We Hate Movies - S16 Ep837: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991, with Alonso Duralde)

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

“It’s always a weird drifter with a dubious backstory” - Eric on mall Santas On this week’s episode, we finally welcome film critic/author/podcaster/great dude, Alonso Duralde on the show to chat about the totally outrageous Christmas horror schlocker, Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker! How hilarious is this face-hugger Santa toy in the cold open? Was that really the best name Mickey Rooney’s character could’ve gone with for his toy store? How hilarious is it that this robot actually has a bump? Is this lady too casual about her husband dying in a horrific household freak accident? And was that Clint Howard we spied back there? PLUS: What do you call a bunch of fans of the classic literary character, Geppetto? We break it down.  Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker stars William Thorne, Jane Higginson, Van Quattro, Tracy Fraim, Neith Hunter, Conan Yuzna, Brian Bremer, Clint Howard, and Mickey Rooney as Joe Petto; directed by Martin Kitrosser. Also, be sure to pick up the updated & expanded edition of Alonso’s kick-ass book, “Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas,” which is a totally essential guide for your holiday viewing and is guaranteed to make a killer stocking stuffer for the cinephile in your life. Click through here to pick it up on Bookshop! This episode is brought to you by Sonos! Looking for the perfect last-minute gift? Sonos is offering up to 25% off now through December 28, 2025 at sonos dot com. Throughout 2025, we’ll be donating 100% of our earnings from our merch shop to the Center for Reproductive Rights. So head over and check out all these masterful designs and see what tickles your fancy! Shirts? Phone cases? Canvas prints? We got all that and more! Check it out and kick in for a good cause! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

Hey, y'all, big shout out to Sonos for sponsoring this week's episode on Silent Night, Deadly Night 5, colon the toy maker. This season, give the gift of Sonos sound, y'all. We're going to tell you exactly how you can do that just a little later in the program. But until then, yes, we are pleased to finally welcome Alonzo Duralde to We Hate Movies, the Christmas movie expert, y'all. We were able to have him come in and talk about this masterpiece of a Christmas horror classic. enjoy the show y'all cool man

this week on the program it's the only Christmas film I'm aware of that contains dueling sex scenes it's Silent Night Deadly Night 5 colon the toy maker I'm Andrew Jupin Stephen Sadek

Secret Robot I can't believe there's an actual bump Chris Gavin and I'm Alonzo Duraldi and we hate movies We're going to be able to be. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in to the fine program. As always, that's right. The Christmas content continues this week. We're talking Silent Night, Deadly Night 5, Colin the Toymaker from 1991, directed by Martin Kit Rosser. And here to help us sift through this brainmelter of a holiday horror film. You've read him on the film verdict. You've heard him on pods like Linolium Knife, Breakfast All Day, Maximum Film, and Deck the Hallmark, his book, Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas, which is revised,

updated y'all is out now alonzo daraldi my friend welcome to we hate movies oh my god thanks for having you guys long time listener first time guest yeah this is a long time coming we've we've been like circling the wagon like we've got to get alonso on for something and now here we are the book is sort of re-edited you've added some stuff plug away man we'll start with the plugs sure yeah it's the second edition it's revised and updated um tons of christmas movies have come out since 2010 when the first edition came out uh but i've also learned a lot since then. I've grown as a person and been exposed to some

classics that I didn't know about before. So thank you, Turner Classic movies. I now know a lot more about Holiday Noir. So Blast of Silence, welcome to the book. Yes. Excellent. Marvelous. Somebody got me a Christmas gift. I'm aiming to find out why. Is that what holiday

noir is like? Except with blast of silence, it's all narrated in second person. So it's like, you're a dirty scumbag. someone on Christmas Eve. Okay. Yeah, it is one of the more existential noir. So, yeah, the narration's a lot of like, you were born

out of an inky void of blackness and you're heading there soon now. Oh, yeah. Alonso, can I ask you, have you seen Christmas holiday, the Sead Mac movie? I have, yeah. That one is weirdly tied up in some sort of like W. Somerset

mom estate legal drama. You can't even I booked a 35 screening of years ago and you can't even do that anymore but yeah that's like deanna durbin making the transition into adult roles and jean kelly not quite having yet been typegast as a song and dance man but it's super dark and uh you know it's it's got lots of twisted mommy issues and it's i wish more people had seen it jean kelly as a villain it's and as this dark car it's really something very unique i've i brought it on slezoids our our other friends josh and uh jamie over there but like i i i was

thinking about Christmas noirs and that was the first one that I always think of is that the fact that has that bookend of the guy stuck in the in the inn because his plane went down in the middle of the storm. I love Christmas noirs. I think they're just so unique. Yeah. Written by one, uh, Herman Mankowitz. Whoa. Oh, man. Yeah. Love that. Worth your talk. I have mentioned to his grandson on more than one occasion that this movie needs to be liberated, but you know, there's only somebody you can do. What is the, uh, what's the home video situation? Uh, there are, I have a British DVD and I think there are, I think it's someone might have put it on the little YouTube, uh,

but it is technically not accessible in this country. Wow. Fair enough. Uh, now, Alanzo, silent night, deadly night five, colon, the toy maker. Now, did that make it into the latest edition of your book? Yeah. No. Shockingly, no. Um, I, I did, I talked about the first, one. I've always, I knew this one existed because famously, you know, the first Silent Night Deadly Night comes out and, like, TriStar is releasing it. And then Siskel and Ebert have a big connoption about it. And everybody piles on like, oh, the horror, how dare you, Santa's, you know, as if Christmas evil had never existed. Like the idea of a killer dressed to Santa, nobody could, could brook that. And one of the voices of approbation, because it was the Reagan

era and people like to scold, was a legendary Hollywood movie star Mickey, So the fact that Mr. Rooney becomes part of the franchise in part five is a little nutty, although I'm sure people have suggested that maybe he didn't know, maybe when this was being made, they didn't connect it to the franchise. And then later they did. I couldn't say. But nonetheless, we have him on the record being very anti the first one and yet very happy to collect the paycheck for the fifth one. So it's odd, you know, as a, you know, pure Reaganite, he was able to, you know, get on the scold train. But then that money didn't trick. down to him so by the time the fifth one came out he needed some cash he had to pull himself up by his Santa bootstraps yes exactly Jiminy Jillickers

the tax man's coming I know it's low to attack people's looks but my God who he's he's like a he's melting in the car in this one huh he's really sweating dude someone roll a window down for Mickey Rooney in this movie screaming mad George could not

this is worse than Mad God whatever's going on with this man's actual face. It looks roughed up. Already, like somebody roughed up before cameras rolled. Look, Louis B. Mayer took a lot out of all those people. Oh, yeah, he worked those child actors like horses.

My God. It's amazing. He was still able to make a movie in the 1990 or 89 whenever they filmed this. That he was vertical was, I think, the real achievement. He lived another 13 years like that. Whatever this is, whatever state this is. Yes, exactly. I would wager most of that

was spent horizontal. There's definitely a few horizontal years in there. But so this director, Martin Kitrosser, not much of a directorial filmography, but he is the writer of the third and fifth Friday the 13th movies. And then the weirdest thing, this dude has found a career as a script supervisor, a ton of big movies,

but exclusively for every one of his motion pictures, Quentin Tarantino's script supervisor is this guy. Yeah. So, you know, people sometimes land on their feet in this business. You know what? It's strange because pitching, let's make Halloween

3 as a Christmas movie is a strange pitch right down the middle. I don't know exactly who would have gone for that. So I'm surprised that I even got here. Honestly, that this even exists as a miracle. You would expect this to be normal, but it's like the craziest

thing I've ever seen. Normal. I think you mean a Christmas miracle, by the way. Yeah, I'm sure that out there. And I'm sure QT is like, keep the Rooney stories coming. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How many more

you got in the tank, buddy. So, you know, this starts off like any classic Christmas movie would. You know, there's a little terrifying child peering out his window and this is Little Derek played by William Thorne who, not much of an acting career, but the same

year this came out, he plays Little Bill in Bill and Ted's bogus journey. That's where I've seen this kid's face. Yep, where it's like it's the grandmother in hell. It's like, you have to eat your food or whatever it is. That's the Easter bunny thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all that stuff. Yeah. He's

he's a little bill there. But he walks in on his mom and dad, banging, you know, like you want in your Christmas movie. This is some nice Christmas play right here. I mean, A, maybe, you know, the kid goes to up the street for the night if we're going to have this kind of loud sex

or B, let's lock the door. One or the other. How about a door lock? He was supposed to be sleeping in their defense. Yes. I do. I And you know what, respect it, Derek. He doesn't, he doesn't scream. He doesn't let, he lets the fucking commence. He lets it go on.

He does. He doesn't cut himself with a snow globe and be fixing to run it for life like the guy in Christmas evil, you know. Though this is, I do love this kid just kind of gives this like, well, and then, like, closes the door quietly. It sort of tells me, like, this wasn't the first time this happened to old Derek. No, I don't think so. I also say this.

kid, fine little kid actor rude to talk, well, it's probably my age at this point, real mouth breather this guy. Dude, it doesn't shut the entire movie. That thing is just slack jawed the entire time. There is a knock at the door, right? Yes. Yeah, that's what, because that's it, he's like,

there's someone at the door, oh, you're just fucking, well, I guess I'll get the door. I guess it's my job. No, no, I'll get it. Please, please, don't get up. Stay horizontal. Oh, Spark, you need a walk? Okay, let's do that too.

Let's get that going. Come on now, Sparky. Should I make dinner, too? I'm making my own breakfast. Keep fucking. It's good. He doesn't want his father dripping all over the house. Oh, Lord Almighty.

We haven't even been out of the air for 10 minutes. Yeah. But he opens the door. There's a gift there. It says, don't open till Christmas, which I believe is the name of another slasher. It is movie. Yes, starring Edmund Purdom of the Egyptian fame.

I think he directed it, too. it's terrible so the dad comes downstairs and he starts yelling at him like how many times do you have to tell you not to open the door at night and this freshly fucked dude

like with his shirt off and he's got these like thin sort of PJ pants on this guy is the king of the roost man my god total vibe it is he's got that chain around his neck too oh yeah he knows what's out

I'm not to spoil the middle of the ending but so he we find out later that he is not the kid's dad. Does he think he is or does he not think he is? You know, with the way he's talking to this kid, it's not, like, when you get these movies

where it's like a nasty stepfather, they're kind of nastier than what this guy's doing. So I think this guy believes that he is the biological father. I agree with that, yeah. And you know what? He dies, not knowing the truth, and that's for the best. It's a sad life for this guy having to have this. I mean, like, really, like, we catch him.

He dies. what this kid how old is a little Derek they say six eight oh six oh it's like oh it's been six years since you blah blah blah you went away Noah oh right it's been

I always wonder about the math on those situations so you're pregnant by the wrong guy you want to get the right guy it's kind of like that seed in Tommy boy when Chris Farley ruins the door and then props it up and then David Spade just barely opens and it falls off.

He's like, what'd you do? So that's kind of what I guess you find a dude immediately. And he's like, conno, no, no, don't because reasons. Oh, there must have been a hole in it. You're so fertile. I'm already in my seventh month. Wow. Wow, it's like having sex with Superman.

Wow, you're so big and, oh, virile. I'm just, I'm going to be, I'm going to have, I'm jumping right to the third trimester. You know what? You know what, honey? I am impressive. You're right. You know what? Let's get married right now.

Let's just do it right here. So he's like looking at this package and he opens it up and it's like a little red ball and it's playing some music. And then like this toothy Santa face comes out of it and turns into like an alien face hugger. Initially it's a happy, jolly Santa face. But then it turns around and then it's got that electric teeth and stuff. I love this little ball. It makes no sense, but it's funny. For a minute, I thought it was a Pokemon ball.

I almost thought it looks a little bit like one of those. And then, of course, yeah, it opens up and then it's got noodle arms that can stretch around. It's creepy. And this is like somebody got the phantasm ball and said, but make it Christmas. And get that creepy tall old man out of there. Give me a short, fat old man instead. Much like all of the other toys in this movie that are set to kill, very inefficient in the actual killing. Like, you know, like, just find a way to kill someone quicker.

I mean, this is, I guess, a suffocation situation. I thought, what I thought was that this thing was going to, like, pull itself into his face and crush his skull. That was what, but, like, it has to do this weird, like, what was the plan? Exactly. It can't be, it can't be that you planned the impalement that that was going to happen somehow. That wasn't it.

The plan was to, you know, you're distracted by this thing, and you'll fall over and kill yourself. somehow in your own house. You've got to do at least half the labor there. Yes, please. It's like, oh, fingers crossed, they open that gift upstairs and they maybe fall out a window. Or near a busy street.

Oh, man, that'd be great. I mean, this fireplace poker falls over, and what disastrous luck for this guy. The whole set just can't topple over. One is just up at this convenient, 45-degree angle. Oh, and he falls right in the eye. Oh, man, it's a good kill. I do appreciate later in this movie, the whole movie,

the mother is given this kid a lot of, like, he's gone mute because of the accident. Yeah, we're going to wait until New Year's until we really get worried about that. You know what I mean? Like, let's just give him some quiet time. Not to jump ahead. For the entire movie, this woman is very chill

for a woman who has just been widowed. And I know we're meant to understand that clearly her true love is this other dude. But nonetheless, like her trauma is just papered over and in favor of like let's deal with the kid not talking she was waiting six years in a sham marriage and just waiting and like that guy carries it i mean the guy who plays tom queen he can he honestly does carry the feeling it look of a guy who's just been in this shit marriage for his entire life with a kid that's not his we're having passionate sex pretty much in front of this kid 30 seconds before he goes i guess i guess you are torturing the kid a little bit you're giving it back a little bit i suppose the way she doesn't care i thought maybe she was behind it or something. Right, because when she's like kissing Noah in that parking garage in the middle of the movie, I was like, wait, she was in on it? What is it happening here? She hasn't, she's not even wearing purple yet. I mean, like, it's very fast. Yes. We do get the opening

credits here, which is great. Quick question, Alonzo. Have you seen Silent Night Deadly Night 4 colon the initiation? To be honest, I did one and two and then have skipped now straight to five. So I missed the Monty Hellman one. So that's not as worth your time as four and five, I would say. It's pretty boring. I've actually never seen three. I've seen one, two, four, and five. We did four last year as a commentary on our Patreon.

But I just want to bring it up here. This film is a departure from the Caldwell Brothers storyline. This is a trivia from the Silent Night Deadline and Four. The film is a departure from the Caldwell Brothers storyline of the previous three Silent Night Deadline movies. Brian Eusenus said that he was not interested in highlighting the Christmas elements of the previous films, though he regretted it and tried to atone for it by producing this

following sequel, Silent Night Deadline Five, The Toymaker. I don't think this is, I mean, this is more Christmas-y, but it's still quite a departure from what this series is. Very Usenie. Very, very, got a lot of his slime on it, I got to tell you. And like, once you go down that path,

I don't think you can really, once you've been Usenified, you cannot go back. I think that's it. No, I mean, he, you know, he co-wrote this and he's a producer on it. But, I mean, his fingerprint is all over this movie. There's actors that are in previous Usena productions, you know, all the, like, the reanimator love that you have little Easter eggs in this movie. That's like, you know, so, like, he's fucking family. He's got like three fucking family members in this movie.

I mean, it's crazy. You Usena, you losena. This cheap fucking title card, though, Steve, you brought up the intro here. It looks like you're about to watch a bad TV show. Like, this is really, they didn't think long on this. And I got to say, man, this whole Mickey Rooney as Joe Petto. Like, and it's like, the other guy is Pino. And like, so we're doing this whole Pinocchio thing.

I totally get it. But they are running around just calling Mickey Rooney Petto throughout this whole movie. Yep, yeah. A toy store called Petos. Yeah. No one seems to have a problem with. No, this is a really added value joke. Christmas at Little St. James.

Yeah. Let's see the spelling on that. You misunderstand me. I'm saying I'm a pedophile. I'm a petophile. I love Chapo and all the Pinocchio stuff. Why is everyone getting nervous when I call myself a petapile? It's got two petis in it.

Oh, what's that? Oh, dear God, I didn't know that word existed. I can see now where you might be confused. I had just started a group of men, five men, we're good friends. We just love Geppetto. We love him so far. We're pedophiles. We're the guys.

We are obsessed about your pedophiles. P.E. Double T. Come on. It's all right there. But, dude, yeah, so two weeks later after the credits here. So two weeks, that's it. Yeah.

This dude, like, you can still smell the death in the house. Yes. And it's two weeks later. Sympathy cards for Christmas, man. That was a nice touch. You get those kind of like on the shelf there. But we see this guy, this creep watching from a truck. He's like watching the house across the street.

this movie confuses and a lot of bad scripts do this of course this movie definitely confuses like secrets in your storytelling with like just not giving information to people like you don't know who this dude is it's not that exciting of a mystery you literally don't learn his name as no one until 56 minutes into the 86 minute movie wow it's insane it's insane just to like I can't believe I was writing my notes were like uh dude dude dude with the dude. Oh, Noah. Okay. And then you've also got Petto and Pino running around, so he's just another variable. You know, it's like,

it's like, this is a horror movie that's oops all villains for a long time, you know. Just call him donkey then. Why don't you just get in a doggy? Jiminy. Yes, Jiminy would be good.

Yeah, I also think it's weird like that he's obviously a red herring the whole time because clearly it has to be, if the movie's called Cola the Toy Maker, I think that the toy maker is likely in on it In some capacity

He's the problem Yes, exactly I love this kid Waking up dude Your fucking dad's been dead For 14 days only You're watching this Rambo cartoon And getting ideas

I couldn't believe This was in this movie That Rambo cartoon Which we covered ages ago Well unfortunately he's you know He's mute because of the trauma You understand He couldn't ask his mom

Can you change your fucking channel This is terrible This sucks These lucky charms are stale This whole situation sucks. I know it's the 80s, but come on. Hey, gang, today's episode on Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 is brought to you by Sonos. This holiday season, give the gift of Sonos sound.

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on one of the most underrated holiday specials of all time? Well, it's going to sound richer, fuller, and more beautiful than ever, y'all. Looking for the perfect last minute gift, Sonos is offering up to 25% off now through December 28, 2025 at Sonos.com. Listen again, folks, if you're looking for that perfect last minute holiday gift, Sonos is offering up to 25% off now through December 28th, 2025 at Sonos.com. That's Sonos, S-O-N-O-S dot com for 25% off now through December 28th, 2025 at Sonos.com. it's great when so the mom comes in and she's like uh she's like oh derrick here's your breakfast i made everything just the way you like it and i was like so you cooked it eggs bacon and some

toast pretty generic breakfast there's variables with bacon about the crispiness and what have you right sure she also does say that none of the items are touching because i know how much you hate when they oh right yes oh that's a that's a legitimate food thing So maybe it's more of a plating Yeah, plating issues Not as much a cooking thing I mizom plosset the way you like Thank you

Just get those little platters they have And they have the separated little things It's easy enough Oh like in prison? Yes, exactly The prison plates That's what we need High school cafeteria tray

Yeah, exactly This is Jane Higginson Who I can't believe Wasn't on Seinfeld As a Jerry or George date Even once It's crazy because I didn't look up where this lady's from or anything, but even though

I'm, like, confident that this is supposed to be like California set still, she's got some New York in there that she's kind of like padding down and I was like, let it fly, lady, you could be dating George Costanza don't worry about it. She must have read for every one of them and just didn't get it, unfortunately.

Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. And, oh, so that's, I mean, that might be a reason. Maybe we're doing like a Ryan Gosling. I'm Canadian, but I want everyone to not know I'm Canadian, so I'll pretend I'm from Brooklyn kind of a situation. Well, and not doing Hallmark movies, which, you know, that's the big shocker.

How do you keep your citizenship, you know? Yeah, no Hallmark movies, no Lifetime movies. Like, how is she not in, like, the wrong secretarial agent or something? Like, any of those classic titles over on Lifetime. What did you guys say, Steve? No, here comes a connection from Silent Night to Night 4. Here comes, what's her name? Kim.

Neith Hunter. as Kim, who is the protagonist of the last film, weirdly enough, and without any reference to it whatsoever, or one small reference, and her, I guess, adopted son, this is Lonnie from the last movie who, like, she escapes the cult with. So I guess she adopts him after the events of that film. I guess that's the idea. A suburban, bitter housewife in, like, a year's time.

Right, yeah, totally washed out of the news industry, has this kid. The kid, this Lonnie here, this is Brian Usna's kid, Conan Usna, who also played him in the previous film. Amazing. Conan, my God, what a name. It's great. It's great. Yeah, so she comes over and Derek, like, sees this commercial, a toy commercial for petos or whatever. And she's like, oh, maybe I'll take my disturbed son to the toy store today. And then you see, again, like, here's Noah just still, like, tracking them, watching in his truck or whatever. but so we get to the toy store here. Yeah, Petto's toys.

Real quick, Andrew. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lani there, I think I had some line like, don't go to that toy story. They don't got shit in that story or something. Oh, yeah. Outrageous vulgarity randomly at the start of this. I mean, he's right. I'll be honest with you. Then you see the store and you're like, yeah. Yeah. He's completely

right. They have a fucking toy from Firebirds. The fucking Nicholas Cage top gun rip off. It's ridiculous. And his family was murdered by Clint Howard and he was nearly sacrificed last Christmas, Eric. So maybe he's going to have a couple of four-letter words in the vocabulary from now on. Also, though, he's being raised by his dead older brother's fling from work who came over for Christmas that one time and the dad made anti-Semitic comments at her.

Well, look, you know, sometimes it's about the family you make along the way. That's true. It's not about, you know, sometimes you've got a powerful. I'm saying it's like, yeah, you'd probably have a little nasty mouth on you because you're getting raised by some lady. She's got no authority over you. Well, look, and if mom is chill about dad's death, these two certainly

are approaching another Christmas season with the aplomb of people who were not traumatized by it in the previous movie. They are ready for the holidays. That's the thing. I kind of would, I would swerve out of Christmas celebration maybe for you.

Maybe we try to give it a break. you know, maybe we just plain white paper for the present. If we're going to give presents at all, just completely white paper. I agree also. Like, if dad,

this kid's dad just impales himself right in front of the Christmas tree, maybe we're taking that down tomorrow. The whole area is just, yep. Yeah. And hey, you know, Chris, the whole printer paper for the present thing.

She got to, she has to be an alcoholic if she's doing that. She might be doing, hey, two things at once here, Eric. That's not too hard. Look, here, it's four easy words. Let's go to Florida. You know what I mean?

Disney World for Christmas. Let's just forget our troubles. We still haven't gotten the blood stain off the wood on the floor in the living room. A trip is a great idea because you got that big insurance check, right? Oh, yes. It's a fat one. Yeah, there you go. Christmas insurance check.

There's your fucking Christmas war. And they got the poker premium too. Oh, yeah. Jackpot. I know it hasn't come out yet, but have your like Morven Caller moment. Go out there. Enjoy life. Absolutely.

Yeah, but no, we're going to go to the grungiest toy store in town. You know, just go to Toys R Us at this. It's the 80s. It's right up the street. Yeah, I'd rather be a Toys R Us kid than murdered in this guy's basement. Yeah.

You know, but yeah, so we meet Pino Petto. This dude from a society and pumpkinhead. I don't have the page up. Brian Brimmer. Bremer, yes, that's right. And I do love, like, somehow, I guess I must be a small town because somehow the toy maker has heard about the

tragedy and he's just like Oh, how are you doing this? Sarah, oh yeah. Fate plays cruel tricks on us all. And I was like, I don't even getting fucking life advice from the guy who owns the toy store. Just sell me some shit and let's get out of here.

That's what you won't get that personal touch at Toys or Us and that's why it was preferable. Exactly. It's like you just go in by a Mortal Combat Super Nintendo game and get out without talking to anybody. Yes. The cold touch of capitalism. Not even touch you in at all. Who needs to dredge up their personal grief just for retail?

No, exactly. He's trying to sell, he's like, you know, trying to make the kid feel better. And it's kind of the only sort of like nice Mickey Rooney moment in the movie. It lasts for about seven seconds because he's like, oh, you don't like that toy, do you? How about this toy? It's a little dog. And it's got a tongue that comes out. And the dog's like, the little toy, like the dog tongue comes out.

And he's like, yeah, see, the tongue. And then you get Mickey Rooney. He's like, la, la, la, la. I was like, no, no, no. No, no, no. Petto here is getting way too close to this kid. Exactly, dude. Just like flicking that tongue out like a fucking xenomorph.

Oh, God. Guarantee you, this actor, William Thorne, remembers the smell of his breath for this day. That's why that kid can't drink whiskey. He can't drink whiskey. He's just the smell. Yeah, he's like parked on this kid's nose. It's crazy. I grew up in an era pre-toys or us where, like, you would actually,

your parents would take you to someplace like Western Auto, and there would be a whole toy sack. And it seemed less grim than this. Well, I mean, he's talking about it. He's like, oh, it's hard times for us here at Petto's. A, you've got this commercial budget come from. And then he's complained about this apartment that he's, this upstairs apartment's pretty nice.

I'll be honest. It's not bad. Not bad. I'll be honest. You know, he's complaining about it and everything. But like, you get up there. And I'm like, yeah, man, if you moved all of your, like, mad scientist equipment out of here, like, it's a pretty spacious place.

You're a couple dial moves away from something that might be moving. Like, when you talk about Pino and his masks, like you're getting just a little too aggressive. And he makes the mask to understand. He makes him in the back there to scary masks. Well, he can't control his tone because he's wasted, you see. Yes, of course. That is.

Yeah. It's too bad, really. It is. The commercial is interesting because I do think you're right, Chris. That's definitely a Halloween three reference, right? Like, it's just, it's a little tip of the hat. I don't see how it isn't. Yeah.

If there was some sort of countdown to Christmas, they're getting sued. They would absolutely be getting sued. I do love the idea of... Two more days till Christmas Eve. Lawsuit incoming. But yeah, he chooses... What does the kid wind up getting or does he not get to him? Well, because Pino's like, hey, how about this toy?

And it's this Larry the Larvae. And he's like, my dad invented this one. And I'm like, here's where it stops. Anytime someone's like, here's a toy that I be. built and I'm selling in the store. I'm sorry. I can't. No, no, no, no. Calm down. This one has a tongue, too, and it's really long as well. That's the thing. When you come into Petto's toys, all the toys got tongues.

I'm not here for farm to table. Exactly. This kid's mute so he can't say, how about a fucking he man, huh? Like, I'll take man at arms, skillet, tour, wherever you got back there. You have anything that's like copywritten material? They got a fucking trademark anywhere in the store. It's the 80s. If there's not a syndicated cartoon for it,

it's bullshit. Thank you. We have the helicopter from Firebirds. Don't, we ran out of the Sean Young action figure, unfortunately. A lot of Brian Usner productions

that have toys, I guess. Oh, man. So like, I'm actually surprised they went with the whole Geppetto thing for him. Because you think about elves, right?

Like, they, aren't they the toy? I thought, I would, you know, I was getting ready to watch this today. You look at the cover there. And then you got Mickey Rooney. I'm like, well, that's an elf size. And it wasn't.

I have to say the, I don't know where this post. I think it's like maybe if this was released, like maybe the Blu-ray release for it or something. This is a very misleading poster because it's like the little kid. Yes. And then a bunch of evil-looking, like, stuffed animals. Which are not in the movie at all.

No. Well, I think this was still cashing in on whatever. I figured what episode we were just talking about it. The whole puppet man. this is like another demonic toys like and not those movies made a lot of money but I guess they made enough money to trick you into thinking

you're getting one here. Right. Well and child's play the first one was what 88 right? Yes that's right yeah so that's kind of just right right all here. So like he takes this little Larry the Larvae thing and they get out of there. No he doesn't take it I think they leave. Oh that's right. Noah buys it.

That's right. Noah takes it later. They just get out of there because they're freaked out, I think, by Pina was the idea. The kid doesn't want anything. And then Mickey Rooney gets super abusive, super quickly. I mean, it's a robot, so who cares? But he doesn't know that yet. You ruined it, you rat, piece of shit.

It's so awesome because, like, the second, the door to this toy store closes, he turns on a dime and he's like, I ought to break you in half. Which is just because, like, the idea of Mickey Rooney breaking anyone in half is very cute. especially a robot

so this guy Noah who again Red hair Drifter Red Herring He's like oh you know He gets a toy and then like The news clipping of the murder Falls out of his pocket Oh the freak accident death you mean

So he So we'd let Noah's story Again we're going to spoil it a little bit here He had sex with The mother Sarah Sarah and is now like Trying to reintroduce himself into life because he noticed the news clipping that the dude is dead.

He's like, hey, now it's a perfect time to come back. Weep in. Oh, you finally did it. You finally did it, Sarah. I can't believe it. And the other thing about this guy's... A little birdie told me your single life. And the other thing about this guy's personality slash backstory,

aside from vaguely being in the army, was he was in the town that Joe Petto was in, in the 70s when he was run out of town. for something. So he's doing this silent investigation, something, something. Isn't it this town, right? Because he lived in the house. It's like that happened when he was a kid. That's right. Everyone was living in the kid's house. Yes. They used to live in the house Sarah is living in. So I guess everyone just forgot about this nefarious toy maker thing. You cannot have a toy store after you've maimed some children in the 70s. Yeah. Well, do you think he, he,

Like the last store, he was like, you know, Greg Johnson's toy factory or whatever. And then like, he fucking tries to like rebuild a few years later. And they're like, this guy going around and calling himself Joe Petto, doesn't he look an awful lot like the other pervert toy store owner that we ran out of town? It was Joe's toy store before, but now it's completely different. Oh, just because I invented the razor blade and an apple, how was I supposed to know people wouldn't love it? So, yeah, we come to find Noah. He's in this motel room and he's got all these. toys on the bed and you're like what is going on and he gets into it like there's a knock on the door

he gets into it with the motel manager because he hasn't paid the uh you know weekly raid or whatever and the guy's trying to kick him out and yeah this is where you get some stuff where he's like look i just got out of the service i'm going to get paid you know tomorrow or whatever and then this guy's like not having it no no no no no and he's finally like all right how about this let me stay in this motel room for another night totally gratis and i'll give you a cool toy for your son for Christmas and this guy's like absolutely what a deal sold which is the grudgiest one oh this disgusting tim burton-esque word here you go oh shit it's Christmas tomorrow oh yeah that makes sense Denise is gonna kill me oh no yeah I'll take the one that looks like a rusted purple dildo give me that I'm guessing this is also a little nod of the hat to the fourth one because they're

are a lot of disgusting worms in that movie. Clint Howard is doing some weird worm play in that movie. Yeah. Everything vaguely turd-like. Oh, Larvae, I'll take it. It's just enough to make me believe that, like, used to probably pitch an animated series called Larry the Larvae

and was trying to get it and put up. Because he's like, what, everybody's making these animated shows. We should get in on that. There's money to be made. My proof of concept. They didn't Rambo the TV show. They should have done society the TV show. Yeah, dude.

This time, like, the butthead at the end is actually friends with you. Yeah. Going on papers together. He's the dude that gives, like, the, like the educational segments at the end. He's like, we're in a lot of fun on today's episode of society. Well, you know what's really important?

Taking a shower every day. And I'm not just talking on my ass. That's good hygiene. I mean, they are very jovial. That's the thing. All those asses, very jovial. You can get that to a kid really easily. Shunting powers activate.

They all got to get together. Wipe three times, but no more. We got a hug really tight to activate those powers. Oh, I love it. We are society. Yeah, we are. We are society. Yeah, we are. Yeah.

And yeah, oh, God, this would be so great. They could have like a, you know, like a worm that hangs out with them, like the talks as well. Hell yeah. I'm liking all this. There's a, there's an animated character. It's a lady, but she's got, you know, her boobs are on her back and all that cool stuff. You know. Yes.

Really make it love them. It's really writing itself this cartoon. I love how this guy loves Larry the larvae in the car. He's giggling. Look at that thing. It's like crawling at him. Maybe I won't give it to my son after all.

Maybe this is a present for dad. Yeah. And it's just going again, yet again, this thing, I guess the idea is it's going to go in your mouth. This reminds me of, remember that old the Dan Aykroy, Jane Curtin, Sarat-Live sketch about. Oh, Victor Mainway.

Yes, the, the, the dangerous. Toys. Yeah, unsafe toys. And it's like, bag on glass. And, like, that stuff. But then at the end, he tries to make the safe toys, unsafing. I could choke on my tie if I just, I put it in my mouth there. Like, that's what happens to all these things.

Dan Aykroyd doing a bad job of, like, trying to make them dangerous is how all these toys are actually dangerous. Well, this one is particularly grody here because, yes, it is this Larry the Larvae thing. I do love the guy. When it starts moving, the guy's like, yeah. It's pretty sweet. Whilst thriving. It appears to be powered by a gross orange extension cord somehow. If you just look at the bottom of the prop,

there's just clearly like an extension cord plugged into it, and it's moving around this dude's car. And I was like, why on earth would you agree to give this to a child, buddy? Look at it. A gross fucking like oil-stained extension cord. That's nasty. This is a toy for dad right here. This thing's going to be going right up the crack later.

Now, a lot of these are like sex toys. later. I'm like, there's no other use for this. No. No. That's just clearly, that's like, oh my God, you put that in the toy bag. That was supposed to go in the sex toy bag. Oh, no. Here's a thing. If this thing is like jumping, this thing jumps into

this dude's mouth, again, very like alien here kind of also. Why is he refusing to hit the brake pedal on this car? This is the funniest part of this movie. It's like, this dude just like, no, I can't blah, but he refuses to stop the car. What is the emergency brake for, if not for this?

No, man. Exactly. Like, stomp on that thing and put this car to a halt. Instead, this guy's all over the road. He goes flying, flips over. We are throwing a real car, like, off this hill, blowing this thing up. And I love it because to get the practical stunt, right, to blow up this car, you clearly have to be in the middle of nowhere. So they have this guy, like his drive home is this this dude driving into the woods? Because you look at where the car goes up.

I got to be as far away from this hotel as possible. I'm actually, I'm neighbors with the back cave. I see him all the time He's driving in and out of that place This is the best part of the movie though And like the best kill Just seeing his like eye socket Like his eye go out

Oh yes Yes yes This is all the really beautiful Screaming Matt George special effects Right here again I have to give a shout out To the late Tom Rennoni Who I met back when I used to run a film festival in Dallas

Who was part of this effects team And Oh wow Did a lot of stuff with Screaming Mad George also had this incredible trailer compilation of like drive-in trailers he found in a barn somewhere called trailers from the crypt. I don't know if it ever got out there in the world

he passed a couple years ago, but Tom Rennone, legend for this kind of nutty movie. Oh, that's awesome. I mean, yeah, that's, you know, say what you want about these movies. Like, they're clearly not great, but like once Screaming Mad George gets into the mix working with Usenah on these like back two,

it's awesome. Like the effects in both four and five in this franchise are pretty pretty cool um so we get this thing again just this like we don't know who noah is so he's not a character but we're spending an awful lot of time with a non character lurking yeah and he's like sneaking back into this uh he sneaks back into pedos and he finds this photo and it's like it says like it's a it's a picture of pino and some guy and it's like february 1970 or something like that i think it's supposed to be young joe yeah i think that's who that is Oh, is that what it is?

And they just used the guy that plays Pino? Or you saying the other guy? It's Pino with Young Joe. It's Pino with Young Joe. That's because he has a shitty hair piece. If they really did no work. Okay. Because there are no old pictures of Mickey Rooney that could have possibly used.

Can't do none. But never in front of a camera. Where are we going to find a picture of this guy? Rooney comes down here to this basement where where Noah is doing this investigation and he just this is where he gets to this massive glass of Jack Daniels and pours it and chugs it

and I was like that's real that's absolutely I also love he gets it out of and I mean like I don't know who he's hiding it from it's in a filing cabinet like that's not what a filing cabinet's for right like that's where you put your this is maybe why you're having so much financial problems that's where invoices should go accounts payable

receivable these kinds of things that's where you hide booze from the other employees, but there's a distinct problem here and that there are none. And your son's a robot, so so he doesn't want any. He only remembers that every once in a while. It's not the constant in his head. I think that's fluctuating

when I get in and out. I would like that add that to the movie of him like fluctuating, not knowing where he is or something. So he depends on Pino a little more. Oh, you know, funny. Oh, I guess yeah, Pino, Peno. I guess he could be like Pinocchio.

I named him after Grisio, you understand. That's my favorite. Where's the wise grasshopper? I'm going to go out to the woods and find me one. I would wager, though, that this bottle of Jack Daniels that we see him here, Steve, that he gets out of the filing cabinet, is not the same bottle of Jack Daniels that he also has under the counter upstairs when he's drinking later. And she comes in, Sarah comes in to yell at him later in the movie. And he's like, oh, oh, Sarah, what are you doing here?

well i mean that's upstairs downstairs the last thing you want to do when you're drinking full glasses of whiskeys is is traversing stairs to get more yeah yeah that's that's danger and i mean also you heard for a while actually i mean for a while i think paul shrader wanted to make affliction

and mick and runi might have just been getting ready for a test run here because that's what this this this role really does feel teleported in from that movie like this old drunk who can't leave his fucking place who's got a robot

son and you know just you your place robot son with real son who's also an alcoholic and you got it right there because I have actually unfortunately never seen infliction are there robots in that one or no there are no robots oh I thought there was at least one place it's like an air wick you want one in every room of that

it's true it's got a nice aroma as well Noah opens a trap door in the floor that he finds and much like fucking Professor Nobby's cabin and evil dead. There's a dude hiding in the basement and it's Pino and Pino's like just hiding

in the floor or whatever. We cut to the center at Coldwater which I dude I love pretentious names for malls the center at cold water. Fuck if there's a place where you got like a foot locker and a food court it's not the center at cold water it's the whatever

the fuck mall. Yeah and this is a good life lesson here this movie is educational because listen you take your kid to sit on Santa's lap anywhere, a mall, wherever. It's a weird drifter with a dubious back story. Exactly. Yep.

Absolutely. This is also Sarah's like, she made a list and she's like, all right, what are situations in which kids have to talk? Okay, school, that's out until the end of the year. He's not going to talk at the drive. He has to tell, all right, we're going to go tomorrow. We're going to be like anything we can to maybe nudge this kid

into talking. And there's no reason why he would just shut down around something around Christmas now would there be there's definitely no reason that would ever happen the background scene when we see Clint Howard this really did remind me of Joker this scene

it really was a weird moment I was like what the fuck and Todd Phillips absolutely is the type of guy who's seen a movie like this I'm sure he has but yeah just as far as like the shitty entertainers locker room scene that this basically is right absolutely and yeah it's

Clint Howard, they refer to him as Ricky. That is his character from the last movie. Although, in the last movie, Ricky dies. So I don't know what this is supposed to be. Great question. Somehow Ricky returned. Yeah, exactly. Maybe inside of you are two Rickies. But yeah, so Noah comes back and he's just like finished his shift.

And he sees that Derek is in the line here. So he goes back. And they're like, oh, how was your shift? He's like, oh, I only got pissed on twice. It's like, that's not a job for me. Yes, and he wants to see Derek, so he demands Clint Howard shift so he can go and take that client. I also think, you know, if the boss were around and, you know, every Christmas I do love to listen to Santa Land Diaries by David Sederas, a really funny story. I don't think, I do think he doesn't get into it, but I'm pretty sure there's got to be an unspoken rule like, you can't be switching shifts because you see a kid you're like.

That is like red flag number A1. It's okay. I saw him at petos. Oh, oh, can I take your shift? This kid I've been following around town is online. How much you want to pay me? How much you want to pay me to see your cute little friend? You can't, you know, even if you wanted to and wanted to take another kid or whatever, your pants are covered in piss, okay? Well, yeah, it raises the question, is there an ideal non-zero number of times that you wanted to get pissed on during this ship?

Yeah. I also love the guy in the background who decided. to go on Christmas with mom. It's like a teenager. Just wearing that reanimator shirt. You know what I mean? Just that's going to the mall too. And then so the little girl, right, who's like, I want this, that.

The other thing, I want the tape of bride of reanimator, she says, that you guessed it, Zoe Usna, Usna's daughter. Right here. Oh, yeah. The mom gets frustrated because Derek is not talking and, you know, still terrifying. and we got a little our buddy Boomy the Boom Mike comes in here you get the boom mic in your motion picture. Absolutely. Merry Christmas.

I do love that everybody's Boomy voice was exactly the same and that's fair. I have to, yeah, that's the point. Oh, man. You're all fans. This is the, this is the where, like, Clint Howard, if you're back there, dude, or like this girl

who's managing the kids coming up and whatever, when this dude is holding onto this kid going no don't go like you got to call mall security you got to call your village manager here the santa's village manager get this guy down here you know i think we got another fucking ex-employee of pedos working this week you would think the center would have it on tighter lock you exactly um but so this fucking creep we don't know anything about this guy other than he's this red herring creep watches them like from a balcony as they get in the car and leave. Got to say, this mother, man, curbside parking lot at a mall or parking spot at a mall, that's pretty lucky. She's right there. She put the sympathy card

in the dashboard there. My kid's dad just got brutally murdered in front of him zone. Right, yeah, exactly. She's got the funeral card in the window, so it's okay. Well, I see the card, and she's got the flashes on, but where's the rest of the party? So Pino, me,

while has broken into their house, we see he lifts up a rock and it says Pino 1975 and there's a spare key there, which this, by the way, like any lifetime movie, you know, when you move into your new dream house, change them locks.

Yeah, big one. But so he's walking around the house. We get some weird stuff here because like it's weird when you think back on it, I should say, because like we know now having seen the whole movie, this kid's a robot. Why is this robot? Why is this robot child smelling this lady's

bra? Just that's curiosity? This robot wants to fuck. I mean, we find that out in the last act. This robot really he doesn't have the materials to do so, but he would like to do it. Sure, sure. I mean, he's got a mouth. And I think Joe Petto is leaving money on the table. He should have just

hooked up with that motel owner and all right. Yes. I think it would work out very well for him. This guy is, Brian Brenner was like 24 and 91. So we're all all above board here, folks. I would hope so. And he's also

a robot, so it's, you know, it's fine. Oh, there's also that, yeah. He's smoothed down there, we know. There's a bump. I'm sorry, there is a bump. It's a very, very clear bump on this little bit. I'm sorry, Peter, I did all the work, all the, like, I did a lot of complicated work for the face, but the rest of the body's bullshit.

Like, I don't understand, like, the face is immaculate. It looks like a human. I was going on the Ken principle. Yeah, well, you know, I think because you're not intending your robot to do that, Steve, you know, I think it's the idea. But you're right. And, you know, we could talk about it here. Clearly, Pino's also pissed off about that, right? Because he says, like, at the end of the movie, like, my father was this great inventor and he made me, you know, so great and perfect.

And he was so great at building all the parts of me. Well, almost. And, like, he looks down at the bump. And I was like, yeah, so this dude is bumming. that he doesn't, you know, have some genitalia down there. But then I was thinking, were there, like, trial and error periods where, like, Mickey Reed was like,

I got to really make this fucking dick work for you, boy. It didn't work out. I'm just going to call it Larry the Larva. One pegging seminar would change the guy's life. Please. Just listen. Just be ready to listen. That's all I'm saying.

Just come in with an open mind. So Kim comes over. they get home I love by the way Derek runs up the stairs with like it's a I guess it's supposed to be like a glass bottle of juice

and his little stereo that he's got it just looks like this guy's getting home from a long day of work getting a beer out of the fridge nobody bothered daddy I have to go upstairs and listen to my tapes it's a great fake out that doesn't make a ton of sense

which this movie loves is because he I think the next door neighbor's like oh Sarah I think I saw someone in your house and Sarah freaks out and runs up. The kid can't call out. He's also not listening. He's laying on the floor, legs akimbo.

And he's just like, oh, no, what? I'm just listening to my music. This is how I like to do it. I like to lay on the carpet with a glass of juice and have my head my tunes on. That's what I like to do. Mommy, mommy, I'm doing my daddy impression. Mommy, was this what it was like when you found daddy on the floor?

Look. Here, I'll spill the juice to make it more realistic. and so at this point like Pino pops out of the closet and just runs out of there like terrifying bad move robot bad moves so she goes back to this toy store

this is what's great about this movie right like budgetary restrictions obviously like you get your big trips like to a mall and whatnot but for the most part it's like the toy store and their house which is fine we go back to the toy store

and this is where Mickey Rudy is chugging this glass of whiskey and it's so awesome he has the thing that like you know uh you see a lot of boozehounds and movies do and you know boozounds in real life where it's like you take that breath like that get ready breath like you're about to go off a diving board and he's just like and then just like chugs it all oh god it's great i'm gonna guess that's not iced tea in mickey rooney no no no i'm a method actor you see yeah that'll do so you want me to wallop the robot here is what you Is that right?

Okay, I'm just going to have some of my little iced tea here. You know what? If I'm Sarah, I've got a dead husband, a traumatized, currently mute son. I don't have time for Mickey Rooney's sob story. I'm just going to the cops. This little pervert

was a fucking jerk it off in my closet. I want you to bother him and make sure that never happens again. I'm not going over there myself. And I don't care what this little old drunk has to say. Do you want to be leaving the kid a alone again is my question to you here, Stephen. It's because that's

that could lead to that and it seems that every time that he is left to blown, either he is fudged with in some way or he pretends like he's dead in some way. Yeah. It's a or B. And I gotta say it's scarier to confront an old man like this and for him to be like, I used

to live in your house. Well, yeah, exactly. Dude, the way he's, because he's like, well, there's a perfectly good explanation for all of this and that's, I used to live in your house. And I was like, that's not helping. Call that. I'm in there right now. Call your house. I like to think this is a folksy hallmark kind of small town where people look out for

each other. Maybe confront each other first before bringing the law enforcement into it. Exactly. It really could. I mean, yes, I would like, what would this movie look like in the hallmark lens, Alonzo? Like, we're in evergreen glades. There is still Joe Petos. I guess is he still a toy maker that's making a robot son? You think that's too far a feel? You know, it's a bit of a stretch but, you know, like, they're really, they're really trying to branch out in a new

things. I think that we would have the ex-boyfriend who was a troupe introduced much earlier as much, rather than lurking around the edges and finally explaining him later. Like that's, you go right for the, oh yeah, my high school sweetheart and now you're back from Army, you know, like that

that would be your A plot, no question. Why hide a hunky troop, you exactly no exactly and thankfully you'll learn he's a troop early on so we can thank him for his service in the movie before we even get to the second act yeah sadly it would be too original to allow like a single mother you know a fresh widow defined romance with with with a no no you got any fresh widows i don't want any stales a very right off right off the vine yes uh widow obituary please ready to go like having her meet a toy maker who is just like a handsome toy maker who has to make making a robot son. That is honestly too original for lifetime. They just couldn't get there. Holmark would totally have the one black character be the guy who runs a hotel has two scenes and has ever seen it.

You would all you have to do is change out the dueling sex scene for dueling Christmas cookie making and we're both throwing, you know, flour on each other. That's fun. And the motel manager's car doesn't hilarious. explode for no other people. But so, yeah, she totally choose this dude out and she's basically just like, I don't care about you string of bad luck

or whatever. Understand this, she says. If it happens again, I will call the police. And when she's like yelling at him right here, this like, if you're trying to like snuff out this Canadian accent and like be like tough American, this is where she's doing it with just this, you know, like I will call the police. I will do it.

It's awesome. But yeah, it's just him, like she leaves. And again, Mickey Rooney, these great, like, the second the door closes, he like flips around. He's like, I'm going to go down to the basement and knock that one right between the ears. Because also what she does in confronting Joe Petto in this way is basically sanctioning child abuse because he's like, I'll make sure it never happens again. She's like, be sure that you do. And you know what's going on. Absolutely.

Yeah, come on, lady. Get the belt. I mean, he is yelling at him. He's trying, dude, Mickey Rudy tried to pull this fucking trap door up and like the kids pulling it back down and he's like, you gotta come out sometime. I'll be waiting for you. Remember, it's not that mean because he's not a real person. It's like you yelling at Alexa or whatever.

Right. Chicken your Roomba for, you know, missing something. Mickey's just mad that he forgot to install an off switch. Yes. How can I be so foolish? So we get We're back at the house again We get another

Derek's got a big present Don't open till Christmas And I gotta tell you This mom Sexy bathrobe for just Talking to your kid About a Christmas present I have to say

Not too shabby This wild Floral print bathroom She's got on But she thinks like You know Oh Derek remember I said No more presents till Christmas

Well You know What with you being traumatized And I'll Maybe just another one Before the big day This is the present That was left at the stoop

earlier that day that she just assumes that the neighbor got like if I get a stoop present I'm opening it myself I'm smelling it you know what I mean like this is where you call the cops because the last time this happened her husband blew up you know Alonso that's actually a great point and I wrote it in my notes right here when we have the second you know strange present being introduced at the house there's no moment in this movie no mention of like and the police are currently investigating what the hell happened to my husband the the lack of curiosity about what happened to this dude goes so far the murder weapon is just hanging on a shelf

in the house still they still have the red ball in the house the ball at the end of the murder scene retracts

into just the ball again and it looks I guess it looks like an innocuous ball the kid is mute so I guess

it's the idea is oops he fell and yeah oh you know it was one of those classic this happens

a lot and suburbia so be careful guys when you're come drunk around a fireplace you know what I mean he just

he just blow, you just blew his load, he's just got wobbly knees. Yeah. It's like he's out of fucking. The poker sticking all a kimbo, you just never know. Yes. Yeah, I mean, but it's just like one autopsy would be like, okay, yeah, like the thing that killed him was definitely the fire poker through the eyeball and thus brain.

Definitely. No question about that. However, it looks like he was like violently throat fucked by some sort of plastic device. Like you find your husband dead and you're like, well, that's a nice ball next to him. that's a nice shelf ball Let's put that on the shelf It's a memorial ball It's a cleanup before the EMTs get here

She's about She's giving it to him But then oops The neighbor comes by Kim shows up And this is the only time Like Kim is just like You know it's gonna take a while

Like Lord knows I've been through a lot And what that little Parenthetical statement means I was part of a cult A Sapphic cult That tried to kill me last Christmas There were worms

And you know Something something something Everything was really gross. Outright witchcraft was going on last Christmas. People were fucking spontaneously combusting. She yada yadaed the best part is what

I'm getting at here. Yes, yeah. And Clint Howard. Yeah, you cannot yada yada over spontaneous human combustion. You just cannot do it. It is a detail that people need to hear about. But Shittilani actually steals these rollerblades and

Derek throws it out and then that's right. Yeah. The smartest person in the movie. Yes. This kid trying to throw this present out the window is very funny. It's like, oh, well, it's not open enough. It won't fit out. I guess I'll have to take it downstairs. I was like, I don't know, kid. Just lift that window a little

more, dude. It's right there. Why is any of this happening again? Is Pino? Pino's doing it because he can't fuck? Like, what was he? I think he wants to get back in the house, maybe. He wants to be the kid again? Yes. He wants her to be the mother

and mother to me. Ghostbusters too Just be nice or something It just seems complicated It doesn't make so many of these toys But Lonnie takes these out of the garbage Like hey cool skates Cool garbage skates better put them on

Oh man And there is this We meet them here It's the baby later to be the baby sitter And her shitty boyfriend I love this scene Who are like kind of teasing the neighborhood kid I guess as they're walking around

Yeah well this was a little confusing Because like they know him Yes Like, I think they call him Lonnie, but just to complete the trifecta, you guys, this woman who goes on to be the babysitter, look up her name, but Usenah's wife, as a matter of fact. Wow. Yeah, so the whole damn family's in the movie. I got to say, with all that, I, I, Buck is not, Buck the boyfriend. Yes.

Not the coolest guy in the world, but he does have one of the greatest lines I have ever heard in my life. I agree completely. I eat shit like you for breakfast. That's why my shit smells so bad. That's the reason. That's the reason. Because this exchange is incredible because Lonnie's, he says like, how you do and squirt or something? And he's like, you blind or just dumber than you look.

And then Buck says, don't be a wise ass. I eat kids like you for breakfast. That's why my shit smells so bad. Excellent. This dude is on a date with his lady friend. Yes. To your point there, Andrew, they immediately start making out after he says this line. Dude, it's, like, she's impressed by this bit of comedy here because he turns, like, after he says the line, he sort of turns, like, right, baby?

And she's like, hey, ha, yeah. And you're just like, oh, man, she's shitty just like he is. Big time. While this rollerblading exchange is going on, they quickly cut back to Rooney wasted at the toy store, and he's slapping this robot around. And he's calling him a son of a bitch. and he bashes a fucking whiskey bottle over his head he throws him down the entire stairs all of the stairs

and now this is I know we've been we've been praising a lot of the crazy you know wild out there special effects of legend screaming Matt George however the most terrifying shot in this movie is all practical no special effects needed any way shape or form

Mickey Rooney feeling guilty about throwing his robot son down the stairs is like Are you down there, boy, what's going on? And you have this low angle shot looking up the attic stairs, or the basement stairs, rather, as Mickey Rooney is coming down these stairs, balls first towards the camera. And you were just like, oh, please cut away, please come. I'm coming to get you, boy, me and my huge dangling balls. Oh, what a beautiful ball. Let's put it on the shelf.

Reminded me one of my favorite Twilight zones, the I want to be big, because now it's a giant Mickey Rooney. you're totally right the low angle shot makes them look huge oh it's awesome uh but yeah this kids is outside with you know the kids sort of skates off and we sort of go back inside here for a two two seconds or whatever kim has left derrick is watching the previous film on tv at this point because you can hear clint howard i think giving some dialogue or whatever This is where Netflix got the idea To have all the Princess Switch Yes, the tangled Christmas universe

Christmas Prince Christmas Switch I've seen all three of those Christmas Prince movies By the Lord's oh boy They get better and better Dude part three outright witchcraft happens Oh part three has a much better Tango-related heist than Red Notice For like a quarter of the budget

So Sarah is like Look kid you got to grow up sometime it's now been two and a half weeks since your dad died horribly in front of you you have to sleep in your own bed tonight is the idea and so I guess it's like

where is she she's got to go to work I guess is the idea and that's why this woman is coming over to babysit yeah well you miss the most the most important part when the skates go haywire and this kid gets by a car oh yes I forgot about that

the roller blades get rockets for some reason. And this, this car hit could be a little bit better. To be honest, he kind of just falls into the windshield and we cut to the hospital with him all bandaged. Oh, at the hospital, bleeding through the bandages, like somebody wouldn't be on top of that and making sure that they were

being, you know, replaced. He looks like Dark Man. So last year, family annihilated by Clint Howard right in front of him. Has to want, almost sacrificed by a coven, has to move in with his his brother's ex-girlfriend and this Christmas hit by

a car in Dark Band. Pretty bad. Next year we're taking Christmas off. That's an origin story. Vacation. What fucking serial killer at Christmas does Lonnie become when all is said and done here? And I realized, by the way, why I was skipping the scene, Steve, because my

scene header just said, couple making out. Uh, yes. They do start this scene because they, he rollerblades pass them with the rockets and max them both over as the idea. And then they just start going, the roller skates going haywire is fun, but I kind of want, I agree with Eric, like, I want more from this seed. Well, this is just one of those things, too, where it's like, just fall over.

Yeah. Them rockets aren't going to do much if you just fall over. Yeah. But he's some, I mean, remarkably, Lonnie, for such a young kid, too, very powerful skater. He stands up the entire time, even against rocket force. Oh, I love it. but so yeah noah shows up at the house this is everybody's at the hospital noah shows up at the house

knowing no one's home i guess uh mom wise and he tries to give derrick this present and the babysitter like slams the door in his face right thing to do babysitter so far so good babysitter it's creepy as hell this guy off the street i just want to be your friend and this is a very special toy for you yeah very special toy for a very special boy nope nope no so after like out of an abundance of caution. Like this babysitter has rightfully slammed the door. Get the fuck out of here. Sarah's not here. Where is she? Well, she's at work. Oh, yeah? Where's that? Oh, here's the fucking address. And it's on

the fifth floor. I would do that. You could do that, but then you've got to call her and be like, yo, I just said to drift her your way. It was the only way to get him out of the house. I just want to let you know. Drift her are coming. Also, heaven forbid we know where Sarah works as far as like thank you. What the name of the organization? Just add an address. You know, that's all you need.

I need any detail whatsoever, but any of these lines. According to the trivia, the building that's used as the exterior was like the office building that was the company that was putting this out on VHS at the time. Absolutely. Like live entertainment or whatever? Yeah, this movie never graced a theater. You could just smell it. You know it.

I ought to call it dead entertainment. Oh, wow. So Sarah, walking in the scene. in this dark parking lot and this is like one of the most unearned turns I've ever seen in a movie

your standard creepy dark parking lot she's walking faster and faster you're the last one out of there I guess do you need to print new pages for the creepy parking lot scene or do you just have to take the other like is there just something in Hollywood like you just instead of flyers

inside of a one of those like newspaper plastic stands it's the parking lots you just grab oh I'll just grab that on the way And we'll do it. It's over the shoulder. The camera's over here. It's dark. It's funny.

Yeah, but you're right. Because when you're using like final draft, when you're writing a script, there's a button that you can just press and it adds in creepy parking garage scene. And then you can just keep going to give you information about Watergate. Right. That's a you have to buy the extra, you know. The custom job. Yeah.

Yeah. The snap on pack. It is worth the money. It is worth it, though. But she's like trying to get, you know, this loan car key. out of her pocket and put it into the door, she drops it, it falls in a fucking grate. And then here's Noah

creepily as ever, and it's like, Sarah, and he starts chasing her, and she's running away. Keyport, he emerges from the darkness, she sees him, and he says, Sarah, and then she runs. And like, runs, runs, he catches up with her,

grabs her, turns her around. And in a shocking reveal in this movie, they just start making out passionately, and she's cool with it. It's a music video. Like, you are compressing so much emotional knowledge I need to understand into such a small amount of time.

It's like 20 seconds. Later on, he even asked like, why did you run away from me? She said, I don't know. I just got scared. I'm like, no, I need more than that. You should have a face full of pepper spray at this point, frankly. She says, I couldn't believe it was

you. And it's like, all right, that's if like the dude presumed lost at sea or something like that. This is just a guy that left and now he's back. I thought you were a ghost for a sense. I thought you died in Nam. So you got to check

right baby? Oh, thank. Yes. Okay. I got the plane booked. We are going. We are out of here tomorrow with the kid, Hawaii. We are bound tomorrow, baby. Oh, it's more scary for the audience if they thought that you were a threat, but you're clearly not, even though I know who you are.

He just just like turned to the camera and be like, You're a red herring, and I needed to keep that up for just one more second. Yeah. Let me explain this to you. This dude is just like, so. It's been six years since I left. Give it to me straight. Am I actually Derek's father?

I was like, where is this movie going right now? Yeah, it's a great question. And she's got this whole thing like, oh, I wanted to finish college and start a career. And on top of wanting to also have the kid, keep the kid, and still do all that. I needed security, which you couldn't offer up. but the recently deceased Tom Quinn certainly could. I wanted to have a career upstairs at Place. Yes, thank you.

I was about to say we were just about to get a detail about, oh, keep going on, keep going, what's the career? What's the career? In what? Hi, this is Place. This is Cheryl. Yes, you want to talk to boss? Okay, I'll connect you.

Yeah, business, of course. Worldwide widgets. Hi, yes, this is receptionist. Just calling to let you know office is closed due to weather. Boss says Merry Christmas or whatever holiday is yours Hang up phone Oh that one I wasn't supposed to read

But the babysitter is reading Pinocchio to Derek wink wink Is everybody paying attention You get it? And of course he's a he can't speak so he can't Can you read anything else anything Other than fucking Pinocchio I know it's public domain but come on And so, like, we're in this car and he's like, I want to marry you.

I want to raise Derek. Let's start making out the dirty-ass trunk of my Jeep. Let's go. Let's fuck by these cardboard boxes. Why wait? Also, not to be, if you're Sarah, you can't be marrying this guy immediately. I think the insurance company is still watching this whole scenario. Whatever's going on.

If you just start hooking up with this dude, that's really his father. and he just comes back in the picture after being a drifter you're both going away absolutely absolutely dude and so this is you know the movie sort of gets

gets ready the checkered flags going and then all of a sudden John Williams' duel of the fuck starts playing because we have like so Sarah and Noah are getting down

in the back of this dude's fucking wrangler and then back at the house the babysitter and Beaufort or whatever that guy's name is Buck or whatever I'm sorry down Buck has a

I'm sorry This is a chiseled fucking ass Yeah It is too pretty I have never seen Such a pretty ass on a buck Ever in my life

It's the rare occasion Where you're like Tidy Whitties He's making them work Yeah man Something like maybe it's a diet It is a lot of I mean yeah

It's the rare sex scene Where the man's ass gets much more play than the ladies Which is you know It does Well I would argue that in this situation It's because the lady is the fucking producer's wife.

Yeah, that's a good point. No, no, no, the, the, the, the producer's wife is, like, one of the bystanders on the street. The woman playing the, the, the babysitter is a woman named Amy L. Taylor. Oh, okay. All right. So this is, this is much better than. I mean, he just, yeah, I think they just looked at. No, they saw his ass.

They're like, oh, well, we have to rethink this entire scene. You know, we're going to, we're going to close production for two weeks. We've got to figure this out. I didn't know. Those tiny white is going to work. Everything. That would be a good lifetime movie title. The producer's wife.

But the whole cross-cutting thing, it's like, oh, somebody saw Sammy and Rosie get laid, you know. Yes. So fucking finally, someone breaks into this house dressed as Santa Claus and starts walking around. And you're like, you're kind of doing the math right here. And you're like, well, the majority of the characters are wrapped up having sex with one another. The little boy we know to be upstairs. It's definitely not him. the motel manager blew up in that car.

Oh, it's got to be Mickey Rooney. Lonnie's in the hospital. Lonnie's in the hospital. The other Pino fell down the stairs. He's out. That morning when Mickey Rooney got to set, they gave him the Santa outfit. They're like, are you going to go address to Santa

to menace people at a scary movie? You think it is blackout drunk status. Was he just like, I'd write a letter railing against this seven years ago? It's just, oh, this seems awfully familiar. It's reminding me of something, but I can't. I can't think of what. I would love it. And I would say there's like a 40% chance of this having actually happened.

Rap day happens. All right, everybody. It's Mickey's last day on set. Usena comes up and he's like, hey, Mr. Rooney would just like to thank you for being part of this franchise that I'm kind of steering at the moment here. You know, it's an important franchise for a lot of people. I want to give you a little set gift, just a little thanks for being in the movie gift. And he opens it up.

And it's a laminated newspaper clipping of Mickey Rooney making a fucking stink of about the first movie. And he just goes, my, how times have changed mixture and slams it right in his face. I would just, I would love the idea of he gives him like a really, a really nice bottle

of whiskey knowing that, you know, he's, you know, he's a connoisseur and all this. But then Rooney looks at him and he's like, you know, with the same price, you could have gotten me six, Jack Dan. It's about the ball. He's just stuck with that little moment there. So, yeah.

Let me tell you about my affair with Norma Shearer. What if you? He leaves like a bunch of toys or whatever, like on the ground is the idea like right where the babysitter and Buck are getting down here. Weird thing that happens at the end of the other sex scene. They're just sort of laying there for a minute. Noah just like the actor playing Noah just like licks this. woman? Like the deed is done, man. I think, you know, like, he was

like, a camera's still rolling, whatever, a lot. Like, it's a really... You need some salt, you know. That's why intimacy coordinators are existed. They're a good idea. The random licks have gone down precipitously since they showed up. So it is Buck and the babysitter who win the duel of the fucks here

because their sex scene keeps going longer and includes lots of toy play but not the fun kind. Here comes fake arm crawling up this guy. fucking leg. This whole notion of like, I was confused and thought my girlfriend must have had three hands is pretty funny. But he's realizing the one, I think he's a little his sexual awakening takes away the three hands. It's like,

ass play is like, oh, whoa, hold on. Okay. His eyes are opening, dude. His eyes are opening right up. Not mad at this. No. I mean, he must be very happy that, I mean, it's a smaller hand. So, you know, it's good. It's for a beginner. You know, it's not It's not the girlfriend's full hand. I really wish it was Mickey Rudy, man. Goochy goo. That's also a small hand that can reach all your nukes and crannies.

It's true. Very specific in his writer, though, about that is not on the table. I mean, this is so funny, though, because it's like one of the, she says, or he goes like, oh, you never touched me there before. And she goes, touched what? At that point, you have to at least look over your shoulder just to make sense. Sure. Yep. There's a kid in the house. You just got to be absolutely sure. She's also like, where did all these toys come from? Ah, they were here when we got here.

No, they weren't. Yeah, they were here. It's a kid's room. Come on now. The kid walks and this is great. Derek walks in and it's just like, he's still not talking, but it's like a again. He's just like, backs out of the room. I know what's going to happen now. And robot Mickey Rooney puts him in a red sack at this point, which is, and I got to give it to Mickey Rooney, you know, he does know enough to make his face look robotic when it's time to be robot Mickey Rooney. You know what I mean? He's not that at least. Yeah. No, it's like, yeah, I can do that.

I can just stand there and not move my face at all. Sure. So the toys start going crazy here. This toy snake binds this woman's hands. The fake arm starts choking buck out here. This toy that looks like something the shredder would have made Ninja Turtles. Like this slices his foot. Battlebot is what I wrote down for this.

Oh, yes. Yeah, it very much looks like a battlebot. It's not a battlebot. Shreddermobile, either one will do. The most shocking one is the tank that shoots this girl in the chest. I was shock right. Dude, I thought I was watching a fucking Vietnam flick or something. Her chest just blows right out. It gets very bloody here.

This is, by the way, a full disclosure, I watched this movie on a plane yesterday. Oh, God. Flying back from Thanksgiving. This was the part I fast forward. I was like, you know what? I'll watch that part tomorrow. Did you get dirty looks from the Grampies going home? No, I did not. Again, like this was the part. I was like,

what's the dueling sex? I went from dueling sex scene to the end of the movie, basically. Dude, it would be awesome if like you did that and like the person next to you leans over and it's just like, you don't got to fast forward. I was joy in it. The craziest part, which I think somebody must have like

somewhere changed it last minute because the woman falls down. She's on her, on her buttocks Her legs are spread wide. She's in her underwear. And this, like, I don't know, like, drivable monster guy with one eye and big chopping teeth comes rolling towards her, goes between her legs,

and then starts chopping her left eye. And it's like, all right, somebody somewhere was like, we're not doing that. Yes. The one-eyed monster going for her crotch. Incredible. Restraints.

But, yeah, you know what that thing looked like? Do you guys ever play? It was a game. I had it when I was a little kid. I had it when I was a little kid. It was like a crocodile dentist, I think it was called. Oh, yeah, crocodile. The game was like you sort of carefully pulled like teeth out of a crocodile. And like if you, it was sort of like operation rules.

If you did it the wrong way, the thing would clamp down on you. This toy looks exactly like that, which was very unsettling. I thought that somebody would have a lawsuit because this was exactly like those monster balls, those squishy balls. Mad balls. Oh, mad balls. It looks like exactly like what a nice ball Let's put it on the shelf Yeah you're right though Steve

I think somebody took a look at that cut And they were like you know what I know it's direct to video And I think it's cool But we need people to want to rent this movie guys You gotta change that It isn't we want people to watch this at Christmas Let's just you know what

I was screaming Matt George It was fantastic work some of the best stuff you've ever done But it's just not for this movie We're trying to make a holiday perennial here let's make sure we get an edit in after using his edit let's make sure he gets his in and then we come in afterwards but yeah gets her the thigh we kind of just cut there the guys get sure up to shit by this super shorter plane thing

it's a pretty cool death like he really gets fucked up which is not too shabby and uh we got we got this drive back to the house from the office and noah they're just he's telling about you know this is where he's like oh joe petto was arrested for maiming a kid with toys And, yeah, he was booby-trapping all his toys. And I think one could even died less. It kind of sounds like he's almost telling like a tall tale about this guy.

Yes, exactly. And it would have been kind of a cool thing. It was like it turned out like it was all just bullshit. And somehow like Mickey Rooney winds up dead at the end of the movie. And it was like, oh, he was just an innocent toy maker all along. And this urban legend destroyed him. Oh, uh, you actually don't even get like the twisted scene where like Mickey Rooney's drinking whiskey. It explains like, I fell in hard times and blah, blah, blah.

And then I had to build. Like I need that scene And Mickey Rooney could do that scene And then you can kill him But we don't do that Because it's this weird Like this as so the story goes He went off the deep end

Says Noah After his pregnant wife died in a car crash Right And so you know Obviously like fatherly Whatever he wants this kid But like Why did you make like a grown adult

Like why is Pino a grown adult You know If you like And then you're kidnapping this other kid I thought the whole thing was like Oh I'm gonna transform Derek into some sort of Derek robot and he's going to be my little Pinocchio-esque son

instead of this 30-year-old man that I have playing my little boy robot guy or whatever. My juvenile delinquent robot didn't work out. Exactly. So they get to the house, they find the babysitter. She's covered in blood, and she's like, oh, the toy maker took him. So basically, Sarah rushes off to confront the toy maker at Joe Petto's house. This is where we get the cool, like, apartment situation going here.

Yeah, you got some real Texas chains. saw massacres shit in this apartment, though. This armless talking doll that's just stuffed in a birdcage. Good God. No, thank you. So this is, again, like the motivations a little wishy-washy here. Unless I was looking at this wrong,

she stumbles across a photo of Derek where there's a knife in his face. Great question. And it's like, why does Mickey Rooney have such a problem with this kid? Pino does because he wants to become Derek. You understand. Oh, right. That's right. But why does he pick this mom?

of all moms to The house is the question Oh, right. And she, let's be honest, she's a 10, everybody. Come on. Well, sure. And they mentioned, like, what Joe Petto had a pregnant wife in the Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does make

breakfast just the way that he likes it. I do, this is the creepiest scene in any movie. It makes this movie worth it. Mickey Rooney in the Santa costume confronting Sarah and going, Mommy. pretty and you're just

your balls go right inside your body they're just like you know what let's close up for business oh man she's got this like prop head too yeah right like this this head falls down and you're like oh cool another death happened in this movie but it's like a prop guy's face

or whatever or a prop of a guy's head and it's just sort of like squishes it yeah and then dude yeah Noah opens this door and dude Mickey Rooney squirt in this dude in the face with a water gun that I guess has acid or maybe his own piss in it? I don't know. No, it's just, probably whiskey.

That's what you have at hand. It's either whiskey or piss because the guy's face isn't like horribly scarred by the end of it. Piscy. Yeah, maybe it's a little of both in there. That's my version of an iron old palmer. Yeah, I ran out of, I'm running out of whiskey. I split it with some piss and it's piss. Make a

home brew, if you know what I mean. If it's, it's an unlabeled bottle, it's pissy. If it's a label bottle, it's probably the real stuff. Pino, you better not been drinking my dick beer. But this is the big... Let's get to the end of this movie, please. He peels his face off and then Pino puts his face on.

This is pretty cool. The face swap was pretty sweet. I thought this was pretty cool. And he explains, you know, you have to be my mother. And he explains, you know, Daddy didn't make me perfect. He just starts humping her with this like nothing going on. And to say, Mommy, while he does it. Yeah. And this is the version that Brian Eugner wrote to make it more Christmassy.

This is the line he does have the line right here. My father could make anything. Well, almost anything, looking down at his crotch. Amazing. Whilst getting humped, she puts a screwdriver in his head, right? Something like that to stop him. She bashes him over the head with something. I think it's a screwdriver.

And you see, I love all the animated like little force lightning that's going. on here, the little electricity. It's so cool. But yeah, so Pino starts sort of like stabbing. There's a bunch of like Santa sacks sort of hanging from the ceiling. Pino starts stabbing them. One of them as Derek. You'll be pleasantly

surprised. I mean, don't go slashing sacks. You know, you're going to need those later. It's a good point. Important. But so while this is going on, like oh, the knife's getting really close to him. She starts going like, oh, no, it's okay.

kill him, don't kill him. You can come home with me. You can be my son, Pino. This is fine. Uh-huh. And this is what, basically what's he called, little Derek comes out and goes ape shit on him, which is kind of fun. He starts saying, leave her alone or whatever. So it's a big cathartic moment. You know what this

is though, Steve? I thought about this exactly. I'm not even bullshitting. I thought about, so he cuts open the Santa's bag there and this kid jumps out, and like gets on his back and whatever. I'm not joking with you, Steve. What I thought about was you've told this story before

you were taking out the garbage at purchase a hundred years ago and you opened the dumpster by our dorm apartment and a fucking raccoon jumped down. I immediately thought about that when this scene happened. That's what would have happened to me if I didn't

jump back. The three of them put the kibosh on Pino here and yeah he dies at Joe's side. By the way, yeah, Mickey Rooney's body's fucking falling out on the floor at some point. Yes, we realize that he's been murdered.

And like, yeah, it's just kind of that. And it's like, oh, we've all learned a valuable. And she's like, he's like, who are you to Noah? Which is a great question that I, the audience has been asking the whole time. Mom, who is he to which the two of them just start having a very hallmark esque laugh at the end of this movie, by the way.

Funny story. Oh, it's so, and then like, because it's a horror movie, you got to come right out of the family niceness here. And the fucking robots still moving and Sarah stamping Pino on the head and she just screams die you son of a bitch oh it's so great

and then yeah just this weird like they all walk out of the the basement office here and the kid kind of comes back in to sort of like take one look around or whatever and he's like don't be afraid it's only a toy mommy and then some other robot starts laughing and force lightning eyeballs

oh it's crazy Setting up a potential Pino 2 that never occurred, right? No, I know. No. No. This franchise, I believe, was dead until 2012 when they put out Silent Night, which I watched on Tooby recently. Oh, it's crazy, right?

Pretty crazy. The Malcolm McDowell remake? Yes, yes. I'm seeing the second remake this week. Oh, yes, coming out. Oh, that's right. I haven't seen the 2012. Tell me what was the movie.

it's not very good but there's insane violence to it yeah it's just another it's a dude killing people on christmas it's sort of like loosely a remake they kind of there's a lot of uh there's like garbage day reference there's another reference to oh the um they totally redo the part from the first one where the grandfather like grabs the boy and he's like christmas eve's the most danger like that happens again it's coming for you yeah it's it's that like to a tea and then kind of goes off on its own thing about like um this woman who's like she's like the sheriff's deputy or whatever um oh man i can't think of her name uh jamie king yes jimmy king she's actually pretty good in it so it's like her sort of dealing with a slasher in the town and malcolm mcdowell's like

the sheriff who like doesn't believe that shit's gone crazy but the kills are crazy and it's like it's a nasty ass movie too like it's really yes it's a mean movie most notable for the wood chipper kill, which is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Available on tubing its entirety. Unedited. But yeah, that is where this just ends. You know, the dead robot

sparking up. That's the end of it. But we'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts. And Alonzo, we'll start with you. And once again, man, plug the awesomeness of the book and where people can get it. Sure. It's have yourself a movie little Christmas. It's the revised and updated edition available. Wherever you get books, you might find it easier to find

online at your favorite book purveyor. but, you know, try a bookstore, you never know. Maybe they'll come through. But, yeah, it's got, you know, more than 100 new titles from the, added from the first edition. So if you've already got the book, you will find a lot more to discover here. And I hope you pick it up.

My thoughts on the film are, uh, golly. I mean, you know, they have chosen a bit and they have committed to it. I'll give them that. And I think the casting of Mickey Rooney adds a whole layer. of weird to it. Yeah, I don't, I don't, you know, the Venn diagram of the screaming mad George effects and, you know, MGM contract player,

I think is a pretty small oval. So that's kind of groovy. I'm glad I saw it, but I don't know that I'd recommend it anybody. Yeah, there you go. Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. Steve Saneck. This is my second time through.

I still, I've been, I watched it a couple of years ago and I watched the fourth one and I was like, oh, I see it's the fifth one. That's insane. It's fun. You know, it's, it's stupid. it's pretty short I think for a holiday horror

you could do worse there's some pretty good kills the mad George effects the Mickey Rooney of it all it kind of doesn't make a ton of a sense don't watch it on a plane but watch it I think fair enough

Chris Cabin yeah I think this is just weird enough to keep your interest you have two options with movies like this it's either play it straight and try to make it either good or just play it safe

and they just be like here's a kill let's get out of here as quickly as possible. And then you have this option, which is just make it as weird as fucking possible. Just shove as much nonsense in there as you can. And like,

honestly, it keeps your attention more than a lot of the others. Like, this to me is much better than the second one, which is mostly the first one plus a couple new scenes. Yep. This is just much more creative. And I enjoyed myself the whole time.

A wholeheartedly recommend it. There you go. Mr. Cisco. Oh, yeah. It's crazy that this is one of the better ones in the franchise. I think I like four more but you know yeah so it's not very good it's full of nonsense but you're going to waste your time anyway so watch it it's a curio have fun out there I think four is better I'll agree with you there too oh okay yeah maybe I should go back because I've been I've been saying I was kind of favoring five but four is equally wild this movie no spontaneous human combustion so I will give part four of that but yeah I will I will with all my full throat

to recommend this movie because I've said it places like the Big Dead of Dispatch and elsewhere on the air. I feel like holiday horror is in such a rough place in some areas see our crampus episode from last week.

So this was kind of refreshing in that way. Like it's garbage. It knows it's garbage. And it's putting its best foot forward to make entertaining holiday garbage. And I love entertaining holiday garbage. And yes, I own this on Blu-ray. So it will be a big recommend for me as well. But that is going to do it for this week's episode on Silent Night Deadly Night

Five. But don't worry, we still have a bunch of holiday shenanigans to get to around the old WHM offices here. Like, by the way, something not holiday related. I'll get that out of the way on Patreon. We Love Movies this month was all about Avatar 2, The Way of Water. Real fun episode there. We kicked the month off with that sucker. You're not going to want to miss that.

Also, I should say, always up top it, with this one. But if you want episodes like Silent Night, Deadly Night 5, Colin the Toymaker, but just without them pesky commercials, Patreon.com slash we hate movies is where you can find that as well. But like I said, we have been holiday out the ears here

on We Hate Movies, including Steve Saneck, we had an animation damnation. That was a pretty traditional selection. We did. The Rankin'Bass animated Frosty the Snowman episode. We had a lot of fun. That's a big one. It's almost an hour, kind of by accident. There you go.

the magician every time it's 25 minutes on that pervert uh speaking of perverts Chris Cabin uh on once in a lifetime it was also snowman related content is indeed we are talking hot frosty and we are there are four experts in the house talking about can you or can you not fuck a snowman this is a very i think a ripe conversation very funny but also you know intellectual we really try to get into the nitty gritty with it that is right uh and if you You are listening to this Silent Night, Daily Night 5 episode on the day it comes out, which is the 16th. Just two days from now on the 18th, Eric Siska, we got a really kick-ass gleep glossary locked and loaded. We are talking about Biggs Darklighter because, you know, it's sort of like you go home for the holidays.

You think about your one friend that motivated you to get out of the house and then he got killed. Yeah. So it's sort of that. We're just memory lane on the Gleap Glossary this month. Of course. That's right. And the Christmas magic does carry over a little bit on the Melward. 2.10, Chris Cabin. It is indeed. We are continuing to kidnap

babies, which is keeping with the Christmas spirit, as we all know. 9-0-210, of course, still banging along. But it is really having a hard time keeping up with the trash fire that is Melrose's place. And it's really going high. We're going to blue flame these days. And this, we should say, so this is coming out on this coming Friday, if you're listening to this on the 16th, this Friday the 19th, that comes out. And it is the very special two Melrose Place episodes in one episode so we could talk

about the Melrose Place Christmas episode where Amanda gets visited by a ghost. Speaking of, nothing we were just talking about, but we also do the Nexus, which is our Star Trek side show, which this month we're doing an episode where data tries to date a lady and it doesn't go well. No surprises there. And very importantly, We were also doing a syncable commentary on one of my favorite documentaries of all time. One of the most fun documentaries you could watch. The King of Kong. So much fun.

Yes. So look out for the Nexus on the 26th of December. And then the 29th, just in time for some New Year's Eve entertainment, King of Congmentary, colon, a fistful of quarters. I'm very excited to make fun of that dude's beard and hair combo, Billy, whatever. life. Billy Mitchell. There it is. Yeah, I know that's going to be a lot of fun. Make fun of his name too. B.M. Fucking dude smoked them. Nailed it. That is it. Next week, the holiday fun continues. Steve Sadek. We're doing something pretty cool for the week of Christmas. That's right. We are reaching into our Santa Claus bag here and unlocking a sack. It's called a sack.

It's a sack. It's a sack. It's a sack. We're going in Santa Claus bag here. We're unlocking. It's a sack. We're going in Santa Claus bag here. It's a sack. We're going in Santa Claus bag. sack, ladies and gentlemen, to pull out his testicles. No, we're pulling out. Hello. A previously Patreon locked episode on Ron Howard's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We thought it was a perfect time to do

so. Perfect holiday listening. If you're traveling or if you've got, you know, family that's driving you nuts, this will be Christmasy, but fun as well. So until next week, when we're unlocking our Ron Howard Jim Carrey Grinch episode, I've been Andrew

Chipin, Steven Sanak, Eric Sisko, Chris Cabin, Alonso Duraldi, take it easy.