We Hate Movies - S16 Ep844: The Hunted (1995)

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

“Any time we’re at a ninja school, my ears perk right up!” - SteveOn this week’s episode, we’re high-kicking off White Guy Karate Month with an episode on the totally fun ninja thriller, The Hunted, starring Christopher Lambert! How wild is that hot tub scene? Should the contestants on Forged In Fire be drunk while they try and make their katanas? Would anyone wear the boxer shorts Lambert is sporting in this film? How bad ass is Sensei Takeda? And is that bullet train sequence one of the best action scenes of all time? PLUS: Is there any chance we’re seeing any ninja-related injuries on this season of The Pitt?The Hunted stars Christopher Lambert, John Lone, Joan Chen, Yoshio Harada, Yôko Shimada, Mari Natsuki, Tak Kubota, Toshishiro Obata, Seth Sakai, James Saito, and Masumi “Detective Cheeseburger” Okada; directed by J.F. Lawton.This week’s episode is sponsored by Gametime! Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Gametime. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code WHM for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Download the Gametime app today!Grab your tickets now for the first leg of the 2026 tour! We’ll be in Los Angeles on 2/22, Minneapolis on 3/20 and Chicago on 3/22—don’t wait, snag those tix now!Original cover art by Felipe Sobreiro. 

Hey, y'all, before we get to today's episode on The Hunted, I just want to give you a quick update. Yes, tickets are flying fast. You don't want to miss out on the first leg of our 2026 tour, everybody. February 22nd, it's coming up. I can't even believe it. We're in February now, which means the show is this month. We are returning to Los Angeles, California. We'll be back at the beautiful Hollywood improv talking Broken Arrow. March 20th, we were going to be in the magnificent, resilient, amazing city of Minneapolis. We're going to be at the varsity theater talking Conan de Bob Bay. And yes, the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger version. Do not watch the remake.

Do not get it twisted. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, that's going to be a lot of fun. And then a couple nights later, just two, as a matter of fact, literally two. March the 22nd, we are making our return to Chicago, Illinois. That is right. We're making our debut at the Den Theater talking about Tom Hanks and Big. That's right. All tickets on sale now, y'all.

head over to our website WHMpodcast.com. Pick those ticks up because they're going fast. L.A., you especially, y'all, it's coming up. Can't even believe it. But that's it for me. We are kicking off White Guy Karate Month with a real, real banger episode on what I think is a legitimately great movie. Christopher Lambert in The Haunted. Enjoy the show, y'all.

This week on the program, we are high kicking off White Guy Karate Month talking about a total banger. The Hunted. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'll have some chill to Sacky. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hey Movies.

Thank you for tuning into the fine program as always. That's right. Hmm. One theme month, well, light theme month. Into a real deal theme month. This is White Guy Karate Month. This is a long time coming. We're very excited about the lineup this month. And we're getting it going with the real banger, y'all.

the hunted from 1995, directed by J. F. Lawton. You don't know him, but he directed cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death and movie. And Pizza Man, both featuring Bill Maher. The

Bill Ma Pizza Guy movie is among the worst films ever made. It is very, I am happy to say, I can deliver this hot and fresh to you. Right. And under 15 minutes, this movie fucking sucks. Oh, I'm sorry. I smoking the cigar does way up my own ass when you said that.

What were you saying about Bill Maher? No, you weren't smoking a cigar. You were smoking and fucking J because you love weed. You're a boomer that loves weed. He's been liberated. He has done for weed smoking what Ricky Jervais has done for atheism. Absolutely laid waste. Completely fucking destroyed at all. That's really great.

Did you watch Pizza Man recently, Chris? It was over the pandemic. That's the time when you would watch Pizza Man. Exactly. there's a scene in that movie you couldn't do today. You might want to do today, but you couldn't do today. Well, there's a bunch of scenes. There's a bunch of scenes.

I would argue there's literally every scene in that movie you couldn't do today because you'd have to be putting Bill Maher in a movie. You can't do that today. He kills Trump. Okay, that's what I meant. It's in the movie. To be fair to Mr. J. F. Lawton, sure.

Why he got this movie was not because of Pizza Man nor... No, no, no, no. his writerly abilities. What he got, Steve? He wrote under siege. Before this, he wrote Pretty Woman. Those are two huge hits. And then you can go to the studio and be like, I think I can direct you.

They're like, maybe you can. I have proof you can't. He can't. I have proof. I've got proof you can't. I've seen it. I've seen it. But this is, I think this is a pretty solid move.

I enjoyed this one immensely. I saw this a lot in childhood. Maybe that's why. Do you think it's poorly directed? I don't. It's fine. I think it's, I mean, it's not like there's a, you know, a master hand at work here,

but I will say there are a bunch of directorial flourishes here and stuff that they decide to do with the cinematography and things that I was genuinely surprised to find in a Christopher Lambert movie. I agree. There's a lot of things I was surprised about this movie. I actually think that this movie is actually much better than I thought it would be. It picks up at a certain point, which we'll talk about, where my jaw was on the floor and I'm like,

and it actually kind of ruins... When the train literally leaves the station? It kind of ruins the rest of the movie. because the rest of the movie, like, oh, this is that. You know what I mean? It's like okay broth and like one of the best meatballs you've ever had in the middle of it. It's just like, God damn it. What do I do with this?

This movie should be called Ninja Train and that should be the end of it. And then like whatever else happens before, that's great. I'll tell you what. Besson doing that. That would be great. Well, train to Buzon. That's one thing. There's fucking Zambis in that movie.

But you got to be careful what you wish for, Steve, because they have ninja. train. It's a movie called Bullet Train and fucking sucks a dog's ass. All right. Well, I'm not asking for whatever that nonsense is. I want exactly this, you know what I mean? Dice it up. Yes. Because I mean, like, that's the thing is the ending

I think isn't great. It's good, but it's not, it certainly doesn't, it sets up a lot of stuff that it doesn't pay off. Right. I mean, the runtime is a little long, but I do appreciate these marinating in the setting. It feels like the Japanese tourism board was involved in this movie. We're seeing so much of Japan. But those are like, but those are like, like B-roll stuff.

Like they didn't shoot any of this in Japan. It's all Vancouver. But my problem with this movie, I'm sad to say because I do enjoy him in many things. But Christopher Lambert is bringing this movie down, man. I am otherwise locked in to the rest of this. Christopher Lambert, I'm like, I could give a shit. Get him out of here.

I feel like he's there for financing. Right. Sure. We sideline him. And it becomes this tale of these war. Japanese family. Let me ask you something. Is that why, at least for me and Eric, apparently, is that why this movie rocked so hard? Because Lambert does get sideline. It just gets to be an awesome ninja movie. And he's like, ow! Oh no, I got the heart. This whole movie, I'm just

nursing, this injury I have. I just have this like Vincent Price neckerchief on the whole film. Yeah. Wearing pajamas. I will say, it's called Lasty Month, a Lusty Month, which was a you know, we used to be worse of the previous year. Now it's like movies we want to feature. This, and I have no qualms, but this, there is a white man in this movie, but

no one's doing karate. So there is that. It's, it's white man martial arts and he is barely doing the martial arts. He's a spectator sport. Yeah. I think white guy karate is our catch-all for this stuff. And like Eric said, about

the financing, your white guy is why this movie is... Of course it does. So it is indeed, it's a white guy enmeshed in the world of martial arts, much to his chagrin, and indeed falling ass backwards into it, which is amazing.

We start off this great credit sequence, these drums, Eric said, Eric, you said you had a soundtrack from these drum guys or a CD of these drum guys or something? Yes, I think it might have been the original motion picture,

score, soundtrack, or whatever, it's all. It's this drumming music by, Koto. Very good. My mother used to play this around the house. Oh, really? Yes. Sick.

That's so awesome. One thing just because it's a more obscure movie, just the logline is Christopher Lambert is an American businessman in Japan who witnesses a murder and is basically being hunted by a hunted, in quotation marks, by a ninja clan because you saw the guy's face. He is the titular hunted in this movie.

Lead you in. And it's not the Tommy Lee Jones one, sorry. You know, dude, I'll tell you what. There's several people across the world that do not read. I guarantee you some folks are tuning into this episode like, wait, where's Benicio Deltoro running away from Tommy Lee Jones? Just wanted to put that out there. There are 10,000 movies called The Hunt.

Yes. Many Italian ones that were never going to get to. Probably like 17 of them. The beginning was weird. I love the score. Absolutely. the score elevates this movie like a full star for sure. But it takes a second to kick me.

You have the cool proverb, which is quiet. And then like there's just like scenes of like, you know, feudal Japan like art, you know, kind of cool. While the opening title, John Lowe, you know, Christopher Lambert, John Lone, and there's no music. And I was like, I had, because it's happened to be before, I'm like, did Amazon fuck me on this? Is this the wrong file?

And then it starts to kick it. I'm like, okay, I'm good. Oh, thank God. Of course, you know, you need some boombastic music after you read the story. the scroll here of... I knew you wrote it all down. Here we go. One who is a samurai must be for all

things keep in mind, keep constantly in mind, my apologies. This is all written in there. The guy made a mistake and the proverb. I see. Yeah, he actually wrote my apologies. It's so crazy. And they left it in the movie. The proverb left track changes on when they were doing it. One who is a samurai must before all things keep

constantly in mind by day and by night the fact that he has to die. Bangor fucking proverb. guy 16th century. Didoji Uson. W.H.M. Stonographer, Eric Siska, I need to hear this now. Did you have to pause?

How many times you have to pause to get all that? Oh, wow. You're saying I can't type fast enough? I'm just, I'm just asking the question. I paused it. For half an hour, Chris. I replicated it in brush strokes. Ooh. But the setting here is Nagoya, Japan, which is cool. I love, you know what, like let's change it up a little bit.

Tons of, you know, especially like American released movies set in Japan. It's a lot of like Tokyo and whatnot. Give me a new city I don't know anything about that's pretty cool. But then you go and film it in Vancouver and it kind of takes away from that. But these cool, you know, B-roll of the city and everything looks really awesome. Christopher Lambert has just done some business deal that we don't see. Oh, no, but I'm a computer cheap salesman. We're selling computer cheeps to the Japanese, but this time next year, they're going to be

their own cheeps probably. I think it's like selling snow to Eskimos. Yeah. And he's thinking, hey, how about that? And I love this. This is all like ADR. It's not a real scene. It's like a taxi pulling up to a hotel.

And it's just all these co-workers of his like, Hey, Christopher Lambert, we're going out horrid. You want to come? And he's just like, I don't know, fellas. I think I'm going to stay in and have a drink at the hotel bar. There could be a whore there for you. Well, okay, just hold on, guys. I just really, it's okay that you want to go home.

I just really need to ask, what the hell did you mean by selling snow to the Eskimo? They have a lot of snow, right? So we're just, they wouldn't be by. What the fuck did you mean by that? Oh my God, I got to explain everything. The whole point is they have it, but I'm selling it to them. Okay, okay. Hey, how about next time we have to go to Japan on the business trip?

We don't bring Craig. He's fucking stupid. He doesn't get any of my fucking jokes. He's fucking stupid. This guy doesn't like whoring. I don't like him anyway. God damn, you're goddamn right, Chris Gap. Because one of the guys is like, I'm going to call up my friend who's an assistant

Geisha and she'll hook us up with her friends. Yeah, you know what's going on. And he's like, oh, actually, I'm pretty sure I could get it for free from Joan fucking Chen at the bar. I think I'll be doing that. Hey, Craig, you have to go out and pay for it because you look like fucking Craig. But I don't have to pay for it

because I look like fucking Christopher Lambert, international movie superstar, you fucking idiot. I'm going to pull Joan Chen for three. Hey, Craig, hey, yeah. No, we've been secretly paying for it for years. Years, I mean, God, we have the fucking, oh, my God, the bribes. Oh, my God, the bribes. Yeah, no.

Amazing. Craig slipped Joan Chan a few hundred. It'd be like, show my buddy a good time. He thinks he's above horrid, all right? He thinks the hairpiece works. He does. Also, this is Lambert, Prime Lambertare, back to where I want to see him. In intrigue, wearing a trench coat running around. There's so much Lambert in a trench coat in this film.

Watching this as a child, I grew up thinking one day, one day, Eric, you'll have a suit and a trench coat going on sexy business trips, and never came to pass. Look what they took from us. I will say I was genuinely surprised to not catch a ponytail on this guy, but then of course, like, he's a computer ship salesman.

It would make sense. He's more of a clean-cut businessman in this movie. Right. He has to interface with the people. They should cut back and forth with a nerd in the States helping him out. Yes.

It's a big fat guy, like a Wozniak. Like, there's ninjas coming to the train, boss. Oh, totally. They're in compartment four. Yeah, exactly. Little like microchip guy. Like he's got a command center or whatever. Department 5.

They're up to compartment 6. Just, I mean, let's put a name. Wayne Knight in front of a computer, drinking a diet Pepsi. And he's just, oh, yeah, if I reroute the train this way, it'll knock the ninjas off the top of it or whatever. That's what I love about this movie, though,

is, um, I truly like that Lambert is just this like every man dude who's thrown into this situation. I kept, because I'd never seen this movie before. And I kept waiting for, for the John Wick turned, be like, well, now I sell computer chips,

but you just woke up to Baba Yeager. And then he starts, like, killing people and he knows martial arts and everything. And, like, it's so against that expectation that I was, like, blown away is a little strong, but I was genuinely surprised that he wasn't a secret warrior. You should be blown away. And that's what's great about this,

like, kicking off White Guy Karate Month with a film that subverts it. You know what I mean? He's just taken along for the ride. He does sort of train a little bit later. But this is a more realistic portrayal of what an aloof American asshole would experience. We'll get to him, but that's also sort of my problem with the ending. You can fucking, kid Joe can have a broken leg and a stabbed arm. He is still cutting this dude up like a goose with that fucking thing.

With his left hand, right hand with his mouth. And the physics of her tossing him that sword at the end. I don't think that works. No, well, it'll get. But that's, see, that's the thing. And I feel like the end of the movie Strengthens the argument more That this is indeed a white guy karate movie

Because yes, there's all these dudes that could easily take him out This is not the other thing Yes He's trained for like a day and a half With a rusty sword And at the end of the movie The white guy best the fucking It's true

While drunk What? Half a day while drunk Yes, exactly It needs to be underlined He wasn't really remembering a lot of it So much sacking At first

when he gets to the hotel bar and yeah he's like oh shit Jonah Chen but he holy shit Josie Packard from Twin Peaks is right over there I love her work will she talk to me he must order because I look at this glass and I'm that whiskey need is my drink

wherever I go I enjoy it it's a good sipping church whatever church absolutely this this is a triple this is not a double this is like it's like half the glass maybe these are these are Japan pours dude Like, who knows what's going on over there? I've never had the pleasure.

And Joan Chen, who we should say is Chinese, is just getting slammed on sake at the end of the bar. Oh, yeah. Can I join you? Yeah, her name is Karina. And I do like this. She's like, he says like, oh, I sell computer chips or whatever. And she's like, you like computer chips?

Like trying to be all sexy about computer chip talk. Yes, they're doing. Delicious. I like a cool, ranch computer chip. Ooh, the spicy, sweet,

chili computer chip is delicious. Just eating. It's just, no, no, you misunderstand. They're just

very, very small. Chips, they're microchips, get it? No, it's supposed to cut up your mouth

like that. You're supposed to be bleeding from the gums all the time when you eat them. This is a better idea is like he keeps saying he sell a computer chips, but it's actually that's the brand of potato chips.

It's a fun thing. They look like computers, but they're cheap. But you eat them, you understand. Picture this, you're at the bodega, and it's an impulse checkout item when you're getting your fake potpourri marijuana. One month later, I'm sorry, guys, we're sunk. It was a fun idea for me and my friends,

but we really shouldn't have brought this to market. We had micro sales. Damn it, Greg. You fucked up a game. You fucking moron. This is a little bit of a red flag line here. He goes, so what do you do? And she goes, I drink socket.

He's like, well, should you drink anymore? And she's like, no. I'd like to drink some dick instead. He's like, oh, there's a drum concert in the park if you'd like to go. You could stop. Rinking yourself to death, maybe. Dude, this is a great cut right here because, yeah, he asks her out

to go to this, like, a Tyco drumming concert. And it just cuts to this dude with his ass out, just banging on these drums. Oh, right. Yeah. Dude, it's awesome. This guy. He's just got, like, a little slit on his crotcho, so it's just covering up the crack and his dick

and shit, but that's it. Dude, he's really going for it. Popular style in Japan. And this is the score, just kicking ass with the Tyco Drumbeats and this is when John Lone is coming into the hotel with his two dudes. Yes. Now we should say there's been criticism of this movie over the years because John Lone is a Hong Kong actor and he's playing a ninja here Japanese. But in the workprint and deleted scenes versions of the film, he that's mentioned. You know, that's why he was not respected,

his baseborn, etc. You could probably maybe explain Joan Chen the similarly because she's forced into prostitution by the Yakuza. Yeah, maybe that's why have this connection. Again, that's actually really interesting, right? Like, you know what I mean? These two expats in Japan like figuring it out and like, you know, they see each other and like, he's a assassin. He's like, oh, I shouldn't do it.

We got the ignorant cut. It's okay. It's fun. It makes no point whatsoever. I don't even understand like what fucking time do you make up cutting that out? Like you don't. Like, it doesn't make any fucking sense. You're thinking about like that's, he's, it was probably in the middle of some big monologue or whatever. they're like, look, it's fucking, what is it,

1990, 1995. We don't have the IMDB yet. Nobody's going to check on this shit. You know what I mean? I feel like that shit's like not thought about. Oh, no. And also people just, yeah, exactly. Way back when we were just casting Asian actors as

Willy nilly, which is, you know, they're all the same anyway. That was the thing. To be fair, you know, there's a subgenre in Kung Fu of like anti-Japanese movies where they're fighting the Japanese. And I'm sure. they've used Chinese actors for Japanese actors and vice versa.

It would be one, but like it's more interesting to do something like dual to the death where it is. At least that history is brought up in some. Great movie. Incredible great, fantastic movie. Yeah, duel to the death it's called. Hey gang, today's episode on The Hunted is sponsored by Game Time. One thing you got to know about me is that I love hitting up live events, sports,

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create an account and redeem code WHM for 20% off your first purchase. Download the Game Time app today, y'all. So, yeah, you see all these dudes. These are our ninja guys. They check into the hotel. You see I'm sort of getting all their ninja gear out, getting in the costume here. That's one ninja master and two apprentices. We got a discount. The code is, here's my ninja card. It's for my ninja business. I keep my ninja business on this.

My personal stuff's different. Ninja card. Don't leave home for battle without it. I do like that you tell your ninja assassins that you have come here on this ninja assassin mission with to make this one smooth. Like have it just been fuckups after fuckups going on before? They should have listened harder is what they should have done. These two fucking idiots.

Dude, they did fuck it up. Every single ninja ing is fucking up. They fuck up every ninja event almost in this. It's because you didn't fucking trust him. You tell them like make this one smooth. Oh, wait. The other ones weren't smooth. What the fuck?

Maybe you have pizza Friday, Kinjo. I mean, I just feel like the morale is shit. Well, it's something about one of it's, I don't know if it's Kinjo. that says it's one of the other guys or maybe it is Kinjo. Someone is talking about like this is their last job. Is that Kinjo that's saying that? The reason they want this to go smoothly

is because it's somebody's last job because there's the guy later in the movie he fights one of the guys and he's like you were going to be my success, you were going to be the guy who takes over for me me. So it would have been his last one and you just said to shut your mouth.

Oh God, getting killed by Christopher Lambert two days away from retirement. Rough stuff. But yeah, they enjoy this concert. And then he like, he does this thing, which I think is also in one of the trailers or something like, he's divorced. So like, I haven't done this in a while.

But in this movie, he just comes off as awkward where he's like, well, I guess I'll be going, beautiful Joan Chen. Maybe a date tomorrow, get some coffee. Maybe lay off the sacky a little bit. That's a good point. We know nothing about his character. We don't know anything about him. Well, there's a thing you know about Joan Chen,

which is apparently putting a key in a door as impossible for her. This is like the move. Like they go to her room and she's like fumbling with the lock on the hotel door and he's just like, can I try? And he like does it immediately. And I was like, what is that?

There's no struggle there. It's just a key in a door. I mean, she might be wasted. This might be a problem. I don't know, man. That's a good point about this whole scenario. I don't think, I think you need to all just go to bed.

Exactly. Great date attire that he's got here, too. I guess it was his business attire. It's the same clothes. But he's wearing these, like, really big, like, slacks you'd see on Carrie Grant, like these boxy, kind of baggy around the thigh slacks. Very old-fashioned looking, very nice looking. Yeah, for Pocket Pool.

He's dressed impeccably this whole movie. I think actually all the costuming is really good. Yeah. Yeah. But she says, you know, don't go if you don't want to. And he's like, I don't want to. Cut to this hotel room.

And Lambert, you are correct. He says in the movie, Nice room. She's got this huge hot tub room. It's awesome, man. It's perfect for porking, we come to find. Dude, yeah, a good hot tub fuck. It does.

It looks exactly like the Austin Powers scene. Almost to a tea. With a lot of vagina. Yes. Well, he, they just kind of get to it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, yes, thank you. I forgot about it.

She fucking pulls, she pulls down this dude's pants and he's got cartoon piglets on them. And she's like, oh, piggy's on your pants. He's like, yeah, I like pigs. Yeah. And she's just like, I like piggies too. And he goes, you're good. Yeah, I'm a good piggy. Oink, oink.

We're making bacon. Come on. You can pull my tail. You know, I actually When I put these on this morning, I really didn't expect Joan Chen to be looking at them. But now that you are, can I pork you?

How about is that doing it? I got to do something now. I'm just really amazed that no one is paying for this. I would assume someone would be paying for me to have this experience for me and my piggy boxers. Now that I've porked you, I'd like to be happy as a piggyie. and shit if you know what they mean.

Shit on me. Now, yeah, this part I will pay for. I understand the sex but a little extra for it. A little something I learned from my friend Sylvester. The pig design on the boxers looks like

the little pig statue that they have outside of Rudy's bar on 9th Avenue. Okay. Yes, yeah. Very famous pig statue. That's a fun fun and bad bar at the same time. They haven't been there in decades. They have a sensual sexual experience.

This is a great sex scene. It is. He also is going under, he's going downtown under underwater, which is, because I can blow some bubbles. This is a good excuse. It's a very good excuse for why it's not good. Right. No, it's just because I have to keep on going, I couldn't build up a momentum, you understand. have to breathe, don't I?

I was actually pretty impressed by the sex scene because it's that rare sex scene that's like incredibly sexy but not like, we don't have to simulate anything. You know what I mean? There's no like, I'm not pounding anything. You know what they're just sensual. Yeah, they're in this tub. You know what's going on.

He is going downtown hilariously under the water. So yeah, great sex scene all around. She's ready to kick him out and immediately afterwards, like, you must leave now. I will never be able to explain to you what tonight meant for me. She knows what's coming here. Exactly. And she's trying to rush him out of his room.

What if I cancel my flight and I don't know, follow you around the rest of your life? Dude, I would. But he's also like, okay. So that all happened in 20 minutes. You sure I don't have to pay anybody? Like there needs to someone I understand. Now I get it. Okay.

How much do I owe? you're going to pay the piper what is that mean baby Craig I mean no you were wonderful she he does leave she's wearing red by the way very important for the movie right for our future hallucinations dream states that is kind of like Schindler's list for some reason with her

in the red dress in black and white yeah a little weird John Lone and his two dudes I get three ninjas for one lady and one white guy. This should be fucking cake town. Really just in and out. We're getting fucking burgers

in 20 minutes. Even John Lohn is like, oh, we'll wait for the white guy to leave. We're not going to involve him. Who knows that? Yeah. So that he leaves. You kind of want to do that thing when like, you know, your parents leave and you're about to like, you know, beat off or whatever.

You want to give it like that five, that one minute in case they forgot their keys. You know what I mean? Been there. McCall, look at the window. Is the car down the street yet? Seriously, yeah. Are they out of sight or what's going on?

Oh, are those brake lights I just saw? Let me pull my pants back up. So, yeah, John Lohn right here, he's like, oh, I was told to do it as painlessly as possible. The hit that's been ordered on Karina. And she's like, you know, before you kill me, let me see your face. And she's like, I want this to be slow and painful because I want to remember what it was like. to be alive. And John Lone is just like, that's the fucking greatest answer I've ever had a murder victim

say to me. That's amazing. But then he said, yeah, but he paid for the painless package, so I got to do a quick. Sorry, lady, listen, it's not the work order here. I can't kill you quick. I can't kill you slow. Sorry. Quick and filthy is what he said. But so Lambert is walking down the hallway. He realizes, Oh, no, I've accidentally put her room key in my packet. Better go back and give it to her. Your old dog.

Go ahead for seconds. Yep. They called, oh, look what I did. Look what I forgot. I had to come back here, pulling the old Costanza with the clock. Right. Like, I left my comically large Russian hat. And so, you know, she, Josie, a Josie Packard.

Now that is her character on Twin Peaks. Karina is like, it's, she's, kind of like she has no fucks left to give she's really giving it to John Lone here she's like oh yeah takes great skill to butcher an unarmed woman well she also like you know this was her whole point like that's why she got the good room

the sex was a bonus hopefully it was good but she probably got a really good meal at some point maybe went to her favorite museum you know what I mean she had a drum concert yeah she had like a death day you know what I mean she knew it was going on like if this is it if John Lone didn't kill her here the room service bill

certainly would have I do love Lamb Bear sneaks back into the room and he sees what's going on and I wanted him to like grab a phone and be like Hello, front desk. Yet there are some ninjas in my lady friend's room. You better come up quickly. He does though.

He literally does. He picks up the phone and calls for help. And like these ninjas are just watching. Like someone needs to turn around. Like you know what I mean? Like everything I know about ninjas, like they have heightened senses. And these are the,

best ninjas as we're these are like the the top brass in the ninja world are these guys and they can't hear this guy's huge fucking footsteps entering probably blew a fart and then fucking picks up this phone is like excuse me there's a death going on in my room right now do you expect me to pay for this after all that fucking his heavy breathing my lord yeah you know the thing about it is like he should have never even gotten to the phone because if there's one thing i know about hotel rooms, there's never been a quiet hotel room door. Never. Yeah, exactly. In the history of fucking paying

to stay someplace that's not your home, there's never been a quiet door to a hotel room. Yes, hello, front desk. Hi, ninjas, keep doing what you don't mind me, ninjas, I'm good. Yeah, there's some ninjas kid that lady. It's not my room, but I don't, so I don't want to get the billed for it. Is that okay? And I definitely want to remind you about the wake up call. No, not this room. My room.

You know what? Maybe I'll go back to my room and do this part later. It doesn't make sense to do this from a different room. What am I thinking? You know, it's probably something that Craig told me about. Now, the mini-boscotch. Now, how much is that? Oh, wait, there's ninjas. I'll call you back.

I just wanted to say that the amount of toilet paper in my room is dangerously. Oh, yeah, oh, the ninjas. I'm 203. She's six. The death is in 603. That you should come immediately. But while I have you. The toilet paper situation is a little dire.

Actually, you know what? They just cut her fucking head off. We'll need toilet paper in both rooms. One for me shitting and one to wrap up all the blood that is just spilled on the floor. Might want to get some towels in here too. Just a couple towels that might soak up the blood as well, a couple, you know, some heavy-duty ones. I had a question for you, team, because you brought it up, Andrew. Is this an implied decapitation or is this an implied throat slitter?

I'll tell you right now. I have your answer. It is a 100% decapitation because Lambert, like, survives or whatever. They fucking find him. But right after the blade swipe, it cuts to the cop outside, and he just says, the woman was decapitated. It's literally the first thing out of the dude's mouth. Okay.

Yeah. He's like on the radio or on the phone or something. He's just like, yeah, this woman was just decapitated. I don't know. Smells like ninjas. John Lone is the one who notices this fucking white guy on the phone like, yeah, huh? Okay.

Man, this hold music's ridiculous. Now, that's one tuck and one no tuck. Oh, oh, ninjas. The ninjas are attack him. One throws a star and then another one cuts it at his throat. And you hear the cops who they leave. Again, like, you can't kill. Like, this is, when he kills these guys later because he thinks it's, you know,

like incompetence that you can't forgive. I agree with them. I actually agree. But it's on him. I'm sorry. He should not have let them wear headphones on this job. Yeah, you're right. I think that's a probably you know what, maybe if you would build them up a little bit more, then maybe

they could do that. But that's, I mean, that's all on them. This is all on them. They should die. So there's like, you know, they find like the ninja darts and everything. And this inspector is laughing. And boy, the ninjas get the last laugh on this asshole. But in this scene, he's just laughing at the notion

that it could be ninjas, this, that, and the other thing. As if, and I understand it's not like as predominant or whatever, but he's acting as if ninjas are the same as like fucking dragons. Like there's some fucking mythical, whatever, he's like, ninjas, get out of here, Christopher Lambert. To his point, it's like, I mean, translate this movie

directly to America. It would be like civil war reenactors attacking each other, right? Like, the Confederate guys are still warring. Isn't that what's happening in Minneapolis right now. You're right, actually. So it is happening. And so you should believe that there is a ninja cult. Well, there's a, in the trailer,

the trailer I saw, it's like, it just starts as like, you know, like, it could happen to any foreign traveler. Oh, get one of those going. It's a left guy like, hey, would you like a drink? And like, and then like the ninja's murder her. And I'm like,

it couldn't happen to anyone though, right? Because there aren't really ninja bands running around Japan. No, you have to be you have to be scared to ever leave your country. It's true. Yeah. You can't travel anywhere. You can't see how other people in the world live. You can't experience new cultures

because you're going to be kidnapped, raped, and killed. So you've got to stay where you are and watch your little Christopher Lambert movies and be scared about the outside world. You could be the hunted. You could be red cornered. You don't know. Plenty of things could happen to you. Sure.

Yep. I love Lambert waking up in the ER because like it's him thinking about the sex scene and then he wakes up in the bed like oh right my throat was cut well he's like oh is this i didn't realize this hospital was in sin city apology but yeah you see it like being stabbed in the stomach in the hand and whatever and this is one of these directorial flourishes i was talking about you see it's this cool effective like it's joan chin's head and then everything around her is all of a sudden

like surrounded in red and then that turns to like blood and everything. It's very cool to like come out of this nightmare that he's having. I'm going to get that yellow bastard for what he did to my poor Joan Chen. He was handing out

microchips like it was candy. She has a dame to kill for, right? Everybody. Yes. I could have played Marvin that movie. I just didn't want to. they definitely asked me though Robert Rodriguez was calling

over and over again so the next day this detective guy here he goes to this dojo where we have our this is the doctor the doctor what he's doing his surgery he finds

the because there's the bald dude oh the bald yes the bald dude is the doctor that he right the hilarious shot of this dude throwing a bloody ninja star into like a surgical tray. Like you take out like a bullet. It's just this huge ninja star just crashes into this tin tray. And that tips him off that, oh,

this is this ninja clan. Because the detective, who I will call Detective Cheeseburger, because that dude just amazing. Dude, I love this guy. Masumi Okha, oh, oh, Oaconda. Yep. He's apparently, he's been in tons of movies in like the 50s and stuff. He was in 1980s showgun, which that showgun is very good. Also the producer of Battle Royale. That's it.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. Bair to the gold coffin and apparently then. Yes, yes, he is also dead. But yeah, so this doctor, you're right. So he's a doctor, he goes to this. I think it's, what do they call this?

Kempo? Yeah, with the sticks and whatever. It's this like Kempo Doj or whatever. And this is where we meet. Yes, Sensei Takata, played by Yoshio Harada. And then his wife, Meiko, played by Yoko Shemada. And this dude is like, hey man, I think we got some ninjas

afoot here. You want to stop your training for a second? I'd tell you all about these ninjas. And he's got like the photo of the star or whatever. And this dude knows exactly what's up because he's just like, Kinjo has finally made a mistake. And like this,

because he's alive. For leaving Lambert alive, yes. Takeda is so cool. This is when the movie, you know, like whenever Takeda's not on screen, I'm like, oh, where's Takeda?

Like, you know, like that's just sort of, because it is, I understand all of the white guyness of it all, but like, it's this movie without Christopher Lambert is probably a better cooler move, you know? Yeah. Oh, for sure.

So, yeah, so we go to the hotel. They visit him at the hotel, the hospital at this point. This is where it's some of that the black and white kind of stuff, like Lambears is black and white and Joan Chen comes in like in color and he's like remembering the hit all over again

and whatever. But then, Yeah, this is... The big fat kill that I'm remembering. From Sin City. But yeah, Takeda Sensei, you know, he's a master of nujitsu and a member of a great samurai family, we're told. And this dude also wound up being in some... Just one or two choreata movies, Chris. Ooh.

Like, he's in Still Walking. And I think he's also in I Wish, which is a... still walking. It's great. Both of those movies are very beautiful. Very not this kind of movie, which is cool. They're just like, you know, family dramas and things like that. But yeah, yeah, so the cop is like, look,

Lambert, like, you're in great danger here. These guys are members of the Makato cult. Kinjo's their leader, blah, blah, blah. And so Mrs. Takeda's like, we have to take you to this safe island place that we have off the coast of, and then Sensei is just like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. We're not taking him to the island. This guy's already fucking dead. He just doesn't know it yet. I'm not wasting my time with this white guy.

Yeah. You know what? He should have. You just leave him to die. And then you know, your pretty castle's intact. That's the thing. That's the thing with the cat. Not only is he cooler. He's right all the time. He's continuously correct. It's unbelievable how correct

he is. Because he's constantly like, no, just let the white guy die. Everything will be better if you just let the white guy die. Just let the white guy die. He's got a badass fucking line. He says his wife, he goes, you know, basically he says, like, Lambert is not going to last long enough to make a phone call. He says, fuck yeah. So does Decatur and his wife live on this island, which we see later, which is the last act? Or is just like they're coming over every other weekend kind of a situation?

That's an interesting question. Depends on what his schedule is. It's his family. Apartment in the city. Oh, yeah. A little bit of a sure. And then you go out there. as often as you can, and eventually

you would hope eventually you can just move out there. Well, because you need the Pietitare in the city so you can keep, you know, doing your Kempo classes like late into the night and whatever, and you don't have to commute back to the island. But, you know, Friday night through, you know, Sunday night, you are back at the island homestead. I like this

how he's a hypocrite, like he's living it up in the city and then he's making all the people that live on his island live like they're Amish. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, he's going to like all these hip noodle bars and stuff, like at dinner with friends. renting tapes on VHS. So, yeah, Kenjo's so fucking pissed off

that the followers let Lambert live is the idea. We're at ninja school now, by the way. Any time we're at ninja school, my year's perk right up. I'm like, I love this stuff. It's awesome. And, you know, the whole thing also is the only reason that even give a shit about coming after Lambert

is because he's seen Kenjo's face is the whole thing. So he's like, wow, you guys. must have planned to betray me because you let this guy see my face and then fucking just let him leave. I know he's the best ninja guy in the world, but I'd be like, well, what's taking your fucking mask off when you're not supposed to, huh? Look, what's that about? And that's a Joan Chen thing, right? Because she's like, take your mask off. I want to see the face of the person who kills me. So, yeah, this is all on you, Kenjo. That's balls. Yeah, that's too much balls. But I mean, honestly, but I'm sorry, but him getting in that hotel room and not being hurt, that is, that's on them.

I know. It's still, I, he, it is a big ball move. I get that and it's a little bit on him. But he is right to do exactly what he does here, which is fucking decimate these two guys? He tells what, is he leaving the one to actually bake in the sun with his neck? Because like it looks like he just kills him right there and that's it.

Well, he says to make him suffer to his number two there. So I guess they'll drag him out to some feel to do something. Right. Yeah, well, it's like, oh yeah, we'll make you suffer. number two is the dude from ninja turtles Andrew, you said there was two Ninja Turtle guys I didn't find the second one. Oh, dude. Well, so yeah,

Kinjo's number two in this movie is Toshiro Obata and he's the dude who plays Tatsu in the first two movies. He's like Shredder's number two. But then where are we here? Let me just look up the yeah, there it is. The guy

who plays a little later in the film Joan Chen's husband that called out the hit is James Saito playing Nimura in this movie. He played The Shredder. Oh, wow. Okay, that's cool. Oh, yeah, that is. Wow, I didn't realize that. That's amazing yet. He's playing here a Yakuza boss. Yes, that's right. He works for the Yakuza. That's right.

But also, what should have called there? Kidja is number two. Not in a couple of scenes, but you kind of want a cool ninja fight with him. You don't get it. You just don't get it. Yeah, that would have been a cool, like, like, lamb bear should take on that guy in the final fight. Or the drunken blacksmith. Oh, dude, I love you talking to. That drunk and blacksmith, that's such a great character. I love, because, like, that's, like, a trope from martial arts movies.

There's always, like, the fun, drunk guy kind of character. It's relatable, right? Fuck, yeah. I love putting my face in a big bowl of sake like that, dude, blowing bubbles and chugging. Yes, you know, alcohol like a dog. Doing all that while dealing with liquid hot metal. That's always the best thing to be doing. Dude, live on the edge, Chris Cabby.

Fire, motherfucker. Well, he didn't watch, he didn't watch the opening of it, which tells you that forging is dangerous, guy. Be careful. Let me ask you this, that forged and fire program, Steve.

Are we ever making cool katanas, or is it all lame Lord of the Rings shit? No, no, we go to other cultures. That's how they keep it on the history channel, we understand. First, it's like, you know, it's like, oh, he make a fucking, make a knife out of bike parts or whatever.

That's round one. When you get to the third, round or whatever it's here's here's this ancient sword from history that this culture used and it's either you know they do go around the world with it that's all right that's cool then all right but they don't have any drinking games as I'm

like hey you're halfway into heating this thing take a shot Chris have you seen the guys that go on that show you can't be drinking around hot sources with those guys they can't even stand there and make their swords without the EMTs being called then they got to fucking get back to clue get back to

man because the guy right here is doing it easy peasy. It's true. I love to do this Kynjo getting this fucking sponge bath three way that's going on. Well, because he's like, I just killed my underlings. You know, I've taught, taught them about how not to fuck me over. I shall now retire to the blowjob room. And like, totally. Very much. My blowjobatorium I have here. Well, I saw that wild. That white guy had a really good sex scene. Well, I got to have a better one than that. Me too. And I, I'm going to sit here and have the weirdest blow job that. ever been had and just see how have them work around the two well because this girl junko is going down on his junk and then the other girl like tries to leave and junko's like no no no no and

I think what we're doing here is we got a little fucking oral sandwich going on where she's eating his ass you see you know what I mean at the same time junko's doing her thing in the front end there you know wild yeah I wrote wild three-way break down junco is also like kind of like his evil. Like, the other woman just seems more like in the, you know. It's a sexual bidet if you will. Yes, exactly. But Junco is like a ninja equal as well. Right. Yes. Marri Natzuki, who apparently is a big voice actress that's done stuff for Isle of Dogs, Metal Gear Solid 4, spirited away. Oh, that's cool. She's also in some really good samurai fiction, which, you know, I know, he kind of sucks now. But I did get recommended. Tarantino talked about it somewhere

as a big influence on Kill Bill. It's a great movie if you ever get a chance. Also, really, I think it's on YouTube still. It's a weirdo Japanese horror movie called Death Powder. Worth looking at.

It's a weirdo movie, but it's really good. She's got a good look to her. She's a very cool, like, and she's like the one who's talking about the gods and so on and so forth. It's about like, you know, the spiritual aspect of why he fucked up so bad. And like the woman's spirit still alive

connected to this fucking white guy. You got to kill this. this white guy, you know, so she is kind of like an equal to him in a lot of ways. Yeah. And speaking of that white guy, we cut back to Lambert in the, I keep saying hotel the hospital.

He's in the fucking hospital, Andrew. It looks like a nice hospital. Well, yeah, it's Japanese healthcare. But Steve, you mentioned the B word before. He's watching the TV. There's this commercial for a bidet. Oh, yeah. We have like just a very simple,

tushy bidet in this house, but I want to save up some money. Get one of these fucking Japanese robotor toilets, man. These things, they're talking to you, they're playing music, there's heat control. It's amazing what they're doing with your asshole over there. That was the shit they were doing back in the aughts. They had all that shit down. At this

point, the robot actually goes up and takes the shit out of your body. There's a hand that goes up and very gently opens your assholes. A hand? Sounds quite unpleasant. I'm not to get fisted every time I go to the bathroom. Look, you're just not as advanced as the Japanese here. You don't know. You're not ready for this. Oh, I love

to be in Japan. Hey, choppy. Help me out back here. out my asshole. Wow, this is so ultra-futuristic. It's just like having the Terminator two-hand in a new way. Wow, what an advanced society. Every time I take a shit, I get fisted here. What a weird idea.

Get your friend the medical robot over here. I don't want to sound insensitive. But is there a button to make that not happen? the last time was quite unpleasant. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you turn those off and then we put them in bookstores. It's where you look up what titles where. We like to shift things around here in Japan. So we cut to some ninjas like storming this building and killing some folks, and we don't really know what's going on just yet.

But they're doing cool ninja stuff here, and we cut back to the hospital. And this cop is back there. Detective Cheeseburger, by the way, walking up the stairs, gives his underling the cheeseburger. He's like, hold this for me, which is great. I'm not done with this. That's like, that is a fucking power move, man. Hold my fucking food that I could hold myself. Oh, yeah.

That rocks. So he's telling Lambert. This is where he's like, look, there's no ninja cults in Japan anymore. You know, ninja stories are just to frighten people. He's like, oh, there's this story about, everybody thinks there's this secret farm town full of ninjas, and they're kidnapping kids and just teaching him to be ninjas. We got some, you know, jokes here for us, the American audience, because he says like, you're safer in this room than you would be strolling down Central Park.

Right. 95, everyone's like, oh, you'll be murdered doing that. Absolutely. He says, we don't have ninjas as the guy says, we don't have ninjas as much as you don't have cowboys in Manhattan is his comparison here. And meanwhile, this other dude is setting up a bow and arrow across the street. But that's what's awesome, those you don't know. that he's across the street. The editing of this

is awesome because it's two separate scenes. You have no idea the spatial relations between these two scenes. And then the cop goes, Detective Cheeseburger, he says, and after all, ninjas are no match for police officers carrying a modern gun. And then an arrow explodes through

this guy's fucking neck. Holy shit. Does he does he do a cheeky, baby I was wrong. I think he has a little something like that. He certainly does. Dude, going out. I am appreciate. You know, you know you're dying. You have a fucking sharp piece of wood through your throat. And your last thought is to make a fun little quip for someone around you before you die.

As this poor detective cheeseburger is dying, Lambert goes, maybe. Yep. Yep. Yep. Maybe let him have this one, Lambert. How about that? Yeah, I agree. I mean, but I do think it was a great, looking ahead, taking that cheeseburger out, because a pickle could have slipped into Lambert's fucking neck wound. If he goes off like that, he gets shot with the air, that thing could go anywhere. Oh, no, the vinegar stings. Oh, no, my neck wound. I got a pickle in it.

I have an affection. Y'all, I do. I already know. I have an infection. Oh, what? Ninjas. Speaking of those ninjas, Lambert's doctor, that dude gets stabbed to death. All those cops in the hallway, the dude holding the cheeseburger, they're fucking murdered amazingly.

It's kind of like Halloween, too, but it's ninjas instead of Michael Myers. Better mood. movie. And this is where, so I was waiting, right? Because this is, it's the siege on the hospital, right? If there

were ever a moment, and this is where I realized like that it wasn't going to be this kind of a movie, right? But if there were ever a moment where this character, whatever Racine, Paul Racine, right, if he was secretly a, you know, until today, a sleep

Baba Yaga kind of assassin guy, this would be the time where he comes out of retirement. And instead, Lambert just like has the cop's gun and he kind of just nervously like kills one guy and I was like oh he's just a dude in this movie and that's awesome I think you might be right though

that's more of a modern contrivance of like your post taken you messed with the wrong guy kind of right yeah we used to root for the every man who yeah just John McClain's yeah exactly instead now we root for war criminals like oh I hope this war criminals

activated and has PTSD and kills everyone pretty much that'd be great because yeah I think that's it's an interesting change because it's also like

your least favorite thing Eric is that training it's like well if he hasn't trained how is he which I'm complaining about the end of this movie so I get

yeah look it comes for us all so Lambert is walking the streets this is where he's got this cool raincoat and this is fucking hilarious neckerchief covering his his wound here it's just a bandage

but he's walking this street he goes and do a what it's a Pachinkko Pichinko parlor, yes. And this is great. I love, I love his interaction with this little girl at the Pichinko parlor and like, can you

get me a phone, help me call, you know, where's a phone? Hello? What does he do to like to get her to understand he means telephone? He called, oh yeah, telephone, I forget exactly, but yeah, go ahead. I was going to mention the taxi moment. The taxi's good. Well, Chris, are you

the only one here who's been to Japan? Yeah, I think so, right? Yeah. It's my list. I really got to go. It's incredible. Did you go to a pachinko parlor? I did. I just walked through it. I'm not much of a gambler. He got kicked out for eating all the little

ball bearings. They're very tasty. I thought they were bubble tea. What do you want from me? No, I mean, I went into one. I looked at just to kind of see what they're like, because I've seen a lot of movies where there's gangsters in there with doing that. So it's

kind of cool. It was right next to the ramen shop that me and Sof went to while we were there for lunch. Well, it's funny. The Yakuza supposedly does have a large hand in those things because, like, I guess the whole thing is those ball bearings that they use and you get like prizes or whatever because like gambling's illegal. So it's like this way there's no money exchange.

But then like you can take those like winnings or whatever and then go to like a pawn shop and like they'll give you money and those pawn shops are run by Yakuza. Let's not blow up their spot. I think they're bravely run. by Yakuza. And I would love to travel to Japan one day. But also I learned I need to go to Vancouver because this is beautiful. Yes.

Also, I mean, honestly, the mafia should get involved with that here. Just do that in Chuckie cheese. Like you get all your big combs or whatever. Right. You turn that up the cold hard cash kind of a thing. Right. Or, you know, I was going to say skip the cones all the get. Like you just take your red little circus tickets.

Oh, yes. All right. Yeah, you got 500 circus tickets at, I don't know, 150 bucks. all right yeah congratulations on your winnings so yes he says the little girl like find me a phone whatever he calls Mrs. Takeda here

and she's like look meet us at this train station will be good to go while he's on the phone this is amazing yes these ninjas casually slinking into the Pachinko parlor pretending to gamble all wearing trench coats and they look like ninja turtles with these so awesome it's it's Raff going to the movies

they just all of these trench coats on like yeah I'm gambling yeah I'm definitely not watching this white guy in the phone booth. And this whole sequence, the Pichinko, this it lines up, this is the beginning of the movie I would like to see. This is where we're starting

the movie I like in this movie. It starts right here. It ends at the end of the train. It starts here and he's like, I bet you're wondering how I got into this mess. Honestly, he gets out of a taxi. He's holding his neck. It's bleeding a little bit. And like, he's just like,

Yeah, it looks a little weird, doesn't it? We're going to have to go back two weeks to tell the whole story. No, he doesn't have to do that. You don't have to do that? No, no, no. Chris, you have to hear about how I got laid in the hot tub. Don't care. I know you were terrible at it. It is righteous. But I think the hospital assault is pretty cool, especially when he gets out. Now he's got this gun, too, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. Which he uses in this Pichenko parlor as like a distraction. He waves the gun around and he's like, like, you know, this is just like gambling. It leads to mental destruction. He's fucking, you know, crazy. Yes, it has to stop. He shoots one of these things.

It has to stop. And then he runs outside to get the taxi that the little girl called for him and she's in it. Oh, yeah. What is that? Great. But this is really, the first time I watched this,

I was really worried. We were not the pervert thing. I was worried we were getting a fucking teenage sidekick. Oh, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. Yes, yes. Yeah, I was not worried about any, like, essay or anything like that.

I was just like, this is about to be really annoying. And then, like, they get to the train station and he's like, good job, little girl. Now I'm going to pay the driver to take you home safely and be out of the movie. And I was like, fuck yes, the hunter. He also directs them to the train station through, ah, you know, cho cho choo. Do, do, too. Very good. Chagachacha, chagga, chugga, chugga, choo, choo.

So that's the first line. It's a dialogue in the Chris Gavin. he crawls out of this fucking parlor and is just like choo choo choo I'd be like oh great it's a movie where this dude can't fucking speak for some reason awesome he's just saying sounds

um I was gonna say oh I love the cabby complaining too he's like god I always get all the fucking late night weirdos I think that guy thinks there's some nefarious stuff going on he's still white guy white businessman with a fucking 12 year old girl you're like I don't like the sounds of this

yep So we get into the station here. Sensei's impressed that Lambert has now outlived these dudes twice. He's really like, damn, I cannot believe this guy isn't fucking dead. And because it's Japan, she could take him into a bathroom and he could change and like actually clean himself in a meaningful way as opposed to like, oh, there's two hobos fucking in there. Can't do that. It's a train station bathroom. What am I going to do?

Not do anything, I guess. Let them fuck in there. I don't care. At least open them. And this message to Zoran Mondani, if he is listening. I agree. Because the Harlem train station, they made a big huff a few years ago about reopening these goddamn bathrooms. There's a sign on the bathroom that it is open until 9 p.m.

It is always padlocked. And I'm not going to go around asking, oh, I get you in the bathroom. Get you help. So Lambert has another dream here, but this is like a weird vision thing where he's dreaming about getting this sword from a sexy lady. And then he wakes up and this is, Mr. Takeda, he asked the sense, or she, I think it's the wife asked, like, did you have a vision or whatever? And she explains, like, that he was dosed with, like, ninja poison or whatever. And he's like in small doses. It can help you see things.

And then this I did not expect at all. He goes, I'll remember to take some before my next Grateful Dead concert. Hell yeah. Dude, I was like, this movie was made for me. What is going on here? Just next time, you know, I know, are they still touring, right? I know they've had losses, but are they still touring? Or the Dead and Co?

Well, Dead and Coe was going on, but then Bobby just passed away a couple weeks ago, so I don't know. I would assume something will come up, but I was going to suggest if something does come up, you go and throw ninja stars at everyone that just lace some shit up and just start hock it. With the names of the songs you want played on it. Oh, yeah, Requests. Here you go. Pugh, Cassidy, Poo! Touch of Grey!

And, you know, they get on this, it's a bullet train, it's a really cool thing. And you know who else gets on? Ooh. A bunch of our ninja friends pretending to be golfers. Yes. It's cool how they set this up because it's only like the two guys who are beaten up

that you see get on. You're like, oh, it's just these two ninjas. It's going to be this cool sequence where they're, but no, there's like a bunch of them. And it's like, they just get into full ninja gear, because it's daytime and it's a white train. They're wearing white ninja outfits. And that's so fucking cool.

It's very cool. I appreciate the change of costume. And you know, you should have known they were ninjas because they're, you know, these golfers, if you find a well-fit golfer, it's a professional.

So ask him where he is in the PGA. And if not, he's probably a ninja because most golfers are what, three bills these days? Oh, easily. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I respect the hell out of the fact that it's not just,

not just plain old white. You got a good, like, toasted marshmallow look for this. Yes. Ensembles. It really are. It brings out something. Closer to a tope. And this is what Junko is like, listen, we can't leave any of these fucking people alive because

they've seen his face. And we're going to send a message to the world that this is what goes on. It's also because he used, he used a crowd to get away last time. That's right. Kill the entire crowd. He's got nowhere to go. Yeah, totally. Also, just seeing a fucking bullet train in action, man,

we've got some B-roll of an actual bullet train here. Man, just the United States infrastructure. Just God fucking damn it, dude. I will say that was definitely one of the coolest things I did while there was go on. Oh, you took a bullet train? Oh, yeah, it was fucking awesome. What I like about this is, like, you have to imagine, she's saying all this

and it's like we've got to kill them all. We're going to kill everyone on this train. Like, boss, it's the, it's rush hour, man. Don't you worry? Our fucking arms might be tired by the time you get to the guy who actually knows how to do this shit. Like I, is it maybe not? No, we're killing them all.

I'm going to be hacking through so much bone. My sword will be a little duller by the time I need to get to the dude. That's true. Exactly. Did someone bring a travel wet stone? Are we going to be able to sharpen mid-battle? All right, let me ask this. Do we have to check that they're dead?

Can we just make hope it's an artery or something and we just go and move on? Because if we have to check, we're not going to get anywhere. I can't spend all afternoon taking pulses. I really just, at this point, before they say kill everybody, I was expecting like two or three ninjas. We'll see Takeda in action. It'll be a cool bullet train fight. My jaw was on the floor. I'm like, holy shit, this is happening right now.

It's an incredible sequel. It's so baller. First things first, Junco and those goons make sure to kill all the dudes that know how to drive the train. That's very important. She comes up to the door like, oh, I have tea for you, and like they open the door to the train cockpit, I guess.

And she just fucking slaughters these guys. It's so awesome. You have a damn good conductor. And then the sense is great here because they get to the snack car, like the bar car or whatever. And he clears out the room by just brandishing the sword. And he's like, you need to get out of here. And then I love he's like, well, we're not going to be able to have a super cool ninja fight in this train car.

Unless I destroy all these wooden columns where people are placing their drinks. Yes. Altering the space for fighting is pretty cool. I just love these ninjas killing every single passenger, all these businessmen, women, whatever. And those top uniforms are getting red pretty quick. Oh, hell, yeah. I'm an American, so I'm going to die in some sort of mass casualty event. And, you know, please let it be ninjas as opposed to some fucking fat guy with a grudge.

Could it please? Is it either sanctioned by the state or not? Fat guy with a grudge? That's where it's leading more than likely. I would just very much prefer a ninja to cut my head off in a fucking concert, my next concert. You know what I mean? It's just cooler. Could we get people?

I know people love guns. Could we get them, you know, the assault rifles, you turn it in, you get a cantana. And maybe you come after me that way. Guys, I hate that. But all of these implements you're suggesting, they take skill to wield in a dangerous way. I'm guns. You don't really have to have any skill.

True. I'm sorry, Chris Cabin, but I'm a listener and you have to stand a certain way. Excuse me? To shoot the gun right? You got to stand a certain way. Oh, I guess, yes. That you didn't know that. got to aim in a certain area.

You got to put your arm in, you know, like this. I'm a little behind because I just finished the first season of the pit, which is amazing. Is the second season of the pit? Does it end with crescendo with a ninja attack that they have to take care of? Is that what's going on? It's weak to week, man.

Like, fucking real television should be. So I don't know yet. But there might be a ninja attack in the pit season two. I think someone was saying something about ninjas at some point. Oh, fuck, there was a ninja attack at pit fest. Fott. Pit Fest is fucking cursed. Yes, it's setting it up.

Last year the mass shooting, now the ninjas, are you fucking kidding? Pit Fest is rude. See the fucking gun exchange for Catanas didn't work. Pit Fest is ruined again. I mean, they have, I think this is direct stuff from Langdon when he comes back. I think that's, you hear that,

those words specifically. Oh, that's where Langdon was actually. He wasn't in rehab. He was, no, training with katana. Ninja school. Ninja school it was. I tried to say, I tried. The ninja star was just too deep.

It was just too deep. I tried. And then John Federman says, let's start thinking how the ninjas are thinking, okay? That's true. Worry about them, too. Let's turn down the temperature. Yeah, but then that guy tried to take his sweatshirt off

and he got lost in it and then three weeks went by. Fucking dipshit. But this sequence is so fucking cool. It's awesome. The Takeda's both doing battle here. He's got the sword, obviously. She's badass with this bow and arrow fucking murking all these ninjas. It's great.

Because, yeah, they're cowardly killing all these people. And then Decatur comes in. He just starts fucking murking them. And he's doing this cool thing, which is the door. You swipe at the bottom of the door and it blocks it. It makes spark noises. Amazing. Now the doors stay shut.

So the ninjas have to kick down these door. It gives you ample time to shoot them with arrows. Mm-hmm. Yes. And he's doing a lot of, he's walking through the chain cars. He's got the sword out. But his other hand is just casually in his pocket. And he's badass is walking.

he's telling all the people like very calmly he's like there are bad men on this train coming this way you need to go this way right now says the guy with the sword and hand in his pocket it's so cool because like again like anytime a dude has a dude I mean like this is Highlander you know what I mean it's a sword with a

fucking trench coat that's why that movie works and Henry Cavill better take notes and better we wear it a fucking long jacket at some point I'm sorry this is this is not it's not the trench coat that makes him cool it's the ruffle shirt with the tie. That is his thing.

That is more of a trench coat. I get the coolness of a trench coat. But I want this is a particular look and I thought he really knocked it out. You know why you couldn't have Lambert do it again here because then it would be what is he, Highlander? Yes. Yeah, yeah. No, thank you.

Chris, you're right though. His ruffled shirt and the tie is definitely like cowboy bebop vibes too. Much closer to that kind of thing. He's just a badass looking fucking character here. It's awesome. So yeah, he's just going, fucking killing all these ninjas. Dude, I think I, I didn't pause it. But again, my jaw dropped.

It's a Sensei versus Junko. He fucking gets her. Oh, my God. And then she goes, no one will see my face. And she puts the katana to her forehead and scrapes her own face off. Yes. It's awesome. Good God.

Now we cut away. We don't see a big slop and heap on the floor or anything. No, it's classy. It's classy. I love this movie since I saw it as a kid for all these reasons. It's just, it goes there. And then, you know, all the ninjas have been dispatched. But Kinjo here, we got a little Sensei versus Kinjo fight.

And this is badass. It's not Kidjo. It's the other, whatever. Because Kidjo is the main guy. We're talking, it's Sensei versus Kid. Because it's whomever is leading this operation that's not Kid Joe. No, no, no, no. That's right.

Yes. They think he's Kinjo, though. in this moment. Yes. They believe he's Kinjo. We have this fight. I love the, because Lambert's got this fucking gun and Sensei's got to be like, no gun.

The gun goes off. The fucking window blows out. It's so awesome. But they kill the guy and then, yes, turns out the dead guy is not Kinjo. I love this like dragon, dragon Christopher Lambert around the train. Is this Kinjo? Is this Kinjo?

Are you sure this one is not Kinjo? You think I would forget his face? Maybe. Get me a towel. This one's really bloody. Hold on. Just stay right there. This could be kid.

Just wipe the shit off. Wait a second. No, it fell into the corner. Get that decapitated head. Is that kinjo? Get that. Pick that up. I do love Sensei getting questioned by these cops afterwards.

This fucking awesome. I'm just a lowly martial arts teacher. I was traveling with my sword because I teach martial arts. It's great because one of the cops is like, oh, no, he's a hero. He's a good guy. he's fine. He says that everybody on the train is saying that he's a hero. Yes. Yeah. And then we're going to

need your sword for evidence. And the only way he's going to give it to them is he fucking breaks it in the coolest way possible. It's so awesome. And these cops are shitting too because he pulls the sword out and they're like, oh, is this the end of Detective French fry? No, he's just further damaging the train company's property

by just stabbing it into the floor and then breaking it. Oh, dude. I feel like we're taking all the cars of this bullet train and dumping them out the sea to make a new fucking coral reef out there. You can't have people back on this train. Well, I mean, like, this company's going bankrupt. This is like, this is Ninja

11 at this point. How many people died on this train? We are wearing armbands for a couple of weeks. Elton John is writing a song about this. Absolutely. Like, we are really getting into it. Like a sensee in the wind. We'd prefer if you didn't make songs about it, actually.

The white people, if you could not do that that'd be great. Ninja stars and candy bars. It was in poor taste to invite the vapors to play that song during the concert for the ninja victims. Not good. So they get on this boat to the island and we learn a little more about the back story here. It is indeed been the Makato clan versus the Takeda clan for over 200 years. And when Kinjo comes, Takeda will fight him, we're told.

Yeah. And now we're at Samurai school, which is very different, very similar, but different to ninja school. Right. Decatur just kind of lets everybody know. It's kind of that thing in the Stampy episodes of the Simpsons when the peanut factory guy is like, I told you this would happen. And we've trained for it every day. And you all laughed at me because he just grabs everybody.

He's like, listen, that fake ninja cult that everybody says doesn't exist. They're actually coming here very soon. Hell yeah. fucking training. The event we've been preparing for is upon us. That's why you're going to help me for something that happened hundreds of years ago. Yeah, absolutely. Now, let me just shove this white guy in the fucking bin somewhere.

Where's the closet I can fucking shove this eye? Here you go. Drunk guy. Here, take this guy. Put him on ice. They make him like the butler to the drunk guy. It's great. It's so awesome.

He goes to the drunk guy and he's like, listen, you've got to make me the best sword that you've ever made. He's like, my swords don't break. How'd you break it? And it's this cool. And again, like, this is now kind of should be Decatur's movie. And Christopher Lambert is the white guy that's like, oh, is everything okay? I'll be safe over here. Dude, just kill him halfway through. Kill him on the bullet train. It's like psycho or something. We're just following

this other narrative now. I love that. Yeah, no, that would be kind of great. Again, not having seen this movie before, at this point, I started thinking back to, um, what's that sagu? doll movie we did with the we had the coma cat bit. Hard to kill.

Hard to kill. I thought it was going to be a hard to kill thing where it's like, okay, the first part of that movie, and obviously hard to kill gets it going way earlier, but like, okay, he was injured or whatever. Now we're on this island. And I thought like a bunch of time was going to pass. And he was going to train and turn into like a real deal samurai warrior guy right here. But again, bucking the expectation. No, we're not training this guy really with anything. He's just drinking sake with the drunk fucking swordsman and it's awesome. Well, he like gets tricked into doing like his work a little bit.

You know, he's got the buckets. Like, help me with the bucket. You know, it's kind of a fun little gag. What does he think I am? A donkey? I'm not a donkey. Listen, I may have piggies on my underwear. By the way, those are the only underwear I've had for weeks.

Yeah. If I could get something other than the piggy's. I'm going to have to. I'll even take the weird bikini bottom thing that that drummer was wearing. Give me one of those. I need to rewatch Wes Anderson's bottle rocket because apparently the guy that plays the blacksmith here, the drunk fellow, is in bottle rocket. That's what he did right after this. Pretty amazing.

That's incredible. Yeah. Was this dude in any other movies in Asia? Like, was he a big character actor? Not a ton, it seems. Yeah. But he is Japanese. That's so funny, though.

How fuck did he wind up on a Wes Anderson? He's been here for a while. He was on the Jeffersons for an episode. Oh, wow. Okay. You're Japanese, huh? That makes one of us. What else could we talk about?

But yeah, so this is the guy, of course, there's a language barrier thing here, but he's got this dish, and Lembert's like, ah, yes, water, oh, thank you. And he shoves his whole face in it, thinking about that hot tub with Joan Chen, I think. He's like, ah, and he like spins out. He's like, ah, it's the worst saki. Oh, this saki is terrible.

oh sacky this and sacky that it's like actually this sacky isn't so bad this guy loves it because he's doing this thing where he's kind of because the guy can't understand him he's kind of talking to us the audience at this point you know what I mean? Yep. In all this Christopher Lambert charm

and I do find Christopher Lambert charming in this movie even though I think he's out of place in a lot of it sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. He is a fun presence in the film. He is, you know, just him just like going Hey, I've dusted the floor five times. Come on.

it's fun and then he finds this like rusty sword so the guy starts like showing him some stuff here and there we got the cool thing where like he teaches lamb bear how to like split the apple and then like this dude picks the apple off off the ground and gives it to lamb bear and just a couple of buds munching on apple like they toast i will not eat a rusted sword cut oh come on it's just to keep come out for bonding you do it eric it's not like maybe i'd fake the funk a little bit, you know. Just take a bite of the apple. You're not going to die from the apple. And also, you're hammered at this point. Oh, that's just. Also, yes.

You had all that sacky. Four fucking cat dish bowls full of sake. That'll do it. So he's like, oh, you know, teach me all this katana stuff. We cut back to the big city. And this is an awesome moment. This old bum walking up to this loading dock,

like inspecting some cardboard here. and these security guards come up like, hey, no bomb stealing our garbage, get out of here. And uh-oh, it's Kinjo in disguise and he just fucking destroys these dudes. Hilarious. He throws a, this is an awesome one.

He throws a knife into that one guy's forehead. And it's like a thunk and you just see him fall over. Oh, fuck, it's great. This big fancy office building. There's this, like, sexy lady that's pissed off about a picture of Joan Chen on this guy's desk and whatever. And then this is Bosnia Mura.

This is James. Saito right here in this moment. I guess he's a widower in this moment, apparently. Even though he did, he paid to have his wife killed. And she seems to have been a sex slave as well. So it's an odd, it's an odd

scenario for this gentleman. I think he says that he bought her from her uncle, who was a pimp as well. Yeah, that sounds about right. What's the thing, the subtitles, I'm pretty sure this is, I had the sub-tiles on, he says, I bought her in Sopland. Sure.

I don't know what soap Sopland is unless I looked at the subtitle wrong which is entirely possible But so Kinjo just fucking Kills this dude it's kind of funny that The Shredder's assistant Has more screen time In this movie than the Shredder himself

Yeah but I love though is like he's getting like Kinjo's questioning him and every question is a slash no matter what Yeah that's true Which is pretty awesome and this guy's he's just crumpled on the floor and bleeding towards the end And it's like why did you have to kill her. Like, I told her, if she left me,

I'd kill her. Well, what happened? She left me. Yeah. But you're an assassin, dude. You know, like, I don't know. This is, that's it, man. I don't know what. Why'd you order the, the cheeseburger? Yeah, I mean, you accepted the you know, Uber death thing. Your, door death.

What's another one? Andrew, you, it's, uh, this is a vice headline. How Japan's secretive soapland brothels operate. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. There you go. So it's a real thing. I read the subtitle correctly,

VICE. It's like the news, but cool. It's like the news, but bankrupt. This is your mama's news. Actually, it is, if it's bankrupt, that it is the news. I guess so, yeah. We cut to three weeks later, the sword's ready to rocket roll. Sensei comes to pick up the sword.

I love that he's pissed off, like, because he sees, like, Lambert, you know, has been training or whatever, and he's like, you allowed him to touch my sword. And he's like, no, no, no. I had him train on this rusty piece of shit. It's totally, he didn't touch your precious sword. Come on, man.

I don't want somebody wearing my clothes before I buy him, okay? That's why I buy new clothes. He says something about it. I guess it's like a superstitious kind of thing. It's bad luck for someone else to touch your sword for the first time. Right. So we're going to have to make an example out of him and have this little pissy fit in the courtyard. Oh, hey, by the way, I've been declared dead in America.

Is there any time? I could probably let someone know I'm alive. Everyone in unison, no. I forget where it happens in the movie, but there is a point where he's like, and this is what's great. I think, yes, I agree, we don't know a lot about this guy, but I think this one thing speaks volumes.

And that is, he says at some point in the movie, can I call my work and let them know that I'm okay? Not can I call my wife? Can I call my kids? Can I call my work and let them know I'm alive? I read the job. Real Ebenezer going on here. He's got nothing.

He's got nothing in his life. I've got the great idea for even smaller potato ships. I have to call them. And I can land without payment, Joan Chen's. Can you do the same? So it's like this, you know, why don't you teach me all you have to show me or whatever? And they start doing this thing. And Sensei's like going really hard on Lambert and everything.

And Mrs. Decata is not really having it. And then the guy's like, useless or whatever and starts walking away. Lambert gives him a little fucking whip to the ass with the sword. I still have much to learn, but I've mastered ass whipping. That's right.

I was only trying to help remove feces from your asshole of one of the robots in the hotel. And you say that he's throwing a fit here, but I'm sorry, maybe him and his wife might have gone home just okay if this stupid son of a bitch had just not touched the sword and put his white disease on it.

That's true. But he also pieces together as like, oh, you're going to have Kinjo come here. I'm debate. You sacrificed everyone on that train because you told Kinjo where I was. And he's like, no idea.

I would be like, listen, I didn't expect that I did tell them where you were. Again, I thought it was going to be like me versus two cool ninjas. Maybe a conductor got murdered. I didn't expect that. I'm sorry, and the Elton John's song is beautiful. Like an arrow through the throat. Yeah, I do like the one, well, they would have found you anyway.

Yeah, yeah. And again, though, this is so awesome because it's like, even like these people that are like protecting him, it turns out they have no respect for this fucking American loser. I mean, this is so awesome. Yes. He's just bait now. It's so great.

And then, you know, when Sensei sort of confirmed, this Lambert punches him in the face and knocks this dude right down and he goes, not bad for a guy gin. It's called a punch. Hey? Take it. At this point in the narrative, we've been going on for a while and I started thinking like, why couldn't they have

like a sketch artist? Like, could you just tell someone what this Kinjo looks like? Yes, exactly. What I'm talking about is he tall, short what's the haircut looking like? No, no, no, no. I will tell you when I see him. Does he look like the guy from the shadow? It's the guy from the shadow. Oh, that's right. I forgot John Lone's in the shadow too.

Yeah, tell Kinjo Takeda says that Racine is here. Either he comes tonight or he won't get another chance, which I believe this is Sensei saying, if Kenjo don't show up tonight and fucking do battle, he's just going to kill this white guy and fucking put his body out the sea. Hell yeah.

You know, like, do shit or get off the pot Kenjo? Tonight's the night. Fantastic plan. And he's like, but tell him to come alone and I know ninjas always tell the truth. So that's A number one very important. Rule number one of ninjaing. Always tell the truth.

Always. So, yeah, Raiuma, the other dude from Ninja Turtles, comes and tells Takeda that, oh, or comes to tell Kynjo, oh, Takeda has challenged you or whatever. We cut to Lambert tied up, like, against his will, which is great. Oh, this situation gets worse all the time. Hold on. Let me teleport. Shit, I forgot. I'm not raided.

I did the, I did up, I pressed up down. I should have teleported. You tied me up like this and there's not even a Joan Chen here. Who's going to pull down my piggy underwear? Oh, my piggy underwear. I guess to tell the whole story, we'll have to go back two weeks. I'm a greedy, sloppy boy and I need to be punished. Oh, right, I keep mentioning my cool piggy underwear, but you don't get the reference.

Let's back up a bit. See, I was selling microchips. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, fuck, he went all the way back to microchips. Oh, God. There was a drum concert, you understand. God damn, no. A big bottle of scotch.

She could not use the key to her hotel room, so I helped her in that moment. Oh, man. Then I ate her out in the hot tub. I gave her the big bubble. It's my move. It's a big move that makes sure they never come. It's fantastic. Have you ever seen creature from the Black Lagoon?

It's like that, but grosser. If he ate pussy, it might go a little something like this. Oh, no, I've drowned myself. The thing you don't understand is there's air down there. That's what the quiff is. So you just need to figure out, you have to time it. Just right, or you will die. Give me your air.

Air into my mouth. You've heard about scuba diving. But what about queef diving? Oh, that's fucking awful. So the Kinjo and the goon show up on this boat. And it's a really awesome, like, yep, there's only like three of us, like me and just my two main guys. Oh, no. Of course.

Dude, like a Trojan horse, all these ninjas and Matt Damon just start jumping out of this fucking boat. They're piling out like cockroaches. It's amazing. I love this one guy at the docks gets the blow dart to the neck. Hell yeah, dude. I got my little bingo card. I'm like blow dart. Got it.

Excellent. Because this is sort of the problem. And I mean, the ninja part is fine. But like, when Takeda is like, this is what we've trained for. They are coming. That's a check the movie is writing that there is going to be a large samurai v. Ninja battle at this school that kind of does not happen. well it's because the schools it's literally children they're all fucking slaughtered instantly

there's no fight here it's it's quick they make quick work over them I guess they were going to do that big battle scene but it would cut into my my fee so yeah exactly cut it who cares I'm not even in it it's a hit against Decatur that he doesn't yeah he hasn't really prepared because somebody says like you're going to get all of these kids killed and they do they are yeah yeah yeah yeah And I'm like, yeah, that's a little crazy to get. You might have gotten some 30-year-olds in here. Yeah, but to be fair, they get killed in cool ways.

There's even flaming arrows, which is my favorite kind of arrow. Of course. It's a great. Yeah, I love a good flaming arrow. Although, you know, Chris and I like the movie more than you guys did. But that Avatar 3, them exploding arrows. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that movie. I thought you meant this movie that you and I like. But, okay, yes. No, no, no. Chris and I liked Avatar 3 more than you guys. but that she uh nateri's got them fucking exploding arrows bad ass i just can't deal with another next time gadget ending of the avatar series absolutely crazy i'm i'm on that i'm with eric on that one but mike miko feel like meiko uh free or has uh the uh the drunk swords guy free uh lamb bear and get him out of danger

while this is going to go on yeah thing and you know again the language barrier persists. So it's kind of funny. The guy keeps talking, oh, we're going to go fishing. It's going to be great. We're going to get wasted and go fishing, which is kind of fun. And they're going on the boat and then Paul is like, wait a minute. I think this should be more

about me. I was looking at the last couple of pages and I'm not in them. What if I were the hero? I've got to go back, especially now that my entire lower body is completely wet by pushing out this rowboat for you. You have all of these sword

fights and all of these rope fights and all these different fights, you do not have a good old fashion white slobber knocker. And I'm going to give that to you. He gets some in later, yeah. He does? Oh, big time. Yeah, he definitely

doesn't need to walk out that far into the water to get that boat going. You don't need to be way steep to push your rowboat out. I mean, maybe he cared. I mean, this drunk man took me into his fucking, you know, he would have just, he could have just killed me

and the guy would have just been, Takeda would just been as happy if he had just killed him right there and then. But no, he took him in. He fed him sacky and he fucking, you know, showed him how to do the most basic sword shit, uh,

imaginable to beat the greatest swordsman to ever live in a little bit. Yeah, it's a nice story. It's, uh, uplifting. It's very sweet. And I think for obsessed that Takeda is about, uh, the ninja clan that,

you know, he's been feuding with for hundreds of years is, is, Klan has been treated with hundreds of years. Maybe read a little bit about ninjas occasionally. Just open a book because like here comes Kid Joe and he's like, hey, I'm not Kinjo, I'm just a lowly guy.

I'm just a widow guy. What could I? Oh no, I'll find Kinjo. Please don't hurt me. Oh, right. He says that to stall for time. Yes. This is before the battle even breaks out so the rest of the ninjas can get up to the site that the rest of them are out of everything. He's like, oh, I'm just the messenger. Shut up.

Takeda, you are a moron. God damn it. But, you know, yeah, Sensei, he's getting double-teamed by some ninjas here. He's about to be killed. Mrs. Taneke, who has since been, like, shot through the back or whatever. Yeah. She gets a dude, like, right in the neck with the arrow and saves her husband, which is pretty cool. And this is a sweet moment.

He tries to go up and comfort her here, you know, he's like, you know, you're not going to die. You're just not going to die and whatever. And she fucking will be dying, Tootsweets. Yes. but there's this great you guys know this great the shot of the whole camp here it's like this big map painting and the storms rolling in this was another moment

in the movie where I was like this is another really cool element that you don't normally find in movies of this ilk you know it's just these nice little beats where it's like the action kind of stops for a second you know yeah maybe it's a little on the nose that like the storm's rolling in

or whatever but it's just a cool added thing to to an otherwise, you know, just kind of action movie. Yeah, I agree completely. I think it's, I think they do a great job on the production design throughout. Yeah, yeah. And this also, like the storm rolling

in, it makes for some badass fighting conditions. It's like kind of the end of lethal weapon just with a storm and not a fire hydrant instead, but we're fighting in the rain. Sensei's getting slashed in the face and everything. And I love the moment, Sensei and Kinjo like stab each other at the

same time and it's like he only gets Kinjo in the leg but Kinjo gets him in the fucking gut. Dude, it's like through his back or whatever the sword and the way that the sense I just unsheaths the sword out of his own body is so chilling and amazing. And he

says to Kenjo he says, I'll be waiting for you in hell and he just fucking drops down and Kenjo finishes him off with just a quick stab kind of thing. Now it is time for Slobber knocker. did somebody call for some mayonnaise

here I am badass move here Mrs. Takeda fucking shoots another arrow at Kinjo and this dude just catches it in his hand I was like that fucking rocks dude because one of his legs is down

he's now damaged one of his legs and how does he get the arm damage does that already happen or that's about to happen here basically one of his dominant arm gets damaged. I think Lambert jumps in like he's gonna kill her and he hesitates and Lambert chops his arm

and then he notices oh Kinjo has to go to his left hand. Maybe I have a chance. Better get for slobber knockers. Because that's him telling the audience like I know you're about to be really upset that this is not going to make sense but remember the arm thing.

Hey arm thing. This is okay. Yes and also minding your surroundings and so Lambert uses this rickety, like watchtower, he cuts down and it collapses on Kinjo, you understand. This drops on him the same way the Ninja Turtles dispatch with the Super Shredder. Yes, exactly.

This whole structure falling down on this dude. I will say another cool flourish here just really quickly. Kinjo sees Mrs. Takeda in this one moment and gets confused for a second and has this vision thinking it's Joan Chan. and they morph the actress playing Mako into Joan Chan. It's fucking cool, man. I didn't care for it, but that's all right.

I yelled, what? Well, this is very much like the black and white Michael Jackson morphing technology. It's like anamorph type of thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's up the time. Black, it's what? Exactly. If they cut away and then she was Joan Chan, it was like, oh, is that?

And then cut, that would be, you know, a little classy. I'd rather see a cool flourish. But they would have to update that song, Chris. It'd have to be, it's ninja. It's samurai. It's samurai. It doesn't matter if you're a ninja or samurai. We actually rewrote it. We rewrote it for Japan.

We did it. So, you know, dude, Kenjo presumed dead for the moment. And then Meiko is like, hey, Lambert, break the sword. Are you doing so will break, you know, Mikado's spirit forever. And he just bashes this thing on a rock. And I feel like that shouldn't have broken that. Dude, now, first of all, you try that at home. You're going to bust up your hand doing it.

If it even manages to break, it's going to fly right into you. Right. Yeah. Oh, no, I killed myself. Oh, you looney tunes yourself? Yeah, you can definitely looney tunes yourself. Oh, no, there's little tweety birds flying around my dome. And, yeah, so it does turn into a slobber knocker,

but the Slavernaka does start with an awesome moment of Kynjo taking a sharp, burnt, like, charred piece of wood and impaling Lambert in the back with it. Fuck, that's pretty cool. Tries to kill him like a vampire kind of. That's how you kill weird, accented white guys. I see. But Lambert's like hitting this dude in the face with a rock repeatedly. Don't you ever give up, he says to him. I mean, to what you just said, Eric, I mean, John.

alone might think this is Nospharatu. Yes. He came back. He's still alive. He's still here. Kvorca, that sexual charisma that we know all Dracula's possess. That's right. That's how Joan Chen got fucking suckered into this. That's how it happened. Lambert. Kenjo's like,

look at that sexy freak. Lambere winning this fight, though, is like me beating Michael Jordan at one-on-one after Michael Jordan was hit by a bus. You'd still be like, no, he got he got him. I would have no chance. if he could stand even a little bit.

So there's the punching, there's the punching, and then it's like she tosses. Yes, there's an assist here. And from what I thought the spatial relation was, was Kinjo's between, like, Lambert's on this side, Kinjo's in the middle, and she's on the other side. And I guess she just hucks this up

into the top of the level and it falls back down right into his hand. It's wild. It's pretty cool. Also right before that he is getting rocked by ninja stars, which is awesome. Yes. But yeah, he's decapitated and really awesome. You see the head just laying on the ground. The face is away from the camera so we don't have to like get into that.

So like, you know, there are some moments of violence, but it's like it's taste more tasteful than it could have been. You know what I mean? He's not like, ooh, like you'd be like a Friday the 13th movie decapitated head and it looks all shitty and whatever. Yeah. Eyes are bugging out. This is a classy little picture. It's a classy movie, man. It's pretty cool.

Yeah, because again, it looks better than a dummy head would have here. Right, yeah. This is why you just see the back. You don't have to worry about the face and how it looks. I don't know if this is in the work print edit or what, but the fisherman coming, the sword guy coming back for comic relief ending, didn't need it. He's in the full armor now and he's saying fishing was boring alone.

Him in the armor is very funny, I thought. I mean, Lambert, he's got to go out on something light. He's like, I don't want to say you're late, but it's over. Good night, everybody. The movie's over. I'm wearing this bathrobe, can't you tell? Off to the best pub in Vancouver. Our blacksmith drunk friend here does say that I must have scared all the ninja away.

This fucking ratty-ass samurai outfit. Lord knows where he got that from. by the way. Yes. Some stash house he's got somewhere along the river or something. But that is the end of this movie. We do not have any bullshit six months later. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

He's not, you know, banging the widow Tanaka at the end here. None of that. It's just, you know, you're late, it's over.

And we just kind of go to credits. That is the end of this movie. We'll go around the horn here for some final thoughts and recommendations. Mr. Steve Sadek. Yeah, I really liked this movie. I was really, as it started a little late,

last night. I'm like, oh, man, it's going to be this. And it's a little slow in the beginning. But I'm like, all right, there's some funny stuff here. I'm making my notes. Once that train station thing happens, I'm like, holy fuck, this is the best movie you ever seen in my life. And then it kind of, I think it let me down a little bit in the last act, because again, that is the coolest scene in the movie by far. The last act could be a cool ninja fight. It's not really. So yeah, it's definitely a recommend, definitely seek this out. It's a fun movie to watch. and I do think for all the problems Lambert is a lot of fun in it

I just think that you probably shouldn't be in it but that's fine that he is Chris Cabin Yeah a very light recommend where like most martial arts movies are good in the 85 to 95 minute range this sucker is an hour and 50

something minutes you cut that down to where I'm like it I'm probably going to be a lot happier with the result and I don't have to think about Craig and all the sex work going on. I don't have to be in my head. But yeah, the train sequence alone kind of makes it worth watching, in my opinion.

But if it had been a Pachinko parlor sequence through to like right at the beginning when they shuffle him off to the drunk blacksmith, if it ended somewhere around there, we're talking a really strong picture as it is. It's worth seeing. There you go.

As White Guy Karate Month is Eric's baby. We'll save your thoughts for last, my friend. I will just say I'm so fucking glad I saw this movie man. I got almost zero problems with that. I understand what you guys are saying, and it didn't bug me none. It's a fucking

blast. Definitely check it out. It is on Blu-ray. There's a Shout Factory Blu-ray so you can see it. The transfer on Apple was really good. So this movie's available. Also, it's a fucking, I didn't know this until the opening credits. It's a big universal movie, which is nuts. This is universal pictures put this out. But yeah, massive

recommend. Mr. Siska. Yes. I mean, this is a movie I saw a ton growing up. I always wanted to do this on this show and then suddenly 15 years went by. And I know it's not exactly an outright white guy karate movie the way you think

about those things. But I just wanted to do it forever and I wanted my friends to see the movie and sometimes for them to see a recommendation, you got to do homework, you got to make them watch it. And that's what I do here. I'm glad you guys have liked. I'm it to varying degrees. It's just, it's a ton of fun.

I just, I like that it cares enough about the, the settings and stuff. Like, this is clearly made by someone that's not trying to make a fast buck. He actually gave a shit about the way all this looked with the samurai stuff and the ninja stuff. And I think he pulled it off more or less. I, I just really enjoy this movie. And I hope other people did. And if you didn't, that's okay too. Spit on it. Yeah, there you go. That is going to do it for this episode. the Haunted, but don't worry about it, y'all. White Guy Karate Month is just getting started.

As a matter of fact, if you are listening to this on the day it comes out, first of all, you could have listened to it without commercials over on the Patreon, patreon.com slash we hate movies, where you can get every new We Hate Movies episode we put out each week without commercials in it. But also, if you are listening to it on Tuesday the 3rd, don't worry. We have more on the way for you this week. Tuesday, the 5th, that's right, the We Love Movies episode for White Guy Carotty Month is dropping. and yes, oh, baby, we're talking all about JCVD in Bloodsport. That is a fucking great episode.

What do we got going on with a once in a lifetime next week, Chris Cabin? Once in a lifetime, we are talking fatal defense, and we are talking the most aggressive martial arts teacher you've ever met in your life, helping out a single mom who's just trying to get, you know, trying to get the lay land and maybe looking for a new bow, but things go a little awry. It might be the wrong martial arts teacher. That's probably what we would call it.

In lifetime parlance, that's probably what it is. It's a missed opportunity that they didn't call it that and called it fatal defense, which is much worse. And we have not recorded it yet, as a matter of fact, but the day after that next week. So that's next Thursday. Next Friday, Friday of the 13th, our next episode of Melrode, 210 comes out of you,

are unfamiliar. That is a show where we go through the timelines of both Beverly Hills 9-0-21010 and Melrose Place and talk about them episode by episode. And I don't know what's going on with Melrose Place at the moment, but it will be us getting into season four of 902-0. And Steve Sadek, this is the college years? It is the college years we're going to be talking.

I think we got a little summer fucking around first. Some bullshit summer stuff. I was worried about that. I was worried about that. They do like to start the summer there. But like Steve Sanders, I believe Celeste comes back a little bit. Oh, yes, Celeste, his game show girlfriend. I'm going to ruin it for you now, guys. I'm sorry.

But we are, we are going to be spending a lot of whatever this, this episode is, talking about the new song, the new intro. It is a disaster. It is fucking a desecration of an American classic. They were yinky doodle dandy, I would say. I agree. Honestly, I can't wait for you guys to hear it and vomit. Steve Sadek, what are we doing on animation damnation this month?

We were returning because of four white guy karate month, we've done all the movies. And we actually done this show, one episode of this show before, a million and a half years ago. Oh. The Karate Kid Animated Series is coming back. I didn't remember doing this at all. I was like, oh, wow, they made a Karate Kid animated series. That'd be perfect. And then I looked at it up.

Oh, I guess we did an episode of it. Oh, here's me talking about it for 30 minutes. 14 years ago. So this is going to be really exciting. It'll be new to us. It'll be a different episode. It'll be super fun. Eric, do we know the Gleap Blossary entry?

We do. We do. It's going to be probably a little bit of a long one. We are veering into white guy Jedi territory. I feel like that. Luke Skywalker? No, Kip Duron. Okay.

I always avoided this guy and I always hated the idea of some guy named Kip in Star Wars. And that's what we have here. so we will be going through his bio and we will see where we land on Kip Duron on the Gleepe Glosser. And you beloved top tier patrons, we released pretty recently our episode on 28 years later on Scareddy Cats.

Just last Friday as a matter of thing. Just last Friday. And on February the 17th, we'll be doing another after dark hang for just those exclusive top tier patrons to hang and ask us questions. Those are super fun. Hell yeah.

and and by the way just a week after that Los Angeles will be back at the Hollywood Improv on Sunday the 22nd to return to you talking to what the fuck are we doing there? Broken Arrow.

Broken Arrow, that's right. Which we saw a few of those in this movie today. Quite a few. Also, the Nexus will be back to its regularly scheduled Star Trek programming this month. We'll have an episode of Toastas

and the next episode of TNG so make sure you're watching all the right stuff. But like I said at the top of this outro, this very long and informative outro. White Guy Karate Month. Just getting started, Steve Saneck, what bloodbath might me be talking about next week? We need to bring on an expert, our good friend, Brandon Streisening, for Ninja 2, Shadow of a Tear or of a tear? There's tears, there's tears, he's crying, he's ripping people apart. This is your white guy karate. This is, we're a ninja heavy here at the top of the month. This is a white guy ninja movie with Scott Atkins.

Welcome to the program, Scott Atkins next week. And before you say anything, I know that we've had issues with this before. Before all you white guy karate has out there, we have already done Jim Codda. It was way back once. It's in the files. Yeah, it's on the old backlogs. I think it's like maybe even two digits. It's very, very early on.

But we have done it. It has already happened. Don't fret. There's still more to come this month. There's JCP. There's Steven Seagall. We're getting to some heavy hitters this month. Absolutely.

So until next week, when we're talking Ninja 2 starring the great Scott Adkins, I've been Andrew Jopin. Steven Seedak. Eric Siskin. Chris Gabon. Take it easy.