We Hate Movies - S16 Ep836: Krampus (2015)

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

“There’s a decent setup for a [Michael] Haneke movie here…” - Chris On this week’s episode, the holiday fun continues with a wild conversation all about Krampus! Was the K-man one of the OG internet creepy pastas? Couldn’t this film have a bit more teeth and not have been so beholden to nailing a PG-13? How many beloved Christmas movies is this movie being at once? Well done with the casting here, this flick is stacked with fantastic comedic actors which is a bonus. But, what’s the deal with the gingerbread men having more screen time than Krampus? And what’s with that Twilight Zone ending? PLUS: Cookie Puss holiday desserts for all! Krampus stars Adam Scott, Toni Colette, Allison Tolman, David Koechner, Emjay Anthony, Stefania LaVie Owen, Krista Stadler, and Conchata Ferrell as Aunt Dorothy; directed by Michael Dougherty. This week’s episode is sponsored by Sonos! This holiday season, give the gift of Sonos sound! Discover how easy it is to bring every room to life with incredible sound. Explore Sonos speakers, soundbars, and more at sonos.com. And by Lumi Gummies! Lumi Gummies are available nationwide! Go to LumiGummies.com and use code WHM for 30% off your order. That’s LumiGummies.com code WHM. Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey, y'all, shout out to Sonos for sponsoring this week's episode on Crampus. This holiday season, give the gift of Sonos sound, y'all. We're going to tell you exactly how to do that later in the program. But right now, sit back, relax, and enjoy our episode on Crampus. This week on the program, while you saw this ugly guy on a couple of Hot Topic T-shirts, we're talking Crampus. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska.

Cabinus. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program. As always. That's right. It's December. We're kicking in a high gear. Our holiday programming, of course, and this one, boy, this one's great. This is Crampus from 2015, directed by Michael Doherty. Uh-huh. Andrew. Uh-huh. What? It's okay to like a movie. We say that a lot. This movie was critically acclaimed upon release. Apparently. Apparently. This is, well, this, I really do think, this has, we have to talk about mental illness here for a little bit. About me? 69% on Rotten Tomatoes does not mean confetti in the air, 100%. It's not one battle after another. It's not exactly that.

I know that it feels like that sometimes, but I really don't think. Well, 69% is close enough to 70% of the people reviewing it like that. And then you go to 80% on 85% is that way. So, Eric, is that 69% on like the critic side of it? things are the audience side of things. Critics side of things. Maybe it was 67 or 66% I forget, but it was in the 60s, Chris, and that means Crampus is in the White House, motherfucker. That's true. Oh, dude, my kingdom for President Crampus. Why not? Better teeth.

Definitely fed into whatever was happened in 2016. This definitely preempted it, I think, for sure. Yeah, no, I think this movie comes out, Chris. It like, it set the world off course, I think, is the idea because all of a sudden you see, and not to say that this was the first of these, there were things like, oh, I don't know, Bill Goldberg and Santa's sleigh and so on, but these like, you're combining like holiday horror, which for me, let's keep

it to the slasher's folks. That's my holiday horror predilections here. But like, the Christmas magic combined with horror, this is where I check out entirely. Well, I mean, you had said or said about the Hot Topic T-shirt, Cramppas was kind of all over the early

internet for a while. Big time. You know what I mean? It was the idea of. Oh, was he creepy pasta fucker? It was a real guy though, right? It was the thing that... The real guy. Well, it's like a story. It's a real old shit.

It's an actual myth. Yes. In the early aughts, you'll get like, just people would just be like, crampus. Uh-oh, Crampus is going to get you. You know what I mean? Like, it was an early meme before we were even saying meme kind of a thing. Wow. Cranpus is the real fucking OG of the internet, dude.

He ruled EBO's world. Exactly. Yes, absolutely on that. awful and whatever else. All those, like anything, that's to say, it was nasty. It was a nasty thing around Christmas. And for people who hate Christmas, they really latched on to it, I think. There was a way for them to enjoy Christmas without actually saying that.

But I feel like it's people who like Christmas. I guess what you're saying is they like Christmas, but they want to be cool about it. So they need a scary figure. Yeah, he kills kids and he fucking, I don't know, eats parents or something. Like, we all have a friend. Or something. Or something. I have no idea.

We all have a friend from high school who grew up to do. And maybe we're not in touch with this person. Maybe it's just, I don't let me take the F word out of there. Someone we knew from high school is definitely now an adult who does, we don't do Santa Christmas. We do crap is Christmas. That's definitely happening. Let me tell you exactly what we're talking about here. Michael Doherty had the director of this film.

And I think he's one of the writers that always wanted to do a scary Christmas. movie but the idea did not take form until his friends sent him an e-card featuring the this creature was which and he said according to him love at first sight that's exactly the internet we're talking about when you're sending someone an e-card yes i believe he was also one of the writers or whatever but he's also one of the writer one of the writers of your favorite film x2 he was and he's got like fingerprints and that those newer godzilla movies his other directed one of them he directed Godzilla King of the Monsters which is an okay

one. It's not the one where he's got the bowling glove on. The big one with the analog to this is trick or treat, which is the movie I also don't care for. I just... Uh-oh, you're going to get crucified by the internet. People love that movie and people really like this one. And it's okay. If you like it, it's totally fine.

His bag isn't exactly my bag. I don't know what it is. You know what? I think I was trying to put a finger on it. Cute horror is not my... Like, there's a way to do it. There's, like, in the trick-or-treat guy, the one that's menacing Brian Cox, he's like a cute little guy and he's on all of the t-shirts and bad tattoos.

I was going to ask if that was the one with Brian Cox. And the thing about it is, at least that's like an anthology film. And I remember kind of being okay with some of the segments, the Brian Cox stuff included. But there's that. And then all of the shit in this movie is mostly on the cuter side of horror. It's not crampus. It's gingerbread men is mostly. doing the menacing yeah the gingerbread man suck i that is the one thing i i fucking hate the gingerbread

man what i like about him and what i think is his is the design of the creatures the guy is good like in trick or treat all the the actual like things that are moving around look good and they like i love the jack-in-the-box guy in this i think that he's great you love him it's just like the story i do i think he's great but yeah i mean the story sucks though there's just nothing And I'm sorry, like, I understand, like, you're making a movie that you want to see, like, a wide release. This is indeed a big universal movie, by the way. You wouldn't know it from the 10 years that it's spent kind of just comfortably sitting on Shudder. But this was like a wide release universal movie.

And, you know, so I get it, right? You're sort of working towards getting enough of a certain audience. What I mean is, like, yeah, we're like fake killing kids in this movie and I hate it. Like, you need to, like, you. pull that little fat kid up the chimney and a bunch of blood falls out the other like this is, I'm not saying you have to see, like, see them tortured or there's comical

ways to do it. Sort of like a horror, a more horror tinged like Willie Wonka or something Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of deal. This is toothless and this fucking bullshit Twilight Zone ending you could kiss my Royal Irish ass. It's men in black. It's print men in black.

That's just what it is. That's just what it is. I didn't even think of that, Chris. You're totally right. Now I hate it even more. Killer clowns from out of space is scarier than this movie. Yes, it is. And I mean, also like the, the, what do you know, the, the, the biggest analog to this movie would be gremlins, right? If I had to put like in a blender, it's gremlins and christmas vacation mixed together. Right. Yeah. And you get this bad movie, two movies that are great. And gremlins, like, you always understand

what's going on. And it's, like, the most intense scene is the mother fighting the gremlins in the house. But also like, you know, that old lady eats shit. Jonathan Banks's car flips over And like you're always understanding like You're not watching people die in a saw-esque way But you're like that dude's dead Yeah, that old lady got it And you're just aware of it as opposed to this

Where it's like, why did he fall into the snow? Why did she fall into the snow? Like the character of Beth, the daughter, disappeared. You know, you presume she got got got But I kept waiting like, oh, maybe she'll show up. You know, you don't show me explicitly. I don't think. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like, you expect her to come out of the woods, like, Rambo style at the end of the movie. Like, I've been surviving the whole time. And also, brilliant move, by the way. You have this movie populated with all these dead-eyed, disgusting shit children. And you take the one with the absolute most screen presence and acting ability and bury her in the snow in the first 30 minutes. Excellent move.

Yeah. It's, and I just like, it's this like, I like, I like, you know, I do. So do I. So do I. Oh, enjoy. Happy. Happy holiday. Happy holiday right now. And a Merry Christmas to the president. Sorry. Oh, I was about to say,

dude, shots fired war on Christmas all of a sudden. I know. Got to be careful with that. How dare you, sir. I got to say the words.

The 14 word, no, Merry Christmas. There it is. It's kind of funny. We start with this door buster montage, which felt old at the time,

but then again, 10 years later, Eli Roth did it in Thanksgiving. Dude, and it's better. Well, it's much better. bad. I just say, I hate it as a trope just because it feels like, it feels encapsulated in like

the late 90s, early 2000s. Are people really killing each other for a TV these days? I don't know, maybe they are. Well, I mean, this was like, this was 10 years ago, so who knows. But Thanksgiving was yesterday. It really was. But like the movie Thanksgiving, at least like that Black Friday, uh, you know, trampling scene in that movie, it has everything to do with the movie. This opening thing has nothing to do with this movie so it's like it's presumably a Black Friday sale because when you see this kind of shit in America that's

indicating it's Black Friday and then all of a sudden after your little slow motion scene what so we cut a whole month ahead to the Christmas time like it's just a dumb thing to start your movie with it's all to say we deserve crampus we all deserve crampus to come here and fuck up our

shit that was his thing and I'm I'm also not crazy about this kind of the Lord and turning it into a hot topic thing, as we said. But I'm going to say it, and I think all you guys are going to agree, if it ever were to happen, if Robert Eggers decides I'm doing myself a crampus movie, we're all sitting down, and we're going to all be excited about it. Because we know it's a movie that's going to take chances and have a spy.

Exactly. It's also going to be clear as to what it's saying and what it's doing, which I think is, again, this movie's biggest problem, because it's like, not only is of the PG-13 of it all, but it's also, which is a huge problem, but it's also just like, so wait what you get into that thing of just like so what is crampus even doing what did he do in the quote unquote old country yeah what how did this kid bring crampus forth like what are the rules of any of this there aren't any rules this is just goofy hillbilly folklore garbage you know it's like we we ran out of the tank with our american hellbillies we had to borrow from old europe and it's just like you could go through there's tons of these there's one there's there's a blackface tradition with Black Pete, one of Santa's helpers. Like, what are we even doing in Europe?

Why do we need to bring this here? No, thank you. Speaking of no thank you, what is going on with we're having a Christmas pageant inside this huge like Walmart department store at the beginning? Strange. Never saw a thing like it in my life. But I guess it's like, they were like,

well, shit, we got to introduce this fucking family somehow. No, I fear the walkie talkies go off. Michael, yeah, no, we lost. Yeah, no, we lost the auditorium at the, high school yeah no uh we're gonna lose days and a lot of money on that let's just combine the scenes yeah exactly got a walmart we do have a walmart it's this connection where it's like okay here's this black friday thing but i guess once you get to the back to the store it's like christmas time in the back where they're having this pageant and this kid's getting in a fucking fight like here oh

so here we go so let's count all the ways in which this is other christmas movies right so the kid getting in a fight uh with someone at the like pageant that's kind of that's home alone's territory that's Kevin McAllister getting pissed off about Buzz and he knocks all the kids off so there's one ding that well that's also this is also a little kind of at the mall

it's a little Christmas story-esque right you know what I mean like all that sure but like it's not what doesn't make sense to me is that usually they don't discuss what exactly are they like is this a 6 a.m. and you're having this pageant and you're just opening the

doors and here comes the rush Or was, again, is it like a special thing later in the day that you didn't open at all that day and just were like, we're having a sale, it starts at like noon or something and then it makes a little bit more sense? Is the school involved possibly? Like, is there a teacher there? I mean, if the school was involved, I'd hope they clear everyone out. A guy just fell off a ladder. This is not safe. Yeah, it's this very long montage of everyone like fighting during the holidays and then it blends into Michael fighting.

this kid, which we find out later is because the kid was like saying Santa Claus doesn't list to younger kids and Michael's like a weird Christmas kid. Like Max. The director is Michael. He's also a weird Christmas kid. A weird, like a weirdo like

I believe in Santa Claus until when you're too old. Forties. Yeah. I mean that's the thing right. It's like I got nothing with wrong with kids believing in Santa. I did. It was great. And it just comes a time. Like I think I was you know maybe in like fourth great third, fourth grade, something like that. The hyper religious kid in school at the lunch table spoiled it for

everybody. Like not the ideal way. My parents hoped it would happen. But I think part of them was like, well, at least we didn't have to break the news. So like that's fine. But again, like fourth grade, you know, you're like eight, nine, something like that. This kid's like at least 12. You can't be believing in Santa when you're when you're when you're about to be a teenager. So betrayed when someone at school told me about this, this, this Santa Claus fakedness. There was a lie that the fact that like someone I hated at the school was given me the truth and my parents were concealing this web of lies, this like ongoing thing, movies and media trying to trick you throughout your entire existence and suddenly your earth is shattered by some shithead named Joey. And I was going to say, this is the origin of Eric Siska hating Christmas and hating maybe everything it would seem. I'd never believe the word out of my parents' mouth after.

that, though. I'll tell you what, if, Eric, if you ever get Christmas caroled, the ghost of Christmas past will take you to that moment. You'll be like, fucking Joey. Look, there he is. There's fucking Joey. Yeah. No, you can't beat him up. Stop. Stop. Can't beat him up. Stop. This is where your love of Christmas died. My ghost arms are going through him, trying to punch him, Chris. And I know it would have, it would have been the mid to late 80s when that happened, but in my brain, or even the early 90s, but in my brain when I'm watching this, it's the 60s for some. reason. The guy is bringing you back. This kid's got like Coke bottle glasses.

Exactly. I think it's the Christmas episode of It Welcome to Darius. Exactly. That's kind of what I'm expecting. Then I march home and say, ma, pa, what do you mean? The bazooka Joe came from you and not St. Nicholas.

I mean, they do, I mean, Max does, there's a bit, like, you kind of wish you was a little bit more up front with this whole thing of like, I do it because he's like you shouldn't ruin it for the kids he knows it Max knows that Santa Claus is not real he likes the tradition of it clearly and he likes all the stuff that goes with it but he's like you don't ruin it for the kid

like the little kids do the little Eric Siskas of the world deserve to fucking enjoy Santa Claus for a little while before you fucking shove it in their face I am a Max defender I think he's a fine child I will say also speaking of things to defend the cast of this movie is fantastic Adam Scott is the dad, Tom, who I really enjoy. And I would like to say a slumming at Tony Colette, but this is also, you know,

this hereditary Tony Colette, which you love, a velvet goldmine, Tony Collette. Love that too. But you also got Mafia Mama, Tony, Tony Collette. You know what I mean? You got to look out. Oh, she has driveways to be paved. Mafia Mama is, you got to get this.

Tony Collette loves slumming. I think she really just enjoys, she doesn't like not working also. I think she just likes, like, keeping it. up. Like, if there's something, oh, there's a little TV roll, I'm going to take that, you know? She doesn't stop. Like, Mafia mom should have proved that because my God, that fucking movie.

Oh, is it not good? I haven't seen it, Chris. It's not. I, it's not. I was watching this. I was like, damn, I wish I could be watching Mafia Mama. She also, in 2017, she was in Triple X the return of Xander Cage. You know what I mean? So she's

not, yeah, exactly. She loves it. She loves it. She loves it. gutter. She loves that shit. She loves the gutter. She gets down in the muck. It's cool. She's a fantastic actress, but she's the mom. She's the classic uptight mom here. And Adam Scott, as best

as he can, is kind of a luth dad, but not really, because they don't give him enough to do. Like, him... No, not at all. She's like, oh, you're taking calls, business calls during Christmas. And he's like, yeah, babe, I do. And then, like, that never happens again or matters. It's like, it's the most

like baseline life time Christmas movie crap of like I thought you said no working on Christmas and he's like I said no business trips on Christmas but I have calls I have to take hello only call I'll take in the movie it is so undercooked it's like he's written as person person enters the room and then he you know like the mother is his mother is German and Max is the one speaking German to her the whole time yeah I'll tell you he's got no character what he no there's one thing he is and it only really clicks in when Keck uh David Kekner gets there. It is, he is Democrat dad. Yes. That is what he is. He is the Democrat dad to David's Republican dad and Gun Dad. I'm Gunnard.

Hello. Yes. Yeah, there's some line about like when there's like a big sack of presents that's dropped off, I guess by crampus or whatever. Yeah. And they're taking it inside and he's like, oh, why is it all the rich people always get the free stuff? And she's like, it's probably a Democrat thing.

And I was like, yeah, there it is. For what and for who? Exactly. Also, just to paint that whole picture of that scene, my God, that's a D.HL delivery driver. And oh, these packages too. Oh, no, those are probably from the boys in Brown. Yes. Yeah, that's a UPS driver's, by the way. Ship boys?

The ship boys can buy it? Oh, man. Drop it off Christmas presents. Oh, dude. Every present is a different type of. of shit inside of it dog shit, cat shit. It's a box of shit again. Could you believe it?

Another box of shit. Speaking of shit, by the way, there is a legitimate laugh here for this daughter who's not allowed to be in the movie much longer where Tony Collette, the announcement is made that the relatives are coming and she's all, the girls all pissed off about it and she's like

the last time the cousins slept here, I had to share my bed. I found shit in my bed, mom. Human shit. which was very funny. That elicited a legit laugh. Big laugh for me, yeah. Hey gang, today's episode is brought to you in part by Sonos.

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sound. Discover how easy it is to bring every room to life with incredible sound. Explore Sonos speakers, soundbars, and more at Sonos.com. That's sonos.com. Well, that's the thing, too. You're right about Chris, about Democrat. There's a big blue state, red state thing going on in this movie, but there's also like, they don't have a find a way to, because I think the idea of the movie at the end of it is like, oh, we're all working. working together and like we're all a big family it doesn't matter what you blah blah blah right we're all related sort of yeah but you need more specificity in your characters like tony colette is like mildly uptight but like it's basically good family v bad family like you know what i mean like oh yeah

but it's you know you're right about the democrat like the red state and then it's that all that whole thing is going on but it takes place nowhere they don't tell you anything about this place or where it's taking place besides the the fact that you know there's a snowstorm and they're like all these like all the stuff starts happening it's like oh maybe bears and it's like we don't have bears and it's where we live and it's just like you're having this giant snow storm yeah where do you live there's got to be bears close i mean maybe a bear don't live in the neighborhood but with this kind of snow there's a bear somewhere yeah or if there's a drought they'll come down and eat garbage even in new jersey i think it's just supposed to be the suburbs quote unquote

like that's you're america suburbs america american suburbs yeah for a quick second when they showed the exterior of the house, I thought it was the home alone house, and I was like, that's too far. But that did not happen. It's also weird, we kind of glanced over it, but like, so Adam Scott's mother, she's the grandmother. We don't know if she lives with them or if she's also just there for the holiday. Oh, no, she's living with them, dude. Yeah, she's definitely living with them. Of course, yeah, that's what Omis do.

I mean, I had an Omi and she lived with us. Of course, I also had an OMA who lived with us, too. Oh, me and OMA. Yeah, well, because OMA, I think it's more the traditional like grandma for German boys and girls and Omi we were like she's junior

she's OMA Jr. I see What was like the relation ranking? Were they both your direct grandmother? One my I lived with my great-grandmother and my grandmother and my parents growing up. Got it got got it. So the OMA was the great

and then the regular degular was Omi but also from this both from the same side of the family by the I'm just curious. They were, they were, so one birth, the other one. Mother daughter is what you can go for. Like a Russian nesting bill. Just wait, wait, wait, I'm taking notes. Thank you.

But, you know, I guess people say, oh, me in general. I guess it's a sweeter affectation, sort of like a mommy type of thing. Because otherwise you sound like you're on the golden girls. Oh, ma. So she is there. You don't get much about Adam Scott's relationship to this woman who just speaks exclusively German like it would be like you know ma we've said only American in the house you know what I mean or something something that gives you an idea of only only only American dude that's something

Dave Kekner's character would be sad exactly you can't tell only American god damn it yeah you can't tell an omis and omas they speak broken English at best what's uh what's the step omi situation oh that's what's okay dude another legitimate laugh around here just to get it out of the way because they're few and far between when tony collette like it's the human shit scene still she looks at the picture that they got taken at the store it's like the family christmas photo and it's like the teen daughter and the santa's like checking her out the photograph yes santa's sexual desires on full display he's leering at this child totally you gotta be careful

at those fucking balls ladies and gentlemen where they get these guys and where they're coming from I don't know OTPs, bars, bowling alleys you're gonna trust your kid with any lap of some random guy I don't think so everybody talks about idiocry is a documentary and all that shit

no no no no no bat Santa is a documentary it's true we all know what he does and what he can get into but I mean Tony Colette's funny in this she's a very gifted comedic and like a real double threat comedic and dramatic actress when she needs to be funny she can be funny

you know what she does too here I don't know if this was her first horror movie I was trying to look through her filmography to do a little John Travolta blowout she's got a good scream she does it's a good scream like I was watching this movie and I was like hot damn like I'm

completely uninvested in this movie it's fucking terrible but look at that that is a real awesome horror movie scream on Tony Collette. I guess, but I don't believe she screams in it, but you would count six cents as a horror movie. She's in that. Oh, of course. Yeah, no screaming in that, though.

No screaming in that. She's screaming in, uh, what's that Ari Aster movie? Hereditary. That's after this, right? Right. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it's quite a bit. Yeah.

Maybe the year after, I think. Also, she's also hanging in that movie. She's hanging in this one, hanging in hereditary. I don't know if Ari was like, Oh, shit, you're right. It's like, I like those gabs just dangling from the ceiling. I don't know. Maybe that could work in my movie too. I got to go back to that movie

man, because I saw it one time at an Alamo draft house where I think the waitstack were playing, let's see which server can fucking drop more forks on the fucking floor and the experience was completely ruined for me. But people say it's a good movie, I guess. I really like that movie. I have not seen it at all. I was going to see it, but then I

talked to you guys and you told me the whole thing, so I didn't, I've still never seen it. You should have gotten so drunk that night that you forgot about what the spoilers now I've sort of forgot there you go yeah that's good I also think

I think Allison Tolman's really good I love Allison Tolman Oh I really love her what is she from I couldn't Place her Fargo Fargo the first season of Fargo Okay so I've yeah maybe seen her She's been inside movie Yeah and then she's also like doing bad

TV now like she's in like A lot of like TV comedies and so on And so forth it's also like So basically they're coming over and Eric, I'm going to steal your joke. Uh-oh, my fat in-laws are coming because literally that's the joke. It's like everybody. Fat relatives are coming.

My fat relatives are coming. And like that's what the joke is. That's all they do. That's all they care about. Like there's one kid. The boy just doesn't talk. He's just fat. Like that's his entire character is fat. They are coming. These characters are driving directly from a fucking Christmas

vacation cosplay weekend. Yes. Like that's just what this is. And I can't believe this was allowed to get through. Even, I mean, shit, you just said that fat kid doesn't say anything? That's the one kid in one of the movies in the vacation movies just doesn't speak and that's like the thing. Like, I could

not believe this shit. Because they've got like a big old motor home kind of a deal. No, it's a Humvee, dude. That's how you don't get sued. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's the same kind of like, he's rolling up in a big ass dumb specialty vehicle. It's the same thing. Oh, you mean Lucinda?

Lucinda. Yeah, and they got a big, stinky messy dog oh yeah dude all you're missing is fucking adam scott buying a bunch of chow chow for it at the store and david kekner's a little too old for allison toleman let's just be there i checked it it's a 20 year age difference oh yikes no one's mentioning that like but that's not unheard of what are you going to bring that up at christmas you don't want to be rude no but i think it's just sort of like yeah it's just like weird movie semiotics like ah she'd be with david kekner anyway like you know what i mean or something i guess i think

there there is a line i think steve to your point there that i think they were like uh oh like you can't just meet whoever is in high school and get married shotgun wedding so they yeah shotgun wedding so that's they're trying to act like they're the same age so yeah points to you and that i think part of it is like because david kekner always kind of plays like slightly stupid childish baby men yeah that they're like oh he can play 20 years younger because he just walks around talking like a fucking you know college student moron or something you know dumbass all the time Was she, I'm trying to think, Alice told me, was she Martin Freeman's wife there in that first season?

No, she's the deputy that is like running everybody. She's the one that kind of pieces it all together kind of a thing. Oh, yeah, okay, okay. She is good in this, yeah. I saw her in the street, beautiful woman. I'll take that one day. Do you take a picture? Do you save her for crampist?

I did not. No, that's. Follow her home. Even the arrival of this part of the family, is heralded in the same way more or less it is in Christmas vacation. Everyone's home. You hear a big rattling noise

and everyone in the house like they cut to everyone like uh oh, uh oh oh and then there they are. And it gets to a point where it's like this goes from like being a nice tribute to maybe one of your favorite holiday comedies into just like you're lifting minutes on end

from a movie from fucking 20 years ago or whatever. They come in one by one like it's like oh here's the presents. You could do this. The dog is a big deal. Oh, no, you brought your dog. I remember that from the Christmas vacation. Absolutely. Yep. Oh, and the one kid's just mad because the Steelers lost. So I guess there's a little indication at least this part of the family, maybe

from Western PA. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I mean, just clear all this out. Get Conchata in here. Let's fucking clear out all the bullshit. I'm sorry. She is the highlight of this movie for me. I love her in this. Do you find her exhausting, Steve? That's sounds out that's, I've never been a fan of hers, you know, like the whole three and a half men scenario. Well, nobody's perfect. You mean two and a half men or? Two and a half men. You mean an ocean of money. Yes. I don't blame her from the end of the show, but like it is, her deliveries

always feel very sitcomy to me. Oh, yeah, of course. That's fair. That's fair. And this, I mean, she is just kind of like the, what's his name, Uncle Stewart? The, uh, come on, gris. I'm smoking cigars. Uncle Lewis. It is sort of just that, right? An old person who's unwelcomed and is constantly saying stuff that riles everybody up, you know? It is kind of great. Alison Tolman's like, hi, I have a surprise. Please don't be mad at me. It's just this very funny like... I like when she's like she tricked me. I was going to the house to drop off presents and she opened the door of the suitcase in her hand. Their scenes, Alison Tolman and Tony Clutt are the best of the movie, I think. For me anyway. The ladies, the ladies are great. I think all the ladies in

are great. It's honestly I haven't even thought about this way but the men's plots are just fucking nothing. It's just like, I like guns. I like nothing. Ah, let's get stuff. You were a Boy Scout growing up so you're a fucking pussy. Yeah, the biggest problem is

the script. I mean, it looks good. It moves okay. I feel like the script, the those effects you pointed out earlier, Chris, with the clown and the jack and the box or whatever the fuck. It looks good. it's just there's no story here

the stuff with all the like the sisters and the relation to Conchata's Aunt Doris' Dolores character or whatever it kind of gets me thinking now maybe I'd like this movie better if you removed all the crampas shit from it and it was just like a regular degular like Christmas

or you know romantic drama or comedy or whatever because there's a fun nice little scene when like about the Christmas angel you know what I mean oh you took mom's angel like oh you know and there's like some you know, pathos there for four seconds in the movie and it never really amounts to

anything. But like, again, they have good chemistry. So yeah, I do like, I think it, is it, Adam Scott was like, aren't you missing a kid? And they're like, oh, right, we left the baby. And that, this is a very funny line. We left the baby in the car. You go, go get it kind of thing, which is very funny to me. Yes.

There's a decent setup for a Hennike movie here where Scott and Colette fucking kill them all and like have to go to trial for killing them all and actually it off. See, that'd be more interesting to me if there was a, someone was pretending to be crampus perhaps. It just gets a little too high in its own magical supply. You don't like that stuff. You're just not your, that's just not your bag usually. I definitely don't want it in my

Christmas horror movie. That's what I realized today watching this movie for the first and only time. So speaking of scenes in Christmas vacation, we got a big silly dinner scene right here. Got to get this out of the way. We're all eaten. The fat kids read. Max's letter to Santa to make fun of them. Oh, I was going to say it starts with the, I'll call him main fat kid, the mute one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just chugging like surge or Mountain Dew out of a two-liter bottle at the table. That's how you just know, like this movie has no respect for these characters at all.

This family has zero fucking dignity. Purvis, that was your surge for Christmas. You didn't, you're not supposed to be opening up your dang presents yet. You drank your toy. That's it. You drank your toy. How dare you? Drank your toy, classic.

I mean, that kind of soda is a little much at the dinner table for such an important day. I'll say that. Chris, correct me if I'm wrong here. Is Purvis the name that give the baby in Adam's family values? Oh, I don't know. Isn't Pervis, isn't that the name of the boy from Bad Santa? Oh, maybe it is. That's another movie I saw one time.

Oh, I love Bad Santa. The kid burps, and then David Kekner said, That's my boy. He's going to be the greatest lineman this state's ever seen. Because I'm just feeding him a bunch of shit and soda to get him nice and fucking fat so he can be a lineman. I was like, that's not how that works, dude. Like, you don't, you don't make a big fat kid and then just tell him to go play football. You need, like, the actual muscle and body size under there.

It's so dumb, so dumb. But, yes, little Max, we should say. has written a letter to Santa Claus. The grandmother is like, no, you should send it. You know what I mean? Like, he's feeling down about himself. He puts it his pocket. He means to send it.

And then the two nieces pick it up and they read it out. Embarrass him. Real quick, Chris, a kid and bad Santa was Thurman. And Adam's family value baby was pubert. Yes, I just found it. Is that right? Yeah. Hubert.

In the movie played by baby. twin girls. Oh, there you go. But yes, pubert Adams, yes. The thing is, so these kids, they're cousins, you know, you tease your cousin, whatever. Once this little girl starts reading this, uh, this fucking Santa letter and this kid is like near tears. Adam Scott, you just got to get up and grab that letter. Donnie Colette can grab the letter and be like, we're not doing this tonight, blah, blah, blah. What the fuck? Yeah, it's like there's no adults here. I mean, even, how about Kekner. How about you fucking parent your own children a little bit? Exactly.

But as an uncle or as an aunt, you could grab a letter and be like, hey, not in my house or whatever. The tricky thing about this is that like what we end up doing is like it's kind of a both sides thing, right? Where eventually Adam Scott is into guns and knows how to do guns and kind of like respects the fact that like I have to protect my family bullshit. Whereas fucking Kekner, it's like the thing he does to be the other guy is.

be a parent. Like, and I'm like, that doesn't really work. He should be a parent anyway. That shouldn't be the thing. And like, that's, like, he's like, okay, so maybe you shouldn't be, okay, maybe you don't take a gun to bed. Maybe you don't do that. And that's like, oh, he's softening up a little bit.

Isn't that nice? But this little girl is just like, so please help mommy and she is teasing this kid at the table, humiliating him in front of his family and no one's doing shit. I got to tell you, my skin was crawling during this moment because this shit would not fly at a jupin family holiday and you would be fucking silenced right quick you would be silenced right quick this fucking it's not

even a it's not a lack of parenting it's a darts of parenting there's no parenting to be found here this is awful i mean it erupts into a full on brawl and then like what tony colette's walking in who wants creme brulee and we're still this is still going on the right that's the other family is just vile because they're just openly making fun of the food at the table which is like you know maybe you go to somebody else's house you're not crazy about what they're serving or whatever

but like you're just like oh man this fucking grab lash sucks and then like oh well it can't all be windies I'm sorry yeah yeah exactly not we can't have a fucking whopper for Christmas I'm sorry Tony Klett even kind of does that she can't have macaroni and she's at hot dogs and she's right and she's right this is the thing this is the thing and that's oh my god like I I really do.

I love Christmas so much. But what I fucking despise is, and I really only, I couldn't put it into words when I was a kid, but now I can't, it's just like families. And mine did this too.

Like you get in that rut of like, every year is the same. God damn thing. And you just get ground down to this point where like you don't want to do it anymore, but you're doing it because you've always done it and fucking me mom. Pee Pee Pod did it before you

and they're fucking immigrant. parents before them did it and like it just drives you crazy like people have to be open to changing it up at Christmas this fucking Aunt Dorothy here she goes who doesn't make it a ham at Christmas what are you a Jew she says

she sure does good God and you've got to be like okay and I think at some point Tony Cleck comes back at her like back at the kitchen because she's like kind of sassy she's like why wouldn't waddle out of my trailer and yell at your house or whatever the fuck she says

I wouldn't go to your trailer and insult the whatever we're eating there. Yeah, it's, I was kind of like, fuck yeah, dude, give it to her Tony Gillette. Come on. Yes. But again, like, if we're trying to do this thing where everybody's a little wrong, make everybody a little wrong. Make the, you know what I mean? Like, pull back the ugliness from the right wing family and add up the uglyness.

Maybe Tony Colette's having an affair or something or, you know what I mean? Adam's always on his phone, not looking. Well, that's Steve, now we're talking, okay? if this movie was about Tony Colette having an affair Oh she's like Oh no I forgot the Glaze

I have to go out And get the ham glaze And then it just cuts And she's getting Stubbed like that The great cut It's not a good movie But a great cut

In American Beauty When it cuts to a net bedding Just getting railed by Is Peter Gallagher in that movie? Yes You just cut to Tony Colette Her fucking legs are up in the air I had to go get the ham glaze

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That stands for We Hate Movies. Then at least it's like, oh, crampus is coming to punch. punish this evil, this awful family because everyone has indiscretions or something, you know. And let me just say, if I'm at someone's house for Christmas and they're making creme brulee for dessert, I am shutting the fuck up and eating the delicious cremele. Look at this fucking pig people. Thinking outside the box, I like that. You get no cookie push for Christmas?

Come on, where with the cookie push? You're supposed to go to store, go get cooked push for Christmas. It's just all wrong. This cookie push is dry. supposed to be soft and wet. This thing has got to have a lot of milk in it. You understand? Hold on.

Why is there a cookie push in a small glass that's yellow? You got to crack it with a spout. That's creme brulee. Well, I call all desserts cookie pushers. You understand? Every dessert I have is a cookie push. I'll have a chocolate cookie push, a vanilla cookie pus. All I know is when I go down to the cavill and they get me a cookie pus any time during

the month of December, I'm getting a goddamn Santa hat put on it. And I don't think this cookie. a creme brulee as you call it has a goddamn santa hat on it you're uh fudgy the whale do you have a yeah oh it's a lovely sushi restaurant i'm at here do you have them cooking push those small green cookie pushes that are cold pardon me you take a ball of them there small cookie pushes you flash fry it so wait just let me ask this question let me ask this question here A popsicle, Cuckapus.

Card of ice cream. Cuccupus. Clondack Bar, Cucupus. Wedding cake. Heath Bar Cone. We paid $400 for that wedding cookie push. My goodness, they took us for that wedding cookie push.

Oh, my God. That three-tiered wedding cookie push, my goodness gracious. Of course, an ice cream sandwich is a cookie push. Why wouldn't it be? Why would you leave an ice cream sandwich out of cooking? Pushing. It was so great last Thanksgiving when we had that pumpkin cookie Puss and the apple cookie

Puss. You baked those cookie Pusses so well. Oh my God. But yeah this big blowup makes her drop all of her creme brulees that she worked so hard on. So she's very upset and like it is very, this is very home alone as well

if we're not checking mark. It's like you have you're not you're you know what I mean? You can't watch Charlie Brown. You can't do whatever, all the stuff that you want to do for Christmas, you know. I also just, grounded kind of a deal. I also just don't like, like, even if you were making fun of it, like, the joke is just that they are the pig family because, like, Conchata comes out for one moment to be like, well, like Tony Clef blows up about something when it's just them too.

And she's like, oh, look, I was over doing it. And of course, Tony Clay immediately snaps at her. And like, that is supposed to be like, look, they were going, they were trying to come to the table and I'm like, no, that's the one moment. You've got to do more. You have to have more human in these pumens. Unless we're doing a full on, like,

a full on, like, we are punishing these characters and then they're all awful. You know what I mean? You have to go somewhere. Why not? Yeah. Bring in the Henneke. Then you just do it. Just go fucking full in. This kid is so upset by the whole thing. He tears up his letter. After he has a Kevin McAllister,

I hate all of you freak out moment. Yes, he does. And runs up the stand. of his big ass house. He's right. These people suck. That's the attitude of the film, for sure. That's absolutely the attitude. If Cranpus is coming and annihilating families that fight at Christmas and or where a kid

blows up and says, fuck you, I don't want to talk to you ever again. Crampice is a pretty fucking busy, man. I don't know how many. Yeah. The entirety of at least North America is a traitor. You know what I mean? I mean, I mean, Peter, Peter, look, I'm going to need, no, I know, I'm going to need another bag.

There's too many bodies. I just, I've been going to all these guys. There's so many kid bodies and I know it's magical and it's bottomless. I hit the bottom. I'm already there. I'm not even out of New Jersey yet. Maybe Crampus is real and he's just like the guy at the bus stop that yells at you or something. Oh, that could be.

You know? By the way, Peter, I know it's, we're, we're these like, uh, ageless talk. timeless beings anchored to holidays for whatever reason. But I got to tell you, man, it's 2025. The whole blackface thing, that's got to stop. You can find it. We'll find your new Christmas gimmick next year, but this is embarrassing, Peter. Man, it was one poster, and it was like back in the fucking 30s, man.

Come on. No, apparently, and I feel, I think this is more, maybe it's Dutch or something. They would actually do the people would dress up as this character. Oh, they absolutely did. I read that after 2020, uh, they scaled it back. Smart move. Wow.

2020. There's also... As of this date in 2020, thanks to the world-wide pandemic, yeah, we're going to take back a scale back

as a black face under Black Peter a little bit. Just slightly. There's also La Bafana, the Christmas witch. That's an Italian deal. How about Dominic the Christmas donkey?

Is this other lady riding the donkey did? La Bafana, I don't believe so she comes on epiphany how about a movie a movie about an Italian Christmas in the Bronx

where the donkey comes and kills everyone well is Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey in the public domain yet so we can get one of those loser ass harm movies where that happens

maybe no Dominic the dog is eating people here's a million dollars to make your piece of shit idea a reality but the letter and again very home aloneish blows into the wind

and like something magical happens and then the next morning it's like and this is I will say give points for this the atmosphere of the blizzard is pretty cool you know what I mean it's a it's like a fucking all-encompassing nightmare blizzard it's very like the mist almost in that way

it's like supernatural from the jump like and you get it you know what I mean and like oh there's a weird snowman outside and like the power is out like this is a real deal no fool and blizzard you know absolutely and you see you know these dark skies appear over their house first and then like all the power around them goes out and then like their house is the last

to shut off here and then we cut to my god i can't believe no one was sued over this movie we have multiple to tell you the timeline that this is movie is on right we have multiple cuts to someone opening an advent calendar and here we go it's now December the 23rd thank you for stealing that from christmas vacation have another idea it's okay to have another idea really i know that It's cool to think about your movie. I wonder, like, because I do wonder, like, who had the idea. Because I think Mike Dordy is a pretty creative guy. And I feel like this is one of those things, like a producer's like,

well, everybody knows, Christmas, man. I think, my brother. Don't you, you don't, are you telling me you don't love Christmas vacation? You hate Christmas vacation, don't you? It just feels rushed. Like, they had the idea. Let's get it to market before other people. Go, go, go.

The e-card isn't going to sell itself, Eric. so Beth is like hey mom this storm's pretty bad and I tried to Skype with my boyfriend and he didn't pick up so can I walk down the street to his house to check on him and she's like okay one hour you have to do that and we get to see her like walking down the neighborhood and yeah like this is very creepy she's noticing like all the houses are dark and they're all like covered with this insane ice like this is not from the storm clearly this is like paranormal weather. part of the movie and just seeing like the crampus jump house to house and stuff hey he's in the movie here he'll go away for 80 minutes in about a second he's doing stuff he's doing stuff isn't that nice to see him doing stuff and then uh what in like what 55 minutes we're gonna see him unable to close his mouth like for fucking 15 minutes i thought the puppet was broken man i was like why is his jaw so slack apparently that's a mask that the crampus is where I was reading on the internet.

Hell, that's cool. Because it's like, oh, and it hides the crampus's true face. Because, like, there is a shot when you, like, look, his eye looks super weird and, like, goat-like underneath, I guess. But it's, but I agree. I don't know that from anything. I don't see, I don't know that that's a mask. Why would you make the mask look like the face of a, like, what I think the crampus looks like. Right.

I mean, lean in to, like, like, a carnival mask or, like, make it explicitly a mask if it's, like, supposed to be a man. Or you love stealing from beloved horror properties give him a fucking goalie mask and put him out there. Oh, now we're talking. That old man face. He looks like the Santa from Rare Exports. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Another one of these, like it's better. It's way. Like better. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's still, yeah. It's not great. No, thank you. It wasn't my favorite. So, yeah, it is. And yes, fucking crampis and a cramp. There will be.

crampus is in your crampus movie at some point No shit Well the funny thing is dude This is kind of like a Jurassic Park scene This motherfucker jumps off the roof And is like stalking her And she kind of like hides under this

The DHL track that she finds And the dude's like dead inside or whatever And you see a lot of like Cranpus hoof feet going on right here As he stalks her And then you see like it's the You just sort of see the jack of the box Is about to get her

Which I don't even mind this first kill being obscured And whatever The first one, exactly. You don't know what the paranormal thing is right away. I'm cool with this one because she's screaming and that fucking van is a rocking. It don't come in a ocean. Something's going to happen. And then back, you know, we cut back to the house and like everybody's just sort of like,

where is Beth? You know, what's going on? It's just so much like, I don't know. Like, yeah, I don't need to see her torn to shreds. But again, like, I was under the impression I'm watching a horror movie. And I'm not saying everything needs to be hostile part three. But like, you have the van shaking. she's screaming and then everything stops

when there's just a pop and like a spray of blood in the snow. It comes from under the car. That's a very gremlins-esque kind of kill. Your pop thing is like even just sound design could make these kills feel bigger and better. You don't even have to show it. Right, exactly.

We get this one shot. It's actually this kind of nice moment between Tom and Sarah, Adam Scott, and Tony Klett's characters, where again, we are sort of hinting at some sort of marital discord where she's, He's like, I miss us. He's like, me too.

And I'm like, was somebody stepping out? Is this just purely his vague workaholic idea for this character, you know? Yeah, because if it's like, I'm done with Marco, that would be kind of a cool line. You know what I mean? Exactly. Yeah. Oh, Marco moved to Florida last week. Whatever.

Or Marco. I'm sorry for Marco. He's avoiding the crampus. I'm like, I can't be dealing with this fucking grandpa is. He's not fucking Tony Colette anymore. That sucks. Yeah, it's a tough... It sucks for him.

So, oh, I would like to visit that mafia mama. I would have a favor for the mafia mama. This is it. This is the new crampus type of thing. It's like, you know, the song like Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Maybe it's like a magical sexual force named Marco that visits your mom on Christmas. Oh, Christmas, Marco. I'm sure there's an Italian movie called Just That.

I'm sure it exists. I haven't done my research here, but I'm pretty sure. Yeah, the pleasures of Marco. to whatever, 1971. Yep. So they're like, okay, it's been way beyond an hour

and Beth isn't back yet. You know, and it looks like fucking hawth outside. I got some fucking... Yeah. Totally. Totally. Hamit, hamlet, hamlet.

You need a tauntan to get through this mess. Or perhaps Lucinda could lend a hand. Well, she'll be storming the beaches in Normandy by Sunday if I pointed her east. Oh. If Adam Scott opened the door to this Humvee and he's like, oh, I thought it smelled bad on the outside.

No, what happens is they get stuck out in the snow, dude, and he has to cut open Dave Kekner and sleep inside him. That'd be amazing. Oh, Adam Scott could definitely fit inside. Oh, yeah. Oh, of course. Cozy. He could be like a little like Wato kind of situation. Oh, yeah, we should turduck and the whole family in there.

Or not Wato. Who am I thinking of? Quato. Quato. there it is. You idiot. No, it's Quato, you fucking moron. Two stars on the podcast app review. Fucking idiot.

But the funny thing is, by the time this episode airs, I definitely will remember that because last week in the time of this airing is when we had our 15th anniversary ago. So yeah, Omi's like, hey, it's too dangerous. Don't go out there. They do not listen to this old German lady. This is the only time Adam Scott speaks a little German right here. He says something

to her unsubtitled. This lady, by the way, I didn't look her up. looks like an elderly sherry o' terry she's actually an austrian actress which i appreciate oh that's cool great face on her i actually like the part this part here because she is doing like keeping the fire up uh and like it's very like after watching the crampus jump from roof to roof you're like oh this is kind of you know atmospheric here we're doing a little something you know a little something yeah you also get the notion like the fire keeps the evil spirits at bay don't let yeah don't let the fire go down

she says but so we go out here looking for the kid and of course yeah we got this Howard character Dave Keckner global warm in my ass yeah they find the DHL DHL truck it's been

the glass has been punched in not out or whatever and I'm like what does that even they don't know they don't explore it at all it's like something something charged the windshield and broke through it yeah it's because they thought that somebody was like breaking out of the thing, but it must have been

Crampus breaking into the front of the windshield. To kill the D.HL guy? What do he do on Christmas? Great question. He just kills everybody. Oh, we also get a little line here, a little little home aloneish because I think someone's like, oh, what about the neighbors? Oh, all the the Ridgefields are in Florida. The McGinties are in Hawaii.

Because everybody just goes away on Christmas. I guess, yes. But the cartwrights are here, but they won't talk to us after Max's noodle incident. Which is a Calvin and Hobbs joke, I remember. Is that right? Yeah. There's multiple Calvin and Hobbs comic strips where the noodle incident is. But they never tell you, you know, what it is in Calvin and Hobbs.

Sure. I'd like to think Calvin was flashing the neighbors and it was his little fucking his noodle. That proved, this movie proves, you don't need AI. This is just a hodgepodge stew of everything else. And a human made it. Right, yes. So we're back in the house.

And yeah, we have the scene that Sarah notices or the other, the sister notices, Sarah's got the angel topper there. And it's just important to remember now because that angel topper turns into the monster from poltergeist at the end of the movie, basically. Or no, I think it's a different angel topper that is, it's unclear. I thought it was a crampus brought his own angel topper and it's evil. Oh, B-Y-O-O-A-T. Oh, okay. That's the one up in the attic has to be different because, and I also like, like, again, I like the look of this thing. It moves correctly.

It's good. No, it's super cool. All the monster stuff is super cool. Not the ginger stuff, though. Specifically, not the dangerous. Because those dudes are CGI. Yes. And they're so minion-esque. No, no, no, no. They make the fucking, they are, we were talking about in the chat. They are the ones who make the fucking gremlin noises. Yes. And that made me fucking lose it. I was losing my mind when they're like, they get the fat kid, and they're chaining them up, and they're like,

the dark elves also make those noises. Because of course there's elves in this movie. I like the elves better, because at least there's a little weird little dudes. By the way, the voices of these gingerbread men, which we'll talk about in a moment. FW. Please.

Seth Green. Oh, someone known as Brean Burns. And let me just adjust my shirt collar and say Justin Royland real quick. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't heard that name outside of a court document at some time. Oh, he's the Rick and Morty guy that got in hot soup? Yeah, he did, yes. Yes, indeed.

But yes, but why, you're just doing a, I guess it's like, oh, these are my buddies and we're all funny. But I'm sorry, lumpy, dumpy and clumpy. We don't name these fuckers and I couldn't tell you which one is it. I, man, no way. They're trying to be a T-shirt, that's for sure. God damn, you know, this fucking movie, I'd rather walk down to the gas station and huff, huff it, Huff that gas. That's what I wanted to be watching.

At least. Cool scene here, Adam Scott and Dave Kekner go inside the boyfriend's house. And I do like this idea of like once Crampus has like fucked you over or whatever. Like the inside of your house

is all Arctic. It's totally frozen. It looks like the Bond Villains Hotel from Die Another Day. This was all pretty cool, all the set design stuff here. And, but like, you see a cool little thing.

I guess it's like remnants of a fight that the boyfriend's family may be put up because there's a gingerbread man and he's like Halloween knife stuck to the door kind of a deal. Yeah. The fireplace.

Kind of deranged person would do that. The fireplace is destroyed and oh, must have been a gas leak or something. Oh yeah. Kekner thinks it's a gas leak and then he's like, oh, I've hunted all sorts of wild game all over this globe. I know

hoof prints when I see him. They both have guns now. a character's got a huge god-killer shotgun and Adam Scott it's got a fucking dirty hairy revolver deal yeah sorry I'm not on the gun

IMDB I know I know you guys are mad that I'm not telling you exactly the exact serial number of these weapons we're just telling you what they look like from other movies you know what I mean yeah oh those hooves it could be an elk or a goat

what kind of goat walks on its hind legs you get it folks you remember you remember from Bible camp not a good thing not a good thing when a goat's walking on its hind legs because it's either an agent of the devil or it's playing a pan flute near you either it's dangerous stuff

other black Peter oh yes right the goat they go outside Kekner is attacked in the snow and this is jaws we're doing jaws which is fine it's jaws with like tremors also not for nothing you know is this supposed to be the the

jack in the box what is under the snow that's getting we never find out that good idea to ask but we don't know your guess is as good as ours dude never get that one it really sucks because there's so dumb and also there's so many like the amount of helpers that fucking

crampus has a it's far too many you know what I mean like it just it makes it obvious it rigs the game to his favor to a level that is just sort of like not even exciting in my when they're all in the house the elves show up I'm like All right.

No, exactly. Like, once they're all in the house at the end of the movie, it's kind of like when, like, the big house party gets so overcrowded at the end of weird science and, like, the fucking post-apocalyptic bikers show up and all that stuff. I was like, everybody get out of this house. You got too many helpers here, Cranpus. Exactly. It's just too much.

It's called Cranpus. I don't need to see Cranpus's Flying Circus come in here. Like, just focus on your guy. Yes. If it was Crampice's flying circus, that'd be great. If I could see Crampus more and see him doing stuff, that would be fantastic. But is Crampus flying circus and I just keep on seeing the fucking circus? And right, Grampus should be coming out as the MC to introduce all these acts from the circus.

Thank you. Yes. Yeah, Kekner gets bit here by something. He's, it's really, it's fucking like, dumber Forrest Gump. He's like, something's biting me. So I met the crampus again. I was waiting. to meet the crampas and I drank

15 holiday flavored Dr. Pepper's while I waited. I tried to give him a Dr. Pepper, but his poor jaws just always open, so it just dribbled out. It just coming on over the floor. What's that, John Lennon? No

religion? Only evil Christmas, too? So they're like, all right, like Tom saves him right here. Adam Scott saves him. and the creature swerves away because he's firing the gun at him and they're like, let's get out of here. And this is you see this Humvee has been totally destroyed

and it is a really funny Dave Kector. Lucinda! You named your Humvee Lucinda. I'm going to just stop a tweet. I guess the idea is you're supposed to guess that the monster is the jack-in-the-box because that's the bitey one. But again, at some point that thing needs to pop out of the snow

like a tremor and show me that. Well, that's the thing. thing. Okay. So when Beth gets it, that's what happens is the box comes out. We see the box and you see the beginning of the jack and the box come out. But to me

that movement it takes, we see this thing when it actually has to open up and do things. Yes. It's slow as hell. It's a good thing. It's a good thing that they do that. But like this fast thing, it's something else. It's a tentacle or something. It's got to be something.

It's so bizarre. Yeah. So they get back in the house. It's like, now we know that something evil is afoot here. Something, something. And we got to board up the windows and whatever. And it's like, oh, you didn't find Beth. And it's like, well, my brother-in-law got bit by an anonymous monster

or some shit. So we had to come back here because he was bleeding and everything. Around here we have a nice bit with the Aunt Dorothy, conchetta there, uh, putting like, what is it, like vodka in her hot chocolate? Pepperman schnops. Pepperman snaps. And then she starts

giving it to all the kids. Hey, honestly, you want to quiet them down. It's pretty great. She says to them, she's like, now don't rat me out.

She starts giving these kids fucking booze. Also, this is a totally, it's a shot that made me sort of like prick up and pay attention a little bit. I was like, oh, that could be cool.

Like when Conchata's doing that with some of the kids, you see Ome in the kitchen and she's like observing all of these butcher knives and you're like, oh, she's like planning something well that I guess was from

draft B and we filmed draft G see that's like a plot red herring where you think there might be a plot brewing and there isn't but yeah it's like so whatever like all the adults realize that oh evil shit's going up we're trying to keep

from the kids with the kids here anyway so now we're all scared we board up the windows and David Kekner supposed to be watching David Kekner's like well Adam Schott I thought you or just a lip-tard, blah, blah, he doesn't even say that, but you, I thought you were, yeah, spineless dick.

And I like you. And I, I get, Kekner's doing his best year. I love Kekner. Oh, yeah. No will will. The adult cast is fantastic in this movie, but there's not, not much to do. And it's just sort of like, I'll take the first shift. And, of course, he falls immediately asleep. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what.

First thing here, when you're the guy who's taken the first watch and everyone else is going to fall asleep around you, pay attention to the people let them like not off and whatever but as soon as these people fall asleep dude you have to go around and put out these candles you are just asking for this house to burn down

yep again that leading into the Henneke movie that I would prefer I would go I just gonna believe it we're all sleeping and there's these candles candles not even once that's gonna be my new thing I'm gonna go to like high schools

like dare and be like you smell smell this. Yeah, it's Yankee candles to get you fucking addicted. We used to. That's why it smells like Christmas. Uh, candles are something that used to be nice in this house, but now that you have a kitten that just may never happen ever again. Who knows? It's so funny. I actually have

a candle going in this room right now, but the doors closed, the cats are out. Yeah. I, I, I broke my one rule. Already. Is there anything these little guys won't knock over that you enjoy? Nothing I, nothing I can't trust. I'm not with this fucking son of a bitch.

Dude, you got to always watch out for them. Also, just, Eric, if the rule had led you to this, what use was the rule? Exactly. Oh, man. So the fire goes out and you can tell like the house

is sort of left vulnerable here. And it just starts with our little grambling noises. And then this big fucking tow truck hook comes down the chimney here. And we got little gingerbread man on it. And dude, it's like, You've just hypnotized this fat kid to come take a bite out of you, man.

He's like, it's like a, it's like a mermaids singing sailors into the rocks with this. And this is one of Eric's plot red herrings where I'm like, oh, this is cool. So everybody is going to get a death or a something that is fitted to their character. You know what I mean? Like, oh, Crampus knows what everybody wants. So, like, fat kid he wants food. Maybe Tony Colette's got to get Marco or something. You know, in a better movie.

Yes. That would make more sense. Like he summons the gingerbread because this kid's, you know, this kid likes to eat. And then, you know, he could summon perhaps Marco for Tony Collette. Yeah, a tricker. A Marco ghost. A big old bottle of booze for and, uh, and Doris there or Dorothy, whatever. Absolutely.

It was Dave Kekner gets just a huge shotgun and he's like, oh, I love guns so much. Come over here, a little shotgun. He's like sucking on it and whatever. And then like, oh shit. Oh, no. It's crampess and he gets killed. Allison Tolman's attempted with any attention whatsoever. That'd be great.

Her mother's love. Yeah, that'd be fantastic. Oh, look at this. I'm tempted with a husband who doesn't sweat on the toilet. Now we have this long scene of the kids being pulled up the chimney. Tony Collette, everyone's, you know, she's going up with them. Everyone's pulling them down. Oh, what do you know?

A candle must have been on because the Christmas tree's on fire now. Oh, yeah. A log falls out of the fireplace and rolls or whatever. Boy, a big fire in your living room in a Christmas movie, huh? I wonder where they fucking drummed up that idea. So the kids,

the kids gone. I guess they control the fire. Adam's got us to say Max, get the fire extinguisher. And then suddenly we got Ome telling the story of claymation of crampuses' origins. And her life anyway. Just leave this for the DVD.

Dude, also. you know what i don't care for this either but if you're going to do this you know what old lady say it was the war mentioned exactly that's the problem right there is the fucking problem it's that they don't have any detail like they're not saying like this is when it was this firm stuff like there were these people here like and like what happened to your parents don't just be like oh and then my parents fucking got it and i don't get to see that shit cramp has showed up because your dad was marching in the street too fucking much maybe Maybe she's too young for WW2, but I don't know.

Like, you know what I mean? The actress was born in August in 1942 in Vienna. So it's like right around there. Germany year zero kid running around the rubble with Werner Herzog and the rest of the one thing is like, again, a better Christmas movie, Gremlins, what happens there? And most movies need to do this better. It's just like, just let your actress act. Like if it was just a monologue of like

You know in the old country what happened to me And it just the camera moves in The fire is going And she just tells a creepy story about crampus That's perfect That's fine And you know what the best example And it's a recent one

Fucking Lupita Nyango In us Yes When she fucking tells the story of what happened What when they separated Like yep And she just does the whole thing You just trust your fucking actor

To tell the thing And, like, I'm sorry, but this, we have to blame this on better fucking directors. This is fucking Kill Bill. God damn hellboy. Like, all those movies had these things. And, like, it just became a craze. And this now is in so many movies, this little kind of shit. And it drives me insane because there's no detail like this.

There's no detail. You got it in Ghostbusters Frozen Empire. Pat and Oswald does this for sure. I would say at least the Kill Bill thing to kind of defy. defend it. At least it's like also it's an animation style and a film style that's still rooted in the world you're telling

the story in. It makes sense. To be clear, I don't dislike those. I like those. It's just that they became this thing that has to be in the... So many movies do this. It's a cheap out because you get to like just like ship off fucking 10 minutes of your movie to somebody

else. Like oh now Ardman animation is here. Great. Now we're watching box trolls. Fantastic. Hey, Pats, the runtime we had we got to we got to 95 wouldn't you believe it that's the funny thing too is like on its own i don't like i think the animation is actually pretty impressive it's just like it's so not for this kind of movie it's a perfect reflection of the movie because it's the technical stuff about it pretty good overall pretty good then the actual detail of the story is nothing fucking gives you shit

it's and she just the story is you know that the war was on and everybody was the whole country had gone you know sour and hungry and yada yada and I was I believed in Santa Claus but then like I just wished for my family to disappear which is not what

Michael really kind of sort of max kind of does it's just not like the specifics of how crampus chooses a family and why he chooses a family is not well he's choosing as she says everything was like okay

because they at least had Christmas and everybody still believed in Christmas and the miracle of Christmas and she's like our village had given up on that miracle and she's like she's basically like well and eventually my shitty family gave up and then so did I so it's all just rooted

back to believing in the magic of Christmas and the second you lose that footing I guess here comes this big goat hoof motherfucker to wipe you off the face of the earth or whatever and also we are told she's

like the last, like Cranpus leaves her behind to like, so you can fucking tell the next village that I'm real bitch or whatever. I mean what the hell and wiped them off the face earth he puts them in snow globes that live underground like I do. We'll get there but my

good like what? It just screams I had no idea how to end my movie. It's like oh Wishmaster was on TV last night. Men in Black, too, or Men in Black was the first one is how that ends. So maybe the move is, if you're trying to commit a genocide, you know, you start with a genocide, get everybody

really sad and hopeless. And then Crampus will finish it off because like, why hasn't anyone celebrating Christmas? It's like, well, everybody's being ethically cleansed. Cranpus. Problem. No, no. Yeah. Come on, Crampus. You know this is bullshit.

Crampus, crack a newspaper, man. Seriously, open your fucking eye. Why didn't you, you didn't visit any of the Nazis? Well, they believe in Christmas. They love that shit. They think it's fantastic. Omi's telling her story. They did.

They love it. They were, well, they were actually, yes. They celebrated. They got all toys for their kids. The Nazis were quite good on Christmas. Also, I mean, that is a thing, right. I'm sorry, this is a bit of a case of some irresponsible storytelling. because you cannot have this woman

set where she is as a child and kind of not say what side the family was on here. Sure, it would be great to know. I guess if they're all like miserable and shit, they weren't involved. But I mean, the whole country was fucking destroyed. Everyone's a loser in this scenario.

So that's what we're doing here. But so like that's the story of Crampus and he left me alive to yes, tell everybody else he's coming or something. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld. And I was like, cool? I'd love to see that and not stop motion form.

The crampus winks at her when she, what he wants out. Oh, dude, just like that mall Santa, you know what I mean? Yes, and Marco as well. I don't need you to lift, drag me to hell wholesale. I just need you to have an idea here. But he also gives her this bell, a little crampus bell that she gets. Oh, right. As an example to remind them of what happens when Zikrariq.

Christmas spirit dies. I would sell that on antiques road show. It's probably worth some. Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. Oh, this was, uh, see, it was actually made in 1973. If you turn it over, there's a little copyright thing here. And if you unscrew it, you see,

yep, brandy. To that point, you know, David, uh, Cook. Keckner. Kekner says, uh, senile horseshit evil Santa. Jesus, age, almighty. She'll probably be ranting about a rabbit Easter bunny.

come spring. And that's fun. And he's like, all these twisted fairy tales or whatever, twisted Christmas stories. I'm like, welcome to the movie you sadly are in, my friend. Yeah, seriously, dude, I was speaking to open up a newspaper Kakner, I don't know what to tell you here, dude. This is the lot we've been dealt.

This is kind of what it almost and I almost want this movie too when like Adam Scott hatches this zombie movie plan of like let's get to the, because they had come across, it's a DHS truck and there is a snowplow. A snowplow is like, if we get to the snow plow, we can get to the mall.

And Tony Kloat's like, oh, the mall is an evacuation center for, for hurricanes. So they might have stuff there. There might be people there. We need to find people. I'm like, this is a movement for the movie. Yes. Let's do it. Let's get out of the house.

Let's take it seriously. Let's go step by step, get out of the house and have crampus or whatever chase them while they're trying to survive. It would have been more interesting than the, oh, the toys are alive. in that house. Yeah, I mean, this, because I, like, I was never, I guess I could, I can't say that I was checked out because I never checked in. Like, from the jump, I was like, this movie is, is not for me. But when they start formulating this plan, which very good catch, Steve, this is just a zombie movie. And it's very funny. We're trying to make our way to a mall. I was like, oh, okay,

we're going to get out the house, get on the road, have a little adventure here. Now we're talking. Yes. And like, Kekner goes out and he's like, oh, no, Snowman. then like something starts roaring and they pull them back in the house and I was like we're never leaving this fucking house I know no I know it would cost money but just imagine the image of like the crampus on the front of the snowplow trying to like grab the windshield like high speed chase in a snowstorm it would have been something and like we're using the things in the mall to get crampus like there's always an artillery store in the mall oh always dude you will always find guns and ammo at the mall here what imports this

Ball's got everything. Do you have the new Miss Piggy doll? No, I mean, what you don't want to do, what they refuse to do, and would have been better, and it would have gotten crampus turned crampus into a character. The same way, like Eggers did with Nosferatu. Nassvaratu is a very

particular character, and you make him dreadful. Like, there's these shots and these buildups where you actually make him scary. And, like, he just doesn't want to do any work like that. He likes the comedy of it too much. Do you want Crampus to sexually menace Tony Colette like he does

Lily Rose Depp in that film? Is that what you're talking about? It's an idea. Do you see Crampus's fake dick? Sorry. To Chris's point, I mean, that, you know, not scratchy, there's like tension and atmosphere that you do not get in this movie. And you see him like going for it. Like that atmosphere, it starts off. Like we talked about

with like the fog and whatever and it's just, Steve, I think you hit the nail on the head or Chris, one of you, like, he just gets too wrapped up in the comedy of it all. Yeah. And And the comedy in a, like, here's a problem. You got comedy, you got horror, and you got a holiday movie. So it's not your normal, like, horror comedy, because you also have to deal with the holiday aspect of it. So you have this, like, trifecta that you're trying to, like, be equal to.

But, like, the comedy in this situation, when you got Christmas and you got horror also going on, the comedy is the thing that's got to go to the background. It's the least important in this situation. And it's also sort of the easiest to do, like, because I think sometimes, like, the line, so basically they get split up, right? everybody but Kekner stays goes upstairs to investigate what's going on up there. I think actually Allison Tolman's like kind of crazy at this point. I got to rewrap the presents for the kids.

Oh, right. She's doing that kind of thing. And it's like no, we're, we got to go. And then uh oh, here comes all the crazy stuff. There is a, uh, the Christmas angel we talk about. She's she looks like a bride of Chucky with the weird tongue thing. Yeah, good call. Definitely a bride of Chucky, uh, situation. Evil teddy bear. the jack-in-the-box is really the star of the show

but yes yeah it's all these things oh the kids the two girls go upstairs to go to the bathroom because Aunt Dorothy clogged the crapper we're told oh man shitter's full also too yeah toilet joke

in a creepy thing it's like oh Beth is calling to them from the attic like what does that mean you know like yes oh that's right you hear like this help help help and I was like oh wait shit scary part coming in this movie? Oh, that could be something. Cranpish could show up like Freddie and have like the souls of, oh, like your sisters in the snow globe and it's scary or whatever. Explain what that is at all. Because when you see they go upstairs, it's probably

the best shot in the movie. This fucking jack in the box has like little kid feet in its mouth. And it's like eating like a boa constrictor. And I'm like, yeah, that's pretty cool. But at the same time, it's true. It's true. But it's just I see two pairs of Timberlins go down the shoot and that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. We get a battle bot. There's like a little robot that's after someone here. Battlebot's a bit too much, I would say. Once that's too far. It's just because there's, well, there's the battlebot. There's the teddy bear. Like I was like, oh man, now it's just like Christmas toys are coming alive. Dude, how about let's be realistic here. Have a N64 cartridge try to kill someone, you know? And here's the hell yeah, dude. I have never watched a puppet

master movie and I won't until I'm paid to do so for this show. So don't fucking trick me into watching a puppet master movie. It's interesting to say that because I, as someone who's seen all the puppet master movies. It is not a fun ride. The best one

is the first one and like that's not good at all. Look guys, I watched all the puppet master movies. They let you keep the part of the brain they take out of your head every look i don't like that you kicked me out after i was trying to be nice and tell you about that i thought that was a nice little story i was telling like get out of here you fucking brain dead freak watching all your come on do we did you watch the one that was like the hyper nazi one

oh the s craigsaller one yes of course i did what we talk about here scroggs aller wrote it oh he did drag to cost puppet crete yes oh and that one is rough yikes man it's crazy to think about how successful puppet master was i think it was a straight to video franchise it was all those fucking movies and then demonic toys like people were people were making competitors to puppet master because back then you could just make a real good d tv series and you were okay you can make your payments on your house you could go to fucking vacation that'd be like that but no no anymore that's what like 99% of that i think it's like full moon or full moon entertainment

did all that shit because weren't they also who's the little tiny guy Doll man? Doll man yes there also there is a crossover movie Dollman versus demonic

the demonic toys but that's funny because it's just that you were saying it was like a ripoff but I'm pretty sure it's just the same company aren't they all full moon entertainment

who the hell knows I don't know oh shit Amanda needs braces I guess I got to make puppet master four now get me my typewriter we're going to write puppet master four because Amanda needs braces

we did the Nazi one last time do we got a Maoist that can write we got anybody oh fuck dude the puppet master's cultural revolution look out yes all right here we go we're getting ready we get the type ready ready all right it's puppet master colon

Soviet empire let's do it all right but yeah but meanwhile so puppet master's going on upstairs fucking minion horse shit and I mean I guess if I was if I was Michael Doherty I would be upset with this

with that new Ghostbuster movie because these little they act a lot like those stupid little what do you call it their marshmallow man a little bit I mean it's all wait wait yeah isn't wasn't Doherty involved with that

am I crazy no I don't believe so he was okay while Steve looks that up I got an idea for your title for your puppet master movie there no you're right Steve he wasn't puppet master colon made in China oh no yeah we're talking toys were made. The factory. The red doll.

Yeah. Dude, and then it's the crossover. They battle. It's the Chinese dolls versus the made in Taiwan puppets. Oh, no. I hope we're a few years away from that one happening. That one. But yes, David Kekner

is fighting the gingerbread man and they've got a nail gun and they're mischievous and you just can see the t-shirts being printed as we see. You think he's going to get killed by one of these in the last second because he's out of ammunition, but the dog eats it. This dog, who at one point earlier in the film,

they definitely sent on a fucking suicide run. Or maybe it's after this, where it's like they put the dog in the vent, very diehard style, by the way, but we're too cheap to actually like film a dog in a vent. So it's just going in the one thing. And then it's like a big fight that happens and you hear the dog like yelping.

And then I think this is where the jack-in-the-box thing like falls through the fucking ceiling for some reason. Yes. that's right yeah and like it's all everything's kind of hitting the fan here and you're like okay that's sort of something there's a weird thing where they're like oh like adam scott's like oh we're making the monsters panic now or something i was like based on what and again where the fuck is crampus i don't know where is he question yeah he's filling i don't know his sleigh up with gas or something maybe maybe he's you know maybe i it looked easy but maybe he has to prepare

stuff to open the gate to hell. Maybe I have to do some work. I would like to see ritual stuff. I would like to see a dark ceremony involving beasts. Doing something. That's it. That's all I'm asking for is him to do something. Think about that. You got like the suit. You got like the at least

like you got hands or crampus. You don't have to focus on him the whole time. You could show him like get potions out. Like rocks. Runes. You know making a sandwich. If I were to rewrite this movie, which I won't because I don't like it. But I would just I would cut out all the toys and make it crampus and the elves. The elves are like got a stoic creepy vibe.

Like they're wearing their own little runic masks, et cetera. You love these elves. But they're cooler than, because they don't talk and they don't giggle and do silly shit. They actually have like they feel like something from the folklore. That feels genuine versus the fucking gingerbread cookies. Like fucking God. And by the way, we have two of the same moment twice, which is one. up in the attic when we're fighting everything,

Allison Tolman goes full Terminator and starts cutting through shit and it's like, oh, bad ass. Like, she's to save her kid. And then we do it later with the Aunt Doris. She has her moment where it's like, badass Aunt Doris. And I'm like, I just saw that three minutes

ago. Like, you have like Adam Scott, like, Aunt Doris, finish it. But you liked it, right? Come on now, you liked it. Did you like it? It's the angel monster. Yes. what it is and it's attacking Kekner and it's about to like lay the death blow and Aunt Dorothy

shoots it and it's this great like I think it's Adam Scott's like Aunt Dorothy finish it and she's like with pleasure and then much like the SWAT team at the end of Christmas vacation at the end of this movie a bunch of fucking elves just break through all the windows

Oh you like badass ants do you? We'll take all the badass ants you want Yeah Oh it just continues sucking Right. And she, and then like, Aunt Doris immediately right here gets all tied up and they're pulling her all, they're pulling her out the house. And she's like, I'll see you all in hell. And I was like, pull this woman apart. Like fucking bread. Come on. It's bullshit ass moving. Just take the Sean of the dead fucking effect to just do it again. You know what I mean? Yes. We get another David Keckner twisted fairy tale horse shit line. He grabs onto the jack in the box clown thing. They, it rides away like. like Shalad.

What was that name of the Dune thing? Shalad. Andrew, you know it. What was the name of the worm? Oh, the worm. Oh, what are they called? Shih Hulud. Shai Hulud.

There you go. Rides away like a Shilaloo. It rides away like Shilabuff. Yes, you're totally right. Yes, exactly. Rides away like Shilabuff to the Pittsburgh Comic Conic. Well, he'll be posing for photographs. But then there's like this thing where,

like a horn sounds and all the elves sort of scatter and it's like it's him and I was like well there's four minutes left of the movie so fucking finally I guess it better be it fucking better be like I guess when crampus gets to your house he turns the power back on partially so like a Christmas carol or a Christmas tune can like eerily play while he's stalking you yeah and crampus wants to watch TV when it's over with he wants to check it exactly the football game's probably on. You never know. Everyone runs out of the house. They're trying to do this zombie plot line of getting to this plow.

Omi stays behind her face the crampus herself. And then of course the crampus has to long tongue in your grandma's face there. Yeah. Why are we getting a little fresh with grandma here? If there was ever going to be a time where it was like this dude's going to say something, you could just be right here. He's looking at the grandma on his big fucking finger comes up and he's just like,

you or so you know like oh that's the one that got away for me or something come on let's watch let's watch the renovation show omy i mean they're never going to buy this house they're never going to do it omy i don't know why they think they're going to do it i mean so oh me they're definitely going over budget just look at this some people think i'm creepy but have you seen these property brothers my god oh oby this isn't even close to downtown Oh, he's married to her? You know, I liked all the real girls. Wasn't a big new girl fan.

I got to be honest with you. Oh, Omi, I would go for house number two. I don't know about you. That is on budget and convenient. Come on, Omi. I know it would be nice, but they don't need that pool. Oh, me, the 70s called. They want their house back.

I'm a bit of a bitch. Oh, Clarkville. There is the best pizza pizza. place in Clarkville, Ohio. You wouldn't think it, right? You wouldn't think it's Ohio, but in fantastic pizza. Oh, Omi, changed the channel. It's an episode of International and I just can't watch those poor people rush toward divorce like that. I can't do it. Yeah, that's my fave. It is. I love it too. They're always getting divorced.

And you know, Omi deserves a better ending here than just looking into this bag of toys that you now, you're like, okay, so the matchbox car and the robot. Yeah, exactly. The Tomogachi fucking killed her. Okay, cool. All right, moving along. He opens his bag of toys and you know something bad. It's a bunch of battery powered gramblans fucking attacker. They keep going

and going. The puppet masters, they get her. Exactly. Now, everyone else is trudging through the snow and then everyone starts being dragged under the snow, like the jaws thing we saw earlier. Crazy. This is kind of, we're rushing to the end of this movie. Like Max and Stevie, the other cousin girl, gets into this

snowplow and it's not starting and the movie's about to end. It is the thing because like Tony Colette still alive, Adam Scott, Adam Scott, Tony Colette and Allison Tillman are all alive with the other kids and they're running around and you're like, oh, how is this going to go? And like Adam Scott actually like sacrifices himself to just being, you know, sucked under the snow. Alison Tolman just gets sucked under the snow. I'm like, you need to give these characters meaningful deaths

because they've been the whole movie. Well, Steve, the problem is, dude, you don't realize what's going on here. Adam Scott does have a meaningful death because he knows it's coming, he sees it's coming, and he very dramatically closes his eyes and waits for it. Oh, yes. And then Tony

Colette says, I love you, my babies, to her kid or whatever. Also, it gets sucked under the snow. the fuck like come on Linda gets pulled under as well like it's just so dull wouldn't you know it's Steve he's abducted by the dark elves

my favorite well there's like some like what I like is there's like weird dark elf reverie going on here I kind of agree with you if like a jolly elephant band is involved instead of just gingerbread men and toys I do think it would be a better

movie because now now now now Carampus is going to get crunked because he just killed granny, you know what I mean? He's got his friends, oh, me, you know what I mean? Dude, you know, they're getting drunk tonight. Those dark elves, I bet you they party hard. Oh, dude, get that schnops out, dude.

We're fucking closing this place down, absolutely. Barley wine everywhere. My God, just by the barrelful. Oh, God, I don't care for barley wine. It's awful. But that's the first drink for sure. So something that's kind of out of the end of Back to the Future when you realize Doc Brown

taped up that note, crampus is like, here's your letter back pussy okay and so that is the reason he did what he did i guess so anytime i tear up a note crampus is going to read it well you can't throw it out the window two days before christmas wow i guess crampus is reading a lot of my financial statements it's crampus with like a huge roll of scotch tape just putting back all the documents in one You really should roll this into an IRA, honestly. This is a surprising amount of debt for someone like you. You're not really planning for the future.

That's a big problem. You know, just leaving a bunch of money like this in a savings account does nothing for how it occurs. There's no interest here. Doesn't seem like you're listening to me much. Where is my, hold on, where's my green visor? Green visor. I know there's a lot of stuff on here, but here it is. Here we go.

Oh, yeah, now here's my evil mystical adding machine. Cron chink. Exactly. So when crampus appears, Max yells, hey, asshole at him. He's like got this fiery pit. Again, I would have liked to see this ritual, like, flesh it out and summons this fucking thing. Because they're like loading up this final kid, not Max, but the last cousin.

Stevie. Yes, getting ready to toss her ass in here is the idea. Yeah, hey asshole. I take back my wish. I take it all back. Give me my family back. And he just falls into the pit. Yes.

Well, he toss Stevie in. I think he tosses that crampus ball or ornament or whatever his bell at him as well. Yeah. Take me instead. He's got this teardrop and the crampus with his big fingernail touches it. You'd think maybe this would be warming the crampus's heart, but it doesn't. drops him in anyway. A big laughs. It laughs. This is

a this is a joke they thought would land and doesn't because it's the end of the movie and you're just you're waiting for any kind of character change of any kind. You're hoping that like you know

someone with abilities has written this movie and instead it's just this dumb joke of like oh the tier oh is this nice oh I'm going to throw her in anyway isn't that funny? Isn't that funny? He did it anyway. He did and then he wakes up and you're like oh this sucks you've got to be kidding me this sucks he throws he throws max in the pit by the way he does yeah yeah but it was all a dream so don't

worry and at the end of this podcast it'll be revealed to you that this podcast was all a dream it was this podcast was all a dream and you used to read word up magazine we're in a marble what if i asked what about a quick question there if it wasn't Is that doing anything for it? Wait, wait. What if it wishy-washy maybe wasn't? There you go. That's the bullseye right there. Yeah, that's your shoulder shrug ending. He wakes up. There wasn't a blizzard after all. It's Christmas morning.

The lighting is very warm to maybe give you an idea that maybe this is otherworldly or it's a fantasy or some thing. Kekner is not moving his face is looking like dead-eyed ahead the whole time. So there are little things to think, like, what the fuck is this? I think that's just him trying to play a sweet and loving uncle. Maybe. But it's like, oh, we open your presents. Everything's very nice. And, like, the kid is very relieved.

He's like, I love you, mom and dad. And then there's just this moment when everyone just sort of looks at each other. And you're like, ooh, what does that mean? Because he pulls out, he opens a Christmas gift. And it's the bauble that Crampus has given him that says from Crampus on it or whatever. and they all just start looking at it and like I'm kind of thinking now

this is like Don Sutherland at the end of invasion of the body snatchers here like I'm expecting Dave Kekner to just open his mouth and it's like what are we trying to really say or like they were maybe they were killed and they were living in this crampus

After Realm or yeah that's what I think it is but are these even them or Are they, like, visions of the, like, is this all for Max? Their soul. I imagine it's their souls in there, and he's trapped them in this little. We're doing a lot of guesswork for the end of this movie. Yes, they are.

We do see the Crampus' underground layer where he has many, many snow globes. And now I'm thinking, crampus, you know, he wakes up in the night, he's got to take a wicked piss. You know how it's. Sure. He drank a lot of stuff that was brought to him on a son, Bernard, a big barrel. thing or whatever they do in the Alps. And then he knocks over

his snow globe and it falls and breaks. What happens then? Great question. It's a great question. He loses some souls and he's a collector so that must piss him off. Chris, where does my soul go go? Does it go and down the floor boards? What happens to? Not my pay grade, brother. I'll tell you that much. That's for

someone else. It doesn't hit the note I think it wants which is creepy, because it reads confusing to me, quite honest. Like, if it was like, you kind of need a what year is this kind of moment. Like, didn't we do Christmas yesterday? Like, that would be a cool kind of, oh shit. They're stuck in this Christmas hell. That's neat, you know, like, but it's just sort of they look and you don't hear. I need something.

Maybe or even a good old fashion, you know, scream towards the camera would be fun. You know what I mean? Like, sure. This is hell. You know, like. But that's unsettling. And the whole thing with this movie is that they can't cross that Rubicon. That cannot happen at any point.

And it's always been trying to like make that men. Like just no blood, nothing like that. And I do think that this ending can also be read as they're actually, it was, they're alive and maybe crampas is keeping an eye on them or something. Sure. Yeah, maybe that's like a wizard's orb where he's looking at them. He's going to be always watching you while you sleep. Is this Palantir? That's right, Project Santa Claus being kicked off

Everybody this holiday season Pick up a new Palantir Snow Globe No reason Yeah, the only thing that I took away from this scene Was I thought Crampus's little workshop area Looks almost exactly like where Michael Kane Lives in Children of Men If anybody remembers his

His fucking house in the shack that he has I don't know why But it just sort of reminded me of that Yeah, no, this ending I can't even. I can't even with this ending. I really can't. That is the end of the movie.

This was the reason I wanted to do the episodes. I remember like really being annoyed by it the last time and still, like I was just like, wow, I'm still annoyed by this ending. Yeah. How about that? The last third of it. Like that's what I think I, I originally coming out of the theater was like the ending fucked it up.

And I'm like, it's the last third of the movie that really fucks it up. I think the buildup is more or less okay, pretty good. when they have to fucking actually answer the questions, they completely shit the bed. Yes. Yep. Yeah. I just, like, I like that buildup. I just wish it ramped up way faster

because the first time there's even any kind of whiff of crampus, I pause it. It's like 26 minutes into the movie. You need, like, at least an opening scene. How about the opening scene, right? It's like a little, little prolog here, Germany, 1942. And here's a younger version of Omi.

And you see that story play out and then you can see some fucking crampus there and you get your crampus up front and then we can then not I guess have crampus and the rest of the 80% of the movie until the end of it Send this exact note to Welcome to Derry I just

I need more like this should be about Pennywise I should be feeling dread about what Pennywise is and I'm just like oh it's all this stuff because the show seems to think that you will care just as much about the it monster

in any other form than Pennywise and I just at the time of recording they have aired four episodes I just watched the most recent one last night I decided I do not like it but I'm sticking with it real pain pig shit and I watched the

Max is always really good about you know coming later this season up next week on our shows whatever they must be feeling it from people because there is the whole thing at the end of this fourth episode that's like coming up this season on Derry

and that fucking clown is smattered all over the place. He'd better be. He'd fucking better be. Yep. You get a little bit of them in episode four but it's really like trust us the only reason you're watching the show will finally come into play in the back half

of the season or something like it's it was a real like oh the people at Max have been looking at the internet too much I probably yeah. Yeah but that is the end of this holiday horror selection. We'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts, Mr. Siska. It's, yeah, no, it didn't work for me.

I understand this is a beloved holiday classic for a lot of you. You know, that's not even sarcastic, Chris. It's okay to like a movie, and if this, if this starts your boat, absolutely go for it. But it just annoyed me because it's underbaked with these characters. I need a little more going on here. I would like more crampus in the crampus movie. And, you know, it's just one of those, like, these weird little pop culture niche things like oh that was big on the internet let's make

a movie out of next adapt um well how about that song uh grandma got ran over by a reindeer the reindeer is gritty and dark and evil and he's after that's fantastic guys where's grandma come on shutter come on you got there you go that's a that's a million dollar idea Steve, Steve say that. How are you feeling about this? Yeah, no, I'm with Eric on this one. Like, I just think that you have to tell me a story if you're going to tell me a story, right?

And the story has a bit, and like, you could say like that, you know, oh, you'd be mad if you over explained it. And I probably might be, but I do think that there's a middle ground. Like, you know what I mean? Like Twin Peaks, we could argue about what, oh, well, did he tell you a story? What's the beginning? What, you know what I mean? Look, what are the specifics going on and what does this mean?

But you can, it's actually interesting enough, interesting enough to actually want to part. parse that out. Here it just feels like open gaps because you didn't want to you didn't want to either get an R or actually think about your movie. It just feels really rushed and incomplete and I can totally see why some people like it because again I think the cast

is fantastic. Some of the character designs are good but it's just extremely not my shit. Yeah, yeah. Chris Cabin. So I think there's about as like the bad stuff in this doesn't piss me off as much as the good stuff I like

I guess is what I'm my general feeling on this I like the care I like the cast in general I like the creature design when they're actual creatures and not CGI bullshit and I like the tone overall I wish you would cross the Rubicon that's my

problem is that you're not doing that and you you set up all these things and like you might even be able to pay off the fucking comedy horror holiday trifecta if you cross the Rubicon but if you refuse to do that

it's not going to work and it kind of is disappointing when it actually comes to passengers like oh they didn't they didn't do it like it's just it fucking pisses you off and I'll tell you having Seth Green and Justin Royland be the voices betrays your whole shit because that means that you wanted

it to be like that shit you wanted it to be adult swim and all that stuff which okay they make some good stuff but for the most part is just like cynical jokes that mean nothing or just mean like that's it and i i felt that that's probably what a lot of this is or what they were trying to get at from this and it just it it frustrates you it really does yeah yeah um no just aggressively not for me i said on letterbox like you want to put a pervert in the attic

of a sorority house and he's making nasty phone calls on christmas eve i'll tune in hell yeah you want to have a fucking deranged stock boy go nuts at a hardware store dress up like santa and kill people in his town. I'm in, baby. But I just Christmas and Monstars and at it. I thought the designs of the Monstars were cool, but my Christmas Monstars are Gramlins and that's it. What about

a robotic Mickey Rudy? Is that doing anything for you? We will have to see, won't we? That other, I mean, another thing, like, what was the, I forget what it was called, like, Deadly Night, I think it was just called. Joe Begos movie from a few years ago. Like, I like

Joe Begos. He's made some interesting horror movies over the years. This movie is literally a robot Santa that's on display, like, comes to life and starts killing people. It doesn't say anything. It slowly just walks around. It's not any, there's no lore to it. It's just

like, just dull. I mean, holiday horror is really so hard to pull off. I will say, you brought that up because I've been making the joke about Hanakee. They kind of tried to do that with that better watch out movie, and it sucks. It's so stupid. And, like,

like I and again like I'm glad these people are trying new things that's fine I just like wish you would not try to do again the four quadrant thing is fucking your brain up and you're just not making the movie that you want to make probably because you just want to be like well what's going to make more money yep yeah exactly I had to look up what better watch out was for a second and I yeah I remembered that being like kind of okay I don't know it's been it's like knock knock I just don't like that shit yeah yeah knock knock I did not care for But that is it. That is going to do it for this discussion on crampus here. As always, of course, if you want episodes just like this, but commercial free, completely commercial free, head on over to that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies where this month we have a real banger lineup of Patreon offerings for the holidays, including last week. We did just release our We Love Movies episode for the month, all about Avatar, The Way of Water. Get that in just in time for Part 3 to come. come out here. That was a lot of fun. It was cool

revisiting that. Steve Animation Damnation, we're getting into the holiday spirit. We sure are. We're talking about Frosty, the Snowman, the Rankin' Bass joint from the late 60s. That was a lot of fun, just revisiting that animated classic. Absolutely. Chris Cabin on

Once in a Lifetime, we also got a snowman to tackle with. We're talking about hot frosty and whether or not you can fuck a snowman. It's an interesting, you know, we discuss it. We've got four experts here. And we really went hard on it. You can do it.

Turns out you can do it. Hot Frosty is coming out. If you're listening to this episode on Crampus, the day that it comes out, which is the 9th of December. Hot Frosty is coming out just this Thursday. And Frosty the Snowman is this Friday, as a matter of fact, but it does not stop there. Eric, we do not a life day thing or anything, not the holidays for Star Wars, but we're talking about a cool guy.

Yes. Well, you know, it's about, you know, it's Christmas time. You gather with your family. We recently talked about Gavin Dark Lighter. I thought we were well overdue to do Biggs Darklighter, so we are covering Biggs Darklighter. Right. Who's Luke Skywalker's friend.

Jason Biggs Darklighter. And Chris, over on Melrose 210, a bit of special programming this month. You're getting a double dose of Melrose place, and we're talking both the Christmas episode, but also the wind up to that. And like, this is all just Joe's baby. We are deep in the Joe's baby drama

And my God, Kimberly is losing her mind Pretty fantastic Both of those episodes, the Gleap Glossary and Melro are coming out Next week. And of course, Star Trek Nexus will be continuing as well And also the 29th folks don't lose sight of this guy. The King of Congmentary comes out. That's right. Our last commentary track of the year. King of Congmentary, a fistful of quarters.

Cannot wait. for that sucker to drop as well. So that is going to do it, folks, for the Patreon program. But as always, every Tuesday, a new episode is dropping here on We-A-Movies. Steve Sadek, what are we talking about? We are actually, I teased it a little bit there.

We are talking about Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 5. The Toymaker? Is that the subtitle? That's the toy maker. Yes, with a full Mickey Rooney movie for the first time, I think, on this television, on this podcast. That's fun.

Yep. All right. Jiminy Jillikers. There are scenes in this movie that are straight up inexplicable. I am so looking forward to this. The hits keep on rolling here. That is right. So until next week,

I think do we complete the Silent Night Deadly Night franchise or no. We never did two. We never did two with Garbage Day. Or three. Oh, okay. Oh, we just did the commentary on four. On four. One and four. That's right. So until next week with Mickey Rooney

the Toymaker or something, I've been Andrew Jupin. Steven Sanak. Eric Siski. Chris Cappin. Take it easy. Thank you.