to be heavier than a Burger King bag like come on just just be honest yeah my girlfriend weighs about out of four Burger King bags 20 whoppers I think I you know round up so this is where I think sloth and chunk bond over chocolate yes it's fantastic product placement in the 80s with the baby Ruth corporation this caddy shack at least in this movie it's not confused for feces in a pool that's not great product placement. Feces.

Yeah. Yeah. But then someone eats it and goes, oh, baby Ruth, delicious. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, and I'm going to have a shit bar too. Right here. Yeah, bubble gum and a shit bar. Yeah, we got a large popcorn. Oh, shit. Medium diaco. A couple of shit bars. Some

Reese's pieces. Wait, what's the one that big monster was eaten in that movie? Give one of them. A couple of shit bars. Oh, great. This is some more, like, treasure hunting shit. They find the skull key thing and returning dials and whatnot. When does One-Eyed Willie create this bone piano?

Again, this is some real Texas chainsaw stuff, dude. I don't know. That's a traitor. One-Ired Willie had a traitor. There was a mutiny, I feel, and this is what happens if you do that, the One-Eyed-Willy. You get turned into an organ. That's a great example to make a... of someone to turn them into a musical instrument.

I love that. It's fantastic. I mean, like, you know, Hannibal pushes it forward. He would make a living person into that organ, but this is, you know, near, almost good as though. Well, you've got to start somewhere. Exactly. But, yeah, this is happening,

and every time they get Andy on this, who's already, like, nervous as is. Sure. And has, wait, hasn't she already kissed the boy at this point? Oh, my God. Oh, man. This is England to worst shit, man. I don't know, man.

It's unsettling to watch this girl make out with a 12-year-old boy. He must have been in a hole. Thank God it's in silhouette. Small blessing, I guess. God, you know, Brann smelled like candy. Yeah, does Brant have braces and he's like four feet tall? Is he the opposite of everything that Brant is?

Pretty sure he was wearing diapers? Like, instead of being... like maybe I was kissing the wrong guy I think she's lying into herself like well you had to have been standing in a hole that's the only way he was a foot and a half shorter why did brand call me Mr. Frodo that doesn't make a look to say

you got some nice tasting lips there Mr. Frodo real juicy nice lips there you got Mr. Frodo goodies never say die now let's make out Mr. Frodo

Yeah, I'm standing in a hole, Mr. Frodo. Whatever you've got to tell yourself. But, Sam, we needed those baby Ruth's. Yeah, close your eyes and pretend I'm Josh fucking brolin, I guess. What do we do when we fall down into the hole? We get out of the hole again, don't we, Mr. Frodo? And then we kiss. And Martha Plimpton's just watching laughing,

because she's got a lantern and she like puts it up like, oh, she's kissing a child hilarious. And then she'll go on to make out with Corey Feldman, which is even the worst of all the fates, right? On an apple cart. My God, that scene. Oh, that's very funny. We'll get to that. Yeah. But yes.

This bone organ, I think, is where we're at. And the Fertellies are getting closer and closer. There's like some nut trauma to Joey Pants around here at some point. This dude gets bonked and the ball's no fewer than three times in this film. Outrageous nut trauma to be one character.

My fucking small New Jersey nuts! You can't run my bump anymore? Oh my God. Is this the log crossing? Yeah, he does like a back flip and lands on his shit. Because Dada sneakers barfs up oil

slick shoes. Slick shoes. Slick shoes. You just destroyed your fucking trainers there, kid. But then Robert Dobby crosses and he also gets his nuts destroyed. Which that's very satisfied. That's really what you want. That's when you have to give up for tellies.

I think once you no longer have testicles, because of these children. Once you hear a pop, go home. Yeah, I think that's best. This pipe organ thing is truly terrifying. And this is like, I don't believe that a fucking rum drunk pirate built this stuff. I just don't. This is way too elaborate. Andrew, they were down there for five years.

In the darkness. That makes you go so crazy. I'm like, I'm surprised there aren't other musical. instruments man out of bones. Where's the fucking violin made of somebody's fucking skull? Yeah, I guess the British Army didn't think to send him cheesy movies.

Ar, the worst that we can find. I just feel like you're a bunch of pirates, you're stuck in a cave. The only instrument you're playing is the skin flute, dude. You're not fucking buying or building other... An organ made out of skeletons. It's not happening. Well, that was just like, well, Ted died. Hey. You know, you just start...

Oh, good. Now we can complete. the keyboard with his hands. So she plays it, the door opens, they get across, right? But that's the other part of it. If you play the wrong note, the fucking floor collapses. No way. We come this close, oh,

we come this close to losing mouth, and I was like, ooh, come on. Oh, do it, God. Come on. I don't get rid of Brolin. He almost gets it, too. My beautiful boy. But, like, she does it once right, and then does a bunch of times wrong, and then does and all right where it's like halfway there at that point

start throwing the kids over there. Yep. You don't got to wait for all the way to the bottom. Just start chucking them. And at this point, one-eyed willie is like, I'm going to make a death trap for all anyone who tries to get me gold. But I guess if they get far enough, there should be some fun water slides, I suppose.

I mean, there should be some kind of repose from all the death industry. Oh, you've gotten to the water park portion of my booby traps. Y'ar, and ye better be going feet first. Oh, you kids are wearing a t-shirt down the slide, huh? There's a little, a skillet in life, you're like, wait, wait, now you can go. Wait, wait, wait, now you can go. Down there, you'll find the lazy river.

All right, I'll let you go this time, but you're not wearing a bathing suit, so you can't come back up and go again. Gene sharts aren't bathing suits. But, yes, it's a fun little water slide. And they kind of... Nice. Wow, my goodness. Gracious. And they wind up... This is when they find the big ship.

Am I wrong? Yeah, they... They died into this pool here. And one of the... This is a brilliant deleted scene. Some of these deleted scenes destroy the structure of the movie and make things very complicated

as far as like, who's who and motivations or whatever. But deleting this octopus sequence? Yes. Primo decision. Yeah. Premo decision. Well, it looked like a balloon.

with junk around it if you actually see it like it didn't look great but like the Josh thing they're like just like fuck it keep it and data says it fuck it that's what the Fertelli's nuts look right like now

balloon with junk around it swollen I can just I feel things around there they're just they're shattered they shattered my nuts it's not even it's not even like four minutes later in the movie when they get to the keyboard thing

and he gets hit the nuts again with his own pistol. And that doesn't even data like shoots him in the nuts with a with a chattering teeth thing. Yeah, yeah he gets it that's like the final indignity is the toy is munching on your rod. You can't have kids

messing with your nuts. At that point at that point it really should be like it doesn't work anymore. They're destroyed buddy. You destroyed them. The saddest part is when you get to the pirate ship part and by the way great design on the pirate ship this whole cave looks amazing. It looks great

again this is a really well produced and made annoying movie but so like this part happens or whatever and I paused it just out of curiosity it just had old curiosity 30 minutes left in this movie 30 more minutes we got to dick around with these kids oh my God there is

and it's the weirdest little scene because like they find the ante room where one-eyed Willie and all his treasure is and like Mikey is like hold on let me handle this and he gives like a five-minute speech about him being the first goonie or what. Shut the fuck up, kid. Hey, don't put your stupid shit on me.

I actually didn't masturbate that much, okay? I wasn't from the Goondocks. I'm from fucking Spain, you asshole. I killed children, you son of a bitch. And like he's doing this teary, oh, Mr. Frodo, you're the first goony. I love you so much one-eyed Willie. And, like, everyone is watching him? This kid's talking to a skeleton.

Do goonies drink blood? Because then, yes, I guess I'm a goony. Yes. You did it. We're just losing it. And, like, it's this amazing thing where the movie doesn't know what this speech is supposed to be. Because it is, like, it's a big, like, dramatic speech.

And, like, the gag is all the kids are watching him do it, including Josh Prolin, and he's like, how long were you there? Josh Prolet was like, long enough, Mikey, long enough. So were you moved by these rantings that were going on here? It's a silly thing to walk in on. I would be embarrassed. Everybody should have red cheeks. Yes.

But no, they just move on like, let's get the treasure. Let's just move on from this situation right now. Let's get the treasure. When that kind of gag happens, how long were you standing there? and you say long enough, it's long enough, stupid fuck. It's not long enough. It was fine. We just spent 40 seconds watching you talk to a skeleton.

I love you, little brother. Like, it's not that. He has to be like, it's cool, man. It's been a long fucking day. You're talking to his skeleton. It's fine. By the way, we're talking to skeletons. We're weeping at skeletons.

No one's ever like, man, hope chunk is alive and not getting his finger nails ripped off one by one by the fatalities. I don't think they wonder once, what, happen to that. No, not at all. Thank God it's a little quieter in this cave now. Goonies never say die, so if that happens, he's unalive. He's on a lie.

We're filling our pockets with gold and such and de blooms and diamonds. But, Mike, he's like, don't take from one-eyed willies plate because that's our tribute to him and now I'm some weird pagan kid. Don't take my shit, man. Don't touch it.

Dude, it's an awesome cut because he's like, that's one-eyed Willie's cut or whatever. And it just cuts to a close-up on the skeleton which of course doesn't say anything but it lets you fill in the blank of no problem kid look I can't do it right now because your friends are here but fist bump

thanks really we can be a little something for retirement oh wait I'm a fucking skeleton oh wait the lights coming in no that destroys us no now the Fratellis is that right they come in

and now they're like give us all your treasure. There seems enough to go around. I mean, classic problem with these people, right? It's like there's enough for everybody. We can all share all these fake Halloween store Jewel's that we have here. I don't give a shit about your land development problems.

You're the one called mouse. You got pearls in your mouth. Oh, that's a gross part. Is Anne Ramsey just pulling a pearl necklace out of this kid's mouth? Boop, boop, boop, bo, bo, bo, bo, if a kid licks something, they can have it. You know what, Corey Feldman, all that treasure inside your mouth, that's yours.

It's that right? All right, mouth chick. Oh, God. He should have swallowed it, right, to shit it out. Oh, definitely. You know what? That's thinking, you know? I feel like you could maybe do like one or something, but like he's got a lot

of like fucking jewels and coins that come out of his mouth and the aforementioned pearl necklace. The pearl necklace is perfect, right? Because then you just have a one big coil. Sure. No, it's, I don't know if it happens like that. It's like when your dog gets, Get some rope or something.

You need some help. You just got to be a dog for a day. That's okay. No, you've got to go to a fucking veterinarian and be like, there's something stuck in my digestive track, and I think it's a two-foot pearl necklace. It's, um, no, yeah, a veterinarian. It's a fake pearl necklace.

It's fake. You won't get any money for it. Just give a fuck to me. But they make them, Mama Fertil is like, ah, now you're going to walk the plank, which is kind of just like hanging out in a fun lazy river, I suppose.

It's like seven feet off the water. The water looks incredibly clean. Who goes to shit? What a fun time. There is balloon junk in it somewhere. I don't know where, but balloon junk is down there. Now that we've chased you, shot at you, done all this, just go, leave, whatever. You're just setting them free. Exactly.

Yeah, I tried to kill you this whole movie, now just have fun swimming. Because pirates would do that in the middle of the ocean where they were sure you would drown. Yes. Not in a fun lagoon where the rock is right over there. You cowards! You can't even kill a child! You cowards! If anything, this is where the octopus should have shown up.

We had it earlier the cut scene, where then what, Steph, the character, thinks its mouth touching her. Oh, yes. Actually the octopus? Yeah, and then Data shoves a little cassette deck in its mouth and it swims away while you can hear the song playing inside its body. Ew.

Again, yeah, great decision cutting it out. Also, it looks so cheap, it looks like Martin Landau's fighting it in a fucking... In the Tim Burton's Ed Wood there, that sequence. Just as embarrassing looking as that. I'm happy they didn't make this two and a half hours. I'll be honest. The hour and 50 is tough enough. But here comes sloth.

Yeah, the goonies are long enough, too. Oh, yes. Sloth to the rescue, you know. Doing the Errol Flynn Captain Blood thing. And he's beating on the sale. He's finally taking back from his captors. And he even does like the Superman thing. That's sort of fun.

Like, we love the Superman thing. It's a big moment. You see, that's a movie I made. See, Stephen, if we're ripping off your movies, we're also going to rip off one of mine. No, yeah, we also go, we had a cut scene where David Morris was in a bar with the kids. Talk about basketball.

Yes, sir. I love the eight, well. Yeah, so you found the fucking one person of that works. I knew there was one. Excellent. No, Stephen, we'll do a Superman. Superman never saw it. Yes, you did, you, son of a bitch.

I know you. you saw my movie, Stephen. I just love that that's how Richard Donner sounded. It did. He sounded all the time. The shorter doc that was actually, or just it's a special, I guess, like six minutes.

Yeah, that's a clip someone made on YouTube. Well, I was making up during the actual thing. Oh, that one, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happens in? He goes and he says, like, oh, you think, you know, get a bunch of kids around and you're hanging out, and, you know, you think it's so exciting. And I go to bed every night.

thinking about suicide. And then it cuts directly to him like in a shock being like let's hit our Marxies. Come on fuckers, let's go. Let's get there. No, let's make sure we're supposed to be. See, and that's the stuff

like the onset while we're making it. That's the shit you want to be watching because the other thing, the longer like 24 minute thing, it's all rose-colored glasses. We're shooting this thing in 2010. Oh, it's a fantastic time making a picture. All the kids were little angels. It was amazing.

Corey Feldman, one of our best actors ever. But he hated those kids. Well, he's softened. I mean, it's a big gap there. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. So, like, whatever. Slot saves the day.

He, like, he should do a thing where, like, he just kind of crush his end, Ramsey's head with his biceab. Yeah, like he's just, it's like a fucking penguin, dude. Like, I'm just giving you a hug. Yeah, exactly. What are you doing, Sloth? You got to listen. Slot, what are you doing, Slot?

Help me, God. It would be perfect, right? Because this is where she's like, yeah, I'm just. up you and you fucking head a bunch you beast your shit. You beast your shit. He just needs to go like, no more.

Just like breaks her neck and throws her off the side of the bone. Absolutely. Pick any other child lullaby other than the one where the baby dropped. Yes. Good call.

That's a good call. There's hundreds of them. Just pick any other one. But, you know, like everybody's going through a cave. Like the cave is collapsing or whatever. Oh no. And Sloth is holding up the thing.

and everyone has to go through his legs, which is... Yeah, yeah, time to pay the toll, dude. You went out of this cave? Every time. Woof. It's not his fault. He was chaining a fucking basement.

I'm not blaming the house. Dude, but shit in a bucket. Woof. I think he just shit his pants, right? He's chained up. Well, unless it was like a bottomless chair. Or like a casino royal chair? Yeah.

It started as a nut trauma chair, and then it became a shit chair. Now you're just going to use it. It is a churlet too. It's like he grabs Chunk's head and puts into his conscience sloth-love Chunk. I'm like, this is not the time

and not the way to express this. Chunk's just like you're going to live with me after this whole thing? Like I love you. There has to be at least like, Dad, can we keep him? Yes.

You got to ask permission. You got to ask permission. Ww-w-w-wam-wam. Sure. Now, not to me. of it's to be believed on the IMDB trivia. It's false. It's false. It is

the novelization of the movie confirms that Chunk's parents actually do adopt Sloth going so far as to show him as to throw him a bar mitzvah. Hey! So, there you go. I now have 500 questions

that are not going to get answered. Imagine Sloth just reading through the Torah and a bunch of people at Temple that's fine day. What's he saying? I think even Jason Schwarzen would lose his patience with him.

Yeah, not enough people saw that movie, Steve, sorry. You give him Misha for inside moves. Yeah, that's not fair. Between the temples, check it out. Good movie. But so we all get to the beach there and all of our parents know to be there? They all drive up and like, we

don't know what they've been doing the whole movie, but I guess they've been kept up on events and it's like, all right, listen, your kids may have been found at the beach. They could also have been found dead at the beach. We don't know. So the best thing is to everybody getting one van with the police department

and we all go find out at the same time. Smart move, I say. And yeah, this is like, you know, Chunk's entire family dresses in Hawaiian shirts. That's fun. You better bring Domino's for this kid or you know he's going to be screaming at you. Holy shit, Domino's, man.

I mean, if my parents met me with Dominoes every time, I'd be happy to see them. Really? Oh, I'd be suspicious. I'm like, who died? Happy Thanksgiving, Stephen. Yeah. Yeah.

Pre- Thanksgiving Dominoes. Yikes. Data's dad is the dude who's the assassin in U.S. Marshals that we just talked about. And, you know, it's like the embarrassment of the father passed down on the embarrassment of the son. This guy's also a shitty inventor. He opens his coat like Inspector Gadget and a fucking camera. pops out. God, I hate this shit. He's not a shitty inventor. He just

doesn't know how to market. Because what he did, Steve pointed out this out earlier, this is the first selfie stick. It is. That's true. If he had any sense to market it right, this would have made them a billion dollars. They would have been able to fucking buy the gondocks. No, you know what's going to save it? A bunch of random polished stones, I suppose.

Yeah, that also will work. Because like basically everyone's very happy. I think Mouth and Steph make out, which is disgusting. and do they actually kiss or is it just like I don't think you're a piece of shit after all I think it's that but they are at this point they're eye to eye and like Martha Plimpton's

two feet taller than Corey Feldman except in this scene every other scene he's talking to her like this in the scene where they got to get a little romantic all of a sudden we're at eye level every other scene he's talking to her kneecaps and he got Troy's dad who we've seen earlier who's

got the big heart on for action foreclosing on their house. Shows up on the beach as well. It's like, oh, found your children, did you? That foreclosure is still happening. Dude, I'd be like, can we do this at the bank? What do you do? It's a family emergency.

I don't think you have to co-sign your own foreclosure. I think they just do it. It happens. We're going to bulldoze your house, so sign this, saying you're cool with it. And like, Sean Astin goes to his dad, like, literally teary out. I'm sorry, Dad. I thought, we almost had the money, but we don't anymore. and like, I'll let you tell us.

No, son, actually, having you and your brother, home safe, that makes me the richest man in Astoria. And this asshole has been like, actually, I'm still technically the richest man. Like, yeah, I was being metaphorical with my son who nearly died, you dick. No, it doesn't.

But what's this? Rosalita finds a bag of stone. Oh, man, and it's just the cheapest costume jewelry you've ever seen. And they're like, I guess we'll just give these to the bank, and the town is safe. What? How does that work?

Can you just take shit from like state or federal land and be like, yeah, that's mine? If you're like the British Empire? At the time, I think it was fine. I guess, yeah. I mean, do you have to do something to quote? Because Mr. Walsh has half of the museum

up in his attic. So you have to do some of the quotes. You touched my stuff? You put an extra hole? Did you tongue my painting? Mouth? Talk to me. Was that wrong? Should I have not stuck my tongue

through the hole in your painting? That was my retirement fund, you little shit. But again, like, I don't know what the fucking cash value of any of this shit is or if it matches that house or all the houses it seems. Listen, the day is saved.

Everything's fine. We could rip up that contract that I was signing for the entire town for some... That's the leader of the gondocks or whatever. King of the gondocks, I would say. It is great, like, he tears it up and throws it in the air

and then you can totally tell they were like, that's not enough confetti. And other people also throw up blue and white paper. It's a fun shot. I like that shot. It's graduation day. Here you go. The Fratellis come out of the cave after them and like these cops are ready to gun down

sloth right where he stands. It's crazy. Like he's Frankenstein's monster. Like get a torch. I'm like, it's a guy. He could say words. He's just Italian. And none of the adults are doing anything. all these brave children are throwing themselves

in front of the police firing squad for this guy. And, you know, somewhere Chunk says, yeah, I'll give that kid a bar mitzvah, no problem. I got the money. Well, there's a weird deleted scene where it's like they find the jewels back at the house after the fact. And Chunk's like, oh, yeah, we're moving to New York

and my dad's got contacts at the Rangers. They're going to make him head goalie. Not a thing. You don't say head goalie. It's not like head boy in a place. prep school. Does that mean like the head of the goalie union? I think they mean like starting goalie, but it's like

did anyone review anything before the fucking camera rolled? That's why they re-shot it. But that's pretty much it. It's just kind of like the town is saved and that's... We see the ship and sailed off. Oh, the ship comes out, of course. I do like the sheriff. Great mother of God. These kids

weren't lying to me. Oh my God. The cannons are firing. Everybody We're taking the town back. You'll all be dead, you'll all be skeletons. You thought your troubles were over, didn't you? It's their just beginning. Oh, taking our jewels away from the cave has brought us back to life, and you are now in hell. Yes, and now God's just reading a newspaper.

Oh, what, the dead have risen and are killing this town. Bring us and Ramsey and the children, or your town will be in flames. God, you have to help us. There's a skeleton army after us. Sox on the door. I'm looking at... This is God's time. Let's see what's in the TV guy.

Oh, my God, Bushwhacked. Oh, what channel? Fuck. Fuck, fucking... No batteries! Bushwacked, a children's film where the kids are swearing and having a kind of adult adventure,

and we check back in with the parents to make sure their characters. That's nice. They don't just go, wam, wah, wah, ma. The last indignity for this Mikey kid, though, and I love Sean Ashton, but this is just sad. He sees the ship

going, he fucking gives a kiss goodbye to one-eye, Willie. Just a look, goodbye! Well, that was weird. We kind of just met. Pedal faster. He's kissing at us. Go, go, go, go. Goodbye, Willie. Shut the fuck up. I'm not a goony. May the wind be at our backs,

the little weird boy in the denim jackets kissing us. We like the older one better. And that's the Goonies, folks. That's it. Yeah. That's all she wrote.

Stunning that this was never adapted into, A, a shitty sitcom, or B, a shitty animated series. Oh, absolutely. Very surprising that they were able to hold back on all that. It was a video game? Oh, what? Was it a pretty cool video game? No, a sequel. Oh, it's a sequel.

Oh, okay. Oh, who could care? Who could, sir? Oh, no. no, no, no. That was a good beginning, though. Fertelli's steal a mermaid, cut it off, I say. That's enough. But we've got to get out of here. We want to thank you so much for coming out, of course. It's been great, team. You give yourselves a round of applause.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Big thanks to Mississippi Studios. Yes. You all are great, as always. Thank you to staff. Now, before we get going, though, we like to close every show by checking in, again, with one of our favorite websites, kind of the place we get all our news these days, the IMDB. We got a couple of reviews. here because this is really like you get your pulse

on humanity. Yeah. Right? So here we go. We have a couple for you here tonight. Subject line for this first one. Never Fails to entertain me. Written by Mickey the Constant on New Year's Eve, 2018. Oh, that's not good. Actually, most of his reviews are good.

They're constantly good. What's that? They're constantly good. They're constantly good. On New Year's Eve, though, that sounds sad. Sounds like a friend of Jesus, right? Like Mickey the Constant. What was that guy's deal? Uh, let's see, a great, great movie. No matter how many times I watch it, it always is a cracking watch. Is this British?

It would have to be. Yeah. Buried treasure, pirates, chunk. It has it all. Okay. So, so funny. Uh-huh. A huge nostalgia trip hasn't dated at all.

I challenge any kid or adult. not to enjoy this movie. Well, accepted. Yeah, yeah. Accepted and won. Mickey the Constant. It's fine.

Goonies are, it's fine. All right, so here we go. One more. Subject line, idiotic. This is the one out of ten star review. Oh, no. Andrew, did you write this one?

No, this was written by Sweet Art Cat. Okay. The 17th of October, 2009. Okay. All right. Where's my aspirin? After watching this, I have a headache.

I must be one of the only people in the world who dislikes this movie. No. Granted, I did not see it as a kid. Oh. As an adult, I found it obnoxious beyond belief, mostly because of all the constant chatter and screaming. Thank you. And you sure it wasn't you that did this.

I'm positive. Okay. But Sweet Art Cash. He's my guy. Screaming a throughout the movie. The script jumped around and didn't make sense

in many places. Tell me why anyone would believe they were building a golf course in the hills of Astoria, Oregon. That's a good point. The main house sits on a hill unsuitable for a golf course. Sure.

We must have had a lot more tolerance for bad scripts in the 80s. I've seen a variety of 80s movies, which had awful scripts and were nominated for Oscars. In fact, I can't think of a worse kids' movie than this one. The Spider-Wick Chronicles are 100% better. We've been We Hate Movies from New York City.

Thanks so much for coming out, y'all. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Good night, everyone. Good night. You know what I'm going to do.