We Hate Movies - S16 Ep838: Terror Train (1980)

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

“All I can think of, is this movie doesn’t know what it’s doing…” - Eric On our final episode of the year, we’re joining Jamie Lee Curtis and David Copperfield aboard the… Terror Train! Is this one of the better New Year’s Eve-set horror movies or… not so much? How incredible is Jamie Lee, even in this level of horror dreck? Is Hart Bochner’s character diddling dead bodies? Is renting a party train a feasible means of entertainment these days? And why are they dressed up for Halloween on New Year’s Eve? PLUS: Way, way too much close-up magic here, folks!  Terror Train stars Jamie Lee Curtis, Ben Johnson, Hart Bochner, Derek McKinnon, Sandee Currie, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, Vanity, Joy Boushel, and David Copperfield as The Magician; directed by Roger Spottiswoode. Don’t miss us next year on the road when we hit Los Angeles (2/22), Minneapolis (3/20) and Chicago (3/22) this winter. Click through to get your 🎟️ now! Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro.

This week on the program, is this the only slasher to feature extended sequences of magic throughout? It's Terror Train. I'm Andrew Jupin. You'll want to take a transfer from the Terror Train. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into what is our final episode of 2025, so we had to pick one that was sort of related to New Year's Eve. This is Tara Train from 1980, directed by Roger Spottiswood, who you know as the director of previous episode, Turner and Hooch. Stopper, My Mom, will shoot. also previous episode he did Air America he did Tomorrow Never Dies

He did previous episode The Sixth Day And he wrote 48 hours Oh yeah Wow What a filmography Totally We'll be seeing a lot of him

All throughout the life Going back to the spot It's Woodwell A regular What do you do in New Year's Eve? Well I'm taking a train With a bunch of my friends And we're gonna dress up

Like Halloween for no fucking reason And there's gonna be a magician there Oh yeah And there's gonna be a very surly old conductor. Well, this is what medical students do, I guess. It's a suicide soda of holiday celebration, I guess.

You got Halloween in there. You got New Year's kind of. Like, there's the classy folks that have just like an eyes wide shut kind of mask on. Yeah, like a masquerade. Yeah, because you're going to get down to some fucking that night. Exactly. And that's totally fine.

But like, balls drop. Lizard guy and like groucho marks guy. Right, those are known sex people. Yeah, lizard guy is. into it. I guess so. I was definitely getting it. But as far as being on theme for a New Year's Eve style event and not a fucking Halloween party. He threw some cream pies

if you know what I'm saying. I don't think it's known going into the party that everybody's fucking the way an eyes wide shut party. Everybody knows everybody's getting down in some way. Either they're watching or they're doing. Right. This, I don't know if that's as known on the terror train

Holiday Express. Is that what this is actually called? Oh, come aboard the terror train. No, this is like a hey, it's a fun medical school party. The question is, where does it start and where? I guess it starts to add to school. Like, where are they going? Who the hell knows? And then we're in Atlantic City for the weekend, baby. What they say it at one point when they're trying to figure out like if they can back the train up when he thinks he's found like the first

the conductor's like, there's a dead boy on this train. And the guy says something about like, we can't back it up because we'll back up slower than the train behind us is coming. So we're not going to make it to the rail switch off area in time. So we got to keep going to the end of the line, which I think it's just a thing where you rent this train. Sure. And for an overnight ride, they just take you like to the

next Canadian town. Right. This is an excursion train. It's not like an Amtrak. It's not like a train you actually travel on to go places. Got it. Even though, I think the Catskills has one of these. It's just like hey, look outside. And usually you do that during the day. Yeah. For all the leaf peeping and whatnot.

Either we're going to have a party horror party kind of movie here or We're going to have an unstoppable kind of movie going on here of just backing up and another train trying to get on us. It's going to be what you picked your movie, Spottis Wood. I don't care. Yeah, I would totally fucking rent a train for the night and have like a big party on it. There's like there's like, you know, like cabins that you can go in and whatnot and like sleep and everything. I've always wanted a sleeper cabin.

I've always wanted to do that. It's actually surprisingly expensive every time I've looked at it. Of course it is. I was like, why would you want to do the thing with like a lesser car? carbon footprint, have a cool alternative way to travel, and it's just as expensive, if not more than planes? I think they do it on the honeymooners, and I've always

been like, that looks pretty cool. It's free, actually. You know, you'd get the freight train. Oh, okay. Sure. I mean, it's a lot in Europe, you can get it much easier, weird. Oh, did you believe it? Strange, strange. But I did the, I didn't do

like an actual cabin where you can sleep, just you. And the first we did, it was like four. Oh, okay. Where are you in roommates? Yeah, I had like roommates for a night. Oh, the bunks with the... Yeah, the bunks. That's what I'm talking about. That's not too bad.

That's what I have. No, no, no. I need the privacy. I know, Eric. You got some fat crowd over there? No, it was two college students who went to bed way before I did. Really? Yes.

And were they scared of you? I don't know. I didn't pay attention to their doings. I want to know these dynamics. You'll want to steer clear of fat crowd. Oh, did you have fat crowd coming to a fucking cinnamon here. That was a different cabin. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I just, I've always kind of wanted to sleep on a train and I would do the private car thing, there's absolutely no way I'm sleeping with strangers near me. I know you've all slept on trains. The New York City subway system. Yes, in my 20s that was what I did. Practically for a living. That's the whole experience pretty much, right? Never lost your wallet.

Somehow. One time I went out with Andrew and another friend of ours and I was living in the Bronx at the time and I went, it was in the East Village. I got on the Sixth Trade in the East Village and I fell asleep promptly to go to the Bronx. I went all the way to the Bronx, which is the end of the

line all the way I woke up one stop earlier than I got on the train like four hours later it was like the worst kind of time traveling and folks at home if you don't know the sixth train is a local train so it stops at a station like every three minutes or so it was a long ride for our sleepy friend and the conductor whomever let me stay in pelham bay for like whatever while they swept it or didn't sweep it yeah totally zonked out and went all the way back well you know people get mad when we talk about real places, so let's get back to the nether realm of fucking terror trade.

This is a non-existent location. Yes, it's Canada. Well, it's a, it's a Florida for a while, right? Because they're gators. There's gators paraphernalia fucking everywhere. I don't know where you're taking this train them in an hour where there's snow everywhere.

I don't get it. But like there's a, like she has a gator's jersey on at one point. There's a bunch of gate, what's it called? Square, the triangular things, flyers.

Oh, like pennants? Penance. That's one of them. Yeah, but the strange, might as well say Ottawa or busts. That's, yeah, but that's, yeah. Because also there's a bunch of X-Files actors in this. So I was like, oh, we're Canada. Yeah, oh, it's, this is, this is, this is, uh, folks will tell you is qualified as

Kinnuxploitation. Oh, interesting. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know if that's actually true. No. Well, I guess this is my bloody Valentine would be in that, that world, right? That's a very Canadian movie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, I would argue, is more Canadian than this. Yeah. This one's a little, it's a little sheepish, because you got Jamie Lee It's not working class enough either That's the other thing

I think you need that So we do open on this vague medical college It's the 80s we gotta start at a bonfire If it's a horror movie we have to start at a bonfire Sigma Phi Omega Sigma Phi Omega We're all 35 now We're all 35 now

Oh yeah dude And you get Jamie Lee is one of these students There's all these like frat it's a frat party So there's all these frat pledges wearing these like tweedle dumb hats Man just like counting me out of any fucking Greek life interest like god damn

never have it never will certainly passed our prime now for Greek life on a college campus well I don't know about that you're inspired by old school you rewatched recently back to school oh yeah but you don't have a child to do the main thing I'll pick up a child on my way there

you get a kid on the way but also dude he doesn't mean triple lindy sure so stunt double not needed I have not I've seen you on the board, so I can't speak to it. Yes, well, you will one day if you're lucky. The thing that's sort of really super Canadian-fies this, though, is Canadian Dream, Hart Bockner is like this sort of male lead here, although I'd argue the craggly old conductors, like the actual male lead.

Ben Johnson, number one in the cast listing. I think he was the one that had been around the longest. So Hart Bockner's nickname is Doc, which is interesting because they're all. doctor. Yeah, but he called it first. Yeah, yeah. It's like me calling you podcast. Oh, dude. What's up, pod? Pod. Yeah, pod. Hey, cast. How you doing? Uh, yeah, so it's like the idea.

I'm tour. He's Doc and I'm tour. I. I. We're friends. We do work together. Oh, they said on each other's shoulders being of a doctor. Oh, yeah. Uh, but so Hart Bachtner as Doc, he's sort of like the stud leader of this group and he sort of is seen giving a little signal to Jamie Lee like here we go kind of a deal and we you can smell what's going on a mile away. This is a fucking sexual humiliation prank

one of the one of the grimest and greatest as far as cinema's concerned I'd say. That's Greek life right like you have to put pickles in your butthole. Play with corpses yeah yeah the whole deal something eat cum whatever else. It's a lot of eating come it's just it's this weird thing

it's like oh man it's pledged that you got to get laid and it's like and then you can take your hat off. It's like, oh, dude, I got laid this morning. You didn't see it. It was amazing. She left. No, we got to watch. I need proof. Lade myself. Exactly. Lade myself in the shower not two hours ago. Let me take

this hat off. It's just so fucking, I got to fucking call you, sir, and get you drinks just so we could be vague friends. Exactly. No way. It's this like master servant relationship. It's very feudalism. Homorotic. And just do the you just do the homerotic without being

You suck this dude's dick if you want. You could do that without living in the same house. I mean, that's all there. Happens all the time. You suck this dude's dick and then you go home to your own house. It happens every day. And then you study and you get A's. But like it's also just a need to be punitive.

Like the men at that age love that. They have a need for it to punish other people. And also a practical joker, as I've always said, lowest rung of society. Yeah. This is a real extreme case though, man. Yeah, it is a serious. practical joke so we get in there and well we set it up first because he's like

heartboxer's like talking to some one of the other guys like and I shake my hand and he has like this dead arm thing and it's like oh is that really is like well it ain't is the pope catholic so you're like so you you learn in 30 seconds this dude is fiddling with dead bodies yeah yeah the kind of guy I want my med school and sorry to break it to everyone this is what's happening I'm sorry but when you pass away it's going to be a sad day just No, there are people fiddling with your body. I'm telling you, it's going to happen. Or they put you a fucking 10 to a fucking urn like that other, an HBO documentary.

Stock them five high, dude. Then light that fire up. I don't mind it. I don't mind a mass burning or a mass burial. That's fine by me. You a couple of grannies, a couple cats all in one earn. You just don't want to be fiddled. Yeah, what do I care at that boy?

I just don't want to be fiddling. I want my holes intact when they burn. If you don't care about the burning, why do you care about the holes? They're not your holes anymore. When I'm burnt, when I'm burnt and ashes mixed with other people, that's not getting this guy off. It's fair. In my mind. He doesn't want to sexually please anyone that he doesn't.

No one. But you know that guy from the crematorium documentary was just fucking spluging on those ashes, dude. Well, you're not escaping it. You are going to be molested in the afterlife. Yes, I'm the one that recognized that first. I'm just letting everyone else know what's going to happen. Sure. No, no, that's important.

So what else is going to happen is this dude can't even. nerd is gonna get laid tonight my friends and he's being led up here and Jamie Lee is like gone and there's like another lady friend I think this is Mitchie who's like oh come on he he so like the tees are going on you're like this guy's going to be sexually humiliated

he gets to the top of these stairs why does the second floor of this frat house why is it decorated to look like a construction site slash car accident because there's all these like saw horses with flashing lights on them like there was a road emergency they stole them all from it's kind of fun to put street

signs up indoors isn't it in your college right not a fucking a sawhorse with a flashing light on ferris bueller did some of that yeah it's Canada I don't know what they do art installment like bullshit that's like the only thing I could think of just I all I could think of is this movie doesn't know what it's doing well is that I was kind of taking it as like they wanted to like decorate the place and make it look sexy for this encounter but all they found was construction acquaintance. That's a hard thing to do it. It is so weird looking. You even find out because Mitchie,

Jamie, Jamie Lee's, is it Ilana or Alana? Elena. Elena is like, hey, I don't want to, like, is this going to be okay? She's sheepish because she's the good girl, you know, she's the one we're going to root for. And she's like, what is in the bed? It's like, oh, don't worry about it. Wouldn't you smell it? Wouldn't you just, wouldn't you just sense it in the room?

Something's off. Maybe if you're a med student, you're dealing with corpses all day. It's kind of just... Your nose is like totally fried kind of a deal. You don't even notice. Like a litter box in a cat house. Exactly. Would they even, but would they like maybe try to perfume it a bunch?

Maybe. Yeah, it's true. Give her the old Mrs. Bates. But even then I feel like you would smell the mixture. Like, yeah, yeah, I'm with you. The corpse smell would be pretty significant. Hard to forget. Yeah.

Well, this guy's so fucking horny though. He doesn't notice what's going on here. Well, he's definitely, he's being forced to do this. This is forced horniness if I've ever seen it. But, like, when he gets it, he's ready to go. Here's the thing. Sign that you may be the victim of an upcoming sexual prank or sexual humiliation. One year and a frat.

One year in a frat. So that's your, you know, open season. But then also just like, I don't know, if you're going into a room and the person you are planning to sleep with is like, you can't see them. You can only kind of hear them. Don't get down to your tidy whitties until you know that that person is definitely there. is the huge mistake. Do not take off all your clothes. Like you're going to go see the doctor or something.

Exactly. You do that together. Yeah. I think I would trust my wife at this point with a blindfold. No one else. No. No, no, no, no. So they're not in my teenage years.

Everybody else is telling me mostly that this lady wants to fuck me. It seems like it's more that it's not Jimmy the Curtis that's saying it as much as good. I keep hearing it from others, but I haven't heard it from Elena herself. That would put some red alarms up, I would. hear it here right she's in the other side of this curtain yeah kiss me canny they're orthodox I assume kiss me yeah

she's doing so she's like this is my first time too it's okay oh that's humiliating and he goes in and it is just a fucking old lady corpse that has that has already dismembered yes what do you call it their autopsy it's all autopsies

this is like this why I don't trust doctors this is what they're doing and they're in college where did you first find this out. Well, my uncle's a doctor. Oh, so he brought you to the... Trust me, it happens. Is your uncle a doctor? Oh, okay. Oh, never mind. You are going to be okay. You're going to be totally fine.

My uncle said he fucked corpses, so then... I know he didn't. I just assume he did. I see. This is when I stop hanging out with Doc. Like, this is not just Jamie Lee. I'm talking Mitchie. I'm talking the whole gang. Yeah. Because if this is Doc's idea of a good time, you are either buying into it afterwards or

and forever... You should be murdered or you leave you join lambda lambda lambda exactly you get it you get your sexual revenge that way instead of murder like Dungeons and dragons and weirdly impersonate cooler guys to have sex with right yeah dude but I gotta say so this dude like he gets up and he's freaking out and he gets it's a it's a four post bed and they have like little curtains over it and he's getting like wrapped up in these curtains and he's all naked and they slow mo this dude but like it's in real time while he's screaming so it's like a

and it sounds like a lion roar and this guy's just writhing in these bed curtains and I could have really used like three years later or any information in between no we do get literally three years later did we really? Yeah yeah yeah I watch this on tubi and I don't think I have it. Oh too maybe I was a little bit not looking at the screen

oh well that could be well we got a long terror train you know it's a cool title card. The, like the big, like... Is it after the title card? Because the title card was so fucking long. No, it's before the... It's, no, it's after the title card. Yeah, the gates open.

That title card's like 10 minutes of this train slowly entering the station. Yes. It's a Lumier Brothers film. I mean, this movie looks gorgeous. It's shot by... Disagree. John Alcott, who did Clockwork Orange, Barry Lippet, the Shining.

Like, these are... Can we get a light on sets? But it's the mood, right? Not my tempo. Well, yeah, we see it says three years later, there's a sign that's like steam train excursions, which is pretty cool. And so Jamie Lee's boyfriend, what's this guy? Tom. Mo.

He's a Jamie Lee's boyfriend here at this point. And he has said, oh, you know, he's rented this train because she wouldn't let him buy her a graduation present as he calls it. What's the deal there? Well, isn't it also a trick for getting her to go to a dock party? It is. It's a total lie. But his thing is like, I got you this because you wouldn't let me get you a graduation party. And I was like, a graduation present.

And I was like, what is that conversation? Like, what is any of these conversations? What is their real relationship? You don't really dive in too much on Mo. I don't think you're supposed to know that. Moe has got the money and Doc has the ideas. Yes. Something you learn.

More money. More problems. Also, again, if I'm, if I'm, if I'm, getting Jamie Lee Curtis in any timeline, I'm like, I'm going to tell my friends, I'll see you tomorrow. It's New Year's Eve, we're going to get a nice hotel. I know

you're 20 or whatever and you want to get wasted with the buddies, but come on. You can finger your friend's asshole another day. I mean, you do have to ultimately be on Kenny's side and all of this. Yes. Because he finally breaks the whole Doc has on all these people. Because

clearly he's been doing this for too long. Everybody is obsessed with this guy. allows him to do all this bullshit. And finally, and I understand it, it only comes at his demise. But really, maybe that was the only way we were ever going to break free. Yeah, he broke the friends free of this dude's charm grip, also by killing them. Well, hey, there's almost no one left here. Some people have to fall, you know, this happens.

Death is the ultimate freedom, my friend. That's true. That's so true. I love this bus driver, so they take a big, like, coach bus or whatever to the train station, and this guy's, like, helping them get the luggage off. And like, this is a dickhead move where they're like, hey, man, you want to join this old timer's like, oh, yes, I would actually. And they open up like this altoyt box and it's like, there's a finger inside.

You fucking get a fucking fake finger. But then there's also J's. And I would be like, okay, ha ha. But me as the bus driver, you fucking turds offered me that New Year's Eve, Jay fork over the fucking cannabis. Absolutely. Just pick one out. You could have just picked one.

Yeah, like, ha ha, that's funny. It's 1980. If they give you any guff, you just start putting the finger in their chest. And you say, I'm going to call the cops. Yep. Oh, nice. And in 1980, that's electric chair. That's straight in them out, dude.

Yeah, depending on where you are, for sure. So then we get this, the dude who, I don't think we ever really meet, but it's the guy who's dressed up in the Groucho Marx mask. Eduardo. And he's like the, I don't know, he's not the ringleader. He didn't organize this thing. He's just got the joke guy. Yeah. He's got a couple of jokes here.

of them. Yeah, but he's the jokeyest of the by guess. It seems like there's one character stretched to three or four. Because also Prez is a joke guy. Yeah. But he also is the president. Yeah. That dude's got some choice lines later in the book.

He's got some joke. He's like making jokes about like, you know, like he's the guy. Here's how you know he's, who are you talking about? Eduardo. Oh, okay. Here's how you know. Not only because he's dressed like Grouse or Mark. Okay.

Because he's humping a blow up doll in front of everyone while doing. the world's worst prop comedy routine it's really bad and yeah that's right you just reminded me of a bad line this guy has too where like he's he's like humping this this fucking blowup doll and then because it's a blowup doll and nothing happens he's like oh

of course she's a lesbian and they all go polite clap did we get on the train it's really cold it's really cold I hope you get stabbed by a sword at a second and the inflatable sex dolls are we kidding what were we

thinking I don't know we've never perfected that one no there's been lots of lots of ventures trying to find out where to put all the cum and the sex dolls they've had their chance honestly they've they've got to come a long way

guess it's easy to clean you just you dip it in the kitty pool or you into the garbage well those ones that do that one use get that shit out of here the one that this guy has that looks like a pool toy you bought in a gas station like yeah that one I feel that's a one use pump and dump

How is that even pleasure? Here's something. I invented this a couple of weeks ago. You wrap your hand around your genitals, and you tug on it until something happens. Hold on, let me get a pen and paper. Let's just slow it down.

I don't think I would be able to maintain an erection while fucking a pool floaty. Just my penis going against vinyl like that. There are some deranged imaginations out there, you know? Some people are just, they have to have that motion of the ocean to get the fascination going. But that's why I think

the real dolls became more popular because that's a more accurate emotion of the same thing. Of course. You got the weight. You guys all understand that. I mean, it makes more sense. I guess it does. I watched real sex in the fucking late 90s. No, not these people. Old people. Old people who are really gross. You've been watching old people with the dolls? Yes. Well, then I love it's like, you know, I got a great idea.

I actually just punched it. I put a bunch of polyvinyl inside of a flashlight. You could find that if you want. See that's the thing. I think the interest in like the the the realism factor is gone because as soon as real dolls became a thing everybody was like that's really expensive. What if you just like took the component of a real doll that like the penis has to touch you're good to go and then it was like all right so we can have like flashlights we can have those weird fucking torsos. You're that storing a whole body in the floor. I know exactly. It's just a torso I can keep it in the back of the closet and it can Those are the weird ones.

If you're closing your eyes anyway, just get rid of everything and go from the fucking beginning. Yeah, I mean, I'm on board with the hand agenda. I think some people might need like a stranger effect, right? Yeah. Yeah, like they don't want to know that it's them doing it. Correct. They need to have the flesh light to be the thing they're doing it. And now we're, you know what?

We're giving money to sex workers because each one of them has to like gets to have their own version of it. Like, no, we definitely did it specifically to her measurement. Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How do they do that? How do they make that mold?

Oh, I think it's a huge lie. That's, I mean, I think it's just, it's for hopeless fucking losers who are so addicted to that shit that they're like, oh, if I bought this thing, it would be like fucking her for real. We're kind of boyfriend and girlfriend now. When you're really think about it. We're dating. Oh, boy. Hey, speaking to creeps, David Copperfield's in this movie. His only acting role, he's been in other things, of course, as himself.

He gets the hammer and David Copperfield as the magician. The magician. You just got to say that this dude's a name is Corey or something. Yeah, come on the name. It's David. There's no one of David here. We can't do the name because we have to use him as a red herring to maybe be Kenny three years later. Which kind of doesn't make a ton of sense.

It doesn't make sense. Like, you know, because spoiler alert, Kenny. is in drag as the magician's assistant and that's an interesting thing we can talk about at some point but like it's just the Kenny the fact that David

Copperfield could be Kenny because they both sort of kind of look like each other I don't know and guinea tall dark haired guy Kenny was into magic a little bit we find out in the yearbook he had a whole magic spread there that whole thing we should mention now that the three years have passed

he's been in an asylum of some sort right yeah we find that out too Uh, yeah, well, you know, I kind of have that face blindness thing when it comes to pip squeaks. Okay. And Kenny is a pip squeak and Copperfield and this movie's a fucking pip squeak. So, you know, I, and dude, also, by the way, it's a fucking magician. You're not looking at that thing twice. Yeah, it's true.

Oh, there's a magician. I'll be over here at the bar now. It's like trying to memorize a lamp. Like, no, yeah, no. The room, yes, I'm in the room. I get it. I think that was the, that's why he was so popular, though, is because David Copperfield was a hunk. and was also a magician.

He grew into a hunk. He's not a hunk in 1980s territory. He's like 80s sexy here. I think you're really. My God. Tall, dark, and ants. Yeah. Where are you getting this tall from?

Is he a tall man? He looked lanky. Well, Lanky doesn't, you can be like a five foot tall. I don't know. You can be a short. There's short skinny guys out there. That's it. Let's go on.

Oh, no. Let's start to, let's go on Kalshi and bet on his high school. Don't be doing that. I will not be better. He's don't do that. But the thing is like, he's got like, a dude that could have been in the early series of Battlestar Galactica sexy

kind of vibe. Sure. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He's hot. He's six feet tall. Wow. He could date Elaine Venice. This guy could do it. Look at this guy. He fuck Christy Brinkley or whatever the fuck or whatever bullshit Oh, wait a second. Celebrity Heights.com is weighing in with something different. Oh, interesting. Get to the truth here. Another plane is at the tower.

I had no idea. This says he's five feet, 11 inches, and three-fourths of an inch. Come on. You know what? This is, this is Celebrity Hight.com's business, okay? So they know their stuff. And they're saying they're categorizing him as... Tell me he's not six feet. Just please. Just please tell me he's not six feet. They're not saying he's a magician. They're saying he's an American illusionist. Well, right. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think some of those guys take offensive to, offense to being called a magician. Well, it's kind of great because you even get that in the beginning because you just sort of like...

And the movie does a decent job of they always keep the assistant like kind of kind of... out of focus. They don't want to zoom in too much. I don't even think she has any lines until like you're kind of aware of what's going on. Also, everything's out of focus. Everything is dark and dimly lit in this movie. But he says to her earlier on, like, when they're in the car, he's like, you know, I hate frat parties and blah, blah, blah. I need silence to do my illusions, which is kind of a great line. I need silence to do my illusion. This gentleman, by the way, in case you're wondering about David Copperfield is worth $4 billion, according to New York.

I believe it, dude. He's probably had so many Vegas residencies. This says, in Wikipedia, he's won 38 Emmy Awards. He nominated for 38. He won 21 of them. Good for him, man. He sold 33 million tickets and grossed over $4 billion more than any other solo entertaining in the history by a large margin. Take that carrot top.

And that might be, you know, futs with or something. Even being in the ballpark of $4 million for fucking making the Statue of Liberty disappeared. God bless you do it. Yeah, you know, and I saw him as a kid. once where your parents took me to a Copperfield show. Really? And he was magnetic. Really? Yeah. It's like how they talk about Hitler, you can't

take your eyes on it. I didn't go quite there, but I understand. It looks like he had a bunch of allegations in the odds, though. So I would like to denounce him. If I could go back in time and not see the chainsaw of death or whatever it was. I was a big fan of his kid. Is that

right? Yes, I would watch the specials. You know, I would tape the specials and watch them again. Didn't he have a paper view that was really big. Possibly. I feel like my mom bought the paper view because my mom fuck are we talking about it. Only did in the 1990s magic was king. It was.

It was. It would be clear. Oh, fuck he's on the Epstein logs. Oh, of course he is. You couldn't make that disappear, motherfucker? No, that one had to stay. And I'm going to make this paperwork disappear. He might have made Jeff disappear. Oh, that's true. Oh, yeah. The only way we can pick the suicide is getting

the world's great solutionist in there. David, it's your time. See, oh, here you go. Stop making them now you see me movies where they're just stealing shit. It's a magician is hired to kill someone using illusions. Is that anything? That's got to be something. It's got to be something better.

So he met with Epstein at least three times and left messages 16 times for him in the odds. But his lawyer's assistant, he was never a friend of Jeff Freeman. I see. Well, you know, you leave a sweater at somebody's island. You're like, hey, man. I want the fucking sweater back. Call it again about the sweater. Yeah, it's, uh,

It's being used to cover up a dead girl. I don't know that you're going to get that bad. Come on, man. Thanksgiving's next week. Getting chilly out there, Jeff, and I don't have any other sweaters. We learn also a little bit later about the magician. No one has hired him. He's not, they're like, oh, I guess the magician just sort of showed up. Nobody knows how he came.

It's Doc didn't set it up. And Mo's like, well, I guess someone else had a good idea for a change. Yes, which is bizarre. And that I think adds into the idea that could he be the killer? I took that as him being like, I am Mo. I paid for this train party. Moe wants a mojician here. I hired the moolusianist.

Oh. So you're like, oh, I don't know why everybody got, they put cheddar on the sliders, I guess. I kind of love cheddar on the sliders. Oh, I don't know. I did. They put cheddar on the sliders. I did, I didn't pay for the funk band, the white, the white boy funk band. Crime? Yeah. The band crime? The band that I was calling the Robert Will experience last night was this dude with the hat.

yeah i wish they got a little more play they do not interesting detail and i would say a pretty irresponsible dangerous and stupid detail this conductor uh they're getting ready to you know embark on their journey here this conductor goes into the office or whatever and there's this woman maybe his wife maybe not they have a cute little dance she's wheelchair bound i don't know what's going on sure she's not a character after this scene but what we learn here is that he's like something something and as I may remind you Maggie the fucking manager of the office or whatever this train has no radio on it yes and he goes I've been railing for years to get the owners to put a radio in and they keep telling me quote we're not Amtrak how do you not

have a radio for communications that is the dumbest thing it's just a party train it doesn't need a radio okay well you want to flush the toilets this ain't Amtrak what do you want You can get a CB radio. They've been popular in cars for, what, 20 years at this point? Oh, you can find it. Why don't you pay for it? Why come to me? Ask me, oh, well, I'm wasting my money.

That's a good point, shovel. Whatever the guys say. Oh, shovel, totally. They're just nicknamed based off of what they do on the train, I think. Do you know how much a fire extinguisher costs and you want multiple on one train? This ain't have track, buddy. Nice try. Emergency break.

Party Trains LLC does not pay for radios. And yeah, I just put an LLC at the end of party trains. We are not actually a real limited liability company. So all aboard, we're all wearing costumes like it's eyes, wine, shut, or whatever. Yeah, the class president sees the Groucho Marx guy and he's like, fuck yeah, great gag, man. And this dude's got a sword through his stomach. Which is, here's the ultimate sin of this movie. aside from, I think it looks good,

but I can see why you think it doesn't look good. You know, he's a good cinematographer. I think he worked with better directors. Oh, certainly. My opinion. Oh, yeah. So almost all of the kills are off screen or, there's nothing active about the murders.

Nothing at all. Which is what you want. There's no effects either. Like, whenever someone's killed, it's like there's ketchup on their neck. Yeah, we come back later and there's the one is, ketchup and jelly. Even the decapitated head ain't great.

It's terrible. It looks frozen. Yeah. It looks very bad. I mean, it's challenging to, like, to me, it would be more interesting to try to get the frenzy of the tight quarters. Yes, yeah. And try to get that, even if it does look a little weird, to at least get it that way. Because that's what, I mean, you're taking the problem of having to shoot a train, which is hard and a pain in the ass when I get it.

But like, that is the bigger thing rather than trying to get the horror of it, which is what I'm more interested in here. Right, right, right. So, you know, everything's getting underway. We're starting the party here. Hart Bockner and Moe go into like the senior car and they find a couple pledges in here. Again, wearing these goddamn Tweedledum hats. You have to, apparently.

That's the thing. You haven't fucked yet. This is how you know they haven't fucked yet. Yes, they mentioned out. It used to be called Hog night, right? Oh, yeah. Where you had to fuck. If it's your first night, Hognight, you have to fight.

But then the police came in and arrested all the people who were in charge. Not exactly. We're still here. It's great because he's like, oh, yeah. So many kids were kicked out and blah, blah, and then, like, Doc is like, not everybody. And I'm like, you're the ringleader. How did you get away from this? Cult.

I'm telling you. He wheeled out a corpse. It was like that. There he is. And he's still in doctor school. He's still in doctor school. It is lucky that he did get murdered by Kenny here because if not he'd be in the Trump administration right now. I'm telling you, Kenny is on the right side of history.

Kenny, Kenny had some good ideas. Kenny's good. Um, so this is where, you know, it's one of the, the pledges or something is like, oh, they were just telling us about that glorious prank you did or whatever. So then he has to sort of like, yeah, tell the tale. And it's like, oh, it was supposed to be a joke, would have just got out of control, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which happens a lot when I do them. I don't know why. And then like, Jamie Lee's walking in right here. So Elena, like, here's everything gets pissed off and she's just like, you know, oh, yeah, it was a real special prank.

put that kid in the hospital, blah, blah, blah. So, like, even though we don't see the aftermath of that prolog scene, we get a little bit more here of this dude went to some kind of hospital. And again, like, if I, if you agreed to be in the first prank, like, you have to be like, I'm not dating the guy that's buddies with Doc anymore. Or it's college, of course. Who cares anyway? My boyfriend's best friend tricked me into standing inches away from a fucking corpse.

Yep. To do this sexual humiliation prank. I think it's reasonable to do it. to him or me scenario. Absolutely. So dude, crazy line here. And again, just no interest in Greek life shit at all. They give, Hart Bockner gives these two dudes like a bottle of booze or whatever.

And they just go, thanks for the booze, sir. Just have to like walk out. I was like, man, I could not degrade myself like that. I really could not. And he even says a little later because he's like, oh, you want the good stuff to his buddy Mo. And he's like, you don't want to know what I gave those pledges. So he's pissing and coming in that.

Oh, for sure. That's what's going on. Holy shit. Drink my piss. drink my piss I'm fine when you take it's very easy to take off these tops but also it's not usually right to the top

like it is right to the very top oh well let's oh wow is vodka supposed to taste like a speric shi no watery so here we go finally the fucking first kill of the movie here's our Eduardo but not

in the groucho mask Which also looks like a little bit... Yes. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Not Eduardo. The dude... Right. This guy, Jackson, thinks that he's encountering Eduardo.

But Eduardo's already been killed with the sword, and then he was pushed onto the tracks. The train slowly ran over his head. Which was fantastic. Which I think you would notice as the train, man. You would hope. I mean, I don't know, maybe... If it's right under there, dude, you can't see directly down at that. Yeah, but I feel like there's a little, like...

It's got trouble getting going. Probably just some trash. And here's the thing, dude. I want the... I want the Myth Busters on this. Spottis would paint a watermelon to look like a dude's head and I just want to see it get crouched.

You know what I mean? Just a little something. It's dark out. I won't notice. You see, I think, like, the train goes over like an arm. There's like a fake arm there or something, which I don't know, man. Anyone can fake an arm. I think Jackson is my favorite character

in the movie. He seems like a really well put together guy. Because he's dressed like the Gorn from Star Trek. Hey, number one is a Star Trek fan, which I appreciate. Or a sleastack possible. Or a Bosque, perhaps. I guess it was the same year, 1980. Oh, right, yeah. Would Bosque get the big screen?

No, my brother did the Basque outfit. I couldn't do that. I'm doing the Gorn. It was 1980 when Basque was king. I think V had been out. No, what is it called? What was that called? Alien Earth.

No, I think it's just called V. There's also V. Yeah, I think V has got lizard people in it. Yeah. But he's a nice guy. He's like, you know, oh, hey, Eduardo, let's have some drinks. He's not doing pranks. He's not telling bad jokes

He's offering this guy the good stuff as well He's like, come on buddy There's no pisser coming this one He was barely involved in the first prank, prank Kenny Let let Jackson live That's true He was just at the party

He didn't participate in the planning or whatever See that's you start doing that Then you're trying to convince me that Mo should live No, I would not It's a slippery slope Mo looks like a fucking ham sandwich you left out too long He's the one who's in a big X-Files actor He's been in a bunch of them

Off market Chris Mulkio over here? He is off-market Chris Mulkey. And the one that I remember him specifically being in is the fake Lake Placid one. Oh, really? Where it's like Mulder's like, hey, Scully, I'm pretty sure there's something in this lake similar to the Loch Ness monster.

Uh-huh. And that dude, I believe, gets got by whatever the creature is at one point. He's in the Our town when it turns out that they're eating people every... Oh, it turns out it ain't our town. No, exactly. That, exactly, Eric. And he's the guy who...

ends up running the town at the end of it. This is a pretty cool kill. I think even though I'm just hitting him into the mirror? It's active at least. That's true. It's a good mirror break. I do appreciate also it's a nice, he lifts the groucho mask up, shows him who he is. So he knows why he's being killed.

Here I am. It's me Kenny. He sexually humiliated me three years ago. It's me, the magician. Shove in his face to the mirror, though, is pretty fucking sweet. It's a good effect. How's Annie? well that's the thing is you get more corpse flops after this

there's no more active because like I was expecting at least once we get like an overhead shot of a closed quarters something maybe and then you don't have to see who's doing it you can still have the mask on and everything yeah so we got a lot of magic in this movie and it starts here because the assistant tells him because he's like oh man like these kids

that it's going to be loud I think it's around the time if I need silence from my illusions or whatever. And someone, I think it's the assistant, maybe someone else makes the suggestion. Like, why don't you go out there, do a little bit of close-up magic, you know, warm them up before the real show starts. Go out there, do a little crowd work.

So he does this cool sticking a cigarette through a quarter trick. And he has Jamie Lee sexily light the cigarette through the quarter. Well, he's flirting with Jamie Lee Curtis. How could you not? And he's already, of course, he has gotten the anger of Doc has already risen because someone else has attention. Dude, and Doc is a baby. Doc turns into a baby.

Every time they cut to Hartbockner and he's like fucking just trying to ruin this dude's performance yelling out like boring or like, oh, that's a trick they teach you in the third grade. It's like, you know what, dude, here's the thing. I don't have any real interest in close up magic,

but I also know that I can't just do it and it's not an easy thing. And go to another train car and get drunk or something. At some point, Somebody in the room has to say, here, get him his binkie. Let him suck out. He just needs an attention. He just needs something to put his attention to. And then we trick him and the binkie's actually my cock.

Ooh. That's like a flat frank. Oh, I see. Frat prank. I see. It's a frat style. We should say also, Jamie Lee is pissed at Moe because in that earlier scene,

she finds out that this was all Doc's idea. And she's like, oh, I didn't want to be on a doc party. And I'm like, you know how you do that? You say, is Doc going to be there? Then I won't. Oh, yeah, and you also don't date his best friend. Exactly. Like, you had to have heard for weeks about the train parties.

Like, of course, Doc is coming. Yes, but no, but this is all Doc's idea. She's like, you said it was your idea. And Doc's like, it was mine. He's got the money. I've got the idea. I mean, if you heard nothing else, that he had a plan to ensure that the one person who didn't want anything to do with him would have to deal with him for a fucking night.

Unbelievable. Because that's right. He says, like, yeah, she's just like, oh, he's like, you know what? Elena, this is the best party because you can't leave. I force you to be here. I'm so cool. Isn't it funny?

How cool I am? Honestly, the death is pretty good, but it's not nearly as, it needs to be several deaths. It's a good idea. Yes, I need several deaths for this. It's a good idea that I'd love to see. It needs to be the end of Halloween ends,

that fucking machine crusher thing. That's where Doc needs to go inside. I need Doc. status hamburger we also have the I love the conductors

kind of talking to each other whenever we cut back to the conductor's office car and they're just sitting there it's a quaint

little movie back there and this one guy's like oh I love I love this young guy's like I love working on the trains

and what with these gas prices these days that's shovel that's fucking shovels shovels shovels has this notion that like

train travels coming back to the United States and I was like shovels, I got some bad news for you. And our lead is like, hey, I got a, it's kind of a hilarious, like, moment where he's like, just a little indicator. Have you ever seen a train track near a mall?

That's all you need to know, because malls are the future, my friend. And trains are not. And I'll be up on the Concord and you'll be on welfare. Wow, bud. The Concord. Dude, I got some news for you, pal. In the present day, the Concord's been gone for years. Train travel still fucking horrible.

malls are gone malls are dead malls have been dead for 10 years welfare also gone for the most part i would love train travel to make a comeback i would love it it it's great dude i want those fucking high speed god damn light rails dude that'd be great new york to chicaggy in fucking two and a half hours

you kidding me sure another 70s thing that this is 1980 it's the 70s yeah uh this guy's like and on the side why i'm gonna be on the concord you understand i'm selling ovies the idea of the recreation vehicle being a road to success. How'd that go, Roger? Is that another 10 minutes?

We're good now? I think the thing with the RVs that's funny, though, is it's not going good, dude, because he's like, why do you think I still have to work this train job and I can't just be Mr. Winnebago man? I just got picking a bath on all these jobs. I don't know why I bought four. I thought I

could sell four in a year. I couldn't. I thought those vacation movies with Mr. Chevy Chase would get people on the road with the family. You're trying to fucking make an adventure of it. Is this supposed to make me like empathize with this guy? I think so. He's going to focus the old man.

Yeah. What's to like? Oh, damn, it didn't work. He's also doing magic tricks as well. Of course. Everyone's doing magic tricks. 50 minutes of magic. It's magic trade.

Let's call this movie magic trick. He's doing fucking joke magic tricks. Yeah. Which is even worse. Like, it's not an actual illusion of any kind. It's like a knot trick that has a punchline at it. Yes, Abercutt don't. somehow worse than actual close-up magic is fake joky

close-up magic. He's like, oh, your car, he's like, oh, your Jack of Hearts turned to Jack of Spage. Hey, is anybody liking this? Hey, Rod, are we good on that one? Does this have us rocketing towards a feature length runtime or what? Did you drink enough? Do you drink enough? You've been entertained yet? So this is, Elena has a little fight with Mo here.

And this is like the fuck, man. We're fighting at the party. The party just started. It's a New Year's Eve party. We've got to fucking fighting. And it's just like, oh, man, like you have that feeling of like two people. There's going to be pissed off at each other for the rest of the night. Everyone's going to be fucking miserable.

And the thing is worse, you're stuck on a train. And there's a magician running around. And also, it's a New Year's Eve party. We need a little something. When is midnight? What's going to happen? They are completely unconcerned with the clock striking 12. Right?

There's no countdown. There's nothing. That's bullshit. And they're in Halloween costumes. I don't understand any of this. I think literally like somewhere in, because this movie was, it could cost like whatever,

$2. $2. They expect this movie to make $40 to $50 million because they put Jamie Lee in. And I think that the holiday was part of it. It's just, it's in that equation. Even though it doesn't matter, it's like,

then you call it New Year's Evil. Yeah. You know, you can't, it's terror train. I don't think of New Year's Eve when I think of it. No, it's totally inconsequential. The absolute wildest thing. I totally forgot of it.

this, but the wildest thing about this cheap nothing movie is that it was distributing the United States by 20th Century Fox. You have the massive 20th Century Fox fanfare at the start of Terror Train. It is just it has bust written all over

it. Maybe that's where they got that boss costume. Yeah, maybe. You're going to need that anymore. You're not making a Terror Train too, are you? Can we take this? No, we most certainly are not. Oh wow, I get to hang out with the guys who made Terror train. Hey, cool.

You know, it's a pretty exciting, it's kind of like a little bit of a Millennium Falcon horror movie. What if a horror movie is on a Millennium Falcon? Ooh. Yeah, yeah. So watch that. I don't watch that in a fucking heartfeed. Oh, no, Chewy, there's a fucking mass murderer on board. And it's not me. I'm talking about a different mass murderer. Truey, this guy in the bathroom put someone else's arm on me. And then it cut and I guess I'm dead and I'm out of the movie.

Is that right? Who's that hiding away in the Millennium Falcon? Oh, my. It's mystery writer, Agatha Christi. Oh, Agatha. How are you doing tonight? Chewbacca, and then in the little subtletals,

like, I was sexually humiliated years ago, and I had to start killing people. Every life day, I have to kill people because I was sexually a sexual prank God wrong on life day. That'd be amazed. Oh, hell yeah, dude. I'm liking this.

I'm liking this. We get a little bit, of details about the last murder of the dude in the lizard costume because Doc's lady friend here, Mitchie is like, oh geez, I got to pee or whatever

and she goes to this bathroom door and oh, the bathroom door is locked. They just start like open mouth kissing right in front of it. There's a lot of actors tongue kissing in this movie. Got to do something, dude. Just something to pass the time.

Including, now here it is. We had the warm up act. We had the little cigarette through the quarter. Now we got the fucking main event, dude. Full on four minute magic sequence. Just soaking up the clock. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

And he's doing, I mean, this is pretty cool. I like where he's like, he dumps the cards in the glass vase. Yeah. Then they're just like disappearing as they go through it. And then like when he runs out of cards, he keeps like producing them out of his hand to throw away. Pretty neat little trick here. I will say for Copperfield's credit, to be able to get a drunken frat house to care even a little bit?

The littlest bit. To give you the littlest bit of attention. Yeah. It's pretty great. But the awkward thing, and again, because it's just we're making this movie in the late 70s, it is what it is. He is doing these magic tricks to straight up porno music. Yeah, of course. It is just fuck tunes, and this dude's playing with playing

cards. Oh yeah, no, the bass player is the real star here. Crimes, I forget which one is the base player in crime, but he really, he stole the show. He does the thing here where then the assistant lays down. on the table and he makes her, you know, levitate and he's putting the hula hoop through her pretty traditional magic show. How do you set this apparatus up on a train? He must, I would, he needs to show up two hours early. Like, all right, where is this room? How big is it? It is crazy that he just shows up

what everybody else is, but we didn't mention it is a funny moment. It's what I thought looked to be tiny David Copperfield pushing this huge crate of magic gear with him. Like he's a band doing load in? It is very confused. Like at one point there's like where he makes himself like disappear and he becomes the assistant or whatever. At some point yeah. But there are people standing behind him while he puts this curtain up. It's like there

should be a stage where he's doing this. Yes. Because obviously they would see how it's done if or maybe he's really magic. It's real magic. It's real magic. Better movie. Well I think that's something that they talk about in the trivia was Copperfield was like talking about this movie somewhere and was talking about how it is really hard to like have your tricks filmed because like

you don't want people seeing how you're doing stuff and I think with those it is just fake movie magic. Yes I think some of them are definitely that. Yeah because it's like we can we can edit here so you know kind of whatever but yeah he makes her disappear or whatever and then this is this is

where dude another heart bachner fucking yelling about this guy he's like yeah you can make her disappear but I wonder if he could ever make her come and like no one cares which is really great everyone's looking around like, Doc, here's the thing, man. We're kind of enjoying

this magic show. You're ruining it for everybody. And you couldn't make her come either. I mean, he didn't like the dead body. And here's where... Twist incoming. Twist incoming, indeed. Here's where we get a little bit of Doc being more of a scumbag because Mitchie notices from like far

away that he's walking off with, it's vanity, by the way, vanity in this movie. Wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What did Vanity sing? She had a bunch of tunes. I don't know. I look at it. She was involved with Prince for a while, right?

And then she was in The Last Dragon. Oh, great film. Just rewatch that reason. She played a musician in that, right? I believe so, yeah. A wonderful musician. So, like, yeah, he's walking off with Vanity. He's just going by D.D. Winters in this movie.

But so Mitchie notices that, and she's all sort of heartbroken or whatever. And then here we go. Finally, some fucking intrigue in this movie. We have... there's a girl going up to try to open that locked bathroom again. And the conductor's like, oh, you know, why don't you go down to the other end or whatever? And he opens the door with this pass key. And I love this dude.

He comes in and you see him slowly look over all the remains of Jackson, this fucking murdered Star Trek Gorn on the floor of the bathroom. And he just gives a good. My God. Oh, dude. I was like, that is why you hired this guy. When he came in for the audition, you just went, sir, all we need you to say is my God in your most like, stunned you just found a corpse voice

and he nails it and then he tells people he tells the other conductor brake man or whatever yeah and then then like you said he can't go backwards or whatever and eventually he takes the other guy to see this corpse and it's all cleaned up

I'm like is the mirror unbroken in this? Yeah good question oh right yeah I didn't notice what the I would at least be mad about the window you're going to pay for that son so the blood's all gone he's in the costume again the lizard costume

and it just looks at that he had been drinking a lot because he's like this this Kenny is a bit like Mega man like when he defeats someone he gets to take their costume and their powers their costume powers yeah exactly which I think again like if you're trying to make something new in the 80s horror genre like I can see it

because it's like oh there's no one costume but then there's no one costume so it's like that's now there's no if I'm dressing up as you know Kenny how am I going to do that You know what I mean? You mean for a real-life Halloween party where you would want to go as Kenny from terror train?

Or for this to seep into your consciousness, like, wow, that's a cool costume that I will be like thinking about after the movie's over. But that is why I think in the trailer it's kind of prominent. And on the poster, it's 100% prominent. It's the Groucho mask. And I think even on the poster, they give him a little conductors. I actually, I like that when he's got the conductor's outfit at the end

and he's got that weird, like, translucent. Yeah, that's a cool look, too. That's a great look. I want to wear that Every day The conductor telling The Breakmaster About the dead body though

This guy's reaction is like He just found like a dead squirrel In a pool He's just kind of like Hey There's a dead boy in the bathroom Yeah He's like all right

Do you want me to get a net Like what are we doing here? Well you've been If you've been conducting as long as I have You've found numerous bodies In the bathrooms You're actually life You know how we do this

We take the body out, we put it with the coal And the little furnace We cook it up and we never speak of it again It's probably true Did he shit in the toilet or he shit outside? I hate when they shit outside the toilet Okay, if there's a dead body But there's no shit outside the toilet

That I'm okay That's fine Like when he dies he shits you right Is it a little Bebe dude, bowel evacuation You got to try to die On the toilet That's a proper gentleman's death

That's a gentleman Elvis You know he's a southern gentleman He doesn't want to make a mess For anyone else to clean up Yeah. Oh, there was my 21 grams. Thank you very much. Well, do we know, did he flush? I was at the...

I don't know. You died on the toilet, I mean... Yeah, he probably didn't. Although, you know, if you get your... How about a courtesy flush? Oh, I was wondering. Oh, sure. Well, if you, maybe when you're dying and you're on the toilet,

you get the finger on the trigger. Like, if I go, we all go, man. Oh, a literal dead man switch on the toilet. Yeah, for the flush. You're going to see it all. You're going to see all the banana and peanut butter sandwiches. That will fucking get you dead on. the toilet, dude, you keep eating those things.

Absolutely. Good God almighty. With a pound of bacon on top. Plus all the pills. Of course. He was an unhealthy man. But it's kind of a cool. I mean, I just don't think the movie has a great handle on it. Like the, well, what happened in here thing? And the other guy is, yeah. Now it's like, oh, he's drunk.

And like, it's the mystery part. And that's always kind of the problem with these slashes. The mystery's never that great because the mystery has to be that it's a slasher. You know what I mean? Like, it's slasher movie. So we know that you don't. Yeah, it's always, you know, there are a few good, like, slasher who done it. You know, like the first Friday of the 13th is a slatter who done it.

There's ways to do it and make it interesting. And this, I feel like they're just kind of bending over backwards to make the mystery happen, even though, like, you just, it's the guy who was sexually humiliated three years ago. You know it. It doesn't matter. It's at the bottom of the list. You should be working on really good deaths. And, like, if you're obsessed with this, this humor, I don't know why you're packing it this much. with this stuff but if you do want that maybe

make it good that crazy crazy thought I know but like maybe do that sure and maybe just I do how do you explain that like they cleaned up all the fucking body shit yeah it doesn't make a lot of sense but if you're going to do the who donna thing maybe move

that scene from the start into the middle of the movie as like a flashback here's what happened when Hart Bockner's telling the story to the underclassman or whatever like that's a place where you can have that flashback also Chris they had choice. They had a choice between one or two things. They could have a script doctor to punch up the script and have it makes sense and be funny and interesting. Sure. Or you can get

magicians. And I think we know where you want to put your money if you're a major motion picture. Magicians, that's money on the screen. That's true. That's special effects without paying a special effects budget. That's what that is. In between the conductor finds the body and then brings the other guy to go and look at it. There's a scene, just a quick thing where here's Mitchie and she's going around there's this dude wearing a donkey mask and maybe I'm just a crazy old pervert I don't know

Oh really But Mitchie comes out And the guy is like You don't really it's like Hey what's from there's something like that And you just the guy's being filmed from behind You can tell he's got this jackass Or this horse helmet on whatever it is

And she goes oh just this once And she gets down on her knees And puts her face in this guy's crotch. And I was like, what the fuck? And then she comes up holding this Jay, amazing fake out. It's amazing fucking fake out. Maybe David Copperfield blocked

that scene as a magician. He knew how to fake out the audience. By the way, Mitchie. What a name. Mitchie. Apparently it's short for Michelle. I've never heard of that. I knew a Michelle growing up. Name Mitchie? They called her Meish. Meish. Michelle. Yeah, mish. That's twisted too.

There's this bit where like so he Mo is like kind of they're in an argument about the whole Doc situation and then this other sexy blonde kind of whisks him away Oh Toy

Her name is Toy Oh no toy or a pet I think it's pet It's one of those I think it's a pet She whisked him away Into another room And now Doc

Who's supposed to be his friend He's like oh hey Jamie Lee Curtis Go in the other room Where Mo is He wanted to see you So he's trying to fuck this This dude's whole shit up. This is why you do not be friends with Doc or join a fraternity.

Well, because he, a prankster of this level is always going to take his prank status way more importantly than his friendship status, his lover status, to have a prank like this for, and that's what he thinks of it. It's like, oh, you got caught with your girlfriend with some other girl, prank. That's right. It's classic Doc prank. That's what I got, oh, you rude your relationship prank. So, oops, you, you tried to fuck a corpse, prank.

Oh, you did fuck that corpse, prank. Someone's grandmother. Matured in bed. Sorry, officer, prank. Sorry about that necrophilia prank we had back there. Sorry, I took your gun out of your holster. It was a prank. Total prank.

Classic prank. Jackson's parents think of they're going to see their son tomorrow. Prang. they go back to the fucking bathroom here and then this is drunk and stoned Mitchie comes to the door and she's like oh it's Jackson she's calling him D Jack I think or something like oh I'll go take care of him

or whatever so then they wind up going to the bunk beds Mitchie and fake Jackson here which is really our murderer and they're going to get down to the naughty stuff oh absolutely he doesn't he's about to pull Robert Carrady into revenge of the nerds because she thinks it's Jackson she's about to go for it

And then he murders her instead, which I think is more ethical, I think. Yes, I think so. He presents the Jackson's hand. Yes. Yeah, the dead hand prop. The hand comes out and touches her. And she's like got her eyes closed, like fucking ready for it or whatever. And she's like, ooh, your hand's cold.

You know what they say. Cold hands. Warm heart. And then at that point, this murderer Kenny drops this severed head on this woman's tits and she starts going crazy. and you don't see her get killed no you see the conductor find her later yeah with the raspberry jam all over

you spilled something from the breakfast cart all over your throat oh billy mitchell's hot sauce is all over this is a scary movie this is scary here's a scary part dude uh you got david copperfield they cut to him he's like staring daggers and you're like what's going on here he's watching the student body president

who's dressed up as like uncle sam or something doing this like Louisiana Southern guy kind of thing where it's like he's pretending to be like a Louisiana guy running for some sort of office and he's like he's using some slurs for fucking Aaron people which is terrible and then he's like euthanasia for all the welfare recipients that's on my docket oh yeah

it's crazy that everything he said is now the Republican Party that's the platform pretty much six football franchises in Louisiana oh right Yeah, we're going to expand the NFL, but there's going to be six teams in Louisiana alone. Jesus Christ, man. No, you know what? Just, can he get to the gears of the train.

Crash it all. Take it off. Just fucking do it. Pull that emergency cord. Prez is like sixth in line possibly to fuck Jamie Lee Curtis, and he likes those odds. He's dude, and he was trying to work his way up the ladder earlier in the film because he's like, oh boy, yeah, Mo.

What a deadbeat. If you ever want to talk about it. And I mean it. Just talk about it. I was like, I see where this is going, fat guy from peewee. Yeah, wave my finger, pork is picky. No, no, no. I do, around here, too, is where David Copperfield hits on Jamie Lee.

And it's a really good, do you believe in magic? And she's like, oh, my vagina just dried right up. And he goes, I'll have to convince you. Yeah. And I was like, oh, man. No, you don't. No, you don't. Just stop.

In the background here, you notice this is one of the best shots you get to this guy. is a dude and I think this dude thought it was more of an eyes wide shut party than not Eric because he's wearing a Gip mask. Oh yes. Just a dude to Gip mask and at one point you see the guy smoking a cigarette through the zipper mouth. Which is amazing. I loved it.

This is appropriate. This is a party. Yeah, now we're talking. Now it's a New Year's Eve party. The Gip came. This man knows that he came here to get laid. That is what he is here to do. God bless him. Jamie Lee leaves and this is, so the conductor, whatever his name is, is Ben Johnson

Carney. Carni. No, they say carny. Like, I think it's Jamie Lee is the only one who ever says. She's like, Carney. Oh, okay. So aren't Carney over here. Spelled like Carni Asada there. Yes. Delicious. Hell yeah. Oh, this delicious train conductor. Carni Asada Johnson. He finds Mitch. And then he like covers her all that good. It's all that. Oh, right. I was totally right. There was a what? There must have been something funky about the other guy. And he has her shoe. And then here comes James.

Amy Lee, and it's the weirdest scene in the movie where he like, he grabs her, he's like, do you know who owns his shoe? It's like, that's my girlfriend, Mitch, I love her. She's the best. He's in, oh, and he takes, you have to come with me. Why are you breaking the news to this one girl because they said that they were best friends? It's going to

cause a, either tell everybody and be like, listen, this is a big problem? Or tell him no one? Because he already, he cried Wolf to the other conductors. He doesn't want to tell them first. He wants to get someone else to confirm it. I think you're right. I don't want my co-workers to think I'm totally crazy, just you know, these dead bodies

on the train. Exactly, because they think you're doing a prank. Well, it's pretty soon after this that they do stop the train, right? Yeah. Doesn't he like awkwardly like hold her? Yes, he's like, holding her to the ground or something? Because he's like, you have to come with me. And they go back to their quaint office car. And

she's like, oh, it's twice now. And I think a third time it happens where Jamie Lee's character is concerned someone fell off the train. That's a thing that constantly happens. And so he, like, she says, Oh, my God, her shoes there? What happened to she fall off the train?

He goes, no, she didn't fall off the train. She's dead. I was like, dude, you just don't answer the question about falling off the train. Get right to she's dead. And Lenny's like, well, I've got to convince this pretty girl. I'll show her dead friend here. Here's your dead friend right here. Look how dead your friend is.

You're going to be a responsible man here. I can do nothing about this. I can't do anything. You're a mad student, aren't you? Don't you want to, maybe you'll do the autopsy right here? Pound on her chest is not what they do. It's kind of weird that none of them use any medical experience to do anything in this. Apparently all you do in med school is fuck with corpses, which is I guess to your point, Eric.

It's what they do. But yeah, Jamie Lee just like immediately breaks down. I was like, finally there's some good like Jamie Lee Curtis acting in this movie. Like she does this scene pretty well. And then this is where I think Copperfield vanishes because he's like, oh, or he doesn't vanish. They made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Ah, not on this train.

transports himself to the other side of the car I see because it's like guess you're going to put a sheet over me while I'm sitting on this chair and then the lady's going to hold up however many fingers she wants to and then I have to guess it so she holds up seven fingers and then he's like all right pull it off and he's not under the sheet anymore

and he's across the way I feel like this one is a we're just using the movie oh yeah for sure you know what I mean and then he's like oh by the way it was seven fingers and this is when which drives me nuts in this movie one it's one thing to have the Mitchie scene where it's like this kind of cool

you know oh sexy scene uh oh something bad happens we cut right before the bad stuff happens Mo and Doc are hanging out Doc is like right Mo right mo oh my god Mo's been killed I'm like when the fuck did that happen? No clue I was like somebody shot him he's in front of everyone

seated there and he falls over and he's got the strawberry jam on his chest well that's the thing because of that I genuinely don't know what happened to him. I do not know. It didn't look like his throat was cut. When Hart Bockner opens his shirt a few moments later, there's like a slash. It's a really bad, yeah, like someone just like slashed his chest.

I'm going to tell you right now, I've Tom Savini has ever seen this movie. I bet he's horrified at these specials. You spit on the ground. It's just like, and I mean, like this is a main character. Like it's not just. We're in the middle of it now I should be seeing character deaths Especially important one

I was kissing Jamie Lee Curtis Not fucking 15 minutes ago And now here's where I just want to throw out here That I'm pretty Convinced the movie makes an attempt To tell you that Doc had a thing for Mo Yes Because he's trying to get the fucking Jamie Lee

To break up with him all that shit And then when this dude is dead He is cradling this man And weeping and screaming and scream When he was, like, saying, like, if Jamie Lee leaves, like, we'll always have each other. And I mean that. Exactly. Like, he has, like, a follow-up, like, and I'm, I'm dead fucking serious.

Yeah, yeah. We can be lovers. Look me in the eyes. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look, me in the eyes. It's sort of a little bit progressive in this movie.

And also, the black guy dies second. That's not bad. Not so bad. One step at a time, progress. Oh, fuck. You know what? No, you know, let's kill Eduardo off the train first. Let's get him done.

and then you know then he's second right that hey mo you know those four to six times we've hooked up I wasn't joking three out of the six times the first three I was totally dude that was funny college prank yeah the first three total hilarious

pranks yes the last one though you came in my mouth prank it's a classic doc prank got me what's funny is nobody fucking believes doc when he starts screaming right here because of all the pranks

and he's got to if you're like, he's bleeding, you bastards. It's like it's fucking saving private riots. I love big, tough guy that shows up in the middle of the movie who doesn't have a name, who he's like, oh, wants to fight him. He's like, this is one of your fucking pranks, Doc, I swear to God, you and me are going to go round and round. Is that the same guy that later, when they're like, oh, the magician's the killer, and this dude, like, comes up the door, I'm going to fuck that guy's damn.

The conductor has to be like, here, son, take this huge axe. Do you think you could take a man's life? I did in Korea several times. That's me. All right, boy, you want to go toe to toe to with a magician? Good luck. You better hope there's no mirrors in the room. You just better hope that in this room when you're going to find a magician, there are no mirrors.

If you could pull a quarter out of an ear, what could he pull next? Pull your soul out of your body. It might be a good horror movie, the magician. Dude, totally. You get like a harbinger of doom being like, you can pull a quarter out of an ear. What is he going to pull next? What's he going to pull next? Dude, and it cuts to a fucking chest rip

Pulls a heart out Hell yeah He pulled my grandmother's heart from behind my ear Holy shit My grandmother's dead, what? The magician, he's going to make your future disappear That'd be a great movie

The magician He's going to cut your summer In half The magician Abercadab die Avercad die The kids are just saying it every day in school. Dude, get Abercadab die to replace six, seven.

I'll give you $1,000. It's a pretty good deal. Yeah, put some work into that. So Doc's all upset that his possible crush Moe has been, I guess, stabbed to death. So he's dead, and Doc freaks out and pulls the emergency break. And this dude, the conductor's like, well, where's Walter? He should have pulled the break by now. And we got to go.

And that dude's just missing? Yes. The fucking guy driving the train is missing. I would like just some of the... I understand, like, you're not going to show me everything. Show me a little bit like the conductor being like, hey, Reg, that you, you know, that kind of a thing. Exactly. Like, he's knocking on the fucking door.

Like, hang on, I'm putting some more call on the thing. I'd also like some shots of the train more, honestly. Yeah, totally. Because when they stop the train right here, it is funny to the conductor. They're trying to, like, stop damn you, which is really good. But then, yeah, we're sort of outside. We see the train sort of slow down. It's a real train, pretty cool.

They're standing outside of it and whatnot. train fucking film it i mean we they do stand outside it in blankets for a second but yes well this is what he's like all right you know everybody he kind of lets everybody know what's going on and it's like we we have to go forward i just stay with your friends and this that and the other thing man how about a sequence on top of the train you get a you get a fan out do rear projection yeah you can totally do that in a way that's not hyper expensive i bet you could have figured you know what uh maybe take some money from the fucking magician part of the I don't know,

maybe five minutes less of magic. Just concentrate on some movie magic that you want to make. So yeah, the conductor gets everybody off so they can search all the cars. What you don't see, though, and it cuts back and you realize

they've already been informed, you don't see the crowd of kids be told there's been murders on the train. You just cut back and they're all like frazzled and the guy saying, calm down, come down, you hear some girl like, someone was killed. And I was like,

why would you not show us? The crowd learning of what's going on. That speech type of thing would have been a scene. You guys are leaving scenes on the table. Well, that's the thing. The minute the Moe thing happens, you're like, oh, this thing is just crashing. That is such a major fucking blunder. Like, I just, like, I don't know what to do with the movie after that.

Because Ben Johnson, you give him like a one shot of just like, ladies and gentlemen, I just want you kids, you're having a fun night tonight. I just want you to know, two of your friends are dead. And I don't know how to, you can even do like a, you know, I was in Korea. I've seen this before and blah, blah, blah, blah. A killer amongst us. We're going to have to use the buddy. system. It's like I used to Korea.

But so this is where Hart Bachner is like they realize like okay now Doc and Jane Doc and Elena are the only living people and she says to him she's like Doc what do we have in common

with all the people that have been killed? It's definitely this dude that we sexually humiliated three years ago. So Doc locks the two of them like in his compartment or whatever and he's really fucking throwing Jamie Lee Curtis around in this scene like really fucking roughing her up because she doesn't want to be locked in there with him

and then like he also like breaks the locks of most of the doors but not all of the doors and that's just you gotta do you gotta go all or nothing you're gonna do both yeah it's a weird it's like a it's two rooms and I think there's a connecting door is the deal

so like he only gets the lock on the one door she escapes I think is what happens here I think she realizes that oh I know who it is it's the magician Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kenny, he said he took magic or something. She runs out, and this is when Hart Bockner gets got, which again, this should be like the big kill.

It's the, yeah, and I mean, it's the biggest struggle, I guess. It's a cool struggle. See, like, and the tension here, I think is actually really cool, like Hart Bachner is like, you see him looking at different parts of the compartment and checking them and whatever, and then he sits down like, oh, and then he's sitting and in his direct line of sight is the under part of the bed, and he's like, oh, fuck. I didn't check under that bed.

And when he goes up, this dude is under the bed that he's on and does a good ankle grab and knocks this guy down. And then we just get this big close quarters fight, which is pretty cool. He's not killing this guy with a newspaper, though, so it's not totally Jason Bourne. And it's a good, like, letting you know where this is going because there's a hand with nail polish on. He goes, Mitchie, is that you? And then he gets murdered. So you hear like this switchblade noise happens, which is pretty sweet. And again, I would like a little bit more there.

But, like, you were at least letting know, let them know that either it is, it could be a woman or more than likely it's just some sort of, right. A psycho riff. A psycho, really, yeah, exactly. Yeah. But, yeah, so Alana's trying to, like, show the conductor this, like, yearbook picture to be like, you know, this is the guy or whatever. And then the magician being in Doc's quarters, you know, you got to come find him or whatever.

And then they go and they're looking around. And like, this is a bloody ass train compartment. The actual kills are not here, but the aftermath they put a lot of work into, which is nice, I guess. And all you can glean is like, wow, so this guy was really killed. Like, he got super fucking killed. He falls out of the bed compartment and then whatever. Whatever happened over there, I would have loved to see that. Oh, this over here, I would love to see all this blood.

A broken chair, that would have been great to see. Oh, I would have loved to see that. I don't know if this is here, but like, I think when Jamie Lee gets Prez, and she's like, I know who did it or something. And maybe it's here, maybe it's a little later because there's a lot of like going back and forth with the conductor. Her and press go to the conductor and he goes, looks at both of them and he's like, either you know how to shovel coal, which I think is the funniest because it's like, oh, we're so fucked right now. We're not going to be able to get out of here unless one of you kids can use a shovel. Do you know, Mr. President, you're going to have to

shovel call. Anyone know how to drive a train because we are just up a creek right now? I just I mostly sell RVs is the thing but do you know how to shovel is like do you know how to walk a helicopter has to do a drop off of a fucking conductor in the middle of the night oh emergency conductor emergency conductor get him in there

so Elena is being shown to a separate cabin this point because yeah the body falls out then his head rolls out after the head looks fucking terrible awful it looks like it was frozen And it's really bad. So they're like, this red cap guy who they are like

the secret employees of the train that only come out when the train stops right here. And the porters, I guess you'd call them. Right, yeah, red cap guy. That's what they call them like Amtrak and shit. It's like the red cap service. But yeah, so this dude is like, okay, here, we can put you in here.

And he's like, wow, looks like they haven't used this compartment in years. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Could we have had more students buy tickets to the train party? And he's like, oh, it's a little dusty, but it's okay. If it's not, wait, so has no one been in here in years? That's what he thinks, but I don't see how that's possible.

A compartment burned down 30 years ago. If no kid is going to be in it, why do I have to clean it? Come on now. It is pretty funny when he's like, oh, no sheets or pillowcases. I can get you those if you want them. And she's like, just get the fuck out of here. I need to sleep. Which also, like, Jamie Lee, the move is be in the room with all of the kids.

kids. It's going to be annoying because they're going to be obnoxious. But that is the move. Why are you by yourself? And the good news is the guy who was playing pranks, he's gone. Yes. We don't know. We're about prank man no more. He's gone for good. But we do have jock man who they're

convinced at this point that it's it's, I almost said Hasselhoff Copperfield. So they're like, okay, everybody get out of the car, move to this car. We're sealing off the magician's car here. And so this big jock guy comes up. He's like, oh, is he in there? Let me out of, man.

Give me that axe. Let me out or whatever. And he's like, all right, boy. Before you go in there, I just want you to do one thing. We should go over there. Look at the bodies of all your dead friends. And then think, if you still want to do this. And the guy's just, she visually like, here's your axe back, mister.

This is what we're going to do. We're going to get this train moving. We're going to get it over. We're blocked off that magician. We're going to suck them right out of the airlock. This magician will be airlocked, you see. Dude, that'd be great. He's getting sucked out the train car ass.

first. I see, it's not as strong on the ground like this, but it's something else. And we're going to have to nuke the magic castle from Ormond. That's the only way to be sure. It's the only way. But you know that troubles of foot here because the red cap guy that was supposed to be

watching Jamie Lee has just been run through with another sword. And in this point, we've been reminded that Copperfield has a sword box trick back there. So it's like, oh, definitely the magician, you know, happening. And Kenny is dressed as Mitchie in the witch outfit that she was in. She has a witch mask that

Kenny is now wearing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot about, I forgot this whole sequence where he's dressed up as Mitchie. Yes. By the way, to stop it, I just remembered about the Wizard of Gore. There sort of was a magician horror film. Oh, Wizard of Gore, you said. Yes, years and years ago. This one would be dumber and more fun. The one we're planning, yes, of course. Hercial Gordon. I believe it is. What is the Wizard of Gore? Is it like a 90s deal? Oh, 70s. Oh, 1770 on the dot.

Percial Gordon Lewis. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, that checks out. I saw it years ago and it just sprung into the mind. You know, it's a pretty cool, well, it's more of a witch movie, Simon King of the Witches. Go check it out. It's like a swing in 70s, like, Satanist movie. Nice. Yeah.

I heard of that one. That's cool. Anybody of note in it? No, Simon King of the Witch is the name of the movie. But it's based on the adventures. of this guy that Baccarou Banzai Polk Runyon was this name

Polk Runyon Yes, an occultist of the 70s No, that was one of Doug's fake names Really? It's a fun Wikipedia. Go on Polk Runyon's Wikipedia later. Sounds like a character. Cool little detail

when Jamie Lee's like uncomfortable being in the cabin by herself she's like trying to find something that she could use as a weapon and she opens the closet and she takes a hanger which I think is pretty funny because she pokes Michael Myers in the eye

with a hanger and she's hiding in the closet. So here we go. Dude breaks in, ready to kill Jamie Lee. There's Jamie Lee sleeping, all curled up on the little couch there. This dude starts going to town. Uh-oh, you just got fooled, my friend. She's been in previous slasher adventures.

She doesn't take care of herself. She's hiding behind. She fucking stabs this dude in the shoulder with the sword and the guy does a really good, I love the sound it makes. And you know what? You know what he did to your brother? buddy doc who you hate so much just do it

cut his head off let's call him a fucking day here totally just one big swing let's get this over with Mrs. Vorhe's style absolutely because now we're in a 20 minute scenario because he almost she defeats him and he almost falls off the train at some point right she thinks he falls off the train she's like kicking him

yeah out like the side but then you see like his hand is still hanging on there and then he gets back up she's like resting you see his face out the window that's a new mask now the little turtle in the cloud brings him up the top of the fucking. The guy fucking drops. I'm sorry, the guy drops off the fucking, he's supposed to be on the ground, but no,

he gets on the top magically, mad magicians. During that fight, though, before she kicks him off, he fucking pulls an earring off her lobe. Dude, brutal, fucking brutal. And good Jamie Lee earning her scream queen nickname here, a lot of great screaming. Now I'm just remembering that the black phone, that guy was a magician too. He was also. magician you're right yeah oh yeah you don't really see many good the grab her as a magician yeah

you don't see many good tricks he does though no i mean no i made those children disappear that's it that's a pretty good trick oh man so yeah it's sort of like this oh the other thing though before she kicks him off the side i think is the brutal she finds a those like holders oh is that here like a diner where like they put receipts down on it it's like the big pin she pulls that off and jams it it in this dude's face which is pretty cool well she's locked herself into the cage that is

like Carney's office I don't know why these train guys need a I guess maybe for like robbery if you're carrying money on it like the old West happens Jesse James and his rotten brother Frank show up that would be a nice twist to this really great

the conductor comes in like right after she kicks him off the train she just goes he killed Mo and this dude it's been a long night for this guy I get it but he just goes yeah we know we got fucking catch up with the movie

we all know let's go can we end this can we go home yet so you see the bloody shot of the arm or the shot of the bloody arm hanging on still and then this conductor goes and tells vanity hey by the way might want to start getting a cup of coffee and wake up we'll be back in 15 minutes

we're going to get to the station promise you all the movie's almost over and in the movie folks and in the movie folks end in the movie next stop end of the movie

get my coat on a lot of goes back to the magician's car here and she finds like the book and she's looking through his little book

or whatever and then uh oh there's David Cobberville dead in his own sword box and I guess you can't I understood

you can't show that because he's been the red herring but it's pretty cool I want to see it I want to see it I want to see it but it's kind of

funny because she thinks she has solved the movie because they thought it was the magician but now the magician's dead and there's this hilarious moment of Jamie Lee running down the hallway and she just goes I don't even know who it is anymore but like you know of course Roger lied to me

he said it was going to be the magician it wasn't he's dead she runs back to the office room and there's Charlie sitting at the little conductor's break table or whatever and she's like oh Charlie thank God I thought I had the movie solved uh huh charge and here's our boy dressed up like Charlie

and he's got this mask on and the fucking yeah the hand grabbed dude it's pretty cool really really cool and uh you know it's like you haven't changed like he starts talking and you're like okay

that's getting it's Kenny here really great thing because she's trying to like play it up like oh Kenny you know it was a mistake oh I know you like magic bubble whatever he's like oh oh I'm better than that magician he's got some line about

He's better than Coverfield. It's fucking great. Or she says it first. She's like, you're a better magician than he is. And he goes, I know. Because he doesn't even know how to cut a woman's body into pieces. Yeah. That's kind of good.

That's a decent line. It's real funny. It's real funny. When did you do that, Kenny? Can I see it? No, it's off screen. It's really exciting. It was off screen.

It's really cool. Yeah, I did some crazy things to your friend, Mitchie. It would have been awesome if everybody could have seen it. Interesting. Sorry. No, no money in the budget. there. And she's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's like, kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. And she does more open mouth kissing here. And then he starts having, because the kiss me or

whatever, he starts having a flashback freak out to the four post bed thing. And he gets wrapped up in, is he by a coat rack or something? He's wrapped up in something here in Falls over. I don't know what's going on. And then here comes Cardi with the shovel. Dude, this fucking shovel hit. It's great. I think this shot. Death is great. It is this death right here. Yes, it's great. Primo. It's awesome. He goes right out the fucking train. You just see this dummy go off a bridge and then the best part about it is he almost makes it into the water but halfway doesn't and this dude's body just breaking on this ice. Yes. And the body flips into the water and one boot is left right there on the not sure, but on the ice drift. Yeah. Incredible shot. It's a really cool moment. And again, the atmosphere. I love a snowy horror movie. You know, I'm just a.

of course absolutely but what's awesome i think it kind of saves the movie for me a little bit is that this body is going down the river and the trains just go and that's the end of the movie yes there's nothing that's it you're fucking done see you're fucking going down the river dude it's not jamey lee with the blanket on the back of an ambulance with a cup of coffee like i can't believe it was canny the whole time nothing no unpacking of it at all just you don't even see the station we get to you think we'd pull into the station exactly You see like the cops, you know, yeah, you see like the lights going on the squad cars or something. See, look at that.

You don't even need the cop cars. You can just do the lights. You just do lights on the train. You have some blue and white lights flashing as they pull. Oh, okay. All of Carnie's RVs are waiting for them. Oh, my God, we're so worried. Please don't sell us, Papa.

But that is the end of terror train. A sort of New Year's-e themed slasher movie. Go around the horn here for some final thoughts and potential recommendations. Eric Siska. It's not for me. The thing is, I like the idea of it. I just feel like the execution falls flat. I don't know who's responsible, but there's probably a few people, writer, director, producer. Is anyone really associated with the movie could have done it? It's a smorgsport. I don't know. It just, you know, I was excited to watch it because it sounds up my alley, slasher and all. But I just feel like I've seen this done better by hundreds of other movies. Yeah, fair enough. Chris Cabin. Yeah, not for me either. I think there was too many things going on.

You can't really focus on just a slasher movie. It's got to be a mystery movie. Oh, it's got to be a magician's movie. Oh, it's got to be a, you know, it's just too many things that you have your, and it's only, I mean, the good part is it is barely 90 minutes. I mean, it's a short movie. So I, that is the good part. That's the other whole star I give it and the two stars I give it.

The rest of it, it's like, I mean, like, it's nice seeing Jimmy Lee do this. kind of movie. I had just actually seen a really good not-horror movie called Love Letters with Jamie Lee Curtis from this air, from 83 by Amy Holden Jones of a Sumber Party Massacre. And it's a really good,

it's good to see her away from this. And it's funny that I come rocketing back to this. And I'm like, oh, this is what got her all the money. This was just doing this kind of stuff. Oh, yeah. Because you said prom night is the same year, the fog. This prom night and the fog are all came out the same year. Love the fog. This and prom night. Not so much.

Yeah, yeah. Good coked out dancing scene in prom. Great. The dancing is great. Yeah. Steve Sadek. Still never saw a prom night. No, I can't recommend this one. It's, atmosphere is pretty good. Idea, set up's okay. It just, the sluggish pace is what really does this movie in and not really any payoff ever. It needs more coal. Yeah, it just shovels a more cold this thing. Let's get this. More fuel. Fucking train moving, this terror train moving. It doesn't really do so. I think that there's yeah it's just now i mean maybe it's an interesting man in our magician horror subgenre right it's an interesting entry but not a really fruitful one is what i would say no no no uh you know it's the lightest of

recommends from me you know i'm a fucking slasher piece of shit it's fine um you know and like jamie the jami leave it all is the is the big sal i just i love her and any chance to see her on screen here i will say uh i believe they were to be originals there is a remake of this and a sequel to the remake that I've yet to check out. But they're like recent. They're like within the last year or so.

So I wonder if there's we have some on-screen gore. Maybe we use the train a little bit better. I don't know. We'll see. Is it like the wave of like terrifier slash Pop-Ives revenge slash is it super gory? I wonder as compared to this. I don't think

that they are reels for VFX artists to show other better filmmakers. They appear to be like, you know, just like your regular, dengular slasher movie. But I don't know. I haven't seen it. We'll see. Yeah, we'll check him up. But that is going to do it for this episode on Terror Train.

And thus concludes the year 2025. Happy New Year! They couldn't say it in the fucking movie. But we'll say it here. Right, yeah, they couldn't be bothered to shout it in the movie. That'd be great. He knocks, here's the ending. He knocks them off the train and he goes, ha, look at that, midnight.

Happy New Year. Yeah, right there. All the kids come off the train and line up in coral formation. Ooh. Exactly. But it has been a raucous year you can catch up on what is just the start of season 16 year. But if you want more episodes like this without commercials, head over to that Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies where, yes, indeed, episodes just like this completely add free every Tuesday.

But it doesn't stop there. Of course, if you're not familiar with this show, we have a whole. family of shows over on that Patreon, which again is Patreon.com slash we hate movies. And because it's December we've been doing all sorts of stuff for the holidays, including a really fucked up once in a lifetime. Oh, once in a lifetime. We're doing hot frosty, of course. That's for experts on the subject are here to talk about whether or not you can fuck snow. This is

important. You know, we took the research in there and we really did had a number with it. It's a really great funny episode. Absolutely. And a few weeks back, yes, it was a snowman week because the very next day we released this month's animation damnation. Yes, it was the Rankin' Bass's Frosty, the Snowman from 1969. And us were, you know, researchers got in there and we figured out whether or not you could fuck snow. Kind of the same episode over again. You can play with it.

Let's fucking. The fecking is where it all goes off. See, the first, you know, the hot frosty, see, that's our live action episode. We're animated in the animation damnation. It's cute. It's cuter that way. But Eric Siska Just a couple weeks ago

We also had some interesting developments On the Gleap Glossary That's right We did an episode on You know The thing is around the holidays You think about You know friends

You've lost over the years So we put ourselves In Luke Skywalker's cockpit To remember Dear old departed Biggs darklighter That's right The towny friend Lost his life

That's right Happy New Year And the The very next day after we released to that. There was also a holiday friendly Melroo 210. Oh, well, it's a Melro, Melro. Yeah, Melroo, Melro.

Where, you know, the fires are still going hot on the Joe saga of where is this baby and who and who deserves it at this point? I think honestly the courts at this point is where I would be putting my, if it's not going to Joe, I say the courts get it at this point. Absolutely. But also a Christmas episode in which we see. Heather Locklear having to deal with quite an interesting version of the Christmas carol, I would say. She gets scrooged by her dead boss.

The guy killed himself over her. This month on the Nexus, which just released last week, we had a great conversation about one episode where it's the animated series and they get kidnapped by pink elephants that are hyper-intelligent. But on the TNG, you better believe

Data's dating. Oh, good God. This is Data trying to fuck a lady on the ship, and it doesn't go so well. Really, it really does not go well. But that was sort of like a Christmas treat for us to be able to watch Data in Love. So yes. And we also had a Christmas treat for us. We just did a commentary on the King of Kong. Yes. A fistful of quarters. Yes. So if you are listening to this on the day it comes out, which is the 30th of December, that commentary came out yesterday. You can get it right now on patreon.com. Fuck you, Branca. Fuck you. A lot of fun talking about Billy

Mitchell and all the video game weirdos. Oh, Billy Mitchell, that coward, that total coward, dude. You'll hear us talk all over that awesome documentary. I think he's great. Don't sue us. Are you worried that's going to happen? He seemed powerful. It's the hair. You got tricked by the hair. God damn it. He looks like a magician, actually.

I'm of a bitch. He does look like he should do magic. That's actually correct. You know, Hollywood, Florida could use some more magic. We get Billy Mitchell on the case there. But while this is the final episode of 2025, just like we been doing for the last 15 plus years now. We got a whole new episode for you coming right at the start of 2026. Steve Sadek,

in the month of movies we just caught last year, what are we going to be talking about first? Oh, it's a movie nobody wants us to do. It's the family plan part two. Oh, dude. Apple Plus's Mark Wahlberg's sequel. Man, oh man. Yeah.

It's happened. And got to say, we're doing this one first, so it's like closest to the holidays because you guessed it for no reason this sequel is a Christmas movie kind of so until next week or next year with Mark Wahlberg

and the rest of his clan I've been Andrew Juppin Steven Sadak Eric Sis Kabbin Take it easy and happy new year Thank you.