We Hate Movies - S16 Ep827: Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

“It’s kind of a ghost-Jurassic Park opening!” - Steve On this week’s episode, our 2025 Halloween Spooktacular continues as we dive into some early-aughts horror while chatting about the 2001 remake, Thir13en Ghosts! First off, how incredibly stupid is this official title? Why did they need to give those ghosts dumb ghost names? What kind of sick person would actually be excited to live in a house like this? And why did the producers think EXTREEEEEME William Castle remakes were a good idea? PLUS: If you used ghost magic to psychically absorb the entirety of IMDb, would the website’s shoddy functionality make you implode? Thir13en Ghosts stars Tony Shalhoub, Embeth Davidtz, Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth, Alec Roberts, JR Bourne, F. Murray Abraham, and Rah Digga as Maggie; directed by Steve Beck. This episode is brought to you in part by Rocket Money. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney dot com slash whm today. That’s RocketMoney dot com slash whm. Be sure to pick up our digital show on Terminator: Dark Fate, available now in our Patreon shop! Don’t sleep on snagging your tickets to our 15th Anniversary show this December where we’re talking all things Arnold in Total Recall! It’s gonna be a gas and we wanna see you there! Click through for tickets now! Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey, y'all, before we get into today's episode on that abysmal 13 ghosts remake, just want to make you hip to some upcoming programming. First of all, if you are listening to this on the day it comes out, which is Tuesday, October the 21st, tonight at 8 p.m. for our top tier Craven supporters over on Patreon. That's right. It's the October edition of our AMA-style chat show, WHM After Dark. That's right. At 8 p.m. Eastern, tonight, the 21st of October 2025. We will be. be on hand live answering your questions on Patreon, either from the chat or the Patreon post itself, talking to our supporters about anything, literally anything that we choose to answer that you ask. But, you know, last month we were talking about not just movies, but music and, of course, telling personal stories, things of that nature. So you're not going to want to miss that tonight.

If you're listening to this, again, on the day it comes out October 21st. But if it's after that while you're listening to this and you are a subscriber to the Cravingtier, you can, of course, catch the replay. Speaking of stuff, you are not going to want to miss. Of course, next Wednesday, again, for our Craven Tier supporters. That's right. The debut episode of Scaredy Cats is dropping. That's right.

It's our new quarterly video show where we talk about all aspects of modern horror. And this month's episode, this premiere episode, we're going to be talking about Zach Krieger's Barbarian. We laid this down last week. It was super fun. It was awesome to talk about that movie, goofing on it and loving on it. in equal measure, a lot, a lot, a lot of fun talking about the great movie. So again, the 29th of this month, y'all, next Wednesday, of course, next Wednesday,

if you are listening to this, you know, the week it comes out. But the 29th of October for our top tier Craven supporters, the debut episode of Scareddy Cats is dropping. You're not going to want to miss that. It's a video show, but yes, there will be audio as well, but we encourage you to watch it, y'all. That's why we're doing it. We want you to watch it, baby.

And finally, of course, just another quick reminder, the 12th of December. That's right. Our 15th anniversary show at the Bell House in beautiful Brooklyn, New York is going off. You're not going to want to miss that. We're talking about the Arnold Schwarzenegger Total Recall. We're reminiscing about the better part of two decades on the air with no sign of stopping, y'all. So we really want you to catch us there at the Bell House the 6th of December. It's a Saturday night, our 15th anniversary show going on.

tickets are available now of course WHMpodcast.com, click on the tour tab it'll take you right to the page where you can get them ticks. All right, here we go. Today's episode, Tony Shaloobe and Shannon Elizabeth in a horror movie that also stars Matthew Lillard. My goodness, it's the 13 Ghosts remake.

Let's reminisce about early aughts horror, y'all. Have a great week. Enjoy the episode. It's pretty extraordinary. This week on the program. This film's another case of someone going. What if we took one of those fun, goofy William Castle movies and made them? extreme it's 13 ghosts

I'm Andrew Jippen Steven Sadek 13 erics Chris Cabin That's way too many erics And we hate movies We all go a little mad sometimes You know it's Halloween

I guess everyone's a title of one good scare Sometimes That is better Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara.

He's sick for fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movies! Movies don't create psychos! Movies make psychos more creative! What an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program, as always.

That's right. The 2025 Halloween Sputacular continues talking about 2001's 13 ghost directed by Steve Beck, who did this and Ghost Ship, and that I think was erased from existence. Oh, man. Oh, man. That just reminds, man, ghost ship's so good. As compared to this. Oh, my God.

Is it really? As compared to this, it is, oh, man. Now I'm just thinking about it. Those ship's one of those top tier, not top openers. One of the best openings. Oh, no, just people always request. Oh, yeah. We absolutely should do it one of these times.

It has a beautiful, much like this year's final destination bloodline. It has a killer opener. Yeah. Oh, really? Really. Never seen ghost ship, but I've seen 13 ghosts twice in my life. Wow. It is the spooky month, Eric.

I would suggest you get on this ghost ship. It's also a tight one. It's very short. I think I might do go ship this year. One to finish Steve Beck'sville. That's a quick one. Just check that box. Dude, I could get it done in an afternoon.

Yeah, when's Blank Check covering him? The mini season they can do. No, but it's, what was I going to say about it? Oh, like, I've just seen a lot of people for whatever reason also happen to be watching it this like horror season on Letterbox. That it's like, you fuckers are just going to like fucking force me to watch it. It's pure pressure. It's what's happening.

I've only seen this movie 13 ghosts on like cable in bits and pieces. I've never watched it end to end. before man was I mistaken same same for me I've actually like I've seen ghost ship like front to back I think two or three times at this point I have not seen 13 ghosts in its total at all I saw

this not even last night wow I did I knocked out for a couple it's him the dog ate your homework the dog ate your movie I guess what we should say also it's okay to like a movie I've seen some people the people are reappraising because they were young when this movie

came out and there's a certain level of nostalgia there right before the world burned down so I understand that to a degree but I'm nostalgic for this movie in the sense of I saw it opening weekend at the movie theater where I was working well yes I've no stature for the old multiplex that they sure

tore to the ground I could picture it now someone's driving a car by the theater Lincoln Park is playing oh absolutely dude yeah it opened in like one of the smaller auditoriums in the place it was like me and no one else watching this movie and then I believe I caught it one other time on a DVD standard, which I think is appropriate

because this entire movie is photographed like that, you wouldn't steal a car, which I am shocked. You took time away from hybrid theory to get this shit? Well, because I didn't want to ruin hybrid theory. You can't be listening to it on repeat like that. You got to put it away. Take the disc changer in the back of the car and put another scene. Hybrid theory is still pretty good. Who was that again? That's leaking bar. Oh, okay, what I was mentioning. I don't know. I did that. I pretended to know. I don't. They were on the radio, Chris. I don't know their album. Okay. So, yeah, this is two years after the also terrible House on Haunted Hill previous episode.

Yes, which might be better, maybe. Yes, it is better than more. Legible. If only because, yeah, in the sense that, like, it's more of a movie than this is. This is really, we get lost in the basement for 70% of this movie. And also, like, I just don't understand how you're writing this movie and you don't have a body count. Like, you have the opening job. Junkyard Salvo is kind of fun. The lawyer gets it. That's super fun. And then it's just like we're just looking for these kids who are out of the movie, by the way. You don't even see what you don't even see what horrors they're witnessing. By the way, what an age gap there.

Shannon Elizabeth as the older sister could not be any younger than 37 years old. No, but like she's clearly like in her mid-20s. Now that Kathy or Kelly, where we're-Cathy. She's Kathy. Now that Kathy's out of college, let's have another one. You know this little rotten

turd is like a total accident but it's just yeah you just need to like she brings some friends along and there's got some dead meats and like they start going because I mean like the only other person you can kill in this movie who should get killed but I understand why not no would be

Maggie Maggie the nurse or the maid or whatever she is which is again a weird why not just have there be friends exactly the reason you don't kill her because she's the only black person in the movie so like obviously it looks weird you are you are desperately, desperately

trying to set off the Maggieverse. Dude, they are trying so hard, especially at the end of this movie to like give this woman all these fucking one-liners and every single one of them does not work. Every line, and it's no surprise that it was this lady's only feature

film. She's like a rapper. She's worked with Buster Rhymes a bunch. I know you. But like she's part of what was a flip mode spot? Oh yeah, flip mode. I think the last song in the movie is probably her. Yeah. Her last line is kind of funny. Like, what was I quit. I'm going back to Newark or whatever.

There you go. I would love a ghost to Newark movie. A lot of ghosts in that town, probably. The ghost of the New Jersey Nets. Oh, my God. Derek Coleman. I'm sure that's a Tube production. If you listen really closely, you can still hear them dribbling all the way from Brooklyn.

Keith Van Horn. You hear the squeak of the court every time you try to go to sleep, the sneakers against the court. You just hear a cold voice go, the rock, the rock. Bring it to the rock. The real reason that they don't make her a friend is because then Tony Shulub wouldn't be able to put her in her place.

What do I pay you for a line? Why are you paying her at all? You're talking about you're crying poverty and you have a full-time servant that lives with you. But I will point out to Chris Cabin that a father could put a friend in their place. I've been putting Tony Shalub, I don't know. He's too kindly.

Well, that's another thing about that. I'm just like, I like Tony Shaloo. I don't, what is he doing for me in this movie? Yeah, big question mark, Tony Shalub carrying a movie? No. It's also the problem like, this movie wants to have too much heart. And I'm like, where is this coming from? Get out of here with the like the weepy shit.

I mean, that's why that cast Tony because he could carry that type of scene. I think it's because they wanted to like, they didn't have the comedy. And that's what the original movie was more of a comedy. And like, so like, I mean, I think so. I don't know if that's scary. Well, it's not scary. I literally just watch it, though. It's kind of just like an adorable.

I mean, I think William Castle movies are adorable. They have a really like. Sometimes, yes, sometimes. I mean, like, it's a sort of nice little vibe to them. There's a very specific mood to all those movies. And like, they're adorable in the sense of like those effects are charming as fuck. They run the line between like they're kind of eerie, but they're really just kind of charming and like, look at that skeleton on his shirt. I like the gimmicks of it, you know, like putting on the glasses, then you see the ghost.

why it's so weird that these two movies were such like hardcore extreme turns. Because he did, he did do the actually eerie movies that were effective like Mr. Sardonicus, the tingler, are more of like, supposed to be a little more serious. 13 ghosts specifically is a

goofy like movie. And like it's like, aye! And so is house on Haunted Hill. Both of them contain skeletons on strings guys. And the tingler had that gimmick where they touch or took a stir movie. Oh, dude, that was just that time you went to the movies with Andrew Pomo. That's true. That's right up the tingler. You know, you can't keep the tingler out of office.

I'll run on every, on every street corner I can. It's me, the tingler. Andrew Cuomo. This guy won't take no for an answer. If you, uh, if you tingle someone in the ass, you own their soul, you know that? Did you ever hear that? All those COVID nursing homes. Oh, my own so many sexy souls then. Am I eating shit in the polls? I don't know, maybe an AI commercial. Is that going to do nothing for somebody? I finally saw that. fucker in the wild the other day. That's embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. It's like

you don't want the job. It's time to rename that Mario Cuomo bridge. I don't care about your daddy. Tapin Z. Sick and driving over that thing looking at the C word right in my face. Exactly. Get that out of the I do I think that this movie is what 2001

2001? During 9-11. Yes it happens during they filmed it during 9-11 like literally they were like a moment of silence and now let's be scary. We're pressing through. We're going for it, baby. It cleared Matthew Lillard from the investigation. Oh, really? That he wasn't involved. That's exactly. Well, because no one could figure out. I'm going to flight school. I missed the day. Actually, that is

a weird thing. It gets a manic phone call from Skidolwark. I can see both in that teaming up and doing a 9-11. It's like no one thought it would be us together. Oh, my parents are going to be so mad again. It's the black box recording. Houston, we have a problem here. so what we're going to do Sid is throw out a Saudi passport right before we hit

hit me with the fucking cockpit radio did no it can't go through the engine it can't shred it has to be legible that was in poor taste oh yeah well so is this movie with its titty ghosts well titty ghosts

that is something you know it was doing it for somebody but oh absolutely I think what's in poor taste here is this movie the opening of it and it's kind of like ripping off the end of night Nightmare 3, we're in this junkyard. It looks like the events of Nightmare 3 just happened. It looks like Hellboy is happening. That's the thing.

I don't remember Nightmare 3 that. Do they have ghost police in that? Do they have an army of ghost tamers? Oh, no, I'm fighting a skeleton and a junkyard. And also, speaking of like, I think we kind of remember, did we mention it off the air, the cutting of this movie to avoid ratings? I think we're talking about it off the air. But like, yeah.

This is one of those moments. Because, like, later when all these dudes are getting, like, murdered by this ghost that they're trying to catch, you see, like, six or seven dudes just, like, squashed and, like, popped, like, bugs. And I was like, what happened to those guys? Well, the beginning tricks you into thinking this might be a fun movie. Not a good movie, but a fun one. Also, it's kind of a ghost Jurassic Park opening. Big time.

You know what I mean? 100% of us. And also, you have, what do you call? Trapper! Trapper! Trap! Matt Lillard is kind of like a... a Dennis Nedri on

Zempec a little bit you know what if oh baby yes I can see that because he's like this you know psychic guy that has kind of more knowledge than the rest of these guys

except for I guess F. Marie Abraham but like you just see this squad roll in and then we're like getting out all this equipment we're setting up a fucking glass cube I feel like I want a little more table setting I would love to hear about like introduce this Dennis

character as being a psychic You know, maybe even keep this, that Kalina character that comes in later. Yeah, even though she, who doesn't make a goddamn like I said? No, because then it's like a twist or whatever. But if there was a Van Helsing type of woman after them, maybe she starts sabotaging this. And that's why it goes wrong. Well, because it's so weird when she shows up with this like either boyfriend or brother or whoever this other guy is.

Oh, sure. Who dies at this attack, like, oh, so that sets her up. And then when she turns out to be, like, crooked or in love with F. Burry Abraham, like, so what was that guy's deal is the question? She has some passing line of, like, and don't worry, I killed him for you. Oh, I thought they made a bit of a thruple, like, F. Murray Abraham. I don't think F. Murray Abraham's tolerating a threat. He could be that cucked, though, like in a professional setting.

That's why he was killed just because he didn't like it. They gave it a shot, and he was like, I, you know what, rather than ever deal with this and, like, talk about it, let's just kill him. I do like that F. Murray Abraham, I believe, and Matthew Little would show up in like an Adam's family car that he's driving around it. Yes, it's a big Bentley, I believe. So, quick question, would you, would you F. Murray Abraham? Would you kill him or would you marry him? Oh, I'd marry Marie-Apram for sure. He's got allegations now, right? We should not even say anything good about him. I think it was like some poppy kind of stuff.

Right. Like a little butt grab in. Yeah, that's not good. Not good. That weird like old man thing where when you get caught you're like, oh, I'm confused. We'll change it to kill Mary Abraham. I don't want to marry that guy anymore. I didn't even know. Kill Marie Abram. Kill Mary Abraham. There's a weird thing.

So like you get a like a glimpse of what his powers are here. Matt Lillard's character, Dennis. And like he's doing a like he touches the ground or whatever. And he's able to like suss out like where this ghost is. And he's like, you said he only killed nine people. I got 40 people in this vision or whatever. I'm already out. Dude.

Well, though it gets stomach. This is why I was out. I'm out right here where he goes, yes, nine in life, but he's been quite busy since then or something like that. I was like, oh, shut up, F. Marie Abraham. No. This cape, I think, had to be his idea. Like, he brought this from home. I'll do the movie, but I'm bringing my cape from home.

Stupid Michael Cain wouldn't do this, would he? It doesn't have the gravitas for a cape. Because it's all so quickly. It's like you're, you don't, I mean, look, it doesn't spoon feed you. I agree with Eric. Like, some table setting to be nice. kind of just from movie language you understand that Matt Lillard

is psychic but they never really say it until halfway through the movie dude halfway is generous frankly and like and then they're setting up all this shit and I'm like I guess this is a ghost catching device and he's got a ghost squad and then when Kalina shows up I'm like literally

who is anybody what is happening but all of this I don't think really that's the thing is like it's all just they want us in the house as quick as possible and like I honestly am like, get us out of the house. It's so fucking boring. Yeah, I mean, it is boring.

But like, if they wanted us there as quick as possible, you could just start with the lawyer showing up. We have this information. This is, I feel like how the haunting 1999 starts maybe. Kind of. Yeah. So just like get them to the house immediately. Or just even they show up to the house.

Like, wow, can't you believe that we inherited this creepy house? Well, that's the thing. There's no in, I just watched the 1960 this afternoon also. And like, there's no, um, F. Murray Abraham. kind of deal. It's all like the lawyer and it is just like oh this family has fallen on hard times. They're poor and it's like

it is hilariously like teenage daughter little boy again but the mother is still alive and it's just the fore of them and they get a notice like oh you've inherited this house and they go to the house but the other thing is it's not designed to be an annoying one crazy night like I love it a one crazy night thing. It does not work in this movie

the original it's like multiple days it feels more like a conjuring movie where they're like geez we're just living in this haunted house and it's annoying. A week goes by or whatever. Also the idea of living in this insane museum gift shop that they inhabit. This fucking Harry Potter exhibition I walk

into here. It's like right when you see those like the key and how it opens and how like insane it is, no, no, no, I come back with my general contractor and we start demoing as we enter. Because look at this shit. Where am I going to put my pulp fiction poster? It's getting cut. It's

immediately going to get cut. This house is giving me a migraine just looking at it. But at the same time, I have to say the production design is really awesome. It's cool, yeah. It's fucking cool. It's the only thing that makes this movie at all worth even laying eyes on. But this opening sea just

kind of fun. This guy gets ripped at one of the helpers gets ripped through the dick into a car, it seems like it's pretty much the fucking death in Final Destination Bloodline. Yes. Yes. With the dude getting pulled into the imaging machine. It's pretty good. That's a good one.

Also, like, this also kind of felt very Jurassic Park anyway when F. Murray Abraham's like, release the bait. Yes. This dude's driving a dump truck spraying blood all over the place. That's a thing for like a cool early 2000s vampire movie. Yes. Like where is the blood from? How did he get it?

Is there? I mean, what is it they grind up like a bunch of monkeys or is it human blood or like what are we talking about? At this point, this movie is so bad. Give me the limited series about them stealing the blood. Yeah. We got a blood hike. We got to chum the trash lands. Here we go.

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Because it turns out she's crooked at the end of this movie. It's pointless that they insert it all. But the fact that this Kalina and Damon are like ghost freedom fighters, people. And she runs into this movie. One of the first things she does is like, F. Murray Abraham, you're fucking putting these ghosts into slavery. And I was like, what in the ever-loven shit are you? What angle is this? Also, why do you have Lord of the Rings names?

Kalina is too much. It is. Yeah, and important, like, they talk about what they do. It's like the ghost reclamation business. Business, explain business. What's the business part? Oh, like con artistry. Yeah.

This is the idea. Well, I guess they're ghost busters, but it's like catch and release instead of containment units. Yeah, they catch and release the wallets of the people that come. They take the money from them. But that's a great idea. Like if a ghost hunter would just like catch a ghost, take a photo with it, holding it up to the camera.

And then you let it back out. Look, I got this one. it's five feet tall. Exactly. Then you just like, you get on back into that ghost water, a little fellow.

Oh, I got another adult baby ghost. There's so many of these. Man, we're going to have to find a new spot to fish. If I pull up one more adult baby ghost, I'm calling it a day. But even in this,

they bring in so much bullshit. Bring in the cube. Power up the cube. He comes to cube. A breaker. The breaker is the guy we have to, maybe we're trying to get. I don't know.

Here's the thing that I've always thought is really dumb and not just in this movie, but when other, like, ooh, ghost movies do it. When the ghost has a name of, like, a professional wrestler, instead of like, it's just Margaret Johnson who died 200 years ago. It's got to be like, this is the headless bride. And this is the juggernaut, bitch. Dude, yes. Like, come on. Well, because it's actually worse because it's both, like, they have, like, the headless, the whatever. And then there's like the name, their name corresponding to what we'll refer to later as the black zodiac.

So what's your black zodiac sign, guys? I'm the, I'm not, personally, I'm the great child and the dire mother. I'm not the juggernaut. Whatever the little kid is with the arrow in his head. The guy with the beard, I'll take it. You're the firstborn son. That's right. And what would you say, Chris?

The guy with the beard, I think it's towards the end. Miller or something. Maybe. Can I be the guy with the cage on his head? the jackal yeah my black zodiac side is titty ghost uh of a titty ghost rising i suppose you would say also really quickly while uh eric and chris two fucking idiots are looking at a consulting the zodiac first of all hell is in retrograde this month that's the fucking issue i think it's the hammer the hammer the hammer's the darth mall

guy oh yeah yeah with all that fucking shit in his head oh the railroad spike Yeah, Phidious Gage over here. What a reference. I get a babe. He doesn't get a babe for that. Because that's like folky kind of stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, it works.

It's like a white trash, Dennis Miller. Yuck. You all ever hear about Phiddeus Gage? Yeah, this fucking guy, he was working on that railroad and the spike went right up into his head. Darling. Here's the thing. Yes.

We need to. Tater salad. I need one of my movie laws There's many of them I'd like to pass real laws But I could only pass movie laws Sure Is we gotta stop with the numbers

And the titles and the letters What is this? Am I trying to log into my 401k account? Like come on I don't need special characters And one capital letter Like the William Castle Just the number 13

And guess what folks Nowadays that puts you at the top of the list If you're scrolling alphabetically Come on guys come on It makes you feel really good That your movie is kind of like seven right Doesn't it make you feel like a big man? I don't even like it there.

I agree. Every time I'm trying to type in seven, like don't you mean the seven's in the middle? No, I mean seven the movie with Brad Pitt. No, no, you mean C-7-N-C-7-M. C-7-M. And this is 13-3. 13-m.

This one doesn't even, the seven barely works. You got to twist that seven around to even make it work. This one works even less. The one, the one is always an eye in that thing. It's always an eye. It's always an eye. The three is an e-shore, Jehovah spelt with an eye. But the one is an I, it is not a T, and fuck off for that.

Also, I'll barely accept the one name. If it's one, one word, that's fine. Two, get the fuck out of it. The name of God, okay, I'm going to be stepping, one. One Deanna Jones, that's my name. One Deanna Jones. Oh. man so yeah that

Damon dude gets killed everything goes tits up we get this ghost in the containment box or whatever's going on and then it cuts to some time later and F. Murray Abraham is fake dead and Damon is real dead it seems like Damon real dead yeah I forget

Fmery Abraham has a car hood like it's supposedly looking like it cut his head off as the idea which is like in the fracas of this like ghost attack these ghost raptors or whatever is going on Yes. How does he have time to apply this makeup and lay down under this property?

I hired Tom Savini for the night. So some people are really dying. Yes. And he's fake dying at the same time. Which is also to what to fool Matthew Lillard, I guess? To what end? And if you want to fool Matthew Lillard, you're trying to tell me you want him to not be taking drugs? Yeah.

Dude, all you got to do. What the fuck is you're probably. All of a sudden he plays saint in the middle of this is like, no, no more pills. Because that's going to dampen his powers and he needs the powers to find the ghost. You just drive him out into the country and let him out. And you fooled Matthew

Lillard. Yeah, man. Where is it? Are we moving to a new house? Yes, Matthew Lederer. We're moving to a new house in the country. Well, it's taken a long time to get there. Yes, I buried the rib-eye bone way out there. You just dig it up when you get out there and put it in your mouth and bring it

back. It is weird, though, because of course, I predominantly know Matthew Lillard from playing two roles. Stumacher and Shaggy Doe. And in both instances, he's doing a voice. In this movie, he's not. Yes. And it's very weird hearing him just talk very flatly. Like, this character

does not have the Stumacher Gravitas. He's trying to play him as like this, like, kind of damaged dude who hates these powers that he has, which it makes him, this is what I really dislike most about this movie. He's the most interesting character. The movie doesn't care, and they kill him off three quarters of the way through. Well, he's like

a Stephen King character kind of a dude. Like, you know, damn these psychic powers kind of guy with the dark whatever i hate i hate all this dream catching them exactly boy i wish i didn't have to spend so much of my time shining all over the place would you like me to explain something more do is there anything else you would like me to explain here i love this little montage of the burn it's like we're in the backyard shanid Elizabeth's like, yay, I'm so happy. Yay! And then Tony Shalub is, is like,

are you happy, mother? Yes, I'm happy. I guess we're all happy then. Wasn't everything so happy, I hope? And then the camera kind of starts panning through the room and you start hearing all this stuff. It's so fucking funny. It's very funny. On the one hand, I do appreciate it's a kind of a cool flourish of as the camera turns in this 360.

Yes. It goes from like their nice idyllic house to like the shit hole apartment that they live in. and Shalub is looking out the window at the start and end of the shot. But the unintentionally hysterical part of this is like you hear the fire starting and it's like, what is that a fire? Like you don't see any of this.

It's like the room turning. And it's like, what is that a fire? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's getting out of control. Oh, we better get out of here. Oh, we're gonna go back in for Gene. Isn't the titles going as they are? You were hearing this woman burn alive

to the credit of an introducing raw digger. and how did the fire start? Nobody cares. Oh, okay, yeah. It just started, killed. The wife shouldn't get out the house. That's the end-knit. Loeb was finishing off a pack of marbreds,

and he got it in the vinyl fucking LPs, and that was it. Oh, fuck, do my collection. I'll end my wife. But the collection. I knew the collection longer than the wife. I do love also, it's just like, we're sorry, sir.

Your wife didn't make it. We are gathered here today to bury Jean. And I'm like, stop. with the gene. Doctor, you shouldn't be saying that. Oh, my God. There's like a radio drama all of the sudden. Does she have a last name? No.

Gene. Poor Gene. Here lies Gene. Burned in blue jeans. Gene wife. That's her name. Sponsored by Winchester Cigarettes. Tune in next week when we get the following episode, Gene's funeral reception. Oh, no.

Who knows evil lacks in the hearts of men? Gene knows. Winchester. not the brand that burned down Jean's house Winchester We'll never burn down your house Sounds like Chesterfields did it

We'll not We won't take your OG copy of the white album No we won't This has marble written all over it And so we get this breakfast scene This This little kid This kid who

This we put down I like look I'm all for I understand You know We have to be understanding Parents have to be understanding that's part of being a parent is that you have to like learn to

this kid has to be old yeller like you know just so it's my son dad I'll do it exactly it's just like should be Shannon Elizabeth she should do it he's doing this like little a little kid with a tape recorder fake radio show the original podcast

True crime podcast True crime podcast and he's reading like grim headlines into a tape recorder It's exactly the amount of research of these things I mean especially the ones that get in hot soup Yeah. I think they should all be in Hotsie. Those are the people that deserve to be haunted, man. Oh, my God. Dude, I'm sure. I'm sure they're getting haunted. I cannot wait to die in some grisly event. And then some podcaster covers my, and then you speak my name back to new existence. You give me power through the audience. And then I come back to life and then I start murdering podcast. You just wrote a 73-minute shutter original right there, my friend. You got it done. Copyright Eric's this. Dude, when they're trying to like track down your ghost or whatever and they sense it. the house, like, oh, no, the podcasters here, and you roar out of

a room with a microphone. The casters catch. We'll call it deadload instead of download. I don't know. Load, I want to steer clear up in general. Well, it's about me. Maybe die and subscribe possibly. Okay, yeah.

Die and subscribe is a good one. Copyright, copyright, copyright, copyright. So I got some points on this guy. You do. You do. You guys are cut out. This is an Eric. There enough. That's fine. So, while this morning is going on, you know, it's your classic.

He trips over the scooter and spills coffee on himself and he's at his wits fucking end with his miserable family and he screams at the kid. Because it's like, oh, dad, you used to be so nice. And look, I just, I still cannot get over this nanny that is never doing anything. She's not even watching this guy. I mean, she's taking

up a seat at the table. How about that in this cramped apartment? We're complaining about poverty. You can't have a living nanny. It's, I mean, come on, but she keeps the atmosphere jovial, doesn't she? Yeah, she sure does. She is very funny Every line is funnier than the last I will take her than anyone else in this movie

Because it's like at least this is giving me something No Matthew Lillard That's what the movie should have focused on He's the character make it like a frighteners kind of thing He's the Frank Bannister character But no Fucking family drama with Tony Shaloobe This lawyer shows up with the most evil face

I've ever seen Dude this guy how about this See if you guys agree with this Literally the first thought I had in my brain And when this guy comes on screen, he could play the gin in a Wishmaster reboot. Yeah, for sure. He just has a face of a handsome dude that would have a good time lying to you. White Wishmaster.

White Master. White Master. I don't know about Whitemaster. That's going to go next to deadload in the Iffey. How do you think we get S. Craig Zoller to do it? Come on. How do we think we say we want that? Whitemaster takes place in the antebellum south.

starring Mel Gibson in a dual role Vince Vaughan and several roles damn he really likes this guy this is this dude J.R. Born he's just like a Canadian actor who didn't really do much but it is hilarious because he's like

oh yeah the lawyers I've got this appointment with the lawyer and the kid goes he's not going to make us move again is he the crazy thing about all this though when you when you get this one detail later in the movie all this living with the maid the apartment sucks this other thing the wife only died

six months ago. Yeah. Tony Shalub let this family fall to ruin in six months. Also, what happened to your fucking house insurance, brother? Or maybe like it was arson, like what happened? What did your job burn down too? So maybe he says he's a math teacher. Let's get to work. Come on

dude. Put the, you're supposed to be good at numbers, man. What is this 30 year old daughter of yours doing all day? Plus and add up the rent nothing. She's doing nothing. Let's make that clear. That's how you save the money. You fired the fucking maid and the sister just watching the city. She's burning toast. Well, there's a joke, there's a joke, the first joke of the movie of many great jokes is Shannon Elizabeth is making breakfast and I think Tony Shalub's like, why didn't Maggie do it?

That's her job. It's like, oh, you know Maggie can't cook. And I'm like, why the fuck is she here then? Good God, this character is worthless. Well, that's the thing is I think this all paints it very easily. Tony Shalub is bringing all these characters to this deadly Rubik's cube of a house to kill them all. I mean, I think this is pretty obvious. It would be.

That'd be a nice reveal. It's a twist worth watching. We actually forgot about one of the best jokes in the movie. Not really a good joke, but one of the best parts of the movie is, you know, like when Kathy there is yelling at Bobby, the son there for doing the true crime podcast at the table there. And he's like, dad, tell Kathy that recording a record of the dead is healthy. Yes, recording it. Because she's being a real slut about it. Just a little kid saying slut.

Did you imagine? And then Maggie's like, she's not a slut. That means she's being a bitch. I was like, oh, yay, it's early 2000. She's being a bitch because the slut uses her sexuality. I was like, oh, man, none of this is working. You can just hear the note, right? You could just be like, can we have the kids say slut at some point?

I don't know. Yeah, I need the kid to say slut. I think that would really, it would peppped it up. It would get people's attention. The movie needs titties and, of course, a little boy saying slut. How about a couple things I'm going to need. I want this movie. Under 90 minutes, I want to turn that theater right around.

Immediately turn it around. That little kid needs to say slut. I need those titties. You want this on Cinemax, don't you? Of course, you want to make some money on this. Can we get some cut-up titties just for the old man? You know, just for me alone. Well, it reminds me of a victim I had once.

I mean, never mind. Wait, hold on. You hired the American Pie Girl, and she doesn't get naked. Yeah. I don't know if it's going to make it on Cinemax. This audience is going to be so mad. Might as well just take my money and set it on fire. What are we doing?

got this shot in Elizabeth. This movie so inaccurate. You know I killed the Black Dahlia. So the lawyer's like, hey, there's this video that you got to watch from F. Murray Abraham. Don't worry. We're all going to watch on the shit-ass real player monitor. Dude, the idea, this is, I've

hilarious. It just changed my will. I did it this morning. Yep. I now will have a video will that can only be played via real player. That's awesome. So your fucking 480P resolution. A.K. He had no will let's move on I don't have the Kodak for that what is that fuck this I found it I found a note it says lawyers cost money play this did you notice the background of this

computer screen is also sort of like a Ouija board background yeah well you know we thought he'd spruce it up a little bit and I love that multiple times like it's like oh okay the the the will and testaments over the the the real player's closing it opens back up and there's more why does the window keep closing and opening I don't understand that part god damn it's stupid Dad, we need a plug-in to play Uncle Steve's Will. Yeah, we're not download. Yeah, then we'll never see it. How about that?

My computer's not diseased enough to have a real player. How about a Winamp? Do you think we could get this thing on a win-amp? Man, real player, that takes me back. It's really something. It's so silly. It's so silly to watch it. And it's F. Burry, Abraham, you know, if you're reading this, I'm dead.

This house is my life's work. Now it's yours. And they are, I mean, Shannon Elizabeth. is looking at pictures of this house like she wants to go down on it like she's so fucking excited about this opportunity to get it she's literally there's a shot of her

licking her teeth like her front teeth what she does in this movie like A she's the poster so like she should be the lead of she's your final girl they write her out of the movie A number one she does nothing in this B number two like

she's not the world's greatest actress but man does this character make no sense she's just like this house is awesome Dude, I think it's a fucking character that was written to be like 13 or something. And they were like, you need to take it. Now, what I want you to, this is what I want your inspiration to be. You just won a prize on a big TV show. Okay.

And that's what you're going to be doing for the first 45 minutes. She looks like she's in the showcase showdown and fucking Price is right. That's it. That's all it is. They're trying to get reaction shots of her. You don't hear it because it was just on the set. But it's, da, da, da, da. I mean, it's smile bigger.

All she does is she has. acts like a slut about the true crime podcast. I wish she was acting like a slut. She's just standing there, burning eggs. And then she gets to the house and she's like, oh, what a great bathroom. And then she's attacked by the jackal which is the guy with the cage on his

head. And he rips exposing her bra. She's dragged it on a hallway. That's a wrap. That's it. She lives. Out for the rest of the movie. Nothing else. Zero to else. It's crazy. And again, like, if she was like the teen, you know, she's 20-something, like,

But if she's playing like the teen girls, like, these are my friends and blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to drink. Oh, dad's got to talk to the lawyer. We're going to drink at this cool house and blah, blah, blah. Then we've got to move here. Here's what it is, right? We inherited the house. Wow, the house looks so cool.

Yeah, we're going to move in next week. Now teenage kids. No party in the cool fun house. While I'm away at that math teacher conference, don't you dare go to that house without me. And then we get Tony Shaloolew out of the movie. All right. Welcome to the math teacher conference. Okay, so this is a seminar about calculators in class.

Yay or anything. Okay, so there's a yes or no, I don't know what that. And on this one, there's 12 ghosts that enter the house. Now, if they pick up a 13th ghost, now, they're traveling at this amount. Oh, that's simple addition. They take 10 goes away, you understand. I have some terrible news. The math conference is going to be canceled for the rest of the week.

And turns out there's a pretty cool slasher movie going on at this conference, and I didn't even know it. Oh, my God. That's a wonderful. It's definitely better than whatever's going on in 13 ghosts. But we didn't even learn rhombuses yet. Rombus is important. I don't know.

Do you know what Rombus? Rombus, rompice. Oh, we don't know no maths. No, I think it's... You know, that's a great thing that I just said. British people say maths. Oh, yes. Is it all-encompassing, like...

Because it's mathematics. Right, they say maths, and we just say math. It's all math. It's just odd with the plural of maths It's like you're grabbing multiple maths to take with you. We should start trigonometry. Let me get a half pound of algebra. He says that F. Murray Abraham does like, oh, you know, I've never, I neglected my nephew.

And I want to make sure that you and your family are okay. And there's like this differing stories about how much money he has. Like, oh, no, it's all tied up in the house, but you get to live in the house for free. That right of that alone should let you know you should run. When someone is telling you, I've neglected my nephew. I don't know if you do that I don't know if you can do that Like neglect your nephew

Yeah I'm like it's really easy I don't think I think like you see them like what Once a year, twice a year That's it I abandoned my nephew Yes I abandoned that guy Random person

I resent all of my uncles That I don't know Yeah exactly How dare you sir You better die and leave me some haunted shit The funniest shot on this little like Trip up to the house or whatever Because the lawyer's like

Oh it's a couple hours drive up to Willow Grove, not that that matters in this movie. They're driving and it's like, oh, this is going to be so much. I can't wait to see this house. San Elizabeth's like, oh, I'm going to suck that house. This dick. I'm so excited or whatever. And then like it cuts to the lawyer driving alone in another car as if he's got their car wired

or something because he's just looking in the mirrors smirking like those fucking rooms. And you know, talking about Willow grove, which we know nothing about. I mean, there's no neighbors for miles, so don't even worry about it. But if you want to add body count, how about the Willow grove? Sheriff's Department or whatever comes to check shit out and gets Joe Don Baker as the Willow Grove Sheriff. What's going on to this queer looking house here? Was that a bunch of maths on the floor? Look like a bunch of math equations down there. Is that a bunch of

Latin's? Oh, there's Spinney House. Yeah, okay, the glass house with the spinnies. I do, we also get this scene where you're like, oh man, here comes Mbeth David's vampire hunter or whatever. Dude, yes, her commando-esque, I'm getting all the gear out of the lab. And it's like, holy shit, yeah, grab those sticks at dynamite. Oh, they're flares. We won't see you for 45 minutes.

Okay, I forgot about her entirely. She has, like, their office wall, this, like, paranormal Pepe Silvio thing going on. And I'm like, cool. So she's, like, working whatever case this is or whatever. No, none of that means fucking anything. It says adventurer dead at 57, which is pretty fun. Oh, Emery, Abrams at Obit, bit, which is pretty. funny. Yes. We also

noted adventurer, which I think is pretty funny. There's like, is this the Dunkin' Donuts? Oh, his body was founded behind a Dunkin' Donuts. I love Dunkin' Donuts, they say. Especially their new deal with hash browns and a coffee for $2.99. What they're talking about Jack, Nance? That guy's, that might be the 13th ghost.

That guy's in donut heaven, definitely. Is that here? Is that back at the house? He's always doing a stupid little podcast. Doesn't matter. And, man, anytime that little fucking turd open his mouth, just my hearing went right off. It's turned right off. It's a disgusting shit. I mean, we got to call what it is.

But it's also like playing up the widow boy wisp thing. It's like, dude, you're too old for that. But you just got to turn that kid around. Like, if you let it go, man, the makeup department didn't cut it off. I'm sure you had a little trash stash going on there. You could definitely grow a little trash stash, a little fucker. You're not this little, oh, look at me. Oh, my goodness.

What, me, woe, ball. You can't do the voice and have him be smart. that's too much right and how do we not have that little boy bobby here this discussion boy how does he not encounter you should have a prolonged scene with the other the ghost boy yes the first boy or whatever like up or something anything they see this house which is all glass with all it's obviously with all this latin written around oh was lily sobieski in there you know what frankly better movie a bunch of

oh yeah remember bruce stern was in that oh right I don't have in the fucking glasshouse, man. They're trying to kill me. Oh, no. I'm sure it's a movie four Shibletons can watch. Record a stupid podcast about 15 years ago. The idea that channel is like, oh, wow, this house is so amazing. I'm like, there's no walls.

Like, what is amazing about it? What a weird house. Like, I guess it's big. Like, hey, dad, could we sell this? And then like, move into a regular house. If that's what it was where she's running around with like dollar signs in her eyes, like the resale value is going to be insane. sort of hint at it because she's like, oh, Tony Shalub, there's all this old

shit in the house. I bet it's worth a lot of money, i.e., like, we're going to hawk this stuff. Yes, and buy an actual house. But that's the thing. The house is never in question about it. It's just, we're going to sell all these swords and shit that he's got catalog. Because the house is so great. It's all my, oh my goodness is house. It's a fucking museum installation. It's not even a house. You got like a bathroom and a bed. That's about it. She's acting the same way that Queen Latifah does when she's walking underwater and sphere. She's just like, this is all so beautiful.

Oh, it's beautiful. Like, that is what she's doing in this dumbass fucking cube house. I was almost getting sphere vibes, but I guess it's more of a vent horizon vibe from the turning gears of the hell dimension thing in the engine inside this thing needs to open up at the end

and the devil has to go, how you do it? I mean, we threaten baby bear. We threaten if we don't do it, but like Tony Shalub's even like, well, that's a bit odd. I guess this won't be the living room then. I'm like, it's insane what are you talking about where's the tv yes what are you talking about why would we have a tv in this house is american house is there a gas leak this place is scary and weird that's the other thing too like as far as like what's in the house or whatever like there's a part where shanna elizabeth gets to

a bedroom yes and she takes one look around and goes oh this is definitely my room and then you get a look at this this is like mrs bates's furniture and she jumps backwards on this bed i was like Where's the dust cloud flying off this thing? And the rest of it's hallways. I don't think there's another bedroom. There's so many hallways. And then there's like in the very front, there's like a hotel lobby little thing where you can sit and have a little read.

There is a room which I love. God, fucking damn it. The little boy finds it. It is giving hotel lobby. It absolutely is. They should have that weird little, what do you call their concierge station with like three Doritos bags? I'll be with you one minute.

Just one minute. I'll be with you one minute. I'm just looking at Facebook on the computer shut. fuck if I hate my fucking job. Oh, how may I help you? I'm fucking a janitor. Just to give me something. Just give me something. Sorry, Steve. What were you saying?

No, there's another bedroom. The little kid finds it and it's just, it's like, oh, this is my room and it's got this. I guess this is part of F. Murray Abraham's plan or they were just his. It's a pile of spawn comic books. Did anyone else notice? Oh, I did not. I noticed that they were spawned.

That's right. My early image collection, F. Murray, Abraham, don't touch my young bloods or cyberforce. I was particularly fond of the spawn storyline where the spawn powers went over to wander for a moment. That was a cool what-if kind of spawn stories. Everybody talks about those losers, Jack and Stan, Seth Raint Supreme. One day, these will all be worth so much money with all the chromium covers. Don't touch my savage dragon comics.

Oh, Jesus, too. I'd be in the cop uniform Oh you know it's a This dude knows who Savage Dragon is Mark What is that? I thought you were talking about sex toys Anyway They put out a few songs in the No, that's an adjun dragon

Or Savage Garden, yeah Savage Garden, yeah I would know I want you Yeah Sipping Cherry Cola or whatever Oh yeah Oh yeah That always perked my ears up

I was like I'll take a cola A Savage Guard Right over here You know what Thanks a lot Savage Guard One more day on this earth Cherry Coe Can we get some Jamaraquai for the table?

Thanks But they're going nuts over this house No but wait a second What is this fucking dragon Oh he's a guy He's a dude that's like a cop That is a kind of like an incredible Hulk looking dude He's got a big fin on his head

That kind of looks like a mohawk almost Yeah Sounds cool Is this part of the spawn world? Yes it's all of the image comic thing So you got bit by a radioactive dragon I guess so I never read it

How does one make a dragon Radioactive you think? I don't know You fly it through race Yeah they're working on it They're way ahead of us We're done You guys remember this movie 13 ghosts

Yeah We don't have to talk about it It's not good Shaloo puts the key in the door At this point also Matthew Lillard has run up pretending to be a dude Working for the Electric Department

and he's like Oh your house is making all these other Houses lose the power I got to check the switchboards or whatever Tony Shalub turns this frankly fucking Mario 64 looking keys in this door it powers up the house we see all the lights come on all that stuff oh my god wow oh this is so

normal I love this it's got lights weird but yeah everything is see through whatever and then here's Kathy with a classic line surprised they didn't give this fucking banger to Maggie where she goes I sure hope the bathrooms in the basement oh yeah because they're going to see me man yeah well exactly take

everyone will see you taking a shit you know actually did we get a look at a toilet in this place how about if it was a see-through toilet that's something I think it's a regular toilet yes it's a regular toilet but we don't see I'm not sure if we see that we don't know we've spent a lot of time of the toilet it might be in the corner there yeah yeah oh damn it

oh well uh but yeah so Lillard runs down he's like oh I'm gonna go check the basement or whatever so he goes down and dude fucking get comfortable looking at this basement set and here's the other problem with the way that they made this Look, right? It's like, we're running down these basement halls. It's like how an alien, they just kept filming the same fucking hallway. Like, it just looks. Every corner we turn looks the exact same as the last hallway we were in. And boy, it gets boring. It's the same. But some of the Latin is different. Yeah. Well, that's true. The spells. If not for the Latin, it's the same prison we keep Magneto in. For sure. You should have killed me when you had the judge. Now, let me slide this thing next to maybe I'll let up the hammer goes.

Glass walls, glass chest sets, of course. Hold on, I'm looking for Eric. Oh, okay. No, I guess I'm a little early. Pardon me. I'll be outside. We do get the, he gets, Lillard gets hit by ghost waves, it seems like. Oh, that's, yes.

Ghost turbulence. Part of his power is he says if he's within 500 feet of anything dead, he gets these, like, attacks that he has. And then also the touching of things. Well, what with the 12 ghosts? You shouldn't be able to move in this movie. They're all well within the 500 feet. It's true. Yeah, I hope that I'm remembering that wrong.

I think it's a problem. You're in a basement walking next to these things. You're going to be feeling it every two seconds. We haven't talked about it because in the original movie, you know, Castle had this fun idea about the ghost glasses that you would get. Sure. That would reveal them with the way that it was filled in red and blue or whatever. In this, and I think it's a neat idea, the, like, these special goggles that they wear

shows the ghost to them it's not a bad movie gimmick for a ghost movie but it's not really well it's not great there's a cool moment that they have with it that they never reuse and in fact I think they just should have left

it playing in that bathroom scene with Shannon Elizabeth where the naked ladies there there's a moment where the camera goes into the glasses lens and comes out the other side and then everything you see is the ghost stuff without having to have someone with the glasses on

on and I was like oh that's actually smart because we can see all the macabre shit and it doesn't have to be someone putting the glasses on every single time and then they got rid of it like after that scene and I was like no that's the smart thing to do because there's no tension in this movie no with regard to no one's there glasses on boo something's there because that's the only scare tactic this movie has

and it overplays its hand like five minutes after they get into the house there's nothing scary it's not a scary movie like Matthew Lillard starts explaining it to them about how he used to hunt ghosts with your uncle. Right. And he's trying to convince them that ghosts are real you know, like Demi Moore and Unchained Melody.

Uh-huh. Which is a stupid joke there. Okay. Yeah, it's that oh yeah, that movie. Now I believe you. It's his most Stu Mocker line that he has because it's him making a movie reference. Yeah. But it's also like a weird movie reference. I guess the joke is like that Demi Moore movie

movie, you'd think the movie ghost, but it's Unchained melody, I guess, is the joke. I know, but, like, what is the joke there? I have no idea. He just says the song title during the pottery scene. Oh, I see. Would you like me to explain more things, Faye? You're getting more of it. There is a line that he has.

Oh, man, maybe I'll find it looking at my notes, but there is a moment somewhere in this movie where Lillard does have a line where someone asks him something and he goes, oh, I'm going to have to explain that to you later. And I was like, I bet you will. I know you will. I do. So he goes down to check on the things.

looking for money. That old fart had to Where'd you hide your money old man? Where's the money old man? Come on fucking! He's fucking putting a ghost's head in the toilet. But he puts on the glasses that he realizes oh no, this is where all the ghosts are hidden. And we start seeing these ghosts

and man did these ghosts suck? It's all... It all sucks. It's all very like haunted house like you would see in town kind of ghost shit. Absolutely. When you go to the haunted corn maze or the universal citywalks, hollowing. Night's bullshit.

Spirit Halloween off the rack ghost. Exactly. All just, you know, if they didn't have names like the juggernaut and whatever, it would just be like, lady in the stocks, tortured man in head cage. Trading card goes. Yeah, you just like, here, you'll trade them with your friends. Arrowhead. The hammer.

Arrowhead boy. The hammer. Tom Prince. Hammer sucks. The hammer sucks. And first and foremost, the little thing that in the middle of the house that we talked about a little bit, the weird gear thing that is the portal to hell.

Barry Hellraisery. And this dude, it's the guy with all the real road spikes in his head. He's nailhead. Like, come on. It's very, very true. Pinhead, yeah, for sure. Oh, I have a suit for this. This is a ridiculous. Oh, I'm going to bury you in litigation.

Well, I'll tell you why we didn't just rip off Hellraiser and why that's not just pinhead. You see, if you look at our, our hammer here, you'll understand, if you look at them, right, you take a look. don't you get it he's an incompetent he's just stupid as nails you never but pinhead do you understand as a smart person he's been through hell he understands things he's a manager of sorts

yeah he is do you think this man can manager manage anything look at this he's dumb as shit and they didn't explore within they weren't like living in the box in Hellraiser they didn't happen to Hellraiser bloodlines or whatever the space one and see we're doing it here on earth in summation

please don't sue us anymore there is a moment and it's just an unfortunate placement of costuming I don't think it's intentional but it's either the seizures like one of the ghosts scares him by banging on the glass

and Lillard falls over and he's still in the electric company outfit or whatever jumpsuit thing yeah and he's got like a utility belt around his waist and when he falls over the part of the belt

like sort of flaps over his thigh and when you're looking at this seat and he's laying on the the floor and it just is hanging between it looks like there's this big donkey dick just hanging between Matthew Lillard's legs and I was like what is that oh it's his belt oh that's me the donkey dick man

no man I just pinned it on myself and you Sid are no donkey dick I do I look the ghost just kind of stink and he gets all scared and he like kind of runs up and like the lawyer is about to I don't understand what this contract is that the lawyer is trying to have Tony Shaloobs

says, you must sign the contract. Yeah, I guess it's the 13th ghost. Well, I think it's more just like, performative maybe. Yes, okay. You know. And Shaloobs's like, oh, you know, I can't even afford this house with a tax. It's like, no, no, your uncle's taking care of everything.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't know what, yeah. It's just, maybe this dude was supposed like, it would be cool if this dude was like the devil and it's like, sure. He makes it to the end of the movie and then it's like, aha, but remember Tony Shalub, that little sign we had in the office yeah he should be built up more yeah

and then he could take f murray Abraham with him or what yeah and then he then he slice the boy the the Bobby boy like Bologna you get him right you slice him right now Bobby Bologna um so you know yeah Lillard does the whole like I was fucking capturing ghosts with your uncle

this that and the other thing and he's freaking out you know he owed me a shitload of money and Shaloob sort of touches him on the shoulder and then that causes Matthew Lillard to have the vision of the wife burning in the house fire. And he's, and Shalub keeps trying to comfort him. He's like, please stop

touching me. Yeah. I'm sick of seeing your dead wife, man. Uh, well, the bad line here. It's like, we were catching ghosts. Goats? No ghosts. Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. And because like, we're just here to see some goats.

Goats? Yes, I do want to see goats. Yeah, it's a fucking pet in zoo, right? Where are the goats? Maxie Dean loves goats. Here are the billies You know We got a bunch of them You look around at the billies here

Vera hates goats Oh also Shannon lives with in this bathroom So the bedroom She jumps on the bed It's disgusting whatever She goes into this bathroom Dude she spots

This fucking perfume bottle And she just starts spraying herself I was like Lady You don't know That could be acid You don't know what's going on In this house

That's at least legible Like she might enjoy perfume she goes to this bathtub faucet like she's never like she's wanted for water for days and days she opens up the faucet and just splashes it on her face not what like over and over

it's like 10 times it's crazy the water just keeps coming out and then we got the titty ghost looking at her and like in the titty ghost world it's blood instead of water and I was expecting the last splash to be actually blood That's what the edit tells you

It doesn't happen It doesn't happen It's so dumb And what I actually liked about this moment Was it's kind of cool From the point of like Here's the ghost with the rack out and everything But she's looking at Shannon Elizabeth

And the woman playing this ghost I think actually does a good job in this moment She's looking at her And you sense that the realization is like This sort of bit of envy of like I can't even wash my fucking face And you look this beautiful girls washing her face And I'm just stuck like this

And that sort of like gets her kind of jealous and angry, then the water turns into blood and you're watching this happen and you're like, okay, cool. It's going to boil over and this ghost is like jealousy is going to attack this woman and none of that happens. Somebody's just like, come on, get out of there. Okay, bye. Goodbye. That's the end of that.

Is that a faucet? Is that a faucet? I've heard about those. That's a faucet. See you in 30 minutes moving. Wasn't that mildly tense? We should say also that this little weird machine is opening random ghost cages

and ghosts are getting out one at a Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's, yeah. Titty ghost got out that way. And then Pac-Man has to get in there and start eating pellets. Yeah, exactly. But he asked you the big one to get in there. You got to get him that power pellet. Yes. And then he can chase the ghosts instead of being chased by the ghost. Jackal was turning blue for a little bit there. Yes. Yes. It is. They have a blow up about like, oh, my God, my uncle is such a piece of shit. And then the lawyer is like, I have to leave for a second to get the money from down. downstairs and he's like having fun he's like hey nice tits girl oh sorry about that kid he's like very cavalier about the idea that I'm teasing ghosts because as far as we understand anything like these ghosts

have sort of been in his possession or this collection for months and years of the time so he's like familiar with some of these I guess is the idea like they're co-workers of him I'd rather the lawyer be the main bad in the end absolutely but I will say if that

if that doesn't if that does If that does happen, it cuts out the best part of the movie. It's just him going to cut in half right here. This is a great moment here. The titty ghost distracts him. Yes. But a ghost doesn't kill him. It's the door. He gets stuck in the door. It's Resident Evil.

You cannot live in this house. No. Not if the doors are going to be doing that to you. It's very dangerous. Yeah, we're all over the place. It doesn't matter. But yeah, before the bathroom scene is when the lawyer gets it. He gets cut, but it's cool. Cut and he slides down. It's CG, but the

CG looks good, honestly. It's really not bad. It reminded me of another movie that had one good scene where like Resident Evil with the laser grate. The laser. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, chunks. But the bummer of watching this movie when that guy gets it, you're like, and it's pretty early on, you're like, oh, with the junkyard scene and that guy. But then you start doing the math, you're like, okay, the kid's totally safe.

Shannon Elizabeth's going to be fine. Maybe Tony Shalub, probably the maid. What I mean? How about none of them? Exactly. The fact that all four of them come out the other side of this movie is quite astounding. It is.

So, yeah, so the lawyer's dead. That's pretty sweet. Some of these ghosts are getting out like here and there. And now the big thing, here we go. Here's the big thrust. This is most of the movie. The little boy goes in the basement. They can't find him.

And then it's Shalube, Shannon Elizabeth, Maggie, the nanny, and Matthew Lillard. And it's like, okay, we're going to go down and live. look for him. Matthew Lillard's character and, yeah, Dennis and Maggie go one way, and then Shaloobe and Shannon Elizabeth go the other way, and like, we're just walking around

these hallways that look exactly the same for like, what would you say? This is like a 45-minute sequence being in this basement. And they do nothing. I mean, like, and none of them die and like the ghosts are kind of around if you have your goggles on. If you have the goggles on, we're doing really bad. I found

actually, I rented this on Apple, the audio mix was awful. It was. The music was way too high. And you've got all these like super, I mean, I had the subtitles on, but you've got all these like ghost whispers going on, including when the kid is going down the stairs. And you've got the one voice that's like, come on, Bobby, we're down here. And then there's another voice that's like, Bobby, stay upstairs.

Don't go up. You know, don't go down here, Bobby, which we learn later is the ghost of the mother because she's part of the collection. Ooh. When I'm being warned to stay with them, I smell some smoke. I smell some char. There's something in the air. I don't understand what it is.

Tony Shaloob breaking this chair against the window is pretty funny, though. Because they're trying to get out in the house. We should say once the lawyer took that money, that also kind of activated something. So the house is like lock. It's going in like lockdown mode so they can't get out. And this is like, the door was supposed to be right here. Where's the door? And he just takes this chair and breaks it.

Well, because it's sent a message to its husband, the event horizon ship. And they're going to meet up eventually. So, but they have to do the thing. they have to get the darkness. They have to open the liquid darkness. That's right. Which would hopefully happen at the end of this movie and suck that fucking Bobby kid

right in there. But yeah, this is, Lillard's walking around and he's explaining stuff to Maggie because Maggie, of course, knows nothing of this world. So she is the vessel that receives all of this expository

dumping about like, oh, all the writing on the walls are containment spells and ghosts have to do what the spells say, don't you know? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know if you know

but Maggie doesn't do windows Oh yeah That's another one is it not They're all dirty and stuff Because of the writing Also I feel like the presumption That she's going to stay on Like if this house situation worked out

And they were able to sell all these swords And all that shit And get all this money Like yeah they said it was hours From where they started Like she's gonna commute hours Or I guess she's live in She's live in dude

Even that shitty apartment She was live in for some reason It's more in the middle of nowhere than the mother exclamation point house. It's further out than that shit. I do. It's, it's, look,

there's a moment when Matthew Lillard sees, we keep setting up these ghosts as if they're cool and they're not. No. Like the baseball ghost guy with the baseball badge or the prince. Also, like the idea that. Where's my dark zodiac? We find

out later on that the horn prince. There it is. It's the dark zodiac and they're like types that what you would call it that F. Murray Abraham has to collect in order to like Pokemon practically. Right. Got to catch them all. Oh yes. We've got the the sliced prince and cage head guy and juggernaut sandwich eater. Also fucking charmander is here. But the idea that this kid is a prince. Like I feel like the spell just shouldn't work. It's like, oh no, that wasn't a prince. It was just a kid who played baseball. He was playing baseball and got, you know, he's drunk driving or something. I don't know. That's what it was, right?

there's like on the iMdb trivia apparently in the DVD or something there was character bios of all these ghosts and this torn prince was i guess like a guy in the 50s who died in a car crash you know they always do that's a Stephen king character yeah that guy yes it's a thing where i think they read it on the DVD but it was like uh nowhere in the script ever but it was for the like character design people like the costum or whatever like this is the backstory of all these ghosts so then like you can design how it looks or whatever and i guess the feature is like yeah whoever is reading what these descriptions were and you're seeing maybe like final product sure i guess you did a good enough job bringing this to life but i don't get all that from looking at

no just a teenager with like uh you know no it just looks like a music video i should be turning off and then like the um the what was it the mother and the great big fat child oh yeah the adult baby guy who's played an adult baby in two different movies who's apparently in that character bio that's on the DVD he was like yeah he was their circus freaks he was born in the circus and he shit himself all the time he puked himself all the time still

wears a diaper and he peed himself all the time even wears a ghost diaper he could believe that these are the diapers I forged in life can't even Donald Duck it in the afterlife you'll never dodge the haunted diaper also a really great moment of

hilarity this little kid running around and on this basement with this fucking scooter get knocked on his ass by these ghosts. Oh, it's so funny. He tries to take a corner too hard smashes that scooter into a pole and goes flying, which is awesome. He shouldn't be fucking around at a scooter. That's why he told you to fuck around to that scooter.

Exactly. What did I tell you this morning when I tripped over it and spilled coffee all over my tits? And when Lillard explains the glasses to Maggie's like, oh, I gave one of those to Bobby. For fucking what? He's a baby. And Bobby sees the torso. So, again, you could have had a come play with his Bobby kind of thing. Yeah, why that little kid isn't trying to go to him to go, like, play some, you know, let's go play William Tell.

That's fun. Take the scooter and shove him into one of these little classrooms and leave him be. We'll just see what happened. Yeah, close the door. Maybe you'll take a map. Yeah, maybe it'll be fine. Don't worry. Some of those ghosts are friendly, I'm certain.

Not the jackal who Matthew Lillard says is the Charlie Manson of the ghost. Oh, is he not? So he actually didn't do anything? Exactly. Yeah, he's just this ghost that tells other people to kill ghosts, I guess. And he's got a pretty good acoustic guitar sound going on. Talk to the CIA a few times. And then he just yelled at a bunch of women to get him ragweed.

Another cool, you know, sort of ghostly thing that they drop immediately, which is funny considering, like, the close-ups it gets at the beginning of the movie. but the kid's little radio thing is picking up the ghost and he can hear them through the thing which I think is really rad and then like when he goes missing they find the little tape recorder on the floor

and it's still like doing it and like Tony Shalub does nothing with this he's just kind of like this belong to my son and then that's the last you see it and I was like no it's a cool communication device come on. Yeah no next next scene

I hate this why do stuff and we can explain stuff. The jackal does get out and it does, to Eric's point, cut up Shannon Elizabeth just around the breasts, really going for the breast. Really slashing. Dude, it's going fucking Baraka and Mortal Kombat on this rack.

It's unbelievable. We want to see those honkers but then he gets pulled off or wait, no, she gets pulled away from him. Yes, and is saved by Mbeth Davits who just shows up and is like, she's got these road flares and like, what are they? It's what you use to get the T-Rex to

fucking follow you. That's what it is. It seems like it just distracts the ghost like what the fuck is it holy what the fuck no it's exactly what Eric is saying I think it's literally just distraction it was like a laser pointer with a cat I'm supposed to be the one booing at you not vice versa but you need her to have

some line about like I know this is crazy that I have a road flare lit in the basement but they hate this and she throws it at it she could be you know an exposition dump as well if she's been hunting these things and she could explain it to them you could even do like a I'm sorry out of here by the Catholic Church or whatever nonsense

bullshit you want to put in your movie. Opus Daycare. But then Matthew Lillard's going to come out of nowhere and start kicking her and be like, explain a thing, that's my bit. Don't you steal my bit? But it's great because she's explaining who she is. I'm saving your ass. And like, Tony Shalub's

like kind of really pissy this whole movie. Like he is. He's just in a mood that is like not for this movie. And he's like, well, what the hell I do? I just care about my kids. And then he's like, right shadowed Elizabeth? And she's gone. That is the funniest part because she's literally like there six inches behind them just laying on the floor after the scratch attack. But it's like this is not the movie for that.

Like again, if there's 30 characters that I was getting cool kills, she's just out of the movie. And again, she's the poster, man. She's the fucking poster. I didn't even know she was the post. Right? It's her face. It's like doing the screaming. Yeah. Is that her face? I think so. It could be anyone's face. It could be. I think it is at least supposed to sort of look like her. Gotcha. Which I mean, I remember. Yes. Going into. the theater being like, okay, cool. Shannon Elizabeth. This is her moment. Yeah. You know, because 2001,

I think, was also the same year as that second American Pie. So it was like kind of a big year for her. And I was like, all right, cool. The girl from American Pie is leading this fucking horror movie. Sounds like something I might want to watch eventually. There's a thing that's so funny around here where she's, uh, Kalina this M. Beth David's character. This is the

I'm in the reclamation business, all this nonsense or whatever. I free trap souls. And like, we're not buying it. And we have this give them your glasses moment and I was like, why don't we bring glasses for the whole class so we can stop sharing and everybody could be on the same page with the

location of these ghosts? And plus a bucket of them. Tony Shlup. Yep. Tony Shlub has OCD. He can't be using people as well. Oh, that's Detective Monk. I kind of just that's a show I never watched a fucking episode of, but it was on so long and I saw so many commercials for it that I just kind of assume that Tony Shalub

is just monk. And I was watching this and I was looking a monking around. I never watched it either, but I always saw those advertisements to the point of which I fucking hated him and I hated the show and I never saw him.

It was that in psych back to back and I said no to both of them. Because there was something about the relentless nature with which USA promoted their original program. I know characters are welcome but like this is ridiculous.

My God. Characters insisted on. Yeah, characters shoved down your throat exactly. But Kalina here, which is a mortal combat name. Absolutely. Oh, wins.

Yeah, she explains also she does do an exposition up of a sort of it's a bear it's a borealis device or whatever oh this whole that's an ocularis ocularis this is the arcanum this huge book that she's got yes and uh it's uh it says how to construct the basilou's device there it is yeah machine designed by the devil and get this you guys powered by the dead wow could you imagine such a device and there's the give a shittest if i could I'm sure you care about this. If I could recharge like double A batteries with the dead,

like I go to a graveyard and it's just like, oh shit, it's better. Dude, imagine the fucking ad campaign for the energizer batteries. If they could do that, it's just the little bunnies coming up out of the grave. Yeah, it keeps going and going. That's what it is, right? It's like two people. Maybe it's two like giant pink bunnies and they're like mourning at a cemetery.

And then they just start hearing like the faint beat of the drum. And they're like, no, it couldn't be. it couldn't be and then he crawls out it's like a zombie energizer bunny and it's like energizer now rechargeable batteries powered by the dead you know she's not really dead if we find a way for her to power this clock

in my hallway she's not really dead if we turn her into a renewable energy source there you go thanks grandma I can read again in the dark oh man and then it drains eventually then you just throw grandma in the garbage

oh yeah you got one there Then you go to the Matrix store and get another flesh second. A long, healthy life that light bulb was powered for about a few months. And you get boys to men back out. It's so hard to say goodbye. A lot of ghost attacks around here. Baseball guy gets Lillard. In the big exposition dump about the ocularum, a couple things.

One, the point of this machine is to give you all of the knowledge of all time. And if knowledge is power, he would be the most powerful. man on Earth. What the fuck does that? Explain. How does that work? Like what? Yeah, what is Stephen Hawking the Emperor of Earth? Is he like, does he know the future? Is he going to bet on baseball games? Like,

what are we even talking about? I mean, fucking Albert Einstein taught it a shitty version of an Ivy League school. Knowledge is not power. It never was. But, and the only way to save his children is to become the 13th ghost himself, you understand. That's right. Yeah. And he has to, and ghosts are

act of whatever and like but an act of love is the most powerful act of all it has to be I agree Chris I really agree it's something about like uh you know most most most deaths are one way yes but to die of a broken heart is the only way you die with love or something and I was like you know this original movie is about a lawyer trying to steal like $60,000 for family by duping them into thinking that a house is haunted? Like, what are we doing? That's all that matters. I think in that William Couse movie,

somebody literally does like the Bart Simpson, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But you're right, though, because, like, why are we overcomplicating it to this crazy degree? Like, you got the concept 13 ghosts. You made the ghosts up. Now just let him run around until we escape the house and go,

boy, what a terrifying night. It's just a haunted house movie. And, like, getting this mechanism involved in the gateway to hell. And yeah, very event horizon. Like, it's just too much, ladies and gentlemen, for a haunted house movie. Somewhere around here is where everyone is getting back upstairs and Kalina's leading the way with this book. And this, Maggie goes, who's she? To which Lillard replies, I'll explain her later.

Oh, boy. It's like, man, that sucks. Yeah. You could have just had Maggie say and who the fuck is she and you cut and that's, I mean, it sucks. But it's better than that line. Anything's better than everything. You know, there's a moment here too, because again, this movie's 91 minutes. We're, we're stretching a little bit as far as, like, how much movie is here.

Remember the moment where, like, after all that explanation happens, everything settles down, and there's just multiple shots of empty hallways in this basement. Not a ghost to be found, not a who, nothing. It's just empty hallways. I was like, was this just accidentally left in? This isn't doing anything for the movie. It's also like, there's no, like, you know, obviously like a creaky old house. is Pat for a haunted house

movie. But at least it's got atmosphere. It's kind of scary. Again, like this is all cold and sterile and not scary. Like these always give you nothing. The chilling moment is when she explains Kalina there to Tony Shalub that, that you haven't told him. You got to tell him the truth,

Lillard. That fourth ghost is his a bo-woo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Oh, right. St. Luke's Hospital six months ago, ring a bell. So he's, and it's unclear. Did F. Murray Abraham Start the fire to get the ghost wife?

But it says hospital. So did he show up with a ghost catching device to the hospital? Yes, he did. Pardon me. I'm here to see my nephew's wife. I'm just so sorry. Just bring it over here, guys. I've neglected my nephew for too long.

And I would like to meet his wife. I understand she's in hospice. And 1950s baseball kid, did he capture him in the 1950s? No, no, no, we're going to wherever the ghost may have been spotted. On this very night, he shows up on, you know, prom night or whatever nonsense. Oh, so he just goes to the hospital, finds what he can get, and it's like, oh, shit, my fucking nephew's wife? Yes, I'm visiting my nephew's wife. She was in a terrible house fire, and yes, the doctor said, if we brought some things from home, you know, things that were important to her, items of value that it might help in the recovery.

She loved this gigantic glass box that I'm wheeling in here. don't ask me what it does I'll prove I'm family look I'll throw a scooter in the way and now it's obstructing the path just like at their home yes it does have my name on it but it's hers I gifted it to her it's called her

her cube not the cube her cube so yes Arthur you have to trade your life for your children or also because Mbeth Davids Or not by the way because it doesn't matter but yes the other thing is like you could do this Tony Shalum you can throw yourself into

this machine, kill yourself and the sacrifice freeze your children. Right. Or I've got all this dynamite. We could just blow this shit up. And I was like, well then what? The dynamite. Yeah. The first one. Let's do dynamite. Why sacrifice when dynamite is right there. Oh, fuck, he chose the dynamite shit. It's so stupid. It's so fucking stupid. She, oh, she even says she goes

because Lillard is like, there's got to be another way, man. There's got to be another way. And she goes, I have enough explosives to blow us back to the 15th century. Then why are we considering suicide? I don't get it. Yeah. So, you know, then she explains that he needed the black zodiac to open this portal to hell. Of course he did. That's what all these ghosts are.

That's what he's caught. Firstborn son, the torso, the bound woman. The withered lover, which is Jean, the burnt wife. I think bird wife would be better. She's the withered lover. I feel like, Tony Shloops, like, hey, what are you saying about our marriage? Torn Prince, angry princess, which is the titty ghost. The Pilgrim lady or whatever.

That's the lady in the stocks. the great child looks like Carol Kane actually yeah a little bit yeah great child the dire mother we talked about the hammer and of course the jackal and the juggling that's awesome and the juggernaut

bitch yeah so we're going back into the we're going back into the basement as you can even believe it we got one last flare that we throw down and again we are just with every scene she's in we are trying so desperately

to make Maggie the comic relief oh I'm not going back down there I just got my mails done oh did you congratulations like this lady just does not have the juice and I'm glad she made this movie and was like you know what I hated all of this and I was terrible at it back to music for me thank you the little kid stopped acting too so and good as did Titty Ghost Lady she was like oh this is horrible it was really weird I didn't want to be in this movie

and blah blah blah is that what she said something like that yeah was that goes the topless ghost was she the one on the trivia where they were like oh everybody kept saying that the topless ghost was some porn star and then the porn star had to be like, I wasn't in that fucking movie but then it turned out the porn star was in a 13 ghost parody. Yeah, porno parody, man. I guarantee you the porno parody

is better. It's shorter. It's better. It's better. Yeah, it's more logic. It probably makes more sense. Yep, yep. It definitely makes more sense. Oh, there's a ghost here. Better have sex with it. That's it. Then you're good to go, movie. Yeah, so whatever.

She just does not have the juice. We go down. And now the whole thing is we're carrying a pain of glass, folks. Down this hallway, like we're installing it somewhere. Like, you know, I get it. Right, because it's got the spell on it and they can't pass that containment wall. I'll allow it. It's something. It's a movement.

It's something else besides them being confused in a hallway. Sure. It's not great. I don't get a sharp. You just write the spell on your goddamn shirt. You can't come in here. Fuck, I smudged it. get a tattooed to my chest oh man my fucking pit stains are washing away some of the incantation

no fuck uh yeah so we're going along here they find the lawyer and again it's been like i don't know two and a half minutes since that abysmal i just got my nails done line and then they have maggie going is that half the lawyer he has definitely looked better well she's right it's just it was relentless they keep trying Every minute they're making this lady have a one-liner that drops dead. The acting career ended, but I think Flipmode squad did go on for quite some time. God bless. Yes, they were very successful.

Good. Hammer ghost guy gets out. He starts doing some stuff, growling. That's fun. Oh, yeah, he goes after them. Baseball bat guy gets released. He's sort of like the last one to come out or whatever, and he starts hitting the glass like with his bat.

And dude, this is Matthew Lillard. He's swinging for the fences. Oh, man. Doesn't Jackal get Tony Shalooves back something? He does, yeah. Oh, yeah, he gets a little scratchy, scratchy as well. Kind of funny, actually. The real danger, though, is the juggernaut, of course.

Of course, he's one looking for you. The juggernaut, which is the guy that they wrangled at the beginning of the movie. So he is the ghost velociraptor in this scenario. F. Marie Abraham appears. We have seen him in the hallway. The kid sees him at one point. Doesn't react in any way. doesn't tell anybody because why would you

and then so he comes back he can't he's not in the movie anymore he hasn't been in the movie for 40 minutes I guess he never got out of the basement you're right but yeah he sees him doesn't even like give me like hey I saw you on the real player video or anything but this kid just looks breathes with his mouth open and then we move on so we see him right here again

and uh oh here's the turn Kalina knocks maggie out and you know what I'm sorry just killer you have to yeah this is your big villainous turn have her like push her you do a ghost you could even just stab her I don't do a regular person murder it's okay you can do that as well

you're just knocking somebody out with a book I'm like dude I haven't seen a guy anybody get killed in fucking four hours yeah but I don't know Maggie's the lead in the first ghost a prequel to the 13 ghost that I have written a quarter of and so we're better than anything most

most movies are better than this movie that's true yeah So right here is, I think, the biggest mistake of the movie, Matthew Lillard and Shaloobe are going down the hallway here. And Matthew Lillard just gets got by this juggernaut. And, like, he sacrifices himself, sort of. He's like, I'll get in front of the gas, you stay there. And Shalooleu, save the scooter. Make sure the scooter makes it.

It's insane that with all the focus on the scooter, there's never a moment where the school, like, a ghost goes flying on a scooter. F. Marie Abraham's on the scooter. That would be fun. You need the scooter play to happen here He dies, is it cool, I forget It's kind of cool like he smelt Like he gets smashed by the one guy And then the juggernaut dude picks him up

And bends him in half against a metal Oh, that's kind of a steel beam Yeah, it's not bad It's pretty cool but again He's the most interesting character in the movie The script should have been centered around this character And not the fucking abysmal family angle Either that or just cut his head off

Or do something even more fun with that If you're gonna give me a kill, you know It's Halloween, Halloween 2007 death You just get thrown and bashed against walls. Yeah, and then, yeah, just the pushing in half. I mean, it's a cool effect, but I was like, I now care about no one in this movie. Like, that was the only character I found interesting. And then I paused it and was like, oh, fuck me.

There's like 17 minutes left, you know. Around here is like, after that kill, we get fucking Tony Shalup talking to the burnt wife. I mean, the withered lover. Gene is back for a second. And I feel like whatever, like Tony Shalub kind of gets this right, you know, is. he's got his i miss you i miss you so much like all that stuff he's a good actor you got it's hard but i just don't think this movie needs it or wants no it does and if you're gonna do it and it's like when that setup happened that cheap ass explainer in the title sequence about how this woman died

in this fire yeah i thought okay they didn't cast anyone for this part or whatever have so show me how their life was before the turn maybe yep but i know that would add to the runtime and i would Oh, they were summer days when they were making watermelon salad. Yes, dude. Having a hot dog and a hamburger. Tony Shaloolew's like, are you really? You're putting feta in the watermelon? I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Is that too much feta? Is that mint? Oh, wait, it's actually good. It's actually good. Dude, yeah. It comes to him eating and he's lower. I'm so wrong. Yeah, I love you, honey.

The chalky texture is actually, with the watermelon notes, it plays. It plays. Yeah, oh, hon, could you actually, could you get me a beer while you get back in the house? Thank you. And then she walks in and the house explodes. Oh, only I didn't. want that beer oh god this is my last watermelon salad of my life he's weepily eating it as the fire department puts out his wife we were supposed to share forever the watermelon salad uh yes welcome to your cool new cube-sized glass and steel house

come on in here just a little welcome thing from the management company we got some uh got some uh got some nice sparkling wine here you know some chilled water there and you know just we're a little snack and hungry in a little watermelon salad So the ghosts all start getting summoned To that big room and they just start like vanishing Dude I gotta say the Tune Raider as titty shake When this topless ghost vanishes I was like you didn't need that

Can we just dissolve her out please? And so Kalina's put on like the spell playing or whatever Yeah there's a recording the professor And it's like, oh boy, something, something. She's like, oh, we don't need to use the kids as bait or something. She's like trying to have, is that how she dies? Like, why does F. Maria Abram kill her? Oh, I think probably just because he was going to do it all along anyway.

But there is something where she's like, we don't have to do A because B already happened. And he's like, oh, I don't think so. And then she gets the death that Maggie should have had. Like, just she gets smooshed by two walls coming together, and it's pretty cool. And it's just like, you know, I thought, I thought the twist was she was going to be the 13th ghost or something to set this off, actually. But it's just she just gets killed and nothing happened. Yeah, it'd be cool if he was like, no, my darling, you will be the 13th ghost. Wah ha ha ha, ha, ha.

Exactly. Like, there's, it's always that moment, right? I'm like, you've come with me so far, but now I'm also going to kill you, even though fucking is been pretty great. Goodbye. I will rule the galaxy with my evil nephew. You're evil, right? You could at least be. You're going to learn to love being evil, okay?

No, once I open the ocularis, I'll have all the knowledge. I will never have to go on IMDB again. Oh, no, all the trivia facts, it's poisoning my brain. I'm dying. Let the buses forge! No, no, no, no. Fan films. All the fan films.

Why is a podcast on here? Light starts shooting out of his eyes. It's too much. Better ending, huh? Oh, yeah, dude. He becomes the IMDB and implodes. Light beaming out of his eyes and mouth. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. Oh, I'm loving this shit. Absolutely. Pre-production listings for movies that'll never happen. Oh, fuck. IMDB pro! Agent email structures. Oh, so whatever we, it's this final showdown here.

Bobby and Kathy are stuck in the middle of this floor. All these blades are coming out of us. go back to the movie, kids. I haven't seen you in a while. Totally. When they come up through the floor, they're like, oh, that was a great nap we took in the middle of this movie. I guess because if you want to keep like the Tony, the F. Murray Abraham thing's secret, but like,

it'd be interesting if he, like, when they get caught, he's like, all right, you kids stay in here. And they try to escape and then they encounter one of the ghosts. Something. Yeah, at least like, you know, maybe the M. Beth David's reveal happens and it's like, when my boss

gets here, you're going to blah, blah, blah, and then there we go. If Harry Abraham comes in at some point. Yeah, but they're in the middle of the big spinny part and like that's it. Yeah, big spinning part or whatever. And, you know, the craziest thing here is M. Beth David's character is dead at this point. The movie realized like, oh shit, that exposition dumped

about like this device or whatever was so stupid. And there's no possible way that the audience remembers it from five minutes ago. Yes, oh my God. So then like the audio of that scene plays as a, if it's like a memory or something and it's for no it's it's like not particularly attached to any character's memory it's not like Tony Shalub thinking it

well because it's all so incredibly complicated and convoluted and not tied to anything all this black zodiac shit again exactly if you and they even they go through this black zodiac this is what this one that's why this is and I'm like that's you made this movie wrong you just literally should just have

13 ghosts they're all interesting and spooky in a different way and they're just it's a house party that goes wrong or something simple. Like this movie is kind of like if you were doing a child's maze on a diner placemat and like you got to a dead end instead of being like oh I should like redo it and try another way you just drew a line through the wall and kept trying to find the fucking exit like it's they just powered through those are for children fuck I gotta stop asking the waitress for crayons another place mat sir

please 14 and up it didn't have any cap yeah dude that's pretty mature this is a mature maze Tony Shalub also finds out at this point not only is F. Murray or him there he's not even a ghost because he takes his glasses off and he sees him. He starts doing it like he's he's like counting around the room and he's like all right there's that ghost that one that one but if I'm

the 13th ghost and yeah he looks back at F. Murray and just fucking puts these shades up because he's got all the squibs and blood on him as if he is a ghost and it's like I guess if you paid for it you might as well use it I'm unclear as to I'm not staining a second shirt so I'm keeping the one from

the junkyard and reusing it the night of the big, you know. Got to make sure I fool my neglected nephew. You know, totally. She was like, you son of a bitch, starts punching him in his face. But then F. Murray gets the turn on him and starts calling him a fucking loser. I love that. And

also, and Beth Davis has been like, oh, yeah, and I even made sure your pathetic nephew didn't die. They just think this guy is subhuman scum. Yeah, he says, you are nothing, Arthur. He does sort of like Robert De Niro kicks on him, which is nice. He does, actually, because this is a fight between F. Murray Abraham and Tony

Shalub in a movie. It happened. He was a math teacher. He's not a loser. That's right. Oh, yeah. That doesn't add up. Texas Instruments. But yeah, the F. Mary Abraham line to end all lines in this movie. Congratulations.

You get to become the 13th ghost. He fucking said it. Oh, shit. I'm alone in the theater. Oh, fun. And then, dude, the incantation gets blown up. by Maggie this is what's stupid

you see her just like moving levels on an audio board but what the movie's soundtrack does is acts as if this woman is scratching something because the incantation

gets fucked up and it's like jivvich and I was like what the fuck and then you just look and she's just using volume faders and I was like

post production department that's fucking dumb just had to do it but then so like because the incantation falls down. All the ghosts are not under the control of it anymore, so they all go after Cyrus. They

throw F. Marie Abraham into this machine and listen, fucking Jigsaw will be jealous of this thing. My God, look at that. Holy. Wow, that must have taken you months to put together. Well, if you were chopping up a chicken for like pieces, this is perfect. Yeah.

It's like that thing in that tree house of horror when they're eating the kids and they're loose, yeah. It throws it perfect. You get it two arms, two legs, a breast, two breasts right there, it's perfect. cutting machine it's humongous it's in the center of the house I just throw the chicken at it perfect so you know make this a farm

making a slaughterhouse oh yeah you gotta be careful of putting the slaughterhouse in your horror movie yeah it's true every he does explode kind of like those if you ever have those crash test dummy toys as a kid where the tors it's like every

pops off all the same time yeah that's that's kind of absolutely it is again it's I talked about this on a recent episode it is like that extended mortal combat fatality in the newer games of that lot of fans. I mean, he just fucking goes all over

the place. It's pretty great. But like, I'm sorry, if that happens, all of these people need to be covered in blood. Yes. This was like a hundred and seventy pound fucking blood balloon exploded. Come on, that's got to be good for something. And then Matthew Lillard's like, he's okay with being a ghost. Yeah, he looks very

cool. He's like leaning up against the hallway. Because what we didn't mention was, one of the reasons he looks cool is under his fake electric company, a jumpsuit that he's got on, is this hip like, loungewear attire? He looks like fucking Richard cheese all of a sudden.

Don't understand you would have a blazer on underneath the jumpsuit. And this like maroon silk shirt that's under that? It's ridiculous. It's a lot. But he's like, go into the machine, man. You'll be okay.

You got to save your kids. I'll take care of it or whatever. And I'll tell you what's going on right here. I think we got a little reverse engineering of what the ghosts do in this movie because I'm convinced that that part, Matthew Lewis' dialogue that you were just saying was ADR way later and they were like man

we have no shot of him actually saying this though how can we do it? Oh what if when the ghosts talk to you their mouths don't move because his mouth is not moving when he's fucking doing this and then in the last scene right here like the you know so every the day is saved this and the other thing the mother appears to the

family and they're doing the same thing for her because she's not moving her mouth and she's like it's okay you know you can move on now or whatever the fucking thing that the mother So he jumps into the middle of this contraption. He does, it's like a Super Mario movie. Shaloooom times it perfectly. Dude, the triple jump and you flip right into it.

No one gets hurt by any of this fucking crap. It stops. And then Gene, the withered lover, comes out. And she doesn't move her mouth. But one of the things she says is, I love you guys. Great. Yeah. All you guys.

I feel like that's a little informal. You guys. You guys. I guess because it's like. My team. My big team. I guess I want to include Maggie or something. Like, why is it you guys?

It's your fucking family. Yeah, totally. You guys are rock stars. Why are you yelling like chunk, dude? Hey, you guys. Uh, yeah. Sloth. Oh, Sloth.

Yeah. Chunk is future sloth. Will it be like a looper situation that happens? Goody's too. Dude, he's running around with a little Hawaiian shirt, but he's got that shotgun for some reason. For sure. Uh, yeah, so, yeah, she, the funny thing, too, is like, I guess because, like, the day is saved. She's not like burnt

and in like hospital regalia. That doesn't make a ton of sense. She's just like totally fine looking. Oh, no, that is the funniest detail of the movie. I just remembered it. When F. Marie Abraham is dead. Like the day is saved. This is not the other thing. The shot of all the ghosts walking down the driveway. Like

they're leaving a party going back in the fucking field of dreams. Holy shit. It's like, wow, what a crazy night. This was ghost party. Yeah, what a great monster mash. There goes Dracula and his son. you want a fuck when we get back home yeah a little ghost fucking

they if you listen to it too it is like shuffling along like I was right to ask you dude what's with that diaper it's a fetish oh okay pretty cool see you the next time we're captured into a weird house so you load it up and you eat it right just don't change it don't

oh no it's supposed to be what it's like and then here we go we've made such a to do about this family and the love of this fucking family and the end of this movie is Maggie I'm on the first plane back to Newark. That is it. I've had it with this ghost shit. I quit

cut to black. Dude, what were they thinking? It's the Maggie movie, baby. We love it so much. Honestly, I know Maggie didn't work for you, Andrew. I would take Maggie over anything else in this movie at this point, because at least they were trying to do some comedic release. But she's so bad. So is everyone else. That's the thing. That was test screening stuff. I guarantee. More Maggie. More Maggie.

More Maggie now. This lady was like, fuck, I have to come back for those reshirts we did on 9-11? Oh, crazy. Oh, so, all right. So 914. Good for you. Yeah. Well, I guess I can't get a flight back to Newark for a few days, actually. The airspace is closed. We have to get on Amtrak. There's just fighter jets in the skies for a few months. Oh, shit. Off to Enterprise rent a car for me. Harts, don't it. But that's the end of this movie, man. I just, what a shitty, shitty movie. Go around the horn here for some final thoughts. Eric Siska. It's awful. I mean, you know, it's okay to like a movie i understand this is you know in the theaters so people have to love it

or whatever but it does not work for me on any level it's just it's it's it's annoying it's i think house on haunted hill is probably the better film absolutely yeah it's very similar i don't know i don't know what to say fuck this christ cap i mean haunted yeah house on hill is the remake is better uh also go ship much better this is just like there's just no there's no destination i don't know what is supposed to be happening in this movie at there's every other minute there's something new like oh well this is actually what this is about oh no but this is what this i don't give a shit you've lost me from like the beginning guys i don't need any of this it doesn't look good i like a lot of these uh two of these actors uh you know so

you know i'm sad you know tony sloop i just watched his really good fucking x files episode sucks that he doesn't he's not giving something like that to carry and something like this but whatever this sucks don't watch it ever yeah it's not a fun horror. It's not even, for me anyway, it's not a recommend, it's not a fun Halloween-y kind of watch. You know what I mean? There's so many better haunted house movies or ghost movies

and stuff. I do think ghosts are underplayed in the horror genre. At least at this moment that we're in right now. So like, I just kind of, I like a, I enjoy a ghost. We ghosts are really scary. Like, this is not really scary. This is not, I mean, like, the production design is

cool, but it's not cool is good. Do you know what I mean? Or appropriate for the movie, you know what I mean? You can appreciate something, but it doesn't have to actually, it has to work within the structure of the film. Yeah, and there's also got to be like other, like you can't get a four-star movie on set design alone. Nope, exactly.

And it's just, yeah, and it's way too complicated. There's so many better ways to even, even within the wall you've painted yourself into, the corner you've painted yourself into, there's just better ways to make this movie specifically. Agreed. Yeah, huge not recommend from me. I will say, to give you an idea of like the shoddy

way this movie was put together, like we have said they were doing research literally on September, or reshoots rather, literally on September 11th. This movie released October 26, 2001. Yeah. Okay, so we are fuzzin with this thing right up to the bitter fucking game. And this is back when you had to do film prints

too. Exactly. So really annoying. And I'll just say the William Castle movie is really fun. It's on to be totally free. It's like 82 minutes long. It is a charming little fucker from 1960. That's just, it is just way better than this. There's no two ways around it, folks,

but that is going to do it for our conversation about the remake of 13 ghosts. As always, if you want more, cool. And possibly scary content from us. Head over to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash we ate movies where this month, yes, the We Love Movies episode, also getting into the Halloween spirit

talking all about Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, that's a movie talking about slaughterhouses. Yes. we also are doing an animation damnation on the toxic crusaders that's kind of a spooky cartoon yes tromaville is scary to me uh very scary bleep blossery we'll be talking about say vong law the yes that was a nightmare of an entry you're messing me up fucking them up dude youva the yuvuzon vong the world master it's that was a excruciating podcast to record so check it out it's horrible it's horrifying it's like uh it's like a space orc

it's a space orc it's a space orc uh not so much an orc is the smurls i'm once in a lifetime they're orcesque almost works yeah what's like that we're doing the haunted which was for fox not lifetime technically but it is uh the essentially from the other side countering the last rights from the other side smurls only Smurls only. And Lorraine are there, but just for a little bit. A little bit of window dressing with Ed and Lorraine. Oops, all smurls. Also, we have a singable commentary track.

If you want to watch along a movie with us, this month we are doing Friday the 13th, part two. That's right. That sucker dropped on secret a little while back because we had it done early, so figured why not drop that sucker. But stuff that has yet to come out, by the way. So if you are listening to this on the day, it comes out, which is, of course, October the 21st, tonight, 8 p.m. Eastern on the Patreon for our Craven tier subscribers. We are going live with October's edition of WHM After Dark, our new AMA-style chat show. We will be live answering questions in the chat and in the Patreon post that you,

the Patreon, supporter, will be asking us. So again, if you're listening to this on the day it comes out, we will be live tonight at 8 p.m. Also, next week, the 29th, speaking of new video shows, we are dropping the first of our brand new quarterly horror, contemporary horror breakdown show called Scarety Cats. We're talking all about Barbarian. That was a hell of a lot of fun to record. Oh, yes. Very good movie, too.

Hell yeah. Great, great movie. And so, as always, the show will continue here next Tuesday. We have one more WHM episode in the Sputacular Chamber, and some friends are coming along to help us on the ride, Steve said that. That's right. What's better than four podcasters? How about six?

Hell yeah. We're going to do Lepricon in the hood with Dead Meat's own James and Chelsea. We're super excited to keep this annual tradition going. Dude, it was crazy. Someone pointed out, apparently this will be the fifth year of this tradition. But actually, I think that's wrong, because

didn't we do one of these leprechaun movies on an off time? I think one of them we may have done in like a February or something. So it might be our fourth year of the dead meat tradition. I think they were unavailable one October, so we did it for St. Patrick's Oh, yes. Yes. You're totally right. They've always been on the episode.

We've always done it. We'll not do. If for some reason they can't record it, we'll re-record it. Yeah, we'll swap it out with something else. But the plan for now is, yes, James and Chelsea coming to hang out talking about Leprocon in the Hood next week. Until then, I've been Andrew Jupin. Stephen Staten. Eric Sisker.

Chris Gavin. Take it easy. Thank you.